Dogma (1999) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen, the driving forcebehind Catholicism WOW! Cardinal Glick.
Thank you.
Now we all knowhow the majority...
and the media in this country...
view the Catholic church.
They think of us as a pass,archaic institution.
People find the Bible obtuse...
even hokey.
Now, in an effort to disproveall that...
the Church has appointed this yearas a time of renewal...
both of faith and of style.
For example, the crucifix.
While it has been a time-honored symbolof our faith...
Holy Mother Churchhas decided to retire...
this highly recognizable...
yet wholly depressing image...
of our Lord, crucified.
Christ didn't come to Earthto give us the willies.
He came to help us out.
He was a booster, and it'swith that take on our Lord in mind...
that we've come up with a new,more inspiring Sigil.
So, it is with great pleasurethat I present you with the first...
of many revampsthe Catholicism Wow! Campaign...
will unveil over the next year,I give you...
"The Buddy Christ."
That's not the sanctioned termwe're using for the symbol.
Just something we've beenkicking around the office.
But look at it.
Doesn't it pop?
Buddy Christ.
Well, there you have it.
Let me get this straight.
You don't believe in Godbecause of Alice in Wonderland?
No, Through the Looking Glass.
That poem,"The Walrus and the Carpenter"...
that's an indictmentof organized religion.
The Walrus, with his girthand his good nature...
he obviously represents either Buddha...
or with his tusks,the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha.
That takes careof your Eastern religions.
Now, the Carpenter, which isan obvious reference to Jesus Christ...
who was raised a carpenter's son,he represents the Western religions.
Now, in the poem,what do they do?
They dupe all these oystersinto following them...
and then proceed to shuck and devourthe helpless creatures en masse.
I don't know what that says to you,but to me it says...
that following these faithsbased on mythological figures...
ensures the destructionof one's inner-being.
Organized religion destroyswho we are...
by inhibiting our actions,by inhibiting our decisions...
out of fear of someintangible parent figure...
who shakes a finger at usfrom thousands of years ago...
and says, " Do it...Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you!"
Oh, Jesus!
The way you put it, I've never reallythought about it like that before.
What have I been doingwith my life?
- What am I?- Yeah, I know.
Listen, my advice to you...
you take this money that you'vebeen collecting for your parish...
go get yourself a nice dress,fix yourself up.
Find some man... find some woman... youcan connect with, even for a moment...
'cause that's really all life is,Sister... a series of moments.
Why don't you seize yours?
That a girl.
You know, here's whatI don't get about you.
You know for a factthat there is a God.
You've been in His presence.He's spoken to you personally.
- Yet I heard you claim to be atheist.- I like to fuck with the clergy, man.
I just love it. I love to keepthose guys on their toes.
Here's what I don't get about you.
Why do you feel the needto come to this place all the time?
My friend, becausethis is humanity at its best.
Look at them.
All that anger, all that mistrust,all that unhappiness...
forgotten for that one perfect momentwhen they get off the plane.
See those two?
What that guy doesn't know is that thegirl cheated on him while she was away.
- She did?- Twice.
- Nice.- But it doesn't matter right now...
'cause they're just both so relievedto be with one another.
I like that.
I wish they all couldfeel that way more often.
Is this why I had to come down hereand miss my fucking cartoons?
You call me, you tell meit's important.
What, to share in your half-assedobsession with Hallmark moments?
We're going home.
Somebody sent us this in the mail.
Take it and quit leering at me. Peoplewill think I just broke up with you.
- You said we're going home, didn't you?- Read.
"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon OnCatholicism Wow! Campaign."
You have to keep reading.
"The rededication ofSt. Michael's Church..."
... is the kickoff of a new campaignwhich seeks to bring...
Catholicism into the mainstream.
With a papal sanction,the archway entrance...
of the century-old Jersey shorehouse of worship...
will serve as a passagewayof plenary indulgence...
a little-known Catholic belief offeringall that passes through its arches...
a morally clean slate.
For Sunday News Brief,I'm Grant Hicks.
All I gotta do, I walk through the archthing, and then I can go back home?
No. By walking through the archway,all your sins are forgiven.
- Then all we have to do is die.- Die? I don't wanna die.
- You rather hang around here?- No. We don't know if we can die.
But what if we can and thenthe arch thing doesn't work?
What then, Hell?Fuck that.
It's impossible.If we cut off our wings...
and transubstantiate to completehuman form, we become mortal.
If we die with clean souls,there's no way they can keep us out.
We won't be angels anymore,but at least we get to go home.
- Who sent the paper?- Who cares who sent the paper?
All that matters is that afterall these years, we found a loophole.
He can't keep us out anymore.
Once we're back in,it'll be forgive and forget.
But this thing,this is Church law.
It's not Divine Mandate.
Church laws are falliblebecause they're created by man.
One of the last sacred promisesimparted to Peter, the first pope...
by the Son of Godbefore He left was...
- "Whatever you hold true on Earth..."- "I'll hold true in Heaven."
It's dogmatic law. If the Churchsays it's so, God must adhere.
This thing has a papal sanction...
Let it never be said youranal retentive attention to detail...
never yielded positive results.
You can't be anal retentiveif you don't have an anus.
Outstanding work!
There's just one thingI think we gotta do before we leave.
This is gonna help us get backon His good side.
Here. I've been dreaming about thisfor five years. Read that.
"Mooby, the Golden Calf.
Creating an EmpireOut of Simplicity."
I wanna hit 'em.
You really arejust a simple creature.
We finally find a way backand you want to jeopardize that...
because you've got a soft spotfor the good ol' days.
What better way to repent than byresuming the position I once denied...
thanks to you?
I don't think a killing spreeis gonna make things better for us.
Killing spree?I'm talking about Divine Justice here.
I'm talking about reigning down fireand brimstone, punishing the wicked.
He's all about that.I know He'd want this done.
There hasn't been an Angel of Deathsince you quit.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
And besides, what if you're wrong,like you always are?
If I'm wrong... which I'm's not gonna matter.
We're gonna pass throughyour arch thing anyway.
We're gonna be forgiven.No harm, no foul.
Well, He does hate competition.I will say that.
And your Mooby certainly fallsunder that heading.
Where is this churchwe have to go to?
New Jersey. Rededication ceremonyis in four days.
Last four days on Earth?
If I had a dick,I'd go get laid.
- We can do the next best thing.- What's that?
Let's kill people.
Oh, not you.
The greater Illinois Chapterof the Right to Life Foundation...
will be holding itsbiannual softball game...
against the Cook County...
Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2:00.
Today's second collectionwill be donated...
to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.
For those of youwho haven't been following the news...
an unidentified homeless man...
who was accosted and severely beatenat the New Jersey shore last Tuesday...
lies in critical, but stable conditionin one of that area's hospitals.
He lacks identification...
and police have had no luck trackingdown any possible family.
The archbishop of the Trenton diocesehas disputed the state's decision...
to remove the indigent manfrom life-support systems...
asking that Catholicsall over the country...
join in this protest against euthanasia.
Well, now please risefor the recession of faith.
We believe in one God,the Father Almighty...
Maker of Heaven and Earth.
We believe in Jesus Christ,His only Son, Our Lord...
Choose life!
You're gonna burn in Hell,ya fuckin' baby killer!
Holy shit. It's the pope.
- Huh?- Where?
What are you talking about?
Jesus! You're a Catholic.Can't you talk to them?
They hate me more than you,no doubt.
At least you have an excuse. You'reJewish. You don't know any better.
We already used that excusewhen we killed Christ.
Where were you yesterday?We went to brunch.
I went to church.
That still kills me,you and church.
If only they knew your weekly tithingcame from a Planned Parenthood check.
I don't know why I still go, Liz.
I can remember going to churchwhen I was young and being moved.
Now I sit there every Sundayand I feel nothing.
I don't think I have any faith left.
Remember that seminary studentI tried to set you up with?
The 20-year-old. The one I couldhave baby-sat for in high school.
The point is,he told me something.
He said that faithis like a glass of water.
When you're young, the glass is little,so it's easy to fill.
As you get older,the glass gets bigger.
The same amount of liquiddoesn't fill it anymore.
But periodicallythe glass has to be refilled.
You're suggesting I needto get filled?
In more ways than one.
You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane.You need a man, if only for 10 minutes.
It's been my experience thatthe average male is never a man...
not even for ten minutesin his entire life span.
That sounds militant. Are you thinkingof joining the other side?
Couldn't do it.Women are insane.
Then you need to go back to churchand ask God for a third option.
I think God is dead.
The sign of a true Catholic.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.
I'm from the EPA.
We're checking on possiblefreon leaks.
Tell me,do you have air conditioning?
Yes, we have central air.
In every room?
Except the bathroom.Why?
Well, you do knowwhat that means, don't you?
No pleasure, no rapture,no exquisite sin greater...
than central air.
Pick that up.
This will be the base of operationsfrom here on in.
Now, if I rememberthe protocol correctly...
the powers...
will attempt to contactthe last scion.
I need you three...
to shuffle her loosethe mortal coil.
Behold the Metatron!
Herald of the Almightyand voice of the one true God!
Behold the Metatron!
Herald of the Almightyand voice of the one true God!
Sweet Jesus!Do you have to use the whole can?
Who the fuck are you andwhat the fuck are you doing in my room?
I'm the one that's soaked and she'sthe one that's surly. That's rich.
Stupid fucking...
Get the fuck out of here,now!
Or you'll do what exactly?
Hit me with that fish?
Now, just sit down on the bedand shut up.
Jesus wept!
Look at my suit.
Just take whatever you want,but don't kill or rape me.
Give over! I couldn't rape youif I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.
I'm as anatomically-impairedas a Ken doll.
Make yourself usefuland give me that towel.
You bottom-feedersand your arrogance.
You think everybody's just tryingto get in your knickers.
What are you?
I'm pissed off is what I am.
Do you drench everyone who comes in yourroom with flame-retardant chemicals?
No wonder you're single.
Stand back.
As I was sayin'...
prior to your fire-fighting episode...
I am the Metatron.
Don't tell me the namedoesn't ring a bell?
You people.
If there isn't a movie about it,it's not worth knowing, is it?
I am a seraphim.
The highest choir of angels.
You do know what an angel is,don't you?
Metatron acts as the voice of God.
Any documented occasion when some yahooclaims that God has spoken to them...
they're speaking to me.
Or they're talking to themselves.
Why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Glad you decided to jointhe conversation. To answer that...
human beings have neither the aural,nor the psychological capacity...
to withstand the awesome powerof God's true voice.
Were you to hear it, your mind wouldcave in and your heart would explode.
We went through five Adamsbefore we figured that one out.
Well, how do I knowyou're an angel?
Aside from the fiery entranceand the expansive wingspan?
You want more proof?
How about tequila?
- Where the hell are we?- Only place you can go for good tequila.
Dos tequilas, por favor,and an empty glass.
We're in Mexico?
Actually, we're in a franchisedMexican family eatery...
down the streetfrom your apartment, but...
it's impressive nonetheless.
You don't mind I lost the wings, do you?I'm trying to keep our profile low.
What do you want with me?
I am to charge youwith a holy crusade.
For the record,I work in an abortion clinic.
Noah was a drunk.Look what he accomplished.
And no one's asking you to build an ark.All you gotta do is go to New Jersey...
and visit a small churchon a very important day.
New Jersey?
That doesn't sound likemuch of a crusade.
Aside from the fine print,that's it.
What's the fine print?
Stop a couple of angels from enteringand thus negating all existence.
Wait, wait, wait.Repeat that.
Stop a couple of angelsfrom entering...
and thus negating all existence.
I hate it when peopleneed it spelled out for them.
You might want to clarify that.
Back in the old days,God was vengeful and hot-tempered.
And His wrath was bore...
by the Angel of Death,name of Loki.
When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed...
that was Loki.
When the waters wiped out everythingexcept Noah and his menagerie...
that was Loki...and he was good at what he did.
But one day...
he refused to bear God's wrathany longer.
- Why?- He listened to his friend...
a Grigoriby the name of Bartleby.
One of the choirs of angels.They're called Watchers.
Guess what they do.
So one day, Loki's wiping outall the firstborn of Egypt...
The Tenth Plague.
Tell a person that you're the Metatronand they stare at you blankly.
Mention something out ofa Charlton Heston movie...
and suddenly everybody'sa theology scholar.
May I continue uninterrupted?
Once he's done with the firstborn...
Loki takes his friend Bartleby outfor a post-slaughter drink.
And over many rounds...
they get intothis discussion about...
whether or not murderin the name of God is okay.
And in the end...
Bartleby convinces Lokito quit his position...
and take one which doesn'tinvolve slaughter.
very inebriated...
Loki tells God he quits...
throws down his fiery sword...
and gives Him the finger.
Which ruins it for the rest of usbecause from that day forward...
God decreed that angelscould no longer imbibe alcohol.
Hence all the spitting.
So, for their insolence...
God decreed that neither Lokinor Bartleby...
would ever be allowedback into Paradise.
- Were they sent to Hell?- Worse.
for the entire spanof human history.
And when the world ends, they'll have tosit outside the gates for all eternity.
And this has what to do with me?
Someone has clued them into a loophole in Catholic dogma...
that would allow themto reenter Heaven.
So what? They beat the system.Good for them.
It's not that simple.
If they get in,they will have reversed God's decree.
Now listen closely becausethis bit's very important.
Existence in all its formand splendor...
function solely on one principle...
God is infallible.
To prove Him wrong...
would undo realityand everything that is.
Up would become down,black would become white.
Existence would become nothingness.
In essence...
if they're allowed to enterthat church...
they'll unmake the world.
If this is so major,why are you talking to me?
- Why doesn't God do something about it?- He could.
But He'd rather see youtake care of this one personally.
Why me?
Because of who you are.
And who am I?
The girl in the pj's!
Don't ask so many questions.Just serve your purpose.
I'm gonna have to pass.
I beg your pardon?
When some quiet little infectiondestroyed my uterus, where was God?
When my husband decided...
he couldn't be with a wifewho couldn't bear his children...
where was God?
To Hell with Him.
Don't allow eons of history and lifeto get blinked out of being...
just because you've got a grudgeagainst your Creator.
So you lost the abilityto make life.
You're being offered the chanceto play mother to the world...
by acting like oneand protecting it...
saving it!
But I can't make you.
However, if you should decideto stop being selfish...
and accept your responsibility...
you won't be alone.
You'll have support.
What? More angels?
In a manner of speaking.Two of 'em.
The one who speaks...
and he will, at great length,whether you want him to or not...
will make mention of himselfas a prophet.
The other one...
well, he's the quiet type.
Look, I've gotta go.
Remember, we're workingin a time frame here.
What's He like?
but funny.
He's got a great sense of humor.
Take sex, for example.There's nothing funnier...
than the ridiculous facesyou people make mid-coitus.
Sex is a joke in Heaven?
The way I understand it,it's mostly a joke down here too.
I'll see ya.
Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!
Go back to your paper routes,you Mighty Duck Fucks!
Snoogans.Did you see that shit, man?
I know they were just kids, but wekicked their fucking pube-less asses!
I don't know what to sayor think, except...
That you'll offer us sexas a reward?
That I'd like to knowwho they and you are.
I'm Jay, and this ismy hetero life mate, Silent Bob.
I don't know who those kids were,but they would have kicked yours...
and Lunchbox's assesif I hadn't represented.
Thanks for beingout here so late.
Wait a minute.Are you protestors?
You mean those dickheads with the signsand pictures of dead babies?
Shit no!Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.
A woman's bodyis her own fucking business.
But what are you doinghanging around?
We're here to pick up chicks.
Excuse me?
We figure abortion clinics area good place to meet loose women.
Why else would they be hereunless they like to fuck?
Well, I should be going.Thanks for the rescue.
- I think.- Wait a second.
We just saved your ass,and you're just gonna take off.
What the shit is that?
I had a weird night last night andtonight's not shaping up to be better.
I think I should go home,take some Percosets and lay down.
Now how about that shit?Fuck this town, man!
I'm goin' back to Jerseyand startin' up the business again.
I can kick the shit out of kidsin Red Bank and make myself a profit.
Prophets. Two of em.
- You know what I'm sayin', Silent Bob?- You gotta be kidding me.
We call this piece "The Fecalator."
One look at it and the targetshits him or herself.
Try it on.
It's a lot more compact than the flamingsword, but not nearly as impressive.
It doesn't have that"Wrath of the Almighty" edge to it.
How am I supposed to strike fear intohearts of the wicked with this thing?
Look at this.
Well, then, you know, don't use a gun.Lay the place to waste like.
Easy for you to say.You get off light in a razing.
You got to stand there and readat Sodom and Gomorrah.
I had to do all the work.
What work did you do?You lit a few fires.
I rained down sulfur.There's a subtle difference.
Okay, I'm sure.
Fuck you. Any moron with a packof matches can set a fire.
Raining down sulfuris like an endurance trial.
Mass genocide is the mostexhausting activity one can engage in...
next to soccer.
I'll take this one.
So, what's up? You have a friend forSilent Bob, or are you gonna do us both?
If so, I'm first.I hate sloppy seconds.
You're a man of principle.
Jersey's pretty far from McHenry.May I ask what brought you here?
Some fuck named John Hughes.
Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
You know that guy too?That fuckin' guy.
He made this flick Sixteen Candles.Not bad.
There's tits in it, but no bush.
But Ebert over here don't givea shit about that kind of thing...
because he's like in lovewith this John Hughes guy.
He goes out and rentsevery one of his movies.
Fuckin' Breakfast Club, where stupidkids actually show up for detention.
Fuckin' Weird Science, where this babewants to undress and get down...
but, oh, no, she don't,because it's a PG movie.
And then Pretty in Pink, which I can'twatch with this tubby bitch anymore...
because when the redhead hooks upwith her dream guy...
he starts sobbin' like a little bitchwith a skinned knee and shit.
And there's nothing worsethan watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep.
What exactly brought youto Illinois?
All these movies take place in thissmall town called Shermer, Illinois...
where all the honeys are top-shelfbut all the dudes are whiny pussies.
Except for Judd Nelson.He was fuckin' harsh.
But best of all...
there was no one dealin', man.
Then it hits me.We could live like phat rats...
if we were the blunt connectionin Shermer, Illinois.
So we collected some moneywe were owed and caught a bus.
But you know what the fuckwe found out when we got there?
There is no Shermer, Illinois.
Movies are fuckin' bullshit.
- When are you going back to New Jersey?- This broad asks a lot of questions.
- Tomorrow.- Tomorrow.
Yeah. So you do anal?
Is it true that chicks fartif you blast them in the ass?
I didn't ask you out for sex.
I'll take head.
This is gonna sound really bad. I can'tbelieve I'm even thinking about this.
I think I should go with you.
Like steady?You wanna be my girlfriend?
All right, but Silent Bob getsto live with us and you pay the rent.
No. I wanna go with youto New Jersey.
You're going to lead me somewhere.
Me lead you?
Lady, look at me. I don't even knowwhere I am half the time.
If we're not gonna fuck, then whatthe fuck did you ask us out for?
Someone told me I'd meet you and you'dtake me someplace I was supposed to go.
What the hell are you babbling about?
We saved your ass fromsome angry fuckin' dwarves...
and now we're supposed to take yousomewhere as if we know where it is?
Do you believe in God?
Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitchesout in front of that place...
and we gotta get the one Jesus freak?
- Let's get the fuck out of here.- Wait.
- I'll scream rape.- I can pay you.
A hundred bucksfor being my guide.
You were going to Jersey anyway.All I'm asking is to tag along.
I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie,and she's Ben Kenobi...
and we're in that fucked-up bar!
What about sex?
No sex.
Let's say we're caught in a situationwhere we have five minutes left to live.
A bomb or something's gonna go off.Would you fuck us then?
In that highly unlikely situation?
Yeah, sure.
She's a slut.
All right.
But I get to drive.
What gear are you in?
What do I know about shiftin'?
Like I ever drove before.
Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania...
New Jersey.
Maybe you're wrongabout this slaughter thing.
How can you be sure what incurs theLord's wrath these days? Times change.
I remember eating meat on a Fridayused to be a Hell-worthy trespass.
The major sins never change.
Besides, I can spota commandment-breaker from a mile away.
Bet on it.
This from the guy who still owes meten bucks over that bet...
about which was gonna be the biggermovie... ET or Krush Groove.
Fuck you, man,'cause time's gonna tell on that one.
Are you insinuating that I don't havewhat it takes anymore?
Insinuating, no.
Flat-out telling you.
Right there.There's one.
So? They're kissing.
- Adultery?- Adultery.
You are just a simple creature.
- Am I right?- I happen to know the truth.
I'm not gonna tell you. I want to seehow boned up on the job you are.
- What's your proof?- He's wearing a wedding band.
And it never occurred to youthat maybe she's his wife?
No married man kisseshis wife like that.
Okay. It's a good thingyou were never...
the deciding member on a juryis all I'm saying.
"No married man kisseshis wife like that"? Are you stoned?
Excuse me.
Are you married?
I'm just curious.
What do you think?
- What?- To her?
- What?- Are you married to her?
Not that it's any ofyour fucking business, but no.
Whose house
Run's house
I said, whose house
Run's house
Whose houseSay what
Run's houseSay what
She's fuckin' pissed, dude.She's never gonna fuck us now.
Maybe you,but definitely not me.
Let me know how she is.
Nobody is fucking me!You got that?
I don't know what I was thinkingin that diner...
but being that I've decided to go home,and not to New Jersey...
sorry for the inconvenienceand good-bye.
You're breaking up with us?
Who the hell do you thinkyou are, lady?
You can't just go aroundbreaking people's hearts like that!
I fell in love with you!We fell in love with you!
Guys like us just don't fall outof the fuckin' sky.
Beautiful, naked, big-tittied womenjust don't fall out of the sky.
No heartbeat.
Think someone threw him out of a planewith a message written on him...
like in Con Air?
- Did you ever see that flick?- Oh, did that suck!
- Con Air? Con Shit.- Kill it!
- Sounds familiar.- Jesus, are you okay?
Yeah, it's Rufus.And yeah, I'm fine.
He's the fucking undead!Cut his head off!
What I just did gave mea fucking migraine!
So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonnayank your sac off like a paper towel.
Speaking of which,you're awfully nude.
- Rufus, is it?- Yes, Rufus it is.
It's usually Long Rufus, but it'sa little cold out here. You understand?
Big Papa, how about lending a brotheryour coat till I find my own threads?
Dude, he fell out of thin air.
Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbinginside of your armor.
- Dude!- Thanks a lot, baby.
I'll do my best to tuck it back.
It's been a while since physicsbut I would think...
the impact with which you hitthe asphalt would have liquefied you.
Death is a worry of the living.
The dead, like myself, only worryabout decay and necrophiliacs.
- Told you he was the undead.- Not the undead. The dead.
I died.
Christ told me the secretto the resurrection once.
We were at this wedding in Caanan.I got drunk and forgot it.
Wait, wait, wait.
You knew Christ?
Knew him?Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks.
Let me guess.
- You're another angel?- Oh, I ain't no angel.
I'm a man, just like you and him.Well, maybe not him.
At least I was a man.
Been dead nearly 2,000 years.Here, check this out.
No wonder he saw Jesus.Homey's rockin' the ganj.
It's not a joint.
I can't read this.
It's Aramaic. It says,"Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus."
Freaked me out because He basicallytold me when my number was up.
Took all the flavor out of theremaining years. We gotta get moving.
Let's say we continue this discussionover a two-piece and a biscuit. Come on.
I'm starvin'.Back off, Kato.
Wait a second!
Between guys with wings,guys falling out of the sky...
and guys trying like hellto fuck me...
I think I've been a pretty good sportabout all this so far.
But I'm not going anywhere untilI find out where the hell you came from.
Me? I came from Heaven.
Now let's start walkin'.
Walk? Fuck you! Do you knowhow far we are from anywheres?
Hey, man, back in the old dayswith J.C., we used to walk everywhere.
Did you ever hear ofa fat apostle?
What the hell's an apostle?
Let me get this straight.
She's already met the prophets...
and the apostle's with them?
I think that our best courseof action...
is to ensure that our parcelis not found.
And being that I can't eventrust you enough to kill a woman...
well, I'm left with no choice...
but to seek outside assistancein guarding said package.
I'm gonna have to summonthe Golgothan.
I appreciate the loan, brother.You can have that back.
Man, I remember when all we used to havefor breakfast was fish and goat's milk.
- What do you call this shit?- Egga Mooby Muffin.
Now, how 'bout you start explainingsome things, like for starters...
how did you knowwhere to find us?
Do you know what the dead dowith most of their time?
Watch the living.Especially in the shower.
I can't wait to die.
And why are you watching me?
Because you're the one who's gonnahelp me get some changes made...
in that bookyou put so much stock in.
- Hustler?- The Bible!
- What's your beef with the Bible?- For starters, I'm not in it.
Neither are any of us, but youdon't hear us bitchin' and moanin'.
But I'm supposed to be in it.I was the 13th Apostle.
I've gone to church my whole life andnever heard of Rufus, the 13th Apostle.
But you heard ofthe other 12 Apostles.
They were all white boys, I might add.But no mention of me, Rufus.
And why is that?'Cause I'm a black man.
But you know what?That's just my pet peeve.
I'm mainly here to correct a major erroryou've been basing your faith on.
- What's that?- Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black.
I don't buy it.
If that's true, why did He getwritten about and you were left out?
Well, He is the Son of God.
Kind of hard to havea New Testament without him.
So you fudge a few facts,you put a spin on his ethnicity.
Leaving me out is okay 'cause youstill got 12 white boys to choose from.
- Are you gonna listen to this shit?- That's what people of Antioch said...
right before they stoned my ass.
You were martyred?
That's one way of puttin' it.
Another way is to say I was bludgeonedto shit by big fucking rocks.
White folks only wanna hearthe good shit...
life eternal,a place in God's Heaven.
But as soon as you hearthat you're gettin' this good shit...
from a black Jesus, ya freak.
And that, my friends,is called hypocrisy.
A black man can steal your stereo,but he can't be your savior.
You gonna eat that hash brown?
So, you went to Heaven?
Damn right I went to Heaven!That's the least He could do.
In the three years I followed His assaround Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?
Hell no.And I was in my prime.
I could have been knee-deepin shepherds' daughters...
not to mention fine-assMary Magdalene.
She had a thing for dark meat,if you follow me.
Maybe this is just me talking,but if I were in Heaven...
I wouldn't care what the Bible saidas long as they got the message right.
The message is what counts.
But folks who build their faithon that message should be colorblind.
And all my rabble-rousingis not doing that much above.
So I'm gonna needsome help down here.
That's why I'm gonna help you stop thoseangels from gettin' into that church...
in exchange for you helping mewith my campaign.
How do you know about that,the angels?
- Isn't much I don't know about you.- I find that hard to believe.
When you were five, you let a kidfrom next door piss on your hand.
You did that shit?You're nasty.
I never told anybody about that.
Neither did he.
Two years later,that kid died of leukemia.
His name was Brian Johnson.
Your exploits,no matter how inane...
are well documented in Heaven.
Probably Hell too.
Where are you going?
Tell me somethin' about me.
You masturbate more than anyoneon the planet.
Fuck. Everyone knows that.Tell me something nobody knows.
When you do it,you're thinking about guys.
- Dude, not all the time.- Sorry if I scared you.
Two-thirds of me wants toforget about this and go home.
Yesterday, I wasn't sureGod even existed.
Now I'm up to my assin Christian mythology.
Let me let you inon a little inside info.
God hates it whenit's referred to as "mythology."
Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets"what we should call it instead.
Where did those two assholes go?
What are you doing?
Proving to this bastardI ain't gay.
- What?- Long story. Forget it.
We gotta get movin'.How can we get to Jersey?
We'll take the train.I'll call for reservations.
I thought she looked familiar.
- Who?- Serendipity.
Morning, shoppers.
Good morning.
- Has anyone seen the overnights?- No, sir.
We creamed 'em.
Last night was a rerun,which says to me...
Do I smell onions?
Excuse me.
May I ask what you're doingin my boardroom?
You may proceed, mon ami.
I'm gonna have to startby apologizing.
My friend has a bit of a penchantfor the dramatic.
Oh, come on!
Relax. I'm doing it.
Mooby, the Golden Calf.
Created by Nancy Goldruff,a former kindergarten teacher in 1989.
Bought by the Complex Corporationin 1991.
Broadcast nationallyas the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour."
Since its inception,has spawned two theatrical films...
and a libraryof priced-to-own videocassettes.
Not to mentionbicoastal theme parks...
dubbed "Mooby World."
Did I miss anything?
You forgot Mooby Magazine.
Damn it!
Is there a point to this?
You and your board are idolaters.
I can't believe you forgotthe magazine.
That's you.
Do you know much about voodoo?
That's a fascinating practice.No real doctrine of faith to speak of.
More an arrangementof superstitions...
the most well-known of which...
is the voodoo doll.
You see...
a mockup of an individualis subjected...
to various pokes and prods.
The desired result is thatthe individual will feel those effects.
Call security, now!
All lines are currently down.
- I'm gonna have to apologize...- Would you knock it off?
You're doing it again.Stop. What did we talk about?
You are responsiblefor raising an icon...
which draws worshipfrom the Lord.
You have brokenthe First Commandment.
More than that,I'm afraid not a one of you...
passes for a decent human being.
Your continued existenceis a mockery of morality.
Like you, Mr. Burton.
Last year, you cheated on your wifeof 17 years 8 times.
You even had sexwith her best friend...
while you were supposed to be homewatching the kids.
In the bed that youand your wife share, no less.
Mr. Newman.
You got your girlfriend drunkat last year's Christmas party...
and then paid a kidfrom the mail room...
to have sex with herwhile she was passed out...
just so you could break upwith her guilt-free...
when she sobbingly confessedin the morning.
She killed herselfthree months later.
Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.
Very compassionate.
Mr. Ray put his motherin a third-rate nursing home...
and used the profitsfrom the sale of her home...
to buy an Oriental rug for himself.
Mr. Barker flew to Thailandon the company account...
to have sexwith an eleven-year-old boy.
Mr. Holtzman okayed the productionof Mooby Dolls...
from materials he knewto be toxic and unsafe...
because it was... survey says...
less costly.
You, on the other hand...
are an innocent.
You lead a good life.
Good for you.
But you, Mr. Whitland...
you have more skeletonsin your closet...
than this assembled party.
I cannot even mention them aloud.
You're his father,you sick fuck!
- Good.- Not bad, man.
That's great work.Very good.
alone at last.
With the exception of Miss Pryce here...
there isn't a decent human beingamongst you.
Not one.
Do you know what makesa human being decent?
And therein lies the problem.
None of you has anythingleft to fear anymore.
You rest comfortably in seatsof inscrutable power...
hiding behind your false idol,far from judgment...
lives shrouded in secrecy,even from one another.
But not from God.
Forgot my little voodoo doll.
Man, it really looksjust like you, doesn't it?
Look, if I believed enough in this...
I wonder...
Come on.I don't believe in voodoo.
But I do believe in this.
Don't run! Don't run!
Fakes! Fakes!All of you, fakes!
"But I do believe in this."
What does that mean?
And one to grow on.
Go on. It's okay.
You've done nothing wrong.
These guys were fakes.
You're a pure soul.
But you didn't say "God bless you"when I sneezed.
You're getting off light.
- Loki!- I know. I'm comin'.
You're so lucky.
I forgot you were down here.How long now?
Three years this August.
Let me guess... the 14th Apostle, leftout of the Bible because she's a woman?
This girl's no woman.
Oh. Those weren't titsI saw Jay cozying up to?
What, these?
You should know better than anyone herethat tits don't make a woman.
Hell, the tubby, coat-wearingmotherfucker's got tits.
What traditionally defines a womanfalls between two things...
her legs.
But as you can see...
I lack definition.
Hey, they're gettin' a free show!Let me see that shit!
Oh, God,another angel like Metatron.
How do you...How does she know Metatron?
This is the last scion.
You're kidding.
I'm confused.
Bethany, Serendipity hereisn't technically an angel.
Nor is she, by any means,a human being like I was and you are.
- I used to be an abstract.- Now I'm really confused.
I'm a muse, stupid.
I can't take much more of this.
So you, what, inspire people?
What just went downwith your friends over there...
It doesn't really take a muse to inspirehorny retards to empty their wallets.
I used to specializein entertainment.
For example, I'm responsible for 19 ofthe 20 top-grossing films of all time.
- Nineteen?- Yeah.
The one about the kidby himself in his house...
burglars trying to come inand he fights them off...
I had nothing to dowith that one.
Somebody sold their soul to Satan to getthe grosses up on that piece of shit.
What are you doing stripping?
Remember why I left?
Because you were tired of gettingnone of the credit for your ideas.
So I opted to quit being a museand write for myself.
I gave my two weeks notice,got a body, 50 bucks...
and got sent out into the worldto make my fortune.
So what happened?
Writer's block.
Can you believe it?Me, a muse, for God's sake.
I can inspire anyone I meet and give outa zillion and nine ideas a second...
but I can't keep any for myself.
Her quirky sense of humor.
- Whose?- God's.
- You're saying God's a woman?- Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
He's always referred to as "Him."
That's not how I wrote it.
But one of the drawbacksto being intangible...
is that you have no sayin the editorial process.
The people that held the pensadded their own perspective...
and all the penholders were men.
So She became a He.Doesn't stop with God either.
The whole book's gender-biased.
A woman's responsiblefor original sin.
A woman cuts Samson coif of power.
A woman asks for the headof John the Baptist.
Read that book again.
Women are painted as bigger antagoniststhan the Egyptians and Romans combined.
It stinks.
Why is the last scion here?
Bartleby and Loki.They found a way back.
- Not the plenary indulgence loophole.- You know about that?
I always knew that thingwas a bad idea.
Leave it to the Catholicsto destroy existence.
You have issues with Catholicism,I take it?
I have issues with anyone who treats Godlike a burden instead of a blessing...
like some Catholics.
You people don't celebrate your faith,you mourn it.
- If we're wrong, what religion is right?- It's not about who's right or wrong.
No denomination's nailed it yet...
because they're alltoo self-righteous to realize...
that it doesn't matter what you havefaith in, just that you have faith.
Your hearts are in the right place,but your brains gotta wake up.
They made me and Silent Bobpart of the gang.
Who fuckin' farted?
Not born.Shit into existence.
Sweet Christ,somebody wants you bad!
- What is that thing?- An excremental.
- The Golgothan.- A what?
A shit demon!
No man of woman born!
- Friend of yours?- Is this smelly fuck with us?
It came for Bethany!
Smoke that motherfuckerlike it ain't no thang!
I knew I's gonnawhack somebody today!
Get your fuckin' hand back.
Go! Go! Go!
Looks like we're in chargeof the gang now.
Over the bar!
- Where did that thing come from?- Ever heard of Golgotha?
The hill where Christwas crucified.
It wasn't just Christ.The Romans crucified everyone there.
Christ excluded, they were criminals...killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.
Whenever the crucified expired,their bodies lost muscle control...
spilling bowel and bladderin the process...
the result of whichis that walking pile of crap...
the Golgothan shit demon,Hell's chief assassin.
It's here for you, girlie.
- Bob, get down!- Matches! Matches!
- Hey, man.- How?
"Knocks strong odors out."
- Way to go, biggie.- Why would you ever carry this?
Whoever sent this might send more.
I suggest you take the princessand get as far away as possible.
I'll try to get somethingout of poopy boy here.
If he tells me something,I'll let you know.
Hello. We'd like two ticketsto New Jersey, please.
Jersey's sold out, sir.
- What?- There's one at the same time tomorrow.
Don't underestimate the staggeringdrawing power of the Garden State.
Show up two hours in advance.
Your hard-on for smitinghas prevented us from negotiating...
what ought to be the relatively simplematter of catching or staying on a bus.
Bus, schmuss.
Why should we fall victim to gravitywhen we can just as easily rise above?
- You mean fly?- We got wings, right?
Fuck, let's use 'em!
I wouldn't suggest that.
You see, kids...
you wouldn't want to look likea couple of fairies, now, would you?
How'd you get out of Hell?
I told them I was coming upon a routine possession.
I don't have much time. If they figureout my ruse, they'll come after me.
- What's with bringing us in here?- You two are inches from getting caught.
Going around killing people,about to uncase your wings.
Don't you know what's going on?
Well, we're going home.
Really. Are you so clueless as to thinkyou can just waltz back into Heaven?
- Why not?- Everybody is looking for you.
Both sides.Above and below.
Orders are to terminate youon sight.
- Really?- Why?
Because you're pissing people off,that's why.
Word is that God's pissed offat your presumption...
and I know Lucifer's pissed becauseyou assholes might make him look bad...
by succeedingwhere he's failed so many times.
- So they're just gonna kill us?- They're gonna try.
That's why you have to travelincognito.
Tone down your behavior.Stay off their respective radars.
Quit killing people.That's high profile.
- Oh, lighten up.- I can't believe they wanna kill us.
Oh, believe it, boys.
They've even got the last scionlooking for you.
- Really?- You're kidding.
This is huge. Your reentryis a thorn in a lot of sides.
They'll stop at nothingto prevent it.
In the meantime, I suggest you findan alternate mode of transportation.
If anything else comes up,I'll contact you.
Thank you, Azrael.You're a true friend.
I have to get back to the pitbefore they get suspicious.
And remember, incognito.
How you coping, kid?
It's weird.
Just when I thinkI have a handle on things...
something wholly unbelievablepresents itself.
Sometimes I wishI'd just stayed home.
You sound like the Man.
What's he like?
He likes to listen to people talk.
Christ loved to sit around the fire,listen to me and the other guys.
Whenever we were going onabout unimportant shit...
he always had a smileon his face.
His only real beef with mankind...
is the shit that gets carried outin His name.
Wars, bigotry, televangelism.
The big one, though,is the factioning of all the religions.
He said mankindgot it all wrong...
by taking a good ideaand building a belief structure on it.
You're saying having beliefsis a bad thing?
I just think it's betterto have ideas.
You can change an idea.Changing a belief is trickier.
People die for it.People kill for it.
The whole of existenceis in jeopardy right now...
because of the Catholic belief structureregarding this plenary indulgence shit.
Bartleby and Loki,whether they know it or not...
are exploiting that belief...
and if they're successful...
you, me, all of thisends in a heartbeat.
All over a belief.
I haven't seen the moron twinsin a while. How about you?
One time we were at the mall,we tied Tubby to the ceiling...
and he went flying through the air,fuckin' crashed through the wall.
It was fucked up.
You two aren't getting intoany trouble, are you?
We're just about to smoke a fattywith these two suave motherfuckers...
who just got on at the last stop...Larry and Barry.
So, Jay tells usyou're gonna sleep with him.
Hit this shit, man.It's good stuff.
Oh, fuck.
That's some bad shit, dude.
You hit that?
Yeah, you're bad, dude.
Bad shit.
Why are youheading to New Jersey?
It's just this thing I have to do.
We're going home.
Oh.Do you two live together?
Unfortunately, yes.
So, how long have you twobeen together?
A while.
He can be pretty flaky sometimes,but we have a lot in common.
How'd you meet?
We were stationed together.
See, that's beautiful.
Everybody's always up in armsabout this "out in the military" issue.
You know, there's all the macho bullshitabout it being "this man's army."
You two meet there, hook up...
You think we're lovers?No, no. We're not gay.
Oh, God.I'm sorry.
- I just assumed.- Do I come off as gay?
My ex-husband sort of screwed upmy relationship awareness barometer.
- You're divorced.- That's a nice way of putting it.
I call it being dumped.
I was...
dumped once.
Don't you just constantlyquestion your value?
Like, why was I so easyto cast aside?
And you wonder if the other partyis gonna come to their senses...
and call you back.
They always tell youit'll hurt less with time.
When actually...
it hurts more.
You know what we need?
What do we need?
We need drinks.
We need a lot of drinks.
You still go to church?
Every Sunday.
Does it do anything for you?
It gives me time to balancemy checkbook every week.
That's what I'm saying. People don'tgo to church to feel spiritual anymore.
They go to church and feel bored...
but they keep going every weekjust out of habit.
I am so buzzed.
When do you thinkyou lost your faith?
I remember the exact moment.
I was on the phone with my mother...
and she was trying to counsel methrough this...
this thing.
And when nothing she was sayingwas making me feel any better...
she said...
God has a plan."
I was... I was so angry with her.
I was like...
"What about my plans?"
- You know?- Mm-hmm.
I had plannedto have a family...
with my husband.
Wasn't that plangood enough for God?
Apparently not.
How about you?How'd you lose your faith?
A long time ago.
One day God just stopped listening.
I kept talking, but I got the distinctimpression He wasn't listening anymore.
How did you know She was listeningin the first place?
Well, I guess I don't.
I hate thoughts like that.
But, you know,they come to you with age.
'Cause when you're a kid you neverquestion the whole faith thing.
God's in Heaven, and He's...
She's always got her eye on you.
I'd give anythingto feel that way again.
Guess that's whyI got talked into this pilgrimage.
Where is this pilgrimage to?
- You wouldn't believe me if I told you.- Try me.
All right, but I warned you.
I'm going to this churchin New Jersey.
Kerwood Mandel to car three.Kerwood Mandel to car three.
See, I'm supposed to stopa couple of angels...
from going into the church.
They're trying...
They're tryingto get back into Heaven.
See, they got tossedout of Heaven...
years ago, right?
And if they get back in...
it proves God wrong...
and since God is infallible...
to prove Her wrong...
would, you know, unmake existence.
May I have your attention, please.
The dining car will be closingin five minutes. Thank you.
I feel so stupid...
just saying it.
The thing I don't get is...
how am I supposed to stopan angel?
Two, even!
I guess I'm supposed totalk them out of it or something.
Maybe you're supposed to kill them.
Oh, yeah, right.Kill them.
I mean, even if that were the case,which it's not...
how do you kill an angel, Barry?
I don't supposeit's much different from...
killing a human.
Where is everybody?I wake up and...
- The apostle.- Holy shit!
Rufus, I want you to meetmy new friend Barry.
Don't be such a show-off, Barry.
Take it easy, Bartleby.Just let her go.
- We can talk about this.- Bartleby?
After all this time, it comes downto slaughter by a meat puppet?
Get your fucking hands off me,you dickless son of a bitch!
Save it. Five minutes agoyou were aching to top me off.
Holy shit. The apostle.
I didn't come in you, Pete,I swear.
What are you doing here?
This woman has to stop two angelsfrom entering a church.
- Us?- No, two other fucking angels.
I'd say there's a pretty good chance.Rufus, we're to be liquidated?
You haven't thought aboutthe consequences of your reentry.
Consequences, schmonsequences.
We're going home,no matter whose pride it may hurt.
- It's not a matter of pride!- Loki, kill the girl.
What are you, high? I can't kill herif she hasn't done anything.
Fine.I'll kill her myself.
I fall asleepand everyone takes off?
- These guys are fuckin' flat-leavers.- Shut his mouth.
Oh, shit!
The door! The door!
Can't we talk about this?
Why don't I just get offat the next stop!
No ticket.
- The apostle is here.- I noticed.
- Then you know who she was, don't you?- The scion, I imagine!
Maybe we should rethinkthis whole thing.
I mean, you heard the guy.He said there are consequences.
And Azrael tells us we're marked?There's more to this than we thought of.
I was close.
You know? I was so closeto slitting that bitch's throat.
You know how I felt?Righteous.
Justified.Eager, even.
You all right?Your eyes are kinda...
My eyes are open.
For the first time I get it.
When that little innocent girllet her mission slip, I had an epiphany.
See, in the beginning it wasjust us and Him... angels and God.
Then He created humans.
Ours was designed to bea life of servitude and worship...
and bowing and scraping and adoration.
He gave them more than He ever gave us.He gave them a choice.
They choose to acknowledge Godor choose to ignore Him.
All this timewe've been down here...
I've felt the absenceof the Divine Presence...
and it's pained me,as I'm sure it must have pained you.
And why?Because of the way He made us.
Had we been given free will we couldchoose to ignore the pain, like they do.
But no, we're servants.
All I'm saying here is thatone of us might need a little nap.
Wake up! These humans have besmirchedeverything He's bestowed upon them.
They were given paradise;they threw it away.
They were given this planet;they destroyed it.
They were favored bestamong all His endeavors...
and some of themdon't even believe He exists!
And in spite of it all...
He has shown theminfinite fucking patience...
at every turn.
What about us?
I asked you once...
to lay down the swordbecause I felt sorry for them.
What was the result?
Our expulsion from paradise.
Where was Hisinfinite fucking patience then?
It's not right!It's not fair!
We've paid our debt!
Don't you think it's time?
Don't you think it's timewe went home?
And to do that, I think we may have todispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Wait. Wait, wait.Kill them?
You're talking about the last scion,for Christ's sake.
And what about Jay and Bob?Those guys were all right.
Don't.Don't, my friend.
Don't let your sympathiesget the best of you.
They did me once.
Scion or not...
she's just a human...
and by passing through that archour sins are forgiven.
No harm, no foul.
My God.I've heard a rant like this before.
What did you say?
- I've heard a rant like this before.- Don't you do that to me.
- You sound like the morning star.- You shut your fucking face!
You sound like Lucifer, man!You've fucking lost it!
You're not talking aboutgoing home, Bartleby.
You're talking aboutfucking war on God.
Well, fuck that.
I have seen what happens to the proudwhen they take on the Throne.
I'm going back to Wisconsin.
We're going home, Loki...
and no one, not you,not even the Almighty Himself...
is gonna make that otherwise.
Why couldn't we stay on the train?You threw those guys off.
Very basic strategy.
If your enemies know where you are,then don't be there.
Why are we enemies?
Well, I know I'd perceive the personsent to kill me as an enemy.
What does that mean? Since whenam I supposed to kill anybody?
I'm tiredof all this cryptic bullshit.
I'm physically and psychologicallyexhausted, Rufus...
and I'm ready to kick backand welcome the end of existence...
unless you come clean right now.
Why me?
Out of all the peopleon the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?
Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy.
You're told you're God's only son,but more than that, you're God.
How long do you think it would take tocome to grips with something that huge?
Maybe, say, 18 years?
In the Bible, Jesus suddenlygoes from age 12 to 30. 12 to 30.
Now, that's some pretty badstorytelling.
Where are the volumes of textdealing with the missing 18 years?
I'll tell you where.
They were offered up as a sacrificeto the god of ecumenical politics.
You make it sound likethere's some church conspiracy...
to cover up"the truth about Christ."
Oh, bullshit.
Any important materialabout Christ...
would give people a better understandingof the nature of God.
- Why would they leave any of it out?- Because it's tied in with His family.
- His mother and father.- His brothers and sisters.
Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters.Mary was a virgin.
Mary gave birth to Christ without havingknown a man's touch. This is true.
But she did have a husband.
Do you really think he would've stayedmarried to her for all those years...
if he wasn't gettin' laid?
The nature of God and the Virgin Birth,those are leaps of faith.
But to believe a married couple nevergot down, that's just plain gullibility.
The blood that flowsthrough your veins...
shares a chromosome or twoat the genetic level...
with the one you call Jesus.
Bethany, you are...
the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece...
of Jesus Christ.
So, that would make Bethanypart black?
I can't do this anymore.
Where you gonna go?You know what I'm saying is right.
- It's bullshit.- Bethany.
It's bullshit!
Let her go, man.
Give her time.
What the fuck do You want from me?
I fucking hate You!
I hate You.
He can't hear you, you know.
That's why we needed you.
Why didn't you tell me?
Would you...
Could you have believed me?
It was somethingyou had to come to gradually.
Only after everything you've seen...
everything you've heard...
could you possibly be ableto accept the truth.
I don't want this.
It's too big.
That's what Jesus said.
I had to tell Him.
You can imaginehow that hurt the Father...
not to be ableto tell the Son Himself...
because one word from His lips woulddestroy the boy's frail human form.
So I had to deliver the newsto a scared child...
who wanted nothing morethan to play with other children.
I had to tell this little boythat He was God's only son...
and it meant a life of persecutionand eventual crucifixion...
at the hands of the very peopleHe'd come to enlighten and redeem.
He begged me to take it all back.
As if I could.
He begged me to"make it all not true."
I'll let you in on something, Bethany,something I've never told anyone before.
If I had the power...
I would have.
It's unfair.
It's unfair to ask a childto shoulder that responsibility...
and to ask you to do the same now.
I sympathize. I do.
I wish I could take it all back.
But I can't.
is who you are.
Everything I am has been a lie?
Knowing what you now knowdoesn't mean you're not who you were.
You are...
Bethany Sloane.
No one can take that away from you,not even God.
All this means isa redefinition of that identity.
The incorporation of this new datainto who you are.
Be who you've always been.
be this as well...
from time to time.
Guess this meansno more cheating on my taxes.
To say the least.
Do you mind if we adjournto somewhere...
a tad more habitable...
and a bit warmer?
Fuck, I think this shitjust kicked in.
Weren't we just in the woods?What are we doing here now?
Going out in style.
- The voice.- The apostle.
Now, who's this motherfucker?
The voice of God.Show some respect.
Oh, the voice of God.Where's the rest of Him?
Funny you should mention that.We're not sure.
- What?- Didn't it ever occur to you...
that this Bartleby-Loki situation waswell within the sphere of His control?
Yes, but then why was she tapped?
You know those constitutionalsthat He likes to take?
I think we're beyond euphemismsat this point.
God's a skeeball fanatic.
The Lord has quite a fancy for the game.He's been playing it for years.
He assumes a human form once a monthand indulges.
Doesn't tell anyone where He's playing.He just goes away for a couple of hours.
And He always gives His free points awayto neighborhood children.
Isn't that sweet?
But She hasn't come backfrom one of these day trips?
No, "She" hasn't...
and we've been unable to locate "Her."
He could've been killed.Human form does have that drawback.
No, there's a different sortof foul play afoot, children.
Whomever has set the renegade angelson their path...
and is keeping themquite well hidden...
is also responsiblefor the Lord's whereabouts.
Were He to be killed in human form...
He'd have returnedimmediately to Heaven.
Someone knew enough...
to keep Him biologically alive...
but incapacitate Himin another fashion.
And as omnipotent as we are above...
I have to admit that we'remore or less lost without His presence.
We've looked everywhere for Him.
I tapped her because I thought we'd beable to smoke out whoever's behind this.
But whoever he is has been clever enoughto send some lackeys after you...
as opposed to showing upthemselves.
Could it be Lucifer?
Not Lucifer.
If he was, he'd have madehis move by now to conquer Heaven.
And I know he's not responsiblefor Bartleby and Loki...
because he's had just as much to loseby their return as anybody else.
What do we do now?
I say we get drunk,'cause I'm all out of ideas.
Why don't we just ask this guyto close the church?
I beg your pardon?
The guy in chargeof the church thing.
Cardinal Glick?
Maybe we can ask himto shut down the church.
If it's closed that day, those guyscan't get blessed or whatever, right?
Good Lord.
The little stoner's got a point.
Maybe we could talk this guy Glick intocancelling the rededication ceremony.
Are you saying you're back in,Ms. I-Don't-Think-I-Can-Do-This-Anymore?
I wouldn't want to let the family down,now would I?
the prophets finallylive up to their titles.
Mass attendance is atan all-time low in this country...
but if we can let 'em know theCatholic Church has a little panache...
we can win 'em back,even get some new ones.
Excuse me.
Fill them pews, people.
That's the key.Grab the little ones as well.
Hook 'em while they're young.
- Kinda like the tobacco industry.- Christ, if only we had their numbers.
We really appreciate you seeing usthis late in the day, Your Eminence.
My friends and I have been travelingall night in hope of talking to you...
about the St. Michael'srededication ceremony.
You looking to help out in some way?
We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
I beg your pardon.
There's gonna be a world of trouble iftomorrow's ceremony goes on as planned.
Are you pro-choice?
The trouble's not from us.
It's from these renegade angels that'vebeen stuck on Earth since the plagues.
These guys,they think they're renegade angels.
See, Padre, it goes down like this.
These guys think that by passing throughthat archway, they can go to Heaven.
You want me to call off the ceremonyfor that.
Who sent you?
We were sentby Him who is called I Am!
Cute. Really cute.
Playtime with the cardinal is over.
- Worked for Moses.- Stay out of this.
It's not a joke.
I'm telling you, man,this ceremony's a big mistake.
The Catholic Churchdoes not make mistakes.
Please! What about the Church'ssilent consent of the slave trade?
And its platform of noninvolvementduring the Holocaust?
All right, mistakes were made.
But one can hardly hold the currentincarnation of Holy Mother Church...
responsible for the oversights of old.
I'm a very important man with importantmatters that demand my attention...
so if you please...
- But tomorrow...- Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.
Do I make myself clear?
Neither you nor any other influenceshort of the hand of God Himself...
is gonna keep this thingfrom going off without a hitch.
I can see the headlines now...
if there were gonna be any.
"Existence Erased."
Don't worry about it.We evened the score.
Hand it over, Silent Bob.
What up.
You stole the cardinal's driver?
That's what he getsfor messin' with our girlfriend.
Cross-dressin' fuck.
That's sort of sweet.Thanks, guys.
What do we do nowabout Bartleby and Loki?
I guess we're gonnahave to try and kill 'em.
- You said they couldn't be killed.- Correction.
They won't be killed.
And just to ensure that,we're all gonna sit tight...
right here...
until those two idiotspass through that arch.
There's only one idiot here,Azrael...
and I'm looking right at him.
Just in time to join usfor a drink.
Hey.Where'd you come from?
- Where'd you come from?- Me?
And that's where I'm returning toin approximately, oh, one hour.
All right, Plato,sounds like you've had enough already.
- Let's go.- Oh, darn it!
Come on, barkeep, just one drink.One for the road, then I'm gone?
I was trying to find you to tell youI figured out who was behind all this.
Is that who I think it is?
- None other than.- Who is he?
All right, one drink.Then you're gone.
Give me a...
Holy Bartender.
Never heard of it.
He doesn't know how to makea Holy Bartender.
You do, don't you, Muse?
Well, I know how to makea Holy Bartender.
Get it?
Sweet Jesus, Azrael!Why?
Come on, Demon! Try that shiton somebody who's already dead!
Oh, Apostle, you maintainthat kind of an attitude...
and you and the barkeep won't bethe only corpses in the room.
The Christ bitch will join you.
Are you really that stupid?
You do know what's gonna happenif those two jerks enter that church.
I'm actually counting on it.
And if my calculationsare correct...
the pawns are moving into checkmateas we speak.
"Holy Bartender." I get it.That's a great one!
I'd also like to acknowledge this greatstate's governor, Elizabeth Dalton...
for coming this morning.
She's a Protestant, but we'renot gonna hold that against her.
Now, let me just tell you a little bitof history about this particular...
hundred-years-young house of God.
God's house?
God doesn't live here anymore.
He's grown wearyof your superficial faith.
He's turned a deaf earto your lip-service prayers.
- He has abandoned you, his favorites...- Sorry.
To the whim of judgment.
Hypocrites, charlatans...
prepare to taste God's wrath.
- Maybe we should just leave.- You wanted your body count. You got it.
This lot is rife with sin.We'll judge them all.
Officer McGhee.
All right, mouthpiece...
let's leave the nice cardinal aloneand go for a ride.
Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Is that so?
Ladies and gentlemen...
you have been judged as guilty ofviolations against our Almighty God...
and this very day...
I assure you you will allpay for your trespasses...
in blood.
- Wings. Now.- I'm feeling a little exposed here.
Do it!
- So he's a muse too?- Former muse.
He was kicked out.
Ever the fucking apple polisher.
Then what happened?
Yes, what?
Well, Lucifer just had to starthis little war for the throne.
Heaven became dividedinto two factions...
the faithful and the renegades.
Oh, the Ethereal Plainswere chaotic with battle.
Angel against angel.
And when it was all over,God cast the rebels into perdition.
But Azrael refused to fight.
He remained in the middle,waiting to see who came out victorious.
What are you,some kind of fuckin' chicken?
I was an artist...
I was inspiration!
A muse has no place in battle.
So after the fallenwere banished to Hell...
God turned on thosethat wouldn't fight...
and Azrael was sent downwith the demons...
something he considersa great injustice.
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me you never questionedthe judgment, Serendipity.
No.It never bothered me.
So you were an artist.
Big deal!
Elvis was an artist...
but that didn't stop him fromjoining the service in time of war.
That's why he is the king...
and you're a schmuck.
So all this is about revenge.
You're gonna unmake existencebecause you have a grudge against God?
After the first million years?No.
Escape from Hellbecame my all-consuming reason.
So I studied the religions and waitedfor my opportunity to present itself...
which it finally did...
in Catholicism.
Plenary indulgence.
But I couldn't exercise it.
Demons can't become human.
No, we can't transubstantiate.
But angels can.
Bartleby and Loki.
After that it was a simple matterof waiting for a church...
to celebrate their centennial...
and when that finally happened I sentthe pair an article laced with ideas.
An incantationI picked up in the pit...
kept them cloakedand off Heaven's radars.
And aside from the triplets hereand the Golgothan...
no soul in Hell had a clueas to what was going on.
But the Almightycould still putsch the whole deal...
so I dispatched Himin a fairly ingenious fashion.
Her. And how?
That's the only thingI couldn't figure out.
Oh, no, I've seenway too many Bond movies to know...
that you never revealall the details of your plan...
no matter how closeyou may think you are to winning.
The only "X" factor was the involvementof the last scion here.
But fat lot of good that did, right?I mean, here you all are.
Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Look, asshole, I don't knowif anyone explained the rules to you...
but if you succeed everything getsblinked out of existence, even you.
Human, have you ever been to Hell?
I think not.
I'd rather not existthan go back to that.
And if everyone has togo down with me, so be it.
Still thinking only about yourself...
you fucking child!
Now, now, now.
Things are gettingtoo intense in here.
Hey! What saywe watch a little TV?
Yo, put on channel 9.Davey and Goliath.
Actually, I was thinkingmore along the lines of current events.
Keep rolling! Keep rolling!
I repeat,men with huge fucking wings...
have laid waste to St. Michael's!
Bullets don't seem to affect them!
The remainder of the crowdhave dropped to their knees...
identifying thisas the fabled apocalypse.
Now, I'm not a man of faith,but I'm inclined to agree.
Oh, God, please, don't come any closer!God, no!
You see that?And I told them to keep a low profile.
I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutesit's not going to matter anyway.
Oh, now what was thatall about?
Oh, nothing.
I had something in my eye.
Now who's the fucking child?
What did you tell him,to hit me with the golf club?
Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon.You'd have him assault me with a putter?
You want to play?Then we'll play.
One side, Red.
Go ahead, then.Pick it up.
Call it a gift.
Come on.
That's it.
Take a shot.
Take your best fucking shot.
Seriously. I'm not kidding.Take it. Come on.
Come on, bright boy.
Don't you know anything?
Bethany, bless the sink!
- What?- Just do it!
Bless the sink, damn it!
That's what you get,motherfucker.
But I'm a fucking demon.
What just happened?
He said it himself:"I'm a fucking demon."
Hit a demon with an instrument of God,the pure side so it'll do some damage.
Silent Bob's an instrument of God?
No, but Glick's the kind of assholewho'd bless his clubs for a better game.
- But the sink?- You've got the divine heritage.
Sanctifying is justone of the fringe benefits.
Remind me to try the water-to-wine thingat my next party.
- How far away is this church?- Three towns over, about ten miles.
- Rufus, grab the gun.- Ten steps ahead of you.
Take the bartender's car.He won't need it.
The whole fucking world's against us,dude, I swear to God.
Oh, my God.
And people wonder whyI don't go to church anymore.
Are we too late?
To save these poor schmucks?
But we still exist.
Where are they?
They could already bein the church.
Which means if they come out,nobody touches them.
Are you shitting me?
The brother here is gonna shred 'em withhis angel-be-good special. Huh, homey?
If they pass through that arch,they come out clean.
And if they die,they go straight up.
And hello!We know what happens then, right?
- Why don't they just kill themselves?- It's a mortal sin.
Die with a mortal sin on your soul andyou burn. They don't want to go to hell.
Then what, are we supposed to just waitfor a solution to fall from the sky?
Friend of yours?
No, that was a cardinal.
You can't tell from his face,but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
It's one of them!Kill that motherfucker!
Don't you listen?
- We can't touch him!- I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass.
He's been at it for a while now.
Please! Please!
We ran out of parishioners...
so he just started picking up folkoff the road and just dropping 'em.
This is just eons of repressiongetting purged.
If only they'd let us jerk off.
Whoops.Take a step back.
Let me go!
Why?What are you trying to prove?
- All these people!- Hey, this wasn't my idea!
Jesus Christ!
I just wanted to go home.
But him, you know...
he just lost it.
He realized who you wereand what you were gonna have to do.
He just snapped.
The funny thing is, this guycould never even stand to see me work.
He said he felt sorryfor you people.
Now look at him.
This guy's fuckin' drunker than hell.
Which means he's human now.
His wings have been cut off.
The muse?
Oh, no way!
I haven't seen you...You look terrific. Wow!
What's with the tits?Can I...
Have you walkedthrough the arch yet?
Tell me. Have you gone inand come out through the archway yet?
He's back.
We were awaiting your arrival.
Bartleby, wait. Stop.Listen to me.
You can't go through with this.Azrael was just using you.
If you go back...
I've become aware of the repercussions.I know what I'm doing.
You sick, twisted fuck!
You, of all people, should understandwhat I'm trying to accomplish here.
You too know what it feels liketo be cast aside.
But you've only dealt with the paina few years.
I've dealt with it for a millennia.
While you never see your ex-husband orhow blissful he is with his new wife...
and he is...
seeing you people every day on thisperfect world He created for you...
is a constant reminder...
that though my kind came first...
your kind was most revered.
And while you know forgiveness...
we know only regret.
The lesson must be taught.
All are accountable...
even God.
Soon a cadre of police will arrive...
just in time to kill usas we exit the church.
Then this failed experimentcalled existence...
will cease to be.
No. Hey. Hey!
I can't let you do that,Bartleby.
This has gone too far.
I might have to take you down.
It's okay. Shh.
I'll do it.
My compatriot.
Genocide takes a lot out of him.
He's weakened.
You're weak.
More importantly,he's also a human being...
a condition which carriestwo liabilities...
a conscience...
a short life span.
I'm sorry, old friend,but you lost the faith.
He's lost it.We're fucked.
- We're absolutely fucked!- I hear that shit.
I can't believe this.
We're on the brink of nonexistence,and God's still nowhere to be found.
- What kind of deity gets kidnapped?- Amen to that.
What the hell are you doing?
If the whole world's gonna end,you said you'd fuck me.
- You're a pig.- Nobody's gonna beat that thing.
We can lay here all comatose like thatJohn Doe Jersey bastard over there...
- or we can get makin' with the love.- What did you say?
Make with the love.It's a nice way of saying boning.
No, about John Doe Jersey.
That guy, the one they won't takeoff life support... John Doe Jersey.
This is where he's at...St. Michael's Hospital.
Where's the nearest boardwalk?
I ain't got time to win you a prize.We gotta get to the fucking.
- Where is it?- Asbury Park, about five miles away.
- Have you ever been there?- Once, with this chick.
We were about to fuck on the carouseland I got sick, started puking.
- Do they have skeeball there?- Yeah.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Whatever you do, stall Bartlebyfrom going into that church.
Bob, come with me.Come on!
- How am I supposed to do that?- Think of something!
I already did,but it takes two of us!
I repeat, this is not a drill.
This is the apocalypse.
Please exit the hospitalin an orderly fashion.
Thank you.
Hey, Big Bird!
Ready for the counting game?
Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck.
No more bullets.
Now, what the fuckwould you do that for?
Angels have to cut their wings offto become human.
You just did him a favor,stupid!
I hope you're the skeeball type.
Oh, Bartleby.
Was Wisconsin really that bad?
Bow down, stupid!
I'm sorry.
Anyone who isn't deador from another plane of existence...
would do well to cover their earsright about now.
What the fuck?
Thank you.
It never ends!
Get off of me.I wanna see what's up.
What the fuck is this shit?
Who the fuck are you, lady?
Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Quite a little mouth on him,isn't there?
What the fuck is this, The Piano?Why ain't this broad talkin'?
I believe the answers that you seeklie within my companion's eyes.
What the fuck does that mean?Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts?
What the fuck happenedto that guy's head?
Where was she?
Imprisoned in a body.
Bethany figured it all out.She's a clever girl, that one.
Hang on a minute.
You missed a bit.
Well, then, you readyto go back, apostle?
You ready to make some of thosechanges I been talking about?
We'll see.
Seeing as how youjust had to get involved...
you're welcometo return with us as well.
First I gotta say good-bye to Bethany.Where is she?
Oh, no.
Metatron, is she...
Afraid so.
One of the drawbacks to being a martyris that you have to die.
But no matter.
All is being taken care of.
How so?
Wax on, wax off.
How did I...
She can rebuild you.
She has the technology.
She can make you better,stronger, faster.
A very relieved deity.
You did well, little girl.I knew you'd come 'round.
Your kind always does.
You might want totake good care of yourself.
We're gonna need you down the road.
I know.I'm the last scion.
Well, you're half right.
You were the last scion.
But now...
is the last scion.
I'm pregnant?
Can't put anything past you.
Take care of that parcel for us.
She has a world of workahead of her.
Thank you for...
I don't know...
God, there's a million thingsI wish I could ask you...
most of it questioning your great plan,and that'd be arrogant of me, I know.
But there is one I need to ask.
I'm sure you get it all the time, buthow many chances like this will I get?
Why are we here?
Didn't I tell you she was funny?
I really enjoyed meeting you.
It was an honor.
You did so well.
I told you She was a woman.
She's not really a woman.
She's not really anything.
She's something, all right.
Crisis of faith over?
I think I'm now burdenedwith an overabundance.
When it rains, it pours.
Are you saying you believe?
But I have a good idea.
The Man was right about you.
Now I'm gonna go homeand tell Him so.
And if you clean up your language...
I just might put ina good word for you too.
Why don't you name the kidafter me?
Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.
Youse guyswanna hear something sick?
I got half a stalkwhen she kissed me.
I couldn't help it.The bitch was hot.
You can't talk to me that way anymore.I'm gonna be somebody's mother.
You're pregnant?
You know, when you're pregnant you canhave sex until the third trimester.
I'll keep that in mind.
So, that would make Bethanypart black?