Decoys 2: Alien Seduction (2007) Movie Script
- What the hell?
- Oh, it's hurting my eyes.
Everything all right here?
Yeah, we're fine.
How about you, miss? Everything all right?
No one forcing you to do
anything against your will?
No, Officer.
No one's forcing me to do
anything I don't want to do.
Well, all right then.
- We have to ask. You understand?
- I understand.
Hey, she's the one forcing me.
Well, you have a nice evening now.
Stay warm.
He likes me.
You better be nice or I'll have him book you.
- On what charge?
- For being a hard-ass.
Aren't you gonna do up the window?
It's cold in here.
I think it's hot.
Who are you?
Evolution is the cornerstone
of modern biology.
Species can be arranged
on an evolutionary ladder
from bacteria and lower animals,
to higher animals
and finally up to man.
But it's not really that simple,
because nature is full of mistakes.
Any class at 8:00 in the morning
is a huge mistake.
And what if today's mistake is
tomorrow's new dominant species?
Just because humans
are at the top of the ladder today
does not mean that we can't just be
pushed aside by a superior species.
Yes? Question?
If a higher species is threatened
with extinction, are they doomed?
Or can they survive by adapting?
If mankind was threatened by
a reduced gene pool, less genes,
less reproductive diversity,
what adaptive measures could we take
to ensure our survival?
We could mate a lot more.
In evolutionary terms,
quantity is no substitute for quality.
Ladies and gentlemen, our time is up.
We have exams next week
as all of you know,
but don't despair.
I have prevailed upon one of
my most brilliant grad students,
Luke Callahan, to leave the lab temporarily
and make himself available 24/7
for the rest of this week
to help any of you out that needs it.
24/7 is a figure of speech.
You call me after midnight
and you're gonna need some serious
adaptive survival strategies.
I have never seen him before.
He's way too gorgeous to be a grad student.
- And he's too old for you, Steph.
- Old isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Thanks.
So why didn't you talk to him?
Because I didn't come to college
to flirt with cute TAs.
I came to prepare myself
for life's challenges.
Well, isn't that life's biggest challenge?
I mean, you finding your ideal mate?
That one person that you're destined for?
You're the one who needs a cute TA.
Female, of course.
Yeah, I know. There's no such thing.
But I wouldn't mind
a lonely, well-endowed faculty wife...
No. Never work.
You're not an older woman
kind of guy, Sam.
- And how would you know?
- You need someone our age, and...
- Sexy.
- I was gonna say smart.
- And...
- Uninhibited.
No! Thoughtful. Sensitive.
She wants to jump your bones, Sam.
What're you waiting for?
You don't get it. Steph and I
are just friends, okay?
No such thing.
A guy and a girl can never just be friends.
Sure they can. Steph and I have
been best buds since middle school.
It is theoretically possible to hang out
with a chick and not want to bang her.
There is nothing more important than sex.
That's the whole point of college!
- Getting laid?
- Think about it.
College is the only time in our lives
when we will have such a
large pool of available babes.
Out in the real world our choices will be
limited, but here the odds are in our favor.
The odds?
You guys make it sound like
it's some sort of competition.
- That's not a bad idea.
- Just grow up, Nick.
Sam, think about it.
What do you guys think?
Now that your visions have come back,
how does that make you feel, Luke?
Terrified.
I'm really scared. I thought this was over.
I thought I'd put it all behind me.
That's common after severe trauma.
Can you tell me about them? Your visions?
Yeah, they're beautiful alien
females from another planet
with no bellybuttons.
Go on.
They're trying to reproduce.
They implant alien life forms,
spores maybe,
inside human males to incubate them.
Their gene pool is shrinking,
and they need new mates, homo sapiens,
but during the reproductive act, their
body temperatures drop below freezing
and their partners freeze to death.
And these visions, you...
You still believe they could be true?
Look, these women were a cult.
They were real sickos,
killing the guys they had sex with.
- Were they aliens also?
- No. Of course not. No.
What about the blonde you saw today?
Or thought you saw?
Constance, Connie.
She... Yeah, she was one of them.
From the murders at St. John's College.
She was blonde and very pretty.
I remember I was with my friend
Alex just before the holidays.
Oh, God...
- And...
- Not you, too.
...she turned into one of them.
- And then what happened?
- And then I woke up in the hospital.
And they brought in the shrink.
Why? Why is this happening to me?
Why can't I just get on with my life?
I'm afraid your visions are
part of a much deeper malaise, Luke.
Look.
I'm gonna give you something
to help you relax.
Okay?
Now...
- These will help stop the visions.
- Thank you,
Dr. Geisner.
- A competition? You're kidding.
- No! No kidding.
- This is real.
- We have very strict criteria.
Check this out.
There's a handicapping system.
Every girl on campus gets a ranking.
Mega bonus points if you score
with a dime, a perfect 10.
Look, I hate to tell you guys this, but
women might just find this offensive.
I mean, being categorized and handicapped.
They won't know if we don't tell 'em.
If you guys think that I'm gonna participate
in this juvenile...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! You got to.
There's only 2 exceptions.
- One, is if you're gay...
- It's way too easy to score if you're gay.
Or have a steady girlfriend.
Then you got no choice, hombre.
This is exam week
when everyone goes home.
But most people are sticking
around for the party first.
The mother of all parties.
More hotties in one place
than anyone has ever seen.
Last chance to rack up points.
And may the best man win.
Is there a problem, Officer?
This is a 25-mile-an-hour zone.
You were going over 40.
Oh, my...
That is fast, isn't it?
I'm... I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
write you up a citation.
Oh, Officer. Do you have to?
Can I have your license, please?
This'll just take a moment.
Miss, you can't do that.
Civilians are not allowed in.
Officer, I'm a new transfer at the college
and I just can't afford a ticket right now.
You can go to traffic school.
The truth is I just don't
want it on my record.
There must be
some
other
way
we can settle this?
I'm... I'm afraid that I'm...
You're gonna run down the battery.
My baby's never let me down before.
Yeah, well, Nick, do I really need to stress
how important it is
we get your baby going here?
I mean, this party we're going to
has a higher ratio of girls to guys
than any other place in town. This is like...
Hank? You okay?
What the... He's frozen stiff.
What the hell happened here?
Holy mackinaw!
Oh, boys, 9 o'clock.
- You see the way she smiled at me?
- No, she was smiling at me.
Children, children, please.
She was obviously checking me, so...
- Dream on, Henry.
- She was.
Right.
Phone numbers are a waste of time.
If she won't get with you tonight,
cut your losses and move on.
Game on, boys.
What are you doing?
Collecting data for my sociology class.
How long it takes after a girl walks in here
before a guy buys her a drink.
Can I get you a drink?
That took me 17 seconds.
That's sweet. But you don't
really want to buy me a drink.
You want to have sex.
Well, I'd probably say yes, but...
I don't think my girlfriend would approve.
You know the problem with places like this?
- There's a problem?
- Well, it's a meat market.
I mean, everyone's a commodity.
And it's all about scoring.
There's no room left for just being a person.
- You really think so?
- Yes.
Then why are you staring at my nipples?
Guys are all the same.
Talk about feelings and all
you want to do is cop a feel.
- That's not true. I'm not like that.
- Uh-huh.
Take a good look 'cause
it's the closest you're ever gonna get.
Constance!
- That's not my name.
- I'm sorry.
I... You looked just like someone
I used to know and... I thought...
You're my Biology TA, right?
Luke Callahan?
I'm Stephanie Baxter.
- I'm really sorry.
- Yeah.
- Did I scare you?
- No, no.
Well, yeah, maybe a little.
I was just heading back to the dorm.
- Would you walk me there?
- Well, yeah. Yeah. Of course, yeah.
- Sure.
- Okay.
So, this woman I reminded you of,
Constance, is she a good friend?
She was a friend of my old roommate.
He liked her a lot, but...
But what?
She did things to him.
What do you mean?
- Well?
- Mine got overly excited.
Then his vital functions ceased.
Mine was a police officer.
And I thought he was in decent shape.
I'm... I'm afraid that I'm...
But he didn't survive the temperature drop.
What about the bodies?
Did you dispose of them?
We can't have
any distractions from the police.
We gotta hide those bodies.
Look, Luke Callahan is the only one
that survived. I'm watching him.
- What is different about him?
- Yeah, he seems really sensitive.
Well, that's why he survived,
'cause their body temperatures
need to drop slowly.
- And sensitive guys...
- He was in love.
So there's more romance, more foreplay.
There's a cold snap coming.
Make sure you do it outside.
And draw it out.
We have to keep them alive
as long as possible.
How do we do that?
These human males seem so eager.
Just use your imagination.
- Keep it down, would you?
- Oh, I couldn't keep it down.
You should've seen her, she was amazing.
And she had a friend.
You getting all this, Henry?
I'm gonna need date, time, place,
some form of corroboration.
Corroboration?
- Every score needs to be documented.
- Hey...
You need hard evidence or a photo,
or an eyewitness account...
- That's a lot of crap.
- No, Nick. It isn't.
And I've come up with the perfect way
to document scores. Cellphone.
Most shoot video.
Put my PC on speed dial, and voil!
- Instant evidence.
- Hi, Mom!
- You want to be my hat trick tonight, Peter?
- Oh yeah, sure. Get out!
- Go to bed!
- You're gonna spill Henry's beer.
Are those good?
Can I try one?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Not too fast now. Nice and slow.
That's how I like it.
It's really cold...
Not your breasts, just outside.
Let's do it here, in the snow.
It's a record low tonight.
- Let's make some heat.
- Oh, God, this is just like my fantasy.
Only colder.
There's something I really,
really need to tell you.
- I'm a...
- Not now.
I'm a virgin!
- Sorry. I gotta go.
- Hey!
Idiot. Idiot.
Come in.
- Excuse me. Are you Professor Buckton?
- Yes, I am.
What can I do for you?
I'm Dr. Constance Snowdon.
I've been assigned to
Student Health Services this term.
You supervise a grad student
named Luke Callahan, right?
Yes. He's one of the best students
I've had in a long time.
Does he ever behave unusually?
Well, he's very dedicated,
which is unusual these days,
even for a grad student.
He's very interested in anatomy, particularly
unorthodox evolutionary variations.
Well, I came here to tell you that
Luke Callahan experienced a
psychotic episode a few years ago.
Really?
It's probably nothing
for you to be concerned about,
but I'd appreciate you letting me know
if ever he behaves abnormally.
"Abnormally?"
Well, how exactly would you
define that, Dr. Snowdon?
Paranoid delusions.
Usually having to do with
aliens from outer space,
that sort of thing.
Luke has always seemed
very well-balanced to me.
He's intense, but he's very sensible.
He's very good at compensating
for his problems.
I'd appreciate if you
kept this conversation
just between you and I.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Have a good day.
Hey! What's this I hear
about a secret contest?
- Contest? Like what contest?
- Oh.
Oh, I guess it's probably just a rumor. Yeah.
Oh! Hey! What's that?
Look! Sweet!
This is like handicapping horses
on the racing form, right?
No. Horse race is like 2 minutes,
this is like a 5-day type of thing.
You have got to let me play. Please.
I'll buy you all a case of brewskies.
I'll buy you all Mexican.
Come on! I mean, Sam, tell 'em.
- Tell them my word is gold.
- Forget it, Steiner.
Sam. We went to middle school together.
Okay.
If Arnold says he's buying brewskies
or if he's buying Mexican, he's good for it.
All right, how about brewskies and Mexican?
- Done.
- Times 3
- All right. Times 3
- Phenomenal!
All right. Just don't go shooting
your mouth off about this.
- If the girls find out, we're toast.
- I won't tell a soul.
You got Arnie's word on that, bro.
Evan, you're next. Let him through.
Boys, what's up?
This is just to cover
overhead administrative costs.
See, none of these chicks do it for me, man.
- I like mine with, you know, black leather...
- God...
- Chains, studs, dog collars...
- Yeah, good luck finding her.
Don't need to. She's gonna find me.
See, I was doing some Googling.
Turns out females are attracted by smells.
They're drawn to males
with strong olfactory pheromone attractors.
Olfactory phero what?
Check this out. Bought it off the Internet.
Synthetic bull musk, 95% pure.
Thank you, North Korea.
- Oh, that's it. Right there.
- Stop.
All right. Watch this.
I see you're reading Shakespeare.
I love Shakespeare.
He understands the heart.
- So which play are you reading?
- Titus Andronicus.
Oh, yeah. Titus Androna touch me.
What's that about again?
A Roman general whose daughter
has 2 guys in love with her.
So you're a romantic, too?
- Which one does she chose?
- Neither.
They rape her and torture her,
but Daddy finds out and whacks them,
and chops them into little pieces
and cooks them into a pie and serves
them to their mother for dinner.
Dinner? I bet you want to grab a burger?
I'm a non-lactose vegan.
I'd rather die than do it with a meat-eater.
And you stink. Must be the burgers.
You like that, huh? You want
some more of that? How about this?
Excuse me.
- Do you know anything about cars?
- Cars?
Yeah...
- Mine won't start. I think I flooded it.
- Oh...
So will you come and check it out for me?
- Please?
- Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Oh, wait! Can you wait one second?
Just one second.
I gotta grab something real quick.
Just one second. I'll just be one second.
Yes, Stein'll be back, baby, yeah...
Hey! Give me your cellphone.
I left mine at the dorm.
But she's not your type. I mean, she's got
no black leather, she's got no studs...
Dude, I think she'll be just fine.
Can you give me your cellphone?
I could swear I've seen her before.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, baby, Steiner's back.
Let's do this. Yeah...
Jesus.
Steiner's not hurt, baby.
No, no, that didn't hurt.
Looks like Arnold got lucky.
- Yeah, it looks like it.
- Why'd you give him your cellphone?
He... He needed to
call his parents back. So...
Yeah, you are a really bad liar.
What are you guys up to?
Look, I gotta get back to my dorm room,
'cause I got a killer exam tomorrow...
So I'll talk to you later.
This is so sweet of you.
- I'm Jasmine, by the way.
- Steiner. Arnold Steiner.
You live around here?
Well, I just moved here.
Actually, I just transferred
from my junior college.
Oh, yeah?
- You have a major?
- Of course, I do. Party till you drop.
My car's just over there, through the park.
- We'll just have to cut through there.
- Sure. I'll follow you.
Actually, I lied. I don't even have a car.
- I just like the way you look.
- You like the way I look?
Not so fast now.
Slow and easy.
- Slow and easy?
- Uh-huh.
- Now, take off your jacket.
- Huh?
I want to see what you look like.
- What are you doing?
- Just turning my cellphone off.
Don't want us to be interrupted. Yeah.
All right. Now, where were we?
Open. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Someone needs a little discipline.
Time to punish you.
- How did you do that?
- What?
- Don't you like what you see?
- I like it. I like it...
- Aren't you cold?
- A little.
- But it excites me.
- Oh...
Whoa!
It's kind of cold.
Yeah, well, you've been a bad boy, Arnold.
And you're just gonna have to
stay out here in the cold and freeze.
No. No...
Arnold.
Hang on, buddy. I'm coming.
- Oh, good. You're still alive.
- Arnold!
Arnie, where are you, buddy? Arnold!
Sam, I can't breathe so good.
- You're gonna be okay. All right?
- No...
Not okay...
I'm gonna get you to a doctor.
Can you walk?
I don't think so.
Head feels funny.
Where's my cellphone?
I've been a bad boy, Sam.
- Okay, forget the cellphone.
- I've been a bad boy, Sam.
I'm gonna get us some wheels, all right?
I'll be back. I promise. I promise you.
911. What is your emergency?
- Yes, this is a medical emergency.
- What is your location, sir?
- In the park on campus.
- Please calm down, sir.
- What is the nature of your emergency?
- Look. Something's happened to my friend.
- Is he conscious, sir? Are you there, sir?
- Thanks.
Hey!
Hey!
Look. Something's happened to my friend.
I need to get him to a hospital.
- Where?
- Come on!
Come.
He's here. Arnold!
Arnold!
Arnold!
Dialing 911 for no reason
is a serious offense.
What?
It wasn't for no reason.
Look, something happened to Arnold.
- What do you think happened to him?
- I don't know.
Well, it's pretty obvious. He took off.
No, but he wouldn't have left
without my cellphone.
- I'm gonna let you off with a warning.
- But...
If I see you back here, you're
gonna get charged. Understand?
Yes, sir.
But it excites me.
How does a major dweeb like Arnold
get with a total hottie like that?
Love is a mystery, my friend.
That's not just love.
Yeah, that's... That's much better.
Yeah, that's full-on lust.
- It must've been the spray.
- Oh, what spray?
Looks like Arnold's pretty cold.
Looks like the temperature's dropping fast.
- Now, what the hell is that?
- It looks like some kind of snake.
- But that doesn't make any sense.
- That's what it looks like.
Now, the temperature drop,
could it have caused this?
I mean, maybe.
I mean, these things aren't made to survive
subzero temperatures outside, so...
Let's see that again.
But it excites me.
Arnold had a thing for chicks
in black leather and studs.
I mean, what's the chances
of finding your dream squeeze?
Astronomical.
Really astronomical.
Hey, Arnold. It's me, Sam.
Yeah, just give me a call when you get in.
All right, bro.
Nick's gonna win this thing
if you don't get in the game.
- What are you talking about?
- Look. My money's on you.
You just gotta get your first one
to break the ice.
- Well, do you have any suggestions?
- Stephanie.
- She's got the hots for you, man.
- No, she doesn't.
- Dude, open your eyes.
- We're just friends.
You're the only one who says that.
She never does. Why is that?
Luke?
- How long you been in here?
- Just a few hours. Maybe a little more.
You ought to take a break.
Stretch the limbs a little bit.
Go get something to eat.
Maybe find a little companionship.
You know, we...
We study the origin of life,
but we also have to live it.
Yeah.
I should really finish this.
What is this?
Oh, yeah...
- A few sketches that I was working on.
- What on earth is this?
It's something that's not from Earth.
It's the female of an alien species.
And these are?
The sexual organs.
They're kept inside till the
beginning of the reproductive act.
You know, there's a tremendous
amount of detail here.
I'm curious, what inspired you
to create something like this?
I saw her. No, no... I didn't create it.
I saw her.
- Are you serious?
- No.
No, of course not.
Go have some fun.
That's what guys your age
are supposed to do.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm fine. It's really...
Wonderful musculature.
- Can I take a couple of these?
- Yeah. Sure.
Are you all right?
I'm not sure.
Where does it hurt?
- I...
- If it hurts, I could rub something.
But not in here. They hate it
when you talk in the library.
I know a place we can go where we can
make as much noise as we want.
Pretty cool, huh?
- Now, what were you going to rub exactly?
- Where does it ache?
I wonder what you're thinking about.
- How did you know?
- Like my outfit?
Want me to play teacher?
- You're gonna freeze like that.
- No, I'm still warm from the workout.
Hey, you know who I saw the other night?
Luke, the Biology TA.
- The one whose children you want to bear?
- Yeah, that's right.
But it was weird though.
He thought I was someone else.
- And then he told me this bizarre story.
- Yeah, I'm sure he has the hots for you.
About some girls at his undergrad college
who murdered guys
after having sex with them.
Oh, that's bizarre.
But the really bizarre part was
he had a vision that they were from
another planet where it was real cold.
So they were allergic to heat.
And I swear to God,
I think he believed it.
But you want to hear
something really crazy?
Yeah.
I'm thinking of changing
the color of my hair.
Would you like me as a blonde?
- I'm putting my phone on vibrate.
- Oh.
You're so hot. So hot!
That machine! What is that?
It's a heater so the players don't freeze.
- It's too hot!
- Hey! Are you okay?
No!
Hey!
At least give me your phone number!
- Do you want me?
- Oh, like I could ever say no.
Doctor Smith, Room 42.
Doctor Smith, Room 42.
Look. I'll call you later. Bye.
- I need to see Dr. Geisner.
- Let me check and see if she's on call.
- Sorry. She's not available tonight.
- Uh-oh. Back up.
She's here tomorrow.
I can give you her voice mail
if you'd care to leave a message.
I've already left her 3
- What's he doing here?
- He needs to see his doctor.
He's been having some problems sleeping.
- You have no idea where she is?
- No, sir.
- Can I...
- No, he's dangerous.
- Why?
- 'Cause he knows about us.
And nobody believes him.
And we have to keep it that way.
Pity.
Tell her that Luke Callahan came by.
Tell her...
Tell her the medication isn't working.
Guys, I never told you this before,
but I have this thing
for girls in schoolgirl uniforms.
- Isn't that illegal?
- It's just a fantasy.
It's pretty common really.
Early childhood development thing...
Anyway, like what happened with Arnold,
this chick turned into my fantasy.
- How did she do that?
- I told you, it all happened kind of fast.
The propane heater came on
and she freaked.
It was like she was allergic to heat.
What did you say?
Sam?
I tried calling your cell,
but you didn't pick up.
- So tell me what Luke said. The whole thing.
- This is crazy.
Do you know how crazy this is?
Arnold disappeared into thin air.
Okay, that's crazy.
He's probably really embarrassed.
The girl he was with ran off on him.
Yeah, but I called his parents. They said
that they haven't even heard from him.
It's just not like him.
Luke's not here. Let's go.
What are you doing?
Sam? What are you doing?
I just wanna take a look.
Okay. This really is crazy.
Wow! Weird.
He seemed like such a sweet guy, too.
So normal.
You'd never guess he...
It's way too hot in here.
Oh, my God.
That looks like an old-fashioned
TV sci-fi monster.
- Dr. Snowdon, I didn't hear you come in.
- You looked engrossed.
- I didn't want to disturb you.
- No, you're not disturbing me.
I saw that your light was on
and I was wondering if you...
- That looks a lot like me.
- Yes.
- Did you get that from...
- Luke Callahan.
He told me that he
actually saw one of these.
I think he's under a lot of stress.
Well, speaking of stress relief...
Is it true, Professor Buckton,
that there's always something to drink
in these old faculty offices?
Well... I'm sure I could dig up some
rare old cognac to share with a colleague.
That'd be nice.
It does look a lot like you.
Very detailed work.
It's a complete delusion, of course,
but the skeletal detail is very plausible.
Anatomically I find it quite interesting.
And, Professor,
do you find my anatomy quite interesting?
...shelters for the homeless.
And on campus this morning,
Arnold Steiner, a Psychology major,
was reported missing
after he failed to meet his
friends for a midnight snack.
His shoes, shirt and socks were all found
frozen solid in a park near the library.
Campus police consider it highly unlikely
that anyone would have taken off
their clothes in this 10-below weather
and are treating Steiner's disappearance
as an unusual end-of-term prank.
Apparently, Steiner is well known
to campus police.
And now, let's check with Diana and
find out if this deep freeze will ever let up.
Well, Roger, if you're thinking
of going outside today, don't.
With today's wind chill factor,
exposed skin can freeze...
They're back.
...and frostbite is always a possibility.
So if you must go outside,
keep covered up...
- You missed your last appointment.
- Did I?
- I need to know why.
- Because of this.
Each one of these is a missing student,
except for these which are
unexplained deaths by freezing.
Don't you see? They're back.
When did you stop taking your meds?
They seem to be
congregating around the hospital...
- Luke, you have to take your meds.
- The meds are just distracting me!
They were helping you to think clearly.
I'm here to help you.
But I can't help you get through this
unless you open up to me.
Unless you trust me.
Why do you want me to take them?
To help control the hallucinations.
I'm very concerned about you.
No, you're not. You never have been...
You're...
Now you think I'm one of them.
Luke...
I am not one of them.
They're only in your imagination,
they don't exist.
But I saw them.
Listen to me.
I want you to take one of these,
3 times a day. You hear me?
- 3 times a day.
- I saw them.
- I know they're real...
- Luke.
Promise me.
Doctor Robinson, please
report to Cardiology.
Doctor Robinson to Cardiology.
Mr. Callahan? I need to talk to you.
If this is about the exam, you can
come by my office this afternoon.
It's not about the exam.
It's about the blonde aliens.
- The Decoys?
- Yeah, is that what they're called?
Who are you?
- What do you know about her?
- Whoa!
If this is some kind of prank,
I swear to you...
I think they killed one of my good friends!
That's good.
Oh, I'm sorry. But that's good.
That's good! That means...
That means they're slipping up.
That means we might
actually have a chance this time.
I read the articles about
what happened at St. John's, but
But, I mean, what do these
alien females really want?
They want us.
They're real smart. You think that
you know who they are, but you don't.
You never even suspect.
They've been here for a long time.
They're your best friend, you know.
Your girlfriend.
They'll trick you
into letting your guard down.
And then...
What is it?
"They're only in your head.
They don't exist," huh?
- Guard! Help!
- Luke!
- He's crazy!
- Luke!
- He's dangerous. Keep him away!
- Luke!
Luke!
- Luke!
- No!
- It is you.
- Calm down.
- Hey!
- I saw you burn!
Don't let him throw that on me!
- How many of you are there?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Your species, they can't stand
the heat. Am I right?
- Stop!
- The coffee! Get that out of his hand!
Put the coffee down.
- Get him out of here!
- She's no doctor!
- Are you okay, Dr. Snowdon?
- I am. Thank you, Officer.
- Let me go! Please!
- You know what? You're a nut job.
And you're going down
to county lockup, okay?
Is that really necessary?
I'm afraid so, Doctor.
I have to call in campus police.
Look. Luke Callahan is a patient of mine.
He suffers from paranoid hallucinations.
What he needs right now
is rest and medication.
Now, I'll gladly take full responsibility,
unless, of course, Dr. Snowdon
would like to press charges?
No, that's quite all right, Dr. Geisner.
Just review his medication protocol.
Thanks.
I'm afraid you're not leaving me
a lot of choice, Luke.
She's not a doctor. You all think
she's a doctor, but she's not.
Take off your jacket and roll up your sleeve.
Look, you have to believe me. Ask him!
You know what I'm talking about.
They took one of his friends.
Look. Please.
I don't want any more medication.
Luke, you need to trust me.
Now, please, your jacket.
They're smarter this time, you know.
They're hiding the bodies.
No body, no crime, right?
- You need to rest.
- Rest? No.
We need to stop them.
We gotta find the bodies.
Then people are gonna know.
- Whoa.
- Then...
Calm down. Come on.
Don't trust anyone, man.
It's the ones that you trust...
Party computer's going on location, so
we can update the leader board in real time.
So, Sam, this TA of yours
really thinks alien chicks are
freezing guys they have sex with?
That's only part of it.
That's why they're sticking him
in the funny farm.
You know, if women are aliens,
that would explain a lot of things.
You know, the party doesn't start
for another 20 minutes.
It's never too early to rack up a
quick point. Gotta protect my lead.
But you won't be in the lead
after tonight, man.
Big words, bro, but this
game isn't about words.
It's about numbers. Adios.
Now, if you had a bunch of frozen guys
you didn't want anyone to find,
where would you stash them?
The orderlies tell me
you've been quite the troublemaker.
- Luke, this is for your own good.
- You have to let me out of here.
Please.
If I do, Dr. Snowdon will press charges
for assault.
She isn't a doctor!
- Luke, I need some cooperation here.
- You don't believe a word that I say.
Why should I cooperate with you? Why?
Have it your way.
What are you doing here?
Look. I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
I mean, there are blonde aliens on campus.
And I need your help.
- Gotta play catch-up tonight.
- Good luck.
Hey. No.
Okay. I got an idea.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Come on!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
It's all those meds they gave me
in the Psych Ward. I'm fine.
Oh, hey! Look.
If you look them in the eyes,
they can read your mind.
- They know what you're thinking.
- That's not possible.
No. They can hypnotize you.
So never look them in the eyes.
- Okay. I won't.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
- Okay. Good. Let's go.
Okay. For spotting them,
this is the most important thing.
- Decoys don't have bellybuttons.
- What?
What do you mean they
don't have bellybuttons?
It's the only sure way to tell
them apart from real women.
No bellybuttons. Okay. I got it.
Hey, there.
That's the biggest screen
I've ever seen on a laptop.
Is it true what they say
about guys with big screens?
Huh? What do they say?
They say guys with big screens
have big keyboards.
- Way too hot in here.
- Yeah.
I could hardly breathe. This is better.
- You like the cold?
- I love it.
Do you
want
to...
Now you're gonna turn into my
fantasy and freeze me to death?
No! No!
Hey! You're a freak!
- So, baby, you nice and drunk?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Good. Well, you still better
be able to perform.
My dear, I will be the Hillary to your Everest.
Sounds good.
It's always the ones closest to you.
Check the bellybutton.
Hi!
Hi.
I was looking for you.
Where have you been?
I...
- You did something to your hair.
- Yeah.
- You like it?
- Yeah. I like it.
- But what did you do to it?
- I colored it, silly.
I got tired of mouse brown.
- You really like it?
- Yeah, I like it.
You want to dance?
You know something?
I have always wanted to dance with you,
but I thought you didn't like me.
It is way too hot in here. Come on.
I need to cool off.
That's better.
It was way too stuffy in there.
Don't you think?
Would you dance with me?
- Is she gone?
- Who?
What are you talking about? Come here.
Samster just left with Stephanie.
I think he's about to score.
Yeah. All right.
There goes Nick.
Oh, my God!
Nick's hooking it with another chick.
This guy is amazing.
I've wanted to do that for the longest time.
What in the hell is that?
- Let me see something.
- Oh. Only if you show me something first.
What're you looking for? These?
No. I want... I want to see your stomach!
You've got one!
- Got what?
- A bellybutton.
- We thought you were one of them.
- One of who? Who?
An alien. A Decoy, I mean...
- They don't have bellybuttons.
- What?
- I thought you wanted me, but you're sick!
- Steph, wait!
- Let me go!
- Steph...
Sam! You gotta come see this!
Now! She's doing it to Nick!
- You are so disgusting!
- No, Steph...
- All of you!
- Steph...
No! She's turned into some monster,
with tentacles and stuff!
That's her. The girl who went with Arnold
the night he disappeared.
Oh, my God. So they're real.
Damn! The temperature's dropping.
- We have to find them before she...
- Yeah, come on.
Go.
Come on!
Guys, don't let her get away.
Damn it!
- Where's she going?
- Probably to the hospital.
- We should call the cops.
- Right. Real smart, Peter.
First they arrest us,
then they throw us in padded cells.
No, we gotta hunt them down ourselves
and then destroy 'em.
- No, that's a little extreme.
- No.
What she was doing to Nick,
that was extreme.
Yeah.
- Nick.
- Nick!
- Nick, are you all right?
- Huh?
Stephanie, you do something to your hair?
- Yeah, you like it?
- Yeah, yeah, he loves it.
Nick, listen to me. Are you okay?
- Not bad.
- Dude, what she did to you, that was sick.
What'd it feel like?
Not too bad. Actually it's kind of enjoyable.
We've gotta get all of them.
The problem is they look
exactly like girls. Hot girls.
And it's gonna be really hard
to tell the difference.
It's gonna be hard for you
'cause you're guys.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that you don't think
with your brains,
you think with your hormones.
I won't be so easily fooled. Come on.
She's one. Hey, you!
Come on.
Look out! Look out! Look out! Excuse me!
This sucks!
They must know the other one's
in trouble. They'll go after her.
- To the hospital?
- Yeah.
They're vulnerable to heat.
Yeah, we need something
that puts out industrial strength heat.
Okay. We're going to need
a bunch of empty beer bottles.
Check.
How fast do you think you can get
yours hands on a few cans of hairspray?
Are you kidding? This is a co-ed dorm.
How many do you need?
- A few dozen.
- Not a problem.
This place is enormous.
If they're hiding,
we won't find them for days.
I have a good idea where they are.
There's one place in there no one
ever goes. The old morgue.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
Where's the morgue?
Don't look at me.
I've never been down here before.
I think we should split up.
- Remember not to look them in the eyes.
- Okay.
And don't forget what happened to Arnold.
- Hey, good luck.
- You, too.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
I want you to know,
if something happens that...
Yeah, me, too.
- Guys...
- Yeah.
- Come on!
- Sorry.
- What are you doing?
- Okay.
This place gives me the creeps.
They're close. I can feel it.
- Sam!
- Sam! Sam!
I know you want me.
Wouldn't you rather have this?
Steph, stand back.
This needs a little muscle.
No!
Get away from him or I'll...
Oh, no...
Sam, it's out.
Nice going.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- That was really cool.
- Yeah, thanks.
Come on.
It's just a closet.
Guys!
Please don't.
I'm not like the others.
I like being human.
I wanna stay this way.
Don't you like me like this?
Or do you prefer me
like this?
You don't have to tell your friends.
We can make it a quickie.
Yo! Angie, think you're hot?
We should split up.
- What?
- You guys go that way.
I'm gonna go this way. Be careful.
Why?
- This is a terrible idea.
- What?
- Why does he want to split up?
- It's okay, we'll be fine.
Steph?
The morgue.
Okay. Be careful, okay?
- They're not here. Let's get out of here.
- No. No, I wanna look around.
Sam, there's a body on this gurney.
I thought they didn't
use this place anymore.
Steph!
Sam! Sam!
Steph! Hang on!
The oven.
Come on, baby. Let me out.
I will do whatever you want.
And I can be whoever you want me to be.
Not this time.
Remember Arnold? Well, this is for him!
Luke?
Oh, no...
Dr. Constance, I presume?
I've been looking for you.
- Oh, my God! They're real.
- No shit.
You killed one of my clones.
You survived mating once. Let's try it again.
Give it the old college try.
Are you okay?
- Oh, are we upset?
- Constance!
Oh, man, what's up now?
He's totally going to give you
a run for the top spot.
This is a real relationship.
Bonus points for sex with meaning.
- Sorry, dude. It still doesn't count.
- Unless we get to see it on video.
You guys are so immature.
Actually, their behavior is quite typical
for the average college male.
Be careful.
Oh, shit.
It's okay. It's okay.
That's Professor Buckton.
- I'll get the light.
- Oh, my God.
He's still alive. But his pulse is weak.
Here. Help me get him out of here.
Come on. Help me.
Whoa...
Oh, God!
It's happening again.
They're giving birth to a new species.
Oh, man!
Oh, man!
- Oh, it's hurting my eyes.
Everything all right here?
Yeah, we're fine.
How about you, miss? Everything all right?
No one forcing you to do
anything against your will?
No, Officer.
No one's forcing me to do
anything I don't want to do.
Well, all right then.
- We have to ask. You understand?
- I understand.
Hey, she's the one forcing me.
Well, you have a nice evening now.
Stay warm.
He likes me.
You better be nice or I'll have him book you.
- On what charge?
- For being a hard-ass.
Aren't you gonna do up the window?
It's cold in here.
I think it's hot.
Who are you?
Evolution is the cornerstone
of modern biology.
Species can be arranged
on an evolutionary ladder
from bacteria and lower animals,
to higher animals
and finally up to man.
But it's not really that simple,
because nature is full of mistakes.
Any class at 8:00 in the morning
is a huge mistake.
And what if today's mistake is
tomorrow's new dominant species?
Just because humans
are at the top of the ladder today
does not mean that we can't just be
pushed aside by a superior species.
Yes? Question?
If a higher species is threatened
with extinction, are they doomed?
Or can they survive by adapting?
If mankind was threatened by
a reduced gene pool, less genes,
less reproductive diversity,
what adaptive measures could we take
to ensure our survival?
We could mate a lot more.
In evolutionary terms,
quantity is no substitute for quality.
Ladies and gentlemen, our time is up.
We have exams next week
as all of you know,
but don't despair.
I have prevailed upon one of
my most brilliant grad students,
Luke Callahan, to leave the lab temporarily
and make himself available 24/7
for the rest of this week
to help any of you out that needs it.
24/7 is a figure of speech.
You call me after midnight
and you're gonna need some serious
adaptive survival strategies.
I have never seen him before.
He's way too gorgeous to be a grad student.
- And he's too old for you, Steph.
- Old isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Thanks.
So why didn't you talk to him?
Because I didn't come to college
to flirt with cute TAs.
I came to prepare myself
for life's challenges.
Well, isn't that life's biggest challenge?
I mean, you finding your ideal mate?
That one person that you're destined for?
You're the one who needs a cute TA.
Female, of course.
Yeah, I know. There's no such thing.
But I wouldn't mind
a lonely, well-endowed faculty wife...
No. Never work.
You're not an older woman
kind of guy, Sam.
- And how would you know?
- You need someone our age, and...
- Sexy.
- I was gonna say smart.
- And...
- Uninhibited.
No! Thoughtful. Sensitive.
She wants to jump your bones, Sam.
What're you waiting for?
You don't get it. Steph and I
are just friends, okay?
No such thing.
A guy and a girl can never just be friends.
Sure they can. Steph and I have
been best buds since middle school.
It is theoretically possible to hang out
with a chick and not want to bang her.
There is nothing more important than sex.
That's the whole point of college!
- Getting laid?
- Think about it.
College is the only time in our lives
when we will have such a
large pool of available babes.
Out in the real world our choices will be
limited, but here the odds are in our favor.
The odds?
You guys make it sound like
it's some sort of competition.
- That's not a bad idea.
- Just grow up, Nick.
Sam, think about it.
What do you guys think?
Now that your visions have come back,
how does that make you feel, Luke?
Terrified.
I'm really scared. I thought this was over.
I thought I'd put it all behind me.
That's common after severe trauma.
Can you tell me about them? Your visions?
Yeah, they're beautiful alien
females from another planet
with no bellybuttons.
Go on.
They're trying to reproduce.
They implant alien life forms,
spores maybe,
inside human males to incubate them.
Their gene pool is shrinking,
and they need new mates, homo sapiens,
but during the reproductive act, their
body temperatures drop below freezing
and their partners freeze to death.
And these visions, you...
You still believe they could be true?
Look, these women were a cult.
They were real sickos,
killing the guys they had sex with.
- Were they aliens also?
- No. Of course not. No.
What about the blonde you saw today?
Or thought you saw?
Constance, Connie.
She... Yeah, she was one of them.
From the murders at St. John's College.
She was blonde and very pretty.
I remember I was with my friend
Alex just before the holidays.
Oh, God...
- And...
- Not you, too.
...she turned into one of them.
- And then what happened?
- And then I woke up in the hospital.
And they brought in the shrink.
Why? Why is this happening to me?
Why can't I just get on with my life?
I'm afraid your visions are
part of a much deeper malaise, Luke.
Look.
I'm gonna give you something
to help you relax.
Okay?
Now...
- These will help stop the visions.
- Thank you,
Dr. Geisner.
- A competition? You're kidding.
- No! No kidding.
- This is real.
- We have very strict criteria.
Check this out.
There's a handicapping system.
Every girl on campus gets a ranking.
Mega bonus points if you score
with a dime, a perfect 10.
Look, I hate to tell you guys this, but
women might just find this offensive.
I mean, being categorized and handicapped.
They won't know if we don't tell 'em.
If you guys think that I'm gonna participate
in this juvenile...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! You got to.
There's only 2 exceptions.
- One, is if you're gay...
- It's way too easy to score if you're gay.
Or have a steady girlfriend.
Then you got no choice, hombre.
This is exam week
when everyone goes home.
But most people are sticking
around for the party first.
The mother of all parties.
More hotties in one place
than anyone has ever seen.
Last chance to rack up points.
And may the best man win.
Is there a problem, Officer?
This is a 25-mile-an-hour zone.
You were going over 40.
Oh, my...
That is fast, isn't it?
I'm... I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
write you up a citation.
Oh, Officer. Do you have to?
Can I have your license, please?
This'll just take a moment.
Miss, you can't do that.
Civilians are not allowed in.
Officer, I'm a new transfer at the college
and I just can't afford a ticket right now.
You can go to traffic school.
The truth is I just don't
want it on my record.
There must be
some
other
way
we can settle this?
I'm... I'm afraid that I'm...
You're gonna run down the battery.
My baby's never let me down before.
Yeah, well, Nick, do I really need to stress
how important it is
we get your baby going here?
I mean, this party we're going to
has a higher ratio of girls to guys
than any other place in town. This is like...
Hank? You okay?
What the... He's frozen stiff.
What the hell happened here?
Holy mackinaw!
Oh, boys, 9 o'clock.
- You see the way she smiled at me?
- No, she was smiling at me.
Children, children, please.
She was obviously checking me, so...
- Dream on, Henry.
- She was.
Right.
Phone numbers are a waste of time.
If she won't get with you tonight,
cut your losses and move on.
Game on, boys.
What are you doing?
Collecting data for my sociology class.
How long it takes after a girl walks in here
before a guy buys her a drink.
Can I get you a drink?
That took me 17 seconds.
That's sweet. But you don't
really want to buy me a drink.
You want to have sex.
Well, I'd probably say yes, but...
I don't think my girlfriend would approve.
You know the problem with places like this?
- There's a problem?
- Well, it's a meat market.
I mean, everyone's a commodity.
And it's all about scoring.
There's no room left for just being a person.
- You really think so?
- Yes.
Then why are you staring at my nipples?
Guys are all the same.
Talk about feelings and all
you want to do is cop a feel.
- That's not true. I'm not like that.
- Uh-huh.
Take a good look 'cause
it's the closest you're ever gonna get.
Constance!
- That's not my name.
- I'm sorry.
I... You looked just like someone
I used to know and... I thought...
You're my Biology TA, right?
Luke Callahan?
I'm Stephanie Baxter.
- I'm really sorry.
- Yeah.
- Did I scare you?
- No, no.
Well, yeah, maybe a little.
I was just heading back to the dorm.
- Would you walk me there?
- Well, yeah. Yeah. Of course, yeah.
- Sure.
- Okay.
So, this woman I reminded you of,
Constance, is she a good friend?
She was a friend of my old roommate.
He liked her a lot, but...
But what?
She did things to him.
What do you mean?
- Well?
- Mine got overly excited.
Then his vital functions ceased.
Mine was a police officer.
And I thought he was in decent shape.
I'm... I'm afraid that I'm...
But he didn't survive the temperature drop.
What about the bodies?
Did you dispose of them?
We can't have
any distractions from the police.
We gotta hide those bodies.
Look, Luke Callahan is the only one
that survived. I'm watching him.
- What is different about him?
- Yeah, he seems really sensitive.
Well, that's why he survived,
'cause their body temperatures
need to drop slowly.
- And sensitive guys...
- He was in love.
So there's more romance, more foreplay.
There's a cold snap coming.
Make sure you do it outside.
And draw it out.
We have to keep them alive
as long as possible.
How do we do that?
These human males seem so eager.
Just use your imagination.
- Keep it down, would you?
- Oh, I couldn't keep it down.
You should've seen her, she was amazing.
And she had a friend.
You getting all this, Henry?
I'm gonna need date, time, place,
some form of corroboration.
Corroboration?
- Every score needs to be documented.
- Hey...
You need hard evidence or a photo,
or an eyewitness account...
- That's a lot of crap.
- No, Nick. It isn't.
And I've come up with the perfect way
to document scores. Cellphone.
Most shoot video.
Put my PC on speed dial, and voil!
- Instant evidence.
- Hi, Mom!
- You want to be my hat trick tonight, Peter?
- Oh yeah, sure. Get out!
- Go to bed!
- You're gonna spill Henry's beer.
Are those good?
Can I try one?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Not too fast now. Nice and slow.
That's how I like it.
It's really cold...
Not your breasts, just outside.
Let's do it here, in the snow.
It's a record low tonight.
- Let's make some heat.
- Oh, God, this is just like my fantasy.
Only colder.
There's something I really,
really need to tell you.
- I'm a...
- Not now.
I'm a virgin!
- Sorry. I gotta go.
- Hey!
Idiot. Idiot.
Come in.
- Excuse me. Are you Professor Buckton?
- Yes, I am.
What can I do for you?
I'm Dr. Constance Snowdon.
I've been assigned to
Student Health Services this term.
You supervise a grad student
named Luke Callahan, right?
Yes. He's one of the best students
I've had in a long time.
Does he ever behave unusually?
Well, he's very dedicated,
which is unusual these days,
even for a grad student.
He's very interested in anatomy, particularly
unorthodox evolutionary variations.
Well, I came here to tell you that
Luke Callahan experienced a
psychotic episode a few years ago.
Really?
It's probably nothing
for you to be concerned about,
but I'd appreciate you letting me know
if ever he behaves abnormally.
"Abnormally?"
Well, how exactly would you
define that, Dr. Snowdon?
Paranoid delusions.
Usually having to do with
aliens from outer space,
that sort of thing.
Luke has always seemed
very well-balanced to me.
He's intense, but he's very sensible.
He's very good at compensating
for his problems.
I'd appreciate if you
kept this conversation
just between you and I.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Have a good day.
Hey! What's this I hear
about a secret contest?
- Contest? Like what contest?
- Oh.
Oh, I guess it's probably just a rumor. Yeah.
Oh! Hey! What's that?
Look! Sweet!
This is like handicapping horses
on the racing form, right?
No. Horse race is like 2 minutes,
this is like a 5-day type of thing.
You have got to let me play. Please.
I'll buy you all a case of brewskies.
I'll buy you all Mexican.
Come on! I mean, Sam, tell 'em.
- Tell them my word is gold.
- Forget it, Steiner.
Sam. We went to middle school together.
Okay.
If Arnold says he's buying brewskies
or if he's buying Mexican, he's good for it.
All right, how about brewskies and Mexican?
- Done.
- Times 3
- All right. Times 3
- Phenomenal!
All right. Just don't go shooting
your mouth off about this.
- If the girls find out, we're toast.
- I won't tell a soul.
You got Arnie's word on that, bro.
Evan, you're next. Let him through.
Boys, what's up?
This is just to cover
overhead administrative costs.
See, none of these chicks do it for me, man.
- I like mine with, you know, black leather...
- God...
- Chains, studs, dog collars...
- Yeah, good luck finding her.
Don't need to. She's gonna find me.
See, I was doing some Googling.
Turns out females are attracted by smells.
They're drawn to males
with strong olfactory pheromone attractors.
Olfactory phero what?
Check this out. Bought it off the Internet.
Synthetic bull musk, 95% pure.
Thank you, North Korea.
- Oh, that's it. Right there.
- Stop.
All right. Watch this.
I see you're reading Shakespeare.
I love Shakespeare.
He understands the heart.
- So which play are you reading?
- Titus Andronicus.
Oh, yeah. Titus Androna touch me.
What's that about again?
A Roman general whose daughter
has 2 guys in love with her.
So you're a romantic, too?
- Which one does she chose?
- Neither.
They rape her and torture her,
but Daddy finds out and whacks them,
and chops them into little pieces
and cooks them into a pie and serves
them to their mother for dinner.
Dinner? I bet you want to grab a burger?
I'm a non-lactose vegan.
I'd rather die than do it with a meat-eater.
And you stink. Must be the burgers.
You like that, huh? You want
some more of that? How about this?
Excuse me.
- Do you know anything about cars?
- Cars?
Yeah...
- Mine won't start. I think I flooded it.
- Oh...
So will you come and check it out for me?
- Please?
- Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Oh, wait! Can you wait one second?
Just one second.
I gotta grab something real quick.
Just one second. I'll just be one second.
Yes, Stein'll be back, baby, yeah...
Hey! Give me your cellphone.
I left mine at the dorm.
But she's not your type. I mean, she's got
no black leather, she's got no studs...
Dude, I think she'll be just fine.
Can you give me your cellphone?
I could swear I've seen her before.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, baby, Steiner's back.
Let's do this. Yeah...
Jesus.
Steiner's not hurt, baby.
No, no, that didn't hurt.
Looks like Arnold got lucky.
- Yeah, it looks like it.
- Why'd you give him your cellphone?
He... He needed to
call his parents back. So...
Yeah, you are a really bad liar.
What are you guys up to?
Look, I gotta get back to my dorm room,
'cause I got a killer exam tomorrow...
So I'll talk to you later.
This is so sweet of you.
- I'm Jasmine, by the way.
- Steiner. Arnold Steiner.
You live around here?
Well, I just moved here.
Actually, I just transferred
from my junior college.
Oh, yeah?
- You have a major?
- Of course, I do. Party till you drop.
My car's just over there, through the park.
- We'll just have to cut through there.
- Sure. I'll follow you.
Actually, I lied. I don't even have a car.
- I just like the way you look.
- You like the way I look?
Not so fast now.
Slow and easy.
- Slow and easy?
- Uh-huh.
- Now, take off your jacket.
- Huh?
I want to see what you look like.
- What are you doing?
- Just turning my cellphone off.
Don't want us to be interrupted. Yeah.
All right. Now, where were we?
Open. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Someone needs a little discipline.
Time to punish you.
- How did you do that?
- What?
- Don't you like what you see?
- I like it. I like it...
- Aren't you cold?
- A little.
- But it excites me.
- Oh...
Whoa!
It's kind of cold.
Yeah, well, you've been a bad boy, Arnold.
And you're just gonna have to
stay out here in the cold and freeze.
No. No...
Arnold.
Hang on, buddy. I'm coming.
- Oh, good. You're still alive.
- Arnold!
Arnie, where are you, buddy? Arnold!
Sam, I can't breathe so good.
- You're gonna be okay. All right?
- No...
Not okay...
I'm gonna get you to a doctor.
Can you walk?
I don't think so.
Head feels funny.
Where's my cellphone?
I've been a bad boy, Sam.
- Okay, forget the cellphone.
- I've been a bad boy, Sam.
I'm gonna get us some wheels, all right?
I'll be back. I promise. I promise you.
911. What is your emergency?
- Yes, this is a medical emergency.
- What is your location, sir?
- In the park on campus.
- Please calm down, sir.
- What is the nature of your emergency?
- Look. Something's happened to my friend.
- Is he conscious, sir? Are you there, sir?
- Thanks.
Hey!
Hey!
Look. Something's happened to my friend.
I need to get him to a hospital.
- Where?
- Come on!
Come.
He's here. Arnold!
Arnold!
Arnold!
Dialing 911 for no reason
is a serious offense.
What?
It wasn't for no reason.
Look, something happened to Arnold.
- What do you think happened to him?
- I don't know.
Well, it's pretty obvious. He took off.
No, but he wouldn't have left
without my cellphone.
- I'm gonna let you off with a warning.
- But...
If I see you back here, you're
gonna get charged. Understand?
Yes, sir.
But it excites me.
How does a major dweeb like Arnold
get with a total hottie like that?
Love is a mystery, my friend.
That's not just love.
Yeah, that's... That's much better.
Yeah, that's full-on lust.
- It must've been the spray.
- Oh, what spray?
Looks like Arnold's pretty cold.
Looks like the temperature's dropping fast.
- Now, what the hell is that?
- It looks like some kind of snake.
- But that doesn't make any sense.
- That's what it looks like.
Now, the temperature drop,
could it have caused this?
I mean, maybe.
I mean, these things aren't made to survive
subzero temperatures outside, so...
Let's see that again.
But it excites me.
Arnold had a thing for chicks
in black leather and studs.
I mean, what's the chances
of finding your dream squeeze?
Astronomical.
Really astronomical.
Hey, Arnold. It's me, Sam.
Yeah, just give me a call when you get in.
All right, bro.
Nick's gonna win this thing
if you don't get in the game.
- What are you talking about?
- Look. My money's on you.
You just gotta get your first one
to break the ice.
- Well, do you have any suggestions?
- Stephanie.
- She's got the hots for you, man.
- No, she doesn't.
- Dude, open your eyes.
- We're just friends.
You're the only one who says that.
She never does. Why is that?
Luke?
- How long you been in here?
- Just a few hours. Maybe a little more.
You ought to take a break.
Stretch the limbs a little bit.
Go get something to eat.
Maybe find a little companionship.
You know, we...
We study the origin of life,
but we also have to live it.
Yeah.
I should really finish this.
What is this?
Oh, yeah...
- A few sketches that I was working on.
- What on earth is this?
It's something that's not from Earth.
It's the female of an alien species.
And these are?
The sexual organs.
They're kept inside till the
beginning of the reproductive act.
You know, there's a tremendous
amount of detail here.
I'm curious, what inspired you
to create something like this?
I saw her. No, no... I didn't create it.
I saw her.
- Are you serious?
- No.
No, of course not.
Go have some fun.
That's what guys your age
are supposed to do.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm fine. It's really...
Wonderful musculature.
- Can I take a couple of these?
- Yeah. Sure.
Are you all right?
I'm not sure.
Where does it hurt?
- I...
- If it hurts, I could rub something.
But not in here. They hate it
when you talk in the library.
I know a place we can go where we can
make as much noise as we want.
Pretty cool, huh?
- Now, what were you going to rub exactly?
- Where does it ache?
I wonder what you're thinking about.
- How did you know?
- Like my outfit?
Want me to play teacher?
- You're gonna freeze like that.
- No, I'm still warm from the workout.
Hey, you know who I saw the other night?
Luke, the Biology TA.
- The one whose children you want to bear?
- Yeah, that's right.
But it was weird though.
He thought I was someone else.
- And then he told me this bizarre story.
- Yeah, I'm sure he has the hots for you.
About some girls at his undergrad college
who murdered guys
after having sex with them.
Oh, that's bizarre.
But the really bizarre part was
he had a vision that they were from
another planet where it was real cold.
So they were allergic to heat.
And I swear to God,
I think he believed it.
But you want to hear
something really crazy?
Yeah.
I'm thinking of changing
the color of my hair.
Would you like me as a blonde?
- I'm putting my phone on vibrate.
- Oh.
You're so hot. So hot!
That machine! What is that?
It's a heater so the players don't freeze.
- It's too hot!
- Hey! Are you okay?
No!
Hey!
At least give me your phone number!
- Do you want me?
- Oh, like I could ever say no.
Doctor Smith, Room 42.
Doctor Smith, Room 42.
Look. I'll call you later. Bye.
- I need to see Dr. Geisner.
- Let me check and see if she's on call.
- Sorry. She's not available tonight.
- Uh-oh. Back up.
She's here tomorrow.
I can give you her voice mail
if you'd care to leave a message.
I've already left her 3
- What's he doing here?
- He needs to see his doctor.
He's been having some problems sleeping.
- You have no idea where she is?
- No, sir.
- Can I...
- No, he's dangerous.
- Why?
- 'Cause he knows about us.
And nobody believes him.
And we have to keep it that way.
Pity.
Tell her that Luke Callahan came by.
Tell her...
Tell her the medication isn't working.
Guys, I never told you this before,
but I have this thing
for girls in schoolgirl uniforms.
- Isn't that illegal?
- It's just a fantasy.
It's pretty common really.
Early childhood development thing...
Anyway, like what happened with Arnold,
this chick turned into my fantasy.
- How did she do that?
- I told you, it all happened kind of fast.
The propane heater came on
and she freaked.
It was like she was allergic to heat.
What did you say?
Sam?
I tried calling your cell,
but you didn't pick up.
- So tell me what Luke said. The whole thing.
- This is crazy.
Do you know how crazy this is?
Arnold disappeared into thin air.
Okay, that's crazy.
He's probably really embarrassed.
The girl he was with ran off on him.
Yeah, but I called his parents. They said
that they haven't even heard from him.
It's just not like him.
Luke's not here. Let's go.
What are you doing?
Sam? What are you doing?
I just wanna take a look.
Okay. This really is crazy.
Wow! Weird.
He seemed like such a sweet guy, too.
So normal.
You'd never guess he...
It's way too hot in here.
Oh, my God.
That looks like an old-fashioned
TV sci-fi monster.
- Dr. Snowdon, I didn't hear you come in.
- You looked engrossed.
- I didn't want to disturb you.
- No, you're not disturbing me.
I saw that your light was on
and I was wondering if you...
- That looks a lot like me.
- Yes.
- Did you get that from...
- Luke Callahan.
He told me that he
actually saw one of these.
I think he's under a lot of stress.
Well, speaking of stress relief...
Is it true, Professor Buckton,
that there's always something to drink
in these old faculty offices?
Well... I'm sure I could dig up some
rare old cognac to share with a colleague.
That'd be nice.
It does look a lot like you.
Very detailed work.
It's a complete delusion, of course,
but the skeletal detail is very plausible.
Anatomically I find it quite interesting.
And, Professor,
do you find my anatomy quite interesting?
...shelters for the homeless.
And on campus this morning,
Arnold Steiner, a Psychology major,
was reported missing
after he failed to meet his
friends for a midnight snack.
His shoes, shirt and socks were all found
frozen solid in a park near the library.
Campus police consider it highly unlikely
that anyone would have taken off
their clothes in this 10-below weather
and are treating Steiner's disappearance
as an unusual end-of-term prank.
Apparently, Steiner is well known
to campus police.
And now, let's check with Diana and
find out if this deep freeze will ever let up.
Well, Roger, if you're thinking
of going outside today, don't.
With today's wind chill factor,
exposed skin can freeze...
They're back.
...and frostbite is always a possibility.
So if you must go outside,
keep covered up...
- You missed your last appointment.
- Did I?
- I need to know why.
- Because of this.
Each one of these is a missing student,
except for these which are
unexplained deaths by freezing.
Don't you see? They're back.
When did you stop taking your meds?
They seem to be
congregating around the hospital...
- Luke, you have to take your meds.
- The meds are just distracting me!
They were helping you to think clearly.
I'm here to help you.
But I can't help you get through this
unless you open up to me.
Unless you trust me.
Why do you want me to take them?
To help control the hallucinations.
I'm very concerned about you.
No, you're not. You never have been...
You're...
Now you think I'm one of them.
Luke...
I am not one of them.
They're only in your imagination,
they don't exist.
But I saw them.
Listen to me.
I want you to take one of these,
3 times a day. You hear me?
- 3 times a day.
- I saw them.
- I know they're real...
- Luke.
Promise me.
Doctor Robinson, please
report to Cardiology.
Doctor Robinson to Cardiology.
Mr. Callahan? I need to talk to you.
If this is about the exam, you can
come by my office this afternoon.
It's not about the exam.
It's about the blonde aliens.
- The Decoys?
- Yeah, is that what they're called?
Who are you?
- What do you know about her?
- Whoa!
If this is some kind of prank,
I swear to you...
I think they killed one of my good friends!
That's good.
Oh, I'm sorry. But that's good.
That's good! That means...
That means they're slipping up.
That means we might
actually have a chance this time.
I read the articles about
what happened at St. John's, but
But, I mean, what do these
alien females really want?
They want us.
They're real smart. You think that
you know who they are, but you don't.
You never even suspect.
They've been here for a long time.
They're your best friend, you know.
Your girlfriend.
They'll trick you
into letting your guard down.
And then...
What is it?
"They're only in your head.
They don't exist," huh?
- Guard! Help!
- Luke!
- He's crazy!
- Luke!
- He's dangerous. Keep him away!
- Luke!
Luke!
- Luke!
- No!
- It is you.
- Calm down.
- Hey!
- I saw you burn!
Don't let him throw that on me!
- How many of you are there?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Your species, they can't stand
the heat. Am I right?
- Stop!
- The coffee! Get that out of his hand!
Put the coffee down.
- Get him out of here!
- She's no doctor!
- Are you okay, Dr. Snowdon?
- I am. Thank you, Officer.
- Let me go! Please!
- You know what? You're a nut job.
And you're going down
to county lockup, okay?
Is that really necessary?
I'm afraid so, Doctor.
I have to call in campus police.
Look. Luke Callahan is a patient of mine.
He suffers from paranoid hallucinations.
What he needs right now
is rest and medication.
Now, I'll gladly take full responsibility,
unless, of course, Dr. Snowdon
would like to press charges?
No, that's quite all right, Dr. Geisner.
Just review his medication protocol.
Thanks.
I'm afraid you're not leaving me
a lot of choice, Luke.
She's not a doctor. You all think
she's a doctor, but she's not.
Take off your jacket and roll up your sleeve.
Look, you have to believe me. Ask him!
You know what I'm talking about.
They took one of his friends.
Look. Please.
I don't want any more medication.
Luke, you need to trust me.
Now, please, your jacket.
They're smarter this time, you know.
They're hiding the bodies.
No body, no crime, right?
- You need to rest.
- Rest? No.
We need to stop them.
We gotta find the bodies.
Then people are gonna know.
- Whoa.
- Then...
Calm down. Come on.
Don't trust anyone, man.
It's the ones that you trust...
Party computer's going on location, so
we can update the leader board in real time.
So, Sam, this TA of yours
really thinks alien chicks are
freezing guys they have sex with?
That's only part of it.
That's why they're sticking him
in the funny farm.
You know, if women are aliens,
that would explain a lot of things.
You know, the party doesn't start
for another 20 minutes.
It's never too early to rack up a
quick point. Gotta protect my lead.
But you won't be in the lead
after tonight, man.
Big words, bro, but this
game isn't about words.
It's about numbers. Adios.
Now, if you had a bunch of frozen guys
you didn't want anyone to find,
where would you stash them?
The orderlies tell me
you've been quite the troublemaker.
- Luke, this is for your own good.
- You have to let me out of here.
Please.
If I do, Dr. Snowdon will press charges
for assault.
She isn't a doctor!
- Luke, I need some cooperation here.
- You don't believe a word that I say.
Why should I cooperate with you? Why?
Have it your way.
What are you doing here?
Look. I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
I mean, there are blonde aliens on campus.
And I need your help.
- Gotta play catch-up tonight.
- Good luck.
Hey. No.
Okay. I got an idea.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Come on!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
It's all those meds they gave me
in the Psych Ward. I'm fine.
Oh, hey! Look.
If you look them in the eyes,
they can read your mind.
- They know what you're thinking.
- That's not possible.
No. They can hypnotize you.
So never look them in the eyes.
- Okay. I won't.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
- Okay. Good. Let's go.
Okay. For spotting them,
this is the most important thing.
- Decoys don't have bellybuttons.
- What?
What do you mean they
don't have bellybuttons?
It's the only sure way to tell
them apart from real women.
No bellybuttons. Okay. I got it.
Hey, there.
That's the biggest screen
I've ever seen on a laptop.
Is it true what they say
about guys with big screens?
Huh? What do they say?
They say guys with big screens
have big keyboards.
- Way too hot in here.
- Yeah.
I could hardly breathe. This is better.
- You like the cold?
- I love it.
Do you
want
to...
Now you're gonna turn into my
fantasy and freeze me to death?
No! No!
Hey! You're a freak!
- So, baby, you nice and drunk?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Good. Well, you still better
be able to perform.
My dear, I will be the Hillary to your Everest.
Sounds good.
It's always the ones closest to you.
Check the bellybutton.
Hi!
Hi.
I was looking for you.
Where have you been?
I...
- You did something to your hair.
- Yeah.
- You like it?
- Yeah. I like it.
- But what did you do to it?
- I colored it, silly.
I got tired of mouse brown.
- You really like it?
- Yeah, I like it.
You want to dance?
You know something?
I have always wanted to dance with you,
but I thought you didn't like me.
It is way too hot in here. Come on.
I need to cool off.
That's better.
It was way too stuffy in there.
Don't you think?
Would you dance with me?
- Is she gone?
- Who?
What are you talking about? Come here.
Samster just left with Stephanie.
I think he's about to score.
Yeah. All right.
There goes Nick.
Oh, my God!
Nick's hooking it with another chick.
This guy is amazing.
I've wanted to do that for the longest time.
What in the hell is that?
- Let me see something.
- Oh. Only if you show me something first.
What're you looking for? These?
No. I want... I want to see your stomach!
You've got one!
- Got what?
- A bellybutton.
- We thought you were one of them.
- One of who? Who?
An alien. A Decoy, I mean...
- They don't have bellybuttons.
- What?
- I thought you wanted me, but you're sick!
- Steph, wait!
- Let me go!
- Steph...
Sam! You gotta come see this!
Now! She's doing it to Nick!
- You are so disgusting!
- No, Steph...
- All of you!
- Steph...
No! She's turned into some monster,
with tentacles and stuff!
That's her. The girl who went with Arnold
the night he disappeared.
Oh, my God. So they're real.
Damn! The temperature's dropping.
- We have to find them before she...
- Yeah, come on.
Go.
Come on!
Guys, don't let her get away.
Damn it!
- Where's she going?
- Probably to the hospital.
- We should call the cops.
- Right. Real smart, Peter.
First they arrest us,
then they throw us in padded cells.
No, we gotta hunt them down ourselves
and then destroy 'em.
- No, that's a little extreme.
- No.
What she was doing to Nick,
that was extreme.
Yeah.
- Nick.
- Nick!
- Nick, are you all right?
- Huh?
Stephanie, you do something to your hair?
- Yeah, you like it?
- Yeah, yeah, he loves it.
Nick, listen to me. Are you okay?
- Not bad.
- Dude, what she did to you, that was sick.
What'd it feel like?
Not too bad. Actually it's kind of enjoyable.
We've gotta get all of them.
The problem is they look
exactly like girls. Hot girls.
And it's gonna be really hard
to tell the difference.
It's gonna be hard for you
'cause you're guys.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that you don't think
with your brains,
you think with your hormones.
I won't be so easily fooled. Come on.
She's one. Hey, you!
Come on.
Look out! Look out! Look out! Excuse me!
This sucks!
They must know the other one's
in trouble. They'll go after her.
- To the hospital?
- Yeah.
They're vulnerable to heat.
Yeah, we need something
that puts out industrial strength heat.
Okay. We're going to need
a bunch of empty beer bottles.
Check.
How fast do you think you can get
yours hands on a few cans of hairspray?
Are you kidding? This is a co-ed dorm.
How many do you need?
- A few dozen.
- Not a problem.
This place is enormous.
If they're hiding,
we won't find them for days.
I have a good idea where they are.
There's one place in there no one
ever goes. The old morgue.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
Where's the morgue?
Don't look at me.
I've never been down here before.
I think we should split up.
- Remember not to look them in the eyes.
- Okay.
And don't forget what happened to Arnold.
- Hey, good luck.
- You, too.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
I want you to know,
if something happens that...
Yeah, me, too.
- Guys...
- Yeah.
- Come on!
- Sorry.
- What are you doing?
- Okay.
This place gives me the creeps.
They're close. I can feel it.
- Sam!
- Sam! Sam!
I know you want me.
Wouldn't you rather have this?
Steph, stand back.
This needs a little muscle.
No!
Get away from him or I'll...
Oh, no...
Sam, it's out.
Nice going.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- That was really cool.
- Yeah, thanks.
Come on.
It's just a closet.
Guys!
Please don't.
I'm not like the others.
I like being human.
I wanna stay this way.
Don't you like me like this?
Or do you prefer me
like this?
You don't have to tell your friends.
We can make it a quickie.
Yo! Angie, think you're hot?
We should split up.
- What?
- You guys go that way.
I'm gonna go this way. Be careful.
Why?
- This is a terrible idea.
- What?
- Why does he want to split up?
- It's okay, we'll be fine.
Steph?
The morgue.
Okay. Be careful, okay?
- They're not here. Let's get out of here.
- No. No, I wanna look around.
Sam, there's a body on this gurney.
I thought they didn't
use this place anymore.
Steph!
Sam! Sam!
Steph! Hang on!
The oven.
Come on, baby. Let me out.
I will do whatever you want.
And I can be whoever you want me to be.
Not this time.
Remember Arnold? Well, this is for him!
Luke?
Oh, no...
Dr. Constance, I presume?
I've been looking for you.
- Oh, my God! They're real.
- No shit.
You killed one of my clones.
You survived mating once. Let's try it again.
Give it the old college try.
Are you okay?
- Oh, are we upset?
- Constance!
Oh, man, what's up now?
He's totally going to give you
a run for the top spot.
This is a real relationship.
Bonus points for sex with meaning.
- Sorry, dude. It still doesn't count.
- Unless we get to see it on video.
You guys are so immature.
Actually, their behavior is quite typical
for the average college male.
Be careful.
Oh, shit.
It's okay. It's okay.
That's Professor Buckton.
- I'll get the light.
- Oh, my God.
He's still alive. But his pulse is weak.
Here. Help me get him out of here.
Come on. Help me.
Whoa...
Oh, God!
It's happening again.
They're giving birth to a new species.
Oh, man!
Oh, man!