Duct Tape Forever (2002) Movie Script

Here you go, Ed.
Careful. Here's another one.
Mike, did you steal this truck?
Yeah, I only took the small one.
What do you got, a bird?
It's a goose, Harold.
Oh, a goose.
It's not that funny.
- It's not funny - If
you're not helping...
- It doesn't even look like a goose.
- Go on. Just go.
- No, no, I'm sorry.
- Go on.
- I'm sorry.
- Go. Go on.
Just go.
Ok, come on. Light a match!
Hey Harold, come out here.
Up, guys. Up.
No, up. Up. That's it.
Hold it. Whoa! Whoa!
Watch it!
Have a nice trip, guys.
Drive careful.
Hold it right there.
You're not going anywhere.
How do you figure that, Sheriff?
Traffic regulation 601-4 states that
all vehicles using regional roadways
need to be safe and certifiable.
And the only thing certifiable
about this rig...
is you.
This piece of tin is
unsafe at any speed.
Can we do this another
time, Sheriff?
There's a duct tape contest in 3 days
and I plan to be there.
No, the Sheriff's right, Red.
You got to get the
possum van up to code.
You know? Like a police car.
Looks like you're the one with
the unsafe vehicle, Sheriff.
Hey guys, can you move
that mound of metal manure
a little closer to the compost heap for me?
Oh, yeah. Sure thing, Mr. Green.
Now I know you're feeling
pretty cocky right now.
But you're going to laughing out
the other side of your butt.
There isn't a chance in hell
that you or tooth boy there
is ever going to make it
to that duct tape contest.
Thank you, Sheriff.
Tooth boy. I like that.
'65 Chevelle SS.
427 with posi-traction. Huh?
Boy, that will get you the girls.
That car was a threat
to Planned Parenthood.
Remember Junior had the Mustang.
- Oh, yeah.
- A mach too.
302 with a 4 speed though.
Boy, he could peel rubber in that car.
And not just on the tires.
You know what's really cool?
Electric cars. They have those now.
They go 100 miles before
they need recharging,
use dynamic brakes for regenerating
and they have zero impact
on the environment.
We wouldn't really respect
men with zero emissions.
- That's the one.
- Yep.
Now you're probably watching
this and you're all confused.
You may even started
that way for all I know.
But to tell this story properly,
we need to go back
to the beginning.
It all began when a
visitor from the city
got his limo stuck in a
sinkhole up at Possum Lodge.
Now I want you to grasp the
significance of that statement
so let me put her into context for you.
First of all, Possum Lodge
is up here in Canada.
She's 145 beer stores north of Toronto.
It's an old fishing camp
that was constructed
or maybe thrown up is a better phrase.
Long before the invention
of building codes.
I'm not calling Possum Lodge a dump.
Let's just say the cruise
ships don't stop here.
So for us to have a visitor is
considered a unusual event.
For that visitor to be from the city,
he'd either have to be lost or crazy.
Or maybe both. That makes more sense.
Men being lost and crazy was
how this area was founded.
But now you add the fact that
our city visitor is in a limo,
and this whole situation
is right off the charts.
There was no person less likely
to end up here than this guy.
I think he paid more for his
pads that I did for my truck.
I know some people believe in serendipity,
happenstance, that kind of crap.
I'm not one of them.
I've been around long enough
to know that the forces
of cause and effect are constantly at work.
And even if you hit a stretch of good luck,
there will be a correction,
believe you me.
Looking back at it now,
the only aspect of this event
that was really expected
was the guy finding the sinkhole.
To me sinkholes are kinda
like time capsules.
1000 years from now
some archaeologist
will tunnel down our sinkholes
and he'll be able to see what
happened here at Possum Lodge.
Except for this unexpected visit
from this unwelcomed visitor.
There won't be any evidence
of that, I'll tell you.
That's because the bunch of
us put our heads together
and popped that limo out
of there no problem.
Now getting him out of the
lake was a lot easier
'cause we have the boat ramp there and...
hauling vehicles out of the water
is something we have a
fair bit experience with.
Yes. I'm sure you have.
No further questions, Your Honor.
You may step down.
I'll get right on that.
I'm ready to hear the final summations.
Wait a minute. Do I smell gum?
I smell gum.
If any lodge members is
chewing gum in my court,
I suggest you get rid of it, now!
We'll hear first from the prosecution.
And trust me sir, you
don't need to say much.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Now, Your Honor, here we have...
a successful businessman.
A visitor from the city.
A kind of entrepreneur
that I would think that...
the Possum Lake area would
dearly love to encourage.
Someone who wishes only
to bring a sense of...
desirability and validation to
Possum Lake and all of its...
And yet.
And yet, because a small group of...
these members of Possum Lodge, a man...
of Mr. Stiles obvious
qualities are subjected to
property damage and personal inconvenience.
we all heard the litany
of bylaw infractions and
citizen complaints made against
Possum Lodge over the years.
Your Honor,
I ask you to put an end
to this once and for all.
Make the punishment fit the crime.
Show these buffoons
that the party is over.
It's time to grow up.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you, Steven.
The summation for the defense.
Let's get this over with.
Oh, yeah. Okay. Thank you.
We've all heard and seen a lot of
evidence here today from the...
local sheriff.
And the prostituting attorney.
But before I can form a
viably defensible position,
for this peticular case,
I would like to know for
my own recognizance,
In you opinion,
How much of this laughably,
flimsy material is admissable.
All of it. Including
your police record.
Okay. Fine.
- We're screwed.
- Alright, sit down.
Your Honor, last summer
one of the lodge members,
old man Sedgwick,
stuck his nose in a woodpecker's hole.
It wasn't well received by the woodpecker
Sedgwick sustained a bunch of stitches
and has beak damage around the one nostril.
But did he ever blame the woodpecker?
Okay, maybe at first. Yes.
Old man Sedgwick should have never stuck
his nose in that woodpecker's hole.
Just like
Mr. Brookes Brother here
should have never stuck the nose
of his limo into our sinkhole.
You see, Your Honor, this case
is not about property damage,
it's about minding
your own business.
And if everybody did that...
none of this would have happened.
Okay. Interesting.
First time I seen a woodpecker
used as a precedent.
Still, I'm ready to rule.
Will the defendants please rise?
I hereby find Possum Lodge
guilty of all charges.
And rule that Possum
Lodge will pay damages,
tax arrears, outstanding service
and fines totaling $10,000.
This money is due within 30 days
or Possum Lodge becomes the property
of the town of Possum Lake,
to be disposed of as it sees fit.
That's all.
You're not here trying to
change my ruling, I hope?
Well, I'm not appealing
if that's what you mean.
That's for sure.
That's funny 'cause I'm not appealing,
but anyway it's about your ruling.
I think it's just and fair.
It is so fair.
It's just that 30 day thing.
Considering how little the lodge
members accomplish in a day.
I just find it a little...
Because $10,000 is a lot
of money to these guys
and trying to raise that amount
in 30 days is almost impossible.
Well then, let's make it 10 days.
Thank you. No! No!
Then it won't be almost impossible.
Do you want to tell them or shall I?
Alright. Alright.
Where are we going to get $10,000?
I suggest we market an
educational toy for the kids.
Now this is a potato gun.
It's all made out of PVC
pipe so it's cheap.
First you squirt some hair
spray in the fat end,
then you put a potato in the skinny end.
You aim it and press the
handy dandy BBQ starter.
Thank you, Edgar.
Edgar's an only child but I'm not
sure he started out that way.
We got some real
winner ideas here men.
Edgar's educational gun,
marketing roadkill on eBay,
forming a boy band called "N-Sync-hole,"
and my personal favourite...
selling urinal cakes as dog breath mints.
Now, is there anybody else.
Yes, I have an idea.
Anybody have anything.
Me. I'd like to speak, Uncle Red.
Is there anyone at all.
Me! I have an idea!
How about you in the back?
You got something for us?
I have an idea.
- Everybody in?
- I got one.
- We all done?
- I have an idea.
- All in?
- I have an idea.
- Is that it then?
- Zoom, I got an idea. Here it is.
Okay, Harold.
Oh, okay.
Thank you, Uncle Red.
Okay, I was thinking.
What is it that we do
that's you know, excellent?
Or pretty good?
Good? Or just something that's not too bad.
Okay, I'll tell you. I'll
tell you what it is.
We work with duct tape.
Well, Harold. That's the
handyman's secret weapon.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
Yeah. Yes it is. Yes it is.
You guys fix your shoes, your
cars, your plumbing with it.
Not to mention the plumbing
in your own homes.
Okay, but the thing is...
you open the tape. You
tear away the package
and you use the tape but
you never read the labels.
Where as I, I read the labels.
- Weirdo.
- Communist.
No. No. Wait. Wait. Wait.
I read the labels to get the
safety precautions for duct tape
and nutritional deficiencies.
But I also realize that they are
having a world-wide duct tape festival
in Minneapolis-Saint Paul right now.
And in just 9 days they are
having a duct tape contest.
But you have to build something
that's 50% duct tape.
Most of your cars are already are.
Then you submit it and
1st prize is $25,000.
2nd prize $15,000.
3rd prize $10,000.
I like it.
Okay, sunshine. Let's go.
One too many. I've been there.
Come on.
No-no-no. We're going this way.
I am the sheriff.
Hey, who do you think you are?
This is inappropiate!
You have no respect!
You are in so much trouble when I get down!
Put me down right now!
It seems your lodge friends are heading
off to a little duct tape contest.
And if they win, they'll
be able to keep the lodge,
but that's not going to happen, is it?
I'm guessing no?
They can't win if they don't ever get there
and you're going to make
they never get there.
I want to say that's the biggest
goose you'd ever want to experience.
Okay, look. I'm not going
to be the negative one here
because I think that baby
is going to save the lodge.
It's got 3rd place written all over it.
I think I should go with along with
Red to keep the cash under control.
And to get away from my family for a week.
Red, if that's alright with you.
Oh sure, suit yourself.
I'm driving though.
Ah, Red, on that note.
A bunch of us were
thinking it over
and we'd like you to take one more
person along with you on your trip.
You're going to have to hose
yourself down first, Winston.
Oh, no. Not me. I can't.
I'm up to my eyeballs in work
and the last thing you want in a
sewage business is a back log.
No, I'm talking about Harold.
What good would Harold be?
Well, he'd be with you, which
means he wouldn't be here.
That'd be good.
Plus if anything goes wrong,
we'd have somebody to blame
it on that nobody likes.
Hi, Uncle Red. Hi.
Yeah, I'd love to very much so. Yes.
This is so very kind of you.
Yeah, okay. 6 a.m.
That's in the morning isn't it?
Yeah. No-no-no-no.
I think I can be ready.
and Uncle Red, just let me say that
you will not be disappointed by...
Hello? Uncle Red?
What do you want?
Hi, Mandy.
You're hair looks nice
all messed up like that.
I'm going on this pretty long journey
with my uncle and your father.
You know it a competition
thing that we take part in
and it's going to be a pretty long
trip and could be dangerouse.
Cause it's going to be
me and the possum van
where my Uncle Red is driving.
I'm going to be out there.
Maybe now is not a good time
to talk but I'll call you.
Do you have an e-mail address at all?
I'll just guess it.
Okay, now where was I?
Oh, right. Alright.
We were on our way to Minnesota
and knew the Sheriff was trying
to stop us for some reason.
I never had much respect for the
Sheriff to be honest with you.
I agree with most of the laws.
I'm fine with that
I just sometimes have trouble with
the people they got enforcing them.
- Don't worry, we'll catch them.
- It's kind of like hemorrhoid cream.
We appreciate the medicine but the
applicator can be a real pain in the butt.
Tell me something, have
you seen a van go by
painted like a possum towing
a giant duct tape goose?
Thank goodness you saw it too.
For a minute there, I thought
the gas fumes had me.
Night was starting to fall and I don't
like driving when it gets dark.
Pretty hard to see what you hit.
We decided to stop for the night
but was tough finding a motel
because most of the ones within
our budget had been closed down
by the department of health.
Come on back. Come on back.
The good news is that I got the last room.
The bad news is that there's only one bed.
So it looks like you and Dalton
will have to sleep in the van.
No, two people can share the bed.
Oh boy, I don't know.
How do you feel about that Dalton?
There'd have to be an
oath of secrecy on that.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, alright. Alright.
You sleep in the van, Harold.
Dalton and I will tough
it out in the bed.
No, no, no, no. Everyone
is going to flip a coin.
The odd man gets the van.
No, forget that stuff.
C'mon Dalton.
Otherwise I blog that
you two slept together.
- Heads.
- Heads.
Lets make it two out of three.
No, I won fair and square.
He's right, Dalton. Sorry.
Can't believe you expect me
to switch just like that.
When everyone knows I won.
Everyone saw me win.
I flipped the coin and I won.
Why have the discussion?
Why even flip the coins?
This is a democracy we
live in and in a democracy
the flipping of the coin is final.
No take backs!
Get over it, Harold?
Get over it? I will not get over it.
Things will have to start getting over me.
I'm a human being. I have
rights and feelings too and
deserve to be treated
better than this.
Okay, okay. You made it very clear
that you enjoy Mr. Humphrey's
company more than mine.
Okay. Fine. I do not care.
I deeply resent it though.
So, why do you treat me so
poorly as I'm your own nephew?
I haven't done anything in my whole
life except try to make you happy.
Why is it? You think I'm
a dork or a geek? Or...
a... a...
A doofus?
Thank you. Doofus. I
always forget that one.
It's because you don't think I'm cool?
That has a ring to it, Harold.
You're sure closer than I am.
I'll tell you something, Mr. Man.
I may not be cool but,
I'd rather not be cool than...
I'm tired. Alright, Harold.
I'm tired too!
Shut up!
I'm tired too.
I'm tired of being treated like
I'm a nuisance when in fact
I'm a very nice person.
This better be an
earthquake, Harold.
Can you make it stop?
I've had enough, Harold.
- Good.
- Yeah.
The sunroof on your van leaks.
Yeah, there's some duct tape
in the glove compartment.
Actually, Dalton. Duct tape
is the glove compartment.
I'll sleep on the floor.
It'll be just like home.
Go sleep in the goose!
You know what was great about that?
- What?
- It wasn't me.
Hello, Mandy?
Hi. It's me, Harold.
Harold Green.
Green. You know?
So, how are you?
Oh, wow. That's great for Lance.
Lance must be very happy.
MVP! Boy, he's something isn't he?
Well I thought...
I don't know if he's cute or not?
I was just thinking about you.
I thought I'd phone and
tell you we are all okay.
And your dad too.
Yes, he's with us.
He's asleep in the goose right now.
In case you want to tell your mother.
Well, if she asks.
There's nothing you want to say or...
No, okay. Well...
Me neither. Just thought I'd call...
I'll call again when I have more time.
- So, Lance made MVP.
- Shut up!
Hey, wake up in there!
Check out time is in three minutes.
Uncle Red, wake up. We slept in.
Hurry up.
I'm going to have to charge
you for another night.
Good morning.
Wake up! We slept in!
Shake a leg there, Harold.
Red, come here.
- Yep.
- Give me a hand here.
Climb down on me.
You alright?
- Harold, get a move on!
- I'm coming!
- My wallet.
- Your wallet.
It must have fallen out of my
pocket when I was sleeping.
I'll get a flashlight.
- Shave your legs another time!
- I'm coming!
Harold, come here a sec, will you?
Dalton lost his wallet in the goose.
Maybe you could get
up and look around.
- Okay.
- You're a bit taller than I am.
Yeah, I am, aren't I?
Yeah, I am, aren't I?
Yeah, okay. I got it.
Okay, bring it out.
What are you talking about, Harold?
I can't.
- Why not?
- I'm stuck!
Is it the duct tape, Harold?
You know it's the duct tape!
Hey, Dalton! Come here
and give me a hand.
Rock 'em.
No, no. It's not working.
We can just put roller
blades on you and tow you.
- No!
No, no. You relax, Harold.
Dalton, go start the van.
I got an idea.
- What are you doing?
- We're good.
- What are you doing?
- We're fine.
- What are you doing?
- We're good.
You make a wish.
- What are you doing?
- You can always adopt, Harold.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Uncle Red!
That's not funny!
You know when a man and
a woman work together,
like the sheriff and his deputy.
There's a hidden line of acceptable
behaviour between the two of them.
And if either one goes over that line,
well nine times out of ten, it's
the male that takes the hit.
How do you turn this on?
Lift the nozzle and turn the
pump on with the lockout arm
and then use the hand crank to
restart the counter to zero.
Right. I used one of these
in a previous life.
Lift the knozzle, turn the
pump on, lockout arm...
We're going to grab some breakfast, Harold.
- Come on inside when you're done.
- Okay.
There's no gas coming out.
We haven't had gas for 12 years.
Oh, I'm sorry.
There's been a mistake here.
These were supposed to be over easy.
And I ordered scrambled.
There, that's better.
Thanks for your time.
There's no gas here.
Nearest station is 30 miles up the road.
Yep, that's good.
They probably stopped for some breakfast.
I have an idea.
You know, if you tell people
you read the articles
they laugh at you.
If you take the time to read them,
some of them are pretty good.
Red, how are we doing for time?
Pretty good. We'll get
there tomorrow for sure.
Be even sooner if we catch tailwind.
Speaking of tailwinds.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Eating healthy again, I see?
No, we're done.
Whatever you got to do,
Sheriff, you better do it now.
No, that's alright.
We haven't had breakfast yet.
You boys go off on your wild goose chase.
Turned out nice again, hasn't it?
You just let anyone drive your cruiser?
Thanks very much, Sheriff.
Appreciate that.
Stealing a police vehicle is a
very serious offense, Red Green.
Well, you know what, Sheriff?
So is letting the air out
of a citizen's tires.
Is that one in the cadet manual?
I'd say we're even.
Before you guys get any other crazy ideas,
how about trying on a pair of handcuffs?
when a man does a dumb thing,
it's better not to have an audience.
Where'd you get that gas?
Is there a gas station nearby?
Uncle Red!
Oh yeah, Sheriff,
I owe you this for the gas.
We siphoned it out of your tank.
Uncle Red, I found this business card
in the back of the sheriff's car.
I think it belongs to that guy who
got his limo stuck up at the lodge.
Yeah, Stiles. Robert Stiles.
Something going on here, Dalton.
It would sure be a lot easier to
make it to the duct tape contest
if we could get the sheriff to back off.
You know what you need? A diversion.
Nobody can be in two places at one time.
Except the Olsen twins.
Or clones. I saw this movie one time...
- Shut up, Harold!
- Okay.
Alright, Dalton. Here's what you do.
Go back to the lodge and get the guys
to make as much trouble as you can.
Force the sheriff to come
back to Possum Lake.
That's the hope.
- Oh, and Dalton.
- Yeah.
I need to you to find out
everything you can about Stiles.
If he's pulling the sheriff's strings
then maybe he's the one trying
to take over the lodge.
Why would he want to do that?
Never mind. Phone me
at the lodge tonight.
- I'll try to have some news for you.
- Alright.
Say hello to Mandy for me.
Get off me, Harold.
Now one of the biggest adjustments for
people when they move to the country
is getting used to the idea that you
have make due with what you have.
There isn't a store at every corner.
There isn't even a
customer at every corner.
You're not going to get rich.
You'll never be famous.
You're probably not going
to live in a fancy house
or have a big limo to ride around in.
But if you just lay back
and keep your eyes open,
things have a way of working out.
Even the sheriff understands.
He knows how it works.
You don't quit.
I'm sure there were plenty of times
in his life where he could've quit,
and to be honest with you,
I kind wish he had've.
Now, I'm not talking
about being fired here.
That can happen to anybody.
There's no shame in being fired.
It's only when you quit that
you need to be embarassed.
And that's probably why the
sheriff wasn't going to quit.
He didn't need anything else in
his life to be embarassed about.
So, while Butch Cassidy and the Sundance
Pervert were making their way back to town,
The sheriff was pulling up
to the self-serve pump.
Dalton eventually made
it back to the lodge,
but the guys were in the
middle of a meeting.
It's not always easy to
motivate these guys.
A lot of them are married
and been tricked before.
Once they realized Dalton wasn't
trying to take them to a mall
or a vegetarian restaurant,
they settled right down.
When Dalton asked them to
help by raising hell in town,
like most of the lodge members
themselves, hey, this was a no-brainer.
Which was good,
'cause they needed to do something major
to get the sheriff back to Possum Lake.
By this point he had a full tank and
this man was firing on all cylinders.
So, Winston parked the sewage truck
blocking the main intersection in town.
Not often do you see traffic and sewage
together and they were both backed up.
But that allowed Mike and Dalton
to break into Stiles' office.
You put any two lodge members
in a room full of files,
they can do a lot of damage in
a very short period of time.
We actually pride ourselves on that.
You know, sometimes I worry about, Edgar.
He goes off on his own. Nobody knows
where he is or what he's doing?
And all of a sudden the ground shakes
and all your cubic zirconium jewelry
falls into the bathroom sink.
To me, Edgar is living proof
that when a kid asks for a
chemistry set on his 8th birthday,
you better give it to him.
As to Mike and Dalton,
what's that expression?
Even a blind pig finds
the occasional acorn.
Hey! What are you doing?!
We got to get through here!
Oh, man. It's the sheriff.
Sheriff! Sheriff Tompkins!
This is Sheriff Tomkins.
We need you back here right now, Sheriff!
Those Possum Lodge morons are
doing whatever they feel like.
Roger. No problemo.
I'm standing here looking
at the high and mighty Red Green.
They have about as much chance
of making that duct tape contest
as I do of nailing Deputy Dawn.
Just get your ass back here!
Ok, Deputy. We better get back into town.
How do you suppose we do that, Sheriff?
'Cause you blocked us in too.
See, Sheriff.
No matter how many special tools you have
you still mess yourself up.
You got a 320 Cat backhoe there.
She's got a 1 yard scoop on her.
You know that unit can
pick up over 5000 lbs
and you still can't get
the job done now, can you?
Oh, no?
You just gave me a great idea, Red.
Back your van up.
pull the car along side the trench here.
We'll see, Red. We'll see.
Get in the van, Harold.
Get you van out of the way.
We're so scared.
- Get in the van, Harold!
- We're so scared of you.
Okay. Okay.
Watch this, Harold.
Oh, man.
Uncle Red, that was great!
I never driving on the
bottom of a car before.
That was so cool.
Yeah. Alright.
I never even heard of
anything like that before.
At fairs, they have stunt drivers.
Actually they're called hell drivers.
Okay, take it easy, Harold.
Grandma Green always said
call them stunt drivers.
Luckily Grandma Green died before
rock music really caught on.
Boy, she would be upset
with the girls going...
Alright, Harold. Take it easy.
I'm just saying these stunt
drivers drive sideways
and jump through flaming
hoops and over buses...
- Don't make me kill you, Harold.
- Okay.
I'll tell you something.
When you spend a lot of time
in a vehicle with someone
it's very important to find
ways to avoid conversation.
I like to play a little game I
call "Let's run over something."
Pop can.
Got it.
I nailed her.
Oh, boy.
Sheriff Tomkins.
Do you still have that envelope
with the checks in it?
Yes, I do.
It's right here.
Nothing to worry about.
No, I know.
I like to be extra cautious.
What are you...?
Mr. Stiles...
Arnie, that's my check.
You're fired.
Well, how did that go?
You know what your problem is?
Why don't you see what's on the radio?
Oh, man.
You are so violent.
Harold, I just want a little silence.
Can I have that?
Can you give me 5 miles of peace and quiet?
Can you do that?
- What am I going to do for 5 miles?
- Something quiet.
- Fine. Fine.
- Yes. Alright.
Can't even see you, Harold.
Not a sound, alright. Not a sound.
Not a sound, Harold.
I can't even see you, Harold.
We got 4 miles to go. Get back there.
- Oh, man. It's the limo.
- It's what I was trying to say.
Pull over!
He wants you to pull over.
What are you doing?
Maybe they want to help us.
You're antagonizing them.
Oh, well.
We're having a little game
of chicken here, Harold.
- Don't let them see you blink.
- What?
You can blink now!
Hi, I'm Harold Green.
I'd like to apologize for my
uncle's behaviour back there.
Come on in here, Harold.
Oh, actually I have a ride...
Uncle Red, Uncle Red...
Turned out nice again, hasn't it?
So, where are we going?
I need to get you away from
your uncle for a little while.
- You don't mind, do you, Harold?
- No. That's fine.
Your uncle doesn't have any
children of his own, does he?
No, no and lucky for them.
He doesn't like children?
No, it's not that. He just doesn't
relate well to younger people.
Or older people.
Or anyone different, really.
He like you though, I'm sure.
- Well...
- I mean he always has you around.
He likes spending time with you.
He wouldn't do that if he didn't want to.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I'm counting on it.
You ever notice that most
of life is mixed emotions.
Now on the one hand, Stiles has Harold.
But on the other hand, Stiles has Harold.
It gets you so you don't
even know what good news is.
Plus, I was lost.
So I put myself in the hands of fate.
Heads I go left, tails I go right.
And when in doubt, I follow the money.
- Ohh...
- Red Green.
I knew it was you. I knew it.
I recognized the sound of your
van coming from miles away.
Although it sounded like you
were towing something extra
and sure enough, I was right.
Which I usually am.
When you're alone in a fire
watch tower for 16 years
you get to identify
sounds pretty darn well.
Where are we going, Gord?
Where are we going?
Especially when there's a remote
chance someone is coming to visit you.
Which is so seldom as it is.
Yeah, it's great to see
you too, Ranger Gord.
- What. No, no, no.
- You remembered me.
- I love that. I love it.
- Alright.
Ranger Gord it is.
I was pretty sure that was my name,
it's just nice to hear someone else say it.
Gord, how come you're not
in you're fire watch tower?
Good question.
- Guess what happened?
- Dont know.
- Give up?
- What?
- It burned down.
- Wow!
Forest fire?
I had one of those pocket warmers
that got out of control.
Oh, boy.
They should require a license
to operate those babies.
Gord, do you mind if I
use your pay phone here?
- No, no, sure. Go ahead.
- Thanks.
Hey, you could even call
someone if you want?
That's a great idea.
Mr. Stiles. I
understand you have something
from the shallow end of my gene pool.
He's right here. He's fine.
It's your uncle.
Hi, Uncle Red. It's me, I'm good.
I'm fine.
I'm good. I'm fine.
I have a proposition for you, Mr. Green.
A little trade.
I'll give you back your nephew,
and you give me that big
silver goose of yours.
Alright, I'll think it over.
But don't take too long.
He'll think about it.
- Hey, Dalton. It's me.
- How are you, Red?
I'm okay, but they got Harold.
Listen, what can you tell
me about this Stiles guy?
I got a letter from his office.
It's from the county records office and
it's an acknowledgement of a receipt
for an application to do a development
project around Possum Lodge.
So he is trying to take over the lodge.
Why the heck would he want to do that?
That doesn't matter right now,
you just make sure you win third prize
in that duct tape contest tomorrow.
You know, Dalton?
It might be a good idea if I went
down to that county records office
and intercepted that application
before it even gets processed.
- He's on the phone.
- Hello?
You know, I kinda just hedge our bet.
There's no way Stiles will go
ahead and buy the lodge until
he has that plan approved.
That is good thinking, Red.
You are one crafty devil.
I've been married 34 years, Dalton.
Look, what do you want me to do?
You think you and the guys can
get up here to Mercury Creek?
Yeah, sure. We have to take the bus.
When can you get here?
Alright then, I'll see you
tomorrow at 12:09, and Dalton?
- Yeah?
- Keep your stick on the ice.
- Hello?
- Okay, we're going to take your offer
but I need a little more time to
notify all the lodge members.
How much more time?
You bring Harold to the Mercury Creek
bus station tomorrow at 12:09.
I'll have the goose there.
get a bunch of our men down to
Mercury Creek tomorrow at noon.
So, Gord?
You had to move here, eh?
Just give me a second.
Yeah, good.
Yeah, 16 years at the
fire watch tower, Red.
And all of a sudden, boom. I moved here.
It's hectic.
Getting moved around can be hard on
certain areas of your digestive system.
In fact,
I wrote a song about it.
Would you like to hear it?
No chance, Gord.
Well, anyway.
Just waiting for my reassignment.
When's the last time you heard
from the forestry department.
Well, it was 16 years ago.
It was a Thursday morning.
Beautiful day, like today.
Gord, you don't suppose
the forestry department
stuck you up there in that fire
tower and then forgot about you.
You know? Clerical error
or something like that.
That's why you haven't heard
from them all these years.
No way. No way, Red.
No, I never think that way.
Red, if I thought that way, would
I be a fire watch tower guy?
- I suppose not.
- That's right.
You know Gord, I can check for you.
Make sure you didn't
slip through the cracks.
You know where they keep
the county records?
Well, 16 years ago, it
was in a building about
4 or 5 miles up the road.
Oh, alright.
- A lot of paper work there, I remember.
- Yeah, I guess.
A lot of paper work. That's
the government for you.
Oh, boy.
A lot of paper work...
What I think of the trees that gave
their lives for that paper work.
Okay, Gord.
I dated some of those trees, you know?
- Would it be alright if I made a phone call?
- No.
- I was just going to phone my mother.
- No.
She worries about me and I want
to let her know that I'm okay.
She gets awfully afraid that
I would get maimed or killed or something
when I spend time with Uncle Red.
Sorry, Harold.
- Can't do that.
- Okay.
Maybe you can call her then?
Come on.
You know if you were me you'd
want to phone your mother.
Leave my mother out of this!
My mother...
is the greatest woman who ever lived.
Well now, you see, I did not know that.
Now to me, visiting
government offices
is a lot more productive if
you go when they are closed.
Luckily they're closed
most of the time.
I found a big file on Possum Lodge,
but it was mostly tax bills
and bylaw infractions.
And on a personal note,
I also found some of the
critical correspondents
about the lodge from irrate Possum Lake
residents to be unnecessarily hurtful.
My mother is so strict.
Is yours like that too?
Oh, yes.
Very demanding.
Kicked me out of the house at 27.
Told me not to come back until
I made something of myself.
Robert, she said.
"Make yourself significant."
"Don't be a floater like your old man."
Well, I'll say you've done very well.
Oh, but I'm not there yet.
But when I get my hands
on Possum Lodge,
it'll be a different story.
Really? You want Possum Lodge?
My father went to Possum Lodge every
time there was a family crisis.
Just left my mom to sort it out,
then he'd come slinking back
when the storm had passed.
Men of that generation
avoid confrontation.
I think they learned it
in the war or something.
But soon...
I'll own the place that
ruined my mother's life
and I'll change it forever.
And then I'll...
I'll be her son again.
That is so nice.
I'm guessing you were a bottle baby?
Finally I found the file I was looking for.
Hey, now we are getting somewhere.
You've got to grab life
by the horns, Harold.
You need to be self-reliant.
Friends aren't always there.
Oh, yeah. Okay, but family is there.
Family is different.
Oh, really?
Then, how come your uncle is waiting
until tomorrow to get you back?
I'm sure he has his reasons.
Oh, man.
Let's have a drink to toast
your new life, Harold.
Oh, a drink, drink?
What about...
women, Harold.
Oh, yes. Please. Alright.
Here we go. Woo!
No, no, no, no, I...
I mean, have you...
have you had any luck
with women?
I am so close.
I mean, yes, okay. Doing the wrong
thing is always easier,
but doing the right thing in the long
run is always better for everybody.
Even your enemies.
You really are a doofus, you know that?
You don't want to help your enemies.
I didn't mean help in that sense.
I meant help by teaching them by showing
them there's a better way to live.
And they join you and they change
and they're happier and the
world is a better place. La-la-la.
when you crush your enemies,
you make the world a better place.
By crushing their skulls.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, that's...
- that's too quick.
- Quick.
I mean,
by crushing their spirits.
Take away their money, their
pride, their confidence.
That way they suffer their whole lives.
I don't know about that.
Then you're not really any
better than they are.
Don't you ever say that I'm
no better than my father!
- Do you understand me?!
- Yes!
I hope that decaffeinated.
That was a drink, drink.
You can tell a lot about people by the
way they prepare for confrontation.
My men come unarmed, other
than their sandwiches.
His men, they got headgear and weapons.
They carry no food at all.
These are guys with a single purpose.
To annihilate the enemy
and take no prisoners.
To preserve some kind a way of life
that they've chosen above all others
and I tell you lunch can wait.
My army uses public transportation
but his army's got
sophisticated armored vehicles
flying the company colours,
travelling in perfect formation.
They got their radio silence going there.
No communication.
My guys have no
purpose, no focus,
no sense of a defining moment
in the evolution of mankind.
And no restroom.
Just a bunch of aimless men
trading a tuna salad on white
for a peanut butter and
onion on whole wheat.
Maybe the difference is at the top.
You got one leader, Stiles,
with a plan, the determination,
resources to carry it out
and a mother to impress.
Compared to the other leader,
who's me, with a goose,
a missing nephew, a lodge to save
and a muscle spasm in my back.
Oh, yeah,
and a ridiculous idea with almost
no chance of pulling it off.
You made it, Dalton.
Yeah, things went okay.
Pickled eggs were a mistake.
Dalton, the bus driver needs
$100 to have the bus cleaned.
Yeah, I'll see about that later.
No, he needs it right now.
He's got to go park the bus.
Holy moly.
Hey, Ed, do me a favour.
Get all the guys out of the bus and bring
them around here. I want to talk to them.
Right. Guys, come on.
Gather around here.
Thank you, Ed.
Alright men, I got some bad news for you.
Been checking out this Robert
Stiles guy and he's got this plan
where we're supposed to fail
on coming up with 10 grand
and he's going to
take over the lodge
and turn it into a resort
called "Possum Landing."
Now, I went over to the county
records office last night
hoping I can intercept the application.
Check it out for combustability,
know what I mean?
But it's already been approved.
So we don't win the duct tape
contest, it's a done deal?
It's a done deal, Dalton, and
it gets worse than that.
This Possum Landing
Stiles is building
is going to be one of those fancy
yuppy places and get this...
it's going to be for women only.
I mean this is the worst kind of
discrimination. It's against us.
Red, we can't let this happen.
Well, I have a plan, but first
we got to get Harold back.
Okay, good.
Hello, Harold.
Uncle Red.
You okay?
I have a hangover.
I don't want any trouble, Stiles.
There's your goose and I'll take my turkey.
But first you got to get your
men to put down their tools.
So your men can jump us.
I don't think so.
Alright guys, I want you to pretend
you're waiting at the bus station.
My men will wait in the bus station.
Drop your tools, men.
Go guard the goose.
you're free to go.
I'm sorry, no.
No, this doesn't feel right to me.
What are you doing, Harold?
No, this is wrong.
It's completely wrong.
If you trade the goose you have
no chance of keeping the lodge.
And it's all becaude of me?
I resent being a pawn in
your evil chess game.
Harold, get in the van.
- Get in the van!
- No!
Get in the van, Harold.
I can not get in the van until
I feel right about this.
This is not right. It's not right.
It's not right.
Now, get the hell out of here!
Get 'em! Get 'em!
Get up you fools!
After them!
Get! Get! Get in there!
They'll catch us easy in that limo.
Oh, I don't think it will
run to well without this...
What is this anyway?
Why aren't we moving you lug head?!
Get me another car!
Get me something, anything!
Dalton, I'm going to send
the guys back to the lodge
to make sure Stiles
doesn't try anything.
But I need you to go on ahead
to the duct tape contest
- and stall them 'til we get there.
- Okay. You bet.
Well, Harold. Looks like we done it.
What's your problem?
Good, cause I think we done it here.
We'll be at that duct tape
contest in the nick of time
and we'll win at least 3rd prize.
Yeah, that's great.
Man, what ate your lunch?
when I was with Mr. Stiles, I had a
lot of time to think about my life.
- Oh, boy.
- Yes.
Actually, you allowed me
an extra 24 hours with him,
not knowing if I was
in any danger at all.
He wasn't going to hurt you, Harold.
He wanted that goose and was
using you to trade up to it.
See, see. That's sarcasm.
And you've been sarcastic to
me my entire life, haven't you?
Not yet.
Just trying to make a man out
of you, Harold. That's all.
Well, it's a horrible way to do it.
- Oh, come on.
- It is!
It's a horrible way to do it!
Oh, yeah. Maybe it is.
You don't do that to your friends
or even people you like.
- I'll show you something, Harold.
- What?
What are you-what?!
Take a look at this picture.
What do you see there?
Sorta nice, I guess.
You carry a childhood picture
of me around in your wallet.
Take a look at the date on
the back of the picture.
- April 14, 1953.
- Right.
- 1953?
- That's right, Harold.
That's a picture of me.
Oh, man, what a dork.
Was Harold, was, okay, not am.
Not am.
I changed a lot, Harold.
And it was the sarcastic
comments from friends and family
that forced me to do that.
They did me a favour, Harold, and
I'm doing the same thing for you.
You understand me?
You're a complete geek.
Are you listening to what
I'm saying here, Harold?
I used to be exactly like
you but I got over it.
Well, how nice.
Yes, that helps.
- And I thank you for the explanation.
- Alright.
I'll take that picture back too, Harold.
Oh, I don't think so.
Don't you wet yourself.
What's your citizenship?
You need some proof?
No, it's pretty obvious.
What about your daughter?
I'm a guy.
Actually, it's too close to call.
What's the purpose of your trip?
We're going to Minnesota.
Going to a duct tape contest.
We're in a bit of a hurry.
We're hoping that goose
will win a prize for us.
Not 1st prize?
No, no. 3rd.
Has this goose been in your
possession ever since you packed it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Did anyone unknown to you ask you to
pack anything in the goose for them?
- No.
- No.
Have a good trip.
Stop! Stop! Excuse me!
Stop! Wait! Hold it! Hold it!
There's one more coming!
Hold the fort! There's one more entry!
There's one more entry coming!
Shoot! Shoot their tires!
What are you doing?
- You steer.
- What?
Just get them!
Missed me.
He's not even indicating. He's
not even indicating. Nothing.
Get them!
Get them!
What is that thing?
Can't see!
Well, we can't wait any longer.
Ladies and gentlemen, we
have our judge's decision.
For a cheque of $25,000 for
first place, the winner is...
from Madison, Wisonsin,
"The Thirsty Moose."
- Thank you so much!
- Congratulations!
Everything's ruined.
We're not going to make it
to the duct tape contest.
And we're going to die.
Come on now, Harold.
If you want to be a man,
you can't stop half way.
What, what do you mean?
You're giving me grief about
all my sarcastic comments,
- you remember that?
- Yeah.
Well that was the start of being a man.
Now you got to finish the job.
How am I supposed to do that, by dying?
No, you're supposed to start
believing in yourself.
When nobody else does, Harold.
- Hey, I like that.
- Yeah.
No, I don't. No, I don't.
I don't like it at all.
2nd prize and a cheque for
$15,000 and the winner is...
from Essex County "Mount Ductmore."
What are we going to do?
You're going to have to
think of something, Harold.
You're the smart one.
You did great in school.
You're the one with
the brains, not me.
Yeah, that's right.
Okay, okay, okay okay,
I saw this James Bond movie one time,
it's one of the good ones
too with Sean Connery.
He is the best because you don't
even know that it's a tupee.
- What's the idea, Harold?!
- Okay.
He drives an Aston Martin, right?
He can spray oil all over the road,
so the bad guys wipeout.
We have a bunch of gas
cans in the back.
I was thinking maybe we could
do the same thing.
Hey, that's a great idea.
Let me give it a try.
That's okay, big guy. I'll
take this one on my own.
Get 'em.
You alright, Harold?
3rd prize!
Thank you.
Harold, there you are.
Don't touch it.
I'll tell you another thing.
I want to go on record right now
that the men of Possum Lodge
are the greatest bunch of
guys you'll ever meet.
You may not have money or
brains or social skills
or a half decent work ethic
or even an acceptable level
of personal hygiene.
But when it comes to friends...
well, a man could probably
do worse, I would think.
Is this why you asked me to come here?
To humiliate me?
You know Robert, you tried too hard.
Come on.
Honey, that's alright.
At this point, I want to
make a special presentation
to a man that I trust and respect.
Let's get this guy up here.
I am so proud of him.
You all know who I am talking about?
My nephew, Harold.
My nephew, Harold. That's me!
- Thank you so much!
- Alright. Alright. Enough already.
All rise!
in recognition of your trying to
save the lodge and avoid death,
and or dismemberment,
I hereby declare
you, Harold Green
are a lifetime charter
member of Possum Lodge.
Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.
Sit down.
I know this isn't a dream
because I'm dressed.
I owe you all so much.
I learned so much from
each and every one of you.
You shown me what happens
when you do things wrong.
And I thank you for that.
But most of all, I'd like
to thank my Uncle Red.
Oh, yes. He seems to
have a crusty exterior,
but he has a real soft inside
like those peanut shaped candies
we used to get at Easter.
I don't even know if you
can order them anymore
if they make them or what because
really, they gave me the runs.
Anyway, okay. Thank you.
I'm not done.
Uncle Red, I have a special presentation
for you that I would like to make.
- I'd like to see that.
- No, no, no.
I wanted that picture, Harold.
Alright, men. I guess that's it.
Meetings adjourned.
Red, I made this special cake to
celebrate you saving the lodge.
Here, hold this.
What's in here?
It's dynamite. Keep it away
while I light these candles.
Wait a sec, Edgar.
These aren't sticks of dynamite.
They're candles.
Oh, that's not good.
Turned out nice again, hasn't it?
That wasn't supposed to happen.
You alright there, Harold?
What a night, Uncle Red.
Thank you so much for the vest.
Hey, you earned it.
There was a great feeling in the air
the night that we saved the lodge.
Oh, sure there will be other
problems, other set backs.
But we're not going to worry
about them until the sequel.
Come on men, we got
work to do here.
Where's the duct tape?
What are you so huffy about?
Communication is good. Exchanging ideas,
it makes the world a better place.
Harold, the world is not
going to be a better place
unless we can save the lodge.
And you believe that?
And cut. Lovely gentlemen.