Didier (1997) Movie Script

Passengers traveling to Paris
are asked to board at gate 12.
Didier shhh. Where did I put my boarding pass?
- Plus I forgot my sleeping pills.
- Have a drink it's the same.
- Will you be OK Jean-Pierre?
- Yes. Take your magazines.
Mmmmm. Kevin Deer.
Which do you prefer?
- He's not bad, eh?
- Sure, you're going to be late.
I can't wait to meet him.
For his last film he did 6 months
of Tae Bo. It's magnificent.
What moves!
I've been learning.
Did you see the cover of of "Cahiers du Cinma"
What about in "Crash". Wasn't he sublime?
And "I'm No Angel" with Jonathan Swyke?
When he finds his brother at the
end, I was in tears.
He does have the nicest
butt in Hollywood.
You're right. Come on Annabelle,
we should board.
Didier, mommy has to go work now.
But she's coming home very soon.
So be a good dog for 10 days.
- Don't tell him how long.
- Dogs have no notion of time.
1 year is 7 for a dog. Do the math,
10 days is going to make him sick.
Well Didier...Jean Pierre is daddy now.
- You're sure you don't mind?
- Of course not. I don't mind at all.
I almost forgot...
His squeek-squeek
He sleeps with it in his basket.
Ok go now because he's
getting riled up.
It's fine...mommy just went to
do some shopping.
For now it's daddy who is taking
care of you. Good dog.
Nice dog, just what I needed
right now.
What's wrong? Come one.
Stupid dog.
Ok here we go, we're off.
We're leaving.
We're gone.
Now Jean, for the game Wednesday,
it's going to be a doozy.
If the boys lose that game,
they're down to division 2...
Especially now with their
striker limping around.
He's not limping!
You don't know anything.
Oh shut up.
Time for a commercial break.
The yellow is too yellow.
I tried with a less yellow yellow.
Jean-Pierre is here for you.
What's with the dog?
This is Didier. He's Annabelle's dog.
He's nice, eh?
I wanted to ask, could you keep it
for 3 or 4 days?
Because it's really hard for
me to do it right now...
I don't have...euh...
Plus he's really really nice.
I'm sure he would get along
great with your kitty.
- She's a cat.
- You're cat.
And how is your blond tramp?
My blond tramp?
The blond tramp I saw you
with on Monday.
What does she do in life
besides people?
That was Barbara, Fabrice's girlfriend.
Jean-Pierre I'm sick of you only
calling me when you need something.
So you keep the dog and I'm giving
back your keys. Do what you want.
- That's not nice.
- No it's not nice.
But I have work to do so
please leave me alone.
Yes of course.
Why did I take this tunnel?
I know there's always construction.
Why did I take the tunnel?
I'm so stupid.
Go, move it.
Super. I can tell this
is going to be fun.
Come on, you can kick harder.
Wait 2 seconds!!
Fabrice, Mendes, go with the others,
Stupid, stupid why?
No, not stupid...I just think that it's
a little stupid Didier for a dog's name
Calling a dog Didier, that's weird.
I don't see what's weird.
Jean-Pierre I'm telling you it's weird.
I don't see why Didier is
weirder than Mdor.
Or Pompon
I find it funny but weird....
You could also put a feather in his
butt. Is that funny?
Putting a feather in his butt
would just be degrading.
And the other is not degrading.
Is there a law that forbids calling a dog Didier?
So you have something
against dogs named Didier?
No, not that!
I think it's on the limit of weird...
to call a dog by a human name.
I don't know why I care. It's
Annabelle who named him, not me.
Oh no!
Richard? It's Coco.
It is a sprain, Fabrice.
That means 3 weeks
of complete rest.
Impossible, I play at Le Parc
in a week.
In a week you'll be playing cards,
not at Le Parc.
3 weeks
If you tell Richard he'll kill us.
One is limping and the other
injured. We're dead.
Baco's not limping much.
Jean Pierre, Baco limps.
What do we tell Richard?
This season we bought 2 losers.
And with the goalkeeper injured...
First, it's not his fault he's injured.
And Fabrice is not a loser.
I bet they get to breathe a
little on the Bordeau team.
You're like the Apollo XIII rocket.
And here's Coco to make things worse.
I talked to Richard on the phone.
To tell him about Fabrice's sprain.
He wasn't happy at all.
He wants to see you at 7:30
tomorrow morning at his place.
Why did you have to call Richard?
Fabrice will be fine in 3 days so
why are you getting involved?
Yeah sure. Keep your hot air
for tomorrow. You'll need it.
Isn't he a jerk?
We'll look around.
Nobody's up to par.
Tagillaud's not bad?
Taguillaud?? No way, he's a scarecrow.
I'd rather use Fabrice with
his sprained ankle.
Who then?
- How are you Mijo?
- Hi Jean Pi!
My dove
It's growing, eh?
The good side of pregnancy
Charlie's thrilled
I understand
If it's a boy what do
you think of Didier?
I love Didier,
Right Charlie? I was telling you
earlier how much I like Didier.
Hey my car! Pee elsewhere!
Didier, I'm not so sure.
Maybe it's a girl.
That's it, stop there. Stop.
Don't start huh?
Now is not the time.
No begging!
You spoiled yourself.
Don't grunt.
A real garbage, this dog.
Hi Charlie
No, Coco will be there.
He's always there.
We will meet in Ecar.
And be on time... ya ya
Yes we can go for a drink or two.
Yes that's fine.
And I'm penniless right now.
I've taken Richard's crap
for awhile now Charlie.
How? Well first it's the taxes.
You know those papers they send you
with large amounts you have to pay?
So Charlie, tomorrow...
no, no...go ahead...
I already knew that joke
with a different ending.
Tomorrow at 7:15?
Oh no! Crap!
You're bad! Crap!
What a stupid dog.
Will you look at this!!
Yes go hide in your basket.
And bravo huh?!!
Today's the day everyone
decided to get on my nerves.
It's time for the 6:15
France Express News.
Two councilors are questioned...
Stand up.
Let go!
What are you doing here?
Get lost.
Get dressed and get lost.
Your clothes
Where are your clothes?
What's wrong?
You're not going to wear pants?
Do you know how to put them on?
These are pants.
Do you speak French?
You put the first leg in...
One...then the other leg is the same.
Who is this guy?
Put the thing...
put the thing inside.
This is a shirt, put this on.
It's time to go now. Huh?
It's time to go, because
I'm in a hurry.
You can keep the pants and
the rest of the clothes. OK?
It's this way, there.
Goodbye. OK, goodbye.
Yum yum...Didier?
Where is that stupid dog now?
- Good morning Mr. Costa
- Morning Mrs. Bcassignier
Your friend can't stay on the landing.
He's not my friend.
He scratches. Look what he did to
the varnish on my door.
He scratches?
Good morning Madame.
Why were you scratching?
What do you want from me?
Don't move.
What the heck are you
still doing at home?
Yes it's me, Coco. The handsome guy
with the ponytail. Its 7:20, where are you?
I'm on my way. But there's this guy
here. He somehow got into my house.
Yeah whatever. So you'll be here in 5 minutes.
I wonder what excuse he'll
come up with next.
I have to hurry!
I have to go, we have to go
The two of us will leave. And
once outside we part ways. OK?
Mrs. Bcassignier I can't find my dog. A labrador,
about this big, very nice. If you see him...
No problem, I've had hamsters for 7 years.
people don't realize that 7 years
is a long time for a hamster.
Is yours working?
Yes, yours?
If Fabrice doesn't recover we
will find someone else.
Richard, really, I understand your apprehension,
your worry.
Jean Pierre this makes 2 crappy
players that you've sold me.
Baco is limping and now
Fabrice has a sprain.
It's not apprehension or worry...
but a feeling of being duped.
You understand?
That was not our initial intention
That reassures me.
Baco has already played a good
match in Bordeaux and...
Bordeaux was a robbery.
And since then Baco hasn't
even touched the ball. Pft, Baco.
And what will he do in
8 days in Paris?
Sell souvenirs at half-time?
At least those jerks don't care
if you lose.
You didn't have to call
the vendors jerks.
Jeesh, it was a joke.
Sorry I didn't get that, it
wasn't very funny.
Jean-Pierre, are YOU going to
be scoring the winning goals?
Do you want to calculate what it
would cost if we both lose?
20 K, and that's just in sponsors.
Are you going to be the one
to reimburse me?
Daddy's working, come.
You injured your knee a
while back, right?
How is that?
It's fine, it was 10 years ago.
It would be a shame to break it again.
And why I would break it?
Find a solution quickly.
I said quickly, what are you still doing here?
Did you want some coffee?
I loved Richard's suit. He
has nice suits.
Did you like what he said or did you
have the image with no sound?
He says he's going to break my
knees and you like his suit?
- I'm trying to be positive.
- It's not working. We're screwed.
The king of chatter.
I'm impressed
You going to stare a long time?
I'll change the lock and he
won't get in again.
He got in once but not twice.
Tell me when I can stop by to
see the door and I'll do a quote.
As quickly as possible. I live
on Sara Boulevard, number 33.
Ni port or starboard, the first nation
What's up with the commotion
in the neighborhood?
Some young Nazis parading.
Young Nazis is a little harsh.
That's a good key.
Listen, let's be clear here.
I don't know what you want
and I don't really care.
You are going to leave me alone now.
You need to forget me. Forget me now.
Lover's quarrel?
What do you want?
She's nervous.
Okay it's fine. We're leaving.
Wait here. I'm going to get
some cotton swabs.
Where's the squeak-squeak?
Search, search
Didier !!
What are we going to do?
It it there?
Is the squeak-squeak there?
I don't understand
How do you explain it? One day
you're a dog and the next a man.
I don't even believe what
I just said.
The only explanation is that
it's a Buddhist thing.
Like a reincarnation but
super accelerated.
Or a parallel universe.
I don't know.
I'm sure this isn't everything.
I mean, humans don't know everything, right?
We know things...
but not everything.
We don't know everything.
OK that's enough. You're finished.
OK this is YOUR plate now.
Yuck, gross.
But how did you do it?
Was it a morphing thing,
like this?
Didier, no not here!
The toilet.
and caca...
You stand in front
and you put up the seat.
You put up the seat, so
you don't make a mess.
You take out your little thingy,
and you pee there, in the water.
Same thing with poop. But sitting.
Yes, like that. Get up.
When you're finished...
you press here.
It's the flush.
And... what else...
And that's good.
That's toilet paper.
Right, I forgot. Thankfully you asked.
Not at all. Oh la la.
Not at all.
You get a hold of the thing...
And lift it up...
There you go. Good.
It's better than that
canned crap.
When you meet someone new you
can't just go up and smell their butt.
It's important. Very important.
No more smelling the butts
of people we don't know.
Yeah well...
People know me in this neighborhood.
But you don't care.
Just trotting around.
I totally agree.
Ok true, we know her.
But you have to know someone a lot
better to smell their butt.
That was the baker.
She sells bread.
Forget the bread.
It's not important.
We don't smell butts.
We don't smell womens' butts.
Unless she asks you to. If she
asks, that's her choice.
Yes yes...but you said "yes"
before and now...
Yes, yes Coco. I'll be
there tonight.
Of course I'll be there with Richard.
Whatever, jerk.
I said I'd be at the bar.
What was I saying?
Nobody else!
Don't be silly.
You don't smell anybody's butt.
Not guys, not girls,
not dogs, nobody!
And especially not the landlady!
I'm going to have to move
because of your nonsense.
If you try to smell my butt
you're out of here.
I'm warning you.
Do not move huh?
Daddy's going to get his head ripped
of by Richard then he'll be back.
- But Fabrice plays on Wednesday right?
- Yes, he's just resting right now.
- Because you have to win huh?
- Yes, for sure.
Richard will be ready for you
in 15 minutes.
Thank you.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, good luck.
Some matches?
It's a girl!
- I saw the ultrasound
- Who?
It's a girl. I'm having a girl!
That's good!!
- Guess what we're calling her?
- Fabrice.
No! It's a girl!
Fabrice, what are you doing here?
- It's Barbara...
- You've got to be kidding me.
You're supposed to be resting and
you come to Richard's club to party?
It's not me, it's Barbara.
Do me a favor. Get lost and
I'll take care of Barbara.
It's a girl!
Even when we leave early we
never get to sleep before 4 am.
We found a bunch of old videos.
With He-Man, Captain Flame...
and Gandhi. It's super funny
to watch them in their diapers.
You understand...It's important
that he rest right now.
But if you're interested I
have the videos at home.
Put on number 3.
No, 3. That's number 7.
That's the best album.
...and watch old cartoons with her.
- In the afternoon?
- No, one's she has on tape.
How's it going lovers? Taking
in the night air?
Coco can you be normal
for 10 minutes?
What did you say?
Are you talking to me?
Jean Pierre, isn't that your car?
Forget it Jean Pierre. We'll take
care of them for you.
Run, run run!
At least he's grateful
Can you stay here a minute? I have
to see Richard then I'll be back.
- OK. Don't worry about it.
- Thank you very much.
- Jean Pierre
- Maria!
How are you? Having fun?
I'm here for work.
Must not be easy.
I'm here to see Richard.
And this club is Richard's club.
And with Miss Muffins it seems
to be going well, huh?
Oh stop it. I told you, that's
Fabrice's girlfriend.
- What would you call her?
- I don't know.
There is good news. Things are
going better than expected.
Fabrice's injury is much less serious
than we thought.
We are very confident. Training is
going very well.
Team moral is solid.
There's nothing more to worry about.
And I'm going to have a girl.
We're going to call her Amandine.
I wanted to call her Esther
but the wife didn't like it.
Jean Pierre I have no desire to get
angry because it's useless.
So in summary...
If we lose in Paris...
you hurt.
At least it's clear.
That goes for you too Coco.
You're the one who introduced me to Jean Pierre.
So the same goes for you.
You better hope we win.
I know you're a joker but even so,
you can't go around smelling butts.
Now where are you going to "work"?
In an after-party?
- That's a friend.
- I'm a friend.
That's fine today is Friday.
We're all friends
But the game is on a Wednesday.
In four days.
Didier, let's go. We're going.
Sorry but I have to work tomorrow.
Goodbye Didier!
Get your head back inside. Hey!
We don't put our head out the window.
Who is it?
Go ahead and speak up.
He can't understand a thing.
Where is he from?
He's from...Lithuania.
He's staying with me right now.
- Staying with you?
- Yeah, why?
Nothing, that's something new.
You usually don't help people.
It's for my sister...
She's in a "save the world" phase
and she asked me to help.
- Why doesn't he stay with her?
- Well, Why doesn't he stay with her?!
Because she already has 2 Pekinese...
2 Chinese children staying with her.
So she's overwhelmed and
I'm the one who has to help.
- I think it's good.
- Yeah.
If we weren't able to have kids
I think Mijo and I would have adopted.
This is all wrong. We need to
find a solution soon.
Sometimes you scare me.
What are we going to do with that?
It's also complicated because...
the transfer season is over and
we'll have to ask for an exception.
We're not replacing him anyways.
If that jerk Fabrice had only stayed
in bed for 2 days...
but no. He had to go out dancing.
Can you imagine the stupidity?
Let's go.
And what about the dog?
Isn't he here?
Oh yeah. He's in the bedroom.
He's sleeping under the bed.
That guy's a little weird, no?
It's not the same culture.
Sure. He doesn't seem like a bad guy.
Yeah, except when he bites.
- Ciao
- Ciao
Go to your basket.
I'm sick of you always
smelling my butt.
Stop that.
Close your mouth.
You don't see me walking around
with my tongue hanging out.
Tongues stay in.
What's wrong with you?
Didier! Didier, leave the dog alone.
Get off him!
- It's a she!
- Sure.
Didier, leave her alone.
He won't stop. What's
wrong with your friend?
- He's playful.
- He's mostly stupid.
I'm exhausted.
He exhausts me.
Do you want the whole
neighborhood mad at you?
Give them their ball back!
This can't be true.
You're intolerable.
What am I going to do with you?
Holy cow.
Didier, Didier! Heel, heel!
Didier that was good. Very good.
You're going to save my life. You
have no idea. Good dog.
He lovers, nice day?
There sure are a whole bunch
of jerks around here.
Come on, let's go shopping.
- He sir! Come back!
- Did you see how good he was?
- What did you say?
- Turn your iPod off.
How do they feel?
We can do better.
- Do you feel this on your toes?
- Yes.
Jean-Pierre don't you know I have
better things to do?
Where's this Armenian you
were talking about?
Lithuanian. I just want you
to take a look...
Tell me if we have
something to work with.
He's a little...but he has
enormous potential.
OK. 5 minutes.
Come on buddy.
Just remember what I said.
Didier, do you remember
what I said?
Didier, heel! Come here.
You're a pain.
Yes, you're a pain.
Remember the basics.
Soccer is a team sport.
The goal is the victory of the team.
If you want to play alone,
go play golf.
Let's practice passing.
I'll pass you the ball.
Are you listening?
I'll pass you the ball and you
pass it back. We'll pass the ball.
You remember? I pass you pass...
Pass me the ball Didier.
Didier pass me the ball!
Hi Kamel.
Didier stop! Oh my god.
Wait for me. I have
something to tell you.
I bought a new CD.
I want my daughter to listen
to it in the amniotic sack.
Why haven't they invented a
CD case that's easy to open?
They could at least
have a little tab.
Do you want to talk about CD
packaging or watch soccer?
Do you want to go to
HMV during practice?
You never focus on what you're doing.
You're always talking
about something else.
Fine, it's cool.
I can do two things at once.
He runs fast, eh?
He's a little cocky though.
Yes, but effective
A little inexperienced,
but effective.
You can't touch it with
your hands!
Lithuanian soccer is
a little "freestyle" huh?
Come here.
Don't move, don't move.
What was that?!
I could leave you in the
parking lot, huh?
It's not complicate, heck.
Give me the ball.
With your foot, not your hands!
Your foot! This is your foot!
Pass, again, pass.
There you go.
Go get it!
Yes, he has something.
Wow, you're pretty full of yourself
talking to him like that.
You talk to him like he's a dog!
If it was me I would've
punched you in the face.
Even a dog gets treated better.
It is a dog. So there.
You're gross!
Is that what foreigners are to you?
Not even the Polish speak
to people like that.
He knows we're talking about him.
Tell him to come here. He can't
kneel there forever.
Come here!
Come here.
OK, OK, that's enough.
Calm down.
- I told you after the show.
- I know but...
I'm listening.
I have a proposition that might
be of interest to you...to us.
I'll let you test drive
a player for one year.
- Who?
- A new guy.
His name is Didjei Asdravisus.
He's very good.
Don't know him.
Where did he play?
He's from Lithuania. A friend
coaches at this...
My grand-daughter is up next.
Spring has arrived in the Chouchougnon forest.
Everyone is very happy.
The bees, the daisies, the mushrooms...
and caterpillars and butterflies.
She was amazing.
Bring your player to
my house tomorrow.
Set up a time with Claudie.
Next to Los Angeles,
everything seems tiny.
Don't you think so?
It's right here. Pull over.
Don't take 3 hours!
The jet lag is killing me.
I'm just picking up my dog.
I'll be back in 5 minutes.
We've seen it before.
A giraffe.
An owl
A trumpet...Bless you.
Wait here. Be good.
What day is it? I thought
you were in Los Angeles.
It's a long story.
I brought gifts. The marketing on this
film was amazing...Where's Didier?
Weren't you in Los Angeles?
At first I had a half-hour appointment with
Kevin Deer, but then the assistant...
Are you okay?
Who's the nutzo?
My aunt...has problems with her kid.
He's staying here while she finds an
institution. He's not mean, just a little...
Oh no! I told you he's harmless.
Harmless, you're kidding.
Don't provoke me.
I'm sorry. I should've warned
you but didn't have time.
- Do you want a drink?
- No, I'm good.
That guy is nuts.
I'm going to take Didier home.
Where is he?
Well no...because Didier...
he's not here.
Because Coco, my aunt's kid is here.
So I took Didier to a friend's house.
A friend who lives in the country. You
don't know him...Herv. He's very nice.
- When can I get him back?
- Whenever you want.
I'll call you or you call me. But take your
time. I've become very fond of him.
So you two should live in
the countryside together.
OK, I'm off. I have a taxi waiting.
I'll call you tomorrow for Didier.
Yes, OK.
You really know how to
make my day.
I know you're sad, but how can
you expect her to recognize you?
Didier, you're not a dog anymore.
You know that. You don't walk on
all fours or lick your privates anymore.
Yes, I know...but...
OK, for Annabelle, I'll just
tell her you're dead.
You got run over, or
something like that.
No, if you die she'll kill me.
I'll say I saved you.
You're a soccer player now.
A great soccer player.
And that's what we're going
to tell Richard tomorrow morning.
So you have to be good.
Very good, huh? Because
Richard is a very very mean.
This isn't going to be easy.
Catch it, catch it.
Basically, that's my proposition.
And why would he play
for me for a year?
He owes me a favor. It's private.
He agreed.
And because he loves to play.
He loves it.
For him, money isn't important.
Nobody thinks
money isn't important.
He does.
But where is he from? I've never heard
of him. What's his name? Az...Aza...
Asanavisus. It's Lithuanian.
Oh, Lithuanian. That's all
we needed.
At least he's white.
That's not bad.
I guarantee you
he's not a loser.
He's a rare find.
He's instinctive, inventive...
and he could destabilize the other team.
I've seen him in training and
it's true that he's different...
but surprising.
And he also knows how to
get inside your head.
You said the same thing about Baco.
No no no...They aren't in the same league.
Didier is an exceptional player
He's talented...He has eyes
in the back of his head.
At the end of the season I'm
sure you'll want to keep him.
Because the other teams'
negotiations will be violent.
Richard, there's no work to do.
I'm not saying he's a soccer
genius and there's nothing to work on.
But this guy, he really
understands the game.
Are you OK?
It's true, there are a
ton of bugs here.
Come on, Richard. You're not gong
to listen to this crap long, are you?
Nadia! You left Camille
alone in the pool!
I turned my head for 2 seconds!
And you guys! The 2 of you
didn't even move!
It's over. Daddy's here.
Thank you.
- He comes to practice tomorrow.
- OK
Is it just me, or does
it smell like wet dog?
You catch the ball and pass it to Merenguez.
Head passes.
This is a gift.
He can't stop acting silly.
Jean-Pierre this is the best
work you've done. Good job.
He's active, generous, not selfish.
Yes, hes different.
Just dont get too involved
with his training.
It might annoy Kamel,
it's his job.
Give me some tips and I'll
pass on the message.
I know Didier well-
If we want to use him we'll have
to hurry to get his league papers.
Why don't we have a quiet
dinner together tonight?
Don't watch this drivel.
You stay here and
guard the house, OK?
I'll be back around midnight
Its 9 pm now, which means...
3 x 7... 21 hours for you to wait.
I left you a can of food on the
table. Good dog.
It's me!
Anyone home?
This is mine and it's NOT a rag.
That's mine.
Excuse me.
Good evening.
Didier, that's right?
We danced together at "Chemise".
Jean-Pierre isn't here?
If you see him can you tell
him I cam to get my things?
We don't smell butts.
Oh, you were eating.
Did Jean-Pierre cook
that for you?
What is it? Can I try?
What is that?
You must NOT eat that.
You can NOT eat that!
Even re-heated it's infectious.
Do you speak French?
- The house wine? As usual?
- Yes please.
It's nice here, don't you think?
It doesn't seem like much but trust
me it's very nice. And very good.
I used to come here
often with Jean-Pierre.
Jean-Pierre likes meat.
I prefer fish.
Actually, I'm a Pisces.
Chicken sauteed with prawns...
Where are you from exactly?
Weshh, where is that?
Ahh Wales??
Well, welcome.
Would you like to
taste the wine, sir?
Let me see.
It's a little dry, but it's good.
A toast?
How do you toast in Whales?
What do you say in English?
It's good, isn't it?
I'm going to the ladies room.
He has no papers whatsoever?
After Lithuania, he landed
in ex-Yugoslavia.
He lost everything there.
It was horrible. I don't have
all the details but it was...
It's terrible what has
happened in ex-Yugoslavia
Nothing has changed.
Who can help us
with the paperwork?
It's much more complicated
than a naturalization.
We will have to see.
We will fix it.
A toast to Didier and
to Fabrice getting well.
- And to Wednesday's game.
- Yes, yes.
To Jean-Pierre, Coco and Charlie.
Can I call you Charlie?
It happens to be my name!
Can I call you Richard?
As long as you're not whispering
it softly into my ear, it's fine.
Richard, I've always wanted to tell
you how much I love your suits.
Jean-Pierre, didn't I tell you that?
I love his suits.
It's true. I think
they're classy.
- And psychologically, Didier is...
- Normal.
It's hot.
Does Jean-Pierre take you out?
Take you to see things?
If you feel like going out this weekend
there are some great flea markets.
Don't look at the mess.
I have to clean up.
I used to have a roommate...
Oh! An Irish girl, actually.
Oh but she was always depressed.
Once wanted to stick her
head in the oven.
But we don't have an oven...
so she decided to swallow
a glass of bleach.
I got sick of it and threw her out.
Thank you.
Have a seat.
I'll be right back.
Come here kitty. Hello you.
Her name's Bianca because before
I had a cat named Bernard.
You know, Bernard and Bianca,
from the Disney movie.
But he died.
On my birthday, what a gift.
Sit, sit, sit
What should we drink?
White wine?
In France there's a saying:
"White after red, you're body's dead...
Red after white,
everything's right."
It's a lovely red from a
chteau in the Loire Valley.
I have no idea.
So now, I live here.
Well, sometimes here...
sometimes at Jean-Pierre's.
Wow, you're lucky.
Usually she's pretty wild.
How do you say "cat" in Welsh?
Cray, like crepe?
How guttural
Bless you.
Are you okay?
Is it the cat?
Are you allergic to cats?
Lie down, breathe.
Don't move, I have
something for that.
Where did I put it?
Don't worry, it's just an allergy.
This happened to a friend once. He
swelled up like a balloon. How horrible.
And after taking this, he was fine.
Are you cold?
You're nose is freezing.
What is Jean-Pierre doing?
Hey guys.
What do you call
2 holes in 1 hole?
Your nose up my butt!
It's me Didier. Good night.
This is starting to annoy me.
I just saw your note.
What's wrong with you? Coming into
my house and taking Didier like that.
I couldn't sleep, I was worried.
Then I find him this morning,
sleeping on my doorstep.
How irresponsible.
Something could've happened to him.
He's a little simple, or didn't you notice?
Or maybe you didn't
let him get a word in?
- Simple?
- Yes, simple.
Yes, of course. For you, as soon as
someone's nice, they must be simple.
It was nice to meet someone nice for
a change. Instead of someone selfish.
What do you know?
He can't even go buy a croissant
without getting into trouble.
- He's worse than a kid!
- Worse than a kid?
You've just said it all.
And where were YOU all night?
If you were worried all night,
you could have called. I was here.
Be polite.
I'm sick and tired of dogs and
cats. I'd like to move on.
Your kitty just dropped
all my records on the floor.
What are you talking about?
Your kitty followed Didier home.
Jean-Pierre, it's a CAT!
OK? And I advise you to
be nice to her!
Then come and get her as soon
as possible. I'd like that.
This isn't the SPCA.
I'll be right there.
What an idiot!
When he wants to be stupid,
he's really stupid.
Your friends with a
cat now, huh?
You're forgetting your roots.
I guess you've forgotten.
Did you sleep together?
If you did, just say so.
I don't care.
I hope you used protection. Yuck!
Just thinking about it disgusts me.
You can't even speak,
how practical.
It might be a difficult concept for you...
But I'm a little hurt that my
girlfriend was stolen by my dog!
Plus, you're not
even MY dog.
Let's get dressed.
This is useless.
Wait, you need to clip your nails.
It's amazing how fast your claws grow.
Didier, the combination with
Merenguez is working well.
If there's a free kick...
Gomez, the first post...
Curlsse second post.
Baloud, you take Doberman.
Everyone moves...you all
run to the goal.
Ok so I overacted a little...
but I was worried.
What are you doing on Wednesday?
I'll be in Paris
meeting with a client.
I'll be in Paris too!
We're playing at le Parc.
Do you want me to reserve you
a ticket? It's in the evening.
Then afterward you can take
me to a funny movie.
Or a war film.
Is Didier playing on Wednesday?
Well, yes.
Do you have to run around everywhere,
jumping on people, stepping on toes?
Now he's in the pond.
- Do you have the time please?
- Yes.
Oh Annabelle, it's so nice of
you to stop by. Please come in.
I can't stay long. I just
came to pick up Didier.
- You don't want a drink?
- No thanks.
You did remember that I was
coming to pick up Didier?
Yes Didier, D-I-D-I-E-R.
My dog, who I left here and
would very much like back now.
Let's go get him now.
He's in the countryside at a
friend's I dont' know, right?
- Well yes, but...
- Do you think I'm stupid?
I know you too well.
Where is my dog?!!
- Don't scream.
- I'll scream if I want to.
I deserve some
respect, you know.
Respect starts with the truth.
So tell me, WHERE IS MY DOG?
You want the truth?
That's the truth.
That is Didier.
Didier isn't a dog anymore.
One morning I got up and that
guy was in Didier's basket.
Your dog became him.
How? I have no idea.
But that's the truth.
I was sure of it.
Excuse me?
I saw it in his eyes last time.
I felt it, I knew it.
Yes, my Didier, I recognize you.
I'm so sorry for kicking you.
He's so cute! Isn't he?
I'm glad you think so.
When I was in Brazil, I saw
some really weird things...
You wouldn't believe
me if I told you.
I don't know. I've made
some progress with weird.
It's amazing, he sometimes
has canine eyes.
sure do not want a drink? I need it
He always had cowboy breath.
Yes well I tried to brush his teeth.
You'll see, it will be tons of fun.
We'll take him to Madame Massart.
She has to see him.
Is she a dentist?
Not really.
Madame Massart / Podiatrist - Hypnotist
By appointment / 3rd floor right. Then left.
Your eyelids are heavy.
Very heavy.
But you still hear
everything I say.
Is it a surprise?
There is a very powerful
electrical current around him.
An electrical dog?
I'm sorry Annabelle, but I can
not work under these conditions!
I feel negative waves
in the whole room!
Please sir, be nice and leave.
Yes you. Go be show off OUTSIDE!
What karma.
No we are going to go
back into your past...
Let's go...back...
weeks, months.
How do you feel?
He's a dog.
It's about time you
figured that out.
Go back further, Didier.
What do you see?
Tell us where you are.
- Didier?
- What's happening?
I am Eurodepis, wife of
the Pharaoh of Egypt.
I think we went a little
too far back, no?
He's a very receptive,
interesting subject.
That will be 800 francs
($200 Cdn)
Can he come back tomorrow?
No, no! He plays tomorrow.
Don't start.
Look, 57 grams, digital,
liquid crystal display.
Yeah, but the image sucks.
You just need to orient it.
- It it OK?
- Yes, yes, no problem.
Lift your leg.
Remember, you catch the ball
and pass it to Merenguez.
I'll be back.
Didier Asanasius is Lithuanian,
30 years old.
A little older than the team
average, which is 24 years old.
I see Merenguez is on the bench?
Can't you play him?
No, we only need 1 point. I'm not
playing aggressively. We're on defense.
Why play deference when with Didier and
Merenguez doing amazing things out there?
Forget it Jean-Pierre. I don't butt
into your business, so leave mine alone.
Jean-Philippe will try to get to know
more about this guy, Didier...
by going to ask him a
few personal questions.
Oh no, that's not got at all.
Jean-Philippe, are you there?
Robert? Hello George.
I'm here with Didier Asanavisus.
So, Didier, this is your first big game.
How will you deal with the PSG super-team,
with players like N'Got and Doberman?
Didier, is there a lot of pressure?
Is it hard to handle?
Excuse me...
Sorry Jean-Philippe, but Didier's
parents are on the phone...
It's an emergency. But don't
worry, it's good news.
His mom is going to be a mother.
Or just became a mother...
I don't have the details.
Any reaction?
Well it seems we won't get any
information about Didier Asavinius.
Right, just that his mom is
going to be a mother.
And poof, now he's
a soccer player.
Amazing story.
No, not really. When Didier
was still a dog...
he loved to play ball.
So it's not so surprising.
For me, my niece is
a super-talented artist...
But they put her in a school
with a focus on math.
Isn't that dumb?
Yes, that's very dumb.
And for your pleasure tonight, the
best striker in the league: Yann Doberman!
Help me welcome him and
the rest of the team!
Listen, I used you without
asking what you thought.
I'm sorry.
I was only thinking of myself.
I don't want you to do
anything you don't like.
We can stop everything,
if you want.
Tell me...
What do you want?
How was the car ride?
No traffic jams?
Flowers...Did you get my flowers?
Yes, they're very
pretty. Thanks.
You came, so you can't
be too mad at me.
I came to support Didier.
We are on our way...
to crash the game...
We are on our way...
To make trouble at the game!
To make trouble, to make
trouble at the game!
We have tickets,
we have tickets.
Watch out!
This is going to be
your lucky day!
Hey guys, look!
It's John and Yoko
Coin toss goes to FCB.
Good dog, good dog.
That's very good.
The team captains
are shaking hands.
Let's hope that these two
teams play a fair game...
Hopefully it's cleaner than what we've
had the misfortune of seeing in the past.
Dioto takes the kick-off and
passes it to Curlsse.
Yes, Curlsse, the great Curlsse...
who returns the ball to Dioto.
And the ball is taken away by Gurlecki....
Now it's being stolen from him-
Open your eyes!
Open your eyes!
And Paris has the ball...
From Gurleck to Doberman.
Watch out!
Close in! Close in!
Good job, Didier!
He steals the ball...
and he's taken off on is own!
He has good control of the ball...
He's looking for a teammate...
He passes...
What's he doing?
He had the whole field!
If you tell him to get the ball
and pass it to Merenguez...
then he'll pass it to Merenguez!
Paris has the ball...
Oh no, that's dangerous!
That had to hurt.
It reminds you of something,
doesn't it Jean?
Yes, it wasn't exactly the same,
but definitely close.
Piece of crap TV....
I didn't see anything.
Look, the goalkeeper
is out cold!
Oh yeah, he's out.
(Crowd Singing))
That's can't be fun.
What are the goal posts made of?
They're kevlar.
And the coach is sending
in a replacement, it's Perrier.
Oh, a new offensive plan from
PSG...to Doberman...
He's going to run into
Didier along the way.
What a good dodge, huh Robert?
A perfect technical move...
or a "juke", as it's called
in our soccerist jargon.
Nice recovery, a little
unorthodox, but effective.
- He pushed him!
- He did not push him!
Oh no, he's on the ground.
Oh no, he tricked Didier!
Parisians take the ball back
and charge up the middle.
This can't be happening!
Come on!
He's a super player, that
Romanian you brought us.
Coco, one day I'm going to rip
off your head and use your ponytail...
to give you a tail.
It will be an improvement.
No one's on Doberman!
He's all alone out there!
And it's a beautiful goal by
Doberman for Paris Saint Germain!
Hey Perrier, come up here!
Maybe you'll see better!
Oh, it looks like thinks are heating
up between the players.
Oh no, this doesn't look good.
They're going to kick him out.
Red card...expulsion.
What were you thinking?!
The referee was paid off!
Of course he's paid... Do
you think he works for free?
With no goalkeepers left on the
bench, who will Kamel choose?
Another random player.
That's one way, it's definitely
difficult to choose someone.
Who will get the short straw?
You know what I mean, Robert.
Oh, Kamel chose his new goalkeeper.
It's Didier Asavinius who was appointed...
Yes, so it seems.
But let me remind you of the exact
pronunciation of his name...
What ethnicity is that?
It's a Labrador.
You guard the cage.
Guard the cage.
The cage is your house. The
ball can't get in your house.
You catch the ball and
throw it away....
Far, far, far, far away. OK?
Presenting #5, in the
position of goalkeeper...
Didier Asavinius!
It's 1-0 for Paris. They really want
to score a second, huh Jean?
Yes, the Parisians are playing
very, very well, Robert.
FCB is making its way to the net...
And what an amazing technical move!
Not a very nice looking
save...huh Jean?
Hands, butt, head...
they're all allowed.
A technical move realized
with a lot of technique.
Didier! Your hands.
You can use your hands.
Please sir, you can't
stay here.
A magnificent goal to tie
the score from Merenguez!
The first goal for FCB...
is scored by #12,
David Merenguez.
It's been an exciting first period.
Yes, and both sides
are playing strong.
Free kick for Paris!
When are they going to put
in a big screen here?
Bravo Didier!
Good dog! That's my
good dog!
A very beautiful kick...
Oh oh, watch out...
No, throw the ball away!
Didier can't go in the
goal with the ball.
There you go...a goal.
And yes, a goal for Paris.
He needs to brush up
on the rules.
But after making such
a wonderful save...
how is is possible to make
such a stupid mistake?
Well that's the glorious
incertitude of sports, Robert.
At the end of the
first period...
the score is
PSG 2 - FCB 1
You've sold me lemons before
Jean-Pierre, but never this bad.
I didn't sell him, Richard.
You gave him to me, for a season.
I don't need the season. You
can take your donkey back.
He's not a donkey, he's human.
Stop talking to people like
that. I hate it.
You're really not cut
out for this job.
It's time you found
something else.
In any case, it would be better
if we never crossed paths again.
Did you get that?
Coco, you get 45 minutes
credit...one half time.
Mental state can be very fragile...
It's important to stay motivated
and focused until the end...
But that's the most difficult
part, Robert.
But it's all his fault!
Why, you've never made
a mistake before?
It never happens to you?!
So, let's start over.
We don't have a choice.
Offense. Now we
are on the attack!
Gomez, pass up to Balul...
Balul you push forward.
Curlsse will support you. OK?
Forget what I told you before.
Now we attack! OK?
Let's go. Let's win.
Yes or no?!
Yeah ok.
Didier, come here.
OK, go sit down.
Now in the second half...
but Didier isn't worried.
Maybe he should throw the
ball instead of goofing off.
I think he heard you.
Hey! You want to take a
photo while you're at it?
Why his he going back
to his own goal?
I have no idea.
Didier that way! That way!
A tie-making goal by
Didier Asavinius from FCB.
The score is now 2-2.
It's incredible!
Didier Didier Didier
It tells time.
Even though you only
came for Didier...
I'm really happy you're here.
Listen Jean-Pierre, frankly
I don't care about soccer.
You know I don't care.
But...I've been
thinking a lot lately...
and I realized...
that I care a lot more about you
than what I've shown you.
That I showed it badly.
For once, you're talking
without asking a favor.
I want to live with you and
build a life together.
And so...I'm asking you...
to reconsider my case.
But that's Didier!!
Come, this is incredible.
There's a dog on the grass.
That's my Didier.
It's in!
Its amazing!
A...uh..a dog scored
the tie-breaking goal!
Its now 3-2 for FCB!
Will they accept it or not?
With everything happening
on the field...
a dog head-butting a goal
with his head could be accepted.
Maybe if he had scored with
his paw it wouldn't be.
I thought FCB would lose,
but this is 10 times worse!
Oh look, now the image
is really clear! Look!
Yeah, but the sound sucks.
Well yeah, you just
have to orient it.
What a cute tail!
We are asking everyone to
please evacuate the field.
The game isn't over.
Please allow the players on
the field...
Good game.
Bravo Didier.
Please don't drive too fast
because he gets car sick.
Are you doing OK, Didier?
It's so weird to see
you like this.
Can you understand me?
We've been so busy these
past few days...
we haven't had time
to talk much.
I didn't get to thank you.
Thank you.
Jean-Pierre, I'm sure you
understand clearly...
But what's the deal
with that dog?
I have no idea what
I'm doing here.
You asked me to follow
you. I followed you.
We left in the middle of
the game. Ok, fine.
I don't care. I don't
even like soccer.
But it would be nice if you
could explain a few things.
But there's nothing to explain.
What's wrong?
Do I have something
on my nose?