Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017) Movie Script
(DRUMROLL)
(FANFARE PLAYING)
(MUSIC ENDS)
Do we have to come to Corny's?
This place is for babies.
Then you fit right in, Greggy.
It's not a place for babies,
it's a place for family-style dining,
right, Frank?
That's right.
And the buffet's all-you-can-eat,
so take advantage.
Thanks for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs. Heffley.
I hear their ball pit is super deep!
(CRYING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
# Right down from my toes
to my belly and brain #
# Gotta shake myself
jump up in the shower #
# Gotta fix my health
how many hours #
# Did I spent last night
with the whiskey neat #
# In a really big zone on the floor #
# Until I lost the beat #
# And now I'm incomplete #
# Heebie jeebies #
This place really is the worst.
BOY: Incoming!
(PIG GRUNTING)
It's his new video.
It's supposed to be awesome.
Okay, enough.
You know the rule...
devices away during dinner.
MAC DIGBY:
So I'm cruising through the spaceship
and it looks like you get
to interact with all the aliens.
So it's pretty tight. Pretty amazeballs!
I hate that Mac Digby.
He's a horrible role model.
Are you kidding?
He's like the greatest guy I know.
Hey!
Rowley, I bet your family
doesn't have this problem with technology.
Oh, yeah, my mom's really strict
about her one-hour limit on screen time.
See?
One hour a day, that's all they need.
It's a week. One hour a week.
I have failed as a parent.
No.
So who's excited
about the Great Heffley Road Trip?
Hmm?
A journey across the U.S. of A. to Meemaw's.
Do we have to go?
It's Meemaw's 90th birthday,
and everyone's gonna be there.
We're gonna see family
we haven't seen in years.
Oh, come on, Greg.
I promise we're gonna make it fun for you.
If I go, will you give me
money to fix my van?
- No.
- Can't we just fly?
No.
A road trip is a great opportunity
to spend time together as a family.
It's four days in the car. Together.
It's not exactly what I had planned
for summer vacation.
MANNY: Mommy!
Mommy!
Oh, no. Manny's stuck.
Mommy! Mommy!
- Greg, will you go help him?
- Why me?
Cause you're the only one
who can fit in there.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
KID: Ow! I bumped my head.
Ugh!
It stinks of old socks.
(GROANING)
ROWLEY: Good-bye, Greg!
Manny, stay there.
Hey, Bubby.
GIRL: We're in the ballpit! Yeah!
Manny? Manny?
Manny?
KID: Whoa!
Manny?
Manny!
Manny! Manny?
Diaper! It's a diaper,
it's a diaper, it's a diaper!
It's a diaper!
It's a diaper!
(CROWD LAUGHING)
I knew we shouldn't have come here.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
If there's one thing I've learned
from my years of being a kid,
it's that you have zero control
over your own life.
Take Mom, for example.
She's always on me to do "healthy" things,
like read books and play outside.
It's the worst.
(GROANS)
(RAIN FALLING)
(SCREAMING)
If she had her way,
we'd be living like people did
before there were computers and cell phones.
But human beings have evolved.
Now we need things like video games
and smartphones to survive.
- (SCREAMS)
- (SPLASH)
All she cares about is family time.
Now don't get me wrong.
I like my family and all,
but I'm just not sure
we're all meant to live together.
Maybe things will be better one day,
when we all have our own places
and only see each other on the holidays.
But right now,
this combination of people
is just not working.
(BIKE BELL RINGS)
This is a disaster.
Diaper! It's a diaper,
it's a diaper, it's a diaper!
That's it. My life is over.
It already has 6,000 views.
Congrats, Diaper Hands, you've gone viral.
GREG (ON VIDEO): Diaper! It's a diaper!
I'd love to stick around with you losers,
but I got to forward this to everyone I know.
(CACKLES)
(SIGHS)
It gets worse! Now I'm a meme!
ROWLEY: "Diaper Hands Dunks."
- That's pretty funny.
- You're not seeing the big picture.
If I don't do something soon,
I'm gonna be branded
as "Diaper Hands" for life.
Or maybe even longer.
(CAWING)
Hey.
Why don't we watch the latest
Mac Digby video?
Just please don't tell my parents.
MAC DIGBY: What up?
Today I'm playing Mushroom Makoto.
This game's Japanese,
mental and, yes, I'm a...
What the what? Mushroom in a kitchen?
Boom! You got shroomed!
Dat's how Digby do it!
"Dat's how Digby do it." Classic.
Mac's the best.
If I was in a video with him,
I'm pretty sure everyone would
just forget about "Diaper Hands."
You know what?
I'm gonna write Mac and ask if there's
any way I can be in one of his videos.
It can't hurt, right?
GREG (NARRATING): Mom really hates Mac Digby.
But Mac figured out
how to get rich and famous
just from playing video games.
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)
- No way. Mac replied already.
It says: "Thanks for the email, Greg."
He used my name.
"I'm going to be at Player Expo this weekend
"in Indianapolis from 12:00 to 2:00
hanging out, mashing buttons
and making gamer history."
Hey, maybe you'll be
in my next YouTube video."
This is the greatest day of my life.
No one will remember Diaper Hands
when I'm in a Mac Digby video.
I'm going to be "Greg Famous."
GIRL: Greg Heffley. Oh, my God.
(GIRLS OOHING)
But your mom says
Mac Digby is a bad influence.
I mean, do you really think she'll let you
go to Player Expo to be in a video with him?
(BIRD CAWING)
(CAT YOWLING)
You're right.
(SIGHS DEJECTEDLY)
There's no way.
Unless...
Player Expo's in Indianapolis this weekend.
And get this, Meemaw's party is in Indiana.
This is perfect!
Player Expo is only...
...two inches away from Meemaw's!
I'm not sure that's how maps work.
All I have to do is make sure our road trip
brings us close to Player Expo,
and then sneak away long enough
to see Mac Digby,
and then come back before
anyone notices I'm gone.
No one gets hurt.
It's a win-win situation.
Is it?
MOM: Guys! Guys.
This is way too much stuff.
These are definitely essentials.
No, no, no. Manny, no sweetie.
No, we're not bringing that.
Uh, there's no room for people in here.
Maybe we should look into plane tickets.
GREG (NARRATING): This was a disaster.
My whole plan was falling apart.
I have an idea.
If we take all the junk out,
we can use the boat as a trailer.
Then, if we see some water,
Dad, you can show us how to sail and fish.
For, you know, fish.
Now you're talking.
Aye-aye, Captain.
MOM: Who's ready for
the Great Heffley Road Trip?
Can I get a woot-woot?
GREG: Woot-woot! Go, Mom.
RODRICK: Dork.
# Bottle rockets off your roof #
# Riding bikes through red lights #
# We're bulletproof #
Meemaw's, here we come.
I'm texting.
Oh, no. No devices on this trip.
What do you mean?
This is an unplugged road trip.
No phones, no iPads, no Internet.
- What?!
- MOM: Just family time.
The only connecting we're gonna do
is with each other.
Everyone hand over your devices.
You tricked us!
This is totally not cool.
Kids at school get way more
screen time than I do!
I'm not giving up my phone. Pfft!
Yeah! If he's not givin' up his phone,
I'm not givin' up mine.
If he's not giving up,
I'm not giving mine up.
Who do you think you are, bossing us around?
You want me to read. I'm reading text!
What's the difference?
- You're the worst mom ever!
- Yeah!
MOM: Mm-hmm.
Without devices,
there's absolutely nothing to do.
Look at the scenery. Read a book.
"Read a book?" It's summer vacation!
- Pfft! Scenery's stupid! Pfft!
- Yeah!
Listen to your mother, boys.
Frank. The ban goes for you, too.
No, no, no, no. I got to check the route.
Uh, no, you don't. We have GPS.
And if that fails, I brought a map.
We'll kick it old school.
# Yeah, I like this right here #
# Bom, ba-dum bum ba-da-da-da-da #
GPS: Estimated time on road:
47 hours and 1 minute.
# Let's escape #
# I'm free to do what I want #
# And have a good time #
# Now somebody, anybody, everybody #
# 'Cause I'm free... #
- Fast food, fast food.
- You can't do this to me.
You're hungry, I'm happy to provide.
# Everybody sing #
# I'm free, baby, bring the beat, baby #
# Let me show you how I live #
# Let you live baby #
# Let's be free, baby #
# And cruise the world #
# Are you with it girl? #
# I'm free to do what I want #
# And have a good time #
# Now somebody, anybody, everybody #
# 'Cause I'm free to do what I want #
# And have a good time #
# Now somebody, anybody, everybody sing #
# Went from a poor kid #
# To a well-known all around the globe... #
The two of you are in
so much trouble right now!
You should not be doing that sort of thing.
# Feel free, do whatever you want #
# Whenever you want with whoever you want #
# Feel free, who cares what they say... #
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
- (CELL PHONE DINGS)
Can we have our phones back yet?
Nope. The bag is closed.
- Well, when is the bag going to open?
- It's not.
Well, when is the bag not going to not open?
Okay, okay, I have something fun
to pass the time.
Who has a guilty conscience?
It's a simple game.
Someone takes a card from the deck
and reads it aloud.
If you've done the thing on the card,
you get a point.
So, the first person to three points wins.
"I must confess...
I once owned an unusual pet."
- I had a pet tarantula in college.
- No way.
Yeah! His name was Terry Antula
and he was awesome.
One point.
"I must confess
I once had a crazy hairstyle."
Guilty! I dyed my hair pink
when I was younger for a summer.
When did you guys stop being fun?
Well, your dad and I were young
once, too, you know.
Can I read the next one?
Yes.
"I must confess...
"I once broke a window by shooting a BB gun
and blamed my little brother for it."
Yes. I totally did that.
I'm tied with Mom and Dad. Read another one.
MOM: My turn.
"I must confess I once drove my mom's car
when I didn't have a license
and scratched the door very badly."
I did that, too! Boom. One more point.
That's plus one. Plus another point.
"I must confess...
"I once toilet papered the house
of the sweet old lady
who lived next door to me."
Yes!
Guilty as charged!
It's like this game was made for me!
I own you losers!
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, yeah, I win. I won.
Now I get my van fixed, right?
I'm very sorry for toilet papering
your house, ma'am.
It was a very bad thing,
and I would be honored to...
...mow your lawn and clean your car
for the rest of summer to make amends.
Okay, thank you. Bye, now.
You are so dead.
(MANNY SHOUTING AND WHINING)
Where's Manny's pacifier?
I left it at home.
You did what?
I made an executive decision not to bring it.
He's way too old for one.
You know, this trip is a perfect
opportunity for him
to go cold turkey, you know?
(MANNY CONTINUES WHINING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
It was all they had.
Rodrick, I said no phones.
I want to post it online. It's hilarious.
No!
No Instagrammy, no Snappychat!
(STOMACH RUMBLING)
I agree with Greg's stomach. We need to eat.
GREG: If you wake Manny up
in the middle of a nap,
he goes completely ballistic
and there's no calming him down.
So when he's asleep,
Mom and Dad do everything they can
to keep him that way.
DAD: Okay guys, ready?
(SIGHS)
(HORN HONKING)
- Whoa!
- (CAR HORN BLARING)
Greg, be more careful!
You almost woke up Manny.
Get the items on my list
and only the items on my list!
List, got it.
Whole-wheat bagel, cream cheese,
- baloney and apples?
- Yeah, you know, we should split up.
Divide and clunker.
Hey!
(SIGHS)
Did you get anything on Mom's list?
Relax, Greggy. I got better stuff.
# So let's sing this one more time #
# It goes, destination, permanent vacation #
Free Wi-fi. Perfect.
# Na-na, na-na na na #
- GREG: Hey, want to check out the pool?
- RODRICK: Sweet!
# Destination, permanent vacation #
GREG: Huh?
(RATS SQUEAKING)
What a rip-off!
They should be sued for false advertising!
At least there's a hot tub.
But look at those weirdos.
(SHOUTING PLAYFULLY, LAUGHING)
Or should that be Beardos?
(MOCKINGLY) Good one.
(ROARING AND SPLASHING)
(WHISPERING) Frank,
this place is disgusting!
Ah, it's not so bad.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- It's just for one night.
These towels are wetter than my hands.
(CRUNCH)
Mom!
(GROANS)
Nobody uses the bathroom.
We'll clean up at the next stop.
Let's eat.
Yeah.
What were you two thinking?
We can't make dinner out of
uncooked cinnamon rolls
and bubblegum.
No, duh.
They're for dessert.
I got us a microwave pizza.
(BEEPING)
- (GEARS WHIRRING)
- (BEEPING)
Rodrick?
That's a mini-safe.
(SAFE RATTLING)
RODRICK: Huh.
And they disguised it as a microwave.
Pretty smart.
(GROANS)
Did you guys get anything on my list?
I couldn't read your curly
Oldie English writing.
Do you mean cursive?
Cursive?
Is it okay if I go use the hot tub?
Yeah, sure, just don't wake Manny
when you come back in.
- DAD: I am so hungry.
- MOM: Me, too.
"Grandparents React to Diaper Hands!"?
GREG (ON VIDEO): Diaper! It's a diaper,
it's a diaper, it's a diaper!
RODRICK: Hey, Cheez Nips.
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd join you,
in case any hot chicks
who dig musicians show up.
(GREG SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)
(SIGHS)
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
You got your phone from the van?
- (CELL PHONE DINGS)
- (LAUGHS)
It's from Rowley.
"Have fun at Player Expo. Zoo-Wee-Mama."
Pfft! What a dork.
Player Expo?
You're planning to go
to your little nerd convention.
Oh, this is too good. I'm telling Mom.
No, Rodrick, give that back!
(WATER GURGLING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
What?
- Oh, no.
- Oompa-Loompa.
After your little "I Confess" stunt today,
this is my chance to even the score.
Maybe Mom and Dad will even give me
the money to get my van fixed.
W-w-wait.
If you need money,
I have a better way to get you some.
To get a lot.
Come with me to Player Expo.
There are hot girls everywhere.
Why is she wearing armor with a bikini?
It's called cosplay. And there's a lot of it.
RODRICK: Are those even real?
I doubt it. People make
their weapons out of foam and stuff.
But the best part is, there's a
video game drummer competition
just like Rock Band,
and I think the prize is about $1,000.
$1,000?
I'd be able to buy ten vans with that.
But now you're telling Mom.
I guess there's no way I'm going.
If I say we're going, we're going.
You get that, chico?
Oh!
What are you doing?
This isn't what it looks like.
Are you doing work?
Okay, it is what it looks like.
Look, I couldn't tell my boss
I was taking the week off.
You get that, right?
Yeah, I totally get that.
But if Mom found out, she'd go ballistic.
I know. That's why you and I need to...
Did you take your phone from the van?
No.
Greg. If Mom found out, she'd go ballistic.
Okay, okay. I'll put it back.
I won't tell Mom I saw anything. I promise.
The thing is, I want Mom to be happy.
I'm sure you don't want
to disappoint her, do you?
Definitely not.
What do you say we keep this
little arrangement between us guys?
What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her, right?
Sure.
Good boy.
Are you orange?
Yep.
- (SNORING)
- (SCOFFS)
Where am I supposed to sleep?
(LOUD CLATTERING)
(LOUD CLATTERING CONTINUES)
(KIDS LAUGHING)
What are you doing?
Some people are trying to sleep!
Put some pants on, creep!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, you guys think that's funny.
Well, you won't be laughing
when I report you to the manager
and he throws you and your
whole Beardo family out!
Oh, yeah?
What is going on out here?
(LOUD SLAM)
(BEARDO GASPS)
My van!
(YELLS)
Why did you do that?
Me?
This weirdo shows up in his underpants
and when we ask him to put some clothes on,
he threatens to beat us up!
What?
I... No, no, no. That's not true!
And he called you a "fat Beardo!"
(GROWLS)
Come here, punk!
Dad! Dad! Help!
- Hey!
- Huh?
Is that your kid?
What kid?
Inside!
BEARDO: I know you're out there, kid!
I tracked down original floor mats
to a vintage camper, son!
I will find you!
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
Why do I have to sleep in the closet?
Come on. Move over.
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMING)
What are you doing in my room?
Where were you?
I just went for a quick jog.
In your underwear?
I like the fresh air.
Okay.
Honey, that's not a good idea.
What's with all the standing around?
Let's get back on the road, right, Mom?
I'm with Greg. Open road,
here comes the Heffley family.
Seriously, next time, wear pants.
There are a lot of weirdos out there.
And Beardos.
# I can patch up the hole #
# She left in the screen door #
# I can pawn off the ring #
# That she threw on the floor #
# And the grass will grow back where #
# She left tracks in the yard #
- (RODRICK SNIFFLING)
- # That ain't the hardest part #
That song is such a bummer.
What? Rodrick, get back.
(METAL MUSIC PLAYS)
What is this?
Is this even music?
It's Loded Diper's new demo! You're welcome!
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Yeah. Thank you.
My drum solo was coming up.
- It's thirteen minutes of heaven.
- Nuh-uh.
First rule of a road trip
is the driver is the D.J.
That's great, because I'm the driver
and I picked our theme song for our trip.
It's a family tradition.
Grandpa and Grandma used to pick the music
and us kids would sing along.
(POP SONG STARTS)
- I like this.
- I know.
It was a big hit when we were dating, right?
# Yo, tell me what I want
what I really, really want #
# So tell me what you want
what you really, really want #
# I'll tell you what I want
what I really, really want #
Please stop, please stop!
No! This isn't happening!
Please, just stop, stop, please!
Okay, fine!
I was really enjoying that.
Just try something else. Anything else.
Okay.
You win.
I choose "Hola!: Learn to Speak Spanish."
INSTRUCTOR: Let's start with the most
common greeting, "Hello" or "Hi."
"Hi" is simply "Hola" in Spanish.
Can you try that, please?
Hola.
INSTRUCTOR: Hola. Did you get that right?
"To drink" translates to "beber".
Try saying that. Beber.
You guys are in for a treat.
The country fair will be a great opportunity
for you to see how people live
in the real America.
Wait. So where do we live again?
You guys are actually descended
from country folk.
Peepaw's father worked three jobs
until he had enough money
to buy his own land to grow soybeans.
Why would anyone want to grow soybeans?
Great story. Wake me up when it's over.
Wow. Just wow.
Were we this bored by our parents?
If we agree to go to this country fair,
can we get our phones back after?
As a reward?
No.
How about just for an hour?
We do something for you
and you do something for us. That's fair.
The country fair is a treat.
You don't get a reward
for agreeing to a treat!
You boys are going to the country fair
and you're going to enjoy yourselves.
Do I make myself clear?
(BANJO STRUMMING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
(HORSE WHINNYING)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Hey, what do you say we split up?
Um, you take Manny on the rides
and I'll show these boys
how to win some carnival games, huh?
These guys don't need a parent
getting in the way.
It'll be good for them
to spend time together.
Bonding.
All the rides look lame.
GREG: And old. Really old.
You guys go get your "country" on.
Spit some seed, ride some hay.
And don't forget
to eat something healthy, okay?
Take advantage of all the amazing
produce here.
- Definitely, yeah, definitely.
- Yeah, produce.
Mmm! Have fun.
BOTH: Deep-fried butter on a stick!
Oh, my.
MAN: Here you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Two deep-fried butters
on a stick, please, amigo.
Regular or extra-crispy?
Extra-crispy, obviously.
(HOT OIL GURGLING)
This is the best moment of my life!
MAN: Maybe we should get
a funnel cake and a sausage stick.
Ice cream's on the budget.
We need to leave.
I'll take two more.
Dad, I'm country-ed out. Can we go?
I am in a serious bind.
I need to make a work phone call.
- Where's Mom?
- She's in line for the porta-potty.
I figure I've got, like, 20 minutes.
Can you do me a favor?
Can you take him over to the livestock tent?
I can't have him melting down
while I'm on this call.
Me take him?
Yeah. Spend some quality time
with your brother, all right?
Ten bucks. Ten bucks? Perfect.
Come on, Manny.
CARNY: Sorry, missy, you did not guess
the exact weight. But...
you do get this here lollipop.
Now, who's next?
Lollipop.
- CARNY: Step on up here, folks.
- Not now, Manny.
(GREG SHOUTS)
Okay, okay.
- (GREG SIGHS)
- CARNY: Look around here. Who we got?
Who's next here? Hey there, little fella.
Let me ask you something.
Can you see that pig right there?
How much you think that pig weighs?
Honestly, he just wants a lollipop.
Oh. Well now, for a lollipop,
I'm still gonna have to have a guess.
But he can only count 1, 2, 3.
4, 5, 6!
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
Ol' Wilberta there weighs exactly
456 pounds, on the nose. How about that?
Bless your little heart.
Son, you won the grand prize.
How about that, ladies and gentlemen?
Manny, this is awesome.
Now, just be gentle with him now.
Go ahead there, take him.
There you go. Look at him!
Oh, no, no, no. We... we can't take this pig.
You're saying that you're not gonna
let the little one keep it?
A boy needs a pig.
But we don't live on farms.
We're normal people.
You're saying folks that live
on farms ain't normal.
That's not what I mean.
We just don't have anywhere to keep it.
Ma'am, you wouldn't let
a pig inside your house
with your baby, would you?
We'll take our pig and go.
All right, we had a winner, how about that?
A grand prize winner, ladies and gentlemen.
Please don't poop.
BEARDO: I got you, kid!
No, I can hear you fine.
Dad, here's Manny. Got to go.
Wait, no!
Hey! Why are you being such a spaz?
I'm not. I'm just really excited to, uh...
To ride the "Alien Abduction."
Let's rock.
CARNY: Stay against the wall
and keep your hands to yourself!
We're off.
(BUZZER)
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
I knew I shouldn't have ate
that 9th stick of butter.
Ninth?
BEARDO: You!
Stop the ride! Stop the ride!
It's a diaper, it's a diaper, it's a diaper!
What the heck?
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
- (GROWLING)
- # Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
# Gotta let it go, gotta let it go #
Watch it, you jerk.
Sorry!
- (KIDS GROANING)
- BOY: Stop it!
GIRL: Get off of me!
You need to move, kid,
or I will climb over you.
I'm warning you, please don't.
(BEARDO GRUNTS)
GREG (NARRATING): I'm not an A student
of physics or anything,
but I'm familiar with the theory,
"What comes up, must fall down."
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
- (GROANING)
- # Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
I could go for another stick
of deep-fried butter.
BEARDO: Oh, God, no! It's in my mouth!
(RIDERS GROANING)
Let's get out of here.
Where did you go?
That was an important phone call.
Okay, all right. Let's still keep this
between us, all right?
MOM: Oh, you guys are all together.
Did the Heffley boys have fun?
Absolutely, an amazing time. Together.
I won a prize.
What? You did, sweetie? What did you win?
(OINKING)
Oh, my gosh.
A pig.
An actual pig.
An actual living pig.
How did this happen?
Uh...
Uh...
Manny guessed the weight, right, Dad?
Uh... that's right. Um, in the...
The livestock tent.
In the livestock tent. Right. That's...
Yeah, but you know,
now that I think about it, uh,
keeping a pig, that's...
that's not a good idea
because it's not a pet
and it belongs in a barnyard.
And we should take it back.
I love my piggy.
And this is just occurring to you now?
I think it's great we have a pig.
Cause now we'll be able to get bacon
from it every morning.
The truth is, I wasn't 100% there
when Manny won the pig.
He was with Greg.
I-I couldn't help it.
I really didn't want to take it,
but there was a lot of pressure
from, I'm guessing, farmers?
What is going on here?
I wasn't with them because
I had to make a work call.
- Frank!
- I'm under a lot of pressure right now.
And, honestly, I don't think a total
technology ban is realistic.
I need to make calls to the office.
And Greg's a modern kid.
Using his phone is in his DNA.
What? Greg's been using his phone, too?
Oh, come on. You made a deal with me.
Will someone please pay for my van repairs?
Stop! Let me get this straight.
You and Greg have been using your phones,
and you both conspired to keep this from me?
We're leaving.
And we're keeping the pig.
INSTRUCTOR: Let's learn the Spanish for,
"What is your name?"
- translated word by word.
- (PIG SQUEALING)
"What" translates to "Qu."
What's the matter with it?
Greg, please tell your father that his pig
probably needs to use the bathroom.
You know,
I could really use the bathroom, too.
I drank way too much lemonade.
Okay, then tell your father
to pull over at the next gas station
and you can take his pig in with you.
What?
You're just gonna have
to keep your legs crossed.
The next exit is 37 miles.
Thirty-seven miles?
That's way too far.
(GROANS)
(PIG SQUEALING)
It's no use. I can't hold it.
(PANTS UNZIPPING)
Greg, for goodness sake!
(URINE TRICKLING)
Don't spill any.
(GROANS)
Oh!
It's filling up.
Then stop peeing.
It doesn't work that way.
I've started, now I've got to see it through.
He's right.
- GREG: Oh!
- (URINE CONTINUES TRICKLING)
(GROANS)
Here.
I don't want it!
(URINE STARTS AGAIN)
(OINKING)
Oh, look how cute.
The piggy's better
potty trained than you, Greg.
(LOUD FARTING)
Oh, my God!
(FARTING CONTINUES)
What's happening?
(ALL GROANING)
GREG: No way!
Check it out, a mini-bar.
- Sweet.
- Back up.
Nobody touches the mini-bar.
I'm not paying $7 for a cookie.
Where's the pig gonna sleep?
(OINKING)
(SOFT OINKING)
(EATING NOISES)
(WRAPPERS RUSTLING)
No!
No fair. The pig can use the mini-bar
and we can't?
You realize this will probably cost
more than the hotel room.
I love you, piggy.
# Work, work #
- # Gotta get that work #
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING AND RINGING)
# Work, work, gotta get that work #
- # Work, work, gotta get that work #
- (CELL PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)
Please let me take this call
and I will put work aside
for the rest of the trip, okay?
Nothing but family time, I promise.
- Nothing but family time?
- Promise.
Okay, deal. Just get it over with.
Boys, let's help your dad and be quiet
for the next 10 minutes
so that he can finally put work behind him
and join the vacation.
Sure.
Whatever.
DAD: Quiet. Here we go.
Hey, this is Frank.
WOMAN (OVER PHONE):
Frank, where have you been?
Hi, Julie, yeah.
I'm sorry, things just snowballed
on my end, uh-huh.
That's not a problem. I can handle that.
- Okay.
- (CHEWING LOUDLY)
Uh-huh.
(SHUSHING LOUDLY)
(CONTINUES SHUSHING)
Your shushes are louder than my chewings.
(JULIE CONTINUES, INDISTINCT)
- Yeah.
- (WINDOW WHIRRING)
Throw it out.
(MOUTHING WORDS)
Yeah, uh, I don't know.
I mean, there's a weird connection.
(WHIRRING)
Uh-huh.
(HORN HONKING)
- JULIE: Hello?
- I'm still here, Julie.
Frank, the deadline
for the proposal is this Friday.
- Ow!
- (MANNY YELLING)
Get the pacifier!
MOM: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(PIG SQUEALING)
Get the pig!
(MANNY CONTINUES CRYING)
(GRUNTING HAPPILY)
Ugh.
(SHOUTS)
(MOM YELLS)
(CARS WHIZZING BY)
INSTRUCTOR: "To drink" translates to "beber".
Try saying that.
(SCREAMING)
"To read" becomes "leer".
Your turn.
"To be able to" is "poder" in Spanish.
"To know" becomes "saber".
- Once again..."saber".
- (PIG SQUEALING)
(CD TURNS OFF)
That's great. Thanks, everybody.
I'll be lucky to have a job come Monday!
Had to take a road trip.
Had to take a road trip!
JULIE (OVER PHONE): Frank! What's happening?
What road trip?
Frank? Who are you talking to?
Are you there?
Hello?
Hey, Dad? I think
you might still be connected.
Frank? What's going on? Where are you?
Answer me.
(CAR HORN BLARES)
(BLARING CONTINUES)
GREG: Rodrick, I thought Meemaw's was just
two inches from Player Expo.
But on this map, it's like seven!
So?
So we're going to be too far away from it.
I'll never be in the Mac Digby video
and you'll never win your $1,000.
You better fix this mess, El Dorko.
I need that money.
I have an idea.
(BEEPS)
Hurry up.
GPS: Changing destination
to Parkway Convention Center.
GREG: Manny and the pig had really bonded.
But from the look on Mom and Dad's faces,
I could tell that its days
with the Heffley family were numbered.
(SHEEP BLEATING)
INSTRUCTOR: How do you say the words
"your name" in Spanish?
Will you say, "Tu nombre" or "Mi nombre"
or "Su nombre"?
DAD: I just don't get it.
We're miles off course.
That's why you shouldn't trust technology.
If we'd just used a map instead of the GPS...
Don't worry.
I think we can make up the time tomorrow.
I hope so.
MOM: Guys, come here. Check this out.
Come here. I made it for Meemaw's birthday.
It's a memory book.
Let's see. That's Meemaw when she was a baby.
Is she a boy or a girl?
Wow. Who's that soldier?
That's Meemaw's brother, Fred,
in World War ll.
She'll show you his medals if you ask her.
He was a tough old guy.
This is our family history, you guys.
This book dates all the way up to...
No! No way, no, no!
No, you can't show her those photos.
Yeah, Mom. You can't give Meemaw
a photo of my naked butt!
Oh, it's so cute.
Okay, guys, come on.
We all got to get up early.
- Let's get ready for bed.
- Yes, we do. We do. Okay.
Come on, Manny.
Get your pajamas on everyone.
We made it.
We're back to just two inches
away from Player Expo.
Sweet. Tomorrow we ride, compadre.
I don't know how we're gonna get to the Expo.
Do you have any money?
We don't need money.
We'll use Uber. It's completely free.
Free?
But how do they make a profit?
I don't know, I'm not a businesswoman.
See? No money changed hands.
It really is free. That's incredible.
But I didn't think it would take an hour
to drive two inches.
(RAPID GUNFIRE)
(CAR ACCELERATING)
This is incredible!
I know. I've never seen
so many dorks in one place before.
These are my people.
This is where I'm meant to be.
Diaper! It's a diaper!
Diaper! It's a diaper, man!
- Yup.
- It's a diaper!
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
Ooo-aahh!
I don't want to be late to Meemaw's party.
And I don't know why
they're not answering their phones.
You did say no technology.
Are you seriously giving me
the "I told you so" look right now?
No.
EMCEE: Welcome to Rock Drummer.
This contestant says he's a professional.
Let's see how he does.
Uh-oh.
- Ooh.
- (BUZZER)
Not good.
My grandma drums better than that.
Time to rock out of here, champ.
(IMITATES LOSER SOUND)
GREG: I guess Rodrick won't
be getting his van fixed anytime soon.
We've been to the convention,
had a swell time.
Going home in the morning
and nobody's any the wiser!
(SCREAMS)
It's been too long.
I'm gonna call the police.
(CHANGING CHANNELS ON TV)
Yes, I need to file
a missing person's report.
It's my two sons, Rodrick and Greg.
Rodrick is 16 and Greg is 12.
What are they wearing? I don't know.
Rodrick is wearing a black Motorhead T-shirt
and Greg's wearing a Twisted Wizard
baseball tee with blue sleeves.
How do you know that?
WOMAN (ON TV):
...at Player Expo. You're right!
I am at Player Expo, right now.
The hottest ticket in town.
And there is no better place to discover
what the new hottest trends are.
Bubby!
What do your parents think about you guys
coming to the Expo to play video games?
Oh, they have no idea. (CHUCKLES)
Frankly, Jill, they're a little slow.
Well, they are a little slow if
you're here and they
don't know where you are.
Why don't you come on
down and join them here,
because it's loads of fun at the Expo.
Look at the fun they're having now.
Actually, I'd like to report a double murder
at Player Expo in about 30 minutes.
EMCEE: Right now on the main stage,
we've got the great Mac Digby.
Look! There he is.
EMCEE: The game is Downhill Death Race.
Dat's how Digby do it!
This is awesome!
Mac is about to beat the world record!
Once people see a video of me and Mac Digby,
I'll be the coolest kid in middle school,
and everyone will forget about Diaper Hands.
No one will ever forget about Diaper Hands.
It's way too funny.
Nuh-uh.
I have an appointment with Mac Digby.
He sent me this email
inviting me to play with him.
They sent that out to every kid in here.
The line ends back there.
EMCEE: Mac Digby's become the first
player ever to beat Level 28!
The email was just a trick
to get kids to show up today.
There's no way I can wait in that line.
I'll never be in a YouTube video
with Mac Digby.
MAC DIGBY: I'm gonna go down
this slope real quick,
shred some fresh powder!
Unless...
MAC: How you like that, noob?
Okay, so make sure
me and Mac are both in shot.
And I'll make it seem like
we're both hanging out.
Then I'll post it on to YouTube
and mission accomplished.
EMCEE: This is where it all goes down.
Mac Digby going head-to-head
with some of his biggest fans,
live here at Player Expo.
Digby's on his game today.
At the rate he's going,
this could be his best day of gaming ever.
Catch that snowball to the face!
Dat's how Digby do it!
EMCEE: And he's done it. He's at level 31!
- Yeah!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
EMCEE: Looks like
he's only moments away from breaking
the Downhill Death Race world record!
Avalanche! Whoa!
EMCEE: Mac Digby showing total control.
This dude's about to get pwned!
EMCEE: Whoa! This is good, guys.
(CROWD CHANTING) Digby! Digby!
This is insane!
You're witnessing gamer history!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(CROWD GROANING)
What have you done?
I was about to beat the record!
Who are you?
Uh, I'm...
MOM: Greg Heffley!
You are grounded for life!
And I swear, never again
will you play a video game
as long as there is breath in my body.
Really, Greg, I thought maybe
you would have grown up a little bit
after the whole "Diaper Hands" business,
but I guess not.
No way! It's him! Ladies and gents!
We have a celebrity in our midst!
My record breaking attempt
was ruined by none other than
Diaper Hands!
EMCEE: This is incredible!
We have the real Diaper Hands on our stage.
And Diaper Hands has a real name...
Greg Heffley!
Way to go, Greg!
Diaper Hands, Greg Heffley!
(CROWD CHANTING)
Dat's how Diaper Hands do it!
EMCEE: That's right, folks,
let's hear it for Diaper Hands!
You fixed the GPS to drive here.
You tricked us, and now we're going
to be late to Meemaw's birthday.
DAD: I don't even think
we're gonna make it on time.
You embarrassed me in front of everyone, Mom.
Now I'm gonna be known
as Diaper Hands forever!
It'll blow over.
You know what won't? You lying to me.
I just wanted to have a nice family trip
where we all spent time together.
But you don't care about that.
Well, you don't care
about the things I love, either!
If you did, I wouldn't have had
to sneak away to get to this place!
I give up.
Take my phone. Play games.
Enjoy yourself.
I'm done fighting.
We're two hours from Meemaw's.
It's gonna be tight, but I think we're
gonna make it by the end of the party.
Hey. At least you have your Mac Digby video.
(CROWD CHEERING ON VIDEO)
What the...
MAC DIGBY (ON VIDEO):...worldwide record
is 28 million. And I'm about to beat it!
You used the front-facing camera?
Did I?
My bad.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(HORN HONKING)
What's that idiot honking at?
Just let him get by you.
# Almost heaven, West Virginia #
# Blue Ridge mountains #
- (HORNS HONKING)
- # Shenandoah River #
# Life is old there #
# Older than the trees #
# Younger than the mountains #
# Blowin' in the breeze #
# Country road, take me home, to... #
- Um, Dad?
- What?
You might want to stop the car.
What? Why?
Holy Mother of...
#...home, country road #
DAD: This wouldn't have happened
if we were already at Meemaw's.
RODRICK: Hey, guys, good news!
Whoo! Every silver lining has a cloud!
Everything is ruined. All our things...
our clothes, our toiletries... gone!
Oh, no.
BEARDO: Yeah, yeah, yeah, put that in.
What the heck?
Get in the car! Get in the car!
Hey! That's our stuff!
Yes.
Meemaw's book!
The memory book is in that case.
Come on!
BEARDO: Payback time, punk!
Come on! Back to the van!
Run, run! We're gonna catch up
with those guys! Come on!
Hey, do you know that guy?
How would I know that guy?
(HORNS HONKING FAINTLY)
I don't see them.
Are you going to be okay?
Those photos were irreplaceable.
I really thought coming on this trip
would bring our family closer together.
But I'll know better next time.
(BIRD SQUAWKING)
You want one?
Greg, I wouldn't encourage them.
There's only one.
(SQUAWKING)
Seriously, Greg. That's enough.
(SQUAWKING LOUDER)
Dad? Can you close the sunroof?
Rodrick gummed it up, remember?
Hey! Give it back!
(EVERYONE SCREAMING)
(SQUAWKING)
- You guys all right?
- Thank you, we're fine! We're fine!
(SQUAWKING)
(SCREAMS)
This is pretty bad for you.
You snuck to Player Expo, too.
You're in as much trouble as I am.
No way.
I've spent years lowering
Mom and Dad's expectations.
They expect this kind of stuff
from me, but not you.
I mean, sure, Mom makes you read word books
and bans you from devices cause
she wants you to live a "happy life."
But she just doesn't get what it's like
to be a kid in the 20th century.
I'm sorry.
What'd you do this time?
I'm sorry for changing the GPS.
I'm sorry for tricking Mom into this.
I'm sorry for sneaking away.
I'm sorry for all of it.
I appreciate your apology, Greg,
but I really wanted us to go to Meemaw's.
Well, let's not give up.
Let's go to Meemaw's.
How are we going to do that?
Dad, did you give up on
that phone call with your boss
when the pig got loose in the car?
I probably should have, but no.
And if Meemaw's brother Fred gave up,
do you think we'd have defeated
the British in World War ll?
Definitely not the case.
And Mom, will you ever give up
on making us read books and eat healthy food,
even though we fight you
every step of the way?
Of course not. I love you guys.
Exactly. I mean, things
look pretty bad for us.
But we've come this far
and Meemaw's party isn't over yet.
So shouldn't we at least try to get there?
Greg's right.
We're gonna get to Meemaw's if it kills us.
It almost already has.
The radiator's shot.
We got this traffic to deal with.
One time, I couldn't reach the remote
and I had to watch this show where this guy
blasted his heater to cool his car down.
- Or something.
- I've heard of that.
You turn the heater on, it draws the heat
away from the engine. Yeah!
Good boy!
But what are we gonna do about the traffic?
We could try a different route.
Let's do it.
One, two, three.
Heffley!
Hold on.
I have never been so hot.
Look.
Oh!
I don't like this.
I saw a movie once
where a bunch of mutant hillbillies
led a group of tourists off the main road.
For what?
To hunt them. And then eat them.
Rodrick, you'll scare Manny. Stop.
It was a true story.
(LOUD POP)
(EVERYONE SCREAMING)
(RINGING)
(HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING)
I've been shot! I've been shot!
My brains! My beautiful brains!
Rodrick, you have not been shot!
I'm too young to die!
I'll never play Ozzfest.
I'll never see Loded Diper
in the Hall of Fame!
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!
I'll never get the van fixed.
My brains!
Monster baby!
(CAR REVVING)
We're stuck.
Everybody out. The less weight, the better.
I'm going to gun it.
Do it.
(CAR REVVING)
Okay, we are in business.
- (SPITS)
- (COUGHING)
What'd you guys do?
Look. There's a bigger road.
MOM: Thank God.
No way. Dad, stop the car.
Look.
The Beardos.
If those guys are going to a hot tub,
they'll be there for hours, trust me.
I have a plan.
It's open.
I don't like this at all.
Let's just get our stuff. Everybody search.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God.
We are a mess.
Mom, you look like that
one chick from Mad Max.
Charlize Theron?
Pfft!
No. No, the old one.
The one that got squashed
by the water truck. Roadkill.
Let's use their bathroom to get cleaned up.
Good idea. We don't want to show up
to Meemaw's looking like roadkill.
I'm gonna take Manny back to the van.
The van... that's why
we can't find our stuff.
It's still in their van. Let's go!
- I need to use the bathroom.
- Me, too.
Okay. Keep watch for each other, all right?
Meet you outside.
Meemaw's memory book! Yes!
- Let's go get the boat.
- Okay!
(LOUD KNOCKING)
Hey, it's me, Rodrick. Your brother.
You almost scared me to death.
I wanted to let you know that Beardo's
entering the room right now.
- What?
- Good luck, Greggy.
I wish I could say it was nice knowing you.
- (PANTING)
- (FOOTSTEPS ARRIVING)
(SIGHS)
Those kids got to learn
to clean up after themselves.
(LOUD FART)
(EXHALES)
- (STRAINING)
- (PLOPPING AND SPLASHING)
(PLOPPING CONTINUING)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(BEARDO SIGHS)
He didn't even wash his hands.
What the heck?
- (HIGH PITCHED VIOLIN)
- (NO AUDIBLE SCREAM)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
My eyes! My eyes!
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Start the car!
Everybody in!
I'm gonna get you punks!
I'm gonna chase you down!
Oh, yeah? Then you're gonna need these.
(SCREAMS, GROWLS)
They're right here!
- (SCREAMS)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
It's a diaper. Diaper, it's a diaper.
It's a diaper, it's a diaper.
# Yo, I'll tell you what I want #
# What I really really want #
# So tell me what you want #
# What you really really want #
# I'll tell you what I want #
# What I really really want #
# So tell me what you want #
# What you really really want #
# I wanna, I wanna
I wanna, I wanna #
# I wanna really really
really wanna zigazig ah #
# If you wanna be my lover #
# You gotta get with my friends #
# Make it last forever #
# Friendship never ends #
# If you wanna be my lover #
# You have got to give #
# Taking is too easy #
# But that's the way it is #
# So here's a story from A to Z #
# You wanna get with me
you gotta listen carefully #
# We got Em in the place
who likes it in your face #
# We got G like MC who likes it on an #
# Easy V doesn't come for free #
# She's a real lady #
# And as for me, now you'll see #
# Slam your body down
and wind it all around #
# Slam your body down and zigazig ah #
# If you wanna be my lover #
# You gotta get with my friends #
# Make it last forever #
# Friendship never ends #
DAD: We are officially out of road.
# You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta, you gotta #
# You gotta slam, slam, slam, slam #
# Make it last forever #
Come on, baby. Get there.
# If you wanna be my lover #
(ENGINE LURCHING)
DAD: We killed the car.
Sorry, hon.
Look!
Is that Meemaw's house?
I think it is.
GREG: So we're nearly there.
Greg, the van won't run.
It doesn't have to run, Dad.
It just has to roll.
If we all push, maybe we could
get it over the hill.
Then just let gravity do the rest
and we ride on down to Meemaw's house.
I think that might be the worst idea
I've ever heard in my life.
Okay, boys, once we get rolling,
I want you to hop in. Got it?
On three, here we go. One, two, three.
Come on, push.
That's it. Here we go. Come on.
It's working!
(MOM SCREAMING)
Come on, Greg!
I can't make it!
Greg, run!
Come on!
Oh, boy.
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
# Splish splash, I was takin' a bath #
# Long about a Saturday night #
# Yeah, a rub dub, just relaxin' in the tub #
# Thinkin' it would make us all right #
# Well, I stepped out the tub #
Greg?
Happy birthday, Meemaw.
What a wonderful surprise.
MOM: Greg?
Greg! Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
You said you wanted to get your boat
on the water this summer.
Happy birthday, Meemaw.
- Sure.
- Sorry.
GREG: Well, I guess this trip
ended up being one of Mom's better ideas.
And you know what?
It was a pretty great party.
CROWD: # Happy birthday to you! #
GREG: After we got the van fixed,
and the boat out of Meemaw's pool,
we headed home.
At least, we thought the van was fixed.
(DAD SIGHS)
I'm not getting a signal.
Look, there's a car!
Hello? Hello!
Hi, there.
Thank you so much for stopping.
Hola.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Oh, no, we don't speak Spanish.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Oh, Manny!
Luis. (SPEAKS SPANISH)
(CHUCKLES) Hi.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
We still don't speak Spanish.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
I'm so proud of you.
He say caca.
So proud.
I hope you guys are happy.
Your little brother is super smart.
I just hope he knows where he's going.
(MANNY SPEAKS SPANISH)
(LUIS SPEAKS SPANISH)
(MANNY SPEAKS SPANISH)
I don't believe it.
(LUIS SPEAKS SPANISH)
(MANNY SPEAKS SPANISH)
# You can count on me #
# Like 1, 2, 3 #
# I'll be there #
# And I know when I need it #
(OINKING HAPPILY)
# I can count on you #
# Like 4, 3, 2 #
# And you'll be there #
# 'Cause that's what friends
are supposed to do, oh, yeah #
# Oooh, oooh, ooh, ooh #
GREG: By the time
we got home, everyone was good.
Dad told his boss he needed
more time with his family,
which made Mom really happy.
And they loaned Rodrick the money
to fix his Loded Diper van
in exchange for him cleaning out the minivan.
(GIGGLING)
Trust me. This vacation was far from perfect.
But the one thing our road trip has taught me
is that a little face time
with my family really isn't that bad.
And you know, we ended up
with plenty of material for
our own memory book.
I don't think we're gonna be winning
any Family of the Year awards.
But our trip was definitely an adventure.
- (PIG GRUNTING)
- DAD: Hey!
In fact, I can't wait to see
where we're going next year.
Wherever it is, we're flying.
# Run, run, run
yeah, run and run #
# Look up, look down
look all around, oh, yeah #
# Go, go, go, yeah
we're on the go #
# Swing left, swing right
because you never know #
# Oh, yeah #
# One, two, three, four #
# We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh, oh #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh, oh #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh #
# Dance, dance, dance till you see the sun #
# So bright, so right
yeah it's just begun #
# Oh, yeah #
# Move, move, move when you hear the song #
# Go nuts, go wild when the music's on #
# Oh, yeah #
- # Let's go #
- # We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh, oh #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh #
# Run, run, run, run #
# Go, go, go, go #
# Dance, dance, dance, dance #
- # Move, move, move, move #
- # Oh, yeah #
# We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
# We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
(GIRLS WHISPERING)
Watch and learn, little bro. Watch and learn.
Hey, ladies. My band's playing
the car wash this weekend.
Are you Diaper Hands?
Yes, he is.
- Oh, my God!
- Can we get selfies with you?
Sure.
# We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
(FANFARE PLAYING)
(MUSIC ENDS)
Do we have to come to Corny's?
This place is for babies.
Then you fit right in, Greggy.
It's not a place for babies,
it's a place for family-style dining,
right, Frank?
That's right.
And the buffet's all-you-can-eat,
so take advantage.
Thanks for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs. Heffley.
I hear their ball pit is super deep!
(CRYING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
# Right down from my toes
to my belly and brain #
# Gotta shake myself
jump up in the shower #
# Gotta fix my health
how many hours #
# Did I spent last night
with the whiskey neat #
# In a really big zone on the floor #
# Until I lost the beat #
# And now I'm incomplete #
# Heebie jeebies #
This place really is the worst.
BOY: Incoming!
(PIG GRUNTING)
It's his new video.
It's supposed to be awesome.
Okay, enough.
You know the rule...
devices away during dinner.
MAC DIGBY:
So I'm cruising through the spaceship
and it looks like you get
to interact with all the aliens.
So it's pretty tight. Pretty amazeballs!
I hate that Mac Digby.
He's a horrible role model.
Are you kidding?
He's like the greatest guy I know.
Hey!
Rowley, I bet your family
doesn't have this problem with technology.
Oh, yeah, my mom's really strict
about her one-hour limit on screen time.
See?
One hour a day, that's all they need.
It's a week. One hour a week.
I have failed as a parent.
No.
So who's excited
about the Great Heffley Road Trip?
Hmm?
A journey across the U.S. of A. to Meemaw's.
Do we have to go?
It's Meemaw's 90th birthday,
and everyone's gonna be there.
We're gonna see family
we haven't seen in years.
Oh, come on, Greg.
I promise we're gonna make it fun for you.
If I go, will you give me
money to fix my van?
- No.
- Can't we just fly?
No.
A road trip is a great opportunity
to spend time together as a family.
It's four days in the car. Together.
It's not exactly what I had planned
for summer vacation.
MANNY: Mommy!
Mommy!
Oh, no. Manny's stuck.
Mommy! Mommy!
- Greg, will you go help him?
- Why me?
Cause you're the only one
who can fit in there.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
KID: Ow! I bumped my head.
Ugh!
It stinks of old socks.
(GROANING)
ROWLEY: Good-bye, Greg!
Manny, stay there.
Hey, Bubby.
GIRL: We're in the ballpit! Yeah!
Manny? Manny?
Manny?
KID: Whoa!
Manny?
Manny!
Manny! Manny?
Diaper! It's a diaper,
it's a diaper, it's a diaper!
It's a diaper!
It's a diaper!
(CROWD LAUGHING)
I knew we shouldn't have come here.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
If there's one thing I've learned
from my years of being a kid,
it's that you have zero control
over your own life.
Take Mom, for example.
She's always on me to do "healthy" things,
like read books and play outside.
It's the worst.
(GROANS)
(RAIN FALLING)
(SCREAMING)
If she had her way,
we'd be living like people did
before there were computers and cell phones.
But human beings have evolved.
Now we need things like video games
and smartphones to survive.
- (SCREAMS)
- (SPLASH)
All she cares about is family time.
Now don't get me wrong.
I like my family and all,
but I'm just not sure
we're all meant to live together.
Maybe things will be better one day,
when we all have our own places
and only see each other on the holidays.
But right now,
this combination of people
is just not working.
(BIKE BELL RINGS)
This is a disaster.
Diaper! It's a diaper,
it's a diaper, it's a diaper!
That's it. My life is over.
It already has 6,000 views.
Congrats, Diaper Hands, you've gone viral.
GREG (ON VIDEO): Diaper! It's a diaper!
I'd love to stick around with you losers,
but I got to forward this to everyone I know.
(CACKLES)
(SIGHS)
It gets worse! Now I'm a meme!
ROWLEY: "Diaper Hands Dunks."
- That's pretty funny.
- You're not seeing the big picture.
If I don't do something soon,
I'm gonna be branded
as "Diaper Hands" for life.
Or maybe even longer.
(CAWING)
Hey.
Why don't we watch the latest
Mac Digby video?
Just please don't tell my parents.
MAC DIGBY: What up?
Today I'm playing Mushroom Makoto.
This game's Japanese,
mental and, yes, I'm a...
What the what? Mushroom in a kitchen?
Boom! You got shroomed!
Dat's how Digby do it!
"Dat's how Digby do it." Classic.
Mac's the best.
If I was in a video with him,
I'm pretty sure everyone would
just forget about "Diaper Hands."
You know what?
I'm gonna write Mac and ask if there's
any way I can be in one of his videos.
It can't hurt, right?
GREG (NARRATING): Mom really hates Mac Digby.
But Mac figured out
how to get rich and famous
just from playing video games.
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)
- No way. Mac replied already.
It says: "Thanks for the email, Greg."
He used my name.
"I'm going to be at Player Expo this weekend
"in Indianapolis from 12:00 to 2:00
hanging out, mashing buttons
and making gamer history."
Hey, maybe you'll be
in my next YouTube video."
This is the greatest day of my life.
No one will remember Diaper Hands
when I'm in a Mac Digby video.
I'm going to be "Greg Famous."
GIRL: Greg Heffley. Oh, my God.
(GIRLS OOHING)
But your mom says
Mac Digby is a bad influence.
I mean, do you really think she'll let you
go to Player Expo to be in a video with him?
(BIRD CAWING)
(CAT YOWLING)
You're right.
(SIGHS DEJECTEDLY)
There's no way.
Unless...
Player Expo's in Indianapolis this weekend.
And get this, Meemaw's party is in Indiana.
This is perfect!
Player Expo is only...
...two inches away from Meemaw's!
I'm not sure that's how maps work.
All I have to do is make sure our road trip
brings us close to Player Expo,
and then sneak away long enough
to see Mac Digby,
and then come back before
anyone notices I'm gone.
No one gets hurt.
It's a win-win situation.
Is it?
MOM: Guys! Guys.
This is way too much stuff.
These are definitely essentials.
No, no, no. Manny, no sweetie.
No, we're not bringing that.
Uh, there's no room for people in here.
Maybe we should look into plane tickets.
GREG (NARRATING): This was a disaster.
My whole plan was falling apart.
I have an idea.
If we take all the junk out,
we can use the boat as a trailer.
Then, if we see some water,
Dad, you can show us how to sail and fish.
For, you know, fish.
Now you're talking.
Aye-aye, Captain.
MOM: Who's ready for
the Great Heffley Road Trip?
Can I get a woot-woot?
GREG: Woot-woot! Go, Mom.
RODRICK: Dork.
# Bottle rockets off your roof #
# Riding bikes through red lights #
# We're bulletproof #
Meemaw's, here we come.
I'm texting.
Oh, no. No devices on this trip.
What do you mean?
This is an unplugged road trip.
No phones, no iPads, no Internet.
- What?!
- MOM: Just family time.
The only connecting we're gonna do
is with each other.
Everyone hand over your devices.
You tricked us!
This is totally not cool.
Kids at school get way more
screen time than I do!
I'm not giving up my phone. Pfft!
Yeah! If he's not givin' up his phone,
I'm not givin' up mine.
If he's not giving up,
I'm not giving mine up.
Who do you think you are, bossing us around?
You want me to read. I'm reading text!
What's the difference?
- You're the worst mom ever!
- Yeah!
MOM: Mm-hmm.
Without devices,
there's absolutely nothing to do.
Look at the scenery. Read a book.
"Read a book?" It's summer vacation!
- Pfft! Scenery's stupid! Pfft!
- Yeah!
Listen to your mother, boys.
Frank. The ban goes for you, too.
No, no, no, no. I got to check the route.
Uh, no, you don't. We have GPS.
And if that fails, I brought a map.
We'll kick it old school.
# Yeah, I like this right here #
# Bom, ba-dum bum ba-da-da-da-da #
GPS: Estimated time on road:
47 hours and 1 minute.
# Let's escape #
# I'm free to do what I want #
# And have a good time #
# Now somebody, anybody, everybody #
# 'Cause I'm free... #
- Fast food, fast food.
- You can't do this to me.
You're hungry, I'm happy to provide.
# Everybody sing #
# I'm free, baby, bring the beat, baby #
# Let me show you how I live #
# Let you live baby #
# Let's be free, baby #
# And cruise the world #
# Are you with it girl? #
# I'm free to do what I want #
# And have a good time #
# Now somebody, anybody, everybody #
# 'Cause I'm free to do what I want #
# And have a good time #
# Now somebody, anybody, everybody sing #
# Went from a poor kid #
# To a well-known all around the globe... #
The two of you are in
so much trouble right now!
You should not be doing that sort of thing.
# Feel free, do whatever you want #
# Whenever you want with whoever you want #
# Feel free, who cares what they say... #
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
- (CELL PHONE DINGS)
Can we have our phones back yet?
Nope. The bag is closed.
- Well, when is the bag going to open?
- It's not.
Well, when is the bag not going to not open?
Okay, okay, I have something fun
to pass the time.
Who has a guilty conscience?
It's a simple game.
Someone takes a card from the deck
and reads it aloud.
If you've done the thing on the card,
you get a point.
So, the first person to three points wins.
"I must confess...
I once owned an unusual pet."
- I had a pet tarantula in college.
- No way.
Yeah! His name was Terry Antula
and he was awesome.
One point.
"I must confess
I once had a crazy hairstyle."
Guilty! I dyed my hair pink
when I was younger for a summer.
When did you guys stop being fun?
Well, your dad and I were young
once, too, you know.
Can I read the next one?
Yes.
"I must confess...
"I once broke a window by shooting a BB gun
and blamed my little brother for it."
Yes. I totally did that.
I'm tied with Mom and Dad. Read another one.
MOM: My turn.
"I must confess I once drove my mom's car
when I didn't have a license
and scratched the door very badly."
I did that, too! Boom. One more point.
That's plus one. Plus another point.
"I must confess...
"I once toilet papered the house
of the sweet old lady
who lived next door to me."
Yes!
Guilty as charged!
It's like this game was made for me!
I own you losers!
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, yeah, I win. I won.
Now I get my van fixed, right?
I'm very sorry for toilet papering
your house, ma'am.
It was a very bad thing,
and I would be honored to...
...mow your lawn and clean your car
for the rest of summer to make amends.
Okay, thank you. Bye, now.
You are so dead.
(MANNY SHOUTING AND WHINING)
Where's Manny's pacifier?
I left it at home.
You did what?
I made an executive decision not to bring it.
He's way too old for one.
You know, this trip is a perfect
opportunity for him
to go cold turkey, you know?
(MANNY CONTINUES WHINING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
It was all they had.
Rodrick, I said no phones.
I want to post it online. It's hilarious.
No!
No Instagrammy, no Snappychat!
(STOMACH RUMBLING)
I agree with Greg's stomach. We need to eat.
GREG: If you wake Manny up
in the middle of a nap,
he goes completely ballistic
and there's no calming him down.
So when he's asleep,
Mom and Dad do everything they can
to keep him that way.
DAD: Okay guys, ready?
(SIGHS)
(HORN HONKING)
- Whoa!
- (CAR HORN BLARING)
Greg, be more careful!
You almost woke up Manny.
Get the items on my list
and only the items on my list!
List, got it.
Whole-wheat bagel, cream cheese,
- baloney and apples?
- Yeah, you know, we should split up.
Divide and clunker.
Hey!
(SIGHS)
Did you get anything on Mom's list?
Relax, Greggy. I got better stuff.
# So let's sing this one more time #
# It goes, destination, permanent vacation #
Free Wi-fi. Perfect.
# Na-na, na-na na na #
- GREG: Hey, want to check out the pool?
- RODRICK: Sweet!
# Destination, permanent vacation #
GREG: Huh?
(RATS SQUEAKING)
What a rip-off!
They should be sued for false advertising!
At least there's a hot tub.
But look at those weirdos.
(SHOUTING PLAYFULLY, LAUGHING)
Or should that be Beardos?
(MOCKINGLY) Good one.
(ROARING AND SPLASHING)
(WHISPERING) Frank,
this place is disgusting!
Ah, it's not so bad.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- It's just for one night.
These towels are wetter than my hands.
(CRUNCH)
Mom!
(GROANS)
Nobody uses the bathroom.
We'll clean up at the next stop.
Let's eat.
Yeah.
What were you two thinking?
We can't make dinner out of
uncooked cinnamon rolls
and bubblegum.
No, duh.
They're for dessert.
I got us a microwave pizza.
(BEEPING)
- (GEARS WHIRRING)
- (BEEPING)
Rodrick?
That's a mini-safe.
(SAFE RATTLING)
RODRICK: Huh.
And they disguised it as a microwave.
Pretty smart.
(GROANS)
Did you guys get anything on my list?
I couldn't read your curly
Oldie English writing.
Do you mean cursive?
Cursive?
Is it okay if I go use the hot tub?
Yeah, sure, just don't wake Manny
when you come back in.
- DAD: I am so hungry.
- MOM: Me, too.
"Grandparents React to Diaper Hands!"?
GREG (ON VIDEO): Diaper! It's a diaper,
it's a diaper, it's a diaper!
RODRICK: Hey, Cheez Nips.
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd join you,
in case any hot chicks
who dig musicians show up.
(GREG SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)
(SIGHS)
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
You got your phone from the van?
- (CELL PHONE DINGS)
- (LAUGHS)
It's from Rowley.
"Have fun at Player Expo. Zoo-Wee-Mama."
Pfft! What a dork.
Player Expo?
You're planning to go
to your little nerd convention.
Oh, this is too good. I'm telling Mom.
No, Rodrick, give that back!
(WATER GURGLING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
What?
- Oh, no.
- Oompa-Loompa.
After your little "I Confess" stunt today,
this is my chance to even the score.
Maybe Mom and Dad will even give me
the money to get my van fixed.
W-w-wait.
If you need money,
I have a better way to get you some.
To get a lot.
Come with me to Player Expo.
There are hot girls everywhere.
Why is she wearing armor with a bikini?
It's called cosplay. And there's a lot of it.
RODRICK: Are those even real?
I doubt it. People make
their weapons out of foam and stuff.
But the best part is, there's a
video game drummer competition
just like Rock Band,
and I think the prize is about $1,000.
$1,000?
I'd be able to buy ten vans with that.
But now you're telling Mom.
I guess there's no way I'm going.
If I say we're going, we're going.
You get that, chico?
Oh!
What are you doing?
This isn't what it looks like.
Are you doing work?
Okay, it is what it looks like.
Look, I couldn't tell my boss
I was taking the week off.
You get that, right?
Yeah, I totally get that.
But if Mom found out, she'd go ballistic.
I know. That's why you and I need to...
Did you take your phone from the van?
No.
Greg. If Mom found out, she'd go ballistic.
Okay, okay. I'll put it back.
I won't tell Mom I saw anything. I promise.
The thing is, I want Mom to be happy.
I'm sure you don't want
to disappoint her, do you?
Definitely not.
What do you say we keep this
little arrangement between us guys?
What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her, right?
Sure.
Good boy.
Are you orange?
Yep.
- (SNORING)
- (SCOFFS)
Where am I supposed to sleep?
(LOUD CLATTERING)
(LOUD CLATTERING CONTINUES)
(KIDS LAUGHING)
What are you doing?
Some people are trying to sleep!
Put some pants on, creep!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, you guys think that's funny.
Well, you won't be laughing
when I report you to the manager
and he throws you and your
whole Beardo family out!
Oh, yeah?
What is going on out here?
(LOUD SLAM)
(BEARDO GASPS)
My van!
(YELLS)
Why did you do that?
Me?
This weirdo shows up in his underpants
and when we ask him to put some clothes on,
he threatens to beat us up!
What?
I... No, no, no. That's not true!
And he called you a "fat Beardo!"
(GROWLS)
Come here, punk!
Dad! Dad! Help!
- Hey!
- Huh?
Is that your kid?
What kid?
Inside!
BEARDO: I know you're out there, kid!
I tracked down original floor mats
to a vintage camper, son!
I will find you!
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
Why do I have to sleep in the closet?
Come on. Move over.
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMING)
What are you doing in my room?
Where were you?
I just went for a quick jog.
In your underwear?
I like the fresh air.
Okay.
Honey, that's not a good idea.
What's with all the standing around?
Let's get back on the road, right, Mom?
I'm with Greg. Open road,
here comes the Heffley family.
Seriously, next time, wear pants.
There are a lot of weirdos out there.
And Beardos.
# I can patch up the hole #
# She left in the screen door #
# I can pawn off the ring #
# That she threw on the floor #
# And the grass will grow back where #
# She left tracks in the yard #
- (RODRICK SNIFFLING)
- # That ain't the hardest part #
That song is such a bummer.
What? Rodrick, get back.
(METAL MUSIC PLAYS)
What is this?
Is this even music?
It's Loded Diper's new demo! You're welcome!
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Yeah. Thank you.
My drum solo was coming up.
- It's thirteen minutes of heaven.
- Nuh-uh.
First rule of a road trip
is the driver is the D.J.
That's great, because I'm the driver
and I picked our theme song for our trip.
It's a family tradition.
Grandpa and Grandma used to pick the music
and us kids would sing along.
(POP SONG STARTS)
- I like this.
- I know.
It was a big hit when we were dating, right?
# Yo, tell me what I want
what I really, really want #
# So tell me what you want
what you really, really want #
# I'll tell you what I want
what I really, really want #
Please stop, please stop!
No! This isn't happening!
Please, just stop, stop, please!
Okay, fine!
I was really enjoying that.
Just try something else. Anything else.
Okay.
You win.
I choose "Hola!: Learn to Speak Spanish."
INSTRUCTOR: Let's start with the most
common greeting, "Hello" or "Hi."
"Hi" is simply "Hola" in Spanish.
Can you try that, please?
Hola.
INSTRUCTOR: Hola. Did you get that right?
"To drink" translates to "beber".
Try saying that. Beber.
You guys are in for a treat.
The country fair will be a great opportunity
for you to see how people live
in the real America.
Wait. So where do we live again?
You guys are actually descended
from country folk.
Peepaw's father worked three jobs
until he had enough money
to buy his own land to grow soybeans.
Why would anyone want to grow soybeans?
Great story. Wake me up when it's over.
Wow. Just wow.
Were we this bored by our parents?
If we agree to go to this country fair,
can we get our phones back after?
As a reward?
No.
How about just for an hour?
We do something for you
and you do something for us. That's fair.
The country fair is a treat.
You don't get a reward
for agreeing to a treat!
You boys are going to the country fair
and you're going to enjoy yourselves.
Do I make myself clear?
(BANJO STRUMMING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
(HORSE WHINNYING)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Hey, what do you say we split up?
Um, you take Manny on the rides
and I'll show these boys
how to win some carnival games, huh?
These guys don't need a parent
getting in the way.
It'll be good for them
to spend time together.
Bonding.
All the rides look lame.
GREG: And old. Really old.
You guys go get your "country" on.
Spit some seed, ride some hay.
And don't forget
to eat something healthy, okay?
Take advantage of all the amazing
produce here.
- Definitely, yeah, definitely.
- Yeah, produce.
Mmm! Have fun.
BOTH: Deep-fried butter on a stick!
Oh, my.
MAN: Here you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Two deep-fried butters
on a stick, please, amigo.
Regular or extra-crispy?
Extra-crispy, obviously.
(HOT OIL GURGLING)
This is the best moment of my life!
MAN: Maybe we should get
a funnel cake and a sausage stick.
Ice cream's on the budget.
We need to leave.
I'll take two more.
Dad, I'm country-ed out. Can we go?
I am in a serious bind.
I need to make a work phone call.
- Where's Mom?
- She's in line for the porta-potty.
I figure I've got, like, 20 minutes.
Can you do me a favor?
Can you take him over to the livestock tent?
I can't have him melting down
while I'm on this call.
Me take him?
Yeah. Spend some quality time
with your brother, all right?
Ten bucks. Ten bucks? Perfect.
Come on, Manny.
CARNY: Sorry, missy, you did not guess
the exact weight. But...
you do get this here lollipop.
Now, who's next?
Lollipop.
- CARNY: Step on up here, folks.
- Not now, Manny.
(GREG SHOUTS)
Okay, okay.
- (GREG SIGHS)
- CARNY: Look around here. Who we got?
Who's next here? Hey there, little fella.
Let me ask you something.
Can you see that pig right there?
How much you think that pig weighs?
Honestly, he just wants a lollipop.
Oh. Well now, for a lollipop,
I'm still gonna have to have a guess.
But he can only count 1, 2, 3.
4, 5, 6!
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
Ol' Wilberta there weighs exactly
456 pounds, on the nose. How about that?
Bless your little heart.
Son, you won the grand prize.
How about that, ladies and gentlemen?
Manny, this is awesome.
Now, just be gentle with him now.
Go ahead there, take him.
There you go. Look at him!
Oh, no, no, no. We... we can't take this pig.
You're saying that you're not gonna
let the little one keep it?
A boy needs a pig.
But we don't live on farms.
We're normal people.
You're saying folks that live
on farms ain't normal.
That's not what I mean.
We just don't have anywhere to keep it.
Ma'am, you wouldn't let
a pig inside your house
with your baby, would you?
We'll take our pig and go.
All right, we had a winner, how about that?
A grand prize winner, ladies and gentlemen.
Please don't poop.
BEARDO: I got you, kid!
No, I can hear you fine.
Dad, here's Manny. Got to go.
Wait, no!
Hey! Why are you being such a spaz?
I'm not. I'm just really excited to, uh...
To ride the "Alien Abduction."
Let's rock.
CARNY: Stay against the wall
and keep your hands to yourself!
We're off.
(BUZZER)
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
I knew I shouldn't have ate
that 9th stick of butter.
Ninth?
BEARDO: You!
Stop the ride! Stop the ride!
It's a diaper, it's a diaper, it's a diaper!
What the heck?
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
- (GROWLING)
- # Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
# Gotta let it go, gotta let it go #
Watch it, you jerk.
Sorry!
- (KIDS GROANING)
- BOY: Stop it!
GIRL: Get off of me!
You need to move, kid,
or I will climb over you.
I'm warning you, please don't.
(BEARDO GRUNTS)
GREG (NARRATING): I'm not an A student
of physics or anything,
but I'm familiar with the theory,
"What comes up, must fall down."
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
# Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
- (GROANING)
- # Let yourself go, let yourself go #
# Let yourself go #
I could go for another stick
of deep-fried butter.
BEARDO: Oh, God, no! It's in my mouth!
(RIDERS GROANING)
Let's get out of here.
Where did you go?
That was an important phone call.
Okay, all right. Let's still keep this
between us, all right?
MOM: Oh, you guys are all together.
Did the Heffley boys have fun?
Absolutely, an amazing time. Together.
I won a prize.
What? You did, sweetie? What did you win?
(OINKING)
Oh, my gosh.
A pig.
An actual pig.
An actual living pig.
How did this happen?
Uh...
Uh...
Manny guessed the weight, right, Dad?
Uh... that's right. Um, in the...
The livestock tent.
In the livestock tent. Right. That's...
Yeah, but you know,
now that I think about it, uh,
keeping a pig, that's...
that's not a good idea
because it's not a pet
and it belongs in a barnyard.
And we should take it back.
I love my piggy.
And this is just occurring to you now?
I think it's great we have a pig.
Cause now we'll be able to get bacon
from it every morning.
The truth is, I wasn't 100% there
when Manny won the pig.
He was with Greg.
I-I couldn't help it.
I really didn't want to take it,
but there was a lot of pressure
from, I'm guessing, farmers?
What is going on here?
I wasn't with them because
I had to make a work call.
- Frank!
- I'm under a lot of pressure right now.
And, honestly, I don't think a total
technology ban is realistic.
I need to make calls to the office.
And Greg's a modern kid.
Using his phone is in his DNA.
What? Greg's been using his phone, too?
Oh, come on. You made a deal with me.
Will someone please pay for my van repairs?
Stop! Let me get this straight.
You and Greg have been using your phones,
and you both conspired to keep this from me?
We're leaving.
And we're keeping the pig.
INSTRUCTOR: Let's learn the Spanish for,
"What is your name?"
- translated word by word.
- (PIG SQUEALING)
"What" translates to "Qu."
What's the matter with it?
Greg, please tell your father that his pig
probably needs to use the bathroom.
You know,
I could really use the bathroom, too.
I drank way too much lemonade.
Okay, then tell your father
to pull over at the next gas station
and you can take his pig in with you.
What?
You're just gonna have
to keep your legs crossed.
The next exit is 37 miles.
Thirty-seven miles?
That's way too far.
(GROANS)
(PIG SQUEALING)
It's no use. I can't hold it.
(PANTS UNZIPPING)
Greg, for goodness sake!
(URINE TRICKLING)
Don't spill any.
(GROANS)
Oh!
It's filling up.
Then stop peeing.
It doesn't work that way.
I've started, now I've got to see it through.
He's right.
- GREG: Oh!
- (URINE CONTINUES TRICKLING)
(GROANS)
Here.
I don't want it!
(URINE STARTS AGAIN)
(OINKING)
Oh, look how cute.
The piggy's better
potty trained than you, Greg.
(LOUD FARTING)
Oh, my God!
(FARTING CONTINUES)
What's happening?
(ALL GROANING)
GREG: No way!
Check it out, a mini-bar.
- Sweet.
- Back up.
Nobody touches the mini-bar.
I'm not paying $7 for a cookie.
Where's the pig gonna sleep?
(OINKING)
(SOFT OINKING)
(EATING NOISES)
(WRAPPERS RUSTLING)
No!
No fair. The pig can use the mini-bar
and we can't?
You realize this will probably cost
more than the hotel room.
I love you, piggy.
# Work, work #
- # Gotta get that work #
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING AND RINGING)
# Work, work, gotta get that work #
- # Work, work, gotta get that work #
- (CELL PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)
Please let me take this call
and I will put work aside
for the rest of the trip, okay?
Nothing but family time, I promise.
- Nothing but family time?
- Promise.
Okay, deal. Just get it over with.
Boys, let's help your dad and be quiet
for the next 10 minutes
so that he can finally put work behind him
and join the vacation.
Sure.
Whatever.
DAD: Quiet. Here we go.
Hey, this is Frank.
WOMAN (OVER PHONE):
Frank, where have you been?
Hi, Julie, yeah.
I'm sorry, things just snowballed
on my end, uh-huh.
That's not a problem. I can handle that.
- Okay.
- (CHEWING LOUDLY)
Uh-huh.
(SHUSHING LOUDLY)
(CONTINUES SHUSHING)
Your shushes are louder than my chewings.
(JULIE CONTINUES, INDISTINCT)
- Yeah.
- (WINDOW WHIRRING)
Throw it out.
(MOUTHING WORDS)
Yeah, uh, I don't know.
I mean, there's a weird connection.
(WHIRRING)
Uh-huh.
(HORN HONKING)
- JULIE: Hello?
- I'm still here, Julie.
Frank, the deadline
for the proposal is this Friday.
- Ow!
- (MANNY YELLING)
Get the pacifier!
MOM: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(PIG SQUEALING)
Get the pig!
(MANNY CONTINUES CRYING)
(GRUNTING HAPPILY)
Ugh.
(SHOUTS)
(MOM YELLS)
(CARS WHIZZING BY)
INSTRUCTOR: "To drink" translates to "beber".
Try saying that.
(SCREAMING)
"To read" becomes "leer".
Your turn.
"To be able to" is "poder" in Spanish.
"To know" becomes "saber".
- Once again..."saber".
- (PIG SQUEALING)
(CD TURNS OFF)
That's great. Thanks, everybody.
I'll be lucky to have a job come Monday!
Had to take a road trip.
Had to take a road trip!
JULIE (OVER PHONE): Frank! What's happening?
What road trip?
Frank? Who are you talking to?
Are you there?
Hello?
Hey, Dad? I think
you might still be connected.
Frank? What's going on? Where are you?
Answer me.
(CAR HORN BLARES)
(BLARING CONTINUES)
GREG: Rodrick, I thought Meemaw's was just
two inches from Player Expo.
But on this map, it's like seven!
So?
So we're going to be too far away from it.
I'll never be in the Mac Digby video
and you'll never win your $1,000.
You better fix this mess, El Dorko.
I need that money.
I have an idea.
(BEEPS)
Hurry up.
GPS: Changing destination
to Parkway Convention Center.
GREG: Manny and the pig had really bonded.
But from the look on Mom and Dad's faces,
I could tell that its days
with the Heffley family were numbered.
(SHEEP BLEATING)
INSTRUCTOR: How do you say the words
"your name" in Spanish?
Will you say, "Tu nombre" or "Mi nombre"
or "Su nombre"?
DAD: I just don't get it.
We're miles off course.
That's why you shouldn't trust technology.
If we'd just used a map instead of the GPS...
Don't worry.
I think we can make up the time tomorrow.
I hope so.
MOM: Guys, come here. Check this out.
Come here. I made it for Meemaw's birthday.
It's a memory book.
Let's see. That's Meemaw when she was a baby.
Is she a boy or a girl?
Wow. Who's that soldier?
That's Meemaw's brother, Fred,
in World War ll.
She'll show you his medals if you ask her.
He was a tough old guy.
This is our family history, you guys.
This book dates all the way up to...
No! No way, no, no!
No, you can't show her those photos.
Yeah, Mom. You can't give Meemaw
a photo of my naked butt!
Oh, it's so cute.
Okay, guys, come on.
We all got to get up early.
- Let's get ready for bed.
- Yes, we do. We do. Okay.
Come on, Manny.
Get your pajamas on everyone.
We made it.
We're back to just two inches
away from Player Expo.
Sweet. Tomorrow we ride, compadre.
I don't know how we're gonna get to the Expo.
Do you have any money?
We don't need money.
We'll use Uber. It's completely free.
Free?
But how do they make a profit?
I don't know, I'm not a businesswoman.
See? No money changed hands.
It really is free. That's incredible.
But I didn't think it would take an hour
to drive two inches.
(RAPID GUNFIRE)
(CAR ACCELERATING)
This is incredible!
I know. I've never seen
so many dorks in one place before.
These are my people.
This is where I'm meant to be.
Diaper! It's a diaper!
Diaper! It's a diaper, man!
- Yup.
- It's a diaper!
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
Ooo-aahh!
I don't want to be late to Meemaw's party.
And I don't know why
they're not answering their phones.
You did say no technology.
Are you seriously giving me
the "I told you so" look right now?
No.
EMCEE: Welcome to Rock Drummer.
This contestant says he's a professional.
Let's see how he does.
Uh-oh.
- Ooh.
- (BUZZER)
Not good.
My grandma drums better than that.
Time to rock out of here, champ.
(IMITATES LOSER SOUND)
GREG: I guess Rodrick won't
be getting his van fixed anytime soon.
We've been to the convention,
had a swell time.
Going home in the morning
and nobody's any the wiser!
(SCREAMS)
It's been too long.
I'm gonna call the police.
(CHANGING CHANNELS ON TV)
Yes, I need to file
a missing person's report.
It's my two sons, Rodrick and Greg.
Rodrick is 16 and Greg is 12.
What are they wearing? I don't know.
Rodrick is wearing a black Motorhead T-shirt
and Greg's wearing a Twisted Wizard
baseball tee with blue sleeves.
How do you know that?
WOMAN (ON TV):
...at Player Expo. You're right!
I am at Player Expo, right now.
The hottest ticket in town.
And there is no better place to discover
what the new hottest trends are.
Bubby!
What do your parents think about you guys
coming to the Expo to play video games?
Oh, they have no idea. (CHUCKLES)
Frankly, Jill, they're a little slow.
Well, they are a little slow if
you're here and they
don't know where you are.
Why don't you come on
down and join them here,
because it's loads of fun at the Expo.
Look at the fun they're having now.
Actually, I'd like to report a double murder
at Player Expo in about 30 minutes.
EMCEE: Right now on the main stage,
we've got the great Mac Digby.
Look! There he is.
EMCEE: The game is Downhill Death Race.
Dat's how Digby do it!
This is awesome!
Mac is about to beat the world record!
Once people see a video of me and Mac Digby,
I'll be the coolest kid in middle school,
and everyone will forget about Diaper Hands.
No one will ever forget about Diaper Hands.
It's way too funny.
Nuh-uh.
I have an appointment with Mac Digby.
He sent me this email
inviting me to play with him.
They sent that out to every kid in here.
The line ends back there.
EMCEE: Mac Digby's become the first
player ever to beat Level 28!
The email was just a trick
to get kids to show up today.
There's no way I can wait in that line.
I'll never be in a YouTube video
with Mac Digby.
MAC DIGBY: I'm gonna go down
this slope real quick,
shred some fresh powder!
Unless...
MAC: How you like that, noob?
Okay, so make sure
me and Mac are both in shot.
And I'll make it seem like
we're both hanging out.
Then I'll post it on to YouTube
and mission accomplished.
EMCEE: This is where it all goes down.
Mac Digby going head-to-head
with some of his biggest fans,
live here at Player Expo.
Digby's on his game today.
At the rate he's going,
this could be his best day of gaming ever.
Catch that snowball to the face!
Dat's how Digby do it!
EMCEE: And he's done it. He's at level 31!
- Yeah!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
EMCEE: Looks like
he's only moments away from breaking
the Downhill Death Race world record!
Avalanche! Whoa!
EMCEE: Mac Digby showing total control.
This dude's about to get pwned!
EMCEE: Whoa! This is good, guys.
(CROWD CHANTING) Digby! Digby!
This is insane!
You're witnessing gamer history!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(CROWD GROANING)
What have you done?
I was about to beat the record!
Who are you?
Uh, I'm...
MOM: Greg Heffley!
You are grounded for life!
And I swear, never again
will you play a video game
as long as there is breath in my body.
Really, Greg, I thought maybe
you would have grown up a little bit
after the whole "Diaper Hands" business,
but I guess not.
No way! It's him! Ladies and gents!
We have a celebrity in our midst!
My record breaking attempt
was ruined by none other than
Diaper Hands!
EMCEE: This is incredible!
We have the real Diaper Hands on our stage.
And Diaper Hands has a real name...
Greg Heffley!
Way to go, Greg!
Diaper Hands, Greg Heffley!
(CROWD CHANTING)
Dat's how Diaper Hands do it!
EMCEE: That's right, folks,
let's hear it for Diaper Hands!
You fixed the GPS to drive here.
You tricked us, and now we're going
to be late to Meemaw's birthday.
DAD: I don't even think
we're gonna make it on time.
You embarrassed me in front of everyone, Mom.
Now I'm gonna be known
as Diaper Hands forever!
It'll blow over.
You know what won't? You lying to me.
I just wanted to have a nice family trip
where we all spent time together.
But you don't care about that.
Well, you don't care
about the things I love, either!
If you did, I wouldn't have had
to sneak away to get to this place!
I give up.
Take my phone. Play games.
Enjoy yourself.
I'm done fighting.
We're two hours from Meemaw's.
It's gonna be tight, but I think we're
gonna make it by the end of the party.
Hey. At least you have your Mac Digby video.
(CROWD CHEERING ON VIDEO)
What the...
MAC DIGBY (ON VIDEO):...worldwide record
is 28 million. And I'm about to beat it!
You used the front-facing camera?
Did I?
My bad.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(HORN HONKING)
What's that idiot honking at?
Just let him get by you.
# Almost heaven, West Virginia #
# Blue Ridge mountains #
- (HORNS HONKING)
- # Shenandoah River #
# Life is old there #
# Older than the trees #
# Younger than the mountains #
# Blowin' in the breeze #
# Country road, take me home, to... #
- Um, Dad?
- What?
You might want to stop the car.
What? Why?
Holy Mother of...
#...home, country road #
DAD: This wouldn't have happened
if we were already at Meemaw's.
RODRICK: Hey, guys, good news!
Whoo! Every silver lining has a cloud!
Everything is ruined. All our things...
our clothes, our toiletries... gone!
Oh, no.
BEARDO: Yeah, yeah, yeah, put that in.
What the heck?
Get in the car! Get in the car!
Hey! That's our stuff!
Yes.
Meemaw's book!
The memory book is in that case.
Come on!
BEARDO: Payback time, punk!
Come on! Back to the van!
Run, run! We're gonna catch up
with those guys! Come on!
Hey, do you know that guy?
How would I know that guy?
(HORNS HONKING FAINTLY)
I don't see them.
Are you going to be okay?
Those photos were irreplaceable.
I really thought coming on this trip
would bring our family closer together.
But I'll know better next time.
(BIRD SQUAWKING)
You want one?
Greg, I wouldn't encourage them.
There's only one.
(SQUAWKING)
Seriously, Greg. That's enough.
(SQUAWKING LOUDER)
Dad? Can you close the sunroof?
Rodrick gummed it up, remember?
Hey! Give it back!
(EVERYONE SCREAMING)
(SQUAWKING)
- You guys all right?
- Thank you, we're fine! We're fine!
(SQUAWKING)
(SCREAMS)
This is pretty bad for you.
You snuck to Player Expo, too.
You're in as much trouble as I am.
No way.
I've spent years lowering
Mom and Dad's expectations.
They expect this kind of stuff
from me, but not you.
I mean, sure, Mom makes you read word books
and bans you from devices cause
she wants you to live a "happy life."
But she just doesn't get what it's like
to be a kid in the 20th century.
I'm sorry.
What'd you do this time?
I'm sorry for changing the GPS.
I'm sorry for tricking Mom into this.
I'm sorry for sneaking away.
I'm sorry for all of it.
I appreciate your apology, Greg,
but I really wanted us to go to Meemaw's.
Well, let's not give up.
Let's go to Meemaw's.
How are we going to do that?
Dad, did you give up on
that phone call with your boss
when the pig got loose in the car?
I probably should have, but no.
And if Meemaw's brother Fred gave up,
do you think we'd have defeated
the British in World War ll?
Definitely not the case.
And Mom, will you ever give up
on making us read books and eat healthy food,
even though we fight you
every step of the way?
Of course not. I love you guys.
Exactly. I mean, things
look pretty bad for us.
But we've come this far
and Meemaw's party isn't over yet.
So shouldn't we at least try to get there?
Greg's right.
We're gonna get to Meemaw's if it kills us.
It almost already has.
The radiator's shot.
We got this traffic to deal with.
One time, I couldn't reach the remote
and I had to watch this show where this guy
blasted his heater to cool his car down.
- Or something.
- I've heard of that.
You turn the heater on, it draws the heat
away from the engine. Yeah!
Good boy!
But what are we gonna do about the traffic?
We could try a different route.
Let's do it.
One, two, three.
Heffley!
Hold on.
I have never been so hot.
Look.
Oh!
I don't like this.
I saw a movie once
where a bunch of mutant hillbillies
led a group of tourists off the main road.
For what?
To hunt them. And then eat them.
Rodrick, you'll scare Manny. Stop.
It was a true story.
(LOUD POP)
(EVERYONE SCREAMING)
(RINGING)
(HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING)
I've been shot! I've been shot!
My brains! My beautiful brains!
Rodrick, you have not been shot!
I'm too young to die!
I'll never play Ozzfest.
I'll never see Loded Diper
in the Hall of Fame!
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!
I'll never get the van fixed.
My brains!
Monster baby!
(CAR REVVING)
We're stuck.
Everybody out. The less weight, the better.
I'm going to gun it.
Do it.
(CAR REVVING)
Okay, we are in business.
- (SPITS)
- (COUGHING)
What'd you guys do?
Look. There's a bigger road.
MOM: Thank God.
No way. Dad, stop the car.
Look.
The Beardos.
If those guys are going to a hot tub,
they'll be there for hours, trust me.
I have a plan.
It's open.
I don't like this at all.
Let's just get our stuff. Everybody search.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God.
We are a mess.
Mom, you look like that
one chick from Mad Max.
Charlize Theron?
Pfft!
No. No, the old one.
The one that got squashed
by the water truck. Roadkill.
Let's use their bathroom to get cleaned up.
Good idea. We don't want to show up
to Meemaw's looking like roadkill.
I'm gonna take Manny back to the van.
The van... that's why
we can't find our stuff.
It's still in their van. Let's go!
- I need to use the bathroom.
- Me, too.
Okay. Keep watch for each other, all right?
Meet you outside.
Meemaw's memory book! Yes!
- Let's go get the boat.
- Okay!
(LOUD KNOCKING)
Hey, it's me, Rodrick. Your brother.
You almost scared me to death.
I wanted to let you know that Beardo's
entering the room right now.
- What?
- Good luck, Greggy.
I wish I could say it was nice knowing you.
- (PANTING)
- (FOOTSTEPS ARRIVING)
(SIGHS)
Those kids got to learn
to clean up after themselves.
(LOUD FART)
(EXHALES)
- (STRAINING)
- (PLOPPING AND SPLASHING)
(PLOPPING CONTINUING)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(BEARDO SIGHS)
He didn't even wash his hands.
What the heck?
- (HIGH PITCHED VIOLIN)
- (NO AUDIBLE SCREAM)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
My eyes! My eyes!
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Start the car!
Everybody in!
I'm gonna get you punks!
I'm gonna chase you down!
Oh, yeah? Then you're gonna need these.
(SCREAMS, GROWLS)
They're right here!
- (SCREAMS)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
It's a diaper. Diaper, it's a diaper.
It's a diaper, it's a diaper.
# Yo, I'll tell you what I want #
# What I really really want #
# So tell me what you want #
# What you really really want #
# I'll tell you what I want #
# What I really really want #
# So tell me what you want #
# What you really really want #
# I wanna, I wanna
I wanna, I wanna #
# I wanna really really
really wanna zigazig ah #
# If you wanna be my lover #
# You gotta get with my friends #
# Make it last forever #
# Friendship never ends #
# If you wanna be my lover #
# You have got to give #
# Taking is too easy #
# But that's the way it is #
# So here's a story from A to Z #
# You wanna get with me
you gotta listen carefully #
# We got Em in the place
who likes it in your face #
# We got G like MC who likes it on an #
# Easy V doesn't come for free #
# She's a real lady #
# And as for me, now you'll see #
# Slam your body down
and wind it all around #
# Slam your body down and zigazig ah #
# If you wanna be my lover #
# You gotta get with my friends #
# Make it last forever #
# Friendship never ends #
DAD: We are officially out of road.
# You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta, you gotta #
# You gotta slam, slam, slam, slam #
# Make it last forever #
Come on, baby. Get there.
# If you wanna be my lover #
(ENGINE LURCHING)
DAD: We killed the car.
Sorry, hon.
Look!
Is that Meemaw's house?
I think it is.
GREG: So we're nearly there.
Greg, the van won't run.
It doesn't have to run, Dad.
It just has to roll.
If we all push, maybe we could
get it over the hill.
Then just let gravity do the rest
and we ride on down to Meemaw's house.
I think that might be the worst idea
I've ever heard in my life.
Okay, boys, once we get rolling,
I want you to hop in. Got it?
On three, here we go. One, two, three.
Come on, push.
That's it. Here we go. Come on.
It's working!
(MOM SCREAMING)
Come on, Greg!
I can't make it!
Greg, run!
Come on!
Oh, boy.
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
# Splish splash, I was takin' a bath #
# Long about a Saturday night #
# Yeah, a rub dub, just relaxin' in the tub #
# Thinkin' it would make us all right #
# Well, I stepped out the tub #
Greg?
Happy birthday, Meemaw.
What a wonderful surprise.
MOM: Greg?
Greg! Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
You said you wanted to get your boat
on the water this summer.
Happy birthday, Meemaw.
- Sure.
- Sorry.
GREG: Well, I guess this trip
ended up being one of Mom's better ideas.
And you know what?
It was a pretty great party.
CROWD: # Happy birthday to you! #
GREG: After we got the van fixed,
and the boat out of Meemaw's pool,
we headed home.
At least, we thought the van was fixed.
(DAD SIGHS)
I'm not getting a signal.
Look, there's a car!
Hello? Hello!
Hi, there.
Thank you so much for stopping.
Hola.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Oh, no, we don't speak Spanish.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Oh, Manny!
Luis. (SPEAKS SPANISH)
(CHUCKLES) Hi.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
We still don't speak Spanish.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
I'm so proud of you.
He say caca.
So proud.
I hope you guys are happy.
Your little brother is super smart.
I just hope he knows where he's going.
(MANNY SPEAKS SPANISH)
(LUIS SPEAKS SPANISH)
(MANNY SPEAKS SPANISH)
I don't believe it.
(LUIS SPEAKS SPANISH)
(MANNY SPEAKS SPANISH)
# You can count on me #
# Like 1, 2, 3 #
# I'll be there #
# And I know when I need it #
(OINKING HAPPILY)
# I can count on you #
# Like 4, 3, 2 #
# And you'll be there #
# 'Cause that's what friends
are supposed to do, oh, yeah #
# Oooh, oooh, ooh, ooh #
GREG: By the time
we got home, everyone was good.
Dad told his boss he needed
more time with his family,
which made Mom really happy.
And they loaned Rodrick the money
to fix his Loded Diper van
in exchange for him cleaning out the minivan.
(GIGGLING)
Trust me. This vacation was far from perfect.
But the one thing our road trip has taught me
is that a little face time
with my family really isn't that bad.
And you know, we ended up
with plenty of material for
our own memory book.
I don't think we're gonna be winning
any Family of the Year awards.
But our trip was definitely an adventure.
- (PIG GRUNTING)
- DAD: Hey!
In fact, I can't wait to see
where we're going next year.
Wherever it is, we're flying.
# Run, run, run
yeah, run and run #
# Look up, look down
look all around, oh, yeah #
# Go, go, go, yeah
we're on the go #
# Swing left, swing right
because you never know #
# Oh, yeah #
# One, two, three, four #
# We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh, oh #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh, oh #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh #
# Dance, dance, dance till you see the sun #
# So bright, so right
yeah it's just begun #
# Oh, yeah #
# Move, move, move when you hear the song #
# Go nuts, go wild when the music's on #
# Oh, yeah #
- # Let's go #
- # We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh, oh #
# Whoa, oh, ooh, oh #
# Run, run, run, run #
# Go, go, go, go #
# Dance, dance, dance, dance #
- # Move, move, move, move #
- # Oh, yeah #
# We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
# We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #
(GIRLS WHISPERING)
Watch and learn, little bro. Watch and learn.
Hey, ladies. My band's playing
the car wash this weekend.
Are you Diaper Hands?
Yes, he is.
- Oh, my God!
- Can we get selfies with you?
Sure.
# We're not slowing down #
# And you can't stop us now #
# Let's kick back and just enjoy the ride #