Debbie Does Demons (2023) Movie Script
Who am I?
My name is Car mill a Karnstein.
When the black plague
devastated Europe, I was there.
When depraved witch finders
walked the Earth, I was there.
And when my condemned sisters
were flayed and burned alive,
I was there.
Some call me a witch, others
think me a demon, fools!
Shall I tell you my secret?
Car mill a Karnstein is more than a woman,
more than a witch, for
your eyes behold a guise.
Do you hear me, poor mortal?
Down on your knees.
Nice to see all my ghostly ghouls again.
I'm Debbie, your favorite graveyard slut,
and we have a very special episode
of Debbie Does Demons for you tonight.
We are turning the clocks back to 1723,
as we explore the life of the
most notorious witch bitch
who's ever humped a broom.
A salacious slut, who gave
even skeletons a boner.
The queen of naked evil,
Car mill a Karnstein.
Stop that!
Where were we?
Ah yes, Car mill a.
She was always on the prowl
for luscious virgin booty.
One taste of her orgasmic love smoothie,
and they were hot, horny, and hell bent.
Imagine flesh sliding against flesh,
twisting writhing bodies,
in Carmilla's personal orgy of the damned.
Now there was only one thing
that could stop her private passion party.
The Witchfinder.
Don't you know what's about to happen?
This is the greatest night of your life.
You're about to be an offering, a vessel,
to the greatest sorceress
who's ever walked the Earth.
My own mother.
Your mother?
I don't understand.
My mother passed many of
her dark powers on to me,
but not all.
Then, she was caught by the Witchfinder,
burned at the stake,
before she could achieve her great work.
Unleashing demons on the earth
to torment the race of man.
That's the Devil's work.
My mother was his handmaiden,
and with your virgin blood,
I shall summon her spirit
to inhabit your body.
Do you understand?
My mother's great work shall
finally come true at last.
Please let me go.
Witch!
No, the Witchfinder!
Seize the witch!
Car mill a Karnstein, this
tribunal condemns you to death!
For your sacrilegious acts
of heresy and witchcraft.
Just as I condemned your
evil mother Davinia.
Your agony shall be prolonged,
until you plea for your death.
Your eyes, messengers of evil,
shall be burned from their sockets.
Your tongue, poisoned by
a thousand blasphemies,
shall be torn from your mouth.
Prepare to meet your mother in Hell.
Accursed wretches.
You think you can end my
evil by destroying my body?
My mother's power goes beyond the grave.
She'll find me another shell to inhabit,
until she is once again ready
to rip the gates of Hell open.
Maybe I'll take your body, Witchfinder.
That would be the ultimate jest,
to use a witchfinder's body
to do my mother's bidding.
Silence!
If you shall not hold your
tongue, I shall take it!
Now tremble, Witch!
Tremble before the will of God!
Behold my face, Witch!
For it is your last sight
you shall see on Earth!
The fool is mi...
Mine!
The powerful, strong body!
It will serve me well!
So Car mill a made the
Witchfinder her number one bitch.
Legend has it, she still
walks the earth today.
Others say she was
toasted like a marshmallow
at one of those Salem witch cookouts.
As for me, I like to believe
that she's still with us.
And, if I was a witchfinder,
I'd be very nervous.
That brings down the
curtain on another episode
of Debbie Does Demons.
I'll be back next week.
And remember, if you see
ghosty, ghouly, or a goblin
in your neighborhood, call Debbie.
Bye!
Wow, Debbie is so cool you guys.
I hope I get to meet her one day.
She's got a bangin' little bod.
Maybe she'd let me in
her chamber of secrets.
Adam, if you even touch
that skank without me,
I will put your balls in a blender.
Sounds kinky,
I might be down for this.
Adam, whatever you two are about to do,
take it to the bedroom.
No one wants to see that, especially me.
Wait wait wait, hold on hold on.
Let him stay.
Lauren!
Listen, I've got a
really really cool idea,
and I need four of us for it.
What's that, naked twister?
Because I'm definitely down for it.
Not today, Adam.
Maybe another time.
Tonight, I think that we
should talk to the spirit
of Car mill a Karnstein.
That witch from the T. V?
Room.
Listen you guys, Car mill a
was a real person, okay?
She was alive 300 years ago.
She had amazing, crazy, witchy powers.
She was some sort of,
like, amazing sorceress.
Don't you guys think that
it would be really cool
to talk to her?
Wait, since when did you
become an expert on witches?
Well, I've been doing
lots of research on Car mill a
ever since I got my genealogy report back.
And get this,
it says that I'm a direct
descendant of Car mill a.
Don't you guys see?
This is why I brought you over here,
so that you guys could
watch Debbie with me.
I knew she was gonna talk about Car mill a.
Okay wait, this is crazy.
So you are directly
related to a real witch?
Yeah.
Okay Lauren, I need you
to please do me this favor.
I need you to put a spell on Adam,
so he lasts longer than
two minutes in bed, please.
We're not supposed
to talk about that.
I'm sorry, babe.
Listen listen listen, seriously guys.
I have an Ouija board.
I say that we talk to Car mill a.
You can talk to dead
people with an Ouija board?
Yeah.
I want to talk to Kurt Cobain.
Why?
So he can say if you
smell like teen spirit?
Fuck you, Adam.
Oh my God, guys.
It's my Ouija board, I say
that we talk to Car mill a now.
Would you guys like some wine?
Because I've heard that a little wine
will really help you guys get
in touch with the spirits.
Okay well you had me
at wine, let's do this.
So, what you're saying is
that you want all of us to get drunk,
and talk to a bunch of ghosts.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Keep me liquored up, and I be your mama.
Really good show tonight, Debbie.
Don't you
mean really cheap show?
Is our budget so low that my
director has to play a zombie?
And don't think I didn't notice
you trying to cop a feel.
Hey, I was
getting into character.
Yeah, whatever.
And you almost had me goin' tonight.
All that talk about witches, spooky.
It's all real Eddie.
Car mill a Karnstein really existed,
and for all we know, she could
still exist among us today.
Oh yeah well, I can't see her.
Me on the other hand, I'm right here.
And I got a bottle of Lynchburg's finest,
and I don't mind sharing.
Gosh, with little old me?
I must be a lucky girl.
Was kind kind of hoping I'd be the one
to get lucky tonight.
I bet you were Eddie.
But you know, talking
about demons and witches
really takes it out of a girl.
I think I'm gonna head home
and get a little beauty sleep,
if that's okay with you?
Well, I was thinking...
And you keep right on thinking, Eddie.
A girl can take one look at you,
and notice that you're
a very deep thinker.
Wow, Debbie.
You really mean that?
Every word, Eddie.
Goodnight.
You know what?
I think that babe likes me.
Car mill a Karnstein, I summon you.
Car mill a, do you hear me?
Ask her if she knows Kurt Cobain.
This is the voice of Lauren,
one of your devotees,
your flesh and blood.
Do you hear me?
Please answer me.
Look into my soul, Car mill a.
Feel the blood that links us.
Are you with us?
Please, we come to you with
humility, with respect.
What the hell was that?
That was you, wasn't it.
You just kicked under
the table, didn't you?
It wasn't me, it was
one of those bitches.
Did you just call me a bitch?
- If the shoe fits.
- Silence!
Well you little cock sucker, I ought a...
Guys I feel a presence!
Fingers back on.
Car mill a Karnstein, do you hear me?
I summon you.
Is it you, Car mill a?
Do you hear me?
Yo fuck this, we're
out of here, let's go.
Lauren, what's happening?
Oh hell no!
This isn't happening,
this isn't happening.
This isn't happening.
Who's in there?
Who's in the shower?
Hello?
Don't you recognize me, Jan?
Who are you?
How do you know my name?
You summoned me,
my name is Car mill a Karnstein.
There's no way! You're lying!
Car mill a Karnstein lived 300 years ago!
But I'm here.
You can see me, yes?
This is, I've gotta be dreaming.
It was Lauren's fucking wine.
I have to be dreaming, that's...
That's it.
Am I a dream?
Is this what a dream looks like?
Is this what a dream feels like?
Don't resist.
Let it happen.
It can be beautiful.
So beautiful.
Hey babe, catch.
What do you think you're doing?
Just chillin', is
there anything wrong with that?
Don't play games with me,
I know exactly what you're doing.
And what would that be?
I've just had
the shit scared out of me,
and now you want to be the
calm one, the brave one.
You just wanna be in here all chill.
You wanna be chill and screw.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Did it not occur to
you that maybe right now
is not the best time to bang?
Like, we just got all
freaked out downstairs.
Our best friend, Lauren, is...
We don't know, should we
maybe wonder about her?
Since when is Lauren my best friend?
You know what?
I think you like her, I
mean you really like her.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I know.
I've seen the way that you look at her.
You sure don't look at me that way.
You are insane, I don't even
know why I'm living with you.
You are a sad, pathetic, loser.
You wanna talk about a sick fixation?
You are the one that watches
yourself when we bang.
If you can figure out a way
to fuck yourself, you would.
Oh, is that supposed to hurt me?
I find it pretty funny.
Of course you do, you
think everything's a joke.
Huh, not everything.
I'm starting to think
that Ouija board shit,
at first I thought it was a joke,
but now...
Now what?
I'm not so sure.
I mean it had Lauren really freaked out.
Yeah, it really did.
Maybe we should go check on her?
I guess.
Yeah, we should go check on her.
I thought we were gonna
go check on Lauren.
Yeah, but we both
don't need to go do that.
Why don't you just go
check on her real quick,
and come back.
Oh, and while your down there,
grab me a bottle of wine and a glass.
Yes ma'am, anything else?
Um yeah, there actually
is something else.
Can you maybe not be such a big asshole?
Probably not.
I didn't think so.
Shit Lauren, are you okay?
Lauren, Lauren!
Shit, Lauren, what's going on?!
Don't freak me out!
Adam.
Who said that, is that you Ash-ley?
Adam.
Hey, you're not Ashley.
Who, who, who are you?
Who am I?
Don't you know?
Didn't you summon me?
Summon you?
We played with some Ouija board,
and Lauren wanted to
talk to some crazy witch.
Do you think that I'm a witch, Adam?
Hey, how do you know my name?
Who are you?
I'm a woman
unlike you've ever known.
I walked the Earth 300 years ago.
But now... oh, brave new world!
With such creatures in it.
Lady, tell me the truth.
Who are you, did somebody
send you here to freak me out?
To believe in all this witch shit?
If you want me to believe in it, prove it.
And on top of that,
you better not mess with me or my friends.
Help.
When you speak to me, get on your knees.
Much better.
Can you guess what happens next?
I shall rip out your heart
and feast on your soul.
Shit.
That was a fucked up dream.
What do you think?
That show I did on Car mill a Karnstein
must have really got to me.
Car mill a was alive and
turning people into demons.
That's bat shit crazy.
I mean, isn't it?
Why do I ask you?
You never agree with me anyways.
Oh, you think I'm crazy?
Well thank you very much,
it's nice to know I can count on you
when I'm having a complete breakdown.
Have you ever thought that
maybe you're the crazy one?
Well, you think
about that for a minute,
and I'm gonna go grab a beer.
No you can't have one, sorry.
Ah, my head!
I'm getting an image and a name.
Car mill a?
What the fucking fuck?
What's taking Adam so long?
He better not be drinking my wine.
Adam, where are you?
Oh my God, Lauren.
Lauren, Lauren?
Lauren?!
Lauren, Lauren.
- What?
- Are you okay?
What happened?
Um, I'm looking for Adam,
and he just disappeared.
What do you mean?
Perhaps I could help.
Lauren, who the hell is that?
Oh fuck.
Tell her Lauren.
It's you, isn't it?
You're here!
What are you talking about, who is that?
Ashley, you're looking at...
Car mill a Karnstein!
It's you!
You sensed it, didn't you?
It's this blood that we share.
I know you, and you know me.
I summoned you...
I summoned you and you're here!
From the dust of
centuries past, yes Lauren.
Be careful what you wish for.
Where's Adam, what did you do to him?
Is he your lover?
Does he satisfy you, Ashley?
Does he make you writhe with pleasure?
Where is he?
I need him, I need his flesh.
- You bitch!
- No, no, no, no, no!
Don't touch her, don't touch her!
Very wise.
Lauren knows who I am, and what I can do.
Please, just please
give him to me, please.
- Would you like to see Adam?
- Yes!
Are you sure?
Yes!
Adam!
There's someone here to see you.
Adam has a new friend now.
Adam, show Ashley your friend.
What did you do to them?
Oh shit, this isn't good.
Oh shit, this isn't good.
They have a purpose now,
to serve me, forever.
Now, I shall give you a purpose.
Let's go, let's go, let's
go, let's go, let's go!
No, Ashley, let's go!
Come on, come on, let's go!
Come on!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Go, go, go, go!
Faster!
Ashley?
Ashley, are you okay?
You just killed him,
you just killed him,
you just killed Adam.
You're a murderer, you just killed him!
Ashley, that wasn't Adam.
I couldn't help it, Ashley.
He was gonna kill us,
that wasn't Adam anymore.
Just let me out of this car...
No, no, no, no, no.
Jan is back there with
that crazy witch bitch.
Do you really wanna go back there?
Oh my God, oh my God.
Ashley.
Ashley?
Ash?
Ashley?
Ashley, hey.
Ash, Ashley?
Ashley, are you okay?
You failed!
I gave you the power, my power,
the power of our Dark Lord,
and you let them escape!
You must be punished!
I summon you, Dark Prince.
Come forth and take this pitiful flesh
and mold it into your image.
Use this as your vessel, for evil!
Give me that remote.
Hey, I was watching that.
Well, I think it's gross.
Don't you have something
decent we can watch?
Define decent.
Decent, a movie that
doesn't make me gag.
Okay, so that rules out my
Lucio Fulci collection, um...
Don't you have any
Sandra Bullock movies?
No!
Reese Witherspoon?
No!
Taylor Swift?
Never say that name in this house!
Now you're just useless to me.
Well, I have wine.
Go on.
Carlo Rossi, Arbor Mist, Yellow tail.
A couple of four-packs
of the Sutter Home, hmm?
Now you're being useful, go fetch!
Yes, ma'am.
Aren't you gonna answer that?
It doesn't look very important.
Lauren?
Who is this...
Who exactly is this Lauren person?
She's a very, very distant friend.
Well, you should talk to her.
She's actually kind of a pest.
Then you should definitely talk to her.
I wanna know what's going
on with you and this "pest."
Hello, Lauren.
Look, no, no.
This is really not a good time right now.
What did she say?
Apparently she's
being chased by a witch,
her friends Jan and Adam
have been turned into demons,
and she wants to come here.
Is she always like this?
Under no circumstances
should you come here,
do not come here!
Listen, make sure you
understand what I'm say...
What'd she say?
She's on the way.
I got news for you, she's here.
Oh God, not good.
Your little crack whore
is having a really, really bad trip.
You need to go talk her down.
Yeah, I definitely want
to know what she's smoking,
'cause maybe she has a little extra.
Claude!
Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go.
Oh, Lauren.
Okay, Claude,
you seriously have no idea
what I've been through today.
Well, I think you said
you were chased by witches and demons.
Just that, right?
No Draculas, no trolls,
everybody loves trolls.
Okay, so you don't believe me then?
Oh no, no, Jessie and I, we believe you.
I'm staying out of this shit.
She's after me, Claude.
Car mill a Karnstein is after me.
Okay.
And who is Car mill a Karnstein?
The 300 year old witch, Claude.
Let's get with the program, okay?
I need a place to hide.
Uh, didn't you say your
friend Ashley was with you?
Oh my God.
Ashley, I forgot about Ashley.
You have to help me.
You have to help me go get her.
You mean Ashley can't
walk up here by herself?
Did she have a little too much
of that.
Yeah, real funny Claude, real funny.
Adam spewed all kinds of
demon goo all over her,
and she passed out.
Isn't Adam her boyfriend?
Uh, was her boyfriend.
Uh, now he's some kind
of demon fiend from hell.
He's a Republican?
Oh my God.
Claude, just help me go get her.
Come on, let's go.
Okay.
Do you see her?
'Cause I sure the fuck don't.
Honestly.
Where is she?
Bitch aint out here.
Any luck finding that bitch?
If you ask me, this is
a fucking waste of time.
Oh, what the fuck?!
Hey, wait for me!
Oh my God.
What the fuck was that?
Dude, that was Angela.
Are all your friends fucking demons?
It's starting to look that way.
Listen, we need help.
Do you know how to fight a demon?
I was just getting ready to relax
for a quiet night at home.
I was gonna pop a bottle of Chablis.
I don't, I didn't want to fight demons.
Wine?
You have wine?
Yeah, but is this the time
to be talking about wine?
Yes, this is the time for wine.
I just watched my friend chew your friend.
I want to get very, very drunk.
Okay.
It's in the kitchen.
Perfect.
Okay, so I need a little recap
about this little shit
storm we got goin' on here.
Can you take it from the top for me?
Alright, so this whole
thing is kind of my fault.
I summoned a 300 year old
witch on an Ouija board,
but not just any witch.
I mean the ultimate, badass witch bitch.
Okay, so you summoned her,
now you need to un-summon her.
Okay, like make it...
So listen, have you ever
seen Debbie Does Demons?
Is that some kind of porno?
No, it's a late night
cable show with Debbie,
she's a paranormal expert.
She covers ghosts and ghouls and goblins
and sectors and spooks
and hates and haunts
and zombies and the
paranormal and all that.
Anyway, I bet she would know what to do.
Okay, well how do we get a hold of her?
Uh, so the T.V. Station
WDFTV I'll just Google it.
Okay, alright.
Okay, okay.
Is it ringing?
Tell her, tell her to bring, like, an ax.
Oh, tell her to bring a chainsaw.
Okay, now it's ringing.
You got WDFTV, what do you want?
Hello?
Okay, my house has been
invaded by witches and demons,
I need to talk to Debbie.
So you're saying you got
a real life spook house?
Sounds like a good place
for our next episode.
Yes, absolutely, can you
send Debbie over right now?
I gotta run all this by Debbie first,
why don't you call me back tomorrow.
Okay, but that might be too late.
Where is Debbie right now?
Home I guess, I'm not her babysitter.
How do I even know you're legit?
She's got some crazy fuckin' fans.
But there's a demon outside of my house,
it just ate my friend's date.
No shit.
Like I said, I gotta run this by Debbie.
You just tell your little
demon friend to hold tight.
So what did he say?
Can we talk to Debbie?
Hell yeah.
And I know exactly how we're gonna do it.
It's me again, Debbie,
your favorite ghoul friend.
And tonight, I've got a report for you
on a super spooky place,
that makes Amityville look
like Pee-wee's Fun House.
That's right, a group of top
paranormal ghost whackers
spent a night in this moldy mansion,
and came to a unanimous verdict.
This crib is straight up haunted, peeps.
Need more proof?
Take a look at this.
Welcome to the Church of Hallowed Holes.
Please come inside.
I don't know about you,
but if that pesky ghost
lays a finger on this girl,
it's gonna be on the receiving end
of a major ghost spanking.
That's all for tonight,
come see me next week
on your favorite late night
spook show, Debbie Does Demons.
Goodnight.
And cut.
Good job, Debbie.
I don't know how you do it every week.
It's called talent, Eddie.
Something that you know nothing about.
Well, you know, now that we're done,
I was thinking there's
this place down the street,
they got these big, huge, thick, juicy,
greasy Italian sausage and peppers.
And I was thinking, you know...
That you want me to
watch you stuff your face?
Mm, tempting, but I think I'll pass.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, there was this chick
that called earlier,
something about demons, or witches,
or whatever in her house.
I thought it might be
good for the next show.
You wanna check it out?
Here's a better idea, how
about you go check it out
and if you see anything
spooky, take a couple selfies,
and maybe I'll put you
on next week's show.
Bye.
Who the fuck are you?
Hi, Debbie.
I'm Lauren, and this is Claude.
Hi.
We left a message for you earlier.
Was the message anything
about you breaking into my car?
We left a message about the witches.
And demons.
So naturally, we need your help.
Oh, naturally.
I mean, you're like an
expert on all this stuff right?
Ghouls, zombies, poltergeists.
Wait, let me get this straight.
You said there was a witch in your house?
Yeah.
Not like an actual, like,
pointy nose, broomstick witch,
but, like, definitely a witch.
And, how do you know she's a witch?
Well, she turned all of
Lauren's friends into trolls.
Demons, Claude.
She turned them into demons.
Demons, trolls,
aren't they basically the same thing?
No, definitely not...
Well, I don't know, are they Debbie?
No, absolutely right,
a troll and a demon are
definitely not the same thing.
Wow, see?
I told you, Debbie really is an expert.
Look, I say all
this stuff on television,
but witches aren't real.
I'm sure this is just some old hag,
who's trying to make you
believe that she's a witch.
No, no, no.
Listen, you would not say
that if you saw her, okay?
The witch that's in my house,
is the same witch that you
did an episode on last week.
Do you remember the episode
of Car mill a Karnstein?
That's her, that's who's in my house.
Okay, if you really watched that show,
you would know that Car mill a
Karnstein lived 300 years ago.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Uh, but I used a Ouija board.
Okay, look.
I don't believe you,
but assuming that you're
telling the truth,
and assuming that you
brought this witch back
with a Ouija board,
there should be a very
easy way to send her back.
How?!
Destroy the Ouija board, of course.
There has to be some sort
of ectoplasmic connection
between the board and the witch.
So, destroy the board, witch goes bye bye.
There's just one problem.
And I'm sure you're
gonna tell me what it is.
So, the Ouija board is back at my house,
and Car mill a is also there.
And if I step foot in that place,
she's gonna turn me into a demon.
Or a troll.
What's your hangup with trolls?
Well, I mean...
Look, if you turn into a troll
it would be a lot better than a demon.
What's the worst that can
happen if you turn into a troll?
Like, your gonna keep me
from crossing a bridge or something?
Okay well, if we don't stop Car mill a,
she's gonna turn you into a troll.
Is that what you want?
Well I mean, what about a gremlin?
Maybe I'd be cool with being a gremlin?
I really don't think she's gonna
give you a choice, Claude.
No?
No.
Look, I don't believe a
word that you two are saying,
but how about this.
You go back to your house,
grab the Ouija board,
and I'll set in on fire on live T.V.
How's that?
Well, since you don't
believe in witches, um,
can you come back to the house with me?
Absolutely not.
She's afraid of trolls.
Fuck.
Where the fuck is that
goddamn Ouija board?
Goddamn it.
Seriously?
What the fuck?
Yeah, that's not it.
What the fuck?
Seriously?
Looking for this?
Give it to me.
You should be pleased.
You summoned me and I came.
That was a mistake.
You don't belong here.
This is not your time,
you have to go back.
To the age of the witchfinders?
You'd do that to me,
your own flesh and blood?
Look, I shouldn't have summoned you,
all of my friends are demons now.
Is that your plan for me?
I could never harm you.
My blood is your blood.
We're different than the others.
Better.
All the world can burn, while
you and I reign supreme.
No, I will not be a part
of something like that.
Come to Wormwood
Cemetery and then decide.
I shall raise the dead
to build our demon army.
Then together, we'll rule
a new age of Hell on Earth.
I don't think so.
I...
No...
I don't like this, she's
taking too long in there.
I'm sure she's fine.
Oh look, here she is.
Lauren, are you okay?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Did you get the Ouija board?
No, it wasn't there.
What about the witch?
Car mill a was gone too.
I might've guessed.
But she has a message for us.
The witch left a message?
What did she say?
She said that she wants us to meet her
at Wormwood Cemetery tonight.
She has a special surprise for all of us.
Well, run me back to the station,
I want to grab my camera man for this.
Lauren, would it be
okay if I just, sort of,
sit this one out?
No, no, no, Claude.
You have to be there.
And you too, Debbie.
After tonight, you guys are
gonna be seeing the world
in a completely different way.
Hello?
Is anyone here?
I've got some great news to share.
Hello?
Can I help you?
I'm sorry, the door was open.
I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
I'd like to talk about God's plan for you.
I have a better idea.
Why don't we talk about my plan for you?
What are you doing?!
Can you feel it?
Your blood is getting warmer.
It's starting to boil!
Stop it!
Another soul for our Dark Lord.
Delicious.
Does my lip gloss look okay?
Uh, it's fine.
Okay, let's get this show rollin'.
Alright, this is Debbie
Does Demons, take one.
And, action.
Hello again, ghost whackers.
It's your favorite
graveyard tramp, Debbie,
and do I have a show for you.
I'm here at the super
creepy Wormwood Cemetery,
for a special all-witch
episode of Debbie Does Demons.
Remember Car mill a Karnstein?
The super slutty sorceress
that I told you all about last week?
Well, I have it on good authority,
that's she's making a very
special appearance tonight,
right here.
And I also hear that the old
girl is still pretty hot,
even though she's 300 years old.
Why don't we talk to a
couple of her friends,
Lauren and Claude, and get the dish.
Hey guys.
So, you're both claiming that
Carmilla's a straight up witch
and has amazing witchy powers?
Is that right?
That's right, Debbie.
Car mill a is actually one
of my great ancestors.
And 300 years ago, she was
captured by a witchfinder
and sentenced to be burned alive.
But she escaped.
And tonight, she is going to
show everyone her true power.
And, uh, exactly what
is Car mill a going to do?
Ask her yourself!
Oh my God.
Not good, not good.
Excuse me,
are you actually Car mill a Karnstein?
The legendary witch?
I have a message for all mankind.
I am Car mill a, your new queen.
After tonight, every living
creature that draws breath
shall bow before me.
And ruling by my side, this
one, who shares my blood.
Every queen needs an
army, and so it shall be,
all weak mortals shall
serve as my demon slave.
My army of the damned.
Car mill a, that sounds like
a really interesting idea,
but how do you plan on turning
average Joe's like
Claude here into demons?
Debbie, you're not helping!
Excellent question.
Let me show you.
Come to me.
I'd rather not.
I said come before me.
Let's go.
On your knees, scum!
I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees.
Look at me!
Look!
Arise and worship me.
Uh, hey guys, can someone
tell me what's going on here?
Things are getting a little freaky.
Do you see that woman?
She's yours, feed on her.
Now wait just a minute,
nobody's touching me.
This is my show, and
the number one rule is,
nobody eats the star!
Do you want me to keep filming?
No you idiot, I want you to help me.
Fuck that, I'm out of here.
I don't get paid enough for this.
I'm sending you back to
Hell, you motherfucker.
Stay away from me!
Foolish girl.
Join us, Debbie.
Share in our power.
No thank you.
Being a demon lady is
not my idea of living.
Do I look like a demon to you?
You look like a bitch.
I wish I knew where that Ouija board was.
You mean this?
I don't suppose I could
borrow that for a second?
That's not going to happen, Debbie.
Car mill a is here to stay, but
I can't say the same for you.
Snap out of it, Lauren.
You're under her spell,
you're not her slave!
Destroy that Ouija board.
Lauren's not gonna
listen to you, Debbie.
Lauren is mine.
No you're not, Lauren.
You can break from her spell.
Be strong, think about what
she did to your friends.
Do it for Adam, do it for
Jan, do it for Ashley.
Do it for them, destroy
that fucking board!
Jan,
Ashley...
Kill her, Lauren, I command you!
Ashley!
Kill her!
Debbie, dude.
I knew you could do it, and you did it.
I knew you could.
I was so scared, oh my God.
She is gone now, we don't
have to worry anymore.
Your plan, it worked.
She's back in her own time.
Oh, thank God.
But Lauren, just promise me one thing.
Anything.
Don't ever fuck with an
Ouija board ever again.
No problem.
Car mill a Karnstein.
Car mill a Karnstein.
Babe, are you okay?
Steve?
You summoned me, Steve.
You deserve a reward.
It's so good to be back.
It's me again, Debbie,
your favorite ghoul friend.
Take a look at this.
Turn the camera on.
Greetings fellow perverts.
My name is Newt Wallen, award
winning adult film star,
director, writer, producer,
all around artist.
In the realm of erotic, I'm quite famous.
At this very site, 40
years ago to the night,
my father, who also
was a purveyor of porn,
brought four young
wannabe 80's starlets here
to read from an ancient book
he received from a cultist,
after a long night of
coke and 80's, 80's-ness.
When he read from that book,
a great fire broke out.
And it was on that
night, at this very spot,
40 years ago to the night,
that my father and those poor
four adult film actresses,
in an attempt to conjure up
a demon by using dark magic
to have sex with, and make
dirty film picture history,
burned alive.
And now, we have returned
to that very spot
to once again try and
reach the other side.
And fuck it on camera.
Did it work?
The ritual is complete.
That it?
Now what?
Shit, there's something in here with us.
It worked.
I'm a little discouraged
you're surprised by that.
What?
Well fuck-a-doodle-doo.
Primitive flesh stain,
why have you summoned me from the pit?
Ah, well then.
Prepare your filthy soul for
pleasure beyond the realm
of what your fragile
monkey brain can fathom.
Touch the darkness, sub-creature.
My dick!
What did you do to my dick?!
That's all for tonight.
Come see me next week
on your favorite late night
spook show, Debbie Does Demons.
Goodnight.
My name is Car mill a Karnstein.
When the black plague
devastated Europe, I was there.
When depraved witch finders
walked the Earth, I was there.
And when my condemned sisters
were flayed and burned alive,
I was there.
Some call me a witch, others
think me a demon, fools!
Shall I tell you my secret?
Car mill a Karnstein is more than a woman,
more than a witch, for
your eyes behold a guise.
Do you hear me, poor mortal?
Down on your knees.
Nice to see all my ghostly ghouls again.
I'm Debbie, your favorite graveyard slut,
and we have a very special episode
of Debbie Does Demons for you tonight.
We are turning the clocks back to 1723,
as we explore the life of the
most notorious witch bitch
who's ever humped a broom.
A salacious slut, who gave
even skeletons a boner.
The queen of naked evil,
Car mill a Karnstein.
Stop that!
Where were we?
Ah yes, Car mill a.
She was always on the prowl
for luscious virgin booty.
One taste of her orgasmic love smoothie,
and they were hot, horny, and hell bent.
Imagine flesh sliding against flesh,
twisting writhing bodies,
in Carmilla's personal orgy of the damned.
Now there was only one thing
that could stop her private passion party.
The Witchfinder.
Don't you know what's about to happen?
This is the greatest night of your life.
You're about to be an offering, a vessel,
to the greatest sorceress
who's ever walked the Earth.
My own mother.
Your mother?
I don't understand.
My mother passed many of
her dark powers on to me,
but not all.
Then, she was caught by the Witchfinder,
burned at the stake,
before she could achieve her great work.
Unleashing demons on the earth
to torment the race of man.
That's the Devil's work.
My mother was his handmaiden,
and with your virgin blood,
I shall summon her spirit
to inhabit your body.
Do you understand?
My mother's great work shall
finally come true at last.
Please let me go.
Witch!
No, the Witchfinder!
Seize the witch!
Car mill a Karnstein, this
tribunal condemns you to death!
For your sacrilegious acts
of heresy and witchcraft.
Just as I condemned your
evil mother Davinia.
Your agony shall be prolonged,
until you plea for your death.
Your eyes, messengers of evil,
shall be burned from their sockets.
Your tongue, poisoned by
a thousand blasphemies,
shall be torn from your mouth.
Prepare to meet your mother in Hell.
Accursed wretches.
You think you can end my
evil by destroying my body?
My mother's power goes beyond the grave.
She'll find me another shell to inhabit,
until she is once again ready
to rip the gates of Hell open.
Maybe I'll take your body, Witchfinder.
That would be the ultimate jest,
to use a witchfinder's body
to do my mother's bidding.
Silence!
If you shall not hold your
tongue, I shall take it!
Now tremble, Witch!
Tremble before the will of God!
Behold my face, Witch!
For it is your last sight
you shall see on Earth!
The fool is mi...
Mine!
The powerful, strong body!
It will serve me well!
So Car mill a made the
Witchfinder her number one bitch.
Legend has it, she still
walks the earth today.
Others say she was
toasted like a marshmallow
at one of those Salem witch cookouts.
As for me, I like to believe
that she's still with us.
And, if I was a witchfinder,
I'd be very nervous.
That brings down the
curtain on another episode
of Debbie Does Demons.
I'll be back next week.
And remember, if you see
ghosty, ghouly, or a goblin
in your neighborhood, call Debbie.
Bye!
Wow, Debbie is so cool you guys.
I hope I get to meet her one day.
She's got a bangin' little bod.
Maybe she'd let me in
her chamber of secrets.
Adam, if you even touch
that skank without me,
I will put your balls in a blender.
Sounds kinky,
I might be down for this.
Adam, whatever you two are about to do,
take it to the bedroom.
No one wants to see that, especially me.
Wait wait wait, hold on hold on.
Let him stay.
Lauren!
Listen, I've got a
really really cool idea,
and I need four of us for it.
What's that, naked twister?
Because I'm definitely down for it.
Not today, Adam.
Maybe another time.
Tonight, I think that we
should talk to the spirit
of Car mill a Karnstein.
That witch from the T. V?
Room.
Listen you guys, Car mill a
was a real person, okay?
She was alive 300 years ago.
She had amazing, crazy, witchy powers.
She was some sort of,
like, amazing sorceress.
Don't you guys think that
it would be really cool
to talk to her?
Wait, since when did you
become an expert on witches?
Well, I've been doing
lots of research on Car mill a
ever since I got my genealogy report back.
And get this,
it says that I'm a direct
descendant of Car mill a.
Don't you guys see?
This is why I brought you over here,
so that you guys could
watch Debbie with me.
I knew she was gonna talk about Car mill a.
Okay wait, this is crazy.
So you are directly
related to a real witch?
Yeah.
Okay Lauren, I need you
to please do me this favor.
I need you to put a spell on Adam,
so he lasts longer than
two minutes in bed, please.
We're not supposed
to talk about that.
I'm sorry, babe.
Listen listen listen, seriously guys.
I have an Ouija board.
I say that we talk to Car mill a.
You can talk to dead
people with an Ouija board?
Yeah.
I want to talk to Kurt Cobain.
Why?
So he can say if you
smell like teen spirit?
Fuck you, Adam.
Oh my God, guys.
It's my Ouija board, I say
that we talk to Car mill a now.
Would you guys like some wine?
Because I've heard that a little wine
will really help you guys get
in touch with the spirits.
Okay well you had me
at wine, let's do this.
So, what you're saying is
that you want all of us to get drunk,
and talk to a bunch of ghosts.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Keep me liquored up, and I be your mama.
Really good show tonight, Debbie.
Don't you
mean really cheap show?
Is our budget so low that my
director has to play a zombie?
And don't think I didn't notice
you trying to cop a feel.
Hey, I was
getting into character.
Yeah, whatever.
And you almost had me goin' tonight.
All that talk about witches, spooky.
It's all real Eddie.
Car mill a Karnstein really existed,
and for all we know, she could
still exist among us today.
Oh yeah well, I can't see her.
Me on the other hand, I'm right here.
And I got a bottle of Lynchburg's finest,
and I don't mind sharing.
Gosh, with little old me?
I must be a lucky girl.
Was kind kind of hoping I'd be the one
to get lucky tonight.
I bet you were Eddie.
But you know, talking
about demons and witches
really takes it out of a girl.
I think I'm gonna head home
and get a little beauty sleep,
if that's okay with you?
Well, I was thinking...
And you keep right on thinking, Eddie.
A girl can take one look at you,
and notice that you're
a very deep thinker.
Wow, Debbie.
You really mean that?
Every word, Eddie.
Goodnight.
You know what?
I think that babe likes me.
Car mill a Karnstein, I summon you.
Car mill a, do you hear me?
Ask her if she knows Kurt Cobain.
This is the voice of Lauren,
one of your devotees,
your flesh and blood.
Do you hear me?
Please answer me.
Look into my soul, Car mill a.
Feel the blood that links us.
Are you with us?
Please, we come to you with
humility, with respect.
What the hell was that?
That was you, wasn't it.
You just kicked under
the table, didn't you?
It wasn't me, it was
one of those bitches.
Did you just call me a bitch?
- If the shoe fits.
- Silence!
Well you little cock sucker, I ought a...
Guys I feel a presence!
Fingers back on.
Car mill a Karnstein, do you hear me?
I summon you.
Is it you, Car mill a?
Do you hear me?
Yo fuck this, we're
out of here, let's go.
Lauren, what's happening?
Oh hell no!
This isn't happening,
this isn't happening.
This isn't happening.
Who's in there?
Who's in the shower?
Hello?
Don't you recognize me, Jan?
Who are you?
How do you know my name?
You summoned me,
my name is Car mill a Karnstein.
There's no way! You're lying!
Car mill a Karnstein lived 300 years ago!
But I'm here.
You can see me, yes?
This is, I've gotta be dreaming.
It was Lauren's fucking wine.
I have to be dreaming, that's...
That's it.
Am I a dream?
Is this what a dream looks like?
Is this what a dream feels like?
Don't resist.
Let it happen.
It can be beautiful.
So beautiful.
Hey babe, catch.
What do you think you're doing?
Just chillin', is
there anything wrong with that?
Don't play games with me,
I know exactly what you're doing.
And what would that be?
I've just had
the shit scared out of me,
and now you want to be the
calm one, the brave one.
You just wanna be in here all chill.
You wanna be chill and screw.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Did it not occur to
you that maybe right now
is not the best time to bang?
Like, we just got all
freaked out downstairs.
Our best friend, Lauren, is...
We don't know, should we
maybe wonder about her?
Since when is Lauren my best friend?
You know what?
I think you like her, I
mean you really like her.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I know.
I've seen the way that you look at her.
You sure don't look at me that way.
You are insane, I don't even
know why I'm living with you.
You are a sad, pathetic, loser.
You wanna talk about a sick fixation?
You are the one that watches
yourself when we bang.
If you can figure out a way
to fuck yourself, you would.
Oh, is that supposed to hurt me?
I find it pretty funny.
Of course you do, you
think everything's a joke.
Huh, not everything.
I'm starting to think
that Ouija board shit,
at first I thought it was a joke,
but now...
Now what?
I'm not so sure.
I mean it had Lauren really freaked out.
Yeah, it really did.
Maybe we should go check on her?
I guess.
Yeah, we should go check on her.
I thought we were gonna
go check on Lauren.
Yeah, but we both
don't need to go do that.
Why don't you just go
check on her real quick,
and come back.
Oh, and while your down there,
grab me a bottle of wine and a glass.
Yes ma'am, anything else?
Um yeah, there actually
is something else.
Can you maybe not be such a big asshole?
Probably not.
I didn't think so.
Shit Lauren, are you okay?
Lauren, Lauren!
Shit, Lauren, what's going on?!
Don't freak me out!
Adam.
Who said that, is that you Ash-ley?
Adam.
Hey, you're not Ashley.
Who, who, who are you?
Who am I?
Don't you know?
Didn't you summon me?
Summon you?
We played with some Ouija board,
and Lauren wanted to
talk to some crazy witch.
Do you think that I'm a witch, Adam?
Hey, how do you know my name?
Who are you?
I'm a woman
unlike you've ever known.
I walked the Earth 300 years ago.
But now... oh, brave new world!
With such creatures in it.
Lady, tell me the truth.
Who are you, did somebody
send you here to freak me out?
To believe in all this witch shit?
If you want me to believe in it, prove it.
And on top of that,
you better not mess with me or my friends.
Help.
When you speak to me, get on your knees.
Much better.
Can you guess what happens next?
I shall rip out your heart
and feast on your soul.
Shit.
That was a fucked up dream.
What do you think?
That show I did on Car mill a Karnstein
must have really got to me.
Car mill a was alive and
turning people into demons.
That's bat shit crazy.
I mean, isn't it?
Why do I ask you?
You never agree with me anyways.
Oh, you think I'm crazy?
Well thank you very much,
it's nice to know I can count on you
when I'm having a complete breakdown.
Have you ever thought that
maybe you're the crazy one?
Well, you think
about that for a minute,
and I'm gonna go grab a beer.
No you can't have one, sorry.
Ah, my head!
I'm getting an image and a name.
Car mill a?
What the fucking fuck?
What's taking Adam so long?
He better not be drinking my wine.
Adam, where are you?
Oh my God, Lauren.
Lauren, Lauren?
Lauren?!
Lauren, Lauren.
- What?
- Are you okay?
What happened?
Um, I'm looking for Adam,
and he just disappeared.
What do you mean?
Perhaps I could help.
Lauren, who the hell is that?
Oh fuck.
Tell her Lauren.
It's you, isn't it?
You're here!
What are you talking about, who is that?
Ashley, you're looking at...
Car mill a Karnstein!
It's you!
You sensed it, didn't you?
It's this blood that we share.
I know you, and you know me.
I summoned you...
I summoned you and you're here!
From the dust of
centuries past, yes Lauren.
Be careful what you wish for.
Where's Adam, what did you do to him?
Is he your lover?
Does he satisfy you, Ashley?
Does he make you writhe with pleasure?
Where is he?
I need him, I need his flesh.
- You bitch!
- No, no, no, no, no!
Don't touch her, don't touch her!
Very wise.
Lauren knows who I am, and what I can do.
Please, just please
give him to me, please.
- Would you like to see Adam?
- Yes!
Are you sure?
Yes!
Adam!
There's someone here to see you.
Adam has a new friend now.
Adam, show Ashley your friend.
What did you do to them?
Oh shit, this isn't good.
Oh shit, this isn't good.
They have a purpose now,
to serve me, forever.
Now, I shall give you a purpose.
Let's go, let's go, let's
go, let's go, let's go!
No, Ashley, let's go!
Come on, come on, let's go!
Come on!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Go, go, go, go!
Faster!
Ashley?
Ashley, are you okay?
You just killed him,
you just killed him,
you just killed Adam.
You're a murderer, you just killed him!
Ashley, that wasn't Adam.
I couldn't help it, Ashley.
He was gonna kill us,
that wasn't Adam anymore.
Just let me out of this car...
No, no, no, no, no.
Jan is back there with
that crazy witch bitch.
Do you really wanna go back there?
Oh my God, oh my God.
Ashley.
Ashley?
Ash?
Ashley?
Ashley, hey.
Ash, Ashley?
Ashley, are you okay?
You failed!
I gave you the power, my power,
the power of our Dark Lord,
and you let them escape!
You must be punished!
I summon you, Dark Prince.
Come forth and take this pitiful flesh
and mold it into your image.
Use this as your vessel, for evil!
Give me that remote.
Hey, I was watching that.
Well, I think it's gross.
Don't you have something
decent we can watch?
Define decent.
Decent, a movie that
doesn't make me gag.
Okay, so that rules out my
Lucio Fulci collection, um...
Don't you have any
Sandra Bullock movies?
No!
Reese Witherspoon?
No!
Taylor Swift?
Never say that name in this house!
Now you're just useless to me.
Well, I have wine.
Go on.
Carlo Rossi, Arbor Mist, Yellow tail.
A couple of four-packs
of the Sutter Home, hmm?
Now you're being useful, go fetch!
Yes, ma'am.
Aren't you gonna answer that?
It doesn't look very important.
Lauren?
Who is this...
Who exactly is this Lauren person?
She's a very, very distant friend.
Well, you should talk to her.
She's actually kind of a pest.
Then you should definitely talk to her.
I wanna know what's going
on with you and this "pest."
Hello, Lauren.
Look, no, no.
This is really not a good time right now.
What did she say?
Apparently she's
being chased by a witch,
her friends Jan and Adam
have been turned into demons,
and she wants to come here.
Is she always like this?
Under no circumstances
should you come here,
do not come here!
Listen, make sure you
understand what I'm say...
What'd she say?
She's on the way.
I got news for you, she's here.
Oh God, not good.
Your little crack whore
is having a really, really bad trip.
You need to go talk her down.
Yeah, I definitely want
to know what she's smoking,
'cause maybe she has a little extra.
Claude!
Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go.
Oh, Lauren.
Okay, Claude,
you seriously have no idea
what I've been through today.
Well, I think you said
you were chased by witches and demons.
Just that, right?
No Draculas, no trolls,
everybody loves trolls.
Okay, so you don't believe me then?
Oh no, no, Jessie and I, we believe you.
I'm staying out of this shit.
She's after me, Claude.
Car mill a Karnstein is after me.
Okay.
And who is Car mill a Karnstein?
The 300 year old witch, Claude.
Let's get with the program, okay?
I need a place to hide.
Uh, didn't you say your
friend Ashley was with you?
Oh my God.
Ashley, I forgot about Ashley.
You have to help me.
You have to help me go get her.
You mean Ashley can't
walk up here by herself?
Did she have a little too much
of that.
Yeah, real funny Claude, real funny.
Adam spewed all kinds of
demon goo all over her,
and she passed out.
Isn't Adam her boyfriend?
Uh, was her boyfriend.
Uh, now he's some kind
of demon fiend from hell.
He's a Republican?
Oh my God.
Claude, just help me go get her.
Come on, let's go.
Okay.
Do you see her?
'Cause I sure the fuck don't.
Honestly.
Where is she?
Bitch aint out here.
Any luck finding that bitch?
If you ask me, this is
a fucking waste of time.
Oh, what the fuck?!
Hey, wait for me!
Oh my God.
What the fuck was that?
Dude, that was Angela.
Are all your friends fucking demons?
It's starting to look that way.
Listen, we need help.
Do you know how to fight a demon?
I was just getting ready to relax
for a quiet night at home.
I was gonna pop a bottle of Chablis.
I don't, I didn't want to fight demons.
Wine?
You have wine?
Yeah, but is this the time
to be talking about wine?
Yes, this is the time for wine.
I just watched my friend chew your friend.
I want to get very, very drunk.
Okay.
It's in the kitchen.
Perfect.
Okay, so I need a little recap
about this little shit
storm we got goin' on here.
Can you take it from the top for me?
Alright, so this whole
thing is kind of my fault.
I summoned a 300 year old
witch on an Ouija board,
but not just any witch.
I mean the ultimate, badass witch bitch.
Okay, so you summoned her,
now you need to un-summon her.
Okay, like make it...
So listen, have you ever
seen Debbie Does Demons?
Is that some kind of porno?
No, it's a late night
cable show with Debbie,
she's a paranormal expert.
She covers ghosts and ghouls and goblins
and sectors and spooks
and hates and haunts
and zombies and the
paranormal and all that.
Anyway, I bet she would know what to do.
Okay, well how do we get a hold of her?
Uh, so the T.V. Station
WDFTV I'll just Google it.
Okay, alright.
Okay, okay.
Is it ringing?
Tell her, tell her to bring, like, an ax.
Oh, tell her to bring a chainsaw.
Okay, now it's ringing.
You got WDFTV, what do you want?
Hello?
Okay, my house has been
invaded by witches and demons,
I need to talk to Debbie.
So you're saying you got
a real life spook house?
Sounds like a good place
for our next episode.
Yes, absolutely, can you
send Debbie over right now?
I gotta run all this by Debbie first,
why don't you call me back tomorrow.
Okay, but that might be too late.
Where is Debbie right now?
Home I guess, I'm not her babysitter.
How do I even know you're legit?
She's got some crazy fuckin' fans.
But there's a demon outside of my house,
it just ate my friend's date.
No shit.
Like I said, I gotta run this by Debbie.
You just tell your little
demon friend to hold tight.
So what did he say?
Can we talk to Debbie?
Hell yeah.
And I know exactly how we're gonna do it.
It's me again, Debbie,
your favorite ghoul friend.
And tonight, I've got a report for you
on a super spooky place,
that makes Amityville look
like Pee-wee's Fun House.
That's right, a group of top
paranormal ghost whackers
spent a night in this moldy mansion,
and came to a unanimous verdict.
This crib is straight up haunted, peeps.
Need more proof?
Take a look at this.
Welcome to the Church of Hallowed Holes.
Please come inside.
I don't know about you,
but if that pesky ghost
lays a finger on this girl,
it's gonna be on the receiving end
of a major ghost spanking.
That's all for tonight,
come see me next week
on your favorite late night
spook show, Debbie Does Demons.
Goodnight.
And cut.
Good job, Debbie.
I don't know how you do it every week.
It's called talent, Eddie.
Something that you know nothing about.
Well, you know, now that we're done,
I was thinking there's
this place down the street,
they got these big, huge, thick, juicy,
greasy Italian sausage and peppers.
And I was thinking, you know...
That you want me to
watch you stuff your face?
Mm, tempting, but I think I'll pass.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, there was this chick
that called earlier,
something about demons, or witches,
or whatever in her house.
I thought it might be
good for the next show.
You wanna check it out?
Here's a better idea, how
about you go check it out
and if you see anything
spooky, take a couple selfies,
and maybe I'll put you
on next week's show.
Bye.
Who the fuck are you?
Hi, Debbie.
I'm Lauren, and this is Claude.
Hi.
We left a message for you earlier.
Was the message anything
about you breaking into my car?
We left a message about the witches.
And demons.
So naturally, we need your help.
Oh, naturally.
I mean, you're like an
expert on all this stuff right?
Ghouls, zombies, poltergeists.
Wait, let me get this straight.
You said there was a witch in your house?
Yeah.
Not like an actual, like,
pointy nose, broomstick witch,
but, like, definitely a witch.
And, how do you know she's a witch?
Well, she turned all of
Lauren's friends into trolls.
Demons, Claude.
She turned them into demons.
Demons, trolls,
aren't they basically the same thing?
No, definitely not...
Well, I don't know, are they Debbie?
No, absolutely right,
a troll and a demon are
definitely not the same thing.
Wow, see?
I told you, Debbie really is an expert.
Look, I say all
this stuff on television,
but witches aren't real.
I'm sure this is just some old hag,
who's trying to make you
believe that she's a witch.
No, no, no.
Listen, you would not say
that if you saw her, okay?
The witch that's in my house,
is the same witch that you
did an episode on last week.
Do you remember the episode
of Car mill a Karnstein?
That's her, that's who's in my house.
Okay, if you really watched that show,
you would know that Car mill a
Karnstein lived 300 years ago.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Uh, but I used a Ouija board.
Okay, look.
I don't believe you,
but assuming that you're
telling the truth,
and assuming that you
brought this witch back
with a Ouija board,
there should be a very
easy way to send her back.
How?!
Destroy the Ouija board, of course.
There has to be some sort
of ectoplasmic connection
between the board and the witch.
So, destroy the board, witch goes bye bye.
There's just one problem.
And I'm sure you're
gonna tell me what it is.
So, the Ouija board is back at my house,
and Car mill a is also there.
And if I step foot in that place,
she's gonna turn me into a demon.
Or a troll.
What's your hangup with trolls?
Well, I mean...
Look, if you turn into a troll
it would be a lot better than a demon.
What's the worst that can
happen if you turn into a troll?
Like, your gonna keep me
from crossing a bridge or something?
Okay well, if we don't stop Car mill a,
she's gonna turn you into a troll.
Is that what you want?
Well I mean, what about a gremlin?
Maybe I'd be cool with being a gremlin?
I really don't think she's gonna
give you a choice, Claude.
No?
No.
Look, I don't believe a
word that you two are saying,
but how about this.
You go back to your house,
grab the Ouija board,
and I'll set in on fire on live T.V.
How's that?
Well, since you don't
believe in witches, um,
can you come back to the house with me?
Absolutely not.
She's afraid of trolls.
Fuck.
Where the fuck is that
goddamn Ouija board?
Goddamn it.
Seriously?
What the fuck?
Yeah, that's not it.
What the fuck?
Seriously?
Looking for this?
Give it to me.
You should be pleased.
You summoned me and I came.
That was a mistake.
You don't belong here.
This is not your time,
you have to go back.
To the age of the witchfinders?
You'd do that to me,
your own flesh and blood?
Look, I shouldn't have summoned you,
all of my friends are demons now.
Is that your plan for me?
I could never harm you.
My blood is your blood.
We're different than the others.
Better.
All the world can burn, while
you and I reign supreme.
No, I will not be a part
of something like that.
Come to Wormwood
Cemetery and then decide.
I shall raise the dead
to build our demon army.
Then together, we'll rule
a new age of Hell on Earth.
I don't think so.
I...
No...
I don't like this, she's
taking too long in there.
I'm sure she's fine.
Oh look, here she is.
Lauren, are you okay?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Did you get the Ouija board?
No, it wasn't there.
What about the witch?
Car mill a was gone too.
I might've guessed.
But she has a message for us.
The witch left a message?
What did she say?
She said that she wants us to meet her
at Wormwood Cemetery tonight.
She has a special surprise for all of us.
Well, run me back to the station,
I want to grab my camera man for this.
Lauren, would it be
okay if I just, sort of,
sit this one out?
No, no, no, Claude.
You have to be there.
And you too, Debbie.
After tonight, you guys are
gonna be seeing the world
in a completely different way.
Hello?
Is anyone here?
I've got some great news to share.
Hello?
Can I help you?
I'm sorry, the door was open.
I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
I'd like to talk about God's plan for you.
I have a better idea.
Why don't we talk about my plan for you?
What are you doing?!
Can you feel it?
Your blood is getting warmer.
It's starting to boil!
Stop it!
Another soul for our Dark Lord.
Delicious.
Does my lip gloss look okay?
Uh, it's fine.
Okay, let's get this show rollin'.
Alright, this is Debbie
Does Demons, take one.
And, action.
Hello again, ghost whackers.
It's your favorite
graveyard tramp, Debbie,
and do I have a show for you.
I'm here at the super
creepy Wormwood Cemetery,
for a special all-witch
episode of Debbie Does Demons.
Remember Car mill a Karnstein?
The super slutty sorceress
that I told you all about last week?
Well, I have it on good authority,
that's she's making a very
special appearance tonight,
right here.
And I also hear that the old
girl is still pretty hot,
even though she's 300 years old.
Why don't we talk to a
couple of her friends,
Lauren and Claude, and get the dish.
Hey guys.
So, you're both claiming that
Carmilla's a straight up witch
and has amazing witchy powers?
Is that right?
That's right, Debbie.
Car mill a is actually one
of my great ancestors.
And 300 years ago, she was
captured by a witchfinder
and sentenced to be burned alive.
But she escaped.
And tonight, she is going to
show everyone her true power.
And, uh, exactly what
is Car mill a going to do?
Ask her yourself!
Oh my God.
Not good, not good.
Excuse me,
are you actually Car mill a Karnstein?
The legendary witch?
I have a message for all mankind.
I am Car mill a, your new queen.
After tonight, every living
creature that draws breath
shall bow before me.
And ruling by my side, this
one, who shares my blood.
Every queen needs an
army, and so it shall be,
all weak mortals shall
serve as my demon slave.
My army of the damned.
Car mill a, that sounds like
a really interesting idea,
but how do you plan on turning
average Joe's like
Claude here into demons?
Debbie, you're not helping!
Excellent question.
Let me show you.
Come to me.
I'd rather not.
I said come before me.
Let's go.
On your knees, scum!
I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees.
Look at me!
Look!
Arise and worship me.
Uh, hey guys, can someone
tell me what's going on here?
Things are getting a little freaky.
Do you see that woman?
She's yours, feed on her.
Now wait just a minute,
nobody's touching me.
This is my show, and
the number one rule is,
nobody eats the star!
Do you want me to keep filming?
No you idiot, I want you to help me.
Fuck that, I'm out of here.
I don't get paid enough for this.
I'm sending you back to
Hell, you motherfucker.
Stay away from me!
Foolish girl.
Join us, Debbie.
Share in our power.
No thank you.
Being a demon lady is
not my idea of living.
Do I look like a demon to you?
You look like a bitch.
I wish I knew where that Ouija board was.
You mean this?
I don't suppose I could
borrow that for a second?
That's not going to happen, Debbie.
Car mill a is here to stay, but
I can't say the same for you.
Snap out of it, Lauren.
You're under her spell,
you're not her slave!
Destroy that Ouija board.
Lauren's not gonna
listen to you, Debbie.
Lauren is mine.
No you're not, Lauren.
You can break from her spell.
Be strong, think about what
she did to your friends.
Do it for Adam, do it for
Jan, do it for Ashley.
Do it for them, destroy
that fucking board!
Jan,
Ashley...
Kill her, Lauren, I command you!
Ashley!
Kill her!
Debbie, dude.
I knew you could do it, and you did it.
I knew you could.
I was so scared, oh my God.
She is gone now, we don't
have to worry anymore.
Your plan, it worked.
She's back in her own time.
Oh, thank God.
But Lauren, just promise me one thing.
Anything.
Don't ever fuck with an
Ouija board ever again.
No problem.
Car mill a Karnstein.
Car mill a Karnstein.
Babe, are you okay?
Steve?
You summoned me, Steve.
You deserve a reward.
It's so good to be back.
It's me again, Debbie,
your favorite ghoul friend.
Take a look at this.
Turn the camera on.
Greetings fellow perverts.
My name is Newt Wallen, award
winning adult film star,
director, writer, producer,
all around artist.
In the realm of erotic, I'm quite famous.
At this very site, 40
years ago to the night,
my father, who also
was a purveyor of porn,
brought four young
wannabe 80's starlets here
to read from an ancient book
he received from a cultist,
after a long night of
coke and 80's, 80's-ness.
When he read from that book,
a great fire broke out.
And it was on that
night, at this very spot,
40 years ago to the night,
that my father and those poor
four adult film actresses,
in an attempt to conjure up
a demon by using dark magic
to have sex with, and make
dirty film picture history,
burned alive.
And now, we have returned
to that very spot
to once again try and
reach the other side.
And fuck it on camera.
Did it work?
The ritual is complete.
That it?
Now what?
Shit, there's something in here with us.
It worked.
I'm a little discouraged
you're surprised by that.
What?
Well fuck-a-doodle-doo.
Primitive flesh stain,
why have you summoned me from the pit?
Ah, well then.
Prepare your filthy soul for
pleasure beyond the realm
of what your fragile
monkey brain can fathom.
Touch the darkness, sub-creature.
My dick!
What did you do to my dick?!
That's all for tonight.
Come see me next week
on your favorite late night
spook show, Debbie Does Demons.
Goodnight.