Downey Wrote That (2025) Movie Script
1
[jazzy music]
- Shit, if I was at home,
and I saw this,
I'd be like,
who the fuck is Jim Downey?
- Why would we do
a documentary on a writer?
- I think it's great
that Lorne has found
another way to make money,
uh, by doing films
about staff members.
- God, it's so hard
to distill the Downer.
- Maybe they won't know
his face,
but everybody knows his work.
- Governor Bush?
- Strategery.
[laughter]
- Mmm, Colon Blow.
Sounds delicious.
- Have you ever made love
on one of the five
existing copies
of the Magna Carta?
- Remember when
you were with the Beatles?
[laughter, applause]
- Sure, sure.
- That was awesome.
[laughter]
- Jim's good work
is just as funny now
as it was when he did it,
whether it was in 1976, 1996.
- Please, Larry!
- And look at how much comedy
has changed since
Jim Downey started
on "Saturday Night Live."
[laughter]
- It's something
I'm not gonna do.
Not gonna do it.
- [whispering]
You're a [bleep] dog.
[laughter]
- There is nobody
who knows Downey that
doesn't put him as number one.
- He was one of the reasons
I wanted to start writing.
- There's nobody else like this.
- Me, Captain.
- No, no.
- Punish me.
- Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald,
and this is the fake news.
- [operatic singing]
- His language lives here,
and without that language,
so much of this place wouldn't
have been established.
- How'd that someone get
attacked by a rabbit?
- That's what we do.
[cheers and applause]
- More than anyone, at least
for that first 20 years,
he became the voice of the show.
I would think
I probably was in the '70s,
but I more and more
began to realize
if something important
had to be said,
that I'd go to Jim on it.
[ethereal music]
[jazzy music]
- One way you could
start this, I thought,
is you hear a voice.
There's nothing
the general public hates more
than looking at
or listening to a writer talk.
This is my first office that
I shared with Bill Murray.
- Jim Downey and I,
we went to work the same week
at "Saturday Night Live."
- This was his first
encounter with, you know,
professional show business.
And because Bill Murray was
coming in as well,
I put them together
in that office.
And it was... it was not
a natural fit at the beginning.
- Like some sort of a bad
roommate movie where
we'd come in and go,
like, oh, you.
There you are, you know.
And he'd be off, like,
writing sketches,
and I'd be like, oh, hi, Jim.
[laughter]
Hi, Bill.
- But it turned into
something wonderful.
- What is your test?
- Do you see that boulder
over there?
I want you to lift it.
- That boulder is too large.
I could lift a smaller one.
- Even though we were slow
to get to know each other,
Jim Downey's the one
that I'd say that
I'm friends with, of all
the people that I work with.
- I mean, we would write
all night.
You know, crash on the couch.
Billy brought in, like,
a little hibachi grill.
He was trying to grill
a little steak or something,
and set off the sprinkler.
[alarm ringing]
And so that put a quick stop
to, you know,
our little Benihana.
[indistinct chatter]
At "Saturday Night Live,"
you come up with an idea,
and it's gonna be on
television five days later.
I mean, it's crazy.
- 10 seconds!
- There's a lot of rewriting
between dress and air.
It kicks you into that kind
of animal adrenaline state
where you either get
something remarkable,
or you fail spectacularly.
You don't get that
anywhere else.
[cheers and applause]
For those of you sitting
through this just in hopes
of learning something about
how you write
a really good sketch,
this is a formula.
And mind you, you're not
to copy this formula.
This is my formula.
- Jim invented
a type of American comedy
of, like, hyper-nuance.
- I have a fondness
for the comedy of someone
very painstakingly, laboriously
explaining something
that doesn't even need
any explanation to begin with
and also getting it wrong.
- I needed to take the bus
but all I had was a $5 bill.
I went to First CityWide,
and they were able to give me
four singles and four quarters.
[laughter]
- "Change Bank" was
a perfect example,
at length discussing something
that doesn't need explaining.
- We will work with the customer
to give that customer the change
that he or she needs.
If you come to us
with a $20 bill,
we can give you two tens.
We can give you four fives.
We can give you
a ten and two fives.
We will work with you.
- "Change Bank" is so specific.
There was an idea,
there was the attitude,
there was performance
and then the absurdity
of how far it was taken.
- We are not gonna give you
change that you don't want.
If you come to us
with a $100 bill,
we're not gonna give you
2,000 nickels.
[laughter]
- A slender premise like that
but under such controlled,
uh, execution...
- Jim gives you no indication
that anything funny is
happening here.
- Like, that was an interesting
thing about Jim's sketches,
is that you had to deliver it
so straight and so on the line.
And not just straight, but in
his rhythm that he wrote it in.
And it would work perfectly.
- Yeah, it's true.
- Thank you.
At Global Century,
we like to be completely
upfront with our clients.
That's why in our prospectus
we clearly state
that our investment advice
is often self-interested
or deceitful
and may work
to a client's disadvantage.
We think you deserve
to know that.
- Jim is deadly serious when
he's presenting you his comedy,
and the people in his comedy
are deadly serious.
- It's like, if you weren't
watching closely,
you wouldn't know
that comedy was on the TV.
- Like a lot of us here,
I followed your broker's advice
and over the last few years,
I've lost 80%
of my life savings.
- That does not surprise me
at all.
- I'd just like to say
that even though I think
you're an evil person,
and even though I came here
intending to kill you,
I've been really impressed
with your honesty.
[laughter, applause]
[soft music]
- Writing comedy is either
easy or it's impossible.
Any writer will tell you
most of their good ideas come
when they're doing something
else and they're not trying
to come up with an idea.
We're just going through
our ordinary lives,
experiencing things,
when something hits us.
The really good stuff
just flows.
You can barely write
fast enough.
That's an awful lot better
than sitting at your desk
staring at a blank legal pad.
- Hi, I'm Dale Sturtevant.
I've been raising dogs
since I was six,
and nothing has
brought me more joy
or more sheer frustration
than training a puppy.
With a very young pup,
correcting problem behavior
can be especially maddening.
And like you, I've probably
tried all the tricks...
Screaming myself hoarse,
starving them,
locking them in a closet
for days on end,
or just beating them
without mercy.
But after my third arrest
and court-ordered
anger management counseling,
I learned to channel
my rage into an effective,
nonviolent puppy training tool.
It's called "Dissing Your Dog."
- That just began
with training my dog
and just kind of cranking up
a normal experience
to silly dimensions.
- Oh, right, Margaret,
you wanted prime rib.
Here's the deal,
the Palm wasn't taking
reservations,
and I didn't want to try
Morton's because I understand
they have a new chef,
so for now, let's just go
with the ALPO.
OK, I understand it's not your
first choice,
but keep in mind...
[whispering]
You're a [bleep] dog.
[laughter]
- It's a perfectly-written
piece for Will.
It's an attitude thing
that's taken so seriously.
- When you're writing
a piece for television,
there's a million
different ways I could say,
could you turn out that light?
It's a little bright.
There aren't a million
different ways to tell a joke.
Most of what makes us laugh
is something that's true,
that just... you've never
heard it put that way before.
I'm always looking for
the perfect version
of that joke.
[jazzy music]
- It's not too late.
You could be peppers.
- Oh, this is my slave.
His name is Phil.
[laughter]
- I was in Paris.
Went to the Louvre.
I tell ya, I don't know
what the big deal is.
Just one out-of-focus sculpture
after another.
- No matter how hard you scrub,
no matter how hard you clean,
you just can't rid
your home of sewer rats.
- It was this two-part thing
of nonexistent problem,
ineffective solution.
- A problem that isn't
really a problem.
It sheds light on the way
in which the people talking
about it are the real problem.
[laughs]
- Sleepytime Rat Control.
It's not a poison.
It's not a trap.
It's a powerful sedative
that puts rats to sleep...
Deep sleep.
- I wouldn't say rats are
a nonexistent problem.
But sewer rats in your home
is a nonexistent problem.
- So why live with this...
[boinging]
- I was under the bed,
like, punching the mattress,
and then we slowed it down
and gave it
some boing, boing,
boing, boing, boing
kind of sound effects.
- When you can have this?
[sawing, lullaby playing]
- [quietly] That's more like it.
- The joy is just
watching everybody
in that ad is so committed to,
we've got the solution
to the problem.
And...[laughs]
The rats are surrounding
the bed sleeping peacefully,
but no one ever
removes the rats.
- You'll sleep better
knowing they're sleeping.
- A lot of "SNL" is just
wasting the audience's time
with a nonexistent problem
and an ineffective solution
that made someone like Jim
laugh really hard.
- Mr. President, there is
one other item on the agenda.
It seems we're scheduled
to hear a presentation
from that frontiersman.
What's his name again?
[banging]
- The name is Johnny.
Johnny Canal.
- Johnny Canal
- John Candy had
a sensibility that was
kind of close to Downey's.
They loved these
historical figures
with really stupid ideas.
- What I am proposing,
gentlemen,
is a system of canals
knitting together every corner
of this great land of ours.
- "Johnny Canal"
with John Malkovich is
number one in my Downey book.
And it has the same kind
of pace that I really liked,
and that I was not always
brave enough to pursue.
- Excuse me, Mr. Canal.
Is it your proposal
that every town,
even the tiniest villages,
have literally hundreds
of canals running
in and out of them?
- Or more!
- My favorite part
is the president
taking time to explain
why it's a bad idea.
- Well, your plan is
certainly an intriguing one,
but there are several points
that you haven't touched on.
For example, the proposed
cost of this project,
how long it would take to build,
who would maintain it
once it was built,
would these be toll canals
or free,
how would the rights to the
land be obtained, by...
- And then they do
a push-in on Malkovich
as the president explains,
and it's just pushing in
on Malkovich's face,
and you're reading
that he hasn't thought
through any of the logistics.
That is Downey's humor.
- I've never been great
at writing
plotty kind of things.
I like to establish the premise
as quickly as you can,
then we hope it's gonna be
joke, joke, joke,
joke, joke, joke,
joke, joke, joke.
It's like microwave popcorn,
where at first,
it's a flurry of...
[imitates popping]
But then, pop.
I wanted to generate jokes
that no one
had ever seen before
because they came
out of a unique premise.
You're trying to reach
a critical mass of... of laughs.
- Donde es la biblioteca?
- It's eight jokes
around a theme.
Basically, the only purpose
of the structure and the story
is to get to those jokes.
[ethereal music]
[clicking]
[gentle music]
- I'm so happy
you're doing this, Jim.
It's so exciting!
I want to know more
about young Jim.
Were you quiet, or were you
trying to make people laugh?
- When I was very little,
I understand I was very sweet.
When I was in school,
I was more of, like,
a class wit
than I was a class clown.
My dad loved practical jokes.
I remember he liked
to call his friends and go,
Jim, I'm gonna
hand you the phone
and you say you're
with the health department.
I'd go, what?
What do I have to... what?
- [laughs]
- When I was a junior in high
school, I was in Chicago,
and I saw the "Harvard Lampoon
Life Magazine" parody.
I thought it was
the funniest thing.
It was the first thing
that really spoke to me.
That's what made me want
to particularly go to Harvard.
- I went to Harvard...
[clears throat]
High School,
so I'm almost as smart.
- This would be
one of our issues
that was done
when I was president.
- The "Lampoon" is the oldest
comedy magazine
in the United States.
I mean, most college
humor magazines meet
in a basement somewhere.
The "Lampoon" is this
crazy Flemish castle
that's right near
Harvard Square.
[rock music]
- In 1972, we did a parody
of "Cosmopolitan Magazine."
- That's the famous pinup
of Henry Kissinger.
Burt Reynolds had posed
on a rug like that.
- It would just infuriate
most people to go,
this is what these
Harvard assholes are
doing with their education.
- But you can make stuff
that influences the culture.
- Earlier this month,
Harvard University's
humor magazine,
the "Harvard Lampoon,"
sent movie star John Wayne
a letter.
[jazzy music]
- We challenged John Wayne
to come to Cambridge,
Massachusetts.
At this point, he was
extremely unpopular
on the Harvard campus.
It was like
a three-day phenomenon.
[static droning]
- "Duke," John Wayne, was mobbed
in Cambridge,
Massachusetts, today.
Police and soldiers
had to convoy him
into a Harvard Square theater
to face a roasting.
[cheers and applause]
- We had that place,
absolutely every seat, filled.
- Hi!
- I was one of the speakers.
I have known John Wayne
a very long time.
[laughter]
And...
[laughter]
That was maybe the first
forays into public speaking
where I was trying
to make people laugh.
Biggest thing
I've ever been involved with.
We were on the front page
of every newspaper
on planet Earth.
I concentrated in
Russian studies at Harvard,
but I spent most of my time
at the "Lampoon,"
so I pretty much majored
in the "Harvard Lampoon."
By the time senior year
rolled around,
I just sort of woke up
and realized
I had not given any thought
to what I was gonna do
with the rest of my life.
- Live from New York,
it's Saturday night!
[cheers and applause]
- NBC's Saturday night!
- "Saturday Night Live"
started up
at just the right time.
I sometimes think about that,
wow, how my life has unfolded.
Huge element of chance.
When I was hired at
"Saturday Night Live"
I was 24
and the only writer who wore
a suit to the group photo.
That quickly changed.
1976 to 1980, I'm writing, like,
three or four pieces a week.
- Fred Garvin...
- You're constantly...
- Male prostitute.
- Throwing stuff out there.
- [grumbles]
- Come on in!
- You're not operating
out of any playbook.
You don't know
what can't be done.
You go, like, how about this?
- You don't suppose he'll make
me squeal like a pig, do you?
- And then the argument is,
why can't we do that?
- Let me show you.
I play with it all the time.
[laughter]
- And then the grown-ups go,
actually,
I guess you can do that.
- What a marvelous
entertainment, Salisbury.
And these chopped steaks
are delicious,
especially with this
exquisite mushroom sauce.
- Well, thank you.
Coming from you, Worcestershire,
that certainly is a compliment.
[laughter]
- The Earl of Sandwich.
- The Earl of Sandwich.
It's a setup.
- Your Lordship.
- You knew with Jim,
there was a turn coming.
There was some moment
where he was going
to reveal to you that
everything up to this point
had been serving a purpose.
- Lord and Lady Douchebag!
[laughter, applause]
[whistling]
- I think we had been holding
on to Lord and Lady Douchebag
for, like, four years.
- Douchebag, how are you?
[laughter]
- You could tell that
the audience was so thrilled...
- Right.
- That we were doing
that kind of material.
- Tell me, Douchebag,
when are you going to show us
that invention of yours?
- Yes, Douchebag,
just what kind of an invention
are you sitting on?
[laughter]
- It was all the stuff
that we wanted to do,
and we saved it for the end.
[ethereal music]
- There's a saying that
we used to use in the '70s,
that if you want to kill
somebody talented,
let them do
everything they want.
And that was sort of
what was happening.
We were unprepared
for the level of success
and attention that we got,
so, uh, people were
offered all sorts of things.
People had more money
than they'd ever had,
so it just changes things.
And, uh... and that's sort
of the price of success.
The sun got too hot.
I think people
were proud of what
we'd done in the first five,
and...[chuckles]
Uh, we left.
[static droning, clicks]
- From New York,
home of courteous service
and a relaxing atmosphere,
it's "Late Night
with David Letterman."
- That summer,
my mom called me and said,
are you watching this guy
David Letterman's show?
I said, no.
Oh, my God, Jim, it's...
It's the funniest show.
It's, no offense,
so much funnier than
"Saturday Night Live,"
so much funnier.
- What's, uh... what's next
for you two gentlemen?
- Oh, we'll be down
in the, uh, Caribbean.
We're gonna be seizing
an Aramco, uh, oil tanker.
- OK.
- I just love it.
I just love the whole
sensibility of it.
I love the silliness
and the braininess of it.
He was himself.
He was standing apart.
- Letterman's show was not
only innovative, but it was...
It was original.
But I think Jim was
a big part of that.
- Fall of '81,
and Dave Letterman
contacted me and said,
hey, we're putting together
a writing staff.
- I thought, this is
gonna be fantastic.
Jim will be here
two or three years.
This will be great
for the show, great for me,
and hopefully great for Jim.
- My day became
basically sitting alone
in an office with Dave
for, like, three hours,
trying to sell him on stuff.
He was a genius at
flicking pencils
into the acoustic tiles.
You'd look up, it was just
bristling with pencils.
And I would go, like,
Dave, what about this?
There's a three-alarm fire
in the studio.
He'd go, uh-uh.
Uh-uh. You know?
- Let me introduce you to our
head writer, Mr. Jim Downey.
Jim, come on in.
[applause]
Frank Zappa.
And you know, of course,
Gerard and Bob.
- Hi, Jim.
- Uh, what do we have on tap
tomorrow night, Jim?
- Uh, we sort of thought
you might throw
one of your blue cards at Paul
and put his eye out.
[laughter]
[jazzy music]
- I can remember
in this hallway,
I started talking to Jim,
and he was making me laugh
so hard.
That's when I thought,
oh, my God, I think
this may be
the funniest human I know.
- Sometimes I...
I wear shirts without
really reading what's on them.
[laughter]
- It's crazy.
You know how much time
he must have spent
with David Letterman?
Like, just in a think tank,
combing over politicians,
news of the day.
- Ouch!
- Barry White has
just been bitten
by a northern copperhead.
- I don't want to die, David.
- I think audiences want you
to think of things
that they couldn't think of.
[laughter]
At "Letterman,"
we were conscious of trying
to teach the audience
to appreciate things
they might not have
appreciated before.
- Someone sent this
postcard to us in the mail.
What you have here
is something called
the world's largest vase.
We thought it would be
interesting
if we could find out just
exactly where this vase was.
- I mean, we would do
running jokes that,
the first time, it died.
We said, no, damn it,
this is funny.
I'm sorry, they're wrong.
You didn't laugh the first
time, but here it is again.
- You have
the world's largest vase.
- Uh, that's right.
- Uh, all right.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna ask you
to get a grip
on yourself now, and...
- Deliberately wasting
the audience's time,
I can't think
of that many people
who have had
the vision to follow through
with that besides Jim.
- Well, here... here it is,
the world's largest vase.
- It generated, like,
five or six different pieces
that we did on the show.
There was, like,
a black tie event.
And then we had
the next night where
it was the changing
of the guard.
- We are adding
a 35.5-inch radio transmitting
tower to the vase.
Oh, my God, this is television.
This is on American television.
- I don't even know
if you'd call them sketches.
I don't know what... what you'd
call what we did on that show.
- [laughs]
Oh, my God.
"Children's Letters
to the World's Largest Vase."
This is all you need to know
about Jim Downey, right here.
- That era of "Letterman"
was the most exciting TV
I had ever seen.
It had this confidence
of, like, this is what it is,
and you're watching it,
and you're gonna keep watching,
'cause we got you.
And it's like,
yeah, you fucking got me.
- Are you still wrestling?
- No, not... not really.
But I am having
a very good time,
though, with myself.
- Uh-huh.
[laughter]
And that period of time was
really beneficial to us
because it then
helped attract, uh,
other really good writers
to our show.
[applause]
- We did do some, I think,
some really good things.
- Now you can blow out
the match.
- You're in town visiting?
- Well, um, next month,
uh, we'll be
appearing in Atlantic City.
- Jim, come on in.
[applause]
This is Frank Zappa,
and you know...
Lorne started something
called "The New Show."
And, uh, everybody fled.
I wish we would have had
more time with Jim.
[clicks, static droning]
- Good evening, and welcome
to "The New Show."
[orchestral music]
[phone rings]
- Hello, Roy's Food Repair.
Yeah, eggs?
Yeah, we fix 'em.
[laughter]
- According to the Fort
Lauderdale Police Department,
are the five most common
causes of injury
suffered by students
on spring break.
- We did "The New Show,"
which was...
[imitates explosion]
That's an example of why
you want to do stuff live,
'cause, um,
that didn't work.
- Hello, it's the Naughty Lady.
- It's her!
It's the Naughty Lady.
- Hot dang!
[projector whirring]
[soft piano music]
- 1984, I was on staff at "SNL"
and Jim Downey returned
to the show.
The prodigal son came home.
One of the high points
of my life
was sharing an office with Jim.
We were right off
the read-through room.
- Oh, give me a break!
Burned to a crisp.
Why do I keep forgetting
to wear an oven mitt?
Ow! Ow!
Ow, ow!
- We never really had
had a head writer, per se.
I tried to help every piece be
the best version of itself.
It sounds corny,
but it's the truth.
- And I do have this memory of
other cast members and writers
lining up outside
on Tuesday night,
sometimes well, well,
well into the night,
to run their sketches past Jim.
- When I first started, people
would wait outside your office
to get time with you.
- Midnight to 3:00 a.m.,
I would camp outside the door.
And you would wait, and you
would wait, and you would wait.
And then around 1:30,
he'd crack it.
- And the door would open,
and I'd go, hey, Jim.
And you'd want to test
the idea on him to see,
should we pursue this?
Or is it just awful?
- He knew how to take
what we wrote and just go,
well, you don't want
to say that.
You want to say this.
- We'd go over Hanz and Franz,
and he'd come up with, like,
three different fixes.
Listen to me now
and believe me later.
You can't count
all the stars, Franz.
It's like trying to count
all your muscles.
- Even if you have
a sketch that's good,
he can always throw his magic
wand on it and make it better.
- What I was trying to create
for the performer was
an attitude to sort of
sink into, you know?
- An overall concept
of a thing being funny
and not just, like, setup,
punchline, setup, punchline.
The Receptionist was
that sort of attitude.
- Hi, I'm here
to see Mr. Clark.
- OK, and you are?
- Kenneth Hornaday.
- Right.
I put that together
and Downey goes,
I like that attitude.
I like what you're doing.
It's not joke-heavy.
So he sort of steered it.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Hi, there.
Hi.
- Yeah, I'm here
to see Dick Clark.
- Uh-huh.
And you are?
- Tell him it's Hammer.
- And he would know you
because you...
- Look, it's Hammer.
You know, like Madonna.
- Right, and she is...
[laughter]
- Your mama.
Never mind. Forget it.
- On "SNL," you could be
a genius Saturday night,
and then by Tuesday,
if you didn't have an idea,
you felt like the biggest
failure, if you were a writer.
- The worst part is you go in
and you tell him
your sketch idea, and he goes,
I can't tell you why
that wouldn't work.
I just... I don't think
that it's gonna work.
So you walk out there
at 3:00 a.m. going,
I have to start over.
Read-through's tomorrow.
I go knock on Smigel.
Need help with anything?
Housekeeping.
- You write it yourself,
and you go,
I don't know, is this any good?
And then when you take it
to someone like Jim Downey,
and he says it's really good,
then suddenly you go,
well, if Jim thinks it's good,
it must be good,
so I'm fine.
- It wasn't until I did
the national anthem sketch...
Oh
Say
An ooh ee
By the dawn's
Early light
That he went nuts over,
that made me feel like,
I think I did something here.
- Jim had such respect
from everyone.
He would give you confidence.
- I loved a great impression.
And you bring to that really
good writing to the character,
that's pretty hard to top.
- Yeah, yeah.
- My approval ratings
are down a little bit.
Don't like the direction
they're taking.
This is good here.
That's good.
That's... that's bad.
[laughter]
Worse.
- Dana would duplicate
the character,
and then he would italicize it
and stretch it
and pull it out of shape.
- Notice I didn't say recession.
Well, as an undecided
Latino voter...
Natural disaster.
Not my fault.
And then we had this one phrase,
which I remember specifically.
You wrote it.
On the paper it was,
not going to do it.
And that became...
- And it became, nah-gah-dah.
- On the cue card.
Not gonna do it.
Not gonna do it.
Ah-gah-bah.
Once the audience went
with that, we had them.
We're not gonna lose
Not gonna do it
Not gah, not gah
Not gonna do it
[jazzy music]
- You, watching this at home,
worship me!
I command you,
become my willing thralls
and live eternally!
- That much oat bran...
- What the hell do you think
you're doing?
- You tell somebody a joke,
most people will make it worse,
but there's 10% who will
bring it back to you better.
And so that's why we introduced
the Thursday rewrites,
to have everyone there
offer up quick suggestions.
We never had rewrites in the
first five years of the show.
I added them when
you joined the show...
- When I joined the show.
It was like,
this guy's gonna need...
- He's gonna want...
- A little bit of tweaking.
- What happens at read-through
stays at read-through.
You're free
to, like, take a shot,
and it was important
because it meant people
were willing to take chances.
You always had that
first wave of relief
of, like, oh, OK,
we came up with something.
It was written up.
But the fear of death
at the table
is really significant.
- Where is Canteen Boy?
- [chuckles]
He's right over there.
[laughter]
- Downey looked out for me
my whole time at the show.
My stuff didn't do that great
at read-through,
and Jim always kind of said,
I don't know, just...
That one, give... let Adam just
give it a shot at that.
- Let's go, scouts.
- He mentioned Alec Baldwin
being a scout leader
and him wanting to be alone
with the Canteen Boy.
- I wanted to talk to you
about something.
I see you take a lot of
ribbing from the other scouts.
- Goes with the territory,
Mr. Armstrong.
Sticks and stones.
[chuckles]
- [laughs]
Atta boy.
[laughter, groaning]
- Jim gave me that one.
That was a monster.
That was, like, one of my
biggest things that I ever had.
- Took on another level
with Downey,
where it's like the performance
is part of the concept.
- It should be noted,
when you have one line
in a Jim Downey sketch,
you are going to have
a long conversation
about exactly how he'd
like you to say that line.
- It was word for word.
Like, he would take you
through sentence by sentence.
And that's not an exaggeration.
- Blueprints that
you want to build the house
exactly to those plans.
- Sometimes between
dress and air,
where you're like,
oh, my God, Jim,
we're gonna run out of time.
How are we going to go over this
beat by beat by beat?
- But he also had such love
for a cast
that could bring performance
to his work.
- The other cast members would
be slightly pissed at you.
Like, how the fuck did you
get Downey on your side?
- I think, uh, the initials, uh,
JD on a sketch, that, I think,
helped improve its odds.
- He's picking the sketches,
so if he's on your team,
it's great.
- Now, this is Lorne's office,
largely unchanged.
The board has every sketch
indicated by
a little three-by-five card.
I'd be in here with Lorne.
There'd be a lot of... of people
coming up to the board.
Like, writers going, like,
uh, are you fucking kidding me?
We're doing "Elevator Ride"?
Jesus.
[jazzy music]
We take what we do
very seriously,
but it is a lot easier when
you're having a good time.
- Oh!
- Nice one!
- Oh!
- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo!
- Oh, my God!
- Bob Odenkirk was
writing at the show.
We were sent these soft vinyl...
Like a baseball.
We're sitting there in rewrites,
and Bob is, like,
undoing the stitching.
It took him all day and he
finally unraveled the thing.
It was very quickly
discovered that if you threw
this shit really hard
at the wall, it would stick.
And so Jack Handey and
Odenkirk invented this game.
- Oh!
- The idea was to hit
the goo with the dart.
- No, no, no. God, no.
Jesus, Conan.
- I'm sorry, I'm thinking
of old goo rules.
- Yes, old goo.
You throw the darts in a pattern
to deflect the goo...
- Ah.
- So that... and you create
either a shunt or a... a fence.
There were different terms
for the different
types of barriers.
- Oh! Sorry.
- It's, like,
1:00 in the morning,
and everyone's having
a great time.
And they pan around the room,
and I'm just like this.
- [laughs]
- I'm just looking at
my script and just...
- Yes.
The equivalent of
the royal flush
was to create
what's called a cradle...
[laughter]
Where you'd create, like,
a semicircular pattern
of darts so the goo would
roll into it and get trapped.
- Yeah!
- But you could also
slow the goo down
and give another player
time to cradle it.
- You realize
it's not a real sport?
- Well, tell that to
the American Goo Federation.
- What I have found
in comedy writing,
particularly,
is that screwing around is
80% of the job
and somehow necessary.
Years and years of my life have
been spent in a writers' room
with us howling, playing with
some stupid prop in the room.
- Yes.
- And when you try and go home
and explain it to your wife,
it doesn't make any sense.
But somehow,
it's part of the process.
- This exchange,
which I will never forget...
- [laughs]
- From your audition.
Surely this will be familiar.
- Yes.
- All right.
- OK, so this is Scarface...
- And the Church...
- Church Lady.
- Scarface and the Church Lady.
- [as Scarface]
Lady, let me tell you.
Let me tell you, lady.
You look like
a big bowl of fuck.
- [laughing]
- [as Church Lady]
Well, isn't that special?
[normal voice] Perfect.
That's, like, perfect comedy.
[as Lorne]
Uh, the show is over.
We're canceling it
in the middle.
There'll be a TV movie
of the week.
It was...
[laughter]
[jazzy music]
- I am Uberman.
I have superhuman powers.
- Two wild and crazy guys!
- You need a good attorney
in your corner.
- This is impossible.
Uh, can't we just
hire them both?
- No. We've been through this.
We've only got the budget
for one dancer.
- Yeah, but they're both
so great.
I can't decide between them.
- I always forget that
he wrote "Chippendales,"
because that, to me, is one
of my favorite of all time.
[laughter]
[Loverboy's
"Working for the Weekend"]
- That premise came to me
because of the host,
because Swayze.
- Will you come out tonight
Everyone's trying
to get it right
Get it right
- "Chippendales,"
I was 10 feet away
just watching it going,
goddamn, this is good.
And you don't know.
They go, "Chippendales,"
and they go,
OK, next, uh, 30 seconds.
And everyone just runs off,
and you don't even think twice.
You're just running
to the next thing.
You don't know,
I just witnessed history.
- Everybody needs
a second chance, oh
[jazzy music]
- [growls] Fire bad!
[shouting, grunting]
- You crazy bitch!
I'll kill you!
- You're not a man,
you're a joke!
- [screams]
- It's almost unimaginable today
to comprehend a private life
as emotionally charged
as the Lincolns'.
- You're a sick woman, Mary!
[cracking, rumbling]
- the complexities
of modern life and warfare.
- I hate you!
- It's amazing how much
of the tension and struggle
of that show just
is somehow built-in.
It was hard for me.
I think it's hard for anybody
over time to not go,
if only I could have two more
weeks to rehearse this,
and maybe rewrite this stuff,
and try to have
a higher laugh ratio.
I wonder what he thinks
about the built-in degree
of expectation falling short.
- I had been basically miserable
my last couple years doing it.
That was a time
when I should have
taken a year off on my own.
And then I was fired
as producer in...
At the end
of the '94-'95 season.
[tense music]
- At a certain point,
you've done enough work
that you're competing
with yourself,
so it becomes harder and harder.
And you want to stay fresh
and you want to stay original,
and...
And most of all,
you want to stay funny.
So that is just how it works.
[projector whirring]
- You know, I had a lot of...
I thought there were some
productive years there.
Norm, meanwhile,
is calling me like,
hey, hey, hey, Jim,
we gotta do "Update," huh?
[exciting music]
- "Weekend Update"
with Norm MacDonald.
- Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Thanks.
Thank you.
I'm Norm Macdonald,
and this is the news.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump
announced this week
that after 3 1/2 years
of marriage,
he is seeking a divorce
from wife Marla Maples.
According to Trump,
Maples violated part
of their marriage agreement
when she decided to turn 30.
- Working with Norm was so fun.
That was a very happy period.
- And in music news,
number one on the college
charts this summer
was Better Than Ezra.
And at number two, Ezra.
- Oh, my God, he just
dared people to laugh.
Norm just couldn't care less.
- A French man who calls
himself the Snake Man
was arrested this week
after climbing up the side
of a Manhattan high-rise.
Yep, he climbed right up
the side of a high-rise,
just like a snake.
[laughter]
- The rhythm of them was
something that,
even today,
hasn't been replicated.
- It was all in the writing
and Norm's
committed dry performance,
you know.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Note to self, uh, find new way
of fraudulently obtaining
food stamps.
[laughter]
- We just believed in the jokes.
When Norm did those jokes,
he couldn't be shaken.
- He has the most unique,
one-of-a-kind kind delivery.
I can imagine how exciting
that would be,
to have Norm Macdonald be
the mouthpiece for your jokes.
- Clinton yesterday announced
that, from now on,
the territory of Bosnia
and Herzegovina
will be referred to as Vietnam.
- Of all the performers
that I've ever worked with,
I actually had the most
perfect simpatico with Norm.
- When you and Norm
found each other,
it was like tuning forks
that were perfectly matched.
- Norm and Jim,
that has to be
Jim's favorite combination
in... in all of show business.
[laughter, applause]
- Can I tell
my favorite Norm joke?
It was, the richest girl
in the world
had her 10-year-old birthday.
- Millionaire Athina Onassis
celebrated her 10th birthday
this week.
- What do you get for
the richest girl in the world?
Well, here's an idea.
- At the party,
they had two cakes.
[rim shot]
[laughter]
- And it's such a good joke.
It doesn't really play,
but a truly great joke
is one that doesn't play
and that I remember
for 30 years.
[light percussive music]
- "Update" Norm is totally
in sync with your values,
which is perfect word choice,
perfect phrasing,
let's get the timing just right.
- When you're telling the joke,
it has to be a really good
version of the joke.
All the important elements are
done in the best possible way.
- The October issue of
"Penthouse," now on newsstands,
contains a picture
billed as, quote,
"the alien, the world's
first authentic photograph."
- The original joke
we started with was...
- A survey of
"Penthouse" readers finds
that 60% think
the photo is a fake,
while only 40% think it's real.
All 100%, however,
found it, quote...
- Quote, "sharp, clear,
and easy to masturbate to."
But we decided that
it would be better...
- All 100%, however, found it,
quote, "surprisingly easy
to masturbate to."
[laughter]
- But then it became
"surprisingly easy
to masturbate to."
Or, quote, "surprisingly easy."
- [laughs]
Elevates it a little bit.
- But that's the kind
of thing where
other people thought
we were kind of insane.
- OJ Simpson is wanted.
He's been charged
in the two murders
that took place Sunday night.
- A lot of people think
they know the story of Norm,
"Update," OJ, NBC.
But I don't think,
necessarily, they do.
- F. Lee Bailey said this week
that if the defense only
knew what Ron Goldman's
last words were,
they might be able
to find the real killer.
You know, if you ask me,
Goldman's last words
were probably, uh,
hey, you're OJ Simpson!
[laughter, applause]
- The OJ murders happened...
Still unsolved... uh...
- To this day.
- To this day.
And you and Norm start
doing jokes about
how it's quite clear
that he is the murderer.
- Was OJ Simpson high on speed
the night of the murders?
Absolutely not, said defense
attorney Johnnie Cochran today.
And a simple test
of any of OJ's blood
found at the crime scene
will prove it.
[laughter]
- Hey, Norm, what's up?
It's OJ.
- Oh, OJ!
OJ Simpson's new fitness video
was released this week.
Oh, no! OJ has struck again.
How about that?
It was revealed this week, the
defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran
once abused his first wife.
In his defense, Cochran said,
"Hey, at least I didn't kill her
like some people I know."
- That would make them
exponentially funnier.
Just the sheer volume...
- I felt that way.
- Yeah.
- It was usually OJ thought
he was making a great point,
but incriminating himself
instead.
- In a brilliant move
during closing arguments,
Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran
put on the knit cap prosecutors
say OJ wore the night
he committed the murders,
although OJ may have hurt
his case when he suddenly
blurted out,
hey, hey, easy with that!
That's my lucky stabbin' hat!
[laughter]
- What you come to realize is
that the head of the network,
Don Ohlmeyer,
who's best friends with OJ,
doesn't like these jokes.
- I believe OJ did not do this.
I don't think
the media in this town
believes that
OJ did not do this.
They're trying to portray this
like a football game.
- He didn't like Norm's comedy.
Jim was devoted to Norm.
I loved Norm as well.
It was all like
his personal taste
should be the thing
that decides things.
It wasn't the kind of comedy
he was used to.
And also they were making
a lot of jokes about OJ,
and that's when it started.
- In his book,
OJ Simpson says that
he would have taken a bullet
or stood in front of a train
for Nicole.
Man, I'm gonna tell you,
that is some bad luck,
when the one guy
who would have died for you
kills you.
[laughter]
- He was respectful.
And it was never
a fuck-you attitude,
but he was just like,
who's this guy gonna
talk to me about
what's funny and not funny
and what we're allowed to say?
- Like we were not gonna
make jokes about OJ.
- There's a lot of people
in this town,
when he's proved innocent,
who are going to look
at you guys
and the stuff you put on the air
in a totally different way.
They're just not
gonna believe you.
- They joked, and they just
were like, oh,
you want us to lay off
the OJ jokes?
Well, why don't we do more?
- Don Ohlmeyer said to me,
they're not funny.
And I said, no,
they're not funny to you,
but they are funny
to the audience that, uh,
is watching the show.
- The idea that
the head of the network
is supporting
someone who clearly
is a murderer,
and therefore insisting
on the firing of people
based on their jokes
about the murder, is unheard of.
- We, the jury in
the above entitled action,
find the defendant,
Orenthal James Simpson,
not guilty
of the crime of murder.
- Now the fake news.
Well, it is finally official.
Murder is legal
in the state of California.
[laughter, applause]
- Don, he was...
You gotta fire Norm and Jim.
And I obviously wasn't
gonna consider that
till the season was over.
He just kept pounding on it.
I said, do not do this.
If you want to make
this decision
at the end of the season,
Norm, maybe he was ready
to leave anyway,
and we'll decide then.
But he overruled me.
It's, I think,
the only time that anybody
actually overruled me.
And he kind of had
the critics on his side.
And so, uh, he did it.
It was a disaster.
It tore us apart.
- The phone rings,
and it's Michael Shoemaker
saying, a couple things.
Chris Farley is dead,
and you and Norm are fired.
[laughs]
Norm was really devastated.
My attitude was, hey,
we got three and a half
fun seasons out of it.
And, like, I'll take
a year off, you know?
- This guy Don Ohlmeyer,
he goes, uh, oh, yeah,
I'm, uh... I'm firing you there
from the show.
And then I said, uh,
oh, that's not good.
You know.
And then I said,
why is that now?
And he goes, uh,
oh, you're not...
You know, you're not funny.
- Yeah.
- And then I said, uh...
I said, holy lord, that's
even worse news, you know?
[laughter]
- When Norm passed away,
just about everybody
did not know
that he was that sick.
People went back and they
started looking at
these mash-ups,
his best "Update" jokes,
and you just saw this
barrage of really great,
fantastic, timeless jokes
delivered perfectly.
And it was just
a great tribute to what
you two guys made together.
- That's all for now, folks.
Good night.
Thanks a lot.
Enjoy.
[cheers and applause]
- It takes a special person
to be able to write something,
spend so much time doing it,
and then give it
to somebody else,
and just not have
that sad desire
to need to get the laugh
yourself.
- I thought Jim was an actor
because I'd seen him
on "Letterman."
- When you know Jim's face,
then you see him
in all those little things
over the years.
[jazzy music]
- Hi, I'm Craig.
I'm thinking of taking
a vacation in Jurassic Park.
I'm gonna go through it
once more.
I'm not the sort of person
who starts a job
and walks away from it.
- Much has been said
about Jeffrey Epstein.
Terrible things have been...
- No, Jeff...
I'm talking about Jeff Epstein,
the New York financier.
[laughter]
- Yes!
We're talking about
the same Jeff Epstein.
- No.
- Yes!
- No.
- Yes!
- Andy, I've been
dating your dad.
- Like, my dad, dad?
- It's gotten
extraordinarily physical.
[cheers and applause]
- Downey commits
a thousand percent,
and they really do go at it.
- Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
- If it were up to me,
we'd be putting up drywall
on your vagina building today.
- Well, I appreciate that, Jim.
I really do.
- But in the current climate...
- Downey's so present.
In "Billy Madison,"
I recognized him
from "Change Bank."
- We wanted Jim
to be the principal
and called him up, and he said,
yeah, yeah, what about this?
And he wrote the most
quoted thing from that movie.
- Mr. Madison,
what you've just said
is one of the most
insanely idiotic things
I have ever heard.
At no point in your rambling,
incoherent response
were you even close
to anything that could be
considered a rational thought.
Everyone in this room
is now dumber
for having listened to it.
I award you no points...
- [laughs]
- And may God have mercy
on your soul.
- Yeah, man.
I mean, I think Downey said that
to me and Farley
several times in real life.
[funky music]
- You also were in
a Paul Thomas Anderson movie
as well.
People forget about that.
- He just had this notion
that I was
the perfect guy
to play that part.
So I go, oh, OK.
- "There Will Be Blood" is
one of my favorite movies
of that decade,
and Jim was in it.
- Can everything
around here be got?
- Sure.
- He really is,
as a sketch performer,
a really good actor.
- We will take our clients'
money and invest it.
Part of the profit,
we'll keep for ourselves.
The rest,
we will give to the client.
We will make a list
of our clients
and how much money each of
them has given us to invest.
We will keep this list
in a safe place.
If we have time,
we will make a copy of the list
in case something happens
to the first list.
- At "Saturday Night Live,"
the writers have a lot of power.
- I want a piece of you, Potter!
Why, I oughta pound you!
[shouting]
- The shape of the kind of
things that you do at "SNL,"
the degree of control
you can have...
- Is there a particular moment
when you said to yourself,
it's just...
It's just not my night?
- Probably when the mountain
lion urinated on me.
- I know I would never
find anywhere else.
[jazzy music]
I'd been away from the show
for a couple years,
and then Don Ohlmeyer left
the network.
It seemed like a few minutes
after he left,
Lorne's like, he's gone, right?
It's official?
Then he called me and said, hey,
I'd like you to come back
to the show.
I remembered
my friends telling me,
if you go back to the show
after being fired twice,
we'll lose all respect for you.
- I did not say that.
- Lawrence did not say that.
- Yeah.
- Lorne made it very clear that
he wanted me to be a specialist.
- Good evening.
This is the CBS Evening
Anthrax Update,
Dan Rather reporting.
All right, this just in.
CBS News now confirming
that I have anthrax.
Now, to sum up where we stand
at the moment,
Rather, anthrax.
Blitzer, anthrax,
attacked by a squirrel.
- Politics wasn't
always considered,
like, a hot property.
- Where have you been?
- Certainly not
in the early years.
- Ah, guten Tag.
[speaking German]
- Each decade sort of kicked up
to where more and more
people were actually
interested in political comedy.
- I don't run around saying,
Bob Dole does this
and Bob Dole does that.
That's not something
Bob Dole does.
- Jim was like the king
in the cold open world.
- Stay on the track.
Stay the course.
Thousand points of light.
[laughter]
- Governor Dukakis, rebuttal?
- I can't believe
I'm losing to this guy.
[laughter]
- Jim prided himself on
that he was
an impartial, uh, satirist.
- We did not feel
it was our job to have
a political point of view.
- There's no one I like.
I'm looking to make fun
of anything
that comes down the pike.
- This film, "Independence Day,"
tells the story of a young,
idealistic,
compassionate president
who's facing a crisis.
Frustrated in his personal life
and unable to realize his
vision for the country
due to a hostile Congress.
But suddenly,
everything turns around
and he's able to achieve
true greatness
when aliens invade Earth
and a helicopter crash
kills his wife.
I love this movie.
- He kept me honest sometimes.
Sometimes I'd have an idea
that was a little
too undermined by sort of
how partisan it was
or something.
- I want to be around
for a long time,
on the job,
making the tough decisions,
24/7.
That's 24 hours a week...
[laughter]
Seven months a year.
- In the first five years
of the show,
I bet we opened
with a political piece
maybe two or three times a year.
- It became more urgent in 2000.
These campaigns were
vulnerable to the swing voter.
They were trying
to get their hands on,
who is this guy, Gore?
Who is this guy, Bush?
[applause]
Those performances,
and what you gave the actors
to do with those characters,
gave people a handle
on those characters
that they didn't have
before that night.
- I remember looking
at the script,
and I said, is that
as good as I think it is?
- Governor Bush,
you said the following.
Quote, "More seldom than not,
the movies
"gives us exquisite sex
and wholesome violence
"that underscores our values.
"Every two child did.
I will."
End quote.
[laughter]
What did you mean by that?
[laughter]
- [clears throat] Pass.
[laughter, applause]
- I'm just silently just
screaming with joy in my head,
oh, my God, he's...
He's literally
schooling the entire show on
how to write political comedy.
- Now, under my plan,
Etta's prescription drugs
would be covered.
Under my opponent's plan,
her house would be burned
to the ground,
and that is wrong.
- I believe that some of his
figures may be "in-ack-urate."
[laughter]
- We are almost out of time,
so I will instead
ask each candidate
to sum up in a single word
the best argument
for his candidacy.
Governor Bush?
- Strategery.
[laughter]
- The whole country was
saying strategery.
- The word strategery.
- It's become part
of the lexicon.
- As "The New York Times" put
it, the national consciousness.
- You know, I've always been
a big fan
of "Saturday Night Live."
- Clearly,
the candidates have taken
their appearances on
the late-night show seriously.
- Although I'm a big fan,
I have seen
some things on the show
I thought were,
in a word, offensible.
- The most important political
writing of this election year.
- Jim, your reaction?
- Well, I'd like to hear more
from Lawrence in that vein.
I thought he was
on to something.
- And the thing you have to
know about the undecided voter
is that they don't consume
any information
from the political media.
- If they had,
they wouldn't be undecided...
- They do catch
things like this.
- We are America's
undecided voters.
Before you get our vote,
you're gonna have to answer
some questions.
- When is the election?
How soon do we have to decide?
- What are the names
of the two people running?
And be specific.
- Who is the president
right now?
Is he or she running?
- What happens
if the president dies?
Has anyone thought about
who would replace him?
What's your plan, gentlemen?
- Somehow,
that set this pattern,
so that, ever since then,
whenever there's
an election year,
there's this sort of
expectation...
Well, we have to have
debate pieces.
- So don't be telling me
that I'm part
of the Washington elite
because I come from
the absolute worst place
on Earth,
Scranton, Pennsylvania.
And Wilmington, Delaware's
not much better.
- Governor Palin.
- Oh, are we not doing
the talent portion?
[laughter, applause]
- And it was becoming
this gigantic part.
- We'll work on you.
It's gonna take time.
[chuckles]
Maybe for four more years.
- Our politics has never
calmed down since 2000.
"SNL" became absolutely
mandatory in American politics
and is to this day.
[microphone feedback, applause]
[jazzy music]
- Your Honor, I'd like to say
something if I could, please.
- Excuse me, are you
a relative of the plaintiff?
- I am her mother.
[laughter]
- And what is your occupation?
- I am a barfly.
[laughter]
- I'm a barfly.
- I am a barfly.
- I am a barfly.
- And by that you mean
you loiter in bars
waiting for men you don't know
to buy you drinks?
- That is correct, Your Honor.
[laughter]
- Just hours ago,
it was made apparent to me
that I am not, as I have
long believed myself to be,
a licensed bikini inspector.
[laughter]
As experts have shown,
the official
bikini inspector license
upon which I base
this assertion is a forgery.
And indeed, no such
medical specialty exists.
To the hundreds
and hundreds of women
I may have wronged, albeit
with the best of intentions,
I can now only offer
my most sincere
and heartfelt apologies.
- This is a sidewalk costume.
- A sidewalk costume?
- Yeah. I mean, you know,
we don't recommend it
for blind kids.
I mean, you know, there's
a warning right on the label.
"Invisible Pedestrian,
not for blind kids."
[laughter]
- Did Bob Dole grow up in Canada
in a small farm town?
Didn't have the prep school
education
or the sterling silverware,
or the bumper pool table
in the basement.
Didn't have the shower massage,
the five-way adjustable head.
- The deficit, like
many of our problems,
will ultimately be solved
if we can legalize
and federally fund
female circumcisions.
- Larry, please, let's hit
the fast-forward button,
because we've heard this before.
See, now, folks,
we'd all like better schools,
less crime,
and female circumcision, right?
There's nothing better
in the world
than female circumcision.
But where is the money
gonna come from?
- I think you'll
really like Stu.
He's absolutely
the most sincere,
genuine, straightforward person
you'll ever want to meet.
A real honest guy.
- Mm.
- What a jerk he is.
- Listen, we'll...
We'll talk quietly
so as not to disturb you, OK?
- Oh, you won't disturb me.
I'll be in my room masturbating.
They won't disturb me.
I'll be masturbating.
- Live long...
[laughter]
And be happy.
[laughter, applause]
- This guy here
is the best writer
that I ever worked with
at "Saturday Night Live."
He's my friend.
And if anybody messes with him,
they're messing with me.
And they're messing, um,
with the local union here,
which I have, uh,
talked to about anything
that might happen here tonight.
[cacophonous piano melody]
Jaws
- Jaws, get away from me
- Get away from me
Jaws
- They had been fooling around
with this "Jaws" theme
since, like, 19...
Since the movie came out.
- It was just their running
bit, you know, for years.
- You took and you made me
You made me
Made me part of you
- Made me a part of you
- I remember
Maya in my hotel room,
and Downey on the phone
singing that,
and you and I are both
frantically writing.
And I'm up in the music thing
with Paul Shaffer.
I think Bill's gonna come.
We don't know.
And then here comes Bill in a...
Literally in a Hawaiian shirt
or whatever.
And then we were on... on TV.
- By the way, we seem like
we're playing it cool.
But, like, these are the guys
we had boners for.
- You bastard, Jaws!
[cheers and applause]
- I have to believe
it's some kind of record
for the longest time
between the original idea
and the execution,
which would be 40 years,
just about.
[soft music]
- Jim is a brilliant artist,
and he's working
in this amazing medium
called sketch comedy,
and he's really defined it.
- He could get a laugh from
the intro before the cold open.
- A panel think tank nerds
excitedly discusses
some topic no one else
cares about, followed by
long, incoherent questions
from even nerdier members
of the audience.
- Like, those little,
like, jokes,
that is not easy to do.
Shout out to Jim Downey, man.
[laughter, applause]
- As a person who loves the show
with my whole heart,
I want people to understand
who he is.
He's so much
a fabric of the show.
- Es Senor Eliot Ness!
- You know, we would say
when we'd write our movies...
This is fucking 10 years
after we left the show...
We'd be like...
[inhales sharply]
I think Downey would like that.
That's how fucking insane
we are with Downey.
Oh, yeah, all right.
[speaking gibberish]
[laughter]
[speaking gibberish]
- I think comedy writers
in general,
for whatever reason,
they feel like the world is
a bit of a swindle and a lie,
and they want to point that out
and laugh at it.
Jim was so wonderful
at making comedy
out of the way
people relate to each other.
The way they misunderstand
each other,
talk to each other,
conversational failings,
the depth it can go to
in revealing human behavior
is as deep as people can go.
Plus the two
with Dave Letterman.
I mean, I had three
or four separate careers
within "Saturday Night Live"
alone.
Along the way,
I became a father,
and just last February, on the
eve of the 50th anniversary,
a grandfather.
I met the love of my life
at this show.
That's how wired I am
to this place.
When I started here,
I was the youngest person
on the writing staff.
And when I left,
much the oldest.
It's cool that, you know,
I was able to do it
as long as I did,
working with some of the
funniest people on the planet
and still make a contribution.
But at a certain point, you've
proved what you need to prove,
and it's time
to quietly step aside,
and slip out the back way
unnoticed...
The Irish goodbye.
- Live from New York,
it's Saturday night!
- Ex-Lampooner Jim Downey
not only wrote for
"Saturday Night Live"
longer than anybody else,
he also created
this perennial list
read by David Letterman.
- What is the Top 10 List?
- I'm pretty sure, with respect,
if there was some news
about Jeff Epstein,
I would have heard.
- I have to tell you, he's gone.
He's dead.
- What do you mean?
- He's dead.
- He's dead?
- He's dead.
- No.
[laughs] Sorry, nice try.
[jazzy music]
- Shit, if I was at home,
and I saw this,
I'd be like,
who the fuck is Jim Downey?
- Why would we do
a documentary on a writer?
- I think it's great
that Lorne has found
another way to make money,
uh, by doing films
about staff members.
- God, it's so hard
to distill the Downer.
- Maybe they won't know
his face,
but everybody knows his work.
- Governor Bush?
- Strategery.
[laughter]
- Mmm, Colon Blow.
Sounds delicious.
- Have you ever made love
on one of the five
existing copies
of the Magna Carta?
- Remember when
you were with the Beatles?
[laughter, applause]
- Sure, sure.
- That was awesome.
[laughter]
- Jim's good work
is just as funny now
as it was when he did it,
whether it was in 1976, 1996.
- Please, Larry!
- And look at how much comedy
has changed since
Jim Downey started
on "Saturday Night Live."
[laughter]
- It's something
I'm not gonna do.
Not gonna do it.
- [whispering]
You're a [bleep] dog.
[laughter]
- There is nobody
who knows Downey that
doesn't put him as number one.
- He was one of the reasons
I wanted to start writing.
- There's nobody else like this.
- Me, Captain.
- No, no.
- Punish me.
- Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald,
and this is the fake news.
- [operatic singing]
- His language lives here,
and without that language,
so much of this place wouldn't
have been established.
- How'd that someone get
attacked by a rabbit?
- That's what we do.
[cheers and applause]
- More than anyone, at least
for that first 20 years,
he became the voice of the show.
I would think
I probably was in the '70s,
but I more and more
began to realize
if something important
had to be said,
that I'd go to Jim on it.
[ethereal music]
[jazzy music]
- One way you could
start this, I thought,
is you hear a voice.
There's nothing
the general public hates more
than looking at
or listening to a writer talk.
This is my first office that
I shared with Bill Murray.
- Jim Downey and I,
we went to work the same week
at "Saturday Night Live."
- This was his first
encounter with, you know,
professional show business.
And because Bill Murray was
coming in as well,
I put them together
in that office.
And it was... it was not
a natural fit at the beginning.
- Like some sort of a bad
roommate movie where
we'd come in and go,
like, oh, you.
There you are, you know.
And he'd be off, like,
writing sketches,
and I'd be like, oh, hi, Jim.
[laughter]
Hi, Bill.
- But it turned into
something wonderful.
- What is your test?
- Do you see that boulder
over there?
I want you to lift it.
- That boulder is too large.
I could lift a smaller one.
- Even though we were slow
to get to know each other,
Jim Downey's the one
that I'd say that
I'm friends with, of all
the people that I work with.
- I mean, we would write
all night.
You know, crash on the couch.
Billy brought in, like,
a little hibachi grill.
He was trying to grill
a little steak or something,
and set off the sprinkler.
[alarm ringing]
And so that put a quick stop
to, you know,
our little Benihana.
[indistinct chatter]
At "Saturday Night Live,"
you come up with an idea,
and it's gonna be on
television five days later.
I mean, it's crazy.
- 10 seconds!
- There's a lot of rewriting
between dress and air.
It kicks you into that kind
of animal adrenaline state
where you either get
something remarkable,
or you fail spectacularly.
You don't get that
anywhere else.
[cheers and applause]
For those of you sitting
through this just in hopes
of learning something about
how you write
a really good sketch,
this is a formula.
And mind you, you're not
to copy this formula.
This is my formula.
- Jim invented
a type of American comedy
of, like, hyper-nuance.
- I have a fondness
for the comedy of someone
very painstakingly, laboriously
explaining something
that doesn't even need
any explanation to begin with
and also getting it wrong.
- I needed to take the bus
but all I had was a $5 bill.
I went to First CityWide,
and they were able to give me
four singles and four quarters.
[laughter]
- "Change Bank" was
a perfect example,
at length discussing something
that doesn't need explaining.
- We will work with the customer
to give that customer the change
that he or she needs.
If you come to us
with a $20 bill,
we can give you two tens.
We can give you four fives.
We can give you
a ten and two fives.
We will work with you.
- "Change Bank" is so specific.
There was an idea,
there was the attitude,
there was performance
and then the absurdity
of how far it was taken.
- We are not gonna give you
change that you don't want.
If you come to us
with a $100 bill,
we're not gonna give you
2,000 nickels.
[laughter]
- A slender premise like that
but under such controlled,
uh, execution...
- Jim gives you no indication
that anything funny is
happening here.
- Like, that was an interesting
thing about Jim's sketches,
is that you had to deliver it
so straight and so on the line.
And not just straight, but in
his rhythm that he wrote it in.
And it would work perfectly.
- Yeah, it's true.
- Thank you.
At Global Century,
we like to be completely
upfront with our clients.
That's why in our prospectus
we clearly state
that our investment advice
is often self-interested
or deceitful
and may work
to a client's disadvantage.
We think you deserve
to know that.
- Jim is deadly serious when
he's presenting you his comedy,
and the people in his comedy
are deadly serious.
- It's like, if you weren't
watching closely,
you wouldn't know
that comedy was on the TV.
- Like a lot of us here,
I followed your broker's advice
and over the last few years,
I've lost 80%
of my life savings.
- That does not surprise me
at all.
- I'd just like to say
that even though I think
you're an evil person,
and even though I came here
intending to kill you,
I've been really impressed
with your honesty.
[laughter, applause]
[soft music]
- Writing comedy is either
easy or it's impossible.
Any writer will tell you
most of their good ideas come
when they're doing something
else and they're not trying
to come up with an idea.
We're just going through
our ordinary lives,
experiencing things,
when something hits us.
The really good stuff
just flows.
You can barely write
fast enough.
That's an awful lot better
than sitting at your desk
staring at a blank legal pad.
- Hi, I'm Dale Sturtevant.
I've been raising dogs
since I was six,
and nothing has
brought me more joy
or more sheer frustration
than training a puppy.
With a very young pup,
correcting problem behavior
can be especially maddening.
And like you, I've probably
tried all the tricks...
Screaming myself hoarse,
starving them,
locking them in a closet
for days on end,
or just beating them
without mercy.
But after my third arrest
and court-ordered
anger management counseling,
I learned to channel
my rage into an effective,
nonviolent puppy training tool.
It's called "Dissing Your Dog."
- That just began
with training my dog
and just kind of cranking up
a normal experience
to silly dimensions.
- Oh, right, Margaret,
you wanted prime rib.
Here's the deal,
the Palm wasn't taking
reservations,
and I didn't want to try
Morton's because I understand
they have a new chef,
so for now, let's just go
with the ALPO.
OK, I understand it's not your
first choice,
but keep in mind...
[whispering]
You're a [bleep] dog.
[laughter]
- It's a perfectly-written
piece for Will.
It's an attitude thing
that's taken so seriously.
- When you're writing
a piece for television,
there's a million
different ways I could say,
could you turn out that light?
It's a little bright.
There aren't a million
different ways to tell a joke.
Most of what makes us laugh
is something that's true,
that just... you've never
heard it put that way before.
I'm always looking for
the perfect version
of that joke.
[jazzy music]
- It's not too late.
You could be peppers.
- Oh, this is my slave.
His name is Phil.
[laughter]
- I was in Paris.
Went to the Louvre.
I tell ya, I don't know
what the big deal is.
Just one out-of-focus sculpture
after another.
- No matter how hard you scrub,
no matter how hard you clean,
you just can't rid
your home of sewer rats.
- It was this two-part thing
of nonexistent problem,
ineffective solution.
- A problem that isn't
really a problem.
It sheds light on the way
in which the people talking
about it are the real problem.
[laughs]
- Sleepytime Rat Control.
It's not a poison.
It's not a trap.
It's a powerful sedative
that puts rats to sleep...
Deep sleep.
- I wouldn't say rats are
a nonexistent problem.
But sewer rats in your home
is a nonexistent problem.
- So why live with this...
[boinging]
- I was under the bed,
like, punching the mattress,
and then we slowed it down
and gave it
some boing, boing,
boing, boing, boing
kind of sound effects.
- When you can have this?
[sawing, lullaby playing]
- [quietly] That's more like it.
- The joy is just
watching everybody
in that ad is so committed to,
we've got the solution
to the problem.
And...[laughs]
The rats are surrounding
the bed sleeping peacefully,
but no one ever
removes the rats.
- You'll sleep better
knowing they're sleeping.
- A lot of "SNL" is just
wasting the audience's time
with a nonexistent problem
and an ineffective solution
that made someone like Jim
laugh really hard.
- Mr. President, there is
one other item on the agenda.
It seems we're scheduled
to hear a presentation
from that frontiersman.
What's his name again?
[banging]
- The name is Johnny.
Johnny Canal.
- Johnny Canal
- John Candy had
a sensibility that was
kind of close to Downey's.
They loved these
historical figures
with really stupid ideas.
- What I am proposing,
gentlemen,
is a system of canals
knitting together every corner
of this great land of ours.
- "Johnny Canal"
with John Malkovich is
number one in my Downey book.
And it has the same kind
of pace that I really liked,
and that I was not always
brave enough to pursue.
- Excuse me, Mr. Canal.
Is it your proposal
that every town,
even the tiniest villages,
have literally hundreds
of canals running
in and out of them?
- Or more!
- My favorite part
is the president
taking time to explain
why it's a bad idea.
- Well, your plan is
certainly an intriguing one,
but there are several points
that you haven't touched on.
For example, the proposed
cost of this project,
how long it would take to build,
who would maintain it
once it was built,
would these be toll canals
or free,
how would the rights to the
land be obtained, by...
- And then they do
a push-in on Malkovich
as the president explains,
and it's just pushing in
on Malkovich's face,
and you're reading
that he hasn't thought
through any of the logistics.
That is Downey's humor.
- I've never been great
at writing
plotty kind of things.
I like to establish the premise
as quickly as you can,
then we hope it's gonna be
joke, joke, joke,
joke, joke, joke,
joke, joke, joke.
It's like microwave popcorn,
where at first,
it's a flurry of...
[imitates popping]
But then, pop.
I wanted to generate jokes
that no one
had ever seen before
because they came
out of a unique premise.
You're trying to reach
a critical mass of... of laughs.
- Donde es la biblioteca?
- It's eight jokes
around a theme.
Basically, the only purpose
of the structure and the story
is to get to those jokes.
[ethereal music]
[clicking]
[gentle music]
- I'm so happy
you're doing this, Jim.
It's so exciting!
I want to know more
about young Jim.
Were you quiet, or were you
trying to make people laugh?
- When I was very little,
I understand I was very sweet.
When I was in school,
I was more of, like,
a class wit
than I was a class clown.
My dad loved practical jokes.
I remember he liked
to call his friends and go,
Jim, I'm gonna
hand you the phone
and you say you're
with the health department.
I'd go, what?
What do I have to... what?
- [laughs]
- When I was a junior in high
school, I was in Chicago,
and I saw the "Harvard Lampoon
Life Magazine" parody.
I thought it was
the funniest thing.
It was the first thing
that really spoke to me.
That's what made me want
to particularly go to Harvard.
- I went to Harvard...
[clears throat]
High School,
so I'm almost as smart.
- This would be
one of our issues
that was done
when I was president.
- The "Lampoon" is the oldest
comedy magazine
in the United States.
I mean, most college
humor magazines meet
in a basement somewhere.
The "Lampoon" is this
crazy Flemish castle
that's right near
Harvard Square.
[rock music]
- In 1972, we did a parody
of "Cosmopolitan Magazine."
- That's the famous pinup
of Henry Kissinger.
Burt Reynolds had posed
on a rug like that.
- It would just infuriate
most people to go,
this is what these
Harvard assholes are
doing with their education.
- But you can make stuff
that influences the culture.
- Earlier this month,
Harvard University's
humor magazine,
the "Harvard Lampoon,"
sent movie star John Wayne
a letter.
[jazzy music]
- We challenged John Wayne
to come to Cambridge,
Massachusetts.
At this point, he was
extremely unpopular
on the Harvard campus.
It was like
a three-day phenomenon.
[static droning]
- "Duke," John Wayne, was mobbed
in Cambridge,
Massachusetts, today.
Police and soldiers
had to convoy him
into a Harvard Square theater
to face a roasting.
[cheers and applause]
- We had that place,
absolutely every seat, filled.
- Hi!
- I was one of the speakers.
I have known John Wayne
a very long time.
[laughter]
And...
[laughter]
That was maybe the first
forays into public speaking
where I was trying
to make people laugh.
Biggest thing
I've ever been involved with.
We were on the front page
of every newspaper
on planet Earth.
I concentrated in
Russian studies at Harvard,
but I spent most of my time
at the "Lampoon,"
so I pretty much majored
in the "Harvard Lampoon."
By the time senior year
rolled around,
I just sort of woke up
and realized
I had not given any thought
to what I was gonna do
with the rest of my life.
- Live from New York,
it's Saturday night!
[cheers and applause]
- NBC's Saturday night!
- "Saturday Night Live"
started up
at just the right time.
I sometimes think about that,
wow, how my life has unfolded.
Huge element of chance.
When I was hired at
"Saturday Night Live"
I was 24
and the only writer who wore
a suit to the group photo.
That quickly changed.
1976 to 1980, I'm writing, like,
three or four pieces a week.
- Fred Garvin...
- You're constantly...
- Male prostitute.
- Throwing stuff out there.
- [grumbles]
- Come on in!
- You're not operating
out of any playbook.
You don't know
what can't be done.
You go, like, how about this?
- You don't suppose he'll make
me squeal like a pig, do you?
- And then the argument is,
why can't we do that?
- Let me show you.
I play with it all the time.
[laughter]
- And then the grown-ups go,
actually,
I guess you can do that.
- What a marvelous
entertainment, Salisbury.
And these chopped steaks
are delicious,
especially with this
exquisite mushroom sauce.
- Well, thank you.
Coming from you, Worcestershire,
that certainly is a compliment.
[laughter]
- The Earl of Sandwich.
- The Earl of Sandwich.
It's a setup.
- Your Lordship.
- You knew with Jim,
there was a turn coming.
There was some moment
where he was going
to reveal to you that
everything up to this point
had been serving a purpose.
- Lord and Lady Douchebag!
[laughter, applause]
[whistling]
- I think we had been holding
on to Lord and Lady Douchebag
for, like, four years.
- Douchebag, how are you?
[laughter]
- You could tell that
the audience was so thrilled...
- Right.
- That we were doing
that kind of material.
- Tell me, Douchebag,
when are you going to show us
that invention of yours?
- Yes, Douchebag,
just what kind of an invention
are you sitting on?
[laughter]
- It was all the stuff
that we wanted to do,
and we saved it for the end.
[ethereal music]
- There's a saying that
we used to use in the '70s,
that if you want to kill
somebody talented,
let them do
everything they want.
And that was sort of
what was happening.
We were unprepared
for the level of success
and attention that we got,
so, uh, people were
offered all sorts of things.
People had more money
than they'd ever had,
so it just changes things.
And, uh... and that's sort
of the price of success.
The sun got too hot.
I think people
were proud of what
we'd done in the first five,
and...[chuckles]
Uh, we left.
[static droning, clicks]
- From New York,
home of courteous service
and a relaxing atmosphere,
it's "Late Night
with David Letterman."
- That summer,
my mom called me and said,
are you watching this guy
David Letterman's show?
I said, no.
Oh, my God, Jim, it's...
It's the funniest show.
It's, no offense,
so much funnier than
"Saturday Night Live,"
so much funnier.
- What's, uh... what's next
for you two gentlemen?
- Oh, we'll be down
in the, uh, Caribbean.
We're gonna be seizing
an Aramco, uh, oil tanker.
- OK.
- I just love it.
I just love the whole
sensibility of it.
I love the silliness
and the braininess of it.
He was himself.
He was standing apart.
- Letterman's show was not
only innovative, but it was...
It was original.
But I think Jim was
a big part of that.
- Fall of '81,
and Dave Letterman
contacted me and said,
hey, we're putting together
a writing staff.
- I thought, this is
gonna be fantastic.
Jim will be here
two or three years.
This will be great
for the show, great for me,
and hopefully great for Jim.
- My day became
basically sitting alone
in an office with Dave
for, like, three hours,
trying to sell him on stuff.
He was a genius at
flicking pencils
into the acoustic tiles.
You'd look up, it was just
bristling with pencils.
And I would go, like,
Dave, what about this?
There's a three-alarm fire
in the studio.
He'd go, uh-uh.
Uh-uh. You know?
- Let me introduce you to our
head writer, Mr. Jim Downey.
Jim, come on in.
[applause]
Frank Zappa.
And you know, of course,
Gerard and Bob.
- Hi, Jim.
- Uh, what do we have on tap
tomorrow night, Jim?
- Uh, we sort of thought
you might throw
one of your blue cards at Paul
and put his eye out.
[laughter]
[jazzy music]
- I can remember
in this hallway,
I started talking to Jim,
and he was making me laugh
so hard.
That's when I thought,
oh, my God, I think
this may be
the funniest human I know.
- Sometimes I...
I wear shirts without
really reading what's on them.
[laughter]
- It's crazy.
You know how much time
he must have spent
with David Letterman?
Like, just in a think tank,
combing over politicians,
news of the day.
- Ouch!
- Barry White has
just been bitten
by a northern copperhead.
- I don't want to die, David.
- I think audiences want you
to think of things
that they couldn't think of.
[laughter]
At "Letterman,"
we were conscious of trying
to teach the audience
to appreciate things
they might not have
appreciated before.
- Someone sent this
postcard to us in the mail.
What you have here
is something called
the world's largest vase.
We thought it would be
interesting
if we could find out just
exactly where this vase was.
- I mean, we would do
running jokes that,
the first time, it died.
We said, no, damn it,
this is funny.
I'm sorry, they're wrong.
You didn't laugh the first
time, but here it is again.
- You have
the world's largest vase.
- Uh, that's right.
- Uh, all right.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna ask you
to get a grip
on yourself now, and...
- Deliberately wasting
the audience's time,
I can't think
of that many people
who have had
the vision to follow through
with that besides Jim.
- Well, here... here it is,
the world's largest vase.
- It generated, like,
five or six different pieces
that we did on the show.
There was, like,
a black tie event.
And then we had
the next night where
it was the changing
of the guard.
- We are adding
a 35.5-inch radio transmitting
tower to the vase.
Oh, my God, this is television.
This is on American television.
- I don't even know
if you'd call them sketches.
I don't know what... what you'd
call what we did on that show.
- [laughs]
Oh, my God.
"Children's Letters
to the World's Largest Vase."
This is all you need to know
about Jim Downey, right here.
- That era of "Letterman"
was the most exciting TV
I had ever seen.
It had this confidence
of, like, this is what it is,
and you're watching it,
and you're gonna keep watching,
'cause we got you.
And it's like,
yeah, you fucking got me.
- Are you still wrestling?
- No, not... not really.
But I am having
a very good time,
though, with myself.
- Uh-huh.
[laughter]
And that period of time was
really beneficial to us
because it then
helped attract, uh,
other really good writers
to our show.
[applause]
- We did do some, I think,
some really good things.
- Now you can blow out
the match.
- You're in town visiting?
- Well, um, next month,
uh, we'll be
appearing in Atlantic City.
- Jim, come on in.
[applause]
This is Frank Zappa,
and you know...
Lorne started something
called "The New Show."
And, uh, everybody fled.
I wish we would have had
more time with Jim.
[clicks, static droning]
- Good evening, and welcome
to "The New Show."
[orchestral music]
[phone rings]
- Hello, Roy's Food Repair.
Yeah, eggs?
Yeah, we fix 'em.
[laughter]
- According to the Fort
Lauderdale Police Department,
are the five most common
causes of injury
suffered by students
on spring break.
- We did "The New Show,"
which was...
[imitates explosion]
That's an example of why
you want to do stuff live,
'cause, um,
that didn't work.
- Hello, it's the Naughty Lady.
- It's her!
It's the Naughty Lady.
- Hot dang!
[projector whirring]
[soft piano music]
- 1984, I was on staff at "SNL"
and Jim Downey returned
to the show.
The prodigal son came home.
One of the high points
of my life
was sharing an office with Jim.
We were right off
the read-through room.
- Oh, give me a break!
Burned to a crisp.
Why do I keep forgetting
to wear an oven mitt?
Ow! Ow!
Ow, ow!
- We never really had
had a head writer, per se.
I tried to help every piece be
the best version of itself.
It sounds corny,
but it's the truth.
- And I do have this memory of
other cast members and writers
lining up outside
on Tuesday night,
sometimes well, well,
well into the night,
to run their sketches past Jim.
- When I first started, people
would wait outside your office
to get time with you.
- Midnight to 3:00 a.m.,
I would camp outside the door.
And you would wait, and you
would wait, and you would wait.
And then around 1:30,
he'd crack it.
- And the door would open,
and I'd go, hey, Jim.
And you'd want to test
the idea on him to see,
should we pursue this?
Or is it just awful?
- He knew how to take
what we wrote and just go,
well, you don't want
to say that.
You want to say this.
- We'd go over Hanz and Franz,
and he'd come up with, like,
three different fixes.
Listen to me now
and believe me later.
You can't count
all the stars, Franz.
It's like trying to count
all your muscles.
- Even if you have
a sketch that's good,
he can always throw his magic
wand on it and make it better.
- What I was trying to create
for the performer was
an attitude to sort of
sink into, you know?
- An overall concept
of a thing being funny
and not just, like, setup,
punchline, setup, punchline.
The Receptionist was
that sort of attitude.
- Hi, I'm here
to see Mr. Clark.
- OK, and you are?
- Kenneth Hornaday.
- Right.
I put that together
and Downey goes,
I like that attitude.
I like what you're doing.
It's not joke-heavy.
So he sort of steered it.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Hi, there.
Hi.
- Yeah, I'm here
to see Dick Clark.
- Uh-huh.
And you are?
- Tell him it's Hammer.
- And he would know you
because you...
- Look, it's Hammer.
You know, like Madonna.
- Right, and she is...
[laughter]
- Your mama.
Never mind. Forget it.
- On "SNL," you could be
a genius Saturday night,
and then by Tuesday,
if you didn't have an idea,
you felt like the biggest
failure, if you were a writer.
- The worst part is you go in
and you tell him
your sketch idea, and he goes,
I can't tell you why
that wouldn't work.
I just... I don't think
that it's gonna work.
So you walk out there
at 3:00 a.m. going,
I have to start over.
Read-through's tomorrow.
I go knock on Smigel.
Need help with anything?
Housekeeping.
- You write it yourself,
and you go,
I don't know, is this any good?
And then when you take it
to someone like Jim Downey,
and he says it's really good,
then suddenly you go,
well, if Jim thinks it's good,
it must be good,
so I'm fine.
- It wasn't until I did
the national anthem sketch...
Oh
Say
An ooh ee
By the dawn's
Early light
That he went nuts over,
that made me feel like,
I think I did something here.
- Jim had such respect
from everyone.
He would give you confidence.
- I loved a great impression.
And you bring to that really
good writing to the character,
that's pretty hard to top.
- Yeah, yeah.
- My approval ratings
are down a little bit.
Don't like the direction
they're taking.
This is good here.
That's good.
That's... that's bad.
[laughter]
Worse.
- Dana would duplicate
the character,
and then he would italicize it
and stretch it
and pull it out of shape.
- Notice I didn't say recession.
Well, as an undecided
Latino voter...
Natural disaster.
Not my fault.
And then we had this one phrase,
which I remember specifically.
You wrote it.
On the paper it was,
not going to do it.
And that became...
- And it became, nah-gah-dah.
- On the cue card.
Not gonna do it.
Not gonna do it.
Ah-gah-bah.
Once the audience went
with that, we had them.
We're not gonna lose
Not gonna do it
Not gah, not gah
Not gonna do it
[jazzy music]
- You, watching this at home,
worship me!
I command you,
become my willing thralls
and live eternally!
- That much oat bran...
- What the hell do you think
you're doing?
- You tell somebody a joke,
most people will make it worse,
but there's 10% who will
bring it back to you better.
And so that's why we introduced
the Thursday rewrites,
to have everyone there
offer up quick suggestions.
We never had rewrites in the
first five years of the show.
I added them when
you joined the show...
- When I joined the show.
It was like,
this guy's gonna need...
- He's gonna want...
- A little bit of tweaking.
- What happens at read-through
stays at read-through.
You're free
to, like, take a shot,
and it was important
because it meant people
were willing to take chances.
You always had that
first wave of relief
of, like, oh, OK,
we came up with something.
It was written up.
But the fear of death
at the table
is really significant.
- Where is Canteen Boy?
- [chuckles]
He's right over there.
[laughter]
- Downey looked out for me
my whole time at the show.
My stuff didn't do that great
at read-through,
and Jim always kind of said,
I don't know, just...
That one, give... let Adam just
give it a shot at that.
- Let's go, scouts.
- He mentioned Alec Baldwin
being a scout leader
and him wanting to be alone
with the Canteen Boy.
- I wanted to talk to you
about something.
I see you take a lot of
ribbing from the other scouts.
- Goes with the territory,
Mr. Armstrong.
Sticks and stones.
[chuckles]
- [laughs]
Atta boy.
[laughter, groaning]
- Jim gave me that one.
That was a monster.
That was, like, one of my
biggest things that I ever had.
- Took on another level
with Downey,
where it's like the performance
is part of the concept.
- It should be noted,
when you have one line
in a Jim Downey sketch,
you are going to have
a long conversation
about exactly how he'd
like you to say that line.
- It was word for word.
Like, he would take you
through sentence by sentence.
And that's not an exaggeration.
- Blueprints that
you want to build the house
exactly to those plans.
- Sometimes between
dress and air,
where you're like,
oh, my God, Jim,
we're gonna run out of time.
How are we going to go over this
beat by beat by beat?
- But he also had such love
for a cast
that could bring performance
to his work.
- The other cast members would
be slightly pissed at you.
Like, how the fuck did you
get Downey on your side?
- I think, uh, the initials, uh,
JD on a sketch, that, I think,
helped improve its odds.
- He's picking the sketches,
so if he's on your team,
it's great.
- Now, this is Lorne's office,
largely unchanged.
The board has every sketch
indicated by
a little three-by-five card.
I'd be in here with Lorne.
There'd be a lot of... of people
coming up to the board.
Like, writers going, like,
uh, are you fucking kidding me?
We're doing "Elevator Ride"?
Jesus.
[jazzy music]
We take what we do
very seriously,
but it is a lot easier when
you're having a good time.
- Oh!
- Nice one!
- Oh!
- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo!
- Oh, my God!
- Bob Odenkirk was
writing at the show.
We were sent these soft vinyl...
Like a baseball.
We're sitting there in rewrites,
and Bob is, like,
undoing the stitching.
It took him all day and he
finally unraveled the thing.
It was very quickly
discovered that if you threw
this shit really hard
at the wall, it would stick.
And so Jack Handey and
Odenkirk invented this game.
- Oh!
- The idea was to hit
the goo with the dart.
- No, no, no. God, no.
Jesus, Conan.
- I'm sorry, I'm thinking
of old goo rules.
- Yes, old goo.
You throw the darts in a pattern
to deflect the goo...
- Ah.
- So that... and you create
either a shunt or a... a fence.
There were different terms
for the different
types of barriers.
- Oh! Sorry.
- It's, like,
1:00 in the morning,
and everyone's having
a great time.
And they pan around the room,
and I'm just like this.
- [laughs]
- I'm just looking at
my script and just...
- Yes.
The equivalent of
the royal flush
was to create
what's called a cradle...
[laughter]
Where you'd create, like,
a semicircular pattern
of darts so the goo would
roll into it and get trapped.
- Yeah!
- But you could also
slow the goo down
and give another player
time to cradle it.
- You realize
it's not a real sport?
- Well, tell that to
the American Goo Federation.
- What I have found
in comedy writing,
particularly,
is that screwing around is
80% of the job
and somehow necessary.
Years and years of my life have
been spent in a writers' room
with us howling, playing with
some stupid prop in the room.
- Yes.
- And when you try and go home
and explain it to your wife,
it doesn't make any sense.
But somehow,
it's part of the process.
- This exchange,
which I will never forget...
- [laughs]
- From your audition.
Surely this will be familiar.
- Yes.
- All right.
- OK, so this is Scarface...
- And the Church...
- Church Lady.
- Scarface and the Church Lady.
- [as Scarface]
Lady, let me tell you.
Let me tell you, lady.
You look like
a big bowl of fuck.
- [laughing]
- [as Church Lady]
Well, isn't that special?
[normal voice] Perfect.
That's, like, perfect comedy.
[as Lorne]
Uh, the show is over.
We're canceling it
in the middle.
There'll be a TV movie
of the week.
It was...
[laughter]
[jazzy music]
- I am Uberman.
I have superhuman powers.
- Two wild and crazy guys!
- You need a good attorney
in your corner.
- This is impossible.
Uh, can't we just
hire them both?
- No. We've been through this.
We've only got the budget
for one dancer.
- Yeah, but they're both
so great.
I can't decide between them.
- I always forget that
he wrote "Chippendales,"
because that, to me, is one
of my favorite of all time.
[laughter]
[Loverboy's
"Working for the Weekend"]
- That premise came to me
because of the host,
because Swayze.
- Will you come out tonight
Everyone's trying
to get it right
Get it right
- "Chippendales,"
I was 10 feet away
just watching it going,
goddamn, this is good.
And you don't know.
They go, "Chippendales,"
and they go,
OK, next, uh, 30 seconds.
And everyone just runs off,
and you don't even think twice.
You're just running
to the next thing.
You don't know,
I just witnessed history.
- Everybody needs
a second chance, oh
[jazzy music]
- [growls] Fire bad!
[shouting, grunting]
- You crazy bitch!
I'll kill you!
- You're not a man,
you're a joke!
- [screams]
- It's almost unimaginable today
to comprehend a private life
as emotionally charged
as the Lincolns'.
- You're a sick woman, Mary!
[cracking, rumbling]
- the complexities
of modern life and warfare.
- I hate you!
- It's amazing how much
of the tension and struggle
of that show just
is somehow built-in.
It was hard for me.
I think it's hard for anybody
over time to not go,
if only I could have two more
weeks to rehearse this,
and maybe rewrite this stuff,
and try to have
a higher laugh ratio.
I wonder what he thinks
about the built-in degree
of expectation falling short.
- I had been basically miserable
my last couple years doing it.
That was a time
when I should have
taken a year off on my own.
And then I was fired
as producer in...
At the end
of the '94-'95 season.
[tense music]
- At a certain point,
you've done enough work
that you're competing
with yourself,
so it becomes harder and harder.
And you want to stay fresh
and you want to stay original,
and...
And most of all,
you want to stay funny.
So that is just how it works.
[projector whirring]
- You know, I had a lot of...
I thought there were some
productive years there.
Norm, meanwhile,
is calling me like,
hey, hey, hey, Jim,
we gotta do "Update," huh?
[exciting music]
- "Weekend Update"
with Norm MacDonald.
- Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Thanks.
Thank you.
I'm Norm Macdonald,
and this is the news.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump
announced this week
that after 3 1/2 years
of marriage,
he is seeking a divorce
from wife Marla Maples.
According to Trump,
Maples violated part
of their marriage agreement
when she decided to turn 30.
- Working with Norm was so fun.
That was a very happy period.
- And in music news,
number one on the college
charts this summer
was Better Than Ezra.
And at number two, Ezra.
- Oh, my God, he just
dared people to laugh.
Norm just couldn't care less.
- A French man who calls
himself the Snake Man
was arrested this week
after climbing up the side
of a Manhattan high-rise.
Yep, he climbed right up
the side of a high-rise,
just like a snake.
[laughter]
- The rhythm of them was
something that,
even today,
hasn't been replicated.
- It was all in the writing
and Norm's
committed dry performance,
you know.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Note to self, uh, find new way
of fraudulently obtaining
food stamps.
[laughter]
- We just believed in the jokes.
When Norm did those jokes,
he couldn't be shaken.
- He has the most unique,
one-of-a-kind kind delivery.
I can imagine how exciting
that would be,
to have Norm Macdonald be
the mouthpiece for your jokes.
- Clinton yesterday announced
that, from now on,
the territory of Bosnia
and Herzegovina
will be referred to as Vietnam.
- Of all the performers
that I've ever worked with,
I actually had the most
perfect simpatico with Norm.
- When you and Norm
found each other,
it was like tuning forks
that were perfectly matched.
- Norm and Jim,
that has to be
Jim's favorite combination
in... in all of show business.
[laughter, applause]
- Can I tell
my favorite Norm joke?
It was, the richest girl
in the world
had her 10-year-old birthday.
- Millionaire Athina Onassis
celebrated her 10th birthday
this week.
- What do you get for
the richest girl in the world?
Well, here's an idea.
- At the party,
they had two cakes.
[rim shot]
[laughter]
- And it's such a good joke.
It doesn't really play,
but a truly great joke
is one that doesn't play
and that I remember
for 30 years.
[light percussive music]
- "Update" Norm is totally
in sync with your values,
which is perfect word choice,
perfect phrasing,
let's get the timing just right.
- When you're telling the joke,
it has to be a really good
version of the joke.
All the important elements are
done in the best possible way.
- The October issue of
"Penthouse," now on newsstands,
contains a picture
billed as, quote,
"the alien, the world's
first authentic photograph."
- The original joke
we started with was...
- A survey of
"Penthouse" readers finds
that 60% think
the photo is a fake,
while only 40% think it's real.
All 100%, however,
found it, quote...
- Quote, "sharp, clear,
and easy to masturbate to."
But we decided that
it would be better...
- All 100%, however, found it,
quote, "surprisingly easy
to masturbate to."
[laughter]
- But then it became
"surprisingly easy
to masturbate to."
Or, quote, "surprisingly easy."
- [laughs]
Elevates it a little bit.
- But that's the kind
of thing where
other people thought
we were kind of insane.
- OJ Simpson is wanted.
He's been charged
in the two murders
that took place Sunday night.
- A lot of people think
they know the story of Norm,
"Update," OJ, NBC.
But I don't think,
necessarily, they do.
- F. Lee Bailey said this week
that if the defense only
knew what Ron Goldman's
last words were,
they might be able
to find the real killer.
You know, if you ask me,
Goldman's last words
were probably, uh,
hey, you're OJ Simpson!
[laughter, applause]
- The OJ murders happened...
Still unsolved... uh...
- To this day.
- To this day.
And you and Norm start
doing jokes about
how it's quite clear
that he is the murderer.
- Was OJ Simpson high on speed
the night of the murders?
Absolutely not, said defense
attorney Johnnie Cochran today.
And a simple test
of any of OJ's blood
found at the crime scene
will prove it.
[laughter]
- Hey, Norm, what's up?
It's OJ.
- Oh, OJ!
OJ Simpson's new fitness video
was released this week.
Oh, no! OJ has struck again.
How about that?
It was revealed this week, the
defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran
once abused his first wife.
In his defense, Cochran said,
"Hey, at least I didn't kill her
like some people I know."
- That would make them
exponentially funnier.
Just the sheer volume...
- I felt that way.
- Yeah.
- It was usually OJ thought
he was making a great point,
but incriminating himself
instead.
- In a brilliant move
during closing arguments,
Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran
put on the knit cap prosecutors
say OJ wore the night
he committed the murders,
although OJ may have hurt
his case when he suddenly
blurted out,
hey, hey, easy with that!
That's my lucky stabbin' hat!
[laughter]
- What you come to realize is
that the head of the network,
Don Ohlmeyer,
who's best friends with OJ,
doesn't like these jokes.
- I believe OJ did not do this.
I don't think
the media in this town
believes that
OJ did not do this.
They're trying to portray this
like a football game.
- He didn't like Norm's comedy.
Jim was devoted to Norm.
I loved Norm as well.
It was all like
his personal taste
should be the thing
that decides things.
It wasn't the kind of comedy
he was used to.
And also they were making
a lot of jokes about OJ,
and that's when it started.
- In his book,
OJ Simpson says that
he would have taken a bullet
or stood in front of a train
for Nicole.
Man, I'm gonna tell you,
that is some bad luck,
when the one guy
who would have died for you
kills you.
[laughter]
- He was respectful.
And it was never
a fuck-you attitude,
but he was just like,
who's this guy gonna
talk to me about
what's funny and not funny
and what we're allowed to say?
- Like we were not gonna
make jokes about OJ.
- There's a lot of people
in this town,
when he's proved innocent,
who are going to look
at you guys
and the stuff you put on the air
in a totally different way.
They're just not
gonna believe you.
- They joked, and they just
were like, oh,
you want us to lay off
the OJ jokes?
Well, why don't we do more?
- Don Ohlmeyer said to me,
they're not funny.
And I said, no,
they're not funny to you,
but they are funny
to the audience that, uh,
is watching the show.
- The idea that
the head of the network
is supporting
someone who clearly
is a murderer,
and therefore insisting
on the firing of people
based on their jokes
about the murder, is unheard of.
- We, the jury in
the above entitled action,
find the defendant,
Orenthal James Simpson,
not guilty
of the crime of murder.
- Now the fake news.
Well, it is finally official.
Murder is legal
in the state of California.
[laughter, applause]
- Don, he was...
You gotta fire Norm and Jim.
And I obviously wasn't
gonna consider that
till the season was over.
He just kept pounding on it.
I said, do not do this.
If you want to make
this decision
at the end of the season,
Norm, maybe he was ready
to leave anyway,
and we'll decide then.
But he overruled me.
It's, I think,
the only time that anybody
actually overruled me.
And he kind of had
the critics on his side.
And so, uh, he did it.
It was a disaster.
It tore us apart.
- The phone rings,
and it's Michael Shoemaker
saying, a couple things.
Chris Farley is dead,
and you and Norm are fired.
[laughs]
Norm was really devastated.
My attitude was, hey,
we got three and a half
fun seasons out of it.
And, like, I'll take
a year off, you know?
- This guy Don Ohlmeyer,
he goes, uh, oh, yeah,
I'm, uh... I'm firing you there
from the show.
And then I said, uh,
oh, that's not good.
You know.
And then I said,
why is that now?
And he goes, uh,
oh, you're not...
You know, you're not funny.
- Yeah.
- And then I said, uh...
I said, holy lord, that's
even worse news, you know?
[laughter]
- When Norm passed away,
just about everybody
did not know
that he was that sick.
People went back and they
started looking at
these mash-ups,
his best "Update" jokes,
and you just saw this
barrage of really great,
fantastic, timeless jokes
delivered perfectly.
And it was just
a great tribute to what
you two guys made together.
- That's all for now, folks.
Good night.
Thanks a lot.
Enjoy.
[cheers and applause]
- It takes a special person
to be able to write something,
spend so much time doing it,
and then give it
to somebody else,
and just not have
that sad desire
to need to get the laugh
yourself.
- I thought Jim was an actor
because I'd seen him
on "Letterman."
- When you know Jim's face,
then you see him
in all those little things
over the years.
[jazzy music]
- Hi, I'm Craig.
I'm thinking of taking
a vacation in Jurassic Park.
I'm gonna go through it
once more.
I'm not the sort of person
who starts a job
and walks away from it.
- Much has been said
about Jeffrey Epstein.
Terrible things have been...
- No, Jeff...
I'm talking about Jeff Epstein,
the New York financier.
[laughter]
- Yes!
We're talking about
the same Jeff Epstein.
- No.
- Yes!
- No.
- Yes!
- Andy, I've been
dating your dad.
- Like, my dad, dad?
- It's gotten
extraordinarily physical.
[cheers and applause]
- Downey commits
a thousand percent,
and they really do go at it.
- Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
- If it were up to me,
we'd be putting up drywall
on your vagina building today.
- Well, I appreciate that, Jim.
I really do.
- But in the current climate...
- Downey's so present.
In "Billy Madison,"
I recognized him
from "Change Bank."
- We wanted Jim
to be the principal
and called him up, and he said,
yeah, yeah, what about this?
And he wrote the most
quoted thing from that movie.
- Mr. Madison,
what you've just said
is one of the most
insanely idiotic things
I have ever heard.
At no point in your rambling,
incoherent response
were you even close
to anything that could be
considered a rational thought.
Everyone in this room
is now dumber
for having listened to it.
I award you no points...
- [laughs]
- And may God have mercy
on your soul.
- Yeah, man.
I mean, I think Downey said that
to me and Farley
several times in real life.
[funky music]
- You also were in
a Paul Thomas Anderson movie
as well.
People forget about that.
- He just had this notion
that I was
the perfect guy
to play that part.
So I go, oh, OK.
- "There Will Be Blood" is
one of my favorite movies
of that decade,
and Jim was in it.
- Can everything
around here be got?
- Sure.
- He really is,
as a sketch performer,
a really good actor.
- We will take our clients'
money and invest it.
Part of the profit,
we'll keep for ourselves.
The rest,
we will give to the client.
We will make a list
of our clients
and how much money each of
them has given us to invest.
We will keep this list
in a safe place.
If we have time,
we will make a copy of the list
in case something happens
to the first list.
- At "Saturday Night Live,"
the writers have a lot of power.
- I want a piece of you, Potter!
Why, I oughta pound you!
[shouting]
- The shape of the kind of
things that you do at "SNL,"
the degree of control
you can have...
- Is there a particular moment
when you said to yourself,
it's just...
It's just not my night?
- Probably when the mountain
lion urinated on me.
- I know I would never
find anywhere else.
[jazzy music]
I'd been away from the show
for a couple years,
and then Don Ohlmeyer left
the network.
It seemed like a few minutes
after he left,
Lorne's like, he's gone, right?
It's official?
Then he called me and said, hey,
I'd like you to come back
to the show.
I remembered
my friends telling me,
if you go back to the show
after being fired twice,
we'll lose all respect for you.
- I did not say that.
- Lawrence did not say that.
- Yeah.
- Lorne made it very clear that
he wanted me to be a specialist.
- Good evening.
This is the CBS Evening
Anthrax Update,
Dan Rather reporting.
All right, this just in.
CBS News now confirming
that I have anthrax.
Now, to sum up where we stand
at the moment,
Rather, anthrax.
Blitzer, anthrax,
attacked by a squirrel.
- Politics wasn't
always considered,
like, a hot property.
- Where have you been?
- Certainly not
in the early years.
- Ah, guten Tag.
[speaking German]
- Each decade sort of kicked up
to where more and more
people were actually
interested in political comedy.
- I don't run around saying,
Bob Dole does this
and Bob Dole does that.
That's not something
Bob Dole does.
- Jim was like the king
in the cold open world.
- Stay on the track.
Stay the course.
Thousand points of light.
[laughter]
- Governor Dukakis, rebuttal?
- I can't believe
I'm losing to this guy.
[laughter]
- Jim prided himself on
that he was
an impartial, uh, satirist.
- We did not feel
it was our job to have
a political point of view.
- There's no one I like.
I'm looking to make fun
of anything
that comes down the pike.
- This film, "Independence Day,"
tells the story of a young,
idealistic,
compassionate president
who's facing a crisis.
Frustrated in his personal life
and unable to realize his
vision for the country
due to a hostile Congress.
But suddenly,
everything turns around
and he's able to achieve
true greatness
when aliens invade Earth
and a helicopter crash
kills his wife.
I love this movie.
- He kept me honest sometimes.
Sometimes I'd have an idea
that was a little
too undermined by sort of
how partisan it was
or something.
- I want to be around
for a long time,
on the job,
making the tough decisions,
24/7.
That's 24 hours a week...
[laughter]
Seven months a year.
- In the first five years
of the show,
I bet we opened
with a political piece
maybe two or three times a year.
- It became more urgent in 2000.
These campaigns were
vulnerable to the swing voter.
They were trying
to get their hands on,
who is this guy, Gore?
Who is this guy, Bush?
[applause]
Those performances,
and what you gave the actors
to do with those characters,
gave people a handle
on those characters
that they didn't have
before that night.
- I remember looking
at the script,
and I said, is that
as good as I think it is?
- Governor Bush,
you said the following.
Quote, "More seldom than not,
the movies
"gives us exquisite sex
and wholesome violence
"that underscores our values.
"Every two child did.
I will."
End quote.
[laughter]
What did you mean by that?
[laughter]
- [clears throat] Pass.
[laughter, applause]
- I'm just silently just
screaming with joy in my head,
oh, my God, he's...
He's literally
schooling the entire show on
how to write political comedy.
- Now, under my plan,
Etta's prescription drugs
would be covered.
Under my opponent's plan,
her house would be burned
to the ground,
and that is wrong.
- I believe that some of his
figures may be "in-ack-urate."
[laughter]
- We are almost out of time,
so I will instead
ask each candidate
to sum up in a single word
the best argument
for his candidacy.
Governor Bush?
- Strategery.
[laughter]
- The whole country was
saying strategery.
- The word strategery.
- It's become part
of the lexicon.
- As "The New York Times" put
it, the national consciousness.
- You know, I've always been
a big fan
of "Saturday Night Live."
- Clearly,
the candidates have taken
their appearances on
the late-night show seriously.
- Although I'm a big fan,
I have seen
some things on the show
I thought were,
in a word, offensible.
- The most important political
writing of this election year.
- Jim, your reaction?
- Well, I'd like to hear more
from Lawrence in that vein.
I thought he was
on to something.
- And the thing you have to
know about the undecided voter
is that they don't consume
any information
from the political media.
- If they had,
they wouldn't be undecided...
- They do catch
things like this.
- We are America's
undecided voters.
Before you get our vote,
you're gonna have to answer
some questions.
- When is the election?
How soon do we have to decide?
- What are the names
of the two people running?
And be specific.
- Who is the president
right now?
Is he or she running?
- What happens
if the president dies?
Has anyone thought about
who would replace him?
What's your plan, gentlemen?
- Somehow,
that set this pattern,
so that, ever since then,
whenever there's
an election year,
there's this sort of
expectation...
Well, we have to have
debate pieces.
- So don't be telling me
that I'm part
of the Washington elite
because I come from
the absolute worst place
on Earth,
Scranton, Pennsylvania.
And Wilmington, Delaware's
not much better.
- Governor Palin.
- Oh, are we not doing
the talent portion?
[laughter, applause]
- And it was becoming
this gigantic part.
- We'll work on you.
It's gonna take time.
[chuckles]
Maybe for four more years.
- Our politics has never
calmed down since 2000.
"SNL" became absolutely
mandatory in American politics
and is to this day.
[microphone feedback, applause]
[jazzy music]
- Your Honor, I'd like to say
something if I could, please.
- Excuse me, are you
a relative of the plaintiff?
- I am her mother.
[laughter]
- And what is your occupation?
- I am a barfly.
[laughter]
- I'm a barfly.
- I am a barfly.
- I am a barfly.
- And by that you mean
you loiter in bars
waiting for men you don't know
to buy you drinks?
- That is correct, Your Honor.
[laughter]
- Just hours ago,
it was made apparent to me
that I am not, as I have
long believed myself to be,
a licensed bikini inspector.
[laughter]
As experts have shown,
the official
bikini inspector license
upon which I base
this assertion is a forgery.
And indeed, no such
medical specialty exists.
To the hundreds
and hundreds of women
I may have wronged, albeit
with the best of intentions,
I can now only offer
my most sincere
and heartfelt apologies.
- This is a sidewalk costume.
- A sidewalk costume?
- Yeah. I mean, you know,
we don't recommend it
for blind kids.
I mean, you know, there's
a warning right on the label.
"Invisible Pedestrian,
not for blind kids."
[laughter]
- Did Bob Dole grow up in Canada
in a small farm town?
Didn't have the prep school
education
or the sterling silverware,
or the bumper pool table
in the basement.
Didn't have the shower massage,
the five-way adjustable head.
- The deficit, like
many of our problems,
will ultimately be solved
if we can legalize
and federally fund
female circumcisions.
- Larry, please, let's hit
the fast-forward button,
because we've heard this before.
See, now, folks,
we'd all like better schools,
less crime,
and female circumcision, right?
There's nothing better
in the world
than female circumcision.
But where is the money
gonna come from?
- I think you'll
really like Stu.
He's absolutely
the most sincere,
genuine, straightforward person
you'll ever want to meet.
A real honest guy.
- Mm.
- What a jerk he is.
- Listen, we'll...
We'll talk quietly
so as not to disturb you, OK?
- Oh, you won't disturb me.
I'll be in my room masturbating.
They won't disturb me.
I'll be masturbating.
- Live long...
[laughter]
And be happy.
[laughter, applause]
- This guy here
is the best writer
that I ever worked with
at "Saturday Night Live."
He's my friend.
And if anybody messes with him,
they're messing with me.
And they're messing, um,
with the local union here,
which I have, uh,
talked to about anything
that might happen here tonight.
[cacophonous piano melody]
Jaws
- Jaws, get away from me
- Get away from me
Jaws
- They had been fooling around
with this "Jaws" theme
since, like, 19...
Since the movie came out.
- It was just their running
bit, you know, for years.
- You took and you made me
You made me
Made me part of you
- Made me a part of you
- I remember
Maya in my hotel room,
and Downey on the phone
singing that,
and you and I are both
frantically writing.
And I'm up in the music thing
with Paul Shaffer.
I think Bill's gonna come.
We don't know.
And then here comes Bill in a...
Literally in a Hawaiian shirt
or whatever.
And then we were on... on TV.
- By the way, we seem like
we're playing it cool.
But, like, these are the guys
we had boners for.
- You bastard, Jaws!
[cheers and applause]
- I have to believe
it's some kind of record
for the longest time
between the original idea
and the execution,
which would be 40 years,
just about.
[soft music]
- Jim is a brilliant artist,
and he's working
in this amazing medium
called sketch comedy,
and he's really defined it.
- He could get a laugh from
the intro before the cold open.
- A panel think tank nerds
excitedly discusses
some topic no one else
cares about, followed by
long, incoherent questions
from even nerdier members
of the audience.
- Like, those little,
like, jokes,
that is not easy to do.
Shout out to Jim Downey, man.
[laughter, applause]
- As a person who loves the show
with my whole heart,
I want people to understand
who he is.
He's so much
a fabric of the show.
- Es Senor Eliot Ness!
- You know, we would say
when we'd write our movies...
This is fucking 10 years
after we left the show...
We'd be like...
[inhales sharply]
I think Downey would like that.
That's how fucking insane
we are with Downey.
Oh, yeah, all right.
[speaking gibberish]
[laughter]
[speaking gibberish]
- I think comedy writers
in general,
for whatever reason,
they feel like the world is
a bit of a swindle and a lie,
and they want to point that out
and laugh at it.
Jim was so wonderful
at making comedy
out of the way
people relate to each other.
The way they misunderstand
each other,
talk to each other,
conversational failings,
the depth it can go to
in revealing human behavior
is as deep as people can go.
Plus the two
with Dave Letterman.
I mean, I had three
or four separate careers
within "Saturday Night Live"
alone.
Along the way,
I became a father,
and just last February, on the
eve of the 50th anniversary,
a grandfather.
I met the love of my life
at this show.
That's how wired I am
to this place.
When I started here,
I was the youngest person
on the writing staff.
And when I left,
much the oldest.
It's cool that, you know,
I was able to do it
as long as I did,
working with some of the
funniest people on the planet
and still make a contribution.
But at a certain point, you've
proved what you need to prove,
and it's time
to quietly step aside,
and slip out the back way
unnoticed...
The Irish goodbye.
- Live from New York,
it's Saturday night!
- Ex-Lampooner Jim Downey
not only wrote for
"Saturday Night Live"
longer than anybody else,
he also created
this perennial list
read by David Letterman.
- What is the Top 10 List?
- I'm pretty sure, with respect,
if there was some news
about Jeff Epstein,
I would have heard.
- I have to tell you, he's gone.
He's dead.
- What do you mean?
- He's dead.
- He's dead?
- He's dead.
- No.
[laughs] Sorry, nice try.