Divine Access (2015) Movie Script
1
I've been accused
of being an underachiever.
Hey, I'd rather underachieve
than surpass my potential
and remain insignificant.
So, I was raised by my mother,
a self-proclaimed
spiritualist.
She did her best
to teach me things
like openness
and tolerance, and...
I don't know.
I wasn't paying attention.
My mind was on other things.
After my father left,
my mother yearned for meaning
in her new life,
to fill a hole
she never knew existed.
And when I wasn't
otherwise distracted,
I guess I soaked up
everything she did.
Before long,
I knew more about religion
and so-called spirituality
than most theologians.
Who knew that
all that residual knowledge
would ever have
any significance in my life.
You kidding me?
What?
My, uh...
my buddy's TV show's on.
I gotta watch it.
You... you should see this.
To lift his arms above his head.
God is healing
those joints right now.
I see a man.
A man gripped... gripped
by the homosexual lifestyle,
but God is...
God is stepping in
and taking over, and he...
he is cured of that abomination
at this very moment.
There is a tornado coming...
There is a tornado...
What, are you leaving?
It's late. I gotta go.
If I'm not home
when John gets there,
he'd kill the both of us.
I thought you two broke up.
I mean, it's better this way.
Absolutely.
You understand.
It's not personal.
You had me at "I gotta go."
You don't have to be
a dick about it.
Wait, what?
Well, you think you can just
fuck me and kick me out?
I'm sorry.
Did I miss something?
I'm so stupid.
This was a mistake.
Everybody was right about you.
You're an asshole.
"Everybody?"
My name is
the Reverend Guy Roy Davis,
and your television
is my church.
"Hi, sweetheart.
Did a past-life
regression yesterday,
and guess what.
You and I were twins
in Atlantis.
Pretty wild, huh?
I have an opportunity to study
with the Brahma Kumaris
in Melbourne.
Wish me luck."
Good luck, Mom.
Hi.
You can't pretend
you're not home
when I can see you.
You know how that works, right?
Sorry, Bob.
Thought it might be you.
If I lived
on the water like this,
I would be fishing every day.
Crack of dawn.
- You wanna go fishing?
- I do. Do you have any bait?
Go dig around
by the edge of the lake.
Grab a bucket or something.
I'll be down in a second.
Great. I got something
I wanna run by you.
A very special opportunity.
Ah.
Did you watch the show
last night?
Yeah. I did.
Pretty sure you've reached
an all-time low with that guy.
I'm glad you said that.
Jack, you're charming.
Sort of.
And that's what the show needs.
"Sort of charm" Jack Harriman.
Yeah. Okay.
Here we go.
What?
I want you on the show.
I want you on the goddamn show.
You want me on
the goddamn religion show?
Well, religion, philosophy,
whatever you want.
You've seen it all.
Yeah, well, I would, Bob,
but I just remembered
I have anything else to do.
It's a panel with a reverend
and maybe a couple
of other guys.
I don't wanna see you miss
a very special opportunity.
So... you want me to...
To debate religion,
philosophy, whatever,
with your reverend?
In a word, yes.
All right.
That's awesome.
I knew I could count on you.
They should call
your lake "no fish,"
because I've never ever
caught anything here.
Not even a nibble.
Let's try it over there.
Hmm.
Okay.
Lord Almighty.
Oh, baby.
How did you do that?
How did you know
that fish was there?
Hey, so I'll see you
at 2:00 a.m. tonight.
Don't wear white.
Okay, well, look,
it may not look like much,
but within these hallowed walls,
ideas are transmitted to homes
across the entire
television cable system.
How many homes?
Well, that depends
upon whom you ask.
Gentlemen,
change in format today.
This is Jack Harriman,
and he is going
to round out the panel.
Oh, good. Fine.
We're gonna have a discussion
with the three of you,
and I am going to moderate.
Jack, why don't you
head over there
and then they'll mic you up.
Excuse me.
You... you're going
to moderate?
I was under the impression
that I was hosting the program.
Yes, you were.
Jack, and you'll sit
in the middle,
and then, Pete,
if you could be on that end.
And, Reverend, if you could
just grab an edge over there.
Hello.
I'm Guy Roy Davis.
Yes, you are.
Saw your show last night.
Oh.
That was God's TV show, sir.
Come here.
- Okay.
- No, not yet.
Get a room, you two.
'Cause the hug.
Hey, I'm Peter Davis.
No relation to the rev.
But you guys can just call me
Pete if you want.
- Hi, Pete.
- Yeah.
Okay, I think
we're in position here.
Wha... I need to know
the new guy's credentials.
No time, Guy Roy.
Are we ready to go here?
Yeah?
Let's light this candle.
Welcome to Divine Access.
I couldn't be more pleased.
I'd like to welcome
my guests today.
Guy Roy Davis, Jack Harriman,
and Peter Davis.
Hey, uh, and Davis,
no relation to the rev.
And you can just call me Pete.
Listen, Peter,
I'm sure our viewers
have noticed that you're wearing
a funny little hat
upon your head there.
Would you like
to tell us about it?
Oh, I'd love to,
but it's not a hat.
It is a pyramid,
and I wear it because
all throughout time...
Like,
look at the ancient Egyptians.
They understood very clearly,
if you take food
and you put it under a pyramid,
the food doesn't spoil.
Or if you take a dull knife
and you put it under a pyramid,
it becomes sharp again.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
And it's the same way
with your thought process.
The pyramid
focuses your thoughts.
So, I like to say
that the pyramid
is like, uh, glasses
for your third eye.
Or, like... I guess, like,
a monocle for your third eye.
That's amazing.
You talked that long
and said absolutely nothing.
It's preposterous.
Okay, so we have
some differences
of opinions here.
Jack, what is your take
on Pyramid Pete's theory?
I think it's awesome.
Thank you.
I haven't heard anything
about pyramids in years,
but I'm, uh,
I'm behind that 100%.
Oh, please.
Reverend Davis, you seem
to have a problem
with what Pyramid Pete
is saying.
Yes, I do.
I think that anyone
who is looking
for clarity of thought
should look no further
than a more ancient source
than the Egyptians,
and I refer
to the Old Testament,
the word of God.
Well, the way I see it,
Reverend,
is that Jesus Christ was a...
Was a rebel.
He was a badass, right?
I'm a big fan of Jesus.
Jesus, Abraham, the Buddha,
all the heavies.
And I think that Pete's
a pretty good guy, too.
Hey, thanks.
And I just wanna say,
if you wanted
to have your own pyramid,
that is something that I offer
through my website,
PyramidPete.com.
And, actually, you know,
they come in different sizes,
and it's $14.95,
and, uh...
Well, one size,
but three colors.
Reverend, is there something
that you would like to add?
I am speaking in tongues.
You know, Reverend,
speaking in tongues
wasn't exactly what happened
at the Pentecost.
- I mean, if you...
- Oh.
Yeah, if you check out
your New Testament...
- I see.
- You'll find that one man
spoke in his own language,
and he was understood
by a gathering of people
of all languages,
which I think is a great story,
great metaphor.
Well, that's it
for Divine Access.
I would like to thank
our guests,
Guy Roy Davis, Jack Harriman,
and Peter Davis.
Until next week...
peace.
Cut.
Just...
All right, that's it.
That's it.
"Peace?"
All right, Mr. Catfish,
come and get it.
You are a popular man, Jack.
Clearly.
Thank you.
Phone's been ringing
off the hook.
Congratulations.
You don't get it.
I been doing Divine Access
for three months now,
and never, and I mean never,
has there been
a response like this.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
How many calls?
Can I please get one of those?
Thanks.
It's not how many.
It's how inspired.
- That's what's...
- How many?
Like, 100?
200? What?
Four.
- 400?
- Not 400. Four.
But I had never gotten
a single call before you.
So...
Well, four people in a city
of almost a million,
that's... that's
a groundswell.
Well, you haven't heard
the best part.
There's this group.
They call themselves
the Esoteric Fellowship.
They're a little strange,
but they saw you
on Divine Access,
and they would like you
to speak at their next meeting.
No. No, I did your show
as a favor to you, okay?
Maybe a little bitch-slap
to your evangelist buddy,
but I gotta go find
a real job now.
Well, it does pay $100.
All right, I'll do it.
Really?
It's not that much.
That's awesome. All right.
We're gonna get you
warmed up tonight.
I'm gonna get you back on TV.
You're gonna get the feel of it.
I'm gonna give you
Guy Roy's spot.
We're gonna make this official.
Don't you have a contract
with that guy or something?
This is cable access.
Contract?
That's adorable.
I'll handle it.
Our Father who art in Heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done on Earth
as it is in Heaven.
The tip of the tongue
taking a trip
of three steps down the palate
to tap at 2:00
upon the teeth.
The tip of the tongue
taking a trip
of three steps down the palate
to tap at 2:00
upon the teeth.
Unique, New York,
unique New York,
unique New York.
My name
is Reverend Guy Roy Davis,
and your television
is my church.
Hey! Hey.
Can't you see the light?
What is the meaning of this?
What is he doing here?
I made an executive decision.
No, you had no right to do that.
My flock is counting on me
to give them the message
of the Lord.
Guy Roy, get out.
You. You will regret this,
and you too.
You both will regret this.
Mark my words.
The Lord Almighty
will reign vengeance
down upon you.
Beware!
Nice job handling it.
I forgot to call him.
So... go.
Hi, I'm Jack Harriman.
You're watching Divine Access,
which probably means
you have no life,
so let's talk about it.
Bob, what's... what's
the number here?
Hmm?
Bob doesn't know the number.
If anybody out there knows
the number,
give us a call.
Let us know.
Mostly because...
not really paying attention,
but as far as the future goes,
well, let's not... let's not
think about the future.
We're here
in this moment right now.
I'm here. You're here.
This... this
is all that matters.
Hello.
You're on Divine Access.
Your show sucks, dickwad.
'Kay.
Is there anything else?
- What do you mean?
- We just totaled you.
Well, thanks for calling.
Oh, hey, uh, uh,
what's the number here?
- What? Oh, okay.
- Uh, 901-8215.
901-8215
is the number.
Give us a call.
You ever think about
our orbit around the sun?
Unless the earth
gets knocked off its axis,
this time next year
we're gonna be
in the exact same place in space
that we are right now.
Hello.
You're on Divine Access.
Yeah, I just had a question
that concerns a detail
in the Bible.
Well, I'm probably
not gonna be the best help
with that kind of stuff.
I mean, you know how open
to interpretation
the good book is.
Well, I wanted to know
about the food
that God considers unclean.
Well, I can tell you this.
Back when religions
were nothing more than
basically startup companies,
God took a more
hands-on approach.
He would actually
speak to people,
and he would do so
as though they were children.
So, instead of saying,
"Don't take raw pork
or raw oysters out
into the desert
on a long hike, it's gonna spoil
and you'll get sick,"
He would make His point stronger
by saying,
"Hey, that food's unclean."
So, you're saying, like,
I could eat shrimp
if I want to, right?
I'm not gonna make that call.
That's up to you.
I sure do like shrimp.
Me too.
One of the great
theological dilemmas,
isn't it?
Yeah, it's kind of like
the speed limit
or the rules to Monopoly.
Nobody really expects
you to follow 'em.
Yeah, I had a girlfriend
who had a bird once.
Lasted six days.
But I don't want to tell you
what to do, okay?
Treat it like a bad burn.
Just leave it alone.
Stop playing with it.
Yeah, dogs are great,
aren't they?
As long as
they're somebody else's?
All right, thanks.
Thanks for calling.
- One more call?
- No. Time.
Let's take one more.
Hello, you're on Divine Access.
You make a lot of sense, Jack,
but you seem to lack
any conviction.
Did you have a question,
or are you just calling in
to help me out?
Well, my question is this.
Do you believe
the things that you say?
Well, I think what's important
is whether or not
you believe 'em.
Clever.
But the question still remains.
People aren't looking
for hollow words.
People are looking to be led
by somebody with compassion.
I think you're overstating
the value of this show.
Certainly of me.
So, you don't feel responsible
for the things that you say?
Yes, I don't.
People will never be able
to separate the messenger
from the message.
And if you don't take
responsibility
for your words,
you'll do more harm than good.
I would love to continue
this conversation,
but I'm being told
our time is up.
Caller,
I... I didn't get your name?
Hello?
Well, that's our show
for tonight.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
"We are not worthy
of your light.
Your... your eternal
love welcomes us to Heaven.
We follow you.
We follow you as servants.
We follow...
we follow you as disci..."
Ah.
Show me a sign, O Lord.
Oh, speak to me,
Heavenly Father.
Guy Roy.
Cleanup on aisle seven.
Bring a mop.
We've been trying to place you.
Place me where?
Oh, we've seen you somewhere.
Are you from television?
You're the guy that we saw
on that cable access show.
Oh, yeah!
So, you guys saw that?
What were you naughty girls
doing up that late?
Oh, it's only on, like,
20 times a day.
Okay, maybe you can
give me some advice.
All right.
Okay, so my...
so my boyfriend...
My boyfriend's
been treating me like shit,
and he never has any free time
to spend with me,
but he always has enough time
to go golfing or wakeboarding
with his buddies.
So, you're pissed off
because he's having
a good time without you?
Yeah.
You know the word "namaste"?
Trendy little greeting
at your local yoga center?
Well, the actual translation is,
"I bow to the divine
in you."
Hmm.
Maybe instead of fixating
on the things
you don't like about him,
you might wanna embrace
the things you do.
And if you can't find anything
divine in him,
let him go.
Are you saying she should
break up with her boyfriend?
Maybe.
Or maybe she should
just have a cheap,
torrid affair with somebody.
Maybe somebody on television.
Oh...
You're funny.
You're funny.
You think you're hot shit
don't you?
What's up, John?
Did you fuck her?
Did you fuck my girlfriend?
Yes or no?
Yes.
Okay.
That's it?
For now.
Well, that guy has no idea
how close he just came
to getting his ass kicked.
You slept with his girlfriend?
Wasn't a whole lot
of sleeping going on.
Hmm.
So, you don't take
any more responsibility
for your actions
than you do your words, huh?
You know what?
You can't separate
the messenger from the message.
Where have I heard that before?
Whew. Hmm.
It's a very hospitable crowd.
Really.
Nothing to worry about.
I'm not worried.
Almost forgot.
Here's your cash.
That's so uncool.
You're gonna...
You're gonna count it?
There's only $90 here.
- 10% is industry standard.
- Jack.
Oh. Welcome.
And thank you
so much for coming.
- You ready?
- I'm 90% ready.
That's a bullshit attitude.
- All right.
- Anyway.
It's gonna be great.
Can I have your attention?
Members of
the Esoteric Fellowship,
this is what we've all been
waiting for.
Please welcome Jack Harriman.
Nothing to worry about.
Not worried.
Do I look... do I look worried?
Greetings.
Shalom. Namaste.
Welcome.
On the way out here,
a couple people
told me not to worry.
I think that's good advice.
Wonder how many people in here
tonight are worried?
How about a show of hands?
How many?
There you go.
Okay.
Who's worried?
Makes you feel any better...
I'll take on the chore.
I'll be the designated worrier.
All right?
Relax, everybody.
We're gonna have
some fun tonight.
All right, listen.
A priest, rabbi,
Baptist preacher,
atheist, and a Buddhist
all in a very small boat...
Well, what can I say, Jack?
You're a natural.
I'm just telling people
what they wanna hear.
Fortunes have been built
on less.
Little Zen, little est,
little Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's a stew, really.
I'm telling you, Jack,
this is just the beginning.
Beginning of what?
I'm putting you
on a speaking tour.
I'm gonna do it.
Oh, no, you can stay home
and hang Sheetrock
and smash your fingers
with a hammer
every now and then.
That's your call.
Mr. Harrigan.
It's "Harriman."
Jack Harriman.
Well, my name's Lonnie Sparks,
and I wonder if I could have
a word with you.
All right. Sure.
Well, I lost my job down
at the rendering plant.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That's a tough break.
Week later, mama had to take
Junior to the clinic
and they found
the sugar diabetes
all throughout him.
I... I don't know
what to tell you.
Uh, take care of yourself
so you can take care
of your family.
Can I ask for your blessing?
- Please?
- No...
Just to get us over
this here rough patch.
That...
You don't understand.
That's not...
That's not what I do, okay?
What...
What are you doing?
Yep, there he goes.
All right, come on.
I gotcha. I gotcha.
Yeah, all right.
Just go ahead. Yep. Feel it.
Yep. All right.
What the fuck is happening here?
Name's Nigel.
I'm a... I'm a catcher.
- You're a what?
- A catcher.
Yeah, I... I worked
all the tent revivals
down south there.
Yeah, I could see
what was about to happen.
See, when a preacher goes
to layin' his hands on folks,
I'm there to catch 'em
when they fall.
How long do they normally
spaz out like that?
Just depends on how hard
the spirit hit 'em.
Sometimes it's like
a karate chop,
and sometimes it's just
a little Eskimo kiss.
He's not liable
to swallow his tongue
or anything?
No, I never seen
nothing like that, no.
Shoot, one time I laid out
88 worshippers
overcome by the spirit.
Yeah, not a broken fingernail
among 'em.
That was my record.
The trick is to kind of
just flow with 'em
when they're hitting the ground
there, right?
Just kind of... the way
that bullfighter
encompasses the movement
of the bull.
That's very interesting.
We should probably leave.
Well, we can't just...
Can't just leave him there
like that, can we?
He's fine, though.
Yeah, he's... he's fine.
Look at him.
He's enjoying himself.
You can tell.
Okay.
I... I sure would love
to hire onto your outfit,
if you'd have me.
I can furnish references.
Listen, you're gonna need
a good catcher.
I did it.
This...
look at this.
There he goes.
There he goes.
There he goes.
Well, that explains
the shit ton of emails.
What the fuck
have you done, Bob?
You think... think maybe
I should have been consulted
before you went and did this?
I feel like
I'm being attacked here.
I made an executive decision.
Do you think that's easy?
There's a lot of pressure there.
Maybe I should get
a little bit of credit.
That was already out there.
I just sort of repackaged it
for promotional purposes.
Look. We've already got
thousands of hits.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
"Hi, Jack. You can put
your hands on me any time."
That's what she said.
And it really is.
Making that all the funnier.
Think of the money.
Holy shit.
"If you're ever
in Corpus Christi,
you can heal
my brains out."
- How about that?
- That's not clever.
These people
clearly need you, Jack.
Think of the good you could do.
And the lives you could touch.
I'm in.
And if you're not
gonna do it for them,
- do it for me.
- I said I'll do it.
You've made me a happy man.
All right.
You're on the road next week.
Let's start in Corpus Christi.
I'm gonna give you my car.
And then maybe Brownsville.
I gotta put Nigel
on the payroll.
San Angelo.
Definitely San Angelo.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
We can skip Beaumont.
I'm not even sure
that's a real person.
Where're they going
in such a hurry?
They're going to hell, reverend.
Straight to hell.
Well, the Hilton was booked,
so I got you
the next best thing.
You're a class act, Bob.
Hey, Jack,
it's just a trial run.
Six cities in seven nights.
All right, time to go.
Last chance.
You wanna come along?
No? Okay.
Well, I'd love to,
but I got a lot of stuff
to do here.
Man behind the curtain stuff,
you know.
This time next year,
you're gonna have
your own tour bus.
Action figures,
bobble heads, inflatable dolls.
Bye, Pastor Bob. Thanks.
Seatbelt doesn't seem to work.
- Yours?
- Yeah, you'll be all right.
Well, Pastor Bob
sure is nice, huh?
Sure seems to like you a lot.
So, can you actually
support yourself
as a... a catcher?
Well, sure, you can.
Yeah.
Besides, you don't always
choose your job, right?
Sometimes your job chooses you.
Well, I don't think
you're gonna have much to do.
Well, we'll see.
Hi. Is this Doreen?
Hi, Doreen.
It's... it's Jack Harriman.
Yeah. Well, I'm, uh,
I'm in town,
giving a talk tonight.
I just thought...
Yeah.
Perfect. Okay.
All right.
I'll see you then.
See the blonde?
Third row.
Holy Tole...
Should, uh, go...
Go sit down next to her.
When the speech is over,
bring her backstage.
What if she won't come back?
You're a catcher, right?
Go catch.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jack Harriman.
Are we not... clapping?
Hi.
Guess what? Good news.
I'm not here to save you.
You're here to save yourselves.
So, um, I...
I just wanna let you know
that I need to get to know a guy
before I go any further.
Baby, come back here.
Just...
Okay.
Ugh... wait, wait, wait!
No.
She's a business major.
At a junior college.
I could tell she had brains.
You think I'll go to hell
for this?
No, no, no.
Maybe purgatory.
Yeah.
What's the difference?
In... in purgatory,
the flames are just as hot,
but you don't end up
going there forever
like you do in hell.
So, you'll spend
a little time there.
I can live with that.
Hey, Jack.
I got a question for you.
That speech you made,
you believe everything
you said there?
Do you?
Yeah, I guess.
Let's see if they believe it
in Brownsville.
What about our supper,
mini Jesus?
Do I really wanna
cook anything tonight?
You could always
just have cereal.
Thank you, MJ.
Should we, uh,
should we get some bananas
for our cereal, MJ?
As long as they're not too ripe.
I think you're right.
I think you're right, MJ.
Thank you.
Thank you for pointing it out.
And you know what?
Thank you for making it
so easy to talk to folks
and spread the word.
Guy Roy?
You've worked here for two...
three years now.
I just wanna let you know
that you have finally succeeded
in totally freaking me out.
Well, I'm sure that our Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ
freaked out his share
of disbelievers as well.
God damn, dude.
That's the shit
I'm talking about.
I shall not use
the Lord's name in vain.
Amen, MJ.
This is too much.
I'm sorry.
I'm taking you off the schedule.
What?
You can't take me
off the schedule.
Hey.
Wait. Why?
Or should I?
What's in it for me?
What's the payoff?
Well, some people strive
for a proper life,
try to do the right thing
out of fear.
Fear of damnation.
Or for the...
The reward of salvation.
Well, what if there was
no endgame?
What if we...
did the right thing
simply out of compassion?
Love for our fellow man?
And our fellow women.
What are you working on?
Oh, just a...
Just a little scribbling.
About our trip.
You mind if I take a look?
It's not real...
sure.
"And it came to pass
on the second day of the journey
in the region of Hays County,
a merchant of garments
posed a question to Jack."
"Merchant of garments?"
It was that T-shirt salesman
up in San Marcos.
Little flowery.
"A merchant of garments
posed a question to Jack.
'How may I find meaning
in a life that is consumed
with providing
for my family?'
Jack said, 'Look within.'"
Is that what you heard?
You know...
I felt like that's what
you were suggesting.
What I said to the guy was,
"What are you asking me for?
Do what makes you happy.
Watch TV.
Join a bowling league."
Right. You know,
I can change it.
I just...
back home, I'm part
of this writer's group,
and it's interesting
when we all write
about one thing,
you know,
the different impressions
about the same experience.
But in the end,
only one of us can be right.
What do you see there?
- A glass.
- Wrong.
It's a mug.
See, we're both looking
at the same thing.
From your vantage point,
it was a glass.
From mine, it's a mug.
The object is constant.
Perspective is different.
Now, the only difference
between religion and that mug
is I'm not willing to kill you
to prove it's a mug.
Jack,
that's actually quite good.
You gonna use that tonight?
I don't do props.
He doesn't do props.
Where does knowledge
come from, MJ?
All knowledge
is born from the fear of God.
And why should people be good?
To avoid the eternal damnation
in the fiery hell storm
of Satan's lair
among all
the other non-believers.
You mean to tell me that people
aren't basically good?
That's a good one, reverend.
- What do you think?
- It's a little dark.
We're committed to saving souls.
You should be committed.
No, no, you don't understand.
I have tapped into
a whole new younger demographic
with MJ here.
Clearly.
Look, reverend, I'm sorry,
but this just isn't
going to work out.
But best of luck.
To the both of you.
Bob. Hey, Bob!
It's not too late to repent.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Gloria.
- Yes.
Yeah. Your photo
doesn't do you justice.
Thank you.
Did... do you...
Do you want me to come inside?
No, let's go grab a drink.
Okay.
Do you believe in soul mates?
Did you read that book?
I feel you and I are soul mates.
I don't live
with my mother anymore.
Just...
Um, I moved out recently.
I'm so tired
of spending time with people
that just have no sense
of spirituality.
"Get out,"
is what she said to me.
I have warts,
but I don't have them
in the bad place.
I had to break up
with my ex-boyfriend
because his room
was so not feng shui,
and it was hard for me
to have an orgasm.
Watch where you're going,
you fucking asshole!
People have told me
my voice is very soothing.
Wouldn't the world
be a better place
if more people were spiritual?
I love you.
Do you believe in soul mates?
I think I already said that.
It doesn't matter because
I think I believe in soul mates,
and I think...
I think what you would say...
"Do y believe
in soul mates?"
Is he a biter, Reverend?
No.
No, I think he's a good dog.
I think he's a good dog.
Aren't you, buddy?
Aren't you, buddy?
Mini Jesus!
Faith.
It's a curious thing, isn't it?
To believe in something
absolutely.
Without question.
Without reason.
Faith can keep us going.
Or it can make us
do monstrous things.
And you can believe
with all your heart
in, um... in the Bible.
The stories depicted there
that may or may not
have happened
thousands of years ago.
And if you live your life
according to those teachings
in a positive way,
nobody gets hurt in the process,
then you put your faith
to good work.
How about reincarnation?
If that's your thing.
You follow that path,
embrace that in a positive way,
how's anybody gonna argue
with that?
If you believe
that outer space is filled
with tiny little creatures
that travel between the planets
in flying saucers...
and their company
gives you peace,
in your mind,
that's great.
That's great.
Me, I don't know.
I don't know about
any of those beliefs.
I guess I don't have the faith.
But what I do know...
is that we all
have this life here.
Now.
In common with each other.
So, believe what
you wanna believe.
Really, it's all, it's all fine.
Me... I'm gonna concentrate
on this life,
because this is the only one
that even a person without faith
cannot deny.
And we are all...
all of us here for the...
Briefest amount of time.
We gotta make that count
for something,
don't we?
For each other?
For ourselves.
You got a name?
Marian.
What's your story, Marian?
Following me?
Why would I follow somebody
who doesn't know
where he's going?
That's good. I like that.
Can I use that?
If you're lucky.
So, um,
how does this work, Jack?
Is this where I tell you
how much we have in common
and then you show me the light?
'Cause I have to admit,
it is a...
pretty sweet deal.
Let's do it.
Oh, I don't have
much experience at this,
but I know that that
hasn't stopped you before.
Not what you thought
it was gonna be, is it, Jack?
Why are you doing this?
You seem to know everything.
You tell me.
I wanna hear your version.
I'm selling ideas for cash.
Whose ideas are they?
Theirs.
Ironic, isn't it?
I don't have
any original thoughts.
Not a single one.
Don't claim to.
How convenient.
People are desperate
for answers.
Any answer.
Doesn't matter
if I believe it or not.
Long as they do.
And I'm giving 'em hope.
It's all part of the show.
So, those desperate people
who believe in you
who come to you for comfort,
they're all just part
of your show?
Oh, Jack, you're not that guy.
I know it'd be so much easier
for you if you were, but...
What do you want from me?
You know what,
what do you care anyway?
Fuck! Open the goddamn door!
Open the goddamn door,
you fucking pussy!
Open the goddamn door!
You motherfucker!
You owe me $300!
Fuck!
You all right?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'm great.
You got somebody you can call?
Yeah. Yeah, I've got
someone I can call.
They just probably
wouldn't pick up the phone.
I can give you a ride somewhere
if that's what you need.
I'm actually closed
for the evening.
Looks like you've had
an ugly night.
Thought maybe you might
wanna leave it behind.
What, and leave all this?
Stop.
I'm fine.
Please.
Okay. All right.
Well, I'm right here.
If you need anything.
Anyway, that pastor
was having a barbecue,
and one of his dogs
mounted another, right?
So they, all of a sudden,
just couldn't get 'em unstuck.
You ever see that happen?
They were just trying
to pry 'em and everything.
Nobody could do anything.
Everybody was having a laugh
at that error in nature.
So, we had
to take 'em to the vet,
and, uh, that's where I saw
your little pamphlet thing,
and I came to your show.
Oh, by the way...
I made these.
Now, I like 'em.
I think they're simple,
and we can just pass 'em out
to everybody that comes
to the show, right?
Uh, check-in's 3:00.
We should get there about noon.
Should we get some food?
Yeah.
I'm starving.
Is she still asleep back there?
Like a hibernating bear.
It's interesting.
What?
So little clothing,
so much baggage.
Pretty proud of yourself,
aren't you?
I made that up
back on the freeway,
but I just needed
to make sure she was asleep.
I got down
on my hands and knees.
I said, "Lord, you gotta
help me through this.
I'm not gonna be able
do this myself."
Man, I'll tell you,
from 50 to 75,
I don't remember nothin'.
I just remember laying people
down in front of me.
I cannot believe to this day
that I got to 88.
I started
double-teaming 'em.
Going to the next,
laying 'em on their backs.
Put their little heads on the...
Where the fuck are we?
We're right here.
You want something to eat?
I'm Jack.
That's Nigel.
Hey.
Amber.
Morning, Amber.
You guys in trouble
or something?
I hope not.
You're not, like,
running from anybody?
The cops aren't after you?
Not yet, no.
All right, well...
It's $50 for head
and $100 for everything else.
Which one of you
wants to fuck me first?
It's the deal, isn't it?
There's no deal.
Then what the fuck
am I doing here?
I don't know.
You tell me.
All right, look, dude...
It's Jack.
You can call me Jack.
Okay, Jack.
All I'm saying is that a guy
that turns down pussy
is either up to something
or there's something wrong
with him.
What the fuck
are you writing down?
Whoa. All right.
- Calm down there, miss.
- Oh, that's really cute.
Well, Amber...
there's the road.
You can hit it if you want to.
Oh, don't think I won't.
Just let me inspect it.
She's a charmer.
Let's go.
She's gonna take your money
first chance she gets.
What money?
That's not the point, Jack.
The Lord is testing
our resolve, MJ.
Ow!
Keep your faith, MJ.
We need to deliver
God's message.
It's our mission.
It is our path
to eternal salvation.
Isn't it?
Isn't it?
MJ.
All right, well, we're all set.
She's on her way.
What? How do you know?
I saw her walking
from the hotel there.
Oh, Amber. Yeah.
Good. Here.
I don't know
what you're expecting,
but getting her clothes
and a room and all that...
Well, it's the least
Bob could do.
Right.
Hey.
What do you got
against Amber, anyway?
Other than the fact
that she's a... a prostitute?
Then, you know, nothing at all.
Sweet girl.
Let me tell you something,
Nigel.
Everyone can use a catcher
now and then.
Oh, no. I... I didn't mean
nothing by it.
I know. I know.
Look, just, uh...
keep an eye on her tonight.
- Okay?
- Yeah, sure. I really didn't...
I'm all flustered.
Got my tie all messed up.
I once heard something
I thought was profound.
"Everybody's doing
the best they can."
That had an impact on me.
It allowed
for an element of patience
when I was dealing with others.
I'll tell you that.
But let's think about that
for a second.
Is everybody doing
the best they can?
Are they?
And if so, why?
Is it because people
really are basically good?
Is it because we do things
because they feel right?
When I see somebody
who's having a hard time,
down on their luck, sad...
alone...
all I can think about is...
somebody loves that person.
Somebody they were nice to.
Somebody they went
to school with.
Somebody they fought a war with.
Somebody who raised them.
Somebody's thinking
about that person right now
and hoping that they're happy.
No matter what they've done.
You see, it's...
It's really easy
to forgive other people.
It is hard to forgive yourself.
And it is hard to believe
that you are loved.
Believe that you are loved.
That's the best you can do.
Did I tell you the story
about when I stole that tractor?
Okay.
Maybe another time.
Actually, no, go ahead.
- Tell us.
- I don't wanna get you
- out of your zone there.
- No, no. Love to hear it.
Okay.
I was working
for my uncle in Lubbock,
and I didn't really know what
I was doing.
I was trying...
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Fair enough.
Well...
call me if you need me.
Yeah.
Either Bob or myself.
Sorry you didn't get
to catch anybody.
Maybe on the next tour,
all right?
Okay. Bye.
You gonna stay in the back seat?
Still wondering
what the deal is?
Mm, no.
That's good.
Someone must be having a party.
Cool.
Hey, what's going on?
There's a man up ahead.
He's got the answers
to everything
you ever wanted to know.
What was that?
Let's just say we have history.
Hey, is that him?
Hey, that's him.
Oh, sick.
Hey.
Get in here.
So, are you always this popular?
No. Normally, I hang
Sheetrock and wallpaper
in relative obscurity.
- Y-ellow.
- Hi, Bob.
What the fuck have you done now?
Jack, welcome back.
I got the cast
of Grapes of Wrath
hanging out on my front lawn.
How'd they find me?
That's awesome.
How many are...
Don't do a headcount, but...
Oh, you think that's funny?
It's not fuckin' funny,
Bob, okay?
Look, just get over here.
Fix this.
- I want them gone.
- You gotta relax.
Cavalry's on its way.
I'll take care of this, okay?
Just chill out.
I can just go talk to them
and see what they want.
No.
No.
We're staying here.
Well, don't you think
that you should go talk to them?
What?
Me? No.
Yeah, you.
They're here to see you.
No.
Bob's mess.
He can fix it.
They're just people, Jack.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, he's coming.
Put the hot dog down.
Hey, y'all, it's Jack.
I know you're all here
in search of something.
Yes, sir.
I expect some of you came
from pretty far away, huh?
Some of you are tired.
Stressed out.
I know how that feels.
Well, I wish I had some wisdom
for you, but I don't.
Just as lost as you are.
Amen, brother.
No, see, no.
No! That...
Yep. Amen.
I'm not a man of the cloth.
You wanna pray?
All right, pray.
Pray... pray for each other.
Or don't pray.
That's fine with me too.
Either way.
I think it's best
that y'all just...
just go home.
Well, you say we should go home,
but some of these folks
ain't got no home.
Well, I can't help you there.
See?
Man you all came here for
doesn't know jack shit.
The city has shelters.
Uh...
Just across the lake,
there's a state park.
They allow camping.
You want to serve something?
Why don't you serve each other?
Help each other out.
No, thanks.
You might want to...
slow down.
Oh, my God.
Somebody help him.
- Is he all right?
- I'm sure he'll be fine.
- He's dead.
- What?
Somebody call 911.
All right, okay.
Move.
All right.
All right, Jack.
What do you need?
What are you doing?
- Whoa!
- Oh, my God!
Saints be praised!
That man was dead as
a door knob.
- Praise Jesus.
- Amen. Amen.
And... And Jack Harrison
here,
he raised me
from the pit of death.
- Uh, it's Harriman.
- It's truly a miracle.
- Harriman.
- Yes, it is.
And, no, I didn't.
You choked on some food.
I cleared your air passage.
I tell you what,
I seen that dang ol'
tunnel of light.
Tell us.
- And Jack Harrison, here...
- Harriman.
He raised me
from the pit of death.
There was my old buddies
already passed over,
they was waving howdy at me,
and my grandma welcoming me
with open arms.
Testify, Lonnie.
I've been there.
I've seen the...
I've seen the whole nine yards.
Preach it, brother.
You wasn't gone that long...
Shut up, Carl.
Like Lazarus...
- It was a miracle.
- I was dead.
It's a miracle.
And I... I'm alive.
- All right, listen...
- I've never been more alive!
- Praise Jesus!
- Atta boy, Lonnie!
Everybody...
there was no miracle here today.
You want to believe something?
Believe that.
Everybody, just please...
leave.
- Okay.
- Not you.
- Okay. No, you guys go.
- Go home.
What was it like, Lonnie?
Welcome back, Lonnie.
What was it like
on the other side, Lonnie?
Yep.
Pretty sure I made a catch
on one or two of them
in the tent revival
about a month ago.
Speaking of, nice catching
out there today, catcher.
I was out of position.
You were out of position.
It took that guy an hour
to hit the ground.
- I was writing.
- No, you weren't.
- I was...
- Surprisingly good hot dogs.
What'd I miss?
Hey, Bob.
Good of you to come.
Drummin' up business
for the show.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Listen, I don't think
I can do this shit anymore.
I...
I need my privacy.
I... I come home,
I got over 300 e-mails,
plus I got the God squad
camped out on my front yard,
I can't...
I'm fuckin' tired.
All right?
These are just growing pains,
Jack.
It's nothing to worry about.
It's all part
of the master plan.
Oh, there's a plan?
That's comforting.
There's something
happening here.
Who are you, again?
No, she's right, Jack.
I mean, look,
I don't think you raised
that weird guy
from the dead or nothin',
but I seen him out
on the road here.
He is affecting people.
You are, Jack.
Whether you like it or not.
All I'm saying is that...
Jack just looked at me,
and that's all it took.
Quit staring at my tits.
Am I fuckin' high right now?
I mean, it's bad enough
I gotta put up with
the unwashed masses thinking
I'm the fuckin' Second Coming.
Now I gotta hear it
from you guys.
This is...
Amber.
You can stay.
I don't want to hear
another word about this,
all right?
Bob, Nigel, good night.
- What?
- Go.
Come on. Let's go.
Why does she get to stay?
Do I have to explain that
to you?
Morning, Jack.
What are you doin'?
You scared the shit out of me.
Leave me alone.
All right?
Get the fuck out of here!
Put my boat back.
God can clean your soul
faster than I can clean
your windshield.
Blessed be to Jesus.
Blessed be His holy name.
Guy Roy.
Bob?
Hey, I want to talk to you.
I got business to discuss
with you.
My day's goin' great.
I'm standin' on a street corner.
- You know whose...
- Fine. Get in.
Get in!
I can't just stop here.
You know what? I gotta
tell you something, man.
You gotta stop makin'
a spectacle out of yourself.
I have been banished
from my place of employment,
my landlord is about
to toss me into the street,
and the minions of evil
have struck upon me
with a great and swift fury,
as a hammer to an anvil,
but I will not bend.
Yeah, well, it's no excuse
for lurkin' on street corners.
I mean, look,
you did a shitty job
washing the windshield.
Your rag is dirtier
than the glass.
- You owe me.
- How do you figure that?
Because you didn't deliver
on your promise.
I deserve air time.
If I have air time,
I won't need street corners.
I'm going to be honest
with you, Guy Roy.
You're not television material.
Look at yourself.
You have been persuaded by lies.
Lies of the popular culture.
Lies of politicians.
Lies of Jack Harriman.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I remember his name
because he stole my show.
He stole my following.
All right. Here's where
you get out, Reverend Davis.
One day, I will be looking down
from among the heavenly host
to see both you
and Jack Harriman
burning in the flames
of eternal damnation,
and I will throw
another log on the fire.
With pleasure.
That is just terrible.
And not very Christian,
and I'm going to pray for you.
Get the hell out of my car.
You have not seen the last
of Guy Roy Davis.
Serpent shows himself.
Only to taunt and torment me.
Yes, I know who you are.
Hey, man, be cool.
Stay the fuck away
from my girlfriend, Jack.
If I get up,
are you going to hit me again?
No.
Oh, hi, Marian.
Oh, Jack, you're bleeding.
Why are you stalking me?
Walk with me, Jack.
So, you talk about love,
acceptance, tolerance,
and it's...
all very inclusive,
but...
well, people are drawn
to you, Jack.
And that's a problem.
You're worried I'm going
to lead them astray.
No.
It's not them I'm worried about.
Jack, is there any part of you
that believes in anything
that you say?
Okay, well, what about
the people that believe in you?
Don't they matter?
To tell you the truth, I'm...
having a hard time
giving a shit.
So, you don't care about
the people that you've touched?
- Yes, I don't care.
- Okay, what about Amber?
All right.
Who the fuck are you?
You're not that big
of a hypocrite, Jack.
Oh, you're overestimating me.
Oh, grow up.
This... This indifference
is just...
It's not indifference.
It's detachment.
Like a Buddhist.
Okay. All right, Jack.
Once and for all,
what do you believe?
I don't fuckin' know!
All right?
I don't have a fucking clue.
And guess what.
Nobody does.
Because you can't know
the unknowable.
I mean, what...
What was happening
before the Big Bang?
What's the universe expanding
into?
Are we... Are we just
a failed experiment?
Are we...
Are we fuckin' miracles?
Personally, I find peace
in not knowing.
Most do not.
So, they make up
fuckin' stories.
Stories that keep them comfy
so they can sleep at night.
And these stories have
such fuckin' arbitrary rules.
Don't they?
But they're rules
that people are willing
to die for.
And kill for.
'Cause it's not enough
that you believe your own story.
You gotta be absolutely
fuckin' certain
that everybody else is wrong.
People fly planes into buildings
because
they're absolutely certain.
They blow up abortion clinics.
Decisions made by people
looking beyond this life
are fucking dangerous.
You know what I believe in?
Marian?
I believe in myself.
Because that is the only thing
that I really fuckin' know.
Well, that's, uh...
very impressive, Jack.
But a revelation like that
without...
compassion...
is just complaining.
You know what your problem is?
You're so wrapped up
in your own petty resentments
and your own ego
that you can't see
the world in front of you.
Fuck.
What are you doin'?
Hey.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
You're bleeding.
I was trying to avoid
hitting a deer.
You look pitiful.
Here, sit down.
Okay, let me look at you.
Oh, does it hurt?
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
Let me look at it.
No, just let me look at it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
It's not that bad.
I'll go get, like,
a wet rag or something.
Oh, hey.
I mean, as long
as you're down there...
Oh, fuck.
I'm sorry.
No, Jack.
Don't be sorry.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Don't be sorry.
- Don't. Don't.
- Is that what you want, Jack?
- No, I don't...
- No, you want me
- to suck your big cock?
- No, I don't.
You want me to suck
your fucking cock?
You stop it.
Oh, God, Jack,
is that the best you can do?
Really? Really?
You're just going
to act like an asshole
so that nobody
expects anything from you?
I have been fucked
by so many assholes, Jack,
and you are not even close
to being one of them.
Enjoy your fucking hangover.
Hey, God damn it!
You got any idea
what time it is?
Turn that shit off
before I call the cops.
Amber.
- What?
- You decent?
Are you?
Made some coffee.
Thanks.
I had mine four hours ago.
Uh... listen, uh,
about last night, I...
What do
all these wonderful people
want from me?
No, I said, "Go fish."
Answers.
Me too.
Ah, there it is.
You're littering.
What do you want me to do?
You want to hit one?
Go ahead.
Okay.
- This should be good.
- Shut up.
All right.
Mm.
Bend your knees a little bit.
Stand up a little straighter.
Bend your knees a little bit.
There you go. Good.
Concentrate.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Swing away.
Oh, sh...
Shut up.
There you go. Perfect.
Fore!
You know you're littering.
Mom.
- Come here.
- Hi, Mom.
Oh.
I met your friends downstairs.
They seem really nice.
And she...
She seems to know everything
there is to know about me.
It's very weird.
I don't even know if she's...
I don't even know
if she's real, Mom.
I don't... I don't get it.
She could have been
a vision, sweetheart.
Did you ever consider that?
Let me feel your forehead.
It's just as I suspected.
What? Am I hot?
No. Your third eye
is a little bloodshot.
When's the last time
you saw an acupuncturist?
And that's my mom.
You know, the word
on the streets of Calcutta is
that she and I were twins
in Atlantis at one time.
Right?
What are you doing, Mom?
Just hold still.
Hold still!
You're thinning a little
on top, Jack.
- That's great.
- Yeah, that's great!
That makes you feel good?
Son's going bald?
My son is opening his crown
to heaven.
I wouldn't be so quick
to discount
this vision of Marian.
Forgive us, Amber.
This is how baboons bond
with each other.
Stop it.
It's called socialized grooming.
At what, um...
What happened to Australia,
by the way?
Nothing that I know of.
Did I miss some news?
You told me you were
going to Melbourne, so.
Oh. No.
I got Amber's e-mail,
and I came
as quickly as I could.
- I needed reinforcements.
- And you did the right thing.
Sometimes you just need
your mom, you know?
The universe will do
what it's going to do, Amber.
And there's always
a reason for it.
You just have to be willing
to deal with any obstacles.
Especially obstacles
of your own making.
Sounds familiar.
Mom.
- You must be tired, right?
- Mm-hmm.
I did a little meditating
over the Atlantic.
I feel pretty good.
But I could sleep.
Well, you get my bed tonight.
I'm glad you're my mom
this time around.
My little baby boy.
- Good night.
- Good night.
She's lovely.
Morning.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Good morning, Jack.
Hey, Lonnie. Guys.
Something like that.
- I'll check it out.
- Okay.
All right, it's show time.
Okay.
You can do this.
Thanks, Mom.
All right.
Hey, we got
a pretty big crowd here.
You ready?
I think so.
All right,
what I want you to do is
imagine that they're all
in their underwear.
I saw that on an episode
of The Brady Bunch,
and it seemed like it worked.
Yeah, I saw that one too.
See you later.
Hey, uh...
Stay close to Mom today.
And Amber.
Jack, I...
I got a confession to make.
I'm a liar.
Just the accent and...
working revivals and...
I've never caught anybody.
I mean, I caught that one guy.
That just... was because
I was standing there.
And I took advantage of it.
- I just needed a job.
- I know.
You did?
Also, nothing I've written
has ever been published.
Well...
this is shaping up to be
a pretty good story.
Right?
Come on, Jack!
There he is,
the one-man circus.
Guy Roy.
If you
and that creepy-ass puppet
aren't out of here
in two seconds,
I'm calling security.
You gotta go.
You gotta go.
You gotta go.
Fine. Security.
Bob, wait.
He needs our help.
Get back.
Are you sure?
I'm certain.
- Gotta get out of here.
- Let's go. Let's go.
They shot him.
- Come here.
- Jack.
Look what you've done!
I'm glad you finally
made a catch.
Somebody get help!
Get help please!
Jack. Look at me, Jack.
Stay awake.
Stay awake.
Jack.
Jack, stay awake.
Jack. Stay awake.
Jack.
Somewhere in the vast expanse
between reason and faith
lies possibility.
It's all up to us...
to touch people
by sharing our stories
and listening to theirs.
To take care of each other.
Imperfect people
in an imperfect world.
To love and be loved.
Forgive and accept forgiveness.
To choose our lives
or to change them.
Create, not destroy.
And if we can somehow
find our place here
make this a heaven on Earth,
anything is possible.
I've been accused
of being an underachiever.
Hey, I'd rather underachieve
than surpass my potential
and remain insignificant.
So, I was raised by my mother,
a self-proclaimed
spiritualist.
She did her best
to teach me things
like openness
and tolerance, and...
I don't know.
I wasn't paying attention.
My mind was on other things.
After my father left,
my mother yearned for meaning
in her new life,
to fill a hole
she never knew existed.
And when I wasn't
otherwise distracted,
I guess I soaked up
everything she did.
Before long,
I knew more about religion
and so-called spirituality
than most theologians.
Who knew that
all that residual knowledge
would ever have
any significance in my life.
You kidding me?
What?
My, uh...
my buddy's TV show's on.
I gotta watch it.
You... you should see this.
To lift his arms above his head.
God is healing
those joints right now.
I see a man.
A man gripped... gripped
by the homosexual lifestyle,
but God is...
God is stepping in
and taking over, and he...
he is cured of that abomination
at this very moment.
There is a tornado coming...
There is a tornado...
What, are you leaving?
It's late. I gotta go.
If I'm not home
when John gets there,
he'd kill the both of us.
I thought you two broke up.
I mean, it's better this way.
Absolutely.
You understand.
It's not personal.
You had me at "I gotta go."
You don't have to be
a dick about it.
Wait, what?
Well, you think you can just
fuck me and kick me out?
I'm sorry.
Did I miss something?
I'm so stupid.
This was a mistake.
Everybody was right about you.
You're an asshole.
"Everybody?"
My name is
the Reverend Guy Roy Davis,
and your television
is my church.
"Hi, sweetheart.
Did a past-life
regression yesterday,
and guess what.
You and I were twins
in Atlantis.
Pretty wild, huh?
I have an opportunity to study
with the Brahma Kumaris
in Melbourne.
Wish me luck."
Good luck, Mom.
Hi.
You can't pretend
you're not home
when I can see you.
You know how that works, right?
Sorry, Bob.
Thought it might be you.
If I lived
on the water like this,
I would be fishing every day.
Crack of dawn.
- You wanna go fishing?
- I do. Do you have any bait?
Go dig around
by the edge of the lake.
Grab a bucket or something.
I'll be down in a second.
Great. I got something
I wanna run by you.
A very special opportunity.
Ah.
Did you watch the show
last night?
Yeah. I did.
Pretty sure you've reached
an all-time low with that guy.
I'm glad you said that.
Jack, you're charming.
Sort of.
And that's what the show needs.
"Sort of charm" Jack Harriman.
Yeah. Okay.
Here we go.
What?
I want you on the show.
I want you on the goddamn show.
You want me on
the goddamn religion show?
Well, religion, philosophy,
whatever you want.
You've seen it all.
Yeah, well, I would, Bob,
but I just remembered
I have anything else to do.
It's a panel with a reverend
and maybe a couple
of other guys.
I don't wanna see you miss
a very special opportunity.
So... you want me to...
To debate religion,
philosophy, whatever,
with your reverend?
In a word, yes.
All right.
That's awesome.
I knew I could count on you.
They should call
your lake "no fish,"
because I've never ever
caught anything here.
Not even a nibble.
Let's try it over there.
Hmm.
Okay.
Lord Almighty.
Oh, baby.
How did you do that?
How did you know
that fish was there?
Hey, so I'll see you
at 2:00 a.m. tonight.
Don't wear white.
Okay, well, look,
it may not look like much,
but within these hallowed walls,
ideas are transmitted to homes
across the entire
television cable system.
How many homes?
Well, that depends
upon whom you ask.
Gentlemen,
change in format today.
This is Jack Harriman,
and he is going
to round out the panel.
Oh, good. Fine.
We're gonna have a discussion
with the three of you,
and I am going to moderate.
Jack, why don't you
head over there
and then they'll mic you up.
Excuse me.
You... you're going
to moderate?
I was under the impression
that I was hosting the program.
Yes, you were.
Jack, and you'll sit
in the middle,
and then, Pete,
if you could be on that end.
And, Reverend, if you could
just grab an edge over there.
Hello.
I'm Guy Roy Davis.
Yes, you are.
Saw your show last night.
Oh.
That was God's TV show, sir.
Come here.
- Okay.
- No, not yet.
Get a room, you two.
'Cause the hug.
Hey, I'm Peter Davis.
No relation to the rev.
But you guys can just call me
Pete if you want.
- Hi, Pete.
- Yeah.
Okay, I think
we're in position here.
Wha... I need to know
the new guy's credentials.
No time, Guy Roy.
Are we ready to go here?
Yeah?
Let's light this candle.
Welcome to Divine Access.
I couldn't be more pleased.
I'd like to welcome
my guests today.
Guy Roy Davis, Jack Harriman,
and Peter Davis.
Hey, uh, and Davis,
no relation to the rev.
And you can just call me Pete.
Listen, Peter,
I'm sure our viewers
have noticed that you're wearing
a funny little hat
upon your head there.
Would you like
to tell us about it?
Oh, I'd love to,
but it's not a hat.
It is a pyramid,
and I wear it because
all throughout time...
Like,
look at the ancient Egyptians.
They understood very clearly,
if you take food
and you put it under a pyramid,
the food doesn't spoil.
Or if you take a dull knife
and you put it under a pyramid,
it becomes sharp again.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
And it's the same way
with your thought process.
The pyramid
focuses your thoughts.
So, I like to say
that the pyramid
is like, uh, glasses
for your third eye.
Or, like... I guess, like,
a monocle for your third eye.
That's amazing.
You talked that long
and said absolutely nothing.
It's preposterous.
Okay, so we have
some differences
of opinions here.
Jack, what is your take
on Pyramid Pete's theory?
I think it's awesome.
Thank you.
I haven't heard anything
about pyramids in years,
but I'm, uh,
I'm behind that 100%.
Oh, please.
Reverend Davis, you seem
to have a problem
with what Pyramid Pete
is saying.
Yes, I do.
I think that anyone
who is looking
for clarity of thought
should look no further
than a more ancient source
than the Egyptians,
and I refer
to the Old Testament,
the word of God.
Well, the way I see it,
Reverend,
is that Jesus Christ was a...
Was a rebel.
He was a badass, right?
I'm a big fan of Jesus.
Jesus, Abraham, the Buddha,
all the heavies.
And I think that Pete's
a pretty good guy, too.
Hey, thanks.
And I just wanna say,
if you wanted
to have your own pyramid,
that is something that I offer
through my website,
PyramidPete.com.
And, actually, you know,
they come in different sizes,
and it's $14.95,
and, uh...
Well, one size,
but three colors.
Reverend, is there something
that you would like to add?
I am speaking in tongues.
You know, Reverend,
speaking in tongues
wasn't exactly what happened
at the Pentecost.
- I mean, if you...
- Oh.
Yeah, if you check out
your New Testament...
- I see.
- You'll find that one man
spoke in his own language,
and he was understood
by a gathering of people
of all languages,
which I think is a great story,
great metaphor.
Well, that's it
for Divine Access.
I would like to thank
our guests,
Guy Roy Davis, Jack Harriman,
and Peter Davis.
Until next week...
peace.
Cut.
Just...
All right, that's it.
That's it.
"Peace?"
All right, Mr. Catfish,
come and get it.
You are a popular man, Jack.
Clearly.
Thank you.
Phone's been ringing
off the hook.
Congratulations.
You don't get it.
I been doing Divine Access
for three months now,
and never, and I mean never,
has there been
a response like this.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
How many calls?
Can I please get one of those?
Thanks.
It's not how many.
It's how inspired.
- That's what's...
- How many?
Like, 100?
200? What?
Four.
- 400?
- Not 400. Four.
But I had never gotten
a single call before you.
So...
Well, four people in a city
of almost a million,
that's... that's
a groundswell.
Well, you haven't heard
the best part.
There's this group.
They call themselves
the Esoteric Fellowship.
They're a little strange,
but they saw you
on Divine Access,
and they would like you
to speak at their next meeting.
No. No, I did your show
as a favor to you, okay?
Maybe a little bitch-slap
to your evangelist buddy,
but I gotta go find
a real job now.
Well, it does pay $100.
All right, I'll do it.
Really?
It's not that much.
That's awesome. All right.
We're gonna get you
warmed up tonight.
I'm gonna get you back on TV.
You're gonna get the feel of it.
I'm gonna give you
Guy Roy's spot.
We're gonna make this official.
Don't you have a contract
with that guy or something?
This is cable access.
Contract?
That's adorable.
I'll handle it.
Our Father who art in Heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done on Earth
as it is in Heaven.
The tip of the tongue
taking a trip
of three steps down the palate
to tap at 2:00
upon the teeth.
The tip of the tongue
taking a trip
of three steps down the palate
to tap at 2:00
upon the teeth.
Unique, New York,
unique New York,
unique New York.
My name
is Reverend Guy Roy Davis,
and your television
is my church.
Hey! Hey.
Can't you see the light?
What is the meaning of this?
What is he doing here?
I made an executive decision.
No, you had no right to do that.
My flock is counting on me
to give them the message
of the Lord.
Guy Roy, get out.
You. You will regret this,
and you too.
You both will regret this.
Mark my words.
The Lord Almighty
will reign vengeance
down upon you.
Beware!
Nice job handling it.
I forgot to call him.
So... go.
Hi, I'm Jack Harriman.
You're watching Divine Access,
which probably means
you have no life,
so let's talk about it.
Bob, what's... what's
the number here?
Hmm?
Bob doesn't know the number.
If anybody out there knows
the number,
give us a call.
Let us know.
Mostly because...
not really paying attention,
but as far as the future goes,
well, let's not... let's not
think about the future.
We're here
in this moment right now.
I'm here. You're here.
This... this
is all that matters.
Hello.
You're on Divine Access.
Your show sucks, dickwad.
'Kay.
Is there anything else?
- What do you mean?
- We just totaled you.
Well, thanks for calling.
Oh, hey, uh, uh,
what's the number here?
- What? Oh, okay.
- Uh, 901-8215.
901-8215
is the number.
Give us a call.
You ever think about
our orbit around the sun?
Unless the earth
gets knocked off its axis,
this time next year
we're gonna be
in the exact same place in space
that we are right now.
Hello.
You're on Divine Access.
Yeah, I just had a question
that concerns a detail
in the Bible.
Well, I'm probably
not gonna be the best help
with that kind of stuff.
I mean, you know how open
to interpretation
the good book is.
Well, I wanted to know
about the food
that God considers unclean.
Well, I can tell you this.
Back when religions
were nothing more than
basically startup companies,
God took a more
hands-on approach.
He would actually
speak to people,
and he would do so
as though they were children.
So, instead of saying,
"Don't take raw pork
or raw oysters out
into the desert
on a long hike, it's gonna spoil
and you'll get sick,"
He would make His point stronger
by saying,
"Hey, that food's unclean."
So, you're saying, like,
I could eat shrimp
if I want to, right?
I'm not gonna make that call.
That's up to you.
I sure do like shrimp.
Me too.
One of the great
theological dilemmas,
isn't it?
Yeah, it's kind of like
the speed limit
or the rules to Monopoly.
Nobody really expects
you to follow 'em.
Yeah, I had a girlfriend
who had a bird once.
Lasted six days.
But I don't want to tell you
what to do, okay?
Treat it like a bad burn.
Just leave it alone.
Stop playing with it.
Yeah, dogs are great,
aren't they?
As long as
they're somebody else's?
All right, thanks.
Thanks for calling.
- One more call?
- No. Time.
Let's take one more.
Hello, you're on Divine Access.
You make a lot of sense, Jack,
but you seem to lack
any conviction.
Did you have a question,
or are you just calling in
to help me out?
Well, my question is this.
Do you believe
the things that you say?
Well, I think what's important
is whether or not
you believe 'em.
Clever.
But the question still remains.
People aren't looking
for hollow words.
People are looking to be led
by somebody with compassion.
I think you're overstating
the value of this show.
Certainly of me.
So, you don't feel responsible
for the things that you say?
Yes, I don't.
People will never be able
to separate the messenger
from the message.
And if you don't take
responsibility
for your words,
you'll do more harm than good.
I would love to continue
this conversation,
but I'm being told
our time is up.
Caller,
I... I didn't get your name?
Hello?
Well, that's our show
for tonight.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
"We are not worthy
of your light.
Your... your eternal
love welcomes us to Heaven.
We follow you.
We follow you as servants.
We follow...
we follow you as disci..."
Ah.
Show me a sign, O Lord.
Oh, speak to me,
Heavenly Father.
Guy Roy.
Cleanup on aisle seven.
Bring a mop.
We've been trying to place you.
Place me where?
Oh, we've seen you somewhere.
Are you from television?
You're the guy that we saw
on that cable access show.
Oh, yeah!
So, you guys saw that?
What were you naughty girls
doing up that late?
Oh, it's only on, like,
20 times a day.
Okay, maybe you can
give me some advice.
All right.
Okay, so my...
so my boyfriend...
My boyfriend's
been treating me like shit,
and he never has any free time
to spend with me,
but he always has enough time
to go golfing or wakeboarding
with his buddies.
So, you're pissed off
because he's having
a good time without you?
Yeah.
You know the word "namaste"?
Trendy little greeting
at your local yoga center?
Well, the actual translation is,
"I bow to the divine
in you."
Hmm.
Maybe instead of fixating
on the things
you don't like about him,
you might wanna embrace
the things you do.
And if you can't find anything
divine in him,
let him go.
Are you saying she should
break up with her boyfriend?
Maybe.
Or maybe she should
just have a cheap,
torrid affair with somebody.
Maybe somebody on television.
Oh...
You're funny.
You're funny.
You think you're hot shit
don't you?
What's up, John?
Did you fuck her?
Did you fuck my girlfriend?
Yes or no?
Yes.
Okay.
That's it?
For now.
Well, that guy has no idea
how close he just came
to getting his ass kicked.
You slept with his girlfriend?
Wasn't a whole lot
of sleeping going on.
Hmm.
So, you don't take
any more responsibility
for your actions
than you do your words, huh?
You know what?
You can't separate
the messenger from the message.
Where have I heard that before?
Whew. Hmm.
It's a very hospitable crowd.
Really.
Nothing to worry about.
I'm not worried.
Almost forgot.
Here's your cash.
That's so uncool.
You're gonna...
You're gonna count it?
There's only $90 here.
- 10% is industry standard.
- Jack.
Oh. Welcome.
And thank you
so much for coming.
- You ready?
- I'm 90% ready.
That's a bullshit attitude.
- All right.
- Anyway.
It's gonna be great.
Can I have your attention?
Members of
the Esoteric Fellowship,
this is what we've all been
waiting for.
Please welcome Jack Harriman.
Nothing to worry about.
Not worried.
Do I look... do I look worried?
Greetings.
Shalom. Namaste.
Welcome.
On the way out here,
a couple people
told me not to worry.
I think that's good advice.
Wonder how many people in here
tonight are worried?
How about a show of hands?
How many?
There you go.
Okay.
Who's worried?
Makes you feel any better...
I'll take on the chore.
I'll be the designated worrier.
All right?
Relax, everybody.
We're gonna have
some fun tonight.
All right, listen.
A priest, rabbi,
Baptist preacher,
atheist, and a Buddhist
all in a very small boat...
Well, what can I say, Jack?
You're a natural.
I'm just telling people
what they wanna hear.
Fortunes have been built
on less.
Little Zen, little est,
little Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's a stew, really.
I'm telling you, Jack,
this is just the beginning.
Beginning of what?
I'm putting you
on a speaking tour.
I'm gonna do it.
Oh, no, you can stay home
and hang Sheetrock
and smash your fingers
with a hammer
every now and then.
That's your call.
Mr. Harrigan.
It's "Harriman."
Jack Harriman.
Well, my name's Lonnie Sparks,
and I wonder if I could have
a word with you.
All right. Sure.
Well, I lost my job down
at the rendering plant.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That's a tough break.
Week later, mama had to take
Junior to the clinic
and they found
the sugar diabetes
all throughout him.
I... I don't know
what to tell you.
Uh, take care of yourself
so you can take care
of your family.
Can I ask for your blessing?
- Please?
- No...
Just to get us over
this here rough patch.
That...
You don't understand.
That's not...
That's not what I do, okay?
What...
What are you doing?
Yep, there he goes.
All right, come on.
I gotcha. I gotcha.
Yeah, all right.
Just go ahead. Yep. Feel it.
Yep. All right.
What the fuck is happening here?
Name's Nigel.
I'm a... I'm a catcher.
- You're a what?
- A catcher.
Yeah, I... I worked
all the tent revivals
down south there.
Yeah, I could see
what was about to happen.
See, when a preacher goes
to layin' his hands on folks,
I'm there to catch 'em
when they fall.
How long do they normally
spaz out like that?
Just depends on how hard
the spirit hit 'em.
Sometimes it's like
a karate chop,
and sometimes it's just
a little Eskimo kiss.
He's not liable
to swallow his tongue
or anything?
No, I never seen
nothing like that, no.
Shoot, one time I laid out
88 worshippers
overcome by the spirit.
Yeah, not a broken fingernail
among 'em.
That was my record.
The trick is to kind of
just flow with 'em
when they're hitting the ground
there, right?
Just kind of... the way
that bullfighter
encompasses the movement
of the bull.
That's very interesting.
We should probably leave.
Well, we can't just...
Can't just leave him there
like that, can we?
He's fine, though.
Yeah, he's... he's fine.
Look at him.
He's enjoying himself.
You can tell.
Okay.
I... I sure would love
to hire onto your outfit,
if you'd have me.
I can furnish references.
Listen, you're gonna need
a good catcher.
I did it.
This...
look at this.
There he goes.
There he goes.
There he goes.
Well, that explains
the shit ton of emails.
What the fuck
have you done, Bob?
You think... think maybe
I should have been consulted
before you went and did this?
I feel like
I'm being attacked here.
I made an executive decision.
Do you think that's easy?
There's a lot of pressure there.
Maybe I should get
a little bit of credit.
That was already out there.
I just sort of repackaged it
for promotional purposes.
Look. We've already got
thousands of hits.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
"Hi, Jack. You can put
your hands on me any time."
That's what she said.
And it really is.
Making that all the funnier.
Think of the money.
Holy shit.
"If you're ever
in Corpus Christi,
you can heal
my brains out."
- How about that?
- That's not clever.
These people
clearly need you, Jack.
Think of the good you could do.
And the lives you could touch.
I'm in.
And if you're not
gonna do it for them,
- do it for me.
- I said I'll do it.
You've made me a happy man.
All right.
You're on the road next week.
Let's start in Corpus Christi.
I'm gonna give you my car.
And then maybe Brownsville.
I gotta put Nigel
on the payroll.
San Angelo.
Definitely San Angelo.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
We can skip Beaumont.
I'm not even sure
that's a real person.
Where're they going
in such a hurry?
They're going to hell, reverend.
Straight to hell.
Well, the Hilton was booked,
so I got you
the next best thing.
You're a class act, Bob.
Hey, Jack,
it's just a trial run.
Six cities in seven nights.
All right, time to go.
Last chance.
You wanna come along?
No? Okay.
Well, I'd love to,
but I got a lot of stuff
to do here.
Man behind the curtain stuff,
you know.
This time next year,
you're gonna have
your own tour bus.
Action figures,
bobble heads, inflatable dolls.
Bye, Pastor Bob. Thanks.
Seatbelt doesn't seem to work.
- Yours?
- Yeah, you'll be all right.
Well, Pastor Bob
sure is nice, huh?
Sure seems to like you a lot.
So, can you actually
support yourself
as a... a catcher?
Well, sure, you can.
Yeah.
Besides, you don't always
choose your job, right?
Sometimes your job chooses you.
Well, I don't think
you're gonna have much to do.
Well, we'll see.
Hi. Is this Doreen?
Hi, Doreen.
It's... it's Jack Harriman.
Yeah. Well, I'm, uh,
I'm in town,
giving a talk tonight.
I just thought...
Yeah.
Perfect. Okay.
All right.
I'll see you then.
See the blonde?
Third row.
Holy Tole...
Should, uh, go...
Go sit down next to her.
When the speech is over,
bring her backstage.
What if she won't come back?
You're a catcher, right?
Go catch.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jack Harriman.
Are we not... clapping?
Hi.
Guess what? Good news.
I'm not here to save you.
You're here to save yourselves.
So, um, I...
I just wanna let you know
that I need to get to know a guy
before I go any further.
Baby, come back here.
Just...
Okay.
Ugh... wait, wait, wait!
No.
She's a business major.
At a junior college.
I could tell she had brains.
You think I'll go to hell
for this?
No, no, no.
Maybe purgatory.
Yeah.
What's the difference?
In... in purgatory,
the flames are just as hot,
but you don't end up
going there forever
like you do in hell.
So, you'll spend
a little time there.
I can live with that.
Hey, Jack.
I got a question for you.
That speech you made,
you believe everything
you said there?
Do you?
Yeah, I guess.
Let's see if they believe it
in Brownsville.
What about our supper,
mini Jesus?
Do I really wanna
cook anything tonight?
You could always
just have cereal.
Thank you, MJ.
Should we, uh,
should we get some bananas
for our cereal, MJ?
As long as they're not too ripe.
I think you're right.
I think you're right, MJ.
Thank you.
Thank you for pointing it out.
And you know what?
Thank you for making it
so easy to talk to folks
and spread the word.
Guy Roy?
You've worked here for two...
three years now.
I just wanna let you know
that you have finally succeeded
in totally freaking me out.
Well, I'm sure that our Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ
freaked out his share
of disbelievers as well.
God damn, dude.
That's the shit
I'm talking about.
I shall not use
the Lord's name in vain.
Amen, MJ.
This is too much.
I'm sorry.
I'm taking you off the schedule.
What?
You can't take me
off the schedule.
Hey.
Wait. Why?
Or should I?
What's in it for me?
What's the payoff?
Well, some people strive
for a proper life,
try to do the right thing
out of fear.
Fear of damnation.
Or for the...
The reward of salvation.
Well, what if there was
no endgame?
What if we...
did the right thing
simply out of compassion?
Love for our fellow man?
And our fellow women.
What are you working on?
Oh, just a...
Just a little scribbling.
About our trip.
You mind if I take a look?
It's not real...
sure.
"And it came to pass
on the second day of the journey
in the region of Hays County,
a merchant of garments
posed a question to Jack."
"Merchant of garments?"
It was that T-shirt salesman
up in San Marcos.
Little flowery.
"A merchant of garments
posed a question to Jack.
'How may I find meaning
in a life that is consumed
with providing
for my family?'
Jack said, 'Look within.'"
Is that what you heard?
You know...
I felt like that's what
you were suggesting.
What I said to the guy was,
"What are you asking me for?
Do what makes you happy.
Watch TV.
Join a bowling league."
Right. You know,
I can change it.
I just...
back home, I'm part
of this writer's group,
and it's interesting
when we all write
about one thing,
you know,
the different impressions
about the same experience.
But in the end,
only one of us can be right.
What do you see there?
- A glass.
- Wrong.
It's a mug.
See, we're both looking
at the same thing.
From your vantage point,
it was a glass.
From mine, it's a mug.
The object is constant.
Perspective is different.
Now, the only difference
between religion and that mug
is I'm not willing to kill you
to prove it's a mug.
Jack,
that's actually quite good.
You gonna use that tonight?
I don't do props.
He doesn't do props.
Where does knowledge
come from, MJ?
All knowledge
is born from the fear of God.
And why should people be good?
To avoid the eternal damnation
in the fiery hell storm
of Satan's lair
among all
the other non-believers.
You mean to tell me that people
aren't basically good?
That's a good one, reverend.
- What do you think?
- It's a little dark.
We're committed to saving souls.
You should be committed.
No, no, you don't understand.
I have tapped into
a whole new younger demographic
with MJ here.
Clearly.
Look, reverend, I'm sorry,
but this just isn't
going to work out.
But best of luck.
To the both of you.
Bob. Hey, Bob!
It's not too late to repent.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Gloria.
- Yes.
Yeah. Your photo
doesn't do you justice.
Thank you.
Did... do you...
Do you want me to come inside?
No, let's go grab a drink.
Okay.
Do you believe in soul mates?
Did you read that book?
I feel you and I are soul mates.
I don't live
with my mother anymore.
Just...
Um, I moved out recently.
I'm so tired
of spending time with people
that just have no sense
of spirituality.
"Get out,"
is what she said to me.
I have warts,
but I don't have them
in the bad place.
I had to break up
with my ex-boyfriend
because his room
was so not feng shui,
and it was hard for me
to have an orgasm.
Watch where you're going,
you fucking asshole!
People have told me
my voice is very soothing.
Wouldn't the world
be a better place
if more people were spiritual?
I love you.
Do you believe in soul mates?
I think I already said that.
It doesn't matter because
I think I believe in soul mates,
and I think...
I think what you would say...
"Do y believe
in soul mates?"
Is he a biter, Reverend?
No.
No, I think he's a good dog.
I think he's a good dog.
Aren't you, buddy?
Aren't you, buddy?
Mini Jesus!
Faith.
It's a curious thing, isn't it?
To believe in something
absolutely.
Without question.
Without reason.
Faith can keep us going.
Or it can make us
do monstrous things.
And you can believe
with all your heart
in, um... in the Bible.
The stories depicted there
that may or may not
have happened
thousands of years ago.
And if you live your life
according to those teachings
in a positive way,
nobody gets hurt in the process,
then you put your faith
to good work.
How about reincarnation?
If that's your thing.
You follow that path,
embrace that in a positive way,
how's anybody gonna argue
with that?
If you believe
that outer space is filled
with tiny little creatures
that travel between the planets
in flying saucers...
and their company
gives you peace,
in your mind,
that's great.
That's great.
Me, I don't know.
I don't know about
any of those beliefs.
I guess I don't have the faith.
But what I do know...
is that we all
have this life here.
Now.
In common with each other.
So, believe what
you wanna believe.
Really, it's all, it's all fine.
Me... I'm gonna concentrate
on this life,
because this is the only one
that even a person without faith
cannot deny.
And we are all...
all of us here for the...
Briefest amount of time.
We gotta make that count
for something,
don't we?
For each other?
For ourselves.
You got a name?
Marian.
What's your story, Marian?
Following me?
Why would I follow somebody
who doesn't know
where he's going?
That's good. I like that.
Can I use that?
If you're lucky.
So, um,
how does this work, Jack?
Is this where I tell you
how much we have in common
and then you show me the light?
'Cause I have to admit,
it is a...
pretty sweet deal.
Let's do it.
Oh, I don't have
much experience at this,
but I know that that
hasn't stopped you before.
Not what you thought
it was gonna be, is it, Jack?
Why are you doing this?
You seem to know everything.
You tell me.
I wanna hear your version.
I'm selling ideas for cash.
Whose ideas are they?
Theirs.
Ironic, isn't it?
I don't have
any original thoughts.
Not a single one.
Don't claim to.
How convenient.
People are desperate
for answers.
Any answer.
Doesn't matter
if I believe it or not.
Long as they do.
And I'm giving 'em hope.
It's all part of the show.
So, those desperate people
who believe in you
who come to you for comfort,
they're all just part
of your show?
Oh, Jack, you're not that guy.
I know it'd be so much easier
for you if you were, but...
What do you want from me?
You know what,
what do you care anyway?
Fuck! Open the goddamn door!
Open the goddamn door,
you fucking pussy!
Open the goddamn door!
You motherfucker!
You owe me $300!
Fuck!
You all right?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'm great.
You got somebody you can call?
Yeah. Yeah, I've got
someone I can call.
They just probably
wouldn't pick up the phone.
I can give you a ride somewhere
if that's what you need.
I'm actually closed
for the evening.
Looks like you've had
an ugly night.
Thought maybe you might
wanna leave it behind.
What, and leave all this?
Stop.
I'm fine.
Please.
Okay. All right.
Well, I'm right here.
If you need anything.
Anyway, that pastor
was having a barbecue,
and one of his dogs
mounted another, right?
So they, all of a sudden,
just couldn't get 'em unstuck.
You ever see that happen?
They were just trying
to pry 'em and everything.
Nobody could do anything.
Everybody was having a laugh
at that error in nature.
So, we had
to take 'em to the vet,
and, uh, that's where I saw
your little pamphlet thing,
and I came to your show.
Oh, by the way...
I made these.
Now, I like 'em.
I think they're simple,
and we can just pass 'em out
to everybody that comes
to the show, right?
Uh, check-in's 3:00.
We should get there about noon.
Should we get some food?
Yeah.
I'm starving.
Is she still asleep back there?
Like a hibernating bear.
It's interesting.
What?
So little clothing,
so much baggage.
Pretty proud of yourself,
aren't you?
I made that up
back on the freeway,
but I just needed
to make sure she was asleep.
I got down
on my hands and knees.
I said, "Lord, you gotta
help me through this.
I'm not gonna be able
do this myself."
Man, I'll tell you,
from 50 to 75,
I don't remember nothin'.
I just remember laying people
down in front of me.
I cannot believe to this day
that I got to 88.
I started
double-teaming 'em.
Going to the next,
laying 'em on their backs.
Put their little heads on the...
Where the fuck are we?
We're right here.
You want something to eat?
I'm Jack.
That's Nigel.
Hey.
Amber.
Morning, Amber.
You guys in trouble
or something?
I hope not.
You're not, like,
running from anybody?
The cops aren't after you?
Not yet, no.
All right, well...
It's $50 for head
and $100 for everything else.
Which one of you
wants to fuck me first?
It's the deal, isn't it?
There's no deal.
Then what the fuck
am I doing here?
I don't know.
You tell me.
All right, look, dude...
It's Jack.
You can call me Jack.
Okay, Jack.
All I'm saying is that a guy
that turns down pussy
is either up to something
or there's something wrong
with him.
What the fuck
are you writing down?
Whoa. All right.
- Calm down there, miss.
- Oh, that's really cute.
Well, Amber...
there's the road.
You can hit it if you want to.
Oh, don't think I won't.
Just let me inspect it.
She's a charmer.
Let's go.
She's gonna take your money
first chance she gets.
What money?
That's not the point, Jack.
The Lord is testing
our resolve, MJ.
Ow!
Keep your faith, MJ.
We need to deliver
God's message.
It's our mission.
It is our path
to eternal salvation.
Isn't it?
Isn't it?
MJ.
All right, well, we're all set.
She's on her way.
What? How do you know?
I saw her walking
from the hotel there.
Oh, Amber. Yeah.
Good. Here.
I don't know
what you're expecting,
but getting her clothes
and a room and all that...
Well, it's the least
Bob could do.
Right.
Hey.
What do you got
against Amber, anyway?
Other than the fact
that she's a... a prostitute?
Then, you know, nothing at all.
Sweet girl.
Let me tell you something,
Nigel.
Everyone can use a catcher
now and then.
Oh, no. I... I didn't mean
nothing by it.
I know. I know.
Look, just, uh...
keep an eye on her tonight.
- Okay?
- Yeah, sure. I really didn't...
I'm all flustered.
Got my tie all messed up.
I once heard something
I thought was profound.
"Everybody's doing
the best they can."
That had an impact on me.
It allowed
for an element of patience
when I was dealing with others.
I'll tell you that.
But let's think about that
for a second.
Is everybody doing
the best they can?
Are they?
And if so, why?
Is it because people
really are basically good?
Is it because we do things
because they feel right?
When I see somebody
who's having a hard time,
down on their luck, sad...
alone...
all I can think about is...
somebody loves that person.
Somebody they were nice to.
Somebody they went
to school with.
Somebody they fought a war with.
Somebody who raised them.
Somebody's thinking
about that person right now
and hoping that they're happy.
No matter what they've done.
You see, it's...
It's really easy
to forgive other people.
It is hard to forgive yourself.
And it is hard to believe
that you are loved.
Believe that you are loved.
That's the best you can do.
Did I tell you the story
about when I stole that tractor?
Okay.
Maybe another time.
Actually, no, go ahead.
- Tell us.
- I don't wanna get you
- out of your zone there.
- No, no. Love to hear it.
Okay.
I was working
for my uncle in Lubbock,
and I didn't really know what
I was doing.
I was trying...
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Fair enough.
Well...
call me if you need me.
Yeah.
Either Bob or myself.
Sorry you didn't get
to catch anybody.
Maybe on the next tour,
all right?
Okay. Bye.
You gonna stay in the back seat?
Still wondering
what the deal is?
Mm, no.
That's good.
Someone must be having a party.
Cool.
Hey, what's going on?
There's a man up ahead.
He's got the answers
to everything
you ever wanted to know.
What was that?
Let's just say we have history.
Hey, is that him?
Hey, that's him.
Oh, sick.
Hey.
Get in here.
So, are you always this popular?
No. Normally, I hang
Sheetrock and wallpaper
in relative obscurity.
- Y-ellow.
- Hi, Bob.
What the fuck have you done now?
Jack, welcome back.
I got the cast
of Grapes of Wrath
hanging out on my front lawn.
How'd they find me?
That's awesome.
How many are...
Don't do a headcount, but...
Oh, you think that's funny?
It's not fuckin' funny,
Bob, okay?
Look, just get over here.
Fix this.
- I want them gone.
- You gotta relax.
Cavalry's on its way.
I'll take care of this, okay?
Just chill out.
I can just go talk to them
and see what they want.
No.
No.
We're staying here.
Well, don't you think
that you should go talk to them?
What?
Me? No.
Yeah, you.
They're here to see you.
No.
Bob's mess.
He can fix it.
They're just people, Jack.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, he's coming.
Put the hot dog down.
Hey, y'all, it's Jack.
I know you're all here
in search of something.
Yes, sir.
I expect some of you came
from pretty far away, huh?
Some of you are tired.
Stressed out.
I know how that feels.
Well, I wish I had some wisdom
for you, but I don't.
Just as lost as you are.
Amen, brother.
No, see, no.
No! That...
Yep. Amen.
I'm not a man of the cloth.
You wanna pray?
All right, pray.
Pray... pray for each other.
Or don't pray.
That's fine with me too.
Either way.
I think it's best
that y'all just...
just go home.
Well, you say we should go home,
but some of these folks
ain't got no home.
Well, I can't help you there.
See?
Man you all came here for
doesn't know jack shit.
The city has shelters.
Uh...
Just across the lake,
there's a state park.
They allow camping.
You want to serve something?
Why don't you serve each other?
Help each other out.
No, thanks.
You might want to...
slow down.
Oh, my God.
Somebody help him.
- Is he all right?
- I'm sure he'll be fine.
- He's dead.
- What?
Somebody call 911.
All right, okay.
Move.
All right.
All right, Jack.
What do you need?
What are you doing?
- Whoa!
- Oh, my God!
Saints be praised!
That man was dead as
a door knob.
- Praise Jesus.
- Amen. Amen.
And... And Jack Harrison
here,
he raised me
from the pit of death.
- Uh, it's Harriman.
- It's truly a miracle.
- Harriman.
- Yes, it is.
And, no, I didn't.
You choked on some food.
I cleared your air passage.
I tell you what,
I seen that dang ol'
tunnel of light.
Tell us.
- And Jack Harrison, here...
- Harriman.
He raised me
from the pit of death.
There was my old buddies
already passed over,
they was waving howdy at me,
and my grandma welcoming me
with open arms.
Testify, Lonnie.
I've been there.
I've seen the...
I've seen the whole nine yards.
Preach it, brother.
You wasn't gone that long...
Shut up, Carl.
Like Lazarus...
- It was a miracle.
- I was dead.
It's a miracle.
And I... I'm alive.
- All right, listen...
- I've never been more alive!
- Praise Jesus!
- Atta boy, Lonnie!
Everybody...
there was no miracle here today.
You want to believe something?
Believe that.
Everybody, just please...
leave.
- Okay.
- Not you.
- Okay. No, you guys go.
- Go home.
What was it like, Lonnie?
Welcome back, Lonnie.
What was it like
on the other side, Lonnie?
Yep.
Pretty sure I made a catch
on one or two of them
in the tent revival
about a month ago.
Speaking of, nice catching
out there today, catcher.
I was out of position.
You were out of position.
It took that guy an hour
to hit the ground.
- I was writing.
- No, you weren't.
- I was...
- Surprisingly good hot dogs.
What'd I miss?
Hey, Bob.
Good of you to come.
Drummin' up business
for the show.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Listen, I don't think
I can do this shit anymore.
I...
I need my privacy.
I... I come home,
I got over 300 e-mails,
plus I got the God squad
camped out on my front yard,
I can't...
I'm fuckin' tired.
All right?
These are just growing pains,
Jack.
It's nothing to worry about.
It's all part
of the master plan.
Oh, there's a plan?
That's comforting.
There's something
happening here.
Who are you, again?
No, she's right, Jack.
I mean, look,
I don't think you raised
that weird guy
from the dead or nothin',
but I seen him out
on the road here.
He is affecting people.
You are, Jack.
Whether you like it or not.
All I'm saying is that...
Jack just looked at me,
and that's all it took.
Quit staring at my tits.
Am I fuckin' high right now?
I mean, it's bad enough
I gotta put up with
the unwashed masses thinking
I'm the fuckin' Second Coming.
Now I gotta hear it
from you guys.
This is...
Amber.
You can stay.
I don't want to hear
another word about this,
all right?
Bob, Nigel, good night.
- What?
- Go.
Come on. Let's go.
Why does she get to stay?
Do I have to explain that
to you?
Morning, Jack.
What are you doin'?
You scared the shit out of me.
Leave me alone.
All right?
Get the fuck out of here!
Put my boat back.
God can clean your soul
faster than I can clean
your windshield.
Blessed be to Jesus.
Blessed be His holy name.
Guy Roy.
Bob?
Hey, I want to talk to you.
I got business to discuss
with you.
My day's goin' great.
I'm standin' on a street corner.
- You know whose...
- Fine. Get in.
Get in!
I can't just stop here.
You know what? I gotta
tell you something, man.
You gotta stop makin'
a spectacle out of yourself.
I have been banished
from my place of employment,
my landlord is about
to toss me into the street,
and the minions of evil
have struck upon me
with a great and swift fury,
as a hammer to an anvil,
but I will not bend.
Yeah, well, it's no excuse
for lurkin' on street corners.
I mean, look,
you did a shitty job
washing the windshield.
Your rag is dirtier
than the glass.
- You owe me.
- How do you figure that?
Because you didn't deliver
on your promise.
I deserve air time.
If I have air time,
I won't need street corners.
I'm going to be honest
with you, Guy Roy.
You're not television material.
Look at yourself.
You have been persuaded by lies.
Lies of the popular culture.
Lies of politicians.
Lies of Jack Harriman.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I remember his name
because he stole my show.
He stole my following.
All right. Here's where
you get out, Reverend Davis.
One day, I will be looking down
from among the heavenly host
to see both you
and Jack Harriman
burning in the flames
of eternal damnation,
and I will throw
another log on the fire.
With pleasure.
That is just terrible.
And not very Christian,
and I'm going to pray for you.
Get the hell out of my car.
You have not seen the last
of Guy Roy Davis.
Serpent shows himself.
Only to taunt and torment me.
Yes, I know who you are.
Hey, man, be cool.
Stay the fuck away
from my girlfriend, Jack.
If I get up,
are you going to hit me again?
No.
Oh, hi, Marian.
Oh, Jack, you're bleeding.
Why are you stalking me?
Walk with me, Jack.
So, you talk about love,
acceptance, tolerance,
and it's...
all very inclusive,
but...
well, people are drawn
to you, Jack.
And that's a problem.
You're worried I'm going
to lead them astray.
No.
It's not them I'm worried about.
Jack, is there any part of you
that believes in anything
that you say?
Okay, well, what about
the people that believe in you?
Don't they matter?
To tell you the truth, I'm...
having a hard time
giving a shit.
So, you don't care about
the people that you've touched?
- Yes, I don't care.
- Okay, what about Amber?
All right.
Who the fuck are you?
You're not that big
of a hypocrite, Jack.
Oh, you're overestimating me.
Oh, grow up.
This... This indifference
is just...
It's not indifference.
It's detachment.
Like a Buddhist.
Okay. All right, Jack.
Once and for all,
what do you believe?
I don't fuckin' know!
All right?
I don't have a fucking clue.
And guess what.
Nobody does.
Because you can't know
the unknowable.
I mean, what...
What was happening
before the Big Bang?
What's the universe expanding
into?
Are we... Are we just
a failed experiment?
Are we...
Are we fuckin' miracles?
Personally, I find peace
in not knowing.
Most do not.
So, they make up
fuckin' stories.
Stories that keep them comfy
so they can sleep at night.
And these stories have
such fuckin' arbitrary rules.
Don't they?
But they're rules
that people are willing
to die for.
And kill for.
'Cause it's not enough
that you believe your own story.
You gotta be absolutely
fuckin' certain
that everybody else is wrong.
People fly planes into buildings
because
they're absolutely certain.
They blow up abortion clinics.
Decisions made by people
looking beyond this life
are fucking dangerous.
You know what I believe in?
Marian?
I believe in myself.
Because that is the only thing
that I really fuckin' know.
Well, that's, uh...
very impressive, Jack.
But a revelation like that
without...
compassion...
is just complaining.
You know what your problem is?
You're so wrapped up
in your own petty resentments
and your own ego
that you can't see
the world in front of you.
Fuck.
What are you doin'?
Hey.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
You're bleeding.
I was trying to avoid
hitting a deer.
You look pitiful.
Here, sit down.
Okay, let me look at you.
Oh, does it hurt?
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
Let me look at it.
No, just let me look at it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
It's not that bad.
I'll go get, like,
a wet rag or something.
Oh, hey.
I mean, as long
as you're down there...
Oh, fuck.
I'm sorry.
No, Jack.
Don't be sorry.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Don't be sorry.
- Don't. Don't.
- Is that what you want, Jack?
- No, I don't...
- No, you want me
- to suck your big cock?
- No, I don't.
You want me to suck
your fucking cock?
You stop it.
Oh, God, Jack,
is that the best you can do?
Really? Really?
You're just going
to act like an asshole
so that nobody
expects anything from you?
I have been fucked
by so many assholes, Jack,
and you are not even close
to being one of them.
Enjoy your fucking hangover.
Hey, God damn it!
You got any idea
what time it is?
Turn that shit off
before I call the cops.
Amber.
- What?
- You decent?
Are you?
Made some coffee.
Thanks.
I had mine four hours ago.
Uh... listen, uh,
about last night, I...
What do
all these wonderful people
want from me?
No, I said, "Go fish."
Answers.
Me too.
Ah, there it is.
You're littering.
What do you want me to do?
You want to hit one?
Go ahead.
Okay.
- This should be good.
- Shut up.
All right.
Mm.
Bend your knees a little bit.
Stand up a little straighter.
Bend your knees a little bit.
There you go. Good.
Concentrate.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Swing away.
Oh, sh...
Shut up.
There you go. Perfect.
Fore!
You know you're littering.
Mom.
- Come here.
- Hi, Mom.
Oh.
I met your friends downstairs.
They seem really nice.
And she...
She seems to know everything
there is to know about me.
It's very weird.
I don't even know if she's...
I don't even know
if she's real, Mom.
I don't... I don't get it.
She could have been
a vision, sweetheart.
Did you ever consider that?
Let me feel your forehead.
It's just as I suspected.
What? Am I hot?
No. Your third eye
is a little bloodshot.
When's the last time
you saw an acupuncturist?
And that's my mom.
You know, the word
on the streets of Calcutta is
that she and I were twins
in Atlantis at one time.
Right?
What are you doing, Mom?
Just hold still.
Hold still!
You're thinning a little
on top, Jack.
- That's great.
- Yeah, that's great!
That makes you feel good?
Son's going bald?
My son is opening his crown
to heaven.
I wouldn't be so quick
to discount
this vision of Marian.
Forgive us, Amber.
This is how baboons bond
with each other.
Stop it.
It's called socialized grooming.
At what, um...
What happened to Australia,
by the way?
Nothing that I know of.
Did I miss some news?
You told me you were
going to Melbourne, so.
Oh. No.
I got Amber's e-mail,
and I came
as quickly as I could.
- I needed reinforcements.
- And you did the right thing.
Sometimes you just need
your mom, you know?
The universe will do
what it's going to do, Amber.
And there's always
a reason for it.
You just have to be willing
to deal with any obstacles.
Especially obstacles
of your own making.
Sounds familiar.
Mom.
- You must be tired, right?
- Mm-hmm.
I did a little meditating
over the Atlantic.
I feel pretty good.
But I could sleep.
Well, you get my bed tonight.
I'm glad you're my mom
this time around.
My little baby boy.
- Good night.
- Good night.
She's lovely.
Morning.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Good morning, Jack.
Hey, Lonnie. Guys.
Something like that.
- I'll check it out.
- Okay.
All right, it's show time.
Okay.
You can do this.
Thanks, Mom.
All right.
Hey, we got
a pretty big crowd here.
You ready?
I think so.
All right,
what I want you to do is
imagine that they're all
in their underwear.
I saw that on an episode
of The Brady Bunch,
and it seemed like it worked.
Yeah, I saw that one too.
See you later.
Hey, uh...
Stay close to Mom today.
And Amber.
Jack, I...
I got a confession to make.
I'm a liar.
Just the accent and...
working revivals and...
I've never caught anybody.
I mean, I caught that one guy.
That just... was because
I was standing there.
And I took advantage of it.
- I just needed a job.
- I know.
You did?
Also, nothing I've written
has ever been published.
Well...
this is shaping up to be
a pretty good story.
Right?
Come on, Jack!
There he is,
the one-man circus.
Guy Roy.
If you
and that creepy-ass puppet
aren't out of here
in two seconds,
I'm calling security.
You gotta go.
You gotta go.
You gotta go.
Fine. Security.
Bob, wait.
He needs our help.
Get back.
Are you sure?
I'm certain.
- Gotta get out of here.
- Let's go. Let's go.
They shot him.
- Come here.
- Jack.
Look what you've done!
I'm glad you finally
made a catch.
Somebody get help!
Get help please!
Jack. Look at me, Jack.
Stay awake.
Stay awake.
Jack.
Jack, stay awake.
Jack. Stay awake.
Jack.
Somewhere in the vast expanse
between reason and faith
lies possibility.
It's all up to us...
to touch people
by sharing our stories
and listening to theirs.
To take care of each other.
Imperfect people
in an imperfect world.
To love and be loved.
Forgive and accept forgiveness.
To choose our lives
or to change them.
Create, not destroy.
And if we can somehow
find our place here
make this a heaven on Earth,
anything is possible.