Drink and Be Merry (2025) Movie Script
1
- Chetty, shot, please.
I think you overdid it
this year on the, uh,
Christmas decorations.
I feel like I'm trapped in a
fuckin' snow globe.
- What is wrong with you guys?
I swear you're more peppy about 9/11
than you are about Christmas.
- Hey. Hey.
Careful.
You got a decorated a fireman right here.
- That's right.
- I'm sorry.
Just try, okay?
Just try to enjoy the Christmas stuff.
We got the lights. We got the music.
I did a whole tree.
It can be kinda nice if you let it, huh?
- Yeah, normally,
I would side with you
about this Christmas thing,
but this year I think I'm siding with Pat.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Why is that?
- Because my
14-year-old son. Tells me
he wants one thing this year,
this big fuckin' dog
costume, realistic fur,
with these big cartoon
hands and everything.
So I asked him, "Why do you
want this fuckin' thing?"
And it's expensive as shit too.
- A, a dog costume?
- Well the kid won't
give me a straight answer,
so I gotta look up more info on it.
It turns out it's this weird
kind of sexual thing, man.
It's fucked up.
- But don't blame yourself, Kurt.
Teenagers today are fucked. Okay,
they do all this weird shit.
They're always online.
They don't wanna fuck each other.
Your son wants this costume, you tell him,
"Get out there, mow some lawns."
- Mm.
- What lawns is he gonna mow?
It's fuckin' winter, Pat.
- Mm.
- Always a smart remark
from the guy behind the bar.
- All I'm sayin', Kurt,
you got one kid, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, so get him the costume.
What's the worst that could happen?
- He only feels this way
because he's got a matching costume
in his fuckin' closet at home.
- Mine's a cat. Shorty, you good?
- Huh?
- Shorty.
Ugh.
Could you please change that shit?
- All right. Fine.
Oh shit. Look at that.
That's the show that filmed here.
- Ugh, not this again.
- Remember this, last
December, over a year ago now?
- Yeah, I remember.
The bar was closed for two days.
I had to go to Bernie's, fuckin' shithole.
- Weren't you in that?
You were, um, sittin'
at the bar or somethin'?
Right?
- Jesus.
You don't remember?
He's told us this story 10 times.
- Yeah. Yeah, I was in the scene.
But I wasn't fuckin'
sitting, I was the bartender.
I was in the shot for like
four minutes straight.
- Hey, uh, what, what was
the name of that again?
- It's, uh, it's called "Pit Bulls."
It's about, it's about, like,
traders on the stock market.
But this episode, the two main guys,
they go out bar hopping, right?
So in the scene, they're
supposed to be drunk.
They didn't really fuckin' seem drunk.
So the guy, this main guy, David Culhain,
he says to me,
"Hey, man, you're a bartender.
You must see a lot of
drunk people, right?"
I spend every day in my
life with you assholes,
so I said, "Yes, of course I do."
So he says to me, "What
are we doing wrong?"
How would we be acting if
we were totally wasted?"
So I, so I told him
and he did what I said,
and he said that I
saved the fuckin' scene.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- And then to thank me,
he wanted to gimme a line.
He was gonna gimme a
line in the fuckin' show.
I was gonna say a line on TV.
Then some fuckin' producer said, "No, no,
if he opens his mouth, we gotta pay him.
There's no room in the budget."
I said, "No, man, it's all good.
You don't have to pay me.
I'll just say the line."
And he said, "No, there's
a lot of paperwork.
It's like a legal thing."
I don't know.
I said, "I'd sign whatever they wanted,
but he wasn't going for it."
- Hey, Brando, can I get a refill, please?
- Hey, Chet, you,
you ever try to be in some
other show or something?
- Yeah, th- this fuckin' guy,
David Culhain, he actually...
He put my number in his phone.
He said he was gonna call me for, like,
little acting jobs, background stuff.
- Oh shit. So did he?
- No. No.
That was over a year ago, so I don't know.
Fuck me, right?
- Chetty, you're better off.
They're all perverts these actors.
- Well, so are 9 out of
10 guys that come in here.
So maybe that's just people, I don't know.
- Oh.
So naive, Chetty.
Out there in Hollywood,
these guys, they're always
throwing sex parties.
Fingering kids, okay?
Smoking each other's poles.
Even the ones you think are straight.
Uh, Eastwood,
Duvall. Smoking pole.
- Bobby Duvall from "The Godfather"?
- Yeah.
He's gay.
- Fuck.
- Hi, ladies.
Uh-
- Hi there.
Slow night?
- Yeah. Yeah.
The, the Bachelor party doesn't get here
for another hour, so...
I'm just kidding. There's
no bachelor party.
Uh, what can I get you?
- Uh, I'll have a mojito.
Same for her.
- Sorry.
Actually, I, I don't think I
have the right stuff for that.
- Oh.
Do you have ice?
- Yeah.
- Okay, then I will have a cup of ice,
but filled up halfway
with vodka and then soda,
and she'll have one too.
- Great. So that's two vodka sodas.
On the way.
- Hey.
- Raymond.
- Hey.
Hey, Chet, gimme a...
Who you making cocktails for?
Hi, my name is Ray.
It's my distinct pleasure
to make both of your
acquaintances.
Chet, put their drinks on my tab.
- We talked about this, Ray.
- Please, kid. I'm just
trying to be cordial here.
If there's an issue,
could you at least tell me in private?
- Look, Ray, I know you like
to be an old school gent
for the ladies,
but are you actually gonna
fuckin' pay this time?
- What the fuck you talking about?
- You don't remember this?
A month ago, when those
women came in here,
you said exactly the same thing.
You said to put their drinks on your tab.
- Maybe. It's, it's a little hazy.
This is a bar after all.
- Okay, well, at the end of the night,
you ran up a $200 tab.
You were 50 bucks short
and you said you don't trust ATMs, so-
- Yeah, Chet, that may have happened-
- Oh, it happened.
- But I'm flush tonight.
I'm covered.
And, frankly, these two
don't look like the kind
to order anything expensive,
so please don't embarrass me here.
- Do I have to tell you what
kinda trouble the bar is in?
Okay, I can't be doing favors
and forgiving tabs just
in the name of chivalry.
- I just told you, I got it covered!
- I know you, Ray.
You're gonna get too drunk.
You're gonna lose track
of how much you're spending.
- What,
what are you asking me to say here?
You're asking me to commit suicide?
- No, nobody is asking
you to commit suicide.
- Chetty, I may ask him to.
- Pat, you're not
fuckin' helping, man.
- You know, when it was just Bert here,
I never had a problem.
- Oh.
- The 'Wich was my go-to place.
Then one day he says to me,
"My nephew's gonna take over most nights."
And I say, "Great, I love the kid."
First fuckin' week you're workin' here,
I'm talkin' to this woman.
You come over, tell her joke
about me pukin' one night,
now she thinks I'm a pants-pissin' drunk
and she doesn't wanna have anything to-
- If the shoe fits, Raymond.
- Fuck off, Pat!
You're in here twice as much as me.
Nobody is fuckin' talking to you.
- Ray, Ray, Ray,
Ray, Ray, you're scaring 'em.
- I'm gonna tell your uncle about this.
I still got his number.
Good evening, ladies.
- Uh, ladies, don't forget your drinks.
Two vodka sodas.
- I'm sorry. I think
we're just gonna, um...
- Look, I know, that guy's a psycho,
but he is never in here.
And the rest of these guys
are really, really nice.
Kurt is the world's best uncle.
He's just not wearing the hat right now.
- What?
- Listen, I,
I have been trying to get
some younger people in here,
and you guys are some younger people.
I'm sorry it's so dusty.
I...
Tell you what, um,
why don't you go play
something on the jukebox.
It's digital.
- That's really okay. I-
- Mi- Miranda.
The guy's trying.
We can s- stay for one drink.
- All right.
- So did you guys come
from, like, a, a party or-
- Oh, right.
Um, office Christmas party.
- Awesome. Awesome.
What kinda office?
- A dental office.
We're hygienists.
- That's actually crazy
because Kurt has been complaining
about this tooth for, like,
three weeks, right, Kurt?
- Uh, yeah.
But, uh, it's, it's, it's,
it's feeling a lot better now.
- Would you mind taking
a look at it or, like,
having him come in or something?
- Oh, we don't really do-
- Uh, which tooth is it?
- Uh, th- th- this one.
Yeah.
- Yeah, that gray one,
um, that's totally rotted.
You gotta get that pulled,
otherwise it's gonna start
hurting real bad by, like,
mid-January.
- It already does.
Chet, why'd you have to mention that?
I normally have very good
oral hygiene overall.
Sorry, Kurt. He, he does.
- No, look, don't worry about it.
I see so many mouths a day.
It's not possible to gross me out.
- Uh, uh, thanks.
Gimme a shot, will you, Chet?
- Yep.
- You guys ever seen the
movie "Pulp Fiction"?
- Um, yeah.
- You remember the, the guy
who plays the heroin dealer?
Eric Stoltz?
- No.
- Uh, no.
- Well, maybe if you saw a picture.
He came into the bar one time.
That's actually him.
- Oh.
- He is much taller in person.
- Okay.
This just isn't the vibe
we're looking for tonight.
As much as I love inspecting teeth
and checking out Eric Schultz-
- Eric Stoltz.
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom
and then we're gonna go, okay, Maeve?
- Yep. Whenever you want.
- She, uh, she barely
touched that thing.
- Sorry.
- No, I get it.
I, uh, I wouldn't really
want to hang out here either.
What did, what did she say your name was?
- Uh, Maeve.
- It's a nice name.
- Yeah, it's my grandma's
name on my dad's side.
Uh, what's yours?
- It's, uh, it's Chet.
It's, it's kinda nobody's name.
- That's nice.
- No, it's not. It's
a terrible fuckin' name.
- Yeah, it's not. I'm sorry.
- No.
Hey, don't be sorry. It's not your fault.
So you guys, uh,
you guys go out a lot,
you and your friend?
- Uh, no, not really.
Honestly, I don't go out much
this time of year at all;
the whole, like, getting
dark at 4:00 PM thing.
I basically just go straight from work
and get right into bed, so...
I hate the winter.
- Yeah, so do these guy.
These guys hate, uh, the winter.
They hate snow, they hate Christmas.
- Well, I don't, I don't hate Christmas,
although I am more of like
a Halloween kinda girl.
- Okay, so you're like a,
you're like a, a goth.
You're like one of these girls whose, uh,
whose favorite Christmas movie
is the scary one with the,
the skeleton that sings,
the one that's actually a Halloween movie.
- Okay, I,
I haven't been a goth since high school.
But, yeah, I like "The
Nightmare Before Christmas."
I've seen it, like, 20 times.
- Okay. I'm just gonna do one more.
Did you, by any chance,
happen to own a bunch of T-shirts
with the skeleton guy on 'em?
- No, no. That's not true.
I was, I was, like, a casual goth.
Okay, that was a lie.
I wasn't casual. I was all in.
I was, um,
I was Maevella Ravenswood.
- What's up?
- It was, uh,
it was the name I gave myself?
I had, like, a blog. I
wrote all these poems.
It's actually probably on
the internet somewhere.
No, no, no.
- On the internet?
Oh, that's interesting.
- No, no, no.
I'm gonna figure out-
- The American internet?
- I'm sure it actually doesn't exist.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna figure out
how to get it taken down
and destroyed.
Seriously, seriously.
- Okay.
Well, I should actually,
I should probably be kinda careful, huh?
- Why?
- Well, I, I don't wanna get, like,
hexed or cut open by Maevella Ravenswood.
- Oh my god.
- Well-
- Shut up.
- Look, she's gone now,
so you don't have to worry.
- I never got that.
I never got the,
the fascination with the
morbid shit.
- No?
Well, you must have had a
nice childhood or something.
- That's right. I had
a very nice childhood.
Did you ever see the show
"Leave It to Beaver"?
That was actually based on my whole shit.
- Okay. So you're making fun of me now?
- No, I just, you know,
it was, like, normal bad.
It wasn't funny enough for TV.
It wasn't interesting enough
for a movie.
But I don't know, like,
for some reason,
every year at Christmas I just,
I felt better.
I don't know why.
You,
you know that thing when
a kid opens a present
in a Christmas movie
and their whole face kinda just like...
That's what it felt like to me.
- Does it still feel like that?
- Uh, it's a little different.
But, I mean, look around.
It never quite went away.
- That's sweet that
you're still some, like,
starry-eyed Christmas kid
after all these years.
It's like a Christmas movie.
- Hey, uh...
Would you, would you maybe
write your number on this?
- You don't wanna, like,
put it in your phone like a normal person?
- I mean, we can do that,
but I thought this might be
a little bit more like a,
like a Christmas movie, like you said.
- Yeah, maybe like a corny rom-com.
- You've never seen a Christmas rom-com,
like on the the Hallmark Channel?
- The Hallmark Channel?
Are you sure you don't
want my grandma's number?
'Cause she loves that shit.
- Okay.
Very good, very good.
Look, I'm not gonna,
I'm not gonna, like,
harass you with calls and texts and stuff.
I'm, I'm really pretty normal.
- That's good.
- Sorry, I was fixing my makeup.
You ready to go?
- Uh, yeah.
But now I have to go to the bathroom.
So just, I'll be right back.
- You better not call her.
You better tear that thing up.
I mean it.
I guess she's drunker than I thought.
Look, I'm not going into details,
but you'd be doing yourself a favor.
Not that I have anything against you
or this holly jolly
establishment, but, uh,
this and this don't have any place
in her life right now.
- Okay. Well, I will tear it
up just as soon as guys leave.
- I mean it.
I hear you called her, I'm,
I'm coming down here.
- Please do.
We would, uh, we would
appreciate your business.
- Ready?
- Yes, please.
I think I just saw a rat run by.
- Uh, that's not a rat.
That's a mouse.
And he has taught me
a lot of life lessons.
- It was a rat.
Let's go.
- We don't have rats.
- Good night, ladies.
Mm-hmm.
I saw you get that number off of her.
- Oh, you're so sweet and innocent
talking about how you love Christmas.
What the fuck was that about my tooth?
- I was trying to help, Kurt.
- Sure, help yourself.
You know, maybe Ray is right.
You do try to sabotage us
whenever girls come in.
- Why? Why would I do that?
- 'Cause you wanna keep
us in here every night,
sad and drinking.
If we start getting laid,
you might lose a regular.
You are in the business
of misery, my friend.
No point denying it.
- Look, don't you think it
might actually help business
if somebody, somebody, one person,
got laid around here, right,
if everybody wasn't quite as miserable
as you sad fucks?
What do you think scared
'em off in the first place?
Jesus, man.
- Whatever, Chet.
- Okay, tell you what.
Uh, the very next woman
that comes in here,
I'm going to shut my mouth.
I'm not gonna say a fuckin' word
and you can charm the pants off her, okay?
Cheer up, man.
The number's probably a fuckin' fake.
When it turns out it's fake,
will make sure to tell you and Pat
so you guys can have a big laugh
about how much of a loser I am.
- Yeah.
- I don't think you're a loser.
- Thank you.
- I think you are a weenie.
Those, those are two
very different things.
- Great. Thank you for that.
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort
And joy
Oh tidings of comfort
And joy
- None of this is on me, Pat.
You're fuckin' killing yourself here, man.
Look, I'm not the surgeon general.
I'm a bartender.
You're retired, you got a state pension,
you got a wife who loves
you for some fuckin' reason.
You're too old for this shit.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- You, uh, you went to the bathroom, Pat,
you just didn't make it all the way.
I called your wife. She's on her way.
Oh, stay right there.
I'm gonna get you a water.
Stay there.
Drink that.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
- Was she, uh, sleeping, Vera,
when you called her?
- Yep. Think so.
- Hmm.
Oh, she didn't sign up for this.
- Oh, yeah. And I did?
- You're fine.
You wanna be a Hollywood actor?
Go ahead.
Ain't gonna work out, though.
You're not meant to be in movies, Chetty.
You're meant to be right here
helping drunks get to the bathroom,
to the stool.
It's okay. I'm meant to be here too.
We're all exactly where
we're supposed to be,
every single one of us.
- Yeah. Fuck you too.
- No, no.
I'm serious.
Chet, the truth is we're
not in charge down here.
You know, we're not behind the wheel.
We don't get to make the plans.
Some people,
they're meant to fuckin' die
burning up in skyscraper.
Other people are meant
to be drunk assholes
their whole life.
But some people are meant
to be in movies, eh?
Just a few.
And it ain't you, Chetty.
'Cause you are not, you know...
- Not what?
- Huh?
- I'm not what?
- You're not Jewish.
- Are you...
Go back to sleep.
Vera's gonna be here in a minute.
Fuckin' moron.
Speak of the devil.
- You're awake.
What are you putting this
poor kid through, Pat?
- He's fine.
- Chet, I'm sorry.
- It's all good, Vera.
- Give him a, uh,
give him a ten-spot.
- I don't need a ten-spot.
Thank you, Vera.
- Next time, you're gonna have two less
to spare this kid your bullshit.
- Yeah.
- Put a glass of water in
front of him, all right?
I don't care if he asked for it or not.
- I did try to...
Yeah.
Come on.
Come on. I gotta look up.
Come on.
- Put your back into it.
- Okay.
- All right. Thank you, Chet, really.
I'm sorry about this.
- It's no problem, Vera.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Night.
- Good night.
You're a good boy, Chetty.
- The door's not working.
- Oh, f-
Ray, you gotta go home, man.
The bar's closed.
- What?
- You already scared the girls off, Ray.
They're gone.
- You really not gonna let me in?
- Look, I gotta lock up, man.
You gotta find another bar to
go finish your meltdown in.
- Meltdown?
What are y-
Always with the negative assessments?
You know, my yogi tells me,
when someone comes at me with negativity,
do not engage.
And, and, and,
and I know that's what
I did earlier tonight.
I engaged and that was my fault.
But now I'm completely calm,
I'm not even mad about the girls anymore.
- Okay. Well, I, I'm very glad to hear it.
But why the fuck are you here?
- Oh, uh, yeah.
Yeah.
There's 60.
So we're square, yeah?
- Yeah, Ray. We're square.
- That's not for
you. That's for the bar.
I don't wanna see this
place get all boarded up.
- I'm gonna put it in
the register right now.
- Good. I trust you.
You're a good kid.
And, uh, uh, I'm sorry
I yelled at you earlier.
Just-..
- Just another night at the 'Wich, Ray.
- Yeah.
So, uh,
I guess I'll, uh,
just get back to my car now.
- Wait, you drove here?
- I'm not walking in this cold.
- How much have you drunk?
- I don't know.
I was just Bernie's.
I had a couple beers.
- What about before you were here?
- Well, was at the Crow's Nest.
A couple scotch and sodas?
- Yeah, you're gonna get a fuckin' DUI.
- I'm probably better
driving drunk than sober.
You don't need to worry about me.
- No, no.
That's not gonna work.
I don't wanna wake up tomorrow
and find out you wrapped
your car around a tree.
- I'm a grown man.
I can, I can, I can manage.
You're the one that's concerned.
- All right. Come in.
It's gonna make me feel better.
- So did you get
anywhere with those two?
- Who?
- Those two fuckin' girls
you cock blocked me in front of.
- Oh, actually,
I, uh, got a number.
- Well, then go
ahead and call her now.
- I'm not gonna call her with you here.
- Think about it this way.
If, if, if you call it tonight
while she still remembers you,
there's a chance you
might actually get laid.
But if you wait till tomorrow,
8 to 10 odds,
she won't pick up.
She won't even return
your fuckin' message.
- Where are you getting these odds from?
- Experience, that's where.
All right, be that way.
But I know what I'm talking about.
Back in the day, when I was your age,
I used to fuck a lot.
- Huh.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, look, believe it or not,
I am not interested in
just fuckin' around.
I wanna find something real.
- Like, get married?
You have plenty of time for that.
Why are you in such a hurry?
- Well, not getting married,
just I get a little lonely sometimes.
- Well, getting laid is easy,
that is hard.
I mean, finding somebody you really like
can take years.
It can most of the rest of your life.
- You know, I, I think I
might regret asking this,
but have you ever been in love?
Like, for real?
- Yeah, actually.
Only very recently though,
which is what I'm trying to say here.
It took decades for me
to find the right person.
- Hmm.
- And a whole lot of heartbreak.
- If you found the real deal,
what the fuck are you doing
in here hitting on women
half your age?
- 'Cause
it's complicated, all right?
It's very complicated.
Very, very, very fuckin'
complicated actually.
You ever heard of, uh, bakla?
It's, uh...
Well, it, it means...
... lady boy.
- Oh, Jesus Christ, Ray.
You know you can't fuckin' say that-
- Please don't gimme any
of that motherfuckin' crap.
Can I just speak here for just a second?
You know, most guys in here,
they wouldn't understand,
so I keep my mouth shut.
But I thought maybe, you know...
I and she,
we...
I'm, I'm sure I don't
have to explain myself
to a young liberal guy like you.
So, yeah.
- Not at all, man.
- Thanks, Chet.
- Okay.
Tell me about this, uh, this
whirlwind romance of yours.
- I mean, you don't
think it's gay, do you?
- No.
Even if it is, who fuckin' cares, right?
- So you're saying it is?
- No.
No, it's not, it's not gay.
I'm saying it's, it's nice.
It's nice that you found somebody.
Like you said, it's fuckin' hard.
- Well, there's a reason
I don't tell all the guys
around here about it.
They wouldn't get it.
But...
And I know I don't have to mention this,
but I'd appreciate it if you
didn't say anything to them.
- Who fuckin' cares what these guys say?
They, they just want
everyone to be as miserable
as they are.
- Just tell me you won't say anything.
- I'm not gonna say a word.
- Good, because, you know,
if anybody did find out,
I'd have to, you know, bang!
- Jesus.
- And I don't, I,
I don't think you want
that on your conscience.
- Look, it's not that serious, okay?
You don't have to be all freaked out.
You guys should go out.
Take her, take her to Jody's.
It's right around the corner. Easy.
- Jody's?
Wait. That's a gay bar.
- Oh, f-
- So you do think it's gay?
- No, Ray.
I'm just saying a lot of
different kinds of people
go to Jody's.
- You know, you're a real fuckin'...
- Ray.
- I, I open myself up to you,
tell you something I
never told anybody here,
and then you fuckin' act like a prick.
- Ray.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, come on.
- And fuck your coffee.
Never coming back here.
- Fuck, man.
- Fuck! What the fuck?
- You gotta unlock it, Ray.
It's locked.
To the right.
- Fuck you!
- Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
This fuckin' mess.
- Ray, goddamn it.
I told you we're closed, man.
Hi.
- Hey,
You're closed?
- Uh, technically, yeah, but...
Where, where's, uh, where,
where's your friend?
- Oh, probably in, in bed
with some guy.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, we, uh, we went to this, like,
really hip bar called Starky's,
total opposite of this place.
And Miranda hit it off with some guy
and I was basically third
wheeling the whole night.
Might as well have not been there, so...
Um...
Anyways, um,
I just came back to tell you
that, um...
the number is fake.
- Okay.
Well, thank you for telling me.
Wow, I actually thought I was
doing pretty good over there.
That's, like, the best
fucking conversation
I've had in weeks.
So fuck me, right.
- Yeah, it, it was.
It was a fine conversation.
I mean, it wasn't great,
but not bad.
- Okay.
Uh, thank you for telling me.
- I don't know.
You know, I was, I was just like,
I was at this I bar,
watching Miranda with
these guys all night.
It was, like, a packed fucking bar
and not a single guy talked to me.
And they were all, like, 25,
so I felt, like, so fucking old.
And then this guy, this
guy Miranda was with,
he didn't even have any friends.
And so I just thought, you know...
- Wow. Thank you.
- So, uh...
Uh,
so
how do you like this job, you know, like,
bartending with all these old guys?
Sorry.
- Uh, okay.
Were you ever a, a babysitter?
- Yeah. In high shool.
I figure, I figure it's probably
kind of like babysitting,
you know, with a bunch
of wrinkly old babies.
You give 'em a beer when they cry,
you turn on Fox News and let 'em tune out.
It's not hard.
- That's a great image:
old guys in diapers.
You're like, um, you're
like the boomer babysitter.
Oh, you're like the boomer sitter.
I'm sorry.
It sounds kinda terrible.
- Oh, it's, it's not bad.
The regulars kinda start to grow on you.
You know, they come in at
the same time every night,
they're dependable.
I don't know, you kinda start to like it.
Six o'clock on the dot, here comes Pat.
He sits in that stool.
It's kind of nice.
- Yeah, but you're like a young guy.
You should be bartending
somewhere fun, you know,
like a club.
I mean, I just feel like if you stay here,
you're gonna, like,
kill yourself at 40.
- Wow. Thank you for your
sensitivity with your words.
Thank you.
- Whatever.
Well, I've been drinking since 5:00.
Probably wouldn't be doing
any of this otherwise.
- Well, you don't seem drunk.
- Yeah. Well, I've been
spacing out my drinks.
You're sure you're not serving drinks?
'Cause I could go for one more
before I have to, like,
go home and lie down.
- I'm gonna be honest with you.
I gotta get the fuck
outta this bar.
But, you know,
we could go get a drink somewhere else,
if you're asking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Gimme one second. I'm gonna clean up.
Uh, just, uh, just gimme one second.
- Uh.
Uh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, we are good.
- What do you mean we're good?
- Oh, I just, uh, I don't
live alone, technically.
- Ah. You have roommates?
- Can you call your mom a roommate?
- Oh.
I mean, most people don't.
They just call their mom their mom.
- I'm sorry. I should have said something.
I just, I I didn't think
you'd wanna come if I did.
- Uh, believe it or not,
uh, I've seen worse.
Yeah, I went back to this one guy's place,
and he lived with his grandparents.
All night we could hear them
snoring in those machines
with the masks
And then, like, and then, like,
every 30 minutes they'd get
up and go into the kitchen
to make themselves a snack.
- CPAP machine.
- Yes, that.
- Well, that does make
me feel better, so...
You're really, you're really beautiful.
- Could I go outside and get some water?
- Oh, I can get it.
- Thanks.
- Sparkling or still?
You can have the one with the handle.
- Thanks. Thank you.
- Something wrong or-
- No.
- Oh god.
I knew you were gonna say
something about the poster.
- This stuff is just-
- Just, uh-
- I'm, like, having a flashback
to my college boyfriend's
dorm, actually, my,
my high school boyfriend.
What are those?
- Those are...
Um, I don't know.
I just kinda always had 'em.
I mean, what am I supposed
to have in my room?
Like,
fuckin' taxes?
- You don't get what I'm saying.
Look, I'm trying to help you.
I mean, I don't care that
you live with your mom
and have all these old toys in your room,
but, you know,
most women would.
If you took any of them back here,
they'd take one look at your room,
turn around and walk
right back out the door.
Again, I don't care. I'm just saying
- It kinda seems like you do care.
- No, I don't.
I'm sorry. I'm, I'm being...
Look, I'm actually, I'm actually just...
Forget it.
Okay?
Let's just go back to bed.
- Wait, are you sure you
don't care about the-
- Yeah, I'm sure.
It's a great room.
It's manly, mature.
- You know, I really like you.
People like you, like, smart,
funny people,
they don't,
they don't really come
into my life very often.
I don't know why.
Talking to you earlier, I just,
I knew right away that I liked you.
And when you came back
into the bar, I was,
I was so happy.
Like...
really, really happy.
'Cause, like I said, I didn't know if, uh,
if I was ever even gonna see you again.
Yeah, like, maybe, maybe
the number wouldn't work
or you wouldn't call me back.
- I mean, it was fake.
- Yeah, but you came back.
- I know.
It's late. Let's sleep.
- Oh, Chetty!
You're getting coal this year.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Over the hills we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon, Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank
And we, we got upsot
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
In a one-horse open
Sleigh
- Boop.
Oh.
Merry Christmas, you
filthy animal.
It's just what I wanted. How'd you know?
Oh, I got next game.
Nobody saw that.
What, nobody saw that?
Yeah, I'm a man among men
There's men and there's me
I'm a man
Among men
- Oh.
Oh, look who it is.
- So you don't wanna take-
- My close personal friend.
- But you wanna take most of it
and make sure that other
people don't have it.
That's the game.
That's all there ever was.
- We're not
playing with SEO funds here.
We're trying to make some-
- I'm never gonna stop.
- I wouldn't have have called me either.
- And
I never will.
- Oh.
- Whew.
- Oh,
that's gonna be nice.
- Oh, hey.
Where've you been?
- I was just out for a little jog.
I'm getting really into jogging lately.
It's, it's actually supposed
to be pretty good for you.
- Oh yeah?
Yeah, well, it looks like
maybe you oughta go lie down.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go to my room
and maybe just do some stretching.
- Sounds like a good idea.
Did I, uh, hear someone
else's voice last night
after you came in?
- No.
You fell asleep on the couch, Mom.
You heard the TV.
- Oh, yeah?
I was just asking
What time they got you going in today?
- Not until 4:00, so I might,
I might do another jog.
- Yeah.
Well, it's Christmas Eve,
so it'd be nice to spend
some time together.
- All right, Shorty?
- Huh?
Ah.
- Crazy little fuck.
- Who?
- Him?
Kim Jong-il.
- It's, uh, Un.
- Huh?
- It's Kim Jong-un.
Kim Jong-il was his dad.
- Whatever. Un.
He's still a crazy fuck.
He keeps saying that North
Korea is gonna bomb us
on Christmas.
- He, he, he's not going to do it.
- Well, maybe, but he keeps making
all kinds of sick jokes about it,
telling us we need to be
ready for a Christmas gift.
You know what he means by that, right?
Gift.
- A fuckin' missile.
- Exactly. Fuckin' missile.
Little fuckin' nut.
- Whatever.
He's been saying that
type of shit for years.
- Yeah, but you can't tell.
The guy's a fucking head case.
You get him riled up enough,
he can't get it up for his wife, and boom,
we're all ash.
- All right.
No more Fox News for you.
- Hey.
Of course, the Christmas Nazi
wants to put his head in a big stocking
and pretend everything's all good.
Hmm.
Well, if you're gonna
make us watch this again,
can I at least get another beer?
Kurt?
Two.
O holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
Of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world
In sin and error, pining
'Til He appeared
And the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn'
Fall on your knees
O hear the angel voices
O night divine
O night
When Christ was born
- Are you, uh, open?
- Uh, yah, sure.
Just let me, um, lemme,
lemme clean this up.
- How much?
- It's, uh, 3.50.
- This is the Ale 'N 'Wich, right?
- Yep.
- I'm Tony.
- Uh, Chet.
- Chet.
You have fun last night, Chet?
- Well, I was, uh, I
was here working, so...
- Working, yeah.
Ya know, I'm parked across the street.
- Cool.
- Got a steel pipe in the backseat
and I was gonna come over here
and bash your fucking head in with it.
- We don't, we don't have any
fuckin' money here, all right?
I had, like, three customers all night,
so you can have-
- Calm down.
I'm not gonna do shit, okay?
I'm already sitting here
talking to you, aren't I?
- Okay, so what the
fuck do you mean about-
- Chet,
last night you took some girl home,
fucked her, huh?
Is that right?
- Yeah. So?
- She was my fiance.
- Oh.
Fuck, man, I don't know shit about that.
I, I-
- Doesn't matter. You're
just some fuckin' guy.
You know, some chick
came up to me with a ring
and asked me to fuck her,
I'd probably do it too.
I mean, I, I've cheated on her before.
Yeah. Yeah.
So who am I to judge?
You know?
It's just I got so fuckin'
mad when she told me.
I felt like I had to do something.
- Yeah.
- I was gonna get a bunch of
my boys to come in here with me
and spook you,
scare the shit out of you,
fuck you up,
but...
I forgot it's Christmas Eve.
So they're all with their families.
I'm honestly surprised you're here.
Don't you have somewhere better to be?
- Don't you?
- Man, I'm Jewish.
I don't fucking care.
And just for the record,
in case you thought
there was anything real
between the two of you,
that last night meant anything at all,
she gave you up real fucking quick man.
- Yeah, I yelled at her
for like 30 seconds.
And then, "Who is he?"
"I don't know.
His name's Chet or something,
some fuckin' bartender
at some fuckin' dive
Called the Ale 'N 'Wich."
Just threw you under
the bus like that, man.
- Well,
um,
you want another one of those, or?
- You got bourbon?
- Oh, now we're talking.
- This happen a lot?
Guys like me coming here,
married guys, wanting to,
complain to you about their wives?
- I mean, just every
night of my fuckin' life.
- God, my marriage is gonna
be a fuckin' disaster.
Trust me.
There's nothing I can
do about it now, huh?
- I mean, it's not too late.
You're not even married yet.
- No, it's practically done.
Our families are all...
- Intertwined.
Excited.
They got plans and a
guest list and everything.
Her niece is already
calling me Uncle Tony.
At this point,
it's easier to just keep my head down
and go with the flow.
- Yeah.
Sounds like a,
a real nightmare.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy.
- Yep. Yeah.
- I gotta close up, man.
It's time to go home.
- Um, did I pay you?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're good.
I am gonna call you a car. It's on me.
Just put your address in.
- Oh, fuck.
I drove here.
I got, I got to, um, I
gotta take my car back.
I gotta-
- No, no, no, no, no.
Man, look, you got your keys?
- Yeah, I, I feel 'em here.
- Okay, so you're gonna
leave your car here overnight
and you're gonna come get it
in the morning, all right?
It's gonna be fine.
- Aye aye, Captain.
I came here to kick your ass
and now I'm taking orders from you.
- Man, I'm not telling you what to do.
I'm just saying that if
you drive home like this,
you're gonna get pulled over.
The cops are fuckin' out
there crawling around,
looking for people driving
home from Christmas parties.
- Parties.
Christmas parties.
- Oh, Santa's sleigh.
- Chad.
- Yeah.
- You're an okay guy.
Happy Kwanza.
Ho ho ho!
- Get home safe.
- Ho ho ho.
- Drink some water.
- Happy Kwanza.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- I made you some cinnamon buns,
and they're warming in the oven.
- Wow.
Thank you. That's...
Did you make any coffee or?
- Oh yeah.
Sit there. No, I'm gonna get it.
You stay there.
'Cause it's Christmas.
- Thank you.
- What time did you get in last night?
- 2:00, I think.
- Oh, those damns drunks.
What the hell are they doing there
till 2:00 in the morning on Christmas Eve?
Don't they have families to go to?
- Not all of 'em.
It was fine.
I don't have to go until 5:30 today, so...
- Bert's got you working today?
- It's Bert.
- What the hell is wrong with him?
Ah...
Merry Christmas.
- Wait, Ma. We said no gifts.
I didn't get you anything.
- Well, you wanna know something?
I got my son with me on Christmas,
and that's my gift.
- Thank you.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
I got thinking about, uh,
when you were taking those acting classes
at the beginning of the year.
And I was thinking that
maybe you should start
taking 'em again.
- Oh, uh, I'm not really
doing that anymore.
- Why not? It was good for you.
And I could never really understand
why you quit taking
them in the first place.
- I mean, they were, they
were expensive and they,
they kinda made me feel like an asshole.
- Why?
- I don't know, Ma.
It's all this, like,
Shakespeare stuff, right?
You know, doth, thy liege,
forsake the...
- Yeah.
- And, like, analyzing and all this.
I don't know about that.
- That's what class is for.
That's how you learn it.
- They all,
they all look,
they all look down on me, Ma.
Even the girls, they just-
- You are not in the
class to pick up girls.
You're there to learn to be an actor.
- I know.
But it's embarrassing.
The fuckin' teacher is
crawling all over the place
asking you to do weird shit.
We're all rolling around on the ground
pretending to be caterpillars.
It's fucking-
- Chet.
Most actors take acting
class their whole lives.
They audition and they audition
and they never get on a TV show.
You were on a friggin' TV show
before any of them actors.
You were probably the biggest
actor in that whole class.
- We gotta stop kidding ourselves, Ma.
All right, I was in the background.
You could barely see me.
- Lemme tell you something, Chet.
You don't give yourself half
the credit that you deserve,
not a half.
- I'm sorry, Mom. Thank you.
Thank you.
- You're gonna read that book?
Huh? What?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna read it.
- You're gonna read it?
- I'm gonna read it.
- Well, merry Christmas.
- I've never seen you
read a book your entire life.
What the hell is that?
- It's, uh, it's an acting book.
It's supposed to teach me how to act.
- Oh.
You know, they make bartending books too,
teach you how to mix drinks,
so when a woman comes in here
and asks for a cocktail,
you can actually make it for her.
- Thank you for your feedback, Pat.
- Man, where is Shorty?
- Can I get a shots of
bourbon for Kurt and myself.
And Chetty, it's time for
these decorations to come down.
Christmas is over.
Finally.
- Speakin' of which,
how was your Christmas and all that?
- Oh, my wife was adamant that
we go to Mass this morning.
Dragged my hungover ass outta bed 7:30 AM
- Ooh.
- I don't know.
She's going through some kind
of religious kick, I guess.
I don't know. She's never
made me do this shit before.
- Sounds was terrible.
- It was.
- Mm.
- After all that two
hours hungover in church,
take a guess at what she
got me for Christmas.
- A dildo?
- Shirts.
- Hmm.
- You know what she got me
the year before?
- A big double-ended dildo?
- Shirts.
- Hmm.
- Bad Christmas all around.
How about you?
Your kid, the, the dog costume?
- Uh, I sucked it up. I got it for him.
I mean, his mother did pitch in half.
Fuckin' thing was so expensive.
- You bought it for him.
I thought you said there
was all this weird sex shit
attached to it.
- Maybe there is. Maybe not.
Fuck if I know.
But it's like you said, Chet.
I got one fuckin' kid.
This is what he wants to do with his life?
Fine.
It's fuckin' weird, but
what am I going to do?
Be like my old man and disown him,
never talk to him again?
How's that gonna help anybody?
I mean, so he's a little fucking weird.
Fine.
- Yeah, but Kurt, I mean you gotta,
you gotta try to explain to him
that dressing up like a dog, I mean,
it's not normal.
- Maybe it is now.
I mean, maybe we were
wrong about this thing.
Maybe these weirdos are onto
something and, you know,
in the future
maybe everybody's gonna be walking around
dressed up like cats and dogs.
- Good for you, Kurt.
I bet it was the best
Christmas of his life.
- Yeah, of course you like it.
- You know, Pat, you were actually wrong
for once last night.
- Last night? What are you talking about?
I don't remember what we
talked about five minutes ago.
Last night?
- You said that North Korea
was gonna nuke us on Christmas.
- You did.
- It's Christmas. We're still here.
- Okay, yeah.
What's your point?
- I don't know.
Maybe, uh, maybe you can't
spend your whole life
waiting for some giant invisible
anvil to fall on your head.
- Okay. I get it.
That's why you're not gonna
turn on Fox News for me anymore?
- That is exactly why. Yeah.
- Well, can you at least change this?
'Cause last I checked, Chetty,
we're not in Europe.
- Just 'cause it's Christmas.
- I cannot catch a fucking break.
How can this movie still be playing?
- You are in "Groundhog Day," Patty?
Every day you're gonna wake up
and it's gonna be Christmas still.
- Hey, you're freaking me out, Kurt.
Jesus Christ.
- Yeah.
- Hey, where the fuck is Shorty?
- I'm gonna, I'm gonna go have a smoke.
- You're smoking again, Kurt?
- Oh, save it, Chet.
You've been sucking on that robot prick
every five seconds.
Whoa, geez. All right.
- It's that time.
Gotta take a shit.
- Let me know if you need a hand, old man.
Santa's looking at his list
And he's clenching up his fist
No good boy or girl
In this whole goddamn world
And he's pulling at his beard
It's worse than he feels
He's up there at the pole
Filling up big old bags of coal
Santa's feeling like
a loser and a sucker
Santa's feeling like
a loser and a sucker
And you know those reindeers
Oh, they have to eat too
Santa doesn't want to
Have to turn those reindeers
Into
food
- Chetty, shot, please.
I think you overdid it
this year on the, uh,
Christmas decorations.
I feel like I'm trapped in a
fuckin' snow globe.
- What is wrong with you guys?
I swear you're more peppy about 9/11
than you are about Christmas.
- Hey. Hey.
Careful.
You got a decorated a fireman right here.
- That's right.
- I'm sorry.
Just try, okay?
Just try to enjoy the Christmas stuff.
We got the lights. We got the music.
I did a whole tree.
It can be kinda nice if you let it, huh?
- Yeah, normally,
I would side with you
about this Christmas thing,
but this year I think I'm siding with Pat.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Why is that?
- Because my
14-year-old son. Tells me
he wants one thing this year,
this big fuckin' dog
costume, realistic fur,
with these big cartoon
hands and everything.
So I asked him, "Why do you
want this fuckin' thing?"
And it's expensive as shit too.
- A, a dog costume?
- Well the kid won't
give me a straight answer,
so I gotta look up more info on it.
It turns out it's this weird
kind of sexual thing, man.
It's fucked up.
- But don't blame yourself, Kurt.
Teenagers today are fucked. Okay,
they do all this weird shit.
They're always online.
They don't wanna fuck each other.
Your son wants this costume, you tell him,
"Get out there, mow some lawns."
- Mm.
- What lawns is he gonna mow?
It's fuckin' winter, Pat.
- Mm.
- Always a smart remark
from the guy behind the bar.
- All I'm sayin', Kurt,
you got one kid, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, so get him the costume.
What's the worst that could happen?
- He only feels this way
because he's got a matching costume
in his fuckin' closet at home.
- Mine's a cat. Shorty, you good?
- Huh?
- Shorty.
Ugh.
Could you please change that shit?
- All right. Fine.
Oh shit. Look at that.
That's the show that filmed here.
- Ugh, not this again.
- Remember this, last
December, over a year ago now?
- Yeah, I remember.
The bar was closed for two days.
I had to go to Bernie's, fuckin' shithole.
- Weren't you in that?
You were, um, sittin'
at the bar or somethin'?
Right?
- Jesus.
You don't remember?
He's told us this story 10 times.
- Yeah. Yeah, I was in the scene.
But I wasn't fuckin'
sitting, I was the bartender.
I was in the shot for like
four minutes straight.
- Hey, uh, what, what was
the name of that again?
- It's, uh, it's called "Pit Bulls."
It's about, it's about, like,
traders on the stock market.
But this episode, the two main guys,
they go out bar hopping, right?
So in the scene, they're
supposed to be drunk.
They didn't really fuckin' seem drunk.
So the guy, this main guy, David Culhain,
he says to me,
"Hey, man, you're a bartender.
You must see a lot of
drunk people, right?"
I spend every day in my
life with you assholes,
so I said, "Yes, of course I do."
So he says to me, "What
are we doing wrong?"
How would we be acting if
we were totally wasted?"
So I, so I told him
and he did what I said,
and he said that I
saved the fuckin' scene.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- And then to thank me,
he wanted to gimme a line.
He was gonna gimme a
line in the fuckin' show.
I was gonna say a line on TV.
Then some fuckin' producer said, "No, no,
if he opens his mouth, we gotta pay him.
There's no room in the budget."
I said, "No, man, it's all good.
You don't have to pay me.
I'll just say the line."
And he said, "No, there's
a lot of paperwork.
It's like a legal thing."
I don't know.
I said, "I'd sign whatever they wanted,
but he wasn't going for it."
- Hey, Brando, can I get a refill, please?
- Hey, Chet, you,
you ever try to be in some
other show or something?
- Yeah, th- this fuckin' guy,
David Culhain, he actually...
He put my number in his phone.
He said he was gonna call me for, like,
little acting jobs, background stuff.
- Oh shit. So did he?
- No. No.
That was over a year ago, so I don't know.
Fuck me, right?
- Chetty, you're better off.
They're all perverts these actors.
- Well, so are 9 out of
10 guys that come in here.
So maybe that's just people, I don't know.
- Oh.
So naive, Chetty.
Out there in Hollywood,
these guys, they're always
throwing sex parties.
Fingering kids, okay?
Smoking each other's poles.
Even the ones you think are straight.
Uh, Eastwood,
Duvall. Smoking pole.
- Bobby Duvall from "The Godfather"?
- Yeah.
He's gay.
- Fuck.
- Hi, ladies.
Uh-
- Hi there.
Slow night?
- Yeah. Yeah.
The, the Bachelor party doesn't get here
for another hour, so...
I'm just kidding. There's
no bachelor party.
Uh, what can I get you?
- Uh, I'll have a mojito.
Same for her.
- Sorry.
Actually, I, I don't think I
have the right stuff for that.
- Oh.
Do you have ice?
- Yeah.
- Okay, then I will have a cup of ice,
but filled up halfway
with vodka and then soda,
and she'll have one too.
- Great. So that's two vodka sodas.
On the way.
- Hey.
- Raymond.
- Hey.
Hey, Chet, gimme a...
Who you making cocktails for?
Hi, my name is Ray.
It's my distinct pleasure
to make both of your
acquaintances.
Chet, put their drinks on my tab.
- We talked about this, Ray.
- Please, kid. I'm just
trying to be cordial here.
If there's an issue,
could you at least tell me in private?
- Look, Ray, I know you like
to be an old school gent
for the ladies,
but are you actually gonna
fuckin' pay this time?
- What the fuck you talking about?
- You don't remember this?
A month ago, when those
women came in here,
you said exactly the same thing.
You said to put their drinks on your tab.
- Maybe. It's, it's a little hazy.
This is a bar after all.
- Okay, well, at the end of the night,
you ran up a $200 tab.
You were 50 bucks short
and you said you don't trust ATMs, so-
- Yeah, Chet, that may have happened-
- Oh, it happened.
- But I'm flush tonight.
I'm covered.
And, frankly, these two
don't look like the kind
to order anything expensive,
so please don't embarrass me here.
- Do I have to tell you what
kinda trouble the bar is in?
Okay, I can't be doing favors
and forgiving tabs just
in the name of chivalry.
- I just told you, I got it covered!
- I know you, Ray.
You're gonna get too drunk.
You're gonna lose track
of how much you're spending.
- What,
what are you asking me to say here?
You're asking me to commit suicide?
- No, nobody is asking
you to commit suicide.
- Chetty, I may ask him to.
- Pat, you're not
fuckin' helping, man.
- You know, when it was just Bert here,
I never had a problem.
- Oh.
- The 'Wich was my go-to place.
Then one day he says to me,
"My nephew's gonna take over most nights."
And I say, "Great, I love the kid."
First fuckin' week you're workin' here,
I'm talkin' to this woman.
You come over, tell her joke
about me pukin' one night,
now she thinks I'm a pants-pissin' drunk
and she doesn't wanna have anything to-
- If the shoe fits, Raymond.
- Fuck off, Pat!
You're in here twice as much as me.
Nobody is fuckin' talking to you.
- Ray, Ray, Ray,
Ray, Ray, you're scaring 'em.
- I'm gonna tell your uncle about this.
I still got his number.
Good evening, ladies.
- Uh, ladies, don't forget your drinks.
Two vodka sodas.
- I'm sorry. I think
we're just gonna, um...
- Look, I know, that guy's a psycho,
but he is never in here.
And the rest of these guys
are really, really nice.
Kurt is the world's best uncle.
He's just not wearing the hat right now.
- What?
- Listen, I,
I have been trying to get
some younger people in here,
and you guys are some younger people.
I'm sorry it's so dusty.
I...
Tell you what, um,
why don't you go play
something on the jukebox.
It's digital.
- That's really okay. I-
- Mi- Miranda.
The guy's trying.
We can s- stay for one drink.
- All right.
- So did you guys come
from, like, a, a party or-
- Oh, right.
Um, office Christmas party.
- Awesome. Awesome.
What kinda office?
- A dental office.
We're hygienists.
- That's actually crazy
because Kurt has been complaining
about this tooth for, like,
three weeks, right, Kurt?
- Uh, yeah.
But, uh, it's, it's, it's,
it's feeling a lot better now.
- Would you mind taking
a look at it or, like,
having him come in or something?
- Oh, we don't really do-
- Uh, which tooth is it?
- Uh, th- th- this one.
Yeah.
- Yeah, that gray one,
um, that's totally rotted.
You gotta get that pulled,
otherwise it's gonna start
hurting real bad by, like,
mid-January.
- It already does.
Chet, why'd you have to mention that?
I normally have very good
oral hygiene overall.
Sorry, Kurt. He, he does.
- No, look, don't worry about it.
I see so many mouths a day.
It's not possible to gross me out.
- Uh, uh, thanks.
Gimme a shot, will you, Chet?
- Yep.
- You guys ever seen the
movie "Pulp Fiction"?
- Um, yeah.
- You remember the, the guy
who plays the heroin dealer?
Eric Stoltz?
- No.
- Uh, no.
- Well, maybe if you saw a picture.
He came into the bar one time.
That's actually him.
- Oh.
- He is much taller in person.
- Okay.
This just isn't the vibe
we're looking for tonight.
As much as I love inspecting teeth
and checking out Eric Schultz-
- Eric Stoltz.
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom
and then we're gonna go, okay, Maeve?
- Yep. Whenever you want.
- She, uh, she barely
touched that thing.
- Sorry.
- No, I get it.
I, uh, I wouldn't really
want to hang out here either.
What did, what did she say your name was?
- Uh, Maeve.
- It's a nice name.
- Yeah, it's my grandma's
name on my dad's side.
Uh, what's yours?
- It's, uh, it's Chet.
It's, it's kinda nobody's name.
- That's nice.
- No, it's not. It's
a terrible fuckin' name.
- Yeah, it's not. I'm sorry.
- No.
Hey, don't be sorry. It's not your fault.
So you guys, uh,
you guys go out a lot,
you and your friend?
- Uh, no, not really.
Honestly, I don't go out much
this time of year at all;
the whole, like, getting
dark at 4:00 PM thing.
I basically just go straight from work
and get right into bed, so...
I hate the winter.
- Yeah, so do these guy.
These guys hate, uh, the winter.
They hate snow, they hate Christmas.
- Well, I don't, I don't hate Christmas,
although I am more of like
a Halloween kinda girl.
- Okay, so you're like a,
you're like a, a goth.
You're like one of these girls whose, uh,
whose favorite Christmas movie
is the scary one with the,
the skeleton that sings,
the one that's actually a Halloween movie.
- Okay, I,
I haven't been a goth since high school.
But, yeah, I like "The
Nightmare Before Christmas."
I've seen it, like, 20 times.
- Okay. I'm just gonna do one more.
Did you, by any chance,
happen to own a bunch of T-shirts
with the skeleton guy on 'em?
- No, no. That's not true.
I was, I was, like, a casual goth.
Okay, that was a lie.
I wasn't casual. I was all in.
I was, um,
I was Maevella Ravenswood.
- What's up?
- It was, uh,
it was the name I gave myself?
I had, like, a blog. I
wrote all these poems.
It's actually probably on
the internet somewhere.
No, no, no.
- On the internet?
Oh, that's interesting.
- No, no, no.
I'm gonna figure out-
- The American internet?
- I'm sure it actually doesn't exist.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna figure out
how to get it taken down
and destroyed.
Seriously, seriously.
- Okay.
Well, I should actually,
I should probably be kinda careful, huh?
- Why?
- Well, I, I don't wanna get, like,
hexed or cut open by Maevella Ravenswood.
- Oh my god.
- Well-
- Shut up.
- Look, she's gone now,
so you don't have to worry.
- I never got that.
I never got the,
the fascination with the
morbid shit.
- No?
Well, you must have had a
nice childhood or something.
- That's right. I had
a very nice childhood.
Did you ever see the show
"Leave It to Beaver"?
That was actually based on my whole shit.
- Okay. So you're making fun of me now?
- No, I just, you know,
it was, like, normal bad.
It wasn't funny enough for TV.
It wasn't interesting enough
for a movie.
But I don't know, like,
for some reason,
every year at Christmas I just,
I felt better.
I don't know why.
You,
you know that thing when
a kid opens a present
in a Christmas movie
and their whole face kinda just like...
That's what it felt like to me.
- Does it still feel like that?
- Uh, it's a little different.
But, I mean, look around.
It never quite went away.
- That's sweet that
you're still some, like,
starry-eyed Christmas kid
after all these years.
It's like a Christmas movie.
- Hey, uh...
Would you, would you maybe
write your number on this?
- You don't wanna, like,
put it in your phone like a normal person?
- I mean, we can do that,
but I thought this might be
a little bit more like a,
like a Christmas movie, like you said.
- Yeah, maybe like a corny rom-com.
- You've never seen a Christmas rom-com,
like on the the Hallmark Channel?
- The Hallmark Channel?
Are you sure you don't
want my grandma's number?
'Cause she loves that shit.
- Okay.
Very good, very good.
Look, I'm not gonna,
I'm not gonna, like,
harass you with calls and texts and stuff.
I'm, I'm really pretty normal.
- That's good.
- Sorry, I was fixing my makeup.
You ready to go?
- Uh, yeah.
But now I have to go to the bathroom.
So just, I'll be right back.
- You better not call her.
You better tear that thing up.
I mean it.
I guess she's drunker than I thought.
Look, I'm not going into details,
but you'd be doing yourself a favor.
Not that I have anything against you
or this holly jolly
establishment, but, uh,
this and this don't have any place
in her life right now.
- Okay. Well, I will tear it
up just as soon as guys leave.
- I mean it.
I hear you called her, I'm,
I'm coming down here.
- Please do.
We would, uh, we would
appreciate your business.
- Ready?
- Yes, please.
I think I just saw a rat run by.
- Uh, that's not a rat.
That's a mouse.
And he has taught me
a lot of life lessons.
- It was a rat.
Let's go.
- We don't have rats.
- Good night, ladies.
Mm-hmm.
I saw you get that number off of her.
- Oh, you're so sweet and innocent
talking about how you love Christmas.
What the fuck was that about my tooth?
- I was trying to help, Kurt.
- Sure, help yourself.
You know, maybe Ray is right.
You do try to sabotage us
whenever girls come in.
- Why? Why would I do that?
- 'Cause you wanna keep
us in here every night,
sad and drinking.
If we start getting laid,
you might lose a regular.
You are in the business
of misery, my friend.
No point denying it.
- Look, don't you think it
might actually help business
if somebody, somebody, one person,
got laid around here, right,
if everybody wasn't quite as miserable
as you sad fucks?
What do you think scared
'em off in the first place?
Jesus, man.
- Whatever, Chet.
- Okay, tell you what.
Uh, the very next woman
that comes in here,
I'm going to shut my mouth.
I'm not gonna say a fuckin' word
and you can charm the pants off her, okay?
Cheer up, man.
The number's probably a fuckin' fake.
When it turns out it's fake,
will make sure to tell you and Pat
so you guys can have a big laugh
about how much of a loser I am.
- Yeah.
- I don't think you're a loser.
- Thank you.
- I think you are a weenie.
Those, those are two
very different things.
- Great. Thank you for that.
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort
And joy
Oh tidings of comfort
And joy
- None of this is on me, Pat.
You're fuckin' killing yourself here, man.
Look, I'm not the surgeon general.
I'm a bartender.
You're retired, you got a state pension,
you got a wife who loves
you for some fuckin' reason.
You're too old for this shit.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- You, uh, you went to the bathroom, Pat,
you just didn't make it all the way.
I called your wife. She's on her way.
Oh, stay right there.
I'm gonna get you a water.
Stay there.
Drink that.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
- Was she, uh, sleeping, Vera,
when you called her?
- Yep. Think so.
- Hmm.
Oh, she didn't sign up for this.
- Oh, yeah. And I did?
- You're fine.
You wanna be a Hollywood actor?
Go ahead.
Ain't gonna work out, though.
You're not meant to be in movies, Chetty.
You're meant to be right here
helping drunks get to the bathroom,
to the stool.
It's okay. I'm meant to be here too.
We're all exactly where
we're supposed to be,
every single one of us.
- Yeah. Fuck you too.
- No, no.
I'm serious.
Chet, the truth is we're
not in charge down here.
You know, we're not behind the wheel.
We don't get to make the plans.
Some people,
they're meant to fuckin' die
burning up in skyscraper.
Other people are meant
to be drunk assholes
their whole life.
But some people are meant
to be in movies, eh?
Just a few.
And it ain't you, Chetty.
'Cause you are not, you know...
- Not what?
- Huh?
- I'm not what?
- You're not Jewish.
- Are you...
Go back to sleep.
Vera's gonna be here in a minute.
Fuckin' moron.
Speak of the devil.
- You're awake.
What are you putting this
poor kid through, Pat?
- He's fine.
- Chet, I'm sorry.
- It's all good, Vera.
- Give him a, uh,
give him a ten-spot.
- I don't need a ten-spot.
Thank you, Vera.
- Next time, you're gonna have two less
to spare this kid your bullshit.
- Yeah.
- Put a glass of water in
front of him, all right?
I don't care if he asked for it or not.
- I did try to...
Yeah.
Come on.
Come on. I gotta look up.
Come on.
- Put your back into it.
- Okay.
- All right. Thank you, Chet, really.
I'm sorry about this.
- It's no problem, Vera.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Night.
- Good night.
You're a good boy, Chetty.
- The door's not working.
- Oh, f-
Ray, you gotta go home, man.
The bar's closed.
- What?
- You already scared the girls off, Ray.
They're gone.
- You really not gonna let me in?
- Look, I gotta lock up, man.
You gotta find another bar to
go finish your meltdown in.
- Meltdown?
What are y-
Always with the negative assessments?
You know, my yogi tells me,
when someone comes at me with negativity,
do not engage.
And, and, and,
and I know that's what
I did earlier tonight.
I engaged and that was my fault.
But now I'm completely calm,
I'm not even mad about the girls anymore.
- Okay. Well, I, I'm very glad to hear it.
But why the fuck are you here?
- Oh, uh, yeah.
Yeah.
There's 60.
So we're square, yeah?
- Yeah, Ray. We're square.
- That's not for
you. That's for the bar.
I don't wanna see this
place get all boarded up.
- I'm gonna put it in
the register right now.
- Good. I trust you.
You're a good kid.
And, uh, uh, I'm sorry
I yelled at you earlier.
Just-..
- Just another night at the 'Wich, Ray.
- Yeah.
So, uh,
I guess I'll, uh,
just get back to my car now.
- Wait, you drove here?
- I'm not walking in this cold.
- How much have you drunk?
- I don't know.
I was just Bernie's.
I had a couple beers.
- What about before you were here?
- Well, was at the Crow's Nest.
A couple scotch and sodas?
- Yeah, you're gonna get a fuckin' DUI.
- I'm probably better
driving drunk than sober.
You don't need to worry about me.
- No, no.
That's not gonna work.
I don't wanna wake up tomorrow
and find out you wrapped
your car around a tree.
- I'm a grown man.
I can, I can, I can manage.
You're the one that's concerned.
- All right. Come in.
It's gonna make me feel better.
- So did you get
anywhere with those two?
- Who?
- Those two fuckin' girls
you cock blocked me in front of.
- Oh, actually,
I, uh, got a number.
- Well, then go
ahead and call her now.
- I'm not gonna call her with you here.
- Think about it this way.
If, if, if you call it tonight
while she still remembers you,
there's a chance you
might actually get laid.
But if you wait till tomorrow,
8 to 10 odds,
she won't pick up.
She won't even return
your fuckin' message.
- Where are you getting these odds from?
- Experience, that's where.
All right, be that way.
But I know what I'm talking about.
Back in the day, when I was your age,
I used to fuck a lot.
- Huh.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, look, believe it or not,
I am not interested in
just fuckin' around.
I wanna find something real.
- Like, get married?
You have plenty of time for that.
Why are you in such a hurry?
- Well, not getting married,
just I get a little lonely sometimes.
- Well, getting laid is easy,
that is hard.
I mean, finding somebody you really like
can take years.
It can most of the rest of your life.
- You know, I, I think I
might regret asking this,
but have you ever been in love?
Like, for real?
- Yeah, actually.
Only very recently though,
which is what I'm trying to say here.
It took decades for me
to find the right person.
- Hmm.
- And a whole lot of heartbreak.
- If you found the real deal,
what the fuck are you doing
in here hitting on women
half your age?
- 'Cause
it's complicated, all right?
It's very complicated.
Very, very, very fuckin'
complicated actually.
You ever heard of, uh, bakla?
It's, uh...
Well, it, it means...
... lady boy.
- Oh, Jesus Christ, Ray.
You know you can't fuckin' say that-
- Please don't gimme any
of that motherfuckin' crap.
Can I just speak here for just a second?
You know, most guys in here,
they wouldn't understand,
so I keep my mouth shut.
But I thought maybe, you know...
I and she,
we...
I'm, I'm sure I don't
have to explain myself
to a young liberal guy like you.
So, yeah.
- Not at all, man.
- Thanks, Chet.
- Okay.
Tell me about this, uh, this
whirlwind romance of yours.
- I mean, you don't
think it's gay, do you?
- No.
Even if it is, who fuckin' cares, right?
- So you're saying it is?
- No.
No, it's not, it's not gay.
I'm saying it's, it's nice.
It's nice that you found somebody.
Like you said, it's fuckin' hard.
- Well, there's a reason
I don't tell all the guys
around here about it.
They wouldn't get it.
But...
And I know I don't have to mention this,
but I'd appreciate it if you
didn't say anything to them.
- Who fuckin' cares what these guys say?
They, they just want
everyone to be as miserable
as they are.
- Just tell me you won't say anything.
- I'm not gonna say a word.
- Good, because, you know,
if anybody did find out,
I'd have to, you know, bang!
- Jesus.
- And I don't, I,
I don't think you want
that on your conscience.
- Look, it's not that serious, okay?
You don't have to be all freaked out.
You guys should go out.
Take her, take her to Jody's.
It's right around the corner. Easy.
- Jody's?
Wait. That's a gay bar.
- Oh, f-
- So you do think it's gay?
- No, Ray.
I'm just saying a lot of
different kinds of people
go to Jody's.
- You know, you're a real fuckin'...
- Ray.
- I, I open myself up to you,
tell you something I
never told anybody here,
and then you fuckin' act like a prick.
- Ray.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, come on.
- And fuck your coffee.
Never coming back here.
- Fuck, man.
- Fuck! What the fuck?
- You gotta unlock it, Ray.
It's locked.
To the right.
- Fuck you!
- Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
This fuckin' mess.
- Ray, goddamn it.
I told you we're closed, man.
Hi.
- Hey,
You're closed?
- Uh, technically, yeah, but...
Where, where's, uh, where,
where's your friend?
- Oh, probably in, in bed
with some guy.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, we, uh, we went to this, like,
really hip bar called Starky's,
total opposite of this place.
And Miranda hit it off with some guy
and I was basically third
wheeling the whole night.
Might as well have not been there, so...
Um...
Anyways, um,
I just came back to tell you
that, um...
the number is fake.
- Okay.
Well, thank you for telling me.
Wow, I actually thought I was
doing pretty good over there.
That's, like, the best
fucking conversation
I've had in weeks.
So fuck me, right.
- Yeah, it, it was.
It was a fine conversation.
I mean, it wasn't great,
but not bad.
- Okay.
Uh, thank you for telling me.
- I don't know.
You know, I was, I was just like,
I was at this I bar,
watching Miranda with
these guys all night.
It was, like, a packed fucking bar
and not a single guy talked to me.
And they were all, like, 25,
so I felt, like, so fucking old.
And then this guy, this
guy Miranda was with,
he didn't even have any friends.
And so I just thought, you know...
- Wow. Thank you.
- So, uh...
Uh,
so
how do you like this job, you know, like,
bartending with all these old guys?
Sorry.
- Uh, okay.
Were you ever a, a babysitter?
- Yeah. In high shool.
I figure, I figure it's probably
kind of like babysitting,
you know, with a bunch
of wrinkly old babies.
You give 'em a beer when they cry,
you turn on Fox News and let 'em tune out.
It's not hard.
- That's a great image:
old guys in diapers.
You're like, um, you're
like the boomer babysitter.
Oh, you're like the boomer sitter.
I'm sorry.
It sounds kinda terrible.
- Oh, it's, it's not bad.
The regulars kinda start to grow on you.
You know, they come in at
the same time every night,
they're dependable.
I don't know, you kinda start to like it.
Six o'clock on the dot, here comes Pat.
He sits in that stool.
It's kind of nice.
- Yeah, but you're like a young guy.
You should be bartending
somewhere fun, you know,
like a club.
I mean, I just feel like if you stay here,
you're gonna, like,
kill yourself at 40.
- Wow. Thank you for your
sensitivity with your words.
Thank you.
- Whatever.
Well, I've been drinking since 5:00.
Probably wouldn't be doing
any of this otherwise.
- Well, you don't seem drunk.
- Yeah. Well, I've been
spacing out my drinks.
You're sure you're not serving drinks?
'Cause I could go for one more
before I have to, like,
go home and lie down.
- I'm gonna be honest with you.
I gotta get the fuck
outta this bar.
But, you know,
we could go get a drink somewhere else,
if you're asking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Gimme one second. I'm gonna clean up.
Uh, just, uh, just gimme one second.
- Uh.
Uh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, we are good.
- What do you mean we're good?
- Oh, I just, uh, I don't
live alone, technically.
- Ah. You have roommates?
- Can you call your mom a roommate?
- Oh.
I mean, most people don't.
They just call their mom their mom.
- I'm sorry. I should have said something.
I just, I I didn't think
you'd wanna come if I did.
- Uh, believe it or not,
uh, I've seen worse.
Yeah, I went back to this one guy's place,
and he lived with his grandparents.
All night we could hear them
snoring in those machines
with the masks
And then, like, and then, like,
every 30 minutes they'd get
up and go into the kitchen
to make themselves a snack.
- CPAP machine.
- Yes, that.
- Well, that does make
me feel better, so...
You're really, you're really beautiful.
- Could I go outside and get some water?
- Oh, I can get it.
- Thanks.
- Sparkling or still?
You can have the one with the handle.
- Thanks. Thank you.
- Something wrong or-
- No.
- Oh god.
I knew you were gonna say
something about the poster.
- This stuff is just-
- Just, uh-
- I'm, like, having a flashback
to my college boyfriend's
dorm, actually, my,
my high school boyfriend.
What are those?
- Those are...
Um, I don't know.
I just kinda always had 'em.
I mean, what am I supposed
to have in my room?
Like,
fuckin' taxes?
- You don't get what I'm saying.
Look, I'm trying to help you.
I mean, I don't care that
you live with your mom
and have all these old toys in your room,
but, you know,
most women would.
If you took any of them back here,
they'd take one look at your room,
turn around and walk
right back out the door.
Again, I don't care. I'm just saying
- It kinda seems like you do care.
- No, I don't.
I'm sorry. I'm, I'm being...
Look, I'm actually, I'm actually just...
Forget it.
Okay?
Let's just go back to bed.
- Wait, are you sure you
don't care about the-
- Yeah, I'm sure.
It's a great room.
It's manly, mature.
- You know, I really like you.
People like you, like, smart,
funny people,
they don't,
they don't really come
into my life very often.
I don't know why.
Talking to you earlier, I just,
I knew right away that I liked you.
And when you came back
into the bar, I was,
I was so happy.
Like...
really, really happy.
'Cause, like I said, I didn't know if, uh,
if I was ever even gonna see you again.
Yeah, like, maybe, maybe
the number wouldn't work
or you wouldn't call me back.
- I mean, it was fake.
- Yeah, but you came back.
- I know.
It's late. Let's sleep.
- Oh, Chetty!
You're getting coal this year.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Over the hills we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon, Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank
And we, we got upsot
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
In a one-horse open
Sleigh
- Boop.
Oh.
Merry Christmas, you
filthy animal.
It's just what I wanted. How'd you know?
Oh, I got next game.
Nobody saw that.
What, nobody saw that?
Yeah, I'm a man among men
There's men and there's me
I'm a man
Among men
- Oh.
Oh, look who it is.
- So you don't wanna take-
- My close personal friend.
- But you wanna take most of it
and make sure that other
people don't have it.
That's the game.
That's all there ever was.
- We're not
playing with SEO funds here.
We're trying to make some-
- I'm never gonna stop.
- I wouldn't have have called me either.
- And
I never will.
- Oh.
- Whew.
- Oh,
that's gonna be nice.
- Oh, hey.
Where've you been?
- I was just out for a little jog.
I'm getting really into jogging lately.
It's, it's actually supposed
to be pretty good for you.
- Oh yeah?
Yeah, well, it looks like
maybe you oughta go lie down.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go to my room
and maybe just do some stretching.
- Sounds like a good idea.
Did I, uh, hear someone
else's voice last night
after you came in?
- No.
You fell asleep on the couch, Mom.
You heard the TV.
- Oh, yeah?
I was just asking
What time they got you going in today?
- Not until 4:00, so I might,
I might do another jog.
- Yeah.
Well, it's Christmas Eve,
so it'd be nice to spend
some time together.
- All right, Shorty?
- Huh?
Ah.
- Crazy little fuck.
- Who?
- Him?
Kim Jong-il.
- It's, uh, Un.
- Huh?
- It's Kim Jong-un.
Kim Jong-il was his dad.
- Whatever. Un.
He's still a crazy fuck.
He keeps saying that North
Korea is gonna bomb us
on Christmas.
- He, he, he's not going to do it.
- Well, maybe, but he keeps making
all kinds of sick jokes about it,
telling us we need to be
ready for a Christmas gift.
You know what he means by that, right?
Gift.
- A fuckin' missile.
- Exactly. Fuckin' missile.
Little fuckin' nut.
- Whatever.
He's been saying that
type of shit for years.
- Yeah, but you can't tell.
The guy's a fucking head case.
You get him riled up enough,
he can't get it up for his wife, and boom,
we're all ash.
- All right.
No more Fox News for you.
- Hey.
Of course, the Christmas Nazi
wants to put his head in a big stocking
and pretend everything's all good.
Hmm.
Well, if you're gonna
make us watch this again,
can I at least get another beer?
Kurt?
Two.
O holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
Of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world
In sin and error, pining
'Til He appeared
And the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn'
Fall on your knees
O hear the angel voices
O night divine
O night
When Christ was born
- Are you, uh, open?
- Uh, yah, sure.
Just let me, um, lemme,
lemme clean this up.
- How much?
- It's, uh, 3.50.
- This is the Ale 'N 'Wich, right?
- Yep.
- I'm Tony.
- Uh, Chet.
- Chet.
You have fun last night, Chet?
- Well, I was, uh, I
was here working, so...
- Working, yeah.
Ya know, I'm parked across the street.
- Cool.
- Got a steel pipe in the backseat
and I was gonna come over here
and bash your fucking head in with it.
- We don't, we don't have any
fuckin' money here, all right?
I had, like, three customers all night,
so you can have-
- Calm down.
I'm not gonna do shit, okay?
I'm already sitting here
talking to you, aren't I?
- Okay, so what the
fuck do you mean about-
- Chet,
last night you took some girl home,
fucked her, huh?
Is that right?
- Yeah. So?
- She was my fiance.
- Oh.
Fuck, man, I don't know shit about that.
I, I-
- Doesn't matter. You're
just some fuckin' guy.
You know, some chick
came up to me with a ring
and asked me to fuck her,
I'd probably do it too.
I mean, I, I've cheated on her before.
Yeah. Yeah.
So who am I to judge?
You know?
It's just I got so fuckin'
mad when she told me.
I felt like I had to do something.
- Yeah.
- I was gonna get a bunch of
my boys to come in here with me
and spook you,
scare the shit out of you,
fuck you up,
but...
I forgot it's Christmas Eve.
So they're all with their families.
I'm honestly surprised you're here.
Don't you have somewhere better to be?
- Don't you?
- Man, I'm Jewish.
I don't fucking care.
And just for the record,
in case you thought
there was anything real
between the two of you,
that last night meant anything at all,
she gave you up real fucking quick man.
- Yeah, I yelled at her
for like 30 seconds.
And then, "Who is he?"
"I don't know.
His name's Chet or something,
some fuckin' bartender
at some fuckin' dive
Called the Ale 'N 'Wich."
Just threw you under
the bus like that, man.
- Well,
um,
you want another one of those, or?
- You got bourbon?
- Oh, now we're talking.
- This happen a lot?
Guys like me coming here,
married guys, wanting to,
complain to you about their wives?
- I mean, just every
night of my fuckin' life.
- God, my marriage is gonna
be a fuckin' disaster.
Trust me.
There's nothing I can
do about it now, huh?
- I mean, it's not too late.
You're not even married yet.
- No, it's practically done.
Our families are all...
- Intertwined.
Excited.
They got plans and a
guest list and everything.
Her niece is already
calling me Uncle Tony.
At this point,
it's easier to just keep my head down
and go with the flow.
- Yeah.
Sounds like a,
a real nightmare.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy.
- Yep. Yeah.
- I gotta close up, man.
It's time to go home.
- Um, did I pay you?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're good.
I am gonna call you a car. It's on me.
Just put your address in.
- Oh, fuck.
I drove here.
I got, I got to, um, I
gotta take my car back.
I gotta-
- No, no, no, no, no.
Man, look, you got your keys?
- Yeah, I, I feel 'em here.
- Okay, so you're gonna
leave your car here overnight
and you're gonna come get it
in the morning, all right?
It's gonna be fine.
- Aye aye, Captain.
I came here to kick your ass
and now I'm taking orders from you.
- Man, I'm not telling you what to do.
I'm just saying that if
you drive home like this,
you're gonna get pulled over.
The cops are fuckin' out
there crawling around,
looking for people driving
home from Christmas parties.
- Parties.
Christmas parties.
- Oh, Santa's sleigh.
- Chad.
- Yeah.
- You're an okay guy.
Happy Kwanza.
Ho ho ho!
- Get home safe.
- Ho ho ho.
- Drink some water.
- Happy Kwanza.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- I made you some cinnamon buns,
and they're warming in the oven.
- Wow.
Thank you. That's...
Did you make any coffee or?
- Oh yeah.
Sit there. No, I'm gonna get it.
You stay there.
'Cause it's Christmas.
- Thank you.
- What time did you get in last night?
- 2:00, I think.
- Oh, those damns drunks.
What the hell are they doing there
till 2:00 in the morning on Christmas Eve?
Don't they have families to go to?
- Not all of 'em.
It was fine.
I don't have to go until 5:30 today, so...
- Bert's got you working today?
- It's Bert.
- What the hell is wrong with him?
Ah...
Merry Christmas.
- Wait, Ma. We said no gifts.
I didn't get you anything.
- Well, you wanna know something?
I got my son with me on Christmas,
and that's my gift.
- Thank you.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
I got thinking about, uh,
when you were taking those acting classes
at the beginning of the year.
And I was thinking that
maybe you should start
taking 'em again.
- Oh, uh, I'm not really
doing that anymore.
- Why not? It was good for you.
And I could never really understand
why you quit taking
them in the first place.
- I mean, they were, they
were expensive and they,
they kinda made me feel like an asshole.
- Why?
- I don't know, Ma.
It's all this, like,
Shakespeare stuff, right?
You know, doth, thy liege,
forsake the...
- Yeah.
- And, like, analyzing and all this.
I don't know about that.
- That's what class is for.
That's how you learn it.
- They all,
they all look,
they all look down on me, Ma.
Even the girls, they just-
- You are not in the
class to pick up girls.
You're there to learn to be an actor.
- I know.
But it's embarrassing.
The fuckin' teacher is
crawling all over the place
asking you to do weird shit.
We're all rolling around on the ground
pretending to be caterpillars.
It's fucking-
- Chet.
Most actors take acting
class their whole lives.
They audition and they audition
and they never get on a TV show.
You were on a friggin' TV show
before any of them actors.
You were probably the biggest
actor in that whole class.
- We gotta stop kidding ourselves, Ma.
All right, I was in the background.
You could barely see me.
- Lemme tell you something, Chet.
You don't give yourself half
the credit that you deserve,
not a half.
- I'm sorry, Mom. Thank you.
Thank you.
- You're gonna read that book?
Huh? What?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna read it.
- You're gonna read it?
- I'm gonna read it.
- Well, merry Christmas.
- I've never seen you
read a book your entire life.
What the hell is that?
- It's, uh, it's an acting book.
It's supposed to teach me how to act.
- Oh.
You know, they make bartending books too,
teach you how to mix drinks,
so when a woman comes in here
and asks for a cocktail,
you can actually make it for her.
- Thank you for your feedback, Pat.
- Man, where is Shorty?
- Can I get a shots of
bourbon for Kurt and myself.
And Chetty, it's time for
these decorations to come down.
Christmas is over.
Finally.
- Speakin' of which,
how was your Christmas and all that?
- Oh, my wife was adamant that
we go to Mass this morning.
Dragged my hungover ass outta bed 7:30 AM
- Ooh.
- I don't know.
She's going through some kind
of religious kick, I guess.
I don't know. She's never
made me do this shit before.
- Sounds was terrible.
- It was.
- Mm.
- After all that two
hours hungover in church,
take a guess at what she
got me for Christmas.
- A dildo?
- Shirts.
- Hmm.
- You know what she got me
the year before?
- A big double-ended dildo?
- Shirts.
- Hmm.
- Bad Christmas all around.
How about you?
Your kid, the, the dog costume?
- Uh, I sucked it up. I got it for him.
I mean, his mother did pitch in half.
Fuckin' thing was so expensive.
- You bought it for him.
I thought you said there
was all this weird sex shit
attached to it.
- Maybe there is. Maybe not.
Fuck if I know.
But it's like you said, Chet.
I got one fuckin' kid.
This is what he wants to do with his life?
Fine.
It's fuckin' weird, but
what am I going to do?
Be like my old man and disown him,
never talk to him again?
How's that gonna help anybody?
I mean, so he's a little fucking weird.
Fine.
- Yeah, but Kurt, I mean you gotta,
you gotta try to explain to him
that dressing up like a dog, I mean,
it's not normal.
- Maybe it is now.
I mean, maybe we were
wrong about this thing.
Maybe these weirdos are onto
something and, you know,
in the future
maybe everybody's gonna be walking around
dressed up like cats and dogs.
- Good for you, Kurt.
I bet it was the best
Christmas of his life.
- Yeah, of course you like it.
- You know, Pat, you were actually wrong
for once last night.
- Last night? What are you talking about?
I don't remember what we
talked about five minutes ago.
Last night?
- You said that North Korea
was gonna nuke us on Christmas.
- You did.
- It's Christmas. We're still here.
- Okay, yeah.
What's your point?
- I don't know.
Maybe, uh, maybe you can't
spend your whole life
waiting for some giant invisible
anvil to fall on your head.
- Okay. I get it.
That's why you're not gonna
turn on Fox News for me anymore?
- That is exactly why. Yeah.
- Well, can you at least change this?
'Cause last I checked, Chetty,
we're not in Europe.
- Just 'cause it's Christmas.
- I cannot catch a fucking break.
How can this movie still be playing?
- You are in "Groundhog Day," Patty?
Every day you're gonna wake up
and it's gonna be Christmas still.
- Hey, you're freaking me out, Kurt.
Jesus Christ.
- Yeah.
- Hey, where the fuck is Shorty?
- I'm gonna, I'm gonna go have a smoke.
- You're smoking again, Kurt?
- Oh, save it, Chet.
You've been sucking on that robot prick
every five seconds.
Whoa, geez. All right.
- It's that time.
Gotta take a shit.
- Let me know if you need a hand, old man.
Santa's looking at his list
And he's clenching up his fist
No good boy or girl
In this whole goddamn world
And he's pulling at his beard
It's worse than he feels
He's up there at the pole
Filling up big old bags of coal
Santa's feeling like
a loser and a sucker
Santa's feeling like
a loser and a sucker
And you know those reindeers
Oh, they have to eat too
Santa doesn't want to
Have to turn those reindeers
Into
food