Double Wedding (1937) Movie Script

"Agbar crushes her in a mad embrace.
Then suddenly, Reginald shouts, 'Stop! '
Close-up: Reginald.
Behind him, the foreign legion. "
That'll have to be a trick shot.
"Agbar turns to Penelope.
Agbar, 'I lose.
But it's better this way,
for there's sand in my veins...
...and blood on my hands,
but always your smile in my heart. '
He leaps to his horse
and rides out across the desert.
Close shot: Reginald.
He fires into the air.
Close shot: Penelope.
She stares after Agbar.
Tears well in her eyes...
...and as she raises one limp hand
to wipe away the tear...
...we fade out. "
Oh, Charlie, it's beautiful.
Why, it reads
like Henry W. Longfellow, the poet.
Irene, this will make you.
I'll bet you that in one year, you'll be a star.
This will open
the gates of Hollywood to us.
All we need is a guy with dough,
a camera, some Arabs...
- And a desert.
- Yes, a desert.
Say, maybe we'll go to the Sahara for that.
I know the exact spot.
I was over there one time
with the 23rd Zouaves.
- It's daylight.
- The riffs were kicking up a fuss.
Irene, Margit's taking a shower now.
- In as much as I speak Arabic fluently...
- What? We gotta go.
- Margit will be furious.
- Say, wait a minute. What? What?
Oh, there it goes again.
Margit. Always Margit.
Say, what kind of a woman is this sister
of yours anyway? A witch?
Afraid she'll turn you into mice
if you don't get in before midnight?
I'm surprised Waldo
had a chance to fall in love with you.
- Or was that Margit's idea?
- As a matter of fact, it was.
I should have thought of it myself
but Margit explained to me that Irene...
...was the only girl for me
and I should love her.
So I did.
- You see? You don't know Margit.
- Maybe it's just as well.
Now, you mustn't talk
about my sister like that.
You don't understand her.
She's different from you and me.
She's a businesswoman. We're Bohemians.
Why do Bohemians
have to stay up all night?
Well, go on. Run along, little mice.
- Well, goodbye.
- Run along.
I'll pick you up tonight.
- Good morning, Margit.
- Good morning, Margit.
Good morning. How did you sleep?
I never slept better.
The sun woke me up.
I just called Judge Blynn
and arranged for your marriage... be held the first week
in May on a Sunday.
Well, isn't this all rather
on the spur of the moment?
After being engaged for four years?
If there's anything unlucky,
it's the getting married part.
- Angelo.
- Yes, Miss Agnew?
The paper says cloudy, probably rain.
You won't have to water the garden today.
- How's your bambino?
- Don't water the lawn.
The bambino? Oh, he's fine.
So you can use that time to get rid
of all these weeds.
Be sure he gets his cod liver oil.
Yes, ma'am. Pull the weeds
and oil the bambino. Yes, ma'am.
- Waldo.
- Yes, Margit?
Come down to the office this afternoon.
Mrs. Bly will be there.
I want you to meet her.
We can interest her
in one of your inventions.
Now, Margit, really, I...
She made plenty of money backing me
in the dress shop. She can afford it.
Irene, I want you to come too,
at 3 sharp.
- Yes, Margit.
- Goodbye.
Goodbye, Margit.
Waldo, you're the strongest man I know.
- Well, thank you, dear.
- When you're alone.
When you're around anyone else,
you're a mouse. You're weak.
I'm not weak, Irene. I'm just agreeable.
Oh, sometimes I wonder whether it's me
you're marrying or Margit.
Margit picks you out for me.
Margit makes you fall in love with me.
Margit arranges our wedding.
I suppose if I don't make a good wife
for you, Margit will divorce me.
Waldo, what are you thinking about?
I was thinking we'd better get some sleep
if we're going to be at the shop at 3 sharp.
If we're late, Margit will be furious.
Blow me down, babe,
it's a knockout.
- Did you design it yourself?
- Every stitch of it.
I've planned Irene's wedding dress
for years.
- How do you like it, babe?
- Well, it's lovely, but is it me?
You see, I had something else in mind.
More along the lines of what Garbo wore
when she fled from her true love.
Are you planning on a quick getaway
from Waldo?
Well, I wouldn't blame her
if she did.
Oh, Mrs. Bly, Mr. Waldo Beaver.
Beaver, huh?
Waldo's a sort of distant relative of ours.
Mother, you know, was a Leslie.
The son of her brother, Edward Leslie,
married one of the Boyer girls, Anne Boyer.
Anne's sister
Hermione married Steve Carroll...
...divorced Steve
and married Elmer Beaver...
...who had three brothers,
Andrew, Paul and Alexander.
Andrew was married twice.
His first wife was a Brewster.
His second wife was the widow
of Martin Thomas, ne Caroline Cook.
Andrew and Caroline
were the parents of Waldo.
- Get it?
- Nope.
All that just for Waldo.
Waldo, will get up there?
I wanna see you two together.
Now, aren't you ashamed because you
complained about wearing striped trousers?
Well, I always thought that a man
that wore fancy pants was...
I beg pardon, Miss Agnew.
The report's ready.
Yes. Come along, Mrs. Bly.
Oh, why show me reports?
Why can't we stay around and play
with Waldo and Irene for a little while?
Waldo, I love my sister very much.
Me too, Irene.
And she loves us very much.
You know, she's the finest,
most generous person in the world.
- But sometimes I wonder.
- Me too.
I angeled this joint for only one reason... put one over on the income tax,
to lose money.
You make profits.
Do you want to ruin me?
I've got it. We'll double your salary.
- Thank you.
- I wouldn't think of it.
My salary's big enough already.
More than enough for myself
and Irene and Waldo.
Waldo? Do you support Waldo too?
He's been boarding with us for four years,
ever since mother picked him out for Irene.
Why didn't the old lady
pick out a man for you?
A man? I'm afraid I've never
given it much thought.
Men and marriage and all that sort of thing
take up too much time.
Look, babe,
you only have to run a dress shop.
Catherine the Great
had 50 million Russians on her hands...
...and she had plenty of time left over.
Oh, I used to dream of knights in armor
and rumble seats.
I've read Byron and picked wild flowers.
Well, I never read Byron but you can't
tell me anything about rumble seats.
You see, I've had responsibilities.
I had a job to do, raising Irene.
I'm very proud of what I've done.
I've kept her from making mistakes.
Well, it's a lot of fun
making mistakes sometimes.
Ever watch the sun rise
with a guy you're nuts about?
I almost always look at it,
alone when I get up.
Oh, not get up, stay up.
I'm just not interested.
Except for Irene and Waldo.
I've arranged a wonderful honeymoon
for them.
They wanted California
but I think Bermuda would be much nicer.
It's Hollywood I'm afraid of.
You see, Irene wants a career in the films,
so I think it's best for her not to go.
At least, not until
after the children have come.
Well, how many children
are they going to have?
Well, naturally, that's up to them.
Well, now, that's mighty white of you.
I beg your pardon.
Who was that?
Must be one of the paperhangers.
They sometimes get to look like that.
Irene. Waldo.
Charlie. You shouldn't have come here.
What are you doing here?
- What are you impersonating? A cake?
- These are our wedding clothes.
Margit thought it would be
good for us to get married.
- She's arranged us to be married in May.
- The first Sunday.
First Sun...
I suppose that's her first free day.
Do you wanna be married
when your sister wants or you want?
- Now, look, you don't know Margit.
- No, but I will. Say, where is she?
In her office.
But you don't understand...
- Which is her office?
- She doesn't realize...
Well, she will.
There are things I wanna talk to her about:
- Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness.
- No, Charlie, please.
She doesn't even know you.
- No, you're kind of a secret.
- We want you to meet her nicely.
- You'll love her.
- There no reason why an older sister...
Charlie, please!
Pretty please?
Well, all right. And get out
of that gingerbread. Spike's waiting.
Now, be a nice Charlie
and don't move from where you are.
- It ain't much good buzzing them.
- Why not?
They ain't in their rooms, that's why.
The beds is all made up, untouched.
But that's impossible.
They were both at home last night
when I went to bed.
- They must have been kidnapped.
- No, ma'am. Evidence is evidence.
You see, they both went out shortly
after you went to bed last night.
- What?
- "Miss Agnew retired at 9:25...
...leaving Miss Irene and Mr. Beaver
in the living room.
At one minute past 10, a gentleman called. "
They were expecting him.
He came in a car,
a yellow 1931 coupe...
...with a rumble seat,
license number BX 4A3567.
It was a small noisy car.
The gentleman wasn't small
but he was noisy too.
But they've been away all night.
This has never happened before.
Oh, yes, it has, Miss Agnew, quite often.
The first time was of a Tuesday night,
March the 11 th.
Second time was four nights later,
March the 15th.
- The third time...
- Keough, how do you know all this?
I, Miss Agnew, was the first G-man.
Long before they even thought of it
in Washington.
- But, Keough, couldn't you be mistaken?
- No, ma'am.
Why, I had Dillinger sewed up four times.
I just couldn't get the commissioner
on the phone, that's all.
But why and where?
- Spike's Place.
- Where could they...? What place?
Spike's Place. They went there.
- What's that?
- It's a joint, 540 East 56th Street.
- Let me have that.
- It's one flight up.
Don't you think I'd better go along
for a kind of protection?
You know, those places
are sort of tough when you...
You beast.
You're beautiful in your distress.
Your father's heart must bleed for you.
Soon I will have him torn apart
by four camels.
Four camels.
North, south, east and west.
Oh, but, Waldo,
that's supposed to be a derisive laugh.
See? Here.
There is a way to save your father
from being torn four-ways from the middle.
There is no sacrifice too great,
no humiliation too humiliating.
Speak, Agbar, what is it you wish of me?
Well, I didn't get you here to play casino.
Wait a minute. What did you say that for?
- Nothing in the script.
- It would give us something to do.
- It was just a thought.
- Don't think.
You're an actor. Go on.
My little English orchid, to win you...
...I would have to have the heart of a lion
and the strength of 10 men.
And you will not escape me.
- What are you doing?
- I was locking the tent.
- How are you going to lock a tent?
- It's got a zipper on it.
Go on.
Oh, little desert flower,
come to my arms.
No, no. Once again, more gusto.
Oh, little desert flower,
come to my arms.
No, no, I don't feel it, don't feel it.
Oh, little desert flower, come to my arms.
Did you feel that?
That was perfect. Go on.
Come to my arms.
You quiver,
you tremble at my very touch.
You haven't touched her. How do you know
whether she's quivering and trembling?
You've got to make her tremble
and quiver. Make her.
Oh, little desert flower,
come to my arms.
You quiver,
you tremble at my very touch.
My longing for you
goes beyond pride and nobility.
Um... Uh...
I love you.
Well, thanks, Charlie. I like you too.
Waldo, that's your line to her:
"I love you. "
Oh, well. I love you.
Blindly, adoringly, madly, passionately.
- How was that?
- Awful. Simply awful.
Well, Charlie, the trouble is
I'm a little sleepy.
Sleepy? You're dead on your feet.
You're supposed to be an Arabian, old man.
A hot-blooded Arabian.
- Yes. How can I resist unless you attack?
- Why, certainly.
I could do it better myself.
The scene ain't got no "yumph" in it.
There's the word, "yumph. "
The scene hasn't any "yumph" in it.
What's "yumph," Charlie?
Why, "yumph" is... It means...
Here, sit down.
Sit down. Now, let me show you.
It's very simple.
"Trumerei. "
Now, watch carefully, old man.
Oh, little desert flower,
come to my arms.
Why, you tremble,
you quiver at my very touch.
Ah. My longing for you goes
beyond pride and nobility.
I love you.
Madly, adoringly, blindly, passionately.
You getting it?
Good. Now, the kiss.
Ah. My little English orchid.
Do you feel it?
See, that's it, Waldo.
"Yumph, yumph. " Like this:
There, that's it.
That's the real kind of "yumph. "
Do you get it?
Stop that.
Let go of her.
And you let go of him, you big ape.
I'm not no ape.
- What are you doing down there?
- We're rehearsing.
- Rehearsing.
Yeah, you see, this is Charlie.
Charlie Lodge. He's a movie director.
I'm not surprised at anything,
because I know I'm going to wake...
...and find that this has all been a dream.
- Come, let's get out of here.
- Yes.
- Waldo, where's your hat?
- Over here.
Why don't you stay
and join our little troupe?
You could be Lady Vere de Vere,
Irene's snooty sister...
...who is secretly a terrific drunk.
No, thank you, Mr. Lodge.
I believe that Waldo and Irene
are thoroughly bored by now. I know I am.
Oh, you consider yourself
above such childish make-believe?
Far above it, Mr. Lodge.
How is it up there? Pretty cool?
I know Irene and Waldo
don't think it's so hot.
I suppose you think
they prefer this sort of thing.
- This sort of thing?
- Adolescent bohemianism.
Sleeping all day, drinking all night.
Play-acting in garrets
dressed up in your mother's clothes.
- It's called being an individual, isn't it?
- Yeah, among other things.
Yes, I've known your type before.
You call black "white"
just to flatter your ego.
Order pistachio ice cream
when everyone else is eating vanilla.
- I like peppermint.
- You're trying very hard to be whimsical.
And you're really succeeding in giving
a very good imitation of a halfwit.
Well, I'm very sorry, Miss Agnew.
But you see, I've never had the advantages
that other little boys and girls had.
I never had a house like yours.
I never had anyone to tell me
what to eat and when to eat it...
...what to think and how to think it,
what to wear, whom to marry.
I never had anybody to live my life for me
but I've had a beautiful time.
And if that's being a halfwit,
I think I'll try to get rid of the other half.
Making fun of respectability
is the easiest form of wit, Mr. Lodge.
Come, Waldo. Wait a minute.
You can't go out on the street like that.
Look at your tie.
She's right. I'm for you, lady.
I love my wife.
- You should talk, you ain't seen your wife.
- I'm going home soon as I finish my beer.
- Come, Waldo. Irene.
- That's it. Run along, little puppies.
- Don't you dare call them puppies.
- Don't you tell me what to call anybody.
- I'm not Waldo.
- Thank heaven.
You're the most revolting,
cheap, four-flushing...
- Ah-ah-ah. Don't hit her.
- He'll answer to me if he does.
- If you were only a man.
- If you weren't a woman.
- Don't call that lady a woman.
- Margit, don't make a scene.
- I'm not making a scene.
- Now, who's acting like the ape?
- Yeah.
- Margit...
I've tried to be a lady, but I'm going to have
to put myself on your level to be understood.
You're the lowest, most contemptible...
You're beneath contempt.
You haven't enough character for that.
You dissolute, conceited...
Did you hear what she called me?
A vagrant.
"Yumph. "
Margit, isn't he wonderful?
You children must be very tired.
Go home and take a hot tub
and I'll meet you at the office at 10:30.
- I'd like a shower.
- Showers make your hair fall out.
Really, Margit, it's just a personal matter
with me. I'd like a shower.
No, a tub.
And be sure to wear a bathing cap.
Hello, darling.
- Feeling better?
- No.
Oh, it wasn't your fault.
You were obviously under the influence
of that rundown genius.
You know, I've been thinking.
I believe you two should be married
as soon as possible. Not wait until May.
Margit, the time has come...
- Whatever you say, Margit.
- Then I think perhaps next Sunday.
I'm afraid that'll be impossible.
- Impossible?
- Quite. I don't love Waldo anymore.
- But, darling...
- I have a right to love whom I please.
Then, whom would you love
except Waldo?
I'm in love with someone else.
Irene, who?
- Irene. Not that...
- That Charlie.
I'm insane about him.
Waldo, did you know about this?
No, but I can understand it.
He's got "yumph. "
He's got a monopoly on it.
To know Charlie is to love him.
Then you shouldn't have introduced them.
You knew of her silly dream
of wanting to be an actress.
And you deliberately bring her
in contact with a maniac...
...who calls himself a picture director,
who makes fantastic promises to her.
Irene, darling.
Irene, please be sane for once.
This man is only making a fool of you.
Waldo loves you.
Yes, if Waldo loved me, he wouldn't let me
get infatuated with Charlie.
Waldo, I'm afraid you're going
to have to assume a position.
Well, I can't force Irene to love me.
She'll have to decide that for herself.
Oh, if you only had one breath of...
- "Yumph. "
- Yes, "yumph," you'd tear his eyes out.
Instead of that,
you go with them on their orgies.
As a chaperon, I suppose.
Well, why should I lose Charlie's friendship
just because Irene loves him and not me?
The only thing to do
is to be philosophical about it.
- It is not. Where does this man live?
- In an empty lot right next to Spike's Place.
In a trailer. If you'll excuse me,
I can't keep my eyes open another minute.
It's an auto-trailer.
He doesn't have to pay any rent.
Thinks everybody ought to live
in an auto-trailer.
- Oh, he does?
- He calls it the covered wagon of the future.
He says that if...
That was sweet of you, Waldo.
- Oh, I didn't know you were awake.
- That's why it was sweet.
Yes, Irene?
Are you sure you don't mind
if I'm infatuated with Charlie?
- Irene?
- Yes, Waldo?
- No.
- No, what?
No, I don't guess I mind.
Just a minute.
- Who rang that gong?
- I did.
- But you mustn't. It's for the telephone.
- Telephone?
Well, yes, I get all my calls
over at Spike's Place.
Whenever they want me on the telephone,
they ring my gong. You mustn't.
It must waste quite a bit of time.
Oh, yes, I love to waste time.
That's why I got the trailer for.
Did you ever live in a trailer?
It's the only way to live.
Now, take you for example.
You live in a house.
Every morning you wake up, look out
the window, everything is the same.
Day in and day out.
That's the trouble with modern civilization.
It's so static.
What were you going to say?
- Would it make any difference?
- No.
Oh. Almost forgot.
How do you like it? Well, considering
it was done just from memory.
I started it this morning after you busted up
our little party over at Spike's Place.
Yes, you've got a very interesting face.
It's quite beautiful.
Yes, even more so than your sister.
And she's very gorgeous,
but your face has more character.
There's a certain aloofness.
Yes, there's a sense of repression.
You know, if I could just prevail
upon you to pose for me...
I don't want my portrait done, Mr. Lodge.
Least of all by you.
Well, then, what did you wake me up for?
You smoke too much.
That's my business.
Miss Agnew, I'm afraid your attitude
toward me is a little bit...
...well, pardon the expression, sharp.
It'll be sharper presently.
- What have you done to my sister?
- You mean generally or specifically?
You may think she's in love with you
but she's temporarily infatuated.
I haven't the foggiest
what you're talking about.
You needn't lie, Mr. Lodge.
I've just come from Irene
and she's confessed everything.
She's conf...
Oh, I see.
Well, all right,
suppose I am in love with Irene?
- Suppose she's in love with me?
- I'm very sorry but I can't permit it.
Irene's happiness is the most
important thing in the world to me.
You'd make her miserable,
you'd ruin her life. I'll not stand for it.
Now, see here, Miss Margit
of Margit Incorporated... can't dictate to love.
- I'm not interested in love.
- Well, you should be.
A woman as intelligent
and beautiful as you are.
- Let me tell you something about love.
- You needn't bother, Mr. Lodge.
Love is a strange thing.
And it takes one of two courses.
Either the people
like each other enormously...
...or they pretend
to dislike each other enormously.
Now, when I first realized
that I was in love, with Irene of course...
...why, we were sitting right here.
She was sitting there
and I was sitting here.
And then we spoke of love.
It was very strange. We were sitting here
just as you and I are now.
Looking into each other's eyes
just as you and I are now.
Mr. Lodge,
I appeal to you as a gentleman.
Oh, I'm afraid you've got me confused
with somebody else.
I'm a vagrant.
Then, I order you, I forbid you to have any
further communication with my sister.
My dear Miss Agnew,
you can't forbid me anything.
I warn you,
my patience is not inexhaustible.
Well, neither is mine.
After all, a man's home is his castle
even if it is on wheels.
You come barging in here
at this unearthly hour.
You wake me up by banging on my gong,
scatter cigarette stubs all over my place...
...and then you order me about
as if I were one of Spike's waiters.
All right,
I'll act like one of Spike's waiters.
The boss says the lawn needs watering.
That's what I wanna do yesterday...
...but she no let me
on account it was supposed to rain.
She told me to tell you the paper today
says fair and warmer, no rain.
She wants you to water the lawn.
Mr. Keough.
The automatic eggs is ready,
three minutes each.
But I must speak to Mrs. Bly.
I'm sure Mrs. Bly
would want to be called.
I don't care whether she came in
five minutes ago.
Very well, ask her to call me
when she gets up.
Your eggs, Miss Agnew.
- Shall I call Miss Irene and Mr. Beaver?
- No, let them sleep.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Somebody in this house has got to sleep.
Yes, ma'am.
- Keough.
- Yes, Miss Agnew.
- How good a policeman were you?
- Best on the force, Miss Agnew.
- Crooked politics rung me out. You see...
- Some other time.
I think you can help me.
Remember the man with the beret
and the noisy car?
I've every reason to believe
that he's a dangerous criminal.
- His name is Charles Lodge.
- Phony name.
- Now, I wanna find out all about this man.
- I understand, Miss Agnew.
- You understand what?
- Blackmail.
He's somebody you used to know.
You wrote some letters
you wish you hadn't.
I did nothing of the sort.
Kindly don't jump to conclusions.
Don't worry. A detective is like a doctor,
he's not allowed to tell all he knows.
There's nothing to know.
Now, find out all about him.
Shadow him night and day.
Check the lunatic asylums,
he's probably missing from one of them.
I want to know every move he makes.
- Understand?
- You bet I understand.
You couldn't get a better man
for this job.
- You were the best on the force, Keough?
- Yes, Miss Agnew.
My, my.
How we all missed being killed
in our sleep.
Hello. I'd like to speak
to Mr. Charles Lodge, please.
Just a moment. I'll call him.
Hold the line. He'll be right over.
Left hand. It goes in the...
- Oh, I'm sorry, Moe.
- Good morning.
How are you, Slim? Morning, Spike.
- Had your breakfast yet?
- No, I haven't.
- How'd you sleep, Charlie?
- Oh, swell, swell.
- Hello?
- Hello, Mr. Lodge?
This is Margit Agnew speaking.
I am calling about my compact.
I must have forgotten it yesterday.
Ha-ha. No, Miss Agnew.
You didn't forget your compact
yesterday or any other day.
Why would I be calling you if hadn't?
Well, you probably wanna see me again.
As a matter of fact, I do want to see you.
What time will it be convenient?
Oh, why don't you slip over
and have a dash of breakfast with me?
I've had my breakfast. Ten shall we say?
Let's make it 10:01. Goodbye.
- Oh, well, good morning, good morning.
- Good morning.
- Come in. Let me take your umbrella.
- Thank you.
- Won't you take off your raincoat?
- Thank you, no.
No? You must have some of this spaghetti.
It's simply unparalleled.
Not for breakfast.
I eat normal digestible food.
Well, it's awfully nice. Spike sent it over.
He cooked it himself.
It's lost a little of its curl
but that's on account of the rain.
Oh, here, have a chair, won't you?
Will you join me in a cup of coffee
just for company?
- No, thank you.
- No?
- Well, you don't mind if I go on with mine?
- Certainly not.
Mr. Lodge, are you really in love
with my sister?
Why, yes, probably.
How do you mean probably?
Miss Agnew, I'll be very frank with you.
I suppose I'm what you would call a cad.
You know, I find it awfully difficult
to resist a beautiful girl.
- It's a kind of disease with me, you see?
- Let's stick to the point, Mr. Lodge.
I want you to stay away from my sister.
I think I can make it worth your while.
Oh, you mean you think
that I can be bought off?
I imagine that you'd be amenable
to a cash settlement.
On the contrary, Miss Agnew.
You may think it very strange,
but we blackguards are rather sentimental.
I remember men in our regiment
who'd ride out across the sands...
...against the Arabs
to face a certain horrible death...
...carrying a rose in their teeth.
I seem to see you with spaghetti.
Well, you misjudge me, Miss Agnew.
However, I do have a price. Mmm.
I thought so. What is it?
Well, you see, I've always had an idea...
...that given the proper subject,
I could paint a really fine portrait.
Now, I'm sure that under the inspiration
of you and your hate...
...I could paint
as I've never painted before.
Well, I hate you.
What's your proposition?
Just this, I'll never see your sister again
if you'll just pose for me.
- Pose for you?
- Yes.
You mean, in the...
In the morning or afternoon, doesn't matter.
The morning light is better.
- Just a portrait of your head.
- But you've already made a picture of me.
That was no good. Your face
is too elusive to be painted from memory.
- How long will it take?
- Oh, well, how should I know?
Now, take Correggio. Correggio spent
20 years in painting a portrait of his wife.
Had three children
by the time it was finished.
- Coreggio was never married.
- No, of course not.
The bounder. I was thinking of Whistler.
Whistler never made a portrait
of his wife.
No, I meant his mother.
Oh, dear, so sorry.
I'm afraid I can't give up the time.
- Well, I'm giving up your sister.
- How can I be sure you'll keep your word?
I give you my personal guarantee
that after I work on you for one month...
...I'll forget Irene completely.
Couldn't spare a month. Two weeks.
I don't think I could forget her
in two weeks.
Let's split the difference.
Make it three.
- Very well, three weeks.
- Good.
- When do we start?
- Oh, we've started.
If you please.
Now, if I may.
Yes, you see, it isn't the portrait itself
that takes so much time.
It's getting the proper background.
Now, I seem to see you...
I seem to see you in a valley.
No, no, no, on a hilltop.
Yes, on a hilltop
with your hair blowing in the breeze.
On second thought, a beach.
Your hair would blow better on a beach.
- What were you going to say?
- Nothing.
Oh, don't you wanna talk
about something?
Do you take dope?
Ooh! Ooh!
Now, you see the advantages of a trailer?
This morning on the sea,
this afternoon in the woods...
...and tonight... How's the scaloppine?
Fine. Maybe it's because I'm hungry.
Bet this is the first time
you've eaten a sandwich with ants.
Maybe that's what tastes good.
I know I don't like scaloppine.
Maybe it's the Girl Scout in you.
I used to love the woods
when I was little girl.
Bet you were a charming little girl. Uh-oh.
- Are you a freckler?
- What?
A freckler. Do you freckle easily?
You know, you'd look cute with freckles.
So would Irene.
- I must bring her out here some time.
- You can't.
Oh, gosh. That's right, I forgot.
Gee, that's too bad.
What a romantic spot.
Brings out the sheik in me.
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou. Ha.
I'll bet Omar Khyyam never topped this
with his verses underneath the bough.
Look at these boughs, like fine filigree lace
in delicate greens and browns.
Oh, dear, dear.
Gee, it seems almost sacrilegious
for two people to be out here alone...
...and not in love with each other,
doesn't it?
Did you say yes?
Well, I mean, I can understand
two people being carried away... an atmosphere, that is
if they have anything in common.
Really, I must be getting back.
Not in my covered wagon.
I'm gonna take a nap after lunch
under a tree. Under that one right there.
- Well, how will I get back?
- Walk.
In addition to being the most unhealthy...'re easily the most treacherous man
I've ever known.
I excel at everything I attempt.
Have some more gorgonzola.
I hate gorgonzola.
The pearl of cheeses.
I'll bet you freckle too.
Ha-ha. Cute.
It's very nice
to have you around, Keough.
I can save you a lot of wear and tear
on your shoe leather.
Yeah? How?
I'll call you up every night at 9:00
at Kew Gardens.
Give you a detailed account
of my movements.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Right now I'm going in
to see Miss Margit.
Oh, thank you.
- Would you like a cigar?
- Yes, sir, thank you.
My pleasure. Well, toodle-loo.
Toodle-loo, sir.
Wise guy.
Well, Miss Margit's at the radio station now
giving her style broadcast.
- She'll be back shortly.
- Mm.
- Would you like to wait?
- I should be enchant.
Right over here.
Maybe you'd like to hear her
on the radio now.
With the greatest of plaisir.
She ought to be on any minute now.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Don't mention it.
Felice, it's off again.
- What's off again?
- The wedding.
I called up Judge Blynn,
told him to postpone.
Agnew told me to.
There'll never be a ceremony.
There's more likely to be a scandal.
A nice, ripe, juicy mess.
A scandal about Miss Margit?
You're crazy.
I've always suspected
she and Beaver...
- Are you trying to suggest...?
- What else?
Hasn't he been living there for years?
Pretending to be engaged to Irene
so no one would suspect.
- Why she arranged to marry him off.
- I don't believe it.
And I'm ashamed of you
for even trying to suggest such a thing.
Voil. Pardon?
Gracias, senorita.
What can I do for you?
Just stand still one moment.
Good morning,
friends. Spring is just around the corner...
All skulls are divided
into two main classifications:
- Dolichocephalic and Brachycephalic.
- Brachyceph...?
It's not generally known...
...that the human skull
is divided into 22 separate bones.
Oh, Waldo.
Gentlemen, will you excuse us a moment?
What happened?
How did you get in here?
Assault and battery,
but fortunately the bail is trifling.
Just a hundred dollars.
Now, when you pay it...
What makes you think
I'm going to pay it?
After the brutal and treacherous way
in which you've been behaving.
What, what?
You can do anything you like to me,
but you can't hurt Irene.
Hurt Irene?
I haven't even seen her over a week.
Well, that's just it.
You can't do that to her.
Waldo, I have a very important engagement
this afternoon at 4.
It's someone whose portrait I'm painting.
A stickler for promptness.
As a matter of fact,
Irene asked me to come.
She wants to see you.
She's waiting for you.
- Where?
- At your trailer.
- She can't.
- She is.
- Waldo, get me out of here quick.
- Then you will see her?
Yes, if we get there before 4.
- Hello, Charlie.
- Hello, Irene.
- How are you? I'm glad to see you.
- Waldo's waiting in the car.
What's he doing there?
- You better not keep him waiting.
- When we gonna rehearse?
Oh, soon, very soon.
You promised to go over
those scenes.
Yes, I know. But I'm acting
in the best interests of everybody.
- Now it's...
- But, Charlie, you promised.
I'll call you and explain everything.
Now scram.
- Say, are you trying to get rid of me?
- Irene, how could you think that?
Oh, dear, I beg your pardon.
Well, here you are. Right on the dot.
Miss Agnew, I have every reason to believe
that this is going to be my masterpiece.
That's what I think of your masterpiece.
- Get off my car.
- Why did you break my painting?
- Because you broke your word.
- I did not.
- I saw Irene coming out of your trailer.
- I can explain.
- I can explain everything.
- Will you, or will you not get off my car?
I will not.
Officer. This man is drunk.
- Officer, I can explain everything.
- Oh, a red, eh?
- Come on.
- Hey, wait a minute.
It's a frame-up,
that's what it is.
Miss Agnew's residence. Who?
Keough ain't in just now.
This is Mrs. Keough.
Say, will you please tell him
that I had tea this afternoon...
...with Miss Irene at the Normandy.
And you might also tell him
that Mr. Beaver refused to join us.
Well, that's all.
Thank you.
Well, hello.
Decided to join us after all, huh?
No, I'm not here socially.
Margit asked me to look you up.
I thought she gave orders
that I was to be avoided.
This is business.
She wants to see you at the dress shop.
- Mrs. Bly will be there too.
- Mrs. Bly, that name sounds familiar.
- What's she gonna be there for?
- A witness.
When Margit unmasks you.
Oh, I see. An unveiling, huh?
- Waldo.
- What?
Sit down.
- I'm gonna tell you something.
- Well, Irene's waiting in there for you.
Let her wait. It's a good thing
to keep a woman waiting.
But not too long.
Now, you've kept Irene
waiting for four years.
First, you let her mother
pick you out for her.
Then you let Margit
supervise your whole courtship.
And then, up pops a rival.
And what do you do?
Like a noble, unmitigated ass,
you lay down.
I lie down.
You lay down, instead of fighting.
Women don't like
noble, self-sacrificing men.
Women are not civilized like we are.
They like bloodshed.
They like forceful men like me.
Well, we're just different types, Charlie.
Oh, that doesn't make any difference.
It's the way you talk,
it's the way you stand.
The way you sit, the way you look.
Now, you look at a woman
as if she had an overcoat on.
Well, sometimes they do.
Well, forget the overcoat.
Now look, watch me.
When you enter a room, take possession.
Like this:
Yes, but why do you step aside?
Make me move.
Well, that wouldn't be very polite.
Oh, forget that. Now, come on, try it.
Now, enter. Get it?
Yeah. Yes, but look, Waldo.
Put your heels down like heels, not eggs.
Your carriage should have a certain
joie de vivre.
- Yeah.
- You see?
Now, give it some verve,
give it some dash.
Wait a minute. Smile.
Well, I am smiling.
That's not a smile. This is a smile:
No, no, no, man.
You don't have to use
your whole mouth to look happy.
- Well, I don't feel happy.
- Well, come now, buck up. Now.
I beg your pardon, sir.
And there you have it.
Oh, Charlie, it's too late now.
I've lost Irene.
You fool. You haven't lost her.
Will you do exactly what I tell you?
Well, what do you want me to do?
I'll go back in there to her.
- Presently, you come in.
- Yeah.
Walk straight up to our table.
If she greets you,
don't pay any attention to her.
- You come right over to me and say...
- Yeah?
- Say, "Look here, Lodge. Get to your feet. "
- Yeah.
- I'll get up and say, "Well?"
- Yeah.
That's all the dialogue there is.
Then you sock me.
A good, stiff poke in the chin,
but not too hard.
- But make it look good.
- And then what?
Then you grab Irene.
Take her if you've got to carry her out.
If she fights, so much the better.
Now, you got it?
All right, let's try it.
Come on now, here you come.
Look here, Lodge, get to your feet.
But, Waldo, you've got to put
something into it. You got to give.
Look here, Lodge, get to your feet.
That's it, now you've got it.
That's it exactly.
You're a primitive man,
yowling for his mate.
Say, it's in the bag.
Now, in about two minutes.
Look here, Lodge, get to your feet.
Get to your feet.
- Get to your feet.
- Who me?
Oh, no, sir.
Do you really think
I'm in love with Waldo?
Aren't you?
If Waldo were you, I would be.
You know, deep down inside,
he's very much like me.
Oh, he's changed a lot lately.
You know, I have a funny idea.
I don't know why...
...but somehow I have a feeling
that he's on his way here, right now.
Maybe he's coming here to kill you.
Maybe we should creep out.
- There he is.
- What?
And I think you're right.
Hello, Waldo. Are your ears burning?
No, it's cold outside.
Hello, Waldo.
Look here, Lodge. Get to your feet.
I said, "Well?"
I forgot to tell you.
Your appointment with Margit
at the dress shop is for 7:00.
Mr. Flint, where's that report?
Mrs. Bly is here now.
I didn't come here to look at a report.
I came here to look at a man.
Where is this combination of Casanova,
Julius Caesar and Bluebeard?
Wherever he is,
he should've been here 20 minutes ago.
Oh, pardon me just one moment.
Come in.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Mrs. Bly, permit me to introduce...
- Stonewall.
Why didn't you tell me
it was Charlie Horse?
- Charlie Horse?
- Certainly.
- Then he's an Indian.
- Well, I'll say.
- He told me his name was Lodge.
- Well, it is Lodge.
I told you that my name was Lodge,
but you insisted upon calling me Horse.
Well, you said I could call you Horse,
if I'd let you call me Stonewall Jackson.
For the sake of my sanity,
you two have met before?
Paris, April,
the happiest month of my life.
- What about...
- Tell her about it, Charlie.
What... Excuse me.
You see, I was a professional guide
in Paris at the time.
I used to show people
through the sewers.
I can think of no one better qualified.
- Well, how have you been?
- I've been fine, Charlie, and you?
Oh, well, need you ask it?
You look like the very breath of spring.
I'll try to make this as brief as possible.
Margit, you smoke too much.
You swore to me
you'd never see Irene again.
In spite of that, you had dinner with her
Wednesday at the Lafayette.
You had tea with her this afternoon
at the Normandy.
You've been leading her astray
with false promises.
You promised to get her a film career.
You promised her
a Japanese butler and a Negro chauffeur.
You promised her a home in Beverly Hills
somewhere on a hilltop.
Can you give her these things?
No, you haven't a penny.
Have you gotten her a film contract? No.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Margit, you smoke too much.
Mr. Flint says the report's ready.
- Tell him to come in at once.
- Yes, ma'am.
Too much smoking will ruin your heart.
It's my heart. I'll ruin it if I wish.
But if you're to be my sister-in-law...
Mr. Lodge... January, 1931, you were in Paris.
From there, you went to Monte Carlo.
And on February 2nd of that year,
you were in Berlin.
Was that a crime?
While you were in Monte Carlo,
you gambled night and day.
- Do you deny that?
- No.
- Why did you do it?
- I wanted to win.
- Why did you leave for Berlin in a hurry?
- Because I won.
That won't do any good. I have a copy.
Oh. Oh, so have I. And it's more complete.
If you really want the story of my life,
I'd be glad to oblige.
With the details,
and they're very interesting.
- Mr. Flint refuses to come in here.
- He what?
He says he can't come in
as long as this gentleman is present.
Is he out of his mind?
Oh, so, you know my bookkeeper too.
I suppose you call him
Martha Washington.
No, but we've met.
This gentleman conked... I mean, punched.
- Mr. Flint for saying things about you.
- Things, what things?
- Oh, awful things.
Flint said that Mr. Beaver
was more than just a boarder at your house.
He insinuated
that you and Mr. Beaver were...
- Well, you know.
- Mr. Flint said that?
Oh, yes, he did, Miss Agnew.
And then this gentleman
knocked him down.
Flint called the police,
and they arrested this gentleman.
Well, it was nice of you
to come to my defense like that.
Oh, shucks. It weren't nothing.
Anyone in my place
would have did the same.
Well, I can't understand why Mr. Flint
would say things like that about me.
Well, maybe he's in love with you.
You know, people in love
often go out of the way to hurt.
Even people of your type.
Have you somebody you love?
- That's my business.
- Ah-ha. You have somebody.
I didn't say I had anybody.
"That's my business"
means you have somebody.
Mr. Lodge, we're not here
to discuss my affairs.
- What have you got to say for yourself?
- Who, me?
Well, simply that I'm going to marry Irene
and take her to Hollywood.
I may not be all that I should be...
...but when a man loves like I do...
...he can be made completely over
by a good wife.
It's Irene who needs a good husband.
She could never make you into one.
Margit, why don't you
marry him yourself?
He's in love with Irene, not me.
Mrs. Bly. You must be out of your mind.
People say what they mean
when they're out of their minds.
Oh, there you are, eh? Don't you move.
Miss Agnew, I've found her.
- Found who?
- His wife.
You did? Why, Keough, you're not bad.
There, you see?
Look at him, standing there.
Just as if nothing had happened.
- Well, nothing has happened.
- Oh, you big bigamist.
You talk about marrying my sister
when you have a wife already.
But we've been divorced.
Why, I didn't even know
that Claire was in town.
- Say, where is she staying?
- Waldorf Terrace, Mr. Lodge.
- Could you get her on the phone for me?
- Yeah.
She's a fine woman, Margit.
I want you to meet her.
Suite 311, please.
Well, I wonder if she's had dinner?
- Mrs. Lodge? Just a minute.
- Oh, thanks, Keough.
Hello, Claire. How are you, darling?
This is Charlie.
Charlie. Charlie Lodge.
I used to be your husband, remember?
Well, how are you, dear?
Say, you know the funniest thing.
I was thinking about you just this morning.
I was looking at a picture of a tiger
in some magazine.
It made me think of the time
we were hunting in Africa.
We got lost and had to spend the night in
a tree because you were afraid of snakes.
And you insisted upon coming down.
You said you'd feel safer
with the snakes, remember?
Well, where you having dinner, dear?
Oh, no, no, no, you be my guest.
All right, all right, darling.
I'll be right over and get you.
All right, sweet. Goodbye.
Oh, magnificent woman.
I met her in Bangkok.
It was the rainy season.
Oh, well, I guess I gotta be going.
I'll look you up, Stonewall.
- Goodbye, darling.
- Goodbye.
Oh, excuse me. Well, toodle-loo.
- Shall I have Mr. Flint come in now?
- No, tell him I'll see him tomorrow.
You may go, Felice.
- Leave some aspirin on your desk for me.
- Yes, Miss Agnew.
The way I come to find out about his wife
was very funny.
A friend of mine works in a lawyer's office
and he was telling me tha...
You may report tomorrow, Keough.
Tell Mrs. Keough to leave some aspirin
by my bed.
Aspirin, yes, ma'am.
I'm sort of confused, Mrs. Bly.
Something's happened to me.
Oh, that's all right, baby.
Don't let it get you down.
It happens to everyone.
- What?
- It.
- We're not talking about the same thing.
- Oh, yes, we are.
I never dreamed I could hate anyone
the way I hated him.
When I was rude to him,
I enjoyed every minute of it.
That was in the beginning.
But the ruder I got,
the more considerate he got.
- He's a terrible man, an awful man.
- Horrible.
If I had a daughter and she fell in love
with him, I'd wring her neck.
But I'd envy her. A liar and a horse thief.
And you've fallen in love with him.
Say, you smoke too much.
My good man, you may wait.
Yes, sir.
Stonewall, hey.
Stonewall, come on.
- Up you get.
- Oh, get out of here.
Come on now, upsy-daisy. Come on.
- Oochy, koochy, koochy...
- Hey, what's the idea?
- Charlie Horse.
- Stonewall.
- Get me water, quick.
- Do I burn?
Oh, and how.
Say, I'm glad you're here.
I have something I wanna tell you,
young man.
- Me too.
- Okay, shoot.
- No, you first.
- No, you.
- No, you.
- Charlie.
- Stonewall.
- I don't know whether you're worth it.
Ten to one, you're not,
But I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Come on over here.
I can't see so far away in the morning.
Come on over here.
Say, you're acting like an awful sap.
Do you know it?
- Think so?
- Yes, I do.
Well, maybe you're right.
- You kind of like her, don't you?
- I'm nuts about her.
Sure. You wouldn't be
my Charlie Horse, if you weren't.
- She's nuts about you too.
- Oh, I know that.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- That's what I stopped in to tell you.
I wanted to invite you to my wedding.
I'm marrying Margit at 3 this afternoon.
Yes, sir.
I'm marrying Irene at 3:00 this afternoon.
You're marrying Irene
at 3:00 this afternoon?
- That's right, 3:00.
- This afternoon?
Yes, this afternoon.
- Haven't you something to say to that?
- Look here, Lodge.
I congratulate you.
- Oh, yes, thanks, Waldo.
- You're a very lucky man.
Yes, yes.
Irene is certainly a marvelous girl.
Only you're not in love with her.
Well, well...
Well, of course, it just happens
that she's in love with me.
Yes, but... I mean...
- You will come to the wedding?
- Well, of course, I'll come.
I guess. If I'm invited.
Oh, you're invited.
- How would you like to be best man?
- Well, thanks, Charlie.
- That's mighty generous of you.
- Not at all, Waldo.
The ceremony is at 3:00.
- Three o'clock.
- Yes, 3:00 sharp.
- Sharp.
- And, Waldo, don't be late.
Don't be late.
Oh, and, Waldo.
Don't take anything to drink, will you?
Waldo, you know, you're a very
different person when you drink.
And Irene and I don't want a scene.
- Hello, Irene.
- Hello, Waldo.
I'm glad you haven't left yet.
I was just waiting for the taxi.
- I wanted to see you before you left.
- What did you want to see me about?
Why, I guess
I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Well, goodbye, Waldo.
- Goodbye, Irene.
- Is that all, Waldo?
- Irene.
Yes, Waldo?
Would you kiss me goodbye?
Taxi is waiting, Miss Irene.
My, it hardly took the taxi
any time at all to get here.
Well, you see, it's only two
and seven-tenths miles to the taxi stand.
Well, see you.
See you in church.
Look here, Keough. Get to...
- Have we any whisky in the house?
- Only for medicinal purposes.
Well, I'm sick.
Mrs. Lodge, would you mind telling me
the grounds for your divorce?
Desertion, Miss Agnew.
- What do you mean by that?
- By what?
- Ah.
- It's as I expected.
That Charlie was a vile monster,
cruel and sadistic.
Who tormented his wife until
he grew tired of her and then left her flat.
- Is that it?
- Roughly.
No, Miss Agnew.
I'm afraid the fault was mostly mine.
You see, Charlie hadn't a penny
when I married him.
- And I had scads of money.
- He married you for your money.
Oh, not at all. He left me for my money.
That is, on account of my money.
He insisted upon my living in the style
to which he was accustomed.
And all Charlie had in the world
was an auto-trailer.
And he wanted me to live in it
and follow the birds.
Well, I couldn't see that.
Of course,
I offered to compromise on a yacht.
But he couldn't see that.
In fact, he wanted me to give away all
my money so we could start from scratch.
Well, I refused to give all my money away,
so we parted company.
But there are some things
money can't buy.
That's a bit of gypsy philosophy
he taught you.
You see, Miss Agnew,
I wanted to make Charlie over to suit me.
I wanted a well-ordered life,
with breakfast at 8, and cold showers.
Everything loathsome to a man like Charlie.
If you wanna keep Charlie in love
with you, don't try to change him.
Just make up your mind
you're in an asylum.
And married to the head lunatic.
Laugh with him, cry with him.
But don't try to destroy
the thing about him that you love him for.
There's nothing I love him for.
Not one solitary thing.
- Why, aren't you in love with him?
- Certainly not.
- Then you aren't going to marry him?
- Oh, don't be absurd.
Well, that's very funny...
...because he asked me
to come to his wedding this afternoon.
At 3:00.
- Oh.
- At his trailer.
- Yes, who is it?
- Open the door at once.
Hello. Come in.
For once your door wasn't wide open.
Is it a guilty conscience?
No, no, I was busy.
I just didn't wanna be disturbed.
Well, you're going to be disturbed,
Oh, Irene is with you.
If you're hiding her,
why didn't you hide her luggage too?
I'm not hiding her. She's gone shopping.
Now, now, please don't get excited,
Miss Agnew.
Irene's presence here is no secret.
I sent for her.
I've even invited Waldo to be best man.
Now, let's sit down and talk things over,
like rational human beings.
- Sit down, please.
- Irene left the house without a word to me.
- Not even goodbye.
- Well, she's afraid of you.
You've got her buffaloed. But not me.
I've acted honorably in every respect.
You haven't.
Why the very minute that my back was
turned you rushed down to my ex-wife.
- Who told you?
- Keough.
- Keough?
- Yes, Keough.
I've got an agreement with him.
I give him a report of my movements.
And in exchange,
he gives me a report on your movements.
Sit down, please.
Besides, Claire phoned me
the instant that you left her.
Now, there's a real woman.
And she's very fond of me.
Then why did you leave her?
No responsible man
would ever do such a thing.
Only responsible men do do such things.
Claire and I didn't get along,
we separated. What's wrong with that?
- What should I have done? Killed her?
- You shouldn't have married.
How can I know that in advance?
One should know everything
in advance, plan accordingly.
One should know nothing in advance,
plan accordingly.
You see, Miss Agnew, we differ.
And I'm very sorry,
from the bottom of my heart.
I'm not interested
in the bottom of your heart.
And don't be polite.
Miss Agnew.
Abuse me if you will, but do sit down.
I won't.
Oh, Miss Agnew, Miss Agnew.
Please don't cry.
I'm not crying.
But I don't want you to cry, Margit.
It's not you, it's Irene.
I wanted so for her to be happy and safe.
That's all I've worked and planned for.
And you, what are you going to do?
That woman said
you didn't have a penny.
Where will you go?
Well, I figure on Hollywood.
Where will you get money for traveling?
- Oh, I don't need any, I've got the trailer.
- But how will you live?
Don't worry about that.
I've got plenty of money.
I've hocked things and sold things.
You see, I had a fur coat.
Oh, a beautiful fur coat,
lined with opossum.
I bought it in London.
Oh, it was a showpiece.
It opened all doors to me.
I paid 50 pounds for it.
- What did you get for it?
- Twenty dollars.
Twenty dollars?
Why, what's the matter?
Could you have gotten more?
Of course.
Well, I guess the next time
I better go to you first, huh?
What else did you sell?
Well, once upon a time...
...there was a beautiful dress suit
with six, stunning white waistcoats.
I hocked all those.
Oh, yes, and also once upon a time
there was a gold watch with a double case.
A genuine Swiss watch, made by Copek,
Stopek, and Stopek, Geneva.
Oh, it was a beautiful watch.
It struck the hours so softly,
so gently, so appealingly.
Like a dainty little silver bell.
Ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding
Oh, it was a lovely watch. But I sold it.
In spite of Copek, Stopek,
and Stopek, Geneva.
What are you going to do
when you haven't anything left to pawn?
Well, then, I suppose
I'll have to sell one of my paintings.
You mean,
you can sell one of your paintings?
Oh, sure, I sell them very easily.
But I hate to.
You know, every time I sell one of them,
I regret it.
Someday, I'm gonna
buy them all back again.
You see, nobody loves my paintings
as much as I do.
Each one has been a little part of my life.
And I like to keep all my life with me
all the time.
I bet you think I'm a fool.
No, you're not a fool. I guess.
Oh, dear.
Oh, Irene, come in, darling.
- Well...
- Oh, Margit.
Oh, Margit, I didn't...
I meant to send you a telegram, really.
I told you that she was afraid of you.
Here, let me take your flowers, dear.
- Oh, Margit.
- There's no need for you to be afraid of me.
I've no authority over you whatsoever.
I've come to ask you to come home.
One minute, Margit.
- The time has come...
- Please, I'm handling this.
It's my duty to you and Waldo
to make this final attempt.
Waldo and I will forget what you've done.
- Now, come home.
- No, Margit, I can't.
It's too late now for that.
It's too late now for anything.
Oh, everything's all mussed up.
Darling, I guarantee you
that Waldo will forgive you.
- Well, I'm not willing to forgive him.
- Forgive him?
- Waldo's done nothing.
- That's just it.
He's perfectly willing to see me
go off with another man.
Maybe he's even glad.
May I make a suggestion?
If it's going to hurt so terribly
for us to go so far away...
...we could stay here and be close to you.
- Yes, Margit, please.
I don't want your pity.
There's something fishy about it.
Oh, now that's unjust.
If we stayed here,
you could look after your little sister.
Come on now, come and live with us
and share our happiness.
I'd just love to have you live with me.
With us.
Oh, that's absurd.
But you wanted to live
with Waldo and me, didn't you?
- Yes, but...
- But you object to sharing a roof with me...
...even the roof of a trailer.
- I do.
- Why?
Well, because.
- Irene.
- Yes?
- Did you pack your winter underwear?
- No, I won't need it in Hollywood.
Your tweed suit and your hot-water bottle
and mother's picture?
Well, Irene, I give up.
I withdraw my objection.
- Well, that's fine, isn't it?
- Yes, isn't it?
But what about me being a grasshopper?
- I'm resigned to that.
- Oh, what about your duty?
I've done my duty.
Irene has made her decision.
I can't interfere.
The only thing to do
is be philosophical about it.
Hello, everybody.
- Hi, Charlie Horse.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello, there, Margit. Hello, Irene.
- Oh, dear, dear, what lovely roses.
- Don't tell me I'm too late.
- No, you're too early.
Just set them right down there if you...
Say, you're very a lucky guy.
Very lucky.
Oh, don't be so cocky, babe.
You're doing all right yourself.
I finally accepted the inevitable.
- Oh, there's the telephone.
- No, I rang it.
- But you mustn't.
- Somebody might congratulate me.
What are you looking so glum about?
Mrs. Bly, it wasn't too easy for me
to consent to Irene's marrying Mr. Lodge.
Wait a minute.
Charlie Horse. You're marrying...?
- Oh. Well, what's holding things up?
- We're waiting for Waldo.
- Waldo, the worm.
- Look here, Lodge.
Get to your feet.
I think you've had enough, sonny.
Hello, everybody. Hello, Mr. Lodge.
How are you?
You haven't met Mrs. Keough, have you?
We talked over the telephone.
Keough, what are you doing here?
Well, Mr. Lodge
invited us to the wedding.
- I ain't had a day off in four weeks.
- Five weeks.
Dear, what lovely flowers.
Somebody get me a vase.
- Here, I'll get one.
- Several vases.
A bathtub would come in handy.
- It begins to look more like a hothouse.
- Or a nuthouse.
Hello, everybody.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.
The winner.
Boys, that certainly is mighty nice of you.
How do I look?
- Like a horse.
- Charlie Horse.
Charlie Horse.
Well, here goes.
Hey, what's the matter?
Ain't I supposed to kiss the bride?
- I'm not the bride, you ape.
- There you go again, calling me an ape.
I ain't no ape!
- Who is the bride?
- Well, I'm not.
- Hello.
- Look who's here.
- Well, hello, everybody.
- Are you the bride?
Not this time. Who are you?
Oh, getting tough, eh? Who are you?
Oh, just a moment. Excuse me.
Hello, Claire.
I'm glad you're here, darling.
Oh, well, it's about time that everybody
gets introduced to everybody.
This is Claire Lodge, my ex-wife.
And the finest ex-wife
any fellow ever had.
Up to this moment
you've been feeding drinks to a mouse.
A noble, unmitigated mouse.
But from now on, I'm a lion.
Look here, lion. Get to your feet.
Primitive man, yowling for his mate.
Hey, come on, fellas, the judge is here.
Come on, get going. Hurry up, get going.
For he's a jolly good fellow
- Say, what is this, a raid?
- No, it's a wedding.
Come on, you're all invited.
One, two.
You've even arranged for the music.
How nice.
You know, my dear,
it's been postponed so much...
...I was beginning to think
I wouldn't have the pleasure.
But where is Mr. Beaver?
He doesn't seem to be here.
I don't think he's coming.
Not coming?
You mean the wedding
is to be postponed again?
My sister's getting married to Mr. Lodge.
- Oh, dear.
- Well, what's the matter with him?
Well, I have always been given
to understand...
...that Mr. Beaver was to marry Irene.
Judge Blynn, will you get on
with the wedding, please?
- Whose wedding is this, anyway?
- There's no reason for waiting longer.
Let's get it over with.
Right this way, folks. Get your hot dogs.
Will the bride and gloom... Groom.
- Please join hands?
- Charlie.
- Yes, dear?
Wrong hand.
Oh, oh.
- Yes, dear.
- Now this is a very serious step.
Oh, just a minute, my hands are dirty.
I can't get married with dirty hands.
No, I better wash them.
Irene fell in love with them dirty,
she can marry them dirty.
Now, there you are,
still trying to run people.
- I'm getting impatient, Mr. Lodge.
- You've always been impatient.
Are you trying to make a fool
out of my sister?
This is my wedding.
You weren't even invited.
Judge Blynn, go on with the ceremony.
Now, if you're quite sure...
If you're quite sure.
Oh, Charlie, I haven't any flowers.
I can't get married without flowers.
Of course you can't. Will somebody
run out and pick some flowers?
- Here.
- We can't be married with bachelor buttons.
No. You'd have two bridegrooms
and no bride.
- I always used lilies.
- Why not pansies?
Yes, pansies. We'll send out for some.
- Boy.
- This is a fine time to think of etiquette.
Oh, well. Just cancel those pansies.
Now, if you're quite sure that... I'm sorry.
If you're quite sure
there's nothing else, we'll start.
Stop. I'm not going to be married
without a best man.
- No.
- It's too lonely.
We'll get you a best man.
That ape should suit you fine.
I'm warning you.
Maybe we better choose a best man.
Who wants to be best man?
I do.
Oh, dear, well
this is very embarrassing.
I don't know which of you to choose.
Oh, I know, I've got it, I've got it.
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Mr. Lodge.
- Catch a...
This is not at all necessary.
Judge Blynn, proceed.
Marriage is an holy estate, and each of...
Oh, thank you.
Wait here.
Now, do you take this man
for your lawful wedded husband?
- It is customary for the bride...
- Judge Blynn, go ahead.
Do you take this woman
for your lawful wedded wife?
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- When you make up your minds... to who is to marry whom...
Why should the simple process
of marrying two people...
...take more time than drawing up
the Constitution of the United States?
You've made my life miserable
the moment you entered it.
You spoiled everything I ever planned.
You made me disbelieve
everything I believed in.
You said you wanted to marry my sister.
Well, for Pete's sake,
marry her and go to Hollywood.
- But I don't love Irene.
- What?
I don't love Irene.
Mr. Lodge. Do you mean to tell me
that you don't love my sister?
Miss Agnew,
I mean to tell you exactly that.
And I'm not in love with him.
I love Waldo.
And I love you.
- I beg your pardon?
- I love you.
- I beg your pardon?
- Margit, I love you.
Well, why didn't you say so,
you big grasshopper?
I love you too.
- Look here, Lodge, get to your feet.
- Oh, I am on my feet.
- Here, hold this.
- Well.
For he's a jolly good fellow
He's a jolly good fellow
Are you hurt?
Oh, he's unconscious.
Somebody get some water.
- Yes, get some water.
- Get some water.
- Oh, dear.
- Look here, Irene, get to your feet.
- Waldo, don't hit me.
I mean, you're coming with me,
do you hear?
- And if you fight back, so much the better.
- Waldo, what's happened to you?
- Gangway, I got "yumph. "
- Just a minute.
See here, see here, see here.
You can't treat that woman like that
when I'm around here.
You're interfering with two young people
who are in love.
Yeah, I knew it.
All that trouble over a dame.
Well, what about it?
Dames are at the bottom
of all the trouble.
- Oh, you think so, huh?
- Yes, I do.
- Hey, what do you mean?
- You can't start...
- Hey, get going.
- Quit punching me.
Get your hot dogs, nice juicy... Hey, you.
Put that hamburger... Put that...
Help! Police!
Quit slugging my pal.
Or I'll let you have one, you understand?
- Why, you great big ape.
- Don't you do that to him.
There's the telephone.
You have no right to interfere.
- My friend...
- This is not your...
Your friend or not your friend.
For he's a jolly good fellow
He's a jolly good fellow
He's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
If you want to fight, I'll fight you.
If you want to fight, I'll fight you.
For he's a jolly good fellow
He's a jolly good fellow
He's a jolly good fellow
He's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny