Doug Stanhope: Beer Hall Putsch (2013) Movie Script
1
[cheers and applause]
- WE ARE DOWNSTAIRS
IN THE DANTE'S GREEN ROOM
IN PORTLAND, OREGON, SHORTLY
BEFORE WE START TAPING
THE NEW SPECIAL,
BEER HALL PUTSCH.
- WHAT'S A PUTSCH?
- BEER HALL PUTSCH.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- IT WAS HITLER'S
EARLY FAILED ATTEMP AT OVERTHROWING
THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT IN '24,
WHERE HE'D WORK EVERYONE UP
INTO A LATHER IN THE BEER HALL
WITH 1,500 PEOPLE SCREAMING
ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT.
HE GOT THEM ALL TO RACE OU INTO THE STREETS AND,
"WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
THIS SHIT OVER."
AND THEN A FEW PEOPLE GO KILLED,
SO HE RAN
LIKE A PUSSY.
BECAUSE THIS IS,
LIKE, GROUND ZERO
OF WHEN WE BRANCHED OU TO DO OUR OWN THING,
AND IT'S REALLY COOL-LOOKING.
WE CAN'T REALLY PLAY HERE
BECAUSE WE HAVE
TOO BIG OF A DRAW.
SO IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE
TO FILM HERE.
IT'S DARK.
IT'S CREEPY.
IT HAS A HISTORY WITH US.
IT'S JUST--
IT HAS A GOOD FEEL.
AND I FUCKING HATE
DOING THEATERS.
I WISH ALL COMEDY SPECIALS
WERE FILMED IN FUCKING
75-SEATERS,
LIKE OLD LENNY BRUCE.
SMOKY ROOM, LOW CEILING.
THIS ONE'S NOT REAL LOW CEILING,
BUT IT'S GOT THE FEEL.
LET'S GO DRINK.
[applause]
SOME PEOPLE SAY, "YEAH.
I DON'T HAVE TO DRINK
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME."
YOU GO, "OKAY."
BUT THAT MEANS YOU
HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
HOW DO YOU PULL THAT OFF?
JUST ASSUME THE UNIVERSE KNOWS
IT'S YOUR FRIDAY
SO SOME ORGANIC GOOD TIME
WILL SWELL OUT OF THE WOODWORK
AND APPEAR
AT A CERTAIN TIME.
YOU READ THE WEEKLY AND FIND
THE EDITOR'S BEST BE AND YOU EMAIL ALL YOUR DUMB
FRIENDS IN THEIR CUBICLES,
"LET'S MEET UP.
"WE FOUND A LOCAL EATERY
THAT'S WELL REVIEWED.
"IT HAS VEGAN OPTIONS
FOR SHEILA.
WE'LL MEET THERE AT 7:40."
"WHERE IS SHEILA?
SHE'S LATE.
"OUR SOBER GOOD TIME
STARTS IN 40 MINUTES.
"CALL HER
ON HER CELL PHONE.
MAYBE WE CAN
ORDER FOR HER
"BECAUSE WE DON'T WAN TO BE LATE
FOR OUR SOBER GOOD TIME.
IT STARTS IN..."
MAYBE YOU CAME HERE TONIGH TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
WITHOUT DRINKING.
THAT MEANS YOU'RE SOLELY
RELIANT ON ME BEING FUNNY,
WHICH IS A 50/50 SHO AT BES IN THESE WANING YEARS
OF MY CAREER.
IF I SUCK, YOU'RE FUCKED.
ALL THAT SOBER GOOD-TIME
PLANNING AND THE MAPQUESTING
AND THE FINDING THE PARKING.
AND THEN I JUST--
I WAS OFF.
I WAS TOO FUCKED UP
THAT NIGHT, AND I--
NOW THE BLAME'S ON YOU.
I DON'T TAKE THOSE CHANCES.
I DRINK TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
IT'S A FAILSAFE.
I TAKE WHATEVER MUNDANE SHI I WAS DOING ANYWAY,
AND I JUST START POURING BOOZE
ON TOP OF IT.
AND WITHIN A SHORT AMOUN OF TIME, IT'S FANTASTIC.
I'M TALKING TO SOME SHINGLE
SALESMAN IN AN AIRPORT BAR,
AND HE'S SHOWING ME PICTURES
OF HIS DOGS
ON HIS CELL PHONE CAMERA.
"AND THAT'S MISS PATSY
AND THIS IS PATRIOT.
I CALL HIM PATRIOT BECAUSE
I GOT HIM AT 9/11 AND..."
WITHIN FIVE DRINKS,
THAT GUY'S HILARIOUS TO ME.
I'M HUGGING THAT GUY
ON THE WAY TO HIS GATE.
I'M SWAPPING PHONE NUMBERS.
I HAVE A PROBLEM?
NO, LADY.
I HAVE A SOLUTION.
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM...
[cheers and applause]
WITH YOUR SOBER GOOD TIME.
I'LL FEEL LIKE SHI IN THE MORNING,
BUT I'LL KNOW EXACTLY WHY--
BECAUSE I GOT HAMMERED.
YOU WAKE UP, YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT,
YOU WORRY.
"OH, DID I FORGE TO TAKE MY OMEGA-3S?
"MY GLANDS ARE SWOLLEN.
"DID I TOUCH A TOILET HANDLE
WITHOUT SANITIZING?
I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY."
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE
BEEN DRUNK.
AND YOU JUST--YOU WAKE UP
AND GO, "OH, FUCK.
IT'LL GO AWAY
BY THE AFTERNOON."
I DID STOP DRINKING
JAGERMEISTER
AS THOUGH IT WERE SOME, LIKE,
MIRACULOUS LIFE CHOICE.
I BRAGGED TO PEOPLE WHEN I
STOPPED DRINKING JAGERMEISTER,
LIKE I'M DOING BIKRAM YOGA NOW
AND EATING TOFU.
I'M STILL HAMMERED
ALL THE TIME,
BUT IT'S NOT JAGER,
WHICH IS JUST A SHITTY DRINK.
AT SOME POINT, I SAW A CLIP
OF MYSELF ON STAGE
YELLING AT THE BAR,
DRUNK,
"HEY, CAN I GET A SHOT OF
JAGERMEISTER?"
BUT I COULD SEE ME.
LIKE, IN MY HEAD,
I'M YOUNG.
BUT THEN I SAW
I'M JUST AN OLD FUCKING DUDE.
AND JUST THE WORD JAGERMEISTER
COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
IS SOME DESPERATE CRY
TO BE YOUNG AGAIN.
AND IT'S LIKE THE OLD GUY'S
A SILVER-HAIRED FOX,
BUT HE STILL HAS
TWO HOOP EARRINGS.
AND HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, LADIES."
AH, DON'T BE
THAT FUCKING DUDE.
JUST DRINK SOMETHING CLEAR.
'CAUSE...
JAKE LAMOTTA, THE FIGHTER,
IS A NEIGHBOR OF OURS
IN BISBEE, ARIZONA.
HE LIVES TWO BLOCKS DOWN.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW
JAKE LAMOTTA,
HE WAS A FIGHTER,
A LEGENDARY FIGHTER.
THE MOVIE RAGING BULL.
YES. NO? YEAH?
ROBERT DENIRO.
[scattered cheers]
FOR YOU 22-YEAR-OLDS,
LET ME EXPLAIN.
ROBERT DENIRO USED TO BE
AN ACTOR
IN THE MOVING PICTURES.
[cheers and applause]
YEAH.
ONE OF HIS GREATEST ROLES
WAS THA PLAYING JAKE LAMOTTA
IN RAGING BULL.
IT WAS A REAL GUY
THAT'S OUR NEIGHBOR.
AND WE NEVER MET HIM TILL,
LAST YEAR,
A MUTUAL FRIEND BROUGHT HIM
TO THE HOUSE TO WATCH FOOTBALL.
AND WE'RE WICKED EXCITED.
LIKE, FUCKING JAKE LAMOTTA 'S
COMING HERE.
AND THEY BROUGHT HIM OVER.
HE'S LIKE 91.
THERE'S NO JAKE LAMOTTA
LEFT OF THE JAKE LAMOTTA.
SO WE'RE ALL,
LIKE, HAPPY.
AND THEY BRING HIM IN,
AND WE'RE LIKE, "OHH."
LIKE, FOR A BOXER,
MY AGE THEY'RE FUCKED UP,
AND HE'S TWICE THAT.
SO THEY BRING HIM IN.
HE'S FUCKING UP--
THEY HAVE HIM BY ONE ELBOW,
91 YEARS OLD.
[grunting]
AND THEY PLOP IT ON THE COUCH
LIKE AN EGGPLANT.
AND WE'RE LIKE,
"AH, JAKE LAMOTTA 'S HERE."
[laughs nervously]
AND HE'S GOT A TROPHY WIFE
WHO'S 30 YEARS HIS JUNIOR,
WHICH MEANS SHE'S STILL
IN HER 60S, SO...
THE TROPHY IS A BIT TARNISHED
AT THIS POINT.
IT'S NO STANLEY CUP
ANYMORE.
IT'S MORE
OF A BOWLING TROPHY.
AND SHE'S
A VERY SWEET WOMAN.
SHE HAS ALL THE CHARACTERISTICS
OF TROPHY WIFE.
SHE HAS
BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR,
AND THE 60-YEAR-OLD
TIT JOB IS FORCED UP
SO THE GOOD PARTS
ARE SHOWING THROUGH THE TOP.
AND YOU GO--OKAY.
AND SHE'S VERY SWEET.
AND SHE'S TRYING
TO DISTRACT FROM...
JAKE LAMOTTA
DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.
HE DOESN'T KNOW
HE'S WATCHING FOOTBALL.
HE'S CONFUSED ON THE COUCH.
"EHHH."
THE ONLY TIME HE SHOWED
ANY COGNITIVE RECOGNITION
OF HIS SURROUNDINGS--
I SAW HIM SCRAMBLING
WITH HIS CIGARETTES
AND FUMBLING AND LOOKING
TO THE DOOR LIKE,
"WHO WILL WALK ME OU SO I CAN SMOKE?"
AND I SAID, "IT'S OKAY, JAKE.
YOU CAN SMOKE IN THE HOUSE."
AND HE WENT,
"EH? OHH. EHHH."
THAT'S HOW FUCKING DEEP
CIGARETTES GET YOU.
NOTHING ELSE.
HE SAID, "EHH. EHH."
THEN STRAIGHT BACK
TO CONFUSION.
"EHH? EHH."
SO HIS WIFE IS VERY SWEET.
AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME
AND BINGO.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'VE LIVED
HERE SO LONG,
AND WE'VE NEVER MET.
AND IT'S SO NICE."
AND AT SOME POINT, SHE SAYS,
"YOU KNOW, JAKE AND I
"ARE DOING A PLAY
ON SATURDAY NIGH "AT THE CENTRAL
SCHOOL IN OLD BISBEE.
"WE'D LOVE IT IF YOU'D COME.
I WROTE IT MYSELF,"
SHE SAYS.
OH, REALLY?
ALL BY YOUR LITTLE LONELY?
THAT FUCKING HALF-CADAVER
ON MY COUCH
DIDN'T CHIME IN
WITH SOME OF HIS GREAT IDEAS
OF HOW THE SCRIP SHOULD BE WRITTEN
FOR THE ARC OF THE STORY?
AND NORMALLY YOU WOULD
HAVE TO STUN GUN ME,
CATTLE PROD ME
TO GET ME INTO A PLAY.
I'M NOT INTERESTED--UNTIL
I SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF
WITH JAKE LAMOTTA
AT MY HOUSE.
THAT'S GONNA BE
LIVE ON STAGE?
I'M NOT MISSING THIS
FOR THE WORLD.
AND WE WENT,
AND IT LIVED UP
TO EVERY AWFUL
EXPECTATION THAT WE HAD.
IT WAS SO TRAGIC.
SHE WROTE IT HERSELF.
IT'S CALLED
LADY AND THE CHAMP.
[laughter and cheers]
AND SHE WROTE IT, SO THANK GOD
IT'S MOSTLY HER.
AND SHE HAS
AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR,
SO SHE'LL TELL SOME STORIES
AND ANECDOTES
AND THEN SING SOME SHOW TUNE
KIND OF THINGS.
IN THE CORNER STANDS A BOXER
AND A FIGHTER BY HIS
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, GOD."
AND THEN THEY PLOP
THE CHAMP OU ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE STAGE IN A CHAIR.
AND THEY SIT HIM DOWN.
HE STILL HAS NO IDEA
WHERE HE IS.
HE STILL THINKS HE'S WATCHING
FOOTBALL AT MY HOUSE.
"EHH. EHH."
AND HIS ONLY JOB
IS TO PEPPER THE SCRIP WITH SOME ONE-LINERS
AND SOME SHADOW BOXING.
SO OCCASIONALLY,
HE STANDS UP, "EHH.
"I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY
SO MANY TIMES,
I GOT DIABETES."
WHICH IS NOT A BAD LINE FOR
A FUCKING 91-YEAR-OLD BOXER,
EXCEPT THE CHAMP FORGETS
HE ALREADY DID THE LINE.
SO MOMENTS LATER, HE STANDS
BACK UP, "I FOUGHT--"
IN THE MIDDLE OF A SONG,
"I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY."
AND THEY HAVE TO COME OUT.
THEY CAN'T STAGE WHISPER
TO HIM
BECAUSE HE'S DEAF
AS A STUMP.
SO THEY PHYSICALLY
HAVE TO COME OU AND PUSH HIM BACK DOWN
IN HIS CHAIR AND YELL AT HIM,
"NOT YET, CHAMP!
"WAIT TILL THE END OF THE
NUMBER, AND THEN YOU DO THE...
OKAY?
ALL RIGHT."
AND WE'RE IN THE BACK
OF THE ROOM FUCKING DYING.
LIKE IT'S QUIET, WE'RE
HAVING TO BITE OUR HANDS
LIKE CHILDREN IN CHURCH
TRYING NOT TO GIGGLE.
AND...IT WAS LIKE SEEING
IF MR. SCHIAVO
BROUGHT TERRI SCHIAVO
ON THE ROAD
AS A SONG AND DANCE ACT.
HELLO, MY HONEY,
HELLO, MY BABY
HELLO, MY RAGTIME
"UHH.
UHH.
UHH..."
"THANK YOU!
TERRI AND I WILL BE
"SELLING MERCHANDISE
AFTER THE SHOW.
"TERRI WILL LICK YOUR T-SHIRTS
FOR YOU TO PERSONALIZE THEM
"AS A LITTLE SOUVENIR
OF THE GREAT TIME
WE HAD TONIGHT HERE."
AND AS MUCH AS I'M ENJOYING I FOR ALL THE WORST REASONS,
THERE'S PART OF MY HEAD
GOING, "ALL RIGHT.
HOW LONG
BEFORE THAT'S YOU?"
HOW MANY--I'VE BEEN DOING
THIS SHIT 23 YEARS.
HOW LONG?
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF SHOTS
TO THE HEAD,
JUST LIKE THE CHAMP.
HOW LONG BEFORE THAT FINAL
SYNAPSE IN MY BRAIN BURNS OU THAT WOULD HAVE TOLD ME,
"DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF
THOROUGHLY."
BUT I HAVE MY TROPHY WIFE,
BINGO.
SHE DOESN'T WAN TO GET A REAL JOB,
SO SHE'S JUST SHOVING ME
OUT ON THE STAGE.
"GO GET 'EM, CHAMP."
"EHH. EHH.
"EHH.
"JAGERMEISTER!
EHH? EHH."
MAYBE IT ALREADY HAPPENED.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I'M--MAYBE THIS
IS BEING FILMED TO--
"DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE."
I LIVE EVERY DAY
OF MY LIFE
LIKE IT'S MY LAST DAY
ON EARTH, KIDS.
AND I REALLY--
DON'T CLAP.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I LIVE.
THAT MAKES IT EVEN MORE SAD
AND PATHETIC
THAT I WOULD WILLINGLY CHOOSE
TO SPEND ANY GIVEN LAST DAY
ON EARTH IMMOBILIZED
ON A COUCH,
SWEATING, WATCHING A MARATHON
OF STORAGE WARS,
COMPLETELY CONTEN WITH THAT.
FRIENDS GOING, "COME ON.
LET'S DO SOMETHING, MAN.
"LET'S GO OUT.
I CAME ALL THE WAY DOWN.
LET'S GO LIVE LIFE."
YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK YOU.
I AIN'T GETTING UP.
"I'VE HAD TO PISS FOR
THE LAST FOUR EPISODES.
"MY PROSTATE IS WELDED SHU LIKE A LUG NUT.
"AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
I'M NOT GETTING UP.
"I GOT TO FIND OU WHAT'S IN THAT SAFE.
"VERY IMPORTANT TO FIND OU AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE
IN THAT SAFE."
YOU GUYS ALL HAVE INTERESTS
AND YOU DO SHIT.
AND I DON'T.
YEAH.
TRY DOING NOTHING
AS LONG AS ME.
I HAVE "HOUSE ARREST"
ON MY BUCKET LIS JUST SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR WHY
I CAN'T GO DO THE DUMB SHI YOU LIKE
THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
"I'M SORRY.
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR FRIEND
"PLAY THE FLAMENCO GUITAR,
BUT I GOT THE ANKLET.
SORRY."
GO RIGHT BACK TO WATCHING
FUCKING HOARDERS.
I WATCH HOARDERS.
I SEE SHIT I NEED.
[laughs]
I DO.
LIKE THEY BROUGHT THE YARD SALE
INTO MY LIVING ROOM
AND I JUST POKE AROUND.
I'M NOT FOLLOWING
THE DIALOG.
I'M JUST LOOKING
AT THEIR SHIT.
"BINGO, THEY HAVE AN ORANGE
MICROWAVE.
"REWIND IT.
PAUSE.
"THAT'S AN ORANGE MIC--
"HOW DO YOU GET AN ORANGE
MICROWAVE?
"UNDERNEATH THE STACK
OF THE NEWSPAPERS
"AND THE MUMMIFIED CA IS AN ORANGE MICROWAVE.
"FIND IT ON AMAZON.
THAT MIGHT FILL THE VOID
IN MY SOUL. ORANGE."
BECAUSE THAT'S--I DON'T EVEN
DRUNK DIAL PEOPLE ANYMORE
BECAUSE I HAVE
NOTHING TO SAY.
BUT I DRUNK
EBAY AND AMAZON.
I BUY SHI WHEN I'M BLACKED OUT.
WHICH IS--
EBAY'S THE WORST,
BECAUSE IF I GET OUTBID,
THEN I TAKE IT PERSONAL
WHEN I'M DRINKING.
LIKE YOU JUST FUCKING LOOKED
AT MY GIRLFRIEND WEIRD.
"OH, OUTBID ME?
I'M GOING TO FUCKING OUTBID YOU.
"YEAH, I'LL WAIT.
I'LL WAIT.
"COME ON. DO IT.
OH, OUTBID ME?
"OUTBID YOU! BECAUSE YOU
PROBABLY HAVE KIDS.
"I DON'T.
I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY,
"BUT EVERY PENNY I HAVE
IS DISPOSABLE
"BECAUSE I DON' HAVE CHILDREN.
"I BOUGHT A SHITTY,
CHEAP HOUSE
ON THE MEXICAN BORDER.
"MY NUT IS 800 BUCKS A YEAR
IN PROPERTY TAX.
"I COULD BEG THAT.
YOU?
"YOU'RE GONNA OUTBID ME,
EVENTUALLY YOU'RE GONNA REALIZE,
"'OH, SHIT, MY CHILDREN
HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE.'
"AND I'M GONNA REALIZE,
'OH, SHIT.
"'I NEED A VINTAGE PACHINKO
MACHINE IN MY HOUSE
"FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON.'
"OUTBID YOU.
YOU LOSE.
I'M A GIANT WINNER...
SOMEHOW."
WAY WORSE THAN DRUNK DIALING,
BECAUSE DRUNK BUYING SHIT,
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER
YOU DID I FOR FIVE TO SEVEN
BUSINESS DAYS.
YOU WALK OUT OF YOUR HOUSE,
AND UPS IS BUILDING
SOME CORRUGATED
GREAT WALL OF CHINA OUTSIDE.
LIKE, "WHAT DID I DO NOW?
"WHAT DID YOU GET YOURSELF
THIS TIME,
"MR. CHRISTMAS IN JULY?
MIRACLE SOCKS,
AS SEEN ON TV."
ACTUAL PURCHASE.
I DON'T HAVE
CIRCULATION PROBLEMS,
BUT EVIDENTLY WHEN I DRINK
ON AMBIEN,
THAT'S SOME UNDERLYING FEAR
I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW I HAD,
IS DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS.
"I'M GOING TO DIE.
"MAYBE THAT'S WHY
I NEVER WORK AUSTRALIA.
"THAT LONG FLIGH COULD KILL ME
WITH DEEP VEIN
THROMBOSIS."
I HAVE NO FEAR OF DEATH,
EXCEPT I HATE WAITING FOR IT.
JUST COME ON.
I BEAT CANCER.
OH, I NEVER HAD IT.
THAT'S HOW I BEAT IT.
LIKE I'VE--
OH, YOU SURVIVED IT?
I BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT,
BUT BY NOT GETTING IT.
I'VE COURTED CANCER
EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING BU FUCKING PAID CANCER'S
TAXI FARE TO MY HOTEL.
WON'T SHOW UP.
THAT'S BEATING IT.
YOU SURVIVED IT,
YOU'RE LIKE TIED.
I GET THE NUMBER ONE SEED
IN THE BRACKE OVER YOU, SURVIVOR.
I'M A WINNER.
BUT THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE,
AND IF I CAN GIVE YOU
ANY HOPE IN THIS SHOW,
I HAVE DEFINITIVE PROOF
OF AN AFTERLIFE.
I DIDN'T GET WEIRD
OR GO RELIGIOUS ON YOU.
I'M NOT SAYING
THERE'S A GOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHA THE AFTERLIFE ENTAILS,
BUT HERE'S THE PROOF.
MY MOTHER KILLED HERSELF
IN 2008.
DON'T WORRY.
THIS IS A FUN STORY.
IT WAS THE BEST DEATH
YOU COULD EVER BE PART OF.
SHE WAS DYING
OF EMPHYSEMA AT 63.
HER BRAIN WAS STILL WITH IT,
BUT HER--
SHE WAS DROWNING
IN HER OWN FLUIDS.
SHE'S BEING PERMANENTLY
WATER BOARDED BY 45 YEARS
OF KOOL MILDS.
SHE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
WE KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
WHEN SHE MADE THE CALL,
"I CAN'T DO IT."
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MA.
WE'LL DO WHAT WE CAN."
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.
MA'S GONNA KILL HERSELF."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
LIKE THAT'S--
OKAY, WE KNOW
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN,
BUT WHEN YOU SAY,
"WE'RE GONNA DO IT,"
I'M NOT GONNA GO BUY YOU
A FUCKING SHOTGUN.
LIKE, "OH, HAVE FUN, MA."
SO I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
I DON'T KILL PEOPLE.
IT'S JUST--
IT'S NOT SOMETHING,
LIKE, I FANTASIZE ABOUT IT.
IF MY MOTHER
WERE NANCY GRACE,
I'D HAVE BEEN
ALL OVER IT.
LIKE I HAVE PLANS.
BUT MY MOTHER WAS A GREA PERSON, SO I'M LIKE,
"HOW DO WE DO THIS RIGHT?"
SO I CALLED MY LAWYER.
I HAVE THREE LAWYERS.
WE HAVE--
LIKE, WE'RE JEWED UP BIG
WITH LAWYERS IN L.A.
FOR THIS SHIT,
ALL THE CAMERA PEOPLE
AND RECORDING CONTRACTS.
THEN I HAVE
MY LOCAL BISBEE ATTORNEY
THAT HELPS ME WITH--
LIKE, I GOT MARRIED
WHEN I WAS 20 AND I HAD
24 YEARS OF MARITAL BLISS,
TILL I REMEMBERED,
"OH, FUCK.
I NEVER DIVORCED THAT GIRL
I DRUNKENLY MARRIED IN VEGAS."
THAT'S FOR ANOTHER DVD.
SO HE--
BUT THEN WE HAVE OUR THIRD
LAWYER, WHO'S A COMEDY FAN.
HE'S OUR, LIKE WINK-WINK,
NUDGE-NUDGE,
SAUL GOODMAN
FROM BREAKING BAD ATTORNEY.
THAT HE HANDLES
ALL THE CREEPY SHIT,
LIKE WHEN ME AND ANDY
ARE UP LATE AT NIGH DOING BLOW AND THINKING OF--
"CALL KIRSCHNER.
"SEE HOW MUCH JAIL TIME
WE COULD--
COULD WE GO TO PRISON
IF WE ACTUALLY DID THIS?"
HE'S THAT GUY.
SO I CALLED HIM, KNOWING HE'D
HOOK ME UP WITH A DOCTOR
ON THE DOWN LOW, AS WE SAY
IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY,
AS A BLACK PERSON.
HE GAVE ME THE NUMBER
TO A DOCTOR.
AND I GO, "HEY, MY MOTHER'S
GONNA CASH OUT,
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO."
HE SAID,
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"
I GO, "I'VE GOT XANAX
OUT THE ASS."
ON THE BORDER, YOU CAN GET ALL
THE FUCKING XANAX YOU WANT.
HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S NO GOOD.
THAT'S ANTI-ANXIETY.
DOES SHE HAVE HOSPICE CARE?"
"YEAH, SHE DOES."
"THEN SHE SHOULD
HAVE MORPHINE."
"MA, YOU GOT MORPHINE?"
"YEAH, I GOT MORPHINE."
"ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S GOT MORPHINE."
WE WORKED OUT THE DOSAGES
AND THE MILLIGRAMS.
AND HE GOES, "IF SHE HAS
30 OF THOSE,
THAT'S ENOUGH TO KILL ANY
HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET."
SHE HAD FUCKING 90.
LIKE, "OKAY.
WE'RE GOOD. OKAY."
"WE NEVER TALKED.
REMEMBER THAT."
"OKAY, DOC."
SO I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
WE'RE GONNA DO THIS.
FIRST OF ALL,
BRING HER TO MY HOUSE."
BECAUSE SHE LIVED
IN 300 SQUARE FEE OF HOARDER PARADISE.
OLD ELECTRIC BILLS WITH
SPIDER WEBS ALL CRAMMED--
LIKE IT'S DEPRESSING ENOUGH
IF YOU'RE GONNA
HELP YOUR MOTHER KILL HERSELF.
BUT WE'RE GONNA GO TO MY HOUSE.
WE'LL TIDY UP, WE'LL--
SO WE SET HER UP WITH A HOSPITAL
BED IN THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE HAD BEEN AA OFF AND ON
FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.
SHE HAD, AT THIS POINT,
BEEN FOUR YEARS SOBER.
AND I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL YOURSELF SOBER, RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T TAKE
THOSE CHIPS WITH YOU."
RIGHT?
SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
THAT'S DUMB."
SO SHE--
IN HER HEYDAY,
SHE WAS
A BLACK RUSSIAN DRINKER,
SO I SET OUT A MINI BOTTLE
OF KETEL ONE
AND A MINI BOTTLE OF KAHLUA
WITH HER PILLS.
"FOR WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
LET ME KNOW."
WE LAID DOWN GROUND RULES.
I SAID, "MA, IF YOU'RE GONNA
KILL YOURSELF, SERIOUSLY,
"YOU CAN'T DO I ON SUNDAY OR MONDAY
"BECAUSE THAT'S FOOTBALL,
AND THAT'S A DICK MOVE.
"IF YOU CAN CALL YOUR OWN TIME
TO LEAVE THIS PLANET,
"DON'T DO IT DURING SOMEONE
ELSE'S PLANNED EVENT.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE."
AND SHE DID IT THE SATURDAY
BEFORE FOOTBALL.
THAT WAS GREAT.
SHE CAME IN ON THURSDAY.
SATURDAY NIGHT, SHE GOES,
"IT'S TIME."
AND I'M LIKE, "TIME FOR WHAT?
LIKE MEDICATION?"
"NO, IT'S TIME."
AND LIKE, "OH FUCK.
THIS IS REAL."
SO I WAKE UP BINGO.
LIKE IT'S GOING ON.
WE START MIXING UP
WHITE RUSSIANS.
SHE DECIDED TO MAKE
BLACK RUSSIANS WHITE RUSSIANS
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THE MILK
WOULD COAT HER BELLY
BETTER FOR TAKING
ALL THE PILLS.
LIKE MOTHER TILL THE END.
"DO YOU HAVE WHOLE MILK?"
"I GOT SKIM."
"SKIM'LL WORK.
"I JUST DON'T WAN TO THROW UP THE PILLS.
CHICKEN SOUP
FOR THE SUICIDE."
IT WAS SO FUCKING--
IT WAS SO SWEET.
SO WE'RE
WHIPPING UP DRINKS AND--
I DIDN'T SO MUCH ASSIS A SUICIDE AS BAR BACK IT.
LIKE, I'M IN THERE
MIXING DRINKS
BECAUSE WE'RE
ALL DRINKING.
WE WATCH BAD SANTA
TOGETHER,
HER FAVORITE MOVIE,
TOGETHER.
SHE HAD A VERY DARK
SENSE OF HUMOR.
I DIDN'T COME
FROM NOWHERE.
MY MOTHER USED TO REVIEW PORN
ON THE MAN SHOW.
SHE WAS FUCKING DARK
LIKE US.
SO WE WATCHED BAD SANTA,
AND SHE'S TRYING
TO CHOKE DOWN THESE PILLS.
SHE HAD A VERY HARD TIME
TAKING PILLS.
SO SHE'S JUST GAGGING
AND JUST GETTING THEM DOWN.
SO I'M KEEPING
A VAGUE COUNT.
WHEN SHE GOT AROUND 30,
A LITTLE OVER, I'M LIKE,
"MA, THAT'S GOOD.
YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYMORE.
YOU'RE FINE."
AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T WAN TO TAKE ANY CHANCES."
SHE WAS SO SCARED
OF FUCKING UP.
SHE TOOK ALL 90 MORPHINE.
THE--
WE'RE SITTING THERE
IN HORROR, GOING,
"YOU'RE WASTING--
MA...
"THEY SAID 30 OF THOSE WOULD
KILL ANY HUMAN BEING ALIVE.
"YOU COULD LEAVE 60 OF THEM
FOR ME AND BINGO
"AS OUR ONLY INHERITANCE
OTHER THAN THE LAS 17-YEAR-OLD BLIND CA YOU HAVE, GEORGIA."
YEAH, WE COULD HAVE
60 MORPHINES
TO HAVE
SPONTANEOUS MEMORIALS
FOR MOTHER EVERY YEAR
AND AGAIN."
"REMEMBER MOM?
POP A MORPHINE.
"WHOO!
WHAT A GREAT LADY.
WHAT A CRAZY OLD BITCH."
NO.
HOARDER TILL THE END.
ALL FUCKING 90.
AND THEN
WE FUCKED WITH HER.
I REMEMBER HER LAST WORDS
AS SHE'S COMING IN AND OUT.
BECAUSE WE'RE JUST GOOFING
ON HER AS SHE'S DOING THIS,
AS SHE'S FADING
IN AND OUT.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IF SHE WOULD RESPOND.
SHE WAS JUST HAMMERING
COCKTAILS, SHE--
AND SHE'S LAYING THERE,
HALF IN, HALF OUT,
WITH A WHITE RUSSIAN ON HER
CHEST THAT SHE'D
OCCASIONALLY GET TO HER MOUTH,
AND IT'D SPILL.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU COME OFF
THE WAGON,
YOU HIT IT FUCKING HARD.
AND IT'S PRETTY BAD
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING
TO KEEP UP DRINKING
WITH AN 83-POUND,
63-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
"AAGH."
AND I GO, "WOW.
YOU'RE REALLY KNOCKING THOSE
BACK, MA."
AND SHE GOES,
"THERE'S TIMES TO BE DAINTY,
AND THERE'S TIMES
TO BE A PIG."
[cheers and applause]
AND WE ALL LAUGHED.
AND THIS IS MOTHER'S PROBLEM
THROUGHOUT HER LIFE.
SHE WAS A FUNNY LADY,
SPORADICALLY.
BUT WHEN SHE WOULD GET A LAUGH,
SHE WOULD JUST HAMMER I AND OVER-TAG I AND REPEAT THE JOKE.
LIKE, JUST KEEP--
"I CAN KEEP GETTING A LAUGH
OFF THE SAME JOKE."
AND IT WOULD RUIN
THE JOKE.
AND WHEN WE ALL LAUGHED A "THERE'S TIMES TO BE A PIG,"
I SAW HER GO INTO--
SHE'S GONNA--AND I GO,
"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.
THOSE ARE PERFECT LAST WORDS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUIN THIS JOKE.
CUT THE MIC ON MOTHER."
AND THEN WE JUST ROASTED HER
AS SHE FELL IN AND OUT.
WE JUST DID
A FRIAR'S CLUB ROAST,
MAKING FUN OF HER AND
MAKING IT A FUN, DARK SUICIDE.
"MA, WAIT.
THEY FOUND A CURE."
"I LOVE YOU,
BUT FUCK YOU.
I WAS A BAD MOTHER.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU."
AT ONE POINT,
I REMEMBER I SAID,
"MA, IF THERE'S ANY KIND OF
WHITE LIGHT SITUATION,
"THAT OTHER SIDE
THAT YOU GET TO,
"IF YOU CAN COMMUNICATE
WITH US HOUDINI-STYLE,
"SEE IF THERE'S ANY WAY
THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE SAINTS
"COVER EIGHT POINTS
AT OAKLAND TOMORROW
BECAUSE I HAVE MONEY
ON THE GAME."
AND THEY DID. THE SAINTS
FUCKING BLEW THEM OUT--
OCTOBER 12, 2008.
THE SAINTS WON 34 TO 3.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S PROOF
OF AN AFTERLIFE.
THAT WAS JUST 40 BUCKS
THAT I WON.
PROOF OF THE AFTERLIFE
IS THIS.
IF THERE WERE NO AFTERLIFE,
HOW COULD MY MOTHER
HAVE BOUGHT ME
AND MY FRIENDS
SO MANY NICE THINGS
FROM THE SKYMALL CATALOG
ON HER CREDIT CARD
FOUR DAYS AFTER
SHE PASSED FROM THIS EARTH?
[cheers and applause]
ANSWER ME THAT,
YOUR HONOR.
ANSWER ME THAT.
IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO ENTER THESE
CREDIT CARD RECEIPTS
INTO EVIDENCE, AGAINS THE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY.
"LOOK AT THAT.
FOUR DAYS.
"I HAD TO SWEAR
ON YOUR BIBLE
"JUST TO TESTIFY
IN MY OWN DEFENSE.
"YOUR SILLY FAKE JESUS
ONLY LASTED THREE DAYS
"BEFORE HE RAN OU OF THAT CAVE LIKE A PUSSY.
"MY MOTHER? FOUR DAYS,
RELAXING UP THERE.
SHE'S DRUNK EBAYING
LIKE I DO!"
THAT LAST PIECE OF THAT STORY
HAS SPECIAL MEANING TO ME
BECAUSE IN MY ENTIRE CAREER,
THAT'S THE ONLY CHUNK
OF MATERIAL I'VE EVER HAD THA HAD A STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS
BEFORE I COULD COMFORTABLY
TELL IT ON STAGE.
THREE-YEAR STATUTE
FOR CREDIT CARD FRAUD.
AFTER THAT, FUCK YOU.
MOTHER DIDN'T WANT SOME
SILLY GRAVESTONE.
THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
MOTHER WANTED ME TO HAVE
A VOICE-ACTIVATED
REMOTE CONTROL
R2-D2 DOLL.
I'M JUST SAYING WE ALL
OCCUPY IN OUR OWN WAY.
YOU OCCUPY YOUR FUCKING FILTHY
PORTLAND HIPPIE SELVES
BECAUSE YOU HATE THE 1%
AND YOU HATE THE BANKS
BECAUSE OF THEIR
PREDATORY-LENDING PRACTICES
AGAINST THE PEOPLE, AND ENSLAVE
THEM IN A LIFETIME OF DEBT.
WHAT'D YOU DO ABOUT IT?
YOU STUNK UP A PARK
FOR ALMOST A YEAR.
I OCCUPY FAR
MORE EFFICIENTLY.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK TO ME
FOR LEADERSHIP.
I HATE THE BANKS AS WELL,
AS WE ALL DO.
HOW DID I FUCK THEM?
I SPENT THREE HOURS
JACKING UP
MOTHER'S CHASE BANK VISA CARD
AFTER SHE'S DEAD
UP TO ITS $10,000 LIMIT,
BUYING DUMB SHI THAT NO ONE NEEDS AND STICKING
THEM WITH THE BILL
BECAUSE SHE HAD NO ESTATE
EXCEPT FOR THAT BLIND,
FUCKING LAST CAT.
IF YOU WANT TO REPO THAT,
HAVE AT IT.
[cheers and applause]
THAT ACTUALLY CAUSED DAMAGE
TO THE BANK.
NOT SITTING AROUND
WITH A DOG WITH A KERCHIEF
AND A CARDBOARD SIGN,
"DOO DOO DOO DOO,"
SLAPPING ON DRUMS
IN A DRUM CIRCLE.
THE FUCKING OCCUPY MOVEMEN WAS SUCH A LETDOWN
BECAUSE YOU SEEMED
LIKE ME.
ANGRY, AND WE'RE GONNA
TAKE TO THE STREETS.
AND, HOLY SHIT,
AROUND THE GLOBE,
PEOPLE ARE,
"FUCK THIS.
WE'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING."
AND WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOU FUCKED UP A PARK.
ALL YOU FUCKED UP IN A YEAR
IS SOME GUY'S DAY
WHO WANTED TO THROW
A FRISBEE FOR HIS DOG,
BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE
YOU'RE ALL CAMPED OUT THERE.
YOU HATE THE BANKS?
DON'T FUCK UP THE PARK.
FUCK UP THE BANK.
[cheers and applause]
WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF THIS PROJECT?
NEXT TIME, ME!
"WE DON'T REALLY
HAVE LEADERSHIP."
YOU NEEDED SOME!
YOU HAVE 500 ANGRY PEOPLE
IN A PARK.
GO BREAK THEM UP
INTO SQUADS OF 20.
YOU CAN FUCK UP EVERY
BRANCH OF BANK OF AMERICA
IN A 50-MILE RADIUS.
GO THERE, AND NO AS ANARCHISTS, EITHER.
THROWING BRICKS
THROUGH THE WINDOWS?
WHAT ARE YOU,
A FUCKING TEENAGER?
HAVE SOME INGENUITY.
YOU LINE UP AS CUSTOMERS
AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING.
THEY ONLY HAVE TWO DESKS
TO DO ACTUAL COMMERCE
OTHER THAN CASHING CHECKS
AND SHIT.
YOU CLOG UP THOSE TWO DESKS
AS BOGUS CUSTOMERS.
SIT DOWN, CROSS YOUR LEGS,
APPLY FOR FRIVOLOUS LOANS
ALL DAY LONG.
THAT'S A LOT OF PAPERWORK
FOR EVERY FRIVOLOUS,
"YES, I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS
FOR AN ANT FARM.
"SHARPEN SOME PENCILS.
"THAT'S A BIG STACK
OF PAPERWORK.
I'D LOVE SOME COFFEE."
YOU COMB YOUR DREADLOCKS
OVER TO ONE SIDE,
PUT ON YOUR
$3 SALVATION ARMY SUIT,
AND YOU CLOG UP
ALL THEIR TIME.
"OR YOU COULD DENY ME THE RIGH TO APPLY FOR THE LOAN,
"AND THEN I SUE THE FUCK
OUT OF YOU FOR DISCRIMINATION,
CAUSING EVEN MORE DAMAGE
TO YOUR BOTTOM LINE."
RATHER THAN JUS SITTING OUT THERE IN A PARK
GETTING TEAR-GASSED
BY COPS.
WHAT DOES THAT DO?
WHAT ARE YOU ACCOMPLISHING?
"I GOT IT ON TAPE.
POLICE ABUSE."
YEAH, POLICE ABUSE PEOPLE.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WIN.
YEAH. WELL, YOU WAN TO FIGHT THAT,
AND EVENTUALLY THEY'LL GO,
"IT WAS JUSTIFIED."
"I WAS LAYING THERE.
I'M PARALYZED.
I WAS FACE-DOWN IN THE PARK.
THEY TASED ME."
"JUSTIFIED."
YEAH.
WHY AREN'T YOU THE COPS?
THAT'S A BETTER IDEA.
YOU HAD A FUCKING YEAR
IN THE PARK.
THE FIRST WEEK OF OCCUPY,
YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED EVERYONE
WITH NO POLICE RECORD OUT,
MADE THEM GO APPLY TO BE POLICE.
YOU'D HAVE HAD PEOPLE THAT HAVE
GOTTEN THROUGH THE ACADEMY.
THEY'RE IN THE WORKS NOW.
THEY'RE MOLES ON YOUR SIDE.
THEY'RE SITTING THERE
IN A RIOT HELME WITH A BLUETOOTH UNDERNEATH
THE STAR WARS HELMET,
CALLING YOU IN THE PARK,
GIVING YOU HEADS-UPS.
"HEY, KEVIN.
"YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON
A GAS MASK AROUND 7:45 A.M.,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"
"THANKS, SHANE, BUT WE'RE
ALREADY WEARING GAS MASKS
"'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T SHOWERED
IN 7 1/2 MONTHS,
"AND ANGELA'S SNATCH IS REALLY
STARTING TO REEK UP
"THE PUP TENT SOMETHING
FEROCIOUS.
"BUT KEEP FIGHTING
THE GOOD FIGHT.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!"
GOOD CHRIST.
YOU COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH
WITH THAT.
THERE'S A FUCKING MILLION WAYS
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN CLEVER.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE WIKILEAKS
AND ANONYMOUS,
'CAUSE THEY'RE ACTUALLY
IN THERE.
THEY'RE FUCKING
WITH THE SYSTEM.
THEY'RE NOT SITTING AROUND
CHANTING AND SLAPPING BONGOS.
BRADLEY MANNING DIDN'T GE TO RELEASE ALL THAT INFORMATION
BY SITTING
IN A DRUM CIRCLE.
HE HAD TO GET INSIDE.
THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD FUCKING
READ UP ON SCIENTOLOGY.
AND I'M SERIOUS.
SCIENTOLOGY IS BRILLIANT.
READ THIS BOOK
INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY.
IT'S A BREAKDOWN OF HOW
THAT EVIL MOTHERFUCKER
CREATED THAT RELIGION
IN A MODERN TIME.
EVERY OTHER RELIGION PEOPLE
BELIEVE IN,
YOU ONLY BELIEVE IN I BECAUSE ALL YOUR ANCESTRY DID.
THIS GUY HAD TO CREATE THIS
AND SELL IT TO ADULTS RECENTLY.
IT'S AS STUPID AS ANY OTHER
RELIGION, BUT HOW DID HE DO IT?
HOW DID HE CREATE
THIS LEVIATHAN?
READ THIS BOOK
INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY
AND APPLY THOSE EVIL TACTICS
TO OCCUPY,
AND YOU HAVE A FUCKING
WINNING RECIPE.
YOU FOLLOW L. RON HUBBARD'S
INTIMIDATION,
INFILTRATION, HARASSMENT,
BLACKMAIL,
COMPLETE ABUSE OF
THE LEGAL SYSTEM,
WHERE YOU JUST TURN A CROSS-EYED
STINK LOOK AT SCIENTOLOGY,
AND THEY'LL SUE YOU
INTO POVERTY.
YOU USE THAT FOR GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHA L. RON HUBBARD DIDN'T HAVE
IN HIS MASTER PLAN
FOR WORLD DOMINATION?
DRUM CIRCLE!
IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT.
IT'S ANNOYING AS SHIT.
YOU HAD ENOUGH TIME
IN A YEAR
TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY
REAL INSTRUMENTS.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD
A WHOLE NEW ORLEANS-STYLE
JAZZ SWING BAND
THAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.
BUT INSTEAD, WHAT?
I'M NOT AGAINST YOU.
I APPRECIATE THE PASSION.
I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE
WHO HAS A CAUSE IN LIFE
WHERE THEY PUT THAT MUCH TIME
AND EFFOR INTO TRYING TO CHANGE
SOMETHING--
HOW DO YOU PICK ONE THING?
HOW DO YOU WAKE UP
IN THE MORNING
AND LOOK AT THE BILLIONS OF
THINGS THAT SUCK ON THIS PLANET?
YOU LOG INTO
YOUR YAHOO! NEWS
AND IT'S JUST COUNTRIES YOU
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE COUNTRIES
HAVE PROBLEMS
YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED.
HOW DO YOU PICK
ONE SLIVER OF THA AND DECIDE,
THAT'S THE ONE.
WE HAVE TO PRINT UP T-SHIRTS
AND HAVE A CAR WASH.
I WOULD BE SO CONFUSED.
I WANT TO MAKE CHANGE.
HOW DO YOU PICK SOMETHING
IF IT HASN'T AFFECTED YOU?
OH, JUVENILE DIABETES?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I HAVE
LOTS OF FREE TIME
DURING THE DAY.
I GUESS I SHOULD--OH, WAIT.
SPINA BIFIDA,
AND THE GUY'S RIGHT HERE,
AND HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE
TO LOOK AT.
SO MAYBE I'LL GO
WITH THIS GUY'S CAUSE.
AND CLITORAL CIRCUMCISION
IN THE THIRD WORLD?
I KNOW THAT GIVES ME A HANDY
EXCUSE FOR NOT FINDING IT,
BUT THAT'S SELFISH, AND I HAVE
TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ME.
AND AS SOON AS YOU FOCUS
ON ONE THING,
HERE COMES SARAH MCLACHLAN
ON THE TV
WITH THE SKINNY, SAD PUPPIES
AND THE ABUSED--
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL."
I DON'T KNOW WHY ANIMALS
ALWAYS SEEM TO TRUMP
ANY HUMAN CAUSE, BUT THEY DO.
AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOU FUCKING CORRECTIVE RAPE,
WHICH IS SOME WEIRD THING
IN SOUTH AFRICA, YOU KNOW?
CORRECTIVE RAPE IS WHERE
THEY GANG-RAPE LESBIANS
TO TRY TO CURE THEM,
AND I WANT TO--
I'M BEHIND THAT,
JUST TO BRING ATTENTION TO IT,
'CAUSE THE TERM
"CORRECTIVE RAPE"
IS SUCH A GOOD
COMEDY REFERENCE
THAT I DEMAND
A BIGGER LAUGH
WHEN I MENTION
CORRECTIVE RAPE,
BUT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT.
SO, I WANT TO BRING ATTENTION
TO YOUR CAUSE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU PICK.
IF I HAD ANY CAUSE
OVER THE COURSE OF MY CAREER
THAT I'VE BITCHED
THE MOST ABOUT,
IT'S OVERPOPULATION,
WHICH IS THE ROO OF MOST OF THE OTHER PROBLEMS
YOU CARE ABOUT.
ANTI-CHILDREN, BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO SEND A CHECK.
I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO?
THE ONLY SOLUTION THA I'VE EVER COME UP WITH,
WHICH I THINK IS GREAT,
BUT NO ONE'S GOTTEN ON BOARD,
INCENTIVE-BASED EUGENICS.
EUGENICS WAS A PRACTICE
OF STERILIZING PEOPLE.
HITLER GOT A LO OF THE CREDIT FOR IT,
BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY DONE
IN THIS COUNTRY
LONG BEFORE HITLER
EVEN KNEW WHO HE WAS MAD AT.
WE WERE PRACTICING EUGENICS
IN THIS COUNTRY.
EUGENICS WAS THE PRACTICE
OF FORCED STERILIZATION OF
UNDESIRABLES, WHICH SOUNDS BAD.
AND THE WAY THEY DID I WAS BAD 'CAUSE THEY WOULD--
FIRST OF ALL,
THE FORCE IS WRONG.
YOU DON'T FORCE PEOPLE TO DO
THINGS THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
AND, "B," WHO DECIDES
WHO'S UNDESIRABLE?
THEY WERE DOING I IN THIS COUNTRY
AT THE TURN
OF THE 20TH CENTURY,
WHICH IS THE 1900S,
FOR A LOT OF MY FANS.
EARLY 1900S.
TO CRIMINALS, PERVERTS,
WHICH IS WAY TOO VAGUE,
THE MENTALLY ILL,
MENTALLY RETARDED,
HOMOSEXUALS,
WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
WE DON'T WANT THEM
BREEDING.
HAVE LITTLE QUEERS RUNNING
ALL UP AND DOWN LIKE GREMLINS.
BUT IF YOU TOOK AWAY
THE FORCE,
AND YOU JUST MADE I INCENTIVE-BASED
FOR PEOPLE WILLING
TO STERILIZE THEMSELVES.
OFFER UP
SOME WHITE TRASH PRIZES.
YOU KNOW, NASCAR PIT PASS,
MEET YOUR FAVORITE DRIVER.
ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO
IS SNIP THE SAC.
"REALLY?"
YEAR'S SUPPLY
OF SUNNY DELIGHT.
YOU WANT SOME SUNNY D,
DON'T YOU?
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PUTTY UP
THAT FRONT HOLE, LADY.
YOU STILL HAVE
TWO HOLES LEF TO TRICK GUYS
OUT OF DRINKS AT THE BAR.
WHAT DO WE GOT TO DO?
"ARE YOU TELLING ME,
IF I CUT OFF MY BALLS,
I'M GOING CROSSBOW HUNTING
WITH TED NUGENT?"
WELL, SHIT, YEAH.
"NO. NO, SIR, SIR, SIR.
WAIT, NO.
"WE DON'T ACTUALLY
CUT OFF YOUR BALLS.
WE JUST MAKE A SMALL INCISION
WITH A LOCAL ANESTHETIC."
"FUCK YOU. I WANT YOU
TO CUT OFF MY WHOLE BALLS.
"I'M GONNA HANG THEM
FROM MY REAR-VIEW MIRROR
"LIKE A LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT.
"I'M GOING CROSSBOW HUNTING
WITH THE NUGE.
I AIN'T NEVER WON NOTHING
IN MY LIFE."
THAT'S A WORKABLE PLAN.
CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK.
IF YOU'RE BEHIND
WHATEVER YOU'RE BEHIND,
WE SHOULD TRIAGE
ALL CHARITY.
SO WE TAKE THE MOST IMPORTAN AND MOST EASILY SOLVED FIRST.
EVERYONE WORKS ON THAT, AND
WE'LL GET TO YOURS EVENTUALLY.
I WOULD START WITH STARVING
PEOPLE IN A WORLD FULL OF FOOD.
THAT SEEMS EASY TO SOLVE.
YOU DON'T NEED SCIENTISTS WITH
LAB REPORTS AND YEARS, NO.
THERE'S LOTS OF SHITLOADS
OF FOOD.
THERE'S JUS A TRANSIT PROBLEM.
GET SOMEONE FROM FEDEX,
GET THE FOOD THERE.
WE LIVE IN A PLACE, FUCKING
HORSE MEAT IS A SCANDAL.
THEY FOUND HORSE MEAT.
"HOW DARE--OH, MY GOD.
HAVE YOU HEARD?
"THERE WAS HORSE MEAT IN MY
FROZEN, PROCESSED LASAGNA MEAL.
HOW DARE THEY PUT A MORE LEAN
AND NUTRITIONAL MEAT?"
AND NOW WE'RE GONNA DUMP I BY THE WAREHOUSEFULS
IN THE GARBAGE DUMPS,
WHILE PEOPLE ARE STARVING
TO DEATH ON THIS PLANET.
THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
I CAN SOLVE THAT.
YEAH.
TAKE THAT FOOD AND FEED
THE PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE IT.
AND THEN WE GET DOWN TO
THE NEXT MOST IMPORTAN AND THE WRONGLY ACCUSED
AND THE TORTURE
AND THE THING
AND THE DISEASE AND--
OCCUPY IS LOWER,
AND THEN, SAVE THE MANATEES
EVEN LOWER THAN THAT.
AND EVENTUALLY, HOPEFULLY,
IN A PERFECT WORLD,
WE'D GET DOWN TO THE BOTTOM,
WHICH IS TOYS FOR TOTS.
HOW FUCKING EMBARRASSING IS I TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY
WHERE TOYS FOR TOTS
IS AN ACTUAL RECOGNIZED,
LEGITIMATE CHARITY?
GOD FORBID LITTLE DANIEL
GO THROUGH SOME BOGUS HOLIDAY
MADE FOR SOME FAKE DEITY
WITHOUT LINCOLN LOGS.
THE HORROR.
THE HORROR.
THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE TO HAVE
MARINES AND BIKERS
ENFORCE THAT SHI LIKE HENCHMEN.
'CAUSE OTHERWISE,
YOU'D JUST GO, "FUCK YOU.
TOYS?
THERE'S STARVING PEOPLE."
AND THEN SOME BIG,
FUCKING, CREW-CUT GUY.
"I FUCKING FOUGH FOR YOUR FREEDOM!
GIVE ME A GODDAMNED LEGO
FOR THE KID!"
IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH.
WHATEVER YOUR CAUSE,
YOUR CHARITY, OR YOUR DRIVE,
YOUR EFFORT, AUDIT IT.
MAKE SURE, 'CAUSE SO MUCH OF I IS SYMBOLISM OVER SUBSTANCE,
WHERE PEOPLE THINK THEY'RE
HELPING BY DOING NOTHING.
AUDIT ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT,
AND SEE IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY
AFFECTING CHANGE
RATHER THAN JUST,
"OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A 10K FUN RUN FOR THE CURE.
"COME ON DOWN ON SUNDAY.
IT'S A 10K FUN RUN
FOR THE CURE."
WHY? WHY?
WHEN HAS RUNNING
EVER CURED ANYTHING?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CAUSE
AND EFFECT ON THIS.
IS THAT HOW
JONAS SALK CURED POLIO,
IS BY SPEED-WALKING
AROUND THE TRACK
DOWN AT ST. MARY'S HIGH SCHOOL
WITH A WIFE BEATER ON
AND A PAPER NUMBER
SAFETY-PINNED TO HIS BACK?
"OH, WE'RE DOING I FOR THE CURE."
HOW ARE YOU CURING ANYTHING?
"WELL, WHAT I DO
IS I GET SPONSORS.
"AND EVERY TIME I GO AROUND
THE TRACK ANOTHER TIME,
"MY SPONSOR GIVES ME ANOTHER
QUARTER FOR THE CURE.
SO I'VE GOT TO GO
AS MANY TIMES AS I..."
ARE YOUR FRIENDS THAT SICK
AND SADOMASOCHISTIC
THAT THEY WOULDN'T JUS CUT YOU A CHECK OUTRIGH FOR THE CURE?
THEY MAKE YOU DO WEIRD SHI FIRST?
"LARRY, YOU KNOW MY DAUGHTER
WAS BORN WITH CEREBRAL PALSY.
AND WE'RE TRYING TO GET A BIG
FUNDRAISER GOING."
"REALLY?"
"YEAH.
"HOW MANY HARD-BOILED EGGS
WILL YOU EAT?
"COME ON.
COME ON.
YOU LOVE YOUR KID, RIGHT?
COME ON."
NO, THEY WOULD CUT YOU
A CHECK OUTRIGHT,
BUT YOU'RE THAT MUCH OF
A FUCKING MEGALOMANIAC
THAT YOU HAVE
TO MAKE THE CURE ABOUT YOU.
YOU NEED SPOTLIGHT IN THIS.
YOU COULD JUS GET A CHECK,
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA
FUCKING BE,
"OH, NO. YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS,
I DO THIS SAME SPEED WALK
"AT ST. MARY'S
EVERY MORNING AT 6:30
"BEFORE WORK
WITH MY LABRADOR, SHEBA.
"TRYING TO SHED A FEW POUNDS,
YOU KNOW.
"BUT NO ONE CLAPS FOR ME THEN
AND CALLS ME HEROIC.
"SO I'M GONNA DO IT ON SUNDAY
AFTERNOON FOR THE CURE,
AND EVERYONE'S GONNA GO,
'GO, RAY, GO!'"
YEAH, YOU COULD DO IT,
BUT YOU WANT TO FUCKING--
IT'S A 10K FUN RUN ABOUT YOU,
YOU FUCKING MEGALOMANIAC.
STOP IT.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT DOING SHIT.
YOU COULD JUST GET THE CHECK
FROM YOUR FRIEND
AND THEN ACTUALLY
DO SOMETHING
THAT MEANS SOMETHING
OTHER THAN RUNNING.
"WE'RE GETTING DONATIONS,
AND WE'RE PETITIONING CITY HALL
"FOR A SPOT IN THE PARK
TO MAKE A BIG, GRANITE SLAB
"FOR THE VICTIMS
AND THE SUFFERERS
"AND THE SURVIVORS OF
THE THING.
"AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
PAINSTAKINGLY ETCH EACH NAME
OF THE PEOPLE INTO THE STONE
AT GREAT EXPENSE."
FOR WHAT?
IT'S A FUCKING CHUNK OF ROCK.
IT DOESN'T HELP.
PUT THAT TIME AND EFFOR AND MONEY
INTO ACTUALLY SOMETHING
THAT'S CALCULATED
THAT ACTUALLY HELPS.
"WE'RE GONNA KNI A SARS QUILT.
"IT'S GONNA TAKE
ALL SUMMER LONG.
"'CAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE
WITH SARS,
AND THEY'RE CHILLY WITH SARS,
AND THEY NEED A QUILT."
WHAT?
"WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A PRAYER CIRCLE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A CANDLELIGH VIGIL AT MIDNIGHT."
COULD YOU DO LESS?
MATHEMATICALLY.
ASK YOUR ACCOUNTAN IF THERE'S ANY WAY
YOU COULD DO ANY LESS
THAN THAT.
"WELL, WE ARE RAISING
AWARENESS."
RAISING AWARENESS IS ANOTHER
FORM OF DOING NOTHING.
ONLY NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME
AWARE THAT THE NOTHING
THAT I'VE BEEN DOING
IS NOT UP TO PAR
WITH THE NOTHING
THAT YOU'RE DOING
FOR SUCH A NOBLE CAUSE.
WHY DON'T YOU DO MY NOTHING
FOR YOUR CAUSE?
WE'LL WATCH STORAGE WARS
FOR THE CURE,
AND THEN WE'LL BOTH BE HAPPY
IN OUR IMPOTENCE.
AND WE'LL FIND OU WHAT'S IN THAT SAFE.
WE ALL WIN.
RAISING AWARENESS IS ME STANDING
NEXT TO A DRAINAGE DITCH
WHERE A GUY JUST HIT A GOA WITH HIS MOPED ON THE HIGHWAY.
AND NOW
THEY'RE IN THE DITCH,
LAYING IN THE MUCK
WITH COMPOUND FRACTURES.
AND THE DUDE'S GOT A BONE
STICKING THROUGH HIS LEG.
AND THE FUCKING GOAT'S GO A BONE STICKING THROUGH HIS FUR.
THEY'RE BOTH LAYING THERE
IN AGONY.
AND I'M RAISING AWARENESS
BY STANDING ABOVE THEM,
SHOUTING DOWN AN EMPTY HIGHWAY,
"LOOK! LOOK! EWW!
EWW, LOOK. OOH."
AND THEY'RE GOING,
"NO, HELP."
AND I'M GOING,
"NO, NO, NO. LOOK!"
IT'S WAY EASIER
TO JUST LOOK.
ARE YOU AWARE
OF BREAST CANCER?
FUCKING THE ENTIRE MONTH
OF OCTOBER
IS BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS MONTH.
THE ENTIRE COUNTRY TURNS PINK
SO YOU CAN'T NOT BE AWARE.
ALL YOUR PRODUCTS,
YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.
"USUALLY I BUY
THE PROGRESSO SOUP.
"BUT THIS MONTH, I'M GONNA GE THE ONE WITH THE PINK RIBBON,
"SO I KNOW THAT I'VE DONE
ALL I CAN TO HELP MY FELLOW MAN.
"I DON'T READ THE FINE PRIN THAT SAYS,
".000001 CENTS OF EVERY CAN
UP TO A VERY MINIMAL AMOUN GOES TO--"
OH, IT ACTUALLY GOES NOWHERE
NEAR A TITTY, EVER, AT ALL.
IT GOES TO MORE
PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL
ASKING FOR MORE MONEY
AND TO GIVE
VERY DUBIOUS MEDICAL ADVICE
WHERE A LOT OF TITTIES GE CHOPPED OFF THAT DIDN'T NEED TO
BECAUSE WE'RE AN INDUSTRY,
NOT A CHARITY ANYMORE.
I DON'T READ THAT PART.
I JUST SEE THE PINK RIBBON
AND KNOW THAT I'M HELPING.
YOU'VE DESTROYED
THE COLOR PINK.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT.
I LIKE THE COLOR PINK,
AND YOU'VE RUINED IT.
YOU SEE PINK, THAT'S ALL
YOU CAN THINK ABOUT.
I HAVE A PINK BEDROOM.
MY BEDROOM IS PINK.
I CAN'T SLEEP IN I DURING OCTOBER
'CAUSE YOU JUST SEE THE COLOR,
AND ALL YOU THINK ABOU IS GIANT,
METASTASIZING TITTIES
SUCKING THE LIFE
OUT OF SOME POOR WOMAN.
WHY DO YOU FUCK UP A COLOR?
ASSOCIATE IT WITH SOMETHING ELSE
THAT'S NEGATIVE.
YOU KNOW, "TRAFFIC AND WEATHER
BROUGHT TO YOU
"AT THE TOP OF THE HOUR
ON FUCKING 620 AM.
"HEY, TRAFFIC SUCKS AGAIN.
THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY BREAST CANCER."
AND THAT WAY, NEXT TIME
YOU'RE STUCK IN TRAFFIC,
YOU GO, "OH, WOW. FUCK.
"THIS SUCKS,
BUT NOT AS BAD AS CANCER.
MAYBE I SHOULD TRY TO HELP."
DON'T FUCK UP A COLOR.
DO YOU WATCH FOOTBALL?
THIS IS WHERE
IT WENT TOO FAR WITH ME.
THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
PARTICIPATES
IN BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS MONTH.
FIRST OF ALL, WHY IS I BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH
RATHER THAN
CANCER AWARENESS MONTH?
I ASSUME IF YOU CURE
BREAST CANCER,
THAT WOULD CURE ASS CANCER
AND FACE CANCER AND SHIT CANCER.
IT'S CANCER.
'CAUSE TITTIES SELL TICKETS,
STUPID!
OKAY, I FORGE THE MARKETING ANGLE.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ON THAT.
STILL, THE NATIONAL
FOOTBALL LEAGUE PARTICIPATES
WITH THE PINK GLOVES
AND JUST PINK ON THE PLAYERS.
WHERE IF YOU THINK FOOTBALL
IS STUPID, YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT IT'S MY STUPID.
YOU HAVE YOUR STUPID.
YOU CAN JUDGE ME IN SPORTS.
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STUPID.
YOU PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAF OR YOU DO
RENAISSANCE FESTIVALS
OR YOU FUCKING WIN
BRIAN DOYLE MURRAY
LOOK-ALIKE COMPETITIONS
OR FUCKING DO...
YOU GROW ORGANIC APPLES
AND SELL THEM
AT THE FARMER'S MARKET.
YOU LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ITALIAN
ON THE ROSETTA STONE
SO ONE DAY YOU CAN
IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS
BY ORDERING IN ITALIAN
AT A RESTAURAN AND THE FUCKING WAITER A OLIVE GARDEN LOOKS AT YOU GOING,
'I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, DUDE."
WHATEVER YOU DO,
FOOTBALL IS MY STUPID.
THAT'S WHAT I DO FOR
A FEW HOURS ON A WEEKEND
IN THE FALL TO FORGE HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF.
I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOU BREAST CANCER
WHILE I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL
TO GET AWAY FROM THIS.
IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO WATCH
FOOTBALL AS IT IS,
IF YOU'RE A FAN,
WITHOUT CONSTANTLY
THINKING ABOUT AIDS.
YOU HAVE TO PUSH THA OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
INHERENTLY, IF YOU'RE
A FAN OF THE GAME,
WITH THE TECHNOLOGY
THAT THEY HAVE NOW,
YOU WATCH MONDAY NIGH FOOTBALL OR SUPER BOWL,
THEY HAVE CAMERAS NOW
THAT COME DOWN ON CABLES
RIGHT OVER THE FIELD, LIKE
RIGHT OVER THE PLAYERS' HEADS,
ALMOST TOUCHING THEM.
YOU HAVE 60 INCHES
OF HIGH DEFINITION.
YOU HAVE A CAMERA PANNING AROUND
11 MEN BENT UP IN A HUDDLE,
PRESENTING THESE BEAUTIFUL,
THICK MAN-ASSES.
AND IT'S ZOOMING IN
ON EACH ONE.
AND IT CREATES THIS BANGKOK
WHOREHOUSE SCENARIO
IN YOUR BRAIN.
YOU FEEL A LITTLE TUGGLE
IN YOUR SWEATPANTS.
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH.
WHAT IF THEY WERE
BEHIND GLASS IN PHUKET?"
WHICH ONE WOULD I SELECT FOR
MY EVENING'S ENTERTAINMEN FROM THE CAMBODIAN GUY
THAT RUNS THE PLACE,
AND HE'S GOT AN EYE PATCH.
AND I GO,
"CHING DAI BO DAH!"
AND HE PULLS THE GUY OUT.
NUMBER 28.
I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN
ALL THE GUYS,
AND I IMPULSE-BUY ON 28.
HE'S A HALFBACK WITH THESE
SINEWY HORSE HAUNCHES,
LEANING INTO ME,
AND IN MY MIND,
BEFORE I CAN MAKE
A RATIONAL DECISION,
I'VE ALREADY LEAPED OVER
THE RAILING AT THE FIELD.
I'M STREAKING BUTT-NAKED
ACROSS THE FIELD,
WEARING NOTHING BUT A--
WEARING AN 1800S NIGHTCAP
THAT'S STRIPED
WITH A POM-POM.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT.
BUT I'M WEARING FLIP-FLOPS
'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU
RUN FUNNIER.
BUT MY DICK IS SLAPPING
UP AND DOWN
AGAINST MY BELLY.
YOU MAKE YOU DICK HOWEVER BIG
YOU WANT IT TO BE.
IT'S YOUR FANTASY.
HAVE YOUR DICK SLAPPING
YOUR CHEST.
HAVE YOUR DICK TAKE A TOOTH OU ON THE WAY TO THE HUDDLE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
JUST GET TO 28
AND YANK HIM OUT OF THE HUDDLE
AND PIN HIM TO THE GROUND.
HOLD HIM DOWN
WITH ONE ELBOW.
PEEL THOSE...
THEY WEAR
THESE LITTLE LYCRA PANTS.
THEY'RE SO
FUCKING GORGEOUS.
AND YOU JUST PEEL THEM
OFF HIM. AND HE'S SWEATY.
THEY'RE JUST GOING TO SLIDE OFF
LIKE A WET BAND-AID.
DON'T FUCK
WITH THE JOCKSTRAP.
IT'S NO OBSTACLE
TO THE ASSHOLE.
YOU'LL WASTE YOUR TIME.
PLUS, THE LITTLE STRAPS
KEEP THE ASS CHEEK UP
AND FOCUSED.
STEAM COMES OFF HIS ASS.
GET YOUR FACE IN THERE.
YOU HUFF THAT STEAM.
YOU HUFF IT LIKE A GASSY RAG.
INHALE HIS ESSENCE.
AND YOU PEEL
THOSE ASS CHEEKS APAR WITH YOUR THUMBNAILS
LIKE YOUR CRACKING A CAGE-FREE,
FARM-FRESH EGG.
AND YOU TAKE YOUR DICK.
DON'T STAB HIM
WITH IT RIGHT AWAY.
TEASE HIM WITH IT.
HERE WE GO.
IN AND UP,
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE, PEOPLE.
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE.
WATCH HIM STRUGGLE.
HE KNOWS IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN.
AH, AH, AH, OH.
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE.
PULL ON HIS FACE MASK
A BIT.
TWIST HIS NECK.
PULL ON HIS DREADLOCKS.
AND THESE ARE NO OCCUPY WALL STREET DREADLOCKS,
BY THE WAY.
THIS IS A BLACK DUDE.
THIS IS STRAIGHT UP RACISM.
THIS IS A HATE CRIME.
BECAUSE YOU ARE PRETTY SURE
THAT YOUR EX-WIFE
USED TO FANTASIZE
ABOUT THIS GUY
DOING SIMILAR SHIT TO HER.
YOU KNEW IT.
OH, YEAH.
YOU WANT TO DO THA TO MY WIFE?
YOU'LL NEVER GE A THICKER BONER
THAN THAT ANGRY,
RACIST, JEALOUSY BONER.
VEINS ARE COMING
OUT OF THE HEAD,
AND NOTHING
MAKES YOU CRAZIER
THAN WHEN YOU
GET THAT BONER
AND YOU JUST JAM IT IN HIM
LIKE A FAT SALAMANDER
AND YOU RIDE.
YOU DO THAT PORN ANGLE,
WHERE YOU
BEND YOUR DICK DOWN
AND DO DEEP KNEE BENDS SO YOU
CAN LOOK AT THE PEOPLE.
YOU HAVE--55,000 PEOPLE
ARE NOW OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS,
ON THEIR FEET,
CHANTING FOR YOU.
THEY LOVE YOU.
THEY'RE LIKE, "FUCK THAT GUY!
FUCK THAT GUY!"
THIS IS HIS HOME FIELD,
AND THEY'RE ON YOUR SIDE,
ALL OF A SUDDEN.
"FUCK THAT DUDE, YEAH!"
THEY'RE SPILLING BEER.
YOU FEEL THE RUBBER
START TO SLIDE OFF OF YOU,
BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
THIS IS MY DAY.
THEY LOVE ME.
I'M GOING TO LAUNCH
RAINBOWS OF CUM
INTO THIS BROKEN
MOTHERFUCKER.
AND YOU DO.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN DONE COMING
WHEN YOU PULL OUT.
YOUR DICK'S JUS STILL FIRE-HOSING,
SWAYING BACK AND FORTH,
GETTING RID OF THE LAS OF THE SPURTS.
AND YOU HAVE AN END ZONE
CELEBRATION DANCE
THAT YOU'VE WORKED OUT IN
THE HALLWAY MIRROR ALL SEASON.
LITTLE OLD-SCHOOL
ICKEY SHUFFLE THING.
AND YOU SPIKE THE BALL
RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HEAD.
HE'S BLUBBERING, LIKE,
SNOT BUBBLES, AND CRYING.
HE'S NOT EVEN MAKING
AN ATTEMPT TO GET UP.
HIS ASSHOLE IS STILL DILATED
AND SPASMING.
HIS ASSHOLE IS WINKING
LIKE A CYCLOPS IN A RAINSTORM,
JUST TRYING TO REGAIN
ITS ORIGINAL SHAPE.
ONE MILKY TEAR
IS DRIPPING DOWN THE TAINT.
IT'S CRYING FOR YOU.
AND YOU FLOAT OUT OF THIS
PERFECT SUNDAY AFTERNOON
AND THIS PERFECT DAYDREAM,
BACK INTO THE STARK REALITY OF,
IT'S JUST YOU WITH SOME BLOATED,
POST MIDDLE-AGE DUDE WITH--
YOU'VE GOT LUMPS OF YELLOWED
GUMMY CUM IN YOUR GUT HAIR.
AND YOU LOOK AROUND.
YOU FEEL IMMEDIATE REMORSE
AND SHAME.
I LET THE RUBBER COME OFF
INSIDE OF THAT GUY.
HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IS THAT,
KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW TODAY,
TO JUST BAREBACK FUCK
A GUY.
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THAT GUY'S BEEN.
I KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING.
HE'S GOING INTO FREE AGENCY.
HE'S FUCKING 32 NOW.
HE'S GOT SHIT KNEES.
HE'S LUCKY IF HE'S WARMING
A BENCH IN JACKSONVILLE.
BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHERE HE'S BEEN.
TO JUST BAREBACK FUCK
THE GUY.
I COULD HAVE FANTASY AIDS
AS WE SPEAK,
AND I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
AND AS YOU'RE DEALING WITH THIS,
YOU WANT TO ESCAPE.
YOU LOOK AT THE TV.
PINK SHOES.
I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT BREAS CANCER ON TOP OF THIS PROBLEM?
YOU'RE RUINING THE INTEGRITY
OF THE GAME, BREAST CANCER.
THIS IS WHAT WE DO
ON SUNDAYS TO FORGE HOW MUCH
WE HATE OURSELVES.
AND I DON'T--
I HOPE I DIDN'T RUFFLE
ANY FEATHERS.
BUT AS AN OPENLY GAY COMEDIAN,
I FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY
TO TALK ABOUT A LO OF ISSUES THAT--
WHAT,
ARE YOU GONNA TEST ME?
YOU DON'T KNOW
IF I'M LYING.
I CAN BE AS GAY
AS I WANT TO BE UP HERE.
FUCK YOU.
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
STRAP ME TO A CHAIR
AND BLOW LOADS IN MY FACE
TO SEE IF I'M FIBBING
WHEN I SAY I LOVE IT?
I'M GAY IF IT FUCKING--
IF IT NEEDS TO BE, I'M GAY,
I'M FUCKING GAY.
AND YOU SHOULD BE GAY AS--
I COME OUT OF THE CLOSE ALL THE TIME.
IT'S SOMETHING FUN FOR ME.
DO IT ALL THE TIME.
I'M NOT SAYING LIE
TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY
OR LEAD A FAKE LIFE.
BUT IF YOU'RE JUST IN SOME
BULLSHIT SOCIAL SITUATION
AROUND PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW,
IF YOU CAN DROP THE ERRANT,
"I'M GAY"
IN A CONVERSATION,
NOT REVELATORY, LIKE,
"I HAVE TO TELL YOU."
JUST DROP IT AS AN ASIDE.
"IS IT JUST YOU AND YOUR
GIRLFRIEND FOR BREAKFAST?"
"OH, THAT'S NO MY GIRLFRIEND.
"I'M GAY,
BUT IT'S JUST TWO OF US.
IS IT A BUFFET OR CAN I
ORDER OFF THE MENU?"
JUST DROP IN, JUST,
IF EVERYONE WAS JUST SOMEONE--
OH, I GUESS
THEY'RE JUST GAY.
'CAUSE HERE'S THE THING.
I LOVE HOMOSEXUALITY.
I DEFEND IT.
BUT I HATE FAGGINESS
BECAUSE IT'S AESTHETICALLY
UNPLEASING.
THE WHOLE
"LA LA LA LA LA" SHINY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
IT'S THE SAME--
I HAVE NOTHING
AGAINST JEWISH PEOPLE.
I HATE JEWINESS.
THE CLAMMY, "NYAH, NYAH, NYAH.
I GET ALL...I'M ALLERGIC."
PERSONALLY,
THAT'S UNPLEASING.
I HATE ANYONE WHO LEADS
WITH THEIR SEXUALITY,
HOMO OR HETERO.
IF I KNOW YOUR SEXUALITY
IN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS
OF MEETING YOU,
YOU'RE FUCKING ANNOYING.
HETEROS ARE THE SAME WAY.
IF YOU HAVE NAKED LADY
MUD FLAPS OR YOU GO,
"OH, AFTER YOUR SHOW,
YOU WANT TO GO TO HOOTERS?"
OR YOU JUST WATCH THE GAME
FOR THE CHEERLEADERS.
JUST GO INTO A BASEMEN AND JERK OFF,
YOU FUCKING TEENAGER,
13-YEAR-OLD,
AND THEN COME BACK WHEN WE CAN
HAVE A REGULAR CONVERSATION.
SO, IT'S NOT--
THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO COME
OUT OF THE CLOSE AS JUST A NORMAL DUDE.
A GUY ON THE PLANE GOING,
"YEAH, I REMEMBER
"WHEN STEWARDESSES
USED TO BE HOT.
NOW THEY'RE ALL FAT."
AND YOU GO, "YEAH.
I'M RIGHT WITH YOU, BUDDY.
"I FUCKING--THANK CHRIS I'M QUEER,
'CAUSE THEY ARE
FAT AS SHIT."
BUT JUST BECAUSE MAYBE
SOMEWHERE AROUND YOU,
WHEN YOU JUST DROP A NORMAL
"I'M GAY" IN A CONVERSATION,
THERE IS AN ADOLESCENT KID
WHO'S JUST COMING TO TERMS
WITH THE FACT THAT HE'S GAY,
AND HE'S FUCKING TERRIFIED,
NOT ONLY OF JUST BEING GAY.
MAYBE HE THINKS
HE HAS TO BE
"JUMP OUT OF THE CAKE
AND RIDE A FUCKING FLOAT,
ASSLESS CHAPS,
ICE CAPADES" GAY.
AND HE HEARS YOU SAY IT JUS LIKE A NORMAL DUDE, "I'M GAY."
AND HE GOES,
"OH, I CAN DO THAT.
"I CAN BE JUST REGULAR
ANDERSON COOPER,
TODD GLASS,
JOEL OSTEEN FAGGOT."
AND YOU GIVE THEM COURAGE.
AND IT'S IN THE SUPREME COUR NOW FOR GAY MARRIAGE.
AND I HOPE YOU GET IT.
GET THE RIGHT TO MARRY,
AND THEN DON'T.
IT'S IMPORTAN TO GET THE RIGHT,
NOT JUST SYMBOLICALLY,
BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE
MARRIED TO GAME THE SYSTEM.
YOU NEED THE INSURANCE.
YOU NEED THE INHERITANCE.
YOU NEED TO PULL THE PLUG.
MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO GE SOMEONE COOL INTO THE COUNTRY.
SO YOU NEED IT FOR THAT.
BUT DON' IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT,
WHERE BLACK PEOPLE
HAD TO FIGHT FOR THE RIGH TO EA AT THE SAME LUNCH COUNTER.
ONCE YOU WON THAT RIGHT,
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T.
GUY'S A FUCKING RACIST.
WHY WOULD YOU SUPPOR HIS BUSINESS
UNLESS YOU'RE JUST TRYING
TO FUCK WITH HIM
AND SHOW UP JUST 'CAUSE
HE DOESN'T WANT YOU?
WHICH I UNDERSTAND,
AND MAYBE THAT'S WHERE
YOU STARTED NOT TIPPING.
IF SO, EVERY TRADITION
HAS TO START SOMEWHERE.
LET'S JUST HOPE IT WAS
FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT,
DANTE'S, PORTLAND.
IT WAS NICE TO BE BACK.
I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
- SO DO YOU MIND JUST COMING
BACK DOWNSTAIRS? YEAH.
- I JUST TOLD THEM I WOULD.
- OH, GREAT. SORRY.
- OH! OH,
WE HAVE ANOTHER CAMERA.
- NO, THAT'S IT.
WE SAID ONE CAMERA.
- YOU WANT THEM
TO COME BACK UP TOO?
- DO YOU WANT THEM
TO FOLLOW YOU?
- WHAT?
- DO YOU WANT...
- YOU JUST ASKED ME TO COME BACK
DOWN THE STAIRS.
- YEAH, DO YOU WANT THEM
TO FOLLOW YOU
OR DO YOU WANT TO JUST...
THEY'LL JUST CATCH YOU.
- NO, NO. THAT'S FINE.
I WAS JUST CONFUSED.
- YEAH.
- TAKE TWO,
I'M COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.
ALL RIGHT.
HI. THAT WAS A SHOW
BROUGHT TO YOU BY ME.
[cheers and applause]
- WE ARE DOWNSTAIRS
IN THE DANTE'S GREEN ROOM
IN PORTLAND, OREGON, SHORTLY
BEFORE WE START TAPING
THE NEW SPECIAL,
BEER HALL PUTSCH.
- WHAT'S A PUTSCH?
- BEER HALL PUTSCH.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- IT WAS HITLER'S
EARLY FAILED ATTEMP AT OVERTHROWING
THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT IN '24,
WHERE HE'D WORK EVERYONE UP
INTO A LATHER IN THE BEER HALL
WITH 1,500 PEOPLE SCREAMING
ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT.
HE GOT THEM ALL TO RACE OU INTO THE STREETS AND,
"WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
THIS SHIT OVER."
AND THEN A FEW PEOPLE GO KILLED,
SO HE RAN
LIKE A PUSSY.
BECAUSE THIS IS,
LIKE, GROUND ZERO
OF WHEN WE BRANCHED OU TO DO OUR OWN THING,
AND IT'S REALLY COOL-LOOKING.
WE CAN'T REALLY PLAY HERE
BECAUSE WE HAVE
TOO BIG OF A DRAW.
SO IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE
TO FILM HERE.
IT'S DARK.
IT'S CREEPY.
IT HAS A HISTORY WITH US.
IT'S JUST--
IT HAS A GOOD FEEL.
AND I FUCKING HATE
DOING THEATERS.
I WISH ALL COMEDY SPECIALS
WERE FILMED IN FUCKING
75-SEATERS,
LIKE OLD LENNY BRUCE.
SMOKY ROOM, LOW CEILING.
THIS ONE'S NOT REAL LOW CEILING,
BUT IT'S GOT THE FEEL.
LET'S GO DRINK.
[applause]
SOME PEOPLE SAY, "YEAH.
I DON'T HAVE TO DRINK
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME."
YOU GO, "OKAY."
BUT THAT MEANS YOU
HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
HOW DO YOU PULL THAT OFF?
JUST ASSUME THE UNIVERSE KNOWS
IT'S YOUR FRIDAY
SO SOME ORGANIC GOOD TIME
WILL SWELL OUT OF THE WOODWORK
AND APPEAR
AT A CERTAIN TIME.
YOU READ THE WEEKLY AND FIND
THE EDITOR'S BEST BE AND YOU EMAIL ALL YOUR DUMB
FRIENDS IN THEIR CUBICLES,
"LET'S MEET UP.
"WE FOUND A LOCAL EATERY
THAT'S WELL REVIEWED.
"IT HAS VEGAN OPTIONS
FOR SHEILA.
WE'LL MEET THERE AT 7:40."
"WHERE IS SHEILA?
SHE'S LATE.
"OUR SOBER GOOD TIME
STARTS IN 40 MINUTES.
"CALL HER
ON HER CELL PHONE.
MAYBE WE CAN
ORDER FOR HER
"BECAUSE WE DON'T WAN TO BE LATE
FOR OUR SOBER GOOD TIME.
IT STARTS IN..."
MAYBE YOU CAME HERE TONIGH TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
WITHOUT DRINKING.
THAT MEANS YOU'RE SOLELY
RELIANT ON ME BEING FUNNY,
WHICH IS A 50/50 SHO AT BES IN THESE WANING YEARS
OF MY CAREER.
IF I SUCK, YOU'RE FUCKED.
ALL THAT SOBER GOOD-TIME
PLANNING AND THE MAPQUESTING
AND THE FINDING THE PARKING.
AND THEN I JUST--
I WAS OFF.
I WAS TOO FUCKED UP
THAT NIGHT, AND I--
NOW THE BLAME'S ON YOU.
I DON'T TAKE THOSE CHANCES.
I DRINK TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
IT'S A FAILSAFE.
I TAKE WHATEVER MUNDANE SHI I WAS DOING ANYWAY,
AND I JUST START POURING BOOZE
ON TOP OF IT.
AND WITHIN A SHORT AMOUN OF TIME, IT'S FANTASTIC.
I'M TALKING TO SOME SHINGLE
SALESMAN IN AN AIRPORT BAR,
AND HE'S SHOWING ME PICTURES
OF HIS DOGS
ON HIS CELL PHONE CAMERA.
"AND THAT'S MISS PATSY
AND THIS IS PATRIOT.
I CALL HIM PATRIOT BECAUSE
I GOT HIM AT 9/11 AND..."
WITHIN FIVE DRINKS,
THAT GUY'S HILARIOUS TO ME.
I'M HUGGING THAT GUY
ON THE WAY TO HIS GATE.
I'M SWAPPING PHONE NUMBERS.
I HAVE A PROBLEM?
NO, LADY.
I HAVE A SOLUTION.
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM...
[cheers and applause]
WITH YOUR SOBER GOOD TIME.
I'LL FEEL LIKE SHI IN THE MORNING,
BUT I'LL KNOW EXACTLY WHY--
BECAUSE I GOT HAMMERED.
YOU WAKE UP, YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT,
YOU WORRY.
"OH, DID I FORGE TO TAKE MY OMEGA-3S?
"MY GLANDS ARE SWOLLEN.
"DID I TOUCH A TOILET HANDLE
WITHOUT SANITIZING?
I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY."
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE
BEEN DRUNK.
AND YOU JUST--YOU WAKE UP
AND GO, "OH, FUCK.
IT'LL GO AWAY
BY THE AFTERNOON."
I DID STOP DRINKING
JAGERMEISTER
AS THOUGH IT WERE SOME, LIKE,
MIRACULOUS LIFE CHOICE.
I BRAGGED TO PEOPLE WHEN I
STOPPED DRINKING JAGERMEISTER,
LIKE I'M DOING BIKRAM YOGA NOW
AND EATING TOFU.
I'M STILL HAMMERED
ALL THE TIME,
BUT IT'S NOT JAGER,
WHICH IS JUST A SHITTY DRINK.
AT SOME POINT, I SAW A CLIP
OF MYSELF ON STAGE
YELLING AT THE BAR,
DRUNK,
"HEY, CAN I GET A SHOT OF
JAGERMEISTER?"
BUT I COULD SEE ME.
LIKE, IN MY HEAD,
I'M YOUNG.
BUT THEN I SAW
I'M JUST AN OLD FUCKING DUDE.
AND JUST THE WORD JAGERMEISTER
COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
IS SOME DESPERATE CRY
TO BE YOUNG AGAIN.
AND IT'S LIKE THE OLD GUY'S
A SILVER-HAIRED FOX,
BUT HE STILL HAS
TWO HOOP EARRINGS.
AND HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, LADIES."
AH, DON'T BE
THAT FUCKING DUDE.
JUST DRINK SOMETHING CLEAR.
'CAUSE...
JAKE LAMOTTA, THE FIGHTER,
IS A NEIGHBOR OF OURS
IN BISBEE, ARIZONA.
HE LIVES TWO BLOCKS DOWN.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW
JAKE LAMOTTA,
HE WAS A FIGHTER,
A LEGENDARY FIGHTER.
THE MOVIE RAGING BULL.
YES. NO? YEAH?
ROBERT DENIRO.
[scattered cheers]
FOR YOU 22-YEAR-OLDS,
LET ME EXPLAIN.
ROBERT DENIRO USED TO BE
AN ACTOR
IN THE MOVING PICTURES.
[cheers and applause]
YEAH.
ONE OF HIS GREATEST ROLES
WAS THA PLAYING JAKE LAMOTTA
IN RAGING BULL.
IT WAS A REAL GUY
THAT'S OUR NEIGHBOR.
AND WE NEVER MET HIM TILL,
LAST YEAR,
A MUTUAL FRIEND BROUGHT HIM
TO THE HOUSE TO WATCH FOOTBALL.
AND WE'RE WICKED EXCITED.
LIKE, FUCKING JAKE LAMOTTA 'S
COMING HERE.
AND THEY BROUGHT HIM OVER.
HE'S LIKE 91.
THERE'S NO JAKE LAMOTTA
LEFT OF THE JAKE LAMOTTA.
SO WE'RE ALL,
LIKE, HAPPY.
AND THEY BRING HIM IN,
AND WE'RE LIKE, "OHH."
LIKE, FOR A BOXER,
MY AGE THEY'RE FUCKED UP,
AND HE'S TWICE THAT.
SO THEY BRING HIM IN.
HE'S FUCKING UP--
THEY HAVE HIM BY ONE ELBOW,
91 YEARS OLD.
[grunting]
AND THEY PLOP IT ON THE COUCH
LIKE AN EGGPLANT.
AND WE'RE LIKE,
"AH, JAKE LAMOTTA 'S HERE."
[laughs nervously]
AND HE'S GOT A TROPHY WIFE
WHO'S 30 YEARS HIS JUNIOR,
WHICH MEANS SHE'S STILL
IN HER 60S, SO...
THE TROPHY IS A BIT TARNISHED
AT THIS POINT.
IT'S NO STANLEY CUP
ANYMORE.
IT'S MORE
OF A BOWLING TROPHY.
AND SHE'S
A VERY SWEET WOMAN.
SHE HAS ALL THE CHARACTERISTICS
OF TROPHY WIFE.
SHE HAS
BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR,
AND THE 60-YEAR-OLD
TIT JOB IS FORCED UP
SO THE GOOD PARTS
ARE SHOWING THROUGH THE TOP.
AND YOU GO--OKAY.
AND SHE'S VERY SWEET.
AND SHE'S TRYING
TO DISTRACT FROM...
JAKE LAMOTTA
DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.
HE DOESN'T KNOW
HE'S WATCHING FOOTBALL.
HE'S CONFUSED ON THE COUCH.
"EHHH."
THE ONLY TIME HE SHOWED
ANY COGNITIVE RECOGNITION
OF HIS SURROUNDINGS--
I SAW HIM SCRAMBLING
WITH HIS CIGARETTES
AND FUMBLING AND LOOKING
TO THE DOOR LIKE,
"WHO WILL WALK ME OU SO I CAN SMOKE?"
AND I SAID, "IT'S OKAY, JAKE.
YOU CAN SMOKE IN THE HOUSE."
AND HE WENT,
"EH? OHH. EHHH."
THAT'S HOW FUCKING DEEP
CIGARETTES GET YOU.
NOTHING ELSE.
HE SAID, "EHH. EHH."
THEN STRAIGHT BACK
TO CONFUSION.
"EHH? EHH."
SO HIS WIFE IS VERY SWEET.
AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME
AND BINGO.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'VE LIVED
HERE SO LONG,
AND WE'VE NEVER MET.
AND IT'S SO NICE."
AND AT SOME POINT, SHE SAYS,
"YOU KNOW, JAKE AND I
"ARE DOING A PLAY
ON SATURDAY NIGH "AT THE CENTRAL
SCHOOL IN OLD BISBEE.
"WE'D LOVE IT IF YOU'D COME.
I WROTE IT MYSELF,"
SHE SAYS.
OH, REALLY?
ALL BY YOUR LITTLE LONELY?
THAT FUCKING HALF-CADAVER
ON MY COUCH
DIDN'T CHIME IN
WITH SOME OF HIS GREAT IDEAS
OF HOW THE SCRIP SHOULD BE WRITTEN
FOR THE ARC OF THE STORY?
AND NORMALLY YOU WOULD
HAVE TO STUN GUN ME,
CATTLE PROD ME
TO GET ME INTO A PLAY.
I'M NOT INTERESTED--UNTIL
I SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF
WITH JAKE LAMOTTA
AT MY HOUSE.
THAT'S GONNA BE
LIVE ON STAGE?
I'M NOT MISSING THIS
FOR THE WORLD.
AND WE WENT,
AND IT LIVED UP
TO EVERY AWFUL
EXPECTATION THAT WE HAD.
IT WAS SO TRAGIC.
SHE WROTE IT HERSELF.
IT'S CALLED
LADY AND THE CHAMP.
[laughter and cheers]
AND SHE WROTE IT, SO THANK GOD
IT'S MOSTLY HER.
AND SHE HAS
AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR,
SO SHE'LL TELL SOME STORIES
AND ANECDOTES
AND THEN SING SOME SHOW TUNE
KIND OF THINGS.
IN THE CORNER STANDS A BOXER
AND A FIGHTER BY HIS
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, GOD."
AND THEN THEY PLOP
THE CHAMP OU ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE STAGE IN A CHAIR.
AND THEY SIT HIM DOWN.
HE STILL HAS NO IDEA
WHERE HE IS.
HE STILL THINKS HE'S WATCHING
FOOTBALL AT MY HOUSE.
"EHH. EHH."
AND HIS ONLY JOB
IS TO PEPPER THE SCRIP WITH SOME ONE-LINERS
AND SOME SHADOW BOXING.
SO OCCASIONALLY,
HE STANDS UP, "EHH.
"I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY
SO MANY TIMES,
I GOT DIABETES."
WHICH IS NOT A BAD LINE FOR
A FUCKING 91-YEAR-OLD BOXER,
EXCEPT THE CHAMP FORGETS
HE ALREADY DID THE LINE.
SO MOMENTS LATER, HE STANDS
BACK UP, "I FOUGHT--"
IN THE MIDDLE OF A SONG,
"I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY."
AND THEY HAVE TO COME OUT.
THEY CAN'T STAGE WHISPER
TO HIM
BECAUSE HE'S DEAF
AS A STUMP.
SO THEY PHYSICALLY
HAVE TO COME OU AND PUSH HIM BACK DOWN
IN HIS CHAIR AND YELL AT HIM,
"NOT YET, CHAMP!
"WAIT TILL THE END OF THE
NUMBER, AND THEN YOU DO THE...
OKAY?
ALL RIGHT."
AND WE'RE IN THE BACK
OF THE ROOM FUCKING DYING.
LIKE IT'S QUIET, WE'RE
HAVING TO BITE OUR HANDS
LIKE CHILDREN IN CHURCH
TRYING NOT TO GIGGLE.
AND...IT WAS LIKE SEEING
IF MR. SCHIAVO
BROUGHT TERRI SCHIAVO
ON THE ROAD
AS A SONG AND DANCE ACT.
HELLO, MY HONEY,
HELLO, MY BABY
HELLO, MY RAGTIME
"UHH.
UHH.
UHH..."
"THANK YOU!
TERRI AND I WILL BE
"SELLING MERCHANDISE
AFTER THE SHOW.
"TERRI WILL LICK YOUR T-SHIRTS
FOR YOU TO PERSONALIZE THEM
"AS A LITTLE SOUVENIR
OF THE GREAT TIME
WE HAD TONIGHT HERE."
AND AS MUCH AS I'M ENJOYING I FOR ALL THE WORST REASONS,
THERE'S PART OF MY HEAD
GOING, "ALL RIGHT.
HOW LONG
BEFORE THAT'S YOU?"
HOW MANY--I'VE BEEN DOING
THIS SHIT 23 YEARS.
HOW LONG?
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF SHOTS
TO THE HEAD,
JUST LIKE THE CHAMP.
HOW LONG BEFORE THAT FINAL
SYNAPSE IN MY BRAIN BURNS OU THAT WOULD HAVE TOLD ME,
"DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF
THOROUGHLY."
BUT I HAVE MY TROPHY WIFE,
BINGO.
SHE DOESN'T WAN TO GET A REAL JOB,
SO SHE'S JUST SHOVING ME
OUT ON THE STAGE.
"GO GET 'EM, CHAMP."
"EHH. EHH.
"EHH.
"JAGERMEISTER!
EHH? EHH."
MAYBE IT ALREADY HAPPENED.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I'M--MAYBE THIS
IS BEING FILMED TO--
"DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE."
I LIVE EVERY DAY
OF MY LIFE
LIKE IT'S MY LAST DAY
ON EARTH, KIDS.
AND I REALLY--
DON'T CLAP.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I LIVE.
THAT MAKES IT EVEN MORE SAD
AND PATHETIC
THAT I WOULD WILLINGLY CHOOSE
TO SPEND ANY GIVEN LAST DAY
ON EARTH IMMOBILIZED
ON A COUCH,
SWEATING, WATCHING A MARATHON
OF STORAGE WARS,
COMPLETELY CONTEN WITH THAT.
FRIENDS GOING, "COME ON.
LET'S DO SOMETHING, MAN.
"LET'S GO OUT.
I CAME ALL THE WAY DOWN.
LET'S GO LIVE LIFE."
YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK YOU.
I AIN'T GETTING UP.
"I'VE HAD TO PISS FOR
THE LAST FOUR EPISODES.
"MY PROSTATE IS WELDED SHU LIKE A LUG NUT.
"AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
I'M NOT GETTING UP.
"I GOT TO FIND OU WHAT'S IN THAT SAFE.
"VERY IMPORTANT TO FIND OU AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE
IN THAT SAFE."
YOU GUYS ALL HAVE INTERESTS
AND YOU DO SHIT.
AND I DON'T.
YEAH.
TRY DOING NOTHING
AS LONG AS ME.
I HAVE "HOUSE ARREST"
ON MY BUCKET LIS JUST SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR WHY
I CAN'T GO DO THE DUMB SHI YOU LIKE
THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
"I'M SORRY.
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR FRIEND
"PLAY THE FLAMENCO GUITAR,
BUT I GOT THE ANKLET.
SORRY."
GO RIGHT BACK TO WATCHING
FUCKING HOARDERS.
I WATCH HOARDERS.
I SEE SHIT I NEED.
[laughs]
I DO.
LIKE THEY BROUGHT THE YARD SALE
INTO MY LIVING ROOM
AND I JUST POKE AROUND.
I'M NOT FOLLOWING
THE DIALOG.
I'M JUST LOOKING
AT THEIR SHIT.
"BINGO, THEY HAVE AN ORANGE
MICROWAVE.
"REWIND IT.
PAUSE.
"THAT'S AN ORANGE MIC--
"HOW DO YOU GET AN ORANGE
MICROWAVE?
"UNDERNEATH THE STACK
OF THE NEWSPAPERS
"AND THE MUMMIFIED CA IS AN ORANGE MICROWAVE.
"FIND IT ON AMAZON.
THAT MIGHT FILL THE VOID
IN MY SOUL. ORANGE."
BECAUSE THAT'S--I DON'T EVEN
DRUNK DIAL PEOPLE ANYMORE
BECAUSE I HAVE
NOTHING TO SAY.
BUT I DRUNK
EBAY AND AMAZON.
I BUY SHI WHEN I'M BLACKED OUT.
WHICH IS--
EBAY'S THE WORST,
BECAUSE IF I GET OUTBID,
THEN I TAKE IT PERSONAL
WHEN I'M DRINKING.
LIKE YOU JUST FUCKING LOOKED
AT MY GIRLFRIEND WEIRD.
"OH, OUTBID ME?
I'M GOING TO FUCKING OUTBID YOU.
"YEAH, I'LL WAIT.
I'LL WAIT.
"COME ON. DO IT.
OH, OUTBID ME?
"OUTBID YOU! BECAUSE YOU
PROBABLY HAVE KIDS.
"I DON'T.
I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY,
"BUT EVERY PENNY I HAVE
IS DISPOSABLE
"BECAUSE I DON' HAVE CHILDREN.
"I BOUGHT A SHITTY,
CHEAP HOUSE
ON THE MEXICAN BORDER.
"MY NUT IS 800 BUCKS A YEAR
IN PROPERTY TAX.
"I COULD BEG THAT.
YOU?
"YOU'RE GONNA OUTBID ME,
EVENTUALLY YOU'RE GONNA REALIZE,
"'OH, SHIT, MY CHILDREN
HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE.'
"AND I'M GONNA REALIZE,
'OH, SHIT.
"'I NEED A VINTAGE PACHINKO
MACHINE IN MY HOUSE
"FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON.'
"OUTBID YOU.
YOU LOSE.
I'M A GIANT WINNER...
SOMEHOW."
WAY WORSE THAN DRUNK DIALING,
BECAUSE DRUNK BUYING SHIT,
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER
YOU DID I FOR FIVE TO SEVEN
BUSINESS DAYS.
YOU WALK OUT OF YOUR HOUSE,
AND UPS IS BUILDING
SOME CORRUGATED
GREAT WALL OF CHINA OUTSIDE.
LIKE, "WHAT DID I DO NOW?
"WHAT DID YOU GET YOURSELF
THIS TIME,
"MR. CHRISTMAS IN JULY?
MIRACLE SOCKS,
AS SEEN ON TV."
ACTUAL PURCHASE.
I DON'T HAVE
CIRCULATION PROBLEMS,
BUT EVIDENTLY WHEN I DRINK
ON AMBIEN,
THAT'S SOME UNDERLYING FEAR
I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW I HAD,
IS DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS.
"I'M GOING TO DIE.
"MAYBE THAT'S WHY
I NEVER WORK AUSTRALIA.
"THAT LONG FLIGH COULD KILL ME
WITH DEEP VEIN
THROMBOSIS."
I HAVE NO FEAR OF DEATH,
EXCEPT I HATE WAITING FOR IT.
JUST COME ON.
I BEAT CANCER.
OH, I NEVER HAD IT.
THAT'S HOW I BEAT IT.
LIKE I'VE--
OH, YOU SURVIVED IT?
I BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT,
BUT BY NOT GETTING IT.
I'VE COURTED CANCER
EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING BU FUCKING PAID CANCER'S
TAXI FARE TO MY HOTEL.
WON'T SHOW UP.
THAT'S BEATING IT.
YOU SURVIVED IT,
YOU'RE LIKE TIED.
I GET THE NUMBER ONE SEED
IN THE BRACKE OVER YOU, SURVIVOR.
I'M A WINNER.
BUT THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE,
AND IF I CAN GIVE YOU
ANY HOPE IN THIS SHOW,
I HAVE DEFINITIVE PROOF
OF AN AFTERLIFE.
I DIDN'T GET WEIRD
OR GO RELIGIOUS ON YOU.
I'M NOT SAYING
THERE'S A GOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHA THE AFTERLIFE ENTAILS,
BUT HERE'S THE PROOF.
MY MOTHER KILLED HERSELF
IN 2008.
DON'T WORRY.
THIS IS A FUN STORY.
IT WAS THE BEST DEATH
YOU COULD EVER BE PART OF.
SHE WAS DYING
OF EMPHYSEMA AT 63.
HER BRAIN WAS STILL WITH IT,
BUT HER--
SHE WAS DROWNING
IN HER OWN FLUIDS.
SHE'S BEING PERMANENTLY
WATER BOARDED BY 45 YEARS
OF KOOL MILDS.
SHE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
WE KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
WHEN SHE MADE THE CALL,
"I CAN'T DO IT."
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MA.
WE'LL DO WHAT WE CAN."
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.
MA'S GONNA KILL HERSELF."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
LIKE THAT'S--
OKAY, WE KNOW
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN,
BUT WHEN YOU SAY,
"WE'RE GONNA DO IT,"
I'M NOT GONNA GO BUY YOU
A FUCKING SHOTGUN.
LIKE, "OH, HAVE FUN, MA."
SO I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
I DON'T KILL PEOPLE.
IT'S JUST--
IT'S NOT SOMETHING,
LIKE, I FANTASIZE ABOUT IT.
IF MY MOTHER
WERE NANCY GRACE,
I'D HAVE BEEN
ALL OVER IT.
LIKE I HAVE PLANS.
BUT MY MOTHER WAS A GREA PERSON, SO I'M LIKE,
"HOW DO WE DO THIS RIGHT?"
SO I CALLED MY LAWYER.
I HAVE THREE LAWYERS.
WE HAVE--
LIKE, WE'RE JEWED UP BIG
WITH LAWYERS IN L.A.
FOR THIS SHIT,
ALL THE CAMERA PEOPLE
AND RECORDING CONTRACTS.
THEN I HAVE
MY LOCAL BISBEE ATTORNEY
THAT HELPS ME WITH--
LIKE, I GOT MARRIED
WHEN I WAS 20 AND I HAD
24 YEARS OF MARITAL BLISS,
TILL I REMEMBERED,
"OH, FUCK.
I NEVER DIVORCED THAT GIRL
I DRUNKENLY MARRIED IN VEGAS."
THAT'S FOR ANOTHER DVD.
SO HE--
BUT THEN WE HAVE OUR THIRD
LAWYER, WHO'S A COMEDY FAN.
HE'S OUR, LIKE WINK-WINK,
NUDGE-NUDGE,
SAUL GOODMAN
FROM BREAKING BAD ATTORNEY.
THAT HE HANDLES
ALL THE CREEPY SHIT,
LIKE WHEN ME AND ANDY
ARE UP LATE AT NIGH DOING BLOW AND THINKING OF--
"CALL KIRSCHNER.
"SEE HOW MUCH JAIL TIME
WE COULD--
COULD WE GO TO PRISON
IF WE ACTUALLY DID THIS?"
HE'S THAT GUY.
SO I CALLED HIM, KNOWING HE'D
HOOK ME UP WITH A DOCTOR
ON THE DOWN LOW, AS WE SAY
IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY,
AS A BLACK PERSON.
HE GAVE ME THE NUMBER
TO A DOCTOR.
AND I GO, "HEY, MY MOTHER'S
GONNA CASH OUT,
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO."
HE SAID,
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"
I GO, "I'VE GOT XANAX
OUT THE ASS."
ON THE BORDER, YOU CAN GET ALL
THE FUCKING XANAX YOU WANT.
HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S NO GOOD.
THAT'S ANTI-ANXIETY.
DOES SHE HAVE HOSPICE CARE?"
"YEAH, SHE DOES."
"THEN SHE SHOULD
HAVE MORPHINE."
"MA, YOU GOT MORPHINE?"
"YEAH, I GOT MORPHINE."
"ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S GOT MORPHINE."
WE WORKED OUT THE DOSAGES
AND THE MILLIGRAMS.
AND HE GOES, "IF SHE HAS
30 OF THOSE,
THAT'S ENOUGH TO KILL ANY
HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET."
SHE HAD FUCKING 90.
LIKE, "OKAY.
WE'RE GOOD. OKAY."
"WE NEVER TALKED.
REMEMBER THAT."
"OKAY, DOC."
SO I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
WE'RE GONNA DO THIS.
FIRST OF ALL,
BRING HER TO MY HOUSE."
BECAUSE SHE LIVED
IN 300 SQUARE FEE OF HOARDER PARADISE.
OLD ELECTRIC BILLS WITH
SPIDER WEBS ALL CRAMMED--
LIKE IT'S DEPRESSING ENOUGH
IF YOU'RE GONNA
HELP YOUR MOTHER KILL HERSELF.
BUT WE'RE GONNA GO TO MY HOUSE.
WE'LL TIDY UP, WE'LL--
SO WE SET HER UP WITH A HOSPITAL
BED IN THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE HAD BEEN AA OFF AND ON
FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.
SHE HAD, AT THIS POINT,
BEEN FOUR YEARS SOBER.
AND I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL YOURSELF SOBER, RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T TAKE
THOSE CHIPS WITH YOU."
RIGHT?
SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
THAT'S DUMB."
SO SHE--
IN HER HEYDAY,
SHE WAS
A BLACK RUSSIAN DRINKER,
SO I SET OUT A MINI BOTTLE
OF KETEL ONE
AND A MINI BOTTLE OF KAHLUA
WITH HER PILLS.
"FOR WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
LET ME KNOW."
WE LAID DOWN GROUND RULES.
I SAID, "MA, IF YOU'RE GONNA
KILL YOURSELF, SERIOUSLY,
"YOU CAN'T DO I ON SUNDAY OR MONDAY
"BECAUSE THAT'S FOOTBALL,
AND THAT'S A DICK MOVE.
"IF YOU CAN CALL YOUR OWN TIME
TO LEAVE THIS PLANET,
"DON'T DO IT DURING SOMEONE
ELSE'S PLANNED EVENT.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE."
AND SHE DID IT THE SATURDAY
BEFORE FOOTBALL.
THAT WAS GREAT.
SHE CAME IN ON THURSDAY.
SATURDAY NIGHT, SHE GOES,
"IT'S TIME."
AND I'M LIKE, "TIME FOR WHAT?
LIKE MEDICATION?"
"NO, IT'S TIME."
AND LIKE, "OH FUCK.
THIS IS REAL."
SO I WAKE UP BINGO.
LIKE IT'S GOING ON.
WE START MIXING UP
WHITE RUSSIANS.
SHE DECIDED TO MAKE
BLACK RUSSIANS WHITE RUSSIANS
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THE MILK
WOULD COAT HER BELLY
BETTER FOR TAKING
ALL THE PILLS.
LIKE MOTHER TILL THE END.
"DO YOU HAVE WHOLE MILK?"
"I GOT SKIM."
"SKIM'LL WORK.
"I JUST DON'T WAN TO THROW UP THE PILLS.
CHICKEN SOUP
FOR THE SUICIDE."
IT WAS SO FUCKING--
IT WAS SO SWEET.
SO WE'RE
WHIPPING UP DRINKS AND--
I DIDN'T SO MUCH ASSIS A SUICIDE AS BAR BACK IT.
LIKE, I'M IN THERE
MIXING DRINKS
BECAUSE WE'RE
ALL DRINKING.
WE WATCH BAD SANTA
TOGETHER,
HER FAVORITE MOVIE,
TOGETHER.
SHE HAD A VERY DARK
SENSE OF HUMOR.
I DIDN'T COME
FROM NOWHERE.
MY MOTHER USED TO REVIEW PORN
ON THE MAN SHOW.
SHE WAS FUCKING DARK
LIKE US.
SO WE WATCHED BAD SANTA,
AND SHE'S TRYING
TO CHOKE DOWN THESE PILLS.
SHE HAD A VERY HARD TIME
TAKING PILLS.
SO SHE'S JUST GAGGING
AND JUST GETTING THEM DOWN.
SO I'M KEEPING
A VAGUE COUNT.
WHEN SHE GOT AROUND 30,
A LITTLE OVER, I'M LIKE,
"MA, THAT'S GOOD.
YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYMORE.
YOU'RE FINE."
AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T WAN TO TAKE ANY CHANCES."
SHE WAS SO SCARED
OF FUCKING UP.
SHE TOOK ALL 90 MORPHINE.
THE--
WE'RE SITTING THERE
IN HORROR, GOING,
"YOU'RE WASTING--
MA...
"THEY SAID 30 OF THOSE WOULD
KILL ANY HUMAN BEING ALIVE.
"YOU COULD LEAVE 60 OF THEM
FOR ME AND BINGO
"AS OUR ONLY INHERITANCE
OTHER THAN THE LAS 17-YEAR-OLD BLIND CA YOU HAVE, GEORGIA."
YEAH, WE COULD HAVE
60 MORPHINES
TO HAVE
SPONTANEOUS MEMORIALS
FOR MOTHER EVERY YEAR
AND AGAIN."
"REMEMBER MOM?
POP A MORPHINE.
"WHOO!
WHAT A GREAT LADY.
WHAT A CRAZY OLD BITCH."
NO.
HOARDER TILL THE END.
ALL FUCKING 90.
AND THEN
WE FUCKED WITH HER.
I REMEMBER HER LAST WORDS
AS SHE'S COMING IN AND OUT.
BECAUSE WE'RE JUST GOOFING
ON HER AS SHE'S DOING THIS,
AS SHE'S FADING
IN AND OUT.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IF SHE WOULD RESPOND.
SHE WAS JUST HAMMERING
COCKTAILS, SHE--
AND SHE'S LAYING THERE,
HALF IN, HALF OUT,
WITH A WHITE RUSSIAN ON HER
CHEST THAT SHE'D
OCCASIONALLY GET TO HER MOUTH,
AND IT'D SPILL.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU COME OFF
THE WAGON,
YOU HIT IT FUCKING HARD.
AND IT'S PRETTY BAD
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING
TO KEEP UP DRINKING
WITH AN 83-POUND,
63-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
"AAGH."
AND I GO, "WOW.
YOU'RE REALLY KNOCKING THOSE
BACK, MA."
AND SHE GOES,
"THERE'S TIMES TO BE DAINTY,
AND THERE'S TIMES
TO BE A PIG."
[cheers and applause]
AND WE ALL LAUGHED.
AND THIS IS MOTHER'S PROBLEM
THROUGHOUT HER LIFE.
SHE WAS A FUNNY LADY,
SPORADICALLY.
BUT WHEN SHE WOULD GET A LAUGH,
SHE WOULD JUST HAMMER I AND OVER-TAG I AND REPEAT THE JOKE.
LIKE, JUST KEEP--
"I CAN KEEP GETTING A LAUGH
OFF THE SAME JOKE."
AND IT WOULD RUIN
THE JOKE.
AND WHEN WE ALL LAUGHED A "THERE'S TIMES TO BE A PIG,"
I SAW HER GO INTO--
SHE'S GONNA--AND I GO,
"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.
THOSE ARE PERFECT LAST WORDS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUIN THIS JOKE.
CUT THE MIC ON MOTHER."
AND THEN WE JUST ROASTED HER
AS SHE FELL IN AND OUT.
WE JUST DID
A FRIAR'S CLUB ROAST,
MAKING FUN OF HER AND
MAKING IT A FUN, DARK SUICIDE.
"MA, WAIT.
THEY FOUND A CURE."
"I LOVE YOU,
BUT FUCK YOU.
I WAS A BAD MOTHER.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU."
AT ONE POINT,
I REMEMBER I SAID,
"MA, IF THERE'S ANY KIND OF
WHITE LIGHT SITUATION,
"THAT OTHER SIDE
THAT YOU GET TO,
"IF YOU CAN COMMUNICATE
WITH US HOUDINI-STYLE,
"SEE IF THERE'S ANY WAY
THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE SAINTS
"COVER EIGHT POINTS
AT OAKLAND TOMORROW
BECAUSE I HAVE MONEY
ON THE GAME."
AND THEY DID. THE SAINTS
FUCKING BLEW THEM OUT--
OCTOBER 12, 2008.
THE SAINTS WON 34 TO 3.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S PROOF
OF AN AFTERLIFE.
THAT WAS JUST 40 BUCKS
THAT I WON.
PROOF OF THE AFTERLIFE
IS THIS.
IF THERE WERE NO AFTERLIFE,
HOW COULD MY MOTHER
HAVE BOUGHT ME
AND MY FRIENDS
SO MANY NICE THINGS
FROM THE SKYMALL CATALOG
ON HER CREDIT CARD
FOUR DAYS AFTER
SHE PASSED FROM THIS EARTH?
[cheers and applause]
ANSWER ME THAT,
YOUR HONOR.
ANSWER ME THAT.
IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO ENTER THESE
CREDIT CARD RECEIPTS
INTO EVIDENCE, AGAINS THE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY.
"LOOK AT THAT.
FOUR DAYS.
"I HAD TO SWEAR
ON YOUR BIBLE
"JUST TO TESTIFY
IN MY OWN DEFENSE.
"YOUR SILLY FAKE JESUS
ONLY LASTED THREE DAYS
"BEFORE HE RAN OU OF THAT CAVE LIKE A PUSSY.
"MY MOTHER? FOUR DAYS,
RELAXING UP THERE.
SHE'S DRUNK EBAYING
LIKE I DO!"
THAT LAST PIECE OF THAT STORY
HAS SPECIAL MEANING TO ME
BECAUSE IN MY ENTIRE CAREER,
THAT'S THE ONLY CHUNK
OF MATERIAL I'VE EVER HAD THA HAD A STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS
BEFORE I COULD COMFORTABLY
TELL IT ON STAGE.
THREE-YEAR STATUTE
FOR CREDIT CARD FRAUD.
AFTER THAT, FUCK YOU.
MOTHER DIDN'T WANT SOME
SILLY GRAVESTONE.
THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
MOTHER WANTED ME TO HAVE
A VOICE-ACTIVATED
REMOTE CONTROL
R2-D2 DOLL.
I'M JUST SAYING WE ALL
OCCUPY IN OUR OWN WAY.
YOU OCCUPY YOUR FUCKING FILTHY
PORTLAND HIPPIE SELVES
BECAUSE YOU HATE THE 1%
AND YOU HATE THE BANKS
BECAUSE OF THEIR
PREDATORY-LENDING PRACTICES
AGAINST THE PEOPLE, AND ENSLAVE
THEM IN A LIFETIME OF DEBT.
WHAT'D YOU DO ABOUT IT?
YOU STUNK UP A PARK
FOR ALMOST A YEAR.
I OCCUPY FAR
MORE EFFICIENTLY.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK TO ME
FOR LEADERSHIP.
I HATE THE BANKS AS WELL,
AS WE ALL DO.
HOW DID I FUCK THEM?
I SPENT THREE HOURS
JACKING UP
MOTHER'S CHASE BANK VISA CARD
AFTER SHE'S DEAD
UP TO ITS $10,000 LIMIT,
BUYING DUMB SHI THAT NO ONE NEEDS AND STICKING
THEM WITH THE BILL
BECAUSE SHE HAD NO ESTATE
EXCEPT FOR THAT BLIND,
FUCKING LAST CAT.
IF YOU WANT TO REPO THAT,
HAVE AT IT.
[cheers and applause]
THAT ACTUALLY CAUSED DAMAGE
TO THE BANK.
NOT SITTING AROUND
WITH A DOG WITH A KERCHIEF
AND A CARDBOARD SIGN,
"DOO DOO DOO DOO,"
SLAPPING ON DRUMS
IN A DRUM CIRCLE.
THE FUCKING OCCUPY MOVEMEN WAS SUCH A LETDOWN
BECAUSE YOU SEEMED
LIKE ME.
ANGRY, AND WE'RE GONNA
TAKE TO THE STREETS.
AND, HOLY SHIT,
AROUND THE GLOBE,
PEOPLE ARE,
"FUCK THIS.
WE'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING."
AND WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOU FUCKED UP A PARK.
ALL YOU FUCKED UP IN A YEAR
IS SOME GUY'S DAY
WHO WANTED TO THROW
A FRISBEE FOR HIS DOG,
BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE
YOU'RE ALL CAMPED OUT THERE.
YOU HATE THE BANKS?
DON'T FUCK UP THE PARK.
FUCK UP THE BANK.
[cheers and applause]
WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF THIS PROJECT?
NEXT TIME, ME!
"WE DON'T REALLY
HAVE LEADERSHIP."
YOU NEEDED SOME!
YOU HAVE 500 ANGRY PEOPLE
IN A PARK.
GO BREAK THEM UP
INTO SQUADS OF 20.
YOU CAN FUCK UP EVERY
BRANCH OF BANK OF AMERICA
IN A 50-MILE RADIUS.
GO THERE, AND NO AS ANARCHISTS, EITHER.
THROWING BRICKS
THROUGH THE WINDOWS?
WHAT ARE YOU,
A FUCKING TEENAGER?
HAVE SOME INGENUITY.
YOU LINE UP AS CUSTOMERS
AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING.
THEY ONLY HAVE TWO DESKS
TO DO ACTUAL COMMERCE
OTHER THAN CASHING CHECKS
AND SHIT.
YOU CLOG UP THOSE TWO DESKS
AS BOGUS CUSTOMERS.
SIT DOWN, CROSS YOUR LEGS,
APPLY FOR FRIVOLOUS LOANS
ALL DAY LONG.
THAT'S A LOT OF PAPERWORK
FOR EVERY FRIVOLOUS,
"YES, I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS
FOR AN ANT FARM.
"SHARPEN SOME PENCILS.
"THAT'S A BIG STACK
OF PAPERWORK.
I'D LOVE SOME COFFEE."
YOU COMB YOUR DREADLOCKS
OVER TO ONE SIDE,
PUT ON YOUR
$3 SALVATION ARMY SUIT,
AND YOU CLOG UP
ALL THEIR TIME.
"OR YOU COULD DENY ME THE RIGH TO APPLY FOR THE LOAN,
"AND THEN I SUE THE FUCK
OUT OF YOU FOR DISCRIMINATION,
CAUSING EVEN MORE DAMAGE
TO YOUR BOTTOM LINE."
RATHER THAN JUS SITTING OUT THERE IN A PARK
GETTING TEAR-GASSED
BY COPS.
WHAT DOES THAT DO?
WHAT ARE YOU ACCOMPLISHING?
"I GOT IT ON TAPE.
POLICE ABUSE."
YEAH, POLICE ABUSE PEOPLE.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WIN.
YEAH. WELL, YOU WAN TO FIGHT THAT,
AND EVENTUALLY THEY'LL GO,
"IT WAS JUSTIFIED."
"I WAS LAYING THERE.
I'M PARALYZED.
I WAS FACE-DOWN IN THE PARK.
THEY TASED ME."
"JUSTIFIED."
YEAH.
WHY AREN'T YOU THE COPS?
THAT'S A BETTER IDEA.
YOU HAD A FUCKING YEAR
IN THE PARK.
THE FIRST WEEK OF OCCUPY,
YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED EVERYONE
WITH NO POLICE RECORD OUT,
MADE THEM GO APPLY TO BE POLICE.
YOU'D HAVE HAD PEOPLE THAT HAVE
GOTTEN THROUGH THE ACADEMY.
THEY'RE IN THE WORKS NOW.
THEY'RE MOLES ON YOUR SIDE.
THEY'RE SITTING THERE
IN A RIOT HELME WITH A BLUETOOTH UNDERNEATH
THE STAR WARS HELMET,
CALLING YOU IN THE PARK,
GIVING YOU HEADS-UPS.
"HEY, KEVIN.
"YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON
A GAS MASK AROUND 7:45 A.M.,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"
"THANKS, SHANE, BUT WE'RE
ALREADY WEARING GAS MASKS
"'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T SHOWERED
IN 7 1/2 MONTHS,
"AND ANGELA'S SNATCH IS REALLY
STARTING TO REEK UP
"THE PUP TENT SOMETHING
FEROCIOUS.
"BUT KEEP FIGHTING
THE GOOD FIGHT.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!"
GOOD CHRIST.
YOU COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH
WITH THAT.
THERE'S A FUCKING MILLION WAYS
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN CLEVER.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE WIKILEAKS
AND ANONYMOUS,
'CAUSE THEY'RE ACTUALLY
IN THERE.
THEY'RE FUCKING
WITH THE SYSTEM.
THEY'RE NOT SITTING AROUND
CHANTING AND SLAPPING BONGOS.
BRADLEY MANNING DIDN'T GE TO RELEASE ALL THAT INFORMATION
BY SITTING
IN A DRUM CIRCLE.
HE HAD TO GET INSIDE.
THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD FUCKING
READ UP ON SCIENTOLOGY.
AND I'M SERIOUS.
SCIENTOLOGY IS BRILLIANT.
READ THIS BOOK
INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY.
IT'S A BREAKDOWN OF HOW
THAT EVIL MOTHERFUCKER
CREATED THAT RELIGION
IN A MODERN TIME.
EVERY OTHER RELIGION PEOPLE
BELIEVE IN,
YOU ONLY BELIEVE IN I BECAUSE ALL YOUR ANCESTRY DID.
THIS GUY HAD TO CREATE THIS
AND SELL IT TO ADULTS RECENTLY.
IT'S AS STUPID AS ANY OTHER
RELIGION, BUT HOW DID HE DO IT?
HOW DID HE CREATE
THIS LEVIATHAN?
READ THIS BOOK
INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY
AND APPLY THOSE EVIL TACTICS
TO OCCUPY,
AND YOU HAVE A FUCKING
WINNING RECIPE.
YOU FOLLOW L. RON HUBBARD'S
INTIMIDATION,
INFILTRATION, HARASSMENT,
BLACKMAIL,
COMPLETE ABUSE OF
THE LEGAL SYSTEM,
WHERE YOU JUST TURN A CROSS-EYED
STINK LOOK AT SCIENTOLOGY,
AND THEY'LL SUE YOU
INTO POVERTY.
YOU USE THAT FOR GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHA L. RON HUBBARD DIDN'T HAVE
IN HIS MASTER PLAN
FOR WORLD DOMINATION?
DRUM CIRCLE!
IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT.
IT'S ANNOYING AS SHIT.
YOU HAD ENOUGH TIME
IN A YEAR
TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY
REAL INSTRUMENTS.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD
A WHOLE NEW ORLEANS-STYLE
JAZZ SWING BAND
THAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.
BUT INSTEAD, WHAT?
I'M NOT AGAINST YOU.
I APPRECIATE THE PASSION.
I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE
WHO HAS A CAUSE IN LIFE
WHERE THEY PUT THAT MUCH TIME
AND EFFOR INTO TRYING TO CHANGE
SOMETHING--
HOW DO YOU PICK ONE THING?
HOW DO YOU WAKE UP
IN THE MORNING
AND LOOK AT THE BILLIONS OF
THINGS THAT SUCK ON THIS PLANET?
YOU LOG INTO
YOUR YAHOO! NEWS
AND IT'S JUST COUNTRIES YOU
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE COUNTRIES
HAVE PROBLEMS
YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED.
HOW DO YOU PICK
ONE SLIVER OF THA AND DECIDE,
THAT'S THE ONE.
WE HAVE TO PRINT UP T-SHIRTS
AND HAVE A CAR WASH.
I WOULD BE SO CONFUSED.
I WANT TO MAKE CHANGE.
HOW DO YOU PICK SOMETHING
IF IT HASN'T AFFECTED YOU?
OH, JUVENILE DIABETES?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I HAVE
LOTS OF FREE TIME
DURING THE DAY.
I GUESS I SHOULD--OH, WAIT.
SPINA BIFIDA,
AND THE GUY'S RIGHT HERE,
AND HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE
TO LOOK AT.
SO MAYBE I'LL GO
WITH THIS GUY'S CAUSE.
AND CLITORAL CIRCUMCISION
IN THE THIRD WORLD?
I KNOW THAT GIVES ME A HANDY
EXCUSE FOR NOT FINDING IT,
BUT THAT'S SELFISH, AND I HAVE
TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ME.
AND AS SOON AS YOU FOCUS
ON ONE THING,
HERE COMES SARAH MCLACHLAN
ON THE TV
WITH THE SKINNY, SAD PUPPIES
AND THE ABUSED--
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL."
I DON'T KNOW WHY ANIMALS
ALWAYS SEEM TO TRUMP
ANY HUMAN CAUSE, BUT THEY DO.
AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOU FUCKING CORRECTIVE RAPE,
WHICH IS SOME WEIRD THING
IN SOUTH AFRICA, YOU KNOW?
CORRECTIVE RAPE IS WHERE
THEY GANG-RAPE LESBIANS
TO TRY TO CURE THEM,
AND I WANT TO--
I'M BEHIND THAT,
JUST TO BRING ATTENTION TO IT,
'CAUSE THE TERM
"CORRECTIVE RAPE"
IS SUCH A GOOD
COMEDY REFERENCE
THAT I DEMAND
A BIGGER LAUGH
WHEN I MENTION
CORRECTIVE RAPE,
BUT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT.
SO, I WANT TO BRING ATTENTION
TO YOUR CAUSE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU PICK.
IF I HAD ANY CAUSE
OVER THE COURSE OF MY CAREER
THAT I'VE BITCHED
THE MOST ABOUT,
IT'S OVERPOPULATION,
WHICH IS THE ROO OF MOST OF THE OTHER PROBLEMS
YOU CARE ABOUT.
ANTI-CHILDREN, BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO SEND A CHECK.
I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO?
THE ONLY SOLUTION THA I'VE EVER COME UP WITH,
WHICH I THINK IS GREAT,
BUT NO ONE'S GOTTEN ON BOARD,
INCENTIVE-BASED EUGENICS.
EUGENICS WAS A PRACTICE
OF STERILIZING PEOPLE.
HITLER GOT A LO OF THE CREDIT FOR IT,
BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY DONE
IN THIS COUNTRY
LONG BEFORE HITLER
EVEN KNEW WHO HE WAS MAD AT.
WE WERE PRACTICING EUGENICS
IN THIS COUNTRY.
EUGENICS WAS THE PRACTICE
OF FORCED STERILIZATION OF
UNDESIRABLES, WHICH SOUNDS BAD.
AND THE WAY THEY DID I WAS BAD 'CAUSE THEY WOULD--
FIRST OF ALL,
THE FORCE IS WRONG.
YOU DON'T FORCE PEOPLE TO DO
THINGS THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
AND, "B," WHO DECIDES
WHO'S UNDESIRABLE?
THEY WERE DOING I IN THIS COUNTRY
AT THE TURN
OF THE 20TH CENTURY,
WHICH IS THE 1900S,
FOR A LOT OF MY FANS.
EARLY 1900S.
TO CRIMINALS, PERVERTS,
WHICH IS WAY TOO VAGUE,
THE MENTALLY ILL,
MENTALLY RETARDED,
HOMOSEXUALS,
WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
WE DON'T WANT THEM
BREEDING.
HAVE LITTLE QUEERS RUNNING
ALL UP AND DOWN LIKE GREMLINS.
BUT IF YOU TOOK AWAY
THE FORCE,
AND YOU JUST MADE I INCENTIVE-BASED
FOR PEOPLE WILLING
TO STERILIZE THEMSELVES.
OFFER UP
SOME WHITE TRASH PRIZES.
YOU KNOW, NASCAR PIT PASS,
MEET YOUR FAVORITE DRIVER.
ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO
IS SNIP THE SAC.
"REALLY?"
YEAR'S SUPPLY
OF SUNNY DELIGHT.
YOU WANT SOME SUNNY D,
DON'T YOU?
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PUTTY UP
THAT FRONT HOLE, LADY.
YOU STILL HAVE
TWO HOLES LEF TO TRICK GUYS
OUT OF DRINKS AT THE BAR.
WHAT DO WE GOT TO DO?
"ARE YOU TELLING ME,
IF I CUT OFF MY BALLS,
I'M GOING CROSSBOW HUNTING
WITH TED NUGENT?"
WELL, SHIT, YEAH.
"NO. NO, SIR, SIR, SIR.
WAIT, NO.
"WE DON'T ACTUALLY
CUT OFF YOUR BALLS.
WE JUST MAKE A SMALL INCISION
WITH A LOCAL ANESTHETIC."
"FUCK YOU. I WANT YOU
TO CUT OFF MY WHOLE BALLS.
"I'M GONNA HANG THEM
FROM MY REAR-VIEW MIRROR
"LIKE A LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT.
"I'M GOING CROSSBOW HUNTING
WITH THE NUGE.
I AIN'T NEVER WON NOTHING
IN MY LIFE."
THAT'S A WORKABLE PLAN.
CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK.
IF YOU'RE BEHIND
WHATEVER YOU'RE BEHIND,
WE SHOULD TRIAGE
ALL CHARITY.
SO WE TAKE THE MOST IMPORTAN AND MOST EASILY SOLVED FIRST.
EVERYONE WORKS ON THAT, AND
WE'LL GET TO YOURS EVENTUALLY.
I WOULD START WITH STARVING
PEOPLE IN A WORLD FULL OF FOOD.
THAT SEEMS EASY TO SOLVE.
YOU DON'T NEED SCIENTISTS WITH
LAB REPORTS AND YEARS, NO.
THERE'S LOTS OF SHITLOADS
OF FOOD.
THERE'S JUS A TRANSIT PROBLEM.
GET SOMEONE FROM FEDEX,
GET THE FOOD THERE.
WE LIVE IN A PLACE, FUCKING
HORSE MEAT IS A SCANDAL.
THEY FOUND HORSE MEAT.
"HOW DARE--OH, MY GOD.
HAVE YOU HEARD?
"THERE WAS HORSE MEAT IN MY
FROZEN, PROCESSED LASAGNA MEAL.
HOW DARE THEY PUT A MORE LEAN
AND NUTRITIONAL MEAT?"
AND NOW WE'RE GONNA DUMP I BY THE WAREHOUSEFULS
IN THE GARBAGE DUMPS,
WHILE PEOPLE ARE STARVING
TO DEATH ON THIS PLANET.
THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
I CAN SOLVE THAT.
YEAH.
TAKE THAT FOOD AND FEED
THE PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE IT.
AND THEN WE GET DOWN TO
THE NEXT MOST IMPORTAN AND THE WRONGLY ACCUSED
AND THE TORTURE
AND THE THING
AND THE DISEASE AND--
OCCUPY IS LOWER,
AND THEN, SAVE THE MANATEES
EVEN LOWER THAN THAT.
AND EVENTUALLY, HOPEFULLY,
IN A PERFECT WORLD,
WE'D GET DOWN TO THE BOTTOM,
WHICH IS TOYS FOR TOTS.
HOW FUCKING EMBARRASSING IS I TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY
WHERE TOYS FOR TOTS
IS AN ACTUAL RECOGNIZED,
LEGITIMATE CHARITY?
GOD FORBID LITTLE DANIEL
GO THROUGH SOME BOGUS HOLIDAY
MADE FOR SOME FAKE DEITY
WITHOUT LINCOLN LOGS.
THE HORROR.
THE HORROR.
THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE TO HAVE
MARINES AND BIKERS
ENFORCE THAT SHI LIKE HENCHMEN.
'CAUSE OTHERWISE,
YOU'D JUST GO, "FUCK YOU.
TOYS?
THERE'S STARVING PEOPLE."
AND THEN SOME BIG,
FUCKING, CREW-CUT GUY.
"I FUCKING FOUGH FOR YOUR FREEDOM!
GIVE ME A GODDAMNED LEGO
FOR THE KID!"
IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH.
WHATEVER YOUR CAUSE,
YOUR CHARITY, OR YOUR DRIVE,
YOUR EFFORT, AUDIT IT.
MAKE SURE, 'CAUSE SO MUCH OF I IS SYMBOLISM OVER SUBSTANCE,
WHERE PEOPLE THINK THEY'RE
HELPING BY DOING NOTHING.
AUDIT ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT,
AND SEE IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY
AFFECTING CHANGE
RATHER THAN JUST,
"OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A 10K FUN RUN FOR THE CURE.
"COME ON DOWN ON SUNDAY.
IT'S A 10K FUN RUN
FOR THE CURE."
WHY? WHY?
WHEN HAS RUNNING
EVER CURED ANYTHING?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CAUSE
AND EFFECT ON THIS.
IS THAT HOW
JONAS SALK CURED POLIO,
IS BY SPEED-WALKING
AROUND THE TRACK
DOWN AT ST. MARY'S HIGH SCHOOL
WITH A WIFE BEATER ON
AND A PAPER NUMBER
SAFETY-PINNED TO HIS BACK?
"OH, WE'RE DOING I FOR THE CURE."
HOW ARE YOU CURING ANYTHING?
"WELL, WHAT I DO
IS I GET SPONSORS.
"AND EVERY TIME I GO AROUND
THE TRACK ANOTHER TIME,
"MY SPONSOR GIVES ME ANOTHER
QUARTER FOR THE CURE.
SO I'VE GOT TO GO
AS MANY TIMES AS I..."
ARE YOUR FRIENDS THAT SICK
AND SADOMASOCHISTIC
THAT THEY WOULDN'T JUS CUT YOU A CHECK OUTRIGH FOR THE CURE?
THEY MAKE YOU DO WEIRD SHI FIRST?
"LARRY, YOU KNOW MY DAUGHTER
WAS BORN WITH CEREBRAL PALSY.
AND WE'RE TRYING TO GET A BIG
FUNDRAISER GOING."
"REALLY?"
"YEAH.
"HOW MANY HARD-BOILED EGGS
WILL YOU EAT?
"COME ON.
COME ON.
YOU LOVE YOUR KID, RIGHT?
COME ON."
NO, THEY WOULD CUT YOU
A CHECK OUTRIGHT,
BUT YOU'RE THAT MUCH OF
A FUCKING MEGALOMANIAC
THAT YOU HAVE
TO MAKE THE CURE ABOUT YOU.
YOU NEED SPOTLIGHT IN THIS.
YOU COULD JUS GET A CHECK,
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA
FUCKING BE,
"OH, NO. YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS,
I DO THIS SAME SPEED WALK
"AT ST. MARY'S
EVERY MORNING AT 6:30
"BEFORE WORK
WITH MY LABRADOR, SHEBA.
"TRYING TO SHED A FEW POUNDS,
YOU KNOW.
"BUT NO ONE CLAPS FOR ME THEN
AND CALLS ME HEROIC.
"SO I'M GONNA DO IT ON SUNDAY
AFTERNOON FOR THE CURE,
AND EVERYONE'S GONNA GO,
'GO, RAY, GO!'"
YEAH, YOU COULD DO IT,
BUT YOU WANT TO FUCKING--
IT'S A 10K FUN RUN ABOUT YOU,
YOU FUCKING MEGALOMANIAC.
STOP IT.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT DOING SHIT.
YOU COULD JUST GET THE CHECK
FROM YOUR FRIEND
AND THEN ACTUALLY
DO SOMETHING
THAT MEANS SOMETHING
OTHER THAN RUNNING.
"WE'RE GETTING DONATIONS,
AND WE'RE PETITIONING CITY HALL
"FOR A SPOT IN THE PARK
TO MAKE A BIG, GRANITE SLAB
"FOR THE VICTIMS
AND THE SUFFERERS
"AND THE SURVIVORS OF
THE THING.
"AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
PAINSTAKINGLY ETCH EACH NAME
OF THE PEOPLE INTO THE STONE
AT GREAT EXPENSE."
FOR WHAT?
IT'S A FUCKING CHUNK OF ROCK.
IT DOESN'T HELP.
PUT THAT TIME AND EFFOR AND MONEY
INTO ACTUALLY SOMETHING
THAT'S CALCULATED
THAT ACTUALLY HELPS.
"WE'RE GONNA KNI A SARS QUILT.
"IT'S GONNA TAKE
ALL SUMMER LONG.
"'CAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE
WITH SARS,
AND THEY'RE CHILLY WITH SARS,
AND THEY NEED A QUILT."
WHAT?
"WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A PRAYER CIRCLE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A CANDLELIGH VIGIL AT MIDNIGHT."
COULD YOU DO LESS?
MATHEMATICALLY.
ASK YOUR ACCOUNTAN IF THERE'S ANY WAY
YOU COULD DO ANY LESS
THAN THAT.
"WELL, WE ARE RAISING
AWARENESS."
RAISING AWARENESS IS ANOTHER
FORM OF DOING NOTHING.
ONLY NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME
AWARE THAT THE NOTHING
THAT I'VE BEEN DOING
IS NOT UP TO PAR
WITH THE NOTHING
THAT YOU'RE DOING
FOR SUCH A NOBLE CAUSE.
WHY DON'T YOU DO MY NOTHING
FOR YOUR CAUSE?
WE'LL WATCH STORAGE WARS
FOR THE CURE,
AND THEN WE'LL BOTH BE HAPPY
IN OUR IMPOTENCE.
AND WE'LL FIND OU WHAT'S IN THAT SAFE.
WE ALL WIN.
RAISING AWARENESS IS ME STANDING
NEXT TO A DRAINAGE DITCH
WHERE A GUY JUST HIT A GOA WITH HIS MOPED ON THE HIGHWAY.
AND NOW
THEY'RE IN THE DITCH,
LAYING IN THE MUCK
WITH COMPOUND FRACTURES.
AND THE DUDE'S GOT A BONE
STICKING THROUGH HIS LEG.
AND THE FUCKING GOAT'S GO A BONE STICKING THROUGH HIS FUR.
THEY'RE BOTH LAYING THERE
IN AGONY.
AND I'M RAISING AWARENESS
BY STANDING ABOVE THEM,
SHOUTING DOWN AN EMPTY HIGHWAY,
"LOOK! LOOK! EWW!
EWW, LOOK. OOH."
AND THEY'RE GOING,
"NO, HELP."
AND I'M GOING,
"NO, NO, NO. LOOK!"
IT'S WAY EASIER
TO JUST LOOK.
ARE YOU AWARE
OF BREAST CANCER?
FUCKING THE ENTIRE MONTH
OF OCTOBER
IS BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS MONTH.
THE ENTIRE COUNTRY TURNS PINK
SO YOU CAN'T NOT BE AWARE.
ALL YOUR PRODUCTS,
YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.
"USUALLY I BUY
THE PROGRESSO SOUP.
"BUT THIS MONTH, I'M GONNA GE THE ONE WITH THE PINK RIBBON,
"SO I KNOW THAT I'VE DONE
ALL I CAN TO HELP MY FELLOW MAN.
"I DON'T READ THE FINE PRIN THAT SAYS,
".000001 CENTS OF EVERY CAN
UP TO A VERY MINIMAL AMOUN GOES TO--"
OH, IT ACTUALLY GOES NOWHERE
NEAR A TITTY, EVER, AT ALL.
IT GOES TO MORE
PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL
ASKING FOR MORE MONEY
AND TO GIVE
VERY DUBIOUS MEDICAL ADVICE
WHERE A LOT OF TITTIES GE CHOPPED OFF THAT DIDN'T NEED TO
BECAUSE WE'RE AN INDUSTRY,
NOT A CHARITY ANYMORE.
I DON'T READ THAT PART.
I JUST SEE THE PINK RIBBON
AND KNOW THAT I'M HELPING.
YOU'VE DESTROYED
THE COLOR PINK.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT.
I LIKE THE COLOR PINK,
AND YOU'VE RUINED IT.
YOU SEE PINK, THAT'S ALL
YOU CAN THINK ABOUT.
I HAVE A PINK BEDROOM.
MY BEDROOM IS PINK.
I CAN'T SLEEP IN I DURING OCTOBER
'CAUSE YOU JUST SEE THE COLOR,
AND ALL YOU THINK ABOU IS GIANT,
METASTASIZING TITTIES
SUCKING THE LIFE
OUT OF SOME POOR WOMAN.
WHY DO YOU FUCK UP A COLOR?
ASSOCIATE IT WITH SOMETHING ELSE
THAT'S NEGATIVE.
YOU KNOW, "TRAFFIC AND WEATHER
BROUGHT TO YOU
"AT THE TOP OF THE HOUR
ON FUCKING 620 AM.
"HEY, TRAFFIC SUCKS AGAIN.
THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY BREAST CANCER."
AND THAT WAY, NEXT TIME
YOU'RE STUCK IN TRAFFIC,
YOU GO, "OH, WOW. FUCK.
"THIS SUCKS,
BUT NOT AS BAD AS CANCER.
MAYBE I SHOULD TRY TO HELP."
DON'T FUCK UP A COLOR.
DO YOU WATCH FOOTBALL?
THIS IS WHERE
IT WENT TOO FAR WITH ME.
THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
PARTICIPATES
IN BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS MONTH.
FIRST OF ALL, WHY IS I BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH
RATHER THAN
CANCER AWARENESS MONTH?
I ASSUME IF YOU CURE
BREAST CANCER,
THAT WOULD CURE ASS CANCER
AND FACE CANCER AND SHIT CANCER.
IT'S CANCER.
'CAUSE TITTIES SELL TICKETS,
STUPID!
OKAY, I FORGE THE MARKETING ANGLE.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ON THAT.
STILL, THE NATIONAL
FOOTBALL LEAGUE PARTICIPATES
WITH THE PINK GLOVES
AND JUST PINK ON THE PLAYERS.
WHERE IF YOU THINK FOOTBALL
IS STUPID, YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT IT'S MY STUPID.
YOU HAVE YOUR STUPID.
YOU CAN JUDGE ME IN SPORTS.
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STUPID.
YOU PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAF OR YOU DO
RENAISSANCE FESTIVALS
OR YOU FUCKING WIN
BRIAN DOYLE MURRAY
LOOK-ALIKE COMPETITIONS
OR FUCKING DO...
YOU GROW ORGANIC APPLES
AND SELL THEM
AT THE FARMER'S MARKET.
YOU LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ITALIAN
ON THE ROSETTA STONE
SO ONE DAY YOU CAN
IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS
BY ORDERING IN ITALIAN
AT A RESTAURAN AND THE FUCKING WAITER A OLIVE GARDEN LOOKS AT YOU GOING,
'I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, DUDE."
WHATEVER YOU DO,
FOOTBALL IS MY STUPID.
THAT'S WHAT I DO FOR
A FEW HOURS ON A WEEKEND
IN THE FALL TO FORGE HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF.
I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOU BREAST CANCER
WHILE I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL
TO GET AWAY FROM THIS.
IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO WATCH
FOOTBALL AS IT IS,
IF YOU'RE A FAN,
WITHOUT CONSTANTLY
THINKING ABOUT AIDS.
YOU HAVE TO PUSH THA OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
INHERENTLY, IF YOU'RE
A FAN OF THE GAME,
WITH THE TECHNOLOGY
THAT THEY HAVE NOW,
YOU WATCH MONDAY NIGH FOOTBALL OR SUPER BOWL,
THEY HAVE CAMERAS NOW
THAT COME DOWN ON CABLES
RIGHT OVER THE FIELD, LIKE
RIGHT OVER THE PLAYERS' HEADS,
ALMOST TOUCHING THEM.
YOU HAVE 60 INCHES
OF HIGH DEFINITION.
YOU HAVE A CAMERA PANNING AROUND
11 MEN BENT UP IN A HUDDLE,
PRESENTING THESE BEAUTIFUL,
THICK MAN-ASSES.
AND IT'S ZOOMING IN
ON EACH ONE.
AND IT CREATES THIS BANGKOK
WHOREHOUSE SCENARIO
IN YOUR BRAIN.
YOU FEEL A LITTLE TUGGLE
IN YOUR SWEATPANTS.
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH.
WHAT IF THEY WERE
BEHIND GLASS IN PHUKET?"
WHICH ONE WOULD I SELECT FOR
MY EVENING'S ENTERTAINMEN FROM THE CAMBODIAN GUY
THAT RUNS THE PLACE,
AND HE'S GOT AN EYE PATCH.
AND I GO,
"CHING DAI BO DAH!"
AND HE PULLS THE GUY OUT.
NUMBER 28.
I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN
ALL THE GUYS,
AND I IMPULSE-BUY ON 28.
HE'S A HALFBACK WITH THESE
SINEWY HORSE HAUNCHES,
LEANING INTO ME,
AND IN MY MIND,
BEFORE I CAN MAKE
A RATIONAL DECISION,
I'VE ALREADY LEAPED OVER
THE RAILING AT THE FIELD.
I'M STREAKING BUTT-NAKED
ACROSS THE FIELD,
WEARING NOTHING BUT A--
WEARING AN 1800S NIGHTCAP
THAT'S STRIPED
WITH A POM-POM.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT.
BUT I'M WEARING FLIP-FLOPS
'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU
RUN FUNNIER.
BUT MY DICK IS SLAPPING
UP AND DOWN
AGAINST MY BELLY.
YOU MAKE YOU DICK HOWEVER BIG
YOU WANT IT TO BE.
IT'S YOUR FANTASY.
HAVE YOUR DICK SLAPPING
YOUR CHEST.
HAVE YOUR DICK TAKE A TOOTH OU ON THE WAY TO THE HUDDLE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
JUST GET TO 28
AND YANK HIM OUT OF THE HUDDLE
AND PIN HIM TO THE GROUND.
HOLD HIM DOWN
WITH ONE ELBOW.
PEEL THOSE...
THEY WEAR
THESE LITTLE LYCRA PANTS.
THEY'RE SO
FUCKING GORGEOUS.
AND YOU JUST PEEL THEM
OFF HIM. AND HE'S SWEATY.
THEY'RE JUST GOING TO SLIDE OFF
LIKE A WET BAND-AID.
DON'T FUCK
WITH THE JOCKSTRAP.
IT'S NO OBSTACLE
TO THE ASSHOLE.
YOU'LL WASTE YOUR TIME.
PLUS, THE LITTLE STRAPS
KEEP THE ASS CHEEK UP
AND FOCUSED.
STEAM COMES OFF HIS ASS.
GET YOUR FACE IN THERE.
YOU HUFF THAT STEAM.
YOU HUFF IT LIKE A GASSY RAG.
INHALE HIS ESSENCE.
AND YOU PEEL
THOSE ASS CHEEKS APAR WITH YOUR THUMBNAILS
LIKE YOUR CRACKING A CAGE-FREE,
FARM-FRESH EGG.
AND YOU TAKE YOUR DICK.
DON'T STAB HIM
WITH IT RIGHT AWAY.
TEASE HIM WITH IT.
HERE WE GO.
IN AND UP,
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE, PEOPLE.
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE.
WATCH HIM STRUGGLE.
HE KNOWS IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN.
AH, AH, AH, OH.
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE.
PULL ON HIS FACE MASK
A BIT.
TWIST HIS NECK.
PULL ON HIS DREADLOCKS.
AND THESE ARE NO OCCUPY WALL STREET DREADLOCKS,
BY THE WAY.
THIS IS A BLACK DUDE.
THIS IS STRAIGHT UP RACISM.
THIS IS A HATE CRIME.
BECAUSE YOU ARE PRETTY SURE
THAT YOUR EX-WIFE
USED TO FANTASIZE
ABOUT THIS GUY
DOING SIMILAR SHIT TO HER.
YOU KNEW IT.
OH, YEAH.
YOU WANT TO DO THA TO MY WIFE?
YOU'LL NEVER GE A THICKER BONER
THAN THAT ANGRY,
RACIST, JEALOUSY BONER.
VEINS ARE COMING
OUT OF THE HEAD,
AND NOTHING
MAKES YOU CRAZIER
THAN WHEN YOU
GET THAT BONER
AND YOU JUST JAM IT IN HIM
LIKE A FAT SALAMANDER
AND YOU RIDE.
YOU DO THAT PORN ANGLE,
WHERE YOU
BEND YOUR DICK DOWN
AND DO DEEP KNEE BENDS SO YOU
CAN LOOK AT THE PEOPLE.
YOU HAVE--55,000 PEOPLE
ARE NOW OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS,
ON THEIR FEET,
CHANTING FOR YOU.
THEY LOVE YOU.
THEY'RE LIKE, "FUCK THAT GUY!
FUCK THAT GUY!"
THIS IS HIS HOME FIELD,
AND THEY'RE ON YOUR SIDE,
ALL OF A SUDDEN.
"FUCK THAT DUDE, YEAH!"
THEY'RE SPILLING BEER.
YOU FEEL THE RUBBER
START TO SLIDE OFF OF YOU,
BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
THIS IS MY DAY.
THEY LOVE ME.
I'M GOING TO LAUNCH
RAINBOWS OF CUM
INTO THIS BROKEN
MOTHERFUCKER.
AND YOU DO.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN DONE COMING
WHEN YOU PULL OUT.
YOUR DICK'S JUS STILL FIRE-HOSING,
SWAYING BACK AND FORTH,
GETTING RID OF THE LAS OF THE SPURTS.
AND YOU HAVE AN END ZONE
CELEBRATION DANCE
THAT YOU'VE WORKED OUT IN
THE HALLWAY MIRROR ALL SEASON.
LITTLE OLD-SCHOOL
ICKEY SHUFFLE THING.
AND YOU SPIKE THE BALL
RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HEAD.
HE'S BLUBBERING, LIKE,
SNOT BUBBLES, AND CRYING.
HE'S NOT EVEN MAKING
AN ATTEMPT TO GET UP.
HIS ASSHOLE IS STILL DILATED
AND SPASMING.
HIS ASSHOLE IS WINKING
LIKE A CYCLOPS IN A RAINSTORM,
JUST TRYING TO REGAIN
ITS ORIGINAL SHAPE.
ONE MILKY TEAR
IS DRIPPING DOWN THE TAINT.
IT'S CRYING FOR YOU.
AND YOU FLOAT OUT OF THIS
PERFECT SUNDAY AFTERNOON
AND THIS PERFECT DAYDREAM,
BACK INTO THE STARK REALITY OF,
IT'S JUST YOU WITH SOME BLOATED,
POST MIDDLE-AGE DUDE WITH--
YOU'VE GOT LUMPS OF YELLOWED
GUMMY CUM IN YOUR GUT HAIR.
AND YOU LOOK AROUND.
YOU FEEL IMMEDIATE REMORSE
AND SHAME.
I LET THE RUBBER COME OFF
INSIDE OF THAT GUY.
HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IS THAT,
KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW TODAY,
TO JUST BAREBACK FUCK
A GUY.
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THAT GUY'S BEEN.
I KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING.
HE'S GOING INTO FREE AGENCY.
HE'S FUCKING 32 NOW.
HE'S GOT SHIT KNEES.
HE'S LUCKY IF HE'S WARMING
A BENCH IN JACKSONVILLE.
BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHERE HE'S BEEN.
TO JUST BAREBACK FUCK
THE GUY.
I COULD HAVE FANTASY AIDS
AS WE SPEAK,
AND I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
AND AS YOU'RE DEALING WITH THIS,
YOU WANT TO ESCAPE.
YOU LOOK AT THE TV.
PINK SHOES.
I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT BREAS CANCER ON TOP OF THIS PROBLEM?
YOU'RE RUINING THE INTEGRITY
OF THE GAME, BREAST CANCER.
THIS IS WHAT WE DO
ON SUNDAYS TO FORGE HOW MUCH
WE HATE OURSELVES.
AND I DON'T--
I HOPE I DIDN'T RUFFLE
ANY FEATHERS.
BUT AS AN OPENLY GAY COMEDIAN,
I FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY
TO TALK ABOUT A LO OF ISSUES THAT--
WHAT,
ARE YOU GONNA TEST ME?
YOU DON'T KNOW
IF I'M LYING.
I CAN BE AS GAY
AS I WANT TO BE UP HERE.
FUCK YOU.
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
STRAP ME TO A CHAIR
AND BLOW LOADS IN MY FACE
TO SEE IF I'M FIBBING
WHEN I SAY I LOVE IT?
I'M GAY IF IT FUCKING--
IF IT NEEDS TO BE, I'M GAY,
I'M FUCKING GAY.
AND YOU SHOULD BE GAY AS--
I COME OUT OF THE CLOSE ALL THE TIME.
IT'S SOMETHING FUN FOR ME.
DO IT ALL THE TIME.
I'M NOT SAYING LIE
TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY
OR LEAD A FAKE LIFE.
BUT IF YOU'RE JUST IN SOME
BULLSHIT SOCIAL SITUATION
AROUND PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW,
IF YOU CAN DROP THE ERRANT,
"I'M GAY"
IN A CONVERSATION,
NOT REVELATORY, LIKE,
"I HAVE TO TELL YOU."
JUST DROP IT AS AN ASIDE.
"IS IT JUST YOU AND YOUR
GIRLFRIEND FOR BREAKFAST?"
"OH, THAT'S NO MY GIRLFRIEND.
"I'M GAY,
BUT IT'S JUST TWO OF US.
IS IT A BUFFET OR CAN I
ORDER OFF THE MENU?"
JUST DROP IN, JUST,
IF EVERYONE WAS JUST SOMEONE--
OH, I GUESS
THEY'RE JUST GAY.
'CAUSE HERE'S THE THING.
I LOVE HOMOSEXUALITY.
I DEFEND IT.
BUT I HATE FAGGINESS
BECAUSE IT'S AESTHETICALLY
UNPLEASING.
THE WHOLE
"LA LA LA LA LA" SHINY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
IT'S THE SAME--
I HAVE NOTHING
AGAINST JEWISH PEOPLE.
I HATE JEWINESS.
THE CLAMMY, "NYAH, NYAH, NYAH.
I GET ALL...I'M ALLERGIC."
PERSONALLY,
THAT'S UNPLEASING.
I HATE ANYONE WHO LEADS
WITH THEIR SEXUALITY,
HOMO OR HETERO.
IF I KNOW YOUR SEXUALITY
IN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS
OF MEETING YOU,
YOU'RE FUCKING ANNOYING.
HETEROS ARE THE SAME WAY.
IF YOU HAVE NAKED LADY
MUD FLAPS OR YOU GO,
"OH, AFTER YOUR SHOW,
YOU WANT TO GO TO HOOTERS?"
OR YOU JUST WATCH THE GAME
FOR THE CHEERLEADERS.
JUST GO INTO A BASEMEN AND JERK OFF,
YOU FUCKING TEENAGER,
13-YEAR-OLD,
AND THEN COME BACK WHEN WE CAN
HAVE A REGULAR CONVERSATION.
SO, IT'S NOT--
THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO COME
OUT OF THE CLOSE AS JUST A NORMAL DUDE.
A GUY ON THE PLANE GOING,
"YEAH, I REMEMBER
"WHEN STEWARDESSES
USED TO BE HOT.
NOW THEY'RE ALL FAT."
AND YOU GO, "YEAH.
I'M RIGHT WITH YOU, BUDDY.
"I FUCKING--THANK CHRIS I'M QUEER,
'CAUSE THEY ARE
FAT AS SHIT."
BUT JUST BECAUSE MAYBE
SOMEWHERE AROUND YOU,
WHEN YOU JUST DROP A NORMAL
"I'M GAY" IN A CONVERSATION,
THERE IS AN ADOLESCENT KID
WHO'S JUST COMING TO TERMS
WITH THE FACT THAT HE'S GAY,
AND HE'S FUCKING TERRIFIED,
NOT ONLY OF JUST BEING GAY.
MAYBE HE THINKS
HE HAS TO BE
"JUMP OUT OF THE CAKE
AND RIDE A FUCKING FLOAT,
ASSLESS CHAPS,
ICE CAPADES" GAY.
AND HE HEARS YOU SAY IT JUS LIKE A NORMAL DUDE, "I'M GAY."
AND HE GOES,
"OH, I CAN DO THAT.
"I CAN BE JUST REGULAR
ANDERSON COOPER,
TODD GLASS,
JOEL OSTEEN FAGGOT."
AND YOU GIVE THEM COURAGE.
AND IT'S IN THE SUPREME COUR NOW FOR GAY MARRIAGE.
AND I HOPE YOU GET IT.
GET THE RIGHT TO MARRY,
AND THEN DON'T.
IT'S IMPORTAN TO GET THE RIGHT,
NOT JUST SYMBOLICALLY,
BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE
MARRIED TO GAME THE SYSTEM.
YOU NEED THE INSURANCE.
YOU NEED THE INHERITANCE.
YOU NEED TO PULL THE PLUG.
MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO GE SOMEONE COOL INTO THE COUNTRY.
SO YOU NEED IT FOR THAT.
BUT DON' IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT,
WHERE BLACK PEOPLE
HAD TO FIGHT FOR THE RIGH TO EA AT THE SAME LUNCH COUNTER.
ONCE YOU WON THAT RIGHT,
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T.
GUY'S A FUCKING RACIST.
WHY WOULD YOU SUPPOR HIS BUSINESS
UNLESS YOU'RE JUST TRYING
TO FUCK WITH HIM
AND SHOW UP JUST 'CAUSE
HE DOESN'T WANT YOU?
WHICH I UNDERSTAND,
AND MAYBE THAT'S WHERE
YOU STARTED NOT TIPPING.
IF SO, EVERY TRADITION
HAS TO START SOMEWHERE.
LET'S JUST HOPE IT WAS
FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT,
DANTE'S, PORTLAND.
IT WAS NICE TO BE BACK.
I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
- SO DO YOU MIND JUST COMING
BACK DOWNSTAIRS? YEAH.
- I JUST TOLD THEM I WOULD.
- OH, GREAT. SORRY.
- OH! OH,
WE HAVE ANOTHER CAMERA.
- NO, THAT'S IT.
WE SAID ONE CAMERA.
- YOU WANT THEM
TO COME BACK UP TOO?
- DO YOU WANT THEM
TO FOLLOW YOU?
- WHAT?
- DO YOU WANT...
- YOU JUST ASKED ME TO COME BACK
DOWN THE STAIRS.
- YEAH, DO YOU WANT THEM
TO FOLLOW YOU
OR DO YOU WANT TO JUST...
THEY'LL JUST CATCH YOU.
- NO, NO. THAT'S FINE.
I WAS JUST CONFUSED.
- YEAH.
- TAKE TWO,
I'M COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.
ALL RIGHT.
HI. THAT WAS A SHOW
BROUGHT TO YOU BY ME.