Dummy (2002) Movie Script

Uh, my name is Charlie McCarthy. What's yours?
[ Woman ]
Vicky. Oh, that's cute.
[ Man ] Charlie. Uh-- Oh. Vicky, Mr. Bergen. Bergen, Vicky.
[ Bergen ]
How do you do? [ Vicky ] How do you do?
You know, ventriloquism
has always fascinated me.
It has? Well, I'll be glad
to explain it for you.Mmm.
Well, I'd love to know,
but really, I must--
[ Bergen ] Oh, please stay. It'll just take a minute.
[ Vicky Sighs ] Oh, yes. Well, um--
Ventriloquism, it starts here... Uh-huh.
and goes up here--And it comes out here.
- It comes out there, yes.
- Tell me, how do you talk
without moving your lips?
Uh, it's, uh--
May I have your hand?
Now, you can feel the muscles contract in my vocal chords.
Vocal chords?Oh, yes.
Yeah.Like this.
You're lovely.
Did that come out of me?
[ Bergen ] I'm a little confused. Yes.
Uh, can you throw
your voice just anywhere?
[ Bergen ] Oh, certainly. Yes.
Uh, won't you sit down?
[ Engine Starting ]
[ Light Rock ]
You don't get those years back
The time you wasted sleeping late
Was it wise to throw out your directions
Before you knew your way
You don't get your seat back
You got up and lost your place
You should learn about leaving in the middle
Now you're lost in space
[ Vocalizing ]
Finally moving out, huh?
[ Scoffs ]
I wish.
Shut up.
You don't get
your dreams back
Once you've let them get away
Late night plans are always disappearing
In the light of day
You don't get those years back
You don't get those years back
You don't get those years back
You don't get those years
You don't get those years
Can't-Can't you speak?
Should I put you back
in your case?
Okay, I'm gonna put you
back in your box.
So you can speak.
Why aren't you speaking?
You're the worst ventriloquist
I've ever seen.
It's my first time
working with a dummy.
Who are you calling
a dummy?Oh. Sorry.
Let me ask you something.
Come here.
Come here.
Are you a retard?
No. I mean--
Well, some people
might think that.
You can count me in.That's not very nice.
Boo-hoo. [ Knock At Door ]
I made blintzes.
[ Gasps ]
What is that? Oh.
Very strange, Steven.
Do you want a cheese blintz?
Come here. Look at this.Mom.
Oh, great.
Just what we need--
another mouth to feed.
[ Woman ] Whoa. What is happening? What is-- Can I--
Okay, Steven.
You're such a loser.
And in the book,
it says we should get
to know each other a bit.
I think we should
have a very,
you know,
open relationship.
Shut up.Okay.
[ Sighs ]
[ Mother Yelling ] Steven, I'm making pancakes!
Oh, not at the table,
Lou.Why not?
Good morning.Oh. I was hoping
you were Steven.
How do you feel, honey?
I'm nauseated,
and my neck is killing me.
You're probably
just depressed, dear.
Mom, can I have the car today? Steven!
[ Lou ]
You think we could
not yell today, please?
I'm starting the S.S. Paulina.
The Krauts tried
to sink her three times.
Couldn't do it.That's great, Dad.
Mom, please.Eat your pancakes.
They're gonna be cold.
Those aren't even pancakes.
They're blintzes.
-What do you think pancakes are?
-Your mother manages to make
everything look like a blintz.
Good morning!Can I have the car today?
We'll see.I'm quitting my job.
It's really important.
You know, the Freed wedding.
Okay, honey, we'll see. What do you mean, "we'll see"?
Can I have the car or not?Fern, it's
a "yes" or "no" question.
Thank you.I'm quitting my job.
- I have errands to run.
- Well, I only need it
for an hour and a half.
- I'll have it back by 3:00. - Okay, dear.
- Is that okay, yes, I can have
the car, or I can't have it?
- Oh, my God.
Your fianc spent
the night in jail.
- What?
- Right here in the, uh--
in the police report.
Drunk and disorderly.
That's my boy.
Let me see that.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, serves him right.
I hope you rot there.
Fucking loser. [ Fern Gasps ]
That loser was almost
your husband.
Why can't you get it
into your head
he's a psychopath?
I'm sure he is, but he is also a very successful accountant.
Have a good day
at work, honey.
- [ Knocking ]
- Come in.
[ Doorbell Rings ] Who's out there?
Hi, Mrs. Gurkel.
It's me, Steven.
What do you want?
Is Fangora home?
- Who?
- Fanny.
Where are you going?
[ Fangora ] I'm goin' out. You just went out!
Ma, that's what people do.
They come home, they go out.
It's crazy, I know.
You gotta come back
and get my prescription!Yeah, yeah.
You gotta get
my prescription and--I'll get your prescription!
Oh! You are stupid!
You are so stupid!
Every time I leave the house.
Man, this is bullshit!
Now do you see why
I'm so fucked up?I can see it, sure.
Oh, hey,
I got you somethin'.Oh.
Oh, no.
You shouldn't have.You're here. Open it.
Open it.All right.
Do you like it?Oh.
Yeah, I love it.Oh, great.
I lifted it
from Borders.
You shouldn't have
done that.Steven, you're worth it.
Oh, hey, what are you
doin' on the Fourth?I don't know.
'Cause I just ordered some
kick-ass fireworks.
Like, even the Chinks
are scared of this shit.
You got balls, Steven.
Most people stay
in their nowhere jobs
till they die.
But you,
you fuckin' know what you want
and you're goin' after it.
That takes a big set
of iron balls.
We're gonna kick ass, man.
I can feel it.
You know, both of us.
You're gonna be a famous
dummy guy, and I'm gonna
kick ass with my band.
Ventriloquist.Dude, this is
gonna be our year.
I can feel it.
You can fuck me if I'm wrong.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm glad things are going
good with the band, though.
[ Scoffs ]
The band sucks, man.
But we're gonna get a gig
if I gotta kill someone.
I'm tellin' you, Steven,
both of us
are finally gonna kick...
some goddamn ass!Yeah.
[ Rock ]
[ Fangora Singing, Indistinct ]
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait![ Stops ]
Dude, Ottoman,
can you do like a--
you know, like a--
[ Imitating Guitar ]
You know,
like in the chorus. Like--
Yo, slab, whoo, whoo
[ Heidi ] The way I like to work, I do a lot of visualization.
So I'd like to start off-- Maybe you could close your eyes.
Just relax.
Just breathe in and out.
Now, I want you to imagine
the day of your wedding,
and there are all your loved ones there...
and your new husband
is there,
and you can hear the music.
Tell me what kind
of music you hear.
It's that stuff they play
on Fiddler on the Roof.
Klezmer music? Yes!
Yes, that's it. I love that.Okay. Uh, great.
Klezmer music.
Wonderful. Wonderful.
An unusual choice,
but yet a good one.
Okay, let's keep going.
[ Man ] This guy went to jerk school. I didn't do nothin' wrong.
It wasn't my fault. I never called in sick. Forget about takin' my vacation.
I worked overtime like crazy. All I did was work for this guy.
I was
the hardest working guy there.
That's all I did.
Yes, and the name
of this last employer?
- Big Al's Italian Beef.
- And the reason your job
was terminated?
Oh, um, that would be
for "fraterzhing."
And your last place
of employment?
The Brick House Theater.
A production of Hedda Gabler.
It was brilliant.
Oh, uh, that's when you
rub up against a stranger...
or a coworker
in a sexual way.
Was that this year
or last year?
That was 1972.
I worked for
Donnely Electronics.
Were you fired
or laid off?
And what's the difference?
Well, it has to do
with whether or not...
your former employer
can contest the claim.
A layoff just means
that you were terminated
through no fault of your own.
If you were in my shoes,
wouldn't you fire yourself?
Well, I guess I was fired.
Technically, I was fired.
Okay. And, um,
is electronics your field?I don't think so.
I mean, I don't think Donnely really has anything to do with electronics.
I mean, I don't really know
what they do.
I know they sell stuff, but--
Okay. So you would
describe yourself
as in sales?
And are you hoping to find work
in a similar field?
Uh, no.
Okay. Oh.
Do you have any
vocational training...
that could assist
our job search?
Any technical training?Uh--
What kind of work
are you looking for?Um--
Uh, ventriloquism.Excuse me?
[ Clears Throat ]
V-E-N-- Oh, no, no.
It's okay.
I know how to spell it.
Oh. Sorry.
Well, for now,
just be sure that you register
your unemployment claim every
two weeks on your assigned day.
I'm gonna put your name...
on a list of entertainers,
and maybe we can help
find you some work.
Do you have any questions?Okay.
Well, if you have any questions,
you can just give me a call
at this number.
My name is Lorena.
Uh-huh. You're all set.
What? Oh.
[ Man, Woman Moaning ]
[ Moaning Continues ]
Lou, you want
a tuna sandwich?
Do I have a choice?
[ Fern Yelling ] Steven, you want a tuna fish sandwich?
[ Softly ]
Can you hold on
one second, please?
[ Yelling ]
I'm on the phone! [ Knock On Door ]
You hungry?I'm on the phone.
[ Whispering ]
Do you want a sandwich?
Okay. Fine.
Why are you paying
attention to me right now?
It's the movement of my head,
my eyes and my body.
Now, watch as
I transit focus to Eugene.
As you can see,
Alan is now transiting focus...
by transferring
the kinetic energy of
his eyes and his body into me.
Isn't that correct, Alan?That's right, Eugene.
And, now, thanks to
Eugene's line of vision--
[ Sighs ] Could we try coming to class on time, folks?
Yeah, the class
starts at 8:00.Right.
[ Sighs ]
Well, let's do a few minutes
of transiting focus now.
[ Voices Overlapping ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, geez. Michael.[ Panting ]
What are you doing? I need to talk to you.
What is it? It's about Heidi.
Well, maybe--
maybe you should talk to her.
You know
she won't talk to me.
Is she seeing anyone?
Okay, w-- Don't answer that.
Let me ask you this.
Does she at all
talk about me?
Um-- I mean, yeah,
every once in a while.
Really? Listen, Steve,
I want you
to know something.
I have changed
so much.
I mean, I'm like
a different person.
My drinking is completely
under control.
I've been seeing a shrink
about my temper.
I mean,
if she could only see
what I've become.
I'm also in a play.
it's community theater,
but it's a fantastic opportunity
for me to express myself.
Michael, I really have to go.Oh, no. Steve-- Steve--
I need you.
You're the only one I feel
like I can trust.
Will you just tell her
you ran into me,
a random encounter,
and that I looked great?
Just tell her you saw me, and--
"Michael looks great.
He seems happy.
It's as if
he's completely changed,
just turned himself around."
Will you do that for me?
You have no idea
how much this means to me.
I don't know. I--Oh, Steve.
I beg of you.
I beseech you. Please,
just say that to her.
Just tell her you saw me,
a chance encounter,
and that I'm doin' great.
I mean, I'll talk to her
in the morning, all right?
You won't regret this.
Okay. Good night.All right. Good night.
Hey. Here.
This is a flyer
for the play.
I'll try to get you comps,
but I can't promise.
[ Heidi Singing, Indistinct ] [ Shower Water Running ]
[ Heidi ] And on that day that belongs to me
I'll have the man that belongs to me
To share the door and the floor
And the bed and the chair
And my own
[ Whispering ]
Want French toast?No.
You sure?I'll have some.
Hello?Well, I don't wanna make it
if no one's gonna eat it.
I'll eat it.You don't need it, Heidi.
What does that mean?Nothing. Nothing.
I just know what happens
when you're depressed.
Mother, I'm not depressed.
Are you telling me
that I'm fat?No, no, not at all.
I'm just trying to
keep you from getting fat.
I know when I'm depressed--
Mother, stop telling me
that I'm depressed.
Besides, I don't want
your French toast.
I don't needyour French toast.
I've got a wedding to plan.
I sure wish this was
your wedding you were planning.
Do you know
our high school reunion's
coming up?
Ten years.
Do you know how depressing
that is? Do you think
I don't wanna fuckin'...
slash my wrists
when I think about that?
Goddamn it!
It's, like,
you finish high school,
and then what?
I'm supposed to be
in New York City
sellin' out C.B.G.B.s.
What the fuck
are we still doing here?
I just wanna
make somethin' happen
with my music, you know.
You will.
Oh. That's
my employment counselor.
Huh?My employment counselor.
- Who, her?
- Don't-- Please, don't point.
I wouldn't point.
Hey, you got the hots
for her?No!
I don't know.
- Dude, she's got a kid.
- Maybe she's babysitting.
Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry.
There's no smoking here.
So how did you lose
your last job?
Oh, man.
I haven't had a job
in, like, 15 years.
So you've been unemployed
all this time?
Dude, that's exactly my point.
That's why I'm here.
Okay. Um, Miss Gurkel,
to get-- Fangora.
to get unemployment,
you have to have had a job
in the last 18 months.
What? Yeah. And the benefits...
are for people who have worked at least six months.
So I'm afraid
that you're not eligible.
Wait a second.
I'm unemployed.
Oh, yes, I know. All right, let me get this straight.
To collect unemployment,
I gotta get a job,
I gotta work for six months,
then I gotta get fired.
- Then I can get my money?
- Well, uh, I guess
if you put it that way, yes.
Man, that's bullshit. Maybe
I should just get married and
find a guy with a lot of money.
[ Laughs ]
Well, that's one option. You know what I mean.
- I mean, you're married, right?
- Me? No.
No, I'm not married.
Are you sure? Yeah.
'Cause you seem like
you might be married.
You seem like the family type.
- So, what,
are you just engaged?
- No.
Got a boyfriend? Nope.
Dating anyone?
Just sleeping around.
- No.
- Divorced?
No, I've never--
never been married.
- Bushwhacker.
- Excuse me?
She's a dyke.
I can't believe
you went there.
Hey, I didn't just
do it for you.
I wanted in on some of
that unemployment cash.
I'm broke.
Yeah, but...
you didn't mention
my name, did you?Hell no!
Look, don't worry, all right?
She didn't suspect anything.
Hey, what about
the little girl?
Look, in the worst case scenario
it's her kid. At least
you know she puts out.
[ Clattering ] Listen, you gotta get
one of these.
What is it?I love these things.
What?It's a fucking swing.
I grew up in one of these
things. My mom used to leave me
sittin' in here for days.
I don't need that, really.Oh, shit!
[ Steven ] How do you like your new clothes?
[ Dummy ] I feel like an altar boy.
Oh, I think
you look really nice.
You know, we have
a lot of work to do.
You mean you
have a lot of work to do.
There's nothin' wrong with me.
You're the one who sucks.
Well, maybe you can help me.I'm not sure
there is any help for you.
Look, I've wanted to be
a ventriloquist
my whole life.
Now, you're gonna help me
and not be so critical.
Is that a threat?
Who's the mothball?Shh!
It's my grandma. Is, or was?
my favorite person.
[ Dummy ] Yeah, 'cause she's the sanest one in this funny farm.
[ Steven ] I guess I didn't really have...
that many friends in high school.
I-I didn't really have any.
What about Fangora?
Yeah, I guess
we were friends.
[ Mutters ]
She didn't have
many friends either.Go figure.
Kind of stayed close
even when I went off
to college.
You went to college?Yeah.
I went to community college
for two years.
A regular Einstein.
I stopped going 'cause
I didn't really like it.
You failed
out of community college?
You are a moron.
Well, I-I didn't fail.
I just...
needed to work
at my own speed.
So you're slow.
No.But the thing
I don't understand is...
you always knew you wanted
to be a ventriloquist,
why did you wait
so long to do it?
Oh, I just think
people need to go
at their own pace.
And there are other things
that I had to do.
Well, I got news
for you, buddy.
You're almost
30 years old.
You quit your job
to buy a doll.
You failed
out of community college.
And you live at home
with your parents.
You are a loser.
[ Humming ]
- Hey!
- [ Chuckles ]
- Hey.
- You look like you need a ride.
How's it goin'?
Hey, I'm actually goin'
to your place.
Oh. Great. How's it goin'?
I have a huge wedding
coming up.
I thought
you broke it off.
Not mine. I--
I'm planning one
for someone else.
That's nice of you.
It's not a charity.
It's a business.
So what about the singing?
What are you doing
with your singing?
- Yeah? What about it?
- Well, I mean,
you got a great voice.
Are you doin' anything
with it?
What am I supposed to do?
You can't spend your whole life
singing, you know.
It's not very realistic.
Man, that's bullshit.
What do you think
I'm doing?
[ Scoffs ]
You're just like Steven.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, he's always
selling himself short too.
Well, what do you think
I should call you?
Listen, don't call me.
I'll call you.
I'll have to
call you something.
How about Bob?
[ Mispronouncing ]
"Dob." "Dod."
So, like, what do you do?I do everything.
I'm the wedding planner.
I plan things.
You know, like,
I do all the hiring.
I hire the caterer,
the flowerist,
the, uh--
I hire the band.
What kind of band? Yeah.
Well, I'm trying to find
a klezmer band.
[ Clearing Throat ]
Oh, she'll be
coming round the mountain
When she comes
What are you saying?
You have a klezmer band?
Oh, hell yeah.
I mean, we play
other stuff too,
but we specialize
in the klezmer shit.
You're kidding. That's amazing.
Wow. I didn't even know
you were Jewish.
You know, this could be very beneficial to the both of us.
Because every klezmer band
in town is booked,
and I desperately need a band.
But if I hire you,
you have to be willing to hora.
Is that a problem?
Oh, man, at this point
I'd fuck anyone.
She'll be coming
round the mountain
She'll be coming
round the mountain
She'll be coming
round the mountain
When she comes [ Fern Yelling ] Heidi, where are my keys?
Yeah! Yeah!
Try it again?Steven.
Hi.How's it goin'?
Um, I don't know.
Could be better.
I think I need to take
another class or something.
[ Phone Ringing ]I got the fireworks.
Listen, can you do me a favor?
My mom will kill me
if she finds them.
They're really fuckin'
Think I can keep them here?
Sure. [ Heidi ] Hey, Steven, telephone.
It's a girl.
- Hello?
- Hi, Steven?
This is Lorena from
the unemployment office.
Remember me?
- Hello?
- Uh--
Yeah.Hey, how's your
ventriloquist act coming?
Um-- Uh, good.Great.
Listen, I'm just calling
to tell you that
we've got a response...
from a theatrical agent who's
interested in meeting with you.Oh.
[ Fangora ]
Steven, you drive
like my fuckin' grandma.
No, do you know what?
That's actually an insult,
because my grandma
drives better than you do.
Steven!All right!
All right, now,
you've gotta ask her out.
- No.
- Steven, she's
calling you at home.
She's my employment counselor.
I mean,
isn't that
a conflict of interest?
Okay, you always do this.
You chicken out.
You know, you got balls, Steven.
You gotta use 'em.
And, dude,
get some new glasses.
I'm telling you somethin'.
You're gonna ask
this bitch out.
I'll think of somethin'.
Just trust me.
What the fuck
is klezmer music?
[ Piano ]
[ Man ] Now, don't-- don't keep asking me.
No, I'm just not gonna be home tonight.
I'll get a sandwich.
I don't know
what kind of sandwich.
I'll eat it in the car.
I'll eat
the goddamn sandwich
in the car.
No-- No, I--
Yeah, well--
Look, I just can't tell you
what I'm doing.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't keep asking me.
[ Continues ]
Where am I?You're at an agent's office.
I want you to
behave yourself, okay?Okay.
What kind of agent?He's a talent agent.
Oh. What are you
doin' here?
That's funny.I wasn't joking.
What's eating you,
Hey, let's show 'em
how smart you are,
shall we?
Um, what shape
are my cuff links?
You idiot.
You're supposed to say,
"What shape is the world?"
I'm sorry.You're ruining my act.
What shape is the world?
Oh, God.[ Clears Throat ]
[ Klezmer ]
[ Continues ]
[ Whispering ]
Get down. Get down!
How do you know
where she lives?
I lifted her license
from her purse.You what?
Look, I put it back.
Don't worry.
Yeah, but that's--
Steven, listen to me.
No offense, but you
don't know shit about women.
I'm sorry, but you don't.
If you wanna get this girl,
you gotta trust me.
You don't win a girl
by sittin' on your ass.
All right? Take action.
[ Steven ] Yeah, but isn't this stalking? Steven!
Come on!
Ow!Shut up!
Now, do exactly as I do.
[ Grunts ]Steven!
Ouch! My glasses!Goddamn, you piece of shit!
Get up!
Can't I just
leave the flowers?
Come on.
We're not doing this
Yeah, but isn't it
It's water soluble.
It washes right off.
Jesus Christ, man,
just hurry!
Can I use the car today?Oh, Heidi.
I have electrolysis
at 10:00. Fern, where is my glue?
Huh?Can I drop you off
and then pick you up?
Where the hell is my glue?Well, where did
you leave it, dear?
I'm asking you, dear.Well, I don't know,
It's a brand-new tube!
You look like
a child molester.
Steven, can I borrow your car?
Mom is being a total bitch.
[ Sighs ]
Really? Thanks.
Wait a minute.
Glass Menagerie
starring Michael Foulicker?
What is this? What is--
Is this a joke?
Your stalker
gave it to him.
Quit kidding around, Steven.
What is he talking about?
Yeah, I-I ran into Michael
the other night.
Chance encounter.
I think he misses you.Uh-huh.
Yeah, he misses
your loving arms.
You shut up!
I'm talking to my brother!
Now, what happened?
Oh, and he looked great.
What? Yeah, he wants me to tell you he looks great...
and that he's really
got his shit together.
And what else?
Um, and that he's seeing a shrink.
Michael is seeing a shrink?
And doing community theater.
I-- Uh--
Well, where'd you see him?
In the driveway.
He came here?
I guess.
I don't believe this!
So, what,
he's stalking me now?
No, I don't think so.He's stalking me!
I should call the police.
That's what I should do.
- No, I don't think it's--
- You didn't tell him anything
about me, did you?
No, wait a minute.
You should.
You should. You should--
You should tell him
that I'm seeing somebody.
You should tell him that
I'm seeing somebody else.
A lawyer. Yeah.
That's it.
You tell him--
You tell him that
I'm dating an attorney,
because that'll kill him 'cause he's only an accountant.
[ Laughing ]
You tell him--
You tell him how happy I am
with my attorney.
[ Knock On Door ]
What the--Steven, the police
are here to see you.
Yeah? We got a complaint
from a Lorena Pancheti.
Did you visit
her house last night...
between the hours of
11:00 p.m. and 3:00 a.m.?
- Yeah.
- You wanna tell us
what you were doin' there?
Why? Listen, pal.
She did not appreciate
the romantic gestures.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Go, go.
- Was-Was she upset?
- Upset?
She's upset enough
to call the police!
What the hell did you do?
Oh, I knew
it was a bad idea.
You know, I can call her
right now and apologize--
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
I'd have to arrest you.
Wh-What is this?
It's a temporary
restraining order.
What?Look, Steve, you seem
like a nice kid.
Now, I'm sure you're not a psycho, but evidently she thinks you are.
So for your own sake,
just stay away from her.
You sniffin'
my airplane glue too?
[ Fangora ] How was I supposed to know she's some prissy suburban bitch?
[ Woman ] Do you mind keeping the cursing down? We got kids in here.
Yeah. Sorry. [ Steven ] It was a bad idea, Fanny.
I put my ass on the line
for you, man.
I tried to help you.
You always do this.
You ruin everything.
Fuck me.
No, fuck you!Uh-oh, Fanny.
The name's Fangora,
and fuck you!
I don't give a shit,
all right?
Yeah, you heard me,
you stupid fuckin' suburbanites! See where I am
[ Shouting, Indistinct ] Right next to you
It's all I can do to refrain from screaming
Shit! Weeks ago
Stupid fuckin' suburbanites. Or yesterday
When did I stop caring what you were dreaming
This used to be my favorite place
Now I'm wishin' I was on a plane
You used to have my favorite face
Now I'm thinkin' I could use a change
On again
And off again
Often I'm honestly just here waiting
[ Grunting ] [ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Steven ] Fangora really got me in a mess.
Who told you
to listen to her?
Well, she can be
very pushy, you know.
Steven, there's no one
to blame but yourself.
You're an idiot.
I mean, how stupid could you be?
[ Sighs ]
Well, now I've blown it
with this girl.
Oh, boo-hoo.
You gonna let
a little restraining order
stop you?
Well, what am I
supposed to do?
[ Whispering ]
And I don't know if it's normal
And I don't believe it's right
But I know it didn't happen
It's 2:00 a.m.
And I'm next to you
We're gonna fix this mess,
all right?
[ Steven Clears Throat ] Personally, I-I just--
I wanted to send you a thank-you note.
But, you know, my friend,
she-she insisted that I...
do something
more dramatic and--[ Fangora ] Oh, shit. Sorry.
And the truth is that
I don't have
this much experience...
with this kind of thing,
and I, you know--
Because she's a girl
and everything, I thought,
you know, she would know.
[ Dummy ] What he's trying to say is that...
his heart was in the right place, it's just his execution that was off.
I only wish
his execution was back on.
[ Steven ] Please, I'm trying to apologize for my stupidity, okay?
Oh. Sit back, folks. This might take a while.
[ Steven ] So, really, I just wanted to apologize for--
I mean, I wanted to thank you, first of all,
for getting me an agent,
because I have my first job tomorrow, and-- and that's really nice of you.
So thank you for that. And-- And--
You know, I didn't mean
to do anything...
that would result
in a restraining order.
I'm sorry
if I scared you.
I wish I didn't do it, actually, because I-I was really hoping...
that maybe we could get together for coffee or something,
because I thought you were really nice.
Um, you know,
I don't meet that many people
who are nice to me.
I'm... sorry.
Was that okay?
[ Woman Singing In Yiddish ]
[ Mrs. Gurkel ]
[ Yiddish ]
It's time!
[ Yiddish ]
[ Continues ]
[ Moans ]
You a good girl, Fanny?
Yeah, Ma,
I'm a good girl.
Oh, yeah.
That feels real good.
Gotta stay pure, Fanny.
Stay pure
till you're married.
I will, Ma.
Don't worry.
[ Singing In Yiddish ]
Do something
about the glasses.
Hi. Hi.
No. Sit down.Oh. Sit down.
Thank you.
Wow. Look who's here.How are ya, toots?
Her name's Lorena.Ooh, Lorena.
What's your name?I don't have one.
- How can you not have a name?
- 'Cause this dummy
forgot to give me one.
You did?That's not true.
He just didn't like
the ones I suggested.
Woody. Woody.
He wanted to call me Woody.
Woody's what you call a--Stop that, okay?
Be polite.
So, y-you always meet
your stalkers for coffee?
[ Laughing ]
That's very funny.
Very funny.
Welcome to Le Bagel.
May I take your order?
Um, I'll have a--
a cappuccino.Mmm.
And you?I'll just have
a cup of coffee.
- I'll take an espresso.
- No, you're too young
for coffee.
Oh, come on.
I want a coffee.
Shh!What, do you got
a slow leak?
One coffee, okay? Two!
One! Two! Two!
One coffee, okay?
I'm sorry for
reporting you to the police.
Oh, it's okay.
I-I understand.
It's just that...
my last relationship
left me a bit shell-shocked,
and he turned out
to be a creep.
A real stalker.
So you can understand...
when I saw your little
thank-you note...
I got a little bit
freaked out. I'm sorry.
I mean,
I should've known better,
but I don't--
I don't know much
when it comes to girls.
He ain't lyin'.
I don't believe it.
You seem so confident
on the video.
That was all me, toots.
I think it's great that
you live with your folks.
You don't think
it's suspicious?
What do you mean?
You know, a guy my age
living at home?
No. People used
to live at home with
their parents all the time...
until they were married.
How come
you're not married?
Oh. Was that
a stupid question?
[ Sighs ]
I was engaged.
Uh, and we were planning
a wedding when--
when I got pregnant.
And, um--
You know, we were so young.
We didn't know what to do.
We kind of took it
as a sign...
and decided to go
to city hall that week.
It was a Friday,
and, um,
we were standing outside
the judge's chambers,
waiting to go in,
when we realized that
we didn't have, um,
any rings.
So he went
across the street...
to the drugstore
to get those little rings
with the candies on them.
And, uh,
a half hour had passed, and--
So I went down to see
what was keeping him, and...
I saw the police cars
and the ambulance.
I knew--
He had bought the rings,
and he was coming back
across the street.
I'm sorry.
No, it's-it's okay.
It's okay.
I-I always look both ways
when I cross the street.
Well, I guess
this is good night.
Would you like to
come over to my house
for dinner on Friday?
Are you asking me out
on a date?
Well, if dinner with
my parents is a date--
You're not gonna wear
that cologne, are you?
Well, it's--
it's eau de toilette.Oh.
It smells like something
from the toilet.
You really need
to be more supportive.
I'm very nervous tonight.Watch my hair.
Steven, are you trying
to scare her away?
[ Dummy ] Uh-oh. Relationship advice from the girl left at the altar.
[ Heidi ] Oh, screw you!Hey, hey!
Heidi! Well, first of all,
I was not left
at the altar.[ Doorbell Rings ]
God, I can't stand this place. [ Fern ] That must be your lady friend.
[ Lou ]
Well, move out.
Can I help you?
I'm-I'm Lorena.
This-This is Bonnie.
I'm sorry.
We're in the middle of dinner.
And we're Jewish.
Uh, I'm-I'm Steven's friend.
Oh! Oh!
I thought you were
Jehovah's Witnesses.
Come in.
Come in, please.
Come in.
Uh-- Hey,
you didn't tell me
it was a double date.
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
My babysitter canceled on me
at the last minute.
That's why I'm late.
I'm so sorry.Oh, no, no, no.
That's perfectly fine.
Here. Why don't you
come and sit down?
Thank you.And I'll get
another place setting.
You sit here, sweetie.
That's a good girl.
Put your purse right here.
Steven, why don't you
introduce your friend?Oh.
Um, this is Lorena.
Hi. This is, uh--
this is Bonnie.
Hi, Bonnie, Lorena.
I'm, uh, Steven's father, Lou.
How are ya?
Hi.Yeah, I'm sure
you remember me.
Yes. How can I forget?
Hi, I'm Heidi.Nice to meet you. Hi.
I'm, uh-- I'm Lorena.
[ Fern ] Oh, Grandma doesn't say much, but she knows.
She knows
what's going on.
Bon-Bon, say hello.Hi.
[ Fern ] She's adorable.
Would you like
a glass of wine, Lenora?Uh, Lorena.
I'd love one.How about you, Bonnie?
A nice glass of milk?
You know you can't
eat solids.
Besides, I have a delicious
glass of brisket for you.
Uh, Fern? You sure that stuff's still good?
Why wouldn't it be?
It's been in the fridge.
That was from
my retirement dinner.So?
That was a year ago.[ Sighs ]
Wine keeps, dear. Here you go, Leena.
- I thought her name was Lenora.
- It's Lorena.
It's okay. It's okay.
Anyway, cheers.
Oh, yeah.
- Mmm!
- You see?
Good, isn't it?
So, Bonnie, um,
I'm glad to have someone
my size to talk to.
Your lips are moving.
So, why don't you tell us
how you two met.
Well, um, I-I work
at the unemployment office.
Oh. How ironic.Hey, maybe you can
get him a job, huh?
And Bonnie
is your little sister?
Uh, no.
Bonnie is my daughter.
- You're married?
- No.
[ Exhales ]
Do you like
brisket, Lorena? Yes.
Steven, do you mind?
That thing is really
giving me the creeps.
I think it's time
to put the dummy away,
all right?
He can do what he wants.
He's a grown man.He's a grown man?
- He's sittin' there with
a doll in this lap.
- Lou, you play with toy ships.
They're not toys!
They're, uh, scale models
of famous battleships.
Little hobby I picked up when I retired. It's very interesting.
So you should be
more sympathetic.
So, uh, Lea,
what are you, divorced?
Okay, let's change the subject,
shall we?
- No, I'm not.
- Heidi was engaged.
[ Sighs ]
Mom!Well, sweetheart, you were.
- They were going
to do it this spring.
- Oh. What happened?
Nothing. He just turned out
to be a lunatic.
So, Lorena,
are you Jewish?
Mother. What?
It's just a question.No, I'm not.
I'm Italian.
Ah! Well,
same thing.
Bonnie is your daughter?
- Yep.
- What's your name?
You know, I've been
askin' the same question.
I don't have one.
So what do they do?
They just call you "dummy"?
Please, please!
That's derogatory.
We prefer to be called
"people of wood."
[ Laughing ]
That's cute.
Isn't that cute, Heidi?
Yeah, and it's
not at all scary.
Heidi has been
a little depressed lately.
I'm not depressed.
I'm fine. [ Lou ] Hey, hey.
- Come on. No yelling here.
- Well, why are you always
saying that I'm depressed?
Do you know how infuriating
that is?
I'm sorry, Lorena.
She hasn't been the same since
she broke off the engagement.
Why are you apologizing to her?
She's an unwed mother.
Well, better an unwed mother than just plain unwed.
Really nice meeting you.
[ Ferns Chuckles ] Some more brisket?
Sorry about dinner.[ Chuckles ]
That's okay.
Thanks for carrying her.
Is she heavy?
[ Clears Throat ]
Um-- Um--
What?Do you have any plans
for the Fourth?
I mean, I was thinking
maybe we could see
the fireworks.
I mean--Okay.
I thought that, you know--
I mean, if it's--
You don't have to.
But if it's not a big deal,
like, maybe
it might be nice--
I said okay.
I'd love to.
Oh, really?
Wow. Okay.
[ Klezmer Rock ]
[ Singing In Yiddish ]
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on!
Fuck, man, this is bullshit! [ Stops ]
Donnie, what time
are you playin' in?
This is a fuckin' freylekhs.
Do you know what that mean?
And, Elmo, chill out, all right?
You're gonna fuck up
my whole doina.
All right.
Let's try it one more time.
Eyns, tsvey, dray!
[ Resumes ]
I bought
a gift for you.Oh, no.
I lifted it from Borders.
But it's perfect for your date.
It's classical music.Oh, thanks.
Oh.Yeah, when you get
Lorena alone, put this on.
Classical music
makes women horny.
Just trust me on this one.Oh. Thanks.
"The Best Of
John Philip Sousa."Oh, yeah.
Great.Chicks dig it.
Isn't he the guy
that does all the marches
and stuff?
No. It's, uh--
I found it in
the classical music section.
It's fuckin' classical.
Oh. All right.
I'm so psyched for tonight.
These things are gonna rock.
Oh. You know,
I don't know if
I can make it tonight,
I'm sorry. I kind of--
I made-- kind of
made plans with Lorena...
to see the fireworks.
I hope you understand.
So what am I supposed
to do with these?
Well, you can come with us.
Don't blow your fuckin'
hands off, all right?
All right?
[ Fireworks Exploding ]
[ Gasps ]Whoa!
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ March ]
Would you mind
taking me home?
[ Steven's Voice ] Sure everything's all right? Yeah. Everything's fine.
'Cause for some reason
I don't believe you.
Look, Steven,
my life is very complicated
right now.
Yeah, well, mine is too.
I have a daughter, Steven.
You have a dummy.
You're so nice,
and I'm so glad that...
we got to know
each other, but...
I'm just not ready
for anything right now.
I-It's not you.
I-It's me.
[ Sighs ]
you look lovely.
Good night.
[ Sighs ]
I thought you were
the babysitter.
How did it go?
He would be a great brother.
Who? Steven?No, the dummy.
[ March ]
[ Stops ]
You're an idiot.I know.
[ Clears Throat ]
Tough crowd.
Uh, let me handle this.
Hey, uh, by a show of hands,
how many of you folks
like, uh, prune juice?
That got a rise out of 'em.Let's show everybody
how smart you are.
What shape is the world?Square.
The world.Square.
What shape
are my cuff links?Square.
No. The cuff links
I wear to church.Oh.
Just tell me one thing
In which you believe
I'll tell you a dozen
Where you've been deceived
Oh, my God. Show me a lover
You thought you had known
You ugly, babbling, stupid old bitch!
"Witch," Michael.
Not "bitch."
You're dropping lines
left and right.
Sounds like crap,
all right?
Fuckin' bullshit.
Donnie, you're dragging.
Fuckin' Elmo,
you suck the fucking wad.
[ Whimpers ]
Did you talk to her?[ Gasps ]
Did you talk to her?
Look, you really,
really have to stop
waiting for me, okay?
Fine. I won't do it again.
I promise.
What did she say?
How did she react?
Well, I mean, it's kind of
difficult to describe it.
Show me.What?
Show me the exact
What do you mean?
I want you to act out
her reaction.
Just let go and become
Heidi for a moment.
Oh, I-- I don't think so.Please. Look.
Here, I'll be you.
[ Exhales Sharply,
Clears Throat ]
Heidi, I ran into Michael.
God, he looks great.
She's seeing somebody else.
A lawyer.
I-- I really have to
get in now.
A lawyer.
[ Snorts ]
[ Dummy ]
You made a total mess
of the situation.
[ Steven ]
I don't know
what I did wrong, but...
I'm just not good
at this sort of thing.
[ Dummy ]
Listen, Steven, you had
a beautiful girl here.
She's dying to be kissed,
and all you want to do
is play with a doll.
But you're not a doll.
You're a--
You're a dummy.No, you're a dummy.
Now cut the bullshit.
Who do you think I am?
Goddamn Pinocchio?
I'm a hunk of wood.
A hunk of wood.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe
I just said that.
It's true.
Painful as it is to admit,
I'm a piece of wood.
Handsome and irresistible,
but nonetheless, wood.
You're more than that.
grow up.
[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Fern ] Heidi, phone!
[ Lou ]
Hitler couldn't sink this baby.
Your voice probably could.
You know, Lou,
when you have kids
to raise, you yell.
Hello? Yes?
Yeah, my condolences.
[ Sighs ]
It's over. I'm screwed.
My magician died.
That was his wife
on the phone.
He died last night.
My magician.
He was one of
my special touches.
A strolling performer
for the wedding.
I'm ruined.
Like he couldn't wait
one more day.
- Why don't you have
Edgar Bergen over there do it?
- What?
[ Heidi ]
Steven. Steven,
all you have to do
i-i-is walk around
with a dummy for a few hours.
- No, I don't think so.
- I'll pay you $200.
Hmm, nah, I don't think so.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing. I don't want to
use the dummy anymore.
- Steven, why?
- [ Heidi ]
I mean, you can't give up now.
Why? All of a sudden because
it's inconvenient for you? No.
That was supposed to be
your dream.
Well, I thought it was. I--
Oh, so, what, y-you're just gonna quit? You're just gonna give up just like that?
That's what you did,
isn't it?
Oh, please.
Michael and I were--
I'm not talking about Michael.
I'm talking about
your singing.
Well, that was never
very realistic.
And Steven running around
with a stuffed animal is?
Well, he seems to know
what he's doing.
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah, because he's Steven.
And if Steven wanted to sell
his own shit, you'd say,
"Gee, what a wonderful idea."
I wanted to sing.
And you made me
feel like a fool.
Honey, it's not my fault
if you felt like a fool.
I always supported you.
I only wanted you
to be more realistic.
More realistic?
Oh, so now I'm planning
some-- some tacky wedding...
for some fat JAP
who'll be divorced
in two years.
I'm living at home
with my parents.
[ Sobs ]
You make me beg
for the car every day.
That's realistic.
Hey, hey!
Don't yell at your mother.
That's all you have to say?
My life is a living hell,
and that's all
you have to say?Don't yell at me either.
Hey! Put that down!Wake up, Dad!
You're grounded!
I always supported her.
No, Mom.
You didn't.
I-- I'd like to return this.
[ Bell Jingles ]
I told you, Ma.
I got a gig.
Man, this rain
is gonna ruin my hair.
You're spoiled and stupid!
You little whore!
I need my prescription!
Man, is your mom
all right?Does she seem all right?
Come on, you guys.
I don't want to be late. Mach schnell.
[ Sighs ]
I think I'll wear
my blue dress.
What do you think?
You think Jen will mind me wearing blue to her wedding?
I wish this was your wedding
we were going to.
Could this be
The end of the party
You search the room for the last piece of cake
The ice is melting in the glasses
And you're regretting every pass that
you didn't make
And weren't you the life of the party
And didn't she laugh at all of your jokes
And aren't you sitting here with no one
Hey. There's no smoking
in this building.
Put that cigarette out.
Jesus Christ.
Goddamn foreigners.
Get a life.
Another year but nothing much changed
Another year spent waiting for no one
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What is this?
What is this?
This is not what I ordered.Hmm? I have the invoice
right here.
Baba ghanoush,
hummus, tabbouleh.
I don't know
what the hell those are.
Well, that's what was ordered.
See for yourself.
This says the Ali wedding.
This isn't the Ali wedding?No, this is not
the Ali wedding.
This is the Freed wedding.
This is the polar opposite
of the Ali wedding.
Oh. Are you sure?
Am I sure?
Of course I'm sure!
This is a disaster.
Oh, Mrs. Freed,
how do you feel
about baba ghanoush?
It's really
a wonderful app--
[ Gasps ]
She gained 10 pounds
since the last fitting.
They can't get the gown
over her big, fat ass.Mother!
[ Wheezing ]I've gotta check
on the band. Excuse me.
[ Glass Rattling ]
[ Shatters ]
Michael, this is
a really bad time.
When would be
a good time, Heidi?
Uh, well, let's see.
How about never?
Heidi. Heidi.
Heidi, damn it.
Heidi, stop. Stop!
Heidi, look.
This is important.
No, Michael,
this is important.
This wedding
is the most important
day of my life.
You have no idea
how far I've come.
How much I've changed for you.
No, no, no.
Don't do anything.
It's over between us.It's not over.
Yes, it is.
It's over.
I know that as long as
you're alive,
it can never be over.
What the hell does that mean?
Is that some kind
of a threat?
If you do not
get out of here right now,
I'm calling the cops.
[ Sighs ]
Don't think I don't know
about your little lawyer.
[ "Here Comes The Bride" ]
[ Continues ]
[ Dummy ] I always cry at weddings.
[ Sobs ]
I thought you might
need some help.
How's it going?
It's great.
I just want to die. Don't say that.
You need to follow
your bliss.
A little Joseph Campbell,
you "plagiarer."
He's right.
You're funny, you know.
I didn't know that.
You're funny.Really?
You're really talented.
Don't sell yourself short.
[ Gasps ]
[ Chuckles ]
- [ Glass Shatters ]
- [ Crowd ]
Mazel tov!
- [ Fabric Tearing ]
- [ Crowd Gasps ]
[ Rock ]
[ Singing In Yiddish ]
[ Continues ]
[ Continues ]
[ Continues In Yiddish ]
[ Klezmer Rock ]
[ Continues In Yiddish ]
[ Fades ]
[ Resumes ]
[ Ends ]
[ Sobbing ]
[ Slow Rock ]
[ Singing In Yiddish ]
Heidi, last chance.
Please, Michael.
Please get out of here.
I want to talk
about our relationship.
- We don't have a relationship.
- What's going on over here?
Oh. Hey, Steve.
Everything's fine.
Heidi and I
are just talking.No, we're not.
Yes, we are.No, we're not.
We are.Look, Michael--
I think you should
leave now.
[ Continues In Yiddish ]
I really didn't wanna
have to do this,
but fine.
Okay?Oh, my God!
Don't worry. It's not mine.
I just borrowed it.
Just get lost.
Listen, put that away,
all right?
'Cause this is crazy.
If I don't follow through
with the threat,
Heidi will never respect me.
She'll just think
I'm a psychopath.
You are a psychopath.I've been seeing a shrink,
which has been tremendously
helpful with a lot
of my anger issues.
you're pointing a gun at me.
My drinking,
down to practically nil.
Do me a favor.
Go back to the party.
I'll be right back.
I tried to do it
without the gun,
but you wouldn't listen.
Now you'll listen.
Baby,[ Scoffs ]
I love you.
- I think we can make this work.
- Steven?
Steven, what is going on?
Put the gun down.
Shut up and get over there!
Damn it.
You're making me
look like an asshole.
Don't do this!Shut up.
I don't have to
answer to you anymore.
I am so, so over you.
- What?
- Wait a minute.
You two know each other?
Yeah, unfortunately.Shut up
and get over there.
[ Singing In Yiddish ]
Michael, you are violating
the restraining order.
A man with a pistol
should be so worried about
violating his restraining order.
I mean, oh, my God,
what's gonna happen?
I'm four feet
away from you. Huh?
Now I'm two feet
away from you.
Three feet,
one foot.
Back off, buddy.
You're lucky I'm over you.
Heidi.[ Gasps ]
Last chance.
The police are here.
They're right behind you. Nice try, Steve.
I turn to look,
you lunge at me.
Very heroic.
I'm not gonna fall for it.
Nice try though.
Freeze. Police.
Drop your guns...
and put your hands up.
Don't shoot!
What the he--
[ Groaning ]
[ Groaning ]
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Both Gasp ]
[ Groans ]
[ No Audible Singing ]
You don't get your seat back
You got up and lost your place
You should learn about leaving in the middle
[ Whimpering ]
- [ Heidi ]
- Now you're lost in space
[ Vocalizing ]
Not another step.
I mean it.[ Gunshots ]
[ Clicking ]
[ Continues ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Groans ]
Blanks. It's a prop.
Oh, my God.
A-Are you okay?Mm-hmm.
[ Heidi ] You really hit him. How did you do that?
- I threw my voice.
- You protected me.
take a good look
at this face.
'Cause you will never,
ever see it again.
I blow out
your candles, Heidi.
You don't get those years back
[ Clears Throat ]
Can I have
the g-gun back, please?
It belongs to the theater.
Just give him the gun.
Thank you.
[ Heidi's Voice ] Now you can see why I broke off the engagement, huh?
[ Steven's Voice ]
He's nuts.
But you really
came to my rescue, boy.
You did.
How's your hand?Fine.
Oh--I didn't think you could
punch someone like that.
Me neither.It was amazing.
Well, there's something I--
I need to take care of.
Thanks, Steven.
So that was
pretty brave.
No.Hmm, yeah.
Going to fuckin'--
[ Yiddish ]
I'm sorry about--Lorena.
You should have
kissed her, idiot.
Don't rub it in.
I want a door
that belongs to me
I want a bed
that belongs to me
I want to know
when I climb into bed
I wake up in my own
For nowadays
the world is lit by lightning.
Blow out your candles.
And so, good-bye. I want a door
That belongs to me
I want a chair
that belongs to me
I want to know
when I rock in that chair
I look up at my own
[ Fades Out ]
Thanks. Thank you.
It wasn't too
over-the-top, was it?
Oh, man, it was
fucking beautiful.
Really?Oh! No shit, man.
Are you-- Are you--
Are you a fucking actor
or something?
Yeah, yeah. I--
What's your name?
I'm Michael.Michael.
[ Piano ]
You're feeling kicked around and broken-down
You've fallen and you can't get up
Well, all the doubters and the shouters
And the fakers trying to call your bluff
Don't be shaken
They're mistaken
'Cause you're just a diamond in the rough
So, baby, wipe those tears from your eyes
You know you'll find a way to get high
You haven't even tried
That was terrible.
I thought we gave
a very moving performance.
The only thing moving
was your lips.
[ Man ] Cut. [ Man #2 ]
That's a cut.
Baby, you were born to fly
You're never gonna get there crawlin'
Or putting up a wall to hide from everything
Born to fly
You're gonna have to start out running
If you want to touch the sky
You better find your wings
You're bein' avoided and exploited, baby, you're
overworked and underpaid
You're feeling stretched to the limit, in a minute now
you just might break
Yeah Just be strong
a little longer
'Cause tomorrow's gonna be your day
Whoo The sun could melt away
all your doubts
If you could only break through the clouds
Your future's starting now
Remember you were born to fly
Time to show the world your courage
Break out of your cocoon and tell us how you feel
Ooh Born to fly
You spend enough of your time dreamin'
Now open up your eyes and rise and make it real
Whoa, yeah
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Gotta find your wings now
Born to fly
You know you're never gonna
get there crawling
Or putting up a wall to hide from everything
Yeah Born to fly
Boy, you're gonna have to start out running
If you wanna touch the sky you better find your
You better find your
Born to fly
Spend enough of your time dreamin'
Open up your eyes and make it real
Yeah, yeah
Born to fly
Closed-Captioned By