Dick Figures: The Movie (2013) Movie Script

This is a story about
stick figures who live
in a world full of monsters and
explosions and raccoons
and a lot of other
cool stuff too.
And it all takes place
on a little planet we
like to call Earth.
There it is.
- Fart.
- Who the fuck cares?
- I can't
wait for lunch.
- Oh, my god.
Do you think there are going to
be boys at this school or
- Ew!
Boys have cooties.
- Audios, assholes.
I'm late for a rave.
- Uh-uh.
Oh, no!
Not the Explosion Factory!
- Where'd you learn to walk--
cripple school?
- If you're happy
and you know it, clap
your hands.
my butt losers.
- Hey, bitch.
You want a pixie stick?
- My mom says those turn
you into a whore.
- Probably!
- Oh hello, Blue!
- Hey, Lord Tourettes.
- Wow!
First day of class?
- Yeah.
- Splendid!
Mine as well!
Say, there's a young jerk
face looking for you.
Says he wants to beat your
back until you die.
Well, ta-ta.
Ha ha ha!
- Wee.
- Sup, bro.
You new here or what?
- Uh, yeah.
First day.
- Must be 'cause otherwise you'd
know that this seesaw's
for fifth graders.
- Uh, uh, uh, sorry.
I didn't know.
- Yeah?
Price for playing on the
fifth grade playground
is your milk money.
- But I'm lactose intolerant.
- Really?
Well let's see if you're
fist-tose intolerant.
- What's the matter, blue kid?
- My mom says I drink
too much water.
That's how come I cry
so much and pee.
- Gross!
- You know, I got held
back five years,
but my muscles didn't.
Old MacDonald had a farm, now
you're going to die, nerd!
- Huh?
What is that?
- Wow.
- Look, it's an asteroid!
- Uh.
- Sup?
- Huh?
- Oh, my god!
Who is that?
- It's a new kid!
Get him!
- Oh, my god.
You're so sexy.
- I know.
- Dude, you saved my life!
- I know.
- What's your name?
- I know.
Uh, I mean, I'm Red.
- My name is Blue.
No matter what happens,
I promise I will
always be your friend.
- I know cuz I'm awesome!
- Gelato.
Mama mia!
on, Blue, please.
I'm not
going to tell you.
please, please.
- No way.
I got you the greatest birthday
present of all time.
I'm not going to spoil
the surprise.
- You're such a jerk.
- Ah!
Oh, my god!
- Wow!
You a jerk and a wuss.
- No.
- All right you pussy.
I got to go to work.
See you later, Blue.
I'll call you tonight.
- Okay, smoopsie poo-poo pie.
- I can't wait to see what you
get me for my birthday.
- Hey, toots!
- Go to hell, Red.
- Okay!
See you there!
- Ahh.
- Dude, this place is a dump.
- You know where there
is a dump?
Your bed.
Ha ha ha!
- God dammit, dude.
Not again.
Use the toilet!
- Gelatto.
- Huh!
Mr. Dingleberry.
- You haven't paid rent
in eight months.
- Oh, my god.
You're right.
Here, let me get my checkbook.
I'll just wait right here.
- Gelato.
- Expired, expired,
rotten, poison.
- Dude, you've been playing
that first
level for three hours.
Can you really not
make that jump?
- I can make it.
I just hate that little guy.
- Ow.
Momma mia!
- Move over.
I've got a degree in advanced
joystick theory and I ain't
afraid to use it.
- Yeah, I heard you practicing
last night.
- Uh, Olivia.
Oh, Mon.
You do it for me every time.
There, done with hand crocheted
towel of Olivia Mon.
Time to jack off.
Let me show you how this
shit's done, son.
- What the fuck?
Who took the lights?
- I mean, we haven't paid the
electricity bill in seven
- We pay for electricity?
- You don't!
I do.
- Wait!
All of our food's
going to go bad!
- All of our food is bad!
- Can't let precious
foods go to waste.
- Dude, you know that's
all expired?
- I don't care!
- Oh, god.
Not the milk!
- I'll keep you safe in
my belly, cow juice.
I think I'm gonna vom.
- Hey, listen.
I, I got a big problem.
I totally just lied to Pink.
- Ahh.
- Her birthday's next week and
I told her I got her the
greatest gift of all time, but
I didn't get her anything!
- Give her this mayonnaise jar.
- No.
Come on.
You know what girls
like, right?
What should I get her?
- Hey, you should go
see the raccoon--
- See who?
- The vac--
- What are you trying to say?
- I can only say so many
words before I--
- The raccoon!
- Oh.
- He's got the coolest stuff.
- Yesh!
I don't know if I should
get my girlfriend a
gift in the pawn shop.
- You should get her
this cool hat!
- Yeah, try it on.
- So, you want a
gift for your girlfriend, hey?
- Whoa.
How'd you know?
- You
talk very loud.
Fits perfect!
- Did you touch
that fucking bear trap?
- No.
- Um.
So me and my girlfriend have
been dating a long time and I
want to get her something
super romantic.
- I've got the
perfect gift for you.
But first, a story.
- People stories.
- A long time ago
in ancient Japan my country
was at war.
My small village was
all that was left.
Knowing I may die in battle,
I gave my wife a symbol of
undying love, a lotus ower.
Armed with the weapon of my
ancestors, the Great Sword of
Destiny, I'd have to
confront my fate.
But the mighty beast, Ocho
Muerto, emerged from the sea
and took my wife.
I was too late.
In my rage, I fought the
Tachigami Demon Army and slew
ten hundred thousand
hundred warriors.
Honorably, all that remain was
Armor Tachigami himself.
Though he shattered the bread
and scattered it to the wind,
as he lay dying he said
to me, fuck you.
He was a douche bag.
- You may have won the battle,
raccoon, but the ghosts of my
warriors will haunt the Great
Sword of Destiny forever!
- And with that he
died, but his curse remains
guarding the sword against any
who may seek to use it's great
power again.
But the power of the bread was
too strong, even for me.
And in the fury of battle, I
found I destroyed not only the
Tachigami Demon Army,
but all of Japan!
Dishonored, my kinsmen banished
me from my home never
again to return.
I was bored by my own story.
- Wait!
So where's the sword?
- There is only
one left alive who knows.
- Hold up.
Why the hell would I
give Pink a sword?
This is retarded.
- No!
Bring me the sword and in
return, I shall give you the
greatest gift a girl--
A woman--
Agoddess could hope
to ever receive.
- Is it a dick?
- Yes.
- Ha.
- No.
Ha, ha, ha!
You're very gullible.
- Well, who even knows
where it still is?
- You must find
the man who considers me his
greatest enemy, my
son, Son Sun.
- Nope.
You're weird.
I'm just going to go buy
her some flowers.
- Shit, I'll find that sword.
This sounds awesome.
- What?
- Yeah, man.
It's a 10,000-year-old sword
hidden in Japan guarded by
demon ninjas.
That's the most awesome thing
I've ever heard of!
- Dude, you're going to get
yourself killed going after
that thing.
- Maybe.
But at least I'm not
a god damn Pussy!
- I'm not a pussy!
- You are a pussy
with a capital vagina!
I told you about the bread
because I thought you would
have the courage to do something
- Yeah, right.
All he does all day
is sit in his room
playing with his joystick.
He'd totally get killed.
Have fun staying home, man!
I'll send you a post card.
- Ahh.
This was a mistake.
Only a true hero could find the
great sword of destiny.
But I can see now,
it is not you.
- You're wrong.
- on?
- Yeah.
I'm going to find the shit
out of that sword.
- It's going
to be very dangerous.
- Good, pussy's hate danger
and I'm not a pussy.
Give me that!
- Aw, yeah!
Time to get our quest on!
Maybe I was wrong.
This is pretty scary.
- Seriously?
Do you want to get Pink
a sick present or not?
Okay, okay, okay.
Let's go.
- Aw, yeah.
Follow my lead.
Oh, crap.
There's guards.
- What do we do?
- Cartwheel.
- Cartwheel?
- Ah.
- Holy shit!
Did you see that?
- Uh, no.
- Me neither.
- Shew.
- Hey, you hiding behind
those crates!
- Cartwheel, dude!
- Huh.
Where'd he go?
- Damn cartwheels every time.
- Woo.
See, how would you have
any fun without me?
- Reading is fun.
- Your mom's fun.
Ha, ha, ha.
Now let's find ourselves
a boat.
- How about this one?
It's perfect.
- Dude, let's just
get on that one.
- No way!
Have you seen how awesome
this thing is?
The guns have guns.
- This one's got boobs
and beer.
- Boobs and beer!
- I'm going to regret this.
- Holt, bro.
This booze cruise is for
college house dudes and
dudettes only!
Oh, holy shit!
You're that freshman
15 dude, dude.
Didn't you, like, nail 15
freshman chicks in, like, one
- Naked party!
- Here we go!
Oh, shit!
That's, like, four!
- Fuck my life!
- Oh, yeah.
That was back in my
college years.
Can't believe this, only 15.
- Yes, bro.
That what I'm talking about!
Dude, welcome aboard
bro dude bro.
Keg's on the poop deck, babes
on the port side.
Watch out for Neptune.
- Mm.
Party foul!
- Whoa!
Titties, here I come!
- Oh, wow.
That was away easy.
- Halt, bro!
This party train's sailing for
Port Cool so consider yourself
the third wheel.
- Wait.
But I thought we were cool?
- You thought thinking
was cool?
- What the hell?
- Sorry, dude!
Should have banged more
freshmen chicks!
- How the fuck am I going
to get to Japan?
- Take your car, Stupid!
- Hey!
We only have room for
one more pallet!
- Should we load the beer
or the life vests?
- Load the beer!
No regrets!
- No regrets!
- Let's get this party started.
Captain DJ, make that
anchor drop.
And so Red and Blue
took a booze cruise across the
ocean blue, but they were
attacked by pirates and they
were all beheaded!
Just kidding.
They all got sea scurvy and
died out of their butts.
These are all lies.
Unfortunately, they
made it to Japan.
But pirates sounded pretty
cool, right?
All right.
Here's Japan.
- Whoa!
All right!
- Dude, this place
is so racist.
pay phone,
- You ladies want to
sumo wrestle?
- I'm gonna die here.
- See ya, dudes!
No regrets!
- No regrets, dudes!
- Aw, so happy.
- I am so angry!
- I'm in danger of failing out
of Ninja Video Game Academy.
I'm in love with him.
- Fuck you.
- Why do the koi
fish cr- cr- cry?
Why do the koi fish
die, die, die?
- Uh.
This place is too
cartoony for me.
- Why do the koi fish
cry, cry, cry?
Da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, dead.
- Oh, sick!
- This this some crunchy
ass rice.
- Red, that's a bowl of
tiny cell phones.
- I've had a lot of painful
poops, but this is
gonna be a bad one.
- Yeah.
Good luck with that.
- Oh.
You need the directions?
- Oh yeah.
That would be great.
{Speaking japanese]
- Um.
We're trying to get to
this restaurant.
Do you know it?
- Ha.
- Are you okay?
{Speaking japanese]
- What is wrong with her face?
{Speaking japanese]
- Mm.
You are extremely unhelpful.
{Speaking japanese]
- Oh, my god.
All those animes were
- Ah.
That sushi restaurant
better be close.
I'm hungry for some
more cell phones.
- Dude, I think we're here.
- How are we going to know
what the racoon's
kid even looks like?
- Please,
have a seat.
- Huh.
Guess he's not here.
- Can
I help you?
{Speaking japanese]
- We, uh--
we've traveled a long way
to find this village.
Do you know the raccoon?
- The raccoon?
I hate that guy.
His voice sounds so stupid,
right, guys?
- Ha, ha, ha.
Eat your noodles.
- I don't want
to eat my noodles!
- I am Son Sun,
son of Papa Sun, the one you
call the raccoon.
- What?
- This is my wife,
Wife Sun, and my son,
Grand Son Sun.
- Huh.
Raccoon looks nothing
like his family.
- A family he
abandoned when he dishonored
the mighty Japan with the
Greatest Sword of Destiny.
It was too powerful for him and
you will never find it!
- Oh, this is some bullshit!
I want some god damn sushi!
- I will cut the
sushi after I cut you!
- Ah!
A spicy seaweed!
- Ahh!
Hot tea!
Fuck you!
I will make you sushi.
- Ah.
- Oh, thank Godzilla.
- I think I like the cell
phones better.
- So the raccoon, uh, Papa Sun,
said that you'd know where to
find the sword.
- I swore an oath
that I would never reveal
the location of the weapon so
it may never fall into his
hands again.
- Oh, no.
It's not for the raccoon.
It's for me.
- Oh.
Well, that's fine.
It's just up at that mountain.
- Whoa!
- Uhh.
Red Sun, you're so fat.
- I had a whole bowl of cell
phones for lunch.
- Ah, that explains it.
- Oh, sick.
- Damn, I bet they got hella
swords in there.
Hey, why you no pay?
Mr. Makasan, you stop!
Very dangerous!
You go no further!
- Sorry, man.
We're kind of getting
our quest on.
- Yeah.
Don't worry about it, pussy.
Getting my quest on, singing
the quest song.
Dude, wait!
- All the
girls are like--
- who's that
brave ass dude?
- It's mother fucking
Red in the Temple of Doom,
boulders, air, roach,
snakes and spiders.
I'm not scared of anything,
not even fire.
A creepy ass castle and a
mountain mask, walking right
inside and I'm kicking
it's ass.
- Aw, a splinter.
This place might be dangerous
after all.
- Whoa.
There it is.
- Man, that little
panda was right.
- Oh, my god.
That's a bad one.
Evasive maneuvers.
- Huh?
It's just the hilt
of the sword!
- The what of the sword?
- It's just the handle!
- That sucks.
- You think?
We came all this way for
the god damn handle!
- Man, this is a cool drawing.
It's got, like, all
three condiments.
- You mean continents?
- Yeah.
Uh, there's squiggle, super
squiggle and America.
- Which one are we are now?
- We're on squiggle!
- So there's two pieces left?
- I guess so.
I don't fucking know.
- Oh, hey, GUYS-
- We are the Tachigami
Demon Army.
Our blades burn like fire and
our fire stings like ice and
our ice is really
fucking cold.
We are cursed to protect the
Great Sword of Destiny from
anyone who seek to use
its might power.
- We don't want to use it.
I-, I just wanted a birthday
present for my girlfriend.
- Then we shall kill her
too because she
will have the sword.
- Uh, wait dude.
Uh, can't we talk about this?
- The only thing we're going to
talk about is, uh, how that
you're about to be!
- Crack this!
This party sucks!
- Run for it!
- Seize their swords!
From our point of view, they
are the villains, not us!
He's supposed to be rational
from our side of the story!
- Dude, that's just cra!
- Stop running your mouth and
start running your legs!
- Why?
Are the cops coming?
- Yes.
- This is all your fault!
I don't know why I ever let
you talk me into this!
- You shut up!
The cops are coming!
- They're not cops!
They're demons!
- Oh.
- Why do demons scare
you less than cops?
- Demons don't have guns.
- I should have never gone
on this stupid quest.
I would have been better off
getting her that bear trap.
- Oh, you mean that sweet hat?
- Red, come on!
- Be very careful with
that dynamite.
It's going to the Explosion
- Ahhh!
- Huh.
Holy crap, we made it.
And we're floating away!
- What you talkin' about?
- I mean, the tides are carrying
us out to sea!
"AW, yea!
Bermuda Triangle,
here we come!
- Well, what are we
going to do?
- I don't know.
But hey, at least
we got sushi.
- Ah!
"See ya, Japan!
You stink crazy!
Row boat trip!
- Would you shut up?
I don't know if you've noticed
or not, but we're in some deep
- Uh, I think it's called
a rowboat.
- That isn't funny!
We're stuck in the middle of the
ocean with only the hilt
of this stupid sword and now
we're going to die out here
and I'm going to miss
Pink's birthday!
- I don't know why you're
doing all this crazy
stuff for her any way.
Who cares?
She's just a girl!
- Well, I love her, okay.
That's why!
- What does that mean?
- Wait, you really don't
know what love means?
Course you don't.
It's this feeling you get
when you see someone.
Deep down inside of you your
heart starts pumping and you
just feel happy all over.
It's the strongest most
wonderful feeling you can have
for someone.
- So you mean a boner?
- Dude, I'm in love all day.
- You are such an idiot!
- I wouldn't do all
this for a boner.
I'd just go online and look
up pictures of your mom.
- Shut up!
I'm doing this because I think
she's in love with me too.
- No way, man.
She likes me.
- What?
- Yeah, dude.
She's always giving me
those dirty looks.
- Because she hates you!
Red, not every girl in
the world thinks
you're cool, hot shit.
- Yeah they do.
Why do you think I beat up
all those bullies back in
- To save my life.
- What?
Dude, I was trying to impress
all those chicks.
- What?
- Yeah, worked pretty good too.
- You've beaten me up,
embarrassed me, screwed my
ex-girlfriends, crapped in my
bed, stolen my shit, eaten my
food and taken my
money for years!
I stayed friends with you this
whole time because for some
reason I actually thought
you were my friend too!
- Wow, you must feel
pretty stupid.
- Fuck you!
You're such an asshole!
I can't believe you
let me think we
were actually friends!
- Well maybe I'd be friends with
you if you weren't such a
god damn loser all the time!
- I'm a loser?
I caught you masturbating
to Animal Planet!
- That was one time!
You're just racist against
- I can't believe I stuck
by your side
for 20 god damn years!
I'm not your friend anymore!
- Good!
I'm not yours!
- Great.
- Awesome!
- Good.
- I'm glad.
- Hey, baby-
This one's for you.
- Oh, my god.
Who is that?
So, what are you doing
after recess?
- Huh?
Holy shit.
Red .
Red, are you dead?
- Naw, man.
Just tannin' my back.
- God damn it.
Where are we?
- We're in paradise, mon!
- No, we're not!
We're on a deserted island!
- We should really sail to
dinner island first.
- No, deserted island--
oh, my god.
- Huh.
Is there a burrito island?
That sounds way better.
- Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
I'm actually going to die.
I'm going to die next to an
asshole and I'll never see
Pink's boobs again.
- Yeah, and I'm getting real
worried this place doesn't
have internet.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, no.
Where's my phone?
Wait, dude!
Didn't you eat a bowl full of
tiny cell phones for lunch?
- Oh. yeah!
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Come on.
- Nope.
- Dude.
- It's not coming out.
- Here, let me try.
- Ow.
Not so hard, asshole.
- How about this?
- Stop it.
Let me just to dial it
with my butt muscles.
- Yup, this is my nightmare.
- It's ringing!
I can't believe I'm
doing this.
If you fart, I'll kill you.
- Careful, if I fart,
I'll kill you.
You've reached Global Rescue
Services, ready to rescue you
wherever you are, especially
if you're stuck
on a deserted island.
- Uh, hello.
Can you hear me? -Well
hello yourself baby.
You can rescue me anytime.
What are you wearing?
What are you doing?
Oh, you know.
Just bored at work.
I get off at 7 if you
want to meet up at
Burrito Island then.
- Oh.
Oh, my god!
- Oh.
I think I broke the phone.
- Ah!
Screw you!
That is it!
- Where are you going?
- Home.
You can finish this god damn
quest on your own.
- I knew you were a pussy!
- This was the stupidest idea.
Stupid lame ass Blue.
That sword is gonna be tight.
Gettin' my beach on,
singing the beach song, hoping
that a crab doesn't
nibble my balls.
- Wow.
This place is paradise.
The sun is so warm.
The water's so clear.
The sand, like diamonds
beneath my feet.
The air smells sweet, like--
- Red, what did you do?
- What?
Oh, that.
- You ruin everything!
- It's not that bad.
- We're going to be
burned alive!
What is that?
- King Kong!
-Is- is that a plane?
- Bees!
- Holy shit!
It is a plane!
Sky demon!
- Ha, ha, ha.
Cheerio old chaps.
Grab a hold!
- Perfectly executed signal
fire old chaps.
Spotted it a fort night away.
Still, damn shame you burned
down Burrito Island.
- That was Burrito Island?
- Maybe it was Boobie Island.
- Who are you?
- You're flying with Captain
Major Lieutenant Crookygrin,
Private First Class Retired.
- You're a pilot?
- And an alcoholic.
1,000 flights, 1,000 crashes,
perfect record.
- Woop.
Wa- Wa- whomp.
Trying to ip us over
you old bitch.
Did I mention I'm blind?
Alcohol blindness.
- Ha ha.
You and me both, brotha.
- Uh, woo.
- Ha ha ha.
- What are you doing ying
all the way out here?
- On my way to Gay Paris.
I'm meeting an old friend from
the war, Colonel Dingleberry.
- Mr. Dingleberry?
- He was a private
when I knew him.
Haven't seen him since D-Day,
or Dingle Day as he
liked to call it.
Ha ho.
We are on a top secret mission
to stop two blokes from
finding the Great Sword
of Destiny.
- Uh, what two blokes?
- Oh. the dossier said their
names were, what
was it, Red and Blue.
- Say, tell an old blind
man your names.
- Uh, Tom.
- Uh, and Tom.
- Tom and Tom, not enough
Toms in the world I've
always said, by jove.
For sure.
- This mission's important to
me lads, so important that
I've quite drinking.
In fact, I think my alcohol
blindness is
being cured as we speak.
I-, I think I see a cloud
and an eagle-- bastard.
My god, the sun.
- Oh, shit.
He's gonna see us.
What do we do?
- Run away, man.
- Dude, we're screwed.
- Maybe not.
You thinking what
I'm thinking?
- Never.
- We just get this guy
sloshed and he'll be
as blind as a pelican.
- Pelicans aren't blind.
- Come on.
Here, Crooky a toast,
for good luck.
- No.
I mustn't have a drop.
The fate of the queen
depends on it.
- Wouldn't be very proper to turn
down a shot of English
gin, would it?
- Bitch, proper's
my middle name.
- See, I told you this
was a bad idea!
- Whoa.
Dude, you're a lightweight.
- Balderdash!
I know that sound.
Gentlemen, we're under attack.
- Holy Crap-.
Are you serious?
- Don't worry chaps.
There's a 50-cal on
the top turns.
One of you old boys be a sport
and fend off those jerries for
old pip, will you?
- All right.
You shoot the machine gun.
I'll keep the old guy ying
the plane blind.
- That is the worst plan
I've ever heard.
All right, fine.
But in case I die,
I still hate you.
- I hope they shoot
you in the face!
- Seize their souls!
- Oh, shit!
Jet packed demon ninjas!
We've toasted to you, so now
we got to toast to me.
- Well, it's only customary.
To Tom.
I got this.
- Nice evasive maneuvers.
You'll leave my mother out
of this, you twat.
- To mothers.
Everybody's got a mother.
- Your mom's got a mother.
- Oh, my god.
I just puked.
- Don't get cocky!
- Crooky.
- Hey, Red.
What's your favorite animals?
- I like the color green a lot,
but also the bathroom because
that's where you can barf.
- Hey!
Hey, I got the last one!
You guys see that?
Of course, you didn't.
You guys see that?
- Pull up!
We're gonna crash!
- Are you hungry?
- You got to pull up right now!
We're going to crash!
- Uh.
Everyone okay?
- Uh, I'm fine.
l I'm dying-
Oh, shit!
- Oh, god.
- Oh.
Take this.
- What is it?
- You two must finish
my mission now.
Stop those bastards, Red and
Blue, from finding the Great
Sword of Destiny.
It's hidden on top
La Toure Eiffel.
- What?
What does that mean?
- I'm counting on you my
dear Tom and Tom.
- No, wait!
What is La Tour Eiffel?
- Another ight,
another crash--
perfect record.
Now, tally-ho.
- May the eagles carry
you up to heaven.
That dude's gonna have
a hangover tomorrow.
- Uh.
Dude, wait!
Since it looks like we're stuck
together, we may as well
work together.
- I mean, I guess it was pretty
sharp shooting up there with
those ninjas, even though
you barfed like a loser.
- Shut up.
Come on.
Let's go find that blade.
Check please.
- Ooh la la.
I'm going to probe this waitress
for information.
- Wait, you're going
to do what?
Red, where are you going?
- Pick up!
Pick up!
Hey, it's Blue.
Just text me.
No one listens to voice mails.
- Hey, Blue.
It's Pink.
Just calling you for
the hundredth time.
Wh- where have you been?
full, you crazy.
- Uh.
Damn it.
I'm going
to cut you, fool!
I'm going to cut you!
- Sup, bitch.
Hey, Stacy.
You haven't seen Red
around have you?
Blue hasn't been answering his
phone for, like, two days.
- Who's Red?
- That guy you have sex
with every day.
- Mm.
Which one?
- The one with the hat.
- Oh, Steven.
- Sup, babe.
Ready for round trace?
- Uh, never mind.
- Red, when did you
get that hat?
- Sorry we couldn't meet again,
old Crookygrin but I'm sure
I'll see you soon.
I'm super old.
- Are you sure it was
Rouge and Blue?
- Oh, WP-
They went that away.
- Fantastic.
We will find them
no matter what.
- Comb the area and
your mustaches,
especially you, Jaque.
- Oui.
- Excellent work, Colonel
The sword is safe
thanks to you.
- You said I'd get a reward.
- And you shall.
You'll be seeing your
friend, Crookygrin,
sooner than you think!
- Oh, shit.
Should have seen that coming.
- Yeah.
Let me show you how
to French kiss.
- Why don't you show me your
toure felle instead?
- Ha ha ha ha.
- Red, what are you doing?
- Beat it, man.
Kind of having a private
moment here.
- Garson, there seems to be
an asshole in our soup.
- Dude, Tachigami and
those ninjas could
still be out there.
We've got to find
La Tour Eiffel.
- Don't worry about him.
Why don't you es car go get
us a bottle of wine?
- Don't forget that
bottle of wine!
- Seriously?
We don't have time for this?
- Have you seen this place?
There's wine and women
We're in paradise monsieur!
- Nope, this is Paris and we got
to find that stupid blade
and get out of here.
Why are you always bossing
everybody around?
What are you, the
king of Europe?
- I just don't have time for
another interruption.
Rumors, rumors, in
France it's called frommage.
It isn't a mirage.
And it.
Bagette, bagette, it looks
just like a duck!
You bake it in the oven and it
smells just like a shit!
Because France's favorite
meal is duck baby
cheese power fuck.
- Whoa.
I swear, it's just
like my son.
- Dude, is that Lord Tourettes?
- Well hello!
Butt fuckers!
- Yeah, that's Lord Tourettes.
- Dude, what are you
doing in Paris?
- Playing the accordion.
- But why are you in Paris?
- To play the accordion!
- Garcon, I believe there's
an accordion in our soup.
- Uh, garcon, I believe there
is a man in our soup.
- What are you two doing here?
- We're here to play
the accordion too!
- Really?
- No.
- Wait, we're not?
- No.
We're trying to find something
called La Tour Eiffel.
- La Tour Eiffel?
You must mean, the
Eiffel Tower!
- That's what it is?
- Reg, is retarded!
- Spread out.
Find those assholes,
Rouge and Blue.
- And kill them.
- Oh.
Get down.
- I'm always getting down,
down, down, down.
- No one kills a mime
in my town.
- Stop it.
Now the French police are
trying to kill us too.
- This quest sucks.
Whose dumb idea was this?
- Yours, numb nuts.
Now shut up and hide.
- Oh.
- Uh, waiter.
Do you work here?
We ordered crab legs.
Oh, why yes you did.
They're right here.
- Waiter, have you seen
these two men?
- Uh.
- Our crab legs?
You food looks delicious.
- Mama, the crap's legs
won't come off.
- You must first crack
the shell.
There you go.
Take a bite.
- My, your food is
cooked so fresh.
It is still crying.
May I try a bite?
- Please, it is too
much for us.
- It is rather tender.
- It's our, uh, most
famous dish.
Ha ha.
- Men!
You must come over and
try this crab.
- Monsieur, we have finished
our sweep.
Rouge and Blue are nowhere
to be found.
- Very well.
We'll return tonight for dinner
and make sure you have
plenty of crab.
- Check the next restaurant.
- Take me back to the ocean.
Come on, dude.
Be quiet and we can
get out of here.
- Did that crab just fart?
- Crabs do not have butt holes!
Don't let them eat me!
- Open fire!
- Hurry, you got to
get out of here!
- Get in!
I'm going to hot wire this.
- Come on.
Come on.
- I'm not going to jail again!
- Ha ha ha ha!
- Thank god!
Lord Tourettes, can you get
us to the Eiffel Tower?
- You bet your sweet ass!
Now buckle the fuck up!
It's gonna be a bumpy ride!
- Alert all units.
Get me everything.
- I'll be back!
- Get your umbrellas!
- Take the wheel, bitch!
- Huh?
- Ah-ha.
- Where are we going?
- Follow me.
I'll will guide you to
the cock of Paris.
- The what of what?
- Chases are great.
- Holy Crap-.
I almost died.
- You're welcome,
mother fucker.
- Grab on!
There it is, the Tour Eiffel.
Ha ha ha ha.
One fact, this tower was
erected in 1889.
- Gross.
- Oh, crap.
They got us surrounded!
- Ah-ha!
You are surrounded!
Get off of our cock!
- You get off of my cock, dick!
- Oh.
How dare you!
- Be careful, he curses well.
- LT, can you hold them off
while we get the blade?
- Leave it to me!
- Come on.
Oh, my god.
I'm out of shape.
- Dude, I'm like King Kong.
- How about a little lullaby?
Go to sleep.
Let the tea with dreams
of fresh baguettes.
Drink some wine my sweetheart.
I've got fucking ass sharts!
- I am becoming very la sleepy.
- Eat talking shit
at the house.
Lullaby will
make you sleep.
- I said Tourettes, you're
the fucking dick!
- Uh, now what?
- Stick it in.
Stick it in.
- You're such a creep.
Two pieces down,
one left to go.
I wonder what that
last piece is.
- I hope it's a dragon.
- I really don't think
it's a dragon.
- Oh, splendid.
You found it.
- Yeah, but we're still missing
that last piece.
- Oh, wait-- the letter.
Damn it.
It's in French.
- I can read it.
It says, the last piece
of the sword is--
- Shh.
- Gem.
It's a gem and it's
hidden in ax--
in a mountain behind your--
- Home town.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's super convenient.
- Good f-- f-- luck you two.
I hope you find your destiny.
- Aw, man.
Thanks, Lord Tourettes.
See ya.
- Audios, little green man.
- Avior, mother fuckers!
- Ho ho ho.
- Don't let them get away.
They have defiled
France's cock!
- That sword will be mine!
And so, Red and Blue
escaped from the Tachigami
Demon Army and the French
police and took a long
convoluted map journey home to
find the last piece of the
Great Sword of Destiny so Blue
could get Pink a birthday
present, or something.
I don't know.
This movie's crazy.
Am I in your mind?
Are you in mine?
- I am never taking a plane,
boat, submarine, turtle,
dragon, motorcycle,
rocket, parachute,
train, hand car again.
- Yeah.
I mean, probably not.
- Ahh.
It's good to be back!
According to LT, the
gem of the sword
is hidden in a mountain.
Are there any mountains
around here?
Huh, I never noticed
that before.
A '
- Stacy, I see two mountains
right here.
- Oh, crap.
Not now.
Dude, we don't have
time for this.
- Pssh, it can wait
a little bit.
The gem hasn't gone anywhere
for like a billion years.
- Pink's birthday party is
starting any minute.
I got to get there.
No gem, no sword.
No sword, no present.
No present, no Blue and Pink.
- Relax!
I'll just have a drink or two.
- You never just have
a drink or two!
- I promise, just a
couple bottles.
We'll have that whatever
it is in no time.
Seriously, what the hell?
We're so close!
- Don't be such a stick
in the butt, dude!
We made it home!
It's party time, man!
Hey, ladies!
- I don't know why I
ever trusted you!
You never follow through
on anything!
This the most important thing
that's ever happened to me and
you're bailing?
- Dude, there's boobs in here.
What am I supposed to do?
- Be my friend!
- Sorry, bro.
This train's leaving for
Waste-Face USA, population,
des hoes, des nuts and
this bottle of Jack.
Get over here girl!
Put your face on my sack!
- Dude, this party sucks.
- Ah, they've got free beer.
- Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday.
Where's Blue?
- Jesus.
That racoon's reward
better be worth it.
I don't need that jerk.
I can do this alone.
This is for you, Pink.
I'm coming, baby.
Time to get my quest on.
Begin at Big Montage!
- Hey, What's going on?
Oh, my god!
What the hell?
Oh, my god!
The chip is out!
He thinks it's so cool!
Isn't this cool?
- Um
Boss, that feels crazy.
- Ahh.
- I suppose we should be
thankful, Blue Sun.
You led us straight to the
Great Sword of Destiny.
And now, I am going to avenge
every person who has died--
- Wait.
What about all those people
who died of old age?
- Them too!
- That's a stupid plan!
Now give me back that sword!
You're a stupid plan.
Throw the round head
into the volcano!
- I curse life.
What are you doing here?
- After I finished drinking all
those girls and screwing all
that beer, I decided I should
come back for my friend.
- I must be dead.
- Blue Sun, the
red one tells the truth.
You have a very good
friend indeed.
- You were right, man.
For once, I got to finish
what I started.
Plus, that sword is
pretty tight.
- That's what I've been saying
the whole time!
So, you're back?
- I'm back, dude.
- Uh.
You're back?
- It's is time
to finish what I started
10,000 years ago.
- Are you still butt hurt about
that little geisha
you called a wife?
- The only one
who's about to be hurt is you.
- Ha ha ha ha ha.
You really think you can
defeat all of us?
- And did you know
I can go all night, baby?
I'm nocturnal.
- We're in for a huge
fight, aren't we?
- You know it!
Try to take some notes.
- Ha.
Yeah, right.
I didn't play all those video
games for nothing.
New challenger appears--
K.O. Flawless victory!
Finish him!
Oh, my god.
This is actually working!
- Yeah, dude!
Keep doing it!
- Hadouken!
- Brutality.
- Animality.
- Bestiality!
- Gross.
- You can't kill me!
You're just a stupid raccoon!
- You need
better insults!
Father Son.
Holy shit!
- If you ever
want to fight evil, you must
keep your elbows straight.
- Father, one day
I want to go to America.
- That is
not a country yet.
- You are
Lord of Tachigami?
- Did you ever
wonder why we have
the same last name?
- Impossible!
- Father Sun, why
did you become so evil?
- I had to avenge
all the people who have
died in the world.
- But by killing
people, aren't you creating
more people you need
to avenge?
- Yes.
This way, I can do this
sweet job forever!
- You are evil.
- And you kept
your elbows straight.
- Siya-nara,
Father Sun.
- Oh, shit.
Nature's ninja.
- Raccoon, you okay?
- I am so sad.
- But you did it, man!
You freakin' cut your
dad's head off.
- It is true.
Tachigami is finally defeated.
- Yeah, that hombre is muerte.
- What is that?
- Ocho Muerte.
Follow me!
Ooh fuck!
- Holy shit!
That's Ocho Muerte?
- That is a big ass sushi!
- Boys, your
town is in grave danger.
- Oh, my god!
- She's probably fine.
We should probably
get down there.
- Let's go!
- Quickly!
There is no time to lose!
- Hey. Pink!
Have you ever met my sister?
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
I just wish Blue was here.
- Whatever, bitch.
Boys are overrated.
- What the fuck is that?
- Wow!
This party's crazy.
Oh, my boobs!
- Ah!
What's going on?
- Sorry I'm late.
It's a long story.
- Just like my dick!
- Really, Red?
- Ocho Muerte, go
back from whence you came.
- You can't kill the Tachigami
that easily!
- Father Sun,
you are Ocho Muerte, too?
- When you defeated me, I threw
up your wife for eternity!
A Tachigami could never
marry a geisha!
- But Father
Sun, I loved her!
- Then how about a reunion?
- Boys,
it's up to you now.
- Oh, 0h, no!
Papa Sun!
Blue, help!
- Pink!
- Dude, the sword!
- Cartwheel, dude!
- Blue!
- Ow!
- Blue!
- D- du- dude!
It's slipping!
You can't pull me up
with just one arm!
- But I'll drop the sword!
- Do it or you'll drop me!
- Sorry, dude.
- What?
Did you just imagine
dropping me?
- Maybe.
Ah, fuck it.
Stop imaging ways to kill
me and pull me up!
- Nah.
I thought we were actually
friends this time.
- We are.
- Holy shit.
Are you okay?
- No way.
- Nah.
Hey, man.
I'm sorry I've been
such an asshole.
I've, uh, never really
had a friend before.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- It's all good, man.
Just stop pooping
in my bed, okay.
- I never pooped in your bed.
- I've been pooping
in my sleep?
- Naw, I'm just messing
with you.
I poop in your bed, but
I won't anymore.
- Papa Sun?
Papa Sun!
- Raccoon, that you?
- Raccoon.
- I'm alive.
- Whoa.
We thought you were
super dead.
- Seriously.
- Not yet.
- Momma Sun?
- Papa Sun.
- I thought
I lost you forever.
- No, my love.
Only for 10,000 years.
- I will
never lose you again.
- That's your wife?
- Yes.
I could not face my son after
destroying Japan and I feared
the sword was lost forever.
Thanks to your bravery, it has
been reconstructed and I could
now finally save my wife.
- Wait.
So this whole time we were
actually risking
our necks for you?
- We got tricked!
- I did trick
you into finding
the sword for me.
But what you found for yourself
was friendship.
- That's true.
- Lame!
Uh, yeah.
- Ah.
- Blue!
- Pink!
- I was so worried about you.
I thought you were dead.
- You know I'd never miss
your birthday party.
- Young lovers,
this sacred lotus ower has
kept our love strong
for 10,000 years.
May it do the same for you.
- Nintendo.
- Blue, it's beautiful.
- I told you I'd get you
something special.
- I love you.
- Huh.
I love you too.
- I got a boner!
- Good one.
- Dude, aren't you glad you
went on this quest?
- Yeah, man.
I told you I wasn't pussy.
- Pssh.
I always knew we could
pull it off.
- Really?
- Well yeah, cuz we're awesome!
Oh my fucking god!
That shit was totally amazing!
Your brain can not
even comprehend.
So much hand shooting
For the sake of your couch, I
hope you're wearing Depends.
We learned so many
things together.
Japan is weird and French
people slime.
This film had 10 scenes of
action and everyone together
said fuck 21 times.
Dick Figures!
You just watched a whole fucking
movie of Dick Figures!
Dick Figures!
Bow before them and renounce
your creepiest god.
Dick Figures!
Someone get a doctor because
this movie's
fucking totally sick!
You asked them, they
If you don't like Dick Figures
it's not hard to figure out
you're a dick.
I counted 1O fucking explosions
and jet-packed
demon ninjas that rocked
your face.
Your life was a hot
pile of garbage.
Now you're so excited
that you're nutting
all over the place!
One of those explosions
was an octopus.
Sorry for the spoiler,
but it's your fault.
That'll teach you to listen to
the sound track before you
watch the movie.
- I mean, for god's sake
who does that?
You stupid piece of--
Dick Figures!
Dick Figures!
Saved the world, what do you
think about Dick Figures!
Dick Figures!
You just watched it.
You're lazy and fat.
Dick Figures!
You love them with all of your
stupid heart and also
part of your junk.
You asked them, they
A movie so great it made
your junk explode.
Our bad.
Sorry about your junk.
Just kidding!
Fuck you!
Dick Figures.
- That shit was crazy!