Down the Chimney with a Shotgun (2022) Movie Script

(suspenseful music)
(festive music)
(electricity zapping)
(festive music continues)
(light jingling music)
(bell jingling)
- [Reporter] We interrupt this
evening of Christmas music
for a late breaking news report.
A patient from St. Catherine
Mental Asylum has escaped.
He was last seen wearing
an orange jumpsuit
and the Santa Claus outfit.
He should be considered
extremely dangerous.
Police are advising
everyone to stay inside
and keep their doors
locked for the holidays.
If you see anything in your neighborhood
that looks suspicious, please contact the
local police department.
Now, back to your holiday classics.
(festive music continues)
(gun bangs)
- Oh, it makes the mighty nice boom sound.
Now look, I know what you're thinking.
Just another crazy guy
in a Santa Claus suit.
Christmas isn't always cracked up
to be the old fat man's kind of an asshole
You see, Christmas has a
dark side, a very dark side.
And tonight you're gonna hear about it.
Do you like fairytales?
'Cause I got a great story
or do to tell you tonight.
Yes I do, sweetie.
(gun bangs)
Don't be scared.
Did you say something? Speak up.
- No.
- No what?
- I didn't say anything.
- You know, fairytales do
come true, even the bad ones.
And tonight-
- Please just let me go.
- Let you go?
We're just getting started.
You know, they made old Hans Trap leave.
You ever heard old Hans Trap?
You see, love, Hans Trap was
a bit of a Satan worshiper,
but other than that, he
wasn't such a bad guy.
You see, old Hans Trap, he liked meat.
He liked human meat.
See, he liked to dress up like a scarecrow
and hang out in the fields
waiting for his victims.
And then at the end of every
October, he'd come down
and he'd get the guys
on Santa's naughty list.
And you may or may not
be on that list, love.
(suspenseful music)
It's harvest season and the
scarecrows coming sweetie.
(ominous music)
- [Narrator] "The Christmas Boogeyman."
The legend of Hans Trap.
The legend of the Christmas
scarecrow is a well-known tale
in the French regions.
Hans Trap, according to the
story, lived in the 1400s,
a rich and powerful man who
was feared by the people.
His life was taken over by debauchery,
and his goal was to enrich
himself by all means necessary.
It was said that he worshiped the devil,
and he used black magic to
obtain his wealth and power.
Hearing of this, the Catholic
church had him arrested
and brought before the Pope of Rome.
He was excommunicated from the church
for the crime of sacrilege.
Trap was banished and his
wealth and lands confiscated.
Trap was forced into the
forest of Bavaria in Germany.
There he constructed a makeshift
cabin in the mountains.
It was here where his
evil desires festered.
His anger and resentments
were intensified,
and he became more devoted to the devil.
Descending into madness,
Hans Trap had visions
of becoming a monster.
He sat around having visions
of killing individuals
that have done wrong.
He also became obsessed
about eating human flesh.
Finally, he became the
dreaded Christmas scarecrow.
He roamed the countryside
in his scarecrow disguise.
Trap would hide in the fields
or in the forest waiting
for the perfect victim.
One afternoon, a shepherd's
boy happened to cross paths
with Hans Trap.
Trap stabbed the unfortunate
boy with a vicious sharp stick.
With the body safely back at his cabin,
Trap sliced the boy into
pieces and roasted him.
But before he could eat, he was struck
by a divine lightning bolt and killed.
So they say, since that time,
Hans Trap has remained a terrifying legend
in the folklore of Germany.
Every October he goes from house
to house in his scarecrow disguise,
scaring the naughty children and adults
and drooling greedily
over their tender flesh.
It is time for the Christmas
scarecrow to roam once more.
The harvest is coming.
(ominous music)
(gun bangs)
(gun clicks)
(gun bangs)
(ominous music continues)
(wind chimes dinging)
(bugs trilling)
- What does it take for a working man
to get his useless wife
to make me a drink?
Did you hear me?
It only took me twice to get you
to get your ass out here.
- I'm sorry.
- You know, you know that saying,
when I say jump, you ask how high?
Do you understand what I'm saying?
- I do.
- Yeah?
Do, do you understand what I'm saying?
- I do.
- Now get your ass out
in the fucking kitchen
and make me a god damn drink.
Fucking useless woman.
Like the rest of her fucking
loser useless family.
God damn cockroaches.
And she, she would be nothing.
Nothing without me. Nothing.
God damn, you useless woman.
What is taking you so fucking long?
My grandma used to make me
hot cocoa faster than you.
And she had a god damn peg leg!
(eerie music)
For fuck sake!
Are you stupid?
- I'm sorry.
- I swear you're fucking stupid.
- Sorry, Charles. It won't happen again.
- You know, I don't
like getting this angry.
I don't like fucking yelling at you.
I really don't.
- It's fine.
- I tell you what...
I know how you can make it up to me.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
Why don't you go upstairs,
put that special outfit on.
- Okay.
- You know the one I like.
- I do.
- [Charles] Right?
- Right, right.
- [Charles] Okay.
Let's have a nice fucking night for once.
- Okay.
- All right?
I'm gonna go have a
smoke and then I'll be up
to give you my little present.
- Okay, I'll meet you up there.
(light dramatic music)
(bugs trilling)
You ready to unwrap those goodies?
Oh yeah.
Come on, it's showtime!
(ominous music)
(ominous music continues)
(light dramatic music)
(bugs trilling)
(Charles groaning)
(light dramatic music continues)
- Sorry, dear.
It'll never happen again, darling.
(bugs trilling)
(eerie music)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(eerie music)
Oh, he comes down the chimney and shit
And crazy, Santa is an asshole
Once he give me some
bullets for my gun
Now, you see? Everyone
meets the reaper in the end.
And I know what you might be thinking.
What did the husband do to deserve that?
Well, he deserved it. And
I'll tell you one thing.
He didn't go to hell.
You see, even Christmas
holds its own hell.
- Will you please just let me go?
I have a little boy. It's Christmas Eve.
- Let me go, she says.
That's what I was thinking.
You see, every time someone says,
let me go when I kidnap
let him go on Christmas,
'cause it is Christmas.
Do you know what happened to the husband?
- No.
- Well, I'll tell you one thing about,
Christmas holds its own courts.
(ominous music)
- [Narrator] "Christmas Hell."
Even if one of these evil
demonic folklore characters
comes and takes your soul,
the nightmare is only beginning.
You see, even in death,
Christmas holds its own courts.
It's a place where no one
has escaped from a purgatory
for evil Christmas deeds,
and none has returned from
this holiday vacation.
Once a soul is in Christmas
hell, there is no returning.
A repeat of hell's tortures occur daily,
like a bad TV show stuck on repeat.
There is no leaving the
fires of Christmas Hell.
(light music)
Let me call you sweetheart
I'm in love with you
Let me hear you whisper
That you love me, too
Keep love light glowing
In your eyes so true
Let me call you sweetheart
I'm in love with you
(bell jingles)
Keep the love light glowing
In your eyes so true
Let me call you sweetheart
I'm in love with you
(light eerie music)
Well a grasshopper sitting
on the railroad track
Singing Polly Wolly Doodle all the day
Just picking his teeth
with a carpet tack
Singing Polly Wolly doodle all the day
Well a bumblebee simply buzz around
Singing Polly Wolly doodle all the day
Well, I lost my outfit, left it down
Singing Polly Wolly doodle all the day
Fare thee well, fare thee well
Fare thee well, my fairy fay
For I'm going to Lou'siana
For to see my Susyanna
Singing Polly Wolly doodle all the day
(upbeat music)
(victim groaning)
(victim groaning)
Well the old strange, he
was straight from the tale
Singing Polly Wolly doodle all the day
(ominous music)
- You just got murdered by your wife
with that hammer that
you're carrying around.
Does that seem sane to you?
You're a fucking slob.
You're disgusting.
You're gross, you're
weak, you're pathetic!
You fucking sissy pansy boy.
Welcome to hell, motherfucker.
(victim panting)
(light dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(bell jingling)
(ominous music continues)
(tense music)
- No.
This is a fucking goddamn nightmare.
This is not real.
Stop, stop.
(suspenseful music)
There's a way out.
Get me out of this place.
(engine rumbling)
(body thuds)
(light dramatic music)
(suspenseful music)
(bells jingling)
Stop, stop.
(victim groaning)
Stop, fucking stop!
Stop that, damn you!
(victim screams)
(light music)
Let me call you sweetheart
I'm in love with you
- [Reporter] As Christmas
approaches, stay safe this holiday
by keeping your doors locked
and arming yourself from the psychopath
who escaped the mental asylum.
He could be in your
neighborhood, so keep an eye out.
Police are advising not
to leave out any cookies
or milk as well.
We don't need to be feeding him.
If you do see this psycho running
around in a Santa outfit
in your neighborhood,
please call your local police
department to come deal
with the situation.
No sense getting a shotgun blast
to the chest over the holidays.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
- [Psychopath] Did you rear that?
- [Victim] No.
- There's something
out there, I'm telling you.
Did you hear that?
You want them little
Christmas elves coming
to your house tonight and
scalping your little boy?
Do ya?
- [Victim] No.
- Let me tell you one
thing about them elves.
Everyone thinks, oh, they're
up in the North Pole making
toys and being good little
things, but they're not,
they're little demonic souls
with their hats and their booties.
They make me nervous, really nervous.
They'll climb down your mouth
and get in your guts, in your eyes
and they'll eat you from the inside out.
Them little elves are next,
every single one of them.
I'm telling you, every one
of 'em is a little
packer headed dick face.
There ain't a single elf
in this Christmas country
that's worth talking to or
trusting for that matter.
I trusted one once.
Big fucking mistake on my part.
Look what he did, fucking
bit my finger right off.
Little bastards.
I'm telling ya, they'll get ya.
And your little boy for Christmas.
Merry fucking Christmases his head.
- [Narrator] "Santa's Little Scalper."
(light music)
Pictures of Father Christmas
portray him as a well-nourished,
bearded man dressed in a
long red fur-lined robe.
And every year he makes a list
of children throughout the world,
categorizing them according
to their behavior;
naughty or nice.
A special doll would be made
for the children whose behaviors
needed extra attention.
These dolls would be
created from the souls
of evil elves looking
to do harm in the world.
So every year one special
child would receive the demonic
doll hoping the doll can help the child
change their ways before it's too late.
(ominous music)
(haunting music)
- [Doll] You are thinking about it again.
- What?
- [Doll] You know, this fast
paced life of yours is going
to catch up to you someday.
- Yeah, maybe someday
(light music)
(phone ringing)
Hey, Mom.
I am good. How are you?
Yeah, doctor's appointment went well.
Yeah, medicine seems to be working.
I don't know.
She still says I need
to go out and socialize.
I did pick up something today that,
you know, might help.
Something to practice with.
(ominous music)
Well, thank you.
Yeah, I love you too.
All right, bye.
(haunting music)
(light music)
(bag rustling)
- [Doll] You could go out,
maybe meet some people,
you know, socialize and shit.
- I don't know.
Just not into it.
- [Doll] Your mother
would want you to try.
- Mind your own business.
- [Doll] It was only a suggestion.
(dog barks)
It's her again, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- [Doll] You like her, don't you?
- She seems nice.
- [Doll] You want to fuck her, don't you?
You know, put your dick inside her.
- I'm just not into it.
- [Doll] You could ask
her on a date, you know,
a movie and dinner, then
maybe you could fuck her.
- I told you, just not into it.
I'm not her type.
- [Doll] What type would that be?
- You know, good looking, wealthy.
Has a job, his own car, his own house.
I'm none of those things.
- [Doll] You should still try to fuck her.
You told your mother you would try.
- I'm just not into it.
I dunno, maybe I could
get a hobby or something.
- [Doll] That's a good idea.
Then you could meet people
with similar interests.
- Yeah, but I don't really
know what I would be into.
- [Doll] Well, how about hiking?
- No hiking.
- [Doll] Golf.
- No golf.
- [Doll] How about bowling?
Everyone seems to like bowling.
- No bowling.
- [Doll] All right, then.
What about building
something like a bird house
or model kits?
I am pretty good with my hands.
(eerie music)
(dog barks)
(door squeaks)
(light music)
(plastic rustling)
(ominous music)
- [Doll] Was it something I said?
- No.
- [Doll] This is unlike you.
- Shut up.
- [Doll] Why don't you hike to the store
to get some glue for my arm?
- Shut up, at least I'm doing something!
- [Doll] Your mother will not
be happy with your decision.
(light music)
You are pretty stupid.
- What?
- [Doll] It's funny.
- What's funny?
- [Doll] It's meat.
It'll never last.
It rots.
(doll laughs)
(haunting music)
- [Narrator] Krampus.
The Krampus is a horned
folklore figure from central
and eastern Europe who,
during the Christmas season,
scares children who have misbehaved.
Assisting Saint Nicholas,
the pair visits children on the night
of the 5th of December,
with St. Nicholas rewarding
the well-behaved children
with modest gifts such
as oranges, dried fruit,
walnuts, and chocolate.
While the badly behaved
ones only receive punishment
from Krampus with birch rods.
Krampus has also been known
to carry chains thought
to symbolize the binding of the devil
by the Christian Church.
He thrashes the chains
for dramatic effect.
The chains are sometimes accompanied
with bells of various sizes.
Of more pagan origin are the ruten,
bundles of birch branches
that Krampus caries
and occasionally swats children with them.
But most of the time,
Krampus appears with a sack
or basket strapped to
his back, this is to cart
off the evil children for drowning,
eating or transport to hell.
Some older versions make mention
of naughty children
being put inside the bag,
screaming as if the bag
was eating them alive,
then taken away and never seen again.
(bells chiming)
(wind howling)
Oh, the lovely weather for
the great ride over there
With a screw
Oh, what are you doing?
Look at you thinking
you're gonna get away.
Well, I can't have you
running off in the woods.
You see, it's Christmas and
the Christmas switch is out
and she's looking for a
naughty soul to steal.
You see, tonight isn't all
about the fat man, you see,
because the witch is out looking.
And when you hear the
roar, the thunder outside,
it's not even, it's not
even thunder for real life.
Some people think that,
but here's just the witch.
She's starting her ghastly
hunt looking for people.
Intestines pulled out of 'em
and then feast on them like
it was a chicken nugget.
Or maybe with a young child.
Maybe it was just father
Santa Nick himself.
It's not about him, it's about the witch.
(light music)
(ominous music)
- [Narrator] Frau Perchta, the
terrifying Christmas witch.
Tales told in Germany and
Austria sometimes feature
a witch named Frau Perchta,
who hands out both rewards
and punishments during
the 12 days of Christmas.
December 25th through
epiphany on January 6th.
She is best known for
her gruesome punishment
of the sinful.
She will rip out your internal
organs and cook you alive.
Frau Perchta is associated
with the wild hunt,
flying through the night
sky, while accompanied
by her demonic perchtin.
A Krumpus looking creature, evil elves,
and unbaptized babies.
For those she deems good, a
silver coin is left for them.
If she deems you unworthy, if
you forget to leave out a bowl
of porridge for her, she
slits open your abdomen,
removes your organs, and
replaces them with straw
or rocks, taking your remains
and cooking them to serve to others.
(light dramatic music)
(hand knocking)
- Hello there, my name's Bill.
You wouldn't have to have any
rooms available, would you?
The roads are getting rough out there.
- Of course I do. I've
been waiting for you.
- I don't have a reservation.
I just saw your sign when I pulled up.
- I still have room.
Please follow me.
- Okay.
(ominous music)
- Will this do?
- This will be fine.
That's a strange doll you got there.
- Oh, I've been looking for him.
Oh, he, he tends to
have a mind of his own.
- I see.
- Would you like to meet me in the library
and have some cookies
and milk after a bit?
- [Bill] Sounds wonderful. Thank you.
(eerie music)
- Would you like a Christmas cookie?
- Well, thank you.
- I'm missing, I'm
missing some ingredients,
but I'll make more later.
Oh, Christmas is such
a special time of year.
Don't you agree?
- I don't celebrate it much.
It's just another excuse
for the department stores
to get your hard-earned money.
- Oh, I only make my
cookies during Christmas.
I have the recipe memorized.
All the ingredients.
- Oh, wonderful.
You gotta steal trap up there.
- Six cups of flour sifted.
One tablespoon each of
baking powder, ground ginger,
ground nutmeg, ground
cloves, ground cinnamon.
Mix that all together.
Oh, and then there's a special ingredient.
- That's very good.
- It's important to get it just right.
My mother believed that everything
and everyone could be useful.
That everyone had a purpose.
Now, do you believe in that?
- I guess so.
The good and the bad.
Everyone has a purpose.
Is there more than one of those?
- One of what?
- The Christmas doll?
- No, just one.
- Okay.
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
- You just have to have
the right ingredients
to make the Christmas cookies.
Christmas is this time for magic.
My mother always used to say that.
Christmas cookies should
have one cup of brown sugar,
one egg, a half cup of
water, a cup of molasses,
and one teaspoon of vanilla extract.
You mix all those together
slowly until it's smooth.
- Sounds yummy.
You do know all the cookie recipes.
- My mother tried
to hide my father's location
from me when I was a child.
Oh, she didn't want me to know the truth.
Oh, he did such terrible
things to my mother.
- Sorry to hear that.
(bell jingling)
I am really very tired.
I must be going to bed.
How is that ringing?
- Oh, that always rings
when someone doesn't
have a spirit of Christmas in them.
- It's ringing by itself.
- Yes. This bell is never wrong.
- All right, I'm going to bed.
(bell jingling)
- You can use shortening, but for
the smoothest, flakiest
cookie, you want lard.
One cup melted and cooled, only slightly.
Mix the lard with the wet
ingredients thoroughly.
Then preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
- Christmas cookies really are
your favorite thing to bake.
- You have to have every ingredient.
You can't skip one of them.
- Very good. Good night.
- My father was a large fat man.
He used to play Santa.
- I will see you in the morning.
Good night.
(light dramatic music)
(Bill sighs)
(ominous music)
What the hell's this?
What's going on?
- The Christmas bell tells
no lies. It knows bad souls.
- I don't know what the hell
you talking about. Let me go.
- My mother hid my father
so cleverly, I found him.
I was a smart little girl and
I found every part of him.
I even found the fat, the large.
Every single jar.
(baker giggles)
(guts squishing)
(ominous music continues)
- [Reporter] Breaking news,
police are still on the lookout
for a patient who escaped the
St. Catherine Mental Asylum
earlier this evening.
The mental patient should be
considered very dangerous.
The crazy son of a bitch was
last seen wearing a Santa
outfit and strapped with a shotgun.
Do not try to apprehend this individual.
Please call your local police station.
Now, back to your Christmas special.
(light music)
(gun bangs)
(eerie music)
- So there was once a Christmas boogeyman,
also known as Father Whipper.
He had one foot in past and
one foot in pagan history.
- Can you please just stop?
I've heard enough.
- Stop?
Are you fucking kidding me?
You're gonna hear all my tales tonight.
So the Christmas boogeyman
was known to get children
and slice them up with their throats
and make good soup outta 'em.
Really good soup like
grandma used to make.
And once old fat man Saint
Nick got wind of this,
he figured he'd employed
the son of a bitch
to help him do his dirty work.
So on the 6th of every December,
he got with Santa Claus
and they went out and did their deeds
doing his dirty work for him
'cause he's a fat, lazy bastard himself.
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?
There's something out there, I think.
(gun bangs)
(ominous music)
- Le Pere Fouettard, The
French Christmas cannibal
who serves Santa Claus.
The most popular story
of Le Pere Fouettard
dates from around 1150.
In this tale, Le Pere was a butcher
with particularly evil habits.
One day he and his wife
captured three boys on their way
to a religious boarding school.
They robbed the boys of their money
and then disposed of them most gruesomely;
slitting their throats, cutting
them up and stewing them.
Saint Nicholas heard of the crime
and resurrected the children.
On seeing this miracle,
the evil butcher repented.
He was forced by the saint
to assist him every Christmas
punishing the bad while the
saint rewarded the good as penance.
While Saint Nicholas presents
obedient children with gifts
and treats, Le Pere hard Fouettard whips
and beats the undisciplined ones.
Eating the naughty one's
flesh as punishment,
tasting the evil in every bite.
(ominous music)
(paper rustling)
(ominous music continues)
(ominous music continues)
(paper rustling)
(ominous music)
(eerie music)
(paper rustling)
(metal clattering)
(paper rustling)
(metal clattering)
(suspenseful music)
(paper rustling)
(explosion booms)
(glass shattering)
(fire rustling)
- Did you hear that? Did you?
There's something out
there, I'm telling you.
What's the matter with you?
(dramatic music)
Jesus fucking Christ.
(eerie music)
(dramatic music)
(gun bangs)
(gun clicks)
(dramatic music continues)
Jesus fucking Christ, I don't
know what fairytale this is,
but I ain't fucking dying.
(light dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(gun bangs)
Oh, fucking Krumpus, fucking...
Fucking Krampus, fucking.
Stay, I don't like that fucking guy.
(light dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(eerie music)
(eerie music continues)
(light dramatic music)
(bright festive music)
(electricity zapping)