Did I Do That to the Holidays? A Steve Urkel Story (2022) Movie Script

The holiday season is here.
And I've been knitting
the perfect sweater
for Ugly Sweater Day.
Just so you know,
I don't think you're ugly.
I could spend forever
in your arms...
Your itchy, scritchy-scratchy
wool arms.
So nice.
Thanks, Urkelbot.
Now that it's officially
the holiday season,
this room feels
so November. Ugh.
But this is the perfect time
for me to try out
my newest invention.
Steve Urkel Industries presents
the Decemberizer!
With a simple flip of a switch,
the holidays are
at your fingertips.
[breathes heavily]
Oh, no.
Oh! Bright lights.
I love December
It's my favorite month
of the year
From the first to the 31st
I celebrate
all that good cheer
I love December
I don't mean other months
are not great
I don't want them to feel
a way
But it's not up for debate
Shh! Shh! Steve! Keep it down!
I can't keep it down,
my postal pal!
Do you know that I've been
waiting 334 days for it
to be December again?
And now that it's here,
I can't waste a minute of it.
I love putting up
a Christmas tree
And hanging up a wreath
But I also love
a Kwanzaa feast
Flossing corn
out of my teeth
I love celebrating Hanukkah
Sometimes I get to light
the menorah
I love snowball fights
with my snow-bot army
This year
I'm coming for ya!
There's so many great days
in December
It's hard to pick
my favorite
So I celebrate them
one and all
So I can really savor it
It's just like that documentary
The Purge.
Everyone for themselves.
No, Mr. Kalan.
It's just Steve Urkel.
Oh, right. It's December.
Oh, I love December
It's the number one gathering
of days
It starts on the 335th
Alternatively 336th
on a leap year
Not if you use
a lunar calendar.
What? I'm just trying
to be inclusive.
I love December
It's the best month
of the bunch
There's no fighting
on Boxing Day
But there still might be
some punch
Las Posadas is nine nights
of worship
Omisoka's day of cleansing
and fun
With the Festivus
for the rest of us
There's something
for everyone
Steve! All the singing
and dancing is gonna
wake everybody up.
[echoing] Everybody up,
everybody up, everybody up.
Well, not to quibble,
but technically,
you're being a lot louder
than me, right now.
The holidays
have traditions
They shouldn't be forgotten
To not respect them at all
Would really be
quite rotten
It's not just about
presents and toys
These holidays
have meanings
They bring
families together
Despite their
political leanings
This season isn't
just a day
We decorate
a Christmas tree
We must never
forget December's
When we celebrate
the baby Jay-Z
-[Jay-Z] Sagittarius
in the building, ho!
I love December
It's my favorite month
of the year
From the first to the 31st
I celebrate
all the good cheer
Yes, he loves December
He celebrates every holiday
But that's still no excuse
for waking us up
on a Saturday
Oh, good, you're up!
Happy holidays, Mrs. Paxson.
I'm looking forward
to your eggnog cookies
this year.
Uh, don't skimp
on the cinnamon.
Happy Early Hanukkah,
Mr. Kalan.
That's not a thing.
It's just Hanukkah.
And it hasn't started yet.
But that doesn't mean
you can't get a head start
on celebrating.
Anybody need help getting
holiday lights out of
a musty basement?
Kochiyama family?
I'm looking at you.
Steve, dear.
What we need is sleep.
But, I let you sleep in
this year!
Sure, compared to last year,
when you woke us up
at midnight!
I just want this holiday season
to be the best it can be!
And that means we can't waste
a minute of it!
-As one of Santa's helpers.
One of Santa's
"unofficial" helpers,
I want everything to be perfect
for the big guy
when he arrives. It's my job...
Not your job.
...to make sure there's enough
good cheer spread
into every nook and cranny
of this month.
It's not
an English muffin, kid.
It's a month where we buy
more candles and wrapping paper
than usual.
Oh, I beg to differ,
It's Mr. K! Smell the air!
It's different
during the holidays.
Smells the same to me.
Like snow
and pumpkin spiced garbage.
You can't get that in July,
which is why Santa doesn't
show up in the summer.
He shows up in December
because Santa's drawn
to the lumens of string lights,
the pollen of mistletoe,
the euphoria of giving gifts
and higher concentrations
of goodwill.
I always assumed
it was the Christmas carols?
Those too.
Now who wants to head
to the mall for a little
mall-iday window shopping?
Steve, how can I put this
-What he said.
Well, that was not the answer
I expected.
Here's a thought!
You all rest up.
Dream some holiday
themed dreams.
And when I get back,
I'll be going door to door
to test and untangle
everyone's holiday lights!
These holidays aren't gonna
celebrate themselves!
[doorbell buzzes]
This package needs a signature.
I know you're in there,
Mrs. Paxson.
[Jordan] Go, get him!
Guard up on him!
He can shoot!
Oh! Time out, time out.
Steve! Wait up!
Hey, thanks for fixing up
the court man. It's amazing!
Aw, no sweat Jordan!
Well except for the sweat
on the court.
[chuckles and snorts]
I'm glad that
my microwave powered,
climate controlled concrete
is a hit!
Microwave powered? Wait, wait!
Is it going to stunt our growth
or anything?
Not at all. My Urkel Industries
patent-pending Clima-Crete
is perfectly safe.
If anything, it might make you
grow a few inches.
-[chuckles] No.
You're probably never gonna get
taller than five foot ten,
just basing that on your
general bone density
and family history. Sorry.
Now Horace
on the other hand, whew,
you might hit seven feet!
Hey, uh, you should
take your jacket off
and stay a while.
As much as I'd love
to impress you
with this killer cross over,
I've gotta head to the mall!
It's a big day!
They're lighting up
the giant Christmas tree.
-What? They like plug it in?
Over two thousand
twinkling lights
and shiny ornaments!
I like to oversee
the stringing of the garland.
Make sure the popcorn
to cranberry ratio isn't off.
Do you get paid to do that?
No. It's sort of a
volunteer position I created.
It's tough and tasty work
but someone has to do it.
The city's gotta be perfect
for when the big guy arrives
on his sleigh!
Oops! I almost walked off
with the rock.
Hey Horace! No look pass!
Whoa? What! What the?
Steve! What'd you do?
You're always saying
how you want to make it rain
buckets on the court,
so there you go!
I built a rain machine.
Although I don't know
why you'd want to play b-ball
in the rain. It seems slippery.
But I guess that's how
the Splash Brothers
got started.
Did you know
the Splash Brothers
are not really brothers?
On, no... is that?
Doh, it's the holiday boy.
Nope. Not today.
He can catch the next bus.
Ah! There's something
wrong with this bus.
-Ah! Here! Let me help you!
-Hey! Hey! Hey! Put me down!
I'm on a schedule here.
I need you all to scoot.
Thanks for riding the Metro...
You old weirdos.
-[old lady] I'm okay.
Happy holidays,
Sheryl the bus driver!
Ugh! Holiday boy.
Take me to the Twin Ferns Mall
and step on it!
And by "step on it,"
I mean "drive safely and make
all of your scheduled stops."
And we're on our way!
Dashing through the snow
on a city bus
Nope! Not this year!
No singing!
I'm going to need you
to dial your energy down
to about a three.
Out of nine hundred.
Starting today,
the Twin Ferns Mall
gets its annual mall-iday
Giant snowflakes hang
from the ceiling.
Tinsel everywhere.
Oh, there's nothing like
seeing the first fake snow
of the season.
Picking out a Christmas tree...
scented candle.
Ooh, I do love
a scented candle.
The holiday spirit's
all over the mall...
Boy! If you don't stop singing,
I'm gonna make a call.
From the fancy soap store
Exfoliate your pores
Smell like gingerbread
and apple cider!
I'm having some trouble
with a rider.
The mall-iday season
is what I sing of
When department store windows
show mannequins in love
[bus dispatch] Sheryl,
should we, uh, call the police?
[exhales] No, no.
Just get him
to stop singing please.
Showing off the best pants
for cold weather
While chopping down
a Christmas tree together
[bus dispatch]
It's a winter wonderland
with escalators!
He got to you?
Jerry, you are such a traitor!
Head up to the food court
and don't take too long
Or you'll miss
the first graders
Sing the dreidel song
That is cute, okay.
But no! Stop singing!
Now, if you are hungry
there's a store
that sells ham
And the Chef Shop
where they'll teach you
to candy a yam
While convincing you
to buy a multi-cooker
Is that like a crock pot?
[Jerry singing]
Kinda sorta
but it's even cooler
Why are you helping him?
'Cause it's a
winter wonderland
with escalators!
The parking lot's got a rink
for ice skaters!
Now he got to you too?
And last but not least
The true star of the show
Department Store Santa's
there to hear all your wishes
Right now my wishes
is for you to shush-es
His elves walk you
into his village
And up to his sleigh
So you can have a photo
of a great mall-iday!
'Cause it's a winter
wonderland with escalators!
[Jerry] Come on, Sheryl,
don't be such a hater!
All right, fine.
It's a winter wonderland
with escalators!
compliant elevators!
There's not much more
we can say
We can't wait
for the mall-iday
This is why I don't like it
when you sing!
You get my hopes up.
I don't understand!
Where are the mall-idays?
[sighs] Looks like
I'm finishing my route
after all.
Wait, is that a sale
at Tanya's Confidential?
30% off?
Excuse me!
Um, why isn't the giant
Christmas tree up?
Is it on the way?
Is it stuck in traffic
along with the giant
inflatable dreidel
that is usually in the
parking lot wishing everyone
a Chag Sameach?
Business has been slow
at the mall,
so they figured why bother
with a big tree and decorations
this year.
Wha? Santa is not going
to like this!
Oh! Don't worry,
we still got a tree. See?
Pretty nice, right?
A very merry mall-iday to you!
Where's the tinsel?
Where's the candy cane
colored clothes hangers?
Where's the apple cider!
It just smells like pretzels
in here!
Why hasn't the piercing booth
become a gift wrapping station
It's too cold to get
a nose ring!
Oh, thank goodness.
Welcome to Santa's Village.
Are you ready
for a holly, jolly time?
Is this place?
Where's all the tinsel?
The lights and fake snow?
It's the mall-idays!
Come on, people!
-Who are you?
-Steve Urkel.
I'm one of Santa's helpers.
Really? Then why am I
the one wearing a nametag
and dressed like an elf?
What? You're an elf?
I figured you were
some bored kid
with weird taste in shoes.
[laughs] My shoes? Look at you!
Are you rocking saddle shoes?
Oh, I am. And when I click
my heels together,
they can do this.
Perhaps purple and gold
is more your speed?
Or maybe black and green?
How about red bottoms?
-Okay, those are pretty cool!
Thank you.
I created an LED leather.
[laughs] I don't need to know
the science.
Just take the compliment,
Steve Urkel.
It's taken like bacon.
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
[laughs] You're kind of corny.
Hmm, corn. Nom, nom, nom...
[laughing] Okay, okay.
My name's Robin.
You want to meet Santa?
Well, to be clear,
Department Store Santa.
-You can just call him Santa.
-Oh, no!
There's an
important distinction!
Not to minimize the role
of the DSS...
Department Store Santa.
It's more than a job,
it's a calling.
Department Store Santas
hear the wishes of children.
There's tall Santas,
short Santas,
Santas of every shape, size
and gender.
Department Store Santas
must be of the highest caliber.
With ears that can hear
the voices of the
shiest children.
They must have the nicest
of beards.
Not too long,
but not too groomed
that they seem aloof.
A Department Store Santa
has healthy knee cartilage
to provide support
for the husky child.
And a Santa suit so soft
it feels like a cloud.
And so red it can be seen
in the dark.
These heroes take up
the thankless mantle
that comes with sitting
in that sleigh!
I am honored to be
in the presence
of such greatness.
And a little bummed out
that there aren't more people
here to witness his majesty.
Hey, you there!
Gaze upon this greatness!
I'm gonna keep gazing
on these sales, but thank you!
Sheryl, what's your twenty?
Uh, the snow is really
slowing things down.
[making static noises]
I'm [static noises] losing
[static noises] you.
[static noises]
Can't [static noises] hear
[static noises] anything.
Robin, I don't want to quibble,
but if you want to
impress Santa,
you might want to open
that gate with little more
Let's take it again,
but this time with some pizazz!
Look, Steve, I get that
you're a fan of Santa.
-A helper of Santa.
-No. I am a helper of Santa.
Sure, the department store
Boy, stop it!
You can go through
this gate and meet Santa
or me and these mall issued
jingly bells will pizzazz you
out of this place.
I'll go with the first option!
Aagh! What's happening?
-The Purge?
-Hey there, big guy!
So great to see you
this year, DSS.
Now my name should be
on one of your lists.
Hopefully the "nice" one.
All right, all right.
Just slow down, kid.
Slow down, now.
Santa gotta do a few warm up
Oh, sure, sure. Take your time.
[in normal voice] Ho...
[low-pitched] Ho...
[high-pitched] Ho.
[higher-pitched] Ho-ho-ho.
[clears throat] Okay, I got it.
Oh, gimme a break!
I'm a little rusty!
Got to come in here
for these ho-ho-ho's.
I don't get to practice them.
Now, what would you like
for Christmas, uh...
[whispers] Steve Urkel, sir.
What would you like
for Christmas, Steve Urkel sir?
I only want one thing
this year.
One thing?
That's very considerate of you
to keep Santa's bag light.
So what is it?
A new video game system?
A puppy dog?
Please don't say world peace.
-Are we taking a picture now?
No, I want cheese
for Christmas!
Hmm, cheese?
You thinking like
a grocery store cheese plate
with some charcuterie?
Maybe a cheese of the month
club type of thing?
Not quite. This year,
I'd like a taste of
one of the rarest,
most exquisite cheeses
in the world.
Ooh. You're a boy
after my own heart.
I like a fine cheese.
-[camera shutter clicks]
-Stop it! Stop it!
What are we talking about?
A stilton? A Manchego?
A nice camembert?
Serbian donkey cheese!
-Serbia who now?
-Serbian donkey cheese.
Do that sell that
at one of those fancy
grocery stores?
You have to travel to Serbia...
Where you must take
a ferry to a small,
remote village,
there atop a mountain
that can only be reached
on foot,
lives one cheese monger
who has perfected the art
of milking donkeys.
Eww. Gross.
Which isn't easy,
because donkeys don't produce
much milk and they kick. A lot.
Let me get this straight.
You want cheese
from a tiny horse?
For Christmas?
Serbian donkey cheese
is expensive!
That's more than
I pay in rent!
You sure you don't want
a puppy?
I can't. Allergies.
Aw! You're allergic to dogs?
No. Dogs are allergic to me.
The sound of my voice,
to be exact.
The decibel range is a little
too harsh for their sensitive
Okay. Well, Santa will see
what he can do
about your cheese.
Oh! Robin!!
Okay. Who's ready for a photo?
Donkey cheese!
People are really missing out
on capturing a special moment
like this!
Why is your phone so old?
It looks like it could be
my phone's grandmother!
Electronic waste is such a huge
environmental problem,
so rather than buy a new phone,
I figured it might be nice
to see if I could breathe
new life into something old.
Oh, sure.
Kind of like rebooting
an old movie or TV show?
Hey, I should post this photo.
Once people see me having
all this holiday fun,
they'll want to get their photo
with DSS
and that'll kickstart
a yuletide celebration
that will pique
Santa's interest!
[exhales] Okay.
And just like that
we're viral, baby!
I'm an influenza!
You mean influencer?
Not when you're this viral!
I'm taking away my like.
Oh! Whoa, mama!
Guess who is going live
right now?
Dudley Von Durffel!
-The billionaire?
-The tech genius!
Who is a billionaire.
People call him
the "real life Bruce Wayne."
In that he has unresolved
trauma at the tragic loss
of his parents?
No! Because he's crazy rich!
The guy owns a yacht
that is also a hot air balloon!
No, having a yacht air balloon
isn't what makes him cool.
Dudley Von Durffel is cool
because he sees innovation
where others don't.
Hello! Wave emoji! Wave emoji!
It's me, Dudley Von Durffel.
Just maxxin' and chillaxin'
poolside 20,000 feet in the air
and I figured why not check in
with my Von Durffollowers.
Is he bored and desperately
looking for connection
to feed the insatiable appetite
of his growing ego?
Ugh, thumbs down emoji!
I just want to get
to know my peeps, VDI!
Huh? Again?
Let's find someone cool
to interface with.
Ugh! Here's a person:
That's me.
How is your phone's camera
better than mine?
Hello, Dudley!
I'm such a huge fan!
I'm an inventor myself.
It appears he is a five time
winner of his state's science
Uh, okay, well, I was
a nine time state
science fair champ.
Right? I want to give you
some advice, @steveurkel.
-Oh, just Steve is fine.
-@steveurkel... you need
to stop inventing.
And start disrupting!
I've got to be honest, Steve.
Disrupting things seems like
it could upset people.
Maybe @steveurkel's friend--
Facial recognition says
her name is Robin Robles.
You know that I'm not using
names anymore!
The future of communication
is handles! Okay!
On the socials I'm @robirob381.
Thank you! @robirob381.
There was a time when people
traveled everywhere
by horse drawn carriage, okay.
But then Henry Ford
disrupted all of that
with the automobile.
Does that make Henry Ford
a bad guy?
Not for the car stuff,
but definitely for some
of the other stuff.
Fair point... He was...
He was not a good person.
No. He was a real l-o-s-3-r.
Auto correcting.
He means "loser."
Inventing is giving people
what they want!
Now disrupting is grabbing
people by the collar
and yanking them
into the future! Yeah.
Huh? what do you think
he means by... Help!
When a great idea's
inside your head
You rush to write it down
Now you might misspell
a word or two
But the genius
is what's sound
Sure, you could move
real slowly
Dot every "i"
Cross every "t"
But all that
quadruple checking
Doesn't cut the edge
of technology
You can't wait to see
who's ready
Can't ask "Is this okay?"
Just make something amazing
That'll blow everyone away
And when you start
to build it
You don't want
to be delayed
You gotta get it
to the people
Give their lives
a big upgrade
So you gotta move fast
Break things
Move fast
Break things
Ask for forgiveness after
You've delivered joy
and laughter
You gotta move fast
Break things
Move fast
Break things
By disrupting
everybody's world
It only happens
when you move fast
And break things
Uh, moving fast sounds
kind of dangerous.
That's how accidents happen.
Accidents happen
all the time
We trip, we stumble
We bump our noggin
If we stop moving forward
people point
They laugh, make memes
They start mockin'
In the world of tech
There will be bugs
OS flaws
and backend mistakes
Don't wanna be
a laughingstock?
Well, don't stop
whenever something breaks
This world
is our laboratory
Everything around us
is just data
So instead of saying
"Did I do that"
Just shrug and say
"It's still in beta!"
And then
Move fast
Break things
Move fast
Break things
Ask for forgiveness after
You've delivered
joy and laughter
No, you gotta move fast
Break things
Move fast
Break things
Let your inventions rock
everybody's world
It only happens
when you move fast
It only happens
when you move fast
It only happens
when you move fast
Ba de ba da ba da
And break things
Wow! Okay, now I want
to find something to disrupt!
Look, I'm not sitting
in my own yacht air balloon
because I waited for permission
to change the world.
No. I just changed it
and this baby is
a very expensive,
really, like really,
fuel inefficient thank you gift
for myself. Yeah.
Whoa! Whoa!
Keep it steady, VDI!
We've got some choppy
skies up here.
You see, this is why we need
to get rid of the wind!
Ugh. @steveurkel,
look around you.
Is there something
that you see that
could be better for society?
Hmm. Since it's the holidays,
maybe there's a way to spread
even more holiday cheer?
Well, if you think the holidays
need shaking up,
then find a way
to disrupt them, buddy.
The nicest thing you can do
for people
is disrupt their lives
for the better.
-All right.
-I'm going to disrupt
the holidays.
Look at that.
You've already started.
Thanks, Urkelbot.
If this is going to become
the best holiday ever,
I need to become
Santa's Number One Elf.
Ooh! Even better!
Santa's Urkelf! But what to do?
Hmm. We might be pulling
an all-nighter.
Ah! I think I've got it!
Oh, that's good.
That's really good.
Ow, that's hot!
That's really hot!
One hot cocoa,
milk and two sugars.
You catch the game last night?
Nobody was rebounding!
And then they had the nerve
to just play zone defense
for a bunch of possessions.
Good morning, festive friends!
What are you doing here?
Wait, are you one of those kids
that wants to pull on
Santa's beard?
Collect the hair to make
a pillow that hears
your wishes?
I've heard about creepy
Santa super fans like you.
I'm not a super fan!
I'm here
in an official capacity.
[exhales] You're not
one of Santa's helpers.
Well, technically speaking,
I'm one of Santa's disrupters!
It's a different department
than helper!
I'm here to make sure
the holidays are operating
at peak performance,
and that means making sure
everyone has a great holiday,
even you, big guy.
I was thinking since people
aren't coming to the mall
as much,
how could we get more people
to see DSS?
Start a podcast?
Last night, inspiration struck.
Kids still need to see Santa,
so I built something to help
spread a little of that
mall-iday cheer.
I made you an app
that lets kids call you
whenever they want.
You built an app overnight?
And you're still this chipper?
Hmm. That's a pretty
great idea, Steve.
So the kids and I
can connect virtually?
Even better.
Let me see your phone.
Don't go through my photos.
Just... bringing it online.
-What the--
-That's right.
Why just talk to Santa
on your phone
when you can have him
delivered to your door
with the press of a button.
You failed to mention the part
where you also built engine
powered reindeer.
Oh, no no no no no!
I do not like this idea!
What the Monterey Jack!
Steve! Stop this thing!
Take us back to the mall!
But you don't want
to disappoint the kid
who just requested you!
Fine! Fine! But at least
slow this thing down!
On it.
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, my gosh! Oh! Oh, my heart!
Ho-ho-ho! Hey there. Uh...
Hold up, Steve. Are you an elf?
Did you go through the
six week training program?
Oh. My mistake.
Scottie Harper.
Hello, Scottie.
Why don't you
hop on Santa's lap
and we can discuss--
-[Urkel] Uh-oh.
-What is "Uh-oh," Steve?
-[Department Store
Santa screams]
-[Scottie yelps]
[Department Store
Santa exclaiming]
How're you do--
When I was burning
the midnight oil... [exclaims]
I may have
forgotten to... [exclaims]
create a subroutine...
to manage the requests...
So, every kid who's
requesting Santa right now
is going
to get Santa right now?
[all shouting]
[Department Store
Santa shouting indistinctly]
[Department Store
Santa] Steve!
[exclaiming continues]
Oh, relax, big guy.
It's just a little hiccup.
[Department Store
Santa shouts,
exclaims indistinctly]
A hiccup? Steve,
shut it down! Shut it down!
Take us back
to the mall right now!
-Right now!
[all whimpering, exclaiming]
Steve, you might wanna
hold on to something!
[all screaming]
Nope. No critters
on my bus.
[all continue screaming]
[debris clattering]
[grunts] Whoa, Nelly!
Wait a minute.
Department Store Santa?
[Department Store
Santa] Steve!
-[yelps, grunts]
-[objects clatter]
[groans softly]
Did I do that?
[laugh track plays]
What is wrong with you?
[strains, grunts]
I just wanted everyone
to have an amazing holiday.
And you figured you'd do that
by blowing up my sleigh
and destroying my pants?
I have no pants.
I have no pants!
-But you do have
very classy underpants.
-[grunts angrily]
These are bugs
that can be easily fixed.
As Dudley Von Durffel
likes to say--
Dudley Von Durffel
didn't do this, Steve.
You did.
There's a city full of kids
who didn't get to see Santa,
but did see
a bunch of reindeer explode!
And to top it off,
you destroyed Pretzelegance.
[man crying]
Please, DSS,
this was a beta test.
[reindeer head
crackles, whines, thuds]
I can iron out these
wrinkles, get you back up
and running in no time.
We're all Team Santa here.
No, Steve.
This is what
I've been trying to tell you.
You're not
one of Santa's helpers. I am.
I mean, I was until
you destroyed Santa's Village.
"Destroyed" seems
like a bit of an exaggeration.
[objects creak, thud]
[Urkel] Well, uh...
"Destroyed" makes sense.
Do you wanna know
why I was working here?
I wanted to surprise my dad
this year and get him
some ESL classes.
He's from Ecuador
and he always worries
his English isn't good enough.
So, I thought
it would be a great gift.
That is really thoughtful.
But thanks to you, now I can't.
Robin, I didn't mean
to destroy anything.
I just wanted
to help make the holidays
the best they can be.
You-- You wanna help?
Don't help.
Stay away, very far away.
You've ruined everything.
If I were you,
I wouldn't even count
on any horsey cheese.
Uh, donkey cheese.
Huh? Mm? Mm.
[indistinct chatter on TV]
[laughter, applause on TV]
From mall-iday to malady,
Christmas is under attack!
[bystanders screaming]
Did I do that?
Did I do that?
Did I do that?
[slowed audio]
Did I do that?
Oh, ho, ho,
he did do that, America.
That bespectacled bully
made a fool of Santa Claus.
And since
now I'm showing it to you
on national television,
he made a fool of Santa Claus
on national television.
Steve, how can you
watch that lady?
Every week,
she's finding a new thing
that is "destroying America."
Last week it was empanadas,
and empanadas are amazing!
My only regret, it took me
so long to learn that.
Urkelbot likes her show.
Probably a good thing
Urkelbot can't talk.
Or vote.
grinding, creaking]
We just wanted to make sure
you were feeling okay
after you blew up the mall.
He didn't blow up the mall.
Sorry. Just a bunch
of reindeer and Pretzelegance.
which, good riddance.
Ow! Hey, I'm old.
Mr. Kalan's right.
I messed up the mall-idays.
DSS and Robin are mad at me.
But it's not just that.
I mess up everything.
I ruined Jordan's
basketball game
with his friends,
I woke the neighborhood up
super early.
Steve, you're being
too hard on yourself.
Look, you might be a little...
A bumbling,
butter-fingered klutz?
I was gonna say, eager.
But we all know
your heart is in
the right place.
Dudley Von Durffel said
I should disrupt people's lives
for the better.
But when I tried,
I made everything worse.
So, I was thinking,
maybe I was disrupting
the wrong thing.
Maybe what I need to disrupt
this holiday season is myself.
Don't tell me,
you've built a contraption
that's going to turn you
into some sort
of smooth-talking cool guy.
Not at all.
Being cool has
never been my problem.
Behold, my newest invention.
I call it a nice ticker.
It's an okay ticker.
No, it's called a nice ticker.
It will help me make sure
the holidays are great
by keeping me
from screwing them up.
Every year, I go over
to Mr. Kalan's to help him
light his menorah.
-And my drapes.
So, the watch told me that,
this year, I should send
Urkelbot in my place.
You want me
to celebrate Hanukkah
with your robot?
His latkes are delicious.
He makes them with
ricotta cheese.
That sounds
like something from
one of those fancy food shows.
-[watch beeps]
-See, Mr. K's holiday
just got a little better.
The more things I do right,
the more points I'll get
while making sure
we stay on track for
a wonderful holiday
that Santa will love!
Oh, Steve.
If you weren't covered
in grease, I'd hug you.
-[Urkelbot drones]
-No, thank you, robot.
Steve, honey,
the holidays are great
because you're a part of them.
Yeah, Steve.
Isn't today Jay-Z's birthday?
Why don't we all
go Jay-Z caroling?
That would be a wonderful thing
we can all do together.
-[watch buzzes]
-Hmm. The watch
says I shouldn't.
But, Steve, you love
singing loudly on the street.
You can sing the curse words.
Let's be honest.
I bet I'd get really excited
singing "Hard Knock Life,"
and accidentally step
on Mrs. Kochiyama's foot,
which would then
make her jump in pain.
She'd slip on
an icy patch of sidewalk
and go tumbling into Mr. Kalan,
causing him to break his hip.
That does sound like
something you could do,
and something that
my hip could do.
Yep, it all tracks for me.
And then, he'd have
to spend Hanukkah
in the hospital.
So, I'd ruin another holiday.
-[watch beeps]
-See, I'm
already scoring points.
Oh, this is great.
You all go. Have fun.
Okay, but it won't be
the same without you.
-[watch beeps]
-According to my data,
it will be 47% better.
Robot, if I fall asleep,
that's not permission for you
to turn my microwave against me
for your robot uprising!
I know what goes on
among youse.
I read books. I got Wi-Fi.
Hey, Urkel, come here.
We could use another player.
This snowman really
isn't playing much D.
-[watch buzzes]
The last time I was here,
I got everybody
soaked with rain.
I should probably
sit this one out. Thanks.
[watch buzzes]
Okay, holiday boy,
we've gone a mile and a half,
and you haven't
sung a single thing.
-What's up, huh?
-You don't like singing.
And I don't
wanna ruin your day.
So, no singing for me.
So, you're just
gonna sit there all quiet,
even as the wheels on the bus
go round and round?
-Round and round,
round and round?
-[muffled exclaiming]
-[watch beeps]
Have a nice evening,
Sheryl, the bus driver.
You, too, holiday boy.
[Jerry over radio]
The wipers on the bus
go swish, swish, swish...
-It was cute when
he does it, Jerry, not you!
-[radio beeps]
Hey, Steve.
What are you doing here?
I wanted to say sorry
I messed up everything
at Santa's Village.
Thanks. I appreciate that
you came here to apologize.
I know I'm not one
of Santa's official helpers.
But I made you something
that I hope will make
your holiday a little better.
Steve Urkel Industries
proudly presents
my latest invention,
The ESL-met.
It takes
anything you say or hear
and translates it
automatically into
the language of your choice.
[ESL-met speaking Spanish]
If my dad ever needs
to slay a talking dragon
or sing a rap hook,
I'll hit you up.
But I don't think he's much
of a helmet-to-work guy.
[ESL-met speaking Spanish]
That's cool, Steve,
but I wanted to get my dad
ESL classes myself.
Sometimes, he helps me
with my school work.
[chuckles] He'll make up
silly songs to help me
remember math equations.
It's corny, but I like getting
to spend that time with him.
I don't know.
I guess I just figured
it'd be fun
to do the same for him.
Trust me.
I've crunched the numbers
and run simulations.
Your dad is going to love this.
He's going to have
the best Christmas ever,
and you're going to have
a great holiday because of it.
-[watch beeps]
Is that a step counter?
It's my newest invention
to help me make sure
everyone has
the best holiday ever.
It's keeping score
of everything I do to hack
this holiday season.
Who are you keeping score for?
He's only going to come
if everything and everyone
is perfect. Even me.
You'll see,
my science is sound.
Look, your wreath is crooked.
Hm. Looks fine to me.
Nope. It's off
by three degrees.
Now, that might seem small.
But it could be the difference
between someone walking by
and feeling joy to the world,
or simply mild satisfaction
with the globe.
Joy, mild satisfaction.
Joy, mild satisfaction.
Joy, mild satisfaction.
Point, no point.
Point, no point.
Point, point, point, point.
You make a good point
Point, point, point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Everywhere I go
I'm trying to be nice
Help a bunch of people
So I can rise up
Santa's leaderboard
Doing all these good deeds
And prove to everybody
I'm the help he needs, ooh
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Those inflatable decorations
look okay
They'd look better
With an Urkel
patent-pending light display
Who wants to go caroling
With all this snow
under their feet?
Score some points to build
Something to shovel
the street, ooh
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
I'm showing everybody
That I got what it takes
To spread the holiday spirit
Without making mistakes
Santa's gonna be impressed
When he sees what I've done
This city's full
of nice points
And I've just begun, ooh
Spreading holiday cheer
ain't some game you can win
It's a feeling
that comes from within
Sure, you can fix a wreath
Or decorate some trees
But I think you might have
misplaced your priorities
[people scream]
Gifts are great
When they mean something more
Than an empty attempt
just to raise your score
If you cared
about my feelings
Then you should've come too
Not some dumb watch
telling you
What it thinks
you should do
Oh, points
Point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
-Point, point, point
-You make a point?
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
You're missing the point
Point, point, point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Point, point, point
Point, point
Steve, you're
missing the point.
Happy mall-idays.
I hope you have a wonderful
shopping experience.
Where's that holiday smile?
[watch beeps]
Hey, Mrs. P.
Doing some malI-iday shopping?
Yep. Got all my presents
for my sister's family.
Can I count on you to help me
gift-wrap everything this year?
I'll make eggnog cookies
and we can watch a scary movie.
-[watch buzzes]
-My nice ticker reminded me
that I'm bad at wrapping gifts.
Every year, I mess it up
and you have to
rewrap everything
while I eat all the cookies
and fall asleep on your sofa.
I don't mind.
It's nice having your company.
Thanks. But if you want
to have a wonderful holiday,
you need someone or something
that can help you wrap up
those gifts, lickety-split.
That's why I built you this.
It's a giftwrapping
machine that I call
The Hardcore Wrapper.
It can make paper, mix tape
and get jingly with it, baby.
There's not a box
it can't beat.
What is it?
It's a coffee mug warmer
for my niece.
I found it at
that fancy tech store.
You put a cup on it
and it stays warm.
How old is your niece?
She's nine.
Do you think she'll like it?
[watch trills, dings]
Sure. Why don't we
get our wrap on?
[Hardcore Wrapper whirring]
-Oh, wow, that's wonderful.
-[watch beeps]
Feel free to wrap away.
I need to head inside
and check on DSS.
Look at me.
I'm a hardcore wrapper.
Oh, you don't want
none of this, honey.
I spit bars,
fire, fire bars.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Mr. Donkey Cheese.
-[camera shutter clicks]
-[grunts] Robin!
Hey, DSS,
I just wanted to apologize
for screwing things up.
I'm sorry.
Thanks, Steve.
I'll be honest.
I was mad at you.
But for you to come here now
and apologize to me,
-Aw, geez...
-[camera shutter clicks]
I said, geez!
-[camera shutter clicks]
[chuckles] What?
It was a touching moment.
To show you how sorry I am,
I wanted to give you something.
That's very nice.
But my doctor said
my heart can't take
any more gifts from you.
Oh, but you're
already wearing it.
I fixed your Santa suit.
You did this?
Thought this was from the mall.
The fit is nice.
Look at your boy,
all swagged out.
You got Santa
looking like a hype piece.
Wait. It's not gonna do
something weird, is it?
Nope. No tech.
Just sewed it up with
-a needle and some thread.
-[watch beeps]
Thanks, Steve.
We're all gravy, and cheese.
Nothing? You're not gonna
take a photo of this 'fit?
I look good.
Between you and me, DSS,
your suit wasn't in
the best shape to begin with.
So, I reinforced everything
with some synthetic fabric
to make sure
it stayed both soft and sturdy.
Synthetic fabric?
Like polyester?
Wow, Steve, I was wrong.
You really are
winning the holidays.
And it's only gonna get better.
This year, we're gonna
knock Santa's socks off.
[shouting] I'm allergic
to synthetic fabrics.
Or his pants.
It's like
super-soft poison ivy!
It's nice and painful.
Aah! When I scratch,
it makes my fingers itchy.
[Mrs. Paxson] Steve!
[people screaming]
Oh, no. I'm
making things worse.
Hold on. Hold on.
I know what to do.
I can fix this.
[all] No!
Don't fix anything!
But... But...
What we need is
someone to disrupt you, Steve.
in the background]
-Wait a menorah.
I know just the guy.
This guy says
my hair looks fake?
What? [hesitates] No.
Hi-ho, Dudley.
[screams, grunts]
Who are you?
How'd you get here?
Are you one of those ghosts
here to show me my Christmas
past, present, or future?
No, it's me, Steve Urkel.
We met the other day,
fellow disruptor.
@steveurkel, IRL?
Uh, okay.
Uh, what can I do for you?
I took your advice and
tried to disrupt the holidays
and make everything
perfect for Santa.
I built this nice ticker
that pushes me to find ways
to make sure everyone
had a great holiday.
But I kept
screwing everything up.
Hmm. You've gamified
being in the holiday spirit?
[laughs] That's fire... emoji.
I don't think the problem
is you, @steveurkel.
It's not?
You turned the holidays
into an amazing game.
But a game is only good
if you can get other people
to play it, too, okay?
What if we
scaled this up a bit?
And got everyone
playing for the holidays?
Maybe we lose the watch
and turn it into an app.
A really nice app?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But how about
a Von Durffel app?
Ooh. That's wonderful.
No, kid, it's Von Durffel.
VDI, get the dev team
on this, stat.
-I want this live in 24 hours.
-[Urkel grunts]
Can you get it ready
in 24 hours?
You're right.
Let's do it in six.
Congratulations, kid.
You're about
to disrupt the world.
[watch beeps]
You have a question?
No, I was...
I was trying to high-five you.
Oh. It looked like
you had a question.
Maybe angle
your arm down a little more.
Or maybe, I was disrupting
the way we do the high-five.
Very cool.
[chuckles] Thanks.
Now, let's get you
off my boat.
[sighs] Dudley's app
should be online now.
Oh, wow.
So many people
have already downloaded it.
That's great.
Oh, Santa's gonna
be so proud of me.
Everything's gonna be
so festive that he'll
make sure
this is the best holiday ever.
Steve in the milk
Steve in the milk
We make the cheese
That's soft as silk
Steve in the milk
Steve in the milk
[Urkel] [laughs]
Ooh, that tickles.
Steve in the milk
Steve in the milk
We make the cheese
That's soft as silk
[Urkel exclaims]
[gasps, exclaims]
[Urkel panting]
[yelps, exclaiming]
Oh, Steve, you're
the nicest kid ever.
You made me so-ho-ho happy!
If you don't like it,
you can get out.
Ujamaa, bless us, everyone.
[synth music playing]
Just call me Stefan Urquellebot
You saved the holidays, Steve.
Ho-ho-ho, ho!
You're my official
holiday helper.
You hear that, everybody?
-Steve Urkel!
-[crowd cheering]
Good morning, Mr. Kalan.
Good morning, Steve.
Just turning
the Kochiyamas' car
into everybody's
favorite Christmas character,
Rudy, the holiday moose.
I think you mean reindeer?
-Their car is a reindeer.
-Moose, reindeer,
what's the difference?
I mean, they're
different subspecies,
not to mention,
antler size and shape.
[phone beeps]
Yes! Seventeen points!
-Ooh, chag sameach, Mr. Kalan.
-[phone beeps]
We've spent all morning
perfecting a matzah ball
soup recipe.
And some rugelach.
Let's get in that kitchen
and get you a Hanukkah meal.
-[phone beeps]
That's so wonderful.
Did you see Rudy, the moose?
It's nice. We don't
really celebrate Christmas.
But thank you.
-[phone buzzes]
I got you, Kochiyamas.
For the new year,
you celebrate with
a kagami mochi.
-And I made you
a lawn ornament.
-[phone beeps]
-[phone beeps]
-[exclaims] Yes!
Take that, Mr. Kalan.
Livingstons, you
celebrate Kwanzaa, right?
Let me help you do that!
-Happy holiday, Steve.
-[phone beeps]
-Happy holiday, Steve.
-[phone beeps]
I said it first.
Why didn't I get more points?
No, Horace.
I insist your team
have the ball.
-Happy holidays.
-[phone beeps]
-[phone beeps]
-Oh, thank you very much.
Look at that.
It's your ball again.
-I think that counts
as a Christmas gift.
-[phone beeps]
Hey, Jordan, what's the score?
Oh, nothing-to-nothing.
But I've already got
38 Von Durffel points.
But what about basketball?
This is better than basketball.
Oh, look at that.
I accidentally
scored on myself.
-That's two points for you,
Horace and ten points for me.
-[phones beep]
For being so charitable
this holiday season.
Hey, holiday boy. Need a lift?
Dashing through the snow
-I'm good.
-[Sheryl humming]
[phones beeping]
[woman gasps]
-Happy holidays.
-[phone beeps]
Merry Christmas, Hanukkah,
Boxing Day, Kwanzaa,
Festivus to you.
[phone beeps]
Your smile
just brightened my day
-this holiday season.
-[phone beeps]
Your smile is
all the Christmas, Hanukkah,
Boxing Day, Kwanzaa,
Solstice, Festivus gift I need.
-A fabulous day to you.
-[phone beeps]
Would you stop, Gary?
You're messing up my points.
You're not being very merry
by telling me what to do.
[phones beeping]
[Department Store Santa]
I don't care
what your grades are.
You, young man,
deserve a puppy.
You hear that? This little boy
is getting a puppy,
even if Santa
has to get you one himself.
-Isn't that nice
of Santa? [laughs]
-[phone beeps]
Yes. A hundred points.
Okay, come on,
give me another kid.
Give me another kid.
Whatever you want, little girl,
Santa's got you covered.
-You want world peace?
Santa will figure it out.
-[phone beeps]
Oh, Steve!
[kids laughing]
You want to rip my pants off
again, make me look silly?
Isn't that
a holly-jolly good time?
-What's going on?
-[phones beeping]
I don't know you,
but I got you
this holiday card.
I got you one first.
Season's greetings!
[woman screams]
I don't believe this.
These people aren't
spreading holiday cheer.
They're more focused
on treating it like a game.
Isn't that what you were doing?
No. I was just trying to...
win over Santa
by getting a perfect score.
Oh, no.
Did I do this?
[phones beeping]
-Hey, kid, let's go caroling.
-[phones beeping
in the background]
Everyone loves caroling,
and it'll give me some points.
Do you even wanna go caroling?
No, I just want points.
No! I need those points.
Let's make a gingerbread house.
Let's make
ten gingerbread houses.
Let's make a gingerbread city!
No, he's going
caroling with me.
Fun fact. Did you know
the fifth day of Kwanzaa
is all about points?
[both yelling, screaming]
This game is offering
daily cash prizes
and a million dollars
to the person
who gets the highest score
of the month!
What? No.
Dudley's app is bribing people
to get into the holiday spirit.
This isn't right.
Maybe not, but it only
costs a few bucks to play,
and if I win, I could get paid.
[slowed audio] No...
[phone beeps]
Happy holiday, Steve.
Where's that holiday smile?
You're one of Santa's
holiday helpers, aren't you?
-We should get you a hat.
-[phone beeps]
Let's get you some eggnog
and sing some
[voice distorts] carols.
[pants, grunts]
Hey, there, Steve.
You still want
donkey cheese for Christmas?
Because I'll get it for you.
-If I win this game,
I'll buy you all the cheese.
-[phones beeping]
So why don't you
sing some carols with me,
[voice distorts]
and I can get these points?
Oh, no!
[hisses] Points...
[Urkel whimpers]
The mall is getting
the biggest tree we can find,
-just for you.
-[phone beeps]
Will you help us decorate it
for the points?
Where's your
ugly sweater? Points.
Want to watch some
holiday movies on my phone?
[voice distorts] For points.
[Urkel panting]
[woman] Points...
Steve, I think
your sweater isn't
the right Christmas green.
-It needs to be
a shade lighter.
-[phone beeps]
-Take a seat and let me
tell you the story of Hanukkah.
-[phone beeps]
-It's known as
the Festival of Lights.
-[phone beeps]
-[Department Store Santa]
-[crowd] Points...
[Urkel gasps, grunts]
Come on! I built you.
Why aren't you starting?
[crowd] Points, points...
-That is very cool.
-[phone beeps]
It's a Christmas mitzvah,
how you mess with my things.
Oh, come on. Come on.
-[reindeer revs]
-[crowd yells]
I'll bring it back, I promise!
-Or don't. I'm generous
and charitable that way.
-[phone beeping]
[in deep voice]
As long as I get these points.
Would you like
to sing a carol with me?
-I thought you'd never ask.
-[phones continue beeping]
Points points, points
Points, points, points
Points points
Points, points, points
I thought I was a nice kid
But maybe I'm a troll
'Cause every time
I try to help
I seem to miss my goal
I wanted to make
The holidays better
But I made everything worse
I'm not a holiday gift
I'm a Christmas curse
He's not a holiday gift
He's a Christmas curse
Everything was fine
Until I got invo...
[clears throat] ...olved
So if I run away
Maybe the problem
will be solved
If he runs away
Maybe the problem
will be solved
I wanted to make
the holidays better
But I only
made things worse
I'm not a holiday gift
I'm a Christmas curse
He's not a holiday gift
He's a Christmas curse
-[reindeer sputtering]
-[reindeer crashes]
Where am I?
[phone trilling]
[exclaims, grunts]
Kid, calm down, please.
You can talk?
Yes. You've got
good aim, Steve.
Well, only when I'm terrified.
Wait, how do you know my name?
I know every kid's name.
It's kind of my thing,
being Santa and all.
You're Santa Claus?
In the fur.
[sputters] You're a...
Yes, Steve Urkel.
Santa Claus is a yeti!
No, no, no, no, no.
That's ridiculous.
I've been
helping Santa for years.
Officially, or off the books?
That's not important.
As a self-taught Santa expert,
what I know is,
Santa can't be a yeti.
[upbeat music playing]
Santa Claus is a yeti
What's the problem
that you see?
Does that challenge
your idea
Of who a yeti should be?
You might see a monster
But I'm a friendly-o
Yeti dressed in reddy
With a big, big belly
And a fuzzy, fuzzy beard
Living in the North Pole
But there's never been
scientific proof
of your existence.
Not Santa Claus. Yetis.
Ouch! That hurts.
Uh, I guess you know a lot of
centuries-old humans.
Well, my grandma's
pretty old.
But can she fit down a chimney
carrying a bag of toys
without being seen?
I can. It's what
we Bigfoots are great at.
Doors, on the other hand,
confuse the heck out of me.
Turn and pull
and then go in.
[sighs] Oh.
Wait a minute.
People have seen
Santa before.
I try to stay hidden
as much as possible,
but a few lucky children
have gazed upon
this beautiful visage.
So by now,
somebody would have said
Santa's a yeti
or gotten upset
that you don't look like
a biker after a spa day.
People have opinions
Of how we should
look and sound
If you challenge
their beliefs
They tend
to put you down
They've made a reality
That's comfortable to them
So instead of seeing a yeti
Dressed in reddy
With a big, big belly
And a fuzzy, fuzzy beard
They'd rather see
some old man
Not just any old man.
They want to see
the one who's--
White, uh, fur
can kind of look like a beard.
Don't you think?
Hmm. It does.
And I guess
from far enough away,
your hands and feet
kind of look like
boots and gloves.
I mean, "claws" is right there
in the name, Santa Claus.
How many humans
do you know named Santa?
It's actually
an old yeti word.
It means yeti.
My real name
is Krisskringel.
Holy moly!
You're Santa
and you're a yeti!
-Santa Claus is a yeti
Now you know the deal
But if he's someone else
to you
Please do what you feel
If Santa was a penguin
That would be okay
Because all
that really matters
It's not the red, red hat
Or the fuzzy, fuzzy beard
It's joy
on Christmas Day
It's respecting
one another
Like they're your sister
Or your brother
And spreading cheer
on Christmas Day
Being good
to everyone you see
And leaving me cookies
The true spirit
of the holiday
By the way,
you got any cookies?
[Urkel] No.
Santa, I, uh...
I may have screwed up
the holidays.
It's okay.
I have other cookies.
Now, what brings you
to the North Pole?
Haven't you seen?
I messed up everything
back home.
I kind of blew up
the mall, twice.
I built a game-changing,
holiday-ruining app.
I turned
Department Store Santa
into a meme.
People are calling him
No Pantsa Claus.
Sorry, I don't have
Wi-Fi up here,
but I'd have maybe gone
with Santa Drawers.
Santa, I was trying so hard
to impress you this year
that I wrecked everything!
Why were you trying
to impress me?
Because you're Santa.
The Santa Claus.
You're amazing!
And you're only going to come
if everything is perfect.
The lights,
the cheer, even me.
I built this watch
to make sure I did
everything right
and bring you to Chicago
and fulfill everyone's
Christmas wishes.
What do you want this year?
Some Serbian donkey cheese,
if I remember correctly.
Right now, my wish would be
to fix everything back home.
And I clearly
haven't earned that.
Well, between you and me,
I'm not really keeping score
on whether you've been
naughty or nice.
Oh, Steve.
Take a seat with me
at this piano a moment.
I'm not keeping score
That's not what
Christmas is for
It's not
some holiday test
To force you
to be your best
If I was watching
your every move
That could feel
pretty scary
And the stress
to not screw things up
Would be a lot
for a kid to carry
You're still learning
How the world works
So you're bound
to make mistakes
You know
The real test of your mettle
Is what you do
when something breaks
It's stepping in
To say I'm sorry
And then trying
to make amends
With the person
who your action hurt
Whether strangers
Family or friends
I'm not keeping score
That's not
what Christmas is for
It's not some holiday test
To force you
to be your best
Let's say
you wanted a dirt bike
And you were good
all year long
But it didn't show up
on Christmas
Would you think
you did something wrong?
Would you feel
kind of hurt?
Would you scream
Oh, what's the point?
And no matter
how we behave
We don't always get
what we want
My Christmas wish
Is that kids are good
Because that's
who they want to be
Not because
They feel pressure
To try and impress me
Because I'm not
keeping score
That's not what
Christmas is for
It's not some
holiday test
To force you
to be your best
I'm not keeping
I'm not keeping score
[elf] Cut back on the cookies.
I do want
to be a good person,
but I guess I thought I needed
to be even more special
or Christmas wouldn't come.
Isn't that why you have
naughty and nice lists?
I mean, don't all the
Department Store Santas
report back to you?
Sure, but just to
tell me what things
kids want this year.
I don't want to make
a bunch of wagons
if kids aren't into them.
The elves hate
when wagons go to waste.
I still messed up
pretty bad.
I don't think anyone
will ever forgive me.
You won't know
unless you try.
I'm scared to go home.
What if I
ruin things again?
Maybe I can stay here,
officially become
one of your helpers.
I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.
[Urkel grunts]
[Urkel gasps]
Is there
an application fee?
Uh, no.
I mean, are you just
going to run away?
Won't people miss you?
No. They're better off
without me.
You sure about that?
Steve, why do you celebrate
every December holiday?
You're not Jewish,
and yet you help Mr. Kalan
celebrate Hanukkah
every year.
And on New Year's Eve,
you're always helping
the Kochiyama family
clean their house
for Omisoka.
Because Mr. Kalan's
my friend,
and he shouldn't
have to celebrate
the holidays by himself.
And the Kochiyama family
matter to me,
so I just want to know
what's special
and important to them.
Kid, those are nicer gifts
than anything
this freakishly
beautiful yeti
in a red suit
could ever build.
-You might be a little--
But as long as you care
about the people around you,
then you're officially
helping me spread
holiday cheer.
It's not about how many
lights you put up
or how many cookies
you leave out.
Although the more
the merrier.
You're right, Santa.
And if I really care,
then I need to go back home
and clean up my mess.
See, Steve,
you don't need a watch
to tell you
the right thing to do.
Dudley's got everybody
fake celebrating the holidays
to win money.
Maybe I can build
some kind of mind ray.
Not control,
but maybe just reprogramming.
And maybe erasing
some of their
short-term memory.
It shouldn't hurt too much.
Hmm. But maybe
you could use an assist.
This holiday season,
could I be your unofficial
official helper?
You want to be my helper?
Santa's my helper?
Oh, wow!
Well, I should probably
get you an orientation packet,
-and there will be
a strict dress code.
Or how about
just a lift back home
to shut Dudley's app down
and remind people
to just be good
for goodness sake?
Oh, you better watch out.
You better not pout
No, watch out.
My reindeer are pulling up.
[Urkel gasps]
Wanna go fix
the holidays?
What was that song
you were singing?
"Santa Claus
Is Coming To Town."
-Who sings it?
Have you never heard
any of the Christmas carols
people sing about you?
[chuckles] No.
I don't have the Internet.
And I'm not
that self-absorbed.
Are they good songs?
What if we change
the value of points
based on how many people
are using the app
at a certain time?
We'd call it
surge nicing.
Ethically questionable.
But business wise,
it will make you richer.
[Urkel] Whoa!
Stop! [grunts]
And a Bigfoot?
Hey, I'm Santa!
Whoa! Santa's a Bigfoot?
Explosion emoji, man.
You just disrupted
my mind right there. Wow.
Dudley, we've got
to shut the app down.
We've turned everyone into
a bunch of holiday zombies
that are only pretending
to be nice to get a reward.
I know.
I am on the precipice
of something #epic.
For a reward,
I'm getting people
to do whatever I want.
I can make them
be merry if I want.
But why stop
at the holidays?
I could also tell them
what to buy,
or how to think
or how to vote.
The possibilities
are endless.
Well, aren't we
supposed to be
disrupting people's lives
for the better?
Uh, yeah.
And what's better
than getting everyone
to do what I tell them?
I'm a genius.
I'm changing the world.
I'd be like Santa,
but year around
and with way better hair.
Excuse me?
Have you seen these locks?
What you're doing
is nothing like Santa.
Oh, please.
Isn't that what Christmas is?
You just pretend to be nice
to get a dolly or a video game.
All to please a reclusive,
well-resourced mogul
who lives
in a hard-to-reach place.
Say hey with five "Y"s
to your new Santa.
Oh, no. That's cultural
appropriation, honey.
This is a mistake!
I want my tech back.
Uh, remember when
I sang you a song
about moving fast
and breaking things?
Well, I've got another song
I'd like to sing for you.
It's called "No Backsies."
And a one, a two--
If you're not going
to shut it down,
then I'll have
to shut you down.
You ever see that GIF
where someone's like,
"Come. Get some."
I'm about to make
one of my own.
Are you sure
about this, Steve?
You're a little boy,
he's a grown adult.
[Urkel screaming]
That escalated quickly.
Well, I did not
see that coming.
[VDI] It's how real Gs
settle their differences.
When the "G"
stands for genius.
Seeing as how
you're an uninvited guest
on my yacht air balloon,
I'll give you the honor
of going first.
Big mistake.
People are selfish,
They only want to be nice
to get something.
-You are wrong, Dudley!
-[Dudley] Whoa!
[Urkel] Hmm.
[grunts in frustration]
[Dudley laughing]
[Dudley] Whoopsie.
A-ha! [grunts]
I'm just making
some extra money
to get my dad a gift.
This is better
than basketball.
You want me to celebrate
Hanukkah with your robot?
Donkey cheese.
-[Urkel] Ah!
Check and mate.
[Dudley groaning]
Skull emoji.
Did I do that?
I think I did.
Yeah! Oh!
[Urkel] Uh-oh.
[all screaming]
Oh, no! Please no!
Well, that doesn't
look good.
[people screaming]
Is everyone okay?
Oh, Santa.
No, Steve, I'm fine.
Magical being, remember?
Dudley, I'm sorry
I broke your ship.
You know, I can work it off
to pay you back.
All the money I made
from the Von Durffel app
kind of makes us even.
If you had asked
for even a small cut...
[laughs] Ow!
...you'd be rich.
No backsies
That's what I said. No...
I forget the rest,
but it's really cool.
I don't invent things
to get rich.
I do it to bring happiness
to people.
[Dudley laughing]
Happiness is overrated,
People have already
had a taste of the future,
and they're not going back.
This is the future, okay?
Embrace it.
Your old ideas
about being nice
have been disrupted
by something better,
by someone better.
By me! [chuckles]
What's going on?
Did the app crash?
Will these points count?
I need my points!
I can't finish
these decorations
if I don't have my points.
Mrs. P, stop!
You don't need to hang
Mr. Kalan's lights
for points.
Yes, I do!
Why else would I do this?
Because he's your neighbor.
And even though
you two argue sometimes,
you worry about him
climbing on a ladder
because he's so old.
Hey, words hurt!
That's not winning you
any holiday cheer points.
Being nice
isn't a game to win.
I see that now.
The holidays aren't something
we do for points.
[all] Points.
We celebrate the holidays
because it's an excuse
to check in on someone
when they have a bad day
and offer
to take him caroling.
Being with a friend
to celebrate Hanukkah
because you enjoy
each other's company.
It's not a bunch
of empty gestures
to win a prize.
[all] Points?
It's celebrating each day
like a holiday.
Because the people
around us are gifts.
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
How is he broadcasting
from the Von Durffel game?
Magical being, honey.
[Urkel] It's not about
proving how good we are,
but recognizing
how lucky we are.
Presents and treats
are great,
but the holidays
are a reminder
of how important we are
to one another.
Wow, you're still corny.
[Robin and Urkel
mimicking munching]
[Robin and Urkel laughing]
The nicest thing you can do
is to celebrate each other.
That's why I love
December so much.
Holiday boy!
Were you
about to sing?
Uh, yes.
Well, not without me!
Driving a bus
Is a hard job
Where I often feel alone
Truth is
You lift my spirits
I just wish
You were a baritone
I love December
It's a great time
of the year
From the first
to the 31st
Let's celebrate
all the good cheer
We may celebrate
different holidays
But December
brings us all together
With the shared love
of our traditions
And a hatred
for cold weather
We love going
block to block
To see
the neighborhood lights
And caroling door to door
As long as we've got
the music rights
Oh, he gets to sing?
No, thank you.
If I don't get to sing,
nobody gets to sing.
No backsies
[VDI] Sir, you appear
to have a problem.
Am I off key?
Enormously so.
But in your rush to get
the Von Durffel game online,
you moved a little too fast.
Ugh. What did I break?
[VDI] The company.
The shareholders are meeting
right now to vote you out.
[exclaims] No,
they can't do that.
[VDI] If you had read
the user agreement
of your contract,
you'd see
they very much can.
No one ever reads those!
Come on!
A Department Store Santa
Is more than just a shift
It's seeing the joy
on someone's face
When they find
that perfect gift
[Robin's dad]
I never thought
I was a helmet guy
But I look amazin'
And you must be impressed
Your old man
Sounds like T-Pazin
It's T-Pain, Dad.
Who is T-Pazin?
[speaking Spanish]
Celebrating Hanukkah
You help honor my history
And the principles
of Kwanzaa
Empower community
The solstice
is the time we reflect
While we look forward
Festivus is from
a TV show
Does that make it awkward?
Not as long as
You love December
And respect
that I do, too
It's not just about
a Christmas tree
This month's about...
I told you, kiddo.
You're a gift.
Thanks, Santa.
-[Santa] Hmm.
-[Urkel] Aw.
Let's celebrate
All the good cheer
The block looks amazing.
Is that house
decorated for Soyal?
And there's one
for Kwanzaa.
This is really great.
It's not complete
until you decorate
your house.
It looks like now
the whole block
is waiting on you.
Oh, Mrs. Paxson,
you silly goose.
I decorated last March.
I was just waiting
on everybody else.
I'm really excited
about my light display
this year.
I hooked it up
to a solar battery
so you don't have to worry
about blowing out the power
to the street.
Unlike last year.
Did I do that?
[alarm beeping]
[donkey brays]
Donkey cheese!