Dirty Daddy: The Bob Saget Tribute (2022) Movie Script

[Bob Saget] The boys in the stables
Were shoveling up
Contents of stables
Left after the hunt
The car man was feeling a nice piece
Of straw from the stables
Cleaning the walls
In came the dear maid to play with his
dog In the dairy where she did belong
If you think this is dirty
You're fucking well wrong
Look at these guys.
Everybody's here.
I'm uh, I'm Bob's friend,
and I've had the honor of-- well, I--
one of his best friends
for 35 years.
I've put together a little video, so you
could sort of see Bob's whole life.
And, uh... and we'll play it for you.
[cheers, applause]
[Don Rickles] I'll trade you
Laughter for love
My mom is Gumby, my dad is Pokey,
and I'm Mr. Potato Head, so...
I'll trade you one for the other
Laughter for love
What can you lose?
Some madness for mirth
And for whatever it's worth
Whether you like it or not...
A hole cut out around the mouth.
I'll give you all that I've got
There's this new doll out.
It's half-man, half-woman.
It's called G.I. Don't Know.
I'll trade you sunlight for gold
One shines as bright as the other
Love is pure gold
And laughter the sunlight
This is my life
For all of my life
And you are part
Of this life I live
You like me
And I like you
You know why?
I'm the rhyming Jew!
I swear that it's true
I used to suck dick
for coke.
I love to do what I do
I asked to meet her nipples.
To share this laughter I give
For just a little love
From you
You've been real nice.
I've had a good time.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Bob Saget, huh?
[cheers, applause]
I've been saying that I'm not ready
to say goodbye to him,
but I just can't--
I can't.
It just doesn't seem real to me.
I refuse to do it.
But I see him out there,
still doing what he did best.
I see him on that stage, killing it.
Another two-hour set.
He gets a standing ovation,
brings out his guitar,
does one of his funny songs,
he gets an encore,
another encore, another encore.
All of us would really like
another encore from Bob tonight.
And he leaves the club
and he calls his beautiful wife, Kelly.
Says "I'm coming.
I'm gonna go to the hotel,
then I'm coming home, and I miss you."
And she says, "I miss you."
And he says,
"There's a picture that I wanna post.
Will you fix it up?"
And he sends it to her
and she looks at it
and she says,
"You don't need to fix it up.
You're so handsome."
And he gets back to the hotel,
and he puts his head on the pillow,
and he-- and he misses us.
And he dreams
of seeing us all again one day.
And he's smiling.
I know he's smiling,
because just two hours earlier,
he killed it on stage,
and that's what made him so happy.
That's the way I still think of...
Kelly, do you wanna come up?
And... these guys'll be funny.
We'll play some music.
Keep it short.
All right, guys, seriously?
-Bob would be smiling so much right now.
-A lot of people wanna go on.
He would be laughing and loving this
because never did he think that I would be
on stage at The Comedy Store,
being backed up by Jim Carey
and Chris Rock, so... So.
The Pips.
I know.
I was not-- In a million years,
this is not what I was expecting.
-And you too, Jeff Ross.
Oh yeah, and Jeff Ross.
And I get to follow Jackson Browne.
You didn't recognize him
without the reservoir tip.
God damn!
I'm following Jackson Browne
and John Mayer.
Thank you for the lineup, Mike Binder.
Thank you.
Um, so, Bob loved being a comedian.
He loved it more than anything.
He truly loved being a comedian.
He loved growing up on this stage.
On these stages right here.
And he would bring me here all the time,
and he would love taking me on "the tour."
The tour of The Comedy Store,
and he loved-- he would get so excited,
and he would beam and say "Come on, honey,
I'm gonna show you around,
and I'm gonna show you behind the scenes
of all the crazy shit
that went on here
all the years.
And all the places
that people did coke in the '80s."
And... that was-- there were a lot
of stops on the tour about that.
And then, he would just think
about how he loved being a part of this.
And he...
The most important thing to him
was belonging to this club, to this group,
to being a comedian.
He just loved funny people
and he loved being around them.
He loved everything about it
and I know he would be--
He is so honored right now.
He would love this.
I know he's looking down
and he's so happy.
I'm just so grateful-- the girls and I,
we're all so grateful
for all of you who have always shown up
for him and supported him,
and most importantly,
made him laugh.
And loved him all these years.
Because Bob deserved
all of the love in the world, so...
And I loved him
more than anything,
so, thank you all very much.
How 'bout a hand for Kelly,
Her family's here.
[cheers, applause]
How 'bout a hand
for Jim Carey's jacket?
It was willed to him
from Joan Rivers.
Tagged me on the way over here.
You look fantastic.
We have a band.
Can we do some--
Can I talk over some--
vibe over some blues?
-Oh wow.
You're just like a jazz guy now.
Why not?
-I mean, I've been sad for--
-That was Bob's whole life, by the way.
--weeks already.
I'm gonna choose to be happy
for the next couple hours.
This is not a sad blues necessarily but,
when you got musicians like this--
Tell 'em about Bobby
Tell about how Bobby run
I woke up this morning
I put on my grandma's winter coat
He made the people smile
You know a lot of people might not
know this but John Mayer is here,
and John Mayer
very, very, very generously
hired a private jet
to fly Bob's body home
from where he died.
But you might not know,
he also hired the Goodyear blimp
to fly Louie Anderson's body home.
I got the Bob Saget Blues
And it's not like we didn't love Bob.
-We loved Bob.
-It's not a question of loving Bob.
-We loved him.
-It's not a question of loving Louie.
The question is who's next?
My money's on Jeff.
You think I like looking
like Bruce Willis if he'd died hard?
Jim, you think I don't know I look like
if Amazon sold a Jeff Bezos blow-up doll?
All I know is I don't feel safe
with you around.
Unless you put a lambskin on that.
You saying I look like a penis?
Last time I saw something like that,
I was shaking the drops.
I got the Bob Saget Blues
You know one time,
Bob gave me some advice early on.
What was that advice, Jim?
He said...
"Young man,"
Whenever he gave advice,
he talked like an old Native American.
He said "Young man,
the storms may be brutal,
and the winter may be harsh,
but always remember:
you will be fine,
if you turn your wheel
in the direction of the skid."
And it was good advice.
Tell 'em about Bobby
Tell 'em how Bobby rocked
Chris? Tell 'em.
I think it's sad that the motherfucker
had to die to get Jim Carey back on stage.
I only come out on sad occasions.
If this is the only way
we're gonna see you perform,
I'm gonna kill Eddie Murphy
next week.
Tell 'em about Bobby
Tell 'em how Bobby run
I think Bob is more popular now
than he ever has been, right now.
He's America's dad--
that's not a convicted rapist.
Hey, hey, hey.
"My Dog Licked My Balls"
just went to number one.
You know, Bob, uh, like Bill Cosby,
was from Philadelphia,
but Bob, um, put people
to sleep the old-fashioned way.
By doing his act.
He would've loved the outpouring
of support
from all over the world
that he's gotten.
He would've loved it.
And let's face it, somebody had to knock
that cunt Betty White off the Internet.
Ninety-nine years old.
And I told her, I said "Betty--"
I talked to her a month ago.
I said, "Do not go
to that Travis Scott concert."
She said, "I have to go, I promised Travis
I'd be in the front row."
Ninety-nine problems
and a breath ain't one.
But Bob wasn't something
that was taken away from us.
He was something
that was given to us.
And one day...
when the laughs
had hit a certain amount...
he just unzipped his human suit,
and he went for a ride.
And he's floating around right now.
Probably right through this room
at this very moment, flanked by angels.
And they're saying "You made people laugh.
You made people feel loved.
And you made people money."
You created a cathedral of fucking love
in this world.
And that was your life, Bob Saget.
A cathedral of love,
a cathedral of laughter.
Goodness. Light.
-I got the Bob Saget--
-I think I just had a "joygasm."
Bob's message was love.
He told everybody he loved them.
Everybody in here probably--
Let's pump some gratitude into this room
for Bob Saget.
Everybody in here probably thinks
Bob was their best friend,
and he probably was.
Every one of them thinks
he was their best friend.
But I know it was me.
He loved people,
he loved comedy, he loved--
At a point, at a point.
In his honor,
I'm gonna suck dick for coke tonight.
But he loved playing that guitar,
and... I know
because I found it backstage one night
and there was a big hole
in the back.
-He fucked his guitar?
-He fucked that thing.
He fucked the shit outta that thing.
He played a 'D'
and it took him there.
It took him there.
Give us a "D".
I know Mike's a B.B. King "D".
Who do you think got more pussy,
Stamos or Mayer?
That guitar's not gender-neutral, man.
If Mayer and fucking Stamos
have a "pussy-off,"
I don't know
if you remember this, Chris.
-But I came to see you--
I came to the Comedy Cellar up
in New York and you were onstage
and you spotted me
when I sat down.
You went "Is that Mayer?"
And then you said, "I was just having
a conversation with a friend about you."
-Remember you said this?
-I might've...
Do you remember everything
that you say?
"I was just having a conversation
with a friend about you.
I said that you wrote 'cliterature'."
I did say that.
John Mayer writes cliterature,
ladies and gentlemen!
Oooh, Bobby, Bobby,
Bobby, Bobby
Can I talk about what a good friend
he was for a second?
Tell us.
Oh, all right.
One time I was going through a brea--
You can keep playing.
It sounds so good.
It sounds so good.
This is a male-to-male love song.
I was going through a breakup,
as people do.
And I was so heartbroken.
I called Bob.
Bob would check on me
every couple of hours.
And he came by my house
and he picked me up at two in the morning
and he took me
to Astro Burger to get a pastrami--
a lot of my Bob stories are about meat.
He loved an emergency pastrami sandwich,
but in this case, I was really hurting
and he came by, and he picked me up,
and he took me to Astro Burger all night.
And I sat in his car, and I was crying,
eating my pastrami sandwich.
-Oh, God!
-Bob gave me this unbelievable pep talk.
-That's a website.
-You were crying. Think about the woman.
"I blew Jeff Ross!"
"Why did I blow Jeff Ross?
The fuck was I thinking?"
You think it's easy for me?
Looking like Vin Diesel
if he were neither fast nor furious?
You think it's easy for me?
No, it's not easy for you, man.
That's why you're so funny, man.
-And Bob-- And Bob--
-You have no choice.
Bob gave me a pep talk that lasted longer
than that entire relationship
that I was upset about.
And he drove me to his house
and I stayed in Aubrey's room--
Aubrey was--
I stayed in the guest room, and--
for like three days,
and he was there for people.
Even though he had every chance to become
some Hollywood phony, he never did it.
He had every chance to be bitter.
He had so much loss in his life.
Bob never did it.
He worked through positivity.
He always said, "I don't do negative."
He would block people.
His tour was called
"I Don't Do Negative".
and I have a theory
that him and Norm Macdonald
were murdered by Artie Lang.
He taught me that if I got real hungry
I could eat urinal mints,
'cause they're packed with nutrients.
I feel less safe in the world
without Bob.
I feel one layer of protection.
I feel older without Bob.
Like, Bob was a defense shield.
He knew who to call,
what doctor to call
if you had a health issue.
He knew what lawyer
to call if you had a problem.
He knew--
he just knew how to do stuff.
And he was "Bobby Daddy"
to so many people, and...
-That's right.
-Casting's a bitch, man.
And I hope everybody here
either had Bob as a friend like that,
or someday has a friend like that.
A friend like Bob.
Our buddy... Mike Binder,
who helped put this together
with John Stamos,
said he wanted to come say something
and I love this guy.
-Where'd you find him?
Please welcome, the director
of The Comedy Store documentary,
and one of Bob Saget's
besties, Mike Binder.
Ah, man.
Thank you all for being here tonight.
And I just gotta say,
Bob has the best friends in the world.
This guy here,
has been such a good friend to Bob.
And John Mayer.
You're a beautiful guy.
I have really gotten to know you,
and I want to have your babies.
And no, really, Bob--
Everything you're hearing
about Bob is real.
I knew him when he was 19 years old,
and everybody is saying
"Oh, God I didn't--
I'm so surprised how loved he was
and how big he was!
He would've been so surprised."
And I will tell you
Bob would not have been surprised.
Bob figured he was this big.
This is how big Bob thought he was.
He actually told me once,
that when he was gonna die,
he was gonna donate his penis
to science.
And he was dead serious.
And actually, last week,
Kelly got a letter...
and it said,
"Dear Mrs. Saget,
We think we can do better."
Signed, "Science."
I just love his friends,
I love his family,
I knew his family so well,
and his daughters are beautiful.
Just beautiful people,
and, uh, I wanna say...
on behalf of the comedians,
you know,
we're here tonight
supporting scleroderma,
and we're supporting the Saget family
and the Saget girls.
And we're supporting them all,
and we wanna love them,
love the Scleroderma Foundation.
Love Kelly.
In fact, about 11 of us made love to Kelly
in the Saget hot tub this afternoon.
And we're selling that as an NFfor $700,000
if any of you have money
and wanna go to hell with us.
That NFT's gonna
be a hot one.
[Ross] You know, when I think
it's too soon, that's fucked up.
Really, is that too soon?
We have a great show,
and I wanted to say one more thing
about someone who's here tonight
who's an incredible friend of mine
and loved Bob so much.
Jackson Browne is a special guy.
You know, he doesn't--
he had a bad back
and he called me two days ago
and said "Mike, I can't do this."
This is a terrible introduction
for Jackson.
He would not like this.
He's a rock star!
"Talked to him yesterday and he told me
his prostate was killing him..."
-All right.
-"...Like a balloon."
"If I could get someone
to stick their fingers up my ass--"
-Jackson called--
-"Don't know what the fuck is going on.
I'll be down there, but, otherwise,
this thing is raw, and fucking throbbing.
I have a throbbing orb in my anus.
And as long as it keeps time,
I'll be great!"
-All right, take two.
So Jackson's such a great guy and he...
he called me the other day.
He said "Mike, Mike, I really wanna come,
but I was up all night
fucking quadruplets.
'Cause I'm a rock star."
And then today he said
"No, the hell with them!
I'm here for Bob Saget!"
Jackson Browne.
[cheers, applause]
See, this is--
this is not the intro I wanted.
Oh good, they're leaving.
Oh, good.
Would you like us
to clear out of here now?
-We're gonna be very distracting.
-You can stay.
-Unless you wanna clear out.
-No, I'd love to stay here.
-If you sing directly to me, I'll stay.
Gotta turn the guitar on though, right?
-[notes on electric guitar]
There it is, yeah.
No, yeah.
Bob asked me to do a show in New York
with Jeff and a bunch
of other really great comedians.
Funny people.
Really funny people.
And he wanted me to sing this song
that I'm gonna sing for you now,
but it's like--
I said, "Are you sure?"
I was trying to think of something
that would go with the, you know.
He said "No, no, no.
Just sing that."
What it is, is I felt like,
after like an hour--
after laughing really hard, it's good
to contemplate death for a little while.
You can-- you can, uh,
and presumably go back to laughing.
But I mean, I finished the night
with this. He said it was perfect.
This is one of my better piano songs.
Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know
What will be coming down
I don't remember losing track of you
You were always dancing
In and out of view
I must've thought
You'd always be around
Always keeping things real
By playing the clown
Now you're nowhere to be found
I don't know what happens
When people die
Can't seem to grasp it
As hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear
Playing right in my ear
That I can't sing
I can't help listening
And I can't help feeling stupid
Standing 'round
Crying as they ease you down
'Cause I know that
You'd rather we were dancing
Dancing our sorrow away
No matter what
Fate chooses to play
Just do the steps
That you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance
You'll do alone
Keep a fire for the human race
And let your prayers go drifting
Into space
You never know
What will be coming down
Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily,
It could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning
You might have found
Don't let the uncertainty
Turn you around
Go on and make a joyful sound
Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed
Somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and
Throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time
You arrive and the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But you'll never know
-That was so beautiful.
-Jackson Browne.
Thank you, Jackson.
Good luck with whatever
your back issue was.
That was so beautiful.
One of the legends of all time,
ladies and gentlemen.
Jackson Browne.
-While-- while--
-What are we gonna do now?
While they're all back there,
my buddy Seth Green is here.
He was a good friend of Bob's.
What do you think, Seth?
Do you wanna come say something?
Are you ready?
[Seth Green] Yeah.
That was a perfect intro.
This guy has a perfect back, everybody.
Perfect picture of health.
What can I say?
He's a mensch.
He's a great guy.
He's an actor.
He owns an animation studio.
He's on a bunch of shows.
[Carey] He's a man that
every man would love to be.
-[Ross] He's one of the people that Bob...
-I'll take this.
-...Bob loved dearly.
-I wanna come hug you.
I feel like it's been ten or twelve years
since we've seen each other.
Hug me. I'm very fluffy.
[Ross] That's a beautiful moment.
[Green] I'm getting some ASMR,
-like I'm getting...
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Probably-- it was the Icy-Hot
I put on my neck.
I just thought it'd be funny. I knew
I was gonna be hugging people.
Welcome to
the Bob Super-Spreader, everybody.
-We're coming to see ya, Bob.
-That was--
We're coming to see ya.
That's all he wanted.
Bob would be so thrilled
to spread an infection
that populated heaven.
Truly, truly.
There's so much room there.
Jesus Christ, that Jackson Browne
like, really choked me up,
-I wasn't prepared for that at all.
-That's what he does.
He loves to walk into a room
and fuck everybody up.
"Oh, you guys are in a great mood.
What if you were
all uncontrollably crying?"
"I saw a bunch of people smile.
You wanna feel something real heavy?"
[Carey] "I'm gonna bring
a little sincerity to this party."
All right, I'll say something.
-I know you know Bob a long time.
-That's true.
You were good friends,
so I thought maybe
you would have something
to share tonight.
-So sweet of you to tee me up.
-I don't wanna put you on the spot...
It was when Robin Williams died,
and we-- everybody met here,
'cause like,
what the fuck do you do?
We were all like, "Oh, shit.
Robin's dead.
I guess we gotta get together
and figure out how to work that out."
And everybody needed to get up.
Everybody needed
to mourn it onstage.
I'll never forget because we were sitting
in one of those back chairs,
and we all walked in,
I saw Bob.
And everybody just looked lost.
And I looked at him and I was like
"Oh, we know each other.
We've known each other a long time."
So we hugged.
Hugged real big and I guess we gotta...
fucking deal with this now.
But in that whole experience,
it felt like
everyone was all the more committed
to not wasting a second.
And not having an opportunity where you
saw someone that you loved, and you say
"I love you.
And you've meant something."
You know what I mean?
Like, Bob fucking Saget, guys.
That motherfucker meant something.
And we were all lucky enough
to get a mainline dose of it.
In one way or another.
[cheers, applause]
That's the biggest thing, right, Jeff?
Let's just spread it.
That's what we get to do now.
We get to spread that love.
The proof of that.
The proof of life that man lived.
He lived so big
and affected so many people,
and now we get to share it.
I do wanna mention his influence.
My buddy's a professor at Yale and NYU,
He teaches broadcasting
and TV history and film history,
and he called me about Bob
and he said one of the things that comes
up a lot in his students' papers
is Bob's character
and Full House's influence on kids
who grew up in non-...
in unconventional households.
It made them feel normal,
and it made them feel like it was okay,
and one kid was an orphan
who wound up in a--
You must hear this
all the time, man.
Well, we did it 35 years ago
or whatever.
We were, it was odd, there was three men
raising kids in San Francisco.
But now
it's the new normal, you know.
And every year it's becoming more divorce,
more single-sexed parents,
so it's kind
of a timed-release thing, right?
What's "sexed parents"?
Same sex.
Same sex parents.
Oh, same-sex parents, I thought you said--
Yeah, things change.
Like the second time we did
Dumb and Dumber,
the world had gotten so fucking stupid.
It didn't seem that dumb anymore,
by comparison.
[Green] It was more just like
Normal and More Normal.
[Carey] It was Norm and Normal.
Basic and More Basic-er.
Mike Young is here.
Mike Young and Paul Rodriguez
are still here.
Come on out.
Mike-- Mike Young.
Mike Young opened for Bob the last--
come on out.
The very funny Mr. Mike Young.
Nine hundred million dollars' worth
of talent, and an $11 microphone.
Stand up, come on tell--
Thirteen years with Bob, yeah.
We met years ago
when Bob did Entourage.
A mutual friend was like,
"You and Bob should go on the road."
We met, Bob's like,
"Come do a few dates."
Next thing you know, 13 years later.
it was just me and Bob,
just doing a two-man show in every city.
And so, I was blessed to get that
opportunity and I didn't take it--
[clears throat] Excuse me.
I didn't take it lightly.
And Bob was one of those guys
who just lived for this.
He lived for this.
Like, whatever was happening in Bob's
life-- and a lot was happening.
This was his moment
that he just loved.
And after he got off-- he could be
complaining about all his life shit
in the daytime, but he did, we know.
Neurotic as fuck.
Neurotic to the hilt.
But this was what Bob loved.
'Cause every single time he would be
nervous about selling tickets,
yet we'd sell out everywhere.
He's wake up at five o'clock
in the morning, he would do press.
He didn't have to do press.
In his mind, "We've gotta move
80 more tickets."
He's doing the morning news,
he's doing every show...
It's like "Yo, you're fuckin' Bob Saget,
bro. Chill out! Chill out!
I'll go on the stupid show and fucking
sell a ticket." You know what I mean?
"You're good, we're good."
And we were good.
And he sold out every damn place
we were at.
And it was nuts that he, in his mind,
was still like this kid from Philly
who wasn't like sorta good enough,
or kinda still had to hustle.
But he just wasn't seeing sometimes
what everybody else was seeing,
until he got up here, saw a full crowd
and rocked the show
and got off and was fucking on fire.
"You see that shit?
I fuckin' killed that shit!"
I was like, "Yeah, bro, why'd you
drive me crazy for three days
thinking you're not gonna
sell tickets?"
He was neurotic.
But I was just like, "Yo, Bob,
that's just what you deserve.
Love and respect,
'cause that's what poured out of you.
So, that's all I wanted to say.
I'll miss him.
God bless you guys.
Thank you.
[cheers, applause]
[Ross] Mike Young.
You got a video?
You were playing a video?
All right.
We have a very special message
from Michael Keaton.
Am I in the way?
Hey, happy birthday, Bobby.
You know, the kooky thing
about getting older,
I'm trying to-- Oh, oh, sorry.
What is it?
Oh, it's a problem with the-- I got it.
It's a roast.
Okay, you-- dirty, right?
All right, I got an idea.
Let's go.
Hey Bob, I was in the men's room
the other day...
I'm sorry, what?
No, seriously, what's this for?
Get the fuck outta here.
He did?
I was supposed to do this podcast,
by the way.
Okay... let me think.
What do I...
Okay, hold on, let me, uh...
Let me see if I can work up
some fake tears here.
What do you mean,
just "Why don't I say how I feel?"
Who does that?
Okay, let me...
I guess I could say something like...
You know, every time...
and I mean like every time...
you would run into this guy,
if you weren't laughing...
Just looking, just looking into that face,
you couldn't help but smile.
That's the truth.
This is a tough one.
If there's any good news
to come out of this,
when we lose someone
like Bob or others,
we'll always have him
on record somewhere
where we can click on the television
and watch him
and laugh and smile.
And if there's anyone I think
who would really appreciate that,
love that,
I think it would be Bob.
He was a really, really good dude.
[cheers and applause]
[Stamos] All right, here's something
that I put together
that I think you'll enjoy.
Everywhere we look
You'll be there in our hearts
You were everyone's dad
In all our childhoods
All our living rooms
You were there
To make every house fuller
Everywhere we look
You'll be there in our hearts
You were everyone's dad
When we needed family
You're in our memories
You'll make every house fuller forever
This is the itinerary.
It says right here:
"Shower, get dressed, eat breakfast,
go to the bathroom,
leave for Magic Kingdom,
go to the bathroom,
eat some junk, go to the bathroom,
go to the bathroom,
go to the bathroom.
It smells like urine over there.
It's fantastic.
I haven't had a good stool since I was
sitting in between scenes.
I'm going to take my...
I need a bag!
You were there
To make every house fuller
We'll never have another show like this.
When you have so many people.
My agent told me
I'll never have another show.
I'm peeling.
[squealing, shouting]
Never wipe your butt with your shoes!
You were there
To make every house fuller
We lost one of the greats
But Bob Saget we know
Good night.
A light is waiting to carry you home
Everywhere you look
[Stamos] Boy, that's a tough one to watch.
Here's something else
we wanna show you.
Here's some snippets
from the night that we had his memorial
at Jeff Franklin's house.
And so we thank you
for the gift of his life,
we thank you and honor you
and bring you glory,
because you let us know his love
and we got to love him back.
And we thank you
and pray in your holy name, amen.
Dick stories, prayers...
That's what happens
when you grow up with Bob Saget.
You go one way or the other.
We're all here because Bob...
loved us.
He loved everyone here.
That's why we're here,
because he loved you.
I... I'm...
gonna take a long time
in my life to process this,
but you know what?
Every time that I feel sad,
I am so lucky,
and we're all so lucky that
we get to fill that well up
with thousands of laughs
and beautiful stories and love.
And I don't feel like this is an ending.
I feel like this is the beginning
of a celebration of that guy,
who was my brother,
and I love him so much.
And I don't know what I'm gonna do now
without him.
And I think we all feel that way.
But man, this is a lot of love.
And this is really beautiful,
and Bob would've loved this.
So, thank you.
Man, Bob is...
He's probably the single
kindest person I've ever met.
He was very nice to me.
I would forget all kinds of things
that I used to think about all the time,
and he'd
make me forget about them.
Little shit, like being Black.
And I used to watch him on television,
when I was growing up,
when I was starting
my career.
I would never dream...
I would never dream
of a day like today.
That's why, Bob.
That's why you get
a roomful of people.
Hello, John Mayer.
Remember the time I tried to put 'shrooms
in your cappuccino machine
and Bob was
laughing at me?
Your parties will never be
that good again.
And I would've never done that
if I didn't see Bob Saget and said,
"I'm gonna impress this motherfucker.
I'm gonna do some 'shrooms."
I gotta tell you, I take solace
in being in this room
and seeing who loved him
and seeing how he made you feel.
You don't feel that special, hearing
someone has the same story as you.
You feel like your hunch
about someone was correct.
In this town full of cynics,
I saw a good one.
Tim Allen. Come up.
Oh great, I gotta follow
fucking Chappelle.
This is fucked up.
I thought I was Bob's only friend.
I show up here and I thought...
I drove up here., I said, "Shit,
he told me I was his only friend."
My heart goes out to the family,
everybody involved and I'm just--
I'm overwhelmed, it's been a hard--
it's been a fuckin' weird couple of days.
I was in Orlando the night before,
same club,
and I was in Jacksonville that night
when they called, and it was--
it was messed up, man.
I'll tell you what was really messed up
is the comic in me.
Right away I said...
He died at the Four Seasons,
which is across Orlando from the Hyatt.
I kept asking-- that was terrible, but--
"What room was he in in the Four Seasons?
In the suites up top?
Why was I in the fucking Hyatt
across the street?"
I'm just terrified of this.
The only way
I can handle loss is by jokes.
My old man died suddenly,
and this took the wind out of me.
This really took the wind out of me.
That said, I'm just blessed
to be asked to be doing this.
It was very difficult.
I'm not good at this stuff.
I said, I drove up here going
"This fucker has a lot of friends."
I thought I was special."
You're all special people.
This was a very special individual.
And the wind is out of my sails,
it's just this gap that takes a while
to grasp and sit there and think about.
Bless all of you people
and these prayers you had for him
and these wonderful friends
of his and thank you all for at least
accepting me into this group.
Goodnight, Bob.
One of my favorite comedians,
and a good friend of Bob's,
Paul Rodriguez is here.
Paul, come say hi.
Welcome, buddy.
I don't know if I can get through this.
I met Bob...
[audience member]
We love you.
...many years ago at a gangbang.
It was not just a gangbang.
It was a dungeon too...
He was there
with his first wife Manuel.
Later, we were both fucking
the same waitress here...
and then Mitzi found out about it.
She called him into her office,
wanted to know
what waitress was
spreading diseases around here.
Bob stuck up for me,
he said we only had-- [sobs]
I don't know if I can go on.
Okay, thank you.
He said...
Bob stuck up for me
and he said we only--
we only had gonorrhea.
We didn't have herpes.
That was probably Louie Anderson.
He would have wanted disrespect
like that.
What can I tell you?
He's missed, you know?
I first found out Bob had died,
I was in Alaska.
And then the next week Louie Anderson.
Naturally, like everyone up here,
you start going,
"Wow, don't they go in threes?"
And then someone said, "Betty White died."
And we said "Ah, thank God, shit."
You know...
It is true. Every time you saw Bob,
he made you feel good, you know?
Every one of us up here swears
that we were his best friend.
I think that's the mark of a-- of a liar.
I'm glad for his children.
I can't imagine the pain you must feel,
but just know that all of us,
we loved your father so much.
He was a great guy.
I just wanna say thank you, good night.
Paul Rodriguez.
[Stamos] Hey, Jeff.
I wanna read my last text from Bob.
It said "I love you so much.
I will say that God gave me
the brother that I wanted,
and I love you for it."
I said, "Well, you have a lot of God-given
brothers, but I'm first, right?"
And he said, "Yes you are,
because Brad Grey died."
Okay, well. He says "I've known him since
I was 22 years old,
but you're number one."
I said something about John Mayer,
and he said--
Mayer's not listening, is he?
He said "Mayer's an amazing friend,
but he's more fair-weather.
You're always there,
so you're number one."
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bob's second-best friend, John Mayer.
Hi everyone, hi .
I've been lucky enough to have
the opportunity to speak so much
about how I feel about Bob that...
I'm lucky that I've said...
the main, major thoughts
that I've had,
but the thoughts keep coming,
and the observations keep coming,
and the journey keeps going,
and you get better, and you get worse.
And you get better, and you get worse.
I just wanna say that we all know
how much Bob loved us.
But I would like to bring up another
thing that he did without us knowing it,
was that he accepted us.
And acceptance is the boring part of love,
but it's just as important.
When you're accepted.
Weird people don't think
other weird people are weird.
We all know who we were in high school.
We're running from it.
That's the great part of meeting
people for the first time.
They don't know that shit.
You're a clean slate with someone.
And with Bob,
I was a clean slate with him.
And I got to have my own unique
relationship with him.
And I think he had a unique relationship
with me because I wasn't a comic.
And I didn't speak the language
of shirt insults,
or make fun of someone 'cause
they stuttered on one word.
Sometimes you stutter--
a comic will get ya.
Bob liked me because
I was already kind of a poet,
and he could say whatever he wanted
because I wasn't gonna go
"All right, that's weird,"
because all I do is speak in metaphors
no one's heard before.
-It's useless.
I don't understand
a fucking word he says.
I speak in useless metaphor
that only makes sense to me,
but Bob would do that in ways
that only made sense to him,
and for some reason it was just like
"Yeah, you're with me."
And the unlikeliness of our relationship
spoke to the truth of it
and the realness of it,
because why fucking would you otherwise?
Why would I...
otherwise hang out with Bob Saget
if I didn't love everything about him
on a physical and metaphysical level.
The other night I had a dream.
I woke up crying because I saw Bob.
Aw, man...
It was young Bob.
And we were about to go
into a restaurant.
And I knew and he didn't know.
I looked at him and said.
"You gotta know how much I love you."
He went "Yeah, I know. Fine."
"No, I'm telling you.
You gotta know how much I love you."
"Yeah, I know."
And then I woke up
and of course, cried like a baby.
And then I remembered I had to go
back to sleep
because I had something
very important the next day,
and I said out loud,
"I love you, Bob,
but I gotta go back to sleep."
And I heard him say "Go back
to sleep, go back to sleep.
You have to go back to sleep.
You have to.
You've got stuff tomorrow.
You gotta get back to sleep."
I went "Okay."
And that's no different than
the magic of when he was around.
And I learned that.
It is not a jump to go
from here to there.
Because there's nothing different about
the way we access the people we love,
when they're there,
than when they're here.
And that is the magic of Bob Saget
that keeps carrying on for me.
That's beautiful.
And I wanna thank both of you
for being such great friends
and such a support system
to Bob.
I wanna thank all of you
for coming tonight
because this is very cathartic
for all of us
and I'm sure a lot of you too.
It was nice to do this.
I would love it if you'd collect yourself
for a second,
because what you said was
very beautiful and I'm a little verklempt.
And then someone else wants to speak, and
maybe you'll do a song that Bob loved.
-Do a song.
-I'll do a song.
-I'd love to do a song.
That would be great.
Byron, are you back there?
A good friend of Bob Saget's.
Our friend. Byron Allen is here.
Oh my God, we're gonna keep this tight
because we've got another crowd out there.
We have to get ready
for Louie Anderson's memorial.
I met Bob I think in '78.
-You both started as teenagers, right?
We both started as teenagers
and I met him in 1978, right here.
-About 42 years ago.
And he was so warm,
and so kind and funny
and bizarre at the same time.
And that "The Dog Licked My Balls"?
and the cat-pussy, whatever that was.
That was the clean stuff.
When you first met him, he said things
to you that had you go to therapy.
You could not un-ring that bell.
As a matter of fact, after I met Bob,
I avoided him for about two years
after I met him.
I said "No, he's not gonna be here long.
He's gonna get arrested.
They're gonna haul him off."
The thing about him is
that I really genuinely loved him.
He was such a good person.
And when you know somebody like that
for three, four decades,
he was just a good guy.
And you know, as comics,
we have an entire spectrum.
It's from A to Z.
He's just such a good, warm person.
And he was one of those guys
where you never thought,
I need to say to him,
"I love you. I appreciate you."
Because you always thought
he would be there.
I could never imagine someone that good,
that special, that warm,
that loving, that funny,
not being there.
When it happened,
it just set me back.
I said, "You know what?
Never again."
I am not making that mistake again.
From now on, I'm gonna let 'em know,
on the spot. Boom.
'Cause that's what happens.
Like I said, I met Bob 42 years ago.
He was a beautiful human being.
I literally came here to give
my condolences to his beautiful family.
He loved you more than anything.
He was better than most at expressing it.
And I just wanna say,
you know, listen,
I really appreciated him.
He was a great man.
Some are good, some are great.
He was great.
And I watched him for 42 years.
Truly great.
Thank you
for the gift of Bob Saget.
Thank you.
Take care of yourselves.
Love one another,
hug one another.
Go that extra second and actually say
"Are you okay?" Thank you.
Thank you.
-[Stamos] Byron, we love you.
Thank you, Byron, that was beautiful.
Thank you, Byron.
[Stamos] Oh, no.
-[Ross] Oh, fuck.
-[Carey] God.
[Ross] Is this necessary?
[Stamos] Do we need it?
Hi, Jon Lovitz here.
As you can see,
I'm in Las Vegas.
I'm sorry I can't be there.
I don't wanna really dwell on
this, but a friend of mine, a comic,
passed away
and I ended up getting his dates.
I didn't take them.
They were offered to me.
I don't want to say who it was.
I told his family,
"I'm sorry, I can't be there."
And they said...
I go, "I have to work."
They said, "That's BS."
And I was like...
they know.
Anyway, Bob was a very good friend
of mine,
and the weekend of his funeral
I was performing stand-up in Florida,
and it crossed my mind
"Maybe I should cancel."
But then, you know, I didn't.
I felt so guilty not being
at his funeral,
and then I thought,
"Well, it's not like he's coming to mine."
I used to-- I still kind of do,
make up songs about him
'cause I love him so much.
A great friend.
So I went to his house
about ten years ago,
and I said, "Bob, I wrote some songs
about you.
Do you wanna hear it?"
He said "Okay."
I go "All right,
here's the first one."
Oh you wake up in the morning
And you brush your teeth
Bob Saget takes it up the butt
He said, "I don't like that."
And I said, "Why not?"
So I said, "Fine,
I'll write another song."
So I wrote another song about him.
A beautiful song.
This is my tribute to Bob.
He was a gourmet chef,
always in his kitchen.
So I wrote a song called
"Bob Saget Likes It in His Kitchen".
Oh, Mr. Bob Saget
Likes it in his kitchen
Likes it in his kitchen
Likes it in his kitchen
Mr. Bob Saget
Likes it in his kitchen
Kitchen of course
Is code for butt
Hey, it's Bob's code.
I just cracked it.
By the way, I'm at the MGM.
It's not like I'm slumming it
at the Tropicana.
As you can see, there's the MGM.
That's where I am.
Anyway, Bob didn't like that song.
He goes "Jon, you're making me sound
like I'm gay."
And I said, "Well, who cares, Bob?
What's wrong with being gay?"
There's nothing wrong with being gay.
But it was costing him work.
as a leading man.
I said, "Bob, fine."
He goes "Write another song."
So I did,
it's called "Bob Saget Isn't Gay."
Bob Saget isn't gay
The sky isn't blue
He didn't like that.
You know?
I don't know what Bob was, but I know
"they" were a very good friend
of a lot of people.
"They" will be sorely missed.
And by sorely missed, you know,
like, a lot of people,
Bob made sore.
I would imagine they would miss that.
By the way, the Scleroderma Foundation,
I just want you to know,
I am performing here in Vegas,
and in honor of you,
I've decided ten percent of the money
I make from my shows will go...
to my agent.
Yeah, this is the second time I've done
a benefit for you guys for free.
Yeah, I'm Jewish, I'm not an idiot.
All right.
So all of you people.
What are you doing?
It's not like you're performing.
Come on, I know you bought a ticket.
How about more?
A little bit more.
Yeah, in honor of Bob.
Yeah, reach into your pocket.
Don't feel guilty.
[Stamos, laughing] Jon Lovitz.
He hated those songs.
And I always asked Lovitz to sing them
because they were so funny.
So bad.
[Ross] John Mayer.
This is so cool.
John Mayer, everybody.
Oh, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed
It's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly
Won't someone stop this train?
Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
I'm one generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Oh, really, stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly
Won't someone stop this train?
I'm so scared of getting older
I was only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say
That life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said, "Help me understand"
He said "Turn 68
You'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute
Change the place you're in
And don't think
I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John honestly
We'll never, never, never
stop this train"
Oh, now, once in a while,
when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'Til you cry
When you're driving away
In the dark
You're just singing
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed
This thing is moving in
I know I can't
'Cause now I see
We'll never stop this train
We're never gonna stop this train
Well I'm sittin'
In the railway station
Got a ticket for my destination
Thank you.
We love you, Bob.
[Ross] Give it up for John Mayer.
Thank you, brother.
My older-- my younger, more successful,
more handsome little brother.
That was awesome.
Did you introduce--
Darren Criss is here.
Darren, you're hiding
in the back there.
How you doin', bud?
I wanna give a shout-out to Bob's family
that's here too.
It can't be easy sharing him
with everybody.
Two of my best friends.
Aubrey Saget, Lara Saget.
Make way.
It's a rock n' roll punk-rock
shiva at The Comedy Store.
Aubrey, be careful here.
Your mom's here too.
This is so cool.
What's up, ladies?
You look like rock stars, you might
as well sing like one tonight.
Here, grab a mic, grab a mic.
[Stamos] Jackson Browne
is gonna do another song.
I actually asked him backstage
to do this.
It's one of my favorite songs.
I didn't know he wrote this song.
It was made popular by Nico, right?
"These Days"?
-[Ross] I can't believe I get to say--
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back to the stage,
Jackson Browne.
-Jackson Browne.
-Yeah. All right.
This is such an incredible night.
If you could just
turn the monitors down a little bit.
They're feeding back.
Technical note: If you could just
turn the monitors down a little bit.
They're feeding back.
Thank you.
That is actually supposed to be coming out
of your rig.
Oh, it is?
Yeah, it fuses in.
-[electric guitar chords playing]
-Yeah, there it is.
In my mind,
we were gonna get to play together.
You're playing electric, right?
You wanna play on this?
It just, you know.
It's in 'C'.
At the memorial,
at Jeff Franklin's,
a week ago
or maybe a little bit longer.
Something you said, John,
really stayed with me, you know.
And it had something to do
with the relationship between...
or the similarity
between comedy and blues
in its relation to the truth.
And it's really stayed with me.
I've been thinking about it
since you said it.
[strumming guitar chords]
For some reason, Bob really liked,
he liked a sad song.
And there's something
about what comedy does,
when it dispels your deepest sorrows
and deepest... fear, really.
Whether it's the fear
of being alone, or...
This is a song I wrote
when I was about 16.
Shit was flowing more than it is now.
Well, I've been out walking
I don't do that much
Talking these days
These days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times
I had the chance to
And I've stopped my rambling
I don't do that much gambling
These days
These days
These days I seem to think about
How all these changes
Came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see
Another highway
'Cause I had a lover
I don't think I'll risk another
These days
These days
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life
That I have made in song
Well, it's just that I've been losing
For so long
Well, I keep on moving
Movin' on
Things are bound to be improving
These days
One of these days
These days I sit on cornerstones
And count the time
In quarter tones to ten
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them
[cheering and applause]
Oh, man.
Thank you, John.
[Ross] Nice try, guys.
[Ross] Jackson Browne, John Mayer.
[cheering and applause continue]
-Thanks, John.
-[Ross] Thank you, Jackson.
Thank you, Stamos.
We've talked about "The Dog is Licking
My Balls" a lot tonight, right?
We were gonna play it,
but I saw this video
of Bob singing it today,
so I put it together,
and the lyrics are on there,
so you all have to sing along.
[Mayer] Oh, wow.
[Ross] We'll be able to see the video
and you guys, or no?
It doesn't matter about us.
Do you have the video screen down?
Oh shit, mics.
[Carey] Has anyone here
seen my old friend Bob
[Stamos] Wait a minute.
-Jim Carey, ladies and gentlemen.
-[Ross] Yeah!
[Mayer playing fast guitar]
[Stamos] Here it is.
-[Saget] He was my friend
-[woman] Is it starting now?
I was never alone
He dug a hole
And he buried...
And he buried his bone
But there was one night
That I still can't recall
Can you see it?
When I got really drunk
[Ross] Everybody!
And my dog licked my balls
[Ross] Jackson, come here.
Turn the house lights on.
My dog licked my balls
My dog licked my balls
Licked them clean
He was just one foot tall
But that dog licked my balls
-[Ross] Just the Jews.
-[Stamos] It's still going.
I fell to the floor
All that booze made me faint
He was scared I was hurt
Stuck his nose in my taint
[Carey] One thing that rhymed with taint.
[Saget] I woke with a start
I couldn't pretend
'Cause I just hooked up
With my very best friend
[Ross] Everybody!
My dog licked my balls
You're not gonna forget this.
My dog licked my balls
I'm really sorry.
I picked him up at the mall
Who knew one day
That he'd lick my balls.
All it took was a little Jif
And one day he died
And I sat there and cried
All alone in my house I sat
You know what I did?
-And I went out and bought me a cat
-You know what happened?
And that cat licked my balls
That pussy licked my balls
He choked on a hairball
'Cause he took it all
Man it really made me
Miss my dog...
Because my dog licked my balls
Come on, just the women.
My dog licked my balls
Just the animal rights activists.
My dog licked my balls
Just the taxidermists.
I miss him so much
'Cause my dog licked my balls
Take it home, Bob.
Take it home.
-[cheering and applause]
-[Stamos] Jim Carey! John Mayer!
Jeff Ross!
[Ross] L'chaim. Long live Bob Saget.
He don't fuck around
He gets down
Because the dog licked my balls
Down on me, down on me
[Stamos] Bob Saget.
-We love you, Bob.
-[cheering and applause]

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly
Won't someone stop this train?
Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
I'm one generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly
Won't someone stop this train?
I'm so scared of getting older
I was only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say
That life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "Help me understand"
He said "Turn 68
You'll renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute
Change the place you're in
And don't think
I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly
We'll never, never stop this train"