Dramarama (2020) Movie Script
I wanted
to tell you that...
[knocking on door]
[Mom] Gene?
[Gene] Mm-hmm?
[Mom] Oh!
You comin' to church?
I already told you!
I wasn't going anymore.
[Mom] Service is at
5:30, honey, you working?
No, it's Rose's
going-away party.
[Mom] Uh, Rose goes to
church with her folks.
I'm not a kid anymore,
Mom. I'm almost 18.
[Mom] God does not
care how old you are.
More like God
doesn't care at all?
[Mom] I'll light a candle
for you and your friends.
[keys jingling]
Great.
Maybe I'll get raptured.
[upbeat rock music]
[static]
[upbeat classical music]
[vacuum humming]
[upbeat classical music]
[doorbell ringing]
God bless it.
[classical music with drumroll]
Why, Miss Alice, do come in.
Oh my gosh, Rose,
you look amazing!
Whom is this Rose
that you speak of?
Miss Havisham?
Yes! Yes, the one and only!
Oh, come come come!
Come in, come in!
[upbeat classical music]
Drink?
Of course, it's tradition.
Don't you dare give
that child spirits,
or I'll have you arrested!
Heavens! It's Sherlock Holmes!
How'd you sneak in?
Elementary, Alice.
I'm on the trail of
the White Rabbit.
Stick out your tongue, child.
[gasping]
Just as I suspected,
you ate him!
Oh!
[giggling]
[slapping]
Cough him up, you lost soul!
[doorbell ringing]
God bless it!
[dramatic music]
Why, it's Mrs. Mina Harker!
[hissing]
Dare I let you
pass my threshold?
Do I have to do
a British accent?
You know it always ends
up sounding Southern.
As you wish.
Awesome. You look
rad, by the way.
I know.
[upbeat classical music]
May I take your things?
[throat clearing]
Mrs. Harker, may I introduce
Miss Alice and Mr. Holmes?
[hissing]
Scary!
Ravishing and ravenous!
Oh, thank you.
[camera clicking]
Where's Gene?
No sign.
The mystery continues.
Has nobody talked to him?
Mm, he's been flaky. Like
these 19th century Doritos.
You guys, I'm worried.
Gene would never miss this.
I...
wanted
to tell you...
that...
I'm a homo.
A Homo sapien!
Stupid...
[group chattering]
[glass dinging]
Here, here! Shall we
let one fickle absentee
dampen our spirits?
Then welcome, friends,
to our final fete.
Tonight, we shall embark upon...
[doorbell ringing]
God bless it.
Hmm, I wasn't sure to
expect you, Mr. Um...
Long John Silver?
Apologies.
But pirate costumes
are not my forte.
Mm, you don't say.
I'm Dr. Jekyll.
I pray that's in keeping with
the Victorian theme, ma'am?
[somber classical music]
Mm. That's a terrible
pirate costume.
Introducing... Dr. Jekyll.
Doctor?
Hm, now where have you been
Hyde-ing all this time?
Very punny, Pepper.
[somber classical music]
Well, since we are
all here now, hm?
Please make
yourselves comfortable
while I prepare
some hors d'ouevres.
Are you avoiding me, Jekyll?
No, no, just been
busy with work.
[smoke blowing]
[chuckling]
That's a paltry excuse.
Hey there, wanna
see my Grand Canyon?
My, look at those ravines!
[Ally] Come get
it, come get it!
[Oscar] Oh my goodness!
Gimme more, gimme more!
You finish Franny
and Zooey yet?
Crap.
I forgot your book.
You look top drawer, by the way.
[Rose screaming]
Great Scott!
Showtime.
[upbeat classical music]
Oh!
[Ally] Well, so much
for the hors d'ouevres.
I spy a note.
I'll handle the
clues, you goon.
[upbeat music]
"Should I die before we mingle,
solve the mystery
with this jingle.
In the library sits
Sissy Jupe's clue,
Do unto others what
I've done to you."
Who the devil is Sissy Jupe?
She's in Hard Times.
Like Rose is hard for Dickens.
To the library!
There's a library?
[upbeat classical music]
Hard Times, Hard Times...
It's also the
Bible's Golden Rule.
Smells like the
Word of God to me.
Which is what?
Judgmental?
Don't blaspheme, Gene.
Focus, people!
Where is the verse?
The Golden Rule is in
Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31.
It's a bit redundant, innit?
Mm-hmm.
[throat clearing]
"On the Victrola
Donizetti plays,
a poison she drinks
in a love haze."
What in the...
Wait, Donizetti?
Rose, you got the
composer wrong!
[Rose] No I didn't!
Guys, it's a Verdi opera.
To the Victrola!
There's a Victrola?
[upbeat classical music]
"Il" what, opera diva?
Look for, uh, Maria
Callas, or Sutherland, uh,
maybe Price, too.
Bingo.
[upbeat classical music]
May I?
Come now, we all know that
detectives read the clues,
not deranged doctors.
[upbeat classical music]
Stop!
'Kay. "Under fair timber,
Jack the Ripper hacks.
Open the box, then
watch your backs."
Uh.
Under fair timber?
Under fair timber?
Trees are outside, Holmes.
[classical music building]
Does Mr. Hyde need a sedative?
"Seda-give?"
[grunting]
Here they go.
[struggling]
[laughing]
What?
you ticklish?
[laughing]
Shall we try outside?
Uh, yep, let's start
with the woodpile.
"To the lumber yard!"
Ah!
[laughing]
I'll free you, if
you say you were wrong.
[doorbell ringing]
Never!
[struggling]
Hey, it's a miracle!
She's alive!
Actually, it's the pizza.
Intermission, everybody!
[struggling]
[laughing]
[door opening]
JD?
Holy shit!
Uh, Christ, is it Halloween?
Heh, uh, no, um,
actually, we're, we're
having like a, a,
Victorian murder mystery party?
Okay.
Uh, here, let me
take these from you.
Oh! What up? JD in the house!
What's up?
Hello, mate.
Geeze, what is on your face?
Is that magic marker?
Uh, no, it's my mom's mascara.
That's so foul!
[laughing]
I'm Sherlock, and he's Jekyll.
It's a panopoly of
literary characters, so.
A panopoly?
A, a parade of characters?
You mean a panoply.
I'm all, that, too!
[laughing]
What... Okay, come
in, bro, come in!
This is Martinelli's
Sparkling Cider.
So, like, British cider?
No! No no no no
It's non-alcoholic.
Mmm, yummy.
Oh.
It's a kiddie party.
Okay.
[nervous laughing]
So, uh... what, you're
Jane Eyre's madwoman?
Hint. I was
spurned at the altar.
Oh, Jesus, Miss Havisham?
Yes!
Well played, sir!
[JD] God, Great Expectations
is such a shitty book.
I mean, Dickens is a hack.
Yeah, it's, it's like
a bad soap opera, right?
Hey, you, uh, mind
if I spike this cider?
Oh, ha! Actually, that
is my parents' liquor,
so I would prefer you didn't.
Don't panic. Just a smidge.
[liquor pouring]
[Ally] What gives?
Are we still playing?
Shh.
Shh.
Boo!
Hey, JD!
Jesus, Ally. You look bangin'.
I'm Dracula's
bountiful wine press.
Ooh, rawr.
Once bitten but not shy.
[laughing]
Guess who I am?
A... pedophile victim?
[laughing]
Oh my God! Burn on Claire.
I'm Alice, you ass.
You know Lewis Carroll made
bacon with the real Alice?
Wait, didn't you
say J.M. Barrie also?
Yeah, gotta look out
for those old blokes
writing about minors.
Though you may
encounter wolves!
Uh, what?
It's a line from
Into the Woods.
[JD] Oh Christ, is
that some musical?
By the god of musicals
himself, Stephen Sondheim!
Yeah, I, I can't
stand musicals.
I mean, they're so, like,
phony and implausible.
I mean, yeah, Phantom of
the Opera is totally phony.
Gives other musicals a bad rap.
So, uh, how come I wasn't
invited to this little soiree?
I like literature.
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
I, it was actually just
supposed to be like,
a little going-away
thing because I leave
for NYU tomorrow, and I,
I didn't really have...
Okay, Rose, Rose! Calm down.
All right? I, I was joking.
I mean, I, I can't
stand costume parties.
Yeah, or awesome
games, apparently.
Wow, not gonna
let that go, huh?
Last week, we saw this movie
called Spanking the Monkey
and, uh, JD refused to play
Scattergories after it.
Wait, you and JD?
Yeah.
And Gene.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
It was totally last minute.
So, you're, uh, goin'
to New York tomorrow?
Indeed.
Broadway or bust!
Right.
I, I, I'm studying acting too,
but, um, for film.
UCLA's Theater School.
That mean you'll
be in a movie?
Well, I mean, I'll
be in LA, so I can
get an agent and
make connections.
Sounds easy.
[nervous breathing]
Oh, hey, I, uh,
I told Sammy that you're
studying opera at Oberlin.
He said the dorms have
coed showers there.
Coed?
[scoffing]
I'd never bathe.
Rose, it's a
shower, not an orgy.
Okay, well, you say that now.
Your college
have coed showers?
No!
No.
It's a Christian college?
Pepperdine?
I'm majoring in theater, but
mainly behind the scenes.
Maybe costumes...
She made my dress.
[Rose] Mm-hm.
Oh.
I don't really
know what I'm doing.
I'll probably end
up making costumes
for, like, my kids'
plays or something.
No, you're gonna win an Oscar.
Right, I forgot.
Yeah. And Oscar's
gonna win an Oscar,
and Rose is gonna win a Tony,
and Ally's gonna win a Grammy,
and Gene'll win a...
a toaster.
Gee, thanks.
No, okay, I mean,
but, is there a prize
for drawing cartoons?
Ah, Gene's got a
bright future right here
at our fine community college.
Oh, is that, uh, is
that where you go now?
Oh, no. I, uh, I never
finished high school.
I'm sorry. I didn't know that.
Why are you sorry?
I couldn't wait to get
out of that fraud factory.
You know, 'cause I'd
rather deliver pizzas
to drama nerds in
frou-frou costumes
than conform to
society's expectations.
[nervous laughing]
Well, hey, you're still
the smartest person I know,
so high school can suck it.
Plus, I mean, who
needs to take the SA with your vocabulary?
Uh, we started this game
where we try to find
one perfect word to
describe something.
Hm, yeah, to, uh,
you know, keep, like,
non-pedestrian words alive.
Yep.
You know, so we don't all
start sounding Orwellian.
I'm all, uh... Newspeak!
Here, um, describe
me in one word.
All right.
Um.
You're...
clandestine.
That's weird.
Why?
Don't you always
feel that Gene's
hiding something from you?
Me? What?
No, I'm as honest as Abe!
Um, uh... What about Ally?
Ally... is beguiling.
Ooh, monsieur!
Yeah, nice try, uh,
keep practicing.
Bite me!
Okay. Okay okay! Do me, do me!
Uh...
Hold on, let me, um, refill.
[crunching]
[slurping]
[pouring]
[crunching]
[crunching]
Hmm, the salutatorian is...
grandiloquent.
Okay, cool, right on!
I love that word.
Um, grand... Okay, do Claire!
Oh, well, that one's easy.
Puritanical.
I'm supposed to be a child!
Babe, it's not
just the outfit.
And, last but not
least, Rose is...
callow.
Mm... Mmm.
Well, gotta get
back to the grind.
But, uh,
enjoy your little... play time.
So I'm going to a party
later at my cousin's.
You should come.
You mean Sammy's?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, he
thinks you're cool.
Uh, this is a... sleepover.
Sleepover?
What are you, five?
[laughing]
No. Okay, I get
off of work at 11,
I'll swing by, you'll
escape to Sammyville.
Look, there's gonna be kegs,
cool cats, killer dames.
You're gonna dig it, Daddy-o.
[cigarette burning]
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, and, uh,
you know, tell Ally, too.
Yeah.
[heels clicking]
Don't forget your tip.
Oh yeah, thanks.
Probably eat soon.
Pizza's getting cold.
[coughing]
[scoffing]
Eh.
[door opening and closing]
[coughing]
We're gonna have to
work on that, Genie.
I hate being called that.
I'll see you out here at 11.
[soft piano music]
He's such a jerk.
You know, I can't stand
how he takes Jesus' name
in vain all the time.
It's like a Woody Allen
film I can't turn off!
Well, you don't
believe in God,
then what is the incentive?
You think he's an atheist?
You lookin' up grandiloquent?
No.
Does it mean speaking grandly?
It means someone who
tries to impress others
by using big words.
Yeah, I knew that, thanks.
I was actually looking up
when, um, callow was coined.
So.
Ugh!
Who does that loser think he is?
I wasn't born yesterday!
I'm the one going to New
York, and he is stuck here
in this podunk town where
nothing ever happens.
I'm right here, Rose.
No, no, I wasn't,
I wasn't talking about you.
I meant JD.
Okay, well, I'm
also stuck here, so...
No! No no no! You,
you have your diploma, Gene.
And you have talent
and, and drive and,
and places to go.
Oh, really? What places?
Clandestine ones?
Sneaking off, watching
movies while pretending
to be busy at work?
You know, I'm still
going to college.
You know, I'm not
a total slacker.
Guys, there are
plenty of people
who don't need
school to be smart.
Okay, but you
still need a diploma
if you don't wanna be
delivering pizzas for
the rest of your life.
Okay, you wanna be an actress.
There are tons of
actors without degrees.
Yep, but, di, mm-mm,
not stage actors.
We have to be well educated.
It's frauds like Julia
Roberts who need nothing...
[group groaning]
She has no formal training,
she is just a model
with giant teeth!
So what?
So you're saying I don't need a college
diploma because I'm a film actor?
I think the point is,
is that Gene's nothing
like JD, right?
Were you smoking?
No, what?
Uh, I mean just a puff.
Gene, smoking
is so bad for you.
Yeah, especially your voice.
Okay, guys, I'm
not an opera singer.
It's fine if you don't inhale.
I had to smoke for research
when I played Tom
in Glass Menage.
Yeah, that was different.
That was for a role.
See, this is my issue with JD.
It's not that he's a slacker.
It's the smoking,
and the drinking,
and... just bad behavior.
I hate to say it, but
you sound puritanical.
I'm not puritanical.
Mm, you're pretty
square, Claire.
Just because Claire
doesn't wanna cavort
with a cad like JD does not
mean that she's a square.
You're just jealous.
Oh, of what?
Of JD calling me beguiling.
Honey, beguiling
is not a compliment.
Isn't it?
You're so wrong.
Beats callow any day.
It sure doesn't!
You guys, who
cares what JD thinks?
He's not even like us.
I mean, Rose just
said he's an atheist!
So?
What if I was an atheist?
But you're not.
Okay, but what if I was?
I mean... are you for real?
No, he's not for real.
He's just trying to
be like JD to be cool.
No, I'm being serious.
Yeah, what makes us friends?
It can't be because
everyone believes in God.
Why not?
I mean, I don't have
Bible study with you guys,
but our shared
faith connects us.
Whoa whoa whoa,
our shared faith?
Claire, you used to give
me those end times cartoons
listing pro-choice people as
going to hell on Judgment Day.
I'm not talking
about abortion!
She just means that
we're all Christian.
Exactly.
Oh, yes! Yeah yeah yeah.
We're all Christian until
someone is invited to Mass
and then told she
can't take communion
'cause she's not Catholic!
You're Lutheran!
We don't even believe that
communion is the same thing.
It's, like, it's,
the whole point of Luther!
We believe in
transubstantiation.
You believe in
consubstantiation.
[group arguing]
Oh my God! You guys! Stop!
What is your point? What
are you trying to tell us?
[soft piano music]
That I'm...
[soft piano music]
I wanted to tell you that...
[soft piano music]
That I don't know if I
believe in God anymore.
And I guess it, it hurts
to hear you judge JD,
and it makes me
question us as a group.
So,
so what do you believe in?
I guess I'm agnostic?
I mean, there might be
some sort of unknown spirit
or, or some stuff that
science can't explain, but
God seems pretty man-made to me.
Okay.
Well... Um.
You know, Job was tested.
Yeah. And and and
Jonah and the whale,
and even Jesus. I mean,
Gene, I think you're
just being tested.
Faith is a personal thing.
And as for what
glues us together,
beats me.
Maybe fart jokes?
[dog barking]
Okay.
Okay.
[CD tray opening and closing]
Someday mother will die
And I'll get the money
May I have this dance?
Is this Salt and Pepa?
No, but I will play
Sondheim next, you old broad.
I can't dance to this garbage!
But you look
fabulous, Dahling!
All right, Showbiz Pizza Place
band right now, let's go!
Yes yes yes yes yes!
Ooh! Dibs on the dog drummer!
- You're gonna be the dumb bird head, let's go.
- Ugh.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
And I am a snake
head eating the head
On the opposite side
I palindrome I
Gene?
I need a keyboard gorilla.
See that bulletproof dress
hanging from the clothesline
Well,
Looks like token girl
cheerleader mouse is all yours.
[laughing]
Now I'll help it decide
I palindrome I
Okay... Yeah!
[laughing]
I palindrome I
And I am a snake
head eating the head
On the opposite side
I palindrome I
Manonam
[chuckling]
Eureka! I found the timber!
Come, come! Get
out of the bushes,
it's not bushes, it's timber!
Come help search for the box.
Is this the last clue?
'Cause this corset's
killing my boobs.
What if Rose buried it?
Oh God, I wouldn't
put it past her.
Okay, pause.
This is the final clue.
We've gotta get this!
[door opening and closing]
The last clue's missing.
What?
God bless it! Ugh!
[Rose sighing]
[Oscar giggling]
[digging]
What are you doing?
Well, I figured
it was in here!
The sand looked soft.
That's where
Grizabella is buried!
Uh, no!
Yuck, yuck,
cover it up! Cover it up!
Guys, it's a cat,
not her Grandma!
Ugh!
Ugh!
Someone took it.
A mystery inside a mystery!
What? But it wasn't me, I swear.
[hard breathing]
Gene?
Why me?
- Maybe you don't wanna be here?
- What if it was JD?
No way, what's his motive?
Uh, he clearly thought
our game was stupid,
now he's messing with us.
Ally, you've been acting
weirder than usual today.
You look very
suspicious right now.
What's that supposed to mean?
Hold on, okay, what, what if
it's merely a red herring, huh?
And Rose really has it?
Oh! A final twist!
You clever girl.
[hard breathing]
You know what, you know what?
- What?
- You know what?
What?
If you guys
don't like my game,
if you don't wanna play
my game, that's fine.
Ha ha! That's fine.
We won't play my game.
Game over. Ha!
Game over!
No, no.
No no no no no no no!
No, at least just
give me a hint!
Nice one, guys.
Now she'll be like
this the whole night.
Game over!
Hey, uh,
I'm sorry about seeing
that movie without you.
With JD, things just happen.
Sperm of the moment?
Super spermy.
[chuckles]
Well, you know I
like movies, too.
And JD, minus the flakiness.
And me?
I like you loyal,
like a Labrador.
[Gene laughing]
So, you have a
hard-on for JD, huh?
What?
Ew, don't be gross.
I mean, okay, yeah,
he can be cool.
Like when he told me
to go for Puppet Girl.
Oh yeah.
Uh, how's that going?
Uh. You know.
Her breasts are like
warm sandbags.
[trunk closing]
I'm all,
- Schwing!
- Schwing!
[laughing]
Who's Puppet Girl?
Oh, uh, 'member that
really rad girl we met
at the last drama competition?
She was the one who was in
the play, with the puppet?
Anyway, um, she and
Oscar still talk.
- And write!
- And write.
Hm, are you guys,
like, goin' out?
- No.
- I mean, technically, yeah.
But it's a little tricky because
she lives up in Brea, so.
Uh, wait,
you didn't tell me that
you guys were dating.
Well, I mean,
it's long distance,
but we are making plans
to see each other again.
She's gonna visit
me when I'm in LA.
Yeah.
Remember
Remember
[light music]
I rented some stuff for
us to watch after the game,
which is, uh,
now over. I guess.
Okay.
Ooh, Young Frankenstein.
"Frankensteen."
[chuckling]
Heathers, yes.
Blazing Saddles. Classic.
Princess Bride.
"Mawage..."
[Both] "Mawage is wot
bwings us togetha today!"
[Ally chuckling]
What's this blank one?
Oh, uh, that one is our
production of Glass Menagerie.
Glass Menage.
Why, why would I
wanna watch this?
[Rose] I don't know.
'Cause we were all in it?
I'm not in it.
Well, I mean, sure,
but you ran sound.
I don't know, I just thought
it would be nostalgic.
We don't have to watch it.
Ooh, watch what?
The Glass Monotony?
It's hot and
it's monogamous!
Claire, do you wanna watch this?
I hate watching myself.
See? Claire hates it too.
I vote Clue! Let
me change first.
No no no, that's...
[door slamming]
Right. Okay, well,
shall we change in there?
Probably wanna wash
off your, uh, mascara.
Just a... little bit.
Come on!
[Oscar humming a waltz]
[backpack slamming]
[laughing]
Worst dance partner ever.
Okay, well let me take
my backpack off next time.
Well, there's not
gonna be a next time.
[laughing]
Okay.
[throat clearing]
Hm.
So did you, uh, work
at the Yogurt Spot today?
Uh, yeah. First, first shift.
First shift, huh?
Mm-hmm.
And you were still
late to the party?
Okay.
[water running]
Try this, cretin.
Me no bath good.
[imitating gorillas]
[laughing]
[water running]
Okay.
Thought we were watching Clue?
We are making our own movie.
"I'm ready for my
closeup, Miss Ally."
Hey, what, you're not
gonna sleep in here?
Just don't wanna
get in the way.
Hey, Rose, smile
for the camera.
Ooh, snazzy finger,
you do that very well.
Thank you.
C-A-DOUBLE L-O-W.
Callow, my ass.
[laughing]
I'm so bad at giving
the finger, I'm...
[making painful noise]
Ow, it doesn't feel
right, like, whew.
Oh, that's sad, uh-huh.
I bet Gene can do it!
[Rose] Oh yeah!
- Why, because he doesn't believe in God?
- Yes.
I'm all... the devil himself
taught me the biker finger.
Show me, bad boy!
I will show you.
[clearing throat]
[guitar warmup music]
Heh!
[group groaning]
JD's way better at it.
Come on, that was
the best one yet.
[Ally] All right,
your turn, Claire.
No. No, no, no. Pass.
Are you... chicken?
Turkey?
[imitating turkeys]
No, not on camera!
[Ally] Why not?
You're not a politician.
Here, let the devil help you!
[laughing]
Stop! Stop... Stop.
Please please please? Oh!
Whoa, look, now
Claire's going to hell!
[laughing]
Okay, this feels
like Reality Bites.
Or like The Real World?
Uh, where it's, like, an hour
dissecting why one guy
ate the last pickle.
Oh my God, wait, let's
do, like, a reenactment of
Claire and Gene but totally
blow it out of proportion.
Yes! Yes!
Okay, okay, first
scene is Rose and Oscar
commenting on the couch.
Chop chop!
[laughing]
Okay, give me that
magic. Here we go.
And... action.
['90s hip-hop music]
I'm telling you, Jebediah,
he came at her like a monster.
You're overblowing
things, like always.
Brad may be an atheist and a
liar, but he's not a monster.
Listen to me!
He grabbed her out of nowhere
and he forced her
to give the finger!
I mean, he could have hurt her...
He was helping her, Chrissy,
what, you want
her to learn about
flipping the bird
from the streets?
Ugh!
Do you want the truth?
[Both] You can't
handle the truth!
['90s hip-hop music climax]
[sighing]
Thank you.
[clapping]
Oscar, that was great.
Rose, you were overacting.
All right, let's get
Gene and Claire's
footage in the
dining room. Come!
No.
Okay.
Can't you play my character?
Claire, of course not.
I'm the director. I'm in charge.
She's like the
female Robert Altman.
Yes, quick, everybody
talk at the same time!
[group talking at same time]
Hey, wait, do you
remember when we saw
Huey Lewis peeing in Short Cuts?
Why do you bring
that up all the time?
Okay, quiet! Quiet
on set, please!
All right, Claire, you're going
to walk through the doorway
and be surprised to see
Gene, the perpetrator!
And Gene, you are going to
try and apologize to Claire
and show her that you are more
than a violent, lying atheist.
[laughing]
Guys, I'm not an atheist.
Heh! It's called
acting, all right.
Okay, places!
- Hustle!
- Come on, come on.
- All right, ready?
- Quiet on set.
And.
Action!
[ethereal rock music]
[crunching]
Yolanda?
Yes... Brad?
I never meant to hurt you.
Then why'd you do it?
Why do we do anything, Yola?
Point is, I'm not a monster.
I only acted that way because
I'm in love with you!
[guitar music builds]
Will you marry me?
Buttercup?
[slap striking]
Oh! Jiminy Christmas! Oh!
Claire!
I'm sorry!
I thought that you'd
do, like, stage combat!
You're not supposed to actually
hit them in stage combat!
Well we slap each
other all the time!
Here, let me get an ice pack.
That looked great on camera.
Come, yeah, come see!
[laughs]
Nice, Claire, you got an arm!
[Ally laughing]
Peas or corn?
[chuckling]
Listen, I won't be offended
if you need to take off.
I know you have more
exciting places to be.
No I don't.
Okay, fine.
Just... don't stay out of pity.
[Ally] You're headed
for the top, Claire.
Did you bring my tapes?
I wanna pack them
before I forget.
Claire, okay, it's time
for your stage combat lesson,
'cause this...
[laughing]
Oh wait! Let's do
bad stage combat.
Oh yes! Okay.
All right, you hit me first.
Okay, great.
You... rascal!
Ayesh! My funny
bone! How could you?
Okay, do me.
Oh!
My knee!
[dog barking]
Uh, sorry I had these so long.
That's okay. I, um,
I have some of yours
that I copied, too.
Hey, is Gene okay?
Claire.
Are you still into him?
Did you tell anyone?
Of course not.
I'm just saying...
just go easy on him.
It's our last night together.
Aw.
Is little Genie okay?
Oh, look at the
poor baby Genie.
Oh, he's so sad!
Sad little Genie.
[laughing]
Did the lady touch
you somewhere?
Son, show me where
she touched you.
Don't lie to us.
Was it here?
How about down here, Son?
[laughing]
You done pretending
to be hurt?
Ooh!
[screaming]
[laughing]
We gotta get him
to the infirmary!
Oh my Lordy!
What did she do
when she found out?
Apparently, she
wanted an abortion.
[Oscar and Ally
imitating sirens]
We have an obese patient!
We gotta treat him, look out!
Quick, Nurse Claire,
we need three CCs
of hyper-feldspar stat!
[Ally] Get out of the way!
Those are my slippers!
All right, clear!
[smacking]
It's not workin'!
[Rose] You guys.
We need to inject it anally.
Quick, take his pants off!
Stop, stop!
Stop it, I'm cured. I'm cured!
[laughing]
Would you guys
mind waiting outside
while we finish up in here?
What, you don't
want us in your room?
Rose, you gotta
start buying CDs.
I don't wanna
repurchase everything
I already have on tape.
Ally, do not go in there!
You guys, uh, check it out.
I'm pretty sure Jimmy
Hoffa's under here.
Gene, quit it!
Guys, can we play
another game, please?
Yeah, anything but Slappy,
'cause Claire hits too hard.
So, who wanted an abortion?
What?
Claire said it just now.
This girl JD
dated, Jen Richards.
But she's gonna keep the baby.
Does JD know?
Yes, he knows. It's not his.
Okay, they broke up a while ago.
More than nine months?
It's not his, Claire.
I can't imagine
being pregnant.
Plenty of girls
at our school were.
Like who? No one I knew.
You do realize that we
had a nursery on campus?
They had a whole page in the
yearbook under Student Activities.
Good God.
"Hey, kids!
Have a baby! It's
a great activity!"
[laughs]
Rose, cut it out.
Okay, yes, JD has sex.
Yes, his ex-girlfriend
is pregnant.
No, it's not his.
Have you had sex?
No.
But... I want to.
Oh my God, guys.
I'm all... what?
What?
Okay, there's no way
I'm the only one here
interested in having sex.
Not before marriage.
You realize this is why JD
says we're repressed, right?
I mean, he calls us
the Bubble Babies.
Lucky for me, I don't
take character notes
from a guy who gets
girls pregnant.
He didn't get her pregnant!
He could have.
Okay, answer me this.
Uh, in four years of high
school, why have none of us
ever dated anyone?
[crickets chirping]
Oh, well, I'm
seeing Puppet Girl.
That doesn't count.
I'm talking about, like, dating
in the same physical space.
I'm sorry, you're
dating a puppet?
No, what? Um,
she's a real girl.
Apparently, she was at the
drama conference last fall.
She was the perky one in that
suicide play with the puppets.
Why am I the last
one to know anything?
Okay, calm down, Rose.
And, first off, just
because it's long distance
doesn't mean we're
not really dating.
Secondly, I know JD thinks
that we're ninny nuns,
or whatever, but
that's hardly true!
So prove it,
Sister Mary Oscar.
Fine, I will,
Sister Mary Gene.
Rose.
Rose used to hide The
Secret Diary of Laura Palmer
in this very mattress
from her parents
because of the super
steamy sex scenes, huh?
Sorry.
Being forbidden
to read about sex
is the definition of repression.
To be clear... I did
not read it for the sex.
I just, I really
liked Twin Peaks.
Okay, well, maybe
Rose is a nun.
- Hey!
- But what about the time that you, me and Ally,
we went to Nora Dowd's house
and we read Madonna's Sex book?
Oh, I will never
look at a water bottle
the same way again.
Or the way Claire,
uh, drools every time
the Wolf sings in
Into the Woods.
What are you talking about?
I don't know, I'm grasping!
The point is...
we're not repressed
because we won't have
sex before marriage.
Here, here.
I fully disagree.
How about
flashlight homosexual?
What about it?
Well, that was a
game we used to play.
That was about sex.
Ooh, can we play
for old time's sake?
Come on, come on, come on.
Good luck. Claire's a prude.
I am not a prude!
I said... prune.
Prove it, prune. You and me.
Yes, hot lesbian action, whoo!
Do we have to play it in here?
Where is the flashlight?
It's in my parents'
room. I'll go get it.
Yeah!
[imitating kissing]
[Claire] Ew!
Found it!
Hey, hold your horses! Oscar...
You said you didn't
wanna do it in your room.
[Rose] Stop!
- I swear, we'll put everything back.
- Guys.
All right, Claire. Time
to channel your inner dyke.
Yeah, okay, just imagine
sleeping with clams.
What does that even mean?
You'll figure it out.
[panting like a dog]
[drum rolling]
[Claire] What do I do?
[Ally] You can come closer.
- [Claire] Should I get all the way under it?
- [Ally] No... what?
[Claire] I can't see!
[Oscar] Here I go!
[cymbals crashing]
Ugh!
Uh...
[gasping]
[group groaning]
Okay, see? I'm not good at this.
Yeah, not the best.
Um, okay, well, how
about Ally and Rose?
Yeah, Rose knows
how it's done!
Fine, but only one
more round, okay?
Come here, little lesbo.
[drum rolling]
[Ally] Come here
...let's do this...
[Rose] Yes, yes yes yes.
[Ally laughing]
[Oscar] And... surprise!
[cymbals crashing]
[laughing]
Oh! Yes!
Why are they so good at it?
It's because they
read vampire lit.
Okay, okay, our
turn, our turn!
Guys, okay, last
round, though.
[giggling]
Okay?
[Oscar] Game time.
[Oscar moaning]
[Rose] I'm kinda
scared to turn it on.
[Ally] Just do it!
[Rose] One, two, three?
[Gene] Yes! Yes!
[Oscar yelling]
[Rose] What am I looking at?
[Oscar] Gene!
[cymbals crashing]
[laughing]
[Ally] Oh my God.
[spitting]
Sorry, I don't swallow.
[Claire] Oh my God.
Gene!
- What?
- What, what, wha'd he do?
Gene spit on the carpet.
Ew, what? Nasty.
It was a joke!
God, I'll clean it up.
Yeah, you bet
your ass you will.
Aw.
Too far, Gene.
Too far.
Who are you to judge?
I'm just saying
you crossed a line.
You always do.
Well, maybe you just don't
know how to take a sex joke.
Oh what? Because
I live in a bubble?
Or whatever?
Well guess what?
I'm the one moving to LA,
and you're the bitter
loser who's stuck here.
You know, I didn't come
here to feel like crap, okay?
Coulda stayed at home for that.
Gene.
Now he's definitely going.
Going where?
I heard JD invite him to a
party, and he said he'd go.
What party?
JD's cousin Sammy?
He said he'd come back
for Gene after 11.
I've met Sammy.
I don't know. You
weren't invited.
I'm sorry I blew up, guys.
Yeah, you should go apologize.
[sighing]
Boys are so emotional.
[crickets chirping]
[owl hooting]
[knocking on window]
[soft piano music]
[car door opening]
[car door closing]
What do you seek?
I seek the answer
to the great question
of life and the universe.
It's 42.
[soft piano music]
I'm sorry I
called you a loser.
You know you're the
smartest person I know.
I'm gonna miss you, Gene.
JD and I are
gonna start a band.
Okay.
It's gonna be sorta
...avant garde.
So it doesn't really
matter how good we are.
It's more about
the... concepts.
But he's introduced
me to some composers.
Like, uh, John Cage.
Brian Eno.
That used to be my role.
Huh?
When we met.
I introduced you to
Tchaikovsky, Strauss, Bizet.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, JD, he just, he says...
Why does everything have to
be about JD all of a sudden?
I mean, I'm the one leaving.
[crickets chirping]
You're my best friend, you know.
Since freshman year, when you
got trash-canned for wearing
those awful purple leopard
MC Hammer pants to school.
I just feel like
you're pushing me away.
I'm not.
I've been trying to hang
out with you for two weeks.
I'm sorry.
[crickets chirping]
It's just, uh,
there's a lot going on
at work.
There's this, uh, coworker,
he's been asking me for help.
With what?
He's um,
he's gay.
And he's afraid that if he
comes out, everyone will treat
him differently, and
he doesn't want that.
Do you still think it's a sin?
What?
Homosexuality.
When did I say that?
Freshman year.
You said that AIDS was
God punishing gay people.
No, I don't
believe that anymore.
So what do you believe now?
Well I guess, um,
love the sinner
...hate the sin.
[crickets chirping]
I think the thing that
made me lose my faith is that
what's right and what's wrong,
it's never set in stone.
Like God, you know, He's
loving and then He's vengeful.
Or homosexuals are cursed,
and then they're tolerable.
I mean, how am I supposed
to have faith in something
when the rules keep changing?
But faith doesn't have rules.
You just believe.
Like I had faith that I would
get into UCLA's drama school,
and now I'm on the
road to Hollywood.
I just, you know,
I had to believe that that was God's plan.
I guess I, I
just don't get it.
Well, I'll keep
praying for you.
I hate that.
[Oscar] Why?
It feels like
you're judging me.
No, I'm not.
It's more like... you're
always in my thoughts.
[owl hooting]
[dish clinking]
Claire, I'm telling you.
I read it in Tiger
Beat. Boys love honesty.
What are you two
whispering about?
Just talking about that party.
Uh, I'm so annoyed
JD didn't invite me.
Maybe you need to practice
being more beguiling?
Pizza core?
Nevermore!
- Who's your friend?
- Rose!
No! Ow!
[gasping]
I'm just a Bubble Baby.
You popped her bubble.
Oh no, Bubble Boy is dead.
Seriously, guys. It's not
like we're that sheltered.
Oh, come on!
Your parents wouldn't
even let you watch it MTV.
True, but I would still
sneak over to my Nana's house
and watch Madonna videos anyway.
Okay, well none of you
were allowed to watch
R-rated movies, and you
made me lie to your mom
when we went to see
The Crying Game.
And The Piano.
[gasping]
Do you remember
when Holly Hunter
put her hand in between
Sam Neill's butt cheeks,
like er ee, er ee?
Er ee, er ee.
Er ee... er ee.
[laughing]
See? We can talk about sex.
That is not how sex works.
And, there is nothing wrong
with us not wanting to date.
Yeah, it's not
like I didn't try.
Ally and I totally
had boyfriends.
That was in like first grade.
So, why don't you
have one now, Ally?
I don't know.
Guys think I'm...
Peculiar?
No.
They're just immature.
Okay.
I mean, I've had
crushes... like Gene.
But nothing happened?
No.
But that was different,
you know. Gene's a friend.
Besides, I don't think
he's into dating.
Uh, how come?
I don't know. Just a feeling.
[swallowing]
How come you don't date, Missy?
Well, I'm married to
the theater, of course!
My whole life.
I'm talking about
the real world.
What does the real
world even mean,
when all the world is a stage?
Here we go.
And the men and women
merely players?
Does everything
have to be a show,
or can you be real for once?
Nothing feels more real
to me than being onstage.
But that's just avoiding
reality by escaping into fantasy.
Maybe you just don't get it
because you're not an actress.
Now, I'm gonna go skim the
pool should anyone want a dip.
[door opening and closing]
She always does that.
As if opera requires
no acting whatsoever.
You should tell
her how you feel.
So... you know about Oscar's
girlfriend before tonight?
Yeah.
I don't take that too
seriously, though.
How come?
Um, when Oscar
talks about girls,
there's something
...off about it.
He described her
boobs as hot sandbags?
Yeah, well, that's a step
up from fat, dead gophers.
Okay, so maybe he's not
really attracted to her.
Keep working it out, Puritan.
I'm not a Puritan!
[Ally] Prove it, prune!
[slamming]
[water lapping]
[crickets chirping]
[door sliding]
[Rose scoffing]
[Ally] It ruins the stars.
[Rose sighing]
[water splashing]
You coming in?
I'm fine right
here, thank you.
You on your period?
Excuse me?
[laughing]
God, are you still pretending
not to bleed from your hoo-ha?
[scoffing]
Like the time you bled in
the backseat of my mom's car
and then blamed it on Chewbarka?
Okay... Are you,
are you mad about what
I said inside still?
Because, Ally, it's true.
Okay, Rose, you
do know that opera
is both singing and acting?
I play a character.
All I'm saying is that our
talents are very different.
No, you act like you are the
only one who has any talent.
That is totally not true.
I think you're an
amazing singer.
Okay, then why
haven't you been
to my recitals in over a year?
Why don't we practice
monologues anymore?
It's like you don't
want me to act.
Please! Prove it.
Okay. Glass Menagerie.
You knew I was dying to play
Laura, and yet you lobbied
for Mr. Herman to
cast Claire instead.
No, I didn't!
Then why wasn't I cast?
Maybe you just weren't
right for the role.
Maybe you were too... odd.
Laura is odd!
She's a gimpy shut-in who's
obsessed with glass animals.
Listen, if you
don't get a role,
you have to get over it.
You will never make it if you
keep crying over spilt milk.
Rose, it's, it's not the Met.
It's not Broadway.
It's us.
Yeah, and I'm just
trying to toughen you up.
What? Would you rather I
blow smoke up your
ass like your folks?
So now my parents
are too supportive?
[scoffing]
What is wrong with you?
[door sliding open]
Towanda!
Whoa!
[water splashing]
[giggling]
What was that?
Towanda! It's the cry
from Fried Green Tomatoes
that screams I don't care
what anyone else thinks.
You know, in the book, those
women were clearly lesbians.
I only saw the movie.
Question, did you
enjoy playing Laura
in The Glass Menagerie?
Please, I couldn't
even remember
which leg was supposed
to be crippled.
Sometimes it changed
during the scene.
Probably just proves I'm
not meant to be an actress.
[giggling]
Oh, God, now what
did I step into?
[door sliding]
[Oscar] How's
my handsome harem?
Yay! They're back.
Time for Truth or Dare.
[Gene] Truth or Dare?
We've never played that.
I did once, in eighth grade.
I had to kiss Stephanie Rialto.
Had to?
What were her boobs like?
Um, what? Are we
playing already or...
Yes, truth or dare, describe
Stephanie Rialto's boobs.
I didn't pick truth.
You did with your eyes.
Just answer the question.
Don't look at me.
Okay, fine. They
were
like
moist meat.
Ew!
What?
There is no word more
disgusting than moist.
Guys, I'm just
being honest, so,
lay off me!
[water splashing]
[laughing]
Truth or dare, Claire?
Mm... dare.
Whoo, daredevil, okay.
Hold your breath underwater
for a full minute.
Boring!
What? A minute's a long time.
I want a real dare.
Um... Fine.
I'm all, swim across
the pool topless.
[chuckling]
I'm just kidding.
[crickets chirping]
Okay.
[water lapping]
[crickets chirping]
[water lapping]
Truth or dare?
Uh... pass.
Now who's the prude?
I'm not getting naked.
Then the truth.
Name your current crush.
Can you put your suit back on?
Why, is this bothering you?
I think it's
bothering everyone.
Tell me who it is first.
And you can't
say Winona Ryder.
You know what, why
don't we just play
Name That Show Tune instead?
Me me me me me me me...
You're sharp. We're
not playing that.
Just name someone already.
I don't wanna play
this game, okay?
It's a feel-bad game,
and I'm not into feeling
bad tonight, got it?
I'm just trying to have fun.
Okay, well that's
never involved you
taking your clothes off before.
[water lapping]
Uh, let's listen to each
other's farts underwater.
[Oscar] Okay, you first.
Da-dum.
[Ally shrieking]
[Ally laughing]
[water lapping]
No no no, no no no no, Gene.
That does not mean
that Data has a soul.
Uh... The entire point
of the episode is to show
that he's a sentient being.
Right, but I think
you're conflating sentience
with having a soul,
which is wrong.
What are they talking about?
- Star Trek.
- Ugh.
Brought these in for you.
Pizza core?
Don't mind if I do.
Pizza core?
Nevermore.
Who's the whore?
Claire.
Ow!
You guys are such jerks!
[chuckling]
Nice one.
What? She's the nudist.
Hester Prynne pays the price.
Oh, you are terrible.
Not as terrible as Star Trek.
Hey.
Well, I actually prefer
Deep Space Nine, so.
Ooh, with Nana Visitor, yeah?
[growling]
More like Deep Throat Nine.
I would like to
Trek her Stars.
Okay, with your tractor beam?
That how you get all
the ladies, Oscar?
No, Oscar just opens his
mouth and tracks 'em in.
Screw you, what?
- What?
- What?
Wha'd I say?
I don't track men in.
I, I said them, not
men. You misheard me.
[Claire] Rose?
What's wrong?
[soft violin music]
Who did this?
There's a note.
"On your crimson wave?
Don't hide in a cave.
Use these and be saved."
Oh, it's a menstrual mystery.
Wow, Rose, I know
you needed a tampon,
but this is a little much.
Is Rose on the rag?
[chuckling]
If this is your
revenge, then bravo,
but I never, ever
humiliated you like this.
Rose, it's a joke.
Let me finish.
I'm sorry that you feel
snubbed or whatever,
but this little stunt
is completely immature
and hostile, am I right?
Leave me out of this.
Et tu, Claire?
I'm not taking sides.
Call me Switzerland.
Okay, well Switzerland agreed
that this would be funny.
- Oh!
- Ally!
I only wrote the note.
I swear it was all her idea.
Who else was in on
this? Hmm, hmm, hmm?
- Oscar?
- What? Don't look at me. I've never even seen a maxi pad.
That's a tampon, you idiot.
[Oscar] I...
Wasn't sabotaging
my game enough?
That wasn't me!
- Well then who stole the last clue?
- It was Gene.
He's the one who's been
a cranky jerk all night.
And the one who's ditching us.
What's that supposed to mean?
You're leaving
us for JD's party.
That's not true!
Then why is your
bag by the door?
I'm sure you guys could
come. He said Ally could come.
Rose said JD only invited you.
No... you, too.
Wow. You lied to me?
I don't remember
every damn detail!
Now who's the traitor?
Gene's the one who's been
lying to us this whole time.
Rose, I swear.
Swear to who? God?
I swear I wanted to be here.
Then why have you been
hiding from us for weeks?
Oh, get this,
he told me it was
'cause his coworker is gay.
Screw you.
You can never keep a secret.
How was that a secret, Gene?
None of us know your coworker!
What coworker? You
work shifts alone.
Yet, yet apparently the
reason why we haven't heard
from him in weeks is because
some guy at the Yogurt Spot
is gay, and Gene is,
what, I don't know,
listening to his problems?
[ringing noise]
So much for loyalty.
Hey, get this.
Oscar's mom told me
that he didn't even get
into the drama
department at UCLA
because he bombed his audition.
Yeah, and he's going around
bragging about all his
prayers coming true, well
it's just another act.
Well, good job, Oscar!
Great performance!
Bravo. Take a bow!
[clapping]
Bravo.
[hard breathing]
Wait, Oscar, you're
not goin' to UCLA?
No, I am, just...
undeclared.
Guys, I'm,
I'm, I'm sorry I didn't
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I just told so many
people that this was
what I was going to do.
But you still got into UCLA.
You're still gonna
be in Hollywood.
It doesn't matter, Rose!
I can't even pass the
audition to study acting.
What are my chances?
I bombed that audition!
And you got into NYU
with a scholarship,
and I'm just some giant fake.
[crying]
It's not true.
You are not a fake.
No, you are so
talented and driven.
You know what, JD was
right. I'm just some phony.
No!
Pardon my French,
but F that guy!
Do you know what he is?
He is an interloper.
And a deadbeat disruptor.
And do you know what else?
Screw UCLA.
You don't need 'em.
They have no idea what
they're missing with you.
[crying]
Hey maybe, maybe it
doesn't even matter
'cause you'll get cast in
some Spielberg film anyway.
I mean it's possible.
Right?
I'm really sorry, guys.
You don't have to be sorry.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, I can't.
Oscar.
[door slamming]
Get the door, Gene.
Spielberg?
Really?
Come on.
[door creaking]
Genie! Didn't hear me honking?
Okay, zombie. Ally comin' too?
Um, I don't know... uh.
Come in for a sec.
[door creaking and closing]
Whoa.
[scoffing]
What happened here?
Did you guys, uh, run
outta apple juice?
Rose never runs
out of anything.
Okay... um.
Just here to grab Gene, so.
Oh yeah? Uh,
where you going?
To... another
party, actually.
Are we all invited?
Well, my, uh, I
don't have enough
room in my car to...
We have cars.
Sure, yeah.
I mean, if you wanna go.
No thanks. I just
wanted an invitation.
[scoffing]
Oh, okay. Uh... Rose?
Oh, no. I have my
flight in the morning.
That's right.
Yeah, the, uh, the Big Apple.
You sure you're ready?
That seedy city
might eat you alive.
You know what?
It might.
And maybe I am callow and naive.
But I am so much more
than your pithy judgments.
We all are, actually.
Rose, I'm joking...
The truth is, we have
something that you don't.
And that's real friends.
Friends that are
more like family.
So, you can call us
Bubble Babies, or prudes,
but I see through you, too.
And all I see is a
self-important cynic.
[scoffing]
Nice monologue.
Uh... I'm just gonna.
I wanna go to Sammy's.
Can, can I wear this?
Uh, yeah, come as you are.
Nice job protecting
your friends.
Just wish that included me.
[door opening]
[Ally sighing]
Hey, JD?
[dog barking]
I'm gonna stay here.
I,
I need to say goodbye.
Say hi to Sammy for me, okay?
[dog barking]
Your loss, Genie.
Looks like it's just
you and me, doll.
Don't worry, I'll
show you a good time.
Ha! So presumptuous.
Hey, JD?
Gene. Not Genie.
[soft piano music]
[car door closing]
[car door opening]
[car door closing]
[dog barking]
[engine starting]
[knocking on door]
He's gone. You okay?
I just feel so overdramatic.
If you were overdramatic,
then what am I?
Patti LuPone?
More like Norma Desmond.
[chuckling]
How's the hermit?
"My name is Harold, and
[Both] I live here all alone."
[soft piano music]
You stayed.
My Labrador.
I'm sorry, Pepper.
Yeah, me too.
Where's Ally?
Uh, she went with JD.
Really?
Well that's a first.
Yeah, it was
all my fault, too.
I kept lecturing her
about the real world.
Meanwhile, my parents are
making me double major
in econ.
'Cause they're convinced
that the acting thing
isn't... gonna work out for me.
So.
Part of me wishes we could
stay like this forever.
I don't.
[phone ringing]
[sighing]
God bless it!
[phone ringing]
[restaurant chattering]
Hello?
[Mother] Hi, Honey, it's me.
Hi, Mommy. You having fun?
[Mother] Mm-hmm, we'll
be home in an hour.
I'm glad.
- [Mother] So was your party a hit?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's been
fine.
[Mother] Oh, you know,
I meant to tell you.
Guys!
Guess what I found?
Uh! Pee-wee Herman's dignity?
No, it's the last clue!
You guys, my mom found it
under the tree in the back.
She thought it was
there by mistake.
[laughing]
I'm glad my name's
finally cleared.
Come on!
Don't you want to, uh...
solve the mystery, huh, huh?
Rose, I already did.
[snorting]
Yeah, okay.
Who killed me?
We all did.
How did you know that?
Because you've loved the
...they all did it ending,
Agatha Christie, thank you,
since like fifth grade.
That's true.
So, yeah.
[glass crashing]
[sighing]
Goddammit, son of a bitch,
shit kickers from hell!
[screaming]
[hard breathing]
That felt really good.
[upbeat classical music]
Goddammit, shit
kickers from hell!
[laughing]
[Gene] Hey, stop
making a mess, Claire!
Oscar, don't hit me!
Gene!
Oh, Oscar, don't hit yourself!
[upbeat classical music]
[laughing]
[upbeat classical music]
No!
Hands up where I can see 'em!
Ah!
Ah!
[upbeat classical music]
[crickets chirping]
[knocking on sliding glass door]
[door unlatching]
Did you... need
to get your stuff?
Can I still spend the night?
Of course.
I'm sorry
that I wasn't more supportive.
I really do think you're
incredibly talented.
Thanks.
So are you.
Sorry I messed up your bedroom
and called you a bitch.
When did you call me a bitch?
Oh like, in my
head all the time.
[exhaling]
How was the party?
It was fine.
I made out with a cute guy.
But then he puked everywhere,
so I had JD bring me back.
You made out with
some... some stranger?
Wh-Why?
I dunno.
Change of scenery.
You should try it.
[door latching]
Hey, you can sleep by me. Eh?
I mean, Ally won't be here to
make her giant Big Bird nest, so...
Oh, excuse you!
Ally?
[laughing]
The prodigal daughter returns!
Yeah, they didn't have
costumes or cheese balls,
so I had to motor.
- Dah!
- Hey!
[Oscar] Yay.
There's room over here, Gene.
[giggling]
Wanna help me move the table?
[Ally giggling]
[slow teeth brushing]
[fast teeth brushing]
Are you okay?
Huh?
Uh, yeah.
[spitting]
[door closing]
[Mother] We're back!
[Gene] Look who's home!
- [Mother] Everybody have a good time?
- [Rose] Hi, Mommy.
[Oscar] Nice dress, Mrs. Z!
[door closing]
You like Gene a lot, right?
Like, more than a friend?
[sighing]
Did Rose say something?
No. No no no.
I just,
I'm not sure Gene likes girls.
What do you mean?
I mean I've noticed that
Gene seems to like boys a lot.
Like Oscar. Or how
Oscar likes JD.
But Oscar has a girlfriend.
Okay... okay.
Okay, I was just at Sammy's
and Sammy is definitely gay.
But that doesn't mean Gene is.
True, but what
about that story
he told us about
his gay coworker?
Look,
don't tell him I said anything.
I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but,
I just want you to
mind your expectations.
Trust me. I've
been there before.
[water running]
[door opening]
[door closing]
[hard breathing]
[crickets chirping]
Rose?
Yes, Darling?
[Oscar blowing raspberry]
[laughing]
Farts are funny.
[giggling]
Farts are not funny!
Yes they are!
[blowing raspberry]
[group imitating passing gas]
[laughing]
[group imitating passing gas]
Oh! Four Farts and a Funeral.
[laughing]
Jurassic Fart.
[laughing]
Ooh, ooh, um,
Robin Hood, Prince of Farts.
[laughing]
You guys, shh!
[laughing]
The Remains of the Fart.
[laughing]
The Silence of the Farts!
[laughing]
[Mother] Go to bed.
You have an early flight.
[soft giggling]
Rose, you have an early fart.
[loud laughing]
Shh, okay.
Good night.
[blowing raspberry]
[giggling]
[Gene laughing]
Shh!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, it's after laugh.
What's after laugh?
It's like, um,
when everybody's done laughing
and you just start thinking
about what was funny,
so you start laughing
all over again.
[laughing]
Okay, see? So you just,
you just pre-laughed.
What's pre-laugh?
It's when you're
already laughing,
and then you just anticipate
the next thing someone says
is also gonna be funny.
So basically you're
just laughing
before the punchline
even happens.
I never knew there were
so many laugh layers.
That's, that's why
you gotta stick with me.
Hey, I'm,
I'm sorry for being
a jerk tonight.
And for not calling you back.
Sounds like work's been a lot.
Your coworker's problem?
Does he ever pray about it?
I don't think he's into that.
You can still pray
for him, I mean.
I pray for you.
Everybody is so concerned
for my immortal soul.
I love you, Gene.
I love you too.
You're like, uh,
the sister I never had.
Sweet dreams.
Night.
[birds chirping]
[soft piano music]
[sighing]
[soft piano music]
[car door opening and closing]
[exhaling]
[belt buckling]
[engine starting]
[passengers chattering]
[luggage rolling]
[Mother] Apples and cheese.
[camera clicking]
We look like
we're in a lineup.
Criminals, turn to your left.
[camera clicking]
Now the other way.
[camera clicking]
Okay, okay, don't
miss your flight.
[soft piano music]
[PA] Last call for Flight 32.
[sobbing]
[passengers chattering]
[soft piano music]
Guys, lighten up.
She'll be back in three months.
No, Christmas break
is in four months.
She's going to
college. She's not dying.
[soft piano music]
[Mother] Chalo, chalo, chalo!
Relax, Ma!
It's not like the freeway
closes in five minutes!
It's called
separation anxiety.
Why are you so right?
[Oscar] I'll miss you.
I know the Lord has something
great in store for you.
Thank you.
[soft music]
[door closing]
Has anyone seen Pokey Panda?
[Ally] Yeah, he's
in the milk crate.
And then I also need the...
[grunting]
[soft music]
[birds chirping]
I guess this is
goodbye, old pal
[chuckling]
[soft music]
I have faith in you, Pepper.
[soft music]
[engine starting]
[bittersweet music]
Goodbye!
[chuckling]
Then there were two.
Hey, what time's your flight
leave tomorrow? Eight?
Nine. P.m.
P.m.?
Yeah. It's a red-eye.
Shoot, I have, I have to work.
Hakuna matata.
I don't need a big,
dramatic sendoff.
[scoffing]
Fine. It's been
swell knowin' ya.
[chuckling]
Hey, how's your
coworker, by the way?
Oh, uh.
He's fine.
Better, actually.
Good.
You see JD this week?
Yeah, actually,
uh, with Sammy.
He and I are supposed to go see
this movie about a desert queen.
Awesome.
Sammy's really cool.
[birds chirping]
Yeah.
You know, um,
we all love you.
Okay?
No matter what.
[birds chirping]
[kissing]
[slapping]
Hey! Uh, send me your
number the minute you get it!
[car door opening and closing]
[keys jingling]
[laughing]
[keys jingling]
[engine starting]
That it's old and
it's totally over now
And it's old and it's
over, it's over now
And it's over, it's
over, it's over
Now I can see myself
At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any
more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at
the end of the tour
The engagements are booked
through the end of the world
So we meet at the
end of the tour
Never to part since
the day we met
Out on Interstate 91
I was bent metal you
were a flaming wreck
When we kissed
at the overpass
I was sailing along
with the people
Driving themselves to
distraction inside me
Then came a knock on
the door which was odd
And the picture
abruptly changed
At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any
more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at
the end of the tour
The engagements are booked
through the end of the world
So we'll meet at
the end of the tour
And we're never
gonna tour again
No, we're never
gonna tour again
to tell you that...
[knocking on door]
[Mom] Gene?
[Gene] Mm-hmm?
[Mom] Oh!
You comin' to church?
I already told you!
I wasn't going anymore.
[Mom] Service is at
5:30, honey, you working?
No, it's Rose's
going-away party.
[Mom] Uh, Rose goes to
church with her folks.
I'm not a kid anymore,
Mom. I'm almost 18.
[Mom] God does not
care how old you are.
More like God
doesn't care at all?
[Mom] I'll light a candle
for you and your friends.
[keys jingling]
Great.
Maybe I'll get raptured.
[upbeat rock music]
[static]
[upbeat classical music]
[vacuum humming]
[upbeat classical music]
[doorbell ringing]
God bless it.
[classical music with drumroll]
Why, Miss Alice, do come in.
Oh my gosh, Rose,
you look amazing!
Whom is this Rose
that you speak of?
Miss Havisham?
Yes! Yes, the one and only!
Oh, come come come!
Come in, come in!
[upbeat classical music]
Drink?
Of course, it's tradition.
Don't you dare give
that child spirits,
or I'll have you arrested!
Heavens! It's Sherlock Holmes!
How'd you sneak in?
Elementary, Alice.
I'm on the trail of
the White Rabbit.
Stick out your tongue, child.
[gasping]
Just as I suspected,
you ate him!
Oh!
[giggling]
[slapping]
Cough him up, you lost soul!
[doorbell ringing]
God bless it!
[dramatic music]
Why, it's Mrs. Mina Harker!
[hissing]
Dare I let you
pass my threshold?
Do I have to do
a British accent?
You know it always ends
up sounding Southern.
As you wish.
Awesome. You look
rad, by the way.
I know.
[upbeat classical music]
May I take your things?
[throat clearing]
Mrs. Harker, may I introduce
Miss Alice and Mr. Holmes?
[hissing]
Scary!
Ravishing and ravenous!
Oh, thank you.
[camera clicking]
Where's Gene?
No sign.
The mystery continues.
Has nobody talked to him?
Mm, he's been flaky. Like
these 19th century Doritos.
You guys, I'm worried.
Gene would never miss this.
I...
wanted
to tell you...
that...
I'm a homo.
A Homo sapien!
Stupid...
[group chattering]
[glass dinging]
Here, here! Shall we
let one fickle absentee
dampen our spirits?
Then welcome, friends,
to our final fete.
Tonight, we shall embark upon...
[doorbell ringing]
God bless it.
Hmm, I wasn't sure to
expect you, Mr. Um...
Long John Silver?
Apologies.
But pirate costumes
are not my forte.
Mm, you don't say.
I'm Dr. Jekyll.
I pray that's in keeping with
the Victorian theme, ma'am?
[somber classical music]
Mm. That's a terrible
pirate costume.
Introducing... Dr. Jekyll.
Doctor?
Hm, now where have you been
Hyde-ing all this time?
Very punny, Pepper.
[somber classical music]
Well, since we are
all here now, hm?
Please make
yourselves comfortable
while I prepare
some hors d'ouevres.
Are you avoiding me, Jekyll?
No, no, just been
busy with work.
[smoke blowing]
[chuckling]
That's a paltry excuse.
Hey there, wanna
see my Grand Canyon?
My, look at those ravines!
[Ally] Come get
it, come get it!
[Oscar] Oh my goodness!
Gimme more, gimme more!
You finish Franny
and Zooey yet?
Crap.
I forgot your book.
You look top drawer, by the way.
[Rose screaming]
Great Scott!
Showtime.
[upbeat classical music]
Oh!
[Ally] Well, so much
for the hors d'ouevres.
I spy a note.
I'll handle the
clues, you goon.
[upbeat music]
"Should I die before we mingle,
solve the mystery
with this jingle.
In the library sits
Sissy Jupe's clue,
Do unto others what
I've done to you."
Who the devil is Sissy Jupe?
She's in Hard Times.
Like Rose is hard for Dickens.
To the library!
There's a library?
[upbeat classical music]
Hard Times, Hard Times...
It's also the
Bible's Golden Rule.
Smells like the
Word of God to me.
Which is what?
Judgmental?
Don't blaspheme, Gene.
Focus, people!
Where is the verse?
The Golden Rule is in
Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31.
It's a bit redundant, innit?
Mm-hmm.
[throat clearing]
"On the Victrola
Donizetti plays,
a poison she drinks
in a love haze."
What in the...
Wait, Donizetti?
Rose, you got the
composer wrong!
[Rose] No I didn't!
Guys, it's a Verdi opera.
To the Victrola!
There's a Victrola?
[upbeat classical music]
"Il" what, opera diva?
Look for, uh, Maria
Callas, or Sutherland, uh,
maybe Price, too.
Bingo.
[upbeat classical music]
May I?
Come now, we all know that
detectives read the clues,
not deranged doctors.
[upbeat classical music]
Stop!
'Kay. "Under fair timber,
Jack the Ripper hacks.
Open the box, then
watch your backs."
Uh.
Under fair timber?
Under fair timber?
Trees are outside, Holmes.
[classical music building]
Does Mr. Hyde need a sedative?
"Seda-give?"
[grunting]
Here they go.
[struggling]
[laughing]
What?
you ticklish?
[laughing]
Shall we try outside?
Uh, yep, let's start
with the woodpile.
"To the lumber yard!"
Ah!
[laughing]
I'll free you, if
you say you were wrong.
[doorbell ringing]
Never!
[struggling]
Hey, it's a miracle!
She's alive!
Actually, it's the pizza.
Intermission, everybody!
[struggling]
[laughing]
[door opening]
JD?
Holy shit!
Uh, Christ, is it Halloween?
Heh, uh, no, um,
actually, we're, we're
having like a, a,
Victorian murder mystery party?
Okay.
Uh, here, let me
take these from you.
Oh! What up? JD in the house!
What's up?
Hello, mate.
Geeze, what is on your face?
Is that magic marker?
Uh, no, it's my mom's mascara.
That's so foul!
[laughing]
I'm Sherlock, and he's Jekyll.
It's a panopoly of
literary characters, so.
A panopoly?
A, a parade of characters?
You mean a panoply.
I'm all, that, too!
[laughing]
What... Okay, come
in, bro, come in!
This is Martinelli's
Sparkling Cider.
So, like, British cider?
No! No no no no
It's non-alcoholic.
Mmm, yummy.
Oh.
It's a kiddie party.
Okay.
[nervous laughing]
So, uh... what, you're
Jane Eyre's madwoman?
Hint. I was
spurned at the altar.
Oh, Jesus, Miss Havisham?
Yes!
Well played, sir!
[JD] God, Great Expectations
is such a shitty book.
I mean, Dickens is a hack.
Yeah, it's, it's like
a bad soap opera, right?
Hey, you, uh, mind
if I spike this cider?
Oh, ha! Actually, that
is my parents' liquor,
so I would prefer you didn't.
Don't panic. Just a smidge.
[liquor pouring]
[Ally] What gives?
Are we still playing?
Shh.
Shh.
Boo!
Hey, JD!
Jesus, Ally. You look bangin'.
I'm Dracula's
bountiful wine press.
Ooh, rawr.
Once bitten but not shy.
[laughing]
Guess who I am?
A... pedophile victim?
[laughing]
Oh my God! Burn on Claire.
I'm Alice, you ass.
You know Lewis Carroll made
bacon with the real Alice?
Wait, didn't you
say J.M. Barrie also?
Yeah, gotta look out
for those old blokes
writing about minors.
Though you may
encounter wolves!
Uh, what?
It's a line from
Into the Woods.
[JD] Oh Christ, is
that some musical?
By the god of musicals
himself, Stephen Sondheim!
Yeah, I, I can't
stand musicals.
I mean, they're so, like,
phony and implausible.
I mean, yeah, Phantom of
the Opera is totally phony.
Gives other musicals a bad rap.
So, uh, how come I wasn't
invited to this little soiree?
I like literature.
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
I, it was actually just
supposed to be like,
a little going-away
thing because I leave
for NYU tomorrow, and I,
I didn't really have...
Okay, Rose, Rose! Calm down.
All right? I, I was joking.
I mean, I, I can't
stand costume parties.
Yeah, or awesome
games, apparently.
Wow, not gonna
let that go, huh?
Last week, we saw this movie
called Spanking the Monkey
and, uh, JD refused to play
Scattergories after it.
Wait, you and JD?
Yeah.
And Gene.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
It was totally last minute.
So, you're, uh, goin'
to New York tomorrow?
Indeed.
Broadway or bust!
Right.
I, I, I'm studying acting too,
but, um, for film.
UCLA's Theater School.
That mean you'll
be in a movie?
Well, I mean, I'll
be in LA, so I can
get an agent and
make connections.
Sounds easy.
[nervous breathing]
Oh, hey, I, uh,
I told Sammy that you're
studying opera at Oberlin.
He said the dorms have
coed showers there.
Coed?
[scoffing]
I'd never bathe.
Rose, it's a
shower, not an orgy.
Okay, well, you say that now.
Your college
have coed showers?
No!
No.
It's a Christian college?
Pepperdine?
I'm majoring in theater, but
mainly behind the scenes.
Maybe costumes...
She made my dress.
[Rose] Mm-hm.
Oh.
I don't really
know what I'm doing.
I'll probably end
up making costumes
for, like, my kids'
plays or something.
No, you're gonna win an Oscar.
Right, I forgot.
Yeah. And Oscar's
gonna win an Oscar,
and Rose is gonna win a Tony,
and Ally's gonna win a Grammy,
and Gene'll win a...
a toaster.
Gee, thanks.
No, okay, I mean,
but, is there a prize
for drawing cartoons?
Ah, Gene's got a
bright future right here
at our fine community college.
Oh, is that, uh, is
that where you go now?
Oh, no. I, uh, I never
finished high school.
I'm sorry. I didn't know that.
Why are you sorry?
I couldn't wait to get
out of that fraud factory.
You know, 'cause I'd
rather deliver pizzas
to drama nerds in
frou-frou costumes
than conform to
society's expectations.
[nervous laughing]
Well, hey, you're still
the smartest person I know,
so high school can suck it.
Plus, I mean, who
needs to take the SA with your vocabulary?
Uh, we started this game
where we try to find
one perfect word to
describe something.
Hm, yeah, to, uh,
you know, keep, like,
non-pedestrian words alive.
Yep.
You know, so we don't all
start sounding Orwellian.
I'm all, uh... Newspeak!
Here, um, describe
me in one word.
All right.
Um.
You're...
clandestine.
That's weird.
Why?
Don't you always
feel that Gene's
hiding something from you?
Me? What?
No, I'm as honest as Abe!
Um, uh... What about Ally?
Ally... is beguiling.
Ooh, monsieur!
Yeah, nice try, uh,
keep practicing.
Bite me!
Okay. Okay okay! Do me, do me!
Uh...
Hold on, let me, um, refill.
[crunching]
[slurping]
[pouring]
[crunching]
[crunching]
Hmm, the salutatorian is...
grandiloquent.
Okay, cool, right on!
I love that word.
Um, grand... Okay, do Claire!
Oh, well, that one's easy.
Puritanical.
I'm supposed to be a child!
Babe, it's not
just the outfit.
And, last but not
least, Rose is...
callow.
Mm... Mmm.
Well, gotta get
back to the grind.
But, uh,
enjoy your little... play time.
So I'm going to a party
later at my cousin's.
You should come.
You mean Sammy's?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, he
thinks you're cool.
Uh, this is a... sleepover.
Sleepover?
What are you, five?
[laughing]
No. Okay, I get
off of work at 11,
I'll swing by, you'll
escape to Sammyville.
Look, there's gonna be kegs,
cool cats, killer dames.
You're gonna dig it, Daddy-o.
[cigarette burning]
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, and, uh,
you know, tell Ally, too.
Yeah.
[heels clicking]
Don't forget your tip.
Oh yeah, thanks.
Probably eat soon.
Pizza's getting cold.
[coughing]
[scoffing]
Eh.
[door opening and closing]
[coughing]
We're gonna have to
work on that, Genie.
I hate being called that.
I'll see you out here at 11.
[soft piano music]
He's such a jerk.
You know, I can't stand
how he takes Jesus' name
in vain all the time.
It's like a Woody Allen
film I can't turn off!
Well, you don't
believe in God,
then what is the incentive?
You think he's an atheist?
You lookin' up grandiloquent?
No.
Does it mean speaking grandly?
It means someone who
tries to impress others
by using big words.
Yeah, I knew that, thanks.
I was actually looking up
when, um, callow was coined.
So.
Ugh!
Who does that loser think he is?
I wasn't born yesterday!
I'm the one going to New
York, and he is stuck here
in this podunk town where
nothing ever happens.
I'm right here, Rose.
No, no, I wasn't,
I wasn't talking about you.
I meant JD.
Okay, well, I'm
also stuck here, so...
No! No no no! You,
you have your diploma, Gene.
And you have talent
and, and drive and,
and places to go.
Oh, really? What places?
Clandestine ones?
Sneaking off, watching
movies while pretending
to be busy at work?
You know, I'm still
going to college.
You know, I'm not
a total slacker.
Guys, there are
plenty of people
who don't need
school to be smart.
Okay, but you
still need a diploma
if you don't wanna be
delivering pizzas for
the rest of your life.
Okay, you wanna be an actress.
There are tons of
actors without degrees.
Yep, but, di, mm-mm,
not stage actors.
We have to be well educated.
It's frauds like Julia
Roberts who need nothing...
[group groaning]
She has no formal training,
she is just a model
with giant teeth!
So what?
So you're saying I don't need a college
diploma because I'm a film actor?
I think the point is,
is that Gene's nothing
like JD, right?
Were you smoking?
No, what?
Uh, I mean just a puff.
Gene, smoking
is so bad for you.
Yeah, especially your voice.
Okay, guys, I'm
not an opera singer.
It's fine if you don't inhale.
I had to smoke for research
when I played Tom
in Glass Menage.
Yeah, that was different.
That was for a role.
See, this is my issue with JD.
It's not that he's a slacker.
It's the smoking,
and the drinking,
and... just bad behavior.
I hate to say it, but
you sound puritanical.
I'm not puritanical.
Mm, you're pretty
square, Claire.
Just because Claire
doesn't wanna cavort
with a cad like JD does not
mean that she's a square.
You're just jealous.
Oh, of what?
Of JD calling me beguiling.
Honey, beguiling
is not a compliment.
Isn't it?
You're so wrong.
Beats callow any day.
It sure doesn't!
You guys, who
cares what JD thinks?
He's not even like us.
I mean, Rose just
said he's an atheist!
So?
What if I was an atheist?
But you're not.
Okay, but what if I was?
I mean... are you for real?
No, he's not for real.
He's just trying to
be like JD to be cool.
No, I'm being serious.
Yeah, what makes us friends?
It can't be because
everyone believes in God.
Why not?
I mean, I don't have
Bible study with you guys,
but our shared
faith connects us.
Whoa whoa whoa,
our shared faith?
Claire, you used to give
me those end times cartoons
listing pro-choice people as
going to hell on Judgment Day.
I'm not talking
about abortion!
She just means that
we're all Christian.
Exactly.
Oh, yes! Yeah yeah yeah.
We're all Christian until
someone is invited to Mass
and then told she
can't take communion
'cause she's not Catholic!
You're Lutheran!
We don't even believe that
communion is the same thing.
It's, like, it's,
the whole point of Luther!
We believe in
transubstantiation.
You believe in
consubstantiation.
[group arguing]
Oh my God! You guys! Stop!
What is your point? What
are you trying to tell us?
[soft piano music]
That I'm...
[soft piano music]
I wanted to tell you that...
[soft piano music]
That I don't know if I
believe in God anymore.
And I guess it, it hurts
to hear you judge JD,
and it makes me
question us as a group.
So,
so what do you believe in?
I guess I'm agnostic?
I mean, there might be
some sort of unknown spirit
or, or some stuff that
science can't explain, but
God seems pretty man-made to me.
Okay.
Well... Um.
You know, Job was tested.
Yeah. And and and
Jonah and the whale,
and even Jesus. I mean,
Gene, I think you're
just being tested.
Faith is a personal thing.
And as for what
glues us together,
beats me.
Maybe fart jokes?
[dog barking]
Okay.
Okay.
[CD tray opening and closing]
Someday mother will die
And I'll get the money
May I have this dance?
Is this Salt and Pepa?
No, but I will play
Sondheim next, you old broad.
I can't dance to this garbage!
But you look
fabulous, Dahling!
All right, Showbiz Pizza Place
band right now, let's go!
Yes yes yes yes yes!
Ooh! Dibs on the dog drummer!
- You're gonna be the dumb bird head, let's go.
- Ugh.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
And I am a snake
head eating the head
On the opposite side
I palindrome I
Gene?
I need a keyboard gorilla.
See that bulletproof dress
hanging from the clothesline
Well,
Looks like token girl
cheerleader mouse is all yours.
[laughing]
Now I'll help it decide
I palindrome I
Okay... Yeah!
[laughing]
I palindrome I
And I am a snake
head eating the head
On the opposite side
I palindrome I
Manonam
[chuckling]
Eureka! I found the timber!
Come, come! Get
out of the bushes,
it's not bushes, it's timber!
Come help search for the box.
Is this the last clue?
'Cause this corset's
killing my boobs.
What if Rose buried it?
Oh God, I wouldn't
put it past her.
Okay, pause.
This is the final clue.
We've gotta get this!
[door opening and closing]
The last clue's missing.
What?
God bless it! Ugh!
[Rose sighing]
[Oscar giggling]
[digging]
What are you doing?
Well, I figured
it was in here!
The sand looked soft.
That's where
Grizabella is buried!
Uh, no!
Yuck, yuck,
cover it up! Cover it up!
Guys, it's a cat,
not her Grandma!
Ugh!
Ugh!
Someone took it.
A mystery inside a mystery!
What? But it wasn't me, I swear.
[hard breathing]
Gene?
Why me?
- Maybe you don't wanna be here?
- What if it was JD?
No way, what's his motive?
Uh, he clearly thought
our game was stupid,
now he's messing with us.
Ally, you've been acting
weirder than usual today.
You look very
suspicious right now.
What's that supposed to mean?
Hold on, okay, what, what if
it's merely a red herring, huh?
And Rose really has it?
Oh! A final twist!
You clever girl.
[hard breathing]
You know what, you know what?
- What?
- You know what?
What?
If you guys
don't like my game,
if you don't wanna play
my game, that's fine.
Ha ha! That's fine.
We won't play my game.
Game over. Ha!
Game over!
No, no.
No no no no no no no!
No, at least just
give me a hint!
Nice one, guys.
Now she'll be like
this the whole night.
Game over!
Hey, uh,
I'm sorry about seeing
that movie without you.
With JD, things just happen.
Sperm of the moment?
Super spermy.
[chuckles]
Well, you know I
like movies, too.
And JD, minus the flakiness.
And me?
I like you loyal,
like a Labrador.
[Gene laughing]
So, you have a
hard-on for JD, huh?
What?
Ew, don't be gross.
I mean, okay, yeah,
he can be cool.
Like when he told me
to go for Puppet Girl.
Oh yeah.
Uh, how's that going?
Uh. You know.
Her breasts are like
warm sandbags.
[trunk closing]
I'm all,
- Schwing!
- Schwing!
[laughing]
Who's Puppet Girl?
Oh, uh, 'member that
really rad girl we met
at the last drama competition?
She was the one who was in
the play, with the puppet?
Anyway, um, she and
Oscar still talk.
- And write!
- And write.
Hm, are you guys,
like, goin' out?
- No.
- I mean, technically, yeah.
But it's a little tricky because
she lives up in Brea, so.
Uh, wait,
you didn't tell me that
you guys were dating.
Well, I mean,
it's long distance,
but we are making plans
to see each other again.
She's gonna visit
me when I'm in LA.
Yeah.
Remember
Remember
[light music]
I rented some stuff for
us to watch after the game,
which is, uh,
now over. I guess.
Okay.
Ooh, Young Frankenstein.
"Frankensteen."
[chuckling]
Heathers, yes.
Blazing Saddles. Classic.
Princess Bride.
"Mawage..."
[Both] "Mawage is wot
bwings us togetha today!"
[Ally chuckling]
What's this blank one?
Oh, uh, that one is our
production of Glass Menagerie.
Glass Menage.
Why, why would I
wanna watch this?
[Rose] I don't know.
'Cause we were all in it?
I'm not in it.
Well, I mean, sure,
but you ran sound.
I don't know, I just thought
it would be nostalgic.
We don't have to watch it.
Ooh, watch what?
The Glass Monotony?
It's hot and
it's monogamous!
Claire, do you wanna watch this?
I hate watching myself.
See? Claire hates it too.
I vote Clue! Let
me change first.
No no no, that's...
[door slamming]
Right. Okay, well,
shall we change in there?
Probably wanna wash
off your, uh, mascara.
Just a... little bit.
Come on!
[Oscar humming a waltz]
[backpack slamming]
[laughing]
Worst dance partner ever.
Okay, well let me take
my backpack off next time.
Well, there's not
gonna be a next time.
[laughing]
Okay.
[throat clearing]
Hm.
So did you, uh, work
at the Yogurt Spot today?
Uh, yeah. First, first shift.
First shift, huh?
Mm-hmm.
And you were still
late to the party?
Okay.
[water running]
Try this, cretin.
Me no bath good.
[imitating gorillas]
[laughing]
[water running]
Okay.
Thought we were watching Clue?
We are making our own movie.
"I'm ready for my
closeup, Miss Ally."
Hey, what, you're not
gonna sleep in here?
Just don't wanna
get in the way.
Hey, Rose, smile
for the camera.
Ooh, snazzy finger,
you do that very well.
Thank you.
C-A-DOUBLE L-O-W.
Callow, my ass.
[laughing]
I'm so bad at giving
the finger, I'm...
[making painful noise]
Ow, it doesn't feel
right, like, whew.
Oh, that's sad, uh-huh.
I bet Gene can do it!
[Rose] Oh yeah!
- Why, because he doesn't believe in God?
- Yes.
I'm all... the devil himself
taught me the biker finger.
Show me, bad boy!
I will show you.
[clearing throat]
[guitar warmup music]
Heh!
[group groaning]
JD's way better at it.
Come on, that was
the best one yet.
[Ally] All right,
your turn, Claire.
No. No, no, no. Pass.
Are you... chicken?
Turkey?
[imitating turkeys]
No, not on camera!
[Ally] Why not?
You're not a politician.
Here, let the devil help you!
[laughing]
Stop! Stop... Stop.
Please please please? Oh!
Whoa, look, now
Claire's going to hell!
[laughing]
Okay, this feels
like Reality Bites.
Or like The Real World?
Uh, where it's, like, an hour
dissecting why one guy
ate the last pickle.
Oh my God, wait, let's
do, like, a reenactment of
Claire and Gene but totally
blow it out of proportion.
Yes! Yes!
Okay, okay, first
scene is Rose and Oscar
commenting on the couch.
Chop chop!
[laughing]
Okay, give me that
magic. Here we go.
And... action.
['90s hip-hop music]
I'm telling you, Jebediah,
he came at her like a monster.
You're overblowing
things, like always.
Brad may be an atheist and a
liar, but he's not a monster.
Listen to me!
He grabbed her out of nowhere
and he forced her
to give the finger!
I mean, he could have hurt her...
He was helping her, Chrissy,
what, you want
her to learn about
flipping the bird
from the streets?
Ugh!
Do you want the truth?
[Both] You can't
handle the truth!
['90s hip-hop music climax]
[sighing]
Thank you.
[clapping]
Oscar, that was great.
Rose, you were overacting.
All right, let's get
Gene and Claire's
footage in the
dining room. Come!
No.
Okay.
Can't you play my character?
Claire, of course not.
I'm the director. I'm in charge.
She's like the
female Robert Altman.
Yes, quick, everybody
talk at the same time!
[group talking at same time]
Hey, wait, do you
remember when we saw
Huey Lewis peeing in Short Cuts?
Why do you bring
that up all the time?
Okay, quiet! Quiet
on set, please!
All right, Claire, you're going
to walk through the doorway
and be surprised to see
Gene, the perpetrator!
And Gene, you are going to
try and apologize to Claire
and show her that you are more
than a violent, lying atheist.
[laughing]
Guys, I'm not an atheist.
Heh! It's called
acting, all right.
Okay, places!
- Hustle!
- Come on, come on.
- All right, ready?
- Quiet on set.
And.
Action!
[ethereal rock music]
[crunching]
Yolanda?
Yes... Brad?
I never meant to hurt you.
Then why'd you do it?
Why do we do anything, Yola?
Point is, I'm not a monster.
I only acted that way because
I'm in love with you!
[guitar music builds]
Will you marry me?
Buttercup?
[slap striking]
Oh! Jiminy Christmas! Oh!
Claire!
I'm sorry!
I thought that you'd
do, like, stage combat!
You're not supposed to actually
hit them in stage combat!
Well we slap each
other all the time!
Here, let me get an ice pack.
That looked great on camera.
Come, yeah, come see!
[laughs]
Nice, Claire, you got an arm!
[Ally laughing]
Peas or corn?
[chuckling]
Listen, I won't be offended
if you need to take off.
I know you have more
exciting places to be.
No I don't.
Okay, fine.
Just... don't stay out of pity.
[Ally] You're headed
for the top, Claire.
Did you bring my tapes?
I wanna pack them
before I forget.
Claire, okay, it's time
for your stage combat lesson,
'cause this...
[laughing]
Oh wait! Let's do
bad stage combat.
Oh yes! Okay.
All right, you hit me first.
Okay, great.
You... rascal!
Ayesh! My funny
bone! How could you?
Okay, do me.
Oh!
My knee!
[dog barking]
Uh, sorry I had these so long.
That's okay. I, um,
I have some of yours
that I copied, too.
Hey, is Gene okay?
Claire.
Are you still into him?
Did you tell anyone?
Of course not.
I'm just saying...
just go easy on him.
It's our last night together.
Aw.
Is little Genie okay?
Oh, look at the
poor baby Genie.
Oh, he's so sad!
Sad little Genie.
[laughing]
Did the lady touch
you somewhere?
Son, show me where
she touched you.
Don't lie to us.
Was it here?
How about down here, Son?
[laughing]
You done pretending
to be hurt?
Ooh!
[screaming]
[laughing]
We gotta get him
to the infirmary!
Oh my Lordy!
What did she do
when she found out?
Apparently, she
wanted an abortion.
[Oscar and Ally
imitating sirens]
We have an obese patient!
We gotta treat him, look out!
Quick, Nurse Claire,
we need three CCs
of hyper-feldspar stat!
[Ally] Get out of the way!
Those are my slippers!
All right, clear!
[smacking]
It's not workin'!
[Rose] You guys.
We need to inject it anally.
Quick, take his pants off!
Stop, stop!
Stop it, I'm cured. I'm cured!
[laughing]
Would you guys
mind waiting outside
while we finish up in here?
What, you don't
want us in your room?
Rose, you gotta
start buying CDs.
I don't wanna
repurchase everything
I already have on tape.
Ally, do not go in there!
You guys, uh, check it out.
I'm pretty sure Jimmy
Hoffa's under here.
Gene, quit it!
Guys, can we play
another game, please?
Yeah, anything but Slappy,
'cause Claire hits too hard.
So, who wanted an abortion?
What?
Claire said it just now.
This girl JD
dated, Jen Richards.
But she's gonna keep the baby.
Does JD know?
Yes, he knows. It's not his.
Okay, they broke up a while ago.
More than nine months?
It's not his, Claire.
I can't imagine
being pregnant.
Plenty of girls
at our school were.
Like who? No one I knew.
You do realize that we
had a nursery on campus?
They had a whole page in the
yearbook under Student Activities.
Good God.
"Hey, kids!
Have a baby! It's
a great activity!"
[laughs]
Rose, cut it out.
Okay, yes, JD has sex.
Yes, his ex-girlfriend
is pregnant.
No, it's not his.
Have you had sex?
No.
But... I want to.
Oh my God, guys.
I'm all... what?
What?
Okay, there's no way
I'm the only one here
interested in having sex.
Not before marriage.
You realize this is why JD
says we're repressed, right?
I mean, he calls us
the Bubble Babies.
Lucky for me, I don't
take character notes
from a guy who gets
girls pregnant.
He didn't get her pregnant!
He could have.
Okay, answer me this.
Uh, in four years of high
school, why have none of us
ever dated anyone?
[crickets chirping]
Oh, well, I'm
seeing Puppet Girl.
That doesn't count.
I'm talking about, like, dating
in the same physical space.
I'm sorry, you're
dating a puppet?
No, what? Um,
she's a real girl.
Apparently, she was at the
drama conference last fall.
She was the perky one in that
suicide play with the puppets.
Why am I the last
one to know anything?
Okay, calm down, Rose.
And, first off, just
because it's long distance
doesn't mean we're
not really dating.
Secondly, I know JD thinks
that we're ninny nuns,
or whatever, but
that's hardly true!
So prove it,
Sister Mary Oscar.
Fine, I will,
Sister Mary Gene.
Rose.
Rose used to hide The
Secret Diary of Laura Palmer
in this very mattress
from her parents
because of the super
steamy sex scenes, huh?
Sorry.
Being forbidden
to read about sex
is the definition of repression.
To be clear... I did
not read it for the sex.
I just, I really
liked Twin Peaks.
Okay, well, maybe
Rose is a nun.
- Hey!
- But what about the time that you, me and Ally,
we went to Nora Dowd's house
and we read Madonna's Sex book?
Oh, I will never
look at a water bottle
the same way again.
Or the way Claire,
uh, drools every time
the Wolf sings in
Into the Woods.
What are you talking about?
I don't know, I'm grasping!
The point is...
we're not repressed
because we won't have
sex before marriage.
Here, here.
I fully disagree.
How about
flashlight homosexual?
What about it?
Well, that was a
game we used to play.
That was about sex.
Ooh, can we play
for old time's sake?
Come on, come on, come on.
Good luck. Claire's a prude.
I am not a prude!
I said... prune.
Prove it, prune. You and me.
Yes, hot lesbian action, whoo!
Do we have to play it in here?
Where is the flashlight?
It's in my parents'
room. I'll go get it.
Yeah!
[imitating kissing]
[Claire] Ew!
Found it!
Hey, hold your horses! Oscar...
You said you didn't
wanna do it in your room.
[Rose] Stop!
- I swear, we'll put everything back.
- Guys.
All right, Claire. Time
to channel your inner dyke.
Yeah, okay, just imagine
sleeping with clams.
What does that even mean?
You'll figure it out.
[panting like a dog]
[drum rolling]
[Claire] What do I do?
[Ally] You can come closer.
- [Claire] Should I get all the way under it?
- [Ally] No... what?
[Claire] I can't see!
[Oscar] Here I go!
[cymbals crashing]
Ugh!
Uh...
[gasping]
[group groaning]
Okay, see? I'm not good at this.
Yeah, not the best.
Um, okay, well, how
about Ally and Rose?
Yeah, Rose knows
how it's done!
Fine, but only one
more round, okay?
Come here, little lesbo.
[drum rolling]
[Ally] Come here
...let's do this...
[Rose] Yes, yes yes yes.
[Ally laughing]
[Oscar] And... surprise!
[cymbals crashing]
[laughing]
Oh! Yes!
Why are they so good at it?
It's because they
read vampire lit.
Okay, okay, our
turn, our turn!
Guys, okay, last
round, though.
[giggling]
Okay?
[Oscar] Game time.
[Oscar moaning]
[Rose] I'm kinda
scared to turn it on.
[Ally] Just do it!
[Rose] One, two, three?
[Gene] Yes! Yes!
[Oscar yelling]
[Rose] What am I looking at?
[Oscar] Gene!
[cymbals crashing]
[laughing]
[Ally] Oh my God.
[spitting]
Sorry, I don't swallow.
[Claire] Oh my God.
Gene!
- What?
- What, what, wha'd he do?
Gene spit on the carpet.
Ew, what? Nasty.
It was a joke!
God, I'll clean it up.
Yeah, you bet
your ass you will.
Aw.
Too far, Gene.
Too far.
Who are you to judge?
I'm just saying
you crossed a line.
You always do.
Well, maybe you just don't
know how to take a sex joke.
Oh what? Because
I live in a bubble?
Or whatever?
Well guess what?
I'm the one moving to LA,
and you're the bitter
loser who's stuck here.
You know, I didn't come
here to feel like crap, okay?
Coulda stayed at home for that.
Gene.
Now he's definitely going.
Going where?
I heard JD invite him to a
party, and he said he'd go.
What party?
JD's cousin Sammy?
He said he'd come back
for Gene after 11.
I've met Sammy.
I don't know. You
weren't invited.
I'm sorry I blew up, guys.
Yeah, you should go apologize.
[sighing]
Boys are so emotional.
[crickets chirping]
[owl hooting]
[knocking on window]
[soft piano music]
[car door opening]
[car door closing]
What do you seek?
I seek the answer
to the great question
of life and the universe.
It's 42.
[soft piano music]
I'm sorry I
called you a loser.
You know you're the
smartest person I know.
I'm gonna miss you, Gene.
JD and I are
gonna start a band.
Okay.
It's gonna be sorta
...avant garde.
So it doesn't really
matter how good we are.
It's more about
the... concepts.
But he's introduced
me to some composers.
Like, uh, John Cage.
Brian Eno.
That used to be my role.
Huh?
When we met.
I introduced you to
Tchaikovsky, Strauss, Bizet.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, JD, he just, he says...
Why does everything have to
be about JD all of a sudden?
I mean, I'm the one leaving.
[crickets chirping]
You're my best friend, you know.
Since freshman year, when you
got trash-canned for wearing
those awful purple leopard
MC Hammer pants to school.
I just feel like
you're pushing me away.
I'm not.
I've been trying to hang
out with you for two weeks.
I'm sorry.
[crickets chirping]
It's just, uh,
there's a lot going on
at work.
There's this, uh, coworker,
he's been asking me for help.
With what?
He's um,
he's gay.
And he's afraid that if he
comes out, everyone will treat
him differently, and
he doesn't want that.
Do you still think it's a sin?
What?
Homosexuality.
When did I say that?
Freshman year.
You said that AIDS was
God punishing gay people.
No, I don't
believe that anymore.
So what do you believe now?
Well I guess, um,
love the sinner
...hate the sin.
[crickets chirping]
I think the thing that
made me lose my faith is that
what's right and what's wrong,
it's never set in stone.
Like God, you know, He's
loving and then He's vengeful.
Or homosexuals are cursed,
and then they're tolerable.
I mean, how am I supposed
to have faith in something
when the rules keep changing?
But faith doesn't have rules.
You just believe.
Like I had faith that I would
get into UCLA's drama school,
and now I'm on the
road to Hollywood.
I just, you know,
I had to believe that that was God's plan.
I guess I, I
just don't get it.
Well, I'll keep
praying for you.
I hate that.
[Oscar] Why?
It feels like
you're judging me.
No, I'm not.
It's more like... you're
always in my thoughts.
[owl hooting]
[dish clinking]
Claire, I'm telling you.
I read it in Tiger
Beat. Boys love honesty.
What are you two
whispering about?
Just talking about that party.
Uh, I'm so annoyed
JD didn't invite me.
Maybe you need to practice
being more beguiling?
Pizza core?
Nevermore!
- Who's your friend?
- Rose!
No! Ow!
[gasping]
I'm just a Bubble Baby.
You popped her bubble.
Oh no, Bubble Boy is dead.
Seriously, guys. It's not
like we're that sheltered.
Oh, come on!
Your parents wouldn't
even let you watch it MTV.
True, but I would still
sneak over to my Nana's house
and watch Madonna videos anyway.
Okay, well none of you
were allowed to watch
R-rated movies, and you
made me lie to your mom
when we went to see
The Crying Game.
And The Piano.
[gasping]
Do you remember
when Holly Hunter
put her hand in between
Sam Neill's butt cheeks,
like er ee, er ee?
Er ee, er ee.
Er ee... er ee.
[laughing]
See? We can talk about sex.
That is not how sex works.
And, there is nothing wrong
with us not wanting to date.
Yeah, it's not
like I didn't try.
Ally and I totally
had boyfriends.
That was in like first grade.
So, why don't you
have one now, Ally?
I don't know.
Guys think I'm...
Peculiar?
No.
They're just immature.
Okay.
I mean, I've had
crushes... like Gene.
But nothing happened?
No.
But that was different,
you know. Gene's a friend.
Besides, I don't think
he's into dating.
Uh, how come?
I don't know. Just a feeling.
[swallowing]
How come you don't date, Missy?
Well, I'm married to
the theater, of course!
My whole life.
I'm talking about
the real world.
What does the real
world even mean,
when all the world is a stage?
Here we go.
And the men and women
merely players?
Does everything
have to be a show,
or can you be real for once?
Nothing feels more real
to me than being onstage.
But that's just avoiding
reality by escaping into fantasy.
Maybe you just don't get it
because you're not an actress.
Now, I'm gonna go skim the
pool should anyone want a dip.
[door opening and closing]
She always does that.
As if opera requires
no acting whatsoever.
You should tell
her how you feel.
So... you know about Oscar's
girlfriend before tonight?
Yeah.
I don't take that too
seriously, though.
How come?
Um, when Oscar
talks about girls,
there's something
...off about it.
He described her
boobs as hot sandbags?
Yeah, well, that's a step
up from fat, dead gophers.
Okay, so maybe he's not
really attracted to her.
Keep working it out, Puritan.
I'm not a Puritan!
[Ally] Prove it, prune!
[slamming]
[water lapping]
[crickets chirping]
[door sliding]
[Rose scoffing]
[Ally] It ruins the stars.
[Rose sighing]
[water splashing]
You coming in?
I'm fine right
here, thank you.
You on your period?
Excuse me?
[laughing]
God, are you still pretending
not to bleed from your hoo-ha?
[scoffing]
Like the time you bled in
the backseat of my mom's car
and then blamed it on Chewbarka?
Okay... Are you,
are you mad about what
I said inside still?
Because, Ally, it's true.
Okay, Rose, you
do know that opera
is both singing and acting?
I play a character.
All I'm saying is that our
talents are very different.
No, you act like you are the
only one who has any talent.
That is totally not true.
I think you're an
amazing singer.
Okay, then why
haven't you been
to my recitals in over a year?
Why don't we practice
monologues anymore?
It's like you don't
want me to act.
Please! Prove it.
Okay. Glass Menagerie.
You knew I was dying to play
Laura, and yet you lobbied
for Mr. Herman to
cast Claire instead.
No, I didn't!
Then why wasn't I cast?
Maybe you just weren't
right for the role.
Maybe you were too... odd.
Laura is odd!
She's a gimpy shut-in who's
obsessed with glass animals.
Listen, if you
don't get a role,
you have to get over it.
You will never make it if you
keep crying over spilt milk.
Rose, it's, it's not the Met.
It's not Broadway.
It's us.
Yeah, and I'm just
trying to toughen you up.
What? Would you rather I
blow smoke up your
ass like your folks?
So now my parents
are too supportive?
[scoffing]
What is wrong with you?
[door sliding open]
Towanda!
Whoa!
[water splashing]
[giggling]
What was that?
Towanda! It's the cry
from Fried Green Tomatoes
that screams I don't care
what anyone else thinks.
You know, in the book, those
women were clearly lesbians.
I only saw the movie.
Question, did you
enjoy playing Laura
in The Glass Menagerie?
Please, I couldn't
even remember
which leg was supposed
to be crippled.
Sometimes it changed
during the scene.
Probably just proves I'm
not meant to be an actress.
[giggling]
Oh, God, now what
did I step into?
[door sliding]
[Oscar] How's
my handsome harem?
Yay! They're back.
Time for Truth or Dare.
[Gene] Truth or Dare?
We've never played that.
I did once, in eighth grade.
I had to kiss Stephanie Rialto.
Had to?
What were her boobs like?
Um, what? Are we
playing already or...
Yes, truth or dare, describe
Stephanie Rialto's boobs.
I didn't pick truth.
You did with your eyes.
Just answer the question.
Don't look at me.
Okay, fine. They
were
like
moist meat.
Ew!
What?
There is no word more
disgusting than moist.
Guys, I'm just
being honest, so,
lay off me!
[water splashing]
[laughing]
Truth or dare, Claire?
Mm... dare.
Whoo, daredevil, okay.
Hold your breath underwater
for a full minute.
Boring!
What? A minute's a long time.
I want a real dare.
Um... Fine.
I'm all, swim across
the pool topless.
[chuckling]
I'm just kidding.
[crickets chirping]
Okay.
[water lapping]
[crickets chirping]
[water lapping]
Truth or dare?
Uh... pass.
Now who's the prude?
I'm not getting naked.
Then the truth.
Name your current crush.
Can you put your suit back on?
Why, is this bothering you?
I think it's
bothering everyone.
Tell me who it is first.
And you can't
say Winona Ryder.
You know what, why
don't we just play
Name That Show Tune instead?
Me me me me me me me...
You're sharp. We're
not playing that.
Just name someone already.
I don't wanna play
this game, okay?
It's a feel-bad game,
and I'm not into feeling
bad tonight, got it?
I'm just trying to have fun.
Okay, well that's
never involved you
taking your clothes off before.
[water lapping]
Uh, let's listen to each
other's farts underwater.
[Oscar] Okay, you first.
Da-dum.
[Ally shrieking]
[Ally laughing]
[water lapping]
No no no, no no no no, Gene.
That does not mean
that Data has a soul.
Uh... The entire point
of the episode is to show
that he's a sentient being.
Right, but I think
you're conflating sentience
with having a soul,
which is wrong.
What are they talking about?
- Star Trek.
- Ugh.
Brought these in for you.
Pizza core?
Don't mind if I do.
Pizza core?
Nevermore.
Who's the whore?
Claire.
Ow!
You guys are such jerks!
[chuckling]
Nice one.
What? She's the nudist.
Hester Prynne pays the price.
Oh, you are terrible.
Not as terrible as Star Trek.
Hey.
Well, I actually prefer
Deep Space Nine, so.
Ooh, with Nana Visitor, yeah?
[growling]
More like Deep Throat Nine.
I would like to
Trek her Stars.
Okay, with your tractor beam?
That how you get all
the ladies, Oscar?
No, Oscar just opens his
mouth and tracks 'em in.
Screw you, what?
- What?
- What?
Wha'd I say?
I don't track men in.
I, I said them, not
men. You misheard me.
[Claire] Rose?
What's wrong?
[soft violin music]
Who did this?
There's a note.
"On your crimson wave?
Don't hide in a cave.
Use these and be saved."
Oh, it's a menstrual mystery.
Wow, Rose, I know
you needed a tampon,
but this is a little much.
Is Rose on the rag?
[chuckling]
If this is your
revenge, then bravo,
but I never, ever
humiliated you like this.
Rose, it's a joke.
Let me finish.
I'm sorry that you feel
snubbed or whatever,
but this little stunt
is completely immature
and hostile, am I right?
Leave me out of this.
Et tu, Claire?
I'm not taking sides.
Call me Switzerland.
Okay, well Switzerland agreed
that this would be funny.
- Oh!
- Ally!
I only wrote the note.
I swear it was all her idea.
Who else was in on
this? Hmm, hmm, hmm?
- Oscar?
- What? Don't look at me. I've never even seen a maxi pad.
That's a tampon, you idiot.
[Oscar] I...
Wasn't sabotaging
my game enough?
That wasn't me!
- Well then who stole the last clue?
- It was Gene.
He's the one who's been
a cranky jerk all night.
And the one who's ditching us.
What's that supposed to mean?
You're leaving
us for JD's party.
That's not true!
Then why is your
bag by the door?
I'm sure you guys could
come. He said Ally could come.
Rose said JD only invited you.
No... you, too.
Wow. You lied to me?
I don't remember
every damn detail!
Now who's the traitor?
Gene's the one who's been
lying to us this whole time.
Rose, I swear.
Swear to who? God?
I swear I wanted to be here.
Then why have you been
hiding from us for weeks?
Oh, get this,
he told me it was
'cause his coworker is gay.
Screw you.
You can never keep a secret.
How was that a secret, Gene?
None of us know your coworker!
What coworker? You
work shifts alone.
Yet, yet apparently the
reason why we haven't heard
from him in weeks is because
some guy at the Yogurt Spot
is gay, and Gene is,
what, I don't know,
listening to his problems?
[ringing noise]
So much for loyalty.
Hey, get this.
Oscar's mom told me
that he didn't even get
into the drama
department at UCLA
because he bombed his audition.
Yeah, and he's going around
bragging about all his
prayers coming true, well
it's just another act.
Well, good job, Oscar!
Great performance!
Bravo. Take a bow!
[clapping]
Bravo.
[hard breathing]
Wait, Oscar, you're
not goin' to UCLA?
No, I am, just...
undeclared.
Guys, I'm,
I'm, I'm sorry I didn't
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I just told so many
people that this was
what I was going to do.
But you still got into UCLA.
You're still gonna
be in Hollywood.
It doesn't matter, Rose!
I can't even pass the
audition to study acting.
What are my chances?
I bombed that audition!
And you got into NYU
with a scholarship,
and I'm just some giant fake.
[crying]
It's not true.
You are not a fake.
No, you are so
talented and driven.
You know what, JD was
right. I'm just some phony.
No!
Pardon my French,
but F that guy!
Do you know what he is?
He is an interloper.
And a deadbeat disruptor.
And do you know what else?
Screw UCLA.
You don't need 'em.
They have no idea what
they're missing with you.
[crying]
Hey maybe, maybe it
doesn't even matter
'cause you'll get cast in
some Spielberg film anyway.
I mean it's possible.
Right?
I'm really sorry, guys.
You don't have to be sorry.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, I can't.
Oscar.
[door slamming]
Get the door, Gene.
Spielberg?
Really?
Come on.
[door creaking]
Genie! Didn't hear me honking?
Okay, zombie. Ally comin' too?
Um, I don't know... uh.
Come in for a sec.
[door creaking and closing]
Whoa.
[scoffing]
What happened here?
Did you guys, uh, run
outta apple juice?
Rose never runs
out of anything.
Okay... um.
Just here to grab Gene, so.
Oh yeah? Uh,
where you going?
To... another
party, actually.
Are we all invited?
Well, my, uh, I
don't have enough
room in my car to...
We have cars.
Sure, yeah.
I mean, if you wanna go.
No thanks. I just
wanted an invitation.
[scoffing]
Oh, okay. Uh... Rose?
Oh, no. I have my
flight in the morning.
That's right.
Yeah, the, uh, the Big Apple.
You sure you're ready?
That seedy city
might eat you alive.
You know what?
It might.
And maybe I am callow and naive.
But I am so much more
than your pithy judgments.
We all are, actually.
Rose, I'm joking...
The truth is, we have
something that you don't.
And that's real friends.
Friends that are
more like family.
So, you can call us
Bubble Babies, or prudes,
but I see through you, too.
And all I see is a
self-important cynic.
[scoffing]
Nice monologue.
Uh... I'm just gonna.
I wanna go to Sammy's.
Can, can I wear this?
Uh, yeah, come as you are.
Nice job protecting
your friends.
Just wish that included me.
[door opening]
[Ally sighing]
Hey, JD?
[dog barking]
I'm gonna stay here.
I,
I need to say goodbye.
Say hi to Sammy for me, okay?
[dog barking]
Your loss, Genie.
Looks like it's just
you and me, doll.
Don't worry, I'll
show you a good time.
Ha! So presumptuous.
Hey, JD?
Gene. Not Genie.
[soft piano music]
[car door closing]
[car door opening]
[car door closing]
[dog barking]
[engine starting]
[knocking on door]
He's gone. You okay?
I just feel so overdramatic.
If you were overdramatic,
then what am I?
Patti LuPone?
More like Norma Desmond.
[chuckling]
How's the hermit?
"My name is Harold, and
[Both] I live here all alone."
[soft piano music]
You stayed.
My Labrador.
I'm sorry, Pepper.
Yeah, me too.
Where's Ally?
Uh, she went with JD.
Really?
Well that's a first.
Yeah, it was
all my fault, too.
I kept lecturing her
about the real world.
Meanwhile, my parents are
making me double major
in econ.
'Cause they're convinced
that the acting thing
isn't... gonna work out for me.
So.
Part of me wishes we could
stay like this forever.
I don't.
[phone ringing]
[sighing]
God bless it!
[phone ringing]
[restaurant chattering]
Hello?
[Mother] Hi, Honey, it's me.
Hi, Mommy. You having fun?
[Mother] Mm-hmm, we'll
be home in an hour.
I'm glad.
- [Mother] So was your party a hit?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's been
fine.
[Mother] Oh, you know,
I meant to tell you.
Guys!
Guess what I found?
Uh! Pee-wee Herman's dignity?
No, it's the last clue!
You guys, my mom found it
under the tree in the back.
She thought it was
there by mistake.
[laughing]
I'm glad my name's
finally cleared.
Come on!
Don't you want to, uh...
solve the mystery, huh, huh?
Rose, I already did.
[snorting]
Yeah, okay.
Who killed me?
We all did.
How did you know that?
Because you've loved the
...they all did it ending,
Agatha Christie, thank you,
since like fifth grade.
That's true.
So, yeah.
[glass crashing]
[sighing]
Goddammit, son of a bitch,
shit kickers from hell!
[screaming]
[hard breathing]
That felt really good.
[upbeat classical music]
Goddammit, shit
kickers from hell!
[laughing]
[Gene] Hey, stop
making a mess, Claire!
Oscar, don't hit me!
Gene!
Oh, Oscar, don't hit yourself!
[upbeat classical music]
[laughing]
[upbeat classical music]
No!
Hands up where I can see 'em!
Ah!
Ah!
[upbeat classical music]
[crickets chirping]
[knocking on sliding glass door]
[door unlatching]
Did you... need
to get your stuff?
Can I still spend the night?
Of course.
I'm sorry
that I wasn't more supportive.
I really do think you're
incredibly talented.
Thanks.
So are you.
Sorry I messed up your bedroom
and called you a bitch.
When did you call me a bitch?
Oh like, in my
head all the time.
[exhaling]
How was the party?
It was fine.
I made out with a cute guy.
But then he puked everywhere,
so I had JD bring me back.
You made out with
some... some stranger?
Wh-Why?
I dunno.
Change of scenery.
You should try it.
[door latching]
Hey, you can sleep by me. Eh?
I mean, Ally won't be here to
make her giant Big Bird nest, so...
Oh, excuse you!
Ally?
[laughing]
The prodigal daughter returns!
Yeah, they didn't have
costumes or cheese balls,
so I had to motor.
- Dah!
- Hey!
[Oscar] Yay.
There's room over here, Gene.
[giggling]
Wanna help me move the table?
[Ally giggling]
[slow teeth brushing]
[fast teeth brushing]
Are you okay?
Huh?
Uh, yeah.
[spitting]
[door closing]
[Mother] We're back!
[Gene] Look who's home!
- [Mother] Everybody have a good time?
- [Rose] Hi, Mommy.
[Oscar] Nice dress, Mrs. Z!
[door closing]
You like Gene a lot, right?
Like, more than a friend?
[sighing]
Did Rose say something?
No. No no no.
I just,
I'm not sure Gene likes girls.
What do you mean?
I mean I've noticed that
Gene seems to like boys a lot.
Like Oscar. Or how
Oscar likes JD.
But Oscar has a girlfriend.
Okay... okay.
Okay, I was just at Sammy's
and Sammy is definitely gay.
But that doesn't mean Gene is.
True, but what
about that story
he told us about
his gay coworker?
Look,
don't tell him I said anything.
I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but,
I just want you to
mind your expectations.
Trust me. I've
been there before.
[water running]
[door opening]
[door closing]
[hard breathing]
[crickets chirping]
Rose?
Yes, Darling?
[Oscar blowing raspberry]
[laughing]
Farts are funny.
[giggling]
Farts are not funny!
Yes they are!
[blowing raspberry]
[group imitating passing gas]
[laughing]
[group imitating passing gas]
Oh! Four Farts and a Funeral.
[laughing]
Jurassic Fart.
[laughing]
Ooh, ooh, um,
Robin Hood, Prince of Farts.
[laughing]
You guys, shh!
[laughing]
The Remains of the Fart.
[laughing]
The Silence of the Farts!
[laughing]
[Mother] Go to bed.
You have an early flight.
[soft giggling]
Rose, you have an early fart.
[loud laughing]
Shh, okay.
Good night.
[blowing raspberry]
[giggling]
[Gene laughing]
Shh!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, it's after laugh.
What's after laugh?
It's like, um,
when everybody's done laughing
and you just start thinking
about what was funny,
so you start laughing
all over again.
[laughing]
Okay, see? So you just,
you just pre-laughed.
What's pre-laugh?
It's when you're
already laughing,
and then you just anticipate
the next thing someone says
is also gonna be funny.
So basically you're
just laughing
before the punchline
even happens.
I never knew there were
so many laugh layers.
That's, that's why
you gotta stick with me.
Hey, I'm,
I'm sorry for being
a jerk tonight.
And for not calling you back.
Sounds like work's been a lot.
Your coworker's problem?
Does he ever pray about it?
I don't think he's into that.
You can still pray
for him, I mean.
I pray for you.
Everybody is so concerned
for my immortal soul.
I love you, Gene.
I love you too.
You're like, uh,
the sister I never had.
Sweet dreams.
Night.
[birds chirping]
[soft piano music]
[sighing]
[soft piano music]
[car door opening and closing]
[exhaling]
[belt buckling]
[engine starting]
[passengers chattering]
[luggage rolling]
[Mother] Apples and cheese.
[camera clicking]
We look like
we're in a lineup.
Criminals, turn to your left.
[camera clicking]
Now the other way.
[camera clicking]
Okay, okay, don't
miss your flight.
[soft piano music]
[PA] Last call for Flight 32.
[sobbing]
[passengers chattering]
[soft piano music]
Guys, lighten up.
She'll be back in three months.
No, Christmas break
is in four months.
She's going to
college. She's not dying.
[soft piano music]
[Mother] Chalo, chalo, chalo!
Relax, Ma!
It's not like the freeway
closes in five minutes!
It's called
separation anxiety.
Why are you so right?
[Oscar] I'll miss you.
I know the Lord has something
great in store for you.
Thank you.
[soft music]
[door closing]
Has anyone seen Pokey Panda?
[Ally] Yeah, he's
in the milk crate.
And then I also need the...
[grunting]
[soft music]
[birds chirping]
I guess this is
goodbye, old pal
[chuckling]
[soft music]
I have faith in you, Pepper.
[soft music]
[engine starting]
[bittersweet music]
Goodbye!
[chuckling]
Then there were two.
Hey, what time's your flight
leave tomorrow? Eight?
Nine. P.m.
P.m.?
Yeah. It's a red-eye.
Shoot, I have, I have to work.
Hakuna matata.
I don't need a big,
dramatic sendoff.
[scoffing]
Fine. It's been
swell knowin' ya.
[chuckling]
Hey, how's your
coworker, by the way?
Oh, uh.
He's fine.
Better, actually.
Good.
You see JD this week?
Yeah, actually,
uh, with Sammy.
He and I are supposed to go see
this movie about a desert queen.
Awesome.
Sammy's really cool.
[birds chirping]
Yeah.
You know, um,
we all love you.
Okay?
No matter what.
[birds chirping]
[kissing]
[slapping]
Hey! Uh, send me your
number the minute you get it!
[car door opening and closing]
[keys jingling]
[laughing]
[keys jingling]
[engine starting]
That it's old and
it's totally over now
And it's old and it's
over, it's over now
And it's over, it's
over, it's over
Now I can see myself
At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any
more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at
the end of the tour
The engagements are booked
through the end of the world
So we meet at the
end of the tour
Never to part since
the day we met
Out on Interstate 91
I was bent metal you
were a flaming wreck
When we kissed
at the overpass
I was sailing along
with the people
Driving themselves to
distraction inside me
Then came a knock on
the door which was odd
And the picture
abruptly changed
At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any
more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at
the end of the tour
The engagements are booked
through the end of the world
So we'll meet at
the end of the tour
And we're never
gonna tour again
No, we're never
gonna tour again