Don't Mess with Grandma (2024) Movie Script

1
(goose honking)
- JT: Hey, Mr. Fletcher.
- (goose honking)
- No shit from you, please.
- (goose honking)
- Hey!
- (goose honking)
Will you go?
Just get outta the fuckin' way.
Asshole!
Jesus Christ.
Okay, you just stay over there.
(goose honking)
All right!
Got your ham steak,
green beans...
And I don't know what that is,
but it's yellow.
And this is for you.
All right.
You need anything?
- Mil...
- Oh, okay. Milk. Gotcha.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
You all, uh,
stocked up on bendy straws?
Uh-huh.
All right. You're the man.
Be right back. Shut up!
(goose honking)
(goose honking)
Jeez...
(phone beeping)
Granna:
Who... who was that?
Were you a person or a computer?
(beeping)
Do I talk during the beep?
Okay, this one?
No? No? Okay...
Granna:
I need more time
if I'm supposed to
talk during the beep.
No? No. Uh, Ruth,
is there any reason
why these can't go, like,
right here, like within rea...
No? No. Okay. All right.
Okay, Granna, you can do it,
just start talking.
- (phone beeping tones)
- Here you go, Ollie.
Just reach for it.
Come on, a little help.
Hey! There you go.
There you go.
All right, cool.
Uh... Ollie,
you're not tied off!
Ollie, can you help me out?
Granna:
Rufus, I'm coming!
I'll be right back.
Hold on.
(phone beeping)
That's right.
We're outta dog food.
You know what he eats.
Get it on your way over.
Well, I'm glad I got
to the end of that.
(engine starting)
Yo, Trent. Dude!
(groaning)
I'm awake.
JT:
You wrapped up?
You wrapped up yet?
Sure. Yeah, sure.
JT: I'm clocking out,
so start getting up.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Yeah.
JT:
What, no long hots?
I'm on vacation tomorrow, right?
No waking up any earlier
than I have to.
And the peppers wreck
your gut in the morning.
Yeah, that,
and your grandma's bathroom.
Mm, please don't.
- I got bathroom duty.
- Anything substantial?
- No, just a leaky sink.
- Ah. Well, then,
I will be sure to leave
the sink out of it.
- (chuckling)
- Ehh.
You need me to bring
anything up tonight?
No, we should be good.
Just give me a shout
when you're close.
Will do. Oh, I'm excited
to see some trees and water.
You know, my Granna
really likes you.
Changed sheets in the guest room
and everything.
How is jolly old grandma?
Well, she's... family.
You find the courage
to pitch her Shady Aches yet?
- Acres and no, not yet.
- It's still called Shady?
Aches is probably
more appropriate.
Right?
(chuckling)
You know, if she could
be like 90 miles closer,
so I could see her 90% less,
that would be ideal.
What is it?
A two-hour drive?
- And some change.
- So, that's like
five hours of driving
a day, plus van duty.
Ehh. I like audiobooks.
The lengths we'll go to avoid
talking to loved ones.
Yup.
Hey, why don't you get her here,
so you don't have to listen
to audiobooks and shit.
Hmm. I can
get hungover again.
Think of all the long hots
you could eat.
(sighing)
You know what?
By all means,
blow up my Granna's toilet.
I will take you up on that,
but I can shit in the woods.
- JT: You're a bear.
- Oh, that is unbearable.
Well, you just got
to bear with me.
Oh that's my cross to bear.
To bear, yeah, yeah.
And all the while,
we will have to get
our bearings straight...
Okay.
While witnessing
an actual bear.
- Uh... I'm done. No.
- Oh, come on.
You're doing 'beary' good,
JT, 'beary' good.
- (in funny voice) Bear, bear.
- Bear, bear.
(in normal voice)
Bear yourself.
(chuckling)
(straining)
Forty-nine..
(straining)
Fifty.

(phone beeping)
(sighing)
(engine starting)
Narrator (on stereo:)
Book Seven
and Finale of
the "Wizard Wars" Heptalogy.
"Chapter 1:
The moon is full
as the thunderous bellows of
the Fire Clan of wizards
prepare for the inevitable.
With lava-forged iron
boiling an ocean of swords,
the portent clouds under the sun
cast a shadow of war."
(yawning)
"Chapter 23. With an invading
terra-truck caravan,
"Chambers' endurance found an
unlikely alliance
"with the Obsidian Hound
of the Obsidian Desert.
"With trauma in
the footprints of his life,
and a revitalized..."
"Chapter 54. Chambers,
the Grand Iron Wizard,
stood to claim his birthright,
siphoning his
aptitude of struggle
for the sake of
his precarious lineage...
With an invading terra-truck
caravan, Chambers..."
- (knocking)
- (growling, barking)
(growling, barking)
(barking)
(growling)
(barking)
Ha! Too slow you mangy... mother!
Of my mother.
Hey, Granna.
Take this upstairs.
Jeez.
You can start with "hi."
Why you need a "hi?"
Huh.
I see you finished him.
Her.
She was a mama.
Five cubs.
Most he's ever seen.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
My Francis, he hiked eight miles
in Sierra Nevada
with her head and pelt
strapped to his back.
I thought it was illegal to
hunt a mother and her cubs,
not to mention...
(mouthing words)
- Huh?
- I'm saying,
I thought it was illegal,
like you couldn't kill...
- It is.
- Hmm.
Damn, cubs. Sorry.
The brats ate her headless body.
Jesus.
- What? Huh?
- Nothin'.
No, no, no, no, no.
What'd you say?
I didn't really
say anything, Granna.
Get that upstairs.
(barking)
(sighing)
(scoffing)
Not cool, Granpop.
Hey, are you cooking?
Granna...
why... why you cooking?
I brought...
dinner.
- Rufus outside?
- (barking)
(sighing)
Yeah.
Bring him in.
He's fine out there for a while.
Nonsense.
Just go get him.
Granna, Rufus doesn't like me.
So?
Lots of folks don't like you.
What's cooking?
Chicken corn chowder.
Is there any chicken?
Uh-uh. All out.
Well, then,
it's just corn, right?
What?
I'm saying,
if there's no chicken,
isn't it just corn chowder?
Don't be dim.
Don't have no corn.
Go get Rufus.
(growling, barking)
(barking)
You're either getting faster
or I'm getting slow...
Oh, shit!
(barking)
I don't like you.
But you...
Can you actually see with those?
Mm?
You know, Granpop's glasses,
do they actually help you see?
I see enough with them.
Are you sure?
Carl says they'll do.
Who's Carl?
Young man that
gets my groceries.
Oh, well, he would know.
He's in medical school,
getting a bona fide livin'.
Well, I get a bona fide...
Did you look at the sink?
I just got here, Granna.
I just need a minute, okay?
Fine.
It's upstairs.
I know.
Will that knee
let you get up there?
Granna,
I just came from the attic.
Fine.
I know that
knee gives you trouble.
Well, it hasn't
stopped me so far.
(chuckling mirthlessly)
Don't know about that.
Hold on.
Gimme this.
So, where are you?
Here?
Well, here looks good.
All right.
"In the time between heartbeats,
I went from loathing this moment
to carnal anticipation.
'I think I'm going to leave, '
I lied to Philip.
'Of course I know you're
just around the corner,
'but if you'd like a ride, '
Philip said,
as I felt his throbbing phallus
puls... pulsate against
my... moistening thigh.
It was then I knew
I was going to take a ride,
but not the ride
he was suggesting."
I'm gonna go look at the sink.
It's upstairs.
JT: Still?
Okay, yeah, gotcha. All right.
Granna:
Mm.
(sighing)
Sink. Rum.
Rum. Sink.

My dear
Listen here
I know its not
right to see
Fellas losing jobs
and people...
(grunting)
Oh, hey, rum, how you doing?
Mmm.
Ooh, and it's getting
so hard for me to see
The good,
the bad, the ugly
Keep my focus
(chuckling)
And I know sometimes
The world can be
so hard
And reach down deep
to find
The good in your heart
And bring light
to dark
All you need to do is see
That only love
can help us overcome...
(creaking)

Ugh.


Oh, sweet baby Jes...
(screaming)
- (crunching)
- (screaming)
(screaming)
(whimpering)
(whimpering)
That's how we do!
Showed you up!
Oh... Guys, is it bloody?
I think I got him bad.
Did I get him bad?
(breathing heavily)
Is he dead?
I wasn't even aiming.
Oh, man...
(yelping)
(groaning)
(breathing heavily)
Oh my God! Oh!
What is happening?!
- (foot thuds)
- (man gurgling)
Hey, asshole,
I'm gonna need
you to shut the fuck up.
Granna:
What was that?
Uh, nothing, Granna.
- I need to doctor!
- Shh!
Granna:
Did you hear that?
Uh, no, no.
I didn't hear anything.
Did you hear the part
about shutting fucks up?
- (breathing heavily)
- Shh!
- Granna: Is that Rufus?
- Uh, uh...
No, no. It's just, uh...
(whispering:)
Why are we whispering?
I was... I was taking
out the trash,
and I dropped a piece
of garbage on the floor.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna to toss it out.
Granna:
Of course you did.
Man: (yelping) No!
Woman: Come on,
you're almost out...
(all groaning)
Oh!
(sighing)
I really shouldn't
be drunk for this.
(Man coughing)
Oh, God...
(groaning)
Come on, Carl, let's go.
(both groaning)
Carl:
Ted!
(groaning)
Come on!
Pulled down the shade...
(tapping pockets)
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
- (Rufus grumbling)
- (Ted groaning)
Carl:
Oh. Sorry, Ted.
Great idea
on the masks, you dipshit!
Hey, man,
we all agreed on masks,
and we all agreed on the theme.
How about a theme of three
people who can fucking see?!
Carl:
Hey, just hold still, okay?
I'm trying to
remember splint day. Kim?
Kim, do we have any
Popsicle sticks, please?
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, God!
Don't worry.
It's not as bad
as being figuratively
and literally
stabbed in the back!
Kim: Ugh!
I said I was sorry!
You say sorry for spilling sweet
tea, not for stabbing somebody!
- Oh, God!
- Carl: Please hold still.
Nobody get more hurt than this,
because if you do,
I'm gonna be completely lost.
So, what the hell was that?
I thought you said that it was
just a little old lonely lady.
Carl:
It is!
Okay. So,
who's her Terminator dude?
Carl: I don't know.
Maybe a neighbor or something?
What?
Carl:
Maybe a neighbor or something.
- What?!
- Maybe a neighbor or something.
Take off the fucking mask,
so I can hear you!
Maybe a neighbor or something.
Ted: God, we've gotta do this
before Stan gets here.
- No!
- That's not going to happen.
No, we are calling
this whole thing off.
What? Why?
Because the plan
incorporated a little, old lady.
A little, old, lonely lady.
Yeah, not a Terminator dude.
It's just some piney
dropping off moonshine, okay?
We'll be all right.
Really?
Because he ragdolled us.
Yeah, because he had
the element of surprise, Kim.
Plus a 40-pound
surplus of muscle mass.
Mm-hmm.
And probably Satan.
- What?
- Must be his car, right?
- Oh!
- Oh, God.
Give me your hand.
You see that wolf head
and the jar of eyes,
and I'm pretty sure
he was wearing a pentagram.
Think about it.
You're not pretty sure
of anything.
You couldn't see anything 'cause
of the fucking masks, Carl!
Deep in the woods like this?
This is where Satanists
go to have orgies
with goat sluts
and bathe in fetus blood.
Goat sluts?
Goats that are sluts.
Can a... can a goat be a slut?
Kim:
Yes, Ted.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Can we all just cool it with
the slutty goats for a second?
All right? We...
We gotta get out of here
because he's probably
going to call the police.
He can't call the police because
I actually did something right
and I cut the phone cord.
(chuckling)
Carl:
That's, uh...
that's great, yeah.
But uh, it's
probably safe to say
that your satanic
Terminator dude
did not travel back from 1984.
Oh, it's also
probably safe to say
that that's his
fucking phone, Carl!
But...
So, how's your
pornography, Granna?
Mwah!
Oh, you smell like hooch.
Well, a little helps me plumb...
and, you know,
punch homicidal home invaders.
Hmm?
Nothing.
The lavatory better
be ready in time for my bath.
(sighing)
This night won't end well.
(Rufus grunting)
(whimpering)
Okay.
Ammo.
Puzzle pieces.
As...
Puzzle pieces...
Ammo.
Here we go.
(sighing)
Probably gonna die.
(barking, panting)
Hey, Granna.
How's it going?
Gonna start ladling.
All right. Smells good.
I said, smells good.
Okay, I'm gonna go to my car.
And... that's him.
(slurping)
Uh-huh.
Oh shit.
(barking)
Oh shit.
What the fuck?
Man:
Can you believe this?
It's a spit in yer
fuckin' face is what it is.
Language, please.
And this was supposed
to be the down payment gig.
Never send candy-asses
to do a bad-asses job.
There you go again...
Jiminy Christmas!
(laughing)
Okay.
Wow, you're pretty strong.
Emphasis on...
(coughing)
You okay?
You're pointing a gun at me.
Well, yeah, well,
but you know...
(Rufus barking)
(barking)
I gotta go.
(Rufus barking)
- (barking)
- Ha!
That's three for three, you
literal son of a...
bitch.
(laughing) You're gosh darn
right I'm your bitch.
Now, why don't you
come over here
and wrap your lips
around this sweet justice?
'Cause I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
I'm about...
Oh boy, am I gonna put...
No, all right.
Come on, cut it out.
All right, no.
Okay, that's not...
You're... can you...
I could shoot you!
Come on, would you stop?
Just...
I'm gonna...
I could put a hole in you.
Come on, let go.
Oh, mother of pearl!
Did anybody bring any bug spray?
(talking over each other)
Okay, we just have to focus
and stay calm and...
(grunting)
Stan:
Son of a bitch!
Oh...
- (racking gun)
- Stop!
Oh, I've got mouths to feed.
Chowder N-O-W.
Does anyone know
what's happening?
- (mosquito buzzing)
- Stan, are you okay?
Boy, sure am hungry.
Huh?
Hungry.
Stop mumbling so much.
Looks good.
Granna,
you ever think about moving?
Huh?
You know, living somewhere else.
Moving?
Yeah, yeah.
You know,
somewhere more comfortable.
I am comfortable.
Oh, maybe I should
say more convenient.
What are you getting at?
Well, it's just you're just so
far away from grocery stores,
doctors,
cell service, restaurants...
police.
Huh?
I mean, what if
there's... an emergency?
Like what?
Well, what if you
fall down the stairs?
Well, you'd help me.
But... but Granna,
what if I'm not around?
Well, why wouldn't you be?
Are you okay?
Granna,
it's just that... it's just...
It's a lot to get here.
Oh.
So...
it's inconvenient for you.
That's what you're getting at.
No!
I am inconvenient.
- Granna!
- Yeah.
Well, I'm not about
to leave here.
All of Francis' stuff is here.
And I'm not going south,
like your mother.
- My mother?
- Mm-hmm.
You mean your daughter?
She just up and
left us here to die,
for all she knows.
When I do die,
it's going to be here in my bed.
In our bed, Francis.
What?
Granna, that's not
what I mean. It's not...
- All right.
- Now, why are you jabbering?
Nothing, nothing...
You know.
But you might get your wish.
I'll be back.
I'm not a bad shot.
Ted:
Uh, how... how not bad?
I've got a ribbon.
Ted: So?
It's a marksmanship ribbon.
It's not fancy, but it means
I'm officially not a bad shot.
All right.
Well, damn!
That is, uh...
it's not bad.
Both hands.
I'd love to, but, um, I was...
stabbed earlier!
Oh, yeah, right.
Listen, buddy, we can...
We can make this
real easy for you.
Uh, we can make this real easy
for everyone if you just leave.
Or you can leave
with your grandma.
Or you can get shot
with your own gun.
It's actually Stan's gun.
But all right, message received.
Buddy, we just want to ransack
something inside
the house real quick.
What's inside the house?
You can even hang on to the gun.
You and your grandma,
you can sit on the porch,
and... and we'll go in there,
and we'll do our business.
It'll take 45 minutes max.
Huh? And then,
we'll get out of your hair.
We'll even clean up
after ourselves.
Okay.
I can hold on to the gun?
Sure, man, yeah.
You can hang on to the gun.
Look, we'll
congregate out front, huh?
And you and your grandma can set
yourself up with some sweet tea.
We'll get inside there,
we'll do our business,
and we'll get outta your hair
because the last thing
that we want
is for anyone else to get hurt.
(whooshing, thudding)
Jan:
Oh, shit.
Nice shot, Jan!
Just go help.
(muffled yelling)
(cackling)
How's that marksmanship ribbon
working out for you now, fucker?
(cackling)
(muffled yelling)
On it. I'm kinda excited
to get the granny!
It's like a final boss,
you know what I mean?
(growling)
(whimpering)
Stan!
(Rufus barking)
Stan?
That's a good dog.
How you doing?
- (barking)
- You... you good?
- (barking)
- Oh, good boy!
- That's a good boy!
- (barking)
Stan?
Who's... who's a good boy?
- (barking)
- Who's a good boy?
- Yes, he is.
- (Rufus barking)
- (barking)
- (yelping)
(snarling)
Oh! Oh, God! Oh my God!
(yelping)
Stan! Stan!
- (growling)
- (Ted screaming)
(screaming)
Stan! Stan!
(yelping)
(growling)
Rufus? Simmer down.
Oh... fuck!
(growling)
Oh my God!
(Ted screaming)
Fuck! Stan!
Out of the fucking way!
Get your ass... (screaming)
(snarling)
(Stan screaming)
- (Rufus growling)
- (screaming)
(screaming)
Granna:
Rufus!
Come on, hush up now.
(Rufus howling)
(groaning)
(breathing heavily)
That was bad.
(breathing heavily)
(Rufus growling)
What?
Oh, please no.
What did I tell you?
Rufus, what's with
all the racket?
We're just roughhousing
a little bit.
Oh. All right, then.
- He's being nice.
- Granna: Course he is.
I wasn't talking about him.
Now, let's get you a treat.
- Hm?
- I'm not that hungry, Granna.
How about a turkey neck?
Come on.
(Rufus whines)
All right, baby.
(sighing)
Wonder if I killed that guy.
Holy mother of cunt!
What the hell
happened in there?!
Well, it seems the dog in there
has become quite territorial.
He knows, shit-stick,
he was there!
It was one guy!
And an old lady, and a dog!
Hey, Stan, you wouldn't happen
to have my laces, would you?
(cracking)
Honey, be careful!
It's my back!
Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
Okay, okay.
What was he
saying about ribbons?
It's, uh,
marksmanship or something?
Something marksmanship?
The military issues marksmanship
ribbons if you're exemplary.
- You think he served?
- He checked the chamber when
he got ahold of the rifle and
keeps his finger on the guard.
Why didn't we know about this?
That explains his resilience.
Oh, it's not
resilience; it's luck.
I had him on the ropes
before the dog assist!
Okay, fine.
Yeah, but his, um,
good luck streak
is continuously getting
us all injured.
And I am running
dangerously low on gauze,
and I have but one
baby aspirin pill left,
and I used my last
Popsicle stick on...
Might be time
to call in the McDougals.
- Oh, fuck that.
- What's a McDougal?
The type of family that
would say yes to this job.
No. And you will
never meet them,
because I am not splitting any
more of this job with anyone.
Monday, I've got to put
20% down on...
Fuck this five ways from Sunday.
Six ways.
Six ways from Sunday.
We're not calling nobody,
because there ain't nobody
in my family better
suited for this.
I'm the guy you call!
And if he was gonna shoot a guy,
he'd have shot a guy.
Billy, you didn't have a
concussion eight minutes ago.
Yeah, and you had all your
teeth nine minutes ago, so...
Fuck you both!
Do you have any idea
what he has in there?
No, because your
hillbilly run-on sentences
are really hard to understand,
and now you don't have any...
Pam and I'll sneak in through
the roof and grab the grandma.
When he drops the gun,
I'll shove it up his ass!
With his ribbon.
Bill, please, come on.
Just slow your roll.
We've got an ace up our sleeve.
Kim's hiding out in there.
Yeah, she, uh, slunk in
with us through the, uh...
Kim:
Someone help catch me!
Stan:
window.
(chuckling)
What was that about your ace?
Oh, it hurts more when I walk...
- Jan: Yeah, yeah.
- Stan: I tell ya that.
JT: If they're resorting
to a bow and arrow,
I'm pretty sure that
we've got their only gun.
Plus, you know,
we did some serious damage
to their "toughs",
especially that one guy.
(Rufus whining)
But what the hell do we do now?
I mean, do we start killing 'em?
I don't really want to.
I mean, they're kind of pitiful
and...
I've been drinking.
Plus, I had eye contact
with that one goon,
and that was
kind of nice, right?
(sighing)
But you know,
it's not like they're not not
trying to kill us and Granna.
And I'm pretty sure that one guy
was about to make
a homophobic slur
before I kicked
the living shi... Rufus?
(Rufus barking, growling)
Rufus! Rufus!
- (Rufus snarling)
- Rufus!
Rufus!
Rufus, what are you
doing in the bathroom...
Oh shit!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Go outside!
Outside, man.
(stammering)
Go outside!
Outside!
Outside's the place to die.
Outside!
(stammering)
Come on. Go ahead.
Come on. Come on.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Not in here! Not in here!
God damn it!
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, this is gross!
Fuck! Oh! Oh, God,
this is so fucked up.
This is so fucked up.
Everything's okay. It's okay.
(muttering)
- (gurgling)
- (JT stammering)
(groaning)
(stammering)
- Ride the tiger
- (gurgling)
You can see his stripes
but you know he's clean
Oh, don't you
see what I mean
Gotta get away
(gurgling)
- Holy diver...
- (gurgling continuing)
Yeah
- Guess he's...
- (gurgling)
You seem pleased with yourself.
(barking)
He was trying to kill us, so...
it's not really murder.
- But it's...
- (gurgling)
Oh, shit.
He's starting again.
- (stammering)
- (gurgling)
Like shiny diamonds
Like the eyes of a cat
in the black and blue
Something is coming
for you
Look out
Ride the... to the morning
Sing to the...
Something in the...
- (gurgling quietly)
- (Rufus barks)
Mm-hmm.
(thudding upstairs)
Hey!
You up there?
(hairdryer whirring)
Hey, what are you doing?
You taking a bath?
No, no, Granna.
You running one for me?
Yes, yes I am.
I knew you wanted
to take a bath,
so I figured
I'd get you started.
Oh. Well, all right then.
All right.
Why are you wearing his robe?
It's almost bedtime,
so I figured I would
relax in a robe and pants.
Uh-huh.
It's just comfy.
Why is the water red?
It's just the way
of the soap, Granna.
It's... you know, it's like the...
Oh yeah, um...
the raspberry mountain berry.
Red... red, like a berry.
Were you talking about that...
That raspberry raspberry?
- No. Never mind.
- JT: Yeah.
Did you finish the sink?
No, no, Granna,
but I will finish it
first thing in the morning.
It's just become a little
more tricky than I thought.
Fine, I suppose.
Yeah, you know, Granny,
I was thinking that maybe
we can play some, um...
Some rummy later,
after your bloodbath... bath.
- Bath.
- Rummy?
Mm-hmm.
Now, we haven't played
rummy for years.
Yeah, so why not just
start it back up, you know?
Kind of like the old days.
Yeah.
Well, I'll see how I'm feeling.
Okay, uh, Granna, you mind if I,
uh, leave Rufus in here with you
for a little while?
That's fine.
Okay.
(Quietly) Hey, if anyone other
than me comes in here,
you fucking decimate them
with extreme prejudice.
- You copy?
- (whimpering)
Right the fuck on.
Granna, enjoy your blaaath.
Granna is literally bathing
in the blood of mine enemies.

(grunting)
(squealing) Aah! Stop!
Stop! Stop!
JT: Oh, it's you.
(groaning)
Jesus.
(grunting, thudding)
What?
What was that?
(groaning)
You've had worse.
It's not localized to my ass.
How's your back?
It's fine, surprisingly.
All right,
the McDougals are on standby,
but their price point is
fucking ridiculous.
(stammering)
How much does freeze-dried
survival cheese cost?
Pam and Bill are
trying something first.
We'll just... we'll wait
and see how that goes.
I've never actually seen Bill
accomplish anything, have you?
No, he's pretty
damn incompetent.
Pam, though...
Stop! Stop!
Undefeated amateur kickboxer.
Straight up killer.
But it's on the ground
where they're dangerous.
Second degree
jiu-jitsu black belt?
Something like that.
JT: Oh, shit!
(crunching)
(grunting)
(yelping)
Walking embodiment of overkill.
- Aah!
- And all those tours overseas.
Fuck, man. Who knows what
you'd pick up over there.
(grunting)
(Pam coughing)
- (Stan yelps)
- Lot of people don't realize
how much blood is in the ass.
(grunting)
Ah, sweet mother,
drugs and speed.

(grunting)

Fuck it.
(JT yelling)
- (railing snapping)
- (both grunting)
See. You're barkin'
for nothin'.
(both grunting, wheezing)
Hey.
This is where we met.
Go fuck yourself.
(grunting)
Semper fi?
Sua sponte, Ranger Batt.
(grunting)
You?
One tour Iraq, two Afghanistan.
Huh.
Right on.
You?
One tour, Kosovo.
- Pam: No shit.
- Yeah.
JT: (grunting)
Ooh.
Ooh!
(grunting)
You look good.
Thanks.
You should see me
sans home invasion.
Ow.
(grunting)
Yeah.
Same here.
Well, I'll see you around.
(coughing)
Carl: I don't know.
I think I heard something...
(gasping)
Oh, God.
What is happening?
Drop him.
Despite your poor aim,
I prefer my chances
with this guy.
Hey.
(stammering) Um, does
he have a knife?
I feel something kinda knifey.
He's got a knife.
It's a piece of wood
from when I was defenestrated.
You have to go through
a window to be defenestrated.
You can't be defenestrated
from a balcony?
- It has to be a window.
- Defenestrated?
- Pam, you okay?
- Kind of.
- Oh, so your name's Pam, huh?
- Not now.
Just let him go
so he can off into the woods.
What?
No, it's tick season.
Um, Jan, can you please
just, like, lower the bow?
It's not that
I don't trust you. It's just...
You do look like
you're struggling.
Well, he's got a knife
against your throat.
What? I thought it was
a piece of wood
from when he was defenestrated.
Well, you know, Pam,
he said "defenestrated,"
and I would think that...
What the fuck is happening?
God! My arm.
Does it matter?
He's trying to slice
your fucking throat open.
(grunting)
You know, contrary to you guys,
I'm not actually trying
to hurt any...
(bones cracking)
body.
(Carl panting)
Guys, why is everyone
quiet all a sudden?
All right, everyone back off,
or I'll fucking end this guy.
Carl: Oh, God!
Please help me, God!
Please help me, God!
(breathing deeply)
Meh.
Yeah.
How much was backup again?
- (breathing deeply)
- (groaning)
Fucking guy.
All right, you.
Please don't hurt me.
I will saw your head off and
toss it outside to your friends
if you don't start
filling me in on what's going...
Granna:
Jasper?
Uh, Granna, uh, don't come in...
Who's that?
Uh, Granna, this is, um...
Carl!
Hey, Mrs. Terwilliger.
Well, what are you doin' here?
Did I forget an order
or somethin'?
No.
No, no, no.
Um, I was just
in the neighborhood,
and...
I just wanted
to check up on you.
Oh, that's very sweet of you.
But I'm fine.
Jasper, this is Carl
that I was I tellin' you about.
And, Carl,
that's my grandson, Jasper.
Jasper.
Grocery-getting, med school,
"bona fide living" Carl?
Well...
(yawning)
I better be on my way.
Nonsense.
Now, we just made
some chowder, if you'd like,
and Jasper and I
were gonna play rummy.
Join us.
Oh, I wouldn't wanna impose,
and plus, I have plans...
(grunting)
Nonsense.
There's chowder.
(breathing unsteadily)
Okay, yeah.
That sounds lovely.
I'll warm up a bowl.
- Carl: Thank you.
- (chuckling)
(grunting)
(gasping)
Oh, oh, shit balls!
You... are so very,
very strong, sir.
Ted:
Well, that's a wrap.
Stan: I saw what he did there.
I saw what he did.
Kim: Are we gonna have enough
for the high priest
and his old lady?
(Stan laughing)
- Stan?
- Mm.
- (slurping)
- Are we gonna have enough?
Ah, well, I mean...
I...
Sorry.
I'm a little lightheaded.
And is there something else
that we should be doing?
This is my first body disposal.
I don't... I mean, if I...
I don't know.
I can... uh, I can...
Like, how... Honey, do we have
any bubble wrap?
Yeah, look, if his family don't
want him to fertilize corn,
he can be the gooey center
of a scrap metal cube.
I mean, really,
it's what Bill would've wanted.
(laughing)
My man.
(panting)
All right, they're on their way.
Oh, God.
The cut's not even
gonna be enough.
Jan:
What choice do we have?
I mean, we're at a point here
where we need to start
prioritizing covering
our dog-gnawed asses,
so if we gotta do another job,
we do another job.
It's almost spring!
Sorry, Bug, maybe you have
to wait another year, or...
Stan: No, don't...
Don't.
No, don't even go...
Don't say that.
I can't wait.
We don't even have a month!
Oh, I...
That was my inside voice.
Glad the employees didn't
hear that.
Well, I mean, in the case of
payout distribution, at least,
um, at least Bill's dead.
Good point, good point.
Oh, fuck.
Carl.
I don't even wanna think about
what they're
doing to him in there.
Okay, well, we gotta get him
back in one piece
or Mom's gonna kill us.
(music playing)

(Carl feigning chuckling)
(clearing throat)
Thank you for the soup,
Mrs. Terwilliger.
Hm?
Um, thank you for the soup...
Oh, of course, sweetness.
(chuckling)
(spoon clinking on bowl)

What... what kind of soup
would you say this was?
Huh?
What kind of soup
would you say this was?
Chicken corn chowder.
Don't be so dim, Jasper.
There's no chicken, or corn.
JT:
Right, how dim of me.
Granna: So...
(chuckling)
Carl, how's school?
Uh, you know, challenging.
And... and you're still workin'
with your brother and sister
to help with money?
Carl: Um... helps pay
those student loans.
(laughing nervously)
Oh, isn't that sweet?
(laughing)
(fake laughing)
Oh, how sweet.
Hm, so, med school.
That does sound...
challenging.
I bet the pressure must have you
dead to rights, huh?
- Yes, sir.
- Mm.
But a killer opportunity.
Uh-huh.
With what must be
a murderous schedule.
Weird choices of words,
but sure, yeah, uh-huh.
Well...
(chuckling)
I'm just so excited
about our rummy.
(laughing)
Come on.
Eat up.
(Rufus whining)
- (bowl clunking on table)
- Ah!
So, it's like gin.
I could swear that's rum.
No.
The card game, rummy.
It's like the card game gin.
Oh.
Yeah.
Card game.
You looked confused.
Well...
I think
I was a little distracted
by the thought of having my head
"sawed off and tossed
to my friends."
Oh.
Sorry about that.
Oh, it's okay.
I was just tryin' to be scary.
- Mission accomplished.
- Mm.
(dishes clinking in kitchen)
She's oblivious to the burglary?
JT: Yes.
And "burglary"?
Carl: Yeah.
And, how?
Dumb luck I guess, and I figured
you guys were goin' for
full-fledged homicide?
Well, now they are I guess,
but we really
just wanted to burgle.
What about the mask and knives?
That was Ted's idea...
scare tactics.
But you...
you, sir,
are so much better at it.
Well, thank you,
but that was just a front.
Carl: Oh.
(laughing) Well, you...
you sure fooled us.
(laughing)
(sighing)
Do... do you want me
to take a look at that for you?
The med school story
wasn't a front.
(JT sighing)
So what?
- Student loans?
- Oh, no.
I'm a dropout, but I... I do know
my way around a laceration.
What?
Sibling home invaders?
Um, Ted, Kim,
and I have been doing
the grocery
delivery service scam
for about a year now.
So, you case out old folks
and then rob them?
Well, not all of them.
Just the ones with valuables
and copper pipes.
I really should fix that sink.
Sink?
So, what about
the other assholes?
Look, I really am threatened
and all,
but I just don't
feel comfortable divulging...
(gasping)
Good aim.
I missed.
Oh.
(coughing)
(sighing)
The married couple out there
own a scrapyard.
Are they somehow your parents?
No.
God, no.
- Good.
- Jan's my aunt.
Fuck.
So we would take photographs
of the place
we were staking out,
and they would break down
what's valuable,
and strip the place clean
when the elderly
were out of the house.
But Granna's never gone.
Well, that is probably because
of her selfless grandson,
Jasper.
Tread lightly there, Carl.
Fair enough.
So, what about... Pam?
Local muscle, I guess.
Stan and Jan
organize operations like this
all over the place.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, life and death
are on the line.
- I know.
- For copper?
Well...
it's mostly for the bear.
What?
Carl:
There he is.
JT:
What about him?
And I think it's a her.
Either way,
that is a California grizzly.
So and...
They're extinct, and if
our information is correct,
she's the last one.
Not cool, Grandpop.
Carl: Plus the pelt,
and the head,
and the photographic evidence?
Oh... (laughing)
Easy sell.
So, you're saying
this bear stuff is...
Priceless.
Even with those big,
beautiful, googly eyes.
At least that's what Bill said.
Bill?
Yeah, angry guy,
kinda looks like
if a trailer had a human boy
with a pickup truck.
Red bandana.
Oh, yeah.
Uh...
Oh, he went absolutely
ass-buck-wild
when he got a gander
at this thing.
He was the expert.
Emphasis on "was."
Oh.
Hm.
(trashcan closing)
Looks like we've got
an audience.
Oh, man.
They are really
pilin' up out there.
- Think it'll work?
- Work? (laughing)
There has not been a single plan
today that has come even
remotely close to
the solar system of worked.
Gotcha.
So we're overdue?
I'm more in the neighborhood
of "Why start now?"
- (Rufus whining)
- Hm.

I don't know about this, Rufus.
(Rufus whining)
Hm.
They'll kick
your slobbery mug out
with just one look at ya.
(Rufus whining)
This stays here.
You ready?
No, not really.
Should you really be drinking
that right now?
No, of course not.
Granna.
Hey, Granna.
I'm gonna show Carl
around outside.
We'll be back in a bit
for some cards.
- Okay.
- All right.
Love you, Granna.
Yeah.
All right.
I'll be back.
Love you too, Jasper.
Let's go.
Ted: Hit a guy
in the head with that?
(indistinct conversation)
(Ted laughing)
(people chattering)
Carl:
Okay, okay.
Ted (chuckling):
Let me hit that, dude.
Ted:
And... that's him.
Okay, why are there
so many of you?
Well, meet the McDougals.
They, uh, were a little hesitant
to join our rodeo,
'til killing their cousin
put a fire under 'em.
Well, first of all,
I didn't kill their cousin.
Rufus the dog
killed their cousin.
- Bill's dead?
- Shh.
And secondly, hello,
self-defense.
You're trying to kill us.
Yeah, not initially, cockhead!
We are now!
Well, not if I kill you first!
You and what army?
Oh, like you
and your gaggle of ass-buckets
have been doin' such
an awesome job up until now.
Fuck you, Solomon Grundy!
Fuck you, Alfred E. Neuman!
- Guys, come on! Guys!
- Alfred E. Neuman?
- Who is Alfred E. Neuman?
- Apparently your father.
Jan:
Stop, everyone, shut up.
Stan: I had you on the ropes
until you went Cujo.
Until I pummeled you
into sublission.
Jan:
Everyone, shut the fuck up!
- That's not even a word.
- Stan: Bring it!
Don't you even try to blame me
for your bad life decisions,
Ned Flanders.
Oh, you think you're so tall!
Everyone, shut the fuck up!
Sorry.
(clearing throat)
All right,
I see you came out here
with the intention
of bargaining.
- I have.
- So, have at it.
Okay.
After some light interrogation,
I've come to the realization
that the treasure you seek
is this bear shit.
More or less, yeah.
Well, you can have it.
And Carl here.
And Carl?
Hold that thought.
(whispering)
I think we should ask for more.
Jan: Let me just...
Let me just do this, okay?
No. That's just me.
It's just me.
Let me do this.
Just me.
(slurping)
JT:
How we doin'?
Oh, we are definitely
going to die.
- Over my dead body.
- What?
Jan:
All right!
Are we?
Okay, so here's the deal.
We're still gonna need
to ransack the house, but, uh,
hey, you and Grandma,
and the pooch there,
can wait in the car
'til we're done.
What?
Why? What? For copper?
Jewelry, cast iron,
cash in mattresses,
any beadwork,
that kind of thing.
What?
No. Why?
Listen, meathead.
You see everyone here?
They're all gettin' a cut.
So, while your offer
may have made sense
when it was just
the seven of us,
you have diluted
the revenue to fuck all.
Oh, bullshit!
Just take the bear stuff and go.
Look, I don't even know anything
other than you...
you own a scrapyard,
and your names are Jan and Stan.
- Well, fuck me.
- Fuckin' hat.
How did he...
I mean, unless it's called
"Jan and Stan's Scrap"
or something?
No, you got it right.
It's... it's Stan and Jan's...
It's "Stan and Jan's," but it's
a bit of a work in progress.
It's neither here nor there.
Now!

(yelling)
(grunting)

(neck cracking)
The night
has a thousand eyes
(all grunting)
(light switch clicking)
(sighing)
(Rufus barking)
- It's all right, Rufus.
- (Rufus barking)
Stay there.
I'll be down in a minute.
(Rufus whining)

(sighing)

Hm.

(laughing)

(laughing)
(sighing deeply)

- (grunting)
- (bones cracking)


(grunting)

(screaming)


(screaming)




(grunting)
(grunting)

Come on, big boy.


(grunting)

(grunting)







Oh.
(groaning)
(grunting)
Sure.
Go ahead.
It... it's yours.
- JT: What was I...
- (Stan slurping)
JT:
What was I thinking?
That I could...
could stop this?
That I could
fight you all off, huh?
(laughing)
I should've known
I... I would fail.
(panting)
That I can't
accomplish anything.
(panting)
That I can't...
do anything.
Go ahead.
Ransack my Granna's house,
'cause I'll just...
I'll just lay here.
'Cause I can't finish anything.
My God.
He's not human.
I'll just lay here, okay?
'Cause I can't keep
my Granna safe.
Go ahead.
'Cause I can't...
(grunting)
stand on this...
godforsaken bum knee.
- No way.
- JT: Go.
'Cause I sure as hell
can't grit my teeth...
(neck cracking)
..and crack my neck,
and break every one
of your fuckin' faces!
(yelling)
The night
tells a thousand lies
(grunting)
And when you wake up
in the morning
Were you dreaming
Screaming
Tryin' to hide
your broken heart
Before somebody
cuts it all away
Sunset Superman
(panting)
(Rufus barking)
(man screaming)
McDougals.
Sunset Superman
Meet my brother, Rufus.
(Rufus growling)
- I'll meet you inside.
- (Rufus barking)
Why in the hell
is this happening?
- Sunset Superman
- I don't know anymore.
Satan.
He did say something
about bathing in blood.
(Rufus barking)
- Really?
- (Rufus barking)
Yeah.
Oh-oh,
Sunset Superman
Why the hell
aren't you in there?
(Rufus barking)
Oh, fuck you.
(Rufus growling)
(Barking)
Fuck you all.
Sunset Superman
(grunting)
Sunset Superman,
Sunset Superman
Sunset Superman
Sunset Superman
Superman
I will shatter
every one of my bones
just as long
as they shatter yours!
Sunset Superman
Sunset
Superman
Oh-oh-oh
(grunting)
Anybody can,
anybody can
You don't have to go home,
but you've got to get the fuck
out of my granna's house.
Now!
Oh-oh
Sunset Superman
Sunset
Superman
Sunset Superman
- JT: Rufus?
- (Rufus barking)
Sunset Superman,
Sunset Superman
Sunset Superman
Sunset Superman,
Sunset Superman
Sunset Superman
Holy shit.
Sunset Superman
JT: Granna!
Sunset Superman,
Sunset Superman
JT: Granna!
Sunset Superman,
Sunset Superman...
Granna!
Granna: Sweet Jesus!
What?
Granna, where are you?
Granna:
What?
Gr... Are you okay?
Granna:
What?!
Oh, the goddamn hearing aid.
Granna, are you okay?
Granna: Simmer down.
I'm in the attic.
- I'll be down in a minute.
- (laughing)
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
Granna: Oh, that child's
gonna be the death of me.
(sighing)
Rufus, she was in the attic.
Ah, oh, God.
I'm so tired.
I have never been this tired.
(sighing)
(whining)
We just beat up like...
What?
Like 12, 20 guys?
I am going to be sore.
I know.
Dogs can get sore.
Yeah, and don't think
I didn't notice you being
a tough little ragamuffin.
I almost cried
when you came to my rescue.
When you were like...
(imitating growling)
(laughing)
Yeah.
I don't think I killed anybody,
but I can't speak
for some dogs in the room.
(laughing)
But yeah, that was...
that dope, mm.
So, you give it up.
Give it up.
Right here.
Well, yeah, I know dogs
can't make a fist,
but you were scary.
- (whining)
- You were so scary. Oh, me?
Oh, you saw me
body slam that guy?
Yeah, you know, it's what I do.
You know, I threw him down.
I heard somethin' go click.
I think I broke his clavicle,
but, you know...
My knee?
Yeah. It'll be fine.
Yeah, you're right.
(laughing)
Fuckin' nuts today.
Right?
Fuckin' nuts.
(laughing)
- (Rufus whining)
- Yeah.
What?
Agreed.
I love you too, buddy.
Love you too.
I know.
I know.
Yeah.
I'm pretty drunk.
(Rufus whining)

(yelling)
(groaning)
Ow, oh, God!
(both grunting)
Oh, this is gonna hurt.
Ow!
(Stan grunting weakly)
Oh.
Fuck, man.
I just wanted
to be on the water, you know?
I... (laughing meekly)
It's funny.
I thought I lost that knife.
(laughing meekly)
Oh!
Well, one thing is for certain,
there's not a spec
of give-up in you.
Ah! No, no, no.
- (crowd gasping)
- Jan: No!
- (grunting)
- Jan: No, no, no, no, no.
Oh!
Ooh!
- Bug, Bug?
- Oh, this is bad.
- You okay?
- This is bad!
- Oh.
- It's my back.
- Yeah, I get that.
- But this is bad.
It's okay. We're gonna get you
to a hospital.
This is...
Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh and we were just so close.
We were so close to puttin'
that 20 percent down.
Well, sweetheart, maybe we'll
just settle for the 17-footer.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know if that's
gonna be enough boat.
- I don't...
- (back cracking)
(Stan screaming)
Jeez!
(grunting)
Hey, don't.
Don't get up.
Yeah?
Why?
Oh, uh...
Carl.
You're comin' with me.
Back off!
- Oh, yeah?
- I'll do it.
Come on, kid.
We've come this far.
Hey, don't think that I won't!
- You won't.
- Don't!
Look at me.
Give me the gun.
Now.
All right, Carl.
Come on.
You fucking idiot.
Now, we're just gonna...
(gun firing)
(whimpering)
Oh!
Oh.
(yelling)
Oh, go home.
For fuck's sake.
Go home.
I'm done!
We're done here.
Aren't you exhausted?
(car pulling up)
Go the fuck... Hey, Trent.
Home.
W-What is happening?
Who are these people?
Just go inside.
I'll explain later.
Are you okay?
(sighing)
A little help, man.
- Okay, okay.
- Little help.
(grunting)
Go.
It's all right.
Go.
It's okay.
Go.
Carl, no! Don't go!
Just...
Carl, I need your help!
What the fuck?
- (breathing heavily)
- (whimpering and crying)
Oh, God.
JT: Well, you missed
one Hell of an evening.
Ted: Do something!
It was almost too much to bear.
Ted: Do something!
(whimpering and crying)
All right, I guess
I'll just, uh...
(sighing)
Mom's gonna be pissed.
(grunting)
Oh, shit.
Carl, could you help Rufus?
What happened?
Stan whacked him.
On it.
Trent: Oh, my God.
What the hell happened?
Carl will fill you in.
But do you need me
to call the police?
No, no, no.
I'll see you in a minute.
(grunting)
Oh, boy, Rufus.
Ah, man.
Hey.
Hey.
Trent.
Carl.
(JT grunting)
(sighing)

(footsteps approaching)
Granna:
I remember that.
Yeah.
Found it in the attic.

(sighing)
How we doin'?
(chuckling)
Well, Granna, I'm...
I'm doin' a little rough.
Yeah?
What's got you down?
(sighing)
A lotta things, I guess, Granna.
Is it your knee?
A little.
Well, we'll fix it again
if we have to.
Okay.
I, uh...
I think I'm unfair to you,
Jasper.
Oh, no, Granna.
You're not.
Yeah, I am.
It's just, uh...
How do I explain it?
You see,
when your grandpop died,
everything got so quiet.
And I began to think
that people forget about me.
And I guess I hound you with it.
Oh, Granna, it's...
(sighing)
I just...
Um, is this...
Is this what you were
getting at earlier?
Shady Acres?
Oh.
Oh, no.
Granna, just... It's okay.
I just... You could stay.
Yeah, but now I don't know
if it's good for me to stay.
Really?
It's just...
It gets hard here.
But... But Granna, this is...
this is your home.
No, baby.
Not for quite a while.
The only time
it feels like it...
is when you're here.
Really?
Mm-hm.
But, oh...
(laughing)
oh, goodness.
You can't even fix a sink
without hurtin' yourself and...
And callin' for help.
What's a granna supposed to do?

Yep.
(Rufus barking)
Rufus!
What about him?
(Rufus barking)
Granna: Oh!
(laughing)
There's my good boy.
- Carl: Hey, Mrs. Terwilliger.
- Oh.
- Mm?
- Trent: Mrs. T.
Well, Trent,
when did you get in?
Oh, just a couple minutes ago.
- (laughing)
- Oh.
Well, you gotta stop
bein' a stranger.
We miss you around here.
(whispering)
What happened?
Hm?
Oh!
Uh, well, you had some
military-grade superglue
for some reason,
so, I glued his gash shut.
He just got knocked out.
He'll be fine, I think.
Superglue?
I mean, I'm not a vet, but yeah.
Dogs get knocked out,
and just like humans,
you glue that shit
back together.
Uh, are we all ready for rummy?
Why the hell not?
'Scuse me?
Who are you?
I, um...
Granna.
This is... Pam.
Came with, uh, with Trent.
So, why does Pam have the bear?
Uh, just wanted to show off
your great work.
It's nice.
- Granna: Hm.
- Good job.
(laughing)
Are you stayin' for cards?
- Oh, um...
- Yeah?
Cards?
Okay.
Well, all right.
Come on, now.
- (laughing)
- (wincing)
Granna: Yes.
(laughing)
Uh, can you, uh, fill me in?
(wincing)
I will while you drive me
to the hospital in the morning.
You know, we could go,
like, now?
Nah, nah, nah.
Wait 'til
the front yard clears up
and Granna goes to bed.
Okay.
Shmear?
Shmear.
(grunting)
How are you still alive?
I think the fourth concussion
offset the first three.
Pam.
- Jasper.
- Really?
Company.
- Yeah...
- (Rufus whining)
Oh, hey, buddy.
Wow.
- Okay, this is...
- (tooth clattering on table)
- Okay.
- Wow.
I'll deal.
Sunset Superman
Sunset Superman,
Sunset Superman
Sunset Superman
Sunset Superman,
Superman
Oh-oh-oh
Sunset Superman
Sunset
Superman
Sunset Superman