Dicks: The Musical (2023) Movie Script
1
(SOMBER CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING)
MALE NARRATOR: New York City.
Population: 100.
A land full of CEOs,
VIPs and STIs.
And with that many people,
there's bound to be
a few great stories.
Like this one.
Our story begins
like all great stories,
with two straight men.
MAN: Oh, fuck, I am good.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. (GRUNTS)
MALE NARRATOR:
This is Craig Tiddle.
(MAN WHOOPING WILDLY)
(MOANING)
MALE NARRATOR:
And this is Trevor Brock.
They're twins.
Identical twins.
Fuck you! They are.
And how do I know all of this?
Because I'm God.
That's right. God.
He/him. The greatest
storyteller of all time.
Check the sales of my book.
Number-one bestseller
in the world.
They're highly successful
alpha males.
Virile. Strong.
And oh-so-very manly.
(SQUEAKING)
Fuck yeah.
GOD: Wow, those twins
really have it all.
-(SLURPING)
-(SNORTING)
(SLURPING)
Oh! Good morning!
GOD: Or do they?
Craig and Trevor
don't know they're twins.
They were separated at birth
and have never met.
But that all changes today.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SHATTERS)
Oh, Craig, I think
you dropped your mug.
Keep it, old lady.
I got a lot of mugs.
I got a lot of everything.
Wow, your life seems perfect.
Trust me, my smelly friend,
it is.
I got a mansion
in the Hamptons
I got a bungalow upstate
I got a penthouse
just for fucking
And another
where I masturbate
Pow
The money just keeps
rolling in
The good times never stop
There's never been
a man like me
And I'll always be on top
Package for Trevor Brock.
Fuck this tiny thing.
I already got the biggest
package in town.
My cock is fucking massive
It always leaves
the ladies sore
Seven inches long
Curves to the left
Then it goes
ten inches more
-Ooh!
-I got girls and cash
Cars and booze
I'm the cream
of the fucking crop
There's never been
a man like me
And I'll always be on top
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Thanks, doll.
Mm-mm.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oop.
You have a good day.
Huh?
Whoa.
(WHISTLES)
(MOANING)
-You're welcome.
-You're welcome.
-BOTH: I'm the best
- (ALL CHEER)
So fucking blessed
Sexy, smart
It's just not fair
I slay pussy everywhere
I get what I want
And what I got I flaunt
And though some people
find it strange
(SHOES SQUEAKING)
No one's gonna
make me change
-(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
BOTH: Oh, my God.
Sorry, you just... (CHUCKLES)
You really look like me.
I think you mean
that you look like me.
-Craig Tiddle.
-Trevor Brock.
-Whoa.
-Whoa. (CHUCKLES)
I think I got some lube
on you.
Hey, no worries.
I'll save that for later.
Say, where do you work?
GVPI. It's my first day at the
new corporate headquarters.
Hot damn! Me, too.
You must be from
the downtown office?
That I am. Take it you're
from the uptown branch?
-My reputation precedes me.
-Nope. Never heard of you.
Actually, I'm the one who's
never heard of you, so...
Well, you should've
heard of me,
because I'm
the number-one salesman
this company's got.
Hate to break it to you,
buddy,
but last time I checked,
I was number one.
Craig Tiddle's always on top.
You might be on top of
a sex offenders registry,
but I've always been
the best salesman.
Fuck you, pal.
I've had a record month.
While you were in bed
milking your morning wood,
I've been pounding
the pavement making sales.
If you think
I can't make sales
and jerk off at the same time,
you got another thing
coming because...
I always get
the things I want
There's no way I can flop
There's never been
a man like me
And I'll always be
I'll always be
I'll always be on top
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(JINGLE PLAYS)
Global Vroomba Parts
No, we don't sell Vroombas
Just the parts
Like the gears
And the wheels
and those teeny tiny brushes
Listen to me,
you piece of shit.
The sooner you make me money,
the sooner you can afford
health insurance.
-Health care is a luxury.
-(GRUNTING)
(CRASHING)
This is... gorgeous.
Beautiful. A beautiful space.
Craig Tiddle,
Trevor Brock.
My two top salesmen.
Oh, um, actually,
I'm Trevor.
Yeah, and I'm Craig.
Oh, okay, well...
You two motherfuckers look
like y'all could be twins.
-Mm, I don't see it.
-CRAIG: I think we actually
-look very dissimilar.
-Yeah.
I guess it's just, uh, uh,
some shit that I
really don't care about.
I'm your new boss,
Gloria Masters.
Wow, a-a lady boss.
I guess it really is
the year that it is.
-I'm crazy about that.
-Yes, the year of the pussy.
Exactly. So, boss,
we were wondering,
which one of us
is top salesman
and which one is
a dumb little baby?
Well, I'm glad you asked.
As you can see right here,
I have installed a leaderboard
that tracks y'all's sales.
-Plug 'er in, fellas.
-(BEEPING)
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
(EMPLOYEES GASPING)
-Yes! Yes!
-Oh, no.
Trevor Brock, my prize pig.
But the rest
of you motherfuckers?
Get to work.
Hey, tough titty, Tiddle.
Hey, but chin up, maybe you
could be my assistant.
(WHISPERING) All my assistants
suck my dick.
-(GASPS)
-(LAUGHTER)
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
What in God's green hell?
(BANGS TABLE) Mark me down
for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears
and 3,000 of those
teeny tiny brushes.
That's a big sale.
Let this be a lesson to you.
Use people, like pawns
on a checkerboard.
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
(LAUGHTER)
-Son of a fucking bitch.
-(GASPING)
That's right.
Back where I belong.
CRAIG: For now.
I'll admit, you're good.
It's gonna be fun
to crush you.
Right back at you.
-May the best man...
-Win.
Win. I was gonna say that.
Craig Tiddle's
fucking awesome
Trevor Brock
is off the charts
They talk a lot
about their dicks
And they sell
fucking Vroomba parts
You won't ever
take me down
I'll work until I drop
There's never been
a man like me
And I'll always be on top
15,000 gears
-Money, money, money
-Craig Tiddle
-Money, money, money
-Number one
20,000 wheels
-Money, money, money
-Trevor Brock
-Money, money, money
-Is getting it done
30,000 gears
Craig Tiddle
You're the best
40,000 wheels
Trevor Brock
Sign my chest
I love fucking money!
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
BOTH:
100,000 teeny tiny brushes!
Look around
It's plain to see
There's never been
a man like me
'Cause I'm the fucking
Top...
(PANTING)
-(HORNS HONKING)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Whew.
Still at it, shrimp?
Work hard, stay hard.
Never been tied
for first before.
I'm used to being
the total top.
Oh, yeah, I'm gunning
for your ass, little boy.
-(SCOFFS)
-That's why I'm here late.
-Grinding.
-Same.
Definitely not because
I have nowhere to go
and no one to see.
Oh, I got a vast network
of meaningful relationships,
for sure,
but no time for those now.
I got to put in the hours so I
can stay ahead of you, Craig.
-Trevor.
-Huh?
You just called me Craig.
You're Craig. I'm Trevor.
(LAUGHING) God,
you're such an idiot, Trevor.
No, I'm Craig.
-You're Trevor, Trevor.
-Damn it, we look alike.
We do not. You have
long hair like a girl.
You have short hair
like a lesbian girl.
This haircut is
classic Trevor.
Fuck. Classic Cr...
Fuck you!
No, fuck you.
-You don't get me.
-You don't get me, either.
No one does.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm in this struggle
all alone
I don't know what to do
I wish there was
someone who knew
What I am going through
This feeling
that I'm feeling
It feels so very bad
It's almost like
my life's a lie
And actually I'm sad
No one understands
what I've been through
No one knows
what it's like to be
A man
with my specific life
Saying these
specific words
The only one
who understands
Is me
Say, is this your family?
(LAUGHS) What? No. But I
definitely have a real family.
And they're rich and smart
and kind and real.
Oh, me, too. I got a birth
mommy and a birth daddy,
same as everybody else.
Growing up with just a mom
It left a gaping hole
My single dad
He did his best
But life
She took her toll
With Pops
I could have fished for fish
My fastball we'd perfect
With Mom
I could have learned to bake
Or show women respect
No one understands
what I've been through
No one knows
what it's like to be
A man
with my specific life
Saying these
specific words
The only one
who understands
Is me
If you think
I've had it easy
Then you're wrong
The road's been
fucking hard
-And fucking long
-(CRASHING)
Everything I ever got
I got all on my own
I rose up from the ashes
Of my single-parent home
'Cause I've always
been a fighter
Since the day
that I was born
On January 3rd, 1986
-At 5:08 a.m.
-At 5:07 a.m.
Wait, what the fuck, dude?
Yeah, there are a lot of
similarities happening here.
-What is that?
-This?
Oh, the only thing I have
from the dad
I never knew is...
BOTH: Half of a locket.
This is the only thing
I have from my mom.
I've never understood mine.
It just says "our bo."
I think it must be
an ancient Indigenous saying.
Mine only says "toys."
Huh. But what if...?
(BOTH GASPING)
BOTH: "Our two boys."
Oh, my God. Does this mean...
Hold on, sorry,
you thought that said "toys"?
Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys.
No, there's not a "W" in toys.
Damn it all to fuck, Craig!
Who cares about
letters right now?
You only have a dad.
I only have a mom.
We were born on the same day,
almost down to the minute.
We must be brothers.
Not just brothers, Trevor.
Twins.
BOTH: Wow, we're twins.
We're fucking identical twins.
No one understands
what I've been through
No one knows
what it's like to be
A man who thought
he was alone
But then found out
he had a twin
Who works at
the same fucking job
What a big coincidence
The only one
who understands
Is we
Is we
Is we
(QUIET CHATTER)
Gears. Wheels.
Teeny tiny brush... Wow.
L, M, N, O...
P.
-Hey.
-Hey.
This is crazy, right?
-Totally crazy. I mean...
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
What are the odds of working
with your long-lost twin?
I don't know, one in four,
three in four?
-It's crazy.
-Crazy.
But wait.
I can't believe
Mom and Dad split us up.
Like, is that abuse?
Did they abuse us?
We definitely
experienced abuse-ment.
-Oh, my God.
-I mean, don't get me wrong.
My life is awesome.
No, no, no, no,
m-m-mine is awesome, too.
-I have an amazing job.
-Amazing job.
I'm always dating
some big-tit lady.
Stunning big-tit ladies.
I always get
the things I want.
Except for a real family.
Single-parent homes
are not real families.
That's true.
BOTH: Hmm.
What do we do?
You know, if Mom and Dad
got married again,
then we'd have a real family.
What if...
What if we tricked them
into getting back together?
Keep talking
until I understand.
We trick Mom and Dad
into thinking
they need to get
married again.
Oh, my God, yes.
I'll go talk to Dad now
and trick him
into getting back together
with Mom.
Well, uh, no offense,
-but you'd probably
fuck it up.
-Oh.
I should be the one
to trick Dad.
But you've never met him.
Baby, I'm the number-one
salesman.
I could trick anybody.
Okay, hold up,
I'm the number-one salesman.
If anybody's gonna
trick a parent
they've never met,
it's gonna be me.
While you're tricking Dad,
I'll trick Mom.
And I'll do it better.
All right, then.
It's settled.
We're switching places to
trick the parent we never knew
into getting married again.
-Fine. Fine.
-Fine.
Which means
we're going to need...
BOTH: Disguises!
Wow, you look so good, King.
You, too, King.
I mean, obviously, I would've
preferred a lace front,
but sometimes a shake and go
can get the job done.
-Right.
-So, what's Mom like?
At the very least,
I hope she fulfills
every single expectation
I have of her.
-That's reasonable.
-Just, like, an awesome,
conventional, elegant mommy.
God, if she's, like,
a kooky old eccentric lady,
I don't know
what the fuck I'll do.
Yeah, um, let's, uh, let's
change the subject entirely.
-Huh?
-Tell me about Dad.
Oh, our dad?
-Yeah, our dad.
-Um...
Is he a big, strong
macho guy like me?
I hope he's a big macho guy
like me!
Yeah, listen, I would
obviously love to talk
about that, but look,
oh, God, it's Mom's house.
So I got to go right now.
-Oh, God!
-(HORNS HONKING)
-(THUDDING, CRASHING)
-Okay, bye-bye.
Drive, you piece of shit!
(SIGHS) Okay, Craig,
you got this.
Shit! Fuck! Damn! No!
You're Trevor now,
all right?
And Trevor is gonna knock
on the door.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello?
Mom?
-(WHIRRING)
-Why, Trevor,
what a nice surprise.
Mom!
That's right, it's me.
-Good old Mom.
-Right.
And I'm... Trevor.
-Yes, you are.
-So...
Mom, you're
in a wheelchair now?
Well, Trevor, I've been in
this wheelchair since January.
Yes, and I haven't been here
since then, so...
January of 1979.
Cool, so I do know this.
Darling, what's the matter?
You're not acting yourself.
And what's with that hair?
I don't remember it being
this fake and shitty looking.
It's a wig. Dah!
I mean, um,
I'm growing it out for a wig.
Yeah, Locks for Love.
-Oh.
-I'm gonna give some bald,
barren women a second chance.
Well, I was just about
to have some tea.
Won't you join me?
Mom, it's really good
to see you.
Really actually good.
Well, it is really good
to see you, too, dear,
always, my darling boy.
My only darling boy.
The only boy I ever had.
-Sure, yeah.
-Yes.
The only boy that ever came
rocketing out of my vagina.
Okay.
I would've probably
had another one
just like you, but I didn't.
-The more you...
-I had a vasectomy.
One second
after you was born,
-Wow.
-I had a vasectomy.
They snipped it. (HUMMING)
So, Mom...
It's been a minute,
what have you been up to?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my gosh, Trevor!
Well, you know me.
I do.
And all the things
I get up to.
Any specifics about it,
though, would be appreciated.
Tell me it
as if I didn't know,
-even though of course I do.
-Ah, this morning,
Patricia and I watched a film
from the Criterion Collection.
-You know Patricia, of course.
-If you say so.
-(CHUCKLING)
-Mom, you seem so cultured.
Well, I'm glad you're
finally recognizing that.
Yeah, me, too, it's time
that someone fina...
Uh, that's sand.
Oh, my God.
I switched the tea
and the sand again.
-Again?
-(LAUGHING)
I'm going fast.
I make my own sand, you know.
-Do you?
-Yes, I do.
Out of what?
Out of sand.
-(LAUGHING)
-Here you go, darling.
-Thank you.
-Oh, my gosh,
wait a minute, not so fast.
That'll be your reward.
Before you go,
I need you to grab
something down for me, please?
-Yeah, fucking sure. Um...
-Yes, yes.
It's that one right there.
-This one?
-Nope, that one.
-So this one?
-No, that one.
-Okay, then this one?
-No, darling, that one.
-Here?
-Darling?
Let's calm down, look at me.
-Do you see my finger?
-I do.
-This is called pointing.
-Yeah.
If you draw
a little dotted line
from the tip of my finger
and you go poop, boop, boop.
Yeah, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop right to here.
-This is the one?
-No!
-Here?
-Let me, okay, let me...
I need to calm down.
Could you describe it?
Darling, I'm not
going to spoil you.
How about a single adjective
of-of any of these?
Not over there.
Look, this is like this.
-Here again.
-Not that one.
-Is it this one?
-Yeah!
Oh, motherfucker. Goddamn it.
I could think of words
you could've used.
Ooh, well,
that was quite an ordeal.
-Yeah, I'll say.
-Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, please.
That's Jerome.
He's easily aroused.
Don't get him
anywhere near me.
You have sex with this?
Darling, of course.
Look at him,
how could I possibly resist?
-He? It's a he?
-He's a they.
Oh, God, well, I--
Now that I know that you
fuck this little gay boot,
I'd love to put it somewhere.
I think you should put him
right down there
next to Patricia,
she can handle it.
This is Patricia,
who you saw the movie with?
Darling, of course.
You know Patricia.
And I would ask you
to unhand her!
Okay, Mommy, you know what?
I think maybe you need to get
out of the house a little bit.
Darling,
why would I leave the house?
I have everything
I need right here.
Yeah, sure.
I lead a charmed life, Trevor.
Don't you understand?
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
My life's been quite
the wild ride
Intrigue, thrills
Romance
I may have reached
my twilight years
But it's all still
song and dance
Seasons come
And seasons go
My years keep flying by
And now I sit here
in my house
until the day I die
Trevor,
I'm an independent woman.
I do what I want when I want
with whom I want.
-I am very confused.
-I'm afraid
you simply don't understand
what a gas it is
when you get to be my age.
I'm 93
No, 94
That can't be right. (GRUNTS)
Just wait, there's more
My back is broke
My tits, they sag
I have to pee into a bag
I have three toes
My eyes are coins
A mouse named Pip
lives in my loins
I smell like milk
Well, more like cheese
My nipples wink
I never sneeze
I cannot remember
the year I was born
I sculpt all my friends
out of clay
I've seen every movie
And most of them thrice
For breakfast
I only eat hay
Well, this has been fun,
but I got to be
anywhere but here.
(CRIES OUT)
I keep all my ice cubes
inside of my purse
I have a whole room
full of geese
I only read backwards
I never use spoons
My mother is also my niece
My organs are cotton
I cry melted butter
I have no reflection
I bathe in asbestos
The world is a riddle
I might be the devil
My pussy fell off
once in Greece, hey!
Who saw that coming?
-I did.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Craig.
My favorite son.
My only son.
-What a surprise.
-Yeah.
I thought I'd swing by.
-Oh.
-(SIGHS)
-A hug.
-(INHALES)
-Well, this is new.
-(CHUCKLES)
Uh...
Don't forget to let go.
Otherwise,
we're just wrasslin'.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wow.
Swanky digs, Dad.
-Oh, hush.
-No, I mean it.
This place is so nice
and clean and chic and...
God, I wish I'd grown up here.
What are talking about, Craig?
You did grow up here.
And I wish
I could grow up here again.
-Shame how time works.
-Yeah.
It really sucks.
Care for a mimosa?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Don't judge,
but I've already had one...
pitcher.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Come on.
Just kidding.
But I do drink every morning.
-Sure.
-Cheers.
Mmm.
Craig, I'm glad
you're here actually.
Same, Dad.
What do you want to do first?
Play catch in the yard?
Not talk about our feelings?
Funny you should mention
feelings.
-(GULPING)
-Uh...
(SIGHS)
Wow.
Okay.
I've been meaning
to tell you for some time.
There's no easy way
to say this, but...
-But...
-But what?
(SIGHS)
I'm gay.
(GASPS, HESITATES)
Wait, wait, uh,
this is something that I,
Craig, didn't know about
until just now?
That's correct.
Um, okay, great,
then I can freely say,
what the fuck, Dad,
you're gay?
Well, I was hoping
for a little more enthusiasm,
but yes, Craig, I'm gay.
Queer as a three-dollar bill
and just as thin.
-Well, let's not go c--
-Shh. Daddy's talking.
-Mm-hmm.
-Honestly,
the signs have been there
for ages.
I'm only now realizing it.
I am and have always been
a normal homosexual man
who does all the normal things
normal homosexual men do.
-Like what?
-Well, I'll tell you.
I wake up, drink my coffee
Have brunch around 11:00
Walk my bichon frise
Then nap till
half past 7:00
A night out
at the symphony
Such elegance, what poise
Or maybe
I'll just stay at home
With my two Sewer Boys
What?
The answer
is perfectly clear
It's a gay old life
being queer
I'm so sorry,
did you say "Sewer Boys"?
Oh, come on, Craig.
You know my Sewer Boys.
(RASPY GROWLING)
No!
No! No!
No! No! No!
HARRIS: Christ on a crutch,
Craig.
Are you all right?
You sounded like Maria Callas
on a rough matinee.
What the fuck are
those things?
My Sewer Boys.
Pale little inbred creatures,
live underground.
Only communicate
in clicks and whistles.
(CLICKING AND WHISTLING)
I-I'm very confused.
You do seem a bit off, dear.
And what's with your hair?
I don't remember it being
this fake or shitty looking.
Oh, God, who cares
about wigs right now?
Those things are disgusting.
They're not disgusting,
they're gay culture.
Gay culture?
Well, they don't seem gay.
They seem dangerous.
Well, I appreciate
your concern, but...
There's nothing dangerous
about vacationing in Spain
That is
until you've thrown
Half of your savings
down the drain
But money should be spent
on things
Both lovely and refined
The Sewer Boys
drink blood for fun
And also read my mind
Don't get in a tizzy
My dear
It's a gay old life
Being queer
What do you mean,
they read your mind?
-(RASPY GROWLING)
-Uh-oh, someone's hungry.
-(GROANS)
-(HARRIS LAUGHING)
Oh, God.
(POPPING)
Ah.
They'll do anything
for a little deli meat.
TREVOR: No, I hate this.
What are you doing?
(BOTH GRUNTING EXCITEDLY)
-Oh.
-All right,
it's your turn.
Oh, there's got to be
a different way to feed them.
No!
All right, all right.
Hey, let's brainstorm
some ideas together, Papa.
Maybe a bowl.
Have you thought about
a fucking bowl?
Nope, this is how
we've always done it.
Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys,
Backpack and Whisper.
Those are their names?
Watch your talons.
-(BELCHES)
-Talons.
-Want some ham?
-No, I don't want any ham!
I feel like I'm in
a fucking nightmare!
Oh, I understand, son.
Coming out can be
just as hard on the family.
But it's a journey
we'll go on together.
I'm not talking about
coming out.
I'm talking about
the fucking monsters.
(BOTH SCREECHING)
Oh, shh! Don't say that
in front of them.
You'll hurt their feelings.
Their feelings? They feel?
What are they?
Explain them to me!
(SIGHS)
Well, it's a long story.
Very well.
Oh, yeah. Get a hat.
Many decades ago
I was down in the sewer
-Why?
-Shh, Daddy's singing.
Rowing my boat through
the slime and manure
How did you get a boat
into the sewer?
You want to hear the story
or not?
Collecting adventures
and treasures galore
But I couldn't guess
what fate had in store
I rounded a bend
and what did I see?
Two creatures so bloody
So foul, so carefree
They were taking a bath
in the corpse of a swine
And that's when I knew
They had to be mine
I tried to entice them
But they were too quick
Tried to rip out
my trachea
-Bite off my dick
-(GASPS)
With a club
I subdued them
And made to depart
And I stole
the two creatures
Who'd stolen my heart
(WHISPERS) Jesus.
(BOTH GROWLING)
My boy
There's no reason to jeer
It's a gay old life
Being
Queer...
I bathe in bleach
There's skiing up in Aspen
-I play the horn
-And sailing of West Palm
One time I died
The snow is fine as powder
-I suck on corn
-The waves are always calm
-I poison fruit
-But no matter where I am
-I kissed a chair
-There is no way
I can resist
the urge to climb
-I juggle for exercise
-Below the streets
-Never use alphabet
-And smell
-And a tornado's my friend
-That stinky mist
BOTH:
The answer is
Perfectly clear
It's a gay old life
HARRIS:
Being queer
I have no pussy
(MUSIC ENDS)
GOD: Those foolish boys.
What, oh, what will they do?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Craig Tiddle's phone,
Craig Tiddle speaking. Ah!
Why didn't you tell me
Dad was a gay man
obsessed with Sewer Boys?
Because I was ashamed.
You don't know what it's like
to feed Boar's Head ham
to those slimy little demons
your whole life.
Why didn't you tell me
Mom's pussy fell off?
(GROANS) You weren't there.
It was really disturbing.
Well, I'm sure it was,
but not knowing really--
No, Craig. It was awful.
It crawled away like
a fucking cockroach.
Mom was screaming at me,
"Kill it! Kill it!"
I raised my flip-flop
to deal the death blow,
and it stared me
straight in the eyes.
It had eyes now.
"Dream of this,"
the pussy said to me.
"Dream of this every night."
And I do, Craig.
I do.
Well, our parents
are fucking freaks,
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
What do you mean?
I mean that I thought our plan
was going to be easy,
and it was not.
But I still want to be
brothers, no homo.
Want to be brothers,
no homo, too.
Well, then we have to do this.
But our parents
are completely incompatible.
Mom has no pussy.
Dad is a gay.
I want this to work, okay?
But it just feels...
impossible.
Anything's possible
if you force it to be.
-But--
-Shh.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
When I was
picking colleges
My sights were set
on Brown
But my scores
were all so miserable
That they just
turned me down
So I went
and saw the chancellor
To make him think again
And when he still refused
I roofied him
And then he let me in
You can't give up
When people tell you no
You can't give up
If you want it, make it so
Life's a game of poker
And I only play to win
So if someone says
don't do a thing
Just do that thing again
Last year I found a condo
So high up in the sky
But the grandmother
who lived there
She wouldn't let me buy
So I framed her ass
for larceny
And now she rots in jail
Then I roofied a whole bar
And we all killed
-A humpback whale
- (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
You can't give up
When people tell you no
You can't give up
If you want it, make it so
Life's a game of Boggle
And I only play to win
So if someone says
don't do a thing
-Just do that thing
-And do that thing
Again
The losers are
all thinking
There's some secret
to success
And they also think
that "no" means "no"
But really
"No" means "yes"
"No" means "yes"
You can't give up
When people tell you no
You can't give up
If you want it, make it so
Life's a fucking hand job
And I only play to win
So stroke my fucking cock
Until I blast
all on your chin
Then take that cum
and lube me up
Until I come again
And if someone says
don't do a thing
Just do that thing
and do that thing
And do that thing
And do that thing...
Again
Do that thing again
(MUSIC ENDS)
Ah. Should I open
another bottle?
I know it's our second,
but we're not Baptists.
-(RATTLING)
-(SEWER BOYS GROWLING)
Are you sure
that thing's secure?
HARRIS: Hardly.
They've gotten out
so many times,
animal control
made me tag them.
Have you ever thought about
putting them down?
Good grief, I'd sooner
put down my wine.
Though I admit,
they're a handful.
I haven't had a vacation
in years,
and you know how
I love jet lag.
Let's talk about
what I want to talk about.
Like Mom, for example.
If she's real or whatever.
How did you two meet?
Oh! It's a funny story.
We met in a graveyard.
I was trying to find a kidney.
They sell like hotcakes
on the black market.
-You were graverobbing.
-Why, Trevor,
you know that was my job
before the war.
And after. (GASPS) Yahtzee.
We're doing a puzzle.
(GASPS) Puzzle.
(SIGHS)
There was your mother,
up to her neck
in freshly-tilled dirt.
When I called out to her,
she pulled a gun on me.
Thought I was a cop.
Graverobbing was illegal
in those days.
It's still illegal.
Well, don't tell the police
or they'll make me return
half my wardrobe. (LAUGHS)
All this talk about Dad.
What is it, Father's Day?
You know, the more
you yammer on about Dad,
it makes me think
you miss him.
Like you want to
see him again.
-See your mother?
-Why not?
You said so yourself, you're
fucking monster children...
Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys!
Whatever!
Your Sewer Boys take up
so much of your time.
When's the last time
you went out
and had a little fun?
A little daddy time?
The last time I went out...
I know the Nazis
were still a thing.
God, whatever happened
to them?
See, this is what I mean.
You should leave the house
now and then.
Hit the town,
look at a current globe,
see Dad.
I don't know about
seeing your mother,
but... you're right.
A little company
could be nice.
Well, how about
you and me go to dinner?
Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.?
Tomorrow night?
Let's just have drinks
here instead, eh?
Or, or...
we could go somewhere better.
The kind of place where
you could fall in love again.
A place like
La Chateaux.
The most romantic restaurant
in all of New York?
Odd place to go with your son.
Well, I already
made a reservation,
so enjoy your empty evening
full of nothing
but the silence
of your own thoughts.
And I loved that idea you had
about dinner at La Chateaux.
Wait a minute,
wasn't that your idea?
Yup, that's right, a dinner
that's definitely your idea,
and definitely with me.
Bye, Mommy.
Well, we'll see.
I mean, uh, it was lovely
of you to come over, though.
-I hope you'll come back...
-(DOOR SLAMS)
soon.
Come back soon.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
The phone, it never rings
The door, it never knocks
I sit here
with my bric-a-brac
Oh, my tchotchkes
And my clocks
I don't think
it's a problem
That I hate to go outside
Though I worry
It'll take them weeks
To find my body
Once I've died
I'm lonely
I'm lonely, I'm lonely
I'm lonely, I'm lonely
I'm lonely
So lonely
So fucking lonely
all the time
I am a person
Who's lonely
My Sewer Boys
They bring me joy
They have
throughout the years
But I admit
They've scared away
My wife, my son
My peers
Could it be
I've hid behind
My sweet, delightful pets?
(BOTH GROWLING SADLY)
That they've mired me
In crippling debt
And been the cause
of my death threats
(BOTH WHIMPERING)
I'm lonely
I'm lonely, I'm lonely
I'm lonely
So lonely
So lonely and so all alone
I am a person
Was it wrong to throw away
The marriage that I had?
Was it wrong?
To split my children up
Is there a chance
that was bad?
That was bad
BOTH:
Am I wrong to live my life
The way I do now?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
-Should I try to change?
-Yes
-Some way
-Please
Somehow
Change
I have so much to share
Change
Does anybody care?
Please, God
If you're listening
Just trust me
I'm Christian now
Answer my
motherfucking prayer
(SNIFFS) Oh, not now. Not now.
(MUSIC CRESCENDOS)
I'm lonely
I'm so lonely
So lonely
So lonely, I'm all alone
-I'm lonely
-I'm lonely
So very lonely
You know I'm lonely
I am a person
(BOTH SIGH)
-Who's
-Who's
Lonely
-Lonely
-Lonely
Lonely
-Lonely
-Lonely
Mom called me confirming
she's on for dinner tonight.
Oh, Dad has left me,
like, 14 voice mails.
-The plan is working, King.
-Hell yeah, King.
There's no way this can
possibly go wrong.
Uh... Oh, uh-uh.
Tiddle, Brock, what the hell
y'all two doing here?
We're keeping
your company afloat.
-You're welcome.
-CRAIG: I don't know
if estrogen
makes you forgetful,
but we're your
top two salesmen.
Uh, you're not
my two top salesmen.
Check the board.
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
(BABY CRYING)
Okay, so we missed a day
and we fell down
a slot or two. Big deal.
Bid deal? Y'all ain't been
here in two fucking weeks.
-Two fucking weeks?
-(MOCKING) Two fucking weeks?
-'Cause we got that wig.
-That's it.
-That's where the time went.
-Yeah.
Y'all fucked up.
So guess what?
Because y'all haven't been
making me no money,
y'all are dead to me.
-What?
-You haven't been selling
any fucking wheels,
any fucking gears,
and y'all damn sure
ain't been selling
no teeny tiny fucking brushes.
Okay. I know we're not
supposed to say this anymore
because it's not
acceptable or whatever,
but you're being a bitch.
CRAIG: Yeah,
and I would say that
the way
you're acting right now
is actually very bitch-y.
Okay, well, I can show
y'all two bitches a bitch.
They say boys'll be boys
Man, what a crock of shit
These men
They hold all the cards
It makes me want to spit
They always
fucking shit up
They're always
making a mess
But I'mma tell you
the secret to my success
Men are all stupid
Weak little boys
They're not very smart
They just make lots of noise
They got their nose
up my ass
They want to be
teacher's pet
And so I keep them
on their toes
And make those
fuckers sweat
-Girls
-Girls
Sit on your throne
and just act like a queen
And these boys will be
dying to kiss the ring
Train them to beg
like the dogs that they are
And you'll find
that it ain't no thing
To out-alpha the alpha
Mm-hmm
-Outfox the fox
-Ah, yeah
Outfox the fox
Outsmart all these dummies
Outsmart all these dummies
Out-fuck all these cocks
Out-fuck all these cocks
They'll cop a feel
or smack yo ass
And then they'll suck
their little thumbs
These boys all want
a kiss from mommy
They're all scummy
sacks of cum
So put your foot
right on they throat
If they are standing
in your way and just
Make those fuckers pay
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Stackin' my dollars
Making my coin
Got drip
in the back of my truck
Bank vault apartment
Swimming in cash
Scrooge McFucking McDuck
I always stay stunnin'
My shit is brand-new
My tuna is ahi
My beef is Wagyu
Y'all are just servants
This is my palace
Built it brick by brick
So get in a line
Drop on your knees
And suck my fucking dick
Then eat my ass
Lick my pussy
And find my clit
Just keep on fucking
I'm not done
I'll tell you when to quit
Hell, yeah, I'm raw
Bitch, I'm the star
And yes, I'm real, boy
There's no HR
I'm the fucking dom
Don't need a fucking man
And by now
you know my plan
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-screw the cock
Yeah, out-screw
these cocks
Outplay all these losers
Outplay all these losers
Out-juice all these nuts
Out-juice all these nuts
These baby boys
can't keep the pace
They're all
so fucking slow
They love acting like
they run the place
But I'm the CEO
These men are
fucking dinosaurs
-About to be destroyed
-(GRUNTS)
-And I'm the asteroid
-And I'm the asteroid
They've called me shrill
They've called me slut
They've called me ice queen
And what's more
They've called me crazy
Called me loud
They've called me bitch
and cunt and whore
-Imagine, if you will
-(VOCALIZING)
We murdered all the males
A woman-driven world
Where equity prevails
Sadly
That's not how it is
But don't you get upset
I'll put those boys
right in their place
Goddamn, that makes me wet
-(VOCALIZING)
-(CHUCKLES)
Trevor, Craig, you're fired.
(CRASHING)
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
Outfox the fox
Outfox the fox, ah
Outsmart all these dummies
Outsmart all the dummies
Out-fuck all these cocks
Out-fuck all these cocks
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
-(VOCALIZING)
-Ah
-(MUSIC ENDS)
-(WOMAN WHOOPS)
Bitch, that was fun.
Okay, now, back to the story.
(PIANO PLAYING GENTLE MELODY)
(LOW CROWD CHATTER)
You know,
fuck that fucking job.
-Who needs that fucking job?
-PATRON: Shh!
-Ugh.
-Rude.
-(GASPS) Oh! Look, look, look.
-Oh, oh.
(GRUNTS) Excuse me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
(CRASHING)
M-Ma'am?
(HARRIS SIGHING)
(WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING)
(CRASHING)
(SIGHS)
Ugh. Ugh.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Well, this is ridiculous.
I don't see him anywhere.
I'm just going to go
right back ho...
-Evelyn?
-Harris?
BOTH: What are you doing here?
I'm having
a romantic dinner...
-...with Trevor.
-...with Craig.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
The twins.
The twins must have
found one another,
switched places to meet
the parent they never knew
and then tricked us into
coming here and reuniting.
Those rascals.
Well, I'm flummoxed.
I'm dumbfounded.
Those were always
two of your best qualities.
-Oh, Harris.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
My God, Evelyn.
How long has it been?
260 years.
It's been 260 years
since we last saw one another?
Oh, I thought you meant since
the French and Indian War.
Oh, I have no idea how long
it's been since we...
split up.
Yes, well, at any rate,
it's been a long time.
Yes. Yes, it has.
-(SIGHS)
-(CLEARS THROAT)
Garcon?
-Garcon?
-Yes, madame?
Um, my apologies, but, uh,
we're actually going to have
to cancel our reservation.
Yes, there's been a mistake.
-Oh, ooh.
-Oh, oh.
Ah, but I hear that this wine
will be of particular interest
to you both.
It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy,
like you had
-on your honeymoon.
-Like we had on our honeymoon.
And it's in a bottle.
-Well, it is a very nice wine.
-(WINE POURING)
And it is free, after all.
-It's not. Enjoy.
-EVELYN: Mmm.
(HARRIS SIGHS)
A toast,
to our clever, stubborn boys.
They are the one thing
we got mostly right.
-Mostly.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
And... dissolve.
-Mmm.
-God, I've missed this.
And I haven't even thought
about the Sewer Boys once.
Those fucking things
are still alive? Ugh.
God, how old are they now?
They're younger, actually.
They operate outside
of linear time.
Sure. I'm familiar.
What went wrong
between us, Evelyn,
all those many moons ago?
Oh, what goes wrong
with any couple?
We were young and foolish.
-We drifted apart.
-Hmm.
And you did start fucking men.
All the time, fucking men.
There are always little clues
that a person might be gay.
Well, it hardly matters now,
since my pussy fell off.
Yes, it hardly matters now.
(SPUTTERS)
I'm sorry, what?
Delicious.
(GULPS)
Hmm. (GULPS)
Evelyn, is something
the matter?
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
Oh, you're choking. Oh!
Yes.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Hmm?
-EVELYN: Oh. Harris?
-(HARRIS GROANS)
Yes?
You're still holding onto me.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh, no, no. It's fine.
-It's...
-Oh.
It's more than fine.
(BOTH MOANING)
What are we even doing?
I'm not sure.
(BOTH MOANING)
Aren't you gay?
I-I don't know.
It's like I'm...
I'm attracted
to both men and women.
Huh. Well, now I have
heard everything.
But, uh, also,
and correct me if I'm wrong,
but, uh, didn't you just
say that your...
(WHISPERS) ...pussy fell off?
Yes. Trevor had to kill it
with a flip-flop in Greece.
But what he doesn't know is,
I went back afterward,
scooped it up and put it
into a plastic bag,
and now I always
carry it with me
so that I feel like a woman.
Well, now
I've heard everything.
(EXHALES) Oh, my God.
Well, that was unexpected.
-Uh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh.
These are yours,
those are mine.
I'm so embarrassed. Yes.
-Yes.
-(BOTH GASP)
Oh, my God.
(GASPS, EXHALES)
So...
we can be together.
Why, yes. Yes, we can.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
I thought these feelings
All had died
But now you're here
And now I find
I've missed you very much
(GASPING, LAUGHING QUIETLY)
I've missed your hair
Your eyes, your face
But now you're here
And now I yearn
For a tender lover's
Touch
-Wow.
-Wow.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MOANS)
I feel the beat, beat, beat
of your thumping heart
It's just my body
telling you
I'm ready to start
Well, let's do it now
because I'm ready to go
You know I like it rough
So don't you take it slow
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I'm desperate
for your dick
Desperate for your pussy
Hungry for your dick
Give me
Give me that pussy
I got the taste, taste
taste of you on my tongue
I want to get real wild
like when we were young
Well, let's do it now
because I'm ready to go
Roll over here, baby
'Cause I'm fixing to blow
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I'm desperate
for your snatch
I'm desperate
for your cock
(MUFFLED)
I want vagina
I'm talking about penis
-(GRUNTS)
-(SCREAMS)
-(WHOOPS)
-(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
HARRIS AND EVELYN:
I'm desperate
For your love
Desperate for your love
(MUSIC ENDS)
(CLATTERING)
And stay out.
Oh, I had a cape. Ugh.
We did it, we did it
We did it
Harris, we're being mugged.
-We're gonna die.
-HARRIS: No, no.
-No, darling.
-Huh? What?
It-it's our boys.
EVELYN: Oh, my God!
-It's so good to see you.
-Oh, yay.
To see you both together.
Now, why'd you switch places?
I guess we thought,
since you gave us up,
-maybe it meant you...
-Hated us.
-(GASPS)
-Hated you? No.
We hardly even knew you.
We drew straws at the hospital
and each took a kid.
I just can't get over it.
All of us, reunited.
It's just like we planned.
And now that you're
back in love again,
you're gonna get married!
-What?
-What?
Get married! And when you do,
do you think you'll change
your last names?
Oh! Should we change
our last names?
-No, wait.
-We can all live together.
Then every day
would be like Christmas.
-Yes.
-Unless we're Jewish,
then every day
would be like Easter.
Boys, boys, please, I mean,
Craig, I just met you.
-I'm Trevor.
-Exactly. And I'm gay.
Yeah, but you just had hot,
awesome sex with Mom,
so now maybe you're straight.
It's clear that we were both
just longing
for some physical touch.
We were fucking horny.
Right, exactly,
but our marriage didn't work.
And I'm an independent woman.
I do not like
when people live with...
me.
And I-I feel like maybe I
haven't stressed this enough,
I do fuck men.
Not as often as I'd like,
but whenever I get the chance.
EVELYN: Boys, listen now.
We love you, but...
we will never...
get married again.
This is stupid!
I hate you!
And I hate both of you!
We lost everything
-because of you.
-No.
Now we don't even have
a family?
We can still be a family,
even if your mother and I
aren't together.
No, not the kind we wanted.
You split us up
when we were babies.
I mean, that's fucking psycho!
Boys, we didn't realize
that being lied to
your entire lives
would upset you this much.
But at least
we have each other now.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no. No, Dad.
-EVELYN: Yay! Yay!
-No. No, Mommy.
-Yay. Yay.
-No, Mommy.
-No. No.
-Stop it. Stop it.
-Yay.
-No.
Come on, Craig.
-Trevor.
-Trevor.
-Let's go.
-(SCOFFS)
-Yeah.
-Ugh.
Don't. Don't leave like this.
Oh...
Which one is which?
TREVOR: We can still fix this.
We just need to get
Mom and Dad to...
No, Trevor, just-- No.
-You don't mean that.
-I do.
I-I mean no,
and no means no this time.
I'm done, okay?
This is done.
What are you saying?
I-I don't know
what I'm saying.
I've never felt
this way before.
Usually when I want something,
I get it.
In fact, it almost feels like
society and all its systems
were built so that a man
who looks like me can succeed.
And so, now to want something
and not get it,
it-it makes me feel... feel...
-Feel what, Craig? What?
-Feelings!
Bad ones! And I want to
make them go away!
-This is just like you.
-Excuse me?
To give up.
I bet you give up
on your boner
before it's even fully hard.
Fuck you. I have never
given up on a semi.
My doctors say
I am medically horny.
I never lost anything
until you showed up.
You ruined my life!
You ruined mine, okay?
I knew this wouldn't work!
It would still work if you
weren't a fucking quitter.
We didn't quit. We failed!
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(LOUD CRASH)
Well, if that's how
you feel about it,
then I guess there's nothing
left to say.
I guess not.
Goodbye forever, Craig.
Goodbye to you, too.
For forever.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
Wait, you...
You've lived next to me
this entire time?
I guess so.
That's weird.
Yeah.
That is weird.
No one understands
what I've been through
No one knows
what it's like to be
I just lost
my brother twin
Who also was
my only friend
The only one
who understands
Is...
(BOTH SIGH)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES)
Jesus, Craig.
You look like shit.
I'm fine. Can it.
Hey, that's my job.
Shut up.
No, you shut up.
You know what?
Actually, fuck off.
Get the fuck out of here!
(GROANS)
Oh, hey, hey.
Can I bum one of those?
Man, I already gave you
a whole pack.
Aren't you supposed to be
some sort of hung hotshot?
(SCOFFS) He was once.
But he got fired.
And I heard
that while his penis is large,
it's only slightly
above average.
No. That's not true.
It's very large!
Come back!
-Harris.
-Hmm?
I'm worried.
About us?
No, not about us.
We'll be friends,
and sometimes we'll fuck.
Okay, yes, same page,
precisely.
I was talking about the boys.
Oh, them.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
Should we drown them
in the bathtub
in the old-fashioned way?
(SIGHS)
GOD: They didn't drown them.
They kidnapped them.
(BOTH GASPING)
BOTH: Surprise!
Mom? Dad? What the fuck?
-And where's my beard?
-Where's my beard?
Those beards
were fucking awesome.
Yes.
-No, they were fake.
-And shitty looking.
HARRIS: Exactly.
Boys, we see now that
splitting you up at birth
was borderline abusive,
but parenting's hard.
Everyone makes mistakes,
right?
That's it?
That's why you kidnapped us?
Oh, can you even kidnap
an adult?
-Yes.
-CRAIG: Listen,
we didn't want
to be kidnapped, all right?
-We wanted you to apologize.
-Right.
We are apologizing.
We're sorry that
you're mad at us,
and we'd rather
that you not be.
You know what? We would love
to not be mad at you,
if you would just do
what we want and get married.
Oh, eat me. Not again.
-You two really are stubborn.
-(SEWER BOYS SCREECHING)
You two are stubborn.
Uh-oh, dinnertime.
-Why won't you change for us?
-Yes.
I don't even know
what there is to change.
This, Dad. Change this.
-Oh! Now you've upset them.
-(BOTH SCREECHING)
-Oh.
-Oh. Careful.
They don't like
sudden movements.
-Ugh.
-Oh!
-(TREVOR SCREAMING)
-Oh!
Oh, they're out. They're out.
Ew, ew, ew!
-(HARRIS YELLING)
-Motherfucker!
-Shut up!
-(TOILET FLUSHING)
Backpack. Whisper.
Dear God, no!
Sewer Boys.
My Sewer Boys.
They've returned
to the slimy depths
from whence they came.
(SHUDDERING BREATH)
(PANTING)
They've gone down the pipes.
-Oh.
-HARRIS: Back into the sewers.
I have to go after them.
CRAIG: (WHISPERING)
Go after them?
But he's, like,
40 years old, I bet.
(SIGHS) What do we all
think of this cape?
-(SNICKERS)
-HARRIS: I know,
it's too drab. I'm gonna go
with the Valentino.
EVELYN: Are you sure
this is a good idea?
Sure as schadenfreude.
I'm going in.
A sometimes-gay man
all alone in the sewers?
Seems dangerous.
It is,
but those Sewer Boys,
they're my whole life.
(SIGHS)
Au revoir, my dear.
-(GRUNTS)
-EVELYN: Oh, oh.
-(HARRIS YELLS)
-(EVELYN SCREAMS)
-(LOUD CRASH, WATER SPLASHING)
-HARRIS: Goddamn it.
I just got these pants.
Come on, Mom,
let's get you home.
But Harris is all alone and...
Oh, fuck him.
And what do you care?
Don't you have to go back
to shutting out
the entire world?
I'm 93
No, 94
That's not so bad
I do want
More
(CARRYING NOTE)
(SIGHS)
I'm coming, Harris!
-(LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING)
-What the fuck?
Jesus Christ.
Ugh. We're not going
in there, right?
No fucking way.
-I'm gonna go in.
-Okay, then me, too.
BOTH: Whee!
(LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
I must run
To my boys
I must go
I must run to my boys
-(OTHERS SCREAMING)
-CRAIG: Dad!
My God, they came
Could it be that
I was wrong?
(GASPS)
Was I running
from my family all along?
Harris is so brave
The boys each found
their twin
These men have charged
back in my life
And changed it from within
Up is down
Left is right
And even underground
My world feels bright
I'm sorry we fought
Oh, my God, dude, me, too
My life's so much better
when I am with you
It's not what I wanted
And yet, could it be?
Do we have a family?
I must run
-Harris is so brave
-You're so fucking awesome
-Dude, you're awesome, too
-My life's so much better
-When I am with you
-These men
-Have charged back
-They're here
-In my life
-I fear that I was wrong
I've been running
from my family all along
Do we have a family?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't believe
We are together
Underneath the city
Where it smells like piss
As a unit
We are so much better
I never thought
it would be like this
Also, it smells like piss
It smells like piss
We're all down here together
in the sewer
And it smells like
fucking piss
(SEWER BOYS SCREAMING)
Backpack. Whisper.
MAN: Die, Sewer Boys, die.
Dear God!
-(MAN YELLING)
-HARRIS: No!
No! Oh...
MAN: Die, die, die!
-Oh! Oh, God.
-HARRIS: Oh!
Okay. All right,
all right, all right,
all right, all right.
(COOING)
Mama's gonna need you
to be brave, baby girl.
I know, I know,
but you got this.
All right.
(COOING)
(ROARING)
-(PUSSY GROWLING)
-Oh!
Ooh!
Oh, my God.
Eat my snatch,
you government piece of shit.
Are you all right? Oh...
Jesus, Mom,
your pussy saved the day.
Backpack. Whisper.
-Oh. (KISSES)
-(BOTH PURRING)
(SIGHS)
Wait a minute, are those...
their parents?
They're so fake
and shitty looking.
-(SIGHS)
-TREVOR: All right,
let's grab
the little abortions
and get the fuck out of here.
(SIGHS)
No.
-Let them stay.
-CRAIG AND EVELYN: What?
But you love them.
I do,
but they deserve to be
with their family.
(CHITTERING)
And...
maybe when they're gone...
I'll finally have time
to be with mine.
ALL: Aw...
-Does he mean us?
-TREVOR: Yeah.
-I think he means us.
-Oh, good. Okay.
Goodbye, Backpack.
-Bye.
-Goodbye, Whisper.
SEWER BOY: Goodbye, Daddy.
Take care of yourselves.
Boys, I...
I'm-I'm so sorry.
I was wrong.
And I was wrong.
BOTH: We were wrong, too.
-Mm.
-Big hug?
-Oh, yeah.
-Big hug.
-(HARRIS LAUGHING)
-Family hug.
GOD: And so the twins
finally got the family
they never knew they wanted.
(SEWER FAMILY MUNCHING
AND SLURPING)
GOD: They even decided
to move in together,
to a little shitbox
on the Lower East Side.
(BOTH SIGH)
(GROANING)
No.
No, I don't want...
Whatever.
No, not me. I can't.
(GASPING)
(BOTH SIGH)
-Craig, what's wrong?
-Trevor, what's wrong?
I was having a nightmare.
-A nightmare I was gay.
-Me, too.
I was having a gay nightmare,
and I was gay in it.
Oh, come here. I got you.
-You're not gay.
-You're not gay either.
I've got you.
(SIGHS)
-(SIGHS)
-Oh.
-What is it?
-I don't know.
I guess I just thought that if
I got everything I ever wanted
-I'd somehow feel...
-Complete?
Yeah, but I guess
I still feel...
-Empty inside?
-Yeah.
It's like I just wish
there was...
Someone who has gone through
exactly what you've
gone through
and know exactly how you feel?
Oh, my God,
I do have that person.
-That person is...
-Me.
No. I was gonna say "you."
But, Trevor,
when you say "you,"
it means "me."
I...
I love you, Craig.
I love you, too, Trevor.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPITS)
(SPITS)
(BOTH MOANING)
(NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA
BY ASHLEY FAATOALIA PLAYING)
-(GRUNTING)
-Oh, yeah!
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
-(OBJECTS SHATTERING)
-Aw, fuck!
Oh, yeah! Oh!
(NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA
CONTINUES)
-(SONG ENDS)
-(RHYTHMIC BANGING)
-(CRAIG AND TREVOR GRUNTING)
-What the fuck?
(BOTH SIGH)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, wow.
-(LAUGHS)
-(MOANS)
-That was so hot.
-That was so hot.
And easy. Everything made
sense and was comfortable.
-Easy, easy.
-(SIGHS)
-Anal's easy.
-Anal is easy.
It takes no practice to learn.
I didn't douche.
Did you douche?
I didn't. No. I don't know
what douching is.
CRAIG: Yeah.
(TREVOR SIGHS)
CRAIG: So, then after cumming,
we laid there cuddling
all night.
-It was beautiful.
-I feel so lucky
to have found the only person
in the whole world
who is as smart, awesome,
big-dicked, and smart as me.
And as fate would have it,
the person most like me
is my identical twin. Crazy.
-Crazy.
-It's crazy.
-It's crazy.
-Crazy.
-Babe, look at me.
-Yeah?
-It's crazy.
-I'm sorry, I just...
I find this so moving.
Okay, if anyone has any reason
this couple should not be wed,
speak now or forever
hold your...
-(DOOR BANGS OPEN)
-(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
(SHOUTING ANGRILY)
WOMAN: This is not
what the Bible says.
What the fuck?
You do the math.
This don't work.
Stop, stop, stop,
you fucking assholes!
I command you.
-Why should we listen to you?
-OTHERS: Yeah!
Because I am God!
(ALL GASPING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Now listen and listen good,
you self-righteous,
-judgmental flops.
-(GASPING)
Two twin brothers
marrying each other,
it sounds like an abomination,
and yet, it's not.
Because love in all its forms,
is a divine thing
given to you by me,
who, again, is God.
But, Father,
they're fucking twins.
Is that Sister Tammy?
(SCOFFS) You shouldn't judge.
An apple a day
keeps the doctor away,
-but cum ain't apples.
-(MURMURING)
-Gross!
-Who is?
They are.
I don't do any
of that nasty stuff.
I only have procreative sex
with my wife.
-WOMAN: Yeah!
-Lights off, eyes closed,
just as you intended, my Lord.
Don't put that shit
on me, Steve.
Fucked up men, Yes, men,
took my words
and changed the meaning.
I mean, you sticking
your sloppy hard wiener
into your wife's wet hole?
That's disgusting, too.
Well, goddamn,
if he ain't right about that.
When he explained it
like that,
-I got it.
-I never thought of it
-in that way.
-I mean, it makes sense.
Look at these twins.
They're vile. Misogynists.
(SCOFFS) Pigs. Perverts.
-Depraved little sex pests...
-Okay, we get it, God.
Yeah, relax, God.
But they love themselves,
in every sense of the word.
That's why
I brought them together,
to teach you
that all love is love.
Damn, this story
ended up good.
Oh, fuck it, I'm putting
this one in the Bible.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, Harris.
We share a love
That can't be ignored
A love sent to us
From our holy fucking Lord
This guy. (GIGGLES)
I have no pussy
And I'm straight and gay
BOTH:
People may judge us
But this is what we'll say
All love is love
Even when it's ugly
All love is love
Even when it's wrong
All love is love
Like a woman who fucks men
made out of sand
All love is gross
But all love is love
You are my brother
My family, my kin
We share a bond
That comes
from deep within
But our love has grown
Now it's ancient
and divine
We'll fuck
each other's assholes
Till we can't tell yours
from mine
All love is love
Even when it's ugly
All love is love
Even when it's wrong
All love is love
Like a man who gets
a blow job from a horse
-Wow.
-All love is gross
But all love is love
-Oh!
-Oh!
I now pronounce
these twin brothers
legally married.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CHUCKLES)
That's got to be a first.
That's got to be a first.
God loves all of you
because God is all of you.
God is man and woman.
God is Black and white.
God is straight and gay.
What, hold on, what?
You're gay?
-GOD: Yeah, obviously...
-(ALL GASP)
...amongst other things,
but my point is that...
No, totally, we hear you.
God is gay.
All love is love
All love is love
God is a faggot
And all love is love
That's not exactly my point.
All love is love
All love is love
God is a faggot
and all love is love
All love is love
All love is love
God is a faggot
and all love is love
Everybody!
(ALL SINGING)
Sing along!
Can't hear you.
TREVOR AND CRAIG:
You're a bigot!
-All love is love
-That's what I said.
-All love is love
-GOD: Even incest.
-All love is love
-GOD: Love a fruit.
All love is love
-Hallelujah!
-All love is love
-All love is love
-All love is love
All love is love
-All love is love
-Oh
-All love is love
-God is a faggot
-All love is love
-Sing God is a faggot
-All love is love
-Oh, God is a faggot
-All love is love
-Yeah
All love is love
Yay, yeah!
(BOTH SINGING)
Check out
the New New Testament.
Coming this Christmas.
-(ALL CHEERING)
-And all love
Is love
(CARRYING NOTE)
(MUSIC ENDS)
The end.
(LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPS)
-Surprise!
-Surprise!
Oh, I looked
right into camera.
(LAUGHING)
It doesn't really go in there.
(MAN SPEAKING)
-Spit it?
-MAN: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, we can.
(NATHAN LANE LAUGHING)
Uh, whatever. Y'all fucked up.
(LAUGHING)
Kids, listen, we love you, but
we will never... get married.
(LAUGHING)
BOTH: Mom?
Let's go home
and discuss it, eh?
Let's go home
and get in the bed
and discuss it in my puss.
(LAUGHS)
CRAIG: ...if you do what
we want and get married.
-(GROANS)
-Oh, for fuck's sake.
Eat me.
(LAUGHING)
Tiddles. Titties. Craig.
Trevor Brock.
My two top salesmen.
I feel like it says "Titties."
I keep forgetting.
(LAUGHTER)
(GASPS)
Of all the humiliations
I've had in show business,
and they are legion,
this may be the most
humiliating moment...
-(LAUGHTER)
-...I've ever had.
(MAN SPEAKING)
(COUGHS)
(JOSH SHARP SPEAKING)
-(AARON JACKSON SPEAKING)
-(LAUGHS)
MAN: Set.
My prize pig.
CRAIG: I wanna be a prize pig.
Hey, baby,
you could be a prize pig
in my bed when I fuck you.
(LAUGHTER)
-Okay.
-(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I am the lady, the bitch,
the boss, rich...
Don't put a gender
on my title.
Yeah, and, lady,
I'm Craig, so...
Lady? Yes, um, well...
I forgot what the fuck
I was supposed to say.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, this time,
let's improvise.
-(LAUGHTER)
-Oh, God, no.
That's-that's bad.
'Cause then it's just
a lot of potty talk.
-Mom!
-Dad!
-Dad?
-Mommy!
MAN: Cut!
I hope he's a big macho guy
like me.
Um, yeah, listen, I would love
to talk about that, obviously,
but this is actually Mom's
house, so I got to go now.
Oh, God!
(LAUGHING)
Okay, bye-bye. (LAUGHS)
MAN: Yeah, that's good,
but I think
also maybe a little more
open-handed, if possible.
-Okay.
-MAN: Yeah, like that.
-That's good. Okay, good.
-Yeah. Oh, God.
-MAN: Thank you.
-Oh, God.
-Ugh. God...
-MAN: Oh, God.
Open-handed pussy.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-(CRIES OUT)
-(LAUGHING)
-Hop on.
-(GRUNTS)
Yeah, get right under here,
-you'll feel much better.
-Okay.
EVELYN: Oh. Oh.
HARRIS: Oh!
(EVELYN SPEAKING)
Shh.
Shh.
-I loved a girl some...
-Shh. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)
Single-parent families
are not homes, that's true.
Single-parent homes
are not families, that's true.
Single-parent families are not
homes, that's true. Fuck!
(LAUGHING)
That's-that's my other
autobiography title.
-(LAUGHTER)
-"Fresh bag of ham."
No! No!
No! (COUGHS)
Surprise, I'm in this movie.
(LAUGHTER)
I do want
More...
(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
And cut.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
It's a gay old life
-Being queer
-I have no pussy
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(SOMBER CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING)
MALE NARRATOR: New York City.
Population: 100.
A land full of CEOs,
VIPs and STIs.
And with that many people,
there's bound to be
a few great stories.
Like this one.
Our story begins
like all great stories,
with two straight men.
MAN: Oh, fuck, I am good.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. (GRUNTS)
MALE NARRATOR:
This is Craig Tiddle.
(MAN WHOOPING WILDLY)
(MOANING)
MALE NARRATOR:
And this is Trevor Brock.
They're twins.
Identical twins.
Fuck you! They are.
And how do I know all of this?
Because I'm God.
That's right. God.
He/him. The greatest
storyteller of all time.
Check the sales of my book.
Number-one bestseller
in the world.
They're highly successful
alpha males.
Virile. Strong.
And oh-so-very manly.
(SQUEAKING)
Fuck yeah.
GOD: Wow, those twins
really have it all.
-(SLURPING)
-(SNORTING)
(SLURPING)
Oh! Good morning!
GOD: Or do they?
Craig and Trevor
don't know they're twins.
They were separated at birth
and have never met.
But that all changes today.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SHATTERS)
Oh, Craig, I think
you dropped your mug.
Keep it, old lady.
I got a lot of mugs.
I got a lot of everything.
Wow, your life seems perfect.
Trust me, my smelly friend,
it is.
I got a mansion
in the Hamptons
I got a bungalow upstate
I got a penthouse
just for fucking
And another
where I masturbate
Pow
The money just keeps
rolling in
The good times never stop
There's never been
a man like me
And I'll always be on top
Package for Trevor Brock.
Fuck this tiny thing.
I already got the biggest
package in town.
My cock is fucking massive
It always leaves
the ladies sore
Seven inches long
Curves to the left
Then it goes
ten inches more
-Ooh!
-I got girls and cash
Cars and booze
I'm the cream
of the fucking crop
There's never been
a man like me
And I'll always be on top
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Thanks, doll.
Mm-mm.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oop.
You have a good day.
Huh?
Whoa.
(WHISTLES)
(MOANING)
-You're welcome.
-You're welcome.
-BOTH: I'm the best
- (ALL CHEER)
So fucking blessed
Sexy, smart
It's just not fair
I slay pussy everywhere
I get what I want
And what I got I flaunt
And though some people
find it strange
(SHOES SQUEAKING)
No one's gonna
make me change
-(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
BOTH: Oh, my God.
Sorry, you just... (CHUCKLES)
You really look like me.
I think you mean
that you look like me.
-Craig Tiddle.
-Trevor Brock.
-Whoa.
-Whoa. (CHUCKLES)
I think I got some lube
on you.
Hey, no worries.
I'll save that for later.
Say, where do you work?
GVPI. It's my first day at the
new corporate headquarters.
Hot damn! Me, too.
You must be from
the downtown office?
That I am. Take it you're
from the uptown branch?
-My reputation precedes me.
-Nope. Never heard of you.
Actually, I'm the one who's
never heard of you, so...
Well, you should've
heard of me,
because I'm
the number-one salesman
this company's got.
Hate to break it to you,
buddy,
but last time I checked,
I was number one.
Craig Tiddle's always on top.
You might be on top of
a sex offenders registry,
but I've always been
the best salesman.
Fuck you, pal.
I've had a record month.
While you were in bed
milking your morning wood,
I've been pounding
the pavement making sales.
If you think
I can't make sales
and jerk off at the same time,
you got another thing
coming because...
I always get
the things I want
There's no way I can flop
There's never been
a man like me
And I'll always be
I'll always be
I'll always be on top
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(JINGLE PLAYS)
Global Vroomba Parts
No, we don't sell Vroombas
Just the parts
Like the gears
And the wheels
and those teeny tiny brushes
Listen to me,
you piece of shit.
The sooner you make me money,
the sooner you can afford
health insurance.
-Health care is a luxury.
-(GRUNTING)
(CRASHING)
This is... gorgeous.
Beautiful. A beautiful space.
Craig Tiddle,
Trevor Brock.
My two top salesmen.
Oh, um, actually,
I'm Trevor.
Yeah, and I'm Craig.
Oh, okay, well...
You two motherfuckers look
like y'all could be twins.
-Mm, I don't see it.
-CRAIG: I think we actually
-look very dissimilar.
-Yeah.
I guess it's just, uh, uh,
some shit that I
really don't care about.
I'm your new boss,
Gloria Masters.
Wow, a-a lady boss.
I guess it really is
the year that it is.
-I'm crazy about that.
-Yes, the year of the pussy.
Exactly. So, boss,
we were wondering,
which one of us
is top salesman
and which one is
a dumb little baby?
Well, I'm glad you asked.
As you can see right here,
I have installed a leaderboard
that tracks y'all's sales.
-Plug 'er in, fellas.
-(BEEPING)
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
(EMPLOYEES GASPING)
-Yes! Yes!
-Oh, no.
Trevor Brock, my prize pig.
But the rest
of you motherfuckers?
Get to work.
Hey, tough titty, Tiddle.
Hey, but chin up, maybe you
could be my assistant.
(WHISPERING) All my assistants
suck my dick.
-(GASPS)
-(LAUGHTER)
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
What in God's green hell?
(BANGS TABLE) Mark me down
for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears
and 3,000 of those
teeny tiny brushes.
That's a big sale.
Let this be a lesson to you.
Use people, like pawns
on a checkerboard.
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
(LAUGHTER)
-Son of a fucking bitch.
-(GASPING)
That's right.
Back where I belong.
CRAIG: For now.
I'll admit, you're good.
It's gonna be fun
to crush you.
Right back at you.
-May the best man...
-Win.
Win. I was gonna say that.
Craig Tiddle's
fucking awesome
Trevor Brock
is off the charts
They talk a lot
about their dicks
And they sell
fucking Vroomba parts
You won't ever
take me down
I'll work until I drop
There's never been
a man like me
And I'll always be on top
15,000 gears
-Money, money, money
-Craig Tiddle
-Money, money, money
-Number one
20,000 wheels
-Money, money, money
-Trevor Brock
-Money, money, money
-Is getting it done
30,000 gears
Craig Tiddle
You're the best
40,000 wheels
Trevor Brock
Sign my chest
I love fucking money!
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
BOTH:
100,000 teeny tiny brushes!
Look around
It's plain to see
There's never been
a man like me
'Cause I'm the fucking
Top...
(PANTING)
-(HORNS HONKING)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Whew.
Still at it, shrimp?
Work hard, stay hard.
Never been tied
for first before.
I'm used to being
the total top.
Oh, yeah, I'm gunning
for your ass, little boy.
-(SCOFFS)
-That's why I'm here late.
-Grinding.
-Same.
Definitely not because
I have nowhere to go
and no one to see.
Oh, I got a vast network
of meaningful relationships,
for sure,
but no time for those now.
I got to put in the hours so I
can stay ahead of you, Craig.
-Trevor.
-Huh?
You just called me Craig.
You're Craig. I'm Trevor.
(LAUGHING) God,
you're such an idiot, Trevor.
No, I'm Craig.
-You're Trevor, Trevor.
-Damn it, we look alike.
We do not. You have
long hair like a girl.
You have short hair
like a lesbian girl.
This haircut is
classic Trevor.
Fuck. Classic Cr...
Fuck you!
No, fuck you.
-You don't get me.
-You don't get me, either.
No one does.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm in this struggle
all alone
I don't know what to do
I wish there was
someone who knew
What I am going through
This feeling
that I'm feeling
It feels so very bad
It's almost like
my life's a lie
And actually I'm sad
No one understands
what I've been through
No one knows
what it's like to be
A man
with my specific life
Saying these
specific words
The only one
who understands
Is me
Say, is this your family?
(LAUGHS) What? No. But I
definitely have a real family.
And they're rich and smart
and kind and real.
Oh, me, too. I got a birth
mommy and a birth daddy,
same as everybody else.
Growing up with just a mom
It left a gaping hole
My single dad
He did his best
But life
She took her toll
With Pops
I could have fished for fish
My fastball we'd perfect
With Mom
I could have learned to bake
Or show women respect
No one understands
what I've been through
No one knows
what it's like to be
A man
with my specific life
Saying these
specific words
The only one
who understands
Is me
If you think
I've had it easy
Then you're wrong
The road's been
fucking hard
-And fucking long
-(CRASHING)
Everything I ever got
I got all on my own
I rose up from the ashes
Of my single-parent home
'Cause I've always
been a fighter
Since the day
that I was born
On January 3rd, 1986
-At 5:08 a.m.
-At 5:07 a.m.
Wait, what the fuck, dude?
Yeah, there are a lot of
similarities happening here.
-What is that?
-This?
Oh, the only thing I have
from the dad
I never knew is...
BOTH: Half of a locket.
This is the only thing
I have from my mom.
I've never understood mine.
It just says "our bo."
I think it must be
an ancient Indigenous saying.
Mine only says "toys."
Huh. But what if...?
(BOTH GASPING)
BOTH: "Our two boys."
Oh, my God. Does this mean...
Hold on, sorry,
you thought that said "toys"?
Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys.
No, there's not a "W" in toys.
Damn it all to fuck, Craig!
Who cares about
letters right now?
You only have a dad.
I only have a mom.
We were born on the same day,
almost down to the minute.
We must be brothers.
Not just brothers, Trevor.
Twins.
BOTH: Wow, we're twins.
We're fucking identical twins.
No one understands
what I've been through
No one knows
what it's like to be
A man who thought
he was alone
But then found out
he had a twin
Who works at
the same fucking job
What a big coincidence
The only one
who understands
Is we
Is we
Is we
(QUIET CHATTER)
Gears. Wheels.
Teeny tiny brush... Wow.
L, M, N, O...
P.
-Hey.
-Hey.
This is crazy, right?
-Totally crazy. I mean...
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
What are the odds of working
with your long-lost twin?
I don't know, one in four,
three in four?
-It's crazy.
-Crazy.
But wait.
I can't believe
Mom and Dad split us up.
Like, is that abuse?
Did they abuse us?
We definitely
experienced abuse-ment.
-Oh, my God.
-I mean, don't get me wrong.
My life is awesome.
No, no, no, no,
m-m-mine is awesome, too.
-I have an amazing job.
-Amazing job.
I'm always dating
some big-tit lady.
Stunning big-tit ladies.
I always get
the things I want.
Except for a real family.
Single-parent homes
are not real families.
That's true.
BOTH: Hmm.
What do we do?
You know, if Mom and Dad
got married again,
then we'd have a real family.
What if...
What if we tricked them
into getting back together?
Keep talking
until I understand.
We trick Mom and Dad
into thinking
they need to get
married again.
Oh, my God, yes.
I'll go talk to Dad now
and trick him
into getting back together
with Mom.
Well, uh, no offense,
-but you'd probably
fuck it up.
-Oh.
I should be the one
to trick Dad.
But you've never met him.
Baby, I'm the number-one
salesman.
I could trick anybody.
Okay, hold up,
I'm the number-one salesman.
If anybody's gonna
trick a parent
they've never met,
it's gonna be me.
While you're tricking Dad,
I'll trick Mom.
And I'll do it better.
All right, then.
It's settled.
We're switching places to
trick the parent we never knew
into getting married again.
-Fine. Fine.
-Fine.
Which means
we're going to need...
BOTH: Disguises!
Wow, you look so good, King.
You, too, King.
I mean, obviously, I would've
preferred a lace front,
but sometimes a shake and go
can get the job done.
-Right.
-So, what's Mom like?
At the very least,
I hope she fulfills
every single expectation
I have of her.
-That's reasonable.
-Just, like, an awesome,
conventional, elegant mommy.
God, if she's, like,
a kooky old eccentric lady,
I don't know
what the fuck I'll do.
Yeah, um, let's, uh, let's
change the subject entirely.
-Huh?
-Tell me about Dad.
Oh, our dad?
-Yeah, our dad.
-Um...
Is he a big, strong
macho guy like me?
I hope he's a big macho guy
like me!
Yeah, listen, I would
obviously love to talk
about that, but look,
oh, God, it's Mom's house.
So I got to go right now.
-Oh, God!
-(HORNS HONKING)
-(THUDDING, CRASHING)
-Okay, bye-bye.
Drive, you piece of shit!
(SIGHS) Okay, Craig,
you got this.
Shit! Fuck! Damn! No!
You're Trevor now,
all right?
And Trevor is gonna knock
on the door.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello?
Mom?
-(WHIRRING)
-Why, Trevor,
what a nice surprise.
Mom!
That's right, it's me.
-Good old Mom.
-Right.
And I'm... Trevor.
-Yes, you are.
-So...
Mom, you're
in a wheelchair now?
Well, Trevor, I've been in
this wheelchair since January.
Yes, and I haven't been here
since then, so...
January of 1979.
Cool, so I do know this.
Darling, what's the matter?
You're not acting yourself.
And what's with that hair?
I don't remember it being
this fake and shitty looking.
It's a wig. Dah!
I mean, um,
I'm growing it out for a wig.
Yeah, Locks for Love.
-Oh.
-I'm gonna give some bald,
barren women a second chance.
Well, I was just about
to have some tea.
Won't you join me?
Mom, it's really good
to see you.
Really actually good.
Well, it is really good
to see you, too, dear,
always, my darling boy.
My only darling boy.
The only boy I ever had.
-Sure, yeah.
-Yes.
The only boy that ever came
rocketing out of my vagina.
Okay.
I would've probably
had another one
just like you, but I didn't.
-The more you...
-I had a vasectomy.
One second
after you was born,
-Wow.
-I had a vasectomy.
They snipped it. (HUMMING)
So, Mom...
It's been a minute,
what have you been up to?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my gosh, Trevor!
Well, you know me.
I do.
And all the things
I get up to.
Any specifics about it,
though, would be appreciated.
Tell me it
as if I didn't know,
-even though of course I do.
-Ah, this morning,
Patricia and I watched a film
from the Criterion Collection.
-You know Patricia, of course.
-If you say so.
-(CHUCKLING)
-Mom, you seem so cultured.
Well, I'm glad you're
finally recognizing that.
Yeah, me, too, it's time
that someone fina...
Uh, that's sand.
Oh, my God.
I switched the tea
and the sand again.
-Again?
-(LAUGHING)
I'm going fast.
I make my own sand, you know.
-Do you?
-Yes, I do.
Out of what?
Out of sand.
-(LAUGHING)
-Here you go, darling.
-Thank you.
-Oh, my gosh,
wait a minute, not so fast.
That'll be your reward.
Before you go,
I need you to grab
something down for me, please?
-Yeah, fucking sure. Um...
-Yes, yes.
It's that one right there.
-This one?
-Nope, that one.
-So this one?
-No, that one.
-Okay, then this one?
-No, darling, that one.
-Here?
-Darling?
Let's calm down, look at me.
-Do you see my finger?
-I do.
-This is called pointing.
-Yeah.
If you draw
a little dotted line
from the tip of my finger
and you go poop, boop, boop.
Yeah, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop right to here.
-This is the one?
-No!
-Here?
-Let me, okay, let me...
I need to calm down.
Could you describe it?
Darling, I'm not
going to spoil you.
How about a single adjective
of-of any of these?
Not over there.
Look, this is like this.
-Here again.
-Not that one.
-Is it this one?
-Yeah!
Oh, motherfucker. Goddamn it.
I could think of words
you could've used.
Ooh, well,
that was quite an ordeal.
-Yeah, I'll say.
-Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, please.
That's Jerome.
He's easily aroused.
Don't get him
anywhere near me.
You have sex with this?
Darling, of course.
Look at him,
how could I possibly resist?
-He? It's a he?
-He's a they.
Oh, God, well, I--
Now that I know that you
fuck this little gay boot,
I'd love to put it somewhere.
I think you should put him
right down there
next to Patricia,
she can handle it.
This is Patricia,
who you saw the movie with?
Darling, of course.
You know Patricia.
And I would ask you
to unhand her!
Okay, Mommy, you know what?
I think maybe you need to get
out of the house a little bit.
Darling,
why would I leave the house?
I have everything
I need right here.
Yeah, sure.
I lead a charmed life, Trevor.
Don't you understand?
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
My life's been quite
the wild ride
Intrigue, thrills
Romance
I may have reached
my twilight years
But it's all still
song and dance
Seasons come
And seasons go
My years keep flying by
And now I sit here
in my house
until the day I die
Trevor,
I'm an independent woman.
I do what I want when I want
with whom I want.
-I am very confused.
-I'm afraid
you simply don't understand
what a gas it is
when you get to be my age.
I'm 93
No, 94
That can't be right. (GRUNTS)
Just wait, there's more
My back is broke
My tits, they sag
I have to pee into a bag
I have three toes
My eyes are coins
A mouse named Pip
lives in my loins
I smell like milk
Well, more like cheese
My nipples wink
I never sneeze
I cannot remember
the year I was born
I sculpt all my friends
out of clay
I've seen every movie
And most of them thrice
For breakfast
I only eat hay
Well, this has been fun,
but I got to be
anywhere but here.
(CRIES OUT)
I keep all my ice cubes
inside of my purse
I have a whole room
full of geese
I only read backwards
I never use spoons
My mother is also my niece
My organs are cotton
I cry melted butter
I have no reflection
I bathe in asbestos
The world is a riddle
I might be the devil
My pussy fell off
once in Greece, hey!
Who saw that coming?
-I did.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Craig.
My favorite son.
My only son.
-What a surprise.
-Yeah.
I thought I'd swing by.
-Oh.
-(SIGHS)
-A hug.
-(INHALES)
-Well, this is new.
-(CHUCKLES)
Uh...
Don't forget to let go.
Otherwise,
we're just wrasslin'.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wow.
Swanky digs, Dad.
-Oh, hush.
-No, I mean it.
This place is so nice
and clean and chic and...
God, I wish I'd grown up here.
What are talking about, Craig?
You did grow up here.
And I wish
I could grow up here again.
-Shame how time works.
-Yeah.
It really sucks.
Care for a mimosa?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Don't judge,
but I've already had one...
pitcher.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Come on.
Just kidding.
But I do drink every morning.
-Sure.
-Cheers.
Mmm.
Craig, I'm glad
you're here actually.
Same, Dad.
What do you want to do first?
Play catch in the yard?
Not talk about our feelings?
Funny you should mention
feelings.
-(GULPING)
-Uh...
(SIGHS)
Wow.
Okay.
I've been meaning
to tell you for some time.
There's no easy way
to say this, but...
-But...
-But what?
(SIGHS)
I'm gay.
(GASPS, HESITATES)
Wait, wait, uh,
this is something that I,
Craig, didn't know about
until just now?
That's correct.
Um, okay, great,
then I can freely say,
what the fuck, Dad,
you're gay?
Well, I was hoping
for a little more enthusiasm,
but yes, Craig, I'm gay.
Queer as a three-dollar bill
and just as thin.
-Well, let's not go c--
-Shh. Daddy's talking.
-Mm-hmm.
-Honestly,
the signs have been there
for ages.
I'm only now realizing it.
I am and have always been
a normal homosexual man
who does all the normal things
normal homosexual men do.
-Like what?
-Well, I'll tell you.
I wake up, drink my coffee
Have brunch around 11:00
Walk my bichon frise
Then nap till
half past 7:00
A night out
at the symphony
Such elegance, what poise
Or maybe
I'll just stay at home
With my two Sewer Boys
What?
The answer
is perfectly clear
It's a gay old life
being queer
I'm so sorry,
did you say "Sewer Boys"?
Oh, come on, Craig.
You know my Sewer Boys.
(RASPY GROWLING)
No!
No! No!
No! No! No!
HARRIS: Christ on a crutch,
Craig.
Are you all right?
You sounded like Maria Callas
on a rough matinee.
What the fuck are
those things?
My Sewer Boys.
Pale little inbred creatures,
live underground.
Only communicate
in clicks and whistles.
(CLICKING AND WHISTLING)
I-I'm very confused.
You do seem a bit off, dear.
And what's with your hair?
I don't remember it being
this fake or shitty looking.
Oh, God, who cares
about wigs right now?
Those things are disgusting.
They're not disgusting,
they're gay culture.
Gay culture?
Well, they don't seem gay.
They seem dangerous.
Well, I appreciate
your concern, but...
There's nothing dangerous
about vacationing in Spain
That is
until you've thrown
Half of your savings
down the drain
But money should be spent
on things
Both lovely and refined
The Sewer Boys
drink blood for fun
And also read my mind
Don't get in a tizzy
My dear
It's a gay old life
Being queer
What do you mean,
they read your mind?
-(RASPY GROWLING)
-Uh-oh, someone's hungry.
-(GROANS)
-(HARRIS LAUGHING)
Oh, God.
(POPPING)
Ah.
They'll do anything
for a little deli meat.
TREVOR: No, I hate this.
What are you doing?
(BOTH GRUNTING EXCITEDLY)
-Oh.
-All right,
it's your turn.
Oh, there's got to be
a different way to feed them.
No!
All right, all right.
Hey, let's brainstorm
some ideas together, Papa.
Maybe a bowl.
Have you thought about
a fucking bowl?
Nope, this is how
we've always done it.
Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys,
Backpack and Whisper.
Those are their names?
Watch your talons.
-(BELCHES)
-Talons.
-Want some ham?
-No, I don't want any ham!
I feel like I'm in
a fucking nightmare!
Oh, I understand, son.
Coming out can be
just as hard on the family.
But it's a journey
we'll go on together.
I'm not talking about
coming out.
I'm talking about
the fucking monsters.
(BOTH SCREECHING)
Oh, shh! Don't say that
in front of them.
You'll hurt their feelings.
Their feelings? They feel?
What are they?
Explain them to me!
(SIGHS)
Well, it's a long story.
Very well.
Oh, yeah. Get a hat.
Many decades ago
I was down in the sewer
-Why?
-Shh, Daddy's singing.
Rowing my boat through
the slime and manure
How did you get a boat
into the sewer?
You want to hear the story
or not?
Collecting adventures
and treasures galore
But I couldn't guess
what fate had in store
I rounded a bend
and what did I see?
Two creatures so bloody
So foul, so carefree
They were taking a bath
in the corpse of a swine
And that's when I knew
They had to be mine
I tried to entice them
But they were too quick
Tried to rip out
my trachea
-Bite off my dick
-(GASPS)
With a club
I subdued them
And made to depart
And I stole
the two creatures
Who'd stolen my heart
(WHISPERS) Jesus.
(BOTH GROWLING)
My boy
There's no reason to jeer
It's a gay old life
Being
Queer...
I bathe in bleach
There's skiing up in Aspen
-I play the horn
-And sailing of West Palm
One time I died
The snow is fine as powder
-I suck on corn
-The waves are always calm
-I poison fruit
-But no matter where I am
-I kissed a chair
-There is no way
I can resist
the urge to climb
-I juggle for exercise
-Below the streets
-Never use alphabet
-And smell
-And a tornado's my friend
-That stinky mist
BOTH:
The answer is
Perfectly clear
It's a gay old life
HARRIS:
Being queer
I have no pussy
(MUSIC ENDS)
GOD: Those foolish boys.
What, oh, what will they do?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Craig Tiddle's phone,
Craig Tiddle speaking. Ah!
Why didn't you tell me
Dad was a gay man
obsessed with Sewer Boys?
Because I was ashamed.
You don't know what it's like
to feed Boar's Head ham
to those slimy little demons
your whole life.
Why didn't you tell me
Mom's pussy fell off?
(GROANS) You weren't there.
It was really disturbing.
Well, I'm sure it was,
but not knowing really--
No, Craig. It was awful.
It crawled away like
a fucking cockroach.
Mom was screaming at me,
"Kill it! Kill it!"
I raised my flip-flop
to deal the death blow,
and it stared me
straight in the eyes.
It had eyes now.
"Dream of this,"
the pussy said to me.
"Dream of this every night."
And I do, Craig.
I do.
Well, our parents
are fucking freaks,
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
What do you mean?
I mean that I thought our plan
was going to be easy,
and it was not.
But I still want to be
brothers, no homo.
Want to be brothers,
no homo, too.
Well, then we have to do this.
But our parents
are completely incompatible.
Mom has no pussy.
Dad is a gay.
I want this to work, okay?
But it just feels...
impossible.
Anything's possible
if you force it to be.
-But--
-Shh.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
When I was
picking colleges
My sights were set
on Brown
But my scores
were all so miserable
That they just
turned me down
So I went
and saw the chancellor
To make him think again
And when he still refused
I roofied him
And then he let me in
You can't give up
When people tell you no
You can't give up
If you want it, make it so
Life's a game of poker
And I only play to win
So if someone says
don't do a thing
Just do that thing again
Last year I found a condo
So high up in the sky
But the grandmother
who lived there
She wouldn't let me buy
So I framed her ass
for larceny
And now she rots in jail
Then I roofied a whole bar
And we all killed
-A humpback whale
- (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
You can't give up
When people tell you no
You can't give up
If you want it, make it so
Life's a game of Boggle
And I only play to win
So if someone says
don't do a thing
-Just do that thing
-And do that thing
Again
The losers are
all thinking
There's some secret
to success
And they also think
that "no" means "no"
But really
"No" means "yes"
"No" means "yes"
You can't give up
When people tell you no
You can't give up
If you want it, make it so
Life's a fucking hand job
And I only play to win
So stroke my fucking cock
Until I blast
all on your chin
Then take that cum
and lube me up
Until I come again
And if someone says
don't do a thing
Just do that thing
and do that thing
And do that thing
And do that thing...
Again
Do that thing again
(MUSIC ENDS)
Ah. Should I open
another bottle?
I know it's our second,
but we're not Baptists.
-(RATTLING)
-(SEWER BOYS GROWLING)
Are you sure
that thing's secure?
HARRIS: Hardly.
They've gotten out
so many times,
animal control
made me tag them.
Have you ever thought about
putting them down?
Good grief, I'd sooner
put down my wine.
Though I admit,
they're a handful.
I haven't had a vacation
in years,
and you know how
I love jet lag.
Let's talk about
what I want to talk about.
Like Mom, for example.
If she's real or whatever.
How did you two meet?
Oh! It's a funny story.
We met in a graveyard.
I was trying to find a kidney.
They sell like hotcakes
on the black market.
-You were graverobbing.
-Why, Trevor,
you know that was my job
before the war.
And after. (GASPS) Yahtzee.
We're doing a puzzle.
(GASPS) Puzzle.
(SIGHS)
There was your mother,
up to her neck
in freshly-tilled dirt.
When I called out to her,
she pulled a gun on me.
Thought I was a cop.
Graverobbing was illegal
in those days.
It's still illegal.
Well, don't tell the police
or they'll make me return
half my wardrobe. (LAUGHS)
All this talk about Dad.
What is it, Father's Day?
You know, the more
you yammer on about Dad,
it makes me think
you miss him.
Like you want to
see him again.
-See your mother?
-Why not?
You said so yourself, you're
fucking monster children...
Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys!
Whatever!
Your Sewer Boys take up
so much of your time.
When's the last time
you went out
and had a little fun?
A little daddy time?
The last time I went out...
I know the Nazis
were still a thing.
God, whatever happened
to them?
See, this is what I mean.
You should leave the house
now and then.
Hit the town,
look at a current globe,
see Dad.
I don't know about
seeing your mother,
but... you're right.
A little company
could be nice.
Well, how about
you and me go to dinner?
Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.?
Tomorrow night?
Let's just have drinks
here instead, eh?
Or, or...
we could go somewhere better.
The kind of place where
you could fall in love again.
A place like
La Chateaux.
The most romantic restaurant
in all of New York?
Odd place to go with your son.
Well, I already
made a reservation,
so enjoy your empty evening
full of nothing
but the silence
of your own thoughts.
And I loved that idea you had
about dinner at La Chateaux.
Wait a minute,
wasn't that your idea?
Yup, that's right, a dinner
that's definitely your idea,
and definitely with me.
Bye, Mommy.
Well, we'll see.
I mean, uh, it was lovely
of you to come over, though.
-I hope you'll come back...
-(DOOR SLAMS)
soon.
Come back soon.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
The phone, it never rings
The door, it never knocks
I sit here
with my bric-a-brac
Oh, my tchotchkes
And my clocks
I don't think
it's a problem
That I hate to go outside
Though I worry
It'll take them weeks
To find my body
Once I've died
I'm lonely
I'm lonely, I'm lonely
I'm lonely, I'm lonely
I'm lonely
So lonely
So fucking lonely
all the time
I am a person
Who's lonely
My Sewer Boys
They bring me joy
They have
throughout the years
But I admit
They've scared away
My wife, my son
My peers
Could it be
I've hid behind
My sweet, delightful pets?
(BOTH GROWLING SADLY)
That they've mired me
In crippling debt
And been the cause
of my death threats
(BOTH WHIMPERING)
I'm lonely
I'm lonely, I'm lonely
I'm lonely
So lonely
So lonely and so all alone
I am a person
Was it wrong to throw away
The marriage that I had?
Was it wrong?
To split my children up
Is there a chance
that was bad?
That was bad
BOTH:
Am I wrong to live my life
The way I do now?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
-Should I try to change?
-Yes
-Some way
-Please
Somehow
Change
I have so much to share
Change
Does anybody care?
Please, God
If you're listening
Just trust me
I'm Christian now
Answer my
motherfucking prayer
(SNIFFS) Oh, not now. Not now.
(MUSIC CRESCENDOS)
I'm lonely
I'm so lonely
So lonely
So lonely, I'm all alone
-I'm lonely
-I'm lonely
So very lonely
You know I'm lonely
I am a person
(BOTH SIGH)
-Who's
-Who's
Lonely
-Lonely
-Lonely
Lonely
-Lonely
-Lonely
Mom called me confirming
she's on for dinner tonight.
Oh, Dad has left me,
like, 14 voice mails.
-The plan is working, King.
-Hell yeah, King.
There's no way this can
possibly go wrong.
Uh... Oh, uh-uh.
Tiddle, Brock, what the hell
y'all two doing here?
We're keeping
your company afloat.
-You're welcome.
-CRAIG: I don't know
if estrogen
makes you forgetful,
but we're your
top two salesmen.
Uh, you're not
my two top salesmen.
Check the board.
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
(BABY CRYING)
Okay, so we missed a day
and we fell down
a slot or two. Big deal.
Bid deal? Y'all ain't been
here in two fucking weeks.
-Two fucking weeks?
-(MOCKING) Two fucking weeks?
-'Cause we got that wig.
-That's it.
-That's where the time went.
-Yeah.
Y'all fucked up.
So guess what?
Because y'all haven't been
making me no money,
y'all are dead to me.
-What?
-You haven't been selling
any fucking wheels,
any fucking gears,
and y'all damn sure
ain't been selling
no teeny tiny fucking brushes.
Okay. I know we're not
supposed to say this anymore
because it's not
acceptable or whatever,
but you're being a bitch.
CRAIG: Yeah,
and I would say that
the way
you're acting right now
is actually very bitch-y.
Okay, well, I can show
y'all two bitches a bitch.
They say boys'll be boys
Man, what a crock of shit
These men
They hold all the cards
It makes me want to spit
They always
fucking shit up
They're always
making a mess
But I'mma tell you
the secret to my success
Men are all stupid
Weak little boys
They're not very smart
They just make lots of noise
They got their nose
up my ass
They want to be
teacher's pet
And so I keep them
on their toes
And make those
fuckers sweat
-Girls
-Girls
Sit on your throne
and just act like a queen
And these boys will be
dying to kiss the ring
Train them to beg
like the dogs that they are
And you'll find
that it ain't no thing
To out-alpha the alpha
Mm-hmm
-Outfox the fox
-Ah, yeah
Outfox the fox
Outsmart all these dummies
Outsmart all these dummies
Out-fuck all these cocks
Out-fuck all these cocks
They'll cop a feel
or smack yo ass
And then they'll suck
their little thumbs
These boys all want
a kiss from mommy
They're all scummy
sacks of cum
So put your foot
right on they throat
If they are standing
in your way and just
Make those fuckers pay
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Stackin' my dollars
Making my coin
Got drip
in the back of my truck
Bank vault apartment
Swimming in cash
Scrooge McFucking McDuck
I always stay stunnin'
My shit is brand-new
My tuna is ahi
My beef is Wagyu
Y'all are just servants
This is my palace
Built it brick by brick
So get in a line
Drop on your knees
And suck my fucking dick
Then eat my ass
Lick my pussy
And find my clit
Just keep on fucking
I'm not done
I'll tell you when to quit
Hell, yeah, I'm raw
Bitch, I'm the star
And yes, I'm real, boy
There's no HR
I'm the fucking dom
Don't need a fucking man
And by now
you know my plan
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-screw the cock
Yeah, out-screw
these cocks
Outplay all these losers
Outplay all these losers
Out-juice all these nuts
Out-juice all these nuts
These baby boys
can't keep the pace
They're all
so fucking slow
They love acting like
they run the place
But I'm the CEO
These men are
fucking dinosaurs
-About to be destroyed
-(GRUNTS)
-And I'm the asteroid
-And I'm the asteroid
They've called me shrill
They've called me slut
They've called me ice queen
And what's more
They've called me crazy
Called me loud
They've called me bitch
and cunt and whore
-Imagine, if you will
-(VOCALIZING)
We murdered all the males
A woman-driven world
Where equity prevails
Sadly
That's not how it is
But don't you get upset
I'll put those boys
right in their place
Goddamn, that makes me wet
-(VOCALIZING)
-(CHUCKLES)
Trevor, Craig, you're fired.
(CRASHING)
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
Outfox the fox
Outfox the fox, ah
Outsmart all these dummies
Outsmart all the dummies
Out-fuck all these cocks
Out-fuck all these cocks
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha
-(VOCALIZING)
-Ah
-(MUSIC ENDS)
-(WOMAN WHOOPS)
Bitch, that was fun.
Okay, now, back to the story.
(PIANO PLAYING GENTLE MELODY)
(LOW CROWD CHATTER)
You know,
fuck that fucking job.
-Who needs that fucking job?
-PATRON: Shh!
-Ugh.
-Rude.
-(GASPS) Oh! Look, look, look.
-Oh, oh.
(GRUNTS) Excuse me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
(CRASHING)
M-Ma'am?
(HARRIS SIGHING)
(WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING)
(CRASHING)
(SIGHS)
Ugh. Ugh.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Well, this is ridiculous.
I don't see him anywhere.
I'm just going to go
right back ho...
-Evelyn?
-Harris?
BOTH: What are you doing here?
I'm having
a romantic dinner...
-...with Trevor.
-...with Craig.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
The twins.
The twins must have
found one another,
switched places to meet
the parent they never knew
and then tricked us into
coming here and reuniting.
Those rascals.
Well, I'm flummoxed.
I'm dumbfounded.
Those were always
two of your best qualities.
-Oh, Harris.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
My God, Evelyn.
How long has it been?
260 years.
It's been 260 years
since we last saw one another?
Oh, I thought you meant since
the French and Indian War.
Oh, I have no idea how long
it's been since we...
split up.
Yes, well, at any rate,
it's been a long time.
Yes. Yes, it has.
-(SIGHS)
-(CLEARS THROAT)
Garcon?
-Garcon?
-Yes, madame?
Um, my apologies, but, uh,
we're actually going to have
to cancel our reservation.
Yes, there's been a mistake.
-Oh, ooh.
-Oh, oh.
Ah, but I hear that this wine
will be of particular interest
to you both.
It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy,
like you had
-on your honeymoon.
-Like we had on our honeymoon.
And it's in a bottle.
-Well, it is a very nice wine.
-(WINE POURING)
And it is free, after all.
-It's not. Enjoy.
-EVELYN: Mmm.
(HARRIS SIGHS)
A toast,
to our clever, stubborn boys.
They are the one thing
we got mostly right.
-Mostly.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
And... dissolve.
-Mmm.
-God, I've missed this.
And I haven't even thought
about the Sewer Boys once.
Those fucking things
are still alive? Ugh.
God, how old are they now?
They're younger, actually.
They operate outside
of linear time.
Sure. I'm familiar.
What went wrong
between us, Evelyn,
all those many moons ago?
Oh, what goes wrong
with any couple?
We were young and foolish.
-We drifted apart.
-Hmm.
And you did start fucking men.
All the time, fucking men.
There are always little clues
that a person might be gay.
Well, it hardly matters now,
since my pussy fell off.
Yes, it hardly matters now.
(SPUTTERS)
I'm sorry, what?
Delicious.
(GULPS)
Hmm. (GULPS)
Evelyn, is something
the matter?
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
Oh, you're choking. Oh!
Yes.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Hmm?
-EVELYN: Oh. Harris?
-(HARRIS GROANS)
Yes?
You're still holding onto me.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh, no, no. It's fine.
-It's...
-Oh.
It's more than fine.
(BOTH MOANING)
What are we even doing?
I'm not sure.
(BOTH MOANING)
Aren't you gay?
I-I don't know.
It's like I'm...
I'm attracted
to both men and women.
Huh. Well, now I have
heard everything.
But, uh, also,
and correct me if I'm wrong,
but, uh, didn't you just
say that your...
(WHISPERS) ...pussy fell off?
Yes. Trevor had to kill it
with a flip-flop in Greece.
But what he doesn't know is,
I went back afterward,
scooped it up and put it
into a plastic bag,
and now I always
carry it with me
so that I feel like a woman.
Well, now
I've heard everything.
(EXHALES) Oh, my God.
Well, that was unexpected.
-Uh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh.
These are yours,
those are mine.
I'm so embarrassed. Yes.
-Yes.
-(BOTH GASP)
Oh, my God.
(GASPS, EXHALES)
So...
we can be together.
Why, yes. Yes, we can.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
I thought these feelings
All had died
But now you're here
And now I find
I've missed you very much
(GASPING, LAUGHING QUIETLY)
I've missed your hair
Your eyes, your face
But now you're here
And now I yearn
For a tender lover's
Touch
-Wow.
-Wow.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MOANS)
I feel the beat, beat, beat
of your thumping heart
It's just my body
telling you
I'm ready to start
Well, let's do it now
because I'm ready to go
You know I like it rough
So don't you take it slow
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I'm desperate
for your dick
Desperate for your pussy
Hungry for your dick
Give me
Give me that pussy
I got the taste, taste
taste of you on my tongue
I want to get real wild
like when we were young
Well, let's do it now
because I'm ready to go
Roll over here, baby
'Cause I'm fixing to blow
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I'm desperate
for your snatch
I'm desperate
for your cock
(MUFFLED)
I want vagina
I'm talking about penis
-(GRUNTS)
-(SCREAMS)
-(WHOOPS)
-(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
HARRIS AND EVELYN:
I'm desperate
For your love
Desperate for your love
(MUSIC ENDS)
(CLATTERING)
And stay out.
Oh, I had a cape. Ugh.
We did it, we did it
We did it
Harris, we're being mugged.
-We're gonna die.
-HARRIS: No, no.
-No, darling.
-Huh? What?
It-it's our boys.
EVELYN: Oh, my God!
-It's so good to see you.
-Oh, yay.
To see you both together.
Now, why'd you switch places?
I guess we thought,
since you gave us up,
-maybe it meant you...
-Hated us.
-(GASPS)
-Hated you? No.
We hardly even knew you.
We drew straws at the hospital
and each took a kid.
I just can't get over it.
All of us, reunited.
It's just like we planned.
And now that you're
back in love again,
you're gonna get married!
-What?
-What?
Get married! And when you do,
do you think you'll change
your last names?
Oh! Should we change
our last names?
-No, wait.
-We can all live together.
Then every day
would be like Christmas.
-Yes.
-Unless we're Jewish,
then every day
would be like Easter.
Boys, boys, please, I mean,
Craig, I just met you.
-I'm Trevor.
-Exactly. And I'm gay.
Yeah, but you just had hot,
awesome sex with Mom,
so now maybe you're straight.
It's clear that we were both
just longing
for some physical touch.
We were fucking horny.
Right, exactly,
but our marriage didn't work.
And I'm an independent woman.
I do not like
when people live with...
me.
And I-I feel like maybe I
haven't stressed this enough,
I do fuck men.
Not as often as I'd like,
but whenever I get the chance.
EVELYN: Boys, listen now.
We love you, but...
we will never...
get married again.
This is stupid!
I hate you!
And I hate both of you!
We lost everything
-because of you.
-No.
Now we don't even have
a family?
We can still be a family,
even if your mother and I
aren't together.
No, not the kind we wanted.
You split us up
when we were babies.
I mean, that's fucking psycho!
Boys, we didn't realize
that being lied to
your entire lives
would upset you this much.
But at least
we have each other now.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no. No, Dad.
-EVELYN: Yay! Yay!
-No. No, Mommy.
-Yay. Yay.
-No, Mommy.
-No. No.
-Stop it. Stop it.
-Yay.
-No.
Come on, Craig.
-Trevor.
-Trevor.
-Let's go.
-(SCOFFS)
-Yeah.
-Ugh.
Don't. Don't leave like this.
Oh...
Which one is which?
TREVOR: We can still fix this.
We just need to get
Mom and Dad to...
No, Trevor, just-- No.
-You don't mean that.
-I do.
I-I mean no,
and no means no this time.
I'm done, okay?
This is done.
What are you saying?
I-I don't know
what I'm saying.
I've never felt
this way before.
Usually when I want something,
I get it.
In fact, it almost feels like
society and all its systems
were built so that a man
who looks like me can succeed.
And so, now to want something
and not get it,
it-it makes me feel... feel...
-Feel what, Craig? What?
-Feelings!
Bad ones! And I want to
make them go away!
-This is just like you.
-Excuse me?
To give up.
I bet you give up
on your boner
before it's even fully hard.
Fuck you. I have never
given up on a semi.
My doctors say
I am medically horny.
I never lost anything
until you showed up.
You ruined my life!
You ruined mine, okay?
I knew this wouldn't work!
It would still work if you
weren't a fucking quitter.
We didn't quit. We failed!
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(LOUD CRASH)
Well, if that's how
you feel about it,
then I guess there's nothing
left to say.
I guess not.
Goodbye forever, Craig.
Goodbye to you, too.
For forever.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
Wait, you...
You've lived next to me
this entire time?
I guess so.
That's weird.
Yeah.
That is weird.
No one understands
what I've been through
No one knows
what it's like to be
I just lost
my brother twin
Who also was
my only friend
The only one
who understands
Is...
(BOTH SIGH)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES)
Jesus, Craig.
You look like shit.
I'm fine. Can it.
Hey, that's my job.
Shut up.
No, you shut up.
You know what?
Actually, fuck off.
Get the fuck out of here!
(GROANS)
Oh, hey, hey.
Can I bum one of those?
Man, I already gave you
a whole pack.
Aren't you supposed to be
some sort of hung hotshot?
(SCOFFS) He was once.
But he got fired.
And I heard
that while his penis is large,
it's only slightly
above average.
No. That's not true.
It's very large!
Come back!
-Harris.
-Hmm?
I'm worried.
About us?
No, not about us.
We'll be friends,
and sometimes we'll fuck.
Okay, yes, same page,
precisely.
I was talking about the boys.
Oh, them.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
Should we drown them
in the bathtub
in the old-fashioned way?
(SIGHS)
GOD: They didn't drown them.
They kidnapped them.
(BOTH GASPING)
BOTH: Surprise!
Mom? Dad? What the fuck?
-And where's my beard?
-Where's my beard?
Those beards
were fucking awesome.
Yes.
-No, they were fake.
-And shitty looking.
HARRIS: Exactly.
Boys, we see now that
splitting you up at birth
was borderline abusive,
but parenting's hard.
Everyone makes mistakes,
right?
That's it?
That's why you kidnapped us?
Oh, can you even kidnap
an adult?
-Yes.
-CRAIG: Listen,
we didn't want
to be kidnapped, all right?
-We wanted you to apologize.
-Right.
We are apologizing.
We're sorry that
you're mad at us,
and we'd rather
that you not be.
You know what? We would love
to not be mad at you,
if you would just do
what we want and get married.
Oh, eat me. Not again.
-You two really are stubborn.
-(SEWER BOYS SCREECHING)
You two are stubborn.
Uh-oh, dinnertime.
-Why won't you change for us?
-Yes.
I don't even know
what there is to change.
This, Dad. Change this.
-Oh! Now you've upset them.
-(BOTH SCREECHING)
-Oh.
-Oh. Careful.
They don't like
sudden movements.
-Ugh.
-Oh!
-(TREVOR SCREAMING)
-Oh!
Oh, they're out. They're out.
Ew, ew, ew!
-(HARRIS YELLING)
-Motherfucker!
-Shut up!
-(TOILET FLUSHING)
Backpack. Whisper.
Dear God, no!
Sewer Boys.
My Sewer Boys.
They've returned
to the slimy depths
from whence they came.
(SHUDDERING BREATH)
(PANTING)
They've gone down the pipes.
-Oh.
-HARRIS: Back into the sewers.
I have to go after them.
CRAIG: (WHISPERING)
Go after them?
But he's, like,
40 years old, I bet.
(SIGHS) What do we all
think of this cape?
-(SNICKERS)
-HARRIS: I know,
it's too drab. I'm gonna go
with the Valentino.
EVELYN: Are you sure
this is a good idea?
Sure as schadenfreude.
I'm going in.
A sometimes-gay man
all alone in the sewers?
Seems dangerous.
It is,
but those Sewer Boys,
they're my whole life.
(SIGHS)
Au revoir, my dear.
-(GRUNTS)
-EVELYN: Oh, oh.
-(HARRIS YELLS)
-(EVELYN SCREAMS)
-(LOUD CRASH, WATER SPLASHING)
-HARRIS: Goddamn it.
I just got these pants.
Come on, Mom,
let's get you home.
But Harris is all alone and...
Oh, fuck him.
And what do you care?
Don't you have to go back
to shutting out
the entire world?
I'm 93
No, 94
That's not so bad
I do want
More
(CARRYING NOTE)
(SIGHS)
I'm coming, Harris!
-(LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING)
-What the fuck?
Jesus Christ.
Ugh. We're not going
in there, right?
No fucking way.
-I'm gonna go in.
-Okay, then me, too.
BOTH: Whee!
(LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
I must run
To my boys
I must go
I must run to my boys
-(OTHERS SCREAMING)
-CRAIG: Dad!
My God, they came
Could it be that
I was wrong?
(GASPS)
Was I running
from my family all along?
Harris is so brave
The boys each found
their twin
These men have charged
back in my life
And changed it from within
Up is down
Left is right
And even underground
My world feels bright
I'm sorry we fought
Oh, my God, dude, me, too
My life's so much better
when I am with you
It's not what I wanted
And yet, could it be?
Do we have a family?
I must run
-Harris is so brave
-You're so fucking awesome
-Dude, you're awesome, too
-My life's so much better
-When I am with you
-These men
-Have charged back
-They're here
-In my life
-I fear that I was wrong
I've been running
from my family all along
Do we have a family?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't believe
We are together
Underneath the city
Where it smells like piss
As a unit
We are so much better
I never thought
it would be like this
Also, it smells like piss
It smells like piss
We're all down here together
in the sewer
And it smells like
fucking piss
(SEWER BOYS SCREAMING)
Backpack. Whisper.
MAN: Die, Sewer Boys, die.
Dear God!
-(MAN YELLING)
-HARRIS: No!
No! Oh...
MAN: Die, die, die!
-Oh! Oh, God.
-HARRIS: Oh!
Okay. All right,
all right, all right,
all right, all right.
(COOING)
Mama's gonna need you
to be brave, baby girl.
I know, I know,
but you got this.
All right.
(COOING)
(ROARING)
-(PUSSY GROWLING)
-Oh!
Ooh!
Oh, my God.
Eat my snatch,
you government piece of shit.
Are you all right? Oh...
Jesus, Mom,
your pussy saved the day.
Backpack. Whisper.
-Oh. (KISSES)
-(BOTH PURRING)
(SIGHS)
Wait a minute, are those...
their parents?
They're so fake
and shitty looking.
-(SIGHS)
-TREVOR: All right,
let's grab
the little abortions
and get the fuck out of here.
(SIGHS)
No.
-Let them stay.
-CRAIG AND EVELYN: What?
But you love them.
I do,
but they deserve to be
with their family.
(CHITTERING)
And...
maybe when they're gone...
I'll finally have time
to be with mine.
ALL: Aw...
-Does he mean us?
-TREVOR: Yeah.
-I think he means us.
-Oh, good. Okay.
Goodbye, Backpack.
-Bye.
-Goodbye, Whisper.
SEWER BOY: Goodbye, Daddy.
Take care of yourselves.
Boys, I...
I'm-I'm so sorry.
I was wrong.
And I was wrong.
BOTH: We were wrong, too.
-Mm.
-Big hug?
-Oh, yeah.
-Big hug.
-(HARRIS LAUGHING)
-Family hug.
GOD: And so the twins
finally got the family
they never knew they wanted.
(SEWER FAMILY MUNCHING
AND SLURPING)
GOD: They even decided
to move in together,
to a little shitbox
on the Lower East Side.
(BOTH SIGH)
(GROANING)
No.
No, I don't want...
Whatever.
No, not me. I can't.
(GASPING)
(BOTH SIGH)
-Craig, what's wrong?
-Trevor, what's wrong?
I was having a nightmare.
-A nightmare I was gay.
-Me, too.
I was having a gay nightmare,
and I was gay in it.
Oh, come here. I got you.
-You're not gay.
-You're not gay either.
I've got you.
(SIGHS)
-(SIGHS)
-Oh.
-What is it?
-I don't know.
I guess I just thought that if
I got everything I ever wanted
-I'd somehow feel...
-Complete?
Yeah, but I guess
I still feel...
-Empty inside?
-Yeah.
It's like I just wish
there was...
Someone who has gone through
exactly what you've
gone through
and know exactly how you feel?
Oh, my God,
I do have that person.
-That person is...
-Me.
No. I was gonna say "you."
But, Trevor,
when you say "you,"
it means "me."
I...
I love you, Craig.
I love you, too, Trevor.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPITS)
(SPITS)
(BOTH MOANING)
(NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA
BY ASHLEY FAATOALIA PLAYING)
-(GRUNTING)
-Oh, yeah!
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
-(OBJECTS SHATTERING)
-Aw, fuck!
Oh, yeah! Oh!
(NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA
CONTINUES)
-(SONG ENDS)
-(RHYTHMIC BANGING)
-(CRAIG AND TREVOR GRUNTING)
-What the fuck?
(BOTH SIGH)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, wow.
-(LAUGHS)
-(MOANS)
-That was so hot.
-That was so hot.
And easy. Everything made
sense and was comfortable.
-Easy, easy.
-(SIGHS)
-Anal's easy.
-Anal is easy.
It takes no practice to learn.
I didn't douche.
Did you douche?
I didn't. No. I don't know
what douching is.
CRAIG: Yeah.
(TREVOR SIGHS)
CRAIG: So, then after cumming,
we laid there cuddling
all night.
-It was beautiful.
-I feel so lucky
to have found the only person
in the whole world
who is as smart, awesome,
big-dicked, and smart as me.
And as fate would have it,
the person most like me
is my identical twin. Crazy.
-Crazy.
-It's crazy.
-It's crazy.
-Crazy.
-Babe, look at me.
-Yeah?
-It's crazy.
-I'm sorry, I just...
I find this so moving.
Okay, if anyone has any reason
this couple should not be wed,
speak now or forever
hold your...
-(DOOR BANGS OPEN)
-(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
(SHOUTING ANGRILY)
WOMAN: This is not
what the Bible says.
What the fuck?
You do the math.
This don't work.
Stop, stop, stop,
you fucking assholes!
I command you.
-Why should we listen to you?
-OTHERS: Yeah!
Because I am God!
(ALL GASPING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Now listen and listen good,
you self-righteous,
-judgmental flops.
-(GASPING)
Two twin brothers
marrying each other,
it sounds like an abomination,
and yet, it's not.
Because love in all its forms,
is a divine thing
given to you by me,
who, again, is God.
But, Father,
they're fucking twins.
Is that Sister Tammy?
(SCOFFS) You shouldn't judge.
An apple a day
keeps the doctor away,
-but cum ain't apples.
-(MURMURING)
-Gross!
-Who is?
They are.
I don't do any
of that nasty stuff.
I only have procreative sex
with my wife.
-WOMAN: Yeah!
-Lights off, eyes closed,
just as you intended, my Lord.
Don't put that shit
on me, Steve.
Fucked up men, Yes, men,
took my words
and changed the meaning.
I mean, you sticking
your sloppy hard wiener
into your wife's wet hole?
That's disgusting, too.
Well, goddamn,
if he ain't right about that.
When he explained it
like that,
-I got it.
-I never thought of it
-in that way.
-I mean, it makes sense.
Look at these twins.
They're vile. Misogynists.
(SCOFFS) Pigs. Perverts.
-Depraved little sex pests...
-Okay, we get it, God.
Yeah, relax, God.
But they love themselves,
in every sense of the word.
That's why
I brought them together,
to teach you
that all love is love.
Damn, this story
ended up good.
Oh, fuck it, I'm putting
this one in the Bible.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, Harris.
We share a love
That can't be ignored
A love sent to us
From our holy fucking Lord
This guy. (GIGGLES)
I have no pussy
And I'm straight and gay
BOTH:
People may judge us
But this is what we'll say
All love is love
Even when it's ugly
All love is love
Even when it's wrong
All love is love
Like a woman who fucks men
made out of sand
All love is gross
But all love is love
You are my brother
My family, my kin
We share a bond
That comes
from deep within
But our love has grown
Now it's ancient
and divine
We'll fuck
each other's assholes
Till we can't tell yours
from mine
All love is love
Even when it's ugly
All love is love
Even when it's wrong
All love is love
Like a man who gets
a blow job from a horse
-Wow.
-All love is gross
But all love is love
-Oh!
-Oh!
I now pronounce
these twin brothers
legally married.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CHUCKLES)
That's got to be a first.
That's got to be a first.
God loves all of you
because God is all of you.
God is man and woman.
God is Black and white.
God is straight and gay.
What, hold on, what?
You're gay?
-GOD: Yeah, obviously...
-(ALL GASP)
...amongst other things,
but my point is that...
No, totally, we hear you.
God is gay.
All love is love
All love is love
God is a faggot
And all love is love
That's not exactly my point.
All love is love
All love is love
God is a faggot
and all love is love
All love is love
All love is love
God is a faggot
and all love is love
Everybody!
(ALL SINGING)
Sing along!
Can't hear you.
TREVOR AND CRAIG:
You're a bigot!
-All love is love
-That's what I said.
-All love is love
-GOD: Even incest.
-All love is love
-GOD: Love a fruit.
All love is love
-Hallelujah!
-All love is love
-All love is love
-All love is love
All love is love
-All love is love
-Oh
-All love is love
-God is a faggot
-All love is love
-Sing God is a faggot
-All love is love
-Oh, God is a faggot
-All love is love
-Yeah
All love is love
Yay, yeah!
(BOTH SINGING)
Check out
the New New Testament.
Coming this Christmas.
-(ALL CHEERING)
-And all love
Is love
(CARRYING NOTE)
(MUSIC ENDS)
The end.
(LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPS)
-Surprise!
-Surprise!
Oh, I looked
right into camera.
(LAUGHING)
It doesn't really go in there.
(MAN SPEAKING)
-Spit it?
-MAN: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, we can.
(NATHAN LANE LAUGHING)
Uh, whatever. Y'all fucked up.
(LAUGHING)
Kids, listen, we love you, but
we will never... get married.
(LAUGHING)
BOTH: Mom?
Let's go home
and discuss it, eh?
Let's go home
and get in the bed
and discuss it in my puss.
(LAUGHS)
CRAIG: ...if you do what
we want and get married.
-(GROANS)
-Oh, for fuck's sake.
Eat me.
(LAUGHING)
Tiddles. Titties. Craig.
Trevor Brock.
My two top salesmen.
I feel like it says "Titties."
I keep forgetting.
(LAUGHTER)
(GASPS)
Of all the humiliations
I've had in show business,
and they are legion,
this may be the most
humiliating moment...
-(LAUGHTER)
-...I've ever had.
(MAN SPEAKING)
(COUGHS)
(JOSH SHARP SPEAKING)
-(AARON JACKSON SPEAKING)
-(LAUGHS)
MAN: Set.
My prize pig.
CRAIG: I wanna be a prize pig.
Hey, baby,
you could be a prize pig
in my bed when I fuck you.
(LAUGHTER)
-Okay.
-(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I am the lady, the bitch,
the boss, rich...
Don't put a gender
on my title.
Yeah, and, lady,
I'm Craig, so...
Lady? Yes, um, well...
I forgot what the fuck
I was supposed to say.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, this time,
let's improvise.
-(LAUGHTER)
-Oh, God, no.
That's-that's bad.
'Cause then it's just
a lot of potty talk.
-Mom!
-Dad!
-Dad?
-Mommy!
MAN: Cut!
I hope he's a big macho guy
like me.
Um, yeah, listen, I would love
to talk about that, obviously,
but this is actually Mom's
house, so I got to go now.
Oh, God!
(LAUGHING)
Okay, bye-bye. (LAUGHS)
MAN: Yeah, that's good,
but I think
also maybe a little more
open-handed, if possible.
-Okay.
-MAN: Yeah, like that.
-That's good. Okay, good.
-Yeah. Oh, God.
-MAN: Thank you.
-Oh, God.
-Ugh. God...
-MAN: Oh, God.
Open-handed pussy.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-(CRIES OUT)
-(LAUGHING)
-Hop on.
-(GRUNTS)
Yeah, get right under here,
-you'll feel much better.
-Okay.
EVELYN: Oh. Oh.
HARRIS: Oh!
(EVELYN SPEAKING)
Shh.
Shh.
-I loved a girl some...
-Shh. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)
Single-parent families
are not homes, that's true.
Single-parent homes
are not families, that's true.
Single-parent families are not
homes, that's true. Fuck!
(LAUGHING)
That's-that's my other
autobiography title.
-(LAUGHTER)
-"Fresh bag of ham."
No! No!
No! (COUGHS)
Surprise, I'm in this movie.
(LAUGHTER)
I do want
More...
(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
And cut.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
It's a gay old life
-Being queer
-I have no pussy
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)