Down and Out in Beverly Hills (1986) Movie Script
1
Oh, shut up, you putz.
Hi, dad. I just want you to know
why I'm being so silent lately.
It's nothing personal, but I feel it's
very hard to express myself in words.
Here's a tape which expresses
my state of mind right now.
My son, the filmmaker.
I gotta call
the sprinkler man now. Jeez.
Ah, there we are.
Mr. Whiteman, what
a nice new home suit.
Carmen, limpie las...
how do you say "candelabras"?
Candelabras.
Barbara, she speaks English.
I know that but, the next time we go to Mexico,
I intend to be prepared for
any emergencia. Emergencia.
Where's Jenny? Emergencia.
She's asleep.
Vaya Al marcardo...
Mercado.
Family, scene one, take one.
Preparing the feast, my father, Dave Whiteman.
- Get out, Max.
- How do you think Steven Spielberg got started?
- How do you feel this Thanksgiving?
- I'll tell you how I feel.
I feel like my son should
stop acting ridiculous...
On this day when we should
all be giving thanks.
- And guilty.
- Yeah, we should all be feeling a little guilty.
- People are starving in the world.
- Guilt is useless.
Your swami tell you that?
My yogi, Ranbir.
Isn't this a holiday?
It's the caterer with the Turkey.
Arrival of the bird.
Carmen, la porta, por favor.
Why doesn't he use
the servants' entrance?
por qu no USA la Puerta de atrs?
Let's go.
Ah, the sister, the Princess,
back home from Sarah Lawrence.
Morning. I'm going to
the beach. If Stacey calls,
tell her that I left already.
- No breakfast?
- I'll get something down there. Bye, dad.
Bye, Max.
All I do is wave to her.
She's nothing but a blur with a nice smell.
Al, Al, is the bird big enough?
My father loves white meat.
Your bird's bigger than Mel Brooks' bird,
and he's got 15 people coming, Mr. W.
- Is he nice, Mel Brooks?
- Very sweet man.
Get the door. Come on,
get the door. Let's go.
Come on, Kerouac, let Jerry sleep.
Hello.
You look hungry, huh?
Yeah, you want what I've got here?
Yeah, isn't that good?
Hey. Hey,
are you lost?
You don't have a collar on, huh?
Yeah, you wanna come home with me?
My husband's gonna kill me.
Come on. Come on.
Yeah, come on.
That's right.
Let me show you something.
This is our mobile home park.
We're talking about 500 units.
Jenny, you want some more meat?
I ate at the beach, daddy.
What kind of people live
in those trailer parks?
We got nice retired people
like Mel and Sadie...
And people who are sick
and tired of the rat race.
Maybe I should move into one of my parks.
Could you hold the photo up?
Stop it, Max. You can walk on the
fire, on the coals, no question.
Yogi, can you teach
my daughter to eat?
That's a deeply neurotic
statement, dad, really.
Carmen, las Cranberries, por favor.
There's no more white meat.
I told you I love white meat.
The pooch ate the white meat.
Barbara, next year
I'm using another caterer.
Make sure you give me the receipts.
Sidney, I would like to try and walk on hot coals.
Is that a tax deduction, yogi?
Yes. It is?
Then walk on hot coals; I don't care.
How's your family, Carmen?
Not so very good, senora Waltzburg.
My brother, he's trying to
come up here to find a job.
- What does he do?
- He cuts sugar cane in the fields.
Not much call for that
in Los Angeles.
Who asked you?
- Matisse, stop that.
- Neurotic dog scene, take one.
- You're the one that's neurotic.
- We're taking him to a dog psychiatrist.
Father and son scene, take one.
Max, I think it's about time...
That you started learning the hanger
business, stop wasting time with the camera.
- I don't like hangers.
- You don't like hangers?
It's hangers that
clothe and feed you!
It's hangers that pay for the fakakta
camera, for cryin' out loud.
Max, talk to me man to man.
What's troubling you?
What is it?
Perhaps we should all
meditate for a moment.
Kerouac?
Kerouac?
Kerouac!
Did you see a little tan dog?
Kerouac.
Kerouac!
Anybody seen my dog? It's a little tan dog.
I lost my little dog.
No! No. No!
I lost my little tan dog.
Kerouac!
Has somebody got him?
Excuse me.
Who's got my dog?
Excuse me, you're gonna have to leave.
No! I lost my goddamn dog.
You're gonna have to
leave the restaurant.
Security is...
Kerouac!
Well, well, well.
What's the problem, Jerry?
I lost my dog. I'm lookin' for my dog.
He lost his dog.
Yeah, that's right.
I think you ought to stop runnin'
around here harassing people.
My dog was stolen.
I think it was dognapping. I understand.
Why don't you go downtown and take a bath?
Screw you. I'm a citizen.
Just relax now.
I understand. Come on.
I'm a citizen. Okay. Okay.
- I wish you could stay a little longer.
- I'll be back at Christmas.
Maybe Jim will come home with me.
Yeah, I'd like to meet him.
It seems real serious.
It's hard to find someone
as nice as you, dad.
What does he do, this Jim guy?
He's road manager for a rock group.
Hope he's not a drug addict.
He smokes some grass
and does a little cocaine,
but I assure you
he's perfectly normal.
I want you to tell me that you don't do drugs.
Dad, stop this inquisition.
I'm 19 years old. Okay, okay.
I'm your father.
Why does mother keep falling for
all these gurus and charlatans?
It's so '60s.
Hey, hey, hey.
What?
You haven't said anything about the car.
It's nice.
Nice.
It's not too, uh, too Beverly Hills?
Dad, you do not have to justify anything.
You work very, very hard for your money.
Well, I guess I feel, you know,
a little guilty. Guilt sucks.
Yeah. Kiss. Bye.
Maybe they'll give her
a good meal on the plane.
I'm very worried about Jenny. Why?
I think she's an anorexic. Anybody who
doesn't snack all day is anorexic to you.
Couldn't she go to school
in California?
There are very good schools in California.
She just wanted a change.
Who's this Jim guy?
I'm sure he's very nice.
Think they're having sex already?
Dave, don't get yourself upset.
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
It's a new age for women, honey.
Barbara... Barbara.
Do you know more than you're saying?
I hope she is having sex.
It's time.
You've got great shoulders, Barb.
Must be the moon.
Come on, I'm feeling very sexy.
Who cares what the reason is.
I'm very depressed.
Come on.
Come on, my little baby.
It's too much meditating. Oh, no. Honey...
I think it's an allergy.
In fact, I'm convinced of it. So is Ranbir.
Honey, please.
Maybe you're allergic to me.
Dave, you're such a nudge.
Barbara.
You happy?
I'm content.
Sometimes I wonder.
Dave, I'm changing.
That causes stress.
You should take a couple of Tylenol.
I'm not even going to dignify
that with a response.
I'm very worried about Max.
He seems very confused.
I saw him in a tutu tonight.
Dave?
Dave, that was the cherry
on the cake of my day.
Thank you.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Barb.
Dog's supposed to be loyal, goddamn it.
Where the hell's your loyalty?
You're a mutt. You're an ungrateful
mutt of a mongrel, that's what you are.
You son-of-a-bitch.
You wait 'til I get my hands on ya.
Son-of-a...
Kerouac?
Go for it, putz.
Oh, Mr. Whiteman. Oh.
You have to call me Dave.
Oh, Dave.
Oh, I knew you would come tonight.
Oh, Mr. Whiteman.
Shut up, you putz you.
I hate that dog so much.
Oh, trouble at the Whiteman house.
Goddamn alarm. Cops are gonna come.
Oh, I have no green card.
I'll take care of this pronto.
Close encounters of
the fourth kind, take one.
My house! My house!
My house! No problem.
It's okay. No robbery. Don't worry.
It's okay. There's no robbery.
We'll take a look around anyway.
You never know. Fine. No problem.
Sorry, Mr. Whiteman.
Lance, why do these things keep happening?
Could be a change in
humidity, or some animal.
I'm going to need an alarm for the alarm.
Get your hands off them guns!
I'm Orvis Goodnight!
A record producer, you understand?
I live right across the street from this
place, but I don't get...
This kind of service, no, sir.
Two weeks ago, a thief
tried to break in my house.
Called the police.
Good god almighty.
It took 20 minutes for
the policemen to arrive.
One little car.
No dog. No chopper.
I know why I don't get the
protection I'm supposed to get.
Because I'm black. Black!
I'm a black man!
Ain't no black man supposed
to live in Beverly Hills.
Let one black man stop
to tie his shoes...
Or scratch his behind on rodeo drive;
the SWAT team would
parachute down over my brothers.
I spent $3.6 million...
For that pile of stucco
you see over there.
I want the same protection,
the same protection,
that you give old
David Whiteman over there.
And I'm bringin' in mo' brothers.
Mo' brothers!
Whoo-woo!
I'm gonna sue you, Whiteman. Matisse!
Matisse! This dog is a killer dog.
He's gonna kill somebody.
Max, stop it. Come in, please.
All right, thank you very much.
Sorry, Mr. Whiteman. Take care of it as
soon as you can. All right, all right.
Get that helicopter
out of here, please!
Kerouac?
Kerouac?
Bueno, Jesus.
No. No, no.
Muy bueno, Jesus.
I'll come down in a couple of days
so that I can wish all the hombres...
Barbara, how do you say "happy
new year" in Spanish? Feliz ao.
Feliz aos, okay?
Just me and my, uh, esposa...
hold on, hold on.
Barbara, is that the new pool man?
Hey. Hey!
Call 911! Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, Mr. Whiteman!
What's happening?
Oh, my god.
Down here, Dave.
Come here!
I ay, dios mo!
Over here, Dave. I got him.
Come here, come here.
I got him, I got him. Oh, my god.
Hold him! He's got
rocks in his pockets.
Hello?
Operadora. Operadora!
Oh, my god.
I called 911.
[ Shouting ]
What the hell? C.P.R. C.P.R.
Don't, Dave. You'll catch
aids or plague or herpes!
Oh, my god!
He lives.
He lives!
Carmen, get some blankets.
Get some Brandy, quick.
Quick! Quick!
Get him over to the chaise lounge.
Come on, get him over.
There we go.
All right, hold him.
There we go.
The dog killed somebody.
I told you.
Okay, here.
Drink this, drink this.
Ugh. Christ, you got any Courvoisier?
He must be in shock.
How long was he in the water?
Not very long. I gave him c.P.R.
He saved him. Would you check my husband?
He had his lips on this man's lips.
Good work. Thank you.
You feeling any better?
What gives, amigo?
You almost drowned.
I know that.
Nobody drowns in my backyard.
If I'd have known that,
I'd have gone somewhere else.
How did he get in?
I didn't hear the alarm. I don't know.
I'm going to check
the water for bacteria.
I knew that lifesaving class would come in handy.
I knew it. Look at that.
He's drunk and disgusting. He's a human being.
Where's your sense of charity?
I volunteer three days a
week at the free clinic.
I am shocked at you, Barbara.
There but for the grace of god go you or I.
No, dear, not me. I would never sink so low.
I'd kill myself first.
I have aerobics in 50 minutes.
I have lunch at Neiman-Marcus.
Go. Who's stopping you?
Go right ahead.
- Are you sure you're all right?
- I'm fine.
You are a hero, you know.
I'm just a scaredy-cat. Maybe the police
could take him to the rescue mission.
It's okay. Go to lunch. Thanks.
Why don't you leave him with
me? I'll take care of him.
Okay. All right. Thanks a lot.
See ya.
Shut up.
Shut up, you putz!
You think you can get up?
Yeah. Okay, Carmen, give me a hand.
Matisse, get down,
you rotten... come on.
There we go.
That's it.
So, what's your name?
Esther Williams.
My name's Dave Whiteman.
Jerry M. Baskin.
What does the "M" stand for?
This your place?
Yeah, yeah.
What, are you a gangster?
No, I make hangers.
Here, put this on.
Carmen, give me a hand.
Why don't you take
these wet things off?
I don't like this.
You got a Terry cloth?
That is a brand-new robe.
Brooks brothers.
I used to shop there.
Carmen, take some of these wet
things into the washer, okay? Dave.
Don't throw that stuff out.
Mr. Whiteman!
Carmen, oigame, por favor.
Please, in the washer. Come on.
Help him, uh...
I ay, dios mo!
You want me to help you out?
Okay. All right, then.
Yeah. Whoa, whoa!
Get a grip on there.
Ah!
Carmen?
Give me the robe.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you. Yeah. Carmen?
Carmen, Carmen.
Want somethin' to eat? What you got?
Uh, Turkey. You know, all the stuff
that's left over from Thanksgiving.
Got any white meat?
Caterer really stinks, you know?
Who made this dressing? My mother.
Too much onion.
You could at least say thank you.
For what?
For the food.
Thanks.
For, for, for saving your life.
Are my clothes dry?
Soon.
You can keep the robe.
You might ask me to thank you again.
You're pretty tough, huh?
Can I ask you a question, Jerry?
How did you get...
I don't want to use the word "low," but...
What happened to you? I mean,
you're obviously a very intelligent guy.
I was pretty active politically in the '60s.
Sold some draft cards.
They nailed me for counterfeit
government documents.
They give me 45 years
and a $75,000 fine.
Suspended it; Put me under
the youth correction act.
I was a felon. So fuck it,
I got into acting.
Show business. Huh.
There was this girl
in the class. She split.
She was beautiful.
She was one in a million.
You've seen her. Who?
- Linda Evans.
- TV Linda Evans?
"Dynasty"?
No, it was before "Dynasty."
Can I get some more cranberry sauce?
No, I'll get it.
It was between "The Big Valley" and
"Dynasty." You know, that period.
Anyway, we broke up.
Carmen?
I was in bad shape for about a year.
But that didn't do it, really.
I used to drink a lot.
I did a lot of drugs.
Thank you.
Then my sister, my little
sister, died of leukemia.
We were real close because we
were orphans so young together.
That's what did it.
So I lost, uh, I lost my, uh...
...incentive, so I
didn't care about myself,
so I learned to survive
on the street, you know?
- Sorry.
- Yeah, yeah. I gotta go.
Where you gonna go?
I don't know. quin sabe?
Hey. Hey, hey, Jerry.
You're not gonna pull...
That swimming pool stunt
again, are you?
Mind if I take one of these grapefruit?
Don't want scurvy.
No, no, no.
Go ahead.
Hey, hey. All right,
just a minute.
Look, listen to me.
Listen to me. Look.
You're gonna stay here until you straighten out.
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
You're gonna sleep
right there in that cabana.
Cabana? Yeah.
All right, come on, help out here.
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
Give me a hand. Come on.
Let's go over here.
Right there.
That's it.
There we go.
Hello, darling.
Hi.
Can I give you a hand?
Betty Ford clinic wouldn't take a dog.
Did the pool man come?
No, but the sprinklers are going crazy.
That was a very brave thing you did.
I told all the girls.
So, what happened to the poor guy?
He's in the hot tub.
He's still here? What's
the emergency number? 911?
Barbara, I invited him to
stay for a couple of days.
He is not staying in my house.
He's in the cabana.
I'm calling Sidney.
You need immediate treatment.
You're overreacting to this
a little, don't you think?
You don't know this man.
He's a bum, a derelict.
His sister died of leukemia.
I know something about him.
He could steal everything...
His name is Jerry.
And then murder us in our beds!
Barbara, Matisse loves him.
Look. That should be a clue right there.
Matisse loves no one.
Look for yourself.
Okay, stay. Walk.
Okay, good boy.
Good boy.
He's gonna give that dog fleas.
Isn't that something?
And it'll be your fault.
Come on, look at that. Barbara.
- What do you think?
- - Either bump him off or make him a partner.
Fred c. Dobbs ain't a guy
likes to be taken advantage of.
Do the mug in, I say.
Goin' south, isn't he?
Let him have it!
You got any low-Cal root beer?
Jesus Christ, you scared me!
I can't sleep in that bed.
Why not? Is it too hard?
No, it's too soft.
I'm used to sidewalks.
I'll make you a bagel and
you can take it to your room.
I can't eat it in that room. Why not?
I haven't had a room
to eat in in three years.
You'll like this.
It's one of my specialties. All right.
It's the onions and the tomatoes
that does the trick. Oh.
I haven't had one of these since my Brooklyn days.
Are you from Brooklyn?
Flatbush Ave.
No kidding.
Yeah. Huh.
I grew up around Ebbet's Field.
Yeah? Oh, I loved baseball
back in those days. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. You remember Duke snider?
Oh.
He was my idol.
Roy Campanella.
Yeah.
Carl Erskine. There was a tough cookie.
Tough guy, yeah.
Hey, you remember Ralph Branca? Oh.
The right-handed pitcher?
Remember him? Yeah.
And Bobby Thomson that time?
Pete Reiser? Remember?
He ran into center field?
Tough day.
'57 season, Drysdale won us...
Seventeen games.
Seventeen games.
Seventeen games. Whoa.
Yeah, that was amazing.
After a year, they moved the team.
Yeah.
Whew. I was that big.
I cried.
How about that low-Cal root beer?
Low-Cal.
Right.
You got it.
Hey, Jerry.
Hmm?
You ever think about going straight?
You know, gettin' a job?
I tried it.
I played the game; I lost.
You get tired of playing a losing game.
What are you talking about?
All you need is a little
luck, buddy. Look at me.
I'm serious. Look at me.
I was selling lingerie...
From the back seat
of my father's Oldsmobile.
Look, you gotta be in the
right place at the right time.
You understand? I went
into a bar in New Jersey.
I struck up a
conversation with a guy.
He's putting up a string of motels.
So I borrowed some money
from my Uncle Maurie.
Do you think I knew I was going to be in
the hanger business? The rest is history.
What is this, an all-night diner?
Hi, Barb.
You eating again, Dave?
Well, it's your colon.
And don't drop food on the floor
and make a mess for me to clean.
I thought I heard a rat.
Maybe that's what I heard.
Lot of rats in Beverly Hills.
Rats are everywhere.
Yeah.
Dave, I think I'd like
to talk to Jerry alone.
Sure, Barb.
Well, come, Jerry.
I missed you.
Sit. Anywhere.
Jerry, I'd like to apologize
to you for how I've behaved.
You have to know,
I've objected to your presence here.
Frankly, your appearance scares me.
I...
there's something very
threatening about you.
Um, I realize that this is completely
superficial, and that underneath all that...
You are undoubtedly
a wonderful person...
With wonderful human qualities.
I'm trying so hard to overcome my
middle-class prejudices. You know,
my yogi, my guru, my guide,
Ranbir, always says...
That we are all part
of the same oneness,
the same universal electric tide;
We flow into and out of everything.
So, as a human being, I...
I want you to know that
I respect you. I do.
And I, I hope you understand me.
S, s, Jesus.
No problema.
I just want to be sure your
people know all about the bonuses.
Okay. S, adios.
What? Your first ride
in a Rolls Royce?
You lived in London? Graduate school.
"Congratulations to Mr. Dave
Whiteman, president of Dav-Bar.
"This gold hanger honors your
sale of one million hangers...
To the Holiday Inn." That baby
revolutionized the business.
See, you got a magnetic lock.
We make that baby at my plant in Tijuana.
- Maurice, this is Jerry.
- The gentleman you spoke of?
Indeed. You have the look
of the vagabond, monsieur.
Tres, tres chic. Sit down.
What I was thinking of, Maurice,
was that you ought to just,
you know, clean him up.
500,000 hangers a day.
You know what that means, 500,000 hangers a day?
At four cents a hanger?
And we don't have any salesmen?
Do you know what that means? That's the beauty part.
Hey, Bobby. Good to see ya.
Yeah, this is where Dav-Bar started.
A lot of hangers.
Hey, Raymondo.
Right now,
we're negotiating with the Chinese.
We're going to have a very
big party new year's Eve...
For the minister
of trade, Mr. Chan.
You know what that could mean?
850 million Chinese?
200 million hangers
every year, minimum.
The Chinese are very neat people.
Yeah, you hardly ever see a Chinese bum.
You want a job, Jer?
You give me the word,
I'll give you a job tomorrow.
What do you say?
Start you on the line, get your feet wet in shipping.
Not really my line, Dave.
You kill me, I swear.
We got a good health plan.
Just put in comprehensive dental.
Alesio, alesio. com est?
Show him your teeth.
See? You gotta worry
about things like that, Jer.
Can we grab some lunch? Sure, sure.
When your teeth go...
you know what I'm talking about.
Would you like another bottle
of Beaujolais, Mr. Whiteman?
Uh, what do you say,
Mr., uh, Mr. Baskin?
No. Could use another
piece of chicken, though.
Didn't I see you at the Cannes
film festival? Probably.
You were with Susan Sarandon.
Something to do with Nicaragua.
Are you a Sandinista?
No, no.
Wait, I know. You're
Sandy Kinney's boyfriend.
You're a writer. What's your name?
Jerry baskin.
That's right. Oh, Roxanne...
Philobosian. How do you do?
Dave Whiteman.
Hi.
I'm over at MGM now.
Call me if you get any story ideas.
We're really looking.
Oh...
Here's my card.
Oh, say hello to Sandy for me.
Bye, Dave.
So you're a writer?
Al. Al!
Hey, Al. Al!
Come here.
Yeah, come here.
Come here.
Al... Al, it's me, Jerry.
Jerry! All right!
Can Al join us?
Oh, sure, sure.
He's a human being, just like you and me.
Why don't you...
you sure it's okay?
Yeah, come right on around.
Yamato, could we have another
chair? Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Sit down right here.
Dave Whiteman.
Hey, brother. Al.
Nice to meet you.
Man, you sure look different.
It's the hair and the beard.
I hardly recognized you.
I thought I was hearing voices.
Would you like something to eat?
No, thank you.
Are you expecting any more in your
party, Mr. Whiteman?
No, no, here, yamato.
Here, just take it.
Take it.
Take it.
Would you like some wine?
No, this is one of my non-drinking days.
Al was down at the mission with me.
You remember red Turner?
You know, redhead cat with the glasses.
Oh, yeah.
He got mugged real bad, man.
He down in the county hospital.
Red was pretty old, Al.
They make a very good
club sandwich here...
you're sittin' pretty.
Goddamn. Lookin' good, baby.
Yeah. I got to go.
Uh, you don't mind me saying so, Jer,
some of these guys on the street
seem a little crazy.
Ah, Matisse. What a lovely dog you are.
Such a pretty dog.
And such pretty eyes you have.
What a lovely dog.
I hear you're not eating, Matisse.
Dr. Von Zimmer has some food for you.
Here you are.
Oh, Matisse.
You're very angry, aren't you?
Shh. What? Oh, are you ever angry.
The dog bite the colored guy? Ha!
Matisse hasn't eaten in three days.
We got an anorexic dog.
You've got a disturbed dog.
Something's bothering Matisse.
Matisse is very angry.
The dog is a loser.
What a way to talk about
a beautiful dog like this.
What a way to talk.
He's just disturbed and angry.
Has there been something new in the household?
Some new living arrangement?
- We have a house guest.
- How long are you staying?
He's staying as long as he likes.
If the doggie doesn't like it,
then the doggie can find new arrangements.
Oh, well, the hostility in your
voice, you know, affects animals.
And the dog picks up on it.
What this dog needs
is love and reassurance.
And he needs love and
reassurance from you. Mm-hmm.
He's the one that has the
problem, with you. Uh-huh.
You must caress this dog, and hold
him, hug him, give him some affection.
Pardon me? Dave.
You must go over and caress...
the dog is running the whole house.
Hold this dog.
This dog needs reassurance, love,
attention from you. Okay, okay.
I like you. I mean real affection,
not pseudo, but deep affection.
You're nice. I like you.
Give the dog a hug.
He needs reassurance.
He needs to be held.
He needs to be touched.
Come give him a hug.
Give me a break here!
Well, get with it.
Nice dog.
Nice dog, all right?
You're a very nice dog.
When your guest leaves,
Matisse will be voracious.
He'll be okay.
I wouldn't worry about that.
But he has other problems.
I believe he suffers from nipple anxiety.
Probably came from a nine-dog litter.
Now, about my fee...
listen to this, Matisse.
"If your dog has a fit, he runs around
aimlessly, barking hysterically,
"starry-eyed, foaming at the
mouth, completely beyond control...
"'Til he finally collapses, exhausted,
often defecating and urinating.
"He becomes stiff and starry-eyed,
"clamping his jaws, foaming at the mouth,
staggers and falls on his backside,
"with his legs pumping
convulsively in the air.
The fit is not a disease,
but a sign that something is wrong"? Bullshit.
Matisse! He's just
trying to say hello.
Hello.
Thank you.
- Are you Iranian?
- Yes, but we live here now, in Beverly Hills.
Me too.
My name is Jerry.
I am Amir.
- You want an apple, Amir?
- Oh, thank you, Jerry.
Here, catch.
Matisse! Stop that,
or I'll call Dr. Von Zimmer.
I was listenin' to what that
psychiatrist said about your dog.
Dr. Von Zimmer seems to
think you're the problem.
Could be. Matisse is a picky eater.
I've tried everything,
bought every kind of dog food there is.
Where do you keep it?
In the cupboard by the fridge.
Oh, mighty dog corned beef.
There. You see your dog,
this dog, thinks it's human.
There are no dogs around to teach it,
so it's got no dog friends and no dog
family, nothin' to relate to.
So it thinks human. Wants to eat what you're eating.
Not that stuff you eat.
Taste's important.
You got a bowl?
Yes. Certainly.
Mighty dog's good, but that gourmet pup you
got, that's way, way too salty.
How do you know?
This is nutritious.
It's got all your minerals,
vitamins, all your requirements.
Many a day I wished I had a
plate of puppy chow to munch on.
People treat their dogs
better than humans.
That's one-third mighty dog,
one-third Kal Kan with liver,
and you use puppy chow to
add texture, crunchiness.
He put the bowl on the floor,
put his nose in it and ate it...
Like it was pate from Maxim's of Paris.
Didn't I tell you?
What? He has a kind of wisdom.
Oh, please.
I still don't trust the guy.
Oh, I gave him the burglar alarm code.
Why didn't you give him a credit card?
Carmen told me it would be
easier for her to shop...
If you gave her her own Mastercharge.
Really?
Maybe Jerry and Carmen will
invite us over for dinner.
Does the concept "schmuck"
mean anything to you, Dave?
Good night, Barb.
Yes, I do. I have
spares here.
Somebody cooked my chicken.
- Hey, Jerry, how ya doin'?
- Yeah, got my packet?
Yeah, packet.
Checkin' in for a while? No, no.
Do I have any mail?
Yeah, you got book of the month club.
You look pretty sharp.
Hey, thanks for holding this.
You hear about red Turner? No.
He caught a cab.
Red was pretty old.
- Seventy-nine.
- Yeah. Come on.
Good morning.
Sign down there at the bottom.
You got a license?
Yeah.
You drive.
Where to?
I don't know. Some days,
you just want to take off. Yeah.
All right, let's hit the beach.
I got some friends down there.
The beach? Who's
gonna run my business?
Who's gonna pay my bills?
You gotta be kiddin' me.
You have any idea how much
it costs to run my business?
You got enough money to last ten lifetimes.
Maybe I ought to be a bum.
You know? No more hangers,
no more responsibilities.
You wouldn't last a half-hour.
Think so?
Hit the beach, buddy.
Pronto.
So, it's like the '60s.
Tom Tom! Jerry, damn.
Look at you, man.
You look like a damn yuppie or somethin'.
Good to see you, buddy.
This is my friend Dave.
Hey, you want a drink, white man? There you go.
How'd he know my name? Look here.
This is my buddy, big ed, and peaches.
Big ed? Hi, peaches.
On the guitar is my friend Patrick.
Patrick, how are you?
This is my lady, Dorothy.
Dorothy, how do you do?
I do fine. How do you do? Very good.
Drink up. Man, Jerry. Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Tom Tom, huh?
That your real name?
Hell, no, my real and true
name is Daniel Whitefeather.
Whitefeather.
That's a very beautiful name.
Yeah, beautiful.
My Indian name is Nanatatche.
Nanatatcheta.
Yeah, it means...
He who lost his American express
card and don't give a fuck.
Right! Yeah!
That's very funny.
You like that one, huh?
Yeah.
Drink up, man.
Merry Christmas. Shit.
Aw hell.
One more time!
Hello?
Hello.
Aw, Dave, are you all right? Yeah.
I called the police, your parents.
I called Sidney. I'm okay.
I'm at the beach with Jerry, and
I've decided to spend the night.
Dave, are you drunk?
I'm okay. There's
nothin' to worry about.
I'm at the beach
with Jerry and his friends,
Patrick and Tom Tom
and ed and, and Dorothy.
- Dorothy who?
- I'll see you manana, Barbara.
I knew that bum was trouble.
- Hey, Dave.
- Yeah.
How long you been diddlin' Carmen?
What are you talkin' about?
It's okay by me.
She's a hot little number.
Barb's a handsome woman too.
Hey, you know how long I've been married to Barbara?
No.
Forever.
You ever been married?
Twice.
You know how sometimes you get stuck in
the horse latitudes now and then? Yeah.
Dead calm in the water? Yeah.
You need somethin' to, you know...
you needa little hot somethin'.
Yeah, spice it up a little.
Barbara ought to have a fling too.
I'm serious. It would do her good.
Get her started again, you know?
Yeah.
I love her, you know.
I believe you.
I believe you, Dave.
Tell me something.
Yeah.
You really been married twice? Nah.
I was just kiddin' ya. I knew it.
You really an actor?
"What a piece of work is man.
"How noble in reason,
"how infinite in faculty.
"In form and moving,
how express and admirable.
"In action, how like an angel.
"In apprehension, how like a god.
"The beauty of the world,
the paragon of animals.
"Yet to me,
what is this
quintessence of dust?"
I will never, ever forgive you!
This disgusting derelict is responsible.
Barbara...
I spent the night with some poor,
oppressed human beings. You stink!
They live like animals, but they have great
capacity for joy. I was panic-stricken.
I ate garbage last night,
Barbara, and I loved it.
Great! You can have garbage
for dinner tonight too!
I learned to beg.
A total stranger gave me 50.
Put it right in my hand.
I think I'll take a shower...
And grab some breakfast.
You are pushing me to my limits, both of you.
Shower in the cabana.
You want to hit the beach, amigo?
Walter, that's a difficult
problem, incest.
We'll try to help you.
We'll give you some numbers to refer to.
You get some further help. Let's take one
more call before the hour's up. Hello?
My name is dawn, and I live in Toluca Lake.
I'm 26 years old.
We have dawn from toluca lake.
Hello, dawn.
Dr. Grant,
I'm a nervous wreck.
My husband has brought
a bum home to live with us.
That sounds like a very
uncomfortable situation.
Is this a displaced person?
Yeah, it's a street
person. A vagrant.
And he lives with you?
Yes, he lives in my house,
in the cabana out by the pool.
This is starting to sound like a real
problem, at least for your husband.
Is your husband a happy man, dawn?
Not lately.
It's possible, dawn, that your husband
is living a vicariously freer life...
Through the presence of this
displaced person he's brought home.
Have you thought about that?
Well, let's not talk...
About him right...
for now.
How's your personal relationship
with him, your sex life?
- What sex life?
- Well, I see we need to talk a little more.
Let's take a break for a commercial.
Another headache?
It's chronic.
Where'd you learn that?
At an ashram in Oregon.
- You were in an ashram?
- Yep.
Maybe I can help you
with your headache.
I doubt it.
Maybe.
Hello, Dr. Grant?
Hello?
My name is Bob, I'm 27,
and I'm no longer attracted to my wife.
How long have you felt this way, Bob?
About 9 1/2 years.
Was it ever any good? No, it was great, fabulous.
It was my whole life.
What changed? I don't know.
She started decorating the house.
She's always in a class somewhere.
What...
you stupid son of a bitch!
Hey, Mr. Rolls Royce,
you know what you did to my car?
Are you some kind of moron?
Sir, may I see your driver's license, please?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Who, who, who hit who?
May I see your driver's license?
Uh-huh!
I'm just trying to figure out who I'm mad at.
I, I, I'm not...
I'm going to have to ask you to step
out of the car. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Did I hit you or did you...
Listen...
In the ashram,
we learned some massage techniques.
Specifically Balinese massage.
Now, it's very powerful,
and it's very effective.
I don't think so. I'm a little tense.
A little tense. I'd say you're rigid.
I'm angry at you,
and I'm angry at Dave for going off with you.
Uh-huh, that's understandable,
but you've got to learn to release your anger.
Just let it go.
I had acupressure,
but it didn't work.
Well, of course not.
That's the wrong Karma.
See, headaches are mostly related to
the buildup of tension and anxiety.
Now...
Ow!
Good. Come on,
now lie down, lie down.
No. No, come on now, lie down.
Lie down.
Lie down.
Now listen, you have to learn to
release your anxiety and your tension.
It's very difficult for me to
release my anxiety. I understand.
First, I'm going to use my aura.
I'm afraid. No, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I want you to breathe with me.
Now, you ready? Breathe in.
- Out.
- Oh...
Good.
In. Out.
- Oh, good.
- In. Out.
Good, good, good.
All right, good, good, good.
That's good, good.
All right, all right.
Okay, now...
Okay, give me this leg.
Just give it to me.
That's good.
All right, you ready?
All right. Yeah.
Good, good.
That's your body letting up.
I think I see your aura.
You have nice skin. Thank you.
Oh, god.
I'm so relaxed.
All right, ready?
Something strange is happening to me.
I'm scared. I'm scared.
Oh, that's all right.
That's just your body letting it all go.
Now just let it go.
Let it go.
Just let it go.
Jerry, invade me.
Jangle me.
I need it, please!
Don't stop.
Don't deny me.
Whoo-wee. My lord.
My god!
La 'illah ha, illa Allah!
How long is this gonna take?
I got hit here... oy.
I just take 'em in, sir.
I haven't had an orgasm
like that in 9 1/2 years.
I never thought
I was capable of this.
I'm ashamed
of myself. I am.
Glad and ashamed.
Exhausted...
And exhilarated all at the same time.
Just as I was repelled and
attracted to you at the same time.
Yin/yang. You understand?
It's just one of those things.
Dave lost interest in me,
and I lost interest in sex.
I went shopping for gratification.
But that's like sex without a
climax, you know?
God, I'm so loose.
All the meditation, all the
yoga, never got me to this place.
You know,
I'm well aware of what's going
on between Dave and Carmen.
I thought his confidence needed building,
and I thought she could invigorate him for me.
But all that time, I was denying myself.
What power, what hate,
building up inside of me like a
volcano, and you unleashed it.
You. Oh, Jerry,
I'm so glad to be back
in the real world again.
Poor Dave.
He's a passionate, sweet man.
You found my g-spot,
but this was a one-time trip to the moon.
It happened, and there's
nothing we can do about it.
But no matter how fantastic it was,
we can never repeat this adventure.
I agree.
I think you should go with
something a little more orange.
Mm-mm. There goes
the neighborhood.
Sir, thank you for
speaking to my son Amir.
He doesn't have any friends,
and he's very lonely here in Beverly Hills.
Perhaps you could come over for
a coke and backgammon sometime.
Anytime.
Thank you.
Hi, honey.
Oy, what a day.
Cop car smashed me from behind.
Then the Iranian next door
just gave Jerry $500...
For talking to his son.
Oh, honey, you look so tired.
Can I fix you a drink?
I know that's just an afternoon
shopping at Neiman-Marcus to you,
but to some people,
it's still a lot of money. Let's see now.
Ahem.
Rum...
Tonic water, and a slice of lime, right?
Thank you.
Sorry I yelled. I'm a little tense.
Oh, that's okay, honey.
Guess what?
The man from the city of
Beverly Hills came in today,
and he told me that we have rats.
Great big ones. White ones.
Norwegian rats.
It's an epidemic.
Oh, honey, maybe they're just
looking for some herring.
Barbara?
What?
I thought we weren't
going to drink anymore.
Well, Dave, yeah, it's true.
I am a vegetarian.
But I hear that vodka comes...
From a potato.
Oh, honey.
Oh, I'm so crazy about you.
Let's go upstairs right now...
And make love like
we've never made love before.
Oh, darling, I missed you so much.
Oh! Oh!
...A hundred times.
Right now.
Barbara...
Ooh, you're the best.
Come on. Whoo!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, I love that, Jerry.
Jerry.
Dave.
Yeah. Did you just diddle Carmen?
Yes, Dave, I did.
Why?
She asked me to fix her TV.
The male cable holder
had come off the cable,
so I reinserted it in the female receptacle.
She climbed all over me.
You are such a bastard!
Jerry, bring me a tab, please.
Get her the tab.
Oh, yeah.
- I don't want you diddling my maid again.
- Then take her the tab.
- You take her the tab.
- You take it.
Will you grow up?
Go on up. Good.
Okay, hind leg.
All right, ready?
Great!
All right, Matisse!
Hey, Dave!
Dave!
Matisse just did a half-gainer.
Mexicans are driving me crazy.
There's going to be a strike. No.
Now the Chinese are
getting cold feet.
That could kill us.
Are they coming for new year's?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good boy. Good dog.
That was great last night, honey.
Yeah.
The dog is driving me crazy, Jerry.
Are you sure it isn't me, Dave?
I'm not sure of anything anymore.
Well, I am.
I've worn out my welcome.
I'd just like to see you use your talents.
My talent is survival.
I could still make you a manager
of one of my trailer parks.
Near the ocean, clean air.
What do you say? Hey!
Listen, Dave...
here you go, amigo.
Uh, at those trailer parks,
people are always complaining.
Their septic tank is backed up; Their trailer's
off the blocks and rolling down the hills.
I couldn't deal with that responsibility.
I could put you on the line...
At the hanger factory.
I think it's time for me to go.
Ah, you can stay.
Through the holidays.
You're the boss, Dave.
Hey, Jerry.
Ah, Max. Hi.
Hey, uh, thanks.
For what?
Well, that was quite a moment
for me when you saw me.
You gotta be what you gotta be.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna be. Ah.
Well, you can't hide forever, Max.
It's no big deal.
Well, my father... wait a minute.
What's your father got to do with this?
Your father is tolerant.
Look at me. Look
what he did for me.
I send him tapes.
Besides, if I brought my friends
home, and my parents saw them,
they would probably freak out on me.
No, wrong, Max. Wrong.
Your parents have been around.
I'd try talkin' to 'em.
Talk to them.
That's right.
Just go up and say, "hello,
mom and dad..." no, real.
Real. Yeah, real.
You mean just go up there and talk to them.
That's right.
Okay. Thanks.
Right. I think you can go
with more orange too.
Yeah.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh! This is absolutely the last time
I'll ask for this, Jerry. I swear.
Yeah. Okay.
Uh, Mr. Whiteman.
I got to tell you...
Something is killing the azaleas
and begonias in the backyard.
Killed one hydrangea too.
At first I thought it was
the dog peeing on them,
but the damage is
too big for Matisse.
I don't want you to think it's me and my boy.
Richard, Richard,
we both know who it is.
You know, Dave,
you look like you could use a vacation.
I got a condo in Hawaii,
Napilikai on Maui.
You can use it anytime.
You and your wife,
beautiful beach, golf.
You name it.
Thanks.
Sidney, Pearl! You have to concentrate.
It's all in the mind.
All right, now.
Let's go. Go! Go!
Go! Go, Pearl,
go, Pearl. Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
All right! You did it!
You did it! You did it!
All right, Barbara.
Barbara, over there.
All right, now, come on, Barbara.
I'm gonna wet my pants.
Barbara, it's in your mind.
Now come on.
Okay.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Get Dave. Dave!
Oh, Dave!
Dave! Dave!
What is this?
What did you do?
I don't have to do that.
Barbara, please...
someone is pissing on my hydrangeas!
Go, Matisse!
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Jerry's urged me to try
and communicate with you,
but too often in our relationship,
you have shown only anger.
Jerry says anger will
get you nowhere.
Here are some samples of your anger.
- Get out of here, Max.
- Get out of here, Max!
It's hangers that
clothe and feed you!
- You're giving me a headache.
- Get out of here, Max!
- Max!
- Max! Get away! Get away!
I'm on the phone!
I'm on the phone!
P.S. I love you.
I don't understand.
Why doesn't he show us the nice scenes?
I think he's trying to reach out to
us, to say something to us.
Why doesn't he talk
to Dr. Toni Grant?
Oy, life! Oh, boy!
He likes Jerry more than he likes me.
Oh, nonsense.
True. It's true.
Oh, honey, relax, relax!
You feeling sexy tonight?
No. Oh. It might calm you down.
I have to figure out what to
do about Jerry. Not tonight.
Tonight I'm going to
give you an aura massage.
He's pissing in the garden.
He's ruining all the flowers.
He's cleaning out
all the refrigerators.
Well, he has helped my headaches.
I offered him a job the other day.
He said it was too much trouble.
Too much trouble.
That's it. Ow, ow, ow!
I gotta get him out of here.
At least wait until after the party.
Why are you defending him
all of a sudden? Honey!
You've done a wonderful
thing for this man,
and in the process,
you have taught me a very important lesson.
I think he's diddling Carmen.
That bastard has to go.
Barbara, Barbara, the transplants.
Barbara, Barbara!
Oh! Oh, honey,
I'm sorry.
I got such a migraine.
I thought your boyfriend
was coming home with you.
What a wimp he turned out to be, dad.
A total drug addict.
This is the Jim guy.
Yes.
Tell me about this Jerry.
Mother says he's very gifted.
Ah, he's okay.
So you want to stop at the deli? No.
You used to love that. I used to walk you there...
I was nine years old.
Okay, okay. Jerry r.
Baskin, this is my daughter, Jen.
So you're the one that doesn't eat.
You're a legend in your own
time, Mr. Baskin.
No, no, no, no.
I'm just a bum.
You look more like a millionaire to me.
You should see the way he eats.
Could we have some music, dad?
No, they stole my Blaupunkt.
I apologized about that radio.
I loaned him the car,
and my radio was stolen.
It wasn't my fault.
Then whose fault is it?
I'd like to know!
I think I'll transfer to Vassar, mom.
They have this great
exchange program.
I can go to Italy in my junior year.
I think Europe
would be great for you.
So, um, what's with this Jerry guy?
Oh, he's okay.
Something about him I don't trust.
Well, honey, he...
he has a strange wisdom.
Mom, is it all right if I invite
a couple of friends to our party?
Sure, honey. We could play some music.
I'm forming a band.
You know any Chinese songs?
How many of the Chinese are coming?
Ten. They travel in gangs. Oh.
Well, what are we eating?
Kosher, Chinese, and Mexican.
I invited Orvis and his wife.
That's okay, isn't it?
That's great, honey.
You must have had a lot
to eat on the plane.
I don't remember talking to you.
Looks like you're starving.
Keep your brilliant insights to yourself.
We don't talk about it, Jerry.
Oh, I see.
It's better to get things
out in the open. Right.
Shut up, Max. You know,
you are a troublemaker, mister.
Why don't you just stay out
of family business, okay?
I'm sick and tired of you too, Jer.
I apologized about the radio.
For Christ's sake, look at your daughter.
It's not about the radio!
I'm out of here. No! No! no!
- Dave, this can wait.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- We'll talk about it after the party.
- You're the boss, Dave.
Give me a piece of cake.
Thank you.
There you are,
Matisse. Yes.
Carmen, I can't go on like this.
Get out.
No, this is killing me.
You betrayed me.
She's my wife.
I knew you would say that.
What's the matter?
Don't you like me? That's not the point.
But now I see the big picture.
What big picture?
You are the imperialist.
You see me like the third world.
What?
Oh, struggle is a great teacher.
You see, I am nothing.
I am the worker;
You are the capitalist.
The only way we change this is revolution.
W-wait, no, no.
We were having fun.
Yes, decadent fun.
Where are you getting
all this crap on the walls?
Did you join a communist discussion group?
My father was a communist.
You're a traitor to your class.
Where are you getting this stuff?
Books. Books? What books?
The books that Jerry gave to me.
Jerry.
Jerry.
Jerry.
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
Jerry.
Yeah, Jerry.
Debussy?
Yeah.
You play very well.
I play fair. It's hard to find
pianos in alleys, you know.
Just another one of your
hidden talents, huh?
Yeah.
When I played the concert circuit,
I always opened with Debussy.
I want you to know
that I'm on to you, Jerry.
You're very attractive in a sick way.
You're charming, iconoclastic.
You're a sociopath.
I'm a psych major, so I know
all about people like you.
My parents, on the other hand,
they are kind, compassionate,
totally naive people,
and you are taking advantage of
their kindness and their naivete.
That's disgusting, it's immoral,
and I won't tolerate it, okay?
Do you understand me, Jerry?
You can find a way to leave
quietly and gracefully,
or I'm gonna have to find
another way to deal with you.
The game is over, Jerry,
as of tonight.
Hi. Barbara, it's beautiful.
Great touch, Barbara.
Wait 'til you hear the fireworks.
Barbara, it's Mr. Chan.
Darling, relax. That's the caterer.
I hope he brought enough abalone delight.
Oh, oh, look who's here.
Orvis! Hey, hey!
Thank you so much for coming!
Nice to see you.
My wife, Sondra.
Sondra, pleasure. This is my wife, Barbara.
Dr. and Mrs. Waltzberg.
Hello. How are you?
Would like something to eat?
Please, come with me.
We'll get you a little bite.
Introduce you to some of our friends.
How are you?
Sidney Waxman and his wife, Pearl.
Pleasure to meet you.
These are my in-laws.
Sadie and Mel Whiteman.
This is my decorator, Geraldo. Hello.
Mucho gusto.
My yoga instructor, Baba Ranbir.
Nice meeting you.
My dog psychiatrist,
pleasure to meet you.
Dr. Von Zimmer.
Oh, nice meeting you, doctor.
Is that his wife?
She's a white girl.
They don't have any white meat.
Not white meat, white wife.
Dave, the Chinese.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Excuse me.
I'm terribly sorry.
I should have been here to greet you.
I'm Dave Whiteman. I'm your host.
Welcome to my home, minister Chan.
So good to see you.
Minister dong,
and all the other ministers,
and, and, and managers.
Minister Chan said,
"is it all right
if we hang around?"
Business joke. Get it?
Hangers. Hangers.
Charming.
That's very funny.
This is my wife, Barbara. How do you do?
Most beautiful flower in the garden.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Would the minister care
for some Shanghai plum wine?
Tab, with a slice of lemon, please.
Tab.
Tab.
They all want tab.
I don't have that much tab. Many tabs.
That's very... oh,
here is my daughter, Jenny.
Pleased to meet you, minister Chan.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Happy new year.
Here you are.
Thank you, Santa. Jerry!
Ho, ho, ho, ho! Please tell
minister Chan that this man...
Was eating garbage just
three short weeks ago.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, tabs!
Tabs all around.
Minister. Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, you're so welcome.
Happy new year.
Are you having a happy new year, spider?
We've made a good start, have we not?
Things are so much better.
And next year will even be better.
Okay, everybody,
Orvis goodnight is going to play for us,
and there's going to be dancing in the living
room, so come on, let's go.
Oh.
More power to the people.
Viva la revolucion.
I'm a Marxist.
Radical leftist nonsense.
Don't argue in front of people.
You want to lose weight?
Blow it out your ass.
I don't want to talk about weight.
Having a good time?
Hi, dad. I would like to introduce
you to some of my friends.
This is Jill, and this is Alexis,
and there's Moses, and that's Jordan,
and that's crystal.
This is my band.
Dad, I know that you're shocked,
but don't say anything
until you've thought about it.
Until Jerry encouraged me to face the
truth, I was in torment.
And I realize now I just have to be myself.
I know that you understand.
'Cause I love you, dad.
I got lipstick on you.
Okay, we're gonna set up.
Daddy? Don't worry
about Max, okay?
This androgynous thing that he's
doing is all part of growing up.
Really. Teen-agers are under
a lot of sexual pressure,
and this relieves it, I promise you.
Jenny.
What?
Jenny.
Did I just see you eat something?
I was starving.
You're kidding! That's fabulous!
What happened?
Daddy, I'm in love.
I am madly, passionately in love.
You're kidding.
No. This is great news. Who is it?
Nobody was ever good enough before,
because I kept comparing everybody to you.
Oh, don't be silly.
Really. I was such a bitch.
I mean, a total Princess.
Once I let go of my illusions and my
stupid preconceptions... come on, come on.
Who is it?
Who is it?
Tell me who it is. Jerry.
Jerry. Jerry who? Our Jerry, dad.
It's a miracle.
Did you and he, uh...
it was really a miracle.
Excuse me, one second.
You son of a...
you took my baby!
You took my baby!
I'm gonna kill him!
He took my baby!
Dave! Dave! He took my baby!
I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!
Call 911!
Dave! Dave!
Explain to the minister that in
Beverly Hills on new year's...
It's the custom for people to
jump in to show they're happy.
- Dave! - Oh, David, help!
- Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Oh, trouble
at the O.K. Corral.
I'll kill ya!
I'll, I'll kill ya!
Can't you make them stop?
What happened?
Get that cigar away from me.
What a fucking party.
You bit my neck.
Wise guy.
You tried to kill me.
I was provoked.
You shouldn't have saved me
in the first place.
I lent you a hand, and you bit it.
I gave folks what they wanted.
Really?
Yeah.
Linda Evans?
I never met the lady. Hm.
The sister with leukemia?
I never had a sister.
The ashram?
I drove by it once.
The books?
The political books?
Picked 'em up in a supermarket.
- What about us?
- Aw, Jenny,
c'est la vie.
You took advantage, Jer.
You lied.
What did you want to hear, Dave?
Real heartbreak?
Real sorrow? It's boring.
Here's your pants.
That's my underwear too, buddy.
All right. Yeah, all right.
That's right.
Here's the money the Iranian
guy gave me for his kid...
When I gave him an apple.
Keep it. You gave him the apple.
It was your apple.
Here's your clothes.
And you can keep
your hanger factories,
and you can keep your credit
cards and everything else.
It's called commitment, amigo.
I don't need it.
Yeah, I know, I know. You're free.
You're free to eat garbage.
Yep, and I can piss
anywhere I want to.
You could have pissed right here, Jerry.
Dave, he did.
He pissed all over the joint.
Where you going?
I'm real curious. Who knows?
Stay. I'll make you
a nice cappuccino.
Now go on back, Matisse.
No, Jerry, you take him.
You're the only one he listens to anyway.
- Departure scene, take one.
- I'll never eat again.
Come on, Matisse.
It's our lucky day, amigo.
There's lots of places we can go:
'Frisco, Santa Fe, Ensenada.
Jerry's gonna show you the ropes.
I'll show you the best parks to sleep in,
beaches where the coconuts flop
into the palms of your hands.
We'll make our own schedule.
We don't owe nothin' to nobody.
All right, yeah.
What's wrong, amigo?
You hungry?
Come on, Jerry'll fix us up
some good grub.
Here. There ought to be
good garbage in here.
Ah, look at this. Pate.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
Only the best gourmet chow in town for us.
Here, take a bite.
What's the matter?
This is good stuff.
This is the best garbage in town.
This is primo.
Let's go grab a cup of cappuccino.
Oh, shut up, you putz.
Hi, dad. I just want you to know
why I'm being so silent lately.
It's nothing personal, but I feel it's
very hard to express myself in words.
Here's a tape which expresses
my state of mind right now.
My son, the filmmaker.
I gotta call
the sprinkler man now. Jeez.
Ah, there we are.
Mr. Whiteman, what
a nice new home suit.
Carmen, limpie las...
how do you say "candelabras"?
Candelabras.
Barbara, she speaks English.
I know that but, the next time we go to Mexico,
I intend to be prepared for
any emergencia. Emergencia.
Where's Jenny? Emergencia.
She's asleep.
Vaya Al marcardo...
Mercado.
Family, scene one, take one.
Preparing the feast, my father, Dave Whiteman.
- Get out, Max.
- How do you think Steven Spielberg got started?
- How do you feel this Thanksgiving?
- I'll tell you how I feel.
I feel like my son should
stop acting ridiculous...
On this day when we should
all be giving thanks.
- And guilty.
- Yeah, we should all be feeling a little guilty.
- People are starving in the world.
- Guilt is useless.
Your swami tell you that?
My yogi, Ranbir.
Isn't this a holiday?
It's the caterer with the Turkey.
Arrival of the bird.
Carmen, la porta, por favor.
Why doesn't he use
the servants' entrance?
por qu no USA la Puerta de atrs?
Let's go.
Ah, the sister, the Princess,
back home from Sarah Lawrence.
Morning. I'm going to
the beach. If Stacey calls,
tell her that I left already.
- No breakfast?
- I'll get something down there. Bye, dad.
Bye, Max.
All I do is wave to her.
She's nothing but a blur with a nice smell.
Al, Al, is the bird big enough?
My father loves white meat.
Your bird's bigger than Mel Brooks' bird,
and he's got 15 people coming, Mr. W.
- Is he nice, Mel Brooks?
- Very sweet man.
Get the door. Come on,
get the door. Let's go.
Come on, Kerouac, let Jerry sleep.
Hello.
You look hungry, huh?
Yeah, you want what I've got here?
Yeah, isn't that good?
Hey. Hey,
are you lost?
You don't have a collar on, huh?
Yeah, you wanna come home with me?
My husband's gonna kill me.
Come on. Come on.
Yeah, come on.
That's right.
Let me show you something.
This is our mobile home park.
We're talking about 500 units.
Jenny, you want some more meat?
I ate at the beach, daddy.
What kind of people live
in those trailer parks?
We got nice retired people
like Mel and Sadie...
And people who are sick
and tired of the rat race.
Maybe I should move into one of my parks.
Could you hold the photo up?
Stop it, Max. You can walk on the
fire, on the coals, no question.
Yogi, can you teach
my daughter to eat?
That's a deeply neurotic
statement, dad, really.
Carmen, las Cranberries, por favor.
There's no more white meat.
I told you I love white meat.
The pooch ate the white meat.
Barbara, next year
I'm using another caterer.
Make sure you give me the receipts.
Sidney, I would like to try and walk on hot coals.
Is that a tax deduction, yogi?
Yes. It is?
Then walk on hot coals; I don't care.
How's your family, Carmen?
Not so very good, senora Waltzburg.
My brother, he's trying to
come up here to find a job.
- What does he do?
- He cuts sugar cane in the fields.
Not much call for that
in Los Angeles.
Who asked you?
- Matisse, stop that.
- Neurotic dog scene, take one.
- You're the one that's neurotic.
- We're taking him to a dog psychiatrist.
Father and son scene, take one.
Max, I think it's about time...
That you started learning the hanger
business, stop wasting time with the camera.
- I don't like hangers.
- You don't like hangers?
It's hangers that
clothe and feed you!
It's hangers that pay for the fakakta
camera, for cryin' out loud.
Max, talk to me man to man.
What's troubling you?
What is it?
Perhaps we should all
meditate for a moment.
Kerouac?
Kerouac?
Kerouac!
Did you see a little tan dog?
Kerouac.
Kerouac!
Anybody seen my dog? It's a little tan dog.
I lost my little dog.
No! No. No!
I lost my little tan dog.
Kerouac!
Has somebody got him?
Excuse me.
Who's got my dog?
Excuse me, you're gonna have to leave.
No! I lost my goddamn dog.
You're gonna have to
leave the restaurant.
Security is...
Kerouac!
Well, well, well.
What's the problem, Jerry?
I lost my dog. I'm lookin' for my dog.
He lost his dog.
Yeah, that's right.
I think you ought to stop runnin'
around here harassing people.
My dog was stolen.
I think it was dognapping. I understand.
Why don't you go downtown and take a bath?
Screw you. I'm a citizen.
Just relax now.
I understand. Come on.
I'm a citizen. Okay. Okay.
- I wish you could stay a little longer.
- I'll be back at Christmas.
Maybe Jim will come home with me.
Yeah, I'd like to meet him.
It seems real serious.
It's hard to find someone
as nice as you, dad.
What does he do, this Jim guy?
He's road manager for a rock group.
Hope he's not a drug addict.
He smokes some grass
and does a little cocaine,
but I assure you
he's perfectly normal.
I want you to tell me that you don't do drugs.
Dad, stop this inquisition.
I'm 19 years old. Okay, okay.
I'm your father.
Why does mother keep falling for
all these gurus and charlatans?
It's so '60s.
Hey, hey, hey.
What?
You haven't said anything about the car.
It's nice.
Nice.
It's not too, uh, too Beverly Hills?
Dad, you do not have to justify anything.
You work very, very hard for your money.
Well, I guess I feel, you know,
a little guilty. Guilt sucks.
Yeah. Kiss. Bye.
Maybe they'll give her
a good meal on the plane.
I'm very worried about Jenny. Why?
I think she's an anorexic. Anybody who
doesn't snack all day is anorexic to you.
Couldn't she go to school
in California?
There are very good schools in California.
She just wanted a change.
Who's this Jim guy?
I'm sure he's very nice.
Think they're having sex already?
Dave, don't get yourself upset.
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
It's a new age for women, honey.
Barbara... Barbara.
Do you know more than you're saying?
I hope she is having sex.
It's time.
You've got great shoulders, Barb.
Must be the moon.
Come on, I'm feeling very sexy.
Who cares what the reason is.
I'm very depressed.
Come on.
Come on, my little baby.
It's too much meditating. Oh, no. Honey...
I think it's an allergy.
In fact, I'm convinced of it. So is Ranbir.
Honey, please.
Maybe you're allergic to me.
Dave, you're such a nudge.
Barbara.
You happy?
I'm content.
Sometimes I wonder.
Dave, I'm changing.
That causes stress.
You should take a couple of Tylenol.
I'm not even going to dignify
that with a response.
I'm very worried about Max.
He seems very confused.
I saw him in a tutu tonight.
Dave?
Dave, that was the cherry
on the cake of my day.
Thank you.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Barb.
Dog's supposed to be loyal, goddamn it.
Where the hell's your loyalty?
You're a mutt. You're an ungrateful
mutt of a mongrel, that's what you are.
You son-of-a-bitch.
You wait 'til I get my hands on ya.
Son-of-a...
Kerouac?
Go for it, putz.
Oh, Mr. Whiteman. Oh.
You have to call me Dave.
Oh, Dave.
Oh, I knew you would come tonight.
Oh, Mr. Whiteman.
Shut up, you putz you.
I hate that dog so much.
Oh, trouble at the Whiteman house.
Goddamn alarm. Cops are gonna come.
Oh, I have no green card.
I'll take care of this pronto.
Close encounters of
the fourth kind, take one.
My house! My house!
My house! No problem.
It's okay. No robbery. Don't worry.
It's okay. There's no robbery.
We'll take a look around anyway.
You never know. Fine. No problem.
Sorry, Mr. Whiteman.
Lance, why do these things keep happening?
Could be a change in
humidity, or some animal.
I'm going to need an alarm for the alarm.
Get your hands off them guns!
I'm Orvis Goodnight!
A record producer, you understand?
I live right across the street from this
place, but I don't get...
This kind of service, no, sir.
Two weeks ago, a thief
tried to break in my house.
Called the police.
Good god almighty.
It took 20 minutes for
the policemen to arrive.
One little car.
No dog. No chopper.
I know why I don't get the
protection I'm supposed to get.
Because I'm black. Black!
I'm a black man!
Ain't no black man supposed
to live in Beverly Hills.
Let one black man stop
to tie his shoes...
Or scratch his behind on rodeo drive;
the SWAT team would
parachute down over my brothers.
I spent $3.6 million...
For that pile of stucco
you see over there.
I want the same protection,
the same protection,
that you give old
David Whiteman over there.
And I'm bringin' in mo' brothers.
Mo' brothers!
Whoo-woo!
I'm gonna sue you, Whiteman. Matisse!
Matisse! This dog is a killer dog.
He's gonna kill somebody.
Max, stop it. Come in, please.
All right, thank you very much.
Sorry, Mr. Whiteman. Take care of it as
soon as you can. All right, all right.
Get that helicopter
out of here, please!
Kerouac?
Kerouac?
Bueno, Jesus.
No. No, no.
Muy bueno, Jesus.
I'll come down in a couple of days
so that I can wish all the hombres...
Barbara, how do you say "happy
new year" in Spanish? Feliz ao.
Feliz aos, okay?
Just me and my, uh, esposa...
hold on, hold on.
Barbara, is that the new pool man?
Hey. Hey!
Call 911! Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, Mr. Whiteman!
What's happening?
Oh, my god.
Down here, Dave.
Come here!
I ay, dios mo!
Over here, Dave. I got him.
Come here, come here.
I got him, I got him. Oh, my god.
Hold him! He's got
rocks in his pockets.
Hello?
Operadora. Operadora!
Oh, my god.
I called 911.
[ Shouting ]
What the hell? C.P.R. C.P.R.
Don't, Dave. You'll catch
aids or plague or herpes!
Oh, my god!
He lives.
He lives!
Carmen, get some blankets.
Get some Brandy, quick.
Quick! Quick!
Get him over to the chaise lounge.
Come on, get him over.
There we go.
All right, hold him.
There we go.
The dog killed somebody.
I told you.
Okay, here.
Drink this, drink this.
Ugh. Christ, you got any Courvoisier?
He must be in shock.
How long was he in the water?
Not very long. I gave him c.P.R.
He saved him. Would you check my husband?
He had his lips on this man's lips.
Good work. Thank you.
You feeling any better?
What gives, amigo?
You almost drowned.
I know that.
Nobody drowns in my backyard.
If I'd have known that,
I'd have gone somewhere else.
How did he get in?
I didn't hear the alarm. I don't know.
I'm going to check
the water for bacteria.
I knew that lifesaving class would come in handy.
I knew it. Look at that.
He's drunk and disgusting. He's a human being.
Where's your sense of charity?
I volunteer three days a
week at the free clinic.
I am shocked at you, Barbara.
There but for the grace of god go you or I.
No, dear, not me. I would never sink so low.
I'd kill myself first.
I have aerobics in 50 minutes.
I have lunch at Neiman-Marcus.
Go. Who's stopping you?
Go right ahead.
- Are you sure you're all right?
- I'm fine.
You are a hero, you know.
I'm just a scaredy-cat. Maybe the police
could take him to the rescue mission.
It's okay. Go to lunch. Thanks.
Why don't you leave him with
me? I'll take care of him.
Okay. All right. Thanks a lot.
See ya.
Shut up.
Shut up, you putz!
You think you can get up?
Yeah. Okay, Carmen, give me a hand.
Matisse, get down,
you rotten... come on.
There we go.
That's it.
So, what's your name?
Esther Williams.
My name's Dave Whiteman.
Jerry M. Baskin.
What does the "M" stand for?
This your place?
Yeah, yeah.
What, are you a gangster?
No, I make hangers.
Here, put this on.
Carmen, give me a hand.
Why don't you take
these wet things off?
I don't like this.
You got a Terry cloth?
That is a brand-new robe.
Brooks brothers.
I used to shop there.
Carmen, take some of these wet
things into the washer, okay? Dave.
Don't throw that stuff out.
Mr. Whiteman!
Carmen, oigame, por favor.
Please, in the washer. Come on.
Help him, uh...
I ay, dios mo!
You want me to help you out?
Okay. All right, then.
Yeah. Whoa, whoa!
Get a grip on there.
Ah!
Carmen?
Give me the robe.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you. Yeah. Carmen?
Carmen, Carmen.
Want somethin' to eat? What you got?
Uh, Turkey. You know, all the stuff
that's left over from Thanksgiving.
Got any white meat?
Caterer really stinks, you know?
Who made this dressing? My mother.
Too much onion.
You could at least say thank you.
For what?
For the food.
Thanks.
For, for, for saving your life.
Are my clothes dry?
Soon.
You can keep the robe.
You might ask me to thank you again.
You're pretty tough, huh?
Can I ask you a question, Jerry?
How did you get...
I don't want to use the word "low," but...
What happened to you? I mean,
you're obviously a very intelligent guy.
I was pretty active politically in the '60s.
Sold some draft cards.
They nailed me for counterfeit
government documents.
They give me 45 years
and a $75,000 fine.
Suspended it; Put me under
the youth correction act.
I was a felon. So fuck it,
I got into acting.
Show business. Huh.
There was this girl
in the class. She split.
She was beautiful.
She was one in a million.
You've seen her. Who?
- Linda Evans.
- TV Linda Evans?
"Dynasty"?
No, it was before "Dynasty."
Can I get some more cranberry sauce?
No, I'll get it.
It was between "The Big Valley" and
"Dynasty." You know, that period.
Anyway, we broke up.
Carmen?
I was in bad shape for about a year.
But that didn't do it, really.
I used to drink a lot.
I did a lot of drugs.
Thank you.
Then my sister, my little
sister, died of leukemia.
We were real close because we
were orphans so young together.
That's what did it.
So I lost, uh, I lost my, uh...
...incentive, so I
didn't care about myself,
so I learned to survive
on the street, you know?
- Sorry.
- Yeah, yeah. I gotta go.
Where you gonna go?
I don't know. quin sabe?
Hey. Hey, hey, Jerry.
You're not gonna pull...
That swimming pool stunt
again, are you?
Mind if I take one of these grapefruit?
Don't want scurvy.
No, no, no.
Go ahead.
Hey, hey. All right,
just a minute.
Look, listen to me.
Listen to me. Look.
You're gonna stay here until you straighten out.
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
You're gonna sleep
right there in that cabana.
Cabana? Yeah.
All right, come on, help out here.
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
Give me a hand. Come on.
Let's go over here.
Right there.
That's it.
There we go.
Hello, darling.
Hi.
Can I give you a hand?
Betty Ford clinic wouldn't take a dog.
Did the pool man come?
No, but the sprinklers are going crazy.
That was a very brave thing you did.
I told all the girls.
So, what happened to the poor guy?
He's in the hot tub.
He's still here? What's
the emergency number? 911?
Barbara, I invited him to
stay for a couple of days.
He is not staying in my house.
He's in the cabana.
I'm calling Sidney.
You need immediate treatment.
You're overreacting to this
a little, don't you think?
You don't know this man.
He's a bum, a derelict.
His sister died of leukemia.
I know something about him.
He could steal everything...
His name is Jerry.
And then murder us in our beds!
Barbara, Matisse loves him.
Look. That should be a clue right there.
Matisse loves no one.
Look for yourself.
Okay, stay. Walk.
Okay, good boy.
Good boy.
He's gonna give that dog fleas.
Isn't that something?
And it'll be your fault.
Come on, look at that. Barbara.
- What do you think?
- - Either bump him off or make him a partner.
Fred c. Dobbs ain't a guy
likes to be taken advantage of.
Do the mug in, I say.
Goin' south, isn't he?
Let him have it!
You got any low-Cal root beer?
Jesus Christ, you scared me!
I can't sleep in that bed.
Why not? Is it too hard?
No, it's too soft.
I'm used to sidewalks.
I'll make you a bagel and
you can take it to your room.
I can't eat it in that room. Why not?
I haven't had a room
to eat in in three years.
You'll like this.
It's one of my specialties. All right.
It's the onions and the tomatoes
that does the trick. Oh.
I haven't had one of these since my Brooklyn days.
Are you from Brooklyn?
Flatbush Ave.
No kidding.
Yeah. Huh.
I grew up around Ebbet's Field.
Yeah? Oh, I loved baseball
back in those days. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. You remember Duke snider?
Oh.
He was my idol.
Roy Campanella.
Yeah.
Carl Erskine. There was a tough cookie.
Tough guy, yeah.
Hey, you remember Ralph Branca? Oh.
The right-handed pitcher?
Remember him? Yeah.
And Bobby Thomson that time?
Pete Reiser? Remember?
He ran into center field?
Tough day.
'57 season, Drysdale won us...
Seventeen games.
Seventeen games.
Seventeen games. Whoa.
Yeah, that was amazing.
After a year, they moved the team.
Yeah.
Whew. I was that big.
I cried.
How about that low-Cal root beer?
Low-Cal.
Right.
You got it.
Hey, Jerry.
Hmm?
You ever think about going straight?
You know, gettin' a job?
I tried it.
I played the game; I lost.
You get tired of playing a losing game.
What are you talking about?
All you need is a little
luck, buddy. Look at me.
I'm serious. Look at me.
I was selling lingerie...
From the back seat
of my father's Oldsmobile.
Look, you gotta be in the
right place at the right time.
You understand? I went
into a bar in New Jersey.
I struck up a
conversation with a guy.
He's putting up a string of motels.
So I borrowed some money
from my Uncle Maurie.
Do you think I knew I was going to be in
the hanger business? The rest is history.
What is this, an all-night diner?
Hi, Barb.
You eating again, Dave?
Well, it's your colon.
And don't drop food on the floor
and make a mess for me to clean.
I thought I heard a rat.
Maybe that's what I heard.
Lot of rats in Beverly Hills.
Rats are everywhere.
Yeah.
Dave, I think I'd like
to talk to Jerry alone.
Sure, Barb.
Well, come, Jerry.
I missed you.
Sit. Anywhere.
Jerry, I'd like to apologize
to you for how I've behaved.
You have to know,
I've objected to your presence here.
Frankly, your appearance scares me.
I...
there's something very
threatening about you.
Um, I realize that this is completely
superficial, and that underneath all that...
You are undoubtedly
a wonderful person...
With wonderful human qualities.
I'm trying so hard to overcome my
middle-class prejudices. You know,
my yogi, my guru, my guide,
Ranbir, always says...
That we are all part
of the same oneness,
the same universal electric tide;
We flow into and out of everything.
So, as a human being, I...
I want you to know that
I respect you. I do.
And I, I hope you understand me.
S, s, Jesus.
No problema.
I just want to be sure your
people know all about the bonuses.
Okay. S, adios.
What? Your first ride
in a Rolls Royce?
You lived in London? Graduate school.
"Congratulations to Mr. Dave
Whiteman, president of Dav-Bar.
"This gold hanger honors your
sale of one million hangers...
To the Holiday Inn." That baby
revolutionized the business.
See, you got a magnetic lock.
We make that baby at my plant in Tijuana.
- Maurice, this is Jerry.
- The gentleman you spoke of?
Indeed. You have the look
of the vagabond, monsieur.
Tres, tres chic. Sit down.
What I was thinking of, Maurice,
was that you ought to just,
you know, clean him up.
500,000 hangers a day.
You know what that means, 500,000 hangers a day?
At four cents a hanger?
And we don't have any salesmen?
Do you know what that means? That's the beauty part.
Hey, Bobby. Good to see ya.
Yeah, this is where Dav-Bar started.
A lot of hangers.
Hey, Raymondo.
Right now,
we're negotiating with the Chinese.
We're going to have a very
big party new year's Eve...
For the minister
of trade, Mr. Chan.
You know what that could mean?
850 million Chinese?
200 million hangers
every year, minimum.
The Chinese are very neat people.
Yeah, you hardly ever see a Chinese bum.
You want a job, Jer?
You give me the word,
I'll give you a job tomorrow.
What do you say?
Start you on the line, get your feet wet in shipping.
Not really my line, Dave.
You kill me, I swear.
We got a good health plan.
Just put in comprehensive dental.
Alesio, alesio. com est?
Show him your teeth.
See? You gotta worry
about things like that, Jer.
Can we grab some lunch? Sure, sure.
When your teeth go...
you know what I'm talking about.
Would you like another bottle
of Beaujolais, Mr. Whiteman?
Uh, what do you say,
Mr., uh, Mr. Baskin?
No. Could use another
piece of chicken, though.
Didn't I see you at the Cannes
film festival? Probably.
You were with Susan Sarandon.
Something to do with Nicaragua.
Are you a Sandinista?
No, no.
Wait, I know. You're
Sandy Kinney's boyfriend.
You're a writer. What's your name?
Jerry baskin.
That's right. Oh, Roxanne...
Philobosian. How do you do?
Dave Whiteman.
Hi.
I'm over at MGM now.
Call me if you get any story ideas.
We're really looking.
Oh...
Here's my card.
Oh, say hello to Sandy for me.
Bye, Dave.
So you're a writer?
Al. Al!
Hey, Al. Al!
Come here.
Yeah, come here.
Come here.
Al... Al, it's me, Jerry.
Jerry! All right!
Can Al join us?
Oh, sure, sure.
He's a human being, just like you and me.
Why don't you...
you sure it's okay?
Yeah, come right on around.
Yamato, could we have another
chair? Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Sit down right here.
Dave Whiteman.
Hey, brother. Al.
Nice to meet you.
Man, you sure look different.
It's the hair and the beard.
I hardly recognized you.
I thought I was hearing voices.
Would you like something to eat?
No, thank you.
Are you expecting any more in your
party, Mr. Whiteman?
No, no, here, yamato.
Here, just take it.
Take it.
Take it.
Would you like some wine?
No, this is one of my non-drinking days.
Al was down at the mission with me.
You remember red Turner?
You know, redhead cat with the glasses.
Oh, yeah.
He got mugged real bad, man.
He down in the county hospital.
Red was pretty old, Al.
They make a very good
club sandwich here...
you're sittin' pretty.
Goddamn. Lookin' good, baby.
Yeah. I got to go.
Uh, you don't mind me saying so, Jer,
some of these guys on the street
seem a little crazy.
Ah, Matisse. What a lovely dog you are.
Such a pretty dog.
And such pretty eyes you have.
What a lovely dog.
I hear you're not eating, Matisse.
Dr. Von Zimmer has some food for you.
Here you are.
Oh, Matisse.
You're very angry, aren't you?
Shh. What? Oh, are you ever angry.
The dog bite the colored guy? Ha!
Matisse hasn't eaten in three days.
We got an anorexic dog.
You've got a disturbed dog.
Something's bothering Matisse.
Matisse is very angry.
The dog is a loser.
What a way to talk about
a beautiful dog like this.
What a way to talk.
He's just disturbed and angry.
Has there been something new in the household?
Some new living arrangement?
- We have a house guest.
- How long are you staying?
He's staying as long as he likes.
If the doggie doesn't like it,
then the doggie can find new arrangements.
Oh, well, the hostility in your
voice, you know, affects animals.
And the dog picks up on it.
What this dog needs
is love and reassurance.
And he needs love and
reassurance from you. Mm-hmm.
He's the one that has the
problem, with you. Uh-huh.
You must caress this dog, and hold
him, hug him, give him some affection.
Pardon me? Dave.
You must go over and caress...
the dog is running the whole house.
Hold this dog.
This dog needs reassurance, love,
attention from you. Okay, okay.
I like you. I mean real affection,
not pseudo, but deep affection.
You're nice. I like you.
Give the dog a hug.
He needs reassurance.
He needs to be held.
He needs to be touched.
Come give him a hug.
Give me a break here!
Well, get with it.
Nice dog.
Nice dog, all right?
You're a very nice dog.
When your guest leaves,
Matisse will be voracious.
He'll be okay.
I wouldn't worry about that.
But he has other problems.
I believe he suffers from nipple anxiety.
Probably came from a nine-dog litter.
Now, about my fee...
listen to this, Matisse.
"If your dog has a fit, he runs around
aimlessly, barking hysterically,
"starry-eyed, foaming at the
mouth, completely beyond control...
"'Til he finally collapses, exhausted,
often defecating and urinating.
"He becomes stiff and starry-eyed,
"clamping his jaws, foaming at the mouth,
staggers and falls on his backside,
"with his legs pumping
convulsively in the air.
The fit is not a disease,
but a sign that something is wrong"? Bullshit.
Matisse! He's just
trying to say hello.
Hello.
Thank you.
- Are you Iranian?
- Yes, but we live here now, in Beverly Hills.
Me too.
My name is Jerry.
I am Amir.
- You want an apple, Amir?
- Oh, thank you, Jerry.
Here, catch.
Matisse! Stop that,
or I'll call Dr. Von Zimmer.
I was listenin' to what that
psychiatrist said about your dog.
Dr. Von Zimmer seems to
think you're the problem.
Could be. Matisse is a picky eater.
I've tried everything,
bought every kind of dog food there is.
Where do you keep it?
In the cupboard by the fridge.
Oh, mighty dog corned beef.
There. You see your dog,
this dog, thinks it's human.
There are no dogs around to teach it,
so it's got no dog friends and no dog
family, nothin' to relate to.
So it thinks human. Wants to eat what you're eating.
Not that stuff you eat.
Taste's important.
You got a bowl?
Yes. Certainly.
Mighty dog's good, but that gourmet pup you
got, that's way, way too salty.
How do you know?
This is nutritious.
It's got all your minerals,
vitamins, all your requirements.
Many a day I wished I had a
plate of puppy chow to munch on.
People treat their dogs
better than humans.
That's one-third mighty dog,
one-third Kal Kan with liver,
and you use puppy chow to
add texture, crunchiness.
He put the bowl on the floor,
put his nose in it and ate it...
Like it was pate from Maxim's of Paris.
Didn't I tell you?
What? He has a kind of wisdom.
Oh, please.
I still don't trust the guy.
Oh, I gave him the burglar alarm code.
Why didn't you give him a credit card?
Carmen told me it would be
easier for her to shop...
If you gave her her own Mastercharge.
Really?
Maybe Jerry and Carmen will
invite us over for dinner.
Does the concept "schmuck"
mean anything to you, Dave?
Good night, Barb.
Yes, I do. I have
spares here.
Somebody cooked my chicken.
- Hey, Jerry, how ya doin'?
- Yeah, got my packet?
Yeah, packet.
Checkin' in for a while? No, no.
Do I have any mail?
Yeah, you got book of the month club.
You look pretty sharp.
Hey, thanks for holding this.
You hear about red Turner? No.
He caught a cab.
Red was pretty old.
- Seventy-nine.
- Yeah. Come on.
Good morning.
Sign down there at the bottom.
You got a license?
Yeah.
You drive.
Where to?
I don't know. Some days,
you just want to take off. Yeah.
All right, let's hit the beach.
I got some friends down there.
The beach? Who's
gonna run my business?
Who's gonna pay my bills?
You gotta be kiddin' me.
You have any idea how much
it costs to run my business?
You got enough money to last ten lifetimes.
Maybe I ought to be a bum.
You know? No more hangers,
no more responsibilities.
You wouldn't last a half-hour.
Think so?
Hit the beach, buddy.
Pronto.
So, it's like the '60s.
Tom Tom! Jerry, damn.
Look at you, man.
You look like a damn yuppie or somethin'.
Good to see you, buddy.
This is my friend Dave.
Hey, you want a drink, white man? There you go.
How'd he know my name? Look here.
This is my buddy, big ed, and peaches.
Big ed? Hi, peaches.
On the guitar is my friend Patrick.
Patrick, how are you?
This is my lady, Dorothy.
Dorothy, how do you do?
I do fine. How do you do? Very good.
Drink up. Man, Jerry. Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Tom Tom, huh?
That your real name?
Hell, no, my real and true
name is Daniel Whitefeather.
Whitefeather.
That's a very beautiful name.
Yeah, beautiful.
My Indian name is Nanatatche.
Nanatatcheta.
Yeah, it means...
He who lost his American express
card and don't give a fuck.
Right! Yeah!
That's very funny.
You like that one, huh?
Yeah.
Drink up, man.
Merry Christmas. Shit.
Aw hell.
One more time!
Hello?
Hello.
Aw, Dave, are you all right? Yeah.
I called the police, your parents.
I called Sidney. I'm okay.
I'm at the beach with Jerry, and
I've decided to spend the night.
Dave, are you drunk?
I'm okay. There's
nothin' to worry about.
I'm at the beach
with Jerry and his friends,
Patrick and Tom Tom
and ed and, and Dorothy.
- Dorothy who?
- I'll see you manana, Barbara.
I knew that bum was trouble.
- Hey, Dave.
- Yeah.
How long you been diddlin' Carmen?
What are you talkin' about?
It's okay by me.
She's a hot little number.
Barb's a handsome woman too.
Hey, you know how long I've been married to Barbara?
No.
Forever.
You ever been married?
Twice.
You know how sometimes you get stuck in
the horse latitudes now and then? Yeah.
Dead calm in the water? Yeah.
You need somethin' to, you know...
you needa little hot somethin'.
Yeah, spice it up a little.
Barbara ought to have a fling too.
I'm serious. It would do her good.
Get her started again, you know?
Yeah.
I love her, you know.
I believe you.
I believe you, Dave.
Tell me something.
Yeah.
You really been married twice? Nah.
I was just kiddin' ya. I knew it.
You really an actor?
"What a piece of work is man.
"How noble in reason,
"how infinite in faculty.
"In form and moving,
how express and admirable.
"In action, how like an angel.
"In apprehension, how like a god.
"The beauty of the world,
the paragon of animals.
"Yet to me,
what is this
quintessence of dust?"
I will never, ever forgive you!
This disgusting derelict is responsible.
Barbara...
I spent the night with some poor,
oppressed human beings. You stink!
They live like animals, but they have great
capacity for joy. I was panic-stricken.
I ate garbage last night,
Barbara, and I loved it.
Great! You can have garbage
for dinner tonight too!
I learned to beg.
A total stranger gave me 50.
Put it right in my hand.
I think I'll take a shower...
And grab some breakfast.
You are pushing me to my limits, both of you.
Shower in the cabana.
You want to hit the beach, amigo?
Walter, that's a difficult
problem, incest.
We'll try to help you.
We'll give you some numbers to refer to.
You get some further help. Let's take one
more call before the hour's up. Hello?
My name is dawn, and I live in Toluca Lake.
I'm 26 years old.
We have dawn from toluca lake.
Hello, dawn.
Dr. Grant,
I'm a nervous wreck.
My husband has brought
a bum home to live with us.
That sounds like a very
uncomfortable situation.
Is this a displaced person?
Yeah, it's a street
person. A vagrant.
And he lives with you?
Yes, he lives in my house,
in the cabana out by the pool.
This is starting to sound like a real
problem, at least for your husband.
Is your husband a happy man, dawn?
Not lately.
It's possible, dawn, that your husband
is living a vicariously freer life...
Through the presence of this
displaced person he's brought home.
Have you thought about that?
Well, let's not talk...
About him right...
for now.
How's your personal relationship
with him, your sex life?
- What sex life?
- Well, I see we need to talk a little more.
Let's take a break for a commercial.
Another headache?
It's chronic.
Where'd you learn that?
At an ashram in Oregon.
- You were in an ashram?
- Yep.
Maybe I can help you
with your headache.
I doubt it.
Maybe.
Hello, Dr. Grant?
Hello?
My name is Bob, I'm 27,
and I'm no longer attracted to my wife.
How long have you felt this way, Bob?
About 9 1/2 years.
Was it ever any good? No, it was great, fabulous.
It was my whole life.
What changed? I don't know.
She started decorating the house.
She's always in a class somewhere.
What...
you stupid son of a bitch!
Hey, Mr. Rolls Royce,
you know what you did to my car?
Are you some kind of moron?
Sir, may I see your driver's license, please?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Who, who, who hit who?
May I see your driver's license?
Uh-huh!
I'm just trying to figure out who I'm mad at.
I, I, I'm not...
I'm going to have to ask you to step
out of the car. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Did I hit you or did you...
Listen...
In the ashram,
we learned some massage techniques.
Specifically Balinese massage.
Now, it's very powerful,
and it's very effective.
I don't think so. I'm a little tense.
A little tense. I'd say you're rigid.
I'm angry at you,
and I'm angry at Dave for going off with you.
Uh-huh, that's understandable,
but you've got to learn to release your anger.
Just let it go.
I had acupressure,
but it didn't work.
Well, of course not.
That's the wrong Karma.
See, headaches are mostly related to
the buildup of tension and anxiety.
Now...
Ow!
Good. Come on,
now lie down, lie down.
No. No, come on now, lie down.
Lie down.
Lie down.
Now listen, you have to learn to
release your anxiety and your tension.
It's very difficult for me to
release my anxiety. I understand.
First, I'm going to use my aura.
I'm afraid. No, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I want you to breathe with me.
Now, you ready? Breathe in.
- Out.
- Oh...
Good.
In. Out.
- Oh, good.
- In. Out.
Good, good, good.
All right, good, good, good.
That's good, good.
All right, all right.
Okay, now...
Okay, give me this leg.
Just give it to me.
That's good.
All right, you ready?
All right. Yeah.
Good, good.
That's your body letting up.
I think I see your aura.
You have nice skin. Thank you.
Oh, god.
I'm so relaxed.
All right, ready?
Something strange is happening to me.
I'm scared. I'm scared.
Oh, that's all right.
That's just your body letting it all go.
Now just let it go.
Let it go.
Just let it go.
Jerry, invade me.
Jangle me.
I need it, please!
Don't stop.
Don't deny me.
Whoo-wee. My lord.
My god!
La 'illah ha, illa Allah!
How long is this gonna take?
I got hit here... oy.
I just take 'em in, sir.
I haven't had an orgasm
like that in 9 1/2 years.
I never thought
I was capable of this.
I'm ashamed
of myself. I am.
Glad and ashamed.
Exhausted...
And exhilarated all at the same time.
Just as I was repelled and
attracted to you at the same time.
Yin/yang. You understand?
It's just one of those things.
Dave lost interest in me,
and I lost interest in sex.
I went shopping for gratification.
But that's like sex without a
climax, you know?
God, I'm so loose.
All the meditation, all the
yoga, never got me to this place.
You know,
I'm well aware of what's going
on between Dave and Carmen.
I thought his confidence needed building,
and I thought she could invigorate him for me.
But all that time, I was denying myself.
What power, what hate,
building up inside of me like a
volcano, and you unleashed it.
You. Oh, Jerry,
I'm so glad to be back
in the real world again.
Poor Dave.
He's a passionate, sweet man.
You found my g-spot,
but this was a one-time trip to the moon.
It happened, and there's
nothing we can do about it.
But no matter how fantastic it was,
we can never repeat this adventure.
I agree.
I think you should go with
something a little more orange.
Mm-mm. There goes
the neighborhood.
Sir, thank you for
speaking to my son Amir.
He doesn't have any friends,
and he's very lonely here in Beverly Hills.
Perhaps you could come over for
a coke and backgammon sometime.
Anytime.
Thank you.
Hi, honey.
Oy, what a day.
Cop car smashed me from behind.
Then the Iranian next door
just gave Jerry $500...
For talking to his son.
Oh, honey, you look so tired.
Can I fix you a drink?
I know that's just an afternoon
shopping at Neiman-Marcus to you,
but to some people,
it's still a lot of money. Let's see now.
Ahem.
Rum...
Tonic water, and a slice of lime, right?
Thank you.
Sorry I yelled. I'm a little tense.
Oh, that's okay, honey.
Guess what?
The man from the city of
Beverly Hills came in today,
and he told me that we have rats.
Great big ones. White ones.
Norwegian rats.
It's an epidemic.
Oh, honey, maybe they're just
looking for some herring.
Barbara?
What?
I thought we weren't
going to drink anymore.
Well, Dave, yeah, it's true.
I am a vegetarian.
But I hear that vodka comes...
From a potato.
Oh, honey.
Oh, I'm so crazy about you.
Let's go upstairs right now...
And make love like
we've never made love before.
Oh, darling, I missed you so much.
Oh! Oh!
...A hundred times.
Right now.
Barbara...
Ooh, you're the best.
Come on. Whoo!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, I love that, Jerry.
Jerry.
Dave.
Yeah. Did you just diddle Carmen?
Yes, Dave, I did.
Why?
She asked me to fix her TV.
The male cable holder
had come off the cable,
so I reinserted it in the female receptacle.
She climbed all over me.
You are such a bastard!
Jerry, bring me a tab, please.
Get her the tab.
Oh, yeah.
- I don't want you diddling my maid again.
- Then take her the tab.
- You take her the tab.
- You take it.
Will you grow up?
Go on up. Good.
Okay, hind leg.
All right, ready?
Great!
All right, Matisse!
Hey, Dave!
Dave!
Matisse just did a half-gainer.
Mexicans are driving me crazy.
There's going to be a strike. No.
Now the Chinese are
getting cold feet.
That could kill us.
Are they coming for new year's?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good boy. Good dog.
That was great last night, honey.
Yeah.
The dog is driving me crazy, Jerry.
Are you sure it isn't me, Dave?
I'm not sure of anything anymore.
Well, I am.
I've worn out my welcome.
I'd just like to see you use your talents.
My talent is survival.
I could still make you a manager
of one of my trailer parks.
Near the ocean, clean air.
What do you say? Hey!
Listen, Dave...
here you go, amigo.
Uh, at those trailer parks,
people are always complaining.
Their septic tank is backed up; Their trailer's
off the blocks and rolling down the hills.
I couldn't deal with that responsibility.
I could put you on the line...
At the hanger factory.
I think it's time for me to go.
Ah, you can stay.
Through the holidays.
You're the boss, Dave.
Hey, Jerry.
Ah, Max. Hi.
Hey, uh, thanks.
For what?
Well, that was quite a moment
for me when you saw me.
You gotta be what you gotta be.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna be. Ah.
Well, you can't hide forever, Max.
It's no big deal.
Well, my father... wait a minute.
What's your father got to do with this?
Your father is tolerant.
Look at me. Look
what he did for me.
I send him tapes.
Besides, if I brought my friends
home, and my parents saw them,
they would probably freak out on me.
No, wrong, Max. Wrong.
Your parents have been around.
I'd try talkin' to 'em.
Talk to them.
That's right.
Just go up and say, "hello,
mom and dad..." no, real.
Real. Yeah, real.
You mean just go up there and talk to them.
That's right.
Okay. Thanks.
Right. I think you can go
with more orange too.
Yeah.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh! This is absolutely the last time
I'll ask for this, Jerry. I swear.
Yeah. Okay.
Uh, Mr. Whiteman.
I got to tell you...
Something is killing the azaleas
and begonias in the backyard.
Killed one hydrangea too.
At first I thought it was
the dog peeing on them,
but the damage is
too big for Matisse.
I don't want you to think it's me and my boy.
Richard, Richard,
we both know who it is.
You know, Dave,
you look like you could use a vacation.
I got a condo in Hawaii,
Napilikai on Maui.
You can use it anytime.
You and your wife,
beautiful beach, golf.
You name it.
Thanks.
Sidney, Pearl! You have to concentrate.
It's all in the mind.
All right, now.
Let's go. Go! Go!
Go! Go, Pearl,
go, Pearl. Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
All right! You did it!
You did it! You did it!
All right, Barbara.
Barbara, over there.
All right, now, come on, Barbara.
I'm gonna wet my pants.
Barbara, it's in your mind.
Now come on.
Okay.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Get Dave. Dave!
Oh, Dave!
Dave! Dave!
What is this?
What did you do?
I don't have to do that.
Barbara, please...
someone is pissing on my hydrangeas!
Go, Matisse!
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Jerry's urged me to try
and communicate with you,
but too often in our relationship,
you have shown only anger.
Jerry says anger will
get you nowhere.
Here are some samples of your anger.
- Get out of here, Max.
- Get out of here, Max!
It's hangers that
clothe and feed you!
- You're giving me a headache.
- Get out of here, Max!
- Max!
- Max! Get away! Get away!
I'm on the phone!
I'm on the phone!
P.S. I love you.
I don't understand.
Why doesn't he show us the nice scenes?
I think he's trying to reach out to
us, to say something to us.
Why doesn't he talk
to Dr. Toni Grant?
Oy, life! Oh, boy!
He likes Jerry more than he likes me.
Oh, nonsense.
True. It's true.
Oh, honey, relax, relax!
You feeling sexy tonight?
No. Oh. It might calm you down.
I have to figure out what to
do about Jerry. Not tonight.
Tonight I'm going to
give you an aura massage.
He's pissing in the garden.
He's ruining all the flowers.
He's cleaning out
all the refrigerators.
Well, he has helped my headaches.
I offered him a job the other day.
He said it was too much trouble.
Too much trouble.
That's it. Ow, ow, ow!
I gotta get him out of here.
At least wait until after the party.
Why are you defending him
all of a sudden? Honey!
You've done a wonderful
thing for this man,
and in the process,
you have taught me a very important lesson.
I think he's diddling Carmen.
That bastard has to go.
Barbara, Barbara, the transplants.
Barbara, Barbara!
Oh! Oh, honey,
I'm sorry.
I got such a migraine.
I thought your boyfriend
was coming home with you.
What a wimp he turned out to be, dad.
A total drug addict.
This is the Jim guy.
Yes.
Tell me about this Jerry.
Mother says he's very gifted.
Ah, he's okay.
So you want to stop at the deli? No.
You used to love that. I used to walk you there...
I was nine years old.
Okay, okay. Jerry r.
Baskin, this is my daughter, Jen.
So you're the one that doesn't eat.
You're a legend in your own
time, Mr. Baskin.
No, no, no, no.
I'm just a bum.
You look more like a millionaire to me.
You should see the way he eats.
Could we have some music, dad?
No, they stole my Blaupunkt.
I apologized about that radio.
I loaned him the car,
and my radio was stolen.
It wasn't my fault.
Then whose fault is it?
I'd like to know!
I think I'll transfer to Vassar, mom.
They have this great
exchange program.
I can go to Italy in my junior year.
I think Europe
would be great for you.
So, um, what's with this Jerry guy?
Oh, he's okay.
Something about him I don't trust.
Well, honey, he...
he has a strange wisdom.
Mom, is it all right if I invite
a couple of friends to our party?
Sure, honey. We could play some music.
I'm forming a band.
You know any Chinese songs?
How many of the Chinese are coming?
Ten. They travel in gangs. Oh.
Well, what are we eating?
Kosher, Chinese, and Mexican.
I invited Orvis and his wife.
That's okay, isn't it?
That's great, honey.
You must have had a lot
to eat on the plane.
I don't remember talking to you.
Looks like you're starving.
Keep your brilliant insights to yourself.
We don't talk about it, Jerry.
Oh, I see.
It's better to get things
out in the open. Right.
Shut up, Max. You know,
you are a troublemaker, mister.
Why don't you just stay out
of family business, okay?
I'm sick and tired of you too, Jer.
I apologized about the radio.
For Christ's sake, look at your daughter.
It's not about the radio!
I'm out of here. No! No! no!
- Dave, this can wait.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- We'll talk about it after the party.
- You're the boss, Dave.
Give me a piece of cake.
Thank you.
There you are,
Matisse. Yes.
Carmen, I can't go on like this.
Get out.
No, this is killing me.
You betrayed me.
She's my wife.
I knew you would say that.
What's the matter?
Don't you like me? That's not the point.
But now I see the big picture.
What big picture?
You are the imperialist.
You see me like the third world.
What?
Oh, struggle is a great teacher.
You see, I am nothing.
I am the worker;
You are the capitalist.
The only way we change this is revolution.
W-wait, no, no.
We were having fun.
Yes, decadent fun.
Where are you getting
all this crap on the walls?
Did you join a communist discussion group?
My father was a communist.
You're a traitor to your class.
Where are you getting this stuff?
Books. Books? What books?
The books that Jerry gave to me.
Jerry.
Jerry.
Jerry.
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
Jerry.
Yeah, Jerry.
Debussy?
Yeah.
You play very well.
I play fair. It's hard to find
pianos in alleys, you know.
Just another one of your
hidden talents, huh?
Yeah.
When I played the concert circuit,
I always opened with Debussy.
I want you to know
that I'm on to you, Jerry.
You're very attractive in a sick way.
You're charming, iconoclastic.
You're a sociopath.
I'm a psych major, so I know
all about people like you.
My parents, on the other hand,
they are kind, compassionate,
totally naive people,
and you are taking advantage of
their kindness and their naivete.
That's disgusting, it's immoral,
and I won't tolerate it, okay?
Do you understand me, Jerry?
You can find a way to leave
quietly and gracefully,
or I'm gonna have to find
another way to deal with you.
The game is over, Jerry,
as of tonight.
Hi. Barbara, it's beautiful.
Great touch, Barbara.
Wait 'til you hear the fireworks.
Barbara, it's Mr. Chan.
Darling, relax. That's the caterer.
I hope he brought enough abalone delight.
Oh, oh, look who's here.
Orvis! Hey, hey!
Thank you so much for coming!
Nice to see you.
My wife, Sondra.
Sondra, pleasure. This is my wife, Barbara.
Dr. and Mrs. Waltzberg.
Hello. How are you?
Would like something to eat?
Please, come with me.
We'll get you a little bite.
Introduce you to some of our friends.
How are you?
Sidney Waxman and his wife, Pearl.
Pleasure to meet you.
These are my in-laws.
Sadie and Mel Whiteman.
This is my decorator, Geraldo. Hello.
Mucho gusto.
My yoga instructor, Baba Ranbir.
Nice meeting you.
My dog psychiatrist,
pleasure to meet you.
Dr. Von Zimmer.
Oh, nice meeting you, doctor.
Is that his wife?
She's a white girl.
They don't have any white meat.
Not white meat, white wife.
Dave, the Chinese.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Excuse me.
I'm terribly sorry.
I should have been here to greet you.
I'm Dave Whiteman. I'm your host.
Welcome to my home, minister Chan.
So good to see you.
Minister dong,
and all the other ministers,
and, and, and managers.
Minister Chan said,
"is it all right
if we hang around?"
Business joke. Get it?
Hangers. Hangers.
Charming.
That's very funny.
This is my wife, Barbara. How do you do?
Most beautiful flower in the garden.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Would the minister care
for some Shanghai plum wine?
Tab, with a slice of lemon, please.
Tab.
Tab.
They all want tab.
I don't have that much tab. Many tabs.
That's very... oh,
here is my daughter, Jenny.
Pleased to meet you, minister Chan.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Happy new year.
Here you are.
Thank you, Santa. Jerry!
Ho, ho, ho, ho! Please tell
minister Chan that this man...
Was eating garbage just
three short weeks ago.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, tabs!
Tabs all around.
Minister. Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, you're so welcome.
Happy new year.
Are you having a happy new year, spider?
We've made a good start, have we not?
Things are so much better.
And next year will even be better.
Okay, everybody,
Orvis goodnight is going to play for us,
and there's going to be dancing in the living
room, so come on, let's go.
Oh.
More power to the people.
Viva la revolucion.
I'm a Marxist.
Radical leftist nonsense.
Don't argue in front of people.
You want to lose weight?
Blow it out your ass.
I don't want to talk about weight.
Having a good time?
Hi, dad. I would like to introduce
you to some of my friends.
This is Jill, and this is Alexis,
and there's Moses, and that's Jordan,
and that's crystal.
This is my band.
Dad, I know that you're shocked,
but don't say anything
until you've thought about it.
Until Jerry encouraged me to face the
truth, I was in torment.
And I realize now I just have to be myself.
I know that you understand.
'Cause I love you, dad.
I got lipstick on you.
Okay, we're gonna set up.
Daddy? Don't worry
about Max, okay?
This androgynous thing that he's
doing is all part of growing up.
Really. Teen-agers are under
a lot of sexual pressure,
and this relieves it, I promise you.
Jenny.
What?
Jenny.
Did I just see you eat something?
I was starving.
You're kidding! That's fabulous!
What happened?
Daddy, I'm in love.
I am madly, passionately in love.
You're kidding.
No. This is great news. Who is it?
Nobody was ever good enough before,
because I kept comparing everybody to you.
Oh, don't be silly.
Really. I was such a bitch.
I mean, a total Princess.
Once I let go of my illusions and my
stupid preconceptions... come on, come on.
Who is it?
Who is it?
Tell me who it is. Jerry.
Jerry. Jerry who? Our Jerry, dad.
It's a miracle.
Did you and he, uh...
it was really a miracle.
Excuse me, one second.
You son of a...
you took my baby!
You took my baby!
I'm gonna kill him!
He took my baby!
Dave! Dave! He took my baby!
I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!
Call 911!
Dave! Dave!
Explain to the minister that in
Beverly Hills on new year's...
It's the custom for people to
jump in to show they're happy.
- Dave! - Oh, David, help!
- Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Call 911!
Oh, trouble
at the O.K. Corral.
I'll kill ya!
I'll, I'll kill ya!
Can't you make them stop?
What happened?
Get that cigar away from me.
What a fucking party.
You bit my neck.
Wise guy.
You tried to kill me.
I was provoked.
You shouldn't have saved me
in the first place.
I lent you a hand, and you bit it.
I gave folks what they wanted.
Really?
Yeah.
Linda Evans?
I never met the lady. Hm.
The sister with leukemia?
I never had a sister.
The ashram?
I drove by it once.
The books?
The political books?
Picked 'em up in a supermarket.
- What about us?
- Aw, Jenny,
c'est la vie.
You took advantage, Jer.
You lied.
What did you want to hear, Dave?
Real heartbreak?
Real sorrow? It's boring.
Here's your pants.
That's my underwear too, buddy.
All right. Yeah, all right.
That's right.
Here's the money the Iranian
guy gave me for his kid...
When I gave him an apple.
Keep it. You gave him the apple.
It was your apple.
Here's your clothes.
And you can keep
your hanger factories,
and you can keep your credit
cards and everything else.
It's called commitment, amigo.
I don't need it.
Yeah, I know, I know. You're free.
You're free to eat garbage.
Yep, and I can piss
anywhere I want to.
You could have pissed right here, Jerry.
Dave, he did.
He pissed all over the joint.
Where you going?
I'm real curious. Who knows?
Stay. I'll make you
a nice cappuccino.
Now go on back, Matisse.
No, Jerry, you take him.
You're the only one he listens to anyway.
- Departure scene, take one.
- I'll never eat again.
Come on, Matisse.
It's our lucky day, amigo.
There's lots of places we can go:
'Frisco, Santa Fe, Ensenada.
Jerry's gonna show you the ropes.
I'll show you the best parks to sleep in,
beaches where the coconuts flop
into the palms of your hands.
We'll make our own schedule.
We don't owe nothin' to nobody.
All right, yeah.
What's wrong, amigo?
You hungry?
Come on, Jerry'll fix us up
some good grub.
Here. There ought to be
good garbage in here.
Ah, look at this. Pate.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
Only the best gourmet chow in town for us.
Here, take a bite.
What's the matter?
This is good stuff.
This is the best garbage in town.
This is primo.
Let's go grab a cup of cappuccino.