Deathstalker II (1987) Movie Script
- Is that where she keeps it?
- Mm-hm.
Come on! Come on!
Yam
I'll have my revenge...
And deathstalker, too!
ripped and edited by xenax
Divxplanet-altyaz.org
Let me go! Let me go!
Quiet, or you'll eat
steel for dinner.
Looks like you've eaten
everything else.
Shut up, you little wench.
This town's got no room
for beggars!
Lam not a beggar.
I'm a seer.
Even the king knows that.
All too well, girl.
You're lucky to get away
with your life.
Look, his highness
asked for a prophecy,
and that's what he got.
In my kingdom,
a man would delight
to learn his wife
would soon be with child.
But not by another man,
eh, Marco?
I call 'em as I see 'em,
good or bad.
Even I can predict what's gonna
happen to you.
Give me a break!
How's an oracle supposed
to make a living?
The king wants you
off the castle grounds. Now!
You can't treat me like this!
- L'm a Princess!
- Right. Right.
- And I'm Merlin the magician!
- Yeah!
Now, be off with you,
"Princess of beggars".
You'll be sorry!
You're the one
that's gonna be sorry.
Let's get her!
Here.
- You know, boys.
- Who the hell are you?
Ordinarily, I don't mind seeing
a woman get a good beating,
if she deserves it.
Yeah?
But this doesn't look
like much of a contest to me.
You picked the wrong town
to stop in, stranger.
He's gonna stop here
permanently.
You know who we are?
The village idiot
and the two runners-up?
Get him!
Yeah!
Hey, take it easy!
I don't even know these guys.
Hi.
Hello.
Whoo!
Whoa.
Whoa.
Oh, gets 'em every time.
Now, I got a nice,
big room upstairs.
What do you say, the three of us
go up there and...
- I need to talk to you.
- Line forms to the right.
You gotta help me!
One rescue a day,
that's my policy.
It's a matter of life and death.
Do the words, "walk east till your
hat floats" mean anything to ya?
Hey, you, Princess, I thought
we told you to get out of town.
Come here.
Get him!
What's the matter
with you?
what are you doing?
Look out!
Behind you!
Come on! Come on, the back door!
Let's go!
Let's get out of here!
After them!
Seal off the fence!
Yah! Yah!
Yam
- I'm Evie.
- Deathstalker.
- Deathstalker?
- Uh-huh.
Is that your first name
or your last name?
They're gaining!
You're good.
- Helps in my line of work.
- What line of work is that?
Oh, I like to call it the wealth
redistribution business.
Oh, so you rob from the rich
and give to the poor?
No, I rob from the rich
and pretty much keep it.
Do you think we lost 'em?
You gotta get up pretty early
in the morning
to catch the prince of thieves.
It is pretty early
in the morning!
Yah! Yah!
Yam
hey-yah!
'Hey-yahg
- hold it! Which way they go?
- I don't know.
You go north.
I'll head south.
I'll double back.
We'll meet here.
- But find him!
- Yah!
Yep.
I think we finally lost them.
- Starvin' here.
- Just a second.
Haven't had a thing to eat
since last night at aboud's.
Here, try it.
It's my specialty.
Oh, your specialty, huh?
Like it?
Mmm.
Good. Very good.
Um...
Can I have some water, too,
please?
Thank you. That was great.
Great.
Boy, you must have
really been hungry!
Mm-hm.
- More?
- Oh, no!
Couldn't eat another bite.
Couldn't eat another bite.
I know I kinda messed things up
for you before...
Excuse me.
Just... struck me funny.
But I'm willing
to make it up to you.
I'm listening.
I can tell your future.
No, really!
I'm a seer. It's a gift I've had
since childhood.
Okay, things can't get
much worse, I guess.
Shoot
spirits of tomorrow...
Hear my call!
Wanna keep that to a minimum?
I see you embarking
on a heroic quest.
It shall become legend!
And storytellers shall recount
your many exploits
down through the ages.
Well, I sure hope
they get my name right.
An image is coming to me.
Yes. I see it so clear!
A young woman. No!
A Princess.
A Princess?
- She rich?
- She's calling to you.
Help me!
Help me, deathstalker!
Only you can save me!
She's in trouble?
Oh, big trouble.
A matter of life or death.
Why?
- What?
- I see someone else.
Dark and evil.
This is bad.
This is real bad.
The Princess is being imprisoned
by jarek,
an evil sorcerer.
Are there any other kind?
He's also a great swordsman.
Even greater than deathstalker.
- Better than me?
- Wait!
He's laughing at you.
Come and get me, deathstalker,
if you dare.
The sorcerer...
Where do I find him?
In the land of jzafir.
Where the hell is that?
Oh, it's a long
and perilous journey.
Ah, figures.
Many dangers, witches,
dragons, ogres.
Must cut down
on the tourist trade!
You shall confront them all,
emerge victorious,
and reap a fabulous reward.
The all-seeing eye never lies.
And this is gonna get me
into the legends?
Right up there with conan!
Whoa!
Uh...
Sorry. You all right?
Yes.
Well, what about the reward?
When I know more,
you'll know more.
Well, that settles it, then.
I'm out of here.
Where you goin'?
Let's go.
I'm not getting any younger,
you know!
Go?
To jzafir? Now?
You got it, sis.
Wait a minute!
Well, wait a minute!
There's still more soup!
Next.
- Have you found the Princess yet?
- L'm working on it.
She won't get far.
You should have never
let her escape.
She might come back
and take the throne.
A waif pretending
to be a Princess?
Who would believe it?
Why don't you just... kill her?
Evie, darling,
we've gone over this
a dozen times before.
I created you from the original
soul of the Princess.
An exact duplicate
in all respects.
Unfortunately, I haven't had time
to work out the bugs.
In other words,
if she dies...
You die.
Once I've made a few minor
adjustments in the formula,
I can duplicate anyone.
Then eliminate the original.
Now, my dear, please run along.
These brief practice sessions
are the...
Only leisure I allow myself.
And I enjoy them so much more...
Alone.
I'll be in my chamber...
Waiting.
As you wish, my dear.
As you wish.
Next!
Sultana.
You know how I hate
standing in line.
You look marvelous.
Lovely as a rose.
We can dispense with pleasantries,
if you don't mind.
After what you've done to me,
I'd hardly call this visit
a pleasure.
Whatever do you mean, my dear?
You never would have been
able to put
that little blonde bitch of yours
up on the throne without my help.
Let alone, get rid of the real one.
You were paid handsomely.
I did not come here to bicker
with you, jarek, my dear.
I have a proposition for you.
You wish to have the Princess Evie
returned to you.
I wish to settle a score
with a certain varlet
who is escorting her back here.
I have a man shadowing them now.
Doubtless, you'll remember chin,
the buccaneer?
Chin, the one-eye?
The man's a second-rate amateur.
In any event, you will assist him.
Evie is mine.
- And the meddler?
- Deathstalker.
Deathstalker?
Oh, very well, he's yours.
Enjoy.
Done.
- Always a pleasure, sultana.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
Next!
Which way, o mighty oracle?
Why do they call you
the prince of thieves?
Because I'm the best.
- But you're not a real prince?
Which way?
The west road.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
The crystal ball
never lets me down.
The west road.
You're sure about that?
The west road.
If you had the chance
to marry a real Princess,
would you do it?
No, I wouldn't.
Why not?
Because being a Princess brings out
the worst in a woman.
Always whinin' and poutin',
and actin'
like a spoiled little brat, if they
don't get their own way all...
Give it to me, chin.
What do you got?
Deathstalker's as good
as in the grave.
Look, sailor, don't carve
a tombstone so readily.
He has as many lives,
as a cat.
And, remember,
the last one belongs to me.
If he's made of flesh and blood,
he can die.
Never underestimate
the strength of an enemy.
Especially an accomplished fighter
like stalker.
You telling me how to do
my job, sultana?
Just giving you
some friendly advice.
Well, keep it to yourself.
I'll bring stalker to you
on a platter.
Like a piece of raw meat.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah! I've got just the butchers
to do it!
Say hello to crazy Otto reingold,
the mad prussian,
solely responsible
for the lemurian massacres
that killed hundreds
and left thousands homeless.
I'm sure you recognize
ed "the head" schamanski.
Five years on the genghis Khan
strike force,
part-time consultant
to Attila the hun.
Next.
John "the baptist" bombaso.
Drowning's his specialty.
Beside him...
Nick "the crippler" of kashmir.
I think his name says it all.
And last, but not least,
the real find,
buddy "footstool" laroza,
only recently dismissed
by Ivan the terrible...
...for excessive brutality.
Still skeptical?
You bet I am.
Suit yourself.
Come on, boys.
Okay, men.
Let him have it!
Close, men, but don't kill...
Not yet.
I think we better find
another way.
Oh, really? You think so?
West road, right!
I oughta...
- Who are they?
- You tell me. You're the seer.
Well, they're trying to kill us.
Somebody give the lady a cigar.
Look, if they were trying
to kill us,
they could have done it
way back down the road.
No, they're...
they're after something.
You sure you're telling me
everything?
I told you it was gonna be a long
and perilous journey, didn't I?
Yeah, yeah, witches, ogres,
all that bad stuff.
You and your visions!
Knew these would come in handy.
Where you goin'?
- Just stay put.
- I wanna help.
You've done plenty already.
That'll be fine, boys.
Save your arrows.
Whew.
Stalker? Stalker!
There... huh?
Throw your sword down...
Or I'll cut her pretty,
little throat.
Go ahead. Cut it.
You rat!
You were gonna let him kill me!
Now, would I do a thing
like that?
Come on, let's go find that horse
and get the hell out of here.
Oh!
And, uh, would you mind
taking that knife
out of that guy for me?
It's the only one I got left.
Ew!
- Wait a minute!
- What do you want now?
Were you really gonna
let him kill me?
Deathstalker, you weren't really
gonna let him kill me, were you?
Huh? No, you wouldn't do that?
Deathstalker!
Ah, you're back!
Minus the fearless five.
You should have
listened to me.
You wanna bitch?
Bitch to jarek.
I'm calling him right now.
- What news have you?
- Bad news, lord jarek.
I hate bad news.
It spoils my day.
I got an idea.
Come closer.
I'll kill that son of a bitch
if it kills me.
You may rest assured
that it will.
So long, sailor.
Well, look what we have here.
Spooky, huh?
Yeah.
Stalker...
I still don't understand
why you want to break in there.
Because
we're broke, that's why.
What's that got to do with anything?
That's a family mausoleum.
There are probably...
More jewels in there,
than we can carry out.
You're about to become
a very rich woman.
I was just starting
to enjoy poverty.
Come on, where's your sense
of adventure?
This isn't adventure.
It's just damn scary!
Yeah, but, uh...
When legends told...
I want people to think
we faced this bravely.
When the legend's told,
nobody's gonna believe
we were this stupid!
- Stalker.
- Huh?
I heard somewhere it was bad luck
to walk over graves.
I heard it was only
the open ones.
- Wait a minute!
- What?
I just remembered.
My hat...
I left the door unlocked.
We gotta go back!
- You don't have a door?
- I don't?
No.
Oh, yeah.
What was that?
The wind.
It should get oiled.
It came from in there.
You bet it did.
Stalker, you're not really
going in there?
- Don't go in there. It's dark.
- Look, relax, will ya?
Whew!
Well, come on in.
What are you waiting for?
Ah, come on, it's a little smelly,
but what could happen?
Stalker!
Stalker.
You know...
Grave robbing is not only
morally repulsive,
but I believe it carries a rather
stiff penalty, in these parts.
Who the hell are you?
Forgive me for not introducing
myself properly.
But I assumed a person with even
your limited deductive powers,
could have guessed.
Jarek.
Stalker.
Stalker!
Get out here!
Stalker, get out here!
I'd offer you my hand, sir.
But it's both tiring
and inconvenient
to be at two places at once...
Even for a sorcerer.
So if you'll be so good
as to excuse me,
I have a rather pressing
engagement to attend to.
And, oh, by the way...
I've arranged one for you
as well.
Stalker!
Ah! Son of a bitch.
Ah! The old crushing wall
routine, huh?
You couldn't do better than this?
Me and my big mouth...
Stalker! Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Gotta be a secret lever
around here someplace.
Uh-huh!
Yipe!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker! Get out here!
Stalker!
Gosh, leave you alone
for five minutes,
look what happens.
Come on!
Come on!
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!
Yah! Yah!
Come on! Yah!
Don't you know another tune?
Get out of here!
It's happening again!
Guards! Guards!
No! No!
No!
Dinner is served, your majesty.
- Did you see the face on her?
- Too bad. Nice body, though!
Come.
I won't bite.
You know, something funny
is going on here.
First, we get attacked
by bandits.
Then those damned zombies.
What's next?
Don't answer that!
Every time,
it's like they're waiting for us.
This jarek guy
is playing for keeps.
I told you the path would be
filled with perils.
Yeah, yeah.
We can forget the legend,
if you want to.
There's still time to turn back.
Reward's still up for grabs,
isn't it?
Uh-huh.
Who said anything
about turning back?
Not me.
Here...
Looks like you could use this.
What are you gonna use?
The fire won't last
but a few more minutes.
- I'll be all right.
- Are you sure?
There's plenty of blanket here.
Nah.
Oh, okay...
- Isn't it cozy?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Stalker?
- Hmm?
Is that your sword
or you just happy to see me?
Well, what's the Ol' crystal ball
say about this one?
Just follow the road to bagoth,
turn west at a tree
that looks like a rock,
where you cross a dry riverbed,
where the water is more shallow.
What? Dry river?
Just... just follow the mountains!
Okay!
Not gonna be any zombies
or anything, are there?
It's a clear road.
No surprises.
- No surprises?
- No surprises.
No surprises?
Some oracle
you turned out to be!
Three out of four's not bad!
Uh, why I oughta...
Rough crowd!
- Look, I...
- Let me do the talking.
Now listen.
I think there's been some mistake.
Maybe you haven't heard of me.
Silence!
Haven't we met before?
No, no, no.
I don't think so.
I would have remembered.
You look a lot like Evie of jzafir,
the demon Princess,
who raids our camps
and burns our crops,
and steals our men.
Me? A Princess?
Do I look like a Princess to you?
No.
But my name is reena.
Reena the seer.
- Reena?
- Oh, yeah...
Her name's reena, all right.
Reena the seer.
Reena the liar.
Oh, well,
maybe I've made a mistake.
Yeah, uh, well...
Now that we've, uh, cleared up
this little misunderstanding,
and we're all friends again...
Uh...Maybe we could just be
on our way.
The girl may go,
but not you.
Deathstalker.
So. You have heard of me.
Oh, yes.
Your legend precedes you.
Your exploits as a womanizer
are well known in these parts.
Well, I am more of a lover
than a fighter.
- I hope not.
- Huh?
You'll be put on trial for your
crimes against womanhood.
Trial?
- Trial?
- Trial...
...by combat!
Used to be able to do this great.
How's it goin'?
It's a farce!
I can beat any of these women
with my hands tied
behind my back.
That's the spirit!
Come on! Come on!
Let's get goin'!
Let's get in the ring!
Okay, okay, I'm goin'.
Stop shovin'...
- Deathstalker!
- Here it comes.
According to our laws,
we must settle
all serious disputes
in a trial by combat.
Your opponent, in this contest,
shall be none other than gorgo,
our fiercest warrior.
And my champion!
Gorge! Gorge! Gorge!
I could beat her
with my eyes closed.
Gorge!. Come on down!
It's taking candy
from a baby. You name it!
Did you see her?
- Stalker.
- Shut up, will ya?
- Shut up.
- Stalker!
Look, I could beat her
with my eyes closed.
I think you should keep
at least one eye open.
What are you talking about?
What?
Aumence! Gorge! Gorge!
Gorge! Gorgo!
Get back!
Gorge!. Gorge!.
Gorgo!. Gorgo!
Gorgo! Gorgo!
This is, of course,
a fight to the death.
Naturally.
No mercy.
Well...
May the best man...
Skip it.
Let the fight begin!
that's a nice outfit.
You have to buy your clothes
at a special store?
Gorgo! Gorgo!
Get up! All right, come on.
Whoa!
Gorgo! Gorgo!
Aumence! Gorge! Gorge!
Gorge! Gorgo!
And stay down!
Come on.
here's what you gotta do.
Stay away from her,
wear her out, run her down,
then attack!
Attack! Yeah...
If I'm still alive,
I'll have her in five.
Six, maybe.
Seven at the outside.
go get her, tiger!
Whoa!
No, not the hair!
Not the hair!
Anything but the hair!
Get up! Okay! Come on!
Could I have just one minute
of your time?
No!
Gorgo! Gorgo!
you're looking good out there.
Doing a good job.
Ease it up, and don't let her
get you with that right.
I won't...
You know, she may...
Have the strength...
I got the stamina...
Go get 'em!
Goddamnit!
Oh!
just where I want her now.
She's putty in my hands.
Putty in my hand.
no! No!
Get tough! Get tough!
Geronimo!
Go for a spin!
Come on.
Jab! Jab! Jab!
Jab! Jab! Jab!
Kill her!
Kill her! Kill her!
Kill her!
What are you doing?
This is a fight to the death!
You wanna kill her?
Do it yourself.
That was incredible!
You were great!
Thanks... Princess.
Wait!
Look...
I know I haven't been completely
on the level with you.
Yeah, you can say that again.
I can't believe I bought
that whole bill of goods
you tried to sell me.
- I bet you're not even a seer!
- Well, not a very good one.
But I am a Princess...
Or I was.
Jarek made a double of me,
put her on the throne,
and seized the kingdom.
Oh, that's... that's good.
That's rich.
Try it on the next sap you meet.
Look...
I escaped, I needed help,
and I didn't know
whether you'd believe me.
So you dangled fame and fortune
in front of me,
like some kind of carrot?
Didn't you think
i might help ya?
Haven't you ever heard
of honor among thieves?
You mean you would have
helped me without the money?
I didn't say that!
See?
Look...
Begging your highness's pardon,
but I'd rather be an obscure thief
than a famous fool.
I want her here,
and I want her here now!
Where the hell is she?
Evie, darling.
I'm sick of all this
waiting around...
While that little bitch
is out there,
plotting against me!
Evie, darling, it's jarek.
What do you want?
I hate her!
I hate her! I hate her!
Why haven't you found her yet?
Patience, my little lovebird.
You needn't worry.
I shall find her.
You will be pleased, though,
i think, to learn
that I have achieved what I believe
to be a major breakthrough.
I hope so.
Every day I fade more and more!
Soon, I'll cease to exist!
Come with me to my chamber.
You shan't be disappointed.
This better be good.
I assure you, it will be good.
In my hand...
I hold the key to our success
and happiness, my darling.
- The elixir.
- Elixir?
An elixir which will sever your ties
to the real Princess forever.
Now for the moment of triumph.
A work of art, don't you think?
I duplicated him
as I duplicated you.
Now for the test.
You may have the honor.
Thank you.
- It works!
- Naturally.
You've made me so happy.
Drink this, and our little Princess
is as good as dead.
Thank you again.
Have you girls
seen deathstalker?
No.
- Have you seen deathstalker?
- No.
- Have you seen deathstalker?
- There he is.
Shall we drink, then, to your
magnificent battle tonight?
And...
The magnificent battle
yet to come.
Which one's that?
Oh, that!
Your body's close to me...
But your mind seems far away.
Just... wait here, one minute.
Don't go away.
- Stalker?
- Hmm?
Just think...
Our lovemaking tonight may spawn
generations of leaders to come.
The passion in our hearts will burn
like a great sensual fire...
Melding our souls into
a whirlpool of unending ecstasy.
- Sounds good to me.
- Tomorrow...
My servant will awaken us
at dawn.
You gotta be kiddin'?
After that fight, I was kinda
looking forward to sleeping in.
Oh, no! That's not possible.
The ceremony traditionally
is performed at daybreak.
Ceremony?
What ceremony?
Our wedding ceremony.
Aw, shit!
Excuse me, have you seen
the girl I was with?
I think she left a half-hour ago.
Thanks.
I don't suppose you guys
are hunters,
and I stepped
into your bear trap?
Nah, I didn't think so.
Ah!
Now that you're up,
your royal highness,
there are matters
we need to discuss.
You're the one
who helped jarek!
In all the excitement,
we never really did
have a chance
to sit down and talk.
But now we can fix all that.
Where's deathstalker?
Why should I tell you anything?
Huh?
I can think of lots of reasons.
Here's one.
I'll never talk!
And do you know why?
Jarek needs to keep me alive.
You kill me,
and you're as good as dead,
and you know it.
Do you know that i
could drop you, say,
up to your waist, and you'd still
be very much alive?
Now, where is deathstalker?
Somebody looking for me?
- Stalker!
- You came back!
By popular demand.
Get him!
It's payback time, stalker!
I'm all for it, of course.
Stalker!
What the matter?
Nothing. I just think there's
a time and a place for everything.
Well, the top half of you
may think it's the wrong time,
but the bottom half definitely
knows it's the right place!
Lord jarek,
we've recovered the body.
Get her in here at once, fools!
Will there be anything else,
my lord?
Out! Out!
As you wish, my lord.
Welcome back.
Very interesting.
Is there another way in?
Of course.
- Where do these tunnels go?
- Under the castle.
What was that?
The wind.
Friend of yours?
Looks like he died
with a gag in his mouth.
Yeah, well if he did,
he never got a chance
to tell it.
Stalker... I've got a feeling.
- Don't say it. Just don't say it!
- But...
Every time you have a vision,
something bad happens.
- Stalker!
- Get out! Just get out of here!
Hi, guys.
Ah, deathstalker...
You needn't come
through the servant's entrance.
I would have welcomed you
through the front gates.
Oh, I've seen
your welcoming committee.
You know, despite
your rather silly name,
I hear you're quite
an extra ordinary swordsmen.
Like a demonstration?
Another time, perhaps.
Oh, god, I've forgotten,
there won't be another time.
You see, I couldn't have possibly
attained my current position
b)! Playing fair.
Kill him.
Stop!
- He's mine!
- Sultana?
I thought you was dead.
Not hardly.
Well, I must say, you're lookin'
better than ever.
And it's, uh, really great
to be back here at the castle.
Found her, boys!
- Poor girl fell off her horse.
- What can we do?
Check her heart.
I think we revived her.
Huh?
Good evening, deathstalker.
Doesn't look too good from here.
Where's the little Princess?
You don't expect me to talk?
No,no,no...
I expect you to die.
And I'm sorry to see you go.
We could have made a great team.
There's still time.
I'm afraid,
time has run out for you.
Did you ever think
about joining our side?
Good-bye, deathstalker.
I shoulda stood in bed.
Mother.
Princess wants to see ya.
Dad got laid off.
Things were tough for our family
for a long time.
Nice digs.
Most of my gentleman callers
bring flowers.
Damn! My mistake.
I must have given them
to the wrong Princess.
I don't wanna shock ya,
but there's, uh, another girl
running around here
that's a dead ringer for you.
That little harlot is nothing
but a lying imposter.
That's funny, 'cause that's exactly
what she said about you.
Uh, say...
Would you mind, uh,
calling off your hogs here?
Big laughs, these guys.
Next time I see 'em, it's gonna be
on a plate next to some eggs.
Don't you think I look
like a Princess?
You dress like a Princess.
You walk like a Princess.
You kiss like a Princess.
But you sure don't act
like a Princess.
Oh? And how's a Princess
supposed to act?
I'm not sure...
But I, uh, think you're start...
I think you're starting
to get a handle on it.
I think so, too.
Oh, I could just eat you alive.
Bones and everything?
Mmm.
And now you're mine, stalker.
What?
I thought I told you
not to hang around
with girls like that!
Well, it was just her looks
that got to me.
Oh, well, in that case.
Uh, look...
I don't want to sound ungrateful
or anything but...
How the hell
did you get in here?
You're forgetting one thing, bucko...
This is my castle, my room...
My bed, for crying out loud!
And you think I don't know where
the secret passageways are?
Well, uh, thanks.
I thought you might need this.
You sure
you know where you're goin'?
I got us here, didn't I?
Yeah, just tell me
one thing, though,
why do secret passageways
have to be so damn clammy
and dark?
Quit gripin'.
We're almost here.
Besides, I got a surprise for ya.
Here we are.
Some surprise.
How do they say it,
"out of the frying pan,
into the fire"?
Yeah, that's how they say it,
all right.
You can't possibly kill us all.
One against 100.
Make that two against 100.
Kill them.
Hey!
What about we even up
those odds considerably?
Told ya I had a surprise.
Get them!
Where are you going?
Leaving.
You owe me your life.
I owe nothing to any man,
even you.
Good luck,
'cause you're gonna need it.
Get out of my way!
What is going on here?
I have a splitting headache.
I'm trying to get some sleep!
You?
Inside! Inside!
It's not over yet.
You okay?
Guess you are.
Come on, we got business
to attend to.
How could you let this happen?
You've ruined my life!
I gave you your life!
Now, go to your chambers.
I'll be there shortly.
Go.
Throne room's that way.
Where you goin'?
There's only room
for one Princess in this castle.
What're you gonna do?
Can't tell ya.
Girl talk.
Oh.
You bitch!
Ew!
Still ready
for that demonstration?
Spoken like a true gallant!
And soon to be a legend.
But not a living one.
Up.
Yay!
Hey, stalker...
Look.
Your highness shall speak now.
This oughta be good.
Come forward, deathstalker.
We've searched
through the kingdom's coffers
for some expression
of our appreciation
for your magnificent deeds.
And that is?
You're looking at it, bucko.
You sure you made
the right choice?
I don't know.
Let me consult my crystal ball.
Uh...
You won't be needing this
anymore.
Ow!
So, you really think our story is
gonna make it into the legends?
Oh, more than that!
A thousand years from now,
players will re-enact
all our exploits.
Really?
Well... I sure hope they get
a good-looking guy to play me!
Ole!
Stalker!
God, I leave you alone
for five minutes,
look what happens.
Ow!
Goddamnit, that's hot!
Don't you think
i look like a Princess?
You dress like a Princess.
Oh, I hate these friggin' stairs!
Excuse me.
That's lunch! 30 minutes!
Huh?
Don't laugh at me!
- Mm-hm.
Come on! Come on!
Yam
I'll have my revenge...
And deathstalker, too!
ripped and edited by xenax
Divxplanet-altyaz.org
Let me go! Let me go!
Quiet, or you'll eat
steel for dinner.
Looks like you've eaten
everything else.
Shut up, you little wench.
This town's got no room
for beggars!
Lam not a beggar.
I'm a seer.
Even the king knows that.
All too well, girl.
You're lucky to get away
with your life.
Look, his highness
asked for a prophecy,
and that's what he got.
In my kingdom,
a man would delight
to learn his wife
would soon be with child.
But not by another man,
eh, Marco?
I call 'em as I see 'em,
good or bad.
Even I can predict what's gonna
happen to you.
Give me a break!
How's an oracle supposed
to make a living?
The king wants you
off the castle grounds. Now!
You can't treat me like this!
- L'm a Princess!
- Right. Right.
- And I'm Merlin the magician!
- Yeah!
Now, be off with you,
"Princess of beggars".
You'll be sorry!
You're the one
that's gonna be sorry.
Let's get her!
Here.
- You know, boys.
- Who the hell are you?
Ordinarily, I don't mind seeing
a woman get a good beating,
if she deserves it.
Yeah?
But this doesn't look
like much of a contest to me.
You picked the wrong town
to stop in, stranger.
He's gonna stop here
permanently.
You know who we are?
The village idiot
and the two runners-up?
Get him!
Yeah!
Hey, take it easy!
I don't even know these guys.
Hi.
Hello.
Whoo!
Whoa.
Whoa.
Oh, gets 'em every time.
Now, I got a nice,
big room upstairs.
What do you say, the three of us
go up there and...
- I need to talk to you.
- Line forms to the right.
You gotta help me!
One rescue a day,
that's my policy.
It's a matter of life and death.
Do the words, "walk east till your
hat floats" mean anything to ya?
Hey, you, Princess, I thought
we told you to get out of town.
Come here.
Get him!
What's the matter
with you?
what are you doing?
Look out!
Behind you!
Come on! Come on, the back door!
Let's go!
Let's get out of here!
After them!
Seal off the fence!
Yah! Yah!
Yam
- I'm Evie.
- Deathstalker.
- Deathstalker?
- Uh-huh.
Is that your first name
or your last name?
They're gaining!
You're good.
- Helps in my line of work.
- What line of work is that?
Oh, I like to call it the wealth
redistribution business.
Oh, so you rob from the rich
and give to the poor?
No, I rob from the rich
and pretty much keep it.
Do you think we lost 'em?
You gotta get up pretty early
in the morning
to catch the prince of thieves.
It is pretty early
in the morning!
Yah! Yah!
Yam
hey-yah!
'Hey-yahg
- hold it! Which way they go?
- I don't know.
You go north.
I'll head south.
I'll double back.
We'll meet here.
- But find him!
- Yah!
Yep.
I think we finally lost them.
- Starvin' here.
- Just a second.
Haven't had a thing to eat
since last night at aboud's.
Here, try it.
It's my specialty.
Oh, your specialty, huh?
Like it?
Mmm.
Good. Very good.
Um...
Can I have some water, too,
please?
Thank you. That was great.
Great.
Boy, you must have
really been hungry!
Mm-hm.
- More?
- Oh, no!
Couldn't eat another bite.
Couldn't eat another bite.
I know I kinda messed things up
for you before...
Excuse me.
Just... struck me funny.
But I'm willing
to make it up to you.
I'm listening.
I can tell your future.
No, really!
I'm a seer. It's a gift I've had
since childhood.
Okay, things can't get
much worse, I guess.
Shoot
spirits of tomorrow...
Hear my call!
Wanna keep that to a minimum?
I see you embarking
on a heroic quest.
It shall become legend!
And storytellers shall recount
your many exploits
down through the ages.
Well, I sure hope
they get my name right.
An image is coming to me.
Yes. I see it so clear!
A young woman. No!
A Princess.
A Princess?
- She rich?
- She's calling to you.
Help me!
Help me, deathstalker!
Only you can save me!
She's in trouble?
Oh, big trouble.
A matter of life or death.
Why?
- What?
- I see someone else.
Dark and evil.
This is bad.
This is real bad.
The Princess is being imprisoned
by jarek,
an evil sorcerer.
Are there any other kind?
He's also a great swordsman.
Even greater than deathstalker.
- Better than me?
- Wait!
He's laughing at you.
Come and get me, deathstalker,
if you dare.
The sorcerer...
Where do I find him?
In the land of jzafir.
Where the hell is that?
Oh, it's a long
and perilous journey.
Ah, figures.
Many dangers, witches,
dragons, ogres.
Must cut down
on the tourist trade!
You shall confront them all,
emerge victorious,
and reap a fabulous reward.
The all-seeing eye never lies.
And this is gonna get me
into the legends?
Right up there with conan!
Whoa!
Uh...
Sorry. You all right?
Yes.
Well, what about the reward?
When I know more,
you'll know more.
Well, that settles it, then.
I'm out of here.
Where you goin'?
Let's go.
I'm not getting any younger,
you know!
Go?
To jzafir? Now?
You got it, sis.
Wait a minute!
Well, wait a minute!
There's still more soup!
Next.
- Have you found the Princess yet?
- L'm working on it.
She won't get far.
You should have never
let her escape.
She might come back
and take the throne.
A waif pretending
to be a Princess?
Who would believe it?
Why don't you just... kill her?
Evie, darling,
we've gone over this
a dozen times before.
I created you from the original
soul of the Princess.
An exact duplicate
in all respects.
Unfortunately, I haven't had time
to work out the bugs.
In other words,
if she dies...
You die.
Once I've made a few minor
adjustments in the formula,
I can duplicate anyone.
Then eliminate the original.
Now, my dear, please run along.
These brief practice sessions
are the...
Only leisure I allow myself.
And I enjoy them so much more...
Alone.
I'll be in my chamber...
Waiting.
As you wish, my dear.
As you wish.
Next!
Sultana.
You know how I hate
standing in line.
You look marvelous.
Lovely as a rose.
We can dispense with pleasantries,
if you don't mind.
After what you've done to me,
I'd hardly call this visit
a pleasure.
Whatever do you mean, my dear?
You never would have been
able to put
that little blonde bitch of yours
up on the throne without my help.
Let alone, get rid of the real one.
You were paid handsomely.
I did not come here to bicker
with you, jarek, my dear.
I have a proposition for you.
You wish to have the Princess Evie
returned to you.
I wish to settle a score
with a certain varlet
who is escorting her back here.
I have a man shadowing them now.
Doubtless, you'll remember chin,
the buccaneer?
Chin, the one-eye?
The man's a second-rate amateur.
In any event, you will assist him.
Evie is mine.
- And the meddler?
- Deathstalker.
Deathstalker?
Oh, very well, he's yours.
Enjoy.
Done.
- Always a pleasure, sultana.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
Next!
Which way, o mighty oracle?
Why do they call you
the prince of thieves?
Because I'm the best.
- But you're not a real prince?
Which way?
The west road.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
The crystal ball
never lets me down.
The west road.
You're sure about that?
The west road.
If you had the chance
to marry a real Princess,
would you do it?
No, I wouldn't.
Why not?
Because being a Princess brings out
the worst in a woman.
Always whinin' and poutin',
and actin'
like a spoiled little brat, if they
don't get their own way all...
Give it to me, chin.
What do you got?
Deathstalker's as good
as in the grave.
Look, sailor, don't carve
a tombstone so readily.
He has as many lives,
as a cat.
And, remember,
the last one belongs to me.
If he's made of flesh and blood,
he can die.
Never underestimate
the strength of an enemy.
Especially an accomplished fighter
like stalker.
You telling me how to do
my job, sultana?
Just giving you
some friendly advice.
Well, keep it to yourself.
I'll bring stalker to you
on a platter.
Like a piece of raw meat.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah! I've got just the butchers
to do it!
Say hello to crazy Otto reingold,
the mad prussian,
solely responsible
for the lemurian massacres
that killed hundreds
and left thousands homeless.
I'm sure you recognize
ed "the head" schamanski.
Five years on the genghis Khan
strike force,
part-time consultant
to Attila the hun.
Next.
John "the baptist" bombaso.
Drowning's his specialty.
Beside him...
Nick "the crippler" of kashmir.
I think his name says it all.
And last, but not least,
the real find,
buddy "footstool" laroza,
only recently dismissed
by Ivan the terrible...
...for excessive brutality.
Still skeptical?
You bet I am.
Suit yourself.
Come on, boys.
Okay, men.
Let him have it!
Close, men, but don't kill...
Not yet.
I think we better find
another way.
Oh, really? You think so?
West road, right!
I oughta...
- Who are they?
- You tell me. You're the seer.
Well, they're trying to kill us.
Somebody give the lady a cigar.
Look, if they were trying
to kill us,
they could have done it
way back down the road.
No, they're...
they're after something.
You sure you're telling me
everything?
I told you it was gonna be a long
and perilous journey, didn't I?
Yeah, yeah, witches, ogres,
all that bad stuff.
You and your visions!
Knew these would come in handy.
Where you goin'?
- Just stay put.
- I wanna help.
You've done plenty already.
That'll be fine, boys.
Save your arrows.
Whew.
Stalker? Stalker!
There... huh?
Throw your sword down...
Or I'll cut her pretty,
little throat.
Go ahead. Cut it.
You rat!
You were gonna let him kill me!
Now, would I do a thing
like that?
Come on, let's go find that horse
and get the hell out of here.
Oh!
And, uh, would you mind
taking that knife
out of that guy for me?
It's the only one I got left.
Ew!
- Wait a minute!
- What do you want now?
Were you really gonna
let him kill me?
Deathstalker, you weren't really
gonna let him kill me, were you?
Huh? No, you wouldn't do that?
Deathstalker!
Ah, you're back!
Minus the fearless five.
You should have
listened to me.
You wanna bitch?
Bitch to jarek.
I'm calling him right now.
- What news have you?
- Bad news, lord jarek.
I hate bad news.
It spoils my day.
I got an idea.
Come closer.
I'll kill that son of a bitch
if it kills me.
You may rest assured
that it will.
So long, sailor.
Well, look what we have here.
Spooky, huh?
Yeah.
Stalker...
I still don't understand
why you want to break in there.
Because
we're broke, that's why.
What's that got to do with anything?
That's a family mausoleum.
There are probably...
More jewels in there,
than we can carry out.
You're about to become
a very rich woman.
I was just starting
to enjoy poverty.
Come on, where's your sense
of adventure?
This isn't adventure.
It's just damn scary!
Yeah, but, uh...
When legends told...
I want people to think
we faced this bravely.
When the legend's told,
nobody's gonna believe
we were this stupid!
- Stalker.
- Huh?
I heard somewhere it was bad luck
to walk over graves.
I heard it was only
the open ones.
- Wait a minute!
- What?
I just remembered.
My hat...
I left the door unlocked.
We gotta go back!
- You don't have a door?
- I don't?
No.
Oh, yeah.
What was that?
The wind.
It should get oiled.
It came from in there.
You bet it did.
Stalker, you're not really
going in there?
- Don't go in there. It's dark.
- Look, relax, will ya?
Whew!
Well, come on in.
What are you waiting for?
Ah, come on, it's a little smelly,
but what could happen?
Stalker!
Stalker.
You know...
Grave robbing is not only
morally repulsive,
but I believe it carries a rather
stiff penalty, in these parts.
Who the hell are you?
Forgive me for not introducing
myself properly.
But I assumed a person with even
your limited deductive powers,
could have guessed.
Jarek.
Stalker.
Stalker!
Get out here!
Stalker, get out here!
I'd offer you my hand, sir.
But it's both tiring
and inconvenient
to be at two places at once...
Even for a sorcerer.
So if you'll be so good
as to excuse me,
I have a rather pressing
engagement to attend to.
And, oh, by the way...
I've arranged one for you
as well.
Stalker!
Ah! Son of a bitch.
Ah! The old crushing wall
routine, huh?
You couldn't do better than this?
Me and my big mouth...
Stalker! Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Gotta be a secret lever
around here someplace.
Uh-huh!
Yipe!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker!
Stalker! Get out here!
Stalker!
Gosh, leave you alone
for five minutes,
look what happens.
Come on!
Come on!
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!
Yah! Yah!
Come on! Yah!
Don't you know another tune?
Get out of here!
It's happening again!
Guards! Guards!
No! No!
No!
Dinner is served, your majesty.
- Did you see the face on her?
- Too bad. Nice body, though!
Come.
I won't bite.
You know, something funny
is going on here.
First, we get attacked
by bandits.
Then those damned zombies.
What's next?
Don't answer that!
Every time,
it's like they're waiting for us.
This jarek guy
is playing for keeps.
I told you the path would be
filled with perils.
Yeah, yeah.
We can forget the legend,
if you want to.
There's still time to turn back.
Reward's still up for grabs,
isn't it?
Uh-huh.
Who said anything
about turning back?
Not me.
Here...
Looks like you could use this.
What are you gonna use?
The fire won't last
but a few more minutes.
- I'll be all right.
- Are you sure?
There's plenty of blanket here.
Nah.
Oh, okay...
- Isn't it cozy?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Stalker?
- Hmm?
Is that your sword
or you just happy to see me?
Well, what's the Ol' crystal ball
say about this one?
Just follow the road to bagoth,
turn west at a tree
that looks like a rock,
where you cross a dry riverbed,
where the water is more shallow.
What? Dry river?
Just... just follow the mountains!
Okay!
Not gonna be any zombies
or anything, are there?
It's a clear road.
No surprises.
- No surprises?
- No surprises.
No surprises?
Some oracle
you turned out to be!
Three out of four's not bad!
Uh, why I oughta...
Rough crowd!
- Look, I...
- Let me do the talking.
Now listen.
I think there's been some mistake.
Maybe you haven't heard of me.
Silence!
Haven't we met before?
No, no, no.
I don't think so.
I would have remembered.
You look a lot like Evie of jzafir,
the demon Princess,
who raids our camps
and burns our crops,
and steals our men.
Me? A Princess?
Do I look like a Princess to you?
No.
But my name is reena.
Reena the seer.
- Reena?
- Oh, yeah...
Her name's reena, all right.
Reena the seer.
Reena the liar.
Oh, well,
maybe I've made a mistake.
Yeah, uh, well...
Now that we've, uh, cleared up
this little misunderstanding,
and we're all friends again...
Uh...Maybe we could just be
on our way.
The girl may go,
but not you.
Deathstalker.
So. You have heard of me.
Oh, yes.
Your legend precedes you.
Your exploits as a womanizer
are well known in these parts.
Well, I am more of a lover
than a fighter.
- I hope not.
- Huh?
You'll be put on trial for your
crimes against womanhood.
Trial?
- Trial?
- Trial...
...by combat!
Used to be able to do this great.
How's it goin'?
It's a farce!
I can beat any of these women
with my hands tied
behind my back.
That's the spirit!
Come on! Come on!
Let's get goin'!
Let's get in the ring!
Okay, okay, I'm goin'.
Stop shovin'...
- Deathstalker!
- Here it comes.
According to our laws,
we must settle
all serious disputes
in a trial by combat.
Your opponent, in this contest,
shall be none other than gorgo,
our fiercest warrior.
And my champion!
Gorge! Gorge! Gorge!
I could beat her
with my eyes closed.
Gorge!. Come on down!
It's taking candy
from a baby. You name it!
Did you see her?
- Stalker.
- Shut up, will ya?
- Shut up.
- Stalker!
Look, I could beat her
with my eyes closed.
I think you should keep
at least one eye open.
What are you talking about?
What?
Aumence! Gorge! Gorge!
Gorge! Gorgo!
Get back!
Gorge!. Gorge!.
Gorgo!. Gorgo!
Gorgo! Gorgo!
This is, of course,
a fight to the death.
Naturally.
No mercy.
Well...
May the best man...
Skip it.
Let the fight begin!
that's a nice outfit.
You have to buy your clothes
at a special store?
Gorgo! Gorgo!
Get up! All right, come on.
Whoa!
Gorgo! Gorgo!
Aumence! Gorge! Gorge!
Gorge! Gorgo!
And stay down!
Come on.
here's what you gotta do.
Stay away from her,
wear her out, run her down,
then attack!
Attack! Yeah...
If I'm still alive,
I'll have her in five.
Six, maybe.
Seven at the outside.
go get her, tiger!
Whoa!
No, not the hair!
Not the hair!
Anything but the hair!
Get up! Okay! Come on!
Could I have just one minute
of your time?
No!
Gorgo! Gorgo!
you're looking good out there.
Doing a good job.
Ease it up, and don't let her
get you with that right.
I won't...
You know, she may...
Have the strength...
I got the stamina...
Go get 'em!
Goddamnit!
Oh!
just where I want her now.
She's putty in my hands.
Putty in my hand.
no! No!
Get tough! Get tough!
Geronimo!
Go for a spin!
Come on.
Jab! Jab! Jab!
Jab! Jab! Jab!
Kill her!
Kill her! Kill her!
Kill her!
What are you doing?
This is a fight to the death!
You wanna kill her?
Do it yourself.
That was incredible!
You were great!
Thanks... Princess.
Wait!
Look...
I know I haven't been completely
on the level with you.
Yeah, you can say that again.
I can't believe I bought
that whole bill of goods
you tried to sell me.
- I bet you're not even a seer!
- Well, not a very good one.
But I am a Princess...
Or I was.
Jarek made a double of me,
put her on the throne,
and seized the kingdom.
Oh, that's... that's good.
That's rich.
Try it on the next sap you meet.
Look...
I escaped, I needed help,
and I didn't know
whether you'd believe me.
So you dangled fame and fortune
in front of me,
like some kind of carrot?
Didn't you think
i might help ya?
Haven't you ever heard
of honor among thieves?
You mean you would have
helped me without the money?
I didn't say that!
See?
Look...
Begging your highness's pardon,
but I'd rather be an obscure thief
than a famous fool.
I want her here,
and I want her here now!
Where the hell is she?
Evie, darling.
I'm sick of all this
waiting around...
While that little bitch
is out there,
plotting against me!
Evie, darling, it's jarek.
What do you want?
I hate her!
I hate her! I hate her!
Why haven't you found her yet?
Patience, my little lovebird.
You needn't worry.
I shall find her.
You will be pleased, though,
i think, to learn
that I have achieved what I believe
to be a major breakthrough.
I hope so.
Every day I fade more and more!
Soon, I'll cease to exist!
Come with me to my chamber.
You shan't be disappointed.
This better be good.
I assure you, it will be good.
In my hand...
I hold the key to our success
and happiness, my darling.
- The elixir.
- Elixir?
An elixir which will sever your ties
to the real Princess forever.
Now for the moment of triumph.
A work of art, don't you think?
I duplicated him
as I duplicated you.
Now for the test.
You may have the honor.
Thank you.
- It works!
- Naturally.
You've made me so happy.
Drink this, and our little Princess
is as good as dead.
Thank you again.
Have you girls
seen deathstalker?
No.
- Have you seen deathstalker?
- No.
- Have you seen deathstalker?
- There he is.
Shall we drink, then, to your
magnificent battle tonight?
And...
The magnificent battle
yet to come.
Which one's that?
Oh, that!
Your body's close to me...
But your mind seems far away.
Just... wait here, one minute.
Don't go away.
- Stalker?
- Hmm?
Just think...
Our lovemaking tonight may spawn
generations of leaders to come.
The passion in our hearts will burn
like a great sensual fire...
Melding our souls into
a whirlpool of unending ecstasy.
- Sounds good to me.
- Tomorrow...
My servant will awaken us
at dawn.
You gotta be kiddin'?
After that fight, I was kinda
looking forward to sleeping in.
Oh, no! That's not possible.
The ceremony traditionally
is performed at daybreak.
Ceremony?
What ceremony?
Our wedding ceremony.
Aw, shit!
Excuse me, have you seen
the girl I was with?
I think she left a half-hour ago.
Thanks.
I don't suppose you guys
are hunters,
and I stepped
into your bear trap?
Nah, I didn't think so.
Ah!
Now that you're up,
your royal highness,
there are matters
we need to discuss.
You're the one
who helped jarek!
In all the excitement,
we never really did
have a chance
to sit down and talk.
But now we can fix all that.
Where's deathstalker?
Why should I tell you anything?
Huh?
I can think of lots of reasons.
Here's one.
I'll never talk!
And do you know why?
Jarek needs to keep me alive.
You kill me,
and you're as good as dead,
and you know it.
Do you know that i
could drop you, say,
up to your waist, and you'd still
be very much alive?
Now, where is deathstalker?
Somebody looking for me?
- Stalker!
- You came back!
By popular demand.
Get him!
It's payback time, stalker!
I'm all for it, of course.
Stalker!
What the matter?
Nothing. I just think there's
a time and a place for everything.
Well, the top half of you
may think it's the wrong time,
but the bottom half definitely
knows it's the right place!
Lord jarek,
we've recovered the body.
Get her in here at once, fools!
Will there be anything else,
my lord?
Out! Out!
As you wish, my lord.
Welcome back.
Very interesting.
Is there another way in?
Of course.
- Where do these tunnels go?
- Under the castle.
What was that?
The wind.
Friend of yours?
Looks like he died
with a gag in his mouth.
Yeah, well if he did,
he never got a chance
to tell it.
Stalker... I've got a feeling.
- Don't say it. Just don't say it!
- But...
Every time you have a vision,
something bad happens.
- Stalker!
- Get out! Just get out of here!
Hi, guys.
Ah, deathstalker...
You needn't come
through the servant's entrance.
I would have welcomed you
through the front gates.
Oh, I've seen
your welcoming committee.
You know, despite
your rather silly name,
I hear you're quite
an extra ordinary swordsmen.
Like a demonstration?
Another time, perhaps.
Oh, god, I've forgotten,
there won't be another time.
You see, I couldn't have possibly
attained my current position
b)! Playing fair.
Kill him.
Stop!
- He's mine!
- Sultana?
I thought you was dead.
Not hardly.
Well, I must say, you're lookin'
better than ever.
And it's, uh, really great
to be back here at the castle.
Found her, boys!
- Poor girl fell off her horse.
- What can we do?
Check her heart.
I think we revived her.
Huh?
Good evening, deathstalker.
Doesn't look too good from here.
Where's the little Princess?
You don't expect me to talk?
No,no,no...
I expect you to die.
And I'm sorry to see you go.
We could have made a great team.
There's still time.
I'm afraid,
time has run out for you.
Did you ever think
about joining our side?
Good-bye, deathstalker.
I shoulda stood in bed.
Mother.
Princess wants to see ya.
Dad got laid off.
Things were tough for our family
for a long time.
Nice digs.
Most of my gentleman callers
bring flowers.
Damn! My mistake.
I must have given them
to the wrong Princess.
I don't wanna shock ya,
but there's, uh, another girl
running around here
that's a dead ringer for you.
That little harlot is nothing
but a lying imposter.
That's funny, 'cause that's exactly
what she said about you.
Uh, say...
Would you mind, uh,
calling off your hogs here?
Big laughs, these guys.
Next time I see 'em, it's gonna be
on a plate next to some eggs.
Don't you think I look
like a Princess?
You dress like a Princess.
You walk like a Princess.
You kiss like a Princess.
But you sure don't act
like a Princess.
Oh? And how's a Princess
supposed to act?
I'm not sure...
But I, uh, think you're start...
I think you're starting
to get a handle on it.
I think so, too.
Oh, I could just eat you alive.
Bones and everything?
Mmm.
And now you're mine, stalker.
What?
I thought I told you
not to hang around
with girls like that!
Well, it was just her looks
that got to me.
Oh, well, in that case.
Uh, look...
I don't want to sound ungrateful
or anything but...
How the hell
did you get in here?
You're forgetting one thing, bucko...
This is my castle, my room...
My bed, for crying out loud!
And you think I don't know where
the secret passageways are?
Well, uh, thanks.
I thought you might need this.
You sure
you know where you're goin'?
I got us here, didn't I?
Yeah, just tell me
one thing, though,
why do secret passageways
have to be so damn clammy
and dark?
Quit gripin'.
We're almost here.
Besides, I got a surprise for ya.
Here we are.
Some surprise.
How do they say it,
"out of the frying pan,
into the fire"?
Yeah, that's how they say it,
all right.
You can't possibly kill us all.
One against 100.
Make that two against 100.
Kill them.
Hey!
What about we even up
those odds considerably?
Told ya I had a surprise.
Get them!
Where are you going?
Leaving.
You owe me your life.
I owe nothing to any man,
even you.
Good luck,
'cause you're gonna need it.
Get out of my way!
What is going on here?
I have a splitting headache.
I'm trying to get some sleep!
You?
Inside! Inside!
It's not over yet.
You okay?
Guess you are.
Come on, we got business
to attend to.
How could you let this happen?
You've ruined my life!
I gave you your life!
Now, go to your chambers.
I'll be there shortly.
Go.
Throne room's that way.
Where you goin'?
There's only room
for one Princess in this castle.
What're you gonna do?
Can't tell ya.
Girl talk.
Oh.
You bitch!
Ew!
Still ready
for that demonstration?
Spoken like a true gallant!
And soon to be a legend.
But not a living one.
Up.
Yay!
Hey, stalker...
Look.
Your highness shall speak now.
This oughta be good.
Come forward, deathstalker.
We've searched
through the kingdom's coffers
for some expression
of our appreciation
for your magnificent deeds.
And that is?
You're looking at it, bucko.
You sure you made
the right choice?
I don't know.
Let me consult my crystal ball.
Uh...
You won't be needing this
anymore.
Ow!
So, you really think our story is
gonna make it into the legends?
Oh, more than that!
A thousand years from now,
players will re-enact
all our exploits.
Really?
Well... I sure hope they get
a good-looking guy to play me!
Ole!
Stalker!
God, I leave you alone
for five minutes,
look what happens.
Ow!
Goddamnit, that's hot!
Don't you think
i look like a Princess?
You dress like a Princess.
Oh, I hate these friggin' stairs!
Excuse me.
That's lunch! 30 minutes!
Huh?
Don't laugh at me!