Doula (2022) Movie Script
1
Fuck.
Man, this is never gonna work.
I don't see a baby.
I see, like, an orange-ish blob.
I mean... I don't know,
is it supposed to...?
Penka?
Silvio?
Oh, I forgot your milk, Penka.
Silvio! No, it's not...
Come here now.
- What's up?
- Um...
- What's up?
- I think she... Oh.
What? Penka?
Penka.
Oh.
Le garon. Et tu fais.
Et tu fais.
Sure. You have
multi-instrumentalist vibes.
- That's why I ask.
- Oh, OK.
My labor was
54 hours and 45 minutes.
Think about
the symmetry of that.
Yeah. Whew.
I mean, after hour 12,
just gimme the epidural.
I mean, it's just, like...
I just wanna be numb, you know?
To be honest, I've been
chipping with the oxies already.
It's my lower back.
It's been killing me.
An oxy here and there's
not gonna hurt the baby.
OK, she's... she's...
- She's kidding.
- Oh.
- She's kidding.
- No, I'm not.
So have you found a replacement?
A replacement?
- For poor sweet Penka.
- Oh.
Um, well, we did
just kind of talk about
doing a hospital birth.
- Did we, though?
- What?
First of all, slow your roll.
I mean, it's like,
we're pretty far along as it is,
and Penka was kinda
the only person
that I would want to do...
Well, but Penka...
Penka was special.
So special. So special.
Right, but... It doesn't mean
there aren't more...
- other special...
- I think that we're just...
- We're still figuring it out.
- Yeah.
Sounds like you two
are still figuring it out.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Do you know what that is?
Cabbage.
And this one?
- Cabbage again.
- Right.
- A lot of cabbage.
- Hm-hmm.
Boys, can I have
your attention, please?
Boys? Hi.
Do you know why
everyone's here today?
My mommy died.
Do you remember Penka?
She was there
when you were born.
Her hands were the first
human hands to ever touch you.
Do you know where you were
before you came to this world?
Do you know where you go
when you leave?
You walk, just like Penka,
back over the Rainbow Bridge.
But everyone you leave behind
will stay here
and be very, very sad.
Your mommy, your daddy,
everyone you ever loved will be
very sad that you're gone.
And you, Thor, and you, Erik,
you won't be Thor
and you won't be Erik anymore.
- Who will we be?
- You'll be nothing.
Then your bodies
will burn into dust
and... everything you thought
you were will be no more.
Hmm.
What did we call it
when we were kids
or what did they call it
in comic books?
X-ray vision, right?
You could see through people's
pants and shirts, right?
Superpower.
It's what Penka had.
Those of you who knew her
know what I'm talking about.
Now, by saying that she
could see into this mystery,
am I saying that
she had all the answers? No.
Did she have the ability
to change the outcome? No.
No, she didn't.
Because in the end,
we are all, and can only be,
servants to the will of God
and not even Penka knew that.
Isn't that...
Isn't that beautiful?
That fine line between...
and she, you know?
We can use reason so much to get
to the bottom of things, right?
We wanna be able
to figure it out.
I wanna get to the bottom.
Where's it going? Oh.
Where'd it go?
It's a hundred miles back
that way. It's fucking gone.
It's fucking gone.
You cut down a tree
to see what's inside.
What do you wind up with?
A dead tree, right?
So the tree is a tree.
Penka is Penka.
Let us rejoice in her now
in God's name.
Amen.
Sascha?
Who's that?
That's Penka's son.
How's school?
G-O-O-D.
- Really?
That's not what your mom said.
Whatever she tells you, I did
not get sent home from school.
Yes, you did!
You got sent home from school.
- Hi, Silvio.
- Hi.
Yes, he did
get sent home from school
for leaving the classroom
without permission.
Hmm. Will?
- Where are you going?
- I'm getting ice cream. Chill!
Ice cream, really? I mean...
- Whatever.
- How's it going over there?
Will, can you go out back
for a second?
- Why?
- I need to talk to Daddy alone.
Yeah. It's just...
I'd be more comfortable
if you didn't do that.
Do what?
Just the whole,
"I need to talk to Daddy."
Just, "I need to speak
to your father,"
or, "I need to talk
to your dad."
Just... it's better that way
because otherwise, it seems
like we're still together.
- OK.
- Well, don't be mad.
No, it's fine.
We're definitely not together.
So don't... you don't
have to do the thing...
So, did you, um, get a chance
to think
about what we talked about?
- Yeah and, um...
- What did you decide?
Because I've been thinking
about it
and he really needs
his father right now.
Totally. There's just
a lot of things
on this side of it, Natasha.
Like, we have to get
a bigger house
and the baby's coming soon.
- I know. Exciting.
- Hm-hmm.
The only thing...
I have this yoga retreat
in Tulum
coming up
right around winter break.
OK. So, like, in three months.
Well, right, but I need to book
the plane ticket
and the hotel now.
Oh, I see.
So, can you take him?
Yeah. I mean,
what I was gonna say
was we talked about it and yes,
we can take him.
- And be happy to.
- Really? That's great.
- What are you doing?
- I mean, I think you're right.
- He needs his dad.
- I'll start packing his stuff.
- Bye, Will.
- Daddy says, "Bye, Will."
Yeah, seriously. Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
Holy shit!
- Hi.
- Oh, sorry.
I'm Sascha.
People don't usually
come that way.
Just... around the front.
OK, Lev. Bounce pass.
Here he goes.
- OK.
- Layup.
He's coming in hot.
He's coming in hot.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Yes, all right.
No, Lev. That's good.
If you blow the layup,
don't grab the board.
You just circle back,
you try it again.
- OK.
- You crush.
Madonna, you ready? Bounce pass.
Here she goes,
here she goes, here she goes.
She's up.
Sick!
Guys, this is so sweet.
But, I mean, I'm really
not gonna be gone for that long.
Like, maybe six months tops.
So I don't really see the reason
for all this cake and shit.
Although,
I do really appreciate it.
Um, I don't know,
maybe some of you guys won't
be here by the time I get back.
I mean, you guys
aren't looking too good.
It's real. Let it sink in.
And if that's the case, I do
wanna take this moment to say
that you guys are the best damn
basketball team of octogenarians
that I've ever had the pleasure
to coach.
You guys, just please keep
running your drills and shit.
You're getting good,
really good,
and I'm super proud of you.
God, that is sickly sweet. Lev,
stay away from this stuff, OK?
It's gonna put you
in a diabetic coma, yeah?
I can have a little.
I'm sorry, man, I... I...
I don't know what Deb did with
your mom's, uh, effects, but...
- She'll be back.
- I have nowhere to be.
Did you want a water or a...?
I have water. I have, um...
No, no, no, no. I'm good.
I drink a lot of soup.
- Yeah, that's not your mom's.
- Are you an artist?
I am, actually,
but that's not...
That's not mine,
that's a Grigor.
But then that...
Yeah. That one is mine.
- Beautiful.
- Thanks.
Yeah, your mom wasn't much of
a reader from what I could tell.
- Books are heavy.
- Yeah, I guess that's true.
Every time I move,
I'm like, "Ugh, the books."
- Do you move a lot?
- No.
Your son?
- Yup, that's Will.
- Does he like Deb?
They haven't met yet,
funnily enough.
Hmm.
- He wasn't born at home, was he?
- No, in a hospital.
How was that?
I wanted a home birth, actually,
but his mother... didn't.
Safety, sanity,
security, sterility.
- Sure.
- Stereotypical.
Sorry. Oh.
Oh, now that.
Yeah, now that is your mom's.
I don't know what it is, though.
Oh.
Is that for, um...
She was almost 50 when she
had me. Did you know that?
She was a whore at the time.
Sex worker, if you like.
Yeah. She was turning tricks
until I was nine.
If you didn't have
a lot of money,
that's just how you got along
at Rajneeshpuram
if you were a woman.
Then she traded in
her hooking boots for these.
I came to it first.
I led her on the path.
There was this girl in camp,
Yamuna.
God, I loved her.
She was pregnant
by her boyfriend Mark
who was facing
several indictments
for cocaine trafficking.
As the summer got hotter
and her belly
grew more round and full,
I found myself by her side
more often than not,
helping her with cleaning
and calisthenics,
whatever was required.
We'd talk all night long
about big subjects,
nature of things.
Then when her time came,
I helped her.
I was only nine years old,
but it was like
my hands were being guided
by some unseen energy.
I can see 'em now like daylight.
My hands moving to her forehead,
down to her belly, reaching
for the neck of the womb.
Opening.
Opening just the same way
the earth cracks and yawns,
revealing her eternity.
Hours later,
when Penka discovered us
all wrapped up
together under the stars,
she was so moved
by the sight of me
still elbow-deep
in dried sanguine fluid
that... it changed her.
We were known
all over Rajneeshpuram.
The old midwife and her son.
Those were heady days, by God.
Wait. So, so...
you're a midwife?
I'm a doula.
Stay right there.
Uh...
Can I take your picture?
Yeah.
- Like this?
- Sure.
How did you...
How did you know what to do?
How did the baby know
what to do, or Yamuna?
I mean, haven't you ever been
guided by something,
and you just know?
I think so.
You've got a great eye.
Thanks.
You know, we would've made room
for her in the house,
but she always insisted
on staying out here.
She swiped it off
a blown-up convoy outside Blaj.
I don't think
she spent a night away from it.
This was her home.
Oh, man. I'm so, so sorry.
Oh, God, I'm embarrassing
myself. I didn't know...
I didn't know being here
would be so hard.
- I should've packed it up.
- Please, please don't.
Just...
I feel like if we take it down,
then that will be
the last of her.
She was a great lady.
I really regret taking that job
in Kinshasa.
Well, you couldn't have known.
She was 90.
Listen.
Why don't you just, you know...
why don't you stay?
No, no. I couldn't.
Not without Deb's approval.
We're actually in a bind here.
We could really use the help.
- You'd be helping us out.
- How far along is she?
She's six weeks out
from her window.
The home stretch.
You could stay here in the tent,
if you'd be comfortable,
of course.
You know that thing
you just said
about being guided by something?
That's how this feels.
- Very well.
- Great.
Do you have a bag or anything?
No. I'll borrow.
OK, I mean,
we have plenty of things.
I mean, we look like
we're about the same size.
Oh.
- How are your erections?
- My...?
- Are you getting them?
- Yeah. No. Yeah.
I was curious because,
uh, my ladies often
say that they need that.
But their guys, they get
a little nervous about it,
especially
in the third trimester.
- Oh, yeah. No, we're...
- No, but it's important.
- By stimulating orgasms.
- I did not know that.
Got some shopping in.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Uh...
- Here, let me.
Oh, no, you don't... What, are
you putting this guy to work?
You what? He's a what?
Yeah, the tent's still up
so I hired him.
- Oh, my God, are you insane?
- No, why would you say that?
Because you didn't even ask me.
But I figured
we needed somebody.
But we said that
we were gonna talk about this.
- Hey, Deb?
- Yeah?
For the tea.
- Milk, please.
- Done and done.
Do you need help
finding where stuff is, or...?
No, it's very intuitive.
I'm good.
You should hear him
talk about midwifery.
- It's really inspiring.
- I'm sure.
- Look, he just lost his mom.
- I know.
Deb, if it's not working out,
it's not working out.
We'll just be like, "Hey, man,
it's not working out."
Yeah. We don't even fucking know
this guy.
- Dude, it's Penka's son. C'mon.
- I know.
- Deb.
- Tea time.
Have you ever felt like you were
being guided by something,
like, you just knew that
something was the right thing?
- What?
- Can you please try
to just trust me,
just a little bit, please?
Besides, Penka had very rough
hands. You didn't like that.
- You're manipulative as fuck.
- That kettle boils water fast.
I'm not manipulating.
I'm just saying that...
- Mmm.
- Oh, there's your tea.
Thank you.
After you finish, I'd like
to show you some yoni stretches.
You have a lot of tension.
That's how I protect myself
from people touching me.
All right, I gotta go.
You sure you don't wanna come,
babe?
Yeah. I'm fucking pregnant,
dude.
The only thing art openings
are good for
is wine
and unpasteurized cheeses.
OK, well,
I'll tell Simon you were tired.
- Simon'll be fine.
- OK. Bye, babe.
- Bye.
- Bye, Sascha.
Bye.
- No, nope. Nope.
- Where are you going?
- Snack attack.
- Let me get that for you.
How would you know what I want?
Do you know what
doula translates to?
Nope.
- Servant to woman.
- Oh, kinky.
Basically, anything you require,
I consider it my sacred duty.
I'm good to get my own chips,
my man, but thank you.
Lev really cannot make a layup.
Lev, take the shot!
You know that whole
pasteurized-cheese thing?
- Yeah?
- Myth.
- Really?
- Really.
- What about ceviche?
- Myth.
- Really?
- Really really.
- What time is it right now?
- It's ceviche time.
Give Mamma her ceviche
Mamma wants, Mamma likes
Mamma wants so bad
Oh, my God, do you promise me
that this is legit?
One hundred.
You were with my mother
when she crossed over, yes?
Yeah.
- What was she doing?
- Um...
She was, like, guiding me
on this meditation thing.
Was she having you
picture your baby?
Yeah, something like that.
But it didn't work
because I'm a very bad patient.
Glad it was with you.
- It's OK.
- I'm sorry.
There's nothing to be sorry for.
Let's just see
what's under here.
Bro.
- Tea time, tea time!
- Oh, no!
- Whoa-whoa!
- Sorry!
Sorry, sorry. Whoopsie, OK.
Door was open.
- I know, I know. I'm sorry.
- What?
Sascha saw me masturbating.
- Babe, I can't hear you.
- Never mind!
What?!
Hey, hon.
- Yo, have you seen the pump?
- Huh? No.
Well, you were the last person
to use it for your bike.
- Huh?
- You heard what I said.
Did I use it for my bike?
No, I did not.
- No, you did.
- Sorry, Deb. I'm just working.
Well, OK, but I need the pump
and you were the last person
to use it for your bike.
- Honey?
- I don't know where you put it.
You think you should still
be playing basketball?
What? I'll stop playing
basketball when I die, cock.
Oh, yeah. But that one,
it doesn't have a needle.
- Shut up. Where'd you find that?
- Junk drawer.
There you go.
One sec. Yo!
Did Will get that ball
that I sent?
I don't know.
I can check.
That would be nice.
Dude, I can't believe
Silvio did that to you.
- I can.
- Weren't you pissed?
- Eh, not really.
- Wow, nice shot.
I dunno, man. If someone hired
a doula without my permission,
- I'd be fucking pissed.
- I was pissed at first.
But, like, I don't know,
we needed somebody.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
Male doula?
What? Get over yourself.
It's the 21st century,
for Christ's sakes.
- Men can't be doulas?
- Bitch.
I don't know.
It's raining. Like...
What? Don't be a pussy, Peg.
- She's scared.
- Hey, language!
They're scared
because of last time.
Get on the court.
I've missed you.
Jan.
Watch your ass, bitch!
- Nice.
- Shit!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Baby!
- Ha!
- Go for it, babe.
- Rebound, rebound, Katherine.
Here.
Aran, take it up!
Oh, c'mon.
All right, listen.
Forget this. Eyes up here.
- Bank right, bank right!
- Not in my house.
Shit!
- Yeah.
- Shit.
I'm good.
Everybody, give her some space.
Give her some space.
Deb, you OK?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
- Where does it hurt?
Uh... It's just my lower back
and my old hip.
OK. I hit the ground
pretty hard.
- Anybody got any ice?
- I'm fine, OK?
It's par for the court, my dude.
All right, just sit there.
Do not move.
Peg, go get some ice, girl.
- Do I get the foul on that?
- I don't have ice.
Katherine.
Use a bag with a cold apple.
- You get the foul.
- I'm good.
Guys, I'll be good to go
in five. It's fine.
Nah, I gotta split.
I gotta do laundry.
Gotta pick up the kids,
early dismissal.
Good game, though. Really good
playing and shooting.
Yeah, Mamma's, putting you
on the bench
for a while, babe. Sorry.
I'll play.
It's raining, though.
I don't know why
everybody had to take off.
- Peg had to do laundry.
- Yeah, I heard her say that.
Fuck!
God, sorry. I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Come on!
It's the hormones, man.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
- You want me to drive?
- No, I just...
I can't play.
- You like basketball.
- Yeah, ball is life,
and that's apparently over now
because I'm... a blimp.
You could be the blimp
at the game
instead of one of
the players, you know?
Just floating over.
Was that supposed
to make me feel better?
Yes.
So, yeah, you know,
I like dog babies,
but I liked human babies more.
And that's kinda where I settled
and ended up here.
Everything else is looking good.
Do you wanna know the sex?
Um...
Yeah.
Fuck it. What are we working
with? Poker or fireplace?
- Huh?
- Like a poker.
Strange joke.
- Thanks.
- Um...
Yeah, things are a little turned
around here.
So let's see if we can get
some movement.
Hello, baby, come on.
Come on. Sprinkle a little dust.
Come on.
Oh! See? There we are.
Right there.
You have
a very distinctive, um...
A dick?
Uh, yes.
You're gonna have a boy.
What?
Congrats.
Uh... so, yeah, I...
I know there's some talk
about having this baby at home,
which, hey, that's fine.
I just wanted to talk about
the risks, given that you're...
- Old as fuck?
- No, no. You're in great shape.
It's just we should talk about,
um...
there is a risk
of complications.
- Right.
- We should talk about it.
No, I do remember this
from last time.
It's just that my partner Silvio
doesn't...
- He's... No, um...
- Hm-hmm.
I just need more time to make
a decision. Is that cool?
That's cool.
Whatever is cool.
You're cool. Everybody's cool.
Yes, take your time.
We can talk about it
next time you come in.
OK. Thank you.
All right. Have a great day,
you two.
- OK. Thank you, Dr. Zonkowski.
- Be blessed. See ya. Bye.
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
I'll meet you outside.
OK.
Hey, Dr. Gregory Zonkowski?
Yes, sir.
Yeah, sorry to bother you.
I just have a quick question.
Yeah, OK. No prob.
What's going on?
What's your C-section rate?
You look familiar. Where you
in the room with, uh, Debbie?
- Deb.
- Deb, yeah.
And you are? Who are you again?
- Are you Dad?
- I'm the doula.
The doula.
Yeah, OK.
Don't get me wrong.
You say that you're a doula.
And I can respect that. Um...
- But in all honesty, we don't...
- What's your rate, though?
There are no numbers on that
and we see this
more and more now.
Not to be rude, if you
really want to advocate for her,
you should tell her
to have the baby here.
Are you a cutter?
- I don't know who you...
- What's the cut-off time?
- The cut-off time?
- Eight hours?
Seven?
- Hi.
- Hey.
- What's up? Ready.
- Yeah, so am I.
Hi.
- Where's Silvio today?
- Uh, he had a meeting.
Was he excited about this baby?
- Yeah.
- And you?
Um, yeah.
I mean, it's a lot. We weren't
together very long before we...
- Before I...
- How long?
Three weeks.
- I know. It's Wack City, right?
- I don't know about Wack City,
but judging from the way
you play basketball,
I think you might have
borderline personality disorder.
Excuse me? Yo.
Silvio didn't ask me
before hiring you.
- Did you know that?
- I did not.
Yeah, so I don't know
what you were talking about
with the doctor in there.
But if you could, like,
not do that.
- Do what?
- Like, have conversations...
about my pregnancy
without me being in the room.
- Of course.
- Because it's just...
- No, I get it.
- Not a cool thing.
Just so you know, I wasn't.
Really? What were you
talking to him about then?
I thought he might've been
the brother of someone
I went to midwifery school with.
Do you know what the word doula
literally translates to?
Haven't we covered this?
The one who speaks for the woman
when her teeth
are gritted in pain.
I thought that you said
it was like a helper slave.
Deb, the moment you don't
need me anymore, I will vanish.
I don't make plans without you.
If I say that I want
a hospital birth
with a motherfucking epidural?
- Great. Bring on the drugs.
- Seriously?
Deb, who's having this baby?
Is Silvio having this baby?
Is the doctor with hairy arms
having the baby?
Oh, my God!
- You noticed that too?
- Yes.
And now...
Imagine now a great crack
in the bottom of this sea
leading farther down to an even
more unfathomable depth.
Place yourself there
in this crack.
Imagine that your human body
has dissolved into the crack,
that you are one with the void.
- Know that this place...
- Yo!
Is the place of all becoming.
Yo.
- Where Gaia first...
- Hey.
Hey. Yo, boo.
Hey, what do you guys got?
Little, uh... little
bougie spread going on here?
We're working
on the birth plan, babe.
Great. Those look good.
- Have some.
- Oh, thanks.
Don't mind if I do.
Mmm.
Are these pasteurized cheeses,
baby?
No.
No?
The whole
pasteurized cheese thing...
- It's a myth.
- Really?
- Is it?
- Hm-hmm.
- Gotta hit the head.
- Hm.
That's funny.
I didn't know that.
Yup.
- How was the doctor?
- Good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- What?
- Nothing.
- Hmm?
- It's just...
That doctor...
Deb likes him, doesn't she?
What about him?
Yeah, and that's fine.
Ultimately, it's her birth.
Right, but what's your
impression of him? Is he bad?
- I wouldn't say bad.
- What would you say?
I'm just worried he might be
a little... scalpel-happy,
if you know what I mean.
Jesus.
What's his caesarean rate?
Couldn't get him to tell me, but
we're gonna keep an eye on it.
- Jesus!
- Don't mention anything to Deb.
No, I won't. It's just, I want
her to do the right thing.
Don't worry about it.
I'm looking after her.
Hoo!
I just peed like one of
the girls in the squirt vids.
- That's not pee.
- Yeah, that's not pee, baby.
Oh. I hate to burst your bubble,
boys, but that's pee-pee.
- No way.
- Not with me.
Oh, really? OK.
Cheeky.
Uh... Hi, it's Silvio's Skype.
- Dad?
- No, I'm Sascha.
Your dad is running an errand.
- Who?
- I'm the doula.
What's a doula?
Oh, well, a doula,
the literal translation...
- Who are you talking to?
- Oh, Deb. Come here, it's Will.
Hey, Will, this is Deb.
Come on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too, Will.
Am I gonna have a little sister
or a little brother?
They don't know.
It's gonna be a surprise.
Well, cool.
Uh, Will, did you get
the basketball that I sent?
- Oh, yeah.
- Great.
Have you... Did you try it out?
- Yeah, it's big.
- Yeah, well, it's full size.
That's my idea. If you learn
to play on that one,
by the time your hands grow,
you're gonna be playing
like James Harden.
It's all about ball control.
My uncle says
James Harden is a nihilist.
Your uncle's a wise man.
Uh, well, we should
play together.
You know,
when I'm not so pregnant.
Oh. Will the new house
have a hoop?
The new house?
I cannot believe that you are
trying to justify this now.
You are so out of touch, my man.
God, first the doula, now this?
No. Look, I'm just trying to do
the right thing by my kid, Deb.
His mother is a nightmare.
His mother told you to take him.
She said, "Jump,"
and you said, "How high?"
That is not what happened.
I promise
I will make this up to you.
How?
Look, I'm just doing that thing
where I wanna
take care of everyone, you know?
I just...
Will you let me try?
Let me try.
I promise I won't let you down.
Bro.
Swirling, no longer a maiden.
And feel the sway right there,
just the sway.
And one, two, three, push up.
Kick away your old self.
It's not about you anymore.
That is your old life.
That is your maiden self.
You're pushing her away
to welcome in the mother.
Breathe in. Breathe out,
breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
So today... it was about work.
Because it is work
to bring a baby into the world.
Or babies.
Sometimes it's twice the work.
I have twins.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
But mammas are strong
and mammas are capable.
And that's why today
for closing words...
I wanna ask everyone
what do you think
will take a little bit of work
to bring these babies
into this world?
Chelsea.
I'm just a little concerned
about the... the pooping part.
My cousin Claire,
just... all over.
Well, I'm scared about, um...
after it's here.
Perineum tear.
I'm really, really, really
scared about it,
and I really wanna
have this baby naturally.
So I'm just gonna...
get really strong down there
and...
- and really flexible.
- Yes!
So brave.
- Deb.
- Me?
How are you, dear Deb?
I'm... good, dear Gracie.
So what's gonna take
a little hard work on your end?
Uh...
Shit. Um, gosh, I...
I really hate this part.
Can I just skip?
You can't skip.
- What? Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
- Where is that written?
- Oh, it's not written anywhere.
We're a circle of mammas.
So we, you know,
we didn't actually get any pens
and write it down.
We don't have any rules
that we wrote.
Yeah, I'm just...
I'm gonna skip.
You can't skip things!
It can't be skipped.
You can't skip.
Uh. My...
My boyfriend's kid
is moving in with us
and that's not inherently
a bad thing.
He seems like
a really sweet kid,
but I'm just
a little bit worried that the...
the baby is gonna be...
lost in all of this.
Actually that, that's, um...
that's not true.
I'm not worried that the baby's
gonna be forgotten.
I'm just worried that I'm
going to be... forgotten.
You know, Silvio has got me
knocked up and now what am I?
I'm just like a...
I'm a hostage in my own body.
I'm a goddamn delivery vessel.
But, uh, I've got Sasch,
you know, my doula.
So that's chill.
Smells a little musty.
But whatever, there. I shared.
That's what I want to do.
Call it what it is, all right?
A pussy.
OK. Well, the doctors
are gonna love that.
Yeah, well, don't you
worry about Dr. Zonkowski.
I'll take care of him.
And I'm so excited to use those.
They're robot boobs.
I don't want robot boobs.
- OK, I'll put 'em down.
- It's from me.
Oh, the grinder.
Now I can cultivate
those German
field worker forearms.
This is how we grind ze food
for ze baby.
This is how you grind
ze baby into ze food.
- Ja!
- Grind the baby and eat it.
- That's great.
- It's for food for the baby.
It's to make baby food.
Totally. Thank you, Naureen.
Thank you. That's really sweet.
- Here, let's do this one.
- Thank you.
Wow. Well, save best for last.
- It's from...
- Yup.
So, "To baby, from Dad Silvio."
- Dad Silvio, that's me.
- From Daddio Silvio.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Daddy...
OK, ready?
- Oh, let's flip it.
- Oh.
So that people can see it.
Oh, wow.
- Ta-da!
- Wow.
Wait. I don't get it.
It's gender
non-conforming, dummy.
Right, 'cause we don't know
the sex.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Aw.
We can put that
in the nursery, or...
It's beautiful, boo.
That's really nice.
OK. Guys? OK,
now the last gift is coming out.
- Arriving...
- Wow, more.
- Just about.
- There's more.
Actually coming out right now.
Just gotta...
Backing it up.
All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good.
You're good. You're good.
No, it's all good.
It's all good.
Yay, and drum roll.
Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- Wow!
Home birth tub!
- Wow. My gosh.
- All for you, babe.
Yo, where are we gonna put this?
Right here.
OK, but we... I still haven't
decided if I wanna do that.
This is just in case you do
decide to do a home birth.
And then... but if you don't,
then we can just return it.
Um, actually it says
it's non-returnable up here.
- Does... does it?
- Hm-hmm.
Big words and everything.
Oh, well,
I'll take a look at that.
But, yeah, so I mean,
it's just...
If you don't wanna use it,
you don't have to. It's just...
- I'll take it.
- Yeah, we'll take it.
I'll take it.
- Katherine. Oh, my God.
- What? I'm off duty. Chill.
Yo, I've never seen you
smoke weed before.
Good shit.
That is one thing
that I really miss.
Yeah, I miss you smoking weed
too, bitch.
Shut up. Rude.
You can smoke if you want.
- Don't tell her that.
- What?
What? Seriously. You don't share
lungs with your baby.
Yeah,
but the intoxication factor.
It's no different
than a couple glasses of wine.
- Really?
- Really.
Yo, let me see that.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey!
- What's up?
- Nothing.
We got the, uh, tub filled up.
Do you wanna come check it out?
- Oh, sure.
- Cool.
Come on. Sascha, you wanna come?
No, I'm good. You can send me
a video, baby day.
Go for it.
- I'll be back.
- Later, skater.
So, what's with all the green?
That's interesting.
I've never met one of you.
- Wait, the reality show winner?
- Yes.
- Not for nothing. Good riddance.
- Shut up.
She loved her.
- She doesn't know what love is.
- Do any of us really know?
Well, love is not
eight parking tickets.
Dude, love is not
eight parking tickets.
And how long
did she have your car?
- Four days.
- Four days!
- Eight tickets in four days!
- Get out of my... Shut up!
Hey, wait. How'd you find out?
How did you find out?
I got the motherfucking boot.
You bitches laugh.
OK. Fine. It's terrible.
It's sad.
Never telling you anything
ever again.
Oh, my gosh, you guys are
killing me! Like, the parking.
Like, all these parking tickets,
right?
They're supposed
to pay for things.
And, like, if we don't pay them,
then what will happen?
Like, there'll be
no new paved roads
and then the rats
will come at night.
They'll all be like...
all over the place at night.
And then they'll come
during the day
and then it'll just be, like,
rats all the time.
Taken over by the rats.
- Hey, Deb.
- Yeah.
You wanna be our surr
the next time around?
- Surr?
- What was that?
It's a surrogate.
Say the whole word.
What? I like the abbreviation.
Wait, are you guys
gonna have one?
Yeah. I mean,
if this thing works out,
you can just pop out another.
You know, pop out another.
Nope, that's exactly
why I will not be doing it.
This pussy is getting popped
one time, one time only.
Wait,
pussies don't actually pop.
No.
I mean, there can be
some tearing.
God, that's the thing
that I'm the most afraid of.
Yeah. Natasha, she ripped all
the way through the perineum.
Just like blood, just...
- Sorry.
- What the fuck?
God!
It's probably not the best idea
to talk about
your ex-wife's birth story
in front of
your current girlfriend
who's pregnant with your child.
- Yeah. No, totally. I'm sorry.
- I'm just saying.
Every birth story is different.
It's our job as care providers
to find out
what that experience wants to be
and protect it as best we can.
For sure.
But to answer
your question, uh...
I've only had to deal
with a full vaginal prolapse
three times in 20 years.
- Sorry, what was that?
- Prolapse?
It's... it's where the vagina
turns inside out, basically.
- Oh, ew.
- What?
Why "ew" over there?
This is the cradle of humanity,
bitches.
I'm all for
the cradle of humanity.
I just don't wanna think about
it inside out.
It's just... Wrong way.
Whether you wanna think about it
or not, you still need it.
So I will volunteer. Got nothing
tying me down anymore, so...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit. Shit.
Dirty little bastard.
Hey, there you are. No,
you don't have to do all this.
I don't have to. I choose to.
That is the greatest freedom.
Right. Chill.
But seriously, go to bed.
Why don't you relax?
Because I don't want to.
It's the last of it.
Everybody's gone.
- That Naureen is a character.
- Yeah. Oh, my God, total kook.
What are you doing?
Relaxing.
Wow.
I don't share lungs
with the baby.
No. But, Deb,
the intoxication factor.
Also, that tub is going back
to the motherfucking emporium.
Listen to me, hear me.
I'm going to the hospital
to have this baby.
Honey...
Honey, seriously.
Sascha.
Do you know what the term doula
translates to?
Ask her.
Just lubing you up
a little here.
I feel like a beached whale.
Yes, but...
OK, this is about the baby now.
- I know. I know.
- All right?
This is dish soap and water.
It's the same exact consistency
as the fluids of the birth
or of the pussy.
Thank you for honoring
my word choice.
You're welcome. Now let's close
our eyes and breathe.
Come on out, baby.
Oh, jeez.
Ooh.
The cord of life.
- I did it.
- You're free of it.
I've been born!
Oh.
Your baby is here.
Silvio, that was nice.
- It was a great birth.
- Good job.
You wanna try?
- Come on over here.
- Come on. Get in here.
- What is this?
- This is dish soap and water.
- It's the same consistency...
- No, I heard that part.
- I'm saying what is your deal?
- What is my deal?
My deal is that I'm here
to help Deb and to help you
bring this baby into the world.
Crossing over
the Rainbow Bridge.
I don't mean that.
I mean, like, you said that
you were going to help help.
What are you talking about?
With advocating
for the home birth.
- I never said that.
- Yes, you did. You said...
I said I'm looking out for her.
That's what I said.
But maybe you'll talk to her,
tell her the story...
Shh. Babies don't talk. OK.
Ooh, you're a heavy baby.
Deb, I need help
pulling this fat baby.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Got you, babe.
- I don't think that's necessary.
- Shh. Shh.
- Here you go. Ready?
Oh, my God.
Silvio?
Babe? Hey, babe.
Are you OK?
You're safe now.
Nothing can hurt you.
Shh. Shh, shh.
- Deb.
- Yeah?
Deb, I don't want the baby
to be born in the hospital
'cause Will was born in the
hospital and we almost lost him.
OK, I didn't know that.
Yeah, that doctor. That doctor,
I think he's a cutter.
Dr. Zonkowski?
Uh-huh.
- Who told you that?
- No one. I have a feeling.
- OK.
I understand,
but this is my decision
and this is the way
that it's going to be.
OK?
- OK.
- OK?
OK.
I mean, OK.
Do you want...?
I didn't do that. You did that.
- Just take your time.
- It's all about growing.
Hey, yo. Where's Hatcher?
Oh, uh, I don't think
he's gonna make it.
He was on that group text.
- You didn't get it?
- Oh, fuck, are you serious?
No, I was not included on that.
Probably because
if I knew he was making excuses,
I'd go to his house, drag him
outta bed by the fucking diaper.
Well, we got seven. We could...
Seven's not enough.
No, we gotta have fours. C'mon.
Hey, yo! Hey, come here, man.
- Oh...
- Yeah, you.
You, wavy gravy. Come on, bro.
Play with us. We need one more.
I don't know, man.
- That dude.
- Have fun with a four on four.
- All right.
- Let's flip for it.
- Hey.
- All right, he's on your team.
- All right. Tony.
- Sascha.
- Let's do it, Sascha.
- You have beautiful eyes.
This way, buddy. Thanks, man.
Appreciate that.
Stall two. Stall three.
Get back.
Yes!
Coming your way!
Oh, you dropped it?
Silvio, maybe faster.
Little feet.
- Yeah!
- No, no. He's not there.
No, no. That's right here.
You catch it right here.
- There's the line.
- The line is right there.
The line is right here!
- You caught it right here.
- He caught it right here.
- That's no good.
- Take it back.
- Is your leg OK?
- Nope, nope.
Get that stall. Stall two!
- Stall one.
- Watch the cut.
- No, no, no. I got a foul there.
- What? No.
- How?
- Pushed off.
- No, dude. That was clean.
- Sascha. What do you say?
Let's take it back
to the contested throw.
- Dude.
- Take it back.
- Dude.
- Spirit of the game.
- Great spirit, Sascha.
- There we go.
- Great spirit.
- Respect, bro.
Spirit of the game.
- I got you.
- Let's go.
From the guy
who's never played before,
but knows what spirit
of the game means.
- Disc in.
- Let's go.
- Stall one.
- Watch the cut.
Stall two. Stall three.
Stall four.
- Oh, there it is!
- No way. No way!
You're gonna push off again?
Spirit of the game?
My ass, brother!
Silvio, chill.
I'm gonna give you
one more chance.
Did you push off
or did you not push off?
No.
OK, then you can get your shit
and get out
'cause you're fucking fired.
C'mon. C'mon.
Silvio, let's keep playing.
- You work for him?
- I'll be right back. Silvio.
Fuck.
Are you looking at this?
Are you seeing this?
I'm pretty sure
that we can work this out.
Nothing to work out. He gone!
But it's not really
your decision to make.
Oh, no? Who do you think
pays your little invoices, dude?
Dude, what is going on with you?
I hire, I fire.
That's the way it works, Deb,
in a capitalistic environment.
OK, so I have
no say in this whatsoever?
The person that's actually
having this baby?
You didn't want him
in the first place.
Yeah, but now I do.
Well, you want him,
you can pay him.
Great.
That is super fucking mature.
OK, you guys wanna drink wine
and smoke weed
and do God knows what else?
Then go ahead, fine. Whatever.
It's no big deal.
It's just my fucking child, Deb.
I'm sorry, God knows what else?
What are you talking about?
You are the person
that forced this.
I thought it would be...
alternative prenatal care.
- It is!
- Not this radical hippie shit.
- I'll go, Deb.
- Which is frankly insane.
- Not a big deal.
- You are not going anywhere.
Did you know that he got a blow
from Katherine
at the baby shower?
- Wait, really?
- And then some.
OK. Wow, OK.
Um...
Yeah, sorry.
So that's what the problem is?
- So what?
- So what?
So you're OK with that behavior?
With getting blowjobs?
Yeah, so long
as he's not blowing my baby,
I'm pretty sure
I'm cool with it.
- Wow!
- He's a doula.
- Wow.
- Not the Pope.
Yeah, I know he's not the Pope.
I'll have that image
in my mind forever.
Do I not have a right
to feel pleasure, Silvio?
Do I not have the right to heal?
Perhaps if you weren't
so dead set
on denying pleasure to yourself,
you wouldn't so harshly
judge those of us
who allow ourselves to feel it.
Yeah. Blah, blah.
Psychology, psychology.
Yeah, walk away.
God, you are being
such a fucking baby right now.
Be that as it may,
it is him or me, baby.
I'm sorry, what?
- That is totally unfair.
- I don't care.
I have...
I didn't even wanna have
this baby in the first place.
- Deb.
- No. I let you talk me into it
with all your fucking bullshit
about geriatric pregnancies
- and this and that.
- Deb, Deb.
You were the one who said that
I was getting past my prime,
that I was getting
a bit long in the tooth.
Oh, come on now.
That was a joke.
Well, it fucking hurt! OK?
I still have a life
that I wanna live.
I still have things I wanna do
in this world, you asshole.
I had a basketball career!
No, you make fun of that,
but that means something to me.
So you wanna do this
all over again,
you wanna have another baby,
but you wanna do it
on your terms this time.
But at whose expense?
At my expense.
Everything is at my expense!
And so now you won't even let me
keep my doula that you hired.
That I love anyways
despite his body odor
and his borderline
inappropriate sexual dalliances
with my best friend.
This is so not cool, man.
You cannot make me choose.
Deb. Deb.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Oh, thanks!
- I know you like green.
- Thank you.
Red or blue?
I just wanna say to both of you
that I'm really sorry.
I think
I'm just a little stressed out.
I have to get up
really early tomorrow.
- For what?
- To pick up Will.
- Oh, at the airport?
- No, in Taos.
In Taos?
Wait, were you driving? That's,
like, a thousand miles away.
When are you gonna be back?
Well, I mean, you knew about it.
Tomorrow's the first day
of my window.
I did not know about this.
Yes, you did.
We talked about it.
You talked. You said, "Oh,
it's just the first day of..."
I thought we talked about it.
Oh, my God,
you're doing it again.
- Doing what?
- You're fucking doing it again.
Everything is cool.
There's snowcones
and here you are,
you are taking advantage of good
feelings to pull one over on me?
No, I'm not doing that at all.
Don't lie.
Have some respect for yourself.
Deb, OK.
We're talking about my son here.
- He's my son.
- You know, this is your son.
You mean you found out the sex
behind my back?
Oh, my God, so what?
Did you know at the baby shower?
The painting that I gave you?
That is so embarrassing.
You really fucking suck, man.
You know, you just cannot ever
make me the priority, can you?
I cannot do this with you
anymore!
We should burn some hair
or something. Toenails.
Maybe do a Wiccan ritual.
If I had the toenails
of my enemies,
I would burn them
to make them suffer.
Silvio probably left some
lying around.
In fact, I know he did.
- What's that wine taste like?
- Tastes like wine.
Does it taste like getting raped
in the face by an oak branch?
Based on the one time
that happened to me,
yes, very similar.
Gimme that.
Thank you.
No, I don't want any looks or
attitude or judgment from you.
I didn't say anything.
I know you didn't say anything,
but I know you're thinking it
and you're gonna
say something later.
And all of the recent science
suggests
that a little bit of alcohol
here and there
does not harm the baby, OK?
And for Christ's sakes,
my mom smoked and drank her way
through the entire pregnancy,
and look at me. I'm fine, right?
Yeah, if you say so.
You gonna
give that back to me or...?
Oh, no, this is mine now.
Who goes there?!
- Where are you going?
- Stay there.
What? Stop. Come back. You...
- Freeze, motherfucker!
- Freeze. Oh...
- What the fuck? Gracie?
- Deb?!
- Deb, is that you?
- Yeah.
Do you live
in this neighborhood?
Yeah, this is my house.
No way! That is so...
That is divinely random
is what that is.
Hey, Sasch!
- Hi.
- Oh, this is amazing!
- Are you OK, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm good.
I forage in this neighborhood
all the time.
I just had no idea that this was
your house, dear one.
Look at all these lemons!
Wow, she's lost it.
Do you think she's OK?
Should we...
- Should she come inside?
- Yes.
Do you wanna come inside?
I love inside.
I love outside, yes.
Yes. Confirmed.
Where's your husband?
Oh, we were never married.
But, um,
if you mean Silvio, uh...
Then I don't know.
He went
to some art opening, I guess.
We got into a fight and he left.
Fuck it.
You know the Shipibo people
hug from heart to heart?
- The Ship...? No.
- Do you need a hug right now?
- Yeah?
- Sure, yeah.
- Yes.
- Great.
Mmm...
Hm.
You're early.
You're early.
Oh, right.
Bartender.
Hey. Sil, what's up, man?
- You look gorgeous.
- Oh, thank you.
- You look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
- I love this.
- Yeah. I just, uh...
You're a little early.
No, no. Yeah, that's what
everybody's been saying.
Um, may I have
a squirting concubine, please?
A what?
Oh, it's just a joke
based on the theme of the...
- The book? Oh.
- No, no.
Just a light beer
or whatever you like.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Amy, Amy.
Hey, Arbel,
do you have, um, any, um...
- Coke?
- No. Shrooms?
I thought
that wasn't your thing.
- No, tonight it is.
- Tonight's the night?
Let's do it.
I've been waiting, like, a year.
Yeah, yeah.
No, this is... I'm feeling it.
After the day I had, you know?
- This is good shit.
- What's happening?
Organic. My friend Elma
grows this. Take one.
- Take two.
- Ooh, Nelly.
Lift-off.
Mmm. Mmm.
- God.
- That's nice.
Samuel's been in the cage
since breakfast.
Mercy is not on the menu.
Are we letting people in?
Why are we letting people in?
It... He's with me.
He's a friend.
Welcome.
Thank you.
- This is crazy.
- Yeah, it's gonna get...
- It's gonna get good.
- OK.
Stay here, all right?
- I'll be back.
- OK. Yeah. I'll just...
- Just hang out.
- All right.
Deb, stop. Get off me.
- Seriously, stop. It's annoying.
- Oh, my God.
You're embarrassing me in front
of my new friend Gracie.
No,
you're embarrassing yourself.
I don't understand what's wrong
with grabbing an ass.
Stop! Because it's mine.
And you're clearly drunk.
Oh, God.
- But I like asses.
- OK, she's on the floor now.
I like asses. I don't know what
you want me to do about that.
All right, look, dude.
I know you're going through,
like, a whole thing right now,
but...
I am.
I'm going through a hard time.
Would you take pity on this?
She doesn't pity you.
She cares about you.
- OK.
- That's questionable.
I know all about how you two
took care of each other.
Seriously, bro?
Don't look at me.
I don't disclose.
Look, you know what?
I'm gonna put it to you starkly
because I'm that kinda
bad bitch.
Don't get in the way
of me and grabbing asses.
OK.
It's the last thing
you'll ever do.
- Oh, wow.
- Me and my asses.
- Yeah.
- Katherine, don't be mad.
Hey, I bet...
if you wanted to get pregnant,
Sascha could bull's-eye you
in one try.
- I could.
- All right, that's enough.
- I'm sorry, I'm done with this.
- Pee-yew!
Pew! Look at that ass.
Notice the eyes.
Is the void staring back at you?
The mask is not traditional.
That's all that's left of him.
You're dead to all those things.
Mmm-mah...
This space between all things.
The whole thing is the default.
As gently as...
What was your trauma?
What was the trauma?
The most appropriate
physical form for Pluto...
- Get me out of here.
- Is the corpse.
OK, this is weird.
Shit. I don't like it.
- I don't like it at all.
- Notice the eyes.
Is the void staring back at you?
You can't understand.
It's OK.
It's been over for a while.
I'm here.
We should get cheeseburgers.
Don't say that out loud.
There it is. OK.
Ooh, yeah.
Oh, God, why did you let
me drink so much?
- Do you think you can walk?
- No.
Well, Deb, come on.
Let's get you in bed.
I'll put a little trashcan
by the bed
in case you wanna
have a barf party.
No. Please, just stay.
Stay here and say things to me.
OK.
- Like what?
- A story.
Very well.
Would you like a happy story
or a sad story?
- Both.
- OK.
Once upon a time
in the farthest corner
of the darkest forest on Earth,
- in the hollow
of an old dead tree...
- Hmm.
- There lived a magic woman.
This woman was magic because
she possessed three rocks.
- A red rock, a blue rock.
- And a black rock.
Yeah, a black rock.
How did you know that?
- Process of alliteration.
- No.
- Really?
- Really.
Wow, you had a lot.
Um... in order to use
the magic of the rocks,
all three rocks
had to be together.
Only then
could the magic be used.
But when they were,
the red rock
could control people's actions.
The blue rock
could control people's emotions.
- And the black rock...
- Was the mind of God.
Full disclosure,
Penka already told me this.
Oh, OK. Yeah, of course she did.
Oh, I didn't get it then,
I don't get it now.
Well, it's... it's complicated.
Do you miss her?
Yeah.
Me too.
She was the only pure thing
in my life.
My mom didn't want me,
I don't think, overall.
- No?
- No.
I mean, she had me when she
was 21, so that's pretty young.
It was like, you know, being
raised by your older sister.
I wanted to play
Chutes and Ladders.
She wanted to go out dancing,
so we went out dancing.
I'd be on one of those blankets
underneath the tables
at one of those places
where they just throw
peanut shells on the floor.
That's actually how we found out
that I'm allergic to peanuts.
I was two years old and my face
blew up like a fucking balloon.
I didn't know that. Good thing
I haven't given you any peanuts.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Deb.
What are you afraid of?
That I won't love him.
The baby.
That baby is gonna be one lucky
ducky to have you as a mother.
How the hell am I gonna do this?
I'm gonna help you.
But you won't need it.
I think he dropped.
Yeah, it looks like it.
What is this?
- You don't know?
- No.
- Tell me.
- It's pheromones.
- Hmm?
- Yeah.
It's from
our hunter-gatherer days.
If you were hunting in the woods
and you were
incapacitated somehow,
the baby would smell
the pheromones...
and follow it
all the way up to...
the breast.
Ooh.
You're just a little sissy,
aren't you?
- I'm just a little sissy baby.
- Yeah.
You're just
a little tit-sucking sissy baby.
That's what you are.
- You're nuts.
- Is this what you want?
Uh...
Oh, my God,
I just realized something.
I only went to London once.
I think we had Will too early.
We had him too early.
I never had a chance to travel.
Oh-ho! Ho-ho!
These are not for you.
Ha! Ha!
Me again.
Uh... Huh!
Whoa.
- Uh-huh?
- Uh-huh?
Yeah. What happens now?
Oh, shit.
Yeah, so I quit my day job
because they're, like,
"Can't go to New Orleans for six
weeks to tour with the band."
Oh, I'm in a band.
So I was like,
"I'll just do it," you know?
I'll just...
I'll just be a driver.
- Are you OK?
- Yup. Just having a baby.
- No way!
- Ugh. Yes, way.
Is that why we're going
to the hospital? Wow!
- Yes.
- Cool.
Yeah, you're about
three centimeters dilated.
What? Damn it.
It really felt
like way more than that.
No. No, the contractions
are still very sporadic.
Right. Well, fuck, dude.
Did we come in too early?
No, not at all.
I'm gonna get you started on
some Pitocin, get things moving.
Wait, get...
We want you outta here.
Home with baby, right?
Yeah.
Can I, um...?
Can I have a little bit of time
to think about it?
Of course. Of course. I'll be
back in a couple of hours
- and check in on you, all right?
- OK.
- Hang in there.
- Thanks.
So, anyway, once I bailed my mom
outta jail that time,
I swore
that I would never do it again.
Anyway, I heard
she's down in Yuma
working on some lettuce farm.
You know, my point
is my mom did OK, you know?
I mean, it is not healthy for me
to be around her at this point,
but...
she did it alone.
I can do it alone.
- Oh, I had three on my own.
- Yeah?
Their dads were no good,
not one of 'em.
I kept trying, though.
Kept getting duds.
Eh, life goes that way
sometimes.
Yeah, well, we just
don't need men, do we, Tammi?
Fuck, no.
Fuck, no, we don't.
Anyway,
what are you in here for?
Uh, I had to have
about 20 inches of gut removed.
- What?
- Doc says I won't miss it.
They weren't all bad.
Actually, Tom was all right.
I could've made a go of it
with Tom... but I didn't.
My choice. I was brash.
Now I got colon cancer. Fuck it.
Well, where are your kids?
Oh, they all left.
Kids don't stick around,
you know? They leave.
Poof, they're gone.
And then they don't even call.
Do you play basketball?
You know what?
That doesn't matter.
When you get your colon
put back together,
I want you to come see me down
at the Silver Lake Rec Center.
We're gonna ball it up.
- All right, sweetheart.
- OK.
But I gotta get outta here.
Best of luck, Tammi.
Thanks, friendo.
Thank you.
Save it, pal.
I'm having this baby at home.
- My body has spoken.
- Debbie, this-this...
Deb. My name is Deb.
It is not Debbie.
Debbie is for snack cakes.
Also I'm creeped out by your
hairy forearms, I'm sorry.
It's really nothing personal.
It's just maybe try shaving
the hair back a little bit
or... or else tanning the skin
underneath,
so that the contrast
isn't so great.
I think it's just mainly
a contrast issue.
You, Doula.
You should not be encouraging...
It's Sascha.
You should not
be encouraging this.
You know
what the word doula means?
No.
Look it up.
Let's go!
Later, gator!
Gracie?
Hey, the baby's coming
and we need a midwife.
This guy's just a doula.
- Gracie.
- What?
We got... Yeah.
- Baby's coming.
- Where's the baby?
She'll be fine, right?
I don't think so,
but she's all we've got.
Oh, fuck me.
You got this, Mamma.
Fucking off!
- OK.
- Better?
Hm-hmm. Yes.
How do you want to do this?
Um...
OK, OK. Breathe.
- OK. Breathe with me, Deb. Yes.
- Ooh. Ahh!
OK, bitch!
Oh, God. Oh.
It's so much better
with my pants off.
Good.
- OK. Deb.
- Hm-hmm?
- We're gonna get you...
- Deb?!
- Deb? Deb!
- Jesus, in here.
I was at this shibari party
and I took some mushrooms.
- You were where?
- And I had this...
It doesn't matter, I'll explain.
Hi, guys. Hi... Gracie.
What are you doing here?
Where are my paintings?
- This is the birthing room now.
- But the paintings...
- She's five centimeters dilated.
- What about the hospital?
I went and I couldn't do it.
- This is what I want.
- Wow. Amazing.
- And so, Gracie and...
- Yes.
Sorry,
I'm just getting caught up.
Well, I'm really glad
that you're getting caught up,
but I thought that I kicked you
out, so why are you here?
OK, I'm gonna make some tea.
Sascha, can you show me
where the things are?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, thank you.
So what?
You took mushrooms?
You had a vision, is that it?
- Essentially, yes.
- Hm-hmm. And?
OK, I saw the two of us
and we were both pregnant.
No, no, no!
But it wasn't like that. Just...
It's not like it sounds.
It was the two of us.
We were walking side by side
in the desert.
But you know, like,
how sometimes in a dream,
you are somewhere,
but then that somewhere
is a different somewhere?
- Silvio!
- Yeah.
I am super glad
that you're here, man.
But I'm gonna need you
to shut the fuck up.
- Well...
- Shut up! OK?
What about going to go get Will?
- Oh! This is the best part.
- Hm-hmm.
I called up Natasha and I said,
"Deb is in her window."
And if you want him out here,
you can drive
his little butt out here.
"I need to be with Deb."
- You did?
- Yeah.
- And? What'd she say?
- She was cool with it.
- It wasn't that big of a deal.
- Wow.
Can I just...
- How can I help, babe?
- Ooh, I don't know, bro.
I'm gonna need you to find
me some,
like, rawhide to chew on
or something.
No. When are people
going to hear me in this house?
I don't drink tea.
- This is my tea.
- Fucking right it is.
Sascha, um...
I let a lot of my own fear, uh,
get in the way of this process,
and I just wanted
to say I'm sorry
for the hurtful things
that I said.
Also, he masturbated
me last night,
but we were both pretty drunk.
- What?
- Kidding!
Kidding.
You two kiss and make up, OK?
Oh, God!
Mother of God.
That is not pleasant.
God bless her.
Ummm...
- Ow!
- Star kiss.
Deb, pop your top.
I'm just gonna pour a little
on your chest.
That might be your best soup.
- Really?
- I think so.
Better than the one we gave you?
God!
I can really feel it
in the hamstrings.
Yeah, I feel it.
- Oh, no, me.
- Oh.
- Seven centimeters dilated.
- What the actual fuck?
No, I was six centimeters
six hours ago.
- Deb...
- I'm gonna kill somebody.
Babies come into this world
in all kinds of different ways.
Yeah, all kinds of ways.
This is a loser way.
My baby's a fricking loser.
Heartbeat is strong.
The oxygen is good.
There's nothing
to worry about, Mamma.
- This is just taking...
- as long as it takes.
Oh, God, who knew that this shit
could be so boring?
Push. Push, Deb. You can
do this. You can do this.
Push.
Yes, yes.
Yes. Yes.
No, is this shit? Am I shitting?
- Yes.
- Just go with it.
- No, no!
- Go with it.
- OK.
- Wait. Babe.
- No!
- Where are you going, baby?
Babe, you want some help?
- You got this?
- Yes.
OK.
OK. Hey, Deb?
You forgot something.
Fuck you,
you male doula motherfucker!
Oh, wow.
Did you have pickles today?
Very healthy.
Guys, there's another.
I'll get something
to clean it up.
Mm.
Mmm...
Yeah, there we go. C'mon, Deb.
Hey, you gotta push.
C'mon, Deb.
You need to push.
Push.
Push. Here we go. Yes.
Push. Ooh, yes.
Push. I can see it.
I can see your beautiful baby.
Oh, Deb.
OK, I need you to push
again. I need you to push again.
- No.
- Push again, Deb.
Deb, you gotta push now.
Now, Deb. Here we go.
Here we go. Push.
C'mon, push.
You can do it, Deb. C'mon.
C'mon, Mamma. Come on. Push.
Yes. Yes.
Got it. I got it. Push.
- Here we go.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes!
Hey!
Here, Silvio,
rub it, rub it, rub it.
OK.
You did it, Deb.
Honey.
Ohh...
Deb.
- Call an ambulance.
- What?
Call an ambulance now.
Now! Now!
I got you.
- Deb.
- Deb?
- Deb, I got you.
- Deb.
I got you. Come on, Deb.
The tree is a tree.
The tree is a tree.
Rejoice in her now
in God's name.
Deb.
Deb?
Are you waking up?
Where's the baby?
- What'd you say, honey?
- Where's my baby?
She's right here.
You... you want her?
Did you say "she"?
Uh-huh.
Stout helps the milk come in.
Yeah, don't mind if I do.
How you feeling?
High as fuck.
OK, well, maybe let's put
a pause on the stout.
No. Rude.
- I feel ashamed.
- What? Why?
Because after all that,
I just ended up at the hospital.
Oh, you just need someone
to blame.
Let's get Dr. Zonkowski in here.
This is all his fault.
Dr. Gregory Zonkowski.
Excuse me, Nurse?
Can you get Dr. Zonkowski?
We're having a reckoning in here
and we're gonna need him
to blame, OK?
That'll make you feel better.
God.
That was... That was hard.
That was the easy part.
What is he talking about?
Gimme my beer.
C'mon, give it all to me.
I wanna be impregnated
right the fuck now.
I serve at the pleasure
of my mistress!
Oh! Oh-oh! Ah!
Oh, bull's-eye.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Shoot.
Is it actually OK for women
to drink alcohol
during their pregnancy
and, like, do all that shit,
like, eat ceviche and shit?
'Cause I've been doing my...
You know what doula
translates to?
No, I don't know.
The one who reminds you
that everyone is a free person
and can do whatever they want.
But that doesn't mean
that they should.
Hmm, I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Man, this is never gonna work.
I don't see a baby.
I see, like, an orange-ish blob.
I mean... I don't know,
is it supposed to...?
Penka?
Silvio?
Oh, I forgot your milk, Penka.
Silvio! No, it's not...
Come here now.
- What's up?
- Um...
- What's up?
- I think she... Oh.
What? Penka?
Penka.
Oh.
Le garon. Et tu fais.
Et tu fais.
Sure. You have
multi-instrumentalist vibes.
- That's why I ask.
- Oh, OK.
My labor was
54 hours and 45 minutes.
Think about
the symmetry of that.
Yeah. Whew.
I mean, after hour 12,
just gimme the epidural.
I mean, it's just, like...
I just wanna be numb, you know?
To be honest, I've been
chipping with the oxies already.
It's my lower back.
It's been killing me.
An oxy here and there's
not gonna hurt the baby.
OK, she's... she's...
- She's kidding.
- Oh.
- She's kidding.
- No, I'm not.
So have you found a replacement?
A replacement?
- For poor sweet Penka.
- Oh.
Um, well, we did
just kind of talk about
doing a hospital birth.
- Did we, though?
- What?
First of all, slow your roll.
I mean, it's like,
we're pretty far along as it is,
and Penka was kinda
the only person
that I would want to do...
Well, but Penka...
Penka was special.
So special. So special.
Right, but... It doesn't mean
there aren't more...
- other special...
- I think that we're just...
- We're still figuring it out.
- Yeah.
Sounds like you two
are still figuring it out.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Do you know what that is?
Cabbage.
And this one?
- Cabbage again.
- Right.
- A lot of cabbage.
- Hm-hmm.
Boys, can I have
your attention, please?
Boys? Hi.
Do you know why
everyone's here today?
My mommy died.
Do you remember Penka?
She was there
when you were born.
Her hands were the first
human hands to ever touch you.
Do you know where you were
before you came to this world?
Do you know where you go
when you leave?
You walk, just like Penka,
back over the Rainbow Bridge.
But everyone you leave behind
will stay here
and be very, very sad.
Your mommy, your daddy,
everyone you ever loved will be
very sad that you're gone.
And you, Thor, and you, Erik,
you won't be Thor
and you won't be Erik anymore.
- Who will we be?
- You'll be nothing.
Then your bodies
will burn into dust
and... everything you thought
you were will be no more.
Hmm.
What did we call it
when we were kids
or what did they call it
in comic books?
X-ray vision, right?
You could see through people's
pants and shirts, right?
Superpower.
It's what Penka had.
Those of you who knew her
know what I'm talking about.
Now, by saying that she
could see into this mystery,
am I saying that
she had all the answers? No.
Did she have the ability
to change the outcome? No.
No, she didn't.
Because in the end,
we are all, and can only be,
servants to the will of God
and not even Penka knew that.
Isn't that...
Isn't that beautiful?
That fine line between...
and she, you know?
We can use reason so much to get
to the bottom of things, right?
We wanna be able
to figure it out.
I wanna get to the bottom.
Where's it going? Oh.
Where'd it go?
It's a hundred miles back
that way. It's fucking gone.
It's fucking gone.
You cut down a tree
to see what's inside.
What do you wind up with?
A dead tree, right?
So the tree is a tree.
Penka is Penka.
Let us rejoice in her now
in God's name.
Amen.
Sascha?
Who's that?
That's Penka's son.
How's school?
G-O-O-D.
- Really?
That's not what your mom said.
Whatever she tells you, I did
not get sent home from school.
Yes, you did!
You got sent home from school.
- Hi, Silvio.
- Hi.
Yes, he did
get sent home from school
for leaving the classroom
without permission.
Hmm. Will?
- Where are you going?
- I'm getting ice cream. Chill!
Ice cream, really? I mean...
- Whatever.
- How's it going over there?
Will, can you go out back
for a second?
- Why?
- I need to talk to Daddy alone.
Yeah. It's just...
I'd be more comfortable
if you didn't do that.
Do what?
Just the whole,
"I need to talk to Daddy."
Just, "I need to speak
to your father,"
or, "I need to talk
to your dad."
Just... it's better that way
because otherwise, it seems
like we're still together.
- OK.
- Well, don't be mad.
No, it's fine.
We're definitely not together.
So don't... you don't
have to do the thing...
So, did you, um, get a chance
to think
about what we talked about?
- Yeah and, um...
- What did you decide?
Because I've been thinking
about it
and he really needs
his father right now.
Totally. There's just
a lot of things
on this side of it, Natasha.
Like, we have to get
a bigger house
and the baby's coming soon.
- I know. Exciting.
- Hm-hmm.
The only thing...
I have this yoga retreat
in Tulum
coming up
right around winter break.
OK. So, like, in three months.
Well, right, but I need to book
the plane ticket
and the hotel now.
Oh, I see.
So, can you take him?
Yeah. I mean,
what I was gonna say
was we talked about it and yes,
we can take him.
- And be happy to.
- Really? That's great.
- What are you doing?
- I mean, I think you're right.
- He needs his dad.
- I'll start packing his stuff.
- Bye, Will.
- Daddy says, "Bye, Will."
Yeah, seriously. Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
Holy shit!
- Hi.
- Oh, sorry.
I'm Sascha.
People don't usually
come that way.
Just... around the front.
OK, Lev. Bounce pass.
Here he goes.
- OK.
- Layup.
He's coming in hot.
He's coming in hot.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Yes, all right.
No, Lev. That's good.
If you blow the layup,
don't grab the board.
You just circle back,
you try it again.
- OK.
- You crush.
Madonna, you ready? Bounce pass.
Here she goes,
here she goes, here she goes.
She's up.
Sick!
Guys, this is so sweet.
But, I mean, I'm really
not gonna be gone for that long.
Like, maybe six months tops.
So I don't really see the reason
for all this cake and shit.
Although,
I do really appreciate it.
Um, I don't know,
maybe some of you guys won't
be here by the time I get back.
I mean, you guys
aren't looking too good.
It's real. Let it sink in.
And if that's the case, I do
wanna take this moment to say
that you guys are the best damn
basketball team of octogenarians
that I've ever had the pleasure
to coach.
You guys, just please keep
running your drills and shit.
You're getting good,
really good,
and I'm super proud of you.
God, that is sickly sweet. Lev,
stay away from this stuff, OK?
It's gonna put you
in a diabetic coma, yeah?
I can have a little.
I'm sorry, man, I... I...
I don't know what Deb did with
your mom's, uh, effects, but...
- She'll be back.
- I have nowhere to be.
Did you want a water or a...?
I have water. I have, um...
No, no, no, no. I'm good.
I drink a lot of soup.
- Yeah, that's not your mom's.
- Are you an artist?
I am, actually,
but that's not...
That's not mine,
that's a Grigor.
But then that...
Yeah. That one is mine.
- Beautiful.
- Thanks.
Yeah, your mom wasn't much of
a reader from what I could tell.
- Books are heavy.
- Yeah, I guess that's true.
Every time I move,
I'm like, "Ugh, the books."
- Do you move a lot?
- No.
Your son?
- Yup, that's Will.
- Does he like Deb?
They haven't met yet,
funnily enough.
Hmm.
- He wasn't born at home, was he?
- No, in a hospital.
How was that?
I wanted a home birth, actually,
but his mother... didn't.
Safety, sanity,
security, sterility.
- Sure.
- Stereotypical.
Sorry. Oh.
Oh, now that.
Yeah, now that is your mom's.
I don't know what it is, though.
Oh.
Is that for, um...
She was almost 50 when she
had me. Did you know that?
She was a whore at the time.
Sex worker, if you like.
Yeah. She was turning tricks
until I was nine.
If you didn't have
a lot of money,
that's just how you got along
at Rajneeshpuram
if you were a woman.
Then she traded in
her hooking boots for these.
I came to it first.
I led her on the path.
There was this girl in camp,
Yamuna.
God, I loved her.
She was pregnant
by her boyfriend Mark
who was facing
several indictments
for cocaine trafficking.
As the summer got hotter
and her belly
grew more round and full,
I found myself by her side
more often than not,
helping her with cleaning
and calisthenics,
whatever was required.
We'd talk all night long
about big subjects,
nature of things.
Then when her time came,
I helped her.
I was only nine years old,
but it was like
my hands were being guided
by some unseen energy.
I can see 'em now like daylight.
My hands moving to her forehead,
down to her belly, reaching
for the neck of the womb.
Opening.
Opening just the same way
the earth cracks and yawns,
revealing her eternity.
Hours later,
when Penka discovered us
all wrapped up
together under the stars,
she was so moved
by the sight of me
still elbow-deep
in dried sanguine fluid
that... it changed her.
We were known
all over Rajneeshpuram.
The old midwife and her son.
Those were heady days, by God.
Wait. So, so...
you're a midwife?
I'm a doula.
Stay right there.
Uh...
Can I take your picture?
Yeah.
- Like this?
- Sure.
How did you...
How did you know what to do?
How did the baby know
what to do, or Yamuna?
I mean, haven't you ever been
guided by something,
and you just know?
I think so.
You've got a great eye.
Thanks.
You know, we would've made room
for her in the house,
but she always insisted
on staying out here.
She swiped it off
a blown-up convoy outside Blaj.
I don't think
she spent a night away from it.
This was her home.
Oh, man. I'm so, so sorry.
Oh, God, I'm embarrassing
myself. I didn't know...
I didn't know being here
would be so hard.
- I should've packed it up.
- Please, please don't.
Just...
I feel like if we take it down,
then that will be
the last of her.
She was a great lady.
I really regret taking that job
in Kinshasa.
Well, you couldn't have known.
She was 90.
Listen.
Why don't you just, you know...
why don't you stay?
No, no. I couldn't.
Not without Deb's approval.
We're actually in a bind here.
We could really use the help.
- You'd be helping us out.
- How far along is she?
She's six weeks out
from her window.
The home stretch.
You could stay here in the tent,
if you'd be comfortable,
of course.
You know that thing
you just said
about being guided by something?
That's how this feels.
- Very well.
- Great.
Do you have a bag or anything?
No. I'll borrow.
OK, I mean,
we have plenty of things.
I mean, we look like
we're about the same size.
Oh.
- How are your erections?
- My...?
- Are you getting them?
- Yeah. No. Yeah.
I was curious because,
uh, my ladies often
say that they need that.
But their guys, they get
a little nervous about it,
especially
in the third trimester.
- Oh, yeah. No, we're...
- No, but it's important.
- By stimulating orgasms.
- I did not know that.
Got some shopping in.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Uh...
- Here, let me.
Oh, no, you don't... What, are
you putting this guy to work?
You what? He's a what?
Yeah, the tent's still up
so I hired him.
- Oh, my God, are you insane?
- No, why would you say that?
Because you didn't even ask me.
But I figured
we needed somebody.
But we said that
we were gonna talk about this.
- Hey, Deb?
- Yeah?
For the tea.
- Milk, please.
- Done and done.
Do you need help
finding where stuff is, or...?
No, it's very intuitive.
I'm good.
You should hear him
talk about midwifery.
- It's really inspiring.
- I'm sure.
- Look, he just lost his mom.
- I know.
Deb, if it's not working out,
it's not working out.
We'll just be like, "Hey, man,
it's not working out."
Yeah. We don't even fucking know
this guy.
- Dude, it's Penka's son. C'mon.
- I know.
- Deb.
- Tea time.
Have you ever felt like you were
being guided by something,
like, you just knew that
something was the right thing?
- What?
- Can you please try
to just trust me,
just a little bit, please?
Besides, Penka had very rough
hands. You didn't like that.
- You're manipulative as fuck.
- That kettle boils water fast.
I'm not manipulating.
I'm just saying that...
- Mmm.
- Oh, there's your tea.
Thank you.
After you finish, I'd like
to show you some yoni stretches.
You have a lot of tension.
That's how I protect myself
from people touching me.
All right, I gotta go.
You sure you don't wanna come,
babe?
Yeah. I'm fucking pregnant,
dude.
The only thing art openings
are good for
is wine
and unpasteurized cheeses.
OK, well,
I'll tell Simon you were tired.
- Simon'll be fine.
- OK. Bye, babe.
- Bye.
- Bye, Sascha.
Bye.
- No, nope. Nope.
- Where are you going?
- Snack attack.
- Let me get that for you.
How would you know what I want?
Do you know what
doula translates to?
Nope.
- Servant to woman.
- Oh, kinky.
Basically, anything you require,
I consider it my sacred duty.
I'm good to get my own chips,
my man, but thank you.
Lev really cannot make a layup.
Lev, take the shot!
You know that whole
pasteurized-cheese thing?
- Yeah?
- Myth.
- Really?
- Really.
- What about ceviche?
- Myth.
- Really?
- Really really.
- What time is it right now?
- It's ceviche time.
Give Mamma her ceviche
Mamma wants, Mamma likes
Mamma wants so bad
Oh, my God, do you promise me
that this is legit?
One hundred.
You were with my mother
when she crossed over, yes?
Yeah.
- What was she doing?
- Um...
She was, like, guiding me
on this meditation thing.
Was she having you
picture your baby?
Yeah, something like that.
But it didn't work
because I'm a very bad patient.
Glad it was with you.
- It's OK.
- I'm sorry.
There's nothing to be sorry for.
Let's just see
what's under here.
Bro.
- Tea time, tea time!
- Oh, no!
- Whoa-whoa!
- Sorry!
Sorry, sorry. Whoopsie, OK.
Door was open.
- I know, I know. I'm sorry.
- What?
Sascha saw me masturbating.
- Babe, I can't hear you.
- Never mind!
What?!
Hey, hon.
- Yo, have you seen the pump?
- Huh? No.
Well, you were the last person
to use it for your bike.
- Huh?
- You heard what I said.
Did I use it for my bike?
No, I did not.
- No, you did.
- Sorry, Deb. I'm just working.
Well, OK, but I need the pump
and you were the last person
to use it for your bike.
- Honey?
- I don't know where you put it.
You think you should still
be playing basketball?
What? I'll stop playing
basketball when I die, cock.
Oh, yeah. But that one,
it doesn't have a needle.
- Shut up. Where'd you find that?
- Junk drawer.
There you go.
One sec. Yo!
Did Will get that ball
that I sent?
I don't know.
I can check.
That would be nice.
Dude, I can't believe
Silvio did that to you.
- I can.
- Weren't you pissed?
- Eh, not really.
- Wow, nice shot.
I dunno, man. If someone hired
a doula without my permission,
- I'd be fucking pissed.
- I was pissed at first.
But, like, I don't know,
we needed somebody.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
Male doula?
What? Get over yourself.
It's the 21st century,
for Christ's sakes.
- Men can't be doulas?
- Bitch.
I don't know.
It's raining. Like...
What? Don't be a pussy, Peg.
- She's scared.
- Hey, language!
They're scared
because of last time.
Get on the court.
I've missed you.
Jan.
Watch your ass, bitch!
- Nice.
- Shit!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Baby!
- Ha!
- Go for it, babe.
- Rebound, rebound, Katherine.
Here.
Aran, take it up!
Oh, c'mon.
All right, listen.
Forget this. Eyes up here.
- Bank right, bank right!
- Not in my house.
Shit!
- Yeah.
- Shit.
I'm good.
Everybody, give her some space.
Give her some space.
Deb, you OK?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
- Where does it hurt?
Uh... It's just my lower back
and my old hip.
OK. I hit the ground
pretty hard.
- Anybody got any ice?
- I'm fine, OK?
It's par for the court, my dude.
All right, just sit there.
Do not move.
Peg, go get some ice, girl.
- Do I get the foul on that?
- I don't have ice.
Katherine.
Use a bag with a cold apple.
- You get the foul.
- I'm good.
Guys, I'll be good to go
in five. It's fine.
Nah, I gotta split.
I gotta do laundry.
Gotta pick up the kids,
early dismissal.
Good game, though. Really good
playing and shooting.
Yeah, Mamma's, putting you
on the bench
for a while, babe. Sorry.
I'll play.
It's raining, though.
I don't know why
everybody had to take off.
- Peg had to do laundry.
- Yeah, I heard her say that.
Fuck!
God, sorry. I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Come on!
It's the hormones, man.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
- You want me to drive?
- No, I just...
I can't play.
- You like basketball.
- Yeah, ball is life,
and that's apparently over now
because I'm... a blimp.
You could be the blimp
at the game
instead of one of
the players, you know?
Just floating over.
Was that supposed
to make me feel better?
Yes.
So, yeah, you know,
I like dog babies,
but I liked human babies more.
And that's kinda where I settled
and ended up here.
Everything else is looking good.
Do you wanna know the sex?
Um...
Yeah.
Fuck it. What are we working
with? Poker or fireplace?
- Huh?
- Like a poker.
Strange joke.
- Thanks.
- Um...
Yeah, things are a little turned
around here.
So let's see if we can get
some movement.
Hello, baby, come on.
Come on. Sprinkle a little dust.
Come on.
Oh! See? There we are.
Right there.
You have
a very distinctive, um...
A dick?
Uh, yes.
You're gonna have a boy.
What?
Congrats.
Uh... so, yeah, I...
I know there's some talk
about having this baby at home,
which, hey, that's fine.
I just wanted to talk about
the risks, given that you're...
- Old as fuck?
- No, no. You're in great shape.
It's just we should talk about,
um...
there is a risk
of complications.
- Right.
- We should talk about it.
No, I do remember this
from last time.
It's just that my partner Silvio
doesn't...
- He's... No, um...
- Hm-hmm.
I just need more time to make
a decision. Is that cool?
That's cool.
Whatever is cool.
You're cool. Everybody's cool.
Yes, take your time.
We can talk about it
next time you come in.
OK. Thank you.
All right. Have a great day,
you two.
- OK. Thank you, Dr. Zonkowski.
- Be blessed. See ya. Bye.
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
I'll meet you outside.
OK.
Hey, Dr. Gregory Zonkowski?
Yes, sir.
Yeah, sorry to bother you.
I just have a quick question.
Yeah, OK. No prob.
What's going on?
What's your C-section rate?
You look familiar. Where you
in the room with, uh, Debbie?
- Deb.
- Deb, yeah.
And you are? Who are you again?
- Are you Dad?
- I'm the doula.
The doula.
Yeah, OK.
Don't get me wrong.
You say that you're a doula.
And I can respect that. Um...
- But in all honesty, we don't...
- What's your rate, though?
There are no numbers on that
and we see this
more and more now.
Not to be rude, if you
really want to advocate for her,
you should tell her
to have the baby here.
Are you a cutter?
- I don't know who you...
- What's the cut-off time?
- The cut-off time?
- Eight hours?
Seven?
- Hi.
- Hey.
- What's up? Ready.
- Yeah, so am I.
Hi.
- Where's Silvio today?
- Uh, he had a meeting.
Was he excited about this baby?
- Yeah.
- And you?
Um, yeah.
I mean, it's a lot. We weren't
together very long before we...
- Before I...
- How long?
Three weeks.
- I know. It's Wack City, right?
- I don't know about Wack City,
but judging from the way
you play basketball,
I think you might have
borderline personality disorder.
Excuse me? Yo.
Silvio didn't ask me
before hiring you.
- Did you know that?
- I did not.
Yeah, so I don't know
what you were talking about
with the doctor in there.
But if you could, like,
not do that.
- Do what?
- Like, have conversations...
about my pregnancy
without me being in the room.
- Of course.
- Because it's just...
- No, I get it.
- Not a cool thing.
Just so you know, I wasn't.
Really? What were you
talking to him about then?
I thought he might've been
the brother of someone
I went to midwifery school with.
Do you know what the word doula
literally translates to?
Haven't we covered this?
The one who speaks for the woman
when her teeth
are gritted in pain.
I thought that you said
it was like a helper slave.
Deb, the moment you don't
need me anymore, I will vanish.
I don't make plans without you.
If I say that I want
a hospital birth
with a motherfucking epidural?
- Great. Bring on the drugs.
- Seriously?
Deb, who's having this baby?
Is Silvio having this baby?
Is the doctor with hairy arms
having the baby?
Oh, my God!
- You noticed that too?
- Yes.
And now...
Imagine now a great crack
in the bottom of this sea
leading farther down to an even
more unfathomable depth.
Place yourself there
in this crack.
Imagine that your human body
has dissolved into the crack,
that you are one with the void.
- Know that this place...
- Yo!
Is the place of all becoming.
Yo.
- Where Gaia first...
- Hey.
Hey. Yo, boo.
Hey, what do you guys got?
Little, uh... little
bougie spread going on here?
We're working
on the birth plan, babe.
Great. Those look good.
- Have some.
- Oh, thanks.
Don't mind if I do.
Mmm.
Are these pasteurized cheeses,
baby?
No.
No?
The whole
pasteurized cheese thing...
- It's a myth.
- Really?
- Is it?
- Hm-hmm.
- Gotta hit the head.
- Hm.
That's funny.
I didn't know that.
Yup.
- How was the doctor?
- Good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- What?
- Nothing.
- Hmm?
- It's just...
That doctor...
Deb likes him, doesn't she?
What about him?
Yeah, and that's fine.
Ultimately, it's her birth.
Right, but what's your
impression of him? Is he bad?
- I wouldn't say bad.
- What would you say?
I'm just worried he might be
a little... scalpel-happy,
if you know what I mean.
Jesus.
What's his caesarean rate?
Couldn't get him to tell me, but
we're gonna keep an eye on it.
- Jesus!
- Don't mention anything to Deb.
No, I won't. It's just, I want
her to do the right thing.
Don't worry about it.
I'm looking after her.
Hoo!
I just peed like one of
the girls in the squirt vids.
- That's not pee.
- Yeah, that's not pee, baby.
Oh. I hate to burst your bubble,
boys, but that's pee-pee.
- No way.
- Not with me.
Oh, really? OK.
Cheeky.
Uh... Hi, it's Silvio's Skype.
- Dad?
- No, I'm Sascha.
Your dad is running an errand.
- Who?
- I'm the doula.
What's a doula?
Oh, well, a doula,
the literal translation...
- Who are you talking to?
- Oh, Deb. Come here, it's Will.
Hey, Will, this is Deb.
Come on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too, Will.
Am I gonna have a little sister
or a little brother?
They don't know.
It's gonna be a surprise.
Well, cool.
Uh, Will, did you get
the basketball that I sent?
- Oh, yeah.
- Great.
Have you... Did you try it out?
- Yeah, it's big.
- Yeah, well, it's full size.
That's my idea. If you learn
to play on that one,
by the time your hands grow,
you're gonna be playing
like James Harden.
It's all about ball control.
My uncle says
James Harden is a nihilist.
Your uncle's a wise man.
Uh, well, we should
play together.
You know,
when I'm not so pregnant.
Oh. Will the new house
have a hoop?
The new house?
I cannot believe that you are
trying to justify this now.
You are so out of touch, my man.
God, first the doula, now this?
No. Look, I'm just trying to do
the right thing by my kid, Deb.
His mother is a nightmare.
His mother told you to take him.
She said, "Jump,"
and you said, "How high?"
That is not what happened.
I promise
I will make this up to you.
How?
Look, I'm just doing that thing
where I wanna
take care of everyone, you know?
I just...
Will you let me try?
Let me try.
I promise I won't let you down.
Bro.
Swirling, no longer a maiden.
And feel the sway right there,
just the sway.
And one, two, three, push up.
Kick away your old self.
It's not about you anymore.
That is your old life.
That is your maiden self.
You're pushing her away
to welcome in the mother.
Breathe in. Breathe out,
breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
So today... it was about work.
Because it is work
to bring a baby into the world.
Or babies.
Sometimes it's twice the work.
I have twins.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
But mammas are strong
and mammas are capable.
And that's why today
for closing words...
I wanna ask everyone
what do you think
will take a little bit of work
to bring these babies
into this world?
Chelsea.
I'm just a little concerned
about the... the pooping part.
My cousin Claire,
just... all over.
Well, I'm scared about, um...
after it's here.
Perineum tear.
I'm really, really, really
scared about it,
and I really wanna
have this baby naturally.
So I'm just gonna...
get really strong down there
and...
- and really flexible.
- Yes!
So brave.
- Deb.
- Me?
How are you, dear Deb?
I'm... good, dear Gracie.
So what's gonna take
a little hard work on your end?
Uh...
Shit. Um, gosh, I...
I really hate this part.
Can I just skip?
You can't skip.
- What? Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
- Where is that written?
- Oh, it's not written anywhere.
We're a circle of mammas.
So we, you know,
we didn't actually get any pens
and write it down.
We don't have any rules
that we wrote.
Yeah, I'm just...
I'm gonna skip.
You can't skip things!
It can't be skipped.
You can't skip.
Uh. My...
My boyfriend's kid
is moving in with us
and that's not inherently
a bad thing.
He seems like
a really sweet kid,
but I'm just
a little bit worried that the...
the baby is gonna be...
lost in all of this.
Actually that, that's, um...
that's not true.
I'm not worried that the baby's
gonna be forgotten.
I'm just worried that I'm
going to be... forgotten.
You know, Silvio has got me
knocked up and now what am I?
I'm just like a...
I'm a hostage in my own body.
I'm a goddamn delivery vessel.
But, uh, I've got Sasch,
you know, my doula.
So that's chill.
Smells a little musty.
But whatever, there. I shared.
That's what I want to do.
Call it what it is, all right?
A pussy.
OK. Well, the doctors
are gonna love that.
Yeah, well, don't you
worry about Dr. Zonkowski.
I'll take care of him.
And I'm so excited to use those.
They're robot boobs.
I don't want robot boobs.
- OK, I'll put 'em down.
- It's from me.
Oh, the grinder.
Now I can cultivate
those German
field worker forearms.
This is how we grind ze food
for ze baby.
This is how you grind
ze baby into ze food.
- Ja!
- Grind the baby and eat it.
- That's great.
- It's for food for the baby.
It's to make baby food.
Totally. Thank you, Naureen.
Thank you. That's really sweet.
- Here, let's do this one.
- Thank you.
Wow. Well, save best for last.
- It's from...
- Yup.
So, "To baby, from Dad Silvio."
- Dad Silvio, that's me.
- From Daddio Silvio.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Daddy...
OK, ready?
- Oh, let's flip it.
- Oh.
So that people can see it.
Oh, wow.
- Ta-da!
- Wow.
Wait. I don't get it.
It's gender
non-conforming, dummy.
Right, 'cause we don't know
the sex.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Aw.
We can put that
in the nursery, or...
It's beautiful, boo.
That's really nice.
OK. Guys? OK,
now the last gift is coming out.
- Arriving...
- Wow, more.
- Just about.
- There's more.
Actually coming out right now.
Just gotta...
Backing it up.
All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good.
You're good. You're good.
No, it's all good.
It's all good.
Yay, and drum roll.
Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- Wow!
Home birth tub!
- Wow. My gosh.
- All for you, babe.
Yo, where are we gonna put this?
Right here.
OK, but we... I still haven't
decided if I wanna do that.
This is just in case you do
decide to do a home birth.
And then... but if you don't,
then we can just return it.
Um, actually it says
it's non-returnable up here.
- Does... does it?
- Hm-hmm.
Big words and everything.
Oh, well,
I'll take a look at that.
But, yeah, so I mean,
it's just...
If you don't wanna use it,
you don't have to. It's just...
- I'll take it.
- Yeah, we'll take it.
I'll take it.
- Katherine. Oh, my God.
- What? I'm off duty. Chill.
Yo, I've never seen you
smoke weed before.
Good shit.
That is one thing
that I really miss.
Yeah, I miss you smoking weed
too, bitch.
Shut up. Rude.
You can smoke if you want.
- Don't tell her that.
- What?
What? Seriously. You don't share
lungs with your baby.
Yeah,
but the intoxication factor.
It's no different
than a couple glasses of wine.
- Really?
- Really.
Yo, let me see that.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey!
- What's up?
- Nothing.
We got the, uh, tub filled up.
Do you wanna come check it out?
- Oh, sure.
- Cool.
Come on. Sascha, you wanna come?
No, I'm good. You can send me
a video, baby day.
Go for it.
- I'll be back.
- Later, skater.
So, what's with all the green?
That's interesting.
I've never met one of you.
- Wait, the reality show winner?
- Yes.
- Not for nothing. Good riddance.
- Shut up.
She loved her.
- She doesn't know what love is.
- Do any of us really know?
Well, love is not
eight parking tickets.
Dude, love is not
eight parking tickets.
And how long
did she have your car?
- Four days.
- Four days!
- Eight tickets in four days!
- Get out of my... Shut up!
Hey, wait. How'd you find out?
How did you find out?
I got the motherfucking boot.
You bitches laugh.
OK. Fine. It's terrible.
It's sad.
Never telling you anything
ever again.
Oh, my gosh, you guys are
killing me! Like, the parking.
Like, all these parking tickets,
right?
They're supposed
to pay for things.
And, like, if we don't pay them,
then what will happen?
Like, there'll be
no new paved roads
and then the rats
will come at night.
They'll all be like...
all over the place at night.
And then they'll come
during the day
and then it'll just be, like,
rats all the time.
Taken over by the rats.
- Hey, Deb.
- Yeah.
You wanna be our surr
the next time around?
- Surr?
- What was that?
It's a surrogate.
Say the whole word.
What? I like the abbreviation.
Wait, are you guys
gonna have one?
Yeah. I mean,
if this thing works out,
you can just pop out another.
You know, pop out another.
Nope, that's exactly
why I will not be doing it.
This pussy is getting popped
one time, one time only.
Wait,
pussies don't actually pop.
No.
I mean, there can be
some tearing.
God, that's the thing
that I'm the most afraid of.
Yeah. Natasha, she ripped all
the way through the perineum.
Just like blood, just...
- Sorry.
- What the fuck?
God!
It's probably not the best idea
to talk about
your ex-wife's birth story
in front of
your current girlfriend
who's pregnant with your child.
- Yeah. No, totally. I'm sorry.
- I'm just saying.
Every birth story is different.
It's our job as care providers
to find out
what that experience wants to be
and protect it as best we can.
For sure.
But to answer
your question, uh...
I've only had to deal
with a full vaginal prolapse
three times in 20 years.
- Sorry, what was that?
- Prolapse?
It's... it's where the vagina
turns inside out, basically.
- Oh, ew.
- What?
Why "ew" over there?
This is the cradle of humanity,
bitches.
I'm all for
the cradle of humanity.
I just don't wanna think about
it inside out.
It's just... Wrong way.
Whether you wanna think about it
or not, you still need it.
So I will volunteer. Got nothing
tying me down anymore, so...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit. Shit.
Dirty little bastard.
Hey, there you are. No,
you don't have to do all this.
I don't have to. I choose to.
That is the greatest freedom.
Right. Chill.
But seriously, go to bed.
Why don't you relax?
Because I don't want to.
It's the last of it.
Everybody's gone.
- That Naureen is a character.
- Yeah. Oh, my God, total kook.
What are you doing?
Relaxing.
Wow.
I don't share lungs
with the baby.
No. But, Deb,
the intoxication factor.
Also, that tub is going back
to the motherfucking emporium.
Listen to me, hear me.
I'm going to the hospital
to have this baby.
Honey...
Honey, seriously.
Sascha.
Do you know what the term doula
translates to?
Ask her.
Just lubing you up
a little here.
I feel like a beached whale.
Yes, but...
OK, this is about the baby now.
- I know. I know.
- All right?
This is dish soap and water.
It's the same exact consistency
as the fluids of the birth
or of the pussy.
Thank you for honoring
my word choice.
You're welcome. Now let's close
our eyes and breathe.
Come on out, baby.
Oh, jeez.
Ooh.
The cord of life.
- I did it.
- You're free of it.
I've been born!
Oh.
Your baby is here.
Silvio, that was nice.
- It was a great birth.
- Good job.
You wanna try?
- Come on over here.
- Come on. Get in here.
- What is this?
- This is dish soap and water.
- It's the same consistency...
- No, I heard that part.
- I'm saying what is your deal?
- What is my deal?
My deal is that I'm here
to help Deb and to help you
bring this baby into the world.
Crossing over
the Rainbow Bridge.
I don't mean that.
I mean, like, you said that
you were going to help help.
What are you talking about?
With advocating
for the home birth.
- I never said that.
- Yes, you did. You said...
I said I'm looking out for her.
That's what I said.
But maybe you'll talk to her,
tell her the story...
Shh. Babies don't talk. OK.
Ooh, you're a heavy baby.
Deb, I need help
pulling this fat baby.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Got you, babe.
- I don't think that's necessary.
- Shh. Shh.
- Here you go. Ready?
Oh, my God.
Silvio?
Babe? Hey, babe.
Are you OK?
You're safe now.
Nothing can hurt you.
Shh. Shh, shh.
- Deb.
- Yeah?
Deb, I don't want the baby
to be born in the hospital
'cause Will was born in the
hospital and we almost lost him.
OK, I didn't know that.
Yeah, that doctor. That doctor,
I think he's a cutter.
Dr. Zonkowski?
Uh-huh.
- Who told you that?
- No one. I have a feeling.
- OK.
I understand,
but this is my decision
and this is the way
that it's going to be.
OK?
- OK.
- OK?
OK.
I mean, OK.
Do you want...?
I didn't do that. You did that.
- Just take your time.
- It's all about growing.
Hey, yo. Where's Hatcher?
Oh, uh, I don't think
he's gonna make it.
He was on that group text.
- You didn't get it?
- Oh, fuck, are you serious?
No, I was not included on that.
Probably because
if I knew he was making excuses,
I'd go to his house, drag him
outta bed by the fucking diaper.
Well, we got seven. We could...
Seven's not enough.
No, we gotta have fours. C'mon.
Hey, yo! Hey, come here, man.
- Oh...
- Yeah, you.
You, wavy gravy. Come on, bro.
Play with us. We need one more.
I don't know, man.
- That dude.
- Have fun with a four on four.
- All right.
- Let's flip for it.
- Hey.
- All right, he's on your team.
- All right. Tony.
- Sascha.
- Let's do it, Sascha.
- You have beautiful eyes.
This way, buddy. Thanks, man.
Appreciate that.
Stall two. Stall three.
Get back.
Yes!
Coming your way!
Oh, you dropped it?
Silvio, maybe faster.
Little feet.
- Yeah!
- No, no. He's not there.
No, no. That's right here.
You catch it right here.
- There's the line.
- The line is right there.
The line is right here!
- You caught it right here.
- He caught it right here.
- That's no good.
- Take it back.
- Is your leg OK?
- Nope, nope.
Get that stall. Stall two!
- Stall one.
- Watch the cut.
- No, no, no. I got a foul there.
- What? No.
- How?
- Pushed off.
- No, dude. That was clean.
- Sascha. What do you say?
Let's take it back
to the contested throw.
- Dude.
- Take it back.
- Dude.
- Spirit of the game.
- Great spirit, Sascha.
- There we go.
- Great spirit.
- Respect, bro.
Spirit of the game.
- I got you.
- Let's go.
From the guy
who's never played before,
but knows what spirit
of the game means.
- Disc in.
- Let's go.
- Stall one.
- Watch the cut.
Stall two. Stall three.
Stall four.
- Oh, there it is!
- No way. No way!
You're gonna push off again?
Spirit of the game?
My ass, brother!
Silvio, chill.
I'm gonna give you
one more chance.
Did you push off
or did you not push off?
No.
OK, then you can get your shit
and get out
'cause you're fucking fired.
C'mon. C'mon.
Silvio, let's keep playing.
- You work for him?
- I'll be right back. Silvio.
Fuck.
Are you looking at this?
Are you seeing this?
I'm pretty sure
that we can work this out.
Nothing to work out. He gone!
But it's not really
your decision to make.
Oh, no? Who do you think
pays your little invoices, dude?
Dude, what is going on with you?
I hire, I fire.
That's the way it works, Deb,
in a capitalistic environment.
OK, so I have
no say in this whatsoever?
The person that's actually
having this baby?
You didn't want him
in the first place.
Yeah, but now I do.
Well, you want him,
you can pay him.
Great.
That is super fucking mature.
OK, you guys wanna drink wine
and smoke weed
and do God knows what else?
Then go ahead, fine. Whatever.
It's no big deal.
It's just my fucking child, Deb.
I'm sorry, God knows what else?
What are you talking about?
You are the person
that forced this.
I thought it would be...
alternative prenatal care.
- It is!
- Not this radical hippie shit.
- I'll go, Deb.
- Which is frankly insane.
- Not a big deal.
- You are not going anywhere.
Did you know that he got a blow
from Katherine
at the baby shower?
- Wait, really?
- And then some.
OK. Wow, OK.
Um...
Yeah, sorry.
So that's what the problem is?
- So what?
- So what?
So you're OK with that behavior?
With getting blowjobs?
Yeah, so long
as he's not blowing my baby,
I'm pretty sure
I'm cool with it.
- Wow!
- He's a doula.
- Wow.
- Not the Pope.
Yeah, I know he's not the Pope.
I'll have that image
in my mind forever.
Do I not have a right
to feel pleasure, Silvio?
Do I not have the right to heal?
Perhaps if you weren't
so dead set
on denying pleasure to yourself,
you wouldn't so harshly
judge those of us
who allow ourselves to feel it.
Yeah. Blah, blah.
Psychology, psychology.
Yeah, walk away.
God, you are being
such a fucking baby right now.
Be that as it may,
it is him or me, baby.
I'm sorry, what?
- That is totally unfair.
- I don't care.
I have...
I didn't even wanna have
this baby in the first place.
- Deb.
- No. I let you talk me into it
with all your fucking bullshit
about geriatric pregnancies
- and this and that.
- Deb, Deb.
You were the one who said that
I was getting past my prime,
that I was getting
a bit long in the tooth.
Oh, come on now.
That was a joke.
Well, it fucking hurt! OK?
I still have a life
that I wanna live.
I still have things I wanna do
in this world, you asshole.
I had a basketball career!
No, you make fun of that,
but that means something to me.
So you wanna do this
all over again,
you wanna have another baby,
but you wanna do it
on your terms this time.
But at whose expense?
At my expense.
Everything is at my expense!
And so now you won't even let me
keep my doula that you hired.
That I love anyways
despite his body odor
and his borderline
inappropriate sexual dalliances
with my best friend.
This is so not cool, man.
You cannot make me choose.
Deb. Deb.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Oh, thanks!
- I know you like green.
- Thank you.
Red or blue?
I just wanna say to both of you
that I'm really sorry.
I think
I'm just a little stressed out.
I have to get up
really early tomorrow.
- For what?
- To pick up Will.
- Oh, at the airport?
- No, in Taos.
In Taos?
Wait, were you driving? That's,
like, a thousand miles away.
When are you gonna be back?
Well, I mean, you knew about it.
Tomorrow's the first day
of my window.
I did not know about this.
Yes, you did.
We talked about it.
You talked. You said, "Oh,
it's just the first day of..."
I thought we talked about it.
Oh, my God,
you're doing it again.
- Doing what?
- You're fucking doing it again.
Everything is cool.
There's snowcones
and here you are,
you are taking advantage of good
feelings to pull one over on me?
No, I'm not doing that at all.
Don't lie.
Have some respect for yourself.
Deb, OK.
We're talking about my son here.
- He's my son.
- You know, this is your son.
You mean you found out the sex
behind my back?
Oh, my God, so what?
Did you know at the baby shower?
The painting that I gave you?
That is so embarrassing.
You really fucking suck, man.
You know, you just cannot ever
make me the priority, can you?
I cannot do this with you
anymore!
We should burn some hair
or something. Toenails.
Maybe do a Wiccan ritual.
If I had the toenails
of my enemies,
I would burn them
to make them suffer.
Silvio probably left some
lying around.
In fact, I know he did.
- What's that wine taste like?
- Tastes like wine.
Does it taste like getting raped
in the face by an oak branch?
Based on the one time
that happened to me,
yes, very similar.
Gimme that.
Thank you.
No, I don't want any looks or
attitude or judgment from you.
I didn't say anything.
I know you didn't say anything,
but I know you're thinking it
and you're gonna
say something later.
And all of the recent science
suggests
that a little bit of alcohol
here and there
does not harm the baby, OK?
And for Christ's sakes,
my mom smoked and drank her way
through the entire pregnancy,
and look at me. I'm fine, right?
Yeah, if you say so.
You gonna
give that back to me or...?
Oh, no, this is mine now.
Who goes there?!
- Where are you going?
- Stay there.
What? Stop. Come back. You...
- Freeze, motherfucker!
- Freeze. Oh...
- What the fuck? Gracie?
- Deb?!
- Deb, is that you?
- Yeah.
Do you live
in this neighborhood?
Yeah, this is my house.
No way! That is so...
That is divinely random
is what that is.
Hey, Sasch!
- Hi.
- Oh, this is amazing!
- Are you OK, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm good.
I forage in this neighborhood
all the time.
I just had no idea that this was
your house, dear one.
Look at all these lemons!
Wow, she's lost it.
Do you think she's OK?
Should we...
- Should she come inside?
- Yes.
Do you wanna come inside?
I love inside.
I love outside, yes.
Yes. Confirmed.
Where's your husband?
Oh, we were never married.
But, um,
if you mean Silvio, uh...
Then I don't know.
He went
to some art opening, I guess.
We got into a fight and he left.
Fuck it.
You know the Shipibo people
hug from heart to heart?
- The Ship...? No.
- Do you need a hug right now?
- Yeah?
- Sure, yeah.
- Yes.
- Great.
Mmm...
Hm.
You're early.
You're early.
Oh, right.
Bartender.
Hey. Sil, what's up, man?
- You look gorgeous.
- Oh, thank you.
- You look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
- I love this.
- Yeah. I just, uh...
You're a little early.
No, no. Yeah, that's what
everybody's been saying.
Um, may I have
a squirting concubine, please?
A what?
Oh, it's just a joke
based on the theme of the...
- The book? Oh.
- No, no.
Just a light beer
or whatever you like.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Amy, Amy.
Hey, Arbel,
do you have, um, any, um...
- Coke?
- No. Shrooms?
I thought
that wasn't your thing.
- No, tonight it is.
- Tonight's the night?
Let's do it.
I've been waiting, like, a year.
Yeah, yeah.
No, this is... I'm feeling it.
After the day I had, you know?
- This is good shit.
- What's happening?
Organic. My friend Elma
grows this. Take one.
- Take two.
- Ooh, Nelly.
Lift-off.
Mmm. Mmm.
- God.
- That's nice.
Samuel's been in the cage
since breakfast.
Mercy is not on the menu.
Are we letting people in?
Why are we letting people in?
It... He's with me.
He's a friend.
Welcome.
Thank you.
- This is crazy.
- Yeah, it's gonna get...
- It's gonna get good.
- OK.
Stay here, all right?
- I'll be back.
- OK. Yeah. I'll just...
- Just hang out.
- All right.
Deb, stop. Get off me.
- Seriously, stop. It's annoying.
- Oh, my God.
You're embarrassing me in front
of my new friend Gracie.
No,
you're embarrassing yourself.
I don't understand what's wrong
with grabbing an ass.
Stop! Because it's mine.
And you're clearly drunk.
Oh, God.
- But I like asses.
- OK, she's on the floor now.
I like asses. I don't know what
you want me to do about that.
All right, look, dude.
I know you're going through,
like, a whole thing right now,
but...
I am.
I'm going through a hard time.
Would you take pity on this?
She doesn't pity you.
She cares about you.
- OK.
- That's questionable.
I know all about how you two
took care of each other.
Seriously, bro?
Don't look at me.
I don't disclose.
Look, you know what?
I'm gonna put it to you starkly
because I'm that kinda
bad bitch.
Don't get in the way
of me and grabbing asses.
OK.
It's the last thing
you'll ever do.
- Oh, wow.
- Me and my asses.
- Yeah.
- Katherine, don't be mad.
Hey, I bet...
if you wanted to get pregnant,
Sascha could bull's-eye you
in one try.
- I could.
- All right, that's enough.
- I'm sorry, I'm done with this.
- Pee-yew!
Pew! Look at that ass.
Notice the eyes.
Is the void staring back at you?
The mask is not traditional.
That's all that's left of him.
You're dead to all those things.
Mmm-mah...
This space between all things.
The whole thing is the default.
As gently as...
What was your trauma?
What was the trauma?
The most appropriate
physical form for Pluto...
- Get me out of here.
- Is the corpse.
OK, this is weird.
Shit. I don't like it.
- I don't like it at all.
- Notice the eyes.
Is the void staring back at you?
You can't understand.
It's OK.
It's been over for a while.
I'm here.
We should get cheeseburgers.
Don't say that out loud.
There it is. OK.
Ooh, yeah.
Oh, God, why did you let
me drink so much?
- Do you think you can walk?
- No.
Well, Deb, come on.
Let's get you in bed.
I'll put a little trashcan
by the bed
in case you wanna
have a barf party.
No. Please, just stay.
Stay here and say things to me.
OK.
- Like what?
- A story.
Very well.
Would you like a happy story
or a sad story?
- Both.
- OK.
Once upon a time
in the farthest corner
of the darkest forest on Earth,
- in the hollow
of an old dead tree...
- Hmm.
- There lived a magic woman.
This woman was magic because
she possessed three rocks.
- A red rock, a blue rock.
- And a black rock.
Yeah, a black rock.
How did you know that?
- Process of alliteration.
- No.
- Really?
- Really.
Wow, you had a lot.
Um... in order to use
the magic of the rocks,
all three rocks
had to be together.
Only then
could the magic be used.
But when they were,
the red rock
could control people's actions.
The blue rock
could control people's emotions.
- And the black rock...
- Was the mind of God.
Full disclosure,
Penka already told me this.
Oh, OK. Yeah, of course she did.
Oh, I didn't get it then,
I don't get it now.
Well, it's... it's complicated.
Do you miss her?
Yeah.
Me too.
She was the only pure thing
in my life.
My mom didn't want me,
I don't think, overall.
- No?
- No.
I mean, she had me when she
was 21, so that's pretty young.
It was like, you know, being
raised by your older sister.
I wanted to play
Chutes and Ladders.
She wanted to go out dancing,
so we went out dancing.
I'd be on one of those blankets
underneath the tables
at one of those places
where they just throw
peanut shells on the floor.
That's actually how we found out
that I'm allergic to peanuts.
I was two years old and my face
blew up like a fucking balloon.
I didn't know that. Good thing
I haven't given you any peanuts.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Deb.
What are you afraid of?
That I won't love him.
The baby.
That baby is gonna be one lucky
ducky to have you as a mother.
How the hell am I gonna do this?
I'm gonna help you.
But you won't need it.
I think he dropped.
Yeah, it looks like it.
What is this?
- You don't know?
- No.
- Tell me.
- It's pheromones.
- Hmm?
- Yeah.
It's from
our hunter-gatherer days.
If you were hunting in the woods
and you were
incapacitated somehow,
the baby would smell
the pheromones...
and follow it
all the way up to...
the breast.
Ooh.
You're just a little sissy,
aren't you?
- I'm just a little sissy baby.
- Yeah.
You're just
a little tit-sucking sissy baby.
That's what you are.
- You're nuts.
- Is this what you want?
Uh...
Oh, my God,
I just realized something.
I only went to London once.
I think we had Will too early.
We had him too early.
I never had a chance to travel.
Oh-ho! Ho-ho!
These are not for you.
Ha! Ha!
Me again.
Uh... Huh!
Whoa.
- Uh-huh?
- Uh-huh?
Yeah. What happens now?
Oh, shit.
Yeah, so I quit my day job
because they're, like,
"Can't go to New Orleans for six
weeks to tour with the band."
Oh, I'm in a band.
So I was like,
"I'll just do it," you know?
I'll just...
I'll just be a driver.
- Are you OK?
- Yup. Just having a baby.
- No way!
- Ugh. Yes, way.
Is that why we're going
to the hospital? Wow!
- Yes.
- Cool.
Yeah, you're about
three centimeters dilated.
What? Damn it.
It really felt
like way more than that.
No. No, the contractions
are still very sporadic.
Right. Well, fuck, dude.
Did we come in too early?
No, not at all.
I'm gonna get you started on
some Pitocin, get things moving.
Wait, get...
We want you outta here.
Home with baby, right?
Yeah.
Can I, um...?
Can I have a little bit of time
to think about it?
Of course. Of course. I'll be
back in a couple of hours
- and check in on you, all right?
- OK.
- Hang in there.
- Thanks.
So, anyway, once I bailed my mom
outta jail that time,
I swore
that I would never do it again.
Anyway, I heard
she's down in Yuma
working on some lettuce farm.
You know, my point
is my mom did OK, you know?
I mean, it is not healthy for me
to be around her at this point,
but...
she did it alone.
I can do it alone.
- Oh, I had three on my own.
- Yeah?
Their dads were no good,
not one of 'em.
I kept trying, though.
Kept getting duds.
Eh, life goes that way
sometimes.
Yeah, well, we just
don't need men, do we, Tammi?
Fuck, no.
Fuck, no, we don't.
Anyway,
what are you in here for?
Uh, I had to have
about 20 inches of gut removed.
- What?
- Doc says I won't miss it.
They weren't all bad.
Actually, Tom was all right.
I could've made a go of it
with Tom... but I didn't.
My choice. I was brash.
Now I got colon cancer. Fuck it.
Well, where are your kids?
Oh, they all left.
Kids don't stick around,
you know? They leave.
Poof, they're gone.
And then they don't even call.
Do you play basketball?
You know what?
That doesn't matter.
When you get your colon
put back together,
I want you to come see me down
at the Silver Lake Rec Center.
We're gonna ball it up.
- All right, sweetheart.
- OK.
But I gotta get outta here.
Best of luck, Tammi.
Thanks, friendo.
Thank you.
Save it, pal.
I'm having this baby at home.
- My body has spoken.
- Debbie, this-this...
Deb. My name is Deb.
It is not Debbie.
Debbie is for snack cakes.
Also I'm creeped out by your
hairy forearms, I'm sorry.
It's really nothing personal.
It's just maybe try shaving
the hair back a little bit
or... or else tanning the skin
underneath,
so that the contrast
isn't so great.
I think it's just mainly
a contrast issue.
You, Doula.
You should not be encouraging...
It's Sascha.
You should not
be encouraging this.
You know
what the word doula means?
No.
Look it up.
Let's go!
Later, gator!
Gracie?
Hey, the baby's coming
and we need a midwife.
This guy's just a doula.
- Gracie.
- What?
We got... Yeah.
- Baby's coming.
- Where's the baby?
She'll be fine, right?
I don't think so,
but she's all we've got.
Oh, fuck me.
You got this, Mamma.
Fucking off!
- OK.
- Better?
Hm-hmm. Yes.
How do you want to do this?
Um...
OK, OK. Breathe.
- OK. Breathe with me, Deb. Yes.
- Ooh. Ahh!
OK, bitch!
Oh, God. Oh.
It's so much better
with my pants off.
Good.
- OK. Deb.
- Hm-hmm?
- We're gonna get you...
- Deb?!
- Deb? Deb!
- Jesus, in here.
I was at this shibari party
and I took some mushrooms.
- You were where?
- And I had this...
It doesn't matter, I'll explain.
Hi, guys. Hi... Gracie.
What are you doing here?
Where are my paintings?
- This is the birthing room now.
- But the paintings...
- She's five centimeters dilated.
- What about the hospital?
I went and I couldn't do it.
- This is what I want.
- Wow. Amazing.
- And so, Gracie and...
- Yes.
Sorry,
I'm just getting caught up.
Well, I'm really glad
that you're getting caught up,
but I thought that I kicked you
out, so why are you here?
OK, I'm gonna make some tea.
Sascha, can you show me
where the things are?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, thank you.
So what?
You took mushrooms?
You had a vision, is that it?
- Essentially, yes.
- Hm-hmm. And?
OK, I saw the two of us
and we were both pregnant.
No, no, no!
But it wasn't like that. Just...
It's not like it sounds.
It was the two of us.
We were walking side by side
in the desert.
But you know, like,
how sometimes in a dream,
you are somewhere,
but then that somewhere
is a different somewhere?
- Silvio!
- Yeah.
I am super glad
that you're here, man.
But I'm gonna need you
to shut the fuck up.
- Well...
- Shut up! OK?
What about going to go get Will?
- Oh! This is the best part.
- Hm-hmm.
I called up Natasha and I said,
"Deb is in her window."
And if you want him out here,
you can drive
his little butt out here.
"I need to be with Deb."
- You did?
- Yeah.
- And? What'd she say?
- She was cool with it.
- It wasn't that big of a deal.
- Wow.
Can I just...
- How can I help, babe?
- Ooh, I don't know, bro.
I'm gonna need you to find
me some,
like, rawhide to chew on
or something.
No. When are people
going to hear me in this house?
I don't drink tea.
- This is my tea.
- Fucking right it is.
Sascha, um...
I let a lot of my own fear, uh,
get in the way of this process,
and I just wanted
to say I'm sorry
for the hurtful things
that I said.
Also, he masturbated
me last night,
but we were both pretty drunk.
- What?
- Kidding!
Kidding.
You two kiss and make up, OK?
Oh, God!
Mother of God.
That is not pleasant.
God bless her.
Ummm...
- Ow!
- Star kiss.
Deb, pop your top.
I'm just gonna pour a little
on your chest.
That might be your best soup.
- Really?
- I think so.
Better than the one we gave you?
God!
I can really feel it
in the hamstrings.
Yeah, I feel it.
- Oh, no, me.
- Oh.
- Seven centimeters dilated.
- What the actual fuck?
No, I was six centimeters
six hours ago.
- Deb...
- I'm gonna kill somebody.
Babies come into this world
in all kinds of different ways.
Yeah, all kinds of ways.
This is a loser way.
My baby's a fricking loser.
Heartbeat is strong.
The oxygen is good.
There's nothing
to worry about, Mamma.
- This is just taking...
- as long as it takes.
Oh, God, who knew that this shit
could be so boring?
Push. Push, Deb. You can
do this. You can do this.
Push.
Yes, yes.
Yes. Yes.
No, is this shit? Am I shitting?
- Yes.
- Just go with it.
- No, no!
- Go with it.
- OK.
- Wait. Babe.
- No!
- Where are you going, baby?
Babe, you want some help?
- You got this?
- Yes.
OK.
OK. Hey, Deb?
You forgot something.
Fuck you,
you male doula motherfucker!
Oh, wow.
Did you have pickles today?
Very healthy.
Guys, there's another.
I'll get something
to clean it up.
Mm.
Mmm...
Yeah, there we go. C'mon, Deb.
Hey, you gotta push.
C'mon, Deb.
You need to push.
Push.
Push. Here we go. Yes.
Push. Ooh, yes.
Push. I can see it.
I can see your beautiful baby.
Oh, Deb.
OK, I need you to push
again. I need you to push again.
- No.
- Push again, Deb.
Deb, you gotta push now.
Now, Deb. Here we go.
Here we go. Push.
C'mon, push.
You can do it, Deb. C'mon.
C'mon, Mamma. Come on. Push.
Yes. Yes.
Got it. I got it. Push.
- Here we go.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes!
Hey!
Here, Silvio,
rub it, rub it, rub it.
OK.
You did it, Deb.
Honey.
Ohh...
Deb.
- Call an ambulance.
- What?
Call an ambulance now.
Now! Now!
I got you.
- Deb.
- Deb?
- Deb, I got you.
- Deb.
I got you. Come on, Deb.
The tree is a tree.
The tree is a tree.
Rejoice in her now
in God's name.
Deb.
Deb?
Are you waking up?
Where's the baby?
- What'd you say, honey?
- Where's my baby?
She's right here.
You... you want her?
Did you say "she"?
Uh-huh.
Stout helps the milk come in.
Yeah, don't mind if I do.
How you feeling?
High as fuck.
OK, well, maybe let's put
a pause on the stout.
No. Rude.
- I feel ashamed.
- What? Why?
Because after all that,
I just ended up at the hospital.
Oh, you just need someone
to blame.
Let's get Dr. Zonkowski in here.
This is all his fault.
Dr. Gregory Zonkowski.
Excuse me, Nurse?
Can you get Dr. Zonkowski?
We're having a reckoning in here
and we're gonna need him
to blame, OK?
That'll make you feel better.
God.
That was... That was hard.
That was the easy part.
What is he talking about?
Gimme my beer.
C'mon, give it all to me.
I wanna be impregnated
right the fuck now.
I serve at the pleasure
of my mistress!
Oh! Oh-oh! Ah!
Oh, bull's-eye.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Shoot.
Is it actually OK for women
to drink alcohol
during their pregnancy
and, like, do all that shit,
like, eat ceviche and shit?
'Cause I've been doing my...
You know what doula
translates to?
No, I don't know.
The one who reminds you
that everyone is a free person
and can do whatever they want.
But that doesn't mean
that they should.
Hmm, I didn't know that.
Yeah.