Dusty Slay: Wet Heat (2025) Movie Script

1
[audience chattering]
-[raunchy rock music plays]
-[man 1] Ladies and gentlemen, Dusty Slay!
[audience cheering enthusiastically]
[man 2] Woo-hoo!
All right.
Okay. All right.
Ha-ha! We're havin' a good time.
Y'know what I mean?
-[audience cheering]
-Okay.
[whistling]
I'm pumped to be here, Chattanooga.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[clears throat] It's a hot show,
y'know what I mean?
Already been a hot show.
Uh, feels like
it's gonna keep being a hot show.
-[audience chuckles]
-I feel good. I slept good.
-[man 3] Whoo!
-And that feels good.
I don't always sleep good,
but I did sleep good last night.
I had a dream that I was watching
a Larry Bird documentary.
[audience laughs]
I've never seen a Larry Bird documentary.
[audience laughs]
That means my mind created
a Larry Bird documentary
for me to watch in my sleep.
That's incredible, I think.
[audience chuckles]
[chuckles] That is incredible.
Pretty low-budget documentary though.
[audience laughs]
Wasn't even really Larry Bird
in the documentary.
That means my subconscious
couldn't work up the budget
to get Larry Bird
in my own dream documentary.
[audience chuckles]
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean? Okay.
-[audience laughs]
-[man 4] Whoo!
We're havin' a good time.
[audience whooping]
Thank you.
[scattered applause]
I had a dream one time that I was
about to get trapped in an elevator.
And that's a big fear of mine, y'know?
Not 'cause I'm claustrophobic
but because I pee a lot.
[audience laughs]
I got a real pee problem.
I'm not trying to be gross about it.
But I got a real overactive bladder,
y'know?
I got the kinda bladder that's like,
"Oh, you tryin' to do somethin'?"
-"Why don't you go pee first though?"
-[audience laughs]
Like, I never been in a Home Depot
and found what I needed
before I had to pee.
[audience laughs]
I'm just tryin' to get a couple of screws.
Next thing you know,
I'm in the back corner of a Home Depot
[laughter continues]
in between some carpet rolls.
[audience laughing]
I don't know if I'm in the bathroom
or the break room.
I don't know what's goin' on back there.
I don't know what people eat,
that shop at Home Depot,
but they are destroying that bathroom.
[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]
-I never seen anythin' like it.
I'm just in there to pee,
and my eyes are waterin'.
[audience laughs]
[chuckling]
[man 4] Whoo!
[chuckles] Hope I don't pass out in here,
'cause I'll keep breathin' that in.
[audience laughs]
But I do pee a lot though.
And I'm in a lotta elevators.
I'm in elevators all the time.
I'm always in a hotel.
And I get to the hotel
I get off the plane, get in the car,
get to the hotel, gotta pee real bad,
and I'm like, "Nah, I can make it
to the room. I can make it."
I'm in the elevator, pushin' the button,
y'know what I mean?
Like, "Let's go! Let's go!"
And I always think,
"If this elevator breaks down"
I'm always like, "How long would it take
before I peed in this elevator?"
[audience laughs]
And I think it would happen right away.
[audience laughs]
I don't think I'd waste any time.
I think I'd feel it shut down,
and then they go,
"Oh, sorry, the elevator's broke."
And I would just let loose in there.
[audience laughs]
And then they go, "Oh, sorry,
minor glitch. We're up and runnin'."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] I'm like,
"Well, I'm sorry that happened"
[audience laughs]
"but I'm not ruinin' my bladder 'cause
your elevator's glitchin' out in here."
"I didn't know how long
we was gonna be in here, y'know?"
"I didn't wanna be uncomfortable
in front of all these other people."
[realization laughter]
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean? Okay!
-[audience cheers]
-Thank you. Okay.
-[man 5 whoops]
-[whistling]
You ever in an elevator,
and you look up in the top right corner,
and you see the name brand
of the elevator in there?
-Who's that for?
-[audience chuckles]
You ever been in an elevator
and been like,
"Dang, this is a pretty good elevator."
[audience laughs]
"What brand is this?"
"I'm gonna start recommendin' this
to other hotels I stay at."
"You guys gotta get on
that Otis elevator."
[audience laughs]
-Okay, a couple of Otis fans.
-[scattered whooping]
No, it's a good elevator.
It is a good elevator.
[scattered chuckling]
I've always lived in the South.
I like being in the South.
-Uh, I think it's the best.
-[audience cheers]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I really love
I like the weather. I love the heat.
I'm a big fan of the heat, y'know?
Sometimes I'll go out to,
like, Phoenix, y'know,
and it'll be a lot hotter
than what I'm used to.
And I'll complain about it a little bit.
And, uh, they always say
the same thing to me.
You know what they say.
They go, "Yeah, but it's a dry heat."
[audience laughs]
That's what they say. "It's a dry heat."
They say it like their heat
is better than my heat.
[audience laughs]
I get defensive about it.
I'm like, "Oh, it's a dry heat, huh?"
"Well, I like a wet heat."
[audience laughs]
"Yeah, that's the kind of heat I like.
I like a wet heat."
"I like it to feel like a sauna outside."
"I like to sweat in places
I didn't even know I could sweat in."
I like to go, "Why is that wet?"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Know what I mean?
"I like I like a wet heat, y'know?"
"I like a heat with a lot
of flying insects and mosquitoes"
-[audience laughs]
-"and gnats."
"I like to stand in a hot parking lot
of a Shoney's doin' like that."
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
"I like to go in the backyard
for two minutes
and come back in and go,
'I just got tore up out there.'"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Know what I mean?
-[audience cheers]
-Know what I mean?
[cheering and applause]
That's right.
"You can't get that in a dry heat."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I went out to Iowa not too long ago.
-Thank you. And, uh
-[audience chuckles]
Yep, I get around a bit.
And, uh, had a lot of fun out there.
This lady came up to me after the show.
She goes, "Hey, great show."
I was like, "Thanks. I appreciate that."
And then she goes,
"Have you ever milked a cow?"
-[scattered laughter]
-Mm. And I said, "No."
And, uh, she goes, "Do you want to?"
[audience laughs]
And I said, "No." Y'know?
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Not lookin' to do
a lot of chores after my show.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I just kinda wanna relax, y'know?
Not tryin' to go back to this lady's farm
and shear the sheep and shoe the horses.
[chuckles]
Then she was like,
"'Cause my husband's getting wild tonight,
and I need somebody
to help me milk the cows."
And at that point, I wasn't even sure
we were still talkin' about cows.
[audience laughs]
I was like, "But if that's a pickup line,
I'm not into it."
[audience laughs]
I don't even know what that could be
and be something that I'm into, y'know?
I don't even like milk that much.
Like, I like milk.
I had a little bit of milk today, y'know?
But I don't like it enough
to be into milk.
[audience laughs]
I'm not like, "Ooh, milk, huh?"
"You say you had milk?"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] "Well, okay."
[scattered chuckling]
Milk's weird anyway though. I do like it.
But you ever think about milk?
It's, like, outside right now
in an animal somewhere.
[audience laughs]
And we go out there, and we're like,
"Yeah! Gimme that milk!"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
The baby calf's in the corner all hungry.
We're like, "Nah, this is my milk now."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] "I got a whole
five-gallon bucket here."
"'Bout to take this back to my family."
[audience laughs]
"About to have a lot of milk mustaches
back at our place."
[chuckles]
I wanna know how we settled
on cow's milk, y'know?
You gotta think, at one point,
we weren't drinking animal's milk.
Then we're like, "Y'know what?
We're gonna start drinking animal's milk."
But we had to find out
which ones were good, y'know?
How did we do it?
I like to think it was one guy
milkin' every animal
for, like, ten years, y'know?
After, like, a decade, he's like,
"It's cows, man. It's cows."
-[audience laughs]
-"I am so sick."
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
[chuckles]
"I drank a lot of weird milks
over the years."
[audience laughs]
He's like, "The goats are okay
but mainly wanna stick to the cows."
"We really wanna stay away
from that dog's milk."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
You imagine milkin' a dog, y'know?
[audience laughs]
It's good enough
to get a little coffee creamer out of it.
[laughter continues]
[chuckles] Yer gettin' bit the whole time.
[audience laughs]
You're like, "Get outta here! Get! It's"
"Tryin' to not drink
a black coffee again."
[laughter subsides]
-[Dusty chuckling]
-[scattered laughter]
I went with a friend to a coffee shop.
He ordered a latte.
They were like, "What kind of milk?"
He goes, "Chocolate."
-And
-[audience laughs]
I don't drink a lotta lattes,
so I don't know,
but that don't sound right to me.
[laughter continues]
Don't feel like that was the question
they were askin'.
[chuckles]
[scattered laughter]
I also wanna know how we decided
to start drinkin' animal's milk. I
D'you think they just saw a baby calf
drinkin' out of a cow,
and they were like,
"That looks pretty good"?
[laughter]
"Think I'd like to try
to get in on that, y'know?"
"Hope I can get it with my hand though."
Y'know what I mean?
-[chuckles]
-[laughter]
You love it?
Okay, we're havin' a good time.
-Thank you.
-[audience cheers]
[applause and whooping]
I like a lotta milk jokes in my show.
[audience laughs]
I'm a real milk-joke comic now.
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
-Okay. I, um
-[scattered laughter]
I like country music.
I'm a big country music fan.
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
Country music's the best. It is the best.
I like a lotta workin'-man country songs,
y'know?
Like, Merle Haggard
probably has the most famous.
He has "Workin' Man Blues."
-[whoops]
-Really great song.
Yeah, really good. And then, uh,
another favorite of mine, in the '90s,
there was a song by Brooks & Dunn
called "Hard Workin' Man."
-[scattered whoops]
-Big fan o' that. "Hard Workin' Man."
And, uh, I don't know
if you've heard that one before,
but, uh, I'd like to tell you about it.
I'd like to talk to you about it.
So best that you haven't heard it.
That way we can It'll be fresh to you.
But the song, uh
The first verse of the song
is a bit like a job interview
or a rsum, y'know?
He's just kinda lettin' y'know who he is
and how he likes to do things, y'know?
He starts the song off, he says,
"I'm a hard-workin' man," y'know?
-Just put-- lays it out there for ya.
-[audience chuckles]
Lets y'know who he is,
how he likes to work, y'know?
But he's singing though too.
He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."
Which is not a bad impression
if you've never heard Brooks & Dunn.
-[audience laughs]
-[man whoops]
"I'm a hardworkin' man," y'know?
He just wants you to know
how he's gonna do it when he clocks in.
[audience laughs]
And then he says,
"I wear a steel hard hat."
He wants you to know
he takes safety very serious.
Wears a hard hat.
Doesn't mess around with plastic.
It's steel for this guy.
[chuckles] Loves his hat.
Wears it all the time.
Then he says,
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint."
Four things that
you don't really need a hard hat for.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] His coworkers are like,
"I don't know
why you're wearin' that hat again."
[laughter continues]
"We're ropin' cattle today, buddy."
"There's nothin' to fall on you out here."
[laughter]
"You wanna wear a helmet,
wear a helmet, y'know?"
"But that hard hat's
not gonna help you out here."
But he says, "I can hammer and paint."
"Do things with my hands
that most men can't."
I'm like, "I don't know.
I think we can all hammer and paint."
[audience laughs]
Like, some people do it
better than others, obviously,
but I think we can all do it.
Like, I don't know how good of a hammerer
Bob Ross is, y'know,
but, um, pretty good painter, I'd say.
[scattered laughter]
I bet he's hung a painting or two
on the wall, y'know?
A little tack hammer. Tut-tut.
-Tut-tut.
-[laughter continues]
Tut-tut.
[audience chuckling]
You would think a guy like this,
with this kinda work ethic,
uh, this kinda work attire,
this list of skills,
you'd think he'd be doing pretty well
financially, but he goes on to say,
"I can't get ahead,
no matter how hard I try."
"I'm gettin' really good
at barely gettin' by."
And you're like, "Oh, dang," y'know?
[audience laughs]
The song really takes an emotional turn
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] that you might not
be ready for, you know?
But it makes you kinda wanna
keep listenin' to the song,
just kinda figure out what's goin' on
with this guy's finances, you know?
[audience laughs]
Like, does he figure it out?
Where's the money goin'?
[audience laughs]
These are the kinda questions I have,
you know?
So you get to the second verse,
and the second verse, he says,
"Come Friday night, I like to party hard."
You're like, "Ah, I'm startin' to see
where this is goin' here."
[audience laughs]
"Startin' to unravel
a bit of the mystery here."
"Work hard to play hard."
He said, "I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties."
He never really says what that is,
but I think
I think we could put it together, y'know?
[audience laughs]
"I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties,
spend my whole week's pay
on some weekend beauty."
I'm like, "Okay.
Well, there's your problem right there."
[audience laughs and cheers]
[chuckles] "I think we can close
this investigation here."
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]
"Tell Columbo to head on back
to the house."
[audience laughs]
"We've solved the crime here."
I'd like to see this guy meet
with a financial advisor, y'know?
[chuckles] He's like,
"I just can't seem to put any money away."
He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."
"I wear a steel hard hat."
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint,
but I can't seem to put any money away."
Financial advisor's like,
"I don't know. Let's dig in.
Let's see what we can find."
Pulls up the report,
gets to, like, page one.
He's like, "Oh, found it right here!"
[audience laughs]
"A lot faster than I expected."
"It seems here, you're spending
everything you make, in one night"
[laughter continues]
"on some sort of a prostitute."
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]
[chuckles] "I don't know if that's what
a 'weekend beauty' is, y'know,
but might I suggest a cheaper option,
y'know, maybe
maybe a week-day beauty."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] "Get yourself a Tuesday beauty,
save a little money around here."
-[woman whoops]
-"Know what I mean? Okay, okay."
That's fun though.
Country music's the best.
Gosh, it's the best.
I've always said that a good country song
can have you reminiscing
about times you never had.
[man whoops]
Like, I never went to the lake
growin' up, y'know?
My family wasn't, like, a "lake" family.
But I hear a country song about the lake,
I'm like, "Yeah, I remember that."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] "Dang, that was a good time."
[audience laughs]
"Me and Kid Rock, down by the docks
in the summertime. You know what I mean?"
Joe Diffie has a song like that.
A song called "Home."
And whenever-- And Joe Diffie's singin'
about his childhood home.
And when I listen to it, it makes me think
about my childhood home,
even though mine was nothing like his.
It's just that good of a song.
He's like, "Home was an easy chair,
with my daddy there."
And I'm like,
"Well, my parents were divorced."
[audience laughs]
My dad mighta had an easy chair,
but it wasn't at our house.
-Y'know what I mean? [chuckling]
-[audience laughing]
It was at his house,
with his other family.
[audience laughs]
-[chuckles] Hi!
-[scattered laughter]
"Home was a back-porch swing,
where I would sit,
and Mom would sing 'Amazing Grace.'"
I'm like, "Well,
I I grew up in a trailer,
and we didn't really have a back porch."
"You know? We didn't really have a back."
-"Just two long sides."
-[audience laughing]
"Real narrow front."
"Real narrow back."
"Not really room for a porch
back there, you know?"
-"We had more of a side porch."
-[scattered laughter]
-"Or a side deck."
-[laughter subsides]
Yeah, a lot of these jokes end
long before I stop talkin'.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] You know what I mean?
Okay, now we were havin' a good time
there for a while on that joke there.
-[audience cheers]
-Yeah. Okay.
-[applause]
-[cheering subsides]
Yeah, we're havin' a good time.
We're havin' a good time.
-This is a hot show.
-[audience chuckles]
I hear people say this a lot.
Maybe you hear this too.
People say they're socially awkward.
Ever hear people say that?
They go, "Oh, I'm socially awkward."
Y'know what we used to call that?
Awkward.
[audience laughs]
'Cause that's when you're awkward,
when you're out being social with people.
There's no need to really say
the "socially" thing.
And it's okay
to be socially awkward, y'know?
What you gotta worry about
is that alone awkwardness.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] You're sitting around
by yourself with sweaty palms
[audience laughs]
havin' trouble making eye contact
with the mirror, y'know?
[man laughs]
Say something out loud to yourself,
and you're like,
"Ah, I wish I had not said that."
[audience laughs]
That's when you got some real issues.
I think we're all saying stuff out loud
to people that we wish we didn't say.
I know I do. I small-talk a lot.
And, uh, a lot of times
I run out of stuff to say, y'know?
-But that doesn't keep me from talkin'.
-[audience laughs]
I just stop makin' sense, y'know?
I was in a grocery store the other day,
bought a couple of jugs of water,
took 'em up to the register.
Me and the cashier,
we said hey to each other.
-That's all we needed to do.
-[scattered chuckling]
There was no need to keep it goin'.
But it took her a while
to ring up those two jugs of water.
And so I thought,
"Well, I'll say somethin' here."
[expectant laughter]
I go, "What do I got? Uh"
"Okay, here we go. I'll try this."
So I go, "These water bottles
used to have a handle on it."
-[chuckles awkwardly]
-[scattered laughter]
-[chuckling]
-[laughter increases]
"They don't have a handle anymore though."
And then I just kinda left it with her.
You know, I'm like,
"Okay, I've said a thing,
now you say a thing,
and we'll get through this."
[audience laughing]
She was like,
"Yeah, I don't know what happened."
I go, "That's wild, huh?"
[audience laughs]
Then I get out in the parkin' lot, I go,
"What the hell are you doin' in there?"
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]
"Jeez, man."
"You're a professional comedian,
for cryin' out loud."
"You can do better
than water-bottle talk."
[audience laughs]
I like to think
that cashier's scrollin' Netflix,
and she sees my picture, and she goes,
"The water-bottle guy?!"
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause and cheers]
"Ace."
[cheering continues]
[applause and whistling]
[chuckles] She's like,
"I did not see that coming."
[audience laughs]
"I didn't think he was gonna make it
across the street!"
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
[chuckles]
I was in a gas station the other day,
and the cashier goes,
"How you doin' today?"
I go, "Good, what about you?"
She goes, "Good! You?"
I'm like, "How long we gon' do this here?"
[audience laughs]
"Well, uh, dang,
are you even listenin' to me?"
"I told you I was good, y'know,
don't keep askin'."
"Might get a real answer."
[audience laughs]
"I'm tryin' to keep it light." [chuckles]
I was in a Walgreens the other day.
The other day was a big day for me.
-It was, uh
-[audience laughs]
[applause and whooping]
If not for the other day,
none of this'd be happening.
-[laughter continues]
-A beautiful day the other day.
I'm glad I was payin' attention.
[audience chuckling]
I was in a Walgreens the other day,
and I was waiting in line,
and there was this lady
talking to the cashier.
And the cashier was like
She had just had to ask
a regular ol' Walgreens question, y'know?
She was like,
"Oh, are you a Walgreens rewards member?"
That lady goes, "If I had to ask
that question every day, I'd kill myself."
[audience laughs]
[Dusty chuckles]
I got up to the register.
I was like, "Jeez, that lady had
a low threshold for suicide, huh?"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
"Somebody better
keep an eye on that lady."
[audience laughs]
"Like, the day gets harder, y'know?"
[scattered laughter]
If you got suicide in your small talk,
you gotta work on it, y'know?
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] I mean,
that's big talk, y'know?
Small talk is the weather, y'know?
You're like,
"Oh, it's a beautiful day today, huh?"
You're like,
"Yeah, I'd like to kill myself."
[audience laughs]
[scattered chuckling]
"Okay. Well, I hope it rains, I guess."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] "I I mean,
for your sake, y'know, but"
"Can't rain every day though, can it?"
Okay. Thank you. We're havin' a good time.
-[audience cheers]
-[chuckles] Thank you.
-[audience whistling]
-Okay!
-Thank you.
-[man] Whoo!
[applause subsides]
It's a blank water.
What is it? I don't know.
[audience chuckles]
Who knows what's in there?
It was already open
when I tried to twist it.
[audience laughs]
Could be anything in there.
[chuckles] Who knows, though?
[scattered laughter]
I hope I'm okay.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] It didn't click when I spun it.
Y'know what I mean?
[laughter continues]
[chuckles, laughs]
-[audience chuckles]
-Okay.
I checked into this hotel the other day,
and they gave me a little sheet of paper.
It was instructions
on how to check out faster.
I was like, "Oh, okay.
Well, let me ask you this."
"What's faster than just leavin'?"
[audience laughs]
"I mean, that's how I've been doin' it."
-[audience laughs]
-"I'm gonna be honest with you here."
"I didn't even realize
there was a checkout process."
[laughter continues]
"Just felt like you see me leave here
with all these bags,
you get up into that room
and I'm not in there,
you know I've checked out."
[laughter continues]
I could still be checked in
to a lotta hotel rooms
all across the country.
I show up, try to check in,
they're like, "Sir, we're showing
you're still checked in here."
[audience laughing]
"Yeah, you owe us quite a bit of money."
[laughter continues]
"A lot of us were wondering
if you were still alive."
"You left that do-not-disturb sign
on the door,
and we couldn't get in there."
[chuckling]
-[scattered laughter]
-[Dusty chuckles]
What are other people doing?
Are they goin' up to the register,
ringin' that bell, going, "Hey-hey"?
"Just wanna let you know
I'm about to head on outta here."
[audience laughs]
"I've had a good time gettin' to know you
this weekend, as I come and go by here,
but I know you got used to
seeing me go out the door,
and then, later in the day,
I'll be coming back in here, but
that's not what's gonna be happenin'
today though."
[audience laughs]
"Nah, today, when I go out that door,
I'm not comin' back."
[laughter continues]
"So, if there's anythin'
you wanna say to me, y'know,
better go ahead and say it, 'cause it may
be a year or so 'fore I'm back around."
"You might not be working here
by then, y'know?"
"Not with the kinda attitude
I've seen you have."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Y'know.
"On a day-to-day basis, y'know?"
"You complain about--
a lot about this job."
You ever check in real late to a hotel,
like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning,
and the person working,
it's like, "Do you work here,
or did you just kill
the guy that works here"?
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Y'know?
-[scattered laughter]
-[Dusty chuckling]
You ever you ever check in to a hotel
and the pool's shut down?
[murmuring in agreement]
You weren't plannin' on gettin' in
but still feel a little ripped off?
[audience laughs]
You're like, "I don't wanna stay
at some raggedy hotel
where everything's shut down."
"Like, what else
doesn't work around here?"
And I don't wanna get in the pool.
I just kinda wanna open that door
and go, "Ugh!"
[audience laughs]
"A lotta chlorine in there, huh?"
[audience laughs]
I never get in the hotel pool.
This is why.
Sometimes, you go down there,
and the pool's full,
you're like, "I don't wanna get in
with all those people."
Then the other time you go down
and it's empty,
you're like, "Why's nobody in the pool?"
[audience laughs]
"What's wrong with the pool
that nobody wants to swim in there?"
And I don't wanna get in there
and be the one lone guy
swimmin' around in the pool.
The kids are comin' down,
tryin' to get in.
They're like, "We can't get in.
That guy's still in there."
[audience laughs]
"He has hairs everywhere."
[laughter continues]
[chuckling]
[chuckles] You know what I mean.
[scattered laughter]
[awkwardly] Okay.
[audience laughs]
I went through a cologne phase
for a while.
I used to wear a lotta cologne.
People never liked me in cologne.
They were never like,
"Ooh! You smell good!"
They were always like,
"Who's wearin' cologne?!"
[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]
-[man whoops]
[chuckling]
I read a story one time
about a country singer.
They said he used to
drink a lotta cologne.
And he died.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] That's not funny,
but it is funny the way I said it though.
[audience laughs]
They said he was a real bad alcoholic,
and towards the end of his life,
it got so bad,
he started drinking cologne.
They said that like it was rock bottom.
But I'm like, "How's that rock bottom?
Cologne's expensive, y'know?"
[audience laughs]
Seems like a choice, y'know?
How would that even work
in a social setting?
Show up to a party.
Your buddy's like, "Bud Light?"
You're like,
"No, I'll have a Drakkar Noir."
[audience laughs]
[blows, chuckles]
"It's got some heat on it!"
Y'know what I mean?
[laughter continues]
[chuckles] Okay.
I went out to San Diego not too long ago.
Had a lotta fun out there.
Thank you. And, uh,
lotta homeless people out there.
Um, I don't mind.
A lot of people think I'm homeless.
Y'know what I mean? Doesn't bother me.
They were very polite. Some of the nicest
homeless people I'd ever seen.
One guy came up to me on the street,
both hands on his belt like this.
He goes, "Would you like me
to whoop your ass?"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I thought it was polite that he asked.
[audience laughs]
I go to a lotta cities.
Lotta times they won't ask, y'know?
[audience laughs]
-[man] Whoo!
-They'll just try to do it.
But this guy asked, y'know,
and I appreciated it.
I said no, of course.
[audience chuckles]
He got so mad when I said no.
I guess he'd been out there all day
askin' that question.
Like, "Dang, that's the last thing
on my to-do list."
"Then I can get back to the tent."
Y'know what I mean?
-Okay.
-[audience chuckles]
-[chuckles] Okay.
-[audience cheering]
[Dusty chuckles]
[softly] Okay.
[woman] Whoo!
If I were homeless,
the first thing I'd save up and buy
would be a day planner.
That way, every day,
I could open it up and go,
"Nothin' to do!"
[audience chuckles]
That joke never does as well as I'd like.
-But, uh
-[audience laughs]
People think I'm makin' fun
of homeless people,
when I'm really just
admiring the freedom, y'know?
Free schedule any day of the week?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
[scattered chuckling]
Never gets better the more I explain it.
But, uh
[audience laughs]
Here's a joke that never works. Um
This joke's not about homelessness.
It's a different j-- It's a good joke.
It just doesn't
do that well for audiences.
[scattered laughter]
I like this joke a lot.
I'm a big fan of it.
We're gonna do it in a minute though.
Here we go.
-[audience chuckling]
-[sighs] Okay.
All right. Here it goes.
Sometimes, I'll be listenin' to the radio,
and they'll be advertising,
like, a local business, y'know?
They'll be like, "We've been in business
for well over 50 years!"
And I'm like,
"Well, how well over, y'know?"
[scattered chuckling]
Not "well over" enough
to put another number on it?
[audience laughs]
Not 51, 52?
And if it's 51,
is it even that well over 50?
[scattered laughter]
And that's it. That's the whole joke.
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
It's a good joke. It's a good joke.
It's not that funny, I guess,
but it does make a lotta sense.
[audience laughs]
But that's not really what you want
out of a comic, y'know,
just to make a lotta sense.
You don't wanna leave the show being like,
"You know what? He wasn't that funny,
but he made a lotta sense."
[audience laughs]
"I found myself sitting there,
not laughing so much as I was being like,
'You know what? That adds up,
what he's sayin' right there.'"
"I appreciate the way
he puts things together
in a way that I can understand."
If somebody hands you a drink,
and they go,
"There's well over six ounces in here."
You're like,
"Are you tryin' to say seven?"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] That's the same joke.
Bit of a different twist to it.
[laughter and applause]
Not much funnier but it is, uh
-[scattered whoops]
-S still makes a lotta sense.
[scattered chuckling]
I used to be a big drinker.
I like drinkin' a lot.
-I quit drinkin', but I do like it. And
-[person whoops]
-You know what I mean. Yeah.
-[audience laughs]
Don't know what you're clappin' for,
drinkin' or not drinkin'.
But it doesn't matter. They're both good!
-And, uh
-[audience laughs]
I like drinking so much, I like to let it
completely control my life. Y'know?
[audience laughs]
I never understood people
that wanna go out for two beers.
They're like, "Wanna get a couple beers?"
I'm like, "Why?!"
-Y'know?
-[audience laughs]
"Let's get into it, man!"
"Let's lose our jobs this week!"
[laughter and applause]
-[man] Whoo!
-"Let's ruin our relationships."
I like to go out with a friend
and ruin that friendship in the night.
-[audience laughs]
-[woman whoops]
"What happened to Mike?"
I was like, "I don't know. He jumped
out of the car while I was driving."
[audience laughs]
[chuckling]
[scattered laughter]
I was hangin' out outside a bar one night.
I was not drinkin'.
I'd already quit drinkin'.
I was just out there being cool.
Just, uh, being cool,
looking cool, y'know?
This girl comes up to me outta nowhere.
She's pretty drunk, pretty attractive.
She walked right up to me.
I was like, "All right!
That's what I'm talkin' about." Y'know?
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
She got right up to me, and she goes,
"You gotta get new glasses."
[audience laughs]
She was like, "I don't wanna have sex
with you with those glasses."
And I'm married, y'know?
I was not out there lookin' for sex.
But I was like,
"What kinda glasses should I get?"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Y'know what I mean?
You might as well find out, y'know?
I wanna play to my strengths out here.
[scattered laughter]
I don't have to wear these glasses.
You know, I need them to see, but
[audience laughs]
I can take them off.
[audience laughs]
So I was like,
"What kinda glasses should I get?"
She goes, "Any kind."
She said,
"Those are Jeffrey Dahmer glasses."
[audience laughs]
"You're not gonna get laid
with those glasses."
And I was like, "Well, he got laid a lot."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Y'know what I mean?
Okay! No, we're havin' a good time.
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
[audience applauding]
You would think
that would be a weird thing to say, right?
But, in the moment,
it felt like it got flirty.
[audience laughs]
Felt like she was into it, man.
I don't know how or why,
but it did feel that way.
I even thought to myself,
"If I were looking for sex,
I think I woulda just found it here."
-[audience laughs]
-[man chuckles]
But that's one of the best things
about being married.
When you're married,
you can always believe
you were about to get laid.
[audience laughs]
Long as you don't act on it,
you can always believe
it was about to happen.
And that feels good.
I mean, that's a confidence level
that you can't touch.
I mean, that is way up here.
Y'know what I mean?
Like, if you go to the bar or the club
and you're single and you don't get laid,
you're like, "Ugh! I'm a loser."
Y'know?
If you go to the bar or the club
and you're married and you don't get laid,
you're like, "I'm a good dude."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] You're like, "Yeah,
I coulda gotten laid if I wanted to,
but I'm just out here shuttin' it down!"
[audience laughs]
[Dusty chuckles]
-That feels good, y'know?
-[audience chuckling]
Feels good to not accomplish anything
and be self-righteous about it.
[audience laughs]
That's how I'm tryin'
to live my life, y'know?
[scattered chuckling]
[Dusty chuckles]
I don't know a lot
about serial killers, y'know?
I'm not into that sort of stuff.
I don't I don't, uh
y'know, I don't read books about 'em.
I don't watch TV shows about 'em.
I don't listen to their podcasts.
But I know some names, y'know?
I know some classics.
So when the girl told me
I had Jeffrey Dahmer glasses,
I thought she was talking
about Ted Bundy, right?
[audience chuckles]
And I know he killed people too,
but a lotta people said
he was attractive, y'know?
So I looked up Jeffrey Dahmer.
[realization laughter]
Turns out, he eats people.
[audience laughs]
So that's different, y'know?
[laughter continues]
Like, kill people, fine.
Y'know what I mean?
But don't eat them.
[audience laughs]
Have some respect for yourself, y'know?
I like to think even other serial killers
are looking down on that sorta stuff.
Like, if they were to get together
at some kinda,
y'know, serial killer meet-up,
or, like, an annual sales meeting
of serial killers,
after the meeting, they're all at the bar,
and they're like, "Hey, listen, Jeff"
[audience laughs]
"don't be eatin' the bodies, buddy."
[audience laughs]
[man] Yeah!
[scattered applause and whoops]
[audience cheering]
"You're making us all look bad here."
"Really bringin' down the whole industry."
They're like, "Listen,
we all like a little knife action, okay?"
[audience chuckles]
"We love the knife."
"But you gotta put down the fork."
[audience laughs]
[whooping and applause]
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
[scattered applause]
"C'mon, buddy." [sighs]
Yeah, I love to humanize a serial killer
for a laugh, y'know what I mean?
Okay. Thank you.
-[scattered laughter]
-[Dusty chuckles]
I think they said Ted Bundy
got caught down in Florida.
He got caught jaywalkin'.
That's how they caught him.
That escalated quickly, huh?
[audience laughs]
Can you imagine that?
You get arrested for jaywalkin'.
They're like, "Hey, by the way,
have you been murdering people?"
[audience laughs]
I think if you've been murdering
a lot of people, maybe go ahead
and go to the crosswalk, you know?
[audience laughs]
You just think you can get away
with anything at that point, y'know?
[chuckles]
You're like, "I've been killin' people.
I'll cross the street whenever I want."
[audience laughs]
"Hey, you don't tell me
when to cross the street."
"I'll kill ya." [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
-[cheering]
-[chuckles] Y'know?
-[audience applauding]
-[Dusty chuckling]
-[scattered cheering]
-[Dusty chuckles]
You know, the problem with drugs is
[audience laughs]
is addiction, right?
That's the problem with drugs, addiction.
'Cause if we're not gettin' addicted,
we're just out here havin' a good time.
-Y'know what I mean?
-[audience chuckles, whoops]
Like, if you could guarantee
I wouldn't get addicted, and I mean this,
if you could guarantee
that I wouldn't get addicted,
I'd try crack.
[audience laughs]
I've always wanted to try it.
Um, seems like my kinda drug.
Y'know, I don't wanna do it a lot,
one or two times.
Well over one time.
-That's all I wanna do it.
-[audience laughs]
-[whooping, applauding]
-That's all I wanna do it.
Well over one time, y'know?
But I don't wanna
I don't wanna be, like,
a crackhead or whatever, y'know?
[scattered chuckling]
So I don't do it.
But imagine they could invent, like,
a non-addictive crack, y'know?
That'd be fun. Like, all the fun of crack
without the baggage, y'know?
Crack that you can do today
but not tomorrow, y'know?
[audience laughs]
Unless you want to, y'know?
At that point, it's up to you really.
It's your choice.
Um but a lotta weed is becoming legal
in a lotta states, y'know,
and they start setting up dispensaries.
So you could start setting up
these crack dispensaries, y'know?
You still make it look like
an old house if you want.
-Y'know, you don't
-[audience laughs]
You don't wanna kill the vibe of crack.
[audience laughs]
You don't wanna ruin
the aesthetic that crack has.
-[chuckling]
-But think about this.
You're at work on Friday,
about to get off work.
You're like,
"I don't really wanna drink this weekend,
but I'd like to have some fun, y'know?"
So, on your way home,
you stop off at the dispensary,
and you get yourself a little rock,
and, uh you go back to the house.
And you don't do it on Friday.
You just kinda rest up.
And then on Saturday, you get up,
maybe go out on the side deck, and, uh
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
You got some cigarettes,
maybe a lightbulb, and, uh
[audience laughs]
You drop that rock in there,
and you fire it up, y'know?
Smoke a little crack out there
on the back porch.
Your neighbor sees you
over the privacy fence.
You're like, "Oh, no." [chuckling]
"It's non-addictive now. This is"
[audience laughs]
"It's not gonna be a problem
in the future, y'know?"
You ride it out on Saturday.
You recover on Sunday.
Back at work on Monday.
Your coworkers are like,
"What you do this weekend?"
You're like, "Y'know what?
I tried crack for the first time."
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles] They go, "Whoa, how was it?"
You're like, "Pretty wild, really.
I wasn't ready."
"Started off pretty smooth,
then I kinda blacked out
and stole a catalytic converter, and"
[audience laughs]
"I don't know why.
I don't even know what it does, y'know?"
-"But"
-[audience laughs]
"I just wanted to get my hands on one!"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
[scattered laughter]
Took it off my own car though, so
[audience laughs]
[Dusty chuckling]
[cheering and applause]
It's a real
It's a real mess out there, y'know?
My driveway's in shambles.
[scattered laughter]
Had to Uber to work today.
[laughter continues]
[Dusty laughs]
Thinkin' about doin' a little crack
this weekend. See
See if I can't get it back on, y'know?
[audience laughs]
It's when I do my best work.
[chuckles]
I had a buddy that did crack one time,
and, uh, he told me it felt like he was
having a heart attack the whole time.
I don't know if he ever did it again,
but the next day,
I had to drive him around
while he pawned a lotta DVDs.
[audience laughs]
So I don't I don't know if there's
a connection there or not, or if
or if he just started hatin' movies
after that, y'know?
[audience laughs]
Just didn't have
the attention span for it after that.
I don't know. [chuckles]
I don't know what it is, but, uh
Okay.
[audience chuckles]
Okay, well, I have kids now.
I have two kids.
-Thank you. And, uh Yeah. Thank you.
-[audience cheering]
I do. I have two kids, and it's the bes--
One of them's a baby.
-Y'know, and I'm well over 40, and, uh
-[scattered chuckling]
Yeah, I like to milk a joke.
Y'know what I mean?
I like a lotta milk jokes,
and I'll milk a joke. And, uh
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause]
Thank you. And, uh, y'know
And I'm over 40.
I remember when my dad turned 40.
It was a big deal.
We were like, "Dang. This guy is old!"
[audience chuckles]
Like, there was a sign in our yard
that said, "Lordy, Lordy, Richard's 40."
[audience laughs]
You're like, "Dang, this guy's
about to die, I guess. I dunno."
[laughter continues]
"He's so old,
the neighborhood's talkin' about it."
But I don't feel old like that, y'know?
I feel good. I feel good.
-But I did get vertigo not long ago.
-[woman] Yeah.
I don't know if you guys know
what that is. Somebody does. And, uh
[audience chuckles]
It's like a real
old-person thing, vertigo.
The main symptom is you just get dizzy.
I think that's the only symptom.
Physically, you're fine.
Just real dizzy, y'know?
You don't see
a lotta young kids with vertigo.
You don't see kids jumpin' off
the merry-go-round, being like, "Ugh!"
"Really activated my vertigo!"
[audience laughs]
Kids like being dizzy. It's fun to them.
It's devastating for an adult.
[audience laughs]
You feel so weak.
Like, physically, nothin' wrong with you.
But inside, you're like,
"Oh, I can't stand."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] "Can't even stare
at the wall, really."
-"Keeps movin'."
-[audience chuckles]
My friends call me up.
"Hey, you wanna go out?"
I'm like, "Nah, I can't.
I'm real dizzy right now."
[audience laughs]
They're like, "What happened?"
I'm like, "I was just sittin' here."
[laughter continues]
"And then I got up."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] "After that,
I was real dizzy, y'know?"
I went to the doctor about it.
And this is a real doctor that I went to.
I want you to know I didn't go through
any doorways made of beads to get there.
-But, uh
-[audience laughs]
[chuckles] But he got
real mystical with me, y'know?
He was like,
"You got these crystals in your ears."
[chuckles] And, uh, he said,
"They get lost in there,
and they get turned around or whatever."
"And you'll get--"
I'm paraphrasin' some. But he said
[audience laughs]
But apparently,
there are crystals in our ears.
At least that's what everybody believes.
That we all have
these crystals in our ears,
and that's what's keeping us balanced.
They weren't able
to present this crystal to me. They
[audience laughs]
They didn't x-ray my head and go,
"You see those crystals there?"
[audience chuckles]
But that's apparently what's happening.
There's crystals in in your ear.
So this is what I think happened.
One time, I was using a Q-tip
to clean my ear,
and I was really getting at it.
[audience laughs]
Pulled the Q-tip out,
there was no more cotton left on the end.
[audience laughs]
I got too into it, y'know?
Just pulled out a stick.
[laughter continues]
I was like, "That can't be right."
[audience laughs]
So I reached in my ear,
and I tried to get it, y'know?
I tried to pull the cotton out,
but I never got the cotton.
I guess my ear sucked it up.
It's like quicksand in there.
[audience chuckles]
So I think when my--
that cotton went down my ear canal,
I think my crystal got lodged up in there
[audience laughs]
and it took it down with it.
I don't know how all this
is connected in my brain, y'know?
I know that one doctor
can do the ear, nose, and throat, y'know?
[audience laughs]
So it must be connected in some way.
One day, I'd like to blow my nose
and be like, "Oh, there's that cotton."
-And, um
-[audience laughs]
[chuckles] pull it out, dig through it,
find my crystal, pop it back in.
Be like, "Boom! I'm back, baby!"
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
[applause subsides]
But until then,
I'm just a little bit dizzy, and, uh
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] have a lotta trouble
on a carousel.
[audience chuckles]
[chuckling] Y'know what I mean?
I don't know how ears work.
I don't know anything about ears.
But I fly a lot, and every time I fly,
it feels like the pressure from the plane
crushes my ear tubes.
And then I have to hold my nose and blow,
and it reinflates the tubes.
I don't know if that's what happens,
but that's what
it feels like is happenin'.
I can't breathe out of my ears, right?
I know that none of us can do that.
That's not something weird with me.
I know that none of us can do that.
But what I'm saying is,
I think I'm close to being able to do it.
[audience laughs]
I think I'm just four or five of these
away from popping that tube,
and then I'm just gettin' fresh air
in through the ears.
[audience laughs]
And that's somethin' I want.
That is somethin' I want.
I wanna be hard to suffocate.
[audience laughs]
You gotta have four hands to get me.
[audience laughing]
[whooping and applause]
[Dusty chuckles]
You wanna do it with a pillow?
It's gotta be a body pillow.
You gotta wrap it all the way around.
Tie it up!
[scattered chuckling]
I wanna get kidnapped and they go,
"He can't We can't suffocate this guy."
"Let him go. Let him go."
[audience chuckling]
[Dusty chuckling]
That is somethin' I want.
That's some-- that's somethin' I'm into.
[scattered laughter]
What if there was
just enough poison in this bottle
that I had to drink
the whole thing to die?
[audience laughs]
At the end of the show,
I take the last sip,
collapse on the stage.
You guys think it's all part of the show,
start filing out,
you go, "What a great show."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] And then you see
the ambulance pull up.
You're like,
"Wow, he's really diggin' into this, huh?"
[audience laughs]
"Gettin' into that bit."
[scattered chuckling]
[Dusty chuckles]
But I like havin' kids.
I'm a big fan of kids.
I never thought I would have kids.
I love it. I think it's the best.
So now I try to encourage
other people to have kids.
I'm always like, "If you don't have kids,
go home tonight and get pregnant."
I'm pushin' it on 'em.
I'm like, "Do it! Do it!"
I was talking to a friend of mine
one night outside a comedy club,
and she was out there smokin' a cigarette,
and, uh, I got her so fired up.
She was like, "Dang,
I wanna have a kid now too," y'know?
She goes, "But then again,
if I get pregnant, I gotta quit smokin'."
And I was like,
"Well, I don't know, y'know?"
[audience laughs]
Like, it's different
for everybody, y'know?
Like, for instance, my sister,
she smoked while she was pregnant,
and it only took her six months
to have a baby.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] Gracias.
Ha. Okay.
[audience cheers]
[Dusty chuckles]
Nah, that is true though. And, um
[audience laughs]
They're fine though.
That was years ago. They're fine.
But I think my sister liked it
at the time, y'know,
'cause the hospital
wanted to babysit for a while, so
[audience laughing]
She got to go back to her trailer
and smoke cigarettes and
[audience laughs]
take care of her diabetes.
[laughter continues]
[Dusty chuckles]
My sister had, like,
the original diabetes, y'know?
I know nowadays
we got a couple of different kinds. Um
And over the years,
we've developed a type 2, y'know,
so we'll call the original "type 1."
But back when I was growin' up,
there was just one kind.
So we didn't call it "type 1."
We just called it "diabetes" or whatever.
I don't know if that's true,
but that is how I remember it.
[audience laughs]
I don't remember there being
a lot of kinds of diabetes back then.
And my sister has the original, y'know?
It felt like nobody in my family
really knew a lot about diabetes, y'know,
'cause we'd be out playin'
when we were kids,
and my sister's blood sugar would get low
or whatever, and we'd be like
And she would kinda zombie out out there.
And we're like,
"Why you being all quiet?" Y'know?
-[audience laughs]
-[Dusty chuckling]
And then she'd go to the hospital.
[audience laughs]
After a while, we realized, you just kinda
shove a Jolly Rancher in her mouth,
y'know, and she
she'd kinda spring back to life.
[audience laughing]
And we're like, "All right, you're up!"
Y'know, "You're pitchin'." It's like
"There's only three of us out here."
"Can't be sleepin'
on the mound like that."
[laughter continues]
[Dusty chuckling]
It's weird how, with diabetes,
like, candy could kill you
but also kinda bring you
back to life, y'know?
-[person coughing]
-It's pretty crazy.
Somebody's suffocatin'
out there right now.
[audience laughs]
Don't know if you heard that, but there is
someone in the audience gaspin' for air.
[laughter continues]
You might check on 'em.
But someone is dyin' in the audience,
so if you wanna check that out.
[laughter continues]
This is a person that needs a CPAP
while they're awake.
[laughter continues]
[Dusty chuckling]
You're chokin' when you're awake.
[audience laughing]
[Dusty chuckling]
You go in to get a sleep test,
they're like,
"We started this when you walked in."
[audience laughs]
[Dusty chuckling]
Okay.
[chuckles] Okay.
-[inhales]
-[scattered laughter]
No, we're havin' a good time though.
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Thank you.
[applause subsides]
We want everybody to breathe, y'know?
[scattered laughter]
It is good.
My sister used to go to the hospital
all the time, y'know?
And, uh, we never got to travel
growin' up, y'know?
So, when you never get to go anywhere,
even going to the hospital
is like a trip, y'know?
So my sister would go to the hospital,
and I'd be like, "I wanna go too," y'know?
"I wanna get out of the trailer park
for a while," y'know?
"I wanna mingle with the city folks."
-[audience chuckles]
-[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
So we'd go down there, and my mom
and sister would do hospital stuff.
And I was a kid. I'd just kinda
play around in the hospital, y'know?
Messin' with the rubber gloves,
blowing 'em up, makin' balloon animals.
Y'know? Mainly, the turkey
is the animal that
[audience laughs]
that I did the best.
[chuckles] Be a lotta turkeys
around that hospital floor.
Really in the way.
Doctors trippin'.
[chuckles] I loved it though.
My my sister would be in a coma,
and, uh
[audience laughs]
I'm putting gloves on my hand,
blowin' it up.
My mom's cryin'.
I'm like, "Look how big my hand is!"
[audience laughs]
It's fun being a kid, you know?
Just oblivious to everything
goin' on out here.
I'm like, "She gonna eat all that Jell-O
or what, man?"
[audience laughs]
"Dang, she's been asleep a long time."
"To be honest with ya, I wouldn't mind
gettin' into that puddin'."
[audience laughs]
[chuckling] It's like,
"Dang, I'm awake!" Y'know?
[laughter continues]
Okay.
[audience chuckling]
My sister, she used to go to the hospital
all the time, not just for diabetes.
She was on a four-wheeler
with her boyfriend,
and they accidentally ran through
a barbed wire fence.
-And, uh
-[audience groans]
Yeah, that's not a full joke, is it?
-That's, uh
-[audience laughs]
[laughs] Okay, they did get pretty hurt.
-And, uh
-[audience laughs]
Another time, my sister, my other sister,
threw a frozen candy bar,
hit my sister in the head.
She had to get ten stitches.
Candy was tryin' to kill her
every time she turned around.
[audience laughs and applauds]
-[Dusty chuckling]
-[audience cheering]
Uh [chuckles] Okay. And, uh
-[awkwardly] Okay. And, uh
-[audience chuckling]
I've had a lotta car wrecks.
I've wrecked a lotta cars. [mumbles]
Been through a lotta cars.
I used to have a 1982 Buick LeSabre.
-[man] Whoo!
-Real big car, used a lotta gas.
It was a good car though.
I used to make this joke at work.
I'd be like, "That car uses so much gas,
I bet it's using gas right now
in the parking lot."
It's a great work joke.
People love that joke.
[audience laughs]
That joke crushes in a Home Depot
break room, I'll tell you that.
[audience laughs]
One guy didn't get it.
He goes, "Hell, you might have a leak."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Nah, I don't think so, but"
I did have a car that leaked
a lotta oil for a while, y'know?
And I like that in a car, y'know?
Like, you leak a little oil,
pour a little in there.
Leak a little oil, pour a little in there.
Never get an oil change.
[audience laughs]
People like, "When's the last time
you changed the oil on this car?"
I'm like, "It's changin' right now."
[audience laughing]
"All right?
This car is efficient here, buddy. Okay?"
I don't have to go down to Jiffy Lube
and get ripped off on an air filter.
[scattered laughter]
I love that.
You go to some oil-change place,
and they pull out this dirty air filter.
I'm like, "Put it back in there!"
[audience laughs]
You see 'em across the shop.
You're like, "Put it back in there!"
"Yeah, it's dirty.
It's workin', man. Okay?"
"Might wanna check that thing
for a hard hat, okay?"
[audience laughs]
-[cheering and applauding]
-[Dusty chuckles]
Okay.
-[breathes deeply]
-[applause subsides]
Before that car, I had a
I had a 1999 Saturn.
Uh, four-door, dark blue, gray bumpers.
Real hot car.
-[audience chuckling]
-[woman] Whoo!
Stick shift, no power steering.
Real hard to drive.
[audience laughs]
Manual everything.
There wasn't a button in that car.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] I flipped it.
I flipped that car.
I used to drink and drive a lot.
I'm not braggin' about it,
but I did used to do it a lot.
And, uh, flipped that car.
I think I did a full roll.
I don't know. I was blacked out.
But I broke off both side mirrors.
So I think that's a full roll, when you
-[audience laughs]
-[mumbles]
But I landed upside down
in some kinda swamp area.
And, uh, I was alone.
Nobody got hurt, y'know?
I crawled out the window,
I lost my glasses and my flip-flops.
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
I was a different guy back then, y'know?
[audience laughs]
I was livin' that salt life.
Y'know what I mean?
-[audience laughing and cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
-Yeah.
-[whooping]
[Dusty chuckles]
Messed around, had one too many margaritas
down at the crab shack.
-And, uh
-[audience laughs]
[chuckling] I lost control.
I'm standin' out in the middle
of the road. It's December.
I'm cold. I'm wet.
I got no shoes. I got no glasses.
And I'm like
I'm about to walk home, y'know?
I didn't know if I'd get in trouble
for leavin' the scene of the accident,
but I knew I'd get in trouble if I stayed.
[audience laughs]
[chuckling]
I was like,
"We gotta get outta here, y'know?"
And this guy pulled up in a van,
and he goes, "Do you need a ride?"
And I was like, "Yes, I do."
[audience chuckles]
He's like, "Is that your car, upside down,
with the headlights
pointed at the woods like that?"
[audience chuckling]
[chuckles] I was like, "What's that?"
[audience laughs]
"Nah, that ain't my car, man."
"But that looks bad though.
Let's get outta here."
[audience laughs]
"We gotta get outta here right now.
Let's get outta here."
And this guy drove me home
in the middle of the night.
And I was so thankful for this guy.
I was like, "I can't believe this guy
just gave me a ride home like that."
I wanted to tip him, y'know,
like he was some sort of Uber driver.
So I just reached in my pocket,
I grabbed whatever money was in there,
handed it to the guy,
and then I went inside and went to sleep.
Next morning, I woke up,
checked my pocket,
all my money was still there.
So I guess I just gave this guy,
like, a lotta receipts.
[audience laughs]
[man] Whoo!
This guy's flippin' through bar tabs.
He's like, "I'm starting to think
it was that guy's car."
[laughter and applause]
-[chuckles] Know what I mean?
-[audience cheers]
Okay.
[audience whooping]
Can you imagine that?
You give a guy a ride home
in the middle of the night like that,
do a nice thing, get to his house,
and he goes,
"Here, take this trash for me too, buddy."
"Yeah, appreciate the ride.
Throw this out though on the way home."
"Yeah, I got a big day tomorrow.
I got a lot goin' on."
"Yeah, I got a big day.
Tryin' to get my life together tomorrow."
"Yeah, I gotta call my insurance company."
"I got a lotta lying to do tomorrow."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
I've wrecked every car I've ever owned,
uh, to some degree, y'know?
Uh, not totaled every car,
but I've wrecked every one of 'em.
And sometimes,
I just destroy the inside of a car.
I've gotten food poison I used to get
food poisoning a lot back in the day.
You ever gotten food poisoning in the car?
No? Maybe that's not
the right way to ask it.
-[audience chuckling]
-Let me ask it like this.
You ever, uh you ever thrown up
on the inside of your own windshield?
[audience laughs and groans]
[Dusty chuckles]
I don't mean hit the dash
and work its way to the windshield.
I mean, windshield first,
splashin' back on the knuckles.
-Y'know what I mean?
-[audience laughs]
[Dusty chuckling]
Okay. It's goin' down
in the vents up there.
[audience laughs and groans]
[chuckles]
I never could defrost well after that,
y'know what I mean?
[scattered laughter]
[blows] You know what I mean.
Okay.
I was feeling sick that day, y'know?
Not real sick.
Like, I wasn't really nauseous.
I just had a lotta sharp,
stabbin' pains in my stomach.
[scattered laughter]
I just kept thinkin',
"Y'know, I just need to"
Well, my stomach
my stomach was real hard, y'know?
Hard in a way
I'd like it to be all the time,
but a lot more swollen than I would like.
And I just kept thinking,
y'know, "I just need to burp."
"If I could just burp,
I would really feel a lot better, y'know?"
I don't like the word "burp."
I know that's a gross word.
I hate the word "burp."
I wish there were a better word, y'know?
Some people will say "belch."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Nah, that's a worse word for"
[laughter continues]
That's what the doctor says.
I went to the doctor.
They were like, "You been belchin' a lot?"
Pff, I'm like, "Honestly, I don't even
drink grape juice, y'know what I mean?"
Okay, that's a good joke though.
-[audience laughs and applauds]
-Ha-ha!
-No, it is a good joke though.
-[scattered chuckling]
I just needed to burp.
I was like, "I just need to burp."
So I stopped, and I got myself a Sprite,
and, uh, I get back in the car.
I'm drivin' down the road,
drinkin' the thirst quencher
[chuckles] and my stomach
starts to rumble a bit,
and I go, "Okay, here we go," y'know?
I'm gettin' excited about it,
'cause I know a burp's comin'.
And a burp is all I need to get me back
to where I need to be, y'know?
I'm startin' to prepare some kinda
post-burp celebration, y'know?
[scattered laughter]
I'm excited about it.
And finally, the burp comes.
And it was so much more than a burp.
I never saw it coming.
It came out like a pressure washer. Right?
I thought I'd cracked the windshield.
[audience laughs]
I was just happy
I had a headrest that day.
I mighta snapped my neck in that car.
[audience laughing]
[scattered whooping]
[chuckles] It was just sheer power, man.
I never seen anything like it.
Not up until that point or after.
It was just an anomaly of an experience.
It was so wild!
-I was on the interstate that day.
-[shocked laughter]
Yeah. But I was in standstill traffic.
Cars all around me.
Middle of the day. Hot day.
Wet heat. Y'know what I mean?
-[audience laughs]
-[man] Whoo!
[audience whooping]
[Dusty chuckles]
I was somewhere in between
Wilmington, North Carolina
and Shallotte, North Carolina.
And, uh, I like to let people know
where I was at
'cause I've been lookin' for somebody
that might have been
on the interstate that day
[audience laughs]
and saw what happened.
I'm looking for a witness.
Y'know what I mean?
Like, I know what it looked like to me.
[audience chuckling]
I wanna know what it looked like
to other people.
[audience laughing]
I wanna know what they saw that day.
How'd it make 'em feel?
What'd it make 'em think about, y'know?
I like to think it was somebody
havin' a rough day.
[scattered laughter]
Some [chuckles]
Just some guy
just sittin' out there in his car,
stuck in five o'clock traffic again.
He's like, "Ugh!"
He's like, "I hate my job."
"I hate my car."
"I'm about to go home. I hate my house."
"I hate my family."
[audience chuckling]
He's like, "My life sucks, man."
And then he looks over
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] He looks over,
and I'm throwing up in my own windshield?
-[laughter continues]
-[man] Whoo!
[chuckles] And he's like,
"Well, it's not that bad."
[audience laughing and whooping]
[Dusty chuckles]
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Right.
Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
[woman] Whoo-whoo!
He's like, "Sure, there are some things
I'd like to change, y'know"
[audience laughs]
"but I'm not throwin' up
in my own windshield
like some kinda loser out here."
[scattered laughter]
I like to think
I changed his life that day, y'know?
Wasn't over for me though. I had to
I had to pull off to the side of the road.
I kept throwin' up.
[chuckles] Nobody stopped to help.
[audience laughs]
Who would though, y'know?
I'll help a stranger change a tire,
but if you're throwin' up like that,
you could be a friend and I'm rollin' up
the windows, lockin' the doors.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] I'm like, "I don't think so.
You handle that on your own. I'm not"
"I'm not getting that on me, y'know?"
I wasn't ready for it. Nobody is, y'know?
I wasn't go I wasn't [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
I wasn't going to the beach
that day, y'know?
I didn't have
a lotta extra towels in the car.
I had four Burger King napkins.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Yeah.
Had to use two of those
to wipe my own mustache.
[audience laughing]
-The smell never goes away.
-[audience groans]
I know that's gross,
but the smell never goes away.
I gave somebody a ride
the next day in that car.
-[audience groans]
-[chuckles] I know.
I was like, "Listen, I'll give you a ride,
but you'll wish you walked,
I'll tell you that."
[audience laughs]
But he was like,
"I just need to pawn a couple of DVDs!"
[audience laughs and applauds]
-[audience cheering]
-[Dusty chuckling]
-[applause subsides]
-"It's not a big deal."
No, the smell never goes away.
I gave somebody a ride
a couple of years later.
-They go, "D'you just throw up in here?"
-[audience laughs]
[chuckles] I go,
"No, it was years ago, but, uh,
seems like it was yesterday, doesn't it?"
I traded that car in.
They drove it off a cliff.
[audience laughs]
Right there in front of me.
They're like, "Don't ever
don't ever bring a car
like this in here again."
"We'll take this one,
but don't you do it again."
"We don't even want that car on the lot."
[scattered laughter]
[chuckles]
"One test-drive
ruined our reputation here."
Nah, that's gross though.
I don't like to do
a lotta gross jokes like that, y'know?
I'm not into a lotta throw-up jokes.
That's not my thing.
I don't like a lotta gross
I don't like a lotta throw-up jokes.
I don't like a lotta fart jokes.
I'm not into that sort of stuff, y'know?
I know a lotta guys that are kinda like
fart in your area, y'know?
And that's a big joke to them.
It's very funny.
That's not my kinda joke, y'know?
If I gotta fart,
I try to go off to the side.
I try to be very discreet
about it, y'know?
But it feels like
no matter where I go to let one out,
somebody pops up.
[audience laughs]
I could go into a closet to let out a few,
somebody will pop up.
"Hey, dude, what's goin' on in here?"
[laughter continues]
"You fartin' in here or what, man?"
"You should get back out
to the party, y'know?"
"Instead of fartin' in here all night."
"Blowin' up all the coats, y'know?"
[laughter continues, subsides]
"You're not supposed to be
breathin' that in, y'know?"
"That's why you're gettin'
all dizzy like that."
[audience laughs]
[Dusty chuckles]
[scattered laughter]
If I fart and somebody walks up to me,
I just go ahead
and let 'em know what happened.
[audience laughs]
I go, "Hey, I just want you to know,
I just farted here, okay?"
[chuckles]
'Cause I would rather
you know that I farted
than leave the conversation
thinkin' I smell like farts.
[audience laughing]
[man] Whoo!
-[Dusty chuckles]
-[man whooping]
"I want you to know
somethin' went down here."
Y'know what I mean?
[chuckles]
"Like, if you'd showed up
about 30 seconds earlier,
it wouldn't be like this."
[audience laughs]
"Or a couple of minutes later,
it'd be clear, y'know?"
"But you happened to come
right when a thing happened."
[audience chuckling]
"I don't want you thinkin'
I smell like this all the time."
I don't know why
I keep farting in elevators.
[audience laughing]
I don't want to, y'know?
I'm not lookin' to do it.
I stay in a lotta hotels,
and I got these long, empty hallways,
practically abandoned hallways,
I can walk down.
I can do whatever I want in there.
Some of these hotels are so bad
I could start a small fire in there
and nobody would know, y'know?
But somehow, I get to that elevator
and my body's like,
"Nah, this is where it's gonna happen."
[audience laughs]
"Yeah, you got your own
little private area here."
"This is where it's gonna happen."
[chuckles]
I did it in an elevator in Vegas one time.
I got on the elevator on the 30th floor.
I was all alone in there.
Passed a little gas, y'know?
Not a big deal,
but you could smell it though, y'know?
[scattered laughter]
I dropped down one floor, to floor 29,
and the doors open up.
Two of the most attractive women
I've ever seen in my life
-[audience laughing]
-[man] Whoo!
were standin' there waitin' to get in.
I just got out.
[audience laughs]
[Dusty chuckles]
I was like,
"Nah, I got business on floor 29."
I'm like, "This 29?"
"Yeah, couldn't find the stairs,
but I'm lookin' for 29."
"This is 29? Yeah, I'm looking for 29."
Like, they'll know it's me, right?
But I'm not gonna ride 29 floors with ya,
hangin' my head in shame.
[audience laughing]
I just feel bad for them
when they get down to floor 28
and the doors open again.
Now they gotta get out.
[audience laughs]
[man whoops]
I get back in on 29
[scattered laughter]
pick them up on 28
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] I'm like,
"Ah, it's a pretty good elevator, huh?"
[laughter continues]
-"What brand is this?"
-[laughter rises]
All right. Hey, thank you very much, guys.
-[raucous cheering]
-I appreciate ya.
You guys were great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[slow country music playing]
[scattered whistling]
-[Dusty chatters inaudibly]
-[cheering continues]
[applause subsiding]
[country music continues]
Mary Jane was climbin' a tree one day,
and this boy ran up,
just looking up her dress.
And Mary Jane's mother said,
"Mary Jane, get down that tree.
That boy's lookin' at your panties."
Mary Jane just laughs and laughs.
She knew she didn't have no panties on.