Delicate Arch (2024) Movie Script
1
[ominous music playing]
[narrator] We emerge
into a panorama from darkness.
Placed inside the parched
badlands of Central Utah,
drained and unforgiving.
Our attention is drawn
to the hanging tree...
-We hear footsteps.
-[footsteps approaching]
[narrator]
The desperate man enters...
[panting]
[narrator]
In a moment, he will fall.
-[huffs, thuds]
-[narrator] Just like that.
Why? Please, no. Wh...
Why me?
[breathing heavily]
Hello?
Hello?
Please.
[narrator]
There's nobody to hear him.
[breathes deeply]
My name is Wayne...
Wayne Carpenter.
I live on Wild Horse Road,
Pocatello, Idaho.
I'm a high school
English teacher.
[narrator] We'll say
he was a bank manager.
I'm a bank manager.
-[static crackling]
-No!
English teacher.
[narrator] Actually,
he was an auto mechanic.
[breathes heavily]
An auto mechanic.
[narrator]
John knew what he had to do.
[metal clacking]
[narrator]
This is what he had to do.
The desperate man burns.
-[music concludes]
-[static crackling over tape]
[car whooshing]
-[cellphone buzzes]
-[sighs]
[coughs]
-[Cody] Finally,
-Oh, shit, Cody!
-You scared me.
-What took you so long?
Did you go up yet?
I was waiting for his majesty,
the great Grant Beverly.
[chuckles] You don't say.
Well, um, shall we?
[Cody] Inversion best practices,
please?
-Oh, shit.
-[Cody] There you go.
Fucking climate change
[Cody] Can you believe
it's supposed to snow later?
Which unit is she in? A? C?
[Grant] No, she's in Unit B.
Weird that you would say "A"
and then go straight to "C".
[Cody] Yeah,
what are trying to say?
[chuckles] Nothing,
I just think it's interesting.
[Cody]
I've gotta hand it to you,
I think it's pretty cool,
how you and Wilda have managed
to stay friends
like this, Beverly.
Well, I've heard maintaining
long-term friendships
is important.
I don't know why,
but that's what they say.
Tell me about it. You know
that I've never been dumped,
but if I had, I definitely
wouldn't be as chill about it
-as you and Wilda are.
-[Grant] Wilda didn't dump me,
it was a mutual parting of ways.
Hmm.
Yeah, I keep forgetting that.
It's probably because people
who say that are full of shit.
Yay! [laughs] Cody! You made it!
Hey, Grant. Hey.
-[Grant] Hey. Hey.
-[Wilda] Hey.
-[dog barking in distance]
-[Wilda] Oh.
I'm so glad we're still going
on this trip together.
[Grant] Yeah, I haven't been
to Arches in like, forever.
They took us down there
for an overnight
in middle school, that may
have been the last time.
They drove you rich brats
all the way down there
from Park City?
-Uh, best practice, Wilda?
-[Wilda] Oh, yeah,
sorry, it was just inside.
[footsteps receding]
-[Cody] Put yours on.
-No.
-[Cody] Yeah
-No!
God, do you guys
remember the last time
there was inversion so bad,
we actually had to leave
town like this? Like, geez.
-[Grant] No, we'll be okay.
-[Cody] The open desert
is our best bet
to avoid the poison air
until the cold weather
can get back on top
of the hot weather.
This is, of course, assuming
that there is enough biocrust
left down there to keep
the sand from swirling around
like it's the fucking dust bowl.
-[Wilda groans]
-[Grant] I don't understand
what the big deal is.
I mean, inversions happen like,
five times a year.
[Cody] Yeah, but this isn't one
of the ones that happens
five times a year,
only once every 30 years.
[Wilda]
No, 27 years is what I read.
[Cody] Where'd you read that?
[Wilda] On a website.
[Grant] And remind me,
why we're not just going up
to the lake with everyone else?
You know, Mel, Franky
and Vanessa said,
it's like spring break
up there right now.
-[Wilda] Aw!
-[Cody] It's because
you don't know shit about
how the world works, Beverly.
Once the inversion breaks
and the air shifts north,
that Bear Lake Air
is gonna be, like, 30 percent
copper-fracking jizz
from Kennecott--
[Wilda] No!
No more climate change talk
on this trip, Cody.
It freaks me out, okay?
-The inversion's bad enough.
-Yeah.
It's like a mini-Chernobyl
fantasy camp weekend
-or something.
-[Cody] Hey, it is not my fault
that there are polygamist UFO
cult forefathers
built this city
in the low valley under what is
the meteorological equivalent
of the Bermuda fucking triangle.
[car beeps]
-[exhales] Did you get gas?
-Yeah, I got gas.
Hey, why'd you park so far away?
Hey, don't worry, Grant.
The desert will be...
will be fun.
You can pretend,
you're on the Star Wars planet.
Which Star Wars planet?
Guessing you probably mean
either Tatooine or Jakku--
No, it's...
it's the sand worm one.
What is that called? Dune?
Huh. That's Arrakis,
and that's not even Star Wars.
-[laughs]
-Jesus, Wilda.
I promise, you do not wanna
get Beverly started
-on his George Lucas bullshit.
-[car engine starts]
I think Grant's kinda cute
when he goes on his little rants
about ass-prick ratios,
-or whatever--
-Aspect ratios!
That's what I said,
ass-prick ratios.
God, you learn so much dating
a film major for three years.
Yeah, it sounds cool
if you like low-T beta cucks
and not super-masculine,
conscientiously progressive
-environmental studies majors.
-Wow.
I can already tell this trip
is gonna be intense. [exhales]
Get it? "In tents."
Oh, no. No, I'm declaring this
evacuation-slash-weekend-getaway
-a pun-free zone
-What? No!
-Yeah.
-Boo! Boo... Boo him, Cody!
-Boo!
-Boo, Beverly fucking sucks.
-What is this piece of shit?
-Careful, that's vintage!
-Yeah, but what is it?
-[Grant] Nothing.
My, my folks had to get rid
of a bunch of stuff.
When they
downsized to the condo.
There was a bunch of cool
old TV equipment
from my grandad's
Channel 2 days.
-Yeah? Does it even work?
-There's no tape in it.
Yo, lemme see.
Whoa!
Do you think
your grandparents ever used this
-to make a sexual tape?
-Ugh.
No, do not make me think
about old people fucking.
Why not? Grant's grandma is hot.
And pee-paw? [blows raspberry]
He's, like,
a legit Salt Lake "8".
They did not let uggos on TV
in the Reagan era.
Wait, no, you're wrong,
there, there's a tape in here.
-Don't mess with it!
-It looks like
we can play it back.
Do you wanna see what's on it--
Don't!
-[laughs]
-Why not, Beverly?
What are we gonna find on here?
Well, he's just worried
because it's fragile.
Well, if it's so fragile
then why are we taking it
to the desert?
Well, um,
I was gonna bring this up later,
but, do you guys remember the
24-hour film thing I sent you?
-No.
-Yeah.
No! We are not doing homework
on this weekend, okay?
This trip is about two things,
and two things only.
One, to practice
being climate refugees
which we will all be
in a few years.
-Ugh.
-And two,
getting rat shit,
fucking hammered
-in the desert.
-[laughs] Yeah.
Well, it's not for class.
It... it's for an analog media
short film festival.
A really cool one,
actually, out of Seattle.
-Mm, cool.
-True, super cool.
Hey, um,
if you think for one second
that we're going to
lug that thing all the way
to Delicate Arch,
you're dead wrong.
Oh, and, uh,
did you remind your cousin
that I was not kidding
about bringing sunscreen?
Yeah.
Although, hopefully they
didn't think it was code
for like, angel dust
or something.
-[sighs]
-[eerie music playing]
[wind whooshing]
Ferg! My Fergie-wergie!
-Wilda! What up, cuz?
-[exclaims]
Don't tell me that whole cooler
is full of booze and drugs.
-[thuds]
-Oh, it is.
This whole cooler
is full of booze and drugs.
Hey, the inversion's
coming down pretty hard,
-don't get any in your eyes!
-[Gran] Just how fucked up
are you planning on
getting down there?
-What, I can't hear you, dude.
-[cooler clattering]
Whoa, automatic!
-[Ferg groans]
-[thuds]
[objects clatter]
-[Wilda] How you doin'? [laughs]
-I'm okay.
[Wilda laughs]
What's that?
[Cody] Fucked up, right?
So, Grant's me-maw and pee-paw
used this to make porn parodies
of CBS Sunday Morning.
[Ferg] Oh, really?
That's cool as hell, dude.
Oh, my god,
have you ever seen that show?
All the anchors look
like they're fucking melting--
-Okay!
-[all laugh]
[Wilda] "Careful, it's vintage!"
[tires screeching]
[Wilda] Bruh,
these influencer bitches
get like, free everything.
I really need some sort of
marketable social media gimmick.
Mm, like what?
I don't know.
Like, what about wellness?
But like, like spooky?
-Spooky wellness?
-[Wilda] Yeah like,
"Put this yogurt
in your pussy hole."
-[laughs evilly]
-[Ferg laughs]
People love Halloween
and people love wellness.
[sighs] Oh!
What do you think
of the name "Creep Heap"?
[dramatic music playing]
[Cody] Fucking social media.
I hate our fucking generation.
We are so detached from like,
reality and ecology and shit.
I mean, fuck us, we suck.
Yeah, but like, dude.
I mean, what if there was
no reality to be attached to?
You know, it's pretty arrogant
to assume that any of this
is actually happening.
Or has,
or will ever happen, you know?
I obviously, consider myself
something of an expert
on transitory states
and being and yo.
I mean, a keen spiritual depth
might actually have the ability
to bend time and space...
-[tires screeching]
-[Cody] Oh, shit, dude!
-What the fuck, ha--
-Beverly?
-[breathes heavily]
-Was there a deer or something?
What, Beverly hit a deer?
Did you guys feel that?
Feel what?
It just changed.
What changed?
I don't know. The... the road?
The... the... the light?
Everything. I...
How long have we
been driving for?
Ah, like, a couple of hours.
Are you okay to drive, dude?
Like, maybe I should drive?
-No.
-No!
Uh, yeah, sure, maybe, yeah.
-Oh, well... [mutters]
-[Wilda] Incoming!
-Just go.
-Okay, let me get out first!
[somber music playing]
[Ferg] Water, dude?
[Grant] I'm fine.
-I guess if you need a second--
-[Grant] I'm fine!
[belt clacks]
Grant, why don't you
grab your camera?
We should be taping this,
for posterity.
Oh, uh, yeah, okay.
Uh, well I guess... like...
Ferg, what are your plans
for this trip?
I mean, on paper,
to escape the inversion.
But if I'm being honest,
my true objective
is to seize the time
to further develop
my own proprietary set
of Theosophical studies. [sighs]
Oh, which, for now I'm calling
"Phase Perception".
And let me guess,
does this research involve
the use
of controlled substances?
I mean, now that you mention it,
-yeah, I did pack a few...
-[laughs]
...holy Theosophical tools.
[laughs]
I just don't understand
why we're not going to the lake?
I mean Vanessa,
Franky and Mel said it's like
-spring break up there.
-That's what they told me!
I have said a million times
why we are going to the desert.
Yeah, but, dude.
I mean, we could be chilling
with like,
the hottest people under 30
in the Salt Lake Valley.
Not shit, fuck alone
in the middle of nowhere
with you two fuckos
and the one token female.
What?
I don't even get a name now?
Okay, you get two names.
The Ferg's cousin
and Grant's ex-girlfriend.
[Wilda] All right, why don't you
"phase perceive" my fist
as I shove it up your ass
and pull out your piss plumbing?
[laughs]
Dude, Grant, your woman
just threatened
-to fist me to death. [laughs]
-Sorry pal,
-she's not my problem anymore.
-[Ferg hoots]
-[Cody] True.
-[Grant] Yeah.
Plus, there's some soil samples
I need to get
up at the arches, anyways.
[Ferg] Oh.
-I thought you said no homework.
-It's not homework...
It's for a...
for a personal project
that I'm working on.
Like how my analog shorts thing
isn't homework, either?
-Wait, what's he talking about?
-Grant wants to make a movie.
How fun! Wait,
is this gonna be like the one
where Cody was in the bathtub
with all the fake blood?
Hopefully not,
Otherwise, you'll have this
stressed out motherfucker
yelling at you
for even daring to breathe!
You were
supposed to be a corpse!
And you just kept making Wilda
just, repeat her line
-over and over and over again.
-Oh my God, Kevin!
Why did you do this?
Why did you do this?
-To me?
-[Cody] To me.
[all laugh]
Do you guys remember when Ferg
almost knocked over
the friggin' light?
[Cody] Grant forgot to put
the other sandbag on it!
-Mm.
-It was an LED light,
you wouldn't have been
electrocuted, probably.
Oh my god, Kevin!
Why did you do this?
-Why did you do this... to me?
-[Ferg laughs] Kevin, aw.
-Mm, mon dieu, Kevin.
-[Cody laughs]
Et pourquoi?
[groans]
[laughs]
Oh, come on, Grant, don't sulk.
I liked that video,
it was actually really good.
Well, it would've been
even better
if you all just listened to me,
instead of constantly
bitching and goofing off.
Oh, boy...
Hey, Grant,
look at me, look at me.
Hey, trust me, Grant,
this trip is gonna be fun.
[music intensifies]
[scream echoes]
[indistinct chatter]
[traditional Chinese
music playing]
[screams]
-Oh, my God, what's wrong?
-Wha... I...
-Where are we?
-What do you mean? We just ate.
Seriously, are you feeling okay?
I'm fine. Sorry, I just...
I'm a...
I'm a little dizzy, I guess.
-[Ferg] Oh, hey.
-[pills rattling]
I mean here, take these.
Um, I don't know
if that's a good idea.
-What are they?
-Oh, don't worry about it, dude.
We just gotta get
your orgone back to stasis.
-Maybe I should just take one?
-[Cody chuckles] Yeah.
'Cause Beverly
is such a drug milksop,
that you'd probably kill him.
Stop calling me Beverly!
Ferg, tell this asshole
how fucked up all his
gendered name calling shit is.
Wait, why is that my job?
-Grant, don't!
-[Ferg] Hell yeah, dude.
That is what
I'm fuckin' talking about!
-[sighs]
-This could be a real problem
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, if he starts
to freak out, I'll just gag him
with one of these choppy boys
and make him barf
-them shits right up--
-Careful!
You're gonna stab
my eyes out with that thing.
-[Ferg] Sorry.
-Come on, it's getting late.
We should go.
[Ferg] Wait.
-Hey, let me read the fortune...
-[footsteps receding]
[door bell chiming]
[narrator] We linger
for a breath to remember exactly
what this moment looked like...
[car doors shutting]
-[indistinct chatter]
-[suspenseful music playing]
[narrator]
The four happy campers
pull out of their spot
and disappear...
-[Cody laughing]
-[narrator] ...out of frame.
[eerie music playing]
I don't see anyone,
shouldn't there be like
a sticker or a slip of paper
or something?
[Cody]
Forget about it, just go in.
[sighs] All right.
[Wilda] Guys,
it literally says "No camping".
-[crowd] Nerd!
-[Cody laughing]
[Wilda] Okay, fine.
We'll go past the sign
that says "No camping".
A 43-year-old school teacher
from Pocatello, Idaho,
who has now been missing
since Thursday evening.
-Authorities are baffled by--
-[button clicks]
God, this is so creepy.
Well, like you said,
everybody went to the lake.
Yeah, but still there should be
someone else here, right?
Well, it doesn't really matter
'cause we're going off the grid.
-Back to nature.
-[Ferg] This is sick,
I mean we can literally do
whatever we want out here.
[cheers] The desert is ours!
"Don't do it Kevin,
you have so much to live for!"
[all laugh]
Hey, wake up, Grant.
-[groans]
-Um,
why are there only two tents?
Oh, I didn't bring one.
I was just gonna sleep out
under the stars
and vibe with the fauna
like a fucking G, dude.
Uh... oh...
Whoops, I think I accidentally
brought two sleeping bags
and no tent.
-So--
-Great, so what's the plan then?
Well...
Whatever you two geeks decide,
we best get situated
before nightfall.
I mean, my tent's pretty big
and it's not like
we haven't, you know--
I don't think
that's a good idea.
No, yeah, totally.
We, we agreed we wanted
to keep things cool between us.
With simple,
clear boundaries, right?
Totally, totally.
-[chuckles]
-[Wilda chuckles]
Um, well
you take the tent then.
I'll just... I'll sleep
in the back of the truck.
Oh, no,
I'll take the car, it's cool.
-Suit yourself.
-[chuckles] Yay.
Um, and I'm, I'm totally gonna,
fill it with queefs and farts,
okay?
-Okay, great, perfect.
-[Wilda laughs]
[laughs]
Uh, what's Ferg doing now?
-Yeah, get some!
-[Wilda laughs]
Must run in the family.
It... it does, actually
It's... It's kind of a serious
medical condition
that needs more awareness.
So, spread the word.
[crickets chirping]
What'd you see up there?
[Ferg] Uh, miles and miles
of fuck-nothing. [laughs]
So, dude, like what's going on
with you and Cody lately?
You know it's,
it's a real bummer
seeing you guys
be such dicks to each other--
I, I don't know
what you're talking about.
I mean, I don't like
this version of you guys, I...
You know, I like the version
that calls in
fucking bomb threats on the
Ogden Valley Church Ball League,
-dude.
-Oh, yeah, that was...
that was just to get some
swat team B-roll
-for a class project.
-Oh, yeah?
Got an "A" on that project, too.
-See? You guys are legendary.
-[wolf howling]
[ominous music playing]
[wolf howling]
So, it turns out, the woman
that we thought was being chased
by all these
mindless cell phone zombies,
is actually--
A child killer whose mind
is being erased each day
-just to torture her?
-[laughs]
Well, fuck...
if you guys knew the whole story
then why'd you let me sit here
and go on and on
like an asshole?
Well, to be fair I don't know
if telling the plot
of an old Black Mirror episode
really counts as a ghost story.
Well, apparently,
I am not allowed to talk about
what's actually scary like,
oh, I don't know,
the fact that we won't have
any potable water on the planet
-by the year 2040--
-[all] Boo!
And what about Ferg?
All they did was
read the Wikipedia article
for the Slender Man killings,
word for word.
Uh, you don't think
that shit's scary?
Mm-mm.
Must be nice
No, I'm serious I mean, that's,
that's a textbook example
of magical thinking IRL.
Of pulling a constructed image
and making it manifest
-into our reality, like--
-[coughs] Please, no, I can't.
You're up, Wilda.
What? Oh, I don't,
I don't know any ghost stories.
Come on, you got to tell us
one, even if it sucks.
Seriously, I don't know any.
You should tell them
about how you grew up
next door to a serial killer.
[sighs]
You are such a dick, Grant.
What? When? I didn't know that.
Honestly, it's like the single,
most interesting thing
-about you.
-[exhales]
It's not even like a story,
okay? It's just a fact.
Okay, so my family lived
in Brigham City,
for a couple years
when I was growing up.
And the guy who lives
in the house next to us...
I guess he, like,
killed a couple people.
But like, not even
in the house we lived by.
Richard Cruz Debussy.
He was legit, Last Podcast
even did an episode on him.
Look it up, Ferg.
[Ferg] Okay.
I got it.
Richard Cruz Debussy
AKA the "Loop Slayer"...
[imitates ghost noise]
...was an American serial killer
active in Nevada
and western Utah from...
Holy shit, dude!
I remember this.
-He escaped from prison, right?
-Yeah, a week before
he was supposed to go in front
of the firing squad, too.
-They never caught him either.
-They never caught him?
-Fuck. [laughs]
-[laughs]
He was already really old,
though.
There's no way he's alive now.
What makes you
such a fucking expert?
It was big news!
And, and my grandpa,
he, he won
the Rocky Mountain Pulitzer
for reporting on the trial.
right before he retired
from Channel 2.
Guys, this isn't, like,
fun for me, okay?
I can see this guy
in my memory...
He had these big glasses...
weird mustache...
[somber music playing]
He always wore this big,
green hunting jacket
in the middle of winter.
He'd wave at us from his mailbox
while we were playing outside...
It's weird, I don't know,
it's like creepy flashbacks
from some shitty horror movie.
Interesting. What if they are?
What?
What if they are just
bad horror movie flashbacks?
[chuckles] I don't know.
I don't understand.
Okay, like this, right now.
What if we're actually
in a horror movie?
Four annoying college kids,
alone in the desert,
just waiting
to get picked off, one by one.
Don't you think
it's a little convenient,
that we're the only ones
out here?
Grant, don't.
You know how tweaked out
Ferg gets with all that
Philip K. Dick "questioning
the nature of reality" shit.
I mean, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
"Phase Perception."
A million different things
could show up
and kill us at any moment.
Like, a hoard
of irradiated zombies.
You know, Central Utah
is where like, 90 percent
of America's toxic waste
is stored, right?
-Jesus, fuck no!
-[Wilda] Or aliens.
I mean, Area 51
is not too far from here.
Oh, man, fucking aliens?
You know those guys
fucking love the desert.
-Guys, can we not?
-No, Wilda's right.
The Four Corners
are a legendary UFO hotspot.
Why do you think
all these satanic biker cults
like it around here so much?
Uh, satanic biker cults, huh?
[sniffs] But why?
-[Wilda laughs]
-Jesus Christ, you guys
are the biggest group of fucking
idiot nerds on the planet.
-Actually. [chuckles]
-[laughs]
I'm the stock geek protagonist.
You're the alpha-jerk bully.
Ferg is the stoner comic relief.
And Wilda...
-Wilda is "the girl."
-[Ferg laughs]
I am not just "the girl."
That's exactly what
that kind of underwritten
-female character might say.
-[Ferg chuckles]
"I'm not just the girl."
That's classic. [chuckles]
Let me guess the twist ending.
You go around and cut
each of our heads off, huh?
No, that would be "hack."
-What's that dick donut for?
-[Ferg laughs]
This is reflective tape.
I'm gonna use it to mark off
our campsite before lights out.
Make sure no wild animals
enter here.
What, are you scared?
It's not for our protection,
it's for theirs.
Let's call it.
We got a big hike tomorrow.
[Ferg] Oh, okay.
-Good night.
-[Wilda] Good night.
-[Ferg] Good night.
-[Cody] Good night.
So, we're still just...
keeping things cool?
[chuckles] Yeah.
With simple, clear boundaries.
[sighs]
-[pensive music playing]
-[crickets chirping]
-[sighs]
-[cellphone clicks]
[fire crackling]
[Cody snores]
[indistinct chatter]
[dark music playing]
[crickets chirping]
[yawns]
[thrilling music playing]
-[Wilda] Boo!
-[Grant screams]
-[laughs]
-Don't do that!
I just thought a little
jump scare might wake you up.
I know how much you love 'em.
Who else is hung over?
The trick is to stay hydrated.
-I like your pants, Ferg.
-[Ferg] Oh, thank you.
these are my shark shorts,
an unholy sigil
to give me shark powers
for our hike today.
-Sick.
-All right.
Who's ready to see
this fucking arch?
Perfect! Everybody brought
hiking boots, I hope.
[sighs] You're not wearing
those fucking shorts, are you?
[pensive music playing]
[Wilda] Wilda
and the very happy campers
crested the switchback
into view.
Breathing heavily,
reeking terribly.
Secreting from their pores,
the foul smelling remnants
of last night's booze and drugs.
An olfactory salute
to fearless living.
The bottle of wine
in Wilda's backpack
certainly wasn't growing
any less heavy
as Cody's ceaseless death march
to Delicate Arch continued.
[Cody] Are you seriously
planning on doing the whole hike
in that weird voice?
Because it's super annoying.
[Wilda] Said Cody, all the while
silently contemplating
his tiny little cock and balls.
[gasps] I have... to rest.
We've already stopped,
like ten times.
No, come on, let's take a break.
Wilda had never sweat so much
in all her goddang life.
And for the first time
since arriving in the desert
her buzz was completely gone.
-This made Wilda very sad.
-Aw, don't worry, cuz.
I'll carry you
the rest of the way.
-Hey. Be careful! Be careful!
-[Wilda grunts, laughs]
Okay, put me down! Put me down.
[Ferg] Hey, you know what?
I wanted to wait
until we got to the arch
but I kinda think
if we take these now,
we might be able to time
our peak to hit
right when we get
to the bowl up top.
What, you brought mushrooms?
Yes! [chuckles]
Of course, I brought mushrooms.
I'm the lovable stoner, right?
-[chuckles]
-Well, "lovable" wasn't
necessarily part
of your character description.
Do we seriously have to do this?
This is just gonna slow us down.
You need to chill out,
dude, or else,
we're all gonna fuckin' mutiny.
-Fine.
-[chuckles]
If it shuts you up.
[Ferg] Hey, have you ever
tried mushrooms?
No, I... I don't like mushrooms.
Yeah, well, they're not like,
on a fucking pizza, dude.
You gotta start partying,
like, now.
Or else you're gonna turn
into a fucking pumpkin
like you did yesterday.
Come on.
Fine, fuck!
[Wilda] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's way too many.
-Dude!
-Oh, my god!
They're like those Harry Potter
jelly beans that taste like
-farts and boogers!
-[Wilda] Come on, Cody's right.
We should try
to make to the arch
before shit starts to get weird.
Said Wilda, graciously
offering to lead the way.
Okay.
[pensive music playing]
[Wilda] If you're doing
a story of my ass,
-I'll fucking kill you.
-[Ferg] Gross, I would never.
[Cody] You know,
it's particularly fucked up,
since you two are blood related.
[Ferg] Nah, the incest taboo
is just a fucking
bougie societal construct, dude.
No. It exists to help strengthen
the genetic diversity
-of the herd, man.
-[Ferg] Whatever.
Hey, how you doin'
back there, Grant?
[Cody] Hey Ferg, be careful
walking backwards--
-[Ferg] Nah, I'm good.
-No, be careful--
-Nah, I said I'm good. [grunts]
-[Cody] There you go.
[Ferg] Ow!
[ominous music playing]
[static noise chatter]
Now you're pretending
to be confused on purpose.
My point is, if aliens do exist,
why do we always assume that
they would wanna try
and contact us humans?
So, what are you saying, then?
That they rather talk
to computers? Whales?
Try fucking coral reefs, dude.
If you look at the earth
from outer space,
it's like, mostly fucking
water, dude. [grunts]
-[laughs] You sound like Cody.
-[Cody] Hey.
And I mean, who's to say
that the extraterrestrials
wouldn't be aquatic themselves,
like...
like Edric the Guild Navigator.
Right, Grant? [laughs]
-Huh.
-[Cody] So, wait.
You think that that means coral?
It depends if their brains
are just one big jelly muscle
like ours or...
or if it's spread out
across their whole nervous
system, dude.
I think Grant's gonna puke.
[retches]
[sinister music playing]
[Cody] You know. [grunts]
Ferg is right about one thing.
That people's relationship
to their environment
shapes what they value,
how they interpret
the world around them.
[Wilda] Guys, should we be
worried about Grant?
He looks not, uh, great.
[Cody] I read this article about
a commencement speech
a few years ago, right?
And it was about
these two adolescent fish
and they're swimming
through a river
minding their own business.
And... and this, uh,
This older fish,
he comes up to them,
and he says,
"How's the water, boys?"
And he swims away.
[chuckles] And these two
adolescent fish, they turn,
they turn to each other,
they look each other in the eyes
and they say...
"What the hell is water?"
-[Wilda laughs]
-[Cody laughs]
[Wilda] Grant stops to search
for our face,
staring out into nothing,
with two drooling,
drugged mouths.
-[wolf howling]
-[Grant] Did you hear that?
It was a... it was a woman.
She said,
"Once again,
Grant has his back turned,
staring off into nothing with...
with two eyes
made out of drooling,
drug mouths."
That was it, word for word.
[Cody] It was Wilda.
[Wilda] No, it wasn't.
It wasn't me. [chuckles]
[Ferg] Yeah,
like immersive theater.
There was this installation
in Spain.
It was like, a pop-up
house party thing basically.
-And at first, it seems like...
-[Grant] Where... where are we?
...a normal party, food, drinks.
A DJ playing super fast EDM,
lots and lots of people.
And you just kind of hang out
in that room for a while,
and then, you get like,
kind of pushed into
an even...
like a slightly smaller room,
where there's less food,
not as much to drink,
and the music is like, slower.
-More sparse and minimalistic...
-[Grant] This...
...and you're in the
second room...
...this isn't Arches!
and then like, without
even fricking noticing,
you're like,
in an even smaller room.
-And then--
-[Ferg] Dude, shit!
Are those buzzards?
[buzzards screeching]
Until suddenly, you were
in a closet, all by yourself,
holding a hand mirror
with a note written in Sharpie
across the glass,
"Koko Kara Deru."
[suspicious music playing]
-What's that mean?
-[Wilda] I think it means,
"Leave through here"
in Japanese.
Or "Get out of here."
[static noise chatter]
[Wilda] Before we get back
to civilization,
I'm gonna need you to delete
anything that could end up
on some creepy jack-off Reddit.
Chill out, I'm just playing
around with some new filters.
-[Cody] Yo, can I see them?
-Yeah.
[Grant] Did you guys ever see
the movie Midnight Special?
There's this idea in it,
of another world
-built on top of our world.
-[Cody] Jesus Christ.
My man takes drugs one time
and immediately becomes Ferg.
-[laughs]
-Like, it's just sitting there
on top of our reality.
Another world that our reality
wears over itself.
Like a... like an invisible
ski parka or something.
-Do... does that make sense?
-[Cody] Come on, guys.
Can we just get to this
goddamn rock already?
These mushrooms have added
like an hour to this thing.
[Wilda] We are, chill out.
-Dude.
-[Ferg] Spelunking.
-[Cody] Don't call me "dude."
-[Ferg laughs]
And watch your step
right here, this...
-"Watch your step right here!"
-"Watch your step right here!"
[Cody] Don't mimic me, please.
-[Wilda] "Don't mimic me!"
-I'm not mimicking you,
I'm just repeating it.
[Cody] I got it.
[grunts]
[exhales]
It's so beautiful out here.
[pensive music playing]
We are at the halfway point
of Delicate Arch.
Yeah, no shit, dude and we still
gotta climb back down.
No. Delicate Arch, the movie.
[Cody] You know, this area
is considered sacred
by this region's, uh,
indigenous people.
The Pueblos, the Hopis,
the, eh, Utes. The Utes.
They thought that
these arches were portals
to another time and space.
If you walk behind the portals,
you essentially enter
a dream world.
[indistinct chatter]
[soft music playing]
[static noise chatter]
[reporter] It is the convergence
in time and location
of two great migrations.
[static noise chatter]
-[crickets chirping]
-[tree branch snapping]
[sniffs, sighs]
[birds chirping]
[ominous music playing]
-Jump scare! [grunts]
-[screams]
I hate that!
Jump scares are so cheap
and stupid.
Only 'cause I made you
shit your pants.
A sudden burst
of noise or motion
promoting an involuntary
physiological response
isn't fear.
It's just superficial
animal instinct.
You keep talking like a nerd,
I'm gonna beat you up
and take your fucking lunch
money like a nerd, too.
Ouch!
[sighs]
-[sighs]
-Hey, go grab the others.
I think I have an idea
for a movie.
[Ferg exhales]
[Wilda giggles]
[Grant] Okay, and the hand
reaches uselessly.
It can't get the cigarettes.
Continues to reach uselessly.
Continues to reach, and...
-Cut!
-[gasps]
[laughs] Oh, my god.
-Hey, that was fun.
-[Cody] Yeah, that was good.
[chuckles] I don't think
I get it though, still.
What is it like, uh,
an addiction metaphor?
Maybe, I don't know,
it's mostly just the best idea
I could think to do
with what we have to work with.
Well, it's not like you care,
but I thought the whole thing
was pretty "meh."
We could have chosen
a more dynamic location,
like the hot springs.
No, I didn't write anything
like that into this idea.
[Cody] What do you mean?
You just came up
with this "idea" like
-five seconds ago.
-No!
If it's not motivated,
and it's not in the frame,
then it doesn't exist.
-[crow cawing]
-[Grant sighs]
But I guess we could still do
Ferg's zombie thing instead.
-Yes!
-[Wilda] Uh, no.
we're not cutting up
our foreheads
just for your video.
Why not?
Wrestlers do it all the time.
Yeah, I'm down! I'm down!
[chuckles]
-No!
-No!
[ominous music playing]
[Cody sighs]
Hey, we need to talk.
Oh. Yeah, sure.
Where's Grant?
[Wilda] I don't know.
[indistinct chatter]
[Grant whispers] Fuck.
Grant?
[Grant] Yeah?
[Wilda] Uh, we need a favor.
Wh... what is it?
We were just wondering
if we could use your car
to go into town for just,
like, an hour?
What, why?
Turns out this guy from my fluid
mech intensive is down here too.
And he just texted me
and told me that
he's got a bunch of extra Molly,
which he can hook us up with
-if we want any.
-Which we do.
I don't know,
I was kind of hoping
maybe we would
just chill out tonight.
Me too, that's exactly
what Molly is, Beverly.
Chilling out.
[sighs] Okay fine,
let's all go. I'll drive.
Afraid not.
Fluid Mech is only gonna deal
with somebody he knows.
Alone.
[scoffs] Why--
Then why is Wilda going?
Because...
P.G.D.
P.G.D? Wha... what's that?
[Wilda] "Pretty Girl Discount."
Cody thinks Fluid Mech will
give us like 20 percent off
-if we use...
-Yeah.
...my toothsome cutie pie smile
to vex and beguile
his base male instincts.
-[Grant] Ew! No.
-[laughs]
-Tha... that's so gross. No way.
-Please? Pretty, pretty, please?
[sighs]
Okay, fine. Whatever.
Just text me so I know
everything goes okay.
[Cody] You got it, man.
Thanks
-I'm gonna go get my wallet.
-Thanks.
Wilda, can I ask you something.
Promise you won't get mad?
Okay. [chuckles]
Yeah, what is it?
Well, like.
[scoffs] What's going on
between you two?
You two who?
You and Cody. Like...
It's okay if you're hooking up.
All right, I'm not jealous,
it just, it sucks that
you'd hide something
-like that from me.
-Oh, my god.
[scoffs] Grant, can you give me
more credit than that?
I don't care, I'm not like
obsessed or anything.
It's just kind of immature,
-is all.
-[sighs] Grant.
Please don't start
some weird drama.
I'm not!
You're the one sneaking around,
going off on your secret little
-Molly missions together.
-Grant, we talked about this.
For hours and hours, we talked.
We laid all the ground rules.
And I feel like
you're doing it again.
This fake shit,
trying to act all cool.
I mean, come on, just friends
is what we talked about,
-and you promised me.
-We are friends!
-You promised me.
-I know what I promised.
-I know that I did.
-You were the one who wanted to
-break up with me, remember?
-Whoa, what the fuck?
-Wilda, we both decided.
-[Wilda] No!
No, I'm not gonna argue
with a crazy person.
Okay, stop! Okay, look.
Look, I'm the one that finally
brought it up,
but you were totally checked out
of the relationship for months.
That's not what
I'm talking about.
I'm talking about
the creeping around.
The following me.
-The watching?
-I'm sorry,
I just wanna know
what's up with you.
That you're okay.
You're my fucking friend,
you know?
Cody too.
[sighs] Whatever.
Enjoy the truck.
Fuck you.
You okay, dude?
I'm fine.
[Ferg] Ah, shit, man. [sniffles]
I mean, this is roughing it.
You know, this dusty boy's
our last brew dog.
Hey, when are Cody and Wilda
coming back with the re-up?
I don't know.
About ho...- how long ago
did they leave?
Uh...
Fuck. [chuckles]
My battery's dead. You got
a remote charger or something?
Yeah, in... the truck.
My phone, too.
Oh, so what?
We're phoneless?
Fucking phoneless bitches, dude?
Why aren't they back yet?
Like, should we be worried?
Oh, you think
it was the zombies?
Shut up.
Or, hey, maybe it was
the aliens, or fuck,
-the apocalypse bikers, dude?
-Knock it off!
Hey, like you said,
we're near skinwalker, right?
Stop! Just be quiet.
[Ferg] Or maybe...
What if we unlocked
something at the arch?
You know,
Cody said it was a portal.
Shut up! Just shut the fuck up.
[pensive music playing]
I'm sorry, I just...
I wanna know
what's up with them.
Like, what's taking them
so goddamn long?
We should try
and calm down, okay?
Got any ghost stories?
No.
I'm not really in the mood.
[wolf howling]
[sighs]
[tree branch snapping]
Hello?
[sinister music playing]
Ferg?
Ferg!
Ferg!
Ferg, wait!
[breathes heavily] Ferg!
[grunts]
[static noise chatter]
Wait!
[screams]
[pants]
-[explosions]
-[gasps]
Ferg. Ferg!
[ominous music playing]
[disembodied voice]
[gasps]
[gasps]
[pensive music playing]
[grunts, groans]
[grunts, groans]
[exhales]
[groans]
[coughs, inhales sharply]
[groans, snuffles]
-[tense music builds]
-[pants]
[wind whooshing]
Cody? [pants]
Wilda?
-[whimpers]
-[Ferg] Where were you?
What the hell are you doing?
I'm-- I'm here. Stop shaking me!
I'm here.
What were you doing in my tent?
Were you trying
to take my camera?
No, you weren't here.
You were not here.
[pants] I think, uh...
[continues panting]
...I passed out.
There was, like...
a fucking city out there.
What did you slip me last night?
I told you. Nothing--
Now, I need to know.
Why weren't you
in your tent last night?
Because I was looking for you!
You fucking moron drug addict!
Your brains are so fucked,
you were sleepwalking around
like a fucking asshole!
[breathes sharply]
-There's no more water?
-Yeah, we're out of everything.
Cody and Wilda are still gone?
[Ferg] Yeah, and they have
all our keys,
and our phones,
and all our shit too! [sniffles]
-Okay.
-[Ferg breathing sharply]
And we need to calm down, okay?
I'm sure they'll be back soon,
they have to be.
[brooding music playing]
You said I was sleepwalking?
Yeah
[breathes shakily, sniffles]
-What the hell are you doing?
-I'm gonna look
-for Cody and Wilda.
-Ferg!
No! There's no more water.
It's too far, and it's supposed
to get really, really hot today.
You were right about
this being a fucking
-horror movie, dude. [inhales]
-[Grant scoffs] Don't be stupid!
I was just
fucking around with you!
[Ferg] No, you weren't
just fucking around!
[in hushed voice] You weren't.
I knew you felt it,
but now I feel it too, dude.
And Cody and Wilda?
I mean, what?
They're just, like,
sitting ducks out there?
-Are you fucking for real?
-[Ferg] Exactly!
[inhales, in hushed voice]
Am I fucking for real?
[smacks lips] I don't know.
[pants] Or, you know...
[snuffle] ... maybe... [inhales]
[smacks lips] Hey, maybe
my existence started
when you guys pulled up in a car
right out front of my house.
Or... [breathes heavily]
Or whoever's house that was,
you know, that-- that-- that--
that the film crew rented
to use as a location
for the movie that we're in--
Okay, you are on
too many fucking drugs.
-No, I'm not. [pants]
-Cut it out
with the metaphysical bullshit,
okay?
Look.
Don't go. Okay?
What am I gonna do here
by myself?
I don't know! I don't know.
I just know that I need
to leave, like, right now.
Ferg, please.
I have a really bad feeling
about this.
[Ferg] No, get outta my way!
-[groans]
-So, we're in a horror movie?
So what?
What do you think happens
to the main characters
when they all start going off
one by one?
-We need to stick together.
-Fuck you, dude!
And let me out.
Look, I just need to leave.
-[pants]
-Okay.
Well, I have to stay.
[scoffs] Why?
[in hushed voice] Why?
Come with me, please!
I can't.
Fuck! [inhales deeply]
Okay! [sighs]
Then I'll just
see you later, huh?
I'll just see you later.
-[footsteps receding]
-[clicks tongue]
You're making a huge mistake!
[sinister music playing]
[groans, hisses]
[exhales, pants]
[breathes sharply]
-[firewood clattering]
-[Grant breathing shakily]
[hisses, snuffles]
[breathes shakily, snuffles]
[exhales]
[sighs]
[firewood clattering]
[Grant panting, snuffling]
[groans, hisses]
[groans, breathes shakily]
[spits, pants]
[snuffling, hissing]
-[marker sticks clattering]
-[Grant breathing sharply]
[groaning, breathing sharply]
[continues groaning]
[hisses, breathes sharply]
[snuffles]
[grunts, breathes sharply]
-[inhales, sighs]
-[marker stick thumping]
[pants]
[breathes sharply]
-[marker stick thumping]
-[breathes shakily]
[tape snaps]
[breathes sharply]
[breathes heavily]
[grunts, pants]
[exhales heavily,
continues panting]
[music intensifies]
[electric buzzing]
[high-pitched buzzing]
[buzzing continues]
Who? [whimpers]
-[groans, screams]
-[high-pitched screaming]
[Grant continues screaming]
Fuck you!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
-[insects chirping]
-[pensive music playing]
[Ferg] Cody! Wilda!
[mutters] What the fuck!
[car beeps]
[car ignition clicks, turns]
-[engine cranking]
-[Wilda] What's zee problem?
Did zee fart mobile
run out of zee farts, blegh!
It just needs a second.
Fucking Grant's car sucks
as bad as his shitty movies
Uh-oh! Vadda you think,
Creap Heap?
Zee car is dead.
Shall we bail und flail?
Or shall we stay and filet?
Leave your creepy comment
below, ah ah ah!
[Cody] You know,
I don't really get it
Are you supposed to be,
like, the Count
from Sesame Street or something?
Mm, more like Elvira or Vampira.
Or like a sexy, um,
cryptkeeper, I guess?
-[inhales, squeals]
-[chuckles]
Well, are you
German and Hungarian?
Because your accent
just keeps going back and forth.
Look, the Creap Heap
is a work in progress, okay?
[huffs] Okay. [sighs]
-Fucking Grant!
-[car horn honks]
Of course, you've got six tons
of stage makeup in your car
and zero roadside repair kits.
Get outta my face.
Just think how bored we would be
if he did not.
[sighing] Ugh!
How long have we been
-stuck out here?
-Fifteen minutes?
An hour? Two hours?
Like, I literally
don't know anymore.
-[Wilda sighing]
-[ominous music playing]
[Cody] Holy shit,
are these guys for real?
[Wilda] What?
Are these guys, right here,
are they fucking for real?
-What is happen--
-[zombies snarling]
-[Wilda] Oh, my God!
-[Cody] Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
-They're for real.
-[Wilda speaking indistinctly]
-[Cody] Shit. Shit! Fuck!
-[hand banging]
-[glass shattering]
-[indistinct clamor over phone]
-[Wilda screaming]
-[shouts indistinctly]
-[speaks indistinctly]
-[zombies snarling]
-[screams]
-[glass shattering]
[breathes heavily]
[Wilda] Did zee fart mobile
run out of zee farts? Blegh!
It just needs a second.
Fucking Grant's car sucks
as bad as his shitty movies.
[Wilda sighing]
How long have we been
stuck in here?
[huffs] I don't know,
15 minutes?
An hour? Two hours?
I literally don't know.
[motor bike approaching]
[Cody] What the f--
Who the hell are they?
-Ah, ah ah!
-[Cody] No, no, I'm serious.
Who, who the hell are they?
Shit! Shit!
-[Wilda whimpering] Oh, my God!
-[Cody shouting indistinctly]
[breathes heavily]
-[Wilda screaming]
-[Cody] Fuck!
-[speaks indistinctly]
-Shit! [whimpers, exclaims]
[indistinct shouting]
-[screams]
-[group continues shouting]
[indistinct clamor
over cellphone]
[indistinct clamor
over cellphone stops]
[pants]
[hushed voices]
[narrator]
Ferg steps into their fate...
and in seeing their face,
now sees ours...
-[pants]
-[dramatic music builds]
[narrator] Together they burn.
[menacing music builds]
[gasps, breathes heavily]
-[groans]
-[brooding music playing]
[pants]
[breathes shakily]
[pants]
[pants]
[continues panting]
[continues panting]
[pants]
-[whimpers]
-[Cody speaks indistinctly]
-[Wilda sobbing]
-[Cody] I can't get the camera!
[pants]
-[Wilda pants]
-[Cody pants]
-[Wilda whimpering]
-[zombie snarls]
[pants, groans]
-[screams]
-[glass shattering]
[Wilda speaking indistinctly]
[zombie growls]
-[glitches]
-[Wilda screaming]
[groans] No! Oh, ah! [pants]
[groans] Fuck!
[continues groaning]
[hisses, pants]
Fuck! [continues panting]
[sinister music playing]
-[button clicks]
-[camera beeps]
[Grant panting]
Ferg!
Jesus
Christ!
I got you. [grunts]
-[bones crackle]
-[pants]
-Ferg...
-[Ferg grunting]
-[music builds]
-I'm sorry, Ferg.
[pants]
No, don't look at them!
[exclaims]
[groans]
[breathes heavily]
What
are you doing?
No! Fuck, dude!
Don't!
-[rock clatters]
-[groans]
[gasps]
[creepy music builds]
Cody?! Wilda?!
-[handbrake clicks]
-[engine revs]
[somber music playing]
[engine stalls]
[retches, coughs]
[unsettling music builds]
[Grant coughs, muffled]
-[grunts]
-[indistinct chatter over TV]
[breathes heavily]
[pants]
[water dripping]
[exhales heavily]
[breathes shakily]
Oh, my God, Kevin!
Why
would you do this?
[pants]
[exhales sharply]
And why would you do this
-to me?
-[continues panting]
[sobs]
[menacing music builds]
-[TV buzzes]
-[gasps, whimpers]
[pants]
[groans, continues panting]
[grunts, pants]
[suspenseful music playing]
Wilda!
Wilda!
[dog barking in distance]
-[screams]
-[high-pitched screaming]
[screaming fades]
-[music concludes]
-[cryptic music playing]
[chopsticks thumping]
-[groans]
-What the fuck!
What is happening?
-No!
-Someone call 9-1-1!
-[laughs]
-[whimpers]
[beeps]
[gentle music playing]
So, how is he?
[Cody] I couldn't bring myself
to go in,
but Wilda's in there right now.
So, Ojai, Krotona?
Are you nervous?
Uh, just trying to stay present.
[chuckles] Wait, ther--
One more thing. Ther--
[voice over PA, through phone]
Delta Flight 6504 to Los Angeles
now boarding Group C.
Uh, that's me.
Okay dude, um,
give Wilda my love,
and, and yeah, I gotta go.
[smacks lips, sighs]
Hey! Uh, how is he?
This is where
he needs to be, yeah?
-They can help him here.
-It's over.
[smacks lips]
Yeah, no, I, I understand.
Um... it's been a lot.
-No, that's not what I mean.
-[mellow music playing]
[sniffs]
[exhales shakily]
Is... is anyone still there?
[unsettling music builds]
Hello?
[exhales sharply]
[pants]
[shudders, snuffles]
[sinister music playing]
[music builds]
[unsettling music builds]
[music intensifies]
[music concludes]
[ominous music playing]
[narrator] We emerge
into a panorama from darkness.
Placed inside the parched
badlands of Central Utah,
drained and unforgiving.
Our attention is drawn
to the hanging tree...
-We hear footsteps.
-[footsteps approaching]
[narrator]
The desperate man enters...
[panting]
[narrator]
In a moment, he will fall.
-[huffs, thuds]
-[narrator] Just like that.
Why? Please, no. Wh...
Why me?
[breathing heavily]
Hello?
Hello?
Please.
[narrator]
There's nobody to hear him.
[breathes deeply]
My name is Wayne...
Wayne Carpenter.
I live on Wild Horse Road,
Pocatello, Idaho.
I'm a high school
English teacher.
[narrator] We'll say
he was a bank manager.
I'm a bank manager.
-[static crackling]
-No!
English teacher.
[narrator] Actually,
he was an auto mechanic.
[breathes heavily]
An auto mechanic.
[narrator]
John knew what he had to do.
[metal clacking]
[narrator]
This is what he had to do.
The desperate man burns.
-[music concludes]
-[static crackling over tape]
[car whooshing]
-[cellphone buzzes]
-[sighs]
[coughs]
-[Cody] Finally,
-Oh, shit, Cody!
-You scared me.
-What took you so long?
Did you go up yet?
I was waiting for his majesty,
the great Grant Beverly.
[chuckles] You don't say.
Well, um, shall we?
[Cody] Inversion best practices,
please?
-Oh, shit.
-[Cody] There you go.
Fucking climate change
[Cody] Can you believe
it's supposed to snow later?
Which unit is she in? A? C?
[Grant] No, she's in Unit B.
Weird that you would say "A"
and then go straight to "C".
[Cody] Yeah,
what are trying to say?
[chuckles] Nothing,
I just think it's interesting.
[Cody]
I've gotta hand it to you,
I think it's pretty cool,
how you and Wilda have managed
to stay friends
like this, Beverly.
Well, I've heard maintaining
long-term friendships
is important.
I don't know why,
but that's what they say.
Tell me about it. You know
that I've never been dumped,
but if I had, I definitely
wouldn't be as chill about it
-as you and Wilda are.
-[Grant] Wilda didn't dump me,
it was a mutual parting of ways.
Hmm.
Yeah, I keep forgetting that.
It's probably because people
who say that are full of shit.
Yay! [laughs] Cody! You made it!
Hey, Grant. Hey.
-[Grant] Hey. Hey.
-[Wilda] Hey.
-[dog barking in distance]
-[Wilda] Oh.
I'm so glad we're still going
on this trip together.
[Grant] Yeah, I haven't been
to Arches in like, forever.
They took us down there
for an overnight
in middle school, that may
have been the last time.
They drove you rich brats
all the way down there
from Park City?
-Uh, best practice, Wilda?
-[Wilda] Oh, yeah,
sorry, it was just inside.
[footsteps receding]
-[Cody] Put yours on.
-No.
-[Cody] Yeah
-No!
God, do you guys
remember the last time
there was inversion so bad,
we actually had to leave
town like this? Like, geez.
-[Grant] No, we'll be okay.
-[Cody] The open desert
is our best bet
to avoid the poison air
until the cold weather
can get back on top
of the hot weather.
This is, of course, assuming
that there is enough biocrust
left down there to keep
the sand from swirling around
like it's the fucking dust bowl.
-[Wilda groans]
-[Grant] I don't understand
what the big deal is.
I mean, inversions happen like,
five times a year.
[Cody] Yeah, but this isn't one
of the ones that happens
five times a year,
only once every 30 years.
[Wilda]
No, 27 years is what I read.
[Cody] Where'd you read that?
[Wilda] On a website.
[Grant] And remind me,
why we're not just going up
to the lake with everyone else?
You know, Mel, Franky
and Vanessa said,
it's like spring break
up there right now.
-[Wilda] Aw!
-[Cody] It's because
you don't know shit about
how the world works, Beverly.
Once the inversion breaks
and the air shifts north,
that Bear Lake Air
is gonna be, like, 30 percent
copper-fracking jizz
from Kennecott--
[Wilda] No!
No more climate change talk
on this trip, Cody.
It freaks me out, okay?
-The inversion's bad enough.
-Yeah.
It's like a mini-Chernobyl
fantasy camp weekend
-or something.
-[Cody] Hey, it is not my fault
that there are polygamist UFO
cult forefathers
built this city
in the low valley under what is
the meteorological equivalent
of the Bermuda fucking triangle.
[car beeps]
-[exhales] Did you get gas?
-Yeah, I got gas.
Hey, why'd you park so far away?
Hey, don't worry, Grant.
The desert will be...
will be fun.
You can pretend,
you're on the Star Wars planet.
Which Star Wars planet?
Guessing you probably mean
either Tatooine or Jakku--
No, it's...
it's the sand worm one.
What is that called? Dune?
Huh. That's Arrakis,
and that's not even Star Wars.
-[laughs]
-Jesus, Wilda.
I promise, you do not wanna
get Beverly started
-on his George Lucas bullshit.
-[car engine starts]
I think Grant's kinda cute
when he goes on his little rants
about ass-prick ratios,
-or whatever--
-Aspect ratios!
That's what I said,
ass-prick ratios.
God, you learn so much dating
a film major for three years.
Yeah, it sounds cool
if you like low-T beta cucks
and not super-masculine,
conscientiously progressive
-environmental studies majors.
-Wow.
I can already tell this trip
is gonna be intense. [exhales]
Get it? "In tents."
Oh, no. No, I'm declaring this
evacuation-slash-weekend-getaway
-a pun-free zone
-What? No!
-Yeah.
-Boo! Boo... Boo him, Cody!
-Boo!
-Boo, Beverly fucking sucks.
-What is this piece of shit?
-Careful, that's vintage!
-Yeah, but what is it?
-[Grant] Nothing.
My, my folks had to get rid
of a bunch of stuff.
When they
downsized to the condo.
There was a bunch of cool
old TV equipment
from my grandad's
Channel 2 days.
-Yeah? Does it even work?
-There's no tape in it.
Yo, lemme see.
Whoa!
Do you think
your grandparents ever used this
-to make a sexual tape?
-Ugh.
No, do not make me think
about old people fucking.
Why not? Grant's grandma is hot.
And pee-paw? [blows raspberry]
He's, like,
a legit Salt Lake "8".
They did not let uggos on TV
in the Reagan era.
Wait, no, you're wrong,
there, there's a tape in here.
-Don't mess with it!
-It looks like
we can play it back.
Do you wanna see what's on it--
Don't!
-[laughs]
-Why not, Beverly?
What are we gonna find on here?
Well, he's just worried
because it's fragile.
Well, if it's so fragile
then why are we taking it
to the desert?
Well, um,
I was gonna bring this up later,
but, do you guys remember the
24-hour film thing I sent you?
-No.
-Yeah.
No! We are not doing homework
on this weekend, okay?
This trip is about two things,
and two things only.
One, to practice
being climate refugees
which we will all be
in a few years.
-Ugh.
-And two,
getting rat shit,
fucking hammered
-in the desert.
-[laughs] Yeah.
Well, it's not for class.
It... it's for an analog media
short film festival.
A really cool one,
actually, out of Seattle.
-Mm, cool.
-True, super cool.
Hey, um,
if you think for one second
that we're going to
lug that thing all the way
to Delicate Arch,
you're dead wrong.
Oh, and, uh,
did you remind your cousin
that I was not kidding
about bringing sunscreen?
Yeah.
Although, hopefully they
didn't think it was code
for like, angel dust
or something.
-[sighs]
-[eerie music playing]
[wind whooshing]
Ferg! My Fergie-wergie!
-Wilda! What up, cuz?
-[exclaims]
Don't tell me that whole cooler
is full of booze and drugs.
-[thuds]
-Oh, it is.
This whole cooler
is full of booze and drugs.
Hey, the inversion's
coming down pretty hard,
-don't get any in your eyes!
-[Gran] Just how fucked up
are you planning on
getting down there?
-What, I can't hear you, dude.
-[cooler clattering]
Whoa, automatic!
-[Ferg groans]
-[thuds]
[objects clatter]
-[Wilda] How you doin'? [laughs]
-I'm okay.
[Wilda laughs]
What's that?
[Cody] Fucked up, right?
So, Grant's me-maw and pee-paw
used this to make porn parodies
of CBS Sunday Morning.
[Ferg] Oh, really?
That's cool as hell, dude.
Oh, my god,
have you ever seen that show?
All the anchors look
like they're fucking melting--
-Okay!
-[all laugh]
[Wilda] "Careful, it's vintage!"
[tires screeching]
[Wilda] Bruh,
these influencer bitches
get like, free everything.
I really need some sort of
marketable social media gimmick.
Mm, like what?
I don't know.
Like, what about wellness?
But like, like spooky?
-Spooky wellness?
-[Wilda] Yeah like,
"Put this yogurt
in your pussy hole."
-[laughs evilly]
-[Ferg laughs]
People love Halloween
and people love wellness.
[sighs] Oh!
What do you think
of the name "Creep Heap"?
[dramatic music playing]
[Cody] Fucking social media.
I hate our fucking generation.
We are so detached from like,
reality and ecology and shit.
I mean, fuck us, we suck.
Yeah, but like, dude.
I mean, what if there was
no reality to be attached to?
You know, it's pretty arrogant
to assume that any of this
is actually happening.
Or has,
or will ever happen, you know?
I obviously, consider myself
something of an expert
on transitory states
and being and yo.
I mean, a keen spiritual depth
might actually have the ability
to bend time and space...
-[tires screeching]
-[Cody] Oh, shit, dude!
-What the fuck, ha--
-Beverly?
-[breathes heavily]
-Was there a deer or something?
What, Beverly hit a deer?
Did you guys feel that?
Feel what?
It just changed.
What changed?
I don't know. The... the road?
The... the... the light?
Everything. I...
How long have we
been driving for?
Ah, like, a couple of hours.
Are you okay to drive, dude?
Like, maybe I should drive?
-No.
-No!
Uh, yeah, sure, maybe, yeah.
-Oh, well... [mutters]
-[Wilda] Incoming!
-Just go.
-Okay, let me get out first!
[somber music playing]
[Ferg] Water, dude?
[Grant] I'm fine.
-I guess if you need a second--
-[Grant] I'm fine!
[belt clacks]
Grant, why don't you
grab your camera?
We should be taping this,
for posterity.
Oh, uh, yeah, okay.
Uh, well I guess... like...
Ferg, what are your plans
for this trip?
I mean, on paper,
to escape the inversion.
But if I'm being honest,
my true objective
is to seize the time
to further develop
my own proprietary set
of Theosophical studies. [sighs]
Oh, which, for now I'm calling
"Phase Perception".
And let me guess,
does this research involve
the use
of controlled substances?
I mean, now that you mention it,
-yeah, I did pack a few...
-[laughs]
...holy Theosophical tools.
[laughs]
I just don't understand
why we're not going to the lake?
I mean Vanessa,
Franky and Mel said it's like
-spring break up there.
-That's what they told me!
I have said a million times
why we are going to the desert.
Yeah, but, dude.
I mean, we could be chilling
with like,
the hottest people under 30
in the Salt Lake Valley.
Not shit, fuck alone
in the middle of nowhere
with you two fuckos
and the one token female.
What?
I don't even get a name now?
Okay, you get two names.
The Ferg's cousin
and Grant's ex-girlfriend.
[Wilda] All right, why don't you
"phase perceive" my fist
as I shove it up your ass
and pull out your piss plumbing?
[laughs]
Dude, Grant, your woman
just threatened
-to fist me to death. [laughs]
-Sorry pal,
-she's not my problem anymore.
-[Ferg hoots]
-[Cody] True.
-[Grant] Yeah.
Plus, there's some soil samples
I need to get
up at the arches, anyways.
[Ferg] Oh.
-I thought you said no homework.
-It's not homework...
It's for a...
for a personal project
that I'm working on.
Like how my analog shorts thing
isn't homework, either?
-Wait, what's he talking about?
-Grant wants to make a movie.
How fun! Wait,
is this gonna be like the one
where Cody was in the bathtub
with all the fake blood?
Hopefully not,
Otherwise, you'll have this
stressed out motherfucker
yelling at you
for even daring to breathe!
You were
supposed to be a corpse!
And you just kept making Wilda
just, repeat her line
-over and over and over again.
-Oh my God, Kevin!
Why did you do this?
Why did you do this?
-To me?
-[Cody] To me.
[all laugh]
Do you guys remember when Ferg
almost knocked over
the friggin' light?
[Cody] Grant forgot to put
the other sandbag on it!
-Mm.
-It was an LED light,
you wouldn't have been
electrocuted, probably.
Oh my god, Kevin!
Why did you do this?
-Why did you do this... to me?
-[Ferg laughs] Kevin, aw.
-Mm, mon dieu, Kevin.
-[Cody laughs]
Et pourquoi?
[groans]
[laughs]
Oh, come on, Grant, don't sulk.
I liked that video,
it was actually really good.
Well, it would've been
even better
if you all just listened to me,
instead of constantly
bitching and goofing off.
Oh, boy...
Hey, Grant,
look at me, look at me.
Hey, trust me, Grant,
this trip is gonna be fun.
[music intensifies]
[scream echoes]
[indistinct chatter]
[traditional Chinese
music playing]
[screams]
-Oh, my God, what's wrong?
-Wha... I...
-Where are we?
-What do you mean? We just ate.
Seriously, are you feeling okay?
I'm fine. Sorry, I just...
I'm a...
I'm a little dizzy, I guess.
-[Ferg] Oh, hey.
-[pills rattling]
I mean here, take these.
Um, I don't know
if that's a good idea.
-What are they?
-Oh, don't worry about it, dude.
We just gotta get
your orgone back to stasis.
-Maybe I should just take one?
-[Cody chuckles] Yeah.
'Cause Beverly
is such a drug milksop,
that you'd probably kill him.
Stop calling me Beverly!
Ferg, tell this asshole
how fucked up all his
gendered name calling shit is.
Wait, why is that my job?
-Grant, don't!
-[Ferg] Hell yeah, dude.
That is what
I'm fuckin' talking about!
-[sighs]
-This could be a real problem
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, if he starts
to freak out, I'll just gag him
with one of these choppy boys
and make him barf
-them shits right up--
-Careful!
You're gonna stab
my eyes out with that thing.
-[Ferg] Sorry.
-Come on, it's getting late.
We should go.
[Ferg] Wait.
-Hey, let me read the fortune...
-[footsteps receding]
[door bell chiming]
[narrator] We linger
for a breath to remember exactly
what this moment looked like...
[car doors shutting]
-[indistinct chatter]
-[suspenseful music playing]
[narrator]
The four happy campers
pull out of their spot
and disappear...
-[Cody laughing]
-[narrator] ...out of frame.
[eerie music playing]
I don't see anyone,
shouldn't there be like
a sticker or a slip of paper
or something?
[Cody]
Forget about it, just go in.
[sighs] All right.
[Wilda] Guys,
it literally says "No camping".
-[crowd] Nerd!
-[Cody laughing]
[Wilda] Okay, fine.
We'll go past the sign
that says "No camping".
A 43-year-old school teacher
from Pocatello, Idaho,
who has now been missing
since Thursday evening.
-Authorities are baffled by--
-[button clicks]
God, this is so creepy.
Well, like you said,
everybody went to the lake.
Yeah, but still there should be
someone else here, right?
Well, it doesn't really matter
'cause we're going off the grid.
-Back to nature.
-[Ferg] This is sick,
I mean we can literally do
whatever we want out here.
[cheers] The desert is ours!
"Don't do it Kevin,
you have so much to live for!"
[all laugh]
Hey, wake up, Grant.
-[groans]
-Um,
why are there only two tents?
Oh, I didn't bring one.
I was just gonna sleep out
under the stars
and vibe with the fauna
like a fucking G, dude.
Uh... oh...
Whoops, I think I accidentally
brought two sleeping bags
and no tent.
-So--
-Great, so what's the plan then?
Well...
Whatever you two geeks decide,
we best get situated
before nightfall.
I mean, my tent's pretty big
and it's not like
we haven't, you know--
I don't think
that's a good idea.
No, yeah, totally.
We, we agreed we wanted
to keep things cool between us.
With simple,
clear boundaries, right?
Totally, totally.
-[chuckles]
-[Wilda chuckles]
Um, well
you take the tent then.
I'll just... I'll sleep
in the back of the truck.
Oh, no,
I'll take the car, it's cool.
-Suit yourself.
-[chuckles] Yay.
Um, and I'm, I'm totally gonna,
fill it with queefs and farts,
okay?
-Okay, great, perfect.
-[Wilda laughs]
[laughs]
Uh, what's Ferg doing now?
-Yeah, get some!
-[Wilda laughs]
Must run in the family.
It... it does, actually
It's... It's kind of a serious
medical condition
that needs more awareness.
So, spread the word.
[crickets chirping]
What'd you see up there?
[Ferg] Uh, miles and miles
of fuck-nothing. [laughs]
So, dude, like what's going on
with you and Cody lately?
You know it's,
it's a real bummer
seeing you guys
be such dicks to each other--
I, I don't know
what you're talking about.
I mean, I don't like
this version of you guys, I...
You know, I like the version
that calls in
fucking bomb threats on the
Ogden Valley Church Ball League,
-dude.
-Oh, yeah, that was...
that was just to get some
swat team B-roll
-for a class project.
-Oh, yeah?
Got an "A" on that project, too.
-See? You guys are legendary.
-[wolf howling]
[ominous music playing]
[wolf howling]
So, it turns out, the woman
that we thought was being chased
by all these
mindless cell phone zombies,
is actually--
A child killer whose mind
is being erased each day
-just to torture her?
-[laughs]
Well, fuck...
if you guys knew the whole story
then why'd you let me sit here
and go on and on
like an asshole?
Well, to be fair I don't know
if telling the plot
of an old Black Mirror episode
really counts as a ghost story.
Well, apparently,
I am not allowed to talk about
what's actually scary like,
oh, I don't know,
the fact that we won't have
any potable water on the planet
-by the year 2040--
-[all] Boo!
And what about Ferg?
All they did was
read the Wikipedia article
for the Slender Man killings,
word for word.
Uh, you don't think
that shit's scary?
Mm-mm.
Must be nice
No, I'm serious I mean, that's,
that's a textbook example
of magical thinking IRL.
Of pulling a constructed image
and making it manifest
-into our reality, like--
-[coughs] Please, no, I can't.
You're up, Wilda.
What? Oh, I don't,
I don't know any ghost stories.
Come on, you got to tell us
one, even if it sucks.
Seriously, I don't know any.
You should tell them
about how you grew up
next door to a serial killer.
[sighs]
You are such a dick, Grant.
What? When? I didn't know that.
Honestly, it's like the single,
most interesting thing
-about you.
-[exhales]
It's not even like a story,
okay? It's just a fact.
Okay, so my family lived
in Brigham City,
for a couple years
when I was growing up.
And the guy who lives
in the house next to us...
I guess he, like,
killed a couple people.
But like, not even
in the house we lived by.
Richard Cruz Debussy.
He was legit, Last Podcast
even did an episode on him.
Look it up, Ferg.
[Ferg] Okay.
I got it.
Richard Cruz Debussy
AKA the "Loop Slayer"...
[imitates ghost noise]
...was an American serial killer
active in Nevada
and western Utah from...
Holy shit, dude!
I remember this.
-He escaped from prison, right?
-Yeah, a week before
he was supposed to go in front
of the firing squad, too.
-They never caught him either.
-They never caught him?
-Fuck. [laughs]
-[laughs]
He was already really old,
though.
There's no way he's alive now.
What makes you
such a fucking expert?
It was big news!
And, and my grandpa,
he, he won
the Rocky Mountain Pulitzer
for reporting on the trial.
right before he retired
from Channel 2.
Guys, this isn't, like,
fun for me, okay?
I can see this guy
in my memory...
He had these big glasses...
weird mustache...
[somber music playing]
He always wore this big,
green hunting jacket
in the middle of winter.
He'd wave at us from his mailbox
while we were playing outside...
It's weird, I don't know,
it's like creepy flashbacks
from some shitty horror movie.
Interesting. What if they are?
What?
What if they are just
bad horror movie flashbacks?
[chuckles] I don't know.
I don't understand.
Okay, like this, right now.
What if we're actually
in a horror movie?
Four annoying college kids,
alone in the desert,
just waiting
to get picked off, one by one.
Don't you think
it's a little convenient,
that we're the only ones
out here?
Grant, don't.
You know how tweaked out
Ferg gets with all that
Philip K. Dick "questioning
the nature of reality" shit.
I mean, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
"Phase Perception."
A million different things
could show up
and kill us at any moment.
Like, a hoard
of irradiated zombies.
You know, Central Utah
is where like, 90 percent
of America's toxic waste
is stored, right?
-Jesus, fuck no!
-[Wilda] Or aliens.
I mean, Area 51
is not too far from here.
Oh, man, fucking aliens?
You know those guys
fucking love the desert.
-Guys, can we not?
-No, Wilda's right.
The Four Corners
are a legendary UFO hotspot.
Why do you think
all these satanic biker cults
like it around here so much?
Uh, satanic biker cults, huh?
[sniffs] But why?
-[Wilda laughs]
-Jesus Christ, you guys
are the biggest group of fucking
idiot nerds on the planet.
-Actually. [chuckles]
-[laughs]
I'm the stock geek protagonist.
You're the alpha-jerk bully.
Ferg is the stoner comic relief.
And Wilda...
-Wilda is "the girl."
-[Ferg laughs]
I am not just "the girl."
That's exactly what
that kind of underwritten
-female character might say.
-[Ferg chuckles]
"I'm not just the girl."
That's classic. [chuckles]
Let me guess the twist ending.
You go around and cut
each of our heads off, huh?
No, that would be "hack."
-What's that dick donut for?
-[Ferg laughs]
This is reflective tape.
I'm gonna use it to mark off
our campsite before lights out.
Make sure no wild animals
enter here.
What, are you scared?
It's not for our protection,
it's for theirs.
Let's call it.
We got a big hike tomorrow.
[Ferg] Oh, okay.
-Good night.
-[Wilda] Good night.
-[Ferg] Good night.
-[Cody] Good night.
So, we're still just...
keeping things cool?
[chuckles] Yeah.
With simple, clear boundaries.
[sighs]
-[pensive music playing]
-[crickets chirping]
-[sighs]
-[cellphone clicks]
[fire crackling]
[Cody snores]
[indistinct chatter]
[dark music playing]
[crickets chirping]
[yawns]
[thrilling music playing]
-[Wilda] Boo!
-[Grant screams]
-[laughs]
-Don't do that!
I just thought a little
jump scare might wake you up.
I know how much you love 'em.
Who else is hung over?
The trick is to stay hydrated.
-I like your pants, Ferg.
-[Ferg] Oh, thank you.
these are my shark shorts,
an unholy sigil
to give me shark powers
for our hike today.
-Sick.
-All right.
Who's ready to see
this fucking arch?
Perfect! Everybody brought
hiking boots, I hope.
[sighs] You're not wearing
those fucking shorts, are you?
[pensive music playing]
[Wilda] Wilda
and the very happy campers
crested the switchback
into view.
Breathing heavily,
reeking terribly.
Secreting from their pores,
the foul smelling remnants
of last night's booze and drugs.
An olfactory salute
to fearless living.
The bottle of wine
in Wilda's backpack
certainly wasn't growing
any less heavy
as Cody's ceaseless death march
to Delicate Arch continued.
[Cody] Are you seriously
planning on doing the whole hike
in that weird voice?
Because it's super annoying.
[Wilda] Said Cody, all the while
silently contemplating
his tiny little cock and balls.
[gasps] I have... to rest.
We've already stopped,
like ten times.
No, come on, let's take a break.
Wilda had never sweat so much
in all her goddang life.
And for the first time
since arriving in the desert
her buzz was completely gone.
-This made Wilda very sad.
-Aw, don't worry, cuz.
I'll carry you
the rest of the way.
-Hey. Be careful! Be careful!
-[Wilda grunts, laughs]
Okay, put me down! Put me down.
[Ferg] Hey, you know what?
I wanted to wait
until we got to the arch
but I kinda think
if we take these now,
we might be able to time
our peak to hit
right when we get
to the bowl up top.
What, you brought mushrooms?
Yes! [chuckles]
Of course, I brought mushrooms.
I'm the lovable stoner, right?
-[chuckles]
-Well, "lovable" wasn't
necessarily part
of your character description.
Do we seriously have to do this?
This is just gonna slow us down.
You need to chill out,
dude, or else,
we're all gonna fuckin' mutiny.
-Fine.
-[chuckles]
If it shuts you up.
[Ferg] Hey, have you ever
tried mushrooms?
No, I... I don't like mushrooms.
Yeah, well, they're not like,
on a fucking pizza, dude.
You gotta start partying,
like, now.
Or else you're gonna turn
into a fucking pumpkin
like you did yesterday.
Come on.
Fine, fuck!
[Wilda] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's way too many.
-Dude!
-Oh, my god!
They're like those Harry Potter
jelly beans that taste like
-farts and boogers!
-[Wilda] Come on, Cody's right.
We should try
to make to the arch
before shit starts to get weird.
Said Wilda, graciously
offering to lead the way.
Okay.
[pensive music playing]
[Wilda] If you're doing
a story of my ass,
-I'll fucking kill you.
-[Ferg] Gross, I would never.
[Cody] You know,
it's particularly fucked up,
since you two are blood related.
[Ferg] Nah, the incest taboo
is just a fucking
bougie societal construct, dude.
No. It exists to help strengthen
the genetic diversity
-of the herd, man.
-[Ferg] Whatever.
Hey, how you doin'
back there, Grant?
[Cody] Hey Ferg, be careful
walking backwards--
-[Ferg] Nah, I'm good.
-No, be careful--
-Nah, I said I'm good. [grunts]
-[Cody] There you go.
[Ferg] Ow!
[ominous music playing]
[static noise chatter]
Now you're pretending
to be confused on purpose.
My point is, if aliens do exist,
why do we always assume that
they would wanna try
and contact us humans?
So, what are you saying, then?
That they rather talk
to computers? Whales?
Try fucking coral reefs, dude.
If you look at the earth
from outer space,
it's like, mostly fucking
water, dude. [grunts]
-[laughs] You sound like Cody.
-[Cody] Hey.
And I mean, who's to say
that the extraterrestrials
wouldn't be aquatic themselves,
like...
like Edric the Guild Navigator.
Right, Grant? [laughs]
-Huh.
-[Cody] So, wait.
You think that that means coral?
It depends if their brains
are just one big jelly muscle
like ours or...
or if it's spread out
across their whole nervous
system, dude.
I think Grant's gonna puke.
[retches]
[sinister music playing]
[Cody] You know. [grunts]
Ferg is right about one thing.
That people's relationship
to their environment
shapes what they value,
how they interpret
the world around them.
[Wilda] Guys, should we be
worried about Grant?
He looks not, uh, great.
[Cody] I read this article about
a commencement speech
a few years ago, right?
And it was about
these two adolescent fish
and they're swimming
through a river
minding their own business.
And... and this, uh,
This older fish,
he comes up to them,
and he says,
"How's the water, boys?"
And he swims away.
[chuckles] And these two
adolescent fish, they turn,
they turn to each other,
they look each other in the eyes
and they say...
"What the hell is water?"
-[Wilda laughs]
-[Cody laughs]
[Wilda] Grant stops to search
for our face,
staring out into nothing,
with two drooling,
drugged mouths.
-[wolf howling]
-[Grant] Did you hear that?
It was a... it was a woman.
She said,
"Once again,
Grant has his back turned,
staring off into nothing with...
with two eyes
made out of drooling,
drug mouths."
That was it, word for word.
[Cody] It was Wilda.
[Wilda] No, it wasn't.
It wasn't me. [chuckles]
[Ferg] Yeah,
like immersive theater.
There was this installation
in Spain.
It was like, a pop-up
house party thing basically.
-And at first, it seems like...
-[Grant] Where... where are we?
...a normal party, food, drinks.
A DJ playing super fast EDM,
lots and lots of people.
And you just kind of hang out
in that room for a while,
and then, you get like,
kind of pushed into
an even...
like a slightly smaller room,
where there's less food,
not as much to drink,
and the music is like, slower.
-More sparse and minimalistic...
-[Grant] This...
...and you're in the
second room...
...this isn't Arches!
and then like, without
even fricking noticing,
you're like,
in an even smaller room.
-And then--
-[Ferg] Dude, shit!
Are those buzzards?
[buzzards screeching]
Until suddenly, you were
in a closet, all by yourself,
holding a hand mirror
with a note written in Sharpie
across the glass,
"Koko Kara Deru."
[suspicious music playing]
-What's that mean?
-[Wilda] I think it means,
"Leave through here"
in Japanese.
Or "Get out of here."
[static noise chatter]
[Wilda] Before we get back
to civilization,
I'm gonna need you to delete
anything that could end up
on some creepy jack-off Reddit.
Chill out, I'm just playing
around with some new filters.
-[Cody] Yo, can I see them?
-Yeah.
[Grant] Did you guys ever see
the movie Midnight Special?
There's this idea in it,
of another world
-built on top of our world.
-[Cody] Jesus Christ.
My man takes drugs one time
and immediately becomes Ferg.
-[laughs]
-Like, it's just sitting there
on top of our reality.
Another world that our reality
wears over itself.
Like a... like an invisible
ski parka or something.
-Do... does that make sense?
-[Cody] Come on, guys.
Can we just get to this
goddamn rock already?
These mushrooms have added
like an hour to this thing.
[Wilda] We are, chill out.
-Dude.
-[Ferg] Spelunking.
-[Cody] Don't call me "dude."
-[Ferg laughs]
And watch your step
right here, this...
-"Watch your step right here!"
-"Watch your step right here!"
[Cody] Don't mimic me, please.
-[Wilda] "Don't mimic me!"
-I'm not mimicking you,
I'm just repeating it.
[Cody] I got it.
[grunts]
[exhales]
It's so beautiful out here.
[pensive music playing]
We are at the halfway point
of Delicate Arch.
Yeah, no shit, dude and we still
gotta climb back down.
No. Delicate Arch, the movie.
[Cody] You know, this area
is considered sacred
by this region's, uh,
indigenous people.
The Pueblos, the Hopis,
the, eh, Utes. The Utes.
They thought that
these arches were portals
to another time and space.
If you walk behind the portals,
you essentially enter
a dream world.
[indistinct chatter]
[soft music playing]
[static noise chatter]
[reporter] It is the convergence
in time and location
of two great migrations.
[static noise chatter]
-[crickets chirping]
-[tree branch snapping]
[sniffs, sighs]
[birds chirping]
[ominous music playing]
-Jump scare! [grunts]
-[screams]
I hate that!
Jump scares are so cheap
and stupid.
Only 'cause I made you
shit your pants.
A sudden burst
of noise or motion
promoting an involuntary
physiological response
isn't fear.
It's just superficial
animal instinct.
You keep talking like a nerd,
I'm gonna beat you up
and take your fucking lunch
money like a nerd, too.
Ouch!
[sighs]
-[sighs]
-Hey, go grab the others.
I think I have an idea
for a movie.
[Ferg exhales]
[Wilda giggles]
[Grant] Okay, and the hand
reaches uselessly.
It can't get the cigarettes.
Continues to reach uselessly.
Continues to reach, and...
-Cut!
-[gasps]
[laughs] Oh, my god.
-Hey, that was fun.
-[Cody] Yeah, that was good.
[chuckles] I don't think
I get it though, still.
What is it like, uh,
an addiction metaphor?
Maybe, I don't know,
it's mostly just the best idea
I could think to do
with what we have to work with.
Well, it's not like you care,
but I thought the whole thing
was pretty "meh."
We could have chosen
a more dynamic location,
like the hot springs.
No, I didn't write anything
like that into this idea.
[Cody] What do you mean?
You just came up
with this "idea" like
-five seconds ago.
-No!
If it's not motivated,
and it's not in the frame,
then it doesn't exist.
-[crow cawing]
-[Grant sighs]
But I guess we could still do
Ferg's zombie thing instead.
-Yes!
-[Wilda] Uh, no.
we're not cutting up
our foreheads
just for your video.
Why not?
Wrestlers do it all the time.
Yeah, I'm down! I'm down!
[chuckles]
-No!
-No!
[ominous music playing]
[Cody sighs]
Hey, we need to talk.
Oh. Yeah, sure.
Where's Grant?
[Wilda] I don't know.
[indistinct chatter]
[Grant whispers] Fuck.
Grant?
[Grant] Yeah?
[Wilda] Uh, we need a favor.
Wh... what is it?
We were just wondering
if we could use your car
to go into town for just,
like, an hour?
What, why?
Turns out this guy from my fluid
mech intensive is down here too.
And he just texted me
and told me that
he's got a bunch of extra Molly,
which he can hook us up with
-if we want any.
-Which we do.
I don't know,
I was kind of hoping
maybe we would
just chill out tonight.
Me too, that's exactly
what Molly is, Beverly.
Chilling out.
[sighs] Okay fine,
let's all go. I'll drive.
Afraid not.
Fluid Mech is only gonna deal
with somebody he knows.
Alone.
[scoffs] Why--
Then why is Wilda going?
Because...
P.G.D.
P.G.D? Wha... what's that?
[Wilda] "Pretty Girl Discount."
Cody thinks Fluid Mech will
give us like 20 percent off
-if we use...
-Yeah.
...my toothsome cutie pie smile
to vex and beguile
his base male instincts.
-[Grant] Ew! No.
-[laughs]
-Tha... that's so gross. No way.
-Please? Pretty, pretty, please?
[sighs]
Okay, fine. Whatever.
Just text me so I know
everything goes okay.
[Cody] You got it, man.
Thanks
-I'm gonna go get my wallet.
-Thanks.
Wilda, can I ask you something.
Promise you won't get mad?
Okay. [chuckles]
Yeah, what is it?
Well, like.
[scoffs] What's going on
between you two?
You two who?
You and Cody. Like...
It's okay if you're hooking up.
All right, I'm not jealous,
it just, it sucks that
you'd hide something
-like that from me.
-Oh, my god.
[scoffs] Grant, can you give me
more credit than that?
I don't care, I'm not like
obsessed or anything.
It's just kind of immature,
-is all.
-[sighs] Grant.
Please don't start
some weird drama.
I'm not!
You're the one sneaking around,
going off on your secret little
-Molly missions together.
-Grant, we talked about this.
For hours and hours, we talked.
We laid all the ground rules.
And I feel like
you're doing it again.
This fake shit,
trying to act all cool.
I mean, come on, just friends
is what we talked about,
-and you promised me.
-We are friends!
-You promised me.
-I know what I promised.
-I know that I did.
-You were the one who wanted to
-break up with me, remember?
-Whoa, what the fuck?
-Wilda, we both decided.
-[Wilda] No!
No, I'm not gonna argue
with a crazy person.
Okay, stop! Okay, look.
Look, I'm the one that finally
brought it up,
but you were totally checked out
of the relationship for months.
That's not what
I'm talking about.
I'm talking about
the creeping around.
The following me.
-The watching?
-I'm sorry,
I just wanna know
what's up with you.
That you're okay.
You're my fucking friend,
you know?
Cody too.
[sighs] Whatever.
Enjoy the truck.
Fuck you.
You okay, dude?
I'm fine.
[Ferg] Ah, shit, man. [sniffles]
I mean, this is roughing it.
You know, this dusty boy's
our last brew dog.
Hey, when are Cody and Wilda
coming back with the re-up?
I don't know.
About ho...- how long ago
did they leave?
Uh...
Fuck. [chuckles]
My battery's dead. You got
a remote charger or something?
Yeah, in... the truck.
My phone, too.
Oh, so what?
We're phoneless?
Fucking phoneless bitches, dude?
Why aren't they back yet?
Like, should we be worried?
Oh, you think
it was the zombies?
Shut up.
Or, hey, maybe it was
the aliens, or fuck,
-the apocalypse bikers, dude?
-Knock it off!
Hey, like you said,
we're near skinwalker, right?
Stop! Just be quiet.
[Ferg] Or maybe...
What if we unlocked
something at the arch?
You know,
Cody said it was a portal.
Shut up! Just shut the fuck up.
[pensive music playing]
I'm sorry, I just...
I wanna know
what's up with them.
Like, what's taking them
so goddamn long?
We should try
and calm down, okay?
Got any ghost stories?
No.
I'm not really in the mood.
[wolf howling]
[sighs]
[tree branch snapping]
Hello?
[sinister music playing]
Ferg?
Ferg!
Ferg!
Ferg, wait!
[breathes heavily] Ferg!
[grunts]
[static noise chatter]
Wait!
[screams]
[pants]
-[explosions]
-[gasps]
Ferg. Ferg!
[ominous music playing]
[disembodied voice]
[gasps]
[gasps]
[pensive music playing]
[grunts, groans]
[grunts, groans]
[exhales]
[groans]
[coughs, inhales sharply]
[groans, snuffles]
-[tense music builds]
-[pants]
[wind whooshing]
Cody? [pants]
Wilda?
-[whimpers]
-[Ferg] Where were you?
What the hell are you doing?
I'm-- I'm here. Stop shaking me!
I'm here.
What were you doing in my tent?
Were you trying
to take my camera?
No, you weren't here.
You were not here.
[pants] I think, uh...
[continues panting]
...I passed out.
There was, like...
a fucking city out there.
What did you slip me last night?
I told you. Nothing--
Now, I need to know.
Why weren't you
in your tent last night?
Because I was looking for you!
You fucking moron drug addict!
Your brains are so fucked,
you were sleepwalking around
like a fucking asshole!
[breathes sharply]
-There's no more water?
-Yeah, we're out of everything.
Cody and Wilda are still gone?
[Ferg] Yeah, and they have
all our keys,
and our phones,
and all our shit too! [sniffles]
-Okay.
-[Ferg breathing sharply]
And we need to calm down, okay?
I'm sure they'll be back soon,
they have to be.
[brooding music playing]
You said I was sleepwalking?
Yeah
[breathes shakily, sniffles]
-What the hell are you doing?
-I'm gonna look
-for Cody and Wilda.
-Ferg!
No! There's no more water.
It's too far, and it's supposed
to get really, really hot today.
You were right about
this being a fucking
-horror movie, dude. [inhales]
-[Grant scoffs] Don't be stupid!
I was just
fucking around with you!
[Ferg] No, you weren't
just fucking around!
[in hushed voice] You weren't.
I knew you felt it,
but now I feel it too, dude.
And Cody and Wilda?
I mean, what?
They're just, like,
sitting ducks out there?
-Are you fucking for real?
-[Ferg] Exactly!
[inhales, in hushed voice]
Am I fucking for real?
[smacks lips] I don't know.
[pants] Or, you know...
[snuffle] ... maybe... [inhales]
[smacks lips] Hey, maybe
my existence started
when you guys pulled up in a car
right out front of my house.
Or... [breathes heavily]
Or whoever's house that was,
you know, that-- that-- that--
that the film crew rented
to use as a location
for the movie that we're in--
Okay, you are on
too many fucking drugs.
-No, I'm not. [pants]
-Cut it out
with the metaphysical bullshit,
okay?
Look.
Don't go. Okay?
What am I gonna do here
by myself?
I don't know! I don't know.
I just know that I need
to leave, like, right now.
Ferg, please.
I have a really bad feeling
about this.
[Ferg] No, get outta my way!
-[groans]
-So, we're in a horror movie?
So what?
What do you think happens
to the main characters
when they all start going off
one by one?
-We need to stick together.
-Fuck you, dude!
And let me out.
Look, I just need to leave.
-[pants]
-Okay.
Well, I have to stay.
[scoffs] Why?
[in hushed voice] Why?
Come with me, please!
I can't.
Fuck! [inhales deeply]
Okay! [sighs]
Then I'll just
see you later, huh?
I'll just see you later.
-[footsteps receding]
-[clicks tongue]
You're making a huge mistake!
[sinister music playing]
[groans, hisses]
[exhales, pants]
[breathes sharply]
-[firewood clattering]
-[Grant breathing shakily]
[hisses, snuffles]
[breathes shakily, snuffles]
[exhales]
[sighs]
[firewood clattering]
[Grant panting, snuffling]
[groans, hisses]
[groans, breathes shakily]
[spits, pants]
[snuffling, hissing]
-[marker sticks clattering]
-[Grant breathing sharply]
[groaning, breathing sharply]
[continues groaning]
[hisses, breathes sharply]
[snuffles]
[grunts, breathes sharply]
-[inhales, sighs]
-[marker stick thumping]
[pants]
[breathes sharply]
-[marker stick thumping]
-[breathes shakily]
[tape snaps]
[breathes sharply]
[breathes heavily]
[grunts, pants]
[exhales heavily,
continues panting]
[music intensifies]
[electric buzzing]
[high-pitched buzzing]
[buzzing continues]
Who? [whimpers]
-[groans, screams]
-[high-pitched screaming]
[Grant continues screaming]
Fuck you!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
-[insects chirping]
-[pensive music playing]
[Ferg] Cody! Wilda!
[mutters] What the fuck!
[car beeps]
[car ignition clicks, turns]
-[engine cranking]
-[Wilda] What's zee problem?
Did zee fart mobile
run out of zee farts, blegh!
It just needs a second.
Fucking Grant's car sucks
as bad as his shitty movies
Uh-oh! Vadda you think,
Creap Heap?
Zee car is dead.
Shall we bail und flail?
Or shall we stay and filet?
Leave your creepy comment
below, ah ah ah!
[Cody] You know,
I don't really get it
Are you supposed to be,
like, the Count
from Sesame Street or something?
Mm, more like Elvira or Vampira.
Or like a sexy, um,
cryptkeeper, I guess?
-[inhales, squeals]
-[chuckles]
Well, are you
German and Hungarian?
Because your accent
just keeps going back and forth.
Look, the Creap Heap
is a work in progress, okay?
[huffs] Okay. [sighs]
-Fucking Grant!
-[car horn honks]
Of course, you've got six tons
of stage makeup in your car
and zero roadside repair kits.
Get outta my face.
Just think how bored we would be
if he did not.
[sighing] Ugh!
How long have we been
-stuck out here?
-Fifteen minutes?
An hour? Two hours?
Like, I literally
don't know anymore.
-[Wilda sighing]
-[ominous music playing]
[Cody] Holy shit,
are these guys for real?
[Wilda] What?
Are these guys, right here,
are they fucking for real?
-What is happen--
-[zombies snarling]
-[Wilda] Oh, my God!
-[Cody] Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
-They're for real.
-[Wilda speaking indistinctly]
-[Cody] Shit. Shit! Fuck!
-[hand banging]
-[glass shattering]
-[indistinct clamor over phone]
-[Wilda screaming]
-[shouts indistinctly]
-[speaks indistinctly]
-[zombies snarling]
-[screams]
-[glass shattering]
[breathes heavily]
[Wilda] Did zee fart mobile
run out of zee farts? Blegh!
It just needs a second.
Fucking Grant's car sucks
as bad as his shitty movies.
[Wilda sighing]
How long have we been
stuck in here?
[huffs] I don't know,
15 minutes?
An hour? Two hours?
I literally don't know.
[motor bike approaching]
[Cody] What the f--
Who the hell are they?
-Ah, ah ah!
-[Cody] No, no, I'm serious.
Who, who the hell are they?
Shit! Shit!
-[Wilda whimpering] Oh, my God!
-[Cody shouting indistinctly]
[breathes heavily]
-[Wilda screaming]
-[Cody] Fuck!
-[speaks indistinctly]
-Shit! [whimpers, exclaims]
[indistinct shouting]
-[screams]
-[group continues shouting]
[indistinct clamor
over cellphone]
[indistinct clamor
over cellphone stops]
[pants]
[hushed voices]
[narrator]
Ferg steps into their fate...
and in seeing their face,
now sees ours...
-[pants]
-[dramatic music builds]
[narrator] Together they burn.
[menacing music builds]
[gasps, breathes heavily]
-[groans]
-[brooding music playing]
[pants]
[breathes shakily]
[pants]
[pants]
[continues panting]
[continues panting]
[pants]
-[whimpers]
-[Cody speaks indistinctly]
-[Wilda sobbing]
-[Cody] I can't get the camera!
[pants]
-[Wilda pants]
-[Cody pants]
-[Wilda whimpering]
-[zombie snarls]
[pants, groans]
-[screams]
-[glass shattering]
[Wilda speaking indistinctly]
[zombie growls]
-[glitches]
-[Wilda screaming]
[groans] No! Oh, ah! [pants]
[groans] Fuck!
[continues groaning]
[hisses, pants]
Fuck! [continues panting]
[sinister music playing]
-[button clicks]
-[camera beeps]
[Grant panting]
Ferg!
Jesus
Christ!
I got you. [grunts]
-[bones crackle]
-[pants]
-Ferg...
-[Ferg grunting]
-[music builds]
-I'm sorry, Ferg.
[pants]
No, don't look at them!
[exclaims]
[groans]
[breathes heavily]
What
are you doing?
No! Fuck, dude!
Don't!
-[rock clatters]
-[groans]
[gasps]
[creepy music builds]
Cody?! Wilda?!
-[handbrake clicks]
-[engine revs]
[somber music playing]
[engine stalls]
[retches, coughs]
[unsettling music builds]
[Grant coughs, muffled]
-[grunts]
-[indistinct chatter over TV]
[breathes heavily]
[pants]
[water dripping]
[exhales heavily]
[breathes shakily]
Oh, my God, Kevin!
Why
would you do this?
[pants]
[exhales sharply]
And why would you do this
-to me?
-[continues panting]
[sobs]
[menacing music builds]
-[TV buzzes]
-[gasps, whimpers]
[pants]
[groans, continues panting]
[grunts, pants]
[suspenseful music playing]
Wilda!
Wilda!
[dog barking in distance]
-[screams]
-[high-pitched screaming]
[screaming fades]
-[music concludes]
-[cryptic music playing]
[chopsticks thumping]
-[groans]
-What the fuck!
What is happening?
-No!
-Someone call 9-1-1!
-[laughs]
-[whimpers]
[beeps]
[gentle music playing]
So, how is he?
[Cody] I couldn't bring myself
to go in,
but Wilda's in there right now.
So, Ojai, Krotona?
Are you nervous?
Uh, just trying to stay present.
[chuckles] Wait, ther--
One more thing. Ther--
[voice over PA, through phone]
Delta Flight 6504 to Los Angeles
now boarding Group C.
Uh, that's me.
Okay dude, um,
give Wilda my love,
and, and yeah, I gotta go.
[smacks lips, sighs]
Hey! Uh, how is he?
This is where
he needs to be, yeah?
-They can help him here.
-It's over.
[smacks lips]
Yeah, no, I, I understand.
Um... it's been a lot.
-No, that's not what I mean.
-[mellow music playing]
[sniffs]
[exhales shakily]
Is... is anyone still there?
[unsettling music builds]
Hello?
[exhales sharply]
[pants]
[shudders, snuffles]
[sinister music playing]
[music builds]
[unsettling music builds]
[music intensifies]
[music concludes]