Down Low (2023) Movie Script

Pressure's all right, Gary?
It's perfect.
And the oil is not too warm?
It feels nice.
Is there any area in particular
you want me to focus on today?
You could, um...
You could go, uh...
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, this music
is triggering me.
Can I change it
to something less traumatic?
Oh, um, sure.
Kind of feels like I was
getting you off
at a funeral, you know?
You have a dope house,
by the way.
Thank you.
It's, like, sexy.
Oh, God.
Hump me, fuck me
Daddy better make me choke
You better
Hump me, fuck me
My tunnel loves
To deep throat, it do...
Lick, lick, lick, lick
I wanna eat your dick
But I can't fuck up
My nails
So I'mma pick it up
With chopsticks...
I'm so sorry. Cory, is it?
Yeah, Kory. With a K.
Could we just keep
the distractions to a minimum?
I'm sorry. I stopped
taking my Vyvanse, and I have--
It's okay. I'm just...
So the music, off?
I'm so, so sorry.
Is there any way
that you could not chew gum?
Bitch, am I not allowed
to breathe?
Gum's gone. Are we good?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
It's fine. Can I proceed?
Please. Thank you.
So you have, like,
a really big house.
Who all lives here?
Um, just...
Just me.
No husband? No wife?
Wife. I had a wife.
Hm, word.
I used to fuck girls too,
and then I realized
I sucked dick at eating pussy.
She left.
She took the kids, and--
What a bitch. Boys or girls?
Boys. Well, men now, really.
Are they hot?
Your two sons, are they hot?
I don't know.
Come on, Gary.
You're clearly a fairy.
Or at least now you are, heh.
They're my children!
It's not perverted.
My cousins are so fucking hot.
I mean,
they're good-looking young men.
Gary? How many guys
have you done this with?
One, like...
Like, you're my first.
I'm your first massage?
No. I mean, yes, but...
You're the first guy that
I've ever been intimate with.
Gary, shut up.
It's not a big deal.
Gary, this is
a big fucking deal.
I need a drink. I need a drink.
Come on. Come on! Holy shit.
Where are you going?
So you've never touched a dick
before? Like, even as a kid?
Oh, my God, Gary,
that is so gay.
I'm not supposed to drink, so--
That is the most repressed
Catholic-ass bullshit
I've ever heard in my life.
I did jerk off once in a
steam room at our country club.
God, not even an Equinox?
Jesus Christ, Gary.
It was a long time ago.
The world's different now.
Bitch, please. The ancient
Greeks were gay as shit.
Zeus ate dick for breakfast,
lunch, and dinner!
That's why he was so strong.
All the cum.
You're a very spirited
young man.
You know what is so funny?
People say shit like that
all the time,
and I never know what it means.
Ahh! But this isn't about me.
This is about you.
I wanna know, why now?
I can't believe
I'm telling you this.
I got married so young,
I had kids so young
that I never gave myself
an opportunity--
Holy shit!
I didn't even think about that.
Your kids are so lucky.
They have a gay dad.
What's better than that?
Well, I doubt they see it
that way, Kory.
Please, call me Cameron.
Kory's the work name,
it helps me get into character.
But you and I are friends now.
Well, Cameron, um,
my kids don't talk to me, so...
Sorry, you're telling me that
your family won't talk to you
because you prefer
bussy over pussy?
What the actual fuck?
Patty had her reasons.
And I think the kids--
God! Patty? Oh, Patty!
Patty's a very,
very cunty name, Gary.
I'm sorry, Gary,
but that is bullshit.
You were honest
with those bitches,
and they turn
their back on you
'cause of your sexuality?
I'll talk to that bitch
for you.
I'm a people person.
Give me your phone.
No. You don't have to--
The only thing better
than my dad being gay
would have been him being
like a reiki master.
I would have killed
to have a dad like you.
I'm dying.
Oh, baby, I'm dying too.
I mean, every night
I fall asleep--
I'm actually dying.
I have
an inoperable brain tumor.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry. I...
I really don't know what to say.
Words of affirmation
is not my love language.
It's more like...
Okay, no. Okay, it--
You don't have to worry about
not knowing how to respond.
Nobody's reacted that well
thus far, myself included.
Oh, Gary. Are you okay?
I mean, I know you're not okay,
obviously. But I mean...
It's like I just realized
that I've been alive
for nearly half a century
and I haven't actually lived
even a second of it.
Okay. Okay, Gary.
Gary, I'm gonna help you.
Let's find someone for you.
Someone you've always wanted who
will put what you want first.
Honestly, can't you just finish
the hand job and go?
Oh, shut up.
Shut up, Gary.
We're doing this.
You are gonna do this.
Now, have you heard of Plungr?
It's a sex app.
Why do I need a sex app?
I literally paid for you.
Uh, because you're not gay
until you've hooked up
with a complete stranger
on an app,
who looks
nothing like their pictures.
Okay, so crash course.
Basically, once you set up
your profile,
then you put in your stats.
That's the basics.
Your height, your body type,
your pronouns, your positions.
Top, bottom.
We'll figure it out later.
Your relationship status,
date last tested, et cetera.
And boom! You're getting
your hole licked,
your salad tossed,
your carpet munched
by your best friends' dad
or closeted neighbor--
I'm sorry, this is
a lot to take in.
It's a lot, Gary.
I wish they had a gay Duolingo.
You know what?
Why don't you see for yourself?
Go on.
Oh, my God.
There's so many hot guys.
Yes, there are.
But if you wanna talk
to any of them,
you're gonna need an avatar.
Profile picture, Gary.
You're gonna need
a profile picture,
or no one's gonna answer.
Do you know what lighting
in your house
makes you the most dewy?
Can we just use
a picture of you?
Look at you. I'm not gonna get
very many responses.
Uh, yeah,
not with that attitude.
Do you know your angles?
My angles?
Oh, for fuck's sake, Gary.
Come on, I can't
just teach you everything.
Mm-hm. Yeah, that's very hot.
I know.
I'll just call us
"Lad and Dad."
Okay, um...
How about this guy?
Two miles away.
"Dom Top, DL, Masc4masc,
I love to suck."
What's DL?
That's down-low, just like you.
Well, I like his hat.
"I like your hat, bro.
You're hot."
"You too."
Wait, he already wrote back?
Yep. "Come over and drain me."
Okay, I'm sorry. No, Cameron,
I think this might be too much.
Oh, too late. He's on his way.
Wait. What?
I dropped a pin.
You gave him my address?
I might not be ready for this.
It took me a week to work up
the courage to call you.
And now you've invited some
complete stranger to my home.
Gary, Gary--
I don't even know this person.
How am I supposed to react?
Loosen up.
Because you're with me.
I'm like human poppers.
I open anyone up.
All you have to do
is sit back and relax.
You're gonna be okay, I prom.
Half a promise.
Did you just make that up?
Oh, my God.
It's New York, Gary.
The reality star.
Oh, you have so much to learn.
I'm going to your kitchen.
Gary, it's so harsh in here.
You need to liven it up.
Spoon, spoon, spoon...
Shit. You really are dying,
aren't you?
"Gary and Patricia had
a beautiful marriage,
filled with blessing and love.
The life they shared
was harmonious and fulfilling,
raising the boys.
Gary has now left the marriage
to finally pursue his life
as a gay man.
There are no words to describe
the shock and heartache
Patricia feels
regarding Gary's new path."
Gary! Oh, my God.
Okay, can we please
talk about this?
Because what the actual fuck?
Where did you get that?
I went through your shit.
Oh, of course.
After the split,
Patty lashed out
in interesting
and craft-based ways.
It's on, like, weighted paper.
You're telling me
she went to Kinko's
and printed how many copies?
She sent them
to quite a number of people
in our lives.
Gary, it's like a eulogy
for straight you. Rest in peace.
At least
you got to keep the house.
When I came out of the closet,
I lost the closet
and the room the closet was in.
Is that why
you ended up doing this?
The fuck do you mean by that?
Your line of work is not exactly
many people's first choice.
A little fucking judgmental,
don't you think?
I'm just saying, kids wanna
be astronauts, firemen.
They don't pick sex worker
at the job fair.
Right. Well, they would
if they were tossed around
as an 8-year-old, like I was.
I'm fucking joking.
Are you serious?
That's what you actually think?
That something terrible
must have happened to me
to lead me to this?
God forbid I found something
that I'm good at,
and I monetized it.
But you can't do this forever.
When you're my age,
what will you do?
I don't know, Gary.
I guess I'll repress every
desire that comes naturally,
marry an unsuspecting woman,
have two sons,
live a lie until I find out
I'm dying of cancer.
Hey, whoa.
No, you are on thin ice,
I'm sorry. I...
You're right.
I guess that
that was my poor attempt
at helping you.
Aw. Well, write this down
and remember it fondly:
I don't need your fucking help.
My God, if that was my best stab
at fatherly advice,
it's no wonder my own kids
don't wanna speak to me.
Okay, enough
of this whole pity party.
What is that?
It's called pre-workout.
Like meth for people with goals.
Why are you taking it now?
You didn't have Red Bull.
Which, by the way, big mistake.
Big. Huge.
Pretty Woman.
Finally, a fucking reference
you know.
Pretty Woman is
one of my favorite films.
That would explain
your attitude towards sex work.
Well, you're the one
who just quoted it.
Touch, bitch.
Oh, fuck. He's here. He's here!
Oh, my God, what do I do?
Hey. You go upstairs,
wear something sexy,
I got this covered.
Go! Go!
'Sup, bro?
Ooh! Fist me already!
I'm Sammy.
I'm Kory, with a K.
The lost Kardashian.
Mm, nice truck.
You parked so far.
Just wanna get in and get out.
Oh. You can get in, all right.
Mm, mm, mm!
Come on.
This place is dope, man.
Do you live here alone?
Um, well, if you noticed
on Plungr, I am Lad...
and this is Dad.
Who the fuck is this
Mister Rogers-looking-ass dude?
I thought I told you
to wear something sexy.
I feel very sexy in this.
The profile said "Lad and Dad."
You didn't say
nothing about a threesome, so...
And you didn't say anything
about being a whiny bottom.
But here we are.
I'm no bottom! I'm all top.
Yeah, I'm sure you are,
you self-hating little bitch.
Shut the fuck up, please.
We both know
you're just a gaping hole,
so pipe the fuck down
and service this cock!
Fuck, you're sexy.
You know you don't deserve to
suck this cock, though, right?
I know.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'll suck it so good, though.
Do it.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Mm... Mmm...
Hey, you shut your fucking mouth
when you're sucking this dick.
Please, sir, I want some more.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, you like that dick, you
little Oliver Twist-ass bitch?
Oh, God.
It's like a juicy bratwurst.
You make me...
You make me sick,
you little orphan boy.
Mmm... I'm an orphan.
Fucking deeper, bitch.
You little street urchin.
You little begging bitch with
your little purple-ass shorts.
I'm your fucking street urchin,
Come on, Dad.
Come on.
Fuck me.
CAMERON: It's okay.
Oh, yes. You gotta
put it fucking deep in there.
Wait. Why are you stopping?
I can't do this.
Can't do what?
Suck a dick when
your username's Looking2Succ?
Not with this
accountant-looking motherfucker.
I'm sorry.
Gary is a beautiful man
who deserves anonymous blowjobs,
just like the rest of us.
He looks like shit.
You look like shit,
you little pencil dick!
I'm not even fully hard, bro.
Oh, really?
Plus, I didn't get
to showcase my personality.
Oh, my God!
I've given you plenty of time
to showcase your personality.
Fuck you.
I'm better one-on-one. And it
was just you in the picture.
Not your Flowers in the Attic
fucking sidepiece daddy.
I'm not even gay, anyway.
You just casually referenced
Flowers in the Attic.
You are an absolute faggot!
I got a wife.
So does he!
And you'll be adding ex
to the title
when she finds out
you're a bottom!
Watch your fucking mouth, bro!
I'm warning you,
I will knock you out.
Oh, no.
He's gonna knock me out, Gary,
he's gonna hit me
with his Flowers in the Attic.
Okay. Boys. Boys.
You are a F-A-double G-O-T,
This is your last warning, bro!
You're a faggot!
Fuck you!
It was a gorgeous landing.
Why would you do that?
Do what?
You instigated him.
You riled him up.
Hey, hold on, hold on.
He literally charged at me
and you pushed me
out of the way.
How is this my fault?
If you had only shut up,
he wouldn't have
done the charging.
Oh, of course,
you're gonna take his side.
Two repressed queers blaming
their shame and misery on me,
a secure, stable homosexual.
How did I let this happen?
My God!
Wait, this whole thing
was your idea.
The whole thing.
Hey! No, no, no!
You wanted him to come here.
You practically
forced me into this.
Oh, I forced you
to hook up with two hot dudes.
I'm so evil, Gary.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What are you doing?
I'm calling 911.
For what? He's dead!
Exactly. We have to explain
what happened.
You may be okay going to jail
'cause you're dying,
but I'm freshly made.
I don't care. I'm calling.
Gary, no. Accidents happen!
It was your first time
being gay.
You were gonna make mistakes.
This is more than a mistake!
You're right.
I'm so glad
you're man enough to admit that.
Admit what?
You assaulted me.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You pushed me, babe.
You pushed me
and my lover is dead!
That's what
I'm gonna tell the cops. Ow! Ow.
I can't believe
that you would pin this on me
when all I did was protect you.
Protect me, really?
He was gonna beat you up.
I saved your life.
Don't be so dramatic, Gary.
You both would have flown out
of that window,
which now seems like
a missed opportunity!
Okay, so don't ever try
and save my life again, then!
I pray
that I don't have the chance!
No, Cameron,
you can't walk away from this.
It's your fault!
You know what? You say that
one more time, I swear to God!
When you first told me
about your family,
I felt bad for you.
I really did.
But you know what?
I feel bad for them,
'cause you're
that classic closet case
that loves to look like the hero
while playing the victim.
Maybe try and accept the fact
that you ruined more lives
than you saved.
You don't know a fucking thing
about me and my family.
Oh, thank God for that.
It's your house, Gary.
Your window.
Every man for himself.
I'm fucking out of here.
You are a pest!
You are a menace!
You are a selfish, spoiled boy,
and I have no use for you!
I don't wanna see you
or know you!
Get out of my house!
Is that from Dennis the Menace?
Fuck you, Gary!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
So where are we taking him?
Don't look at me like that.
You're weak,
I feel sorry for you,
and thank you for saving
my life, blah, blah, blah.
I think he shit himself.
Just grab his hands, come on.
Okay. So should we drag him
to the shore,
fill his pockets with rocks,
and then throw him in the lake?
Did you just come up with that?
Yeah. Why?
That's almost exactly
what we did with Duke.
Who the fuck is Duke?
My only real friend.
Who the fuck are you,
Robert Durst?
Jesus Christ, Cameron!
Duke was a Weimaraner,
who I loved very, very much.
A who?
A dog. Duke was a dog.
He loved the water.
It was a fitting send-off.
But dogs don't wear pants.
Oh, God. Cameron, pick him up.
We're dealing with a human body,
a human dead body.
And he's gonna smell.
He's gonna rot.
He's got a family, a wife
who probably hates him
but doesn't want him dead.
Are we talking about the body
or you?
I should just take the fall.
No. I don't want Patty to have
to make another calling card.
"After a few months
as a homosexual man,
Gary decided
to lead a life of crime."
With a wilted rose
as the background this time?
Ooh, stunning.
I'm really glad you came back.
Me too.
Oh, fuck!
He bled through the tarp!
That's mountain ash wood,
it's really porous.
Oh, my God, you're so gay.
How did nobody know?
Shut up
and help me move this thing.
Oh, my God. Did you invite
somebody else over?
You think I double-booked you?
Well, did you?
Of course I didn't.
Answer it.
I don't wanna answer it.
We can't answer the door.
I have no idea who it is.
Oh, fuck.
Avon lady calling!
It's Sandy.
Who the fuck is Sandy?
My neighbor.
Oh, shit.
What am I supposed to do?
I'm completely covered in blood.
I know what to do.
Where are you going?
Gary? Is that you?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Gary?
That's Patty's apron.
Not anymore.
What are you gonna do?
Answer the door.
No, no,
you can't answer the door.
I'm gonna answer the door.
There's a dead body--
You're not Gary.
No. No, no, no.
I'm cute,
and you must be pretty.
So together that means
we're pretty cute.
You're a hoot! I'm Sandy.
Oh, Sandy, what brings you
over here this beautiful night?
I should be asking you
the same question.
That's so like Gary.
A man of few words.
I'm his real estate agent, Kory.
Kory Haim.
Like the actor?
No, you're thinking of Feldman.
No, there was two Coreys.
There was Corey Feldman
and Corey Haim.
No, think there's just one.
Thank you for coming.
Hey, you're--
You're not in that gorgeous
palazzo across the way, are you?
Where is Gary? And why
are you here so late at night?
Oh, I'm doing an inspection.
You know, I-- I thought I heard
the faint sounds
of screaming earlier,
and I thought,
well, Gary's home,
so naturally I thought
I would come on by
on my way to the store.
But I gotta hit the road
before the Ambien kicks in.
I think it already kicked in.
Stat! Like they say on Grey's.
Oh! Are you a McDreamy girl?
All the way.
I could see it in your eyes,
I just need some flour...
to make my chocolate chip
banana bread
for my church group
in the morning.
Sure, yeah.
Not keto, but very Christian.
We just pray so hard that the
carbs don't stick to our hips.
You know what?
I just realized something.
I know
where Gary keeps the flour.
So why don't you
just wait right here?
Right here. Sit, stay.
Right there. Sit, stay.
Sit, stay.
Don't move. Good girl.
Good girl.
I'll be right back. Yeah, okay.
He's wearing an apron.
One more won't hurt.
Shit, shit, shit.
Oh, God.
Where does he keep the flour?
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I know.
You don't have to hide it.
I caught you red-handed.
Okay. Look, it was
a whole mistake,
and one thing led to another--
The heart wants
what the heart wants.
I got Patty's card.
The whole neighborhood did.
You don't have to be ashamed
of loving him.
Gary's a wonderful man.
I'm so close to Patty still.
She's just sick
over the whole thing.
She feels terribly about what
she did and how she reacted.
But now he won't talk to her
or the boys.
And I know he's hurt,
but she really worries
about him,
especially now all by himself--
I'm sorry. Patty...
Patty wants to talk to Gary?
Oh, more than anything.
She's been begging him
to at least just clear the air
before he--
You know, just...
Right. That's, uh...
I didn't know that.
I did not know that.
Oh, well, must be awkward.
For Gary.
He must not tell you things
about the ex.
So all that's to say,
no more sneaking around,
Mr. Estate Agent.
I'm a cool Christian.
I'm down with the gays.
I may just not bake a cake
for your wedding, ha-ha!
Yeah, well,
you already established
you don't have any flour.
Yeah! You got me there!
Oh, where's Gary? I wanna
see you two sinners in action.
What the fuck?
Honey! You did not spill
all those cosmos!
You got the whole pitcher
right down the front of you.
GARY: Yes.
Yes, we were having Sex
and the City role-play night.
Well, let's get
another pitcher going,
because I'm Samantha,
and I love fucking.
Yes, you do, you little scamp.
Church girls know how to kneel.
I'm gonna
just make
some more cosmos, then.
You are
such a fucking Charlotte.
This is so exciting!
It's been ages
since I've had
a girls' night like this.
Where's the bathroom again?
I... When I get excited,
I get a little loose down there.
Oh, Jesus. Um...
Okay, I'm gonna just cue up
the second movie.
Everyone's favorite.
Bathroom's right to the left.
Right to the left.
Right to the left.
Why are we watching
Sex and the City 2?
You are being such an Aidan.
I need you to be a Mr. Big.
I have no idea
what that even means.
At least I tell the truth,
you wily bitch.
Shut up!
to the left.
We can dump the body
after Sex and the City,
but right now, chill.
Oh, my God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Sandy, this is not
what it looks like.
It's not?
No, it's not.
You're right, it's not.
You know what? Just...
Um, let's just 86
the request on the flour,
because I just remembered
that I have some in my pool.
And I would
just like to add here,
in no way do I believe
that you are going to hell,
at least not just for being gay.
So I'm just gonna find my way
to the door
and then I'm gonna be
out of here!
Sandy, wait!
You're gay.
You're supposed to be nice!
Sandy, please.
You locked me in!
No. No, no. Sandy.
You're trying to kill me!
We're not.
It's unlocked, actually.
Pull, don't push, hon.
Sandy! Sandy!
Sandy! Sandy!
Where the--?
We're not gonna hurt you, babe!
Is she astral-projecting?
Where the fuck did she go?
Come out, babe.
Hey, hey!
I have just taken
a fistful of drugs,
and I will be sedated or dead
within minutes,
feeling none of the sick,
twisted, homosexual depravity
you subject
my Christ-like body to!
What in the Hoarders hell?
Welcome to my old life.
Sandy, listen.
I'm really concerned
about the amount of pills
you've taken.
And if you have more, I would
absolutely buy them off of you.
Where is she?
She's not here.
Of course she's not here.
Why do you even have a dog cage?
It was Duke's.
Right, the dog you
Nicole Kidman'd into the lake.
Virginia Woolf'd, and yes.
And you still keep his cage?
To remember him by!
You need to learn to let
things go. It's not healthy.
You're in a position
to tell me what's healthy?
Shh! You hear that?
The closet. The closet!
It's jammed.
Move, move, move.
All right,
it's obviously locked.
You can't lock a closet
from the inside.
Says the expert
on being in the closet.
You know what, shut up.
I can let go of things.
I prefer to have
the physical evidence
that I was actually here.
Okay, I don't really know
if a dog crate
is the best example of that.
Is everything a joke to you?
That wasn't a joke.
You ever stop to consider
anybody else's feelings ever?
You wanna talk about
other people's feelings?
Let's talk about
how you don't have the balls
to call your own family back.
How do you know that?
She said Patty wants
to talk to you,
but you just refuse.
You wouldn't understand.
So you're gay.
So they reacted badly.
Call them back.
Oh, okay, let me just, um,
take some advice
from a kid who gives
happy endings for a living.
Oh! The operative word there
is "happy," you sad fuck.
Oh, I'm sad?
Why don't you examine
your own uneducated existence,
you Jezebel!
When I find out who Jezebel is,
I assume I'm gonna be
so mad at you!
Don't follow me!
Hey, you know what?
Your life isn't
the only one that changed
when you decided to come out.
I had to be
someone I hated for them!
And that's not their fault.
And you think I don't know that?
Gary. Gary, where are you going?
I always did
what I was supposed to do.
I went to church.
I married young.
I had kids
when I was younger than you are!
Imagine if I had a kid
right now.
That'd be so toxic.
I followed all the rules!
I didn't smoke.
I drank in moderation.
I cut fat out of my diet
in the '90s
and put it back in 2013
when avocados got big!
My whole life, I've been good!
A good husband.
A good father.
That was a little bit hard.
A good man!
I didn't enjoy any of it!
Gary, seriously,
you just hit my fucking head.
And you know what?
There is a part of me,
some terrible part of me,
that blames them.
But it's my fault!
It's all my fault!
It's my fault!
Oh, my God.
It's my fault.
Gary? Gary, Gary!
Gary. Hey, just breathe.
Come on.
I can't breathe.
Come on. Come on.
You're okay.
I can't breathe.
I know.
I can't breathe.
Breathe. Breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry
for calling you Jezebel.
I don't even know
who Jezebel is.
But if she's anything like me,
we stan. Is she hot?
You know, I...
I actually envy you, Gary.
Oh, please.
No, seriously, I do.
You spent your whole life lying
to everyone about everything,
but you still have a lot
to show for it.
You do.
You're having a panic attack
on your own damn tennis court,
for fuck's sake!
My dad didn't even acknowledge
when I told him I was gay.
He just said,
"Not to me, you're not."
And then he went back
to watching TV
like it never happened.
Next day,
I left a note on my bed,
drove away, never to return.
What did the note say?
"Fuck you,
you bigoted fat fuck.
Your son's a sissy whore faggot
who loves it in the ass."
Or something to that effect.
I can't really remember, but...
He actually meant well,
I think.
In his own weird, demented way,
He thought that if I was gay,
he had to stop loving me.
So he chose to ignore it
because he wanted
to keep loving his son.
But loving someone with
conditions isn't love, it's...
You're a good man, Cam.
Whoo, yeah, based on tonight,
I don't think either one of us
is technically that good,
but I appreciate that.
Well, at least it's some relief
knowing there are people
out there
being worse than us
in the world.
What did you just say?
There are worse people
in the world?
Gary, you're a fucking genius.
I am?
Yes! Yes!
We just have
to find somebody worse than us.
Someone that is
so insane and deranged,
they'll get us out
of this whole mess.
All we have to do is--
Get back on Plungr.
The beginning and the end
of all of life's problems.
You have got to work
on your internalized homophobia.
It is seriously shocking.
Let's go, Gary!
"Let's go, Gary."
What are you doing?
The dark web, Gary.
On Looking2Succ's phone?
You want it traced
back to yours?
Hold this.
Do the facial recognition!
Jesus Christ.
Do it!
What happens now?
I'm doing it, Gary.
Doing what?
The dark web.
Is it hard to do?
Why don't you make us
some coffee or something?
Okay. "Church organist,
can play with or without pipes."
Why would a church organist
advertise on the dark web?
It's code.
For what? Sex stuff?
Organ harvesting, duh.
Mm. "Circus, Circus, Tigers,
and Bears, Oh, Die."
I don't think I wanna know.
They're either into bestiality
or an arms dealer.
Those are
two very different things.
Ah, one would think.
Okay, this one says,
"Shit on my chest."
Shit. Okay, so shit's brown.
Brown is also the color of dirt.
Um, chest, like burying a chest?
Like treasure? Like pirates?
They literally just want someone
to shit on their chest, Gary.
It's like, "Go back to Plungr
where you belong, scat queen."
Gary. Gary, this is our guy.
"Fleshpuppet. Collecting
lifeless lamb chops for play,
with no strings to hold me down,
or attached."
Geppetto would never.
"Collecting lifeless lamb chops
for play"?
I don't like the sound of that.
I do.
Let him take this literal
6'2" lamb chop off our hands.
What does he want
with dead bodies?
Fuck them, eat them,
fuck them and eat them,
fuck them while eating them,
make a skin suit out of them,
sell them for parts,
dress them up like his mom.
The list goes on and on.
Haven't you ever seen
a movie before?
Anyway, that's
none of our business, okay?
We are just the supplier.
Do not go getting
a moral compass on me again.
We should probably clean up
before he comes over.
Does that really matter
at this point?
Gary, just because you're dying
does not mean
you shouldn't
always look your best.
I was not talking
about my appearance.
I was talking about the blood.
Oh, my God, Gary, you're right.
We need to give you a makeover!
Cameron, no.
Squat a little
Standing there
Thinking what you look like
Nobody gives a fuck
What you look like
Standing there
Thinking what you look like
Nobody gives a fuck
What you look like
Standing there
Thinking what you look like
Nobody gives a fuck
What you look like
When you're lost for moves
And you got no game
And you wanna cut loose
When you're lost for moves
And you got no game
And you wanna cut loose
When you lose your cool
And you got no shame
And you wanna get rude
When you lose your cool
And you got no shame
And you wanna get rude
Okay, um...
I look like me, but in blue.
You are a total zaddy, Gary.
Okay. I am a cool...
hot zaddy.
Can you please not smoke inside?
It's not smoke, it's vaping.
Just don't do it inside.
We just killed a man,
but I can't vape inside?
Accidentally killed a man.
Isn't weed supposed to be good
for you, with the cancer?
I prefer edibles.
No, too many carbs.
Screw it.
How do I work it?
You just press the button.
Hold it? Press it?
And inhale.
And then what?
Oh, my God.
I'm Gary.
All right, Gary.
You gonna let me in or what?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Who are you?
Um, Cameron, this is Buck.
Um, you're not...
You're, like, hot.
Yeah, I know. Life ain't fair.
So where's the body?
Uh, quick question
before we begin.
Are you a cop?
A cop?
What? No! Wait, are you?
Are you?
You kind of look like a cop.
Oh, uh, thank you.
That's not a compliment.
No, I'm not a cop at all.
Of course not, I'm not a cop.
Good. 'Cause the dark web's
built on trust.
Stitch that into a pillow.
Where are my manners, Buck?
Um, can I offer
you something to drink?
Y'all got Red Bull?
Oh, my God. I wish.
That's the one thing
I don't have.
Uh, I don't know
exactly how to get
this thing started,
so why don't I just tell you
a little bit
about how we got
into this pickle?
Cameron and I invited over
this gentleman--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The body's a man?
Uh, yes.
Is that okay?
Mm, body's a body.
Oh, my God. Progressive.
You're hot.
Okay. Um, so we invited over
this lovely gentleman.
Well, we thought he was lovely.
It turns out
that he was really angry--
This closeted fuck came over
and fell out the window.
Hmm. That sounds ambiguous.
GARY: No, no.
We assure you that everything
that happened was an accident.
Where did you kill him?
Right outside.
You moved the body?
It's in the closet.
That makes your cleanup
much trickier.
You guys ever seen Gone Girl?
Just the part
with Ben Affleck's dick.
What? I love Ben Affleck.
So you have never dealt with
a crime scene cleanup before.
Um, no.
No. No.
Well, lucky for you guys,
I come prepared.
Ahem, all right.
A little bit about me.
I'm a Capricorn
with Cancer rising.
I love long-distance running,
old science textbooks,
and fucking dead bodies.
Oh, my God. I am such a sucker
for Capricorns, Gary.
Because I'm a Christian,
I'll walk you through
the deep clean,
but you're gonna have to do
the legwork yourself.
All I need in return is
the body, no questions asked.
I'm sorry, um,
just the one question
about, uh,
"fucking dead bodies"?
No questions asked.
Right, but just the one question
before no questions.
No, no, no.
That's all, that's all,
that's all.
Thank you so much,
Mr. Fleshpuppet.
I'm having second thoughts.
Too late.
What do you care
what he does to the body?
I care.
You wanna keep it?
I don't wanna keep it.
Ut-shay up-yay!
Get me out of here! Oh!
Sounds like you got more than
one problem on your hands, boys.
No, just Sex and the City.
No, that's
Real Housewives of...
We're Bravoheads.
All right.
Y'all got oxygen-based bleach?
I'll go check.
Banging fucking house, Gary.
Thank you.
Ooh, what's this?
Oh, um...
Put that down. Please.
It's just very delicate.
Thank you.
You guys are making
very quick work of this.
I'm impressed.
I might have to hire you guys.
Yeah. Thank you
for all of your help.
Yeah. Who knew crime-scene
cleaning could be so exhausting.
You guys mind
if I take a smoke break?
I think we should
keep working through--
Fine. Patio's just--
We already vaped inside.
Who cares if he smokes?
Yeah, you're the guest.
Oh, did you want some?
I thought you would never ask.
Oh, sorry. Gary, did you
wanna hit it first?
Oh, yes, for the host
with the most.
Go on.
No, I'm fine.
Suit yourself, narc.
Would you just excuse us
for one second, please?
You're trying to embarrass me?
Get in here.
Crack is where I draw the line.
Oh, my God, this powder room.
This was Patty's design.
I would take
a more minimalist approach.
Wow, you gave her
one room to decorate.
You are an oppressor.
Okay, speaking of, can you
please be cool out there?
There is nothing cool
about crack!
Know how hard it is to get crack
offered to you guilt-free?
This isn't a fucking
cauliflower-crust pizza.
It's a Class A narcotic!
Gary, do you know
how much crack I'd be smoking
if I was dying right now?
A lot.
Yes, that is correct. A lot.
A lot of fucking crack!
How does that song go?
"Smoke crack like you're dying."
I've never heard it, but I'm
sure that's not how it goes.
Whatever. It's a remix.
We are gonna go out there
and smoke a shit-ton of crack
with the guy who's gonna get
this dead body off our hands.
And you'll be cool about it!
Cameron. No!
Whoa. Nicely done, old boy.
Not too much, Cam.
Get fucked.
We just killed a man
and there's a sweet church lady
in the closet.
I knew there was a lady
upstairs. I love you guys.
I'm gonna smoke
as much crack as I want,
because it's been a lot of
firsts for me too tonight, Gary.
Where are you going?
Holy shit.
Fuck! I feel...
I feel like...
I remember my first light.
It's like I took a flight,
a pleasure in your mind.
It feels just right.
Whoa! Did that just rhyme?
Did you hear that?
No, I didn't hear anything.
It's your subconscious, Gary.
Guilt's creeping in.
Just ignore it.
That's what I do.
Did you hear that?
That sound in your head,
it's like a popping sound.
Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!
Totally normal. It's your mind
expanding, my friends.
Just ignore the demons
and focus on the feeling.
The feeling.
I feel...
I feel...
Where have
Where have you been
All my life and
Boy, don't stop taking me
Midnight in Brooklyn
You leaned in first
I wasn't looking
But there you were
My fallen angel
Calling my name
Calling my name
My fallen angel
Calling my name
Calling my name
Lost in a dark room
Walking on air
Don't have to see you
To know you're there
Die for the way you're
Dancing on me
Dancing on me
Die for the way you're
Dancing on me
Dancing on me
The way you make me feel
I swear you take me higher
Yes, I'm your every desire
Take me home
But take me higher
The way you make me feel
I swear you take me higher
Yes, I'm your every desire
When you take me higher
Where have
Where have you been
All my life and
Boy, don't stop taking me
Higher than I've ever been
Higher than the heavens is
No lie
No lie
Your hands keep my hands tied
Boy, don't stop taking me
Higher than I've ever been
Higher than the heavens is
Jump into diamonds
A thousand eyes
Watching the silence
As we get higher...
Is this what it's like?
What's like?
Yeah, this is what it's like.
Come on.
Come on!
Where have
Where have you been
All my life and
Boy, don't stop taking me
Higher than I've ever been
Higher than the heavens is
Where have
Where have you been
All my life and
Boy, don't stop taking me
Higher than I've ever been
Higher than the heavens is
Crack is so bad for you.
Really, really bad.
Very, very, very bad.
For sure.
You guys doing anything
for the Rapture?
The Rapture.
Doomsday. End times.
I just finished
building my bomb shelter.
I got a full kit
and everything.
I put all my regalia in there.
You guys are welcome to join me.
Thanks, Fleshpuppet.
What about you, narc?
I don't think I'll be seeing
the end of the world.
Don't be such a pessimist.
He's dying.
That's hot.
Keep it in your pants.
How much longer you got?
Okay, that's so rude.
You don't ask people that.
Wait, how much longer
do you got?
A month.
A month?
Give or take.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna let you guys
Terms of Endearment it up
together for a little bit.
Gary, I'm gonna go jack off
in one of your many bathrooms.
Mm, that's okay.
I think, um...
we should all go inside now.
Gary, I had no idea.
I didn't tell you, so...
I wish you would have.
Where's my egg?
Well, gentlemen, that was, uh...
That was fun.
But I should
probably collect my corpse
and skedaddle before
the rest of the world wakes up.
You know, can't be seen
dragging a dead body around
in broad daylight, now, can we?
Gary. Gary!
Give me my egg.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Did you put it down your pants?
No, that's my dick.
We both saw your dick
in the lake, Buck,
and we can all agree it doesn't
look anything like that.
Whoa, whoa. Let's be a little
empathetic to shrinkage, boys.
That is
my great-great-grandmother's
fucking egg, and you better
fucking give it back.
Or what?
Boys. Boys.
Come on, there's a better way
we can work this out, right?
All right.
You're right. You're right.
You caught me.
Let's make a deal, okay?
I will give you your
great-grandmother's egg back...
if I can have your body
after you go.
Oh, my God. You sick fuck!
Okay, okay. You wanna trade?
Give him his egg back
and you can get your body.
Oh, that body's already mine.
Well, that egg is fucking mine!
Worms are gonna be eating
your dead gay ass in a month.
What does it even matter?
What does anything
fucking matter?
What, did I say something
insensitive? Why is he--?
Okay, you know what? Fuck you.
Oh, it's cute you care about
your friend.
All right, fine.
What do you want?
I get the dead guy's truck.
Why do you want a truck?
I Uber'd here.
I lost everything
in the divorce.
All right. Whatever. Sure. Deal.
My dick isn't tiny.
No, I need you
to verbalize it for me.
Tell me.
Okay, your dick is not tiny.
Thank you.
Okay. All right. Now let's go
get you your dead body.
Finally. Jesus.
So he has a habit
of falling out,
so just keep that in mind.
This ain't my first rodeo, pal.
I don't want Buck
to have the body.
Gary, it's practically
rush hour.
No, we cannot
give the body to this...
twisted, dark-sided psychopath.
Okay, I'm starting
to feel judged,
and I'm about to get mad.
No, no, don't get mad.
We're gonna give you your body.
He deserves a proper burial.
Jesus Christ, I'm not an animal.
I'm gonna bury him after
I'm done fucking him. Jesus.
Open the door
and give me the body.
Don't open the door.
Open the door. Open the door.
Do not open the door.
Shut up! Open the fucking door!
I'm opening the fucking door!
Thank you.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
He's still alive,
you fucking idiots.
Oh, my God!
We're in the clear!
I'm not gay!
Babe, what?
I'm not gay! I'm not gay!
Now, sir,
you've been seriously injured.
I'm afraid that if you don't
get medical attention,
you could die.
I can't have my family
knowing I was here.
Don't call the cops, please.
Please, please, just let me go.
I swear to God
I'll never suck cock again.
You'd rather die than have
your family know you're gay?
I'm not fucking gay!
I'm not...
Got him.
Oh, my God, you...
You fucking murdered him again!
Hey. It's my body.
He wasn't dead!
He's dead now.
You know,
I'm a little upset, guys.
Seeing you try to help him.
Thought we had a deal.
Put him down.
What are you gonna do about it?
Gary! Gary!
I told you
not to make me angry, narc!
Get off of him!
I can't wait
to fuck the death into you.
That's so gross.
That was so hot.
I know.
Where did you get
a scooter from?
It's my sons'.
I know you said never
to save your life again, but...
I'll allow it this once.
Remember when we only had
one body to worry about?
Get in. I know a place.
Now you tell me.
Ever think about
where you wanna be buried?
That's so fucked up to ask.
They're probably
just gonna give me
some kind of religious burial,
no matter what I want.
So who cares?
I care.
I don't know. Just Nicole Kidman
me in a lake with my dog.
That's a good choice.
Oh, hi.
Oh, my. Have you been gardening?
Oh, um...
A little bit.
Heh, good for you!
Look at me, just making myself
right at home.
Listen, um, about last night...
Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
I don't remember a thing.
You don't?
Oh, God.
Oh, Sandy, you did seem...
very inebriated.
Oh, Gary.
It was right as we--
I was about to watch
Sex and the City 2,
and something about...
Nixon really set you off.
Oh, she really does bother me.
But not as much as Charlotte.
Oh, exactly.
You were threatening self-harm,
and then you locked yourself
in the closet
before we-- I could help you.
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
not the first time
I've woken up in a closet.
My husband, God rest his soul,
he practically had to tie me
to the bed
to keep me from jumping
off the balcony
in the middle of Beaches,
that Bette Midler trauma.
I'm sure that's terrible.
I'm so lonely.
Aren't you lonely too, Gary?
Well, I better be getting along.
Gotta hit the road.
You're a good man, Gary.
I don't care
what anyone else says.
Okay, bye. Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye! Bye-bye!
Oh, my God.
Gary, you nailed that.
Did I?
Yes, bitch.
The Sex and the City 2
of it all?
You have really
come into your own.
Am I officially gay now?
Being gay was inside of you
all along, Scarecrow.
This is where I joke about other
gay things I want inside of me.
The student becomes the teacher.
You wanna know something
fucked up?
Ever since I was a little girl.
Last night might be
the most alive I've ever felt.
That is so fucked up.
I'm really glad I met you.
Even if multiple people are dead
because of it.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
Before I forget...
I put it in my pants.
You should keep it.
Something to remember me by.
It's yours, Gary.
You don't have to kiss me,
Cameron. Really.
I'm not gonna kiss you.
You're gonna kiss me, Gary.
Are you sure
that was your first time?
I just fit right in there.
Oh, God.
Gary, I really think
you should call your sons.
I don't love
the timing of that statement.
Yeah. No, I get that, but...
you should.
I wouldn't know what to say.
After all this time.
You do, though.
Thanks for the clothes.
Yeah, they look better on you.
Gary, I just...
I wanna say...
you're hot.
And in case I forget
to tell you later...
I had
a really good time tonight.
Pretty Woman.
Well, if you, um...
You wanna call me
or get together again...
Thank you.
"Dear friends and family...
After recently coming out
as a gay man,
Gary O'Connell died
on Sunday, May 31st,
peacefully in his home."
"Memorial service will be held
at Mary Magdalene Church
and Cemetery, June 7th.
Donations in his memory
may be made to the church."
What the fuck?
...wondering what if
it's been me and--
I don't know,
I just couldn't get over--
Hi, Patty.
I got your fucking invitation,
you Hallmark hussy.
That card was beautiful
and tasteful--
And Gary would have hated it.
Listen, man. You got--
No, no, no. That's okay.
I'm here 'cause I cared a lot
about Gary.
A lot.
And I got to know the real him.
The him that none of you
ever got to see.
And that Gary...
that Gary would have hated this.
And you know that.
Don't you, Patty?
Are you finished?
I don't know. Am I finished?
I know you think you had
a good reason for coming...
but let me tell you this.
We all made our choices.
My husband made his choice.
And was it the right one for him
at the time? Maybe.
But the truth is,
if I had known,
maybe my choices would have
been different.
Because this was...
never about me standing
in the way of what Gary wanted.
This was about him.
And the both of us wasted
so much of our lives
trying to be
what the other person wanted.
So much trying, so many years.
And we never did get to be
who we wanted.
Neither one of us. Ever.
Until the end.
He wasn't sorry. He was angry.
And so I got angry too.
And we both chose to sit
in that anger for a long time.
Too long.
But then we made another choice.
And we had the courage
to put all that aside.
And that is the man
that I finally got to know.
So God help me,
don't you dare stand there
and tell me
that I didn't know who he was.
I'm sorry.
Father, I'm so sorry about that.
Hey. What the hell did you think
you were doing in there?
Look, I'm not here
to cause any trouble.
Well, you did call my mom
a "Hallmark hussy."
Yeah, words just kind of fall
out of my mouth sometimes and...
I don't know.
Right. Understood.
My father reached out,
and he told us
that he met a guy...
and that that guy said that
he should call his family.
And I just wanted to say,
because of you,
we got our dad back...
for a little while longer.
I'm glad.
And then this.
He wanted to make sure
I gave it to you.
He said you'd know
what to do with it.
I do.
Could I just...?
Can I just get a moment
with him?
Can you turn around, please?
Thank you.
Oh, Gary...
my lover...
my friend...
the day I penetrated
your virgin hole...
Oh, my God.
...was the best day of my life!
And we may not be leaving
this Earth at the same time,
but at least we came together!
What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck. Fuck.
Let's do some gay shit, Gary.
Stop! Yo! Where are you going?
Are you--?
Midnight in Brooklyn
You leaned in first
I wasn't looking
But there you were
My fallen angel
Calling my name
Calling my name
My fallen angel
Calling my name
Calling my name
Locked in a dark room
Walking on air
Don't have to see you
To know you're there
Die for the way you're
Dancing on me
Dancing on me
Die for the way you're
Dancing on me
Dancing on me
Where have
Where have you been
All my life and
Boy, don't stop taking me
Higher than I've ever been
Higher than the heavens is
He's coming for you, Duke.
Dripping in diamonds
A thousand eyes
Watching the silence
As we get higher
It's not complicated
Dancing on me
Dancing on me
It's elevated
Dancing on me
Dancing on me
Too many nights
I was trapped in my mind
Trying to break free
Now I surrender
All up on you
All up on you
Take me to heaven
All up on you
All up on you
Where have
Fuck. Unh!
Where have you been
All my life and
Boy, don't stop taking me
Higher than I've ever been
Higher than the heavens is
No lie
No lie
Your hands keep my hands tied
Boy, don't stop taking me
Higher than I've ever been
Higher than the heavens is