Dudes & Dragons (2015) Movie Script

- Gornak! Run for your lives.
- Save me! Save me!
- Lorash, sweet
of you to wait for me.
- Go on home to
your Meade, Ramicus.
This bounty is as good as mine.
- You're doing this
for the bounty?
I thought you were
about the booty.
- Sacrificial virgins
need love, too.
And you know I'd
never miss a chance
to poach in your territory.
What'll this job be?
Five in a row for me?
- The bogwarf doesn't count.
You know how I feel
about quicksand.
- Yes. And what will
your excuse be this time?
Your horsie scared again?
- You leave horsie out of this.
- Look on the bright side.
Look at all the
gold I'm saving you.
Taverns and the brothels.
I know coin's a bit tight
for you right now, Ramicus.
So when you come to,
first round's on me.
- Fair enough.
Tell you what.
Let's find you a
nice, safe tree,
a lot of low-lying branches,
and you can get...
- Hep!
- Let me out of here!
- Not today, Gornak!
See here, foul beast,
this blade will piece your heart
until the very last drop of
blood has drained from it.
Bye, old friend.
- You are great.
- My reputation precedes me.
Now to claim my prize.
You deserve every
last coin, my lord.
- I'll take that, as well.
- You've done it.
You saved my life.
You've saved my entire village.
How can I ever repay you?
- Let's start with this.
- Hey! Hello!
Lorash, come on. Cool it.
The last thing we need around
here is a Dolvarnog attack.
- He's right.
We mustn't forget
about the beast.
- My dear child, this man is
nothing more than a peasant.
Don't believe his foolish
folk tales and dragon stories.
There's no such
thing as a Dolvar-
- My precious, surely.
- The ring. Is it ready?
- No need to hurry.
You've been
traveling a long way.
Why don't you lie down
and let me give you a
little brain tickle?
- Belveeda, please.
Your filthy advances will
not work on me this time.
The ring. I need it.
- A healing stone with
power such as this
does not come without its price.
I have traveled to
the darkest caverns
of this earth to find...
You understand the
dangers you invoke?
The moment you step
through that door,
you begin a very
dark path, my dear.
- I realize the gravity
of my decisions.
And I accept their consequences
honorably, fearing nothing.
- If a cruel dismemberment
is what you'd really like,
why don't I just take
you to my bedchamber?
- Enough, woman. The ring, now!
- Forgive me, Camilan.
I've grown so fond of
you over the years,
and I hate to see
you throw it all away
over something so futile.
- Come now, do not blame
me for desiring me.
Many do.
Now a greater calling is mine.
Destiny awaits me.
No matter the risk,
no matter the danger,
I must plunge
forward, ring in hand,
through the darkness,
and do what must be done.
Larec, my sweet,
will you marry me?
- Yes, Camilan, yes!
A thousand times, yes.
- Then accept this ring as a
token of my devotion to you.
- A genuine healing stone?
- A rare gem for the
rarest of beauty.
- Where did you get such a ring?
- Never mind how I found it.
I found it. And I love you.
- Wait. What of the Dolvarnog?
- Fear not, my love.
We are safe under
the canopy of night.
You are free to let
your emotions flow.
As long as you are in
my arms, you are safe.
- Not during the day, actually.
How can a creature have
such hatred towards love?
- Do you speak of the
Dolvarnog, or of my father?
- Does it matter?
Their wrath is equal.
- Come now. My father
doesn't breathe fire.
- There is no need.
His words are just as painful.
- Larec, please.
- He'll never give consent.
- How could he
protest such a face?
- It's not my face he protests.
- Elf or human, we were
meant to be together.
I promise you, from
this day forward,
we will be together.
- I know.
- I would slay a
thousand dragons for you,
a hundred orcs,
- Okay.
- 4,000 pygmies
- Okay.
- It doesn't matter, a...
- You can close your eyes,
but your ears will
hear their shrieks.
16 lovers destroyed today.
Dolvarnog will
sleep well tonight.
- While other weep.
- They must learn that, as
long as love fills the air,
this wretched creature will
rain down its destruction.
- You cannot blame the beast.
He only does as you command.
- And obey it does.
Soon we will rid the land
of this crippling emotion.
- You cannot stop love, my lord.
- At least none
will dare show it.
- How can you be so cruel?
- Love is cruel, my lady.
Why should I be any
different towards love?
I won't rest until every
soul suffers as I have.
- Surely this cannot
bring you happiness.
- You are right. It
only salves the wound
of my afflicted soul.
But you...
you have the power to heal it.
End this madness.
Humble your heart.
Accept my proposal.
- You know that
that's impossible.
- Is this so horrible a
fate that you will allow
the death toll to rise?
- My dear Tensley, you
know that I cannot.
I cannot accept you.
- You told me that you love me.
- We were children.
- Children don't lie!
- I'm sorry, my lord.
- Very well.
The Dolvarnog flies at dawn.
- It's Elven bread.
Larec wanted you to try it.
- Why aren't you
having any of this?
- I had some on my way
over, so I'm quite full.
- Your friend made it herself?
- She's not just
my friend, mother, but yes.
- You'd think that
an immortal race
would have enough time to
develop better cuisine.
I just don't
understand these creatures.
- These creatures are
going to be my wife.
Well, one of those
creat-One of those...
I'm engaged to Larec.
- Enough. Our bloodline
isn't dirty enough?
You've gotta go muddy
it up with an elf.
- They're such small creatures.
- I love her!
- Do you love her, or do
you love the idea of her?
- Mother, please!
- I'm just trying to understand.
- You're trying
to change my mind.
- You talk about changing minds?
That wood nymph has
changed you so much
I don't recognize you anymore.
- You know what? You're right.
I have changed.
I grew up.
I'm an adult now, and
I make my own choices.
And I choose Larec.
You will allow us to be wed.
- You're right. Your mother
and I have talked this over.
And if it pleases you,
you can marry tomorrow.
- Thank you, father.
- On the Syrian
Plain, at high noon,
and we'll have the Dolvarnog
take care of the rest of it.
- How can you blatantly
disregard my feeling, Dad?
- How can you
blatantly disregard
your responsibility
to this family?
- My responsibility?
- Yes, your responsibility!
- Enough.
- We are the last
of the Onsul clan.
If you marry that elf, our
lineal rights are forfeit.
We'd lose our home
and our properties
and everything this
family has built
for the last 14 centuries.
- What good are lands and
riches when your heart is dead?
- Son, you know the law.
I cannot give my consent
until our name is secure.
My word is final on this.
- There's always Ramicus.
- Fly, my dear Bee's Knees.
Deliver my message to
one who can save us all.
Be strong, little one,
and choose wisely.
Look not only for
strength in body,
but also in mind and heart.
Now fly.
Please, choose wisely.
- Good one.
Let me give you an excuse
for being that ugly.
Well, well, well.
Once again we see
that the human race
is far superior to...
What do I say about the crotch?
This whole area is
off limits, okay?
We can't all reproduce
from a pod in the mud.
I said I don't
see myself having kids,
not that I want to moot
any possibility of it.
Well that's a disqualification,
so you got to fetch the water.
Because we have a troll to
tackle near Ismar tomorrow,
and I don't wanna run out again.
Oh well, that's real mature.
- You sure we're
going the right way?
I feel like we've
been walking forever.
And I've already
eaten all my figgies.
- Can't believe we're
actually doing this.
There's no way he's
ever gonna listen to me.
- I'm not tired or
anything, but I think
horse needs a rest.
- Even if he did listen, and
there's no way we're gonna
find someone that's gonna
marry that selfish slob.
- I wish I had a brother.
I bet horse has a brother.
Is that it?
You think he has figgies?
- This is ridiculous.
There's no use.
Let's go back.
I don't know what
I was thinking.
- You were thinking about Larec.
Those beautiful eyes,
her perfect hair,
those perky little ears.
So close your eyes
and reach up there
and grab those
knockers before I do.
- I'll do it.
- Besides, he's your brother.
What's the worst
that can happen?
- Cranberry!
What do we have here, huh?
Where did this one come from?
You gonna join, or just watch?
- Yes.
- Look at this little
stallion. Still a watcher, huh?
Hey, whoo, look at this.
- Get off of me.
Ramicus, please.
- What's wrong with your voice?
- Nothing's wrong with it.
It's been a long time
since I've seen you.
My voice is changed some.
- Hasn't been that long.
But I love what we're
wearing right now.
This is, is that a mini skirt?
Look at those legs,
they're so smooth!
Now, don't be rude. Present
me to your boyfriend.
- He's not my boyf-
- I'm Samton.
But don't call me Sam.
- Okay, Sammy.
Now, what are a couple of
fancy lads like yourselves
doing so far away
from Mommy and Daddy?
You always did like
the little ones.
Makes a lot of sense, actually.
- I love this woman deeply.
- But that don't mean squat to
dear old Papa Bear, does it?
- I'm afraid he's a racist.
- Oh, wait til he
meet my roommate.
- Ork!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Easy, Bow Finger!
Hey, calm down. We're cool.
Guys, this is Shokdor.
Shokdor, this is the guys.
- Your roommate?
Is he eating that arrow?
- Yeah. He's crazy, man.
Don't worry about him,
He's just a little mad
that he's gotta go
fetch more water now.
Well, you didn't have to do
your cool guy arrow catching
trick, now, did you?
Okay, we got a little off track.
Let me get this straight.
You wanna marry this
little elf girl.
But Dad won't let you because
he can't trust yours truly
to marry, which I
can't say I blame him.
So you show up at my
door for the first time
in Lord knows how long,
flashing those tiny white teeth
and those deep blue eyes,
and, seriously, not
enough clothing,
trying to convince me to find
any old wench with a heartbeat
and enter into a monogamous
and committed relationship
for the rest of my
earthly existence?
- Yeah, that's; yes.
- Gotta be patient.
Gotta wait til they rub
those front legs together.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
What'd I tell you?
- Ramicus, what say you?
Will you secure the Onsul name?
- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
- If you don't, I will
lose Larec forever.
- I'm sorry, bro.
I'm not gonna endure
an eternity of nagging
and micromanagement
while you disappear
into the magical
Neverwood Forest
with, whatever her name is.
Not my style, sorry.
- Well, what if you
found true love?
- Ha! That's funny.
All right, first of all,
true love doesn't exist.
Second of all, anybody who
buys into that stupid notion
becomes a Dolvarnog's dinner.
And thirdly...
- It's Dolvarnoog,
not Dolvarnog.
Sounds silly when
you say it like that.
- What do I care?
- There's two dots over the "o."
It makes an "oo"
sound, like Dolvanoog.
- Oh, let me see, I
need to write that down.
That's gonna be useful
information someday.
Thank you so much.
Where was I?
- And third.
- Thirdly, thank you.
- Knowing his track record,
I'm sure he has some real
daisies picked out for me.
- I happen to have some
exquisite creatures lined up.
- Really? Like who?
- Well, no one set in
stone at the moment.
But we'll find you one.
- I'm a bounty hunter.
And a busy one, at that.
Lorash is an idiot,
a dead idiot.
A bit of a perk.
Now that he's gone,
I'll be a lot more busy.
Last thing I need around
here is someone special...
unless she has a
price on her head.
- Let's go, Samton.
Told you this is a
waste of our time.
- Dude! I almost had it!
Thing didn't even flinch.
- Greetings. My
name is Ennogard,
prisoner of the powerful
sorcerer Lord Tensley.
- He's my favorite wizard ever.
- Once a just and goodly man,
he has now turned to the
dark arts of necromancy.
- What's necromancy?
- Shhh!
- He demands my
hand in marriage,
and in my refusal, he
has become enraged.
- He's lucky. She looks crazy.
- Shhh!
- The recent attacks
of the deadly Dolvernog
have been in his bidding.
He seeks to rid
the world of love.
If my messenger has
chosen to show you this,
then you have been
foreordained to liberate love
once and for all.
You are the warrior
destined to end
the tyranny of Lord Tensley
and the dreaded Dolvernog.
- I smell a bounty.
- Your task will not be easy.
Your life will be at great risk.
But I have faith
in your success.
You must capture
the beast alive,
hold him safely until sundown,
and await further instructions.
Hold nothing back,
as this feat requires the
utmost degree of courage,
bravery, and selflessness.
- Show me the money, lady.
- As I am a woman of no means,
I cannot offer you a
ransom for this deed.
- Okay, I've heard enough.
How do we shut this thing off?
- But, what I am
willing to offer
is something that
is of great worth.
- Okay, I'm listening.
- The castle of Easton
and its surrounding lands,
from the Verbane Forest
to the Anadron Sea.
- Now we're talking.
- And, above this,
worth much more than
all my father's lands,
I offer to the
victor in this quest
my heart, my soul, and my body
for time and for all eternity.
The fate of my soul
and countless others
depends on your success.
Help me if you want to hold me.
You're my only hope.
- Let's load the dojo wagon.
Gonna need some pants.
- This here is my pride and joy.
One of the many benefits of
having an Ork for a roommate.
They're natural blacksmiths, so,
with Shokdor's metal skills
and my general genius,
we figured out a
way to get around
without the use of
pesky, finicky horses.
- So then why the replica?
- Oh, I don't know.
Something to remind me of
the old chestnut and gray.
- Well, this net's useless.
Won't the Dolvernog just
burn right through it?
- That's metal.
- It's Mithrilian alloy,
actually, so it's not too heavy.
It's not as strong
as the pure stuff.
With enough work,
you can cut it.
But dragon fire won't melt it.
- How did you find
all that Mithril?
- Well, let's just
say that sometimes
Orks spend all their money
on minotaur tenderloins
and orchid nectar,
so they got to find other
ways to pay their rent.
Like melting down your father's
priceless burial
armor, for example.
Yeah, we learned
our lesson, huh?
Now we're ready to hunt.
- Let's ride.
If we hurry, we can reach
the village before dark.
- You've got to be kidding me!
- Is that an Ork fart?
- That, my friends, is the
smell of goblins in heat.
When the sun goes down,
the goblins get down.
- But if we just get
going, it'll probably pass.
- We're not going
anywhere til morning.
- I told Larec I'd be
there by nightfall.
- Hey, you wanna get tag teamed
by a gang of alpha
goblins, be my guest.
I'm gonna sit that one out.
- Patience, dear Larec.
'Til morning.
- Oh look! I think I see them!
Ugh, never mind.
It's just a squirrel.
Just can't believe he's not back
when he said he would be.
- Ha. Get used to
it, sweetheart.
- Do you think he's agreed?
I do hope they return home soon.
I should really
like to meet him.
I wonder if he's nice.
I want to call him Rammy for
short, you know, for Ramicus?
I bet he's handsome,
just like Camilan.
But Camilan said
he's hairy, but,
you know, hairy can be handsome.
What if it works
out between you two?
We would be sisters,
that would be so fun.
Do you like my ring?
Oh yeah, you made it.
But it's just so pretty.
- Careful, darling.
You must soon make your vows.
Wouldn't want your
tongue to catch fire.
I do hope Ramicus agrees.
- You're telling me.
- Bee's Knees!
Have you good news?
Shh, shh, shh! Quietly.
Now, show me the face
of my beloved hero.
- I believe this is
the face you speak of.
I've prepared a roast.
I hope you will join me.
I see your mastering
spell is improved.
He was once my most
trusted messenger.
- He had not obeyed
by magic or force,
but by love...
something you will
never possess.
- You can forget
about the roast!
- Oh, little Bee's Knees.
He may have destroyed
your tiny body,
but what you have
done will destroy him.
Goodbye, my friend.
Well done.
- All I'm saying is, I
was in the room, too.
So mathematically, I
could be the chosen one.
- I don't know, Sambo. I mean,
I think you two would
make a great couple.
- Thank you.
- I'm just not sure you fit
the dragonslayer archetype.
Though, mathematically,
you have 25 percent chance.
- You're a Scrorpio. You're
not compatible with anybody.
How'd that work
out for you, buddy?
Sorry, ladies, but I
think Princess Dragonfly
has somebody else in mind.
- Her name is Ennogard.
- Well, whatever her name is,
it's not coincidence
that her pet fly
chose to visit my home.
You pay rent. It's my home.
It makes sense that it
would choose the home
of a renowned
professional bounty hunter
for such a daunting task.
- Well, what about me?
- What about you?
- Sure, I don't slay
ferocious beasts for a living,
but I've killed a few.
- Pretty sure that bunny rabbits
don't classify as wild beasts.
- I am skilled in
the arts of warfare.
- Archery?
- Yes, archery. And swordplay,
among other discipline.
- You are handy with a tiny
blade, I'll give you that.
I mean, the way you
shave around the nipple,
it's mesmerizing.
- I am in peak
physical condition.
My arm strength is exemplary,
and I can leg press
six and a half barrels.
Come to think of it,
it's quite possible
I'm the chosen hero
to slay the Dolvenog
and win Ennogard's heart.
- Then can I have Larec?
- Yeah, um, how does your
miniature-sized fiancee
fit into the whole picture?
- I was speaking
mathematically, of course.
I'm still madly in
love with Larec.
- I know you are, buddy.
- I guess it could be possible
that you're the chosen one.
- What can I say?
- I always knew the right face
would change your
mind about marriage.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who said anything
about marriage?
- Didn't you listen?
That's the reward.
Her heart, soul and body.
- Well, I'm only
interested in the latter.
Shokdor and Samton
can divvy up the rest.
- I got dibs on the heart.
I called it.
- You don't deserve to be loved.
- Kinda hurts, Cami.
Not really.
- Good one, Ramikins.
- They're here! I see them!
They're back!
- And what of Ramicus?
- I can't tell. But
they're not alone.
I'm so excited.
- Larec, wait!
- Camilan! Camilan!
- Larec? Larec!
- Wait!
- I'm coming, my love!
- Samton, get up here.
- Thank you, Ramicus,
I'm fine back here.
- I need you to drive.
- I can't drive.
- You're about to learn.
- I...
- Larec!
My love, I have so
much to tell you.
- Where were you?
I was so worried.
- Forgive me. I came
as soon as I could.
- I forgive you, my sweet.
- There's a sword on my seat.
- You know the drill.
- I said, hold her steady.
- I'm not good with fake horses.
What was that?
- Pull the lever back.
Go straight.
That's it!
- Er, Ramicus, do something!
- There goes the after party.
- Little heavy
on the brake, huh?
- I'm heavy.
Heavy on the break.
- Well done, Samton.
- I'm so sorry, my love.
When I saw your face, I
forgot all danger.
- Hush, now. We can't
risk another attack.
- The healing ring. It
will heal her, won't it?
- Not a wound such as this.
- Oh, then can
you do it, please?
Tell me you can do it.
- It is grave,
but it can be healed.
- Oh, bless you, woman.
- But it will require an
ingredient not easily attained.
- Anything you need
I will acquire.
- Even if it costs your life?
- Anything.
- The wound must be healed
by the instrument
of its violence.
- The Dolvarnog's talon?
- Yes.
- How's that supposed to heal
it? Doesn't make any sense.
- Sorcery is not
an art of logic.
- Thank you.
- But it can be done?
- Yes. But you must hurry.
If I don't have the talon by
the sunrise after tomorrow,
it will be too late.
- What does the sunrise have
anything to do with this?
- Ramicus, please!
- There is no time to question,
only to act.
- I will avenge this cruelty.
And I will return
to save your life.
- Be careful, my love.
The Dolvarnog shows no mercy.
- And neither shall I.
- Take this ring.
- No, you need it.
- You need it more than I.
- I swear to you on our love,
I will return it to
its rightful place.
Goodbye, my love.
- Relax.
I'm coming with you.
- You'll only slow me down.
- Come on. You really can't
do this without my help.
- This is no longer
about you and your pride.
This time it's about me...
- And your bride?
- Very clever.
Does everything have
to be a joke with you?
- Come on. I'm
just being stupid.
- I don't have time
for your stupidity.
- Hey!
Hey, don't be a fool, brother!
- Camilan, wait!
- Wait!
- Your master is
very brave, Samton.
Always has been.
Very brave, and a
little bit stupid.
You probably knew that.
Camilan rode off alone.
- He must travel west.
- He took off before
I could tell him.
- He is in grave danger.
- Ramicus?
- Yes, my lady.
- Come here, brother.
Your hands are like his.
But you're lonesome.
Ramicus, he needs your help.
He's brave, but it
overshadows his judgment.
- I'm afraid he
doesn't want my help.
- He loves you.
He can't say it.
I can see it in his eyes.
He needs you now more than ever.
- Now, my three
courageous fools,
you embark upon a
quest to fight an evil
more powerful than you
have ever imagined.
All who have attempted
this suicidal task
have met with death swift
and merciless below.
- Okay, yeah, we got it.
Dangerous, thank you, uh...
- I'm not finished!
If you're to have any
chance of success,
you must accept and
use wisely the gifts
which I will bestow
on each of you.
- Presents!
- Much more than mere
presents, my boy.
Samton, your soul
is loyal and true.
But your body lacks the training
to match its physical potential.
So I entrust you with this.
- Cologne?
- Hardly.
This vial contains the
essence of the flying Sorin.
- There's not a lot in there.
- One drop is enough to
give you physical strength
beyond your mortal composition.
Use it wisely.
- Shokdor.
As an Ork, you have learned
to find your way
in the darkness.
But with this luminate wand,
you will now know where to
turn to walk in the light.
- Hah! Nice glowstick.
- Hey, I'm sure it's
the thought that counts.
- To think earlier
today I longed
to cradle your
head in my bosoms.
- Excuse me?
- Now, dear Ramicus,
Your insolence may prove
destructive in the end.
But in spite of your mockery,
I will not stay my gift to you.
- Wow.
One of Camilan's
many self-portraits.
Thank you.
Now, where's my real gift?
- That is all I have for you.
- What am I gonna do with this?
- When the time is right,
you will know of its worth.
- Well, thanks a lot, Belvie.
I mean, we're all pretty
pumped about our gifts.
The guys are.
I just feel really bad I
didn't get you anything.
But if you'll excuse me, I
have a kid brother to save.
- Good journey.
- Oh, what do we have here?
Cute love girl.
Oh, yeah.
Get to it.
Oh, you want some of that?
Yeah? Why don't you try that?
Yeah? Ha!
- Ramicus!
Fireball! Fireball!
Get up! Give up!
- There goes the after party.
- Impossible!
- Come, horse.
For Larec.
- Do not be frightened.
I'm nothing to fear.
I heard you whimpering.
I'm only here to help.
Patience. It will soon
soothe, but you must wait.
Looks like you had
quite the battle.
- Sammikins, you gotta shoot
straight with me on something.
- Yeah, what?
- How long has Camilan
been talking like that?
- What do you mean?
- You know. Uh, all
up tight and snooty,
like he's got
something up his rear?
You know, like, "Hey, Ramicus,
where do we find berries?"
- No, it's more, it's
more like, "Samton,
"run your fat legs over here.
"I've got work for you."
- Yeah.
- I don't know.
Like, his whole life, I guess.
- No. Trust me, that
is a new development.
- That is queer,
come to think of it.
- Yeah. It's more than queer.
It's borderline creepy.
I don't even know how
to broach the subject.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
- I can tell it's a
hot button for him.
Probably best not to mention it.
- What is it, horse?
What do you see?
- This is him.
Hide the wagon.
We go on foot from here.
- I hope it's not too late.
- Yeah.
I heard it, too.
Where did it come from?
- Does this mean that...
- No.
It's just his cloak.
Doesn't mean that he's...
We better hurry.
- Use that torch, Sam.
These guys hate fire.
Dibs on the queen!
- Shokdor, get over here!
- Sorry, your highness.
You're not his type.
- They're really pissed now.
- Did you see that?
It went out!
Relight me.
- It's not enough.
- You gotta relight it.
They just go out.
- Nice.
- Where's Cam?
- Let's play.
- There goes all my essence.
- You drank it all?
- It was delicious.
- Good.
It got a bit dicey
there for a minute.
- Cam!
Thank the god you're all right.
Don't ever do that to me again.
- Why did you follow me?
- Well, we didn't.
You know, me and the
boys, we got frisky,
so we wanted to hit the forest,
see if we can find
some sweet goblin love.
- I guess when we saw you,
we got a little jealous.
- I didn't ask for your help.
- No, you didn't.
But your tiny little
miniature sweetheart did.
So, how about a
little gratitude here?
Know what? While you're
collecting your thoughts,
why don't you pick up
the rest of your dress
and come back to the
dojo wagon with us.
As soon as Goblintown finds out,
they're gonna be pissed that
we canceled their freak fest.
Also, I murdered their queen.
Now we have a rather
long, southwesterly
if we wanna be anywhere
near the Dolvarnog's lair.
- It's Dovanoog.
- I don't care how
hungry you are.
We're not stopping.
- I agree. We still
have a ways to go
before we're out
of the woodlands.
We're definitely
not stopping here.
- You know that little
elf chick of yours?
- Her name is Larec.
- Yeah, Larec.
She's not bad, you know.
- Well, it's too
bad she doesn't like
the hairy, non-committing type.
- No, man. It's not like
I'd ever be into her.
You know, she just has
really sharp features.
Which look good...
on her.
- Well, I'm sorry you're
so repulsed by her.
- Oh, come on, Cam.
He didn't mean it like that.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- What did you mean?
- We had a little
talk before we left.
I just think she's a
good egg, that's all.
- What did you talk about?
- You, mostly.
- What did she say?
- I don't wanna bore
you with details.
She said you were brave.
- She did?
- Sorry.
- He's not.
- See? You're not so terrible
at night now, are you?
- Unacceptable!
You showed mercy to that
insufferable couple.
How could you let them live?
I don't care who threw what
at you, you're a dragon!
Kill the warrior and
then kill the lovers.
It's no matter.
Just don't let it happen again.
But to be sure,
I'll have to realign
your loyalties.
There now, be a good boy.
This dose is twice as
powerful as the last.
You shouldn't have
any more mishaps.
- No!
- Ennogard! It isn't safe here.
You must leave at once.
- Let him be. He's
been harmed enough.
- Oh, no. You don't understand.
This is for his own good.
This will make it so nobody
will be able to harm him.
I'm protecting him,
like a good father.
- No. Uh, there
must be something
that I can do to
convince you otherwise.
- Why, good cousin,
do not tease me so.
- Well, he is a powerful
dragon and he is hurt.
He may not react
well to such a dose.
Let him heal first.
- But I have it all ready to go.
- Save it, for when
he's at full strength.
Thank you. Thank you.
- On second thought,
perhaps I should...
- Well, you should go to bed.
You have a long day ahead.
- Yes, to bed. I must...
Long day.
- Thanks, I had to get
that taste out of my mouth.
Oh, sorry about the bruises.
They're my fault, in a way.
Sleep well.
If all goes as hoped,
this unknown warrior
will soon save us both.
- I think this is
the Valley of Gell.
If I'm right, then
we're not too far
from the Dolvarnog's lair.
- We should be
safe to camp here.
- Why are we stopping?
- We need food and rest.
- But I've, I've still
got plenty of elven bread.
Let's keep going and take
the beast in its sleep.
- Relax. We don't know the
exact location of the lair,
just the general area.
- I refuse to relax.
- This is not gonna
be an easy task.
And we need to make a plan.
- That is the plan.
Stay on the road, eat
the stinking elven bread,
and take the Dolvarnog tonight.
- Tonight we dine in Gell!
- Gluttonous cretins.
Don't care about
anything but themselves.
Can't believe it.
- No.
Can't be her.
Of course not. It's...
just a bather.
Still. Can't be too sure.
You all right?
- Camilan? Is that you?
Silly boy. Why are you hiding?
Come join me.
- My sweet love, I, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be here.
We're not yet wed. I...
shouldn't see you this way.
- We're in love.
Isn't that enough?
- We're saving ourselves
for each other.
Aren't we?
You're kidding me.
- Time is running out.
I don't want to wait any longer.
- Oh. Oh, boy.
Oh dear.
- Bathe with me.
- Well, I guess a small
dip wouldn't hurt, right?
Be in in a minute, my love.
Get my boot off.
- Horse doesn't like
the bread, either.
- Where's Cami?
- Oh. Oh dear. Wow.
You make it look so easy.
So, shall we proceed
with the bath?
Don't scare me.
You know I don't like
being frightened.
- Bathe with me.
- Camilan, we're in love.
Is this not enough?
- What happened to her?
- It's not your girlfriend.
Look at me! That's
a water morphling.
They get inside your
head and tempt you
with your truest desire.
- No, it was Larec.
She was real.
- Whatever you thought
you saw wasn't real.
- She was singing our song.
- Yeah, that's right.
Her talon wound
magically healed itself
and she decided to celebrate
with a sexy
late-night skinny dip,
300 tripeds away from home.
That sound more real?
- How could I have
been so foolish?
- Listen. Happens
to the best of us.
These things are
masters of deception.
I knew a guy one time
that was so deceived
by one of these things
that he fell in love,
started a long-distance
relationship with one.
For months, almost two years.
It was Shokdor.
Shokdor did it.
Come on. Let's
get you warmed up.
- Hey, Cam, this one
looks like your mom.
- We may only get
one shot at this.
Gonna make it count.
We need to stay focused.
We're not hunting ogres here.
- Why are you doing this?
- Have you seen Easton Castle?
Bit of an upgrade
from my swamp cottage.
- That's the only reason?
Just to increase your wealth?
- Between me and you,
bounty hunting doesn't
pay like it used to.
I really need this one.
- So it is all about
the money, then.
- Yeah. It's what I do.
Being paid for
what you're good at
is a fairly accepted
practice around here.
- Yes, but don't you
desire something more?
- Like what?
- Like love.
- Ha! No.
- How do you know if
you don't even try?
- Love is a do or do
not. There is no try.
- And what of
Ennogard's promise?
- Oh, here we go.
- If we succeed,
when we succeed,
you will have the chance at
love with an amazing woman.
- You saw her compassion,
and her beauty is unmatched,
if you're not counting
elves, of course.
- I understand that
love's important to you.
But it isn't for me.
I don't have room for it,
there's no space in my life.
- That's just it. Love
changes your life.
The moment it pricks your heart,
you'll bleed a
deeper, richer red.
- Okay. That's...
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves here.
We still have to capture
the most deadly beast
that I've ever seen.
We can get all mushy
and have a beautiful elven
love circle once we're done.
But for now, we don't
even have a plan.
- Spoken like a
true dragon warrior.
Well, then, what do you suggest?
- Our only hope
is, we ground it,
take away the sky.
- Trap it.
- We've got plenty of
netting, but the problem is,
how do you get the
drop on a giant,
airborne reptile that's
got a real beef with love?
- This isn't working.
- You're not selling it.
You gotta...
really feel it.
- Please, for Larec.
- This is so stupid.
- Bless you.
Oh, you're probably
allergic to this flower.
I'll get it.
Is that better?
Yeah, buddy, that's better.
Don't hurt me, don't hurt me.
- That's it, Cam.
Keep her spinning.
- They did it.
- Die!
- Ramicus!
What are you doing?
I was about to finish the job.
- The job was to
capture it. That's it.
- That thing almost
killed Larec.
I won't let it live.
- The message was clear.
Capture the beast,
wait til sundown for
further instructions.
- Since when do you
care about instructions?
Let's kill the thing!
- We'll follow
Ennogard's request.
- Look who suddenly
cares about Ennogard.
I don't have much time left.
I need that talon. Let me...
- We have til sunrise!
We're three hours
from Belveeda's.
Ennogard will tell us what
to do when she gets here.
Until then, we wait.
- Get out of my way.
- Your impatience has caused
us a lot of trouble already.
I will not let you
screw this up, too.
- Oh, I see. The pathetic,
washed-up bounty hunter
will do anything for his prize,
even if it's at the
risk of Larec's life.
- Get to the wagon.
- Yes, you're right. Excuse me.
I forgot the age-old grand
eternal law of the universe.
Big brother Ramicus
always gets his way.
Well, not today.
- No!
Shokdor, get over here!
- You bastard! This
is all your fault!
- My fault?
- If you would have
let me kill the beast
when I had the chance...
- I told you to wait!
- We would've been heroes.
I would be on my way to
see Larec with the talon.
But no, you had to be in charge.
You had to be in control.
Now Larec's going to die,
because of you.
- Come on, calm down. You
don't know what you're saying.
- You calm down, you don't
know what you're saying.
Whose side are you on, anyway?
- You're still not calm.
- I should've known.
The moment you laid eyes on him,
he was your new
best little friend.
Some servant you
turned out to be.
You can have him.
I don't want him anymore.
- You don't mean that.
Shut up, you stupid orc!
Nobody asked you.
And why don't you
learn to speak English
like the rest of us?
- I understand you're
upset right now.
You need to be rational.
- Rational?
The only thing that I love in
this world is about to die,
and you want me to be rational.
- She's not dead yet.
You wounded it pretty badly.
We can follow the trail
of blood back to its lair
and kill the Dolvarnog
once and for all.
- It's Dolvarnoog.
You sound like an idiot
when you say it wrong.
- I'm an idiot? You show
up with a manservant,
the hairless body of a child,
and a ridiculous fake
accent, and I'm the idiot?
- It's not fake.
- You know, at some point
you're gonna have to stop
pretending to be a man,
and actually be one.
Maybe then you can
earn the love of Larec,
because right now,
you don't deserve her.
- I hate you.
- Camilan, wait.
- I'm sorry. He didn't mean it.
All the same, I need
you to look after him.
I won't be gone long.
It doesn't matter
whose fault it is.
All that matters is we fix it.
- When the fires died
and the smoke faded away,
the people realized
that the humble lord
was not a demon after
all, but a great hero.
And his beauty...
- Slower, slow.
- Was shouted from the rooftops.
And people loved him,
for he was the most
powerful sorcerer
in all the land. The end.
- Read it again,
my dear Ennogard.
- But we read it twice already.
- Again!
- Back a bit soon, aren't we?
- What have you
done to yourself?
- Go to him.
- Ramicus, what are you doing?
I was about to finish the job.
- The job was
to capture it. That's it.
- That thing almost
killed Larec.
I won't let it live.
- The message was clear.
Capture the beast,
wait til sundown
for further instructions.
- Since when do you
care about instructions?
Let's kill the thing!
- I'm following
Ennogard's request.
- What happened?
He wasn't supposed to hurt you.
Something must have gone wrong.
My chosen warrior could
not have been so careless.
I'm sorry, but you're just
gonna have to let me help you.
The message was clear.
They were supposed
to keep you safe
until I arrived and
could warn them of...
- Me?
Why me?
It is clear from your trickery
that we should be warned of you.
To think I let you
kiss these lips
with that forked
tongue of yours.
- Please, you're hurting me.
- Not nearly as you
hurt me, dear cousin.
That pain will soon be gone.
You're all I have left.
It seems now,
we are more alike than ever.
- Let him be. He
doesn't deserve this.
- You betrayed him, as well.
Feigning love while
hiring some idiot savage
to bring us down.
This, this will save him
from the pain you caused.
Soon your hate of love
will make you more powerful
than any beast on earth.
You'll have the strength
to fly day and night.
Two by two, you will eliminate
this emotional scourge
from our society
once and for all.
- It'll never work.
The pain you cause will
never heal your wounds.
- Perhaps.
But it'll probably make me
feel a whole lot better.
- You don't have to do this!
- You leave me no choice.
- Even if I give myself to you?
- You lie.
- I swear.
By the love of those who
have perished for its sake.
- And what of this chosen
love warrior of yours?
- He failed me.
And in doing so, he has
forfeited his calling.
- How am I to trust you?
- I promised myself
to whoever was able
to end this tyranny.
And it seems that man is you.
- A promise is a promise.
- Even though you created all
this evil in the first place.
- We can't all have good looks.
- And even though we're cousins.
- It is very common in some cul-
- Not here!
- All the same.
It is decided. We
can wed tonight.
I'll go to prepare the altar.
Til then, my sweet.
- Thank goodness I found you.
- Why?
Your precious new
master let you go?
- You're being ridiculous.
- Am I?
- Yes.
In all the years
as your manservant,
when have I ever
breached your trust?
- Well, the day you
met Ramicus, I guess.
- Forget about Ramicus!
This is about you
and me, Cam and Sam.
When have I ever let you down?
Who carried you in
the pitch darkness
through the caverns of Ednar
because you sprained your ankle?
Who swam across Dead Horse Gorge
carrying your chain mail
loincloth above water
because you didn't
want it to get rusty?
Who used up every last
drop of his essence
to save you from fathering
the next goblin horde?
Who's willing to
risk everything,
going to the ends of the earth
so that you can
fulfill your dreams
and marry your true love?
- It's you.
It's you.
But it's all for nothing.
I failed her, Samton.
Larec will die in the morning,
and it's all my fault.
- I can't take you
whining anymore.
- You hit me.
- Yes.
And I'll hit you a
thousand times again
if you don't stop crying.
What would Larec do if she
heard you crying like this?
She'd probably kill herself.
We still have time
to go get the talon
and save her life.
So get your crap
together and let's go.
- Nonsense. You look fabulous.
I'm sorry, my friend,
but it's necessary.
I can't have you running off.
Now. Listen here, Zaous.
You must be quiet
during the ceremony.
But you mustn't fall
asleep, understood?
- I no sleep, master.
I hungry!
- The witness is placed.
Ah! the good vicar has arrived.
How lovely of you to come at
such short notice, good vicar.
- Nonsense. The
pleasure is all mine.
- The altar is
prepared, my love.
- What are you writing, my dear?
- My vows. I'm preparing my own.
- Ah. Yes, good.
As have I.
Very well. Proceed.
- You think he
went off this way?
- Okay. Yeah.
- You understood what he said?
- No, not a word.
- You look lovely.
It's a pity Uncle
Easton isn't here today.
I think he would
finally approve.
- Do not speak of my
father, I beg of you.
- Forgive me, you are right.
Tonight, we focus
on you and I only.
My dear? Are you all right?
- I don't kno-, know that I am.
- Well, well. It's
your wedding night.
It's natural if
you're a bit nervous.
- Oh!
- Isn't love wonderful?
- Looks like somebody died.
- That's no funeral pyre.
The smoke's blue.
Someone's getting married.
- Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here today
to consecrate the
matrimony of two lovers,
destined to be together.
Two noble families
bound together by blood
shall further be bound
as the matrimonial ties
weave this family
tapestry ever tighter.
We welcome with greatest delight
the powerful sorcerer,
the handsome and
Lord Tensley.
- Thank you, good vicar.
- And we are pleased
with the presence
of the ever lovely and
exquisitely voluptuous
Lady Ennogard.
- Vicar, please!
This is a wedding.
- Oh yes, of course. Forgive me.
Let us proceed with
the matrimonial vows.
- Is it finished?
- I've done all I can.
Now we must await
the final ingredient.
- What do you see
of their return?
- No, my dear. They've
only just begun.
- How do you know?
- I can smell danger in the air.
A battle brews tonight.
- Are you sure it's
not just the potion?
- Do not repel the
remedy, my dear.
- Will they succeed?
- They must.
- Who puts a wedding pyre
in the middle of nowhere,
on the top of a cliff?
- I'm not sure.
I fear Ennogard
has given up hope
and given in to Lord Tensley.
- I'm sure my hamstring is
going to pop off of my leg.
- Pick up the pace, Samton.
We don't have much time.
- This I solemnly swear.
As long as you stay loyally
by my side and never leave me,
and never speak ill of my
deeds and never question me,
and always stay strictly
obedient to every word I speak
as long as you shall live.
- Well spoken, Lord Tensley.
Your devotion is unparalleled.
- Thank you, Father.
- And it is now with great honor
that I pronounce you man and...
- Wait.
- What is it, my dear?
- I must read my vows, as well.
- Oh, of course.
How silly of me.
- Please, my love.
- I, Ennogard of Tensley,
having entered this world
on the 17th day
of the 10th month
of the 527th year
since the reign of King Arfax,
having stemmed from the lineage
of the Elders of the East,
born of goodly parents
and raised in the
Order of the Covenant,
which, honestly, was
not my first choice,
but my parents were
incredibly devout...
- By the time I was 12,
I had already developed a
deep affinity for pygmies.
I had an obsession that
drew me into their world
and opened my mind to new
and amazing possibilities.
It was this affection that
opened my heart to love.
But, alas, I was young
and Kendric was...
And as I grew taller,
my love for him shrank
until he was just
a distant memory,
forever tied to the smell
of peppertonic leaves.
But leaves turn brown and rot,
leaving way for new growth
and new experiences.
- Ennogard, please. In what
way is this part of a vow?
- I did not interrupt your vows.
I believe you should
owe me the same respect.
Thank you.
Love next crossed my
path at the age of 17,
as my love stars aligned
with Sir Farlath,
warrior, poet and
centaur prince.
- We'll have to climb.
- How?
I mean, if there were a
ladder, I could totally do it.
But, I mean, the
sun's almost gone,
and I can't do anything
in the darkness.
- We have to find another way.
- There is no other way,
unless you can fly.
- We have to figure it out.
- Wow. Uh, thanks.
- It's Belveeda's crystal.
- Well, it's really
cool and everything.
I just, I don't think I can
climb with only one hand.
Good thinking.
Let us pray.
- I think he wants you
to get on his back.
- It's over a
hundred sectors high.
- I don't he can carry me.
- Fine. I'll go.
Well, Ramicus is your brother,
so you should ride him up.
- Do you think he
has the strength?
- If anyone does, it's Shokdor.
- Shokdor, can you climb?
Let's climb.
- Good luck, brethren.
I'm gonna stick down here,
and set up a base camp of sorts.
- Well
Hur-hurry if you can.
- Having experienced love
in its many splendid forms,
receiving love from
beings of every corner
of this great earth
to its vast sea,
there is one hope that remains.
As I now sacrifice myself to
the life of endless subjection,
I can accept my life-long
sentence with you,
knowing that by doing so,
I will enable others to
experience the bounteous joy
and happiness that
comes from true
and unselfish love.
I, Ennogard of Tensley,
vow to forever accept
you as my husband,
as you vowed to forever
concede your war
against love and
all that show it.
- Finished? Great!
Moving right along.
- Ah. Marvelous.
Now. As you have both
exchanged your vows
and are ready to be
joined together as one,
if there is any in
objection to this ordinance,
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
- I object!
If no one else is going to.
- Impossible!
I told you not to do that part!
- Is that all you got?
- No, good fool, I
have not yet begun
to show you the
extent of my talents.
- Good. Because that
last one was pretty weak.
- It is useless to waste
expert magic on an amateur.
A simpleton must be
dealt with simply.
Tear his arms off.
- Big one.
- What was that?
- I was quite fond of him.
And now, young Ramicus,
you will die.
Nice deed, Ramicus.
But I'm afraid
Daddy's coming.
- We must hurry.
He's in trouble.
- Sorry.
Just, uh, do your best.
- Stop moving!
Let's settle this
old school, shall we?
- Well, if you insist.
I don't remember
that from school.
- Ah, come on, come on!
- Objection overruled.
I'm sorry about the wait.
- Dammit!
- Oh, my love!
- Your love is dead.
With him dies all love,
as long as I shall live.
- No! oh!
- Well done, good hero.
I'll take it from here.
Sorry, sorry.
Ramicus, I made it.
Ramicus, get up! Get up!
Come on, we need to finish this.
Get up!
No. He can't be gone.
Wake up. Wake up, I need you.
I can't do this alone.
Please, please.
You love me.
I loved you, too, brother.
I loved you so much.
I didn't ever say,
but I loved you.
The ring.
Come on.
Hold on, brother.
You're going to be okay.
Will you be all right? Speak.
- Dear cousin,
you betrayed me
for the last time.
- Tensley, I beg you
to show me mercy.
- I'm no longer
capable of mercy.
- But we are of the same blood.
You cannot do this.
- Yeah? What about you?
You promised to marry me
while you plotted my death.
- You forced me into a
love I could not abide.
It was bound to fail.
Love between blood
is an abomination.
- It is very common
in some cultures!
- I was merely
following my heart.
Surely you cannot
punish me for that.
- Oh, oh! Then you, too, must
forgive me for following mine.
For my heart tells me to
make everyone feel as cold,
empty and terrified as mine.
- This is not the answer.
- This is the only answer.
Come, my precious.
Daddy is going to make
everything all right.
- Tensley!
- Silence, woman!
This no longer concerns you.
There's a good boy.
You have nothing to fear.
This will make us more powerful
than we can ever imagine.
- Please!
- We will be invincible.
Who needs love when
you have such a pair?
The omnipotent sorcerer
and his noble Dolvarnog.
- It's pronounced Dolvernoog.
And you sound stupid when
you say it like that.
- Ramicus!
- Impossible. I
killed you already.
- Yeah, you know, that's
the funny thing about magic.
You never know
what's gonna happen.
- No problem.
Actually, this is quite fitting.
You can join your pathetic
love as the latest victim
of the new and very much
improved love dragon.
- Yeah, we'll see about that.
- How are they catching these?
- That's the funny
thing about magic.
You really don't know
what's gonna happen.
- Oh.
How cute.
The virgin and the warrior,
the little family reunion.
I'm afraid you're too late.
It is beautiful.
Witness the beast in full power.
Thus begins the age of dragons,
a new breed no dragon hunter
or paladin can slay.
Now, my precious.
You shall obey my every command.
- Run away. You can
still save yourself.
- I will not leave you.
- Pitiful creatures,
taking refuge in love.
We'll see if love
can save them now.
Hear me, my beauty!
Destroy once and for all the
vile creature before you,
who has poisoned my heart
and become an enemy of love.
- Now, let's finish the job.
- No! No, stop.
Release me.
- No, no, wait!
- No. No, it's okay.
He's harmless.
- He just ate his master.
- He was only obeying
Tensley's command.
- Er, maybe I heard
wrong, but I'm pretty sure
he told him to eat you.
- He was commanded to
destroy the creature
who poisoned his heart.
- The enemy of love.
Oh, good boy.
- But what about Larec?
He may look all nice
and cuddly right now.
But she's about to
die because of him.
- It wasn't his choice.
- What difference does it make?
Without that talon, she dies!
I'm not gonna sit
here and do nothing.
- Camilan...
- Thank you.
- Looks like you
have your talon.
Let's get you back
to your little lady.
- We better hurry.
We only have a couple
of hours til morning.
- Relax. You'll get
there way before dawn.
Okay. He knows exactly
where to take you.
All you have to do is hold on.
- Okay. Just tell
him to take it easy.
Let's not break any records.
This is my first
time on dragon back.
- Let's just hope
it's not your last.
I'm kidding!
- Some things never change.
All right, wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Good luck.
- See you soon.
- Wait.
- What now?
- I've been thinking about
that funny accent of yours.
- Ramicus, please. It just
was a stupid phase. It just...
- I think it sounds really cool.
- Are you serious?
- See what I mean?
It's so regal.
I think it's gonna catch on.
- It just feels right coming
off the tongue, you know?
Thank you, brother.
- No. Thank you.
After all, you were my gift.
Speaking of gifts,
you're gonna need this.
You're still planning
to go through
that whole marriage thing?
- I most certainly will.
- Well, all the same.
Maybe it's best you don't
invite me to the wedding.
I've been known to object.
- Well, you know, I'm
glad that's over with.
- Yeah. You know, yeah.
That was pretty intense
there, for a bit.
- Yeah. I mean,
you're telling me.
- I think we should
- I was gonna ask...
- Sorry. you go.
- No. No, you go. You go.
- I think we would...
- It was just that...
- Well. About the whole
rewards and everything.
I was just doing
this for my brother.
So, you know, I'll
take the castle
and the lands and everything.
But don't feel like you
have to follow through
with the whole, you know ...,
endlessly devoting
your soul to me,
and also your body, to me.
No. We could just be friends.
Maybe take it slow?
- Yeah, we could do that.
- I'm coming for you, Larec!
Go, go, go!
- Camilan! You've done it.
- No, my dear. Not yet.
But now.
- Oh, I've missed you so much.
- Oh, my dear Larec.
I promise you, I will
never leave your side.
Not in a million
years. I will stay...
- I know. I know.
You've done it.
You've saved my life.
- No, my dear. We
did it. And now...
to put this where
it belongs, forever.
- It's all right. He's harmless.
Ladies, I'd like
you meet Noogie.
- See you in a week!
- Bye!
- Wow.
- I'm married!
- I'm really proud of you.
- Really?
- Yeah. You just
witnessed your brother
commit his entire life
and love to a woman,
and you didn't make a peep.
- His funeral.
- Watch it...
or it might be yours.
- Hey guys, no fair.
Let's everybody kiss!
- Wait!
- Not bad, brother.
I mean, for an orc.
- Well, load up the dojo wagon.
- Bugger!
- These horses have a
minds of their owns!
- If you're looking for some
secret, hankies would do,
secret alpha goblins.
Shokdor's rather nice.
- Yeah, dude.
- It's, like, "Nah, who cares?"
- Where's, where's my top hat?
- You're an idiot.
- No, man. It's not like I
would ever be interested in her.
I mean, even if I
was a creepy old guy,
and I had a spell book
to, uh, blind me,
um, of race differences and...
cleanly features.
- Just like father.
- Ha! Ha!
I hate wolves and arrows.
I can't stand the wolves.
Our asses are grasses
if we stop here.
If we stop here, the
wolves are gonna bite us.
We're stopping here? Grandma
Sison got eaten by a wolf.
- We are dining in Gell tonight!
- Tonight!
- I said tonight, and
jinx, double jinx.
- I can't. She
looks just like mom.
Can I call her that?
- Who rubs baby oil
on you every morning
before he gets his own bath?
Who spots you when you're
lifting your kegs in the air
to get stronger?
Who walks behind
you in the forest,
singing your favorite tunes?
- You.
- Who takes the blame
when you pass gas?
Who gets drunk so that you
can know what it feels like?
Who skinny dips with you
because you're too
afraid to go alone?
- Who draws you dirty
pictures to look at?
- Okay, I'll see you guys.
- Oh, one second.
Where'd you go?
- Doorman.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh, yeah.
Dragon Warriors,
Dragon Warriors
Dragon Warriors
Have you ever been
a dragon warrior
Out on the street?
- I have.
- Looking
for all your dragon stuff?
Looking for a girl to meet?
There's a friend out there
For everyone.
There's someone there
For you and for me.
Dragons on the street,
Dragons in the air
Watch out or else
They'll come and get you.
Doesn't matter where.
If you're in love,
If you need a hug,
Those dragons
are coming for you
There's nothing you can do.
Dragon Warriors.
Dragon Warriors,
Dragon Warriors