Double Eagle Ranch (2018) Movie Script
1
[soft serene music]
[Marc] Jesus, look at her.
Red sweetened hair,
soft Roman nose.
Green eyes, vast pupils.
Black plates wide like
she wants to see more
of this world than anyone else.
Sitting still, she's effecting.
Lyndsey, after five years, I--
I have to piss.
Pull over at the next Exit.
Lyndsey, I still swell
as if I'm seeing your beauty
for the very first time.
- For fuck's sake, Marc.
- Where?
- Anywhere.
- Where?
- Anywhere!
- I want to find you
- a good place to piss.
I care. -Here. Now.
- [tires screeching]
- Here? -Here.
Lyndsey.
Lyndsey. Lyndsey.
[urine trickling]
Jesus Christ.
Can't you see
I'm still crazy about you?
[rhythmic retro music]
Your step's grace and skirt's
sway were infatuating.
Potent, like longing
somehow for a connection
that hadn't yet existed.
I'm glad we eventually dated,
otherwise it would have actually
been really fucking creepy.
I'm in love.
You know that's just dopamine.
[Marc] Rush B was infallible,
different class in opus.
Orange September afternoons
make you feel ephemeral.
- No, don't do that.
- I would make cookies without the intention
of baking cookies.
[chuckles] Where have you been?
[cell phone vibrating]
This is the worse
first date ever.
- Calm down.
- [door squeaking]
Wait, is that
an indoor wind chime?
[mystical music]
Why didn't you
call Helen to help?
You have a nurse exactly
for emergencies like this.
We have talked
about Big Pharma before.
This hurts so bad.
How, just how?
[Evelyn] Who is this?
[mystical music]
I don't think I've seen anyone
with such a chakra
so bright, green.
[phone ringing tone]
Uhm, I'm Lyndsey.
Uhm, here.
Oh, oh, ouch.
- Okay Marc, a knife
- Uh, yeah.
Her dress is just like
caught on the hinge.
I can get this in there
and then we unhook it.
If you'll just take
a deep breath in.
[Evelyn breaths in]
And let it out.
- [cutting sound]
- Oh, oh.
- [Evelyn] Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
- [Lyndsey chuckling]
- Thank you.
I did the same thing on my
passenger car door once,
except not my boob.
She's an angel, a green angel.
[soft rock music]
[Marc] That first time
in your apartment,
the look was penetrating.
I thought you were my key
[Marc] Feeling the phantom
vibrations between us.
I wondered if you felt them too.
Be anyone for me
In Annerdale
In Annerdale
In Annerdale
[electronic beeping]
I knew post-college wouldn't
match my idealities,
but I never
expected to come home
to find that I've been replaced.
[rhythmic techno music]
What the fuck?
You broke up with her
because she got a cat?
- Who are you, Hitler?
- [Lyndsey] We'll make it work.
Stop being such an asshole.
You're gonna have this
pet for like 12 years.
- You didn't think about running it by me?
- I didn't run it by you because
you're a controlling asshole
and you would've said no!
People get pets because
they're trying to fulfil
some lonely, unfulfilled
void in themselves.
And I found out that I am not
fulfilling a void in Lyndsey.
This is worse than if she cheated
on me because that I can handle,
that is instant gratification.
That cat
is like a vibrator for her soul.
[siren wailing]
[Marc yelling]
- You know, you can still get her back.
- Nope, nope, no.
No, you know how you have
that one thing that you
wanna just say, but you
hold onto it for ammunition?
We're done.
You know,
for the break up moment?
Oh yeah? Well, you know
why I can't ever cum
because you have a wide vagina.
Yeah, she is gone.
Girls say they want honesty
until you give 'em honesty.
You always leave out
the last part of the story
- where you're an asshole.
- Asshole?
She got a fucking cat!
[soft guitar strumming]
The first three days of
break up: Liberation.
You can discover
that true person
with all the things
the last didn't have.
Three days later,
you keep rubbing one out
to find serotonin
deep in your spine
to maintain some level of joy.
Do sperm know they're dying?
Is it genocide?
Do they confide as brothers
in their last moments?
Two silent months pass.
She was gone.
But then.
[pastor] Here today to
seek and receive comfort.
We would be less than
honest if we said that
in our hearts, have not
guilt over the situation.
We are not too proud
to acknowledge that
we've come here
today trusting that God
will minister to our hearts.
Give us strength
as we partake in.
[man whispering]
[pastor] It is our human nature
to want to understand
everything now.
Trust requires that we were
[mumbles] rely heavily on God.
- [muffled crosstalk]
- [man] Excuse me, gentlemen.
Lyndsey, I told Marc
not to come.
[door slamming]
[muffled]
But try positive reinforcement.
Five years
and you couldn't come?
- I told you I don't wanna see you.
- [cat meowing]
Shut the fuck up.
No that isn't. [gasps]
Oh my god,
why would you bring that here?
[door slamming]
I'm sorry, Marc. I really am.
I wanted to be there for you.
[Marc] She asked for you
in her last weeks.
I don't know if it was
dementia or the meds,
but she asked for you.
I thought they'd be more time.
[Marc] She wanted us to
spread her ashes up north.
You didn't tell her?
She was dying, I couldn't.
She talked all the time about
how I used to take you there
and her dad buying the place.
How she used to take me there.
It's where she wants to be.
I'm really sorry
to change the subject,
but can you get
Evelyn out of my room
before I piss my vagina.
I'm going
to Daniel's birthday dinner.
I should probably get ready.
You guys have to see
the cutest dog out here.
Lyndsey, I need you for this.
[Lyndsey gasping]
We'll go up on Friday.
- I'll think about it.
- We're going on Friday.
- Marc!
- You don't have to
be nice to me or talk to me.
It's just you meant
a lot to her, okay.
No matter what her logic was.
Okay, one day.
It's a holiday weekend.
Do it and then
head back, one day.
One full day
excluding driving time?
[sighs] For fuck's sake.
Is that a yes?
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not proud of this.
It was the only way
I could save us.
To remind her why we're great.
The cabin is where
she first said she loved me
and it can be that place again.
[soft rock music]
See the redhead woman
With her only daughter
See the only son
With his only father
[Marc] It is amazing.
After five years,
we can drive hours
and still find
new things to talk about.
We've talked about this before.
Haven't talked about
talking about it.
No electric bed
The kids are crying
I forgot about Exeter.
God, I love Exeter.
I really wanna
get to this winery
before it closes
at four or five.
I can't tell because
their website looks like
Netscape forgot to pull out a--
- Winery?
- You had your first legal drink there.
Oh yeah?
Oh yeah.
We'll hit up Exeter
after the winery, okay?
Then we'll do all that cute
boutiqueing and antiquing then.
Jesus save the only
Friend he never had
[Marc] Whoa, hey, hey, hey.
Stop, stop, stop it.
Sorry, just closed.
But we open
tomorrow at 10.00 a.m.
10.00 a.m. wine?
What am I, a hobo?
Again, really sorry, sir.
Look, we drove all
the way from Washington.
We're just passing through.
Look, I'm really sorry.
My family comes here once a year. You
know, uhm. My sister was proposed to here.
- I never heard about that.
- Yeah,
and she even
conceived here after
in her car in the parking lot.
They named her son Haxton
because that is how special
of a place this is.
Geez, I built this
shithole with my own hands
and it doesn't mean that much.
Look, I don't have
time for a tasting,
but I guess
I could sell a few bottles.
That's it?
[soft country strumming]
[Hemingway meowing loudly]
Might be the most beautiful
I have ever seen it.
Sorry that everything
was closed in Exeter.
I forget that
small towns close early.
[wine trickling]
[Hemingway meowing]
[crow cawing]
[Hemingway meowing]
Ah, that is some good wine.
What is that smell?
Hemingway diarrheaed
in her cage again.
Your faith
Is a road map to the...
[Hemingway meowing]
I don't understand how it
can still smell this bad.
You know When it's off,
it's like we're
basking in the smell of it.
If it's on, it's just
diarrhea air in my face.
What's the process for
freeing oneself of an animal?
Okay.
Just looking at Hemingway
makes me so sorry
and my apartment
just smells like--
I'm terrible. Fuck.
Yeah, you're not terrible.
- You're eccentric.
- Great.
Okay, just put
Hemingway on your doorstep
and call animal control
and say this bitch ass cat
just won't leave you alone.
Bitch has been eating my mail.
Oh, uh, say she has
rabies, foams around her mouth.
That's terrible.
Okay, better idea.
Why don't we just
knock her out
and then get her taxidermied
before she wakes up.
- [chuckles] You're ridiculous.
- Put her on the mantle.
I mean she'll always be there.
Stop it.
Every laugh and [laughs]
huge amounts
of diarrhea air. [gags]
Feline aids.
[laughs]
[coughs and gags] Oh god.
And why
Would I say I'd pick you up
I'm tryin'
But it's gonna
Take some love
This is seriously fucked up
we're driving like this.
- [tires screeching]
- [car engine roaring]
[Lyndsey]
Whoops, you missed the cabin.
Lady, we're
parking in the shade.
Right here.
[bottle clanking]
[Lyndsey]
Jesus, we're early abusing.
- [bottle smashing]
- [soft soothing music]
The sounds of nature.
- Hemingway!
- Sorry, Hemingway.
Just give it.
[security system beeping]
You know, I always forget how
gorgeous real shit is, you know.
It's like seeing all this
life at play together,
it makes you feel so
small and insignificant.
Like, no wonder people out
here always compensate
with race tracks and guns.
It is gorgeous.
This'd be a great place to live.
You are drunkerer than me.
She's an animal.
She deserves this more than
being imprisoned
in my apartment.
It's like she's retired.
The constant threat of
her life, being murdered.
- You think she'll survive?
- of course she will.
There's so many cats out there
for her to hang out with.
There's bobcats
and mountain lions.
Yeah, but what if she's eaten
by a bobcat or mountain lion?
As a human being
with human intelligence,
I would not survive out there.
That's because they have
a different intelligence.
It's cat smarts, they--
let's-- them know Tsunamis
and sense fear and ghosts.
I don't know
if this is a good idea.
Just say some
of your book words for her.
You're so poetic
at being poetic.
[chuckles] I am. Uh--
Book words.
Uh--
- To Hemingway.
- To Hemingway.
You were with us
for 2 1/2 months
and in that time,
you became more than a cat,
but more like a sister
and a friend and a fighter.
Uh, uhm--
Return from whence you came.
You are now free
to move about the cabin.
That was rather determined.
- Oh, look how happy she is.
- [Hemingway purring]
She's so happy.
Hemingway?
Hemingway!
- Oh fuck.
- You-- you killed Hemingway!
What?
Hemingway?
She's alive!
Hemingway, Hemingway!
Where the hell is she going?
[soft soothing music]
Hey, I think this might
be the moment for her.
I think that we should
wait until tomorrow
when the world isn't spinning.
- [bottle clanking]
- Oh, shit.
- Who drank all this?
- [blows]
[hick-up] Just getting my
charger, I'll be back in a second.
[Marc clicking and whistling]
[whispering] Hemingway.
Food, you fuck.
- [keypad beeping]
- [Marc hick-upping]
Hey.
- Hey, I'm having fun today.
- Good.
- How're you doing?
- Tired.
[laughing]
So serious.
- You're so serious.
- I'm not serious.
- You're so serious.
- No.
- You're so serious.
- No, Marc.
- You're so serious.
- Stop it, c'mon.
You know what happens
when you're serious.
- No, no, no, no.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Please stop it, Marc.
- Oh no.
Ooh, it's the piggy
[mumbles] come to town.
- Ooh, no!
- I hate you.
I missed you.
Not tonight.
- And why?
- I'm just not sure.
I just want-- I want you.
I wanna make you feel good.
Fuck.
This is probably the last time
we'll ever see each other.
I said no and that's
something you need to respect.
I do respect that.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Night.
I want you so bad.
I want you so bad.
You should give me a handy.
Babe, [hick-up]
you should give me a handy.
[hick-ups and gags]
- Jesus.
- [Marc gagging]
[spits and gags]
[moans]
Raincheck on the handy.
I think we should
go home tomorrow.
That's cool.
I'm gonna sleep here.
[foreboding music]
[car approaching]
[car door shuts]
Marc?
[voices mumbling]
- Marc.
- I'm sleeping in here tonight
and that is something
you need to respect.
There' someone's coming.
- Do you hear that?
- Fuck.
- What! What?
- Before my grandma died, I told her to haunt me
- if there was an afterlife.
- The fuck?
- I just wanted to know.
- You're an idiot.
I'm an opportunist.
She died two weeks ago
this very night.
[deep boom]
- [door squeaking]
- [alarm beeping]
- [light shattering]
- [Lyndsey] I don't wanna die!
Oh shit! [thuds]
[Lyndsey] Protect me!
Stay the fuck away or
I'll fucking stabs you.
[Lyndsey] Protect me!
I am protecting you!
[Jeff] Is somebody here?
Where is that light?
Oh fuck!
[knife clanking]
Hi, my name is Jeff Pearson. I have a
reservation for this cabin for this weekend.
Hi, Jeff.
Uh, really reserved
here right now.
Okay, why don't
we take a minute,
I'll step outside and then
we'll discuss the matter?
Lyndsey, where's my shirt?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Ren.
- Hi, Gwen.
- No, Ren.
- Ren.
Yeah, it's short for Lauren.
- Lau-ren.
- Efficient.
- Hi.
- Hey, hi.
Right here.
That's the one.
Seriously, no one told Carol?
- I'm sorry?
- Carol, she manages and runs this place
for my grandmother Evelyn.
- Evelyn.
- She's a sweet lady.
You know, she actually guessed
my rising sign over the phone.
- It's Pisces.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry to say
that she passed away.
- [gasps] Oh my god
- I'm so sorry.
Yeah, so the cabin's
not being rented,
so I'll get your money back,
whatever you need.
Oh, of course.
Hey, if there's
anything we can do. Just--
What are we gonna do?
It's just, you know
my ex-girlfriend and I
are here to spread her ashes.
It's kind of
a personal override.
I hope you understand.
[inhales] Hmm.
That's a tough one.
I know. It really
kinda sucks, doesn't it?
- Okay.
- There's a motel over there.
Yeah, we'll just maybe
check out a motel, I suppose.
[Lyndsey] You guys can come in if
you want to while you figure it out.
- Oh, we could-- We shouldn't.
- Oh, is it okay? I'm just a little--
- Just for a minute maybe.
- I could use some water.
- Yeah, some water, sure.
- Just a little cup of water.
- That is so sad.
- Come on in.
- I'm just really parched.
- Come on in.
[Marc] Okay, yeah,
I totally understand.
Thanks for trying. Alright, you
have a good night. Thank you.
Yeah, they're all booked.
They say everybody's booked.
There's a
Citrus Showcase in Visalia.
Oh no.
Oh, app note.
An ad for consumers to be
warned about rising hotel costs
or availability issues
when conventions are in town.
Thank you.
Strike that, thank you.
Thank you so much.
And strike that,
thank you so much. End note.
Uh, we decided
to leave tomorrow.
So if you guys wanna
take the pull-out tonight,
we'll be out of
your hair in the morning.
Oh no, we could never ask that
- and especially not after your loss.
- It's really okay.
I think we're
all just a little bit tired.
- So we can just--
- So why don't we get to bed?
I'll get your bedding.
[soft banjo plucking]
So, you two just let us know
if you need anything.
[Ren] Mmm. [chuckling]
[toilet whooshing]
- What the fuck?
- Jesus, Marc they were in need.
You don't know these people. They
didn't even enter until you invited 'em
like fucking vampires.
They seem like
genuinely nice people.
Exactly, too nice.
Compensating for something.
Like crazy do to party.
- Who do?
- You know,
[Marc] Every party
there's that one guy
that I'm like,
how many drinks has he had?
And everyone's like,
that's Sober Steve.
He's never had
a drink in his life.
Steve Harrigan?
- I love that guy.
- [sighs]
All I'm saying is I'd rather be
gang banged by the entire NBA
than hang out
with him for an hour.
[scoffs] You're an asshole.
[Lyndsey] Oh.
It was nice of you
trying to protect me.
- You know I'll always stab a ghost to death for you.
- [chuckles]
[eerie foreboding music]
[electric vibrating sound]
[scream]
[tinkling]
[monster roaring]
[exhales]
Hey.
- [Lyndsey] Good morning.
- [Jeff] Good morning, Lyndsey.
- [Jeff] I hope you and Marc like blueberry pancakes.
- Shit, shit.
- [Lyndsey] You guys didn't have to do that.
- Shit, shit.
- [Ren] It's the least we could do.
- [Jeff] It's the least we
- could do for you guys letting us stay.
- Shit!
[Jeff] I don't know what we would've done
last night if you guys hadn't offered.
C'mon, Jesus.
[Jeff] You have
to try these pancakes,
and vegan too, for Ren.
Hey, good morning, everybody.
What's everybody cooking?
- I'm on pancake patrol.
- And I'm on toast tribunal.
- [Ren chuckling]
- These ingredients, best of the best.
All locally sourced around SF.
You guys have gotta hear the story
about the lady
who makes this bread.
He made us breakfast,
how nice is that?
Oh, we have reservations at the Quad Cafe.
They're baking omelets.
They're better than friends
and family. [chuckles]
Well, that's quite an accolade,
so we don't wanna intrude.
You know, whatever we don't eat
here, we can save for tomorrow.
- [Ren] Pancakes?
- It's smells so good, I kinda wanna eat at the cabin.
Well, then it's settled.
Quad Cafe is
always gonna be here.
You two can just go the
next time you're in town.
Have some Jeff cakes.
[plates clanking]
Actually, this toast
is pretty good.
[Ren] Told ya, Senora's Bakery.
The lady who makes
these sandwiches--
- Rebecca.
- Don't ruin it.
Senora Rebecca,
she's a brain surgeon.
She got disillusioned
to all the corruption
in western medicine, left
to go find herself in Italy.
I'm sorry, I don't mean
to talk your ears off.
Oh no, that's compelling stuff.
Uhm, you said
San Francisco, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Technology?
As you saw last night,
I-- I develop apps.
I build up a user base,
then I sell 'em off.
Move on to the next.
Google, Facebook.
Are names of companies.
Yeah, those companies,
they'll buy up anything
for like 100,000, 500,000.
They even think
there's a possibility
my apps could compete
with them down the road.
Wow, really?
- Wow.
- Oh yeah, surely you've heard of Plg.
- With the umlaut.
- The umlaut.
It became Facebook Messenger,
so they won't tell you that.
So, what about you,
are you in technology?
No, I'm unemployed.
No, you're an entrepreneur.
Show 'em what you do.
- No.
- Show them what you do.
- C'mon.
- Okay.
Go show 'em.
Okay, you two, Angelinos?
- Mm-hmm.
- I knew it.
You're both prettier
than anyone in SF.
In SF, anyone your age is
either a autistic billionaire
or potbellied, starving writers.
I heard about
this 15 year old kid,
he's worth four billion
because he invented--
I'm a writer.
- Are you a writer?
- Mm-hmm.
That's great.
I think that's great.
Uh, who do you write for?
I am actually working
on a novel right now.
- It's pretty good.
- Oh, huh.
That's a stuffed
animal with a moustache.
- Regal Beasts.
- They are hilarious. [chuckles]
They are.
- Look at him.
- Look at this one.
- He's just make me smile.
- I'm actually talking to a college buddy
about trying
to get these into Target.
- Fuck Target!
- M-hm, well...
Target can be a tad anti-union.
Mr. Rhino would rather be
affiliated with John Wayne Gacy.
Target, John Wayne Gacy
can go either way.
I'll be out back.
[sheets whooshing]
Dude, why the hell?
You know, we're out here,
I thought we'd have some fun, you know.
Redwood Forest, river jump.
Let's get away from
these kind-hearted weirdos
and go have some fun.
I thought we were here to
spread your grandmother's ashes.
She wouldn't want
today to be a sad day.
She'd want it to be a celebration of
life, House of Fudge.
I'll be out back.
[urn clanking]
Fucking cock.
[soft banjo plucking]
[foreboding music]
[Lyndsey] I just about had all
the enjoyment I can handle.
[Ren] We won't be back 'til the evening.
We're going down to Exeter.
Oh, I love Exeter.
We passed it on the way up,
but everything was closed.
Well shucks,
if you two were staying,
I'd ask you
to come along with us.
Boy, do I only wish.
[soft Asian music]
- Too bad.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, no
it sounds like so much fun.
You're right, Marc.
- Well, you two have a safe trip back.
- It'll be fun.
Let's go to Exeter
with our new friends.
No, that's okay.
I know, it's totally
okay with me too.
Um, it's a plan.
["Sweet Maria" by Ben Bostick]
Now that's about the time
that Senora Rebecca,
she settled in a small village
in the bosque prohibida,
which loosely translates
to forbidden forest.
She has a blind mentor,
a panini maker.
He and his family have been making
paninis in the same bodega for 175 years.
- Imagine that.
- What the fuck?
Incredible.
He tells her one day,
"Senora Rebecca,
you don't make paninis with your head.
They're from your heart."
- Jesus, fuck!
- [tires screeching]
Hemingway!
[tires screeching]
[Jeff] I am so sorry, everybody.
A house cat out here.
- Never seen Homeward Bound?
- [Ren] I [mumbles] a fun movie.
[Jeff] I was just getting
to the climax too.
This Genoese baker, he invented
the blending of
two cheeses that rocked
the then
stage sandwich community.
Looked down on the world
And I'd learn
To speak Spanish
We'd eat comida rica
And everything would vanish
That we didn't
Want in our world
Oh Maria,
Dance a little closer
[Jeff] Oh wow, the best [indistinct]
I've ever owned is from here.
Hey guys, stop for a second.
Hang back.
Okay, so Ren and I
were wondering.
Guys, you seem pretty cool,
but are you this cool?
- I'm hip.
- [Jeff] Cool.
Yeah, no this, oh,
this is my friend.
He's one of the original
Haight-Ashburiers.
This guy, 80 years old.
He's still making music
on his organic carrot farm.
Can you believe that?
It's so good.
He doesn't do taxes or anything.
The dude is punk as fuck.
[Jeff]
You know, just a time capsule.
He's from the 60s
and met everybody.
He one time
blew all of Judas Priest.
[Jeff] He loved that band.
Here you go.
Uuuh, square.
I thought you said
you were a writer.
I write literature,
not fish albums.
Too bad you don't
write fish albums,
Come on.
[transcendent Asian music]
[Jeff] Hey, Lyndsey knows
how to party, huh?
- You're so beautiful when you smoke like that.
- Yeah.
You know, the smoke comes
through the windows
and catches the light,
it's really nice.
Phew, I am stoned, you guys.
This is some good shit.
This is Wizard Pubes,
Ah, this is one
of my favorite strains.
I don't know what that was,
but I'm high as fuck.
Attention everyone!
- Lyndsey's high as fuck.
- Shut up!
[clock gonging]
- Eh, hey, you're in my space.
- No, I'm not.
- [Jeff humming]
- [Ren chuckling]
Small towns like this
really jerk themselves off
over having shitty murals.
Street over there
has this mural.
Someone really thought
it was a really good idea
to paint people picking oranges
like it's not the only thing
for 30 miles here.
Well, if you lived here, oranges
would probably mean something to you.
Jesus, those two.
- Oh wait, do it like this?
- Yup.
Ren said they have
a rented cabin schedule.
Jeff takes it around
every other weekend.
I think it's sweet.
Jesus.
Couples like that,
their whole foundation
is based on mediocre activities
so they can brag about them
to other couples.
Yeah, how does a girl like that
get with a guy like him, huh?
Daddy issues, no dad issues,
Stockholm syndrome.
- [train horn bellowing]
[Jeff] Oh, hang on.
[train horn bellowing]
Dummy! I left my phone
- on the counter at the last place
- Oh no.
Hey, grab a drink!
I'll be right there.
- There's a bar here?
- Jeff invented an app, it's like the Armenian Yelp.
Oh well, he could go invent an
app to go fuck himself.
- So you two have been here before?
- I get it. Me and him, right?
- Eh, no--
- Before Jeff, I dated so many deadbeat punks, like so many.
And Jeff was the first person
that was actually like nice.
I get why people get taken back.
- Oh no, I--
- And you know, he's the only one
who's actually
truly undermining the man.
Ripping them off
with those apps like that.
Fuck. Found it.
Can I get four PBRs?
- You got it.
- Thanks.
- Open or closed?
- Open.
Alright.
- What is that?
- Who is that?
It's Mama Napkin Dispenser. It started
out as a joke, you know, then a habit.
Now it's my thing. Some people call me
Googs, which you can do if you want.
[gasps] Oh my god,
the baby's coming!
Everybody, steer clear!
Push, push.
Push, Mama Napkin
Dispenser, push!
[Ren vocalizing]
[gasps] Could it be twins?
Push! You got it, you got it,
You go-- Oh.
Miscarriage?
So, Ren, your Regal Beasts,
do they thematically tell
a man's subconscious desires
to assign human brush strokes
on their surroundings, so
that'll ease their relationship
in an otherwise cold
and animalistic world?
Yes.
- We have a modern Melville.
- Thanks, Marc.
No one's ever called me
a modern marvel, I like it.
- Hey, can we get--
- No I already paid, man.
- I got it.
- No, no, no, no, I got it.
No need to be a hero now.
Thanks, Marcus. Oh Well, I see Ren's
been making us some new friends.
Jeff, Marc called
me a modern marvel.
- Did he now?
- Yeah.
I meant like
a national treasure.
[Ren] I love that movie.
Eh, I mean I know it's a dumb
movie, but it has a good story.
And then--
I just have a Nick Cage thing.
Like I made a--
I made an actual Nick Cage thing
out of pieces of bird's nest
that I found in our garden.
[gasps] You have to hear
the story about this bird.
- It is the sweetest.
- It's a really good story actually.
Hey, speaking of stories, Marc
I've been meaning to ask you.
What is this
novel of yours about?
[Ren] Oh, yeah!
You don't want me
to bore you with that.
- [Ren] Oh please, bore us.
- [Lyndsey] Yeah, come on.
C'mon, it's really good.
Okay, uhm...
Alright, so basically
it's this modern day
morality play
centered on time travel.
Okay, but you don't really know
that it's time travel
until the very end, okay.
So, so, so picture this:
There's basically
this-- this laymen
Texan guy in 1950 suburbia.
He travels back in time
to ancient Alexandria
and-- and it's-- you know,
things get bad like the library.
It's basically a-- a-- a allegory
for our dependency on foreign oil.
- Oh fuck, yeah.
- But like 1970's oil and not signing the Kyoto Protocol.
It's just, uh--
It's really important stuff.
And then what happens?
That's-- that's it.
Well that sounds
very interesting, Marc.
You know I actually have a few
publishing buddies in SF,
I'd love to send it to 'em.
- Oh really?
- Aww, Jeff.
Marc, that's really exciting.
No, it's probably
not their thing.
Well, I have a few
connections at Barra-Collier.
It's more of a
McSweeney's type of thing.
Marc's super
serious about his work.
He's been working
on it for, how long now?
Since before the shoe store,
like three years.
You worked at a shoe store?
He must have more shoes that me.
I doubt that, Ren. Eh, well,
if the artist has a specific vision
he wants to match
to a certain publisher,
I totally understand that.
I wish you all the luck
in the world, Marc.
[sighs] So, what was the last
place you guys travelled to?
Oh we did a soup tour
through Vietnam.
- Incredible.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna use the restroom,
so does anyone need anything?
Just really--
They have got the best soup.
[slapping]
- Oh good day joy.
- [laughing]
Oh good day joy. He's like I don't
know what that is, like a joyride?
- [all laughing]
- [beer trickling]
- Whoa.
- Oh shit, I'm sorry.
- So sorry.
- Okay.
- Here.
- It's alright, it's okay.
It's okay. Well, I had a surprise I
was hoping to save until we got back,
but I should probably unveil it
now before it soaks through.
Ren, my lady,
I thought these were
absolutely perfect for you.
I love you, Jeffypop.
- They're very chic.
- [mumbles] in sunglasses?
And also, uhm, Lyndsey,
I thought you looked
absolutely fantastic in these.
- Aww.
- No, what?
- I, I can't.
- You absolutely can.
- [Ren] Isn't Jeff the best?
- Oh my god, that is so nice.
I don't-- I can't believe it.
Thank you. Marc.
If Marc had seen you in those,
he would've done the same thing.
Lyndsey, you can't take those.
[chuckles] Marc.
Oh they look so good on you.
Lyndsey.
- Marc.
- C'mon now.
What is your problem?
Hey, I'm sorry.
It's just, you know
you guys have been way too kind
to us already, you know, so--
Well, I didn't mean to be too
kind to the point of agitation.
- Apologies are all on me.
- I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
I'm really sorry.
[Lyndsey] At least I get to do
one thing I wanted this weekend.
I'll go with her.
Hey, Linds, wait up.
Hey, we'll catch up with
you girls in a minute.
[sighs] I'm sorry, man. I just--
Things have been on the rocks
lately. It's just--
Hey, we've all been there,
Buds McKenzie.
If I knew this was such a big weekend
for you, I never would've imposed.
But Lyndsey's here now
and she wants to have fun,
so you better find a way to
make it fun for yourself too,
otherwise it's just,
you know poo-poo.
Hey, go to her,
really apologize, okay.
Tell her she looks beautiful in
those earrings, and then-- here.
Why don't you give her this?
It was supposed to be
another gift for Ren,
but she's already
got five just like it.
Girls in their 20s and
woodland creatures, right?
Go live in the woods, ladies.
- [Marc mumbling]
- Hey, hey, be smooth.
Go out there and say, hey.
She turns, huh?
Say...
Your eyes are like rare jade.
- And..?
- And I gotta go to the little boys' room.
Hey, can I close up?
Your stepdad paid for the bill
while you were in the restroom.
How I'm goin'
If I should ever
Meet another stranger
Hey.
[street musician playing]
[train horn bellowing]
Okay, look, I, uhm-- I had this
notion of what this weekend was to me
and I didn't consider
what it meant to you.
That's selfish.
You don't have to accept it,
- but I'm sorry.
- [train horn bellowing]
When we get back to the cabin,
we'll spread the ashes and go home.
I won't fight or anything.
Also, I reacted because
I felt like he one-upped me.
Marc.
Also you're beautiful
in those earrings.
And...
They make
your eyes look like jade...
Which is rare.
Okay, thanks.
[soft guitar strumming]
Oh hey, there's the lovebirds.
Hey.
How's everything?
[Marc] Everything's great.
Okay, alright.
Well, Ren and I wanted to ask,
you know there's some really
cool stuff on the way back.
Would you two wanna take our
time, maybe make a day of it?
[Lyndsey]
Yeah, sounds fun to me.
[Marc] Yeah, I'm okay with that.
It's been days I make my way
On the interstate back home
South from the moment
There's a blood red moon
And a chip on my shoulder
And I know if I'm not
There soon he'll be gone
I [mumbles] grapevine.
[Lyndsey chuckling]
[chattering]
It's a smile.
That's not a smile.
- C'mon really, a big smile.
- Give us a smile.
- Give us a good smile.
- That's pretty good.
And as the long cold
Winter looms ahead
And a coat empty
Sat on my bed
[Ren] I'm still so pissed
about that ignorant farmer
and his Monsanto death oranges.
That guy had no idea what
you were talking about, Ren.
[crickets chirping]
This is such a surreal place
to have in my life.
You know,
the cabin still smells of her.
You know, when I was five,
I saw them cut down that tree.
And apparently it was blocking
the view of the cabin, so...
Then I just remember afterwards
seeing those redwoods,
just these massive lumps
on the top of that peak.
So I was just starting
to get erections.
Alright,
I didn't know what they were.
It's like--
With my dick bone sticking up,
I thought they were these weird
embarrassing medical things.
And-- and I remember
seeing those redwoods
just sticking out
of the mountain
and I just started crying
because those were my dicks.
Just a bunch of my dicks
on that mountain.
And Eve came in. And...
I'm up against the window,
my pants down, crying
and I tell her my dick bone
sticks up, you know. [chuckles]
She says: "That's okay."
She says:
"This is a special place.
And that mountain was like me."
And she kept that going
for so many years.
I was seven years old and I was still
pressing my child dick in that window.
You know. [laughing]
And now they're
only my memories.
And those trees are
only dicks to me now.
I see them too, Marc.
I missed her so much.
You still miss her.
[Marc weeping]
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
You have to say goodbye first.
Hey, sorry I know you wanna
get going by this afternoon.
Guess we had a little too
much fun on the way home.
- [Jeff] So...
- We have a proposal.
Dinner?
[Ren squealing]
Just yet, not yet.
You know, I'm really glad
you two could stay for dinner.
Yeah, you know I never would've
imagined that sharing a small cabin
with two strangers would
be something I would enjoy,
but here I am enjoyed.
- [alarm beeping]
- Okay, gotta hurry.
Alright, cut thin
strips diagonal.
Diagonal. Wait, whoa, whoa.
Okay, diagonal,
otherwise it won't marinate.
There we go.
Wait, a little more lateral.
Bitching, there you go.
Okay.
Ah god,
they are both so gorgeous.
You know if girls were this
pretty when I was your age,
- I would've lost my weight in sperm.
- Thanks.
Hey, you know what?
It's a special occasion.
Hey Ren, could you bring
the bag of enlightenment?
[chuckles]
Hey.
- You're gonna love this.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
[Ren chuckling mischievously]
Here we go.
Ever met Molly before?
Uh.
Mm-hmm.
- And one for you.
- Thank you, my darling.
Lyndsey, do you want some?
I think so.
- [Lyndsey] You like it?
- [Ren] Mm-hmm.
It's absolutely wonderful.
It's like being wrapped
in a blanket of whispers
with the power to touch music.
We wouldn't be able
to drive home tonight.
Please, Marc. [speaks Spanish].
It is my cabin. Uhm--
Ashes tomorrow?
And I promise
it's not that crazy,
wacky, jump-off-a-building
high you think it is.
[hand smacking]
But we're gonna
get fucked up for sure.
[soft transcendental music]
That was
absolutely fantastic, Jeff.
Well the man
of the hour is Marcus.
I've never seen anyone cut
meat quite like him before.
BTW, how are you feeling?
It's so awesome.
There's so many
drug programs, you know.
but you never
hear about love programs.
- You won't see that on the news.
- I can't believe this is the one that's illegal.
- You are right.
- If this is illegal, hot baths should be illegal.
I don't really
get the connection,
but I guess I see the logic.
I really, really
want your hair, Jeff.
It's receding, but it's like
sexy receding like Jude Law.
Lyndsey, you have the spirit
of a much, much older woman.
But I'm sure
you get that all the time.
Ren, I like
how much makeup you wear.
Marc, I have never met someone--
[chuckling]
This is gonna sound weird,
someone so confident
with so few credits.
And I mean that in the best way
you can take that.
It's inspiring.
[loud eerie whimpering]
Oh my god, I killed him.
I'm so sorry.
[Marc] Not to be too
serious for a second,
Uhm, you know, I wasn't really
sure if I liked you guys.
Like [sighs] it's not that
I didn't like-like you guys,
it's just [sighs]
I was just so obsessed
with how this weekend
was supposed to be
and I could not
let go of that control.
And I just have to thank you
for helping me reign that in
and for helping me realize
how fantastic it can be.
To being absolutely fantastic.
To being absolutely fantastic.
- To being absolutely fantastic.
- To being absolutely fantastic.
- [glasses clinking]
- [fire crackling]
[Ren yawning and vocalizing]
I'm coming down hard. Feel like sad
and dying, which meanswait in bed.
- I should too.
- I'm gonna be a few minutes, guys.
Come soon.
- [crickets chirping]
- [frogs croaking]
I have to tell you, Marc. Ren
and I are gonna miss this place.
Yeah, I really hope that one day
I can travel
like the two of you do.
Ah, it's okay.
[scoffs] Really hope
I can give that to Lyndsey.
Well, you realize, Marc
that you never have as much fun
as what you have in your 20s.
What, shoes and debt?
- Hm.
- [owl hooting]
You know,
I dropped out of high school,
started a successful business.
Sounds cool, but you know I'll
always have this feeling like
you know, wondering, like
maybe I missed out
on some of that
normal stuff people do.
I never went to prom.
[Marc] Prom is dumb.
Still, I'll never know.
When you get older,
you just, you know you realize
man, if I had slowed down, just
enjoyed it a little bit more.
I probably would've still got
to where I was going anyway.
You know that's
if it all works out.
Hey, Marc I am serious
about that novel, okay.
My buddy's always
looking for new stuff.
I honestly-- I have no idea
what yours is about.
Maybe that's a good thing.
I can't ask that of you.
You're a good guy, Marc.
I wanna help, okay.
Please let me help, here.
When are you not
the most generous person?
I have my days.
You should've
seen me on Tuesday.
You would not have wanted
to be around this, mister.
You know when-- when we spread
Evelyn's ashes tomorrow,
I want you and Ren to be there.
[soft somber music]
Hey, you.
I had fun today.
It felt good.
I don't know if it's
the MDMA in my system,
but looking in your eyes
I will do anything for you.
I will always protect you.
I would destroy peoples for you.
[romantic piano music]
- Take it. Take it.
- [Jeff] You like that? Huh?
If you didn't like it,
then choke me.
- [moans] Wait, choke me back.
- Take it!
[somber piano music]
- [foreboding music]
- [eerie screaming]
Evelyn!
- [crows cawing]
- [grass rustling]
[loud boom]
[baby whining]
[loud boom]
[gasps] Oh fuck.
Jesus Christ, grandma.
When did you get
so fucking nefarious?
What's the word
[gasps] There he is!
There's our sleepy Samuel
Simmons Sir. [laughs]
I did not mean to sleep so late.
I know, but Lyndsey
said you looked so cute
like a sleeping animal,
like a sleeping puppy.
And she didn't wanna wake you up or something.
You were like [yapping] like that.
- It was so cute.
- Where is Lyndsey?
[chuckles] She and Jeff
decided to kill their hangovers
- by snacking on some Adderall and going fishing.
- Nice.
See, personally I don't really
like murdering an animal's life.
So I decided to stay at
home and see what happens
when I mix sewing and Adderall
and Modafinil altogether.
I have made 50 animals!
Fuck, that's a lot of animals!
- Ren, is this yours?
- Nope. [laughs]
You know what happened? So, that little
stick fell out from underneath bed couch
when me and Jeff were in bed
together or sleeping together.
No, we were in bed together.
It's the weirdest thing, uhm--
Do you remember my grandmother
that I was telling you about?
- [Ren] Yup.
- Yeah, during her last year,
she tried all these
new age cures and...
They keep on
popping up everywhere.
[gasps] I didn't
tell you this story.
[foreboding music]
Okay, when I
used to be a driver--
- A commercial driver?
- No.
Shh, quiet. I was like 17
and my aunt Kathleen
Robins was on her deathbed.
I didn't have a father figure
growing up, or a father
and she was the closest thing.
But then because her insurance
wouldn't approve her operation,
she was...
Just...
Gone, you know.
[heart monitor beeping]
I'd never felt
so horrible in my life.
How could the world be so cruel?
But then, it hit me.
[foreboding music]
Everything was going to be okay.
Her last name was Robins!
- There were robins?
- The bird!
The bird was a robin?
I don't know birds, but yes!
I know it was a sign that
even though she had passed,
she was in a better place and
she wanted me to know, you know.
I don't know, I think
mine might mean more.
Um, okay.
You might wanna wash that
and your hands
and the table it's on.
Last night it was
in one of our butts.
[soft guitar strumming]
Where are you, you
[mumbles] motherfucker?
Holy shit, she caught a fish.
That's so sad.
Good for her!
She's really happy.
[punk music]
[bangs] People do not even
begin to appreciate the effort
that it takes to sew in a
perfectly-level moustache.
Nepotist spoiled trash!
Brewer's blackbird,
bitch please.
[punk music]
And I wake up late at night
just wanna do
Hangin' with a girl
who's just like me
Just like me
Just like me
[Ren bangs]
Fucking fiddlesticks!
How is it possible that I
have an odd number of buttons?
Rosa must be stealing again,
that cunt!
I mean cunt in like the feminist way
because it means she's a Roman goddess,
but she was the goddess of war. And since the
patriarchy's taken over every feminist word,
they've taken over the word
cunt as if it's a bad thing.
But actually it means strength,
so Rosa's actually
kind of a nice person.
- Hey, guys!
- Marc! You're never gonna believe what happened.
- Lyndsey, she caught--
- I caught a fish!
You spoiled it.
Hey, mister.
I really like [mumbles].
- Are we still heading out today?
- Out? Lyndsey has to prepare this wonderful dinner.
Tomorrow's Labor Day, which is ironic. It
should be called non-Labor Day. That's fun.
- Lyndsey.
- I thought we were here
- to spread my grandma's ashes.
- Lyndsey.
Lyndsey, have you
ever fileted fish?
- No way.
- Well, you're so good at other stuff,
I have no doubt you'll
be fantastic at that too.
- [Lyndsey giggling]
- [Jeff laughing sarcastically]
[Ren] So do you think
if I start smoking now,
I'll be able to balance
other stimulants
and get sleep
in the next 78 hours?
Only one way to find out.
Counter clockwise.
- Does it matter?
- Yeah, here you go.
If you go counter clockwise,
oval once, okay.
Otherwise your dish
won't be as beloved
- as if it were poo-poo flavored.
- Got it.
I win. [coughs]
And I never win at this.
- You're not very good at this.
- Sorry.
I had four in the row
in the bottom... row.
[pot clanking]
Shoot.
Ren, did you pack
the olive oil from Ricardo's?
I know I did. I think I did.
- It's in the bags.
- Maybe there's a substitute.
[Ren] Did I mess up?
That's your favorite oil.
This is not happening. [sighs]
Okay, well, this can't
be prepared without oil.
And if I leave this stuff,
it's gonna fry.
Marc, could you run into
town and pick some up?
It would mean the world.
I'm a little drunk and high.
Normally I'm all for
being about the influence,
but it's a private road
and you're totally a boss, okay.
I can't send Ren,
she doesn't drive.
Killed a squirrel in 2011.
Never again.
Marc?
I don't really know
the directions to the market.
- Ren knows, so you guys can be a pick-up team.
- Oh my god when we and Jeff
go to the market, we pretend we're
in the Italian Job. It's so much fun.
We're in the forest You could pretend
you're on an indoor speeder bike.
[soft rock music]
I'll go get my keys.
- [Jeff] Thanks so much, buddy.
- Marc's the best.
- [Jeff] Hey, now that is looking good. See?
- [Lyndsey] Mm-hmm.
- Counter clockwise.
- It does make a difference.
[Jeff] Gingerly with vigor,
that's how I do it.
Now don't show me up over there.
- [chuckles] I'll try.
- I don't want you to make me look bad.
[snaps] Let's get out of Dodge.
Just need one or two hits.
Okay so Ricardo's Olive Oil
is Jeff's favorite olive oil
because Rick the founder
was the first person
to try pressing olives
after the pimento was put in.
I mean I just wish I could
follow my dreams like that.
I mean sometimes I just don't know
how real artists do that, you know
like Ricardo started going by Ricardo
after he started making the oil.
[Ren] Isn't That crazy? Because he defied
his high school guidance counsellor,
he's now the top-rated
olive oil maker in the world.
Doesn't that make
you just explode?
[Marc] Yeah, Uh--
I forgot my wallet.
Oh good,
could've used one or two hits.
Two hitsssss...
Two hitsss...
Do you think
there are snakes here?
Do you ever think about how
when snakes with that [hisses],
they're probably
like actually singing?
[guitar strumming]
Marc, you're driving slow.
Oh, [moans] cool.
What are you-- Forget it.
It's a yin yang,
it's all about balance.
Like I try to have
a balance in my life,
like I'm trying to do with
amphetamines and weed right now.
- I'll go.
- No, stay.
- It would just be easy--
- Stay.
[high pitch tone]
[door squeaks]
[tense music]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, forgot my wallet.
- [Lyndsey] Haven't seen it.
- That's a world record.
- Yeah, just forgot my wallet.
- Haven't seen it.
I'd let that simmer
just a bit longer.
Looks good.
[Ren whistling]
How'd it go?
"It go?"
Do you even hear
yourself sometimes?
Well, I kind of have to 'cause our mouths
are close to our ears, like yours is--
Is yours closer than this?
What the fuck
is this hick ass shit?
Nice shirt, man. I like those
buttons. It's gonna be 3.59.
Hey, what's your skank doing?
Say, what the fuck
are you doing?
What the fuck is this?
I don't know, she doesn't know what
she's doing. Okay, I'll buy it.
- Doesn't know what she's doing?
- Look, I said I'll buy it, okay.
Doesn't know what she's doing.
What kinda dumb spunk hole
doesn't know fucking up
somebody else's property?
Listen, man, listen. Okay, I
get it. We're on the same page.
And I get it, you wanna solve
problems by being all angry
and being what this hick
town thinks what a man is,
but you never call a woman a
spunk hole, you understand me?
What type of faggot we got here?
The kind that didn't move when
you stepped closer to him.
[fist bashing]
I cannot believe that guy
used the word faggot
and he used violence?
It's 2015, people. Wake up.
- Ren--
- It's not my fault that guy didn't understand my googles.
I'm sorry we live in
this sad, unfair world
and all I wanna do is spread a little
bit of joy when people least expect it.
Well, your little bit of joy
has blood coming out of my nose.
You know what I noticed? There wasn't a
single organic or vegan thing in that place.
That guy was like Hitler II.
Do you realize that you eat
organic and vegan
to stay healthy,
but you constantly drink
alcohol which is a known poison?
Okay, alcohol's
not like a poison-poison.
Molly, amphetamines.
You're constantly putting
shit in your body.
It's poison.
Sorry?
You're dumb.
- What?
- I said, you're dumb.
I mean, Ren is a dumb name.
The only reason
guys like your googles
is because
they think you're easy.
The only reason
Jeff likes your googles
is because you're fucking him.
Pull over.
I said, pull over.
I said, pull over!
[sighs]
Hey, hey, look at me.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm an asshole. Okay?
I like your Regal Beasts,
I think they're cool.
That was your apology?
You lack any kind of empathy.
All you're looking
out for is yourself
and how you
imagine the world to be.
This is how I apologize.
This is my apology voice, okay.
- I'm sorry!
- It feels like you're still yelling at me
- while you're apologizing.
- Cause I'm in a bad mood!
I'm sorry.
You don't even know me.
You know.
You judge people so hard,
it's exhausting.
No wonder Lyndsey doesn't
wanna be with you, you know.
Well, I think now
you owe me an apology.
You're a dick.
Here they are.
Just in time to save the day.
Quality olive oil. [mumbles]
[tribal drumming]
[Jeff] Ren?
[tribal drumming]
Fuck.
[tribal drumming]
[blood trickling]
Hey, is there an
ice pack in the fridge?
[sighs]
You think Regal Beasts
are stupid too?
No.
Marc, can we step
outside for a second?
[door slamming]
Okay, uhm, I just wanna
say I'm sorry 'cause--
[Jeff mumbling]
No, I'm sorry, Marc.
I'm sorry,
but you are an asshole!
Yes, OK, yes, I am an asshole.
Who the frick are you to crush
another person's dreams, huh?
Okay, I said I'm so--
- Lyndsey.
- You're lucky they're watching,
otherwise I'd beat
you to a bloody pulp!
Uh-- Do-- Yeah? Did she tell
you about my nose
- in the convenience store?
- No!
Lyndsey, we should go, okay.
No, Marc, she's gonna
stay and enjoy the meal
she worked so hard to prepare!
- Lyndsey.
- Until then,
take a hike, mister!
[soft foreboding music]
Lyndsey deserves
better than you, Marc.
You can't poo-poo everyone else's
happiness just because you hate yourself
for being a pathetic
27 year old potbellied writer!
[Marc]
Looking into Lyndsey's eyes,
I always think of
the probabilities
of everything that
brought us together.
The probability of being born, the probability
of being born in same era of geography,
of vicinity, of fucking health
packs around
by the absence of disaster
in the simple luck of gravity.
In the crime of all
those equations fused.
You came along to me.
My blood sings with
those impossibilities
and in all that math, I fucked
it, multiplied it by zero.
Can't you see your grudge is nothing
compared to being nothing forever.
Now you only see me with hate.
That hate
and pity is worth sharing
those last remainders before--
before for forever.
[river trickling]
I really should've shit
when we got back.
Wait, no.
Hemingway?
Hemingway.
Where did you go,
you piece of shit?
[soft somber music]
[Jeff] It's really good.
Everything came out
really well, Lyndsey.
You should be proud.
Uhm, there is an obvious
unease in the air
that's effecting tonight
and I should blame myself.
I was too harsh on him.
I shouldn't have said anything.
'Course you should.
I got heated and, you know
I'm gonna fix up a plate,
and go out and see if I can find him.
Oh, Marc
we were just talking about you.
I was saying
that I owe you an apology.
I just was out of line and it's
just out of character for me.
[clanking]
[Marc] Jeff, can you explain to
me why that bottle of olive oil
made by the best
presser in the world
that defied his high
school guidance counsellor
was in the middle
of the fucking woods?
- I-- Marc, I--
- What's going on?
- I don't know.
- Ooh, I think you do.
I think you were distracting us
while you were filling Lyndsey
- with your body weight in sperm.
- Marc!
- [marc] That's his words.
- What?
- What?
- Out of context.
Body weight in sperm
can be put into context?
I saw you guys at the dock!
- Fishing?
- Fishing.
Fishing in her mouth!
Marc!
Okay, Marc, where did you find
this bottle of olive oil?
I found it at the bottom
of a cliff in a bush.
Nature's camouflage.
[Ren gasps] No!
Yeah, because if you noticed
the cliff is adjacent to
where we parked the car.
[banging] I found this
in the bottom of a cliff
in a fucking bush, you asshole!
Don't fucking lie to me!
I have absolutely no idea
how that got there.
Listen, the parking area
has a slope to it.
There's a grade
that leads to a hill
and that hill
leads down to the cliff.
Oh, logic here.
Okay, so say when we were
bringing our things in,
it was dark out. This bottle drops out
and goes rolling off without noticing,
so, it's that simple.
No, fuck no!
Fuck, no!
You were fucking Lyndsey!
Your grandmother actually
warned me about that.
She said, "Be careful
about unpacking things
near the hill
that go to the cliff."
Fuck [mumbles].
You were fucking Lyndsey.
Marc, I would never.
[punk music]
[birds chirping]
Huh, now would ya look at that.
Yeah, that's
a Brewer's blackbird.
I'm offended that you would--
I'm sorry,
but that's inappropriate.
I'm a terrible human being.
I want to die.
No, don't.
Don't, okay?
I love you so fucking much.
That's why I brought you
here, to win you back
because I can't imagine
my life without you.
I fucked up.
I don't deserve you.
I am a terrible person.
You're not a terrible person.
I...
I had sex with Jeff.
- What?
- What?
I saw the recipe on the counter and
I threw the bottle over the cliff.
What the fuck, why?
Why?
Fucking why?
Because I wanted to.
Because he treats me nicely
and he asks me questions.
And-- and they're
in an open relationship
and especially because
he loves my wide vagina.
So you found your bottle,
who gives a shit?
We're not together.
You even walked in on us
while we were fucking
and you were too
self-absorbed to notice.
[foreboding music]
[Marc] Hey, forgot my wallet.
Haven't seen it.
That was a world record.
[Jeff] Forgot my wallet.
Oh, haven't seen it.
I'd let that simmer
just a big longer.
[clears throat]
Open relationship?
I may have mentioned
that you once
suggested an open relationship.
[Ren] You're the one
who said no to it.
Aren't you always
saying that relationships
- are primitive institutions?
- No, no I do not!
I said,
"The idea of a nuclear family
is primitive," you fuck!
Yeah, I read your shitty thesis.
Jesus Christ.
We had sex 12 hours ago.
[Ren] Oh, oh what is
this double standard?
You're mad at Lyndsey,
but you're not mad at Jeff
who did the exact same thing?
Because I haven't been fucking
Jeff for five years, Ren!
[Ren] Well you're
fucking lucky you didn't!
It's fucking terrible.
I am out.
I'm not even packing my bags.
Oh, you're out?
Okay, hey, guys guess how
Marc's novel starts off?
There's seriously a scene
where pigs are eating pearls!
[laughs sarcastically]
How clever!
Pigs eating pearls!
- Pigs eating pearls?
- Pearls before swine, Ren.
Jesus fucking Christ!
[foreboding drumming]
Fuck.
These are my grandma's ashes
that I was supposed to spread!
Well shine up
in the night sky, diva!
[urn crashing]
- Everybody, fuck you!
- Fuck you!
You're your biggest problem, you know.
You do this to yourself, you know.
This is your fucking fault!
You're not talented enough
to be this shitty of a person!
Fine, go!
Good fucking riddance,
you self-centered asshole!
[sobs]
- Jeff, are you--
- Not now.
Great.
You lied to me.
I'll drop you off at the Visalia
Train Station in the morning.
Did you have a cat,
a fun doggie?
We let it go.
I'm sorry?
When we got here, we let her go
so she could
live free in the wild.
A house cat?
[scoffs]
That--
That's terrible.
That's the most selfish thing
I've ever heard.
[drumming]
[cell phone buzzing]
[cell phone buzzing]
[frogs croaking]
[car approaching]
[preacher] Jesus took
the needle out of my arm.
[static buzzing]
[preacher] Can you imagine those
police officers and Jesus took--
[tires screeching]
[footsteps]
[soft foreboding music]
[intense tribal drumming]
I'm a horrible,
fucked up person.
You aren't the fuck up.
- You find that today?
- I love you.
I wouldn't want this.
Lyndsey, I love you.
You love us.
You don't love me.
I don't know
if you really even know me.
Now we're just convenient.
The fear of emptiness of
searching for something new
because I know I'll
never find anyone like you.
[Marc] If they just hadn't
come this weekend.
[ominous music]
[scoffs]
After all this,
are you that fucking crazy?
Marc, you can't control people.
All you can do is be nice
and hope that people see
something in you back.
I'm sorry.
[Hemingway vocalizing]
You're taking the cat!
[energetic electro music]
- Hey.
- Hey, you.
[Sandra]
No, I've never heard of that.
You've never
read anything by Rushdie?
So you're here by yourself?
I... Yes.
Alright, so you've never
heard the song Common People?
[woman] Wait, do you
go to college here?
- [lamp rattling]
- [Sandra moaning]
- I need your hand to do something to me.
- Okay.
- Marc, I'll tell you what.
- Okay.
- Marc, I really need you to do something to me.
- Okay.
I can't tell you.
Just what?
Don't do it.
No, don't do it.
Don't stop.
Stop, don't.
Don't do it, don't do it.
Don't, don't, don't.
No. [moans]
Oh god! Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh, yes. [pants]
Okay.
[moans]
[moans]
[chuckles]
Not tonight.
[sighs]
[eerie buzzing]
[scream]
[muted speech]
- [ominous piano music]
- [geese squawking]
- Evelyn?
- [car horn honking]
[tires screeching]
[unsettling sound]
- [baby whining]
- [wind chimes chiming]
Grandma, what is this?
What does it mean?
- [unsettling sound]
- [baby whining]
What the fuck?
[Marc breathing heavily]
[Sandra] Can you get me water?
[intense tribal drumming]
I will fucking find something!
Ow! [growls]
Oh, of fucking course!
[intense tribal drumming]
[breathing heavily]
- [sunroof whirring]
- [wind chimes chiming]
[bottles jingles]
- Marc.
- Hey.
Uhm, it's kinda dumb of me
to surprise you like this,
but, uh, do you have
time to just sit and talk?
Yeah 'course I can do that,
but you could've
called, you know.
You know I have
Dungeon Master on Mondays.
- I know.
- [car door slams]
I need to be a better friend.
I need to let people be happy.
I need to let people go.
I need to stop being
so controlling, I think.
I need to not let
domestic animals free.
It's been a crazy
couple of days, man.
- If you're busy--
- The Parliament of Shadows
will live
if I push back an hour.
- Where do you wanna go?
- Uhm.
I don't know, wherever-- Wherever
we can get more beer maybe.
- [seagulls squawking]
- [waves crashing]
This is from your grandmother.
I used to drive her to
appointments all the time
and she must
have stuck it in then.
I found hidden boxes and
boxes of similar manifestos
while cleaning out her house.
There's probably a dozen
left in the house somewhere.
"New World Order:
Dicksucking ducks."
My family new she was
eccentric and spiritual,
but she never let on that.
[friend] French press your cunt.
You know what's funny?
Something that...
fills one's life
with so much meaning...
that it's their
own special dogma
that they can see so vividly
doesn't exist
to the next person.
It's trash to everyone else.
Like some dumb bird in a garage.
Where's the bird
in the garage thing?
- [paper crumpling]
- [soft soothing music]
So, those dreams.
What were they?
I've seen a lot in them.
They didn't mean a thing.
[crickets and birds chirping]
[vacuum humming]
[urn clanking]
[ashes whooshing]
[lively rock music]
[singer vocalizing]
We keep movin', movin'
Through cities
Blue and white
We keep running, running
From that awful night
She looks at me
And then the repeats
And the [indistinct]
Will apply
Their home's at an angle
Risking their lives, yeah
And love
Is just an ending
Until you go
So let's go
And love
Is just an ending
[song continues]
[soft serene music]
[Marc] Jesus, look at her.
Red sweetened hair,
soft Roman nose.
Green eyes, vast pupils.
Black plates wide like
she wants to see more
of this world than anyone else.
Sitting still, she's effecting.
Lyndsey, after five years, I--
I have to piss.
Pull over at the next Exit.
Lyndsey, I still swell
as if I'm seeing your beauty
for the very first time.
- For fuck's sake, Marc.
- Where?
- Anywhere.
- Where?
- Anywhere!
- I want to find you
- a good place to piss.
I care. -Here. Now.
- [tires screeching]
- Here? -Here.
Lyndsey.
Lyndsey. Lyndsey.
[urine trickling]
Jesus Christ.
Can't you see
I'm still crazy about you?
[rhythmic retro music]
Your step's grace and skirt's
sway were infatuating.
Potent, like longing
somehow for a connection
that hadn't yet existed.
I'm glad we eventually dated,
otherwise it would have actually
been really fucking creepy.
I'm in love.
You know that's just dopamine.
[Marc] Rush B was infallible,
different class in opus.
Orange September afternoons
make you feel ephemeral.
- No, don't do that.
- I would make cookies without the intention
of baking cookies.
[chuckles] Where have you been?
[cell phone vibrating]
This is the worse
first date ever.
- Calm down.
- [door squeaking]
Wait, is that
an indoor wind chime?
[mystical music]
Why didn't you
call Helen to help?
You have a nurse exactly
for emergencies like this.
We have talked
about Big Pharma before.
This hurts so bad.
How, just how?
[Evelyn] Who is this?
[mystical music]
I don't think I've seen anyone
with such a chakra
so bright, green.
[phone ringing tone]
Uhm, I'm Lyndsey.
Uhm, here.
Oh, oh, ouch.
- Okay Marc, a knife
- Uh, yeah.
Her dress is just like
caught on the hinge.
I can get this in there
and then we unhook it.
If you'll just take
a deep breath in.
[Evelyn breaths in]
And let it out.
- [cutting sound]
- Oh, oh.
- [Evelyn] Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
- [Lyndsey chuckling]
- Thank you.
I did the same thing on my
passenger car door once,
except not my boob.
She's an angel, a green angel.
[soft rock music]
[Marc] That first time
in your apartment,
the look was penetrating.
I thought you were my key
[Marc] Feeling the phantom
vibrations between us.
I wondered if you felt them too.
Be anyone for me
In Annerdale
In Annerdale
In Annerdale
[electronic beeping]
I knew post-college wouldn't
match my idealities,
but I never
expected to come home
to find that I've been replaced.
[rhythmic techno music]
What the fuck?
You broke up with her
because she got a cat?
- Who are you, Hitler?
- [Lyndsey] We'll make it work.
Stop being such an asshole.
You're gonna have this
pet for like 12 years.
- You didn't think about running it by me?
- I didn't run it by you because
you're a controlling asshole
and you would've said no!
People get pets because
they're trying to fulfil
some lonely, unfulfilled
void in themselves.
And I found out that I am not
fulfilling a void in Lyndsey.
This is worse than if she cheated
on me because that I can handle,
that is instant gratification.
That cat
is like a vibrator for her soul.
[siren wailing]
[Marc yelling]
- You know, you can still get her back.
- Nope, nope, no.
No, you know how you have
that one thing that you
wanna just say, but you
hold onto it for ammunition?
We're done.
You know,
for the break up moment?
Oh yeah? Well, you know
why I can't ever cum
because you have a wide vagina.
Yeah, she is gone.
Girls say they want honesty
until you give 'em honesty.
You always leave out
the last part of the story
- where you're an asshole.
- Asshole?
She got a fucking cat!
[soft guitar strumming]
The first three days of
break up: Liberation.
You can discover
that true person
with all the things
the last didn't have.
Three days later,
you keep rubbing one out
to find serotonin
deep in your spine
to maintain some level of joy.
Do sperm know they're dying?
Is it genocide?
Do they confide as brothers
in their last moments?
Two silent months pass.
She was gone.
But then.
[pastor] Here today to
seek and receive comfort.
We would be less than
honest if we said that
in our hearts, have not
guilt over the situation.
We are not too proud
to acknowledge that
we've come here
today trusting that God
will minister to our hearts.
Give us strength
as we partake in.
[man whispering]
[pastor] It is our human nature
to want to understand
everything now.
Trust requires that we were
[mumbles] rely heavily on God.
- [muffled crosstalk]
- [man] Excuse me, gentlemen.
Lyndsey, I told Marc
not to come.
[door slamming]
[muffled]
But try positive reinforcement.
Five years
and you couldn't come?
- I told you I don't wanna see you.
- [cat meowing]
Shut the fuck up.
No that isn't. [gasps]
Oh my god,
why would you bring that here?
[door slamming]
I'm sorry, Marc. I really am.
I wanted to be there for you.
[Marc] She asked for you
in her last weeks.
I don't know if it was
dementia or the meds,
but she asked for you.
I thought they'd be more time.
[Marc] She wanted us to
spread her ashes up north.
You didn't tell her?
She was dying, I couldn't.
She talked all the time about
how I used to take you there
and her dad buying the place.
How she used to take me there.
It's where she wants to be.
I'm really sorry
to change the subject,
but can you get
Evelyn out of my room
before I piss my vagina.
I'm going
to Daniel's birthday dinner.
I should probably get ready.
You guys have to see
the cutest dog out here.
Lyndsey, I need you for this.
[Lyndsey gasping]
We'll go up on Friday.
- I'll think about it.
- We're going on Friday.
- Marc!
- You don't have to
be nice to me or talk to me.
It's just you meant
a lot to her, okay.
No matter what her logic was.
Okay, one day.
It's a holiday weekend.
Do it and then
head back, one day.
One full day
excluding driving time?
[sighs] For fuck's sake.
Is that a yes?
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not proud of this.
It was the only way
I could save us.
To remind her why we're great.
The cabin is where
she first said she loved me
and it can be that place again.
[soft rock music]
See the redhead woman
With her only daughter
See the only son
With his only father
[Marc] It is amazing.
After five years,
we can drive hours
and still find
new things to talk about.
We've talked about this before.
Haven't talked about
talking about it.
No electric bed
The kids are crying
I forgot about Exeter.
God, I love Exeter.
I really wanna
get to this winery
before it closes
at four or five.
I can't tell because
their website looks like
Netscape forgot to pull out a--
- Winery?
- You had your first legal drink there.
Oh yeah?
Oh yeah.
We'll hit up Exeter
after the winery, okay?
Then we'll do all that cute
boutiqueing and antiquing then.
Jesus save the only
Friend he never had
[Marc] Whoa, hey, hey, hey.
Stop, stop, stop it.
Sorry, just closed.
But we open
tomorrow at 10.00 a.m.
10.00 a.m. wine?
What am I, a hobo?
Again, really sorry, sir.
Look, we drove all
the way from Washington.
We're just passing through.
Look, I'm really sorry.
My family comes here once a year. You
know, uhm. My sister was proposed to here.
- I never heard about that.
- Yeah,
and she even
conceived here after
in her car in the parking lot.
They named her son Haxton
because that is how special
of a place this is.
Geez, I built this
shithole with my own hands
and it doesn't mean that much.
Look, I don't have
time for a tasting,
but I guess
I could sell a few bottles.
That's it?
[soft country strumming]
[Hemingway meowing loudly]
Might be the most beautiful
I have ever seen it.
Sorry that everything
was closed in Exeter.
I forget that
small towns close early.
[wine trickling]
[Hemingway meowing]
[crow cawing]
[Hemingway meowing]
Ah, that is some good wine.
What is that smell?
Hemingway diarrheaed
in her cage again.
Your faith
Is a road map to the...
[Hemingway meowing]
I don't understand how it
can still smell this bad.
You know When it's off,
it's like we're
basking in the smell of it.
If it's on, it's just
diarrhea air in my face.
What's the process for
freeing oneself of an animal?
Okay.
Just looking at Hemingway
makes me so sorry
and my apartment
just smells like--
I'm terrible. Fuck.
Yeah, you're not terrible.
- You're eccentric.
- Great.
Okay, just put
Hemingway on your doorstep
and call animal control
and say this bitch ass cat
just won't leave you alone.
Bitch has been eating my mail.
Oh, uh, say she has
rabies, foams around her mouth.
That's terrible.
Okay, better idea.
Why don't we just
knock her out
and then get her taxidermied
before she wakes up.
- [chuckles] You're ridiculous.
- Put her on the mantle.
I mean she'll always be there.
Stop it.
Every laugh and [laughs]
huge amounts
of diarrhea air. [gags]
Feline aids.
[laughs]
[coughs and gags] Oh god.
And why
Would I say I'd pick you up
I'm tryin'
But it's gonna
Take some love
This is seriously fucked up
we're driving like this.
- [tires screeching]
- [car engine roaring]
[Lyndsey]
Whoops, you missed the cabin.
Lady, we're
parking in the shade.
Right here.
[bottle clanking]
[Lyndsey]
Jesus, we're early abusing.
- [bottle smashing]
- [soft soothing music]
The sounds of nature.
- Hemingway!
- Sorry, Hemingway.
Just give it.
[security system beeping]
You know, I always forget how
gorgeous real shit is, you know.
It's like seeing all this
life at play together,
it makes you feel so
small and insignificant.
Like, no wonder people out
here always compensate
with race tracks and guns.
It is gorgeous.
This'd be a great place to live.
You are drunkerer than me.
She's an animal.
She deserves this more than
being imprisoned
in my apartment.
It's like she's retired.
The constant threat of
her life, being murdered.
- You think she'll survive?
- of course she will.
There's so many cats out there
for her to hang out with.
There's bobcats
and mountain lions.
Yeah, but what if she's eaten
by a bobcat or mountain lion?
As a human being
with human intelligence,
I would not survive out there.
That's because they have
a different intelligence.
It's cat smarts, they--
let's-- them know Tsunamis
and sense fear and ghosts.
I don't know
if this is a good idea.
Just say some
of your book words for her.
You're so poetic
at being poetic.
[chuckles] I am. Uh--
Book words.
Uh--
- To Hemingway.
- To Hemingway.
You were with us
for 2 1/2 months
and in that time,
you became more than a cat,
but more like a sister
and a friend and a fighter.
Uh, uhm--
Return from whence you came.
You are now free
to move about the cabin.
That was rather determined.
- Oh, look how happy she is.
- [Hemingway purring]
She's so happy.
Hemingway?
Hemingway!
- Oh fuck.
- You-- you killed Hemingway!
What?
Hemingway?
She's alive!
Hemingway, Hemingway!
Where the hell is she going?
[soft soothing music]
Hey, I think this might
be the moment for her.
I think that we should
wait until tomorrow
when the world isn't spinning.
- [bottle clanking]
- Oh, shit.
- Who drank all this?
- [blows]
[hick-up] Just getting my
charger, I'll be back in a second.
[Marc clicking and whistling]
[whispering] Hemingway.
Food, you fuck.
- [keypad beeping]
- [Marc hick-upping]
Hey.
- Hey, I'm having fun today.
- Good.
- How're you doing?
- Tired.
[laughing]
So serious.
- You're so serious.
- I'm not serious.
- You're so serious.
- No.
- You're so serious.
- No, Marc.
- You're so serious.
- Stop it, c'mon.
You know what happens
when you're serious.
- No, no, no, no.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Please stop it, Marc.
- Oh no.
Ooh, it's the piggy
[mumbles] come to town.
- Ooh, no!
- I hate you.
I missed you.
Not tonight.
- And why?
- I'm just not sure.
I just want-- I want you.
I wanna make you feel good.
Fuck.
This is probably the last time
we'll ever see each other.
I said no and that's
something you need to respect.
I do respect that.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Night.
I want you so bad.
I want you so bad.
You should give me a handy.
Babe, [hick-up]
you should give me a handy.
[hick-ups and gags]
- Jesus.
- [Marc gagging]
[spits and gags]
[moans]
Raincheck on the handy.
I think we should
go home tomorrow.
That's cool.
I'm gonna sleep here.
[foreboding music]
[car approaching]
[car door shuts]
Marc?
[voices mumbling]
- Marc.
- I'm sleeping in here tonight
and that is something
you need to respect.
There' someone's coming.
- Do you hear that?
- Fuck.
- What! What?
- Before my grandma died, I told her to haunt me
- if there was an afterlife.
- The fuck?
- I just wanted to know.
- You're an idiot.
I'm an opportunist.
She died two weeks ago
this very night.
[deep boom]
- [door squeaking]
- [alarm beeping]
- [light shattering]
- [Lyndsey] I don't wanna die!
Oh shit! [thuds]
[Lyndsey] Protect me!
Stay the fuck away or
I'll fucking stabs you.
[Lyndsey] Protect me!
I am protecting you!
[Jeff] Is somebody here?
Where is that light?
Oh fuck!
[knife clanking]
Hi, my name is Jeff Pearson. I have a
reservation for this cabin for this weekend.
Hi, Jeff.
Uh, really reserved
here right now.
Okay, why don't
we take a minute,
I'll step outside and then
we'll discuss the matter?
Lyndsey, where's my shirt?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Ren.
- Hi, Gwen.
- No, Ren.
- Ren.
Yeah, it's short for Lauren.
- Lau-ren.
- Efficient.
- Hi.
- Hey, hi.
Right here.
That's the one.
Seriously, no one told Carol?
- I'm sorry?
- Carol, she manages and runs this place
for my grandmother Evelyn.
- Evelyn.
- She's a sweet lady.
You know, she actually guessed
my rising sign over the phone.
- It's Pisces.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry to say
that she passed away.
- [gasps] Oh my god
- I'm so sorry.
Yeah, so the cabin's
not being rented,
so I'll get your money back,
whatever you need.
Oh, of course.
Hey, if there's
anything we can do. Just--
What are we gonna do?
It's just, you know
my ex-girlfriend and I
are here to spread her ashes.
It's kind of
a personal override.
I hope you understand.
[inhales] Hmm.
That's a tough one.
I know. It really
kinda sucks, doesn't it?
- Okay.
- There's a motel over there.
Yeah, we'll just maybe
check out a motel, I suppose.
[Lyndsey] You guys can come in if
you want to while you figure it out.
- Oh, we could-- We shouldn't.
- Oh, is it okay? I'm just a little--
- Just for a minute maybe.
- I could use some water.
- Yeah, some water, sure.
- Just a little cup of water.
- That is so sad.
- Come on in.
- I'm just really parched.
- Come on in.
[Marc] Okay, yeah,
I totally understand.
Thanks for trying. Alright, you
have a good night. Thank you.
Yeah, they're all booked.
They say everybody's booked.
There's a
Citrus Showcase in Visalia.
Oh no.
Oh, app note.
An ad for consumers to be
warned about rising hotel costs
or availability issues
when conventions are in town.
Thank you.
Strike that, thank you.
Thank you so much.
And strike that,
thank you so much. End note.
Uh, we decided
to leave tomorrow.
So if you guys wanna
take the pull-out tonight,
we'll be out of
your hair in the morning.
Oh no, we could never ask that
- and especially not after your loss.
- It's really okay.
I think we're
all just a little bit tired.
- So we can just--
- So why don't we get to bed?
I'll get your bedding.
[soft banjo plucking]
So, you two just let us know
if you need anything.
[Ren] Mmm. [chuckling]
[toilet whooshing]
- What the fuck?
- Jesus, Marc they were in need.
You don't know these people. They
didn't even enter until you invited 'em
like fucking vampires.
They seem like
genuinely nice people.
Exactly, too nice.
Compensating for something.
Like crazy do to party.
- Who do?
- You know,
[Marc] Every party
there's that one guy
that I'm like,
how many drinks has he had?
And everyone's like,
that's Sober Steve.
He's never had
a drink in his life.
Steve Harrigan?
- I love that guy.
- [sighs]
All I'm saying is I'd rather be
gang banged by the entire NBA
than hang out
with him for an hour.
[scoffs] You're an asshole.
[Lyndsey] Oh.
It was nice of you
trying to protect me.
- You know I'll always stab a ghost to death for you.
- [chuckles]
[eerie foreboding music]
[electric vibrating sound]
[scream]
[tinkling]
[monster roaring]
[exhales]
Hey.
- [Lyndsey] Good morning.
- [Jeff] Good morning, Lyndsey.
- [Jeff] I hope you and Marc like blueberry pancakes.
- Shit, shit.
- [Lyndsey] You guys didn't have to do that.
- Shit, shit.
- [Ren] It's the least we could do.
- [Jeff] It's the least we
- could do for you guys letting us stay.
- Shit!
[Jeff] I don't know what we would've done
last night if you guys hadn't offered.
C'mon, Jesus.
[Jeff] You have
to try these pancakes,
and vegan too, for Ren.
Hey, good morning, everybody.
What's everybody cooking?
- I'm on pancake patrol.
- And I'm on toast tribunal.
- [Ren chuckling]
- These ingredients, best of the best.
All locally sourced around SF.
You guys have gotta hear the story
about the lady
who makes this bread.
He made us breakfast,
how nice is that?
Oh, we have reservations at the Quad Cafe.
They're baking omelets.
They're better than friends
and family. [chuckles]
Well, that's quite an accolade,
so we don't wanna intrude.
You know, whatever we don't eat
here, we can save for tomorrow.
- [Ren] Pancakes?
- It's smells so good, I kinda wanna eat at the cabin.
Well, then it's settled.
Quad Cafe is
always gonna be here.
You two can just go the
next time you're in town.
Have some Jeff cakes.
[plates clanking]
Actually, this toast
is pretty good.
[Ren] Told ya, Senora's Bakery.
The lady who makes
these sandwiches--
- Rebecca.
- Don't ruin it.
Senora Rebecca,
she's a brain surgeon.
She got disillusioned
to all the corruption
in western medicine, left
to go find herself in Italy.
I'm sorry, I don't mean
to talk your ears off.
Oh no, that's compelling stuff.
Uhm, you said
San Francisco, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Technology?
As you saw last night,
I-- I develop apps.
I build up a user base,
then I sell 'em off.
Move on to the next.
Google, Facebook.
Are names of companies.
Yeah, those companies,
they'll buy up anything
for like 100,000, 500,000.
They even think
there's a possibility
my apps could compete
with them down the road.
Wow, really?
- Wow.
- Oh yeah, surely you've heard of Plg.
- With the umlaut.
- The umlaut.
It became Facebook Messenger,
so they won't tell you that.
So, what about you,
are you in technology?
No, I'm unemployed.
No, you're an entrepreneur.
Show 'em what you do.
- No.
- Show them what you do.
- C'mon.
- Okay.
Go show 'em.
Okay, you two, Angelinos?
- Mm-hmm.
- I knew it.
You're both prettier
than anyone in SF.
In SF, anyone your age is
either a autistic billionaire
or potbellied, starving writers.
I heard about
this 15 year old kid,
he's worth four billion
because he invented--
I'm a writer.
- Are you a writer?
- Mm-hmm.
That's great.
I think that's great.
Uh, who do you write for?
I am actually working
on a novel right now.
- It's pretty good.
- Oh, huh.
That's a stuffed
animal with a moustache.
- Regal Beasts.
- They are hilarious. [chuckles]
They are.
- Look at him.
- Look at this one.
- He's just make me smile.
- I'm actually talking to a college buddy
about trying
to get these into Target.
- Fuck Target!
- M-hm, well...
Target can be a tad anti-union.
Mr. Rhino would rather be
affiliated with John Wayne Gacy.
Target, John Wayne Gacy
can go either way.
I'll be out back.
[sheets whooshing]
Dude, why the hell?
You know, we're out here,
I thought we'd have some fun, you know.
Redwood Forest, river jump.
Let's get away from
these kind-hearted weirdos
and go have some fun.
I thought we were here to
spread your grandmother's ashes.
She wouldn't want
today to be a sad day.
She'd want it to be a celebration of
life, House of Fudge.
I'll be out back.
[urn clanking]
Fucking cock.
[soft banjo plucking]
[foreboding music]
[Lyndsey] I just about had all
the enjoyment I can handle.
[Ren] We won't be back 'til the evening.
We're going down to Exeter.
Oh, I love Exeter.
We passed it on the way up,
but everything was closed.
Well shucks,
if you two were staying,
I'd ask you
to come along with us.
Boy, do I only wish.
[soft Asian music]
- Too bad.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, no
it sounds like so much fun.
You're right, Marc.
- Well, you two have a safe trip back.
- It'll be fun.
Let's go to Exeter
with our new friends.
No, that's okay.
I know, it's totally
okay with me too.
Um, it's a plan.
["Sweet Maria" by Ben Bostick]
Now that's about the time
that Senora Rebecca,
she settled in a small village
in the bosque prohibida,
which loosely translates
to forbidden forest.
She has a blind mentor,
a panini maker.
He and his family have been making
paninis in the same bodega for 175 years.
- Imagine that.
- What the fuck?
Incredible.
He tells her one day,
"Senora Rebecca,
you don't make paninis with your head.
They're from your heart."
- Jesus, fuck!
- [tires screeching]
Hemingway!
[tires screeching]
[Jeff] I am so sorry, everybody.
A house cat out here.
- Never seen Homeward Bound?
- [Ren] I [mumbles] a fun movie.
[Jeff] I was just getting
to the climax too.
This Genoese baker, he invented
the blending of
two cheeses that rocked
the then
stage sandwich community.
Looked down on the world
And I'd learn
To speak Spanish
We'd eat comida rica
And everything would vanish
That we didn't
Want in our world
Oh Maria,
Dance a little closer
[Jeff] Oh wow, the best [indistinct]
I've ever owned is from here.
Hey guys, stop for a second.
Hang back.
Okay, so Ren and I
were wondering.
Guys, you seem pretty cool,
but are you this cool?
- I'm hip.
- [Jeff] Cool.
Yeah, no this, oh,
this is my friend.
He's one of the original
Haight-Ashburiers.
This guy, 80 years old.
He's still making music
on his organic carrot farm.
Can you believe that?
It's so good.
He doesn't do taxes or anything.
The dude is punk as fuck.
[Jeff]
You know, just a time capsule.
He's from the 60s
and met everybody.
He one time
blew all of Judas Priest.
[Jeff] He loved that band.
Here you go.
Uuuh, square.
I thought you said
you were a writer.
I write literature,
not fish albums.
Too bad you don't
write fish albums,
Come on.
[transcendent Asian music]
[Jeff] Hey, Lyndsey knows
how to party, huh?
- You're so beautiful when you smoke like that.
- Yeah.
You know, the smoke comes
through the windows
and catches the light,
it's really nice.
Phew, I am stoned, you guys.
This is some good shit.
This is Wizard Pubes,
Ah, this is one
of my favorite strains.
I don't know what that was,
but I'm high as fuck.
Attention everyone!
- Lyndsey's high as fuck.
- Shut up!
[clock gonging]
- Eh, hey, you're in my space.
- No, I'm not.
- [Jeff humming]
- [Ren chuckling]
Small towns like this
really jerk themselves off
over having shitty murals.
Street over there
has this mural.
Someone really thought
it was a really good idea
to paint people picking oranges
like it's not the only thing
for 30 miles here.
Well, if you lived here, oranges
would probably mean something to you.
Jesus, those two.
- Oh wait, do it like this?
- Yup.
Ren said they have
a rented cabin schedule.
Jeff takes it around
every other weekend.
I think it's sweet.
Jesus.
Couples like that,
their whole foundation
is based on mediocre activities
so they can brag about them
to other couples.
Yeah, how does a girl like that
get with a guy like him, huh?
Daddy issues, no dad issues,
Stockholm syndrome.
- [train horn bellowing]
[Jeff] Oh, hang on.
[train horn bellowing]
Dummy! I left my phone
- on the counter at the last place
- Oh no.
Hey, grab a drink!
I'll be right there.
- There's a bar here?
- Jeff invented an app, it's like the Armenian Yelp.
Oh well, he could go invent an
app to go fuck himself.
- So you two have been here before?
- I get it. Me and him, right?
- Eh, no--
- Before Jeff, I dated so many deadbeat punks, like so many.
And Jeff was the first person
that was actually like nice.
I get why people get taken back.
- Oh no, I--
- And you know, he's the only one
who's actually
truly undermining the man.
Ripping them off
with those apps like that.
Fuck. Found it.
Can I get four PBRs?
- You got it.
- Thanks.
- Open or closed?
- Open.
Alright.
- What is that?
- Who is that?
It's Mama Napkin Dispenser. It started
out as a joke, you know, then a habit.
Now it's my thing. Some people call me
Googs, which you can do if you want.
[gasps] Oh my god,
the baby's coming!
Everybody, steer clear!
Push, push.
Push, Mama Napkin
Dispenser, push!
[Ren vocalizing]
[gasps] Could it be twins?
Push! You got it, you got it,
You go-- Oh.
Miscarriage?
So, Ren, your Regal Beasts,
do they thematically tell
a man's subconscious desires
to assign human brush strokes
on their surroundings, so
that'll ease their relationship
in an otherwise cold
and animalistic world?
Yes.
- We have a modern Melville.
- Thanks, Marc.
No one's ever called me
a modern marvel, I like it.
- Hey, can we get--
- No I already paid, man.
- I got it.
- No, no, no, no, I got it.
No need to be a hero now.
Thanks, Marcus. Oh Well, I see Ren's
been making us some new friends.
Jeff, Marc called
me a modern marvel.
- Did he now?
- Yeah.
I meant like
a national treasure.
[Ren] I love that movie.
Eh, I mean I know it's a dumb
movie, but it has a good story.
And then--
I just have a Nick Cage thing.
Like I made a--
I made an actual Nick Cage thing
out of pieces of bird's nest
that I found in our garden.
[gasps] You have to hear
the story about this bird.
- It is the sweetest.
- It's a really good story actually.
Hey, speaking of stories, Marc
I've been meaning to ask you.
What is this
novel of yours about?
[Ren] Oh, yeah!
You don't want me
to bore you with that.
- [Ren] Oh please, bore us.
- [Lyndsey] Yeah, come on.
C'mon, it's really good.
Okay, uhm...
Alright, so basically
it's this modern day
morality play
centered on time travel.
Okay, but you don't really know
that it's time travel
until the very end, okay.
So, so, so picture this:
There's basically
this-- this laymen
Texan guy in 1950 suburbia.
He travels back in time
to ancient Alexandria
and-- and it's-- you know,
things get bad like the library.
It's basically a-- a-- a allegory
for our dependency on foreign oil.
- Oh fuck, yeah.
- But like 1970's oil and not signing the Kyoto Protocol.
It's just, uh--
It's really important stuff.
And then what happens?
That's-- that's it.
Well that sounds
very interesting, Marc.
You know I actually have a few
publishing buddies in SF,
I'd love to send it to 'em.
- Oh really?
- Aww, Jeff.
Marc, that's really exciting.
No, it's probably
not their thing.
Well, I have a few
connections at Barra-Collier.
It's more of a
McSweeney's type of thing.
Marc's super
serious about his work.
He's been working
on it for, how long now?
Since before the shoe store,
like three years.
You worked at a shoe store?
He must have more shoes that me.
I doubt that, Ren. Eh, well,
if the artist has a specific vision
he wants to match
to a certain publisher,
I totally understand that.
I wish you all the luck
in the world, Marc.
[sighs] So, what was the last
place you guys travelled to?
Oh we did a soup tour
through Vietnam.
- Incredible.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna use the restroom,
so does anyone need anything?
Just really--
They have got the best soup.
[slapping]
- Oh good day joy.
- [laughing]
Oh good day joy. He's like I don't
know what that is, like a joyride?
- [all laughing]
- [beer trickling]
- Whoa.
- Oh shit, I'm sorry.
- So sorry.
- Okay.
- Here.
- It's alright, it's okay.
It's okay. Well, I had a surprise I
was hoping to save until we got back,
but I should probably unveil it
now before it soaks through.
Ren, my lady,
I thought these were
absolutely perfect for you.
I love you, Jeffypop.
- They're very chic.
- [mumbles] in sunglasses?
And also, uhm, Lyndsey,
I thought you looked
absolutely fantastic in these.
- Aww.
- No, what?
- I, I can't.
- You absolutely can.
- [Ren] Isn't Jeff the best?
- Oh my god, that is so nice.
I don't-- I can't believe it.
Thank you. Marc.
If Marc had seen you in those,
he would've done the same thing.
Lyndsey, you can't take those.
[chuckles] Marc.
Oh they look so good on you.
Lyndsey.
- Marc.
- C'mon now.
What is your problem?
Hey, I'm sorry.
It's just, you know
you guys have been way too kind
to us already, you know, so--
Well, I didn't mean to be too
kind to the point of agitation.
- Apologies are all on me.
- I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
I'm really sorry.
[Lyndsey] At least I get to do
one thing I wanted this weekend.
I'll go with her.
Hey, Linds, wait up.
Hey, we'll catch up with
you girls in a minute.
[sighs] I'm sorry, man. I just--
Things have been on the rocks
lately. It's just--
Hey, we've all been there,
Buds McKenzie.
If I knew this was such a big weekend
for you, I never would've imposed.
But Lyndsey's here now
and she wants to have fun,
so you better find a way to
make it fun for yourself too,
otherwise it's just,
you know poo-poo.
Hey, go to her,
really apologize, okay.
Tell her she looks beautiful in
those earrings, and then-- here.
Why don't you give her this?
It was supposed to be
another gift for Ren,
but she's already
got five just like it.
Girls in their 20s and
woodland creatures, right?
Go live in the woods, ladies.
- [Marc mumbling]
- Hey, hey, be smooth.
Go out there and say, hey.
She turns, huh?
Say...
Your eyes are like rare jade.
- And..?
- And I gotta go to the little boys' room.
Hey, can I close up?
Your stepdad paid for the bill
while you were in the restroom.
How I'm goin'
If I should ever
Meet another stranger
Hey.
[street musician playing]
[train horn bellowing]
Okay, look, I, uhm-- I had this
notion of what this weekend was to me
and I didn't consider
what it meant to you.
That's selfish.
You don't have to accept it,
- but I'm sorry.
- [train horn bellowing]
When we get back to the cabin,
we'll spread the ashes and go home.
I won't fight or anything.
Also, I reacted because
I felt like he one-upped me.
Marc.
Also you're beautiful
in those earrings.
And...
They make
your eyes look like jade...
Which is rare.
Okay, thanks.
[soft guitar strumming]
Oh hey, there's the lovebirds.
Hey.
How's everything?
[Marc] Everything's great.
Okay, alright.
Well, Ren and I wanted to ask,
you know there's some really
cool stuff on the way back.
Would you two wanna take our
time, maybe make a day of it?
[Lyndsey]
Yeah, sounds fun to me.
[Marc] Yeah, I'm okay with that.
It's been days I make my way
On the interstate back home
South from the moment
There's a blood red moon
And a chip on my shoulder
And I know if I'm not
There soon he'll be gone
I [mumbles] grapevine.
[Lyndsey chuckling]
[chattering]
It's a smile.
That's not a smile.
- C'mon really, a big smile.
- Give us a smile.
- Give us a good smile.
- That's pretty good.
And as the long cold
Winter looms ahead
And a coat empty
Sat on my bed
[Ren] I'm still so pissed
about that ignorant farmer
and his Monsanto death oranges.
That guy had no idea what
you were talking about, Ren.
[crickets chirping]
This is such a surreal place
to have in my life.
You know,
the cabin still smells of her.
You know, when I was five,
I saw them cut down that tree.
And apparently it was blocking
the view of the cabin, so...
Then I just remember afterwards
seeing those redwoods,
just these massive lumps
on the top of that peak.
So I was just starting
to get erections.
Alright,
I didn't know what they were.
It's like--
With my dick bone sticking up,
I thought they were these weird
embarrassing medical things.
And-- and I remember
seeing those redwoods
just sticking out
of the mountain
and I just started crying
because those were my dicks.
Just a bunch of my dicks
on that mountain.
And Eve came in. And...
I'm up against the window,
my pants down, crying
and I tell her my dick bone
sticks up, you know. [chuckles]
She says: "That's okay."
She says:
"This is a special place.
And that mountain was like me."
And she kept that going
for so many years.
I was seven years old and I was still
pressing my child dick in that window.
You know. [laughing]
And now they're
only my memories.
And those trees are
only dicks to me now.
I see them too, Marc.
I missed her so much.
You still miss her.
[Marc weeping]
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
You have to say goodbye first.
Hey, sorry I know you wanna
get going by this afternoon.
Guess we had a little too
much fun on the way home.
- [Jeff] So...
- We have a proposal.
Dinner?
[Ren squealing]
Just yet, not yet.
You know, I'm really glad
you two could stay for dinner.
Yeah, you know I never would've
imagined that sharing a small cabin
with two strangers would
be something I would enjoy,
but here I am enjoyed.
- [alarm beeping]
- Okay, gotta hurry.
Alright, cut thin
strips diagonal.
Diagonal. Wait, whoa, whoa.
Okay, diagonal,
otherwise it won't marinate.
There we go.
Wait, a little more lateral.
Bitching, there you go.
Okay.
Ah god,
they are both so gorgeous.
You know if girls were this
pretty when I was your age,
- I would've lost my weight in sperm.
- Thanks.
Hey, you know what?
It's a special occasion.
Hey Ren, could you bring
the bag of enlightenment?
[chuckles]
Hey.
- You're gonna love this.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
[Ren chuckling mischievously]
Here we go.
Ever met Molly before?
Uh.
Mm-hmm.
- And one for you.
- Thank you, my darling.
Lyndsey, do you want some?
I think so.
- [Lyndsey] You like it?
- [Ren] Mm-hmm.
It's absolutely wonderful.
It's like being wrapped
in a blanket of whispers
with the power to touch music.
We wouldn't be able
to drive home tonight.
Please, Marc. [speaks Spanish].
It is my cabin. Uhm--
Ashes tomorrow?
And I promise
it's not that crazy,
wacky, jump-off-a-building
high you think it is.
[hand smacking]
But we're gonna
get fucked up for sure.
[soft transcendental music]
That was
absolutely fantastic, Jeff.
Well the man
of the hour is Marcus.
I've never seen anyone cut
meat quite like him before.
BTW, how are you feeling?
It's so awesome.
There's so many
drug programs, you know.
but you never
hear about love programs.
- You won't see that on the news.
- I can't believe this is the one that's illegal.
- You are right.
- If this is illegal, hot baths should be illegal.
I don't really
get the connection,
but I guess I see the logic.
I really, really
want your hair, Jeff.
It's receding, but it's like
sexy receding like Jude Law.
Lyndsey, you have the spirit
of a much, much older woman.
But I'm sure
you get that all the time.
Ren, I like
how much makeup you wear.
Marc, I have never met someone--
[chuckling]
This is gonna sound weird,
someone so confident
with so few credits.
And I mean that in the best way
you can take that.
It's inspiring.
[loud eerie whimpering]
Oh my god, I killed him.
I'm so sorry.
[Marc] Not to be too
serious for a second,
Uhm, you know, I wasn't really
sure if I liked you guys.
Like [sighs] it's not that
I didn't like-like you guys,
it's just [sighs]
I was just so obsessed
with how this weekend
was supposed to be
and I could not
let go of that control.
And I just have to thank you
for helping me reign that in
and for helping me realize
how fantastic it can be.
To being absolutely fantastic.
To being absolutely fantastic.
- To being absolutely fantastic.
- To being absolutely fantastic.
- [glasses clinking]
- [fire crackling]
[Ren yawning and vocalizing]
I'm coming down hard. Feel like sad
and dying, which meanswait in bed.
- I should too.
- I'm gonna be a few minutes, guys.
Come soon.
- [crickets chirping]
- [frogs croaking]
I have to tell you, Marc. Ren
and I are gonna miss this place.
Yeah, I really hope that one day
I can travel
like the two of you do.
Ah, it's okay.
[scoffs] Really hope
I can give that to Lyndsey.
Well, you realize, Marc
that you never have as much fun
as what you have in your 20s.
What, shoes and debt?
- Hm.
- [owl hooting]
You know,
I dropped out of high school,
started a successful business.
Sounds cool, but you know I'll
always have this feeling like
you know, wondering, like
maybe I missed out
on some of that
normal stuff people do.
I never went to prom.
[Marc] Prom is dumb.
Still, I'll never know.
When you get older,
you just, you know you realize
man, if I had slowed down, just
enjoyed it a little bit more.
I probably would've still got
to where I was going anyway.
You know that's
if it all works out.
Hey, Marc I am serious
about that novel, okay.
My buddy's always
looking for new stuff.
I honestly-- I have no idea
what yours is about.
Maybe that's a good thing.
I can't ask that of you.
You're a good guy, Marc.
I wanna help, okay.
Please let me help, here.
When are you not
the most generous person?
I have my days.
You should've
seen me on Tuesday.
You would not have wanted
to be around this, mister.
You know when-- when we spread
Evelyn's ashes tomorrow,
I want you and Ren to be there.
[soft somber music]
Hey, you.
I had fun today.
It felt good.
I don't know if it's
the MDMA in my system,
but looking in your eyes
I will do anything for you.
I will always protect you.
I would destroy peoples for you.
[romantic piano music]
- Take it. Take it.
- [Jeff] You like that? Huh?
If you didn't like it,
then choke me.
- [moans] Wait, choke me back.
- Take it!
[somber piano music]
- [foreboding music]
- [eerie screaming]
Evelyn!
- [crows cawing]
- [grass rustling]
[loud boom]
[baby whining]
[loud boom]
[gasps] Oh fuck.
Jesus Christ, grandma.
When did you get
so fucking nefarious?
What's the word
[gasps] There he is!
There's our sleepy Samuel
Simmons Sir. [laughs]
I did not mean to sleep so late.
I know, but Lyndsey
said you looked so cute
like a sleeping animal,
like a sleeping puppy.
And she didn't wanna wake you up or something.
You were like [yapping] like that.
- It was so cute.
- Where is Lyndsey?
[chuckles] She and Jeff
decided to kill their hangovers
- by snacking on some Adderall and going fishing.
- Nice.
See, personally I don't really
like murdering an animal's life.
So I decided to stay at
home and see what happens
when I mix sewing and Adderall
and Modafinil altogether.
I have made 50 animals!
Fuck, that's a lot of animals!
- Ren, is this yours?
- Nope. [laughs]
You know what happened? So, that little
stick fell out from underneath bed couch
when me and Jeff were in bed
together or sleeping together.
No, we were in bed together.
It's the weirdest thing, uhm--
Do you remember my grandmother
that I was telling you about?
- [Ren] Yup.
- Yeah, during her last year,
she tried all these
new age cures and...
They keep on
popping up everywhere.
[gasps] I didn't
tell you this story.
[foreboding music]
Okay, when I
used to be a driver--
- A commercial driver?
- No.
Shh, quiet. I was like 17
and my aunt Kathleen
Robins was on her deathbed.
I didn't have a father figure
growing up, or a father
and she was the closest thing.
But then because her insurance
wouldn't approve her operation,
she was...
Just...
Gone, you know.
[heart monitor beeping]
I'd never felt
so horrible in my life.
How could the world be so cruel?
But then, it hit me.
[foreboding music]
Everything was going to be okay.
Her last name was Robins!
- There were robins?
- The bird!
The bird was a robin?
I don't know birds, but yes!
I know it was a sign that
even though she had passed,
she was in a better place and
she wanted me to know, you know.
I don't know, I think
mine might mean more.
Um, okay.
You might wanna wash that
and your hands
and the table it's on.
Last night it was
in one of our butts.
[soft guitar strumming]
Where are you, you
[mumbles] motherfucker?
Holy shit, she caught a fish.
That's so sad.
Good for her!
She's really happy.
[punk music]
[bangs] People do not even
begin to appreciate the effort
that it takes to sew in a
perfectly-level moustache.
Nepotist spoiled trash!
Brewer's blackbird,
bitch please.
[punk music]
And I wake up late at night
just wanna do
Hangin' with a girl
who's just like me
Just like me
Just like me
[Ren bangs]
Fucking fiddlesticks!
How is it possible that I
have an odd number of buttons?
Rosa must be stealing again,
that cunt!
I mean cunt in like the feminist way
because it means she's a Roman goddess,
but she was the goddess of war. And since the
patriarchy's taken over every feminist word,
they've taken over the word
cunt as if it's a bad thing.
But actually it means strength,
so Rosa's actually
kind of a nice person.
- Hey, guys!
- Marc! You're never gonna believe what happened.
- Lyndsey, she caught--
- I caught a fish!
You spoiled it.
Hey, mister.
I really like [mumbles].
- Are we still heading out today?
- Out? Lyndsey has to prepare this wonderful dinner.
Tomorrow's Labor Day, which is ironic. It
should be called non-Labor Day. That's fun.
- Lyndsey.
- I thought we were here
- to spread my grandma's ashes.
- Lyndsey.
Lyndsey, have you
ever fileted fish?
- No way.
- Well, you're so good at other stuff,
I have no doubt you'll
be fantastic at that too.
- [Lyndsey giggling]
- [Jeff laughing sarcastically]
[Ren] So do you think
if I start smoking now,
I'll be able to balance
other stimulants
and get sleep
in the next 78 hours?
Only one way to find out.
Counter clockwise.
- Does it matter?
- Yeah, here you go.
If you go counter clockwise,
oval once, okay.
Otherwise your dish
won't be as beloved
- as if it were poo-poo flavored.
- Got it.
I win. [coughs]
And I never win at this.
- You're not very good at this.
- Sorry.
I had four in the row
in the bottom... row.
[pot clanking]
Shoot.
Ren, did you pack
the olive oil from Ricardo's?
I know I did. I think I did.
- It's in the bags.
- Maybe there's a substitute.
[Ren] Did I mess up?
That's your favorite oil.
This is not happening. [sighs]
Okay, well, this can't
be prepared without oil.
And if I leave this stuff,
it's gonna fry.
Marc, could you run into
town and pick some up?
It would mean the world.
I'm a little drunk and high.
Normally I'm all for
being about the influence,
but it's a private road
and you're totally a boss, okay.
I can't send Ren,
she doesn't drive.
Killed a squirrel in 2011.
Never again.
Marc?
I don't really know
the directions to the market.
- Ren knows, so you guys can be a pick-up team.
- Oh my god when we and Jeff
go to the market, we pretend we're
in the Italian Job. It's so much fun.
We're in the forest You could pretend
you're on an indoor speeder bike.
[soft rock music]
I'll go get my keys.
- [Jeff] Thanks so much, buddy.
- Marc's the best.
- [Jeff] Hey, now that is looking good. See?
- [Lyndsey] Mm-hmm.
- Counter clockwise.
- It does make a difference.
[Jeff] Gingerly with vigor,
that's how I do it.
Now don't show me up over there.
- [chuckles] I'll try.
- I don't want you to make me look bad.
[snaps] Let's get out of Dodge.
Just need one or two hits.
Okay so Ricardo's Olive Oil
is Jeff's favorite olive oil
because Rick the founder
was the first person
to try pressing olives
after the pimento was put in.
I mean I just wish I could
follow my dreams like that.
I mean sometimes I just don't know
how real artists do that, you know
like Ricardo started going by Ricardo
after he started making the oil.
[Ren] Isn't That crazy? Because he defied
his high school guidance counsellor,
he's now the top-rated
olive oil maker in the world.
Doesn't that make
you just explode?
[Marc] Yeah, Uh--
I forgot my wallet.
Oh good,
could've used one or two hits.
Two hitsssss...
Two hitsss...
Do you think
there are snakes here?
Do you ever think about how
when snakes with that [hisses],
they're probably
like actually singing?
[guitar strumming]
Marc, you're driving slow.
Oh, [moans] cool.
What are you-- Forget it.
It's a yin yang,
it's all about balance.
Like I try to have
a balance in my life,
like I'm trying to do with
amphetamines and weed right now.
- I'll go.
- No, stay.
- It would just be easy--
- Stay.
[high pitch tone]
[door squeaks]
[tense music]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, forgot my wallet.
- [Lyndsey] Haven't seen it.
- That's a world record.
- Yeah, just forgot my wallet.
- Haven't seen it.
I'd let that simmer
just a bit longer.
Looks good.
[Ren whistling]
How'd it go?
"It go?"
Do you even hear
yourself sometimes?
Well, I kind of have to 'cause our mouths
are close to our ears, like yours is--
Is yours closer than this?
What the fuck
is this hick ass shit?
Nice shirt, man. I like those
buttons. It's gonna be 3.59.
Hey, what's your skank doing?
Say, what the fuck
are you doing?
What the fuck is this?
I don't know, she doesn't know what
she's doing. Okay, I'll buy it.
- Doesn't know what she's doing?
- Look, I said I'll buy it, okay.
Doesn't know what she's doing.
What kinda dumb spunk hole
doesn't know fucking up
somebody else's property?
Listen, man, listen. Okay, I
get it. We're on the same page.
And I get it, you wanna solve
problems by being all angry
and being what this hick
town thinks what a man is,
but you never call a woman a
spunk hole, you understand me?
What type of faggot we got here?
The kind that didn't move when
you stepped closer to him.
[fist bashing]
I cannot believe that guy
used the word faggot
and he used violence?
It's 2015, people. Wake up.
- Ren--
- It's not my fault that guy didn't understand my googles.
I'm sorry we live in
this sad, unfair world
and all I wanna do is spread a little
bit of joy when people least expect it.
Well, your little bit of joy
has blood coming out of my nose.
You know what I noticed? There wasn't a
single organic or vegan thing in that place.
That guy was like Hitler II.
Do you realize that you eat
organic and vegan
to stay healthy,
but you constantly drink
alcohol which is a known poison?
Okay, alcohol's
not like a poison-poison.
Molly, amphetamines.
You're constantly putting
shit in your body.
It's poison.
Sorry?
You're dumb.
- What?
- I said, you're dumb.
I mean, Ren is a dumb name.
The only reason
guys like your googles
is because
they think you're easy.
The only reason
Jeff likes your googles
is because you're fucking him.
Pull over.
I said, pull over.
I said, pull over!
[sighs]
Hey, hey, look at me.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm an asshole. Okay?
I like your Regal Beasts,
I think they're cool.
That was your apology?
You lack any kind of empathy.
All you're looking
out for is yourself
and how you
imagine the world to be.
This is how I apologize.
This is my apology voice, okay.
- I'm sorry!
- It feels like you're still yelling at me
- while you're apologizing.
- Cause I'm in a bad mood!
I'm sorry.
You don't even know me.
You know.
You judge people so hard,
it's exhausting.
No wonder Lyndsey doesn't
wanna be with you, you know.
Well, I think now
you owe me an apology.
You're a dick.
Here they are.
Just in time to save the day.
Quality olive oil. [mumbles]
[tribal drumming]
[Jeff] Ren?
[tribal drumming]
Fuck.
[tribal drumming]
[blood trickling]
Hey, is there an
ice pack in the fridge?
[sighs]
You think Regal Beasts
are stupid too?
No.
Marc, can we step
outside for a second?
[door slamming]
Okay, uhm, I just wanna
say I'm sorry 'cause--
[Jeff mumbling]
No, I'm sorry, Marc.
I'm sorry,
but you are an asshole!
Yes, OK, yes, I am an asshole.
Who the frick are you to crush
another person's dreams, huh?
Okay, I said I'm so--
- Lyndsey.
- You're lucky they're watching,
otherwise I'd beat
you to a bloody pulp!
Uh-- Do-- Yeah? Did she tell
you about my nose
- in the convenience store?
- No!
Lyndsey, we should go, okay.
No, Marc, she's gonna
stay and enjoy the meal
she worked so hard to prepare!
- Lyndsey.
- Until then,
take a hike, mister!
[soft foreboding music]
Lyndsey deserves
better than you, Marc.
You can't poo-poo everyone else's
happiness just because you hate yourself
for being a pathetic
27 year old potbellied writer!
[Marc]
Looking into Lyndsey's eyes,
I always think of
the probabilities
of everything that
brought us together.
The probability of being born, the probability
of being born in same era of geography,
of vicinity, of fucking health
packs around
by the absence of disaster
in the simple luck of gravity.
In the crime of all
those equations fused.
You came along to me.
My blood sings with
those impossibilities
and in all that math, I fucked
it, multiplied it by zero.
Can't you see your grudge is nothing
compared to being nothing forever.
Now you only see me with hate.
That hate
and pity is worth sharing
those last remainders before--
before for forever.
[river trickling]
I really should've shit
when we got back.
Wait, no.
Hemingway?
Hemingway.
Where did you go,
you piece of shit?
[soft somber music]
[Jeff] It's really good.
Everything came out
really well, Lyndsey.
You should be proud.
Uhm, there is an obvious
unease in the air
that's effecting tonight
and I should blame myself.
I was too harsh on him.
I shouldn't have said anything.
'Course you should.
I got heated and, you know
I'm gonna fix up a plate,
and go out and see if I can find him.
Oh, Marc
we were just talking about you.
I was saying
that I owe you an apology.
I just was out of line and it's
just out of character for me.
[clanking]
[Marc] Jeff, can you explain to
me why that bottle of olive oil
made by the best
presser in the world
that defied his high
school guidance counsellor
was in the middle
of the fucking woods?
- I-- Marc, I--
- What's going on?
- I don't know.
- Ooh, I think you do.
I think you were distracting us
while you were filling Lyndsey
- with your body weight in sperm.
- Marc!
- [marc] That's his words.
- What?
- What?
- Out of context.
Body weight in sperm
can be put into context?
I saw you guys at the dock!
- Fishing?
- Fishing.
Fishing in her mouth!
Marc!
Okay, Marc, where did you find
this bottle of olive oil?
I found it at the bottom
of a cliff in a bush.
Nature's camouflage.
[Ren gasps] No!
Yeah, because if you noticed
the cliff is adjacent to
where we parked the car.
[banging] I found this
in the bottom of a cliff
in a fucking bush, you asshole!
Don't fucking lie to me!
I have absolutely no idea
how that got there.
Listen, the parking area
has a slope to it.
There's a grade
that leads to a hill
and that hill
leads down to the cliff.
Oh, logic here.
Okay, so say when we were
bringing our things in,
it was dark out. This bottle drops out
and goes rolling off without noticing,
so, it's that simple.
No, fuck no!
Fuck, no!
You were fucking Lyndsey!
Your grandmother actually
warned me about that.
She said, "Be careful
about unpacking things
near the hill
that go to the cliff."
Fuck [mumbles].
You were fucking Lyndsey.
Marc, I would never.
[punk music]
[birds chirping]
Huh, now would ya look at that.
Yeah, that's
a Brewer's blackbird.
I'm offended that you would--
I'm sorry,
but that's inappropriate.
I'm a terrible human being.
I want to die.
No, don't.
Don't, okay?
I love you so fucking much.
That's why I brought you
here, to win you back
because I can't imagine
my life without you.
I fucked up.
I don't deserve you.
I am a terrible person.
You're not a terrible person.
I...
I had sex with Jeff.
- What?
- What?
I saw the recipe on the counter and
I threw the bottle over the cliff.
What the fuck, why?
Why?
Fucking why?
Because I wanted to.
Because he treats me nicely
and he asks me questions.
And-- and they're
in an open relationship
and especially because
he loves my wide vagina.
So you found your bottle,
who gives a shit?
We're not together.
You even walked in on us
while we were fucking
and you were too
self-absorbed to notice.
[foreboding music]
[Marc] Hey, forgot my wallet.
Haven't seen it.
That was a world record.
[Jeff] Forgot my wallet.
Oh, haven't seen it.
I'd let that simmer
just a big longer.
[clears throat]
Open relationship?
I may have mentioned
that you once
suggested an open relationship.
[Ren] You're the one
who said no to it.
Aren't you always
saying that relationships
- are primitive institutions?
- No, no I do not!
I said,
"The idea of a nuclear family
is primitive," you fuck!
Yeah, I read your shitty thesis.
Jesus Christ.
We had sex 12 hours ago.
[Ren] Oh, oh what is
this double standard?
You're mad at Lyndsey,
but you're not mad at Jeff
who did the exact same thing?
Because I haven't been fucking
Jeff for five years, Ren!
[Ren] Well you're
fucking lucky you didn't!
It's fucking terrible.
I am out.
I'm not even packing my bags.
Oh, you're out?
Okay, hey, guys guess how
Marc's novel starts off?
There's seriously a scene
where pigs are eating pearls!
[laughs sarcastically]
How clever!
Pigs eating pearls!
- Pigs eating pearls?
- Pearls before swine, Ren.
Jesus fucking Christ!
[foreboding drumming]
Fuck.
These are my grandma's ashes
that I was supposed to spread!
Well shine up
in the night sky, diva!
[urn crashing]
- Everybody, fuck you!
- Fuck you!
You're your biggest problem, you know.
You do this to yourself, you know.
This is your fucking fault!
You're not talented enough
to be this shitty of a person!
Fine, go!
Good fucking riddance,
you self-centered asshole!
[sobs]
- Jeff, are you--
- Not now.
Great.
You lied to me.
I'll drop you off at the Visalia
Train Station in the morning.
Did you have a cat,
a fun doggie?
We let it go.
I'm sorry?
When we got here, we let her go
so she could
live free in the wild.
A house cat?
[scoffs]
That--
That's terrible.
That's the most selfish thing
I've ever heard.
[drumming]
[cell phone buzzing]
[cell phone buzzing]
[frogs croaking]
[car approaching]
[preacher] Jesus took
the needle out of my arm.
[static buzzing]
[preacher] Can you imagine those
police officers and Jesus took--
[tires screeching]
[footsteps]
[soft foreboding music]
[intense tribal drumming]
I'm a horrible,
fucked up person.
You aren't the fuck up.
- You find that today?
- I love you.
I wouldn't want this.
Lyndsey, I love you.
You love us.
You don't love me.
I don't know
if you really even know me.
Now we're just convenient.
The fear of emptiness of
searching for something new
because I know I'll
never find anyone like you.
[Marc] If they just hadn't
come this weekend.
[ominous music]
[scoffs]
After all this,
are you that fucking crazy?
Marc, you can't control people.
All you can do is be nice
and hope that people see
something in you back.
I'm sorry.
[Hemingway vocalizing]
You're taking the cat!
[energetic electro music]
- Hey.
- Hey, you.
[Sandra]
No, I've never heard of that.
You've never
read anything by Rushdie?
So you're here by yourself?
I... Yes.
Alright, so you've never
heard the song Common People?
[woman] Wait, do you
go to college here?
- [lamp rattling]
- [Sandra moaning]
- I need your hand to do something to me.
- Okay.
- Marc, I'll tell you what.
- Okay.
- Marc, I really need you to do something to me.
- Okay.
I can't tell you.
Just what?
Don't do it.
No, don't do it.
Don't stop.
Stop, don't.
Don't do it, don't do it.
Don't, don't, don't.
No. [moans]
Oh god! Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh, yes. [pants]
Okay.
[moans]
[moans]
[chuckles]
Not tonight.
[sighs]
[eerie buzzing]
[scream]
[muted speech]
- [ominous piano music]
- [geese squawking]
- Evelyn?
- [car horn honking]
[tires screeching]
[unsettling sound]
- [baby whining]
- [wind chimes chiming]
Grandma, what is this?
What does it mean?
- [unsettling sound]
- [baby whining]
What the fuck?
[Marc breathing heavily]
[Sandra] Can you get me water?
[intense tribal drumming]
I will fucking find something!
Ow! [growls]
Oh, of fucking course!
[intense tribal drumming]
[breathing heavily]
- [sunroof whirring]
- [wind chimes chiming]
[bottles jingles]
- Marc.
- Hey.
Uhm, it's kinda dumb of me
to surprise you like this,
but, uh, do you have
time to just sit and talk?
Yeah 'course I can do that,
but you could've
called, you know.
You know I have
Dungeon Master on Mondays.
- I know.
- [car door slams]
I need to be a better friend.
I need to let people be happy.
I need to let people go.
I need to stop being
so controlling, I think.
I need to not let
domestic animals free.
It's been a crazy
couple of days, man.
- If you're busy--
- The Parliament of Shadows
will live
if I push back an hour.
- Where do you wanna go?
- Uhm.
I don't know, wherever-- Wherever
we can get more beer maybe.
- [seagulls squawking]
- [waves crashing]
This is from your grandmother.
I used to drive her to
appointments all the time
and she must
have stuck it in then.
I found hidden boxes and
boxes of similar manifestos
while cleaning out her house.
There's probably a dozen
left in the house somewhere.
"New World Order:
Dicksucking ducks."
My family new she was
eccentric and spiritual,
but she never let on that.
[friend] French press your cunt.
You know what's funny?
Something that...
fills one's life
with so much meaning...
that it's their
own special dogma
that they can see so vividly
doesn't exist
to the next person.
It's trash to everyone else.
Like some dumb bird in a garage.
Where's the bird
in the garage thing?
- [paper crumpling]
- [soft soothing music]
So, those dreams.
What were they?
I've seen a lot in them.
They didn't mean a thing.
[crickets and birds chirping]
[vacuum humming]
[urn clanking]
[ashes whooshing]
[lively rock music]
[singer vocalizing]
We keep movin', movin'
Through cities
Blue and white
We keep running, running
From that awful night
She looks at me
And then the repeats
And the [indistinct]
Will apply
Their home's at an angle
Risking their lives, yeah
And love
Is just an ending
Until you go
So let's go
And love
Is just an ending
[song continues]