Dirty Deeds (2005) Movie Script
1
[faint crowd chatter]
-[bat hits ball]
-[crowd cheering]
[soft whooshing]
-["I'll Get Away With This"
by Superjerk]
-I got a secret I can't keep
I just committed
another Dirty Deed
I still got lots more
I gotta do
Didn't wind up in jail
or face down
In a swimming pool
Too wrong, being pointed
And told what I have to do
What I have to do
Humiliate their reputation
Desecrate their rules
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-It's really hot
to social resistance
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-Eye for an eye
and fist for a fist
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
I never knew where I fit in
Smash up no good
Punk misfit in the back
with an angry fist
Like Twisted Sister
I won't take it anymore!
Tattooed "Vendetta"
This song in an open scar
Too wrong, being pointed
and told what I have to do
What I have to do
Humiliate their reputation
Desecrate their rules
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-It's really hot
to social resistance
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
[song fades]
[Zach]
West Valley High.
My high school.
I bet it's a lot like yours,
which means it probably sucks.
-[yelling indistinctly]
-But, you see, we got something
most schools don't.
The Dirty Deeds.
Once a year,
the night before homecoming,
-anybody can take
this challenge.
-[inaudible chatter]
Hardly anybody ever does,
and when they do,
it's usually a punk kid
with a death wish
out to prove he's tough or cool.
-To me, it's bullshit, just like
everything else around here...
-[muted]
Welcome to Homecoming Weekend!
-[all cheering]
-[Zach] ...until today.
[rock music]
[tires screech]
Come on! Move!
[growls, honks]
[tires screech]
That's my spot.
[revving]
[car chirps]
-[growls]
-[tires screech]
First off, I'd like to announce
that this year's
honorary chairperson,
-Rachel Buff, Homecoming Queen
four years ago...
-[crowd cheers]
...and now a professional model,
will be joining us
this weekend. [chuckles]
[crowd applauding, cheering]
You've no doubt seen her
in the catalog
for the Lingerie Hut.
[cheering]
She'll be giving out
the senior awards
tomorrow morning
at the carnival.
[sultry R&B music]
Red light.
[BJ moaning]
-[horns honking]
-[moaning]
-[BJ] God,
I'll love you forever.
-[horns honking]
Meg, I've finished your college
recommendation letter.
Oh.
Thanks, Mrs. Hale. [chuckles]
I've told them
you're odds-on favorite
for valedictorian.
[Meg chuckles]
Valedictorian?
What does that mean?
It's Latin.
It means a full scholarship.
A ticket out of this town,
and a guarantee
I'll never have to wait tables
in my life.
-[indistinct announcement
in the distance]
-Crap! I'm late!
We're not late.
And now, to unveil this year's
homecoming banner,
your senior class president,
the fabulous Dan Lawton.
[crowd cheering]
-Hey, how's it lookin'?
-Shh!
[mouthing]
First, I wanna say
that the Vikings
are gonna kick
some major ass tomorrow!
[loud cheering]
-[rock music]
-[tires screech]
[JD]
You should watch
where you're going!
Every time! [growls]
Sorry.
-[yells]
-[tires screech]
[car alarms blaring]
-[alarms continue blaring]
-[indistinct chatter]
[student]
Moron!
-Sorry.
-[alarms continue blaring]
[crowd applauding
in the distance]
And now, let's get
Homecoming Weekend started!
[loud cheering]
[laughing]
[crowd chattering]
Who'd wanna go
and do a thing like that?
[chuckling]
[dramatic music]
[crowd chattering]
[inaudible chatter]
[dramatic music intensifies]
My office, Mr. Harper, now.
[bell ringing]
-[moaning]
-[horns honking]
Let's make love
All night long...
-We're gonna be late.
-Oh, no. No, no, no.
Not me. I graduated in June.
-[both chuckle]
-[honking continues]
[BJ moans]
Round and round...
[song fades]
That'll be all, Ms. Straight.
-So, Mr. Harper...
-[door closes]
Yes, Mr. Fuchs.
Pronouncing my name correctly,
that's a start.
-Well, I can always
go back to Fuck--
-I have no doubt, Mr. Harper.
I still think you know
something about this
recent outbreak of pranks.
Shall I call your mother,
try to arrange
a conference one more time?
Ah, knock yourself out.
Fifth time is a charm.
I seem not to have
a number for your father.
Join the party.
You don't have
a lot of respect for authority,
do you, Mr. Harper?
[inhales]
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
-[whimsical music]
-[distant whistle blows]
I wanted a moment alone
with you guys,
'cause you're the leaders
of this school.
[guffawing]
Trust me, Biggs, I'm as
depressed about that as you are.
How can we help you,
Officer Dill?
Well, it's Homecoming Weekend
at West Valley,
and everybody knows
that means a lot of talk
about the Dirty Deeds.
I haven't heard anything.
-How about you guys?
-[others] Nah, nah.
-Nah, man--
-Hey!
Well, let's just keep it
that way, shall we?
It's been a long time
since anybody's tried 'em,
and I don't want
any of you knuckleheads
getting any ideas.
Actually, my dad said,
back in the day, youtried 'em.
-But, uh, he pissed his pants
before he did the first one.
-[students laughing]
Yeah? Well, your dad used
to shower in his bathing suit.
-[student 1] Damn!
-[student 2 laughs]
[student 1]
This guy's bad, baby.
[bell dings]
We've got everything
under control.
Good. Well, see that you do.
Come on, Bevins.
-It's all good, Officer Dill...
-Doh!
[stifled laughter]
[laughing stops]
-Douchebags.
-[indistinct police
radio chatter]
[students chattering, laughing]
Now, was that the work of you
and your band of misfits?
You flatter me, Mr. Fuchs,
because that
is first-rate stuff.
I notice the letters "I-A-B"
appear once again, Mr. Harper.
Tell me, what do they stand for?
I am... bored?
Just a guess.
Sadly, the school board and I
differ on rules
regarding suspension.
They require incontrovertible
proof of a transgression.
But I will say this, Mr. Harper,
any student I catch red-handed,
I pity them.
I pity anyone
who has to deal with you, sir.
Anything else you'd like to add
before you're dismissed,
Mr. Harper?
No. Just keep up the good work.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[sighs]
-Hey.
-So, did he suspend you?
Ah, not yet,
but the man's trying his best.
Listen, Zach, how can I say this
without sounding harsh?
Um, stay the hell away
from my brother.
Whoa. [chuckles]
Okay. Now, maybe it's me,
-but that still sounded harsh.
-I'm serious.
-Yeah, way too.
-Look, for some strange reason,
he really looks up to you.
Well, we gotta stop that.
I mean, I don't want anybody
looking up to me.
I only wanna look down
on the people
that others look up to.
Is everything a joke with you?
Is anything a joke with you?
Oh. Hey, come, come on. Come on.
What, did the honor society
take a no-smile oath?
Look, I, I just don't want Kyle
getting into things
he can't handle.
I mean, next year,
when I'm away at school,
who's gonna look out
for him? Nobody.
I let the kid hang out.
What's the harm?
Just don't drag him down,
Zach, okay?
[indistinct announcement
over PA]
-[laughing]
-Whoo!
Yeah! [growls]
[laughs]
-[ambient music over speakers]
-Excuse me.
-Excuse me.
-[bell dings]
[muffled] Excuse me!
I got a note from the dentist.
I can't go to gym.
-[dings]
-Excuse me.
Okay, I'm coming.
I'm coming. I'm...
[farts]
[farts]
[continues farting]
Now, what is it, young man?
[gagging]
Holy crap!
What did you eat
for dinner last night,
a Mexican village?
I'll just go to gym.
[farts]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct announcement
over PA]
[exhales]
[Dan]
Morning, Meg.
You are looking so hot.
[clicks tongue] Aw,
is your girlfriend sick today?
-You think Jen
has to know everything?
-[chuckles]
-The less they know,
the better, right?
-You know it.
[dispenser clicks]
You know, they work better
if you drink 'em.
Damn dentist drilled
through my head.
Did he give you anything
for the pain?
Yeah, but I'm not sure
I can take them.
I can't reach my sponsor,
and I don't wanna throw
my sobriety down the drain.
-It's been five days.
-Which beats your regular
by what, five days?
-Roughly.
-It's a prescription.
You're in pain.
It's medicine. Take it.
No, no.
One.
One.
[bell ringing]
-Find me in four to six hours.
-Cool.
Hey, Cummings,
like playing maintenance man?
The extra money helps.
The sprinklers still busted?
Yeah. Low water pressure.
All that's coming out
is hot air.
Fascinating.
Hey, listen.
I heard that you're fast.
4-9:40?
4-7.
-4-7?
-[student] Whoa!
-Damn.
-Nice.
Hey, listen. Let, let's put
all this crap behind us.
We could use
a little bit more speed
on the team.
Wide receiver,
something like that.
You interested?
-Maybe.
-Great. Why don't you run a lap?
Let us time you.
Yeah, right now.
-[Biggs] Yeah, man, go.
-Okay, you ready?
-Set, go!
-[student] Come on, baby! Yeah!
Let's do it, brother! Come on!
-[laughs] All right.
-Good job.
Okay, everybody,
a little contribution.
[laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct conversation]
[laughing]
[Biggs]
Yeah, look at you!
Man, oh, man.
You could
totally make this team.
-Amazing.
-[panting] Yeah?
-Yeah. Yeah, man.
Most definitely.
-Absolutely, man.
[Biggs]
Your acceleration is fast.
-[spits]
-[laughing]
[gags, coughs]
I thought you'd be happy.
We got your sprinklers working.
Ah, sorry to piss you off, dude.
-[all laughing]
-[coughing]
Hey.
-What's going on?
-Lawton. Such an asshole.
-You want me to do something?
-No. I can take care
of myself, okay?
Oh, you just gonna
let him keep kicking your ass
until his foot hurts?
Uh-uh.
Something else.
-[crowd cheering]
-[distant whistle blows]
[upbeat music]
I heard that there's ten of 'em,
and they get, like,
harder as you go on.
I heard, one year,
a freshman lost his ball sack
-trying to do the Deeds.
-Oh!
Freshmen lose their ball sacks
all the time.
[chuckles] Thanks.
-The senior class pres has a key
to some locker somewhere...
-[girls gasp]
...and that's
where the Deeds are.
-[gasps] Really?
-Totally.
I heard you could die
doing the Deeds.
How very cool is that?
Yo, like, 15 years ago,
some kid did 'em all.
Football player,
Homecoming King.
Dude's name was Duncan Rime.
-Duncan Rime.
-Duncan Rime.
-Duncan Rime.
-Yeah, yeah, I heard he dead.
No, he didn't die, you retard.
Homie did a vanishing.
[mouths] Poof.
Ain't nobody seen
his white ass since, yo.
I heard he joined the mob, son.
-[chuckles] Yeah,
that's something.
-Yeah.
-[indistinct chatter]
-[chuckling] Yeah.
[record scratches]
Uh... [clears throat]
Who talks like that?
It would be so cool, man.
I mean, think about it.
Somebody trying the Deeds
would pump up
this Homecoming Weekend
and totally put our class
on the map.
-Why don't you try 'em, Biggs?
-Me?
-[all laugh]
-[Biggs] Yeah, that's right.
Hey, Lawton!
Hey, what's the matter,
Cummings? You still thirsty?
[boys laughing]
-Uh-oh. Check this out, Z.
-[Biggs laughing]
You think you're the big shit
around here?
How come you don't try
the Dirty Deeds?
'Cause I'm not
the dumb shit around here.
-I say it's 'cause
you don't have the guts.
-[students oohing]
But I do.
Tonight, I'm doing the Deeds.
[gasps softly]
[mouthing] Oh, my God.
You're on, big man.
I'll see you tonight.
-[students cheer]
-[bell ringing]
[inaudible chatter]
[laughs, mouths] No way!
[cheering indistinctly]
-[indistinct conversations]
-[birds chirping]
-[Meg] Zach.
-Hey.
Hey. Listen.
You gotta stop Kyle, okay?
He's gonna get hurt.
Is this the same Kyle
you said you wanted me
to stay away from?
Yes, but maybe
he'll listen to you.
He really wants to do this.
-And you think
that that's smart?
-I wouldn't do it.
Zach... [sighs]
You're the only person
I can ask for help here.
I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.
Look, Meg.
Look, I think that's really cool
that he's, he's got someone
to look out for him.
Kyle is about to get thrown
in jail or expelled.
Yeah, yeah, really,
I'm doing a great job.
[suspenseful music]
[sighs] Shit.
[key jingles]
[door creaks]
[unlocks]
-[blows]
-[air whooshes]
-[wind whistling]
-[locker door creaks shut]
[hip-hop music]
-[Dan] There he is.
-Hey, Mullet! Heads up!
-[groans]
-[Biggs] Nice shot. [laughs]
[laughs]
-[student] All right.
-Good throw, dawg.
[engine stops]
-[groans]
-Hey, Mullet, you all right?
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Somebody's gotta teach
that asshole a lesson.
[sighs]
[punk rock music]
[inaudible chatter]
I don't think the loser's
showing up, Laws.
-Hey, maybe
he got glued someplace.
-[laughs]
Guys, take a look.
This is so stupid, Kyle.
Okay, you don't have to do this.
It's the only way to get Lawton
off my back.
-Kyle--
-Just stay out of it.
Okay, Lawton,
-let's do this.
-[Meg] Kyle.
[tires screeching]
-[door closes]
-I'm doing the Deeds.
-Sorry,
the job's already filled.
-Wrong. He's a freshman.
-I'm a senior.
Rules say I get priority.
-He's right.
-Dan, if a senior wants
the challenge, he ge--
-I know the rules.
You want the Deeds?
Fine, they're yours.
-I'm gonna enjoy
watching you go down.
-[student] Oh!
I'm gonna get the Deeds.
That will give you
some time to chicken out.
[students chatter]
-[cell phone beeping]
-Harper's gonna do the Deeds.
Zach, what are you doing?
You're making me look bad.
[sighs] Why do you get
to have all the fun?
-[cell phone chiming]
-What are you doing?
I thought you told me
to get Kyle out of this.
Well, I didn't say you should
screw up your own life.
Ah. That's a nice thing to say.
It's just,
this Deeds thing is sick.
Not if it gets Lawton
off your brother's ass.
-Why does he have it in
for Kyle, anyway?
-You're kidding, right?
You're the only girl at school
that Lawton can't have
his way with.
Kyle's just payback.
-[students chanting] Deeds!
-Look, just take your brother
home, Meg.
[chanting continues]
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
-[chanting fades]
-[Dan] Okay.
All right, Harper,
you know the drill.
You don't get the second Deed
until you finish the first.
So, it goes in, like, order?
[students laughing, chattering]
Every time you finish one,
ifthat happens...
-[boys laughing]
-[girl scoffing] Yeah.
...you come back here
to get the next envelope.
The rules say you've gotta
be done by the start
of the homecoming rally,
tomorrow morning, nine o'clock,
which gives you...
[laughs] 12 hours.
[students exclaiming]
Okay! Here we go!
[Dan chuckles]
It's an easy one, for starters.
All you have to do is drink
a beer in front of a cop.
-[laughing]
-[students chattering]
[inaudible chatter]
Looks like Dill's right inside.
[laughing]
Here's a cold one.
That means
he's gotta see you do it.
That means
he's watching you drink it.
-That means,
while you're drinking, he's--
-Yeah, I, I, I got it.
-[liquid splashes]
-[student] What's he doing?
-[spritzes]
-Card doesn't say
what I have to drink it out of.
Just says "beer."
-He's right. [chuckles]
-[Zach chuckles] There you go.
This Bud's for you, asshole.
[slurps]
[students chattering]
-Evening, Officer Dill.
-[man] No.
Harper, what the hell's goin' on
out there?
Oh, you know, kids.
Friday night. Nothin' to do.
Yeah, well, they better not be
up to any of that Deeds crap.
'Cause tonight, me and Bevins
aren't letting anybody slide
on anything. All right?
-Anything to drink, Officer?
-Yeah, I'll have one of those.
[Zach gulping]
-[burping]
-[cup cracks]
Damn, that is a good
cup of coffee. [smacks lips]
Well, you have
a good night, officers.
Glad to know the town's safe
thanks to you.
That douchebag.
-What you gonna do?
-What you gonna do?
-Are you gonna get in?
-Yeah, what you gonna do?
I hope these things get harder.
Second Deed.
You've got to... [chuckles]
punch the toughest kid in town.
Gee, I guess
it's up to me to decide
who the toughest kid is.
-Don't worry,
I'm not gonna choose myself.
-That's disappointing.
I know. What about JD Riplock?
-[student laughs]
-You know him, don't ya?
Guns for biceps.
Genuine psycho badass.
[laughing]
He did a stretch in juvie
for putting a kid's head
through a blackboard.
Hey, y-- you all right, Ricky?
[grunts softly]
-[sighs]
-Go get him, slugger.
[laughter]
-[Biggs] Good luck, Harper.
-[engine starts]
-Nice knowin' ya!
-[students chattering]
-So, what you gonna do?
-What you gonna do?
-Are you gonna get in?
-Yeah, what you gonna do?
Are you gonna ride, baby?
-Yeah, yeah
-Baby, what you gonna do?
-Yeah, what you gonna do?
-Are you gonna get out?
-Yeah, what you gonna do?
-Then you gotta--
Riplock? He's a-- He's like...
[grunts] He's a psychopath.
-That guy's like a beast--
-Beast D! Bobby D.
-Yes, sir?
-Hey, what's the "D" stand for?
-Uh... [grunts]
-Sorry 'bout that.
Uh, it stands for "De Sanchez."
No, it stands for "Douche,"
but we can change that.
See, all you gotta do
to change that is help me
with a little problem.
As you guys all know,
Harper's doing the Deeds
tonight, right?
-Yeah.
-Yeah. And there's
a little tradition
that goes along with that.
All-night rager
at a freshman's house.
-[chuckles]
-That's funny. That's good.
And Bobby Douche...
...I heard your parents
are away for the weekend.
Uh, well, yeah,
they are, but, uh,
but they said
I can't have anyone over,
unless it's to study,
-so--
-Yeah, he's not lying.
I heard them say it.
I understand that. We're gonna
do a lot of studying.
-Calculus, geometry, anatomy.
-[exhales]
-Right.
-[laughs] Yeah,
congratulations, Bobby!
-Right.
-[Biggs] All right.
[sighs] Thanks.
-[metal music]
-[student] Whoa. Whoa.
-[grunts]
-[student] Yeah, man!
-[groans]
-[student exclaims excitedly]
[grunts]
-[grunting]
-[indistinct chatter]
Yeah! Who's next, huh?
Who's next?
[exhales sharply]
-[upbeat rock music]
-[cheering]
-Do you really think
this is gonna work?
-No, but what choice do I got?
-Nice place.
-Yeah, thanks, man.
-[cat yowls]
-[object clatters]
Oh, that can't be good.
Oh. Yeah, I, I,
I better go do something.
Go, do something!
Smile.
[indistinct chatter]
-[student 1]
Get him! You get him!
-[student 2] Come on.
-[student 3] Come on.
-[student 2] Whoa!
-[student 4] Get him.
You get him.
-[groans]
-[student 1] Yeah, you got it.
There you go.
-[groans]
[student 4]
Mess him up! Come on!
-[student 1] Yeah.
-[student 5] Come on.
[groans]
[rock music continues]
[indistinct chatter]
Are you lost, Harper?
-[punch lands]
-[loud thud]
-[rock music continues]
-[indistinct chatter]
[car engine starts, revs]
-[indistinct shouting]
-[tires screeching]
-Blood. Cool. [chuckles]
-He was just here.
Just drove off.
Now I'm gonna find out
what his tastes like.
[laughs, spits]
[rock music playing]
Hey, make sure
you put that back.
-[girl giggling]
-Hey, what do you--
-[groans]
-Hey.
Damn it! Two Deeds for Harper!
[all cheering]
-[mouthing] What?
-If I were you, dude,
I'd get as loaded
as humanly possible tonight.
[all chanting]
Two! Two! Two! Two! Two! Two!
-Two! Two! Two! Two!
-Two! Two!
[upbeat rock music]
[indistinct chatter]
Well, you've got balls, Harper.
I'll give you that.
And, gee, it turns out
you're gonna need 'em
to do the third Deed.
[sighs] What?
That's my favorite one yet.
I'd hurry if I was you.
Supermarket closes
in 20 minutes.
[laughs]
-[car revs]
-[beeps]
-[dialing]
-Yo, Biggs.
Yo. So, what's the third one,
my friend?
He's going to the market...
[continues inaudibly]
[chuckles]
Okay, yeah, seriously.
[dog barks in the distance]
[faint music over speakers]
-[hard rock music]
-[vehicle approaching]
[tires screeching]
[rock music playing
over car radio]
You guys seen Harper?
I need to give him something.
[chuckles]
[all laughing]
[hip-hop music playing]
That's what he's gotta do?
-That's, like, so gross.
-Not really.
Everybody, please be careful.
There's lots
of breakable stuff here.
-[object crashes, breaks]
-Now there's one less.
[slow rock music playing]
Desperate and cool
I'm down with you, honey
Post folks some news
and spend all the money...
[singsong] He's gonna die.
I'm gonna kill him.
He's gonna die.
[unzips fly]
I will lift you up
-And never bring you down
-[tires screech]
[horn honks]
[honks] Come on!
-Hey, move it!
-[BJ moans]
[honks] Come on!
Let's go! Move it!
-What is this?
-[BJ moans]
I'll love you forever.
Oh! You will kiss
my "scrunchie," BJ! [honking]
-I don't hear anything.
-[cars honking]
-I'm gonna kill you!
-[honking continues]
-I heard that.
-[tires screech]
-Oh, God! Oh!
-[glass shatters]
Oh, my car. My car.
[chuckles]
[JD] As soon as I get done
with Harper, I'm coming
after you, BJ!
[moaning]
-[JD] Enjoy that girl, BJ!
She's your last!
-[moaning]
????
[exhales]
[lighter clicks]
[mumbles] Jesus Christ.
Daddy's coming home!
Oh, when I'm done with you,
I'm gonna make your ass
look like a fig!
Look like a fig!
[ambient music playing]
[guard clears throat]
You see a lot of things
in this job...
...but I never thought
I'd see anyone trying
the Dirty Deeds again.
That is what
you're doing, right?
Absolutely, sir.
[chuckles nervously]
Rock on, son!
This is whole wheat, right?
-Right?
-Right.
[exhales]
[scanner beeping]
Oh, hey, man, my bad.
Here's your whole wheat.
This one's sourdough.
-[sniffs] Hmm.
-[scanner beeps]
Out of my way, Harper.
Hey, Mr. Fuchs.
You have yourself
a good night now.
[chanting] Two! Two!
Two! Two! Two! Two! Two!
Two! Two! Two! Two! Two!
-Three!
-[all cheering]
[dog barking in the distance]
[horn blares in the distance]
[engine starts, revs]
[indistinct
police radio chatter]
So, we got you for speeding,
driving an unregistered vehicle,
and being a douchebag
after midnight.
Son, we got to sort all this out
down at the station house.
[grunts in frustration]
Feelin' kind of stupid
about now, aren't you?
-[loud hip-hop music playing]
-Could you put that down?
Feet off the table.
Off the table. Thanks.
-[indistinct shouting]
-This stuff is expensive.
Be careful.
-Oh, sorry, dude.
-Yeah, thanks a lot.
[laughter]
Oh, Paul, rewind.
I gotta see that again.
[clattering]
[both laughing]
[cheering, applauding]
Clerk from the market says
you made a loaf of bread
very happy.
Oh, a gentleman never tells.
-[laughing]
-Hey, cool it, girls.
This asshole's got work to do.
Number four.
You've got to drag
that big-ass leprechaun
from Lucky's used car lot,
all the way to the high school.
-In one piece.
-[crowd] Oh.
Why are you sweating, Dan?
I'm the one doing all the work.
-[scoffs]
-[students chattering]
I'm not sweating.
Yo, where's my marker?
My marker!
It's not so bad, dude.
Oh, yeah.
-For me.
-My life is over.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm breaking up with you, Brian,
because you don't have any guts.
You know who has guts?
The guy hosting this party.
Whoever he is! [grunts]
Alison! I heard
you broke up with Brian.
-You know, he was never
good enough for you.
-[both chuckle]
Bree? You can let go now.
-Oh. Right. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]
Dude. Dude, did you hear that?
Go get her!
Go, go! Go, go, go!
[exhales]
[rock music]
[thuds, clanks]
[engine starts]
[chain rattling]
Ha!
[hissing]
-Oh, son of a--
-[thuds]
-[indistinct]
-[narrator on TV]
After being named
Chancellor in 1933,
Adolf Hitler went after power
like a man possessed.
No man or no thing
was able to stand in the way.
Try a school board, my friend.
-[crickets chirping]
-[dogs barking in the distance]
Thought it would be easy, huh?
You're supposed to be home.
I'm supposed
to be doing the Deeds,
but I got blocked by a senior
trying to show off.
You know what, Kyle?
I've got it under control.
[chuckles] Obviously.
[yelling, grunting] Why? Why?
[grunting, panting]
Kicking the balloon's
not gonna help.
Oh, you, you got a better idea?
Maybe I do.
-[TV playing]
-Oh, yeah. [snickers]
[knife clatters]
-Oh.
-[Hitler speaking German on TV]
[Kyle panting]
There.
-Ready?
-[panting] Yeah.
-[Hitler continues in German]
-[bombs exploding]
That's the way it's done.
[clears throat]
[Hitler continues speaking]
[coughs]
[loud hip-hop music playing]
-Hey!
-Hey!
-You find her?
-No.
Look harder!
-God, this is such a cool night!
-I know!
We switch the sprinklers on
without water flow,
hot air pours out of the heads.
The balloon inflates
and goes airborne.
Or not.
Since I have no other options,
I love it.
[sighs heavily]
[rap music]
How long we give him, Laws?
I don't know.
I say we give him
till about, uh... now.
Hey, listen up, everybody!
Listen up. We got another loser.
All right,
as your class president,
yeah, I tried
to give you a kick-ass
Homecoming Weekend.
-But, unfortunately,
Harper has ruined it.
-[boy 1] Hey, look, he did it!
-[Dan] But--
-[laughs]
[boy 2]
Oh, my...
[students applauding, laughing]
I wouldn't be making
any more speeches for a while.
Whatever. Yo, Harper's luck
is not gonna last.
Now will you go home?
Okay.
Look, I would have been screwed
if you didn't show up tonight.
[car approaching]
-Same here.
-[chuckling] Yeah.
I knew I'd find you here, Kyle.
Get in the car.
But I'm helping Zach
do the Deeds.
Look, we got the leprechaun up.
Look, he just showed up.
Yeah. And now he's going home.
[Zach]
He was just helping me out.
Don't be mad at him.
I'm not mad at him.
[car door opens]
You know, Zach, I always
thought you were different.
You were smarter than Lawton
and his macho crowd.
You cared about other things.
Just do
what you have to do, but...
...at least be careful.
[sighs]
[rock music playing]
-Four!
-[cheering]
[students whooping, whistling]
And, baby, I've been down
for 25 weeks
Give me an answer
and I won't take no
You tell me that you want me
'cause I want you so
Hey, now, oh, now
Come on, come on over now
I wanna get
get sentimental
Hey, now, oh, now...
Hi.
So, you having a good time?
Are you talking to me?
[chuckles nervously]
I-- I'm Bobby De Sanchez.
Your host?
Bobby! Hi! [chuckles]
[people screaming excitedly]
Oh, sorry that took so long.
Were you guys worried?
A little.
I was.
You're not even
halfway there yet.
-Don't get cocky, Harper.
-[smacks lips] You're the boss.
For now.
[rock music]
[male student 1]
What is it?
[female student]
Hey, Harper, that's hot.
[students shouting indistinctly]
-Hey.
-Hey, Stash. I thought
you were at the party.
Yeah, well, I need
another pain pill.
It's been six hours.
-It's been two hours.
-Anyways. There's a lot
of kids drinking.
You know, I couldn't be
a part of that. I'm trying
to clean up my act.
You want to help me
steal a dead body?
Ah, cool.
[revving]
Steal a dead body
and put it in the middle
of the school!
[cheering]
[ambient music playing]
Evening, Mr. Rasdale.
How are things
down at the lodge?
Quiet, Jos. What's it to you?
[chuckles] My name is Ryan, sir.
Did you want your usual?
How do you know
what my usual is?
Because you come in every night
before your shift, sir.
Don't get smart with me, Luis.
It's Homecoming Weekend.
Dirty Deeds time.
Sir...
Deeds got me once, years ago.
That's not gonna happen again.
So spread the word.
-You tell any of your hombres...
-[choking] Mm.
...that if they're
even thinking,
even thinkingabout the Deeds,
Vic Rasdale is waiting for them.
Still want your coffee, sir?
What, something
you can spit into?
You'd like that,
wouldn't ya, Miguel?
Very much, sir.
[dogs barking in the distance]
[scoffs] A Newton Imperial.
[chuckles] That's about
as hard to pick as my ass.
[softly] Do you talk this loud
when you pick your ass?
It's the same lock they have
on most doctors' offices.
Not that I've ever broken into
any of them to steal drugs
-back when I was using.
-That's a load off my mind.
-[clanks]
-[whimsical music]
[exhales] "Evelyn Easterbrook.
Loving wife,
mother and grandmother.
-Service Thursday."
-[both] No.
-Anything?
-"Jerry Noblock. Friend to all.
No flowers. Make donations
to boys' athletic club."
Nice guy.
Who we got?
[Stash sighs]
"John Doe. Found in park.
No relatives.
No service scheduled."
-He's got nobody.
-[chuckles]
-He's got us.
-[chuckles]
So, I figured a big night,
like someone trying the Deeds,
-I'll throw a big party.
-[chuckles]
Hey, you guys got everything
you need? [clicks tongue]
All right! Yeah!
Then I just told my parents
to clear out.
[gasps, moans]
-[Zach] Come on, come on!
Hurry! Hurry!
-[grunts]
Careful, careful, careful!
The door!
-Oh! Would you move?
-Hey, man. Sue me!
-[grunts]
-I'm stuck. I'm stuck.
We've got
a good thing going on
B-- b-- baby...
Are you buckled, John?
This guy's a maniac.
[both laugh]
[upbeat music]
Hey, let me know
if that's too much air.
-He's good.
-Yeah.
-I told you to wrap it tighter.
-And I ignored you.
-[police siren blares]
-[groans loudly]
-Shit.
-[Dill over speaker]
Pull the car over!
Get in back.
Cover him up, quick!
[dispatch on radio]
Report of a possible break-in,
Swan Point funeral home...
-Oh, shit.
-[chuckles nervously]
-Harper, Harper, Harper.
-[Zach] Sir.
You know why I stopped you?
Fighting real crime
is hard. Sir.
Wrong, 'cause 30 miles an hour
does not mean 38.
I'm sorry, Officer.
Who the hell is that back there?
Well, that's Stash
and his uncle.
[chuckles nervously]
He's had a rough night.
No shit.
Officer Dill, I'm just trying
to get the guy home.
He's really just dead... drunk.
I can see that.
All right, I'm gonna
let you slide this time.
Thank you. [laughing]
Thank. Thank you.
[Dill]
One more thing.
And, Harper,
your vehicle registration
expires at the end
of the-- [groans in disgust]
I mean, that is just wrong
on so many levels.
Tell me about it.
-Get them the hell out of here!
-[engine starts]
There are a lot of sick people
in this world.
[both chuckle]
Now, how very cool is that?
-[phone beeps]
-[Biggs] Five!
Bobby.
Yeah, I'm here.
-You wanna go upstairs?
-Mm.
[rock music playing]
I don't wanna move, ever.
But aren't there
bedrooms upstairs?
Ooh. [exhales]
I-- I'm, I'm sure there are.
-Can you get me a drink first?
-Oh, yeah, sure.
[exhales]
-How's it going?
-Unbelievable!
I may be dead tomorrow,
but I'm gonna die a man!
-She's so hot!
-Oh.
-[music stops]
-[students chattering]
[chanting]
Zach! Zach! Zach!
Zach! Zach! Zach! Zach!
Six.
We don't talk as much
as we used to, Dan, do we?
Just do the damn Deed.
"Bring back
a homecoming queen's bra.
Signed."
[students]
Ooh!
Hey, Jen.
-Oh. Yeah, right.
-[laughter]
[chanting]
Zach! Zach! Zach!
Zach! Zach! Zach! Zach!
-Zach! Zach!
Zach! Zach! Zach!
-[chanting fades]
-[dog barking in the distance]
-[whimsical music]
[doorbell rings]
-[man] What is it?
-Uh, is, is Amy home, sir?
[man]
Who the hell are you?
Zach Harper.
Are, are you Amy's dad?
No, I'm her big brother.
I can see that.
Is she home? I just need
to get a bra from her.
But she doesn't
have to be wearing it.
You know what, kid?
Why don't you
come back tomorrow,
-when it's light out?
-Okay.
That way, when I swing at you...
[shouts] I won't miss!
You got it.
-[phone rings]
-Hello.
Hello, Mrs. Moskowitz.
Uh, Zach Harper.
I was two years behind Leah
in high school.
Oh, yes, Zach.
Who could forget you?
Is everything all right, honey?
What's going on?
Well, I think you're gonna get
kind of a kick out of this.
Um, I was wondering
if I could swing by,
pick up some of her underwear.
[exclaims in disgust]
-[line disconnects]
-Hello?
[phone rings]
-Yes?
-Jennifer, hey,
it's Zach Harper.
Zach, it's late.
I think you're gonna get
kind of a kick out of this.
-I need one of your bra--
-[scoffs]
[man]
What was that about?
[hip-hop music]
[sighs heavily]
-[cell phone rings]
-Yeah?
[male voice]
You looking
for a homecoming queen?
-Who is this?
-Someone who wants
to see you take Lawton down.
Someone who knows
where you can find
what you're looking for.
I'm listening.
Vicky Crabbe.
Queen from five years ago.
She's got an apartment
at 47 Grandview,
downtown, across the street
from the Excelsior Hotel.
She's home now.
Grandview. Got it.
[laughs]
-[Zach] I'd been had,
set up and knocked over.
-[police siren blaring]
Five Deeds down,
five more to go,
and it looked like the night
was coming to an abrupt ending.
You know, it's amazing
how the best ideas come
at the most desperate times.
'Cause I had to piss
like it was nobody's business.
[chuckles]
It's a good thing
the Excelsior Hotel
was across the street.
[laughing]
[gentle piano music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Can I use your men's room?
Bathroom's for customers.
Okay, then I'll take a beer.
[scoffs]
Maybe in a couple of years.
-Make it a Coke.
-$6.50.
Am I a customer now?
Men's room's on your right, sir.
So, kid, what's her name?
What?
The girl that put
that nasty look on your face.
What's her name?
What do you mean?
You're a mess.
What did she do to you?
-[both laugh]
-Uh...
Look, this has nothing
to do with a girl, okay?
Okay, a little bit.
Okay, fine, a lot. Like, 80%.
-There you go.
-Now, here's the deal.
I'm doing
this high school... uh, thing.
-Mm-hm.
-Mostly so that her brother
won't have to.
But the real reason is...
...she's great.
Pretty, smart,
not into the games
that everyone else is.
And she probably has
no idea how you feel.
-[chuckles]
-Hey, it's her loss.
[laughs]
Are, are you... trying to...
What, pick you up?
No. No, no, no. No, no. [scoffs]
-Are you?
-[laughs] No.
No, I'm just--
Let's, let's stick
to what's really bothering you.
Talking,
talking helps, you know.
Nothing's gonna help now,
unless you were
a homecoming queen
at West Valley. [clicks tongue]
Rachel Buff, sir, class of '99,
homecoming theme,
"Reach for the stars."
-[chuckling] Are you kidding me?
-Nope.
My mom still has my tiara
on the piano.
So, what can I do for you?
Oh! Actually,
I think you might get
kind of a kick out of this.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Hey. You mind
helping me with the clasp?
Uh, that would be, uh... Sure.
Sure, I can do that.
-Ooh! [chuckles]
Your hands are cold!
-Sorry.
-So, tell me,
what number Deed is this?
-Six.
-Six?
-Yeah.
Oh, my God. You're closing in
on Duncan Rime.
You're a stud!
Ah. Mm.
[groans] There you go. Mm.
You're the greatest person
I have ever met. Thank you.
[chuckles] Do you have a pen?
Girlfriend, girlfriend
falling off the deep end
Girlfriend, girlfriend...
Hey, did you find her yet?
-No.
-Okay, keep looking.
Hey, Alison?
[rock music playing]
How do I know this is legit?
-Well, I got her
on picture phone too.
-[beeps]
Hey, everybody,
it's Rachel Buff.
Don't stay up too late,
and I'll see you tomorrow
at homecoming.
Better be there. Go, Vikings!
Oh, there's more.
-Up yours, Danny boy.
-[laughs]
[crowd exclaiming, chattering]
Whatever.
Here you go.
Lucky number seven.
[Dan]
It's never gonna happen, Harper.
You've been right so far, Dan.
[flat tire thumping]
[engine stops]
[crickets chirping]
[groaning] Shit.
[air hissing]
Oh, God.
Those assholes.
Son of a bitch!
[sighs heavily]
[rock music]
Alison! I've been looking
all over for you.
Aw. Sorry, Bobby,
I had to pee, and the line
was, like, a mile long.
So, so, where were we?
I was about to go upstairs
with the guy with real guts.
[Biggs]
Hey, man, you should have seen
this little pissant
when we told him
he had to throw this rager.
I thought he'd shit himself.
[laughs] Right, douche?
Douche, douche, douche!
[laughing]
Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold--
[crickets chirping]
[sighs]
Kyle can't come out and play.
Just go away.
I-- Look, Meg.
Can I borrow your car?
-Are you serious?
-Yeah. Lawton's goons
slashed my tires.
Oh, wow. You know,
you don't expect that
from goons.
I, I need to get
to the Patriot Lodge.
That's the Deed?
And kinda borrow
the night watchman's leg?
[chuckles nervously]
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I mean, as long
as it's for a good cause.
Meg, look, nothing will happen
to your car.
Look, you can't have my car.
[inhales] Meg...
...I've got nobody else
to go to. Please.
[sighs]
Stash's lock-picking tools.
-I'll be right back.
-Zach...
Look, you told me
your folks are out of town
and you're worried that
Kyle's gonna sneak out again.
I'll be as quick as I can.
No, I, I was actually
gonna say good luck.
[sighs] Look, I know I can get
too serious sometimes.
It's okay.
Baby, look at me
We're gonna be okay...
Even though right now...
You know, you'd better go.
[softly] Right. Right.
Baby, we're both right
Baby, it don't really matter
[man snoring]
[whimsical music]
Mm.
[giggles]
[snoring]
-[shatters]
-[Zach] Shit.
Mm?
[gun cocks]
Now, this is
a private club, son.
And we don't cotton
to a lot of things here.
Integration,
breakin' and enterin'.
Now, I suggest you show yourself
with three things up in the air.
Your hands and my leg!
[tense music]
Otherwise Vic Rasdale
is gonna be fillin'
this fine antique with buckshot.
And your ass will be hangin'
on our trophy wall.
Now, I am gonna count to 50.
-Forty-eight, 49--
-[knocking]
[amusing sultry music]
[muted]
[mouthing] Yes, you.
[grunts]
-[yelps]
-[gunshot]
[glass breaks]
-[chuckles]
-[keys jangling]
-You saved me!
-Yeah, you can thank me later.
-Okay, let's get you home.
-No. No, no.
You, you have three more Deeds.
No, look, you can, uh,
just take my car. [pants]
-What?
-Yeah.
I can't believe
you're doing this.
I can't believe
I just flashed Rasdale.
-Go. Go, go, go, go.
-Yeah, thanks.
A couple of punks got my leg!
[sighs]
I only saw the girl...
...but I got a real good look
at her, all right.
[giggles softly] Huh?
You mean, describe her face?
Well, I can't!
[keys jingle]
-[grunts]
-[groans]
Ow!
Oh, hey, Dan. I bet you're
wondering how much you owe me
-for the flat tires.
-Here's Deed number eight.
Uh-oh. Here comes
Deed number two,
just catching up with you.
-That spare leg
should come in handy.
-[Zach] Shit.
[chuckles]
This is gonna hurt a little.
[grunts, laughs]
[rock music]
-[Mullet] Hey, asshole.
-[Zach groans]
-[Mullet grunting]
-[boys groaning]
-Get the hell on out of here!
-[coughing]
-Oh, hey, Mullet?
-Hey.
-You okay, man?
-Yeah.
Yeah, man. Thanks. Thanks.
Maybe you ought to think about
bailing on this Deeds thing.
Why? Right when it's starting
to get fun? [laughs]
Ouch.
Thanks.
-Leg is stolen!
-Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[rock music]
[yells excitedly]
Look at you
You're so tough
In my face, playing rough
I've had just about enough
[song fades]
[indistinct chatter]
[upbeat music]
No.
[scoffs]
It's not a threat.
But you tell him
it's a favor for me.
I don't want to have to
call him myself.
Yeah. Hang on.
There's an extra ten bucks
for you, kid.
You bring her back cherry.
Uh-huh. Yeah, very good.
[exhales]
[engine starts]
[tires screech]
Come on, Alison,
I was desperate,
certain that death
was staring me
right in the face.
-I didn't think
I'd live through another day!
-Look!
Do you wanna whine
or do you wanna go upstairs?
Hey, a freshman
hitting on a senior?
That's pretty gutsy.
-[tires squeal]
-[worker] Back it up.
-You have to back it up.
-Oh, God.
Some shortcut.
[tires screech]
-[distant chatter]
-Kyle?
Kyle, you awake?
What's going on?
You deal this time, Kyle.
We're just playing for pennies.
It's a nice, friendly game,
for now.
-Who are you?
-I'm the last man in the world
you wanna piss off.
You see, your boyfriend
stole my Ferrari.
Dumbass left your crap-box car
at the club.
A cop I own ran the plates,
and guess what? Here I am.
Look, Kyle has nothing
to do with this, okay?
Kyle has everything
to do with this,
because if I don't get
my vehicle back very soon,
me and Home Alone are gonna play
for bigger stakes.
[crickets chirping]
[tires screech]
[students cheering, applauding]
[hip-hop music]
Lawton, where did you get
that piece of shit car?
I'll bet you're surprised
to see me right now.
Thought a little beat down
might make me quit?
What? What did you do?
Oh, he tried to throw me
to the animals at the zoo.
That's bullshit, Dan,
and you know it.
Doesn't even matter anymore,
because I tossed
the last two envelopes,
when I figured
he wasn't coming back.
Well, I'm glad
I picked them up, then.
[female student]
Yeah. Go, girl.
What's it say?
"Find Duncan Rime"?
[chuckles]
Yep, that's what it says.
There's no way
that that is a Deed.
Hey, I don't write
the Deeds, Harper.
I'm just gonna enjoy the fact
that you're gonna choke
on this one.
[mimics choking, laughs]
Oh, it's a tough spot, Harper,
and my heart goes out to you.
I mean, you must be saying,
"How do I find a guy
who doesn't even exist anymore?"
[both laughing]
[Mullet]
Over here.
[somber music]
I'm Duncan Rime.
-[female student] What?
-What?
The picture's a little old,
but it's me.
I don't believe this shit.
What happened to you?
Long story.
It started way back.
Senior year in high school.
You should have seen me.
[somber music continues]
I had the best car,
hottest girl.
But I figured
doing the one thing
nobody'd ever done
would be the perfect capper.
You did all ten Dirty Deeds.
No, in my day,
there were only eight Deeds.
See, the rules say
you gotta add to the list
if somebody gets through 'em.
-Why?
-[Duncan] No reason.
No reason for any of this.
But I didn't get that until
I was out in the real world.
Then I realized
just how miserable I'd been
all through high school.
It's just playing
some bullshit game,
pretending I was cool.
If you keep playing
by their rules,
-they're always gonna beat ya.
-[female students] Right.
[Duncan]
Even when you think you've won.
What the hell are you doing?
[students chattering]
[sighs]
Give me the last Deed.
[Zach inhales]
This is a waste of time,
and you are a waste of skin.
-[female student] Oh, yeah!
-Do it.
[students whooping, applauding]
[sirens approaching]
[Zach]
Oh, shit.
-You're under arrest, Harper!
-For what?
-For doing the Dirty Deeds!
-That's not a charge!
Yeah? How about
grand theft auto?
[Mr. Scarno]
Kid didn't steal anything.
Yeah? Well, that's not
what my report said.
Yeah, well, the report you got
can eat me, all right?
It's my car,
and I lent it to the kid.
And I'm just gonna assume
that you don't have
a problem with that.
Mr. Scarno.
Well, good evening, sir.
You know, I don't think
an exchange of paperwork
is in our best interest.
What is in our best interest
is for you to let the boy go
and, and I go on my merry way.
Does that sound good?
Well, I-- Yeah, I--
He can...
Just...
Good night, Officer Dill.
[all]
Doh!
Don't worry. Nothing's gonna
happen to your boyfriend.
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
He almost got my brother killed.
What?
[chuckles] Yeah, you know,
you almost did. Let's go.
[rock music]
[blows]
[grunts]
[chuckles] Yeah.
-[thuds]
-Whoa.
[panting]
-Whoo! Whoo!
-Bobby?
Are you coming?
Oh. Nearly!
Oh. [panting]
[Bobby exhales]
Okay. [exhaling]
-[knock on door]
-Come in.
I'm ready.
[Bree]
Me too.
Bree! I'm kind of busy here.
Well, I'm worried about you.
You really shouldn't be alone
right now.
-I'm not. [chuckles]
-Are you ready for Bobby?
Two?
[both laugh]
Two!
Two!
Oh, yeah. Oh!
Thank you!
Oh. [exhales]
The, the parents are home!
-Two!
-The parents!
Oh! We need to get out of here!
-[giggles]
-[chuckles]
I'm ready.
Yeah, you are.
I'm not.
-Come on!
-[rock music]
Everyone, get out!
Everybody, out!
[male student 1]
Let's go!
-Who are you kids?
-[male student 2] Move!
Move away! Now!
[Mr. Seaver]
What is this?
-[giggles]
-[gasps]
I got what the place
used to look like,
-for the insurance company.
-Oh, my God.
Robert.
What are you doing in our house?
[exhales] Hi. Oh. [zips fly]
Mr. and Mrs. Seaver, hi.
I, uh--
I was just leaving. Whoo.
-[gasps]
-[Mr. Seaver] I'm calling
his mother right now.
This could work.
[faint rock music]
Thanks, Millie.
-[man 1] Pickup!
-[man 2] Pickup!
You know, I used
to boost a lot of cars
when I was coming up,
but I never did your valet bit.
That was smart...
-...when you don't leave
a car behind.
-My first day. [chuckles]
So, you did all this
just to get that dickwad
in a Beemer
-to stop picking
on her brother?
-Mm-hm.
I can see why you'd want
to get on her good side.
I gotta tell you,
I'm very impressed.
What are you, 17?
Eighteen.
I killed three men
by the time I was 18.
Legally, in Vietnam.
I signed up
to get away from my father.
You see, my father
was an asshole.
He did teach me
one thing, though.
That I didn't need him.
And that's an important lesson
to learn,
because when you depend
on people, they disappoint you.
So, you gotta step up yourself,
like you did tonight.
Hell, it took me until I was 20
and sitting in a jungle.
-What did you do?
-We had this lieutenant who was
determined to get us all killed.
So, I got him sent home.
-How?
-I kicked the shit out of him.
[chuckles]
[rock music]
This better be good.
I told my mom
I'd be home by now.
I'll write you a note.
[chuckles]
[Dan chuckling]
[JD chuckles]
Pop the damn leprechaun!
Just get it off
my football field!
Where is Maintenance?
Dealing with what dead body?
Damn those IABs.
So, Zachary, this is my card.
You ever need anything,
call that number.
[Jen]
Zach!
Look, Zachary,
it's dickwad's little girly.
Lawton gave the tenth Deed
to Riplock.
-So?
-So he's gonna ruin
the homecoming carnival.
-That's what the tenth Deed
said to do.
-Look, I am way past caring.
You're gonna get blamed.
The cops know you were the one
doing the Dirty Deeds.
How do I know your boyfriend
didn't put you up to this?
He's not my boyfriend anymore.
Look, Riplock said
he's gonna pack the stage
with fireworks
and scare the hell
out of everybody.
So, a bunch of people
get scared. So what?
These are M-80s.
Zach, something
could catch fire.
People could panic.
And Meg's on that stage.
Head of the honor society.
Remember?
-What time is it?
-8:30.
-It starts at 9:00.
-Where is this thing?
-The football field
at the school.
-You should get going.
-It's gonna be close.
-Here, take the car.
-Who, me?
-Well, you don't mind
stealing it
-when I flip you the keys.
-What about you?
I got something to do. Go on.
[car engine starts]
[tires screech]
[dialing]
Yeah, who's working today?
[accelerating]
Italian quick gangmafioso
-Toasted account
just like Sammy Sosa
-Sammy Sosa...
[engine starts, revs]
[indistinct chatter]
[man 1]
Put it on the ground.
-Whoa, whoa. That's good.
Tie it over there.
-[man 2] Yeah.
That's it!
Move it back three feet!
-[man 3] I got to set up
the tent.
-[man 2] Let's go.
[man 3]
That's it.
[men continue indistinctly]
-[upbeat rock music]
-[tires screech]
-[beeping]
-[yells]
-[percussive band music]
-[indistinct chatter]
-I'm gonna go look for Zach.
-Okay.
Thank you for being so prompt,
Miss Cummings.
Let's get this show on the road.
Instruments up.
Ready? Let's play, people.
Hey, Stash, have you seen Zach?
Hey, I'm looking for him too.
He's got my pain pills.
Hey, pal, what part
of 30 miles an hour
didn't you understand?
[car accelerating]
We got Harper!
I've got him.
Come on!
-All right, may I have
your attention, please?
-[booing]
[coughs, gags]
Yes. We have a long program
to get through, people.
[police siren blaring]
Our, uh, presentations
this morning will be given out
by Miss Rachel Buff.
-Yeah.
-[all cheer]
Who is not quite here yet.
[crowd booing]
-[tires screeching]
-[police siren blaring]
[Zach]
Meg!
Get off the stage!
Meg, get off the stage!
It's gonna blow up!
Get off the stage!
[Fuchs]
People, people, just stay calm.
-Ignore this--
-Get off the stage, Fucks!
-Oh, I got you, Harper!
-No, Officer Dill, look!
No! You look!
You're under arrest!
[handcuffs clicking shut]
[explosions]
[students screaming]
Oh, my God!
[strained groaning]
Holy shit!
-Bevins, stay with Harper!
-[Meg] Zach...
God, he's such a dildo!
Go on, get out of here.
Get out of here.
-Let's go.
-[chuckles] Come on.
-Homie's truck blew up, man!
-[cell phone rings]
Mom?
Yeah.
[voice breaking]
My truck just blew up.
I don't know.
No! Don't yell at me!
Harper, what the hell is this?
Pretty damn cool.
And, Mr. Fuchs,
It's All Bullshit.
IAB? "It's All Bullshit."
Just thought
you might wanna know.
[chuckles]
[laughs] Oh, Paul,
tell me you've got that.
I got that. The IAB sees all.
This is gonna get me
into film school, for sure.
-[laughs]
-So cool.
So, Zachary,
my boys do nice work, huh?
Yeah, they do.
-Thanks.
-[keys jangle]
Thanks for everything.
-We gotta run.
-[Mr. Scarno] Hey, kid...
...there's an extra ten
in it for you
if you bring her back cherry.
[male student 1]
BJ! You a bad boy!
Seven years,
and I've never missed
a homecoming.
And I never will.
-[BJ moaning]
-[soft music]
Mm. I'll love you forever.
[male student 2]
Double-header for BJ!
I feel ya, dawg! I feel ya!
Yes, yes,
at West Valley High School.
There has been an explosion.
The main field.
-[laughs]
-Excuse...
-You.
-Lieutenant. You remember.
That is so sweet.
You...
You, you, you... [yelps]
[laughs]
[upbeat pop music]
So, still mad at me?
Furious. Can't you tell?
-[laughs]
-[engine starts]
[tires screech]
Bevins, get over here!
Give me a hand!
[shouting indistinctly]
[shouting]
Who's that douchebag who got us
this fire extinguisher? Bevins!
[shouting indistinctly]
[Zach]
Well, there you have it,
my page
in the Dirty Deeds ledger.
-[muted]
-You might ask what's to gain
-from any of this.
-[laughing]
Do I need to say any more?
["Almost" by Bowling For Soup]
I almost got drunk
at school at 14
Where I almost made out
with the homecoming queen
Who almost went on
to be Miss Texas
But lost to a slut
with much bigger breastes
I almost dropped out
to move to LA
Where I was almost famous
for almost a day
And I almost had you
But I guess
that doesn't cut it
Almost loved you
I almost wish
you would've loved me too
I almost held up
a grocery store
Where I almost
did five years
and then seven more
'Cause I almost got popped
for a fight with a thug
'Cause he almost made off
with a bunch of the drugs
That I almost got hooked on
'cause you ran away
And I wish I would've had
the nerve to ask you to stay
And I almost had you
But I guess
that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it
You kept me guessing
and now I'm destined
To spend my time missing you
I almost wish
you would've loved me too
Here I go thinking
about all the things
I could've done
I'm gonna need a forklift
'cause all the baggage
weighs a ton
-Baggage weighs a ton
-I know we had our problems
I can't remember one
I almost forgot
to say something else
And if I can't fit it in
I'll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song
about you today
But I tore it all up
and then I threw it away
And I almost had you
But I guess
that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it
You kept me guessing
and now I'm destined
To spend my time missing you
And I almost had you
Almost had you
Almost had you
I almost wish
you would've loved me too
Wish you would've
loved me too
[song ends]
["I'll Get Away With This"
by Superjerk]
I got a secret I can't keep
I just committed
another Dirty Deed
I still got lots more
I got to do
Didn't wind up in jail
or face down
in a swimming pool
-Too wrong, being pointed
and told what I have to do
-What I have to do
Humiliate their reputation
Desecrate their rules
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-It's really hot
to social resistance
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-Eye for an eye
and fist for a fist
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
I never knew where I fit in
Smash up no good
Punk misfit in the back
with an angry fist
Like Twisted Sister
I won't take it anymore!
Tattooed "Vendetta"
This song in an open scar
Too wrong, being pointed
and told what I have to do
What I have to do
Humiliate their reputation
Desecrate their rules
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-It's really hot
to social resistance
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-Eye for an eye
and fist for a fist
[song fades]
[faint crowd chatter]
-[bat hits ball]
-[crowd cheering]
[soft whooshing]
-["I'll Get Away With This"
by Superjerk]
-I got a secret I can't keep
I just committed
another Dirty Deed
I still got lots more
I gotta do
Didn't wind up in jail
or face down
In a swimming pool
Too wrong, being pointed
And told what I have to do
What I have to do
Humiliate their reputation
Desecrate their rules
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-It's really hot
to social resistance
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-Eye for an eye
and fist for a fist
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
I never knew where I fit in
Smash up no good
Punk misfit in the back
with an angry fist
Like Twisted Sister
I won't take it anymore!
Tattooed "Vendetta"
This song in an open scar
Too wrong, being pointed
and told what I have to do
What I have to do
Humiliate their reputation
Desecrate their rules
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-It's really hot
to social resistance
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
[song fades]
[Zach]
West Valley High.
My high school.
I bet it's a lot like yours,
which means it probably sucks.
-[yelling indistinctly]
-But, you see, we got something
most schools don't.
The Dirty Deeds.
Once a year,
the night before homecoming,
-anybody can take
this challenge.
-[inaudible chatter]
Hardly anybody ever does,
and when they do,
it's usually a punk kid
with a death wish
out to prove he's tough or cool.
-To me, it's bullshit, just like
everything else around here...
-[muted]
Welcome to Homecoming Weekend!
-[all cheering]
-[Zach] ...until today.
[rock music]
[tires screech]
Come on! Move!
[growls, honks]
[tires screech]
That's my spot.
[revving]
[car chirps]
-[growls]
-[tires screech]
First off, I'd like to announce
that this year's
honorary chairperson,
-Rachel Buff, Homecoming Queen
four years ago...
-[crowd cheers]
...and now a professional model,
will be joining us
this weekend. [chuckles]
[crowd applauding, cheering]
You've no doubt seen her
in the catalog
for the Lingerie Hut.
[cheering]
She'll be giving out
the senior awards
tomorrow morning
at the carnival.
[sultry R&B music]
Red light.
[BJ moaning]
-[horns honking]
-[moaning]
-[BJ] God,
I'll love you forever.
-[horns honking]
Meg, I've finished your college
recommendation letter.
Oh.
Thanks, Mrs. Hale. [chuckles]
I've told them
you're odds-on favorite
for valedictorian.
[Meg chuckles]
Valedictorian?
What does that mean?
It's Latin.
It means a full scholarship.
A ticket out of this town,
and a guarantee
I'll never have to wait tables
in my life.
-[indistinct announcement
in the distance]
-Crap! I'm late!
We're not late.
And now, to unveil this year's
homecoming banner,
your senior class president,
the fabulous Dan Lawton.
[crowd cheering]
-Hey, how's it lookin'?
-Shh!
[mouthing]
First, I wanna say
that the Vikings
are gonna kick
some major ass tomorrow!
[loud cheering]
-[rock music]
-[tires screech]
[JD]
You should watch
where you're going!
Every time! [growls]
Sorry.
-[yells]
-[tires screech]
[car alarms blaring]
-[alarms continue blaring]
-[indistinct chatter]
[student]
Moron!
-Sorry.
-[alarms continue blaring]
[crowd applauding
in the distance]
And now, let's get
Homecoming Weekend started!
[loud cheering]
[laughing]
[crowd chattering]
Who'd wanna go
and do a thing like that?
[chuckling]
[dramatic music]
[crowd chattering]
[inaudible chatter]
[dramatic music intensifies]
My office, Mr. Harper, now.
[bell ringing]
-[moaning]
-[horns honking]
Let's make love
All night long...
-We're gonna be late.
-Oh, no. No, no, no.
Not me. I graduated in June.
-[both chuckle]
-[honking continues]
[BJ moans]
Round and round...
[song fades]
That'll be all, Ms. Straight.
-So, Mr. Harper...
-[door closes]
Yes, Mr. Fuchs.
Pronouncing my name correctly,
that's a start.
-Well, I can always
go back to Fuck--
-I have no doubt, Mr. Harper.
I still think you know
something about this
recent outbreak of pranks.
Shall I call your mother,
try to arrange
a conference one more time?
Ah, knock yourself out.
Fifth time is a charm.
I seem not to have
a number for your father.
Join the party.
You don't have
a lot of respect for authority,
do you, Mr. Harper?
[inhales]
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
-[whimsical music]
-[distant whistle blows]
I wanted a moment alone
with you guys,
'cause you're the leaders
of this school.
[guffawing]
Trust me, Biggs, I'm as
depressed about that as you are.
How can we help you,
Officer Dill?
Well, it's Homecoming Weekend
at West Valley,
and everybody knows
that means a lot of talk
about the Dirty Deeds.
I haven't heard anything.
-How about you guys?
-[others] Nah, nah.
-Nah, man--
-Hey!
Well, let's just keep it
that way, shall we?
It's been a long time
since anybody's tried 'em,
and I don't want
any of you knuckleheads
getting any ideas.
Actually, my dad said,
back in the day, youtried 'em.
-But, uh, he pissed his pants
before he did the first one.
-[students laughing]
Yeah? Well, your dad used
to shower in his bathing suit.
-[student 1] Damn!
-[student 2 laughs]
[student 1]
This guy's bad, baby.
[bell dings]
We've got everything
under control.
Good. Well, see that you do.
Come on, Bevins.
-It's all good, Officer Dill...
-Doh!
[stifled laughter]
[laughing stops]
-Douchebags.
-[indistinct police
radio chatter]
[students chattering, laughing]
Now, was that the work of you
and your band of misfits?
You flatter me, Mr. Fuchs,
because that
is first-rate stuff.
I notice the letters "I-A-B"
appear once again, Mr. Harper.
Tell me, what do they stand for?
I am... bored?
Just a guess.
Sadly, the school board and I
differ on rules
regarding suspension.
They require incontrovertible
proof of a transgression.
But I will say this, Mr. Harper,
any student I catch red-handed,
I pity them.
I pity anyone
who has to deal with you, sir.
Anything else you'd like to add
before you're dismissed,
Mr. Harper?
No. Just keep up the good work.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[sighs]
-Hey.
-So, did he suspend you?
Ah, not yet,
but the man's trying his best.
Listen, Zach, how can I say this
without sounding harsh?
Um, stay the hell away
from my brother.
Whoa. [chuckles]
Okay. Now, maybe it's me,
-but that still sounded harsh.
-I'm serious.
-Yeah, way too.
-Look, for some strange reason,
he really looks up to you.
Well, we gotta stop that.
I mean, I don't want anybody
looking up to me.
I only wanna look down
on the people
that others look up to.
Is everything a joke with you?
Is anything a joke with you?
Oh. Hey, come, come on. Come on.
What, did the honor society
take a no-smile oath?
Look, I, I just don't want Kyle
getting into things
he can't handle.
I mean, next year,
when I'm away at school,
who's gonna look out
for him? Nobody.
I let the kid hang out.
What's the harm?
Just don't drag him down,
Zach, okay?
[indistinct announcement
over PA]
-[laughing]
-Whoo!
Yeah! [growls]
[laughs]
-[ambient music over speakers]
-Excuse me.
-Excuse me.
-[bell dings]
[muffled] Excuse me!
I got a note from the dentist.
I can't go to gym.
-[dings]
-Excuse me.
Okay, I'm coming.
I'm coming. I'm...
[farts]
[farts]
[continues farting]
Now, what is it, young man?
[gagging]
Holy crap!
What did you eat
for dinner last night,
a Mexican village?
I'll just go to gym.
[farts]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct announcement
over PA]
[exhales]
[Dan]
Morning, Meg.
You are looking so hot.
[clicks tongue] Aw,
is your girlfriend sick today?
-You think Jen
has to know everything?
-[chuckles]
-The less they know,
the better, right?
-You know it.
[dispenser clicks]
You know, they work better
if you drink 'em.
Damn dentist drilled
through my head.
Did he give you anything
for the pain?
Yeah, but I'm not sure
I can take them.
I can't reach my sponsor,
and I don't wanna throw
my sobriety down the drain.
-It's been five days.
-Which beats your regular
by what, five days?
-Roughly.
-It's a prescription.
You're in pain.
It's medicine. Take it.
No, no.
One.
One.
[bell ringing]
-Find me in four to six hours.
-Cool.
Hey, Cummings,
like playing maintenance man?
The extra money helps.
The sprinklers still busted?
Yeah. Low water pressure.
All that's coming out
is hot air.
Fascinating.
Hey, listen.
I heard that you're fast.
4-9:40?
4-7.
-4-7?
-[student] Whoa!
-Damn.
-Nice.
Hey, listen. Let, let's put
all this crap behind us.
We could use
a little bit more speed
on the team.
Wide receiver,
something like that.
You interested?
-Maybe.
-Great. Why don't you run a lap?
Let us time you.
Yeah, right now.
-[Biggs] Yeah, man, go.
-Okay, you ready?
-Set, go!
-[student] Come on, baby! Yeah!
Let's do it, brother! Come on!
-[laughs] All right.
-Good job.
Okay, everybody,
a little contribution.
[laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct conversation]
[laughing]
[Biggs]
Yeah, look at you!
Man, oh, man.
You could
totally make this team.
-Amazing.
-[panting] Yeah?
-Yeah. Yeah, man.
Most definitely.
-Absolutely, man.
[Biggs]
Your acceleration is fast.
-[spits]
-[laughing]
[gags, coughs]
I thought you'd be happy.
We got your sprinklers working.
Ah, sorry to piss you off, dude.
-[all laughing]
-[coughing]
Hey.
-What's going on?
-Lawton. Such an asshole.
-You want me to do something?
-No. I can take care
of myself, okay?
Oh, you just gonna
let him keep kicking your ass
until his foot hurts?
Uh-uh.
Something else.
-[crowd cheering]
-[distant whistle blows]
[upbeat music]
I heard that there's ten of 'em,
and they get, like,
harder as you go on.
I heard, one year,
a freshman lost his ball sack
-trying to do the Deeds.
-Oh!
Freshmen lose their ball sacks
all the time.
[chuckles] Thanks.
-The senior class pres has a key
to some locker somewhere...
-[girls gasp]
...and that's
where the Deeds are.
-[gasps] Really?
-Totally.
I heard you could die
doing the Deeds.
How very cool is that?
Yo, like, 15 years ago,
some kid did 'em all.
Football player,
Homecoming King.
Dude's name was Duncan Rime.
-Duncan Rime.
-Duncan Rime.
-Duncan Rime.
-Yeah, yeah, I heard he dead.
No, he didn't die, you retard.
Homie did a vanishing.
[mouths] Poof.
Ain't nobody seen
his white ass since, yo.
I heard he joined the mob, son.
-[chuckles] Yeah,
that's something.
-Yeah.
-[indistinct chatter]
-[chuckling] Yeah.
[record scratches]
Uh... [clears throat]
Who talks like that?
It would be so cool, man.
I mean, think about it.
Somebody trying the Deeds
would pump up
this Homecoming Weekend
and totally put our class
on the map.
-Why don't you try 'em, Biggs?
-Me?
-[all laugh]
-[Biggs] Yeah, that's right.
Hey, Lawton!
Hey, what's the matter,
Cummings? You still thirsty?
[boys laughing]
-Uh-oh. Check this out, Z.
-[Biggs laughing]
You think you're the big shit
around here?
How come you don't try
the Dirty Deeds?
'Cause I'm not
the dumb shit around here.
-I say it's 'cause
you don't have the guts.
-[students oohing]
But I do.
Tonight, I'm doing the Deeds.
[gasps softly]
[mouthing] Oh, my God.
You're on, big man.
I'll see you tonight.
-[students cheer]
-[bell ringing]
[inaudible chatter]
[laughs, mouths] No way!
[cheering indistinctly]
-[indistinct conversations]
-[birds chirping]
-[Meg] Zach.
-Hey.
Hey. Listen.
You gotta stop Kyle, okay?
He's gonna get hurt.
Is this the same Kyle
you said you wanted me
to stay away from?
Yes, but maybe
he'll listen to you.
He really wants to do this.
-And you think
that that's smart?
-I wouldn't do it.
Zach... [sighs]
You're the only person
I can ask for help here.
I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.
Look, Meg.
Look, I think that's really cool
that he's, he's got someone
to look out for him.
Kyle is about to get thrown
in jail or expelled.
Yeah, yeah, really,
I'm doing a great job.
[suspenseful music]
[sighs] Shit.
[key jingles]
[door creaks]
[unlocks]
-[blows]
-[air whooshes]
-[wind whistling]
-[locker door creaks shut]
[hip-hop music]
-[Dan] There he is.
-Hey, Mullet! Heads up!
-[groans]
-[Biggs] Nice shot. [laughs]
[laughs]
-[student] All right.
-Good throw, dawg.
[engine stops]
-[groans]
-Hey, Mullet, you all right?
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Somebody's gotta teach
that asshole a lesson.
[sighs]
[punk rock music]
[inaudible chatter]
I don't think the loser's
showing up, Laws.
-Hey, maybe
he got glued someplace.
-[laughs]
Guys, take a look.
This is so stupid, Kyle.
Okay, you don't have to do this.
It's the only way to get Lawton
off my back.
-Kyle--
-Just stay out of it.
Okay, Lawton,
-let's do this.
-[Meg] Kyle.
[tires screeching]
-[door closes]
-I'm doing the Deeds.
-Sorry,
the job's already filled.
-Wrong. He's a freshman.
-I'm a senior.
Rules say I get priority.
-He's right.
-Dan, if a senior wants
the challenge, he ge--
-I know the rules.
You want the Deeds?
Fine, they're yours.
-I'm gonna enjoy
watching you go down.
-[student] Oh!
I'm gonna get the Deeds.
That will give you
some time to chicken out.
[students chatter]
-[cell phone beeping]
-Harper's gonna do the Deeds.
Zach, what are you doing?
You're making me look bad.
[sighs] Why do you get
to have all the fun?
-[cell phone chiming]
-What are you doing?
I thought you told me
to get Kyle out of this.
Well, I didn't say you should
screw up your own life.
Ah. That's a nice thing to say.
It's just,
this Deeds thing is sick.
Not if it gets Lawton
off your brother's ass.
-Why does he have it in
for Kyle, anyway?
-You're kidding, right?
You're the only girl at school
that Lawton can't have
his way with.
Kyle's just payback.
-[students chanting] Deeds!
-Look, just take your brother
home, Meg.
[chanting continues]
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!
-[chanting fades]
-[Dan] Okay.
All right, Harper,
you know the drill.
You don't get the second Deed
until you finish the first.
So, it goes in, like, order?
[students laughing, chattering]
Every time you finish one,
ifthat happens...
-[boys laughing]
-[girl scoffing] Yeah.
...you come back here
to get the next envelope.
The rules say you've gotta
be done by the start
of the homecoming rally,
tomorrow morning, nine o'clock,
which gives you...
[laughs] 12 hours.
[students exclaiming]
Okay! Here we go!
[Dan chuckles]
It's an easy one, for starters.
All you have to do is drink
a beer in front of a cop.
-[laughing]
-[students chattering]
[inaudible chatter]
Looks like Dill's right inside.
[laughing]
Here's a cold one.
That means
he's gotta see you do it.
That means
he's watching you drink it.
-That means,
while you're drinking, he's--
-Yeah, I, I, I got it.
-[liquid splashes]
-[student] What's he doing?
-[spritzes]
-Card doesn't say
what I have to drink it out of.
Just says "beer."
-He's right. [chuckles]
-[Zach chuckles] There you go.
This Bud's for you, asshole.
[slurps]
[students chattering]
-Evening, Officer Dill.
-[man] No.
Harper, what the hell's goin' on
out there?
Oh, you know, kids.
Friday night. Nothin' to do.
Yeah, well, they better not be
up to any of that Deeds crap.
'Cause tonight, me and Bevins
aren't letting anybody slide
on anything. All right?
-Anything to drink, Officer?
-Yeah, I'll have one of those.
[Zach gulping]
-[burping]
-[cup cracks]
Damn, that is a good
cup of coffee. [smacks lips]
Well, you have
a good night, officers.
Glad to know the town's safe
thanks to you.
That douchebag.
-What you gonna do?
-What you gonna do?
-Are you gonna get in?
-Yeah, what you gonna do?
I hope these things get harder.
Second Deed.
You've got to... [chuckles]
punch the toughest kid in town.
Gee, I guess
it's up to me to decide
who the toughest kid is.
-Don't worry,
I'm not gonna choose myself.
-That's disappointing.
I know. What about JD Riplock?
-[student laughs]
-You know him, don't ya?
Guns for biceps.
Genuine psycho badass.
[laughing]
He did a stretch in juvie
for putting a kid's head
through a blackboard.
Hey, y-- you all right, Ricky?
[grunts softly]
-[sighs]
-Go get him, slugger.
[laughter]
-[Biggs] Good luck, Harper.
-[engine starts]
-Nice knowin' ya!
-[students chattering]
-So, what you gonna do?
-What you gonna do?
-Are you gonna get in?
-Yeah, what you gonna do?
Are you gonna ride, baby?
-Yeah, yeah
-Baby, what you gonna do?
-Yeah, what you gonna do?
-Are you gonna get out?
-Yeah, what you gonna do?
-Then you gotta--
Riplock? He's a-- He's like...
[grunts] He's a psychopath.
-That guy's like a beast--
-Beast D! Bobby D.
-Yes, sir?
-Hey, what's the "D" stand for?
-Uh... [grunts]
-Sorry 'bout that.
Uh, it stands for "De Sanchez."
No, it stands for "Douche,"
but we can change that.
See, all you gotta do
to change that is help me
with a little problem.
As you guys all know,
Harper's doing the Deeds
tonight, right?
-Yeah.
-Yeah. And there's
a little tradition
that goes along with that.
All-night rager
at a freshman's house.
-[chuckles]
-That's funny. That's good.
And Bobby Douche...
...I heard your parents
are away for the weekend.
Uh, well, yeah,
they are, but, uh,
but they said
I can't have anyone over,
unless it's to study,
-so--
-Yeah, he's not lying.
I heard them say it.
I understand that. We're gonna
do a lot of studying.
-Calculus, geometry, anatomy.
-[exhales]
-Right.
-[laughs] Yeah,
congratulations, Bobby!
-Right.
-[Biggs] All right.
[sighs] Thanks.
-[metal music]
-[student] Whoa. Whoa.
-[grunts]
-[student] Yeah, man!
-[groans]
-[student exclaims excitedly]
[grunts]
-[grunting]
-[indistinct chatter]
Yeah! Who's next, huh?
Who's next?
[exhales sharply]
-[upbeat rock music]
-[cheering]
-Do you really think
this is gonna work?
-No, but what choice do I got?
-Nice place.
-Yeah, thanks, man.
-[cat yowls]
-[object clatters]
Oh, that can't be good.
Oh. Yeah, I, I,
I better go do something.
Go, do something!
Smile.
[indistinct chatter]
-[student 1]
Get him! You get him!
-[student 2] Come on.
-[student 3] Come on.
-[student 2] Whoa!
-[student 4] Get him.
You get him.
-[groans]
-[student 1] Yeah, you got it.
There you go.
-[groans]
[student 4]
Mess him up! Come on!
-[student 1] Yeah.
-[student 5] Come on.
[groans]
[rock music continues]
[indistinct chatter]
Are you lost, Harper?
-[punch lands]
-[loud thud]
-[rock music continues]
-[indistinct chatter]
[car engine starts, revs]
-[indistinct shouting]
-[tires screeching]
-Blood. Cool. [chuckles]
-He was just here.
Just drove off.
Now I'm gonna find out
what his tastes like.
[laughs, spits]
[rock music playing]
Hey, make sure
you put that back.
-[girl giggling]
-Hey, what do you--
-[groans]
-Hey.
Damn it! Two Deeds for Harper!
[all cheering]
-[mouthing] What?
-If I were you, dude,
I'd get as loaded
as humanly possible tonight.
[all chanting]
Two! Two! Two! Two! Two! Two!
-Two! Two! Two! Two!
-Two! Two!
[upbeat rock music]
[indistinct chatter]
Well, you've got balls, Harper.
I'll give you that.
And, gee, it turns out
you're gonna need 'em
to do the third Deed.
[sighs] What?
That's my favorite one yet.
I'd hurry if I was you.
Supermarket closes
in 20 minutes.
[laughs]
-[car revs]
-[beeps]
-[dialing]
-Yo, Biggs.
Yo. So, what's the third one,
my friend?
He's going to the market...
[continues inaudibly]
[chuckles]
Okay, yeah, seriously.
[dog barks in the distance]
[faint music over speakers]
-[hard rock music]
-[vehicle approaching]
[tires screeching]
[rock music playing
over car radio]
You guys seen Harper?
I need to give him something.
[chuckles]
[all laughing]
[hip-hop music playing]
That's what he's gotta do?
-That's, like, so gross.
-Not really.
Everybody, please be careful.
There's lots
of breakable stuff here.
-[object crashes, breaks]
-Now there's one less.
[slow rock music playing]
Desperate and cool
I'm down with you, honey
Post folks some news
and spend all the money...
[singsong] He's gonna die.
I'm gonna kill him.
He's gonna die.
[unzips fly]
I will lift you up
-And never bring you down
-[tires screech]
[horn honks]
[honks] Come on!
-Hey, move it!
-[BJ moans]
[honks] Come on!
Let's go! Move it!
-What is this?
-[BJ moans]
I'll love you forever.
Oh! You will kiss
my "scrunchie," BJ! [honking]
-I don't hear anything.
-[cars honking]
-I'm gonna kill you!
-[honking continues]
-I heard that.
-[tires screech]
-Oh, God! Oh!
-[glass shatters]
Oh, my car. My car.
[chuckles]
[JD] As soon as I get done
with Harper, I'm coming
after you, BJ!
[moaning]
-[JD] Enjoy that girl, BJ!
She's your last!
-[moaning]
????
[exhales]
[lighter clicks]
[mumbles] Jesus Christ.
Daddy's coming home!
Oh, when I'm done with you,
I'm gonna make your ass
look like a fig!
Look like a fig!
[ambient music playing]
[guard clears throat]
You see a lot of things
in this job...
...but I never thought
I'd see anyone trying
the Dirty Deeds again.
That is what
you're doing, right?
Absolutely, sir.
[chuckles nervously]
Rock on, son!
This is whole wheat, right?
-Right?
-Right.
[exhales]
[scanner beeping]
Oh, hey, man, my bad.
Here's your whole wheat.
This one's sourdough.
-[sniffs] Hmm.
-[scanner beeps]
Out of my way, Harper.
Hey, Mr. Fuchs.
You have yourself
a good night now.
[chanting] Two! Two!
Two! Two! Two! Two! Two!
Two! Two! Two! Two! Two!
-Three!
-[all cheering]
[dog barking in the distance]
[horn blares in the distance]
[engine starts, revs]
[indistinct
police radio chatter]
So, we got you for speeding,
driving an unregistered vehicle,
and being a douchebag
after midnight.
Son, we got to sort all this out
down at the station house.
[grunts in frustration]
Feelin' kind of stupid
about now, aren't you?
-[loud hip-hop music playing]
-Could you put that down?
Feet off the table.
Off the table. Thanks.
-[indistinct shouting]
-This stuff is expensive.
Be careful.
-Oh, sorry, dude.
-Yeah, thanks a lot.
[laughter]
Oh, Paul, rewind.
I gotta see that again.
[clattering]
[both laughing]
[cheering, applauding]
Clerk from the market says
you made a loaf of bread
very happy.
Oh, a gentleman never tells.
-[laughing]
-Hey, cool it, girls.
This asshole's got work to do.
Number four.
You've got to drag
that big-ass leprechaun
from Lucky's used car lot,
all the way to the high school.
-In one piece.
-[crowd] Oh.
Why are you sweating, Dan?
I'm the one doing all the work.
-[scoffs]
-[students chattering]
I'm not sweating.
Yo, where's my marker?
My marker!
It's not so bad, dude.
Oh, yeah.
-For me.
-My life is over.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm breaking up with you, Brian,
because you don't have any guts.
You know who has guts?
The guy hosting this party.
Whoever he is! [grunts]
Alison! I heard
you broke up with Brian.
-You know, he was never
good enough for you.
-[both chuckle]
Bree? You can let go now.
-Oh. Right. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]
Dude. Dude, did you hear that?
Go get her!
Go, go! Go, go, go!
[exhales]
[rock music]
[thuds, clanks]
[engine starts]
[chain rattling]
Ha!
[hissing]
-Oh, son of a--
-[thuds]
-[indistinct]
-[narrator on TV]
After being named
Chancellor in 1933,
Adolf Hitler went after power
like a man possessed.
No man or no thing
was able to stand in the way.
Try a school board, my friend.
-[crickets chirping]
-[dogs barking in the distance]
Thought it would be easy, huh?
You're supposed to be home.
I'm supposed
to be doing the Deeds,
but I got blocked by a senior
trying to show off.
You know what, Kyle?
I've got it under control.
[chuckles] Obviously.
[yelling, grunting] Why? Why?
[grunting, panting]
Kicking the balloon's
not gonna help.
Oh, you, you got a better idea?
Maybe I do.
-[TV playing]
-Oh, yeah. [snickers]
[knife clatters]
-Oh.
-[Hitler speaking German on TV]
[Kyle panting]
There.
-Ready?
-[panting] Yeah.
-[Hitler continues in German]
-[bombs exploding]
That's the way it's done.
[clears throat]
[Hitler continues speaking]
[coughs]
[loud hip-hop music playing]
-Hey!
-Hey!
-You find her?
-No.
Look harder!
-God, this is such a cool night!
-I know!
We switch the sprinklers on
without water flow,
hot air pours out of the heads.
The balloon inflates
and goes airborne.
Or not.
Since I have no other options,
I love it.
[sighs heavily]
[rap music]
How long we give him, Laws?
I don't know.
I say we give him
till about, uh... now.
Hey, listen up, everybody!
Listen up. We got another loser.
All right,
as your class president,
yeah, I tried
to give you a kick-ass
Homecoming Weekend.
-But, unfortunately,
Harper has ruined it.
-[boy 1] Hey, look, he did it!
-[Dan] But--
-[laughs]
[boy 2]
Oh, my...
[students applauding, laughing]
I wouldn't be making
any more speeches for a while.
Whatever. Yo, Harper's luck
is not gonna last.
Now will you go home?
Okay.
Look, I would have been screwed
if you didn't show up tonight.
[car approaching]
-Same here.
-[chuckling] Yeah.
I knew I'd find you here, Kyle.
Get in the car.
But I'm helping Zach
do the Deeds.
Look, we got the leprechaun up.
Look, he just showed up.
Yeah. And now he's going home.
[Zach]
He was just helping me out.
Don't be mad at him.
I'm not mad at him.
[car door opens]
You know, Zach, I always
thought you were different.
You were smarter than Lawton
and his macho crowd.
You cared about other things.
Just do
what you have to do, but...
...at least be careful.
[sighs]
[rock music playing]
-Four!
-[cheering]
[students whooping, whistling]
And, baby, I've been down
for 25 weeks
Give me an answer
and I won't take no
You tell me that you want me
'cause I want you so
Hey, now, oh, now
Come on, come on over now
I wanna get
get sentimental
Hey, now, oh, now...
Hi.
So, you having a good time?
Are you talking to me?
[chuckles nervously]
I-- I'm Bobby De Sanchez.
Your host?
Bobby! Hi! [chuckles]
[people screaming excitedly]
Oh, sorry that took so long.
Were you guys worried?
A little.
I was.
You're not even
halfway there yet.
-Don't get cocky, Harper.
-[smacks lips] You're the boss.
For now.
[rock music]
[male student 1]
What is it?
[female student]
Hey, Harper, that's hot.
[students shouting indistinctly]
-Hey.
-Hey, Stash. I thought
you were at the party.
Yeah, well, I need
another pain pill.
It's been six hours.
-It's been two hours.
-Anyways. There's a lot
of kids drinking.
You know, I couldn't be
a part of that. I'm trying
to clean up my act.
You want to help me
steal a dead body?
Ah, cool.
[revving]
Steal a dead body
and put it in the middle
of the school!
[cheering]
[ambient music playing]
Evening, Mr. Rasdale.
How are things
down at the lodge?
Quiet, Jos. What's it to you?
[chuckles] My name is Ryan, sir.
Did you want your usual?
How do you know
what my usual is?
Because you come in every night
before your shift, sir.
Don't get smart with me, Luis.
It's Homecoming Weekend.
Dirty Deeds time.
Sir...
Deeds got me once, years ago.
That's not gonna happen again.
So spread the word.
-You tell any of your hombres...
-[choking] Mm.
...that if they're
even thinking,
even thinkingabout the Deeds,
Vic Rasdale is waiting for them.
Still want your coffee, sir?
What, something
you can spit into?
You'd like that,
wouldn't ya, Miguel?
Very much, sir.
[dogs barking in the distance]
[scoffs] A Newton Imperial.
[chuckles] That's about
as hard to pick as my ass.
[softly] Do you talk this loud
when you pick your ass?
It's the same lock they have
on most doctors' offices.
Not that I've ever broken into
any of them to steal drugs
-back when I was using.
-That's a load off my mind.
-[clanks]
-[whimsical music]
[exhales] "Evelyn Easterbrook.
Loving wife,
mother and grandmother.
-Service Thursday."
-[both] No.
-Anything?
-"Jerry Noblock. Friend to all.
No flowers. Make donations
to boys' athletic club."
Nice guy.
Who we got?
[Stash sighs]
"John Doe. Found in park.
No relatives.
No service scheduled."
-He's got nobody.
-[chuckles]
-He's got us.
-[chuckles]
So, I figured a big night,
like someone trying the Deeds,
-I'll throw a big party.
-[chuckles]
Hey, you guys got everything
you need? [clicks tongue]
All right! Yeah!
Then I just told my parents
to clear out.
[gasps, moans]
-[Zach] Come on, come on!
Hurry! Hurry!
-[grunts]
Careful, careful, careful!
The door!
-Oh! Would you move?
-Hey, man. Sue me!
-[grunts]
-I'm stuck. I'm stuck.
We've got
a good thing going on
B-- b-- baby...
Are you buckled, John?
This guy's a maniac.
[both laugh]
[upbeat music]
Hey, let me know
if that's too much air.
-He's good.
-Yeah.
-I told you to wrap it tighter.
-And I ignored you.
-[police siren blares]
-[groans loudly]
-Shit.
-[Dill over speaker]
Pull the car over!
Get in back.
Cover him up, quick!
[dispatch on radio]
Report of a possible break-in,
Swan Point funeral home...
-Oh, shit.
-[chuckles nervously]
-Harper, Harper, Harper.
-[Zach] Sir.
You know why I stopped you?
Fighting real crime
is hard. Sir.
Wrong, 'cause 30 miles an hour
does not mean 38.
I'm sorry, Officer.
Who the hell is that back there?
Well, that's Stash
and his uncle.
[chuckles nervously]
He's had a rough night.
No shit.
Officer Dill, I'm just trying
to get the guy home.
He's really just dead... drunk.
I can see that.
All right, I'm gonna
let you slide this time.
Thank you. [laughing]
Thank. Thank you.
[Dill]
One more thing.
And, Harper,
your vehicle registration
expires at the end
of the-- [groans in disgust]
I mean, that is just wrong
on so many levels.
Tell me about it.
-Get them the hell out of here!
-[engine starts]
There are a lot of sick people
in this world.
[both chuckle]
Now, how very cool is that?
-[phone beeps]
-[Biggs] Five!
Bobby.
Yeah, I'm here.
-You wanna go upstairs?
-Mm.
[rock music playing]
I don't wanna move, ever.
But aren't there
bedrooms upstairs?
Ooh. [exhales]
I-- I'm, I'm sure there are.
-Can you get me a drink first?
-Oh, yeah, sure.
[exhales]
-How's it going?
-Unbelievable!
I may be dead tomorrow,
but I'm gonna die a man!
-She's so hot!
-Oh.
-[music stops]
-[students chattering]
[chanting]
Zach! Zach! Zach!
Zach! Zach! Zach! Zach!
Six.
We don't talk as much
as we used to, Dan, do we?
Just do the damn Deed.
"Bring back
a homecoming queen's bra.
Signed."
[students]
Ooh!
Hey, Jen.
-Oh. Yeah, right.
-[laughter]
[chanting]
Zach! Zach! Zach!
Zach! Zach! Zach! Zach!
-Zach! Zach!
Zach! Zach! Zach!
-[chanting fades]
-[dog barking in the distance]
-[whimsical music]
[doorbell rings]
-[man] What is it?
-Uh, is, is Amy home, sir?
[man]
Who the hell are you?
Zach Harper.
Are, are you Amy's dad?
No, I'm her big brother.
I can see that.
Is she home? I just need
to get a bra from her.
But she doesn't
have to be wearing it.
You know what, kid?
Why don't you
come back tomorrow,
-when it's light out?
-Okay.
That way, when I swing at you...
[shouts] I won't miss!
You got it.
-[phone rings]
-Hello.
Hello, Mrs. Moskowitz.
Uh, Zach Harper.
I was two years behind Leah
in high school.
Oh, yes, Zach.
Who could forget you?
Is everything all right, honey?
What's going on?
Well, I think you're gonna get
kind of a kick out of this.
Um, I was wondering
if I could swing by,
pick up some of her underwear.
[exclaims in disgust]
-[line disconnects]
-Hello?
[phone rings]
-Yes?
-Jennifer, hey,
it's Zach Harper.
Zach, it's late.
I think you're gonna get
kind of a kick out of this.
-I need one of your bra--
-[scoffs]
[man]
What was that about?
[hip-hop music]
[sighs heavily]
-[cell phone rings]
-Yeah?
[male voice]
You looking
for a homecoming queen?
-Who is this?
-Someone who wants
to see you take Lawton down.
Someone who knows
where you can find
what you're looking for.
I'm listening.
Vicky Crabbe.
Queen from five years ago.
She's got an apartment
at 47 Grandview,
downtown, across the street
from the Excelsior Hotel.
She's home now.
Grandview. Got it.
[laughs]
-[Zach] I'd been had,
set up and knocked over.
-[police siren blaring]
Five Deeds down,
five more to go,
and it looked like the night
was coming to an abrupt ending.
You know, it's amazing
how the best ideas come
at the most desperate times.
'Cause I had to piss
like it was nobody's business.
[chuckles]
It's a good thing
the Excelsior Hotel
was across the street.
[laughing]
[gentle piano music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Can I use your men's room?
Bathroom's for customers.
Okay, then I'll take a beer.
[scoffs]
Maybe in a couple of years.
-Make it a Coke.
-$6.50.
Am I a customer now?
Men's room's on your right, sir.
So, kid, what's her name?
What?
The girl that put
that nasty look on your face.
What's her name?
What do you mean?
You're a mess.
What did she do to you?
-[both laugh]
-Uh...
Look, this has nothing
to do with a girl, okay?
Okay, a little bit.
Okay, fine, a lot. Like, 80%.
-There you go.
-Now, here's the deal.
I'm doing
this high school... uh, thing.
-Mm-hm.
-Mostly so that her brother
won't have to.
But the real reason is...
...she's great.
Pretty, smart,
not into the games
that everyone else is.
And she probably has
no idea how you feel.
-[chuckles]
-Hey, it's her loss.
[laughs]
Are, are you... trying to...
What, pick you up?
No. No, no, no. No, no. [scoffs]
-Are you?
-[laughs] No.
No, I'm just--
Let's, let's stick
to what's really bothering you.
Talking,
talking helps, you know.
Nothing's gonna help now,
unless you were
a homecoming queen
at West Valley. [clicks tongue]
Rachel Buff, sir, class of '99,
homecoming theme,
"Reach for the stars."
-[chuckling] Are you kidding me?
-Nope.
My mom still has my tiara
on the piano.
So, what can I do for you?
Oh! Actually,
I think you might get
kind of a kick out of this.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Hey. You mind
helping me with the clasp?
Uh, that would be, uh... Sure.
Sure, I can do that.
-Ooh! [chuckles]
Your hands are cold!
-Sorry.
-So, tell me,
what number Deed is this?
-Six.
-Six?
-Yeah.
Oh, my God. You're closing in
on Duncan Rime.
You're a stud!
Ah. Mm.
[groans] There you go. Mm.
You're the greatest person
I have ever met. Thank you.
[chuckles] Do you have a pen?
Girlfriend, girlfriend
falling off the deep end
Girlfriend, girlfriend...
Hey, did you find her yet?
-No.
-Okay, keep looking.
Hey, Alison?
[rock music playing]
How do I know this is legit?
-Well, I got her
on picture phone too.
-[beeps]
Hey, everybody,
it's Rachel Buff.
Don't stay up too late,
and I'll see you tomorrow
at homecoming.
Better be there. Go, Vikings!
Oh, there's more.
-Up yours, Danny boy.
-[laughs]
[crowd exclaiming, chattering]
Whatever.
Here you go.
Lucky number seven.
[Dan]
It's never gonna happen, Harper.
You've been right so far, Dan.
[flat tire thumping]
[engine stops]
[crickets chirping]
[groaning] Shit.
[air hissing]
Oh, God.
Those assholes.
Son of a bitch!
[sighs heavily]
[rock music]
Alison! I've been looking
all over for you.
Aw. Sorry, Bobby,
I had to pee, and the line
was, like, a mile long.
So, so, where were we?
I was about to go upstairs
with the guy with real guts.
[Biggs]
Hey, man, you should have seen
this little pissant
when we told him
he had to throw this rager.
I thought he'd shit himself.
[laughs] Right, douche?
Douche, douche, douche!
[laughing]
Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold--
[crickets chirping]
[sighs]
Kyle can't come out and play.
Just go away.
I-- Look, Meg.
Can I borrow your car?
-Are you serious?
-Yeah. Lawton's goons
slashed my tires.
Oh, wow. You know,
you don't expect that
from goons.
I, I need to get
to the Patriot Lodge.
That's the Deed?
And kinda borrow
the night watchman's leg?
[chuckles nervously]
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I mean, as long
as it's for a good cause.
Meg, look, nothing will happen
to your car.
Look, you can't have my car.
[inhales] Meg...
...I've got nobody else
to go to. Please.
[sighs]
Stash's lock-picking tools.
-I'll be right back.
-Zach...
Look, you told me
your folks are out of town
and you're worried that
Kyle's gonna sneak out again.
I'll be as quick as I can.
No, I, I was actually
gonna say good luck.
[sighs] Look, I know I can get
too serious sometimes.
It's okay.
Baby, look at me
We're gonna be okay...
Even though right now...
You know, you'd better go.
[softly] Right. Right.
Baby, we're both right
Baby, it don't really matter
[man snoring]
[whimsical music]
Mm.
[giggles]
[snoring]
-[shatters]
-[Zach] Shit.
Mm?
[gun cocks]
Now, this is
a private club, son.
And we don't cotton
to a lot of things here.
Integration,
breakin' and enterin'.
Now, I suggest you show yourself
with three things up in the air.
Your hands and my leg!
[tense music]
Otherwise Vic Rasdale
is gonna be fillin'
this fine antique with buckshot.
And your ass will be hangin'
on our trophy wall.
Now, I am gonna count to 50.
-Forty-eight, 49--
-[knocking]
[amusing sultry music]
[muted]
[mouthing] Yes, you.
[grunts]
-[yelps]
-[gunshot]
[glass breaks]
-[chuckles]
-[keys jangling]
-You saved me!
-Yeah, you can thank me later.
-Okay, let's get you home.
-No. No, no.
You, you have three more Deeds.
No, look, you can, uh,
just take my car. [pants]
-What?
-Yeah.
I can't believe
you're doing this.
I can't believe
I just flashed Rasdale.
-Go. Go, go, go, go.
-Yeah, thanks.
A couple of punks got my leg!
[sighs]
I only saw the girl...
...but I got a real good look
at her, all right.
[giggles softly] Huh?
You mean, describe her face?
Well, I can't!
[keys jingle]
-[grunts]
-[groans]
Ow!
Oh, hey, Dan. I bet you're
wondering how much you owe me
-for the flat tires.
-Here's Deed number eight.
Uh-oh. Here comes
Deed number two,
just catching up with you.
-That spare leg
should come in handy.
-[Zach] Shit.
[chuckles]
This is gonna hurt a little.
[grunts, laughs]
[rock music]
-[Mullet] Hey, asshole.
-[Zach groans]
-[Mullet grunting]
-[boys groaning]
-Get the hell on out of here!
-[coughing]
-Oh, hey, Mullet?
-Hey.
-You okay, man?
-Yeah.
Yeah, man. Thanks. Thanks.
Maybe you ought to think about
bailing on this Deeds thing.
Why? Right when it's starting
to get fun? [laughs]
Ouch.
Thanks.
-Leg is stolen!
-Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[rock music]
[yells excitedly]
Look at you
You're so tough
In my face, playing rough
I've had just about enough
[song fades]
[indistinct chatter]
[upbeat music]
No.
[scoffs]
It's not a threat.
But you tell him
it's a favor for me.
I don't want to have to
call him myself.
Yeah. Hang on.
There's an extra ten bucks
for you, kid.
You bring her back cherry.
Uh-huh. Yeah, very good.
[exhales]
[engine starts]
[tires screech]
Come on, Alison,
I was desperate,
certain that death
was staring me
right in the face.
-I didn't think
I'd live through another day!
-Look!
Do you wanna whine
or do you wanna go upstairs?
Hey, a freshman
hitting on a senior?
That's pretty gutsy.
-[tires squeal]
-[worker] Back it up.
-You have to back it up.
-Oh, God.
Some shortcut.
[tires screech]
-[distant chatter]
-Kyle?
Kyle, you awake?
What's going on?
You deal this time, Kyle.
We're just playing for pennies.
It's a nice, friendly game,
for now.
-Who are you?
-I'm the last man in the world
you wanna piss off.
You see, your boyfriend
stole my Ferrari.
Dumbass left your crap-box car
at the club.
A cop I own ran the plates,
and guess what? Here I am.
Look, Kyle has nothing
to do with this, okay?
Kyle has everything
to do with this,
because if I don't get
my vehicle back very soon,
me and Home Alone are gonna play
for bigger stakes.
[crickets chirping]
[tires screech]
[students cheering, applauding]
[hip-hop music]
Lawton, where did you get
that piece of shit car?
I'll bet you're surprised
to see me right now.
Thought a little beat down
might make me quit?
What? What did you do?
Oh, he tried to throw me
to the animals at the zoo.
That's bullshit, Dan,
and you know it.
Doesn't even matter anymore,
because I tossed
the last two envelopes,
when I figured
he wasn't coming back.
Well, I'm glad
I picked them up, then.
[female student]
Yeah. Go, girl.
What's it say?
"Find Duncan Rime"?
[chuckles]
Yep, that's what it says.
There's no way
that that is a Deed.
Hey, I don't write
the Deeds, Harper.
I'm just gonna enjoy the fact
that you're gonna choke
on this one.
[mimics choking, laughs]
Oh, it's a tough spot, Harper,
and my heart goes out to you.
I mean, you must be saying,
"How do I find a guy
who doesn't even exist anymore?"
[both laughing]
[Mullet]
Over here.
[somber music]
I'm Duncan Rime.
-[female student] What?
-What?
The picture's a little old,
but it's me.
I don't believe this shit.
What happened to you?
Long story.
It started way back.
Senior year in high school.
You should have seen me.
[somber music continues]
I had the best car,
hottest girl.
But I figured
doing the one thing
nobody'd ever done
would be the perfect capper.
You did all ten Dirty Deeds.
No, in my day,
there were only eight Deeds.
See, the rules say
you gotta add to the list
if somebody gets through 'em.
-Why?
-[Duncan] No reason.
No reason for any of this.
But I didn't get that until
I was out in the real world.
Then I realized
just how miserable I'd been
all through high school.
It's just playing
some bullshit game,
pretending I was cool.
If you keep playing
by their rules,
-they're always gonna beat ya.
-[female students] Right.
[Duncan]
Even when you think you've won.
What the hell are you doing?
[students chattering]
[sighs]
Give me the last Deed.
[Zach inhales]
This is a waste of time,
and you are a waste of skin.
-[female student] Oh, yeah!
-Do it.
[students whooping, applauding]
[sirens approaching]
[Zach]
Oh, shit.
-You're under arrest, Harper!
-For what?
-For doing the Dirty Deeds!
-That's not a charge!
Yeah? How about
grand theft auto?
[Mr. Scarno]
Kid didn't steal anything.
Yeah? Well, that's not
what my report said.
Yeah, well, the report you got
can eat me, all right?
It's my car,
and I lent it to the kid.
And I'm just gonna assume
that you don't have
a problem with that.
Mr. Scarno.
Well, good evening, sir.
You know, I don't think
an exchange of paperwork
is in our best interest.
What is in our best interest
is for you to let the boy go
and, and I go on my merry way.
Does that sound good?
Well, I-- Yeah, I--
He can...
Just...
Good night, Officer Dill.
[all]
Doh!
Don't worry. Nothing's gonna
happen to your boyfriend.
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
He almost got my brother killed.
What?
[chuckles] Yeah, you know,
you almost did. Let's go.
[rock music]
[blows]
[grunts]
[chuckles] Yeah.
-[thuds]
-Whoa.
[panting]
-Whoo! Whoo!
-Bobby?
Are you coming?
Oh. Nearly!
Oh. [panting]
[Bobby exhales]
Okay. [exhaling]
-[knock on door]
-Come in.
I'm ready.
[Bree]
Me too.
Bree! I'm kind of busy here.
Well, I'm worried about you.
You really shouldn't be alone
right now.
-I'm not. [chuckles]
-Are you ready for Bobby?
Two?
[both laugh]
Two!
Two!
Oh, yeah. Oh!
Thank you!
Oh. [exhales]
The, the parents are home!
-Two!
-The parents!
Oh! We need to get out of here!
-[giggles]
-[chuckles]
I'm ready.
Yeah, you are.
I'm not.
-Come on!
-[rock music]
Everyone, get out!
Everybody, out!
[male student 1]
Let's go!
-Who are you kids?
-[male student 2] Move!
Move away! Now!
[Mr. Seaver]
What is this?
-[giggles]
-[gasps]
I got what the place
used to look like,
-for the insurance company.
-Oh, my God.
Robert.
What are you doing in our house?
[exhales] Hi. Oh. [zips fly]
Mr. and Mrs. Seaver, hi.
I, uh--
I was just leaving. Whoo.
-[gasps]
-[Mr. Seaver] I'm calling
his mother right now.
This could work.
[faint rock music]
Thanks, Millie.
-[man 1] Pickup!
-[man 2] Pickup!
You know, I used
to boost a lot of cars
when I was coming up,
but I never did your valet bit.
That was smart...
-...when you don't leave
a car behind.
-My first day. [chuckles]
So, you did all this
just to get that dickwad
in a Beemer
-to stop picking
on her brother?
-Mm-hm.
I can see why you'd want
to get on her good side.
I gotta tell you,
I'm very impressed.
What are you, 17?
Eighteen.
I killed three men
by the time I was 18.
Legally, in Vietnam.
I signed up
to get away from my father.
You see, my father
was an asshole.
He did teach me
one thing, though.
That I didn't need him.
And that's an important lesson
to learn,
because when you depend
on people, they disappoint you.
So, you gotta step up yourself,
like you did tonight.
Hell, it took me until I was 20
and sitting in a jungle.
-What did you do?
-We had this lieutenant who was
determined to get us all killed.
So, I got him sent home.
-How?
-I kicked the shit out of him.
[chuckles]
[rock music]
This better be good.
I told my mom
I'd be home by now.
I'll write you a note.
[chuckles]
[Dan chuckling]
[JD chuckles]
Pop the damn leprechaun!
Just get it off
my football field!
Where is Maintenance?
Dealing with what dead body?
Damn those IABs.
So, Zachary, this is my card.
You ever need anything,
call that number.
[Jen]
Zach!
Look, Zachary,
it's dickwad's little girly.
Lawton gave the tenth Deed
to Riplock.
-So?
-So he's gonna ruin
the homecoming carnival.
-That's what the tenth Deed
said to do.
-Look, I am way past caring.
You're gonna get blamed.
The cops know you were the one
doing the Dirty Deeds.
How do I know your boyfriend
didn't put you up to this?
He's not my boyfriend anymore.
Look, Riplock said
he's gonna pack the stage
with fireworks
and scare the hell
out of everybody.
So, a bunch of people
get scared. So what?
These are M-80s.
Zach, something
could catch fire.
People could panic.
And Meg's on that stage.
Head of the honor society.
Remember?
-What time is it?
-8:30.
-It starts at 9:00.
-Where is this thing?
-The football field
at the school.
-You should get going.
-It's gonna be close.
-Here, take the car.
-Who, me?
-Well, you don't mind
stealing it
-when I flip you the keys.
-What about you?
I got something to do. Go on.
[car engine starts]
[tires screech]
[dialing]
Yeah, who's working today?
[accelerating]
Italian quick gangmafioso
-Toasted account
just like Sammy Sosa
-Sammy Sosa...
[engine starts, revs]
[indistinct chatter]
[man 1]
Put it on the ground.
-Whoa, whoa. That's good.
Tie it over there.
-[man 2] Yeah.
That's it!
Move it back three feet!
-[man 3] I got to set up
the tent.
-[man 2] Let's go.
[man 3]
That's it.
[men continue indistinctly]
-[upbeat rock music]
-[tires screech]
-[beeping]
-[yells]
-[percussive band music]
-[indistinct chatter]
-I'm gonna go look for Zach.
-Okay.
Thank you for being so prompt,
Miss Cummings.
Let's get this show on the road.
Instruments up.
Ready? Let's play, people.
Hey, Stash, have you seen Zach?
Hey, I'm looking for him too.
He's got my pain pills.
Hey, pal, what part
of 30 miles an hour
didn't you understand?
[car accelerating]
We got Harper!
I've got him.
Come on!
-All right, may I have
your attention, please?
-[booing]
[coughs, gags]
Yes. We have a long program
to get through, people.
[police siren blaring]
Our, uh, presentations
this morning will be given out
by Miss Rachel Buff.
-Yeah.
-[all cheer]
Who is not quite here yet.
[crowd booing]
-[tires screeching]
-[police siren blaring]
[Zach]
Meg!
Get off the stage!
Meg, get off the stage!
It's gonna blow up!
Get off the stage!
[Fuchs]
People, people, just stay calm.
-Ignore this--
-Get off the stage, Fucks!
-Oh, I got you, Harper!
-No, Officer Dill, look!
No! You look!
You're under arrest!
[handcuffs clicking shut]
[explosions]
[students screaming]
Oh, my God!
[strained groaning]
Holy shit!
-Bevins, stay with Harper!
-[Meg] Zach...
God, he's such a dildo!
Go on, get out of here.
Get out of here.
-Let's go.
-[chuckles] Come on.
-Homie's truck blew up, man!
-[cell phone rings]
Mom?
Yeah.
[voice breaking]
My truck just blew up.
I don't know.
No! Don't yell at me!
Harper, what the hell is this?
Pretty damn cool.
And, Mr. Fuchs,
It's All Bullshit.
IAB? "It's All Bullshit."
Just thought
you might wanna know.
[chuckles]
[laughs] Oh, Paul,
tell me you've got that.
I got that. The IAB sees all.
This is gonna get me
into film school, for sure.
-[laughs]
-So cool.
So, Zachary,
my boys do nice work, huh?
Yeah, they do.
-Thanks.
-[keys jangle]
Thanks for everything.
-We gotta run.
-[Mr. Scarno] Hey, kid...
...there's an extra ten
in it for you
if you bring her back cherry.
[male student 1]
BJ! You a bad boy!
Seven years,
and I've never missed
a homecoming.
And I never will.
-[BJ moaning]
-[soft music]
Mm. I'll love you forever.
[male student 2]
Double-header for BJ!
I feel ya, dawg! I feel ya!
Yes, yes,
at West Valley High School.
There has been an explosion.
The main field.
-[laughs]
-Excuse...
-You.
-Lieutenant. You remember.
That is so sweet.
You...
You, you, you... [yelps]
[laughs]
[upbeat pop music]
So, still mad at me?
Furious. Can't you tell?
-[laughs]
-[engine starts]
[tires screech]
Bevins, get over here!
Give me a hand!
[shouting indistinctly]
[shouting]
Who's that douchebag who got us
this fire extinguisher? Bevins!
[shouting indistinctly]
[Zach]
Well, there you have it,
my page
in the Dirty Deeds ledger.
-[muted]
-You might ask what's to gain
-from any of this.
-[laughing]
Do I need to say any more?
["Almost" by Bowling For Soup]
I almost got drunk
at school at 14
Where I almost made out
with the homecoming queen
Who almost went on
to be Miss Texas
But lost to a slut
with much bigger breastes
I almost dropped out
to move to LA
Where I was almost famous
for almost a day
And I almost had you
But I guess
that doesn't cut it
Almost loved you
I almost wish
you would've loved me too
I almost held up
a grocery store
Where I almost
did five years
and then seven more
'Cause I almost got popped
for a fight with a thug
'Cause he almost made off
with a bunch of the drugs
That I almost got hooked on
'cause you ran away
And I wish I would've had
the nerve to ask you to stay
And I almost had you
But I guess
that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it
You kept me guessing
and now I'm destined
To spend my time missing you
I almost wish
you would've loved me too
Here I go thinking
about all the things
I could've done
I'm gonna need a forklift
'cause all the baggage
weighs a ton
-Baggage weighs a ton
-I know we had our problems
I can't remember one
I almost forgot
to say something else
And if I can't fit it in
I'll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song
about you today
But I tore it all up
and then I threw it away
And I almost had you
But I guess
that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it
You kept me guessing
and now I'm destined
To spend my time missing you
And I almost had you
Almost had you
Almost had you
I almost wish
you would've loved me too
Wish you would've
loved me too
[song ends]
["I'll Get Away With This"
by Superjerk]
I got a secret I can't keep
I just committed
another Dirty Deed
I still got lots more
I got to do
Didn't wind up in jail
or face down
in a swimming pool
-Too wrong, being pointed
and told what I have to do
-What I have to do
Humiliate their reputation
Desecrate their rules
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-It's really hot
to social resistance
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-Eye for an eye
and fist for a fist
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
I never knew where I fit in
Smash up no good
Punk misfit in the back
with an angry fist
Like Twisted Sister
I won't take it anymore!
Tattooed "Vendetta"
This song in an open scar
Too wrong, being pointed
and told what I have to do
What I have to do
Humiliate their reputation
Desecrate their rules
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-It's really hot
to social resistance
-Revenge
-Rise against
and never quit
-Revenge
-I'll get away with this
-Revenge
-Eye for an eye
and fist for a fist
[song fades]