Die Hart 2: Die Harter (2024) Movie Script

[instrumental music]
[Curtis Mayfield
singing "Move On Up"]
Hush now child...
[Kevin] I mean, I'm 30,000
feet in the air, right?
They're saying, Kevin,
come on, please.
Kev, you got to put
on the parachute.
Everybody's going,
please, please, Kev.
At this point,
they're begging me.
Tell me that the story ends
with you wearing the parachute.
Absolutely fucking not, no! No!
No, I wanted to be
authentic. Right?
- It's got to be real.
- Yeah.
You know what Tom Cruise
calls parachutes? Diapers.
Is that because they fill
up when you're falling?
No. Tom told me, he said, Kevin,
they put me in a parachute,
they might as well put a diaper
on me and send me to pasture.
Look, Kevin... you know,
based on the success
of the first one,
we see massive franchise
potential with The Jefferson's.
And you know, your agent just
keeps saying that you might
be waffling on doing a sequel.
And I'm just here to ask,
is it about the money?
Look, Deb, The Jefferson's
is amazing, right?
We did amazing work there.
But I'll be honest,
when I walk on that set,
I feel like I'm being babysat.
I mean, they give me
goddamn stunt coordinators.
I have... I have stage managers,
uh, wires, green screens.
Yes, a... and somehow, you
still manage to jump out
of an airplane without a chute.
I wasn't telling the truth
when I told you that,
but I forgot to say I was lying.
So let's take a pause, right?
Put a pin in that,
so you understand
that wasn't the truth.
I had to make that up.
I was pretending.
But you know why
I got to pretend?
Because I'm not a
real action star, Deb.
Kevin, you took a sitcom
about a dry cleaner,
and you turned him into
motherfucking Jason Bourne.
Okay? You are a
real action star.
- No, not yet.
- Not yet?
No. But I will be.
When you fund my next project.
Deb, now, look, what I'm
about to tell you is going
to seem crazy at first,
but I promise you,
if you give it a
chance, you'll get it.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
Deb, I want you to picture
yourself going up a mountain.
[glass breaking]
[guests screaming]
[Man 1] On the
ground! Let's go!
Alright, you rich assholes!
Wallets, Rolexes, jewelry!
All your fancy shit!
- What is taking so long?
- Put it in the bag!
Let's go!
[whispering] Just
stay calm. Stay calm.
[Man 2] Everything
shiny! Let's go!
Get it in the bag! Let's go!
[whispering] They're
coming this way.
I don't have all day here!
[whispering] Shit,
shit! Shit, shit, shit!
Trying to hide, little man?
The fuck did you just call me?
Bet you got a big wallet
for such a little man.
Now, put it in the bag!
You want my wallet? Huh?
Get back. I got this.
[whispering] You got what?
- I want your gun!
- Shit!
You believe this fucking clown?
Give me your gun!
You're just going to be
the first man in history
to shoot somebody
with a safety on?
- What?
- Huh?
I don't like guns.
Oh, shit!
- Not enough.
- God damn it.
Nice to beef you, motherfucker.
Hey, it's not about
me. It's about you.
I'm glad everybody's safe.
It's a crazy world
that we're living in.
- A lot of nut jobs out here.
- Oh, Kevin!
Kevin? What just happened?
Real goddamn action!
That's what just happened.
- Okay.
- Real fucking action.
That's the adrenaline
that I want audiences
across the globe to feel, Deb.
This... this was all staged?
Yeah! All of it.
They're actors.
I just wanted to give you
a little taste of what
our movie was about, right?
This is the movie that
we're going to make.
So what I did was, I
brought an outline, right?
A little rough outline
to give you a little idea
about what we're going to do.
- Oh, boy.
- Right?
The world of our movie lives
in improvised action.
It's spontaneous ass-whoopins.
That's what this is about.
That guy spontaneously
hit you with a gun.
[Kevin] You're
talking about Larry?
Larry! Hey! You got me good.
- I'm gonna feel that one.
- Yeah, you are.
You goddamn right.
[chuckling] Fucking Larry.
You're not well. Oh,
no, you're not well.
[Kevin] This is about
me getting a respect
that I deserve as
an action star, Deb!
[Deb chuckles]
What is it that you
want me to say here?
[Kevin] What do I
want you to say?
Deb, I want you to
say, I'll do it!
My answer is no. Never.
This is never going to happen,
not at my studio or
anyone else's. No.
[Kevin] Please?
- No.
[Kevin] Can you just give it a...
- No, no, no, no.
Deb, can you just...
Can you just please give
it a... give it a read?
[Deb] Oh.
- Okay? Here.
There you go. That's
all... that's all I want.
Can you just...
I'll read it.
We did it! Yeah!
[horn honking]
Hello, Mr. Greenlight!
She loved it, right?
I told you she was
going to love it!
What's the budget she
gave you? $300 million?
$400... $500 million for this?
Just drive.
I am so sorry, Kevin. That's
not... that is not fair.
You are a king, and this
town doesn't deserve you.
Do you hear me?
You are a king!
You are my king! Praise!
Wait a second. Is
that her right there?
Is that her, the one
throwing away the script?
Is that her right
there? Excuse me, ma'am!
Excuse me, ma'am, in the
red jacket! How are you?
Kevin Darnell Hart is
a national treasure!
- A national treasure!
- Just drive the car!
[Andre] We're going
to drive the car!
But honestly, get
your shit together!
Nice to meet you!
[Kevin] Drive the
fucking car, Andre!
[instrumental music]
[upbeat music]
Today is gonna be the most
amazing day of your life.
Your papers.
You say the same thing
every day, Andre.
- And every day, you're wrong.
- Oh, well, come on.
You're just cranky,
because you haven't
had your tofu tahini smoothie.
I'll get that for you
right now. Sophie! His TT!
I really hate that
you call it that.
Here we go. Big gulps.
- There you go.
- No.
I'm cranky, because the movie
of my dreams just flamed. Okay?
Now, I don't know what I'm
going to do with my life.
Well, I mean, come on,
man. You still have us.
That's amazing,
right? You have us.
What the hell does
that mean? Ooh.
Hannah, Sophie, me, your
man TJ right over here!
I'm talking about your village!
I know what you need.
I know what you need.
A massage.
Nina, these are all set
up for the new hot stones?
I can be in about ten minutes.
She can be in about ten minutes.
Kevin, the crew are
ready whenever you are.
Yeah. I'm ready.
[Andre] You got this!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There you go.
Oh, God. How you doing?
Good. Great.
Kev, now just pretend you're
biking through the Swiss Alps.
We'll CG the Alps in later.
What is that?
I'm on foot, though.
I need a bike, right?
We'll CG that in, too. Action!
[Kevin] You just want me to...
[Director] Just go for it.
Act like I'm riding a bike?
Exactly. [Andre]
Straight arms.
Kevin, look at this.
Kevin, look at this.
[Kevin] Hey, man. Not... No!
I can't... can't do
this shit! I can't.
I... I cannot do this
shit any more! Alright?
I'm tired of the CGI and
the goddamn green screens,
all this fake shit!
No, uh...
[Kevin] I want real
fucking action!
Ah! [Andre] Kevin, no!
Nina? What's the ETA
on those hot stones?
[crowd screaming]
[Reporter] It
appears A-list actor
Kevin Hart is back
in the news again.
Star of the high-octane
reboot of The Jefferson's,
Hart has spent his own money
destroying a high-end Hollywood
restaurant in an
attempt to woo a studio
boss into financing
what he refers to
as a cinema verit-style
action film.
This comes just a year
after the actor famously
fired his long-time
stuntman Doug Eubanks
in the middle of
production, a decision
that left insiders dumbfounded.
Bring me this man.
[ominous music]
Bring me this Kevin Hart.
[Reporter] also
known as Mr. 206.
[Kevin] Wow. This is big, man.
No, like, this is really big.
Andre, I don't think
you understand!
I cast my dream out into the
universe, and guess what?
Karl Stromberg comes running!
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
But I got to say,
boss. I don't like it.
I mean, you don't even
know this guy, right?
I tried to look him up, and
nothing came up on Google.
Duh. It's because
he's European.
They got their own Google.
Everybody knows that. Alright?
Listen, the guy is
loaded, got tons of money.
And if his desire is to make
my movie, then so be it.
- I'm good.
- I can't do it, boss.
I am so sorry. I can't do it.
My job is to look out for your
best interest, and I don't...
Uh, what did you just say?
It's my job to look
out for your...
It's not your job.
As a matter of fact, that's the
complete opposite of your job.
You know who looks
out for me, Andre? Me.
That's who looks
out for me. Me!
- You know what? Pull over.
- What?
Pull over. I'm driving
myself. I don't want you...
Kevin, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Kevin, you can't drive
yourself. You need me!
- You need me!
- I do not need you.
Correction! [chuckles]
I don't need you!
I didn't need my stunt man!
I damn sure don't
need an assistant
telling me how to live my life.
Pull over!
[car honking]
Don't... don't hold the
wheel in the middle!
Shut up, Andre!
I said shut up!
- I know how to drive!
- We know!
We all know! He knows
how to drive a car!
We know! But let's say
you put your hand down.
- You pop it in D.
- Pop it in first!
Nope, that's reverse!
Whoa! You know what?
Why don't I help you out?
I'll get in there, I'll
start her up, I'll roll out,
and everybody will
think it was you.
[Kevin] I don't want your help!
Good, good, good! Good!
Good! Good, good, good!
[Kevin] Yeah,
smooth! Very smooth!
You're leaving!
[Kevin] Yeah! Fuck off!
I'll drive all the way home!
[cigar cutter clinks]
[opera music]
So, Karl...
Karl, what is it, uh, what is
that you do for a living, man?
I made my fortune
mining precious metals.
[Kevin] Mm.
Now, I finance films,
primarily in the Balkans,
once in North Korea.
It's probably hard to get
permits over there, huh?
Permits are for cowards.
Your outline... is dangerous.
It's violent.
It's almost no
narrative that makes
sense to a regular human being.
I am not the regular
human being. No.
- I am Karl Stromberg.
- Yeah.
[Karl] And that is why...
I will finance
this film for you.
What did you just say to me?
You're telling me
that you're going
to finance my
goddamn movie? Huh?
[chuckles] Dude, you
just made my day, man!
And I don't have to do my pitch!
Because my pitch is expensive.
I ain't going to
break all this glass
and stuff in here, because
I know I got to pay for it.
Dude! You just...
I was in a dark place, Karl.
I was in a real dark place, man.
You just pulled me
out of a dark place.
Because people
underestimate you.
When you left comedy
for the action,
they said you'd fail.
Did they?
When you fired your stuntman
to do your own stunts...
they said you would fail.
You heard about that?
[Karl] Everyone
heard about that.
It's only you and Tom Cruise
who do your own stunts now.
That's... that's a fact.
Two peas in a pod,
man. What's going on?
What you doing?
This film, Kevin...
will put you in
your own category.
Ah! One pea in one pod.
Yes, right.
That's right.
One pea, one pod.
Hell, yeah.
That's what it's
supposed to be, Karl.
You know what, man?
I know we just met,
but I feel like I've
known you for a long time,
because you get me.
I'm so sick of this...
this CG and this
green screen shit!
So what'd you think of the
story, Karl? About me...
No one watches
movies for the story.
They watch it for the action.
And the nudity.
I don't really...
I don't really have
any dick in my script.
But if you want some, if
you feel like people want
to see dick, I
can add some dick.
I can... I'm not afraid
to go full frontal.
I'll do it. Right?
If that's what the people want.
My biggest thing, though,
is the action, man.
I just don't... I don't
want to see it coming.
Right? I want to be
caught off guard.
- You will shit your pants!
- What you talkin' about?
We will have a change of
pants available at all times
for when you shit your pants.
[inhales] Because I'm scared.
[Karl] You will shit.
- I... I will shit.
[Karl] You will shit...
- Yeah.
[Karl] ...your pants.
- I'll shit my goddamn pants.
You will shit!
[Kevin] I want to shit!
- You will shit.
[Kevin] Alright! I wanna shit!
- You wanna shit?
- Yeah! I will shit!
You shit your pants!
I'm ready to shit
my pants, Karl!
I want to shit my
pants! Right now!
When... when do we
start so I can shit!
[Karl] We already have.
There's a camera hidden
right behind you.
[ominous music]
[chuckles] I think I see it!
The little... the black... the
space with the black, right?
[weak groaning]
[cutter clinking]
Back up!
Get your ass back!
I don't know who you
think you messing with,
but I tell you, you got...
Oh, shit!
He going to fucking eat my ass!
He going to eat my ass and
set me on fire or some shit,
ain't you?
Who are you? Huh?
Where am I? Tell me...
tell me where I'm at!
Who... Wait a minute.
Do you work, you work
for Karl Stromberg?
I said, do you work
for Karl Stromberg?
Okay. Okay, we in it.
This is it. We're doing it.
Okay, Karl! I like
it! I like it!
Um, okay, shit.
Okay, let me see. Where...
where are we in the script?
God, my adrenaline's
flowing so much.
You got me! I thought you was
really trying to eat my ass!
Alright. Uh, okay,
three, two, one.
[blabbers] Okay.
Rice, peas, carrots,
let's go. [sniffles]
[dramatic music]
You know, I've been
searching the globe for you.
You're a hard man to
find, Mr. Bartholomew.
I think you got a line.
You got a line!
Uh, you say your part, and
I'll react off of that.
Because what you say sets
me up to now have my...
Unless you're not union.
Or... Is he union or no?
Guys? Can you not just...
Oh, rewrite. There must
have been pink pages.
Okay. Uh, let me get back in.
What you going to do with those?
Chop off my finger? Hmm?
Cut off my leg? My foot?
Newsflash, I only need
one foot to kick your ass.
That is a trailer
moment! Guys! I only...
[Man on speaker] Good evening.
Do not use the
shears on this man.
[Kevin] Is that...
is that the producer?
Is that Karl? Karl!
[Man on speaker] He
must atone for his sins.
What is that? Atone for
my... I don't know...
[Man on speaker] He
must feel the pain
he has made others feel.
Yeah, I'm lost, guys. I
don't know where we are.
Um, if we're going
to do rewrites,
you guys got to
give me the pages.
I'll stay in it. I'll
stay in it. Uh...
[metallic whirring]
Okay, alright. Okay.
Why don't we... why
don't we take it easy?
Because I know why
you're mad, huh?
You're mad because...
Stop right there.
Let's stop right
there. No, no, no.
Let's make that your mark.
Nope, stop right there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa,
whoa, whoa! Whoa! Hey!
[Man on speaker] Count to ten.
No, fuck you! Wait!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey! Hey, man!
Hey! No, no,
don't cut my dick!
Don't cut my dick! That's
not... Okay, use it.
I'mma use it! Stay in it.
[Kevin] Come on!
Come on!
Damn it!
No, not today.
Did we get it? Huh?
[laughs] Spin it! We got it!
Yeah! Oh!
[ominous music]
Comin' to beat
your ass, Montoya.
This set's
incredible. So good.
It's Montoya's men.
[woman yells]
Jordan? The hell
are you doing here?
[muffled yelling]
Son of a bitch!
Did they hurt you?
Hm? Did they hurt you?
Kevin, what the
hell is going on?
The uranium heist.
That's what's going on.
- Wait, what?
- I already handled Bartholomew.
But General Montoya, he's not
going to let us off as easy.
What the hell are
you talking about?
I was walking my dog,
and someone hit me
in the fucking neck
with a tranquillizer dart!
- Huh?
- And I ended up here.
What are you talking about?
You didn't talk
to Karl Stromberg?
Karl Stromberg about the movie?
Right now, we're in
it! This is the movie!
It's a live-action movie!
We're improving all
the action scenes!
No green screen,
no fucking cables.
It's real, raw.
He's going to take
my acting career
and my action status
to the next level.
So this is all your fault?
[Kevin] Well, I
mean, it's my script.
It took me I don't know how
long to develop it. But Karl...
- What the hell is your problem!
- Stop!
What is wrong with you?
- Shit! Ow!
- Annoying!
Stop. Shit! That's sharp!
How long were you
laying on that?
Damn it!
Now, why you got an attitude?
This is a simple
outline! It's a layup!
Okay? I'm a triple agent.
MI-7. I'm the highest
of high, right?
Like, you can't get
higher than where I am.
But you... you're
my love interest.
They took you hostage because
they knew that's the only way
to get to me.
So now, I'm here,
and I got to get you.
- You understand what...
- You're pathetic.
And I'm pretty sure that
kidnapping is a felony.
Well, I'm pretty sure
that when you're an adult,
they don't call it kidnapping.
So that's... [chuckles]
That's pathetic.
Fuck you, Kevin.
What do you mean fuck
me? Why are you at me?
You should be mad at
Karl Stromberg! Not me!
I do not know who that is!
[ominous music]
You don't want him to hear you.
Who? Who will hear me?
There's no one here! And
do not say Karl Stromberg.
Are you saying Strum or Strom?
Is it Strum or Stromberg?
Because I don't know.
[Kevin] Okay, hey, hey, hey.
There are cameras everywhere.
We're filming a movie!
Where? There are no
cameras anywhere!
Will you look around?
There's cameras everywhere!
Okay, listen. Listen.
All I need you to do is
just grasp what's going on.
This is a big opportunity
for both of us.
Okay? Just get in character.
[dramatic music]
They got this place locked
down tighter than Fort Knox.
Oh, God. You wrote
this dialogue?
Those motherfuckers knew
I would come rescue you.
Beautiful damsel in
distress like yourself.
[music stops]
Yep. Thank you
for rescuing me.
Just like any woman, I
wouldn't know what to do
if a man didn't show up to
save me and tell me to eat
so I don't starve and breathe
oxygen, so I don't suffocate.
Let's cut. Let's cut.
Can we cut?
Can you work with me?
- I'd rather not.
- Please.
[Kevin] Thank you.
- Okay.
[Kevin] Alright, guys, we're
going to go again. Alright?
[dramatic music]
Do you have any idea what's on
the other side of that door?
There are some dangerous men
on the other side of that door.
I'm talking mercenaries,
killers, ninjas,
failed karate
school instructors,
people that want to
do bad things to me
just because they can.
There's a bounty
on my fucking head.
I'll tell you what, Esmeralda.
I'll pay that bounty.
And I will give them my head...
if it meant saving your life
so that you can
finish med school
and open up that clinic
that you always wanted to...
Ow! Shit!
Open up that clinic that
you always wanted...
Esmeralda, wait.
Esmeralda! Hey!
[ominous music]
Oh, you fucking piece of shit!
You leave her out
of it, you hear me?
She's got nothing
to do with this.
This is between me, you, and the
78,000 kilos of stolen uranium.
[glass breaking]
Alright. That's how
you want to have it?
Let's have at it.
I'm so over this.
Kevin, next time you have
a terrible movie idea,
leave me out of it, yeah?
- Ah!
- Oh, shit!
I'm sorry, but did this
central casting goon
just hit me in the face with
a real fucking ass... Cut.
No, no, no, we need
to cut right now!
I don't know what weird
production this is,
but I need to speak
to a producer!
Is that all you've got?
Jordan. Let me
get in there now.
Slam his ass!
Jordan! Let my
character get some!
Tag me in!
[glass breaking]
Hold it.
Whoa! We got that!
What a scene!
Good job! Here.
I think I'm the one
that was supposed
to kick his ass, though.
Because I'm the lead.
So I'm quite sure that
was supposed to be me.
But we'll fix it in post...
Go, go, go! Go!
[Jordan] That guy was
trying to kill me!
Kevin, not acting!
Not a movie! Literally
trying to kill me!
No. It's cinema verit.
I know it's a little different,
but that's what it is.
Different? A little
fucking different, Kevin?
- Wow, shit!
- Are you okay?
Yeah, I know you're just
trying to get me to apologize.
- Just give me a second. What?
- Kevin.
You've been hit. With
a real fucking bullet!
That's not real blood.
[Jordan] What?
- Of course it's real blood!
- No. Taste it.
I'm not going to taste
your blood, Kevin!
You can! You can!
It's pig's blood!
It's not my blood. [chuckles]
[Jordan] Does that feel fake?
- Ow! Ow!
- Shit! Shit, shit.
I gotta lay down!
No, no, no, no,
no! Wait, look!
There's a photographer! Look.
He wants your picture! See?
Go on! What the fuck!
If I had what now?
[Jordan] Just an
unexpected accident
with a very small,
flying, fast, like projectile
object through his shoulder.
And I just think
some painkillers
would really help him.
I know I don't have
a prescription,
but I can assure you,
this is an emergency.
I see.
You want to score
some good drugs?
Some xannies, some
ox, chuckleheads,
wet Garys, Shriek and
Jimmy's, moon pie, spider pie?
Look, I'm not a drug addict!
I'm an actor! Don't
you recognize me?
Okay, it doesn't
matter. Alright?
My idiot friend got
shot with a real bullet,
an actual fucking bullet
from an actual fucking gun!
And now, he's bleeding
out in your alleyway!
And if you don't
help me help him,
you're going to have
a body on your hands!
Would I know him from anywhere?
[Jordan] You're lucky
it just grazed you.
Here. It's the
best I could do.
- The hell is this?
- It's for the pain.
Pharmacist was a
real piece of work.
Well, you're a piece
of work for bringing
this out here to me.
I can't drink this.
This is my competitor!
You got to go back in there
and ask for Grand Cormino.
Are you being serious right now?
Kevin, you've been
shot! I was kidnapped!
- Grown woman acting. Okay.
- You need to fix this!
- You need to fix this now!
- I told you, I can't! Okay?
Even if I wanted
to, I can't do it.
And by the way,
it's all by design.
I gave all the rights
over to Karl Stromberg,
who is a great precious
metals magnate.
You do hear how
that sounds, right?
You... you hear the words?
You know, Andre was right.
Andre, your assistant?
Yes, my assistant. No,
my former assistant.
He was right, though. You
know what we're going to do?
We're going to pay
Karl Stromberg a visit.
Yeah, that's exactly
what we're going to do.
We're going to tell him he
needs to get back on book.
Because right now, he's not
following my guidelines at all.
And we're all over the place.
In order for this movie
to be the best thing
that we know that it can be,
we got to get back on pace.
Okay? We're paying
him a visit.
[Kevin] Well, at least
my car is still here.
Yeah, but it's the only one.
This place is dead.
Yes, because it's the
weekend. That's why.
Kevin, it's Tuesday.
[Kevin] Oh.
Wait, what the fuck?
Kevin, it doesn't
look like anyone's
been here for weeks.
No, that's not true.
I was just here.
I was just here.
Stromberg was
right there. Okay?
That was the last week, or it
may have been a week before.
I don't know what
week it was, because I
got knocked the fuck
out. But I was here.
He was sitting at
a desk, right here.
This is where he
was. He was...
You will shit your pants!
I'm not crazy.
I knew he was here.
Would I have this
if he wasn't here?
It's the butt to his cigar.
You know what he was doing?
He was doing real weird
stuff with the cigar,
licking it, putting it in his
nose, slobbering all on it.
I was watching him
while he was doing it.
Closing his eyes.
[sniffs] All of a sudden...
[Jordan] Why did
you have to drag me
into your stupid fantasy
death wish movie?
What are you talking about?
All I said was think
somebody like Jordan King.
Keyword, "think."
It was a suggestion.
Oh, great. Thanks
for the suggestion.
He probably wanted
you because you're one
of the biggest stars in Sweden.
What if that's the case?
I'm pretty sure Greta Thunberg
is the biggest star in Sweden.
The environmental activist?
Yeah, they have their
priorities straight.
Hey, whoa.
Wait a minute. Come
here. What's this?
[Jordan sighs]
Look, will you just look?
[tense music]
The hell is this?
Whoa. It's the VHS.
I haven't seen one
of these in years.
Hey, it's Brian Penn from
Buchwald Associates reading fo...
Um, I'm sorry, is
it Stromberg or...
That's Karl Stromberg!
[Man on TV] It's Stromberg.
It's him! I mean, he...
It's different
hair, but it's him!
Bring me this man,
this... Kevin Hart.
I... I'm actually
going to go thicker.
Kevin, it's an audition tape.
Yeah, well, obviously.
I can see that.
I see that it's
an audition tape.
The question is, why? Why
is it an audition tape?
Oh, my god. Wait a minute,
is Karl Stromberg even real?
[Jordan] What, you didn't
google him before the meeting?
[Kevin] He's from Sweden.
You want me to go all the
way to Sweden and google?
That's ridiculous. Stop.
[Jordan] Are you on drugs?
[phone ringing]
Quick, answer it!
[Man on phone] Hello,
Mr. Action Star.
Congratulations. You escaped.
Uh, do you know you shot
me with a real bullet?
[Man on phone]
Of course I know.
That bullet was
meant to kill you.
Oh, that's stupid.
You kill me, and then
you don't have a movie.
[Man on phone] You
moron. There is no movie.
There never was.
What do you mean
there's no movie?
You'd better stop
talking like that.
That's blasphemy,
and you know it.
There is a movie.
Okay, who is this?
Are you the producer?
[Man on phone] You have
forgotten who you are,
where you came from.
I didn't... didn't anybody
forget where they came from.
[Man on phone] Then
what was the name
of your first elementary
school teacher?
Ms. Foxen.
No, Ms. Clarkson...
Clarkson... Clarkson.
Yeah, Ms. Clarkson.
[Man on phone] And the
hospital where you were born?
What does that have
to do with anything?
[Man on phone] The name.
[whispering] Go on.
Uh, Saint Falkenstein.
- That sounds wrong.
- Saint Falkenstein Hospital.
What... Hey! Enough
of this shit!
Cut the shit! Who are you?
Who the fuck are you?
[Man on phone] I'm the
person who's brought
an end to your life.
You are no longer cared for.
- You're worth nothing.
- Uh, excuse me.
Can I ask why I've
been dragged into this?
[line disconnects]
Great, Kevin! You took all
the phone time with him!
[Kevin] Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse the fuck out of me
for trying to figure out
what was going on with
my life, trying to hear
a serial killer voice out.
I'm sorry that I
inconvenienced you!
- Shh! Shh!
- Goddamn it, Jordan!
Shh! Do you hear that?
[quiet beeping]
It's the VCR.
What the fuck?
[gasps] Oh, fuck, it's a bomb.
- What?
- It's a fucking bomb.
Well, disarm it!
You fucking disarm it!
Oh, yeah, 'cause I know
how to disarm a bomb.
Oh, I do 'cause I'm Black?
That's what you think?
Every Black man know
how to disarm a bomb?
That is not a thing, Kevin.
[Kevin] Oh, I bet
it's not a thing.
Get your racist ass
back. Move, move!
Quick, quick, quick. Come on.
Oh, my God. Open it, open it.
[grunts] Pull, pull!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Back. Get back,
get back, get back!
[clanging stops]
Well, I guess it
is just a movie.
Yeah, and that
was a fake bomb...
[alarm blaring]
[both coughing]
[Andre] Where's my keys?
- Oh, my god!
- Oh, you're okay.
You're okay. What
was that sound?
Andre? What the hell
are you doing here?
- Come on, go.
- What are you talking about?
- We gotta go.
- I'll get the door for you.
Go now!
Kevin, that was a
real fucking bomb.
A real fucking bomb!
Okay, Jordan, well, can you
put yourself in my shoes?
I will not, no. No.
I do not have to do
that. Do you know what?
Just shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Hey, Jordan. I'm Andre. I
don't know if you remember me.
Hey, man, put your
hand on the wheel.
[Andre] You got it.
I'm actually... I'm
Kevin's protege.
Sorry, I'm Kevin's assistant...
Former assistant. Fuck me.
Of course I remember
you, Andre. So what?
Kevin kicked you out in the
middle of the street, did he?
No, pish-posh.
No, of course not.
Technically, it was the
sidewalk and I love Skid Row.
Everybody's got a story to tell.
So many teachable moments.
Wait, you... you didn't go home?
You just waited here
this whole time?
Well, yeah. I mean, I always
carry a spare key, right?
That's what I do. And
I don't mind waiting.
- It was a quick 25, 30 hours.
- Thirty hours?
I would wait a lifetime to
make sure Kevin is okay.
Stop it. Stop it. I
didn't ask you to do that.
- Don't act like I did.
- I know, I know.
And I know you fired me.
Oh, right, you fired him
because he tried to warn you
about the Swedish mobster that
was actually a shitty
actor who was working
for someone trying to murder us.
Okay, I don't understand
what's happening.
I really don't. And Jordan,
I'm just gonna throw
this out there right now.
I feel like you're
still mad at me.
I will never not be mad at
you for the rest of my life.
I am so sorry to interrupt,
but where am I going?
Because I've just been driving.
Hey, hey, we're
going to my house.
- You got it.
- Okay, go to my house.
No, I'm not going to your house.
- I'm going to my house.
- Your house it is.
No, you're not
going to your house,
because I need to
know that you're safe.
Oh, right, yeah, just
like Andre wanted
to make sure you were safe.
[Kevin] You know what? I
know what you're doing.
I know exactly
what you're doing.
You're trying to do
one of those things
where you make me evaluate
who I am as a person, right?
That's what you're trying
to do. But guess what?
I'm not gonna do that,
because who I am as a person
is who I'm okay with,
and I'm settled in.
[Andre] It's not working.
I'm gonna try one more time.
Are you sure you're
punching in the right code?
Of course, man.
It's your birthday,
like I'd ever forget that. It's
tattooed on my inner thigh.
I rub it every morning.
- See what I'm dealing with?
- Okay.
All the time, this
is what it is.
It's not working.
[Jordan] Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe the person who's
behind all of this
changed the gate code.
[Kevin] Wait, and
they think I'm dead.
So maybe this is to
our advantage, right?
[Andre] Hm. [Jordan] Maybe.
Yeah, no, there's...
Oh, shit, security.
It's security, Jordan.
Get in the back. Hide.
Dude, maybe we just exit
now. Should I go now?
[Kevin] No, no, no. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
[Andre] I should
just... I'm gonna leave.
You have to leave.
Stop, stop, stop.
[Andre] Are you sure? He's
huge. He doesn't like me.
[Guard] Sir...
- Hey, what's going on?
How are you, my man?
Nice to meet you.
Are you aware you're
trespassing on private property?
I did not. I... I
was not aware, no.
Please reverse out
and have a nice day.
You got it, my man.
[Kevin] No, do not reverse.
- You can't reverse.
- You know what?
I'm not... I can't...
My boss actually
lives inside there.
So if I can just jump in there
real quick, it'd be great.
Reverse out now, and
no one has to get
pumped full of electricity.
Of course. I'm positive
no one needs that.
No, do not reverse.
Do not reverse.
- Do not reverse.
- I'm not gonna reverse.
Do not fuck with me.
[Kevin] He's bluffing.
- You're bluffing.
I assure you, I'm not bluffing.
He's fucking bluffing.
- Fuck with him. He's bluffing.
- Fuck you. You're full of...
[electricity crackling]
Compliments of Mr. H.
[Kevin] Well, I didn't
tell him to do that.
[Jordan] Andre?
[Kevin] Is he okay?
[Jordan] Andre? Andre?
[Jordan] Hey, Andre, m... maybe
one of us should just drive.
[laughing] No, you don't have
to worry about that. I got it.
- I got you, my man.
- Damn it.
I got a crook in my
neck that's a bitch.
I... I swear, I gotta get
to Nina so she can fix this.
- Who's Nina?
- Kevin's full-time masseuse.
She's my full-time masseuse.
[laughs] Of course.
Oh, okay, well, I'm
glad that my life
getting destroyed amuses you.
Well, didn't you basically
ask for all of this?
[mimicking Jordan] No, I didn't
basically ask for all of this.
I did not do that.
I asked for a movie.
There's a big difference.
A movie has cameras
and sound, lights.
That's what that has in it.
This is not the
same, not the same.
We need to go to the police.
[Kevin] No, no, we do
not need to go to police.
Whoever this guy is, he
thinks that we're dead, right?
So we use that to
our advantage, okay?
We make him think th...
that we're not here.
We disappear. We just gotta
figure out where to go.
Man, this is where Natasha
would come in handy,
'cause she would know
exactly where we should go.
- And who the hell is Natasha?
- She handles...
She's Kevin's Airbnb consultant.
- This is getting ridiculous.
- Oh, my God.
I know exactly where we can go
where no one would
ever search for us.
Who's in?
Okay, make yourself at home.
Uh, do you guys want
anything to drink?
Kombucha, coffee, tea?
Yes, yes, kombucha
would be great.
I don't have it.
You called my bluff.
I don't have
kombucha. I'm sorry.
- No, water would be brilliant.
- Water is gonna be great.
- Thank you, Andre.
- Fantastic.
And you? You want some water?
I'm not putting my mouth
on a cup of this house.
Nice, nice.
Jesus Christ, you
actually live here?
[Andre] Yeah, my
little slice of heaven.
Ugh. [Andre] What was that?
- I said, ugh.
- I love it.
It's actually really
charming. [Andre] Thank you.
You know, my mom and
I are kind of always
messing with the motif in here.
Went through a huge
Southwestern phase.
So much turquoise.
[Andre and Jordan laugh]
So your mom helped you decorate?
Oh, yeah, big-time.
She's my roommate.
[Kevin scoffs]
- She's right there.
- You gotta be shitting me.
No, no, no, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid. Watch this.
You want to meet her?
[Kevin] No, I don't have to.
Here we go. Mom, you're okay?
Your mouth was open real
wide. [Kevin] Oh, my God.
- Oh, my. Oh, my.
- Don't charge me.
Oh, my God. [Andre]
Fix your bra.
It's... it's Kevin Hart,
America's treasure.
It's a family... No,
you don't have to...
And... and Jordan King.
Or should I call you Wheezy?
[laughs] No, that's just a role
I'm not paid nearly
enough to play.
Uh, "Jordan" is fine.
[laughs] Come here.
I gotta squeeze ya.
Come here. Oh!
You two gotta eat. We're
gonna have a feast.
Andre, go to the freezer.
We're gonna defrost the
Christmas pork chop.
We're doing the
Christmas pork chops?
[Andre] We've been waiting
for this for, like, six years.
I don't think we
have that much time.
You don't have to do that. We
don't want to steal your meat.
- We have plenty of time.
- You gotta save that meat.
You're eating my meat.
[Andre] Tell him,
mom. Tell him!
- No, no, no, no.
- You're gonna want my meat.
No, we don't want your meat.
People talk about
it all the time.
- Well, we don't...
- Did you hurt yourself?
[Kevin] This is not...
- Did you know there was...
Ah, shit, woman!
Did you know there
was blood there?
- Yeah... Ow, ow!
- And up here?
- Stop.
- God, you are Kevin Hart.
You can't walk around
with bloody clothes on.
You're too sophisticated.
Take your shirt off.
- Come on, I'm gonna wash it.
- That's alright.
I'm already doing a bloody load.
Come on, take it off. Come on.
[Andre] Take it off,
Kevin. What are we doing?
Yeah. [Andre] Come on.
[Jordan] So nice of you.
- Somebody's got a cute tummy.
[Andre laughs]
[Kevin] Come on, that's a lie.
- Mom, look at him.
Remember, I was telling
you about his belly button?
It's right there,
mom. You got it.
Take my chance.
[blows raspberry]
Oh, god. Let me just...
Please, let me get it.
Stop it, please.
[Cynthia] Oh my goodness.
[Kevin] Thank you. You got...
- Oh, that's...
- You gotta be kidding me.
- Well, that hit my eyes.
That is... that is...
- That's a man right there.
- Yeah, we were filming.
[Cynthia] That is good.
- We're doing an improv action...
I can't believe he's in our
house. I love you so much.
[Kevin] ...movie where
basically all of the action...
- Such nice people.
- Nice people?
- Who?
- You're so mean.
How can you be mean to
this guy? Look at him.
He might be the nicest, sweetest
person I've ever encountered.
How could you fire him?
You want me to start at the
beginning? I don't know.
Maybe because he doesn't
respect boundaries.
- He cares about you.
- Oh, you just stop it.
The man clipped my goddamn
toenails one time...
while I was in
bed... with a woman.
Exactly. Struggling,
by the way, to perform.
Had a lot on my mind,
a lot on my mind.
Brown gummy worm
was in full effect.
- I don't want to know this.
- Loose noodle.
Call it what you
want. I looked down.
I see his face looking up
at me. Now I got no shot.
Okay, thank you for the context.
Just giving you... giving
you a play-by-play.
But listen, when I go to
set, it's me acting, right?
But to get there, I've got reps,
my dialect coach, my assistant.
And then there's
personal trainer,
hair stylists, makeup artists.
The... the list goes on.
And then there's family and
friends who have supported me
and sacrificed for me.
I'm sorry. I got lost
in what you were saying
'cause I felt it was bullshit.
You have that, too, Kevin,
and then some, okay?
It's why you're a star.
No, that's not true.
I'm a star because I made
myself a star with this.
Sure, yeah, that's the story
you keep telling yourself,
but you had help.
Hey, how are you guys doing?
[laughs] The pork
chops are smelling
so much like shrimp
right now, it's amazing.
I got you a shirt, my man.
I think it'll fit
perfectly, okay?
Do you see it? [Kevin] Nice.
[Andre] Yeah, I
made that myself.
Okay, thank you for that.
Ah, I wanted to ask you earlier,
but I didn't get a chance to.
Who's... who's that?
- This one?
- Yeah.
That's my dad. He's
been gone a long time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hey, you know, my mom raised me.
I know.
Did your dad, uh,
get a little afraid
of parenthood and run off?
It wasn't anything
like that, actually.
He was amazing. He was kind.
Uh, he was gentle.
By the way, Richard
Pryor's assistant.
Your dad is Rich...
I guess you could say assisting
just runs in the family, right?
Wow. That's legendary, man.
- It is, right?
- That's huge.
It's huge, until it killed him.
What do you mean?
It's a big show, and crazy
fan got through security.
So my dad jumped in
the way of a knife
that was meant
for Richard Pryor.
[Kevin] You're
playing. [Andre] No.
- Cut him from the stomach...
- What?
Right up, back down.
- What?
- Killed my dad on the spot.
Oh, my God, man.
I can't. I can't process that.
Neither could I. It was
enormous for our whole family.
Why would somebody want
to kill Richard Pryor?
Who? [Andre] Well, yeah, why?
That's crazy, right?
Yeah. I bet, by the way...
I bet my dad, when he
was dying, was looking up
and was like, Why would you do
this, or something like that.
- Has to be, right?
- Maybe, maybe. Maybe not.
I mean, at that point,
that's not what's important.
Somebody tried to kill Richard.
Right, my dad was already dead.
The thing we gotta
worry about is...
- Who is this guy?
- God's gonna do...
Are there more of 'em? Yeah.
- Okay? You can't rewrite that.
- No.
No, we can't. I tried to.
God, I've been to
so much therapy
trying to rewrite that moment.
What could I have done?
I was a child, but maybe I
could have jumped in the way,
or something like that. Yeah.
On the bright side, though,
if you think about it,
he died doing what he
loved the most, assisting.
He was so happy
that he brought joy
to someone who brought
joy to so many people.
He taught me every
single thing I knew.
You know, man, maybe...
Maybe I didn't mean to fire you.
I think your exact words were,
I didn't need a stunt man.
I sure as hell don't
need an assistant.
You said it to
me. You yelled it.
And then you told me to
get out of your car, right?
Oh, no, you're absolutely...
You're... you're right.
But I'm just saying,
now, looking back,
I'm saying, maybe I do...
Maybe I still do
need an assistant.
Oh, God. Alright?
- I need you, too.
- No...
- I need you, too.
- Not the same.
- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
I have never been this hard.
Alright, I'm gonna tell my mom.
Mom, you'll never believe it!
Something else, huh?
[Jordan] I'm proud of you.
- Shut up.
You know, if you start
treating everyone
in the Kevin Hart universe
with that level of respect,
I think you'll be
happy with your life.
You really are something else.
I mean, you paint me out
to be such a monster.
Name one other person that I
have disrespected, just one.
Give me one.
I can absolutely name someone.
[Kevin] Hey, Jordan.
- Yeah, hi.
I just looked at the call sheet.
I didn't see your
stunt double on there.
- Oh, I sent her home.
- Why?
Well, I grew up on motorcycles,
and it's a simple one today.
I just have to drive
through the glass
of a dry-cleaning business
before it explodes.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Simple for who? Who?
Who's it simple for, you?
Well, that's what
you have Doug for?
Do you know what this
would look like if you go
do all your own stunts
and I don't do mine?
Do you know what people
will think of me?
Uh, they'll think
you're an actor?
And listen, I'm not
jumping off the cliff.
I'm not jumping out of a plane,
and I ain't fighting no
alligator for anyone.
You don't think I
can do my own stunts.
You don't think
I'm tough enough?
That's what Doug is for,
for exactly this thing.
You think I need Doug?
Maybe I don't.
Maybe I don't need Doug.
I think he just heard you.
Hey, Doug.
I'm gonna go talk to Doug.
[Kevin] Hey, there
he is, my guy.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
[laughs] You ain't
gonna believe this shit.
I'm talking to Jordan.
I just found out Jordan
sent her stunt double home.
You know what she trying to do.
You know exactly what
she trying to do.
She trying to show me up,
and I'm not gonna have that.
I can't have that.
I'm Kevin Hart, right?
So, here's the thing, right?
Let's get into this relationship
'cause it's one of the
best that I've ever had.
How long you been with me, man?
Damn, that long, huh?
It's been a long time.
I know you gonna be fine,
and it's time for
you to fly, right?
So with that being
said, uh, we're done.
I... I'm gonna go ahead and...
Is "fired" the word, I
guess? I guess it is "fired."
So I'mma fire you, but in a,
but in a dope way to
where we still cool.
I... I'm gonna go
on and get ready.
My guy!
- It's stunt time.
- Kevin, this is a terrible...
[Kevin] It's stunt time!
[Jordan] Listen, I'm not
trying to show you up.
[Kevin] Hey! Enough, Jordan.
It's all good,
Mr. Action Star.
[glass breaks]
Now, you listen to me, alright?
I've been in this
business for goddamn...
goddamn, how long?
How long?
You telling me that
my goddamn reputation
doesn't speak for myself?
It fucking should!
When... when does
Cap Four shoot?
Does Mackie have a guy?
He does. He gets it.
Everybody's got a
fucking guy, huh?
What about Adam Driver? Now,
you said he's billed. Huh?
Listen, I can do work for him.
I... I can be Adam's
driver, right?
Yeah, no, listen, I'm
serious about that.
I don't give a
fuck. I'll drive.
I... I'll be Adam's driver
driver driver if I have to.
God damn it Scott! Fuck you!
[crying] I've been in the
goddamn business for years.
[ominous music]
[Kevin on TV] You know what?
This is my me time. I
really enjoy working.
I find a lot of
peace, happiness,
and, uh, solace in creating.
And now my creating is
about putting other people
in positions to win, um,
amplifying other careers
and opportunities, not just me.
So, hopefully, it
continues to grow.
[Kevin] I can't believe
that my stuntman
would do this to me.
No, I gotta do something
about this... Oh.
Oh, whoa, whoa, Kevin.
Uh-oh. Oh, no. Let
mom look at this.
Hold on. Oh.
Oh, we gotta change
this dressing.
Take him to the bedroom.
- Prop him up.
- Here we go.
- Get some wet towels.
- Here we go.
Shouldn't he go to a hospital?
No. I'll get him
back on track.
It's what I do.
Wait, you're a doctor?
[Cynthia] I'm better
than a doctor.
I'm a mom.
Left, right, left, right.
He's gonna be fine.
My mom is a miracle-worker.
How about you? Are you okay?
Uh... Well, not really.
This is my problem, too.
Doug probably blames
me for losing his job.
That's why he's put me in this
deadly little game of his,
just for payback.
Yeah. Okay, that's fine, then.
When Kevin gets
back to full health,
he will think of an
incredible plan for all of us.
No, no, fuck that. We
can't just sit here.
We need to do something. We need
to get to the bottom of this.
Who is the person
Kevin trusts the most?
- His agent.
- Really?
Let's pay them a visit.
Right now? We
can't go right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jordan, we can't go right now.
[Andre] But what about
this? What about this?
You're famous, Jordan.
You get in there,
they're gonna recognize
you. That's a problem.
Second is, Doug actually
thinks that you're dead, right?
- You blew up.
- Shit, you're right.
Oh, my God, I just thought
of something amazing.
Thank me. Thank me now.
Let me hear it first?
Smart. That's a
smart move, okay?
In the back, there's a disguise.
I always keep a spare disguise
for Kevin in the back.
Grab that bag real quick.
- You have spare disguises?
- Yes.
I mean, sometimes Kevin likes
to live anonymously, right?
Whether he wants to go grocery
shopping, feed the ducks,
heckle a stranger.
[scoffs] Yeah, I'm
not wearing this.
[Andre] Come on. Did you
see all of them real quick?
Like this one right here,
okay? This one right here...
- Andre, the road!
- I'm doing it.
It's a hard left
with my knees, baby.
Look at this.
[funky music]
This is so embarrassing.
We're lucky that you and
Kevin are the same size,
you know what I mean?
Think about this as your
greatest acting role to date.
You got this. You got this!
That's fantastic. Okay, and...
Uh, we're here to see,
ahem, Scott Hayman.
And you are?
Ronald Mondolvia III!
A pleasure to meet you.
And this is the
wickedly talented...
Bill. [clears throat]
My name is Bill.
Bill Mondolvia. We're
both Mondolvians.
This is my uncle
on my mama's side.
Shit-fuck, can this
man cook a goose.
What was all that before?
Mondolvia... That's
nobody's surname.
What do you expect, okay?
I couldn't concentrate. Your
accent was fucking insane.
- My accent?
- Yes. "Blah, blah, blah."
Okay, it wasn't
great, but I mean...
- My accent? I nailed my accent.
- It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter,
because there's no way
they're letting us go back
to see Kevin's agent, okay?
They've probably
already called security.
So if security comes,
we just pretend to be
Ronald and Bill Mondolvia,
the very famous
Instagram influencers
who make unboxing videos.
What is this?
We unbox it, and it's
a smaller box, okay?
No, no, no. She's
going to the loo.
I don't think that Bill
would call it the loo.
I feel like he's
more old-school.
I feel like she's
about to take a shit.
[whispering] Play it cool.
Like and subscribe, please!
[whispering] Stop, stop, stop.
Right there, right there.
Right there, that's
Kevin's agent.
Who is he talking to?
How are you doing, man?
It's not Kevin.
[Cynthia shushes]
[water sloshing]
Try not to move.
Mr. Kevin Hart needs
to regain his strength.
[Kevin moans]
As long as it takes,
you'll be here in my house,
listening to my stories,
eating my Christmas pork chops.
[Kevin moans]
[Cynthia shushes]
When my husband was wounded
years ago, I couldn't save him,
but now I've got a
second chance with you,
Kevin Hart, America's treasure.
Cynthia's treasure.
[ominous music]
[phone ringing]
[Cynthia on phone] Hello?
Mom, mom, put Kevin on.
[Cynthia on phone] I
can't. He's sleeping.
[Andre] It's an emergency.
Put him on right now, mom.
Come on, wake him up.
[Kevin on phone] Hello?
Are you here to rescue me?
I think I've been poisoned.
Kevin, listen up
very closely, okay?
We've just been on a deep-cover
reconnaissance mission,
and we fucking nailed it.
[Jordan] Doug is you. You've
been replaced by Doug.
[Kevin on phone] Wait, what?
Replaced? I don't understand.
That's because my
mommy just gave you
a very low-dose narcotic.
Don't worry about it.
But when you come to,
you have to understand
that Doug is trying to
convince people that he's you.
He's fixed his teeth.
He's changed his hair.
I mean, his mannerisms...
Oh, my God, he's... he's you.
[Kevin on phone] Yeah, well,
he can't fool my staff.
They'll know it's not me.
They're my village.
[people chanting "Kevin"]
You get a raise.
You get a raise.
You get a raise.
That's right, everybody
gets a raise, huh?
You know why?
'Cause I'm Kevin.
I'm Kevin!
Sorry, Kevin is
suddenly very tired.
He needs his rest.
[Jordan] No, no, no, no.
[Andre on phone] Mom,
no... [Cynthia] Bye.
[Kevin moans]
[Cynthia shushes]
If Kevin wants to
get through to Doug,
there's only one man he
can talk to, Mr. 206.
I don't... Who's...
who's Mr. 206?
[Jordan] He's a pretty
famous stuntman,
and he's Doug's mentor.
Okay. Okay, fine,
then this is easy.
We just take Kevin
to see Mr. 206.
[Jordan] We? Nope, no way.
I will not be going to see 206.
He is a complete psychopath.
He nearly killed me
in a stunt rehearsal
and then tried to
make me apologize.
Jordan, Jordan, Kevin
needs you right now.
[Jordan] He needs me?
- He does, right now.
[Jordan] Oh, I thought
Kevin doesn't need anyone,
until he needs everyone.
Okay, fine, then I'll
take him to see Mr. 206.
Why? This is Kevin's problem.
You should just let
him go on his own.
No. As long as I'm
Kevin's assistant...
[revs engine]
he'll never drive
himself anywhere.
- It's in neutral.
- I am so sorry.
We're slowing down. I
was trying to go faster.
We did the opposite.
[birds chirping]
I am so happy my mom was able
to nurse you back to health.
What did you just say to me?
The woman put drugs in
my goddamn pork chop.
- She tried to poison me.
- She's amazing, right?
Look at you now. Okay,
come on, come on.
So tell me, why do
they call him 206?
'Cause there's 206
bones in the human body.
They say, before he became
a mentor in the stunt game,
that he broke every
single one of 'em.
Actually, no, it was 205.
But then, on his
last day of filming,
they say he broke the 206th one.
What? Which one was that?
Pinky toe, right foot, snapped.
[Kevin] Uh, hello?
Uh, 206?
Hey, M... Mr. Two
Hundred And Six?
- It's 2-0-6.
- Right.
[Mr. 206] Sign says no
soliciting. Go away.
Yeah, no, we... we didn't
see a sign. There's no sign.
[Mr. 206] Who took
my fucking sign?
We didn't take it.
Hey, either way, we're
not here to solicit.
We... we're not
selling anything.
You don't even recognize
my voice. [laughs]
You know who's at
the door right now?
This is Kevin Hart,
comedian, actor.
I just told you... to go...
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
The fuck away!
Hey! Shit!
Come on, baby, it's me.
- It's me.
- It's Kevin Hart.
Give me one good
reason why I shouldn't
kill the both of you right now.
Kevin's about to have a movie
that's gonna get him an Oscar.
[Kevin] Well, okay. Wait,
wait, wait. Your protege.
We're here because of your
protege, Doug Eubanks.
What about him?
Well, we... we're here
'cause he's losing his shit.
Yeah, no, he's absolute...
That's not true, 'cause
you don't deserve a lie.
I'm not here to lie to you.
I'm gonna be honest
with you, man.
I screwed him over.
I screwed him over,
and I'm here because
I want to make things
right, and I can't do that
without you, Mr. 206.
Well, how do you like your tea?
[mystical music]
Do I make you uncomfortable?
No. I... I'm just so
nervous for you, sir,
because you got really
hot tea, and it's just
right above your balls, so...
What are you doing?
What are you...
[pours tea]
[Andre] Oh, my
God, what the fuck?
[Kevin] Oh, man, come on.
- What the fuck?
Come, on man.
The ancient Babylonians believed
that undergarments were
a sign of weakness.
I tend to agree.
I respect that.
I respect that.
I just...
[clears throat]
I just want to,
I wanna thank you
for taking the time,
'cause I know you didn't...
Cut the compliments.
Tell me why you're here.
I, um, I know you're
Doug's mentor, right?
If there's anyone who
knows how he operates,
how he thinks, it's...
I need your help.
Watch your eye.
Watch your eye.
Let's walk.
Doug Eubanks is more than
just a former student of mine.
He's my friend, my confidant.
Briefly, in 2003,
he was my lover.
Doug is the most
fearless stunt performer
that I've ever trained.
One time, he asked me to
stab him with an ice pick
'cause he needed to know
how it felt so he could
replicate that reaction when
the cameras are rolling.
- Did you do it?
- With pleasure.
As a stuntman, you embrace pain,
lay your life on the
line for your actor
every day you step on set.
And occasionally, an
actor says thanks.
Sometimes they don't say thanks.
Sometimes they just fire
you without warning 'cause
all of a sudden they think
they're John fucking Rambo,
but they're nothing but a
little bitch with a giant ego.
Yeah, yeah. So, hey, are you
gonna talk to him for me?
Actors talk.
Stuntmen... stunt.
You're gonna have to fight
Doug, and you're gonna lose.
Well, shit, then why are you...
Why are you even
talking to me, then?
Only reason I'm talking to you
is 'cause every
person is trapped
in a story of their own design,
and I know the exact story
you're trapped in.
Yeah, it's a revenge story.
It's not revenge.
It's redemption.
No, I'm pretty
sure it's revenge.
What do you really want?
I want my life back.
I want to defeat Doug.
Defeat Doug? Doug's the enemy.
Doug's the bad guy?
You're the good guy?
I just want to make sure
I'm hearing this right.
Okay, maybe we're both bad guys.
No, Kevin.
You're both good guys.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, I'm trying
to figure it out.
He fucked Doug.
I didn't hear that. What?
He fucked Doug.
I didn't catch that. I was...
Right at the top, he said it.
Right over there, he said...
No. I saw a
ladybug. I gotta...
So that means he's kind
of fucked you before.
[Kevin] No, no. Wait a
minute, no, he hasn't.
This is my dojo.
Well, it kind of looks
like a bunch of trees
if you ask me, but alright.
- Goodness gracious.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
- Coming through.
- Yep. Yep. Sorry.
- Coming through.
You've really gotta
share the trail, guys.
- It's our fault.
- Sorry.
We didn't even know it
was a trail, to be honest.
I had no idea.
So this is where you're gonna
train me to face Doug, huh?
Let me explain something to you.
Stuntman's Creed, be thy actor.
Every role you ever trained
for, Doug trained harder.
Every martial art
you supposedly learn,
Doug learned it for real.
He had to, 'cause when
the cameras were rolling,
it was his ass on the
line, not yours, sitting
in video village,
sipping lattes,
eating sushi off of nude models.
Hey. First of all, I got
a bad case of pinkeye.
I learned my lesson.
Hasn't happened since.
You never appreciated Doug.
Actors never do.
Anyway, I recently learned that
there's a lot of people that
I may have underappreciated.
[Mr. 206] Good, Kevin.
That's growth.
- See that branch up there?
- Yeah.
Climb that tree, crawl
out to that branch,
and give me a dead
drop to the ground.
[mystical music]
Uh, how am I supposed to...
You want to know
how Doug thinks?
You want to know
how he operates?
You must see the
world as he sees it,
without fear,
without hesitation.
I'm a little scared, though.
I'm just gonna throw
that out there.
- It's not like I'm...
- I volunteer as tribute.
Damn right you do.
This is Kevin's journey.
That's his dead-drop branch.
No, that's what you
don't understand.
You know why? Because
what's Kevin's is mine.
- Well...
- Well, right.
I mean, not your
material wealth.
- Of course, or your income.
- No.
- Or your success.
- No.
Or your rare collection of
cars, which are amazing.
- No.
- Right, none of that.
But his pain, his anguish...
Basically, anything that's
bad, anything that's bad...
that's mine, too.
That is my journey.
- What?
- Brother.
Oh my gosh.
What's happening, guys?
Guys, this don't look
good from the back.
What's going on?
Kevin, you can't
compete with Doug...
but you clearly have the one
thing he will never have.
You have a sidekick.
Andre? No, Andre is my...
Andre's like my...
What would you call it?
[indistinct chatter]
No, no, no. No, no.
- I'm his...
- Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
Andre's your what? I
want you to say it.
Well, he was gonna say it, too.
No, no, he's right
there. Andre's your what?
You don't have to do this, man.
He's your what?
Well, he's my
assistant, my assistant.
[gibbers] He's your...
- He's...
- Say it.
Andre's my...
He's my sidekick.
- Say it.
- He's... Andre's my sidekick.
[Mr. 206] Say it.
[Kevin] He's my sidekick.
[Mr. 206] Yeah, I
need you to say it.
Okay. Andre... Andre
is my sidekick.
God damn it, Kevin,
I need you to
fucking say it!
And I need you to believe it
deep down in your fucking bones.
Andre... Andre is my sidekick!
- Huh?
- I said, Andre is my sidekick!
Who's your sidekick?
I said, Andre is my sidekick!
[Andre] I'm your sidekick!
- Andre is my si...
I'm your sidekick!
What's happening to me, man?
[Mr. 206] It's growth, Kevin.
Growth hurts.
That's a pain that no
double can take for you.
You see, Kevin, you came here
seeking a mentor, but it's you.
You are the mentor.
Hell yeah.
[Mr. 206] You know
what? You know what?
You two... take
this moment, talk.
Talk over your new bond.
I'm gonna go get my tea.
[Andre] What a fucking day.
[laughs] I mean, now
that I'm essentially,
I've been deputized
as your sidekick,
I have an idea for Doug. We
could work together on this.
We gotta get close to him, okay?
We don't have to record
him or anything like...
What's wrong? What's wrong?
[ominous music]
That scar on his hand.
I think I recognize that scar.
[door opens]
[engine turns over]
[engine roars]
[upbeat music]
[phone ringing]
[Guard on intercom] We don't
have any scheduled deliveries.
Please turn around.
Hey, pal, I got a hot date
with my old lady in 30
minutes, meatball sub night,
and alls I knows
is I got a package
from Debra Simon at the studio.
Now, I can either leave it
here, or I can take it home,
but you gotta tell me
what you want me to do.
[Guard on intercom] Go ahead.
That's what I thought. I'll
see you in a bit. Up, up!
Hey, Ronald Mondolvia, Mondolvia
Plumbing, license and bonded.
You know, some guys are
licensed, not bonded.
Other guys, they're
bonded, not licensed.
Me, I'm both
licensed and bonded.
Debra Simon sent a plumber?
Not a plumber, my
man. The plumber.
I can plumb anything
with pipes. Fuck it.
Sometimes I don't
even need pipes.
One time I plumbed
a manila envelope.
Water was spouting
fucking everywhere.
- It was insane.
- So what's in the van?
Oh, my God.
Hold on to your fucking
beautiful, beautiful balls
because this, my man...
It's a commode.
Imported Italian marble,
beautiful one-piece
construction, 12-speed bidet.
We got a little air
fryer on the right.
You want to cook, eat,
circle of life, shitting,
eating at the same time,
there's only a couple
of these in the entire world.
This, my friend,
probably one of the best
presents in the universe.
So can you, you know, eh?
You gonna help me fucking
bring it in, or no?
Alright, fuck it, whatever.
[Andre] Yeah, okay.
I'll supervise. Pick it up.
Use your back.
Whoa, big boy. Big
boy coming through.
Big boy coming
through. Big boy.
Okay, Andre has the
guard's attention.
You sure you're ready for this?
In our family, if an
A-list actor is in trouble,
we don't stand quietly by.
We fight, and if
we must, we die.
Wow, well, the world could
use more people like...
Wait, what is your last name?
Oh, Mondolvia.
Where the hell
does this thing go?
Oh, that is the
million-dollar question, huh?
Let me think about this.
Well, you could powder-room it,
show it off like a prize pony,
or you put it in the main bath.
Keep all that for yourself, hmm?
Now, there's a third
option, alright?
Listen up closely 'cause
this one's fucking insane.
You can put the
commode right here,
smack dab in the middle
of the living room,
and you take a big,
greasy shit right here,
look everybody
right in the eyes,
make them wonder
what your deal is.
And I know what you're
thinking, holy shit,
that's aggressive, right?
But they'll respect
the shit out of you.
Wait a minute, don't I know you?
Don't you know?
Don't you know?
[yells] Yeah, boop,
boop, boop, boop.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, you
know what it is?
Isn't this the place
you took a shit
so big up there that
people thought there
was a dog loose in the pipes?
How the hell am I
gonna take a shit...
Man, what are you
talking about? No.
- Wasn't that you?
- No.
- No?
- A dog in the pipes?
[Andre] Maybe it
was a dachshund.
Looked like a
dachshund, your big...
[fireworks exploding]
- Oh, no, is that the dog?
- Wait right here.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
Yeah, I'm gonna wait right
here in New York City,
you know what I mean?
Kevin? Kevin, are
you okay, baby?
Everything went
incredible up here.
You alright? [Kevin]
Yeah, I'm alright.
Sweating my goddamn
ass off, though.
Jesus Christ, how you
ain't cut no holes in here?
Let's get you out of here
and kick some fucking ass.
What do you say, huh?
[Kevin] Alright, come on.
- Let's go.
- Yes!
[fireworks whistling]
- What are you doing?
- Funny story.
You're gonna lose
your goddamn mind.
I drilled this puppy
a little bit too hard.
I can't get it out without
the aid of some tools.
So give me a second. I'm
gonna grab some tools.
I'll be right back.
Okay, talk soon.
Hey, Andre, you
better stop playing.
Seriously, man. Andre?
[knocks] Andre?
[fireworks whistling]
Hey, were those fireworks?
I live next door, at
the Mondolvia estate.
Did you set those off? You
know that that is illegal.
They're not ours. I don't
know who set these off.
Well, it scared the
bejesus out of me,
and I have a pacemaker.
What do you have to
say for yourself?
Look, lady, I told you,
they're not my fireworks,
and I didn't shit in any pipes!
[electricity crackling]
That's for Andre.
[Kevin knocks]
[Kevin] Andre?
Andre? Come on,
man, I'm serious.
There you go. What
took you so long?
Where you go? Leaving
me in this box
with all that goddamn
quiet. Don't do that.
[chainsaw starts]
The fuck is that?
[chainsaw revs]
Andre, that's a
chainsaw? Okay, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
[shouting indiscernibly]
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
Slow it down. Slow it
down. Slow it down!
You're gonna cut
my fucking head!
You're gonna cut my head!
No more chainsaw.
No more chainsaw!
No more chainsaw, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Shit. What the fuck, Andre?
Oh, shit. Oh, oh, oh, shit.
On behalf of stunt
actors everywhere,
I'm excited to say, this
is your day of reckoning!
[laughs maniacally]
Hold up!
Trying to tell me a big old
stunt legend like yourself
need a chainsaw?
That's what the fuck I'm
talking about. Two men.
How about two dogs in
a bowl? I want to eat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you got a knife.
Big old man like
yourself, stunt legend,
you need a knife
for little old me?
That's what you need?
Fuck it.
I'll kill you with my
hands. [Kevin] What?
Yeah, you know this
ain't go too good for you
in that little, shitty hallway.
Man, Jordan whooped your ass.
Mask I was wearing was 100
percent polyester, unbreathable.
Sweating into my contacts.
Hell, a child could
have kicked my ass.
Oh, that's a real
elaborate excuse,
don't you think?
Superman punch!
Oh, shit!
Ah, shit.
[bones crack]
Shit. Andre!
Andre, do the sidekick stuff!
I made all that shit
up about your sidekick.
You think I'd help you?
You think I'd put a
greedy, unappreciative,
overrated actor over a stuntman?
[laughs] I just thought
it'd be fun to give you
some false hope before you died.
[screams] Shit! Yo,
you gonna break my arm!
Yeah, and every other
one of the 206 bones
in your body, and then
I'm gonna eat your ass.
I knew it. I knew
you were a ass-eater.
[Kevin cries]
Oh, hey. [Kevin]
I'll stab you.
Cute knife. What are
you gonna do with that?
You gonna hurt me
with that? Huh, huh?
No, but she is.
Oh, shit.
Oh, you got him.
It's... Okay.
Um, holy shit.
Okay, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey,
look at me. Look at me.
Eyes. You good.
- You what?
- Th... thirsty.
Well, get you
something to drink.
You fucking threw a
knife in his head.
I didn't know what else to
do. I meant for his shoulder.
How did you mean
for his shoulder?
Fucking size of the fireplace.
That's him.
He's awake. It's a good sign.
It's a good thing. Look,
he's fine. He's fine.
[Kevin] What are you
talking, he's fine?
[Jordan] I mean, he's...
He's a fucking zombie. What
do you mean, he's fine?
[Cynthia] Oh, god, he's
gonna burn himself.
He's gonna get a burn on
his hand or something.
It's not really the worst thing
that could happen to
him at this point.
[Jordan] That's true.
- Oh.
Hey! There he is.
How you doing, man?
Jesus Christ.
- He's okay.
- He's just taking a nap.
He's not dead. He's fine.
- He's okay?
- Yeah.
Wait, where's Andre?
Where's my sweet boy?
[Doug] Don't you worry,
'cause I found him.
[Andre] Alright, I'm sorry.
I made an oopsie-daisy.
I got captured.
I thought I heard your voice,
but it wasn't your voice.
It was his voice. I'm the
worst sidekick in the world.
- Hey, shut up.
- I'm gonna shut up.
- Shut up.
- I'm gonna shut up.
You hurt one hair
on my son's head,
I swear to God, motherfucker,
I will split you
from chin to balls.
- Who the fuck are you?
- That's my mom.
I love you, mom. If I
die, I love you in heaven.
What the hell is your
mother doing here, boy?
I'm here for moral
support, and I love him.
[Andre] I love you, mom.
But I will fuck you up!
- Try me!
- Mom...
I love you.
How come y'all
don't have no guns?
'Cause we're not here
to kill anybody, Doug.
Oh. Oh, is that right?
Then where's Mr. 206 at?
He's... making breakfast.
[crying] This is a
fucking joke to you.
It's a fucking joke to you.
Shut your ass up.
Fuck you crying for?
- 'Cause I can feel your...
- That man was my mentor.
He was my muse, my rock.
And in 2003, for a brief period
where I was confused about my
sexuality, he was my lover.
- Okay.
- Sounds like a very special...
Shut your ass up. Don't...
[Kevin] Hey, hey,
hey, listen to me.
Doug, we are sorry
for your loss, man.
- So sorry.
- We're sorry.
Oh. Oh, you're
sorry, huh? Hmm?
See, y'all are a
bunch of brainiacs.
I thought I had all you dead
in that goddamn
business offices, I did.
[Kevin] Alright, Doug.
Doug, listen to me.
Don't you hurt him, man.
You hear me? Don't hurt him.
[Doug] Oh, 'cause you
care all of a sudden, hm?
All of a sudden, you got
a fucking heart, Tin Man?
You don't care about nothing.
This man ain't nothing
but an employee of yours,
which means he's disposable.
Ain't that right? Hmm?
[Kevin] That's not true.
The man is the complete
opposite of that.
- Andre is 34 years old.
- 35.
He's left-handed.
Afraid of scorpions.
[Andre] I love scorpions.
He won a sixth-grade
spelling bee.
I got fourth place.
He memorized every single
line of House Party,
both Kid's and Play's.
- You did that.
- I did do that.
That is me.
Andre is the one man that
I cannot live without.
[Andre] I'm with
you, ride or die,
although I was hoping
for a little bit
more ride and a little less die.
I think I'm gonna die,
like, really soon.
- Enough, enough.
- I'm gonna shut up.
Doug, now stop it.
You don't even want him, man.
You want me. I'm the
one who messed up.
I'm the one that threw you
out like Tuesday's trash
and left you on the
side of the goddamn curb
without the blink of
an eye. I did that.
You want me, not
him, so let him go.
Let him go and take me.
That's what you want? You
want me to let him go?
Hmm? Say it. Say it again.
I want you to let him go.
- Mama, how about you?
- Please let him go.
[Doug] Let him go, huh?
[Andre] Will you let me go?
You want me to let you go?
Please, Doug.
That'd be so nice.
Everybody telling
me to let you go.
I should just let you go. Hey,
mama, I'm gonna let him go.
- Thank you.
- Make sure you watch, hmm?
- You watching?
- Thank you.
- Now get your ass...
- Ah!
[Kevin] Oh, shit!
- Oh, no.
Oh, my, he let go.
He literally let go.
- Yeah, I let him go good.
- Doug, this ends now.
[Doug] Oh, well, that's
okay with me, Little Boots.
You want to do it the hard way?
Then let's do it the
hard way, motherfucker.
I got your ass.
[whimpering] Honey, oh...
My baby's alive!
[Kevin] He's alive.
[Cynthia] He's alive.
I'm okay. I'm fine, I'm fine.
The table actually broke
my fall. Did you see me?
That was the dead drop I
never got to do in the woods.
That was my tribute
to you, Kevin.
Hey, come on.
Let's get you up.
[Jordan] Take it easy.
Okay, we gotta get
him... Oh, my God.
What happened?
What's going on?
[Cynthia] Nothing.
[Jordan] A tiny, tiny
bit of the table just...
Where is it? What part of it?
[Kevin] Don't touch it.
- Listen, listen.
- Why, why, why?
Don't touch it. It's
nothing. It's nothing crazy.
It's a little
splinter. It's fine.
Get the tweezers.
Let's get it out.
Why are you holding me back?
- Get it out!
- Stop fiddling with it.
[Kevin] Yeah, stop for
us. [Cynthia] Come on.
Let's go get him to a hospital.
It feels like something's
in my kidney, right?
- When I walk, at least.
- Come on.
[Andre moaning]
Okay. Jesus.
[dramatic music]
What the hell is that?
Oh, I installed
customizable lights in here,
but you never had time
to learn how to use 'em.
[Doug] All them years I
was your stuntman, Kevin.
Get him to the hospital, mom.
- Jordan, come with me.
- Okay, be careful.
Come on, honey. Help me out.
[Doug] See, Kevin, it wasn't
just taking falls and
getting kicked in the face
and getting set on fire. Uh-uh.
That's not all I was doing
to make you look good.
You remember Justice
Squad Part Two?
You decided to gain 30
pounds for the part.
That meant that I had to
gain 30 pounds, too, Kevin.
I'm a freaking diabetic,
you selfish fuck.
- I almost put myself in a coma.
- Okay, hey.
Hey, Doug, easy, alright?
I'm sorry, man.
I made a mistake.
Shut your ass up.
[Andre] Mom, no.
Mom, no. Mom, no.
Mom, I can't leave.
No, I'm not gonna let you die.
- I'm not losing another.
- Mom, mom, listen, okay?
Look at me.
I... I know you wish you
could have saved dad.
[sobs] Yeah.
I know, I know, but
this is different.
I'm not just Kevin's assistant.
I'm his sidekick,
and you want to know
the first rule of sidekick?
- Do no harm?
- No.
That's doctor's, mom.
The first rule of sidekick
is there is no sidekick.
That's "Fight Club," mom.
You know that. Brad
Pitt's in that.
Ed Norton's in that, Mom!
Just tell me, then.
[Kevin] Okay, listen to
me, and listen good, man.
Back when I was a sidekick,
I was always jealous
of the lead actor and
all the glory they got.
And I told myself, Doug,
I said, when I
become a lead actor,
I'm gonna get that
same glory. I want it.
I want to taste
that. And I did.
But when I tasted it,
I handled it wrong.
I was selfish. I
was stupid, man.
And now I realize how
much I need my village.
And, Doug, you're a part
of that village, okay?
I need you. I fucking
need you, man.
Give me a chance to
make it up to you.
Give me a chance to prove to
you that this is what I want,
that... that I want
you, I need you.
How about I give you the chance
to suck my dick, hmm?
I'm living the life, boy.
I'm in your goddamn mansion.
Hmm? I live here.
I got your career.
Your agents love me.
Them boys love me good, got me a
part in a movie and everything.
I'm about to be Chucky
in the new Child's Play.
- You took that shit?
- Step back.
Get back before I goddamn
skin your fucking lip.
And I signed up for a
new Woody Allen movie.
Can't wait to see the
press around that.
[laughs wheezily]
No, no, no, no. Come
on, come on, come on.
Come on, wake up.
Wake up. Come on.
[cries out] What?
What's happening?
I think what you were
about to do was to try to
convince me that even though
you've been impaled
by a large piece of
restoration hardware, you
want to go back in there
and fight some lunatic
who is physically superior
to you in every possible way
because you're not
just his sidekick.
You're his best friend.
You're goddamn right I am.
So why go through
all this trouble?
The Swedish actor,
the torture chamber.
You think it's easy stealing
a man's identity, hmm?
You think it's as easy
as stealing his face?
Well, it's not, Little Pretty.
It's much harder than that.
Had to get his goddamn
fingerprints first.
After that, I had to take
all your goddamn passwords.
Once I got that, I said,
we get your voice ID.
All the other secrets
that you hold, I got it.
I got it good.
So now you have everything
you need to be Kevin.
You even removed your mole,
you sick son of a bitch.
[Doug] Yeah, I did.
You know why?
'Cause I'm Kevin
Hart. I'm Kevin Hart.
I got all the
money in the world.
I got the best
dermatologist in the world
'cause I'm Kevin
Hart. [laughs]
Dr. Sanchez would never touch
that rough-ass skin of yours.
But she did,
motherfucker. She did!
[Kevin] Ah, shit!
[all grunting]
No, boy.
Smack your ass. No, no!
- Ah, ah. Hold on.
- What?
Superman punch!
No, not today.
[Doug] I told you.
- Ah, you stupid little bitch.
Wasn't done with you, hmm?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
See, I got your body.
Doug, you ain't got
to do this, man.
- Give me a chance.
- But now...
Doug, no!
Now I want your soul.
Don't take my soul.
I'm gonna get your fucking soul.
What's happened to me? What
the fuck you just do to me?
Oh, shit.
Just stab me in my
goddamn scapula, boy?
- Hey!
- Huh?
That's a wrap on Doug.
Oh, got me good.
Hold on, Andre, is
that the piece of wood
that was lodged in your side?
Sidekick for life.
No, Andre, that was supposed to
stay in to stop the bleeding.
[Cynthia] I told him
it was a dumb idea,
but does he listen to his mom?
I'd do anything for you, man.
Hey, hey, look at me.
You're the best damn
sidekick I ever seen.
Alright, guys, call the cops.
Stay with Doug until
they get here, okay?
I've gotta get you
to the hospital.
This time, I'm driving.
You know, actually, I will
drive. I'm gonna drive.
I saw the way you
drove last time,
so I think I'll
take it from here.
- Why don't we just...
- We'll figure it out.
We'll figure it out.
Yeah, but I'll use
my feet and hands,
and you can sit on
my lap or some shit.
He's in shock. I
got you, buddy.
Keep an eye on Doug.
I got you, buddy.
[Kevin] I mean, I was foolish.
I let my ego run the
show, and I'm honestly,
I'm lucky to be
alive. We both are.
Why is he here with us again?
[chuckles] 'Cause he's
a vital part of my team.
Ah, okay.
[Jordan] Hi, hi, hi. Sorry.
- Sorry I'm late.
- And so is she.
And so are they.
Alright. Who is
the older lady?
Are you talking about
that gorgeous woman
in the back? That's my mama.
Mama, how's the food?
Oh, it's so confusing.
[Andre] Yeah. [Cynthia]
I love it, though.
[Kevin] I'm not really
sure what her role is yet.
We're still trying to
iron out the kinks.
But what I do know
is it takes a village
to operate the
world of Kevin Hart,
and she's a villager.
What's a villager?
Wow, Kevin, I gotta say,
you certainly have changed.
[Kevin] No, I just learned
to appreciate the people
that matter the most in my life.
Lovely day lovely
day lovely day...
Well, does that mean that
you're in for Jefferson's 2?
Yeah. Just gotta check
with my stuntman first.
Lovely day lovely day...
Isn't he in prison now?
Lovely day lovely day...
[scoffs] He is.
Yeah, I don't know.
It slipped my mind.
Ah, I forgot.
[Jordan] Forgot?
[chuckles nervously]
[tense music]
Hey. Hey, guard.
Guard! Hey, let
me out of here.
I'm telling you, you
got the wrong guy.
[Prisoner] Shut the fuck up!
- I'm Kevin Hart.
I'm Kevin Hart!
[dramatic music]
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[dramatic music]
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[music continues]