Doors Open (2012) Movie Script
1
(DISTANT CHEERING)
(DISTANT CHEERING)
(CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
Oh, what did you do that for?
(WHISTLE BLOWS / APPLAUSE)
(HUMS)
This piece, called simply The Card
Players, Les Joueurs de Carte,
is currently the most expensive
painting in the world.
(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)
(APPLAUSE)
It shows us the two peasants, simple
men of Provence, playing cards.
The table is bare because they can't
even afford to play for money.
And yet this piece
is rumoured recently
to have been sold
for more than $250 million.
(DISTANT CHANTING)
So what do you wanna do? Do you wanna come
to this art thing or go home to Margot?
Would you rather I wasn't there?
I don't wanna cramp your style.
You're not gonna cramp my style.
That's why I asked you to come.
Why would you cramp my style?
Well, you're not there for the art.
Yes, I am. You're not.
It's a damning indictment
on the way we measure art
in today's world
that we focus more on the price
than on the art itself,
on the beauty before us.
It's all a bit pretentious, isn't it
? That's because you don't understand it.
I do. Really? What's your favourite
painting? My favourite painting?
It's a simple question. What's your
favourite painting? McKenzie! Mike!
Charlie Calloway.
How's it going? Not so bad.
Looking good!
Nice to see you, Charlie.
Aye, you, too! I hear you're
doing all right for yourself.
What is it, computers?
Yeah, something like that.
I'm into property myself. Oh, yeah?
100 percent legit.
I've got a big office block if either
of you two gents are interested.
You boys want a wee Babycham? Oh,
we've gotta be somewhere. Next time.
Aye. Nice to see you.
Aye.
That's all for today.
Lovely to see you.
Hello, Mike. Hey, Laura.
Tell me about this.
It's oil on wood, painted in 1895.
It's the artist's wife. She was his
model first and then they got married.
It's definitely got something. Yeah.
But it's not his most
polished work technically
speaking. You see
this smudge here?
He's brushed it with his hand when he
was working on the face or the eyes.
It adds depth to it. Mm.
Do you like it? Yes, I do.
I love it. Ah, there you are.
Guess who I found tucking into the
free booze. I wonder. Professor.
I was getting one for Mike.
Of course you were.
Allan Cruickshank, Laura Stanton.
How do you do?
Nice to meet you, Allan.
Anything caught your eye?
There was an Archibald
Peddie that I rather fancied.
You, Mike?
The Monboddo's worth a look.
Monboddo, really?
Oh, that's interesting.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Back of the net, Mike.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I've had a lot of interest in this
lot and I can start the bidding
at 20,000. I open up at 20,000.
Thank you, gentleman in the front.
20,000. Do I have 22,000?
Good man, 22,000. Do I have 24?
Any more interest at 30,000,
ladies and gentlemen?
32,000, new bidder to my left.
Thank you. 32,000.
The bid is at 32,000. 34?
The bid is at 40,000 in the room.
Any more interest at 40,000?
On the phones, 45,000.
Just got interesting, ladies and gentlemen.
45,000 on the phone. Do we have 50?
Do I have 50,000? Thank you.
50,000 in the room,
ladies and gentlemen.
The bid is at 50,000. Do I have 55?
70,000 in the room,
ladies and gentlemen.
Do I have any more interest
at 70,000? Do I have 75,000?
The bid is at 70,000 in the room.
Do I have any more interest
at 70,000?
Fair warning on 70,000.
Is that as far as we go, 70,000?
(GAVEL BANGS) Sold to the gentleman
on my left for 70,000.
(APPLAUSE)
The Monboddo's yours. It's a gift.
I can't. Why?
Because it's against the rules.
Move in.
Then you can see it every day.
(LAUGHS)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
RADIO: "..a familiar sight
on Edinburgh's famous skyline."
But like many other landmark banks
in the city,
First Cally seems to be feeling
the pressure of the credit crunch
with several jobs
rumoured to be under threat.
Meanwhile, it was officially
confirmed yesterday
that local company McKenzie
Electronics is being
bought out by a Japanese
components company.
"Edinburgh entrepreneur and millionaire
Mike McKenzie was upbeat."
"Opportunities like this don't
come along very often.
It seemed like the right time
to sell up and move on."
Listen, Margot,
you know how things are around here.
There's just not gonna be
those kind of bonuses.
The school fees are killing me
as it is!
I've gotta go. I'll call you back.
Yeah, I promise.
Allan Cruickshank? That's right.
They... We would like to see you
upstairs in human resources.
Right. OK.
Er, just check the old diary.
Erm, you've been scheduled
for 2:15 tomorrow.
2:15?
You must run a very tight
ship up in human resources.
Yes, we're very busy with
all the staff reviews.
Thanks.
(HUMS)
Good morning, Martin.
Morning, professor.
There's somebody waiting for you,
by the way.
I sent him down to the vault.
He's from the bank. Brand new
Mercedes. Top of the range.
(HUMS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(HUMS) Hello, darlings.
I'm very sorry, I don't think
I've had the pleasure.
Professor Gissing, I presume. Yes.
Bruce Cameron
from Cameron Fine Arts.
I've actually left you
several messages.
Yes, well, I don't deal directly
with galleries.
Ah, well, you see, we're not
a gallery, we're consultants,
as I think you know. How thrilling.
Yes. Well, erm...
Well, I must say,
this is a splendid collection.
How long have you been helping
the bank acquire these works?
Erm, the best part of 25 years.
The old chairman at First
Caledonian was most particular
that we selected the very
finest Scottish works
and we rotate our selection
carefully
from branch to branch of the bank.
There's a whole nation's history
here.
Kept in trust for the Scottish
people by a Scottish bank.
So, tell me,
how is the inventory coming along?
The inventory is coming along
rather slowly, alas.
Ah.
I see no-one's
actually spoken to you.
Spoken to me? (SIGHS) Erm...
The bank want to move
rather more swiftly, I'm afraid.
We have been brought in
to evaluate the collection,
to make an analysis and to
advise on the best possible
strategic approach for...
taking it to market.
To market? As quickly as possible.
I was told this collection is safe.
I was given personal assurances
by Sir Ian.
I... This is a disgrace!
I can under...
This collection is unique!
Yes, believe me, I understand
how you must feel...
Oh... I don't think you do.
As a matter of fact, it's
one of the reasons why I...
have chosen to bring
in Miss Stanton
to help manage the transition.
I believe that you and she
are old friends.
Laura?
My Laura? I can't believe Laura would
do that to you, I really can't.
Well, she has. She's done it.
A stab in the back, it really is.
Have you spoken to her?
I haven't had the chance. She's already
on her way here. It's a fait accompli.
Sorry I'm late.
Bloody horrible day at work.
Ah, I see you've started without me.
What's going on? Has somebody died?
Robert here has just been sacked.
What, by the art college?
No, Allan, by your bank.
What do you mean? I mean they're
gonna destroy my collection,
break it up and flog it off
as if it's so much junk.
Oh, I'm sorry, Robert. Although, it's
not like it was your full-time job.
And technically, those
paintings are their property.
I warn you, Allan,
I'm not in the mood.
It's the new CEO. He's on a mission
. Whole floors of people are being sacked.
Nobody tells you anything. It's all
done by stealth. You'll be all right.
Well, I hope so. I have a meeting
with human resources tomorrow.
You haven't put a foot wrong,
have you? Not in 20 years.
Anyway, enough of this
doom and gloom. You've
just sold your company
. We should be celebrating.
Yeah. Laura is back.
She's in charge of
selling the collection.
Bloody hell.
I am still here.
Drink? Drink, yeah. I'll get them.
Three more of these, please.
25 years it's
taken me to put that
collection together!
And each picture chosen
not just on its merit
but as part of a kind of Scottish
symphonic ensemble, you know?
I'm sorry. I know how much
that collection meant to you.
Well, they are not gonna
get away with it!
I just don't see
what you can do about it.
To be honest,
I have seen this day coming.
It's a little sooner
than I anticipated, but
that doesn't matter. I
have it all planned.
I'm gonna need your help.
Help? With what?
I have chosen one or two pictures
that are close to my heart.
Cadell, Cameron,
nothing too ostentatious.
You know them, Mike. Yeah.
Well, I believe we can remove them
without too much trouble.
Remove? You mean steal? No,
I don't mean steal! I mean liberate.
What, in a heist?
Like the Italian Job? If you like.
Only less Italian. I can't quite
see you in a mini, Robert.
Can you, Mike? Oh, bugger it.
Allan, what hotel
do the bank put people up in?
What?
Which... Oh, never mind. It'll probably
be the Sheraton. Please, Mike, don't...
Hello. Er, can you do me a favour?
Can you see if there's
a Laura Stanton staying here?
(DISTANT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
So that's agreed.
You, me and Mike are
going to lubricate..
. We're going to liberate
those paintings, yes?
So... Shh, don't tell anybody.
It's gonna be the crime
of the century. Shh.
We can do it!
Yeah.
Go on, then. Go on.
Ohh! Wonder goal!
Nobody's renting commercial space
just now.
Honestly, if you saw
half the stuff I've got
on my books... Sorry,
what's your name?
Sharon.
Sharon, this is your priority.
I don't wanna hear about other clients.
I promise you, we're doing our best.
Have you seen the new brochures?
Ah. Hey!
We're working here!
Business! Sorry, boss. It's him.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Clowns! Hello. How are you?
One second. Well, nice to meet you,
Sharon. The boys will show you out.
How you doing, mucker?
Ah, no, I've not been avoiding you.
I've just... See you, darling.
..a wee fiscal situation.
But you know I'm good for the money.
You better had be, Charlie,
or you'll be getting a visitor.
No, there's no need for that.
I'll get you your money.
"Aye. Well, make sure you do."
Pablo Picasso.
Sexual philanderer, certainly,
but more importantly,
towering genius.
This giant of the 20th century
once famously said,
"Bad artists copy.
Great artists steal."
This week, I want you to
steal from a great artist,
and with that theft,
to make a work of your own.
That's it. Go away. Off. Go paint.
Hello. Ah! Come in, come in.
Tell me, what do you see?
A skull. You've shown me it before.
The anamorphosis.
Yeah, I love it.
It's Holbein's little joke.
Memento mori,
a reminder of our own mortality.
Because in the great scale of
things, Mike, life is short.
Will you have a wee sensation?
It's a wee bit early for me.
Oh, OK. Do you know what I like
about you, Mike?
It's your passion. Sure.
You see something you want,
you grab it with both hands.
Yeah, once, maybe.
I'm not sure anymore.
Slainte. Slainte.
Ahh. Right, so, you said
you wanted to show me something.
I'm pretty sure
it wasn't Holbein's skull. No.
Remember this? Take a look.
(SIGHS) Monboddo.
When did you take this? Yesterday
afternoon in the repository.
I'm afraid it's now
part of the bank's collection.
What's it doing there? Laura took it
with her when she went to...
She sold it.
Yeah. About a yeah and a half ago,
in fact.
I was lucky to get the chance
to acquire it, really.
On the bank's behalf, obviously.
Her gallery was in trouble.
I felt it was the
least we could do. Why
didn't you tell me?
Well, it was just after the break up
and you were in a mess
and we just felt that it would
make things worse. Who's we?
Oh, well, I asked Allan's advice
when Laura approached me.
(LAUGHS) And what did Allan say?
Er, it's just a picture.
But it's not just a picture,
is it, Mike? No.
It's got secrets. Significances.
It's a funny thing, art, isn't it?
I mean, you think it's about
history, education, culture, taste,
money, and it's not.
It buries itself inside you,
doesn't it?
It gets under your skin.
Why are you telling me this?
Well, what I said last night,
I meant it.
I want those pictures, Mike.
And I think I know how to get them.
And I wondered if there was one
in particular which you might want.
Right, well, I guess I'll just more
or less start at the beginning.
Identify each work,
check it against
the original sales receipts.
You know, we could do very well out
of this, Laura. You make this sale,
we can get out of here
and we're on our way to New York.
I know this can't be easy for you.
No, me? I'm fine. I just...
I just feel bad for Robert,
that's all.
And Mike?
What about Mike? What about Mike?
I haven't spoken to Mike in over
two years. It's not about Mike.
Well, but if you felt
you needed to meet up
and talk to him and clear the air...
No. No, I really don't.
I just wanna get the job done.
(PHONE RINGS)
(PHONE RINGS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Erm, 17 percent, I would think,
at least.
Sorry, one second. Yeah? They've been
trying to get hold of you. It's 2:20.
Oh, God, so it is.
I'll be right there.
Why are you walking so fast?
You didn't think to check with me
first? Laura, I already told you,
he tried your phone and I couldn't
exactly refuse him a meeting.
No, well, you can go to the meeting
on your own, then, can't you?
Come on, don't be childish.
How's that gonna look?
We're supposed to be partners,
remember?
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Er, yes, thank you. Can you tell him
we'll be down in a minute?
Thanks.
You give us five minutes, OK?
Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.
Hi.
Hi.
You wanna sit down? Yeah.
You look great. Thanks.
Well, better than you did
the last time I saw you.
Well, the last time you saw me,
I was crying. That's true.
(LAUGHS) And now I'm not.
Well, that's good. I'm glad. Mm.
What's this all about?
You sold our picture.
Yes. Why? I needed the money.
You could've asked me.
No, I couldn't.
Yeah, this was a bad idea, I think.
I wanted a chance to explain
why I took the job.
Cos it's better that it's
you than somebody else.
Yes, it is.
Try telling that to Robert.
And Bruce? What about Bruce?
Well, you're together, obviously.
Yeah. We're engaged.
OK. Is that really that weird?
Yeah.
This shouldn't take long. Thanks.
Hi. You must be Mike.
I'm Bruce. How do you do?
Nice to meet you.
And you.
Everything all right? Yeah.
Good.
So. So, I hear you're handling the
bank's sale of the art collection.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I'd like to buy
one of the pictures.
The Monboddo portrait. Mike.
Well, erm,
since we're jumping right in, erm,
I'm afraid that despite what Professor
Gissing may have lead you to believe,
we are not aiming to
break up the collection.
Pretty much name your price.
God, you must really love Monboddo.
No, I'll stop you right there.
This isn't gonna be possible.
I'm sorry if you've had a wasted
journey. Name your price. Mike.
Christ, this is ridiculous.
I'm sorry. Laura, please.
Listen, Mike, in a couple of weeks,
this will all be done
and I see no reason for it
to be awkward or difficult.
After all, we are all adults here.
Speak for yourself.
Mike. Mike.
Please... (CUTLERY CLATTERS)
I'm sorry, Allan.
I thought I was safe.
Have you told Margot? No.
I don't know how
I'm gonna keep my family going.
The divorce was killing me
as it was. School fees.
Look, I can lend you something
to tide you over.
Thanks, Mike.
What about long-term?
Do you know what the re-employment
rate is for ex-bankers?
I'm gonna be driving a mini-cab
till I'm 70.
How much notice have they given?
Three months.
I told them to
stick it up their arse.
Was that wise? Probably not.
But it felt bloody good.
(SIGHS) Come on, drink up.
Where are we going? To see Robert.
He wants to show me something.
Oh, hello, Allan. I'm so sorry
to hear... Thanks, Robert.
So, what are we doing?
Come with me. A little surprise.
Oh, don't be put off by the smell.
It's a heavy mixture of linseed oil
and cannabis sativa.
Now then, Michael,
prepare to be amazed.
Oh, good God, Robert.
I'd almost forgotten
how beautiful she was. (CHUCKLES)
So what's she doing here?
Take a closer look.
It's a forgery. Damn good one, too,
if it had you fooled.
That is amazing.
Yes. Perfect in every detail.
Nailed it, didn't I?
Ah, Mr Westwater, hello!
These are the two gentlemen
I was telling you about.
Mike, Allan, meet Westie, a
former pupil of mine. Hi.
Westie spent a year
at the Art Institute in Beijing.
The Chinese method
has a lot to recommend it.
Eight hours a day, man,
just copying, copying, copying.
You painted this? Every detail.
And it's yours, Michael.
A present from me.
Since the original is
more than a little unobtainable.
Well, it's great. Shall we go, then?
Thanks, Robert.
Almost exactly like the real thing.
Mm. But it's not, is it?
That's the thing of it.
Most people would be
more than satisfied,
but you and I, we're
different, aren't we?
What about me? You're a banker,
Allan, so you have no soul.
(LAUGHS) Ex-banker.
God, you've really been thinking about
this, haven't you? Oh, indeed I have.
I always knew this day would come.
And so I took full advantage of
my privileged access to the works
and the tools at my disposal.
But unfortunately, with that access
now denied, we must work quickly
to complete and execute.
To swap the fakes for the originals.
And you don't think anybody's
gonna notice? What's to notice?
All the paintings will
be present and correct.
Only we will know otherwise.
And if the day would come
when they happen to discover
that their prize collection
isn't quite what they
thought it was, won't
that be rather delicious?
I'm going to need more money
for materials.
Ah.
Hm.
Mike, you have everything. Well,
I suppose I've got everything I need.
It's just that Bruce
Cameron's got the only two
things that I want. So
I've made a decision.
I've decided that he can have one or
the other, but he's not having both.
Would you be that bloody minded?
Yes, I bloody would.
Well, you're mad. Possibly.
Robert seems pretty determined,
doesn't he? Yes, he does.
I can't see what's in it for me, though.
I'm not into all this art stuff.
Well, if it's just reasons you're looking
for, Allan, I can give you a couple.
Like?
Like you'd be getting two paintings
worth about 200 grand each
and maybe more if you choose wisely.
So that's over 400,000 that Margot
wouldn't be able to get her hands on.
There's one for you. Yeah,
but I couldn't sell them, could I?
Laura used to say you can sell
anything if you know how.
I didn't realise.
And then, of course, you'd be
getting one over on the bank,
which must seem like quite
an attractive prospect at the moment.
So there's two.
Yeah.
All right, then, so that's agreed.
Bit of reciprocity, yes?
And all in good
faith, of course.
You scratch my back, I'll scratch
yours. Sort of quid pro quo.
Aye, fair enough.
Right, all the best, professor.
Thank you.
So? What's he up to now?
I'm not too sure, but I think
there might be a few quid in it.
OK, so, obviously it goes without saying
that this is a bloody stupid idea
and if any one of us wants
to pull out, we can
do so at any point. Agreed?
BOTH: Agreed.
So, where to start.
We have to work out how
to gain entry to the
repository undetected with
how many fake paintings?
We couldn't handle more
than two each, so six.
I only want the Monboddo.
Well, we could still manage six,
but five...
So first up, how to gain entry undetected.
I believe you have an idea.
Indeed I do. I take it you're all
familiar with Doors Open Day,
when the buildings that are usually
inaccessible are open to the public.
I took the kids to St Bernard's Well
last year. Exactly.
Bored out of my brain.
Yes, but the point is,
this year the bank
is opening the repository
for Doors Open in two weeks' time.
So I took the liberty... Two weeks?
Yes... of putting your names down.
Not your real names.
Thing is, I am too
well kent of face and
frame to go in myself
cos I'm there every day.
But I'll find some
other way to get in
. But you can stroll in.
But there are CCTV cameras everywhere
so we'd be noticed. Unless...
I mean, unless we wore disguises,
you know...
Hm. Or we could find a way
to switch the CCTV off.
That's more like it.
Yeah, but how would we do that?
Come on, Charlie,
for God's sake, man!
Pay your rent! What can I tell you?
Times are tough.
The bairns wanna see the football!
Your team's shite.
I'm doing you a favour.
You owe me 250 quid!
Bang out of order!
I tell you, I never thought I'd be back
doing this, collecting door to door.
I blame all them
property programmes
. "Invest in property,
you cannae go wrong."
Just pull over by the entrance
and park normally. OK.
Sorry, how do I park normally?
Well, don't kerb crawl.
It'll make us look suspicious. Right.
Should be about two minutes now.
And you can trust this guy, can you?
Wee Martin?
Oh, yes, he's
completely trustworthy.
Well, he's completely dishonest.
Doesn't look very secure, does it?
Well, it is Doors Open Day, don't
forget. You're practically invited.
OK. And how do we get out again? I mean,
never mind getting to the vaults.
Well, we need a card like Robert.
Yes.
One of these.
Got a sort of chip on it.
See, every time you swipe
one of those, it recognises you
and allows you pre-programmed
privileges and access. That's right.
So why don't we just use Robert's?
No, unfortunately,
since I was designated
persona non grata,
it doesn't work anymore.
Anyway, it's got my name on it.
Then once we're inside the building,
we set off the fire alarm,
get everybody else out
and leave us inside. (ALARM RINGS)
Bingo. Wee Martin's set the alarm.
Robert, can you pass me
those binoculars? Yep. Here.
Thanks. They have a fire drill every month.
Fanatical about it.
Stragglers are executed on site.
Here.
Who's that with Wee Martin?
He's the fire officer,
someone who takes his job
very seriously indeed.
We still don't know
how to get the fakes in yet, though.
There's a cleaning van.
Cleaning van.
Cleaning van.
Charlie, there's a bloke
wants to talk to you.
Somebody wanting to buy their
telly back half price?
No, I don't think so.
Who the hell are you?
You don't need to know who I am.
Mr Carter sent me.
He wants his money.
Hate? What does the other one say?
Also hate.
OK, very good.
I'll give you one week.
You let me know
when you get the money.
If not, I'll be back on Friday.
Friday. Good. Good.
Would anyone believe I was
a cleaner? Do I look like a cleaner?
Sorry, where do we get the cleaning
van from? We don't know yet.
But let's just assume we can get one.
So I would drive the van, looking
like a cleaner, with the fakes,
and you would bring in the originals
which we'd swap from the vault. Yeah.
Sorry, how do we get into the vaults
and why are we swapping frames?
This is why this is
a planning meeting.
How is this a planning meeting
when we don't have a plan? (BUZZER)
Pizza.
I really don't know why
more people don't do this
heist lark for a hobby
. It's very simple, really.
Take the fake paintings to the warehouse
in a van that we don't have...
Yep... the camera will snap
our pictures cos we don't
know how to disable it
. But that doesn't matter.
Cos the camera's in the vaults which
we can't get into. Allan, please.
One quattro stagioni,
one Fiorentino, one American hot.
(LAUGHS) How you doing, Charlie?
Good, aye! I saw the wee
boy out front on his
wee bike and I thought
I'd save him the trip.
Gonna invite me in?
I hope you're not losing your nerve.
Are you losing your nerve?
Gentlemen, we have a guest.
Er, Charlie,
this is Allan and Robert.
Robert, Allan, this is Charlie.
How you doing?
Yeah, no, fine. Good.
Did you want something, Charlie?
Erm, I was just passing so I thought,
call in, just for old time's sake.
I hear you were at
the Midlothian Repository today.
Funny place for an afternoon out.
That's my patch, Mike.
If there's anything I can give you
a hand with down there,
anything at all,
you just let me know, OK?
It's a terrible idea.
He's a total nutter.
I think it makes complete sense.
We need somebody who understands how
you get access to security systems,
who knows the whys and wherefores of how
you get a van that cannot be traced.
Do you realise how much trouble we're
about to get into, Mike? No, seriously.
And do you know how much
trouble we're gonna
get into if we try to
do this on our own?
And I've known Charlie Calloway
since I was a boy.
Yeah, something I don't understand.
Hm? What's that?
Why didn't you take the fake?
I mean, it looks exactly the same.
It's not remotely the same.
It's just a picture, Mike.
It's not like it's a kid or a dog
or something, it's just a picture.
I've only got pictures.
And that particular picture represents
the three happiest years of my life.
And one way or another,
it's coming with me when I go.
Go where?
I haven't made my mind up yet.
But I'm going.
That's Mike McKenzie!
Nice wheels.
Wondered how long it'd take you.
How you doing, Charlie?
I haven't seen you around here
for a long while.
Still looks pretty much the same.
Aye. Can I have a word?
Aye. Theresa.
Go and tell your ma to put the
kettle on, we've got visitors. OK.
That one of yours? No, no.
She's my wee sister's bairn.
My sister Carol, Michael. Hiya.
Hey, Carol. You remember
the McKenzies, don't you?
From number 26. Oh, aye, of course!
Aye! Hiya! (LAUGHS)
Oh, they must have been
proud of you, eh? Yeah.
Aye! Queen's Award for Industry.
Yep.
Scotland's most eligible bachelor.
Aye, that was a while ago.
Howay! Thanks, Carol.
Handsome boy like you, you
must be fighting them off
with a shitty stick. What
would you say, Carol?
Eh?
Oh, aye, I'd shag him. (LAUGHS)
Now, listen, there's plenty
more biscuits in the
tin, so you two just help
yourselves, OK? Thanks.
So, what do you need?
OK, it's all sorted. Calloway's in.
Are you sure he can be trusted? Yes,
I'm sure. There's just one thing.
He wants a painting.
(LAUGHS) He wants a painting? What's
he gonna do with it, wipe his arse?
I think he's got himself
in over his head in some
business deal with some
gangster from Newcastle
and he wants to use it
as collateral to buy
himself some time. Give me strength!
Collateral?
And what sort of painting
would this gangster friend prefer?
Does he favour the abstract
expressionist or the figurative?
God, Robert, you're such a snob!
How dare you! I'm an elitist. There
is a difference, you know. Is there?
Anyway, he wants a John Smart.
He wants a Smart? Yeah, this Geordie
guy's been very specific.
He wants one of the landscapes.
Do you think
Westie's up to it? But Smart is...
He's a...
OK, look, Robert, we
either go with Calloway
or we forget the whole thing.
It's up to you.
But if we go with Calloway,
there's no turning back.
All right. Yes. You're right.
I'll get in touch with Westie.
Game on, as they say.
OK, I never work with amateurs
because their morals get in the way.
But I'm in a bit of a situation
myself,
plus the fact
you have some inside knowledge
and because Mikey's
bankrolling this operation
and I've known Michael for...
30 years... well
more than 30 years, so
I'm making an exception.
First things first. How to get you
from here in Sighthill
to here at the repository
without leaving a trail on CCTV.
If you travel by car, ANPR technology means
they'll take a photograph of your face
and your number plate. So you two
will be travelling by bus.
Bus? Yes, bus.
Never been on a bus before?
Can we just get back to the point?
What do we do about
the CCTV at the repository?
That's where my friend
Brighty comes in. He's
installed most of the security
systems in Edinburgh.
Money. Can I have the money?
Right. I'll be two minutes.
All right, Brighty? Charlie!
30 minutes my arse!
Midlothian Repository.
Paintings. I need the security
system to not work. Piece of piss.
Usual rules.
I'll get you in then I'll be long
gone like a turkey in the corn.
Untraceable.
Jesus, Brighty!
You need to lighten up a bit, son.
That's why I cook. Helps me relax.
I'm getting in here at 11:20
in the van. Correct.
You're going in the van
with Glenno and Jonno.
What about the paintings?
You'll sort that out, Professor.
Right, eyes to me, Glenno, Jonny.
Jonno.
Now, a work of art consists
essentially of four elements.
The frame itself, of course, a canvas,
a stretcher board and the splines,
that's these little wedge-like things
that keep everything embedded in place.
Charlie, Mike's been in the papers
and everyone knows the professor.
If they see him driving up
in a cleaning van, they'll
know he's not a cleaner.
We'll have disguises.
But only Allan,
Mike and the professor.
Are we getting disguises? What do you
need disguises for? I don't know...
It's not a fancy dress
costume party, it's a robbery.
OK? Yeah, fine.
Right. We've got five days to go.
Get yourselves ready
and do what you need to do.
(MUSIC DROWNS OUT VOICES)
Hey, darling, we've done it.
"We have got a buyer and the bank want
us to start negotiating a contract."
Oh, that's... great! "Yeah, I know."
Yeah, that's great, Bruce. Yep.
New York, here we come. (LAUGHS)
"How's the inventory coming along?"
Well, Robert's left it in a right mess,
but I've got half the paintings logged.
And then there's
the print collection.
It's a bit of a nightmare.
Oh, well, you know, do your best.
All right. "All right,
I'll see you soon." OK, bye.
Hurry up. Yeah, OK.
"Love you. Bye." Bye.
All I want really is to sell it as
quickly and painlessly as possible.
OK, no problem. As I said,
it's a very good property.
Go!
(LAUGHS)
Yes! (LAUGHS)
Well done, Jonny.
I'm Glenn. He's Jonno.
Gotcha.
Aye, good. Good. Good, eh? Aye.
(CHUCKLES)
What have you been up to, Robert?
(SIGHS)
RADIO: '..changeable
from Saturday morning.
So if you're heading out early
for Doors Open Day tomorrow,
you might want to take an umbrella.'
Where the hell is Mike?
Shall I ring him again?
Don't worry, Allan.
He'll meet us in the pub.
That's ridiculous,
everybody can ride a bike.
We're not actually going
cycling, though, are we?
No, but the point is,
we go into the pub
and we talk about cycling,
we draw attention to ourselves
and then bright and early we leave and
everyone will assume we've gone cycling.
It's like, erm... It's like putting
a beautiful frame around a picture.
It just sets up the whole story.
I think I'll ring Mike again.
What do you think?
Oh, Allan, get a grip!
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Oh, for the love
of God, Allan, not again!
Hi, Laura.
Wanna sit down here?
(CHURCH BELLS CHIME)
I heard you sold the business.
Yeah. Should've done it years ago.
My heart's not really in it anymore.
Well, what will you do?
I don't know.
I haven't really thought about it.
Look, Laura, what are we doing?
I thought we were done.
Yeah.
Well, go and get married
and... be happy.
I'm not gonna bother you anymore.
Yeah, I didn't come here to talk
about us, Mike. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry.
I came here to talk about Robert.
What about him? Well, I'm doing
the inventory for the collection
and... well, it's a mess.
Well, you know what he's like.
I don't know, I just
hope he hasn't done anything
stupid, that's all.
Well, I think Robert's more than
capable of looking after himself.
Yeah. Well, I just thought
I'd tell you as a friend.
A friend?
Laura, Robert's my friend.
What did you mean when you said
your heart's not in it?
Just being here, doing this,
doesn't really make sense anymore.
Why? Ah, come on. Why do you think?
Mike... Don't.
Don't. Don't do that.
You should probably go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's my girl.
Yeah, I used to be obsessed
with cycling when I
was younger and I gave it
up for years and years
and just recently started again.
I looked at myself in
the mirror and I thought,
"This is the way forward"
cos the scenery, the hills
are just right, whereas
the gym is the most boring
place in the world.
Where the hell's Mike?
Shall I give him another call?
Relax, Allan. He'll be here.
Drink up, it's your round.
More of the same, please.
RADIO: 'And for those of
you looking for something
to do with the family
this Saturday morning,
don't forget about Doors Open Day.
This increasingly popular annual event
is happening right across the city today
with more than 50 of Edinburgh's
less accessible premises
and landmarks
opening their doors...'
It's my mistake.
I should never have suggested
that you come along.
(SNIFFS) I should never have come.
Well, it's better to find out now,
though, isn't it?
What you really want.
I don't know what I really want.
I think getting married to me would've
been rather reckless, wouldn't it? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
I'll see you down the repository.
I'm going for a walk.
Come in. Do you copy? Do you copy?
All right, McKenzie? Aye. I thought
you'd bottled it. Are you kidding?
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Hi, Mike. Morning. Do you copy me?
Are you copying me? Yes?
Hello.
Where the hell were you last night?
It's OK. Er, something came up,
but it's sorted now. It better be.
If you've compromised the mission, Mike...
If I've compromised the mission?
Allan, we're only gonna
swap a couple of
paintings, we're not taking
on a terrorist cell.
Yeah. Sorry.
The fakes are in the van.
Put your mobiles in here.
You get them back
when we're back at base.
What?
Should we synchronise watches?
There's no need for that.
As soon as Mike
sends a blank text
from inside the vault,
everyone begins. Brighty's in place.
Remember, these phones are
disposable for a reason.
I'm trying to raise
Glenno on this
and he's just not answering.
Shall we try being on
the same channel?
Ready? Yes. Yes.
Don't mess up. No.
Come on, get in!
Make sure the pictures are secure.
(GEARS CRUNCH) Oh.
Oh, dear.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
The gearbox is a bit slippy.
(BRAKES SCREECH) Oh, sorry!
(MEN SHOUT)
(GEARS CRUNCH) Come on!
(LAUGHS) Hold on.
Hi, Mike, it's Laura. Erm... I...
I need to talk to you.
So could you... call me back
as soon as you get this.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Good morning!
Morning. The cleaners
at the usual time. Aye.
Where's Billy? Erm, er, he's sick.
Oh, that'd be right,
the lazy bugger!
You here for Doors Open Day?
This way.
Make your way over to the building.
That's it. Keep coming.
Hi, Martin.
Good morning, Miss Stanton.
I wasn't expecting you.
It's not a good day.
We've got all these visitors.
I'll just be in the print room. It'd be
better if you come back another time.
I won't get in anybody's way,
I promise.
Welcome to Midlothian Repository
here on Doors Open Day.
Most of you will be
amazed at the astonishing
collection of art which
this building contains.
But first, some basic housekeeping.
In the unlikely event of a fire,
the main exit is through reception,
then out to the muster point,
which is on the flagstones
in front of the building.
Right, get our gloves on.
Right, if you'd just like to follow
me into the repository itself,
the tour can begin.
This way.
(CHILDREN LAUGH)
Come on, darling!
Do you want to play football or not?
Here you go.
I know it looks far
but it's not really.
Don't forget to look up.
Pretend you're in a cruise ship.
Keep up at the back.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're
about to enter the restricted area
so I'm afraid there are one or two
more rules and regulations. Excuse me.
Sorry. Er, I need the toilet.
OK, er, back down the corridor,
second door on your left.
We'll wait here for you. I'll need
to swipe you through. Thank you.
Try not to be too long.
So once we go through
the doors, do not touch
any of the artworks.
Some of them are extremely valuable.
If anyone feels unwell,
the air quality is slightly strange
due to climate control.
If you do feel unwell,
let me know as soon as you can.
Some of man's earliest art has been
discovered in Aberdeenshire,
decoratively carved stone balls
dating from the...
(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS AND BUZZES)
(MOBILE PHONE BUZZES)
(ALARM RINGS) Fire alarm.
Right, back to the muster point.
Straight through reception.
Follow me.
Right, team, let's get to it.
Not again.
Quickly, without running.
Straight to the muster point.
Swiftly but safely. Thank you.
20 minutes. Go.
(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)
Bingo.
We're three short.
Mr Reynolds.
Mr Gainsborough.
Ms Stanton. It's not as though it's a
real fire, is it? That's not the point!
Open sesame.
You take the low numbers,
I'll take the high numbers.
(HUMS)
(ALARM RINGS)
Here's the fake. In you go with it,
as fast as you can.
See, swipe in, swipe out.
That's what I did.
Swipe in, swipe out.
I did exactly what you did.
I think you've broke it.
I did exactly what you did!
(ALARM RINGS)
I think we should call the police.
The police? Oh, no, no.
That won't be necessary. No. Sorry,
are you challenging my authority?
We'll phone the police! We'll
phone the police! Thank you. OK!
(PANTS)
Just one more of these
to go and then we can
start replacing them with the fakes.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm only halfway through
the lithographs,
but there is all sorts of stuff
missing, just like I thought.
Psst! Mike!
I need your help.
So how does that art...
Look, we're running
out of time here.
Well, we've still got two paintings.
We haven't made the swap.
One of them
happens to be your boss's.
Oh. Whoa. That's not gonna work.
Grab the ladder.
Mr Cameron! Hi.
What are you doing here?
Well, I was hoping to get inside.
Oh, we're busy today.
We're too busy.
What are all these people
doing waiting outside?
It's a fire alarm drill thing.
It's all right for
authorised personnel, yeah?
No, you can't go in!
(ALARM RINGS)
Mike. Swipe card.
They're not letting anyone in.
Can you come out, please?
That might be a bit tricky.
I can't get out. My card won't work.
(DOOR BUZZES)
Mike.
(DOOR PANEL BEEPS)
It's just not working.
Allan. The swipe card.
Allan.
The swipe card, Allan.
Hello. Are you here for
the Doors Open tour?
Er, no, no, I'm authorised.
I'm with the bank. I've got my card.
Oh. I can't let anyone go
in at the moment. We've
evacuated the building
cos of a fire alarm.
(ALARM RINGS)
Yeah, I understand that, but at the
moment, we can't let anyone go in.
Just until the fire brigade
give the all-clear.
(SHOUTS)
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Mike? What's the matter?
Charlie, you're gonna have to call
Brighty. We're stuck in here.
You'll have to get him
to reprogram all the doors to open.
Oh, you're an amateur idiot!
Aghhh!
Allan...
..stop it. Yeah.
"I need you to go in again." No.
"It's too dangerous."
Brighty, just do it.
(SIGHS) All right. All right.
Right, I'm phoning Charlie.
I'm gonna go round the back.
All right? You
really shouldn't leave
the muster point
until the fire brigade
have given the all-clear.
I have authorisation. You can't go in!
Why not?
You don't have clearance
! I've got plenty of clearance.
Calm down. It's all right.
Crikey.
(DOOR BEEPS) Yes!
(DOOR BEEPS)
"(PHONE RINGS)" Come on, Charlie,
pick up! Right, we're out of time.
Start the engine, we're out of here.
But the boss's painting.
He can get another one. Come on,
we're out of time! Start the engine!
(MUFFLED ARGUING)
Oh, my God! Oh, shit.
I didn't know he was there. What was
he doing? Christ, you've killed him.
Don't be stupid! Get him shifted!
And get back in the van!
Jonny! Jonno, Jonno! Come here!
You know my name now, eh?
Give me a hand!
Mike! We've still got the fakes!
They're supposed to be in the vault!
Mike! Come on! Let's go!
Give me 30 seconds.
Mike, what are you doing? Mike!
Where's he going? Mike!
Wait! Wait, two minutes! Mike!
We need to get out of here!
Two minutes. No, not two minutes!
(ALL SHOUT)
Move!
What are you doing? Mike!
Mike! Come on, come on!
Two minutes. Two minutes.
(SHOUTING) Allan, I'm here!
Go, go, go!
(TYRES SCREECH) Allan!
Quickly! Allan!
Come on! I'm not gonna do this again!
Bruce?
Jesus, he's still coming!
Get him in! Come on, get him in!
(TYRES SCREECH)
Right, he's in. Come on, Jonno, go!
(SIREN WAILS)
You didn't call the police, did you?
They were engaged.
Jonno, not too fast.
Are you insane. What kind of
getaway car doesn't go too fast?
We don't wanna draw attention
to ourselves. Great.
Now we've got the originals
and the fakes. Yeah,
change of plan. Don't
worry, I've got an idea.
Now, Mr Calloway,
it is absolutely essential
that you keep her away from any extremes
of temperature, moisture or light. Right.
OK, in you go. Tenderly, tenderly.
(DISTANT SIRENS)
This bit of business,
you know what it means, don't you?
It means I know your shit
and you know my shit,
and that goes for your boys,
as well.
I'll pass it on. You do that.
You lads ditch the fakes.
I'll take this one to Newcastle.
Hello, police?
Aye. There's this abandoned van
down by the docks.
Looks a bit dodgy, you know?
Aye, it's just down by the water,
you know?
OK.
Are you sure Bruce didn't get a good
look at you? Absolutely positive.
And even if he had, your disguises were
so brilliant, he'd be none the wiser.
We'll have left a clue.
A fibre of cloth or a stray hair
and tyre tracks by the caravan.
I've seen CSI.
(LAUGHS) Allan, if you could just kerb
your natural pessimism for a second,
we set out to do something
and we did it.
The police will find the van
with the fakes.
They'll think the thieves have
panicked and just... made off.
Yes. And let's face it, Bruce can't have
seen me or recognised me cos if he had,
the police would've called.
Yeah, OK.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Er, Professor Gissing.
Yes, inspector, how can I help you?
Really? That's...
That's absolutely awful!
Wh... Yes.
Well, if you think I could be
of any assistance, natur...
No, no, no, not at all.
I'd be completely delighted.
Absolutely, I look forward
to seeing you, inspector. Goodbye.
Our friends, the police. What?
It seems a van full of paintings
was discovered,
stolen works of art,
some sort of bungled robbery,
and they want me
to authenticate the works.
(SIGHS) It's, erm, not exactly
an unexpected surprise.
Who else would they ask?
I am more or less the
world's leading authority
on those paintings.
I think that calls for
three more whiskies, don't you?
Yes. Yes.
Is this it? Aye.
Help yourself.
That's really good, darling.
You should stick in at that.
What would you know about it,
you big arse?
(LAUGHS)
Detective Inspector Ransome,
I presume?
Yes. Professor Gissing.
I'm here to authenticate
the pictures.
I gather they've all been found.
Looks like it.
Any idea who the perpetrators were?
None.
Bunch of amateurs, by the
looks of things. Not so
amateur if they were able to
get in and out undetected.
Mm. Erm, are there
any other works missing?
We don't think so, but
we're gonna have to go
through the rest of the collection.
(CHUCKLES)
That's not a job
for the faint-hearted. No.
Something must have made them panic.
Anyway, the good news
is that these beautiful
pictures have been
returned unharmed,
and if that's so, it's
important that they're
placed back in the collection
as soon as possible.
(BUZZER)
"Hello?" Hi. Erm, it's me.
"Come up."
Hi. Erm...
I left you a message but... You OK?
(SIGHS)
Yeah, it's been a crazy 24 hours.
You heard about the robbery? Mm.
The police wanted to talk to us
and Bruce got hurt.
Is he OK? Yeah, ish.
Poor Bruce.
Erm, can I come in?
It's a fake.
Are you sure?
Absolutely. No doubt at all.
So you, er, you're really leaving,
then?
Well, yeah, I said I was.
Did you think I was making it up?
No, no. Where you gonna go?
Haven't decided.
Right.
I'd offer you a drink but, erm...
It's over, Mike.
With me and Bruce.
I, er... I called things off.
Erm, yeah, er...
OK. I've tried really hard to...
forget about you and just move on
but...
..you're the only person I'm thinking
about whenever you're not there. So...
Yep.
OK. I have to ask you a question.
Yeah? Why do you never look back
when you say goodbye?
What?
Whenever I drop you off anywhere,
like the train station or airport, you
say goodbye but you never look back.
And I always have to look back.
So the conclusion that I came to
was that I needed you
more than you needed me.
That's not true. The
other night you swanned
off into the sunset
and didn't look back
and the conclusion I
came to then was that I
was never gonna see you again.
OK, erm...
Why did you never look back?
Because I knew you would be there.
Because... I knew you loved me.
That makes sense.
I do love you.
I'm still in love with you.
I never stopped.
Well... I still love you, too.
And I never stopped.
Hang on. Wait. Hey. Hm?
I have to tell you something.
Right, let's get this over with.
You stole our painting?
Well, you see,
I didn't know you were coming back.
You... You idiot!
Mike! And the others?
What are they getting out of this?
Well, Allan's broke
and he saw it as a way out.
And Robert, well,
Robert wanted to liberate them.
Steal them, you mean. He wanted to
steal them for himself.
Well, we replaced them
with fakes and we put the
fakes in a van to be
discovered by the police.
Where are the originals?
Where are they now?
They're in Robert's cottage.
Well, all except one, which we had to
give to a guy named Calloway and, well,
it's probably in Newcastle by now.
Hi, Laura.
Hi...
..Allan. Does she know everything?
Yeah. Right.
Have you told the police?
No, Allan, no, because you are going to
put the paintings back. All of them.
I can't see Robert agreeing to that.
TV: "Police are still
looking into the"
baffling events surrounding
a bungled robbery"
at the Midlothian Repository
during Doors Open Day yesterday.
"It seems that the thieves,
who stole..."
(CHILDREN SHOUT)
Charlie. Charlie!
What?
Oh, here we go.
No, not picking up. He's probably still
driving on his way back to the cottage.
(LAUGHS) Did you two really,
really honestly believe that you
were gonna get away with this?
Hm? I mean, the fakes
may have bought you some time,
but what about all the things
you didn't fake? What?
The drawings.
The Picasso, the Matisse?
No idea what you're talking about.
There are over a dozen things
missing.
And we haven't even got halfway
through the inventory.
Hang on, we took
seven paintings.
That's it.
And we had fakes for every one.
I have to go and find Robert.
Allan, you stay here. Yeah.
You wanna come with me?
I had no idea. I trust...
Listen, it's Sunday.
I'm a religious man. Yeah. I should
be on the golf course. Yeah.
Instead I'm up here in jock land
collecting bad debts.
I trusted you, Charlie.
I helped you out.
And you ripped me off.
I swear to you... Shut up. Yes.
It's simple. You've got
this afternoon to sort this mess out
or I'm cutting my losses
the old-fashioned way.
And then getting home to Newcastle in
time for Downton Abbey. You understand?
Yep. I understand.
Mike?
Is this him?
That's his wee girlfriend.
Done a bolt then, has he,
this mate of yours?
It's not good. No.
No.
Get yourself some chips?
Hello, Charlie.
(GROANS)
Where's Mike?
Hello?
They should be in here.
Wow. He's cleared the place out.
How much do you think it's all worth?
Well, the paintings you lot took,
almost a million,
but if you count the prints he's
taken, it's a couple of million,
at least.
I'm so sorry, Mike.
Sonofabitch.
I'm gonna have to phone Allan.
"(PHONE RINGS)"
Allan. Mike?
Oh, thank God. Erm...
"What's wrong?"
Mike, you better hurry and come down to
Calloway's office here. Why? What for?
"It's all gone a bit tits-up,
really."
I'm really sorry. Look, hurry up,
Mike. They're coming to get you...
Thought you'd get away with giving me
a fake, did you? Listen, Charlie...
You've got my picture,
I've got your friend.
Charlie, I haven't got your painting.
Get your arse down to my office
right now.
Mike.
Mike!
Who's that? Who?
Jesus, that was quick.
What's wrong? I'm gonna
have to go with those
guys and I want you to
do something for me.
Take the keys, wait until I'm gone,
drive to the hotel, and if I'm not back
within an hour, you call the police.
Why? What's happening?
Do you remember I told
you about a guy called Calloway?
Uh-huh.
Robert's given him a fake painting and
he was gonna use it to pay off a debt.
He thinks I've got the original.
They've got Allan.
They've got Allan? Yeah.
For Christ sake, Mike,
just call the police! No, no.
Just give me a couple of hours.
I'm gonna go and sort it out.
It'll be OK.
Party for McKenzie!
All right, Glen?
Where's your pal, Gissing?
Don't know. I think he's done
a runner and taken the paintings.
You're free to take a look around
if you want.
You thought you were all so clever,
didn't you? Playing a little joke.
No, it's not like that. Calloway
is raging. The Geordies are raging.
Move! In the car.
Move!
Hiya, Mike! How you doing, Mike?
Nice to see your face.
All right, Charlie?
What is this?
What do you think this is?
What is this?
Well, I'm assuming it's not your
painting. Oh, you're assuming?
You're assuming correctly, McKenzie.
And I'm assuming you and
your pals have the original.
I don't have your painting.
Gissing stitched us up,
he's taken all the paintings,
mine, Allan's and... I
don't know how he's
done it yet, but he
swapped yours for a fake.
No. You came to me, you asked
for my help, I gave my help.
You gave me this picture, this
worthless piece of shit picture.
I passed it on to my friend,
in good faith,
as a down-payment
on an outstanding debt!
I'm getting bored.
He doesn't have your painting.
What... I'm an idiot.
What was I thinking? Mixing with
the likes of you, McKenzie.
Charlie, really not helping.
Your shit is my shit, remember?
Here we are, this is our shit,
and we're in it together.
I think we're getting off
the point here, lads.
I agree with you. Do you mind?
I can get you your money.
I can pay off Charlie's debts.
You're gonna have to give me
a day or two, my money's tied up.
In my business, my house, I've got
nothing under the mattress. No! Shite!
He's got loads of dosh.
Please, no. Jesus!
Don't involve him in this.
Give me till tomorrow. At least.
It's always manana with you jocks,
isn't it? Eh?
You better write a cheque, Mike,
you better do something.
I don't think you understand
the situation here.
I can take a hit for 200,000
if I have to.
Some sort of payment
has to be made today.
Now, I don't mind
if it's a painting,
I don't mind of it's cash.
Don't mind of it's good
old-fashioned flesh and bone.
(WHIMPERS) See.
But some sort of payment
must be made.
Aye. I've got no option.
So as it's your first offence...
..left foot or right foot?
I mean, do you have a preference?
Me?
(DOOR OPENS)
Hello. For the love of Christ...
Hello, yourself. Please, come in,
take a pew. Who's this, eh?
I dunno.
You got a plan, honey? Mm-hm. OK.
Erm, I don't know if this would
help, it's a John Patrick Monboddo,
Gissing left it for you in the
cottage, Mike. It is the original.
I wanted a big landscape. Eh?
A John Smart,
not a pissy little portrait.
OK. OK. Yes, but this one,
this one has a story.
Her name is Magdalena Dudek
and she was Polish and a singer.
Monboddo fell in love with her and
begged her to marry him. So she did.
Then after a couple of years,
she left him heartbroken
and they found him
in Paris with nothing.
Nothing apart from this portrait.
What's the asking price?
She's very marketable.
Probably a couple of hundred grand,
if not more
if you find the right buyer.
I'm gonna have to rush you.
Oh, aye?
Yes, I've called the police.
You what? Eh? Er...
(SIRENS APPROACH)
Christ! Oh, you stupid cow!
Better not be another forgery,
Charlie!
Come on, let's get out of here. You
know, I think I'll take it. Great.
(ALL SHOUT)
This way. This way.
Come on! Alan, are you OK?
Oh, yeah, fine.
I can't believe
you called the police.
Oh, God, we're gonna go to prison.
It's all right.
I just told them it was a fire.
(LAUGHS)
(SIRENS WAIL)
(MUSIC DROWNS OUT VOICES)
'My dear Michael,
and indeed, my dear Laura,
for I cannot write the one name
without thinking of the other.
I've been blessed with many things
in my life,
but I've never found the love
that so clearly exists between you.
My passion has always been
for my work.
Just as I know with absolute certainty
that the two of you should not be parted,
I hope you'll understand that I could not
be parted from my beloved paintings.
But I leave you the Monboddo
as a memento mori.
A symbol to remind you
that life is short,
that you must grab life
by the throat, smudges and all.
I will think of you.
And if you should ever
pass a thought in my direction,
I hope it will be a kind one.
Best wishes, Robert Gissing.'
At last
My love has come along
Bonjour.
# My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, oh, oh
At last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
And I found a dream
That I could speak to
A dream that I
Could call my own
I found a thrill
To press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
No! Mike, no.
Oh, yeah, you smile...
We were wondering about
this painting here.
(DISTANT CHEERING)
(DISTANT CHEERING)
(CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
Oh, what did you do that for?
(WHISTLE BLOWS / APPLAUSE)
(HUMS)
This piece, called simply The Card
Players, Les Joueurs de Carte,
is currently the most expensive
painting in the world.
(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)
(APPLAUSE)
It shows us the two peasants, simple
men of Provence, playing cards.
The table is bare because they can't
even afford to play for money.
And yet this piece
is rumoured recently
to have been sold
for more than $250 million.
(DISTANT CHANTING)
So what do you wanna do? Do you wanna come
to this art thing or go home to Margot?
Would you rather I wasn't there?
I don't wanna cramp your style.
You're not gonna cramp my style.
That's why I asked you to come.
Why would you cramp my style?
Well, you're not there for the art.
Yes, I am. You're not.
It's a damning indictment
on the way we measure art
in today's world
that we focus more on the price
than on the art itself,
on the beauty before us.
It's all a bit pretentious, isn't it
? That's because you don't understand it.
I do. Really? What's your favourite
painting? My favourite painting?
It's a simple question. What's your
favourite painting? McKenzie! Mike!
Charlie Calloway.
How's it going? Not so bad.
Looking good!
Nice to see you, Charlie.
Aye, you, too! I hear you're
doing all right for yourself.
What is it, computers?
Yeah, something like that.
I'm into property myself. Oh, yeah?
100 percent legit.
I've got a big office block if either
of you two gents are interested.
You boys want a wee Babycham? Oh,
we've gotta be somewhere. Next time.
Aye. Nice to see you.
Aye.
That's all for today.
Lovely to see you.
Hello, Mike. Hey, Laura.
Tell me about this.
It's oil on wood, painted in 1895.
It's the artist's wife. She was his
model first and then they got married.
It's definitely got something. Yeah.
But it's not his most
polished work technically
speaking. You see
this smudge here?
He's brushed it with his hand when he
was working on the face or the eyes.
It adds depth to it. Mm.
Do you like it? Yes, I do.
I love it. Ah, there you are.
Guess who I found tucking into the
free booze. I wonder. Professor.
I was getting one for Mike.
Of course you were.
Allan Cruickshank, Laura Stanton.
How do you do?
Nice to meet you, Allan.
Anything caught your eye?
There was an Archibald
Peddie that I rather fancied.
You, Mike?
The Monboddo's worth a look.
Monboddo, really?
Oh, that's interesting.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Back of the net, Mike.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I've had a lot of interest in this
lot and I can start the bidding
at 20,000. I open up at 20,000.
Thank you, gentleman in the front.
20,000. Do I have 22,000?
Good man, 22,000. Do I have 24?
Any more interest at 30,000,
ladies and gentlemen?
32,000, new bidder to my left.
Thank you. 32,000.
The bid is at 32,000. 34?
The bid is at 40,000 in the room.
Any more interest at 40,000?
On the phones, 45,000.
Just got interesting, ladies and gentlemen.
45,000 on the phone. Do we have 50?
Do I have 50,000? Thank you.
50,000 in the room,
ladies and gentlemen.
The bid is at 50,000. Do I have 55?
70,000 in the room,
ladies and gentlemen.
Do I have any more interest
at 70,000? Do I have 75,000?
The bid is at 70,000 in the room.
Do I have any more interest
at 70,000?
Fair warning on 70,000.
Is that as far as we go, 70,000?
(GAVEL BANGS) Sold to the gentleman
on my left for 70,000.
(APPLAUSE)
The Monboddo's yours. It's a gift.
I can't. Why?
Because it's against the rules.
Move in.
Then you can see it every day.
(LAUGHS)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
RADIO: "..a familiar sight
on Edinburgh's famous skyline."
But like many other landmark banks
in the city,
First Cally seems to be feeling
the pressure of the credit crunch
with several jobs
rumoured to be under threat.
Meanwhile, it was officially
confirmed yesterday
that local company McKenzie
Electronics is being
bought out by a Japanese
components company.
"Edinburgh entrepreneur and millionaire
Mike McKenzie was upbeat."
"Opportunities like this don't
come along very often.
It seemed like the right time
to sell up and move on."
Listen, Margot,
you know how things are around here.
There's just not gonna be
those kind of bonuses.
The school fees are killing me
as it is!
I've gotta go. I'll call you back.
Yeah, I promise.
Allan Cruickshank? That's right.
They... We would like to see you
upstairs in human resources.
Right. OK.
Er, just check the old diary.
Erm, you've been scheduled
for 2:15 tomorrow.
2:15?
You must run a very tight
ship up in human resources.
Yes, we're very busy with
all the staff reviews.
Thanks.
(HUMS)
Good morning, Martin.
Morning, professor.
There's somebody waiting for you,
by the way.
I sent him down to the vault.
He's from the bank. Brand new
Mercedes. Top of the range.
(HUMS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(HUMS) Hello, darlings.
I'm very sorry, I don't think
I've had the pleasure.
Professor Gissing, I presume. Yes.
Bruce Cameron
from Cameron Fine Arts.
I've actually left you
several messages.
Yes, well, I don't deal directly
with galleries.
Ah, well, you see, we're not
a gallery, we're consultants,
as I think you know. How thrilling.
Yes. Well, erm...
Well, I must say,
this is a splendid collection.
How long have you been helping
the bank acquire these works?
Erm, the best part of 25 years.
The old chairman at First
Caledonian was most particular
that we selected the very
finest Scottish works
and we rotate our selection
carefully
from branch to branch of the bank.
There's a whole nation's history
here.
Kept in trust for the Scottish
people by a Scottish bank.
So, tell me,
how is the inventory coming along?
The inventory is coming along
rather slowly, alas.
Ah.
I see no-one's
actually spoken to you.
Spoken to me? (SIGHS) Erm...
The bank want to move
rather more swiftly, I'm afraid.
We have been brought in
to evaluate the collection,
to make an analysis and to
advise on the best possible
strategic approach for...
taking it to market.
To market? As quickly as possible.
I was told this collection is safe.
I was given personal assurances
by Sir Ian.
I... This is a disgrace!
I can under...
This collection is unique!
Yes, believe me, I understand
how you must feel...
Oh... I don't think you do.
As a matter of fact, it's
one of the reasons why I...
have chosen to bring
in Miss Stanton
to help manage the transition.
I believe that you and she
are old friends.
Laura?
My Laura? I can't believe Laura would
do that to you, I really can't.
Well, she has. She's done it.
A stab in the back, it really is.
Have you spoken to her?
I haven't had the chance. She's already
on her way here. It's a fait accompli.
Sorry I'm late.
Bloody horrible day at work.
Ah, I see you've started without me.
What's going on? Has somebody died?
Robert here has just been sacked.
What, by the art college?
No, Allan, by your bank.
What do you mean? I mean they're
gonna destroy my collection,
break it up and flog it off
as if it's so much junk.
Oh, I'm sorry, Robert. Although, it's
not like it was your full-time job.
And technically, those
paintings are their property.
I warn you, Allan,
I'm not in the mood.
It's the new CEO. He's on a mission
. Whole floors of people are being sacked.
Nobody tells you anything. It's all
done by stealth. You'll be all right.
Well, I hope so. I have a meeting
with human resources tomorrow.
You haven't put a foot wrong,
have you? Not in 20 years.
Anyway, enough of this
doom and gloom. You've
just sold your company
. We should be celebrating.
Yeah. Laura is back.
She's in charge of
selling the collection.
Bloody hell.
I am still here.
Drink? Drink, yeah. I'll get them.
Three more of these, please.
25 years it's
taken me to put that
collection together!
And each picture chosen
not just on its merit
but as part of a kind of Scottish
symphonic ensemble, you know?
I'm sorry. I know how much
that collection meant to you.
Well, they are not gonna
get away with it!
I just don't see
what you can do about it.
To be honest,
I have seen this day coming.
It's a little sooner
than I anticipated, but
that doesn't matter. I
have it all planned.
I'm gonna need your help.
Help? With what?
I have chosen one or two pictures
that are close to my heart.
Cadell, Cameron,
nothing too ostentatious.
You know them, Mike. Yeah.
Well, I believe we can remove them
without too much trouble.
Remove? You mean steal? No,
I don't mean steal! I mean liberate.
What, in a heist?
Like the Italian Job? If you like.
Only less Italian. I can't quite
see you in a mini, Robert.
Can you, Mike? Oh, bugger it.
Allan, what hotel
do the bank put people up in?
What?
Which... Oh, never mind. It'll probably
be the Sheraton. Please, Mike, don't...
Hello. Er, can you do me a favour?
Can you see if there's
a Laura Stanton staying here?
(DISTANT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
So that's agreed.
You, me and Mike are
going to lubricate..
. We're going to liberate
those paintings, yes?
So... Shh, don't tell anybody.
It's gonna be the crime
of the century. Shh.
We can do it!
Yeah.
Go on, then. Go on.
Ohh! Wonder goal!
Nobody's renting commercial space
just now.
Honestly, if you saw
half the stuff I've got
on my books... Sorry,
what's your name?
Sharon.
Sharon, this is your priority.
I don't wanna hear about other clients.
I promise you, we're doing our best.
Have you seen the new brochures?
Ah. Hey!
We're working here!
Business! Sorry, boss. It's him.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Clowns! Hello. How are you?
One second. Well, nice to meet you,
Sharon. The boys will show you out.
How you doing, mucker?
Ah, no, I've not been avoiding you.
I've just... See you, darling.
..a wee fiscal situation.
But you know I'm good for the money.
You better had be, Charlie,
or you'll be getting a visitor.
No, there's no need for that.
I'll get you your money.
"Aye. Well, make sure you do."
Pablo Picasso.
Sexual philanderer, certainly,
but more importantly,
towering genius.
This giant of the 20th century
once famously said,
"Bad artists copy.
Great artists steal."
This week, I want you to
steal from a great artist,
and with that theft,
to make a work of your own.
That's it. Go away. Off. Go paint.
Hello. Ah! Come in, come in.
Tell me, what do you see?
A skull. You've shown me it before.
The anamorphosis.
Yeah, I love it.
It's Holbein's little joke.
Memento mori,
a reminder of our own mortality.
Because in the great scale of
things, Mike, life is short.
Will you have a wee sensation?
It's a wee bit early for me.
Oh, OK. Do you know what I like
about you, Mike?
It's your passion. Sure.
You see something you want,
you grab it with both hands.
Yeah, once, maybe.
I'm not sure anymore.
Slainte. Slainte.
Ahh. Right, so, you said
you wanted to show me something.
I'm pretty sure
it wasn't Holbein's skull. No.
Remember this? Take a look.
(SIGHS) Monboddo.
When did you take this? Yesterday
afternoon in the repository.
I'm afraid it's now
part of the bank's collection.
What's it doing there? Laura took it
with her when she went to...
She sold it.
Yeah. About a yeah and a half ago,
in fact.
I was lucky to get the chance
to acquire it, really.
On the bank's behalf, obviously.
Her gallery was in trouble.
I felt it was the
least we could do. Why
didn't you tell me?
Well, it was just after the break up
and you were in a mess
and we just felt that it would
make things worse. Who's we?
Oh, well, I asked Allan's advice
when Laura approached me.
(LAUGHS) And what did Allan say?
Er, it's just a picture.
But it's not just a picture,
is it, Mike? No.
It's got secrets. Significances.
It's a funny thing, art, isn't it?
I mean, you think it's about
history, education, culture, taste,
money, and it's not.
It buries itself inside you,
doesn't it?
It gets under your skin.
Why are you telling me this?
Well, what I said last night,
I meant it.
I want those pictures, Mike.
And I think I know how to get them.
And I wondered if there was one
in particular which you might want.
Right, well, I guess I'll just more
or less start at the beginning.
Identify each work,
check it against
the original sales receipts.
You know, we could do very well out
of this, Laura. You make this sale,
we can get out of here
and we're on our way to New York.
I know this can't be easy for you.
No, me? I'm fine. I just...
I just feel bad for Robert,
that's all.
And Mike?
What about Mike? What about Mike?
I haven't spoken to Mike in over
two years. It's not about Mike.
Well, but if you felt
you needed to meet up
and talk to him and clear the air...
No. No, I really don't.
I just wanna get the job done.
(PHONE RINGS)
(PHONE RINGS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Erm, 17 percent, I would think,
at least.
Sorry, one second. Yeah? They've been
trying to get hold of you. It's 2:20.
Oh, God, so it is.
I'll be right there.
Why are you walking so fast?
You didn't think to check with me
first? Laura, I already told you,
he tried your phone and I couldn't
exactly refuse him a meeting.
No, well, you can go to the meeting
on your own, then, can't you?
Come on, don't be childish.
How's that gonna look?
We're supposed to be partners,
remember?
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Er, yes, thank you. Can you tell him
we'll be down in a minute?
Thanks.
You give us five minutes, OK?
Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.
Hi.
Hi.
You wanna sit down? Yeah.
You look great. Thanks.
Well, better than you did
the last time I saw you.
Well, the last time you saw me,
I was crying. That's true.
(LAUGHS) And now I'm not.
Well, that's good. I'm glad. Mm.
What's this all about?
You sold our picture.
Yes. Why? I needed the money.
You could've asked me.
No, I couldn't.
Yeah, this was a bad idea, I think.
I wanted a chance to explain
why I took the job.
Cos it's better that it's
you than somebody else.
Yes, it is.
Try telling that to Robert.
And Bruce? What about Bruce?
Well, you're together, obviously.
Yeah. We're engaged.
OK. Is that really that weird?
Yeah.
This shouldn't take long. Thanks.
Hi. You must be Mike.
I'm Bruce. How do you do?
Nice to meet you.
And you.
Everything all right? Yeah.
Good.
So. So, I hear you're handling the
bank's sale of the art collection.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I'd like to buy
one of the pictures.
The Monboddo portrait. Mike.
Well, erm,
since we're jumping right in, erm,
I'm afraid that despite what Professor
Gissing may have lead you to believe,
we are not aiming to
break up the collection.
Pretty much name your price.
God, you must really love Monboddo.
No, I'll stop you right there.
This isn't gonna be possible.
I'm sorry if you've had a wasted
journey. Name your price. Mike.
Christ, this is ridiculous.
I'm sorry. Laura, please.
Listen, Mike, in a couple of weeks,
this will all be done
and I see no reason for it
to be awkward or difficult.
After all, we are all adults here.
Speak for yourself.
Mike. Mike.
Please... (CUTLERY CLATTERS)
I'm sorry, Allan.
I thought I was safe.
Have you told Margot? No.
I don't know how
I'm gonna keep my family going.
The divorce was killing me
as it was. School fees.
Look, I can lend you something
to tide you over.
Thanks, Mike.
What about long-term?
Do you know what the re-employment
rate is for ex-bankers?
I'm gonna be driving a mini-cab
till I'm 70.
How much notice have they given?
Three months.
I told them to
stick it up their arse.
Was that wise? Probably not.
But it felt bloody good.
(SIGHS) Come on, drink up.
Where are we going? To see Robert.
He wants to show me something.
Oh, hello, Allan. I'm so sorry
to hear... Thanks, Robert.
So, what are we doing?
Come with me. A little surprise.
Oh, don't be put off by the smell.
It's a heavy mixture of linseed oil
and cannabis sativa.
Now then, Michael,
prepare to be amazed.
Oh, good God, Robert.
I'd almost forgotten
how beautiful she was. (CHUCKLES)
So what's she doing here?
Take a closer look.
It's a forgery. Damn good one, too,
if it had you fooled.
That is amazing.
Yes. Perfect in every detail.
Nailed it, didn't I?
Ah, Mr Westwater, hello!
These are the two gentlemen
I was telling you about.
Mike, Allan, meet Westie, a
former pupil of mine. Hi.
Westie spent a year
at the Art Institute in Beijing.
The Chinese method
has a lot to recommend it.
Eight hours a day, man,
just copying, copying, copying.
You painted this? Every detail.
And it's yours, Michael.
A present from me.
Since the original is
more than a little unobtainable.
Well, it's great. Shall we go, then?
Thanks, Robert.
Almost exactly like the real thing.
Mm. But it's not, is it?
That's the thing of it.
Most people would be
more than satisfied,
but you and I, we're
different, aren't we?
What about me? You're a banker,
Allan, so you have no soul.
(LAUGHS) Ex-banker.
God, you've really been thinking about
this, haven't you? Oh, indeed I have.
I always knew this day would come.
And so I took full advantage of
my privileged access to the works
and the tools at my disposal.
But unfortunately, with that access
now denied, we must work quickly
to complete and execute.
To swap the fakes for the originals.
And you don't think anybody's
gonna notice? What's to notice?
All the paintings will
be present and correct.
Only we will know otherwise.
And if the day would come
when they happen to discover
that their prize collection
isn't quite what they
thought it was, won't
that be rather delicious?
I'm going to need more money
for materials.
Ah.
Hm.
Mike, you have everything. Well,
I suppose I've got everything I need.
It's just that Bruce
Cameron's got the only two
things that I want. So
I've made a decision.
I've decided that he can have one or
the other, but he's not having both.
Would you be that bloody minded?
Yes, I bloody would.
Well, you're mad. Possibly.
Robert seems pretty determined,
doesn't he? Yes, he does.
I can't see what's in it for me, though.
I'm not into all this art stuff.
Well, if it's just reasons you're looking
for, Allan, I can give you a couple.
Like?
Like you'd be getting two paintings
worth about 200 grand each
and maybe more if you choose wisely.
So that's over 400,000 that Margot
wouldn't be able to get her hands on.
There's one for you. Yeah,
but I couldn't sell them, could I?
Laura used to say you can sell
anything if you know how.
I didn't realise.
And then, of course, you'd be
getting one over on the bank,
which must seem like quite
an attractive prospect at the moment.
So there's two.
Yeah.
All right, then, so that's agreed.
Bit of reciprocity, yes?
And all in good
faith, of course.
You scratch my back, I'll scratch
yours. Sort of quid pro quo.
Aye, fair enough.
Right, all the best, professor.
Thank you.
So? What's he up to now?
I'm not too sure, but I think
there might be a few quid in it.
OK, so, obviously it goes without saying
that this is a bloody stupid idea
and if any one of us wants
to pull out, we can
do so at any point. Agreed?
BOTH: Agreed.
So, where to start.
We have to work out how
to gain entry to the
repository undetected with
how many fake paintings?
We couldn't handle more
than two each, so six.
I only want the Monboddo.
Well, we could still manage six,
but five...
So first up, how to gain entry undetected.
I believe you have an idea.
Indeed I do. I take it you're all
familiar with Doors Open Day,
when the buildings that are usually
inaccessible are open to the public.
I took the kids to St Bernard's Well
last year. Exactly.
Bored out of my brain.
Yes, but the point is,
this year the bank
is opening the repository
for Doors Open in two weeks' time.
So I took the liberty... Two weeks?
Yes... of putting your names down.
Not your real names.
Thing is, I am too
well kent of face and
frame to go in myself
cos I'm there every day.
But I'll find some
other way to get in
. But you can stroll in.
But there are CCTV cameras everywhere
so we'd be noticed. Unless...
I mean, unless we wore disguises,
you know...
Hm. Or we could find a way
to switch the CCTV off.
That's more like it.
Yeah, but how would we do that?
Come on, Charlie,
for God's sake, man!
Pay your rent! What can I tell you?
Times are tough.
The bairns wanna see the football!
Your team's shite.
I'm doing you a favour.
You owe me 250 quid!
Bang out of order!
I tell you, I never thought I'd be back
doing this, collecting door to door.
I blame all them
property programmes
. "Invest in property,
you cannae go wrong."
Just pull over by the entrance
and park normally. OK.
Sorry, how do I park normally?
Well, don't kerb crawl.
It'll make us look suspicious. Right.
Should be about two minutes now.
And you can trust this guy, can you?
Wee Martin?
Oh, yes, he's
completely trustworthy.
Well, he's completely dishonest.
Doesn't look very secure, does it?
Well, it is Doors Open Day, don't
forget. You're practically invited.
OK. And how do we get out again? I mean,
never mind getting to the vaults.
Well, we need a card like Robert.
Yes.
One of these.
Got a sort of chip on it.
See, every time you swipe
one of those, it recognises you
and allows you pre-programmed
privileges and access. That's right.
So why don't we just use Robert's?
No, unfortunately,
since I was designated
persona non grata,
it doesn't work anymore.
Anyway, it's got my name on it.
Then once we're inside the building,
we set off the fire alarm,
get everybody else out
and leave us inside. (ALARM RINGS)
Bingo. Wee Martin's set the alarm.
Robert, can you pass me
those binoculars? Yep. Here.
Thanks. They have a fire drill every month.
Fanatical about it.
Stragglers are executed on site.
Here.
Who's that with Wee Martin?
He's the fire officer,
someone who takes his job
very seriously indeed.
We still don't know
how to get the fakes in yet, though.
There's a cleaning van.
Cleaning van.
Cleaning van.
Charlie, there's a bloke
wants to talk to you.
Somebody wanting to buy their
telly back half price?
No, I don't think so.
Who the hell are you?
You don't need to know who I am.
Mr Carter sent me.
He wants his money.
Hate? What does the other one say?
Also hate.
OK, very good.
I'll give you one week.
You let me know
when you get the money.
If not, I'll be back on Friday.
Friday. Good. Good.
Would anyone believe I was
a cleaner? Do I look like a cleaner?
Sorry, where do we get the cleaning
van from? We don't know yet.
But let's just assume we can get one.
So I would drive the van, looking
like a cleaner, with the fakes,
and you would bring in the originals
which we'd swap from the vault. Yeah.
Sorry, how do we get into the vaults
and why are we swapping frames?
This is why this is
a planning meeting.
How is this a planning meeting
when we don't have a plan? (BUZZER)
Pizza.
I really don't know why
more people don't do this
heist lark for a hobby
. It's very simple, really.
Take the fake paintings to the warehouse
in a van that we don't have...
Yep... the camera will snap
our pictures cos we don't
know how to disable it
. But that doesn't matter.
Cos the camera's in the vaults which
we can't get into. Allan, please.
One quattro stagioni,
one Fiorentino, one American hot.
(LAUGHS) How you doing, Charlie?
Good, aye! I saw the wee
boy out front on his
wee bike and I thought
I'd save him the trip.
Gonna invite me in?
I hope you're not losing your nerve.
Are you losing your nerve?
Gentlemen, we have a guest.
Er, Charlie,
this is Allan and Robert.
Robert, Allan, this is Charlie.
How you doing?
Yeah, no, fine. Good.
Did you want something, Charlie?
Erm, I was just passing so I thought,
call in, just for old time's sake.
I hear you were at
the Midlothian Repository today.
Funny place for an afternoon out.
That's my patch, Mike.
If there's anything I can give you
a hand with down there,
anything at all,
you just let me know, OK?
It's a terrible idea.
He's a total nutter.
I think it makes complete sense.
We need somebody who understands how
you get access to security systems,
who knows the whys and wherefores of how
you get a van that cannot be traced.
Do you realise how much trouble we're
about to get into, Mike? No, seriously.
And do you know how much
trouble we're gonna
get into if we try to
do this on our own?
And I've known Charlie Calloway
since I was a boy.
Yeah, something I don't understand.
Hm? What's that?
Why didn't you take the fake?
I mean, it looks exactly the same.
It's not remotely the same.
It's just a picture, Mike.
It's not like it's a kid or a dog
or something, it's just a picture.
I've only got pictures.
And that particular picture represents
the three happiest years of my life.
And one way or another,
it's coming with me when I go.
Go where?
I haven't made my mind up yet.
But I'm going.
That's Mike McKenzie!
Nice wheels.
Wondered how long it'd take you.
How you doing, Charlie?
I haven't seen you around here
for a long while.
Still looks pretty much the same.
Aye. Can I have a word?
Aye. Theresa.
Go and tell your ma to put the
kettle on, we've got visitors. OK.
That one of yours? No, no.
She's my wee sister's bairn.
My sister Carol, Michael. Hiya.
Hey, Carol. You remember
the McKenzies, don't you?
From number 26. Oh, aye, of course!
Aye! Hiya! (LAUGHS)
Oh, they must have been
proud of you, eh? Yeah.
Aye! Queen's Award for Industry.
Yep.
Scotland's most eligible bachelor.
Aye, that was a while ago.
Howay! Thanks, Carol.
Handsome boy like you, you
must be fighting them off
with a shitty stick. What
would you say, Carol?
Eh?
Oh, aye, I'd shag him. (LAUGHS)
Now, listen, there's plenty
more biscuits in the
tin, so you two just help
yourselves, OK? Thanks.
So, what do you need?
OK, it's all sorted. Calloway's in.
Are you sure he can be trusted? Yes,
I'm sure. There's just one thing.
He wants a painting.
(LAUGHS) He wants a painting? What's
he gonna do with it, wipe his arse?
I think he's got himself
in over his head in some
business deal with some
gangster from Newcastle
and he wants to use it
as collateral to buy
himself some time. Give me strength!
Collateral?
And what sort of painting
would this gangster friend prefer?
Does he favour the abstract
expressionist or the figurative?
God, Robert, you're such a snob!
How dare you! I'm an elitist. There
is a difference, you know. Is there?
Anyway, he wants a John Smart.
He wants a Smart? Yeah, this Geordie
guy's been very specific.
He wants one of the landscapes.
Do you think
Westie's up to it? But Smart is...
He's a...
OK, look, Robert, we
either go with Calloway
or we forget the whole thing.
It's up to you.
But if we go with Calloway,
there's no turning back.
All right. Yes. You're right.
I'll get in touch with Westie.
Game on, as they say.
OK, I never work with amateurs
because their morals get in the way.
But I'm in a bit of a situation
myself,
plus the fact
you have some inside knowledge
and because Mikey's
bankrolling this operation
and I've known Michael for...
30 years... well
more than 30 years, so
I'm making an exception.
First things first. How to get you
from here in Sighthill
to here at the repository
without leaving a trail on CCTV.
If you travel by car, ANPR technology means
they'll take a photograph of your face
and your number plate. So you two
will be travelling by bus.
Bus? Yes, bus.
Never been on a bus before?
Can we just get back to the point?
What do we do about
the CCTV at the repository?
That's where my friend
Brighty comes in. He's
installed most of the security
systems in Edinburgh.
Money. Can I have the money?
Right. I'll be two minutes.
All right, Brighty? Charlie!
30 minutes my arse!
Midlothian Repository.
Paintings. I need the security
system to not work. Piece of piss.
Usual rules.
I'll get you in then I'll be long
gone like a turkey in the corn.
Untraceable.
Jesus, Brighty!
You need to lighten up a bit, son.
That's why I cook. Helps me relax.
I'm getting in here at 11:20
in the van. Correct.
You're going in the van
with Glenno and Jonno.
What about the paintings?
You'll sort that out, Professor.
Right, eyes to me, Glenno, Jonny.
Jonno.
Now, a work of art consists
essentially of four elements.
The frame itself, of course, a canvas,
a stretcher board and the splines,
that's these little wedge-like things
that keep everything embedded in place.
Charlie, Mike's been in the papers
and everyone knows the professor.
If they see him driving up
in a cleaning van, they'll
know he's not a cleaner.
We'll have disguises.
But only Allan,
Mike and the professor.
Are we getting disguises? What do you
need disguises for? I don't know...
It's not a fancy dress
costume party, it's a robbery.
OK? Yeah, fine.
Right. We've got five days to go.
Get yourselves ready
and do what you need to do.
(MUSIC DROWNS OUT VOICES)
Hey, darling, we've done it.
"We have got a buyer and the bank want
us to start negotiating a contract."
Oh, that's... great! "Yeah, I know."
Yeah, that's great, Bruce. Yep.
New York, here we come. (LAUGHS)
"How's the inventory coming along?"
Well, Robert's left it in a right mess,
but I've got half the paintings logged.
And then there's
the print collection.
It's a bit of a nightmare.
Oh, well, you know, do your best.
All right. "All right,
I'll see you soon." OK, bye.
Hurry up. Yeah, OK.
"Love you. Bye." Bye.
All I want really is to sell it as
quickly and painlessly as possible.
OK, no problem. As I said,
it's a very good property.
Go!
(LAUGHS)
Yes! (LAUGHS)
Well done, Jonny.
I'm Glenn. He's Jonno.
Gotcha.
Aye, good. Good. Good, eh? Aye.
(CHUCKLES)
What have you been up to, Robert?
(SIGHS)
RADIO: '..changeable
from Saturday morning.
So if you're heading out early
for Doors Open Day tomorrow,
you might want to take an umbrella.'
Where the hell is Mike?
Shall I ring him again?
Don't worry, Allan.
He'll meet us in the pub.
That's ridiculous,
everybody can ride a bike.
We're not actually going
cycling, though, are we?
No, but the point is,
we go into the pub
and we talk about cycling,
we draw attention to ourselves
and then bright and early we leave and
everyone will assume we've gone cycling.
It's like, erm... It's like putting
a beautiful frame around a picture.
It just sets up the whole story.
I think I'll ring Mike again.
What do you think?
Oh, Allan, get a grip!
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Oh, for the love
of God, Allan, not again!
Hi, Laura.
Wanna sit down here?
(CHURCH BELLS CHIME)
I heard you sold the business.
Yeah. Should've done it years ago.
My heart's not really in it anymore.
Well, what will you do?
I don't know.
I haven't really thought about it.
Look, Laura, what are we doing?
I thought we were done.
Yeah.
Well, go and get married
and... be happy.
I'm not gonna bother you anymore.
Yeah, I didn't come here to talk
about us, Mike. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry.
I came here to talk about Robert.
What about him? Well, I'm doing
the inventory for the collection
and... well, it's a mess.
Well, you know what he's like.
I don't know, I just
hope he hasn't done anything
stupid, that's all.
Well, I think Robert's more than
capable of looking after himself.
Yeah. Well, I just thought
I'd tell you as a friend.
A friend?
Laura, Robert's my friend.
What did you mean when you said
your heart's not in it?
Just being here, doing this,
doesn't really make sense anymore.
Why? Ah, come on. Why do you think?
Mike... Don't.
Don't. Don't do that.
You should probably go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's my girl.
Yeah, I used to be obsessed
with cycling when I
was younger and I gave it
up for years and years
and just recently started again.
I looked at myself in
the mirror and I thought,
"This is the way forward"
cos the scenery, the hills
are just right, whereas
the gym is the most boring
place in the world.
Where the hell's Mike?
Shall I give him another call?
Relax, Allan. He'll be here.
Drink up, it's your round.
More of the same, please.
RADIO: 'And for those of
you looking for something
to do with the family
this Saturday morning,
don't forget about Doors Open Day.
This increasingly popular annual event
is happening right across the city today
with more than 50 of Edinburgh's
less accessible premises
and landmarks
opening their doors...'
It's my mistake.
I should never have suggested
that you come along.
(SNIFFS) I should never have come.
Well, it's better to find out now,
though, isn't it?
What you really want.
I don't know what I really want.
I think getting married to me would've
been rather reckless, wouldn't it? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
I'll see you down the repository.
I'm going for a walk.
Come in. Do you copy? Do you copy?
All right, McKenzie? Aye. I thought
you'd bottled it. Are you kidding?
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Hi, Mike. Morning. Do you copy me?
Are you copying me? Yes?
Hello.
Where the hell were you last night?
It's OK. Er, something came up,
but it's sorted now. It better be.
If you've compromised the mission, Mike...
If I've compromised the mission?
Allan, we're only gonna
swap a couple of
paintings, we're not taking
on a terrorist cell.
Yeah. Sorry.
The fakes are in the van.
Put your mobiles in here.
You get them back
when we're back at base.
What?
Should we synchronise watches?
There's no need for that.
As soon as Mike
sends a blank text
from inside the vault,
everyone begins. Brighty's in place.
Remember, these phones are
disposable for a reason.
I'm trying to raise
Glenno on this
and he's just not answering.
Shall we try being on
the same channel?
Ready? Yes. Yes.
Don't mess up. No.
Come on, get in!
Make sure the pictures are secure.
(GEARS CRUNCH) Oh.
Oh, dear.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
The gearbox is a bit slippy.
(BRAKES SCREECH) Oh, sorry!
(MEN SHOUT)
(GEARS CRUNCH) Come on!
(LAUGHS) Hold on.
Hi, Mike, it's Laura. Erm... I...
I need to talk to you.
So could you... call me back
as soon as you get this.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Good morning!
Morning. The cleaners
at the usual time. Aye.
Where's Billy? Erm, er, he's sick.
Oh, that'd be right,
the lazy bugger!
You here for Doors Open Day?
This way.
Make your way over to the building.
That's it. Keep coming.
Hi, Martin.
Good morning, Miss Stanton.
I wasn't expecting you.
It's not a good day.
We've got all these visitors.
I'll just be in the print room. It'd be
better if you come back another time.
I won't get in anybody's way,
I promise.
Welcome to Midlothian Repository
here on Doors Open Day.
Most of you will be
amazed at the astonishing
collection of art which
this building contains.
But first, some basic housekeeping.
In the unlikely event of a fire,
the main exit is through reception,
then out to the muster point,
which is on the flagstones
in front of the building.
Right, get our gloves on.
Right, if you'd just like to follow
me into the repository itself,
the tour can begin.
This way.
(CHILDREN LAUGH)
Come on, darling!
Do you want to play football or not?
Here you go.
I know it looks far
but it's not really.
Don't forget to look up.
Pretend you're in a cruise ship.
Keep up at the back.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're
about to enter the restricted area
so I'm afraid there are one or two
more rules and regulations. Excuse me.
Sorry. Er, I need the toilet.
OK, er, back down the corridor,
second door on your left.
We'll wait here for you. I'll need
to swipe you through. Thank you.
Try not to be too long.
So once we go through
the doors, do not touch
any of the artworks.
Some of them are extremely valuable.
If anyone feels unwell,
the air quality is slightly strange
due to climate control.
If you do feel unwell,
let me know as soon as you can.
Some of man's earliest art has been
discovered in Aberdeenshire,
decoratively carved stone balls
dating from the...
(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS AND BUZZES)
(MOBILE PHONE BUZZES)
(ALARM RINGS) Fire alarm.
Right, back to the muster point.
Straight through reception.
Follow me.
Right, team, let's get to it.
Not again.
Quickly, without running.
Straight to the muster point.
Swiftly but safely. Thank you.
20 minutes. Go.
(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)
Bingo.
We're three short.
Mr Reynolds.
Mr Gainsborough.
Ms Stanton. It's not as though it's a
real fire, is it? That's not the point!
Open sesame.
You take the low numbers,
I'll take the high numbers.
(HUMS)
(ALARM RINGS)
Here's the fake. In you go with it,
as fast as you can.
See, swipe in, swipe out.
That's what I did.
Swipe in, swipe out.
I did exactly what you did.
I think you've broke it.
I did exactly what you did!
(ALARM RINGS)
I think we should call the police.
The police? Oh, no, no.
That won't be necessary. No. Sorry,
are you challenging my authority?
We'll phone the police! We'll
phone the police! Thank you. OK!
(PANTS)
Just one more of these
to go and then we can
start replacing them with the fakes.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm only halfway through
the lithographs,
but there is all sorts of stuff
missing, just like I thought.
Psst! Mike!
I need your help.
So how does that art...
Look, we're running
out of time here.
Well, we've still got two paintings.
We haven't made the swap.
One of them
happens to be your boss's.
Oh. Whoa. That's not gonna work.
Grab the ladder.
Mr Cameron! Hi.
What are you doing here?
Well, I was hoping to get inside.
Oh, we're busy today.
We're too busy.
What are all these people
doing waiting outside?
It's a fire alarm drill thing.
It's all right for
authorised personnel, yeah?
No, you can't go in!
(ALARM RINGS)
Mike. Swipe card.
They're not letting anyone in.
Can you come out, please?
That might be a bit tricky.
I can't get out. My card won't work.
(DOOR BUZZES)
Mike.
(DOOR PANEL BEEPS)
It's just not working.
Allan. The swipe card.
Allan.
The swipe card, Allan.
Hello. Are you here for
the Doors Open tour?
Er, no, no, I'm authorised.
I'm with the bank. I've got my card.
Oh. I can't let anyone go
in at the moment. We've
evacuated the building
cos of a fire alarm.
(ALARM RINGS)
Yeah, I understand that, but at the
moment, we can't let anyone go in.
Just until the fire brigade
give the all-clear.
(SHOUTS)
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Mike? What's the matter?
Charlie, you're gonna have to call
Brighty. We're stuck in here.
You'll have to get him
to reprogram all the doors to open.
Oh, you're an amateur idiot!
Aghhh!
Allan...
..stop it. Yeah.
"I need you to go in again." No.
"It's too dangerous."
Brighty, just do it.
(SIGHS) All right. All right.
Right, I'm phoning Charlie.
I'm gonna go round the back.
All right? You
really shouldn't leave
the muster point
until the fire brigade
have given the all-clear.
I have authorisation. You can't go in!
Why not?
You don't have clearance
! I've got plenty of clearance.
Calm down. It's all right.
Crikey.
(DOOR BEEPS) Yes!
(DOOR BEEPS)
"(PHONE RINGS)" Come on, Charlie,
pick up! Right, we're out of time.
Start the engine, we're out of here.
But the boss's painting.
He can get another one. Come on,
we're out of time! Start the engine!
(MUFFLED ARGUING)
Oh, my God! Oh, shit.
I didn't know he was there. What was
he doing? Christ, you've killed him.
Don't be stupid! Get him shifted!
And get back in the van!
Jonny! Jonno, Jonno! Come here!
You know my name now, eh?
Give me a hand!
Mike! We've still got the fakes!
They're supposed to be in the vault!
Mike! Come on! Let's go!
Give me 30 seconds.
Mike, what are you doing? Mike!
Where's he going? Mike!
Wait! Wait, two minutes! Mike!
We need to get out of here!
Two minutes. No, not two minutes!
(ALL SHOUT)
Move!
What are you doing? Mike!
Mike! Come on, come on!
Two minutes. Two minutes.
(SHOUTING) Allan, I'm here!
Go, go, go!
(TYRES SCREECH) Allan!
Quickly! Allan!
Come on! I'm not gonna do this again!
Bruce?
Jesus, he's still coming!
Get him in! Come on, get him in!
(TYRES SCREECH)
Right, he's in. Come on, Jonno, go!
(SIREN WAILS)
You didn't call the police, did you?
They were engaged.
Jonno, not too fast.
Are you insane. What kind of
getaway car doesn't go too fast?
We don't wanna draw attention
to ourselves. Great.
Now we've got the originals
and the fakes. Yeah,
change of plan. Don't
worry, I've got an idea.
Now, Mr Calloway,
it is absolutely essential
that you keep her away from any extremes
of temperature, moisture or light. Right.
OK, in you go. Tenderly, tenderly.
(DISTANT SIRENS)
This bit of business,
you know what it means, don't you?
It means I know your shit
and you know my shit,
and that goes for your boys,
as well.
I'll pass it on. You do that.
You lads ditch the fakes.
I'll take this one to Newcastle.
Hello, police?
Aye. There's this abandoned van
down by the docks.
Looks a bit dodgy, you know?
Aye, it's just down by the water,
you know?
OK.
Are you sure Bruce didn't get a good
look at you? Absolutely positive.
And even if he had, your disguises were
so brilliant, he'd be none the wiser.
We'll have left a clue.
A fibre of cloth or a stray hair
and tyre tracks by the caravan.
I've seen CSI.
(LAUGHS) Allan, if you could just kerb
your natural pessimism for a second,
we set out to do something
and we did it.
The police will find the van
with the fakes.
They'll think the thieves have
panicked and just... made off.
Yes. And let's face it, Bruce can't have
seen me or recognised me cos if he had,
the police would've called.
Yeah, OK.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Er, Professor Gissing.
Yes, inspector, how can I help you?
Really? That's...
That's absolutely awful!
Wh... Yes.
Well, if you think I could be
of any assistance, natur...
No, no, no, not at all.
I'd be completely delighted.
Absolutely, I look forward
to seeing you, inspector. Goodbye.
Our friends, the police. What?
It seems a van full of paintings
was discovered,
stolen works of art,
some sort of bungled robbery,
and they want me
to authenticate the works.
(SIGHS) It's, erm, not exactly
an unexpected surprise.
Who else would they ask?
I am more or less the
world's leading authority
on those paintings.
I think that calls for
three more whiskies, don't you?
Yes. Yes.
Is this it? Aye.
Help yourself.
That's really good, darling.
You should stick in at that.
What would you know about it,
you big arse?
(LAUGHS)
Detective Inspector Ransome,
I presume?
Yes. Professor Gissing.
I'm here to authenticate
the pictures.
I gather they've all been found.
Looks like it.
Any idea who the perpetrators were?
None.
Bunch of amateurs, by the
looks of things. Not so
amateur if they were able to
get in and out undetected.
Mm. Erm, are there
any other works missing?
We don't think so, but
we're gonna have to go
through the rest of the collection.
(CHUCKLES)
That's not a job
for the faint-hearted. No.
Something must have made them panic.
Anyway, the good news
is that these beautiful
pictures have been
returned unharmed,
and if that's so, it's
important that they're
placed back in the collection
as soon as possible.
(BUZZER)
"Hello?" Hi. Erm, it's me.
"Come up."
Hi. Erm...
I left you a message but... You OK?
(SIGHS)
Yeah, it's been a crazy 24 hours.
You heard about the robbery? Mm.
The police wanted to talk to us
and Bruce got hurt.
Is he OK? Yeah, ish.
Poor Bruce.
Erm, can I come in?
It's a fake.
Are you sure?
Absolutely. No doubt at all.
So you, er, you're really leaving,
then?
Well, yeah, I said I was.
Did you think I was making it up?
No, no. Where you gonna go?
Haven't decided.
Right.
I'd offer you a drink but, erm...
It's over, Mike.
With me and Bruce.
I, er... I called things off.
Erm, yeah, er...
OK. I've tried really hard to...
forget about you and just move on
but...
..you're the only person I'm thinking
about whenever you're not there. So...
Yep.
OK. I have to ask you a question.
Yeah? Why do you never look back
when you say goodbye?
What?
Whenever I drop you off anywhere,
like the train station or airport, you
say goodbye but you never look back.
And I always have to look back.
So the conclusion that I came to
was that I needed you
more than you needed me.
That's not true. The
other night you swanned
off into the sunset
and didn't look back
and the conclusion I
came to then was that I
was never gonna see you again.
OK, erm...
Why did you never look back?
Because I knew you would be there.
Because... I knew you loved me.
That makes sense.
I do love you.
I'm still in love with you.
I never stopped.
Well... I still love you, too.
And I never stopped.
Hang on. Wait. Hey. Hm?
I have to tell you something.
Right, let's get this over with.
You stole our painting?
Well, you see,
I didn't know you were coming back.
You... You idiot!
Mike! And the others?
What are they getting out of this?
Well, Allan's broke
and he saw it as a way out.
And Robert, well,
Robert wanted to liberate them.
Steal them, you mean. He wanted to
steal them for himself.
Well, we replaced them
with fakes and we put the
fakes in a van to be
discovered by the police.
Where are the originals?
Where are they now?
They're in Robert's cottage.
Well, all except one, which we had to
give to a guy named Calloway and, well,
it's probably in Newcastle by now.
Hi, Laura.
Hi...
..Allan. Does she know everything?
Yeah. Right.
Have you told the police?
No, Allan, no, because you are going to
put the paintings back. All of them.
I can't see Robert agreeing to that.
TV: "Police are still
looking into the"
baffling events surrounding
a bungled robbery"
at the Midlothian Repository
during Doors Open Day yesterday.
"It seems that the thieves,
who stole..."
(CHILDREN SHOUT)
Charlie. Charlie!
What?
Oh, here we go.
No, not picking up. He's probably still
driving on his way back to the cottage.
(LAUGHS) Did you two really,
really honestly believe that you
were gonna get away with this?
Hm? I mean, the fakes
may have bought you some time,
but what about all the things
you didn't fake? What?
The drawings.
The Picasso, the Matisse?
No idea what you're talking about.
There are over a dozen things
missing.
And we haven't even got halfway
through the inventory.
Hang on, we took
seven paintings.
That's it.
And we had fakes for every one.
I have to go and find Robert.
Allan, you stay here. Yeah.
You wanna come with me?
I had no idea. I trust...
Listen, it's Sunday.
I'm a religious man. Yeah. I should
be on the golf course. Yeah.
Instead I'm up here in jock land
collecting bad debts.
I trusted you, Charlie.
I helped you out.
And you ripped me off.
I swear to you... Shut up. Yes.
It's simple. You've got
this afternoon to sort this mess out
or I'm cutting my losses
the old-fashioned way.
And then getting home to Newcastle in
time for Downton Abbey. You understand?
Yep. I understand.
Mike?
Is this him?
That's his wee girlfriend.
Done a bolt then, has he,
this mate of yours?
It's not good. No.
No.
Get yourself some chips?
Hello, Charlie.
(GROANS)
Where's Mike?
Hello?
They should be in here.
Wow. He's cleared the place out.
How much do you think it's all worth?
Well, the paintings you lot took,
almost a million,
but if you count the prints he's
taken, it's a couple of million,
at least.
I'm so sorry, Mike.
Sonofabitch.
I'm gonna have to phone Allan.
"(PHONE RINGS)"
Allan. Mike?
Oh, thank God. Erm...
"What's wrong?"
Mike, you better hurry and come down to
Calloway's office here. Why? What for?
"It's all gone a bit tits-up,
really."
I'm really sorry. Look, hurry up,
Mike. They're coming to get you...
Thought you'd get away with giving me
a fake, did you? Listen, Charlie...
You've got my picture,
I've got your friend.
Charlie, I haven't got your painting.
Get your arse down to my office
right now.
Mike.
Mike!
Who's that? Who?
Jesus, that was quick.
What's wrong? I'm gonna
have to go with those
guys and I want you to
do something for me.
Take the keys, wait until I'm gone,
drive to the hotel, and if I'm not back
within an hour, you call the police.
Why? What's happening?
Do you remember I told
you about a guy called Calloway?
Uh-huh.
Robert's given him a fake painting and
he was gonna use it to pay off a debt.
He thinks I've got the original.
They've got Allan.
They've got Allan? Yeah.
For Christ sake, Mike,
just call the police! No, no.
Just give me a couple of hours.
I'm gonna go and sort it out.
It'll be OK.
Party for McKenzie!
All right, Glen?
Where's your pal, Gissing?
Don't know. I think he's done
a runner and taken the paintings.
You're free to take a look around
if you want.
You thought you were all so clever,
didn't you? Playing a little joke.
No, it's not like that. Calloway
is raging. The Geordies are raging.
Move! In the car.
Move!
Hiya, Mike! How you doing, Mike?
Nice to see your face.
All right, Charlie?
What is this?
What do you think this is?
What is this?
Well, I'm assuming it's not your
painting. Oh, you're assuming?
You're assuming correctly, McKenzie.
And I'm assuming you and
your pals have the original.
I don't have your painting.
Gissing stitched us up,
he's taken all the paintings,
mine, Allan's and... I
don't know how he's
done it yet, but he
swapped yours for a fake.
No. You came to me, you asked
for my help, I gave my help.
You gave me this picture, this
worthless piece of shit picture.
I passed it on to my friend,
in good faith,
as a down-payment
on an outstanding debt!
I'm getting bored.
He doesn't have your painting.
What... I'm an idiot.
What was I thinking? Mixing with
the likes of you, McKenzie.
Charlie, really not helping.
Your shit is my shit, remember?
Here we are, this is our shit,
and we're in it together.
I think we're getting off
the point here, lads.
I agree with you. Do you mind?
I can get you your money.
I can pay off Charlie's debts.
You're gonna have to give me
a day or two, my money's tied up.
In my business, my house, I've got
nothing under the mattress. No! Shite!
He's got loads of dosh.
Please, no. Jesus!
Don't involve him in this.
Give me till tomorrow. At least.
It's always manana with you jocks,
isn't it? Eh?
You better write a cheque, Mike,
you better do something.
I don't think you understand
the situation here.
I can take a hit for 200,000
if I have to.
Some sort of payment
has to be made today.
Now, I don't mind
if it's a painting,
I don't mind of it's cash.
Don't mind of it's good
old-fashioned flesh and bone.
(WHIMPERS) See.
But some sort of payment
must be made.
Aye. I've got no option.
So as it's your first offence...
..left foot or right foot?
I mean, do you have a preference?
Me?
(DOOR OPENS)
Hello. For the love of Christ...
Hello, yourself. Please, come in,
take a pew. Who's this, eh?
I dunno.
You got a plan, honey? Mm-hm. OK.
Erm, I don't know if this would
help, it's a John Patrick Monboddo,
Gissing left it for you in the
cottage, Mike. It is the original.
I wanted a big landscape. Eh?
A John Smart,
not a pissy little portrait.
OK. OK. Yes, but this one,
this one has a story.
Her name is Magdalena Dudek
and she was Polish and a singer.
Monboddo fell in love with her and
begged her to marry him. So she did.
Then after a couple of years,
she left him heartbroken
and they found him
in Paris with nothing.
Nothing apart from this portrait.
What's the asking price?
She's very marketable.
Probably a couple of hundred grand,
if not more
if you find the right buyer.
I'm gonna have to rush you.
Oh, aye?
Yes, I've called the police.
You what? Eh? Er...
(SIRENS APPROACH)
Christ! Oh, you stupid cow!
Better not be another forgery,
Charlie!
Come on, let's get out of here. You
know, I think I'll take it. Great.
(ALL SHOUT)
This way. This way.
Come on! Alan, are you OK?
Oh, yeah, fine.
I can't believe
you called the police.
Oh, God, we're gonna go to prison.
It's all right.
I just told them it was a fire.
(LAUGHS)
(SIRENS WAIL)
(MUSIC DROWNS OUT VOICES)
'My dear Michael,
and indeed, my dear Laura,
for I cannot write the one name
without thinking of the other.
I've been blessed with many things
in my life,
but I've never found the love
that so clearly exists between you.
My passion has always been
for my work.
Just as I know with absolute certainty
that the two of you should not be parted,
I hope you'll understand that I could not
be parted from my beloved paintings.
But I leave you the Monboddo
as a memento mori.
A symbol to remind you
that life is short,
that you must grab life
by the throat, smudges and all.
I will think of you.
And if you should ever
pass a thought in my direction,
I hope it will be a kind one.
Best wishes, Robert Gissing.'
At last
My love has come along
Bonjour.
# My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, oh, oh
At last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
And I found a dream
That I could speak to
A dream that I
Could call my own
I found a thrill
To press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
No! Mike, no.
Oh, yeah, you smile...
We were wondering about
this painting here.