Don't Talk to Irene (2017) Movie Script

Narrator: They say
the key to success
is to look
into the future
and visualize what you
want to become.
But some creatures are perfect
just the way they are,
even if no one
knows it yet.
Your name
is Veronica.
It's nice to meet you,
Sarah: Is that Irene
in the dumpster?
She's so weird.
Narrator: This is
Irene Willis.
She's fifteen years old
and lives in Canada,
which is the country Thelma
and Louise would be living in
if they decided
to drive North.
Irene Willis lives
in Parc, Ontario,
the most insignificant
geographical location
in North America.
Just one hour
north of Toronto.
Close enough to know
what you're missing,
but far enough
to never get there.
It was no fluke that the local
high school was built
right next to
the local retirement home,
which was built right beside
the local funeral home.
That's because the people
who live in Parc are lazy.
I wish I could
be like you.
You get to grow wings and
fly away from this town.
Narrator: Parc, Ontario is also
the 'shitty plaza' capital
of the world.
If you want to find a place
where no one would want to shop,
you'll find it
right here in town.
Veronica, girls like us
need to stick together.
Lydia: Flush it.
Goodbye, Veronica.
Narrator: Irene's mom, Lydia,
is the type of mother
who makes her daughter
murder her only friend.
But she wasn't always
like this.
Kick! Kick!
Sixteen years ago, Lydia Willis
was captain of the cheer squad
at Parc High, but it got
her into a bit of trouble.
One little incident involving a
lack of birth control
and nine months later,
little Irene was pushed out
into a world that...
it would seem...
would never
accept her.
Lydia knows first hand
how mean kids can be,
so she takes overprotection
to the next level.
Irene is not allowed
to watch T.V.,
surf the internet,
or even own a cell phone.
This girl isn't just unpopular,
she's the biggest loser in all
of Parc's
teenaged history.
And 5, 6, 7, 8.
Step-touch, step-touch.
And up, and up.
Narrator: But this year
at school,
things are going
to be different.
Shake left, again.
Step-touch, step...
Screw Mom.
I'm gonna
be a cheerleader!
Something in the room
that catches my eye
The shadow of a lover
goes dancing by
Looking for a little bit
of love to grow, so
Give me love,
give me heart and soul
You never let me cross
to the other side, now
I'm tied to the hope
that you will somehow
Hard on the heels
of something more
But I lost your love,
heart and soul
The tear in my heart
as you walk on by
I feel so low
and your head is high
Everything you do
convinces me more
Please, give me love,
give me heart and soul
Looking to the day
when I saw your face
I wasn't in the running,
I wasn't in the race
You moved in a way
that I've known before
Now I want your love,
heart and soul
Leaving you ain't
easy now
Loving you's
the harder part
You never want me
for myself
Now I've needed you
right from the very start
Oh won't you
even try to
Give a little bit
of heart and soul
Give a little bit
of love to grow
Give a little bit
of heart and soul
And don't you make me
beg for more
Give a sign
I need to know
A little bit
of heart and soul
Walking on the water,
walking on the air
That was the heart
of the love we shared
Do you keep secret
left untold
Can't give love,
heart or soul
I used to have a lover
with a Midas touch
I turned to gold,
but he turned to dust
I'm gonna do it, Geena.
I'm gonna
be a cheerleader!
Geena: You know what else
you're going to do this year?
Geena: You're
going to date a jock.
Irene: But the only girls
who date jocks
are popular
and in style.
That's not me.
Geena: You're
a trailblazer
and trailblazers
have never been in style.
They walk their own path
and then others follow.
When I was your age, I was so
self-conscious about my height.
I wanted
to hide.
Good thing
I didn't hide, right?
Geena: In the world
Irene exists in,
I, Geena Davis,
am God.
And as her god, I have only
one commandment:
Thou shalt
not quit!
[alarm buzzing]
[alarm ringing]
The door was closed,
but never locked
I was too afraid
to wander far from you
You had a rope
tied to my heart
Go anywhere
and I would follow too
But time to change,
doin' fine
I do what
I want to do
Standing tall like I should
I got a new point of view
I found my rhythm
when you cut me loose
Got a chip on my shoulder,
got a lot to prove
I found my rhythm
when you cut me loose
Right or wrong,
I got the right to choose
Stop calling
Stop begging
Principal on P.A.:
Good moring, Parc Secondary,
This is Principal
and these are your
morning announcements:
Welcome to
the first day of school.
New students, please check in
to the auditorium...
Sarah: What is she
What the hell is that?
Are you a boy
or a girl?
If gender were a country,
I'd be Switzerland.
Do you ski?
This town is pretty stale,
isn't it?
Yeah, flies lay their eggs in it
so their maggot children
can fly away
and have a better future.
Okay, you're insane...
but I love your statement.
Uh-what statement?
Your anti-establishment
cheerleading statement!
It's so subversive
and punk.
I'm not punk.
You as a cheerleader
is punk.
You realize that,
No, I'm a regular
Tesh: My name is Tesh,
by the way.
[bell ringing]
Teacher: Ah, okay.
Kelly: Okay,
cheerleaders, listen up.
We have to focus
on cheers this year.
I know you guys are single
and ditch the homework.
We are atheltes, we have to
take ourselves seriously,
okay you guys?
Okay, come on.
Now lose the poms,
let's try a pyramid.
Girls, you just watch,
This is
how it's done.
Whatever you do,
don't let your hands slip.
A cheerleader
two years ago
got accidentally
vaginally penetrated.
Oh my god, that must've
hurt like a bitch!
No, she
liked it.
So, please,
be careful.
The last thing you need
is to inadvertently discover
that you like being fisted
by another cheerleader
during your last year
of high school.
Like I did.
Strong arms,
strong arms!
Uh, is everyone's
vagina okay?
Sarah: What happened
to your uniform?
Why'd you
cover it up?
I... just, um...
Well, it's amazing.
I think it's really
commendable for a girl like you
to not worry about
embarrassing herself.
What are you
looking at?
Irene: They're skipping
the first day of school
to practice
a cheer.
I wish I could
do that.
They're all bitches.
Maybe they're just
ambitious and misunderstood.
Like most bitches.
Do you want to
try out for cheer squad?
I have an in
if you want it.
It's today though.
It's sort of
an initiation thing.
What do
I have to do?
After school.
Boys' Locker room.
Boys' locker room?
Don't worry.
It's just a...
DNA thing.
[bell rings]
I'll be there.
And take off
the hoodie.
You should be proud
of who you are.
Robbie: I'm totally rocking
a boner right now.
I don't
do your boner.
You know that.
I have standards.
But I'm
your boyfriend.
Whip it out,
let me see.
Is it a polish sausage
or a veggie dog?
It's a Polish
Oh, I forgot.
I'm a vegetarian.
[door opening]
what's the plan?
If you wanna be a cheerleader,
you need to familiarize yourself
with getting the DNA
of all the boys in our school
in your mouth.
Where are
the cheerleaders?
They don't operate
on this level.
This is to weed out all the
ones without cheer spirit.
Does anyone have any
objections to me taping this?
The squad's
requested a recording.
Robbie, start recording.
Today, to prove
you have cheer spirit,
you will lick
the shower floor.
But we could
get athlete's foot!
In our mouths.
Sarah: Athlete's foot
is just fungus.
Does anyone here really
hate mushrooms that much?
I like shiitake
mushrooms, actually.
They're really good
in Asian soups.
Okay, so who's
gonna go first?
I'll have
you know
the first girl to volunteer
last year made squad.
I'll go first.
I don't think I like
the taste of DNA.
Oh my god.
That was so good,
did you get it?
What are you
Okay, we do not
tolerate troublemakers
here at Parc
I'm not a troublemaker,
I'm a victim!
you're a drunk!
He's a drunk!
I'm drunk,
not a drunk.
It's a verb,
not a noun.
you know what?
After this here,
we're going to have a talk
about you
being fired.
I've called
all of your parents.
You'll be suspended
for two weeks.
All of you
Oh, you think
that's funny?
We have a special program
for suspended students.
Community service.
I hope you like
old people.
Sarah: What?
Robbie: Ugh.
Irene: Old people?
Oh, shit, Mom!
Voicemail: You have
one new message.
Principal: Hi, there,
Ms. Willis.
This is Principal Firestone
calling from Parc Secondary.
We're just calling...
Voicemail: Deleted.
Lydia: Hey!
What are you
Open the hoodie.
Absolutely not!
No, you will not
be a cheerleader.
You were.
You're not cheerleader material
like I was, okay.
You need to be aware
of your limitations.
They made fun of you,
didn't they?
They asked me
to join squad.
Do I look like
an idiot to you?
most of the time.
I just don't want you
to embarrass yourself, okay?
'Cause you're
at the age now when,
you know, bad experiences they...
stay with you.
Why didn't you
just ask your boyfriend
to pull out
before he finished?!
That's disgusting!
I'm disgusting?
I'm not the one who had
nasty unprotected sex
in the back
of a pick up truck.
It was
a Honda Civic!
[door slamming]
[dog barking]
So I've been thinking... um,
maybe there is another
school program that would be
more appropriate for you.
Like what?
Chess Club.
I haven't played chess
in my entire life.
You can learn.
Okay, fine, how about
stamp collecting?
Stamp collecting?
bicycle club.
That's not even
a real club, Mom.
Debate team.
You love to fight
with me!
Why fight
when I can cheer?
Oh, god.
Irene, do you have to have
a comeback for everything?
Well, then, goodnight.
Today is the worst day
in the history of days.
Geena: Think of it this way,
when you hit rock bottom
on your first day
of high school,
you have no place to go,
but up!
I wish you were my mother,
Geena Davis.
I'm your God.
Isn't that enough?
Geena: God damnit.
are never satisfied.
Sarah's Mom: I can't
pick you up until 4:30.
Sarah: Fine. Whatever.
What's this eye make up
you have on?
It's new.
It makes you look like
a Slovakian hooker.
You look at me
when I'm talking to you!
Get out
of my car.
Irene: I don't think you
look like a Slovakian hooker,
but I've never really
been to Slovakia.
Don't talk
to me.
Does your mom
know you're suspended?
My Mom's not very
nice to me either,
so at least we have
something in common!
Do you want to walk
to the retirement home together?
You're worse
than rabies.
Actually, rabies is curable
with antibiotics and rest.
Not that bad!
You should
be a lesbian.
Only lesbians are into
weird fat chicks.
I'll look
into it!
Thanks for
the tip.
Barrett: Okay, kids,
welcome to
Mapleview Retirement Home.
A place to relax
and enjoy
your final years
after retirement.
Screw ups,
follow me.
Screw up?
I'm not the one employed by a
retirement home, girlfriend.
Barrett: Don't make me
slap you.
I have no qualms
about slapping teenagers.
It's legal.
I checked.
[camera clicking]
Were we supposed to
see that?
For the next
two weeks,
I want you to report promptly
to me at 9am.
When you hear the bell
next door at 3:30,
that is your cue
to go.
But for those six
and a half hours,
your juvenile asses
are mine.
That is not at all
Oh, here comes
Can I get another Vicodin,
maybe two?
Ruth, you know
the rules.
I gave you one
when you first got up.
You're going to have to wait
another 4 hours.
But I'll be dead
in four hours!
we'll deal with it!
Got any pot?
Go to
your room!
No one takes any
risks anymore.
I love my life. I love my life.
I love my life. Love my life.
I love my life.
I love my life.
I see.
This is the waiting room
for the funeral home.
Shut up.
Okay, these are your supplies
for your chore:
removing this
hideous wallpaper.
I can't stand
the smell in here!
It smells like rotten tomatoes
meets tooth decay.
TV: Hundreds audition,
but only one will win.
Total Talent Showdown.
Who's gonna make it
to round 7?
Who's gonna
get cut?
Find out after
this commercial break.
Is this what you do
all day?
What else
is there to do?
You could
go outside?
Or go to
the mall?
The bus driver quit,
I think I want to die
before I get old.
No offense.
You're terrifying.
Thank you.
I didn't actually
mean that.
Have you ever noticed that
really scary people
like serial killers
always look normal?
So I avoid all people wearing
pleated khakis and golf shirts.
I'm gonna
go eat now.
you do that.
You should find
a new bus driver.
People need to
get away from this place.
The only people who have
bus licenses in this town
are drunks
and pedophiles.
Can I sit
Of course, dear.
That's Millie.
She likes cashmere turtlenecks,
she's sexually frustrated
and she has no idea
what day it is.
I like hoodies, I'm a virgin,
and it's Tuesday.
I know
it's Tuesday.
She ridicules me.
It's non stop.
Irene's totally going to grow up
to be one of those dumpy women
who own a kennel on the
outskirts of town.
That's like...
a metaphor.
She's the fecal matter
in motel rooms
that you can only see
with an infrared light.
That's a metaphor.
She's like a dog's butthole
that swells every time it barks.
that's a simile.
Not a metaphor.
Ruth: New resident!
Don't touch me!
...sell my house, dump
me in a place like this?
He looks single.
Hope he's
a widower.
They're great
in the sack.
That doesn't even
make sense.
Nothing's hotter
than a grieving lover.
Hello, welcome, welcome!
Good afternoon,
Mr. Preston.
I think we're gonna need
a little bit of privacy.
Charles Preston, my name is
Barrett Harbinson and I'm...
Fuck you.
I like
this one.
Barret: You're in room 9,
which is just down the hall,
uh, if you don't mind,
I'll take you there right now.
Barrett: If there's
an emergency,
just press the red "help"
button in your bedroom.
And if you can't get up,
just pull the string.
Enjoy your stay.
I hope it's
a long one.
Bye for now.
[door closing]
TV Woman:
For just fifty dollars,
a palette for
all skin tones.
[cleaning spray
TV Woman:
It's a long wear lipstick,
I'm gonna add a
little bit more right here.
Just a touch.
Irene, being on
the cheerleading squad
is about representing the
school, you know what I mean?
Which is why only the best
dancers get to join squad...
No, it's about
Would you eat at a restaurant
that had an ugly facade
and never washed
their windows?
If the food
was good.
My point is that
you eat too much.
What made you actually think
you could be a cheerleader?
You're fat.
Sarah: Yeah, everyone would
be afraid to lift you!
Ruth: Hey, you!
Leave her alone,
you little chihuahua.
You're gonna
die soon.
Not soon enough,
when I meet bitches like you.
Suck your
mother's cock.
I'd try, but your mother's
in the way.
Don't fuck
with me.
What is going on here?
Sarah: What the hell
is this place?
Ruth: It's the place
you're gonna die.
[door creaking]
[TV playing]
Hi, Chuck.
What are you
I was thinking of giving
myself a lobotomy with this pen.
Can I help you
You were
a boxer!
Is this a picture
of your wife, Chuck?
She's sexy.
You have no idea
what this is like.
Moving into this place where
you know you're gonna die.
I do know.
High school
started yesterday.
And besides,
you might not die in here.
My grandpa was hit by a delivery
truck outside of a laundromat.
You're very sexy.
If I had a penis, I'd probably
have wet dreams about you.
But I want to avoid
sex altogether
until I'm more established
in my career.
Can you just
leave me alone?
Intelligent women throughout
history settle into marriages
and never achieve
their own goals!
Have you ever
heard of Einstein?
heard of him.
He was married.
She was a scientist,
she gave it all up for him.
And then he left her
for his own cousin.
Can you imagine?
Your husband cheats on you
to commit incest?
That's, like,
the ultimate insult.
Oh my god!
We're in
a church!
Are you in
special ed?
'Cause you're going to end up
in a mental hospital.
You're aware of that,
No, I'm gonna end up
on a football field.
And why
is that?
I'm gonna
be a cheerleader.
Have you looked
in a mirror lately?
Have you?
You're old and you kind of
smell like an empty pickle jar.
If I blur my eyes,
you look Veronica.
Who's Veronica?
She's my pet maggot my mom
made me flush down the toilet.
Can I get you
to make your stay
more comfortable, Chuck?
[bell ringing]
Irene: How am I ever gonna
become a cheerleader
when I'm stuck
at a retirement home?
Geena: You could do
anything anywhere, Irene.
With anyone.
Cheerleading is just
dance choreography.
Think about that.
Geena: Irene, you realize you're
talking to a poster, right?
Geena: Okay.
Just checking.
What are you doing
in the living room?
It's only for
special occasions.
Why can't we just live
in the living room, Mom?
[door closing]
Living stains.
I heard about your suspension,
you shit disturber.
Aren't you
supposed to be in class?
Listen, don't get suspended
from the retirement home
like you got
from school.
How do you get suspended
from a retirement home?
You die.
TV: ...come on down,
prices so low
you'll think
you're in another century.
These cars are going
for practically nothing!
No payments
for 12 months.
Don't wait!
Host: Next up: we have
a dance crew all the way from
St. John's, Newfoundland who
call themselves "Tight Fusion".
Now, they've advanced
2 rounds,
but is tonight the night
that they go home?
Let's find out.
5, 6, 7, 8.
1, 2, 3 and 4,
5 and 6, 7 and 8.
1, 2, 3, 4,
5 and 6 and 7, 8.
Okay, good.
Let's try it again,
Um, a little more
spirit this time.
Okay, ready?
Host: The stage is being set
for the next season
of Total Talent
All you need is
a special talent.
Come on,
grab your crew.
We're looking for people
of all ages.
Anyone can be
on the show.
All you need is talent and
the need to show it off.
5, 6, 7, 8.
Cheerleading is like
having protective armour.
If you're a cheerleader,
you're in harmony
with those
surrounding you.
Do we have anything
to cut this with, sweetie?
It's a bit
I'm gonna
show you something.
Are you ready,
Follow my movements,
Kelly: Okay,
come on you guys.
Keep going,
we gotta get warm.
Cheerleader: Running in place
is so much work!
Oh my...
oh my god.
What is she
We'll scrape you up
like dental plaque.
Did you by any chance,
sniff glue
when you got up
this morning, sweetie?
follow my movements.
We have nothing
to cheer for.
No one cheers for anything
in this town,
except for the Parc High
Parc High is good to go, have
you seen our possums throw?
We'll roll you
like you're pastry-o!
Now, follow me.
that was so good!
I can't do
what those girls do!
Can't we try?
That was good!
Just, I wanna hear
that snap, okay?
Let's do it together
one more time.
A 5, 6, 7, 8.
Parc High is good to go, have
you seen our...
Cheerleader: We'll roll you
like you're pastry-o!
Let's try again.
But we've retired,
From everything.
So you're just gonna
give up?
Just because
we're not like them?
Cheerleader: ...across, open,
around and snap.
Good job, guys!
Cross, open, nails, nails, head,
around and snap.
That was good!
Irene: No one wants
a fat cheerleader.
I'm just gonna
embarrass myself.
Geena: Don't worry about
embarrassing yourself.
I was in a movie called "Earth
Girls Are Easy" and I survived.
Irene, you cannot
waste time worrying
about what you think
you see in the mirror.
That's easy
for you to say.
You look good
in a leotard.
Geena: When I was your age,
I was the tallest kid in class.
It was always
my greatest dream
to take up less space
in the world.
I know that
Geena: But there were
better dreams to have.
It took me a while to realize
I'd rather be over someone
than under them.
Yeah, why can't life
just be easy?
Geena: It should be.
Those people who say you
can't be beautiful and fat?
Tell them they could all
suck my dick.
You have
a dick?
I'm Geena Davis.
I have everything.
I want you
to notice
Some moments
are rare
Don't take me for granted
just take me the-e-re
And I'm never
gonna ask for more
I'm nev...
Are you
a boy today?
I'm Annie Hall.
Anyway, I saw you
and those old people yesterday.
If you're gonna insult me,
just do it.
I don't like all the
build up before it.
You wanna be
a cheerleader, yeah?
a punk one.
A real one.
You just
need music!
Just take me,
take me-e
Hey, guys.
Can you point her
in the direction
of some good
dance music?
She needs quality.
Vinyl, I'm assuming?
I was actually
thinking something
more like
audio cassette.
you're a real hipster.
[coins dropping]
Oh, keep your money, I put
those tapes where they belong.
Come on.
So, I'm never gonna
ask for more
You seem a little bit
too comfortable here.
Garbage is kind of
my comfort zone.
Oh, this is all you need, Euro
dance music from the early 90s.
This is like oxygen
for the people who wear
high-waisted jeans
and thick belts.
The good thing about tapes
is that they don't scratch.
Then why'd you throw them
in the garbage?
They didn't sell.
Well, aren't things people
throw away better anyways?
Maybe I should give
these tapes another listen.
Geena: Irene,
you have the music,
now you must give birth
to your dream
and remember the path to
will not be
a straight one.
In what way?
I can't be clear.
I'm your mentor,
I must be confusing.
[door opens abruptly]
[startled gasp]
Who you
talking to?
I'm just having
a conversation.
With yourself?
Geena Davis.
[door closes]
Geena: You know
your friend Tesh?
Tesh is weird.
Weird and smart.
Tesh knows that when people like
you go out and do their thing,
it pisses people
Now you've got music
and booze.
Get those old folks
off their butts.
Irene: But, I wanna be
a regular cheerleader
not a
pissed off one.
Geena: This town doesn't need
another regular cheerleader.
This town
needs you.
Thanks, Geena.
Irene: It'll work.
But I mean, I don't think
these people wanna do this.
I think we can
convince them.
Yeah, look at you,
you're sexy.
TV: Enjoy your
golden years
at Florida's hottest
retirement destination.
Hey, we were
watching that!
You need to
move your bodies.
Why the hell would we
want to do that?
Because it's fun.
We like to
watch television, dear.
I told you,
we've retired.
We have
a proposal.
Umm, 'kay.
Who here
wants to dance?
Who here wants to
dance with him?
What I wanna do with
him isn't called dancing.
I wanna smash
his pelvis into dust.
That sounds dangerous.
Come on, guys.
Follow me.
Hurry, come on!
[dance music plays]
Follow my movements,
be my mirrors.
Don't worry about being bad or
slow just follow best you can.
5, 6, 7, 8.
in the air.
And spin.
What the hell
is she doing?
No. No.
This can't
be happening.
Where are we
We're gonna go
tell that homo.
He's got the ass
of a 55 year old!
This isn't bad.
5, 4, 3, 2.
This is choreography!
[clearing throat]
And what the hell
is this?!
All: Choreography.
These people
are slowing down.
Their bodies don't work
like they used to.
I don't think
that's true!
Well, what if they're tired of
people like you always assuming
they can't do something just
because of the way they look?
Have you ever heard of this
little thing called arthritis?
Is watching T.V.
and waiting to die
a cure
for arthritis?
Come on, please?
Oh, yes,
okay fine!
Does that mean
we get to dance?
What the hell
is going on?
Choreography, apparently.
Is she allowed
to do this?
Barrett: Yes,
I stopped caring.
It's been liberating,
Although, I could do
without all this music.
It reminds me
of happier times.
Get back
to work!
[irritated grunt]
You too.
Thank you,
where do I sign?
Oh, always at the bottom,
isn't it?
at the bottom.
Barrett over P.A.:
Residents, a reminder that
the chapel will beclosed
'til further notice.
It must be so sad to have no
self-awareness whatsoever.
Doesn't sound
so bad.
You'd never know
how sad it is.
Hmm, well they
need to be reminded.
That bitch
is staring at us.
She's so lucky
to be that pretty.
Just remember,
it's the whitest dogs
always have the
dirtiest buttholes.
Why you givin' me
this piece of meat, woman?
They need
Do it.
Eat it.
Pick up the goddamn meat
and put it in your mouth.
Chew it.
smile at them.
Big smile.
Lot's of teeth.
Now they know
you're tough.
[train horn]
Irene: Have you ever heard of
Total Talent Showdown?
Tesh: Oh my god,
Is that
your plan?
You were born
for T.V.
I'm just gonna
embarrass myself.
Everyone's gonna
make fun of me.
Look at me.
Look at me!
You think I got where I am
by caring?
I'm just gonna fail,
everyone's waiting for it.
Success is just failure in drag,
think about it.
Look, take this
and if anyone bothers you,
just upload it
to the Internet.
I strongly believe that bullies
do not deserve privacy.
It doesn't matter if you
are a musician or an acrobat.
Anyone with a special talent,
we're looking for you.
Log on to our website
and submit your audition today.
You. Continue stripping
the wallpaper from the lounge.
You. Keep the residents busy
with your dancing, or whatever.
You. Mr. Spence
needs help in his room.
Room 12.
What kind
of help?
You'll find out
when you get there.
I'm happy when
I'm around you, Chuck.
I wanna eat you
in a sandwich,
but I don't wanna digest it
and poo it out.
I want you to be
a part of me forever
but I don't mean that
in a sexual way.
Maybe we should avoid
making sandwiches together.
I'm okay with
Can we change
the subject?
I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for Irene Willis.
Who's she?
A girl with
a future filled
with plus size clothing
and desperation.
Uhh, I'm sorry, I'm having
a hard time following you.
She's ill in the vag,
you know what I mean?
Okay, now we're gonna start by
you punching me, alright?
Come on,
punch me.
- No.
- Punch me!
I can't punch you
in the face.
No, yes you can, you can
punch me right in the face.
No, I'm not gonna punch
an old man.
You know,
when you get old,
people think you can't
handle anything.
I want you to punch me
in the face.
I want you to make
a big bruise.
No, I'm a nice person,
I don't punch people.
No one ever changed
the world by being nice.
I think that Ghandi guy did,
didn't he?
Fuck Ghandi!
Like, we tried
cyberbullying her,
but that didn't work 'cause she
doesn't even have the internet.
So now I'm stuck here,
in hell, with you.
Do you know why you've been
sent in here to help?
Excuse me?
[bluegrass starts playing]
I like listening to Bluegrass
when I'm getting changed over.
Changed over?
You take the old one off
and put the new one on.
Do you mean
like a diaper?
If it's okay, I prefer
disposable brief.
I hate
Irene Willis!
Come on,
punch me!
Punch me!
Fat girls
can't cheer.
How'd that feel?
Really, really good.
1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
Finally it's happened to me
right in front of my face
and I just
cannot hide it
Meeting Mr. Right,
the man of my dreams
So to do cheerleading, we're
gonna have to do some lifts.
Are you crazy?
We can't
do lifts!
We're a lot stronger
than we look, aren't we?
It's just the way
he looks at me
That gentle
loving stare
Ninja, ninja,
ninja, ninja.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Ninja, ninja,
ninja, ninja.
The way I feel about you
it just can't be wrong
You want me
to what?
Irene: Simple lifts!
You cook them food, you might
as well lift them up in the air.
Why the hell would I wanna
join a cheerleading team?
Because it's awesome.
...right in front
of my face...
Ninja, ninja,
ninja, ninja.
Pump, pump,
pump, pump.
Ninja, ninja, ninja...
...right in front of my face
and I just...
And lift.
Oh, oh, oh...
Irene: Ninja, ninja.
Pump, pump...
What are you
doing here?
All I've been doing lately
is burning coconut incense,
and crying myself to sleep.
I need
a hobby.
...and have
a little fun...
But now you've come along
and brightened up my world
In my heart I feel it,
I'm that special kinda girl
Finally you've
come along
The way I feel about you,
it just can't be wrong
Can we join?
If you only knew,
the way I feel about you
You're gonna be
our cameraman.
5, 6, 7, 8.
Oh, no-no
Finally it has
happened to me
Right in front
of my face
[disgusted sigh]
[cheering]'s happened to me
right in front of my face
and I just
cannot hide it
Finally it has
happened to me
Right in front
of my face
My feelings
can't describe it
I'm Geena Davis
and this is how I arch.
Right in front of my face
and I just cannot hide it
Whoa, finally-y
yeah yeah
Tesh: I just
want you to know that
I think the world needs
more masculine women.
I think everytime a woman waxes
her upper lip a kitten dies.
I waxed yesterday.
Yeah, I'm more
of a dog person anyway.
Y'know, cat's have kind of
taken over the internet,
it's obnoxious.
Finally-y you've
come along
The way I feel about you
it just can't be wrong
If you only knew
the way I feel about you
[computer chimes]
[car engine rumbling]
I need
more music.
Well, uh, garbage day
was yesterday,
so the dumpster's
empty now.
I can give something from
my personal collection,
if you want.
This here
is Milli Vanilli.
Sad story. The real singers were
chubby, middle-aged.
They thought
they couldn't sell records,
so these dudes
posed as the singers.
That's really sad.
And when their fans found out,
they were really angry,
they threw out
their records.
People burned them,
which is too bad,
because this is cheesy music
at it's best.
Are you saying
this is a rare artifact
that was rejected by
millions of people?
I guess I am.
It's perfect.
it's all yours.
A freebie
for the weirdo.
Host: Hi,
is this Irene Willis?
On behalf of the production
here at Total Talent Showdown,
that was maybe the most
ridiculous audition
we've just ever seen,
but in a very, very good way.
It was
very good.
They like us!
Honestly, you and your crew,
very timely.
With the old and the young
and the dancing.
Very fresh, it's gonna make
for great television.
They think
we're fresh!
They're being sarcastic.
Can you and your crew
make it for an audition tomorrow
at Yorkdale mall
in Toronto?
I'm gonna put you in
for 12:15.
We have an audition tomorrow
at Yorkdale mall
at 12:15
in Toronto!
How are we gonna
get there?
It will be taped
for broadcast,
so there will be some
release forms...
We'll be there!
We'll be there!
[dead phone line]
Borrow the bus?
Are you
kidding me?
For what?
Um, an extracurricular
But we need
the bus,
it's the only thing
that will fit everyone!
For what?
...A field trip.
to a place?
Listen, Irene, there is nobody
qualified to drive this bus.
No one!
We could
take a risk!
No-it's illegal!
But a lot of things
were illegal
before people
just started doing it.
Like oral sex
in Connecticut.
Be ahead
of the times!
No, I'm not losing
my shitty job over this.
These are
my keys.
This is
the bus key.
The bus is now
out of commission.
We need to
steal the bus!
The producer says they're
taping us at 12:15 tomorrow...
we can't
be late!
Oh, so-so maybe-you told
me your mother drives a limo.
Maybe she could
help us?
Are you kidding?
My Mom doesn't even know
I'm suspended!
All of this
has to be a secret!
got any drugs?
I think we need to drug that
homosexual in khakis
so we can
steal his keys.
It's impossible to get drugs
in this place.
Leave it to me.
I'll get those damn keys
if it's the last thing I do.
Meet outside
the retirement home at 10am.
[doorbell ringing]
I help you?
You're Irene's mom,
Who the hell
are you?
I'm a friend.
Irene doesn't
have any friends.
I'm... a colleague.
[vacuum whirring]
Missed a spot.
How was school?
Stop lying
to me.
Sit down.
Drinking vodka
and replacing it with water?
It didn't work
when I was your age.
It doesn't
work now.
I didn't
drink that.
I know about
your suspension.
The retirement home?
I know.
Who told you?
A friend.
I don't have
any friends.
It was
a colleague.
[safe crashes]
Just listen up.
Does anyone know
how to hotwire?
Do we look like
car thieves to you?
You look like
fast learners.
How the hell are we gonna
learn how to hotwire a bus?
You must be in denial
if you think we can do that.
Wanna hear
about denial?
She's still
taking birth control.
It's only to
control my heavy flow.
I can
hotwire a car.
The only thing it'll get you
is arrested
and then the only job you can
get, when you get out of jail,
is cooking meals
at a shitty retirement home.
I guess it can't hurt
to do it twice.
We'll have to
distract Barrett.
I have
an idea.
Lydia: And don't think about
going out this weekend.
You are grounded!
But Mom, there's a really
important thing tomor...
Why ground me,
when I'm already in prison?
Oh, just because I won't allow
the internet in here
doesn't make
it a prison!
Yes it does!
Do you have any idea
how much of a freak I am?!
Why can't I have a cell phone
like everybody else?
Cell phones turn perfectly
nice people into assholes!
Have you looked
around lately?!
is an asshole!
I wanna
be an asshole!
I want my daughter to have
an attention span!
I never had
an attention span!
I don't want my daughter
to be one of those people
who's texting when she should be
making eye contact!
And don't even
get me started on sexting!
I wanna sext!
That's all
I wanna do!
Oh my god, can't you see
that I'm trying to protect you?
From what?
You're not like
everybody else, okay?
Girls like you need to be smart,
you can't be a cheerleader!
You can't rely
on your beauty!
That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
I don't want you
to get bullied, okay?
Those cyberbullies are,
like, the worst!
I wanna be
I can
handle it!
No you can't!
Just admit it,
you're embarrassed by me!
You, come down here,
right now.
You got nothing out of life,
except for a fat daughter
you wish
you'd never had.
Maybe if you recognize
that your body is a temple,
like I have been
trying to teach you!
Aren't temples and churches
open to all?
So what are you saying,
you want me to be a slut?
Irene, you're overweight.
Well, it's better to be
over something than under it!
Over the moon,
over-achiever... overalls!
Stop it!
I'm fat.
I don't mind
being fat!
And if it offends you so much,
I love being fat.
[door slamming]
Irene, I am just trying to be
your mother, here.
You're not
my mother!
Geena Davis
is my mother!
That's it.
What are you
Why can't you
just be normal...
Stop it!
...and like...
Stop it!
...Taylor Swift?!
[door slamming]
[crickets chirring]
[dog barking]
[birds chirping]
What are you
Open the door!
What am I supposed
to do?
You're grounded!
Mom, why can't we just finish
fighting like normal people?
Because you're
not normal!
I gotta
go to work.
I'll be back
in an hour.
[frustrated sigh]
That's it.
I quit.
Geena: Irene, the farther
you draw back an arrow,
the farther, faster,
and stronger it will fly.
Where am I?
Infinite darkness.
It's a great place
for interpretive dance.
Also for shooting
'80s music videos.
Madonna's "Live to Tell"
was shot here.
Am I dead?
No, Irene.
You are
very much alive!
But, I'm not exactly on my way
to dating a jock
or becoming
a cheerleader.
You're a liar,
Geena Davis!
I think that was
a bit harsh.
Isn't it true?
I know, everything looks
horrible right now,
but just remember,
even when Thelma and Louise
lost all
of their money,
I got to have motel-sex
with Brad Pitt.
Accentuate the positive!
We lost everything,
but then I got to have
a great character arc!
Take it from me,
Boys don't like it
when girls are taller than them.
They also don't like it
when girls are fatter than them.
But do you know
what we say to that?
We say
fuck 'em.
Thou shalt
not quit!
[breathing heavily]
Robbie: Why are we
meeting here?
It's Saturday.
We're going
to Mapleview.
Do you hear
that sound?
That's the sound of my dick
shrivelling up and dying.
We can stop at the funeral home
on the way there.
I'm sure they have
a really tiny casket.
[air hissing]
Sarah: How long does it take
for a tire to deflate?
You're psycho.
Okay, come on,
Let's go.
Where's Irene?
I thought
she was with you!
Millie: What next?
Do you see that
yellow wire?
pull it out.
Can we
hurry it up?
Because Irene isn't even here,
we have to go and pick her up!
Oh, for heaven's sake,
hold your horses!
Takes patience
to hotwire a bus.
Oh, Ruth,
I thought you had
at least another decade
left in you.
I should have just
given you the Vicodin.
You were a pain in the ass,
but I'll miss you.
Alright, now spark
those wires together.
Millie: Ooh!
[engine starts up]
I should start
stealing cars.
You were special
a special lady, Ruth...
I am special.
I just convinced you that I was
dead for a whole minute.
Why are you
pretending to be dead?
A decade?
I've got at least three left,
Hurry up!
Okay, I'm coming!
What the hell
are you doing?!
Get back here!
That's my bus!
You don't have
This should
be good.
Get back here!
You come right
back here, Ruth...
Ruth: Thank you
for starting the bus.
Tony: Actually,
she did it all herself.
Ruth: Millie?!
From resident slut
to criminal.
Hey, Irene!
Irene, come on!
Come on down!
You got
the bus?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on!
Come on down!
I can't,
I'm trapped in here!
My mom
locked me in!
You're gonna
have to jump!
I can't jump!
I'll catch you.
I'll kill you.
We've got
expired cartilage
and look at what
you've been making us do!
you can do it!
Yes, yes!
You can do it!
Come on, Irene!
Come on.
Ruth: Jump!
Oh my god!
Oh my god.
Are you okay?
Yeah, no...
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Let's go.
[wheels screeching]
Are you guys
Just remember
to smile.
[bus speeding past]
[door slams]
Lydia: Irene?!
Year and make
of the stolen vehicle?
1999 white shortbus.
And who do you suspect
of stealing it?
The residents.
The residents?
The residents of this
retirement home.
Are you telling me the old
people of this retirement home
stole the bus?
[brakes screeching]
Where the hell
is my daughter?
Ninja, ninja,
ninja, ninja.
And more cheer.
So ready, okay.
5, 6, 7, 8.
I should have been
a bus driver.
Just what the world needs:
a slutty bus driver!
Okay, Ruth,
I've had it.
I want you
to treat me with respect!
Ruth: I do.
I respect anyone who's
vagina'sbeen through so much
it's written
a "tell all".
It's even made it on the New
York Times Best Sellers List.
Stop bullying me!
I'm not bullying
I love sluts!
[wheels screeching]
Charles: Millie,
slow down!
Ruth: Jesus,
don't kill us!
Okay, I'm sorry.
Barrett: Well,
one of our residents, Ruth...
Where is she?
We know
where she's headed,
Not sure
she'll get there, though.
You know, I've always wanted
to ride in the back of a limo.
Millie, slow down!
Oh my god!
I'm trying, but...
I think we may
have a flat tire!
[wheels screeching]
Is everybody alright?
What time
is it?
It's a flat.
Oh, no.
We ain't
going to Toronto.
We're screwed.
We're not going to make it
to the audition, guys.
But we practiced!
[seniors talking]
Don't cry, Irene.
Keep an eye out, please.
Look out that window,
see if they're on that side.
This is the coolest
Limo ever.
[Sarah chuckling]
[Sarah's voice echoing]
Do talk to me.
Lydia: I just don't want you
to embarrass yourself.
Robbie: You're fat.
Lydia: You can't
be a cheerleader!
Geena: This town doesn't need
another regular cheerleader.
This town
needs you.
Irene: We're not gonna
make it to the audition,
but we're gonna
do it anyway.
See that plaza?
We're gonna do it
right there.
Come on!
Come on,
get ready!
[confused mumbling]
Tesh: I've got the tape;
I'll press play.
Okay, come on,
let's go!
We can
do this!
Irene: Come on.
Yeah, come over here!
get into positions.
Yeah, right there.
Ruth: Song's
about to start!
Blame it on the rain
[yeah, yeah]
Blame it on the stars
You said
you didn't need her
What the fuck?
You told her
You sacrificed
a good love
To satisfy
your pride
Now you wished
that you should have her
[have her]
There they are!
There they are...
pull over!
Now it just don't
feel the same
Gotta blame it...
Oh my god!
Gotta blame it
on something
That's my mom!
I'm going to be your mom
for the next ten seconds.
If you stop dancing, I'm gonna
slap the shit out of you!
...did shine
at night
Whatever you do
don't put the blame on you
Blame it
on the...
Oh my god.
Should've told her
you were sorry
Ha-could have said
you were wrong
But no you couldn't
do that
One more.
No, no, had to prove
you were strong o-oh
If you hadn't been
so blinded
Both: So cute.
She might
still be there with you
You want her
back again
But she just
don't feel the same
Gotta blame it
on something
[gotta blame it
on something]
Gotta blame it
on something
Onlooker: Woo-hoo!
Blame it on the rain
that was falling, falling
Blame it on the stars
that did shine that night
Whatever you do
don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the rain,
yeah, yeah
I'm gonna
blame it on the rain
'Cause the rain
don't mind
And the rain
don't care
You got to
blame it on something
Blame it
on the rain, yeah, yeah
Blame it
on the rain, yeah, yeah
Blame it
on the rain...
Blame it on the stars
that did shine that night
I can't, I can't.
I can't, can't stand the rain
I can't, I can't.
I can't, can't stand the rain
Yeah, yeah
Blame it on the rain
that was falling, falling
Blame it on the stars
that did shine that night
Whatever you do,
don't put the blame on you
Blame it
on the rain
Onlooker: Encore!
Tesh: Oh,
we did incredible!
We did it!
We did it!
Your daughter
is amazing.
Does she get it
from you?
You keep laughing at her,
it's not gonna work.
She doesn't care.
...but I do.
And if you bully my daughter
again, you little bitch,
I'm gonna
call your mom.
Girls like you?
They peak
in high school.
Let me tell ya,
it's all downhill from there.
Onlooker: I gotta run,
but this was amazing.
You slashed our tires,
didn't you?
Why do you hate me
so much?
Why do you have to
be so mean?
I'm so sorry.
I don't believe in violence,
but suck my dick.
[everyone gasping]
You have
a dick?
I'm Irene Willis.
I have everything.
Want one?
We need
to go.
Say goodbye
to your friends.
Well, we didn't
get on T.V.,
but you guys
are such good dancers, you know.
I had
such a good time.
I never liked the show
Well, at least we brought
some excitement to this plaza!
Hey, uh, nice hook punch,
by the way.
Alright, Irene,
we need to go.
Let's go,
we're walking back.
Come on, Millie.
Millie: Okay.
Ruth: I'm sorry.
That was fun.
It sweeps through the city
it longs to be pretty, but it...
You taught those old people
my cheer moves.
Well, your diagonals
are off.
They're, like,
totally sloppy.
If you want to be a cheerleader,
you're gonna have to perform
every move sharply,
you know?
Everything's gotta
be like a punch!
I can show you,
if you want.
But you have to
stop lying to me.
[engine starting]
Lydia: So, how did you get those
old people to move like that?
Irene: Uh, I gave them
music and alcohol.
Lydia: Oh, so that's
what you did with my vodka.
Darker the morning,
it comes without a warning
Comes without
a morning tune
Come on, Irene!
I've got
dinner ready!
Irene: Okay, Mom!
...but it lives in the swamp
all alone
We ride on our horses
I ask for the torches
Geena: [sighing]
I think you're
one of the greats, Irene.
Thanks for taping me
back together.
Don't change
for anyone.
You got it,
Geena Davis.
Geena: You don't
need me anymore.
My work here
is done.
I still
need you.
I have to go
back to school tomorrow.
Everyone's gonna make
fun of me all over again!
Geena: Other girls
need my help.
But what
about me?
Geena: Thank you, for liking me
and not Taylor Swift.
Goodbye, Irene.
Geena Davis?
It's not safe
And you run,
you run, you run
It's not safe
It's not safe
It's not...
What are
you doing?
Do you ever wish that we
lived in a parallel universe,
where high school
didn't exist?
Then where would we all
get fucked up?
Come on, every Thelma
needs her Louise.
And you run,
you run, and you run
Tesh: So when are we
dancing again?
Irene: I'm gonna teach dance
at the retirement home,
if you
wanna join?
Tesh: Obviously
I wanna be there.
That was the most fun
I've ever had.
Irene: Me too.
After you, sister.
Principal over P.A.:
Good morning, students.
This is Principal Firestone
with your morning announcements.
Reminder that the fall fair
committee is gathering
after school... to discuss
the fall fair dance sock hop.
Oh my god,
that bitch is staring at us.
Principal: We are still
looking for a DJ
who will play appropriate music
for the occasion...
Get the hell away from her,
or I'll punch you in the vulv.
I'd like to have a word
with her alone, please.
It's okay.
This is pepper spray,
in case you need it.
Where's Robbie?
We broke up.
Sorry about
your eye.
I have
something to say.
I respect a girl who can
throw punches like that.
Especially at... me.
I know what it's like
to have your mom not get you.
Okay, this conversation
ends now.
Geena: Sarah Lindt.
Did you
hear that?
Hear what?
Geena: Sarah Lindt.
My name is Geena Davis and
I'm going to change your life.
you go here?
I, uh, I saw
your dancing online.
How many hits are you at now,
like a billion?
You make me
feel funny.
It's terrifying.
My name's Jacques.
Jacques Zimmerman.
You don't have to shake my hand,
that was weird.
[bell rings]
Do you wanna
do something this weekend?
You-you wanna
hang out with me?
I just wanna let you to know:
my career comes first.
I have pepper spray.
Uh, okay!
I have
a cell phone now.
You can
text me on it.
Sext me as soon
as you can!
Why didn't you
try out for cheer squad?
I tried, I licked the floor
and everything.
I have no idea
what you're talking about,
but we
need you.
We like talent
when we see it.
Cheerleader: Okay,
come on you guys.
Let's stretch those glutes,
warm those hamstrings.
Every ruthless daydream
Lydia: Remember.
Everything like a...
like a punch!
Hey, Irene.
What are you gonna do
if they knock you down?
I'm gonna
get back up.
What are you
gonna do?
I'm gonna get back up
and I'm gonna cheer.
Now remember,
eat the meat!
Come on, Irene!
We're waiting
for you!
Oo-ooh, oo-ooh, oo-ooh,
will you catch me if I fall?
Irene: Skipping class
to practice a cheer.
We're so hardcore!
Cheerleader: Hey, perfect.
I can't
believe it.
A fat cheerleader?
Don't mess with her,
you'll regret it.
She'll punch you
in the face.
Okay, everyone's here.
Let's form
a pyramid.
What are you
doing there?
I thought you'd
want me here.
We're athletes!
And you need to
learn how to climb.
Let's do
a thigh stand.
You want me
on top?
We don't have
all day.
Will you
catch me...
Geena: They say
the key to success
is to look
into the future
and visualize what you
want to become.
But some creatures are perfect
just the way they are.
And the special ones,
if they stay alive long enough,
they grow wings
and fly.
Go Possums!
[fly buzzing]