Dumbbells (2014) Movie Script

My coach
always told me
that in order
to achieve success
you must visualize
your dreams.
But more importantly,
you have to believe it.
For me, that vision
has always been clear.
NBA superstar
and married to Kim,
the love of my life.
If this all sounds
farfetched to you,
you probably haven't
seen me play.
My name is Chris Long.
And tonight
I realize my destiny.
# If it weren't for the boy
# Who felt like
whatever he did #
# Wasn't good enough
# Was different
than every kid #
# But wait,
deep down inside #
# There was a genius within
# And his heart was of gold
and hope was eager to win #
# Was so sick and tired
of all these people #
# Sneaking on him
# No, he would come and attack
by the evil again #
# And his family's poor
# He swore he would
feed them again #
# But on his way out there goes
the Grim Reaper again #
# They put him in
the coliseum #
# To be food for the lions
# But he cut right through 'em
like the man on fire #
# With my heart
of Leonidas #
# He fought through
all them riots #
# Cause he was one bad man
stick his nose to the choir #
# But this world
was deep in for you #
# Bloodlines went back
to the people #
Look at this crowd,
the feeling here is electric.
All that anticipation
for this epic showdown
between LA Tech
and Rock Falls Pioneers.
But the big story here
is the heroic play
of senior phenom Chris Long.
He has literally put
this team on his back
and carried them into
their first final appearance
in 23 years.
How about that?
That's right, Jeff.
Chris Long has had four,
count 'em,
four consecutive
Temple doubles.
He shows no sign
of stopping.
He will easily go top five
in the draft this year.
Top five?
What's wrong with you?
How about the top pick?
How do you spell MVP?
Chris Long.
Watch out NBA,
here comes Long.
Okay, Kim is a ho for sho'.
Chris deserves so much
better than her.
Brittany, it's your turn.
Truth or dare?
Who would you rather fuck?
David Beckham, Tom Brady,
or Chris Long?
Duh, Chris Long!
Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris!
Oh, my God!
No, no, Dick,
it looks like it's his knee,
this could be serious.
This is a crack
in the team's armor
they do not need
right now.
Oh, this hurts
just to look at.
Ah, what are you doing?
Thought you weren't supposed to
be back for another hour.
What's with the suitcase?
Don't be so emotional,
I'm, I'm not being emotional.
I don't have time for this,
Daddy's waiting.
But everything's
in the note.
Whoa, whoa,
Kim, slow down.
What's going on,
where are you going?
You have three and a half
years of college left.
This is your dorm room.
You're an art major.
I thought you,
you loved my paintings.
Kim, you can't listen to what
coaches and doctors
and physical therapists
and everyone else
at the school says.
I'm getting drafted.
You're delusional.
Wake up.
Kim, wait!
Loud and clear,
all right,
talk to you later.
All right, Mr. Long.
So, yeah, over here.
That was my boss
on the phone.
Sorry that took so long,
it's not just your thing,
I've got a sexual harassment
suit thing against me.
Whatever, you know,
bitches be crazy, you know?
Bitches also don't like
being called bitches
in the boardroom, so,
you live and you learn.
Anyway, good news for you.
He actually thinks
you look like
a professional
basketball player.
Awesome, so does that mean
I get the loan?
No, God no, not even,
were you serious about that?
No, you uh, you have no assets
to speak of
besides the size of your balls
for even asking
for that amount of money.
In fact, he thinks it's
a real estate scam.
No, no, no, no,
it's not a scam.
And uh, look, I need this loan,
I, I owe a lot of rent
Oh, well then, here,
take the money.
You know, would you,
no, it's no, it's no.
I don't know where
you're from,
but this is America, okay?
And in America
financial institutions
work with rules
and regulations.
You know?
It keeps us out of
economic des...
I mean, actually it lead to
economic destruction
right now, currently.
That's, that's on us,
but we've learned.
Probably a lot of it was from
giving loans
to people like you, let's be
honest, I'm just saying.
And I don't appreciate
the death stare, by the way,
so if you could put that
in your pocket as you leave.
But, look, okay?
I understand, all right?
You're desperate.
If I could offer you
some advice,
if you wouldn't mind,
just one guy to another, okay?
Get the fuck out
of my office.
Six AM, papi,
not ten.
Excuse me?
We need some help here.
There are like,
so many membership packages.
We, like, don't know
what we want.
Oh, my God.
You look so familiar.
Where do we
know him from?
I think he was at the club
last night, remember?
No, he wasn't at the club.
We saw him at the market,
He as at the salad bar.
Oh, my God,
no, wait,
you played for LA Tech,
didn't you?
OMG, you're that
basketball guy, right?
May I help you ladies?
So how did you end up
in here?
Yeah, you work here now?
I like, totally do work here.
Isn't that, like, crazy?
Are you mocking us?
This is the rudest gym
we've ever been to.
The rudest.
You need deodorant.
Elvira wants
her hairdo back.
Excuse me, young ladies,
hi, I'm Missy, hi.
Holy Jesus, Chris,
you really,
really gave it to 'em, huh?
- Bitches, right?
- Amen, brother.
Are you gonna let him speak
to our customers like that?
Cus-, they didn't buy anything.
Did they buy anything?
How are we supposed to
get more business
with you scaring
everybody off?
Did you really want
the Hilton freaks
working out here, Missy?
The bitches have money,
so, yeah.
I don't give a fuck if
they wanna snort lines
in the sauna.
Well, thank you
for your input.
Now if you'll excuse me
I'm gonna get back
to some work.
You mean staring at
that skinny bitch's
Facebook page again.
Miho, you need to go out
and get laid,
for Christ's sakes,
let a girl play with your dick
for all of our benefits.
News flash,
I make minimum wage
which makes me about
as attractive to women
as a yeast infection.
You're disgusting.
What's up dicksfit?
Seen the numbers on
my YouTube video?
I'm up to 104 views.
About to make
that sneezing panda my bitch.
Bro, you're getting the floor
all wet.
You're getting the kitchen
all ugly.
Hey, Chris.
Don't you fucking
talk to her.
I'm not even
talking to you.
You getting smart
with me, man?
I'm an orange belt,
I'll make you my prison bitch.
- Are we done?
- I'm never done, Chris.
I got 20 more laps
and an hour more worth of legs
and I'm not gonna stop
till I feel
like I'm back in college
and there's a fucking party
in the quad.
God, I love Mondays!
Hello, Chris.
You look a little bit down.
Maybe I can cheer you up with
a little bit of a tap dance.
What are you doing?
I have an audition as
a British tap dancer.
How'd I do?
Have you tried that
maximum strength antiperspirant?
Yes, I have tried it.
Paycheck time.
What are you guys
talking about, sports?
Know, I uh, I've been hit
with a few dodge balls
back in my time.
We should get a hoop
out back, huh?
Play a little B-ball.
I don't play basketball
anymore, Todd.
Why not?
I used to hear about you
all the time.
Chris Long scores 30.
Chris Long's unstoppable.
My dad said
you were the best.
He's excited to know that
we're on the same team now.
Pardon me.
Jack Guy.
# Jack Guy
# Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy
# Jack Guy
# Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy
# Who's that guy
# Jack Guy
# Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy
# Oooh, Jack Guy
# Is that guy
# Oooh, Jack Guy
Jack Guy?
Is that even a real name?
Stop being a little bitch.
Todd said not all of us
are gonna get fired.
Does that mean some of us
getting fired.
Big changes are coming
it's gonna be awesome.
Oh, can you change
the lock on that?
I'm gonna hit the Starbucks
for a green tea latte.
I'll be back in 20-ish,
all right?
Ah, Schmitty.
What the hell's going on?
You hit that club last night?
I heard it was hopping.
Oh, yeah, your world's
about to get fucked up.
What's up?
You tell us, motherfucker.
We have a new owner?
What about your dad?
He uh, said he was tired
of losing money on a business
just to keep me employed
and he wishes he would have
strapped up 30 years ago.
Well, we can't be fired.
In this freaking economy,
no one is hiring
and I know because I tried
to find extra work.
Okay, calm down.
Nobody's getting fired.
Uh, Todd, who is this
Jack Guy guy anyway?
You stinky pigs.
Do you realize you have
a business unattended outside?
Anybody care?
And your gross sewage pipes
are leaking stank
into my salon.
Meh, meh, meh,
meh, meh, meh, meh.
That's all I heard.
Take the dicks
out of your ears, genius, okay?
Because Todd, I told you
last week.
I told you the week
before that.
And you told him the week
before that, too, bitch.
"Beach", really?
Okay, people love
the beach.
- Welcome to America, bitch.
- Oh, really?
Ironic coming from a girl
that looks like a Chihuahua.
What is this,
"West Side Story"?
You guys aren't gonna do
You're gonna stand there?
Did you guys
choreograph this?
Well, if you put this much
effort into your goddamn gym
it wouldn't suck
so fucking bad, all right?
Peace out, motherfuckers.
Smell that,
that's much better.
Did you know he currently
holds the title
world's first ever
male supermodel?
He's dated Kate Beckinsale,
Cameron Diaz,
and is currently married
to Adriana Lima.
The Victoria's Secret
I bet even his dick
has a six pack.
And he's an all Ivy League
quarterback for Yale.
Record breaker,
28 touchdowns in one game.
How do you know all this?
I Google, Facebook, MySpace,
Wikipedia, and Twittered him.
Plus, he told me.
Holy Sherlock.
Check her out, homes.
Look at that
slippery fuck toy.
Uh, yeah, what I would
do to her
would be illegal
in most states.
Holy shit.
Mr. Guy's got some moves.
You mean Gay Namath?
Bet I can tell you
exactly what he's saying.
"Hi, I'm Jack,
Jack Guy.
"My dimples could
cure cancer.
"I'm a supermodel and
I throw footballs really far."
"Oh, my God,
your name's so cool.
"Your wallet's so big.
"I promise if you
treat me like shit,
"I will love you forever."
Missy's right, dude,
you need therapy.
Bro, you wear a Speedo.
Did you guys hear
the good news?
We're gonna be on TV.
I have been training
three years for "Ninja Warrior."
Out of the way,
I'm doing legs.
It'll be like "The Office"
except we're in a gym.
Those are the basics of
the reality show.
The less you know,
the better.
I wanna be clear
on one thing.
We are a team.
We have no favorites.
Everyone will get
plenty of screen time.
And I'd like the world
to get to know
each and every one of you,
'cause I sense greatness
in this room.
Um, I have a question.
What if we don't want
our lives on display?
Everybody loves
the limelight.
And the best part about this?
This is only the beginning
of the Dumbbells experience.
That's our new name,
Dumbbells 25/8.
'Cause 24/7's for pussies.
We're Dumbbells all the time.
Speak for yourself.
So does that mean
we get extra hours?
Negativo, operating hours
remain the same.
So then how can we be called
is reality.
Dumbbells 25/8,
but we're still open
from six to nine.
Actually Cliff,
in today's economy
reality shows have proven
to be a viable mechanism
to increase business profits
by as much as 300%.
Like "Sunset Tan".
Precisely, Bobby.
Three hundred percent?
And speaking of percentages,
I'm gonna need everybody to give
that little bit extra.
So if you've been at 100,
I need you at 150.
And if you've been at 10%,
I suggest a complete
attitude adjustment.
Attitude adjustment?
Ten fucking percent?
Okay, so now Mr. Hollywood says
we won't get any extra pay
or benefits
for being on the show.
And he wants us to sign
some bullshit contract.
Don't sign no contract.
I quit.
I am fucking done.
I would rather deliver
pizza for Domino's
than work for Captain Fuckwad.
I thought about going pro,
but with so many modeling offers
I figured, why risk it.
Cliff, may I help you?
Actually, it's Chris.
He's uh, he's good looking.
If you like that cheesy
daytime television
soap opera star look.
Too bad he's also married.
I know.
Hey, Jack, can I get your help
out back?
There's shit everywhere.
Oh, hey, I'm Todd.
Hi, I'm Jack's niece,
Oh, nice to meet you.
Chris, my office,
ten minutes sharp.
Todd, move,
oh my God,
you reek.
You wanted to see me?
Come on in.
I could come back.
No, no, take a seat.
Are you sure?
Yeah, sit down.
We need to talk.
First and foremost,
I've got two troubling
words for you.
Cock block.
I'm sorry?
Cock block.
So you were hitting on
your niece?
It's a metaphor.
This show
is like my fat,
pulsating cock.
And nobody's gonna block it.
And, Mr. Smart Alec,
you didn't know
she was my niece.
But nothing, tall guy.
Todd told me you were
some sort of
hot shot hoops star
back in the day.
That's great,
I was an athlete, too.
But I guess your coach
didn't teach you
about a little thing
known as teamwork.
You go outside right now
and you ask ten people,
even girls, if they like
a cock block.
And you're gonna get
ten nos.
I just wanted
to say bye.
Six AM?
Six AM, sharp.
Wow, cool fish.
- You like it?
- Yeah.
- Take it, it's yours.
- What, really?
Yeah, I think it was Todd's
it's gonna be thrown out.
Consider it to be
my gift to you
for helping out
on the show.
Thanks, wow, cool.
So I'll see you
bright and early, okay?
All right.
Let me make it
really simple for ya, buddy.
Either you're a cock block
or a Dumbbell.
You need to choose.
# Girl, don't be shy
# You can take a sneak peek
when I walk on by #
# Don't stare too long
# 'Cause the 12 inch python
just might bite #
# I steal your coin
# No shirts means I'm dressed to
please #
Hey, I'm a movie star.
Yeah, hey Momma, hey.
# The same as everybody
# I'm always at the club
# The life of every party
# I know you love my body
# The same as everybody
Hey, look who's here.
Good morning, Dumbbell.
So, check out
the new unis.
Not bad, huh?
You got here
three minutes late
so you get the sleeves.
So what do you think?
You don't waste any time.
Dreams do come true.
I'm glad you didn't pull
a LeBron on us, teammate.
That's me, go team.
Come on,
let's do this.
Day one of the rest
of your life.
# I do my thing
# Girl on the ground
when I do my thing #
# I'm at the gym all day
# Bet your boyfriend wouldn't
try to do the same #
# I walk around
struttin' my stuff #
# Short shorts for the ladies
trying to check my stuff #
# Yeah, baby, you can look
but you sure can't touch #
# You ain't ready for my lovin'
'cause I like it rough #
# I know you
want my body #
# The same as everybody
Thank you, Jack Guy.
Come on!
Who sweats this much?
Fuck you,
fuck you.
# You should take a picture
'cause it lasts a lot longer #
# Longer, longer
What sweating problem?
Feels so good
to work out high.
What's up, Enrique l-gay-sius?
What are you doing in the gym
during serious training hour?
Filming a show, right?
Since when do you
wanna film the show?
Bobby, leave me alone.
Ah, I got it.
What are you, "Ah,
I getting it" about?
You wanna finger Jack's niece
under a blanket.
So, I guess you made up
with my uncle.
- Hi.
- Wow, you, you look...
Okay, this is awkward.
Great compliment.
So, you're the Chris Long.
You didn't think I'd
figure it out, did ya?
I didn't really take you
for a basketball fan.
Wait, basketball?
No, I was, I was referring
to the fish.
It was signed
"Chris Long"?
The painting.
Right, yes.
Wow, I'm, I'm impressed.
I can't believe you were able
to read my signature,
most people tell me it just
looks like a C with a scar.
Good morning, everyone.
Welcome to
the Dumbbells experience.
But first I'd like us all
to give a big, warm,
Dumbbells welcome
to our very own
Dumbbell Girls.
I'd also like us to give
a big hand
to our very acclaimed director,
famous for his
award-winning short,
"I Think It's HPV"
Mr. Sterling LeBoef Jones.
So now we're gonna do
a little b-roll.
So please do me a fave,
just pair up, work out,
and, most importantly,
just mingle.
Pretend like
we're not even here.
Remember, it's all about
looking hot.
So don't sweat.
All right,
Dumbbells team out,
let's do this.
So we're partners,
Yes, yes,
yes, we are.
Yeah, sorry.
That's cool.
I went to law school
for a few years
and then I thought to myself,
"Why the hell
am I doing this?
"I hate this."
So I quit.
But I discovered what I loved
which was psychotherapy.
Yup, I'm gonna be
a therapist.
Yeah, really.
Why, you sound surprised.
No, it's just funny
because people
are always telling me
that I need therapy every day,
"You need therapy".
Great stuff, keep going,
I love the honesty.
Physical therapy, I mean.
And that is why
I work out here.
Let's go, Dumbbells!
Can you believe this shit?
Yeah, it's a total
exploitation of women.
I'm talking about Chris.
He's actually talking to her
as if she's a person.
So what I wanna know is
other than adorable fish,
what else do you paint?
I uh, I don't really paint
that much anymore.
You're good.
You should keep at it.
Are you drinking soda?
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
I don't put that shit
in my body.
I'm downing some COC.
Cellular Oxygen Creatine.
A liquid formula that triples
my amino acid circulation
while quadrupling
my recovery time by five.
Plus, it tastes like cherries.
Are we ready for
the exciting part of the show?
In a few minutes we'll begin
the athletic competitions
to determine
the King of the Gym.
Yes, yes!
I'm fucking stoked!
But first, I'm very proud
to introduce
our very own
celebrity host.
Drum roll, please.
With great pleasure
I would like to introduce
the one, the only,
the fabulous Fabio!
# I'm sexy
# Who's sexy
# Who's sexier
# She got a mean cat
# But I got the eye
of a tiger #
# And I'ma go hunting
# We gonna be humping
like we on fire #
# Come on baby,
let's work it out #
# Let's bring this party
to the floor #
# She's sexy, sexy
# When she turns
it right on #
# She's sexy, sexy
# When she breaks it down
# She's sexy, sexy
# When she turns around,
turns around #
# Breaks it down
# Work it out,
work it out #
# Get your dumbbells girls,
spread it out #
# And get your workout on
# Get your dumbbells girl,
spread it out #
# And get your workout on
# Get your dumbbells girl,
spread it out #
# And get your workout on
Eric, listen,
I told you many time
I don't want to do
the reality TV show
with a Kardashian.
Beside, the only good
reality TV they make
is when they make porn.
You know what, Chris?
This, this is only
the beginning.
We're getting in
at the ground floor.
My goal is to be
the Coca Cola
of the film industry.
The lights look great,
what are you talking about?
Don't tell me
it's not artistic.
I've got a show to run.
You ready, big guy?
Hey, listen, don't feel
like you have to do this,
all right?
'Cause I know my uncle can be
a bit overzealous.
Wow, well,
I appreciate that,
but I think I can handle
a little reality show
You know, Sigmund Freud
"The ego is not the master
in its own house."
I thought he said,
"The rhythm is gonna get ya."
Just be careful, all right?
Did she just imply
that I have an ego?
Little bit.
Okay, guys.
Let's have a good time,
let's have some fun,
but, most importantly,
don't fuck up my shit.
We can't do that.
It's television.
The girls have to wear
Are you crazy?
A, E, I, O, U.
Ready, Fabs?
Oh, yeah,
just give me a minute.
Fuck you, Seacrest,
it's Fabio's time.
Oh, hello, America.
Fabio here.
Welcome to Dumbbells 25/8.
Let's meet
our first contestant.
One is a wannabe actor,
and the other one
a washed-up hoops star.
They must remain
in their position
known as the breakdown stance.
Do not stop,
do not stand up.
Ready, and go.
Go go!
Come on.
You are delusional.
Don't be so emotional.
You're a fuck...
fuck... fucking
You're a loser.
You're delusional.
Wake up.
And the winner is
Chris, you're a pussy.
You all right?
Fabio's kind of a dick, huh?
But don't beat yourself up,
I thought you did great in
Look at the bright side.
You have a bad knee,
yet you still competed.
So what'd you do?
Did you try rehabilitating it?
I did, I had some of the best
physical therapists
there were, actually.
And I was making
really good progress.
The Miami Heat even
invited me
to their summer league.
Wow, that's amazing.
It was,
it really was.
Until dinosaur-looking
Chris Bosh
stepped on my left ankle.
He made me fall on my face
in front of Pat Riley
and the whole coaching staff.
They cut me
the next day.
The truth is I was
never better than 50%
after my injury.
Strange how life takes us
in directions
we least expect, huh?
Tell me about it.
Here we go.
Did Chris Bosh step on
your hand, too?
Oh, wow!
Someone is hilarious, huh?
I try.
Hey, turd face!
Some icky blonde tramp
just threw up
in front of my salon,
and we can hear your music
You know what?
- I'm gonna go.
- Hello.
You're leaving?
Yeah, I just,
I have some schoolwork...
You know what?
You can talk to
your girlfriend later, okay?
Ivana, listen, okay?
I know when you were
a little brat
your dad gave you all the
puppies and ponies you wanted,
but in the adult world you can
take a time fucking out.
You know what?
Time fucking in, Mister, okay?
Because it wasn't a pony,
it was a stallion.
His name was Prancer,
and he was perfect.
And now he's dead,
so fuck you.
Hey, Chris,
it's Kimmy.
Miss me?
Of course you do.
Oh, my gosh, Daddy and I
just got back
from Saint-Tropez,
you would not believe it!
I am so channeling...
- Jack.
- Chris.
What are you still
doing here?
Ah, I was just using
the internet.
I didn't realize
anyone was still here.
You don't have internet
at home?
Well, I kind of haven't
paid the bill
in like, seven months,
so, no.
Ah, money problems, huh?
Well, you know
what they say.
Mo' money,
mo' problems.
Yeah, what do they say
about no money?
Excuse me.
So, you speak Spanish.
What a surprise.
Well, I did use to date
Sofia Vergara.
Guess you could say
it comes with the package.
Fuck you, seriously.
What are you even
doing here still?
Shouldn't you be at home
with your Victoria's Secret
supermodel wife?
Let me tell you something
about me, Chris.
When I start
filming something,
I never leave base camp.
It's 25/8, baby.
Could you put a towel on?
Not a locker room guy, huh?
More like not a cock
in my face guy.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You don't sound fine.
I know that look.
What's her name?
Come on, spill the beans.
You remind me of
my friend Tantu.
Tantu Tantutututinko,
my Native American friend.
He was a chef
at the local diner
at the reservation where
I do my sweat lodges
with the Bee Gees.
Let me tell ya,
nobody can poach an egg
like Tantu.
He used to always say
that he was fine,
but he wasn't.
I could see it all over
his Indian face
and I see the same look
on your face right now, Chris.
Can you stop?
Just stop.
I know what to do.
Get comfortable, buddy.
What are you doing?
Therapy saved my life.
And how does that
apply to me?
I don't need therapy.
What is with you people?
She said that
she loved me
and she didn't love me.
She left,
she didn't even say goodbye,
she left a note.
It wasn't even goodbye.
And then I say,
"Guess what, Kim?
"I don't even wanna play
in the NBA anyway,
"you materialistic fuck!
"Why don't you go
whiten your teeth again?
"Why don't you throw up
that hamburger
"in the toilet again?
"You don't think
I can hear it?
"I can hear it every time!"
I guess what bothers
me the most
is obsessively pondering
over what I could have been.
My true potential.
NBA star,
happily married to Kim,
or anything other
than what I am now.
Chris, sometimes we need
to lose everything
that we think we want
in order to discover
who it is
that we really are.
That's deep.
It's a magnet
on my refrigerator.
Starting salary.
Sounds like
a fucking bitch.
I just, I don't get her.
Why now?
I mean, where's she been
and why do I still give a shit?
Don't beat yourself up, pal.
Every woman's
got a vagenda.
The question is whether
it's the right one for you.
Did you say "vagenda"?
That injury was the best thing
that could ever happen to you.
That injury saved your life.
Do you really think
the two of you
could have ever
been happy together?
You know what?
You're right again.
I don't,
I don't need her
and I don't need
her daddy's money,
and I've got things
going on in my life.
I've got, I've got Jack Guy.
I've got Dumbbells 25/8,
That's right, brother.
You know what?
I feel good right now.
I feel clear.
I feel one with the universe
or something.
I feel, I feel taller.
I feel light.
Everybody should try therapy
at least once.
It's not like people haven't
tried to tell me that.
Especially Missy.
Did you know that Missy and Dre
take a two hour bus ride
to get here every day?
- From downtown.
- Really?
I feel like I've been
a jerk to those guys.
I feel like I wanna do
something nice for them.
Well, we could start
by brightening their day.
Hey, dumbass, did you forget
to lock the door last night?
I was a little tipsy.
Wait, do you hear music?
# I used to think
maybe you loved me #
# Now baby I'm sure
# And I just can't
wait till the day #
Good morning!
First, I'd like to say
that I think you're both
equally amazing
and I'm sorry from
the bottom of my heart
for being an a-hole.
And I appreciate
both of you.
You see, Missy,
you are like my rock.
You're my foundation
that keeps me sturdy.
And, Dre, you're like
the rainbow
that shines above those rocks.
And not like a gay rainbow,
but a masculine rainbow
with muted colors.
Who are you and what
have you one with Chris?
Hey, there he is!
Day two, baby.
Nice wheels.
Something wrong?
Yeah, you know what's wrong.
Your check bounced,
you asshole.
There must be some mistake.
I mean, come on, Fabs,
you know I'm good for it.
Listen, don't call me Fabs,
it's Fabio.
- Io.
- Io.
- Io, io, you idiot.
- Fabio.
Let's go inside,
everyone's waiting.
You screw me over,
and you know what?
Nobody fucks
with Fabio.
I've got plenty of money
in that account!
Let's just say the man
has a vision.
Big changes
are coming.
There's the genius!
Saul, where are you?
I've got a big problem,
call me back!
What uh, is wrong?
Fabio quit.
Let me guess.
There was too much
dialogue for him.
Why, why,
why did he quit?
Because he's a dick.
And the check
I wrote him bounced.
I called my money manager,
but what it means is,
you know,
I gotta send everybody home
and still pay for it.
All right, we'll find
a new host, right?
Chris, I just can't, like
go on the internet
to CelebrityHost. Com
and push a button.
It's not that easy.
Not to mention I've got
the cast and crew here
for two days, that's it.
Well, let's take
a time out
and let's think about this,
all right?
We need a host,
we need a host.
We need someone charming,
someone personable,
someone who's not a dick,
Jack Guy!
You've done a million
modeling campaigns,
you've traveled the world,
you've always been in front
of the camera.
You should host the show.
Well, I did guest star
on a soap opera once.
That's what I'm talking about,
Look out this window,
all right?
This is your vision, buddy.
We're all looking through
the point of view
of our own reality tunnel.
And every reality tunnel
is different.
Wikipedia says
that Fabio's Protein
is better than water.
Yuck, what the...
What's going on?
Why is Jack getting
concealer applied?
His skin is perfect.
Fabio quit, Jack's the host,
and Chris is a fucking alien.
You ready to roll, Sterling?
Todd, what's up?
I was uploading,
trying to upload yesterday's
footage to your Mac
like you told me,
but um,
for some reason it doesn't
look like the footage
actually recorded.
Sterling, just hold on
for a second.
What do you mean
it didn't record?
How could that be?
Did you know about this?
Does anyone here
speak idiot?
Fuck it, all right?
You need something done right
you gotta do it yourself.
All right, just roll this time.
Are you the owner of
this establishment?
I am.
I'm with
the Department of Health,
and pardon the pun,
you need to get
your shit together!
Have a nice day.
Hello, America.
Why is it so fun
being a dick?
Don't wanna be
a pussy.
we're losing power!
I can't work like this!
Everything's okay.
It's just a coincidence that
all my checks are bouncing.
Uncle Jack?
Saul's hard
to get a hold of.
He travels a lot.
Are you okay?
Just having a few
communication issues.
You know what
I just thought of?
Why don't you call
She would make
a perfect host.
Problem solved.
Yeah, Adriana.
Adriana left me
five months ago.
Is this Octaurean related?
He was in a cult
for 20 years.
What, like Catholicism?
No, they worshipped a star
called Octaurus.
But he escaped.
Look at that!
See, things are already
looking brighter.
And there he goes,
money manager
Saul Rosenblattsteinberg
is being indicted on accusations
of running a Ponzi scheme
involving some of Hollywood's
biggest names,
many of whom are linked
to the alleged cult
known as Octaurean Lifestyles
which was first exposed
by famous model
and former member, Jack Guy,
who is also a victim in
this tragic turn of events.
Man, did he royally
fuck those people.
Back to you in the studio,
Jack, are you okay?
These electronic toothbrushes
are amazing.
I haven't had a cavity
in over ten years,
you know that?
Sit with me,
talk to me.
What's up?
Something wrong?
You tell me, Tantu.
Adriana never loved me.
She said she did,
but she didn't.
She went away on a photo shoot,
she never even came back.
She ran off with
some German photographer
with a ponytail.
Dirk the jerk.
I didn't join the cult, mother!
No one joins a cult!
I was brainwashed!
I mean, my God,
they told me
I was saving the world!
They said, "Sign here,
you'll help save the world."
I signed.
Wh-, what would you do?
Did that answer
your question?
Yes, yes, I did think
the spaceships were coming!
I guess what bothers
me the most is that
no one ever seems
to take me seriously.
Even in the cult my nickname
was Dipshit.
I remember the day
I escaped.
February second,
Groundhog Day.
I was running butt naked
through the forest
with nothing but a squirrel pelt
and my dignity
to keep me warm,
but I got away.
That was the first day
that I really questioned
my decision to change my name
to Jack Guy.
What's your real name?
Phil Wienerman.
Wait a second,
what should I call you?
Jack or Phil?
I don't know.
Actually, I was thinking
of changing my name again.
I always liked
the name "Jim".
Considering that you
wanna be taken seriously
and you own a fitness club now,
"Jim Guy" might not be
the best option.
I'm just saying.
There you go.
Listen, I just wanted
to thank you again
for helping my uncle
through this.
I know he can be
a bit eccentric.
No, no, no,
it's fine,
it's my pleasure.
Well, you're sweet.
You're sweet, too.
Well, till next time.
Cool Vespa.
You know what?
On Saturdays um,
we take the underprivileged
kids that I work with
to the park to get
some outdoor activity.
I was thinking maybe
you could come by
and show 'em some
basketball moves or something.
Yeah, that sounds awesome.
So um, Pan Pacific Park,
one PM.
Pan Pacific Park,
one PM.
Once again I'm uh,
I'm really, really sorry.
Due to my current
financial situation
and the failure of
the reality show
why doesn't everyone just
take the rest of the week off.
We'll plan to reconvene
on Monday.
But uh, in light of
everything that's happened
unless some sort
of miracle occurs,
I strongly encourage everyone
to explore
other employment
Three days of working here,
you get us shut down?
# Lately seems
you've been distant #
# Or maybe I just
don't read you so well #
# What you want
in an instant #
# Would say with your eyes
# It's getting harder
to tell #
# And I want you to know
I'm trying #
# Trying the best
that I can #
# And if our love
is slowly dying #
# I want you to know
# Where I stand
in my heart #
# My heart, my heart
You're early.
It's been a while.
I figured I could
use the practice.
Let's play some basketball.
All right guys, back up,
we're gonna work on defense,
Let's see what you got.
# If it weren't for the boy
# Who felt like
whatever he did #
# Wasn't good enough
# Was different
than every kid #
# But wait,
deep down inside #
# There was a genius within
# And his heart was of gold
and hope was eager to win #
# Was so sick and tired
of all these people #
# Sneaking on him
# No, he would come and attack
by the evil again #
# And his family's poor
# He swore he would
feed them again #
# But on his way out there goes
the Grim Reaper again #
# They put him in
the coliseum #
# To be food for the lions
# But he cut right through 'em
like the man on fire #
# With my heart
of Leonidas #
# He fought through the riots
# Cause he's one bad man
# Gave his notes to the choir
# But this world
was deep in for you #
# Bloodlines went back
to the people #
# You gotta fight way out,
it can be done #
# But in him dwells the heart
of a champion #
# Never quit, never lose hope,
overcome #
# Never fear to fly,
you can be the one #
Oh, come on,
that's not fair.
Hey, there.
Aren't you amazing
with the kids, who knew?
Thank you.
Now that brings us to
a little bit of a surprise
that I have for you.
I figured we'd
have to eat, right?
Check it out.
Peach and raspberry
cobbler pie.
Wow, um...
Hey, Manny,
what's up, buddy?
If you're such
a superstar player,
how come you can't dunk?
Kids, right?
Well, uh, Manny,
as you can see
I don't exactly have
the best knee anymore, so...
I still don't think you can.
Well, actually used to be able
to dunk pretty well
back in the day.
Then prove it.
Are you bullying me?
I got ten baseball cards
that says you can't.
All right, okay, Manny,
why don't we
stop bugging Chris
and thank him for
coming out today.
I guess since his girlfriend's
rescuing him
I'll leave him alone.
Especially since
he's chicken.
No, Rachel,
it's totally cool.
Ten baseball cards, huh?
Listen, you do not
have to do this.
I think I do.
Dotted line, Manny.
Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris...
Please, God, don't make me
look stupid
in front of Rachel
and all these kids.
Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris...
Guess who.
Hey, baby,
I got out early!
Look at you.
Chris, wait up.
Yeah, what's up?
I'm sorry.
Look, I meant to tell you,
Don't be silly.
Look, it's totally cool,
I just um, I uh,
what time is it?
I promised a friend
that I would uh,
help him move today.
I gotta,
gotta get to IKEA.
Rachel, I get it,
you're engaged.
I mean, he seems like
a really nice guy, successful.
- What is that, Armani?
- Chris.
I just came to help you
with the kids, right?
Babe, you ready?
It was nice
meeting ya, Cliff.
Yeah, you too,
it was a great surprise.
Thanks for helping her out
with all those kids,
they can be, you know,
semen demons.
Which one's your whip,
by the way?
Yes, for sure.
Wow, what an angry
little Asian man.
Uh, okay, well, Mr. Guy, is it?
Is it Guy, Gee?
Guy, all right.
You don't look French
but I thought
I'd give it a shot.
If you were I would
kick you out immediately.
Listen, that was my boss
and he actually saw you
coming in and uh,
congrats, he thinks you look
like a movie star.
An action hero, actually.
"No, Daddy, I love you."
Does that mean
I have the loan?
No, no, God no.
The loan? No, that's, no,
you're not even close
to getting a loan.
You have no assets
to speak of.
It's kinda embarrassing,
actually, at your age.
Uh, no, there's not a lot
we can do for you,
in fact you owe a ton of people
a ton of money,
so let's hope
they're not Italian.
I don't think you understand.
I really need this loan.
You really need it?
I didn't know that,
I didn't.
Hey, Charlie!
Hey, we got a guy in here
who really needs a loan.
Charlie's gone,
Charlie actually was fired
three weeks ago.
I think that office
is actually empty.
But let's be honest,
look in the mirror.
You, you know,
you were turned down
before you even left
your apartment.
And I said "apartment"
because there's no way
you have a house, right?
That's been taken away,
No, this is, this is
an unfortunate incident
in that you actually
got into my office and um,
and I feel, I don't know.
I am feeling something,
but I think I'm just hungry.
# When I'm alone
# That's when I'm most
dangerous, serious #
# On my own clock ticking
like a metronome #
# A feeling that
you'll never know #
# Unless you been
delirious #
Hey, Chris.
It smells good in here, man.
Uh, look, I really like you,
you know that.
You're a nice guy.
I wanted to tell you this
in person, all right?
Look, you're evicted, man.
- What?
- Yeah.
It hurts me, bro,
I'm sorry.
Listen, are you
cooking in here?
Listen, they're towing
your car downstairs,
four black guys.
It's crazy.
Awesome, thank you.
You uh, you been
working out?
You look nice, man.
Real good.
Can I borrow your
"Titanic" DVD?
You still owe me
"Sleepless in Seattle".
I'll get it to you.
You like chicks, right?
Keep the damn DVD,
Harold l...
What are you...
What are you doing here?
What do you mean
what am I doing here?
I've come back to you.
Uh, you should go.
I know that you think I
wasn't very nice to you
in the past.
But we were kids then.
We're not kids anymore.
That tickles.
By the way, Daddy said
you could start at 100.
Okay, Kim, Kim, Kim!
I need to know why now?
Why not now,
I'm horny.
No, Kim, why now
all of a sudden
do you wanna be with me?
Chris, I've always loved you
and when you got hurt
I was scared.
I didn't know what to do,
it was hard for me.
You were scared?
I was the one...
I had my walls up.
And now they are way down.
Ah, okay.
Oh, there's my big boy.
There he is, okay.
Kim, stop, stop,
Kim, Kim!
I need to ask you,
have you ever apologized
to anybody for anything
in your entire life?
So this is my eighth
voicemail now.
Jack, no one
has heard from you,
I'm starting to get concerned.
Where are you?
Call me back.
I have a weapon and I
will fuck you up, man!
I am a weapon and I
will fuck you up more!
Holy cow, what happened
to your hair?
I know it's them!
Turn the lights off,
get down.
Were you followed?
I don't know.
Did you talk to anyone?
My grandmother.
What-, what are you doing?
Let me see your teeth.
Why are you touching me?
Stop touching me.
Ow, ow, Jack!
Say "ah".
Ah, ah, ah!
You're clean.
What the hell?
I know this all
seems crazy.
But remember my money manager,
Saul Rosenblattsteinberg?
The guy who got arrested
for the Ponzi scheme?
Well, years ago I introduced
Saul to the cult.
So this weekend
the damn cult kidnapped me
because Saul stole over
three million dollars from them.
They thought I was in on it.
You have forsaken us all
I'm so sorry,
Benevolent Leader.
I didn't know Saul was a crook.
He took me for everything,
and you bastards sill owe me
six million.
Nobody's gonna take you
seriously, Phil.
You are a total fuck up.
We tire of your resistence
and your incompetence.
The end of days
is upon us.
The spaceships are coming
and you shall learn your lesson.
No, no!
Not the hair, no!
It's probably for the best
that I forget about the gym
for a while.
I gotta deal with
these assholes.
Chris, sorry I couldn't
turn things around.
Two hearts becoming one.
Our beautiful Kimmy and Chris,
Cheers, Sir.
Oh, Chris.
Guess what?
Daddy's getting us a condo.
It is so beautiful,
I've seen pictures.
And there's an extra bedroom
so we can convert it
into a closet for me.
Nothing is too good
for my princess.
Is it, princess?
Look at her, Chris.
Isn't she a princess?
She is definitely a princess.
I am a princess!
Here we are, Princess.
Fat free, sugar free,
gluten free vegan lettuce cups
minus the rice
and the oil,
which I'm sure is much tastier
than the chef always makes it.
Thank you so much, Sir.
Jeffry, um, is that corn?
- Take it!
- Jeffry.
Sir, I'm so sorry,
I'm a horrible person
and I will go improve myself
around the corner.
How difficult is it
for them to get it right?
I'm gonna go
to the bathroom.
You gotta respect that.
She knows what she wants.
What the hell
are you doing?
Put down the knife
and fork, fuck head.
Come on, respect her.
Wait for your princess
to come back.
Sorry, my bad.
My bad, my bad?
Who are ya, Snoop Dogg, now?
I'm sorry.
You hear me, homey?
No, no, I think I know you.
You're one of those assholes
that plays basketball
every night, right?
Right, and then you're listening
to your rap music
with your hippie friends.
And you're probably on
narcotics right now,
huh, Cheech?
No, no, Sir,
you have me all wrong.
When it comes to my daughter
she is my everything.
So you hurt her,
you so much as disrespect her,
and I'm sending people
to your house.
I'm gonna run to
the restroom myself
really quickly.
Hi, it's Rachel,
leave a message at the beep.
Hey, baby,
it's Craig.
Why don't you
call me back?
We can work through this,
we can talk this out, okay?
Call me back.
It was just a rub and tug.
It's not that big of a deal,
it was a massage, okay?
That bitch was just masturbating
with her hand on top of mine.
Without mine being there.
You know what?
I be banging bitches
left and right.
You don't know shit,
you don't know nothing,
I don't need you.
So, as you can see,
the living room
is very spacious.
Well, I, I see
that there's a pool,
but where's the tennis court?
We were told this property
has a tennis court.
Where do you expect us to go
when the servants
are cleaning the house?
Uh, well um,
there's a ping pong table
in the basement.
How dare you?
I have not been practicing
my backhand for nothing.
And why is there so much
furniture in this room?
Well, Ma'am, sometimes
we furnish the houses
to give the prospective buyers
a better idea
of what it will be like
once they...
And that trim is pretty shitty,
who did that?
Jack who?
Is he in the union?
He's speaking to you,
I have explosive diarrhea,
so I will be right back.
He's not a dimwit.
You have to have a wit
to be dim.
- Right.
- Jack.
Call me Lonestar,
lay low.
Lonestar, why?
No time to explain.
Bianca, Bianca,
you gotta see this.
Where are you?
Bianca, this,
what are you doing down there?
I can't let you do this.
Do what?
Look at you.
Look at me?
Jack, look at you.
You don't think I look good
as a brunette?
I'm happy right now, okay?
I've got my life together,
I've got money,
things are great.
Oh, everything's great, huh?
Oh, come on,
open your eyes.
Is this really
what you want?
- Yes, yes, it is.
- All right, look.
I'll be the first to admit
I lost my marbles there
for a little while.
But I'm back and I've never
been more clear on anything.
The cult tried to kill my
I'm never gonna let anybody
ever do that again.
I can't give up.
Not on the gym,
and not on myself.
And you shouldn't either.
Lonestar, look.
Even if I did wanna
quit this job and dump Kim,
the gym's shut down
and you're broke.
Not anymore.
I've got a plan,
but I need your help.
You are a foul,
horrible young man.
I'm gonna call your office
and file a complaint.
My God, Jack, this is like,
freakishly good.
One great thing about
being in a cult,
planning to take over the world
every day
makes you very meticulous
and a great strategist.
You know what else?
I think we should do a whole
social media marketing campaign.
I love it, let's do that!
Let's get to work.
Oh, man, really?
Can I get one day off?
My freaking armpits.
Your hyperhydrosis is
acting up again, huh?
You poor bastard.
You haven't figured it out yet,
have you?
Let me guess.
You've tried every
antiperspirant known to mankind.
But nothing works, nothing,
not even clinical strength.
Now you're resorted
to blow drying your pits,
patting them down
with paper towels.
Okay, are you following me?
Here, let me
show you something.
I keep this
as a reminder.
See, back then
we didn't have Photoshop.
Hyperhydrosis could have
killed my career
before it even started.
You're just like me.
Dude, she is hot.
You're not helping.
Be strong.
Who the hell was that
and what were you two doing?
That's my friend, Lonestar.
Daddy's waiting.
Ew, your armpits
are sweaty.
I have a condition,
I said, "what"?
I'm leaving.
I know, we have to go.
No, I'm leaving alone.
We're not driving
to Daddy's separately.
Bye, Kim.
Oh, God, is this you
being emotional again?
Don't be so emotional, Chris.
You're delusional,
wake up.
You know what, Kim?
I'm a Cancer,
and we are emotional,
art majoring,
Have a great life.
I don't get it.
God, I feel amazing!
I feel like I could climb
a mountain or something!
Why are we in a Prius?
I thought you had
a Lamborghini.
Had to downsize
for the mission.
Wait, where are we going?
Page two, step one,
blue highlight.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
These fuckers took
six million from me
and we need that money
to save the gym.
You gave a cult
six million dollars?
Are you crazy?
I didn't give it to them.
I was investing in land
on Octaurus.
Plus, they told me
it was a write-off.
Look, ah, Jack...
I mean Lonestar, look.
I, I can't do this,
I'm sorry.
We have all the power,
just play the role,
it'll be fine.
What do I call myself?
Do I have a code name?
I don't want these guys
knowing who I am.
Ronald McDonaldson.
Okay, ready?
What are we doing
in a dentist's office?
Think about it,
that's how they get you.
Everybody needs to get
their teeth cleaned.
This is crazy.
What am I getting
myself into?
Oh, my God, what if
they have guns?
What if they try
to kill me?
Holy shit,
I'm gonna die.
I ate carbs today.
I am such a fatty.
Why did I think
I could do this?
I hardly even know
this guy.
What if he's trying
to brainwash me?
What if I'm already
in the cult?
I bet Rachel has
a blonde wig.
Yeah, but it would look
totally fake.
I am Ron.
Mariah Carey flies south
for the winter.
Honey or Glitter?
Right this way.
Octaurean Lifestyles,
this is Venus,
how can I help you?
Enter voice authorization
Hello, Benevolent Leader.
Have a seat.
You dare bring in
an outsider, Dipshit?
This is my spiteful,
relentless, ball crushing,
undefeated lawyer.
Oh, yeah,
your worst nightmare.
Um, well, first I would
like to um,
thank you for...
Spit it out,
Remember why we're here.
We need this money
to save Dumbbells.
All right, motherfucker.
I want you to listen to me,
and I want you to listen well.
Your organization
owes my client
upwards of six million dollars.
My client has suffered
from anxiety, depression,
erectile dysfunction...
I, I have that last problem
under control now.
And I will not stop until
justice has been upheld,
my bald friends.
What do ya got?
Are you dentists familiar
with the iPhone
audio recorder app?
Well, lucky for me my client was
during your little
routine kidnapping.
Do you remember that?
Behold evidence A.
No, no,
not the hair!
Anything but the hair,
Goat, goat, goat, goat,
goat, goat, goat, goat...
Silence, Octaureans!
Fuck this goat.
Oh, and uh, that is not
the only copy of that recording.
I got that shit
on my iCloud.
What's up?
So if you love bugs
try any funny business
I will have the FBI
and the CIA and TMZ
all over this place like
stink on baboon, my friend.
...thousand dollars.
Yeah, baby!
Take that to the bank,
where you going?
Page 12, orange highlight,
unfinished business.
Jack, she's engaged.
Not anymore.
How's my hair look?
It looks fine.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Let's just go back
to the gym, instead.
Are you not familiar
with Eckhart Tolle's book
"Power of Now"?
Carpe diem,
seize the day.
I'll speak to her
You just took on
a whole cult.
You can talk to my niece.
What am I supposed to say?
I'll do all the talking,
Hey, Rach.
Uncle Jack, Chris,
what are you guys doing here?
Chris will explain everything.
Hey, guys.
Who wants to play
a little HORSE?
So, once again, I'm,
I'm really sorry that uh,
that I didn't respond to
any of your text messages.
That was, that was immature.
Well, look, I'm sorry.
For everything.
So we're both sorry.
I know, why don't we start over.
I'm Chris.
I'm Rachel.
So who is Jack?
Oh, Tom Jones over there?
That's my sugar daddy.
I knew it!
I cannot believe you thought
that when we first met.
I have a lot of deep
core rooted issues
stemming from
my childhood, mostly.
Eat it, chew it,
how does failure taste?
All right, well, I guess I
should get back to the kids.
But, thanks for stopping by.
Would you like to go out
You are a super,
super sweet guy
and you made me laugh,
but I just need time.
Of course.
I mean, I, I get it.
You just broke up
with your fianc,
you need some time.
Yeah, whore,
how does that feel?
It feels like the band
is back together.
Speaking of bands,
Jack's hair looks awesome.
I just hope Bon Jovi
has good news
because we couldn't find
anywhere that was hiring.
And we're saving up
for a Kia.
That's a great vehicle.
Rachel, perfect timing.
Wow, look who's brought
the Dumbbells uni, I like it.
I gotta rally the troops.
I'll see you in a little bit,
All right.
Blonde is way better.
Thank you for coming.
I've gotta support
my uncle, right?
All right, everyone.
Let me just say uh,
it's fantastic
to see you all back
in uniform again.
I know we've had
some bumps in the road,
but uh, I hope you enjoyed
that little vacation of yours
'cause that's all it was,
'cause it's time to get down
to some work.
That's right, it's time to turn
the gym's business around
and take back control
of our lives.
And that's why we've come up
with a three part plan.
Todd, hand out
the binders.
Now when I escaped I knew
that I was gonna have to
face the Leader once more.
- Escaped?
- The Leader?
That's right.
I was in a cult
for 20 years.
Be strong.
But I'm not ashamed.
And I'm not hiding anymore.
In fact, not only
am I fighting back,
but I am taking
those mind sucking,
alien loving parasites down
and I won't stop
until I retrieve
every penny
of my $5,994,000
that they still owe me.
They will be begging me
for mercy.
Across the universe
the name Jack Guy
will cause fear in the hearts
of every Octaurean.
So you want us to help you
take down the cult
to get your money back
to save this gym.
No, no, not at all.
I was just venting.
It's a really important
part of the healing process.
My thera...
Um, guys.
I think what Jack
is trying to say is this.
After my injury I started
to act as if life
had robbed me of something
that I deserved.
That life owed me.
And I quit
on myself.
But I'm ready to
get back in the game.
I'm tired of sitting
on the sideline.
I wanna play some ball
and what I wanna know
is who is ready to play
some ball with me?
So, you want us to join
a basketball league, then?
I think what Chris
and Jack are trying to say
is that if we
work together as a team
we can turn Dumbbells'
business around
and save everyone's job.
I thought we were clear.
So here's the plan.
With the money we got
from the cult,
we'll throw
a promotional party.
But not just any party.
I'm talking a full on
Hollywood event.
When times are tough,
families pull together.
And say goodbye to working
for minimum wage.
That's right.
From now on everyone has
a piece of the company.
We are a team,
and there's no "l"
in "Dumbbells".
# And I just can't
wait till the day #
# When you knock on my door
# Now every time
I go for the mailbox #
# Gotta hold myself down
# 'Cause I just can't wait
till you write me #
# You're coming around
# I'm walking on sunshine,
wooah #
# I'm walking on sunshine,
woooah #
For every problem,
we crate the solution.
Even the bitchiest ones.
# I used to think
maybe you love me #
# Now I know
that it's true #
Turns out Fabio's
not a dick after all.
Good evening.
I'm looking for Ivana.
I'm, I'm Ivana.
I didn't know you were
that beautiful
and so sexy.
Would you like to go for
an evening ride?
Let's go.
Once he heard that Jack
got screwed
out of all his money,
he stepped up to the plate,
big time.
Let me help with that.
Oh yeah if you could
just get that right there.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
Shouldn't be on that ladder
at the same time.
See that big game
last night?
# Walking on sunshine
# I feel the love,
I feel the love #
# I feel the love
that's really real #
# I feel the love,
I feel the love #
# I feel the love
Hey, buddy, you made it.
How you doing, my friend?
Great to see you.
Any bats in the cave?
You're clear.
Thanks, buddy.
You know, Chris.
I'm really glad you and I
teamed up.
It's like when Apollo Creed
and Rocky joined forces
to take on The Russian.
The Russian killed Apollo.
You better revert back
to your negativity, dipshit.
Holy "Valkyrie" on Blu-ray,
is that Tom Cruise?
Sometimes you just
gotta say
what the fuck.
Make your move.
Woo, woo!
No, that is not Tom Cruise.
That is Tom Cruise.
You complete me.
I was a bartender
in the Philippines
and I watched "Cocktail"
every day for inspiration.
That is Tom Cruise.
You were a bartender
in the Philippines?
Actually, it doesn't matter.
Perception is reality.
Hey, guys, a real live
Hollywood producer
just gave me his card.
Said I had a dynamic look,
wants to make me a star.
Congrats, buddy.
He reminds me of a young
Macaulay Culkin.
It's kinda crazy to think
that I wanted to quit
not even a month ago, huh?
Well, we all wanna quit
at one time or another.
Important thing is
to hang in there
because tomorrow always
brings another surprise.
Speaking of surprises,
I got this for ya.
What's this?
I was able to salvage
the footage
from the reality show.
I edited it together,
added effects,
cool transitions, graphics,
the whole nine.
Wow, how'd you learn
to do that?
I was an art major.
How's it going, guys?
This party is the tits,
am I right, yeah?
The tit-tays.
It's Slutsville out there.
Is that a real place?
'Cause if it's not
I would move there.
Hey, you guys were the guys
from the bank.
Oh, my God, the loan.
Look, please accept
my deepest apologies, okay?
I really am sorry,
I'm just going through
some shit right now.
My kid's masturbating at school,
can't stop him,
how do you stop him?
His dick's there
all the time.
All right, I'm not gonna
bother with my hands.
They're gonna get dirty
in a second anyway.
Did you know we already have
42 new members?
Are any of them
rich men?
Crystal, don't be a slut.
Well, things are looking
pretty good right now,
huh, Todd?
You guys did a really good job
with this place.
My dad couldn't do this.
He said I suck,
he sucks.
Chris, Jack told me you have
a sweat problem.
I think this can help.
Wow, never thought
I'd say this, but,
thank you, Fabio,
you're a sweetheart.
You're welcome.
Hey, by the way.
What do you use in your hair,
it's spectacular.
Oh, that's simple.
Pussy juice.
# I know you want me
just wanna show you all night #
# Baby, you're mine
All right.
Let's do this.
# Baby, you're mine
I am sorry to interrupt, Buzz,
but if I may cut in.
Well, I was just gonna
ask her to marry me,
but it wouldn't
have worked out.
Be happy.
How could you not
love that guy?
Let's see what you got.
Shall we?
Well, congratulations on
a very successful party.
You boys have come
a long way
and I am very proud.
Well, I have you to thank.
For what?
For everything.
Are you getting emotional on me?
I'm sorry, that's lame,
I know.
Are you kidding me?
What girl wouldn't love a man
who's in touch with his
And I wanted to thank you
for respecting my boundaries.
I love...
...respecting your boundaries.
And look who got it
all on camera
you adorable lovebirds.
Thank you, Jack.
Chris, they're playing
your DVD on the projector.
Everybody loves it,
you gotta come check it out.
Oh, I gotta see this.
Come on.
Let's go.
Sorry for C-blocking you.
# I still got it,
I still got it #
# Yeah, still got it
# Still got that pop lockin',
panty droppin' #
# Smooth moves
in my pocket #
# Still got that look that
gets 'em hooked #
# Like a locket
off like a rocket #
# Being down like Kenny Powers
# Now I'm up like
the Trump Towers #
# And I'm back in town
ain't backing down #
# Won't stop till
I get that crown #
# I still got it,
I still got it #
# I still got it
# Still got that fire
burning hot like never before #
# Still got my heart beating
loud like four on the floor #
# Bottles poppin', fist pumpin'
and I'm ready for more #
# That's right
# Still got it, still got it,
I still got it #
# Still got that tiger blood
pumpin' fast through my veins #
# Six foot sammies
triple whammies #
# I ain't feelin' no pain
# Batter's up swingin' hard
'cause I'm still in the game #
# I still got it, still got it,
still got it #
Hey, Jack.
nice to see ya.
Hey, Jack.
Fabio told us you were
having a party.
Yup, you guys having
some fun, huh?
Yeah, but unfortunately
we're in a big rush.
Our helicopter's picking us up
in five.
Oh, okay.
Is this roof flat?
Uh, yeah.
It doesn't matter.
Look, we're branching out
of Las Vegas,
we're producing
our own television,
and we were looking at
the footage over here
and thought that...
Premise rocks,
we love the name,
and that's some
fine ass bitches here.
It's like "Sunset Tan"
in a gym
and not only could it be
a reality show,
but maybe we can
franchise this.
Let's talk on Monday,
we'll discuss the numbers.
Okay, Jack.
Come on, bitches.
We don't wanna keep
Obama waiting.
No, you definitely do not.
Dumbbells, Dumbbells,
Dumbbells, Dumbbells...
So I guess the vision
doesn't always manifest
exactly as you see it.
But Jack Guy sure was right.
Dreams do come true.
Oh, everything's gonna
be fine?
Everything's gonna
be fine?
Do I look fine?
I am not fine.
I am very far from fine.
Take off that wig!
How's the date going?
It is not a date.
Looks like a date
from over here.
It is not a date.
Just tell her
how you feel.
What the fuck
is your problem?
So what's your sign?
You wanna go out after this,
get a penis colada?
I mean, pina colada.
You know what I meant.
Hey, guys,
how's it going, huh?
How about this party?
Oh, my God,
I swear to God,
50% of those chicks can fit
their full fist in their mouth.
Sucks that one couldn't
get it back out,
but she's gonna be okay.
And, mark.
It was a bad day
for me, okay?
My dad's in town right now
and, you know,
he was a drinker.
He was a drinker growing up
and projectile vomiting,
You know he actually
threw up once
while he was changing me,
right on my dick.
You remember that shit.
And do either of you
have a roofie?
The big blonde, seriously,
one or two?
I say two.
Bets, huh?
Sorry, I seriously can't.
Why, why, why, why,
why, why, why?
Tell me why, why, why,
why, why, why, why.
I'm up to 104 views.
That dramatic chipmunk
better watch out.
I'm gonna give it my nuts.
That little kid that said,
"Charlie bit my finger"
better watch out before I put
him in a fucking microwave.
That sneezing panda better
watch its multicolored back
before I fist fuck it
with my nine.
Again, thanks for stopping by,
you have my card?
I mean, I ripped the number off
so you can't call me.
That Starbucks?
You know,
there's cheaper coffee, 7-11.
I'm a banker, okay?
I'm dead inside.
Smoked some more
of that kush.
I got so ripped I watched five
seasons of "Lost" in one day.
Yeah, that's impossible,
That's, like, 80 hours.
In one day.
Look, I got a show to do.
No, my ass is on the line.
You're working for me!
You know, you've got the IQ
of a croissant!
You know, I don't need this.
Okay, go back to kissing me.
People love that
you know.
It's like, nobody fuck
with the Fabio, okay?
Have a good day.
You still owe me
"Sleepless In Seattle".
I'm not done with it, Chris!
You're whatever!
You are!
He's not a dimwit.
You have to have a wit
to be dim.
He's the dimmest
of the dimwits.
Mr. Dimwit.
Captain Dimwit.
General Dimwit.
King Dimwit.
Emperor Dimwit.
Listen, Dances With Queers,
I'm never fucking done.
I got 20 more laps
and an hour worth of legs
and I'm gonna fuck this line up
Okay, le-,
let's cut the crap!
See this coat I'm wearing?
I don't need it anymore,
you know why?
Because I'm cooked
and failing
I had two slices of bad pizza
and I'm already throwing
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
I don't put that shit
in my body.
I'm downing some COC.
Cellular Oxygen Creatine.
A liquid formula
that quadruples
my amino acid recovery
by fucking up the lines
and having to do it
over ago.
I'm downing some COC.
Creatine Oxygen fucking
shit backwards asshole.
Cellular Oxygen Creatine,
a liquid formula that triples
my amino acid circulation
while quadrupling...
Goat got your tongue?
The "baa" is my favorite part.
This was fun.
Wasn't this fun?
We should do this again.
# I'm gone, I'm gone,
I'm gone, I'm gone #
# I'm gone, I'm gone
# Gonna light it up
# Tore it up
# That's enough
# I'm gone, I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone #