Divorce Invitation (2012) Movie Script
All righty. Two matzo
balls just like you like it.
Always taking care of me. You.
Hey, anything for my most
beautiful customer, huh?
I left you a nice tip today.
Oh, Leo, you don't have to do that.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
My pleasure.
- See you later, buddy.
- Thank you.
Hold on one second.
- Excuse me.
- One sec.
You know, aluminum
is not good for you.
Waiter? Hey, excuse me, buddy.
- Is there something wrong with my fork?
- No, just your stock choice's future.
Oh. Well, your future involves
topping off my coffee, okay?
Aluminum's stable. There's just
no growth potential in it.
Wait, wait! Hold on a second.
Hold on, hold on. Back it up.
Unbelievable.
That is exactly what my
consultant said last night.
And I bet he charged you more than
the $6.95 lunch special for that.
Yeah, he did.
Okay. So, say you were her.
What would you bet on?
I would go with...
That one.
You're kidding, right?
That's nickel stuff.
Simitek's about to shake
hands with them next week.
That means, by Friday, those nickels
are gonna be worth millions.
- Wow. That's impressive.
- You ain't seen nothing yet.
Mike, table 57 is yours.
They need something. Go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second. So...
What are you doing later tonight?
Maybe you want to show me
something I haven't seen yet.
Wow! Ha! Okay.
I think I will be at home...
with my girlfriend...
Oh.
...my very jealous, very...
- Hey, waiter dude.
- Yeah, casanova.
- It's "Mike"!
- Mike.
- Mike Christian, and he's very religious.
- Yeah, well, I'd pray to that.
And very busy, okay?
Still waiterless.
- Going, going, going.
- Wait, Mike.
- This is ridiculous.
- Unreal.
- No, no, no. Sir, I apologize.
- No, no, no.
No, I'm sorry.
I don't want your apology.
We have a business meeting.
- He's just a trainee, please.
- I'll say he's a trainee.
Please, let me take
your order. Gentlemen...
A trainee, really.
You know what? I don't feel
so good. I think I got to go.
If you dare take that tie off,
you're fired, okay?
- Keep it on and clean the table!
- What seems to be the problem?
He wants to get fired, Mr. Lipnick.
He's already chased out four
of our regular customers.
I know... four coffee-only customers.
Those people have been hogging
that table every day now for a week.
I wondered who had the
balls to throw them out.
Good business sense, Michael.
You're my man.
Thank you.
Come here. Let's talk.
Michael, my granddaughter Delilah
is at a conference at university hall.
Do you think you could
pick her up for us?
Absolutely.
Although it's rare, at the
turn of the last century,
the divorce rate grew for a
number of justifiable reasons.
People are alcoholics, drug addicts,
physically abusive to their
spouse or children...
these are situations where separation
is often best for all involved.
But divorce and its acceptance
have changed with the times.
On their wedding day,
couples often still say,
"till death do us part,"
but after time passes,
the initial attraction often fades.
The perfect spouse all of a sudden
is a normal person with human flaws.
Recurring arguments,
attraction to a co-worker,
or simple boredom can lead
to irreconcilable differences.
Divorce is a lazy way out.
Divorce is a shortcut solution.
Wake up, grandma.
It's the 21st century.
That's the way it goes.
What about children?
Doesn't our future depend on them?
Divorce can have a devastating effect
on a child, as my case studies attest.
I can also personally attest to this
because I come from a broken family.
I was raised by my grandparents,
and not that they didn't take care of me,
because they did, but I still wish
that my parents were there, too.
And your solution?
Take it seriously. Marriage is work.
Marriage is for life. If you are
willing to make the commitment,
you have to be prepared
to go the distance.
Excuse me. Did you major in
sociology or did you major in fantasy?
You make it sound like a jail
sentence without the parole.
Look, buddy, no need to worry.
From the looks of it,
the only lifelong commitment you'll
have is with your right hand.
Shit.
Thank you. That's... that's it.
That's all.
Thank god.
Honey, slow down.
I worked my butt off for
three years on that thesis.
I interviewed hundreds of couples,
and all it takes is a couple
of idiots in the audience
to make it all seem like a joke!
And you seem to have
no opinion about it.
Well, if it's one thing I've learned from
you, it's when to keep my mouth shut.
Okay, then. Fine. Let's...
let's be honest.
I can handle it.
Tell me the truth.
- The truth?
- Yeah.
Well, I think some of
those guys had some...
Pretty valid points.
Why don't you just admit it?
You don't respect my academic research!
No! It's just thousands of theses
sit in a library gathering dust.
You know, they change nothing. The world
goes on as if they were never even written.
Yeah, but out of those thousands,
one of those papers had the
formula for electricity on it.
It did?
So how do you know that
mine won't be that one?
I mean, if it could just change
one mind, it would all be worth it.
Why am I wasting my
time talking to you?
What would a college dropout
care about this stuff anyway?
Hey, I am a proud dropout, okay?
College is a waste of time.
Four, five, six years of endless
side roads and pointless detours.
My theory for life is
simple... shortcuts.
Shortcuts.
You know what? This has been too
much academic debate for one day.
I'm sorry, Mike, okay?
I just had a really rough day.
How about some margaritas
at the deck bar?
And then how about a massage
by the expert hands of
a Kansas City farm boy?
If the client is not
completely satisfied,
she can return the
massage to the massager.
Thank god.
Hey, babe.
- Hi, honey.
- How are you?
Tired.
- Hi.
- Hi. Look what I brought you.
Oh, you're sweet, but I'm
so icky from the restaurant.
I just... I really want to
go in to take a shower.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's the... what's the rush?
This is a gorgeous evening?
Ha! It's L.A. They are
all gorgeous evenings.
Yeah, but, this is an
especially romantic evening,
isn't it? Clear...
Not so much 'cause we're
right by the dumpster,
and the trash guy forgot to
stop on our street again.
So, listen, I'm gonna go in,
I'm gonna take a shower,
and then maybe I can muster
a little romance for you.
- Hold... hold on. What's the rush?
- I got to go! I'm gross. Crap.
Dude, you don't have
to leave, all right?
You just can't put me on
watch dog anymore, all right?
Yeah. I mean, you are more than welcome
to stay with us whenever you want.
You and Scotty have known
each other since birth.
I only barged into your
lives about a year ago.
Barging in on me was not cool.
I know. I'm sorry, but, you know,
you can't barge in and expect to become
one of them in six months, either.
"One of them"? "Them"? What...
what does that even mean? Really?
Dylan and I are in love. Okay?
Why you guys so worried about this now?
Dude, she's the one who got
you the Lipnick job, remember?
She just don't want to get fired when
the christian shit hits the jewish fan.
No. No, I'm not worried about that.
I am a phenomenal waitress,
but I am worried about you. I mean,
if you're really considering marrying
Dylan, I just might think again.
Her grandparents are very old school.
I mean, they are super-super-religious.
So? My parents are super-religious.
They don't care if I marry a jewish girl.
Mike, are you sure?
'Cause growing in Punkton, Kansas,
I doubt anybody could tell Jewish
from Amish. Remember facial hair?
If you had facial hair, you were an
alien from outer space. True story.
Scotty, you can't change my
mind on this, okay? She's...
She's just made for me.
She's made for you. Hey, man, what
happened to the Mike I used to know?
The one who would only take the
richest dude's daughter to the prom?
Where's he at? Can I see him?
- Yeah.
- I miss him.
And what happened to the stock broker who
wouldn't even take a woman out to coffee
without looking at her profile first?
He grew up. He fell in love.
Besides, do not underestimate
the potential of this restaurant.
- We are really close to franchising this.
- Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay.
See, I thought... I thought amigo was in
love with seorita, not the restaurante.
Amigo in love with seorita,
not the restaurante.
Scotty, don't be a schmuck!
Besides, I'm thinking about Paul
and Elaine in this whole thing.
I mean, how can they say no
to a guy who is about to
- revolutionize their family business?
- Family business?
You would have to die and be reborn
jewish for them to consider you family.
Oy! Please! I could be as
Jewish as they wanted me to be!
- Just wait until you see Jeremy.
- Who?
- Who?
- The bicycle guy?
Yeah. The Lipnicks totally
drool over him. Okay?
He's straight out of frickin' "Fiddler on
the Roof." And now that he's back in town,
they're gonna try to set Dylan
up with him. Just wait and see.
Sweetheart, we need to
buy more sugar packets.
I know. And we're running
out of baked apples.
Oh, I thought we had so many.
- No, we don't.
- What about the halva?
- The halva... chocolate-covered halva.
- Oh, I love it.
- Yeah.
- A lot of people like it.
- Oh, I'm sorry. We're actually not open yet.
- Oh, I'm not a customer. I'm family.
Would you mind telling me
who you're related to?
- Look who's here. Jeremy! Bubala!
- Jeremy!
Paul! Ooh! Bubbie Elaine.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
I brought you these... to congratulate
you on Delilah's graduation.
- How nice of you to remember.
- Where is our beautiful Delilah?
She's not here now. But you are...
join us for lunch.
Oh, we have some delicious food here.
There is nothing I would love more than
grandma's delicious tongue on rye.
But, unfortunately, I have to run. I'll be
back later, though, to pick up Delilah.
She doesn't know it yet, but...
I got her tickets to see the
symphony at the Hollywood bowl.
- Wonderful!
- Fabulous!
Michael, would you put these lovely
flowers in some water, please?
He's our new assistant manager.
Hi. Mike. Mike Christian.
Jeremy. Jeremy Jew.
- Stop it.
- Yeah, that's funny.
Christian is my real
last name, actually.
Well, Jew's mine, too. And if you believe
that, I got a bridge in Brooklyn
I'd love to sell you.
Got it. Yeah.
Dylan's at the dentist right now,
and actually, I think she has plans later.
Really? I thought you were
the assistant manager.
What, are you her
personal secretary, too?
- No, I'm her boyfriend.
- What? Wh-what did you say?
Paul, Elaine, I didn't want
you guys to find out like this.
I mean, you guys have taken me in,
and you've treated me like family.
But I guess now is as
good a time as any.
- I'm in love with your granddaughter.
- In love?
You're fired! Get out!
- Paul, let me explain.
- Out!
- We don't want to see you. Go.
- What's going on?
There's just one question I
need to ask you before I leave.
Dylan Lipnick, I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me?
- No!
- No! No!
I'm serious. I'm committed.
I need your answer... yes or no?
Oh, my god.
- Yes!
- Yes?
- Yes!
- Are you serious?
Oh, but... no. This is a sham!
Those flowers Jeremy brought for you.
Then that's what the invites will say...
"Flowers by Jeremy... Jeremy Jew."
You know what? Jeremy was even
kind enough to buy concert tickets.
Yes.
- For us.
- No!
No?
Yes.
- Delilah...
- Thank you.
...I want to see you
in my booth right now.
Oy.
You've known this man
for only a few months,
and now you're ready to marry him?
What do you know about him?
I know he's a good man with a
brilliant head on his shoulders.
He's a self-directed man
with ambition and dreams.
And he loves me to bits, grandpa.
What more can I ask for?
Jeremy waited years for
you to finish school.
At least you could've given it a try,
gone out with him, something.
He's not my type, grandma.
He's too...
Too what?
- I don't... I don't know. He's too...
- Jewish? Too jewish?
Like all those worthless
people in our family?
Like all the generations who suffered
so you could have a better life?
Like us, I suppose?
Come here, sweetheart. Listen to me.
I have never seen your
grandpa this hurt.
Please, just let it go for a while.
Let it be. All right?
They've given up so much
to give me a better life.
And what do I do in return?
I crush them.
Okay, so, I want to go through
an authentic conversion,
one that follows the
most ancient of rituals.
You do understand that this will
require a circumcision, yeah?
Yes, I do.
And you're kidding me, right?
It's a joke.
Oh, I get it. This is an episode
of a reality show, and I'm in it.
And I bet you my agent set it up. Max?
Max, where are you, you little rat? Max?
- No?
- No.
You're serious.
All right, I have to
explain what it is.
We don't have to take off the whole
megillah. We got to make a cut.
But there's gonna be some blood,
there's gonna be a scalpel,
there's gonna be an owie on
your pee-pee, all right?
I got a question to ask you.
On a scale of 1 to 10,
how much pain can you take it?
- 8.5.
- No, no. No, no, no. Not 8.5.
I'm... I'm more of
like a 2.1 kind of guy.
You said you were in love.
And this is your best friend, yeah?
8.5.
Okay. For love.
- Hey, kid.
- 8.5.
Drink to that.
Under strict rabbinical law,
I have to tell you,
you've got to ask me
three times so I can do it.
- Please?
- No.
- Please?
- No.
- Please?
- Okay! That's all right.
We're gonna do it. All right.
And I'm gonna sing to you like a father
would sing to his little Jewish boy.
Wow! I feel Jewish already.
Oh, look! My foreskin just fell off!
No, it... it didn't.
You still have to cut it off.
You look Jewish a little bit.
Welcome, welcome, my dear friends.
Good afternoon.
Today, we're going to have a ceremony
which you will never forget the
rest of your life, I assure you.
We have a young man outside of our shul
but with a great deal of love in his heart,
who has come here today to express
his love and admiration for our religion.
He wants to be converted in
the most traditional way...
with our oldest ritual, the bris.
Rabbi.
Are you comfortable?
Yeah. Are you comfortable?
I make a living. Are you confident?
- Yeah. Are you confident?
- They're not gonna cut me.
Boychick, how you feeling? See?
Wasn't so bad.
Yeah. Not so bad.
Heimlich.
So, we have some oils here
that'll make you feel better.
We have everything from something
that's soothing and gentle
to healing and stinging.
How about some wine?
You're serious? All right.
- He's chosen wine.
- Wine it is. Don't worry.
- You're a brave young man.
- Oh, yes. Here we go.
- Mazel Tov.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Mazel Tov.
Oh. Oh, you came.
Oh, that means so much to me.
Dylan... Dylan loves you so much,
and she was afraid you weren't
gonna accept me and... Thank you.
Who told you this Daniel Nudnick
was qualified to do this?
You need to study six mon...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
I know. I am studying.
I just couldn't stay away
from my Dylan that long.
Excuse me.
Oh, Paul?
Let's keep this
a surprise, between us.
Careful.
Okay, I'll be right back with some pepper.
Do you need anything else?
- Just that.
- Okay, all right, great.
- Hey.
- Where's Mike?
Oh, why don't you ask
our new head manager?
Proudest jew on the block.
Why would you do that?
Hire him as head manager?
No matter what you say or do,
I am never going out with him.
Well, sorry to hear that,
but maybe you should tell him yourself.
Go ahead. Tell him.
Look, I know that this might disappoint
you, but will you please just
- leave me alone?
- Oy! What am I, chopped liver?
Fine. I'm leaving.
I don't need your Tsuris.
Mike? What is this?
Yesterday was a surprise...
a profound surprise for us, as well.
He put himself through the whole
nine yards, including a traditional bris.
Who knew he was gonna
be studying Hebrew?
You didn't have to...
I can't believe you did all this.
- May I, with your permission?
- Of course.
Oh, my god.
- Mazel Tov.
- Mazel Tov.
- Every happiness.
- It's amazing.
- You like... oh, careful down there.
- Oh, sorry.
Roger!
- What happened?
- Come here! Come on!
- What? What?
- Oh, my god.
- You have to see this.
- What?
No, no, no, no!
You have to read it yourself!
Hands are all wet.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Honey, Jesus was Jewish.
Gosh. Isn't she beautiful?
Well, yeah, but...
I wish he would've told us.
Honey, Mike has finally
found somebody he loves.
I'm going. Are you gonna join me?
Of course I'm gonna join you.
But I'm not joining anything else.
So, how many guests so far?
Our side, we're at 200, plus you added 49,
including the stock-market janitors?
Oh, good! Yes! I love those guys.
Honey, it's getting late.
Don't you have to go home?
Yeah. So, I don't want
you to misunderstand me.
Feel free... tell me what you think.
What's this?
It's our prenup.
No!
- Hey, guys! Scotty, come here!
- Yo!
You guys, we are like real celebrities.
We are like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
We have got a prenup. Yeah!
This is a... this is a prenup?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Prenup.
- This is more like a phone book.
- Wow. Yeah.
Okay. I know it's a bit long,
but you understand why.
Oh, I know! I know! I know.
Because in our Jewish culture,
before the wedding,
we sign a thing called a "Patuka."
- A what?
- A what?
A "Topanga."
A... bazooka.
Umbutcha. Tenduka, Cambuna,
Hakuna, Cadzuki, Shiitake.
- It's a Ketubah...
- Ketubah! Yes!
...Mr. Jewish groom.
And Ketubah is just one page.
This is way more than one page.
This is... a lot of pages.
Honey, yeah, this is a little...
Are you sure this is our prenup?
It looks more like your thesis.
Just read it and let me know if
you want to make any changes.
- Love you.
- I love you.
- Bye.
- I love our prenup!
I'm glad.
Dude, what are you doing?
You got to read this shit.
Dude, how many credit
cards do you sign up for?
You just sign "I agree" without
even reading it. Come on.
Dude, this is your life we're talking
about here, not a credit card, okay?
Look, there's an attorney
in my cigar club.
He owes me a favor. We'll let
him read it first, all right?
- Just let him read it.
- Dude, it's fine.
Look... "sign here."
You're out of your mind.
He's in love.
- I'm in love!
- Love makes you stupid.
- Like "wow! Stupid!"
- Love makes me stupid.
Where are we going?
What are we doing here?
Don't worry about it. Thank you.
- Honey, what are we doing?
- Just get the bag.
Come on.
Honey, whose house is this?
Wow. God.
Wow.
Turn it on.
- Welcome to your new home!
- Have a very happy married life, darlings!
Have a blast!
- No. No!
- Yeah.
Oh, my god!
I don't want them watching.
Lipnick's. What the hell kind
of name is that, anyway?
It's the name that's gonna
make you money, Rick.
Okay, now, what's the plan of attack?
V.C.s or angels?
No, no, no, no. I'd go big.
On that note,
I know you guys can't afford a 15%
finder's fee, so figured I'd make it 10%?
5% is industry standard.
Come on, Scotty.
- 5.5%.
- 8.5%.
- No! It hurts.
- Damn. Okay. 5.5%.
Fine. Not a cent less,
not a cent more.
Gentlemen, our board of
directors loves your plan.
However, our C.E.O. is
leaving town for two weeks,
so we'd like to ask you not to approach
any other companies until she's back,
and then we can
finalize your contract.
Well, we have two
other meetings set up.
We do?
- Yeah, we... we do.
- Two weeks is a long time.
Come on. She knows the deal. Why not
just give us the answer right now.
I wish I could, but she's
heading to the airport right now.
Is that your C.E.O. right there?
Yes. And that's Ms. Birch.
Come on. Just let us talk
to her for like one minute.
'Fraid I can't.
Well, we're afraid we'll have to
pursue our other options, then.
Give me one minute.
The gentlemen from the restaurant are here.
They'd like to speak with you just briefly.
I'm on my way to a
business and golf trip.
I don't have time for this.
Please just reschedule.
Now is not a good
time to talk to her.
I'm afraid you're just
going to have to wait.
Did I hear her say something
about a golf outing?
Ms. Birch is on her way to a financial
summit in Scottsdale, Arizona,
but all the best deals
are done on the links.
You know what? We might just have
to go and play the back nine with her.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
You know, there actually are other places
we can go. I think we should look into it.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Grandmother's famous
recipe for tongue on rye.
- It sounded like you said "tongue."
- I did.
- It's cow tongue.
- Oh, cow tongue. Yeah, you know,
I'm a diabetic, so tongue, lips,
face, all that's from the neck up,
- I'm not supposed to digest it.
- Nice try.
I'm gonna track her down
in Scottsdale, Arizona.
I think her comment was a test.
She purposely said it loud
enough so that we would hear it.
No.
Yeah. Look, these big-player types,
to them, this is all just a game.
Why else would they go and
do business on a golf course?
- Can you help me?
- I'm at a loss.
So let's play it.
Let's play their game.
I'm gonna go to the resort and
blend in with the millionaire crowd.
No offense, dude, but that
takes some major camouflage.
Just let me worry about that, okay?
Okay, look, man. A last-minute plane ticket,
though? A five-star executive suite?
Plus, your blending in would cost more
than we all can afford to put together.
So, sorry to be a prick, but we all
know how your financial adventures
- turned out in the past.
- Look, that was a long time ago, okay?
- I have learned from those mistakes.
- I'm not so sure.
Okay. What have we got to lose,
other than our own shirts?
- Let's see if he can pull this off.
- Where we gonna get the seed money?
What, are we gonna ask the Lipnicks?
We can't gamble on their money.
We haven't made them any money.
It's ridiculous.
Okay. You know what? Let's just eat.
Come on. I've been waiting
all day to see you try this.
- Pickle first?
- Nope.
- What's this?
- Open it.
It's our new visa.
Might as well break it in.
What if the deal doesn't go through?
At least I'll have a happy husband.
Happy he at least gave it a try.
I love you.
- Go get 'em, tiger.
- Come here.
Here we go.
- Thank you, my good man.
- And we never met.
Fair enough.
You guys have room for one more?
Hi.
Sorry! Just a little...
little tournament stress.
I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna go again.
Yeah.
Relax.
Relax. Eyes on the ball.
Head down. Feet shoulder-width apart.
Eyes on the ball.
Keep your head down.
Eyes on the ball. Mind on the ball.
You are still the same lousy shooter
after all this time. Nothing's changed.
What? That's what my friends
used to call me back in high...
I'm Alex Birch. Nice to make
your acquaintance again.
Ms. Birch. Nice to meet you.
Again?
Alex?
Alex Roverson?
It's Alex Birch now...
my married name.
No way!
Oh, my god! How are you? Oh!
You haven't changed much.
Come on. At least say I
lost some of my baby fat.
Well, yeah, of course. I mean...
You looked great in high school, but...
You look even better now.
Thanks. You look good, too...
Especially on that first tee.
So, how is it that you ended up
in L.A. franchising restaurants?
I was in New York for seven
years playing the market.
I did okay, but then, like everyone else,
when the market crashed, I lost my shirt,
so I decided to move to L.A.
and start fresh.
My buddy Scott Askey...
you remember Scotty?
Yeah, he... he decided to put me
up until I could get back on my feet.
Guess Scotty and I share something...
getting you back on your feet.
It's funny how we ended
up being neighbors again.
Well, I live in the Fairfax district.
I'm guessing you're more of
a Beverly Hills, Malibu girl.
So, Alex Birch now?
Wow. That is just...
Is your husband here with you?
My ex-husband.
Frankly, I don't know where he is.
I don't like the word "divorce,"
so I like to refer to myself
as a free bird. And you?
Married. Four months ago.
Congrats. Is she here?
I'd love to meet her.
No. I came alone. This is
a business trip, after all.
Though, given our history, I don't
know if this is such a good idea.
You still haven't forgiven me.
Look, maybe I can
make it up to you now.
Join me for dinner. I will order
something extra special...
Corn dogs with a side
of Mac and cheese.
You remember that?
You'd be surprised by
what else I remember.
I was gonna go to a club tonight to see
some jazz. You want to come with me?
Yes.
Who says no to jazz?
So...
How many do you want?
What?
How many franchise
branches do you want?
Well, our initial roll-out plan
was to have 25 in 5 years.
How about 50 in 3 years?
What would be the terms?
If you can stay, we can work out
the details over the next few days.
I don't know what to say.
You could say no.
Who told you to change partners?
Alex, you're supposed to be
with Steve, Mike with Kimberly.
- And no head on chest.
- But she asked my permission.
- You could say no.
- Why would I? I love her.
Hey, babe.
Hi! What's going on?
It's Scott and Dylan.
- We've been trying to reach you.
- What's up, man?
Yeah. I'm good. Everything's good here.
Just... working on the deal.
You sound awful.
Are you getting enough sleep?
Not really. Wheelin' and
dealin' is... it is hard work.
Okay. Wheelin' and dealin'. Listen...
I got a couple questions, man,
I wanted to go over with you before
the meeting. What time is the meeting?
It's finished.
Damn it! Mike, why didn't you call me
before you screwed everything up, man?
Dude, chill out, okay?
I nailed it. Guess what...
we got 50 branches.
We got 50 branches?
All right, what's the catch, Mike?
No catch. I just got to stay here for a
couple more days and finalize the details.
That's unbelievable! That's fanta...
How did you talk her into that?
I will tell you all about
that when I get back.
- When are you back?
- When are you coming back? I miss you.
Okay, yeah, I miss you, too.
I got to go.
There is a meeting. It is urgent, okay?
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- We did it.
- Good morning, lazy bum.
- Morning.
- Who was that? The wife?
- No.
Yeah. It... it was, and Scotty.
Come on. Let's beat
everyone to the links.
I'm not exactly a match for you.
I mean, I'm a beginner at this.
Remember when you
taught me how to dance?
I used to trip all over the floor?
Well, it's payback time.
Come on. Go... get dressed.
Let's go drink.
- Come on!
- Let's see what you've got.
All right, here we go.
That's one. That's one!
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
Come on!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
In your face! Come on.
You ready? Here we go.
Here we go!
Yeah!
One more! One more!
One more! One more!
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!
If your flight was at 3 o'clock I
could've dropped you off at the airport.
I know, I know. You got to run.
Tournament's about to start.
If you wait until Monday,
we could go together.
I have to report back to
my boss before I get fired.
I understand.
I really enjoyed our time together.
Me too. I'll see you in L.A.?
- Dude, you look like shit.
- Nice to see you, too.
- Did you get the L.O.I. Signed?
- Not yet.
Bro, you know how iffy these deals can be.
You said you had it in the bag.
Dude, relax. The deal is locked in.
What makes you so sure?
I found a shortcut.
You know their C.E.O., Alex Birch?
Her maiden name is Alex Roverson.
Alex... Alex Roverson?
The prom queen who went
missing Alex Roverson?
You got to be kidding me. So, why
didn't you get the L.O.I. signed again?
Alex is coming to the restaurant on Friday.
I thought it'd be more official that way.
So, if you weren't there closing the deal,
what were you doing there the whole time?
We were just catching
up on things, you know,
doing the whole P.R. game with her,
telling her what a great
franchise Lipnick's is gonna be.
Five days is a long time to talk.
Did she tell you why she
went missing prom night?
Okay. You know what?
Wait. What are you doing?
Rick.
Yeah, look, can you set up the backup
meetings for Fresco and K.C. And company?
Really?
Yeah. Okay, thanks, man.
What are you doing?
Yeah, I've been doing some talking,
too, myself, all right? Just in case.
- Dude, we have a deal.
- I don't want a deal.
I don't even think we should be doing
business with her in the first place.
Scotty, you worry too much.
Yeah, yeah. I'm the idiot.
You're the optimist. I forgot.
Shit.
Does Alex really live there?
Dude, if I were you, I wouldn't
dare go anywhere near her.
Yeah, Mike, I think you should
really reconsider Kimberly.
Dude, she probably thinks
you're some millionaire's son
with all those boss shirts you've
with all been borrowing from Scott.
Those boss shirts that I've
been borrowing from Scott
don't even make Scott look
like a millionaire, dude.
You guys are just jealous.
I'm an optimist, all right?
I look at the brighter side
of things. Okay? Bye-bye.
- You want us to wait?
- No. Alex said we'll take her limo.
- Okay. Let's go.
- No, wait a sec.
I'm here to pick up Alex.
She's expecting me.
Tux, corsage, prom date.
You're mistaken, young man.
Miss Alex has left for the weekend.
Come on, big guy.
No, we... we have a date.
Sir, I mean, it's prom. She...
she can't be gone. She has to be here.
So can you call her down
here so I can talk to her?
Are you implying that
I've lied to you?
No. No, no, no. Just... just that
there's apparently a misunderstanding.
Is there someone else that I can
talk to, like how about the driver?
- I mean, he must know her plans.
- I'm the limo driver.
What? How do you guard the
house and drive at the same...
It's none of your business what I do.
Now you need to leave.
You can do that the
easy or the hard way.
I strongly suggest the
easy way. Up to you.
Where you going?
Alex! Alex!
- Alex!
- Give him to me.
Alex, come outside!
Come outside right now!
I'm here to pick you up! Alex!
Okay. All right.
Alex! Alex, come outside!
Alex, I'm here to pick you up!
I have your corsage!
It's purple! It matches my tie! Alex!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- No! Stop!
- What?
Shit. Sorry, honey.
I was just having a bad dream.
- Hey, wifey.
- Hi, hubby.
You're jet-lagged like you
went to Europe or something.
Look at that picture there.
Don't worry. One day, Lipnick's is
gonna have all the magazine ads.
I'm not talking about that one.
The one to the right of it.
That magazine went out of business.
They're gonna be gone within a month.
Can you stop talking about business?
I'm talking about family.
Of course. I'm talking
about family, too.
I am talking about
our family's... future.
I want to have twins
just like that...
one that looks like you and one that looks
like me. Identical twins are so boring.
I'm sorry.
What do you mean?
I kind of wasted your money, I think.
I don't think there's gonna be a deal.
But there are other companies
we're gonna go to.
I know a whole bunch of
people we can talk to.
Relax. You don't have to.
Let's just be happy
with what we have.
I missed you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- How much?
- A lot.
Really?
Hey.
Evening, madam.
Welcome to Lipnick's. Table for two?
- Just one.
- Come with me.
Your waitress will be right with you.
- I suppose you're Dylan?
- Yeah. Have we met before?
Alex... Alex Birch.
Oh. Hi. It's so nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, as well.
- Hey, Alex.
- Hi.
- Wow. What a surprise.
This is... this is my wife, Dylan.
Dylan, this is... Alex Birch.
- I got it.
- She's the C.E.O. of Girthan's...
- I am just an old high school classmate.
- Yeah. Mike told me.
Please make yourself
comfortable, and welcome.
Thank you.
She's beautiful.
Why'd you go to Fresco?
They're my main competitors.
I... I talked to, some of the...
some of the... some of my partners,
and... well, they were... they were
afraid of a conflict of interest.
Mike, cut the bullshit.
You don't trust me, do you?
What's this?
Proof of trust. Cash it
anytime you see a red flag.
So come by my office,
sign the contract,
and let's finalize this
deal once and for all.
Would you put that back in our pocket,
Mike? That's a lot of fucking money.
By the way, I think I'm
really starting to like Alex.
You can't get a better proof
of trust than that check.
Okay. So what exactly do
you know about the divorce?
Nothing other than the fact
that she just had a rough time.
Okay, well, I heard differently
at the reunion last year.
Apparently, she dumped the guy after one
year and ended up with most of his money.
You know what? That's probably
just a lot of people talking smack.
You know, I don't really care, Mike.
I just want to know.
Is there anything between you two?
Dude, we all worked hard on this.
Damn it, Scott, are you not seeing the
frickin' value in a million-dollar check?
All those zer...
are you kidding me? Really?
You know what? I'm not letting this
come between us. I'm just returning it.
What? Can you... can I...
Just hold it one last time?
Hey. There will be plenty to
hold in the future, buddy.
Fuck!
You.
- Who are you, sir? You look familiar.
- Yeah, so do you.
You remind me of some a-hole back in
Punkton, Kansas, when I was a kid.
Oh, yeah, I remember you. Sorry, kid.
I mean "Sir." I was just
doing my job. Come on in.
You still pissed at me?
You know, if you'd have been
four inches shorter back then,
I would have taught you some manners.
You know, she was home that night.
- She lied to me?
- I lied.
She cried in her room for days, maybe
weeks. Baby girl was in some major pain.
Seems boss man had some sort of stick
up his ass about your family being too...
too common.
She doesn't like to receive greetings
on her birthday these days.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Today's her birthday?
- You didn't know? Then why are you here?
Shit. I should've brought a gift.
- Holy shit.
- I know.
- Who else lives here with her?
- Just her. This way.
No hard feelings, sir?
Carry on.
Hi.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Why don't you come down to Lipnick's?
We'll make you a nice birthday meal.
I want to be alone, Mike.
I think I deserve that.
Oh, come on. Don't be like that.
Can you...
Never mind.
What?
Can you spare, like,
three hours for me?
No one else?
I promise... no business.
I didn't think so.
Okay.
What do you want to do?
Can you hear me?
- Now can you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
Holy cow!
- This was your husband's?
- No. It was my family's.
But it's mine now that
my dad's passed away.
Actually, I've got some clothes
for you, if you want to change.
Right through there.
Hi.
Here you go. Is there anything else
I can do for you, Ms. Roverson?
No, thank you. You can go
home for the rest of the night.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
You know, there's a
movie theater inside,
and I have "Superman" all
cued up and ready to go.
"Superman"... Wow.
That brings back memories.
I know.
You watched it two times in a row.
At the drive-in.
How did you know that?
I was there... in the last row...
watching you.
I came there because I
wanted to say goodbye,
and I wanted to apologize, but...
I wasn't allowed to.
I tried every excuse in the book to
sneak out of that car and come see you,
but the driver wouldn't let me.
My dad's orders.
To Superman.
Truth, justice, and the American way.
You remember that scene when he's
able to spin the earth backwards?
Yeah.
Sometimes I wish I could spin the
world back thirteen years, you know?
Me too.
I... I can't.
I understand.
I can't, but...
So, you gonna tell me where
you disappeared to last night?
I thought I told you.
I went to Alex's office.
Yeah, Scott told me, but I thought
that was yesterday afternoon.
Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Yesterday
was her birthday, and I didn't even know.
Yeah, they had a big beach party
for her out at her house in Malibu.
I couldn't say no.
I was gonna call you, but...
Oh, that's fine. Just didn't
want you to drink and drive.
Just worried about you.
We had a very good meeting with Fresco.
You want to know the way I see it?
All right, look,
Fresco made a valid point...
we should start with five branches.
That way, we all get to bed on time,
- we still reach our goal.
- Jesus, grandpa, what are you, 80?
We need to enter this
thing with a big bang.
Can't leave room for lots of little
copycat's to start popping up.
Yeah, I don't even know why we
took that meeting today. I mean,
we have a better deal at Girthan's.
Thank you.
- Did you fuck her?
- Scotty.
Just checking.
Rick, could you give us a minute?
Could you give us a minute, please?
Got it.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
But where were you last night, Mike?
Scotty, let's talk business, okay?
No biases, no conflicts of interest.
- She is giving us the deal of a lifetime.
- I never disagreed with that.
And for the record, she did not stand
me up at prom. It was her dad, not her.
Well, what happened to her check?
Did you return it?
Scott, Scotty, Scottster...
Do not fuck this up.
Just let's look at it this way.
As long as we're making a pile of cash,
who really cares who fucks who?
- Yeah...
- Scotty...
No goof-ups. Trust me.
Yeah, I promise.
Well, I think the proposal is perfect
as is, so I'm signing off on it.
We have a deal.
- We have a deal.
- We have a deal.
I love you.
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.
I feel like my life had passed
me by until I saw you again.
I'm committed, Mike. I'm willing
to be in this for the long haul.
But it's up to you.
I'll wait until Christmas
to hear your answer.
I fuckin' knew it.
You playing with
people's lives again?
You...
You are a dangerous
man to know, Mike.
I know. I'm sorry.
What do I tell Dylan?
I'm not a freakin' counselor, Mike.
What kind of question is that?
"Do I dump my wife
before I close the deal?
Or do I close the deal,
then dump her?"
Well, what would you
do if you were me?
Me?
I would've taken Kimberly to the
prom thirteen years ago, okay?
- That's what I would've done.
- Dude, come on, like...
I really need your help.
You're my best friend.
Why do you keep getting yourself in
the same situations over and over?
You got a rich girl on one side
and a poor one on the other.
You calling me a gold digger?
I'll answer that later.
First, you tell me...
did you sleep with her or not?
Oh, shit.
Do you love her?
Oh, shit!
- What do I do?
- How am I supposed to know?
Remember, you're the one who looks
at everything on the bright side.
Tell you what. Do both women.
Do both women, keep the franchise,
and two helicopters, too.
And I'll stay quiet for life.
Know why?
'Cause I'm your best...
I'm your best friend.
- You're drunk. Come on.
- Let me go.
You're the one that needs a hand.
Finish that.
"Dearest Dylan.
"I'm sorry I didn't have the
guts to tell you this in person.
I have so much gratitude for you
in my heart for all the love
and everything you and your
family have done for me.
But I haven't lived up to your love.
I have a confession.
I have fallen in love with Alex.
Perhaps I've been in love
with her my entire life.
She was my childhood sweetheart.
Until the past few months, to me,
she was a dream unfulfilled.
I recently found out that
I was her dream, too.
When we reconnected
after such a long time,
we instantly felt that nothing
between us has changed with time.
In fact, our love has grown
in the last few weeks.
If I deny these feelings,
I'll be a lousy husband cheating
on a loyal, wonderful wife like you.
You deserve more.
You deserve better.
It is with sorrow that I am writing
this to you to request a divorce.
Hopefully one without
too much animosity."
Okay.
He's here.
Wait, wait, wait!
You can't escape that easily.
Come on over here. Come. Come on.
Come in. Zits.
Sit.
So, now that we have our man,
let me say a few words.
As you all know, our beloved
Mike surprised us very much
with his unexpected Jewishness
and his total conversion.
And recently, he surprised us
with his Lipnick's franchise plan.
He's a man of many surprises.
So now it's our turn.
Time to give Mike the surprise of
his life, and when he hears this,
believe me... he won't forget
this day so long as he lives.
So, without further ado,
I want to announce today...
that...
I'm gonna be a great-grandfather!
A great-grandpa! Mazel Tov!
And Mike's gonna be a father!
Everybody, raise your glass.
L'chaim! L'chaim. What a mitzvah.
Oh, look at them.
What a couple.
Oh, they're so beautiful.
Nice, beautiful Jewish children
they're going to have.
Oh, my. Mazel Tov.
Oh, oh, it's so wonderful.
Thank you. Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Oh. You'll have twins,
maybe quintuplets.
Oh, a bunch of little Jewish
babies running around!
Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
Scotty.
Scotty, pick up.
Pick up, pick up.
- Hey, dude, what's up?
- She's pregnant.
- Who?
- What?
I'm sorry, but with you,
I need to ask who.
- Dylan.
- Holy shit.
- Exactly. There's more.
- Always.
I sent an e-mail to her
telling her about Alex.
You sent an e-mail? That's harsh.
Scotty, focus, okay? Focus.
Help now, judge later.
I need you to call your tech guys and
ask them how to recover an e-mail.
Don't you know her password?
- No!
- Shit.
Mike, there's no way to
recall an e-mail. Trust me.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Okay. Okay, Mike. Get it together.
Get it together, Mike.
Get it together.
There's at least 50 restaurants here.
I never, ever thought we'd be able
to retire, but if this works out,
maybe we can. Or at least
cut back on our hours.
Retire? Oh, sweetheart.
We're not gonna retire.
We're just gonna begin to live.
- I got to go.
- Okay. I'll see you at home.
I'll show them the rest.
- All right, let's see.
- He did this all himself.
Sorry.
- Didn't mean to wake you up.
- I wasn't sleeping.
I was at the office with Scott,
and then we went to dinner, and...
It's okay. Come on in.
I read your e-mail.
I'm sorry. Okay? I...
I wouldn't have sent it if I
had known... the news earlier.
So, you would have continued to
cheat on your wife? For how long?
No. No, no. I... I don't mean that.
I just mean I would've waited
for the... the right time.
The right time.
And when would that be?
Dylan, I am sorry. Okay?
It's just I'm kind of
in a corner right now.
She wants to leave by Christmas,
and she wanted an answer before then.
Oh. Oh, she does, does she?
Okay. Well, at first, I was upset.
After I calmed myself down a bit,
I thought about it.
I tried to be objective...
Tried to understand where
you were coming from.
Thank you.
And I've come to a decision.
The answer is no.
- What?
- You heard me. No.
W-what do you mean "No"?
- No to what?
- To a divorce. No.
I understand where
you're coming from.
Okay, knowing what we know now,
I'm not gonna insist on
it right away, obviously.
No. Not by tomorrow, not by Christmas,
not by any deadline she may give you.
I'm not signing divorce papers
for you ever in my life, period.
Good night.
So, you have to go by Christmas?
Look, I understand
your dilemma, Mike.
Just let me go. Be with her.
I'm not gonna force
you into anything.
And don't worry. I'm not gonna
back out of the franchise deal.
That's not what I'm worried about.
She's pregnant.
Congratulations.
That's exciting.
You are gonna be a great dad.
I hope your baby gets those
beautiful long eyelashes.
I wasn't ready for this.
I don't want to lose you again, Alex.
Okay.
I can wait.
How long do you think?
I'm afraid it may never happen.
Okay.
It's all right, Mike.
I just want you to be happy.
- It's all right.
- No, it's not me.
She said no... no to the divorce...
not now, not ever.
Oh, my gosh. She sounds
like just like my ex-husband.
He never wanted to let me go, either.
That bloodsucking leech.
Should've known better than
to sign that prenup. So stupid.
Never sign a prenuptial agreement
without reading it carefully.
There are so many snakes
to bite you on the ass
that the devil's
pitchfork up the wazoo
is gonna come as a welcome
relief by comparison.
Scott, how could you not let
me read this fucking bible?
I would've done it for free!
And you! You...
How do you sign this thing
without giving it to me first?
All right. All right. Here we go.
Here we go, okay. Here is
the clause that's the killer.
If you ask for a divorce, you have to
arrange a formal divorce ceremony.
Such ceremony must consist of the guests
attended the wedding in the first place.
It has to take place in
the same wedding venue.
The couple will wear the same
attire from their wedding day,
and only then is she legally bound
to sign your divorce application.
On top of that, you also have the burden of
explaining your reasons for your divorce.
The ceremony will be followed
by a lavish dinner and dancing,
which will be paid for... by you.
In short, she's a genius.
She's got you by the balls.
You're fucked.
Welcome to the club.
Although I have some good news.
There's a 10 percent discount
on the people attending.
Good luck, buddy!
Bastard. Con man.
He pulled the "I'll be Jewish"
wool over our eyes.
You mean your eyes. I told you
it wasn't a proper conversion.
Why would you let that
bastard live in your place?
- Why don't you kick him out?
- Grandpa! How does that help me?
At least I'll have somebody to
call 911 in case, god forbid,
something happens to me
in the middle of the night.
Well, you move in with us.
We'll take care of you.
Why should you?
It's his responsibility, too.
You know, nowadays they say,
"We are pregnant."
Why should he have the easy
way out? Let him do his share.
Having a baby is a bliss. He doesn't
deserve to be any part of it.
If I were you,
I would kick him so far away
that even his shadow
couldn't touch that baby.
Enough!
25 years ago, you chased Delilah's
father away with the same attitude,
and what was the result? He never
even showed up for Rachel's funeral.
And who suffered the most?
Delilah.
This child has never even seen
her father in her entire life.
I'm so sorry to bring
this up now, honey.
This is not our decision to make.
It's Mike. Wait, wait, please.
Let me talk to him now.
- Hey, grandpa Paul.
- Hi.
- I'm assuming Dylan told you.
- Yes, she told us.
I just want to say I have the
highest regard for you and Elaine.
I think Dylan is a wonderful,
wonderful woman.
I truly love her. I really do.
It's just, you know, sometimes fate
kind of plays tricks on you, and...
I never thought I'd run into Alex
again in the rest of my life, but...
I did, and unfortunately, it just kind of...
happened at the wrong time.
What do you want from me?
Dylan is not really of a sound
mind to listen to me, so...
I was wondering if you could talk to
her and get her to sign these papers.
If you do, we can just avoid
the whole prenup and just...
Move on.
My granddaughter never
cared for my advice,
even when she was choosing a spouse.
But don't be discouraged.
I'll do my very best to help
you out with your divorce.
Living together after this
isn't good for anyone. Wait.
And, you know, I will do my
best to work on the franchise.
Oh. Is this the prenup?
I already have a copy.
No, it's the guest list
from your wedding.
- I thought you said you were gonna help me.
- I just did.
I'm now officially butting
out of your lives. Good luck.
Honey, you're going about
this all the wrong way.
Stop thinking of this as just your
divorce and start thinking of this as a...
celebration of our lives together.
Start having fun
with it, and if you do,
then the guests will be more likely
to come. Just think about it.
How many divorces will ever
have this kind of an opportunity?
Good luck.
Every day, every hour you're on the road.
It's a carmaggeddon for you, dick.
- Don't call him that near my school, mom!
- Be quiet. Mommy and daddy are talking.
It doesn't mean you can
take away my day with him.
No?
No.
This is hilarious!
Oh, you got to accept
this funny gift.
Hi. Come to my divorce.
You are coming to my divorce.
Divorce ceremony.
Henley's only, okay?
What the fuck? Who the fuck are you?
Some high-school friend?
Some college roommate?
- Who the fuck is this, Brad?
- Honey, I have no idea.
I swear to god, I don't even
know who this idiot is.
Brad, it's me... Mike Christian.
I'm Dylan Lipnick's husband.
Oh! Oh, yeah!
So you do know him!
- Did you just lie to me?
- I mean... I don't exactly know...
Fuck you!
How dare you fucking lie to
me on my fucking wedding day
before my fucking honeymoon?
So, a young Jewish couple
gets successfully divorced,
but the wife says to the judge,
"Now I have to apply for a get."
And the judge says, "Get what?"
She says, "No, that's the name for a
Jewish ceremony which is for a divorce."
And he says, "Oh, I understand.
In other words, you mean like a bris."
She says, "Yes, except that
in a bris, it's one thing.
In a get, you get to get rid
of the entire schmuck."
Hey, there. You and me... divorce
ceremony. Thanks. Come here.
Look what he brings me...
a divorce invitation.
Hi. I would like to
invite you to my divorce.
Is it true you're actually
seeking a divorce from Dylan?
No comment.
You are coming to
my divorce. Be there.
Hey, Paul and Amber.
Divorce invitation.
I'll see you there, okay?
Oh, my god! It's Mike!
Oh, my god! Mike!
I'm so happy you're here! I was
hoping that you were gonna come.
I saw you on the cover of that
one magazine. Is this for me?
You're coming to my divorce.
See you there.
I think I'm gonna bring a plus-one because
I didn't bring anyone the last time.
Joseph Armstrong in the house!
That's because there wasn't
an open bar, but this time,
I think there's going to be.
You know what I mean?
And I'm done! That's it!
According to the
prenuptial agreement,
it is incumbent upon the person
who initiated the divorce
to invite all of those who attended the
original wedding... minus 10 percent.
Mr. Christian has done
this successfully.
As decreed in the
prenuptial agreement,
Mrs. Christian must sign
the divorce petition.
Well...
It feels weird to be offering
congratulations to you, Mike.
I didn't think you could pull it off.
I have...
never had such a strong bond
with anyone as I have with you.
I have never been so in love.
And I thought you felt the same way.
I guess I was wrong.
In the past few weeks,
I've seen how much trouble
Mike has gone through to
get all of you here today.
He has shown tremendous
persistence to end this marriage
and unite with Alex.
Maybe that means she
deserves him more than I do.
And now, according to the
prenuptial agreement...
Mr. Christian will reveal
his reasons for a divorce.
Thank you, Dylan.
And thank you, all, for coming today
and sparing your valuable time for me.
Getting all you here was no easy task,
I can assure you that.
It was no fun having doors
slammed in my face,
getting the evil eye on the street,
being spat upon, punched in the face,
and told I am a horrible person
for deserting my pregnant wife.
This little... event was not my idea.
It all happened because Dylan slipped
a little clause in our prenup...
a clause I never bothered to read.
Otherwise, I never would have
had to face this shit storm
and see all of you, but I did.
And today, I am a winner...
A winner not just because
I got my way, but...
because I made the journey.
I followed through on this.
It was a journey of meeting people,
talking with them,
reasoning with some,
arguing with others,
listening to their pains,
their turmoils,
their successes, their failures,
their mistakes and their regrets...
their life lessons.
Now, I was mad at Dylan for
making me come here today.
I thought she was a selfish,
stubborn woman...
Until I ran into a single mom with
five kids who asked me a question.
She said, "What if Dylan
had instigated the divorce?
Would she have to go
through the same hell?"
So, I read the prenup again, and...
sure as shit, she'd have to go
through the same hell I did.
That's when I realized that this
clause wasn't evil after all.
It was fair... to both of us.
And it was fair to our unborn
child that the parents
aren't gonna just walk
away from each other.
I realized that this...
this long journey that I had to take
was the perfect counseling for
a torn, confused man like me.
When I put on this suit today,
I was reminded how I
felt on my wedding day.
I've been thinking a lot about
the word "love" lately.
Love is a...
Powerful emotion.
Love is this...
indescribable feeling you
get when you see someone
who you know will do
anything for you...
When you see someone with a life
growing inside of them,
a life you helped create.
Love is sticking it out.
Living with someone day after day,
waking up next to them every
morning with their bad breath
and their hair matted to
one side of their head,
and you just look at
them and you think,
"God, she's beautiful."
That's love.
Dylan, I've given you every
reason not to love me...
And only one reason to.
I love you.
You once said to me, you said,
if only your thesis could
change one person...
It did.
I'm sorry, Alex.
I have to do this.
So, in front of all of you...
I am begging you, Dylan,
to please forgive me for all the
pain that I have caused you.
Dylan, will you remarry me?
Yes!
Yes, but...
You're gonna have to work for it.
I promise.
Mazel Tov!
All right, now listen up! Now...
- All of you who had sex last night...
- Yeah!
Let's go! Step up!
Get your picture ta... oh!
Couple late bloomers.
Couple late bloomers. Okay, okay.
No kissing and telling, buddy.
All right, now...
Those of you who had
sex with the groom!
Somebody got to be in with the groom!
- Sorry, Dylan. Oh!
- Okay, mama.
Yeah, come here.
Thanks for playing.
All right, now, those of you
who were screwed by the groom.
Yeah!
Pick your head up, buddy.
Pick your head up, buddy. Come on.
Smile about it. It's a celebration.
All right. All right. A good sport.
Now, those of you...
Who screwed the groom,
big-time. Somebody did.
Okay, all right.
- Hurted me more than it hurted you.
- Might need some counseling on that one.
All right, now, those of you,
who, unfortunately...
saw the groom butt naked
having sex. That was us!
That was us! Get in there.
- You know what?
- Michael... don't touch him.
Stay away from him.
Stay away from him.
All right, now, those of you...
Who would like to go on a honeymoon
with the groom, come on down!
- Yeah, see? She wants to go.
- Here they... boy, they... oh!
- I'm starting to think something here.
- You love it. And once you go Mike,
you don't go anywhere else.
- There something you want to tell me?
- No. No, there's nothing. There is nothing.
Okay, just making sure.
Last but certainly not least...
I feel like we all want to do this...
who wants to go on a
honeymoon with the bride?
That's all of you! That's everybody!
- That's all of you! You're kidding me!
- No! She is mine! No! She's mine!
No! Absolutely not!
Get it, man!
balls just like you like it.
Always taking care of me. You.
Hey, anything for my most
beautiful customer, huh?
I left you a nice tip today.
Oh, Leo, you don't have to do that.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
My pleasure.
- See you later, buddy.
- Thank you.
Hold on one second.
- Excuse me.
- One sec.
You know, aluminum
is not good for you.
Waiter? Hey, excuse me, buddy.
- Is there something wrong with my fork?
- No, just your stock choice's future.
Oh. Well, your future involves
topping off my coffee, okay?
Aluminum's stable. There's just
no growth potential in it.
Wait, wait! Hold on a second.
Hold on, hold on. Back it up.
Unbelievable.
That is exactly what my
consultant said last night.
And I bet he charged you more than
the $6.95 lunch special for that.
Yeah, he did.
Okay. So, say you were her.
What would you bet on?
I would go with...
That one.
You're kidding, right?
That's nickel stuff.
Simitek's about to shake
hands with them next week.
That means, by Friday, those nickels
are gonna be worth millions.
- Wow. That's impressive.
- You ain't seen nothing yet.
Mike, table 57 is yours.
They need something. Go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second. So...
What are you doing later tonight?
Maybe you want to show me
something I haven't seen yet.
Wow! Ha! Okay.
I think I will be at home...
with my girlfriend...
Oh.
...my very jealous, very...
- Hey, waiter dude.
- Yeah, casanova.
- It's "Mike"!
- Mike.
- Mike Christian, and he's very religious.
- Yeah, well, I'd pray to that.
And very busy, okay?
Still waiterless.
- Going, going, going.
- Wait, Mike.
- This is ridiculous.
- Unreal.
- No, no, no. Sir, I apologize.
- No, no, no.
No, I'm sorry.
I don't want your apology.
We have a business meeting.
- He's just a trainee, please.
- I'll say he's a trainee.
Please, let me take
your order. Gentlemen...
A trainee, really.
You know what? I don't feel
so good. I think I got to go.
If you dare take that tie off,
you're fired, okay?
- Keep it on and clean the table!
- What seems to be the problem?
He wants to get fired, Mr. Lipnick.
He's already chased out four
of our regular customers.
I know... four coffee-only customers.
Those people have been hogging
that table every day now for a week.
I wondered who had the
balls to throw them out.
Good business sense, Michael.
You're my man.
Thank you.
Come here. Let's talk.
Michael, my granddaughter Delilah
is at a conference at university hall.
Do you think you could
pick her up for us?
Absolutely.
Although it's rare, at the
turn of the last century,
the divorce rate grew for a
number of justifiable reasons.
People are alcoholics, drug addicts,
physically abusive to their
spouse or children...
these are situations where separation
is often best for all involved.
But divorce and its acceptance
have changed with the times.
On their wedding day,
couples often still say,
"till death do us part,"
but after time passes,
the initial attraction often fades.
The perfect spouse all of a sudden
is a normal person with human flaws.
Recurring arguments,
attraction to a co-worker,
or simple boredom can lead
to irreconcilable differences.
Divorce is a lazy way out.
Divorce is a shortcut solution.
Wake up, grandma.
It's the 21st century.
That's the way it goes.
What about children?
Doesn't our future depend on them?
Divorce can have a devastating effect
on a child, as my case studies attest.
I can also personally attest to this
because I come from a broken family.
I was raised by my grandparents,
and not that they didn't take care of me,
because they did, but I still wish
that my parents were there, too.
And your solution?
Take it seriously. Marriage is work.
Marriage is for life. If you are
willing to make the commitment,
you have to be prepared
to go the distance.
Excuse me. Did you major in
sociology or did you major in fantasy?
You make it sound like a jail
sentence without the parole.
Look, buddy, no need to worry.
From the looks of it,
the only lifelong commitment you'll
have is with your right hand.
Shit.
Thank you. That's... that's it.
That's all.
Thank god.
Honey, slow down.
I worked my butt off for
three years on that thesis.
I interviewed hundreds of couples,
and all it takes is a couple
of idiots in the audience
to make it all seem like a joke!
And you seem to have
no opinion about it.
Well, if it's one thing I've learned from
you, it's when to keep my mouth shut.
Okay, then. Fine. Let's...
let's be honest.
I can handle it.
Tell me the truth.
- The truth?
- Yeah.
Well, I think some of
those guys had some...
Pretty valid points.
Why don't you just admit it?
You don't respect my academic research!
No! It's just thousands of theses
sit in a library gathering dust.
You know, they change nothing. The world
goes on as if they were never even written.
Yeah, but out of those thousands,
one of those papers had the
formula for electricity on it.
It did?
So how do you know that
mine won't be that one?
I mean, if it could just change
one mind, it would all be worth it.
Why am I wasting my
time talking to you?
What would a college dropout
care about this stuff anyway?
Hey, I am a proud dropout, okay?
College is a waste of time.
Four, five, six years of endless
side roads and pointless detours.
My theory for life is
simple... shortcuts.
Shortcuts.
You know what? This has been too
much academic debate for one day.
I'm sorry, Mike, okay?
I just had a really rough day.
How about some margaritas
at the deck bar?
And then how about a massage
by the expert hands of
a Kansas City farm boy?
If the client is not
completely satisfied,
she can return the
massage to the massager.
Thank god.
Hey, babe.
- Hi, honey.
- How are you?
Tired.
- Hi.
- Hi. Look what I brought you.
Oh, you're sweet, but I'm
so icky from the restaurant.
I just... I really want to
go in to take a shower.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's the... what's the rush?
This is a gorgeous evening?
Ha! It's L.A. They are
all gorgeous evenings.
Yeah, but, this is an
especially romantic evening,
isn't it? Clear...
Not so much 'cause we're
right by the dumpster,
and the trash guy forgot to
stop on our street again.
So, listen, I'm gonna go in,
I'm gonna take a shower,
and then maybe I can muster
a little romance for you.
- Hold... hold on. What's the rush?
- I got to go! I'm gross. Crap.
Dude, you don't have
to leave, all right?
You just can't put me on
watch dog anymore, all right?
Yeah. I mean, you are more than welcome
to stay with us whenever you want.
You and Scotty have known
each other since birth.
I only barged into your
lives about a year ago.
Barging in on me was not cool.
I know. I'm sorry, but, you know,
you can't barge in and expect to become
one of them in six months, either.
"One of them"? "Them"? What...
what does that even mean? Really?
Dylan and I are in love. Okay?
Why you guys so worried about this now?
Dude, she's the one who got
you the Lipnick job, remember?
She just don't want to get fired when
the christian shit hits the jewish fan.
No. No, I'm not worried about that.
I am a phenomenal waitress,
but I am worried about you. I mean,
if you're really considering marrying
Dylan, I just might think again.
Her grandparents are very old school.
I mean, they are super-super-religious.
So? My parents are super-religious.
They don't care if I marry a jewish girl.
Mike, are you sure?
'Cause growing in Punkton, Kansas,
I doubt anybody could tell Jewish
from Amish. Remember facial hair?
If you had facial hair, you were an
alien from outer space. True story.
Scotty, you can't change my
mind on this, okay? She's...
She's just made for me.
She's made for you. Hey, man, what
happened to the Mike I used to know?
The one who would only take the
richest dude's daughter to the prom?
Where's he at? Can I see him?
- Yeah.
- I miss him.
And what happened to the stock broker who
wouldn't even take a woman out to coffee
without looking at her profile first?
He grew up. He fell in love.
Besides, do not underestimate
the potential of this restaurant.
- We are really close to franchising this.
- Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay.
See, I thought... I thought amigo was in
love with seorita, not the restaurante.
Amigo in love with seorita,
not the restaurante.
Scotty, don't be a schmuck!
Besides, I'm thinking about Paul
and Elaine in this whole thing.
I mean, how can they say no
to a guy who is about to
- revolutionize their family business?
- Family business?
You would have to die and be reborn
jewish for them to consider you family.
Oy! Please! I could be as
Jewish as they wanted me to be!
- Just wait until you see Jeremy.
- Who?
- Who?
- The bicycle guy?
Yeah. The Lipnicks totally
drool over him. Okay?
He's straight out of frickin' "Fiddler on
the Roof." And now that he's back in town,
they're gonna try to set Dylan
up with him. Just wait and see.
Sweetheart, we need to
buy more sugar packets.
I know. And we're running
out of baked apples.
Oh, I thought we had so many.
- No, we don't.
- What about the halva?
- The halva... chocolate-covered halva.
- Oh, I love it.
- Yeah.
- A lot of people like it.
- Oh, I'm sorry. We're actually not open yet.
- Oh, I'm not a customer. I'm family.
Would you mind telling me
who you're related to?
- Look who's here. Jeremy! Bubala!
- Jeremy!
Paul! Ooh! Bubbie Elaine.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
I brought you these... to congratulate
you on Delilah's graduation.
- How nice of you to remember.
- Where is our beautiful Delilah?
She's not here now. But you are...
join us for lunch.
Oh, we have some delicious food here.
There is nothing I would love more than
grandma's delicious tongue on rye.
But, unfortunately, I have to run. I'll be
back later, though, to pick up Delilah.
She doesn't know it yet, but...
I got her tickets to see the
symphony at the Hollywood bowl.
- Wonderful!
- Fabulous!
Michael, would you put these lovely
flowers in some water, please?
He's our new assistant manager.
Hi. Mike. Mike Christian.
Jeremy. Jeremy Jew.
- Stop it.
- Yeah, that's funny.
Christian is my real
last name, actually.
Well, Jew's mine, too. And if you believe
that, I got a bridge in Brooklyn
I'd love to sell you.
Got it. Yeah.
Dylan's at the dentist right now,
and actually, I think she has plans later.
Really? I thought you were
the assistant manager.
What, are you her
personal secretary, too?
- No, I'm her boyfriend.
- What? Wh-what did you say?
Paul, Elaine, I didn't want
you guys to find out like this.
I mean, you guys have taken me in,
and you've treated me like family.
But I guess now is as
good a time as any.
- I'm in love with your granddaughter.
- In love?
You're fired! Get out!
- Paul, let me explain.
- Out!
- We don't want to see you. Go.
- What's going on?
There's just one question I
need to ask you before I leave.
Dylan Lipnick, I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me?
- No!
- No! No!
I'm serious. I'm committed.
I need your answer... yes or no?
Oh, my god.
- Yes!
- Yes?
- Yes!
- Are you serious?
Oh, but... no. This is a sham!
Those flowers Jeremy brought for you.
Then that's what the invites will say...
"Flowers by Jeremy... Jeremy Jew."
You know what? Jeremy was even
kind enough to buy concert tickets.
Yes.
- For us.
- No!
No?
Yes.
- Delilah...
- Thank you.
...I want to see you
in my booth right now.
Oy.
You've known this man
for only a few months,
and now you're ready to marry him?
What do you know about him?
I know he's a good man with a
brilliant head on his shoulders.
He's a self-directed man
with ambition and dreams.
And he loves me to bits, grandpa.
What more can I ask for?
Jeremy waited years for
you to finish school.
At least you could've given it a try,
gone out with him, something.
He's not my type, grandma.
He's too...
Too what?
- I don't... I don't know. He's too...
- Jewish? Too jewish?
Like all those worthless
people in our family?
Like all the generations who suffered
so you could have a better life?
Like us, I suppose?
Come here, sweetheart. Listen to me.
I have never seen your
grandpa this hurt.
Please, just let it go for a while.
Let it be. All right?
They've given up so much
to give me a better life.
And what do I do in return?
I crush them.
Okay, so, I want to go through
an authentic conversion,
one that follows the
most ancient of rituals.
You do understand that this will
require a circumcision, yeah?
Yes, I do.
And you're kidding me, right?
It's a joke.
Oh, I get it. This is an episode
of a reality show, and I'm in it.
And I bet you my agent set it up. Max?
Max, where are you, you little rat? Max?
- No?
- No.
You're serious.
All right, I have to
explain what it is.
We don't have to take off the whole
megillah. We got to make a cut.
But there's gonna be some blood,
there's gonna be a scalpel,
there's gonna be an owie on
your pee-pee, all right?
I got a question to ask you.
On a scale of 1 to 10,
how much pain can you take it?
- 8.5.
- No, no. No, no, no. Not 8.5.
I'm... I'm more of
like a 2.1 kind of guy.
You said you were in love.
And this is your best friend, yeah?
8.5.
Okay. For love.
- Hey, kid.
- 8.5.
Drink to that.
Under strict rabbinical law,
I have to tell you,
you've got to ask me
three times so I can do it.
- Please?
- No.
- Please?
- No.
- Please?
- Okay! That's all right.
We're gonna do it. All right.
And I'm gonna sing to you like a father
would sing to his little Jewish boy.
Wow! I feel Jewish already.
Oh, look! My foreskin just fell off!
No, it... it didn't.
You still have to cut it off.
You look Jewish a little bit.
Welcome, welcome, my dear friends.
Good afternoon.
Today, we're going to have a ceremony
which you will never forget the
rest of your life, I assure you.
We have a young man outside of our shul
but with a great deal of love in his heart,
who has come here today to express
his love and admiration for our religion.
He wants to be converted in
the most traditional way...
with our oldest ritual, the bris.
Rabbi.
Are you comfortable?
Yeah. Are you comfortable?
I make a living. Are you confident?
- Yeah. Are you confident?
- They're not gonna cut me.
Boychick, how you feeling? See?
Wasn't so bad.
Yeah. Not so bad.
Heimlich.
So, we have some oils here
that'll make you feel better.
We have everything from something
that's soothing and gentle
to healing and stinging.
How about some wine?
You're serious? All right.
- He's chosen wine.
- Wine it is. Don't worry.
- You're a brave young man.
- Oh, yes. Here we go.
- Mazel Tov.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Mazel Tov.
Oh. Oh, you came.
Oh, that means so much to me.
Dylan... Dylan loves you so much,
and she was afraid you weren't
gonna accept me and... Thank you.
Who told you this Daniel Nudnick
was qualified to do this?
You need to study six mon...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
I know. I am studying.
I just couldn't stay away
from my Dylan that long.
Excuse me.
Oh, Paul?
Let's keep this
a surprise, between us.
Careful.
Okay, I'll be right back with some pepper.
Do you need anything else?
- Just that.
- Okay, all right, great.
- Hey.
- Where's Mike?
Oh, why don't you ask
our new head manager?
Proudest jew on the block.
Why would you do that?
Hire him as head manager?
No matter what you say or do,
I am never going out with him.
Well, sorry to hear that,
but maybe you should tell him yourself.
Go ahead. Tell him.
Look, I know that this might disappoint
you, but will you please just
- leave me alone?
- Oy! What am I, chopped liver?
Fine. I'm leaving.
I don't need your Tsuris.
Mike? What is this?
Yesterday was a surprise...
a profound surprise for us, as well.
He put himself through the whole
nine yards, including a traditional bris.
Who knew he was gonna
be studying Hebrew?
You didn't have to...
I can't believe you did all this.
- May I, with your permission?
- Of course.
Oh, my god.
- Mazel Tov.
- Mazel Tov.
- Every happiness.
- It's amazing.
- You like... oh, careful down there.
- Oh, sorry.
Roger!
- What happened?
- Come here! Come on!
- What? What?
- Oh, my god.
- You have to see this.
- What?
No, no, no, no!
You have to read it yourself!
Hands are all wet.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Honey, Jesus was Jewish.
Gosh. Isn't she beautiful?
Well, yeah, but...
I wish he would've told us.
Honey, Mike has finally
found somebody he loves.
I'm going. Are you gonna join me?
Of course I'm gonna join you.
But I'm not joining anything else.
So, how many guests so far?
Our side, we're at 200, plus you added 49,
including the stock-market janitors?
Oh, good! Yes! I love those guys.
Honey, it's getting late.
Don't you have to go home?
Yeah. So, I don't want
you to misunderstand me.
Feel free... tell me what you think.
What's this?
It's our prenup.
No!
- Hey, guys! Scotty, come here!
- Yo!
You guys, we are like real celebrities.
We are like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
We have got a prenup. Yeah!
This is a... this is a prenup?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Prenup.
- This is more like a phone book.
- Wow. Yeah.
Okay. I know it's a bit long,
but you understand why.
Oh, I know! I know! I know.
Because in our Jewish culture,
before the wedding,
we sign a thing called a "Patuka."
- A what?
- A what?
A "Topanga."
A... bazooka.
Umbutcha. Tenduka, Cambuna,
Hakuna, Cadzuki, Shiitake.
- It's a Ketubah...
- Ketubah! Yes!
...Mr. Jewish groom.
And Ketubah is just one page.
This is way more than one page.
This is... a lot of pages.
Honey, yeah, this is a little...
Are you sure this is our prenup?
It looks more like your thesis.
Just read it and let me know if
you want to make any changes.
- Love you.
- I love you.
- Bye.
- I love our prenup!
I'm glad.
Dude, what are you doing?
You got to read this shit.
Dude, how many credit
cards do you sign up for?
You just sign "I agree" without
even reading it. Come on.
Dude, this is your life we're talking
about here, not a credit card, okay?
Look, there's an attorney
in my cigar club.
He owes me a favor. We'll let
him read it first, all right?
- Just let him read it.
- Dude, it's fine.
Look... "sign here."
You're out of your mind.
He's in love.
- I'm in love!
- Love makes you stupid.
- Like "wow! Stupid!"
- Love makes me stupid.
Where are we going?
What are we doing here?
Don't worry about it. Thank you.
- Honey, what are we doing?
- Just get the bag.
Come on.
Honey, whose house is this?
Wow. God.
Wow.
Turn it on.
- Welcome to your new home!
- Have a very happy married life, darlings!
Have a blast!
- No. No!
- Yeah.
Oh, my god!
I don't want them watching.
Lipnick's. What the hell kind
of name is that, anyway?
It's the name that's gonna
make you money, Rick.
Okay, now, what's the plan of attack?
V.C.s or angels?
No, no, no, no. I'd go big.
On that note,
I know you guys can't afford a 15%
finder's fee, so figured I'd make it 10%?
5% is industry standard.
Come on, Scotty.
- 5.5%.
- 8.5%.
- No! It hurts.
- Damn. Okay. 5.5%.
Fine. Not a cent less,
not a cent more.
Gentlemen, our board of
directors loves your plan.
However, our C.E.O. is
leaving town for two weeks,
so we'd like to ask you not to approach
any other companies until she's back,
and then we can
finalize your contract.
Well, we have two
other meetings set up.
We do?
- Yeah, we... we do.
- Two weeks is a long time.
Come on. She knows the deal. Why not
just give us the answer right now.
I wish I could, but she's
heading to the airport right now.
Is that your C.E.O. right there?
Yes. And that's Ms. Birch.
Come on. Just let us talk
to her for like one minute.
'Fraid I can't.
Well, we're afraid we'll have to
pursue our other options, then.
Give me one minute.
The gentlemen from the restaurant are here.
They'd like to speak with you just briefly.
I'm on my way to a
business and golf trip.
I don't have time for this.
Please just reschedule.
Now is not a good
time to talk to her.
I'm afraid you're just
going to have to wait.
Did I hear her say something
about a golf outing?
Ms. Birch is on her way to a financial
summit in Scottsdale, Arizona,
but all the best deals
are done on the links.
You know what? We might just have
to go and play the back nine with her.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
You know, there actually are other places
we can go. I think we should look into it.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Grandmother's famous
recipe for tongue on rye.
- It sounded like you said "tongue."
- I did.
- It's cow tongue.
- Oh, cow tongue. Yeah, you know,
I'm a diabetic, so tongue, lips,
face, all that's from the neck up,
- I'm not supposed to digest it.
- Nice try.
I'm gonna track her down
in Scottsdale, Arizona.
I think her comment was a test.
She purposely said it loud
enough so that we would hear it.
No.
Yeah. Look, these big-player types,
to them, this is all just a game.
Why else would they go and
do business on a golf course?
- Can you help me?
- I'm at a loss.
So let's play it.
Let's play their game.
I'm gonna go to the resort and
blend in with the millionaire crowd.
No offense, dude, but that
takes some major camouflage.
Just let me worry about that, okay?
Okay, look, man. A last-minute plane ticket,
though? A five-star executive suite?
Plus, your blending in would cost more
than we all can afford to put together.
So, sorry to be a prick, but we all
know how your financial adventures
- turned out in the past.
- Look, that was a long time ago, okay?
- I have learned from those mistakes.
- I'm not so sure.
Okay. What have we got to lose,
other than our own shirts?
- Let's see if he can pull this off.
- Where we gonna get the seed money?
What, are we gonna ask the Lipnicks?
We can't gamble on their money.
We haven't made them any money.
It's ridiculous.
Okay. You know what? Let's just eat.
Come on. I've been waiting
all day to see you try this.
- Pickle first?
- Nope.
- What's this?
- Open it.
It's our new visa.
Might as well break it in.
What if the deal doesn't go through?
At least I'll have a happy husband.
Happy he at least gave it a try.
I love you.
- Go get 'em, tiger.
- Come here.
Here we go.
- Thank you, my good man.
- And we never met.
Fair enough.
You guys have room for one more?
Hi.
Sorry! Just a little...
little tournament stress.
I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna go again.
Yeah.
Relax.
Relax. Eyes on the ball.
Head down. Feet shoulder-width apart.
Eyes on the ball.
Keep your head down.
Eyes on the ball. Mind on the ball.
You are still the same lousy shooter
after all this time. Nothing's changed.
What? That's what my friends
used to call me back in high...
I'm Alex Birch. Nice to make
your acquaintance again.
Ms. Birch. Nice to meet you.
Again?
Alex?
Alex Roverson?
It's Alex Birch now...
my married name.
No way!
Oh, my god! How are you? Oh!
You haven't changed much.
Come on. At least say I
lost some of my baby fat.
Well, yeah, of course. I mean...
You looked great in high school, but...
You look even better now.
Thanks. You look good, too...
Especially on that first tee.
So, how is it that you ended up
in L.A. franchising restaurants?
I was in New York for seven
years playing the market.
I did okay, but then, like everyone else,
when the market crashed, I lost my shirt,
so I decided to move to L.A.
and start fresh.
My buddy Scott Askey...
you remember Scotty?
Yeah, he... he decided to put me
up until I could get back on my feet.
Guess Scotty and I share something...
getting you back on your feet.
It's funny how we ended
up being neighbors again.
Well, I live in the Fairfax district.
I'm guessing you're more of
a Beverly Hills, Malibu girl.
So, Alex Birch now?
Wow. That is just...
Is your husband here with you?
My ex-husband.
Frankly, I don't know where he is.
I don't like the word "divorce,"
so I like to refer to myself
as a free bird. And you?
Married. Four months ago.
Congrats. Is she here?
I'd love to meet her.
No. I came alone. This is
a business trip, after all.
Though, given our history, I don't
know if this is such a good idea.
You still haven't forgiven me.
Look, maybe I can
make it up to you now.
Join me for dinner. I will order
something extra special...
Corn dogs with a side
of Mac and cheese.
You remember that?
You'd be surprised by
what else I remember.
I was gonna go to a club tonight to see
some jazz. You want to come with me?
Yes.
Who says no to jazz?
So...
How many do you want?
What?
How many franchise
branches do you want?
Well, our initial roll-out plan
was to have 25 in 5 years.
How about 50 in 3 years?
What would be the terms?
If you can stay, we can work out
the details over the next few days.
I don't know what to say.
You could say no.
Who told you to change partners?
Alex, you're supposed to be
with Steve, Mike with Kimberly.
- And no head on chest.
- But she asked my permission.
- You could say no.
- Why would I? I love her.
Hey, babe.
Hi! What's going on?
It's Scott and Dylan.
- We've been trying to reach you.
- What's up, man?
Yeah. I'm good. Everything's good here.
Just... working on the deal.
You sound awful.
Are you getting enough sleep?
Not really. Wheelin' and
dealin' is... it is hard work.
Okay. Wheelin' and dealin'. Listen...
I got a couple questions, man,
I wanted to go over with you before
the meeting. What time is the meeting?
It's finished.
Damn it! Mike, why didn't you call me
before you screwed everything up, man?
Dude, chill out, okay?
I nailed it. Guess what...
we got 50 branches.
We got 50 branches?
All right, what's the catch, Mike?
No catch. I just got to stay here for a
couple more days and finalize the details.
That's unbelievable! That's fanta...
How did you talk her into that?
I will tell you all about
that when I get back.
- When are you back?
- When are you coming back? I miss you.
Okay, yeah, I miss you, too.
I got to go.
There is a meeting. It is urgent, okay?
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- We did it.
- Good morning, lazy bum.
- Morning.
- Who was that? The wife?
- No.
Yeah. It... it was, and Scotty.
Come on. Let's beat
everyone to the links.
I'm not exactly a match for you.
I mean, I'm a beginner at this.
Remember when you
taught me how to dance?
I used to trip all over the floor?
Well, it's payback time.
Come on. Go... get dressed.
Let's go drink.
- Come on!
- Let's see what you've got.
All right, here we go.
That's one. That's one!
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
Come on!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
In your face! Come on.
You ready? Here we go.
Here we go!
Yeah!
One more! One more!
One more! One more!
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!
If your flight was at 3 o'clock I
could've dropped you off at the airport.
I know, I know. You got to run.
Tournament's about to start.
If you wait until Monday,
we could go together.
I have to report back to
my boss before I get fired.
I understand.
I really enjoyed our time together.
Me too. I'll see you in L.A.?
- Dude, you look like shit.
- Nice to see you, too.
- Did you get the L.O.I. Signed?
- Not yet.
Bro, you know how iffy these deals can be.
You said you had it in the bag.
Dude, relax. The deal is locked in.
What makes you so sure?
I found a shortcut.
You know their C.E.O., Alex Birch?
Her maiden name is Alex Roverson.
Alex... Alex Roverson?
The prom queen who went
missing Alex Roverson?
You got to be kidding me. So, why
didn't you get the L.O.I. signed again?
Alex is coming to the restaurant on Friday.
I thought it'd be more official that way.
So, if you weren't there closing the deal,
what were you doing there the whole time?
We were just catching
up on things, you know,
doing the whole P.R. game with her,
telling her what a great
franchise Lipnick's is gonna be.
Five days is a long time to talk.
Did she tell you why she
went missing prom night?
Okay. You know what?
Wait. What are you doing?
Rick.
Yeah, look, can you set up the backup
meetings for Fresco and K.C. And company?
Really?
Yeah. Okay, thanks, man.
What are you doing?
Yeah, I've been doing some talking,
too, myself, all right? Just in case.
- Dude, we have a deal.
- I don't want a deal.
I don't even think we should be doing
business with her in the first place.
Scotty, you worry too much.
Yeah, yeah. I'm the idiot.
You're the optimist. I forgot.
Shit.
Does Alex really live there?
Dude, if I were you, I wouldn't
dare go anywhere near her.
Yeah, Mike, I think you should
really reconsider Kimberly.
Dude, she probably thinks
you're some millionaire's son
with all those boss shirts you've
with all been borrowing from Scott.
Those boss shirts that I've
been borrowing from Scott
don't even make Scott look
like a millionaire, dude.
You guys are just jealous.
I'm an optimist, all right?
I look at the brighter side
of things. Okay? Bye-bye.
- You want us to wait?
- No. Alex said we'll take her limo.
- Okay. Let's go.
- No, wait a sec.
I'm here to pick up Alex.
She's expecting me.
Tux, corsage, prom date.
You're mistaken, young man.
Miss Alex has left for the weekend.
Come on, big guy.
No, we... we have a date.
Sir, I mean, it's prom. She...
she can't be gone. She has to be here.
So can you call her down
here so I can talk to her?
Are you implying that
I've lied to you?
No. No, no, no. Just... just that
there's apparently a misunderstanding.
Is there someone else that I can
talk to, like how about the driver?
- I mean, he must know her plans.
- I'm the limo driver.
What? How do you guard the
house and drive at the same...
It's none of your business what I do.
Now you need to leave.
You can do that the
easy or the hard way.
I strongly suggest the
easy way. Up to you.
Where you going?
Alex! Alex!
- Alex!
- Give him to me.
Alex, come outside!
Come outside right now!
I'm here to pick you up! Alex!
Okay. All right.
Alex! Alex, come outside!
Alex, I'm here to pick you up!
I have your corsage!
It's purple! It matches my tie! Alex!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- No! Stop!
- What?
Shit. Sorry, honey.
I was just having a bad dream.
- Hey, wifey.
- Hi, hubby.
You're jet-lagged like you
went to Europe or something.
Look at that picture there.
Don't worry. One day, Lipnick's is
gonna have all the magazine ads.
I'm not talking about that one.
The one to the right of it.
That magazine went out of business.
They're gonna be gone within a month.
Can you stop talking about business?
I'm talking about family.
Of course. I'm talking
about family, too.
I am talking about
our family's... future.
I want to have twins
just like that...
one that looks like you and one that looks
like me. Identical twins are so boring.
I'm sorry.
What do you mean?
I kind of wasted your money, I think.
I don't think there's gonna be a deal.
But there are other companies
we're gonna go to.
I know a whole bunch of
people we can talk to.
Relax. You don't have to.
Let's just be happy
with what we have.
I missed you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- How much?
- A lot.
Really?
Hey.
Evening, madam.
Welcome to Lipnick's. Table for two?
- Just one.
- Come with me.
Your waitress will be right with you.
- I suppose you're Dylan?
- Yeah. Have we met before?
Alex... Alex Birch.
Oh. Hi. It's so nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, as well.
- Hey, Alex.
- Hi.
- Wow. What a surprise.
This is... this is my wife, Dylan.
Dylan, this is... Alex Birch.
- I got it.
- She's the C.E.O. of Girthan's...
- I am just an old high school classmate.
- Yeah. Mike told me.
Please make yourself
comfortable, and welcome.
Thank you.
She's beautiful.
Why'd you go to Fresco?
They're my main competitors.
I... I talked to, some of the...
some of the... some of my partners,
and... well, they were... they were
afraid of a conflict of interest.
Mike, cut the bullshit.
You don't trust me, do you?
What's this?
Proof of trust. Cash it
anytime you see a red flag.
So come by my office,
sign the contract,
and let's finalize this
deal once and for all.
Would you put that back in our pocket,
Mike? That's a lot of fucking money.
By the way, I think I'm
really starting to like Alex.
You can't get a better proof
of trust than that check.
Okay. So what exactly do
you know about the divorce?
Nothing other than the fact
that she just had a rough time.
Okay, well, I heard differently
at the reunion last year.
Apparently, she dumped the guy after one
year and ended up with most of his money.
You know what? That's probably
just a lot of people talking smack.
You know, I don't really care, Mike.
I just want to know.
Is there anything between you two?
Dude, we all worked hard on this.
Damn it, Scott, are you not seeing the
frickin' value in a million-dollar check?
All those zer...
are you kidding me? Really?
You know what? I'm not letting this
come between us. I'm just returning it.
What? Can you... can I...
Just hold it one last time?
Hey. There will be plenty to
hold in the future, buddy.
Fuck!
You.
- Who are you, sir? You look familiar.
- Yeah, so do you.
You remind me of some a-hole back in
Punkton, Kansas, when I was a kid.
Oh, yeah, I remember you. Sorry, kid.
I mean "Sir." I was just
doing my job. Come on in.
You still pissed at me?
You know, if you'd have been
four inches shorter back then,
I would have taught you some manners.
You know, she was home that night.
- She lied to me?
- I lied.
She cried in her room for days, maybe
weeks. Baby girl was in some major pain.
Seems boss man had some sort of stick
up his ass about your family being too...
too common.
She doesn't like to receive greetings
on her birthday these days.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Today's her birthday?
- You didn't know? Then why are you here?
Shit. I should've brought a gift.
- Holy shit.
- I know.
- Who else lives here with her?
- Just her. This way.
No hard feelings, sir?
Carry on.
Hi.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Why don't you come down to Lipnick's?
We'll make you a nice birthday meal.
I want to be alone, Mike.
I think I deserve that.
Oh, come on. Don't be like that.
Can you...
Never mind.
What?
Can you spare, like,
three hours for me?
No one else?
I promise... no business.
I didn't think so.
Okay.
What do you want to do?
Can you hear me?
- Now can you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
Holy cow!
- This was your husband's?
- No. It was my family's.
But it's mine now that
my dad's passed away.
Actually, I've got some clothes
for you, if you want to change.
Right through there.
Hi.
Here you go. Is there anything else
I can do for you, Ms. Roverson?
No, thank you. You can go
home for the rest of the night.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
You know, there's a
movie theater inside,
and I have "Superman" all
cued up and ready to go.
"Superman"... Wow.
That brings back memories.
I know.
You watched it two times in a row.
At the drive-in.
How did you know that?
I was there... in the last row...
watching you.
I came there because I
wanted to say goodbye,
and I wanted to apologize, but...
I wasn't allowed to.
I tried every excuse in the book to
sneak out of that car and come see you,
but the driver wouldn't let me.
My dad's orders.
To Superman.
Truth, justice, and the American way.
You remember that scene when he's
able to spin the earth backwards?
Yeah.
Sometimes I wish I could spin the
world back thirteen years, you know?
Me too.
I... I can't.
I understand.
I can't, but...
So, you gonna tell me where
you disappeared to last night?
I thought I told you.
I went to Alex's office.
Yeah, Scott told me, but I thought
that was yesterday afternoon.
Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Yesterday
was her birthday, and I didn't even know.
Yeah, they had a big beach party
for her out at her house in Malibu.
I couldn't say no.
I was gonna call you, but...
Oh, that's fine. Just didn't
want you to drink and drive.
Just worried about you.
We had a very good meeting with Fresco.
You want to know the way I see it?
All right, look,
Fresco made a valid point...
we should start with five branches.
That way, we all get to bed on time,
- we still reach our goal.
- Jesus, grandpa, what are you, 80?
We need to enter this
thing with a big bang.
Can't leave room for lots of little
copycat's to start popping up.
Yeah, I don't even know why we
took that meeting today. I mean,
we have a better deal at Girthan's.
Thank you.
- Did you fuck her?
- Scotty.
Just checking.
Rick, could you give us a minute?
Could you give us a minute, please?
Got it.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
But where were you last night, Mike?
Scotty, let's talk business, okay?
No biases, no conflicts of interest.
- She is giving us the deal of a lifetime.
- I never disagreed with that.
And for the record, she did not stand
me up at prom. It was her dad, not her.
Well, what happened to her check?
Did you return it?
Scott, Scotty, Scottster...
Do not fuck this up.
Just let's look at it this way.
As long as we're making a pile of cash,
who really cares who fucks who?
- Yeah...
- Scotty...
No goof-ups. Trust me.
Yeah, I promise.
Well, I think the proposal is perfect
as is, so I'm signing off on it.
We have a deal.
- We have a deal.
- We have a deal.
I love you.
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.
I feel like my life had passed
me by until I saw you again.
I'm committed, Mike. I'm willing
to be in this for the long haul.
But it's up to you.
I'll wait until Christmas
to hear your answer.
I fuckin' knew it.
You playing with
people's lives again?
You...
You are a dangerous
man to know, Mike.
I know. I'm sorry.
What do I tell Dylan?
I'm not a freakin' counselor, Mike.
What kind of question is that?
"Do I dump my wife
before I close the deal?
Or do I close the deal,
then dump her?"
Well, what would you
do if you were me?
Me?
I would've taken Kimberly to the
prom thirteen years ago, okay?
- That's what I would've done.
- Dude, come on, like...
I really need your help.
You're my best friend.
Why do you keep getting yourself in
the same situations over and over?
You got a rich girl on one side
and a poor one on the other.
You calling me a gold digger?
I'll answer that later.
First, you tell me...
did you sleep with her or not?
Oh, shit.
Do you love her?
Oh, shit!
- What do I do?
- How am I supposed to know?
Remember, you're the one who looks
at everything on the bright side.
Tell you what. Do both women.
Do both women, keep the franchise,
and two helicopters, too.
And I'll stay quiet for life.
Know why?
'Cause I'm your best...
I'm your best friend.
- You're drunk. Come on.
- Let me go.
You're the one that needs a hand.
Finish that.
"Dearest Dylan.
"I'm sorry I didn't have the
guts to tell you this in person.
I have so much gratitude for you
in my heart for all the love
and everything you and your
family have done for me.
But I haven't lived up to your love.
I have a confession.
I have fallen in love with Alex.
Perhaps I've been in love
with her my entire life.
She was my childhood sweetheart.
Until the past few months, to me,
she was a dream unfulfilled.
I recently found out that
I was her dream, too.
When we reconnected
after such a long time,
we instantly felt that nothing
between us has changed with time.
In fact, our love has grown
in the last few weeks.
If I deny these feelings,
I'll be a lousy husband cheating
on a loyal, wonderful wife like you.
You deserve more.
You deserve better.
It is with sorrow that I am writing
this to you to request a divorce.
Hopefully one without
too much animosity."
Okay.
He's here.
Wait, wait, wait!
You can't escape that easily.
Come on over here. Come. Come on.
Come in. Zits.
Sit.
So, now that we have our man,
let me say a few words.
As you all know, our beloved
Mike surprised us very much
with his unexpected Jewishness
and his total conversion.
And recently, he surprised us
with his Lipnick's franchise plan.
He's a man of many surprises.
So now it's our turn.
Time to give Mike the surprise of
his life, and when he hears this,
believe me... he won't forget
this day so long as he lives.
So, without further ado,
I want to announce today...
that...
I'm gonna be a great-grandfather!
A great-grandpa! Mazel Tov!
And Mike's gonna be a father!
Everybody, raise your glass.
L'chaim! L'chaim. What a mitzvah.
Oh, look at them.
What a couple.
Oh, they're so beautiful.
Nice, beautiful Jewish children
they're going to have.
Oh, my. Mazel Tov.
Oh, oh, it's so wonderful.
Thank you. Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Oh. You'll have twins,
maybe quintuplets.
Oh, a bunch of little Jewish
babies running around!
Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
Scotty.
Scotty, pick up.
Pick up, pick up.
- Hey, dude, what's up?
- She's pregnant.
- Who?
- What?
I'm sorry, but with you,
I need to ask who.
- Dylan.
- Holy shit.
- Exactly. There's more.
- Always.
I sent an e-mail to her
telling her about Alex.
You sent an e-mail? That's harsh.
Scotty, focus, okay? Focus.
Help now, judge later.
I need you to call your tech guys and
ask them how to recover an e-mail.
Don't you know her password?
- No!
- Shit.
Mike, there's no way to
recall an e-mail. Trust me.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Okay. Okay, Mike. Get it together.
Get it together, Mike.
Get it together.
There's at least 50 restaurants here.
I never, ever thought we'd be able
to retire, but if this works out,
maybe we can. Or at least
cut back on our hours.
Retire? Oh, sweetheart.
We're not gonna retire.
We're just gonna begin to live.
- I got to go.
- Okay. I'll see you at home.
I'll show them the rest.
- All right, let's see.
- He did this all himself.
Sorry.
- Didn't mean to wake you up.
- I wasn't sleeping.
I was at the office with Scott,
and then we went to dinner, and...
It's okay. Come on in.
I read your e-mail.
I'm sorry. Okay? I...
I wouldn't have sent it if I
had known... the news earlier.
So, you would have continued to
cheat on your wife? For how long?
No. No, no. I... I don't mean that.
I just mean I would've waited
for the... the right time.
The right time.
And when would that be?
Dylan, I am sorry. Okay?
It's just I'm kind of
in a corner right now.
She wants to leave by Christmas,
and she wanted an answer before then.
Oh. Oh, she does, does she?
Okay. Well, at first, I was upset.
After I calmed myself down a bit,
I thought about it.
I tried to be objective...
Tried to understand where
you were coming from.
Thank you.
And I've come to a decision.
The answer is no.
- What?
- You heard me. No.
W-what do you mean "No"?
- No to what?
- To a divorce. No.
I understand where
you're coming from.
Okay, knowing what we know now,
I'm not gonna insist on
it right away, obviously.
No. Not by tomorrow, not by Christmas,
not by any deadline she may give you.
I'm not signing divorce papers
for you ever in my life, period.
Good night.
So, you have to go by Christmas?
Look, I understand
your dilemma, Mike.
Just let me go. Be with her.
I'm not gonna force
you into anything.
And don't worry. I'm not gonna
back out of the franchise deal.
That's not what I'm worried about.
She's pregnant.
Congratulations.
That's exciting.
You are gonna be a great dad.
I hope your baby gets those
beautiful long eyelashes.
I wasn't ready for this.
I don't want to lose you again, Alex.
Okay.
I can wait.
How long do you think?
I'm afraid it may never happen.
Okay.
It's all right, Mike.
I just want you to be happy.
- It's all right.
- No, it's not me.
She said no... no to the divorce...
not now, not ever.
Oh, my gosh. She sounds
like just like my ex-husband.
He never wanted to let me go, either.
That bloodsucking leech.
Should've known better than
to sign that prenup. So stupid.
Never sign a prenuptial agreement
without reading it carefully.
There are so many snakes
to bite you on the ass
that the devil's
pitchfork up the wazoo
is gonna come as a welcome
relief by comparison.
Scott, how could you not let
me read this fucking bible?
I would've done it for free!
And you! You...
How do you sign this thing
without giving it to me first?
All right. All right. Here we go.
Here we go, okay. Here is
the clause that's the killer.
If you ask for a divorce, you have to
arrange a formal divorce ceremony.
Such ceremony must consist of the guests
attended the wedding in the first place.
It has to take place in
the same wedding venue.
The couple will wear the same
attire from their wedding day,
and only then is she legally bound
to sign your divorce application.
On top of that, you also have the burden of
explaining your reasons for your divorce.
The ceremony will be followed
by a lavish dinner and dancing,
which will be paid for... by you.
In short, she's a genius.
She's got you by the balls.
You're fucked.
Welcome to the club.
Although I have some good news.
There's a 10 percent discount
on the people attending.
Good luck, buddy!
Bastard. Con man.
He pulled the "I'll be Jewish"
wool over our eyes.
You mean your eyes. I told you
it wasn't a proper conversion.
Why would you let that
bastard live in your place?
- Why don't you kick him out?
- Grandpa! How does that help me?
At least I'll have somebody to
call 911 in case, god forbid,
something happens to me
in the middle of the night.
Well, you move in with us.
We'll take care of you.
Why should you?
It's his responsibility, too.
You know, nowadays they say,
"We are pregnant."
Why should he have the easy
way out? Let him do his share.
Having a baby is a bliss. He doesn't
deserve to be any part of it.
If I were you,
I would kick him so far away
that even his shadow
couldn't touch that baby.
Enough!
25 years ago, you chased Delilah's
father away with the same attitude,
and what was the result? He never
even showed up for Rachel's funeral.
And who suffered the most?
Delilah.
This child has never even seen
her father in her entire life.
I'm so sorry to bring
this up now, honey.
This is not our decision to make.
It's Mike. Wait, wait, please.
Let me talk to him now.
- Hey, grandpa Paul.
- Hi.
- I'm assuming Dylan told you.
- Yes, she told us.
I just want to say I have the
highest regard for you and Elaine.
I think Dylan is a wonderful,
wonderful woman.
I truly love her. I really do.
It's just, you know, sometimes fate
kind of plays tricks on you, and...
I never thought I'd run into Alex
again in the rest of my life, but...
I did, and unfortunately, it just kind of...
happened at the wrong time.
What do you want from me?
Dylan is not really of a sound
mind to listen to me, so...
I was wondering if you could talk to
her and get her to sign these papers.
If you do, we can just avoid
the whole prenup and just...
Move on.
My granddaughter never
cared for my advice,
even when she was choosing a spouse.
But don't be discouraged.
I'll do my very best to help
you out with your divorce.
Living together after this
isn't good for anyone. Wait.
And, you know, I will do my
best to work on the franchise.
Oh. Is this the prenup?
I already have a copy.
No, it's the guest list
from your wedding.
- I thought you said you were gonna help me.
- I just did.
I'm now officially butting
out of your lives. Good luck.
Honey, you're going about
this all the wrong way.
Stop thinking of this as just your
divorce and start thinking of this as a...
celebration of our lives together.
Start having fun
with it, and if you do,
then the guests will be more likely
to come. Just think about it.
How many divorces will ever
have this kind of an opportunity?
Good luck.
Every day, every hour you're on the road.
It's a carmaggeddon for you, dick.
- Don't call him that near my school, mom!
- Be quiet. Mommy and daddy are talking.
It doesn't mean you can
take away my day with him.
No?
No.
This is hilarious!
Oh, you got to accept
this funny gift.
Hi. Come to my divorce.
You are coming to my divorce.
Divorce ceremony.
Henley's only, okay?
What the fuck? Who the fuck are you?
Some high-school friend?
Some college roommate?
- Who the fuck is this, Brad?
- Honey, I have no idea.
I swear to god, I don't even
know who this idiot is.
Brad, it's me... Mike Christian.
I'm Dylan Lipnick's husband.
Oh! Oh, yeah!
So you do know him!
- Did you just lie to me?
- I mean... I don't exactly know...
Fuck you!
How dare you fucking lie to
me on my fucking wedding day
before my fucking honeymoon?
So, a young Jewish couple
gets successfully divorced,
but the wife says to the judge,
"Now I have to apply for a get."
And the judge says, "Get what?"
She says, "No, that's the name for a
Jewish ceremony which is for a divorce."
And he says, "Oh, I understand.
In other words, you mean like a bris."
She says, "Yes, except that
in a bris, it's one thing.
In a get, you get to get rid
of the entire schmuck."
Hey, there. You and me... divorce
ceremony. Thanks. Come here.
Look what he brings me...
a divorce invitation.
Hi. I would like to
invite you to my divorce.
Is it true you're actually
seeking a divorce from Dylan?
No comment.
You are coming to
my divorce. Be there.
Hey, Paul and Amber.
Divorce invitation.
I'll see you there, okay?
Oh, my god! It's Mike!
Oh, my god! Mike!
I'm so happy you're here! I was
hoping that you were gonna come.
I saw you on the cover of that
one magazine. Is this for me?
You're coming to my divorce.
See you there.
I think I'm gonna bring a plus-one because
I didn't bring anyone the last time.
Joseph Armstrong in the house!
That's because there wasn't
an open bar, but this time,
I think there's going to be.
You know what I mean?
And I'm done! That's it!
According to the
prenuptial agreement,
it is incumbent upon the person
who initiated the divorce
to invite all of those who attended the
original wedding... minus 10 percent.
Mr. Christian has done
this successfully.
As decreed in the
prenuptial agreement,
Mrs. Christian must sign
the divorce petition.
Well...
It feels weird to be offering
congratulations to you, Mike.
I didn't think you could pull it off.
I have...
never had such a strong bond
with anyone as I have with you.
I have never been so in love.
And I thought you felt the same way.
I guess I was wrong.
In the past few weeks,
I've seen how much trouble
Mike has gone through to
get all of you here today.
He has shown tremendous
persistence to end this marriage
and unite with Alex.
Maybe that means she
deserves him more than I do.
And now, according to the
prenuptial agreement...
Mr. Christian will reveal
his reasons for a divorce.
Thank you, Dylan.
And thank you, all, for coming today
and sparing your valuable time for me.
Getting all you here was no easy task,
I can assure you that.
It was no fun having doors
slammed in my face,
getting the evil eye on the street,
being spat upon, punched in the face,
and told I am a horrible person
for deserting my pregnant wife.
This little... event was not my idea.
It all happened because Dylan slipped
a little clause in our prenup...
a clause I never bothered to read.
Otherwise, I never would have
had to face this shit storm
and see all of you, but I did.
And today, I am a winner...
A winner not just because
I got my way, but...
because I made the journey.
I followed through on this.
It was a journey of meeting people,
talking with them,
reasoning with some,
arguing with others,
listening to their pains,
their turmoils,
their successes, their failures,
their mistakes and their regrets...
their life lessons.
Now, I was mad at Dylan for
making me come here today.
I thought she was a selfish,
stubborn woman...
Until I ran into a single mom with
five kids who asked me a question.
She said, "What if Dylan
had instigated the divorce?
Would she have to go
through the same hell?"
So, I read the prenup again, and...
sure as shit, she'd have to go
through the same hell I did.
That's when I realized that this
clause wasn't evil after all.
It was fair... to both of us.
And it was fair to our unborn
child that the parents
aren't gonna just walk
away from each other.
I realized that this...
this long journey that I had to take
was the perfect counseling for
a torn, confused man like me.
When I put on this suit today,
I was reminded how I
felt on my wedding day.
I've been thinking a lot about
the word "love" lately.
Love is a...
Powerful emotion.
Love is this...
indescribable feeling you
get when you see someone
who you know will do
anything for you...
When you see someone with a life
growing inside of them,
a life you helped create.
Love is sticking it out.
Living with someone day after day,
waking up next to them every
morning with their bad breath
and their hair matted to
one side of their head,
and you just look at
them and you think,
"God, she's beautiful."
That's love.
Dylan, I've given you every
reason not to love me...
And only one reason to.
I love you.
You once said to me, you said,
if only your thesis could
change one person...
It did.
I'm sorry, Alex.
I have to do this.
So, in front of all of you...
I am begging you, Dylan,
to please forgive me for all the
pain that I have caused you.
Dylan, will you remarry me?
Yes!
Yes, but...
You're gonna have to work for it.
I promise.
Mazel Tov!
All right, now listen up! Now...
- All of you who had sex last night...
- Yeah!
Let's go! Step up!
Get your picture ta... oh!
Couple late bloomers.
Couple late bloomers. Okay, okay.
No kissing and telling, buddy.
All right, now...
Those of you who had
sex with the groom!
Somebody got to be in with the groom!
- Sorry, Dylan. Oh!
- Okay, mama.
Yeah, come here.
Thanks for playing.
All right, now, those of you
who were screwed by the groom.
Yeah!
Pick your head up, buddy.
Pick your head up, buddy. Come on.
Smile about it. It's a celebration.
All right. All right. A good sport.
Now, those of you...
Who screwed the groom,
big-time. Somebody did.
Okay, all right.
- Hurted me more than it hurted you.
- Might need some counseling on that one.
All right, now, those of you,
who, unfortunately...
saw the groom butt naked
having sex. That was us!
That was us! Get in there.
- You know what?
- Michael... don't touch him.
Stay away from him.
Stay away from him.
All right, now, those of you...
Who would like to go on a honeymoon
with the groom, come on down!
- Yeah, see? She wants to go.
- Here they... boy, they... oh!
- I'm starting to think something here.
- You love it. And once you go Mike,
you don't go anywhere else.
- There something you want to tell me?
- No. No, there's nothing. There is nothing.
Okay, just making sure.
Last but certainly not least...
I feel like we all want to do this...
who wants to go on a
honeymoon with the bride?
That's all of you! That's everybody!
- That's all of you! You're kidding me!
- No! She is mine! No! She's mine!
No! Absolutely not!
Get it, man!