Distant Cousins (1993) Movie Script
[sinister note playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[tires screeching]
(QUIETLY) Go around back.
Give me one minute.
Whosever in there, it's the police!
Come out, now!
Hands up!
[glass breaking]
I heard a crash. I'm going in.
[crashing]
[robotic voice]
[whirring]
[shattering]
[creaking]
Hey, Benson, eat me.
[dog door rustling]
Mr. Benson, up yours.
Stuff it.
Hey, I was just testing Mr. Benson's burglar alarm
to see if it worked or not.
Boy, you wouldn't believe how easy it was to get in.
I'm trying to help, like a neighborhood watch.
OFFICER: Pretty impressive, kid.
Yeah, it took me a month to build.
MR. BENSON: What's going on here?
What is this?
Do you live here, sir?
Yes, I do.
My door!
My house!
You little anarchist.
[doorbell ringing]
Hi, Mom.
The police bringing you home is getting
to be a real habit, Alex.
You better set a record getting ready for bed.
[phone ringing] - But it's still light out.
I can see that.
Now.
ALEX: What are you mad at me for?
KATE: Hello?
Even Dad calls Benson a tight-ass.
Uh, just-- just one second.
I don't need your mouth.
I'm sorry.
I was talking to my son.
Can we start over?
HARRY (ON PHONE): Does that pretty voice belong
to Katherine June Sullivan?
Well, yes, this is Katherine.
HARRY (ON PHONE): You'll never guess
who this is in a million years-- your cousin, Harold Young.
Cousin Harold?
HARRY (ON PHONE): You all moved to California
before we had a chance to meet.
But I've heard plenty about Richie's beautiful wife.
Oh, uh, thank you.
HARRY (ON PHONE): How's Richie?
Can I talk to him?
Uh, well, he's just fine. But he's not here.
He usually works late.
I'm sorry you missed him.
HARRY (ON PHONE): He ain't gonna miss me.
I'm coming your way tomorrow, and I wanted to hook up
with Richie and kiss the bride.
You still live on Woodbriar Road?
It's Briarwood.
HARRY (ON PHONE): Briarwood. OK.
See you tomorrow, cousin. Bye.
No, wait. What-- what time?
[dial tone]
This is stupid.
No.
Screwing with Mr. Benson is stupid.
[door closing]
HARRY: My folks just can't wait to see us.
CONNIE: Well, I'm just dying to meet them, too.
You got some of that for me?
You just gotta say the magic word.
- Please? - Uh-uh.
Wrong word.
Oh, yeah?
[kissing]
[laughing]
OK.
OK.
I got it, huh?
Oh, LA is such a long way off, baby,
and I'm so tired of hitching rides.
Oh.
[ominous music playing]
When, uh-- when you gonna learn to trust me?
Hey, partner.
Whew.
It's hotter than hell on a Christmas day, isn't it?
Nice camper.
This thing got air?
RICHARD: Oh, I'm not saying that he shouldn't be punished.
But kids get into trouble.
It's their job.
Yeah, well, your son seems to be making a habit out of it.
When I was Alex's age, I did worse things than this,
and I turned out all right.
You know, mischief's just a part of growing up.
Yeah, well, I don't think the cops call it mischief.
RICHARD: He's just a smart kid with way
too much energy who should be asleep right now, by the way.
[laughing]
You've got to stop sending Alex mixed signals.
I'm the one that punishes him.
And then, you come home and play with him,
and Mom ends up being the bad guy again.
Alex doesn't think that.
Oh, come on.
He knows you'll go easy on him. - All right, Katie.
I will lay down the law with him tomorrow.
And then you won't be the only villain, all right?
Can't you just be here for him a little more?
That'd be best.
Well, it's not by choice I'm away from you guys so much.
I mean, this client is driving me crazy.
He's impossible to deal with.
Well, I hope you're going to be home when your cousin,
Harold, gets here tomorrow.
Who?
Harold Young.
Harold Young.
No.
Yeah, he called and said he was on his way.
- I don't believe it. - Well, believe it.
I'd say he was from the deep-fried side of the family.
Harold Young.
We used to go to Camp Sea Breeze together.
I couldn't have been more than seven or eight years old.
I wouldn't recognize him now if he fell on me.
He sounds like a real charmer.
Great.
This is what I need.
Dad, this says $185.
That's right-- which you now owe the bank of Mom and Dad.
Payments start next week with your allowance,
which you won't be getting any of unless it's all paid back.
Dad, that will take over two years.
Well, then, you know what, Alex?
I suggest you get a part-time job.
And unless you're doing that or you're helping your mother,
you are grounded until otherwise notified.
But Dad, this isn't--
RICHARD: No, that's the end of the discussion, all right?
Now, I have a meeting.
[door slamming]
[engine turning over]
Katie, it's fabulous.
Thanks.
Before I know it, you'll be shopping your work
to the west side galleries.
[laughing]
No way.
We're expecting a visit from a very
distant cousin of Richard's.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, so, we gotta go.
What's with our young genius?
He hasn't said a word since he got here.
Oh, he's out on parole.
He, uh, ran into a problem with one of the neighbors,
so now he has to get a job and pay for the damages.
Well, if our master criminal needs a job,
I could use some help cleaning out the back storeroom.
Really?
Bring him by day after tomorrow.
Hey, that'd be great, Marcie.
Thanks.
Hey, did you hear that?
Yeah, I heard.
Well, don't get too excited.
HARRY: Come here, baby.
Sit right here.
ALEX: Whose old truck is that?
And who are those people?
Cross your legs.
[giggling]
All right, then.
Give me a big smile.
[car door opening]
[camera clicking]
Yeah.
One more.
[car door slamming]
All right.
Oooh, that's beautiful, beautiful.
Excuse me.
What do you think you're doing?
Well, I'll be damned.
Here.
Katherine Sullivan, as I live and breathe.
Come here to me. Oh--
- Oh. - You pretty thing.
[laughing]
Oh, Richard always did have such good taste.
That's Connie.
And this must be the man of the house.
How you doing, partner?
I'm your Uncle Harry.
Oh, my gosh, this boy's strong!
Oh.
[laughing]
Other than Richard's mother, I never met anyone
from that side of the family.
I didn't know I had another uncle.
Well, you're luckier than you thought, ain't you?
[laughing]
Well, that's why we came to LA-- to change all that.
And I had about a week to kill before starting
a new job up in Portland.
We're gonna look for movie stars.
Connie there says she's going to find Jack Nicholson
or die trying, right, sugar?
CONNIE: Oh!
[shattering]
Oh, Lord.
CONNIE: Shit!
God damn son of a bitch.
I'm sorry.
All right, Connie.
You said the S word, the G word, and the B word.
Uh, go get washed up.
- Ah, man. - Come on.
Let's go.
CONNIE: I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.
I know it was an accident.
It's just that, well, Alex picks up everything he hears, so.
Oh, oh, oh, we'll-- we'll watch ourselves,
won't we, honey?
So how'd you two meet?
Well, we used to eat at the same place all the time.
One day, I got up the nerve to go over to her table,
and the rest is history.
We're engaged, and we're gonna live happily
ever after, right, baby?
Mm-hmm.
So when's the big day?
Oh, it's real soon.
Well, we want to get our feet on solid ground first,
you know, get some money and a house
and get comfortable, like you and Richie are,
before we take the big leap.
But we are gonna get married.
[laughing]
Hey, Alex, do you like seafood?
ALEX: Yeah, I guess.
[connie laughing loudly]
"See food"-- get it?
[laughing]
I bet you thought all of Richie's family were stiffs.
It's 'cause my side got all the personality.
Well, Harry, you certainly have personality.
[door closing] RICHARD: Hello.
HARRY: Hey, look who's here!
KATE: Hi.
Little Richie Sullivan.
Well, now, I don't know why you don't recognize me.
I've done growed two feet and put on 70 pounds
since you saw me last.
[laughing]
Other than that, you look exactly the same.
How are you, Harry?
I can't complain, can't complain.
You look fine.
Well, yes.
Hey, hey, this'll take you back.
(SINGING) Camp Sea Breeze.
That's how they do it.
Don't that take you back?
This is my fianc e, Constance.
Oh, it's Connie.
Hi, Connie.
Nice to meet you.
Sea Breeze.
[laughing]
Wow.
See, I knew it and didn't even go to camp.
Yeah, very impressive.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, I'm sorry I'm so late.
So I hear you trying to drown the country in orange soda.
Yeah, well, I guess you could say that.
Harry's been entertaining us with lots of stories.
I'll get you a plate.
OK.
All wise, of course.
I about run out of gossip when you walked in.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry I missed it.
I haven't caught up with family business in a long time.
Well, hey, here.
Knock yourself out.
That's the family newsletter.
Cousin Pete still puts it out.
That's how I found out you was in California.
RICHARD: Is that right? - Uh-huh.
I used to get one of these every Christmas.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, look at that.
You see that?
They've got a article about our wedding.
This must be 10 years old?
Yeah.
I figured you'd want it for the family album.
RICHARD: Thanks.
So what brings you to Los Angeles?
Well, I got me a job up in Portland
and you all was right on the way, so.
Hey, Alex, you know the last time I saw your daddy,
he wasn't any bigger than you?
Yup.
ALEX: Is that really you guys?
It sure is--
like another lifetime.
God, look at that haircut.
[harry laughing]
Hey, Alex, you see them knots?
There wasn't nobody in the history
of Camp Sea Breeze that could ties knots like your old Uncle
Harry Young.
Now, wait a minute, Harry.
I did pretty well in the knot department.
Yeah?
Well, uh, who was it that took the Junior
Admiral's badge for knot tying there at Sea Breeze?
- You did. - Yeah.
And uh, and who won the Master Rigger's competition?
I want to know.
RICHARD: (LAUGHING) You did.
Who broke my arm, so I couldn't win anything more
than a couple hands of poker?
You know, I hadn't thought about that in years.
Did you do it on purpose?
(WHISPERING) Alex.
No, sir, I did not.
We was rasslin'.
Your daddy was whipping me good.
I guess he flipped when he should've flopped,
and it just happened.
I still feel bad about that.
A million years ago.
HARRY: I feel bad about it 'cause I love your daddy.
Oh, god.
[film slapping]
ALEX: Is that it?
Yep.
Show's over.
Time for bed.
Come on.
Hey.
[sighing]
All right. Come on.
Say good night. Let's go.
I'll be up in a minute.
Good night.
RICHARD: Night, Alex.
HARRY: Night, Alex.
So you'll stay with us, right?
Oh, no, no.
I've got one rule-- never impose on family.
Oh, it's no imposition.
No, we have plenty of room.
Mm-hmm.
Well, no.
Me and-- me and Connie, we kind of like it in that old camper,
if you know what I mean.
[both laughing]
[music playing]
What's this thing?
It's a lanyard.
I made it myself.
But I want you to have it.
You can hang your sports car keys on that thing.
Well, you can put anything on it.
That's very sweet of you, Connie.
Thank you.
Now, good nights all around.
Sweet dreams.
Good night.
[kissing]
Hey, Metalhead.
Yeah.
And I have the greatest collection in school.
Well, let's play 'em.
Now, we're both going to be around tomorrow.
You two can rock and roll your little heads off.
CONNIE: Yeah, OK. - Come on.
Now, lights out.
I'll pay for that bowl I broke.
I'm usually real good around the kitchen.
I'm just kind of tired from the trip.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I always turn into a complete zombie after a long road trip.
Well, I didn't say that.
Man, I envy you.
You know, I always have to work with my hands, you know?
But you're creative.
You use your brain instead of your back.
That's smart.
Well, sometimes I'm not so sure.
[scoffing]
You're doing great.
Anybody can see that.
Boy, she's a beauty.
Yeah.
Yeah, Alex and I are working on her kind
of as a father-son thing, although lately I
haven't had much time.
Hey, would you let me work on her while I'm here?
I've always dreamed of having a boat like this.
[laughing]
Well, I doubt very much if you dreamed about a tub like this.
But sure.
Have at it.
Aw, thanks, cuz.
You know, everything about your life just seems perfect--
I mean, this house and boat.
I just hope mine turns out half as good.
[clanking]
Well, old cousin Harry's a real interesting guy, isn't he?
OK, OK.
So the other side of my family is a little unusual.
Unusual?
It's like the Beverly Hillbillies
have moved into our yard.
[connie gasping and moaning]
CONNIE: Just hurry up, baby.
I can't stand it.
Where'd you put the pills?
I don't know!
A lot of your cousins married to each other?
You know, that-- that can result in some serious problems.
You know, just because they're a little different
is no reason to make fun of them.
OK, yes.
[laughing]
Come here.
Come here.
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
Swallow, sugar, swallow.
That's my girl.
Shh.
Honey, I'm really sorry, but I'm kind of tired tonight.
Yeah, me too.
[kate laughing]
I think we better--
You rest, baby.
[single pill rattling]
[breathing heavily]
[engine starting]
[ominous music playing]
[door opening]
[door slamming]
[metal clanking]
[thudding]
[dragging]
[engine rumbling]
Oh, gosh. I'm out of here.
I'll see you tonight.
Hey, can you try to make it early tonight?
Yeah, I'll do my best.
Connie, have a good one.
Bye-bye.
I'll try.
You sure do have a lot of beautiful things.
How much was this?
Oh, I made that.
Oh, like I make them lanyards.
Yeah, I guess so.
Maybe after breakfast, you'd like to see my studio?
OK.
Here you go.
Oh, no.
Just coffee.
I can't stomach any food in the morning.
Hey. Hey.
Where you going?
- To Billy and Andy's. - Uh-uh.
You're under house arrest.
Don't go beyond the yard.
[sighing]
God, punishing your kids is the hardest thing in the world.
Sometimes I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Sometimes you gotta hurt 'em to teach 'em.
Good gosh, doc, you got grounded for that?
I tell you, I've done things 10 times worse than that,
and I never got whooped or nothing.
Of course, most times, I didn't get caught.
Most of the time, I don't get caught, either.
(PIRATE-LIKE) Well done, matey.
Listen, me and Connie were thinking
about maybe going into town, having a look around.
We sure would like to have somebody show us the sights.
Of course, you have to break out of prison first.
I can break out.
I can climb down from my bedroom window.
Shh, shh, shh.
Don't let that information out, now.
Somebody's liable to rat on you.
I'll meet you under the window in 10 minutes, all right?
[suspenseful music playing]
[kate and connie murmuring]
You have to make it deeper, though.
But that's the general idea.
CONNIE: Uh-huh.
(MUMBLING) Eagle Rock Pharmacy.
[shattering]
(WHISPERING) Shit.
[water gurgling]
So you just open up the gas.
Yeah, uh-huh.
And hit start.
(LAUGHING) Whoa!
Fucking great.
That's one way to put it.
[dial tone buzzing]
[beeping]
Yes, Eagle Rock Pharmacy?
This is Dr. Thomas' office calling.
I need an emergency prescription for chlorpromazine.
Yes, patient's name is Akers--
A-K-E-R-S, first name Constance.
That's right.
500-milligram capsules.
The patient will be down this afternoon to pick them up.
My DEA number is 726453.
That's right.
Yes.
I'll follow up with a hard copy of the prescription right away.
Uh-huh.
Thanks.
Wow.
Look at this.
This is kind of holy or something.
[laughing]
Hardly.
I think it's the stained glass.
Yeah, it still looks like church to me.
Boy, this place is nice.
I never been inside a real artist's studio before.
KATE: Thanks, Harry.
Look at all these pretty things.
It sure is easy to see you are one talented individual.
Come on, sugar.
We got some errands to run.
KATE: You need directions? - No, no.
We got a map.
KATE: Well, don't get lost.
I'll just ask people where Woodbriar Road is.
Uh, Briarwood.
HARRY: Briarwood.
(SINGING) Yeah, my mama told me not to play with fire.
Can't go wrong here.
It's got--
[harry chuckling]
Watch out, young feller.
Don't fall and bust your sacroiliac.
Come on.
You can jump from there.
Come on.
Ho!
Hop up there.
Connie's waiting for us in the getaway car.
If you run, run long.
Baby, I'm a rock n' roll outlaw.
Baby, I'm a rock n' roll outlaw.
HARRY: Sure do appreciate what you're
doing for us, Miss Simms.
Thanks a lot.
That's my job.
Northwest is a beautiful place.
We have great listings.
I'm sure we'll find you a home you'll love.
Hey, could you do us a favor and take a picture of us
together?
It's kind of a big day for us.
Hey.
We're gonna have our picture taken.
What?
Just stand right there.
Wait, uh, trade places with me.
MISS SIMMS: Smile.
[camera clicking]
[music playing]
[rock music blaring]
(SINGING) She was a foxy human with a strong desire.
Yeah, my mama told me not to--
Hey, Alex, you've been playing the same album all morning.
Give it a break.
Hey.
(SINGING) After nights.
Well, something round here doesn't feel quite right.
What'll I do?
Yeah, she's got--
[connie sighing]
[alarm ringing]
Oh.
Oh, god.
[laughing]
Jesus, what's taking so long?
ALEX: They're too dark.
A prescription for Akers.
Constance?
Mm-hmm.
It's my fiance. She's right there.
Oh.
That'll be $22.60.
I'll take care of these people.
Is, uh, is there a problem?
100 capsules is an unusually large dosage of chlorpromazine.
Yeah, well, this ain't our first time.
I think I better call the doctor and double-check on it.
Son, if you're not buying, put them back where you got them.
You know, we got money for whatever he wants.
ADELE: Mr. Williams, can you talk to Mrs. Gomez?
I'll only be a minute.
Yes? - Shit.
I'll have to do this myself.
Put it back.
MR. WILLIAMS: Well, we're open until 8:00.
The package will be ready. Yes, thank you.
I'm sorry, but this is a very strong drug.
Do you have the doctor's number, by any chance?
No.
No, I don't.
I'm sorry.
I'll look it up.
Adele-- Adele, call the fire department.
There's a truck on fire outside.
[menacing music playing]
[crickets chirping]
[connie crying]
Shh.
Now, now.
Well, uh, you need us to call somebody?
Oh, thanks, Rich.
There's nothing can be done.
There's not much point.
We didn't have a lick of insurance, anyway.
It was everything that we had.
What are we gonna do now?
We got nothing left.
Oh, now, we'll make do.
We'll do all right.
What are we gonna do now?
Well--
We'd be happy to put you up in a hotel.
Oh, well, thanks, Katherine June, but--
No, no, no.
They can stay here.
I mean, we've got plenty of room.
Oh, no, now.
We're not going to be any more trouble
to you than we've already been.
Oh, come on.
After all the stuff you've been through today, forget it, OK?
You stay here with us.
Well, you two are so sweet.
Now we have to figure out why Alex was out of the house.
Say good night, Alex.
Good night.
HARRY: Night, partner.
ALEX: Harry said he needed some help with some stuff.
Oh, so you decided to sneak out.
Good thinking, Alex. - Yeah, not very smart, Alex.
Hey, Rich?
RICHARD: Hey.
Well, I never did see how anybody could figure
out one of them computers.
Well, you just, uh, follow the instruction book.
Oh, my gosh.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Listen, uh, you know, with the truck burning and all,
it looks like we're going to be underfoot for a little longer
than we planned--
but no longer than a week.
I promise you.
You take all the time you need.
We're going to have some friends in for a little party
on Saturday, so you'll be here for that.
Oh, well.
Thank you.
That'd be nice.
Thank you.
Uh, Harry, you know, if I'm punishing my son,
it doesn't help things if you tell him it's all right for him
to sneak out of the house.
Well, I'd never do that.
[ominous music playing]
Alex asked me if he could go along, and I said sure.
If I'd known he was being punished,
I'd have told him to mind his folks.
Alex told me a slightly different version.
Well, that's the way it happened.
But you know kids.
They get the devil in 'em.
You remember when you and me was at Camp Sea Breeze,
and we'd go out at night and hit golf
balls at the counselor's house?
You put one right through the window.
[laughing]
Oh, kids.
Well.
I've smoothed things over with Richard.
Now you do the same thing with Kate.
Go on, now.
Hurry up.
Hey, Kate.
Me and Harry don't want to be any hassle for you.
I mean, 'cause--
I mean, that's not why we came, so.
[laughing]
We'll be gone soon.
Well, I'm just glad nobody got hurt.
Oh, flowered sheets.
[moaning]
Alex is a child, and they are adults.
They should know better.
And if they don't, I don't want them in the house.
RICHARD: I already talked to him,
and I'm sure that it won't happen again.
Well, it better not.
Did you break something in the sink?
No, why?
Have you seen my face cream?
RICHARD: No.
Someone's been in our medicine chest.
So?
What are you saying?
[kissing]
Honey. Honey.
CONNIE: What?
I got to talk to you about something.
You shouldn't have done what you did today.
It got me the pills, didn't it?
And it got us inside.
You have got to calm down.
We've got to take this thing one step at a time.
We are.
No, we're not.
[sighing]
You're not being patient.
You're rushing things.
I'm not.
You are.
Turn the light out, Connie.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen it about a million times.
Now turn out the light.
Turn off the light.
Constance.
[clicking]
Also, I want you to be nice to Kate.
I was.
OK.
You was.
You know, you said you would get us brand new lives
and make us respectable people.
And you promised to make me a wife and mother.
Just what do you think I'm doing, huh?
I wasn't just doing arts and crafts in that hospital.
I've had a lot of quiet time to figure out how to do this.
Now, we've got to do it the way I figured it.
No more surprises.
Now, come here and give me some sugar.
Come on.
Give me some sugar.
[kissing]
More better sugar.
Come on.
[water spraying]
Rich, I'm glad I caught you.
Me and Connie got a couple errands we need to run today.
Wonder if we could steal the car from you?
Well, you don't have to steal it.
Um, why don't you take Katie's car?
I'm sure she can spare it for a while.
Check with her first, though, all right?
Oh, yeah. I will.
I will.
RICHARD: Keys are by the front door.
All right.
Have a nice day.
Thanks for the clothes.
Uh, yeah, I guess this would be OK for wearing around town.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, you probably need a pair of jeans and a--
Um, is there anything I can wear at night in case
me and Harry want to go out?
Like-- [gasping]
--something nice.
[ominous music playing]
(WHISPERING) Yes!
That should look nice on you.
Well, it's a little long.
But I guess I could shorten it.
That would do it.
[knocking]
Ladies, how do I look?
Hey.
HARRY: Oh, my gosh.
Look at you.
Woo-hoo-hoo, sugar baby, you look good enough
to eat with a spoon.
Well, we got to hurry.
Listen, uh, Richie said it'd be all right
if I used your car today, said you wouldn't be using it.
But I have things to do.
Well, if it's a problem.
Well-- well, what time will you be back?
I have to pick up Alex by 3:00.
We'll be back at 2:30. How's that?
Sure.
OK.
Would you, uh, get me?
CLERK: Do you have any ID at all?
Everything was in the wallet.
Um, I have my birth certificate
and video rental card.
CLERK: Anything with your current address?
Uh, a phone bill and a check--
both our names and address.
Just stand in line, and they'll take your picture.
When will he get his new license?
Replacing a lost license takes about a week.
A week-- Harry.
Sugar, we're not gonna leave until we're ready.
Look in the lens, Mr. Sullivan.
[clicking]
HARRY: Oooh, look at all these pretty pictures.
ALEX: Hey, Uncle Harry.
There's the big businessman.
How you doing?
Fine.
This is where I'm busting my butt.
Oh, it is? MARCIE: Hi.
I'm Marcie.
Hi, there.
I'm Alex's Uncle Harry.
And that's my girlfriend, Connie.
Fianc e.
- Fianc e. - Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
HARRY: All good, I hope.
Absolutely.
How much is this?
MARCIE: $1,000.
It's just beautiful.
Oh, god, I gotta have it.
I just gotta have it, Harry.
It'd just be perfect in the new house.
Well, we'll just have to find some way to get it.
How about buying it?
Well, now, there's a way I hadn't thought of yet.
[laughing]
How about it, big man?
You done for the day? - I don't know.
Marcie, am I done?
- Sure. - All right.
Let's take off. Nice to meet you.
MARCIE: Nice to meet you.
Bye, Marcie.
Hey, you hold real still, partner.
[whipping noise]
Connie, I didn't know you were back.
You wanted us back before 3:00.
We picked up Alex.
What?
Mom says I'm not old enough to shave.
She does?
You see that peach fuzz I'm getting off of you?
You're a real man, buddy.
Don't you let anybody ever tell you any different.
Dad uses an electric shaver.
Well, real men like you and me, we're--
we're few and far between these days.
KATE: What do you think you're doing?
ALEX: Harry's teaching me how to shave.
All right, young man.
You go downstairs and finish setting the table, please.
Right now.
Shit.
I was just showing him how to shave, Katherine June.
Hell, I had somebody shaving me.
I wasn't gonna cut him.
I'll tell you what, Harry, why don't we
let my son get through puberty before we have him shaven, OK?
OK. He's your boy, Katherine June.
That's right.
And when I say I'm going to pick him up, I mean it.
Oh, I thought that'd be a nice surprise.
I don't like surprises when it comes to Alex.
[crickets chirping]
[ice cubes clinking]
[knocking]
Can I buy you a drink?
[glasses clattering]
Why not?
There.
Nothing's coming together.
I am stuck.
Nowhere to go.
Hit the wall.
I'm fucked.
Well, here's to being fucked.
[both laughing]
(MUMBLING) Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
You know what I think you need?
I think you need to let off a little steam.
What do you say? - Mmm.
Huh?
[music playing]
Nyuk, nyuk.
You got a driving range right here in your backyard,
don't you?
Alex and I come here all the time, this park.
[whacking]
Kiss that baby goodbye.
[laughing]
May I please speak to Pete Young?
Oh, Mr. Young, this is Katherine Sullivan.
Yes, sir, all the way out in California.
[whacking]
Whoa.
You know, Harry, I gotta ask you something.
Were-- either you or, um, Connie in our bathroom, by any chance?
Oh, well, uh, I went in there to find out
what kind of perfume Kate uses.
I was going to get her a bottle to surprise her.
Sorry about that.
So you haven't heard from Harry in 10 years?
But don't you send him your newsletter?
Oh, I see.
[grunting]
[laughing]
You know, I may be doing my thinking with my little head
instead of my big one, but I always remember the ads that
have got some sex in 'em-- you know, a pretty
girl with not much clothes on.
You know, better than the funny ones or the marching bands--
that kind of stuff.
Orange soda and sex, that's what--
Yeah, yeah.
Now, you're the head man.
But I'm just putting my two cents' worth in.
Orange soda and sex.
[harry gargling]
OK.
I'll propose that to my client.
Nyuk, nyuk.
[laughing]
[whacking]
Oh!
I talked to your cousin, Pete, who hasn't heard
a word from Harry in 10 years--
and neither has anyone else.
Doesn't that seem strange to you,
that Mr. Family suddenly drops out of sight?
You talked to my cousin, Pete?
Yes, while you were out reliving
your childhood with Harry.
[sighing]
Very funny.
Well, Katie, that doesn't prove a thing.
I haven't talked to Pete in 15 years.
God damn it, something is going on.
Why won't you listen? - OK.
All right!
You know--
(WHISPERING) Richard!
I will talk to them tomorrow, and I'll find out when they're
going to leave, all right?
[sighing]
[suspenseful music playing]
Well, hell, you're not offending me.
I know how close it's been in there.
No.
Me and Connie just have a couple things to tend to,
and we'll be out of your hair.
Thanks for understanding.
Oh, Rich, you've been great.
You've been just great.
I know we've-- we've been a burden to you.
Don't worry about it.
You sure you don't mind me using your car?
'Cause I can make other arrangements if you do.
No, no, that's all right.
It's best for everybody.
Just, uh, don't get lost.
No, no.
I'll just ask everybody where Woodbriar is.
RICHARD: Briarwood. - Briarwood.
Briarwood.
No.
You know, we told you what we wanted.
This is it right here.
We don't want anything else.
MISS SIMMS: Well, this exact house might
be a little tough to find.
I hope you understand, Miss Simms, if you can't find
the dream house for me and my wife and son,
then we'll have to find someone who can.
And they can get all our fucking money.
Give me a couple days, all right?
Appreciate your help.
What you got there, son?
It's a car wash on Sunday.
Bring the flier and you get a free wax.
Yeah, well we ain't interested.
And next time, you just keep your filthy little hands
off our car.
[car door slamming]
This country is about to drown in orange soda.
Thank you, darlin'.
Mm, excuse me, everybody. Wait a minute.
I have something to say.
And it's all because my dear cousin
here made me hit some golf balls in the middle of the night.
Well, I need another drink for that-- that toast.
Waitress!
I think you're fine, baby.
I think you're just fine.
Yeah.
It's just bad luck if I don't have a drink, so.
KATE: Here you go.
I want one of my own.
OK.
Um, everybody's set.
All right, Harry, I don't know what else to say,
except I owe you one.
Thank you.
Salud.
Well, I'm going to toast the Sullivans for making us
feel like part of the family.
Of course, I guess we are.
I wish Alex was here.
I think I'm going to go give him a call.
HARRY: Uh, Alex is fine, baby.
Well, I miss him, and I--
He's with Marcie.
They get along really well.
Well, Alex and I get along really well, too.
Of course you do, honey.
That's what family's all about.
Honey, did, uh, did you forget to do something tonight?
- Get your hands off me. - Huh?
Did you.
I believe you did.
So you really like family togetherness, don't you, Harry?
Oh, it is the best thing in this world.
Well, maybe you should give your cousin, Pete, a call.
He hasn't heard from you in 10 years,
and he's real curious about what you've been up to.
That newsletter you showed us was about 10 years old,
wasn't it? [chuckling nervously]
Well, you know cousin Pete.
His memory's kind of going on him.
I talk to him every week.
Well, maybe he needs a transplant of the brain.
[both laughing]
Well, you really should call him
and tell him what your plans are so he can tell the family.
Everybody's real interested in what you're up to.
Why, I told him we were moving a week ago.
We'll be right back.
Honey, come on. Here it is.
Here it is.
CONNIE: No!
You don't care about me, you son of a bitch!
That's not true.
Open your mouth.
Come on.
Swallow.
[gasping]
That's it.
Shh.
Shh.
[panting]
I love you.
I love you.
You know I do.
(WHISPERING) Come on, now.
We're gonna have everything we want, just like we planned.
[whimpering]
But you've got to take these pills.
You've got to take them three times a day, Connie.
[knocking]
KATE: Connie?
Shit.
I want to go home.
KATE: Everything all right?
Yeah, Connie's just not feeling herself tonight.
Thanks for checking, Katherine June.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Rich, I owe you and Kate a big apology about tonight.
See, Connie just recently lost both her parents,
and she's had a lot of trouble dealing with it.
Doc put her on some medication, and she's
not supposed to drink with it.
And you saw what happens when she does.
I should have been watching her better, and I'm sorry.
I really am.
You won't be putting up with us much longer.
I promise you that.
Harry said that she was on medication.
It's too much, Richard.
Lookit, they're going to need some time
to get it together to leave. - Whatever.
But I don't want them spending any more time with Alex.
OK.
You and The Metalheads get some sleep.
[kissing]
Night.
Oh, Alex, how many times do I have
to tell you to put your monsters away so I don't break my leg?
Sorry, Mom.
Marcie says you've been a big help.
Your dad and I are proud of you.
So does that mean I'm not grounded anymore?
Ha!
Nice try.
You know, if I were you, I--
You're not.
And please don't smoke in my house.
[crickets chirping]
[door opening]
[dreamy music playing]
[door closing]
I think that Alex kind of looks like me.
I mean, our color's different, but our eyes are kind
of the same, don't you think?
Well, yeah, you both got two of 'em.
Hey, he could be ours.
Family just ain't a family without a child.
HARRY: I know, honey.
I'm gonna take care of that.
I'd like that.
Oh.
[suspenseful music playing]
Hi, this is Kate Sullivan.
Can you tell me about a drug called chlorpromazine?
Oh, I see.
Well, when the pharmacist gets back,
would you have him call me at 555-9876?
Thanks.
Bye.
Where you going?
Me and Alex are going to go to the park.
Alex has work today.
Yeah.
I better go with my mom.
So where does this one go?
Back with the others, sweetie.
OK.
You're damn right you should have that drug checked out.
If that girl's strung out, you don't want her hanging around.
Oh, I know.
I mean, Richard's oblivious.
He's so busy reliving his childhood.
Well, if he doesn't grow up fast,
you'll be spending Christmas dinner with them.
[phone ringing]
KATE, RICHARD, ALEX (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hi.
We're the Sullivans.
ALEX (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): We're not here.
RICHARD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Leave a message.
KATE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): We'll call you back.
[beeping]
MR. WILLIAMS (ON ANSWERING MACHINE):
Mrs. Sullivan, this is Mr. Williams
at the Eagle Rock Pharmacy.
It's important that we talk.
I can tell you about chlorpromazine,
but it's strange you should call.
We had an incident here and, uh, - Harry!
MR. WILLIAMS (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Just call me.
- Good night, Adele. - Goodnight, Mr. Williams.
Ah!
Howdy.
All we wanted was a little medicine.
Ah!
[slamming]
[mr. williams yelling]
MR. WILLIAMS: I'll give you anything you want!
[crashing]
CONNIE: You're a liar, Mister!
[wailing]
[gasping]
You know, it must be awfully tempting working
around all these drugs, hmm?
Let's give him some of the stuff they used to give me.
No, you don't want to slow him down.
Get the potassium.
Where?
HARRY: Under P. That'll throw his heart into overdrive
and won't leave a trace.
You know where I learned that?
On TV.
I got it. Can I do it?
Mm-hmm.
Now, I'm gonna have to hold you real still
while my fianc e has her fun.
[mr. williams whimpering]
[dark music playing]
[yelling]
Don't step on him.
CONNIE: What are you doing that for?
It's a little peace offering.
[fountain trickling]
[muted conversations]
[soft music playing]
KATE: Hey, hey.
Hey.
Kate, boy, this is nice.
Thanks.
Sorry we're so late getting here.
And I know I've been kind of a pain in the butt.
But, well, I heard this is a kind you like.
Oh, um, thanks, Harry.
HARRY: Oh, I could use a beer.
Never thought I'd have to eat with another plastic fork
and knife as long as I lived.
Hey, you know, where I come from,
if you don't wait for everybody else to eat,
you don't get to eat at all.
I really can't stand people that don't have good manners.
[rattling]
You got some pretty scary people in your family tree.
HARRY: Miss Sims, this house is absolutely perfect.
I knew you'd love it.
But we've got to make an offer right away.
You just tell me how much you need and who needs it.
[suspenseful music playing]
BILL: This campaign's going to take us through until spring,
if that's not a problem with you.
Why would it be?
BILL: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Your contract runs another two years,
and I found out that you're looking for another job
right now.
What?
You may not know this, but Jed Crawford
of Crawford, David & Lane in Portland
is a close friend of mine.
He faxed me this letter you sent them.
I'm holding off sending copies to the legal department.
I didn't send this letter.
Portland.
I don't know anybody there.
Technically, you're in breach of contract.
Wait a minute.
What the hell, Bill?
I told you, I don't--
I didn't send this letter.
If you were unhappy, I wish you
would have come to me first.
(WHISPERING) What?
Woodbriar.
[harry whistling]
Come here, little homemaker.
[door opening]
There's our artist.
How about a little celebration?
Care to tell me who Frank Drummond is?
Frank-- I never heard of him.
He a member of the family?
Must be.
You have his wallet.
Oh, oh, oh, Frank Drummond.
That's that-- that's that hitchhiker we picked up.
Yeah, he left his wallet in the truck.
I've been meaning to send that thing back to him.
Maybe we should call him and tell him we have it.
He must be worried about it.
Well--
Jesus Christ, here it comes.
Hear what comes, Connie?
You know, if you guys weren't family,
I would have thrown you out a long time ago.
So why don't you just get the hell out of my house?
Well, now, we'd like to, Katherine June,
but we've got a couple more things we got to do first.
I'll have Richard deal with this.
No, you're not.
[punching]
Connie.
KATE: Uh!
[struggling]
[crashing]
[grunting]
[moaning]
[beeping]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[music coming from headphones] - Come on.
Come on.
Pick up, Katie.
Betty, would you get me a cab, please?
[footsteps]
What would any man want to make a home with that?
Get down here, Constance.
Would you act like a grown woman?
Hold her ankles together.
Nothing is going according to plan.
[sighing]
Have to rethink everything, so we can get around her, now.
I don't know why your plan is so fucking smart all the time,
'cause it's shit, and it don't work.
Why don't you just kill her?
She and Richie will be buried on the road
when the time is right.
We're going to need them before that.
Go see about Alex.
I don't want him in the house when Richie comes home.
Fine.
We'll get some ice cream.
Bring me some pralines and cream, all right?
KATE: Harry.
[exhaling]
(WHISPERING) Where's Alex?
He's fine.
Oh.
If you or Connie do anything to hurt him,
I swear, I'll kill you both.
[grunting]
HARRY: Now, you just stay calm, Katherine June, OK?
Me and Connie got some business to take care of,
and we're going to need your help, all right?
Now, turn over for me.
[moaning]
That's it.
I'll do my best to control Connie,
but I tell you what-- if you cause any trouble,
I don't know.
Ain't no telling what she gonna do.
[grunting]
(WHISPERING) Goodness.
[kate moaning]
Now, you just got to trust me, Katherine June, OK?
Trust me to do right by you.
RICHARD: Kate?
Hey, Rich.
Where is everybody?
Where's Kate?
Oh, upstairs, I reckon, doin' something.
Alex?
I don't know where he is.
He's around here somewhere.
What the hell's going on here?
Well, I was going to tell you.
Tell me what?
Well, things just haven't been going the way we planned.
[grunting]
[thudding]
Sorry about this, cuz.
You'll remember I got my badge for these knots.
You know, it feels good to put something you learned to use.
[chuckling]
Oh, I'm sorry about this, Richie.
But it's time I start a family of my own.
You know, 10 years in that hospital
is a long time to covet something.
Those doctors told me I can be anybody I want to be.
And I want to be you, Richie.
So Uncle Harry, where did Mom and Dad go?
[loud music playing]
Well, your cousin Pete got sick,
and your mom and dad went to be with him.
That's weird.
They didn't tell me anything.
(SINGING) Don't want your kissing.
You don't miss 'em, do you?
Don't want your alibis.
Nah.
Don't want you, honey, speaking to the other guys.
I'm tired of waiting, waiting for the this heart attack.
I'm getting out.
I'm tired of looking back.
Oh.
Ready for love 'cause someone needs it.
Oh, save the love for someone who needs it.
Don't try to tease me, baby, baby, baby, no.
Yeah.
[knocking]
Harry!
Harry.
This train is rolling, headed to another track.
Evening, officer.
Excuse me, sir.
We've had complaints about some loud music.
We're just having a little family celebration.
Why don't you just keep the music down, all right?
I'll do that very thing as soon as I close this door.
Night.
For someone who needs it.
Oh.
[grunting]
[crying]
You mean I get to stay up all night?
You're a big man now.
You go to bed when you want to.
Yeah, just turn the lights out when you crash.
[music from headphones]
[lock clattering]
It's not his signature.
That's not the problem.
I can do that.
We just don't know what we might need them for until we leave.
Yeah, well, they'll cooperate, baby.
And we could have been real rough on them, and we weren't.
So they got no complaints.
And we get to do it in the master bedroom.
[music playing]
[moaning]
I love you, Connie.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Now we really are Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan.
Oh, baby, it's perfect, just perfect.
[banging]
[banging]
[clattering]
[sighing in sleep]
[door opening]
CONNIE: God damn you to hell!
You are not going anywhere.
I told you that.
And you've gotta start doing what you're told.
What do you think I am, your fucking maid?
It's just like you do these things on purpose.
Well, my doctor had a way of making people
do what they're supposed to do.
Sometimes you just gotta hurt people to teach 'em.
It hurts to learn right from wrong.
But you have to learn it.
And I had to. Why shouldn't you?
A woman like you has no idea about my life,
what I've been through.
You have a husband and a beautiful little boy.
And they were just given to you.
Why shouldn't I have 'em?
[knife clattering]
Life just ain't fair.
[zapping]
[moaning]
No, baby.
Uh-uh.
You don't wanna do that right now.
Come on, sugar.
Put 'em down.
Put 'em down now, sug.
Come on.
Come on.
That's my girl.
That's my girl.
She was being bad.
I was just trying to teach her right from wrong.
I know you were, baby.
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
Come on.
Here we go.
Now, then, Katherine June, you get you some rest.
You've got a busy day tomorrow, OK?
[humming]
ALEX: Connie!
Harry!
No, no.
No problem at all.
No, you just stay as long as you want to.
Mm-hmm.
We'll look after Alex.
Yeah.
Is that my mom and dad?
No, no, no, fine.
Fine.
We'll see you soon.
Wha-- I wanted to talk to them.
Hey, they're coming down on the next plane.
And guess what?
You get to go to the airport and meet 'em.
Watcha making?
Homemade chocolate chip muffins.
And I went to a lot of trouble. Boop.
I like blueberry muffins.
That's what my mom makes.
Yeah.
Now, you're going to have chocolate.
Oh, god damn it!
Son of a bitch!
Fuck!
You expect me to eat that?
(SINGSONG) Uncle Harry to the rescue.
Look what I got here.
All right!
Barbecue for breakfast.
Yeah.
[clattering]
And, uh, guess what?
Today is pretend Sunday.
You don't have to go work at that job today.
Cool.
Did you go through all the family stuff?
Yeah.
Harry, I don't want to memorize a bunch of stupid facts
about all these people.
Connie, we are these people.
Now, if people ask us questions, we're going
to have to have answers, right?
Richard Sullivan has just resigned and is free to go
anywhere he wants to.
[laughing]
Where's my son?
My boy sees who I want him to.
And right now, he's busy.
You've got to run errands with Harry.
I want you to look presentable.
Oh, god, I wish this lipstick was broken glass.
[video game zapping]
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, you whooped me again, Alex.
Grr.
Where you going?
Come on, Alex.
We're going to hit the park.
Well, what do you think, huh?
Sharp as a wet mouse?
I always said Richie had good taste.
Where's Alex?
Alex is just fine.
We're taking care of him just like he was our own.
Lean forward, honey.
What about Richard?
Richard will be all right, just as long as you
do just exactly like I say.
Now, then, come on.
Upsy-daisy.
Now, you are going to have to do just exactly like I
say with no trouble at all.
'Cause if we're not back by 6 o'clock,
Connie's going to cut Richard and Alex's throats.
[ominous music playing]
[dinging]
[engine starting]
We're never going to make it home in time.
Well, we'll just have to do the best we can.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
And how are you today? HARRY: Just fine.
How are you? - Fine, thanks.
What can I do for you?
I'd like to close that account.
Oh.
I hope we didn't do anything wrong.
No, no.
We're-- we're moving out of town.
That sounds exciting.
Here.
Would you just sign where I made the X, please?
HARRY: We'd like this in cash, if that's OK.
Um, I'm going to have to check the signature card.
I'll be right back, OK?
You'll never get away with this.
You have been seen too much with the two of us.
Well, I'll admit things have taken an unexpected turn
for the worse.
But I'm optimistic.
You're crazy.
That's all there is to it, isn't it?
No.
We, uh, took one of life's little detours, Connie and I.
But I promised her a family and a home.
And we haven't, uh, had the opportunities
other folks have had.
So I just decided we'd take yours.
Do you have some form of identification, Mrs. Sullivan?
Is there a problem?
The signature doesn't exactly match up.
I need to be sure.
I'm sorry.
Here.
Thank you.
Your social security number?
Uh, 898579231.
Could you give me that again?
Damn it.
What is the problem?
Now, she's doing the best she can, hon.
That's 898579231.
OK.
That checks out OK.
But I'm going to have to have our assistant manager, Mr.
Wolf, check this all out, OK?
He's in a meeting right now, but he should be done very shortly.
If you don't mind waiting over there.
Well, we don't have time to wait.
Well, it won't be too long, will it?
No, no, no.
He should be done shortly. - OK.
TELLER: Thank you.
[whirring]
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Can we take them outside and crash 'em?
Um, sure.
Let's go.
[sinister music playing]
Alex, I just remembered.
I'm supposed to make a phone call,
so I'll meet you outside in a few minutes.
Are you calling my mom?
No, I'm not calling your mom.
I'm calling somebody else.
[doorbell ringing]
[doorbell ringing]
[whirring]
Hello?
Katie?
Hello?
What the hell are you doing here?
Where's Katie?
Well, she ain't here.
You know, you ought to try calling first.
That's the polite way.
I tried.
Yeah, well, what do you want?
Katie was supposed to bring Alex to work this morning.
He never showed.
Huh.
Well, he don't like working for you no more, so he quit.
This is crazy.
I'm talking to Alex.
You are not talking to my son.
What?
[grunting]
[gasping]
[panting]
Connie?
[crashing]
Connie?
Connie!
Hey, Connie!
Connie!
Harry!
Quit yelling, Alex.
I'm just right here.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing's going on.
Go on back outside, OK?
Did you break that plant?
Yes, I did.
So what?
Mom and Dad are going to be pissed.
It was just a stupid plant!
Then you go on up to your room.
ALEX: Let me go!
You're going to start obeying me, OK?
ALEX: Stop.
CONNIE: Start listening to me, stop being a brat.
ALEX: Stop it!
Get off of me!
CONNIE: You get in there.
You get in there, and you stay quiet.
ALEX: Leave me alone!
[door slamming]
Mrs. Sullivan, Mr. Sullivan, I'm Mr. Wharf.
Say, I'm sorry it's taking so long,
but we have to be careful.
Hope you understand.
Oh, we do, and we appreciate it.
You look familiar to me.
I've seen you around here, haven't I?
Yeah, I recognize you, too.
Will this take long?
No, no, it shouldn't.
You'd be surprised how many forgeries the tellers pick up.
They really have to stay on their toes.
But I'll get you out of here.
Cashier's check OK?
Uh, cash would-- would be perfect.
Well, that's a lot to carry around.
Be careful. - We know.
We will.
[door slamming]
HARRY: Connie?
You don't have to yell.
I'm right here.
KATE: Alex!
Richard!
Where's Marcie?
I saw her car outside.
What?
Look, Katherine-- no problems, no trouble.
Where's my son?
CONNIE: Whose son?
Ah, Connie, look here.
I got the money.
What have you done with my son?
Katherine June, please don't do this.
Where's my son, you little tramp?
Oh, you--
Get over there and sit down.
[grunting]
OK, look what I've got for us.
Where's my son, you bitch?
HARRY: Damn it, I said stay over there.
I mean it.
Now, I need to ask you something, sugar.
Do you have something you need to tell me, huh?
You certain?
Oh, my god.
Yeah, I reckon there is.
You animal!
What did you have to kill her for?
CONNIE: 'Cause she had it coming.
Oh, give me a break.
Now we've got to do everything right now.
[grunting]
Oh, shit!
God damn!
[yelling] [smacking]
Ah!
CONNIE: Harry!
Oh, my god, Alex.
[alex moaning]
Oh, Alex.
Alex, do you know where your father is?
No.
No.
Oh!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my head.
[grunting]
KATE: OK.
You listen to me.
I know that you can climb down the window, OK?
God.
I want you to go over to the neighbor's, and I want
you to call the police, OK?
You go right now. No.
Alex, you've got to go. - You're coming with me.
No, I can't. I have to find your dad.
Come on. - OK.
Mr. Benson!
Mr. Benson, please!
Oh, god.
The kid's out.
I'll get him.
You get Kate.
ALEX: Mr. Benson!
KATE: Oh!
[grunting]
[crashing]
[grunting]
[window shattering]
[beeping]
[grunting]
Hey, what are you doing out of the house, Alex?
You're supposed to be grounded.
[muted yelling]
[clanging]
Oh!
[shrieking]
[thumping]
[panting]
[crashing]
[alex struggling]
Shit.
[screaming]
CONNIE: Save me!
HARRY: Connie!
Alex!
Dad, I set off Mr. Benson's burglar alarm.
(WHISPERING) I want you out of here.
Go on!
[screaming]
Connie!
Oh.
Don't.
[growling]
[yelling]
[whacking]
[grunting]
[whacking]
[grunting]
Hey, stop!
Mister!
I'm the one who called you!
I'm the one who set off the alarm!
KATE: Oh.
[police radio chatter]
You keep in touch now, hear?
[engine starting]
[siren blaring]
[music playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[tires screeching]
(QUIETLY) Go around back.
Give me one minute.
Whosever in there, it's the police!
Come out, now!
Hands up!
[glass breaking]
I heard a crash. I'm going in.
[crashing]
[robotic voice]
[whirring]
[shattering]
[creaking]
Hey, Benson, eat me.
[dog door rustling]
Mr. Benson, up yours.
Stuff it.
Hey, I was just testing Mr. Benson's burglar alarm
to see if it worked or not.
Boy, you wouldn't believe how easy it was to get in.
I'm trying to help, like a neighborhood watch.
OFFICER: Pretty impressive, kid.
Yeah, it took me a month to build.
MR. BENSON: What's going on here?
What is this?
Do you live here, sir?
Yes, I do.
My door!
My house!
You little anarchist.
[doorbell ringing]
Hi, Mom.
The police bringing you home is getting
to be a real habit, Alex.
You better set a record getting ready for bed.
[phone ringing] - But it's still light out.
I can see that.
Now.
ALEX: What are you mad at me for?
KATE: Hello?
Even Dad calls Benson a tight-ass.
Uh, just-- just one second.
I don't need your mouth.
I'm sorry.
I was talking to my son.
Can we start over?
HARRY (ON PHONE): Does that pretty voice belong
to Katherine June Sullivan?
Well, yes, this is Katherine.
HARRY (ON PHONE): You'll never guess
who this is in a million years-- your cousin, Harold Young.
Cousin Harold?
HARRY (ON PHONE): You all moved to California
before we had a chance to meet.
But I've heard plenty about Richie's beautiful wife.
Oh, uh, thank you.
HARRY (ON PHONE): How's Richie?
Can I talk to him?
Uh, well, he's just fine. But he's not here.
He usually works late.
I'm sorry you missed him.
HARRY (ON PHONE): He ain't gonna miss me.
I'm coming your way tomorrow, and I wanted to hook up
with Richie and kiss the bride.
You still live on Woodbriar Road?
It's Briarwood.
HARRY (ON PHONE): Briarwood. OK.
See you tomorrow, cousin. Bye.
No, wait. What-- what time?
[dial tone]
This is stupid.
No.
Screwing with Mr. Benson is stupid.
[door closing]
HARRY: My folks just can't wait to see us.
CONNIE: Well, I'm just dying to meet them, too.
You got some of that for me?
You just gotta say the magic word.
- Please? - Uh-uh.
Wrong word.
Oh, yeah?
[kissing]
[laughing]
OK.
OK.
I got it, huh?
Oh, LA is such a long way off, baby,
and I'm so tired of hitching rides.
Oh.
[ominous music playing]
When, uh-- when you gonna learn to trust me?
Hey, partner.
Whew.
It's hotter than hell on a Christmas day, isn't it?
Nice camper.
This thing got air?
RICHARD: Oh, I'm not saying that he shouldn't be punished.
But kids get into trouble.
It's their job.
Yeah, well, your son seems to be making a habit out of it.
When I was Alex's age, I did worse things than this,
and I turned out all right.
You know, mischief's just a part of growing up.
Yeah, well, I don't think the cops call it mischief.
RICHARD: He's just a smart kid with way
too much energy who should be asleep right now, by the way.
[laughing]
You've got to stop sending Alex mixed signals.
I'm the one that punishes him.
And then, you come home and play with him,
and Mom ends up being the bad guy again.
Alex doesn't think that.
Oh, come on.
He knows you'll go easy on him. - All right, Katie.
I will lay down the law with him tomorrow.
And then you won't be the only villain, all right?
Can't you just be here for him a little more?
That'd be best.
Well, it's not by choice I'm away from you guys so much.
I mean, this client is driving me crazy.
He's impossible to deal with.
Well, I hope you're going to be home when your cousin,
Harold, gets here tomorrow.
Who?
Harold Young.
Harold Young.
No.
Yeah, he called and said he was on his way.
- I don't believe it. - Well, believe it.
I'd say he was from the deep-fried side of the family.
Harold Young.
We used to go to Camp Sea Breeze together.
I couldn't have been more than seven or eight years old.
I wouldn't recognize him now if he fell on me.
He sounds like a real charmer.
Great.
This is what I need.
Dad, this says $185.
That's right-- which you now owe the bank of Mom and Dad.
Payments start next week with your allowance,
which you won't be getting any of unless it's all paid back.
Dad, that will take over two years.
Well, then, you know what, Alex?
I suggest you get a part-time job.
And unless you're doing that or you're helping your mother,
you are grounded until otherwise notified.
But Dad, this isn't--
RICHARD: No, that's the end of the discussion, all right?
Now, I have a meeting.
[door slamming]
[engine turning over]
Katie, it's fabulous.
Thanks.
Before I know it, you'll be shopping your work
to the west side galleries.
[laughing]
No way.
We're expecting a visit from a very
distant cousin of Richard's.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, so, we gotta go.
What's with our young genius?
He hasn't said a word since he got here.
Oh, he's out on parole.
He, uh, ran into a problem with one of the neighbors,
so now he has to get a job and pay for the damages.
Well, if our master criminal needs a job,
I could use some help cleaning out the back storeroom.
Really?
Bring him by day after tomorrow.
Hey, that'd be great, Marcie.
Thanks.
Hey, did you hear that?
Yeah, I heard.
Well, don't get too excited.
HARRY: Come here, baby.
Sit right here.
ALEX: Whose old truck is that?
And who are those people?
Cross your legs.
[giggling]
All right, then.
Give me a big smile.
[car door opening]
[camera clicking]
Yeah.
One more.
[car door slamming]
All right.
Oooh, that's beautiful, beautiful.
Excuse me.
What do you think you're doing?
Well, I'll be damned.
Here.
Katherine Sullivan, as I live and breathe.
Come here to me. Oh--
- Oh. - You pretty thing.
[laughing]
Oh, Richard always did have such good taste.
That's Connie.
And this must be the man of the house.
How you doing, partner?
I'm your Uncle Harry.
Oh, my gosh, this boy's strong!
Oh.
[laughing]
Other than Richard's mother, I never met anyone
from that side of the family.
I didn't know I had another uncle.
Well, you're luckier than you thought, ain't you?
[laughing]
Well, that's why we came to LA-- to change all that.
And I had about a week to kill before starting
a new job up in Portland.
We're gonna look for movie stars.
Connie there says she's going to find Jack Nicholson
or die trying, right, sugar?
CONNIE: Oh!
[shattering]
Oh, Lord.
CONNIE: Shit!
God damn son of a bitch.
I'm sorry.
All right, Connie.
You said the S word, the G word, and the B word.
Uh, go get washed up.
- Ah, man. - Come on.
Let's go.
CONNIE: I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.
I know it was an accident.
It's just that, well, Alex picks up everything he hears, so.
Oh, oh, oh, we'll-- we'll watch ourselves,
won't we, honey?
So how'd you two meet?
Well, we used to eat at the same place all the time.
One day, I got up the nerve to go over to her table,
and the rest is history.
We're engaged, and we're gonna live happily
ever after, right, baby?
Mm-hmm.
So when's the big day?
Oh, it's real soon.
Well, we want to get our feet on solid ground first,
you know, get some money and a house
and get comfortable, like you and Richie are,
before we take the big leap.
But we are gonna get married.
[laughing]
Hey, Alex, do you like seafood?
ALEX: Yeah, I guess.
[connie laughing loudly]
"See food"-- get it?
[laughing]
I bet you thought all of Richie's family were stiffs.
It's 'cause my side got all the personality.
Well, Harry, you certainly have personality.
[door closing] RICHARD: Hello.
HARRY: Hey, look who's here!
KATE: Hi.
Little Richie Sullivan.
Well, now, I don't know why you don't recognize me.
I've done growed two feet and put on 70 pounds
since you saw me last.
[laughing]
Other than that, you look exactly the same.
How are you, Harry?
I can't complain, can't complain.
You look fine.
Well, yes.
Hey, hey, this'll take you back.
(SINGING) Camp Sea Breeze.
That's how they do it.
Don't that take you back?
This is my fianc e, Constance.
Oh, it's Connie.
Hi, Connie.
Nice to meet you.
Sea Breeze.
[laughing]
Wow.
See, I knew it and didn't even go to camp.
Yeah, very impressive.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, I'm sorry I'm so late.
So I hear you trying to drown the country in orange soda.
Yeah, well, I guess you could say that.
Harry's been entertaining us with lots of stories.
I'll get you a plate.
OK.
All wise, of course.
I about run out of gossip when you walked in.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry I missed it.
I haven't caught up with family business in a long time.
Well, hey, here.
Knock yourself out.
That's the family newsletter.
Cousin Pete still puts it out.
That's how I found out you was in California.
RICHARD: Is that right? - Uh-huh.
I used to get one of these every Christmas.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, look at that.
You see that?
They've got a article about our wedding.
This must be 10 years old?
Yeah.
I figured you'd want it for the family album.
RICHARD: Thanks.
So what brings you to Los Angeles?
Well, I got me a job up in Portland
and you all was right on the way, so.
Hey, Alex, you know the last time I saw your daddy,
he wasn't any bigger than you?
Yup.
ALEX: Is that really you guys?
It sure is--
like another lifetime.
God, look at that haircut.
[harry laughing]
Hey, Alex, you see them knots?
There wasn't nobody in the history
of Camp Sea Breeze that could ties knots like your old Uncle
Harry Young.
Now, wait a minute, Harry.
I did pretty well in the knot department.
Yeah?
Well, uh, who was it that took the Junior
Admiral's badge for knot tying there at Sea Breeze?
- You did. - Yeah.
And uh, and who won the Master Rigger's competition?
I want to know.
RICHARD: (LAUGHING) You did.
Who broke my arm, so I couldn't win anything more
than a couple hands of poker?
You know, I hadn't thought about that in years.
Did you do it on purpose?
(WHISPERING) Alex.
No, sir, I did not.
We was rasslin'.
Your daddy was whipping me good.
I guess he flipped when he should've flopped,
and it just happened.
I still feel bad about that.
A million years ago.
HARRY: I feel bad about it 'cause I love your daddy.
Oh, god.
[film slapping]
ALEX: Is that it?
Yep.
Show's over.
Time for bed.
Come on.
Hey.
[sighing]
All right. Come on.
Say good night. Let's go.
I'll be up in a minute.
Good night.
RICHARD: Night, Alex.
HARRY: Night, Alex.
So you'll stay with us, right?
Oh, no, no.
I've got one rule-- never impose on family.
Oh, it's no imposition.
No, we have plenty of room.
Mm-hmm.
Well, no.
Me and-- me and Connie, we kind of like it in that old camper,
if you know what I mean.
[both laughing]
[music playing]
What's this thing?
It's a lanyard.
I made it myself.
But I want you to have it.
You can hang your sports car keys on that thing.
Well, you can put anything on it.
That's very sweet of you, Connie.
Thank you.
Now, good nights all around.
Sweet dreams.
Good night.
[kissing]
Hey, Metalhead.
Yeah.
And I have the greatest collection in school.
Well, let's play 'em.
Now, we're both going to be around tomorrow.
You two can rock and roll your little heads off.
CONNIE: Yeah, OK. - Come on.
Now, lights out.
I'll pay for that bowl I broke.
I'm usually real good around the kitchen.
I'm just kind of tired from the trip.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I always turn into a complete zombie after a long road trip.
Well, I didn't say that.
Man, I envy you.
You know, I always have to work with my hands, you know?
But you're creative.
You use your brain instead of your back.
That's smart.
Well, sometimes I'm not so sure.
[scoffing]
You're doing great.
Anybody can see that.
Boy, she's a beauty.
Yeah.
Yeah, Alex and I are working on her kind
of as a father-son thing, although lately I
haven't had much time.
Hey, would you let me work on her while I'm here?
I've always dreamed of having a boat like this.
[laughing]
Well, I doubt very much if you dreamed about a tub like this.
But sure.
Have at it.
Aw, thanks, cuz.
You know, everything about your life just seems perfect--
I mean, this house and boat.
I just hope mine turns out half as good.
[clanking]
Well, old cousin Harry's a real interesting guy, isn't he?
OK, OK.
So the other side of my family is a little unusual.
Unusual?
It's like the Beverly Hillbillies
have moved into our yard.
[connie gasping and moaning]
CONNIE: Just hurry up, baby.
I can't stand it.
Where'd you put the pills?
I don't know!
A lot of your cousins married to each other?
You know, that-- that can result in some serious problems.
You know, just because they're a little different
is no reason to make fun of them.
OK, yes.
[laughing]
Come here.
Come here.
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
Swallow, sugar, swallow.
That's my girl.
Shh.
Honey, I'm really sorry, but I'm kind of tired tonight.
Yeah, me too.
[kate laughing]
I think we better--
You rest, baby.
[single pill rattling]
[breathing heavily]
[engine starting]
[ominous music playing]
[door opening]
[door slamming]
[metal clanking]
[thudding]
[dragging]
[engine rumbling]
Oh, gosh. I'm out of here.
I'll see you tonight.
Hey, can you try to make it early tonight?
Yeah, I'll do my best.
Connie, have a good one.
Bye-bye.
I'll try.
You sure do have a lot of beautiful things.
How much was this?
Oh, I made that.
Oh, like I make them lanyards.
Yeah, I guess so.
Maybe after breakfast, you'd like to see my studio?
OK.
Here you go.
Oh, no.
Just coffee.
I can't stomach any food in the morning.
Hey. Hey.
Where you going?
- To Billy and Andy's. - Uh-uh.
You're under house arrest.
Don't go beyond the yard.
[sighing]
God, punishing your kids is the hardest thing in the world.
Sometimes I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Sometimes you gotta hurt 'em to teach 'em.
Good gosh, doc, you got grounded for that?
I tell you, I've done things 10 times worse than that,
and I never got whooped or nothing.
Of course, most times, I didn't get caught.
Most of the time, I don't get caught, either.
(PIRATE-LIKE) Well done, matey.
Listen, me and Connie were thinking
about maybe going into town, having a look around.
We sure would like to have somebody show us the sights.
Of course, you have to break out of prison first.
I can break out.
I can climb down from my bedroom window.
Shh, shh, shh.
Don't let that information out, now.
Somebody's liable to rat on you.
I'll meet you under the window in 10 minutes, all right?
[suspenseful music playing]
[kate and connie murmuring]
You have to make it deeper, though.
But that's the general idea.
CONNIE: Uh-huh.
(MUMBLING) Eagle Rock Pharmacy.
[shattering]
(WHISPERING) Shit.
[water gurgling]
So you just open up the gas.
Yeah, uh-huh.
And hit start.
(LAUGHING) Whoa!
Fucking great.
That's one way to put it.
[dial tone buzzing]
[beeping]
Yes, Eagle Rock Pharmacy?
This is Dr. Thomas' office calling.
I need an emergency prescription for chlorpromazine.
Yes, patient's name is Akers--
A-K-E-R-S, first name Constance.
That's right.
500-milligram capsules.
The patient will be down this afternoon to pick them up.
My DEA number is 726453.
That's right.
Yes.
I'll follow up with a hard copy of the prescription right away.
Uh-huh.
Thanks.
Wow.
Look at this.
This is kind of holy or something.
[laughing]
Hardly.
I think it's the stained glass.
Yeah, it still looks like church to me.
Boy, this place is nice.
I never been inside a real artist's studio before.
KATE: Thanks, Harry.
Look at all these pretty things.
It sure is easy to see you are one talented individual.
Come on, sugar.
We got some errands to run.
KATE: You need directions? - No, no.
We got a map.
KATE: Well, don't get lost.
I'll just ask people where Woodbriar Road is.
Uh, Briarwood.
HARRY: Briarwood.
(SINGING) Yeah, my mama told me not to play with fire.
Can't go wrong here.
It's got--
[harry chuckling]
Watch out, young feller.
Don't fall and bust your sacroiliac.
Come on.
You can jump from there.
Come on.
Ho!
Hop up there.
Connie's waiting for us in the getaway car.
If you run, run long.
Baby, I'm a rock n' roll outlaw.
Baby, I'm a rock n' roll outlaw.
HARRY: Sure do appreciate what you're
doing for us, Miss Simms.
Thanks a lot.
That's my job.
Northwest is a beautiful place.
We have great listings.
I'm sure we'll find you a home you'll love.
Hey, could you do us a favor and take a picture of us
together?
It's kind of a big day for us.
Hey.
We're gonna have our picture taken.
What?
Just stand right there.
Wait, uh, trade places with me.
MISS SIMMS: Smile.
[camera clicking]
[music playing]
[rock music blaring]
(SINGING) She was a foxy human with a strong desire.
Yeah, my mama told me not to--
Hey, Alex, you've been playing the same album all morning.
Give it a break.
Hey.
(SINGING) After nights.
Well, something round here doesn't feel quite right.
What'll I do?
Yeah, she's got--
[connie sighing]
[alarm ringing]
Oh.
Oh, god.
[laughing]
Jesus, what's taking so long?
ALEX: They're too dark.
A prescription for Akers.
Constance?
Mm-hmm.
It's my fiance. She's right there.
Oh.
That'll be $22.60.
I'll take care of these people.
Is, uh, is there a problem?
100 capsules is an unusually large dosage of chlorpromazine.
Yeah, well, this ain't our first time.
I think I better call the doctor and double-check on it.
Son, if you're not buying, put them back where you got them.
You know, we got money for whatever he wants.
ADELE: Mr. Williams, can you talk to Mrs. Gomez?
I'll only be a minute.
Yes? - Shit.
I'll have to do this myself.
Put it back.
MR. WILLIAMS: Well, we're open until 8:00.
The package will be ready. Yes, thank you.
I'm sorry, but this is a very strong drug.
Do you have the doctor's number, by any chance?
No.
No, I don't.
I'm sorry.
I'll look it up.
Adele-- Adele, call the fire department.
There's a truck on fire outside.
[menacing music playing]
[crickets chirping]
[connie crying]
Shh.
Now, now.
Well, uh, you need us to call somebody?
Oh, thanks, Rich.
There's nothing can be done.
There's not much point.
We didn't have a lick of insurance, anyway.
It was everything that we had.
What are we gonna do now?
We got nothing left.
Oh, now, we'll make do.
We'll do all right.
What are we gonna do now?
Well--
We'd be happy to put you up in a hotel.
Oh, well, thanks, Katherine June, but--
No, no, no.
They can stay here.
I mean, we've got plenty of room.
Oh, no, now.
We're not going to be any more trouble
to you than we've already been.
Oh, come on.
After all the stuff you've been through today, forget it, OK?
You stay here with us.
Well, you two are so sweet.
Now we have to figure out why Alex was out of the house.
Say good night, Alex.
Good night.
HARRY: Night, partner.
ALEX: Harry said he needed some help with some stuff.
Oh, so you decided to sneak out.
Good thinking, Alex. - Yeah, not very smart, Alex.
Hey, Rich?
RICHARD: Hey.
Well, I never did see how anybody could figure
out one of them computers.
Well, you just, uh, follow the instruction book.
Oh, my gosh.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Listen, uh, you know, with the truck burning and all,
it looks like we're going to be underfoot for a little longer
than we planned--
but no longer than a week.
I promise you.
You take all the time you need.
We're going to have some friends in for a little party
on Saturday, so you'll be here for that.
Oh, well.
Thank you.
That'd be nice.
Thank you.
Uh, Harry, you know, if I'm punishing my son,
it doesn't help things if you tell him it's all right for him
to sneak out of the house.
Well, I'd never do that.
[ominous music playing]
Alex asked me if he could go along, and I said sure.
If I'd known he was being punished,
I'd have told him to mind his folks.
Alex told me a slightly different version.
Well, that's the way it happened.
But you know kids.
They get the devil in 'em.
You remember when you and me was at Camp Sea Breeze,
and we'd go out at night and hit golf
balls at the counselor's house?
You put one right through the window.
[laughing]
Oh, kids.
Well.
I've smoothed things over with Richard.
Now you do the same thing with Kate.
Go on, now.
Hurry up.
Hey, Kate.
Me and Harry don't want to be any hassle for you.
I mean, 'cause--
I mean, that's not why we came, so.
[laughing]
We'll be gone soon.
Well, I'm just glad nobody got hurt.
Oh, flowered sheets.
[moaning]
Alex is a child, and they are adults.
They should know better.
And if they don't, I don't want them in the house.
RICHARD: I already talked to him,
and I'm sure that it won't happen again.
Well, it better not.
Did you break something in the sink?
No, why?
Have you seen my face cream?
RICHARD: No.
Someone's been in our medicine chest.
So?
What are you saying?
[kissing]
Honey. Honey.
CONNIE: What?
I got to talk to you about something.
You shouldn't have done what you did today.
It got me the pills, didn't it?
And it got us inside.
You have got to calm down.
We've got to take this thing one step at a time.
We are.
No, we're not.
[sighing]
You're not being patient.
You're rushing things.
I'm not.
You are.
Turn the light out, Connie.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen it about a million times.
Now turn out the light.
Turn off the light.
Constance.
[clicking]
Also, I want you to be nice to Kate.
I was.
OK.
You was.
You know, you said you would get us brand new lives
and make us respectable people.
And you promised to make me a wife and mother.
Just what do you think I'm doing, huh?
I wasn't just doing arts and crafts in that hospital.
I've had a lot of quiet time to figure out how to do this.
Now, we've got to do it the way I figured it.
No more surprises.
Now, come here and give me some sugar.
Come on.
Give me some sugar.
[kissing]
More better sugar.
Come on.
[water spraying]
Rich, I'm glad I caught you.
Me and Connie got a couple errands we need to run today.
Wonder if we could steal the car from you?
Well, you don't have to steal it.
Um, why don't you take Katie's car?
I'm sure she can spare it for a while.
Check with her first, though, all right?
Oh, yeah. I will.
I will.
RICHARD: Keys are by the front door.
All right.
Have a nice day.
Thanks for the clothes.
Uh, yeah, I guess this would be OK for wearing around town.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, you probably need a pair of jeans and a--
Um, is there anything I can wear at night in case
me and Harry want to go out?
Like-- [gasping]
--something nice.
[ominous music playing]
(WHISPERING) Yes!
That should look nice on you.
Well, it's a little long.
But I guess I could shorten it.
That would do it.
[knocking]
Ladies, how do I look?
Hey.
HARRY: Oh, my gosh.
Look at you.
Woo-hoo-hoo, sugar baby, you look good enough
to eat with a spoon.
Well, we got to hurry.
Listen, uh, Richie said it'd be all right
if I used your car today, said you wouldn't be using it.
But I have things to do.
Well, if it's a problem.
Well-- well, what time will you be back?
I have to pick up Alex by 3:00.
We'll be back at 2:30. How's that?
Sure.
OK.
Would you, uh, get me?
CLERK: Do you have any ID at all?
Everything was in the wallet.
Um, I have my birth certificate
and video rental card.
CLERK: Anything with your current address?
Uh, a phone bill and a check--
both our names and address.
Just stand in line, and they'll take your picture.
When will he get his new license?
Replacing a lost license takes about a week.
A week-- Harry.
Sugar, we're not gonna leave until we're ready.
Look in the lens, Mr. Sullivan.
[clicking]
HARRY: Oooh, look at all these pretty pictures.
ALEX: Hey, Uncle Harry.
There's the big businessman.
How you doing?
Fine.
This is where I'm busting my butt.
Oh, it is? MARCIE: Hi.
I'm Marcie.
Hi, there.
I'm Alex's Uncle Harry.
And that's my girlfriend, Connie.
Fianc e.
- Fianc e. - Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
HARRY: All good, I hope.
Absolutely.
How much is this?
MARCIE: $1,000.
It's just beautiful.
Oh, god, I gotta have it.
I just gotta have it, Harry.
It'd just be perfect in the new house.
Well, we'll just have to find some way to get it.
How about buying it?
Well, now, there's a way I hadn't thought of yet.
[laughing]
How about it, big man?
You done for the day? - I don't know.
Marcie, am I done?
- Sure. - All right.
Let's take off. Nice to meet you.
MARCIE: Nice to meet you.
Bye, Marcie.
Hey, you hold real still, partner.
[whipping noise]
Connie, I didn't know you were back.
You wanted us back before 3:00.
We picked up Alex.
What?
Mom says I'm not old enough to shave.
She does?
You see that peach fuzz I'm getting off of you?
You're a real man, buddy.
Don't you let anybody ever tell you any different.
Dad uses an electric shaver.
Well, real men like you and me, we're--
we're few and far between these days.
KATE: What do you think you're doing?
ALEX: Harry's teaching me how to shave.
All right, young man.
You go downstairs and finish setting the table, please.
Right now.
Shit.
I was just showing him how to shave, Katherine June.
Hell, I had somebody shaving me.
I wasn't gonna cut him.
I'll tell you what, Harry, why don't we
let my son get through puberty before we have him shaven, OK?
OK. He's your boy, Katherine June.
That's right.
And when I say I'm going to pick him up, I mean it.
Oh, I thought that'd be a nice surprise.
I don't like surprises when it comes to Alex.
[crickets chirping]
[ice cubes clinking]
[knocking]
Can I buy you a drink?
[glasses clattering]
Why not?
There.
Nothing's coming together.
I am stuck.
Nowhere to go.
Hit the wall.
I'm fucked.
Well, here's to being fucked.
[both laughing]
(MUMBLING) Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
You know what I think you need?
I think you need to let off a little steam.
What do you say? - Mmm.
Huh?
[music playing]
Nyuk, nyuk.
You got a driving range right here in your backyard,
don't you?
Alex and I come here all the time, this park.
[whacking]
Kiss that baby goodbye.
[laughing]
May I please speak to Pete Young?
Oh, Mr. Young, this is Katherine Sullivan.
Yes, sir, all the way out in California.
[whacking]
Whoa.
You know, Harry, I gotta ask you something.
Were-- either you or, um, Connie in our bathroom, by any chance?
Oh, well, uh, I went in there to find out
what kind of perfume Kate uses.
I was going to get her a bottle to surprise her.
Sorry about that.
So you haven't heard from Harry in 10 years?
But don't you send him your newsletter?
Oh, I see.
[grunting]
[laughing]
You know, I may be doing my thinking with my little head
instead of my big one, but I always remember the ads that
have got some sex in 'em-- you know, a pretty
girl with not much clothes on.
You know, better than the funny ones or the marching bands--
that kind of stuff.
Orange soda and sex, that's what--
Yeah, yeah.
Now, you're the head man.
But I'm just putting my two cents' worth in.
Orange soda and sex.
[harry gargling]
OK.
I'll propose that to my client.
Nyuk, nyuk.
[laughing]
[whacking]
Oh!
I talked to your cousin, Pete, who hasn't heard
a word from Harry in 10 years--
and neither has anyone else.
Doesn't that seem strange to you,
that Mr. Family suddenly drops out of sight?
You talked to my cousin, Pete?
Yes, while you were out reliving
your childhood with Harry.
[sighing]
Very funny.
Well, Katie, that doesn't prove a thing.
I haven't talked to Pete in 15 years.
God damn it, something is going on.
Why won't you listen? - OK.
All right!
You know--
(WHISPERING) Richard!
I will talk to them tomorrow, and I'll find out when they're
going to leave, all right?
[sighing]
[suspenseful music playing]
Well, hell, you're not offending me.
I know how close it's been in there.
No.
Me and Connie just have a couple things to tend to,
and we'll be out of your hair.
Thanks for understanding.
Oh, Rich, you've been great.
You've been just great.
I know we've-- we've been a burden to you.
Don't worry about it.
You sure you don't mind me using your car?
'Cause I can make other arrangements if you do.
No, no, that's all right.
It's best for everybody.
Just, uh, don't get lost.
No, no.
I'll just ask everybody where Woodbriar is.
RICHARD: Briarwood. - Briarwood.
Briarwood.
No.
You know, we told you what we wanted.
This is it right here.
We don't want anything else.
MISS SIMMS: Well, this exact house might
be a little tough to find.
I hope you understand, Miss Simms, if you can't find
the dream house for me and my wife and son,
then we'll have to find someone who can.
And they can get all our fucking money.
Give me a couple days, all right?
Appreciate your help.
What you got there, son?
It's a car wash on Sunday.
Bring the flier and you get a free wax.
Yeah, well we ain't interested.
And next time, you just keep your filthy little hands
off our car.
[car door slamming]
This country is about to drown in orange soda.
Thank you, darlin'.
Mm, excuse me, everybody. Wait a minute.
I have something to say.
And it's all because my dear cousin
here made me hit some golf balls in the middle of the night.
Well, I need another drink for that-- that toast.
Waitress!
I think you're fine, baby.
I think you're just fine.
Yeah.
It's just bad luck if I don't have a drink, so.
KATE: Here you go.
I want one of my own.
OK.
Um, everybody's set.
All right, Harry, I don't know what else to say,
except I owe you one.
Thank you.
Salud.
Well, I'm going to toast the Sullivans for making us
feel like part of the family.
Of course, I guess we are.
I wish Alex was here.
I think I'm going to go give him a call.
HARRY: Uh, Alex is fine, baby.
Well, I miss him, and I--
He's with Marcie.
They get along really well.
Well, Alex and I get along really well, too.
Of course you do, honey.
That's what family's all about.
Honey, did, uh, did you forget to do something tonight?
- Get your hands off me. - Huh?
Did you.
I believe you did.
So you really like family togetherness, don't you, Harry?
Oh, it is the best thing in this world.
Well, maybe you should give your cousin, Pete, a call.
He hasn't heard from you in 10 years,
and he's real curious about what you've been up to.
That newsletter you showed us was about 10 years old,
wasn't it? [chuckling nervously]
Well, you know cousin Pete.
His memory's kind of going on him.
I talk to him every week.
Well, maybe he needs a transplant of the brain.
[both laughing]
Well, you really should call him
and tell him what your plans are so he can tell the family.
Everybody's real interested in what you're up to.
Why, I told him we were moving a week ago.
We'll be right back.
Honey, come on. Here it is.
Here it is.
CONNIE: No!
You don't care about me, you son of a bitch!
That's not true.
Open your mouth.
Come on.
Swallow.
[gasping]
That's it.
Shh.
Shh.
[panting]
I love you.
I love you.
You know I do.
(WHISPERING) Come on, now.
We're gonna have everything we want, just like we planned.
[whimpering]
But you've got to take these pills.
You've got to take them three times a day, Connie.
[knocking]
KATE: Connie?
Shit.
I want to go home.
KATE: Everything all right?
Yeah, Connie's just not feeling herself tonight.
Thanks for checking, Katherine June.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Rich, I owe you and Kate a big apology about tonight.
See, Connie just recently lost both her parents,
and she's had a lot of trouble dealing with it.
Doc put her on some medication, and she's
not supposed to drink with it.
And you saw what happens when she does.
I should have been watching her better, and I'm sorry.
I really am.
You won't be putting up with us much longer.
I promise you that.
Harry said that she was on medication.
It's too much, Richard.
Lookit, they're going to need some time
to get it together to leave. - Whatever.
But I don't want them spending any more time with Alex.
OK.
You and The Metalheads get some sleep.
[kissing]
Night.
Oh, Alex, how many times do I have
to tell you to put your monsters away so I don't break my leg?
Sorry, Mom.
Marcie says you've been a big help.
Your dad and I are proud of you.
So does that mean I'm not grounded anymore?
Ha!
Nice try.
You know, if I were you, I--
You're not.
And please don't smoke in my house.
[crickets chirping]
[door opening]
[dreamy music playing]
[door closing]
I think that Alex kind of looks like me.
I mean, our color's different, but our eyes are kind
of the same, don't you think?
Well, yeah, you both got two of 'em.
Hey, he could be ours.
Family just ain't a family without a child.
HARRY: I know, honey.
I'm gonna take care of that.
I'd like that.
Oh.
[suspenseful music playing]
Hi, this is Kate Sullivan.
Can you tell me about a drug called chlorpromazine?
Oh, I see.
Well, when the pharmacist gets back,
would you have him call me at 555-9876?
Thanks.
Bye.
Where you going?
Me and Alex are going to go to the park.
Alex has work today.
Yeah.
I better go with my mom.
So where does this one go?
Back with the others, sweetie.
OK.
You're damn right you should have that drug checked out.
If that girl's strung out, you don't want her hanging around.
Oh, I know.
I mean, Richard's oblivious.
He's so busy reliving his childhood.
Well, if he doesn't grow up fast,
you'll be spending Christmas dinner with them.
[phone ringing]
KATE, RICHARD, ALEX (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hi.
We're the Sullivans.
ALEX (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): We're not here.
RICHARD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Leave a message.
KATE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): We'll call you back.
[beeping]
MR. WILLIAMS (ON ANSWERING MACHINE):
Mrs. Sullivan, this is Mr. Williams
at the Eagle Rock Pharmacy.
It's important that we talk.
I can tell you about chlorpromazine,
but it's strange you should call.
We had an incident here and, uh, - Harry!
MR. WILLIAMS (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Just call me.
- Good night, Adele. - Goodnight, Mr. Williams.
Ah!
Howdy.
All we wanted was a little medicine.
Ah!
[slamming]
[mr. williams yelling]
MR. WILLIAMS: I'll give you anything you want!
[crashing]
CONNIE: You're a liar, Mister!
[wailing]
[gasping]
You know, it must be awfully tempting working
around all these drugs, hmm?
Let's give him some of the stuff they used to give me.
No, you don't want to slow him down.
Get the potassium.
Where?
HARRY: Under P. That'll throw his heart into overdrive
and won't leave a trace.
You know where I learned that?
On TV.
I got it. Can I do it?
Mm-hmm.
Now, I'm gonna have to hold you real still
while my fianc e has her fun.
[mr. williams whimpering]
[dark music playing]
[yelling]
Don't step on him.
CONNIE: What are you doing that for?
It's a little peace offering.
[fountain trickling]
[muted conversations]
[soft music playing]
KATE: Hey, hey.
Hey.
Kate, boy, this is nice.
Thanks.
Sorry we're so late getting here.
And I know I've been kind of a pain in the butt.
But, well, I heard this is a kind you like.
Oh, um, thanks, Harry.
HARRY: Oh, I could use a beer.
Never thought I'd have to eat with another plastic fork
and knife as long as I lived.
Hey, you know, where I come from,
if you don't wait for everybody else to eat,
you don't get to eat at all.
I really can't stand people that don't have good manners.
[rattling]
You got some pretty scary people in your family tree.
HARRY: Miss Sims, this house is absolutely perfect.
I knew you'd love it.
But we've got to make an offer right away.
You just tell me how much you need and who needs it.
[suspenseful music playing]
BILL: This campaign's going to take us through until spring,
if that's not a problem with you.
Why would it be?
BILL: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Your contract runs another two years,
and I found out that you're looking for another job
right now.
What?
You may not know this, but Jed Crawford
of Crawford, David & Lane in Portland
is a close friend of mine.
He faxed me this letter you sent them.
I'm holding off sending copies to the legal department.
I didn't send this letter.
Portland.
I don't know anybody there.
Technically, you're in breach of contract.
Wait a minute.
What the hell, Bill?
I told you, I don't--
I didn't send this letter.
If you were unhappy, I wish you
would have come to me first.
(WHISPERING) What?
Woodbriar.
[harry whistling]
Come here, little homemaker.
[door opening]
There's our artist.
How about a little celebration?
Care to tell me who Frank Drummond is?
Frank-- I never heard of him.
He a member of the family?
Must be.
You have his wallet.
Oh, oh, oh, Frank Drummond.
That's that-- that's that hitchhiker we picked up.
Yeah, he left his wallet in the truck.
I've been meaning to send that thing back to him.
Maybe we should call him and tell him we have it.
He must be worried about it.
Well--
Jesus Christ, here it comes.
Hear what comes, Connie?
You know, if you guys weren't family,
I would have thrown you out a long time ago.
So why don't you just get the hell out of my house?
Well, now, we'd like to, Katherine June,
but we've got a couple more things we got to do first.
I'll have Richard deal with this.
No, you're not.
[punching]
Connie.
KATE: Uh!
[struggling]
[crashing]
[grunting]
[moaning]
[beeping]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[music coming from headphones] - Come on.
Come on.
Pick up, Katie.
Betty, would you get me a cab, please?
[footsteps]
What would any man want to make a home with that?
Get down here, Constance.
Would you act like a grown woman?
Hold her ankles together.
Nothing is going according to plan.
[sighing]
Have to rethink everything, so we can get around her, now.
I don't know why your plan is so fucking smart all the time,
'cause it's shit, and it don't work.
Why don't you just kill her?
She and Richie will be buried on the road
when the time is right.
We're going to need them before that.
Go see about Alex.
I don't want him in the house when Richie comes home.
Fine.
We'll get some ice cream.
Bring me some pralines and cream, all right?
KATE: Harry.
[exhaling]
(WHISPERING) Where's Alex?
He's fine.
Oh.
If you or Connie do anything to hurt him,
I swear, I'll kill you both.
[grunting]
HARRY: Now, you just stay calm, Katherine June, OK?
Me and Connie got some business to take care of,
and we're going to need your help, all right?
Now, turn over for me.
[moaning]
That's it.
I'll do my best to control Connie,
but I tell you what-- if you cause any trouble,
I don't know.
Ain't no telling what she gonna do.
[grunting]
(WHISPERING) Goodness.
[kate moaning]
Now, you just got to trust me, Katherine June, OK?
Trust me to do right by you.
RICHARD: Kate?
Hey, Rich.
Where is everybody?
Where's Kate?
Oh, upstairs, I reckon, doin' something.
Alex?
I don't know where he is.
He's around here somewhere.
What the hell's going on here?
Well, I was going to tell you.
Tell me what?
Well, things just haven't been going the way we planned.
[grunting]
[thudding]
Sorry about this, cuz.
You'll remember I got my badge for these knots.
You know, it feels good to put something you learned to use.
[chuckling]
Oh, I'm sorry about this, Richie.
But it's time I start a family of my own.
You know, 10 years in that hospital
is a long time to covet something.
Those doctors told me I can be anybody I want to be.
And I want to be you, Richie.
So Uncle Harry, where did Mom and Dad go?
[loud music playing]
Well, your cousin Pete got sick,
and your mom and dad went to be with him.
That's weird.
They didn't tell me anything.
(SINGING) Don't want your kissing.
You don't miss 'em, do you?
Don't want your alibis.
Nah.
Don't want you, honey, speaking to the other guys.
I'm tired of waiting, waiting for the this heart attack.
I'm getting out.
I'm tired of looking back.
Oh.
Ready for love 'cause someone needs it.
Oh, save the love for someone who needs it.
Don't try to tease me, baby, baby, baby, no.
Yeah.
[knocking]
Harry!
Harry.
This train is rolling, headed to another track.
Evening, officer.
Excuse me, sir.
We've had complaints about some loud music.
We're just having a little family celebration.
Why don't you just keep the music down, all right?
I'll do that very thing as soon as I close this door.
Night.
For someone who needs it.
Oh.
[grunting]
[crying]
You mean I get to stay up all night?
You're a big man now.
You go to bed when you want to.
Yeah, just turn the lights out when you crash.
[music from headphones]
[lock clattering]
It's not his signature.
That's not the problem.
I can do that.
We just don't know what we might need them for until we leave.
Yeah, well, they'll cooperate, baby.
And we could have been real rough on them, and we weren't.
So they got no complaints.
And we get to do it in the master bedroom.
[music playing]
[moaning]
I love you, Connie.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Now we really are Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan.
Oh, baby, it's perfect, just perfect.
[banging]
[banging]
[clattering]
[sighing in sleep]
[door opening]
CONNIE: God damn you to hell!
You are not going anywhere.
I told you that.
And you've gotta start doing what you're told.
What do you think I am, your fucking maid?
It's just like you do these things on purpose.
Well, my doctor had a way of making people
do what they're supposed to do.
Sometimes you just gotta hurt people to teach 'em.
It hurts to learn right from wrong.
But you have to learn it.
And I had to. Why shouldn't you?
A woman like you has no idea about my life,
what I've been through.
You have a husband and a beautiful little boy.
And they were just given to you.
Why shouldn't I have 'em?
[knife clattering]
Life just ain't fair.
[zapping]
[moaning]
No, baby.
Uh-uh.
You don't wanna do that right now.
Come on, sugar.
Put 'em down.
Put 'em down now, sug.
Come on.
Come on.
That's my girl.
That's my girl.
She was being bad.
I was just trying to teach her right from wrong.
I know you were, baby.
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
Come on.
Here we go.
Now, then, Katherine June, you get you some rest.
You've got a busy day tomorrow, OK?
[humming]
ALEX: Connie!
Harry!
No, no.
No problem at all.
No, you just stay as long as you want to.
Mm-hmm.
We'll look after Alex.
Yeah.
Is that my mom and dad?
No, no, no, fine.
Fine.
We'll see you soon.
Wha-- I wanted to talk to them.
Hey, they're coming down on the next plane.
And guess what?
You get to go to the airport and meet 'em.
Watcha making?
Homemade chocolate chip muffins.
And I went to a lot of trouble. Boop.
I like blueberry muffins.
That's what my mom makes.
Yeah.
Now, you're going to have chocolate.
Oh, god damn it!
Son of a bitch!
Fuck!
You expect me to eat that?
(SINGSONG) Uncle Harry to the rescue.
Look what I got here.
All right!
Barbecue for breakfast.
Yeah.
[clattering]
And, uh, guess what?
Today is pretend Sunday.
You don't have to go work at that job today.
Cool.
Did you go through all the family stuff?
Yeah.
Harry, I don't want to memorize a bunch of stupid facts
about all these people.
Connie, we are these people.
Now, if people ask us questions, we're going
to have to have answers, right?
Richard Sullivan has just resigned and is free to go
anywhere he wants to.
[laughing]
Where's my son?
My boy sees who I want him to.
And right now, he's busy.
You've got to run errands with Harry.
I want you to look presentable.
Oh, god, I wish this lipstick was broken glass.
[video game zapping]
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, you whooped me again, Alex.
Grr.
Where you going?
Come on, Alex.
We're going to hit the park.
Well, what do you think, huh?
Sharp as a wet mouse?
I always said Richie had good taste.
Where's Alex?
Alex is just fine.
We're taking care of him just like he was our own.
Lean forward, honey.
What about Richard?
Richard will be all right, just as long as you
do just exactly like I say.
Now, then, come on.
Upsy-daisy.
Now, you are going to have to do just exactly like I
say with no trouble at all.
'Cause if we're not back by 6 o'clock,
Connie's going to cut Richard and Alex's throats.
[ominous music playing]
[dinging]
[engine starting]
We're never going to make it home in time.
Well, we'll just have to do the best we can.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
And how are you today? HARRY: Just fine.
How are you? - Fine, thanks.
What can I do for you?
I'd like to close that account.
Oh.
I hope we didn't do anything wrong.
No, no.
We're-- we're moving out of town.
That sounds exciting.
Here.
Would you just sign where I made the X, please?
HARRY: We'd like this in cash, if that's OK.
Um, I'm going to have to check the signature card.
I'll be right back, OK?
You'll never get away with this.
You have been seen too much with the two of us.
Well, I'll admit things have taken an unexpected turn
for the worse.
But I'm optimistic.
You're crazy.
That's all there is to it, isn't it?
No.
We, uh, took one of life's little detours, Connie and I.
But I promised her a family and a home.
And we haven't, uh, had the opportunities
other folks have had.
So I just decided we'd take yours.
Do you have some form of identification, Mrs. Sullivan?
Is there a problem?
The signature doesn't exactly match up.
I need to be sure.
I'm sorry.
Here.
Thank you.
Your social security number?
Uh, 898579231.
Could you give me that again?
Damn it.
What is the problem?
Now, she's doing the best she can, hon.
That's 898579231.
OK.
That checks out OK.
But I'm going to have to have our assistant manager, Mr.
Wolf, check this all out, OK?
He's in a meeting right now, but he should be done very shortly.
If you don't mind waiting over there.
Well, we don't have time to wait.
Well, it won't be too long, will it?
No, no, no.
He should be done shortly. - OK.
TELLER: Thank you.
[whirring]
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Can we take them outside and crash 'em?
Um, sure.
Let's go.
[sinister music playing]
Alex, I just remembered.
I'm supposed to make a phone call,
so I'll meet you outside in a few minutes.
Are you calling my mom?
No, I'm not calling your mom.
I'm calling somebody else.
[doorbell ringing]
[doorbell ringing]
[whirring]
Hello?
Katie?
Hello?
What the hell are you doing here?
Where's Katie?
Well, she ain't here.
You know, you ought to try calling first.
That's the polite way.
I tried.
Yeah, well, what do you want?
Katie was supposed to bring Alex to work this morning.
He never showed.
Huh.
Well, he don't like working for you no more, so he quit.
This is crazy.
I'm talking to Alex.
You are not talking to my son.
What?
[grunting]
[gasping]
[panting]
Connie?
[crashing]
Connie?
Connie!
Hey, Connie!
Connie!
Harry!
Quit yelling, Alex.
I'm just right here.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing's going on.
Go on back outside, OK?
Did you break that plant?
Yes, I did.
So what?
Mom and Dad are going to be pissed.
It was just a stupid plant!
Then you go on up to your room.
ALEX: Let me go!
You're going to start obeying me, OK?
ALEX: Stop.
CONNIE: Start listening to me, stop being a brat.
ALEX: Stop it!
Get off of me!
CONNIE: You get in there.
You get in there, and you stay quiet.
ALEX: Leave me alone!
[door slamming]
Mrs. Sullivan, Mr. Sullivan, I'm Mr. Wharf.
Say, I'm sorry it's taking so long,
but we have to be careful.
Hope you understand.
Oh, we do, and we appreciate it.
You look familiar to me.
I've seen you around here, haven't I?
Yeah, I recognize you, too.
Will this take long?
No, no, it shouldn't.
You'd be surprised how many forgeries the tellers pick up.
They really have to stay on their toes.
But I'll get you out of here.
Cashier's check OK?
Uh, cash would-- would be perfect.
Well, that's a lot to carry around.
Be careful. - We know.
We will.
[door slamming]
HARRY: Connie?
You don't have to yell.
I'm right here.
KATE: Alex!
Richard!
Where's Marcie?
I saw her car outside.
What?
Look, Katherine-- no problems, no trouble.
Where's my son?
CONNIE: Whose son?
Ah, Connie, look here.
I got the money.
What have you done with my son?
Katherine June, please don't do this.
Where's my son, you little tramp?
Oh, you--
Get over there and sit down.
[grunting]
OK, look what I've got for us.
Where's my son, you bitch?
HARRY: Damn it, I said stay over there.
I mean it.
Now, I need to ask you something, sugar.
Do you have something you need to tell me, huh?
You certain?
Oh, my god.
Yeah, I reckon there is.
You animal!
What did you have to kill her for?
CONNIE: 'Cause she had it coming.
Oh, give me a break.
Now we've got to do everything right now.
[grunting]
Oh, shit!
God damn!
[yelling] [smacking]
Ah!
CONNIE: Harry!
Oh, my god, Alex.
[alex moaning]
Oh, Alex.
Alex, do you know where your father is?
No.
No.
Oh!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my head.
[grunting]
KATE: OK.
You listen to me.
I know that you can climb down the window, OK?
God.
I want you to go over to the neighbor's, and I want
you to call the police, OK?
You go right now. No.
Alex, you've got to go. - You're coming with me.
No, I can't. I have to find your dad.
Come on. - OK.
Mr. Benson!
Mr. Benson, please!
Oh, god.
The kid's out.
I'll get him.
You get Kate.
ALEX: Mr. Benson!
KATE: Oh!
[grunting]
[crashing]
[grunting]
[window shattering]
[beeping]
[grunting]
Hey, what are you doing out of the house, Alex?
You're supposed to be grounded.
[muted yelling]
[clanging]
Oh!
[shrieking]
[thumping]
[panting]
[crashing]
[alex struggling]
Shit.
[screaming]
CONNIE: Save me!
HARRY: Connie!
Alex!
Dad, I set off Mr. Benson's burglar alarm.
(WHISPERING) I want you out of here.
Go on!
[screaming]
Connie!
Oh.
Don't.
[growling]
[yelling]
[whacking]
[grunting]
[whacking]
[grunting]
Hey, stop!
Mister!
I'm the one who called you!
I'm the one who set off the alarm!
KATE: Oh.
[police radio chatter]
You keep in touch now, hear?
[engine starting]
[siren blaring]
[music playing]