Dude Bro Party Massacre III (2015) Movie Script

This is
"Dude Bro Party Massacre III."
What you doing, buddy?
You mowing the lawn?
Three times this week
you've been in here,
and you've yet to tell me
why you keep saying "massacre."
It was just so painful.
There was so much blood.
This is a safe place.
I need you to open up.
This is about those
two previous mass murders
on Frat Row, isn't it?
I don't know
if I can talk about that.
It's just...
so painful.
Okay. I'll try.
The first party massacre started
with a panty raid gone wrong.
The sorority house mother
was pissed.
No one taught her
how to open doors.
But she learned.
And she was out for revenge.
Oh! Little help, bro?
Wh... Wha... Oh, no!
Road Doggie
was her first victim.
Daddy's bro. Ugh...
Next, she went after Cindy
and C-Trunk.
Oh, C-Trunk.
Oh, C-Trunk!
What's taking you bros
so long to shower?!
But when she killed
Coach Handsey,
- I had to wonder...
- Aah!
...was she on our side?
Good throw.
- She wasn't!
- Aah!
- Whoa!
- Ohh!
She hunted us down!
Frat Row was no longer a street.
It was... a river...
- Ohh!
- ...of blood!
It was the death of Scooter
that rallied us together.
The house mother was dead, see?
And I became a full
Delta Bi Theta.
But little did we know...
mother had a daughter.
Anyway, junior year,
we raged even harder.
We thought we were
gonna live forever.
And then fire...
We were wrong.
Could you hold
my hair back, bro?
Someone took her place.
The junior-year streaking
contest was under way.
I was supposed to officiate,
but I couldn't go
because I got pink eye.
That fart on my face
saved my life.
Too bad I couldn't say
the same for Jimmy Galoshes.
No one was safe
from her wrath...
Yeah. "Areolas."
Gonna masturbate.
...not even Little Spoon.
Not Timmy and Tommy,
the Birdstone twins.
Look, babe... no hands!
Not concert pianist
Chaz Noodlemen.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Not even our weed dealer.
There was no way
to deal with the stress.
Randall went on to have
three kids.
He seems happy.
I'm actually grabbing lunch
with him tomorrow.
But then she killed Dolphman.
It was Delta Bi genocide.
But in the end,
thanks to our good looks
and bond of brotherhood,
the Delta Bis
triumphed once more.
Looks like your flame...
I projected an air
of cool, calm confidence,
'cause I'm Brock, you know?
But something in her eyes...
something told me that nothing
could stop Motherface.
Not even the grave.
The serial killer
known as Motherface is dead.
You told me
you killed her yourself.
It's time you take your life...
Thank God my twin brother Brent
didn't want to get
involved in the Greek system.
We used to be so close.
We haven't talked that much
since we went
to different colleges,
but I still...
feel him...
like we have some sort of...
psychological connection.
Brock, I need you to tell me
what you're most afraid of.
Besides seeing all my bros
killed before my very eyes?
Yes, besides that.
Please, tell me everything.
I don't know.
After watching 17
of my best friends
get killed by some crazy lady,
I guess you could say I'm
a little bit afraid of women.
Well, then it looks like
we're gonna have to
cut this session short.
Oh, I thought we
were making good progress.
Really? What are you doing?!
Aah! Damn it, Brock Chirino,
you punk!
You're gonna kill someone
with that thing!
Ernest, that's Brent Chirino,
Brock's twin brother.
He transferred here
after Brock was killed
- in that brutal freak accident.
- Oh.
You know I've been trying
to work on my temper, Sebastian.
Brock was the coolest.
Hey, there
goes that sexy Brent Chirino.
Too bad his twin brother died.
I would've loved
to have been the meat
in that Chirino sandwich.
Yeah, at least
Brock wore a helmet!
I'm looking at you, Brent!
If you're hiding any drugs
in your butthole, missy,
I swear to God...
Look out!
There's still time!
You really threw me for a loop.
I was on the edge of my seat.
Say, aren't you that fella
whose cool brother was murdered?
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, name's Nedry...
Nedry Headcheese.
Brent Chirino.
I think you'll find
I have a lot to offer
as a best friend.
Whatever, man.
I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to find out
who murdered my brother
and get revenge.
Say, isn't this the frat
your murdered brother
belonged to?
Maybe we could pledge together,
find out what really
happened to your brother.
I always thought...
I promised myself
I would never join a fraternity.
I already had one brother.
I don't need any other brothers.
And that's why,
even though a pack of wolves
took the use of my legs,
I decided to become
a zoology major.
My whole family
was once murdered by wolves.
Well, well, well...
If it isn't Brock Chirino,
back from the dead.
I'm Brock's twin brother, Brent.
Hey, you looking to pledge?
Great to have you
aboard Delta Bi.
- Oh, I...
- But I...
I understand, you know?
If you need some more time
to get over
your brother's tragic death...
I'm done grieving.
I'm ready to party
until my pants fall off.
Welcome to Delta Bi Theta.
I think you're gonna fit
right in with the guys.
I'm Derek. I'm the friendliest
guy you'll meet here.
Shut the fuck up, Derek!
Nice comeback, bro.
Don't mind the camera.
That's Z.Q.
You should see the workout tapes
he makes of us bros.
They're very... artistic.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Come on. Let's go inside.
Siskel and Ebert say
"Pizza Goblins"
is "family magic."
"Two thumbs way down."
Dragons fr...
Welcome to Delta Bi.
You'll see
that the party never stops here.
That's Spike.
He rages harder than any of us.
Classic Spike.
That there is Sizzler.
He's trying to pledge Delta Bi,
but he won't get in
'cause he's a vegetarian.
This here is Samzy.
He has a lot
of memories of your brother.
I made them just like you
like them, Samzy... overhard.
- Pretty nice.
- Overhard.
Like you, Samzy.
Samzy's a bit of a bitch.
Oh. That explains it.
This is Todd.
We call him T-O-Double-D
for short.
He's pre-med.
Smartest guy in the frat.
Jesus, Derek, not now!
I got a lot on my mind.
Look at all my work
that I'm doing.
With midterms and finals
for everyone, what...
- Brock?
- Oh, this is actually Brent,
Brock's twin brother.
- Surprise!
- No!
Samantha, what the fuck?!
That's Todd's girlfriend,
She's a psych major, which means
she's a total psycho.
But, uh, you know,
she owns a motor home,
- so it's cool.
- Oh.
Babe, you can't keep
coming in here,
bringing delicious treats
for me.
But you deserve a treat, Todd!
Just a little bit of pampering
before our big anniversary
getaway weekend
in old-town Sacramento.
I guess I do deserve a treat.
But they're over on the floor.
Sorry I tossed your cookies
back there.
That's okay. I'm used to it.
What do you mean?
I've always wanted
to be a Delta Bi.
Be one of these guys? Why?
Delta Bi is the coolest frat
in Chico,
but I'm a girl,
so I could never join,
even though I'm a legacy.
I know
what it's like to not belong.
I'm coming, guys!
I'm coming!
All right, I came.
Some pretty sweet tai chi
back there.
Knew you'd fit in here.
But I never knew tai chi.
My dead brother knew tai chi.
You okay?
Uh, where's Brock's old room?
And the winner for best dancer
at prom, Brent Chirino!
Ugh! This is my room!
I called dibs on this room like
two minutes after Brock died!
You got to get out of here!
I got to haze a pledge
right now.
- This is Turbeaux.
- I'm Turbeaux.
Shit! Pinch me, pledge.
Oh! Pinch me harder!
Aah! Guess I'm not dreaming.
Brock told me about you...
Brenty Brent Brent Chirino.
He said you're a bit of a loner.
Actually, Turbeaux,
Brent's thinking about pledging.
Oh, really?!
You want to get into this frat?
You want to learn our secrets?
You got to get through me.
Or maybe you don't have
what it takes to be a Delta Bi.
Do or die!
You think you can handle...
- this?!
- Aah!
You think you can handle this?!
You think...
you can handle this?
- This?
- Aah!
- Ohh!
- This?
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aahn=!
You think you can handle this?!
Do you... think...
you... can... handle... this?!
Watch me not give a shit!
- Sizzler!
- Ohh!
I don't care about you!
I don't care
where you came from!
Your ancestors mean nothing!
You bring shame to all of us!
Yes, sir.
Brent was thinking about
helping us out
with our senior prank.
Oh, really?
Well, our pranks
are pretty goddamn wild.
This year's gonna
be no different.
Gonna be bonkers!
We're gonna need a real party
boy to pull off this prank.
Is that you?
You daddy's party boy?
Look at you.
You'll never be a Delta Bi.
I'm gonna whup your ass
with my big paddle now.
It's in my closet.
Oh, man!
- God!
- I think I captured
some genuine fear there.
God, guys!
You know how I feel
about baby dogs!
Oh! We got you so good!
Get the fuck out of here,
God, guys! Guys!
I got this for Brock
for his 16th birthday.
It looks just like our childhood
dog, Dr. Bagels.
- To me... to Turbeaux!
- Ha!
To your bro!
But I need Turbeaux to trust me.
I hate puppies, too!
Maybe you are okay, Not Brock.
Maybe you are okay.
Hey, Sizzler, get the window.
Z.Q., shut that camera off.
think about spending the night
in my room
once I'm all moved in.
Let's check out
these prank plans.
First, we're gonna need these.
That's tape.
They gave us so much
of that beer stuff.
I have the spins.
I can't even read this sign.
Calm down, Nedry!
According to these plank prints,
it says the college radio
station is right up there.
So, remember,
when we get on the air,
you're gonna say,
"Dean Pepperstone eats farts,"
And be sure not to mess it up,
'cause I have to get
into this frat
to find out who was the murderer
to my brother.
Whatever you say, best friend!
They murdered my brother!
Chico Tower,
this is Pan Am flight 912,
requesting permission to land.
Dean Pepperstone eats farts!
Dean Pepperst...
Listen, this is
air-traffic control tower.
Get off this frequency!
You get off this frequency.
I am a pilot.
I have a plane to land!
- I'm gonna crash!
- Dean Pepperstone eats farts!
Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
You Delta Bi Thetas
have done it for the last time!
You killed 250 people,
and I do not eat farts.
Listen, you need to give us
a second chance.
I've given you enough chances!
Need I remind you
of last year's prank,
when you broke the county dam
and submerged Ol' Parchtown
in water?
But we created New Lake City.
You drowned 4,000 people.
The paddle-boat business
is booming there.
Don't make me remind you
of sophomore-year prank.
Sophomores, get to the chopper!
We are leaving!
Sophomores, get to the chopper!
That's not fair!
Freshman-year prank,
let me remind you,
we helped...
depose a Central American
That's true.
Your heavy-metal hot-air balloon
did drive General Cortez
from the Brazilian embassy,
which is
why I'm only suspending you.
During Greek Week?!
What's wrong with you?!
Come on!
It's like Easter for men!
You can have your own Greek Week
out at the old sorority house...
- by the lake.
- What? Ugh!
They never pick up
their dog shit!
- It's haunted!
- No!
Go there, brother.
Guys, a weekend at the lake?
That's nothing, right?
It'll be like a...
like a Dude Bro party!
Yeah. Okay.
A Dude Bro party.
And maybe you could invite some,
uh, young, nubile,
recently divorced women?
- No!
- No!
Come on! No girls allowed!
Fine! Fine! Get out!
Get out, all of you!
Somebody help me!
Should I lock this?
It's done.
Soon, the Dude Bros
will taste their own blood.
All that's required now
is a virgin sacrifice.
Virgo sacrificium.
Yes, yes. Virgo Sacramento.
- Whatever.
- Virgo sacrificium.
Virgo sacrificium.
Aah! Ohh!
Virgo sacrificium!
I'm an immortal fuck machine!
Buttiker, get in here!
Uh-oh! Someone's in trouble!
- Yes, Chief.
- Ah. Candace Buttiker.
First in your class
at Naval Academy,
in Valencia, Florida.
Are you ready for a real-world.
Chico police mission?
Oh, daddy like!
What have you got for me, Chief?
Motherface is rising
on the harvest moon
to kill the Delta Bis,
but her plan won't work
without a virgin sacrifice.
That's where that idiot
virgin Sminkle comes in.
Aah! Fuck! My face!
You want me to send
Officer Sminkle to his death.
You see, only his death
will give Motherface the power
to defeat the Delta Bis
when it matters the most.
And, um, what would you like me
to tell him?
Watch this.
Sminkle, get in here!
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
Aw, come on, Chief!
I thought we talked about this.
No girls allowed
in the Dude Room.
I'm fine. Ah-choo!
Aah! What the hell?!
Sminkle, um,
I have kind of an important
assignment for you, if...
if you think you're up for it.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, absolutely.
Wait a second, though.
Don't... don't you hate me?
'Cause you called me
a cum bubble yesterday.
Well, the way you got that girl
to confess
that she was hiding
those drugs in her butthole,
that was pretty impressive.
And I'd like
to kind of give you a reward.
You know about Chico's
orange-shortage problem, right?
Oh, yes.
It's very terrible, Chief.
City-wide vitamin-C levels
have never been lower.
Well, uh,
turns out your old friends
the Dude Bros are, in reality...
bags of oranges.
I should've known.
So, what I need you to do
is find them,
bop them on the nose,
and turn them back
into their actual forms,
which as I said earlier,
are bags of oranges.
Save our city, Sminkle.
Officer Buttiker
will accompany you
to bop the Dude Bros on the nose
and turn them back into
bags of fucking oranges.
Got it! You won't regret this,
See? Now Officer Sminkle's
is all gassed up.
The Dude Bros are at the old
sorority house by the lake.
And get there
before the harvest moon.
The town is depending on you.
Come on, guys!
Let's get some tunes in here!
What the shit is this?!
Yeah, Todd.
What is all this about?
Flowers, the music, champagne,
that banner I refuse to read...
Guys, Samantha loves you,
and she wants us to have
a good time by the lake.
Hey, Todd, Samantha
take your virginity yet?
Not yet.
She's been really pushing me,
And I'm not ready to be a dad.
Guys, there's baby stuff
in here! Gah!
Hey! No! No baby stuff!
- Baby hats...
- Put that stuff back!
- No babies!
- No, Todd, we're Americans!
We can do whatever we want
with no consequences!
No consequences in America!
A toast to Brent.
Hey, now, pour that pledge
a pint of Prosecco, partner.
Chirino perfectly pulled off
our senior prank.
We wanted the whole world
to know that Dean Pepperstone
- eats farts.
- Thank you.
And I think
they got the message.
Speech! Speech! Right now!
I guess I just want to say, uh,
I can see why my brother
was so stoked on you guys.
and, uh...
- Yeah!
- All right.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Yes! Oh, my favorite!
- Yeah!
- Forever's gonna start tonight!
- Delta Bi! Do or die!
- It speaks!
Delta Bi! Do or die!
Delta Bi! Do or die!
Delta Bi! Do or die!
Delta Bi! Do or die!
Delta Bi! Do or die!
Delta Bi! Do or die!
How are we gonna get
across this lake?
Well, that's enough footage
of that.
Someone want to get
his attention?
Come on, pledge.
I'm over this tear shit.
Go get us some paddy boats.
Come on!
Uh... Uh, hello?
Go away!
Can't you see
I'm mourning the dea...
Hey! The Delta Bis!
I was just celebrating
the anniversary
of my business
finally taking off, huh?
I have you boys
to thank for that.
Stand over there,
next to my dead family!
Come on. Yep.
Nobody wanted to rent
a paddy boat in Ol' Parchtown.
I was swimming in debt.
Until you boys flooded the town
and drowned my whole family,
that is.
Now business is booming!
Go ahead... put your arm
around my wife.
My beautiful wife!
She died doing what she loved.
- Drowning?
- Yeah.
Not much reason
for swimming lessons
if you lived in Ol' Parchtown,
which is what made it such
a particularly funny prank.
Now let's do a goofy one!
I said make it goofy!
That's a great picture.
Oh, man,
that's my baby boy, too.
16 months old when the water
took him away.
You guys still got it!
Pranksters till the end!
The bitter... end.
You boys want to rent
a paddy boat?
What paddy boat
are you gonna choose, Brock?
- I'm Brent.
- Okay. All right.
I trust that you have a paddy
boat that will accommodate
- my lifestyle.
- No.
If I remember correctly,
and I do,
there's a handicap paddle boat
about 20 miles that way.
Yeah! Fuck off, Nerdry!
Don't tell me to F off!
I'll F you
if you don't come back for me!
Whoa, whoa! Nerdry, come on.
You're in college now.
You can say "fuck."
Give it a try.
You won't leave me here,
will you?
I got to go with them.
You understand.
In case your wheelchair
breaks down.
Uh, thanks.
Radical deck.
Well, see you there, Brent.
Don't forget to avenge
your murdered brother!
Okay! One more picture!
And surprise me!
Like when you blew up the dam
and took everyone
I knew and loved!
Well, they don't call me
Ol' Iron Arms Headcheese
for nothing.
Just 20 more miles,
and I'll have an ice-cold brew
waiting for me.
Oh, monkey butts.
Is it so pooping hard
to load a legacy
into a... a whore paddle boat?!
That's it.
I'm gonna say it.
F-f-f-fuck this creek!
Those dick farts
never gave two shitting bitches
about Ol' Iron Arms.
They'll see.
I'll show those vagina
faces what's what.
Those Delta Bi titty jizzers
will regret the day they were...
My psychic told me
my son's head would cave in
from a car accident,
and hello, prom night.
And the number-one reason
men and women
just can't get along...
The remote control!
What do you think, Candace?
Think Letterman will go
for these lists?
I'm not here to humor you,
Top 10 reasons Letterman
will go for these Top 10 lists.
Number 10,
my boundless enthusiasm.
32 more hours, Candace.
Number 9, that man
is slapping a little boy.
- What?
- That man is
- slapping a little boy!
- Oh, my God!
You think you're cooler than me
just 'cause you got
a fancy tie and a job?!
Here's $100 and
"The Grapes of Wrath," kid!
Get out of town!
Change your name!
Start a new life for yourself!
Keep going! Keep going!
You can do it!
And once you get into the trees
for the night,
I want you to read
that fucking book!
That was, uh, pretty impressive
how you handled that.
Yeah, well,
every child deserves a chance.
I love children.
They're the future that we
screwed up for ourselves,
you know? So innocent.
I guess you probably don't care
about this crazy dream
that I have, but, uh...
I want to open up
a mobile library for children.
- Really?
- You see, the first time
I read a book,
my mind went bang!
Like, anything
in the universe was possible,
and I could find
it all in the pages of a book.
And, well,
that's what I want to do
for all the children of Chico.
I just want to bang them all.
- Um...
- I'm gonna call it.
Sminkle's Bang Bus, Candace.
No more waiting in the public
library to bang every kid I see.
No, sir, I'm going to travel
from block to block,
screaming out my window for kids
to climb aboard my bus
and get banged silly.
I mean,
your heart's in the right place,
but, um, how about "bookmobile"?
- Yeah?
- Not gonna lie, Candace...
that sounds real boring.
I would not want to get banged
in a bookmobile.
- My bang bus.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no, no, no!
- My bang bus!
My dream!
Aw, man!
Why does it have
to not be a person anymore?
There it is.
The old sorority house
by the lake.
Damn it! This place
is a fucking shit-hole!
Who did this?!
Someone... someone
else somewhere is in here.
- Relax, bros! It's me!
- Rip Stick!
Thought you'd rock out
on the lake without me, yeah?
We thought you died
in the embassy.
Part of me did die that day.
But now I'm back!
Rippin' and stickin'!
And I see I'm not the only one
back from the dead, Brock.
Brock did die.
That's his twin brother, Brent.
Well, let's clean
this stupid shit-hole
up so we can party, eh?!
All right!
This is more like it, huh, guys?
Okay. Now start partying.
Oh! No, no!
It's happening again!
Again! It's happening again!
What is your problem, Samzy?!
Yeah, chill out, Samzy!
Self-righteous fuck!
Samzy, you need to chill out,
all right?
This is just an old house
with old fuses, bro.
Old fuses.
That's what I said... fuses.
Old fuses, huh?
- They are fuses, motherfucker!
- It's old!
The fuse box is in the shed,
if I remember correctly.
Derek, you know how to be
a handyman from your dad.
- Go out there.
- I told you,
I hate handyman work.
You never told me that, bro.
You never told me that.
I would have not said that
if you had told me that earlier.
I'm so sorry.
Here goes nothing.
All right, Derek,
you can do this.
You've been working
with a therapist on this.
You can do it.
They're just tools.
They're all just a bunch
of tools.
Oh, no!
All just a bunch of tools.
Aha. Gotcha.
Hoes before bros!
Derek did it!
The electricity!
Come dance with us.
Brent, go dance with them.
Go, go, go.
With someone?
I did that once.
There you are, Brent.
What are you doing?
- Prom limo's waiting outside.
- Whoo!
I'm scared, Brock.
I've never been with a girl
You weren't supposed
to see this.
Dancing is easy, Brent...
if you have a plan, that is.
Let me show you.
Follow the natural rhythm
of the music.
Ease into her smooth curves.
The body wants what it wants.
I think I'm getting it!
Dancing is
like tai-chi fighting.
It's all about the transference
of energy.
Just use her inertia
against her.
That's it now.
Oh, and first thing tomorrow,
we're gonna return that
mannequin to T.J. Maxx, buddy.
All right.
Oh, Brock, what am I gonna do
when you go off
to East Chico U.?
Hey, you'll make some friends
of your own.
But everybody sucks but us.
Remember what I always say...
when you face a foe
you're afraid
you can't defeat...
Aah! Aah! Aah!
It's horrible!
Someone killed!
What's going on, Spike?
Spike, tell us what happened!
Someone killed...
all the beer!
This can...
Who would do such a thing?!
Did you know
about his worst fear?
Running out of beer?
I think it's pretty clear.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
But right now,
beer run, pledge, now!
I'll take the pledge.
I was planning on getting
some candid nature shots anyway.
Yeah, yeah, sounds real great.
Just one thing, pledge!
Welcome to the beef box,
population you.
This is where you live now,
in this thing.
Lick the inside
for a 3-D experience,
you little shit bag.
All these bills!
Your vagina...
Uh, you sure you don't want
me to call my dad,
- just have him come pick us up?
- No!
I've got to fix this on my own!
- Plus, you murdered a guy!
- Hey!
Stuff happens, Candace.
That's the real world
we live in.
Well, the wolves are coming.
Let's spend the night here.
Clean up the dead parts
in the morning.
What's wrong?
I'm sorry.
I've just had a hard time
sleeping since...
Since what?
The Dude Bro
sophomore-year prank.
Oh, yeah.
The sophomore-year prank.
I remember it well.
Time's up, Sminkle.
But you know what you can get
for another $200, right?
Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to, Fantasia?!
I own this fucking town!
I am eternal!
I am eternal!
Well, I don't really remember
the sophomore-year prank,
but I'm sure
it was something awful.
We're gonna get
those Dude Bros, Candace.
I don't know if you've ever...
bopped anybody
on the nose before, but, uh...
it sure brings about a lot
of closure.
- Yeah.
- Oh, um, I kind of sleep
with my eyes open.
It's just a thing.
It's okay.
Hang in there, partner.
Good night.
Good night.
Z.Q., I can't see a thing
in this thing.
Life is tough in the beef box,
You know,
you can get out of that box
if you just man up and beef.
I beefed on day five.
he beefed like every hour.
It's like,
"Spike, slow your roll, man.
Don't beef so fast."
He wouldn't listen.
Turbeaux, he beefed
before he even got in there.
Dude's a machine.
Those guys seem pretty wild.
So fucking wild.
Can I tell you something,
something I haven't told anyone?
Sure, Sizzler.
Sometimes, I think those guys
don't respect me.
And I'll never be a Delta Bi
even if I get
out of this cold beef box.
Delta Bis have to have
In there,
you have to think on your feet,
'cause it's all you've got.
My advice, if you're
getting cold, just beef.
- Get a good steam going.
- I don't want to beef.
Let go of your fears and beef.
My fear is beef!
And pork and chicken
and all that gross stuff!
No one respects that.
I'll never fit in here.
Don't get cranky with me,
Just because I like you
doesn't mean you're getting
out of that box early.
You, uh... you hungry?
You know, through my lens,
I see the souls of my bros.
I've seen your inner truth.
You've got beef in you.
I'm not gonna let you quit.
You have too much potential.
Oh, Brock,
how am I supposed to avenge you
if I can't find
any stupid clues?
Anyway, good to see you, like...
Oh, no!
Can you hold my hair back, bro?
Is that you, Brock?
- Yes.
- Strange.
I have memories
of your corpse, a flagpole...
your anus.
Must have been a dream.
I don't dream.
You should try it. It's fun.
You can fly,
you can fuck whatever you want.
It's great.
What's that on your face, Brock?
It's chocolate.
I'm saving it for later.
Did you miss your brother?
No, he... he's a loser.
You used to cry every night
for having pushed him away
to keep him safe from this...
Dance with me, Brock.
Dance with me,
just like we did in 1986
at the rhythm and blues mixer.
That's when the second string
of murders started happening!
- Do you remember...
- Dance now.
- But my investigation...
- Now we dance.
Catch me.
Oh, no! Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no. Come on.
Sam... Samzy?
You're okay!
You're okay, Samzy!
Heavy! Come on! Come on!
Think, Brent. Think, Brent.
Everybody likes you.
You're a good guy.
They'll believe you.
Samzy, Samzy...
Oh, my God!
I see what's going on here.
He's wasted on beer!
You lied to me!
This coffee's so lame.
- Aah!
- Did somebody say orange juice?
Oh, oh, oh God!
The beer!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, fuck you, tree! No!
Oh, beer! No! No!
Oh, God, no! Oh, no!
Oh, it can't be!
Oh, beer!
Oh, beer!
Oh, it's still cold!
Oh, perfect!
Now I just need the tap.
Where's the...
Where's the tap?!
It's all head.
So, Hamlet's not in the play.
No, he's in it.
It's just not about him.
It's about these two
side characters
that nobody
thought were important.
Seems unnecessarily pretentious.
What?! Aah!
Oh, yeah!
All right, pledge.
You're in the final stretch
of the Delta Bi biannual
bicep gauntlet.
You've lost
to pretty much every bro here.
Now you're gonna face me.
And if you lose,
you're going in the barrel,
and I'm gonna read
what you've been writing
in that stupid diary of yours!
My journal.
All right.
Kick his ass.
3, tres, go!
I already know
what today's entry's gonna be.
"Dear Diary, I lost,
"and now I'm in a barrel."
- No.
- Yeah!
- No.
- Yeah!
- Please.
- "Please" what?
- Please don't beat me!
Okay. Maybe.
- Just kidding.
- Ohh!
- Yeah!
- Yay!
- Hey, guys!
- Aww!
Babe, what the fuck
are you doing here?!
Yeah! What the fuck,
What the fuck, Todd?!
You can't let
your girlfriend come!
You know the rules!
I didn't let her come!
Babe, you can't be here.
I know you guys like beer,
so I brought beer
so you guys like me. Right?
We can like beer without having
to like you, Samantha.
- Samzy, get the beer!
- Sorry.
- See? Now we hate her.
- Yeah, fuck her.
- Don't we have an extra room?
- Oh, yeah.
We got all the room
in the world.
It's called outside!
The rules do state
that during bicep bi-annuals,
all females
have to stay outside...
where there is more room.
But I brought beer,
and you guys
stole my motor home!
Todd, you broke the rules.
You got to go with her.
You can't let
me go outside with her!
She's gonna try
and take my virginity.
No, I would never.
If I remember correctly,
and I do, there's a tent
in the shed out back.
Yep, there's a tent in the shed.
The tent's located in the shed.
That's where the tent is.
In the shed.
Tent's in the shed.
Tent's in the shed.
Tent's in the shed.
What's it gonna be?
Are you a Delta Bi
or a Samantha guy?
What do you think?
Tent's in the shed.
Looks like you get a stay
of execution, pledge.
I don't even want
to look at you right now!
You've ruined
my I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ife!
We're getting this tent,
and we're going to bed!
That's it!
Oh, that's fine! That's fine.
- Babe...
- We can just go to bed.
Yeah, I'm tired.
I didn't mean to get
you kicked out.
- Babe...
- I am so sorry
- that I'm a girl, baby.
- You should be!
Who needs the Delta Bis?
I think they're just jealous
of you anyway.
Babe, babe!
Yeah, you are the smartest bro
in the frat.
I mean, you've got career
prospects, healthy gums,
- I mean, amazing bone structure.
- Stop. Your hands are cold.
- That tickles.
- Your body is
so fucking jacked and fertile!
It's like your sperm count must
be in the billions or something.
Oh, oh!
- Babe...
- I mean, those Delta Bis
should be getting on their knees
to worship you.
Tell me more about my bros.
Oh. Found it.
Oh, Samantha.
Oh, baby.
- Stay on target.
- Oh, Sam.
Eye on the prize!
These air holes you poked in
the condom aren't working, babe.
No, stay the course!
Little Todd still can't breathe.
He looks like a...
a dude jammed into something.
It's usually hard.
It normally is!
Does this help?
- Yeah. Yeah, that's better.
- Okay, good.
- Okay.
- You've got this, Todd!
You are in the zone!
- You are in the home stretch!
- Please!
- You are killing it back there!
- Don't look at me!
Ahh, I'm having sex.
Don't you quit now, boy!
Don't you quit now!
Now... now I lost it.
Put your Delta Bi seed in me!
My seed?!
Thank you, Toddy.
Should've pulled out.
How much further, Z.Q.?
Our journey will end
when it ends, Sizzler.
And once you beef,
a whole new journey
begins for you.
- What's that?!
- Tree noises.
Oh. Oh, no!
- Oh!
- Z.Q., are you okay?!
No! I'm not okay!
Kick my camera
in my general direction!
This is an incredible scene!
- I'm getting out of this thing.
- No!
But I could save you! I just
have to get out of this box!
Not until you beef! Sizzler!
I'm trapped! I'm trapped!
No! Ha ha! I'm on my way!
I have a rope!
- Hang tight, Sizzler!
- Aah!
Rainin' men.
Come on, Got to beef!
Got to beef!
I got to beef! Aaah!
And the, uh, number-one reason
why cops just can't catch
a break, uh...
My dad beat me,
and now I sleep with my eyes
God! No!
You can tell he's a virgin!
Oranges! Oranges!
Get away from me!
Sminkle! Wake up!
Number 6, please don't kill me!
It's just a dream!
We've got to move this car,
and I can't do it on my own.
- I need your muscles.
- Oh.
Well, why didn't you say so?
All I need is a hearty breakfast
and, uh...
The wolves cleaned up
all the deadness.
And they filled up the tires.
Boy... those wolves are...
getting pretty smart.
Just push, damn it!
Brace yourself,
'cause you just bought
yourself a one-way ticket
to the motherfucking gun show!
Fu... Havin' a good time
at the gun show!
Havin' a good...
Aah! Oh, those Dream Bros
were right...
I can't do anything right.
Look, here are the top 10
reasons why Sminkle is great.
10, he greets every day
with a smile.
9, he wants to help children.
I want to bang children!
8, he wants to bang
children's minds.
No, it's not as catchy.
No, it's too long.
It's too thought-out.
It's too involved.
7, he wants to bang children.
- Bang 'em good.
- Don't give up, Sminkle.
We got to get you
to the lake house
so that you can solve
Chico's orange crisis!
Virgin strength!
Ah! 6, he's asleep right now
yet still somehow pushing.
I, uh...
2, he's awake right now,
and that's a good thing!
1, he probably
doesn't deserve to die.
- Yes!
- Yes!
Oh, my God!
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Oh, no.
Oh, no. I forgot my keys!
Every year,
thousands of idiots are...
Hey, friend, come on in.
It's nice, and it's warm.
Quit remembering your dead
brother and jump in the water.
Brent, come on, man!
You can do it! Brent!
Oh, take off that shirt.
You'll love it!
Come on in, bro.
Get in the water.
- In the water!
- It's so wet!
You did it!
Congrats, buddy.
We're having such a good time.
- Aren't we, Brent?
- Yeah.
I guess we are.
Told you so.
Nice catch.
- Whoa!
- Oh, no!
Daddy, no, don't go.
I'm sorry I'm a girl.
Daddy, no! No!
No, I promise I'll have
you a grandson.
It'll make it all better! Wait.
What's that, daddy?
You... you'll be right back?
Oh, okay.
I'll wait here on the stoop
for you.
Oh, Todd,
I had the most wonderful...
Aah! Aaaaaah!
Whoo! Yeah!
- Shh!
- Oh!
Look, guys, Z.Q.'s overcome
his fear of heights!
Oh, my God! Torsos!
Hey! Todd is dead! Help me!
So, Z.Q.'s dead?
Samantha shows up
covered in blood?
I knew she couldn't be trusted,
but she's a killer!
Please let me in!
I just got punched in the face,
and my boyfriend's dead!
This weekend is not going at all
how I planned it.
Brent, you get the door.
Samzy, you played ball
in college, right?
Starting pitcher,
East Chico Rapiers.
Batter's up, bro.
Guys, I don't know...
We're killing the killer!
It's just like old times, Brock!
Go, Rapiers!
Just move.
Your brother's more Rapier
than you'll ever be.
Please let me in!
- Who is it?
- It's Samantha!
Samantha who?
Samantha Samantha! Let me in!
I'm Todd's girlfriend!
I've tried to bang all of you!
Todd doesn't have a girlfriend.
He's still discovering himself.
Just let me in.
Go, Rapiers!
Wait a minute.
Samantha couldn't be Motherface.
Todd told me she was
on that Booze Cruise in Cabo
when Brock died.
Guys, Samantha
couldn't be Motherface.
Todd told me she was
on that Booze Cruise
in Cabo when Brock died.
- Motherface?
- Motherface is dead!
We killed her twice,
Brock, remember?
Rememb... Br-Br-Broc... Broc...
Broc... Broc...
Broc... Broc... Broc...
Ba-gawk! She's dead.
- Motherface is dead.
- She's dead.
But Samantha is here, alive,
covered in blood!
We're all covered in blood!
Are you guys daft or something?!
Motherface is back!
She killed Todd,
she killed Z.Q.,
and she killed my brother,
Samzy, throw another bat at him.
- I'm out of bats.
- Fine.
I'll defeat him using good looks
and logic.
You are stu-pid.
Brock, you always had a plan
when these kinds of things
Brock, What's the plan?
Don't drag Brock into this!
Don't tell him
where to drag my dead brother!
I already lost him once
when he joined the Delta Bis,
and then you let him get
murdered by Motherface
right under your noses!
That's fine. You know what?
I'm rescinding your pledge.
Oh, no!
I don't care!
I'm not even here to pledge!
I'm here for Brock...
to find out what happened to him
and avenge his death,
not to bro out with you dudes!
- You lied to us.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I trusted you!
Who are you?!
New plan... time to beat
the shit out of
dead Brock's living brother,
- Brock has a brother?
- I told you, Samzy.
- God damn it.
- Oh, my God!
You're little Brent Chirino!
I have heard so much about you.
You can... Wow. Okay.
So you can understand
how meeting someone
that looks exactly like somebody
that you thought was dead
would be exceptionally
What the hell are you doing
out of the beef box, pledge?!
Rainin' men.
Oh, God... Z.Q.
- Aah!
- There!
That's where I beefed.
Pause the tape.
I said enhance, damn you!
Now squint.
- Who?
- I knew it.
- Yes.
- Whoa.
It's true.
She's back.
But I've been investigating,
and I think I know who she is
and how to stop her.
I thought I could do it alone.
But I need you.
You're the only bros
I have left.
Step aside,
Brock's identical twin brother.
Let a real Delta Bi handle this.
You see, after surviving
two party massacres myself,
I grew weary of relying
on Brock's plans to save us all.
To wit, I created an identical
robot duplicate of myself
for one, singular purpose...
to kill Motherface.
- Weird.
- It's up in the attic.
Oh! That's it!
In the attic.
- Oh!
- Okay.
Well, with that in mind,
you bros just kick your feet up
and let me and Robo-Samzy
take care of this one.
- I don't know if you should...
- Just, uh...
That's odd. There appears to be
some kind of malfunction.
- I'll just do a quick check...
- No! No!
I was just thinking, maybe,
if that doesn't work,
then we should have a plan B.
I got this one.
Yeah, there he goes.
Secret door open.
And there he's going.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Robo-Samzy?
Oh, no! Robo-Samzy!
You didn't try to dance,
did you?!
You beautiful fool!
Who did this to you?!
It was... Bro...
What is going on?!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
I don't like that guy.
Aah! Aah!
What is happening?!
I had a plan this time!
I watched you die!
Why are you hitting
yourself, huh?
What are you...
I'm a little bitch!
I'm a little bitch!
I'm a little bitch!
I'm a little bitch, bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch!
You killed my mother.
And my sister.
You at least
deserve a tongue-lashing.
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
What? No tongue?
Call now,
and we'll send you a second...
Are you bored of the same...
No, no. Please. Please, God.
Please. Oh, no.
Oh, God, Candace.
Oh, God!
Virgin... tears.
- You saved my life.
- Well, yeah, you big dummy.
I mean, you know, honestly,
this is the longest time
I've ever spent
with another person,
and I've never really
had a friend,
and no one's ever listened
to my top 10 lists before
or had such pretty hair,
and when we were flying through
the air,
I really thought we
had a moment there,
and I honestly thought I could
spend the rest of my life
flying through the air
next to this person!
And I was honestly glad
we didn't wear seat belts!
You know, fuck safety!
And I really thought
that I lost you!
Oh, Sminkle.
Oh, Candace.
I'm sorry.
There's another guy,
isn't there.
Gosh darn it.
I should've known.
Classic Candace.
Nice work, officer.
Sorry I abandoned
you back there.
That's okay, daddy...
- I mean, Brent.
- Brent.
I'm cold.
Are we gonna die, Brent?
Hey, Sizzler, great job.
Why don't you go fuck off
for a sec, all right?
Sure. I'll go get
my organic veggies upstairs.
Grab a big bag of dicks.
I don't care.
Brock meant a lot to me.
And I thought, like a idiot,
that maybe you'd be like him,
and we could go on
like nothing ever happened.
But something did happen.
You lied to me!
Turbeaux, you can trust me.
- We're in this together.
- No!
Brock planned all my workouts
for me!
We were supposed to do traps
and lats the day he died!
Now look at me!
If we do 10 sets of 20 reps
on the lat pull-down machine,
I swear, we will sculpt you
the V-taper of your dreams.
You lied to me!
I swear,
I will never lie to you again.
What if it's my birthday?
You take me
to a quiet little bistro dinner.
Nothing too fancy?
And then you act
like you "forgot your keys."
Then the lights go out.
Who turned out the lights?
Then the lights go back on.
All my friends are there.
And you know what it is?
It's a goddamn surprise
birthday party!
Garcon, bring out the fucking
raspberry brown butter torte
that reads "Happy 23rd B-Day,
Love your lying friend,
"the sack of shit
that he is, Brent!"
I swear, I will ruin
every surprise party
that anyone ever throws you!
But I love surprises!
What's your problem, man?!
I have a hairy dick!
You know how I hate
little baby dogs
and their little
hairy baby dog dicks?
Yeah, I guess, yeah.
When I look at
a little baby dog, Brent...
I see the parts of me
that I hate!
I hate my little
hairy baby dog dick!
That's cool, man.
That's... That's normal...
for us... to have... problems...
with our... with our dicks.
All right.
All right.
Well, me and my fuzz rod,
we're gonna...
go down to the cellar
and... get some more wood.
All right. Good talk.
Who's been
pillaging my veg stash?!
What am I gonna eat?
Aww. You're just hungry.
That's cool.
What's mine is yours,
rabbit friend.
No, I can't! I'm a vegetarian!
Meat upsets my stom...
Oh, n-o-o-o-o!
All right!
One bullet? Cool.
I'm not afraid of you.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I'm a puppet!
Oh, my God!
Ohh! Ohh!
I hate my little
hairy baby dog dick!
I have a hairy dick!
Baby hairy dick!
I hate my little
hairy baby dog dick!
I have a hairy dick!
You're so small!
- What was that?
- Turbeaux's dead.
And Sizzler?
I forgot who Sizzler was,
but I should play it cool.
Let's split up and look for him.
Oh! Sizzler?!
Oh, my God! Oh, God!
Whoa, Sizzler?
Looks like it's just
the two of us.
There's a third.
- T-O-Double-D?
- Mm-hmm.
It's the last Delta Bi.
We have Steve Guttenberg
here in the studio
to talk to us
about his upcoming movie,
"3 Men and a Baby."
- Can't wait!
See you after the late-night
morning movie.
- Stay tuned!
- Sizzler?
Oh, God! Todd Jr., no!
I wish you'd be more positive.
- I've had a bad day.
- Oh, no.
Motherface got you guys, too.
Oh, you don't care.
You don't even know our names.
Yea... yeah, I do.
Name us.
Todd... no. Turtleneck.
Turtleneck bro...
Flannel bro.
Lucky guess.
Only 'cause we're named
after our shirts.
Can you even name one good time
we've had together?
Aah! Ohh!
Ohh, ohh!
You're alone, Brent.
You never avenged your brother.
You never solved your mystery.
Oh, you're wrong.
I'm ready to avenge my brother
because I solved my mystery.
I know who you are, Motherface.
You're Ronald Reagan.
No... no, I'm not.
Think about it, Mr. President.
The Dude Bros freshman-year
prank deposed General Cortez.
Your heavy-metal hot-air
balloon did drive General Cortez
from the Brazilian embassy.
So you could install
a puppet dictator
and turn the tide
in Central America.
Oh, with their powerful pecs
and extreme athleticism,
the Delta Bis
were you personal Delta Force.
- This is ridiculous.
- Sophomore year,
they sold arms to Iran,
but that went south,
didn't it, Ronnie?
So you decommissioned them
to a frat house in East Chico.
How convenient.
Oh, except you forgot
about one thing.
You can't turn off
training like that, can you?
No. Not like a light switch.
Part of me did die that day.
So, two days ago, when they
brought down two planes,
you got a sex change,
you appointed an imposter
to take your place in D.C.,
and donned the face of
Chico's most notorious killer.
Admit it, Motherface.
You are our nation's
40th president.
Damn it, Brent.
How did you know?
I solved it!
Oh, damn it!
I really thought I had that one!
I'm ready to avenge my brother,
because I know who you are.
Did you know
about his worst fear?
Running out of beer?
You knew all kinds of
personal information about us.
No babies! My seed!
My fear is beef!
And pork and chicken
and all that gross stuff!
I told you...
I hate handyman work.
Z.Q.'s overcome
his fear of heights!
- Wow!
- We never established
he was afraid of heights.
Eh, who cares?
This whole thing's a mess.
- This is fucking stupid.
- Guys...
And that's
because you're Turbeaux...
the school therapist!
Ow! Why?!
Haven't you been investigating
any of this shit?!
Your brother murdered my mom
and my twin sister!
I swore that the reign
of terror of your kind was over.
I swore that I would find
the Delta Bis deepest,
darkest fears,
starting with your brothers,
and use it to slaughter them!
- Hey, my brother was...
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
I was their therapist!
Oh, the things these guys
told me.
Did you know that,
two months ago,
Derek hit a 9-year-old
with his car
and then buried her
under the football field, huh?
And Samzy put Coca-Cola
and Pop Rocks in the fuselage
of the Challenger shuttle
as a goof!
Hey, what about patient-doctor
Oh, the sense of entitlement
on these bros!
Tai chi!
Why did you join their ranks,
You could've ended this cycle
of meaningless destruction.
I just wanted to have
the feeling of...
brotherhood again.
I...I had a good time.
Oh, fuck you!
What about sisterhood?!
My sister was my best friend.
None of you motherfuckers have
any sense of goddamn empathy.
They crashed a plane
into an orphanage.
An orphanage!
Well, I was behind the planes,
not them.
You are just like Brock.
Do you know why your brother
went to a different college
than you?
East Chico U.
Has an urban-development major.
He wanted to be a city planner.
He told me he needed space.
Not so motherfucking fast,
- Nedry?!
- That's fucking right, bitch!
You're doing it, Nedry!
You're swearing!
Looks like I fucking
handicapped your advantage,
See, I've gained mastery
over all these animals!
Look at my beasts!
I've forgiven the wolves
that slayed my family
and become their leader.
You want to see
some cold-ass shit?
This here is a motherfucking
bald eagle,
the most majestic creature
in America,
and I made him my bitch!
And it's about to motherfuck
your face, Motherface!
Because you know, birds
of a feather, flock...
Tai ch...
What's the matter?
All choked up?
Use her inertia against her.
Is it really you?
It's really me.
It's Brock.
I...thought you needed space.
Hey. We've had our space.
And we'll never need space
because I'll always
be with you...
within you.
Yeah. You'll see.
Oh, crumbles!
Virgin sacrifice. Oh!
Oh, if only I was
a roly-poly bag of oranges!
I'd bop myself on the nose
and tumble and fumble
right out of this tender trap.
Sminkle, it's me.
Let's get you out of here.
You lied to me.
You all lied to me.
And the Dude Bros aren't really
bags of oranges, are they?
And every moment
we spent in my bang bus
meant nothing, did it.
Well, fine, Candace.
If dying a virgin
is the only way
I can save my beloved Chico,
then I guess that's all
I'm good for.
Not if I can help it.
What are you doing?
Saving your life.
She's too powerful, Brock.
I let you down.
Hey, remember
what I always say...
if you face a foe
you're afraid you can't defeat,
you got to let your bros in.
Let us in, Brent.
Let us all... in.
All along, Brent, you just
needed to let you bros in.
I'm ready.
Bros, enter me!
- Unh!
- You're doing it.
We're not virgin anymore.
I feel so free!
I'll always
be with you, Brent...
inside your butt
giving you powers.
And that's the number 1 reason
why Candace and I are in love.
You fool!
You had one simple destiny,
to stop the Dude Bros,
and you balls'd it up!
Do you have any idea
how much work and taxpayer money
went into this?!
I learned Latin.
And making
all those blood candles?
Jesus, I...
I killed so many ducks.
And Debra...
made a lovely cake.
I ate a goddamn nicoise salad
to make room
for this cocksucker,
and now I can't even look at it!
And you...
you said I could trust you!
And you fall in love with him?!
Chief, you got a call
from the Imperial Dark Majesty
on line 1.
That's, uh... that's Eric,
and I have to take this.
Well, we did it, Candy!
And all because you taught me
to believe in myself.
Well, I don't want
to take all the credit.
I mean, you did teach me a thing
or two, as well.
Hey, I got a silly,
crazy, little old idea.
What say you and me become
a boyfriend-girlfriend
mystery-solving team,
banging kids on the side?
I already know
what our first case will be...
the Chico County Orange Crisis.
About that,
I already cracked the case.
Wow. That was fucking fast.
Where are your clues, partner?
I'm a bag of oranges.
I'm a bag of oranges.
That's not a clue.
That's not a clue.
Search your feelings.
You know it to be true.
Bag of oranges, get in here!
Top 10 reasons magic isn't real.
Number 10,
I have prayed to a genie
to take me away
from my abusive home life,
and it never showed up.
Candace, please, no!
Ew! Oh, gosh!
But I love you!
If you love me,
you know what you have to do.
I do.
Look, he's talking to that bag
of oranges again.
Do it. Save Chico.
I will always...
love you.
I don't want to call things
too early,
but up here in the sky,
it looks like
Chico's orange crisis
might be solved.
Hi, my baby!
- Sizzler?!
- My baby!