Donald Trump's The Art of the Deal: The Movie (2016) Movie Script
- Hi, I'm Ron Howard,
and you can probably guess
that I love film. From silent
picture masterpieces to
action films of the present
day to the one we'll
be watching tonight:
The Art of the Deal.
Thought to be lost in
the Cybill Shepherd blouse fire
of 1989, the Art of the Deal
is a TV movie,
based on the bestselling
Donald Trump autobiography
of the same name.
In fact, it was written,
directed, and stars
Donald Trump himself.
But the Art of the Deal
was almost never seen.
It was preempted
by Monday Night Football
in 1988. Crappy game too.
Colts versus Browns.
Every score was a safety.
Browns won 4 to 2.
Trump was furious,
and vowed never to air
his masterpiece.
It disappeared for decades
until last summer
when it turned up at a yard sale
outside Phoenix, Arizona.
I had to physically
wrestle it from
a nice woman named Jenny.
Much stronger than she looked.
Very persistent.
I'm not proud
of what happened,
but what's done is done.
It's mine now.
So tonight, this classic
portrait of a New York
real estate mogul
at the height of his reign,
made by the man himself,
will be shown in its entirety
for the very
first time.
Ladies and gentleman,
The Art of the Deal.
Trump: On my 10th birthday,
I saw something
that changed my life.
A picture of a kid standing
in front of the Taj Mahal.
It was gorgeous.
It was huge.
And it was easily the classiest
thing ever built by a Muslim.
So I vowed that day
to buy my own Taj Mahal.
And 30 years later,
I got my chance.
This one was even classier
because it was a casino.
And it was in a place way
more beautiful than India,
New Jersey.
It was the Taj Mahal Casino
in Atlantic City,
but it was owned
by the notorious
tight-ass Merv Griffin.
So getting it would take more
than my normal deal-making,
genius super powers.
It would take
the art of the deal.
This is that story,
in movie form,
based on my
bestselling book, which was
in bestselling book form.
This is "The Art of the Deal."
Okay?
Man:
The Art of the Deal
Some guys write poems
with beautiful words
Some guys sing songs
about flowers and birds
But that ain't
who I am
That kind'a
crap ain't me
Ooh, no
Some guys do sculptures
in plastic and steel
Some losers paint paintings,
abstract and surreal
But I don't get it
That kind
of crap ain't me
Can't you see
Oh
The only art
I've ever been able to feel
Is the only art
that matters
The Art of the Deal
- Hey!
Put down that bestselling book!
Damn.
Trump:
That is a hell of a book.
- Kid, I lived it.
And then, of course,
I took credit for writing it.
- Holy cowabunga.
You're Donald Trump.
- That is my name and you
cannot wear it out, trust me.
You must really want this book.
- All the stores are sold out.
- Do you know that this
is the second bestselling book
of all time,
after the Bible,
which took 12 guys to write?
And you know what,
it's boring, very boring.
Woman: Mr. Trump,
I've got Merv Griffin
on the line for you.
- Merv Griffin.
Why did you not say so, Deborah?
Woman: It's Gloria.
- Deborah!
Boy: The Merv Griffin,
the singer, the actor,
the creator of "Wheel of
Fortune" and "Jeopardy!"?
- Merv Griffin owns
the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.
Now, this is a place
I have dreamt
about owning since
before I had orange pubic hair.
A chance at immortality.
But I can't let him know
how much I want it
because then he'll
have all the leverage.
You see what I'm saying?
That is Trump Card
Element of the Deal number 1.
Use your leverage.
- Put him through!
- Gloria: I already did.
You're on speaker.
Griffin: Aloha, Donald.
I'm wearing a headset, so
I don't have to hold anything.
What a world.
Trump: Well, that's good.
You know why?
Because I wanted you
to hear all that.
- Well, that's good
because I did.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Did you know that Shah Jahan
built the Taj Mahal
as a tomb for his third wife
when he was 40 years old?
Now, I am 40 today,
and I don't have a thing
to bury my wife in.
- It's not like you
to get emotional
about business, Donald.
Trump:
I want the Taj Mahal.
This is not just
a deal for a casino, Merv.
It's a deal for my soul.
- Sounds like
this is your Rosebud.
- Rosebud,
from from "Citizen Kane."
- I don't follow.
- It's a classic movie
about a megalomaniac
who runs for office and ends
up destroying everyone
around him, just to
regain a piece of his soul
that was taken away
from him in childhood.
This is like a snooze.
I'm going to fall asleep.
- You should really watch it.
- I'd rather swallow
a bag of hair, Merv.
- Didn't you want
to make a deal?
Trump: Oh, yeah.
You know, speaking of which, I
heard that "Let's Make a Deal"
is killing "Wheel
of Fortune" in the ratings.
- That son of a bitch Nielsen.
He's had it out for me
ever since I beat him
at tennis in '49.
Well, he's not
getting a rematch,
and you're not getting
the Taj Mahal, Trump.
- Merv!
- I'd rather sell it to a group
of Japanese business robots.
- Don't you say that.
- I'd rather sell it
to an A-rab.
So Allahu Akbar, Donald.
And good luck with your soul.
- I want the Taj Mahal!
I want
the Taj Mahal!
Gloria: Just a reminder
that you're meeting
with the Genovese family
about that cement shipment
tomorrow at 9:00,
Robert Durst called and said,
he put the thing in the thing.
He said you'd know
what he means.
That actress
in "Maximum Overdrive"
is named Marla Maples.
You've got that cryogenics
appointment at noon,
and you are no longer
a registered Democrat.
Gloria: Yes, sir.
No one
called about my birthday?
Gloria: No, Mr. Trump.
Gloria: No. Nothing.
Come on.
He always gives me
those Isotoners.
Gloria: Sorry, sir.
- Boy, that's sad.
- That is not sad.
I am too busy to be sad, kid.
Let me tell you who I've
talked to so far this week, OK?
Lee Iacocca, listen,
we are both rich white men.
Why don't we buy some condos
in Fort Lauderdale?
Tell Mayor Ed Koch that
he's a scum-sucking fuck-pig,
and I'm going to shove
this building so far
up his fucking Jewish ass,
he will be shitting I-beams!
All right. Thanks, Dad.
Love you.
I want my daughter to grow
up and be someone that I
would totally
have sex with.
Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down this wall.
I can build you
a much nicer one.
It's called real estate,
not fake estate.
You're supposed to
avoid the Noid, a-hole.
If he's stuck in quicksand,
Junior, he's a goner.
Sue them, Jerry.
Konichiwa, sensei.
Sue them!
Merv, you have got to change
your mind about the Taj Mahal.
I mean, but don't change
it too soon because we
need that tension in the plot.
All right.
Larry, stop the montage.
Successful people are
always on the phone,
even if there's
no one on the other end.
It's another gem
from my book, by the way.
Get the word out.
I first started
to master the art of the deal
back in 1966, when I was
at Wharton Business School.
So while other kids were
busy smoking reefers
and contracting herpes
in Saigon,
I was studying
foreclosure notices
so that I could be a real estate
mogul, just like my dad.
- My dad died in Vietnam.
He was a hero.
- I would say it's a little bit
more heroic not to get killed.
I had my own Vietnam.
I had to start up
with nothing but the shirt
on my back and
a small million-dollar loan
from my father.
- How awful.
- Do you know that it was barely
enough to buy a nice building
on Central Park South?
Can you believe it?
I wanted to demolish
it, but the...you know,
the tenants were
rent controlled.
- Rent-controlled apartments
on Central Park South?
What a bunch
of wealthy freeloaders.
- I had to get rid
of them somehow.
Otherwise, I would never be
able to tear
that ugly building down.
Chapter One:
The art intimidating
rent controlled tenants.
That is when I literally
bumped into my stinky answer.
Could you go and be
homeless somewhere else?
Don't touch my food.
- You'll never get
the Taj Mahal.
- I said, help a brother out,
will you?
Trump: I had a sensational
idea to move
some of
those dirty homeless in,
to scare those
rent control crybabies out.
- I got an idea.
I think you could help me out.
- Whoa.
Is that a hundred
- You're goddamn right it's
a hundred-dollar bill.
- Wow. Wow.
- Do you like, uh,
pissing indoors?
How would you like
to piss indoors
for $100
in Central Park South?
- Truth be told, a lot of
it's going to be blood.
- Nice to know.
Always nice to know.
So you're prepared.
Boy: So you
paid the homeless people
to piss and poop
in your building
to make the tenants leave?
Trump: I wanted to.
But the city wouldn't let me.
- All's you were trying
to do was help.
Trump: No kidding.
Everyone was out to get me.
Chapter Two:
The art defeating
totally bogus
discrimination lawsuits.
Okay?
Mayor Koch,
you gotta be kidding me.
I, Donald J. Trump, am being
sued for discriminating
against minorities?
- It's all part of my liberal
agenda there, Donald.
- I love minorities!
They're exotic.
They're sensual,
especially the Asians.
- It's not the Asians.
They're my absolute favorites.
Come on. They go to brises
just for fun sometimes.
Look at this.
This says, "I had fun at
Josh Lowenstein's Bar Mitzvah."
And I truly did.
It was sensational.
The gefilte fish
- Well, I think we were talking
about the African-Americans
you won't rent to, Donald.
That is the problem.
- Look, Koch.
New York should be
a place where everyone
no matter their race,
religion, creed, color,
can be priced out of
their own neighborhood.
Not this hellhole
where the wealthy elite
live
in fear of rent control.
- I'm just a stupid politician.
I don't have
your intellectual prowess.
Now, you know what?
Maybe a savvy
businessman one day
is going to be mayor
of this beautiful city,
President
of the United States even.
But until that happens,
I am going to make sure
you don't succeed.
- Let me tell you something.
Your episode
of "SNL" sucked.
Sucked.
- I'm gonna watch it on tape.
- I could do much better!
Donald J. Trump
could do much better.
I don't judge a person based
on the color of their skin
or their tendency towards rape,
or even the color
they dye their hair.
I mean, I judge
them based on how
they affect property value.
- I don't understand.
- Do you see this thing
taking my measurements?
She has what you
call "curb appeal."
Any tenant would be pleased to
see her outside his building,
trust me.
- OK.
- Get the inseam again.
So by day,
it was me against the city.
But by night,
it was me and the city.
Cue the montage, Larry!
The streets of New York
were my playground,
but my office was
the most exclusive nightclub
on the planet, Le Club.
It's where powerful white men
wined and dined
to get things done.
But because I was such
a notorious rutting stag,
they only let me
join under one condition.
Promise me
that you won't sleep
with any of the other club
members' wives.
- What you talkin' 'bout,
club boss?
"Different Strokes."
"Different Strokes."
Great show.
- If I owned that building,
I would never
have allowed that rich white man
to adopt those black children.
- Of course not.
Donald--
- The members
of the club are nervous.
- About you.
They can't compete with someone
so young and good-looking,
smart, charming as you.
I'm not done.
Dynamite hair, cool teeth,
sweet breath.
- Big, hairy dick.
I'm not done.
Awesome name Trump.
Smart blue blazer.
- Mm.
- Cool pin and tie.
Killer brows.
The whole shebang.
So what do you say?
No sleeping with
other people's wives.
- Deal.
- Let's celebrate
with a couple martinis.
Sheila!
- No, I don't drink drinks.
I only drink women, sexually.
And I don't let
my lips touch the glass,
if you know what I mean.
- I'm not sure that I do.
I digressed.
Terribly sorry about that.
Excuse me.
I noticed you from
across the room, okay.
Roy Cohn, right-hand man
to Senator Eugene McCarthy,
who sold
out his fellow Americans
during the Communist
witch hunt of the 1950s.
That Roy Cohn?
- That's me.
Trump: Roy Cohn
was just the kind of savage
I needed to help me beat
those discrimination charges.
He was a real straight-shooter,
I mean, emphasis on "straight."
- I just want tenants
who pay their rent
and don't play all that
stuff that will eventually
be called "rap music."
Roy mutilated
the government's case, okay.
And we never had to admit
that we refused to rent
to black people.
That felt great.
Which is another Trump Card
Element of the Deal, fight back.
Which we did.
And that was all thanks to
Roy Cohn, saint of a man.
- He died of AIDS alone,
unloved, and terrified.
- And thank God for AIDS.
Otherwise I wouldn't
be your attorney.
- Kid, Jerry Schrager,
one of the top Jew
real estate lawyers
in all of New York City.
- This guy's, I mean, he's an
absolute Jewish animal when it
comes to making deals
for his top client,
me, who's not Jewish--
-That's right.
- He will bite off your pecker.
Won't you, Jerry?
Yeah, well,
it's a tough business.
- Show him your teeth, Jerry.
- Show the kid
your cock-chompers!
Show him you'll bite
someone's pecker off.
- Oh, Mr. Trump,
that's OK.
- No, it's important.
Jerry, go ahead, and be
realistic about it. Come on.
- Growl a little.
Get into it.
All right.
Don't, don't eat it.
- I'm trying
to make a point.
Kid, grab
a wastebasket, please.
Give me that scumbag
that cleans shit up in here.
- Oh, God.
- We need to talk about
your testimony for tomorrow's
court appearance.
Just bite their peckers off,
Jerry, like you always do.
Excuse me.
- That's a hell of a guy right
there, and a fantastic client.
We're suing currently
3,721 people or entities.
Let me take you through
them in painstaking detail.
Ohh.
Fuck it.
Happy birthday, Donald Trump.
You're a winner.
- You'll never get
the Taj Mahal.
- No. No.
I am not a loser.
I'm a winner.
- Whoa! No!
I don't want to be a loser.
I want to be a winner.
A Winner. A winner.
That was very emotional.
I mean, almost vulnerable.
I think I just had
an Oscar moment.
I have got to get
the Taj Mahal.
- And of course, we're suing
Ms. Reynolds' second grade class
for copyright infringement.
- Best shit of my life.
No problem there.
I mean, I shit easily.
World class Trump dump.
- I was just telling
the kid here about the art
of suing people.
- It just seems like
whoever has the most money
and the most Jewish lawyers
has an unfair advantage.
- Exactly.
- See, now you're
getting it, kid.
You know, suing someone,
that's the most beautiful thing
one human being can do to
another human being.
- You don't look convinced.
Doris, get me the Fat Boys.
Oh, you've heard of them?
- I love them.
- Yo, Mr. Trump.
What's up?
- Hey, Mr. Trump.
Hey, white kid.
- Fat Boys, I brought
you here to give us
one of your fabulous
and sensational raps.
- Yes, sir.
- It's all we got.
- When you
got a little problem
And you can't work it out
with a banker, a tenant
Or even a spouse
There's just one place
that you should go
Where the floors are marble
and the halls are hallowed
- Chump does you wrong, and
you want to tell the world
Or you seek damages
that you deserve
There's just one thing
that you have to do
S-U-E, homeboy
Sue sue sue
- Tort laws,
affidavits, Chapter 13
These are just a few
of our favorite things
So don't smear our name or
break your contract
Or you'll find yourself
in court just like that
- Lawsuit
- Lawsuit
- Lawsuit Rap
- Lawsuit
- Lawsuit
Lawsuit Rap
Lawsuit, Lawsuit
Lawsuit Rap
Lawsuit, Lawsuit,
Lawsuit Rap
- You know, seeing you
and the Fat Boys rapping
like that reminds me of the
biggest lawsuit you ever had.
Trump: Oh, you mean the...
- Yeah.
I'm talking about
a little organization called...
The NFL.
- That's right.
- Chapter Three: The art
suing those losers at the NFL.
Jerry: A few years ago,
Mr. Trump a bunch
of money lying around,
so he brought a team in the
United States Football League
called the New Jersey Generals.
They almost got
Lawrence Taylor,
but he slipped in cocaine
and hit his head
and forgot
to sign the contract.
Trump: See, I wanted to take on
the NFL, helmet to helmet-hair.
And they were not
happy about it,
okay, because of course,
they're losers.
Gloria: I've got that fat slob
Pete Rozelle on the line.
- Morning, Pete.
Still as inept as ever I hope.
- I trust you've given up
on your silly fantasy
of moving the USFL season
from the spring to the fall.
- Not only have I not given up,
I am challenging
the NFL head on.
I just need to get
the TV rights to do it.
- Well, you will never get them.
We own the networks--
ABC, CBS, NBC.
You're making
a big mistake here, Trump.
- Actually, I'm making
the opposite of a mistake.
It's a good-stake.
I'll see you in court.
Trump: So I sued the NFL
for breaking antitrust laws.
- Your witness, Mr. Trump.
Ladies and gentlemen of
the jury, your honor, Spuds.
Mr. Rozelle,
isn't it true that you
pledged to, quote, "destroy the
United States Football League,"
which is a league
that people love?
Trump: Whereas as I was
well-spoken and handsome,
Rozelle was
a fat, sweaty turd,
who literally barfed on
himself in the middle of court.
I mean, who does that?
But none of us were prepared
for what happened next.
- We, the jury,
find the defendant,
the National Football League...
What happened?
I'm sorry.
I get emotional
telling this story.
It's just one
of my few weaknesses.
- I love justice.
- And that's rare these days.
- Speaking of rare,
this is a prototype
for a new line of Trump Steaks.
This is the finest meat
anywhere since Kelly McGillis
from "Top Gun."
Try some.
Salsa,
on an American steak?
- Whoa, whoa. Easy, kid.
- Jos.
- It's not working
out with this kid.
Let's go to a commercial.
Male Voiceover: Trump the Game.
- So was the NFL violating
antitrust laws?
- We, the jury,
find the defendant,
the National Football League...
guilty.
They are absolutely
100% guilty.
- I happen to totally agree.
And what have you decided to
award the plaintiff in damages?
- We award damages
in the amount of $1.
Trump: It was a symbolic gesture
and a slap in the face.
Jerry: It was no big
whoop to Mr. Trump.
He's a billionaire.
No, the real victims were
those poor, dumb fans
with nothing else to live for.
- Oh, my aching foots.
Ivana, my darling, don't
talk about your aching foots.
Kid, the love of
my life.
My wife, the Czechoslovakian
immigrant, Ivana Trump.
- Not hardly.
Sir Donald has me working
all the day at the casino.
- What she's talking about
is the most elegant,
sensational Trump Castle
in Atlantic City.
- She runs it.
- Oh, yes.
I...
- Taj Mahal is still the
ultimate dream, of course.
-Yes, it is a building
more beautiful
than anything or anyone.
- That is correct.
- Yes, I know.
He make me dress up as
the Taj Mahal sometimes.
It's very heavy.
I broke
my clavicle once.
- Obviously, Ivana's jealous
because she won't be
buried in the Taj Mahal
since she's not my third wife.
- But you know,
being entombed forever
in Trump Castle,
not so bad.
- It actually
used to be a Hilton.
- One of
my all-time great deals.
You see that?
Tony,
zoom in on the model, OK?
Look, me and the model.
Can you see it?
Look, look.
Huh
No. Stop.
Deal with your foots.
Trump: Chapter Four:
The art buying a casino
from the Hilton family.
The Hilton family tried to
get into the casino business,
but they were too stupid,
and the whole thing fell apart.
So I flew out to California
to meet with the heir
to the Hilton fortune,
Barron Hilton.
He had what I call lucky sperm.
OK, he was born wealthy
and had everything
handed to him by his daddy.
The guy was a total loser.
Don't tell him I said that.
- So what brings you here,
old chap?
- Well, I heard the bad news
about the gambling license,
and I wanted to send
my condolences because really,
that blows.
- Yes.
The whole thing was
a ghastly mess.
- Atlantic City is
a very political city,
and they don't really
trust foreigners.
- You're absolutely right.
But, uh,
lucky for me, of course,
I was born and raised
in the United States.
Dallas, Texas, in fact.
Because I detect an accent.
An accent?
No, you're talking
bollocks, mate.
- You see, that's what I mean.
Americans don't say bollocks.
- I'd say if anyone's got
an accent here, mate, it's you.
See, you've got one
of those accents
like one of those old-timey
New York ruffians.
Say, um, "I'd hate to see
your mother have an accident."
- I would hate to see
your mother have an accident.
- There.
Right there. Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Yeah. Scary
- Listen, enough of
the rumpy pumpy, okay?
Let's just get down
to straight old business.
If you ever decide you want to
sell that big, honking casino
of yours, you call me.
- I will, sir.
- Donald Trump.
- Ya'll come back
sometime, you hear?
- And I got the place
for $320 million.
Again, with
someone else's money.
Now that is another Trump
Card Element of the Deal.
Know your market.
- Anyway, as I was saying...
- You weren't saying anything.
Shut up.
- I was.
- I put Ivana in charge.
Do you know why?
Because she's more
than just a pretty face and,
you know, obviously,
the glorious set of yabbos.
Huh, baby?
- Right. Yes.
So this...
- No, stop.
N-No, it doesn't mean talk.
- But...
- You know, she also gave me
my three beautiful children?
Did you not, darling?
Did you not?
- I did, 100%.
- You did.
- Yes, I never forget
- Witnessing the birth
of my first child
was like one of the top 15
moments of my life, easily.
- OK, so I...
- Shush!
- I will be quiet.
- And I gotta compliment
Ivana, you know,
because she really kept things
relatively tight downstairs.
Because childbirth can be
brutal on the private parts
of a woman.
I'm known as a great
negotiator, but in this case,
Ivana's got
the best deal of all.
Don't you, baby?
- Ooh.
- Me.
Trump: Chapter Five:
The art of marrying
a gorgeous immigrant.
It was
a very classy wedding, OK?
Ivana looked
like a very classy angel.
I had on a very classy
licensed Trump suit.
Great cut.
My junk looked huge.
- You may kiss your gorgeous
groom, you lucky bride.
- And my best man gave one
of the classiest speeches ever,
including ancient Roman times.
- Attention.
For those of you wondering,
yes, it is really me.
And, no, I don't know
where your cat is.
All right. All right.
Settle down.
In all seriousness,
I'd like to talk a little bit
about the Donald.
We all know he's a style icon.
He stole my haircut.
Yeah. He's a ladies' man,
a real estate mogul,
who never discriminates against
tenants based on their race.
But he's more than that,
a lot more.
And I want you to know
I might be hot now,
but before I got "Alf,"
I was a destructive mess.
I was a ticking time bomb
waiting to go off.
I was all alone.
I had no friends, no family.
And just when I was
at my darkest point,
there was one man
who shined a light on me,
a man who made me
believe in myself again.
I know, Donald, I could never
repay you for what you've done,
but I will die trying.
I love you, Donald Trump.
You know what? You too, Alf.
You are the only
illegal alien I truly love.
- Truly.
- Oh, that's...
- Shush!
- To Donald Trump.
Ah! Now everybody,
Wang Chung tonight.
It's so beautiful.
I wish I could have been there.
- I am so sorry.
We only had 2,000 invites.
There were thousands of women
that I could have chose from.
But I'm glad that
I chose to marry Ivana.
It's like my famous Trump Card,
Element of the Deal,
maximize your options.
Gloria: Mr. Trump, sorry
to interrupt your flashback,
but I've got Merv Griffin
on the line for you.
- Okay.
Listen, Ivana.
Time for you to go
because I've got somebody
more important to talk to.
OK?
- I just need to borrow
a couple things.
- Can somebody remove
Ivana from the set,
because she's killing me?
Get her out!
Jesus. Merv?
- I'm in the middle
of a workout right now,
so my heart rate is at
a perfect tempo for negotiating.
Go.
- I've been thinking,
and I'm not sure
I want the Taj Mahal anymore.
- It's a dump, Merv.
If I was you, I would
resort to Jewish lightning,
you know what I mean?
- What about all that
immortality talk?
What was that, all bull
- I don't need
your casino to be immortal.
If I buy it,
I'd be doing you a favor.
- I don't get it.
- Let me put this into terms
you can understand, OK, Merv?
It's Final Jeopardy!
and you keep
spinning Lose a Turn.
If you're not careful,
that slut Vanna's going
to turn over an "F" and a "U,"
and you'll miss
the Daily Double.
Trebek my drift?
He's taken everything
I've created,
melted them down
into truth bullets,
fired them into my forehead.
- I like the guy.
You know, I really, really do.
But he's just, he's
acting like he's not
going to die
of prostate cancer in 19 years.
- And you, son,
have just witnessed
a key Trump Card in my book,
Protect the Downside.
I attacked his ego
to hide my own downside.
But my very existence depends
on getting the Taj Mahal
at any cost, any cost.
- Hello, Mr. Trump.
I have the new blueprints
for the Taj Mahal.
- New blueprints.
Kid, this is my architect.
- Der Scutt.
You know he's a Nazi?
I-I was born
in Pennsylvania.
Trump: Those kooky Nazis
killed thousands.
- I was five
during World War II.
But you don't even own it.
- If you visualize something
not with your eyes,
but with the eyeballs
inside your brain,
it becomes a reality.
And you know what I call it?
I call it "the secret."
- Adolf Hitler
was a terrible man--
Leave him alone.
- I like it.
- All right.
So just make
the whole foundation
"classier."
- These are great changes,
Mr. Trump.
- Hey, do that silly salute
that you know I love so much.
- Oh, please don't make me.
- Please do it again,
just once.
- Oh, come on.
- Come on!
- I'm Japanese.
- New kid in here, please.
- Architecture is cool.
- You and Der Scutt sure make
a great team, Mr. Trump.
- This is how it happens.
I have an idea.
Der draws it up.
I make it better.
It's easy.
You know what
the very first building
we worked together on was?
- The one you're sitting in.
Today, Trump Tower
is universally recognized
as one of the most
erotic buildings on the planet.
Am I wrong, or am I right,
or am I wrong?
- You are right.
In fact,
a man was recently arrested
for trying to have sex with it.
- He was crazy in love.
But that irresistible design
did not happen overnight.
Trump: Chapter Six,
the last chapter, OK?
The art of building
the Trump Tower.
Little, mini people?
- Well, this is
just a proof of concept.
- How is anyone going
to know what this is
if we don't have little,
mini people walking around,
drinking little, mini coffees,
having a sensational
mini shopping experience
at our mini Trump Tower?
- I will add mini people.
- Give them all back-stories.
What do they do for a living?
The tiny places
that they're from?
And why are they
visiting Trump Tower?
Huh
- Yes, Mr. Trump.
Trump: Nowadays, everybody
does mini people back-stories.
But back then,
it was unheard of.
- Did I ever tell you
how Trump Tower came to be?
- Should the mini people's cups
be filled with real coffee?
- I had admired the
lot on 57th and 5th
since I was nine months old,
and I remember that vividly.
I had always wanted to do
two things on 5th Avenue--
shoot someone in the middle
of the street
and then watch them die,
and build a skyscraper.
But to make
either dream a reality,
I had to get the lease
to that big, stupid
Bonwit Teller building,
and then tear it down.
The guy in charge of
the property agreed to let me
take over the lease for
a measly 25 million dollars.
But I needed this moron
to sign a letter of intent.
If he found out how
valuable this lot was,
he would be able
to sell it to someone else
for a whole lot more.
Oops.
Trump: If he found out
how valuable this lot was,
he'd be able to
sell it to someone else
for a whole lot more.
I couldn't let
that happen.
And now I'm about to meet with
the head of Tiffany's to talk
about buying the air rights
above their building.
Tiffany's is the top luxury
retailer in the world, OK,
but they don't make lamps.
That is a totally
different company,
and if I slipped even once
and said something like,
"How's
the lamp business going?"
the whole deal would be over.
- I love your lamps.
- Thank you.
They were given to me as
a gift from Winston Churchill.
Trump:
That was a close call.
- I need those air rights,
Walter.
I need them.
- Heir rights.
- Oh, yes.
- But, Donald, they've been
in the family for generations.
Tiffany herself
got them for her Sweet 16.
- Have a look at this.
This is what I'm going
to have to build
if I don't
get those heir rights.
- Yep. And there
is nothing I can do about that,
because you've got this place
loaded with Mexicans.
Now here is
what I will be able to do
if I do get those
air rights, you see.
Oh, look at this.
Look at all
the little, mini people.
What's this one doing?
Der: Well, he's a dentist
who got off work early.
He's shopping
for his wife's 50th birthday.
And this one?
Der:
Oh, she's visiting from Houston.
Her dad just died from advanced
Hodgkin's lymphoma,
but he left
her a little money
to do some traveling.
- That's lovely.
What about this one?
That is a dog-walker who just
got reunited with her twin.
- That's wonderful.
- So what do you lamp,
Mr. Hoving?
Do we have a lamp?
- Yes, young man.
Yes, we do.
Trump: And with that handshake,
I was on my way
to securing deal after deal
after deal after deal
after lamp,
after deal, after deal,
after deal, after deal,
after deal, after deal,
just to make Trump Tower
a reality.
But I had yet to face
our most fearsome foes,
the New York City Zoning Board.
They met in secret and
made all zoning decisions
based on ancient
blood rituals.
But I knew they would
approve my request.
I mean,
we added little cars.
So now I had
approval to tear down
this petrified piece of
doggy doo-doo, so I could
build my master penis.
But in real estate,
nothing is ever easy.
- Smash everything.
- No! Stop!
Stop the demolition!
- We're from the Metropolitan
Museum of Art,
and those friezes are priceless
examples of art deco sculpture.
- They don't look
very priceless to me.
- Well, I assure you
they are, Mr. Trump.
And they need to be preserved.
- Why didn't you people
mention this earlier?
- Well, I was in Italy
all summer, giving a lecture
on pornographic medieval art.
- And I am timid.
- Just remove and donate
the friezes to the museum,
no matter the cost.
Now if you'll excuse us, we need
to go misuse taxpayer dollars
and have affairs
with our interns.
Trump: Those friezes turned
out to be heavier
than that fat cow
Rosie O'Donnell
on Thanksgiving.
And the cost
of removing them would have
been
fantastically astronomical.
- All right, smash it.
Which is yet another Trump Card
Element of the Deal
from my book,
improve your location.
I smashed the friezes,
and in turn, the liberal media
smashed me.
They turned me into some kind
of art-smashing rich guy.
So they want to see class?
Der, I want you to slather
every square inch
of Trump Tower in brass.
- Mr. Trump,
if we add any more,
we will be an uncharted
territories of classiness.
It could destroy the whole city.
I thought you Nazis were
good at following orders.
Go do it!
- No building has more brass
than the Trump Tower.
It costs $14 million a year
just to clean the thumbprints.
- The only thing
with more brass is my balls.
- You're my hero, Mr. Trump.
It sounds like you got
everything you ever wanted.
- You know, I've ruined lives.
I've destroyed careers.
I've blown up landmarks
to get what I want.
And yet, I'm always
left feeling empty.
Boy: Maybe you're so obsessed
with proving to other people
that you're the best, you
haven't proved it to yourself.
Maybe there's a hole inside that
can't be filled with buildings.
Maybe it can only be filled
with humility and love.
Nah, I just need the Taj Mahal,
because without it,
I have no legacy. See?
- Well, you left a legacy
with me, Mr. Trump.
- I learned to think big,
fight for what I believe in.
I learned to follow my dreams,
don't do drugs,
use plenty of brass, marry rich,
hire a good lawyer,
rap what I know,
always be loyal,
and most importantly--
- Always phrase your answer
in the form of a question.
- How is everyone
getting in here?
Oh, this is a masterpiece.
- Duh.
- There comes a time
in everyone's life
where he has to decide whether
to shit or get off the pot.
Well, that happened to me.
I was on the toilet for 12 hours
today waiting for my gardener
to come and rescue me.
And during that time,
I read this entire book.
- You know,
it's very well written.
It really is.
- There's no way, though,
that I can
top what you've accomplished.
You're the best of the best.
It's time for me
to get off the pot.
What I'm trying to say is
the Taj Mahal is yours.
- That is what you call
the art of the deal.
Shake on it.
- No.
But I will eat cake to it.
- You know, I almost forgot
the most important lesson
from my book.
Get out of my way, blondie.
Have fun! Have fun!
Right
- Stop!
Don't blow out those candles.
It'll set off a chain
of events that ends
with you becoming president.
- That's ridiculous.
- It's not ridiculous.
It's catastrophic.
I've come all the way
from the year 2016 to stop it.
- Hey, buddy, why don't
you just sit down,
we could have some cake,
and we could talk about this?
- I'm going to take you back
to the future to stop this.
Come on!
The DeLorean is
double-parked out front.
- Look. He's disappearing.
Not again.
- Trump: I already traveled
back in time to kill
Christopher Lloyd
so he would never star
in "Back to the Future."
- And it was a pain
in the ass too.
- Please call me President Me.
- You haven't aged a day.
You look sensational, really.
- Check this.
Nuclear codes.
Cool, huh?
- Boy: Sweet.
- You can demolish a lot
of buildings with that.
I gotta say, this has been
the most sensational
40th birthday party
I've ever had.
- I got a meeting with Interior
Secretary Carmen Electra,
so I'm outie five thousie.
They say that in the future.
They do.
Oh, yeah, listen.
Get @DonaldTrump on Twitter
as soon as it's invented.
Otherwise you'll be stuck
with, like, you know,
@realDonaldTrump.
You'll hate it. Trust me.
- All right, kid, come on.
Let's blow out these candles.
Let's go.
Ready?
- I'm not Mr. Trump.
I'm Donald Trump.
- Oh, we must have switched
bodies when we blew out
the candles together.
- I love this genre.
I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful movie franchise.
It's gonna be huge.
- Hi, folks.
It's me, Donald Trump.
You're welcome.
Look, if you're
not a moronic loser,
you probably picked up on
the movie's hidden message,
you know, which is that life is
a series of deals, big deals,
little deals,
really, really big deals.
And the key to any deal is what?
To win.
It doesn't even matter what
you win, as long as you win it.
You just have to fuck the other
party in their stupid pig-face
as hard as you can because the
only thing that matters is you.
And by you, I mean me.
So fuck you.
Fuck foreigners.
Fuck dogs. Fuck cats.
Fuck those transforming robots,
whatever, they turn into cars.
By the way, I came up
with that idea first, OK?
I called them Changey-bots.
And let me preemptively
give another finger
to later critics,
who are going to hate this movie
because they didn't have
the balls to make it,
and because they're not me,
and because I am the best,
and I really,
I really don't want to die,
but you know what, that's OK,
because I won't,
ever.
Cut.
Hello, it's Gloria.
I'd like to go home.
The Art of the Deal
- Some guys write poems
with beautiful words
Some guys sing songs
about flowers and birds
But that ain't
who I am
That kind of crap
ain't me
Oh, no
Some guys do sculpture
in plastic and steel
Some losers paint paintings,
abstract and surreal
But I don't get it
That kind of crap
ain't me
Can't you see
Oh
The only art I've
ever been able to feel
Is the only art
that matters
The Art of the Deal
The Art of the Deal
There's nothin' better
or quite as sublime
As signin' your name
on the dotted line
That's all the beauty
I need in my life
That and a big titty
Eastern Bloc wife
Oh
The only art
I've ever been able to feel
The only art
that gets me off
Is the deal
Some people make TV
shows like "Golden Girls"
Or "Different Strokes"
Some people make
"We Are the Worlds"
And give American money
to some African folks
- But that ain't me
- I'm on my own
- That ain't me
- I shall over-comb
That ain't the man
you see shakin' your hand
And oh
The only art that matters
ain't Picasso or Pollock
Ain't Warhol, Van Gogh,
Rothko
Dali, Mondrian,
or Ron Popeil
The only art that matters is
the one that makes me squeal
So forget
those other losers
It's the Art of the Deal
The Art of the Deal
The Art of the Deal
The Art of the Deal
- Wow.
That was...awful.
I mean, hauntingly bad.
It kind of makes me want
to rethink my passion
for filmmaking.
You know, we should probably
just pretend that this film
and, in fact, Donald Trump
never even existed.
I am so sorry.
I messed up Jenny
for nothing.
and you can probably guess
that I love film. From silent
picture masterpieces to
action films of the present
day to the one we'll
be watching tonight:
The Art of the Deal.
Thought to be lost in
the Cybill Shepherd blouse fire
of 1989, the Art of the Deal
is a TV movie,
based on the bestselling
Donald Trump autobiography
of the same name.
In fact, it was written,
directed, and stars
Donald Trump himself.
But the Art of the Deal
was almost never seen.
It was preempted
by Monday Night Football
in 1988. Crappy game too.
Colts versus Browns.
Every score was a safety.
Browns won 4 to 2.
Trump was furious,
and vowed never to air
his masterpiece.
It disappeared for decades
until last summer
when it turned up at a yard sale
outside Phoenix, Arizona.
I had to physically
wrestle it from
a nice woman named Jenny.
Much stronger than she looked.
Very persistent.
I'm not proud
of what happened,
but what's done is done.
It's mine now.
So tonight, this classic
portrait of a New York
real estate mogul
at the height of his reign,
made by the man himself,
will be shown in its entirety
for the very
first time.
Ladies and gentleman,
The Art of the Deal.
Trump: On my 10th birthday,
I saw something
that changed my life.
A picture of a kid standing
in front of the Taj Mahal.
It was gorgeous.
It was huge.
And it was easily the classiest
thing ever built by a Muslim.
So I vowed that day
to buy my own Taj Mahal.
And 30 years later,
I got my chance.
This one was even classier
because it was a casino.
And it was in a place way
more beautiful than India,
New Jersey.
It was the Taj Mahal Casino
in Atlantic City,
but it was owned
by the notorious
tight-ass Merv Griffin.
So getting it would take more
than my normal deal-making,
genius super powers.
It would take
the art of the deal.
This is that story,
in movie form,
based on my
bestselling book, which was
in bestselling book form.
This is "The Art of the Deal."
Okay?
Man:
The Art of the Deal
Some guys write poems
with beautiful words
Some guys sing songs
about flowers and birds
But that ain't
who I am
That kind'a
crap ain't me
Ooh, no
Some guys do sculptures
in plastic and steel
Some losers paint paintings,
abstract and surreal
But I don't get it
That kind
of crap ain't me
Can't you see
Oh
The only art
I've ever been able to feel
Is the only art
that matters
The Art of the Deal
- Hey!
Put down that bestselling book!
Damn.
Trump:
That is a hell of a book.
- Kid, I lived it.
And then, of course,
I took credit for writing it.
- Holy cowabunga.
You're Donald Trump.
- That is my name and you
cannot wear it out, trust me.
You must really want this book.
- All the stores are sold out.
- Do you know that this
is the second bestselling book
of all time,
after the Bible,
which took 12 guys to write?
And you know what,
it's boring, very boring.
Woman: Mr. Trump,
I've got Merv Griffin
on the line for you.
- Merv Griffin.
Why did you not say so, Deborah?
Woman: It's Gloria.
- Deborah!
Boy: The Merv Griffin,
the singer, the actor,
the creator of "Wheel of
Fortune" and "Jeopardy!"?
- Merv Griffin owns
the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.
Now, this is a place
I have dreamt
about owning since
before I had orange pubic hair.
A chance at immortality.
But I can't let him know
how much I want it
because then he'll
have all the leverage.
You see what I'm saying?
That is Trump Card
Element of the Deal number 1.
Use your leverage.
- Put him through!
- Gloria: I already did.
You're on speaker.
Griffin: Aloha, Donald.
I'm wearing a headset, so
I don't have to hold anything.
What a world.
Trump: Well, that's good.
You know why?
Because I wanted you
to hear all that.
- Well, that's good
because I did.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
- Did you know that Shah Jahan
built the Taj Mahal
as a tomb for his third wife
when he was 40 years old?
Now, I am 40 today,
and I don't have a thing
to bury my wife in.
- It's not like you
to get emotional
about business, Donald.
Trump:
I want the Taj Mahal.
This is not just
a deal for a casino, Merv.
It's a deal for my soul.
- Sounds like
this is your Rosebud.
- Rosebud,
from from "Citizen Kane."
- I don't follow.
- It's a classic movie
about a megalomaniac
who runs for office and ends
up destroying everyone
around him, just to
regain a piece of his soul
that was taken away
from him in childhood.
This is like a snooze.
I'm going to fall asleep.
- You should really watch it.
- I'd rather swallow
a bag of hair, Merv.
- Didn't you want
to make a deal?
Trump: Oh, yeah.
You know, speaking of which, I
heard that "Let's Make a Deal"
is killing "Wheel
of Fortune" in the ratings.
- That son of a bitch Nielsen.
He's had it out for me
ever since I beat him
at tennis in '49.
Well, he's not
getting a rematch,
and you're not getting
the Taj Mahal, Trump.
- Merv!
- I'd rather sell it to a group
of Japanese business robots.
- Don't you say that.
- I'd rather sell it
to an A-rab.
So Allahu Akbar, Donald.
And good luck with your soul.
- I want the Taj Mahal!
I want
the Taj Mahal!
Gloria: Just a reminder
that you're meeting
with the Genovese family
about that cement shipment
tomorrow at 9:00,
Robert Durst called and said,
he put the thing in the thing.
He said you'd know
what he means.
That actress
in "Maximum Overdrive"
is named Marla Maples.
You've got that cryogenics
appointment at noon,
and you are no longer
a registered Democrat.
Gloria: Yes, sir.
No one
called about my birthday?
Gloria: No, Mr. Trump.
Gloria: No. Nothing.
Come on.
He always gives me
those Isotoners.
Gloria: Sorry, sir.
- Boy, that's sad.
- That is not sad.
I am too busy to be sad, kid.
Let me tell you who I've
talked to so far this week, OK?
Lee Iacocca, listen,
we are both rich white men.
Why don't we buy some condos
in Fort Lauderdale?
Tell Mayor Ed Koch that
he's a scum-sucking fuck-pig,
and I'm going to shove
this building so far
up his fucking Jewish ass,
he will be shitting I-beams!
All right. Thanks, Dad.
Love you.
I want my daughter to grow
up and be someone that I
would totally
have sex with.
Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down this wall.
I can build you
a much nicer one.
It's called real estate,
not fake estate.
You're supposed to
avoid the Noid, a-hole.
If he's stuck in quicksand,
Junior, he's a goner.
Sue them, Jerry.
Konichiwa, sensei.
Sue them!
Merv, you have got to change
your mind about the Taj Mahal.
I mean, but don't change
it too soon because we
need that tension in the plot.
All right.
Larry, stop the montage.
Successful people are
always on the phone,
even if there's
no one on the other end.
It's another gem
from my book, by the way.
Get the word out.
I first started
to master the art of the deal
back in 1966, when I was
at Wharton Business School.
So while other kids were
busy smoking reefers
and contracting herpes
in Saigon,
I was studying
foreclosure notices
so that I could be a real estate
mogul, just like my dad.
- My dad died in Vietnam.
He was a hero.
- I would say it's a little bit
more heroic not to get killed.
I had my own Vietnam.
I had to start up
with nothing but the shirt
on my back and
a small million-dollar loan
from my father.
- How awful.
- Do you know that it was barely
enough to buy a nice building
on Central Park South?
Can you believe it?
I wanted to demolish
it, but the...you know,
the tenants were
rent controlled.
- Rent-controlled apartments
on Central Park South?
What a bunch
of wealthy freeloaders.
- I had to get rid
of them somehow.
Otherwise, I would never be
able to tear
that ugly building down.
Chapter One:
The art intimidating
rent controlled tenants.
That is when I literally
bumped into my stinky answer.
Could you go and be
homeless somewhere else?
Don't touch my food.
- You'll never get
the Taj Mahal.
- I said, help a brother out,
will you?
Trump: I had a sensational
idea to move
some of
those dirty homeless in,
to scare those
rent control crybabies out.
- I got an idea.
I think you could help me out.
- Whoa.
Is that a hundred
- You're goddamn right it's
a hundred-dollar bill.
- Wow. Wow.
- Do you like, uh,
pissing indoors?
How would you like
to piss indoors
for $100
in Central Park South?
- Truth be told, a lot of
it's going to be blood.
- Nice to know.
Always nice to know.
So you're prepared.
Boy: So you
paid the homeless people
to piss and poop
in your building
to make the tenants leave?
Trump: I wanted to.
But the city wouldn't let me.
- All's you were trying
to do was help.
Trump: No kidding.
Everyone was out to get me.
Chapter Two:
The art defeating
totally bogus
discrimination lawsuits.
Okay?
Mayor Koch,
you gotta be kidding me.
I, Donald J. Trump, am being
sued for discriminating
against minorities?
- It's all part of my liberal
agenda there, Donald.
- I love minorities!
They're exotic.
They're sensual,
especially the Asians.
- It's not the Asians.
They're my absolute favorites.
Come on. They go to brises
just for fun sometimes.
Look at this.
This says, "I had fun at
Josh Lowenstein's Bar Mitzvah."
And I truly did.
It was sensational.
The gefilte fish
- Well, I think we were talking
about the African-Americans
you won't rent to, Donald.
That is the problem.
- Look, Koch.
New York should be
a place where everyone
no matter their race,
religion, creed, color,
can be priced out of
their own neighborhood.
Not this hellhole
where the wealthy elite
live
in fear of rent control.
- I'm just a stupid politician.
I don't have
your intellectual prowess.
Now, you know what?
Maybe a savvy
businessman one day
is going to be mayor
of this beautiful city,
President
of the United States even.
But until that happens,
I am going to make sure
you don't succeed.
- Let me tell you something.
Your episode
of "SNL" sucked.
Sucked.
- I'm gonna watch it on tape.
- I could do much better!
Donald J. Trump
could do much better.
I don't judge a person based
on the color of their skin
or their tendency towards rape,
or even the color
they dye their hair.
I mean, I judge
them based on how
they affect property value.
- I don't understand.
- Do you see this thing
taking my measurements?
She has what you
call "curb appeal."
Any tenant would be pleased to
see her outside his building,
trust me.
- OK.
- Get the inseam again.
So by day,
it was me against the city.
But by night,
it was me and the city.
Cue the montage, Larry!
The streets of New York
were my playground,
but my office was
the most exclusive nightclub
on the planet, Le Club.
It's where powerful white men
wined and dined
to get things done.
But because I was such
a notorious rutting stag,
they only let me
join under one condition.
Promise me
that you won't sleep
with any of the other club
members' wives.
- What you talkin' 'bout,
club boss?
"Different Strokes."
"Different Strokes."
Great show.
- If I owned that building,
I would never
have allowed that rich white man
to adopt those black children.
- Of course not.
Donald--
- The members
of the club are nervous.
- About you.
They can't compete with someone
so young and good-looking,
smart, charming as you.
I'm not done.
Dynamite hair, cool teeth,
sweet breath.
- Big, hairy dick.
I'm not done.
Awesome name Trump.
Smart blue blazer.
- Mm.
- Cool pin and tie.
Killer brows.
The whole shebang.
So what do you say?
No sleeping with
other people's wives.
- Deal.
- Let's celebrate
with a couple martinis.
Sheila!
- No, I don't drink drinks.
I only drink women, sexually.
And I don't let
my lips touch the glass,
if you know what I mean.
- I'm not sure that I do.
I digressed.
Terribly sorry about that.
Excuse me.
I noticed you from
across the room, okay.
Roy Cohn, right-hand man
to Senator Eugene McCarthy,
who sold
out his fellow Americans
during the Communist
witch hunt of the 1950s.
That Roy Cohn?
- That's me.
Trump: Roy Cohn
was just the kind of savage
I needed to help me beat
those discrimination charges.
He was a real straight-shooter,
I mean, emphasis on "straight."
- I just want tenants
who pay their rent
and don't play all that
stuff that will eventually
be called "rap music."
Roy mutilated
the government's case, okay.
And we never had to admit
that we refused to rent
to black people.
That felt great.
Which is another Trump Card
Element of the Deal, fight back.
Which we did.
And that was all thanks to
Roy Cohn, saint of a man.
- He died of AIDS alone,
unloved, and terrified.
- And thank God for AIDS.
Otherwise I wouldn't
be your attorney.
- Kid, Jerry Schrager,
one of the top Jew
real estate lawyers
in all of New York City.
- This guy's, I mean, he's an
absolute Jewish animal when it
comes to making deals
for his top client,
me, who's not Jewish--
-That's right.
- He will bite off your pecker.
Won't you, Jerry?
Yeah, well,
it's a tough business.
- Show him your teeth, Jerry.
- Show the kid
your cock-chompers!
Show him you'll bite
someone's pecker off.
- Oh, Mr. Trump,
that's OK.
- No, it's important.
Jerry, go ahead, and be
realistic about it. Come on.
- Growl a little.
Get into it.
All right.
Don't, don't eat it.
- I'm trying
to make a point.
Kid, grab
a wastebasket, please.
Give me that scumbag
that cleans shit up in here.
- Oh, God.
- We need to talk about
your testimony for tomorrow's
court appearance.
Just bite their peckers off,
Jerry, like you always do.
Excuse me.
- That's a hell of a guy right
there, and a fantastic client.
We're suing currently
3,721 people or entities.
Let me take you through
them in painstaking detail.
Ohh.
Fuck it.
Happy birthday, Donald Trump.
You're a winner.
- You'll never get
the Taj Mahal.
- No. No.
I am not a loser.
I'm a winner.
- Whoa! No!
I don't want to be a loser.
I want to be a winner.
A Winner. A winner.
That was very emotional.
I mean, almost vulnerable.
I think I just had
an Oscar moment.
I have got to get
the Taj Mahal.
- And of course, we're suing
Ms. Reynolds' second grade class
for copyright infringement.
- Best shit of my life.
No problem there.
I mean, I shit easily.
World class Trump dump.
- I was just telling
the kid here about the art
of suing people.
- It just seems like
whoever has the most money
and the most Jewish lawyers
has an unfair advantage.
- Exactly.
- See, now you're
getting it, kid.
You know, suing someone,
that's the most beautiful thing
one human being can do to
another human being.
- You don't look convinced.
Doris, get me the Fat Boys.
Oh, you've heard of them?
- I love them.
- Yo, Mr. Trump.
What's up?
- Hey, Mr. Trump.
Hey, white kid.
- Fat Boys, I brought
you here to give us
one of your fabulous
and sensational raps.
- Yes, sir.
- It's all we got.
- When you
got a little problem
And you can't work it out
with a banker, a tenant
Or even a spouse
There's just one place
that you should go
Where the floors are marble
and the halls are hallowed
- Chump does you wrong, and
you want to tell the world
Or you seek damages
that you deserve
There's just one thing
that you have to do
S-U-E, homeboy
Sue sue sue
- Tort laws,
affidavits, Chapter 13
These are just a few
of our favorite things
So don't smear our name or
break your contract
Or you'll find yourself
in court just like that
- Lawsuit
- Lawsuit
- Lawsuit Rap
- Lawsuit
- Lawsuit
Lawsuit Rap
Lawsuit, Lawsuit
Lawsuit Rap
Lawsuit, Lawsuit,
Lawsuit Rap
- You know, seeing you
and the Fat Boys rapping
like that reminds me of the
biggest lawsuit you ever had.
Trump: Oh, you mean the...
- Yeah.
I'm talking about
a little organization called...
The NFL.
- That's right.
- Chapter Three: The art
suing those losers at the NFL.
Jerry: A few years ago,
Mr. Trump a bunch
of money lying around,
so he brought a team in the
United States Football League
called the New Jersey Generals.
They almost got
Lawrence Taylor,
but he slipped in cocaine
and hit his head
and forgot
to sign the contract.
Trump: See, I wanted to take on
the NFL, helmet to helmet-hair.
And they were not
happy about it,
okay, because of course,
they're losers.
Gloria: I've got that fat slob
Pete Rozelle on the line.
- Morning, Pete.
Still as inept as ever I hope.
- I trust you've given up
on your silly fantasy
of moving the USFL season
from the spring to the fall.
- Not only have I not given up,
I am challenging
the NFL head on.
I just need to get
the TV rights to do it.
- Well, you will never get them.
We own the networks--
ABC, CBS, NBC.
You're making
a big mistake here, Trump.
- Actually, I'm making
the opposite of a mistake.
It's a good-stake.
I'll see you in court.
Trump: So I sued the NFL
for breaking antitrust laws.
- Your witness, Mr. Trump.
Ladies and gentlemen of
the jury, your honor, Spuds.
Mr. Rozelle,
isn't it true that you
pledged to, quote, "destroy the
United States Football League,"
which is a league
that people love?
Trump: Whereas as I was
well-spoken and handsome,
Rozelle was
a fat, sweaty turd,
who literally barfed on
himself in the middle of court.
I mean, who does that?
But none of us were prepared
for what happened next.
- We, the jury,
find the defendant,
the National Football League...
What happened?
I'm sorry.
I get emotional
telling this story.
It's just one
of my few weaknesses.
- I love justice.
- And that's rare these days.
- Speaking of rare,
this is a prototype
for a new line of Trump Steaks.
This is the finest meat
anywhere since Kelly McGillis
from "Top Gun."
Try some.
Salsa,
on an American steak?
- Whoa, whoa. Easy, kid.
- Jos.
- It's not working
out with this kid.
Let's go to a commercial.
Male Voiceover: Trump the Game.
- So was the NFL violating
antitrust laws?
- We, the jury,
find the defendant,
the National Football League...
guilty.
They are absolutely
100% guilty.
- I happen to totally agree.
And what have you decided to
award the plaintiff in damages?
- We award damages
in the amount of $1.
Trump: It was a symbolic gesture
and a slap in the face.
Jerry: It was no big
whoop to Mr. Trump.
He's a billionaire.
No, the real victims were
those poor, dumb fans
with nothing else to live for.
- Oh, my aching foots.
Ivana, my darling, don't
talk about your aching foots.
Kid, the love of
my life.
My wife, the Czechoslovakian
immigrant, Ivana Trump.
- Not hardly.
Sir Donald has me working
all the day at the casino.
- What she's talking about
is the most elegant,
sensational Trump Castle
in Atlantic City.
- She runs it.
- Oh, yes.
I...
- Taj Mahal is still the
ultimate dream, of course.
-Yes, it is a building
more beautiful
than anything or anyone.
- That is correct.
- Yes, I know.
He make me dress up as
the Taj Mahal sometimes.
It's very heavy.
I broke
my clavicle once.
- Obviously, Ivana's jealous
because she won't be
buried in the Taj Mahal
since she's not my third wife.
- But you know,
being entombed forever
in Trump Castle,
not so bad.
- It actually
used to be a Hilton.
- One of
my all-time great deals.
You see that?
Tony,
zoom in on the model, OK?
Look, me and the model.
Can you see it?
Look, look.
Huh
No. Stop.
Deal with your foots.
Trump: Chapter Four:
The art buying a casino
from the Hilton family.
The Hilton family tried to
get into the casino business,
but they were too stupid,
and the whole thing fell apart.
So I flew out to California
to meet with the heir
to the Hilton fortune,
Barron Hilton.
He had what I call lucky sperm.
OK, he was born wealthy
and had everything
handed to him by his daddy.
The guy was a total loser.
Don't tell him I said that.
- So what brings you here,
old chap?
- Well, I heard the bad news
about the gambling license,
and I wanted to send
my condolences because really,
that blows.
- Yes.
The whole thing was
a ghastly mess.
- Atlantic City is
a very political city,
and they don't really
trust foreigners.
- You're absolutely right.
But, uh,
lucky for me, of course,
I was born and raised
in the United States.
Dallas, Texas, in fact.
Because I detect an accent.
An accent?
No, you're talking
bollocks, mate.
- You see, that's what I mean.
Americans don't say bollocks.
- I'd say if anyone's got
an accent here, mate, it's you.
See, you've got one
of those accents
like one of those old-timey
New York ruffians.
Say, um, "I'd hate to see
your mother have an accident."
- I would hate to see
your mother have an accident.
- There.
Right there. Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Yeah. Scary
- Listen, enough of
the rumpy pumpy, okay?
Let's just get down
to straight old business.
If you ever decide you want to
sell that big, honking casino
of yours, you call me.
- I will, sir.
- Donald Trump.
- Ya'll come back
sometime, you hear?
- And I got the place
for $320 million.
Again, with
someone else's money.
Now that is another Trump
Card Element of the Deal.
Know your market.
- Anyway, as I was saying...
- You weren't saying anything.
Shut up.
- I was.
- I put Ivana in charge.
Do you know why?
Because she's more
than just a pretty face and,
you know, obviously,
the glorious set of yabbos.
Huh, baby?
- Right. Yes.
So this...
- No, stop.
N-No, it doesn't mean talk.
- But...
- You know, she also gave me
my three beautiful children?
Did you not, darling?
Did you not?
- I did, 100%.
- You did.
- Yes, I never forget
- Witnessing the birth
of my first child
was like one of the top 15
moments of my life, easily.
- OK, so I...
- Shush!
- I will be quiet.
- And I gotta compliment
Ivana, you know,
because she really kept things
relatively tight downstairs.
Because childbirth can be
brutal on the private parts
of a woman.
I'm known as a great
negotiator, but in this case,
Ivana's got
the best deal of all.
Don't you, baby?
- Ooh.
- Me.
Trump: Chapter Five:
The art of marrying
a gorgeous immigrant.
It was
a very classy wedding, OK?
Ivana looked
like a very classy angel.
I had on a very classy
licensed Trump suit.
Great cut.
My junk looked huge.
- You may kiss your gorgeous
groom, you lucky bride.
- And my best man gave one
of the classiest speeches ever,
including ancient Roman times.
- Attention.
For those of you wondering,
yes, it is really me.
And, no, I don't know
where your cat is.
All right. All right.
Settle down.
In all seriousness,
I'd like to talk a little bit
about the Donald.
We all know he's a style icon.
He stole my haircut.
Yeah. He's a ladies' man,
a real estate mogul,
who never discriminates against
tenants based on their race.
But he's more than that,
a lot more.
And I want you to know
I might be hot now,
but before I got "Alf,"
I was a destructive mess.
I was a ticking time bomb
waiting to go off.
I was all alone.
I had no friends, no family.
And just when I was
at my darkest point,
there was one man
who shined a light on me,
a man who made me
believe in myself again.
I know, Donald, I could never
repay you for what you've done,
but I will die trying.
I love you, Donald Trump.
You know what? You too, Alf.
You are the only
illegal alien I truly love.
- Truly.
- Oh, that's...
- Shush!
- To Donald Trump.
Ah! Now everybody,
Wang Chung tonight.
It's so beautiful.
I wish I could have been there.
- I am so sorry.
We only had 2,000 invites.
There were thousands of women
that I could have chose from.
But I'm glad that
I chose to marry Ivana.
It's like my famous Trump Card,
Element of the Deal,
maximize your options.
Gloria: Mr. Trump, sorry
to interrupt your flashback,
but I've got Merv Griffin
on the line for you.
- Okay.
Listen, Ivana.
Time for you to go
because I've got somebody
more important to talk to.
OK?
- I just need to borrow
a couple things.
- Can somebody remove
Ivana from the set,
because she's killing me?
Get her out!
Jesus. Merv?
- I'm in the middle
of a workout right now,
so my heart rate is at
a perfect tempo for negotiating.
Go.
- I've been thinking,
and I'm not sure
I want the Taj Mahal anymore.
- It's a dump, Merv.
If I was you, I would
resort to Jewish lightning,
you know what I mean?
- What about all that
immortality talk?
What was that, all bull
- I don't need
your casino to be immortal.
If I buy it,
I'd be doing you a favor.
- I don't get it.
- Let me put this into terms
you can understand, OK, Merv?
It's Final Jeopardy!
and you keep
spinning Lose a Turn.
If you're not careful,
that slut Vanna's going
to turn over an "F" and a "U,"
and you'll miss
the Daily Double.
Trebek my drift?
He's taken everything
I've created,
melted them down
into truth bullets,
fired them into my forehead.
- I like the guy.
You know, I really, really do.
But he's just, he's
acting like he's not
going to die
of prostate cancer in 19 years.
- And you, son,
have just witnessed
a key Trump Card in my book,
Protect the Downside.
I attacked his ego
to hide my own downside.
But my very existence depends
on getting the Taj Mahal
at any cost, any cost.
- Hello, Mr. Trump.
I have the new blueprints
for the Taj Mahal.
- New blueprints.
Kid, this is my architect.
- Der Scutt.
You know he's a Nazi?
I-I was born
in Pennsylvania.
Trump: Those kooky Nazis
killed thousands.
- I was five
during World War II.
But you don't even own it.
- If you visualize something
not with your eyes,
but with the eyeballs
inside your brain,
it becomes a reality.
And you know what I call it?
I call it "the secret."
- Adolf Hitler
was a terrible man--
Leave him alone.
- I like it.
- All right.
So just make
the whole foundation
"classier."
- These are great changes,
Mr. Trump.
- Hey, do that silly salute
that you know I love so much.
- Oh, please don't make me.
- Please do it again,
just once.
- Oh, come on.
- Come on!
- I'm Japanese.
- New kid in here, please.
- Architecture is cool.
- You and Der Scutt sure make
a great team, Mr. Trump.
- This is how it happens.
I have an idea.
Der draws it up.
I make it better.
It's easy.
You know what
the very first building
we worked together on was?
- The one you're sitting in.
Today, Trump Tower
is universally recognized
as one of the most
erotic buildings on the planet.
Am I wrong, or am I right,
or am I wrong?
- You are right.
In fact,
a man was recently arrested
for trying to have sex with it.
- He was crazy in love.
But that irresistible design
did not happen overnight.
Trump: Chapter Six,
the last chapter, OK?
The art of building
the Trump Tower.
Little, mini people?
- Well, this is
just a proof of concept.
- How is anyone going
to know what this is
if we don't have little,
mini people walking around,
drinking little, mini coffees,
having a sensational
mini shopping experience
at our mini Trump Tower?
- I will add mini people.
- Give them all back-stories.
What do they do for a living?
The tiny places
that they're from?
And why are they
visiting Trump Tower?
Huh
- Yes, Mr. Trump.
Trump: Nowadays, everybody
does mini people back-stories.
But back then,
it was unheard of.
- Did I ever tell you
how Trump Tower came to be?
- Should the mini people's cups
be filled with real coffee?
- I had admired the
lot on 57th and 5th
since I was nine months old,
and I remember that vividly.
I had always wanted to do
two things on 5th Avenue--
shoot someone in the middle
of the street
and then watch them die,
and build a skyscraper.
But to make
either dream a reality,
I had to get the lease
to that big, stupid
Bonwit Teller building,
and then tear it down.
The guy in charge of
the property agreed to let me
take over the lease for
a measly 25 million dollars.
But I needed this moron
to sign a letter of intent.
If he found out how
valuable this lot was,
he would be able
to sell it to someone else
for a whole lot more.
Oops.
Trump: If he found out
how valuable this lot was,
he'd be able to
sell it to someone else
for a whole lot more.
I couldn't let
that happen.
And now I'm about to meet with
the head of Tiffany's to talk
about buying the air rights
above their building.
Tiffany's is the top luxury
retailer in the world, OK,
but they don't make lamps.
That is a totally
different company,
and if I slipped even once
and said something like,
"How's
the lamp business going?"
the whole deal would be over.
- I love your lamps.
- Thank you.
They were given to me as
a gift from Winston Churchill.
Trump:
That was a close call.
- I need those air rights,
Walter.
I need them.
- Heir rights.
- Oh, yes.
- But, Donald, they've been
in the family for generations.
Tiffany herself
got them for her Sweet 16.
- Have a look at this.
This is what I'm going
to have to build
if I don't
get those heir rights.
- Yep. And there
is nothing I can do about that,
because you've got this place
loaded with Mexicans.
Now here is
what I will be able to do
if I do get those
air rights, you see.
Oh, look at this.
Look at all
the little, mini people.
What's this one doing?
Der: Well, he's a dentist
who got off work early.
He's shopping
for his wife's 50th birthday.
And this one?
Der:
Oh, she's visiting from Houston.
Her dad just died from advanced
Hodgkin's lymphoma,
but he left
her a little money
to do some traveling.
- That's lovely.
What about this one?
That is a dog-walker who just
got reunited with her twin.
- That's wonderful.
- So what do you lamp,
Mr. Hoving?
Do we have a lamp?
- Yes, young man.
Yes, we do.
Trump: And with that handshake,
I was on my way
to securing deal after deal
after deal after deal
after lamp,
after deal, after deal,
after deal, after deal,
after deal, after deal,
just to make Trump Tower
a reality.
But I had yet to face
our most fearsome foes,
the New York City Zoning Board.
They met in secret and
made all zoning decisions
based on ancient
blood rituals.
But I knew they would
approve my request.
I mean,
we added little cars.
So now I had
approval to tear down
this petrified piece of
doggy doo-doo, so I could
build my master penis.
But in real estate,
nothing is ever easy.
- Smash everything.
- No! Stop!
Stop the demolition!
- We're from the Metropolitan
Museum of Art,
and those friezes are priceless
examples of art deco sculpture.
- They don't look
very priceless to me.
- Well, I assure you
they are, Mr. Trump.
And they need to be preserved.
- Why didn't you people
mention this earlier?
- Well, I was in Italy
all summer, giving a lecture
on pornographic medieval art.
- And I am timid.
- Just remove and donate
the friezes to the museum,
no matter the cost.
Now if you'll excuse us, we need
to go misuse taxpayer dollars
and have affairs
with our interns.
Trump: Those friezes turned
out to be heavier
than that fat cow
Rosie O'Donnell
on Thanksgiving.
And the cost
of removing them would have
been
fantastically astronomical.
- All right, smash it.
Which is yet another Trump Card
Element of the Deal
from my book,
improve your location.
I smashed the friezes,
and in turn, the liberal media
smashed me.
They turned me into some kind
of art-smashing rich guy.
So they want to see class?
Der, I want you to slather
every square inch
of Trump Tower in brass.
- Mr. Trump,
if we add any more,
we will be an uncharted
territories of classiness.
It could destroy the whole city.
I thought you Nazis were
good at following orders.
Go do it!
- No building has more brass
than the Trump Tower.
It costs $14 million a year
just to clean the thumbprints.
- The only thing
with more brass is my balls.
- You're my hero, Mr. Trump.
It sounds like you got
everything you ever wanted.
- You know, I've ruined lives.
I've destroyed careers.
I've blown up landmarks
to get what I want.
And yet, I'm always
left feeling empty.
Boy: Maybe you're so obsessed
with proving to other people
that you're the best, you
haven't proved it to yourself.
Maybe there's a hole inside that
can't be filled with buildings.
Maybe it can only be filled
with humility and love.
Nah, I just need the Taj Mahal,
because without it,
I have no legacy. See?
- Well, you left a legacy
with me, Mr. Trump.
- I learned to think big,
fight for what I believe in.
I learned to follow my dreams,
don't do drugs,
use plenty of brass, marry rich,
hire a good lawyer,
rap what I know,
always be loyal,
and most importantly--
- Always phrase your answer
in the form of a question.
- How is everyone
getting in here?
Oh, this is a masterpiece.
- Duh.
- There comes a time
in everyone's life
where he has to decide whether
to shit or get off the pot.
Well, that happened to me.
I was on the toilet for 12 hours
today waiting for my gardener
to come and rescue me.
And during that time,
I read this entire book.
- You know,
it's very well written.
It really is.
- There's no way, though,
that I can
top what you've accomplished.
You're the best of the best.
It's time for me
to get off the pot.
What I'm trying to say is
the Taj Mahal is yours.
- That is what you call
the art of the deal.
Shake on it.
- No.
But I will eat cake to it.
- You know, I almost forgot
the most important lesson
from my book.
Get out of my way, blondie.
Have fun! Have fun!
Right
- Stop!
Don't blow out those candles.
It'll set off a chain
of events that ends
with you becoming president.
- That's ridiculous.
- It's not ridiculous.
It's catastrophic.
I've come all the way
from the year 2016 to stop it.
- Hey, buddy, why don't
you just sit down,
we could have some cake,
and we could talk about this?
- I'm going to take you back
to the future to stop this.
Come on!
The DeLorean is
double-parked out front.
- Look. He's disappearing.
Not again.
- Trump: I already traveled
back in time to kill
Christopher Lloyd
so he would never star
in "Back to the Future."
- And it was a pain
in the ass too.
- Please call me President Me.
- You haven't aged a day.
You look sensational, really.
- Check this.
Nuclear codes.
Cool, huh?
- Boy: Sweet.
- You can demolish a lot
of buildings with that.
I gotta say, this has been
the most sensational
40th birthday party
I've ever had.
- I got a meeting with Interior
Secretary Carmen Electra,
so I'm outie five thousie.
They say that in the future.
They do.
Oh, yeah, listen.
Get @DonaldTrump on Twitter
as soon as it's invented.
Otherwise you'll be stuck
with, like, you know,
@realDonaldTrump.
You'll hate it. Trust me.
- All right, kid, come on.
Let's blow out these candles.
Let's go.
Ready?
- I'm not Mr. Trump.
I'm Donald Trump.
- Oh, we must have switched
bodies when we blew out
the candles together.
- I love this genre.
I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful movie franchise.
It's gonna be huge.
- Hi, folks.
It's me, Donald Trump.
You're welcome.
Look, if you're
not a moronic loser,
you probably picked up on
the movie's hidden message,
you know, which is that life is
a series of deals, big deals,
little deals,
really, really big deals.
And the key to any deal is what?
To win.
It doesn't even matter what
you win, as long as you win it.
You just have to fuck the other
party in their stupid pig-face
as hard as you can because the
only thing that matters is you.
And by you, I mean me.
So fuck you.
Fuck foreigners.
Fuck dogs. Fuck cats.
Fuck those transforming robots,
whatever, they turn into cars.
By the way, I came up
with that idea first, OK?
I called them Changey-bots.
And let me preemptively
give another finger
to later critics,
who are going to hate this movie
because they didn't have
the balls to make it,
and because they're not me,
and because I am the best,
and I really,
I really don't want to die,
but you know what, that's OK,
because I won't,
ever.
Cut.
Hello, it's Gloria.
I'd like to go home.
The Art of the Deal
- Some guys write poems
with beautiful words
Some guys sing songs
about flowers and birds
But that ain't
who I am
That kind of crap
ain't me
Oh, no
Some guys do sculpture
in plastic and steel
Some losers paint paintings,
abstract and surreal
But I don't get it
That kind of crap
ain't me
Can't you see
Oh
The only art I've
ever been able to feel
Is the only art
that matters
The Art of the Deal
The Art of the Deal
There's nothin' better
or quite as sublime
As signin' your name
on the dotted line
That's all the beauty
I need in my life
That and a big titty
Eastern Bloc wife
Oh
The only art
I've ever been able to feel
The only art
that gets me off
Is the deal
Some people make TV
shows like "Golden Girls"
Or "Different Strokes"
Some people make
"We Are the Worlds"
And give American money
to some African folks
- But that ain't me
- I'm on my own
- That ain't me
- I shall over-comb
That ain't the man
you see shakin' your hand
And oh
The only art that matters
ain't Picasso or Pollock
Ain't Warhol, Van Gogh,
Rothko
Dali, Mondrian,
or Ron Popeil
The only art that matters is
the one that makes me squeal
So forget
those other losers
It's the Art of the Deal
The Art of the Deal
The Art of the Deal
The Art of the Deal
- Wow.
That was...awful.
I mean, hauntingly bad.
It kind of makes me want
to rethink my passion
for filmmaking.
You know, we should probably
just pretend that this film
and, in fact, Donald Trump
never even existed.
I am so sorry.
I messed up Jenny
for nothing.