Door to Door (2002) Movie Script
the fans at Ebbets Field, by jumping all
over their cross-town rivals, the Yankees...
and their 17-game winner,
"Bullet" Bob Hurley...
for eight runs, to gain their first victory
in the Subway Series.
The Dodgers were led
by Roy Campanella...
who cranked three hits
and drove in three runs.
It's a fluke. Got to be a fluke.
Them bums are geriatrics.
Robinson's the youngest,
and he's going on 65!
Huh, Billy?
Dodgers' manager Walt Alston
refused to panic...
starting Johnny Podres...
They better start Whitey tonight.
Yeah.
the young lefty
cruised through nine easy innings...
Yeah, Johnny Podres.
"Johnny-come-lately" more like.
Bread rises faster than his fastball.
Happy birthday, Johnny!
I'm Mike Wallace with a sensational
discovery for better baking and frying.
It's Golden Fluffo...
Still, you have to give him some credit,
this Podres kid.
It couldn't have been too easy for him,
right?
What with the pressure and all...
You look like a million.
There. Take a look.
Now listen. It takes people
a wee bit longer to warm up to you.
Just be patient. Patient and persistent.
You're gonna be great.
And those cases, they're heavy.
Hell, a lot of the guys
are carrying two cases with them.
I admire your determination, but...
And the walking...
You understand what I'm getting at?
I just don't see any way this can work.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for coming in.
All the October statements.
Mr. Hernandez.
Give me your worst route.
Give me the area nobody wants.
What have you got to lose?
If I can sell it, you're a hero.
Mr. Porter, let's be honest.
This is a physically demanding job...
and you're crippled. And I don't see how-
What?
Praise the Lord.
Nervous?
Yeah.
Nuts, I was gonna make you a lunch.
No!
Good for me.
I guess I'm a little nervous, too.
I guess you are.
What are you waiting for?
Them to come to the car?
Go sell some soap.
- Meet you here at 5:00?
- All right.
'Morning.
May I be candid with you?
The greatest value in our catalogue...
is the double-strength vanilla extract.
It comes in the four-ounce, six-ounce...
That's right!
I told you I'd call the cops.
My God! Look what they're doing. Larry!
We got a call...
Officer, I've done the research.
It's hanging over our property,
and the law says-
Do you see my feet? That's pine tar.
I've got white carpeting.
Now I've got a sticky green path...
from the front door to-
Look where your front door is,
look where the tree is.
- Look what they've done!
- Calm down.
What kind of people would do this?
They've butchered it!
Will you stop?
I have tried gasoline and turpentine,
and it smells like a garage.
Good morning.
My name is Bill Porter...
and I would like to take a moment
of your time to tell you...
about some of the many
fine Watkins products available.
Of course, they all come
with a 100 percent money back guarantee.
I don't think so.
Who is it?
Some charity guy.
I mean it, you got to get ready to go, now.
Don't let the dog out.
My name is Bill Porter and I was-
Peanut, would you shut the hell up?
Get back. Sit!
Sheri, will you get your damn dog?
I swear to God. What?
My name is Bill Porter...
and I was wondering
if I could take a moment of your time...
to show you some
of the many fine Watkins products-
Joey, I told you to put your pants on.
I once had a fish named Joey.
Grab him, would you?
Sheri, your damn dog got out. Damn it!
I'm in the bathroom!
Peanut! Come here. Peanut!
May I be candid with you?
The greatest value in our catalogue...
is the double-strength vanilla extract.
It comes in the four, eight,
and 12-ounce sizes.
Obviously, the 12-ounce is the best value.
Look, I really don't need anything...
but I respect what you're doing so much.
I'd like to help you.
Please, take it.
I don't need charity.
But you need spot remover.
Look at your couch, it's appalling.
No solicitors, sir.
I'm from the Watkins Company.
What? No solicitors, sir.
What?
What?
I'm from the Watkins Company.
No. Rules, sir!
What do you want?
I don't know, I'm tired of egg salad.
Here, let me get that for you.
Thanks.
May I be candid with you?
Yes.
No. Candid. May I be candid?
Absolutely.
In my experience, the greatest value...
in our catalogue
is the triple-action laundry detergent.
And at $3.95 a box...
you can see what a great saving that is.
How many may I put you down for?
Two.
Really?
And a large bleach.
May I ask you to fill in the order for me?
Of course.
Would you like a drink?
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I put a little vodka in there.
Is it too much for you?
I probably shouldn't.
I walk like a drunken sailor as it is.
I wouldn't feel good about myself...
if I didn't tell you about
our fabric softener.
I must have walked 10 miles today.
Now, Billy, don't push yourself so hard.
You must be patient. You can't expect-
I made a sale.
You did?
Yeah!
Almost $50.
See, you can do anything.
I can do this.
I know you can.
I made $4.25 today...
and I'm gonna blow every penny of it.
I'm taking you out on the town.
I took a sip, it was vodka.
What did you do?
What could I do? I swallowed it!
Billy, this is for you.
It being your first day.
Dad's watch.
"Dad's watch. "
Quit it.
They gave it to him in the Grand Ballroom,
the Drake Hotel.
He doesn't care. He's a retard.
How do you know?
I bought a dress for $23.
Your father nearly had a heart attack.
Chicago was all lit up.
Excuse me.
Could I borrow your ketchup, please?
Yeah, sure.
I'm so sorry.
I must be a retard or something.
- I told you not to call him a retard.
- What are you laughing at?
And the World's Fair.
Peterson had a display there.
Your dad was top salesman
three years running.
He was an amazing salesman.
Amazing.
He could sell you the ring
off your own finger.
And what a handsome man.
What a time we had.
He was a very handsome man.
And you look just like him.
My point in telling you this long story
is that if anyone should ever call you...
and say, "Is Peter Rabbit there?"
don't hang up, it's me.
So I've had many ups and downs
in show business.
What are you watching?
I don't know, but he's funny. Who is that?
It's Jack Paar.
He looks different.
It must be his hair or something.
Where are my glasses?
I'm going to bed. I'm a working man now.
Excuse me, working man,
pick up that glass.
I let the servants go early tonight.
I can see the tremendous effort
you're putting into this.
I know it can't be easy,
but you're not even close...
It's only been four days.
I understand, but the average...
You're gonna have to hit at least-
I'm building. It takes time.
I know that, but-
Just give me to the end of the month.
We had a complaint.
From a woman on Chestnut Street.
She said you scared her little boy.
You can see my problem.
Hi! My name is Lyle!
You can call me Lyle or Glyle or Mr. Pyle.
But, whatever you do, don't smile.
You better not smile.
Who is it, Joey?
Mr. Pyle.
Who?
Mr. Pyle.
What the hell. Come on in.
This is really a lovely home.
Mom?
Mother?
Wanna go to a few more houses?
Let's go. What are you gonna say?
Oh, I can tell, look at that hat.
Mrs. Warren, have you seen my mother?
No. Not today.
No, she is missing. You don't understand.
I don't know. I was at work.
At work!
How long do we have to wait
before we can file the-
Hold on.
Thank you very much. I'm fine.
I'll walk you, ma'am.
No, it's all right.
You don't have to see me in.
They said you were on Washington Street.
What were you doing over there?
Just some shopping.
I wanted some shoes. Did you eat?
There aren't any shoe stores
on Washington Street.
I got turned around, and it got dark...
and I ended up on Washington Street.
I'm gonna fix some lamb chops.
Would you set the table?
Sorry I worried you, Billy.
Why didn't you call?
I couldn't remember our number.
Billy.
I think there's something wrong with me.
This man just showered
with a new kind of soap.
New Light Boy Mint Refresher.
A soap so loaded with mint...
so tangy, so frosty, it drives wives...
wicked.
Soap has never smelled this good before.
New Light Boy Mint Refresher
drives wives...
wicked.
A Northwest Mounty!
And he's been trailing
this desperate character for three years!
I wouldn't leave you, Bill.
Thanks, Benny.
Running a little late this morning.
'Morning, sir. There you go.
Monarch Plaza Hotel.
'Morning, Bill.
How's the baby?
Much better.
I got one for you.
Lay it on me.
A traveling salesman passes a farmhouse.
He sees a pig with a wooden leg.
He says to the farmer,
"What's with the wooden leg?"
The farmer says, "That's a very special pig.
"A few months back,
our house caught fire...
"... the pig came in, woke us up...
"... and saved my whole family! "
So the salesman says,
"But why the wooden leg?"
"Hold on," the farmer says.
"My little girl was playing in the road...
"... and one of those logging trucks
lost its brakes.
"The pig ran out
and dragged her to safety. "
"That's amazing! " says the salesman.
"But why the wooden leg?"
"Well," says the farmer...
"you don't eat a pig like that all at once! "
That's good. That's real good.
I'm gonna remember that one.
"You don't eat a pig like that all at once! "
Did you have breakfast?
Yeah.
What did you have? Because you look thin.
A couple of chickens
and a Delmonico steak.
Pass me that newspaper.
Dotty's girl is getting married.
He's a mechanic.
Do I know her?
Dotty, next door.
I have to get to work.
I have to go now, too.
No, Mom, you can't.
I'm going home.
No, you have to stay here.
Why?
Because why. You know why.
They care for you here.
Okay.
You'll come home this weekend.
I'll see you tonight.
Billy?
Give her the Havilland tea set.
Who?
That girl.
For the wedding.
I'll see you tonight.
Do you have the checkbook?
Of course I do.
Good morning.
We can't right now, Bill. We're late.
Bill, are you going next door?
Yeah.
Would you tell those people? You see this?
This is the number for Animal Control.
If they do not shut up that stupid dog-
Bill, could you do me a favor?
Could you explain to him
that's not our dog? That's the Wyler's dog.
And I've been over that 100 times,
and I've told them that.
It is not the Wyler's dog.
It is a yapping dog.
The Wyler's have a collie.
That's right. This is a yapping dog.
If they want to talk about noise,
tell them to close...
the damn window
if they're gonna play the hi-fi.
Are they deaf?.
Every night! At 2:00, 3:00 in the morning.
This dog is, "Yap, yap, yap. "
How can you live like that?
How many times can you listen to
My Boyfriend's Back? Okay! He's back.
And there's gonna be trouble.
You can bet there's gonna be trouble.
Tree mutilators!
Outlet pass, and that's a...
He's not gonna miss that...
no chance to get
this game under control...
I don't think your-
Oh, man.
who's got a game-high 22 points...
and there's the give-and-go!
and he missed the lay-up...
Bill, you going to the bus?
Hop in and I'll give you a ride.
That's all right, Mr. Winters.
I'm going right by there.
No, that's all right, thank you.
Don't be stupid, get in.
Take it outside.
I'm warning you for the last time!
Mrs. Kotlarenko!
Mr. Porter! Your mother is eating dinner.
Where?
She's good, nice dinner, in the back.
She's good, everything's good.
He be okay. Epileptic. That's all.
Where's my mother's suitcase?
Suitcase?
We're leaving.
Yes. We're leaving.
There are cold cuts
in the refrigerator for lunch.
She'll be fine.
Mama?
I'll be home about 7:00.
Mrs. Warren is gonna check in with you.
She'll make you lunch.
Mama, please!
Just go.
Don't worry about her.
I'll keep an eye on her.
I'm gonna do some cleaning, Billy.
The place is a mess.
Good morning. My name is Bill Porter.
I'm with the Watkins Company.
You're a salesman?
Yeah.
No, thank you. I don't need anything.
Are these orchids?
Yes.
They're hard to grow. I know, I've tried.
You have a spot of something
on your shirt.
Our laundry detergent is concentrated.
So, just one...
- Hi.
- Hey.
- You off to school?
- Yeah.
- Good morning.
- 'Morning.
- I'm Bill Porter.
- Brad Gutierrez.
You live in the neighborhood?
He rents a room from me.
Guys, I need you to step outside.
I need to spray in here.
Alan, that stuff's gonna kill you.
Thank you. Go outside, smoke a cigarette.
I hate that stuff.
It's for bugs?
Yeah.
Has he tried peppermint soap?
I don't think so.
What about this?
- Are you sure that stuff is not bad for you?
- Sure.
I will. Okay, 'bye.
Athens, Morocco, someplace else...
It's very sweet of him...
but what am I gonna do
all by myself on a boat?
Your son sounds like a very generous man.
I think he feels guilty.
Why?
I never see him.
This is a Buddhist monk
who has poured gasoline...
But he's busy. You know, he just...
Oh, my God. What is he doing?
Oh, dear God!
He's protesting the war.
Why do they show them?
Why do they put that on the television?
I made some orange juice.
It's fresh-squeezed.
No, thank you, I have to go.
Bill?
What is that tonic that I like so much?
Beef and iron.
Yes. Could you order me some of that?
And that drain cleaner?
You're out of that?
Yes.
And the dog biscuits. The large size.
Mom?
Mrs. Warren?
Mama?
You see, now I have the proof.
- Can you bring the suitcases in for her?
- Sure.
- My glasses.
- Here.
- Mom.
- I can't... What...
- You got them.
- No.
They're in your purse.
It looks really nice, doesn't it?
They gave you lots of linens.
I'm a burden.
What?
I'm a burden on you.
Well, now we're even.
Three traveling salesmen,
they're driving through the country.
Their car breaks down.
They go to the farmhouse.
The farmer says, "You can spend
the night, but there's only one bed. "
The next morning,
the guy on the right-hand side says:
"I had the weirdest dream.
"I dreamed that someone
was playing with me in the night. "
The guy on the left-hand side says:
"I had the same dream.
Somebody was playing with me. "
And the guy in the middle says,
"Really? I dreamed I was skiing. "
Man, that's all right. I like that one.
Come on, let me do your shoes.
That's funny. I like that one.
I'm gonna be telling that one.
L3 and 4, L4 and 5, L5, S1.
You see how these discs
are all compressed?
That's what's giving you all the pain.
You still making your own deliveries?
You're gonna have to stop doing that.
I got to make the deliveries.
Hire someone.
You're looking at spinal stenosis
if you keep going the way you're going.
I want you to wear a brace
for a few weeks...
and I'm writing you a prescription
for the inflammation.
Take this seriously, Bill.
If you don't take care of your back,
it's only a matter of time.
You won't be walking.
How's your mother?
She's hanging in.
How was the tomato sauce?
It was really good.
- I'm gonna put you down for some more.
- Okay.
We also have a tarragon-dill dressing.
You're gonna love it.
Yeah.
Hi. I'm here to see Bill Porter.
That's me. You're here about the job?
Yeah.
Come on in.
Is this deliveries in a car?
Yeah, come on in. Sit down.
I don't want to use my car
for too much driving.
It said "must have car" in the paper.
It's just... My car...
This isn't what I'm looking for.
How about shutting the door?
Good morning!
You look good.
Arkansas versus Texas.
This is new.
It's got eucalyptus.
I'm so proud of you.
It was a beautiful speech you made.
Funny.
Earnest, that was a wonderful speech.
We had to do a cardiac catheterization.
The full amount?
No. $400.
Bill, with your condition,
you could collect disability.
I'm working.
I know, but I'm saying,
if you weren't working...
But I am working!
I just wanna make sure
you're aware of what's available to you.
I have a job.
I know.
I'm a salesman. For Watkins!
I know you are.
Bill.
Hi, Larry.
I thought you were... Nobody's here.
We don't need anything.
Larry, I borrowed your...
Between us guys?
Oh, boy.
Hi, Bill.
Okay, honey, let's get you into bed.
I got to get back to work.
I threw up.
Her whole class has it.
Dr. Stewart is home.
I could take Kimmy there.
No, it's nothing. It's just a stomach flu.
I wouldn't mind.
That's okay, Bill. Thanks.
Charlotte.
I think I should take her.
Son of a bitch.
Would you...
Bring her across the street, would you?
Kimmy, honey, you go with Bill
to Mrs. Turner's house. Okay?
- Why?
- Why? Because I...
I don't know, just go.
I just need you to go. Okay?
And tell her I'll be right there.
I threw up pancakes and bananas.
That's a good combination.
Ralphie!
Hey, man.
Look, pal, I don't know what to tell you.
I don't want anything.
I'm never gonna want anything.
Don't come back here, all right?
All right.
Merry Christmas from all of us at Watkins.
I'm gonna bring some rawhide samples
for Clifford.
They're good for when he's teething.
Damn it!
That had frost burn.
Where's Brad?
Brad who? I don't know any Brad.
But let me tell you this.
I'm a grownup. And I deserve to have
an adult relationship.
I'm honest with people
and I deserve honesty in return.
It doesn't terrify me
to have a joint checking account.
It's not like I'm asking
for monogrammed towels or anything!
I treat people with respect,
and I deserve not to be humiliated.
A math teacher.
A bald, 50-year-old math teacher.
How pathetic is that?
Two cents I'd call his wife.
Does he have someplace to go?
I don't know and I don't care.
Merry Christmas from Watkins.
It's got a magnet on the back.
It'll stick to your refrigerator.
Yeah, thanks.
Brad's young. People make mistakes.
You two guys are good together.
Merry Christmas, Bill.
Merry Christmas, Alan.
There you go.
Thank you.
This is for you.
You shouldn't have done that. Thank you.
I have something for you.
How sweet!
There's a magnet on the back.
It'll stick to your refrigerator.
I need a calendar.
Are you sure I can't ask you to stay
for some eggnog?
No, thanks.
Are you all set for Christmas?
Have you got your turkey?
Twelve pounds!
Food Fair gives them to you for free
when you buy $50 worth of groceries.
I'll have to do that next time.
Are you having your family over?
- No, not really. You?
- No.
They're going skiing this year.
That sounds nice.
Colorado, I think.
Merry Christmas, Bill.
You, too, Mrs. Sullivan.
Let me get that.
Let me help you.
No, that's all right.
I'm here for the interview.
I'm Shelly Soentpiet.
Let me get your bag.
Just put it on the table.
Are you sure? I could put it away for you.
No, that's all right.
Okay.
What do you have?
Excuse me?
Your affliction.
Why do you talk like that?
Cerebral palsy.
How do you get that?
From birth.
The doctor squished my head
with the forceps.
It's not catching.
What's the job? Just shopping and...
deliveries and general assistance?
Yeah.
You've got a bulb out.
You got an extra bulb?
Yeah, under the sink.
Oh, okay.
Let's see, I go to Western.
Okay student.
Don't smoke, don't drink, don't like it.
Don't have a choice.
We're Mormon.
Clearly, I'm good with electronics.
Do I have the job?
Hello.
Yes.
Thank you.
"... and the desert shall rejoice,
and blossom as the rose.
"It shall blossom abundantly,
and rejoice even with joy and singing:
"The glory of Lebanon
shall be given unto it...
"... the excellency of Carmel and Sharon...
"... they shall see the glory of the Lord...
"... and the excellency of our God. "
All of our food and spices...
are 100 percent organic.
May I be completely candid with you?
Cool.
I think...
I feel...
I feel that...
Are you all right?
Our greatest value...
I'm sorry.
I'll come back another time.
- Is there something I can-
- No.
I'm sorry.
Good run?
It was great. Can I take a shower here?
I need to go to class right after.
- Sure.
- This is what I was talking to you about.
They make them for the home.
It's a personal computer.
We can do everything on it.
All the accounting, all the billing.
I like my typewriter. It never breaks down.
I finally finished that paper. What a bear.
Good for you!
Hi. How you doing?
- Where do you want these?
- Over there.
Come here, boy.
Here you go, Bill.
Thanks, Brad.
Clifford!
You need anything else?
Some of that dishwashing detergent.
We have dishwashing detergent.
No. I used it up.
Yeah, under the sink.
Alan, I used it.
If you fight, I'm gonna separate you.
I'm gonna put you down
for the four-pound box.
Anything else to go?
Yeah, those go into the van, too.
Hi, Jerry.
Hey, Bill.
What did the doctor say?
It's bizarre. It's some kind of cancer.
Kaposi's sarcoma.
Some skin cancer that only
really old people are supposed to get.
He'll be okay.
He's young. He'll be fine.
Here's what we need.
Shelly, take that catalogue
away from him.
Alan, you love this stuff.
No buying.
No, he's right. You love this stuff.
Those two are like an old married couple.
They've been together forever.
What do you mean?
That's not right. That's a sin.
If you can find somebody to love,
I think that's a good thing.
We don't believe in it.
God made all of us, Shelly.
He doesn't make mistakes.
How's Kimmy?
She's doing good. She's good.
Her father's got her this weekend.
Listen, Bill,
tell him to put a timer on his porch light.
I chased some kids out of there.
He rattles around in that house.
I don't know why he doesn't sell it.
Is he seeing anyone?
I'm sure I don't know.
I think Rhonda's death
was really hard on Bob.
We all take our knocks, don't we?
Life goes on.
What's with her?
It's kind of a long story, but...
You see that tree?
I'll pick you up at a quarter to.
No.
Will you stop?
I'll be here at a quarter of eight.
You better be ready.
I don't want you spending your money-
I can't hear you.
I'm putting on a dress,
for your information.
I think his parents are very...
- Thank you.
- Happy birthday.
Wait.
It makes your wish come true.
Make a wish.
- Come here, birthday boy.
- Thank you.
You know what?
What?
I'm really proud of you tonight.
Why?
You haven't tried to sell laundry detergent
to one person here.
I was gonna hit them up on the way out.
You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me, Shelly.
Do you know that?
Don't get all mushy on me.
Come on.
Where?
Come on.
No.
I don't want to. I don't think so.
Come on!
Watch me, okay?
Joseph Sloan.
Shelly Soentpiet.
Steven Squall.
It took me six years, but I finally did it.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
I wanted you to meet John.
Who's John?
Hey, missy!
- We did it.
- Yeah.
Mom and Dad
are gonna take you to the restaurant.
I thought I lost you there.
- Hi.
- Congratulations.
Thanks. John, this is-
Bill Porter, of course. The "boss. "
It's great to finally meet you.
It's nice to meet you, John.
Two degrees, isn't he annoying?
You know what? We should go.
We're gonna ride with John's dad, right?
My folks will take you over.
Okay.
Thanks for coming!
- We'll meet you at the restaurant.
- Okay.
- 'Bye.
- 'Bye.
Bill, this is turning into a science project.
I don't even know what that was.
Has John decided
which offer he's going to take?
He's leaning towards Bendix.
Where are they?
Chicago.
Chicago?
I know. I can't even think about that.
When?
I don't know.
Damn it!
What?
The "B" sticks.
Get rid of that thing.
We should get a computer.
I can't afford a computer.
Yes, you can.
John could get one real cheap.
We could do everything on it.
I don't like them.
We have electricity
and indoor plumbing now, Bill.
We should just toss that piece of...
Hey, I did those already.
What?
The orders. I already did them. Here.
- Why?
- I had some time, so-
I do the orders.
I know that, but I just-
I do the order forms!
But it takes you so long,
I just thought that-
I don't want you to do them.
All right.
- I have my own way.
- All right.
I have to read them,
so I have to write them.
You're not helping me, Shelly.
If you think you're helping me, you're not.
I'm sorry.
It's just, I have a certain way.
I'm not talking about the forms.
Thanks very much. I appreciate it.
Hey, Bill.
Chuck, congratulations.
Thanks very much. Peter!
Peter.
I'd like you to meet Bill Porter.
- Peter Schaefer.
- Nice to meet you.
Peter's taking over for me.
Welcome to Watkins.
Thank you.
We're gonna miss this guy.
Hey, Porter!
Excuse me.
What's he do?
He's a salesman.
Seriously.
I am serious.
Did you see what happened to Frigidaire?
He's a salesman.
Kelvinator!
What, for us?
Whose idea was that?
Mine.
You are so...
If you made a dollar a year for 5,000 years.
Congratulations, Chuck.
Thanks, Tom.
And thanks everybody for 43 great years.
Thank you.
Chuck, you stay retired.
I don't want to catch you over at Fuller.
Only if they pay me to fly-fish.
like Bardot. Maybe not exactly, right?
But her lips...
I take the lid off, and she leans...
over the couch to smell the stuff,
and her robe kind of...
And I'm staring at two
of the most exquisite...
perfectly shaped, porcelain white ta-tas.
I look up, she's smelling the stuff,
and I say to myself-
Bill Porter.
It's you! You won!
What?
Salesman of the Year. Get up there.
Come on up here, Bill.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
We are so proud to have you
as a part of this company.
This past year, Bill had sales...
of $42,460.
Bill Porter. Salesman of the Year!
I love being a salesman.
My father was a salesman.
I wish he could be here.
And my mother, who taught me...
patience and persistence.
And who would never let me be ashamed.
I wish she could be here today.
Thank you.
Take it to that house over there, okay?
You got it? It's not too heavy?
Wait, hold on.
This is messed up.
Bill, you labeled that wrong.
It's all right.
No. You've got Bob at 825 Elm.
That's Charlotte's.
No, it's all right.
What do you want me to do with the box?
To Bob.
Should I change the label?
- No.
- Bill!
Could someone tell me
where to take this box?
Please take it to that house.
Thank you, Michelle.
Okay.
Okay, fine. It's wrong, but fine.
This must be yours.
Bill got the address wrong.
I'll just leave it right here.
Wait.
It's just junk mail,
but you might want it or whatever.
Want me to take this in the house for you?
Okay.
I got a wall there. This is better.
Larry took that down.
I see you get the barbecue sauce.
Yeah.
Have you tried the lemon garlic?
No.
Is it good?
I don't know. Bill says it is.
Put it on that table.
Yes?
I'm looking for Mrs. Sullivan.
Are you a friend of hers?
She's a customer.
I'm with the Watkins Company.
I'm her daughter-in-law.
Gladys passed away last week.
I didn't know she was sick.
I'm sorry.
How did she die?
It was an accident.
Some kind of reaction
to the medication she was taking.
It was vodka and sleeping pills.
Frank, they don't know that.
Are you Bill Parker?
Bill Porter.
Come here. I want to show you something.
She talked about you...
a lot.
Every year, at Christmas,
no matter what else we'd get...
we'd get the Watkins spice collection...
the soup bases, the liniment.
Dog biscuits...
Damn dog died years ago.
Excuse me.
Hey, Bill. What do you think?
Very nice, Richard.
It was supposed to have been done
months ago. You guys are up on two now.
Okay.
You got a card? You need a security card.
Could you take your hat off, please, sir?
You got to do it fast.
Bingo!
Have a good one.
Pretty cool, huh?
Hello, Peter. What is this?
This is all the 800 number.
Makes us door-to-door guys
look like dinosaurs.
You know, each operator
is selling $300 to $500 an hour.
They're taking orders. They aren't selling.
When you cash a check,
George Washington looks the same.
There's Clark.
A lot of the door-to-door guys
are moving over.
I've never done well on the phone.
Women find my voice sexy,
and I think it distracts them.
You're getting close to retirement anyway,
aren't you?
Not really.
Where's the door-to-door office?
I think it's down there.
Thank you.
Is Rita here?
Rita? I don't know Rita.
She runs the door-to-door division.
She's gone, I think.
Who took her place?
I don't know, man.
I was just told to organize this stuff.
I need product cards
for the new catalogue.
Okay, cool, no problem.
No. I have the new catalogue.
I need the product cards.
Okay, you know what?
I have no idea what that means.
But they're probably here somewhere,
so just check in some of these boxes.
Race you.
No running, guys.
Slow down!
Bill!
Hi, guys.
Hi, Bill.
- Easy, guys, off the bed, please.
- No, that's all right.
- Guess what?
- What?
- You have to close your eyes.
- Bill doesn't want-
No, that's all right. My eyes are closed.
Ready?
- So stupid.
- Okay, that's enough.
- You can have it. It's a present.
- I'm sure Bill will cherish that always.
Thank you.
Michelle, will you take them
to the lounge?
Get some juice out of the machine.
Got some money?
- 'Bye, Bill.
- 'Bye.
- They finally called us back.
- The insurance company?
Yep. They won't budge.
They maintain that some
of your condition was pre-existing.
We can take them to arbitration.
I don't know.
They're digging up X-rays
from 10 years ago.
We've got to go after the bus company.
No.
With the deductible, they're only willing
to cover $22,000 of this.
John's right, we have to sue.
It was my fault.
I was crossing in the middle of the block.
It doesn't matter.
Buses aren't supposed to hit people.
It wasn't their fault.
Pedestrians have the right of way.
No.
Okay, fine!
Then you owe the hospital $18,000.
Which account do you want me
to take that out of?.
And it's not over.
The insurance company's covering half.
You've still got physical therapy,
and home care.
You're looking at $40,000 to $50,000.
I'm gonna sell the house.
What?
It's too big and it costs too much
to keep up.
Where are you gonna go?
Someplace smaller.
I think we can settle
with the bus company.
No.
Just for expenses, out of court.
I'm gonna sell the house.
It's the right thing to do.
Very funny, Bill.
Sorry.
It's the equivalent of eight boxes.
It's super-concentrated.
It comes out to about three cents a load.
But may I be candid?
It's our best value.
It's most effective when used
with the color-fast bleach...
and the fabric softener.
They're designed to work together.
Is the fabric softener scented?
I hate the scented.
I do, too. Ours is very mild.
It's practically unscented.
Okay, wait! Will you wait?
If you fall and break your neck,
I'm gonna break your neck.
It's good to be here.
Yeah? Good, I'm glad.
All right, let me take your coat.
Look at that.
Do you like it?
Yeah.
Good. I figured that the couch
would be your base of operation...
but if you want it someplace different-
No, this is good.
Okay, good. I stocked you up.
Are you hungry?
I'm gonna make some soup.
No, you should get back to the kids.
I'm hungry.
I'm gonna make myself some soup.
Shelly?
Yeah?
I'm going to have to let you go.
Go, where?
I can't pay you,
at least until I go back to work.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Don't start with me, okay?
I can get around.
Please.
What? I have to go to the kitchen...
go to the bathroom...
pretty much in that order.
I'll reduce my hours.
I can't pay you.
You don't have to.
Bill.
You're unbearable.
All right, fine.
I'm not your assistant. I'm your friend.
Your friend is gonna stop by every day
to say hello.
Now I'm gonna make
a friendly bowl of soup.
Under the couch.
What?
Look under the couch.
Initial here.
And sign here.
Congratulations.
The market's been so flat these days,
I'm very happy you got your price.
Why would a corporation want this house?
Investment property.
I think it's a tax thing.
What's the name of the corporation?
The name isn't-
That's my fault. I got the name wrong.
I'll fill that in later.
Good news.
I'll be the leasing agent on this house.
- Have you found a place yet?
- No.
I was thinking maybe you could
lease this back. Just stay here.
How much would the rent be?
What would you feel comfortable with?
Do you think I'm stupid?
Do I think? I know you're stupid.
I don't want charity.
It's not charity. It's an investment.
Then why didn't you tell me?
Why do you think?
I am not going to let you buy my house.
It's too late.
Because you signed the papers.
Bill, wait.
You deceived me.
You treat me like a child.
I do not.
I treat you like someone I care about...
someone who's important to me.
You're part of my family.
No, Shelly. You have a family.
I hired you,
and you treat me with disrespect.
You treat me like a cripple.
You are a cripple! An emotional cripple!
Normal people help each other, Bill.
You're so hung up on your independence.
"I don't need anybody. "
Yeah, like that's normal.
That doesn't make you normal, Bill.
That makes you a freak!
You don't want our help, fine!
Then be out of the house in 30 days.
Do you want me to call you a cab?
I'm calling you a cab.
God!
Whatever you wanna do... That's great.
All right. Good.
Yeah, I think that'll be possible.
Yeah, that's all right.
the whole Internet right at my fingertips.
the news is breaking, I've got Internet.
I could stay a little closer to my family.
You've got mail.
America Online. Easy to use.
Friendly menus.
- Put in the disk, click, you're online.
- We've been working night and day...
- You finished, hon?
- Could be.
- Anything else?
- No. Just the check.
- You a salesman?
- No. I'm a dinosaur.
- You're a dancer?
- Yeah, I'm a dancer.
Disco, mostly.
You go, boy.
Sorry, I didn't know which apartment.
- You're Bill Porter, right?
- Yes.
Hi, I'm Joey Wallace. Portland Daily News.
- Hi.
- Sorry I scared you there.
Guess we're even.
How do you mean?
You scared me when I was a little kid,
remember? You had that hand puppet.
Kyle Pyle.
Wallace. 362 Chestnut.
You've got an amazing memory.
It's very impressive. May I?
No, I have to go...
I'll get right to the point, then.
I want to write a story
about a door-to-door salesman.
Last of a dying...
Loss of a tradition.
It wouldn't necessarily
have to be just about you.
Thank you, but, no.
Take my card, then.
If you change your mind.
I guess this is where I'm supposed
to plant my foot...
try to keep you
from closing the door on me.
No, don't do that. That never works.
I have to go.
That's the kind of thing
I thought we could talk about.
Can I come in?
Nice. Love what you've done
with the place.
Very funny, Shelly. What do you want?
There were three boxes
that were never delivered.
What should I do with them?
Can you deliver them for me?
You want me to help you?
I'll pay you.
I see, so that's how it works.
Forget it. I'll take care of it myself.
Shut up. Of course I'll deliver the boxes.
I'll take care of it, I said.
Fine. They're in my car.
I'II leave them by the front door.
You quit your job.
You're a celebrity.
I said no. I didn't want him to write that.
Listen, Bill.
I've been thinking about the fight we had.
Maybe I said some things...
Then you go and quit your job.
I just thought-
No. We both said things.
And the job...
It was time.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna take up kickboxing.
It's a nice article. You should read it.
I never really took notice,
until he wasn't there anymore.
This odd man with the funny walk
and the briefcase, and his hat set just so.
One day, he just stopped coming.
Man, my chilblains are killing me.
These hands are so dry. Tried everything.
He was a thread...
an invisible thread in our neighborhood...
which tied us together...
bringing us news:
Who died...
who moved away...
who just got married.
He's a door-to-door salesman
for the Watkins Company...
who many considered unemployable.
Mr. Porter, that was a wonderful article
in the paper.
I didn't want that.
Is Peter in?
Hi, Bill. It was a great article in the paper.
I didn't want him to write that.
Hey, Bill, how you doing?
Can I talk to you?
I was just heading out. What's up?
I want my territory back, Peter.
We've shut that department down.
There is no more door-to-door.
I don't need a department. AII I need is-
Bill, you did the right thing.
You had an amazing run.
It's over. Retire. Go fishing, enjoy yourself.
I don't want to go fishing. I wanna work.
There must be something you can do.
Have you checked
with the employment office?
Carla, I'm gonna be gone until 2:30.
If Stickley calls-
Peter! Don't run off. I need two minutes.
Great seeing you, Bill. Best of luck to you.
Wonderful piece in the paper, Bill.
I'd like to put a copy of it
in the shareholder's report.
What do I care? I'm going fishing.
What piece in the paper?
Get off the bus.
A salesman drives down
a dark country road...
completely lost.
After a time, he runs out of gas.
Luckily, there's a farmhouse
just down the road.
He goes to the farmhouse
and knocks on the door.
The farmer's wife comes to the door
and says, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, " he says, "you can.
"I've run out of gas, and I've lost my way. "
I'll bet you anything... Try this.
That the cream you've been using
has an alcohol base.
She says, "You can spend the night. "
Put some of this on your fingers.
Tell me if your wife wouldn't enjoy this.
"But I don't have a daughter...
"... and you'll have a nice room
all to yourself.
"We don't have any farm animals. "
All right, Bob, I'm gonna bring you
some of the samples next week.
That's fine, Bill. But, no promises.
Don't worry.
"My husband and I are happily married. "
A beautiful day.
Have a good one, Bill.
The salesman looks around confused...
and then he turns back
to the farmer's wife and says:
"Gosh. I must be in the wrong joke! "
English
over their cross-town rivals, the Yankees...
and their 17-game winner,
"Bullet" Bob Hurley...
for eight runs, to gain their first victory
in the Subway Series.
The Dodgers were led
by Roy Campanella...
who cranked three hits
and drove in three runs.
It's a fluke. Got to be a fluke.
Them bums are geriatrics.
Robinson's the youngest,
and he's going on 65!
Huh, Billy?
Dodgers' manager Walt Alston
refused to panic...
starting Johnny Podres...
They better start Whitey tonight.
Yeah.
the young lefty
cruised through nine easy innings...
Yeah, Johnny Podres.
"Johnny-come-lately" more like.
Bread rises faster than his fastball.
Happy birthday, Johnny!
I'm Mike Wallace with a sensational
discovery for better baking and frying.
It's Golden Fluffo...
Still, you have to give him some credit,
this Podres kid.
It couldn't have been too easy for him,
right?
What with the pressure and all...
You look like a million.
There. Take a look.
Now listen. It takes people
a wee bit longer to warm up to you.
Just be patient. Patient and persistent.
You're gonna be great.
And those cases, they're heavy.
Hell, a lot of the guys
are carrying two cases with them.
I admire your determination, but...
And the walking...
You understand what I'm getting at?
I just don't see any way this can work.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for coming in.
All the October statements.
Mr. Hernandez.
Give me your worst route.
Give me the area nobody wants.
What have you got to lose?
If I can sell it, you're a hero.
Mr. Porter, let's be honest.
This is a physically demanding job...
and you're crippled. And I don't see how-
What?
Praise the Lord.
Nervous?
Yeah.
Nuts, I was gonna make you a lunch.
No!
Good for me.
I guess I'm a little nervous, too.
I guess you are.
What are you waiting for?
Them to come to the car?
Go sell some soap.
- Meet you here at 5:00?
- All right.
'Morning.
May I be candid with you?
The greatest value in our catalogue...
is the double-strength vanilla extract.
It comes in the four-ounce, six-ounce...
That's right!
I told you I'd call the cops.
My God! Look what they're doing. Larry!
We got a call...
Officer, I've done the research.
It's hanging over our property,
and the law says-
Do you see my feet? That's pine tar.
I've got white carpeting.
Now I've got a sticky green path...
from the front door to-
Look where your front door is,
look where the tree is.
- Look what they've done!
- Calm down.
What kind of people would do this?
They've butchered it!
Will you stop?
I have tried gasoline and turpentine,
and it smells like a garage.
Good morning.
My name is Bill Porter...
and I would like to take a moment
of your time to tell you...
about some of the many
fine Watkins products available.
Of course, they all come
with a 100 percent money back guarantee.
I don't think so.
Who is it?
Some charity guy.
I mean it, you got to get ready to go, now.
Don't let the dog out.
My name is Bill Porter and I was-
Peanut, would you shut the hell up?
Get back. Sit!
Sheri, will you get your damn dog?
I swear to God. What?
My name is Bill Porter...
and I was wondering
if I could take a moment of your time...
to show you some
of the many fine Watkins products-
Joey, I told you to put your pants on.
I once had a fish named Joey.
Grab him, would you?
Sheri, your damn dog got out. Damn it!
I'm in the bathroom!
Peanut! Come here. Peanut!
May I be candid with you?
The greatest value in our catalogue...
is the double-strength vanilla extract.
It comes in the four, eight,
and 12-ounce sizes.
Obviously, the 12-ounce is the best value.
Look, I really don't need anything...
but I respect what you're doing so much.
I'd like to help you.
Please, take it.
I don't need charity.
But you need spot remover.
Look at your couch, it's appalling.
No solicitors, sir.
I'm from the Watkins Company.
What? No solicitors, sir.
What?
What?
I'm from the Watkins Company.
No. Rules, sir!
What do you want?
I don't know, I'm tired of egg salad.
Here, let me get that for you.
Thanks.
May I be candid with you?
Yes.
No. Candid. May I be candid?
Absolutely.
In my experience, the greatest value...
in our catalogue
is the triple-action laundry detergent.
And at $3.95 a box...
you can see what a great saving that is.
How many may I put you down for?
Two.
Really?
And a large bleach.
May I ask you to fill in the order for me?
Of course.
Would you like a drink?
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I put a little vodka in there.
Is it too much for you?
I probably shouldn't.
I walk like a drunken sailor as it is.
I wouldn't feel good about myself...
if I didn't tell you about
our fabric softener.
I must have walked 10 miles today.
Now, Billy, don't push yourself so hard.
You must be patient. You can't expect-
I made a sale.
You did?
Yeah!
Almost $50.
See, you can do anything.
I can do this.
I know you can.
I made $4.25 today...
and I'm gonna blow every penny of it.
I'm taking you out on the town.
I took a sip, it was vodka.
What did you do?
What could I do? I swallowed it!
Billy, this is for you.
It being your first day.
Dad's watch.
"Dad's watch. "
Quit it.
They gave it to him in the Grand Ballroom,
the Drake Hotel.
He doesn't care. He's a retard.
How do you know?
I bought a dress for $23.
Your father nearly had a heart attack.
Chicago was all lit up.
Excuse me.
Could I borrow your ketchup, please?
Yeah, sure.
I'm so sorry.
I must be a retard or something.
- I told you not to call him a retard.
- What are you laughing at?
And the World's Fair.
Peterson had a display there.
Your dad was top salesman
three years running.
He was an amazing salesman.
Amazing.
He could sell you the ring
off your own finger.
And what a handsome man.
What a time we had.
He was a very handsome man.
And you look just like him.
My point in telling you this long story
is that if anyone should ever call you...
and say, "Is Peter Rabbit there?"
don't hang up, it's me.
So I've had many ups and downs
in show business.
What are you watching?
I don't know, but he's funny. Who is that?
It's Jack Paar.
He looks different.
It must be his hair or something.
Where are my glasses?
I'm going to bed. I'm a working man now.
Excuse me, working man,
pick up that glass.
I let the servants go early tonight.
I can see the tremendous effort
you're putting into this.
I know it can't be easy,
but you're not even close...
It's only been four days.
I understand, but the average...
You're gonna have to hit at least-
I'm building. It takes time.
I know that, but-
Just give me to the end of the month.
We had a complaint.
From a woman on Chestnut Street.
She said you scared her little boy.
You can see my problem.
Hi! My name is Lyle!
You can call me Lyle or Glyle or Mr. Pyle.
But, whatever you do, don't smile.
You better not smile.
Who is it, Joey?
Mr. Pyle.
Who?
Mr. Pyle.
What the hell. Come on in.
This is really a lovely home.
Mom?
Mother?
Wanna go to a few more houses?
Let's go. What are you gonna say?
Oh, I can tell, look at that hat.
Mrs. Warren, have you seen my mother?
No. Not today.
No, she is missing. You don't understand.
I don't know. I was at work.
At work!
How long do we have to wait
before we can file the-
Hold on.
Thank you very much. I'm fine.
I'll walk you, ma'am.
No, it's all right.
You don't have to see me in.
They said you were on Washington Street.
What were you doing over there?
Just some shopping.
I wanted some shoes. Did you eat?
There aren't any shoe stores
on Washington Street.
I got turned around, and it got dark...
and I ended up on Washington Street.
I'm gonna fix some lamb chops.
Would you set the table?
Sorry I worried you, Billy.
Why didn't you call?
I couldn't remember our number.
Billy.
I think there's something wrong with me.
This man just showered
with a new kind of soap.
New Light Boy Mint Refresher.
A soap so loaded with mint...
so tangy, so frosty, it drives wives...
wicked.
Soap has never smelled this good before.
New Light Boy Mint Refresher
drives wives...
wicked.
A Northwest Mounty!
And he's been trailing
this desperate character for three years!
I wouldn't leave you, Bill.
Thanks, Benny.
Running a little late this morning.
'Morning, sir. There you go.
Monarch Plaza Hotel.
'Morning, Bill.
How's the baby?
Much better.
I got one for you.
Lay it on me.
A traveling salesman passes a farmhouse.
He sees a pig with a wooden leg.
He says to the farmer,
"What's with the wooden leg?"
The farmer says, "That's a very special pig.
"A few months back,
our house caught fire...
"... the pig came in, woke us up...
"... and saved my whole family! "
So the salesman says,
"But why the wooden leg?"
"Hold on," the farmer says.
"My little girl was playing in the road...
"... and one of those logging trucks
lost its brakes.
"The pig ran out
and dragged her to safety. "
"That's amazing! " says the salesman.
"But why the wooden leg?"
"Well," says the farmer...
"you don't eat a pig like that all at once! "
That's good. That's real good.
I'm gonna remember that one.
"You don't eat a pig like that all at once! "
Did you have breakfast?
Yeah.
What did you have? Because you look thin.
A couple of chickens
and a Delmonico steak.
Pass me that newspaper.
Dotty's girl is getting married.
He's a mechanic.
Do I know her?
Dotty, next door.
I have to get to work.
I have to go now, too.
No, Mom, you can't.
I'm going home.
No, you have to stay here.
Why?
Because why. You know why.
They care for you here.
Okay.
You'll come home this weekend.
I'll see you tonight.
Billy?
Give her the Havilland tea set.
Who?
That girl.
For the wedding.
I'll see you tonight.
Do you have the checkbook?
Of course I do.
Good morning.
We can't right now, Bill. We're late.
Bill, are you going next door?
Yeah.
Would you tell those people? You see this?
This is the number for Animal Control.
If they do not shut up that stupid dog-
Bill, could you do me a favor?
Could you explain to him
that's not our dog? That's the Wyler's dog.
And I've been over that 100 times,
and I've told them that.
It is not the Wyler's dog.
It is a yapping dog.
The Wyler's have a collie.
That's right. This is a yapping dog.
If they want to talk about noise,
tell them to close...
the damn window
if they're gonna play the hi-fi.
Are they deaf?.
Every night! At 2:00, 3:00 in the morning.
This dog is, "Yap, yap, yap. "
How can you live like that?
How many times can you listen to
My Boyfriend's Back? Okay! He's back.
And there's gonna be trouble.
You can bet there's gonna be trouble.
Tree mutilators!
Outlet pass, and that's a...
He's not gonna miss that...
no chance to get
this game under control...
I don't think your-
Oh, man.
who's got a game-high 22 points...
and there's the give-and-go!
and he missed the lay-up...
Bill, you going to the bus?
Hop in and I'll give you a ride.
That's all right, Mr. Winters.
I'm going right by there.
No, that's all right, thank you.
Don't be stupid, get in.
Take it outside.
I'm warning you for the last time!
Mrs. Kotlarenko!
Mr. Porter! Your mother is eating dinner.
Where?
She's good, nice dinner, in the back.
She's good, everything's good.
He be okay. Epileptic. That's all.
Where's my mother's suitcase?
Suitcase?
We're leaving.
Yes. We're leaving.
There are cold cuts
in the refrigerator for lunch.
She'll be fine.
Mama?
I'll be home about 7:00.
Mrs. Warren is gonna check in with you.
She'll make you lunch.
Mama, please!
Just go.
Don't worry about her.
I'll keep an eye on her.
I'm gonna do some cleaning, Billy.
The place is a mess.
Good morning. My name is Bill Porter.
I'm with the Watkins Company.
You're a salesman?
Yeah.
No, thank you. I don't need anything.
Are these orchids?
Yes.
They're hard to grow. I know, I've tried.
You have a spot of something
on your shirt.
Our laundry detergent is concentrated.
So, just one...
- Hi.
- Hey.
- You off to school?
- Yeah.
- Good morning.
- 'Morning.
- I'm Bill Porter.
- Brad Gutierrez.
You live in the neighborhood?
He rents a room from me.
Guys, I need you to step outside.
I need to spray in here.
Alan, that stuff's gonna kill you.
Thank you. Go outside, smoke a cigarette.
I hate that stuff.
It's for bugs?
Yeah.
Has he tried peppermint soap?
I don't think so.
What about this?
- Are you sure that stuff is not bad for you?
- Sure.
I will. Okay, 'bye.
Athens, Morocco, someplace else...
It's very sweet of him...
but what am I gonna do
all by myself on a boat?
Your son sounds like a very generous man.
I think he feels guilty.
Why?
I never see him.
This is a Buddhist monk
who has poured gasoline...
But he's busy. You know, he just...
Oh, my God. What is he doing?
Oh, dear God!
He's protesting the war.
Why do they show them?
Why do they put that on the television?
I made some orange juice.
It's fresh-squeezed.
No, thank you, I have to go.
Bill?
What is that tonic that I like so much?
Beef and iron.
Yes. Could you order me some of that?
And that drain cleaner?
You're out of that?
Yes.
And the dog biscuits. The large size.
Mom?
Mrs. Warren?
Mama?
You see, now I have the proof.
- Can you bring the suitcases in for her?
- Sure.
- My glasses.
- Here.
- Mom.
- I can't... What...
- You got them.
- No.
They're in your purse.
It looks really nice, doesn't it?
They gave you lots of linens.
I'm a burden.
What?
I'm a burden on you.
Well, now we're even.
Three traveling salesmen,
they're driving through the country.
Their car breaks down.
They go to the farmhouse.
The farmer says, "You can spend
the night, but there's only one bed. "
The next morning,
the guy on the right-hand side says:
"I had the weirdest dream.
"I dreamed that someone
was playing with me in the night. "
The guy on the left-hand side says:
"I had the same dream.
Somebody was playing with me. "
And the guy in the middle says,
"Really? I dreamed I was skiing. "
Man, that's all right. I like that one.
Come on, let me do your shoes.
That's funny. I like that one.
I'm gonna be telling that one.
L3 and 4, L4 and 5, L5, S1.
You see how these discs
are all compressed?
That's what's giving you all the pain.
You still making your own deliveries?
You're gonna have to stop doing that.
I got to make the deliveries.
Hire someone.
You're looking at spinal stenosis
if you keep going the way you're going.
I want you to wear a brace
for a few weeks...
and I'm writing you a prescription
for the inflammation.
Take this seriously, Bill.
If you don't take care of your back,
it's only a matter of time.
You won't be walking.
How's your mother?
She's hanging in.
How was the tomato sauce?
It was really good.
- I'm gonna put you down for some more.
- Okay.
We also have a tarragon-dill dressing.
You're gonna love it.
Yeah.
Hi. I'm here to see Bill Porter.
That's me. You're here about the job?
Yeah.
Come on in.
Is this deliveries in a car?
Yeah, come on in. Sit down.
I don't want to use my car
for too much driving.
It said "must have car" in the paper.
It's just... My car...
This isn't what I'm looking for.
How about shutting the door?
Good morning!
You look good.
Arkansas versus Texas.
This is new.
It's got eucalyptus.
I'm so proud of you.
It was a beautiful speech you made.
Funny.
Earnest, that was a wonderful speech.
We had to do a cardiac catheterization.
The full amount?
No. $400.
Bill, with your condition,
you could collect disability.
I'm working.
I know, but I'm saying,
if you weren't working...
But I am working!
I just wanna make sure
you're aware of what's available to you.
I have a job.
I know.
I'm a salesman. For Watkins!
I know you are.
Bill.
Hi, Larry.
I thought you were... Nobody's here.
We don't need anything.
Larry, I borrowed your...
Between us guys?
Oh, boy.
Hi, Bill.
Okay, honey, let's get you into bed.
I got to get back to work.
I threw up.
Her whole class has it.
Dr. Stewart is home.
I could take Kimmy there.
No, it's nothing. It's just a stomach flu.
I wouldn't mind.
That's okay, Bill. Thanks.
Charlotte.
I think I should take her.
Son of a bitch.
Would you...
Bring her across the street, would you?
Kimmy, honey, you go with Bill
to Mrs. Turner's house. Okay?
- Why?
- Why? Because I...
I don't know, just go.
I just need you to go. Okay?
And tell her I'll be right there.
I threw up pancakes and bananas.
That's a good combination.
Ralphie!
Hey, man.
Look, pal, I don't know what to tell you.
I don't want anything.
I'm never gonna want anything.
Don't come back here, all right?
All right.
Merry Christmas from all of us at Watkins.
I'm gonna bring some rawhide samples
for Clifford.
They're good for when he's teething.
Damn it!
That had frost burn.
Where's Brad?
Brad who? I don't know any Brad.
But let me tell you this.
I'm a grownup. And I deserve to have
an adult relationship.
I'm honest with people
and I deserve honesty in return.
It doesn't terrify me
to have a joint checking account.
It's not like I'm asking
for monogrammed towels or anything!
I treat people with respect,
and I deserve not to be humiliated.
A math teacher.
A bald, 50-year-old math teacher.
How pathetic is that?
Two cents I'd call his wife.
Does he have someplace to go?
I don't know and I don't care.
Merry Christmas from Watkins.
It's got a magnet on the back.
It'll stick to your refrigerator.
Yeah, thanks.
Brad's young. People make mistakes.
You two guys are good together.
Merry Christmas, Bill.
Merry Christmas, Alan.
There you go.
Thank you.
This is for you.
You shouldn't have done that. Thank you.
I have something for you.
How sweet!
There's a magnet on the back.
It'll stick to your refrigerator.
I need a calendar.
Are you sure I can't ask you to stay
for some eggnog?
No, thanks.
Are you all set for Christmas?
Have you got your turkey?
Twelve pounds!
Food Fair gives them to you for free
when you buy $50 worth of groceries.
I'll have to do that next time.
Are you having your family over?
- No, not really. You?
- No.
They're going skiing this year.
That sounds nice.
Colorado, I think.
Merry Christmas, Bill.
You, too, Mrs. Sullivan.
Let me get that.
Let me help you.
No, that's all right.
I'm here for the interview.
I'm Shelly Soentpiet.
Let me get your bag.
Just put it on the table.
Are you sure? I could put it away for you.
No, that's all right.
Okay.
What do you have?
Excuse me?
Your affliction.
Why do you talk like that?
Cerebral palsy.
How do you get that?
From birth.
The doctor squished my head
with the forceps.
It's not catching.
What's the job? Just shopping and...
deliveries and general assistance?
Yeah.
You've got a bulb out.
You got an extra bulb?
Yeah, under the sink.
Oh, okay.
Let's see, I go to Western.
Okay student.
Don't smoke, don't drink, don't like it.
Don't have a choice.
We're Mormon.
Clearly, I'm good with electronics.
Do I have the job?
Hello.
Yes.
Thank you.
"... and the desert shall rejoice,
and blossom as the rose.
"It shall blossom abundantly,
and rejoice even with joy and singing:
"The glory of Lebanon
shall be given unto it...
"... the excellency of Carmel and Sharon...
"... they shall see the glory of the Lord...
"... and the excellency of our God. "
All of our food and spices...
are 100 percent organic.
May I be completely candid with you?
Cool.
I think...
I feel...
I feel that...
Are you all right?
Our greatest value...
I'm sorry.
I'll come back another time.
- Is there something I can-
- No.
I'm sorry.
Good run?
It was great. Can I take a shower here?
I need to go to class right after.
- Sure.
- This is what I was talking to you about.
They make them for the home.
It's a personal computer.
We can do everything on it.
All the accounting, all the billing.
I like my typewriter. It never breaks down.
I finally finished that paper. What a bear.
Good for you!
Hi. How you doing?
- Where do you want these?
- Over there.
Come here, boy.
Here you go, Bill.
Thanks, Brad.
Clifford!
You need anything else?
Some of that dishwashing detergent.
We have dishwashing detergent.
No. I used it up.
Yeah, under the sink.
Alan, I used it.
If you fight, I'm gonna separate you.
I'm gonna put you down
for the four-pound box.
Anything else to go?
Yeah, those go into the van, too.
Hi, Jerry.
Hey, Bill.
What did the doctor say?
It's bizarre. It's some kind of cancer.
Kaposi's sarcoma.
Some skin cancer that only
really old people are supposed to get.
He'll be okay.
He's young. He'll be fine.
Here's what we need.
Shelly, take that catalogue
away from him.
Alan, you love this stuff.
No buying.
No, he's right. You love this stuff.
Those two are like an old married couple.
They've been together forever.
What do you mean?
That's not right. That's a sin.
If you can find somebody to love,
I think that's a good thing.
We don't believe in it.
God made all of us, Shelly.
He doesn't make mistakes.
How's Kimmy?
She's doing good. She's good.
Her father's got her this weekend.
Listen, Bill,
tell him to put a timer on his porch light.
I chased some kids out of there.
He rattles around in that house.
I don't know why he doesn't sell it.
Is he seeing anyone?
I'm sure I don't know.
I think Rhonda's death
was really hard on Bob.
We all take our knocks, don't we?
Life goes on.
What's with her?
It's kind of a long story, but...
You see that tree?
I'll pick you up at a quarter to.
No.
Will you stop?
I'll be here at a quarter of eight.
You better be ready.
I don't want you spending your money-
I can't hear you.
I'm putting on a dress,
for your information.
I think his parents are very...
- Thank you.
- Happy birthday.
Wait.
It makes your wish come true.
Make a wish.
- Come here, birthday boy.
- Thank you.
You know what?
What?
I'm really proud of you tonight.
Why?
You haven't tried to sell laundry detergent
to one person here.
I was gonna hit them up on the way out.
You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me, Shelly.
Do you know that?
Don't get all mushy on me.
Come on.
Where?
Come on.
No.
I don't want to. I don't think so.
Come on!
Watch me, okay?
Joseph Sloan.
Shelly Soentpiet.
Steven Squall.
It took me six years, but I finally did it.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
I wanted you to meet John.
Who's John?
Hey, missy!
- We did it.
- Yeah.
Mom and Dad
are gonna take you to the restaurant.
I thought I lost you there.
- Hi.
- Congratulations.
Thanks. John, this is-
Bill Porter, of course. The "boss. "
It's great to finally meet you.
It's nice to meet you, John.
Two degrees, isn't he annoying?
You know what? We should go.
We're gonna ride with John's dad, right?
My folks will take you over.
Okay.
Thanks for coming!
- We'll meet you at the restaurant.
- Okay.
- 'Bye.
- 'Bye.
Bill, this is turning into a science project.
I don't even know what that was.
Has John decided
which offer he's going to take?
He's leaning towards Bendix.
Where are they?
Chicago.
Chicago?
I know. I can't even think about that.
When?
I don't know.
Damn it!
What?
The "B" sticks.
Get rid of that thing.
We should get a computer.
I can't afford a computer.
Yes, you can.
John could get one real cheap.
We could do everything on it.
I don't like them.
We have electricity
and indoor plumbing now, Bill.
We should just toss that piece of...
Hey, I did those already.
What?
The orders. I already did them. Here.
- Why?
- I had some time, so-
I do the orders.
I know that, but I just-
I do the order forms!
But it takes you so long,
I just thought that-
I don't want you to do them.
All right.
- I have my own way.
- All right.
I have to read them,
so I have to write them.
You're not helping me, Shelly.
If you think you're helping me, you're not.
I'm sorry.
It's just, I have a certain way.
I'm not talking about the forms.
Thanks very much. I appreciate it.
Hey, Bill.
Chuck, congratulations.
Thanks very much. Peter!
Peter.
I'd like you to meet Bill Porter.
- Peter Schaefer.
- Nice to meet you.
Peter's taking over for me.
Welcome to Watkins.
Thank you.
We're gonna miss this guy.
Hey, Porter!
Excuse me.
What's he do?
He's a salesman.
Seriously.
I am serious.
Did you see what happened to Frigidaire?
He's a salesman.
Kelvinator!
What, for us?
Whose idea was that?
Mine.
You are so...
If you made a dollar a year for 5,000 years.
Congratulations, Chuck.
Thanks, Tom.
And thanks everybody for 43 great years.
Thank you.
Chuck, you stay retired.
I don't want to catch you over at Fuller.
Only if they pay me to fly-fish.
like Bardot. Maybe not exactly, right?
But her lips...
I take the lid off, and she leans...
over the couch to smell the stuff,
and her robe kind of...
And I'm staring at two
of the most exquisite...
perfectly shaped, porcelain white ta-tas.
I look up, she's smelling the stuff,
and I say to myself-
Bill Porter.
It's you! You won!
What?
Salesman of the Year. Get up there.
Come on up here, Bill.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
We are so proud to have you
as a part of this company.
This past year, Bill had sales...
of $42,460.
Bill Porter. Salesman of the Year!
I love being a salesman.
My father was a salesman.
I wish he could be here.
And my mother, who taught me...
patience and persistence.
And who would never let me be ashamed.
I wish she could be here today.
Thank you.
Take it to that house over there, okay?
You got it? It's not too heavy?
Wait, hold on.
This is messed up.
Bill, you labeled that wrong.
It's all right.
No. You've got Bob at 825 Elm.
That's Charlotte's.
No, it's all right.
What do you want me to do with the box?
To Bob.
Should I change the label?
- No.
- Bill!
Could someone tell me
where to take this box?
Please take it to that house.
Thank you, Michelle.
Okay.
Okay, fine. It's wrong, but fine.
This must be yours.
Bill got the address wrong.
I'll just leave it right here.
Wait.
It's just junk mail,
but you might want it or whatever.
Want me to take this in the house for you?
Okay.
I got a wall there. This is better.
Larry took that down.
I see you get the barbecue sauce.
Yeah.
Have you tried the lemon garlic?
No.
Is it good?
I don't know. Bill says it is.
Put it on that table.
Yes?
I'm looking for Mrs. Sullivan.
Are you a friend of hers?
She's a customer.
I'm with the Watkins Company.
I'm her daughter-in-law.
Gladys passed away last week.
I didn't know she was sick.
I'm sorry.
How did she die?
It was an accident.
Some kind of reaction
to the medication she was taking.
It was vodka and sleeping pills.
Frank, they don't know that.
Are you Bill Parker?
Bill Porter.
Come here. I want to show you something.
She talked about you...
a lot.
Every year, at Christmas,
no matter what else we'd get...
we'd get the Watkins spice collection...
the soup bases, the liniment.
Dog biscuits...
Damn dog died years ago.
Excuse me.
Hey, Bill. What do you think?
Very nice, Richard.
It was supposed to have been done
months ago. You guys are up on two now.
Okay.
You got a card? You need a security card.
Could you take your hat off, please, sir?
You got to do it fast.
Bingo!
Have a good one.
Pretty cool, huh?
Hello, Peter. What is this?
This is all the 800 number.
Makes us door-to-door guys
look like dinosaurs.
You know, each operator
is selling $300 to $500 an hour.
They're taking orders. They aren't selling.
When you cash a check,
George Washington looks the same.
There's Clark.
A lot of the door-to-door guys
are moving over.
I've never done well on the phone.
Women find my voice sexy,
and I think it distracts them.
You're getting close to retirement anyway,
aren't you?
Not really.
Where's the door-to-door office?
I think it's down there.
Thank you.
Is Rita here?
Rita? I don't know Rita.
She runs the door-to-door division.
She's gone, I think.
Who took her place?
I don't know, man.
I was just told to organize this stuff.
I need product cards
for the new catalogue.
Okay, cool, no problem.
No. I have the new catalogue.
I need the product cards.
Okay, you know what?
I have no idea what that means.
But they're probably here somewhere,
so just check in some of these boxes.
Race you.
No running, guys.
Slow down!
Bill!
Hi, guys.
Hi, Bill.
- Easy, guys, off the bed, please.
- No, that's all right.
- Guess what?
- What?
- You have to close your eyes.
- Bill doesn't want-
No, that's all right. My eyes are closed.
Ready?
- So stupid.
- Okay, that's enough.
- You can have it. It's a present.
- I'm sure Bill will cherish that always.
Thank you.
Michelle, will you take them
to the lounge?
Get some juice out of the machine.
Got some money?
- 'Bye, Bill.
- 'Bye.
- They finally called us back.
- The insurance company?
Yep. They won't budge.
They maintain that some
of your condition was pre-existing.
We can take them to arbitration.
I don't know.
They're digging up X-rays
from 10 years ago.
We've got to go after the bus company.
No.
With the deductible, they're only willing
to cover $22,000 of this.
John's right, we have to sue.
It was my fault.
I was crossing in the middle of the block.
It doesn't matter.
Buses aren't supposed to hit people.
It wasn't their fault.
Pedestrians have the right of way.
No.
Okay, fine!
Then you owe the hospital $18,000.
Which account do you want me
to take that out of?.
And it's not over.
The insurance company's covering half.
You've still got physical therapy,
and home care.
You're looking at $40,000 to $50,000.
I'm gonna sell the house.
What?
It's too big and it costs too much
to keep up.
Where are you gonna go?
Someplace smaller.
I think we can settle
with the bus company.
No.
Just for expenses, out of court.
I'm gonna sell the house.
It's the right thing to do.
Very funny, Bill.
Sorry.
It's the equivalent of eight boxes.
It's super-concentrated.
It comes out to about three cents a load.
But may I be candid?
It's our best value.
It's most effective when used
with the color-fast bleach...
and the fabric softener.
They're designed to work together.
Is the fabric softener scented?
I hate the scented.
I do, too. Ours is very mild.
It's practically unscented.
Okay, wait! Will you wait?
If you fall and break your neck,
I'm gonna break your neck.
It's good to be here.
Yeah? Good, I'm glad.
All right, let me take your coat.
Look at that.
Do you like it?
Yeah.
Good. I figured that the couch
would be your base of operation...
but if you want it someplace different-
No, this is good.
Okay, good. I stocked you up.
Are you hungry?
I'm gonna make some soup.
No, you should get back to the kids.
I'm hungry.
I'm gonna make myself some soup.
Shelly?
Yeah?
I'm going to have to let you go.
Go, where?
I can't pay you,
at least until I go back to work.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Don't start with me, okay?
I can get around.
Please.
What? I have to go to the kitchen...
go to the bathroom...
pretty much in that order.
I'll reduce my hours.
I can't pay you.
You don't have to.
Bill.
You're unbearable.
All right, fine.
I'm not your assistant. I'm your friend.
Your friend is gonna stop by every day
to say hello.
Now I'm gonna make
a friendly bowl of soup.
Under the couch.
What?
Look under the couch.
Initial here.
And sign here.
Congratulations.
The market's been so flat these days,
I'm very happy you got your price.
Why would a corporation want this house?
Investment property.
I think it's a tax thing.
What's the name of the corporation?
The name isn't-
That's my fault. I got the name wrong.
I'll fill that in later.
Good news.
I'll be the leasing agent on this house.
- Have you found a place yet?
- No.
I was thinking maybe you could
lease this back. Just stay here.
How much would the rent be?
What would you feel comfortable with?
Do you think I'm stupid?
Do I think? I know you're stupid.
I don't want charity.
It's not charity. It's an investment.
Then why didn't you tell me?
Why do you think?
I am not going to let you buy my house.
It's too late.
Because you signed the papers.
Bill, wait.
You deceived me.
You treat me like a child.
I do not.
I treat you like someone I care about...
someone who's important to me.
You're part of my family.
No, Shelly. You have a family.
I hired you,
and you treat me with disrespect.
You treat me like a cripple.
You are a cripple! An emotional cripple!
Normal people help each other, Bill.
You're so hung up on your independence.
"I don't need anybody. "
Yeah, like that's normal.
That doesn't make you normal, Bill.
That makes you a freak!
You don't want our help, fine!
Then be out of the house in 30 days.
Do you want me to call you a cab?
I'm calling you a cab.
God!
Whatever you wanna do... That's great.
All right. Good.
Yeah, I think that'll be possible.
Yeah, that's all right.
the whole Internet right at my fingertips.
the news is breaking, I've got Internet.
I could stay a little closer to my family.
You've got mail.
America Online. Easy to use.
Friendly menus.
- Put in the disk, click, you're online.
- We've been working night and day...
- You finished, hon?
- Could be.
- Anything else?
- No. Just the check.
- You a salesman?
- No. I'm a dinosaur.
- You're a dancer?
- Yeah, I'm a dancer.
Disco, mostly.
You go, boy.
Sorry, I didn't know which apartment.
- You're Bill Porter, right?
- Yes.
Hi, I'm Joey Wallace. Portland Daily News.
- Hi.
- Sorry I scared you there.
Guess we're even.
How do you mean?
You scared me when I was a little kid,
remember? You had that hand puppet.
Kyle Pyle.
Wallace. 362 Chestnut.
You've got an amazing memory.
It's very impressive. May I?
No, I have to go...
I'll get right to the point, then.
I want to write a story
about a door-to-door salesman.
Last of a dying...
Loss of a tradition.
It wouldn't necessarily
have to be just about you.
Thank you, but, no.
Take my card, then.
If you change your mind.
I guess this is where I'm supposed
to plant my foot...
try to keep you
from closing the door on me.
No, don't do that. That never works.
I have to go.
That's the kind of thing
I thought we could talk about.
Can I come in?
Nice. Love what you've done
with the place.
Very funny, Shelly. What do you want?
There were three boxes
that were never delivered.
What should I do with them?
Can you deliver them for me?
You want me to help you?
I'll pay you.
I see, so that's how it works.
Forget it. I'll take care of it myself.
Shut up. Of course I'll deliver the boxes.
I'll take care of it, I said.
Fine. They're in my car.
I'II leave them by the front door.
You quit your job.
You're a celebrity.
I said no. I didn't want him to write that.
Listen, Bill.
I've been thinking about the fight we had.
Maybe I said some things...
Then you go and quit your job.
I just thought-
No. We both said things.
And the job...
It was time.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna take up kickboxing.
It's a nice article. You should read it.
I never really took notice,
until he wasn't there anymore.
This odd man with the funny walk
and the briefcase, and his hat set just so.
One day, he just stopped coming.
Man, my chilblains are killing me.
These hands are so dry. Tried everything.
He was a thread...
an invisible thread in our neighborhood...
which tied us together...
bringing us news:
Who died...
who moved away...
who just got married.
He's a door-to-door salesman
for the Watkins Company...
who many considered unemployable.
Mr. Porter, that was a wonderful article
in the paper.
I didn't want that.
Is Peter in?
Hi, Bill. It was a great article in the paper.
I didn't want him to write that.
Hey, Bill, how you doing?
Can I talk to you?
I was just heading out. What's up?
I want my territory back, Peter.
We've shut that department down.
There is no more door-to-door.
I don't need a department. AII I need is-
Bill, you did the right thing.
You had an amazing run.
It's over. Retire. Go fishing, enjoy yourself.
I don't want to go fishing. I wanna work.
There must be something you can do.
Have you checked
with the employment office?
Carla, I'm gonna be gone until 2:30.
If Stickley calls-
Peter! Don't run off. I need two minutes.
Great seeing you, Bill. Best of luck to you.
Wonderful piece in the paper, Bill.
I'd like to put a copy of it
in the shareholder's report.
What do I care? I'm going fishing.
What piece in the paper?
Get off the bus.
A salesman drives down
a dark country road...
completely lost.
After a time, he runs out of gas.
Luckily, there's a farmhouse
just down the road.
He goes to the farmhouse
and knocks on the door.
The farmer's wife comes to the door
and says, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, " he says, "you can.
"I've run out of gas, and I've lost my way. "
I'll bet you anything... Try this.
That the cream you've been using
has an alcohol base.
She says, "You can spend the night. "
Put some of this on your fingers.
Tell me if your wife wouldn't enjoy this.
"But I don't have a daughter...
"... and you'll have a nice room
all to yourself.
"We don't have any farm animals. "
All right, Bob, I'm gonna bring you
some of the samples next week.
That's fine, Bill. But, no promises.
Don't worry.
"My husband and I are happily married. "
A beautiful day.
Have a good one, Bill.
The salesman looks around confused...
and then he turns back
to the farmer's wife and says:
"Gosh. I must be in the wrong joke! "
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