Diary of a Woman (2025) Movie Script
1
[Wind blowing]
[Tying on typewriter]
[Carriage clanks]
[Electronic dance music]
[Music fades]
[Alex] I have the rare privilege
of having begun life twice.
But do any of us really know
where the journey of
life will take us?
I know nothing in this
snow-covered mountain valley
prepared me for the events
that would follow.
A teacher's life
is all about order,
and I needed a ritual
to protect me
from the chaos in my mind.
Everything would fall
apart if I stopped.
I loved my pupils.
So much innocence and promise.
And liquid water
heats up by the sun,
evaporates, condenses
to form clouds
and falls back to
earth as rain or snow.
Our plants and forests suck up
the liquid in order to grow.
Okay?
I filled their minds with facts,
with the basics
of maths and grammar,
the capitals of Europe...
not knowing what paths
their lives would take.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Door opens]
[Kid 1] I'm gonna get my coat.
-Come on.
-Let's go.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Kids chattering]
[Keys jingle]
[Alex] Maybe keeping a diary
will bring freedom and peace...
help me to sort things out.
I can't stand the noise,
the clutter in my mind.
Even in the quiet
of this village,
it finds me hiding like
a turtle in his shell.
Why do I live alone
when I could share
my life with Laura?
I'm stuck like a
hamster in his wheel,
endlessly spinning
but going nowhere.
And then that dark hour
arrives that I dread.
Night follows the day.
It always does.
And the creatures of the
night know where to find me.
They always do.
[Bell tolling]
[Laura] Alex.
Hi.
Are you okay? You've
been acting so weird.
I'm fine.
Alex, what's up?
I don't know.
How about you and me
having dinner tonight?
[Breathes deeply]
[Ringtone]
Wait a sec.
Oh.
Hello.
[Atty. Marwick]
Hello, Mr. Darkley.
Is this a good time?
-Yeah...Okay.
Ugh, for God's sake.
[Door closes]
I'm sure Alex was actually
really happy back then.
[Sighs] He enjoyed
living in the countryside,
having all that nature
and open space around him,
not like in the city
where he grew up.
He'd love to go
running along the lake
and through the woods
as often as possible.
[Snorts]
My God,
also late at night or
early in the morning
when no one else was around.
No. But, um, later...
yeah, that's when he began
to change, last winter.
He seemed introverted,
didn't talk much,
just wanted to be left alone.
And he started having
difficulties communicating
with people outside
his daily routine--
people he thought
he couldn't trust,
like the parents of his pupils.
And that's a real problem
when you're a schoolteacher
in a small village.
[Train rumbling]
[Car horns honking]
[Alex] Sometimes a phone call
can change your life
without you realizing it.
And when it's a
lawyer calling...
[Doorbell rings]
you know you're
heading for trouble.
Well, Mr. Darkley, can I be
perfectly honest with you?
Yeah.
Maybe you know that the
condition of your mother
has been deteriorating
over the past few months.
She will most likely
never be able
to leave the hospital again.
Okay.
And as her lawyer, it
is my duty to tell you
that all her savings are gone
and that the bank
closed the bank accounts.
[Alex sighs]
As her sole descendant,
you are obliged to take care
of her financial affairs.
Which means, uh, I also have
to vacate her apartment?
That's exactly
what I tried to say.
And when do you think, uh...
As soon as possible.
We have no choice.
So that's the situation.
[Alex sighs]
[Keys jingling]
[Chandelier clinking]
[Clock ticking]
[Alex] Remarkable.
[Chuckles]
It's all here.
Frozen in amber,
a crypt for a bewildered child
waiting for my return.
Once we laughed
in here, we cried,
you and I.
We celebrated Christmas and
every one of my birthdays,
sang songs, and danced for joy.
You were never gonna come home.
I was the one who
needed to come home.
[Alex] I feel like
I'm underwater...
swimming upstream like a
salmon against the current...
floating towards the sun,
fighting so hard to reach
the place I was born.
[Clock ticking]
[Sighs]
[Alex] Strange.
It's all black and
white in my memory now,
no color at all...
save one...
the red color of your dress.
[Water dripping]
[Alex] Where did you go
when I was looking for you
in the middle of the night?
So many nights,
leaving your child behind.
The soundtrack of the
ticking clock haunting me,
counting the remaining
hours of the night.
Mama.
[Horn sounds]
[Alex] I could have arranged
to have this apartment
cleaned out before
I even got here.
All it takes is
one phone call...
but now I'm stalking
my childhood days
like a tormented boy
instead of getting rid of all
the clutter in cardboard boxes.
Did you know I would
return here eventually?
I can start with
uncovering the past.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Chair thuds softly]
[Alex] Look at you...
spooning your meal.
You have no clue who I am.
Your empty gaze strewn
with question marks
and mental debris.
I'm so sorry for you, Mom.
So many nights in bed
alone without anyone to hold.
I will hold you, if you let me.
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
No. We--
we never really
talked about his mother
or his childhood.
He didn't want to.
I did sense there
must have been issues
in his early childhood,
things he couldn't articulate
or--or maybe even remember.
Well, no, as--
as far as I know...
there wasn't one specific event
that triggered
his sudden anxiety...
but deep scars hidden
in the subconscious
eventually find their way out.
And that's exactly
why it makes me sad...
still...
that Alex wasn't able
to--to analyze them
or get them out of his system.
[Clock ticking]
[Whispers] I love you, Alex.
[Singer] Yeah
[Electronic dance music
playing, indistinct vocals]
[Music stops]
[Alex] I thought
I knew who I was...
but now I'm floating
between two worlds.
The human brain is
like a pool of mud.
Everything that falls
into it leaves an imprint.
Bad events leave deeper
traces than good events,
they carry more weight.
And as you grow older,
that mud hardens,
traces fossilize,
and it takes an earthquake
to shake them loose.
[Clock ticking]
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Camera motor whirs]
[Alex] Laura thought my
headaches, stomach pains,
and sleepless nights
were from a bad diet.
So I added a daily
photographic reference
to my diary.
You'd be horrified,
the amount of crap
your system has to cope with--
pounds of sugar, salt,
fats, chemicals, and toxins.
No wonder I'm never hungry...
and everything in my mouth
tastes like clotted wax.
I need to build up my strength
to face my biggest
challenge yet...
to go where I have
dared not enter--
your private sanctuary,
the lair of your dreams.
[Switch clicks]
[Alex] They say you
can't come home again.
But suppose you never left.
After all these years, your
perfume still lingers on
between these walls
like a faded veil...
touching something
deep inside of me
I can't escape.
So much of your life
in front of mirrors.
So much vanity
behind closed doors.
Always making yourself pretty.
[Alex] You wanted to be
an actress on the big stage.
And I was too young to realize
I wasn't your only audience.
Even as a child, I knew
you were gravitating
towards another world,
a world full of neon lights
and obsessions,
secret whispers and
moans of pleasure.
Then you left me alone...
until my dreams
overwhelmed my fears
and the breaking dawn
chased them away.
What images come to mind?
Hmm.
Is there anything else?
[Sighs]
[Alex] How could I
answer that question?
There was absolutely
nothing to talk about.
Well, I knew that he was
seeing a psychiatrist
and--and was on medication,
sleeping pills, antidepressants,
and so on.
But...
I--I just couldn't
reach him anymore.
Well, he didn't talk to me.
I thought he had a
problem with me, but--
what do you do if someone
just doesn't talk
to you anymore?
You know.
In my opinion, no
medication can penetrate
to the roots of such
severe mental illness.
It just numbed his
symptoms and locked him
into an even tighter
mental cage.
[Keys jingling]
[Door creaks]
[Floorboards creaking]
[Distant siren]
[Alex] My family album
full of people I never met.
Ghosts from another century.
Did you know that
this was my magic castle
and secret hideaway?
And what about my
little alter ego?
My only true friend
and confidant.
Who was I trying to imitate?
You?
Or was this intended
for the future me?
Scrubbed of all shame and guilt.
[Projector whirring]
[Laughter]
[Switch clicks]
[Alex] When you look at the
physical remains of your life...
they seem trivial and useless.
Combs and brushes,
the putrid smell of
perfume and alcohol,
woven into a filthy toothbrush.
Eyeliner, bottles,
and scented powder.
All that's left of you.
There's one last journey
your costume has to endure
before it vanishes
in the dustbin forever.
[Bag rustles]
[Switch clicks]
[Electricity buzzing]
[Singer]
Now I come
Before you
Moving through this tomb
Of vapor and perfume
And fog-filled rooms
Silent compass
Anger at dawn
Locked down in the harness
Drawn away from the low
The voice is barking
Of nausea and fear
An unholy jargon
In the judgment seat
This knowledge that despite
The angel you assume
Commander alibi
I'll surrender to the fume
It's all flesh
And fleshed out
and forgotten now
I'll go away back to you
[Moaning]
[Singer] I'll go away
back through your love
[Moaning continues]
I'll go away back to you
I'll go away back
through your love
[Panting]
[Singer]
Better sing
A money tune
Light a cigarette
Raise the roof
above this ruin
As the song repents
Order of the underground
As the sewer runs clear
Stretch your skin
in front of me
Unto every other year
But now I come for you
I come for your womb
For your vapors
and your perfume
For your fog-filled rooms
For your borrowed compass
For the body you adorn...
You know, first
of all, my life--
my life is so different,
I mean in contrast to Alex.
For me, everything was
always easy and effortless.
I loved going to university.
I--I have a caring
and loving family.
I enjoy being a teacher.
And basically--basically,
I'm--I'm--I'm happy.
And I guess that's exactly
why I just didn't recognize
the first signs and wasn't aware
of the seriousness
of the situation.
And...
I wasn't prepared
for what was coming.
Yeah.
It was very painful
to see him slide away
and...get pulled
into that dark abyss
of nightmares
and hallucinations...
from which he couldn't escape.
[Switch clicks]
[Switch clicks, door creaks]
[Switch clicks]
[Grunts]
[Alex] I can't shed my mind,
but I can shed my skin,
like the butcher
skins the rabbit.
All I need is a clean cut...
a clean break...
[Shaver buzzing]
[Alex] everything
reshaped by the blade.
Years of shame and guilt...
self-neglect, uncertainty
shaved off just like that.
[Alex] It takes
a surprisingly short time
to disengage from the past.
Maybe my true self lies
beyond all boundaries
of sex and gender.
Maybe it always has,
and I never really knew.
[Clock ticking]
[Wind chimes clinking]
Good morning.
Want to trade this in.
Trade in for what?
The gun.
[Man] Nine-millimeter Firestar.
[Alex] Whatever.
Got ammunition?
No.
Uh-huh.
[Door opens]
[Wind chimes jingling]
[Sighs]
[Alex] I finally have to
stop eating all that crap
and become healthy again.
[Panting]
A healthy mind and
a powerful body.
I have to keep my focus straight
and switch all my
senses to full alert.
[Pistol is armed]
[Fires pistol]
[Lucy laughs]
[Alex] I could have
been a father,
a daddy with a little girl.
I kind of like that.
Here.
[Laura] Lucy.
[Lucy] Thank you.
Lucy. Come on.
[Scoffs]
[Alex] Then again, maybe not.
How many truths are
hiding in the dark?
Why do I feel a great relief
in slipping into my other self?
This is also part
of God's creation.
Or maybe God is nothing
but a magician...
dividing night from
day, pain from joy,
innocence from evil.
And what if all that
no longer mattered...
and I'm God's lonely soul?
The naked rabbit in the hat.
Now you see me.
Now you don't.
[Doorbell rings]
[Rings]
[Alex] And every now and then,
unexpected visitors
creep into my new life...
Oh.
[Alex] ...trying
to divert my path.
Alex.
[Alex] How could she
ever understand?
But...
[Alex] Poor Laura.
I pick up your trail, Mama.
And my journey into the
night has just begun.
[Clock ticking]
[Indistinct chatter]
[Electronic dance music playing]
[Singer] It's like I'm
falling for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't
wanna see me...
[Laughter]
Hey, you want a drink?
Hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Bartender] Okay.
[Man] There's one for you.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Man 1] Hi, darling.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Man 2] I love your hair.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Ou la la. Ou la la.
Mwah. Mwah.
[Man 3] Oh, a bit feisty.
-What the--Gerda!
[Empty pistol clicks]
Oh, no, no. Oh, no.
[Man moans]
-Get out. Get him out.
Move him. Move him!
[Man 1] Jesus. He's insane.
Can't you see that?
Get the fuck out.
And stay out.
[Door closes]
[Woman moaning]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, shit.
[Woman] Oh, yeah.
Oh, ohh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Fuck me.
Oh, yeah.
[Moaning]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, yeah.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Electronic dance music playing]
[Women cheering]
[Women laugh softly]
[Laughter continues]
[Singer] I had it all wrong
Had it all wrong
Didn't know there
could be more to love
Oh, I was so wrong
I was so wrong
Didn't know
there could be more
Till your love
came to my rescue
You gently took my hand
I have my plan, but
when I kissed you
I knew you had my heart
Baby, your love
[Echoing]
Your love
Baby, your love
[Echoing]
Your love
[Door closes]
[Locks stall door]
[Belt clanks]
[Moaning]
[Groaning]
[Panting]
[Belt clanks]
[Door closes]
[Alex] Life begins
and ends in bed.
And we are born and die alone.
[Sighs]
[Alex] Oh, Mama.
What were we ever
but a solitary pair of moths
destined for a secret flame...
the last votive flickering
in an empty church?
You carried me in your womb
as I carry you in my heart.
I forgive you, Mama...
and I hope you can forgive me.
[Air brakes hiss]
Hey. You all right, love?
[Gasps]
Oh.
[Object clanks]
[Crossing signal
clicking rapidly]
[Clicking slowly]
[Clock ticking]
[Groans]
[Laura] I still remember
this unnerving dream.
I was lying on the
shores of a big lake.
Alex was there with me,
the sun was shining,
and it was beautiful and warm.
Suddenly, he
climbed on a rock...
waved at me, and smiled
and jumped into the water.
As soon as he disappeared
underwater, this--
that water froze to solid ice.
I ran into the ice
in panic, barefoot,
and saw him down
there in the dark,
desperately trying to break
the ice and--and get back up.
And I'm pressing
my hands on the ice.
I'm trying to melt
it with my hands.
Those big, dark eyes
staring at me from below.
The desperation
still haunts me...
to this day.
[Cart clacking]
[Indistinct chatter]
[Man] Dear customers, our shop
will be closing in 15 minutes.
Please proceed to
the checkout counter.
Alex, for God's sake.
Alex, why are you not
answering my calls?
I--I was worried about you.
Please. I wanna--
I'll be back tonight.
[Footsteps ascending stairs]
[Sighs]
Isn't it ironic?
The more we try to
work against fate,
the more destiny repeats itself
from generation to generation.
But love conquers all, right?
At least that's what they say.
[Door rattles shut]
[Alex sighs]
Why?
Why me?
Why?
[Sobbing softly]
Why?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[Cries]
Why me?
Please, why me?
Oh, God.
Help.
Help me.
Please.
Please help me.
Help me.
[Crying]
Oh, God.
[Ding]
[Ding]
[Alex] I knew God
could not help me.
Not now.
I was too far upstream...
reaching for that deep,
dark pool of my beginnings,
as far back as into your womb.
[Breathing slowly]
[Buzzing]
[Hissing]
[Muffled shout]
Alex, let me--
let me in.
Alex, open up. Alex!
Alex, open--open up.
Alex, open up.
Alex!
Alex, open up!
Alex! Please open the door!
[Hissing]
[No audio]
Alex!
[Sighs]
[Knife whooshes]
[Gasping]
[Paramedic 1] Watch the step.
[Paramedic 2] I got it.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Paramedic 2] All right.
[Machine whirring]
[ECG monitor beeping]
[Alex breathing heavily]
[Paramedic 1] In.
[Breathing heavily]
Thanks. I'm okay.
You just saved my life.
[Beeping]
[Paramedic]
You're gonna be okay.
[Siren]
[Laura] Oh, yeah.
[Alex] I had the rare privilege
of having begun life twice.
[Laura speaking indistinctly]
[Laura laughs]
[Alex] And I
finally found peace.
Yeah.
[Indistinct conversation]
[Alex] It doesn't really matter
who you are or choose to be...
as long as you are
true to yourself.
I turned my world upside down,
only to find a more complete
self at the other end.
God gave us the ability to
love, forgive, and change.
That's what makes us human.
Nothing else matters,
not in the end.
[Singer] Been falling
for you knee-deep
I'm losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
[Vocalizing]
'Cause I've been falling
for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
'Cause I've been falling
for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
[Singer] 'Cause I've been
falling for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
[Vocalizing]
'Cause I've been falling
for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
'Cause I've been falling
for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
[Wind blowing]
[Tying on typewriter]
[Carriage clanks]
[Electronic dance music]
[Music fades]
[Alex] I have the rare privilege
of having begun life twice.
But do any of us really know
where the journey of
life will take us?
I know nothing in this
snow-covered mountain valley
prepared me for the events
that would follow.
A teacher's life
is all about order,
and I needed a ritual
to protect me
from the chaos in my mind.
Everything would fall
apart if I stopped.
I loved my pupils.
So much innocence and promise.
And liquid water
heats up by the sun,
evaporates, condenses
to form clouds
and falls back to
earth as rain or snow.
Our plants and forests suck up
the liquid in order to grow.
Okay?
I filled their minds with facts,
with the basics
of maths and grammar,
the capitals of Europe...
not knowing what paths
their lives would take.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Door opens]
[Kid 1] I'm gonna get my coat.
-Come on.
-Let's go.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Kids chattering]
[Keys jingle]
[Alex] Maybe keeping a diary
will bring freedom and peace...
help me to sort things out.
I can't stand the noise,
the clutter in my mind.
Even in the quiet
of this village,
it finds me hiding like
a turtle in his shell.
Why do I live alone
when I could share
my life with Laura?
I'm stuck like a
hamster in his wheel,
endlessly spinning
but going nowhere.
And then that dark hour
arrives that I dread.
Night follows the day.
It always does.
And the creatures of the
night know where to find me.
They always do.
[Bell tolling]
[Laura] Alex.
Hi.
Are you okay? You've
been acting so weird.
I'm fine.
Alex, what's up?
I don't know.
How about you and me
having dinner tonight?
[Breathes deeply]
[Ringtone]
Wait a sec.
Oh.
Hello.
[Atty. Marwick]
Hello, Mr. Darkley.
Is this a good time?
-Yeah...Okay.
Ugh, for God's sake.
[Door closes]
I'm sure Alex was actually
really happy back then.
[Sighs] He enjoyed
living in the countryside,
having all that nature
and open space around him,
not like in the city
where he grew up.
He'd love to go
running along the lake
and through the woods
as often as possible.
[Snorts]
My God,
also late at night or
early in the morning
when no one else was around.
No. But, um, later...
yeah, that's when he began
to change, last winter.
He seemed introverted,
didn't talk much,
just wanted to be left alone.
And he started having
difficulties communicating
with people outside
his daily routine--
people he thought
he couldn't trust,
like the parents of his pupils.
And that's a real problem
when you're a schoolteacher
in a small village.
[Train rumbling]
[Car horns honking]
[Alex] Sometimes a phone call
can change your life
without you realizing it.
And when it's a
lawyer calling...
[Doorbell rings]
you know you're
heading for trouble.
Well, Mr. Darkley, can I be
perfectly honest with you?
Yeah.
Maybe you know that the
condition of your mother
has been deteriorating
over the past few months.
She will most likely
never be able
to leave the hospital again.
Okay.
And as her lawyer, it
is my duty to tell you
that all her savings are gone
and that the bank
closed the bank accounts.
[Alex sighs]
As her sole descendant,
you are obliged to take care
of her financial affairs.
Which means, uh, I also have
to vacate her apartment?
That's exactly
what I tried to say.
And when do you think, uh...
As soon as possible.
We have no choice.
So that's the situation.
[Alex sighs]
[Keys jingling]
[Chandelier clinking]
[Clock ticking]
[Alex] Remarkable.
[Chuckles]
It's all here.
Frozen in amber,
a crypt for a bewildered child
waiting for my return.
Once we laughed
in here, we cried,
you and I.
We celebrated Christmas and
every one of my birthdays,
sang songs, and danced for joy.
You were never gonna come home.
I was the one who
needed to come home.
[Alex] I feel like
I'm underwater...
swimming upstream like a
salmon against the current...
floating towards the sun,
fighting so hard to reach
the place I was born.
[Clock ticking]
[Sighs]
[Alex] Strange.
It's all black and
white in my memory now,
no color at all...
save one...
the red color of your dress.
[Water dripping]
[Alex] Where did you go
when I was looking for you
in the middle of the night?
So many nights,
leaving your child behind.
The soundtrack of the
ticking clock haunting me,
counting the remaining
hours of the night.
Mama.
[Horn sounds]
[Alex] I could have arranged
to have this apartment
cleaned out before
I even got here.
All it takes is
one phone call...
but now I'm stalking
my childhood days
like a tormented boy
instead of getting rid of all
the clutter in cardboard boxes.
Did you know I would
return here eventually?
I can start with
uncovering the past.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Chair thuds softly]
[Alex] Look at you...
spooning your meal.
You have no clue who I am.
Your empty gaze strewn
with question marks
and mental debris.
I'm so sorry for you, Mom.
So many nights in bed
alone without anyone to hold.
I will hold you, if you let me.
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
No. We--
we never really
talked about his mother
or his childhood.
He didn't want to.
I did sense there
must have been issues
in his early childhood,
things he couldn't articulate
or--or maybe even remember.
Well, no, as--
as far as I know...
there wasn't one specific event
that triggered
his sudden anxiety...
but deep scars hidden
in the subconscious
eventually find their way out.
And that's exactly
why it makes me sad...
still...
that Alex wasn't able
to--to analyze them
or get them out of his system.
[Clock ticking]
[Whispers] I love you, Alex.
[Singer] Yeah
[Electronic dance music
playing, indistinct vocals]
[Music stops]
[Alex] I thought
I knew who I was...
but now I'm floating
between two worlds.
The human brain is
like a pool of mud.
Everything that falls
into it leaves an imprint.
Bad events leave deeper
traces than good events,
they carry more weight.
And as you grow older,
that mud hardens,
traces fossilize,
and it takes an earthquake
to shake them loose.
[Clock ticking]
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Camera motor whirs]
[Alex] Laura thought my
headaches, stomach pains,
and sleepless nights
were from a bad diet.
So I added a daily
photographic reference
to my diary.
You'd be horrified,
the amount of crap
your system has to cope with--
pounds of sugar, salt,
fats, chemicals, and toxins.
No wonder I'm never hungry...
and everything in my mouth
tastes like clotted wax.
I need to build up my strength
to face my biggest
challenge yet...
to go where I have
dared not enter--
your private sanctuary,
the lair of your dreams.
[Switch clicks]
[Alex] They say you
can't come home again.
But suppose you never left.
After all these years, your
perfume still lingers on
between these walls
like a faded veil...
touching something
deep inside of me
I can't escape.
So much of your life
in front of mirrors.
So much vanity
behind closed doors.
Always making yourself pretty.
[Alex] You wanted to be
an actress on the big stage.
And I was too young to realize
I wasn't your only audience.
Even as a child, I knew
you were gravitating
towards another world,
a world full of neon lights
and obsessions,
secret whispers and
moans of pleasure.
Then you left me alone...
until my dreams
overwhelmed my fears
and the breaking dawn
chased them away.
What images come to mind?
Hmm.
Is there anything else?
[Sighs]
[Alex] How could I
answer that question?
There was absolutely
nothing to talk about.
Well, I knew that he was
seeing a psychiatrist
and--and was on medication,
sleeping pills, antidepressants,
and so on.
But...
I--I just couldn't
reach him anymore.
Well, he didn't talk to me.
I thought he had a
problem with me, but--
what do you do if someone
just doesn't talk
to you anymore?
You know.
In my opinion, no
medication can penetrate
to the roots of such
severe mental illness.
It just numbed his
symptoms and locked him
into an even tighter
mental cage.
[Keys jingling]
[Door creaks]
[Floorboards creaking]
[Distant siren]
[Alex] My family album
full of people I never met.
Ghosts from another century.
Did you know that
this was my magic castle
and secret hideaway?
And what about my
little alter ego?
My only true friend
and confidant.
Who was I trying to imitate?
You?
Or was this intended
for the future me?
Scrubbed of all shame and guilt.
[Projector whirring]
[Laughter]
[Switch clicks]
[Alex] When you look at the
physical remains of your life...
they seem trivial and useless.
Combs and brushes,
the putrid smell of
perfume and alcohol,
woven into a filthy toothbrush.
Eyeliner, bottles,
and scented powder.
All that's left of you.
There's one last journey
your costume has to endure
before it vanishes
in the dustbin forever.
[Bag rustles]
[Switch clicks]
[Electricity buzzing]
[Singer]
Now I come
Before you
Moving through this tomb
Of vapor and perfume
And fog-filled rooms
Silent compass
Anger at dawn
Locked down in the harness
Drawn away from the low
The voice is barking
Of nausea and fear
An unholy jargon
In the judgment seat
This knowledge that despite
The angel you assume
Commander alibi
I'll surrender to the fume
It's all flesh
And fleshed out
and forgotten now
I'll go away back to you
[Moaning]
[Singer] I'll go away
back through your love
[Moaning continues]
I'll go away back to you
I'll go away back
through your love
[Panting]
[Singer]
Better sing
A money tune
Light a cigarette
Raise the roof
above this ruin
As the song repents
Order of the underground
As the sewer runs clear
Stretch your skin
in front of me
Unto every other year
But now I come for you
I come for your womb
For your vapors
and your perfume
For your fog-filled rooms
For your borrowed compass
For the body you adorn...
You know, first
of all, my life--
my life is so different,
I mean in contrast to Alex.
For me, everything was
always easy and effortless.
I loved going to university.
I--I have a caring
and loving family.
I enjoy being a teacher.
And basically--basically,
I'm--I'm--I'm happy.
And I guess that's exactly
why I just didn't recognize
the first signs and wasn't aware
of the seriousness
of the situation.
And...
I wasn't prepared
for what was coming.
Yeah.
It was very painful
to see him slide away
and...get pulled
into that dark abyss
of nightmares
and hallucinations...
from which he couldn't escape.
[Switch clicks]
[Switch clicks, door creaks]
[Switch clicks]
[Grunts]
[Alex] I can't shed my mind,
but I can shed my skin,
like the butcher
skins the rabbit.
All I need is a clean cut...
a clean break...
[Shaver buzzing]
[Alex] everything
reshaped by the blade.
Years of shame and guilt...
self-neglect, uncertainty
shaved off just like that.
[Alex] It takes
a surprisingly short time
to disengage from the past.
Maybe my true self lies
beyond all boundaries
of sex and gender.
Maybe it always has,
and I never really knew.
[Clock ticking]
[Wind chimes clinking]
Good morning.
Want to trade this in.
Trade in for what?
The gun.
[Man] Nine-millimeter Firestar.
[Alex] Whatever.
Got ammunition?
No.
Uh-huh.
[Door opens]
[Wind chimes jingling]
[Sighs]
[Alex] I finally have to
stop eating all that crap
and become healthy again.
[Panting]
A healthy mind and
a powerful body.
I have to keep my focus straight
and switch all my
senses to full alert.
[Pistol is armed]
[Fires pistol]
[Lucy laughs]
[Alex] I could have
been a father,
a daddy with a little girl.
I kind of like that.
Here.
[Laura] Lucy.
[Lucy] Thank you.
Lucy. Come on.
[Scoffs]
[Alex] Then again, maybe not.
How many truths are
hiding in the dark?
Why do I feel a great relief
in slipping into my other self?
This is also part
of God's creation.
Or maybe God is nothing
but a magician...
dividing night from
day, pain from joy,
innocence from evil.
And what if all that
no longer mattered...
and I'm God's lonely soul?
The naked rabbit in the hat.
Now you see me.
Now you don't.
[Doorbell rings]
[Rings]
[Alex] And every now and then,
unexpected visitors
creep into my new life...
Oh.
[Alex] ...trying
to divert my path.
Alex.
[Alex] How could she
ever understand?
But...
[Alex] Poor Laura.
I pick up your trail, Mama.
And my journey into the
night has just begun.
[Clock ticking]
[Indistinct chatter]
[Electronic dance music playing]
[Singer] It's like I'm
falling for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't
wanna see me...
[Laughter]
Hey, you want a drink?
Hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Bartender] Okay.
[Man] There's one for you.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Man 1] Hi, darling.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Man 2] I love your hair.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Ou la la. Ou la la.
Mwah. Mwah.
[Man 3] Oh, a bit feisty.
-What the--Gerda!
[Empty pistol clicks]
Oh, no, no. Oh, no.
[Man moans]
-Get out. Get him out.
Move him. Move him!
[Man 1] Jesus. He's insane.
Can't you see that?
Get the fuck out.
And stay out.
[Door closes]
[Woman moaning]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, shit.
[Woman] Oh, yeah.
Oh, ohh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Fuck me.
Oh, yeah.
[Moaning]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, yeah.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Electronic dance music playing]
[Women cheering]
[Women laugh softly]
[Laughter continues]
[Singer] I had it all wrong
Had it all wrong
Didn't know there
could be more to love
Oh, I was so wrong
I was so wrong
Didn't know
there could be more
Till your love
came to my rescue
You gently took my hand
I have my plan, but
when I kissed you
I knew you had my heart
Baby, your love
[Echoing]
Your love
Baby, your love
[Echoing]
Your love
[Door closes]
[Locks stall door]
[Belt clanks]
[Moaning]
[Groaning]
[Panting]
[Belt clanks]
[Door closes]
[Alex] Life begins
and ends in bed.
And we are born and die alone.
[Sighs]
[Alex] Oh, Mama.
What were we ever
but a solitary pair of moths
destined for a secret flame...
the last votive flickering
in an empty church?
You carried me in your womb
as I carry you in my heart.
I forgive you, Mama...
and I hope you can forgive me.
[Air brakes hiss]
Hey. You all right, love?
[Gasps]
Oh.
[Object clanks]
[Crossing signal
clicking rapidly]
[Clicking slowly]
[Clock ticking]
[Groans]
[Laura] I still remember
this unnerving dream.
I was lying on the
shores of a big lake.
Alex was there with me,
the sun was shining,
and it was beautiful and warm.
Suddenly, he
climbed on a rock...
waved at me, and smiled
and jumped into the water.
As soon as he disappeared
underwater, this--
that water froze to solid ice.
I ran into the ice
in panic, barefoot,
and saw him down
there in the dark,
desperately trying to break
the ice and--and get back up.
And I'm pressing
my hands on the ice.
I'm trying to melt
it with my hands.
Those big, dark eyes
staring at me from below.
The desperation
still haunts me...
to this day.
[Cart clacking]
[Indistinct chatter]
[Man] Dear customers, our shop
will be closing in 15 minutes.
Please proceed to
the checkout counter.
Alex, for God's sake.
Alex, why are you not
answering my calls?
I--I was worried about you.
Please. I wanna--
I'll be back tonight.
[Footsteps ascending stairs]
[Sighs]
Isn't it ironic?
The more we try to
work against fate,
the more destiny repeats itself
from generation to generation.
But love conquers all, right?
At least that's what they say.
[Door rattles shut]
[Alex sighs]
Why?
Why me?
Why?
[Sobbing softly]
Why?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[Cries]
Why me?
Please, why me?
Oh, God.
Help.
Help me.
Please.
Please help me.
Help me.
[Crying]
Oh, God.
[Ding]
[Ding]
[Alex] I knew God
could not help me.
Not now.
I was too far upstream...
reaching for that deep,
dark pool of my beginnings,
as far back as into your womb.
[Breathing slowly]
[Buzzing]
[Hissing]
[Muffled shout]
Alex, let me--
let me in.
Alex, open up. Alex!
Alex, open--open up.
Alex, open up.
Alex!
Alex, open up!
Alex! Please open the door!
[Hissing]
[No audio]
Alex!
[Sighs]
[Knife whooshes]
[Gasping]
[Paramedic 1] Watch the step.
[Paramedic 2] I got it.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Paramedic 2] All right.
[Machine whirring]
[ECG monitor beeping]
[Alex breathing heavily]
[Paramedic 1] In.
[Breathing heavily]
Thanks. I'm okay.
You just saved my life.
[Beeping]
[Paramedic]
You're gonna be okay.
[Siren]
[Laura] Oh, yeah.
[Alex] I had the rare privilege
of having begun life twice.
[Laura speaking indistinctly]
[Laura laughs]
[Alex] And I
finally found peace.
Yeah.
[Indistinct conversation]
[Alex] It doesn't really matter
who you are or choose to be...
as long as you are
true to yourself.
I turned my world upside down,
only to find a more complete
self at the other end.
God gave us the ability to
love, forgive, and change.
That's what makes us human.
Nothing else matters,
not in the end.
[Singer] Been falling
for you knee-deep
I'm losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
[Vocalizing]
'Cause I've been falling
for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
'Cause I've been falling
for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
[Singer] 'Cause I've been
falling for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
[Vocalizing]
'Cause I've been falling
for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend
'Cause I've been falling
for you knee-deep
Been losing my mind
But you don't wanna see me
You're playing pretend