Don't Tell Amma by Sumukhi Suresh (2019) Movie Script
Please welcome on stage
the sexiest bitch on
the planet
Sumukhi Suresh!
Okay. Oh! Woah!
Keep clapping! Keep clapping!
Stop it! You don't have to clap.
Yeah!
Wait I have to find a black tape.
Ah! It's got it, got it! Yeah keep clapping.
Oh! Yeah! Good evening Bangalore!
I'm so happy to be here.
So happy!
I'm so happy. I'm just breathing.
I'm so, Bangalore is,
I mean everybody knows this.
This is declaration that
Bangalore is my favourite city.
Everybody knows this.
Like, I don't even think, there is ...
Chennai tries it once in a while.
And I know Chennai.
No, no, the thing is I love Chennai.
And in Chennai, they were like,
you'll pick Bangalore or Chennai,
and I'm like..
You know Chennai
is your first boyfriend,
who gave you good sex.
He gave you good sex,
not like he taught you sex.
But, the second one went oho ho ho....
Excuse me. Yeah!
Cause by the time you
come to the second boyfriend,
you also know a few tricks, uh!
Hello, excuse me!
My name is Sumukhi Suresh.
I do this five minutes later,
so that everyone is
comfortable with me now.
Everyone's like,
"Oh Sumukhi yeah! Got it! Got it!"
They're like, "She's so cute."
"That dimples she
has." That's all I want.
My father named me, actually.
My father named me Sumukhi.
He named me after a prayer called'Lalitha Sahasra Namam'
That's right. The first line
is something something Sumukhi.
So basically he named
me after a Goddess.
Stop it!
But my mother argues, of course.
My mother argues that he named me
after his sexy secretary
who he once had the hots for.
So they keep battling
and I realised okay,
so I'm a goddess and
I'm a sexy secretary.
Basically I'm the Indian
section of YouPorn.
Yeah! So if you want a sexy
secretary singing Aaygiri Nandini,
that's me guys!
I'll be like, "Sir can I file your taxes,
Oh! We know what he's up to.
He goes to Bharatnatyam
performances and goes woo! hoo!
I planned the tour for 'Don't
tell Amma' during June and July, okay.
Everyone told me,
"Sumukhi, don't do it in June, July."
"Don't do it!
Because cricket world cup is happening."
So nobody will come for your show."
People came for my show.
Lots of people came for my show.
It's because dumb boys
don't follow me guys.
Yeah! Yeah!
These smart girls follow me, huh!
And boys who like these
smart girls follow me, relax!
Relax! I got you covered.
Which led, which led to
my Woke friends looking at me
saying that,
"Sumukhi, are you insinuating?"
Cause woke people don't say assume, no?
They say insinuate.
They won't say things like,
"Don't shout."
They'll say, "Don't attack me."
Woke people don't say barbeque,
they say, "Sati "
Oh! We can say it!
Our gender only went through it.
So more, my woke as fuck friends went,
"Sumukhi are you insinuating
that girls don't love cricket?
Are you saying that girls
don't understand cricket?
Is that what you're saying?"
Let me start my show with a PSA. Okay?
Girls / Women / Gender that
associates with girl and women.
We don't have time
to love or hate anything.
Guys, we don't have time.
We don't love or hate anything,
we assess things,
we gauge things.
is it worth loving?
Is it worth hating?
Is he really worth all the love?
Or is he really worth all the hate?
That's what they're constantly thinking.
If he is that guy
who is going to do the kind
favour of going down on me
before I go down on him.
He is going to be like,
"Ma'am, first let me taste the poison,
then you taste it."
If he is that guy,
then I love Sachin Tendulkar dude.
I'll call his square cut,
'what a beauty' all my life.
In fact when I'm cuming, I won't mourn.
I'll say, "Aila!"
But if he is that motherfucker,
who is going to make sure
that I go down on him first
then rush to the shower,
and then take the
shower and then be like,
"Excuse me, can you give me towel?"
Then I'll be like,
"Hmm, I don't understand only sports."
You know how it is right with us girls.
Stereotype, stereotype, stereotype
I'm so sorry.
Sanjay Tendulkar, two separate people.
Is it? So sorry. Bye!"
Fuck! Then I don't like
sports for that bastard.
And you girls also
stop doing this nonsense.
We are like, "Huh who said that.
We love sports, we understand sports."
Shut the fuck up.
They don't have to know that we know.
Just exit a situation going,
"Bye, I don't understand only,
brain peanut, sorry."
That's nice.
I'm a Tamilian, I was raised in Nagpur.
Yeah!
She got it dude!
The moment I said Nagpur, she said,
Hahaha
"That's funny. First joke of the day."
Yeah! My father voluntarily
moved to Nagpur.
Nobody forced him.
He decided,
"I'm going to move to Nagpur"
He wanted to take his
career ahead in Nagpur.
Yeah I know!
His options were Mumbai and Nagpur.
He chose Nagpur.
Because he was like,
"If I go to Mumbai,
I'll get lost in the crowd, Sumukhi?"
I'm like, "Pappa,
whose finding you in Nagpur. Pappa?
It's been so many years.
Nobody is finding him in Nagpur.
My dad is too cute guys.
I know my show is called
'Don't tell Amma'.
But my dad is...
uh, he is a cutie pie."
He's that guy who is so happy,
you want to slap him.
You're just like,
"You know, you are so positive,
one punch if I give you,
you'll be fine or what?"
He is so positive.
I'll give you guys an example, okay.
My dad married my mom and then..
No, no, no, I mean okay, fine.
My dad married my mom, and then
my mom got preggers cause fate, huh!
And then he got so excited, he was like,
"She's preggers, preggers, preggers."
And then my mom was
about to deliver the baby.
He was like delivery,
delivery, delivery.
And then my mom delivered the baby.
And it was a baby boy.
And my father's like, "Oh my God!"
"It's a baby boy."
My mom's like, "Yeah, it's a baby boy."
"But I want a baby girl."
Then she's like,
"I'm not a vending machine."
I give what you gave.
He's like, "But..
but I wanted a baby girl."
"I don't want a baby boy."
He's like, "One more chance,
please one more chance,
give one more chance,
just one small chance,
one more chance, one more chance."
Mom's like, "Yeah that's fine.
For that I'll be vending machine.
No problem."
Then my mom got preggers again.
She delivered baby again.
It was a baby boy again.
My mother delivered. My father
is having post-partum depression.
He got so upset dude.
He just went so agro on my mom.
He's like, "Until we get a baby girl,
we will keep giving birth to babies."
He's the exact opposite of Bihar.
Then my mom got preggers again.
But this time they went to the doctor
and this is where I need
to be with my dad, okay.
They went to the doctor
and the gynaecologist said that,
"Listen, uh..
the baby doesn't look healthy,
so we need to.."
Yeah!
And my mom is like, "Oh my god!"
"Yeah, but it must be."
She was like, "Oh ho ho..."
And my fathers like,
"What is it dumb charades? Four words?"
"Hindi English. English Hindi. "
"Kaho na pyaar hai"
My mom is like, "No no,
the baby's not healthy, so we need to.."
"You know when a dreams shatters in a heartbeat, come on! "
She said, "We need to,
we need to get rid of the baby."
And my father was so upset.
He looked at the doctor and said,
"How can you say that?"
"First you tell me what's
the gender of the baby."
She's like, "It's a baby boy."
"Then okay."
My mom is like,
"How can you do that, it is a baby."
"Oh but baby's not healthy, no dear."
"It's okay, just one only.
We'll have one more."
Then he slept for 45 days on the floor,
he starved for 45 days
so that I was born dude.
What a royal waste of time.
So positive. So he..
I don't understand his USP only.
In a society at that
time that was so patriarchal,
he was like matriarchy,
matriarchy, matriarchy.
What a man!
I'll tell you,
I'll tell you what my dad is.
just imagine an oriental
food festival in your mind
Imagine only, imagining, imagining, huh?
There are lots of Chinese symbols.
We don't even know if it's Chinese.
It's something.
And I go, "Excuse me Chinese."
Maybe they've written
haram zada patiyala.
But we're like sure it's Chinese.
And there are so many
people selling chicken momos,
cause everybody likes chicken momos.
Right. Oh! Chicken momos.
Chicken momos for everyone.
My father is that beautiful
steamer of veg momos.
He is so positive.
He's like I'll make sure I sell.
I'm filled with cabbage, so what!
I will move to Nagpur voluntarily.
And I will demand a girl child.
And actually,
I'm not, I have no problems with Nagpur.
I know people go very like,
"Oh it's a small town.
You know small town problems."
"Everybody knows everybody."
"Our sex life is everybody's problem."
Nobody's sex life.
It's a small town. Shut the fuck up!
No I don't think so. And in fact,
Nagpur is also not a small town.
It's not like a village or a small town.
But it's not a big city also.
It's somewhere stuck in the middle.
It's that boy you fucked
just before marriage.
Just before,
he thinks you're in love with him
He's like, "You'll marry me, no?"
You're like, "I don't like sports."
That's what Nagpur is.
And I love Nagpur.
In fact because Nagpur
worked for me the other way.
I had no friends,
but there was this one cheerleader aunty
who was there for me all my life.
She supported and she anticipated
things for me all my life.
Godbole aunty,
who lived opposite my house.
She loved me.
You know in fifth standard
when I was about to get my period,
she waited on my behalf.
That's how much she loved me,
Like, "Anytime it will happen,
huh, anytime. "
"I'm so happy for you.
Anytime it will happen."
So happy,
and fifth standard also was the time
when all the girls are
waiting for their period.
Because everyone in school was going,
"You can see or what?"
"You can see, it's stained.
You can see?"
"Stained a little bit."
"You can see or what?"
And we're also trying to be secretive,
so that the boys don't find out.
Cause they don't have eyes, no?
So we're all getting up and we're like
Of course you can see.
If you wear full white
and there is a stain,
of course I can see.
I can see from satellite also.
You've made the flag of Japan.
But I didn't get my
period in fifth standard.
Then I waited till seventh standard.
Seventh standard I
thought I'll get my period.
Seventh standard also
is sort of a right page.
When the mango season is just going no,
it's that season.
You might just get it.
But I didn't get.
By the time my mother had given up.
My Amma's like,
"It's not going to happen.
It's not a uterus.
It's a cardboard box."
"Just put some water and dissolve it."
"Don't need, remove it."
That time Godbole aunty
was there for me, dude.
"It will happen. I can see it."
"I can anticipate, it is happening."
Then ninth standard I
finally got my period, guys.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
So happy.
I ran to the school.
I was like I finally got my period.
You can see or what?
Can see or what?
But all being secretive.
But by then the girls had moved on.
Period was no longer an issue, right.
Ninth standard they started liking boys.
"Hey, we can't see the boys, move."
"Move Sumukhi."
At that time Godbole
aunty was there for me, dude.
She was like, "I can see, huh."
"Happy Independence day Japan"
You know while growing up
the situation in our
house was not very good.
We were not extremely rich.
We were quite poor
while we were growing up.
Oh ho ho. Not that poor.
Oh no, she just went....
She's like, "It's a comedy show."
"I thought.."
"It's a comedy show, right?"
"Why is she doing TED talk, why?"
Not that poor.
Not that, not that poor
like I had lice in my head
and monkeys were eating them.
Not that poor.
Not that poor that my
brothers were running around
playing that tyre and stick game.
You know that poverty game
tyre and stick, tyre and stick.
Every time someone is poor,
"Bring out the tyre and stick."
Tyre and stick, tyre and stick.
Not that poor, not that poor.
The problem was not poverty.
It's okay.
Everybody..one fourth
of the population is poor.
We're all like woo hoo!
It's not about that.
The thing is we were poor
people with rich people resume.
Yeah!
I tell you,
my mom, chartered accountant.
She audited the Reserve
Bank of India four times.
[Audience] Woaaah!
What the fuck do
I do with that 'Woaaah!'
What do I do?
Where do I keep it?
You tell me where do I keep it?
When my mom came back from there,
we were like,
" Did you get the keys from there?
You got the key from there?"
"200, 400,
you slipped into your blouse?"
"Why God made blouse, mother. Come on."
My father did his M.A Literature
from University of Trichurapalli.
It's literature. You can't say 'Trichy'.
You have to say whole
thing 'Trichurapalli'.
You have to show your
double chin otherwise its not valid
And why is it that
no one ever told my dad
that literature is a degree
for the richest in the world.
The degree is about reading.
People are reading about reading.
They are reading books.
Then they are reading poetry.
Then if they have time
they're reading books about poetry.
And then they get more time
and they start reading Shakespeare.
Now let me not start
about Shakespeare, huh.
Are you saying I am the only person
who thought he wrote the whole
thing after he smoked marijuana?
Only a person who is
super high on narcotics
can make 'thee',
'thou', 'thee', 'thou' a thing dude.
Only a person who is high as a kite,
you go ask them, "What's your name?"
they'll be like,
"What's there in the name?"
And when we were hungry,
my father is quoting Shakespeare
like that 'thee', 'thou'
"Thou said shut the fuck up appa."
"Come on!"
And while growing up,
I was always a big kid.
Always
Not once was I skinny.
Do you understand the
irony of my situation?
My family was poor
and I am a big kid.
Do you understand the dilemma I'm in?
When my father went to the
silver place to sell silver saying that
"Excuse me, please take silver plate,
give us some money too much poverty."
"Come on come on."
When that is happening,
that man is looking at me.
He's like,
"You are poor, okay I understand."
"What's happening with her?"
"What's happening with her?
What's happening?"
"Where is ma'am getting nutrition from?"
"I don't understand."
Even for that game I wasn't allowed.
My brother they took.
Because my brother
is skinny and he is dark.
That's right.
There's racism in poverty also, huh.
There's one opportunity
where we told our father,
"See, dad listen,
accept the truth.
Just accept it.
And let's just go and
take the ration card."
Cause ration card we hear that
government is giving free things.
Let's take free things."
And my father's like,
"No, if we take the ration card,
then we have to accept
that we are poor."
I'm like, "We should
have accepted that long back.
You know when two nights
back there was no food?
That's the acceptance
letter we were waiting for."
And we are like.. we pushed him.
We are like,
"Please let's go get the ration card."
We all as a family went
to get the ration card.
Cause it's Nagpur.
It's entertainment. Come on.
But my father pulled such a
'veg momo' card so fast.
He didn't get the ration card.
He went straight
and he got the membership
for Rotary club.
Any Rotarians in the house,
give me a cheer.
You're all like, "Hmm, maybe right."
Just pass on this message for me.
Okay say that, Sumukhi said,
"Dear Sir / Ma'am,
To whomsoever it may concern,
respectfully,
please go fuck yourself."
Respectfully, huh, they are elders.
So 'go fuck yourself' has to be there.
Every month they came
for blood donation, dude.
Every month these people
came for blood donation.
Every month donate blood, donate blood.
I don't know who is drinking this blood.
I don't know.
Who is sucking this blood,
I don't understand.
And my mother is also like,
" Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we should donate blood to the poor."
"Hello! Poor.. blood .give.."
Amma's like, "No, it's for charity."
Fucking family is charity.
Give
I'm not against blood donation.
It's just.. my thought was that
if we are donating blood,
we might as well take it and sell it.
You know how much money I will
get for O Positive Brahmin blood?
That's right!
In fact my plan was go to Rotary club,
take any blood and
sell it as Brahmin blood.
It's the same anyway.
Just more delusion in Brahmin blood.
We're like take it, some more delusion,
some more,
come on take it.
Oh casteism, we started it, come on.
We're the pillars.
Might as well make
money out of our delusion.
But the thing is
you know since I grew up
as a poor person
but with rich people resume,
we only hung out with rich people.
Cause we had to maintain our status quo.
I don't know how its spelt.
I don't give a fuck.
Status queoo...
I went to a very la-dee-da school.
Yeah! I know how did I afford it.
Hmm, we didn't pay fees.
The principal was a South Indian.
My mom went up to her.
She's actually a Malayalee.
My mom's like suguna
le suguna le le le le.
Yeah! It was a yeah,
I went to a very la-dee-da school.
So yeah, my mom was,
she made sure it happened dude.
The principal South Indian.
In fact two years back only
I gave the school fees back.
Yeah! Cause principal was like,
"Actually you are popular."
Oh shit, sorry!
My apologies.
The reason my mother you know
kept looking at me
and she said that, "Sumukhi remember,
that you know all richness is all here."
True richness lies here.
True richness is
not in the bank account,
it's right here.
Only a very poor
person can say that huh,
a person filled with poverty
only can pull that line off.
Because I don't think...
It doesn't lie here,
it is in the bank account only
or if it's like that means it lies here.
Correct!
And I love, I love rich people.
I'm a big fan of rich people.
They have sound dude, they have sound.
You know when you are
walking on the street,
you close your eyes
and you can hear them.
They go... [bables]
[Bables]
[Bables] No. Yeah!
They have their ferocious comics.
Ya Hoo!!
I love rich people.
And the school also I went to
full rich people.
I'll tell you how I found out
they were rich people
because they were not people
who packed their lunch and came.
They got their lunch during lunch break.
Yeah!
Because one Ram Dayal
came and gave the lunch.
Cause all these rich people have,
they have ancestry Ram Dayal.
It's different people
but they're all called Ram Dayal.
Ram Dayal's not a person,
it's an idea.
And then Ram Dayal
he brings everyday,
he brings lunch, dude.
And he'll bring hot hot lunch like that.
He'll be like,
"Miss baby, your lunch miss.
Miss baby, your lunch.
Miss Baby,
everything is packed separately.
Lentils are separate.
Miss, the rice is separate,
Miss baby,
the property papers are separate."
Cause they need Ram Dayal
so that they can be as
hospitable as possible, no.
Rich people are very hospitable.
You go to their house any event,
it's super happy,
they'll be like,
"Nimbu paani, nimbu paani,
want some nimbu paani, nimbu paani."
Bank has come for
bankruptcy to their house,
they're gonna bankrupt
the fuck out of their house,
"Nimbu pani,
nimbu pani, nimbu pani, nimbu pani."
Yeah I know!
I love, I love these
kind of rich people.
Cause they're,
they have a certain air of
confidence that nobody can have.
Like I have a friend okay,
she walks out of a mall, okay,
and she's,
she walks out, no she doesn't think,
she thinks she's in Los Angeles,
California or whichever the rich places.
She walks out.
Actually she's in
Kormangalam or something,
but she'll...
She's walking out
with that cold brew cup,
cause poison comes in all versions.
Cause wait and, "Hi."
Nobody's there,
I don't know who she's saying hi to.
She goes, "Hi, how are ya? Oh may gaad!"
And I walk next to them cause
I'm also one Ram Dayal only,
I'm like, Oh my God!
At some point I think
her cold brew finished.
She is like,
"Sumukhi my cold brew is over."
I'm like, "Congratulations!
Poison is finally done."
She's like, "No Sumukhi, my
cold brew is done and now this is waste.
I have generated waste."
I need to put it in the dustbin.
Where's the dustbin?
Where's the dustbin?
I need to put it in
the dustbin right now.
Ram Dayal where's the dustbin?
No, don't open your mouth,
that's not a dustbin.
Where's the dustbin? "
Rich people are always
looking for dustbins.
I'm like, "Hey go home
and put it in the dustbin, no?"
There's dustbin at home."
She's like "No Sumukhi
I generated waste right now.
I need to put it
in the dustbin right now
because I need to save
the en-vi-ronment right now."
And I don't know how
to tell her it's environment.
I don't know.
I told her, "Ma'am with your bank
balance you may even call it a potato
No problem at all."
Because also no, rich people
are always looking to save things
Now they don't have anything
to save about themselves.
They have money, they have family,
they have love, they have everything.
What to save?
Someone told them Earth is combusting.
"Oh my God, earth is combusting.
We must save the earth."
Someone's like, "Glaciers are melting."
"Switch on the AC."
Someone's gone and told them,
saying that,
"Oh my God, we need to save paper."
We need to save paper?
Let's write 'save paper' on chart paper.
And walk around saying,
"Save paper, save paper,
nimbu paani, nimbu paani, save paper."
Also I feel like rich people love,
the other thing they do
is they love going for vacations.
There's one centre main one crowd okay,
in this entire room which
is not responding at all.
Cause they're all those motherfuckers.
I think they're all like,
"We love, so what?"
"Ram Dayal fix her."
Ha ha ha!
Bitches. Ha ha!
You all love going for vacations dude.
And also not any vacation,
there are three types of vacation.
First is that one month vacation,
where they all go to foreign country.
For one month they'll go to,
and they wont go to USA.
Because its now in Bollywood, no?
It's mainstream,
so they all want to go to Europe.
Let's go to Europe.
Let's go to Berlin huh, Berlin.
They'll all go for one month to Berlin.
They are all like,
"Hmm, Berlin is my vibe, ya.
It's my vibe."
Because rich people are allowed vibes.
"It's my vibe ya!
I really want to settle down in Berlin.
You know this food,
this raw fish, this raw vegetables,
this is my true food."
Who needs mozzarella in front of this?
True food!
You know these foreigners who
are walking around and avoiding me
because I am brown,
they are my true people.
True people!
They are, really must shift to Berlin.
And they can never shift to Berlin,
maximum they shift to Malaysia.
Idiots!
But then one month
vacation is so far away.
Then what to do till then?
Have to wait till vacation, no.
That's not possible.
So they pepper.
They pepper their other
vacations in the middle.
They wait for these weekend trips.
These one day treks.
These hikes.
And sometimes these mountain hikes.
Why is that mountain there?
For me to hike it.
I've this friend in Bangalore okay.
He got divorced, cause you know.
Actually he was getting
a divorce, cause,
so rich means some
problem he has to have, no?
Cause rich people,
they can afford a divorce.
Poor people,
they get slapped, they move on.
We call it BDSM and we take it.
This guy, he was getting
a divorce and he came to me and...
He's like,
"Sumukhi I want to save my marriage."
"You know I'm going to make sure I'm,
I go talk to my wife."
I'm like,
"Now you'll go talk to your wife?
What before this you
were sending letters or what?"
Or passing pigeons to each other.
What the fuck?!
No wonder the divorce is happening.
He's like, "No no no, I'm going to talk.
I'm gonna sort this out."
So I'm, I said,
"Yeah, maybe take her for a meal.
Maybe she's just hungry."
You know sometimes we
are just giving you a divorce
cause we're really hungry.
Cause we've not eaten carbs for a while.
Cause we're like we need
to be skinny for our husbands.
I'm like buy her one dosa or something.
He's like, "No no no, I'm going
to take her for a weekend getaway."
I said "Ooh! Sexy times.
Cause after carbs,
we just want sex, so...
I'm like, "That's nice.
You know weekend full of sex,
she'll not think about
divorce for a while."
He's like,
"No Sumukhi, don't be vulgar."
"I'm gonna take her
for a weekend getaway.
We're gonna go fishing together."
He went to Kabini to fish, dude.
They sat in that,
you know that long boat is there no,
those rich people boat.
They were sitting in this side,
they were sitting in this side.
Not looking at each other.
Opposite side they were, and
they were fishing and they were like,
"Babe, did you get some?
No I didn't get some.
Babe did you get some.
No I didn't get some."
Nobody got some.
The reason why the
damn divorce is happening.
What is that boat called ya?
That rich people boat?
Qi noa? What is it?
Canoe, uh? Hello Ram Dayal!
What's up, haan?
And in this ridiculous situation,
that woman actually caught a fish.
I can't fucking believe
she caught a fish.
She caught a fish and she,
she picked it up.
And this guy ran to the other direction,
cause she caught a fish.
And I was like, "Oh my god."
And you know,
I was so happy cause I was like
Okay he ran to the other side,
he made out with her.
and after the boat toppled
and they fell to the water.
They started making out and having sex,
so much sex.
They had water sex.
I read a lot of erotica.
Suck it.
I wish it was that.
He ran to the opposite direction,
not for that.
He picked up that fish
and put it back inside.
Because he needs to
save the en-vi-ron-ment.
She divorced him.
He's now planning to move to Berlin.
Fucking Idiot!
You know the other type of vacation.
The last type of vacation,
which is away from all these vacations
Is that vacation that
you take during New Year's.
All rich people love
taking new year vacation.
Because they want to make sure they
start their new year
vacation on a fresh note.
They want to start their new
year on an adventurous and a fresh note.
So they don't want
to spend it in their house,
which by the way they've
spent so much to decorate.
They sold their kids, kidney, spleen,
everything to decorate the fuck out of
upholstery upholstery
they paint for some time.
They wont, they don't to want spend...
We want to spend it in nature.
On a fresh note.
On first January we
want to watch the sun rise,
with the nature.
Because in the city
sunrise doesn't happen, no?
We're all sitting in darkness.
We're all like you carry on,
you carry on, please please.
No, no, we're sitting in darkness cause
we didn't do booking for sunrise, sorry.
No they did booking
first because Ram Dayal.
Okay. Sorry.
"And we, you know we need
to go for a minimalist camp.
We love minimalist camping.
It's, you know..."
It's prom,
it's impromptu minimalist camping.
Yeah, so that's, its impromptu.
So I'm like, "Okay so you're
gonna take an ST bus and go to the...
Impromptu minimalist camping."
"No Sumukhi, don't be wild.
We'll take an AC SUV and go
all the way to the remote location
for our minimalist camp."
I'm like okay. That much is allowed.
I don't wanna be that shady also.
I was like so okay,
it's a minimalist camp,
you don't really have
to really buy anything.
"No, no,
no we don't have to buy anything.
We'll just stop over
at Decathlon for sometime."
And buy things worth 50,000
rupees for a minimalist camp.
"We're going to buy that uh,
we'll try and buy those blankets
which are environment friendly."
Sorry, en-vi-ron-ment friendly.
"Because I want to make
sure we're going with the nature.
We don't spoil nature."
Then don't go.
Whose telling you to go.
Nobody told you to go.
"We also need to make sure
that we buy those predator jackets."
"You know,
so that the predators don't attack us."
Which predator...
has ever attacked a rich person?
Have you ever seen a
predator attack a rich person?
Because a predator will
never attack a rich person.
An alpha will never attack an alpha.
An alpha will always attack a beta.
If I stand in front of a lion,
lion will attack me three times,
just for fuck's sake.
but if an Ambani is standing in front
of the lion, the lion will be like,
"Sir, do you have some work?"
Need a lion room in
your Antilla or something?
[Growl]
"No sir, not attacking, just sexy."
[Growl]
I'm like fine, you know what,
play this predator predator game,
you play, go for it.
They bought the predator jackets,
they went all the way
to the remote location.
Then they,
and they stopped the car you know
10 kilometres before
the remote location.
They took a hike.
They walked all the way, 10 kilometres,
they were walking for a hike.
And the car was also following
them like one Ram Dayal.
They reached the remote location.
I'm like,
"What are you guys gonna do there."
They're like,
"You know nothing much Sumukhi.
Just gonna be one with the nature."
"Hmm...just cook
in minimalist supplies."
"There wont be enough we'll
cook in minimalist supplies."
"We're just gonna stare
at the stars with no roof
and watch the sunrise
after the stars go away."
"We're gonna snuggle up to each other
and use that uh environment,
en-vi-ron-ment friendly blanket,
just use it and snuggle up."
You know I cooked in minimalist supplies
because there were
only minimalist supplies.
I watched the stars
because there was no roof.
And I had to snuggle up
not because I love my brothers.
Its because there was no space.
I'm like, "Okay.
I'm the pillow, you can sleep here
come on."
My twenty years of poverty
is this bitch's campsite dude.
And obviously by this
time she's very like,
"Sumukhi I mean, I'm getting a feeling
That you don't like me."
Cause rich people no,
they have feelings.
They understand also feelings
Rich people understand feelings most,
because every weekend they're
playing therapy therapy, no.
For a reason they're
playing therapy therapy.
So they understand. I have a feeling.
"Sumukhi, I'm getting this feeling
I feel like you feel
like you don't like me."
And I didn't understand
that sentence for two minutes.
I'm like, "What?"
Go back, go back, go back.
She's like,
"No Sumukhi, you don't like us."
I'm like of course
I don't like you because
you're privileged and I'm jealous.
"No Sumukhi, you don't like me
because we like adventure
and you don't like adventure."
Trust this bitch to come
up with the worst explanation ever.
But I'm a beta guys.
I'm not gonna look at this
alpha and be like fine move it.
No.
At that time I was like,
"Yeah sis you're right, sorry."
But I'll tell you guys,
it's not like I don't like adventure.
I love adventure.
It's just I don't like
rich people adventure.
like adventure for me,
is walking into a five star hotel
and walking out.
Adventure for me is buying
shampoo and conditioner.
That's right.
For the longest time I didn't know
they were two separate hair products.
I thought conditioner
was an anti-depressant.
Because they kept saying
it strengthens your roots,
it strengthens your roots.
I was like, "Oh my god,
I need to strengthen my roots."
I don't even think I have roots.
I just turned up.
Sir, please pack ten
bottles of conditioner,
I need to find roots
And I'm about to drink it,
he's like, "No it's for the hair."
I'm like, "Oh okay okay."
Rich people are doing
these things nowadays, is it?
Adventure for me
is watching a brand new
baby being born in a hospital.
Where the doctor is actually
wearing sterile gloves.
Yeah! Where the husband is happy.
He's like baby push, baby push,
not baby push, baby push.
That's an adventure for me,
because I was born in the kitchen.
They pulled me out with a pair of tongs.
No relax! At least my
veg momo father wanted me.
Give it up for veg momo fathers ya.
Right!
He didn't go 'nahin chahiye',
Amazon cash back delivery.
I can say Amazon.
It's for them only.
The richer you get, the more your
body is aware that you can be beautiful.
Its almost like your body
knows that you can afford beauty.
like your body's like I can
be translucent now, and it's all okay.
I love beautiful people,
because if I like rich people,
of course I like beautiful people.
I love beautiful people, and not that
beauty lies in the inside shit uh,
not that.
I don't have time for that shit.
Do not have time!
The proper, the shallow kind of beauty.
The ones with long noses.
Not so long that it's a hanger.
Not so short that it's Voldemort.
It's the right kind of nose,
it's that button nose that'll
go mi mi mi mi [Squeaks]
You're so cute.
You're such a cute button
Nyun mi mi mi [Squeaks]
That kinda nose.
People whose eyes start,
and they keep going on dude...
They don't stop only,
they starting in Bangalore,
going on till Mysore.
It's not stopping only.
The kajal industry
is because of them only.
Those guys with the sharp jaw lines...
so sharp, they can slice tomatoes.
And that's very difficult
uh you non-cooking fucks.
It's very difficult to slice tomatoes,
because if you tried to slice tomatoes,
it goes put put put [Imitates Squish]
Jaw line! Uh!
Love beautiful people
Look at you.
See this is a, this is another
thing I love about beautiful people.
You go tell them saying,
you're so beautiful,
they'll be like, "Stop it!"
"Stop it!"
"I'm not beautiful at all."
"It's not me,
its the weather that's why."
But deep inside,
they know they're beautiful.
They've not eaten for thirty years now.
"Stop it."
I love, I love the confidence again with
which beautiful people they come,
when they have sec...
Oh by the way,
beautiful people, by beautiful people,
I mean beautiful girls.
Boys, come on yaa!
If I'm self-aware, so can you.
Come on friends.
It's beautiful girls, they
just come and they're like, "I'm here."
And they have to have sex, they're like,
[High Pitch] "I'm here."
"Now you do the work,
I'm here."
"I came, what else do you want!"
And I also feel like beautiful
girls are the only ones
who look amazing when
they eat Nutella dude.
And as they call it, Nyutella.
They love Nutella.
And they are allowed to eat Nutella
because they don't eat anything else.
They look so, they're the only
people who can look nice eating Nutella.
If I eat Nutella,
it looks like I'm eating soil.
Everyone's like, leave it, it's soil.
No, its Nutella.
It's impossible.
But these girls look so pretty,
they go like,
cause they do the whole body thing.
"It's so creamy. It's so hazel nutty."
"I love Nutella."
and their whole thing also is that
every occasion is a Nutella occasion.
"Oh my god,
I'm so happy, let's have Nutella."
"I'm so sad, let's have Nutella."
I mean when they need Nutella,
Nutella is always available for them.
You know, they come in,
they're like, "I need Nutella."
Three bottles is there
inside their cupboard.
If I walk in saying that I want Nutella,
one giant packet of besan is there...
A giant reminder that
I have to fix my face.
[Mocking Tone]
These Nutella girls. I love Nutella.
I know! I know some of you are like,
"Sumukhi,
but according to online articles
beauty lies in the inside."
It's right here!
Same place your mother
said the money is, same.
Beauty lies in the inside.
The thing is, I've seen my insides...
In fact, I see them on a daily basis.
See sometimes I go wooooh! Huh!
I'm not saying I'm ugly, please...
Please, I'm not saying, I love myself.
I am my favourite snack,
that's what it is.
yeah yeah...
I'm just saying my active ingredient
to get things is not my body.
And what's the problem?
like, if I have to get a job,
I'm not going to use
my body like a dumbass.
I want to use hard work and talent.
Okay one person clapped.
Hard work and hard work. Got it.
I can be, if you can be self aware,
I can be self aware
If I have to get a boy, I'm not
going to use my body like a dumb fuck.
I'm gonna use my patronising nature,
my minimirative personality.
That's right!
and the fact that I can
make excellent khichidi guys.
I can make amazing khichidi.
I'm your basic khichidi bitch.
That's right! I'm that khichidi girl.
I don't play fuck boy,
fuck boy with boys...
I meet my boy, I'm like,
"Where's the Vermilion?"
Where is it?
Maang meri bharo,
is not an erotica song for me.
It's a purpose driven song for me.
When I meet a boy, I'm not
going to look at him and be like,
"I need to make sure that we
hang out and then meet the mother."
No, I need to meet the mother right now.
Because in 15 days she
needs to start hating me.
That's why this
relationship will work out.
I'm your basic khichidi girl
when you break, I pick you up,
and I put you together.
Because you're a project,
you're damaged.
That's my type.
That's right!
And all these boys also no,
boys are too two dimensional.
They are not dumb asses.
They are just two dimensional.
Cause for them between
Nutella and khichidi,
They're like, "Oh my god, Nutella.
Nutella is the best,
what a Nutella girl."
She eats Nutella.
Because for them, they thought
that on toast you put only butter.
They're like we thought
only butter is put on toast.
You can put Nutella as well is it?
If she puts Nutella on toast,
Where else she might
be putting Nutella, wow!
He'll keep going,
"Nutella girl,
Nutella girl, Nutella girl.
Where are you Nutella girl?"
Please teach us about
your Nutella culture.
Come on Nutella girl
And when these boys are running
around behind that Nutella girls,
we wait...
We don't run behind,
we hang, we're like, "You go."
No carry on babe.
Cause, we are playing
best friend at that time.
We are the Anjalis
of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.
We wait.
We wait for that bitch to die, no.
Ha ha. We wait.
Because after two
days of eating Nutella,
stomach is bound to get upset.
Stomach will get
upset and he'll be like,
"Oh God mummy, mummy, mummy.
And that time I'm like,
"Baby khichidi and me?"
And boys are not dumb fucks.
They are two dimensional, that's all.
Cause he's also like, "Oh my god,
but you're khichidi, she's Nutella.
That's tastier."
When they have these doubts
you put one spoon of ghee and it's fine.
Cause for these boys no,
if you add ghee to food,
they think you cook
just like his mother.
And the moment you cook
just like his mother, he's like,
"She's my soul mate."
And he's also thinking,
"If she puts ghee in khichidi,
where else she might be putting it?"
I know some of you
bitches are going actually,
"I'm a Nutella and a khichidi girl."
"I'm a Nutella girl from the outside,
but inside I'm a khichidi girl."
Yeah! Some of you
are thinking that, right.
Yeah, fuck you.
Fuck you.
There is no such thing
as Nutella and khichidi girl.
At any given point, you are
either Nutella girl or khichidi girl.
If you really don't believe me,
go home today,
mix Nutella and khichidi together,
tell me how it works.
And if it's disgusting, that's
the disgust you are for thinking it.
Everyone's gonna go home saying,
"Then what kind of a girl am I?"
I'm going to be in
the new buzzfeed quiz.
You know one of the main reasons why
I called my show 'Don't tell Amma' is
cause my mother didn't know that
I did stand up for the longest time.
Yeah! She didn't
In fact I started doing comedy
because I was going
through one heartbreak.
And yeah, and then I didn't
do this whole drinking smoking thing
cause I'm a khichidi girl.
Come on
So I needed to spend time now,
what to do.
So I thought okay I'll
do drama a little bit.
So much drama I do,
might as well use it.
So I went to audition for this,
because this, these,
do you guys know this show 'The Improv?'
I'm part of, yeah? Yeah!
That's right!
So I'm part of the
Improv and at that time,
they're like, "Oh we're looking
for people. We're looking for actors."
And I thought the Improv was a play.
So I went there and
they are like, "We'll give you
one word and you make up one scene."
I'm like, "Oh! These theatre
people have become very lazy."
They have become so lazy,
don't write dialogues also nowadays.
They're like,
"No no, its a comedy show."
You'll do comedy.
I'm like, "Oh yes."
So they were like, "No you're good."
You come next month, you can
start performing. I got so happy.
I got very happy. No I got very happy.
And I called my mom and I'm like,
"Amma I'm part of the Improv,
I'm gonna be performing on stage."
So her exact response to that was...
"Ah! "
I was like,
"No I'm going to be performing on stage,
not alone, there'll be four boys."
"Four boys and you
Ah!"
I'm like, "No ma, its not for free,
the audience will pay
money and they'll come."
"Oh, they'll pay to watch you?"
"Oh if they'll pay to watch you,
you might as well become a prostitute."
And I told her I don't think,
I mean I don't have the
energy to become a prostitute.
So I'm like, "No Amma, I don't think
I have the energy
to become a prostitute."
Mistake dude.
My mom's like, "Oh you know everything."
All these things you
will understand correctly.
She's full extreme.
But I know some of my,
now some of my friends no,
they describe their mothers.
They're like she's very caring.
My mom's very nurturing.
She's very nice and happy.
She's obsessed with Tupperware.
Every party's 'Bring
your own Tupperware' for her.
because you know they
want you to carry Tupperware,
so that you don't have to carry
hot things in your hands, right?
I wish my mother was a Tupperware
mother on a daily basis.
Second to second basis I think.
My mother is not at
all a Tupperware mother.
If I have to carry hot stuff
from position A to position B,
my mother will be like,
"You hold it and walk it."
I'm like,
"But why can't I use Tupperware?"
"Because you need to understand
what this pain is Sumukhi.
You have to bear this pain."
But why am I bearing this pain?
"If you can't bear this pain,
how will you bear child birth?"
Which sounds illogical,
because this is heat,
that is extension.
How am I learning anything?
My mom's crazy. You know she's crazy.
She wild cat.
Full wild cat.
I know some of you are like,
"Oh, you're just saying like that,
that your mom is crazy."
No I mean, she is crazy.
She's fucking crazy.
This is the mother I've
lived away from for so long.
My mother...
I have lived away
from my mom for 13 years.
And how many of you are living away
from your mothers here, give me a cheer.
See so scared,
all of them are going wooh!
Because they're so scared,
their mothers are away, they're like,
"Maybe she's watching."
She's secretly hidden somewhere.
She's like, "I saw...
I saw you bitch."
Yeah! And you know,
when you live away from your mom,
your mothers call you
to check on you, right.
They call you at a particular
time to check on you.
My, and the number of times your mother
calls you is directly proportionate
to how characterless you are.
Yeah! my mom calls
me at 7:30 in the morning.
And she'll behave
like my best friend okay.
Full best friend.
She'll be like, "Hello Sumukhi.
Where are you?"
I'm like, "Ma I'm at home."
"Whose?"
"Uh? Whose home?"
"Who? Tell."
I'm like, "My home."
"Just checking. Good to ask."
Uh ha ha!!
And then she'll call
me at the night, at 9:30
and correctly you know your
mothers call you at that time,
where you're at some beautiful bar
or some beautiful pub
or some beautiful dance floor.
And you're so happy with your existence.
Cause finally, that consensual
penis is coming close to you.
Finally that one man you
have liked is coming close to you.
After 4 hours of walking
through non consensual penises.
Going no, no, no, don't want this,
no not this one as well.
no, no, no, not this, don't want this.
Don't want this range as well.
After walking around so
many non consensual penises,
finally one consensual
penis comes close to you dude.
You look at him and you're like,
"Swami thank you."
Praise the lord!
About to grind your ass,
you're so happy about it.
Correctly your mom will call right then.
So many non consensual penises came,
she wont call dude.
That time her motherhood did not awaken?
She'll correctly call me
when that nice person came to me.
And at 9:30 or 10:30.
Boys if you're looking for the girls,
we're not on the dance floor.
We're in the bathroom.
Cause we've all taken our mothers call,
ran to the bathroom,
found our corner, and gone, "Hello!"
Yeah ma, hello.
Ma, I'm, I'm sleeping ma.
We become national
award winning actresses.
Shabana Azmi,
become drool and all uh, sleeping ma.
Ma, you know I have to
wake up to go temple no ma.
We're so used to lying,
now that sometimes
we take a boy also inside.
We're like come come it's okay,
it will be fine.
Hello ma!
Put the condom first uh.
Hello ma!
But the beauty and the
most dumb thing about us is
we think our mothers don't know.
Oh we think, they don't know
We think we're playing chess
with them using one chess board.
Guys, they, they're playing
chess with us using four chess boards.
You know when we're
lying to our mothers,
and we're saying that ma sleeping ma.
My mother's like,
"oh you're sleeping is it?
Sleep safely."
"Just checking. Good to ask."
They know dude, they know.
But the problem is not when
your mom calls you at the allotted time.
That's not the problem,
cause you're uh,
you're ready for it now.
You know your conversations.
The problem is when your mother
calls you at a non-allotted time.
She's not supposed to call,
then why is she calling?
Why is she calling?
I freak out when my mother
calls me at a non-allotted time.
Because I'm like some
pregnancy kit has reached her.
Cause I don't know about you girls.
I don't know how to
read a pregnancy kit baba.
I'm looking at it I'm like plus,
minus, pink, blue.
You know what,
I'll find out in three months.
Fuck it!
And you boys are also quite crap.
I'm looking at that boy saying that,
"Listen I'm pregnant or what?"
He's like, "This is video game or what?"
This video game?
How to play?
Uh nine months later,
one Mario will come out no...
That time you play
Mortal Combat with him.
Fucking Idiots!
And you cant not take the call also.
Cause you're filled with guilt.
Indian kids especially
are filled with guilts.
Guilts! Uh huh huh
Guilts
You have to take that call.
Because correctly the
time you wont take the call
your mother will have slipped disk.
So you have to take the call,
cause what if it's emergency.
You don't want to be that kid
who gave your mother slipped disk.
So the whole trick is in
the first five seconds of the call.
If you take the call,
the first five seconds
will determine if it's an emergency call
or I will fuck you up call.
Because if its an emergency
call immediately she'll be like,
"Oh my God! oh my God!
Sumukhi, Sumukhi, Sumukhi.
Something like that, right?"
But if your first five seconds go.
And your mother is not going
to make the first move, hello
Excuse me, it's four chessboard time.
You have to make the first move.
And I become a morning RJ so fast,
because I will combat
her negativity with positivity.
Cause I have some veg momo father in me.
I become, like that I become,
"Good morning Amma, how are you?
What a bright sun shiny day."
Let me play a song for you.
Aaigiri Nandhini, maybe?
And my mother's response to that is,
"uhh!"
Hello Amma, bright sun shiny day.
Aaigiri nandhi.
"Uh huh uh huh."
So it's been 20 seconds.
You've said crap and she's said,
"uh huh uh huh."
And you've to address this.
And you're like, "What happened Amma?
Are you crying? Why are you crying?"
"I can't take it.
Sumukhi I cannot tolerate it.
Cannot take it. It's going pak pak."
For the non Tamilians,
"I cannot tolerate this,
my heart is going lab dab lab dab."
So it's been 40 seconds,
and I've gotten two useless sentences.
I cannot tolerate this,
my heart is going lab dab lab dab.
Everybody's heart is
going lab dab lab dab only.
Your's not going ki ka ki ka.
but remember she's the alpha,
you're the khichidi girl.
So you be quiet.
So like, "What happened Amma?
You sound very upset.
Did my father do something wrong?"
And my mother's response, "Right!
You think your father
has done something wrong?"
It's the same sentence.
But the meaning is so different.
How has she done this?
What is this sorcery?
I don't understand.
You know once I went and told my mom,
"Amma, I'm going out."
"You're going out, go out go.
Go go and get spoilt."
Said, "No ma,
I'm just going to go buy sugar."
"You can go buy sugar might
as well become a prostitute."
I still haven't given up.
Cause I also still one
fourth wild cat, bitches.
Huh huh huh
I'm like, "What happened Amma?
Did my brothers do something wrong?"
"That's right girl.
You think your brothers
have done something wrong?"
And the moment your
mother goes supersonic,
you give up.
You're like, "Ma, what happened ma.
Did I do something wrong?"
and you see my tone. It's, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
"Ma, what happened?
Did I do something wrong."
"No, no, no Sumukhi.
What can you do wrong?
You are the girl I gave birth to.
How can you do something wrong?"
You're like, "Let's not go
through this again and again Amma.
Please, just tell
me what did I do wrong?"
"No Sumukhi, if I'm your
mother and you're my daughter,
if I'm your mother
and you're my daughter,
do I have right to
ask you one question?"
I'm like, "Don't ask me if I'm
your daughter. You only told me that."
"No, no, no Sumukhi. If I have
the right to ask you as a mother,
one small question.
Can I ask you Sumukhi. Can I ask you?"
And she's not really giving you a choice.
She's like, "I will tell you.. [in Tamil] As me"
I'm like, "what is it Ma?
Tell me, tell me, what is it?"
"Sumukhi, I can ask you, na?" I said,
"Of course you can ask me..."
"Sumukhi,where were you yesterday
at 2?"
These are those moments
where you take a step back
and you reassess your life.
You could have done
things so differently.
When she asked you this question,
you could have cut the call.
You could have left the country.
Or you could have drank kerosene.
Or you could have
done all three together,
cut the call, ran to another
country while drinking kerosene.
But what did I do ?
I'm like, "Ma, a.m. or p.m. Amma?"
And my mother thinks that, you know,
the only way she can stop me
from roaming in the middle of the night,
is by getting me married.
She's like, once you get married,
all of this will stop.
Actually your mom doesn't want
you to get married for happy life.
She wants you to get married so that the
authorised signatory
can go to someone else.
The moment you get
married and you fuck up,
She'll be like, "I'm done.
Not my problem bitches."
They're waiting.
They're like,
"It's the husbands fault, yes!"
I raised her very well.
That husband is only fucker.
And my mother's been
wanting me to get married.
I'm 31. My mother
wanted me married at 1.
In the beginning, when I,
at 21 my mom wanted
me to marry anything.
She'll be like, "As long as something
marries her, I'm fine with it."
Just want to get rid of it.
At 25, slowly she's like, "Hmm I'm okay.
One B.Com is also fine."
"M.Com is also fine."
For the past two years,
I've been meeting only engineers.
Any engineers in the house?
Give me a cheer!
Yeah! Come on you guys.
You guys are the engineers.
The beacon of hope in this country
Give me a bigger cheer.
Any engineers in the house?
Give me a cheer.
Fuck you guys! Fuck you guys!
Fuck you guys!
This is the average size
of a man's penis in India.
Please personally fuck it.
Please!
I give you full consent to fuck it.
You engineers never stop complaining!
Oh no, we were made
to do engineering. Oh no!
My mother forced me
to do engineering, Oh no!
My father forced me
to do engineering. Oh no!
I actually wanted to
become a photographer. Oh no!
Fuckers, anyway you'll
become photographer only.
I hate them, dude! I hate engineers.
So much they cry.
Every article is about them.
Every video is about them.
Oh no! Oh no!
Fuck!
Especially these engineers who uh,
these IIT Engineers.
Oh Amma, oh ho ho.
The tasty scoop of "Oh no!"
And those bastards
who are studying in hostels
and are they're standing
in front of their hostel window
looking at the luscious
greenery and going, "Oh no!"
I'm so mind fucked. Oh no!
I'm so depressed. Oh no!
Why are they depressed?
In front of their hostel
window luscious greenery is there.
Deer is running around.
There is deer running
around in their campus.
Sometimes peacocks are also there.
You know, what I saw outside
my hostel window, guys?
When I opened my hostel window,
I saw another window.
And maximum one lizard is on it.
Oh no!
The reason why I hate
engineers the most is
because they truly think
they are the true victims of
the Indian education system.
They really think they're like,
"The worst things have
happened to us only." Oh no!
"How did this happen? Oh no!"
Them with their dumb ass problems.
They are not,
they are not the true victims
of the Indian education system.
I'll tell you who the true victims
of the Indian Education system are.
People who are doing B.A Arts.
These poor things don't even
understand that B.A includes Arts.
It is not necessary to say B.A. Arts.
We are doing B.A. Arts.
Hello, it is Bachelor of Arts Arts.
It's like Chai Tea.
I want to have Chai Tea.
Same shit bitch!
Same shit!
And these are these fuckers who will do
B.A. Arts and then do M.A. Literature.
And then become veg momos in Nagpur.
You know when God was
making a list of rejects.
Saying, these will be the people
who will be constantly rejected.
These will be the people
nobody will fuck in life.
Even in that list B.Sc's
didn't make it, dude.
You know when all these engineers are
doing these fancy ass lab experiments.
You know their labs, with the deer
and what not and they're going, "Oh no!"
"There's only one girl
in engineering. Oh no!"
"How do we think about
her and masturbate? Oh no!"
When engineers have these problems no,
B.Sc's are washing their beakers dude.
And we're going, we are not
even worthy of masturbating. Oh no!
It's okay, I'm not only angry.
I have a solution also...
You know some of you are going to have babies
some of you think you want dogs
That's not happening.
You're going to have babies
you with your "mmm, I love puppies",
Shut the fuck up.
Stuff a puppy inside your fucking...[mumbles]
Animal lovers
That's a separate 1 hour, I'll do it later
All of you people are
going to have babies and then
these babies are going to grow up
and they're going to want a career.
Please make sure
that your kids do B.Com.
Please make sure they do B.Com.
B.Com is the single most
useless degree I have ever seen.
So useless that degree is.
It's so beautifully useless,
there is no point to that degree.
They have the same syllabus
for three years dude.
Same syllabus is being
printed for three years.
First year what is the subject.
Accounts.
Second year Oh Ho, accounts!
Third year, what exactly
is happening in this accounts?
And hopefully these B.Com
at some point will do MBA no?
And then these MBA's
will hire these engineering
mother fuckers and fuck their life up.
That's my time guys.
You guys have been a lovely audience.
the sexiest bitch on
the planet
Sumukhi Suresh!
Okay. Oh! Woah!
Keep clapping! Keep clapping!
Stop it! You don't have to clap.
Yeah!
Wait I have to find a black tape.
Ah! It's got it, got it! Yeah keep clapping.
Oh! Yeah! Good evening Bangalore!
I'm so happy to be here.
So happy!
I'm so happy. I'm just breathing.
I'm so, Bangalore is,
I mean everybody knows this.
This is declaration that
Bangalore is my favourite city.
Everybody knows this.
Like, I don't even think, there is ...
Chennai tries it once in a while.
And I know Chennai.
No, no, the thing is I love Chennai.
And in Chennai, they were like,
you'll pick Bangalore or Chennai,
and I'm like..
You know Chennai
is your first boyfriend,
who gave you good sex.
He gave you good sex,
not like he taught you sex.
But, the second one went oho ho ho....
Excuse me. Yeah!
Cause by the time you
come to the second boyfriend,
you also know a few tricks, uh!
Hello, excuse me!
My name is Sumukhi Suresh.
I do this five minutes later,
so that everyone is
comfortable with me now.
Everyone's like,
"Oh Sumukhi yeah! Got it! Got it!"
They're like, "She's so cute."
"That dimples she
has." That's all I want.
My father named me, actually.
My father named me Sumukhi.
He named me after a prayer called'Lalitha Sahasra Namam'
That's right. The first line
is something something Sumukhi.
So basically he named
me after a Goddess.
Stop it!
But my mother argues, of course.
My mother argues that he named me
after his sexy secretary
who he once had the hots for.
So they keep battling
and I realised okay,
so I'm a goddess and
I'm a sexy secretary.
Basically I'm the Indian
section of YouPorn.
Yeah! So if you want a sexy
secretary singing Aaygiri Nandini,
that's me guys!
I'll be like, "Sir can I file your taxes,
Oh! We know what he's up to.
He goes to Bharatnatyam
performances and goes woo! hoo!
I planned the tour for 'Don't
tell Amma' during June and July, okay.
Everyone told me,
"Sumukhi, don't do it in June, July."
"Don't do it!
Because cricket world cup is happening."
So nobody will come for your show."
People came for my show.
Lots of people came for my show.
It's because dumb boys
don't follow me guys.
Yeah! Yeah!
These smart girls follow me, huh!
And boys who like these
smart girls follow me, relax!
Relax! I got you covered.
Which led, which led to
my Woke friends looking at me
saying that,
"Sumukhi, are you insinuating?"
Cause woke people don't say assume, no?
They say insinuate.
They won't say things like,
"Don't shout."
They'll say, "Don't attack me."
Woke people don't say barbeque,
they say, "Sati "
Oh! We can say it!
Our gender only went through it.
So more, my woke as fuck friends went,
"Sumukhi are you insinuating
that girls don't love cricket?
Are you saying that girls
don't understand cricket?
Is that what you're saying?"
Let me start my show with a PSA. Okay?
Girls / Women / Gender that
associates with girl and women.
We don't have time
to love or hate anything.
Guys, we don't have time.
We don't love or hate anything,
we assess things,
we gauge things.
is it worth loving?
Is it worth hating?
Is he really worth all the love?
Or is he really worth all the hate?
That's what they're constantly thinking.
If he is that guy
who is going to do the kind
favour of going down on me
before I go down on him.
He is going to be like,
"Ma'am, first let me taste the poison,
then you taste it."
If he is that guy,
then I love Sachin Tendulkar dude.
I'll call his square cut,
'what a beauty' all my life.
In fact when I'm cuming, I won't mourn.
I'll say, "Aila!"
But if he is that motherfucker,
who is going to make sure
that I go down on him first
then rush to the shower,
and then take the
shower and then be like,
"Excuse me, can you give me towel?"
Then I'll be like,
"Hmm, I don't understand only sports."
You know how it is right with us girls.
Stereotype, stereotype, stereotype
I'm so sorry.
Sanjay Tendulkar, two separate people.
Is it? So sorry. Bye!"
Fuck! Then I don't like
sports for that bastard.
And you girls also
stop doing this nonsense.
We are like, "Huh who said that.
We love sports, we understand sports."
Shut the fuck up.
They don't have to know that we know.
Just exit a situation going,
"Bye, I don't understand only,
brain peanut, sorry."
That's nice.
I'm a Tamilian, I was raised in Nagpur.
Yeah!
She got it dude!
The moment I said Nagpur, she said,
Hahaha
"That's funny. First joke of the day."
Yeah! My father voluntarily
moved to Nagpur.
Nobody forced him.
He decided,
"I'm going to move to Nagpur"
He wanted to take his
career ahead in Nagpur.
Yeah I know!
His options were Mumbai and Nagpur.
He chose Nagpur.
Because he was like,
"If I go to Mumbai,
I'll get lost in the crowd, Sumukhi?"
I'm like, "Pappa,
whose finding you in Nagpur. Pappa?
It's been so many years.
Nobody is finding him in Nagpur.
My dad is too cute guys.
I know my show is called
'Don't tell Amma'.
But my dad is...
uh, he is a cutie pie."
He's that guy who is so happy,
you want to slap him.
You're just like,
"You know, you are so positive,
one punch if I give you,
you'll be fine or what?"
He is so positive.
I'll give you guys an example, okay.
My dad married my mom and then..
No, no, no, I mean okay, fine.
My dad married my mom, and then
my mom got preggers cause fate, huh!
And then he got so excited, he was like,
"She's preggers, preggers, preggers."
And then my mom was
about to deliver the baby.
He was like delivery,
delivery, delivery.
And then my mom delivered the baby.
And it was a baby boy.
And my father's like, "Oh my God!"
"It's a baby boy."
My mom's like, "Yeah, it's a baby boy."
"But I want a baby girl."
Then she's like,
"I'm not a vending machine."
I give what you gave.
He's like, "But..
but I wanted a baby girl."
"I don't want a baby boy."
He's like, "One more chance,
please one more chance,
give one more chance,
just one small chance,
one more chance, one more chance."
Mom's like, "Yeah that's fine.
For that I'll be vending machine.
No problem."
Then my mom got preggers again.
She delivered baby again.
It was a baby boy again.
My mother delivered. My father
is having post-partum depression.
He got so upset dude.
He just went so agro on my mom.
He's like, "Until we get a baby girl,
we will keep giving birth to babies."
He's the exact opposite of Bihar.
Then my mom got preggers again.
But this time they went to the doctor
and this is where I need
to be with my dad, okay.
They went to the doctor
and the gynaecologist said that,
"Listen, uh..
the baby doesn't look healthy,
so we need to.."
Yeah!
And my mom is like, "Oh my god!"
"Yeah, but it must be."
She was like, "Oh ho ho..."
And my fathers like,
"What is it dumb charades? Four words?"
"Hindi English. English Hindi. "
"Kaho na pyaar hai"
My mom is like, "No no,
the baby's not healthy, so we need to.."
"You know when a dreams shatters in a heartbeat, come on! "
She said, "We need to,
we need to get rid of the baby."
And my father was so upset.
He looked at the doctor and said,
"How can you say that?"
"First you tell me what's
the gender of the baby."
She's like, "It's a baby boy."
"Then okay."
My mom is like,
"How can you do that, it is a baby."
"Oh but baby's not healthy, no dear."
"It's okay, just one only.
We'll have one more."
Then he slept for 45 days on the floor,
he starved for 45 days
so that I was born dude.
What a royal waste of time.
So positive. So he..
I don't understand his USP only.
In a society at that
time that was so patriarchal,
he was like matriarchy,
matriarchy, matriarchy.
What a man!
I'll tell you,
I'll tell you what my dad is.
just imagine an oriental
food festival in your mind
Imagine only, imagining, imagining, huh?
There are lots of Chinese symbols.
We don't even know if it's Chinese.
It's something.
And I go, "Excuse me Chinese."
Maybe they've written
haram zada patiyala.
But we're like sure it's Chinese.
And there are so many
people selling chicken momos,
cause everybody likes chicken momos.
Right. Oh! Chicken momos.
Chicken momos for everyone.
My father is that beautiful
steamer of veg momos.
He is so positive.
He's like I'll make sure I sell.
I'm filled with cabbage, so what!
I will move to Nagpur voluntarily.
And I will demand a girl child.
And actually,
I'm not, I have no problems with Nagpur.
I know people go very like,
"Oh it's a small town.
You know small town problems."
"Everybody knows everybody."
"Our sex life is everybody's problem."
Nobody's sex life.
It's a small town. Shut the fuck up!
No I don't think so. And in fact,
Nagpur is also not a small town.
It's not like a village or a small town.
But it's not a big city also.
It's somewhere stuck in the middle.
It's that boy you fucked
just before marriage.
Just before,
he thinks you're in love with him
He's like, "You'll marry me, no?"
You're like, "I don't like sports."
That's what Nagpur is.
And I love Nagpur.
In fact because Nagpur
worked for me the other way.
I had no friends,
but there was this one cheerleader aunty
who was there for me all my life.
She supported and she anticipated
things for me all my life.
Godbole aunty,
who lived opposite my house.
She loved me.
You know in fifth standard
when I was about to get my period,
she waited on my behalf.
That's how much she loved me,
Like, "Anytime it will happen,
huh, anytime. "
"I'm so happy for you.
Anytime it will happen."
So happy,
and fifth standard also was the time
when all the girls are
waiting for their period.
Because everyone in school was going,
"You can see or what?"
"You can see, it's stained.
You can see?"
"Stained a little bit."
"You can see or what?"
And we're also trying to be secretive,
so that the boys don't find out.
Cause they don't have eyes, no?
So we're all getting up and we're like
Of course you can see.
If you wear full white
and there is a stain,
of course I can see.
I can see from satellite also.
You've made the flag of Japan.
But I didn't get my
period in fifth standard.
Then I waited till seventh standard.
Seventh standard I
thought I'll get my period.
Seventh standard also
is sort of a right page.
When the mango season is just going no,
it's that season.
You might just get it.
But I didn't get.
By the time my mother had given up.
My Amma's like,
"It's not going to happen.
It's not a uterus.
It's a cardboard box."
"Just put some water and dissolve it."
"Don't need, remove it."
That time Godbole aunty
was there for me, dude.
"It will happen. I can see it."
"I can anticipate, it is happening."
Then ninth standard I
finally got my period, guys.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
So happy.
I ran to the school.
I was like I finally got my period.
You can see or what?
Can see or what?
But all being secretive.
But by then the girls had moved on.
Period was no longer an issue, right.
Ninth standard they started liking boys.
"Hey, we can't see the boys, move."
"Move Sumukhi."
At that time Godbole
aunty was there for me, dude.
She was like, "I can see, huh."
"Happy Independence day Japan"
You know while growing up
the situation in our
house was not very good.
We were not extremely rich.
We were quite poor
while we were growing up.
Oh ho ho. Not that poor.
Oh no, she just went....
She's like, "It's a comedy show."
"I thought.."
"It's a comedy show, right?"
"Why is she doing TED talk, why?"
Not that poor.
Not that, not that poor
like I had lice in my head
and monkeys were eating them.
Not that poor.
Not that poor that my
brothers were running around
playing that tyre and stick game.
You know that poverty game
tyre and stick, tyre and stick.
Every time someone is poor,
"Bring out the tyre and stick."
Tyre and stick, tyre and stick.
Not that poor, not that poor.
The problem was not poverty.
It's okay.
Everybody..one fourth
of the population is poor.
We're all like woo hoo!
It's not about that.
The thing is we were poor
people with rich people resume.
Yeah!
I tell you,
my mom, chartered accountant.
She audited the Reserve
Bank of India four times.
[Audience] Woaaah!
What the fuck do
I do with that 'Woaaah!'
What do I do?
Where do I keep it?
You tell me where do I keep it?
When my mom came back from there,
we were like,
" Did you get the keys from there?
You got the key from there?"
"200, 400,
you slipped into your blouse?"
"Why God made blouse, mother. Come on."
My father did his M.A Literature
from University of Trichurapalli.
It's literature. You can't say 'Trichy'.
You have to say whole
thing 'Trichurapalli'.
You have to show your
double chin otherwise its not valid
And why is it that
no one ever told my dad
that literature is a degree
for the richest in the world.
The degree is about reading.
People are reading about reading.
They are reading books.
Then they are reading poetry.
Then if they have time
they're reading books about poetry.
And then they get more time
and they start reading Shakespeare.
Now let me not start
about Shakespeare, huh.
Are you saying I am the only person
who thought he wrote the whole
thing after he smoked marijuana?
Only a person who is
super high on narcotics
can make 'thee',
'thou', 'thee', 'thou' a thing dude.
Only a person who is high as a kite,
you go ask them, "What's your name?"
they'll be like,
"What's there in the name?"
And when we were hungry,
my father is quoting Shakespeare
like that 'thee', 'thou'
"Thou said shut the fuck up appa."
"Come on!"
And while growing up,
I was always a big kid.
Always
Not once was I skinny.
Do you understand the
irony of my situation?
My family was poor
and I am a big kid.
Do you understand the dilemma I'm in?
When my father went to the
silver place to sell silver saying that
"Excuse me, please take silver plate,
give us some money too much poverty."
"Come on come on."
When that is happening,
that man is looking at me.
He's like,
"You are poor, okay I understand."
"What's happening with her?"
"What's happening with her?
What's happening?"
"Where is ma'am getting nutrition from?"
"I don't understand."
Even for that game I wasn't allowed.
My brother they took.
Because my brother
is skinny and he is dark.
That's right.
There's racism in poverty also, huh.
There's one opportunity
where we told our father,
"See, dad listen,
accept the truth.
Just accept it.
And let's just go and
take the ration card."
Cause ration card we hear that
government is giving free things.
Let's take free things."
And my father's like,
"No, if we take the ration card,
then we have to accept
that we are poor."
I'm like, "We should
have accepted that long back.
You know when two nights
back there was no food?
That's the acceptance
letter we were waiting for."
And we are like.. we pushed him.
We are like,
"Please let's go get the ration card."
We all as a family went
to get the ration card.
Cause it's Nagpur.
It's entertainment. Come on.
But my father pulled such a
'veg momo' card so fast.
He didn't get the ration card.
He went straight
and he got the membership
for Rotary club.
Any Rotarians in the house,
give me a cheer.
You're all like, "Hmm, maybe right."
Just pass on this message for me.
Okay say that, Sumukhi said,
"Dear Sir / Ma'am,
To whomsoever it may concern,
respectfully,
please go fuck yourself."
Respectfully, huh, they are elders.
So 'go fuck yourself' has to be there.
Every month they came
for blood donation, dude.
Every month these people
came for blood donation.
Every month donate blood, donate blood.
I don't know who is drinking this blood.
I don't know.
Who is sucking this blood,
I don't understand.
And my mother is also like,
" Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we should donate blood to the poor."
"Hello! Poor.. blood .give.."
Amma's like, "No, it's for charity."
Fucking family is charity.
Give
I'm not against blood donation.
It's just.. my thought was that
if we are donating blood,
we might as well take it and sell it.
You know how much money I will
get for O Positive Brahmin blood?
That's right!
In fact my plan was go to Rotary club,
take any blood and
sell it as Brahmin blood.
It's the same anyway.
Just more delusion in Brahmin blood.
We're like take it, some more delusion,
some more,
come on take it.
Oh casteism, we started it, come on.
We're the pillars.
Might as well make
money out of our delusion.
But the thing is
you know since I grew up
as a poor person
but with rich people resume,
we only hung out with rich people.
Cause we had to maintain our status quo.
I don't know how its spelt.
I don't give a fuck.
Status queoo...
I went to a very la-dee-da school.
Yeah! I know how did I afford it.
Hmm, we didn't pay fees.
The principal was a South Indian.
My mom went up to her.
She's actually a Malayalee.
My mom's like suguna
le suguna le le le le.
Yeah! It was a yeah,
I went to a very la-dee-da school.
So yeah, my mom was,
she made sure it happened dude.
The principal South Indian.
In fact two years back only
I gave the school fees back.
Yeah! Cause principal was like,
"Actually you are popular."
Oh shit, sorry!
My apologies.
The reason my mother you know
kept looking at me
and she said that, "Sumukhi remember,
that you know all richness is all here."
True richness lies here.
True richness is
not in the bank account,
it's right here.
Only a very poor
person can say that huh,
a person filled with poverty
only can pull that line off.
Because I don't think...
It doesn't lie here,
it is in the bank account only
or if it's like that means it lies here.
Correct!
And I love, I love rich people.
I'm a big fan of rich people.
They have sound dude, they have sound.
You know when you are
walking on the street,
you close your eyes
and you can hear them.
They go... [bables]
[Bables]
[Bables] No. Yeah!
They have their ferocious comics.
Ya Hoo!!
I love rich people.
And the school also I went to
full rich people.
I'll tell you how I found out
they were rich people
because they were not people
who packed their lunch and came.
They got their lunch during lunch break.
Yeah!
Because one Ram Dayal
came and gave the lunch.
Cause all these rich people have,
they have ancestry Ram Dayal.
It's different people
but they're all called Ram Dayal.
Ram Dayal's not a person,
it's an idea.
And then Ram Dayal
he brings everyday,
he brings lunch, dude.
And he'll bring hot hot lunch like that.
He'll be like,
"Miss baby, your lunch miss.
Miss baby, your lunch.
Miss Baby,
everything is packed separately.
Lentils are separate.
Miss, the rice is separate,
Miss baby,
the property papers are separate."
Cause they need Ram Dayal
so that they can be as
hospitable as possible, no.
Rich people are very hospitable.
You go to their house any event,
it's super happy,
they'll be like,
"Nimbu paani, nimbu paani,
want some nimbu paani, nimbu paani."
Bank has come for
bankruptcy to their house,
they're gonna bankrupt
the fuck out of their house,
"Nimbu pani,
nimbu pani, nimbu pani, nimbu pani."
Yeah I know!
I love, I love these
kind of rich people.
Cause they're,
they have a certain air of
confidence that nobody can have.
Like I have a friend okay,
she walks out of a mall, okay,
and she's,
she walks out, no she doesn't think,
she thinks she's in Los Angeles,
California or whichever the rich places.
She walks out.
Actually she's in
Kormangalam or something,
but she'll...
She's walking out
with that cold brew cup,
cause poison comes in all versions.
Cause wait and, "Hi."
Nobody's there,
I don't know who she's saying hi to.
She goes, "Hi, how are ya? Oh may gaad!"
And I walk next to them cause
I'm also one Ram Dayal only,
I'm like, Oh my God!
At some point I think
her cold brew finished.
She is like,
"Sumukhi my cold brew is over."
I'm like, "Congratulations!
Poison is finally done."
She's like, "No Sumukhi, my
cold brew is done and now this is waste.
I have generated waste."
I need to put it in the dustbin.
Where's the dustbin?
Where's the dustbin?
I need to put it in
the dustbin right now.
Ram Dayal where's the dustbin?
No, don't open your mouth,
that's not a dustbin.
Where's the dustbin? "
Rich people are always
looking for dustbins.
I'm like, "Hey go home
and put it in the dustbin, no?"
There's dustbin at home."
She's like "No Sumukhi
I generated waste right now.
I need to put it
in the dustbin right now
because I need to save
the en-vi-ronment right now."
And I don't know how
to tell her it's environment.
I don't know.
I told her, "Ma'am with your bank
balance you may even call it a potato
No problem at all."
Because also no, rich people
are always looking to save things
Now they don't have anything
to save about themselves.
They have money, they have family,
they have love, they have everything.
What to save?
Someone told them Earth is combusting.
"Oh my God, earth is combusting.
We must save the earth."
Someone's like, "Glaciers are melting."
"Switch on the AC."
Someone's gone and told them,
saying that,
"Oh my God, we need to save paper."
We need to save paper?
Let's write 'save paper' on chart paper.
And walk around saying,
"Save paper, save paper,
nimbu paani, nimbu paani, save paper."
Also I feel like rich people love,
the other thing they do
is they love going for vacations.
There's one centre main one crowd okay,
in this entire room which
is not responding at all.
Cause they're all those motherfuckers.
I think they're all like,
"We love, so what?"
"Ram Dayal fix her."
Ha ha ha!
Bitches. Ha ha!
You all love going for vacations dude.
And also not any vacation,
there are three types of vacation.
First is that one month vacation,
where they all go to foreign country.
For one month they'll go to,
and they wont go to USA.
Because its now in Bollywood, no?
It's mainstream,
so they all want to go to Europe.
Let's go to Europe.
Let's go to Berlin huh, Berlin.
They'll all go for one month to Berlin.
They are all like,
"Hmm, Berlin is my vibe, ya.
It's my vibe."
Because rich people are allowed vibes.
"It's my vibe ya!
I really want to settle down in Berlin.
You know this food,
this raw fish, this raw vegetables,
this is my true food."
Who needs mozzarella in front of this?
True food!
You know these foreigners who
are walking around and avoiding me
because I am brown,
they are my true people.
True people!
They are, really must shift to Berlin.
And they can never shift to Berlin,
maximum they shift to Malaysia.
Idiots!
But then one month
vacation is so far away.
Then what to do till then?
Have to wait till vacation, no.
That's not possible.
So they pepper.
They pepper their other
vacations in the middle.
They wait for these weekend trips.
These one day treks.
These hikes.
And sometimes these mountain hikes.
Why is that mountain there?
For me to hike it.
I've this friend in Bangalore okay.
He got divorced, cause you know.
Actually he was getting
a divorce, cause,
so rich means some
problem he has to have, no?
Cause rich people,
they can afford a divorce.
Poor people,
they get slapped, they move on.
We call it BDSM and we take it.
This guy, he was getting
a divorce and he came to me and...
He's like,
"Sumukhi I want to save my marriage."
"You know I'm going to make sure I'm,
I go talk to my wife."
I'm like,
"Now you'll go talk to your wife?
What before this you
were sending letters or what?"
Or passing pigeons to each other.
What the fuck?!
No wonder the divorce is happening.
He's like, "No no no, I'm going to talk.
I'm gonna sort this out."
So I'm, I said,
"Yeah, maybe take her for a meal.
Maybe she's just hungry."
You know sometimes we
are just giving you a divorce
cause we're really hungry.
Cause we've not eaten carbs for a while.
Cause we're like we need
to be skinny for our husbands.
I'm like buy her one dosa or something.
He's like, "No no no, I'm going
to take her for a weekend getaway."
I said "Ooh! Sexy times.
Cause after carbs,
we just want sex, so...
I'm like, "That's nice.
You know weekend full of sex,
she'll not think about
divorce for a while."
He's like,
"No Sumukhi, don't be vulgar."
"I'm gonna take her
for a weekend getaway.
We're gonna go fishing together."
He went to Kabini to fish, dude.
They sat in that,
you know that long boat is there no,
those rich people boat.
They were sitting in this side,
they were sitting in this side.
Not looking at each other.
Opposite side they were, and
they were fishing and they were like,
"Babe, did you get some?
No I didn't get some.
Babe did you get some.
No I didn't get some."
Nobody got some.
The reason why the
damn divorce is happening.
What is that boat called ya?
That rich people boat?
Qi noa? What is it?
Canoe, uh? Hello Ram Dayal!
What's up, haan?
And in this ridiculous situation,
that woman actually caught a fish.
I can't fucking believe
she caught a fish.
She caught a fish and she,
she picked it up.
And this guy ran to the other direction,
cause she caught a fish.
And I was like, "Oh my god."
And you know,
I was so happy cause I was like
Okay he ran to the other side,
he made out with her.
and after the boat toppled
and they fell to the water.
They started making out and having sex,
so much sex.
They had water sex.
I read a lot of erotica.
Suck it.
I wish it was that.
He ran to the opposite direction,
not for that.
He picked up that fish
and put it back inside.
Because he needs to
save the en-vi-ron-ment.
She divorced him.
He's now planning to move to Berlin.
Fucking Idiot!
You know the other type of vacation.
The last type of vacation,
which is away from all these vacations
Is that vacation that
you take during New Year's.
All rich people love
taking new year vacation.
Because they want to make sure they
start their new year
vacation on a fresh note.
They want to start their new
year on an adventurous and a fresh note.
So they don't want
to spend it in their house,
which by the way they've
spent so much to decorate.
They sold their kids, kidney, spleen,
everything to decorate the fuck out of
upholstery upholstery
they paint for some time.
They wont, they don't to want spend...
We want to spend it in nature.
On a fresh note.
On first January we
want to watch the sun rise,
with the nature.
Because in the city
sunrise doesn't happen, no?
We're all sitting in darkness.
We're all like you carry on,
you carry on, please please.
No, no, we're sitting in darkness cause
we didn't do booking for sunrise, sorry.
No they did booking
first because Ram Dayal.
Okay. Sorry.
"And we, you know we need
to go for a minimalist camp.
We love minimalist camping.
It's, you know..."
It's prom,
it's impromptu minimalist camping.
Yeah, so that's, its impromptu.
So I'm like, "Okay so you're
gonna take an ST bus and go to the...
Impromptu minimalist camping."
"No Sumukhi, don't be wild.
We'll take an AC SUV and go
all the way to the remote location
for our minimalist camp."
I'm like okay. That much is allowed.
I don't wanna be that shady also.
I was like so okay,
it's a minimalist camp,
you don't really have
to really buy anything.
"No, no,
no we don't have to buy anything.
We'll just stop over
at Decathlon for sometime."
And buy things worth 50,000
rupees for a minimalist camp.
"We're going to buy that uh,
we'll try and buy those blankets
which are environment friendly."
Sorry, en-vi-ron-ment friendly.
"Because I want to make
sure we're going with the nature.
We don't spoil nature."
Then don't go.
Whose telling you to go.
Nobody told you to go.
"We also need to make sure
that we buy those predator jackets."
"You know,
so that the predators don't attack us."
Which predator...
has ever attacked a rich person?
Have you ever seen a
predator attack a rich person?
Because a predator will
never attack a rich person.
An alpha will never attack an alpha.
An alpha will always attack a beta.
If I stand in front of a lion,
lion will attack me three times,
just for fuck's sake.
but if an Ambani is standing in front
of the lion, the lion will be like,
"Sir, do you have some work?"
Need a lion room in
your Antilla or something?
[Growl]
"No sir, not attacking, just sexy."
[Growl]
I'm like fine, you know what,
play this predator predator game,
you play, go for it.
They bought the predator jackets,
they went all the way
to the remote location.
Then they,
and they stopped the car you know
10 kilometres before
the remote location.
They took a hike.
They walked all the way, 10 kilometres,
they were walking for a hike.
And the car was also following
them like one Ram Dayal.
They reached the remote location.
I'm like,
"What are you guys gonna do there."
They're like,
"You know nothing much Sumukhi.
Just gonna be one with the nature."
"Hmm...just cook
in minimalist supplies."
"There wont be enough we'll
cook in minimalist supplies."
"We're just gonna stare
at the stars with no roof
and watch the sunrise
after the stars go away."
"We're gonna snuggle up to each other
and use that uh environment,
en-vi-ron-ment friendly blanket,
just use it and snuggle up."
You know I cooked in minimalist supplies
because there were
only minimalist supplies.
I watched the stars
because there was no roof.
And I had to snuggle up
not because I love my brothers.
Its because there was no space.
I'm like, "Okay.
I'm the pillow, you can sleep here
come on."
My twenty years of poverty
is this bitch's campsite dude.
And obviously by this
time she's very like,
"Sumukhi I mean, I'm getting a feeling
That you don't like me."
Cause rich people no,
they have feelings.
They understand also feelings
Rich people understand feelings most,
because every weekend they're
playing therapy therapy, no.
For a reason they're
playing therapy therapy.
So they understand. I have a feeling.
"Sumukhi, I'm getting this feeling
I feel like you feel
like you don't like me."
And I didn't understand
that sentence for two minutes.
I'm like, "What?"
Go back, go back, go back.
She's like,
"No Sumukhi, you don't like us."
I'm like of course
I don't like you because
you're privileged and I'm jealous.
"No Sumukhi, you don't like me
because we like adventure
and you don't like adventure."
Trust this bitch to come
up with the worst explanation ever.
But I'm a beta guys.
I'm not gonna look at this
alpha and be like fine move it.
No.
At that time I was like,
"Yeah sis you're right, sorry."
But I'll tell you guys,
it's not like I don't like adventure.
I love adventure.
It's just I don't like
rich people adventure.
like adventure for me,
is walking into a five star hotel
and walking out.
Adventure for me is buying
shampoo and conditioner.
That's right.
For the longest time I didn't know
they were two separate hair products.
I thought conditioner
was an anti-depressant.
Because they kept saying
it strengthens your roots,
it strengthens your roots.
I was like, "Oh my god,
I need to strengthen my roots."
I don't even think I have roots.
I just turned up.
Sir, please pack ten
bottles of conditioner,
I need to find roots
And I'm about to drink it,
he's like, "No it's for the hair."
I'm like, "Oh okay okay."
Rich people are doing
these things nowadays, is it?
Adventure for me
is watching a brand new
baby being born in a hospital.
Where the doctor is actually
wearing sterile gloves.
Yeah! Where the husband is happy.
He's like baby push, baby push,
not baby push, baby push.
That's an adventure for me,
because I was born in the kitchen.
They pulled me out with a pair of tongs.
No relax! At least my
veg momo father wanted me.
Give it up for veg momo fathers ya.
Right!
He didn't go 'nahin chahiye',
Amazon cash back delivery.
I can say Amazon.
It's for them only.
The richer you get, the more your
body is aware that you can be beautiful.
Its almost like your body
knows that you can afford beauty.
like your body's like I can
be translucent now, and it's all okay.
I love beautiful people,
because if I like rich people,
of course I like beautiful people.
I love beautiful people, and not that
beauty lies in the inside shit uh,
not that.
I don't have time for that shit.
Do not have time!
The proper, the shallow kind of beauty.
The ones with long noses.
Not so long that it's a hanger.
Not so short that it's Voldemort.
It's the right kind of nose,
it's that button nose that'll
go mi mi mi mi [Squeaks]
You're so cute.
You're such a cute button
Nyun mi mi mi [Squeaks]
That kinda nose.
People whose eyes start,
and they keep going on dude...
They don't stop only,
they starting in Bangalore,
going on till Mysore.
It's not stopping only.
The kajal industry
is because of them only.
Those guys with the sharp jaw lines...
so sharp, they can slice tomatoes.
And that's very difficult
uh you non-cooking fucks.
It's very difficult to slice tomatoes,
because if you tried to slice tomatoes,
it goes put put put [Imitates Squish]
Jaw line! Uh!
Love beautiful people
Look at you.
See this is a, this is another
thing I love about beautiful people.
You go tell them saying,
you're so beautiful,
they'll be like, "Stop it!"
"Stop it!"
"I'm not beautiful at all."
"It's not me,
its the weather that's why."
But deep inside,
they know they're beautiful.
They've not eaten for thirty years now.
"Stop it."
I love, I love the confidence again with
which beautiful people they come,
when they have sec...
Oh by the way,
beautiful people, by beautiful people,
I mean beautiful girls.
Boys, come on yaa!
If I'm self-aware, so can you.
Come on friends.
It's beautiful girls, they
just come and they're like, "I'm here."
And they have to have sex, they're like,
[High Pitch] "I'm here."
"Now you do the work,
I'm here."
"I came, what else do you want!"
And I also feel like beautiful
girls are the only ones
who look amazing when
they eat Nutella dude.
And as they call it, Nyutella.
They love Nutella.
And they are allowed to eat Nutella
because they don't eat anything else.
They look so, they're the only
people who can look nice eating Nutella.
If I eat Nutella,
it looks like I'm eating soil.
Everyone's like, leave it, it's soil.
No, its Nutella.
It's impossible.
But these girls look so pretty,
they go like,
cause they do the whole body thing.
"It's so creamy. It's so hazel nutty."
"I love Nutella."
and their whole thing also is that
every occasion is a Nutella occasion.
"Oh my god,
I'm so happy, let's have Nutella."
"I'm so sad, let's have Nutella."
I mean when they need Nutella,
Nutella is always available for them.
You know, they come in,
they're like, "I need Nutella."
Three bottles is there
inside their cupboard.
If I walk in saying that I want Nutella,
one giant packet of besan is there...
A giant reminder that
I have to fix my face.
[Mocking Tone]
These Nutella girls. I love Nutella.
I know! I know some of you are like,
"Sumukhi,
but according to online articles
beauty lies in the inside."
It's right here!
Same place your mother
said the money is, same.
Beauty lies in the inside.
The thing is, I've seen my insides...
In fact, I see them on a daily basis.
See sometimes I go wooooh! Huh!
I'm not saying I'm ugly, please...
Please, I'm not saying, I love myself.
I am my favourite snack,
that's what it is.
yeah yeah...
I'm just saying my active ingredient
to get things is not my body.
And what's the problem?
like, if I have to get a job,
I'm not going to use
my body like a dumbass.
I want to use hard work and talent.
Okay one person clapped.
Hard work and hard work. Got it.
I can be, if you can be self aware,
I can be self aware
If I have to get a boy, I'm not
going to use my body like a dumb fuck.
I'm gonna use my patronising nature,
my minimirative personality.
That's right!
and the fact that I can
make excellent khichidi guys.
I can make amazing khichidi.
I'm your basic khichidi bitch.
That's right! I'm that khichidi girl.
I don't play fuck boy,
fuck boy with boys...
I meet my boy, I'm like,
"Where's the Vermilion?"
Where is it?
Maang meri bharo,
is not an erotica song for me.
It's a purpose driven song for me.
When I meet a boy, I'm not
going to look at him and be like,
"I need to make sure that we
hang out and then meet the mother."
No, I need to meet the mother right now.
Because in 15 days she
needs to start hating me.
That's why this
relationship will work out.
I'm your basic khichidi girl
when you break, I pick you up,
and I put you together.
Because you're a project,
you're damaged.
That's my type.
That's right!
And all these boys also no,
boys are too two dimensional.
They are not dumb asses.
They are just two dimensional.
Cause for them between
Nutella and khichidi,
They're like, "Oh my god, Nutella.
Nutella is the best,
what a Nutella girl."
She eats Nutella.
Because for them, they thought
that on toast you put only butter.
They're like we thought
only butter is put on toast.
You can put Nutella as well is it?
If she puts Nutella on toast,
Where else she might
be putting Nutella, wow!
He'll keep going,
"Nutella girl,
Nutella girl, Nutella girl.
Where are you Nutella girl?"
Please teach us about
your Nutella culture.
Come on Nutella girl
And when these boys are running
around behind that Nutella girls,
we wait...
We don't run behind,
we hang, we're like, "You go."
No carry on babe.
Cause, we are playing
best friend at that time.
We are the Anjalis
of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.
We wait.
We wait for that bitch to die, no.
Ha ha. We wait.
Because after two
days of eating Nutella,
stomach is bound to get upset.
Stomach will get
upset and he'll be like,
"Oh God mummy, mummy, mummy.
And that time I'm like,
"Baby khichidi and me?"
And boys are not dumb fucks.
They are two dimensional, that's all.
Cause he's also like, "Oh my god,
but you're khichidi, she's Nutella.
That's tastier."
When they have these doubts
you put one spoon of ghee and it's fine.
Cause for these boys no,
if you add ghee to food,
they think you cook
just like his mother.
And the moment you cook
just like his mother, he's like,
"She's my soul mate."
And he's also thinking,
"If she puts ghee in khichidi,
where else she might be putting it?"
I know some of you
bitches are going actually,
"I'm a Nutella and a khichidi girl."
"I'm a Nutella girl from the outside,
but inside I'm a khichidi girl."
Yeah! Some of you
are thinking that, right.
Yeah, fuck you.
Fuck you.
There is no such thing
as Nutella and khichidi girl.
At any given point, you are
either Nutella girl or khichidi girl.
If you really don't believe me,
go home today,
mix Nutella and khichidi together,
tell me how it works.
And if it's disgusting, that's
the disgust you are for thinking it.
Everyone's gonna go home saying,
"Then what kind of a girl am I?"
I'm going to be in
the new buzzfeed quiz.
You know one of the main reasons why
I called my show 'Don't tell Amma' is
cause my mother didn't know that
I did stand up for the longest time.
Yeah! She didn't
In fact I started doing comedy
because I was going
through one heartbreak.
And yeah, and then I didn't
do this whole drinking smoking thing
cause I'm a khichidi girl.
Come on
So I needed to spend time now,
what to do.
So I thought okay I'll
do drama a little bit.
So much drama I do,
might as well use it.
So I went to audition for this,
because this, these,
do you guys know this show 'The Improv?'
I'm part of, yeah? Yeah!
That's right!
So I'm part of the
Improv and at that time,
they're like, "Oh we're looking
for people. We're looking for actors."
And I thought the Improv was a play.
So I went there and
they are like, "We'll give you
one word and you make up one scene."
I'm like, "Oh! These theatre
people have become very lazy."
They have become so lazy,
don't write dialogues also nowadays.
They're like,
"No no, its a comedy show."
You'll do comedy.
I'm like, "Oh yes."
So they were like, "No you're good."
You come next month, you can
start performing. I got so happy.
I got very happy. No I got very happy.
And I called my mom and I'm like,
"Amma I'm part of the Improv,
I'm gonna be performing on stage."
So her exact response to that was...
"Ah! "
I was like,
"No I'm going to be performing on stage,
not alone, there'll be four boys."
"Four boys and you
Ah!"
I'm like, "No ma, its not for free,
the audience will pay
money and they'll come."
"Oh, they'll pay to watch you?"
"Oh if they'll pay to watch you,
you might as well become a prostitute."
And I told her I don't think,
I mean I don't have the
energy to become a prostitute.
So I'm like, "No Amma, I don't think
I have the energy
to become a prostitute."
Mistake dude.
My mom's like, "Oh you know everything."
All these things you
will understand correctly.
She's full extreme.
But I know some of my,
now some of my friends no,
they describe their mothers.
They're like she's very caring.
My mom's very nurturing.
She's very nice and happy.
She's obsessed with Tupperware.
Every party's 'Bring
your own Tupperware' for her.
because you know they
want you to carry Tupperware,
so that you don't have to carry
hot things in your hands, right?
I wish my mother was a Tupperware
mother on a daily basis.
Second to second basis I think.
My mother is not at
all a Tupperware mother.
If I have to carry hot stuff
from position A to position B,
my mother will be like,
"You hold it and walk it."
I'm like,
"But why can't I use Tupperware?"
"Because you need to understand
what this pain is Sumukhi.
You have to bear this pain."
But why am I bearing this pain?
"If you can't bear this pain,
how will you bear child birth?"
Which sounds illogical,
because this is heat,
that is extension.
How am I learning anything?
My mom's crazy. You know she's crazy.
She wild cat.
Full wild cat.
I know some of you are like,
"Oh, you're just saying like that,
that your mom is crazy."
No I mean, she is crazy.
She's fucking crazy.
This is the mother I've
lived away from for so long.
My mother...
I have lived away
from my mom for 13 years.
And how many of you are living away
from your mothers here, give me a cheer.
See so scared,
all of them are going wooh!
Because they're so scared,
their mothers are away, they're like,
"Maybe she's watching."
She's secretly hidden somewhere.
She's like, "I saw...
I saw you bitch."
Yeah! And you know,
when you live away from your mom,
your mothers call you
to check on you, right.
They call you at a particular
time to check on you.
My, and the number of times your mother
calls you is directly proportionate
to how characterless you are.
Yeah! my mom calls
me at 7:30 in the morning.
And she'll behave
like my best friend okay.
Full best friend.
She'll be like, "Hello Sumukhi.
Where are you?"
I'm like, "Ma I'm at home."
"Whose?"
"Uh? Whose home?"
"Who? Tell."
I'm like, "My home."
"Just checking. Good to ask."
Uh ha ha!!
And then she'll call
me at the night, at 9:30
and correctly you know your
mothers call you at that time,
where you're at some beautiful bar
or some beautiful pub
or some beautiful dance floor.
And you're so happy with your existence.
Cause finally, that consensual
penis is coming close to you.
Finally that one man you
have liked is coming close to you.
After 4 hours of walking
through non consensual penises.
Going no, no, no, don't want this,
no not this one as well.
no, no, no, not this, don't want this.
Don't want this range as well.
After walking around so
many non consensual penises,
finally one consensual
penis comes close to you dude.
You look at him and you're like,
"Swami thank you."
Praise the lord!
About to grind your ass,
you're so happy about it.
Correctly your mom will call right then.
So many non consensual penises came,
she wont call dude.
That time her motherhood did not awaken?
She'll correctly call me
when that nice person came to me.
And at 9:30 or 10:30.
Boys if you're looking for the girls,
we're not on the dance floor.
We're in the bathroom.
Cause we've all taken our mothers call,
ran to the bathroom,
found our corner, and gone, "Hello!"
Yeah ma, hello.
Ma, I'm, I'm sleeping ma.
We become national
award winning actresses.
Shabana Azmi,
become drool and all uh, sleeping ma.
Ma, you know I have to
wake up to go temple no ma.
We're so used to lying,
now that sometimes
we take a boy also inside.
We're like come come it's okay,
it will be fine.
Hello ma!
Put the condom first uh.
Hello ma!
But the beauty and the
most dumb thing about us is
we think our mothers don't know.
Oh we think, they don't know
We think we're playing chess
with them using one chess board.
Guys, they, they're playing
chess with us using four chess boards.
You know when we're
lying to our mothers,
and we're saying that ma sleeping ma.
My mother's like,
"oh you're sleeping is it?
Sleep safely."
"Just checking. Good to ask."
They know dude, they know.
But the problem is not when
your mom calls you at the allotted time.
That's not the problem,
cause you're uh,
you're ready for it now.
You know your conversations.
The problem is when your mother
calls you at a non-allotted time.
She's not supposed to call,
then why is she calling?
Why is she calling?
I freak out when my mother
calls me at a non-allotted time.
Because I'm like some
pregnancy kit has reached her.
Cause I don't know about you girls.
I don't know how to
read a pregnancy kit baba.
I'm looking at it I'm like plus,
minus, pink, blue.
You know what,
I'll find out in three months.
Fuck it!
And you boys are also quite crap.
I'm looking at that boy saying that,
"Listen I'm pregnant or what?"
He's like, "This is video game or what?"
This video game?
How to play?
Uh nine months later,
one Mario will come out no...
That time you play
Mortal Combat with him.
Fucking Idiots!
And you cant not take the call also.
Cause you're filled with guilt.
Indian kids especially
are filled with guilts.
Guilts! Uh huh huh
Guilts
You have to take that call.
Because correctly the
time you wont take the call
your mother will have slipped disk.
So you have to take the call,
cause what if it's emergency.
You don't want to be that kid
who gave your mother slipped disk.
So the whole trick is in
the first five seconds of the call.
If you take the call,
the first five seconds
will determine if it's an emergency call
or I will fuck you up call.
Because if its an emergency
call immediately she'll be like,
"Oh my God! oh my God!
Sumukhi, Sumukhi, Sumukhi.
Something like that, right?"
But if your first five seconds go.
And your mother is not going
to make the first move, hello
Excuse me, it's four chessboard time.
You have to make the first move.
And I become a morning RJ so fast,
because I will combat
her negativity with positivity.
Cause I have some veg momo father in me.
I become, like that I become,
"Good morning Amma, how are you?
What a bright sun shiny day."
Let me play a song for you.
Aaigiri Nandhini, maybe?
And my mother's response to that is,
"uhh!"
Hello Amma, bright sun shiny day.
Aaigiri nandhi.
"Uh huh uh huh."
So it's been 20 seconds.
You've said crap and she's said,
"uh huh uh huh."
And you've to address this.
And you're like, "What happened Amma?
Are you crying? Why are you crying?"
"I can't take it.
Sumukhi I cannot tolerate it.
Cannot take it. It's going pak pak."
For the non Tamilians,
"I cannot tolerate this,
my heart is going lab dab lab dab."
So it's been 40 seconds,
and I've gotten two useless sentences.
I cannot tolerate this,
my heart is going lab dab lab dab.
Everybody's heart is
going lab dab lab dab only.
Your's not going ki ka ki ka.
but remember she's the alpha,
you're the khichidi girl.
So you be quiet.
So like, "What happened Amma?
You sound very upset.
Did my father do something wrong?"
And my mother's response, "Right!
You think your father
has done something wrong?"
It's the same sentence.
But the meaning is so different.
How has she done this?
What is this sorcery?
I don't understand.
You know once I went and told my mom,
"Amma, I'm going out."
"You're going out, go out go.
Go go and get spoilt."
Said, "No ma,
I'm just going to go buy sugar."
"You can go buy sugar might
as well become a prostitute."
I still haven't given up.
Cause I also still one
fourth wild cat, bitches.
Huh huh huh
I'm like, "What happened Amma?
Did my brothers do something wrong?"
"That's right girl.
You think your brothers
have done something wrong?"
And the moment your
mother goes supersonic,
you give up.
You're like, "Ma, what happened ma.
Did I do something wrong?"
and you see my tone. It's, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
"Ma, what happened?
Did I do something wrong."
"No, no, no Sumukhi.
What can you do wrong?
You are the girl I gave birth to.
How can you do something wrong?"
You're like, "Let's not go
through this again and again Amma.
Please, just tell
me what did I do wrong?"
"No Sumukhi, if I'm your
mother and you're my daughter,
if I'm your mother
and you're my daughter,
do I have right to
ask you one question?"
I'm like, "Don't ask me if I'm
your daughter. You only told me that."
"No, no, no Sumukhi. If I have
the right to ask you as a mother,
one small question.
Can I ask you Sumukhi. Can I ask you?"
And she's not really giving you a choice.
She's like, "I will tell you.. [in Tamil] As me"
I'm like, "what is it Ma?
Tell me, tell me, what is it?"
"Sumukhi, I can ask you, na?" I said,
"Of course you can ask me..."
"Sumukhi,where were you yesterday
at 2?"
These are those moments
where you take a step back
and you reassess your life.
You could have done
things so differently.
When she asked you this question,
you could have cut the call.
You could have left the country.
Or you could have drank kerosene.
Or you could have
done all three together,
cut the call, ran to another
country while drinking kerosene.
But what did I do ?
I'm like, "Ma, a.m. or p.m. Amma?"
And my mother thinks that, you know,
the only way she can stop me
from roaming in the middle of the night,
is by getting me married.
She's like, once you get married,
all of this will stop.
Actually your mom doesn't want
you to get married for happy life.
She wants you to get married so that the
authorised signatory
can go to someone else.
The moment you get
married and you fuck up,
She'll be like, "I'm done.
Not my problem bitches."
They're waiting.
They're like,
"It's the husbands fault, yes!"
I raised her very well.
That husband is only fucker.
And my mother's been
wanting me to get married.
I'm 31. My mother
wanted me married at 1.
In the beginning, when I,
at 21 my mom wanted
me to marry anything.
She'll be like, "As long as something
marries her, I'm fine with it."
Just want to get rid of it.
At 25, slowly she's like, "Hmm I'm okay.
One B.Com is also fine."
"M.Com is also fine."
For the past two years,
I've been meeting only engineers.
Any engineers in the house?
Give me a cheer!
Yeah! Come on you guys.
You guys are the engineers.
The beacon of hope in this country
Give me a bigger cheer.
Any engineers in the house?
Give me a cheer.
Fuck you guys! Fuck you guys!
Fuck you guys!
This is the average size
of a man's penis in India.
Please personally fuck it.
Please!
I give you full consent to fuck it.
You engineers never stop complaining!
Oh no, we were made
to do engineering. Oh no!
My mother forced me
to do engineering, Oh no!
My father forced me
to do engineering. Oh no!
I actually wanted to
become a photographer. Oh no!
Fuckers, anyway you'll
become photographer only.
I hate them, dude! I hate engineers.
So much they cry.
Every article is about them.
Every video is about them.
Oh no! Oh no!
Fuck!
Especially these engineers who uh,
these IIT Engineers.
Oh Amma, oh ho ho.
The tasty scoop of "Oh no!"
And those bastards
who are studying in hostels
and are they're standing
in front of their hostel window
looking at the luscious
greenery and going, "Oh no!"
I'm so mind fucked. Oh no!
I'm so depressed. Oh no!
Why are they depressed?
In front of their hostel
window luscious greenery is there.
Deer is running around.
There is deer running
around in their campus.
Sometimes peacocks are also there.
You know, what I saw outside
my hostel window, guys?
When I opened my hostel window,
I saw another window.
And maximum one lizard is on it.
Oh no!
The reason why I hate
engineers the most is
because they truly think
they are the true victims of
the Indian education system.
They really think they're like,
"The worst things have
happened to us only." Oh no!
"How did this happen? Oh no!"
Them with their dumb ass problems.
They are not,
they are not the true victims
of the Indian education system.
I'll tell you who the true victims
of the Indian Education system are.
People who are doing B.A Arts.
These poor things don't even
understand that B.A includes Arts.
It is not necessary to say B.A. Arts.
We are doing B.A. Arts.
Hello, it is Bachelor of Arts Arts.
It's like Chai Tea.
I want to have Chai Tea.
Same shit bitch!
Same shit!
And these are these fuckers who will do
B.A. Arts and then do M.A. Literature.
And then become veg momos in Nagpur.
You know when God was
making a list of rejects.
Saying, these will be the people
who will be constantly rejected.
These will be the people
nobody will fuck in life.
Even in that list B.Sc's
didn't make it, dude.
You know when all these engineers are
doing these fancy ass lab experiments.
You know their labs, with the deer
and what not and they're going, "Oh no!"
"There's only one girl
in engineering. Oh no!"
"How do we think about
her and masturbate? Oh no!"
When engineers have these problems no,
B.Sc's are washing their beakers dude.
And we're going, we are not
even worthy of masturbating. Oh no!
It's okay, I'm not only angry.
I have a solution also...
You know some of you are going to have babies
some of you think you want dogs
That's not happening.
You're going to have babies
you with your "mmm, I love puppies",
Shut the fuck up.
Stuff a puppy inside your fucking...[mumbles]
Animal lovers
That's a separate 1 hour, I'll do it later
All of you people are
going to have babies and then
these babies are going to grow up
and they're going to want a career.
Please make sure
that your kids do B.Com.
Please make sure they do B.Com.
B.Com is the single most
useless degree I have ever seen.
So useless that degree is.
It's so beautifully useless,
there is no point to that degree.
They have the same syllabus
for three years dude.
Same syllabus is being
printed for three years.
First year what is the subject.
Accounts.
Second year Oh Ho, accounts!
Third year, what exactly
is happening in this accounts?
And hopefully these B.Com
at some point will do MBA no?
And then these MBA's
will hire these engineering
mother fuckers and fuck their life up.
That's my time guys.
You guys have been a lovely audience.