Drugstore June (2024) Movie Script

Girls can tell
Girls can tell
Girls can tell
if things are right
When they kiss
a boy goodnight
And I can tell
Look, you know that I get you.
The laziness, the attitude,
the weird sense of humor.
That stuff doesn't bother me.
Actually helps break up my day.
Thank you.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're getting complaints again.
You're infuriating customers.
Okay, but you're the boss,
and you just said
that you get me,
so that's all that matters,
we're good.
June, you understand
you're not a pharmacist.
You can't prescribe medication.
I kind of understand.
You know how you told
Mrs. Coraci
she needed to be on Zoloft
the other day?
She came in for
a colonoscopy prep.
Yeah, and she was way
too stressed out about it.
We had a nice conversation.
I helped her.
Did you know that
she runs sales at Affy Tapple?
The one in the mall?
People just want to get
their medicine in peace
and not get judged
by June the Almighty.
Okay, okay. You're the boss.
Whatever you need, you got it.
Thank you.
Start with her.
Hello, customer.
How may I help you?
Which one of these
is the most reliable?
Well, it depends.
Do you want to be pregnant?
Or do you want it to
be not pregnant?
Why does that matter?
Well, teenagers usually
get Blue Morning,
and couples usually
get First Response.
I just want to know
if I'm pregnant.
Well, just do Blue Morning.
Darling, darlin'
I'm falling, oh
I'm your man
Guess I've been taking
a lot from you
Oh, oh
Searching so long
For the truth
Oh, oh
You hoped that girl would
Chase you out the door
As you think that
it's already too late
Searching for meaning in
a combination of notes
Don't overthink it,
don't overthink it
Tired to wake so early
Get up in the morning
It just hurts
And I think of all of those
Little things
that you and I
Can do
And now I've taken
too many hits
Oh, I'm breaking off
with all that stuff
"Anybody else wants some?"
That's no good reason
I broke up with Edison
I've had enough
And fast times in the park
I'm home!
The assailant's
identities are sill unknown,
however, as they were able
to disable
the security camera.
I said I'm home.
I had sex with an alien.
Shut up, you little twerp.
Long day at work.
You must be starving.
Work was boring,
and I understand you're
insinuating that I'm starving
because I'm a fat toad
who can't stop eating.
Oh, no, that's not, um...
I'll fix you a plate.
It doesn't really look healthy.
-I'll fix you a small plate.
Don't sleep on mom's cooking.
This shit is bomb as fuck.
I'm glad you think gluten
is bomb. I personally don't.
Okay, well, like,
you don't know anything
about anything, so.
Stop touching yourself,
Oh, keep talking,
keep talking.
Ew! Ew! Shut up.
Clean that up, please.
Oh, um. I'm sorry mom.
Thank you, Mom
I love you, Mom.
You are the best mom.
Thank you, Jonathan.
So what's wrong with gluten
all of a sudden?
I'm allergic to it.
Since when?
Mm, probably since I was born.
You guys have actually been
poisoning me up until now.
-She got that test.
-What test? With who?
-With Dr. Weisman.
I told you Dr. Weisman
gave her the allergy test.
Yeah, Dad, this was,
like, six months ago.
Three months before my neck
tingling thing
and a couple of weeks
after my arm tingling thing.
Sweetie, if you're
so allergic to gluten,
then why are you eating
cheeseburgers all the time?
And how about that cupcake
that you've got locked up
in your bedroom?
What you're doing right now
is legally considered
body shaming.
You're creating neural pathways
in my brain
that basically guarantee
the rest of my life
is ruined forever.
I'm gonna break into
your cupcake safe.
No, you're not.
You don't know the combination.
Only me and mom know.
Right, Mom?
I haven't told anyone.
Yeah, well, I'm actually
gonna break into it
and wipe it on my ass
and put it back in.
And you're not even going to
know that I did it, so.
Well, I'm gonna wipe my ass
with your face.
Stop it.
There's nothing wrong
with gluten.
Yes, there is. It's bad.
There are no bad foods.
Yep. Burgers are bomb.
Especially from Freddy's.
Oh, my God, Mom,
he's trolling me right now.
-What did he say?
-No, no, no, he's right.
We're not allowed to go
to Freddy's
just because you're triggered.
That's not fair.
Freddy's is my favorite burger.
Yeah, Freddy's is perf.
I'm gonna be up
in that ho maana.
- Mom.
- No, no, no, no.
You realize that this is
still a free country, right?
And it's not a monarchy.
And this is not
Queen June's private castle.
Just go to a different location.
Why do you have
to go to that one?
Because it's around the corner.
What? I'm supposed to go all
the way to the one across town
just because Davey dumped you?
Well, well,
what's the big deal?
You'll meet someone else.
You're a growing girl.
What is that supposed to mean?
Okay, okay.
There are no bad foods.
And we are not talking about
Freddy's or Davey at the table.
Okay, well,
Davey was a dope as fuck.
That guy was a pimp.
He's talking about sex
trafficking at the dinner table.
And if we're going to dissect
all of my relationships,
then we need
to go around the table,
starting with dad's weird
gambling problem.
For your information,
young lady, it's not a problem.
It's a hobby
pursued by rich people,
famous people, and also me.
Okay, well, I've never been
arrested for one of my hobbies.
Morning, guys.
Uh, I slept okay.
Yeah, I mean, I'm tired.
Oh, my God, you guys
are the best. I love you.
What? Because I don't sleep
in my makeup.
Ew. You're blocked.
Uh, did I dream
about Davey again?
Well, let's see in the past 600
"Wake Up With June" streams,
when have I not?
When did the dreams start?
I would say since we broke up.
Well, yeah, of course
it means something.
I don't know. Maybe pancakes.
Boyz are bad, boyz are bad,
boyz are bad
Boyz are bad, boyz are bad,
boyz are bad
Boyz are bad, boyz are bad,
boyz are bad
This is one of
his favorite songs. Yeah.
Remember, you can listen
to the full Davey playlist
on my Spotify, link in bio.
That's the danger
I brought you
some hot chocolate.
Mom, you're
interrupting my stream.
This is really embarrassing.
Are you getting
any followers with this?
that's so embarrassing.
I don't want them to know
I care about followers, okay?
And no, I don't want
hot chocolate right now.
Okay, fine, fine.
I'll give it to Jonathan.
Wait. I'll take it, I want it.
Thank you.
Are you going
to work today or not?
I don't know, maybe.
Stop interrogating me.
Hi, June Squad.
Uh, my daughter needs
to go to work right now
because she's saving up
to get her own place someday.
That will be in years from now.
And, Mom, I really don't need
you addressing
my squad like that.
But I gave birth to you.
I mean, there
wouldn't be a squad without me.
Oh, my God, why are moms
obsessed with birth?
Uh...um, Bill called
on the landline, June, please.
Okay. Don't use people's
real names while I'm streaming.
I don't care.
I don't want him to get doxxed.
Okay, bye, June Squad.
Oh, well, thank you, JackWolf43.
Okay, okay. You're done.
Mom, you're done. Please go.
-Stop reading the comments.
You're done.
So annoying.
What? Ew! No, you can't have
a three-way with us.
Blocked. Ugh!
Moving at the speed of light,
light on my feet
Bitches act like gettin'
sneaked the typa bitch I be
My history not a mystery,
got 'em missin' me
A thousand look like
a centipede, like infinity
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine. Sorry.
I was just dealing with this
annoying lady on eBay.
I'm trying to sell her
a frickin' platypus Beanie Baby,
and she's having
all these problems.
The hustle never ends.
Yeah, I know, yeah,
no, it doesn't.
Uh, did you find
everything you need?
Oh. Uh, yeah.
Why, you work here or something?
I do. I'm June, at your service.
Oh, uh, Owen.
Pleasure to be serviced by you.
Sorry, that sounded weird.
Uh, it's nice to
meet you, June.
-Got to go.
Bye, Owen.
Be something beautiful
And this diamond ring
Yeah, I was talking to
a pretty enthusiastic girl.
Yeah, I got the stuff.
Won't have to break
like mine did
Oh, my God, did you ring up
that cute guy?
Yeah. June,
he's obviously too tall for you.
Pantyhose, gloves,
three Twix bars.
Fucking marry me.
Hello, sir.
Got your samples.
-June, can you sign, please?
This diamond ring can be
dreams that are coming true
These like super drugs
or something?
VD meds, like gold
to some people.
Yeah, I bet.
I don't suppose
you're looking for a reason
to need these meds.
Are you hitting on me
and saying you're going
to give me an STD?
Damn, you're nasty.
So sorry, sir.
She was just kidding.
Are you trying to get me sued?
I need a coffee break.
You haven't even
clocked in yet!
I haven't been getting paid
for any of this?
Hit the pop rocks,
hit the pop rock
Hit the pop rock,
hit the pop, run it, run it
Give me a double macchiato.
Yes, I'm a knockout
I bring fire when
a Pop-Tart pop out
Born from a volcano
I Drain Gang like a
Oh, my God,
it's really easy.
I've tested so many times
in the last six months.
I just keep Quests
on my home page.
That's great. Sounds like
you have really bad allergies.
Well, technically not yet
because they've all come back
negative, but I keep trying.
Okay, um, can we get back to
my son's prescription, please?
All right. This looks like you.
Um, twice a day with food.
What a cute TikTok bio.
Thanks. Um, now, are there any
side effects
I should know about?
My little Anthony here
has a very sensitive tum tum.
Mommy, I need to go poo poo.
That's his fifth time
going poo poo today.
Any chance you guys
could keep conversations
like that in private?
Some of us lean more
towards constipation,
and it can be really triggering.
What is up with your
generation and being triggered?
Don't ever have kids then.
God forbid.
Do I look pregnant?
Yeah, you look bloated.
She's weird. Come on.
Oh, girl
There's nothing
I'd rather do
Than spend some time
And know you're mine
On a summer's day with you
You gotta stop.
You have got to stop.
Stop what?
Stalking me online.
I thought that blocking you
and unfriending you
would send a message.
But you keep making
these burner profiles.
What? No, those aren't me.
Who else would be
June Loves Boba?
Okay, that one's me.
Um, but I just like
to keep in touch with everybody.
You know, it's not personal.
How was the Grand Canyon,
by the way?
Seems like you guys really
lucked out with the weather.
June, we broke up two years ago.
Okay, who's counting?
What? Did your girlfriend
put you up to this?
I'm sorry that she's still
so threatened by me.
No, no. My fiance, Kelly,
did not put me up to this.
You know, you say that word
like it's supposed
to bother me--fiance--
but it really just rolls
right off me.
Then why are you always
in the parking lot at Freddy's?
You're spying on me!
Do you really think
that I can't recognize you?
Those disguises don't work.
You look ridiculous.
Oh, my God, what's ridiculous
about a ski mask?
We live in a cold city.
Don't make me come back here.
I'll get another
restraining order.
That's fine. Okay.
I'll see you in court,
and I'll wear a cute dress.
Stay away from me,
and I can see you, Bill.
Hey, Davey.
He's in a really
weird mood today.
Mom, I said I would
do it tomorrow.
No, you need
to do it today.
Why? Why do I even
ever need to do it?
It's my room.
I'm the one who lives in here.
No one needs to come in.
For the love of God, June,
I'm only asking you
to clean one room in this house,
your bedroom.
Do I need to call Dr. Weisman
to get a recommendation
for a therapist?
Um, how many tacos do you think
the average person eats
in one sitting?
-I think my stomach hurts.
If you weren't so sedentary,
you could eat
all the tacos you want.
You'll burn calories
cleaning your room.
You're a piglet.
You need to get over it
and go to the gym.
You never even used that free
two week trial that I got you.
And I went out
on a limb to get it.
Oh, my God, all you did
was walk inside and grab
a coupon off a counter.
Anyone can get one of those.
Excuse me. You know
how hard that is for me?
I don't like going places.
Oink, oink, oink,
oink, oink, oink, oink.
Shut up, Jonathan!
You troll!
Put me down after
you have your way with me
I wanna be your toy
Pick me up when
you wanna play with me
I wanna be your toy
I need your touch
to come alive
I need your touch to
come alive
June, I need your
undivided attention.
I need to ask you
something important.
Have you noticed
anything strange about Jonathan?
Mom, why would I notice
anything about Jonathan?
Well, I can't exactly
put my finger on it,
but he's on the computer
all night long.
And I think he's having sex.
With the computer? What?
You know, you never worry
about me this way.
You're always so worried
about Jonathan.
Like, I don't worry about you
and the way that you live.
I mean, look at this.
It's like a--like a cyclone
hit this.
This is bad.
What, is that smell
not normal?
Well, my boob sweat
doesn't smell.
But my mother's did,
and my sister's did.
So... But don't worry about it.
You're fine.
It's--it's--it's normal.
Are you going like that?
What? For what?
The appointment, June.
The appointment you've known
about for two weeks.
No, no.
Hi, guys.
So it's kind of a long-standing
tradition of mine
to get a hot dog
before I see the doctor.
I'm half Jewish, half regular,
so I think traditions
are very important.
That's a June law.
Oh, yeah, that's
Dr. Weisman's office.
Yeah. Thank you.
I don't know why we're going.
My mom's making me.
Hi, June Squad.
June has an appointment today.
Just a checkup. Nothing serious.
With Dr. Weisman.
Dr. Weisman has been serving
our community for some time now.
-Mom, Mom, that's enough.
-He's a wonderful professional.
Mom, can you go make sure
they're giving me
both kinds of relish?
No, I don't have an STD.
That's not why I'm here.
You are blocked.
Knock, knock.
Oh. Sorry to interrupt.
Oh. It's fine.
Go ahead.
Finish the photo shoot.
I got what I needed.
I'm good.
Oh, yeah?
So you just, uh,
put all that stuff out there
for public consumption, huh?
Of course I do. Vulnerability
is really big right now.
Is that what it's called?
Well, I bet you deal
with a lot of perverts, huh?
Wouldn't you like to know?
So, has any of this
Internet stuff helped you
catch a new boyfriend yet?
Uh, I have a lot of options,
but I'd rather not talk
about it with you, Dr. Weisman.
Odd place to draw the line,
but okay.
Let's get this
over with, shall we?
All right, do me a favor.
Take a nice big inhale for me.
Let it out.
Do you like trains,
Dr. Weisman?
I just find myself
loving trains lately.
And routines, schedules,
different models.
It's probably unrelated,
but I notice I'm struggling
-picking up on social cues.
-June, June.
You've been trying
this bullshit for over 20 years.
Okay? I'm not going to diagnose
you as on the spectrum.
Fine. I am going
to diagnose you as an incel.
All right,
let's cut to the chase.
Are you still constipated?
Have you stopped eating
all those peanut butter cups?
My God, why are you obsessed
with my bowel movements?
I'm not obsessed
with your bowel movements.
I'm doing my job.
Do I need to ask your mother if
she needs to come and join us?
I don't know, do you need to?
I'm asking you.
Wait. Why does everyone
want to have sex with my mom?
I don't wanna have
sex with your mom.
-Why are you so defensive?
-I'm not defensive.
If you were going to give me
a consultation
for plastic surgery...
That's not what I do here.
But just, if you were,
what do you think you would do
to my face to make it better?
As far as what?
Just being hotter, prettier.
I'd probably start
with your mouth.
Like lip filler?
No, I would sew
that sucker shut.
I heard your wife
is having an affair.
Well, that was embarrassing.
Oh, my God, who cares?
Dr. Weisman is a loser.
You know if he was
a good doctor,
he'd be in a documentary by now.
But no one wants
his opinion on anything.
We were very lucky to get
another appointment with him.
He reviewed your records, June.
Why do I have to have
another appointment?
Didn't he tell you?
He says you're about 14 years
overdue for an HPV vaccine.
I bet he did.
He only wants me to get it
because he's in love with me
and wants to make sure
I don't have HPV
by the time he's divorced.
Sorry, bro, but statistically,
I will have it by then.
Is he getting divorced really?
Yeah, he said
he's getting divorced
because he can't stop thinking
about me at night.
If you don't go up and ask her,
I'm gonna do it for you.
-No, don't do that.
-No, I really am.
I've got it under control.
I'm doing everything right.
It's gonna happen
when it happens.
No, come on, do it.
Why do you
keep doing this?
You've been working here
for so long, and you deserve it.
I know how these things are
done, and that's not the way
to go about it, okay?
Oh, my God, you said
you blocked her number.
I did block her.
I fucking swear to God.
She knows, like, phone magic.
You know what? Answer it.
Come on, answer it.
Hello, June.
Why are you calling me?
We just went over this.
I don't know.
I guess I'm just following up.
Uh, what's up with you?
I'm eating dinner with Kelly,
my fiance.
Ugh, yucky.
You're on speaker phone.
She can hear you.
- What?!
- Hello, June.
You need to take me
off speakerphone right now.
I can't do that. June.
Look, we went over this.
I'm sorry, I got to go.
No, no, no.
I can explain.
It's just, I can't do it while
she's listening to it.
What the fuck?
Kelly. I'm sorry.
Your temper, like,
come on. It's--
- What the fuck?
- Will you just like--
Hey, how about this?
How about this?
-Come on, have one of these.
You love these? Come on.
-You always feel better--
...with onion rings.
Are you guys
gonna get this guy?
Or are you gonna keep
asking me questions?
So you're not aware of anyone
who may have motive to do this?
Uh, motive to steal
drugs and money?
That's half the people
in this town.
Maybe someone
targeting you specifically.
Do you have anyone
you'd consider,
I don't know, an enemy?
No, no, no,
I don't have any enemies.
I'm not a super hero.
Everyone likes me.
You want to know the truth?
You're coming off
pretty unlikable to me.
-I am?
-Isn't that right, Piazzo?
-Not a good vibe, is it?
-Not a good vibe at all.
That's how it works now?
The police go by vibes?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened in here?
Bill, I can't clean
any of this up.
You don't have to.
-Who are you?
-Who am I? I run this place.
No, she doesn't.
She just works here.
What's your name?
@ForeverJune on everything
except Snap, @JuneForever.
No, honey.
Your real life actual name.
Oh, June.
June Fine.
-You're writing that down?
Why? He just told you
I work here.
That's why. So what is it that
you do here, Miss Fine?
I provide a memorable,
world class customer experience.
And what does that mean exactly?
She runs a register and talks
about 30 percent too much.
Why would someone do this?
We're going to need to catalog
the remainder of your inventory
and determine what's been taken.
You deserve better.
Also, I'm going to need
to talk to you
and June down at the station.
Why? Why me?
- You can drive her.
- Why?
I'll play you for it.
What is
wrong with people?
-Not fucking up my car.
-Not the Neapolitans!
Those are hard to find.
You're enjoying
those suckers, huh?
Did you want one?
Honestly, that's your loss.
With oat milk,
Your Highness.
Wait. What brand oat milk?
Drink the fucking coffee.
That's the brand.
Okay, I have to say,
normally when I see these rooms
on TV, they look so scary.
But now that I'm in here, it is
such a vibe, like it's a mood.
I love how I look
in this mirror.
No one cares.
I need you to start
answering questions, June. Okay?
There were a lot
of controlled substances
taken from that pharmacy.
This is very serious.
I understand,
and now that I'm caffeinated
and had my snack,
I am totally down.
What do you guys want to know?
Where were you last night?
Home with my family, obviously.
Why is that obvious?
Because I don't go out at night
because I get a stomach ache
after I have dinner,
and my car can't be on the road
more than three miles a day.
Can your parents
corroborate that?
Yeah, my mom can for
the food stomach ache part,
and my dad for the car part.
I'm just gonna come
right out and ask it.
No, I will not go out with you.
I'm kidding. Unless you were.
Miss Fine, did you have
anything to do
with the break-in
at the pharmacy?
What? Are you joking?
You'd know if I was joking.
He's hilarious.
I do Comedy Sports
every other Tuesday.
-I would never do anything
to destroy thousands of dollars
worth of ice cream like that.
What's the nature
of your relationship
with Davey Woodbridge?
Um, uh, he's a friend.
-A friend?
-An ex-boyfriend.
Excuse me. Speak up.
He's a friend,
an ex-boyfriend,
which is famously
a type of friend.
Really? Because my friends
usually don't go to a judge
and get a restraining
order against me.
-Oh, my God, I know who did it.
What a way to get me back.
Whom are you referring to,
Miss Fine?
It is just a theory at this
point, but, guys, it was Davey.
He robbed the pharmacy
to neg me.
He's the only person who knows
how much I love that ice cream.
We already spoke
to Mr. Woodbridge.
He has an alibi. He was with
his fiance all night long.
Well, maybe
I should bring him in.
Which one of you
can deputize me?
Look, June, I don't know what
your involvement in this robbery
was, if any.
But I really do
have to tell you,
I am not liking your attitude,
and I am definitely not liking
what I'm seeing in here
or in there.
Well, last I checked,
it's not a crime
to have a bad personality.
That's a good thing for you.
Because you'd have
a life sentence.
I'm saying that overtime
should be a tie, shouldn't it?
I am so mad right now.
No, I'm saying that
it should be a push.
Then I'll take the parlay.
Hello? I just said
I'm so mad right now.
What's wrong, darling?
The pharmacy got robbed,
and the police questioned me.
Like in a bad way.
-The pharmacy got robbed.
What happened?
All the ice cream melted.
-It was awful.
-How's Bill?
-He's fine. Who cares?
But the police are acting like
I had something to do with it.
-Did you?
-No. Obviously not.
Maybe it's not obvious to them.
Mom, I don't have time
to argue with you.
Not after what happened
to the ice cream.
Okay, I'll take
the six and a half.
Thank you.
Wow. Glad to know
that you can't be bothered
when you're on the phone
with your precious bookie,
even though your daughter just
got interrogated by the police.
The good news
is that I was down,
but I clawed my way
back from the dead.
Jesus. The Bulls suck.
Rookie of the year, my ass.
That kid doesn't do shit
to elevate his teammates.
That's what Michael Jordan did,
elevated his teammates.
That's what
this little lovebug does.
Elevates her teammates.
Come on, baby.
It's almost over.
God, you guys set
such a confusing example.
I don't think so.
Sweet pea, you got broken into.
Big deal.
Bill isn't going to use this
as an excuse
to not give you
a raise though, is he?
Because, you know, if you're
going to continue living here,
you really should
start contributing.
Oh, my God, after everything
I just went through?
Hey, I've been questioned
by the police a million times.
Come on.
Ooh. Come on now.
Where are you guys?
I'm carrying this team
on my goddamn back.
I can't find my Nalgene.
Did you take it?
I can't pause this.
I'm online.
Dude, where's my Nalgene?
What would I want to do with
your stupid fucking water bottle
that has your stinky ass breath
all over it?
And nasty...
Maybe I left it at the pharmacy.
Wait, is that--
Is that what you guys
were yelling about downstairs?
Are you, like,
getting locked up?
Why? What did you hear?
Uh, I don't know.
Your shit got robbed.
You got detained.
The cops don't fucking know shit
because they're fucking stupid.
ACAB. Blah, blah, blah,
blah, you know?
Yeah, I am well aware
it's going to be up to me
to solve this case.
And I have my suspicions
about who did it.
Uh, like, who?
Are you kidding me?
Probably someone
trying to frame me.
There is no shortage
of people in this town
who would love
to see me hang for this.
Oh, yeah. I mean, you got
a beef with like everybody.
Oh, don't worry,
I'll be casting a wide net.
As far as I'm concerned,
every single person in this town
is guilty until proven innocent.
Bad! Okay, well, that sounds
super fucking boring.
So if you could, like,
leave me alone, please.
Make me.
Ew! Ugh!
God! Disgusting!
Oh, yeah. Come on now.
My little June.
Will you marry me?
Yes, Davey. Yes.
Davey, Davey.
Davey, Davey, Davey, Davey...
Why did you marry dad?
Oh, why? We were in love.
-Are you still in love?
-Sure we are.
I know he's still in love
with you. He's a sad old man.
But are you still
in love with him?
Did you have another dream
about Davey last night?
You know, you don't always
have to make this
about me and your father.
I just want to know how
I'm going to turn out.
And you and dad
are the only roadmap I have.
June, Davey was your first love.
You will always remember
your first love.
But this is getting ridiculous.
There's so many fish in the sea.
But fish are scary.
Especially the ones in the sea.
Okay, June, you got this.
At the very least, you'll get
a free frosty Freddy out of it.
I'm always losing,
I'm always losing
I'm always losing,
and my self-esteem so low
You got a new friend,
you got a new friend
And I heard he's better
looking than most
Hi. Welcome to
Freddy's Spaceships.
What can I get for you today?
Smells like you guys need
to change your oil.
Yeah, we can check on that.
Would you like to place
an order?
You don't know who I am?
That's okay. You must be new
here. What is your name?
-Hi, Randy. I'm June.
I used to work here.
Are you gonna order something?
Yeah, I will take a double
cheeseburger with ketchup
and mustard instead.
Uh, individual, or would you
like the meal?
I'll take the meal. And, yes,
upgrade me to the Frosty Freddy.
And yes, the extra
$1.79 charge is just fine.
Also, can you tell me
where the manager is?
-The owner?
-No. Not her.
Uh, the manager.
Really cute guy named Davey.
Is something
unsatisfactory here, ma'am?
I told you, my name is June.
I used to work here, and I had
the highest level of clearance.
Where's Davey?
I haven't seen him today.
That's weird because
right here, I have the schedule.
Yep. It says he's on for today.
He picked up a different shift.
Must be with his wife
or something.
Yeah, they're not married.
Kind of makes you
ask yourself why not? Right?
Could you find out
where he might have gone?
Hey, there's some girl here who
wants to know where Davey is.
My name is June.
Her name's June.
Well, well, well.
Look what crawled out
of a rat's ass.
Hi there, Nicole.
-You still owe me $200.
-I do?
Don't play like you
don't know.
Remember the day I fired you?
Do you recall now?
You stole all the ice cream!
You told me
I could take some home.
Did your frozen ass brain
really think
I meant 15 gallons worth?
Where you even put it all at?
You never specified an amount.
I took home some ice cream.
I heard the pharmacy got robbed.
It did.
Well, maybe Bill know
the type of people
he got around him now.
What? If you steal from me,
why wouldn't you steal from him?
I would never do anything
to hurt Bill.
Now, where's Davey?
You don't get it,
do you, little girl?
You got dumped.
He don't want you no more.
And Jesus, you still live
at home with your mama.
Why would an attractive
guy like Davey
even want somebody like you?
I don't know if you know this,
but his girlfriend
is hot as hell.
What? Your little tummy hurt
from all the cupcakes
you've been eating?
Your mommy and daddy can't
help you with your problems?
I got the double
cheeseburger, no sauce,
and the Frosty Freddy.
Change your damn oil.
Oh, really? Hey, be sure
to give Bill my blessings.
Did she pay?
Of course not.
Little bitch.
Perfect timing.
We just started dinner.
That's okay, I already ate.
I'll make you a plate.
Mom, I need to tell you
something. It's important.
Don't worry.
I know how to hide your plate.
Trust me.
Your father will never find it.
If I do find it,
I'm going to sprinkle gluten
all over it.
Look out!
Yeah, Daddy
don't want your damn plate.
Mom, I think I've realized
that life is short,
and I think I'm going to start
doing some investigatory work.
And I also think that maybe
I'm going to move out.
That's great.
June's moving out!
- Really?!
- Yes!
I said I think
I'm going to move out.
Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
Never mind.
She's just thinking about it.
Your plate will be
under the bathroom sink.
Thank you.
Is that a fingerprint?
You must be really bored.
Huh? What are you doing here
at the scene of the crime,
after hours?
I own this place.
What are you doing here?
Right, well,
I'm collecting evidence.
Okay? So you're welcome.
I didn't know you cared
about this place so much.
That's nice.
It's just
Davey is such an asshole.
Oh, it's about Davey.
That makes more sense. Mm.
Like, why wouldn't
we be together, you know?
We were so comfortable.
Life's not always about
being comfortable.
It should be. I fucking love
being comfortable.
What I'm saying is sometimes
we have to put ourselves
out there and take a risk.
That's all.
I'm risk averse.
That's not for me.
Channel all this Davey energy
into finding someone new.
Have the cops called?
Do they have any suspects yet?
No, no, but I feel like
I'm one of their top suspects,
which is bullshit.
How did that happen?
They asked me how much
money I make,
and I told them that Cindy and I
were saving up for a new house.
And then they insinuated
that it's a big scam
for a big payout.
I knew those detectives
were useless.
I bet they're on the take,
whatever that means.
Now the insurance company
won't cover anything
until I'm cleared
in the investigation.
That is Jack and Rose
level unfair.
Hey, does your dad
still gamble?
Ugh, so embarrassing
of you to ask, but yes. Why?
Can you, uh, hook me up
with his bookie?
Dude, you do not want
to go down that road.
In fact, stay off
all roads my dad's on.
Cindy really wants that house.
Maybe I can make
some extra cash by betting.
No, no, no, no,
Cindy would not want that.
I'm not gonna tell her.
I wonder if my dad
lies to my mom.
He definitely does.
If you really want to be
part of that world,
there's that bar
on Friar Street.
It's where all the old
miserable men hang out.
I don't know
if my immune system
is strong enough to go in there.
It's probably not. Ooh!
Oh, my God. What if one
of those losers knows something?
Which losers?
Knows something about what?
About the robbery.
Isn't that what criminals do?
They sit around and play pool
and drink beer
and talk about their crimes?
You watch too many movies.
Let's go.
-Right now?
-I'm serious.
Let's go right now.
We could have sold those.
Is everything about money
with you, Mr. Krabs?
We need energy. Let's go.
All right, let me
do all the talking.
As if anyone could stop
that from happening.
Hello, sir.
We'd like to come in.
Y'all together?
- Yeah.
- What does it look like?
A nightmare.
Go ahead, man.
Well, don't you want
to see our IDs?
Nah. I'm good. Go ahead.
Well, what if I'm not 21?
Oh. You are.
You are definitely 21. Plus.
Go on inside.
I don't think you're
very good at your job.
Go, June.
I'm sorry, dawg.
Just--I know.
Very kind of you.
You've been making your
brags around town
That you've been
a loving my man
It's so loud.
It smells weird in here.
When he picks up trash
He puts it in a garbage can
Where are you going?
And that's what you look
like to me and what I see
You better close your face
and stay out of the way
Hey, is there like a scooper
or a popcorn attendant?
Hey, mama.
Popcorn is for players.
Well, whose
stupid rule is that?
Technically not on the books,
but unofficial house policy.
Is this your house?
No, this is not my house.
By the way, baby doll.
My name is Crawford.
Okay, Crawford,
if it's not your house,
then I guess I have to ask,
who made you
lord of the popcorn?
You wanna come over here?
I'll, uh, give you a lesson.
-I tried to be sanitary.
No, you didn't.
You'll bite off more
than you can chew
If you get too cute or witty
You better move your feet
if you don't wanna eat
A meal that's
called Fist City
What'll it be?
Oh, uh, do you guys have
Pacific Barista Blend oat milk?
If it's not up there,
then we don't got it.
I'm good with popcorn. Thanks.
No you're not.
If you sit at the bar,
you have to order a drink.
What? Why are there
so many rules in this place?
I feel like I'm back in school.
Most of the men at this bar
right now
can't go within
500 feet of a school.
Now, what'll it be?
Um, I've actually
never ordered at a bar before.
Good God. Okay.
How about a Shirley Temple?
Yes. Oh, my God,
I used to drink those at all
the bar and bat mitzvahs.
Generously grenadine'd please.
Once in a while
when I'm dreaming
Hello, amigo.
What are you guys playing?
-Playin' darts.
I like your mustache.
Look, I got the same.
We're the same.
I won't be alone, and I know
I'll never be blue
Happy now,
It's actually so good.
Thank you.
I'm so happy that you're happy.
Any chance you want
to help me out a little more?
No, not really.
Who's the guy
all the degenerate loser dads
come in here
and place their bets with?
No clue what you're
talking about right now.
Let's try this. Have you seen
a guy come in here who's older,
looks kind of like me,
angry all the time?
You actually look
like a lot of guys
-I've seen in here.
-Right. Okay.
Well, one of those
misfits is probably my dad.
And just to give you
a little back story,
he never taught me
how to ride a bike.
I have a feeling
there's a lot of things
your dad didn't teach you.
You're right. Oh, my God.
Okay, so now you get me. Yeah.
He didn't teach me how to swim.
There's a lot.
But is there anything
you can tell me about my dad
that I might not already know?
Look, did you hit your head
or something on the way in here?
Shirley Temple's on the house.
Don't worry about it.
But I have to go tend
to my regulars now.
And I suggest that whatever
daddy issues you have,
you deal with with a therapist
and not a bartender.
Dream my life away after
If I still
All right, Crawford,
you're up next.
Hey there, Crawford.
Thought maybe we could have
a little chit chat.
Hey, baby boo,
did you come over here
to get some more
of your corn pop?
Seriously, what do you want?
We got money on this game.
Well, that is really
good news to me,
because that means you are
the exact type of dudes
I'm looking to chat with.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you're participating in
illegal gambling, so, you know,
you know stuff
about criminality.
Hey, keep your voice down.
I'm looking for information
about a robbery.
See that gu--
And Bill's asleep.
Anyways, he happens
to own a pharmacy
that got knocked off
the other night.
Crawford, it's your shot.
And can we get this rat terrier
out of here?
I'll have you know
that everyone in my life agrees,
if I were a dog,
I'd be a King Charles Cavalier.
So nice try.
But you embarrassed yourself.
And also, sir, how long have
you been an unemployed criminal?
Why are you recording this?
I do have a modest amount
of followers,
but they have
a lot of time on their hands.
Crawford, come on.
Hey, hey, come on.
Take it easy.
I'll tell you what you want.
What do you got?
Yeah, I heard about a few
break-ins at some places,
but I don't know anything
about who did it.
And I support pharmacies.
I'm pro drug.
Yeah, I can tell
by those pupils.
This is because of
my anxiety, okay?
If you're going to
post that, don't tag me.
My account's already
been suspended
twice for misinformation.
That's the least surprising
thing I've heard all day.
Look, I don't plan to post it,
but if I don't get what I need,
I certainly will.
All right.
You didn't hear it here, okay?
Might want to talk to
that girl across the street.
What girl?
At the weed store.
She works the cash register.
I really don't love weed.
Or that you're passing me off
to someone else.
But you're lucky.
I relate very well to girls
who work at cash registers.
So we're good?
We're amazing.
Oh, since we're good, maybe,
uh, give me a follow on Insta.
That's really embarrassing.
So I eat the whole bar,
thinking it's just like
a Girl Scout candy bar
or some shit.
And that was
the mushroom chocolate.
So I was tripping B-A-L-L-S.
All I do is smoke weed all day.
Yo, stop with this
fucking conversation.
Jenny, it's a weed store.
Stupid conversation is
par for the course.
Ugh, God, it smells
in here, too.
What's up? Welcome to Puffers.
Interested in
any of our pre-rolls?
Pre-rolls? Is that like
a buttered cinnamon thing?
We don't have cinnamon,
but we do have blueberry
and sour apple.
Can I ask you,
do you feel safe here?
Yeah. They cool.
That's Gary, the owner.
-What's up? What you need?
Um, I'm looking for someone
or something.
We got flower, oil, edibles.
Oh, no, actually, uh, this guy
across the street told me
you might be the right person
to get the hot gossip from.
Which dumbass told you that?
I'll never reveal my sources.
But it was Crawford.
Of course he did.
And he begged you
to follow him, too, right?
He did. It was cringe.
Wait. Who are you?
Sorry. Hi. I'm June.
It's really nice to meet you.
June, what's up? I'm Jenny.
So, Jenny, do you know
anything about a pharmacy
robbery here in town?
And I'm cool.
I'm not like the cops.
I don't know about cool,
but you shady. I fuck with it.
Y'all heard anything
about a pharmacy getting robbed?
I don't watch the news.
All I'll do is smoke weed.
Now, when you say pharmacy,
do you mean dispensary?
Because in Europe, they actually
call dispensaries pharmacies.
We are not in France!
What the hell that got
to do with anything?
I can't keep up
with this conversation.
I do love baguettes and
French onion soup, but--
Well, we can go
even deeper and
talk about how back in the day,
pharmacies stateside
used to be called drug stores.
And now there are stores
where you can buy drugs.
Oh, yo, it's a pull.
Oh, shit. Oh, fuck!
-Fuck, fuck!
-Get on the ground!
-Fuckin' move!
-Take it, take it, take it.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Oh! Ha-ha.
I just want to say that
I didn't smoke any marijuana,
but I saw him do it.
Please arrest him.
You think we're fucking cops?!
We're the opposite of cops!
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
You see these? If I break them,
I'm gonna break yo ass.
Yeah, cut her some
She gets so clumsy
with those things.
Dude, she's not gonna
bang you anytime soon.
You don't know, man.
People kind of bond
over shared trauma.
Not this motherfucking time!
Just keep putting
the money in the bag.
-Whoa! What'd you say?
I said weed, bro.
That's all I do.
That's all I give a fuck about.
You got a problem?
Whoa, whoa!
What's with this guy?
Don't shoot him. There's
something wrong with him.
-Yeah. Weed.
-No, no, Gary's actually, like,
mad smart.
This dude invents stuff
all the time.
-Yeah, he made this thing
called the weed whacker.
You could, like,
smoke out of it.
It was a bong meets
a Fleshlight.
You can light it,
and then you can ride it.
-Puff, puff, smash.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shark Dank.
This is taking way too long.
Come on, let's go.
Here! Damn!
Wait a second. I know you.
Oh, shit. June?
Oh, my God,
you remember my name?
You fucking know her?!
It's a long story.
-Plot twist.
-I knew this bitch was shady.
We gotta take her with us.
Shit! She's--Yeah. You got to
come with us.
I'm sorry, I can't.
I have a plate at home
waiting under the sink for me.
Plate's got to wait.
Let's go, let's go.
-Don't fucking move!
-Whoa, whoa. No hero.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
We are very, very sorry.
This is all we know.
You are so fucking useless.
You know that?
This is the third
time this week!
When are you going
to fire him?
Come on.
What do you mean
it's a long story?
It's a long story.
Are you on apps again?
No, and I would never
tell you that.
I was about to go live.
Yeah, that's why
I took it off you.
-Okay, but where are we going?
-For a little drive.
Well, my friend Bill,
he's across the street still.
He'll be fine. Get in.
Whoa! This is a cool car.
You know, I really need
to sell my car.
Have you guys used CarMax? Ow!
-Oh, my God, get in the car.
-Oh, my God.
I heard it's good.
Yo, yo, who the fuck is this?
Hi. I'm June.
Why are you here?
It's Owen's new girlfriend,
-Max, don't start.
-Oh, my God. Did he say that?
-Did you say that?
-No, I didn't.
No, you recognized--She
recognized me in the dispensary.
Sorry, I have this thing
where whenever I see
a hot guy's hands,
I never forget them.
- Wait. You know this bitch?
- Just drive, JD.
Wait a second.
Did you just call me a bitch?
I've been telling you,
you can't use that word anymore.
-Fuck off!
-Everyone shut up!
Yo, what are we
supposed to do now, man?
The plan stays the same.
It's not changing.
We're still going back to base.
Oh, my God, is the plan
to sell me into sex slavery?
What? They're made
out of buckwheat.
You think buckwheat cancels out
all the maple syrup you used?
That's a stupid
amount of sugar.
Sugar is related to, like,
so many diseases.
You didn't know this?
Wait. Side note.
Have you guys tried the popcorn
at that scary place across
the street from the weed store?
They use a lot of salt,
and I think they're actually
using a really good,
high quality oil.
I approve.
-What is she talking about?
-No, that's--that's facts.
Dante's is hella salty.
Thank you.
Just like you.
I'm just playing.
Anybody who could destroy
a stack of pancakes
like that is cool with me.
June, serious note.
You're not going to
rat us out, are you?
Well, if I'm being honest,
at first, I was really scared.
But now, as far as
I'm concerned,
you guys are just hot
Uber drivers.
So you're not pissed
that we stuck a gun
in your face and kidnapped you?
Why are you talking quiet?
Are we all talking quiet now?
Aare--are you going to
tell anyone what we did?
Oh, no. You guys saved me.
That weed store
shouldn't be in business.
That guy Gary, ugh.
I believe her.
Yeah. Me too.
I'm honestly just so glad
now I know who robbed
the pharmacy.
What's she talking about?
June, that was a dispensary.
Oh, my God, now you're
like the annoying weed people.
It's not a pharmacy because
weed comes from the ground,
so it's not really drugs,
and blah, blah, blah.
See, that's that sugar high
I was talking about.
Crash incoming.
June, are you talking about
the pharmacy where you work?
Yeah. What?
Oh, my God, are you trying to
say this is all
some sort of a coincidence?
Wait, what
is a coincidence?
The pharmacy robbery,
and then the weed store robbery.
That was all you guys.
-Chill, chill.
Do you want
to maybe just...
Yeah. Sorry.
That was all you guys, right?
Look, if we robbed a pharmacy,
we would be proud of that.
That would be
a huge step up for us.
- That'd be a flex.
- June, we didn't rob
the pharmacy.
You know that, right?
Relax. I'm not going to turn
you in for that either.
I don't care.
I just need to make sure
that Bill's name is cleared
so he can get
his insurance money.
Okay? Can I please
have my phone now? Thank you.
-No. Definitely not. No.
-We're not stupid, June.
-We're smart as fuck.
I just ate a plate full
of food in front of three men.
I'm gonna need
to check my teeth.
Let me see.
-Yeah. You're fine.
-Thank you.
What the fuck is this
cute shit?
How long are we gonna
stay here for?
Not much longer, okay?
Just relax.
What's everyone gonna
get for dessert?
-Jesus Christ!
-Dessert after pancakes.
This bitch got
a sweet tooth on her.
- Okay. Hello, diabetes.
- You just had dessert.
I'm sorry I didn't eat
before I got kidnapped.
I mean, some people say
a gluten free diet
is actually worse for you.
That's not true.
Home sweet home.
Yeah, make yourself
My mom would love
to tell you guys
how to clean this place
and then just clean it herself.
Want a beer, June?
No, thanks. I don't drink.
Do you have a problem
or something, or...?
No, I just don't drink.
I've never tried alcohol.
How is that even possible?
Yeah. You weird as fuck.
Yeah. No shit. I'm weird.
I'm weird. My parents are weird.
My face is misshapen.
My leg hair grows way too fast.
Don't look at it right now.
And, yes, I cheated
my way through school,
and I didn't really
learn anything.
Now we all know each other.
I got a weird ass face, too.
Guess I'll drink
both of these.
Maybe you have a problem.
Count it, JD.
Okay, wait, so he just, like,
tells you guys what to do,
and then you do it?
That's like a little sad, right?
I don't think it's sad.
You know, because we're a crew.
We're best friends, and we each
have individual jobs.
It's like, I'm the enforcer,
the muscle.
I'm the muscle, too.
I just drive because
I'm the only one with a license.
Yeah, and you did
a great job tonight.
He was awesome.
Okay, wait. This is fun.
What am I? Damsel in distress?
June, get in here,
Keep counting.
Hey, do you think it's sad
that we gotta count the money?
Dude, don't let her
get inside your head.
Not in my head. This is
my favorite part of the job.
Oh my God,
are we about to have sex?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, you invited me
into your bedroom.
This is not my bedroom at all.
No, relax. This is just a place
we can lay low for a minute.
It's nothing permanent,
so it's no big deal
you know about it.
I'm gonna drop you off
at the next check point.
Sit down. Please.
You're making me really nervous.
I bet I can guess, like,
everything about you.
Oh, yeah?
I bet you played sports.
Every guy played sports.
Why'd you quit?
Well, do you have any idea
how hard it is
to get into the big leagues?
No, I hate sports.
They're boring.
Yeah. Me too.
I only did it
because my dad wanted me to.
And, uh, he's dead now, so...
Sorry. Uh. I don't know.
My mom and dad make me do stuff
I don't want to do all the time.
God. Doing laundry,
getting my hair cut, washing it.
Feeding parking meters.
Yeah, anyway, I dropped out
of community college,
and everything
kind of went wrong, so...
Yeah, I...I can see that.
Oh, none taken.
So, what about you?
What's your story?
Oh. Uh, nothing.
I mean, I'm not out here
robbing pharmacies.
I'm just like a totally cool,
normal girl.
Let me guess. You're single.
I'm between relationships.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Uh, he dumped me
a couple of years ago, amicably.
And now he's engaged
to someone else.
Well, that's messed up.
You're definitely odd.
You seem like a nice person.
That's really sweet
of you to say.
It actually is so sweet,
it reminds me of my favorite
candy bar, which is a Twix.
You like Twix? That's crazy.
I love Twix. They're like
my favorite candy bar, too.
Oh, my God,
what a coincidence.
You know, it's almost like
the universe just has us
bumping into each other
for some sort of reason.
Hi, baby.
So sorry I spent more than
five minutes away from you.
That's okay, darling,
as long as I always
have your location on my phone.
Dude, what the fuck?!
Jonathan, get out of my fantasy!
You think I wanna be
in your fantasy?
This fucking sucks!
Push! Come on, June.
Push! Big push!
Oh, my Gosh.
She's so beautiful.
she is so beautiful.
She's not as pretty
as me, though.
No, no.
-Oh. Look at you go.
-Yes, come to Mommy.
Look at you go.
Look at those baby steppy-steps.
Happy birthday to you
-Good job!
-Yay, baby!
You got all five.
- That's my baby.
- We love you!
June, June?
You chill?
Um, I'm feeling a little faint.
Do you guys have any snacks?
Put your hands up!
Hands in the air now!
Hands in the air now!
More robbers?!
Ooh, much better this time.
It's the same exact coffee.
Mm-hmm. I could also see that.
So, you have a knack
for getting mixed up
in grand larcenies?
If you mean I have a knack
for playing the victim,
then you'd be correct.
Because I was cast
as Blanche Dubois
as a first year repertory
student in theater class.
Very rare.
-No one gives a shit.
-Oh, my God.
June, help us out here.
Help us to understand, June.
The arresting officers
said that it looked as though
you and one of the suspects
were about to have sex in front
of the two other suspects.
Really? They said that?
Why didn't you put up
much of a fight?
I mean, I get it, he's hot,
Well, A, I'm not
exactly John Wick,
and, B, I'm friends with Owen,
and he told me
he was going to let me go.
Yeah, just how well
do you know Owen?
I've technically only
known him for a day.
We met at the pharmacy, and then
I ran into him at the pot store.
Then we had
this kind of wild night.
It was fun to be carefree,
off my phone.
Which, by the way,
when can I get that back?
June Squad needs these updates.
So you met Owen, who just robbed
the dispensary you were in,
at the pharmacy
where you work?
-Which was also robbed.
Yeah, I know it sounds bad,
but I asked Owen
if he did our robbery,
and he said no.
Oh, well, if he said
he had nothing to do with it...
-That's that.
-...then what are we
even doing here?
I haven't had lunch.
We should probably just go.
You guys are really judgy.
Maybe if you'd be
a little more open minded,
you would have apprehended
someone by now.
Telling us how
to do our job, huh?
Owen McEvoy is building up
quite the sheet
for someone his age.
That's actually a really
good picture of him.
God, mugshots are so sexy.
Can I do, like, a novelty
souvenir one before I go?
What do your parents think of
a guy like this?
Do they approve of him?
Not that I care,
but they haven't met him yet.
Oh, don't worry, they will.
-What do you mean?
-Oh, they're on their way
down here right now.
That's what I mean by that.
-Because we called them, June.
And I can't wait to tell them
all the details of this case.
Like how their daughter
appears to be a pothead
who's cavorting all over town
with a known thief
and conspired to rob
her workplace with him.
I wasn't cavorting with him.
I don't even know
what that word means,
so I definitely wasn't doing it.
I told you,
I met him at the pharmacy,
and then I ran into him
at the disgusting pot store,
and I just noticed him
right away
because I never forget a face
that makes me hot and ready.
Hot and ready?
What the hell does that mean?
-Well, I don't like
the word "horny," so I say
hot and ready instead
because it sounds cuter
and it reminds me of pizza.
Okay, so you were just doing
a little marijuana
shopping, then?
I told you I was conducting
a private investigation.
But you're not licensed
to do that, Miss Fine.
Then Owen, the man you
randomly met at your workplace,
holds up the place that you're
in and then takes you hostage.
You expect us to believe
that this is all coincidence?
Do you think we're stupid?
You're the common
denominator here, June.
I know it's wild,
and it would be one hell
of a Dateline episode.
Oh, my God, the poor man
that ends up with her.
Excuse me?
What were you doing
at Dante's bar?
Is it a crime to be there?
it's a free country,
but a lot of unsavory characters
hang around that place, June.
Maybe you met a guy
named Crawford.
He's got a few priors
under his belt.
I don't remember.
The popcorn tasted good.
That's all I know.
We both know that your
deadbeat dad
hangs out there, June.
He's got a bit of a problem,
doesn't he, June?
Don't be mean, okay?
I'm the only one who's allowed
to make fun of my dad's disease.
So answer
the question.
What were you doing
at Dante's Bar?
Somebody has to
get justice for Bill.
Oh, that would look so cute
on a T-shirt.
June, you are not
a police officer.
When are you going to get that
through your thick,
entitled millennial skull?
It is so embarrassing to say
the "M" word
and especially
adding "thicc" in the mix.
Ew, I hate you.
Well, we hate you back.
Can I take this home?
-No, you cannot.
I am not listening
to that crap right now.
Why not?
We just had to pick
you up at jail!
Well, actually,
it was the police station.
You know, I was hanging out
with a cute guy.
I thought maybe my family
would be happy for me.
Do you realize how strong
your grandchildren's genetics
would be if I breed with
a hot criminal?
The police showed
us his picture.
Strong jaw. I like that.
Jonathan, I hope you're learning
from your sister's mistakes.
Deffo, Dad. Uh, you're wild
out of pocket, sis.
Mom, tell him to shut up.
- Shh.
- You know, I can't even
understand what he's saying
90 percent of the time.
But I would rather have
a jive turkey for a son
than a jailbird for a daughter.
Mm-hmm. Got your white ass.
Can you both
just calm down, please?
She's been through something.
Hey, June, uh,
did you lez out in the joint?
Why do you care, freak?
June, even if you did,
we still love you.
You go into the bar,
ask a bunch of stupid questions.
You bring up
my personal business.
You could have
gotten yourself hurt.
These bookies don't mess around.
They don't like attention.
They're going to be
all over my ass now.
Mom, is there still a plate
for me under the sink?
Oh, yes, I put it in the back
of the refrigerator
just before we left.
Stay out of that bar.
Let that be my thing.
Just let that be a dad place.
Yo, pass the Oxford?
No, because dad said no music.
Pass him the cord.
Ha-ha! Thanks, brother.
You're being punished.
I can't believe
after all that's happened,
you're still thinking
about Davey.
Why do you do that to yourself?
Move on already.
Take some time if you need it.
Can it be paid leave?
I heard the insurance payout
was good.
I'm not gonna lie. It was.
Maybe we can figure
something out.
No. It's okay.
I don't need special treatment.
So, what do you want
from me, June?
I don't know.
You're kind of like a doctor.
Maybe just tell me what to do.
Okay, so first off,
Davey is basically married,
and you're not going to
get back together with him,
so stop thinking about it.
Secondly, maybe get a therapist,
and possibly more than one.
Right, right. Okay.
But like, on the other hand,
what if I just face
my problems head-on
and I go and I talk
to Davey myself?
Are you listening to me?
Stop thinking about it.
I thought you said the guy
that kidnapped you was cool.
What was his name?
Owen. What about him?
Mm, he drinks beer
and smokes pot.
So what?
It's legal to do both.
I mean, we did have
a surprisingly good amount
of chemistry,
but I worry it wouldn't be there
if we were in
a non-high pressure situation.
You'll literally do anything
not to move on from Davey.
I mean, there's no need
to throw the baby out
with the bath water.
Stop saying stuff like that,
all right?
You don't know what it means.
That might be true.
I'm sorry
I didn't catch the thief.
And I'm sorry
those dumb detectives
just closed the case
with no suspects.
It's fine.
The policy covered everything.
It's better than ever.
Okay, good.
I almost want to thank
whoever did it.
They're probably having
sex somewhere, though.
Why are you fantasizing
about the robbers' sex life?
I'm not fantasizing about it.
They got all the Valtrex.
They got more of that
than the Adderall and the Xanax.
Ew, weird.
Thank you for trying,
though, June. I appreciate it.
You're right. I did try.
I'm gonna get another one
before my break's over.
I don't think you should.
Okay. You're right. I won't.
This is good enough.
I have something I want
to get off my chest.
That's going to be a lot of
plucking, from what I've heard.
You told her
about my nipple hair?
I didn't tell--
No. That's something
I heard through the grapevine.
Oh, cool.
Are you like a wine aunt?
Can I talk to you privately?
Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front
of my fiance.
Okay, fine. In fact, I think
everybody should hear this.
I'm a loser. I know.
And your little Facebook group
is right about me.
I have no life.
I'm scared.
I'm obsessed with you.
I have no aspirations,
no dreams, no hobbies.
And I'm very bored, basically.
And you know what?
It's not my parents fault.
And it's not your fault.
It's mine.
And just because
I took your virginity--
David, please tell me
that's not true.
-It's not.
-Right out here
in this parking lot.
-That is disgusting.
-It's not true.
-I don't know--
-That's disgusting.
And just because we both love
eating cheeseburgers
three or four nights a week,
that doesn't necessarily mean
that we're soulmates.
So I have decided
that we should not be together.
- Oh.
- And you guys are free.
You're free to go off
and get married
and be happy and have
your fully Gentile children.
I'm not going to
stalk you anymore.
Thank you, June.
What did you ever see
in this psycho?
Just--just let it go.
For the record,
you're both losers, too.
You're just busier than me.
Take a fry for the road.
I'm sorry I got us
banned from Freddy's,
but at least Nicole
comped our last meal.
What exactly is your problem?
Why are you like this?
Hm, I wonder.
Are you saying it's our fault,
that we're to blame?
Well, that's not fair.
Your mother and I
did not teach you
-to behave like this.
-I certainly didn't.
No, well, I think you guys
did a great job
raising my ratchet sister.
I'm not ratchet. Okay?
She started it.
Oh, June, you got a...uh...
in your hair.
Oh, I don't want to have
to shampoo tonight.
Oh, yeah. You got something.
Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no, Jonathan.
-Leave her alone.
-Sorry, Mom.
You know, I thought maybe
you guys would be proud of me.
Oh, we're proud of you
for fighting in public
and getting us 86'd
from our favorite burger place.
Thanks a lot.
I bet Davey's upset.
I bet he is, too,
because I told him
I'm not interested
in him anymore.
Is that true? Really?
You're lucky no one
called the cops.
You know, you could use
vinegar to get the grease out.
You wouldn't even
need the shampoo.
Thanks, Mom.
Man, this crime family
is bumming me the fuck out.
Guys, the only way
I can calm down right now
is if we listen
to some lo-fi chill beats.
Come on. It's your turn.
Babe, we've gone over this.
I'm the brains.
You're the brawn.
That means you do
what I say while I sit here
and look cute, remember?
Wow, you're so ruthless.
I know.
Now give me a forehead kiss.
You know, it's not even
a maximum security prison,
so it's kind of chill.
He even gets to keep
his own magazines.
Are you gonna visit him?
They don't allow
conjugal visits,
so I'll probably just wait out
the 14 months.
Very progressive of you
to even consider
dating a known felon.
I know.
It's kind of wild,
but ever since we got robbed,
I just want to stay
out of my comfort zone.
How do your parents feel
about the possibility?
Um, they're happy, you know,
as long as I'm not
talking about...you know who.
Your whole family's evolved.
Well, everyone except
my brother. He's still a loser.
Right. Are you going to move
out and get your own place now?
Mm, no, but I could see myself
getting off their phone plan
Oh, I messed it up.
Start over.
One, two, three...
I'm sorry I went
to your gambling bar.
It's fine. I think they
all kind of fear me now.
In a good way.
Oh. Cool.
So you definitely didn't rob
the pharmacy to, like,
pay off a bookie
or something, right?
-It's fine if you did.
I won't tell anyone.
I mean, I'll probably
blackmail you
into buying me a new car, but--
Why would I rob the only
place my daughter can get a job?
I don't know, it doesn't seem
that far-fetched to me.
I've just been racking
my brain over and over again
trying to figure this out.
First of all,
I can tell you this.
That the simplest explanation
is usually the correct one.
And secondly,
I'm up with all my bookies.
I don't owe anyone shit,
especially not my kid.
Does Mom know
about your winnings?
You're good. All right.
It's been a while since
I gave you any allowance.
I'm gonna go get some more milk.
All I'm saying is,
I think Dad might be up.
You should check with him.
Junebug, if I was really
concerned about
your father's gambling,
I wouldn't have married him.
No, no. Please continue.
Who else would you like
to tattle on?
I wish I had something
to tattle on Jonathan for
'cause I hate him.
You know,
Jonathan is not a stooge.
He's capable of a lot more
than you give him credit for.
I mean, I'm not saying
he's a mastermind
or that he's got
some proclivity for genius.
No, but there is something
about him that's very clever.
Something that people
don't really see on the surface.
They're blinded by his language
and his shenanigans, I suppose.
No, as a child, he had a way
to kind of feel
out the situation,
get what he wanted out of it
without anyone even knowing.
Now, you, on the other hand,
you know,
I see myself in you,
but more around the age of five.
Yo, uh,
you're in my space.
Get out of here.
Do you have anything you want
to say to me?
Uh, yeah.
Get out of my room.
Why'd you do it?
Uh, I didn't touch your stupid
fucking cupcake, okay?
I don't even know
the combination.
And you never will.
But let's stay on topic.
Why did you rob my pharmacy?
Uh, yeah. Right. Why would I--
Yeah. Why would I do that?
Oh, okay. No worries.
I'm just gonna go tell
Mom and Dad
that you stole Xanax
and Adderall from my workplace.
Wait. Uh, okay. It's--
It's not what it looks like.
All right?
Help me understand, Jonathan.
It's hard to talk about.
If you have a problem,
we can get you help.
It's not something you can fix.
It's like permanent.
I'm sure everyone who does
drugs feels like that.
No, I sold
the Xanax and Adderall.
Okay? I just took those
to throw the cops off.
I know you're a drug head.
Stop lying to me.
What are you talking about?
I just smoke weed.
It's legal, June.
Okay, so if this is all some
big ploy to throw off the cops,
why did you rob us?
For what? The Valtrex?
What? That for people
who have herpes.
Someone had sex with you?
Ew! How? Who?
I don't know, I mean,
my DMs are popping right now.
I don't know, I think it was
maybe this one girl.
She, like, lives in the back
of a pet store.
Ugh, Mom was right.
Why didn't you just call
Dr. Weisman?
I mean, he could have
prescribed the shit,
but then he would have
told Mom and Dad.
I'm not like you, June.
I don't have to share
everything with them.
All my sicknesses.
You know. Me out here.
We're different in that way.
I gotta hand it to you.
I'm impressed.
You had sex with a person,
and you robbed my pharmacy
and got away with it.
Well played.
Well, thank you.
I mean, it was mostly
YouTube tutorials
at the end of the day,
but, look, I'm impressed
with you because,
I mean, it's cool
you cracked the case.
That's amazing.
Thank you.
However, you caused
a lot of pain
and suffering for Bill and me,
especially for me.
Okay, that's...that's my bad.
But you're not--
You're not going to tell
Mom and Dad, right?
I don't have to.
As long as you commit right now
to being my servant for a year.
Okay. Fine. Yes. Great.
Yeah, I'll do that.
You have to like and share
every June Squad post,
including my live streams.
Okay. Come on. Seriously?
Okay. Okay. Yes. Yeah.
Great. Yes. Okay, fine.
Pleasure doing
business with you.
You can consider me
your parole officer.
I take my breakfast cereal
with oat milk.
I have a PO?
That's kind of hard.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, honestly, the last
few days have been crazy,
but also kind of fun.
I don't know.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Yeah, weirdly, solving crimes
has been really good
for my complexion.
Maybe take a screenshot.
Um, yeah, I would say
I learned a lot.
Um, I learned a lot
about my mom and dad. Right?
I learned way too much
about my little brother.
I learned about my ex-boyfriend.
I learned Dr. Weisman
is still a freak.
Oh, my God. Wait.
You guys are right.
That is the first time I've ever
called him my ex-boyfriend.
Oh, my God.
You know what?
I'm gonna go celebrate
my newfound emotional maturity.
How's that sound?
All right. Bye, June Squad.
I love you guys.
Let's do this.
That's so good!
I knew you wouldn't be stale.
Okay. Maybe a little stale.
It's okay.
Fuck it,
I got money on my mind
Diamonds sweet in my Patek
It don't even tell the time
Fuck it, is you deaf,
or is you blind?
I ain't going nowhere yet
I'ma stay here for a while
Spotlight, bitch
I'm in the spotlight, bitch
Talking that shit
Still out here getting rich
Y'all bitches be messy,
Don't ever come test me,
test me
Online you so lovey dovey
But your babydad text me,
text me
Now point at the baddest
bitch out worldwide
I'ma problem,
hoes they know what I'm about
Any side, yeah,
I'm known from east to west
And north to south
Careful how you say my name
'Cause that shit coming
back around
I go bad on the beat,
sweet bon appetit
Ain't no fucking with me
Lil baddie a beast
I don't need your critique
Go suck on a bleep
Little beat beat bitch,
I'm the shit
Fuck it,
I got money on my mind
Diamonds sweet in my Patek
It don't even tell the time
Fuck it, is you deaf,
or is you blind?
I ain't going nowhere yet
I'ma stay here for a while