Deported (2020) Movie Script

Let's go, oh, ooh
The way that you pop, girl
Makes me go cray
Show me whatcha got, girl
You could be my new thang
Ooh, the way that you move
Makes me go cray
Pick it up, now drop, girl
You could be my new thang
[man 1] Yeah, look, it's a party!
[man 2] Happy Halloween!
Yeah, dude, you want some beers?
Here, here you go, man!
- Here you go, what's up?
- Douglas, Douglas!
Douglas, we can't do that,
those beers are for customers.
Someone paid for that,
and it, it wasn't you.
- So customers--
- Listen up, brace face.
You get in the Halloween spirit,
all right? [screams]
Heard it's your birthday
Grab a drink if you thirsty
- Man, whoa.
- Yeah, bro, sick costumes.
Man, those costumes are sick.
These aren't costumes,
we're here delivering groce--
Um, yes, yes, of course
they're costumes.
My son, here, he's only 16.
He gets really into character.
That's your son.
Yeah, I can see it.
Well, they have the same visors.
But what, what are you bringing
your son to a party for, bro?
That's not even cool, man,
you got to be responsible.
You got to be
a responsible dad, man.
Look, I know you're feeling
a lot, a lot of pressure
to be a cool dad and everything,
but you're not hurting
anybody but him.
Well, well, well, you see,
my, my son, um, well--
Oh, well, you know what I do
with my son? I leave him the fuck at home.
Yeah, be a parent, not a friend.
All right, guys, I'm just
gonna level with you, okay?
I, I shaved my nuts
to be here tonight,
so, please just, just let us in.
- Dude, that's too much information, bro.
- Way too much. Did you bring--
Please just let us in the party,
I'll do anything.
- Just give us the beer, bro.
- Yeah.
- I can come in?
- We got to keep partying!
- Come on! - [Douglas] Yeah, come on,
get in, get in!
Let's play casino
Bring four friends
Plus you, bingo
Ain't nothing but a flirt
You know, this whole slutty
Halloween costume thing
is really getting out of hand.
Uh, well, it's my party,
so you're going to have
to deal with it,
'cause Mama bear likes sipping
on her porridge,
Oh, hold up. Come on, man,
what's that costume?
- I'm... good looking.
- What's your costume?
I'm really, really hot.
And I'm getting laid.
This guy's going as a guy
who just wants to get laid.
He looks like he would get laid.
- Jesus!
- What, what time did you get here?
Oh, I just got here
a few minutes ago. [laughing]
- 'Cause I had to get ready.
- That's funny, 'cause you're only wearing
a shirt and a hat.
I'm, I'm a cop.
I know, it's a joke.
Oh, my God, you're so cute.
- Thank you.
- Tell me I'm pretty.
- You're beautiful.
- Oh, my God, thank you.
That's so nice of you to say.
Hey, well, you know, you told me to, so--
I did not. [laughing]
I'm going to arrest you.
And your Grandma.
[oven dings] Oh, my God, my Halloween
cookies are ready.
Here, hold that.
Oh, these are going
to be so good.
I'm so excited.
Oh, my God,
I just burned my fucking hand.
- Why--
- Holy mother of God.
- What the--
- What kind of shitty fucking house
only has one god damn oven mitt.
Are you okay?
- You all right?
- You shut the fuck up!
[breathing heavily]
Don't look at me!
Don't fucking look at me!
It's a weird costume,
you don't fit in!
[party music]
[robot voice]
Pardon me, beep, beep.
- Coming through.
- Oh, my God.
[electronics whirring]
You got a real costume on.
Cheers, man, to giving all Hallows' Eve
the respect it deserves.
All right!
Oh, here, I got ya.
I know how hard it is.
I once dressed up as a banana.
Couldn't get anything
under that peel.
That's dope, bro.
I made my costume.
You know, I made this
costume using all stuff
- I found around my own home.
- Dude, you seriously have a gift
for making people
look like dicks.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
That is the nicest thing that
anybody has ever said to me.
Thanks, man.
[robot] You totally get me.
The more pressure we
place on the future,
the less fun it is now.
You know, recently, I noticed
that people are obsessed
with commitment in
all walks of life.
You know, like, I went
to get a new cell phone
and the cell phone guy tried
to get me locked into
a two-year plan.
I'm like, "Excuse me, sir.
Two years, um, [chuckling] what
am I, a fucking crazy person?"
Who can commit to a cell phone
plan for two fucking years?
Um, everyone?
Okay, well, you know, there's
a lot of good options out there.
I'm just fucking with you, man.
I'm from Canada and up there
we keep it super casual.
You're from Canada?
This is making being your
friend very hard, man.
- I wouldn't have even been--
- [Tammy] Get the hell out of here!
Come on! This guy
snuck into the party.
Sorry, I'm going,
I just got to get my boss!
Okay, all right.
Well, I can't even enjoy this
knowing we're 35 minutes
behind schedule.
Get out, go!
For the record, home delivery
is a right not a privilege.
And you, sir, have lost
that fucking privilege!
- [Tammy] It's ma'am, come on.
- [worker] We value our customers.
Okay, we appreciate
your business.
Way to take a hit, man.
You're the man.
No, man, thanks for helping
me up, you're the man.
- No, you're the man.
- No...
[robot voice to woman voice]'re the man!
What the fuck?
[upbeat music]
See, you're the man.
Holy shit!
[both laugh]
- [Ross] Ready?
- [Harper] Yeah.
[Ross] Let's do it.
[both grunting]
Oh, it's warm.
But it won't burn.
It won't burn.
- [Ross] Okay.
- [Harper] Okay, okay, okay.
[vendor] Oh, that's a good one.
[both laughing]
- [Ross] What?
- Looks like you're soul mates.
Oh, no, we're just fucking.
Don't tell me I'm wrong.
- Don't you dare.
- Um...
- We should, we should go.
- I'm scared.
- Yeah, we should go.
- Let's go.
Thank you.
Ow, wearing heels is the worst.
- Feet hurt?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. - If you tied a plaid
around your waist too.
Ah, the beaver.
'Cause when I look in your
Eyes I see the man I could be
And I want more
From you, honey...
- Don't. - What? It's my food,
I want to take a picture.
Oh, no, she's posting
a picture of her food.
What the hell is that?
- That's you.
- Those are not--
Yeah, it is.
Ross 1 and Ross 2.
Wake up.
[gentle music]
[Harper laughing] [Ross] I can't believe
you're going to India for a week.
- That's too long.
- [Harper] I know, I have to do a few more
of these workshops so I can go
from, like, an apprentice
chef to a chef chef.
- Very fancy.
- Very fancy.
Hey, I downloaded a bunch of
movies on your iPad.
Threw in some extra batteries
into your bag for your headphones.
- Oh, my gosh, you're the best.
- No prob.
Ooh, ooh, I left my passport,
I forgot my passport.
Oh, no, that's right here.
Along with your Visa.
Babe, thank you.
Are you sure you don't
want a ride to the airport?
Oh, that's sweet,
I just got an Uber though.
- Bye.
- Bye.
See you in a week.
Just so you know,
I'm not seeing anybody else.
I'm kidding,
I'm kidding, me neither.
Uh... is that what I say?
- Yeah.
- Okay, all right.
That's a nice place to kiss.
I'll see you in a week.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[knocking on door]
- Hey!
- Hey, Mom!
- Thanks for coming by.
- Yeah. You know your headphones
are attached to nothing, right?
- What?
- Your head--
Oh, oh, yeah, I don't listen
to music on them.
They, they reduce noise.
I haven't heard your father's
phlegmy breathing in two weeks.
I wish he had
a 57 label on his face
so I could just smack it
until his throat clears.
So where is
the old ketchup bottle?
Where is Dad?
Oh, he's in his man cave.
- Man cave?
- Mm.
He's got to man cave now?
[upbeat music]
- Hey, son.
- Wow, Dad, nice man cave.
Really like what you've
done with the place.
It's not a man cave,
I live in here now.
Yeah, I just got my own
mailing address.
47 Big Dick Lane.
You should call ahead
before you decide
to pop in unannounced.
Yeah, and you should change your
address, because that's
- grossly inaccurate.
- Okay.
what the hell are you all
still doing together?
Hmm, well, it's like
agreeing to disagree.
We're happy to be unhappy.
At the end of the day, we can't
live without each other.
I administer a weekly
insulin shot,
and she agrees to have
hate sex with me
once a week for my prostate.
Yeah, it's true,
I haven't seen your father
since 7 a.m.
on hate sex Tuesday.
Technically on Tuesday
I get to stab her twice.
Oh, God, that is awful, for like
9,000 different reasons.
- That's marriage.
- Boom! [laughing]
So, you been tapping ass?
- Yeah, actually.
- Ah, that's my boy!
- How many this month?
- Just one.
- One?
- But she's amazing.
She's actually flying in
from a cooking
workshop in India today.
She wants to be a chef.
Does she have the dot?
She does not have a dot.
- I can't wait to see her.
- Aw, that's nice, son.
I used to say stupid
shit like that
about your father back
in the early days too.
Oh, you say stupid shit now.
I mean, don't worry,
you haven't lost it.
All right, well, you know what?
This was a pleasure.
- Show your mother out, will you?
- Okay.
And stop trying to park
your car in my living room.
Stop trying to park your car
in my back door.
That's enough.
Let's go.
[plane engine roaring]
[upbeat music]
[Harper] Hey, um, yeah,
this is Harper's voicemail.
I obviously can't come
to my phone right now,
so I will call you back, or
text me or something, okay, bye.
[quirky music]
Hey, I'm at LAX.
I'm just a little worried.
It says your flight
landed a little while ago.
So, give me a call.
Hope everything's okay.
[device beeping]
Hey, is everything okay?
I'm in Canada right now,
my parent's house.
[suspenseful music]
What, why?
Okay, remember when
we said goodbye...
Ooh, I left my passport,
I forgot my passport.
Oh, no, it's right here,
along with your Visa.
Well, that Visa expired.
And you expect me
to believe that?
And when I went through customs,
they, like, freaked out
and they thought I was,
like, trying to sneak in,
so I'm being deported,
and I can't come back
to America for like five years.
- Holy shit! - Yes, I'm like
so upset about it,
it's like just when my life
was starting to click there.
Like, I like my job.
I like my friends. I like you.
Look, it's going
to be okay, okay?
We'll figure something out,
I'll help you.
I mean, there is one way
that I can get back
to America permanently.
Really, that's great, how?
- I could get married.
- To who?
To you, idiot!
Okay, you do realize
that one of the features
of FaceTime, is that
I can see your face, right?
Sorry, I'm sorry, yeah.
No, I know.
I just, actually-- Oh, my God.
I noticed that photo of
Drake in the wheelchair
on your wall behind
you there, shocking!
Whatever, Ross, it's--
Never mind, honestly.
It's just, I thought that
we were, you know, on board
with keeping it casual.
I mean, we haven't even
been dating for that long.
It wouldn't be married married,
I don't want that either.
Not yet, it would just be, like,
so that I could keep
living in America,
and keep pursuing my job and
see my friends and see you.
would it be okay if I just
took a night to sleep on it?
Yeah, it's fine.
Can we sleep with
the video shot on tonight,
so it's like we're together?
Yeah, of course.
[gentle music]
[crickets chirping]
I don't know, you know.
What should I do,
should I just marry her?
No, absolutely not.
This is the greatest bait
and switch I have ever heard.
Hey, you're getting older.
Your stock is rising.
Yeah, you don't want
to commit all at once.
There is no such thing as a
fake marriage in
a real relationship.
Did she say, "Let's get married
and then divorce in six months?"
There is no need to rush
into it like we did.
If you marry her, you marry her.
- Marriage is a life sentence.
- More like the death penalty,
but die a little bit everyday
instead of all at once.
- Why did you all get married then?
- [scoffing] Your dumb ass.
Yeah, your deportion
is our abortion.
Don't make the same
mistakes we did.
Deport and abort.
Well, just don't use
the excuse, "I'll pull out."
It never works.
I did, I did pull out,
I didn't make it in time.
Yeah, can you say
premature ejaculation.
I have a sensitive foreskin.
[phone beeping]
[phone ringing]
I want to hear.
- Hi!
-Hey, it's me, Ross.
Hi, I'm so happy you called,
I felt so weird after
we talked yesterday,
and I just don't want
you to think I'm trying
to put any pressure on you.
You know, it's just,
like, a crazy situation.
- No. - [whispering] She's lying.
That's a fucking lie.
Shut the fuck up. No, I just--
You know, well--
I don't know if it's a good idea
for us to get married, you know.
Like, we've only been seeing
each other for a couple months.
People who get married so quick like that,
they end up hating each other,
and I don't want
to end up hating you.
- [whispering] Good boy, good boy.
- No, I don't want that.
I just don't think that would happen,
'cause it wouldn't be, like,
married, married, it would just be
a fake marriage for the Green Card.
Right, but we're dating,
so it wouldn't be fake.
Like, marriage puts a lot of
pressure on a relationship,
and, and we've only been dating
for a couple of months.
You know, and I don't want to
put that kind of pressure on us.
Yeah, okay, I get that.
I just really wish there was
another way to get you back here.
Well, I wasn't, I wasn't even
going to say anything to you but,
actually, my friend, Loren,
offered to marry me.
[Harper] Okay, so, Ross knows who Loren is,
he's on my adult field day team.
I'm not going to lie,
he's mad hot,
and the other day
he was just like:
"I would marry you
in a heartbeat."
[upbeat music]
Let's hang back
a bit with Loren.
You know, right idea, wrong guy.
Ross, we're just friends,
he's a really sweet guy,
and I was just telling him
about the situation, and he was like,
"Oh, I'd love to do
whatever I can to help."
- I'll find you somebody good.
- Like who?
I'll find you
somebody real good.
I don't want
to marry a stranger!
I know some candidates
who would be completely willing,
who are college graduates,
um, they shop at J. Crew,
you know, a bunch of good guys. I just, you know,
need a couple of days to figure it out.
Okay, I guess.
[Ross sighing]
[phone beeps]
You're in, you're in trouble.
[Ross sighing]
It's all right, just breathe.
Get some fresh air,
feels good out here.
[Tammy sighing]
Like, you're my best friend,
but sometimes you
are dumb as fuck.
Today is fucking insane.
[Ross sighing]
We need a guy who sucks.
You know? A guy with
zero sex appeal.
Somebody who doesn't have
anything in his life,
like, figured out.
Get out, you're fired!
Oh, come on, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll take you to an R rated movie, anything.
- Just don't fire me, please.
- No, too late, too late, I'm big pimplin' now, baby.
- Too late. - You've been fucking
impossible ever since
that God damn blow job,
you motherfucker.
Don't you dare, you're through!
- [worker] Get... out.
- [Douglas] No!
- [worker] Get out!
- [Douglas] No!
No, no, no, no!
Hey, hey, ah!
[Douglas screaming]
[both grunting]
[elastic tearing]
[elastic snapping]
[body thumping]
[Douglas yelling]
[door slamming]
Isn't that the asshole
who crashed my Halloween party?
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]
I'm not fixing your
overbite without these!
[upbeat music]
He's perfect!
You just turned in
to a little girl.
I need a new best friend.
It'll be great, all you
got to do is go to Canada.
Get married to her,
interview with Immigration.
Live with her for six months
until her Green Card
becomes official.
And then that's it, you're
done and you're out of there.
You can bail, live your life.
Yeah, fast money.
Mm. You got this,
come on, come on.
- Do you have a picture of her?
- She's beautiful, man.
- You'll love her.
- Super cute, super cute.
All right, I'm very interested.
My rate is $500 a week,
plus, I want my own credit card.
- How do you have a rate?
- I just do.
That's like ten thousand bucks,
man, I don't have that.
Love is very, very expensive.
Okay, I'll give you
200 bucks a month,
and this old Navy gift card.
- [Tammy] Ooh. - There's like
25 dollars on that.
Come on, man,
that's like three V-necks,
which you clearly need.
Well, what is that
in flip-flops?
Five flip-flops?
Five pairs or five total?
I will get you
five pairs of flip-flops!
[sniggering] Well, that's way too many.
Who would buy five
pairs of flip-flops?
Mm. That's so many.
That's too many flops.
[gentle music]
[plane engine roaring]
I didn't realize you
like cats so much.
I feel like
a Russian male order bride.
Well, I promise you, if you
go through with this deal.
It'll be worthwhile
and you'll be rewarded, uh--
Doug, get in here.
[bright music]
I love your
Scottish accent, Ross.
I'm from Scotland too,
for Christ sakes. [laughing]
I didn't know
we were doing accents.
Your accent sucks.
Hey, what's up.
My name's Doug Linbiski.
I mean, Lebowski-- La-- Lapinski.
You're having trouble
saying your own last name?
It's a tongue twister.
When it's not in alphabetical order.
How dare you shame me.
Hey, Ross, can I talk to you
in the bathroom for a second?
- [Douglas] You want to see me too?
- Uh-uh, no, just Ross.
- [Ross] Okay. - You want me to
come in there with you?
- Just one minute, thank you.
- All right, I'm going to be right here.
- [Harper] Okay.
- I won't touch anything.
You want me to marry
the psycho from Halloween?
- You're telling me that guy's better than Loren?
- He's actually a really good guy
- once he gets his last name out.
- You couldn't find anyone normal?
It's kind of a hard sell,
you know, it's like a marriage
without any of the sex
and all the talking,
who would want to do that?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have said that. Okay?
He's in, he's in with the plan,
all I had to do was
give him seven grand.
Oh, my God,
you're paying him to marry me?
He needs the money, it's the
only way he said he'd do it.
Okay, cool, well, if you're
paying him seven grand, I'd like ten grand.
I'll pay you back
in other ways. [clicks tongue]
Nothing you do is
worth ten grand.
Listen, it'll be great, okay?
The guy doesn't even spend
anytime in his place.
He says he has some boat,
that's where he is all the time.
- Really? - Yeah, he'll be off
doing his own thing,
and then we'll be able to
do our thing, together.
That would almost be
a romantic thing to say
if you weren't trying to
convince me to marry a stranger,
who's definitely
on the spectrum.
Um, hi!
- You woke me up.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I see you in the bathroom?
I'm a little upset, you didn't
tell me Harper was annoying.
Shh! She's not annoying,
man, she's great.
- What are you talking about?
- I won't tolerate her, her pretentious little hair.
- I need a pay bump. - I'll give you
a thousand bucks more, man,
- but that's all I got.
- Fine, but I'm not pleased.
You're only going
to get 85% out of me.
You might not be able tell at first glance,
but I'm a romantic.
Oh, I can tell by
the way rose petals fall
- out of your ass.
- Rose petals fall out of my what?
Your ass!
[hand smacking]
- Don't insult me.
- You just hit me!
Have you given much
thought to a venue?
I'm envisioning something
by an ocean, maybe a pinata.
I don't want to skimp because these memories
are going to last a lifetime.
Months, Doug, six months!
Not when you hate your wife,
time fucking goes real slow.
We're going to do the wedding here,
her parents are gone for the weekend,
- it's free and it's perfect.
- Fine, I'm willing to forego the idealic venue,
- if you give me your socks.
- What?
- Give me your socks.
- What happened to your socks?
They fell off.
[quirky music]
It didn't have to be
that hard, Ross.
What do you two say
we start fresh.
Great idea. Hi, I'm Doug L.
Hi, Doug L., I'm Harper R.
That's so sweet.
[gentle music]
Honey, will you marry him?
I will, reluctantly.
Yeah, this place looks
pretty good, right?
- Should be fine. - It looks awful,
the balloons are just sagging there,
they don't even have
enough air in them.
[laughing] Are you wearing
an American tuxedo in Canada?
You might as well burn the flag.
Good one, pal.
Did you check out that
dossier I put together?
You all are going to have to learn
every little thing about each other's lives
'cause customs is going
to interview you right when we land.
- I don't read.
- Why?
I learn by looking.
Okay, I'll read it to you then.
Shut up, I can not deal
with your petty
- bullshit on my wedding day.
Of all days, Ross. - I'm sorry.
Of all days.
It's my fucking wedding day.
Once a year, once in a lifetime.
My day, not yours!
But don't worry, buddy,
I always handle my shit.
I'm extremely mature for my age.
Oh, yes.
I'm here for the Doug
and Harper L. wedding.
Yes, you're in
the right place, my friend,
the groom's side is on your left.
Right over there, buddy.
- What the fuck is this?
- Can you tell me about these people that are here?
- Who are these people?
- These are my friends.
Well, actually,
I, I put an ad out online,
and said free cake
at a wedding, so.
Doug, this is my fucking parents' house,
okay, you can't do that.
- There's my little Dougie.
- Mom!
- He invited his family?
- I swear I had no idea.
It's my wedding day, how
can I not invite my family.
I am so proud of you.
I never thought
you'd get married.
And you only waited to tell me
until two days before.
[hand smacking]
- What the fuck?
- [chuckling] Now, where's this Harper?
Oh, hi, that's me.
Are you going to marry my son?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, fucking right.
Well, fuck yeah!
[hand smacking]
You have outdone
yourself this time.
Who's this fucking
asshole right here?
Well, uh, it's good that
you asked that, Norm.
Ross is Harper's brother.
And she's always with him because...
[whispering] he's suicidal.
- He's what?
- Suicidal.
And she doesn't really
want to leave him alone.
Right, he's right, you know.
I mean, I just want to
[mimicking dying noises]
Okay, where's the rest
of the family?
They're all fucking dead,
from suicide, Norm.
Thanks for asking.
Well that's just gut wrenching.
[gentle music]
My vows.
I vow to make these vows.
I vow to let you watch
whatever you want on TV
when wrestling's not on.
I promise to make promises.
- I vow to let you have...
- Who the fuck are you?
...all your privacy.
I'm a craigslist model.
Oh, I'm so fucking impressed.
- Do I look good?
- You look like a fucking pervert.
People spend money,
a special event,
a wedding, you came with
the short fucking pants.
This is-- this is so
inconsiderate of you.
Why the fuck-- Why don't you just go
and fuck a donkey somewhere.
Who makes your jacket?
I like it.
The man who fucks your mother.
Well, perhaps it's the same
man who makes you eat shit!
...go down on you every Tuesday.
That's rude.
Your mother is a whore.
And if you don't behave
yourself, you know,
you see that black guy
sleeping on himself right now,
look at that, I will just
let him loose on you.
Bend you over and fuck,
you say, "Aye!"
He's ready for you,
you fucker, you.
Yep, sorry, man.
I might, I might go--
And who asked you
to sit next me?
Who's the fucking seating
arrangement person here?
Sorry about it. [clears throat]
I will honor and relish you.
Good job, Doug,
it's, it's a special day.
Got any weapons on you
there, suicidey, huh?
Right. You want to be selfish,
kill yourself?
That's fine,
but not fucking today.
Okay. Oh, what's this,
this a pin?
Is this a pin? Fucking end your life
and be with your dumb fuck family.
Cowards, fuck you.
It's fine, my suicide plans
are more long term anyway.
Shut the fuck up for the vows!
[gentle music]
Okay, do you, Doug Lipinski,
take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife.
I do.
And do you, Harper Reynolds,
take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
Think about it.
- I do.
- You sure?
[belching] She's sure, dude.
Okay, so, by the power
invested in me,
uh, by the Province of
British Columbia,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife,
you may kiss the bride.
[upbeat music]
Kiss her already.
[indistinct shouting]
I found a knife,
I'm going to stab myself
with this fucking knife.
Oh, thank God!
You selfish fuck!
[loud thump]
[both grunting]
[fists thudding]
Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Doug Lipinski.
[mom cheers]
[guests clap]
[plane engine roaring]
[Ross] Did you look
at that dossier I made?
Customs is going to interview
you right when we land.
I can handle my shit, Rossy.
All right? I promise.
[people chattering]
- All right, Mrs. Lebowski.
- It's Lipinski.
- Libinsky.
- Lipinski. Pins--
- It's really hard to pronounce.
- Yeah?
- [Douglas] Yeah. - Yeah, I wasn't talking
to you though, so.
Mrs. Lipinski, you scored
a perfect 50 out of 50.
Thank you.
And Mr. Lipinsy, Lapinski...
you unfortunately
scored 3 out of 50,
3 out of 50.
Unfortunately for you, waffle is not the answer
to the first ten questions.
See, including, "What is
the date of your wife's birth?"
I didn't want to leave it blank
because it's better not--
No, no.
What's the date of
your wife's birth?
Just the date?
If you, if you'll excuse
us for a minute,
agent Buckle
and I need to confer.
[door opening]
[door closing] My god, I can't believe you
only got 3 out of 50 right.
- What the fuck? - I thought it was going
to be multiple choice.
- All right?
- Jesus.
Look, standardized tests
don't test intelligence,
so it's all good.
[door opening]
[door closing]
[Harper] It's fine.
Okay, you're good to enter.
- Really?
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Welcome to the United States.
Thank you so much.
But please be advised
that we may drop
into your place of
residence from time to time.
And in which case,
if everything checks out,
you'll get a permanent
Green Card.
Thanks, man, thanks.
- That's awesome. That's awesome.
- Yes, yes.
Hey, needle dick,
I totally passed that test.
[uplifting music]
Yeah, yeah!
It's crazy but it worked.
It worked, I'm so happy.
Oh, I can't believe it worked.
You just got to stick
with me, you know.
Ross the boss, always making moves.
[snapping fingers]
Actually, I was only using
you to get to Doug, so.
- Doug? Nice working with you.
- No, I'm kidding.
Where'd you learn
how to kiss, Ross?
If you need any lessons,
let me know.
I'm a professional kisser.
Sometimes life can feel like
Walking through
A dark alley alone
[boat horn blaring]
Raise my walls as defense
What I want
Has been taken before
Oh, dreaming is safe
So I'd rather--
There she is, home sweet home.
Wait, you live on a houseboat.
No, we live on a houseboat.
I swear to God, I did not know.
Yeah, so, you know, I pretty
much bought it in the '80s.
Practically in mint condition.
It's really just me that lives here.
You can probably put like
25 people on here if you want to. So, it's going
to be really comfortable with us three.
Does it actually, like, work?
Yeah, no, it's great, it flies.
We got a little people
call this boat the wave fucker.
- It can actually, like, it can--
- Chuck your luggage in there.
[Harper] Oh, well, I have
some stuff that's--
- Throw it in there real quick.
- Thank you.
Don't worry, don't worry,
the boat's really old,
it won't get hurt.
Just sort of hop over here,
and, uh, let me help you in.
- So, come on up, there's she goes, whoopsie-daisy.
- [Harper] Okay, okay.
So, we got all your
standard amenities.
Plus TV. And, uh, some ketchup,
and of course, mayonnaise.
Oh... and a traffic cone.
We're the only boat in the
harbor that has a traffic cone.
There used to be another guy
that had one, now it's just me.
- Cool.
- [Douglas] And, uh, oh, right here,
best part, this is little Weezy.
Who's my little first mate?
He's a rescue.
He was in my garbage disposal
and I pulled him out.
- Ugh!
- Hey, Doug.
Is, uh, that you and your
girlfriend there?
Oh, yeah, I wish, man,
that's Crystal.
I'm going to go see her in a reunion soon.
It's going to be exciting
to see her in the flesh,
and... refresh.
- All right, Doug.
- Oh, my God!
Why don't you show, um,
Harper to her room.
Oh, yeah. I got the best room
in the house for you.
Used to be my pet cemetery.
Yeah, come and check it out.
[quirky music]
It's a little bit of a decorative project
that I'm working on.
It sure is a lot of lava.
Yeah, I bought them
from this street vendor,
he said the lava was
from all over the world.
And I believe him because
he had a hand grenade tattoo on his face.
[water squirting]
Oh, shit!
It's good to keep a roll of
duct tape on board at all times.
For leaks and, uh, waxing
my bikini line. [chuckling]
Pretty cool, huh, guys?
We got our own water.
Woo! Anyway, I'll leave
this duct tape right here.
You're going to need it,
'cause you look like you don't wax
your bikini line, my friend.
Let's hug it out. [grunting]
All right, later.
You guys have fun now.
Hey, you know what? I feel like
we can do this for more than six months, yeah?
- It's kind of nice, right?
- No, this is literally so fucked.
I just married, like,
a mental patient for you. You were going to
- leave me alone here?
- I'm not going to leave you alone here.
I'm going to stay every night,
I just don't want to move in.
I seem to feel like you at least
can give a shit about my well-being.
- I do give a shit.
- No, you don't, it's always about you
and your life and your world.
Like, what about me,
you've never made any effort
- to get to know my friends--
- Invite your friends here.
- Invite them here.
- I'm not going to invite my friends here.
We'll have a party, they can get to see
the new digs, it'll be great.
I can do whatever you want
for them, I can cook for them.
I can learn all their names.
It'll be fun.
[reporter] There's a disturbing
new trend on the teenage party scene.
Teens seeking a buzz are
soaking tampons in Vodka
and inserting them into their
rectum to get drunk faster
and feel the effects of
alcohol more intensely.
The practice is known
as butt chugging.
That's the grossest
thing I've ever seen.
[woman] Really.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
There you go.
So happy you all
could come over, you know,
it's a real pleasure
getting to meet you.
- Harper, he's great.
- Thank you.
[Douglas screaming] It burns, it burns,
it burns, it burns!
Oh, shit. [chuckling]
[women shouting]
[rock music]
Ew! Ew! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Is that mine?
[women chattering]
This guy is insane.
He stuck a tampon into
his ass soaked with Vodka.
- Ah, butt chug. - There's no way she's
going to last six months with him.
She's going to leave or she's
going to break up with me.
Or I'm going to have to marry her myself
so she can get away from him.
How am I supposed to know
for sure that's she's the one?
You make a pro,
things you like about her,
and con, things you
don't like about her.
She's super smart
and funny and beautiful.
I've never had more fun with
anybody in my entire life.
It's just, how am I supposed
to know for sure?
Let me ask you this.
Do you ever say no to her?
No-- Not yet, I mean,
it hasn't come up yet.
Ross, [scoffing] every woman is a peach
when all she hears is yes.
You never know what she's really like
until you start to say no.
[mom] Walter, are you going
to take this trash out?
- No!
- Go fuck yourself!
Stupid, old fucktard.
You say yes to women,
it's only a matter of time
before you have
to say yes to drugs.
It's actually a scientific fact.
I read a lot.
[upbeat music]
So, my adult field day team
has a tournament today.
And Loren tore his ACL,
so we have to find somebody
to replace him or we're
going to get disqualified.
Loren, aw, that's too bad.
How could he even get hurt,
he's so perfect.
So, do you want to fill
in for him then?
- No.
- Why?
No reason. Just no.
- Are you sure?
- No.
- Okay, I'm confused.
What do you want? - No!
- Why do you keep saying no--
- I want to say no, today.
I'm saying no.
- Okay.
- No!
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, nope.
Not today, sorry, nope.
Sometimes people want to say no!
So, I'm going to tell you no, all right?
So, no, so you can
find someone else,
'cause today
I'm saying no, all right?
[Harper laughing]
Hey, I might be
exactly what you need
for your little field day.
[golf club and ball splashing]
Nailed it.
[gentle music]
He literally looks like the
older version of you right now.
Yeah, he's good looking.
[quirky music]
What, ready for what?
[whistle blows]
[tense music]
[Douglas groaning]
[man shouting]
[Harper] Oh, come on, Doug!
I'm just going to stay
here for a while.
Staying out right here.
[woman screams]
[water splashing]
[women yelling]
[woman shouting]
You're really hairy, man.
- No, I'm not.
- You look like a used lint roller.
Truly no symmetry to
your body hair or your face.
Yeah, what happened
to your T-shirt?
- It fell off.
- What do you mean it fell off?
Over there, walking over,
it fell off.
- Yeah, how?
- It just did!
Okay, it's your turn. Go, go.
All right, step aside.
Gonna fucking crush this.
[upbeat rock music]
[Douglas screams]
Oh, hey.
Tough loss.
Wish I could have
helped, but, um...
I feel like such a fat shit.
I haven't done a CrossFit
box jump in like... two days.
- No, you look great.
- Yeah, right,
I'm a little fat granola bar
away from a tummy tuck.
That's crazy,
no, you look great.
[chuckling] Thanks.
Does your boyfriend,
Ross, workout at all?
No, that's not Ross,
that's Doug.
So, that's this random guy that
Ross found for me to marry.
- Wait, are you serious?
- Yeah.
Ross didn't change his mind
and marry you himself?
[gentle music]
Uh, no.
That makes me mad.
That makes me mad!
That's terrible,
I mean-- [chuckling]
You know what? I honestly think if I went
on a bench right now, I would beat my high.
You know, I'm trying to
be patient with Ross,
'cause he's a really good guy,
he just has this problem
making decisions,
so he's working through it.
If he can't decide about you,
he doesn't have a fear of making decisions,
he's just an idiot.
Look, if you change your mind,
you know who to call.
It's me.
And if I don't answer,
it's probably
because my, my leg is better,
and I'm back at spin class.
Oh, boy, that music
is loud, huh?
That music is loud,
I need to get back there!
Yeah, um,
anyway, I hope you're
feeling better soon.
[gentle music]
Well, I guess I learned something
important today, you know.
Losing with a team is
better than winning alone.
What have you ever won?
I won, like, a restraining
order one time.
Can you win that? I don't know.
Wow, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
Yeah, if you're here next time,
I fucking quit.
- Why, Jay?
- You fucking suck ass.
All right, well, I guess,
I'll just go back to my wife, Harper.
Wait, Harper's your wife?
That's amazing.
Yep. Uh. Yeah,
I'm all wifed up, you know.
Same bullshit stories every
night, "Blah, blah, blah.
We should really get
a puppy, blah, blah, blah.
We need to make more
decisions together,"
you know,
like, all that bullshit,
wife, husband stuff, you know.
[woman] I like that.
- You do?
- Yeah, it's hot.
You have a wife.
[chuckling] Woo!
Can I see the ring?
[upbeat rock music]
Wait, is your wife home?
Huh, is your wife home?
- [Harper] I don't--
- Yeah.
- Jackpot!
- Whoa!
I've done everything for you and you won't
even officially move in here with me.
I'm here all the time,
I basically live here.
That's bullshit. And you know what?
You don't have a problem
making decisions,
you're just a little bitch.
And I am not staying on this
disgusting piece of shit boat
with you and that psycho
for one more second.
[woman moaning]
[woman heavily breathing]
He's not a psycho, okay?
He's just a little special.
He washes his underwear
in the blender
and then he microwaves them dry.
[woman heavily breathing]
He's disgusting, his toilet
doesn't have a seat on it.
That's because
he's a minimalist.
It's a style choice, babe.
He can't say his own name.
I heard everything
you just said.
- I don't care.
- She did not mean it, man.
- Yes, I did.
- She was just kidding around.
Uh, yeah, she did,
she meant every single word.
Guess what? How do you like
this one, I want a divorce.
Oh, no, no,
if you get a divorce,
I'm going to have to bounce.
Single guys are so clingy.
Let's put a cork
in the divorce thing
for a minute, because I can
tell we'll work this out, right?
- You're so hot.
- I'm so sick of people saying that.
- Boom.
- Oh, my God.
Jesus, Doug, I'm really going
out on a limb here for you, man.
That's a lot of cocaine.
That's very illegal.
That's, like, a really illegal
amount of cocaine, Doug.
It is not illegal, we are on
international waters,
- your laws can't touch me.
- We're three feet off the fucking dock.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- We are? Oh, shit.
Sorry, that was a really
fucked up thing for me to do.
Uh, we just won't do any
cocaine for right now.
You know what?
I'm moving out, so have fun.
- No, where's she going?
- Party pooper.
Please don't leave like this.
Good job, Harper, she just left.
Nice to see you, Mrs. Lapinski.
We would have dropped by sooner,
but it's very hard to
track down a houseboat.
- Where you headed off too, hmm?
- I'm actually going on my honeymoon,
by myself down the road to the Holiday Inn.
'Cause they a room without
a masturbating rat,
so I'm going to take that.
But if you want
to interview my husband
you totally can,
'cause he's not invited, so.
They're just going
through a rough patch.
Everything's going to be okay.
- Who the hell are you?
- Me? I'm their marriage counselor.
[chuckling] You must be great.
That was sarcasm, you look twelve.
[Douglas laughing]
Very interesting. Not one picture of you
as a married couple.
Yeah, you think I want to
take a picture with this turd?
I've taken pictures with turds
- and they don't look anything like me.
- Feelings, arguing,
that's good,
these are good things.
You know, it's therapeutic.
Doug, why don't you go ahead
and let Harper
know how you feel?
I hate you, you're cruel
and you're insensitive.
[Ross] Well done.
[Douglas sighing]
- Felt great.
- Good, good.
- You see? Progress.
- Progress for a marriage counselor,
but not for us. See, couples
living apart is big reg flag.
What is it, your job to
make people get a divorce?
No, it's my job to inform you
that marriage fraud
is a very serious offense.
- Up to eight to ten years.
- Maybe even nine.
Shut up! So, if you want to tell
us anything, you tell us now.
I eat plants.
Huh? You tell us right now!
Now, you tell us!
Now, you tell us.
- Okay, this was all my--
- It's all real, it's all real.
I mean, it's real,
there's no marriage fraud here.
I mean, this-- You know what
they say, that you can only hate
the ones that you love, right?
- No.
- Well, I really hate Doug!
- Something very wrong here and we're
going to find it out. - We are going to find it.
- We find everything.
- Back off.
Have a lovely day.
Eight to ten years.
Jesus, that's like
all of High School.
I'm so sorry, Harper,
this is all my fault.
I'm just going to go
back to Canada.
Don't do that.
Why should I stay here?
Like, why should I?
I've done literally everything
for this relationship,
you have not done anything.
I'm going to--
I'm going to change.
Okay, I don't believe you.
I'm going to, I have to,
because if I don't
I'm going to lose you.
Hey, I'm sorry it took me
so long to realize
how important you are
and how lucky I am to have you.
But I know that now, okay,
I'm gonna change.
Well, what are we going to do about the INS,
though, like, they're completely onto us.
I'll figure it out.
You know, I'll make it work.
I'll, I'll make this look
like a legit marriage.
- No.
- No?
I don't know, 'cause, like,
"Sometimes people
just feel like saying no."
All right, okay,
I see what you're doing.
That's my impression
of you saying no.
I got that it was your
impression of me. You know,
every time a woman
does an impression of me,
it's never,
[deep voice mumbling]
like they do of most guys.
It's always...
[high pitch mumbling]
- 'Cause it's the appropriate octave.
- It is the right octave.
I deserve it, I'm sorry.
I promise, Harper, if you stay,
I'll make this all work out.
Don't make me regret this.
Okay, I won't.
[upbeat music]
I got to give it to Ross.
He moved in, and he
started to put, like,
a ton of thought into
how to fool the INS.
[camera clicking]
And I mean a lot of thought.
Maybe too much.
We're not adopting anybody.
Okay? We're just going to come here,
fill out some paperwork,
leave a trail for customs
and then bail, that's it.
- I don't want to get any
of these kids hopes up. - Oh, hi, hi there!
How'd you like to meet
some of the children.
Come on, kids, line up,
everybody, line up.
No, we just wanted to fill out,
like, the preliminary paperwork.
Oh, this will only
take a second.
Say, "Hi, visitors."
[kids] Hi, visitors.
[camera clicking]
- No, no, no. - Can we do some where, um,
you guys look like a couple
who's trying to start a family.
We don't do that kind
of photography here,
but if you come
back to my place,
I'll show you
the wide angle lens.
And this is Natalie,
she is recently available
and a very spirited young lady.
Aw, hi, Natalie.
I'm Harper, and this
is my husband, Doug.
You two don't look married.
Well, they are married, so.
I don't think they are.
Yeah, they are.
- No, they're not.
- They are, okay.
What do you know?
You're just a kid.
I know chemistry,
and you two don't have it.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Ross, who are you?
I'm the girl who knows some
shady shit is going on here.
[upbeat music]
[camera snapping]
[gentle music]
Thanks for doing
literally all of the work.
[chuckling] You're welcome.
- This looks really good.
- Thank you.
Yeah, you should, uh,
add this to your cookbook.
[chuckling] What cookbook?
The one you're going
to write someday.
[gentle music]
- What is this?
- [chuckling] Just something I got you.
All you got to do is
fill in the pages.
Ross, this is amazing,
I love it.
And I love you.
Did you just say I love you?
- I did.
- Did you just say I love you?
Sorry, sorry, I love you too.
Phew, okay.
- Now we should kiss.
- Mm-hmm.
[suspenseful music]
[upbeat music]
Oh, shit.
Move over, I'm coming in.
- Get the fuck out of here, man.
- What are you doing?
There's agents out
there watching you two
- whores obviously copulating.
- Fuck!
Now, we only have one choice.
We have to make it
look like a threesome.
- Doug, no.
- Yeah.
- [Ross] No, no!
- Let's do it, baby.
No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No!
Stay the fuck away, man!
All right, well, I just want to go on the record,
that this does not
look like a threesome,
we're all going to jail.
Geez, it's ridiculous.
They're fucking taking
pictures, right now.
Come on! Do something!
- Do something, pussy!
- Fuck it.
- Fuck it what?
- Let's do it.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, kiss me, come here.
Um, this, this still doesn't
look like a threesome.
No, no! Oh! [mumbling]
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck, man! - You pressed your tits
against me, what do you expect?
- So? - So, I get a boner,
I feel tits, I get a boner.
- It's totally natural.
- Don't you fucking blame your boner on me, man!
I mean, do you guys
even need me here?
Hey, they're taking
pictures of us right now,
- so you better give me
that belly button. - No!
- Fuck that shit.
- No, God!
Is he fucking his belly button?
Oh, God, no! God, no!
I should be mad at you
'cause technically you cheated on me.
My belly button's been deflowered.
But he did save us,
so you can't really be that mad.
I guess.
[lips smacking]
Ah! What the fuck, man!
- What?
- You just kissed me.
Ah, come on, don't be prude.
Hey, I know how
you two can repay me
for that genius
threesome idea I had.
By buying you pants?
The annual Lidinski family
reunion is tomorrow.
There's going to be
Lipinskis flying in
from all over the country.
I'm a little nervous,
but the idea of going with
a looker, such as my wife,
and watching four generations of Lidinskis
shit their pants
is kind of appealing to me,
you know what I mean?
So, what do you say,
let's do it.
You know what, Doug, I think
it's the least we can do.
- I'll totally go.
- Yes, yeah.
I'm a way better slow dancer
when I have a partner.
[chuckling] Cool.
- You gotta come.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Stop.
Your brother's going
to kick my ass if I go.
No, he won't.
Smooth it over with my mom,
ask her to dance,
call me an idiot. You'll be back
in the family circle of
trust before you know it.
Fine, I'll go.
[rock music]
Now, put on some god damn pants.
Not a chance.
There you are,
with your beautiful wife.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thanks, Mom!
Hello, Miss Lipinski.
You look amazing.
Um, I'm really sorry about
how I acted at the wedding.
You were being a douche.
I was being a total douche.
Um, I was thinking, maybe
I could make it up to you
by asking you to dance?
All right.
[suspenseful music]
Hi, how's it going?
You'll get this back
when you've earned it.
There are too many trees around.
A lot of trees.
You want to go for a dance?
[belt creaking]
[upbeat country music]
Should of been gone
By now
I Don't know why...
[hand smacking]
You step on my foot,
the next one won't be so gentle.
Eyes on your partner.
Yes, ma'am.
Ah, man, this is great.
Oh, shit, there's Crystal
McAllister, in the flesh.
Quick, take this off,
you look slutty.
Ow, God, why do you care,
who's Crystal?
Isn't she, like,
your High School crush,
- why is she even here?
- She's my cousin.
- What?
- Yeah, I know.
You'd think it'd make
it easier, right?
But it's surprisingly tough.
I don't really even know
what to say right now.
- Say you'll be my wing wife.
- No!
- We're not related by blood. - I don't believe you,
I think you want to fuck your cousin.
- No, she married my cousin.
- Why isn't he here?
He died on a boating accident
with his secret family.
I don't know, that's just weird.
Holy shit, she's coming
over here, just act normal.
Oh, my God.
Doug, oh, my God! [laughing]
You must be Doug's wife?
That's me, this is
the best husband ever.
I could've guessed that.
The notes that he used
to pass me in class
were always so creepy, but they
had the sweetest undertones.
You picked up sweet undertones?
'Cause my thoughts were
entirely creepy. [laughing]
[all laughing]
[Doug laughing alone]
it was so great
to see you, Doug.
- And, and a pleasure to meet you.
- You too.
[mimics camera clicking]
[nervously chuckling]
Please stop.
Thank you so much.
[mimics camera clicking]
[mimics camera clicking]
[gentle country music]
- Why do you keep staring at me like that?
- You told me to look at you!
I told you to look at your
partner, not eye fuck her!
I'm just looking at you,
there's no eye fucking going on here.
You need to go throw some
cold water on your face,
back down that eye horny.
- Why don't we get a drink.
- Oh, you want to liquor me up, you rapey fuck.
Stay the fuck away
from my mom, man.
Stay the fuck away
from her, okay?
You know what?
Here's your belt, bro, go nuts!
[fingers snapping]
- [Douglas] Hey, you see
that guy right there? - Yeah.
That's Paul, he's the
coolest guy in my family.
Doug, thought you'd be
in jail or rehab by now.
How the hell did you pull her?
'Cause he's got the dick
the size of an elephant trunk.
And he's a very active listener.
Wow, Doug, nice work, man.
So, you're married, Paul?
Uh, yeah,
she's over there. Honey!
Ugh, enough, God!
[people cheering]
Crush, crush, crush!
Oh, yeah, that was perfect!
- Can you come over here?
- Fuck you!
[crushing can]
[people cheering]
- Fuck you, man, fuck you!
- Fuck you.
[people cheering]
[Paul's wife] Take the can and go home!
She crushed a whole
30-pack last night.
Anyways, congratulations,
you guys look really happy.
I'm going to go.
Oh, God, I love being
married to you.
I love it, I love it, I love it!
[laughing] Yes!
You know, Doug, I love
being married to you too.
And this whole thing has actually
brought Ross and I a lot closer together.
So cheers, to us.
To us.
[gentle music]
Oh, thank you.
Well, we lucked out with you.
[Harper laughing]
You guys want one?
Rossy, she's amazing,
what a great girl.
I know, man,
I was just thinking that.
God, I mean, look at this,
look where we are right now.
You know? I mean, look at all
she's done for me.
Oh, careful. [laughing]
In all this craziness,
it's really made me realize
how I feel about her.
I'm going to propose
to her soon.
And thank you,
thank you so much...
Don't waste your time
I know the story
Heard you tell so many times
I think I'm going to go ask her
to dance, brother sister style.
Watch my corn?
Hiding behind
Those empty eyes
- Hey, sis.
- Hey.
Would you like to dance?
Rain clouds
And heavy heartbeats
Waiting for change...
Oh, Weezy, not today.
But you're going to do
What you want to
Oh, what you want to
[distant chattering]
- After you.
- Merci beaucoup.
- Everything okay, Doug?
- Yeah, uh, sure.
- What's that?
- This? It's nothing, nothing at all.
What is this, what are you hiding?
Is this a love note for Crystal?
Oh, fuck, what the fuck, Doug!
I threw that away!
Babe, I am so sorry, okay?
- I wrote that a long time ago.
- Cool, so, I married a whack job for you
and you made a list of things
you don't like about me.
Pros too,
look at all those pros.
- [Douglas] Whack job is very offensive.
- You shut the fuck up, Doug!
"My ravioli is too cheesy.
I like Dubstep, is from Canada.
Has kissed men before me,
nipples are too dark,
I have big knuckles," I don't.
"I like you too much."
Okay, cool, well, you don't have to
worry about that anymore, Ross.
- Fuck you.
- Okay, that was a long time ago.
All right? I don't even understand
what any of that means now.
You think it's okay to just construct
a list of somebody's flaws.
- No, it was stupid.
- Okay, cool, let me try it for you then.
Um, you can't decide on anything,
you don't even have a cell phone plan,
- 'cause you're a pussy.
- Okay, wow.
Your legs are way too long
and your torso is super short.
You have a southern accent
and you're from Baltimore.
When you smile, it looks like
you have a piano in your mouth,
and your face is so
fucking generic and bland
I can't even describe what
you look like to my friends.
Your hair always looks like
you just took a bike helmet off.
And your dick looks like
it's half circumcised, I don't understand it.
You're not funny,
and you do have man boobs, Ross,
I know I said that you don't,
but you fucking do, and they're huge, titty boy!
Okay, I'm glad we got
that off our chest.
Listen, Harper, I just wasn't sure.
Sure, I know you weren't sure.
You don't have to be sure anymore, Ross,
'cause this is fucking over.
So, get the fuck out.
- You too, get out.
- But this is my houseboat.
Get out!
- Please let me--
- Get out!
And Dubstep is fun.
[gentle music]
I can't believe
my marriage is over.
Do you think she's going
to take 50% of the houseboat?
- Would joint custody--
- Are you kidding me, man?
I love her, you just ruined it.
- Why would you do that to me?
- I'm sorry, I just kind of freaked out.
You know, when people
saw me with Harper,
a girl that beautiful and that smart,
and she would marry me,
I mean, I felt incredible.
I finally felt like I could tell my mom,
"Fuck you, I'm not a loser,
you're wrong about me."
I got you into all this, man,
this isn't your fault.
You know, you need to stand up
to her, man, your mom's a dick.
She should be proud of you.
Sometimes I wish I was like you.
You know, maybe if I was like
you, all this fucking bullshit
with Harper would
have never happened.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
- Okay, enough.
- [Ross] What?
I have come to your Dad
and your super hot Mom
to stage an intervention.
I'm depressed,
I'm not on heroin.
This is an intervention
about a substance
you're not abusing, fresh puss.
Look, it's the only way you're, you're going to
get over Harper and move on.
I don't want to get over Harper.
I love her.
[all laughing]
So stupid.
[dad] Look, I know you're sad,
but trust us,
you dodged a big whiny bullet.
[Tammy] It's like you
forget how much you used
to complain about Harper,
like, all the time.
Remember? She posted
pictures of her food.
[mom] I don't know you want
to marry into that family.
[dad] Yeah, you got
to move on, all right?
You got to stay single, and you know
how long you should stay single?
[mom] Forever.
- Forever.
- [dad] Oh, boy.
Don't even, don't even start.
Son, let me, um, let me
give you a little advice.
I don't want any of
your shitty advice.
Okay? I don't know why I've listened to you
three in the first place.
The only thing scary
about commitment
is when you use bad judgment
like you did.
There's nothing scary
about loving Harper.
I want to be with her.
I want to marry her.
[bright music]
[knocking on door]
Hi, honey!
- Where's Harper?
- That's actually why I'm here,
it's not really going
to work out between us.
Well, then, honey,
you better fix it,
I mean, just landing
her was a fluke.
Ross isn't Harper's brother,
he's her boyfriend,
and he paid me to marry her so that--
[hand smacking]
I knew she was
too good for you. I--
[hand smacking]
You don't deserve to be a mother!
- How dare you!
- You had it coming.
You're a bully. And just because Harper
wouldn't marry me for real,
doesn't mean that
somebody else won't.
Yeah, right!
[fist punch]
[Douglas groaning]
The fuck, Mom!
[fist punching]
I'm sorry, Mom,
I had to do that.
You needed to be punched.
[suspenseful music]
[agent 1] Look at this.
Harper, let me in,
I want to talk to you.
Let me in, I want
to talk to you, come on!
- Please!
- Hey, buddy.
Hey, man.
Why do you look so happy?
Why are you here?
I don't want to talk to you.
I screwed up, okay, Harper.
I love you.
[Harper] Whatever, you're such a lying asshole.
[agent 2 laughing]
I don't know what this fucking
is, it's not a relationship.
Plus, Loren's going to be here
in five minutes, to take me to the airport.
So you should probably
leave before he gets here,
'cause he doesn't really
like you very much.
- Loren? - Yeah, Loren, the one
person who's actually cared
about me the entire time,
unlike you two fucking assholes.
[agent 1] All right, do you want
to make this hard or easy?
Huh? Hard or easy, your choice.
Round them up.
All right, guys,
you're under arrest.
I'm so sorry.
[agent 1] You going to make
this hard or easy?
[suspenseful music]
[jail door slamming shut]
I'm such an idiot.
Sorry for roping you
into all this, Doug.
[door alarm buzzing]
It's okay.
I got to be cool
for four months.
That's more than
most guys get to be.
Plus, I got so many girls
being married to Harper,
it was like a vag-a-lanche.
Wasn't it just that one
girl from field day?
Yeah, but for me,
that was like a vag-a-lanche.
[sighing] I should have just married her
when I had the chance.
I can't believe a girl like her would ever
even like me in the first place.
You know? I could never wrap
my head around it.
I couldn't believe it either.
Okay, well, now it's over, so.
- Done.
- She's out in Canada.
She can't come here.
And here I am, stuck here.
Can't go there. [chuckling]
Hey, your friend, Tammy,
just posted your bail,
you're free to go.
[keys jingling]
[door opening]
[gentle music]
Without Harper, this isn't
any better than jail.
- You know what?
- What?
Fuck it.
I'm not going to let a little
federal indictment stop me.
I'm going to go up to Canada
and I'm going to see Harper
and I'm going to show her
that I love her
and prove to her
that I've changed.
Yeah, yeah, let's kidnap her,
I'll help you.
- What? - I mean, let's get her,
get her back!
Yeah, okay, all right.
We can't get on an airplane
because we're on a no fly list,
and they're not just going to
let us drive across the border, so.
- Hot air balloon!
- Boat!
Oh, I was going to say boat.
We're on a boat,
we can take the boat.
We're on a boat,
we're on a boat.
[upbeat rock music]
- Come on!
- Come on!
[engine starting]
- Yes! - Yeah, oh, man,
we're going to haul ass.
I'll get this boat up
to fifty fucking knots.
We should be there by nightfall.
I'm so happy
I could kiss you, man.
Maybe I should go untie us.
Be swift and fast.
[boat chugging]
[gentle music]
[boat honking]
Five fucking days, man,
I'm fucking losing my mind.
Harper's probably
already moved on by now, man.
What the hell am I going to do?
Well, Harper is white, correct?
Yes, she's white, Doug.
You know, you really messed up.
That's no way to court
a white woman.
Did you learn that in your book?
It's all about making
amends, making right
what you have done wrong.
If you want to make
amends to Harper...
you need to say
sorry in a big way.
You know, you're right, Doug.
That's actually some
pretty good advice.
[Asian accent] Us Asian men
need to stick together.
I need to do something that
shows Harper that I love
everything about her,
and that I can make big
permanent decisions.
Oh, my God,
what are you doing here?
I'm here to prove to
you how much I love you.
- Everything okay, babe?
- I--
Who's the Canadian enthusiast?
I'm Ross, and you don't call
her babe, that's our thing.
Harper, I've loved you ever
since I thought you were a robot.
Oh, my God, Ross.
Uh-huh. It hurt, it hurt a lot.
I just wanted to show you
that I can make big permanent decisions.
And this is the most permanent
thing I could think of.
Oh, my God.
[Ross wincing]
It's okay.
[Harper] "The list of things
I love about Harper.
Her hair, her eyes,
her cute sneezes,
her really great grammar,
the way she thinks dogs
can understand her
when she talks to them."
They can.
You love answering
my questions during movies?
I mean, if anybody else ever did it,
I'd find it insufferable,
because it's you though,
I, I love it.
- Really?
- With all my heart.
You know what?
I did this for you.
Wow, that's impressive.
A thousand crunches a day.
[sprinklers turn on]
[Douglas] Yes!
Look at him,
he's all wet, he sucks!
- That was me.
- Loren, I'm so sorry.
Oh, come on, look at me.
- I'm so good looking.
- I've never really been that attracted
to, like, super good
looking people.
I'm kind of into, like, the soft gawky,
like, weird, big teeth type.
- I don't know.
- Thanks.
I mean, I'm not sure if that was a compliment,
but it sounded sweet.
[gentle music]
[Ross sighing]
...will you marry me?
No, get up.
You're so weird,
I don't want to marry you yet.
You blew all that up yourself
in you're own head.
I just want to be
your girlfriend.
And, like, maybe live in
the same place as you,
so we can watch the shows
we like, and snuggle a lot.
I'm so lucky.
But seriously, we need
to get fucking married,
Doug and I got into some deep shit.
We weren't supposed to leave
the country while we're on bail.
- I'm a fugitive now, baby.
- You're a fugitive?
That's right, honey.
I don't know why,
but I'm so into that.
Fine, I'll marry you,
but only 'cause
it's for the greater good.
I need kale.
[fist punching]
- Holy fuck!
- What are you doing?
This is usually when
the losing guy
gets mad and tries
to kick your ass,
so I decided to knock him out
before he got the chance.
- That's actually pretty smart.
- Well, hey, thank you.
Hey, since we're not going
to be married anymore...
can I be your best man?
Tammy will be devastated...
but sure.
[officiant] Do you, Ross Ruben,
take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife.
I do.
Do you, Harper Reynolds,
take this man
to be your lawfully
wedded husband.
I do, reluctantly.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Oh, shit, Crystal,
what are you doing here? - Oh, come on.
[whispering] Oh, um,Harper told me that
you guys weren't really married,
and that you didn't have
a date for this wedding,
so I just thought I'd swing by.
You came all the way to Canada?
Are you with the black kid?
I don't know him, we just
met in the parking lot.
- Fuck yeah.
- Wing wife for life.
Okay, that's, that's great,
now let's, let's move on, shall we?
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[upbeat music]
[guests cheering and applauding]
Yes! Woo-hoo!
Hey, anybody want to turn
this wedding party into a fuck party?
Let's go!
[upbeat music]
She's moving up
Down, all around
She's moving up
Down, all around
She's moving up
Down, all around
In a high class place
With a white girl ghetto
Up, down, all around
She's moving up
Down, all around...
[crew member]
Ask him who makes his jacket.
Okay, who makes this jacket?
What? Mine who fucks
your mother in the ass,
that's the fucking
man that does it, okay?
[woman laughing]
I didn't expect that.
[crew member] Rolling!
Oh, my God, I hate your laugh.
Hey, uh-- Sorry. Just got
my own mail, just got my--
[spitting] Fucking flies!
Just got my own mailing address.
I wish she had a 57 label
on his face, so I could just
smack-- Ow.
So I could just smack--
What is it?
Um, I still don't know how
this looks like a threesome.
Go for it, man!
Shut the fuck up and show
some fucking respect,
you fucking cunt!
I don't like when words
come out of your mouth.
I don't like your stupid hair!
[crew member yelling]
[both laugh]
- [crew member] Go even bigger.
- You...
[agent laughing] Sorry.
[crew members chattering]
[director] Let's just start with,
"Miss Lipinski, you scored a--
- Mrs. Lipinski, you scored a perfect 50."
- Yeah, let's just-- [chuckling]
You know what?
It might be funny,
but don't fucking crack up
when you're doing it.
[clears throat]
[crew members laughing]
Let the audience laugh.
Don't you start laughing and breaking
the whole fucking scene.
- Robert....
- [director] Here we go.
...I'm just a-- I'm just
a new green actor, okay.
You're just a little
green horn, aren't you?
- Yeah.
- Love the little green horns.
- Really? - You can kick me in
the balls, let's do it.
Just get it over with.
Oh, that hurt.
- You got me.
- Come back.
What the fuck is
that little thing?
Oh, there you are.
Shit, let me get
him out of here.
Actually, do you know what?
Do you mind if I let him finish?
If I don't, he's going to be
in a bad mood for weeks.
[mouse squealing]
Never mind, we're all good.
Stop, I don't want
to kiss anymore.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Dammit, Lou, why did you
turn away the nice gay man.
Now get out of here!
I'm very disappointed in all of you,
I'm going to go drink for
a while. Just be quiet.
I'll be back in, like, five hours, can you
put everybody to bed, Brittany? Great.
Thousand feet in the air
Looking up
Walking on a high wire
Don't look back
Whatever's down below
Oh, it won't help you now
Baby, playing with fire
And when you get burned
It's still better than never
Taking a turn, oh
Climb out on a limb
My darling
Bet against
The chance of falling
Climb out on
A limb my darling
Don't live in
The fear of falling
You're a gold mine
You're a gold mine
You're a gold mine
You're a gold mine