Dirty Laundry (1987) Movie Script

(Multicom jingle)
(Cruisin' with the top down
by Sam winans and Jim bond)
80 Jay, you finally ran
outta clean clothes, huh?
Well that's a fine observation, Oscar.
Wanna go down to the laundry for a spin?
Oh, no thanks.
I'm workin' on a computer program
that" cut my homework time in half.
Brain of yours never stops, does it?
Only for sex or sleep, not
necessarily in that order.
You know Jay, I know
you're a sound man and all;
but too much loud music in the
ear's gonna make you go deaf.
No actually, I wear
these so I can tune out
the rest of the world.
Bye, world.
(Car engine roaring)
(Garbage cans crashing)
(Car horn honking)
(Tires screeching)
Oh, don't mind him.
He's a little weird, but he's a nice guy.
Now myself on the other
hand, I'm free tonight
and I was thinkin' maybe we.
(Car engine roaring)
(Tires screeching)
J' I jump into my car j'
j' put my foot on the floor j'
j' turn on the rock 'n roll music j'
j' I can't take it no more j'
j' well I pulled out on the freeway j'
j' onto the streets of la j'
j' 'cause there ain't no
place I'd rather be than j'
j' cruisin' with the top down j'
j' I said I'm cruisin' with the top down j'
j' cruisin' with the top down j'
(car horn honking)
J' I said I'm cruisin' with the top down j'
(Gun blasting)
J' well there ain't no
place I'd rather be than j'
j' cruisin' with the top down j'
(plane engine whirring)
J' cruisin' with the top down j'
j' cruisin' with the top down j'
j' I said I'm cruisin' with the top down j'
j' cruisin' with the top down j'
j' I said I'm cruisin' with the top down j'
Trish Burton, entertainment world.
Trish Burton, entertainment world.
Trish Burton, entertainment world.
Trish Burton, entertainment world.
Tell me.
[Woman] Ooh, my god!
(Crowd shrieking)
Excuse me.
Trish Burton, entertainment world.
Tell me Ricky, what do
you think about (shrieks).
Hey, you're that lady from the...
Let go of me.
(Muffled crosstalk)
Ricky, how was the Florida tour?
[Trish] Excuse me, are
you up for the la concerts?
Do you think you can
handle this kinda schedule?
Tell 'em I can't communicate today.
Folks, folks.
Ricky's not able to answer
any questions right now.
Tell 'em to go piss off.
Ricky's color analyst says
we heard him.
There's a couple things
I have to do at the hotel.
So you go ahead and go and
I'll meet ya there, okay?
All right, see ya later.
all right,
talk to ya in a little.
(Intriguing retro music)
(Phone ringing)
Gorgon here, what do ya want?
[Trish] Mr. Gorgon, it's Trish.
Trish who?
Your new reporter.
Oh oh, yeah.
Big mouth, clean cut, yeah.
that's me.
Did you get the Ricky savoy story?
I want that piece on my desk.
Did you get it yet?
Well, not exactly.
You mean no, Mr. Gorgon, sir.
I ain't got your goddamn interview
because I'm a lazy,
goodfornothin' little skirt
who ain't got the brains
of a garden variety turnip.
That's what you mean!
Well that's one way of putting it, sir.
Not quite the way I choose.
Listen, girly.
Listen real good.
There are six girls in that waiting room
dreaming of a job like
yours, you got that?
Mr. Gorgon, don't you think
you're exaggerating a little bit?
Anybody out there wanna be a reporter?
Yes! yes, Mr. Gorgon!
Now get it straight, little lady.
Your interview on my
desk by midnight tonight
or you're backtappin' the tarmac.
That means walkin' the streets.
Catch my drift?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Yes, yes.
(Energetic retro music)
Now I hope he's not late.
Oh, close the door.
(Women muffled crosstalk)
(Tires screeching)
Naughty, naughty, naughty.
Hey hey, it won't be the end.
[Wife] Theo, I told ya it was over.
Now look, don't gimme no lip about this.
You comin' home and you comin' home.
And just where were
you last night anyway?
Hey, that ain't none
of your damn business.
[Wife] I'm not feelin' it.
I know it ain't none
of my business no more.
I don't care 'bout you.
(Intense foreboding music)
Now look, you comin' home
and you comin' home now.
Before I scream.
go and scream!
Scream all you want.
What you think, someone's
gonna do somethin' huh, huh?
Well I never.
You stop this!
Stop this right now!
What's that, a friend
of yours or somethin'?
That's your mama's friend.
You better let go of me.
Theo, stop before I scream.
Vern, this is none of your business.
- Huh, huh? you know
I'm not playin' wit you, Theo.
You better let me go.
You know what?
You may look like Joe Frazier.
I just washed these clothes!
But you sure don't box like him.
C'mon, killer.
Theo, Theo, Theo.
C'mon! Theo.
(Glass shattering)
(Alarm dinging)
All nutso!
It's over, Theo. (Laughs)
[Dispatcher] 37 and Kurtz, 607.
(Intense retro music)
[Cop] Can't even eat a donut in peace.
(Siren wailing)
(Tires screeching)
I'll meet you later.
Has he got the right bag?
Oh, officers.
Officers, we saw the whole thing.
It was fantastic.
They had a fight!
This man and this woman,
they came through the door.
Look, the glass is all over the floor.
You buddy, you see any
of what happened here?
You see any of this that happened here?
- Huh?
What are you doin' here anyway?
What am I doing here?
Oh, I'm entering the hightech world
of computer maintenance.
What do you think I'm doin' here?
I'm doin' my laundry.
Well you better move it along.
This here is a crime scene now.
Officer, this is Los Angeles.
Everywhere's a scene of a crime.
Yeah well, move it along
and take your weird noises with you.
I got you.
It's just like Saturday
night at the wrestling match.
You know when hulk hogan
gets a hold of that...
[Jay] Son of a bitch.
That and he grabs him this
way and he grabs him that way.
Oh I tell you, it's really
something, isn't it?
It's wonderful. (Laughs)
No no no, vern.
That's enough. well.
Well well well, what have we here?
That's your granddaughter's.
Well, we don't like it either.
We just do the laundry.
Getting back to the
man in the parking lot.
Young man, is that really necessary?
Standard procedure.
Just doin' my job, ma'am.
(Box thudding) (Women shrieking)
Well just relax, for god's sake.
It's only soap powder.
Let me do that.
no, I'll get it.
Let me do that. I'll get this.
I'll get it.
Now now, I don't see why you policemen
have to harass innocent citizens like us.
Well for heaven's sake,
we were only trying
to report a vicious and dangerous
example of civic unrest.
Hey. what is it now?
This isn't soap powder. (Sniffs)
This is cocaine.
- Wally.
- Shall I, Heidi?
I'm afraid so.
all of these are cocaine.
These old ladies are dealin' cocaine.
(Gun blasting)
Damn pigs, you'll never take us alive!
I told you we should never
have gotten involved with drugs.
(Energetic organ music)
What are you waiting for?
[Heidi] Never, never, never.
(Car engine roaring)
(Radio chattering)
(Whimsical trombone)
(Somber retro music)
Hey, how'd it go? trouble.
What kinda trouble?
Trouble, but
IthinkIcanfixit trouble.
The transfer at the
laundromat got all screwed up.
There was this black chick, see.
She knocked this guy
through the window, see.
The black chick knocked
the guy through a window.
Are you sure it was a chick?
No I'm serious, Marty.
It was nutso from the minute I got there.
I mean, Maurice like threw the stuff at me
and these two old broads were
givin' these cops a hard time.
Cops, old ladies?
I don't understand this, vito.
I send you to make a simple transfer
and you come back with
an episode of Miami vice.
What's this? somethin' wrong?
Yeah, somethin's wrong.
Something stinks.
(Somber retro music)
J' cruisin' with the top down j'
j' I said I'm cruisin' with the top down j'
[Larry] Look out,
here comes my roommate.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Larry. hey, Jay boy.
We're goin' down to the beach, man.
You wanna come?
Corrine here really likes
your stereo system, Jay.
I think she wants to
check out your tweeters.
Oh, come on.
Get your head outta this
electronic stuff for a while.
Gotta clear your sinuses.
Get your head in a new
place, like corrine.
Hey, really I'd love to but I can't.
I've gotta work on some
wiring for the show tonight.
No kidding, corrine.
Yeah, I told 'em how you were a close
personal friend of Ricky savoy.
I couldn't like believe it, you know?
I mean, like you actually
get to go backstage
at a Ricky savoy concert?
Like. (Breathes heavily)
Well, actually I have to.
You see I designed this mixing board,
so they make me go back
there with the roadies.
Oh oh, I just love mixing.
Don't you, Lulu? and blending.
And I bet you both come cordless.
(Women giggling)
Yeah, great.
Look Jay boy, we gotta make
waves before they fade.
Ya comin'? I can't.
Okay babe, catch ya on the flipside.
Mix, mix, mix.
(Lulu shrieking)
Hey babe, we're outta here.
It was that funny
guy the cops threw out.
He had a laundry bag just like the ladies.
He must've switched 'em when we...
I want you to find this funny guy, vito.
I want you to find this
clown and get my money back.
Right, Marty.
But what about tonight,
the Ricky savoy concert?
I remember tonight.
You think I don't remember tonight?
I'm the one who made that little turd
what he is today, a big turd.
He used to open for me
in the formica room.
Sure, I care about tonight.
I care about tonight like I
care about this dirty laundry.
Where's my money?!
Right Marty, you got it.
I ain't got nothin'.
I'm missin' a goddamn million dollars
and all I got is somebody's dirty laundry!
(Intense orchestral music)
I don't believe it.
What is it?
It's a backstage pass to the concert.
Kid just gave away a
ticket to his own funeral.
Oh crap, I had 'em
here just a minute ago.
(Balloon splashing)
Water balloons, Oscar?
Don't you think you're being
just a between juvenile?
Retrograde, yes; But effective.
I made ya look, didn't I? (Chuckles)
I just expect more from a brain
of your obvious dimensions.
I mean, anyone can fill
a balloon with water.
They're condoms.
Fine, can fill condoms with water.
Speciallylubricated condoms
and they're radio controlled.
Oscar, you're a smart little stinker.
I'll give you that, but some
things just aren't poss...
(Balloon splashing)
Yeah, perfect.
Now if you can just tell
me where I put my keys.
You left 'em in the ignition.
You always leave them in the ignition.
By the way, aren't you supposed to be
at the concert hall by now?
Oscar, I don't have
to be there until 4:00.
Oh god, it's 4:00.
You're welcome.
(Birds chirping)
("Cruisin' with the top down"
by Sam winans and Jim bond)
(Tires screeching)
(Car horn honking)
(Metal crashing)
- Hey, kid.
Go ahead, make my day.
Hey, hey you!
You hit my car, you hit
my car, you hit my car!
Why were you driving like such a maniac?
Look what you did to my car,
look what you did to my car!
There's no damage.
No damage, no damage, no damage?
Do you realize how much it costs
to repair no damage to a BMW?
You know, I happen to be a lawyer
for a very important century city law firm
and I'm gonna sue you for every penny
that you're worth, believe me.
I wanna see some identification right now.
Can I see your driver's
license and your registration?
Look what you did to my
car, my poor beautiful car!
How could you do somethin' like this?
Look, I got $64.28
in the bank so sue me.
Hey! I gotta go.
- But, but.
Hey, what do you mean $64.28?
Come back, how 'bout
(Mumbles) And the money?
This is my car, you didn't even check it.
You can't just pick up and drive away,
like what about all
the money in the trunk?
Look what you did to my car!
What is your name?
You can't leave!
[Announcer] Hey, this is
radio station krzy Los Angeles
reminding you about the big Ricky savoy
concert at the embassy tonight.
It is gonna be hot.
It's two minutes past the hour.
(Intriguing retro music)
(Door rattling)
Hey, I wasn't tryin' to break in.
Yes, you were.
Oh okay, I was chasin' a story.
What the hell's wrong
with chasin' a story?
That's what I'm supposed to do, isn't it?
I guess.
What do you mean, you guess?
That's the goddamn first
amendment, that's what that is.
so okay, you got your job.
I got my job.
So don't go givin' me any of your
selfrighteous, neofascist crap
about how Ricky savoy needs his privacy!
Sure. we all need our privacy.
But we all need something
more than that, don't we?
We need a goddamn break
is what we need around
here, if you ask me.
Just what are we talking about here
and do I really wanna know?
An interview.
All I want is an interview.
You wanna go inside? yes.
It's this way.
Yeah, I'm sorry 'bout all that.
Oh, no problem.
Look hi, I'm Trish Burton
on assignment for entertainment
world, music section.
Jay hillis, I work for Ricky savoy;
sound section. really?
You know, this is my first big story.
Really? yeah.
A personal interview with Ricky.
Pardon me, Ricky savoy.
How 'bout that?
how 'bout that.
Sounds important.
Oh, you don't think so huh?
Well lemme tell ya one thing.
You know one day it's not
gonna be just soap opera queens
and rockstars, some day I
am gonna get the big one.
Princess di.
(Electric guitar strumming)
Killer d.
No, he's rehearsing
and you don't wanna mess
up his concentration.
It's just gonna take one minute, okay?
Look, I happen to be a
close personal friend okay?
Ooh, close personal friend of...
Of the sound man up there.
sound man, right.
Come back after the show, maybe
he'll give you an autograph.
Okay, honey?
But there'll be other
reporters here then.
Just one second. no!
Hey, Marty!
Marty, how are ya?
How are ya?
Jesus, it's good to see you.
what's goin' on?
My god, you look terrific.
How's the kid, okay?
he's great.
He's all right, yeah.
listen, you got a problem,
talk to vito.
Good to see ya, Marty. yeah.
Hey Ricky, say hi to your uncle Marty.
My uncle's name is Alfred.
What are ya a big star?
You don't remember your friends?
How you doin', kid?
Everything okay?
I was feelin' pretty
good 'til just a second.
Hey, did you tell these people about us?
How far we go back, yeah?
Remember the formica room up Marino?
J' memories j'
j' nothing more than memories j'
lemme tell ya, kid.
They don't write 'em like that anymore.
Thank god, they don't
sing 'em like that anymore.
He's a funny guy.
Blond hair and he's got the
million dollars, all of it.
We gotta get it.
Don't move.
What was your name again?
Is that an initial or what?
Trish, right?
I bet it's short for Patricia
'cause you have trouble with
three syllables in a row.
Hey look, they finally noticed
I don't have a backstage pass.
So you gonna introduce me to Ricky now?
No, but I'll be happy
to throw you outta here.
Throw me out? mmhmm.
What do ya mean throw me out?
I've got a job to do, buddy.
You should know that,
especially since you're the guy
helped me get backstage
in the first place.
Look lady, I did not hire on
to be your personal tour guide.
I do have a job. oh, come on.
Will you show me around a little bit?
Vouch for me.
Beside, I don't wanna
spend the whole concert
hiding back here with you.
Now don't you try and sweet
talk me, you little charmer.
I don't know who he is, but
I'll know him when I see him.
So keep an eye out for him, got it?
You see him, you get him.
What the hell are ya talkin' about?
Do you wanna meet somebody?
I mean you really wanna? yeah.
Okay, security!
(Scoffs) Some friend
you turned out to be.
Yo, rowdy.
and you bring him to me.
Yo rowdy, up here.
And don't say nothin' to nobody.
Not tonight. up here, rowdy!
Then when they find this joker
floating in the la harbor.
You got me? hey.
Yeah, up here.
(Audience cheering)
What can I say that he hasn't
already said about himself?
Ladies and gentlemen: The
one, the only Ricky savoy!
(Retro rock music)
J' tell me does it feel good j'
j come on j'
j' feels so good j'
J' I can feel like a little fire j'
j' since you came to town j'
j'aii I want to do is take you higher j'
j' never let you go j'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'uh huhj'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'aii right j'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'uh huhj'
j' feels so good j'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'uh huhj'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'aii right j'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'uh huhj'
j' feels so good j'
j' I've been waitin'
such a long long time j'
j' now my love is stronger j'
j' you're all I've got
on my onetrack mind j'
j' now I can't wait any longer j'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'uh huhj'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'aii right j'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'uh huhj'
j' feels so good j'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'uh huhj'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'aii right j'
j' 'cause it feels good j'
j'uh huhj'
j' feels so good j'
j come on j'
J come on j
J come on j
j feels so good j
j yeah j
j 'cause it feels good j
(soundboard fizzing and crackling)
J feels so good j
j 'cause it feels good j
juh huhj
j 'cause it feels good j
j come on j
j 'cause it feels good j
juh huhj
j feels so good j
j oooh yeah j
j oh it feels good j
(Ricky vocalizing)
(Audience cheering loudly)
That's him!
Everybody down from that guy up there!
(Gun blasting) (Trish shrieking)
Hey man, this is my concert.
(Guitar thudding) (Vito wincing)
(Intense chase music)
(Gun blasting)
[Woman] C'mon, they're upstairs.
Get 'em!
Let's party!
(Gun blasting)
The door! push; Harder.
Harder! I am!
(Gun blasting)
Watch out for the I.
Move your ass!
Whoa, we can't go that way.
(Trish shrieking)
Yuck, where are we?
How's that for a clean getaway?
It's dirty.
(Grunts) It's dirty laundry.
(Soothing retro music)
Thanks. you're welcome.
[Both] Why was that guy shooting at you?
At me?
I thought he was shooting at you.
Excuse me, I've gotta talk to Maurice.
The guy got away, Maurice.
You know, Marty thinks
that it's real funny
that this guy worked for you.
Maybe it's too funny.
Marty says to give you
'til tomorrow morning
to get the money back from this sound guy.
If you don't,
I'm gonna have to cancel
your ticket permanently.
It would be a shame to put bullet holes
in your pretty satin jacket, wouldn't it?
(Soft foreboding music)
(Ironing board clanking)
Jay boy, is that you?
Jay boy, is that you?
How was the concert?
(Lamp bashing) (Larry wincing)
(Crickets chirping)
What happened to Larry?
[Lulu] Corrine, what's...
What the hell's goin' on in here?
Hey buster, let's party.
(Woman chuckling)
(Snaps) So much for that party.
(Whimsical tuba music)
(Retro pop music)
[Trish] Here, we can go to this place.
Park your car, sir?
no, thanks.
Never let a valet park your car.
They have no respect for an automobile.
(Car crushing)
[Trish] Nice parking job, Jay.
You know if I had the money
to eat at a place like this,
I wouldn't eat at a place like this.
[Trish] It's okay, I know this place.
Oh fine, great.
I bet a glass of water costs $1.50 here.
J whenever you touch me j
j every day and every night j
you all right? don't worry.
I am buying.
Whoa! good, good.
I mean I'm not exactly
made of money, you know?
J there's no choice and
there's no need to sacrifice j
j it's always you and always me j
j it's paradise j
J kiss me forever j
j can we make it last j
j we'll stay together j
so who's tryin' to kill you?
Kill me?
Hey, you're the muckraking...
I am not a muckraker!
Oh really?
Excuse me, the investigative journalist.
Look, I'm just a lonely sound engineer.
The only sound guy I know
whoever got knocked off worked for ac/dc,
then I took 2,000 volts ac. (Chuckles)
I'll get the drinks.
J it's paradise j
j every day and every night j
j it's paradise j
j it's only you and only me j
j it's all a device j
j there's no choice and
there's no need to sacrifice j
j it's always you and always me j
j it's paradise j
(woman hissing)
I knew it, I knew it.
You tramp.
You are cheatin' on me, you gargoyle.
You dirty, filthy gargoyle. (Grunts)
Trouble seems to be
following you around.
You musta been born under an unlucky star.
No, but I was conceived in a drivein
during a Bruce Lee film.
Does that count?
Well I might as well
get some kinda interview.
So how did you hook up with Ricky?
Well, I was just finishing a course
in electronics at Berkeley
and a friend of mine,
who's only slightly crazier
than I am, liked my ideas.
Told Ricky about me and two months later,
I was down here working
for Ricky savoy and the cockroaches.
That's it?
Well excuse me if my life's
not exciting enough for you.
Hey, I didn't say that.
I mean tonight has had its thrills.
Which brings us to your life.
Now, why don't you just level with me
and tell me who's trying to kill you?
I swear, nobody.
I mean, let's face it.
Right now, I'm just another
eager reporter with big plans
working for this bgrade
entertainment throwaway.
I admit I was trying to pump
this up into something important.
Not just another throb job, you know?
Colorfully put.
Thank you, I'm a writer.
- Ah.
- Anyway,
I never thought a quickie
interview with a guy
like Ricky savoy would turn out
to be this exciting or end up with people
like macho Marty
benedictine in the picture.
Who? what do you mean who?
I mean excuse me, but
I don't know the name.
You don't know who macho
Marty benedictine is?
What, am I a talking jock guy here?
No, I do not know the name.
Oh god, don't you know anything?
Well I know how to get you away
from guys who are shooting at ya.
They weren't shooting at me.
Oh yeah?
Well why would they be
shooting at me, huh?
I'm just a sound engineer who
doesn't know anything, right?
Why do I even bother with you?
Yeah, why?
Jand every night j
j it's paradise j
j it's only you and only me j
j it's all a device j
okay, where are we goin'?
The morgue.
Oh, I've been dyin'
to go there. (Chuckles)
(Foreboding organ music)
This does not look like a body.
This is a newspaper morgue
and that is macho Marty benedictine.
[Jay] This guy sure gets a lotta press.
He's a bring drug dealer.
Most of his dope is sold
to kids in the streets.
The thing I don't get though,
he usually operates outta Miami.
I wonder what he's doing here in la.
Well he's tryin' to kill one of us.
That's the milliondollar question.
We're finished.
I wish you wouldn't
put it quite like that.
You're gonna be fine.
Oh, Larry. ooh, no surfing
for this boy tomorrow.
ooh, Larry.
(Soft intriguing music)
(Muffled radio speech)
Man, you see that chick?
I love those (speaks foreign language).
Not another move, punk.
'Cause the flasher's on the case now.
If you can't stand the light,
stay out of the shadows.
You little shit.
Don't mouth off to me, butt sucker.
No one talks to the flasher like that.
Hey, don't you think I
can't blow your head off
with this thing, huh?
I was just kidding.
Oscar, what the hell
are you up to this time?
(Maurice grunting)
(Elbow thudding)
Hey, don't you work for Ricky?
He broke in, then he tried to kill me.
This is gettin' weird.
I'm callin' the police.
(Retro investigative music)
You understand my position, Mr. Hillis.
[Jay] I do?
You understand that I don't believe
one single word that you've said.
Oh yeah, why should you believe me?
A nice, straight, honest, intelligent guy
who doesn't even have a
traffic on his record.
Now look, officer. inspector.
Inspector zimbalist.
You're kidding, right?
Inspector zimbalist is with the FBI.
They've taken a very special
interest in this case.
It seems your guy Maurice
lavant has a federal wrap sheet.
Extortion, assault on a federal officer.
Importation of proscribed substances.
You know, I didn't realize
you could still get a
prescription for that.
You think you're real
funny, don't you boy?
You think you're a real comedian.
I'm just standing in 'til
Eddie Murphy gets here.
Jay, why are you trying to make him mad?
Why's he tryin' to make us guilty?
Look Lou, we didn't do anything
except walk in on a burglary in progress.
Now unless that's suddenly illegal,
I wanta: A lawyer, b: Some charges filed
or c: The hell outta here
for him, for her and for me.
You're a real creep, kid.
Thank you.
Oh tough, very tough.
Cut 'em loose.
(Retro investigative music)
Sorry about that, folks.
Yeah, he's a real buttwad.
What else can we tell ya?
At least he didn't
say, "book 'em, danno."
(Retro rock music)
Hey, are you two cops from Miami?
Uh huh, you notice those
three kids in the hall?
Well they just told me a wild story
about macho Marty benedictine.
You know, the guy that you
were sent out here to bust?
Well they told me that
benedictine wants to kill them.
If that's true, then they'll
lead you right to him.
Let's go.
(Soothing retro music)
(Baton smacking)
(Cop crashing)
[Cop] (Grunts) Shit,
who put that bucket there?
What is this, man?
I hate janitors.
Goddamn floorshined shoes.
You know, that guy is a real bonehead.
Oh god, it's 4:00 in the morning.
Let's get Oscar home before
his parents miss him.
Aw come on, they won't miss me.
Believe me, they will not miss me.
Oh, I believe you.
I still gotta get ya home though.
And besides, I'd like to file this story
before the noon edition.
[Jay] Noon edition?
(Chuckles) What noon edition?
(Intriguing retro music)
Why are you so hostile?
I'm sorry.
Look, it's not you.
I just hate cops, all right?
You work for a lousy entertainment rag
that makes people magazine
shine like the magna carta.
Jay? I mean
what is this, stop the presses,
I gotta go rewrite garbage?
I am not your press.
Hey, you want me to go home?
No, I don't want you to.
You never wanna see me again?
See me again.
Jay, I think we're being followed.
Who do you think they are?
I don't know, nice car though.
[Trish] Yeah, I saw those
guys back at the police station.
[Jay] Yeah, I hate cops.
I'll fix them.
Brigham, watch this.
(Tires screeching)
Forget those guys.
Hey, quit it!
What, are you crazy?
God, this guy's crazy.
Hey, quit it!
Hey, man.
Hey, yo!
Hey, (mumbles).
Come on.
(Tires screeching)
(Intense retro music)
Hey man, why are we stoppin' here?
Hey, this truck's movin'.
Hey, they're dumpin' stuff on us.
Get us outta here!
I can't find reverse.
Ooh shit. shit, man.
(Groans) Look at me.
Look at these Armani slacks.
God, your slacks.
Look at this jacket.
It's a versace original.
An original?
Looks more like shit to me.
(Romantic retro music)
You sure you can get inside okay?
Yeah, sure.
One time I was gone for three days,
my mom thought she sent me off to camp
and forgotten where.
I'll be okay.
Now you be careful 'cause you know,
you're not quite as resourceful as I am.
[Trish] That's a horrifying thought.
You know, I wouldn't have
minded what's happened tonight.
I mean, it's been fun
in a weird sorta way if
it weren't for Oscar.
I don't know, he seems
to be holdin' up okay.
Oh yeah, he's a bright kid and all.
But damn, he's just a kid.
I mean he coulda gotten hurt.
You know you really
care about him, don't ya?
I can truthfully say that Oscar's
my best friend in Los Angeles,
(shivers) Which makes for
two horrifying thoughts
in one hour.
Lemme get you somethin' to drink.
'Kay, I'll take some orange juice.
Lemme call my editor first though.
Oh more stop the
presses, huh? (Chuckles)
(Typewriter clacking)
(Phone ringing)
What? Mr. Gorgon?
Oh it's you, isn't it?
Where's the Ricky savoy story?
Well actually, I didn't
quite get the interview yet.
Yet, yet?!
I been holdin' up page five for you!
I sent some twerp down to that
goddamn concert to take pictures.
Actually, I got a much better story.
A much better story.
Did you get this assignment
from our new editor
here at entertainment world?
No no, it just kinda came up.
It's about Marty benedictine.
You know macho Marty, the
organized crime leader?
Hey barton, you remember
the name of this rag?
The name of this rag
is entertainment world.
Read my lips: Entertainment
world, not crime world.
We don't do stories on people
like Marty benedictine.
Am I making myself perfectly clear?!
Yes, I know we don't usually.
But it's just that he...
Now I'm gonna ask you one last time:
Did you get the interview
with the rockstar or not?
(Grunts) You'll understand
then when I have to say:
Barton, as I slowly
stand up behind my desk
and I put the telephone
real close to my mouth
and I say, you're out on
your butt, barton as of now!
You're through, fired,
terminated, out the goddamn door!
I got broads out here
who'd kill for your job!
I got broads lined up around the block
who can do your job
better than you ever will!
You, get in here!
(Somber retro music)
Well did they stop the presses for ya?
He fired me.
- What?!
I didn't get the
interview, so he fired me.
Oh, Jay.
I'm not gonna cry.
Hey look, it's okay to cry.
No, it's not okay.
I don't wanna fall into that stereotype.
Look, I had a job and I lost it okay?
It's gone, ended, kaput.
We're gonna follow this story
and we're gonna get every bit of it
'til every newspaper in the country's
gonna be begging to hire me, right?
- Right.
- Right.
It's just that it was my big chance
and I feel like I blew it.
No, you didn't blow it.
Look come on, I'll take
you to breakfast somewhere
where people don't have
crazyglue in their hair.
I'm not hungry. come on!
It'll be a new experience.
All right.
move, god you're heavy.
Oh look at these shoes.
One day in this frickin' town
and we got crap all over us.
This was a new suit, man.
Fresh from georgio.
Hey, button it up.
We have work to do.
Lieutenant, give 'em a little room.
I wanna know exactly what they're
in such a big hurry about.
Betty, Veronica.
I want you two out on the street.
I want you to stay on tact2.
And when we find out the location
of this little (speaks foreign language),
I want you there waiting for
'em, (speaks foreign language)?
Right away, inspector.
Come on, Betty.
Will you two please tell me
just exactly what time your
flight is back to Miami?
(Soft whimsical music)
(Birds chirping)
C'mon, there's gotta
be somethin' in there
that doesn't smell like
last week's lunch, I hope.
Don't move. I'm not movin'.
Open the trunk.
There's nothin' in my trunk, I swear.
Open the damn trunk!
Sorry, I'm just a little bit nervous.
(Soft foreboding music)
Oh my.
My my my, I do believe I've
solved our little mystery.
Fill it up and get every dollar.
Will there be anything else?
Aside of fries, perhaps.
shut up!
I'm sorry.
When it's full, you're
gonna put it in my car
and you're going to get in and drive.
You don't want him to
do that, trust me on this.
I'm not kidding, you
don't want him to drive.
I said shut up! right.
You're gonna drive where I tell you.
And when I say stop,
you're going to get out
and I'm going to blow your brains
all over the San Fernando
valley, you got that?
You wouldn't wanna make that
a multiple choice, would ya?
No, I didn't think so.
C'mon, let's get!
(Balloon splashing)
(Garbage can crashing)
(Balloons splashing)
Ooh, that's cold.
(Garbage cans crashing)
(Gun blasting)
Don't you move, you little brat.
Don't you move a muscle.
(Foreboding retro music)
Get in!
It's the money.
It's the money they're after.
(Gasps) And they're still after us.
Jay, here he comes!
Yeah, well he's not gonna catch me.
(Tires screeching)
(Intense chase music)
You almost hit those girls!
Almost does not count
you stop your kicking around back there
or I'll blow you in the
belly button, get me?
Yeah, you got it.
Look out! (Shrieks)
(Tires screeching)
Don't turn there, it's a oneway.
Would you look out for that?
There's a firetruck!
(Siren wailing)
Where did you learn how to drive?
My blind grandma can
drive better than you can.
You wanna get out, huh?
You wanna get out right here?
Then shut up, I'm driving.
(Shrieks) Look out for that bus!
(Both shrieking)
(Tires screeching)
(Vendor crashing)
Is this valet parking?
(Man shouting foreign language)
Erwin, look!
Look, look erwin; It's the
ateam! (Laughs hysterically)
Oh, it's the ateam!
(Man shouting foreign language)
We're sorry.
The money.
The money.
Money changes everything.
Money speaks all languages.
Loud and clear.
Jay, you coming?
Keep the car.
(Retro rock music)
This way.
Hey, there's a big
baldheaded guy following us.
Guys if you'd like to make
a little pocket change,
keep him from comin' inside.
C'mon, Jay.
(Fists thudding) (Vito grunting)
(Man grunting) (Water splashing)
(Head bashing)
(Water splashing)
Do you ever run an obstacle course?
What? excuse us.
Excuse me.
Now what?
And now for this
evening's entertainment,
we're gonna play bean the
bald guy behind us for $1,000.
Excuse me, c'mon!
(Guests shouting)
[Man] You gotta be gaggin' me.
(Retro Asian music)
(Guests shouting)
Hey gee, thanks guys.
You did a hell of a job.
Food fight! food fight!
Gotta take your shoes off.
your shoes; Take 'em off.
For crying out loud.
You satisfied? yeah.
[Jay] Good.
(Instructor vocalizing)
May I help you?
There's a man chasing
us, tryin' to kill us.
You have angered this man.
Anger is a terrible thing.
We don't even know him.
Angry strangers often
make the worst enemy.
Now look, master po.
Me and grasshopper here
are in big trouble,
so will you save your
philosophy for a fortune cookie?
Master, sensei.
Yes. I have a request.
There is a man of unreasonable power
who was sent to do us harm
and he is now in hot pursuit.
We know him not, yet he
seeks our destruction.
I just said that.
And you wish to use
our violence against him?
We seek a balance between
our flight and his pursuit.
Bodily sacrifice.
It's a difficult thing for young ones.
Ah, allow me to lift your burden.
Would an even 1,500 about cover it?
Make it 3,000 and you
got yourself a deal.
Students, prove yourself for the sensei
and for $250 a piece!
(Students cheering)
(Gong bonging)
(Foot bashing)
They got him.
They got him!
(Foot bashing)
(Paper tearing)
(Trish shrieking)
[Jay] Who is that guy anyway?
(Retro rock music)
There just isn't any available
husband material around anymore.
I'm getting desperate.
Oh god, send somebody, anybody to me.
You know, how 'bout a quick dip?
Come on.
Excuse me.
(Birds chirping)
(Both shrieking)
Now there's a real man.
(Retro rock music)
(Gun blasting)
Come to mama!
Come to mama.
Ooh, baby.
Oh, nutso.
(Water splashing) oh my god.
[Parrot] (Squawks) What's
that noise by the pool?
[Parrot] (Squawks) I don't know.
Hey iookie here, comin' down the path.
Look, tell the bald eagle following us
that we went through that gate.
C'mon. it might work.
(Squawks) Niceiookin' chick.
Out by the gate?
Sure thing.
Wait wait, please don't go!
Wait, I'm a good cook!
(Whistles) Hey baldy, come here.
They went through the gate.
No no, they went through the garage.
They went through the gate, I know it.
I know they went through the gate.
[Parrot] No no, they
went through the garage.
- [Parrot] So long, sucker.
(Parrots squawking)
(Retro chase music)
A getaway car.
yeah, but who's that?
Hey lady, how much for this car?
This car?
I've always wanted a pink
Cadillac just like this one.
I mean, I must have it.
How much?
Well lemme see, darling.
3,000, done.
(Gasps) Ooh! (Chuckles)
Wait a minute, my babies.
[Both] Babies?
Not these babies, my
babies in the backseat.
Here, I'll hand them to you, okay?
(Puppies barking)
Ooh come here, daphy.
Daphne. please hurry.
Here's Daphne. Daphne.
Dee Dee. goofy.
Ooh yeah, here's herbie.
Oh, my lord.
Here is jeanpierre.
[Woman] Herbie.
Come here, my herbie.
jump to her.
[Woman] And here's my handsome herbie.
Here's herbie. herbie.
(Intense retro music)
Denise. Denise.
Ooh yes. (Breathes heavily)
See, finished.
There's cab fare home.
All right! here you go.
Ooh, thank you.
Thank you.
Goodbye, darlings.
Goodbye. (Chuckles)
Merry Christmas, bye!
(Sensual saxophone music)
(Car puttering)
Babies, we're rich. (Chuckles)
We're rich!
Veronica, Betty, you read me?
[Veronica] We're online, inspector.
Get the map coordinates from our fly boy.
I want you to move in.
Move in.
Yes, sir.
(Tires screeching)
(Sensual saxophone music)
What kind of car is this?
$3,000 piece of sh.
(Grunts) Christ!
(Energetic retro music)
Where are we?
(mumbles), I think.
Hey, my man.
Look like I done made a wrong turn.
The hell you talkin' about?
Ah, I get it.
You tryin' to talk negroese, right?
Now you be a real cool dude, right?
Do you know him?
yeah, that's my son.
I taught him how to do that.
You do anything else
besides teach your son?
Yeah, look for work.
Some fulltime job?
I'm just kidding.
Look, I might have a proposition for you;
a way to make some quick cash.
I don't do nothin' illegal.
Well it's for $500
and it's a good cause.
Well (chuckles),
"the ins justifies the
means," I always say.
Walk with me, talk with me.
Hold it, no more of that
phony street talk of yours.
I'm sorry.
Hey, he watches a lot of television.
He's impressionable,
but he's very sincere.
Like a geek to me.
Look, what we need is a vehicle
to get the hell outta here.
Let's see, elmo found this
new corvette last night.
Oh great, now we're
gonna be car thieves.
Then everyone'll be after us.
(Kids clapping)
[Jay] Well, what can you do for $3,000?
How's this? it's great.
It's fine.
we can't thank you enough.
If there's anything we
can do to repay you.
That's $3,000 your buddy promises.
Fine enough.
Hey, we owe you one. all right.
Hey, we'll pay you back someday.
You're all right, you know that?
Come back anytime, we're always open.
(Hands slapping)
(Ice cream truck chiming)
(Intense retro music)
See, everything was cool.
Yeah, now let's see if
you can get us outta here.
Jay, there he is. it's him!
(Tires screeching)
All right, we'll lose him
down these little streets.
We'll ditch this thing.
We got it.
(Train horn honking)
Oh shit.
(Tires screeching)
Okay, it's been fun.
Enough screwing around already.
Great plan.
I got something you want.
You got something I want.
What do you say to a trade?
Well what do you say to blowin' it out.
(Vocalizes) That's not a good
negotiating position now, is it?
Aww, nuts.
I couldn't agree more, fella.
So what do ya say?
Gimme the money, I give you the boy
and we all walk outta here in one piece.
You game?
Do I have a choice?
I could just kill you right now.
Oh you could, could ya?
Decide now!
(Foreboding music)
Okay, the money.
Throw it over here.
No, wait wait.
You bastard!
(Gun blasting)
Catch me if ya can, asshole! (Laughs)
God, I hate a cheater!
(Car engine roaring)
(Tires screeching)
(Intense retro music)
Get outta the way, it's an emergency!
Not a chance, buddy.
Inspector zimbalist wants to see you.
Look, you dickheads.
There's a kidnapped boy in that car.
Unless we stop it, they're gonna kill him.
Sorry, you're under arrest.
But they have my baby, my baby.
Lady lady, you all right?
All right, get up.
Drop your weapon, funky.
Now move away from the car.
We're gonna need it.
And as soon as we're
gone, you call zimbalist
and tell him we didn't hurt anybody
and we're not goin' to, got it?
(Whimsical retro music)
(Ignition whirring)
[Trish] Jay, is that him watching us?
[Jay] (Grunts) I hate cop cars.
- [Trish] Is that him?
(Foreboding music)
(Tires screeching)
He's waiting for us.
Maybe he wants us to follow him.
All right, let's follow him.
Like it's a trap.
yeah, it could be.
But when a guy's buddy's
kidnapped, you gotta do something.
Look, he's goin' up in the hills.
[Jay] I think he knows
we're following him.
[Trish] But we don't have any choice.
[Jay] Yeah, he's got Oscar.
[Trish] He's got my big story.
Marty benedictine must
be involved in this.
Jay, he's turning.
I may be insane, but I'm not crazy.
We go in there and we're
tomorrow's concrete.
Yeah, but if we don't go in there?
All right look, you
go around the north side
and I'll go...
Wait wait, which side is north?
Ooh, Jay.
- [Both] Oh.
(Foreboding music)
Hi, guys.
(Birds chirping)
How could you do this?
How the hell could you do this?!
They had the money.
They knew all about us and
I couldn't kill 'em there
with a couple dozen people looking down,
so I had 'em follow me.
See, I thought...
No, you idiot.
I don't want no evidence
of homicides in my house.
It's rule number one with me.
You never kill the house guests.
Sounds reasonable.
and very polite.
Now listen, you wait until dark.
Then you get them the hell outta here,
take them somewhere in
the hills, maybe Burbank.
They can use a little excitement there.
You blow 'em away, sweet and easy.
[Vito] Right, Marty.
I don't want this tied
to me, not now or ever.
What if the neighbors saw you
ioadin' a couple of stiffs in the limo?
You think they're gonna think
it's another one of my
wild parties or what?
[Veronica] Looks like 525
ladareo canyon road, inspector.
Does Marty benedictine
mean anything to you?
don't do anything until I get there.
This could be the big one.
(Zimbalist laughing maniacally)
Well it's been great talkin' to you
and we'll have to do it again real soon.
Same to you, fella!
(Door slamming)
My hero. hi, you guys.
Welcome to the slammer.
Care for some cognac?
You're okay.
And none of us are gonna be okay
if we don't get outta here by sundown.
They had this lame plan for
takin' us up in the hills.
We already heard; So
what've you got in mind?
I don't know, I was just
catching up on my reading.
Why am I not overcome
with confidence of that?
Why do I feel like screaming my lungs out?
No really, it's been great.
Did you see that helicopter out front?
Well I found the pilot's manual for it
and it looks really easy.
I mean anybody could learn
how to fly this thing.
Oscar, it's been
great that you been able
to carry on your education
even here in captivity,
but as ya say, "we have to
get the hell outta here."
Okay, just lemme
finish this last chapter.
Oscar! okay, jeez!
It's just like being at home.
(Oscar grunting and wincing)
We've got 'em cold, inspector.
Two known perpetrators implicated
and at least five federal counts
are known to be on the premises.
One reporter kidnapping has
been traced there as well.
Here are your search warrants,
your arrest warrants,
yourjurisdictional clearances
and a parade permitjust in case.
- Right.
I been waitin' for
years to get this scuzz.
I'm sorry, I really am.
I understand, Oscar.
I couldn't do it ondemand either.
I don't think anybody could.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Mister, c'mon!
There is a bathroom in there, kid.
Don't you be playin' with me.
Yeah but the lady, she went in.
She won't come out.
She's sick or something, but she won't.
C'mon, I'm gonna wet my pants!
No way, Mr. Benedictine says
nobody gets out and that means no.
(Oscar grunting)
(Water gurgling)
Jesus, kid.
Wait a second.
What the? (Grunts)
Nothin' to it. (Oscar laughing)
Okay, now what?
What's that noise?
(Retro rock music)
You don't wanna know.
Wait here.
Stay where you are, buddy.
You might learn somethin'.
Look what I found.
They are gonna kill us in four hours
and they serve us lunch.
(Oscar and Trish shrieking)
(Plate crashing)
Gentlemen, on the double.
Move it out!
(Military trumpet music)
[Trish] Now where are we?
(Door banging)
Ooh, look at this.
How much do you think there is?
There must be a
million dollars at least.
Yeah, well forget it.
Jay, this may be our ticket out.
Did you ever think of that?
You want the truth? yes.
No, no I did not think of that one.
Oh what the hell?
Let's take it. (Oscar laughing)
We better hurry.
(Intense chase music)
Just passing through.
(Gun blasting) (Both shrieking)
(Bullets pinging)
I didn't know Marty had so many friends.
If you got money, you got friends.
Hey mister, you know
how to fly this thing?
Yeah sure, it's for Mr. Benedictine.
Yeah, nevermind that.
How much do we pay ya?
Well let's see, 12 times.
Yeah, well forget it.
You just won the lottery.
Look, it's all yours
for one little joyride.
That looks awful tempting,
but you just don't fool with macho Marty.
Yeah and you don't fool
with jumpy Jay either.
Hop in.
(Energetic retro music)
(Helicopter whirring)
Jerry, what the hell are you doin'?
Mr. Benedictine, they made me do it.
I swear, they made me do it.
(Gun blasting)
You dirty son of a bitch!
Mr. Benedictine, don't!
(Gun blasting) (Oscar shrieking)
There they are!
Three perps ready to escape!
Move in!
Just get us the hell outta here.
Yeah all right, all right.
I'm makin' this up as I go along.
Ooh, higher Oscar.
Do you think you could
go just a little higher?
Isn't there some kind of an up button?
[Both] Up button?!
(Helicopter blades whirring)
(Triumphant retro music)
(Whip clanking)
So, at long last we meet facetoface.
My longtime foe, my archenemy.
Who the hell is this guy, vito?
I don't know.
You don't know who I am?
What is this, an American
express commercial or what?
Who the hell are you, some kinda fed?
Not fed,
Fred zimbalist,
That's great, a fed
with a name like that.
(Whimsical carnival music)
[Veronica] C'mon
Betty, let's go go go go.
Hey dude, what about the fare, man?
(Helicopter blades whirring)
It's downtown la.
Burbank down there.
You know, I wouldn't know
what to do with this kinda money.
- I would.
- I would.
You would?
Oscar, head for those towers.
[Oscar] Yo.
[Trish] Let's give this back
to the people who it really belongs to.
It'll make one hell of a story.
("I took another look" by
dick Wells and breta Troyer)
(Helicopter blades whirring)
J everybody's runnin' j
j runnin' around j
jand I'm up here watchin' j
j lookin' down j
Hey and this is for us,
just for the hell of it. (Chuckles)
(Lips smacking)
(Sighs) Now which way's palm Springs?
J then I took another look j
jand I like what I see j
what's that?
"Ace girl reporter gets scoop."
'Kay, she gets herjob back.
J then I took another look j
jand I like what I see j
j this is a beginning j
j for you and me j
j crowded out on you j
j stomp and go j
j sittin' next to you j
j I just want you to know j
j then I took another look j
jand I like what I see j
j this is a beginning j
j for you and me j
(Multicom jingle)