Drinksgiving (2016) Movie Script

So what the hell happened to you?
I got humdingered by the fucking kids outside.
Nice, wish I could've seen that.
Hey do you want a drink?
A water would be nice, yeah.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Hey do you want to come back to work?
We're short staffed.
It's actually not a really bad idea.
Could make good money again, have some fun.
Yeah, I don't have anything better to do.
That job I was gonna take, remember?
That fell through like every other fucking job
that I was gonna take.
And I can't even get pissed about it
because it's not like someone beat me to the job
they're just not fucking hiring people anymore
so now the money the money that my parents loaned me
for the house I can't pay back
and I have to break the news to them tomorrow
which means of course my mom's gonna be like,
"well you're gonna have to take the job with your dad
'cause you're obviously incapable
of getting a grownup job by yourself."
So yeah.
Actually working here sounds good.
Actually I meant tonight.
I want to get the fuck out of here.
Oh. Hell no bitch.
Thanks, thanks a lot.
I can't I actually have a party going on
at my place right now.
Oh, so that's where our usual suspects are.
Yeah, drinking at my place
and getting on my fucking nerves.
Hey I'm running late mom, I can't talk long.
Well I just wanted to see
if I could count on your help with dinner tomorrow.
Your dad has to go get grandma so he won't be much use
and you know grandma won't me much use.
I will be up late, but I will be there.
You know I could really use your help tonight.
We've been over this, you've known about this for a while.
It's the biggest party night of the year.
Aren't your friends in town to see their family?
I don't know why you have to throw a party
the night before Thanksgiving.
No because everyone's coming back into town.
You know and who knows how long
we'll be able to do this years from now.
Yeah everybody's getting older,
they're all gonna start having their own families.
One would hope.
And Kelsey's coming back into town
and I haven't seen her in forever.
I know, I know, the sister you never had.
You know this is kind of a house warming party for me too.
You know hardly anybody's seen the house.
Okay, okay-
yeah, well this is the only night I get to hang out
with my friends from out of town.
I mean who knows it might be our last Drinksgiving like ever.
That name sounds terrible.
I didn't invent it, that's just what they call it.
You should just be happy
I'm not driving around going to bars,
I'm having an adult party for grownups.
And you took Mr. Whiskers
- somewhere safe I assume?
- Oi course.
Promise me you're not gonna show up
hung-over again for dinner smelling like a brewery.
No but I know someone who will.
Oh, hey mom can I call you back, Jake's calling.
Okay, love you, bye.
You have money right?
You don't think people are expecting anything other
than like beer and wine right?
Mixers, random snacks, no, no.
I don't think anyone's expecting a big spread.
Not like we're having tomorrow.
You're still coming over right?
Yeah, of course.
Good, 'cause I just really need you to be the buffer
between me and the family this year.
Lam well aware.
And while you say you want me as a buffer
after coming out.
I'm willing to bet
this will be another lame attempt
at setting me up with Griff.
Am I right?
No that's actually gonna happen tonight.
Yeah I invited some other people too.
Uh huh.
Clean up, clean up.
What about you, you're single.
I don't see anybody trying to set you up
with every man you meet
or trying to get
you to settle down.
Are you kidding me?
If there's a doddering old antique store owner
someone's gonna try to set me up with them.
"Wait have you met my uncle?
"Oh, my god you have to meet my uncle,
he's so sweet, he so sweet."
Plus I hope to not be single for long.
Got your eye on somebody?
It's not Kyle is it?
I just, I think you can do better.
Stop it, no.
No Magnum size horseplay.
I hope nobody comes over with a hot plate
and is like "can you put this in the oven for me
and keep an eye on it?
You know just a little bit more work for you."
"Oh, my god this stuffing needs to be put in
exactly 10 minutes before you put the Turkey in,
exactly 10 minutes.
And do you have a serving spoon?
Thank you."
This is a serving spoon I will never see again,
bring your own spoon bitch.
That should've gone on the invite.
So what do we know about Kelsey's new man?
That he exists and that he'll be here.
I don't know, to be totally honest
I don't really care about this dude,
I'm just really excited to see Kelsey.
You have to at least act like you're interested in him.
Be a supportive friend like how I am.
You're right, you're right, I have to do better.
Look at you, hosting your first party in your new house.
Your mom must be proud.
That stone cold fox Jacklyn.
Ew and doubtful.
She doesn't really consider them buying me a house
to make me a grownup so.
Just take the job with your dad.
What, I wish your dad would offer me a job.
I should've kept going out with you.
- Ew.
- Oh, yeah.
Well I might have to if I can't find a job after grad school.
What do you mean, I thought you got that job?
F those guys, seriously.
Take the job with your dad.
All the more reason to make your mama happy.
You know she's still angling for me to help her tonight.
What, oh, my god what,
you didn't go over there tonight?
You're such a terrible daughter.
I know.
I can actually picture over there
like in a cashmere sweater clutching her pearls crying
and basting a Turkey with her tears.
Do not let that woman fool you
she has it all under control.
She doesn't need my help.
I need your help and we did it together.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes it's awesome.
That's terrible.
Oh, my god!
I gotta go potty, I gotta go potty.
I thought you didn't have any money?
Oh, my god.
What's up?
Some asshole keeps pranking me.
Pranking you, people still do that?
Yeah some idiot is calling me like a couple times a week
and he just hangs up.
Okay Sarah, you have a cellphone,
you can check the caller ID.
It keeps coming up as unknown.
Because I'm never gonna get an unknown number again
I'm never gonna get a job offer.
Okay, don't stress out quite yet.
Come on, come on.
Wait, wait.
Egads it's time to get dressed, okay, come on.
Will you turn on my curling iron?
I get it first.
Hey can you get that?
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
The party starts at seven right?
Yeah, you're really punctual.
Can I get you a glass of wine or I haven't opened anything.
I assume you have Riesling.
Oh, by the way I am cutting myself off after a few drinks.
I have to help my mother with dinner tomorrow.
What is this?
Oh god, she would not know what to do without me.
Plus my famous oyster stuffing is always popular so.
No I'll grab that for you.
- Okay.
- Oh yeah, you're a guest.
Oh, I bet it's warm.
I've got great ice cubes.
That's perfect.
So you look great.
Oh gosh, thank you.
I can't find my Pearl earrings anywhere
so I'm just wearing my diamonds and feel flustered.
Hey Sarah, when semen hardens do you...
You're early.
Sarah I think you have a fungus in your house.
Yeah, well.
Fun guy.
Here you go, actually I'll just keep that.
Thank you.
Sarah did you paint that dog thing up there?
I did.
It looked kinda home done.
I'll put that on the Etsy posting.
So it'll be good to see Kelsey again.
Oh, has it been a while for you?
Yeah well she told me that they would be here
after they had dinner with their parents.
God I hope more people show up.
So Kelsey's got a new man.
He seems cool, like from Facebook.
Yeah actually he's really nice.
He's certainly not somebody I would expect
to be doing, you know?
Doing, what?
You know what, I'm gonna let her tell you this one.
I'm gonna go check on the refrigerator.
What happened?
Oh, my god. I think she is the major candidate
for the vibrator of the month club.
Nothing, I walked off.
- It's fine.
- Good for you.
I so rarely see people take the high road.
Yeah, well couldn't not invite her.
Kelsey would kill me.
It's just a few hours then she'll be gone.
That's it, it's a very mature thing
for you to do Sarah Douglass.
I'm proud of you.
What if I punch her in the vagina?
That's mature right?
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, how are you?
- What's up?
Oh, not much.
- Oh, hey hi girl.
- Hey, how are you?
- Jenny you made it.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Happy Drinksgiving.
- Thank you.
- All right hey.
That's already open.
So good to see you.
Are there gonna be some hot guys here?
Yeah there's a few, some of them are gay.
Oh, hell no.
The baby's at home right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay good, thanks.
Just kidding, come on, get in here.
So good to see you.
Good to see you too, how are you?
- Alison.
- What's going on?
- Hi.
- Here's my bean dip for you.
Put your pants over there, just kidding.
Are they carrying bibles?
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Oh, that's heavy.
Hey, can I show, I want to show you something.
- What's your name?
- Greg.
Yeah you are.
Throw that in the oven for about 10 minutes for me?
Yep, Sarah 10 minutes.
Of course I will.
- Hi, I am so sorry.
- Hey.
Is the music too loud?
Too loud, not loud enough more like it.
Sarah, hey.
Thanks for having us.
Is Jake here?
That son of a bitch promised me some smoke.
Oh, this is my boyfriend.
I like him because he's experienced.
We met on Backpage.com.
You did?
My little tiger.
pretty swanky place.
Definitely worth whatever your daddy paid for it.
I'm gonna get so much dick now.
Hey, hi Aimee.
Get it girl, get it, get it,
get after it, get after it, get after it.
Yes, yes!
So rapscallion, scallywag
and pirate hooker.
Come on she's harmless.
Did you get her test results?
Hey, and don't smoke in the house.
You gonna call the cops on your own party?
Jake, Jake.
This is my spoon and I want it back.
Okay, okay.
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Hey excuse me, hey Sarah.
- How are you?
- I am so sorry.
Hi, who are you?
I'm sorry I didn't RSVP work has been crazy.
Anyway I know you got the whole potluck thing happening
and I thought about buffalo chicken dip,
everyone brings that, chips, salsa, humus, probably covered.
Then it hit me, my mom's chili recipe.
You're gonna love it, all the ingredients are right here.
That is so sweet, you did not have to do that.
That, this is so much effort.
It's not a problem, there's a crock pot in there.
Are you fucking kidding me?
What was that all about?
This fucking guy brought chili.
Yay chili.
No he brought chili ingredients.
Apparently I'm supposed to make it
which is super sweet of him.
I don't actually know who he is either.
I don't know, he's dressed nice.
He seems like a nice guy.
Your lowered expectations
are starting to get a bit terrifying.
Look okay I'm gonna help you out.
I'm actually gonna take this meat
and put it in the fridge
because I'm gonna want to eat this later
and I don't want a tapeworm.
You are on a diet.
- This is a nice house though.
- It is really nice the house.
Jeez it's amazing.
- You know it's so heavy.
- Won't be soon.
I know, true story, hold on, hold on a minute.
I got one last round.
Putting in on like armor huh?
Because it is.
That and it makes my lips look like a wet vagina.
Well you're making me nervous.
Oh, you weren't already nervous for this high school reunion?
A little bit, I'm trying not to be.
- Babe.
- Yeah?
- You'll be fine.
- Okay.
Jake. Jesus.
Oh, my god you're here, oh.
- In the flesh, I missed you.
- I missed you more.
Oh, I know.
This place is super fancy.
I know, I gotta good deal on it.
I guess.
I brought you a house warming present.
You know me so well.
Yes you're an alcoholic.
I mean that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
- Friends tell the truth.
- Such.
Sorry it took us so long to get here though.
Yeah, your ma's the slowest eater in the world.
You must be Lucas, it's nice to meet you.
Ah come on.
Sarah meet Lucas my man, Lucas, meet Sarah my best friend.
- It's a pleasure.
- Oh.
Just didn't even want to even hear that.
She's been here since seven on the dot.
No, I'm sorry.
You shouldn't be.
I just, I feel kind of bad for her.
You feel bad for her.
- Kelsey!
- Aimee.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, move, move.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Oh you look fantastic.
- Thank you, you too.
- That's not news.
- Stop.
- Hi Lucas.
- Hey Aimee.
How are you?
Oh god, hey did you ever get that thing
figured out with your neighbor?
- Yeah.
- And the trash cans.
Oh wow, good memory.
- Oh, my gosh thank you.
- How're you doing?
I'm incredible and you are so thoughtful to ask.
Sarah all of your chip bowls are without chips.
Would you like me to fill them for you?
That would be so nice of you, thank you.
Of course, I'm happy to do your job for you.
Somebody has to pick up the slack right?
I really appreciate you being nice to her.
You know the PSA of the day?
Being the bigger person is exhausting.
Stop. Seriously this bitch.
Do you mind if I get something to drink?
Yeah, I mean no, but you know what I meant so.
- This way?
- Yeah.
Kel you want anything?
I'm good right now, thanks babe.
Where did you pick him up?
Yeah no you can't have him.
Does he have a brother?
- Yes.
- Great.
- Okay, excuse me guys.
- Sure.
Oh, yeah.
Hey let me get that for you there guy.
Oh thanks man, appreciate it.
Here you go.
So you and Kelsey how long have you guys been together?
I mean you are with her right?
Yeah we're together.
How's that even work,
I mean that's so weird, how's that work?
- It works, thank you.
- Wow.
Dude what the fuck?
Sorry. Sorry.
Come here, let's all gather around.
So that guy definitely in porn, I swear that's the...
dancing on the dance floor.
Hey dude sorry about that it's like caveman
territorial bullshit after high school.
Ah that's okay, no worries I'm used to it by now.
- I think he used to be.
- Why are you used to that?
Hey there guy, can you come over here and settle...
- Chuck.
- What?
No I think it's cool.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
Thank you, we knew you were cool.
All right so we gotta...
what the fuck was that about?
Yeah it happens all the time.
I mean it's like people recognize him from the movies.
Oh, um...
Adult movies.
So you ever go limp?
Good question.
If my mind's elsewhere.
How's that even possible?
He used to do hardcore, but now it's mostly soft-core.
So wait the kind that has like,
"dear firefighter thank you so much for coming over,
I have this burning fire deep inside me
and I need your long giant hose to put it out."
So you have seen them?
Game of moans, Buns of anarchy,
the Feltcher king, Twat life.
Dude Twat life, my best performance.
But yeah some of his acting is just a smidge better.
I hope so.
Also where can I watch these?
I really like Faster pussy cat fuck Mary kill,
that was a good one.
They play that shit on a loop like nonstop.
- Oh, really?
- 24 hours a day.
Well, well, well, the party lubricant has arrived,
it is time to make this bitch wet.
Gotta a bottle of Pinot Grigio for the hostess,
it's got a cork in it so you know it hasn't been roofied.
What's up, Kels, you got a little huggie
for your bestie ex-sie?
- Shit.
- Sarah.
So we kind of adopted rob.
He is a lot like a maybe.
Hey happy Drinksgiving.
Same to you rob, you are looking...
it's a tuxedo T.
Incredibly classy.
And you are looking just as hot
as those pictures from your trip to Costa Rica.
Oh, my god you perv, you would be checking those out.
Oh, come on you put pictures of yourself up
in a bikini on Facebook and I'm gonna check it out.
Yeah I know you are.
Hey how are things at the dealership?
Oh, work fucking sucks but you know who likes there job?
A couple people.
Why you in the market for a new car?
- You know what I might be.
- Really?
You gonna give a discount to an old friend?
Well you come on down to the dealership
and your old boy rob might hook you up.
Aw thanks.
So does you and Sarah hang out a lot or what?
No honestly not nearly as much as I would like.
Did she happen to mention
if she's seeing anybody currently?
No she didn't mention anything.
- Nice, nice.
- Yeah.
- Oh my...
- What?
You're gonna go after Sarah?
I figured the statute of limitations
as far as you and I were concerned
had kind of run out so I don't know you know, maybe.
Okay, you know what, knock yourself out.
I get it, you think she's gonna say no.
We'll see.
Look I'm just an honest guy trying to find love
and need a little pussy every now and then.
I know that is exactly true.
Oh, is that your new flavor?
Yeah that's my new delicious flavor.
Huh, he seems quite popular huh?
Yeah that happens a lot.
Need me to run in there and save him from all the dorks?
No he's good but thanks.
Well I got my eye on that one, better treat you right.
Oh hey, listen, do you have any Martini glasses?
'Cause I read somewhere that the plastic
actually taints the drinks.
Yeah plastic's pretty much the devil so.
No, I'm really sorry you feel that way about plastic,
maybe you should go home.
So who brought this dip?
I wasn't really policing the potluck I'm sorry.
Well do you know if it's gluten free?
You know why don't you try it and tell me in a few hours okay?
Hey Sarah, you know I love a dip right,
but this stuff literally tastes
like a cat's butt hole, smell it.
That smells like a cat's butt hole, don't eat that honey.
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, it is extremely important
under no circumstances do you allow me to go to a taco bell.
I'm not allowed within 200 yards of a taco bell.
The last time I was there I gave the drive through girl
$200 and asked for a Burrito Supreme and a blow job.
Do I have your commitment on this?
Yes, please stop doing cocaine at my house okay?
I can't commit to that but thank you.
Yeah, okay.
Sarah do you have anything to make a Manhattan, side car,
any of those old-timey craft drinks?
And you're a pretty heavy drinker,
do you know how to make them?
I don't.
Yes I know how to make them
but I don't have anything to make them with so sorry.
And last question is this food even safe for a vegan diet?
Oh, the chips and salsa
and the vegetable tray is probably good.
I actually didn't know you were vegan.
Oh, I'm not, I eat cheese, meat.
Oh god, I can see your mind racing for a penis joke
so I'll stop you right there.
Just how bad you need one that's all.
Chuck, okay so you were talking to Lucas right
- in the other room, so...
- Yeah.
Do you think he's a good guy?
- Yeah I mean he seemed nice.
- Yeah?
- Kind of boring actually.
- Oh.
Well I mean not all of him if you know what I'm saying.
Sorry to interrupt, is there like a serving spoon
for the spinach dip or are we just supposed to put the chips
directly into the dip and eat it like that
'cause either way is fine to me.
No there's spoons in the kitchen by the drawer
but there's some plastic spoons over there too if you want.
Okay thank you.
What's going on?
No smoking in the house okay?
And I don't care what Jake says.
Well good evening to you too my lady.
Knock that shit off.
Okay no dude, if I see you with one joint
in the house you're out, okay.
This isn't a Kegger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey Joe said though
that there was some chili around here.
I'd love to get my hands on that.
Did he, well there's not.
Oh, dang.
- Smoke?
- Smoke, smoke, smoke.
No hey guys I said no.
Oh, fuck it's cold.
Sarah there you are, whatcha doing?
Is it cold in here to you?
Just find someone to warm up with
or drink some more, come on.
Seriously god, you need to relax.
You're making me nervous.
What do you have low blood sugar or something?
No, I don't know maybe.
I tried to eat something
but it's like a hot fudge of shit out there.
Did you see the cat food?
There's cat food.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
I just feel like I have to take care of everybody else
and make sure like they're good
and like they're having a good time, you know?
Like at least at the bar I'm at like a central location
so everybody just comes up to me.
And you get paid there.
Yeah, right, I'm paid to put myself through this.
You know, like, "this will be a great idea."
They said,
"have a party." They said.
Why is this a good idea, seriously why?
I'm having a good time.
Just I feel like I'm forgetting something.
You know like a nagging feeling,
you know that kind of feeling?
No, no, never, what's that like?
You're not a very helpful person are you?
Come here, sit your butt down.
Stop moving for like two seconds okay, breathe.
There you go.
Here's an idea,
go talk to Lucas.
Rescue him from his fans.
I'm working up to it.
He's like freaking celebrity.
He's just a guy Sarah.
He's just a guy.
He's just a guy who likes to...
who likes to get it on in front of the camera.
Please stop.
Making eye contact all the time.
- No.
- Oh yeah.
I don't need to know what you watch.
Don't make fun, I'm trying to be sexual right now.
Oh, honey.
There you go, you're laughing, this is good.
All right come on, time to mingle missy.
Let's mingle missy.
Oh, god.
- Come on, come on.
- No.
- Come on, come on.
- Did they find something?
Look, look, look, that tat on her shoulder's
a whole mess I can't even comprehend.
Don't be mean it's probably just her family crest,
you know a crack baby blanketed
in a strip of the finest quality bacon.
No, no the Chinese character on the other shoulder.
Oh, shit.
Oh, what do you think that means?
This is a great house.
Thanks. I like it.
It's just a little big for one person,
did you ever consider getting a condo?
You sound like my real estate agent.
"You should get a condo, you don't have to mow your lawn.
You know shared walls in case you get murdered."
You know nobody says that to a man.
You know it's like I'm a woman
so I don't deserve my own house.
I have to like find the first dude
that comes on the turnpike so that I can you know be happy.
What's wrong with being alone?
I like it.
So there were just no good condos available?
Really is quite a group of friends we have here.
That Lucas guys sure is cool.
He seems pretty cool, but,
wait did you talk to him?
Oh yeah, absolutely, for a while actually
and he has been all over the place.
You would think that being in porn
he would be kind of a dick,
but he's actually a pretty down to earth dude, cool guy,
- plus Kelsey seems happy.
- Yeah.
Great party Sarah, thanks for hosting.
Dude of course, I'm really happy you could make it.
Join me.
It's good to finally meet you.
It's nice to meet you as well, sir.
Sorry about douche face McGee there.
Ah that's okay.
I had to get meet the parents
and you know how that goes as well.
Oh yeah, how did that go?
- Good I think, I don't know.
- Yeah?
- Kinda weird.
- Yeah a little bit.
- Don't ever say...
- I will never...
So Kelsey tells me your nickname used to be Dingo.
Yes I, um...
I used to eat PB's.
Please explain.
So Kelsey and I grew up together right.
So I was obsessed with the movie Crocodile Dundee.
- Really?
- Oh yeah, no I was like,
I wanted a big knife,
I was running around with an Australian accent for a while.
Oh, yeah I was all like "good day mate" and all that shit.
So Kelsey started calling me Dingo.
She's good with nicknames.
- That's questionable.
- Yeah.
The thing was nobody else called me that
so it was just her, everybody else just pretended
I wasn't like being weird which was kind of weird.
- That's a little weird.
- Yeah a little weird.
She's a good friend though right?
I mean she's calling you on your shit, I mean...
- dude she's the best.
- Yeah.
And I miss her.
Aw I know, she misses you too, but she understands,
everybody gets busy you know living life.
Yeah but I should have still have come
and visit you guys you know.
After the holidays I can come visit you.
Yes that totally gonna happen.
Yeah, sure I mean you can but we'll probably...
- take.
- You, me, we need to talk.
So, she is up to something.
There's something that she's not telling us,
she's not her anymore.
Okay I'll get some water.
They're up to something.
Like what?
Something they're not telling us.
Okay you know what drunk Columbo
let's just go inside.
Don't put your, your hair's in my mouth.
No, no just talk to me, this is a safe space for you.
I love you.
All right Harriet the spy what is next?
Listen I normally wouldn't do this,
but I need a bathroom with a fan
'cause I got a meat baby that needs to be delivered ASAP.
If you catch my drift?
Yeah, drift is, oh my, Jesus, get in...
excuse me.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Hey Sarah.
- Hi, hi.
- Hey, hey, do you have a sec?
Yeah, what's up?
Cool, gotta little confession to make
and I'm just buzzed enough to make it so.
Dammit rob did you break something?
No, no, no, no, nothing happened, nothing bad.
It wasn't like last year
when I accidentally dropped some acid so it's cool.
I just have something on my chest that I'd like to get off.
Now you know that I love being friends with you,
it's fucking awesome and hanging out
with you and Jake has been great.
I don't know how to say this, I'm just gonna say it.
I've been wanting to take you to Pound Town for like forever.
That sounds violent.
But you know it's not like this is a new thing
or anything like that.
I mean I've been wanting to do this
way before Kelsey and I broke up.
Like way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way before that so.
That's kind of fucked up.
And it's not like you'd be getting
Kelsey's sloppy seconds or nothing,
I've been inside two or three girls since then so.
I've heard from the bartenders.
Yeah and I've been to the doctor too.
Oh, that's nice to here.
Clean report of health.
Great, wow I'm gonna,
I'm gonna say no, that's a pass.
You know why don't we just forget
that this conversation happened right?
- Yes.
- I mean we're friends,
why fuck it up with sex
- and you know like...
- Yeah like precisely.
Yeah okay.
Why don't you get back to the party
and we'll just forget that this whole thing happened
and then we can revisit it in a couple weeks
- if you feel like it.
- Probably not.
Or I can like text you about it tomorrow.
Or you could not.
Or whenever.
- Don't.
- Yeah, okay, you're the best.
You're good too yeah, all right, okay no, okay.
- Thank you for inviting me.
- You're welcome Rob.
- I love this.
- Good I'm happy you're happy.
If anyone needs a ride home tonight
you just send them my way okay?
I'll keep it in mind but probably no.
All right, want to spend the night or something.
Yeah, that's, well that's my ass crack.
Okay sorry.
- Well that went well I guess.
- Oh, shit.
Oh god, oh there it is.
There it is.
Hey you almost done in there?
Oh yeah.
Oh lord, lord have mercy.
Fuck, yeah.
Come on maintain.
So my brother was sick
and he kept stuffing tissues up his sleeve like you do
and we get shit faced,
we were like downstairs in my dad's basement bar
and Griff my brother decides
hey it'd be like a really great idea
to take a fifth of Vodka and stuff snotty tissue in it
and then light the sucker on fire.
No, no, no, there's not enough alcohol in it.
I like watered it down before the party.
I mean the little bastard would've ended up
at the hospital with alcohol poisoning.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you saved him twice then?
Yeah I did.
So where's your brother at tonight then?
I don't know he's probably still at work.
He's supposed to be by later, he's my DD.
Oh cool, that's pretty nice of him.
Yeah I mean he says he knows I'll need a ride home
but you know I know he's really coming to see Sarah.
Oh really?
Oh yeah, he's got a major crush on her.
I'm pretty sure she has a crush on him too
but like she would never admit it.
And you don't care and you two used to kind of date?
Sarah and I had a magical two weeks
of intense hand holding.
I mean I don't know what you've heard
but Griff and Sarah will make a much better couple trust me.
It's true, the worst mistake she ever made.
Hey, can I grab you for a second?
Oh, uh oh.
Are you taking me to your lair again?
- Don't you hope so?
- Again?
Oh, this is a great party Sarah seriously.
Thank you so much for hosting.
It's so much better than being at a crowded bar
and like I can wear cute shoes.
True they are very cute.
You know I should've just invited you guys over,
instead I've got 25 of my closest fucking strangers.
Well get ready to see a lot more of me.
I'm moving back.
- Dude seriously?
- Yeah.
Oh, my god, dude that's the most exciting thing ever.
Oh god, Aimee and I had like this crazy idea
that you and Lucas were gonna like...
we're gonna start a business in adult entertainment.
Wait you're fucking with me right?
Oh, no I'm not.
I mean I'm not gonna be in them.
Well you could.
But I'm not I don't think,
but anyway I'm gonna be running the business.
Okay, that's a lot to take in.
But wait there's more.
- Are you pregnant?
- Oh, fuck no.
- Okay.
- Oh Jesus, sweet baby Jesus.
I'd be there.
I would not be there.
Are you,
are you engaged little girl?
- Yes.
- Oh, my god.
Okay I know we haven't been dating for very long, I know.
It just feels like you and rob like,
you know you like just broke up.
Okay that's only to you
because to me that was a long ass time ago.
I mean seriously, no Lucas is, he's great.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, you have to trust me.
Dude, yeah I'm sorry.
Congratulations, I've, there's a lot happening,
but I'm so happy for you.
Thanks, me too.
How is all of this happening in your life
and I don't even know about it?
We didn't tell anybody about the engagement.
I wanted you to be the first to know.
And seriously you can say no,
Would you be my maid of honor?
Oh, my god. Really?
Please say yes.
I mean yes of course duh.
So it's a cause for celebration so...
- I can smoke this here yeah?
- You are the guest of honor
and you can do whatever you can do whatever you would like.
Oh, I think I'll take you up on that.
No dude, I can't do that shit anymore.
I'm like an adult.
I'm sorry have we met?
Yeah well everybody else
is apparently having a good time so.
Thank you.
You smoked like all the weed anyway.
I'm the guest of honor, you just said.
I just,
we should talk more you know?
Yeah we should,
we will, we totally will.
Just I'm such a shitty friend,
- like I don't ever call you.
- Oh, my god.
Aimee went up and saw you and I haven't even seen you yet.
Okay a. You are busy,
b. You're looking for a full time job,
c. You're finishing school.
Come on I never ever expected you to drop everything
and come up for a visit besides I could've called you.
I guess Aimee doesn't really have a lot to do anyway.
She's got here dream job at Macy's
and she's got her American doll collection.
Oh, my god. She...
those are creepy as fuck by the way.
Fine, okay they're creepy.
And the cats, she's got the cats.
Oh, actually she just has the one, the other ones died.
How are you laughing, dick.
I'm sorry, I'm just imagining her saying,
"I just got all this cat death to deal with."
Oh, my god.
You're such an ass.
- You like it.
- Dude Aimee is a nice girl.
I still want you to be
at the announcement tomorrow, some reason.
You've always loved a good asshole.
Oh, my god, seriously will come tomorrow after your folks?
Dude of course I will totally be there.
I would not miss that.
Oh shit.
Sorry folks, can't take this fucker anywhere.
Keep it together, I'm trying to get some pussy.
Oh god, is that TJ?
Jesus I haven't seen that guy in forever
and now he's got a goddamn puppet.
I literally do not remember that guy at all.
Oh, my god. Is that the guy that used to sell candy
for the Biology Club?
Do you think he has candy?
You wouldn't believe what I said after that.
I want to touch him.
Me first.
Ladies, ladies, ladies calm down.
There's enough stuffing for each of you.
Remember how he used to get concussions all the time
from playing tetherball in middle school?
I've been told my dick is just like a Turkey leg.
Or how he got busted for jerking it
in the nonfiction section of the public library?
Gotta work a little bit for the gravy.
- Well I will work it.
- Really?
Do you not have a Kathy comic to read?
Ouch, I like you.
It does not ring a bell.
Dude he used to get stuffed in his locker all the time.
I remember doing that to him.
You were such an asshole.
Yeah that's true.
- Give me something.
- Not yet, not yet.
He wanted to be here.
I am just so happy that the two of you could make it.
He tickles.
What, he's harmless.
And you got on me about inviting weirdo's?
You really have no room to talk.
He's nice.
I like nice people.
I'm sorry do you have a thing for him?
Him and that therapy doll?
I'm sorry you and your daddy issues
can take a minute to reflect upon your life choices.
I bet inside that puppet smells like a beef recall.
You wish.
You have to meet my parents.
Get your finger out.
Dude puppet, so badass.
- What?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna totally mouth fuck that puppet later.
Dude what the fuck are you doing?
There's something seriously wrong with your popsicles.
Yeah it's fucking bratwurst moron
what are you doing in my freezer?
I'll be damned.
You know these are pretty good, you got anymore?
No dude I don't, if you're hungry go home.
You live next door, you have more money than all of us.
No, no, no I can't possibly make it home,
I'm so high right now and I'm so fucking horny.
I'm high and I'm horny, it's like a double tap
to my hierarchy of needs.
Have you seen Mandy?
You know what I'm gonna find her for you
because you deserve that.
Kyle, Kyle.
You're a good person, Sarah.
Hey you got any chili?
What you have two phones?
Yeah, hello.
Hey, yeah I'll go get some burner for pranks.
- Get your weed and get out.
- Oh, let me get back to you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa hey, hey, here relax.
Dude no, don't, okay.
I'm not doing that anymore.
Right, right, that's why I can smell it on you.
So this bitch walks up to me and says...
Hey have you guys seen Jake?
Last time I saw him he was looking for some smoke.
So she walks up to me and says,
"that's no dick that's a pipe cleaner."
On the house, brother.
Not that you were gonna pay for it anyways.
Yeah I wasn't.
There's supposed to be some pretty good movies
- opening this weekend.
- Oh yeah?
Yeah that's what I heard somewhere.
I hadn't heard that man
but I don't really keep up with that stuff.
I swear to god I can't even remember
the last time I've been to the movies.
- I know right.
- Right.
Yeah, I was thinking about like heading out
on Friday or something, I don't know.
Cool man, that's a good time to go.
That's what I figured.
You know if you're not doing anything that day
you can totally come along if you want.
I won't make you buy my ticket.
I can't this weekend man my family's all in town,
a bunch of junk going on, I'm all booked up.
Oh, right.
Yeah holiday weekend, duh.
But if you want to hang out like some other weekend
totally give me a call, you know?
I know the holiday weekend it's like crazy.
Yeah man for sure.
You know I'm not looking for any kind
of serious relationship right now right?
Jesus, who is?
I don't know man,
it kinda felt like you were angling for something there.
No, no way, you've met me right?
Yes, yes I have.
I just, hey I just wanted to make that clear.
Dude, I was just saying
if you wanted to go to the movies that's it.
Cool man, cool.
I'm actually freezing my ass off out here too
so I'm gonna head back inside.
Finish that guy off by yourself.
Oh my.
- Hello.
- Hey how's it going?
I've got five large pepperoni pizzas here.
Who ordered pizza?
I did, that's me.
Well hello there.
Hi how's it going?
So how much do I owe you?
It's gonna be 42.68.
Keep the change.
Okay whatever lady.
I'm pretty sure that puts you on a sex offender registry.
Maybe he'll call me mommy.
God what is wrong with everybody, I have food.
I know where this is going.
Hey you're totally out of toilet paper.
I already went through all the cabinets and the closet.
- Great, I'll find you some.
- Great.
Oh, my god, you were right.
Kyle is not gonna work out.
Oh, okay I do want to hear about this
but can we just do this in like a little bit.
Uh huh sure, when would be a good time?
Just a little bit later okay?
I'm really not trying to blow you off.
Sure fine.
By the way mom said, "feel free to wear comfy pants tomorrow."
We're not dressing up.
God dude I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you
I'm not gonna be able to make it.
Kelsey asked me to come over and then...
uh huh, I see.
Dude don't be like that.
I'm with you every single Thanksgiving.
I can probably make it,
I just, I don't know what time...
Dude come on Kelsey's engaged,
they're announcing it tomorrow and she asked me to be there.
How nice for you.
You have me every Thanksgiving.
Oh, my god, Sarah.
Come on you knew tomorrow was gonna be weird for me.
Oh, no, no but that's cool
I'm sure Kelsey's engagement
trumps my little faggot situation.
Dammit I'm sorry I can't be everywhere all the time okay?
You could stop riding my ass.
I was really counting on you being
my moral support tomorrow and my family buffer.
Do you even remember that?
Can your brother be moral support just until I get there?
I'm sorry okay, truly I am sorry,
but if you can just cut me a little slack all right.
I'm kinda having a rough week.
Sarah, no what, what?
What now, what tiny event
are you gonna blow way out of proportion?
I don't even want to talk to you right now okay?
I will be there tomorrow like I am
for every other thing in your needy fucking life.
Hey Sarah you're gonna get toilet paper right?
It would be my goddamn pleasure
to get you some fucking toilet paper!
Does anybody else need anything while I'm out?
No, anyone?
- What the fuck.
- Hey fuck you, bitch.
So what the hell happened to you?
I got humdingered by the fucking kids outside.
Nice, wish I could've seen that.
You look like you needed a break.
Is that right?
Oh god.
Why did I ask him out?
How did I think that was gonna go?
You know I totally get it.
Back in the day...
I used to be a groupie for the spin doctors.
Uh huh.
And after a while I was
hanging out after the shows and stuff
and making the rounds...
Of the guys.
I started to realize that lam worth more than this.
So, then...
I hooked up with third eye blind.
See, there you go.
Oh, so that's where our usual suspects are.
Yeah drinking at my place
and getting on my fucking nerves.
Did you know I'm supposed
to be at everyone's house tomorrow like a superhero.
Oh super, Sarah.
So, what I'm hearing is that you have friends
that actually want to hang out with you
and parents that actually genuinely care about you.
Aw sucks to be you.
I mean,
you're right I mean,
I deserve to be in a relationship
with someone who actually wants to be with me,
who wants to hang out.
Amen brother.
You know, Sarah,
didn't have time to even give me a minute.
Just had to rush off.
Life goes by pretty quick, blink and you miss it.
But then was I really mad at her
or was I just taking it out on her
because of the whole stupid thing with Kyle?
I wasn't fair to her.
Oh hey, it takes all kinds.
I don't want to trivialize your situation
but with problems being on a scale of one to 10,
one being none at all and 10 being a shitload,
you're at like a four.
And you're kinda making it a 10 so.
You know what? I don't think water's doing the trick, shots.
- Shots.
- No, no.
Oh, no argument, no.
I'm only supposed to get toilet paper.
Okay twist my arm.
There we go.
To life, it only gets worse.
Oh, why did you give me well?
What are you gonna do?
Smile, it's Drinksgiving.
- Drinksgiving.
- Drinksgiving.
Thanks for having me over tonight.
Oh, my god.
Absolutely, love.
I mostly just get invited to orgies anymore
or you know like if a couple
wants to spice things up in the bedroom.
I gotta get back inside.
Thanks for the talk.
Steady at the wheel man.
You're a thousand times better than
the fucking spin doctors.
Oh boy.
There it is, I'm feeling it.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Are you getting this?
Yeah I'm witnessing, that's amazing.
How are you, seriously?
I'm okay, I'm better.
- Are you sure?
- I'm better than that.
Okay that does not count, that is not the baseline.
Jake attempted to hold down the fort while you were gone.
I did my best but I don't exactly run a tight ship.
- He does not.
- What's broken?
No Sarah nothings broken,
come on don't worry please, please.
You guys I'm really sorry, genuinely,
I didn't mean to get pissed at you guys
I was just pissed at the situation.
I needed to like to get out and walk and rant.
I'm gonna try to get to both of your houses tomorrow
and somehow not piss off my parents which will be...
- Well.
- Guys, guys.
Sarah what's your plan tomorrow?
Oh, a bit of chaos and insanity, the usual, the normal.
Yep, yep, yep.
Okay so here's the master plan,
what time does dinner end at your house?
Like three-ish, three-ish.
Okay so three o'clock.
Jake, Jake,
what time does dinner usually start at your house?
Well late, there's a lot of divorces in my family,
there's crazy schedules.
Well then why don't you just come over for cocktail hour?
Like you don't have to do the whole dinner,
just go in between.
Are you sure, you don't need me like at dinner?
Oh god, no it's totally fine.
So if I left your place at like six
I can come to your place at like 6:30, yeah?
Dudes we can totally do that.
There you go.
- Hooray.
- Yay.
Good job team.
Jake do you, okay, do you want to come to cocktail?
I don't know if I want to ask you that.
Do you want to come to cocktail hour?
Oh, my god. Yes!
Oh, do I want to get away from my house for a little bit?
- Yeah please, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, you can just follow me around
and be like schedule secretary.
No, no listen both of you keep your mitts off my man.
I saw him first.
What, don't bring him around if we can't...
- get your own.
- I'm gonna us shots.
- No that's not a good idea.
- Here we go shots.
No one here needs shots.
I think he does.
No, oh and speaking of no one
needing anything but perhaps some water.
Hi, oh good morning. Sunshine.
Oh, so, so pretty, this is not, no that's not happening, no.
Yep, hey let's go for a walk into the kitchen.
- Can you take pictures?
- It'll be so,
actually yes I will, come on it will be fun.
- Happy Drinksgiving.
- Happy Drinksgiving.
Oh, of course.
You're the prank caller, huh?
I should've fucking known.
You are a jerk.
The call is coming from inside the house.
You think you're really funny huh, immature turd.
Oh yeah well let's see.
Have fun with this.
I will have plenty of fun with this.
Oh wait, wait, Sarah.
Sarah seriously.
Thank you for not putting this in your cooch.
- Lucas.
- Hey fellas.
- Man good to meet you.
- I as well.
- I as well.
- Hey.
Hey I heard you were in the movies.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I heard.
He's gonna be a big star.
That's my lady friend you're messing with there good sir.
No, no, no she's going home with me
so I can get my deposit back.
Okay, okay buddy no worries.
You think you're so cool
just because you've had simulated sex
with Shannon tweed.
Hell I've had simulated sex with Shannon tweed.
That doesn't make you cool at all.
I think I'm gonna have to take you down a notch or two.
Take it easy.
Hey man, I think you need to sit down and relax okay?
Hey you, you don't get to tell me what to do.
Man I would love to beat your ass right now
but I'm not sure that Medicaid
would even cover the cost of your injuries.
Young man I don't think you really want to do this.
I know I seem like a pacifist but I have a dark side
that you do not want to tap into.
Buddy you don't even want to get into this right now.
Oh, you've just crossed the line now.
Dude, you're old.
It's late, you're creeping people out
and that is coming from me.
I think the bus to Margaritaville does leave
and all right old guy?
But I want you to say goodbye and apologize to my friend.
I'm good.
I apologize...
for my behavior
in this most recent interaction.
I hope we're good.
Yeah we're good.
I loved you in anal antiquity it was very nice.
All right.
Sarah, it was a hell of a party.
Thanks for not throwing me out.
Well technically that's what we're doing right now, it is.
Mandy, Mandy wait up.
Wait up Mandy, you promised me a handy.
I didn't hit him.
That's actually impressive.
- I'm Buddhist now so.
- You've come a long way.
Happy Drinksgiving.
Happy Drinksgiving.
Your fault.
He's gonna first.
Oh Christ.
Anybody here?
- Oh.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god, you scared me.
- Sorry.
- I was just...
- That's embarrassing.
That's okay, you were dancing and then I was kind of watching
but I didn't want to interrupt the dancing.
Yeah uh-huh.
I didn't know you sang, it was good.
- I don't.
- No?
It was good, you should sing.
Well I'm just here to get Jake.
Oh, he's still here?
I mean yeah he should be right?
Do you have water?
I'm gonna, sorry, excuse me.
Do you have water?
I'm the power man.
I really wanted to get here earlier but I went to work
and then you know went home to change
and I don't know time kinda got away from me.
It's all good, you're here now.
Thank you for helping me clean by the way.
Oh, yeah of course.
Nobody likes to wake up to a big mess right?
So the party was a success?
Success would be a strong word.
I wouldn't really call it that.
I didn't really come up with
like a success measurement rubric though so.
Oh, I have one if you need it.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
Just when I have parties I hand out like
a questionnaire afterwards.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Just like, did you enjoy the party, you know?
On like a scale of one to ten
how would you rate your party experience?
Yes, what could we have done
to enhance your party experience?
Oh that one's good, mm-hm.
Oh, here's a good one, did you get food poisoning
at our party because someone probably did.
- Oh.
- Don't smell it.
- I smelled it.
- Oh.
Soak that.
I don't know I just thought I'd have
you know like an adult party this year,
not like stodgy or buttoned up but mature.
You know avoid the shit show that you see
at the bar most of the time.
Yeah, well, you can take the people out of the bar.
Speaking of are you going to be joining us tomorrow?
Oh probably.
I'm gonna have to go to two places tomorrow
so I think I'm gonna come
to you guy's house like tomorrow night.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
All right.
Well I hope so just for my sake you know.
Wouldn't feel like Thanksgiving without you so.
So, what is this?
That, so that's chili or actually chili ingredients.
This asshole that I don't actually know
brought me stuff to make chili
and brought me a possibly working crock pot so.
Wow, okay...
Well I know what we need to do.
- With that?
- Mm-hm.
Oh, my god, that'll take all night.
No, stick it in the crock,
it'll be good by morning.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Bold plan.
I'm a bold man.
Oh, honey.
Sarah, I just wanted to,
oh, chili.
In the morning.
I just wanted to say that...
shh, we're good, we're good yeah.
Go to bed.
Woo, that was amazing.
Can we go to sleep yet?
You know you could join in.
Hang on a second, he only lasts about two minutes.