Deep Cover (2025) Movie Script
[dramatic music playing]
[lion roars]
[rock music playing]
[speaking in Albanian]
- [car beeps]
- [speaking in Albanian]
[gunshots]
- [speaking in Albanian]
- Shots fired, shots fired!
Repeat, we've got shots fired!
[speaking in Albanian]
[Dawes] Requesting backup.
We had shots fired.
Jesus Christ. I think someone's
just jumped the Albanians. Go.
[speaking in Albanian]
[speaking in Albanian]
[gunfire]
Where is my backup?
[police siren blaring]
[gunshot]
[grunts, gasps]
Oh! No, no, no, no, no!
[laughs]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[laughter]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
Well, you know how it is.
[laughter]
That swag, just how I like it.
[laughter]
And I said, "Well, who?
Me, or the mugs who shorted the stock?"
It's like please take stock
of how shit you are.
[laughter]
Or like, uh...
stock, stoc... stock up
on, um, knowledge about the situation?
Just don't make mistakes. [laughs]
So, hang on, what did you do
when they asked about day trading?
Oh. I said, "Oh, hmm, fuck off."
[laughter]
Hugh. Did you update that server?
Oh. Hmm... fuck off?
I mean, it wasn't sort of fuck off
in a sort of nasty way,
just sort of fuck off joking.
Well, I can't say I quite
get the "joke" myself,
and this isn't the first time we've
had to talk about your "soft skills."
- Look, Hugh. Keep in your lane, hmm?
- [Hugh makes sound]
Stay on top of the Wi-Fi
and stop trying to be part of the team.
Is your Wi-Fi okay?
- It's fine.
- Okay.
- [interviewer] State your name.
- Marlon Swift.
You had a chance to see the script?
Would it be okay
if I went a bit off-piste?
I always find improv helps me
find the truth of a character.
Uh, yeah. Sure.
It's not hard...
it's impossible, Jennifer.
Impossible to be in a body
that won't give you what you want.
No. Don't, Jennifer. Please.
Don't you dare cry.
Don't you do that, Jen.
This isn't about you.
I want you so much, but my body...
Sorry, I think... Marlon?
Maybe just one on... script?
It's not hard... to stay hard
with "Rocket Power For Men."
[siren blaring]
I can't do this anymore, Terry.
I want proper work.
Says the Pizza Knight.
[Marlon] I didn't spend three years
of drama school
- to end up selling frozen dinners.
- Fuck sake.
No more ads. Acting.
Authentic, gritty characters.
I wanna plumb the depths
of the human condition.
[Terry] We've been down this road before.
Feedback's always the same, they don't buy
you as the intense guy who's seen horrors.
I'm an actor, I can be anything.
[Terry] You're from The Cotswolds,
you're not Al Pacino.
Look, I've got something that's much more
your wheelhouse: fresh in this morning,
- West End venue.
- West End. Okay.
Character is an elven messenger
who directs kids to the toy store
of their dreams.
- Is this standing about with a sign?
- In the West End.
I really think
you can bring something to this.
Only thing is, they need someone
to commit for the whole season.
[dramatic music playing]
- Can I use your toilet?
- Sorry.
Toilets are only for paying customers.
- [Laura] Please. I'm desperate.
- [Siena] I'm afraid it's a strict rule.
You'll have to get something.
Oh, fine, fine.
Uh, just do me a Celtic symbol.
But be quick.
- [makes buzzing sound]
- [crowd laughs]
[Kat] Nice! Great escalation.
See that was funny
because they weren't trying to be funny.
They just committed to their characters
and rolled with it.
- Um, yup. Trish and Dave, you're up.
- Oh.
Okay, okay. Scene title:
"Customer Service." [claps]
How can I help you, sir?
I've got a rash.
- Oh. Well, lucky for you, I'm a doctor.
- No, you're not. You're a plumber.
[Trish] A plum... No.
- No, I'm a doctor. I do doctoring...
- Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
If she says she's a doctor,
she's a doctor. Right?
"Yes, and"? "Yes, and" always "yes, and,"
and then build on it.
Never hang your partner out to dry.
See, improv is all about
being in the moment,
even if the moment is completely insane.
Because when you're on that stage,
there are no mistakes...
- Only opportunity.
- [glass bottle topples]
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay. Are you here for class?
Oh, that's great.
Let's get you to jump in
with Marlon.
Marlon?
I'm just working on my character.
Maybe a war veteran.
Yeah, you don't know what the scene
is yet, Marlon. Come on.
- Yeah. Come on.
- Okay. Um...
Just trust your gut.
- And when in doubt, "yes, and."
- [all] "And."
Yes.
"And."
Oh, I was just saying "yes,"
but yes. And.
Yeah. You can just wait
till the scene starts.
Okay. Scene title:
"Bad Babysitter." [claps]
[inhales]
[exhales]
Uh, sorry I'm late.
I was just remembering
what happened over there.
Carnage.
So where's my boy?
Don't overthink it.
Uh, crikey...
Where's little Timmy?
- First thing that pops into your head.
- I... really have no clue.
You lost my son?
- [laughter]
- [applause]
- [laughs]
- Thanks, Kat.
- See you next week.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Kat. Did you get that
my war vet was anti-vax?
Yeah.
Good.
Signed up to the rest
of the class, and...
sorry, just trying to improvise
something around the word "class."
I wouldn't force it.
Right, right. Just relax. Oh, my... Christ!
- I'm so sorry.
- Uh, no, it's fine. Leave it.
- Are you sure? Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it.
- No problem. I'll see you next week.
- Okay.
Hey, Kat. Could we have some advice?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
'Cause we've got some agents
coming to the showcase next week.
What? Wow, that was fast.
So, are there any questions we should ask?
Oh. Well, um, see, you could ask,
are they looking for a 39-year-old redhead
with an expiring work visa?
No, no, no, no, no.
I would ask how they're gonna handle it
when the auditions dry up.
When you've been hustling for years
and years and years,
and you've got nothing to show for it
other than, uh, two lines
as "Sassy Barista" in a shitty sitcom.
I mean, that's the question, right?
Are they gonna stick around
when things get fucking dark?
Thanks, Kat.
Yeah. Anytime.
[police siren blaring]
[dramatic music playing]
What the fuck?!
I mean, obviously,
life is hell at the moment.
Since Paul and I sold the company,
we're stuck having sex again.
- Hence this nightmare.
- [laughter]
As if having baby number four
wasn't enough,
planning this one's hen-do
has been an absolute mindfuck.
God, nothing crazy, guys, please.
Oh, no, don't worry. Super chill vibe,
budget's 500 each.
[chokes, coughs] Each?
Yeah, but that covers literally everything
except food and drink.
Where are we going, Dubai?
[laughter]
You are so funny, Kat.
Look, I'm not saying I'm getting married
just so we can see you again,
- but babes, it's been too long. Crazy.
- Way too long.
And you all look so perfect
and professional,
and just, um... and this place?
Remember our flat in Brixton?
[laughs] We were crazy.
I do kind of miss those days.
Oh, I don't. Perma hangover.
[groans] Greasy takeaway at 5:00 AM.
You know, I still order from Zing Palace.
Why?
Oh, are you joking? Okay.
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
Yeah. I mean, I do sometimes,
but, you know. [chuckles]
How is it going with the comedy?
- Someone said that you're teaching?
- You're a teacher?
- Oh, so good to give back.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not like, um, a teacher-teacher.
I'm just doing it for right now, you know?
You know, if you need money,
we can always lend you.
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm gonna be rewriting my solo show.
And, you know,
if I get it produced, that is...
Babes... you're obviously crazy talented,
but it feels like it's been 10 years
of rewriting this solo show
and we're just worried that the world
is never gonna see what we see.
Right.
Well, what I see is empty glasses!
[dramatic music playing]
[phone vibrates]
Terry?
So the Boner Pill guys tell me
you went full Daniel Day-Lewis.
Did they like it?
[Terry] Marlon, this actor
you're trying to be,
sorry, but you don't have it in you.
I think maybe it's time we parted ways.
Fuck... this.
Hugo... [clears throat]
- Oh, Sam, it's Hugh.
- [Sam] A quick one, yeah?
Uh, I'm just heading out for a pint
and I wondered if you're free.
Who, me? Yeah, I got...
sure, yeah, of course.
Oh, sweet. Would you mind
popping over to my desk
and sorting out the tangled wires
and shit?
Cheers, mate. Thanks.
[dramatic music playing]
[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Kat Boyles.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you. Thank you,
thank you so much, everyone.
Again, I'm Kat. I coach improv here,
which you can tell from how well
I moved that chair.
[laughter]
These guys have worked so hard
over the last two weeks
and they are ready to rock,
so shall we get them in?
- [man] Yeah!
- [Kat] Come on in, everyone! [laughs]
[applause]
- [laughs]
- [woman] Isn't it?
[man] Hey.
Done a great job with this lot.
- Thanks.
- Listen, uh... [clears throat]
I don't know what your availabilities are,
but, um, I'm looking to work
with someone just like you.
Oh. Are you like an agent, producer, or...
Detective Sergeant.
It's a program the Met
have been running for the last year.
Using improvisers for low-level stings
to bust counterfeiters,
unlicensed bookies,
you know, that kind of thing.
- Why improvisers?
- Crooks spot the police a mile off,
plus, we're not so good at thinking
on our feet. But you are.
In fact, I've been watching you
for a while now,
and I can see you're one of the best.
[laughs]
You'd have backup,
so it's negligible risk.
So is this like a volunteer thing?
Two hundred quid a pop. Each.
Each?
Operatives work in threes.
Your call who to bring in.
Think it over.
[audience laughs]
[Hugh] Well, this is the craziest safari
I've ever been on!
Is this ride definitely safe?
[makes sound]
Have no complaints. Just funerals.
[audience laughs]
Hey. So, I've got exciting news.
We know. Never thought it would happen
literally on the night.
- What? What happened?
- [Laura] We got signed!
That's what you meant, right?
Yes. Yeah!
- She's taking us to Soho House!
- [Laura] Thank you for everything, Kat.
- You are an amazing teacher.
- [Siena] You're the best.
[laughs]
[sighs]
[quirky music playing]
Okay. So here's the deal.
Two hundred each,
and we'd be doing a public service.
I dunno. I got into improv to help
my character work, not the cops.
This is character work.
Well, I suppose...
we're sort of going undercover.
Well, we just go and buy something.
I could write a whole backstory.
[Kat] You could.
"Who is this guy?
Why is he buying fake handbags,
what does he know?"
Uh-huh. Hugh? You in?
Oh, gosh. Police.
Gets your blood pumping
just saying the word, doesn't it?
I don't know, it might be tricky
getting time off work.
Dude. Can you imagine the stories
you can tell at work
once you've done stings for the police?
What are we thinking for costume?
[dramatic music playing]
The fuck's that on your face?
Too much? Fine, I can take notes.
Right, super simple.
There's been a citywide uptick in the sale
of counterfeit cigarettes.
Chock-full of all sorts of cheap nasties.
Health crisis in the making.
We've got intel the shop
down the road is in on it.
Pay them a visit, ask
for "something more affordable,"
that's the code-phrase,
then buy a brick and leave.
So we each buy one? Or...
Oh, I forgot you're virgins.
Point. Wing. Nest.
Point makes the order.
Wing browses nearby, there if needed.
Nest is in the doorway, on lookout.
Here. Take this.
Call me before entry
so I can get them on tape.
Don't we need a wire?
You'll get them later with the snipers
and proximity mines.
Fucking hell. Go on, fuck off.
[Kat sighs]
Okay. So this is just another
round of improv, yes?
So remember the fundamentals. "Yes, and."
What character are you bringing in?
I don't think we need
to bring in characters.
Maybe a single mom, desperate
'cause she can't afford her Marlboro reds?
- Sure.
- And I'm your brother.
- Right.
- In-law.
A cobbler who got addicted
to the shoe glue
and lost it all on the back streets
of Manchester.
- That got dark.
- That's cobbling.
What about you, Hugh?
Any accents up your sleeve?
- "Aye up y'fokin pillock!"
- Jesus Christ.
- I think just leave it.
- I'm... I agree.
- I'm sorry, it's just I'm nervous.
- Listen, listen, don't, don't, don't.
Relax, relax, relax.
Just follow my lead. Okay?
Title: "Easiest 200 quid ever." [claps]
[bell chimes]
[phone rings]
[sighs]
[sighs] It's freezing outside.
What can I get you?
You think this is cold?
Try winter in Manchester.
You can't resole a boot in subzero,
let me tell you.
You know him?
Brother-in-law. Wish I didn't.
Can I get some smokes.
[Nico] Camel, Marlboro?
I'm looking for something more...
- [clatters]
- Drat! Drat it! Drats.
Sorry, Kat. No, sorry, everyone.
What's going on, eh?
You guys all together?
That a problem, lad?
[Kat] We're looking for something more...
affordable.
[Nico] Something more affordable.
Anything else?
Yes.
And something...
even more affordable.
[sighs]
[Nico] Something spicier, yeah?
A bit of weed?
We look like the sort of melts
that get high on baby food?
What the fuck?
How do I know you're not coppers?
[whistles slowly]
[makes popping sound]
Call that strike one, eh? Ask again
and I'll take your tongue out your head.
- You heard the man.
- [Nico] How much you looking to spend?
- How much you got?
- Buying to sell?
- Smarter than you look.
- Let me make a call, yeah?
What the fuck are you doing?
It's not my fault,
Hugh's the one who escalated it.
- They were slippery crisps!
- Let's just buy the cigarettes and go.
And block the scene?
That's not what you you taught us.
- He's coming. He's coming.
- [Kat] Shit.
Not here.
Follow me, yeah.
[speaking in Greek]
Fucking idiots.
[tense music playing]
[man rapping in foreign language]
Pump the sounds, lad.
[volume increases]
Buying in bulk. I've cleared it with him.
Weapons in the box.
[man rapping in foreign language]
[phone beeping]
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- [man] All right. We're square. It's done.
- [black-eyed man] Yeah.
[man] Yeah. Come on.
Pull yourself together.
Good boy... good boy.
No doctors, yeah?
Buyers are here.
All right. Take him out of here.
Buyers, eh?
He looks like a fucking accountant.
He's our "in" to the city crowd.
Got his start in securities fraud
then pivoted to after-hours supply
when regulators got wise.
First name terms with every CEO in London.
They call him "The Squire."
Good day, sir.
So, that's why he's dressed
like a fucking cunt?
Yeah, exactly.
The Yank?
- I had to get out of Chicago.
- Oh. Too much heat?
Not enough.
[man] Oh.
Sick of the small time.
So, you're big timers?
- How come I've never heard of you?
- Clients demand discretion.
[man] Oh.
We're only off-patch 'cause we had
some bad shit that went down.
Few toffs snuffed it, who gives a fuck?
It's bad for business.
We need a new supply.
All right.
Small operation,
targeted market.
Name's Fly.
Bonnie.
I'm guessing you're the brains, Bonnie.
Roach. The muscle.
The Squire.
The...
squire.
Shosh.
Albanian hookup.
Got a good rate, if you follow,
so I need it gone.
Three bricks. Call it 50K?
It's legit. 70%.
Who's your nose?
Squire? Come on.
Um...
Come on. Have a seat.
- Go ahead.
- Oh, I don't... I don't really do...
do the whole kind of key thing.
- All right.
- Mm-hmm.
You want a proper line?
Um...
Little Lord Fauntleroy wants
a proper line.
- All right.
- Sure.
Go on.
Oh, thank you very much. That's very kind.
Thank you.
Okay.
[snorts]
[grunts] Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Very nice... very nice. Yeah, good.
Happy days?
How do we know the rest ain't flour?
Go on.
[snorts]
No, that's definitely not flour, is it?
That is cocaine. Yeah.
Yup.
Good to confirm.
That is cocaine.
Just one more.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
[snorts]
[grunts, exhales deeply]
- [rock music playing]
- [door opens]
Skender...
good to see you again.
You take our coke?
Huh?
You take our fucking coke?
This is it?
Where is the rest, huh?
- Up his nose?
- [yelps, panting]
That's our coke.
They didn't steal from you.
They're buying from us.
Let him go.
You're embarrassing yourself.
[grunts]
And who the fuck are you?
Skender, that's a bit disrespectful.
Boys, this is not my beef.
But if you're, uh, looking to buy,
your competition here just offered us 50.
So, do we have another bidder?
All right, 50's fair.
He ain't gonna raise.
I'll give you 60.
Call it 80 or fuck off.
What?
Do it.
Make me feel alive.
[Hugh] It is so good to feel alive,
like really buzzing and light
and connected on the cellular level.
'Cause like what is life?
Is time really linear, or in a way,
we're just living through everything
that ever happened all at the same time?
Shut the fuck up!
[speaking in Albanian]
It's all there.
Fuck you, bitch.
[door closes]
- [laughs] Fucking hell.
- [laughter]
You sold him back his own coke. [laughs]
You're fucking mad.
All right. Listen.
If your bad batch spooked
your customers,
there's work for you here.
I could do with people who can think
on their feet, huh.
- Ow!
- Whoo, that was real.
My heart's going haywire.
Fuck. What the fuck?
Guys. Guys. I'm so sorry.
I think I'm actually gonna die.
Hey, hey, you were so good.
- No, no, you don't understand.
- You've committed. It was inspiring.
- I don't do drugs.
- Jesus Christ! What the fuck?
What the fuck?
[Billings] All you had to do
was buy the cigarettes.
But no, you come back bleeding, coked up,
and covered in sick.
Fly could have killed you.
I'm really sorry.
But he didn't.
You have to go back in.
What?
You could infiltrate his crew.
Fly moves 10 mil a year.
If you get tabs on his next deal,
my God,
that'll be huge for the Met.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We almost died.
- I think I still might.
- I mean, we were pretty damn good.
Marlon, no fucking way.
This is getting completely out of control.
Okay. Okay. Forget the police.
This could be huge for you.
"Improv comics take down criminal empire."
You heard of Donnie Brasco?
Serpico? Yeah?
You'd be heroes.
How many rejections have you faced?
How many times have you been made
to feel like a nobody?
Today, I saw what you could do.
Don't you want the world to see?
[upbeat music playing]
[gunshot]
Penetrating Fly's gang takes you
well beyond the remit of this program.
You're going deep cover.
To all intents and purposes,
you are Bonnie,
Roach, and The Squire.
The only person who knows
your real identities is me.
Now, the rules of undercover policing
are simple.
Never break character. Say yes.
And always, always trust your partner.
Remember, we need info
on Fly's next supply deal.
I need to frisk ya.
- [Billings] So, trust your skills.
- You need to fuck off.
[Billings] Trust each other.
- He stutter?
- [Billings] And trust me,
you will be heroes.
Thank you.
Fly's back there.
A lady in need.
'Cause I need a man?
No. God, no.
You are a fantastic, strong, uh, bull.
No, I just meant, uh, a lady in need
of a... of a bigger challenge.
That's what I...
[indistinct chatter]
- Yeah.
- [Marlon clears throat]
Ah, it's the city slickers.
Wondered if you'd show.
Yeah. We're gonna close up shop
for a while.
Lay low.
Well, there's nothing really doing
right now.
But...
this prick owes me 20 grand.
I want you to go and shake him down.
Oh, Pinot noir, lovely drop.
Yeah, it's smooth,
with a chocolate finish.
You're strange.
But also polite.
And well dressed.
You remind me of that movie.
Bond?
Paddington.
Yes.
Yeah. Uh, so we're going.
Um, for what it's worth,
you're quite strange, too.
So, we don't actually do this?
[Billings] Of course, you do.
Pass the test, go deeper,
gain Fly's trust.
I really don't like the sound of it,
what if he's got a gun?
Mm. Maybe we should go in strapped.
"Strapped," Marlon?
What are you talking about?
It's what Roach would say.
Please don't pull me out of character.
Listen, this bozo's not gonna fuck
with Fly.
And I'm on standby in case
it goes south, but it won't.
Worst case, we've got The Squire.
That doesn't even mean anything.
[Billings] You're gonna be fine.
Low risk, high reward.
Now, shut the fuck up and go.
[Hugh] What if he doesn't pay?
I'll make him. This fuck's crossed me
too many times.
Do you know him?
Is he violent?
Just ignore him.
He's being method.
I'm sorry. What happened
to "commit to your character"?
If things go sideways,
just throw in a grenade.
- A grenade?
- A curveball.
Something he won't see coming.
- [Hugh groans]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, listen, listen.
But most important is trust
your gut, remember?
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Time to get revenge
for what happened in Milan.
It's this way.
Roach has no sense of direction.
Interesting.
[microwave beeping]
Where's the fucking cash, Sagar?
Hey, hey, hey, easy, easy.
Give us the money
and we leave you in peace.
Tell Fly I'm good for it.
Oh. So we're doing this the hard way?
You want The Squire?
Who's The Squire?
Um...
- [bottle clangs]
- Sorry.
[groans]
What the fuck?
Hold him down. Take his dick out.
- [Sagar] Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
- Hold him down.
- Take his fucking dick out!
- Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I have it.
Where'd you think you're going?
The cash is in my gym bag.
Oh, yeah?
This gym bag?
Holy shit.
Were you gonna shank us, Sagar?
Youse lot need to calm down.
Hey, I ain't going nowhere.
But there's something you should know.
- [Marlon] Shit.
- Fuck you, idiots.
Ooh.
Fuck.
Hey, maybe he's not dead.
- Sagar, Sagar, mate.
- [Kat] He's definitely dead.
What the fuck did we do?
- No, no, no, no, no. Christ. No.
- [siren wailing]
Come on. Let's get this cash back to Fly.
Marlon.
Need proof of death.
Mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Stay calm, these things happen.
No. Sorry, this has never happened to me.
That's what you signed up for.
We did not sign up to kill people.
He chose to run and we just...
Threatened to iron his dick?
- I told you not to escalate.
- It's where the scene went.
It's not a scene anymore, Marlon.
This is real.
[Billings] Exactly.
So, get your head straight,
the lot of you.
'Cause otherwise you won't die on stage,
you'll fucking die.
I'll clean things up this end.
You go back to Fly,
take responsibility for the hit.
He'll trust you now.
Eyes on the prize, Bonnie.
That's not good for your sleep pattern.
We saw a man die, Hugh, pick your battles.
[siren wails]
What we got?
Hit-and-run. Unknown male.
He's not unknown.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Over or under?
Under, surely.
Yes. Okay. Hello.
Hi, uh, Inspector.
I'm Robin Beverly,
I'm your new deputy.
Just wait till City Hall
get a load of this, huh?
What?
Uh, wait till City Hall
get a load of this?
Just as in, "quite serious."
I mean, someone's dead, right?
Not just someone. The Iceman.
A notorious gangland assassin
who's had us chasing shadows for years.
"Chasing shadows."
This is too wet to write on,
so that's actually... there's the culprit.
And then he gets mown down
by some random drunk?
What aren't we seeing?
Jesus.
So, this is where you've been hiding.
He was chased by assailants.
Persuasive ones.
- Twisted.
- [forensic examiner] Sir,
neighbors saw three figures
standing over the body
taking pictures of it and talking to it.
Who are these psychos?
A redheaded woman,
a thug in an army jacket,
and a smartly dressed South Asian male.
No one in town would dare
go after The Iceman.
These guys are new.
These guys are different.
He wouldn't pay. He tried to run.
So, The Squire offered him a bottle
of something nice and broken.
Hmm. You iced The Iceman.
- Who's that?
- The Iceman?
Sagar was a hitman.
In his prime, he was one of the best.
I had to check you were the real deal.
And clearly you are.
That's your cut.
I'm glad we've got the foreplay
out of the way.
So, you're giving us a when and where
for the major league shit?
Maybe we should go work for the Albanians.
When the next shipment firms up,
you'll know about it.
Yeah. That all?
No.
It's my birthday,
so go and get cleaned up,
because tonight we're going fucking big.
[upbeat music playing]
Okay. Remember, these guys go hard.
So, don't try to match them
drink for drink.
Exactly. It's the pills
and lines they'll notice.
Let's hope it's not that kind of night.
["We Are Your Friends"
by Justice vs. Simian playing]
Because we are your friends
You'll never be alone again
Well, come on
Because we are your friends
You'll never be alone again
Well, come on
Well, come on, well, come on
It's always one
who can't hold their drink.
And it's the fucking yank!
- Yeah, it is drama.
- You're getting all silly.
- Kat?
- Well, wait.
Harriet, hi. Shit. Oh, my. Hi.
Hello.
[Harriet] Are you... are you okay?
Yeah, I'm great.
I'm just... tonight I'm out
with some colleagues.
Thought you said you couldn't come tonight
because you had an audition?
- Audition?
- Yeah.
You know, the Iceman.
"The Iceman Cometh"? Eugene O'Neill?
- Oh, lovely.
- Who are these birds?
Birds? Wow.
Um, they're just, you know,
some random banker bitches.
- Huh?
- Well, off you pop, girls.
- She's not selling tonight.
- Kat, why don't you come with us?
The fuck do they keep saying Kat?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's a nickname, Ket,
like, you know, Ketamine.
You're doing Ketamine?
- Oh, my God.
- No. No.
No. You should just...
you should just... you should go.
Kat, don't turn to drugs
just 'cause life hasn't turned out
how you hoped.
No one can make a living in comedy.
Oh, fuck off.
I'm actually doing something
incredible right now.
Kat, this isn't a joke.
These aren't our kind of people.
[all gasp]
She told you nice.
[Fly laughs]
Come on. We're going. Going.
[Fly] Fucking fiends.
[upbeat music playing]
Happy birthday, boss.
Right.
So how'd you get in the game anyway?
You?
I've got bodies buried in 15 states.
I don't really do backstory.
I do.
Oh, yeah? What's your story, Roach?
I've traveled, brother.
Ran away from my parents when I was five.
By the time acne was kicking in,
I was a stable boy in Zurich.
That's where I grew entranced
by those beasts' ancient power.
They spoke to me.
I became their agent of destruction,
burning rival barns,
spoiling their smithies.
By the time I'd learned
to palm an ace of spades,
well, Monte Carlo
couldn't come quick enough.
Except it did.
But you sound like you're from the North?
Then I lived in Manchester for years.
If I didn't know you were the real deal,
I'd still think you were full of shit.
[all laugh]
What about you, Squire?
Well, I worked somewhere
where people treated me like shit.
Banker scum.
Yeah.
I guess I felt pretty alone.
Then I met these guys.
I decided to try something new,
something dangerous,
and now I'm not so alone.
How about you, Fly?
My old man was in the game.
Hmm.
He got shot by a copper.
My mom went with this right piece of shit.
Horrible bastard he was.
Proper bully.
I left home when I was 14.
I'd thought I'll make
my own way in the world
so my little girl never has to go through
all the shit that I had to.
You have a daughter?
Yeah.
She's in Portugal.
It's a different life.
It's like the beach after school
and fishing at the weekends.
You got the sunshine.
[Kat] Hmm.
I don't really like people
knowing about her.
Then why'd you tell us?
[phone vibrates]
It's Metcalfe.
[Marlon] Metcalfe?
Who's Metcalfe?
The boss.
He wants to talk.
With all of us.
Let's get cleaned up.
[intense music playing]
[man] No!
No! [grunting]
When we get in there, don't talk to him.
You don't even look at him, all right?
[door opens]
Jenga, Jenga, Jenga, Jenga
What a wonderful game, eh?
A minute to learn,
a lifetime to master.
And tell me,
how many other games are suitable
for teaching important truths
about the human condition?
Order is delicate.
Come on, Fly. Your turn.
Just remember, slightest miscalculation
and everything you've built
comes tumbling down.
Another one.
I heard you pinched from the Albanians.
And then with the help
of the three stooges here,
you sold it back to them?
Bit of a result actually.
No.
Until they ran it through their labs
and found out it was theirs.
Miscalculation, Fly.
- How'd you know?
- They told me.
I'm in business with them.
- You made peace with the Albanians?
- Mm-hmm.
Another one.
I was brokering a deal
to make them my exclusive coke people,
triple my supply.
But suddenly my phone calls
are not being answered.
And I found out it's because of youse,
youse, and youse.
Who the fuck are they?
They're legit.
They did in the Iceman.
Oh, a pensioner who could barely do
his own shoelaces.
Whoopty fucking do.
All right. Look, I fucked up, right?
I'll talk to the Albanians.
That'd be a short conversation, Fly,
'cause they want you dead.
I'll talk to them.
But just in case
I'm not as charming as I used to be,
you'll find me a new supply.
[door opens]
What, you never seen a rat before?
[upbeat music playing]
Pull us out. We're done.
I need a gun.
Listen, you got deeper in two days
than we've managed in two years.
- You can't quit now.
- Metcalfe's fucking insane.
He just killed someone
right in front of us.
- Tell him I need a gun.
- [Billings] I'm escalating this end.
Full tactical unit on standby.
This is gonna be even bigger
than we imagined.
- No.
- Stay in.
[Beverly] Sir?
You're gonna wanna take a look at this.
[chuckles] Sorry. I just always wanted
to say that, so...
Oh, God. What a hoot.
Which department did you come from?
Waterways.
Yeah, rivers, streams.
That's a hell of a promotion.
Is your dad the commissioner or something?
[chuckles] No. Um, it's my uncle.
It's from Surveillance.
[Dawes] What have we got here?
Hello, Skender.
- Baddie?
- He killed my last partner.
Baddie.
Goes into Fly's.
Comes out in one piece.
So does Fly.
It was a sit-down. That makes no sense.
They hate each other.
Nobody could make them...
[intense music playing]
Oh, shit.
[exhales]
Are they in charge?
They execute the Iceman
to make a statement.
Then broker a deal between two rivals
to let everyone know
- that they're the new...
- Top boy.
Yeah, and girl.
- And another boy.
- I understood what you meant.
- Yes. Yeah.
- These guys are not just guns for hire.
They're pulling the strings.
[intense music playing]
Right.
Metcalfe wants a new supply.
Someone we know Stratford way's
had a shipment come in.
- K-Lash?
- Yeah.
What's the deal with K-Lash?
Well, let's just say we have history.
So you're gonna do the deal.
You have a little taste.
If it's good, you buy the lot, all right?
Shosh will drop you.
Are we sure this is it?
Where are street signs?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is that?
If things go sideways, throw in a grenade.
Not a literal grenade.
Out here, what's the difference?
Hey. Are you good?
Look at me.
Are you good?
Yeah, Bonnie. I'm good.
Easiest drug deal ever.
No gyal can tell me
'bout my mother
16 shot, we go longer
than a ladder
Dem nuh fi talk
bout the real don dada
Yo, K?
Put body inna pot dem
a bun like grabba
No boy can diss me or my mother
What?
We're buyers.
You want food, yeah?
No food. Drugs.
[laughter]
How much you want?
Are we talking Colombian? Bolivian?
French?
Did you say French?
Nitro, innit?
- Nitro?
- Nangs.
- Laughing gas.
- No, no.
- We need coke.
- We ain't got no coke. Just nangs.
Oi, buy the gear or fuck off.
Is that even illegal?
Not to possess. Just to supply.
Ozzy, these dickheads are chatting
like feds. Are you lot feds?
Would a fed have this?
[indistinct chatter]
What are you sayin'?
What are you sayin'?
I'm saying we're here for class As,
not party balloons.
So unless you've got
something serious to share,
we'll leave you pricks
to your fucking sleepover.
[both gasp]
[K-Lash] What you sayin' now?
Hmm?
What are you saying now?
Here's what I'm saying now.
Roach.
Roach, fucking chill.
It's a fucking grenade, guys.
[squeaky toy sound]
- [squeaks]
- [laughs]
Oh, mate.
Okay. Run!
[indistinct screaming]
It's locked.
[Hugh screaming]
I can't hold them. Go!
Are you lost?
What the hell?
They're coming! They're coming!
- They're coming!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[indistinct screaming]
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
How did this pass Building Control?
- I always knew it would end like this.
- Okay. Okay. You got us.
Don't shank me. Don't shank her.
Just don't shank any of us.
- Just stop it.
- Shh.
- We're done, yeah?
- [door opens]
Police! Hit the ground!
[indistinct chatter]
Finally.
Where's the coke, huh?
Nangs?
We need help. Marlon's cut.
- Stay still. Stay still.
- Leave it. Leave it.
It only scars if you let it bleed.
What the fuck's this?
Where is the money?
It's here. Jesus Christ.
That's it?
I thought this was big.
It was just a taste.
Oh, fuckin' hell.
Wait.
Where's the tactical unit?
Uh, it's complicated.
Now, get out of here.
I've got to clean this lot up.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're not putting our lives
on the line for a dirty cop.
Oh. You want out, do you?
Go back to comedy
like there's no dead body in the morgue?
You killed a man.
Working for you.
They don't know that. You're deep cover.
As far as they're concerned,
you work for Fly.
[laughs] Fucking idiots.
And I sent you back in
to pay for my retirement.
And I chose actors
because you're the only ones
desperate enough to say yes.
So until I see a real payday,
you're staying in.
- Fuck off!
- You got no choice.
All the files that ID you
as legitimate moles
are encrypted right here.
Go ahead. Take it.
Yeah. [chuckles]
So we understand each other.
I'm getting what I need,
and until then if I say "jump,"
you say "how... "
[gunshot]
[Kat gasps]
Fucking cops.
Let's get him out of here.
Fucking laughing gas?
I had bad intel.
Unlike the piggie wiggie here
who somehow knew to be there.
I think he was tipped.
That's why I went in.
I saw his car outside the club last week.
Someone's flipped.
Ooh.
Hunting season.
The Glorious 12th for Grouse,
and the Partridge in September,
and Pheasants in October,
and it's any fucking time
for rats, right, Fly?
Right.
You know what they say?
Longer the tail, louder the squeak.
What you gotta say for yourself,
young man?
I've got something swinging
between my legs
but it ain't no tail.
And you, young lady, huh?
Obviously, the brains of the outfit.
Charming.
And you, wee man?
Looking forward
to your next bit of cheese, huh?
It's actually an urban myth
that rats like cheese.
Mice do, but rats are actually omnivores.
But you got the fucking mouth for it, eh?
[Fly] Stop.
My guys almost died in there.
It's not them.
Then who's been squeaking to this one, eh?
You dirty piece of... oh.
Hello.
Oh.
[camera shutter clicks]
He only ever called one number.
Phones out.
Now, who have you been talking to,
piggie wiggie?
[automated voice] It has not been possible
to connect your call.
It has not been possible
to connect your call.
I'll find the rat.
Meantime, chop him.
Okay. I'll incinerate the clothes.
You hack. I'll help you dump.
I'll meet you
at Rainham Marshes in an hour.
You okay to jack the ride?
Of course.
Do you need a caddick?
Yeah. Yes, if you got one.
[inaudible dialogue]
Oh, yeah.
Good old caddick.
- Thank you very much.
- That one is weighted for me.
Do you want a lighter one?
Um...
No. I think that should be... should be fab.
- Do you wanna check?
- Check?
On... on the body?
[clears throat]
Just checking the proportions.
You all right?
That's how you use a caddick?
Yeah, it's a house... a house style.
[Shosh makes sound]
Bye.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
- I cannot do this.
- Okay. Just stay calm.
I should have never done any of this.
I should have never listened to you!
Keep your voice down.
Or followed this psycho into a drug deal
waving a knife about
- thinking he's fucking Robert De Niro.
- Bob's an incredible actor.
- You're a liability!
- I had to go all in, Hugh.
Or what? Someone would get hurt?
All I wanted to do
was learn some people skills.
- I didn't wanna put a spike in a body.
- So it's my acting? Right.
'Cause it's really convincing
when you start talking about
- French cocaine!
- Will you both shut the fuck up!
We need the evidence
on the phone, okay?
Until then, we...
play along.
- I can't. I can't anymore.
- Well, you've got to.
You have got to 'cause
they are sniffing for rats
and if we stop now, we're dead.
So, someone needs to...
chop this body up.
[intense music playing]
[chainsaw buzzes]
Let's see De Niro do this.
[Dawes] Yes.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Was the printer not working before?
Officer at the K-Lash scene
confirm a homicide,
and they found prints
that match those
at the Iceman's flat,
our trio were there.
- Forensics coming good for once, huh?
- Our team is world class, man.
- Oh, really?
- I think just generally stop saying...
Saying stuff like that.
Yes, I know what you mean.
In fact, the lab worked overtime
and got us a positive ID on the splatter.
- Sorry.
- He was one of our own.
Poor guy is only one year away
from retirement.
- Always the way.
- You said you'd stop.
That's the last one.
These guys killed a police officer,
they are going down.
Now, we just need to find
these cold-hearted fuckers.
Oh, finally.
Which bit next?
[Kat] Oh, no.
- Shit.
- [phone chimes]
Shit, shit.
- [phone rings]
- [chainsaw buzzing]
- [Harriet] Kat, you're alive.
- Yeah.
Hey. Hey. Don't call the cops.
So, you're okay?
I'm great.
Is that... sounds like sawing?
Yeah, just doing some, um, woodworking.
Well, tools down, babes,
'cause me and the girls
wanna make up with you.
Dinner at mine?
Yeah, sounds great.
- Uh...
- Spot of Din Dins?
I gotta, uh, run some errands.
Uh, so maybe later?
Don't call the cops is the main thing.
You shouldn't waste police time.
Okay, love you.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Done.
Now, how the fuck can we jack a ride?
There's one little trick I've used before.
I was thinking more of a car,
- to be honest.
- Is it really jacking if you pay for it?
Well, I used the company card,
so it still feels a bit naughty.
[Beverly]
Hmm, surveillance aren't so bad after all.
That is our guys.
Let's give them a chance
to do this the easy way.
[sirens wailing]
- Shit.
- Go, go, go!
Oh, they're doing it the hard way.
Stop!
It's the police!
As in you stop!
We're the police.
Obviously not "stop the police."
Follow me.
And we've lost one of them.
We've got runners.
Hot on their tails.
- That's not plugged in.
- Fine.
Fuck.
Split up.
All right, you follow the little guy,
I'll take this one.
Belt. Fucking safety belt.
Get out, get out, get out.
Go.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Come back now.
- Shit, fuck!
Stop, stop cycling.
[car horn honking]
Go back. Go back.
Reverse! Reverse!
What do you think the blue lights are?
You think I'm an ice cream van?
Fucking reverse!
- [car horn honks]
- All right, no, you win.
You win. Jesus Christ.
Go on then. Away you go.
Fill your boots.
It's only a fucking police chase.
Get back in here.
I got you now.
What the fuck?
Ow, ow, oh.
- I'm good.
- You okay?
I'm okay.
Yup, get out of the way then.
He went that way.
He's faster than he looks.
[exhales]
- [sirens wailing]
- [Hugh making sounds]
Oh, fuck!
Sorry!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
For fuck's sake!
Damn, this guy's good.
[grunting]
[phone dings]
[phone chimes]
[Kat grunts]
[Hugh coughs]
Jesus.
What happened?
It's hard to explain.
You fell in the canal?
Oh, I guess not that hard.
So, what now? I mean, we can't go
to the dump spot like this.
- The fuzz are looking for bikes.
- Hmm.
I know where we can get a car.
She's expecting me
for one of her bougie dinners.
It should almost be over.
I'm gonna find the keys.
Stay out of sight.
You need a wingman.
Point, wing, nest.
No.
Stay with the body, look out for trouble.
[sighs]
Katty, you came.
Is it cool I brought a friend?
Well, we're all friends here.
You distract them, I'll get the keys.
Oh, thank God.
I'm starving.
Has it started?
Let us know when she's here.
[Kat] Wait, what?
- Mom, is that...
- Kat, this isn't an intervention.
Wendy, I think it's started.
Now, Kat, we're all here
because we really care about you.
Sorry, who are you?
This is Lotta.
She's an award-winning
Harley Street psychotherapist.
Hi.
Ooh. Thanks.
We just had no idea
how bad things had got.
Nothing's bad.
Everything is fine.
- Is that blood on your face?
- Oh, Evan.
- I'll get your inhaler.
- Kat, your drinking is out of control.
And the company you keep,
I mean, he's clearly stealing something.
I thought it was mine.
[Ellen] The brunch
was worrying enough,
and then the next time
we see you...
[Ruth]
You admitted to taking ketamine.
I know you're trying to give me
the keys to my freedom,
but look at me.
Seriously, look at me.
- I'm an addict.
- Yes. Well done.
[sirens wailing in the distance]
[dog barking]
- Oh, no.
- He likes you.
Nope. Yup. Yeah.
- I have never seen him like this.
- Mm-hmm.
- What have you got in those bags?
- It's...
Nope, just meat.
That's a lot of meat, innit?
Yeah, it's a lot of meat.
Um, I... uh, a butcher gave it to me.
I think he was retiring.
Oh, you wouldn't mind chuckin' him
a scrap then, would you?
I sprained my ankle
and I couldn't quit the meds.
And so, you know,
I got my hands on whatever.
Um, codeine, Vicodin.
Tramadol, Demerol.
Percocet, whiffle dust, monkey tranq,
white girl, all chased down
with cough syrup
and Uncle Jack, and...
Ruth, can you come sit by me?
Of course, darling.
Uh, I need a hug.
Oh, sweetheart.
- Come here.
- I'm so glad. Thank you.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[Kat] Thank you.
Thank you.
I need to save it.
But you've got loads.
I know but I've got a big family.
[Marlon]
Hugh, we've got the keys.
- Let's go.
- Let it go.
- Sorry.
- Let's go.
- [car horn honking]
- Oh, it's my Uber.
- Oh.
- To rehab.
I called it the second I saw your faces.
Finish this, sweetie.
I will, Dad.
- Let's go! Go, go, go, go!
- Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Get in! Get in!
Get in!
- Hugh?
- [Hugh] Yeah, I'm in! I'm in!
Drive!
I'm sorry, man.
Where have you been?
Let's get to work.
Ugh, after we bury this body,
we need to work out
how to get the car back,
wipe off fingerprints,
remove any tracking devices,
and somehow get the keys back inside
the house without ever...
Or that. That works.
I'll drive you home.
Cop's phone's at an electrics shop
in Tottenham Hale, getting hacked.
So, um...
how long does that take to hack a phone?
Not long.
We'll know who grassed on us soon enough.
So, where am I dropping you guys?
Uh...
up here's fine.
Stay.
I wanna show you my place.
Brilliant.
He's fine. He can handle it.
You sure?
Come on. We need that phone.
[door bell chimes]
We're here for the pig's phone.
These fucks need to hand it over.
- Metcalfe's orders.
- First I've heard.
How about I call up Metcalfe so you can
explain to him that you're in charge now?
[phone ringing]
- Fine.
- [woman] Can I take your order?
Upstairs.
Ugh.
That was a fucking day.
Yeah.
So, do you live here alone then?
I'm gonna pour us a glass.
Pinot noir?
Oh, yeah, that would be lovely.
Um, yeah, do you mind if I go
and freshen up?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Gun.
Just a gun.
Oh, thank you.
So...
what do you like?
Oh, well, um, close-up magic obviously.
Um, any type of smoked fish,
uh, games with maths.
Save yourselves a lot of bother.
Last time a worm said no to me
was Afghanistan.
You fought in Afghanistan?
How do you think I got this?
How recently were you there?
Some wounds never heal.
That should have.
Not when it was inflicted by
the sickest torturer in Guantanamo.
Guant...
So, you were fighting with the Taliban?
Beginning to work it out?
I'm the sickest motherfucker you ever met.
[woman on TV] Here we go.
[child on TV] We don't want beans.
We want the Pizza Knight.
[children on TV] Yay! He's here.
By royal decree,
you have summoned the Pizza Knight.
[announcer] Monday Night Football
is sponsored by the Pizza Knight.
From frozen to delicious
in only three minutes.
In the name of the Queen...
we feast.
That guy, he looks just like you.
That guy looks like a knob.
Are you saying I look like a knob?
I'm saying what I'm saying.
Then, we have a problem.
[Pizza Knight on TV]
Magnificent.
You wanna go, big man?
Oi!
What you doing up here?
Oh, I'm a... I, uh, I work for Metcalfe.
- You what?
- It's fine. I work for Metcalfe... whoa!
- Out! Move, bitch, now!
- Excuse me.
You don't need to touch me or anything.
Ah!
[grunting]
Fucking dick.
["It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones playing]
It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun
with anyone
But when I see you hanging about
with anyone
It's not unusual to see me cry
I wanna die
It's not unusual to go out at any time
But when I see you out and about
it's such a crime
If you should ever wanna be loved
by anyone
- It's not unusual
- [man] So, that's who came running.
Hello, rat.
You'll find it happens
all the time
Love will never do
what you want it to
Why can't this crazy love be mine?
Yup?
Walked right into it.
That's what I love about coppers.
Thick as shite.
Oh, you're on a roll you are, Fly.
How could I see this coming?
The Old Bill must have changed
their rules
'cause this lot have been going around
fucking killing people.
You vouched for them.
They are your responsibility.
Why don't you come over tomorrow night
and make a cup of tea for me
and the Albanians?
What? The deal's back on?
I bent to their demands.
And in the meantime...
Ratatouille.
Before my old man died,
he used to work on motors in the garage.
In the winter, rats would come in.
They chewed all the wires
in his transmission,
fucked everything he'd worked on
that summer.
But he didn't get angry.
I asked him why. He said,
"The rats are just doing
what they've got to do."
And later that night,
I saw him drowning rats in a bucket.
And I said, " I thought
you didn't mind the rats?"
And he said,
"I'm just doin' what I've got to."
You understand?
Oh, God.
Oh, fuck, guys.
I'm...
It's okay.
I pushed you into it.
We're all gonna die because I needed
to prove to myself
that I hadn't thrown my life away.
How fucking stupid is that?
No, you might have pulled
this off if it wasn't for me.
Going too far all the time.
[sighs] I'm no De Niro.
I'm no Brando.
My name's not even Marlon, it's Tristan.
My dad's a dentist.
And I played regional cricket.
I'm the Pizza Knight.
Well, now that's all I'll ever be.
I've just been generally shit.
Literally, I have no idea what I'm doing.
All in a pathetic attempt to make friends.
I should've just been myself.
I should've worked in wine.
Rat!
Get up!
Up!
Over there.
[three gunshots]
[gunshot]
[sighs] The Squire needed two.
I don't blame you,
trying to bring Metcalfe down.
The man's an animal.
I might be a crook, but I'm not villain.
And I'm not gonna put another three bodies
in the ground for no good reason.
You know, I knew there was something up
with you lot.
For one thing, I liked you.
Now, you get going. Long gone.
You show your faces around here again,
we're all fucking dead.
All right?
Gone. Now.
[tense music playing]
Okay. So, I found an 11:30
from Gatwick to Costa Rica.
Do we really have to leave?
You wanna spend the rest of your life
looking over your shoulder?
But it's Costa Rica, we can't
just... can't we go to Devon?
[Marlon] This is our opportunity, Hugh,
for a fresh start.
To do whatever we want,
to go wherever we want.
So, you mean we'd have
to say goodbye?
Hey, Hugh. What matters most
is that we're alive, right?
We're safe now.
[officer] Down on your knees.
Down on your knees.
Stay where you are.
Cuff these bastards.
[cheers and applause]
Remember this moment.
This is what it feels like
to take down the big guys.
"Improv comic destroys heckler."
Do you believe us now?
We're not criminals.
Okay. Found it. Here we go.
Um, if you're on YouTube, it's less
of a claim to fame, but I actually asked...
- Yeah. So, can you turn off...
- Yes, sorry. Yes, I will do.
If you're on YouTube,
I actually asked a question
at the 2015 Leicester
Security Conference.
Oh, fuck's sake.
[Kat] Billings realized
we were his ticket to a payday.
That's why there's no evidence
in your system.
The thing about there being
no evidence being your evidence,
is that there's no evidence.
Whereas I do have you on car theft,
drug trafficking, manslaughter, dismemberment.
We've even got a guy
who says you upset his dog.
- I was under duress.
- Duress or no, you did it.
- I could charge you all right now.
- Go on then, big man.
What?
He told our bosses that we're about
to bring in three major players.
Not a bunch of clowns.
- Clowning is an art.
- Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
- I'm gonna give you one chance.
- Yes.
- You don't know what the plan is.
- Carry on.
Blend back in with Fly's crew and go
to the exchange tonight wearing a wire.
Get Metcalfe on tape
confirming his deal
with the Albanians, and maybe
we can talk about immunity.
We can't.
Our cover's blown.
Metcalfe told Fly to whack us.
Then, it looks like this is the end
of the road for you.
No.
We can still get the deal on tape.
How?
[Kat] Fly is looking for a way out.
He's tired of killing, tired of the game.
Right now, he thinks
we're undercover cops.
Who are we to tell him any different?
First rule of improv, always say yes.
We just need to talk.
Okay. So, here's the deal.
You record Metcalfe confirming the terms,
and we'll take him down,
the Albanians, all of them.
It's hard to catch it on the wire.
Ain't a lot of chat goes down
at a handover.
Okay.
Make it happen and we let you disappear.
Go be with your daughter.
Turn rat for the rats, eh?
[suspenseful music playing]
Ah, the "stakeout."
A tale as old as time.
Nice costumes.
Fly's set?
Okay. That's our Albanian friends
and Metcalfe's crew.
Fly is right there with them.
What if they frisk him?
All units be advised,
our players have arrived.
Await my call, repeat, await my call.
[Metcalfe] I'm so glad we could carry on
with our arrangement.
- [Skender] Eh, money is money.
- [Metcalfe] So, a taste?
[Fly] H ow much of this
are you fucking buying?
That's my business.
Let's just get on with it.
All units standby.
- Yeah, it's pure.
- [Metcalfe] Mm-hmm. Okay.
What about the other part of our deal?
[Metcalfe] Oh, he's all yours.
- Sorry, Fly.
- Shit.
Became too expensive to keep you.
No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Shit.
- Send your guys in.
- Not until the exchange.
- They're gonna kill him.
[Dawes]
Yeah. Well, unless they exchange,
I've got fuck all
and I'm not about to blow this operation.
We can't let him die. He saved our lives.
Not until we have it on tape.
- Don't we need him alive?
- No, the tape's enough.
But not even as like... as like a witness?
Well, we've got these three.
[upbeat music playing]
- What are we doing?
- Improvising.
- What the fuck are they doing?
- Oh, my God.
[indistinct chatter]
Could've let me go out on my feet.
[gun cocks]
Nobody move! Nobody fucking move!
Police! Freeze!
Lower you weapons! Please!
What... how do they got these guns?
They're fake guns.
You let them go.
[Kat] Why wouldn't he?
We pay better.
Do it! I beg you.
Cheeky fucker's got two guns.
I will end you right here, right now.
Stand down, Sergeant Petrides.
Inspector, why put me through sharpshooter
training if you never let me...
'Cause I don't want a repeat
of the Dutch Embassy!
This is bullshit, McClary.
Then you, wee man.
You're very quiet and you look
like you're gonna puke.
Yeah. 'Cause I'm imagining the slop
they're gonna feed you in the clink,
you piece of shit.
In fact, wee man,
I'm your only way out of here.
Now I don't care what you small fry
are up to tonight.
You throw us a sweetener from both ends
and I'll turn a blind eye.
But that guy, he's our star witness
for much bigger players.
So he's coming with us.
Why don't I just have him shoot you?
Because I wouldn't be able
to stand down the snipers
ogling all of your fucking ugly foreheads!
[rock music playing]
- Snipe... he just said snipers.
- I'm aware he just said snipers.
- Have we got snipers out there?
- No, we've not got snipers out there.
[speaking foreign language]
[Beverly]
Jesus Christ, this might actually work.
They haven't confirmed it.
He hasn't actually said it yet.
Hey, out of curiosity,
what do we got here, 50 kilos,
five million quid?
Are you a fucking amateur?
This is half a ton for ten million.
- We got him. All units go. All units go.
- Woo.
- Yes!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Why am I thinking more and more that
they're just making this up
as they go along, eh?
If things go sideways.
[Kat] The fuck?
[rock music playing]
[police sirens blaring]
[indistinct chatter]
[gunshots]
[rock music playing]
I can't believe that worked.
You think I was too rude?
What? That wasn't part of the plan.
[gunshot]
[toy gun firing]
Ah, Fly, pull the wrong piece,
it all comes tumbling down.
- I always knew you'd...
- [gunshot]
Fly, I'm sorry. Fuck, I had no choice.
It's all right.
I'd have turned on you too.
Well, I did, didn't I?
We got him immunity
but I think you're on your own.
You should go, Shosh. You should go.
[dramatic music playing]
Wait.
So long, Squire.
[distant sirens wailing and gunfire]
In another life, brother.
We did... we did actually kiss.
It was... it was...
Hey.
So what kind of police carry fake guns?
[Kat] Uh...
fake police.
[sighs]
I knew there was something
double fucked about you lot.
So come on then, who are you, really?
We're improv comedians.
Well, that's fucking weird.
It's mad actually.
I'm more of an actor.
[sighs] Fucking actors, eh?
Here.
You're gonna need this.
[groans] Fuck.
Are you good?
Yes.
[Dawes] Congratulations. Fly touches down
in Portugal this afternoon,
and the heads of London's
two major criminal organizations
have been well and truly severed.
But like a Hydra, a head will regrow...
- I said no to the Hydra...
- It seemed like you were setting it up.
- Just leave it.
- Fine.
Did anyone get away or...?
Shosh, uh, slipped the net.
[Hugh] Oh, good.
Good that you got everyone else.
That's good, isn't it?
So, uh, cheers basically.
This shit got us promoted.
You're now speaking
with Superintendent Dawes.
And Detective Inspector Beverly.
I mean, we didn't really know
your ranks before, so...
These are higher.
So how do you keep us safe?
Do we get new identities?
Well, the challenge is to make sure
that no one knows who you are.
So in this case, just, yeah,
go back to what you were doing before.
So this is Marlon reading
for our biker gang leader, Duke.
Nice idea but do you mind losing the scar?
If only I could.
So I just turned to my boss
and said, "Uh, fuck off."
[laughter]
Well, now, I'm my own boss.
He said, "Those rats are just doing
what they've got to do."
Later that night,
I saw him drowning rats in a bucket.
I said, "I thought
you didn't mind the rats?"
He said, "I'm just doin'
what I've got to do."
Call Francis,
tell him we found our Duke.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Is it true, the undercover mission?
Everybody's talking about it.
You're kind of a legend.
[sighs] Okay. I'm Kat, I'm your teacher.
Let's just jump right in.
Okay. You two, get up here.
[man] Woohoo!
When I clap my hands, the scene begins.
Don't overthink it,
just stay in the moment.
And remember, always,
always trust your partner.
- Yes?
- [crowd] Yes.
And...
["It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones playing]
It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun
with anyone
But when I see you hanging about
with anyone
It's not unusual to see me cry
I wanna die
It's not unusual to go out at any time
But when I see you out
and about it's such a crime
If you should ever wanna be loved
by anyone
It's not unusual
to find out I'm in love with you
Whoa-whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa-whoa, oh-ohh
Whoa-whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh, whoa
Whoa-whoa
[rock music playing]
[lion roars]
[rock music playing]
[speaking in Albanian]
- [car beeps]
- [speaking in Albanian]
[gunshots]
- [speaking in Albanian]
- Shots fired, shots fired!
Repeat, we've got shots fired!
[speaking in Albanian]
[Dawes] Requesting backup.
We had shots fired.
Jesus Christ. I think someone's
just jumped the Albanians. Go.
[speaking in Albanian]
[speaking in Albanian]
[gunfire]
Where is my backup?
[police siren blaring]
[gunshot]
[grunts, gasps]
Oh! No, no, no, no, no!
[laughs]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[laughter]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
Well, you know how it is.
[laughter]
That swag, just how I like it.
[laughter]
And I said, "Well, who?
Me, or the mugs who shorted the stock?"
It's like please take stock
of how shit you are.
[laughter]
Or like, uh...
stock, stoc... stock up
on, um, knowledge about the situation?
Just don't make mistakes. [laughs]
So, hang on, what did you do
when they asked about day trading?
Oh. I said, "Oh, hmm, fuck off."
[laughter]
Hugh. Did you update that server?
Oh. Hmm... fuck off?
I mean, it wasn't sort of fuck off
in a sort of nasty way,
just sort of fuck off joking.
Well, I can't say I quite
get the "joke" myself,
and this isn't the first time we've
had to talk about your "soft skills."
- Look, Hugh. Keep in your lane, hmm?
- [Hugh makes sound]
Stay on top of the Wi-Fi
and stop trying to be part of the team.
Is your Wi-Fi okay?
- It's fine.
- Okay.
- [interviewer] State your name.
- Marlon Swift.
You had a chance to see the script?
Would it be okay
if I went a bit off-piste?
I always find improv helps me
find the truth of a character.
Uh, yeah. Sure.
It's not hard...
it's impossible, Jennifer.
Impossible to be in a body
that won't give you what you want.
No. Don't, Jennifer. Please.
Don't you dare cry.
Don't you do that, Jen.
This isn't about you.
I want you so much, but my body...
Sorry, I think... Marlon?
Maybe just one on... script?
It's not hard... to stay hard
with "Rocket Power For Men."
[siren blaring]
I can't do this anymore, Terry.
I want proper work.
Says the Pizza Knight.
[Marlon] I didn't spend three years
of drama school
- to end up selling frozen dinners.
- Fuck sake.
No more ads. Acting.
Authentic, gritty characters.
I wanna plumb the depths
of the human condition.
[Terry] We've been down this road before.
Feedback's always the same, they don't buy
you as the intense guy who's seen horrors.
I'm an actor, I can be anything.
[Terry] You're from The Cotswolds,
you're not Al Pacino.
Look, I've got something that's much more
your wheelhouse: fresh in this morning,
- West End venue.
- West End. Okay.
Character is an elven messenger
who directs kids to the toy store
of their dreams.
- Is this standing about with a sign?
- In the West End.
I really think
you can bring something to this.
Only thing is, they need someone
to commit for the whole season.
[dramatic music playing]
- Can I use your toilet?
- Sorry.
Toilets are only for paying customers.
- [Laura] Please. I'm desperate.
- [Siena] I'm afraid it's a strict rule.
You'll have to get something.
Oh, fine, fine.
Uh, just do me a Celtic symbol.
But be quick.
- [makes buzzing sound]
- [crowd laughs]
[Kat] Nice! Great escalation.
See that was funny
because they weren't trying to be funny.
They just committed to their characters
and rolled with it.
- Um, yup. Trish and Dave, you're up.
- Oh.
Okay, okay. Scene title:
"Customer Service." [claps]
How can I help you, sir?
I've got a rash.
- Oh. Well, lucky for you, I'm a doctor.
- No, you're not. You're a plumber.
[Trish] A plum... No.
- No, I'm a doctor. I do doctoring...
- Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
If she says she's a doctor,
she's a doctor. Right?
"Yes, and"? "Yes, and" always "yes, and,"
and then build on it.
Never hang your partner out to dry.
See, improv is all about
being in the moment,
even if the moment is completely insane.
Because when you're on that stage,
there are no mistakes...
- Only opportunity.
- [glass bottle topples]
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay. Are you here for class?
Oh, that's great.
Let's get you to jump in
with Marlon.
Marlon?
I'm just working on my character.
Maybe a war veteran.
Yeah, you don't know what the scene
is yet, Marlon. Come on.
- Yeah. Come on.
- Okay. Um...
Just trust your gut.
- And when in doubt, "yes, and."
- [all] "And."
Yes.
"And."
Oh, I was just saying "yes,"
but yes. And.
Yeah. You can just wait
till the scene starts.
Okay. Scene title:
"Bad Babysitter." [claps]
[inhales]
[exhales]
Uh, sorry I'm late.
I was just remembering
what happened over there.
Carnage.
So where's my boy?
Don't overthink it.
Uh, crikey...
Where's little Timmy?
- First thing that pops into your head.
- I... really have no clue.
You lost my son?
- [laughter]
- [applause]
- [laughs]
- Thanks, Kat.
- See you next week.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Kat. Did you get that
my war vet was anti-vax?
Yeah.
Good.
Signed up to the rest
of the class, and...
sorry, just trying to improvise
something around the word "class."
I wouldn't force it.
Right, right. Just relax. Oh, my... Christ!
- I'm so sorry.
- Uh, no, it's fine. Leave it.
- Are you sure? Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it.
- No problem. I'll see you next week.
- Okay.
Hey, Kat. Could we have some advice?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
'Cause we've got some agents
coming to the showcase next week.
What? Wow, that was fast.
So, are there any questions we should ask?
Oh. Well, um, see, you could ask,
are they looking for a 39-year-old redhead
with an expiring work visa?
No, no, no, no, no.
I would ask how they're gonna handle it
when the auditions dry up.
When you've been hustling for years
and years and years,
and you've got nothing to show for it
other than, uh, two lines
as "Sassy Barista" in a shitty sitcom.
I mean, that's the question, right?
Are they gonna stick around
when things get fucking dark?
Thanks, Kat.
Yeah. Anytime.
[police siren blaring]
[dramatic music playing]
What the fuck?!
I mean, obviously,
life is hell at the moment.
Since Paul and I sold the company,
we're stuck having sex again.
- Hence this nightmare.
- [laughter]
As if having baby number four
wasn't enough,
planning this one's hen-do
has been an absolute mindfuck.
God, nothing crazy, guys, please.
Oh, no, don't worry. Super chill vibe,
budget's 500 each.
[chokes, coughs] Each?
Yeah, but that covers literally everything
except food and drink.
Where are we going, Dubai?
[laughter]
You are so funny, Kat.
Look, I'm not saying I'm getting married
just so we can see you again,
- but babes, it's been too long. Crazy.
- Way too long.
And you all look so perfect
and professional,
and just, um... and this place?
Remember our flat in Brixton?
[laughs] We were crazy.
I do kind of miss those days.
Oh, I don't. Perma hangover.
[groans] Greasy takeaway at 5:00 AM.
You know, I still order from Zing Palace.
Why?
Oh, are you joking? Okay.
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
Yeah. I mean, I do sometimes,
but, you know. [chuckles]
How is it going with the comedy?
- Someone said that you're teaching?
- You're a teacher?
- Oh, so good to give back.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not like, um, a teacher-teacher.
I'm just doing it for right now, you know?
You know, if you need money,
we can always lend you.
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm gonna be rewriting my solo show.
And, you know,
if I get it produced, that is...
Babes... you're obviously crazy talented,
but it feels like it's been 10 years
of rewriting this solo show
and we're just worried that the world
is never gonna see what we see.
Right.
Well, what I see is empty glasses!
[dramatic music playing]
[phone vibrates]
Terry?
So the Boner Pill guys tell me
you went full Daniel Day-Lewis.
Did they like it?
[Terry] Marlon, this actor
you're trying to be,
sorry, but you don't have it in you.
I think maybe it's time we parted ways.
Fuck... this.
Hugo... [clears throat]
- Oh, Sam, it's Hugh.
- [Sam] A quick one, yeah?
Uh, I'm just heading out for a pint
and I wondered if you're free.
Who, me? Yeah, I got...
sure, yeah, of course.
Oh, sweet. Would you mind
popping over to my desk
and sorting out the tangled wires
and shit?
Cheers, mate. Thanks.
[dramatic music playing]
[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Kat Boyles.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you. Thank you,
thank you so much, everyone.
Again, I'm Kat. I coach improv here,
which you can tell from how well
I moved that chair.
[laughter]
These guys have worked so hard
over the last two weeks
and they are ready to rock,
so shall we get them in?
- [man] Yeah!
- [Kat] Come on in, everyone! [laughs]
[applause]
- [laughs]
- [woman] Isn't it?
[man] Hey.
Done a great job with this lot.
- Thanks.
- Listen, uh... [clears throat]
I don't know what your availabilities are,
but, um, I'm looking to work
with someone just like you.
Oh. Are you like an agent, producer, or...
Detective Sergeant.
It's a program the Met
have been running for the last year.
Using improvisers for low-level stings
to bust counterfeiters,
unlicensed bookies,
you know, that kind of thing.
- Why improvisers?
- Crooks spot the police a mile off,
plus, we're not so good at thinking
on our feet. But you are.
In fact, I've been watching you
for a while now,
and I can see you're one of the best.
[laughs]
You'd have backup,
so it's negligible risk.
So is this like a volunteer thing?
Two hundred quid a pop. Each.
Each?
Operatives work in threes.
Your call who to bring in.
Think it over.
[audience laughs]
[Hugh] Well, this is the craziest safari
I've ever been on!
Is this ride definitely safe?
[makes sound]
Have no complaints. Just funerals.
[audience laughs]
Hey. So, I've got exciting news.
We know. Never thought it would happen
literally on the night.
- What? What happened?
- [Laura] We got signed!
That's what you meant, right?
Yes. Yeah!
- She's taking us to Soho House!
- [Laura] Thank you for everything, Kat.
- You are an amazing teacher.
- [Siena] You're the best.
[laughs]
[sighs]
[quirky music playing]
Okay. So here's the deal.
Two hundred each,
and we'd be doing a public service.
I dunno. I got into improv to help
my character work, not the cops.
This is character work.
Well, I suppose...
we're sort of going undercover.
Well, we just go and buy something.
I could write a whole backstory.
[Kat] You could.
"Who is this guy?
Why is he buying fake handbags,
what does he know?"
Uh-huh. Hugh? You in?
Oh, gosh. Police.
Gets your blood pumping
just saying the word, doesn't it?
I don't know, it might be tricky
getting time off work.
Dude. Can you imagine the stories
you can tell at work
once you've done stings for the police?
What are we thinking for costume?
[dramatic music playing]
The fuck's that on your face?
Too much? Fine, I can take notes.
Right, super simple.
There's been a citywide uptick in the sale
of counterfeit cigarettes.
Chock-full of all sorts of cheap nasties.
Health crisis in the making.
We've got intel the shop
down the road is in on it.
Pay them a visit, ask
for "something more affordable,"
that's the code-phrase,
then buy a brick and leave.
So we each buy one? Or...
Oh, I forgot you're virgins.
Point. Wing. Nest.
Point makes the order.
Wing browses nearby, there if needed.
Nest is in the doorway, on lookout.
Here. Take this.
Call me before entry
so I can get them on tape.
Don't we need a wire?
You'll get them later with the snipers
and proximity mines.
Fucking hell. Go on, fuck off.
[Kat sighs]
Okay. So this is just another
round of improv, yes?
So remember the fundamentals. "Yes, and."
What character are you bringing in?
I don't think we need
to bring in characters.
Maybe a single mom, desperate
'cause she can't afford her Marlboro reds?
- Sure.
- And I'm your brother.
- Right.
- In-law.
A cobbler who got addicted
to the shoe glue
and lost it all on the back streets
of Manchester.
- That got dark.
- That's cobbling.
What about you, Hugh?
Any accents up your sleeve?
- "Aye up y'fokin pillock!"
- Jesus Christ.
- I think just leave it.
- I'm... I agree.
- I'm sorry, it's just I'm nervous.
- Listen, listen, don't, don't, don't.
Relax, relax, relax.
Just follow my lead. Okay?
Title: "Easiest 200 quid ever." [claps]
[bell chimes]
[phone rings]
[sighs]
[sighs] It's freezing outside.
What can I get you?
You think this is cold?
Try winter in Manchester.
You can't resole a boot in subzero,
let me tell you.
You know him?
Brother-in-law. Wish I didn't.
Can I get some smokes.
[Nico] Camel, Marlboro?
I'm looking for something more...
- [clatters]
- Drat! Drat it! Drats.
Sorry, Kat. No, sorry, everyone.
What's going on, eh?
You guys all together?
That a problem, lad?
[Kat] We're looking for something more...
affordable.
[Nico] Something more affordable.
Anything else?
Yes.
And something...
even more affordable.
[sighs]
[Nico] Something spicier, yeah?
A bit of weed?
We look like the sort of melts
that get high on baby food?
What the fuck?
How do I know you're not coppers?
[whistles slowly]
[makes popping sound]
Call that strike one, eh? Ask again
and I'll take your tongue out your head.
- You heard the man.
- [Nico] How much you looking to spend?
- How much you got?
- Buying to sell?
- Smarter than you look.
- Let me make a call, yeah?
What the fuck are you doing?
It's not my fault,
Hugh's the one who escalated it.
- They were slippery crisps!
- Let's just buy the cigarettes and go.
And block the scene?
That's not what you you taught us.
- He's coming. He's coming.
- [Kat] Shit.
Not here.
Follow me, yeah.
[speaking in Greek]
Fucking idiots.
[tense music playing]
[man rapping in foreign language]
Pump the sounds, lad.
[volume increases]
Buying in bulk. I've cleared it with him.
Weapons in the box.
[man rapping in foreign language]
[phone beeping]
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- [man] All right. We're square. It's done.
- [black-eyed man] Yeah.
[man] Yeah. Come on.
Pull yourself together.
Good boy... good boy.
No doctors, yeah?
Buyers are here.
All right. Take him out of here.
Buyers, eh?
He looks like a fucking accountant.
He's our "in" to the city crowd.
Got his start in securities fraud
then pivoted to after-hours supply
when regulators got wise.
First name terms with every CEO in London.
They call him "The Squire."
Good day, sir.
So, that's why he's dressed
like a fucking cunt?
Yeah, exactly.
The Yank?
- I had to get out of Chicago.
- Oh. Too much heat?
Not enough.
[man] Oh.
Sick of the small time.
So, you're big timers?
- How come I've never heard of you?
- Clients demand discretion.
[man] Oh.
We're only off-patch 'cause we had
some bad shit that went down.
Few toffs snuffed it, who gives a fuck?
It's bad for business.
We need a new supply.
All right.
Small operation,
targeted market.
Name's Fly.
Bonnie.
I'm guessing you're the brains, Bonnie.
Roach. The muscle.
The Squire.
The...
squire.
Shosh.
Albanian hookup.
Got a good rate, if you follow,
so I need it gone.
Three bricks. Call it 50K?
It's legit. 70%.
Who's your nose?
Squire? Come on.
Um...
Come on. Have a seat.
- Go ahead.
- Oh, I don't... I don't really do...
do the whole kind of key thing.
- All right.
- Mm-hmm.
You want a proper line?
Um...
Little Lord Fauntleroy wants
a proper line.
- All right.
- Sure.
Go on.
Oh, thank you very much. That's very kind.
Thank you.
Okay.
[snorts]
[grunts] Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Very nice... very nice. Yeah, good.
Happy days?
How do we know the rest ain't flour?
Go on.
[snorts]
No, that's definitely not flour, is it?
That is cocaine. Yeah.
Yup.
Good to confirm.
That is cocaine.
Just one more.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
[snorts]
[grunts, exhales deeply]
- [rock music playing]
- [door opens]
Skender...
good to see you again.
You take our coke?
Huh?
You take our fucking coke?
This is it?
Where is the rest, huh?
- Up his nose?
- [yelps, panting]
That's our coke.
They didn't steal from you.
They're buying from us.
Let him go.
You're embarrassing yourself.
[grunts]
And who the fuck are you?
Skender, that's a bit disrespectful.
Boys, this is not my beef.
But if you're, uh, looking to buy,
your competition here just offered us 50.
So, do we have another bidder?
All right, 50's fair.
He ain't gonna raise.
I'll give you 60.
Call it 80 or fuck off.
What?
Do it.
Make me feel alive.
[Hugh] It is so good to feel alive,
like really buzzing and light
and connected on the cellular level.
'Cause like what is life?
Is time really linear, or in a way,
we're just living through everything
that ever happened all at the same time?
Shut the fuck up!
[speaking in Albanian]
It's all there.
Fuck you, bitch.
[door closes]
- [laughs] Fucking hell.
- [laughter]
You sold him back his own coke. [laughs]
You're fucking mad.
All right. Listen.
If your bad batch spooked
your customers,
there's work for you here.
I could do with people who can think
on their feet, huh.
- Ow!
- Whoo, that was real.
My heart's going haywire.
Fuck. What the fuck?
Guys. Guys. I'm so sorry.
I think I'm actually gonna die.
Hey, hey, you were so good.
- No, no, you don't understand.
- You've committed. It was inspiring.
- I don't do drugs.
- Jesus Christ! What the fuck?
What the fuck?
[Billings] All you had to do
was buy the cigarettes.
But no, you come back bleeding, coked up,
and covered in sick.
Fly could have killed you.
I'm really sorry.
But he didn't.
You have to go back in.
What?
You could infiltrate his crew.
Fly moves 10 mil a year.
If you get tabs on his next deal,
my God,
that'll be huge for the Met.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We almost died.
- I think I still might.
- I mean, we were pretty damn good.
Marlon, no fucking way.
This is getting completely out of control.
Okay. Okay. Forget the police.
This could be huge for you.
"Improv comics take down criminal empire."
You heard of Donnie Brasco?
Serpico? Yeah?
You'd be heroes.
How many rejections have you faced?
How many times have you been made
to feel like a nobody?
Today, I saw what you could do.
Don't you want the world to see?
[upbeat music playing]
[gunshot]
Penetrating Fly's gang takes you
well beyond the remit of this program.
You're going deep cover.
To all intents and purposes,
you are Bonnie,
Roach, and The Squire.
The only person who knows
your real identities is me.
Now, the rules of undercover policing
are simple.
Never break character. Say yes.
And always, always trust your partner.
Remember, we need info
on Fly's next supply deal.
I need to frisk ya.
- [Billings] So, trust your skills.
- You need to fuck off.
[Billings] Trust each other.
- He stutter?
- [Billings] And trust me,
you will be heroes.
Thank you.
Fly's back there.
A lady in need.
'Cause I need a man?
No. God, no.
You are a fantastic, strong, uh, bull.
No, I just meant, uh, a lady in need
of a... of a bigger challenge.
That's what I...
[indistinct chatter]
- Yeah.
- [Marlon clears throat]
Ah, it's the city slickers.
Wondered if you'd show.
Yeah. We're gonna close up shop
for a while.
Lay low.
Well, there's nothing really doing
right now.
But...
this prick owes me 20 grand.
I want you to go and shake him down.
Oh, Pinot noir, lovely drop.
Yeah, it's smooth,
with a chocolate finish.
You're strange.
But also polite.
And well dressed.
You remind me of that movie.
Bond?
Paddington.
Yes.
Yeah. Uh, so we're going.
Um, for what it's worth,
you're quite strange, too.
So, we don't actually do this?
[Billings] Of course, you do.
Pass the test, go deeper,
gain Fly's trust.
I really don't like the sound of it,
what if he's got a gun?
Mm. Maybe we should go in strapped.
"Strapped," Marlon?
What are you talking about?
It's what Roach would say.
Please don't pull me out of character.
Listen, this bozo's not gonna fuck
with Fly.
And I'm on standby in case
it goes south, but it won't.
Worst case, we've got The Squire.
That doesn't even mean anything.
[Billings] You're gonna be fine.
Low risk, high reward.
Now, shut the fuck up and go.
[Hugh] What if he doesn't pay?
I'll make him. This fuck's crossed me
too many times.
Do you know him?
Is he violent?
Just ignore him.
He's being method.
I'm sorry. What happened
to "commit to your character"?
If things go sideways,
just throw in a grenade.
- A grenade?
- A curveball.
Something he won't see coming.
- [Hugh groans]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, listen, listen.
But most important is trust
your gut, remember?
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Time to get revenge
for what happened in Milan.
It's this way.
Roach has no sense of direction.
Interesting.
[microwave beeping]
Where's the fucking cash, Sagar?
Hey, hey, hey, easy, easy.
Give us the money
and we leave you in peace.
Tell Fly I'm good for it.
Oh. So we're doing this the hard way?
You want The Squire?
Who's The Squire?
Um...
- [bottle clangs]
- Sorry.
[groans]
What the fuck?
Hold him down. Take his dick out.
- [Sagar] Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
- Hold him down.
- Take his fucking dick out!
- Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I have it.
Where'd you think you're going?
The cash is in my gym bag.
Oh, yeah?
This gym bag?
Holy shit.
Were you gonna shank us, Sagar?
Youse lot need to calm down.
Hey, I ain't going nowhere.
But there's something you should know.
- [Marlon] Shit.
- Fuck you, idiots.
Ooh.
Fuck.
Hey, maybe he's not dead.
- Sagar, Sagar, mate.
- [Kat] He's definitely dead.
What the fuck did we do?
- No, no, no, no, no. Christ. No.
- [siren wailing]
Come on. Let's get this cash back to Fly.
Marlon.
Need proof of death.
Mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Stay calm, these things happen.
No. Sorry, this has never happened to me.
That's what you signed up for.
We did not sign up to kill people.
He chose to run and we just...
Threatened to iron his dick?
- I told you not to escalate.
- It's where the scene went.
It's not a scene anymore, Marlon.
This is real.
[Billings] Exactly.
So, get your head straight,
the lot of you.
'Cause otherwise you won't die on stage,
you'll fucking die.
I'll clean things up this end.
You go back to Fly,
take responsibility for the hit.
He'll trust you now.
Eyes on the prize, Bonnie.
That's not good for your sleep pattern.
We saw a man die, Hugh, pick your battles.
[siren wails]
What we got?
Hit-and-run. Unknown male.
He's not unknown.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Over or under?
Under, surely.
Yes. Okay. Hello.
Hi, uh, Inspector.
I'm Robin Beverly,
I'm your new deputy.
Just wait till City Hall
get a load of this, huh?
What?
Uh, wait till City Hall
get a load of this?
Just as in, "quite serious."
I mean, someone's dead, right?
Not just someone. The Iceman.
A notorious gangland assassin
who's had us chasing shadows for years.
"Chasing shadows."
This is too wet to write on,
so that's actually... there's the culprit.
And then he gets mown down
by some random drunk?
What aren't we seeing?
Jesus.
So, this is where you've been hiding.
He was chased by assailants.
Persuasive ones.
- Twisted.
- [forensic examiner] Sir,
neighbors saw three figures
standing over the body
taking pictures of it and talking to it.
Who are these psychos?
A redheaded woman,
a thug in an army jacket,
and a smartly dressed South Asian male.
No one in town would dare
go after The Iceman.
These guys are new.
These guys are different.
He wouldn't pay. He tried to run.
So, The Squire offered him a bottle
of something nice and broken.
Hmm. You iced The Iceman.
- Who's that?
- The Iceman?
Sagar was a hitman.
In his prime, he was one of the best.
I had to check you were the real deal.
And clearly you are.
That's your cut.
I'm glad we've got the foreplay
out of the way.
So, you're giving us a when and where
for the major league shit?
Maybe we should go work for the Albanians.
When the next shipment firms up,
you'll know about it.
Yeah. That all?
No.
It's my birthday,
so go and get cleaned up,
because tonight we're going fucking big.
[upbeat music playing]
Okay. Remember, these guys go hard.
So, don't try to match them
drink for drink.
Exactly. It's the pills
and lines they'll notice.
Let's hope it's not that kind of night.
["We Are Your Friends"
by Justice vs. Simian playing]
Because we are your friends
You'll never be alone again
Well, come on
Because we are your friends
You'll never be alone again
Well, come on
Well, come on, well, come on
It's always one
who can't hold their drink.
And it's the fucking yank!
- Yeah, it is drama.
- You're getting all silly.
- Kat?
- Well, wait.
Harriet, hi. Shit. Oh, my. Hi.
Hello.
[Harriet] Are you... are you okay?
Yeah, I'm great.
I'm just... tonight I'm out
with some colleagues.
Thought you said you couldn't come tonight
because you had an audition?
- Audition?
- Yeah.
You know, the Iceman.
"The Iceman Cometh"? Eugene O'Neill?
- Oh, lovely.
- Who are these birds?
Birds? Wow.
Um, they're just, you know,
some random banker bitches.
- Huh?
- Well, off you pop, girls.
- She's not selling tonight.
- Kat, why don't you come with us?
The fuck do they keep saying Kat?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's a nickname, Ket,
like, you know, Ketamine.
You're doing Ketamine?
- Oh, my God.
- No. No.
No. You should just...
you should just... you should go.
Kat, don't turn to drugs
just 'cause life hasn't turned out
how you hoped.
No one can make a living in comedy.
Oh, fuck off.
I'm actually doing something
incredible right now.
Kat, this isn't a joke.
These aren't our kind of people.
[all gasp]
She told you nice.
[Fly laughs]
Come on. We're going. Going.
[Fly] Fucking fiends.
[upbeat music playing]
Happy birthday, boss.
Right.
So how'd you get in the game anyway?
You?
I've got bodies buried in 15 states.
I don't really do backstory.
I do.
Oh, yeah? What's your story, Roach?
I've traveled, brother.
Ran away from my parents when I was five.
By the time acne was kicking in,
I was a stable boy in Zurich.
That's where I grew entranced
by those beasts' ancient power.
They spoke to me.
I became their agent of destruction,
burning rival barns,
spoiling their smithies.
By the time I'd learned
to palm an ace of spades,
well, Monte Carlo
couldn't come quick enough.
Except it did.
But you sound like you're from the North?
Then I lived in Manchester for years.
If I didn't know you were the real deal,
I'd still think you were full of shit.
[all laugh]
What about you, Squire?
Well, I worked somewhere
where people treated me like shit.
Banker scum.
Yeah.
I guess I felt pretty alone.
Then I met these guys.
I decided to try something new,
something dangerous,
and now I'm not so alone.
How about you, Fly?
My old man was in the game.
Hmm.
He got shot by a copper.
My mom went with this right piece of shit.
Horrible bastard he was.
Proper bully.
I left home when I was 14.
I'd thought I'll make
my own way in the world
so my little girl never has to go through
all the shit that I had to.
You have a daughter?
Yeah.
She's in Portugal.
It's a different life.
It's like the beach after school
and fishing at the weekends.
You got the sunshine.
[Kat] Hmm.
I don't really like people
knowing about her.
Then why'd you tell us?
[phone vibrates]
It's Metcalfe.
[Marlon] Metcalfe?
Who's Metcalfe?
The boss.
He wants to talk.
With all of us.
Let's get cleaned up.
[intense music playing]
[man] No!
No! [grunting]
When we get in there, don't talk to him.
You don't even look at him, all right?
[door opens]
Jenga, Jenga, Jenga, Jenga
What a wonderful game, eh?
A minute to learn,
a lifetime to master.
And tell me,
how many other games are suitable
for teaching important truths
about the human condition?
Order is delicate.
Come on, Fly. Your turn.
Just remember, slightest miscalculation
and everything you've built
comes tumbling down.
Another one.
I heard you pinched from the Albanians.
And then with the help
of the three stooges here,
you sold it back to them?
Bit of a result actually.
No.
Until they ran it through their labs
and found out it was theirs.
Miscalculation, Fly.
- How'd you know?
- They told me.
I'm in business with them.
- You made peace with the Albanians?
- Mm-hmm.
Another one.
I was brokering a deal
to make them my exclusive coke people,
triple my supply.
But suddenly my phone calls
are not being answered.
And I found out it's because of youse,
youse, and youse.
Who the fuck are they?
They're legit.
They did in the Iceman.
Oh, a pensioner who could barely do
his own shoelaces.
Whoopty fucking do.
All right. Look, I fucked up, right?
I'll talk to the Albanians.
That'd be a short conversation, Fly,
'cause they want you dead.
I'll talk to them.
But just in case
I'm not as charming as I used to be,
you'll find me a new supply.
[door opens]
What, you never seen a rat before?
[upbeat music playing]
Pull us out. We're done.
I need a gun.
Listen, you got deeper in two days
than we've managed in two years.
- You can't quit now.
- Metcalfe's fucking insane.
He just killed someone
right in front of us.
- Tell him I need a gun.
- [Billings] I'm escalating this end.
Full tactical unit on standby.
This is gonna be even bigger
than we imagined.
- No.
- Stay in.
[Beverly] Sir?
You're gonna wanna take a look at this.
[chuckles] Sorry. I just always wanted
to say that, so...
Oh, God. What a hoot.
Which department did you come from?
Waterways.
Yeah, rivers, streams.
That's a hell of a promotion.
Is your dad the commissioner or something?
[chuckles] No. Um, it's my uncle.
It's from Surveillance.
[Dawes] What have we got here?
Hello, Skender.
- Baddie?
- He killed my last partner.
Baddie.
Goes into Fly's.
Comes out in one piece.
So does Fly.
It was a sit-down. That makes no sense.
They hate each other.
Nobody could make them...
[intense music playing]
Oh, shit.
[exhales]
Are they in charge?
They execute the Iceman
to make a statement.
Then broker a deal between two rivals
to let everyone know
- that they're the new...
- Top boy.
Yeah, and girl.
- And another boy.
- I understood what you meant.
- Yes. Yeah.
- These guys are not just guns for hire.
They're pulling the strings.
[intense music playing]
Right.
Metcalfe wants a new supply.
Someone we know Stratford way's
had a shipment come in.
- K-Lash?
- Yeah.
What's the deal with K-Lash?
Well, let's just say we have history.
So you're gonna do the deal.
You have a little taste.
If it's good, you buy the lot, all right?
Shosh will drop you.
Are we sure this is it?
Where are street signs?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is that?
If things go sideways, throw in a grenade.
Not a literal grenade.
Out here, what's the difference?
Hey. Are you good?
Look at me.
Are you good?
Yeah, Bonnie. I'm good.
Easiest drug deal ever.
No gyal can tell me
'bout my mother
16 shot, we go longer
than a ladder
Dem nuh fi talk
bout the real don dada
Yo, K?
Put body inna pot dem
a bun like grabba
No boy can diss me or my mother
What?
We're buyers.
You want food, yeah?
No food. Drugs.
[laughter]
How much you want?
Are we talking Colombian? Bolivian?
French?
Did you say French?
Nitro, innit?
- Nitro?
- Nangs.
- Laughing gas.
- No, no.
- We need coke.
- We ain't got no coke. Just nangs.
Oi, buy the gear or fuck off.
Is that even illegal?
Not to possess. Just to supply.
Ozzy, these dickheads are chatting
like feds. Are you lot feds?
Would a fed have this?
[indistinct chatter]
What are you sayin'?
What are you sayin'?
I'm saying we're here for class As,
not party balloons.
So unless you've got
something serious to share,
we'll leave you pricks
to your fucking sleepover.
[both gasp]
[K-Lash] What you sayin' now?
Hmm?
What are you saying now?
Here's what I'm saying now.
Roach.
Roach, fucking chill.
It's a fucking grenade, guys.
[squeaky toy sound]
- [squeaks]
- [laughs]
Oh, mate.
Okay. Run!
[indistinct screaming]
It's locked.
[Hugh screaming]
I can't hold them. Go!
Are you lost?
What the hell?
They're coming! They're coming!
- They're coming!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[indistinct screaming]
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
How did this pass Building Control?
- I always knew it would end like this.
- Okay. Okay. You got us.
Don't shank me. Don't shank her.
Just don't shank any of us.
- Just stop it.
- Shh.
- We're done, yeah?
- [door opens]
Police! Hit the ground!
[indistinct chatter]
Finally.
Where's the coke, huh?
Nangs?
We need help. Marlon's cut.
- Stay still. Stay still.
- Leave it. Leave it.
It only scars if you let it bleed.
What the fuck's this?
Where is the money?
It's here. Jesus Christ.
That's it?
I thought this was big.
It was just a taste.
Oh, fuckin' hell.
Wait.
Where's the tactical unit?
Uh, it's complicated.
Now, get out of here.
I've got to clean this lot up.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're not putting our lives
on the line for a dirty cop.
Oh. You want out, do you?
Go back to comedy
like there's no dead body in the morgue?
You killed a man.
Working for you.
They don't know that. You're deep cover.
As far as they're concerned,
you work for Fly.
[laughs] Fucking idiots.
And I sent you back in
to pay for my retirement.
And I chose actors
because you're the only ones
desperate enough to say yes.
So until I see a real payday,
you're staying in.
- Fuck off!
- You got no choice.
All the files that ID you
as legitimate moles
are encrypted right here.
Go ahead. Take it.
Yeah. [chuckles]
So we understand each other.
I'm getting what I need,
and until then if I say "jump,"
you say "how... "
[gunshot]
[Kat gasps]
Fucking cops.
Let's get him out of here.
Fucking laughing gas?
I had bad intel.
Unlike the piggie wiggie here
who somehow knew to be there.
I think he was tipped.
That's why I went in.
I saw his car outside the club last week.
Someone's flipped.
Ooh.
Hunting season.
The Glorious 12th for Grouse,
and the Partridge in September,
and Pheasants in October,
and it's any fucking time
for rats, right, Fly?
Right.
You know what they say?
Longer the tail, louder the squeak.
What you gotta say for yourself,
young man?
I've got something swinging
between my legs
but it ain't no tail.
And you, young lady, huh?
Obviously, the brains of the outfit.
Charming.
And you, wee man?
Looking forward
to your next bit of cheese, huh?
It's actually an urban myth
that rats like cheese.
Mice do, but rats are actually omnivores.
But you got the fucking mouth for it, eh?
[Fly] Stop.
My guys almost died in there.
It's not them.
Then who's been squeaking to this one, eh?
You dirty piece of... oh.
Hello.
Oh.
[camera shutter clicks]
He only ever called one number.
Phones out.
Now, who have you been talking to,
piggie wiggie?
[automated voice] It has not been possible
to connect your call.
It has not been possible
to connect your call.
I'll find the rat.
Meantime, chop him.
Okay. I'll incinerate the clothes.
You hack. I'll help you dump.
I'll meet you
at Rainham Marshes in an hour.
You okay to jack the ride?
Of course.
Do you need a caddick?
Yeah. Yes, if you got one.
[inaudible dialogue]
Oh, yeah.
Good old caddick.
- Thank you very much.
- That one is weighted for me.
Do you want a lighter one?
Um...
No. I think that should be... should be fab.
- Do you wanna check?
- Check?
On... on the body?
[clears throat]
Just checking the proportions.
You all right?
That's how you use a caddick?
Yeah, it's a house... a house style.
[Shosh makes sound]
Bye.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
- I cannot do this.
- Okay. Just stay calm.
I should have never done any of this.
I should have never listened to you!
Keep your voice down.
Or followed this psycho into a drug deal
waving a knife about
- thinking he's fucking Robert De Niro.
- Bob's an incredible actor.
- You're a liability!
- I had to go all in, Hugh.
Or what? Someone would get hurt?
All I wanted to do
was learn some people skills.
- I didn't wanna put a spike in a body.
- So it's my acting? Right.
'Cause it's really convincing
when you start talking about
- French cocaine!
- Will you both shut the fuck up!
We need the evidence
on the phone, okay?
Until then, we...
play along.
- I can't. I can't anymore.
- Well, you've got to.
You have got to 'cause
they are sniffing for rats
and if we stop now, we're dead.
So, someone needs to...
chop this body up.
[intense music playing]
[chainsaw buzzes]
Let's see De Niro do this.
[Dawes] Yes.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Was the printer not working before?
Officer at the K-Lash scene
confirm a homicide,
and they found prints
that match those
at the Iceman's flat,
our trio were there.
- Forensics coming good for once, huh?
- Our team is world class, man.
- Oh, really?
- I think just generally stop saying...
Saying stuff like that.
Yes, I know what you mean.
In fact, the lab worked overtime
and got us a positive ID on the splatter.
- Sorry.
- He was one of our own.
Poor guy is only one year away
from retirement.
- Always the way.
- You said you'd stop.
That's the last one.
These guys killed a police officer,
they are going down.
Now, we just need to find
these cold-hearted fuckers.
Oh, finally.
Which bit next?
[Kat] Oh, no.
- Shit.
- [phone chimes]
Shit, shit.
- [phone rings]
- [chainsaw buzzing]
- [Harriet] Kat, you're alive.
- Yeah.
Hey. Hey. Don't call the cops.
So, you're okay?
I'm great.
Is that... sounds like sawing?
Yeah, just doing some, um, woodworking.
Well, tools down, babes,
'cause me and the girls
wanna make up with you.
Dinner at mine?
Yeah, sounds great.
- Uh...
- Spot of Din Dins?
I gotta, uh, run some errands.
Uh, so maybe later?
Don't call the cops is the main thing.
You shouldn't waste police time.
Okay, love you.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Done.
Now, how the fuck can we jack a ride?
There's one little trick I've used before.
I was thinking more of a car,
- to be honest.
- Is it really jacking if you pay for it?
Well, I used the company card,
so it still feels a bit naughty.
[Beverly]
Hmm, surveillance aren't so bad after all.
That is our guys.
Let's give them a chance
to do this the easy way.
[sirens wailing]
- Shit.
- Go, go, go!
Oh, they're doing it the hard way.
Stop!
It's the police!
As in you stop!
We're the police.
Obviously not "stop the police."
Follow me.
And we've lost one of them.
We've got runners.
Hot on their tails.
- That's not plugged in.
- Fine.
Fuck.
Split up.
All right, you follow the little guy,
I'll take this one.
Belt. Fucking safety belt.
Get out, get out, get out.
Go.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Come back now.
- Shit, fuck!
Stop, stop cycling.
[car horn honking]
Go back. Go back.
Reverse! Reverse!
What do you think the blue lights are?
You think I'm an ice cream van?
Fucking reverse!
- [car horn honks]
- All right, no, you win.
You win. Jesus Christ.
Go on then. Away you go.
Fill your boots.
It's only a fucking police chase.
Get back in here.
I got you now.
What the fuck?
Ow, ow, oh.
- I'm good.
- You okay?
I'm okay.
Yup, get out of the way then.
He went that way.
He's faster than he looks.
[exhales]
- [sirens wailing]
- [Hugh making sounds]
Oh, fuck!
Sorry!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
For fuck's sake!
Damn, this guy's good.
[grunting]
[phone dings]
[phone chimes]
[Kat grunts]
[Hugh coughs]
Jesus.
What happened?
It's hard to explain.
You fell in the canal?
Oh, I guess not that hard.
So, what now? I mean, we can't go
to the dump spot like this.
- The fuzz are looking for bikes.
- Hmm.
I know where we can get a car.
She's expecting me
for one of her bougie dinners.
It should almost be over.
I'm gonna find the keys.
Stay out of sight.
You need a wingman.
Point, wing, nest.
No.
Stay with the body, look out for trouble.
[sighs]
Katty, you came.
Is it cool I brought a friend?
Well, we're all friends here.
You distract them, I'll get the keys.
Oh, thank God.
I'm starving.
Has it started?
Let us know when she's here.
[Kat] Wait, what?
- Mom, is that...
- Kat, this isn't an intervention.
Wendy, I think it's started.
Now, Kat, we're all here
because we really care about you.
Sorry, who are you?
This is Lotta.
She's an award-winning
Harley Street psychotherapist.
Hi.
Ooh. Thanks.
We just had no idea
how bad things had got.
Nothing's bad.
Everything is fine.
- Is that blood on your face?
- Oh, Evan.
- I'll get your inhaler.
- Kat, your drinking is out of control.
And the company you keep,
I mean, he's clearly stealing something.
I thought it was mine.
[Ellen] The brunch
was worrying enough,
and then the next time
we see you...
[Ruth]
You admitted to taking ketamine.
I know you're trying to give me
the keys to my freedom,
but look at me.
Seriously, look at me.
- I'm an addict.
- Yes. Well done.
[sirens wailing in the distance]
[dog barking]
- Oh, no.
- He likes you.
Nope. Yup. Yeah.
- I have never seen him like this.
- Mm-hmm.
- What have you got in those bags?
- It's...
Nope, just meat.
That's a lot of meat, innit?
Yeah, it's a lot of meat.
Um, I... uh, a butcher gave it to me.
I think he was retiring.
Oh, you wouldn't mind chuckin' him
a scrap then, would you?
I sprained my ankle
and I couldn't quit the meds.
And so, you know,
I got my hands on whatever.
Um, codeine, Vicodin.
Tramadol, Demerol.
Percocet, whiffle dust, monkey tranq,
white girl, all chased down
with cough syrup
and Uncle Jack, and...
Ruth, can you come sit by me?
Of course, darling.
Uh, I need a hug.
Oh, sweetheart.
- Come here.
- I'm so glad. Thank you.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[Kat] Thank you.
Thank you.
I need to save it.
But you've got loads.
I know but I've got a big family.
[Marlon]
Hugh, we've got the keys.
- Let's go.
- Let it go.
- Sorry.
- Let's go.
- [car horn honking]
- Oh, it's my Uber.
- Oh.
- To rehab.
I called it the second I saw your faces.
Finish this, sweetie.
I will, Dad.
- Let's go! Go, go, go, go!
- Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Get in! Get in!
Get in!
- Hugh?
- [Hugh] Yeah, I'm in! I'm in!
Drive!
I'm sorry, man.
Where have you been?
Let's get to work.
Ugh, after we bury this body,
we need to work out
how to get the car back,
wipe off fingerprints,
remove any tracking devices,
and somehow get the keys back inside
the house without ever...
Or that. That works.
I'll drive you home.
Cop's phone's at an electrics shop
in Tottenham Hale, getting hacked.
So, um...
how long does that take to hack a phone?
Not long.
We'll know who grassed on us soon enough.
So, where am I dropping you guys?
Uh...
up here's fine.
Stay.
I wanna show you my place.
Brilliant.
He's fine. He can handle it.
You sure?
Come on. We need that phone.
[door bell chimes]
We're here for the pig's phone.
These fucks need to hand it over.
- Metcalfe's orders.
- First I've heard.
How about I call up Metcalfe so you can
explain to him that you're in charge now?
[phone ringing]
- Fine.
- [woman] Can I take your order?
Upstairs.
Ugh.
That was a fucking day.
Yeah.
So, do you live here alone then?
I'm gonna pour us a glass.
Pinot noir?
Oh, yeah, that would be lovely.
Um, yeah, do you mind if I go
and freshen up?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Gun.
Just a gun.
Oh, thank you.
So...
what do you like?
Oh, well, um, close-up magic obviously.
Um, any type of smoked fish,
uh, games with maths.
Save yourselves a lot of bother.
Last time a worm said no to me
was Afghanistan.
You fought in Afghanistan?
How do you think I got this?
How recently were you there?
Some wounds never heal.
That should have.
Not when it was inflicted by
the sickest torturer in Guantanamo.
Guant...
So, you were fighting with the Taliban?
Beginning to work it out?
I'm the sickest motherfucker you ever met.
[woman on TV] Here we go.
[child on TV] We don't want beans.
We want the Pizza Knight.
[children on TV] Yay! He's here.
By royal decree,
you have summoned the Pizza Knight.
[announcer] Monday Night Football
is sponsored by the Pizza Knight.
From frozen to delicious
in only three minutes.
In the name of the Queen...
we feast.
That guy, he looks just like you.
That guy looks like a knob.
Are you saying I look like a knob?
I'm saying what I'm saying.
Then, we have a problem.
[Pizza Knight on TV]
Magnificent.
You wanna go, big man?
Oi!
What you doing up here?
Oh, I'm a... I, uh, I work for Metcalfe.
- You what?
- It's fine. I work for Metcalfe... whoa!
- Out! Move, bitch, now!
- Excuse me.
You don't need to touch me or anything.
Ah!
[grunting]
Fucking dick.
["It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones playing]
It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun
with anyone
But when I see you hanging about
with anyone
It's not unusual to see me cry
I wanna die
It's not unusual to go out at any time
But when I see you out and about
it's such a crime
If you should ever wanna be loved
by anyone
- It's not unusual
- [man] So, that's who came running.
Hello, rat.
You'll find it happens
all the time
Love will never do
what you want it to
Why can't this crazy love be mine?
Yup?
Walked right into it.
That's what I love about coppers.
Thick as shite.
Oh, you're on a roll you are, Fly.
How could I see this coming?
The Old Bill must have changed
their rules
'cause this lot have been going around
fucking killing people.
You vouched for them.
They are your responsibility.
Why don't you come over tomorrow night
and make a cup of tea for me
and the Albanians?
What? The deal's back on?
I bent to their demands.
And in the meantime...
Ratatouille.
Before my old man died,
he used to work on motors in the garage.
In the winter, rats would come in.
They chewed all the wires
in his transmission,
fucked everything he'd worked on
that summer.
But he didn't get angry.
I asked him why. He said,
"The rats are just doing
what they've got to do."
And later that night,
I saw him drowning rats in a bucket.
And I said, " I thought
you didn't mind the rats?"
And he said,
"I'm just doin' what I've got to."
You understand?
Oh, God.
Oh, fuck, guys.
I'm...
It's okay.
I pushed you into it.
We're all gonna die because I needed
to prove to myself
that I hadn't thrown my life away.
How fucking stupid is that?
No, you might have pulled
this off if it wasn't for me.
Going too far all the time.
[sighs] I'm no De Niro.
I'm no Brando.
My name's not even Marlon, it's Tristan.
My dad's a dentist.
And I played regional cricket.
I'm the Pizza Knight.
Well, now that's all I'll ever be.
I've just been generally shit.
Literally, I have no idea what I'm doing.
All in a pathetic attempt to make friends.
I should've just been myself.
I should've worked in wine.
Rat!
Get up!
Up!
Over there.
[three gunshots]
[gunshot]
[sighs] The Squire needed two.
I don't blame you,
trying to bring Metcalfe down.
The man's an animal.
I might be a crook, but I'm not villain.
And I'm not gonna put another three bodies
in the ground for no good reason.
You know, I knew there was something up
with you lot.
For one thing, I liked you.
Now, you get going. Long gone.
You show your faces around here again,
we're all fucking dead.
All right?
Gone. Now.
[tense music playing]
Okay. So, I found an 11:30
from Gatwick to Costa Rica.
Do we really have to leave?
You wanna spend the rest of your life
looking over your shoulder?
But it's Costa Rica, we can't
just... can't we go to Devon?
[Marlon] This is our opportunity, Hugh,
for a fresh start.
To do whatever we want,
to go wherever we want.
So, you mean we'd have
to say goodbye?
Hey, Hugh. What matters most
is that we're alive, right?
We're safe now.
[officer] Down on your knees.
Down on your knees.
Stay where you are.
Cuff these bastards.
[cheers and applause]
Remember this moment.
This is what it feels like
to take down the big guys.
"Improv comic destroys heckler."
Do you believe us now?
We're not criminals.
Okay. Found it. Here we go.
Um, if you're on YouTube, it's less
of a claim to fame, but I actually asked...
- Yeah. So, can you turn off...
- Yes, sorry. Yes, I will do.
If you're on YouTube,
I actually asked a question
at the 2015 Leicester
Security Conference.
Oh, fuck's sake.
[Kat] Billings realized
we were his ticket to a payday.
That's why there's no evidence
in your system.
The thing about there being
no evidence being your evidence,
is that there's no evidence.
Whereas I do have you on car theft,
drug trafficking, manslaughter, dismemberment.
We've even got a guy
who says you upset his dog.
- I was under duress.
- Duress or no, you did it.
- I could charge you all right now.
- Go on then, big man.
What?
He told our bosses that we're about
to bring in three major players.
Not a bunch of clowns.
- Clowning is an art.
- Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
- I'm gonna give you one chance.
- Yes.
- You don't know what the plan is.
- Carry on.
Blend back in with Fly's crew and go
to the exchange tonight wearing a wire.
Get Metcalfe on tape
confirming his deal
with the Albanians, and maybe
we can talk about immunity.
We can't.
Our cover's blown.
Metcalfe told Fly to whack us.
Then, it looks like this is the end
of the road for you.
No.
We can still get the deal on tape.
How?
[Kat] Fly is looking for a way out.
He's tired of killing, tired of the game.
Right now, he thinks
we're undercover cops.
Who are we to tell him any different?
First rule of improv, always say yes.
We just need to talk.
Okay. So, here's the deal.
You record Metcalfe confirming the terms,
and we'll take him down,
the Albanians, all of them.
It's hard to catch it on the wire.
Ain't a lot of chat goes down
at a handover.
Okay.
Make it happen and we let you disappear.
Go be with your daughter.
Turn rat for the rats, eh?
[suspenseful music playing]
Ah, the "stakeout."
A tale as old as time.
Nice costumes.
Fly's set?
Okay. That's our Albanian friends
and Metcalfe's crew.
Fly is right there with them.
What if they frisk him?
All units be advised,
our players have arrived.
Await my call, repeat, await my call.
[Metcalfe] I'm so glad we could carry on
with our arrangement.
- [Skender] Eh, money is money.
- [Metcalfe] So, a taste?
[Fly] H ow much of this
are you fucking buying?
That's my business.
Let's just get on with it.
All units standby.
- Yeah, it's pure.
- [Metcalfe] Mm-hmm. Okay.
What about the other part of our deal?
[Metcalfe] Oh, he's all yours.
- Sorry, Fly.
- Shit.
Became too expensive to keep you.
No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Shit.
- Send your guys in.
- Not until the exchange.
- They're gonna kill him.
[Dawes]
Yeah. Well, unless they exchange,
I've got fuck all
and I'm not about to blow this operation.
We can't let him die. He saved our lives.
Not until we have it on tape.
- Don't we need him alive?
- No, the tape's enough.
But not even as like... as like a witness?
Well, we've got these three.
[upbeat music playing]
- What are we doing?
- Improvising.
- What the fuck are they doing?
- Oh, my God.
[indistinct chatter]
Could've let me go out on my feet.
[gun cocks]
Nobody move! Nobody fucking move!
Police! Freeze!
Lower you weapons! Please!
What... how do they got these guns?
They're fake guns.
You let them go.
[Kat] Why wouldn't he?
We pay better.
Do it! I beg you.
Cheeky fucker's got two guns.
I will end you right here, right now.
Stand down, Sergeant Petrides.
Inspector, why put me through sharpshooter
training if you never let me...
'Cause I don't want a repeat
of the Dutch Embassy!
This is bullshit, McClary.
Then you, wee man.
You're very quiet and you look
like you're gonna puke.
Yeah. 'Cause I'm imagining the slop
they're gonna feed you in the clink,
you piece of shit.
In fact, wee man,
I'm your only way out of here.
Now I don't care what you small fry
are up to tonight.
You throw us a sweetener from both ends
and I'll turn a blind eye.
But that guy, he's our star witness
for much bigger players.
So he's coming with us.
Why don't I just have him shoot you?
Because I wouldn't be able
to stand down the snipers
ogling all of your fucking ugly foreheads!
[rock music playing]
- Snipe... he just said snipers.
- I'm aware he just said snipers.
- Have we got snipers out there?
- No, we've not got snipers out there.
[speaking foreign language]
[Beverly]
Jesus Christ, this might actually work.
They haven't confirmed it.
He hasn't actually said it yet.
Hey, out of curiosity,
what do we got here, 50 kilos,
five million quid?
Are you a fucking amateur?
This is half a ton for ten million.
- We got him. All units go. All units go.
- Woo.
- Yes!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Why am I thinking more and more that
they're just making this up
as they go along, eh?
If things go sideways.
[Kat] The fuck?
[rock music playing]
[police sirens blaring]
[indistinct chatter]
[gunshots]
[rock music playing]
I can't believe that worked.
You think I was too rude?
What? That wasn't part of the plan.
[gunshot]
[toy gun firing]
Ah, Fly, pull the wrong piece,
it all comes tumbling down.
- I always knew you'd...
- [gunshot]
Fly, I'm sorry. Fuck, I had no choice.
It's all right.
I'd have turned on you too.
Well, I did, didn't I?
We got him immunity
but I think you're on your own.
You should go, Shosh. You should go.
[dramatic music playing]
Wait.
So long, Squire.
[distant sirens wailing and gunfire]
In another life, brother.
We did... we did actually kiss.
It was... it was...
Hey.
So what kind of police carry fake guns?
[Kat] Uh...
fake police.
[sighs]
I knew there was something
double fucked about you lot.
So come on then, who are you, really?
We're improv comedians.
Well, that's fucking weird.
It's mad actually.
I'm more of an actor.
[sighs] Fucking actors, eh?
Here.
You're gonna need this.
[groans] Fuck.
Are you good?
Yes.
[Dawes] Congratulations. Fly touches down
in Portugal this afternoon,
and the heads of London's
two major criminal organizations
have been well and truly severed.
But like a Hydra, a head will regrow...
- I said no to the Hydra...
- It seemed like you were setting it up.
- Just leave it.
- Fine.
Did anyone get away or...?
Shosh, uh, slipped the net.
[Hugh] Oh, good.
Good that you got everyone else.
That's good, isn't it?
So, uh, cheers basically.
This shit got us promoted.
You're now speaking
with Superintendent Dawes.
And Detective Inspector Beverly.
I mean, we didn't really know
your ranks before, so...
These are higher.
So how do you keep us safe?
Do we get new identities?
Well, the challenge is to make sure
that no one knows who you are.
So in this case, just, yeah,
go back to what you were doing before.
So this is Marlon reading
for our biker gang leader, Duke.
Nice idea but do you mind losing the scar?
If only I could.
So I just turned to my boss
and said, "Uh, fuck off."
[laughter]
Well, now, I'm my own boss.
He said, "Those rats are just doing
what they've got to do."
Later that night,
I saw him drowning rats in a bucket.
I said, "I thought
you didn't mind the rats?"
He said, "I'm just doin'
what I've got to do."
Call Francis,
tell him we found our Duke.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Is it true, the undercover mission?
Everybody's talking about it.
You're kind of a legend.
[sighs] Okay. I'm Kat, I'm your teacher.
Let's just jump right in.
Okay. You two, get up here.
[man] Woohoo!
When I clap my hands, the scene begins.
Don't overthink it,
just stay in the moment.
And remember, always,
always trust your partner.
- Yes?
- [crowd] Yes.
And...
["It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones playing]
It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun
with anyone
But when I see you hanging about
with anyone
It's not unusual to see me cry
I wanna die
It's not unusual to go out at any time
But when I see you out
and about it's such a crime
If you should ever wanna be loved
by anyone
It's not unusual
to find out I'm in love with you
Whoa-whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa-whoa, oh-ohh
Whoa-whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh, whoa
Whoa-whoa
[rock music playing]