Drowning Mona (2000) Movie Script
1
Wash away my troubles
Wash away my pain
With the rain in Shambala
Wash away my sorrows
Wash away my shame
With the rain in Shambala
Ooh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ooh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Everyone is helpful
Everyone is kind
On the road to Shambala
Ugh! Shit!
Everyone is lucky
Everyone is so kind
On the road to Shambala
Ooh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ooh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I can tell my sister
About the flowers
in her eyes
On the road to Shambala
I can tell my brother
About the flowers
in his eyes
On the road to Shambala
How does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala?
Uh-huh.
I see.
Is that right?
Well, have you ever seen
Starlight Express?
Daddy, of course I have.
Well, I mean, let's face it.
It's no West Side Story.
You don't know
what kind it was?
It's a mix.
There's English,
there's Red Nose,
there's Staffordshire,
there's all kinds.
There's American.
Yeah, but she says it was
a longhaired pit bull.
There's no such thing
as a longhaired pit bull.
That's what I'm saying.
One of you guys
gonna get that?
I'm not attacking you...
No.
I'm just working this out.
Carlucci.
One second.
Feege, you got
a call on two.
Are we okay here?
Because it's just...
It's formality.
Absolutely, I just have
to do it over again.
Lieutenant Gruman
speaking.
Lieutenant?
I rented it. Rita Moreno
was so terrible.
How can you say that?
Rita Moreno was fabulous.
Well, at least she wasn't
on roller skates.
Are you making fun of me
because I like Xanadu?
What?
Lucinda just called.
Let me call you back.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
You know
Mona Dearly?
What about her?
She was proceeding
southbound on Route Nine...
When apparently,
her vehicle was involved
In a two-eleven-oh-seven.
What?
She drove
into the river.
She's dead, Wyatt.
In the summertime
When the weather is hot
You can stretch right up
and touch the sky
When the weather's right
You got women,
you got women on your mind
Have a drink have a drive
Go out and see
what you can find
If her daddy's rich
take her out for a meal
If her daddy's poor
just do what you feel
Speed along the lane
do a ton or a ton and 25
So, what happened
to your hand?
Oh, this thing?
Oh, it's nothing.
I mean, what are you
gonna do?
So, what did you say
your name was again?
Maria Lasala.
Oh, that's a nice name.
Thanks.
So, what, are you
married or something?
Maybe.
We're always happy
Life's for living
yeah that's our Philosophy
Sing along with us
de, de, de, de, de
Da de da, da, da
She's 13, man.
Yeah, finally.
I'm picking you up
tomorrow at 9:00.
For what?
What do you mean,
"for what?" for work.
Nine?
That's early.
Yeah, but it's Carlson's.
So?
It's Carlson's nursery.
Look, I heard you
the first time, Bobby.
I ain't mute.
No, I'm just saying.
Carlson's gonna make us
a lot of money.
It's gonna save the business.
I get half.
I know.
And none of that
50 percent bullshit.
That's it.
What do you think?
Should I do
the yellow apple six report,
or the yellow apple seven?
What's the difference?
The yellow apple six
involves water.
Well, Feege,
the car is submerged
in water.
What do you think?
Let's go with the yellow
apple six.
Yeah.
I think that's
a good idea, Feege.
She's dead.
Thank you,
Dr. Schwartz.
Oh, there he is.
Here they come.
So you want to tell Jeff
about his mom, or do you
think we should do it?
Yeah, that's, uh...
I mean, we'd be more
than happy to do it,
Phil.
You know, it's just
that coming from you...
It may cushion the blow.
Being that, you know,
he's your son and all.
Well, in that case,
it might be best
if one of you did it.
Oh.
Right.
Okay.
Okay.
I could do that.
Do you wanna...
I could do that.
Could you?
I could do it.
Who's gonna do it?
Jimmy's gonna do it.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'll handle it.
Okay.
I got it, Phil.
Oh.
Hey, Jeff, uh, I'm afraid
I got some, uh, bad news.
How you doing, Bobby?
Hey, where's my car?
It's a little bit more
serious than your car, Jeff.
Hey, Bob.
Would somebody mind telling me
what the hell's going on here?
It's...
I'm afraid...
Your mother
was in a car accident.
I'm afraid she's dead, Jeff.
She's dead.
What was she doing
in my car?
Hey, where you been?
Oh. Listen,
you gotta talk
to Murph.
We were going over the menu
before and I mentioned
the boneless-breasted chicken,
and he's, like,
"Boneless? You never
said you wanted boneless."
Can you believe that?
And I'm, like, "Hello.
You don't serve chicken
bones at a wedding.
"God forbid someone
chokes to death."
The thing is it'll cost
an extra five bucks a plate,
and at a hundred plates,
we're looking
at a half a grand just
to get rid of the bones.
Like we got
that kind of money.
Bobby, what's wrong?
Uh, Mona Dearly is dead.
What?
You're kidding me.
No. Yeah...
I mean, no.
No, she's dead.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
It was just a car accident...
On the road, I guess.
Well,
we've gotta celebrate.
What?
God, Ellie, Jesus!
She's a human being.
"We gotta celebrate."
Have some respect.
I don't gotta have respect
for no one in that family.
Bobby, think about
how they've treated you.
How'd they treat me?
Badly.
They're horrible people.
They're a house
full of freaks.
Hey, "Philibuster,"
check it out how fast
I'm doing this, man.
Cut it out,
would you?
But mom, I'm on a roll.
Look at it.
Cut it out,
you little shit,
or I'll kill ya!
All right.
Jeez.
Now,
about the name
of this business,
you given any
thought to it yet?
Well, I thought we should
call it, you know,
BJ Landscaping.
BJ?
I don't get it.
You know, "B" for Bobby
and "J" for Jeff, you know.
BJ Landscaping.
Well, I think JB
Has a nicer ring to it.
Besides, you don't want
anyone going around
calling you blow job
landscaping, do you?
Uh, no.
Well, then what if
we call it JP's, right?
I mean, that's good.
JP's ain't
an option, Jeffrey.
How come, "smarty two-shoes"?
'Cause his name
don't start with "P."
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
What's that, Mr. Dearly?
You say something, Phil?
You gonna contribute,
or what?
Yeah, Phil,
what do you think
about what's going on?
Well, I think that's, uh...
Whatev...
Whatever you two decide is...
All right.
Thanks, Mr. Dearly.
For what?
He didn't say jack!
Why are you
kissing his ass?
I wasn't kissing his ass...
I thought you were done
with kissing ass.
I wasn't kissing his...
Totally kissing his ass.
Kiss ass!
Look at the little kiss ass.
You disgust me,
you little kiss ass.
Get out of my sight.
She deserved it.
I bet property values go up.
So, are you gonna fire Jeff?
What? No.
Why would I want
to fire Jeff?
'Cause you been
wanting to for years.
No, I haven't.
I stopped
wanting to fire him
a long time ago.
Well,
what about him killing
the Schneider dog?
He didn't kill
the Schneider dog.
I mean, that was
an accident when he killed
the Schneider dog.
Bobby, he ran over it
with a lawn mower.
Yeah.
All right, I don't
want to talk about it
right now, okay?
The guy's mother
just drove off of a cliff.
Yeah.
Too bad Jeff
wasn't riding shotgun.
That would
have been funny.
Ever so gracefully,
the yellow Yugo,
sort of floating...
It was almost
slow-motion like...
And it did a swan dive
right into the river.
Swan dive, huh?
Well, it was tragic
and frightening,
yet beautiful
in an obtuse way.
All right, that's...
What did he say?
Clarence?
Hmm.
He said she drove
into the river.
Oh.
You know, Feege,
I was looking around
up top,
and there is something
very odd about this.
What's that?
There are no skid marks.
She never hit the brakes.
Now, we should
do some checking
to see if she suffered from
any medical conditions...
Like, uh, narcolepsy
or something.
Could have been
"barr-stein syndrome."
Yeah. Yeah.
Rash, she was a lousy driver.
It probably
caught up with her.
That's right, you knew her
pretty well, didn't you?
Well, our paths crossed
time to time.
Juliet, Echo, Papa, Hotel.
You had that little thing
with her a while back.
A bit of an altercation
between the two of you.
Let me see your hands.
Let me see your hands.
Why'd you
pull us over, Feege?
Well, let me think about that
for a second here, Mona.
"A," you're riding on rims
and "B," you just went 2800
on an officer of the law.
And "C"... What the hell's
the matter with you, Jeff?
Oh! Boy.
Ow!
Look what you did.
I didn't do nothing.
You scared him
half to death.
He's drunk.
No, he ain't!
Get out of here, you jerk!
That's okay, baby.
Everything's okay.
Mommy's here now.
Yes, okay, baby.
You're gonna pay
for this, Feege.
You just lost
your lawn service, pal.
It's a real shame, though.
Him and Bobby did...
A fabulous job
on my place.
So,
what do you think,
Lucinda?
What do I think?
I think she took a turn
for the worse...
And broke her stupid neck.
A fitting end
to a less-than-laudable life.
I'm talking
about the car.
I'll have her fixed
in no time.
Now, Lucinda...
Look, dude,
if somebody rigged it,
you'll know.
I'm counting on you,
all right?
All right. It'll cost you.
You gonna charge him double?
You know it.
You get up, you get down
You get lost
and then you get found
Sure as I'm sitting here
Sure as I'm sitting here
You get a laugh
You get a cry
You get them all
before you die
Sure as I'm sitting here
Sure as I'm sitting here
All the ladies
Hypnotize you
And all your friends
Well, they just
patronize you
Don't gotta look for God
He's just sitting here
And I think he's got a plan
But it's not too clear
Come on sit down get down
Come on sit down get down
As sure as
I'm sitting here
She's dead.
I know.
I can't believe this.
I mean, it's just...
Man, I mean...
This is it, right, Rone?
I mean...
This is it.
I don't like it, Phil.
I don't like it one bit.
What's the matter?
Look, I have
to ask you something,
and I want you to be honest.
Sure.
What?
Did you do it?
Did I do what?
Did you kill her?
How could you ask me that?
How could she ask me that?
It looks suspicious, Phil.
It was an accident.
It was a stroke of good luck.
Good luck doesn't happen
to people like us.
Good luck happens
to Madonna.
No.
Tony and Jimmy D.
Said it could have been...
Slippage on the road...
Or something.
I don't know.
Sure.
I don't know.
And in a couple of months,
they're gonna find me
floating at the bottom
of the Hudson.
Don't talk like that, baby.
Don't talk like that.
'Cause if you're down there,
I'm down there.
Uh-huh.
I'll go down
with the catfish.
Phil. Phil.
I'll go swim in the murk.
Phil.
Yeah.
Are you okay?
I'll live.
No bacteria,
honest.
I am a priest.
"A priest?" A priest.
You can't cut me off.
Padre,stow it.
You're breaking
my concentration,
for crying out loud.
Look, threats
notwithstanding, all right?
Cut the sermon and just
give me a Godamn beer!
You want me to squirt you
in front of God and everybody?
I'll do it.
Hey, Murph.
What's all this
about the chicken?
The chickens?
We got bigger
fish to fry, pal.
Get your ass over there.
Come on.
Tell me you didn't
do it, Bobby.
Do what?
Mona Dearly.
Come on, they were
killing your business, Bobby.
That whole family
was ruining your life.
No, they weren't.
They weren't ruining anything.
I didn't do it. Are you crazy?
What are you talking about?
I'm just saying there's
a lot of people that wouldn't
blame you if you did.
Come on, Murph,
Jesus Christ!
All right.
I'm just doing
the big brother thing,
you know. I'm just...
I'll back off.
Guess who got
in an altercation last night?
Who?
Valerie Antonelli.
Big talk from the big man.
Are you talking
to me, huh?
Where's Bobby Calzone
when you need him,
huh, Valerie?
So what are you
gonna friggin' do?
You gonna friggin' hit me?
Ow!
Come on, Murph.
She's a girl.
You don't let her get
slapped around like that.
What's the matter with you?
Hey, she's the one that
wanted to be a landscaper.
So sue me.
All right, listen, Murph,
so, uh...
What's up
with the whole chicken thing?
Can you help us out?
Bobby, look.
If you want somebody
to sit there,
and yank the bones
out of a hundred chickens,
it's gonna run you money.
All right, you might be...
You know, you're the best man
at the wedding, Murph.
I'm not making any money
on this wedding as it is.
You know, you're my brother.
Can't you do a...
Just do a brotherly deboning
or something?
What's the... I mean...
Okay.
How long is this
gonna go on? Huh?
I'm fronting you for your
business, I'm helping you
with your wedding.
Do you realize that last year
I declared you as a dependent
on my taxes?
Look, you know,
I'm having a hard time
at work right now.
And, uh, I'm a little bit
shorthanded with Jeff.
Well, maybe
due to the untimely
demise of Mona Dearly,
you could finally
get rid of that one-arm bandit
partner of yours.
Bobby, come on,
I can't...
I can't
take care of you
like this.
Wait...
Wait a second.
Come on. Come on. come on.
I have to close the door.
I'm not ready yet.
You're no fun at all.
You have one new message.
Hi, honey.
It's your old dad calling.
Just want to see
how your plans for
the big day are shaping up.
Uh, I thought we could
hop over to the diner
for some breakfast.
Tomorrow is no good,
but maybe Saturday.
Okay?
Say hey to Bobby.
Be good.
What do you think he wants?
I don't know.
Sounded pretty cryptic.
Something about
breakfast, Saturday.
Hard to say.
Honey, what's wrong?
Nothing.
Lazy river
where the robin's song
Awakes the bright
new morning
We can loaf along...
Hi, Jeff.
I just thought
I'd stop by and
pay my respects.
Your dad's not home,
is he?
Nope.
Oh.
I know this is
trying times
for the two of you.
You want a beer
or something?
No. No, thanks.
You don't happen to know
where he went?
Jeff, did your mother suffer
from any medical conditions
you might know of?
I think she had
a personality disorder.
Oh, a person...
Well, not necessarily
like that.
It's just there are some
aspects of this accident
that, uh, just...
Well, what, you think
someone killed her?
Yeah, well, I didn't do it.
I never said you did,
but if you were to know
if somebody had a grudge
against her,
or something like that,
you know.
Oh, yeah.
I don't want to point
any fingers and what not,
but Bobby Calzone did it.
Bobby Calzone?
I find that hard to believe.
Bobby's such a sweet kid.
He doesn't have
a violent bone in his body.
Why don't you see
how Peaches feels
about that?
Peaches?
The Schneider dog?
Yeah.
Yeah, with the lawn mower.
Oh, great job
with Peaches there, Bobby.
Oh, drop dead, asshole.
But Bobby,
that poor little dog.
"Poor little dog."
It was in the way.
Hey, you were the one
chasing after it
with the lawn mower, not me.
I wasn't chasing it.
It wasn't my fault.
It got in the way.
Yeah, well now
we lost that account.
All right, blame me.
Blame me like you blame me
for everything else.
I don't care.
Hey, you killed Peaches.
I would've fired us for that.
Oh, is that
a firsthand account?
Like you never killed a dog?
Hey, look, Bobby,
if you keep losing
our accounts,
pretty soon we'll be
out of business.
Then how're you gonna
take care of Ellen?
"Take care of Ellen."
Ellen freakin' shmellen.
Honey, I hate to see you gu...
What are you saying?
I can't hear you,
Mrs. Dearly. what?
Huh? What? Huh?
What? Shut up!
Bobby, you're hurting me.
One step closer, Jeff,
and I swear to God,
I'll tear out
your friggin' ovaries.
Don't you speak
to my boy like that.
Mrs. Dearly,
your boy has the IQ
of a garden pest.
And so do you,
you dumb wench!
Hey, Bobby,
I-I-I-I don't think that...
What? You don't think?
That's your problem, Phil,
you don't think.
You don't think!
Now, I've had it!
I can't take it anymore.
Especially you, Mona Dearly.
What's that
supposed to mean?
You know what it means!
You know what it means!
Ahh!
He said, "ovaries"?
Oh, yeah.
All the time.
And he threatened
your mom's life?
But why didn't
you report this?
'Cause everyone
threatened her life.
Ovaries.
Ovaries.
Oh, Mona Dearly
She took a turn
for the worse
You know she swam
with the fishes
You know she dug
in the dirt
Oh, why did she
have to die, die, die?
Oh, why did she
have to die, die, die?
Oh, why did she
have to de, de, de, de
De, de, de, de, de, de,
de, de, de, de die, die
Oh, Mona Dearly
Catchy.
Hey.
That was nice.
Oh, thanks.
How's that daughter
of yours?
Oh, she's great.
Thanks for asking.
Yeah? Wedding plans
going smooth?
Like silk on glass.
All right, I want you
to take a look under here.
Okay, if somebody were
to sabotage the brakes...
"If"?
If. It's a conditional
clause. If.
Like I was saying,
if somebody were
to sabotage the brakes,
he's got two options.
He can be smart
and puncture a hole
in the brake fluid tank,
or he can be a total freak
and cut all four
of the brake lines.
I'll show you.
These here
are brake lines.
There, there.
They've all been cut.
A total freak.
That rules out...
An accident.
Hey, hey, slow down, pal.
We're just getting
started here.
All right, now.
You know what this is.
Lucinda, I don't know
shit about cars.
That's the brake fluid tank.
What's that hole?
That's a hole.
So, I figure
the perp...
Used some kind
of sharp instrument...
A screwdriver,
an awl, what have you...
Took it and drove it
through the tank
with a hammer.
Just, "Bam. Bam."
Now, see this?
This here?
Fetzer valve.
I'm not familiar
with the fetzer valve.
Nor should you be.
It serves no purpose
whatsoever.
So what's the problem?
Somebody poked
a hole in that too.
Is that bad?
This car was
done to death.
Done to death?
Uh-huh,
fixed to kill.
Fixed to kill.
This was no accident.
"Sorry to bother you.
I just wanted to express
my sorrow...
"Over the loss
of your tragic...
"Hi, Jeff, Phil.
Really sorry
to bother you...
"Hi. Sorry to bother you.
Listen, I just want
to express my sorrow...
"...over the loss of..."
Hey, Mr. Dearly.
I just wanted to, uh,
express my... Sorrow...
...over the loss
of your tragic loved one.
My loved one, hmm.
Your wife passed.
Oh, yeah?
Who'd she pass?
Hey, what
do you want?
Well, Bobby came by
to express his loss
over our sorry loved one.
You know,
I ain't working
today.
Oh, no.
You shouldn't work.
You sh...
You're definitely on a le...
A grievance leave,
and I'm just coming by
to say that I'm really sorry.
Yeah, that's great
if that's what you want
to tell yourself.
Hey, listen, if you asked me,
he sounds real broken up
about it.
I mean, look at him.
Yeah, no kidding.
All right, so, uh...
Hey, listen, Bob,
if you're tormented by this,
you should definitely
come by Cubby's funeral
home tonight and have
a full release.
Yeah, yeah.
We're having one of them
"wake and bake" services.
Okay, yeah, sure.
I'll come by Cubby's.
Yeah, you do that,
you little kiss ass.
Yeah,
you make sure you wear
them kiss ass shoes too.
And that landscaping
kiss ass t-shirt.
I'll mow your lawn,
I'll trim your hedges...
BOTH:
...and I'll kiss your ass.
There he goes.
Look at him.
Yep, yep.
A little hesitation
before the kiss.
Careful, oh.
Don't kiss the dog's ass.
All he talks about is how much
the wedding's gonna cost
and how Jeff's ruining JB's.
I'm worried about him, dad.
It's like he's obsessed.
Well, I'll talk to him.
See if I can help.
No, it's all right.
You've already done enough.
You know...
This is gonna sound terrible,
but with Mrs. Dearly dying,
this is the first break
he's caught in a while.
Hey, folks.
Hey, Rone.
So, shame about
Mona Dearly, huh?
So young. Tragic.
It's taken everybody
by surprise.
Yeah, poor family.
So, what can I get you?
I'll have the usual.
And a cup of joe.
And you, hon?
You want the heart attack
special just like your daddy?
The vegetarian plate.
Back in a jiff.
A box of frigging meat
for our wedding gift
like I'm registered at a deli.
Hey, what do you think
about Ice Castles
for our spotlight dance?
Can't go wrong
with Ice Castles.
That's what I was thinking.
So, it looks like there's
gonna be an investigation
into this thing.
I just...
I have to tell you that
this wedding of yours
is all anybody in this
town is talking about.
And the fact that
you two even considered
having me there...
Well, forget about it.
Yeah, well, me and Bobby
really want you there, Rone.
Oh, I just want you to know
it moved me... Down deep.
Really.
It moved me.
Good, good.
Enjoy your meal.
So, where was I?
You said you were
gonna investigate.
Right. What I was
thinking was, uh...
Goddamnit, don't give me
that shit, Phil.
I'm not overreacting.
He was there.
He was talking to Ellen.
Oh, come on,
sweet nipple.
Don't "sweet nipple" me, Phil.
But we got nothing
to do with it, honey.
I'm dumping
her stuff right now.
What does that have to do
with anything, Phil?
Do you know why
our prisons are so crowded?
I don't know.
Too many criminals?
Wrongful imprisonment, Phil.
Erroneous convictions.
11% of all inmates
currently serving time
are counterfactually
incarcerated for crimes
uncommitted.
Did you ever see Tom Selleck
inAn Innocent Man?
Oh, yeah, was that
with Kurt Russell?
Phil, look. Rash is
asking a lot of questions
about all of you.
And I don't like one bit
what he's insinuating,
not one bit.
Relax, Vanna.
He's just doing his...
Hi, Phil.
Oh, shit.
Rash is here.
What?
I gotta go.
Hey, chief.
Hey, Phil. I hope I didn't
catch you at a bad time.
Oh, no.
I was just getting
ready for Mona's wake.
How you doing?
I'm fine.
That's a really nice picture
of the two of you.
I can't tell you
how sorry I am about Mona.
She was a passionate...
And committed woman.
Now, this is probably
the exact wrong time
to ask you...
No, hey, whatever
I can do to help.
I mean, hey,
you know me,
I'm a team player.
Well, I need to ask you
a couple of questions
about your wife.
Oh, yeah?
What about her?
Phil.
Phil, sweetie,
you got a minute for me?
Phil.
Honey, they're
looking for the shooter.
Get in here, Phil.
You should have
seen this guy takin'
potshots in his skivvies.
He looked a lot
like Father Tom.
Yes, dear?
Where were you
this afternoon?
Wh-what?
Where the hell were you?
I called the warehouse.
You were MIA.
Are you sure you
had the right number?
Oh, boy.
Who is she, Phil?
Uh, who's who?
What's her name?
Uh, sweetness...
Oh, Jesus, honey,
you could've hurt
somebody with that.
I don't wanna hurt
someone, Phil.
I wanna hurt you.
What's gotten into you?
You.
You don't find me
attractive no more!
Of course I don't... Do.
You got something going on,
don't you, Phil?
Don't you?
You been playing
Wheel of Fortune
with someone else.
Ooh.
Don't tell anyone,
but, uh...
I was a battered husband.
Phil, that was
the Wednesday night
prior to the accident?
That's right.
And at no point
during the evening
did you leave the house?
No, I was watching TV
the entire evening.
And what about Jeff?
Well, him and Mona had
a fight earlier that night.
Oh. Do you recall
what was said?
Yeah, he said she was
an embarrassment to
the family and then took off.
Oh, the kid was lit up
like a damn Christmas tree.
I've never seen him so drunk.
Hi, Bob.
Ye-yes.
Bob.
I was talking to Ellen
earlier and, uh,
she told me you were worried
about your finances,
and I just...
You know, you and I
are practically family now.
You shouldn't have
to bear that burden alone.
If ever you want to talk,
or get something
off your chest...
Well, I appreciate that.
Just imagine
that you're Annie
and I'm "Daddy" Warbucks.
"Daddy" Warbucks.
Yeah.
Or I'm Auntie Mame
and you're little Patrick.
Huh?
Well.
Now, tell me something, Bob.
What did you think
about Mona Dearly?
Mona?
She was, uh...
She was the worst person
that I ever knew,
I guess, in my entire life.
Hey, how are you doing,
Mrs. Dearly?
I just came
to give Jeff his pay.
How come
you're all dolled up?
I'm taking Ellie
to dinner theater.
Come on, come on.
What you gonna see?
Oh, Calcutta.
Come on, what you doing?
Get over here.
Give me my money.
Yo, what is this?
Trying to tell me this is
what I busted my anus for?
For 287.50?
It's always 287.50.
Mom, he's totally
trying to rip me off.
You holding out on us,
Calzone?
Where's the rest, ya dick?
Looks to me
like he's wearing it.
Yeah, nice shoes.
This is a joke, right?
You're a joke.
You guys
are kidding, right?
Kidding?
You feel like laughing?
Laugh at this.
Hey.
Yeah, kick his ass, mom.
You're paying
for that headlight.
Hey, what are you doing?
Get out of there.
You'll pay for that headlight.
Take it out
of Jeffrey's pay.
Yeah.
Let go!
What are you doing?
God! This is...
I mean, enough is enough.
All I ever wanted was...
A nice professional business
so Ellie and I
could have a-a...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what this is?
This is the world's
smallest tambourine.
And it's... And it's playing
some sort of song
or something.
Shut up! Shut up!
That's a violin,
you asshole.
Give me that thing.
Give me that.
I think it's time we...
We started talking about
dissolving the business.
I mean, it's nothing personal.
It's a business decision.
No way.
Don't even think
about it, scumbag.
As I see it,
you got two options.
Buy us out,
or pray for an early death.
Go enjoy
your dinner theater.
But, I mean, you know,
she probably had
her good points too.
Well, most people
have two sides.
Well, she just
showed me the one.
That Jeff Dearly, man.
What about him?
You gotta
hand it to him.
Hey, Jeff,
what's your handle?
Hey, Jeff.
Hands up.
Hey, speaking of which,
guess what I heard.
That's not
a logging accident.
What's the difference?
What's the difference?
Why, what
did you hear?
What about that
fishing accident?
Are you serious?
See?
Wow.
It's a terrible loss.
It's a terrible loss.
What a void in my life!
Okay, all right.
Father Tom,
it has been difficult.
Father Tom,
it has been difficult.
It's been really hard.
Hey, Jeff, come on.
We don't want to miss this.
Let's go.
Yeah, right.
Well I never been to Spain
But I kind of like the music
Say the ladies
are insane there
And they sure know
how to use it
They don't abuse it
Never gonna lose it
I can't refuse it
Well I never
been to England...
What's wrong?
Nothing.
What did your dad
want to see you about?
Nothing. He just
asked me some questions
about Mrs. Dearly.
What about her?
What kind of questions?
Just about the accident.
What does he think?
He doesn't think anything.
Really?
I mean, you'd tell me
if he said anything?
For Christ's sake, Bobby!
All right, I'm sorry.
I don't... I don't care.
I don't know
why I'm asking you.
I just...
With Jeff not at work,
you know, I'm shorthanded.
I'm just...
Really tired.
What did you want
to talk to me about?
Forget about it.
Do you imagine the Dearlys
were like us when
they were our age?
Uh.
No, she was always fat.
Yo, what time is it?
Uh, 8:30.
Jesus! I'm dyin' over here.
Keep in mind,
we're remembering
a lifetime.
Yeah, all right.
Ten more minutes then.
Aw, to hell with it.
Let's go.
Hey, Cubby.
Me and Jeff don't think
there's much point
hanging out.
In...
In my experience,
wakes aren't
very well attended.
I've found that often times...
The tragedy is
so recent that...
That loved ones are...
In effect paralyzed...
By their grief.
Hey, hey, listen.
Who are we kidding, huh?
No one's gonna come.
Not with the game on.
Oh, shit.
I got money on that game.
Yeah, you and
everyone's mother.
Hey. I thought
you were coming by.
Yeah, you know...
Yeah. Hey, Jeff.
Yeah, hey, Rone.
Yeah, you know I can't say
your mom was good people.
Hey, are those pies
fresh over there?
No.
Hey, Phil.
Hey, Feege.
Shame about Mona.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you snooze, you lose.
Hey, guys, how you doing?
All right? Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
Yo, can we
sit down already?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just take that booth
over there.
Thanks, babe.
What?
Good evening,
friends.
Oh, Jesus, Cubby!
Hey.
You've got a...
You've got a...
You've got
nice pictures in here.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Yeah. Where is everyone?
Jeff and Phil
are at the palace
getting some grub,
Ah.
but if you care
to look at the deceased...
Sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
She looks so peaceful.
In death
one finds serenity.
I guess.
Beautiful.
Dynamite stuff.
That's fantastic.
Hey, Wyatt.
Hey, Cubby.
Some turnout.
Yeah.
So, who showed up?
Uh.
Jeff. Phil.
Bobby and Ellen...
Stopped by
about an hour ago.
Otherwise,
it's just been me
and my dinner date.
Tell me something, Cubby.
You notice
anything odd lately?
You mean other than the fact
that no one seems to care
about this woman's death?
Along those lines.
Hell, Wyatt,
I've seen people more
upset over losing change
in a candy machine.
Who says you can't catch
nothing in the river?
You know,
Feege is right.
Of course I'm right.
We should show
a little respect.
Jeff, why don't
you say a word?
Jeff.
Huh?
Jeff, why don't
you say a word?
About what?
About your mother.
All right.
To mom.
And yeah, she was
kind of mean,
but she was still
my mom.
Someone had to be.
MURPH: All right, everybody.
Let's hear a nice round
of applause...
...for our final contestant,
Mona Dearly.
All right, nice grouping.
Nice grouping.
Hey, everybody.
Give her another
round of applause.
Now we're awaiting
the judges' decision.
The judges are deciding...
...who will win the coveted...
"Golden angel."
The winner...
Of the Verplanck's
knife-throwing contest is...
Bobby Calzone!
Oh, my God!
I never win anything.
MURPH: I know.
Just a Goddamn minute.
You didn't vote for me.
Well, sort of...
What do you mean, "sort of"?
They all say, "Bobby."
Really?
Phil, you're my husband.
You're supposed
to support me.
Yeah, but Bobby had
really good form though, hon.
Thanks, Mr. Dearly.
You're welcome, Bobby.
Mona, we're just having
a little fun here.
"Fun."
I lost, Wyatt.
I'm a loser.
Does that sound
like fun to you?
Well, Mona,
I'm sorry that you lost,
but...
Yeah, it's just
a lousy little contest.
I know.
Everybody can't be
a winner, Mona.
But I've never been a winner.
I've never had my chance.
You're blowing this
out of proportion.
It's just
a knife-throwing contest.
Yeah, to you maybe.
But not to me.
I really wanted this.
Just for one day...
One day... To be a winner.
To have everybody
look at me and say,
"Yo, way to go, Mona."
Would it have killed you
to let me take home
that prize? Huh? Huh?
Just for one day
to let me feel good
about myself?
I don't know what to say.
Mrs. Dearly.
You can have the trophy.
I'm gonna have
a second chance.
Why don't you take
that trophy and shove it
right up your ass, Calzone?
Mona, Bobby's just
trying to help.
I don't need his sympathy.
You know, my mother
used to say...
If life gives you potatoes,
make potato salad.
Well, life handed me
a whole pile of shit.
What am I supposed
to make out of that?
Shit salad?
Just shut up.
The whole pack of youse,
just shut up.
...and it won't be
the last one.
Feege.
Shh.
Feege.
Come here.
Look, I've
been thinking.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't. Don't.
Listen to me.
Just listen to me.
Jeff Dearly's key chain
is on a rack in his kitchen.
Great. Wonderful.
But where is it
supposed to be?
I have no idea.
Why don't you tell me?
Hanging from the ignition
of the victim's car.
Well, what about Mona's keys?
That's what I'm saying.
Mona's keys are on Jeff's
key ring in the kitchen.
Jeff's keys are on Mona's
key chain in the car.
So, what, somebody
switched their keys?
Definitely.
No, no.
I don't think so.
Oh, you don't think so?
Wyatt, Wyatt,
as far as I'm concerned,
ding, dong, the witch is dead.
End of story.
Eh, one less
ain't gonna kill her.
It's kind of weird, you know,
seeing the tombstone and all.
"Demoted wife,
mother and dressmaker."
I didn't know your mom
was a dressmaker.
Me neither.
Guess what.
They're calling
Mona's accident a case.
Ow.
Which means
they don't think she died
because of some slippery road.
So?
So that means
there's an investigation.
It means they have leads.
Phil, I watch A&E.
I understand the way
a cop's mind works.
See, they see you standin'
here and touchin' me...
And the next thing you know,
there's the background check
and the profile and
the psychological workup.
I just came for lunch.
Phil, these are
smart guys.
These are really,
really smart guys.
They have tools.
Tools?
Yeah, of the trade.
So, what are you
trying to say?
Just stop being
so damn conspicuous,
would you please?
Okay.
Good.
I'll see you later
at the charm.
Yeah.
Stop it!
I've been a bad boy
I've been a bad boy
Ah ha
I've been a bad boy but
I don't mean that your mine
Some folks drink whiskey
Some folks drink gin...
Want something?
Light beer, please.
Hey, Bobby.
So, Chief Rash has been
snooping around a bit.
What do you think
he's looking for?
Hard to say, Phil.
What do you think?
Been getting
much sleep lately, Bob?
Yep.
Any nightmares
or bad dreams?
No.
Listen, there's
a lot of talk going on.
You know, the kind
where things get said,
fingers get pointed,
landscapers
get incarcerated...
Hold on a minute.
Before you say anything,
I want to say
something to you.
You did the greatest favor
anybody's ever done for me.
I just came by
to say thank you.
Thank you, Bob.
Would you like a beer?
I'll have one.
Can I have a beer,
please?
Cheers.
Fingers get pointed.
Fingers get pointed.
Landscapers get incarcerated.
Landscapers...
Look at the little kiss ass.
Peaches.
Get out of my sight.
Peaches.
Pray for an early death.
Don't...
Laugh at this.
Ah.
Bobby, he ran
over it with a lawn mower.
...a lawn mower, a lawn mower.
Peaches! Don't do that!
Don't! No!
No! Peaches!
What's the matter
with you?
What are you
doing here?
Listen,
I was trying to tell you
something last night and...
What? Wait.
It was a mistake.
I mean, she wasn't
supposed to die.
Excuse me?
I don't know what
happened to me. I just...
They were driving me crazy.
Every single day
they were haranguing me
and I...
What are you talking about?
I just snapped.
I thought I was killing Jeff.
I tried to puncture the...
Just, I didn't know
I was puncturing things.
But I thought it was Jeff's.
I didn't know...
What did you do that for?
You killed Mona Dearly.
I know.
But why?
Because.
I thought I was killing Jeff.
Bobby, my dad is
the chief of police!
I know,
but I wasn't gonna
go through with it.
It doesn't matter.
You killed someone!
I know, but I was
doing it for us.
Jeff was killing
the business,
and Mona wasn't
gonna let me out
of the partnership, so I...
Well, it seemed like
a good idea at the time.
A good idea
at the time?
Cut the grass at 6:00,
lay sod at 7:00,
drown the Dearlys at 8:00?
But I was doing it for us.
It was for us.
It was for our perfect life
'cause everything
that we wanted...
Well, that's just great.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, well,
I'm pregnant.
What?
You're pregnant?
Mm-hmm.
It's mine?
Mmm-hmm.
That's fantastic.
Yeah, I thought so too
until about a minute ago.
Oh, man.
I can't believe this.
I mean, how could you, Bobby?
We're not killers,
we're good people.
I wasn't gonna
go through with...
But you're not even supposed
to get to that place.
You're supposed to have
that thing that goes off
in your head that says,
"Bad fucking idea, Bobby!"
I have that thing. I have it.
It just didn't go off.
I'm sorry. Please.
Please, I love you.
I'm so sorry.
Man, I can't believe
you killed someone!
Where are you going?
Home.
We need milk.
Hey, chief.
Please come in.
Thanks, Phil.
Have a seat.
Thanks for coming by,
chief.
What's on your mind, Phil?
Well,
it sure seems clear to me
that my Mona was a victim
of an act of treachery,
and there's no doubt
in my mind that
she's been murdered.
What makes you so sure?
I saw it happen.
You saw it happen?
Now granted, this ain't
easy for me to say,
and it's something
I should've said before.
You've been playing
Wheel of Fortune
with someone else!
I would've told you before,
but when family's involved,
you know, I mean,
things can get
a little dicey.
Hmm.
Well, I appreciate
your discretion.
Phil, what can you tell me
about Rona Mace?
Rona?
Mace. Yeah.
Oh, well, that's, uh...
She's, uh...
She's a good friend
who's been real supportive
since the tragedy.
Was she supportive
prior to the tragedy?
Hey, chief, I've, uh...
You know, I may not
have been happily married,
but I did take an oath.
It's the weekend
And I know that you're free
So put on your jeans
and come on out with me
The usual, madam?
If you'd be so kind.
I need to see you
come to me
I need to have you
near me
Good luck
on your free spin.
You and me
On my motorbike ridin'
In the sun and the wind
and the rain
I got money in my pocket
Got a tiger in my tank
And I'm king of the road
again
I'll meet ya
In the usual place...
I'm a wheel watcher
I'm a wheel watcher
Hoo! I want it, baby.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on.
Free spin, honey.
Free spin.
I'm a wheel watcher
Oh, please.
Will you just cut the shit
and get down to business?
Okay, okay.
Can I buy a vowel?
You know what, Phil?
I've really been a good
sport about all of this.
I really have.
I've really tried
to do what you want.
You wanted to buy an "O,"
so I let you buy a vowel.
I did.
Because you wanted
to buy a vowel.
So I let you buy an "O".
But that wasn't good enough.
You had to have the free spin.
You wanted to have the,
you know, trip to Acapulco.
Well, you know what?
You landed on bankrupt, buddy.
But I wanna solve
your puzzle.
Please. Please, Phil.
I beg you.
Please tell me that I didn't
spend all this time with you
to end up like this.
Don't do this!
I'm a 33-year-old waitress...
At a friggin' diner
that doesn't
encourage tipping.
Thirty-three?
What the hell
are you doing here?
Uh, well, that's, uh...
Well, you know,
me and Rona here...
Phil, Jesus Christ.
Be a man.
Jeff, whatever you think
is happening in here
is happening.
You're cheating on mom?
Mom's dead, son.
Oh, but baby, how could
you do this to me?
Uh, e-excuse me.
Did you just say "baby"?
Keep it down over there!
I'm paying by the hour!
Hey, you shut up!
People!
Please!
Have some respect!
What is the matter
with you?
You're gonna get your...
You're a dead man,
Dearly.
I gotta get the hell
out of this joint.
Hey, what's this?
Oh. I thought we'd
celebrate the baby,
but I'm not really
in the mood right now.
Who's that?
What am I,
Dionne Warwick?
Hang on!
Dad!
Hi.
Hi! What are you
doing here? Hi!
Good to see you.
How you doing,
Mr. Rash?
Bob. What's that?
Oh! Uh...
You might want
to sit down for this.
We're pregnant.
Congratulations, grandpa.
Oh. Oh, honey.
That's just...
That's great.
Thank you.
I know
it's sooner...
Than we thought,
but we're in love, dad.
Starting a family's
all we've ever wanted.
It is.
I love you, baby.
I love you too.
Come on, dad.
Have a drink with us.
So, how's the...
Police force coming?
Going?
I understand you don't
cut the Schneiders'
lawn anymore.
No, Sir.
Not since Jeff
killed Peaches.
Jeff killed Peaches?
I thought it was
the other way around.
That Peaches killed Jeff?
No, that you killed Peaches.
Me? I loved Peaches.
Poor Peaches.
I can't believe you did that!
It was in the way,
all right?
You were chasing after it
with the lawn mower.
Like you never killed a dog.
And now we lost that account.
That's right, blame me...
Just like you blame me
for everything else.
Look, Jeff,
if you keep losing
the accounts, we're not
gonna have a business.
And then how am I gonna
take care of Ellen?
Are you trying
to screw up Jeffrey's
business?
Huh? Huh?
Mrs. Dearly,
you're hurting my neck.
What are you doin'?
Don't touch my mom!
What do you think you're doing
touching my mom?
What, are you nuts?
You tore my overalls!
Hey, hey, Jeff,
I don't think that's a...
That's just
your problem, Phil.
You don't think!
I've had it with you, Calzone!
What's that supposed to mean?
You'll see.
Trust me, buddy. You'll see.
And... You said "overalls"?
Yeah.
Hmm.
I need to know
one more thing, Bobby.
I need to know where you were
Wednesday night.
Uh, at The Hideaway.
Are you sure?
Yeah. I'm at The Hideaway
every night.
Well, I mean,
not-not every night, but...
Well...
Yeah, I'm-I'm there
every night, so...
So, yeah, I was there.
Hi, Valerie.
Got a flat?
You need a hand?
Hey, how ya doin',
Mr. Rash?
Oh, that's some shiner
you got there.
Oh, no, it's nothing.
Well, it's not nothing.
I got clocked in the eye
Wednesday night
at The Hideaway.
Wednesday night?
That's...
Ellie never
mentioned anything.
I don't think
she knows about it.
Her and Bobby weren't there.
So what happened here?
I was just driving
when all of a sudden
the tire blew out.
Pulled off the flat
and I found this.
Where do you suppose
that came from?
"JB Landscaping."
She was a lousy driver.
It probably caught up
with her.
I was a battered husband.
This car was
done to death.
Ding, dong
and the witch is dead...
End of story.
I would have told you before,
but when family's involved,
you know, things
can get a little dicey.
I don't think she knows
about it. Her and Bobby
weren't there.
I'm at The Hideaway
every night.
Bobby Calzone did it.
...fixed to kill.
Look, Jeff, I am sorry
if I hurt your feelings
and everything.
It's just, I don't know,
I kind of thought that if
your dad and I got married,
you know, maybe
the three of us could...
What, live together...
So you could bang
the both of us?
Well, sort of.
Look, Rona, I can't do this.
I been going crazy all day
just thinking about you
and that freak Phil.
Look, if you're worried
about me and Phil
getting married,
you know, forget about it,
'cause it ain't gonna
happen.
Well, then,
why don't you marry me?
Come on, Jeff.
I mean, come on.
Be serious.
I'm totally serious.
Look, I know I don't
got no ring or nothin',
Rone, but...
But I love you,
you know, and like,
like, I always loved you.
And, well, you know,
if I lived a life
without you,
it just wouldn't be
a life worth living.
Come on, Rone.
Can we play
Wheel of Fortunenow?
Gimme that, gimme that
gimme, gimme, gimme that
Gimme that thing, gimme that
gimme, gimme that
Gimme that thing, gimme that
gimme, gimme that
Gimme, gimme, gimme
that thing
No. Stop.
Oh, gimme that, gimme that,
gimme, gimme, gimme that
Stop!
Stop. Phil!
Gimme that thing, gimme that
gimme, gimme that
Phil! Phil!
Gimme that thing, gimme that
gimme, gimme that
Ooh, Phil!
Gimme, gimme
gimme that thing
Where you going?
I can't sleep.
Go back to bed.
Okay.
Hey.
Don't kill anyone,
honey.
Okay.
Murph. Murph.
Excuse me, Murph.
Murph!
Give your daddy
some sugar.
It's Bobby.
Murph! Wake up.
Cuddles?
No. It's Bobby.
I know that you think
I killed Mona, all right?
But the truth of the matter
is that I might have
done something...
That, uh...
Murph.
Murph.
Hey. Hey.
Murph!
I touched her once!
One time. That's it.
Listen. Hey.
I need you to do me a favor.
Can you cover for me?
Hey.
Yeah, I'll cover for you.
Hey. How you doin', Murph?
MURPH:
Hey, chief. How ya doin'?
Good. I'm fine.
Murph, I wanted
to ask you...
A couple questions
about Bobby.
Uh, I ran into Valerie,
and, uh, she had the black eye
thing going there.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you know, chief,
it's terrible times
we're living in...
When a gal can't even
go get a beer...
Without getting clocked
in the eye, you know?
Yeah and she said
that if Bobby was here
the other night,
he would have kept her
from getting beat up.
So he wasn't here,
is that it?
No, no. Bobby?
Bobby was here.
No, he was here.
He was here.
He was, uh...
Picked a hell of a time
to go to the bathroom!
What's the matter?
What?
Nothing's the matter.
Drowning.
Terrible way to go.
Yeah. Yeah.
Rather take a bullet
in the head.
Sure.
Rather get thrown
right off a skyscraper.
Yeah. Thrown in front
of a truck, or...
I had a dog drown on me once.
No kidding.
She couldn't paddle.
You think they can
all paddle, but...
We're gonna have to go
in now, you know.
Yeah.
Oh. Oh.
Chief. Yeah.
Oh. Well, get him out.
What are you
standing around for?
We were just trying...
...to preserve the integrity
of the crime scene.
Forensic disturbance of the...
It's water. Get him out.
Right. Right.
Okay. Okay.
We're going in.
Here we go.
Go on.
Here we go.
Let's go.
All right.
Here we go.
Okay. And up!
One more.
And up.
Up. Up.
Yeah.
This used to be such
a nice, quiet town.
He was
a battered husband.
Yeah.
I'll be right back.
Okay, chief.
All right.
Don't go anywhere.
Who found him?
Hi, Clarence.
I see you took a little dip
in the water, huh?
Every once in a while,
a fella's gotta
cool himself off.
Mmm.
Yeah.
So you want to tell me
what happened?
Hi, Murph.
How you doin',
Ellie?
Not bad.
Guess who's
a bad swimmer.
Hmm?
Guess who sleeps
with the fishes.
What do you mean?
Phil Dearly wound up
on the wrong end
of the proverbial beverage.
Murph, speak English
for Christ sakes.
What happened to Phil?
They found him this morning,
dead in the water...
So to speak.
Ellie!
Ellie!
Where's my dad?
What's the matter?
What's going on,
honey?
Where's my daddy?
Calm down. Slow down.
Take a deep breath.
What's going on?
I just found out.
Murph told me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
okay.
No, no. I can't.
Bobby's a murderer!
Not today. No.
Not tomorrow. I can't.
No. I can't do it.
Yeah.
You got problems, dude.
Huh?
Look, I covered for you
long enough.
Come on, man.
The bodies are starting
to pile up.
Bodies are piling up?
Get in the car.
Get...
Okay.
Hey, Murph. How you doing?
A shitload better
than your dad.
What happened
to his dad?
MURPH: What are
you turning into?
Whose body is it?
A serial killer
on me?
Have you seen Ellen?
Mmm-mmm.
No? Rona.
Don't go anywhere
because you and I need
to have a little dialogue.
Where you going?
I'm getting the hell
out of here.
Listen. If Phil calls,
you don't know where I am.
Oh. Didn't I tell you?
Tell me what?
Phil's dead, honey.
Phil's dead?
Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, I...
I told somebody.
We're getting married
Sunday.
It's gonna be okay,
sweetie.
Try to breathe.
Okay. I gotta go.
The closer we get
to the wedding,
the more people he murders.
I mean,
what's up with that?
Like, I've heard of cold feet,
but Jesus, Lucinda,
I can't marry a murderer.
That's not who I am.
That's not what I'm about.
Shh.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, I really appreciate
you doing this.
That's what friends
are for.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah. It's okay.
Everyone says
weddings are stressful.
Ellie.
I just...
I didn't see it coming.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Maybe we should have
eloped,
or maybe I pushed him
too hard with the boneless
breast of chicken and all.
Sweetie, don't do this
to yourself.
The thing is,
if he really did kill anyone,
it's just 'cause he loves me.
I'm not saying it's okay.
It's just, that's how
committed he is, you know?
To the relationship.
Sweetheart, there are
other ways to show you care.
I know.
I know. I just...
I love him so much, dad.
I know you do.
I'm gonna sort
this whole mess out.
All right?
Okay.
Was mom like this
before you guys
got married?
That was a little different.
How's that?
Well, no one died then, honey.
Right.
Dad?
Yeah, baby?
You're not gonna tell him
about Lucinda, are you?
Of course not.
Besides,
I experimented a bit
when I was your age too.
Hi, Jeff.
Hey, Rona, what are you doing?
What does it look like
I'm doing, Jeff?
I'm getting
the hell out of here.
You want to give me a hand?
Oh, that's very funny.
You didn't think "stumpy"
was funny last night.
Look, Jeff,
what about last night?
What do you mean,
"what about last night?"
Phil!
I told you to stay
away from her!
You're gonna pay for this!
You got the short end
of the stick, Phil.
She don't love you.
Hey, it ain't the meat
but the motion.
You don't know
how screwed you are.
All of youse.
You, Rona, Bobby.
I'm gonna expose you all.
Jeff! Give me a hand!
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Why don't you
friggin' swim home?
Oh, what,
you think I killed him?
Glub, blub, blub, blub,
blub, blub.
I'm not gonna stick around
and wait for the autopsy.
So, what, you're leaving me?
Is that it?
Look, Jeff, no offense?
Your family is whacked, man.
All right, fine.
Fine. I'm leaving then.
Okay.
This is double-o two.
Come in, double-o one.
Yeah, go, Feege.
Hey, chief, you
remember Rona Mace?
Vaguely.
She's about a heartbeat
away from scratching gravel.
Did you say
"scratching gravel"?
Copy that, chief.
Get Tony and Jimmy
over there.
I'm on my way.
Hang on, honey.
Hey, Murph.
Rone.
Hey, Miss Mace,
seen Ellie?
No.
What?
What's the matter?
Has he apprehended him?
Stay calm.
If we take him down...
I didn't do it!
Put your hands down.
I didn't do it.
Put your damn hands down.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do it either.
Put your
damn hands down.
I didn't mean to kill her.
Listen. Just keep
your mouth shut.
Move over here
and shut up.
Where you goin', Rona?
I'm owed vacation time.
I find that
highly unlikely.
Listen. No son-in-law
of mine is gonna go
to prison, you understand?
Hey! In case anyone
gives a shit,
Jeff Dearly is over at
the cemetery
with a gun to his head.
Holy, shit!
All right, nobody move,
all right?
Tony, Jimmy, just...
Keep everybody here.
Feege, you come with me.
Come on!
Stay here!
Stay calm, all the residents.
Don't let them move.
You got it, boss.
Come on, baby, come on!
Don't move
any closer, sheriff!
I swear to God I'll do this.
No, no, no, no, no!
He's not a sheriff.
Look, Jeff,
I know how upset
you are about your dad.
To hell with him!
Everyone knows he's
not my real daddy.
Then why are you doing this?
'Cause she said she was
gonna marry me.
Who?
She said she was gonna
be my wife.
I don't know who
you're talking about.
Rona!
I love her!
I love you too, baby.
I told you
to stay put!
Jeff, honey, please
don't make me a widow
before we get married.
Do it, Jeff! Do it!
Don't do it! Don't do it!
Don't do it!
You've got your whole life...
Ahead of you...
Well, unless you choose to
blow your brains out, but...
Jeff, don't... Don't do it.
I know you all think
I killed my parents.
We don't think
you killed anybody.
You're full of shit.
Everyone knows I've been
wanting to get back at her...
Ever since that night.
Hey, ma, there's no more beer.
Give me some of yours.
Don't touch
that beer, Jeff.
Oh, come on...
I said...
Was I so wrong?
You bet your ass!
Yeah, but I didn't
kill her.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm glad she's dead
and all,
but I sure as hell
didn't do it.
Jeff, I know
you didn't kill her.
I didn't kill my dad
neither.
Then why don't you
give me the gun.
'Cause my life sucks, man!
Don't do it.
It's not gonna feel good.
Give it a whirl.
You shut up!
You know what?
To hell with all of youse.
This is bullshit.
No! No! Give...
I'm all right.
Is anybody hit?
No.
I'm all right.
I got the gun.
Come back.
You got it?
Okay. All right.
You all right?
Yeah.
Everything
jake here, chief?
Just securing
the circumference.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on,
you little baby.
Come with me.
Am I in trouble?
No. Listen to me
very carefully.
I want you to remember
every word I say.
I spoke
to Clarence earlier,
and these are
the exact words he used.
I'm deeply hurt.
How do you mean?
All this talk
about Ellie's wedding...
And I wasn't even invited.
Of course
you were invited...
You and your wife.
I'm married?
Clarence...
Now, what the hell's
going on?
Oh, you mean
with the damp clothes
and the hair?
That's a start.
That's 'cause just
last night I killed, uh...
Jeez. What the hell's
his name?
Phil Dearly.
I killed Phil.
Hey, Clarence,
give me a hand!
Come on!
Hold on, buddy!
Hang on.
Any reason why?
Any reason?
Well...
You know the night
in question?
I was seeing it
all go down,
and I got to tell you,
it didn't look good
for Bobby.
Phil Dearly knew that Bobby
tried to kill Mona.
Bobby wound up
in the hoosegow...
Pardon?
The jug, the can,
the coop.
If Bobby got thrown
in the pokey,
what kind of life
would that be
for Ellie and the baby?
How did you know
she was pregnant?
The point is, I just
couldn't sit there
and let Phil Dearly...
Take down
the only decent people
still left in this town.
Well, thank you, Clarence,
for the thought, but...
You still did a very,
very bad thing.
To bad people.
So you punctured
the fetzer valve.
Phil cut the brake lines,
then he switched
Mona's keys...
And drove the final nail
into her coffin.
I don't know what to say,
Mr. Rash.
Don't say anything, Bob.
But know this...
I will die
before I ever let you
ruin my daughter's life.
I will hunt you down,
chasing you to the ends
of the earth,
pursuing you relentlessly...
Until I am satisfied
that you know what it is
to suffer the wrath of God.
You will welcome the relief
that death will bring.
Got it?
Got it.
I just want us
to be happy, Bobby.
You, me,
Ellen, the baby...
We're gonna be like
the Von Trapp family.
You know,
The Sound of Music?
The family from Austria
with Julie Andrews...
And all the little kids
singing?
La, la, la, la
ta-da, ta-da, ta-da
Come with me.
Marriage is an institution
not to be entered into
lightly.
So, is there anyone here
who feels that this couple
should not be joined
in holy wedlock?
Last chance.
Okay, so be it.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
In nomine patrius
et filius spiritu sanctus.
Amen.
Come on, what are youse
waiting for?
I'm dying here.
I love you.
I love you too.
Congratulations.
Way to go, Bobby.
If I was
the king of the world
Tell you what I'd do
Throw away the cars
and the bars and the wars
Where's your date?
I don't have a date.
And make sweet love to you
What are you gonna do
afterwards?
Nothing...
Unless somebody dies.
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
Congratulations, you two.
Hi. Uh...
Well, Clarence, buddy,
it's, uh, it's time.
You ready?
Things good, Cubby?
Yeah. How about you?
Okay.
You know I love the ladies
Love to have my fun
I'm a high night flier
and a rainbow rider
A straight-shootin'
son of a gun
Listen
I said a straight-shootin'
son of a gun
Now sing it
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
Ooh joy
joy to you and me
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the world
Joy to the world
Bury me under saltwater
Bury me under the sand
Bury me under the ocean
But bury me
with your own hands
Bury me
under the desert floor
Maybe somewhere near
the Rio Grande
But if you bury me
beside you
Maybe then I'll understand
Bury me inside a subway
In a station no one knows
Bury me
where no one finds me
But bury me
in my own clothes
Bury me under a mountain
Bury me under the flames
Bury me with muddy waters
Under 21 feet
of Mississippi rain
Oh in your sand
Somewhere
Near the Rio Grande
Bury me in your hills
Bury me by the old town
And every summer
near the mouth
Let a warm wind
surround me
And carry my body south
Bury me with all your guilt
and sorrow
Bury me in the back lane
Just bury me beside you
Under 21 feet
of Mississippi rain
Oh
Your sand
Somewhere near
the Rio Grande
Bury me in your hands
In your hands
In your hands
In your hands
Bury me
Bury me
Bury me
Bury me in your hands
Wash away my troubles
Wash away my pain
With the rain in Shambala
Wash away my sorrows
Wash away my shame
With the rain in Shambala
Ooh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ooh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Everyone is helpful
Everyone is kind
On the road to Shambala
Ugh! Shit!
Everyone is lucky
Everyone is so kind
On the road to Shambala
Ooh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ooh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I can tell my sister
About the flowers
in her eyes
On the road to Shambala
I can tell my brother
About the flowers
in his eyes
On the road to Shambala
How does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala?
Uh-huh.
I see.
Is that right?
Well, have you ever seen
Starlight Express?
Daddy, of course I have.
Well, I mean, let's face it.
It's no West Side Story.
You don't know
what kind it was?
It's a mix.
There's English,
there's Red Nose,
there's Staffordshire,
there's all kinds.
There's American.
Yeah, but she says it was
a longhaired pit bull.
There's no such thing
as a longhaired pit bull.
That's what I'm saying.
One of you guys
gonna get that?
I'm not attacking you...
No.
I'm just working this out.
Carlucci.
One second.
Feege, you got
a call on two.
Are we okay here?
Because it's just...
It's formality.
Absolutely, I just have
to do it over again.
Lieutenant Gruman
speaking.
Lieutenant?
I rented it. Rita Moreno
was so terrible.
How can you say that?
Rita Moreno was fabulous.
Well, at least she wasn't
on roller skates.
Are you making fun of me
because I like Xanadu?
What?
Lucinda just called.
Let me call you back.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
You know
Mona Dearly?
What about her?
She was proceeding
southbound on Route Nine...
When apparently,
her vehicle was involved
In a two-eleven-oh-seven.
What?
She drove
into the river.
She's dead, Wyatt.
In the summertime
When the weather is hot
You can stretch right up
and touch the sky
When the weather's right
You got women,
you got women on your mind
Have a drink have a drive
Go out and see
what you can find
If her daddy's rich
take her out for a meal
If her daddy's poor
just do what you feel
Speed along the lane
do a ton or a ton and 25
So, what happened
to your hand?
Oh, this thing?
Oh, it's nothing.
I mean, what are you
gonna do?
So, what did you say
your name was again?
Maria Lasala.
Oh, that's a nice name.
Thanks.
So, what, are you
married or something?
Maybe.
We're always happy
Life's for living
yeah that's our Philosophy
Sing along with us
de, de, de, de, de
Da de da, da, da
She's 13, man.
Yeah, finally.
I'm picking you up
tomorrow at 9:00.
For what?
What do you mean,
"for what?" for work.
Nine?
That's early.
Yeah, but it's Carlson's.
So?
It's Carlson's nursery.
Look, I heard you
the first time, Bobby.
I ain't mute.
No, I'm just saying.
Carlson's gonna make us
a lot of money.
It's gonna save the business.
I get half.
I know.
And none of that
50 percent bullshit.
That's it.
What do you think?
Should I do
the yellow apple six report,
or the yellow apple seven?
What's the difference?
The yellow apple six
involves water.
Well, Feege,
the car is submerged
in water.
What do you think?
Let's go with the yellow
apple six.
Yeah.
I think that's
a good idea, Feege.
She's dead.
Thank you,
Dr. Schwartz.
Oh, there he is.
Here they come.
So you want to tell Jeff
about his mom, or do you
think we should do it?
Yeah, that's, uh...
I mean, we'd be more
than happy to do it,
Phil.
You know, it's just
that coming from you...
It may cushion the blow.
Being that, you know,
he's your son and all.
Well, in that case,
it might be best
if one of you did it.
Oh.
Right.
Okay.
Okay.
I could do that.
Do you wanna...
I could do that.
Could you?
I could do it.
Who's gonna do it?
Jimmy's gonna do it.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'll handle it.
Okay.
I got it, Phil.
Oh.
Hey, Jeff, uh, I'm afraid
I got some, uh, bad news.
How you doing, Bobby?
Hey, where's my car?
It's a little bit more
serious than your car, Jeff.
Hey, Bob.
Would somebody mind telling me
what the hell's going on here?
It's...
I'm afraid...
Your mother
was in a car accident.
I'm afraid she's dead, Jeff.
She's dead.
What was she doing
in my car?
Hey, where you been?
Oh. Listen,
you gotta talk
to Murph.
We were going over the menu
before and I mentioned
the boneless-breasted chicken,
and he's, like,
"Boneless? You never
said you wanted boneless."
Can you believe that?
And I'm, like, "Hello.
You don't serve chicken
bones at a wedding.
"God forbid someone
chokes to death."
The thing is it'll cost
an extra five bucks a plate,
and at a hundred plates,
we're looking
at a half a grand just
to get rid of the bones.
Like we got
that kind of money.
Bobby, what's wrong?
Uh, Mona Dearly is dead.
What?
You're kidding me.
No. Yeah...
I mean, no.
No, she's dead.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
It was just a car accident...
On the road, I guess.
Well,
we've gotta celebrate.
What?
God, Ellie, Jesus!
She's a human being.
"We gotta celebrate."
Have some respect.
I don't gotta have respect
for no one in that family.
Bobby, think about
how they've treated you.
How'd they treat me?
Badly.
They're horrible people.
They're a house
full of freaks.
Hey, "Philibuster,"
check it out how fast
I'm doing this, man.
Cut it out,
would you?
But mom, I'm on a roll.
Look at it.
Cut it out,
you little shit,
or I'll kill ya!
All right.
Jeez.
Now,
about the name
of this business,
you given any
thought to it yet?
Well, I thought we should
call it, you know,
BJ Landscaping.
BJ?
I don't get it.
You know, "B" for Bobby
and "J" for Jeff, you know.
BJ Landscaping.
Well, I think JB
Has a nicer ring to it.
Besides, you don't want
anyone going around
calling you blow job
landscaping, do you?
Uh, no.
Well, then what if
we call it JP's, right?
I mean, that's good.
JP's ain't
an option, Jeffrey.
How come, "smarty two-shoes"?
'Cause his name
don't start with "P."
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
What's that, Mr. Dearly?
You say something, Phil?
You gonna contribute,
or what?
Yeah, Phil,
what do you think
about what's going on?
Well, I think that's, uh...
Whatev...
Whatever you two decide is...
All right.
Thanks, Mr. Dearly.
For what?
He didn't say jack!
Why are you
kissing his ass?
I wasn't kissing his ass...
I thought you were done
with kissing ass.
I wasn't kissing his...
Totally kissing his ass.
Kiss ass!
Look at the little kiss ass.
You disgust me,
you little kiss ass.
Get out of my sight.
She deserved it.
I bet property values go up.
So, are you gonna fire Jeff?
What? No.
Why would I want
to fire Jeff?
'Cause you been
wanting to for years.
No, I haven't.
I stopped
wanting to fire him
a long time ago.
Well,
what about him killing
the Schneider dog?
He didn't kill
the Schneider dog.
I mean, that was
an accident when he killed
the Schneider dog.
Bobby, he ran over it
with a lawn mower.
Yeah.
All right, I don't
want to talk about it
right now, okay?
The guy's mother
just drove off of a cliff.
Yeah.
Too bad Jeff
wasn't riding shotgun.
That would
have been funny.
Ever so gracefully,
the yellow Yugo,
sort of floating...
It was almost
slow-motion like...
And it did a swan dive
right into the river.
Swan dive, huh?
Well, it was tragic
and frightening,
yet beautiful
in an obtuse way.
All right, that's...
What did he say?
Clarence?
Hmm.
He said she drove
into the river.
Oh.
You know, Feege,
I was looking around
up top,
and there is something
very odd about this.
What's that?
There are no skid marks.
She never hit the brakes.
Now, we should
do some checking
to see if she suffered from
any medical conditions...
Like, uh, narcolepsy
or something.
Could have been
"barr-stein syndrome."
Yeah. Yeah.
Rash, she was a lousy driver.
It probably
caught up with her.
That's right, you knew her
pretty well, didn't you?
Well, our paths crossed
time to time.
Juliet, Echo, Papa, Hotel.
You had that little thing
with her a while back.
A bit of an altercation
between the two of you.
Let me see your hands.
Let me see your hands.
Why'd you
pull us over, Feege?
Well, let me think about that
for a second here, Mona.
"A," you're riding on rims
and "B," you just went 2800
on an officer of the law.
And "C"... What the hell's
the matter with you, Jeff?
Oh! Boy.
Ow!
Look what you did.
I didn't do nothing.
You scared him
half to death.
He's drunk.
No, he ain't!
Get out of here, you jerk!
That's okay, baby.
Everything's okay.
Mommy's here now.
Yes, okay, baby.
You're gonna pay
for this, Feege.
You just lost
your lawn service, pal.
It's a real shame, though.
Him and Bobby did...
A fabulous job
on my place.
So,
what do you think,
Lucinda?
What do I think?
I think she took a turn
for the worse...
And broke her stupid neck.
A fitting end
to a less-than-laudable life.
I'm talking
about the car.
I'll have her fixed
in no time.
Now, Lucinda...
Look, dude,
if somebody rigged it,
you'll know.
I'm counting on you,
all right?
All right. It'll cost you.
You gonna charge him double?
You know it.
You get up, you get down
You get lost
and then you get found
Sure as I'm sitting here
Sure as I'm sitting here
You get a laugh
You get a cry
You get them all
before you die
Sure as I'm sitting here
Sure as I'm sitting here
All the ladies
Hypnotize you
And all your friends
Well, they just
patronize you
Don't gotta look for God
He's just sitting here
And I think he's got a plan
But it's not too clear
Come on sit down get down
Come on sit down get down
As sure as
I'm sitting here
She's dead.
I know.
I can't believe this.
I mean, it's just...
Man, I mean...
This is it, right, Rone?
I mean...
This is it.
I don't like it, Phil.
I don't like it one bit.
What's the matter?
Look, I have
to ask you something,
and I want you to be honest.
Sure.
What?
Did you do it?
Did I do what?
Did you kill her?
How could you ask me that?
How could she ask me that?
It looks suspicious, Phil.
It was an accident.
It was a stroke of good luck.
Good luck doesn't happen
to people like us.
Good luck happens
to Madonna.
No.
Tony and Jimmy D.
Said it could have been...
Slippage on the road...
Or something.
I don't know.
Sure.
I don't know.
And in a couple of months,
they're gonna find me
floating at the bottom
of the Hudson.
Don't talk like that, baby.
Don't talk like that.
'Cause if you're down there,
I'm down there.
Uh-huh.
I'll go down
with the catfish.
Phil. Phil.
I'll go swim in the murk.
Phil.
Yeah.
Are you okay?
I'll live.
No bacteria,
honest.
I am a priest.
"A priest?" A priest.
You can't cut me off.
Padre,stow it.
You're breaking
my concentration,
for crying out loud.
Look, threats
notwithstanding, all right?
Cut the sermon and just
give me a Godamn beer!
You want me to squirt you
in front of God and everybody?
I'll do it.
Hey, Murph.
What's all this
about the chicken?
The chickens?
We got bigger
fish to fry, pal.
Get your ass over there.
Come on.
Tell me you didn't
do it, Bobby.
Do what?
Mona Dearly.
Come on, they were
killing your business, Bobby.
That whole family
was ruining your life.
No, they weren't.
They weren't ruining anything.
I didn't do it. Are you crazy?
What are you talking about?
I'm just saying there's
a lot of people that wouldn't
blame you if you did.
Come on, Murph,
Jesus Christ!
All right.
I'm just doing
the big brother thing,
you know. I'm just...
I'll back off.
Guess who got
in an altercation last night?
Who?
Valerie Antonelli.
Big talk from the big man.
Are you talking
to me, huh?
Where's Bobby Calzone
when you need him,
huh, Valerie?
So what are you
gonna friggin' do?
You gonna friggin' hit me?
Ow!
Come on, Murph.
She's a girl.
You don't let her get
slapped around like that.
What's the matter with you?
Hey, she's the one that
wanted to be a landscaper.
So sue me.
All right, listen, Murph,
so, uh...
What's up
with the whole chicken thing?
Can you help us out?
Bobby, look.
If you want somebody
to sit there,
and yank the bones
out of a hundred chickens,
it's gonna run you money.
All right, you might be...
You know, you're the best man
at the wedding, Murph.
I'm not making any money
on this wedding as it is.
You know, you're my brother.
Can't you do a...
Just do a brotherly deboning
or something?
What's the... I mean...
Okay.
How long is this
gonna go on? Huh?
I'm fronting you for your
business, I'm helping you
with your wedding.
Do you realize that last year
I declared you as a dependent
on my taxes?
Look, you know,
I'm having a hard time
at work right now.
And, uh, I'm a little bit
shorthanded with Jeff.
Well, maybe
due to the untimely
demise of Mona Dearly,
you could finally
get rid of that one-arm bandit
partner of yours.
Bobby, come on,
I can't...
I can't
take care of you
like this.
Wait...
Wait a second.
Come on. Come on. come on.
I have to close the door.
I'm not ready yet.
You're no fun at all.
You have one new message.
Hi, honey.
It's your old dad calling.
Just want to see
how your plans for
the big day are shaping up.
Uh, I thought we could
hop over to the diner
for some breakfast.
Tomorrow is no good,
but maybe Saturday.
Okay?
Say hey to Bobby.
Be good.
What do you think he wants?
I don't know.
Sounded pretty cryptic.
Something about
breakfast, Saturday.
Hard to say.
Honey, what's wrong?
Nothing.
Lazy river
where the robin's song
Awakes the bright
new morning
We can loaf along...
Hi, Jeff.
I just thought
I'd stop by and
pay my respects.
Your dad's not home,
is he?
Nope.
Oh.
I know this is
trying times
for the two of you.
You want a beer
or something?
No. No, thanks.
You don't happen to know
where he went?
Jeff, did your mother suffer
from any medical conditions
you might know of?
I think she had
a personality disorder.
Oh, a person...
Well, not necessarily
like that.
It's just there are some
aspects of this accident
that, uh, just...
Well, what, you think
someone killed her?
Yeah, well, I didn't do it.
I never said you did,
but if you were to know
if somebody had a grudge
against her,
or something like that,
you know.
Oh, yeah.
I don't want to point
any fingers and what not,
but Bobby Calzone did it.
Bobby Calzone?
I find that hard to believe.
Bobby's such a sweet kid.
He doesn't have
a violent bone in his body.
Why don't you see
how Peaches feels
about that?
Peaches?
The Schneider dog?
Yeah.
Yeah, with the lawn mower.
Oh, great job
with Peaches there, Bobby.
Oh, drop dead, asshole.
But Bobby,
that poor little dog.
"Poor little dog."
It was in the way.
Hey, you were the one
chasing after it
with the lawn mower, not me.
I wasn't chasing it.
It wasn't my fault.
It got in the way.
Yeah, well now
we lost that account.
All right, blame me.
Blame me like you blame me
for everything else.
I don't care.
Hey, you killed Peaches.
I would've fired us for that.
Oh, is that
a firsthand account?
Like you never killed a dog?
Hey, look, Bobby,
if you keep losing
our accounts,
pretty soon we'll be
out of business.
Then how're you gonna
take care of Ellen?
"Take care of Ellen."
Ellen freakin' shmellen.
Honey, I hate to see you gu...
What are you saying?
I can't hear you,
Mrs. Dearly. what?
Huh? What? Huh?
What? Shut up!
Bobby, you're hurting me.
One step closer, Jeff,
and I swear to God,
I'll tear out
your friggin' ovaries.
Don't you speak
to my boy like that.
Mrs. Dearly,
your boy has the IQ
of a garden pest.
And so do you,
you dumb wench!
Hey, Bobby,
I-I-I-I don't think that...
What? You don't think?
That's your problem, Phil,
you don't think.
You don't think!
Now, I've had it!
I can't take it anymore.
Especially you, Mona Dearly.
What's that
supposed to mean?
You know what it means!
You know what it means!
Ahh!
He said, "ovaries"?
Oh, yeah.
All the time.
And he threatened
your mom's life?
But why didn't
you report this?
'Cause everyone
threatened her life.
Ovaries.
Ovaries.
Oh, Mona Dearly
She took a turn
for the worse
You know she swam
with the fishes
You know she dug
in the dirt
Oh, why did she
have to die, die, die?
Oh, why did she
have to die, die, die?
Oh, why did she
have to de, de, de, de
De, de, de, de, de, de,
de, de, de, de die, die
Oh, Mona Dearly
Catchy.
Hey.
That was nice.
Oh, thanks.
How's that daughter
of yours?
Oh, she's great.
Thanks for asking.
Yeah? Wedding plans
going smooth?
Like silk on glass.
All right, I want you
to take a look under here.
Okay, if somebody were
to sabotage the brakes...
"If"?
If. It's a conditional
clause. If.
Like I was saying,
if somebody were
to sabotage the brakes,
he's got two options.
He can be smart
and puncture a hole
in the brake fluid tank,
or he can be a total freak
and cut all four
of the brake lines.
I'll show you.
These here
are brake lines.
There, there.
They've all been cut.
A total freak.
That rules out...
An accident.
Hey, hey, slow down, pal.
We're just getting
started here.
All right, now.
You know what this is.
Lucinda, I don't know
shit about cars.
That's the brake fluid tank.
What's that hole?
That's a hole.
So, I figure
the perp...
Used some kind
of sharp instrument...
A screwdriver,
an awl, what have you...
Took it and drove it
through the tank
with a hammer.
Just, "Bam. Bam."
Now, see this?
This here?
Fetzer valve.
I'm not familiar
with the fetzer valve.
Nor should you be.
It serves no purpose
whatsoever.
So what's the problem?
Somebody poked
a hole in that too.
Is that bad?
This car was
done to death.
Done to death?
Uh-huh,
fixed to kill.
Fixed to kill.
This was no accident.
"Sorry to bother you.
I just wanted to express
my sorrow...
"Over the loss
of your tragic...
"Hi, Jeff, Phil.
Really sorry
to bother you...
"Hi. Sorry to bother you.
Listen, I just want
to express my sorrow...
"...over the loss of..."
Hey, Mr. Dearly.
I just wanted to, uh,
express my... Sorrow...
...over the loss
of your tragic loved one.
My loved one, hmm.
Your wife passed.
Oh, yeah?
Who'd she pass?
Hey, what
do you want?
Well, Bobby came by
to express his loss
over our sorry loved one.
You know,
I ain't working
today.
Oh, no.
You shouldn't work.
You sh...
You're definitely on a le...
A grievance leave,
and I'm just coming by
to say that I'm really sorry.
Yeah, that's great
if that's what you want
to tell yourself.
Hey, listen, if you asked me,
he sounds real broken up
about it.
I mean, look at him.
Yeah, no kidding.
All right, so, uh...
Hey, listen, Bob,
if you're tormented by this,
you should definitely
come by Cubby's funeral
home tonight and have
a full release.
Yeah, yeah.
We're having one of them
"wake and bake" services.
Okay, yeah, sure.
I'll come by Cubby's.
Yeah, you do that,
you little kiss ass.
Yeah,
you make sure you wear
them kiss ass shoes too.
And that landscaping
kiss ass t-shirt.
I'll mow your lawn,
I'll trim your hedges...
BOTH:
...and I'll kiss your ass.
There he goes.
Look at him.
Yep, yep.
A little hesitation
before the kiss.
Careful, oh.
Don't kiss the dog's ass.
All he talks about is how much
the wedding's gonna cost
and how Jeff's ruining JB's.
I'm worried about him, dad.
It's like he's obsessed.
Well, I'll talk to him.
See if I can help.
No, it's all right.
You've already done enough.
You know...
This is gonna sound terrible,
but with Mrs. Dearly dying,
this is the first break
he's caught in a while.
Hey, folks.
Hey, Rone.
So, shame about
Mona Dearly, huh?
So young. Tragic.
It's taken everybody
by surprise.
Yeah, poor family.
So, what can I get you?
I'll have the usual.
And a cup of joe.
And you, hon?
You want the heart attack
special just like your daddy?
The vegetarian plate.
Back in a jiff.
A box of frigging meat
for our wedding gift
like I'm registered at a deli.
Hey, what do you think
about Ice Castles
for our spotlight dance?
Can't go wrong
with Ice Castles.
That's what I was thinking.
So, it looks like there's
gonna be an investigation
into this thing.
I just...
I have to tell you that
this wedding of yours
is all anybody in this
town is talking about.
And the fact that
you two even considered
having me there...
Well, forget about it.
Yeah, well, me and Bobby
really want you there, Rone.
Oh, I just want you to know
it moved me... Down deep.
Really.
It moved me.
Good, good.
Enjoy your meal.
So, where was I?
You said you were
gonna investigate.
Right. What I was
thinking was, uh...
Goddamnit, don't give me
that shit, Phil.
I'm not overreacting.
He was there.
He was talking to Ellen.
Oh, come on,
sweet nipple.
Don't "sweet nipple" me, Phil.
But we got nothing
to do with it, honey.
I'm dumping
her stuff right now.
What does that have to do
with anything, Phil?
Do you know why
our prisons are so crowded?
I don't know.
Too many criminals?
Wrongful imprisonment, Phil.
Erroneous convictions.
11% of all inmates
currently serving time
are counterfactually
incarcerated for crimes
uncommitted.
Did you ever see Tom Selleck
inAn Innocent Man?
Oh, yeah, was that
with Kurt Russell?
Phil, look. Rash is
asking a lot of questions
about all of you.
And I don't like one bit
what he's insinuating,
not one bit.
Relax, Vanna.
He's just doing his...
Hi, Phil.
Oh, shit.
Rash is here.
What?
I gotta go.
Hey, chief.
Hey, Phil. I hope I didn't
catch you at a bad time.
Oh, no.
I was just getting
ready for Mona's wake.
How you doing?
I'm fine.
That's a really nice picture
of the two of you.
I can't tell you
how sorry I am about Mona.
She was a passionate...
And committed woman.
Now, this is probably
the exact wrong time
to ask you...
No, hey, whatever
I can do to help.
I mean, hey,
you know me,
I'm a team player.
Well, I need to ask you
a couple of questions
about your wife.
Oh, yeah?
What about her?
Phil.
Phil, sweetie,
you got a minute for me?
Phil.
Honey, they're
looking for the shooter.
Get in here, Phil.
You should have
seen this guy takin'
potshots in his skivvies.
He looked a lot
like Father Tom.
Yes, dear?
Where were you
this afternoon?
Wh-what?
Where the hell were you?
I called the warehouse.
You were MIA.
Are you sure you
had the right number?
Oh, boy.
Who is she, Phil?
Uh, who's who?
What's her name?
Uh, sweetness...
Oh, Jesus, honey,
you could've hurt
somebody with that.
I don't wanna hurt
someone, Phil.
I wanna hurt you.
What's gotten into you?
You.
You don't find me
attractive no more!
Of course I don't... Do.
You got something going on,
don't you, Phil?
Don't you?
You been playing
Wheel of Fortune
with someone else.
Ooh.
Don't tell anyone,
but, uh...
I was a battered husband.
Phil, that was
the Wednesday night
prior to the accident?
That's right.
And at no point
during the evening
did you leave the house?
No, I was watching TV
the entire evening.
And what about Jeff?
Well, him and Mona had
a fight earlier that night.
Oh. Do you recall
what was said?
Yeah, he said she was
an embarrassment to
the family and then took off.
Oh, the kid was lit up
like a damn Christmas tree.
I've never seen him so drunk.
Hi, Bob.
Ye-yes.
Bob.
I was talking to Ellen
earlier and, uh,
she told me you were worried
about your finances,
and I just...
You know, you and I
are practically family now.
You shouldn't have
to bear that burden alone.
If ever you want to talk,
or get something
off your chest...
Well, I appreciate that.
Just imagine
that you're Annie
and I'm "Daddy" Warbucks.
"Daddy" Warbucks.
Yeah.
Or I'm Auntie Mame
and you're little Patrick.
Huh?
Well.
Now, tell me something, Bob.
What did you think
about Mona Dearly?
Mona?
She was, uh...
She was the worst person
that I ever knew,
I guess, in my entire life.
Hey, how are you doing,
Mrs. Dearly?
I just came
to give Jeff his pay.
How come
you're all dolled up?
I'm taking Ellie
to dinner theater.
Come on, come on.
What you gonna see?
Oh, Calcutta.
Come on, what you doing?
Get over here.
Give me my money.
Yo, what is this?
Trying to tell me this is
what I busted my anus for?
For 287.50?
It's always 287.50.
Mom, he's totally
trying to rip me off.
You holding out on us,
Calzone?
Where's the rest, ya dick?
Looks to me
like he's wearing it.
Yeah, nice shoes.
This is a joke, right?
You're a joke.
You guys
are kidding, right?
Kidding?
You feel like laughing?
Laugh at this.
Hey.
Yeah, kick his ass, mom.
You're paying
for that headlight.
Hey, what are you doing?
Get out of there.
You'll pay for that headlight.
Take it out
of Jeffrey's pay.
Yeah.
Let go!
What are you doing?
God! This is...
I mean, enough is enough.
All I ever wanted was...
A nice professional business
so Ellie and I
could have a-a...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what this is?
This is the world's
smallest tambourine.
And it's... And it's playing
some sort of song
or something.
Shut up! Shut up!
That's a violin,
you asshole.
Give me that thing.
Give me that.
I think it's time we...
We started talking about
dissolving the business.
I mean, it's nothing personal.
It's a business decision.
No way.
Don't even think
about it, scumbag.
As I see it,
you got two options.
Buy us out,
or pray for an early death.
Go enjoy
your dinner theater.
But, I mean, you know,
she probably had
her good points too.
Well, most people
have two sides.
Well, she just
showed me the one.
That Jeff Dearly, man.
What about him?
You gotta
hand it to him.
Hey, Jeff,
what's your handle?
Hey, Jeff.
Hands up.
Hey, speaking of which,
guess what I heard.
That's not
a logging accident.
What's the difference?
What's the difference?
Why, what
did you hear?
What about that
fishing accident?
Are you serious?
See?
Wow.
It's a terrible loss.
It's a terrible loss.
What a void in my life!
Okay, all right.
Father Tom,
it has been difficult.
Father Tom,
it has been difficult.
It's been really hard.
Hey, Jeff, come on.
We don't want to miss this.
Let's go.
Yeah, right.
Well I never been to Spain
But I kind of like the music
Say the ladies
are insane there
And they sure know
how to use it
They don't abuse it
Never gonna lose it
I can't refuse it
Well I never
been to England...
What's wrong?
Nothing.
What did your dad
want to see you about?
Nothing. He just
asked me some questions
about Mrs. Dearly.
What about her?
What kind of questions?
Just about the accident.
What does he think?
He doesn't think anything.
Really?
I mean, you'd tell me
if he said anything?
For Christ's sake, Bobby!
All right, I'm sorry.
I don't... I don't care.
I don't know
why I'm asking you.
I just...
With Jeff not at work,
you know, I'm shorthanded.
I'm just...
Really tired.
What did you want
to talk to me about?
Forget about it.
Do you imagine the Dearlys
were like us when
they were our age?
Uh.
No, she was always fat.
Yo, what time is it?
Uh, 8:30.
Jesus! I'm dyin' over here.
Keep in mind,
we're remembering
a lifetime.
Yeah, all right.
Ten more minutes then.
Aw, to hell with it.
Let's go.
Hey, Cubby.
Me and Jeff don't think
there's much point
hanging out.
In...
In my experience,
wakes aren't
very well attended.
I've found that often times...
The tragedy is
so recent that...
That loved ones are...
In effect paralyzed...
By their grief.
Hey, hey, listen.
Who are we kidding, huh?
No one's gonna come.
Not with the game on.
Oh, shit.
I got money on that game.
Yeah, you and
everyone's mother.
Hey. I thought
you were coming by.
Yeah, you know...
Yeah. Hey, Jeff.
Yeah, hey, Rone.
Yeah, you know I can't say
your mom was good people.
Hey, are those pies
fresh over there?
No.
Hey, Phil.
Hey, Feege.
Shame about Mona.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you snooze, you lose.
Hey, guys, how you doing?
All right? Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
Yo, can we
sit down already?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just take that booth
over there.
Thanks, babe.
What?
Good evening,
friends.
Oh, Jesus, Cubby!
Hey.
You've got a...
You've got a...
You've got
nice pictures in here.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Yeah. Where is everyone?
Jeff and Phil
are at the palace
getting some grub,
Ah.
but if you care
to look at the deceased...
Sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
She looks so peaceful.
In death
one finds serenity.
I guess.
Beautiful.
Dynamite stuff.
That's fantastic.
Hey, Wyatt.
Hey, Cubby.
Some turnout.
Yeah.
So, who showed up?
Uh.
Jeff. Phil.
Bobby and Ellen...
Stopped by
about an hour ago.
Otherwise,
it's just been me
and my dinner date.
Tell me something, Cubby.
You notice
anything odd lately?
You mean other than the fact
that no one seems to care
about this woman's death?
Along those lines.
Hell, Wyatt,
I've seen people more
upset over losing change
in a candy machine.
Who says you can't catch
nothing in the river?
You know,
Feege is right.
Of course I'm right.
We should show
a little respect.
Jeff, why don't
you say a word?
Jeff.
Huh?
Jeff, why don't
you say a word?
About what?
About your mother.
All right.
To mom.
And yeah, she was
kind of mean,
but she was still
my mom.
Someone had to be.
MURPH: All right, everybody.
Let's hear a nice round
of applause...
...for our final contestant,
Mona Dearly.
All right, nice grouping.
Nice grouping.
Hey, everybody.
Give her another
round of applause.
Now we're awaiting
the judges' decision.
The judges are deciding...
...who will win the coveted...
"Golden angel."
The winner...
Of the Verplanck's
knife-throwing contest is...
Bobby Calzone!
Oh, my God!
I never win anything.
MURPH: I know.
Just a Goddamn minute.
You didn't vote for me.
Well, sort of...
What do you mean, "sort of"?
They all say, "Bobby."
Really?
Phil, you're my husband.
You're supposed
to support me.
Yeah, but Bobby had
really good form though, hon.
Thanks, Mr. Dearly.
You're welcome, Bobby.
Mona, we're just having
a little fun here.
"Fun."
I lost, Wyatt.
I'm a loser.
Does that sound
like fun to you?
Well, Mona,
I'm sorry that you lost,
but...
Yeah, it's just
a lousy little contest.
I know.
Everybody can't be
a winner, Mona.
But I've never been a winner.
I've never had my chance.
You're blowing this
out of proportion.
It's just
a knife-throwing contest.
Yeah, to you maybe.
But not to me.
I really wanted this.
Just for one day...
One day... To be a winner.
To have everybody
look at me and say,
"Yo, way to go, Mona."
Would it have killed you
to let me take home
that prize? Huh? Huh?
Just for one day
to let me feel good
about myself?
I don't know what to say.
Mrs. Dearly.
You can have the trophy.
I'm gonna have
a second chance.
Why don't you take
that trophy and shove it
right up your ass, Calzone?
Mona, Bobby's just
trying to help.
I don't need his sympathy.
You know, my mother
used to say...
If life gives you potatoes,
make potato salad.
Well, life handed me
a whole pile of shit.
What am I supposed
to make out of that?
Shit salad?
Just shut up.
The whole pack of youse,
just shut up.
...and it won't be
the last one.
Feege.
Shh.
Feege.
Come here.
Look, I've
been thinking.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't. Don't.
Listen to me.
Just listen to me.
Jeff Dearly's key chain
is on a rack in his kitchen.
Great. Wonderful.
But where is it
supposed to be?
I have no idea.
Why don't you tell me?
Hanging from the ignition
of the victim's car.
Well, what about Mona's keys?
That's what I'm saying.
Mona's keys are on Jeff's
key ring in the kitchen.
Jeff's keys are on Mona's
key chain in the car.
So, what, somebody
switched their keys?
Definitely.
No, no.
I don't think so.
Oh, you don't think so?
Wyatt, Wyatt,
as far as I'm concerned,
ding, dong, the witch is dead.
End of story.
Eh, one less
ain't gonna kill her.
It's kind of weird, you know,
seeing the tombstone and all.
"Demoted wife,
mother and dressmaker."
I didn't know your mom
was a dressmaker.
Me neither.
Guess what.
They're calling
Mona's accident a case.
Ow.
Which means
they don't think she died
because of some slippery road.
So?
So that means
there's an investigation.
It means they have leads.
Phil, I watch A&E.
I understand the way
a cop's mind works.
See, they see you standin'
here and touchin' me...
And the next thing you know,
there's the background check
and the profile and
the psychological workup.
I just came for lunch.
Phil, these are
smart guys.
These are really,
really smart guys.
They have tools.
Tools?
Yeah, of the trade.
So, what are you
trying to say?
Just stop being
so damn conspicuous,
would you please?
Okay.
Good.
I'll see you later
at the charm.
Yeah.
Stop it!
I've been a bad boy
I've been a bad boy
Ah ha
I've been a bad boy but
I don't mean that your mine
Some folks drink whiskey
Some folks drink gin...
Want something?
Light beer, please.
Hey, Bobby.
So, Chief Rash has been
snooping around a bit.
What do you think
he's looking for?
Hard to say, Phil.
What do you think?
Been getting
much sleep lately, Bob?
Yep.
Any nightmares
or bad dreams?
No.
Listen, there's
a lot of talk going on.
You know, the kind
where things get said,
fingers get pointed,
landscapers
get incarcerated...
Hold on a minute.
Before you say anything,
I want to say
something to you.
You did the greatest favor
anybody's ever done for me.
I just came by
to say thank you.
Thank you, Bob.
Would you like a beer?
I'll have one.
Can I have a beer,
please?
Cheers.
Fingers get pointed.
Fingers get pointed.
Landscapers get incarcerated.
Landscapers...
Look at the little kiss ass.
Peaches.
Get out of my sight.
Peaches.
Pray for an early death.
Don't...
Laugh at this.
Ah.
Bobby, he ran
over it with a lawn mower.
...a lawn mower, a lawn mower.
Peaches! Don't do that!
Don't! No!
No! Peaches!
What's the matter
with you?
What are you
doing here?
Listen,
I was trying to tell you
something last night and...
What? Wait.
It was a mistake.
I mean, she wasn't
supposed to die.
Excuse me?
I don't know what
happened to me. I just...
They were driving me crazy.
Every single day
they were haranguing me
and I...
What are you talking about?
I just snapped.
I thought I was killing Jeff.
I tried to puncture the...
Just, I didn't know
I was puncturing things.
But I thought it was Jeff's.
I didn't know...
What did you do that for?
You killed Mona Dearly.
I know.
But why?
Because.
I thought I was killing Jeff.
Bobby, my dad is
the chief of police!
I know,
but I wasn't gonna
go through with it.
It doesn't matter.
You killed someone!
I know, but I was
doing it for us.
Jeff was killing
the business,
and Mona wasn't
gonna let me out
of the partnership, so I...
Well, it seemed like
a good idea at the time.
A good idea
at the time?
Cut the grass at 6:00,
lay sod at 7:00,
drown the Dearlys at 8:00?
But I was doing it for us.
It was for us.
It was for our perfect life
'cause everything
that we wanted...
Well, that's just great.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, well,
I'm pregnant.
What?
You're pregnant?
Mm-hmm.
It's mine?
Mmm-hmm.
That's fantastic.
Yeah, I thought so too
until about a minute ago.
Oh, man.
I can't believe this.
I mean, how could you, Bobby?
We're not killers,
we're good people.
I wasn't gonna
go through with...
But you're not even supposed
to get to that place.
You're supposed to have
that thing that goes off
in your head that says,
"Bad fucking idea, Bobby!"
I have that thing. I have it.
It just didn't go off.
I'm sorry. Please.
Please, I love you.
I'm so sorry.
Man, I can't believe
you killed someone!
Where are you going?
Home.
We need milk.
Hey, chief.
Please come in.
Thanks, Phil.
Have a seat.
Thanks for coming by,
chief.
What's on your mind, Phil?
Well,
it sure seems clear to me
that my Mona was a victim
of an act of treachery,
and there's no doubt
in my mind that
she's been murdered.
What makes you so sure?
I saw it happen.
You saw it happen?
Now granted, this ain't
easy for me to say,
and it's something
I should've said before.
You've been playing
Wheel of Fortune
with someone else!
I would've told you before,
but when family's involved,
you know, I mean,
things can get
a little dicey.
Hmm.
Well, I appreciate
your discretion.
Phil, what can you tell me
about Rona Mace?
Rona?
Mace. Yeah.
Oh, well, that's, uh...
She's, uh...
She's a good friend
who's been real supportive
since the tragedy.
Was she supportive
prior to the tragedy?
Hey, chief, I've, uh...
You know, I may not
have been happily married,
but I did take an oath.
It's the weekend
And I know that you're free
So put on your jeans
and come on out with me
The usual, madam?
If you'd be so kind.
I need to see you
come to me
I need to have you
near me
Good luck
on your free spin.
You and me
On my motorbike ridin'
In the sun and the wind
and the rain
I got money in my pocket
Got a tiger in my tank
And I'm king of the road
again
I'll meet ya
In the usual place...
I'm a wheel watcher
I'm a wheel watcher
Hoo! I want it, baby.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on.
Free spin, honey.
Free spin.
I'm a wheel watcher
Oh, please.
Will you just cut the shit
and get down to business?
Okay, okay.
Can I buy a vowel?
You know what, Phil?
I've really been a good
sport about all of this.
I really have.
I've really tried
to do what you want.
You wanted to buy an "O,"
so I let you buy a vowel.
I did.
Because you wanted
to buy a vowel.
So I let you buy an "O".
But that wasn't good enough.
You had to have the free spin.
You wanted to have the,
you know, trip to Acapulco.
Well, you know what?
You landed on bankrupt, buddy.
But I wanna solve
your puzzle.
Please. Please, Phil.
I beg you.
Please tell me that I didn't
spend all this time with you
to end up like this.
Don't do this!
I'm a 33-year-old waitress...
At a friggin' diner
that doesn't
encourage tipping.
Thirty-three?
What the hell
are you doing here?
Uh, well, that's, uh...
Well, you know,
me and Rona here...
Phil, Jesus Christ.
Be a man.
Jeff, whatever you think
is happening in here
is happening.
You're cheating on mom?
Mom's dead, son.
Oh, but baby, how could
you do this to me?
Uh, e-excuse me.
Did you just say "baby"?
Keep it down over there!
I'm paying by the hour!
Hey, you shut up!
People!
Please!
Have some respect!
What is the matter
with you?
You're gonna get your...
You're a dead man,
Dearly.
I gotta get the hell
out of this joint.
Hey, what's this?
Oh. I thought we'd
celebrate the baby,
but I'm not really
in the mood right now.
Who's that?
What am I,
Dionne Warwick?
Hang on!
Dad!
Hi.
Hi! What are you
doing here? Hi!
Good to see you.
How you doing,
Mr. Rash?
Bob. What's that?
Oh! Uh...
You might want
to sit down for this.
We're pregnant.
Congratulations, grandpa.
Oh. Oh, honey.
That's just...
That's great.
Thank you.
I know
it's sooner...
Than we thought,
but we're in love, dad.
Starting a family's
all we've ever wanted.
It is.
I love you, baby.
I love you too.
Come on, dad.
Have a drink with us.
So, how's the...
Police force coming?
Going?
I understand you don't
cut the Schneiders'
lawn anymore.
No, Sir.
Not since Jeff
killed Peaches.
Jeff killed Peaches?
I thought it was
the other way around.
That Peaches killed Jeff?
No, that you killed Peaches.
Me? I loved Peaches.
Poor Peaches.
I can't believe you did that!
It was in the way,
all right?
You were chasing after it
with the lawn mower.
Like you never killed a dog.
And now we lost that account.
That's right, blame me...
Just like you blame me
for everything else.
Look, Jeff,
if you keep losing
the accounts, we're not
gonna have a business.
And then how am I gonna
take care of Ellen?
Are you trying
to screw up Jeffrey's
business?
Huh? Huh?
Mrs. Dearly,
you're hurting my neck.
What are you doin'?
Don't touch my mom!
What do you think you're doing
touching my mom?
What, are you nuts?
You tore my overalls!
Hey, hey, Jeff,
I don't think that's a...
That's just
your problem, Phil.
You don't think!
I've had it with you, Calzone!
What's that supposed to mean?
You'll see.
Trust me, buddy. You'll see.
And... You said "overalls"?
Yeah.
Hmm.
I need to know
one more thing, Bobby.
I need to know where you were
Wednesday night.
Uh, at The Hideaway.
Are you sure?
Yeah. I'm at The Hideaway
every night.
Well, I mean,
not-not every night, but...
Well...
Yeah, I'm-I'm there
every night, so...
So, yeah, I was there.
Hi, Valerie.
Got a flat?
You need a hand?
Hey, how ya doin',
Mr. Rash?
Oh, that's some shiner
you got there.
Oh, no, it's nothing.
Well, it's not nothing.
I got clocked in the eye
Wednesday night
at The Hideaway.
Wednesday night?
That's...
Ellie never
mentioned anything.
I don't think
she knows about it.
Her and Bobby weren't there.
So what happened here?
I was just driving
when all of a sudden
the tire blew out.
Pulled off the flat
and I found this.
Where do you suppose
that came from?
"JB Landscaping."
She was a lousy driver.
It probably caught up
with her.
I was a battered husband.
This car was
done to death.
Ding, dong
and the witch is dead...
End of story.
I would have told you before,
but when family's involved,
you know, things
can get a little dicey.
I don't think she knows
about it. Her and Bobby
weren't there.
I'm at The Hideaway
every night.
Bobby Calzone did it.
...fixed to kill.
Look, Jeff, I am sorry
if I hurt your feelings
and everything.
It's just, I don't know,
I kind of thought that if
your dad and I got married,
you know, maybe
the three of us could...
What, live together...
So you could bang
the both of us?
Well, sort of.
Look, Rona, I can't do this.
I been going crazy all day
just thinking about you
and that freak Phil.
Look, if you're worried
about me and Phil
getting married,
you know, forget about it,
'cause it ain't gonna
happen.
Well, then,
why don't you marry me?
Come on, Jeff.
I mean, come on.
Be serious.
I'm totally serious.
Look, I know I don't
got no ring or nothin',
Rone, but...
But I love you,
you know, and like,
like, I always loved you.
And, well, you know,
if I lived a life
without you,
it just wouldn't be
a life worth living.
Come on, Rone.
Can we play
Wheel of Fortunenow?
Gimme that, gimme that
gimme, gimme, gimme that
Gimme that thing, gimme that
gimme, gimme that
Gimme that thing, gimme that
gimme, gimme that
Gimme, gimme, gimme
that thing
No. Stop.
Oh, gimme that, gimme that,
gimme, gimme, gimme that
Stop!
Stop. Phil!
Gimme that thing, gimme that
gimme, gimme that
Phil! Phil!
Gimme that thing, gimme that
gimme, gimme that
Ooh, Phil!
Gimme, gimme
gimme that thing
Where you going?
I can't sleep.
Go back to bed.
Okay.
Hey.
Don't kill anyone,
honey.
Okay.
Murph. Murph.
Excuse me, Murph.
Murph!
Give your daddy
some sugar.
It's Bobby.
Murph! Wake up.
Cuddles?
No. It's Bobby.
I know that you think
I killed Mona, all right?
But the truth of the matter
is that I might have
done something...
That, uh...
Murph.
Murph.
Hey. Hey.
Murph!
I touched her once!
One time. That's it.
Listen. Hey.
I need you to do me a favor.
Can you cover for me?
Hey.
Yeah, I'll cover for you.
Hey. How you doin', Murph?
MURPH:
Hey, chief. How ya doin'?
Good. I'm fine.
Murph, I wanted
to ask you...
A couple questions
about Bobby.
Uh, I ran into Valerie,
and, uh, she had the black eye
thing going there.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you know, chief,
it's terrible times
we're living in...
When a gal can't even
go get a beer...
Without getting clocked
in the eye, you know?
Yeah and she said
that if Bobby was here
the other night,
he would have kept her
from getting beat up.
So he wasn't here,
is that it?
No, no. Bobby?
Bobby was here.
No, he was here.
He was here.
He was, uh...
Picked a hell of a time
to go to the bathroom!
What's the matter?
What?
Nothing's the matter.
Drowning.
Terrible way to go.
Yeah. Yeah.
Rather take a bullet
in the head.
Sure.
Rather get thrown
right off a skyscraper.
Yeah. Thrown in front
of a truck, or...
I had a dog drown on me once.
No kidding.
She couldn't paddle.
You think they can
all paddle, but...
We're gonna have to go
in now, you know.
Yeah.
Oh. Oh.
Chief. Yeah.
Oh. Well, get him out.
What are you
standing around for?
We were just trying...
...to preserve the integrity
of the crime scene.
Forensic disturbance of the...
It's water. Get him out.
Right. Right.
Okay. Okay.
We're going in.
Here we go.
Go on.
Here we go.
Let's go.
All right.
Here we go.
Okay. And up!
One more.
And up.
Up. Up.
Yeah.
This used to be such
a nice, quiet town.
He was
a battered husband.
Yeah.
I'll be right back.
Okay, chief.
All right.
Don't go anywhere.
Who found him?
Hi, Clarence.
I see you took a little dip
in the water, huh?
Every once in a while,
a fella's gotta
cool himself off.
Mmm.
Yeah.
So you want to tell me
what happened?
Hi, Murph.
How you doin',
Ellie?
Not bad.
Guess who's
a bad swimmer.
Hmm?
Guess who sleeps
with the fishes.
What do you mean?
Phil Dearly wound up
on the wrong end
of the proverbial beverage.
Murph, speak English
for Christ sakes.
What happened to Phil?
They found him this morning,
dead in the water...
So to speak.
Ellie!
Ellie!
Where's my dad?
What's the matter?
What's going on,
honey?
Where's my daddy?
Calm down. Slow down.
Take a deep breath.
What's going on?
I just found out.
Murph told me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
okay.
No, no. I can't.
Bobby's a murderer!
Not today. No.
Not tomorrow. I can't.
No. I can't do it.
Yeah.
You got problems, dude.
Huh?
Look, I covered for you
long enough.
Come on, man.
The bodies are starting
to pile up.
Bodies are piling up?
Get in the car.
Get...
Okay.
Hey, Murph. How you doing?
A shitload better
than your dad.
What happened
to his dad?
MURPH: What are
you turning into?
Whose body is it?
A serial killer
on me?
Have you seen Ellen?
Mmm-mmm.
No? Rona.
Don't go anywhere
because you and I need
to have a little dialogue.
Where you going?
I'm getting the hell
out of here.
Listen. If Phil calls,
you don't know where I am.
Oh. Didn't I tell you?
Tell me what?
Phil's dead, honey.
Phil's dead?
Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, I...
I told somebody.
We're getting married
Sunday.
It's gonna be okay,
sweetie.
Try to breathe.
Okay. I gotta go.
The closer we get
to the wedding,
the more people he murders.
I mean,
what's up with that?
Like, I've heard of cold feet,
but Jesus, Lucinda,
I can't marry a murderer.
That's not who I am.
That's not what I'm about.
Shh.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, I really appreciate
you doing this.
That's what friends
are for.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah. It's okay.
Everyone says
weddings are stressful.
Ellie.
I just...
I didn't see it coming.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Maybe we should have
eloped,
or maybe I pushed him
too hard with the boneless
breast of chicken and all.
Sweetie, don't do this
to yourself.
The thing is,
if he really did kill anyone,
it's just 'cause he loves me.
I'm not saying it's okay.
It's just, that's how
committed he is, you know?
To the relationship.
Sweetheart, there are
other ways to show you care.
I know.
I know. I just...
I love him so much, dad.
I know you do.
I'm gonna sort
this whole mess out.
All right?
Okay.
Was mom like this
before you guys
got married?
That was a little different.
How's that?
Well, no one died then, honey.
Right.
Dad?
Yeah, baby?
You're not gonna tell him
about Lucinda, are you?
Of course not.
Besides,
I experimented a bit
when I was your age too.
Hi, Jeff.
Hey, Rona, what are you doing?
What does it look like
I'm doing, Jeff?
I'm getting
the hell out of here.
You want to give me a hand?
Oh, that's very funny.
You didn't think "stumpy"
was funny last night.
Look, Jeff,
what about last night?
What do you mean,
"what about last night?"
Phil!
I told you to stay
away from her!
You're gonna pay for this!
You got the short end
of the stick, Phil.
She don't love you.
Hey, it ain't the meat
but the motion.
You don't know
how screwed you are.
All of youse.
You, Rona, Bobby.
I'm gonna expose you all.
Jeff! Give me a hand!
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Why don't you
friggin' swim home?
Oh, what,
you think I killed him?
Glub, blub, blub, blub,
blub, blub.
I'm not gonna stick around
and wait for the autopsy.
So, what, you're leaving me?
Is that it?
Look, Jeff, no offense?
Your family is whacked, man.
All right, fine.
Fine. I'm leaving then.
Okay.
This is double-o two.
Come in, double-o one.
Yeah, go, Feege.
Hey, chief, you
remember Rona Mace?
Vaguely.
She's about a heartbeat
away from scratching gravel.
Did you say
"scratching gravel"?
Copy that, chief.
Get Tony and Jimmy
over there.
I'm on my way.
Hang on, honey.
Hey, Murph.
Rone.
Hey, Miss Mace,
seen Ellie?
No.
What?
What's the matter?
Has he apprehended him?
Stay calm.
If we take him down...
I didn't do it!
Put your hands down.
I didn't do it.
Put your damn hands down.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do it either.
Put your
damn hands down.
I didn't mean to kill her.
Listen. Just keep
your mouth shut.
Move over here
and shut up.
Where you goin', Rona?
I'm owed vacation time.
I find that
highly unlikely.
Listen. No son-in-law
of mine is gonna go
to prison, you understand?
Hey! In case anyone
gives a shit,
Jeff Dearly is over at
the cemetery
with a gun to his head.
Holy, shit!
All right, nobody move,
all right?
Tony, Jimmy, just...
Keep everybody here.
Feege, you come with me.
Come on!
Stay here!
Stay calm, all the residents.
Don't let them move.
You got it, boss.
Come on, baby, come on!
Don't move
any closer, sheriff!
I swear to God I'll do this.
No, no, no, no, no!
He's not a sheriff.
Look, Jeff,
I know how upset
you are about your dad.
To hell with him!
Everyone knows he's
not my real daddy.
Then why are you doing this?
'Cause she said she was
gonna marry me.
Who?
She said she was gonna
be my wife.
I don't know who
you're talking about.
Rona!
I love her!
I love you too, baby.
I told you
to stay put!
Jeff, honey, please
don't make me a widow
before we get married.
Do it, Jeff! Do it!
Don't do it! Don't do it!
Don't do it!
You've got your whole life...
Ahead of you...
Well, unless you choose to
blow your brains out, but...
Jeff, don't... Don't do it.
I know you all think
I killed my parents.
We don't think
you killed anybody.
You're full of shit.
Everyone knows I've been
wanting to get back at her...
Ever since that night.
Hey, ma, there's no more beer.
Give me some of yours.
Don't touch
that beer, Jeff.
Oh, come on...
I said...
Was I so wrong?
You bet your ass!
Yeah, but I didn't
kill her.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm glad she's dead
and all,
but I sure as hell
didn't do it.
Jeff, I know
you didn't kill her.
I didn't kill my dad
neither.
Then why don't you
give me the gun.
'Cause my life sucks, man!
Don't do it.
It's not gonna feel good.
Give it a whirl.
You shut up!
You know what?
To hell with all of youse.
This is bullshit.
No! No! Give...
I'm all right.
Is anybody hit?
No.
I'm all right.
I got the gun.
Come back.
You got it?
Okay. All right.
You all right?
Yeah.
Everything
jake here, chief?
Just securing
the circumference.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on,
you little baby.
Come with me.
Am I in trouble?
No. Listen to me
very carefully.
I want you to remember
every word I say.
I spoke
to Clarence earlier,
and these are
the exact words he used.
I'm deeply hurt.
How do you mean?
All this talk
about Ellie's wedding...
And I wasn't even invited.
Of course
you were invited...
You and your wife.
I'm married?
Clarence...
Now, what the hell's
going on?
Oh, you mean
with the damp clothes
and the hair?
That's a start.
That's 'cause just
last night I killed, uh...
Jeez. What the hell's
his name?
Phil Dearly.
I killed Phil.
Hey, Clarence,
give me a hand!
Come on!
Hold on, buddy!
Hang on.
Any reason why?
Any reason?
Well...
You know the night
in question?
I was seeing it
all go down,
and I got to tell you,
it didn't look good
for Bobby.
Phil Dearly knew that Bobby
tried to kill Mona.
Bobby wound up
in the hoosegow...
Pardon?
The jug, the can,
the coop.
If Bobby got thrown
in the pokey,
what kind of life
would that be
for Ellie and the baby?
How did you know
she was pregnant?
The point is, I just
couldn't sit there
and let Phil Dearly...
Take down
the only decent people
still left in this town.
Well, thank you, Clarence,
for the thought, but...
You still did a very,
very bad thing.
To bad people.
So you punctured
the fetzer valve.
Phil cut the brake lines,
then he switched
Mona's keys...
And drove the final nail
into her coffin.
I don't know what to say,
Mr. Rash.
Don't say anything, Bob.
But know this...
I will die
before I ever let you
ruin my daughter's life.
I will hunt you down,
chasing you to the ends
of the earth,
pursuing you relentlessly...
Until I am satisfied
that you know what it is
to suffer the wrath of God.
You will welcome the relief
that death will bring.
Got it?
Got it.
I just want us
to be happy, Bobby.
You, me,
Ellen, the baby...
We're gonna be like
the Von Trapp family.
You know,
The Sound of Music?
The family from Austria
with Julie Andrews...
And all the little kids
singing?
La, la, la, la
ta-da, ta-da, ta-da
Come with me.
Marriage is an institution
not to be entered into
lightly.
So, is there anyone here
who feels that this couple
should not be joined
in holy wedlock?
Last chance.
Okay, so be it.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
In nomine patrius
et filius spiritu sanctus.
Amen.
Come on, what are youse
waiting for?
I'm dying here.
I love you.
I love you too.
Congratulations.
Way to go, Bobby.
If I was
the king of the world
Tell you what I'd do
Throw away the cars
and the bars and the wars
Where's your date?
I don't have a date.
And make sweet love to you
What are you gonna do
afterwards?
Nothing...
Unless somebody dies.
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
Congratulations, you two.
Hi. Uh...
Well, Clarence, buddy,
it's, uh, it's time.
You ready?
Things good, Cubby?
Yeah. How about you?
Okay.
You know I love the ladies
Love to have my fun
I'm a high night flier
and a rainbow rider
A straight-shootin'
son of a gun
Listen
I said a straight-shootin'
son of a gun
Now sing it
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
Ooh joy
joy to you and me
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the world
Joy to the world
Bury me under saltwater
Bury me under the sand
Bury me under the ocean
But bury me
with your own hands
Bury me
under the desert floor
Maybe somewhere near
the Rio Grande
But if you bury me
beside you
Maybe then I'll understand
Bury me inside a subway
In a station no one knows
Bury me
where no one finds me
But bury me
in my own clothes
Bury me under a mountain
Bury me under the flames
Bury me with muddy waters
Under 21 feet
of Mississippi rain
Oh in your sand
Somewhere
Near the Rio Grande
Bury me in your hills
Bury me by the old town
And every summer
near the mouth
Let a warm wind
surround me
And carry my body south
Bury me with all your guilt
and sorrow
Bury me in the back lane
Just bury me beside you
Under 21 feet
of Mississippi rain
Oh
Your sand
Somewhere near
the Rio Grande
Bury me in your hands
In your hands
In your hands
In your hands
Bury me
Bury me
Bury me
Bury me in your hands