Deliver Us from Eva (2003) Movie Script

You know when a funeral
is really awful?
When it's yours.
That's me, Ray Adams-
young, gifted and dead.
These are my remains.
And these three
mournful brothers,
they're the men who killed me.
Aw, they look so sad,
don't they?
But this is how
they really feel.
But they're not
the real reason I'm dead.
These are their women.
Fine, ain't they?
Some families
are blessed with great genes,
and the Dandridge sisters
had it all.
But they're not the reason
I'm dead either. She is.
How did this sweet-faced woman
cause a man to die?
Well, it began six months ago.
Go! Go! Go!
- Now Howard comes up the middle,
- breaks the tackle and gets the first down.
Hey, baby, that's really nice of you,
sweetie, but we already have some food here.
- What are you doing in here?
- Trying to watch the game that's right behind you.
My book club is meeting
in here tonight.
Baby, remember when we
talked last month?
You said it was okay
if we watched the game.
Oh, yeah. Eva changed all that.
She was supposed to tell you.
- Well, she didn't.
- Hey, it's the men. What are you doing here?
Are you joining our book club?
It's gonna be very enlightening.
Sweetness, precious,
Would it be okay, you know, if you
could take it in the other room?
- Because we're all settled in.
- Yeah, the other room.
- Well, I guess we could.
- You got a great girl!
I love you, baby.
No! No, we cannot!
Oh, yeah- Oh.
Michael, Timothy, Darrell.
Our book club
is reading Beloved,
and we're gonna need the television
to watch the film when we're done.
Oh, yeah, that's right,
honey. We need the room.
You did not tell me you wanted
to use the room in my house, Eva.
Well, I'm telling you
right now, Timothy.
And it is half
my sister's house too.
Community property.
See, 'cause I want Kareenah to make
a good impression on the book club.
Don't you?
- Excuse me?
- Yes.
Look, we were
here first, Eva.
Yes, but certainly the temporal
proximity of our advents...
isn't determinative, is it?
- I'll get back to you on that one.
- Yeah.
Do you know what
she just said right there?
- You don't get to me with your $50 words, Eva.
- That's right.
What would you say if I
demanded you to leave this room?
I would say I find your particular
brand of crack very amusing.
This isn't about a book...
versus a football game, fellas.
Oh, no. This is about men
versus women.
Women who aspire to culture...
and men who aspire
to scratch themselves.
Women who bear the burdens in life
and men who create those burdens.
Women who uplift humanity
and men who uplift lap dances.
If society were left
to the whims of men,
we'd still be in caves carving
pictures with our non-opposable thumbs.
So, today, gentlemen,
is the day
for civilized behavior.
Today we women raise our voices against
tyranny, crudeness and play-off games.
And that is it, gentlemen.
End of story. The fat lady's
singing! Out of the room.
By the way, if any of that was lost upon
you, then I've just proven my point again.
Excuse me.
Kareenah, baby,
I am putting
my foot down.
Damn! Damn!
I can't stand her.
I can't stand her either, but
you really need to calm down.
You're making me stressed. You need
to stand up to your wife, Timothy.
It's like she tookyour balls
and turned them into earrings.
Your wife is bling-blingin'
with your nuts.
This is what we get for being
with Eva's little sisters.
They could never stand up
to us without Eva.
I really did think I was getting
one of the fabulous Dandridge girls.
I didn't know it came with
the sister-in-law from hell.
You gotta admit, they were the
finest women in the neighborhood.
We used to say their daddy's johnson
- Should be bronzed. Right.
Did you notice how they
stuck together in an argument?
One for all and all for Eva.
That's how they're getting down.
Come on, fellas. We need
to be more compassionate.
Their parents died when they
were young and left them alone,
so they have to stick together. Yeah.
I should've used that argument to
get on Eva about that Dandridge fund.
- You know what? I would've done it.
- Look at you cosigning.
Mike, please, you need to
let that go. Every time. Okay.
They've been putting money in that
account ever since they were teenagers.
- What are they doing with it? Nothing.
- Step away from my man.
I bet they don't even know
how much is in there.
- There's no need for this.
- If he's your man, then what's he doing here with me?
Charity work, heifer.
Look- Look- Hey, hey, hey!
This is just
a big misunderstanding, okay?
Fellas, I know that brother.
Yo, Ray!
I didn't even know
he was back in town.
You should be mad at me,
not each other.
I've been dating both of you, and
- True, we don't have a commitment.
But I couldn't decide
between you. Hey, fellas.
I think he might be the man
to rid us of Eva.
That dude? Aw, hell, no. You'd
be better off getting Ike Turner.
They're about to cuss his ass out
and leave him high and dry. Watch.
- Yeah, he's right.
- Let's go, all right?
Oh, me too?
- Get out of here!
- Be right back.
- Did you see that? Did you see that?
- Wow!
- Good to see you, man.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Fellas, he said he'll meet us
here the day after tomorrow.
So he's a freak.
How does that help us with Eva?
- Eva just needs a man.
- Come on, now.
Remember, we tried that?
Remember Rashaun? Yeah.
All I said was,
you was a little uptight.
But I like that though.
So it was like a compliment
in reverse.
Oh, reverse. Right. I see. Yeah. Yeah.
You feeling me.
Yeah, sure.
Did you know that female spiders eat
the male when she's done with him?
Yeah. They date, they laugh, and then
she turns his ass into a crab cake.
Now, while the prospect of biting
your head off makes me happy,
I am sure that ultimately
you are not a Happy Meal.
So, I'm moving on
to better cuisine.
Good-bye, Rashaun.
Eva, wait. You're just
gonna say good-bye?
Oh, no, it's not good-bye.
It's hello in reverse.
Eva. Come on, girl.
- Eva put that man in the mental ward.
- You're always exaggerating.
Eva drove the brother insane.
I seen him last week.
Dude sound like Ron Hopper.
Now he t-t-talk like th-th-this.
This can work with Ray.
The boy is a specialist.
He is a master player.
Listen, Ray can get Eva
to let go ofher sisters.
Then when it's just us and
them, we can have all their love.
- Right, right.
- We can get him to seduce her.
- Yes! - 'Cause all she really
needs is some you- know-what.
Hold up. What Eva really
needs is a sensitive man-
somebody that can help her
with her personality problems.
What she needs is a dude that can hit that
ass till she starts speaking in tongues.
- Amen.
Right, right, right.
Can Ray do that?
Okay, later,
after we finish doing it,
we're gonna lie together and hold
each other and talk for a while, right?
Okay. We can do it, but
I have to study. Come on.
Eva says if I stick to a study schedule
- Don't say the "E" word.
- Not in this house.
- I have to stick to my study schedule, okay?
All of us agreed. What is
with you Dandridge women?
I love my sisters, okay?
I'm sorry.
I love you too.
It's just in a different way.
Okay. Then I demand that you love
me the same way that you love them.
You and them-
it's like apples and oranges.
What? Lady, I am your husband,
okay? I pledged my life to you...
before God and a bunch of ugly
- ass relatives I don't even like.
I gave up all my wild ways for you,
and, baby, I had a hell of a lot of them.
I never told you about the roses and the
butt-naked midgets or none of that shit.
I had midget pros in different area codes. Uh
- huh.
Therefore, I demands
to be a damn orange.
You can stop playing now.
You know what? Fine.
If a brother can't be an orange,
then you're cut off.
I'm cut off? For real?
Yeah. That's right. Back up.
I'm cut off? You gonna
cut me off? Don't touch me.
Don't do that. Don't do it. Oh, damn.
Don't do this. Don't.
Oh, damn,
the flesh is weak. Oh.
Right there.
- I have a dreadful problem. I need your help.
- Gosh, you're doing it.
- How the hell did you get in here?
Jacqui gave me a key
in case of an emergency.
- Are you okay?
- Don't mind us. We're just having sex.
So I should just come back in,
what, two minutes?
- Is it really important?
- Get your ass out!
- Just give us one minute.
- Oh,just one minute? Damn, it's worse than I thought.
Man, what the
- She probably had a bad day or something.
Look, hold on.
Where you going?
Eva needs me. But we need you too! No-
Wait a minute!
Damn you, Eva!
- So,you two still talking about having a baby?
- Shh.
Not so loud.
IfTim even hears the word
"baby," he jumps on top of me.
Oh, that's just
his male biological clock.
It's when a man begins having
baby fever, like a woman.
I read about it
in Psychology Today.
All I know is that every time we
argue about it, he ends up drinking.
The drinking
isn't serious, is it?
No, but-
Well, you know, his father
had a drinking problem. Mmm.
Mmm. Ah! What do you think I should do?
I don't like getting in
married people's business.
There's nothing wrong with a grown
man having an occasional drink.
Although a study did show that a
drinking problem can be hereditary.
You don't want your baby coming out of the
womb talking about, "Where the liquor at?"
It wouldn't be right.
Oh, hey, hey, hey. Baby,
I was still drinking that.
Honey, I know, but you shouldn't
drink so much, you know?
Eva and I werejust talking, and
- This is not what you need.
Do you wanna do the breathing
exercises Bethany talked about?
I don't wanna breathe. I just
want a drink. I want that drink.
Baby, I don't like
to bring up the past,
but you know that little problem
your daddy has.
- I'm not my father.
- Oh, sweetie, I know. I know.
It's just, tonight,
no more drinking for me.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Baby, can I just-
Aw, come on, honey. Sing
it with me. Please? No.
It's our theme song. Aw, party
- poop. No. No. No. No.
Hey, I'm in here! Get out of
I hate that damn song!
Yeah! Smell that! Ew!
This is Ray Adams,
y'all. What's happening?
I thought you moved to Florida. I did.
I worked at a car dealership down
there, but that was a year ago.
I never keep a job
more than a year.
- I work for Jomo's Meats in L.A. now.
- I know Jomo's.
Why do you quit your job every
year? What's that about, brother?
Well, I have to service
my many talents. Oh.
I was brought up an orphan.
No mama, no daddy.
No ties.
That's how I do it.
If you guys hadn't noticed,
Ray is quite the player.
- As we saw the other night.
- Yeah. Love your work, baby.
You ought to be exempt
from taxes for that shit.
Nothing Mike couldn't do. No,
I turned in my player card.
I'm practically engaged to
a beautiful woman named Bethany.
Thank you, thank you.
She's gorgeous too, but not
as fine as her sister, Eva.
- Yeah, I can't even front.
- I wish I was good enough for Eva.
- I wish I was her garbage, man. Look.
- Pow!
She's cute. But why is
she scowling like that?
Her face is so tight.
That's her sexy smirk.
She ain't scowling.
Right. Right.
W- W-What's c-c-cracking,
f- fellas?
B- Bitch!
Hey! Hey!
Back over here, man.
Don't pay the retard-
The drinking
- He got out early. That's all.
Ray, how would you like
to meet Eva?
- Is she giving it up?
- "Is she giving it up?"
- Man, she's double-jointed. - She's
lookin' up at her feet every night.
- Bumping her head on the headboard, all that.
- That's right.
So I only have one question:
What's wrong with her?
Nothing. Nothing.
So three grown men
walk into a bar...
to hook up a man
for a perfectly good woman.
What is it? She got five kids, a violent ex
- con boyfriend?
Is she one of those evil, nasty sisters
who beats a brother down till he's dust?
- What is it?
- It's the ex- con thing, bro.
- Darrell!
- Ray, Ray, look, I gotta be honest with you.
Eva is a piece of work, but we're prepared
to make it worth your while to take her out.
You're gonna pay me
to go out with her?
Are you worried that that
makes you look like a gigolo?
- No. I mean, I kind of like that aspect.
- Okay!
All right.
I'm in a financial bind.
My landlord is selling my house.
I need cash to buy it.
Man, that is perfect. Then we
all can benefit from this deal.
Here's what we need you to do:
Take her out for a couple of months.
Not just distract her,
but make her fall hard for you.
I can definitely do that.
And I love a challenge.
Really, she can't be
all that bad, can she?
Eva's sisters gave her a cross
with Jesus on it for her birthday.
- The next day,Jesus was gone.
- You're kidding, right?
No. When you do it, you have to
make her fall in love with you,
then you tell her you're leaving
town and get her to go with you.
- Then you can dump her. It'll take her years to relocate.
- Yes!
Time out. I'm sorry. This ain't
my kind of thing, you know.
I'm a lover, not a con man. Mike,
let's hang out sometime, okay?
But, Ray-
Get him a drink.
Take another look at her.
That's not a zero.
But think about it, Ray.
You just had to bring up
theJesus thing.
He got muscles. I didn't
think he'd be scared of her.
Hey, I went out with that construction
guy yesterday. The cute one?
Mm-hmm. And you know
we ended up in the bed.
Did he have to take a number,
or was the line moving briskly?
No, no, tell it, please.
Ormandy, go.
Thank you, Eva.
Honey, he dropped his pants,
and he whipped it out
all proud.
And I said, "Oh, no.
Where's the rest of it?"
Ya have to put man in place
sometime, ya hear that?
- Did she just call me a bitch?
- Right.
What's up?
- Hey!
Hey, baby.
Listen, Eva, I need to have a little
talk with you about the Dandridge fund.
Why is that, Michael?
You're not in our family.
- But I'm almost in.
- Almost isn't in, now, is it?
Mike, honey, do you really want
to get into an argument...
with a woman in here, hmm?
Got some Frosted Mini-Wheats
in your scalp. Hey! You're fine.
You're right, baby. You got
that thing for me? Oh, yeah.
Fiber? "Fiber Power. "
Are you okay, Mike?
Is everything moving all right?
He's a little irregular. All right.
You don't have to announce it.
- Hey, I got somethin'for that.
- And if she can't fix you, I know I can.
You need to quit, Telly, 'cause I
ain't even close to going your way.
Let me call headquarters.
Hello. Yeah, it's me.
Listen, take Mike off the list.
Sixty-nine out.
I should've never came to this
place, better known as "Man Hell. "
No, this is
a female sanctuary.
- Way the whole world ought to be.
Ain't that right, ladies? - Mm-hmm.
See you.
Get some milk for them cornflakes. Hey.
You should start making him take better care
ofhimself if you guys are gonna get married.
He should get a colonic or see a
specialist. And I know a good one.
Hey, got your order.
Where do you want it?
Freezer number one.
Make sure you stack them neatly.
Excuse me.
Where's Leonard?
He's sick. I'm Oscar,
the assistant manager.
Okay, Oscar, I'm Inspector
Dandridge from the health department.
Yes, I've heard about you.
Good. Then you know the drill.
Let's get clean.
It does not look good,
I found contamination
in red zones.
Your glass freezer door
has a hairline break in it.
And I found black pellets behind
the food containers in the back.
That is probably just graphite
from the new units we put in.
Your water's only 105 degrees.
Can you just let that slide?
The requirement is 110,
because science tells us...
at that temperature all
dangerous organisms will die.
That means in your water, some will
live. And not just any germs, Oscar.
No. The bad-ass ones, the ones that can
swim in 105- degree-temperature water...
and live to party on
some child's french fries.
We don't serve fries.
Are you mocking me?
No, ma'am. That's good,
because I'm not done yet.
This entire kitchen gets a level
four sanitation or you get written up.
What? No, that means
it's in the newspaper.
Thank goodness for you I've
got a soft heart. Heart?
You don't have a heart.
You got a hole with an ice pump in
it. You know, I don't understand you.
Why do you have to be
so goddamn uncompromising?
It's called principle,
Maybe the world is in
short supply, but I am not.
People pay their tax dollars
for my principle...
so they can go into a restaurant
and not eat chicken fried rat...
or bite into a bacon,
lettuce and ptomaine sandwich.
If I slack up on you, then I
have to cut everyone a break,
and pretty soon, the almonds
on your salad have legs.
If that makes me uncompromising,
well, I wear it as a badge of honor,
because I'm in
damn good company.
Martin Luther King was uncompromising,
Nelson Mandela was uncompromising,
and I'm sure your mother
was uncompromising,
although the evidence of that
is not apparent today.
So, why don't you think of me
as your mom right now?
And Mama says,
"Clean it up!"
See you in 48 hours.
All right.
I'll go on the date with Eva.
Mmm! Yes! Yes! What made
you change your mind, Ray?
I saw her
at a restaurant.
If I can get that woman, I'll go
down in the Player Hall of Fame.
You sure will.
Okay, okay.
So what's your price? I need
five grand to get the house.
Five thousand dollars? I
don't know, man. Hey, hey, hey-
Forty-five, what did you say
about five thousand dollars?
Um, I said,
"Five pounds
of collard greens, man.
No ham. "
Ordering soul food.
Five thousand dollars?
Yes, man.
I saw her in action.
You're getting off cheap.
I don't know. I gotta talk
to the guys about this, Ray.
All right. Well, let me know. I'm ready.
Thank you. Thank you.
- I want to talk to you for a second, Eva.
- What about, sir?
I was offered a position as
deputy health inspector in Chicago.
- That's great.
- I'm not taking the job,
but I think
you should consider it.
Me, Theo?
The representative from Chicago's been here
all week checking out my best inspectors.
- He liked you. Send in Mr. Tillman.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, goodness.
- Hello, Eva.
- You were checking me out the other day.
- Yes, I was.
And you were amazing.
You passed
with flying colors.
I should have worn my diaper.
Chicago's a tough town.
- We need our inspectors to have your intensity.
- Okay!
- I'm at a loss for words.
- And that doesn't happen often.
You don't have to
say anything now.
I've still got a few more candidates
in other cities to look at.
But I'll let you know in a few
weeks when I make my decision.
Meeting you was...
an experience.
Uh, Theo.
Right. Bye.
That's great. I wanted your
job, but this is way better.
- Oh, my God!
- This will be very exciting for you.
Better job,
more money in a new city.
Yeah, my sisters are-
- What?
- Nothing.
I'm sure they're gonna be
really happy for me.
Thank you
for recommending me.
I will see you in two weeks. Thank you.
How come I can never get
my toes done on girls'night?
'Cause it's only
for the Dandridge sisters.
- And nobody wants to
touch your funky-ass feet. -
Oh! Ladies, ladies,
guess who I saw.
Lucius Johnson.
- Lucious Lucius.
- Hmm.
I wouldn't mind
seeing him again.
Me neither.
I wonder if he's married.
Eva, are you okay?
Yeah, sure.
Why wouldn't I be?
- Are you still stuck on Lucius?
- No! G-God!
Come on. Ancient history. Eva,
once you give a man some of
your energy, he always has it.
- Well, yeah.
- Especially if he popped that cherry.
- Pop, pop, pop!
- No, no, no!
- There was no pop, pop, popping of any cherries, Ormandy.
Lucius was my first,
and I was his. That's all.
Listen, the best way
to get over an old man-
Is to get under a new one.
Yeah! I am not thinking about Lucius.
It's girls'night, right?
I'm sure that a group of intelligent...
women can come together...
and talk about something
besides men.
- Sad.
Well, Tim did introduce me to
somebody new in his department.
- Do you wanna meet him?
- I do need a date...
to the mayor's formal
fund-raiser in a couple weeks.
All right. I'll bite.
What are his vitals?
Thirty-six, divorced, two kids.
I hear he's in group therapy.
- Pass -
Mmm. - Uh-uh.
Girl, messed-up men
are the best ones.
- A messed-up man is redundant.
- I don't need to be set up, okay?
I'm good.
I prayed on this.
God- God is gonna
take care of it.
God ain't shipping out
no men.
Like hell he ain't.
Look here, when you talk to God,
tell him a sister needs
a tall, fine one.
- And not gay.
- You know you want the soul pole.
No, he didn't. No, he didn't! Bam!
A star for a star.
You shouldn't let Eva stop us
from moving in together, Beth.
See, I just don't sense
that we're spiritually...
in tune with each other...
And besides,
we're not married. Hmm?
I'm not gonna propose
just to spend the night.
Okay. Have I ever
pressured you about that?
Of course not.
And Eva says cohabitation does not increase
the chances of a lasting relationship.
Oh, my God. Will you stop
it with the "Evaisms"?
That woman with her statistics
and her philosophy- Mike, honey-
She's very intelligent.
Don't hate on her for it.
If she's so smart, why doesn't
she dissolve the fund...
and let you live your own lives
with your own money?
You know what? This is stress.
You wanna do some meditation, hmm?
No. No meditation.
Stress is why your colon
is all clogged up.
Thanks to Eva's doctor,
my colon is a freeway.
Look, all I wanna do
is spend the night with you...
and not have to get up in the middle
of the night like some criminal.
I enjoy spending time
with you.
I love the way you blink.
I love that smile.
I love you.
I love you too.
But why should a man buy the software
when he can download for free?
That is Eva talking. That is
not you talking. No, actually-
Jacqui said it,
but it doesn't matter.
You know, Eva took charge of the
family after our parents died.
If we wanna have a child, it
should be our decision, not Eva's.
All she said was that most marriages
fail within the first five years.
Fifty-two percent. We've
only been married for three.
If we had a baby
and something were to go wrong,
then there's an innocent life
hanging in the balance of our failure.
Nothing... is going...
to go... wrong.
Mmm. Hmm?
Besides,you know I didn't have a
good relationship with my father.
Honey, I know, but-
And all I want...
is my chance...
to be a good daddy,
to have
a little brown bundle...
of love... and life.
And I want it
because I love you.
Now, tell me,
is that so wrong?
Fifty-two percent.
Eva gives great advice.
She put me through med school,
you know?
God, do I know that!
You know what?
You're not married to me.
You're married to Eva. I'm
just a handyman with a penis.
Tim, like you ever fix
anything around here!
What- What did I say?
I cannot believe we are paying
five grand to this man.
Just think of it as an investment.
Once Eva's gone, we'll all be happy.
It was a great idea-you having
him meet Eva at church.
- She is going to love that.
- Well-
Fellas, I don't think we should
be talking about this here.
God might hear us. God
made Eva, so we're even.
Speaking of which, where is this guy?
Church is almost over.
Tim, this is a black church.
It's never over.
Excuse me.
Yo, what took you
so long?
I'm not the churchgoing type.
You people get up early.
Nice job with the choir,
Eva, girl. They were bangin'.
You know, Reverend, your sermon
today was great. I mean, bang-up job.
Although you did miss a word of
that verse from the Book of Acts.
I think I was the only one who
caught it, and, well, God, of course.
So I took the liberty of
jotting down a few suggestions...
on how you can do better
in the future. Say what?
My child, please.
I appreciate that.
But you know what?
I got this.
- Praise the Lord.
Praise him. Eva, we're
all waiting for you.
Can't you see I'm busy, Michael?
I am speaking with the reverend.
Oh, no, no, honey.
Please, go.
Go back to your friends.
Please- No. Go.
Actually, Reverend, I needed to
talk to you and get your advice...
for a friend of mine who has a
dilemma about a job she's considering.
Mmm. I've got people who have
much bigger problems, Eva.
People whose souls need to be saved
from eternal damnation. Stuff like that.
A soul lasts forever,
Reverend, and this job may not.
Please, I need to tell her
what to do. Tell your friend I-
Follow her heart.
Now, please, excuse me.
Eva, this is Ray Adams,
a friend of mine.
Hello, Raymond.
Call me Ray. No one calls me
Raymond. Well, I do, Raymond.
What's so funny?
I love a woman
who speaks her mind.
My girlfriend's the same way.
Oh. Well, good for her.
Ray, I didn't know
you were seeing anyone.
Oh, yeah,
about six months now.
I see a friend of mine over there.
It's nice to meet you. All of you.
What the hell
was that, man?
Why did you tell her you had a
woman? We gave you half the money.
If you're thinking about screwing us
- Mmm! Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
No woman wants a man who another
woman doesn't already want.
The next time I meet her,
I'll make my move.
I'm sure me and my girlfriend
will be having trouble by then.
You're good. I should've known. Yeah.
Look, Tim is having some people
over next week for a barbecue.
Why don't you come by?
I will.
Just let the master
handle his business.
By the way, I'm gonna need
a little expense money.
Expenses for what? I need
funding to take Eva on a date.
What about the five
grand? That was my fee.
"Fee. " "Expenses. "
See how the words are different?
Three hundred should
do it. Three hundred?
Three hundred dollars?
All right. Fine. Fine.
But you're on it.
Like wet paint.
- Ray was pretty fine. - Yeah, and he
has a girlfriend. - Leave him alone.
- All the good prospects are all taken.
- Or gay.
You should always use an opportunity
like this to swoop on a man.
When Mr. Mason left his wife
last year, I jumped right on it.
- Ormandy, Mr. Mason is 70.
- Are you crazy? See, an old man is a perfect man.
You give him a little Viagra
so he can handle his business,
and right before he gets on your nerves,
honey, he dies and leaves you his cash.
That's like having a dick with
a lottery number on it! Yeah!
- Mm-mmm, that's nasty. -
Eva isn't a home wrecker.
So don't worry about them.
You can do much better.
- Jacqui, you are always blocking on Eva.
- I do not.
You do too. You're spoiled.
- You always wanna keep Eva to yourself.
- No, that's ridiculous.
- Isn't that, Eva?
- Of course it is, honey.
Jacqui, you are a big-ass baby.
- The queen ofbig-ass babies. - So why
are you guys always ganging up on me?
- Because you're an evil, twisted little heifer.
- Twisted!
- Ladies, is this how we behave?
- It has been this way since we were little!
When you cut off my baby doll's
head when I was 10!
You broke my Boo-Boo Kitty,
so the bitch had to die!
- I'm moving to Chicago.
- Eva, what did you just say?
- I'm moving to Chicago.
I might be getting a betterjob
and moving...
to Chicago.
My boss told me
the other day.
Come on. I mean, it's deputy
health inspector of Chicago!
It's a great opportunity.
Look, I've been looking
for a way to tell you guys.
So there it is...
in a nutshell.
That's great for you.
Yeah, it- it is.
Girl, there's some fine brothers
up in Chicago.
So you're just gonna up
and leave, just like that?
No, I have to get
the job first.
I'll find out in a few
weeks. Oh, I'm sorry.
First you get the job, then you pack
up and leave like a thief in the night?
You're just gonna leave us
like that? Do not attack Eva.
She has sacrificed for us. I'm not!
Okay, okay, stop!
Please, stop it! Stop it!
If you don't want me to go,
Jacqui, I won't.
- It's not my decision.
- It is if you're gonna hate me for it.
I don't wanna lose your
friendship, any of you.
Jacqui doesn't mean it,
do you?
I do want you
to be happy, Eva.
So if going...
makes you happy,
I'm happy.
You sure?
- You promise?
I love you, sister.
I love you too, sister.
Mm-hmm. We so pretty,
perfect and shit.
Hey, make sure you
cook that meat thoroughly.
I'd hate to tell you what kind
of things live in raw meat.
Please don't.
Thank you very much.
Babe. Is he eating those beans again?
What's wrong? I see Darrell
found my spicy baked beans.
- Give him the Heimlich.
- Separates the men from the boys.
- He knows better.
- No. See, give him some bread, you guys. Bread.
Baby, here, eat this. Eat
this. Here, here, here.
If you wanna help, stop making
these damn beans every function, Eva!
- What did you put in that stuff?
- Special recipe.
- It's only for a real man.
- I just wanna hear him talk.
Give him some more beans. Can he talk?
Oh, hey. I didn't know
Mike's friend was coming.
Oh, baby, listen. Why
don't you take care of this?
I'm gonna go over and say hello. Okay.
Excuse me, Eva.
Ray, what's up? Yo!
He's really fine, Eva.
I'm not impressed
by that... much.
You say hi to Ray, man?
Give him a chance.
You gotta bend a little, girl.
Are you saying
I'm not accessible?
Yes, that is what
I'm saying, Eva.
You know, you're too good
of a person to be alone.
What's going on?
Everything's cool? Yeah.
I'm your sister, I love you,
and I'm asking you to bend.
Okay, but it's the fine ones
who leave you broke,
with bad credit
and a hair weave you don't need.
Hello again, Eva.
Hi, Raymond.
Look here, I hope you don't
mind, but I invited Ray.
No, he's most welcome.
Look, I have to
go tell Darrell something.
I'll be right back.
Yeah, you know what? These
- We don't need to cook these.
Excuse us.
Good to see you.
So, Raymond, what is it
that you do again?
I deliver meat...
Meat delivery.
Jomo's deals in only premium
meats, high-end clientele.
What about you?
I'm a health inspector.
- That sounds interesting too.
- I need a gurney for my ass.
See the man with flames
coming out of his ass?
We're gonna need backup.
Thank you. Squeeze and pull.
- How about we go get a plate of food?
- Sure. A nice hot one.
Two minutes and she
has not insulted him.
This could be very promising.
Mm-hmm. They feel good together to me.
So, you wanna go out
with me sometime?
Is your girlfriend coming too?
'Cause we could all play canasta...
or Parcheesi
or Taboo or something.
Well, she's, uh-
Actually, it's not working out.
We're not together anymore.
As one car breaks down,
you just hop into another one?
I'd like to think that going
out with you is riding in a limo.
- I'm sorry. Did I insult you?
- No. No, it was very funny.
I just don't laugh a lot.
Lord, help me.
That's a good-looking man.
I can't keep
my legs together.
The sun comes up and you
can't keep your legs together.
He's got sneaky eyes.
don't you start.
I didn't make the man's eyes
all beady and shifty. Shh!
- What?
- You never answered my question.
What question was that?
Will you go out with me?
Look, Raymond, I know we just met,
and you seem like a really nice guy,
but I think I should tell you a
little something about myself. Okay.
I know the one thing
that scares men to death.
- What's that?
- I know the truth about them.
And the truth is, most men
don't really know what they want.
I've been through
all the basic types.
The playa-playas, who
think women are disposable toys.
The confused man, who doesn't know if
he wants to date you or your brother.
The lazy ones, who live with their mother
and expect you to pick up the check.
So if you really
wanna go out with me,
realize that it means
being a gentleman,
understand that it means
respecting my mind, body and spirit.
Eva, I'm not afraid
of you.
And I wanna go on record as
saying I totally respect...
your mind and your spirit.
- What about my body?
- It's beautiful.
- But will you respect it?
- I'll do anything to it you want me to.
Look at that. The corners of
your mouth actually turn up.
A smart-ass.
I like that.
So, will you
go out with me?
He's eating the beans.
He's eating the beans.
Oh, no, brother.
Don't do it, brother.
Whoo! That's good.
That's really good.
- Kareenah sure can cook, huh?
- Actually, I made those beans.
You put your foot in them, girl.
Damn, I love spicy food.
- How about we go out this weekend?
- Sounds good.
You're late.
I know.
I left early, but there was a
real bad accident on the street.
- Who told you I like lilies?
- Sometimes a man gets lucky.
Looks like somebody likes-
I was noticing all the pictures
of the horses.
You look good.
I love horses.
And thank you.
Here, uh,
let me take these from you.
You ever see the accident rates
on these things?
They're very dangerous.
That's why I drive this.
You're joking, right?
This is what you drive
when you take out a woman?
Yeah. It's clean
and it's free.
I'm saving to buy a house. Oh.
I can understand that. Home
ownership is very important.
Does your mother live with you? No.
Even better.
My boss has been hinting
he might want to slow down.
Let somebody run
the day-to-day for him.
I think he might want me to do it.
That's great. When do you start?
I'm thinking about it. There is
nothing wrong with a little ambition.
I was a secretary in my department.
Now I'm the lead inspector.
I gave myself five years to
get there. I did it in four.
There you go, doing that thing
you do with your face again.
Just drive
your meat wagon, man.
Did you hear about the
black caveman they found?
They knew he was black by the curve
of his jaw, length of his spine,
Cadillac he was buried in.
You tell me a joke now. I'm not
a jokey-joke type person, so-
How about a little music?
All right, all right.
I love this record.
This must be a pretty good restaurant,
you being a health inspector and all.
Oh, yeah. Most places
I can't even go to.
They try to poison me. But this place
- Oh, God, it's different.
The manager has O.C.D.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder.
He cleans all day long.
You could eat off the floors.
Sounds appetizing.
Oh, you think that's funny?
Did you know that if food
isn't prepared just right...
your throat can close up and
you can drown in your own vomit?
Oh, I'm hungry now.
Mmm!Just like
Mama used to make.
Okay. That's really funny, Raymond,
but I know when somebody's choking.
You can stop now.
Oh, my God. Call 911!
That's not the hug I was hoping
for, but it'll do for now.
I'm just playing.
Is everything all right?
Yes. My friend here
was just telling a littlejoke.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, well, Inspector Dandridge.
Now, you-you manage the Red
Leaf restaurant across town.
Oh, no, not after
your last inspection.
I was fired for a broken light
bulb in a freezer. Remember?
No. No, no, no,
I don't want you.
I want the man with O.C.D.
Eva, relax.
It's all right.
The old manager's not here.
How's that salad working?
You know, we used our special
house dressing just for you.
- Creamy, isn't it?
- I'm not eating here. Let's go.
I'm sure it's okay.
Did you hear what I just said?
I am not eating here.
Let's go! Okay. Okay.
Don't forget to validate.
Don't be mad at me.
I just wanted to stay.
And have her
put things in my food?
I don't think so, pal. I just
think you overreacted a little bit.
You're a civil servant,
not the F.B.I.
Well, excuse the hell
out of me.
Why don't you tell me about the
demanding world of meat delivery?
So, you just basically pick it up
and deliver it to a guy named Bob?
Or is there some sort of math
involved? You don't need to be so nasty.
Oh, there is definitely a need
for me to get nasty.
My job is serious.
It is not a hobby.
Guess what, meat boy? I'm sure
my job pays more than yours does.
So in my eyes, the eyes
of society and the I.R.S.,
that makes me bigger
and better than you.
So why don't you think about
that the next time you're out...
doing the complex work
of toting around a pig's ass.
'Cause that's like
a family thing.
You know, with the thing
- Excuse me.
Hello. Kareenah, it's
Eva. I need to talk.
It's Eva. And Kareenah.
We got an emergency.
Jacqui, it's Eva.
And Kareenah. And
Bethany. Code seven, girl.
- What's up?
- The date was catastrophic.
Wait till I tell you what happened.
This fool had the nerve to-
- What the hell went wrong?
- Kareenah was falling in love with having a baby.
And me and my wife
were cuddling. I mean,
I was hitting it real manly,
and I didn't get to finish.
They had a four-way phone
conference about your date all night.
I thought you was the master
player. The master player.
I can't get to her. Most women have
a few barriers around their hearts.
Eva has an electrified fence
with rabid pit bulls. Okay?
And that mouth!
My ears are still bleeding.
We got to do something about this, 'cause
we can't have Eva messing up our plan.
Ray, listen, all you have to do is find a
way to get back on her good side. That's all.
- He's gotta sleep with her. That's what you gotta do.
- Yeah, that's it.
Look, I would love to have
another shot with her, all right?
My pride was hurt. But I'm
sure it's out of the question.
What, you don't like women?
Watch yourself now.
- You have to have sex with her.
- I don't think that's the answer.
Oh, man, he don't like women!
I told you this dude was-
Hey, hey! I do like women,
all right? How are you?
Look, fellas, I'm sorry,
but there's no way she's
gonna go out with me again.
Hmph. No way. I'll
give you your money back.
You're damn right
you will.
'Cause I'm in
damn good company.
Martin Luther King
was uncompromising.
Nelson Mandela:
Confucius: uncompromising.
And so am I. Here is your citation. Eva.
What, Raymond? I am working.
So am I.
And you're right.
There's no math involved.
Why did I stop her
from leaving?
It wasn'tjust curiosity
that made me go after her.
Now that I'm dead, I know it was
something special about Eva.
I know you're upset with me, but
I want you to go out with me again.
And why is that?
'Cause you're pretty.
That's the most shallow thing
I've ever heard.
It's not like I got to really know you.
So basically, I'm working on beauty here.
Well, you know what? I am so much
more than what's on the outside, okay?
More than what appeals
to some... meat man.
And thank you
for the compliment.
I feel like I owe you.
We can do anything you want.
Anything. Sky's the limit.
Wait. Okay. Okay.
Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa! Oh, God. Oh, God.
Hang on! Hang on!
My ass feels like it got
caught in a blender.
You did good. You only
fell what, four times?
I have a confession to make.
I used you.
I can't afford to
come here all the time.
I come but once a month
when I save my pennies.
When you asked to go out again,
I didn't really want to, but...
I thought, you know-
I guess that makes me
a bad person, right?
No. I just wanted to make up
for the other night.
Did you know I wanted to be a horse
trainer when I was a little girl?
No. But I could have guessed.
What happened?
I had to take care of my sisters, and a
beginning horse trainer doesn't pay big bucks,
so I took a job with the city
and another as a waitress.
And there you go.
Steady pay checks.
So why didn't you go back to it
after your sisters were okay?
You know what? Let's do
something you want to do.
Yeah, sure.
I have to say, this is exactly
how I thought you'd be living.
What, you got something
against pool?
No, but a sofa wouldn't
kill you, would it?
Your turn.
So how does
a meat delivery man...
afford a nice place like this?
He struggles and makes do.
Did I tell you my boss and I are
going to the mayor's mansion...
so we can show him cuts for
a private dinner he's having?
You're doing a meat show
for the mayor?
Meat presentation. There's a
subtle difference of humiliation.
So you never did
answer my question:
why you didn't go back into horse training
after your sisters got on their feet?
I don't want to talk
about it, okay?
It's hard to get to know someone
when they won't talk to you.
You know, we're having a really
good time right now, Raymond.
Let's just drop it, okay?
Did you know...
that I was an orphan
just like you and your sisters?
My mom gave me up after I was born. I
don't think she even knew who my father was.
Yeah, so that explains it,
why the idea of staying
in one place scares you so much.
Scares me? I said I was a multi
- talented guy that liked to travel.
- I didn't say I was scared.
- I read about it.
When a child is abandoned,
he becomes afraid that his
entire life will fall apart again.
I don't think
you should feel bad about it.
It's a completely
natural reaction.
Okay then. I won't
feel bad about it.
What about you?
Our parents died
in a car accident when I was 18.
Insurance paid for the house,
and we started a bank account
that we called the Dandridge fund.
I guess as they grew older,
I settled into this cushy
little life I have now.
And I didn't wanna go back and chase
dreams of becoming a horse trainer.
So I guess if it doesn't kill
you, it makes you stronger, huh?
I think what people mean
when they say that...
is that you deal with whatever pain that
you have by building a bridge over it...
with all the things that life
hasn't taken away from you.
So if it doesn't kill you,
it makes you build a bridge.
Yeah. Yeah. That's good. I
like that. I'm gonna use that.
You should be proud of yourself.
No. I'm proud
of my sisters.
What about you, Eva? I know
all that devotion cost you.
It did.
There was this guy,
Lucius Johnson. Lucius.
Anyway, he was
our local Mr. Everything.
You know. We were young,
but it was serious.
We were gonna get married, and Ready for
the World was gonna sing at our wedding.
But... he asked me to choose
between him and my sisters.
And when I didn't choose him, he
dumped me. Why didn't you choose him?
Because my sisters needed me more than
he did, and what I needed didn't matter.
So, what about you, Raymond? What has
the tragedy in your life given you?
You know!
Just cough up the damn money
so I can get goin'.
Uh, okay. I didn't mean
to interrupt.
- Yeah, you never do, Mike.
- Pay you on the bet later, Mike.
No problem, Ray.
It's all good, baby.
Mike's a lucky pool player.
That I am.
Look, I'm gonna let you two
get back to your date.
See you later.
You know, Mike and his little
buddies are not fooling me.
I didn't think so. No.
They set us up, you and me.
They want us to date so
I'll stay out of their hair.
You might not believe this. They
don't really like me very much.
I didn't get that.
So, uh, do you mind that
they set you up with me?
Just show me how to
hit the ball straight.
You want me to show you how
to hit the ball straight? Yeah.
First, hold
the stick straight.
That's it. Now slide the
stick between your fingers.
Eva never misses our night.
Something must
have happened.
- Maybe she had an accident.
- Oh, please. Eva would call from the ambulance.
- Eva's with Ray.
- What?
But... she hates him.
We all agreed.
- How do you know that?
- She called me on her cell phone to say that...
she and Ray were going
horseback riding.
- I guess it went well. -
Horses? Three words: e- rot-ic.
Horses make me feel
all tingly.
Shut up. Shut up.
Oh, my God.
Eva has a man.
- Hey, guys.
- Eva.
Chi-town is calling you.
Congratulations, Eva.
I don't know what to say.
Um, wow.
Can I have some time
to think about it?
- Sure, but why? This is a great opportunity.
- I know, I know.
A lot's changed in my life
since all this happened.
I know how
relocation can be.
Take some time.
Ray, you are the messiah.
I haven't seen Eva
in a week, bro.
And Kareenah and I are having baby
talk, my blood pressure's down,
and fellas, I do believe
I am growing another penis.
Eva's cool because Ray got
her into bed. Right, player?
That's right. No, no.
We're just hanging out.
- He's modest.
- Now you have to tell her you're moving to another state...
so she can get out
of our lives forever.
Yeah. Tell her you're going
to somewhere like Delaware.
Can't nobody find that shit
on the map. I know I can't.
- Do you have to be so gleeful about it?
- What did he say?
Hey, Ray, Ray, Ray,
Ray, Ray.
- You gotta be tough. You gotta stay strong for all of us.
- Yeah.
Men who get away with shit are the
backbones of this here country, Ray.
Yeah, life, liberty and
getting away with shit, Ray.
Did you know that Eva does charity
work, teaches Bible studies?
She loves animals. She
rides this horse named Romeo.
He reacts to her
like he understands.
We didn't say she was a bad person.
We said she was an irritating person.
Yeah, and that horse
is probably retarded, man.
- I'm just saying-
- Just saying what, Ray?
We had a deal, Ray.
- Remember your motto?
Player first- - Women second.
- Now, are you the man or what, Ray?
- Come on, Ray.
You're not hearing me.
Are you the man or what, Ray?
- You know I'm your man.
- Yeah! All right!
That's a player.
I wasn't worried.
That's my money working
right there.
Eva, you flying solo
Yeah, my boyfriend Ray had some
kind of inventory thing tonight, so-
So you given any thought
to the offer?
I'm still thinking
about it, sir.
Don't let me rush you, Eva.
We do have a small window here.
I'll keep that in mind.
Excuse me.
Um, let me get a white wine
spritzer, please.
You got it.
Eva. Eva Dandridge?
- Lucius?
- I thought that was you. How you been?
I'm fine, Lucius.
It's nice to see you again.
I want you to meet somebody.
My wife, Renee.
Baby, this is Eva.
- The one I told you about.
- Oh, the love of his life.
I've heard so much about you.
I hate you.
Yeah, Eva and I were engaged after
high school, but it didn't work out.
- You dumped me, Lucius.
- Right. Didn't you have to go work for your baby sisters?
Eva,you broke
Lucius's heart.
Thank God you did though. Or
else I never would have got him.
These are our kids.
They're cute.
Real cute.
I'm assistant to the mayor now.
Hired me right out of General Motors.
At a very generous salary.
- So, Eva, what is it that you do?
- I'm a health inspector.
Great. So you go look at dirty
kitchens and public restrooms...
and stufflike that?
- Sounds fascinating, girl.
- It pays the bills, yeah.
So where's your date?
He's running late.
Sorry, baby. I had that thing.
You okay?
Hi. Ray Adams.
How you doing, man? Lucius
Johnson. My wife, Renee. Hello.
Lucius. Heard a lot about you.
- So how long you two been going out?
- Not long.
I was in Africa on business. The city
is trading with the brothers over there.
I came all the way back
to escort Eva.
I had no idea the city of Los
Angeles was a trade partner in Africa.
You wouldn't. It's on the
highest levels of city government.
Really? Well, let's hear all
about this so-called trade program.
Ray, shush. It's fun
time now. Mr. Mayor!
Ray, how is my main man?
Good, sir. Good, good.
Good to see you.
This is my date, Eva.
So this is Eva?
Ray, you didn't
do her justice.
Thank you, sir.
- And this is, uh, Lumpy and Reeses.
- Lucius and Renee, sir.
I'm one of your new assistants and I thought that
- Ray.
I want you to bring this beautiful
young lady up to the house sometime.
Will do, sir.
Great to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Ray, my man.
I'm sorry about that-
You can have a rain check
on kissing my ass, Leo.
I have to dance
with the prettiest girl here.
Good seeing you again, Eva.
If you don't stop
staring at her,
I'm gonna slap the taste
out of your mouth.
Was that okay? The question
is, how did you do it?
Well, first I got home
from work early,
then I watched you from across the
room looking like you wanted to die.
Okay. And what
about the mayor?
I did a hell of a meat presentation
for him. Remember? That's right.
He's a really nice guy.
I only had to beg him once.
You know you look good
in that tux, right?
Your hair looks fine.
Thank you. Bethany did it.
I should go by there one day. No.
Promise me you will not go in there.
Okay. Okay.
You know, you're a good dancer.
You know. Body movement's
my specialty.
You know, they once banned
dipping in some countries...
because it was considered
a form of foreplay.
I didn't know that.
You learn something new
every day, huh? Yeah.
How long do you
wanna stay here?
After watching Lucius grovel,
not long.
What you wanna do?
Something fun.
Nice sofa.
I bought it just for you.
Just a second.
Let me get this off.
No, Eva. Don't take
your clothes off.
You wanna do it with them on? I'm
into that. Let me hike this up.
No. No, no, no, no.
I can't do this.
The bulge in your pants
didn't get that memo, so-
No, no, no, no. I- I need
to tell you something.
Yes. Whatever it is, yes. Yes. No, look.
I don't wanna move too fast.
Fast? No. The average American couple
has sex on their third date, and...
we have been dating way,
way, way longer than that.
I just-
Look, you've been through
so much stuff with men.
And I don't wanna mess things
up. I want it to be perfect.
I just think
we should wait a while.
I have to respect that,
don't I?
Yeah, I guess you do.
I have to go.
Please, don't be mad at me.
No, I'm not. It's just-
I just never had a guy who cared so
much about my feelings. It's kind of-
Oooh. It's making me
want you even more.
And if I don't leave
right now,
I'm gonna start saying all kinds
of hot, nasty, dirty things.
How hot and nasty?
Real freaky.
Go. Go.
Oh, God. Okay.
Yeah? Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Did I hurt you?
But I liked it.
Maybe next time we'll
actually make it to the bed.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That was good.
I wanted to say, the stuff I said
before, I just wanted to apologize.
I mean, how I acted.
That was
a beautiful apology.
The best part was when
you called me Ray.
That's 'cause there's not a lot of
need to be formal right about now.
'Cause I'm a big ho.
If you really wanna make
it up to me, tell me a joke.
No. I'm not a good joke teller. I'm
terrible. That's what makes it so special.
Okay. Oh, God.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
This guy goes
to a zoo, right?
You're gonna like it.
Okay, he goes to a zoo.
And he sees this gorilla.
Okay. And he says to the gorilla, "Yo, brother. Can you give. "
No. He says,
"Yo, brother. Can you loan-"
Yeah. "Yo, brother.
Can you loan me a dollar?"
And the gorilla says,
"That's why I don't wear pants. "
Oh, my God.
Don't you get it?
The pants and the gorilla.
Yeah. Best joke
I ever heard.
Best joke I ever heard.
I forgot about that joke.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness.
Thinking about what you told me
about your parents.
God, I mean, my folks died, but I
had my sisters to live for, you know?
I just think it might be-
it might be easier for you to get
over your fear of building a life...
if you had someone there
to help you do it.
I see.
You wanna be my bridge.
It's not like I wanna get
married to you or anything.
I can- I can be a really
good friend, that's all.
You give me your body, and then
you offer me your friendship?
My priorities are straight.
Thank you very much.
I'm offering you
the best of me right now.
I'm not the person
you think I am.
I know most women think their
man is the one that's different.
None of us are different.
I'm just like other men.
Maybe not as good as most.
I want you to think about what it
would take to build a bridge with me.
I can handle it, Ray. Okay?
I can handle it.
As long as you keep giving
me what I need, I am good.
You got all you want?
That. That.
A whole lot of that.
A lot of that?
A lot of that.
And all the other stuff too.
You hear me?
How can I turn down
a deal like that?
You can't.
Can you?
What's up?
Hey, girl. Nice shoes.
Ormandy. You look good.
Telly, baby,
give me some love.
Eva, what has gotten
into you?
- Not "what," "who. "
- What are you wearing?
- Eva, you're glowing.
- What did you do?
Shit, I ain't sharing
my "bidness" with you.
- Oh, my God. She said "shit. "
- And "bidness. "
- She gone mad to her ass.
- Y'all need to stop trippin'. I'm just in a good mood.
It's a beautiful day out. I'm with my
girls. Stop sweatin' me. My joints is hot.
And my cakes is moist.
Can a sister get some water, or
a fan or iceberg or something?
- Okay, Eva, for real. You're scaring me.
- Did you and Ray do it or not?
he did show up
at the mayor's fund- raiser.
Just when I was trapped
by Lucius Johnson...
and his wife.
- You saw Lucius? What did you do?
- Nothing. Ray did it.
He put that little sucker
in his place.
Excuse me, is there
like some, um, boning...
or salad tossing or something
in this story? Stop it.
Come on.
Okay. After he rescued me,
we danced all night long.
Slow, close,
just pelvis to pelvis.
And then we went back
to my place...
and had a nice
respectable evening.
And then we burned
a hole in the floor!
Wow. There's my baby.
Let's get freaky- deaky.
Come on, to the bedroom.
Follow me.
You know what Eva told me?
Here we go.
She told me that Ray drives his
old van from his job to save money.
So what? I mean, what's that
got to do with freaky-deaky?
I don't feel like
I sacrifice like Ray does.
You know, when I need to get
back into being focused on school.
Look. First off, Ray and
Eva, they ain't you and me.
I know that.
They're not married.
They ain't phone-boning. They're
not having sex. None of that.
Actually, they do have sex.
He hit that?
And from what I hear,
you could take a little lesson
from him in that department.
What the-
What's that supposed to mean?
He got some tricks and shit?
I seen the dude
lickin' his lips and stuff.
Come on, sexy. Let's play doctor.
Tim, listen to me, all right?
I have been thinking a lot
about Ray and Eva.
And how they have this wonderful
new relationship, right?
And it's made me think about myself
and the plan that I had for my life...
and how I let it go.
What? But, baby,
I threw all my condoms out.
I'll get you some more.
They're on sale at Target.
Come on, Kareenah!
Sweetie, listen.
I am ready. Baby, I am so damn fertile
that if you kiss me you'll get pregnant.
This isn't like buying a coat.
If you have a baby,
you can't give it back
if you don't want it.
Who said that, Ray or
Eva? I don't remember.
Honey, why is my potpourri
on the bed?
Get the DustBuster.
It was- I was gonna-
It's hot in here.
Baby, I thought we've
been through this already.
Ray and Eva have a good relationship
and they don't cohabitate.
Oh, my God. That's all I've been
hearing lately. Ray and Eva. Ray and Eva.
It's not like they're Will
and Jada or George and Weezy.
They each have their own place.
They have respect for each other.
Ray doesn't even
care about Eva. I paid-
I paid close attention to him.
He does not like her.
Sure. That's why Ray
calls her every day.
That's why they have lunch
together three times a week.
That's why Eva's thinking about
passing on a new job to stay. What job?
Eva was offered
a new job in Chicago.
But she's gonna say no
because she found Ray.
- Ain't that a- - But here's
something that'll make you happy.
- We're dissolving the Dandridge fund.
- Really? That's great.
- Eva's gonna keep it all.
- What?
You know. She has a new life, a new man.
She's gonna need that money. Okay, baby.
Here's all your stuff. Let
yourself out, okay? Love you.
Is there something wrong?
I took your advice and convinced
my boss to let me run his company.
He told me I could
start next week.
He did? That's great.
That's good news, right?
You made me realize
I can't run from myself.
It's like someone gave me
a pair of glasses...
that filter out all the foolishness
and stupidity in my life.
What have I given you
for that gift, Eva?
You taught me how to trust again,
Ray. I wouldn't call that nothing.
And you've helped me come
to a decision of my own.
Baby, if you're
gonna be here,
then this is exactly
where I wanna be.
Crossed the line with
Eva, didn't you, Ray? No.
Don't lie, you lyin'
bald- headed son of a bitch.
All I did was what
you paid me for.
And now that Eva's in a relationship,
our women are even worse.
Everything that you do
comes back on us.
And Eva's keeping
all the money, Ray.
That's not my fault. Like
hell it ain't your fault, Ray!
Something's wrong with you, Ray. You've
been having too much damn fun with Eva.
You haven't asked for any
expenses lately. Why's that?
You pay for the woman.
You must like the woman.
That's ridiculous. I'm a player. I'm on
the job. What's in the garment bag, Ray?
Nothing. A suit.
I got a promotion at work.
A promotion? That is Eva
all the way. No, that's me.
Then what the hell is this?
That's Eva's middle name.
I just needed
to organize a few things.
Organization is Eva's
second middle name.
Look, Eva got a job offer
in Chicago.
You're gonna dump her. That way, she
has no reason to stay here, get it?
Yes. Say "yes," Ray.
She's staying because of me?
Uh-uh. She's staying because
you boned her. You boned her!
We know all about it, partner. And
that is like stealing from your job.
You have embezzled the booty. Now, look.
You're gonna call her tomorrow,
and you're gonna tell her it's over.
No. He did not just say "no," did he?
- No, I said "no. "
- Listen, now! Hold up for a second!
You're supposed to be a master
player. You forgot the rules.
Players don't feel. That's like a
pimp with a health plan, brother.
Mike, where did you find
this big-ass bamba, man?
You done went from DMX to Babyface
on us, man. What's up with that?
Wait. They done gave you
a copy of their theme song.
They done made you an
orange. Okay, okay, look.
I'm sorry. I do like her,
all right?
I had to open my heart to get to her,
and when I did, she got to me first.
- I think I might love her.
- Love?
Love is an excuse, an alibi,
a justification for sex.
But it is not something that should
stop a man from keeping his promise, Ray.
Look. I'm sorry, fellas.
I'm going to
see Eva tonight,
and the least I can do is
tell her in person what I did.
So... that's it.
Come on. Let's go.
Mike. Mike!
So, is she real good, man? Does
she have some methods that she did?
'Cause I'm trying
to getJacqui-
This is bull-
Thank you, Thomas.
No problem.
I need to get up out of here so y'all
can get back to dissin' us brothers.
I know how y'all is.
Excuse us?
Aw, man. Y'all females
be trippin', man.
Look. First y'all
drive men away,
then y'all wanna bitch and moan
when y'all ain't got one.
Hold up. Hold up.
Code 12.
You know why I complain,
- 'Cause I need a real man.
- Here we go.
I need a real man,
not a child or a boy.
Give me a hard rock, not
a soft little toy. Wow.
You think women are hard?
You think we're evil and mean?
- Well, I think maybe you don't need us.
- Maybe you on the wrong team.
So I need a real man,
and my standards are high.
Don't like what you just heard?
Then you need not apply.
Wait a second. Fresh meat.
Come on.
Leave 'em alone, ladies.
Mike. Honey, is something
wrong? I got some bad news.
It's, uh- It's about Ray.
My Ray?
What- Is he okay?
Some story, huh?
Well, it's not quite complete.
We got three hours before the funeral,
fellas. Is all the food and water okay?
Everything is okay. Darrell,
where did you find this place?
This is an old postal storage
warehouse, but we don't use it anymore,
not till now.
Look here, Ray. You got everything
you need. You even have two bathrooms.
Bucket number one,
and bucket number two.
You'll be a little gamey in a
few days, but you'll be alive.
This won't work. Oh, yes
it will, baby muscles.
See, you've died in a car accident
according to this police report.
Show him. Right here.
Yeah, yeah.
Eva needed to know that your
body was immediately cremated.
What about my family? Did you
think about that, smart guys?
You ain't got no relatives, Ray, and very
little friends, thanks to your job-hopping.
And Eva took that job in Chi-town
after she found out you were dead.
It's not fair for you to
make her leave under a lie.
It wasn't fair for you
to screw us on that deal.
No, Ray. Let him go.
Let him go!
Come on. Fellas,
fellas, fellas, listen.
Listen. Maybe we need to just think
about this for one minute, all right?
No, you think about this.
It's our word against his.
By the time he tells Eva the
truth, she'll be long gone.
And then we can say we didn't know anything
about this sick joke that he played on her.
What the hell are you doing
falling in love with Eva?
I think it's 'cause she got some good booty,
man. See all that aggression he got in him?
That's 'cause he ain't
gettin' none. Let's go.
Come on, Tim.
Tim, come on!
First of all, I'd like to thank
all of you for coming today.
You know, Ray and I didn't
really know each other very long,
but... in that short amount
of time,
we became really close.
You know, when someone
enters your life,you-
you don't really know
how it changes you...
until they're gone.
I thought you said this was
gonna be a simple funeral.
Who are all these people?
Eva. She invited
all her friends from work.
Where the hell does
Eva work at, Soul Train?
Look at all these black
people in here. It's packed.
Look. Just hang in there.
It's gonna be okay. I promise.
I've, uh,
invited my friend Valerie
from my church choir...
to sing a song.
Lord, it's a miracle.
Oh, my God. Baby.
What happened? Oh, my God.
This whole thing was a lie.
It's all a lie.
No, I wasn't in on this, okay?
Y'all did this on your own.
Tim, Mike and Darrell...
faked my death...
so that you'd leave town.
That's a lie!
Eva, he wanted to dump you, but he didn't
have the guts to tell you face-to-face.
That's what happened. Mm-hmm. Ray?
Is that true?
No, it isn't.
Don't, Tim!
- Please!
- It's over.
Eva, we did take Ray.
And we lied about him
being dead.
This is the best funeral I've ever
been to in my life. You got that right.
I'm sorry.
It's not their fault.
Like hell it isn't.
You three...
have yet to feel my rage.
Eva,you don't understand.
It's because of me.
The only reason
I went out with you...
is because they paid me to.
I was supposed to...
make you like me,
then trick you
into moving away.
But I didn't know you then.
I didn't realize
how wonderful you are.
How much you changed me,
make me wanna change.
I know I was wrong,
what we have is bigger
than all the mistakes I've made.
I'm certain of that.
How much did they pay you?
Eva, that's not-
How much?
Five thousand dollars.
But, Eva, I'm giving them
that money back, and I promise-
You are exactly
who I thought you were.
So, I guess
you're single now, huh?
Excuse me.
Eva, please. Let me
have a minute. Stalker!
Sixty seconds, Eva. Okay,
okay, one minute. Go, Raymond.
Raymond? How did I get all
the way back to Raymond? Right.
I don't want you
to stop being mad.
I understand how you feel.
I'm upset, too,
at myself.
But we need to remember what we're
losing here. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
I know you still have
feelings for me.
I have feelings for you.
Life is hard, Eva. We both
passed up on a lot of good things.
We are too wise
for that now.
I am never, ever gonna find
another woman like you.
I love you.
You know what I learned
about love, Raymond?
It isn't a virus that
infects you. It's a choice.
We choose to be in love, and
we choose what love makes us do.
I earned your choice,
and you stole mine.
I was ready to give up
my entire life for you,
and all you were
ready to do was let me.
So are you sure?
Are you sure you love me?
Or are you just upset that...
I found out what you were...
and... made a different choice?
That's what I thought.
Excuse me, I have travel plans.
What's up, fellas?
Eva, you don't
have to rub it in.
We've been trying to apologize to your
sisters for weeks. They still hate us.
My sisters love you.
They love you so much.
I was just a distraction
and a huge pain in the ass.
And I am so sorry.
We dissolved the Dandridge fund
and split it up yesterday.
Let's go home.
Let's get out of here.
And I can read you a book.
Yeah. As long as
it's not a scary book.
I don't like scary books.
Maybe we could have
some, uh- some make-up sex.
Don't worry.
I have plenty of protection.
We don't need it.
I wanna do this right now
before I lose my nerve.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Will you?
You know what? We should all go to dinner. Eva, let's
- Yeah.
Holy mother of God.
Hey, Eva!
Whoa. Whoa.
I quit my job, sold my
house and bought him.
You shouldn't have.
I can't be bought.
I got him a home in a stable just
outside of town. It's paid up for a year.
Are you even
listening to me?
Yes. Now you listen to me.
You said love is a
choice. Well, I love you.
And I'm not leaving. I'm gonna
show up at your job every day.
I'm gonna send you gifts,
and tell you I'm sorry...
until you understand that
I will not live without you.
Or until you call
the cops on me, but...
even that won't stop me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Is this your animal?
Yes, Officer.
This is my horse.
My horse.
You're gonna have
to move him off the street.
Will you buy
a horse for me?
Hello, is Linda there?
Hey, babe.
Listen, I'll pick you up
over on Fairfax.
I'm at work.
No, you know you can't come by.
I'm pretending to be gay.
Because in L.A., a straight hairdresser
is an unemployed hairdresser.
Well, at least
until I get my own place.
Okay, I love you too.
Telly, honey. Would it kill you
to come in there and do some work?
Oh, I'm sorry. I just had to check
on my honey. You know how they are.