Due Date (2010) Movie Script
Encoded by RippeR
MAN:
I just had the strangest dream.
It's Friday.
We're at the hospital.
But it's not a hospital,
it's a forest of sorts.
And l know that because
right next to you there's a bear.
A grizzly, cooling his feet in a stream.
And all of a sudden,
you begin to deliver...
...and l can't get to you.
But the bear can.
And next thing l know...
...he is holding our beautiful baby boy.
And here's where it gets odd. Uh....
He chews the cord.
But, strangely, l'm okay with it.
That's gotta be a good sign.
Theodore. Loved it.
But remember that article I told you about?
Naming kids after famous people?
I don't want Teddy to think he's a failure
if he doesn't wind up on Mount Rushmore.
Uh, Arthur. Oh!
This was tough, because it's mythological.
Round Table, the whole deal.
But "The Name Game." Remember that?
"The Name Game"?
"Art-Art-bo-Bart, Banana-Fana-fo-Fart."
Brings us to Casey.
This whole next slew of names:
Casey, Jordan, Dylan, Drew, Taylor,
Tyler and probably mostly Skylar...
...are all names that
could be girls' names.
Why don't we just cut to the chase
and call him Cindy?
DRIVER: Yeah, Atlanta.
Trying to get out of this place.
-Denver's where it's at, man.
-Mm-hm.
They got the whole underground
government conspiracy thing going on.
-That so?
-l'm hearing a lot of chatter...
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
-...on the message boards.
-Gotcha. l should grab this.
-Sorry. Hey, honey.
WOMAN: Hey, sweetie.
-Did you get my message?
-l did.
I'm about halfway through it.
I thought I'd take a little break.
Ha, ha. I didn't want you to think l was
arbitrarily dismissing those names.
You considered them carefully.
It's just such a big decision, you know?
I know.
Clearly, you're taking it very seriously.
More importantly,
what are you wearing?
Armani Exchange.
I'm talking to my--
No, no, that's just the driver, baby.
Okay, listen, l'm about to be dropped off.
I should go.
-l love you, can't wait to see you.
-l love you too. Safe flying.
DRIVER: Here you go.
-Perfect.
Yep.
DRIVER:
What in the eff?
-Goddamn it!
-We done knocked it right off.
Hey, man! You just hit my car!
-You just knocked my door off, man.
SHELBY: Sorry about that.
First things first,
is everybody okay?
DRIVER: l'm in a Town Car!
Don't you know airport protocol?
Town Cars have the right of way always!
That right there is some serious damage.
That ain't shit!
DRIVER: My brother-in-law
is gonna kill me. l'm through!
You okay?
Sorry about my friend.
He's been drinking.
You smell boozy too.
Drinking and driving together?
Well, we haven't been drinking.
I mean, we split a six-pack.
Of 40s. But....
You know what?
My father always had a saying:
When a day starts like this,
it's all uphill from here.
That's actually incorrect.
-My dad used to say it.
-No, it's all downhill from here.
Everybody wants to be up.
Nobody wants to be down.
It's easier as you go down.
He didn't know what he was talking about.
-Hey, Shelby? We good?
-We're cool, man. I'll take care of it.
-Okay.
SHELBY: Go get them, Hollywood!
PETER: Excuse me. Sir?
You mind picking these up?
I can't. You're not supposed to touch
other people's luggage at an airport.
Handle your own baggage.
Bag check!
-This your bag, sir?
-ls there a problem?
-l'm gonna have to search it real quick, sir.
-Yeah. Feel free.
Mad magazine? That's cute.
That's not mine.
-This is your bag?
-That's not--
Jackpot!
That's definitely not mine.
My bag got switched with this--
-You packed your bag yourself?
-But not that.
I've never done drugs in my life.
This is absolutely-- This is crazy.
Maybe you a drug mule.
-Do l look like a drug mule?
-l don't know, how do drug mules look?
-You're the expert.
-What, like me?
-Who said that?
-Your eyes.
My eyes said something? Did my mouth?
I don't think you look like a--
Do you mind not tossing it up so much?
Whoo! Funky motherfucker, ain't you?
You are so inappropriate, it's crazy.
I been called a lot of things,
but "inappropriate"?
That's some fucked-up shit, yo.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at this, Sonny.
Fancy.
Died and gone to heaven.
Are you not aware
that there's a person here?
ETHAN:
Sorry.
Well, hello!
How you doing?
What brings you up to first class?
The seat that I procured--
ETHAN: Oh, sorry.
ATTENDANT: Excuse me.
I was in low class, and my seat belt
didn't work, and they bumped me up.
It's called economy.
Lucky day. Nice to see you.
Sorry how we met, but, you know....
Oh, you know what?
-l think we switched our bags at the curb.
-l know we did.
Your bag was confiscated.
It had paraphernalia in it.
Marijuana pipe.
Well, that's a medical apparatus.
-l have glaucoma.
-Sure, you have glaucoma.
Attention, in preparation for takeoff,
please turn off all electronic devices...
...and if you have a laptop, please stow it.
Thank you and enjoy your flight.
They made the announcement.
You should turn that off.
-Yeah, I get it.
-Just turn it off. You know why?
-l'm gonna turn it off.
-They get uneasy...
...because they know terrorists use their
phones to trigger bombs in their luggage.
Shh. Pst, pst, pst.
-That's not the word you want to say.
-"Terrorist" or "bomb"?
-You said both the words.
-l understand.
-l'm trying to tell you that l read--
-Stop trying to tell me and listen.
Don't say words
that put people on edge.
ETHAN: I'm trying to be informative.
PETER: lt's not cool.
Would you and your friend mind
stepping to the front of the plane?
My friend?
I'm sorry, I need you
to come with me, please.
Listen. This clown,
I've never seen before in my life.
That's not true.
We switched bags at curbside.
-That was an accident. And he had--
MAN: Sir!
Federal air marshal.
Please step to the front of the plane.
What? Why?
Drop the device.
-lt's not a device, it's a BlackBerry.
-Drop the device!
What are you gonna do, rent-a-cop?
Shoot me--?
[CROWD SCREAMS]
It's okay, everyone. He'll be fine.
It's only a rubber bullet.
[APPLAUDlNG]
Good news, Mr. Highman.
They found your bags on the airplane.
-Oh, good.
-Unfortunately, that plane's over Kansas.
-Figures.
-But l do have your cell phone for you.
Now, if you wouldn't mind just signing this.
It's a simple release.
So l don't sue you.
Just saying we acted in accordance
with state law.
-Sure did.
-Good.
If you put your address there,
I'll have your bags shipped.
Let them land at LAX and l'll pick them up
when l get there. When's the next flight?
-ln an hour, but you won't be on it.
-Why's that?
You're on the No-Fly list.
-Why?
-lt says right here.
-You and your friend.
-Who?
-The gentleman l just interviewed.
-l've never seen that dipshit before.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-He had nice things to say about you.
-l'm on a No-Fly list? This is ridiculous.
-Regardless--
-No.
I have a pregnant wife, I have to get back.
This is a huge misunderstanding.
-What am l supposed to do?
-Have you ever seen Forrest Gump?
Yes.
Well, he ran across country,
and he was pretty stupid.
So l have faith in you.
You're free to leave.
SARAH [OVER PHONE]:
What kind of incident?
PETER:
I'm probably overstating.
It's the manageable kind.
A micro-incident.
But it unfortunately landed me
on a No-Fly list.
What did you do, Peter?
Did you snap at somebody?
Nope. I did not. l was cool,
calm and collected the whole time.
I was completely in my rights.
You get so carried away sometimes.
How are you gonna get home?
I have a plan.
And the plan is sorting itself out.
-But my wallet is traveling.
-What?
The ID's in it, l've been trying
to rent a car, I had the office fax--
But l am exhausting any
and all opportunities to--
[CAR ALARM WAlLS]
Hey! I've been looking all over for you.
-Stay away from me.
ETHAN: But I found something of yours.
Honey, this might all be solved.
I'll call you right back.
Peter?
You got my stuff?
-l grabbed it before they zip-tied me.
-Rally Monkey?
-You get my wallet?
-l didn't see it.
Where's my bag?
I saw your bag, but I didn't grab it
because my hands were full.
You know, I had this thing in my hand.
-What kind of car did you get?
-l didn't, because I don't have a license...
...because it's in my wallet
that's on the.... Right?
Oh, shoot. What a bummer.
Yeah, bummer.
Thanks for the doll.
Fucking idiot.
Hey, you wanna ride with us?
No, I'm fine.
I'm not really a big dog person.
Look, l know we got off
on the wrong foot.
But l have a really great personality
once you get to know me.
Yeah, l'm sure you do.
I got 90 friends on Facebook.
Twelve pending, but I got 90 friends.
I'll cover expenses.
You can pay me back
when we get to Hollywood.
PETER: L.A.
ETHAN: Huh?
It's not called Hollywood.
It's Los Angeles.
Yeah, but l'm going to Hollywood.
What's your name?
Peter.
My name's Ethan. Ethan Tremblay.
And this little guy...
...this little butterball...
...this is Sonny.
And we would be honored
to have you ride with us. Come on.
It'll be fun.
[ETHAN SQUEALS AND LAUGHS]
JK. LOL.
HI. "Hop in."
Life's weird, isn't it? Buckle up.
ETHAN: You have any brothers or sisters?
PETER: No.
ETHAN: You have a dog?
PETER: Nope.
Let me ask you this:
What's your favorite color?
-Blue.
-That's so cool. Mine's green.
Wow.
-Do you like hot dogs?
-Yes, I do.
I'm more of a corn-dog man, myself.
I once ate a foot-long corn dog
on a nude beach.
I'll never do that again.
-At what age did you lose your virginity?
-l'm not gonna discuss that.
-l was 9 years old.
-Boy.
Great gal. Great gal.
Sheila Pimples.
I'm getting a headache,
not because of you.
It's just, l'm under a lot of pressure.
My wife and l are having a baby.
-On Friday. That's who the monkey's for.
-Oh, really?
-Yep. C-section.
-That's sweet.
-So if we could just.... Thanks.
-l understand. God, l totally understand.
I was supposed to meet
a bigtime agent in Hollywood.
Luckily, he postponed.
-So you're an actor.
-Yep.
Yep. You know what?
In fact, l wouldn't mind having
a fresh pair of eyes--
Hey, hey, hey.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
My apologies. Look at this.
-Okay. If you'd just look at the road.
-l got it.
-Oh, your headshots.
-Headshots.
This one, this is a laid-back guy
with a Hawaiian shirt...
...but he packs a piece.
-lnteresting.
-Yep.
This one was my father's favorite.
He says it really showed my spirit.
And l agree with him.
PETER:
What's that, a--?
That's a gang member,
a construction worker, and....
And a nerd. A professor.
No. I'm Malcolm X.
He thinks he's human. So stupid.
What brought you to Atlanta?
Business or pleasure?
-Business.
-Business.
What kind of business?
Architecture.
-How'd you get into architecture?
-College. Anything else?
-Because I'm trying to--
-l'm sorry.
We're gonna be traveling.
It wouldn't hurt to get to know each other.
Okay.
Ethan, what brought you to Atlanta?
Business or pleasure?
My daddy died.
I went to Atlanta to go to his funeral.
Gee, I didn't know. l'm sorry.
He was a great guy, man.
That's why I'm heading out West.
He's the one that motivated me
to get on the TV.
-TV?
-Yeah.
Tough business to break into.
So competitive.
I have a friend, he's in that industry.
-Does he work on Two and a HalfMen?
-No. He--
That's too bad.
Because Two and a Half Men...
...is the reason I wanted
to become an actor.
-Right.
-Especially the second season.
PETER:
Here's the plan.
We are just outside Birmingham...
...and we got a late start, so we will
only make it just to inside Louisiana.
Early to bed, early to rise.
Long 1 6- to 1 8-hour haul,
which will land us in Phoenix, Arizona.
-Eight hours outside of L.A.
-You know what'd be nice?
If we could stop at the Grand Canyon.
We're not going to the Grand Canyon.
That would be easily 1 20 miles off
our optimum route.
That's too bad.
Daddy would've loved
the Grand Canyon.
Why do you even have this?
Oh, because this is my daddy.
These are his ashes.
Why are your father's ashes
in a coffee can, Ethan?
Because he's dead, Peter.
-l know. l know that part.
-Don't you listen to anything?
I'm just saying,
normal people put remains in an urn.
ETHAN:
This is vacuum-sealed.
You broke the seal
when you poured out the coffee.
You poured your father's remains in
and closed it. That didn't reseal it.
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
[SNEEZES]
God. We shouldn't have come here.
I'm allergic to waffles.
ETHAN:
Come on, Sonny. Thank you.
We need to make a brief pit stop
in Birmingham.
Actually, our next stop is Shreveport.
That's where we rest.
-lt's 1 0 minutes away.
-Let's see if we can make it.
Why you making a pit stop in Birmingham?
We gotta make time.
I left my glaucoma medication
on the plane.
Wait, wait, wait. Your what?
You mean your weed?
-lt's medical marijuana, Peter.
-No, it's weed.
-Why do you make everything so dark?
-lt's weed.
I'm saying l really don't want to stop
and buy drugs. Is that okay?
I didn't want to play this card,
certainly not this early.
But guess what. Guess who's got
the Subaru lmpreza. Me.
Guess who's got all the money. Me.
Guess who's got
a winning personality. Me.
What do you have?
You have a nice hairline, fine.
You have a strong jaw, fine.
But l gotta tell you something, mister.
Your personality needs some work.
My God.
Now, do you want a ride
to California or not?
-Yes, please.
-Good. Hold Dad.
-Dad!
-l'm sorry. I got it. I got it, I got it.
Okay. God Almighty, holy moly.
It's like l'm traveling with a child.
-Did you use the restroom?
-l need to take a pee-pee.
[LINE RINGS]
SARAH: Peter?
-Crisis averted, l'm driving.
-Driving how?
-Let me talk to her.
With a guy-- Please don't.
With a guy that l met in a rent-a-car.
You're gonna drive 2000 miles
with a guy you just met?
Say hi to--
Sarah? Hi, this is Ethan Tremblay.
I'm riding with Peter. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Good, good. l wanted to let you know
I have your package, and he is A-okay.
And I will have him
delivered by Thursday.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Sarah? One other thing.
Do you have a hairdresser out West?
I got this killer perm,
and it needs major upkeep.
I'm sorry, did you say
that you have a perm?
Yeah, a perm. Like a permanent.
PETER: It's heinous.
ETHAN: Do you mind?
-Can l just talk to my husband, please?
-Yeah. Okay, hold on.
-She wants to talk to you.
-l know.
-So that's what l'm dealing with.
-Oh, my God.
PETER:
Yep. God bless us all.
[BUZZES]
-Stop worrying.
-l'm not worried.
She's very legitimate.
I found her on Craigslist.
WOMAN:
Who is it?
Fantastic.
ETHAN:
Hi. lt's Ethan. I called you earlier.
Honestly, like two minutes, okay?
Just buy it and then go.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-That was fast.
-Yeah, we were very close.
I'm Ethan, this is Peter.
-Are you a cop?
-Why? Are you not a licensed pharmacist?
Okay, you just look really official.
And you know if l ask you if you're a cop
and you are a cop, you have to say yes.
That's a myth. That's actually incorrect.
But l'm not.
-No, he's an architect.
-l'm an architect. So....
-Wait, it's a myth?
-Yeah.
Shit! I did not know that
this whole fucking time.
-That's good news.
-You're fucking scary, is what you are.
-Come in. The pharmacy's in the kitchen.
-Thank you.
Hey, Peter, can you watch my kids just for
five minutes, while we han-- You know.
-Real quick.
-Thanks.
Who are you?
I'm Peter.
I'm Alex. This is Patrick.
Great. Alex. Mommy gave you
a boy's name.
What's that supposed to mean?
Alex is also a name for a boy.
So your mom kind of screwed you.
Sorry, my hand slipped.
That one l just got in. lt's an Afghan blend
of Wild Widow and AK-47.
You know, I'm not crazy about blends.
I find that the high is a bit shapeless.
A purist. Well, that's cool.
You'd probably love Northern Lights.
I mean, this has got great body.
It smokes like a fucking dream.
Oh, that's just Barry.
He's renting a room from me.
Hey, Barry. How you doing? I'm Ethan.
Listen, did you remember to TiVo
Judge Mathis?
HElDI: Yeah. lt's on there,
if you just look at the menu.
Nice perm, man. Well done.
Well done on that perm.
Oh, thanks, bro.
It's not a perm, it's natural.
Nobody gets perms anymore.
Wait, wait. Don't tell me. Is that a perm?
Yeah. lt's a perm. Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God.
You didn't have your real hair.
-Where do you even get those anymore?
-l know! lt's like....
I was just kidding about--
This isn't a perm.
BARRY: Excuse me?
-This isn't a perm. I was joking.
-Oh, my God. Thank God. Because l was--
-Ha, ha!
You got us. You got us both, man.
You know, only, like,
fucking jerk-offs get perms.
-That was good. Very good.
-That was hilarious.
-Where are you from?
-Los Angeles.
-ls that where you're going?
PETER: Mm-hm.
Can you take us with you?
No, but there's an organization
called Child Protective Services.
-What's this?
-lt's a tie. You've never seen a tie before?
Why do you wear it?
Because I wear it.
-lt looks stupid.
-Well, it's not.
Just take your hands off of me.
Please stop doing that.
Stop. Please stop doing that now.
-Will you please--?
-lt's Reggie.
Is that right? Well, maybe Reggie
needs to take a nap.
Hey, quit it. l'm not kidding.
[PETER GRUNTS
AND PATRICK COUGHlNG]
You okay, bubba?
-What?
-Nothing.
"Nothing" is right.
[IMITATING MARLON BRANDO]
And now, you come to me and you say:
"Don Corleone, give me justice."
But you don't even have the decency
to call me the Godfather.
And you come to my house...
...on the day that my daughter
is to be married...
...and you ask me to kill someone.
For money.
But that is not justice.
That's amazing.
I had chills, like, that second paragraph.
When the line-- The murder.
That is so fucking good, Ethan.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. I've been
working on the hand gestures to get it right.
Did you write that yourself?
No. The Mafia wrote it.
HElDI: Oh, that was so--
It was nice meeting you, anyway.
Play it cool, or I'll thump you again.
Sure, sure. You all set?
Yeah. Good to go.
How were they?
They behave themselves?
Pretty much. Pretty much.
HElDI: Oh, good.
PETER: Yeah.
I mean, they're great kids.
We good?
-See you. Good luck.
ETHAN: Bye-bye. Bye.
Good luck with your acting stuff.
MAN [OVER HEADPHONES]:
--is judging the character.
When an actor is preparing a scene...
...first thing is read the scene over
many times.
First, before you do any work on it,
let it work on you.
Read the material over and over again.
The entire script, if at all possible.
PETER:
Hey, Hollywood.
Card's been declined.
-What's that?
-Your card? lt's no good.
-Oh, gosh.
-lt's okay.
You know what? l bet I tapped it out
when l rented this car.
Great. We'll pay cash.
How much you got?
Sixty bucks.
You have 60 bucks entirely?
-Yes.
-How much did you spend on marijuana?
-On your medicine?
-l don't know, around 200 bucks.
-Two hundred bucks?
-Yeah.
Sixty bucks for gas, food,
lodging, everything?
She's the only dealer in town.
She names her price.
What were you thinking when you spent
almost all of our money on drugs?
-l don't think in those terms.
-What terms do you think in?
I'm not an accountant.
I'm not even Jewish.
-Are you an adult?
-Of course l'm an adult. I'm 23 years old.
You are the most shot-out
How have you made it?
How have you not run yourself over?
I've done that.
How have you survived?
That's my question.
-Mostly luck.
-Yeah.
That's what l thought.
Just dumb fucking luck.
[DOG WHlMPERS]
-Fuck me.
-Whoa! For heaven's sakes, Peter.
-We're screwed, Ethan.
-How so?
-You spent all our money on weed!
-lt's just another speed bump.
You know what? l'm gonna call my wife.
She's gonna wire me money. That's it.
She can't. You don't have an lD.
She'll wire it to you.
See? That's an adult solving a problem.
-Let's go.
-l told you l was lucky.
Get in the car.
Hold on one second. I'm gonna go get
a brochure for my scrapbook, okay?
-How do you spell the last name?
ETHAN: T-R-E-M-B-L-A-Y.
Here we go.
Five hundred dollars. Ethan Tremblay.
I just need to see an ID.
There you go.
Yeah, this doesn't say Tremblay.
It says Ethan Chase.
Oh, jeepers creepers.
He's right, he's right.
What do you mean, "he's right"?
Ethan Tremblay is my stage name.
I'm an actor.
-Your stage name. What is your real name?
-Ethan Chase.
-lt doesn't sound like an actor's name.
-Ethan Chase does.
Ethan Tremblay doesn't
make any goddamn sense.
It sounds like it was made up.
Yeah, l made it up.
Ethan, l know you made it up.
It's your fucking stage name.
Why did you have my wife wire money
to your stage name?
-l wasn't thinking.
-Right.
Just trying to commit to the new name.
Do you guys wanna discuss this,
perhaps out in the parking lot?
One sec. Do you have anything else
with your name on it?
-Yes. Of course. Yes, yes.
PETER: Good.
What was I thinking?
PETER: He has two names.
-That's fantastic.
But one sec.
-What the fuck is this?
-lt's an ID.
It's a photo lD.
-No, I can't accept this either.
-Why?
Because it's a picture of yourself.
Anyone could take a picture...
...in a beautiful turtleneck,
put whatever name they want.
But why go to all that trouble
just for 500 bucks?
I don't know why you would,
but you could.
So l get to call my pregnant wife and have
her drive all the way to Western Union.
Start this whole process all over again,
send it to the correct name...
...and we'll be good.
-Absolutely.
PETER: Great.
We'll have to do that tomorrow.
We close in five minutes.
It's 6:35, sir.
What are you, my boss?
You make the hours?
I say when we close. l got reservations
at Chili's. l'm meeting my boys.
-You have a reservation at Chili's?
LONNIE: Mm-hm.
That's actually smart. l mean,
it gets busy on a Wednesday night.
Are you gonna stare at me?
Do your fucking job
until your shift is over, hillbilly.
-Keep dreaming, faggot. No way in hell.
-Oh, really?
Excuse me, Peter. Sir.
I'm sorry about my friend. We really just
need the money to get to Los Angeles...
...so he can be there
for the birth of his first child.
That's such a sweet story. You know
where l was when my daughter was born?
ETHAN: Chili's?
-lraq.
How about l call my sergeant in Fallujah
and tell him your story, see what he thinks?
Aren't you closing?
Is it gonna take a long time?
He's being sarcastic, Ethan,
and also letting us know...
...that he's a "battle-hardened" veteran...
...who did some half-assed tour
and talks about it all the time.
How dare you.
-Smooth move, that.
-You're sick.
You fucked up. Bigtime.
-l fucked up?
-Yeah.
I fucked up bigtime?
You spit on your own window.
-Let's get out of here.
-Hey, sport?
What were you saying about
my half-assed tour of duty?
-l'm sorry. I had no idea.
LONNIE: No idea what?
-l'm handicapable?
PETER: Handicapable.
-How could you know?
-l couldn't know, and I'm sorry.
Can l tell you something? Honestly,
it's my fault. l'm just having a bad day.
LONNIE: You had a bad day?
-Yeah.
It's about to get a whole lot worse.
-Okay, now put that away before you--
ETHAN: Help!
Oh, l know that shit hurt, huh?
-Ah. Fucking hick.
ETHAN: Oh, God.
LONNIE:
The kid's got moves.
You wanna fuck up my dinner plans,
I'll fuck you up.
[PETER YELLS]
I call that little move "the wheelbarrow."
ETHAN: Peter, get up, get up.
-Come on. Come on.
-Courtesy of Western Union, huh?
-Hold on one second.
-Oh, where you going, huh?
PETER: Call the cops.
LONNIE:
Fuck the cops.
Here comes the train.
Choo-choo!
[SINGlNG]
It's closing time
Time to roll to Chili's
And chow down with my fuckin' boys
You okay, buddy?
Don't call me that. Buddies have each
other's backs when an assault takes place.
Peter, that man was handicapped.
You can call me Peter. Or Mr. Highman.
I'll call you Mr. Chase.
Unless that was a fake lD too.
Why you have a stage name is beyond me.
You're not really an actor.
What does that mean, "really an actor"?
What is a real actor?
A real actor is someone
who can really act.
Well, go ahead, give me an action to do.
Give me a scene.
-No. I don't want to.
-You should.
Okay. l'm Julia Roberts.
You have terminal cancer.
We're engaged.
Break the news to me.
Julia Roberts...
...as you know, we're engaged.
I have terminal cancer.
Awful.
-What?
-Sorry, that's my feedback.
-l thought that was really good.
-Nope.
I'll give you one more shot.
It's Super Bowl Sunday.
You're a coach with a spotty career.
You're down 31 points.
Bust into the locker room
and fire the guys up.
All or nothing. Action.
-Stupid. That would never be in a movie.
-lt's in a movie every two years.
Every two years.
Okay, guys, we need to get out there.
Really need to get going.
Pollard, what are you doing?
You're acting like a girl out there.
What are you, a girl or something?
Jackson, come on, man,
you gotta get yourself together.
-What are you, a girl or something?
-Let's up the stakes. Your wife calls.
She wants a divorce.
-The coach's wife?
-The coach you're playing.
His wife calls. She wants a divorce.
Ring-ring.
Hello?
Hey, fellas, it's gonna be a minute.
It's my wife. She wants a divorce.
Hey, sweetheart.
What's that?
No, don't--
This is not a good time.
[SOBBlNG]
Because I lost my dad,
I don't want you to leave me right now.
I don't wanna be left alone.
I miss him so much.
You can't do this.
I got soda. l got water.
Okay. Great.
Thank you.
-Crazy rain.
-Nuts.
I think we're done for today.
We'll sleep in the car.
Okay.
We'll kill it tomorrow. But this is....
So tell me something about your dad.
What did he do for a living?
He was a toll-booth operator.
Really?
He was a real people person.
He loved his job.
He'd come home every night and he'd laugh
about how long his line was.
Because he enjoyed talking to everybody
that went through the toll booth.
Oh.
What about you? Where's your dad?
Uh....
No idea.
ETHAN:
When's the last time you saw him?
Ooh.
Ouch.
Yep. Came into my room, said,
"Petey, l got an important job for you.
I need you to wake me up,
And l was ecstatic because
he never asked me to do anything.
I didn't even know l existed
in his eyes. So....
It was just a big deal. l was so excited.
I set the alarm clock. I could barely sleep.
I just watched it all night.
When it went off at 5:30,
I snuck into his room...
...l gingerly wake him up.
He smiled at me.
First time l ever saw him...
...uh, smile.
But he had his bags packed
by the front door...
...and he picked them up,
put them in the back of his car...
...and drove away.
Last time l ever saw him.
[LAUGHlNG]
It's so funny.
Oh, my gosh.
My dad would never do that.
He loved me.
[SQUISHING]
What's that sound?
What sound?
Mm.
No, it stopped.
[SQUISHING CONTINUES]
-Okay, it's back.
-That's me. l'm just masturbating.
What? Why?
This is how l go to sleep.
Oh, don't, don't, don't. Come on, dude.
I'm right here next to you.
Just shut your eyes, Peter.
They're closed. The sound.
Just bear with me.
-How long is this gonna take?
-Ugh!
If you keep interrupting me
it's gonna take a little longer...
...but it usually just takes
about 35 minutes.
Is that all?
Your fucking dog's doing it too.
Sonny! Stop!
Sonny, no. Stop.
Good boy.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[ETHAN GRUNTS]
PETER:
Come here, garbage face. Come here.
Don't even think about it.
Had to be done.
Please. Don't.
Intolerable. lntolerable.
[YELLS]
[HONKS HORN]
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it. No.
Great. This is great.
Fuck.
Don't.
Okay.
We are gathered in the presence
of the Lord and all things holy...
...to celebrate the passing of one Mr.--
I don't remember his fucking name.
Chase. Or a.k.a. Tremblay.
May he forever reside and dwell
in the sunlight of the spirit.
Amen.
You know, I just wanna offer
an explanation, sir...
...as to why you wound up
on the side of lnterstate 20.
It's not your fault. lt's your kid.
He's an incredibly difficult person
to travel with.
In fact, l don't know how or why...
...you didn't just strangle him
in the fucking crib.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
Hey, buddy.
Forget something?
No. I got....
I got coffee.
Dunkin' Donuts.
Thought maybe you left me.
I picked up breakfast
so we can eat on the road, make up time.
-Why'd you leave my stuff out here?
-lt's your property.
-That makes sense.
-Yep.
Want me to drive?
-lt is your shift.
-Okay. Very good.
PETER:
I'll grab the other items.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Come on, Sonny.
Sonny, come on.
I was thinking, "There's no way
that Peter would have left me here.
We've had our bumps in the road,
but he's not gonna leave me."
-Oh, please, no. lt's not my car.
-Right.
Yeah. Come on. Get in, Sonny.
You know, my mind works
in mysterious ways.
And l thought, "God, why would
he wanna travel alone, you know?"
You have a nice shower?
-Yes, excellent.
-Great.
You know, rest areas
have the nicest showers.
The nicest showers.
This coffee's hot.
-lt's hot coffee.
-Whoo!
-Have we crossed the Mississippi River?
-We're in Texas.
The Mississippi River was the river
we crossed in Mississippi.
That's too bad.
Would have been a great sendoff
for my papa.
Put his ashes in the old river. Let the ashes
float down to New Orleans, you know?
Spend Mardi Gras there.
-l'm gonna get some shuteye, okay?
-Nothing he loved more than jazz music...
...and women's titties.
-Did l snore last night?
-Mm-hm.
Sorry. l'm a deep sleeper.
It's a condition.
You know when they say, "That guy
could sleep through an earthquake"?
I've actually slept
through an earthquake.
I also fell asleep during a job interview
at Bank of America.
I didn't sleep last night.
I'm gonna try now.
You should have masturbated...
...because I had a glorious orgasm
and l slept like a baby.
[OVER RADlO]
--of a gentle coast
And a sun to maybe dissipate
Shadows of the mess you made
[WORKERS CLAMORING]
[BARKS]
Hey! Get up!
Ethan, wake up! Goddamn it!
Son of a bitch.
No!
[PETER YELLlNG]
PETER:
I can't feel my arm.
[PETER YELLS AND GROANS]
What happened?
I'll see if the rental agreement's in the....
You know what? l have coverage.
That's good.
[ETHAN WHlSTLING]
-Stay away from me.
-Jeez Louise, are you okay?
Am l okay? Do l look okay?
I have a broken arm, three cracked ribs.
I have seven stitches in my armpit.
Does that answer your question?
No, not okay.
-Peter, I am terribly sorry.
-Are you?
Sonny's all banged up. I'm a wreck.
You don't have a scratch.
Doctor said l was in such a deep sleep
I didn't tense up.
-l told you l was a deep sleeper.
-Yeah.
Did the doctor say it is not advisable
to fall asleep while driving?
I was just trying to rest my eyes
for a few seconds.
But seriously, next time
try not to tense up. Really.
[HORN HONKS]
PETER: One sec.
ETHAN: Who's that?
My actual friend. He's come to pick me up.
All the way from Dallas.
-Oh, good. Shotgun.
-Nope. Not us.
Just me. We're done.
And by the way,
it's been a fucking pleasure.
But just so my conscience is clear,
let me let you know...
...why you're not coming with us, okay?
It's not because you got me kicked off
a plane and shot by an air marshal.
Not because you stood by as l had my ass
handed to me by a handicapped hillbilly.
I am certainly not leaving you here...
...because you almost got me killed
during the most important week of my life.
I am leaving you here
for a far more fundamental reason:
I despise who you are at a cellular level.
I've heard that before,
and l'm trying to work on it.
-Great. Now hear this:
-Yes.
Beware. I'm warning you,
don't go to Hollywood.
The streets are not paved with gold.
They are paved with the carcasses...
...of imbeciles like you
who think they're gonna make it.
"Pray you, avoid it."
Did you get that? That was Shakespeare.
Heard of him?
Yes, l've heard of him.
He's a famous pirate.
And by the way, it's Shakesbeard.
Let me give you a little bit
of friendly advice.
Nobody who calls themselves "Hollywood"
has ever made it in Hollywood.
That I've never heard before.
Sonny, you will be sorely missed,
you little bat-faced piece of shit.
[DOG WHlMPERS
& ETHAN GASPS]
-l have never...
-Well, get used to it.
...in all of my 23 years!
-Come on, let's get out of here.
-What the fuck?
-We're moving out.
-You all right?
-What's going on?
-Thank you so much.
Who's the dude you yelling at?
He's nobody. A guy l was traveling with.
He's trouble.
He looks sad as shit.
-And you just spit on his dog.
-l spit on his d-- God, l did.
I was seeing red because he has a way of
getting under your skin. I'm fine. Let's go.
-You wanna leave him here?
-Trust me.
-Pete, how long have I known you?
-Twenty years.
-Twenty years.
-Yep.
Your energy's off. You don't wanna mess
your karma up. You have a child coming.
So whatever you need to do to fix between
you and DeBarge, you need to fix it.
Trust me.
Make it right.
Hollywood, come here.
-You see what l'm working with here?
-Oh, wow.
Okay, l've calmed down a bit.
-You ready to apologize?
-What? Fuck you!
-Wait. Oh, no.
-Let's go.
Pete, Pete, relax.
Fix it.
First of all,
I'm sorry that I spat on Sonny.
I have no recollection
of that whatsoever.
Now, if you're gonna travel
with me to Los Angeles...
...l gotta give you a couple guidelines.
Number one:
If you ask me a single question,
I'm going to flip out on you.
-So don't do that. Do you understand?
-Somewhat, yes.
Number two:
If you fall asleep for any reason...
...other than the fact that
you're in a bed and it's nighttime...
...l will disembowel you.
Make sense?
-Somewhat.
-Great.
Three: lf you're allergic to waffles,
don't eat waffles.
-Then don't take me to a Waffle House.
-Shut up!
-Relax.
-Get your stuff and get in back.
-Hold Sonny.
-Nope.
Hand me that dog, l will rip it in half.
You better check yourself
before you wreck yourself.
And then, his fault,
we're both put on a No-Fly list.
-A No-Fly list? You?
-Yeah, and it just--
Yeah. Just got worse from there.
Because he's pathological, I think.
He'll just start beating off.
-What?
-Yes.
-No lotion?
-No, no, he was dry-docking.
Is that a drainage ditch coming up?
Yes, it is.
-Would you mind?
-l'm hitting it.
Real hard.
[LAUGHS]
Ethan, you all right?
Yeah, we're good.
Next time, don't tense up your body.
Just stay loose.
[LAUGHlNG]
-There's another one up here too.
-Want to hit him again?
PETER:
We can't take your Range Rover, D.
Yes, you can. l prefer my pickup anyway.
-l'll ship it back as soon as l get there.
-No need. l'll be in L.A. on Friday.
You will? What are you doing in L.A.?
I'm not gonna miss
the birth of your baby.
But let me ask you: Doesn't it burn you up
that she's getting a C-section?
I mean, that body was so flawless,
just banging.
How did you know we were
getting a C-section?
She told me. Coffee?
Sure.
What is going on?
What are you talking about?
What's with all these stories
he has about your wife?
They used to date in college?
It was like 20 years ago.
Yeah, but come on, you don't see it?
This guy's good-looking.
He's a football player. He's charming.
-You don't know what you're talking about.
-He has beautiful hands.
I think there's something going on.
DARRYL: Here you go.
-What's this picture from?
DARRYL: What's that?
-This picture of you and Sarah.
DARRYL: Oh, yeah, that was February.
We was in San Diego.
She didn't tell you?
She mentioned that she bumped into you.
She didn't say that--
That we were throwing them back.
Getting wasted, having a good time.
Just sort of reliving some things,
you know, just....
-Real good girl. Fantastic.
-She is. Slipped her mind.
February. lsn't that about
nine months ago?
-No questions.
-Nine, 1 0 months.
Nine.
Where you at with the names?
She said you were being a real hard-ass.
-She said that?
-Yeah, she hit me in a e-mail.
-You and his wife exchange e-mails?
-Yeah.
What else do you exchange?
PETER: Ethan.
-Body fluids?
-What is he talking about?
-l don't even listen to him.
This is not bothering you? The e-mails--
Each other's ejaculate?
What?
It's when your urine turns white.
Okay, new rule: You can't...
...say a fucking word.
This is horrible. lt tastes like cat litter.
I think it tastes delicious.
You should. l was all out,
so l used the coffee you brought.
PETER:
Oh, boy.
That's his dad, it's his dad.
Fine. l'll buy some other coffee.
I apologize. What's the big deal?
His dad is the coffee.
He passed away and his remains
were in the fucking can.
Get him the fuck out.
The beard, the dog, get him out!
-l get it.
-Get him out!
I know. It took eight minutes, right?
[ETHAN WHEEZlNG AND COUGHlNG]
Oh, God! So stupid!
Where are the ashes?
Where are my dad's ashes?
PETER:
Relax.
-lt was an accident.
-Where is it?
-Where?
PETER: Right where l'm pointing.
There's the coffee machine right there.
There's the can, there's the coffeemaker.
We're gonna retrieve this.
I got it, I got it. Slow down, it's okay.
Can we just calm down?
Let me take it.
ETHAN:
Oh, God.
PETER:
Will you relax?
Oh!
[ETHAN SOBBlNG]
It's okay.
Come here, l'll help you pick it up.
There we go.
Get it back in there.
I'm sorry we drank your father.
It's okay.
Are you all right? Are you sure?
Yeah, there's plenty of him still in here.
Darryl only made three cups of coffee...
...and l think there's about eight cups
of my dad left in here.
Great.
At least he tasted good.
Not bad.
Yeah, strong.
He was full-flavored.
Robust blend.
He really enjoyed coffee.
And in the end,
he was enjoyed as coffee.
Kind of circle of life.
Lion King. All that.
I'll tell you what, the moratorium on
asking questions is officially lifted.
Fire away.
Okay.
-How's your arm?
-Not bad.
Do you think Darryl slept with your wife?
-No.
-l do.
I mean, why would he lend you
this very fancy car...
...and give you all that
walking-around money? It's....
Because he's my friend.
That's why.
Have you ever been
to the San Diego Zoo?
I have a question for you.
How did those three questions
come into your head?
I was thinking about your wife and Darryl,
Darryl getting your wife pregnant.
What their baby would look like,
maybe like a zebra baby.
Then l thought,
"Well, l've never seen a zebra."
And l thought, "Well, l should maybe
go to the San Diego Zoo...
-...when we get to California--"
-Nope, l've never been to the zoo.
Next question, please.
PETER:
Hey, hon.
It's your ever-faithful and adoring husband
calling from West Texas.
Just checking in.
Weird, it went to voicemail.
Are you on the other line with Darryl?
I actually talked to him...
...and he told me about the lovely weekend
you guys spent in San Diego.
Didn't jibe with the way
you recounted it...
...so maybe with all your e-mails
and phone calls...
...you can get your story straight.
If there's something you need to tell me
before we go down this road...
...if I'm gonna have a surprise
in the delivery room...
...l would just appreciate it
that you erase any and all--
Call me.
-Was l right or was I wrong?
-About what?
The Darryl thing, your wife,
and the mystery about the baby.
She's sleeping. l left a message.
And the casual manner with which you
bring up this topic, it makes me edgy.
So if you wouldn't mind not doing that
anymore I'd really appreciate it.
-l got some snacks.
-Yes, I see.
Unfortunately, I need you to drive.
I'm on Vicodin.
I'm not supposed to operate
heavy machinery.
I will tell you this:
If you blink, if you even look like you
might be dozing, let alone fall asleep...
...l'm gonna put hands on you. I'm gonna
choke you out with your own scarf.
Wrap that thing around your neck
and choke you the fuck out. Promise.
Seems a bit drastic.
Take off your glasses.
I bought them,
I wanted to showcase them.
It's night. You're driving.
You act like you've never been
in a fender-bender.
-Remove them.
-Okay.
-Jolt Cola? Drink it.
-Yeah.
-You're not the boss of me, you know.
-l know. Just drink it.
Please.
Attaboy.
By the way, when l fell asleep...
...that was a one-time occurrence.
-l know what l'm doing. l'm a grown man.
-Did you remember to use the restroom?
ETHAN:
Oh.
[PINK FLOYD'S "HEY YOU"
PLAYlNG OVER RADlO]
[SINGlNG]
Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
[OVER RADlO]
Hey you, with your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
[SINGlNG] Hey you
Would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home
[COUGHlNG]
This is some stuff.
This window is not working.
No, I locked them so we could get
a good clambake going on in here.
That way, Sonny could get stoned.
[DOG SNORlNG]
Am l stoned?
Do you feel stoned?
[OVER RADlO]
But it was only fantasy
No matter how he tried
He could not break free
And the worms ate into his brain
Hey you
Don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand
Divided we fall
PETER:
Then what? How did it resolve?
Well, it turns out the cheese grater
was underneath the mattress.
Ha, ha!
That is so sophisticated. And has heart.
The show has heart.
How do you know so much about this?
I run a fan site for the show. Not official,
but I've run a fan site for about six years.
I started it at an internet caf.
Used to go in there and wash my feet.
What was the site called?
It'sRainingTwoAndAHalfMen.com.
Wow.
That is sublime. Can I retract every
derogatory statement l've made about you?
Thank you, Peter. That's very sweet.
-Hand me a Bugle.
-Sure.
Thank you.
-Will you feed one to the hound?
-Very well.
Are we on the highway still?
ETHAN:
Relax, Peter, I've got it covered.
PETER:
Are you certain?
ETHAN: You're getting paranoid.
That pot got to you.
PETER:
Okay. All right, you see the flag?
It looks like a border crossing,
it says "Mexico"--
-Oh, Lord. Gosh.
-What?
I thought that said Texaco.
We're low on gas.
-Okay, we're fine.
PETER: Yep.
ETHAN:
We're good. We're good.
What are you gonna tell them?
All I'm gonna do is say,
"Look, we made a mistake."
-And we're gonna ask to turn around.
-Perfect.
Okay, l need you to be quiet.
Sit straight. Don't say anything.
Won't that be suspicious
if they ask me a question?
-Let me handle everything.
-You handle it.
ETHAN: Here we go.
-Uh-oh. He's looking right at me.
ETHAN:
Peter, please be quiet, okay?
I'm sorry.
Hello. The weirdest thing happened.
We just kind of got shifted--
Are you guys American citizens?
Yes. Yes, we are.
-The both of you?
-Yes, absolutely.
Can l see your passports?
We don't have passports.
The thing is,
we didn't mean to end up here.
Somehow, I must have taken
the wrong exit, and we're here, so....
If we could just maybe turn around
and go back?
You wanna turn around?
Yeah, it was a mistake.
We're trying to get back--
What's wrong with your friend?
Peter, don't do that.
Why are your eyes so glassy?
You been partying?
No, I have glaucoma.
What about your friend,
does he have glaucoma too?
Answer the man. Do you have glaucoma?
No, he doesn't have glaucoma.
What about the dog,
does he have glaucoma?
Because his eyes are glassy as fuck.
[PETER GlGGLES]
Shut off the car.
Give me the keys, please.
Wait right here.
[SPEAKS IN SPANlSH]
-Did l blow it?
-No, we're fine.
You are smooth.
-Wow.
-Hand me Sonny, please.
God, my heart was in my throat.
I was flipping out.
Could you hand me my father's ashes?
They're on the floorboard.
Wow. What's--? What are you doing?
PETER: We took the wrong exit,
we wound up here by mistake.
No matter how many times you ask,
that's my answer.
You sound like Jason Bourne, man.
You don't know where you're going.
No ID.
I wanna speak to
the American consulate.
I'm American, l have rights.
-Oh, yeah, sure.
-Thank you.
Hey, Ramon.
He wants to talk to his consulate.
[IN AMERlCAN ACCENT] Hello, sir.
Welcome to the American consulate.
-How can I help you?
-That's unacceptable.
What are you laughing about?
This is a serious matter. l have rights.
AGENT:
You americanos sneak into our country.
You bring drugs, you party.
You sleep with our women.
I've never heard of an American
sneaking into Mexico.
This would be an isolated incident.
It's usually the reverse.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm getting tired of your cavalier attitude.
Well, l apologize. l'm sorry.
You attempted to transport drugs
across an international border...
...dude.
This is serious shit.
[IN SPANlSH]
Okay, Daddy.
There.
[CLANKING]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[YELLS]
Shit!
Son of a bitch!
[CAR HORNS HONKlNG]
Stop!
Help!
[POLlCE SlRENS WAILING]
Oh, shoot.
PATROLMAN: Pull over!
PETER: What the fuck?
Pull the car over!
[SPEAKS IN SPANlSH]
Hold on, Sonny, it's about to get rough.
Oh, God.
[SCREAMS]
Ethan?
Hollywood!
Oh, crud.
Peter? Peter, are you okay?
PETER:
How many laws did we just break?
ETHAN:
I don't know, 60?
I had no idea where l was going.
Then l see you. Remember,
when we jackknifed together?
-But you didn't look like you.
-We locked eyes.
-God, you looked crazy!
-Yeah. Well, l'm in stealth mode.
-That's why l got the scarf on my head.
-You were like a commando.
-You were a Comanche warrior.
-Thanks.
-lt was the greatest ever.
-Thank you.
Don't move. Ready?
What? Oh.
That's your new headshot.
Ha-ha-ha!
-Yeah.
-How could it not be?
God, the pain is extraordinary.
-Will you e-mail that to me, please?
-Yeah.
Okay. All right. Just not too much, Peter.
Rescue. A daring rescue.
-You came back for me.
-Of course l did.
You're so brave.
I made you a promise.
I told you l was gonna get you home.
I'm getting you home safe, okay?
-l'm gonna kiss you.
-What?
-l'm gonna give you a smooch.
-No.
-Come on, baby.
-No way!
-Give me a little smooch.
-Stop, Peter! l'm driving! Oh!
Sick!
You got it.
-Everything's up and down with you.
-l owe you bigtime.
No way l'd see my kid
if you hadn't done that.
There's no way.
I love you, dude.
I love you too, Peter.
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
Oh, dear.
Sweetheart, I am so sorry.
You know how I get.
I've always been jealous. It's....
You knew about that.
I told you l ran into him there.
I know, and l know it has nothing to do
with you. lt's just my shit. lt's my shit.
Just listen to me, okay? Don't say anything.
Just listen to me.
I would never betray you,
Peter, you know that.
We're a family now.
Nothing else matters.
Do you understand?
-You're so right.
-Can you just get home safely, please?
-l love you, baby.
-I love you too.
Wake up. Ethan.
Check it out.
PETER:
I'm telling you, I wouldn't make it up.
ETHAN: You sure? I could've sworn
I read it was man-made.
PETER: Nope. Not correct. Very old.
Formed over time.
Grand Canyon. Known fact.
Peter, l have a photogenic memory.
I have recall for--
Ethan, l promise you. It's old. lt's the
Grand Canyon, it's not the Hoover Dam.
Well, l know it's not the Hoover Dam,
that was built by the Pilgrims.
Also incorrect.
It's magnificent though.
-You didn't have to stop, you know.
-That's okay. lt's the perfect place.
Let's hit the road.
I can do that any time.
We've got time.
We don't have to be in L.A. till morning.
What are you doing? Relax.
We should just stick with the plan,
you know?
But l thought this was part of the plan.
What am I missing, Ethan?
What's really going on?
When I said the Grand Canyon
wasn't on the way, you said:
"Too bad, it would've been perfect."
When we passed
the Mississippi River you said:
"Too bad, Dad loved titties and jazz."
I just-- You know, we got stuff to do
and l don't wanna step on it.
I know it's hard to say goodbye.
And l didn't know your dad, but from what
you've told me he was a great father.
He was a cool guy.
I'm just saying.
I'm just suggesting.
If you got it in you...
...he deserves a grand gesture.
Okay.
Come on, Sonny.
Come here, sweetheart. Yeah.
Dad, you were like a father to me.
And...
...l don't know how
I'm gonna make it without you.
But l know that you'll look after me
from up there.
I'm gonna make you proud, Dad.
Okay.
I promise.
I love you.
Say hi to Mom.
Bye, Daddy.
He was a great guy. You would've
loved him. He was just like me.
Hey....
There's something l've been wanting
to tell you I feel pretty awful about.
I kind of want to get it off my chest. I....
I ditched you at the rest stop
in Louisiana.
-What?
-l had no intention of coming back.
So wrong.
Why would you do that?
Because I'm a pig. l'm an asshole.
I'm working on it.
Well, you know what?
You came back with doughnuts.
I think that says more
about you than leaving does.
So...
...just--
You're something else. Thanks.
That's a load off.
Well, there's something l've been
wanting to get off my chest too.
Shoot.
I'm not really 23 years old.
I know.
It's okay.
The other thing is...
...Peter...
...l have your wallet
and l've had it this whole time.
What?
What are you talking about?
Peter...
...okay, listen.
Why would you do that?
I saw it on the plane
and l didn't wanna be alone.
I was feeling vulnerable
because of my father's death.
And l just didn't wanna go across country
by myself, you know?
-lt's all here.
-Yeah.
All my money, all my credit cards.
Everything....
Everything I needed.
This whole time.
-You're okay with it?
-lt's in the past.
What are you gonna do?
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Thanks, Peter.
-Yep.
Okay. Okay.
Let's just hit the road then, right?
-You get Sonny, and l'll drive.
-l'll grab him in a minute.
-After I fucking kill you!
-Ow!
You little thief prick.
Die, thief. You thief.
Calm down!
Peter, count to 1 0. It'll help. Aah!
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]
The phone's ringing!
[ETHAN COUGHlNG]
-Hello, dear.
-Peter, it's happening.
-What?
-You won't believe it. My water broke.
-How?
-Where are you?
I'm at the Grand Canyon.
I'll be there in a minute.
What? Did you just say
the Grand Canyon?
Peter?
Mom? He's at the Grand Canyon.
Oh, my God.
-Who was it?
-My wife has gone into labor.
-l thought we were having a C-section.
-Get in the car.
You stepped on my Capezios.
Okay, okay, okay!
Let's go!
Good God, you maniac.
Not gonna make it. That's great.
I'm gonna miss the birth of my child.
We are gonna make it.
There's no "we." Don't say "we."
-Okay, look-- No. Me first.
-Please, can I--?
No. You can't. I told you l saw red.
I told you l was gonna put hands on you.
I have a problem.
And l'm sorry you were
the recipient of it.
But l warned you.
-l'm sorry.
-Fine.
But in the future,
when we're hanging out as buddies...
...if we get into a fight,
don't go for my face.
-That's how l make a living. Okay?
-Okay.
Still bleeding.
Check the glove, there's probably
a first-aid kit or something.
Clean yourself up.
Check this thing out.
Oh, shoot.
[SCREAMS]
I can't believe l did that.
Sorry, Peter. I'm so sorry.
I didn't think it was loaded. Pull over.
-No, I wanna keep going.
-No. Pull over.
-l don't want to.
-Pull over.
No, it didn't happen,
it didn't happen! Why?!
-l'm in shock!
-lt burns!
ETHAN:
Pull over! Pull over!
[PETER GROANlNG]
Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic!
[GROANS]
-Oh, no.
-Yep.
It's right there, yep.
-l'm so sorry.
-Don't worry.
We gotta stop the bleeding.
I need your scarf.
-Turn around?
-No. No, a tourniquet. A tourniquet.
What the fuck are you doing?
Turn around! Stay still. l got it.
You're fine. Right here.
I need you to tie it. I only got one hand.
It's deep.
We gotta get you to a hospital.
We're going to a hospital.
We're gonna be fine.
Oh, God! What did l do?
-Stop freaking out. lt's okay.
-What did l do? What did I do?
Let's do a little acting exercise like we did
at the rest stop in the bathroom, okay?
You're a sergeant,
I'm just a grunt in your platoon...
...but you promised me that you'd get me
home to my high-school sweetheart.
Okay.
Action.
[VOMlTING]
-Peter.
-Yeah?
I puked on the wound.
I know. It's okay, buddy.
I need you to drive, but we gotta go.
Okay?
Come on.
Get in the back seat, private.
What are you, a girl or something?
-Excellent.
-Like that?
-Yeah, let's roll.
-Yeah, okay.
-Figured it out yet?
-Figured what out?
Your son's about to be born.
What will you name him?
-l'll know it when I see him.
-How about "Sonny"?
No. Not naming my son
after a masturbating dog.
Don't listen to him, Sonny. He loves you.
Sonny, no!
Sonny. Sorry.
We're heading home!
I made it.
-Okay, come on.
-l made it.
Oh, the monkey, the monkey,
the monkey.
Sonny, we'll be right back, okay?
Got it.
PETER:
Oh, fuck.
Thank you.
I have an expectant father
and a gunshot victim.
PETER:
I know where we're going. Right here.
Then we cut left.
-Shoot.
-What?
I forgot to crack a window for Sonny.
-The door's off the car, Ethan.
-Right. Okay, good.
See? Together we think of everything.
Okay, here we go.
-Let's get you cleaned up. Right?
-Great. Yeah.
Give me these guys.
It's all about to go down.
Give you a vest, cover up the blood.
Have l told you that l love your perm?
Thank you, Peter.
Look who's come around.
PETER:
Sarah?
No, come on, come on.
This way, this way. Here we go.
-Ma'am.
-Here we go.
Put your handcuffs in your pocket.
Hide them.
-Here's the Rally Monkey.
-Boom.
-Ohh!
-Just keep pushing.
Sarah?
-Sarah?
-Peter?
-You hear that?
ETHAN: Go!
SARAH: Peter!
-Sarah!
Darryl. What the fuck?
FATHER: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, hey.
-Who the hell is this guy?
You gotta go, man. You gotta go.
SARAH: Peter!
-Peter, it's this way.
What the fuck?
Baby! Baby, you made it!
-Jesus, Peter, are you okay?
SARAH: Baby?
No, I just lost a little blood.
-Ohh! Oh, my God!
ETHAN: Everybody relax.
Relax. We need to find a hospital, okay?
-Who are you?
-My name is Ethan Tremblay.
-l'm your husband's best friend.
-lt's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Let's get that baby out of your vagina.
Okay.
-Breathe.
-Ahh!
[BABY CRYlNG]
ETHAN:
Look at the babies.
Look at that baby, right?
You see it?
PETER: Hey. What do we got?
-You little rascal.
-Look what you made.
-Show me.
Ohh. He's really cute.
That's a handsome boy.
-lt's a girl, actually.
-Mm-mm.
-Yep.
-No, the--
Dr. Greene says it happens all the time.
You know, ultrasounds
aren't always reliable.
Right.
-Little Rosie.
-Rosie?
Little Rosie Highman.
Does that sound strange to you?
No, it's such a pretty name.
Sarah thought you'd be okay with it.
-When did you talk to Sarah?
-Right after l cut the umbilical cord.
-You cut it?
-The tether of life from mother to child.
I got to cut that.
-No.
-Yes.
-You?
-l kept some.
I kept a little bit of it
and put it in my wallet.
-lt's good for sore ankles and stuff.
-Wow.
Wow. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Ethan, l dreamt this.
-This is crazy. I had this strange dream...
-Yeah?
...that was today.
And there was a bear.
What?
-And the bear chewed the cord.
-Mm-hm.
That's spot-on if you think about it.
That's like a one in a....
You know what l mean?
-l don't get it. What--?
-Forget it.
It's-- It's....
It's gotta be a good sign.
I guess I'll maybe leave you
with your family...
...and l got that meeting with that agent.
-lt's Friday.
-Yeah.
Yeah, good luck.
Oh, l wanted to give you this.
It has all of my information.
-Mm-hm.
-ln case you wanna get a soda.
-Or, you know, I could babysit.
-Right.
I'll keep it handy.
We had a crazy few days.
That was nuts.
We should do it again.
Go across country again.
Okay.
-Sure.
-Call me tomorrow about it.
-lf I don't--
-Call me tomorrow about it.
I might e-mail you.
Please don't take it personally.
No, no, e-mail's fine.
[DOG WHEEZES]
-Bye, Sonny.
-Do you mind if Sonny and l take the truck?
Feel free.
-lt's been a real pleasure, Peter.
-Been a lot of things.
Thanks.
Hey. Ethan.
Welcome to Hollywood.
What? You want me
to come back and talk to you?
I was just saying
in the most general sense.
The city welcomes you.
Just make sure you call me tomorrow.
I'll call you.
[DOORBELL RlNGS]
MAN:
Be right there.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hello?
Oh, hey. I'm Stu, the tutor.
Are you Jake?
No, I'm his father.
Oh.
I'm Stu, the tutor.
Right.
Have you been smoking pot?
No, sir. Not at all.
Perhaps you're smelling my cat.
[LAUGHS]
ALAN: Your cat?
ETHAN: Yes, sir. He's an outdoor cat.
You know what, he's really funny.
Don't get crazy.
I'm telling you, the show's funny.
Come on. You love him.
You know you love him.
I survived him. There's a difference.
Um, uh, Charlie, this is Jake's tutor, Stu.
-Hey.
-I'm not high, man, it's my cat.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
CHARLlE:
Relax, Stu. We're not cops.
ETHAN:
Oh, really? He sure looks like the heat.
Like clockwork. l told him
we'd call him after we watched it.
SARAH:
He's excited.
If she says his name, I'll freak out.
ETHAN:
Pita bread?
Hummus?
Again, no thank you.
You got any more pot?
Not for $9 an hour I don't.
I mean, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Encoded by RippeR
MAN:
I just had the strangest dream.
It's Friday.
We're at the hospital.
But it's not a hospital,
it's a forest of sorts.
And l know that because
right next to you there's a bear.
A grizzly, cooling his feet in a stream.
And all of a sudden,
you begin to deliver...
...and l can't get to you.
But the bear can.
And next thing l know...
...he is holding our beautiful baby boy.
And here's where it gets odd. Uh....
He chews the cord.
But, strangely, l'm okay with it.
That's gotta be a good sign.
Theodore. Loved it.
But remember that article I told you about?
Naming kids after famous people?
I don't want Teddy to think he's a failure
if he doesn't wind up on Mount Rushmore.
Uh, Arthur. Oh!
This was tough, because it's mythological.
Round Table, the whole deal.
But "The Name Game." Remember that?
"The Name Game"?
"Art-Art-bo-Bart, Banana-Fana-fo-Fart."
Brings us to Casey.
This whole next slew of names:
Casey, Jordan, Dylan, Drew, Taylor,
Tyler and probably mostly Skylar...
...are all names that
could be girls' names.
Why don't we just cut to the chase
and call him Cindy?
DRIVER: Yeah, Atlanta.
Trying to get out of this place.
-Denver's where it's at, man.
-Mm-hm.
They got the whole underground
government conspiracy thing going on.
-That so?
-l'm hearing a lot of chatter...
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
-...on the message boards.
-Gotcha. l should grab this.
-Sorry. Hey, honey.
WOMAN: Hey, sweetie.
-Did you get my message?
-l did.
I'm about halfway through it.
I thought I'd take a little break.
Ha, ha. I didn't want you to think l was
arbitrarily dismissing those names.
You considered them carefully.
It's just such a big decision, you know?
I know.
Clearly, you're taking it very seriously.
More importantly,
what are you wearing?
Armani Exchange.
I'm talking to my--
No, no, that's just the driver, baby.
Okay, listen, l'm about to be dropped off.
I should go.
-l love you, can't wait to see you.
-l love you too. Safe flying.
DRIVER: Here you go.
-Perfect.
Yep.
DRIVER:
What in the eff?
-Goddamn it!
-We done knocked it right off.
Hey, man! You just hit my car!
-You just knocked my door off, man.
SHELBY: Sorry about that.
First things first,
is everybody okay?
DRIVER: l'm in a Town Car!
Don't you know airport protocol?
Town Cars have the right of way always!
That right there is some serious damage.
That ain't shit!
DRIVER: My brother-in-law
is gonna kill me. l'm through!
You okay?
Sorry about my friend.
He's been drinking.
You smell boozy too.
Drinking and driving together?
Well, we haven't been drinking.
I mean, we split a six-pack.
Of 40s. But....
You know what?
My father always had a saying:
When a day starts like this,
it's all uphill from here.
That's actually incorrect.
-My dad used to say it.
-No, it's all downhill from here.
Everybody wants to be up.
Nobody wants to be down.
It's easier as you go down.
He didn't know what he was talking about.
-Hey, Shelby? We good?
-We're cool, man. I'll take care of it.
-Okay.
SHELBY: Go get them, Hollywood!
PETER: Excuse me. Sir?
You mind picking these up?
I can't. You're not supposed to touch
other people's luggage at an airport.
Handle your own baggage.
Bag check!
-This your bag, sir?
-ls there a problem?
-l'm gonna have to search it real quick, sir.
-Yeah. Feel free.
Mad magazine? That's cute.
That's not mine.
-This is your bag?
-That's not--
Jackpot!
That's definitely not mine.
My bag got switched with this--
-You packed your bag yourself?
-But not that.
I've never done drugs in my life.
This is absolutely-- This is crazy.
Maybe you a drug mule.
-Do l look like a drug mule?
-l don't know, how do drug mules look?
-You're the expert.
-What, like me?
-Who said that?
-Your eyes.
My eyes said something? Did my mouth?
I don't think you look like a--
Do you mind not tossing it up so much?
Whoo! Funky motherfucker, ain't you?
You are so inappropriate, it's crazy.
I been called a lot of things,
but "inappropriate"?
That's some fucked-up shit, yo.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at this, Sonny.
Fancy.
Died and gone to heaven.
Are you not aware
that there's a person here?
ETHAN:
Sorry.
Well, hello!
How you doing?
What brings you up to first class?
The seat that I procured--
ETHAN: Oh, sorry.
ATTENDANT: Excuse me.
I was in low class, and my seat belt
didn't work, and they bumped me up.
It's called economy.
Lucky day. Nice to see you.
Sorry how we met, but, you know....
Oh, you know what?
-l think we switched our bags at the curb.
-l know we did.
Your bag was confiscated.
It had paraphernalia in it.
Marijuana pipe.
Well, that's a medical apparatus.
-l have glaucoma.
-Sure, you have glaucoma.
Attention, in preparation for takeoff,
please turn off all electronic devices...
...and if you have a laptop, please stow it.
Thank you and enjoy your flight.
They made the announcement.
You should turn that off.
-Yeah, I get it.
-Just turn it off. You know why?
-l'm gonna turn it off.
-They get uneasy...
...because they know terrorists use their
phones to trigger bombs in their luggage.
Shh. Pst, pst, pst.
-That's not the word you want to say.
-"Terrorist" or "bomb"?
-You said both the words.
-l understand.
-l'm trying to tell you that l read--
-Stop trying to tell me and listen.
Don't say words
that put people on edge.
ETHAN: I'm trying to be informative.
PETER: lt's not cool.
Would you and your friend mind
stepping to the front of the plane?
My friend?
I'm sorry, I need you
to come with me, please.
Listen. This clown,
I've never seen before in my life.
That's not true.
We switched bags at curbside.
-That was an accident. And he had--
MAN: Sir!
Federal air marshal.
Please step to the front of the plane.
What? Why?
Drop the device.
-lt's not a device, it's a BlackBerry.
-Drop the device!
What are you gonna do, rent-a-cop?
Shoot me--?
[CROWD SCREAMS]
It's okay, everyone. He'll be fine.
It's only a rubber bullet.
[APPLAUDlNG]
Good news, Mr. Highman.
They found your bags on the airplane.
-Oh, good.
-Unfortunately, that plane's over Kansas.
-Figures.
-But l do have your cell phone for you.
Now, if you wouldn't mind just signing this.
It's a simple release.
So l don't sue you.
Just saying we acted in accordance
with state law.
-Sure did.
-Good.
If you put your address there,
I'll have your bags shipped.
Let them land at LAX and l'll pick them up
when l get there. When's the next flight?
-ln an hour, but you won't be on it.
-Why's that?
You're on the No-Fly list.
-Why?
-lt says right here.
-You and your friend.
-Who?
-The gentleman l just interviewed.
-l've never seen that dipshit before.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-He had nice things to say about you.
-l'm on a No-Fly list? This is ridiculous.
-Regardless--
-No.
I have a pregnant wife, I have to get back.
This is a huge misunderstanding.
-What am l supposed to do?
-Have you ever seen Forrest Gump?
Yes.
Well, he ran across country,
and he was pretty stupid.
So l have faith in you.
You're free to leave.
SARAH [OVER PHONE]:
What kind of incident?
PETER:
I'm probably overstating.
It's the manageable kind.
A micro-incident.
But it unfortunately landed me
on a No-Fly list.
What did you do, Peter?
Did you snap at somebody?
Nope. I did not. l was cool,
calm and collected the whole time.
I was completely in my rights.
You get so carried away sometimes.
How are you gonna get home?
I have a plan.
And the plan is sorting itself out.
-But my wallet is traveling.
-What?
The ID's in it, l've been trying
to rent a car, I had the office fax--
But l am exhausting any
and all opportunities to--
[CAR ALARM WAlLS]
Hey! I've been looking all over for you.
-Stay away from me.
ETHAN: But I found something of yours.
Honey, this might all be solved.
I'll call you right back.
Peter?
You got my stuff?
-l grabbed it before they zip-tied me.
-Rally Monkey?
-You get my wallet?
-l didn't see it.
Where's my bag?
I saw your bag, but I didn't grab it
because my hands were full.
You know, I had this thing in my hand.
-What kind of car did you get?
-l didn't, because I don't have a license...
...because it's in my wallet
that's on the.... Right?
Oh, shoot. What a bummer.
Yeah, bummer.
Thanks for the doll.
Fucking idiot.
Hey, you wanna ride with us?
No, I'm fine.
I'm not really a big dog person.
Look, l know we got off
on the wrong foot.
But l have a really great personality
once you get to know me.
Yeah, l'm sure you do.
I got 90 friends on Facebook.
Twelve pending, but I got 90 friends.
I'll cover expenses.
You can pay me back
when we get to Hollywood.
PETER: L.A.
ETHAN: Huh?
It's not called Hollywood.
It's Los Angeles.
Yeah, but l'm going to Hollywood.
What's your name?
Peter.
My name's Ethan. Ethan Tremblay.
And this little guy...
...this little butterball...
...this is Sonny.
And we would be honored
to have you ride with us. Come on.
It'll be fun.
[ETHAN SQUEALS AND LAUGHS]
JK. LOL.
HI. "Hop in."
Life's weird, isn't it? Buckle up.
ETHAN: You have any brothers or sisters?
PETER: No.
ETHAN: You have a dog?
PETER: Nope.
Let me ask you this:
What's your favorite color?
-Blue.
-That's so cool. Mine's green.
Wow.
-Do you like hot dogs?
-Yes, I do.
I'm more of a corn-dog man, myself.
I once ate a foot-long corn dog
on a nude beach.
I'll never do that again.
-At what age did you lose your virginity?
-l'm not gonna discuss that.
-l was 9 years old.
-Boy.
Great gal. Great gal.
Sheila Pimples.
I'm getting a headache,
not because of you.
It's just, l'm under a lot of pressure.
My wife and l are having a baby.
-On Friday. That's who the monkey's for.
-Oh, really?
-Yep. C-section.
-That's sweet.
-So if we could just.... Thanks.
-l understand. God, l totally understand.
I was supposed to meet
a bigtime agent in Hollywood.
Luckily, he postponed.
-So you're an actor.
-Yep.
Yep. You know what?
In fact, l wouldn't mind having
a fresh pair of eyes--
Hey, hey, hey.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
My apologies. Look at this.
-Okay. If you'd just look at the road.
-l got it.
-Oh, your headshots.
-Headshots.
This one, this is a laid-back guy
with a Hawaiian shirt...
...but he packs a piece.
-lnteresting.
-Yep.
This one was my father's favorite.
He says it really showed my spirit.
And l agree with him.
PETER:
What's that, a--?
That's a gang member,
a construction worker, and....
And a nerd. A professor.
No. I'm Malcolm X.
He thinks he's human. So stupid.
What brought you to Atlanta?
Business or pleasure?
-Business.
-Business.
What kind of business?
Architecture.
-How'd you get into architecture?
-College. Anything else?
-Because I'm trying to--
-l'm sorry.
We're gonna be traveling.
It wouldn't hurt to get to know each other.
Okay.
Ethan, what brought you to Atlanta?
Business or pleasure?
My daddy died.
I went to Atlanta to go to his funeral.
Gee, I didn't know. l'm sorry.
He was a great guy, man.
That's why I'm heading out West.
He's the one that motivated me
to get on the TV.
-TV?
-Yeah.
Tough business to break into.
So competitive.
I have a friend, he's in that industry.
-Does he work on Two and a HalfMen?
-No. He--
That's too bad.
Because Two and a Half Men...
...is the reason I wanted
to become an actor.
-Right.
-Especially the second season.
PETER:
Here's the plan.
We are just outside Birmingham...
...and we got a late start, so we will
only make it just to inside Louisiana.
Early to bed, early to rise.
Long 1 6- to 1 8-hour haul,
which will land us in Phoenix, Arizona.
-Eight hours outside of L.A.
-You know what'd be nice?
If we could stop at the Grand Canyon.
We're not going to the Grand Canyon.
That would be easily 1 20 miles off
our optimum route.
That's too bad.
Daddy would've loved
the Grand Canyon.
Why do you even have this?
Oh, because this is my daddy.
These are his ashes.
Why are your father's ashes
in a coffee can, Ethan?
Because he's dead, Peter.
-l know. l know that part.
-Don't you listen to anything?
I'm just saying,
normal people put remains in an urn.
ETHAN:
This is vacuum-sealed.
You broke the seal
when you poured out the coffee.
You poured your father's remains in
and closed it. That didn't reseal it.
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
[SNEEZES]
God. We shouldn't have come here.
I'm allergic to waffles.
ETHAN:
Come on, Sonny. Thank you.
We need to make a brief pit stop
in Birmingham.
Actually, our next stop is Shreveport.
That's where we rest.
-lt's 1 0 minutes away.
-Let's see if we can make it.
Why you making a pit stop in Birmingham?
We gotta make time.
I left my glaucoma medication
on the plane.
Wait, wait, wait. Your what?
You mean your weed?
-lt's medical marijuana, Peter.
-No, it's weed.
-Why do you make everything so dark?
-lt's weed.
I'm saying l really don't want to stop
and buy drugs. Is that okay?
I didn't want to play this card,
certainly not this early.
But guess what. Guess who's got
the Subaru lmpreza. Me.
Guess who's got all the money. Me.
Guess who's got
a winning personality. Me.
What do you have?
You have a nice hairline, fine.
You have a strong jaw, fine.
But l gotta tell you something, mister.
Your personality needs some work.
My God.
Now, do you want a ride
to California or not?
-Yes, please.
-Good. Hold Dad.
-Dad!
-l'm sorry. I got it. I got it, I got it.
Okay. God Almighty, holy moly.
It's like l'm traveling with a child.
-Did you use the restroom?
-l need to take a pee-pee.
[LINE RINGS]
SARAH: Peter?
-Crisis averted, l'm driving.
-Driving how?
-Let me talk to her.
With a guy-- Please don't.
With a guy that l met in a rent-a-car.
You're gonna drive 2000 miles
with a guy you just met?
Say hi to--
Sarah? Hi, this is Ethan Tremblay.
I'm riding with Peter. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Good, good. l wanted to let you know
I have your package, and he is A-okay.
And I will have him
delivered by Thursday.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Sarah? One other thing.
Do you have a hairdresser out West?
I got this killer perm,
and it needs major upkeep.
I'm sorry, did you say
that you have a perm?
Yeah, a perm. Like a permanent.
PETER: It's heinous.
ETHAN: Do you mind?
-Can l just talk to my husband, please?
-Yeah. Okay, hold on.
-She wants to talk to you.
-l know.
-So that's what l'm dealing with.
-Oh, my God.
PETER:
Yep. God bless us all.
[BUZZES]
-Stop worrying.
-l'm not worried.
She's very legitimate.
I found her on Craigslist.
WOMAN:
Who is it?
Fantastic.
ETHAN:
Hi. lt's Ethan. I called you earlier.
Honestly, like two minutes, okay?
Just buy it and then go.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-That was fast.
-Yeah, we were very close.
I'm Ethan, this is Peter.
-Are you a cop?
-Why? Are you not a licensed pharmacist?
Okay, you just look really official.
And you know if l ask you if you're a cop
and you are a cop, you have to say yes.
That's a myth. That's actually incorrect.
But l'm not.
-No, he's an architect.
-l'm an architect. So....
-Wait, it's a myth?
-Yeah.
Shit! I did not know that
this whole fucking time.
-That's good news.
-You're fucking scary, is what you are.
-Come in. The pharmacy's in the kitchen.
-Thank you.
Hey, Peter, can you watch my kids just for
five minutes, while we han-- You know.
-Real quick.
-Thanks.
Who are you?
I'm Peter.
I'm Alex. This is Patrick.
Great. Alex. Mommy gave you
a boy's name.
What's that supposed to mean?
Alex is also a name for a boy.
So your mom kind of screwed you.
Sorry, my hand slipped.
That one l just got in. lt's an Afghan blend
of Wild Widow and AK-47.
You know, I'm not crazy about blends.
I find that the high is a bit shapeless.
A purist. Well, that's cool.
You'd probably love Northern Lights.
I mean, this has got great body.
It smokes like a fucking dream.
Oh, that's just Barry.
He's renting a room from me.
Hey, Barry. How you doing? I'm Ethan.
Listen, did you remember to TiVo
Judge Mathis?
HElDI: Yeah. lt's on there,
if you just look at the menu.
Nice perm, man. Well done.
Well done on that perm.
Oh, thanks, bro.
It's not a perm, it's natural.
Nobody gets perms anymore.
Wait, wait. Don't tell me. Is that a perm?
Yeah. lt's a perm. Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God.
You didn't have your real hair.
-Where do you even get those anymore?
-l know! lt's like....
I was just kidding about--
This isn't a perm.
BARRY: Excuse me?
-This isn't a perm. I was joking.
-Oh, my God. Thank God. Because l was--
-Ha, ha!
You got us. You got us both, man.
You know, only, like,
fucking jerk-offs get perms.
-That was good. Very good.
-That was hilarious.
-Where are you from?
-Los Angeles.
-ls that where you're going?
PETER: Mm-hm.
Can you take us with you?
No, but there's an organization
called Child Protective Services.
-What's this?
-lt's a tie. You've never seen a tie before?
Why do you wear it?
Because I wear it.
-lt looks stupid.
-Well, it's not.
Just take your hands off of me.
Please stop doing that.
Stop. Please stop doing that now.
-Will you please--?
-lt's Reggie.
Is that right? Well, maybe Reggie
needs to take a nap.
Hey, quit it. l'm not kidding.
[PETER GRUNTS
AND PATRICK COUGHlNG]
You okay, bubba?
-What?
-Nothing.
"Nothing" is right.
[IMITATING MARLON BRANDO]
And now, you come to me and you say:
"Don Corleone, give me justice."
But you don't even have the decency
to call me the Godfather.
And you come to my house...
...on the day that my daughter
is to be married...
...and you ask me to kill someone.
For money.
But that is not justice.
That's amazing.
I had chills, like, that second paragraph.
When the line-- The murder.
That is so fucking good, Ethan.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. I've been
working on the hand gestures to get it right.
Did you write that yourself?
No. The Mafia wrote it.
HElDI: Oh, that was so--
It was nice meeting you, anyway.
Play it cool, or I'll thump you again.
Sure, sure. You all set?
Yeah. Good to go.
How were they?
They behave themselves?
Pretty much. Pretty much.
HElDI: Oh, good.
PETER: Yeah.
I mean, they're great kids.
We good?
-See you. Good luck.
ETHAN: Bye-bye. Bye.
Good luck with your acting stuff.
MAN [OVER HEADPHONES]:
--is judging the character.
When an actor is preparing a scene...
...first thing is read the scene over
many times.
First, before you do any work on it,
let it work on you.
Read the material over and over again.
The entire script, if at all possible.
PETER:
Hey, Hollywood.
Card's been declined.
-What's that?
-Your card? lt's no good.
-Oh, gosh.
-lt's okay.
You know what? l bet I tapped it out
when l rented this car.
Great. We'll pay cash.
How much you got?
Sixty bucks.
You have 60 bucks entirely?
-Yes.
-How much did you spend on marijuana?
-On your medicine?
-l don't know, around 200 bucks.
-Two hundred bucks?
-Yeah.
Sixty bucks for gas, food,
lodging, everything?
She's the only dealer in town.
She names her price.
What were you thinking when you spent
almost all of our money on drugs?
-l don't think in those terms.
-What terms do you think in?
I'm not an accountant.
I'm not even Jewish.
-Are you an adult?
-Of course l'm an adult. I'm 23 years old.
You are the most shot-out
How have you made it?
How have you not run yourself over?
I've done that.
How have you survived?
That's my question.
-Mostly luck.
-Yeah.
That's what l thought.
Just dumb fucking luck.
[DOG WHlMPERS]
-Fuck me.
-Whoa! For heaven's sakes, Peter.
-We're screwed, Ethan.
-How so?
-You spent all our money on weed!
-lt's just another speed bump.
You know what? l'm gonna call my wife.
She's gonna wire me money. That's it.
She can't. You don't have an lD.
She'll wire it to you.
See? That's an adult solving a problem.
-Let's go.
-l told you l was lucky.
Get in the car.
Hold on one second. I'm gonna go get
a brochure for my scrapbook, okay?
-How do you spell the last name?
ETHAN: T-R-E-M-B-L-A-Y.
Here we go.
Five hundred dollars. Ethan Tremblay.
I just need to see an ID.
There you go.
Yeah, this doesn't say Tremblay.
It says Ethan Chase.
Oh, jeepers creepers.
He's right, he's right.
What do you mean, "he's right"?
Ethan Tremblay is my stage name.
I'm an actor.
-Your stage name. What is your real name?
-Ethan Chase.
-lt doesn't sound like an actor's name.
-Ethan Chase does.
Ethan Tremblay doesn't
make any goddamn sense.
It sounds like it was made up.
Yeah, l made it up.
Ethan, l know you made it up.
It's your fucking stage name.
Why did you have my wife wire money
to your stage name?
-l wasn't thinking.
-Right.
Just trying to commit to the new name.
Do you guys wanna discuss this,
perhaps out in the parking lot?
One sec. Do you have anything else
with your name on it?
-Yes. Of course. Yes, yes.
PETER: Good.
What was I thinking?
PETER: He has two names.
-That's fantastic.
But one sec.
-What the fuck is this?
-lt's an ID.
It's a photo lD.
-No, I can't accept this either.
-Why?
Because it's a picture of yourself.
Anyone could take a picture...
...in a beautiful turtleneck,
put whatever name they want.
But why go to all that trouble
just for 500 bucks?
I don't know why you would,
but you could.
So l get to call my pregnant wife and have
her drive all the way to Western Union.
Start this whole process all over again,
send it to the correct name...
...and we'll be good.
-Absolutely.
PETER: Great.
We'll have to do that tomorrow.
We close in five minutes.
It's 6:35, sir.
What are you, my boss?
You make the hours?
I say when we close. l got reservations
at Chili's. l'm meeting my boys.
-You have a reservation at Chili's?
LONNIE: Mm-hm.
That's actually smart. l mean,
it gets busy on a Wednesday night.
Are you gonna stare at me?
Do your fucking job
until your shift is over, hillbilly.
-Keep dreaming, faggot. No way in hell.
-Oh, really?
Excuse me, Peter. Sir.
I'm sorry about my friend. We really just
need the money to get to Los Angeles...
...so he can be there
for the birth of his first child.
That's such a sweet story. You know
where l was when my daughter was born?
ETHAN: Chili's?
-lraq.
How about l call my sergeant in Fallujah
and tell him your story, see what he thinks?
Aren't you closing?
Is it gonna take a long time?
He's being sarcastic, Ethan,
and also letting us know...
...that he's a "battle-hardened" veteran...
...who did some half-assed tour
and talks about it all the time.
How dare you.
-Smooth move, that.
-You're sick.
You fucked up. Bigtime.
-l fucked up?
-Yeah.
I fucked up bigtime?
You spit on your own window.
-Let's get out of here.
-Hey, sport?
What were you saying about
my half-assed tour of duty?
-l'm sorry. I had no idea.
LONNIE: No idea what?
-l'm handicapable?
PETER: Handicapable.
-How could you know?
-l couldn't know, and I'm sorry.
Can l tell you something? Honestly,
it's my fault. l'm just having a bad day.
LONNIE: You had a bad day?
-Yeah.
It's about to get a whole lot worse.
-Okay, now put that away before you--
ETHAN: Help!
Oh, l know that shit hurt, huh?
-Ah. Fucking hick.
ETHAN: Oh, God.
LONNIE:
The kid's got moves.
You wanna fuck up my dinner plans,
I'll fuck you up.
[PETER YELLS]
I call that little move "the wheelbarrow."
ETHAN: Peter, get up, get up.
-Come on. Come on.
-Courtesy of Western Union, huh?
-Hold on one second.
-Oh, where you going, huh?
PETER: Call the cops.
LONNIE:
Fuck the cops.
Here comes the train.
Choo-choo!
[SINGlNG]
It's closing time
Time to roll to Chili's
And chow down with my fuckin' boys
You okay, buddy?
Don't call me that. Buddies have each
other's backs when an assault takes place.
Peter, that man was handicapped.
You can call me Peter. Or Mr. Highman.
I'll call you Mr. Chase.
Unless that was a fake lD too.
Why you have a stage name is beyond me.
You're not really an actor.
What does that mean, "really an actor"?
What is a real actor?
A real actor is someone
who can really act.
Well, go ahead, give me an action to do.
Give me a scene.
-No. I don't want to.
-You should.
Okay. l'm Julia Roberts.
You have terminal cancer.
We're engaged.
Break the news to me.
Julia Roberts...
...as you know, we're engaged.
I have terminal cancer.
Awful.
-What?
-Sorry, that's my feedback.
-l thought that was really good.
-Nope.
I'll give you one more shot.
It's Super Bowl Sunday.
You're a coach with a spotty career.
You're down 31 points.
Bust into the locker room
and fire the guys up.
All or nothing. Action.
-Stupid. That would never be in a movie.
-lt's in a movie every two years.
Every two years.
Okay, guys, we need to get out there.
Really need to get going.
Pollard, what are you doing?
You're acting like a girl out there.
What are you, a girl or something?
Jackson, come on, man,
you gotta get yourself together.
-What are you, a girl or something?
-Let's up the stakes. Your wife calls.
She wants a divorce.
-The coach's wife?
-The coach you're playing.
His wife calls. She wants a divorce.
Ring-ring.
Hello?
Hey, fellas, it's gonna be a minute.
It's my wife. She wants a divorce.
Hey, sweetheart.
What's that?
No, don't--
This is not a good time.
[SOBBlNG]
Because I lost my dad,
I don't want you to leave me right now.
I don't wanna be left alone.
I miss him so much.
You can't do this.
I got soda. l got water.
Okay. Great.
Thank you.
-Crazy rain.
-Nuts.
I think we're done for today.
We'll sleep in the car.
Okay.
We'll kill it tomorrow. But this is....
So tell me something about your dad.
What did he do for a living?
He was a toll-booth operator.
Really?
He was a real people person.
He loved his job.
He'd come home every night and he'd laugh
about how long his line was.
Because he enjoyed talking to everybody
that went through the toll booth.
Oh.
What about you? Where's your dad?
Uh....
No idea.
ETHAN:
When's the last time you saw him?
Ooh.
Ouch.
Yep. Came into my room, said,
"Petey, l got an important job for you.
I need you to wake me up,
And l was ecstatic because
he never asked me to do anything.
I didn't even know l existed
in his eyes. So....
It was just a big deal. l was so excited.
I set the alarm clock. I could barely sleep.
I just watched it all night.
When it went off at 5:30,
I snuck into his room...
...l gingerly wake him up.
He smiled at me.
First time l ever saw him...
...uh, smile.
But he had his bags packed
by the front door...
...and he picked them up,
put them in the back of his car...
...and drove away.
Last time l ever saw him.
[LAUGHlNG]
It's so funny.
Oh, my gosh.
My dad would never do that.
He loved me.
[SQUISHING]
What's that sound?
What sound?
Mm.
No, it stopped.
[SQUISHING CONTINUES]
-Okay, it's back.
-That's me. l'm just masturbating.
What? Why?
This is how l go to sleep.
Oh, don't, don't, don't. Come on, dude.
I'm right here next to you.
Just shut your eyes, Peter.
They're closed. The sound.
Just bear with me.
-How long is this gonna take?
-Ugh!
If you keep interrupting me
it's gonna take a little longer...
...but it usually just takes
about 35 minutes.
Is that all?
Your fucking dog's doing it too.
Sonny! Stop!
Sonny, no. Stop.
Good boy.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[ETHAN GRUNTS]
PETER:
Come here, garbage face. Come here.
Don't even think about it.
Had to be done.
Please. Don't.
Intolerable. lntolerable.
[YELLS]
[HONKS HORN]
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it. No.
Great. This is great.
Fuck.
Don't.
Okay.
We are gathered in the presence
of the Lord and all things holy...
...to celebrate the passing of one Mr.--
I don't remember his fucking name.
Chase. Or a.k.a. Tremblay.
May he forever reside and dwell
in the sunlight of the spirit.
Amen.
You know, I just wanna offer
an explanation, sir...
...as to why you wound up
on the side of lnterstate 20.
It's not your fault. lt's your kid.
He's an incredibly difficult person
to travel with.
In fact, l don't know how or why...
...you didn't just strangle him
in the fucking crib.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
Hey, buddy.
Forget something?
No. I got....
I got coffee.
Dunkin' Donuts.
Thought maybe you left me.
I picked up breakfast
so we can eat on the road, make up time.
-Why'd you leave my stuff out here?
-lt's your property.
-That makes sense.
-Yep.
Want me to drive?
-lt is your shift.
-Okay. Very good.
PETER:
I'll grab the other items.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Come on, Sonny.
Sonny, come on.
I was thinking, "There's no way
that Peter would have left me here.
We've had our bumps in the road,
but he's not gonna leave me."
-Oh, please, no. lt's not my car.
-Right.
Yeah. Come on. Get in, Sonny.
You know, my mind works
in mysterious ways.
And l thought, "God, why would
he wanna travel alone, you know?"
You have a nice shower?
-Yes, excellent.
-Great.
You know, rest areas
have the nicest showers.
The nicest showers.
This coffee's hot.
-lt's hot coffee.
-Whoo!
-Have we crossed the Mississippi River?
-We're in Texas.
The Mississippi River was the river
we crossed in Mississippi.
That's too bad.
Would have been a great sendoff
for my papa.
Put his ashes in the old river. Let the ashes
float down to New Orleans, you know?
Spend Mardi Gras there.
-l'm gonna get some shuteye, okay?
-Nothing he loved more than jazz music...
...and women's titties.
-Did l snore last night?
-Mm-hm.
Sorry. l'm a deep sleeper.
It's a condition.
You know when they say, "That guy
could sleep through an earthquake"?
I've actually slept
through an earthquake.
I also fell asleep during a job interview
at Bank of America.
I didn't sleep last night.
I'm gonna try now.
You should have masturbated...
...because I had a glorious orgasm
and l slept like a baby.
[OVER RADlO]
--of a gentle coast
And a sun to maybe dissipate
Shadows of the mess you made
[WORKERS CLAMORING]
[BARKS]
Hey! Get up!
Ethan, wake up! Goddamn it!
Son of a bitch.
No!
[PETER YELLlNG]
PETER:
I can't feel my arm.
[PETER YELLS AND GROANS]
What happened?
I'll see if the rental agreement's in the....
You know what? l have coverage.
That's good.
[ETHAN WHlSTLING]
-Stay away from me.
-Jeez Louise, are you okay?
Am l okay? Do l look okay?
I have a broken arm, three cracked ribs.
I have seven stitches in my armpit.
Does that answer your question?
No, not okay.
-Peter, I am terribly sorry.
-Are you?
Sonny's all banged up. I'm a wreck.
You don't have a scratch.
Doctor said l was in such a deep sleep
I didn't tense up.
-l told you l was a deep sleeper.
-Yeah.
Did the doctor say it is not advisable
to fall asleep while driving?
I was just trying to rest my eyes
for a few seconds.
But seriously, next time
try not to tense up. Really.
[HORN HONKS]
PETER: One sec.
ETHAN: Who's that?
My actual friend. He's come to pick me up.
All the way from Dallas.
-Oh, good. Shotgun.
-Nope. Not us.
Just me. We're done.
And by the way,
it's been a fucking pleasure.
But just so my conscience is clear,
let me let you know...
...why you're not coming with us, okay?
It's not because you got me kicked off
a plane and shot by an air marshal.
Not because you stood by as l had my ass
handed to me by a handicapped hillbilly.
I am certainly not leaving you here...
...because you almost got me killed
during the most important week of my life.
I am leaving you here
for a far more fundamental reason:
I despise who you are at a cellular level.
I've heard that before,
and l'm trying to work on it.
-Great. Now hear this:
-Yes.
Beware. I'm warning you,
don't go to Hollywood.
The streets are not paved with gold.
They are paved with the carcasses...
...of imbeciles like you
who think they're gonna make it.
"Pray you, avoid it."
Did you get that? That was Shakespeare.
Heard of him?
Yes, l've heard of him.
He's a famous pirate.
And by the way, it's Shakesbeard.
Let me give you a little bit
of friendly advice.
Nobody who calls themselves "Hollywood"
has ever made it in Hollywood.
That I've never heard before.
Sonny, you will be sorely missed,
you little bat-faced piece of shit.
[DOG WHlMPERS
& ETHAN GASPS]
-l have never...
-Well, get used to it.
...in all of my 23 years!
-Come on, let's get out of here.
-What the fuck?
-We're moving out.
-You all right?
-What's going on?
-Thank you so much.
Who's the dude you yelling at?
He's nobody. A guy l was traveling with.
He's trouble.
He looks sad as shit.
-And you just spit on his dog.
-l spit on his d-- God, l did.
I was seeing red because he has a way of
getting under your skin. I'm fine. Let's go.
-You wanna leave him here?
-Trust me.
-Pete, how long have I known you?
-Twenty years.
-Twenty years.
-Yep.
Your energy's off. You don't wanna mess
your karma up. You have a child coming.
So whatever you need to do to fix between
you and DeBarge, you need to fix it.
Trust me.
Make it right.
Hollywood, come here.
-You see what l'm working with here?
-Oh, wow.
Okay, l've calmed down a bit.
-You ready to apologize?
-What? Fuck you!
-Wait. Oh, no.
-Let's go.
Pete, Pete, relax.
Fix it.
First of all,
I'm sorry that I spat on Sonny.
I have no recollection
of that whatsoever.
Now, if you're gonna travel
with me to Los Angeles...
...l gotta give you a couple guidelines.
Number one:
If you ask me a single question,
I'm going to flip out on you.
-So don't do that. Do you understand?
-Somewhat, yes.
Number two:
If you fall asleep for any reason...
...other than the fact that
you're in a bed and it's nighttime...
...l will disembowel you.
Make sense?
-Somewhat.
-Great.
Three: lf you're allergic to waffles,
don't eat waffles.
-Then don't take me to a Waffle House.
-Shut up!
-Relax.
-Get your stuff and get in back.
-Hold Sonny.
-Nope.
Hand me that dog, l will rip it in half.
You better check yourself
before you wreck yourself.
And then, his fault,
we're both put on a No-Fly list.
-A No-Fly list? You?
-Yeah, and it just--
Yeah. Just got worse from there.
Because he's pathological, I think.
He'll just start beating off.
-What?
-Yes.
-No lotion?
-No, no, he was dry-docking.
Is that a drainage ditch coming up?
Yes, it is.
-Would you mind?
-l'm hitting it.
Real hard.
[LAUGHS]
Ethan, you all right?
Yeah, we're good.
Next time, don't tense up your body.
Just stay loose.
[LAUGHlNG]
-There's another one up here too.
-Want to hit him again?
PETER:
We can't take your Range Rover, D.
Yes, you can. l prefer my pickup anyway.
-l'll ship it back as soon as l get there.
-No need. l'll be in L.A. on Friday.
You will? What are you doing in L.A.?
I'm not gonna miss
the birth of your baby.
But let me ask you: Doesn't it burn you up
that she's getting a C-section?
I mean, that body was so flawless,
just banging.
How did you know we were
getting a C-section?
She told me. Coffee?
Sure.
What is going on?
What are you talking about?
What's with all these stories
he has about your wife?
They used to date in college?
It was like 20 years ago.
Yeah, but come on, you don't see it?
This guy's good-looking.
He's a football player. He's charming.
-You don't know what you're talking about.
-He has beautiful hands.
I think there's something going on.
DARRYL: Here you go.
-What's this picture from?
DARRYL: What's that?
-This picture of you and Sarah.
DARRYL: Oh, yeah, that was February.
We was in San Diego.
She didn't tell you?
She mentioned that she bumped into you.
She didn't say that--
That we were throwing them back.
Getting wasted, having a good time.
Just sort of reliving some things,
you know, just....
-Real good girl. Fantastic.
-She is. Slipped her mind.
February. lsn't that about
nine months ago?
-No questions.
-Nine, 1 0 months.
Nine.
Where you at with the names?
She said you were being a real hard-ass.
-She said that?
-Yeah, she hit me in a e-mail.
-You and his wife exchange e-mails?
-Yeah.
What else do you exchange?
PETER: Ethan.
-Body fluids?
-What is he talking about?
-l don't even listen to him.
This is not bothering you? The e-mails--
Each other's ejaculate?
What?
It's when your urine turns white.
Okay, new rule: You can't...
...say a fucking word.
This is horrible. lt tastes like cat litter.
I think it tastes delicious.
You should. l was all out,
so l used the coffee you brought.
PETER:
Oh, boy.
That's his dad, it's his dad.
Fine. l'll buy some other coffee.
I apologize. What's the big deal?
His dad is the coffee.
He passed away and his remains
were in the fucking can.
Get him the fuck out.
The beard, the dog, get him out!
-l get it.
-Get him out!
I know. It took eight minutes, right?
[ETHAN WHEEZlNG AND COUGHlNG]
Oh, God! So stupid!
Where are the ashes?
Where are my dad's ashes?
PETER:
Relax.
-lt was an accident.
-Where is it?
-Where?
PETER: Right where l'm pointing.
There's the coffee machine right there.
There's the can, there's the coffeemaker.
We're gonna retrieve this.
I got it, I got it. Slow down, it's okay.
Can we just calm down?
Let me take it.
ETHAN:
Oh, God.
PETER:
Will you relax?
Oh!
[ETHAN SOBBlNG]
It's okay.
Come here, l'll help you pick it up.
There we go.
Get it back in there.
I'm sorry we drank your father.
It's okay.
Are you all right? Are you sure?
Yeah, there's plenty of him still in here.
Darryl only made three cups of coffee...
...and l think there's about eight cups
of my dad left in here.
Great.
At least he tasted good.
Not bad.
Yeah, strong.
He was full-flavored.
Robust blend.
He really enjoyed coffee.
And in the end,
he was enjoyed as coffee.
Kind of circle of life.
Lion King. All that.
I'll tell you what, the moratorium on
asking questions is officially lifted.
Fire away.
Okay.
-How's your arm?
-Not bad.
Do you think Darryl slept with your wife?
-No.
-l do.
I mean, why would he lend you
this very fancy car...
...and give you all that
walking-around money? It's....
Because he's my friend.
That's why.
Have you ever been
to the San Diego Zoo?
I have a question for you.
How did those three questions
come into your head?
I was thinking about your wife and Darryl,
Darryl getting your wife pregnant.
What their baby would look like,
maybe like a zebra baby.
Then l thought,
"Well, l've never seen a zebra."
And l thought, "Well, l should maybe
go to the San Diego Zoo...
-...when we get to California--"
-Nope, l've never been to the zoo.
Next question, please.
PETER:
Hey, hon.
It's your ever-faithful and adoring husband
calling from West Texas.
Just checking in.
Weird, it went to voicemail.
Are you on the other line with Darryl?
I actually talked to him...
...and he told me about the lovely weekend
you guys spent in San Diego.
Didn't jibe with the way
you recounted it...
...so maybe with all your e-mails
and phone calls...
...you can get your story straight.
If there's something you need to tell me
before we go down this road...
...if I'm gonna have a surprise
in the delivery room...
...l would just appreciate it
that you erase any and all--
Call me.
-Was l right or was I wrong?
-About what?
The Darryl thing, your wife,
and the mystery about the baby.
She's sleeping. l left a message.
And the casual manner with which you
bring up this topic, it makes me edgy.
So if you wouldn't mind not doing that
anymore I'd really appreciate it.
-l got some snacks.
-Yes, I see.
Unfortunately, I need you to drive.
I'm on Vicodin.
I'm not supposed to operate
heavy machinery.
I will tell you this:
If you blink, if you even look like you
might be dozing, let alone fall asleep...
...l'm gonna put hands on you. I'm gonna
choke you out with your own scarf.
Wrap that thing around your neck
and choke you the fuck out. Promise.
Seems a bit drastic.
Take off your glasses.
I bought them,
I wanted to showcase them.
It's night. You're driving.
You act like you've never been
in a fender-bender.
-Remove them.
-Okay.
-Jolt Cola? Drink it.
-Yeah.
-You're not the boss of me, you know.
-l know. Just drink it.
Please.
Attaboy.
By the way, when l fell asleep...
...that was a one-time occurrence.
-l know what l'm doing. l'm a grown man.
-Did you remember to use the restroom?
ETHAN:
Oh.
[PINK FLOYD'S "HEY YOU"
PLAYlNG OVER RADlO]
[SINGlNG]
Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
[OVER RADlO]
Hey you, with your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
[SINGlNG] Hey you
Would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home
[COUGHlNG]
This is some stuff.
This window is not working.
No, I locked them so we could get
a good clambake going on in here.
That way, Sonny could get stoned.
[DOG SNORlNG]
Am l stoned?
Do you feel stoned?
[OVER RADlO]
But it was only fantasy
No matter how he tried
He could not break free
And the worms ate into his brain
Hey you
Don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand
Divided we fall
PETER:
Then what? How did it resolve?
Well, it turns out the cheese grater
was underneath the mattress.
Ha, ha!
That is so sophisticated. And has heart.
The show has heart.
How do you know so much about this?
I run a fan site for the show. Not official,
but I've run a fan site for about six years.
I started it at an internet caf.
Used to go in there and wash my feet.
What was the site called?
It'sRainingTwoAndAHalfMen.com.
Wow.
That is sublime. Can I retract every
derogatory statement l've made about you?
Thank you, Peter. That's very sweet.
-Hand me a Bugle.
-Sure.
Thank you.
-Will you feed one to the hound?
-Very well.
Are we on the highway still?
ETHAN:
Relax, Peter, I've got it covered.
PETER:
Are you certain?
ETHAN: You're getting paranoid.
That pot got to you.
PETER:
Okay. All right, you see the flag?
It looks like a border crossing,
it says "Mexico"--
-Oh, Lord. Gosh.
-What?
I thought that said Texaco.
We're low on gas.
-Okay, we're fine.
PETER: Yep.
ETHAN:
We're good. We're good.
What are you gonna tell them?
All I'm gonna do is say,
"Look, we made a mistake."
-And we're gonna ask to turn around.
-Perfect.
Okay, l need you to be quiet.
Sit straight. Don't say anything.
Won't that be suspicious
if they ask me a question?
-Let me handle everything.
-You handle it.
ETHAN: Here we go.
-Uh-oh. He's looking right at me.
ETHAN:
Peter, please be quiet, okay?
I'm sorry.
Hello. The weirdest thing happened.
We just kind of got shifted--
Are you guys American citizens?
Yes. Yes, we are.
-The both of you?
-Yes, absolutely.
Can l see your passports?
We don't have passports.
The thing is,
we didn't mean to end up here.
Somehow, I must have taken
the wrong exit, and we're here, so....
If we could just maybe turn around
and go back?
You wanna turn around?
Yeah, it was a mistake.
We're trying to get back--
What's wrong with your friend?
Peter, don't do that.
Why are your eyes so glassy?
You been partying?
No, I have glaucoma.
What about your friend,
does he have glaucoma too?
Answer the man. Do you have glaucoma?
No, he doesn't have glaucoma.
What about the dog,
does he have glaucoma?
Because his eyes are glassy as fuck.
[PETER GlGGLES]
Shut off the car.
Give me the keys, please.
Wait right here.
[SPEAKS IN SPANlSH]
-Did l blow it?
-No, we're fine.
You are smooth.
-Wow.
-Hand me Sonny, please.
God, my heart was in my throat.
I was flipping out.
Could you hand me my father's ashes?
They're on the floorboard.
Wow. What's--? What are you doing?
PETER: We took the wrong exit,
we wound up here by mistake.
No matter how many times you ask,
that's my answer.
You sound like Jason Bourne, man.
You don't know where you're going.
No ID.
I wanna speak to
the American consulate.
I'm American, l have rights.
-Oh, yeah, sure.
-Thank you.
Hey, Ramon.
He wants to talk to his consulate.
[IN AMERlCAN ACCENT] Hello, sir.
Welcome to the American consulate.
-How can I help you?
-That's unacceptable.
What are you laughing about?
This is a serious matter. l have rights.
AGENT:
You americanos sneak into our country.
You bring drugs, you party.
You sleep with our women.
I've never heard of an American
sneaking into Mexico.
This would be an isolated incident.
It's usually the reverse.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm getting tired of your cavalier attitude.
Well, l apologize. l'm sorry.
You attempted to transport drugs
across an international border...
...dude.
This is serious shit.
[IN SPANlSH]
Okay, Daddy.
There.
[CLANKING]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[YELLS]
Shit!
Son of a bitch!
[CAR HORNS HONKlNG]
Stop!
Help!
[POLlCE SlRENS WAILING]
Oh, shoot.
PATROLMAN: Pull over!
PETER: What the fuck?
Pull the car over!
[SPEAKS IN SPANlSH]
Hold on, Sonny, it's about to get rough.
Oh, God.
[SCREAMS]
Ethan?
Hollywood!
Oh, crud.
Peter? Peter, are you okay?
PETER:
How many laws did we just break?
ETHAN:
I don't know, 60?
I had no idea where l was going.
Then l see you. Remember,
when we jackknifed together?
-But you didn't look like you.
-We locked eyes.
-God, you looked crazy!
-Yeah. Well, l'm in stealth mode.
-That's why l got the scarf on my head.
-You were like a commando.
-You were a Comanche warrior.
-Thanks.
-lt was the greatest ever.
-Thank you.
Don't move. Ready?
What? Oh.
That's your new headshot.
Ha-ha-ha!
-Yeah.
-How could it not be?
God, the pain is extraordinary.
-Will you e-mail that to me, please?
-Yeah.
Okay. All right. Just not too much, Peter.
Rescue. A daring rescue.
-You came back for me.
-Of course l did.
You're so brave.
I made you a promise.
I told you l was gonna get you home.
I'm getting you home safe, okay?
-l'm gonna kiss you.
-What?
-l'm gonna give you a smooch.
-No.
-Come on, baby.
-No way!
-Give me a little smooch.
-Stop, Peter! l'm driving! Oh!
Sick!
You got it.
-Everything's up and down with you.
-l owe you bigtime.
No way l'd see my kid
if you hadn't done that.
There's no way.
I love you, dude.
I love you too, Peter.
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
Oh, dear.
Sweetheart, I am so sorry.
You know how I get.
I've always been jealous. It's....
You knew about that.
I told you l ran into him there.
I know, and l know it has nothing to do
with you. lt's just my shit. lt's my shit.
Just listen to me, okay? Don't say anything.
Just listen to me.
I would never betray you,
Peter, you know that.
We're a family now.
Nothing else matters.
Do you understand?
-You're so right.
-Can you just get home safely, please?
-l love you, baby.
-I love you too.
Wake up. Ethan.
Check it out.
PETER:
I'm telling you, I wouldn't make it up.
ETHAN: You sure? I could've sworn
I read it was man-made.
PETER: Nope. Not correct. Very old.
Formed over time.
Grand Canyon. Known fact.
Peter, l have a photogenic memory.
I have recall for--
Ethan, l promise you. It's old. lt's the
Grand Canyon, it's not the Hoover Dam.
Well, l know it's not the Hoover Dam,
that was built by the Pilgrims.
Also incorrect.
It's magnificent though.
-You didn't have to stop, you know.
-That's okay. lt's the perfect place.
Let's hit the road.
I can do that any time.
We've got time.
We don't have to be in L.A. till morning.
What are you doing? Relax.
We should just stick with the plan,
you know?
But l thought this was part of the plan.
What am I missing, Ethan?
What's really going on?
When I said the Grand Canyon
wasn't on the way, you said:
"Too bad, it would've been perfect."
When we passed
the Mississippi River you said:
"Too bad, Dad loved titties and jazz."
I just-- You know, we got stuff to do
and l don't wanna step on it.
I know it's hard to say goodbye.
And l didn't know your dad, but from what
you've told me he was a great father.
He was a cool guy.
I'm just saying.
I'm just suggesting.
If you got it in you...
...he deserves a grand gesture.
Okay.
Come on, Sonny.
Come here, sweetheart. Yeah.
Dad, you were like a father to me.
And...
...l don't know how
I'm gonna make it without you.
But l know that you'll look after me
from up there.
I'm gonna make you proud, Dad.
Okay.
I promise.
I love you.
Say hi to Mom.
Bye, Daddy.
He was a great guy. You would've
loved him. He was just like me.
Hey....
There's something l've been wanting
to tell you I feel pretty awful about.
I kind of want to get it off my chest. I....
I ditched you at the rest stop
in Louisiana.
-What?
-l had no intention of coming back.
So wrong.
Why would you do that?
Because I'm a pig. l'm an asshole.
I'm working on it.
Well, you know what?
You came back with doughnuts.
I think that says more
about you than leaving does.
So...
...just--
You're something else. Thanks.
That's a load off.
Well, there's something l've been
wanting to get off my chest too.
Shoot.
I'm not really 23 years old.
I know.
It's okay.
The other thing is...
...Peter...
...l have your wallet
and l've had it this whole time.
What?
What are you talking about?
Peter...
...okay, listen.
Why would you do that?
I saw it on the plane
and l didn't wanna be alone.
I was feeling vulnerable
because of my father's death.
And l just didn't wanna go across country
by myself, you know?
-lt's all here.
-Yeah.
All my money, all my credit cards.
Everything....
Everything I needed.
This whole time.
-You're okay with it?
-lt's in the past.
What are you gonna do?
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Thanks, Peter.
-Yep.
Okay. Okay.
Let's just hit the road then, right?
-You get Sonny, and l'll drive.
-l'll grab him in a minute.
-After I fucking kill you!
-Ow!
You little thief prick.
Die, thief. You thief.
Calm down!
Peter, count to 1 0. It'll help. Aah!
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]
The phone's ringing!
[ETHAN COUGHlNG]
-Hello, dear.
-Peter, it's happening.
-What?
-You won't believe it. My water broke.
-How?
-Where are you?
I'm at the Grand Canyon.
I'll be there in a minute.
What? Did you just say
the Grand Canyon?
Peter?
Mom? He's at the Grand Canyon.
Oh, my God.
-Who was it?
-My wife has gone into labor.
-l thought we were having a C-section.
-Get in the car.
You stepped on my Capezios.
Okay, okay, okay!
Let's go!
Good God, you maniac.
Not gonna make it. That's great.
I'm gonna miss the birth of my child.
We are gonna make it.
There's no "we." Don't say "we."
-Okay, look-- No. Me first.
-Please, can I--?
No. You can't. I told you l saw red.
I told you l was gonna put hands on you.
I have a problem.
And l'm sorry you were
the recipient of it.
But l warned you.
-l'm sorry.
-Fine.
But in the future,
when we're hanging out as buddies...
...if we get into a fight,
don't go for my face.
-That's how l make a living. Okay?
-Okay.
Still bleeding.
Check the glove, there's probably
a first-aid kit or something.
Clean yourself up.
Check this thing out.
Oh, shoot.
[SCREAMS]
I can't believe l did that.
Sorry, Peter. I'm so sorry.
I didn't think it was loaded. Pull over.
-No, I wanna keep going.
-No. Pull over.
-l don't want to.
-Pull over.
No, it didn't happen,
it didn't happen! Why?!
-l'm in shock!
-lt burns!
ETHAN:
Pull over! Pull over!
[PETER GROANlNG]
Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic!
[GROANS]
-Oh, no.
-Yep.
It's right there, yep.
-l'm so sorry.
-Don't worry.
We gotta stop the bleeding.
I need your scarf.
-Turn around?
-No. No, a tourniquet. A tourniquet.
What the fuck are you doing?
Turn around! Stay still. l got it.
You're fine. Right here.
I need you to tie it. I only got one hand.
It's deep.
We gotta get you to a hospital.
We're going to a hospital.
We're gonna be fine.
Oh, God! What did l do?
-Stop freaking out. lt's okay.
-What did l do? What did I do?
Let's do a little acting exercise like we did
at the rest stop in the bathroom, okay?
You're a sergeant,
I'm just a grunt in your platoon...
...but you promised me that you'd get me
home to my high-school sweetheart.
Okay.
Action.
[VOMlTING]
-Peter.
-Yeah?
I puked on the wound.
I know. It's okay, buddy.
I need you to drive, but we gotta go.
Okay?
Come on.
Get in the back seat, private.
What are you, a girl or something?
-Excellent.
-Like that?
-Yeah, let's roll.
-Yeah, okay.
-Figured it out yet?
-Figured what out?
Your son's about to be born.
What will you name him?
-l'll know it when I see him.
-How about "Sonny"?
No. Not naming my son
after a masturbating dog.
Don't listen to him, Sonny. He loves you.
Sonny, no!
Sonny. Sorry.
We're heading home!
I made it.
-Okay, come on.
-l made it.
Oh, the monkey, the monkey,
the monkey.
Sonny, we'll be right back, okay?
Got it.
PETER:
Oh, fuck.
Thank you.
I have an expectant father
and a gunshot victim.
PETER:
I know where we're going. Right here.
Then we cut left.
-Shoot.
-What?
I forgot to crack a window for Sonny.
-The door's off the car, Ethan.
-Right. Okay, good.
See? Together we think of everything.
Okay, here we go.
-Let's get you cleaned up. Right?
-Great. Yeah.
Give me these guys.
It's all about to go down.
Give you a vest, cover up the blood.
Have l told you that l love your perm?
Thank you, Peter.
Look who's come around.
PETER:
Sarah?
No, come on, come on.
This way, this way. Here we go.
-Ma'am.
-Here we go.
Put your handcuffs in your pocket.
Hide them.
-Here's the Rally Monkey.
-Boom.
-Ohh!
-Just keep pushing.
Sarah?
-Sarah?
-Peter?
-You hear that?
ETHAN: Go!
SARAH: Peter!
-Sarah!
Darryl. What the fuck?
FATHER: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, hey.
-Who the hell is this guy?
You gotta go, man. You gotta go.
SARAH: Peter!
-Peter, it's this way.
What the fuck?
Baby! Baby, you made it!
-Jesus, Peter, are you okay?
SARAH: Baby?
No, I just lost a little blood.
-Ohh! Oh, my God!
ETHAN: Everybody relax.
Relax. We need to find a hospital, okay?
-Who are you?
-My name is Ethan Tremblay.
-l'm your husband's best friend.
-lt's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Let's get that baby out of your vagina.
Okay.
-Breathe.
-Ahh!
[BABY CRYlNG]
ETHAN:
Look at the babies.
Look at that baby, right?
You see it?
PETER: Hey. What do we got?
-You little rascal.
-Look what you made.
-Show me.
Ohh. He's really cute.
That's a handsome boy.
-lt's a girl, actually.
-Mm-mm.
-Yep.
-No, the--
Dr. Greene says it happens all the time.
You know, ultrasounds
aren't always reliable.
Right.
-Little Rosie.
-Rosie?
Little Rosie Highman.
Does that sound strange to you?
No, it's such a pretty name.
Sarah thought you'd be okay with it.
-When did you talk to Sarah?
-Right after l cut the umbilical cord.
-You cut it?
-The tether of life from mother to child.
I got to cut that.
-No.
-Yes.
-You?
-l kept some.
I kept a little bit of it
and put it in my wallet.
-lt's good for sore ankles and stuff.
-Wow.
Wow. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Ethan, l dreamt this.
-This is crazy. I had this strange dream...
-Yeah?
...that was today.
And there was a bear.
What?
-And the bear chewed the cord.
-Mm-hm.
That's spot-on if you think about it.
That's like a one in a....
You know what l mean?
-l don't get it. What--?
-Forget it.
It's-- It's....
It's gotta be a good sign.
I guess I'll maybe leave you
with your family...
...and l got that meeting with that agent.
-lt's Friday.
-Yeah.
Yeah, good luck.
Oh, l wanted to give you this.
It has all of my information.
-Mm-hm.
-ln case you wanna get a soda.
-Or, you know, I could babysit.
-Right.
I'll keep it handy.
We had a crazy few days.
That was nuts.
We should do it again.
Go across country again.
Okay.
-Sure.
-Call me tomorrow about it.
-lf I don't--
-Call me tomorrow about it.
I might e-mail you.
Please don't take it personally.
No, no, e-mail's fine.
[DOG WHEEZES]
-Bye, Sonny.
-Do you mind if Sonny and l take the truck?
Feel free.
-lt's been a real pleasure, Peter.
-Been a lot of things.
Thanks.
Hey. Ethan.
Welcome to Hollywood.
What? You want me
to come back and talk to you?
I was just saying
in the most general sense.
The city welcomes you.
Just make sure you call me tomorrow.
I'll call you.
[DOORBELL RlNGS]
MAN:
Be right there.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hello?
Oh, hey. I'm Stu, the tutor.
Are you Jake?
No, I'm his father.
Oh.
I'm Stu, the tutor.
Right.
Have you been smoking pot?
No, sir. Not at all.
Perhaps you're smelling my cat.
[LAUGHS]
ALAN: Your cat?
ETHAN: Yes, sir. He's an outdoor cat.
You know what, he's really funny.
Don't get crazy.
I'm telling you, the show's funny.
Come on. You love him.
You know you love him.
I survived him. There's a difference.
Um, uh, Charlie, this is Jake's tutor, Stu.
-Hey.
-I'm not high, man, it's my cat.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
CHARLlE:
Relax, Stu. We're not cops.
ETHAN:
Oh, really? He sure looks like the heat.
Like clockwork. l told him
we'd call him after we watched it.
SARAH:
He's excited.
If she says his name, I'll freak out.
ETHAN:
Pita bread?
Hummus?
Again, no thank you.
You got any more pot?
Not for $9 an hour I don't.
I mean, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Encoded by RippeR