Dylan & Zoey (2022) Movie Script
1
[soft music]
[woman breathes softly]
[breathes softly]
[water running]
[clock ticking]
[huffs]
[sniffles]
[tapping the keypad]
[sniffles, sighs]
-[clock ticking]
-[sighs softly]
[Dylan] I don't really know
if I could pinpoint,
you know, how exactly
the idea came about.
I think that there was one day,
you know, and admittedly,
this is one of my more
depressing days. [chuckles]
But I was thinking
about the idea
about how a cat has nine lives.
And not in a good way,
but more in, like, thought.
A cat has to live nine lives!
Like, are you
fucking kidding me?
I mean, I--
I barely have the wherewithal
to live one. [chuckles]
I sat with this some more,
and...
-[cell phone dings]
I thought about how I could
create a little show around it.
What eventually came up was,
you know, there is a cat
um, who can't think of a
single reason to live one life,
who is forced to evaluate
every other cat's
wonderful plans
for how they wish to utilize,
like, their... blessing.
Yeah, yeah. Because
that's how society sees it.
Yeah, exactly.
You know, in their society,
you know,
which is not much different
than ours, to be honest.
But, you know,
the majority population, like,
has this concept
of a god who has,
you know,
bestowed upon them, you know,
this gift of nine lives
for a reason compared to,
you know, all the other
inferior creatures.
So it's-- it's basically
the same existential shit
that we go through, just like...
[blows a raspberry]
...nine times it. [chuckles]
-[applause]
-[laughing] This guy gets it.
We'll be right back
to talk with this genius
right here after a break.
From Little Kitty kitty litter.
If you have a little kitty
and he's a bit of a shitter,
use the Little Kitty litter.
[Zoey] Able to breathe
a little bit?
-[exhales deeply]
-[laughs]
I'm glad you texted, by the way.
Yeah, of course.
I thought we were
quickly becoming
the happy-birthday text friends.
Um, so do I need to worry
about anyone coming up to us?
Oh, God, no. I'm a writer.
If anyone outside
that small legion
knows my face, then run,
they're probably a psychopath.
-Fair enough.
-[chuckles]
So, to what do I
owe this pleasure?
What could possibly
bring you out
-to this godforsaken city?
-[chuckles]
A godforsaken
bachelorette party?
Oh, fuck.
-Yeah.
-Sounds fun.
-You mispronounce miserable.
-[laughs]
That bad, huh?
It's just like some
fucking stupid live for the
weekend mentality. It's dumb.
I-- I guess I just hang on
to the whole romanticism
of marriage.
And so the idea
of giving someone
a bachelorette party is,
you know,
their little rite of passage
for their last bit
of fun forever.
It's a nice exchange
for spending a lifetime
not having to be alone.
There's something
different about you,
and I'm just wondering
if it's what I think it is.
Nose job.
Botox, breast implants.
You're not a virgin anymore.
Fuck you. You're fucking not.
-You better give me details.
-No details.
What? A gentleman
doesn't kiss and tell?
More like a gentleman hasn't.
-Oh.
-Yep.
Sorry. Usually just bring
it up right away.
No, that's fine.
I told myself I wouldn't
bring it up because, you know,
I didn't want to be a downer.
[groans] You're not a downer.
This is it.
Fuck off.
[Dylan chuckles]
Ta-da!
[keys jingle]
You, uh...
You want a coffee?
Hmm.
Cool. [taps the table twice]
All right.
[Zoey gasps then speaks softly]
Yes, yes, yes.
You're in for a treat,
by the way.
-[tap running]
-[strums]
-[Zoey] I could use a jolt.
-[Dylan] No, no, no...
This is so much
more than a jolt.
I... I get to brag a little bit.
I got a new Chemex
and burr grinder
and I got Stumptown beans.
God, I forgot
how pretentious you are
-Pretentious?
-My burr grinder.
And Stumpville coffee.
Okay, first of all,
it's Stumptown.
-Yeah, whatever.
-And second of all, I--
There's nothing wrong
with having taste.
[strums slowly]
[birds chirping]
[sighs]
[sighs softly]
[continues strumming]
[Dylan sighs]
[both sigh]
[chuckles]
This tastes like fruit
taking a shit in coffee.
[laughs softly]
That's what coffee is
supposed to taste like.
-No!
-Oh, my God.
You need to get out more.
Mature your palate.
[laughing hysterically]
So, how are you?
-I'm good.
-Oh, God.
-Is that how we're gonna do it?
-All right, all right.
I don't know what you
want me to say.
Well, don't answer me like
you're a fucking bank teller.
Like, "How are you?"
"Good. How are you?
How's your day?"
I honestly think
it's a pointless question.
Like it's fucked if you do,
fucked if you don't.
You know, either I say
I'm good, you know,
and we carry on with a nice
little break from the world.
Or I tell you how I really feel,
and then the mood
turns into a bummer.
Oh, my God, it's not a bummer
if I'm the person
and I'm asking you.
Yeah, but that's the thing.
Hey, everyone says
they want to know,
but then as soon as you tell
them, they're like... [groans]
...because who wants
to spend time
working through
someone else's problems?
Okay, I feel like it depends
on the person, though.
For certain superficial
relationships, hell yeah, 100%.
I don't actually want to know
how you're doing,
but if it's someone
you're close to,
isn't that kind of point?
-Maybe I'm wrong.
-No, you're not wrong. I just--
-[cell phone vibrates]
-[sighs]
-I got to take it.
-I mean--
[chuckles]
Hello?
Yeah, no, no.
I can talk right now.
All right? Hold on a second.
-Let's get you a beer.
-Yeah.
Hold on. Let me get--
Sorry. Let me just get
to my desk real quick.
Okay and--
Uh, yeah, so not you--
All right, I'm ready.
Um, so, uh,
I like the esthetic
of the heavier set one,
so, ballpark, or something.
I was thinking was like,
[Russian accent] Well, I mean,
do you not believes
the father's blessings?
-[chuckles]
-Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, maybe a little bit
too creepy Russian. [chuckles]
Uh-- but I mean--
You know, somewhere
in that range? [laughs]
I-- I got company here though,
so I'll--
We'll talk about this later.
All right. Talk to you. Bye.
-[Dylan groans]
-Wow!
I knew I should've made you
wait outside.
Oh, that's fine. No, it's good.
You're just...
[in Russian accent]
...going to ze hell.
[Dylan laughs]
-Is he based on your priest?
-Ooh. Um--
Okay. Fun little Dylan update.
I love Dylan updates.
I'm not Catholic anymore.
You're not Catholic?
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time
believing this because
last time I was in town,
you made me go to mass with you.
You had fun. You got baked
in my car before we went in.
Couldn't have done it
without it.
Honestly, it made
watching you fascinating.
How long has it been?
I don't know. A couple of years.
How? How?
-How?
-Yeah, how?
[chuckles nervously]
I-- I just stopped believing.
Oh, so you're an atheist?
No, no, no. I believe in God.
Um, I just don't think
of him as the Almighty,
or, you know, the father.
I don't even know if I think of
him as a Him or a being at all.
Maybe just, uh, an energy.
Oh, so you've traded
in Catholicism
for New-Agey bullshit?
Okay. I haven't traded
in anything for anything.
And don't hit me with that
Mercury retrograde bullshit.
[clicks tongue, inhales sharply]
[sighs] Sort of hoped it would
have been the serial pedophilia
that would have done it, though.
[chuckles] Yeah. So fucked up.
And believe me,
I know how awful this sounds,
um, but I was kind of jealous.
What?
Yeah, I mean, look, I
was an altar boy for six years.
I mean, why not me?
You know what was wrong with me?
-Oh, you're sick.
-No, no.
Okay, hear me out. Okay?
If it was inevitable
that I was going to be molested,
why couldn't it be
at the hands of a priest
so I could at least sue
the Catholic Church
instead of my poor
white trash cousin?
I mean, yeah, when you put it
that way, what the fuck?
-Right? [laughs]
-Yeah.
I mean, all I have to show
for eight years of being
molested is the memories.
Hey, you can blow through
settlement money fast,
but memories?
Tell me about it.
Please tell me
you don't still talk to him.
Who? Eric?
No, but I don't really talk
to any of family anymore.
But you would still talk to him?
Yeah.
I don't know. It's that--
[chuckles nervously]
Can I ask you
a personal question?
-[Dylan] Depends.
-You don't have to answer.
Just ask the fucking question.
What did he...
Do?
Never mind.
That's weird to wonder.
-It's-- Nah.
-No, no, no, it's fine.
It's not weird to wonder. Um--
Everything was limited to...
oral.
The first time he did it
it was on my second birthday.
-Fuck, you remember that?
-Earliest recorded memory.
Jesus Christ.
It might be the oldest recorded
memory of a blowjob.
Definitely the earliest
recorded memory
-of a birthday blowjob.
-[chuckles softly]
Hey, tell you what.
Let's talk about something else.
Yeah, fair enough.
-How about that beer I teased?
-Yeah, where is my beer?
Bring me my beer.
["Each Time" by Naiqui playing]
[speaks softly] Nice.
I try to move on
It never subsides
Here I am frozen
Head deep in the tide
The spark for you fades
There's life in my eyes
Lose all common sense
When I fight
And you always hold me closer
You find the perfect timing
[both breathe softly]
That I need to fight it
Say, you always hold me closer
You find the perfect timing
I can never
Find the strength
-That I need to fight it...
-Your turn.
My turn what?
How's the journalism biz?
I quit.
Come again?
I quit.
[chuckles] Do you care
to elaborate?
Um...
-Or not?
-[laughs]
Uh...
I don't know. Um...
Have you ever done something
intending to help people
only to run as fast as you can
in the opposite direction
to save yourself?
No, that's only because I've
given up trying to help people.
-Ha-ha.
-[scoffs]
Man, I was really passionate
when I started out.
I remember.
I should have joined
the Peace Corps.
-Gotten it out of my system.
-[chuckles]
Then what happened?
-It's complicated.
-[sighs]
-Okay...
-I don't know, I--
I felt like when I got into it,
I was so full of idealism
and this nonsense about
what I was going to do
and who I was going to be,
and, you know, you think
the world is getting
more progressive and it is.
But even at
a liberal ass outlet,
I was still facing
the same problems
I would anywhere else.
-Explain.
-Okay, here's a good example.
So one of the older women
who worked there
came up to me
after the first few weeks
and asked me
how everything was going, right.
And so I'm thinking,
Oh, this lady is so sweet
and yada, yada, yada.
You know what she says to me?
She says that I use
too many periods in my email
and that a lot of people
don't like that
because it comes off
as a little abrupt
and unapproachable and in
less euphemistic terms, a bitch.
-[laughs]
-I'm serious.
So I'm sitting there thinking,
"This is fucking ridiculous."
And then she leaves.
But I honestly found myself
starting to
put exclamation points in emails
wherever I could.
And then when I
started realizing
that I was doing that,
I thought, "Fuck this."
If I wasn't a woman,
this wouldn't be the case.
I would just be seen
as decisive and assertive.
-Says the bitch.
-Fuck you, I'm serious,
[laughs] I know, I'm sorry,
but it's fucked up.
And that's not even
the tip of it. I mean--
I think they mean well,
and I know there are
better outlets out there
because I have friends
who work at them,
but at the end of the day,
it's still an old, white dude
who's the publisher.
Still an old, white dude
who's the editor
and then you start getting some
trickle-down diversity to fill
some quotas or some bullshit.
Damn. Tell me
how you really feel.
[clicks tongue] Uh-huh.
So, that's why you left?
No, I mean--
I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it.
Fair enough.
Each time that your love
Keeps pulling me back in
Maybe we should drink in public?
Yeah, this is
fucking depressing.
[laughs]
["Fade Away"
by Modern Eyes playing]
[whispers] I'll be back.
[muffled music]
Sit and love me
As my eyes fade away
And everything's gone gray
[breathes deeply]
[muffled heartbeat]
[muffled music]
[doorknob clicks]
I swear to God
he doesn't like it.
-[woman 1] Every guy likes it.
-No, not Matt.
You guys should have
really taken that class with me.
[woman] I'm not paying
someone to teach...
[indistinct conversation]
[woman 2] By the way, it has
nothing to do with me, okay?
-[woman 3] Good for you.
-[women chuckle]
[woman 2] I give amazing head.
-[woman 4] Yes, I like it.
-[woman 3] You're a biter
[women laugh]
[woman 2] Whoa.
I have never had one complaint.
Actually, I have had
a standing ovation.
[woman 3] A standing ovation
doesn't count if you're
giving it to yourself.
-[women laugh loudly]
-[both laugh softly]
-[woman 4] All of you fuck off.
-[woman 2] You know why
-he doesn't do it?
-You got chronic dry mouth.
[laughter]
[woman 2] Look,
his is fucking huge.
He is a giver.
-He likes to give--
-[Zoey laughs] Oh.
[woman 2] Yes, exactly.
You know what I call it?
The meat bat man.
-[Zoey] Mmm.
-[scoffs]
[Dylan chuckling]
[sighs]
You okay?
Yeah.
Cramps. It's cramps.
[exhales] I like this place.
It's cozy, I dig--
Yeah, perfect company
for drinking alone.
-Run any of these?
-Not a one.
I do own, like, four of them.
[chuckles] And the Japanese
actually have a word for people
who have tons of books
that they've never read.
-It's--
-I--
I used to read a lot,
but I just--
I lost the habit
and I'm definitely
worse off for it, so...
Of course, nowadays everyone's
just on their fucking phones,
so it's pretty hard.
It's probably jarring
looking down
and not seeing it
glowing back up at you.
"Tsundoku."
The habit of buying books,
never reading.
[scoffs] To my nerdy friend.
To my cruel and unusual friend.
[exhales] Ah.
To friends.
-[indistinct]
-To us!
-Batman.
-To meat Batman.
[inhales sharply] Do I get to
hear the spontaneous brilliance?
Um, it's actually an idea
I've
been working on for a while now,
and you reminded me
of it earlier.
And so, you know,
I guess I'm just sort of
caught up in that.
What's the idea, Dyl?
It's called SAM.
It's an acronym
for Socks Against Monogamy.
-Fuck, yeah, I'm hooked.
-Thanks.
Oh, my God. Dylan, elaborate.
[grunts] Okay. You want me
to give you the pitch?
Pitch me. I want the full pitch.
Okay. So,
you know how socks are
hell-bent on getting lost.
You know, like,
it's only a matter of time
before they inevitably get stuck
in the dryer, and, you know,
you're stuck with a bunch
of different single socks?
-Oh, that struggle, honestly.
-[chuckles] Okay.
So, my take is an approach
to their world
where that's, like,
their rite of passage.
They're born the opposite of us,
you know, together from birth.
You know, and their
whole adolescence is built upon
this pretense of separating
when they come of age.
So, like, it's sort of the group
they graduate to.
It's SAM, you know.
But in my story,
there is a pair of socks
that don't want to separate.
You know, they love each other
and they don't understand
why there's this emphasis on
needing to go through life alone
when you can spend it
with another person or a sock.
Sorry. And so
when it's their time
to ceremonially
part in the dryer... [chuckles]
...they decide to say,
"Fuck it,"
and they stay together.
Oh, I like it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Good.
How do they fuck?
[laughter]
-They-- They don't--
-Ah.
That's sort of the beauty of it.
You know, they,
uh, there's nothing physical.
It's just...
companionship.
Or maybe these are
just a few of the reasons
why I'm still a virgin.
You're not the only
28-year-old virgin.
Oh, you guys good?
Doing-- Doing well?
I wanna be everything
Everything to you
I wanna look in your eyes
Without them
Looking right through
Is that too much
To ask of you?
Is that too damn much
To ask of you?
Is that too much
To ask of you?
About the whole
28-year-old virgin thing.
It's cool. I mean...
It's driving me insane.
[laughs]
It's literally on my mind
constantly.
-Yeah, that's all guys.
-All guys want to get laid.
I want to lose my virginity
like a fucking teenager.
It's embarrassing.
It's not even that
big of a deal, Dyl.
Everyone says that, but I think
they take it for granted.
Like, how obsessed they were
about losing their virginity
when they were in high school.
Have you ever thought
about getting a prostitute?
Thought about it. A lot.
-And?
-I'm afraid
it would make me depressed
if I lost it that way.
-It's not precious, Dyl.
-Oh, I know, it's a burden.
[chuckles] I actually--
Here, sit down for this one.
[sighs]
-Oh, what?
-[chuckles]
I, uh--
I actually did go to a special
kind of establishment once.
Oh.
A story with a happy ending,
so to speak.
Oh! The old rub and tug.
Do tell.
Okay. So, my buddy told me
about this place.
There's this joint,
this rundown office building.
So obviously,
I made an appointment
as soon as I got home.
[scoffs] So I get there.
And this super cute
Vietnamese girl,
she escorts me in
and tells me to get ready and...
Oh...
-Well?
-It was great.
-But--
-But?
[groans] I went back
a week later, all right?
Same place, different girl,
still Vietnamese,
still cute, but not happy.
In fact, she was fucking
miserable, you know?
She left the door open
a crack
while I was getting undressed
and I could see her
sucking down a cigarette
with her hand trembling,
you know, and she came back in,
the energy was night and day
different from the first girl,
The first girl was talking
the whole time.
What the fuck
was she even saying?
"You're so big.
You're so hard."
Okay. None of that
from this one?
Nothing. In fact,
not only was she silent,
but she looked off
to the side of me
while she jerked me off.
So I'm obviously in my head
at this point, like, you know,
thinking that I did
something wrong,
you know, it's something
with me, you know?
But then on my drive home,
it hit me, like,
these girls were
probably sex slaves.
I mean, I was sure of it--
I didn't know,
but I was sure of it.
I felt disgusted--
Did you report them?
I stopped at a payphone.
Where the fuck is there
still a payphone, dude?
-7-Eleven on La Cienega.
-[laughs]
At least it was there then.
I even used the made-up voice
and everything.
-[laughing hysterically]
-[Dyl babbling]
[Zoey] You following me?
I actually had a friend who
worked in a parlor
of ill repute.
Actually, no fuck ill repute.
I hold what she does
in very high regard.
She is a dakini.
Tantric massage?
-Sting?
-Yeah.
So my roommate, Sting,
from college was a dakini.
And anyway, I had all
these questions for her,
so finally she told me to just
come in and see for myself.
I mean, not with her,
with another girl.
Dude, this is just
what you need.
-Yeah?
-Yeah, it's wild.
There's this
interesting dichotomy
at play because on one hand,
it's extremely sexy and sensual.
And then on this whole
other level, it's this
deep, deep spiritual awakening.
I'm not overstating anything
when I say
that I walked out of that room
a different person.
How? I mean you had me at sexy,
sensual, spiritual awakening.
[chuckles]
Okay, so you get there.
And she greets you at the door,
and it's like
she's an old friend.
And she just stares at you
and embraces you, not sexually,
but just human touch.
I mean, that's the beauty
of the whole thing, really.
It's all about human touch.
Anyway, she--
she brought me in
and she sat me on the sofa
and she just kind of held me.
Again, a very nurturing way,
you know, asking me
what my loves are,
how my day was, what I did.
And then she told me
to get in the shower,
which is like a spa setup,
so fucking nice.
Anyway, I got in the shower,
I had the shower
and I come out in a bathrobe,
and she's standing there,
naked, stunning.
And she tells me
to go sit on the massage table
cross-legged.
And then she comes
and she sits across from me...
and she just looks at me
with the most serene smile.
And she tells me to match
my breathing to hers, you know?
[inhales deeply]
[exhales softly]
She gets her hand
and she places it on my heart.
And then she gets mine
and she places it on hers.
And we were just sitting there,
just staring at each other.
And I can't guess
how long we were
sitting there for because...
it just felt like
the most blissful eternity.
Just staring at each other,
our eyes...
penetrating into
the depths of the other,
of the universe.
[heart beating]
All our breath felt like
the tide crashing over us.
Wow.
[exhales softly]
Yeah. [chuckles softly]
Tantric massage.
Find a place.
It'll change your life.
I don't know, Zoe.
Do you remember me telling you
about being raped in college?
Gosh.
I completely forgot.
It's fine, whatever, I mean--
I only bring it up
because I know that
that stuff could really just
throw your life off track,
you know?
I mean, we're all snowflakes
in our victimhood or whatever
but it can really
just screw you up, so--
You never told me
if you knew the guy.
Guys, plural. Yeah, I know them.
There were two of them?
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I mean,
doesn't change anything.
[scoffs] The thing that makes me
laugh in a sadistic kind of way
is that I actually
liked them both.
You were friends?
No, not as friends. I mean,
I only just met them, but, uh,
they were cute.
Probably would've
fucked either of them
if they hadn't decided
to rape me first, you know?
God, Zoe. I--
Ah, what are you gonna do?
[cell phone dings]
What?
I forgot a buddy of mine's show.
It's going on tonight.
What kind of show?
He's this musician.
His name's Naiqui.
Like, this whole funk,
soul, whatever.
Is he good?
Yeah, he's incredible. It's just
there's, like, a crapload
of people there and it--
We're good.
We don't have to go.
You're here. It gives me
a perfect excuse. We're good.
[blows a raspberry]
Let's go.
No, I'm saying we don't have to.
No, but I'm saying I wanna.
-No, but--
-Naiqui?
Oh! Oh, my God. Naiqui?
I love Naiqui.
He's my favorite.
Oh, Naiqui!
Naiqui is playing?
In this town tonight?
I forgot I have tickets!
Come on.
Come on, Dyl.
I'm in town for one night.
It's okay
If you're shy
I will take my sweet time
And use my...
-[closes the elevator door]
-[elevator dings]
[motor whirring]
[Naiqui humming]
And I will show you
[elevator stops]
...I won't do
It's okay if you're shy
I will take my sweet time
And use my hands
To ease your mind
And make you feel like
A woman
A woman
A woman
(Make you feel like)
This is how
A woman should feel
And I will show you
Let you down, I won't do
It's okay if you're shy
I will take my sweet time
And use my hands
To ease your mind
And make you feel
Li-i-i-i-i-i-ike
(It's okay if you're shy)
I am gonna be
your wing woman tonight.
It's okay baby
Her.
Imma take my time
Her? Her? Her?
Are you just pointing
at every random girl you see?
Yes.
And make you feel like
Feel, like
It's okay, baby
If you're shy
I will take my
Sweet time
Use my hands
To ease your mind
And make you feel like
Feel like a woman
[cheers and applause]
[cheering]
I was always
The type of person to run
-We're dancing.
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
No fucking way.
Couldn't give much of my time
I guess I had no faith
-Dylan.
I had no faith
Dyl.
So used to my way of things
But you can play that game
You can play too, girl
But I can't leave
If something about you
Makes me want to stay
Hey!
Here we are now
And I really like you
I am feeling your spirit
When I am around you
They way you dress it
Keep those eyes on you, girl
You walk your walk
You know
Everybody wants your pearls
They wanna try it
Isn't this so exciting?
So I didn't bother
I wanna wear your
Pearls!
[faint music]
One thing
That I put it...
[exhaling]
[faint music]
[muffled heartbeat]
I mean I don't mind
What you would say
You got 'em...
[exhales]
You know that I am good
To make you trip
Girl, I go ahead
And I die
I don't think anyone's seen
Pearls as expensive
As yours
If there's nobody
Then tell me...
Never took any classes.
It's crazy, right?
And I really like you
I am feeling your spirit
When I am around you
Who's cool?
Dylan's cool.
...on you, girl
You walk your walk
You know
Everybody wants your...
Pearls
So when
You want...
Hey!
I just wanna wear
Your pearls
I don't think you know
how beautiful it is, baby
Pearls!
Pearls!
Pearls!
Pearls!
-[Zoey shouting]
Pearls!
Pearls!
Pearls!
Pearls!
I say diamonds
Diamonds are
A girl's best friend
Pearls!
Oh, man
I say diamonds
Diamonds are
A girl's best friend
And pearls, oh, man!
Yeah!
I wanna wear your
Pearls!
Life is bueno.
-[Zoe laughs]
-Life is good.
-Life is good.
-[Zoey] Bueno.
-Eye contact.
-[Dylan] Yes.
[chuckles]
Mm. So, how do y'all
know each other?
Oh, God. We've known
each other since we were kids
and all that jazz.
Yep. Pretty much best or,
only friends all throughout
high school. [chuckles]
Uh... [chuckles]
Actually, it was, uh, matching
Halloween costumes
and all that jazz.
One year we went as, um,
gender-swapped
Justin and Britney.
I know my boy looked good
in pigtails and
a little schoolgirl skirt.
-[laughs]
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Red leather Britney.
[whispers]
Get the fuck outta here.
-[laughs] Wait, wait, I have--
-Red leather?
Wait, I have the photo.
-I have the photo.
-You're just hellbent
on embarrassing me
tonight, aren't you?
Yeah, why not?
Not a department
you need help in.
Can't find it.
-Come on, Dyl.
-[Zoey laughs hysterically]
See, this is why
I didn't want to do it.
You were fine.
-[man 1] Hey.
-[Naiqui] My brother.
Man, good job in that, bro.
-Oh, thank you.
-I'm gonna get out of here.
-Oh, you outta here?
-Yeah, man, gotta get going.
Oh, you know what?
Let's all take a picture
for the gram real quick.
All four of us. Come on.
-I look gross. I look gross.
-Nah.
What, you can't be seen
with two brothers in public?
Oh, I'm brown too.
Oh... [laughs] so we are on
different shades now.
I know how you
light-skinned folks see us.
-[Dylan] Okay, for the record--
-[all] No!
[Zoey] You don't get to talk.
Listen, these white people
on that new drug.
-Imma get out of here, bro.
-My man.
-Good show, man.
-Thank you, brother.
Yes sir.
[sighs] This is so good, man.
It's so good you guys
kept in contact all those years.
[Dylan sighs]
[Zoey laughing]
-[Dylan chuckles]
-That's it?
[Dylan laughs]
Thank you, bye.
[Dylan inhales deeply]
-[car horn honks]
-Oh, hey.
[heartbeat thumping]
[Dylan sighs deeply]
[keys rattle]
[lock clicking]
[sighs]
-Tsundoku.
-Hmm.
[opens the fridge]
Do you want something to drink?
Uh, no.
I actually have to get up early,
so I'm just going
to order an Uber.
Look--
I want to apologize.
I know I've been MIA for
a while now, and I feel bad.
That's okay.
[chuckles]
That's okay?
What?
Nothing.
I mean-- [exhales]
It's just--
I-- I don't mean
to be an asshole, but
does the phone
not work both ways?
I don't get it.
Did you just say sorry
so that you would
hear me say sorry?
No, that's not why I said sorry.
So then it's all on me?
No, it's not-- [chuckles]
It's just--
I tried.
Okay? I call. You never
called back or even texted.
Okay, so, like, did you try
or were you MIA, Dyl?
Which one was it?
Or were you saying you were MIA
because you were commenting
on the fact that I was MIA,
and you're doing your Dylan
passive-aggressive bullshit?
[sighing]
Are you shutting off now?
We're not having this talk?
Okay, cool. Great, cool.
Then I am the dick. Cool.
Awesome. Great.
I just want to let you know
that the only reason
we're together
is because I reached out.
Oh... [scoffs] Thank you.
-[sarcastically] You're welcome.
-[scoffs]
This is ridiculous.
-No, shit.
-Well, I'm sorry.
Why are we fighting right now?
Why are we fighting,
were we having a good time?
Yeah, we were,
but that's the problem.
You know, if we
enjoy each other so much,
why did we stop talking?
-I-- I don't know.
-You wanna know my theory?
Sure.
Hmm. [inhales deeply]
[rubs his palms]
I think you got tired of me.
I think you started
to look at me
as sort of a burden
to hang out with,
because I always went to you
with my problems.
And so when I picked up on that,
I stopped going to you
with my problems.
And when that happened,
I don't think you knew
what to do anymore,
because I think you liked it.
-You think I liked it?
-Yep.
Unbelievable. Oh, my God.
-Fuck you.
-Wow! [laughs sarcastically]
Fuck you. You know what?
You want to have a
whole pity party about this
because you're such a downer
when the reality is,
that's not even a fucking issue.
Then for Christ's sake,
Zoey, what is it?
It's the fact that--
that you won't indulge
in anyone else's problems
-but your own.
-[scoffs]
[laughs]
Oh. Yeah, that's good.
Typical Zoey.
Grab your stuff. Walk away.
I'll talk to you
in another couple of years.
Oh, yeah? Cool. I'll give you
your birthday text, dude.
Don't bother using
exclamation points
because we both know
it's not the punctuation
that makes you a bitch.
[sniffles] Hey, do you
remember me telling you being--
[huffs] Fuck.
[sighs in disappointment]
[car door opens]
[car door shuts]
[insects chirping]
I know you care, Dylan.
You're the kindest person
I've ever met, but... [scoffs]
Fuck, if you aren't
a selfish asshole sometimes.
You think I got tired of you?
I love you.
You're my favorite
fucking person in the world.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
-You don't have to do that.
-Zoey.
[breathes deeply]
I'm sorry.
I guess I just got scared.
[scoffs]
I didn't want to keep spending
the rest of the night
pretending everything's good
and we're happy when...
I don't know if come tomorrow,
everything's just going
to go back to how it was.
I get it.
-You're not a bitch.
-[laughs softly]
But you do use too many periods.
[both laugh softly]
-You are passive-aggressive...
-[chuckles]
...but like everyone's
passive-aggressive, so...
[chuckles]
What would you say...
to a little...
peace joint?
[Zoey strumming ukulele]
[scatting]
I'mma bash you over the head
with that fucking thing.
See, this is why
you're still single.
[gasps] Yes. Yes.
[speaking in a rough voice]
Oh, my God. It's so cold.
[sighs, inhales sharply]
-Well?
-I didn't even know
you still played that thing.
Play is a strong word,
but yeah, I fuck around.
Does fucking around mean
you have a song?
[chuckles] Oh.
You do have a song.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-Oh, my God. I knew it.
It's stupid.
Doesn't even make sense.
Fuck that. I want to hear it.
Yeah, the lyrics
are, like, weird.
Oh, my God. Zoey? I love Zoey.
She's the best.
-Touch?
-[chuckles]
[Zoey clears throat]
-Just play it.
-I can't. Okay.
I'm mentally preparing.
[clears throat]
I can't see myself
Too clearly
It's just
Fragmented bits of me
I look
Like a fucking Picasso
Why is my left eye
Where my cheek should be?
And my...
Brain is like
A Jackson Pollock
Just scattered chaos
In my mind
It's a
Fucking sort of violence
Sort of pretty
But it's all right
Because then other days
It's like Van Gogh's
Starry nights
And the paint strokes
Soothe my mind
Whirling clouds
And shining stars so bright
And it's all right
Until I cut off my ear
And start bleeding
Profusely all over
the living room floor
Oh, my God, I'm bleeding
Oh, my God
I'm getting kind of dizzy
I think I'm gonna throw...
I think I want to...
But it's all right
Because I
Have another day
[continues strumming]
I love it.
I dunno what
the second part is though.
Zoey.
I love it.
[sniffles] Grab a handful.
Are you--
You know it.
They taste better at the movie.
-Sh. This is my favorite scene.
-[laughs]
Mm. Mm?
Mm. Mmm.
I can't believe
this is where you live.
And write and masturbate.
That's it?
-I sleep sometimes too. [laughs]
-Huh.
Hey, do you ever wonder
why some porn categories
are more popular than others?
-There's a segue.
-[laughs]
[coughs] Oh, you mean, like--
[inhales sharply]
You mean, like, anal?
Yeah, but like, that's not
even the top three,
I don't think.
[coughs then laughs]
What is it about anal
that does it for people anyway?
And this is asking
as a completely ignorant virgin.
I mean--
-Have you done it?
-Yeah, I've done it.
-[anxious laugh] Why?
-No. [laughs]
I don't know. It feels good.
To get your ass torn open?
[stutters] Doesn't it hurt?
Okay. First of all,
this isn't Alien.
[both laugh]
And it's a good pain.
Can you even cum that way?
I mean, it's hard,
but the point of sex
isn't necessarily to cum.
I mean,
it's wonderful if you do,
but that's not what it's
all about. I don't think.
Anyways, yes,
I have cum from anal.
I don't do it all the time.
Maybe once in a while, but...
it's such a hassle though.
Ugh. I mean if you
want to do it right,
and not get mess anywhere.
Mess?
Take a wild guess.
-[groans]
-[laughs]
Okay. Calm down, virgin.
There are going to be
some weird shit sometimes.
Sometimes, literally.
-No, no, no, no.
-[laughing continues]
Oh, my God.
You're going to love it.
Okay. [inhales deeply] Okay.
[grunts] Okay. So one of
the first times I tried it, um,
I, uh-- I didn't understand
the importance
of the whole prep process.
-There's a prep process?
-Of course.
-There's a prep process.
-[chuckles in amusement]
What-- What would you even do?
I don't know. You, like,
do shit or whatever you like.
You go to the pharmacy,
you get an enema,
you stick it up your butt,
you make sure
you have a lot of fibres,
so you're regular,
hydrated, and whatever.
Yeah, there's a prep process.
Anyways, idiots like me
have to learn that the hard way.
I did it with my boyfriend
at the time.
Nice guy.
Scared of even trying it,
-but curious
-Of course.
I mean, I was too.
I hadn't ever tried it before.
Anyways.
So we go to the shower
because we think that's
the smartest thing to do
in case anything goes wrong.
And thank God, we did,
because we were 100% right.
Anyways, so he puts it in
and we start slowly
because side note,
anal will make any guy's dick
feel at least 73% bigger.
-Noted.
-So he's...
fucking me in the ass. [giggles]
[both laugh]
He's got this smile
plastered on his face.
God bless him
And I'm enjoying it
more than I had anticipated.
But I'm also feeling this
weird sensation or whatever.
[inhales deeply] And being
the nice guy that he was,
when he noticed this,
he did the nice thing
and... [pops her mouth]
...pulled out.
Which is when I...
-shit everywhere.
-[groans]
I know, I know, I know.
I know, I know, I know.
And I will never forget
the shriek
-that he let out like--
-[shrieks]
And all the while, I'm still
releasing mind you
and I'm profusely apologizing
and I'm maneuvering my body,
so at least
I'm missing his legs.
No, I can't. That's--
-That's fucking wild.
-Oh, my God.
I mean, weren't you embarrassed?
[laughs] Of course. Are you
kidding me? I was mortified.
I was traumatized.
I never wanted to do it again.
-And we didn't.
-Obviously.
You see, that's the thing.
Not obviously.
I firmly believe that the person
you're meant to be with
is the one that you
can literally shit on
and they still love you.
Which is like weird,
and fucked-up or whatever,
but that's the comfort.
At least for me,
that I feel
is necessary to have
a successful relationship,
especially when it comes to sex.
I mean, sex is like the
messiest thing you'll ever do.
It can smell,
people have disturbing faces,
like you can fart,
you can queef, whatever,
I mean, but at the end of it,
that person still loves you
even if you
don't make them cum.
I mean, if you make them
cum consistently,
they'll probably
love you forever, but...
I think that just
comes along with
being vulnerable and comfortable
with that person
in that relationship.
That's when you get
to ride that sweet spot...
of fucking sometimes
and making love most times.
Here I was just hoping
for missionary.
Oh, come on.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Okay. You're telling me
that when you're
sitting at home alone
with a bottle of lube,
watching porn,
that you're clicking
on the search bar
and you're typing in "vanilla"?
First of all, I rarely
let my lube watch porn.
Yeah, whatever.
You know what I mean?
-What do you watch?
-Uh...
Oh, come on.
I just showed you mine.
You're not going to show me
yours? What is it?
-I don't know--
-Bondage.
[chuckles nervously]
-Hentai. Gay porn.
-I--
-What?
I think it's funny how,
you know, girls can talk
about how they watch
lesbian porn,
and it's not
a big deal, you know?
It's like, "Oh, yeah,
that makes sense.
You know, that's hot."
But when a guy talks
about watching other guys,
and it's like,
"Hmm. Wait a minute.
Are you sure you're not gay?"
I think that's how
some people see.
-But not all people.
-But... [stutters]
-A majority.
-Okay, yeah.
But see that's the problem.
We all play this game
of hush-hush
and pretend when it
comes to sex and porn
and that just makes
everyone feel guilty
when they go home
and they watch it in private,
which is bullshit.
I mean-- I guarantee you--
I guarantee you
that if some hacker group
came out
and released
everyone's search history,
made it public information,
the world will be
a much happier place.
And I don't disagree.
Which is why I'm telling you
I'm not judging you.
So feel free to personally
unload your burden.
It's not like
it's some big deal.
Okay? It's not some crazy burden
like you're making it out to be.
Do you watch gay porn?
-I--
-Okay, so you watch gay porn.
[sighs] Okay. Okay.
Yes.
I have watched gay porn before.
And admittedly... [sighs]
I still watch it
from time to time.
Okay? Not a significant
percentage, but...
I still watch it all the same.
-Are you gay?
-No!
See, that's what
I'm talking about.
I'm proving your point, idiot.
I'm saying
that you get to decide
what you are
because ultimately
you're the only one who knows
who you want to be with.
Yeah, but it's not that simple.
I mean, Jesus. Like, my first,
my only sexual experiences
are with a guy.
You know, part of me can't help
but see men sexually.
And I don't know, I don't--
I don't mean to get all nature
versus nurture.
No, I get it.
[sighs]
[scoffs softly]
Sometimes I wish I was gay.
Meaning, if I was...
that would explain so much.
You know, it would mean that
I'm not scared or embarrassed.
I'm just gay.
You know, I'm not into women.
But I am.
-Into women?
-Yes.
Obsessively. Like, exclusively.
Except for those
few revved-up moments.
And, you know, I'm
always dreaming up
some fucking fairy tale for me
and every pretty woman I see,
you know?
But then there are
those other moments
and I get all confused
and fucked up.
Okay, well,
that's why I'm sitting here.
And I'm telling you
that you're
totally normal, Dylan.
I love you and I accept you.
All of you.
[sniffles]
You know what is fucked up?
Even if I was gay...
I would have to deal with
not only the prejudices
that already exist,
but also my own psyche.
You know, wondering
if I'm only gay
because I was molested.
I mean--
Fuck. [scoffs]
[sighs deeply]
Hey.
Did you ever see
that documentary
a couple of years back?
The Act of Killing,
you know, about those dogs
from the Indonesian genocides,
recreating their atrocities?
[inhales] Oh yeah,
that was insane. Hard to watch.
You know, in the end, when...
the main guy is watching
the film and he expresses
maybe not regret, but...
at least some sense
of understanding of
the pain he inflicted. I--
I felt some strange
sense of hope.
Like, you know, if a monster
like that can acknowledge,
even in some small way
that why he did hurt people,
then maybe there's
some hope for humanity.
You know, like,
if people can learn, then,
you know, they can change.
Then I start thinking
of the millions of victims,
you know, the dead,
the murdered.
Like, what are they
supposed to learn?
How do they change? You know?
You know, when you die
or your parents die,
like, how do you change,
you know?
Or when you're raped
or molested,
how do you move on?
I mean, people do,
so I'm told. I mean,
I'd love to know how because I
still can't figure it out.
I mean, you know...
[exhales]
All I can see is
my piece of shit cousin
is married with kids,
living his fucking life,
and-- and-- and that's fine.
You know, I don't--
I-- [stutters] I'm serious.
I don't begrudge him
his life. I just--
I hope he feels such crippling,
fucking guilt.
I hope every day
is a brutal struggle
with shame and fear and regret.
And I hope--
I hope he suffers every day
of his miserable
fucking life like I do.
[stutters] If I could move on,
then by all means,
I wish him the same.
But until then...
Fuck him.
He's moved on.
He probably has.
Of course, he has.
You should too.
[inhales deeply then exhales]
[sighs deeply]
[chuckles in amusement]
[chuckles]
I had a friend...
Tell me once...
She said...
"You know who has victimized you
the most in your life?
You."
She said, "Your cousin
stopped molesting you
when you were ten and...
you've picked up
the baton ever since."
And...
it knocked me out.
[scoffs]
I knew she was right, but
fuck, if it didn't hurt,
you know, like,
realizing that all that misery,
all those years of pain,
I did it to myself, you know?
And if I want it to stop,
you know,
I have to be the one
that stops it.
Like, I have to--
I have to be the one.
And I can't.
I-- I can't. I want to so badly,
but I just--
-Why not?
-I don't know.
-Yes, you do.
-I can't. I--
-Come on. Take control.
-I-- [stutters] I just--
-You are in control.
-[sighs]
Okay? You know that, right?
You are the one
who gets to decide
how you want to live your life.
What is it going to take?
What does it change?
I-- I've thought this over
so many fucking times.
If-- If I could just get
rid of this fucking...
[grunts deeply]
You know, if I could just
get rid of this-- this fucking,
you know, and move on, you know,
and be normal, you know?
And for the first time
in my life,
not hate myself
for not being normal.
I could let it go.
I think I could, you know?
But-- And I know.
I know, I know.
I need to just stop
skirting around the edges
with these massages
and just get a prostitute
and just get it over with.
-Do you want to take care of it?
-Yeah, I do.
-I really fucking do.
-Yeah?
Yeah, I-- I'm so sick of this.
Then let's.
Let's?
Take care of it.
-Are you saying...
-Yeah.
Are you serious?
[sighs softly]
Do you want to go back
to your place?
[gasps]
[chuckles shakily]
Oh, I am so embarrassed.
Hey, hey.
No more embarrassment, okay?
Okay.
[water running]
[insects chirping]
[water running]
[breathes deeply]
[breathes deeply]
[clatter]
[exhales in nervousness]
-[Zoey exhales]
-[both chuckle]
[Dylan groans]
Oh, you don't have to do that
if you don't want.
I want to.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay.
[nervously] Okay. Okay.
-[Dylan] Okay?
-Yeah, okay.
Okay.
[Dylan exhales]
-Zoey?
-I can't, I can't, I can't...
[Dylan] Okay. It's okay.
-Zoey, are you okay?
-Yeah.
-Are you okay?
-Okay.
-Okay.
-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-No, no... I just--
-No, no, no, it was too much.
-I understand.
-No, no, no, no. It's--
It's not that.
It's um... [sniffles]
It's-- It's complicated.
It's just complicated.
Fuck.
You can talk to me.
Okay.
[sniffles, gulps]
[cries]
[voice breaks] Uh, so...
about a year ago,
I was working the night shift
at this bar on Colfax because...
[inhales shakily]
...entry-level journalist
salaries
don't exactly pay the rent
in Denver, you know?
I noticed this guy
in the coal section one night...
and he kept coming
in more and more.
And I was aware of him
because he was cute...
and he would stare at me.
[speaks softly]
I thought it was really sexy.
One night for the first time,
he sat in my section.
And again
he didn't say anything.
He would just--
He just stared at me.
And I thought that was weird.
I told him, I'd give him
some time
and I walked down
the staff hallway to my locker.
[exhales deeply]
I still remember
the pain of my knees
bearing down on the cracked
tiles of the bathroom floor.
I could feel everything
and I can feel it.
I can feel it now.
It's this--
It's like this phantom pain,
you know, that comes in waves.
And I remember everything.
You know, like, he... [gasps]
He had his hand over my head.
And I was struggling
to move it away,
not because I believed I could
actually do anything about it,
but because he had my head
right next
to the toilet plunger.
[crying] And I felt
really nauseous
and I didn't know
if I was feeling nauseous
because of what was happening
or because of
the fucking plunger.
And I wanted to scream,
but I couldn't really scream
because my voice just
disappeared into nothing.
I tried not to feel anything,
but that didn't work.
I just really wanted to go numb.
I can just switch off.
But my knees hurt really bad,
so I focused on my pain.
Focussed on my pain
from my knees,
like a mantra, you know?
Like, you just--
Like you use your pain
to mask your pain.
[panicked suppressed laughter]
[speaks softly] Zoey, I...
[chocking] Fuck. I am so sorry.
No. No, no, no. Hey, hey.
Don't be. I am sorry.
That's why I quit my job.
[sniffles] That's why
I stopped seeing you.
That's why I stopped seeing
everyone. I just retreated.
The worst part is--
I mean, there's a lot of
worse parts, but... [sniffles]
...it's thinking of college.
What happened in college.
I used to never
really think about it
or I compartmentalized it enough
to just, like, live my life
and get along
with it.
But now I think
about it all the time.
Now it's just running through
my mind all the time, every day.
Like, they're just,
like, little details of
that night that just
go through my mind
or, like, smells and stuff,
like, I can't walk
down the street
and smell a guy's cologne
without feeling sick.
I'll run through that night,
I was flirting with them,
which is fucking normal,
you know?
You're flirting with people and
then I decided to make out
with one of them
and the other one
was just, like, hovering,
and I thought that he would just
take the hint and...
just go away, but he--
Because I'd already
made my decision, but...
I didn't know that they
already decided
what was going to happen.
Then I see myself
giving in because, maybe,
it doesn't have to be that
if I give in,
if I let it happen,
it doesn't have to be that.
-Did I let it happen?
-No, you didn't.
[shudders]
I don't know, man.
-Did I let it happen?
-You didn't let it happen.
Shit. Dyl, if I
can't outrun that,
what the fuck am I
going to do with this one?
Zoey, I--
I don't even know
where to begin.
It's fine. Bah!
[chuckles shakily]
I'm sorry I loaded on you.
[babbles]
-Are you kidding?
-[chuckles shakily]
Thank you.
Zoe...
-[chuckles nervously]
-[sniffles]
[speaks softly] It's okay.
I'm sorry I broke down tonight.
If--
You know, if you felt like
you had to do this all for me.
If I brought all this up--
No, you didn't bring up anything
that wasn't already
at the surface.
[inhales then exhales]
Dyl, I have
to break through this.
[speaks softly]
I need to... I...
I need you.
I need someone I can trust...
because I'm terrified
of everyone else right now.
I can't go on feeling like this.
Hmm?
I know you understand that.
I do.
So, we're good.
So, if I just cry
or freak out or whatever,
-I'll start crying too.
-[laughs]
[Zoey inhales deeply]
What?
-What?
-Sit with me.
[Zoey sniffles]
[Dylan inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
[heartbeat thumping]
[inhales deeply]
[exhales softly]
[Zoey inhales deeply]
[exhales softly]
[both inhale deeply]
[both exhale deeply]
[soft music]
[woman breathes softly]
[breathes softly]
[water running]
[clock ticking]
[huffs]
[sniffles]
[tapping the keypad]
[sniffles, sighs]
-[clock ticking]
-[sighs softly]
[Dylan] I don't really know
if I could pinpoint,
you know, how exactly
the idea came about.
I think that there was one day,
you know, and admittedly,
this is one of my more
depressing days. [chuckles]
But I was thinking
about the idea
about how a cat has nine lives.
And not in a good way,
but more in, like, thought.
A cat has to live nine lives!
Like, are you
fucking kidding me?
I mean, I--
I barely have the wherewithal
to live one. [chuckles]
I sat with this some more,
and...
-[cell phone dings]
I thought about how I could
create a little show around it.
What eventually came up was,
you know, there is a cat
um, who can't think of a
single reason to live one life,
who is forced to evaluate
every other cat's
wonderful plans
for how they wish to utilize,
like, their... blessing.
Yeah, yeah. Because
that's how society sees it.
Yeah, exactly.
You know, in their society,
you know,
which is not much different
than ours, to be honest.
But, you know,
the majority population, like,
has this concept
of a god who has,
you know,
bestowed upon them, you know,
this gift of nine lives
for a reason compared to,
you know, all the other
inferior creatures.
So it's-- it's basically
the same existential shit
that we go through, just like...
[blows a raspberry]
...nine times it. [chuckles]
-[applause]
-[laughing] This guy gets it.
We'll be right back
to talk with this genius
right here after a break.
From Little Kitty kitty litter.
If you have a little kitty
and he's a bit of a shitter,
use the Little Kitty litter.
[Zoey] Able to breathe
a little bit?
-[exhales deeply]
-[laughs]
I'm glad you texted, by the way.
Yeah, of course.
I thought we were
quickly becoming
the happy-birthday text friends.
Um, so do I need to worry
about anyone coming up to us?
Oh, God, no. I'm a writer.
If anyone outside
that small legion
knows my face, then run,
they're probably a psychopath.
-Fair enough.
-[chuckles]
So, to what do I
owe this pleasure?
What could possibly
bring you out
-to this godforsaken city?
-[chuckles]
A godforsaken
bachelorette party?
Oh, fuck.
-Yeah.
-Sounds fun.
-You mispronounce miserable.
-[laughs]
That bad, huh?
It's just like some
fucking stupid live for the
weekend mentality. It's dumb.
I-- I guess I just hang on
to the whole romanticism
of marriage.
And so the idea
of giving someone
a bachelorette party is,
you know,
their little rite of passage
for their last bit
of fun forever.
It's a nice exchange
for spending a lifetime
not having to be alone.
There's something
different about you,
and I'm just wondering
if it's what I think it is.
Nose job.
Botox, breast implants.
You're not a virgin anymore.
Fuck you. You're fucking not.
-You better give me details.
-No details.
What? A gentleman
doesn't kiss and tell?
More like a gentleman hasn't.
-Oh.
-Yep.
Sorry. Usually just bring
it up right away.
No, that's fine.
I told myself I wouldn't
bring it up because, you know,
I didn't want to be a downer.
[groans] You're not a downer.
This is it.
Fuck off.
[Dylan chuckles]
Ta-da!
[keys jingle]
You, uh...
You want a coffee?
Hmm.
Cool. [taps the table twice]
All right.
[Zoey gasps then speaks softly]
Yes, yes, yes.
You're in for a treat,
by the way.
-[tap running]
-[strums]
-[Zoey] I could use a jolt.
-[Dylan] No, no, no...
This is so much
more than a jolt.
I... I get to brag a little bit.
I got a new Chemex
and burr grinder
and I got Stumptown beans.
God, I forgot
how pretentious you are
-Pretentious?
-My burr grinder.
And Stumpville coffee.
Okay, first of all,
it's Stumptown.
-Yeah, whatever.
-And second of all, I--
There's nothing wrong
with having taste.
[strums slowly]
[birds chirping]
[sighs]
[sighs softly]
[continues strumming]
[Dylan sighs]
[both sigh]
[chuckles]
This tastes like fruit
taking a shit in coffee.
[laughs softly]
That's what coffee is
supposed to taste like.
-No!
-Oh, my God.
You need to get out more.
Mature your palate.
[laughing hysterically]
So, how are you?
-I'm good.
-Oh, God.
-Is that how we're gonna do it?
-All right, all right.
I don't know what you
want me to say.
Well, don't answer me like
you're a fucking bank teller.
Like, "How are you?"
"Good. How are you?
How's your day?"
I honestly think
it's a pointless question.
Like it's fucked if you do,
fucked if you don't.
You know, either I say
I'm good, you know,
and we carry on with a nice
little break from the world.
Or I tell you how I really feel,
and then the mood
turns into a bummer.
Oh, my God, it's not a bummer
if I'm the person
and I'm asking you.
Yeah, but that's the thing.
Hey, everyone says
they want to know,
but then as soon as you tell
them, they're like... [groans]
...because who wants
to spend time
working through
someone else's problems?
Okay, I feel like it depends
on the person, though.
For certain superficial
relationships, hell yeah, 100%.
I don't actually want to know
how you're doing,
but if it's someone
you're close to,
isn't that kind of point?
-Maybe I'm wrong.
-No, you're not wrong. I just--
-[cell phone vibrates]
-[sighs]
-I got to take it.
-I mean--
[chuckles]
Hello?
Yeah, no, no.
I can talk right now.
All right? Hold on a second.
-Let's get you a beer.
-Yeah.
Hold on. Let me get--
Sorry. Let me just get
to my desk real quick.
Okay and--
Uh, yeah, so not you--
All right, I'm ready.
Um, so, uh,
I like the esthetic
of the heavier set one,
so, ballpark, or something.
I was thinking was like,
[Russian accent] Well, I mean,
do you not believes
the father's blessings?
-[chuckles]
-Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, maybe a little bit
too creepy Russian. [chuckles]
Uh-- but I mean--
You know, somewhere
in that range? [laughs]
I-- I got company here though,
so I'll--
We'll talk about this later.
All right. Talk to you. Bye.
-[Dylan groans]
-Wow!
I knew I should've made you
wait outside.
Oh, that's fine. No, it's good.
You're just...
[in Russian accent]
...going to ze hell.
[Dylan laughs]
-Is he based on your priest?
-Ooh. Um--
Okay. Fun little Dylan update.
I love Dylan updates.
I'm not Catholic anymore.
You're not Catholic?
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time
believing this because
last time I was in town,
you made me go to mass with you.
You had fun. You got baked
in my car before we went in.
Couldn't have done it
without it.
Honestly, it made
watching you fascinating.
How long has it been?
I don't know. A couple of years.
How? How?
-How?
-Yeah, how?
[chuckles nervously]
I-- I just stopped believing.
Oh, so you're an atheist?
No, no, no. I believe in God.
Um, I just don't think
of him as the Almighty,
or, you know, the father.
I don't even know if I think of
him as a Him or a being at all.
Maybe just, uh, an energy.
Oh, so you've traded
in Catholicism
for New-Agey bullshit?
Okay. I haven't traded
in anything for anything.
And don't hit me with that
Mercury retrograde bullshit.
[clicks tongue, inhales sharply]
[sighs] Sort of hoped it would
have been the serial pedophilia
that would have done it, though.
[chuckles] Yeah. So fucked up.
And believe me,
I know how awful this sounds,
um, but I was kind of jealous.
What?
Yeah, I mean, look, I
was an altar boy for six years.
I mean, why not me?
You know what was wrong with me?
-Oh, you're sick.
-No, no.
Okay, hear me out. Okay?
If it was inevitable
that I was going to be molested,
why couldn't it be
at the hands of a priest
so I could at least sue
the Catholic Church
instead of my poor
white trash cousin?
I mean, yeah, when you put it
that way, what the fuck?
-Right? [laughs]
-Yeah.
I mean, all I have to show
for eight years of being
molested is the memories.
Hey, you can blow through
settlement money fast,
but memories?
Tell me about it.
Please tell me
you don't still talk to him.
Who? Eric?
No, but I don't really talk
to any of family anymore.
But you would still talk to him?
Yeah.
I don't know. It's that--
[chuckles nervously]
Can I ask you
a personal question?
-[Dylan] Depends.
-You don't have to answer.
Just ask the fucking question.
What did he...
Do?
Never mind.
That's weird to wonder.
-It's-- Nah.
-No, no, no, it's fine.
It's not weird to wonder. Um--
Everything was limited to...
oral.
The first time he did it
it was on my second birthday.
-Fuck, you remember that?
-Earliest recorded memory.
Jesus Christ.
It might be the oldest recorded
memory of a blowjob.
Definitely the earliest
recorded memory
-of a birthday blowjob.
-[chuckles softly]
Hey, tell you what.
Let's talk about something else.
Yeah, fair enough.
-How about that beer I teased?
-Yeah, where is my beer?
Bring me my beer.
["Each Time" by Naiqui playing]
[speaks softly] Nice.
I try to move on
It never subsides
Here I am frozen
Head deep in the tide
The spark for you fades
There's life in my eyes
Lose all common sense
When I fight
And you always hold me closer
You find the perfect timing
[both breathe softly]
That I need to fight it
Say, you always hold me closer
You find the perfect timing
I can never
Find the strength
-That I need to fight it...
-Your turn.
My turn what?
How's the journalism biz?
I quit.
Come again?
I quit.
[chuckles] Do you care
to elaborate?
Um...
-Or not?
-[laughs]
Uh...
I don't know. Um...
Have you ever done something
intending to help people
only to run as fast as you can
in the opposite direction
to save yourself?
No, that's only because I've
given up trying to help people.
-Ha-ha.
-[scoffs]
Man, I was really passionate
when I started out.
I remember.
I should have joined
the Peace Corps.
-Gotten it out of my system.
-[chuckles]
Then what happened?
-It's complicated.
-[sighs]
-Okay...
-I don't know, I--
I felt like when I got into it,
I was so full of idealism
and this nonsense about
what I was going to do
and who I was going to be,
and, you know, you think
the world is getting
more progressive and it is.
But even at
a liberal ass outlet,
I was still facing
the same problems
I would anywhere else.
-Explain.
-Okay, here's a good example.
So one of the older women
who worked there
came up to me
after the first few weeks
and asked me
how everything was going, right.
And so I'm thinking,
Oh, this lady is so sweet
and yada, yada, yada.
You know what she says to me?
She says that I use
too many periods in my email
and that a lot of people
don't like that
because it comes off
as a little abrupt
and unapproachable and in
less euphemistic terms, a bitch.
-[laughs]
-I'm serious.
So I'm sitting there thinking,
"This is fucking ridiculous."
And then she leaves.
But I honestly found myself
starting to
put exclamation points in emails
wherever I could.
And then when I
started realizing
that I was doing that,
I thought, "Fuck this."
If I wasn't a woman,
this wouldn't be the case.
I would just be seen
as decisive and assertive.
-Says the bitch.
-Fuck you, I'm serious,
[laughs] I know, I'm sorry,
but it's fucked up.
And that's not even
the tip of it. I mean--
I think they mean well,
and I know there are
better outlets out there
because I have friends
who work at them,
but at the end of the day,
it's still an old, white dude
who's the publisher.
Still an old, white dude
who's the editor
and then you start getting some
trickle-down diversity to fill
some quotas or some bullshit.
Damn. Tell me
how you really feel.
[clicks tongue] Uh-huh.
So, that's why you left?
No, I mean--
I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it.
Fair enough.
Each time that your love
Keeps pulling me back in
Maybe we should drink in public?
Yeah, this is
fucking depressing.
[laughs]
["Fade Away"
by Modern Eyes playing]
[whispers] I'll be back.
[muffled music]
Sit and love me
As my eyes fade away
And everything's gone gray
[breathes deeply]
[muffled heartbeat]
[muffled music]
[doorknob clicks]
I swear to God
he doesn't like it.
-[woman 1] Every guy likes it.
-No, not Matt.
You guys should have
really taken that class with me.
[woman] I'm not paying
someone to teach...
[indistinct conversation]
[woman 2] By the way, it has
nothing to do with me, okay?
-[woman 3] Good for you.
-[women chuckle]
[woman 2] I give amazing head.
-[woman 4] Yes, I like it.
-[woman 3] You're a biter
[women laugh]
[woman 2] Whoa.
I have never had one complaint.
Actually, I have had
a standing ovation.
[woman 3] A standing ovation
doesn't count if you're
giving it to yourself.
-[women laugh loudly]
-[both laugh softly]
-[woman 4] All of you fuck off.
-[woman 2] You know why
-he doesn't do it?
-You got chronic dry mouth.
[laughter]
[woman 2] Look,
his is fucking huge.
He is a giver.
-He likes to give--
-[Zoey laughs] Oh.
[woman 2] Yes, exactly.
You know what I call it?
The meat bat man.
-[Zoey] Mmm.
-[scoffs]
[Dylan chuckling]
[sighs]
You okay?
Yeah.
Cramps. It's cramps.
[exhales] I like this place.
It's cozy, I dig--
Yeah, perfect company
for drinking alone.
-Run any of these?
-Not a one.
I do own, like, four of them.
[chuckles] And the Japanese
actually have a word for people
who have tons of books
that they've never read.
-It's--
-I--
I used to read a lot,
but I just--
I lost the habit
and I'm definitely
worse off for it, so...
Of course, nowadays everyone's
just on their fucking phones,
so it's pretty hard.
It's probably jarring
looking down
and not seeing it
glowing back up at you.
"Tsundoku."
The habit of buying books,
never reading.
[scoffs] To my nerdy friend.
To my cruel and unusual friend.
[exhales] Ah.
To friends.
-[indistinct]
-To us!
-Batman.
-To meat Batman.
[inhales sharply] Do I get to
hear the spontaneous brilliance?
Um, it's actually an idea
I've
been working on for a while now,
and you reminded me
of it earlier.
And so, you know,
I guess I'm just sort of
caught up in that.
What's the idea, Dyl?
It's called SAM.
It's an acronym
for Socks Against Monogamy.
-Fuck, yeah, I'm hooked.
-Thanks.
Oh, my God. Dylan, elaborate.
[grunts] Okay. You want me
to give you the pitch?
Pitch me. I want the full pitch.
Okay. So,
you know how socks are
hell-bent on getting lost.
You know, like,
it's only a matter of time
before they inevitably get stuck
in the dryer, and, you know,
you're stuck with a bunch
of different single socks?
-Oh, that struggle, honestly.
-[chuckles] Okay.
So, my take is an approach
to their world
where that's, like,
their rite of passage.
They're born the opposite of us,
you know, together from birth.
You know, and their
whole adolescence is built upon
this pretense of separating
when they come of age.
So, like, it's sort of the group
they graduate to.
It's SAM, you know.
But in my story,
there is a pair of socks
that don't want to separate.
You know, they love each other
and they don't understand
why there's this emphasis on
needing to go through life alone
when you can spend it
with another person or a sock.
Sorry. And so
when it's their time
to ceremonially
part in the dryer... [chuckles]
...they decide to say,
"Fuck it,"
and they stay together.
Oh, I like it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Good.
How do they fuck?
[laughter]
-They-- They don't--
-Ah.
That's sort of the beauty of it.
You know, they,
uh, there's nothing physical.
It's just...
companionship.
Or maybe these are
just a few of the reasons
why I'm still a virgin.
You're not the only
28-year-old virgin.
Oh, you guys good?
Doing-- Doing well?
I wanna be everything
Everything to you
I wanna look in your eyes
Without them
Looking right through
Is that too much
To ask of you?
Is that too damn much
To ask of you?
Is that too much
To ask of you?
About the whole
28-year-old virgin thing.
It's cool. I mean...
It's driving me insane.
[laughs]
It's literally on my mind
constantly.
-Yeah, that's all guys.
-All guys want to get laid.
I want to lose my virginity
like a fucking teenager.
It's embarrassing.
It's not even that
big of a deal, Dyl.
Everyone says that, but I think
they take it for granted.
Like, how obsessed they were
about losing their virginity
when they were in high school.
Have you ever thought
about getting a prostitute?
Thought about it. A lot.
-And?
-I'm afraid
it would make me depressed
if I lost it that way.
-It's not precious, Dyl.
-Oh, I know, it's a burden.
[chuckles] I actually--
Here, sit down for this one.
[sighs]
-Oh, what?
-[chuckles]
I, uh--
I actually did go to a special
kind of establishment once.
Oh.
A story with a happy ending,
so to speak.
Oh! The old rub and tug.
Do tell.
Okay. So, my buddy told me
about this place.
There's this joint,
this rundown office building.
So obviously,
I made an appointment
as soon as I got home.
[scoffs] So I get there.
And this super cute
Vietnamese girl,
she escorts me in
and tells me to get ready and...
Oh...
-Well?
-It was great.
-But--
-But?
[groans] I went back
a week later, all right?
Same place, different girl,
still Vietnamese,
still cute, but not happy.
In fact, she was fucking
miserable, you know?
She left the door open
a crack
while I was getting undressed
and I could see her
sucking down a cigarette
with her hand trembling,
you know, and she came back in,
the energy was night and day
different from the first girl,
The first girl was talking
the whole time.
What the fuck
was she even saying?
"You're so big.
You're so hard."
Okay. None of that
from this one?
Nothing. In fact,
not only was she silent,
but she looked off
to the side of me
while she jerked me off.
So I'm obviously in my head
at this point, like, you know,
thinking that I did
something wrong,
you know, it's something
with me, you know?
But then on my drive home,
it hit me, like,
these girls were
probably sex slaves.
I mean, I was sure of it--
I didn't know,
but I was sure of it.
I felt disgusted--
Did you report them?
I stopped at a payphone.
Where the fuck is there
still a payphone, dude?
-7-Eleven on La Cienega.
-[laughs]
At least it was there then.
I even used the made-up voice
and everything.
-[laughing hysterically]
-[Dyl babbling]
[Zoey] You following me?
I actually had a friend who
worked in a parlor
of ill repute.
Actually, no fuck ill repute.
I hold what she does
in very high regard.
She is a dakini.
Tantric massage?
-Sting?
-Yeah.
So my roommate, Sting,
from college was a dakini.
And anyway, I had all
these questions for her,
so finally she told me to just
come in and see for myself.
I mean, not with her,
with another girl.
Dude, this is just
what you need.
-Yeah?
-Yeah, it's wild.
There's this
interesting dichotomy
at play because on one hand,
it's extremely sexy and sensual.
And then on this whole
other level, it's this
deep, deep spiritual awakening.
I'm not overstating anything
when I say
that I walked out of that room
a different person.
How? I mean you had me at sexy,
sensual, spiritual awakening.
[chuckles]
Okay, so you get there.
And she greets you at the door,
and it's like
she's an old friend.
And she just stares at you
and embraces you, not sexually,
but just human touch.
I mean, that's the beauty
of the whole thing, really.
It's all about human touch.
Anyway, she--
she brought me in
and she sat me on the sofa
and she just kind of held me.
Again, a very nurturing way,
you know, asking me
what my loves are,
how my day was, what I did.
And then she told me
to get in the shower,
which is like a spa setup,
so fucking nice.
Anyway, I got in the shower,
I had the shower
and I come out in a bathrobe,
and she's standing there,
naked, stunning.
And she tells me
to go sit on the massage table
cross-legged.
And then she comes
and she sits across from me...
and she just looks at me
with the most serene smile.
And she tells me to match
my breathing to hers, you know?
[inhales deeply]
[exhales softly]
She gets her hand
and she places it on my heart.
And then she gets mine
and she places it on hers.
And we were just sitting there,
just staring at each other.
And I can't guess
how long we were
sitting there for because...
it just felt like
the most blissful eternity.
Just staring at each other,
our eyes...
penetrating into
the depths of the other,
of the universe.
[heart beating]
All our breath felt like
the tide crashing over us.
Wow.
[exhales softly]
Yeah. [chuckles softly]
Tantric massage.
Find a place.
It'll change your life.
I don't know, Zoe.
Do you remember me telling you
about being raped in college?
Gosh.
I completely forgot.
It's fine, whatever, I mean--
I only bring it up
because I know that
that stuff could really just
throw your life off track,
you know?
I mean, we're all snowflakes
in our victimhood or whatever
but it can really
just screw you up, so--
You never told me
if you knew the guy.
Guys, plural. Yeah, I know them.
There were two of them?
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I mean,
doesn't change anything.
[scoffs] The thing that makes me
laugh in a sadistic kind of way
is that I actually
liked them both.
You were friends?
No, not as friends. I mean,
I only just met them, but, uh,
they were cute.
Probably would've
fucked either of them
if they hadn't decided
to rape me first, you know?
God, Zoe. I--
Ah, what are you gonna do?
[cell phone dings]
What?
I forgot a buddy of mine's show.
It's going on tonight.
What kind of show?
He's this musician.
His name's Naiqui.
Like, this whole funk,
soul, whatever.
Is he good?
Yeah, he's incredible. It's just
there's, like, a crapload
of people there and it--
We're good.
We don't have to go.
You're here. It gives me
a perfect excuse. We're good.
[blows a raspberry]
Let's go.
No, I'm saying we don't have to.
No, but I'm saying I wanna.
-No, but--
-Naiqui?
Oh! Oh, my God. Naiqui?
I love Naiqui.
He's my favorite.
Oh, Naiqui!
Naiqui is playing?
In this town tonight?
I forgot I have tickets!
Come on.
Come on, Dyl.
I'm in town for one night.
It's okay
If you're shy
I will take my sweet time
And use my...
-[closes the elevator door]
-[elevator dings]
[motor whirring]
[Naiqui humming]
And I will show you
[elevator stops]
...I won't do
It's okay if you're shy
I will take my sweet time
And use my hands
To ease your mind
And make you feel like
A woman
A woman
A woman
(Make you feel like)
This is how
A woman should feel
And I will show you
Let you down, I won't do
It's okay if you're shy
I will take my sweet time
And use my hands
To ease your mind
And make you feel
Li-i-i-i-i-i-ike
(It's okay if you're shy)
I am gonna be
your wing woman tonight.
It's okay baby
Her.
Imma take my time
Her? Her? Her?
Are you just pointing
at every random girl you see?
Yes.
And make you feel like
Feel, like
It's okay, baby
If you're shy
I will take my
Sweet time
Use my hands
To ease your mind
And make you feel like
Feel like a woman
[cheers and applause]
[cheering]
I was always
The type of person to run
-We're dancing.
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
No fucking way.
Couldn't give much of my time
I guess I had no faith
-Dylan.
I had no faith
Dyl.
So used to my way of things
But you can play that game
You can play too, girl
But I can't leave
If something about you
Makes me want to stay
Hey!
Here we are now
And I really like you
I am feeling your spirit
When I am around you
They way you dress it
Keep those eyes on you, girl
You walk your walk
You know
Everybody wants your pearls
They wanna try it
Isn't this so exciting?
So I didn't bother
I wanna wear your
Pearls!
[faint music]
One thing
That I put it...
[exhaling]
[faint music]
[muffled heartbeat]
I mean I don't mind
What you would say
You got 'em...
[exhales]
You know that I am good
To make you trip
Girl, I go ahead
And I die
I don't think anyone's seen
Pearls as expensive
As yours
If there's nobody
Then tell me...
Never took any classes.
It's crazy, right?
And I really like you
I am feeling your spirit
When I am around you
Who's cool?
Dylan's cool.
...on you, girl
You walk your walk
You know
Everybody wants your...
Pearls
So when
You want...
Hey!
I just wanna wear
Your pearls
I don't think you know
how beautiful it is, baby
Pearls!
Pearls!
Pearls!
Pearls!
-[Zoey shouting]
Pearls!
Pearls!
Pearls!
Pearls!
I say diamonds
Diamonds are
A girl's best friend
Pearls!
Oh, man
I say diamonds
Diamonds are
A girl's best friend
And pearls, oh, man!
Yeah!
I wanna wear your
Pearls!
Life is bueno.
-[Zoe laughs]
-Life is good.
-Life is good.
-[Zoey] Bueno.
-Eye contact.
-[Dylan] Yes.
[chuckles]
Mm. So, how do y'all
know each other?
Oh, God. We've known
each other since we were kids
and all that jazz.
Yep. Pretty much best or,
only friends all throughout
high school. [chuckles]
Uh... [chuckles]
Actually, it was, uh, matching
Halloween costumes
and all that jazz.
One year we went as, um,
gender-swapped
Justin and Britney.
I know my boy looked good
in pigtails and
a little schoolgirl skirt.
-[laughs]
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Red leather Britney.
[whispers]
Get the fuck outta here.
-[laughs] Wait, wait, I have--
-Red leather?
Wait, I have the photo.
-I have the photo.
-You're just hellbent
on embarrassing me
tonight, aren't you?
Yeah, why not?
Not a department
you need help in.
Can't find it.
-Come on, Dyl.
-[Zoey laughs hysterically]
See, this is why
I didn't want to do it.
You were fine.
-[man 1] Hey.
-[Naiqui] My brother.
Man, good job in that, bro.
-Oh, thank you.
-I'm gonna get out of here.
-Oh, you outta here?
-Yeah, man, gotta get going.
Oh, you know what?
Let's all take a picture
for the gram real quick.
All four of us. Come on.
-I look gross. I look gross.
-Nah.
What, you can't be seen
with two brothers in public?
Oh, I'm brown too.
Oh... [laughs] so we are on
different shades now.
I know how you
light-skinned folks see us.
-[Dylan] Okay, for the record--
-[all] No!
[Zoey] You don't get to talk.
Listen, these white people
on that new drug.
-Imma get out of here, bro.
-My man.
-Good show, man.
-Thank you, brother.
Yes sir.
[sighs] This is so good, man.
It's so good you guys
kept in contact all those years.
[Dylan sighs]
[Zoey laughing]
-[Dylan chuckles]
-That's it?
[Dylan laughs]
Thank you, bye.
[Dylan inhales deeply]
-[car horn honks]
-Oh, hey.
[heartbeat thumping]
[Dylan sighs deeply]
[keys rattle]
[lock clicking]
[sighs]
-Tsundoku.
-Hmm.
[opens the fridge]
Do you want something to drink?
Uh, no.
I actually have to get up early,
so I'm just going
to order an Uber.
Look--
I want to apologize.
I know I've been MIA for
a while now, and I feel bad.
That's okay.
[chuckles]
That's okay?
What?
Nothing.
I mean-- [exhales]
It's just--
I-- I don't mean
to be an asshole, but
does the phone
not work both ways?
I don't get it.
Did you just say sorry
so that you would
hear me say sorry?
No, that's not why I said sorry.
So then it's all on me?
No, it's not-- [chuckles]
It's just--
I tried.
Okay? I call. You never
called back or even texted.
Okay, so, like, did you try
or were you MIA, Dyl?
Which one was it?
Or were you saying you were MIA
because you were commenting
on the fact that I was MIA,
and you're doing your Dylan
passive-aggressive bullshit?
[sighing]
Are you shutting off now?
We're not having this talk?
Okay, cool. Great, cool.
Then I am the dick. Cool.
Awesome. Great.
I just want to let you know
that the only reason
we're together
is because I reached out.
Oh... [scoffs] Thank you.
-[sarcastically] You're welcome.
-[scoffs]
This is ridiculous.
-No, shit.
-Well, I'm sorry.
Why are we fighting right now?
Why are we fighting,
were we having a good time?
Yeah, we were,
but that's the problem.
You know, if we
enjoy each other so much,
why did we stop talking?
-I-- I don't know.
-You wanna know my theory?
Sure.
Hmm. [inhales deeply]
[rubs his palms]
I think you got tired of me.
I think you started
to look at me
as sort of a burden
to hang out with,
because I always went to you
with my problems.
And so when I picked up on that,
I stopped going to you
with my problems.
And when that happened,
I don't think you knew
what to do anymore,
because I think you liked it.
-You think I liked it?
-Yep.
Unbelievable. Oh, my God.
-Fuck you.
-Wow! [laughs sarcastically]
Fuck you. You know what?
You want to have a
whole pity party about this
because you're such a downer
when the reality is,
that's not even a fucking issue.
Then for Christ's sake,
Zoey, what is it?
It's the fact that--
that you won't indulge
in anyone else's problems
-but your own.
-[scoffs]
[laughs]
Oh. Yeah, that's good.
Typical Zoey.
Grab your stuff. Walk away.
I'll talk to you
in another couple of years.
Oh, yeah? Cool. I'll give you
your birthday text, dude.
Don't bother using
exclamation points
because we both know
it's not the punctuation
that makes you a bitch.
[sniffles] Hey, do you
remember me telling you being--
[huffs] Fuck.
[sighs in disappointment]
[car door opens]
[car door shuts]
[insects chirping]
I know you care, Dylan.
You're the kindest person
I've ever met, but... [scoffs]
Fuck, if you aren't
a selfish asshole sometimes.
You think I got tired of you?
I love you.
You're my favorite
fucking person in the world.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
-You don't have to do that.
-Zoey.
[breathes deeply]
I'm sorry.
I guess I just got scared.
[scoffs]
I didn't want to keep spending
the rest of the night
pretending everything's good
and we're happy when...
I don't know if come tomorrow,
everything's just going
to go back to how it was.
I get it.
-You're not a bitch.
-[laughs softly]
But you do use too many periods.
[both laugh softly]
-You are passive-aggressive...
-[chuckles]
...but like everyone's
passive-aggressive, so...
[chuckles]
What would you say...
to a little...
peace joint?
[Zoey strumming ukulele]
[scatting]
I'mma bash you over the head
with that fucking thing.
See, this is why
you're still single.
[gasps] Yes. Yes.
[speaking in a rough voice]
Oh, my God. It's so cold.
[sighs, inhales sharply]
-Well?
-I didn't even know
you still played that thing.
Play is a strong word,
but yeah, I fuck around.
Does fucking around mean
you have a song?
[chuckles] Oh.
You do have a song.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-Oh, my God. I knew it.
It's stupid.
Doesn't even make sense.
Fuck that. I want to hear it.
Yeah, the lyrics
are, like, weird.
Oh, my God. Zoey? I love Zoey.
She's the best.
-Touch?
-[chuckles]
[Zoey clears throat]
-Just play it.
-I can't. Okay.
I'm mentally preparing.
[clears throat]
I can't see myself
Too clearly
It's just
Fragmented bits of me
I look
Like a fucking Picasso
Why is my left eye
Where my cheek should be?
And my...
Brain is like
A Jackson Pollock
Just scattered chaos
In my mind
It's a
Fucking sort of violence
Sort of pretty
But it's all right
Because then other days
It's like Van Gogh's
Starry nights
And the paint strokes
Soothe my mind
Whirling clouds
And shining stars so bright
And it's all right
Until I cut off my ear
And start bleeding
Profusely all over
the living room floor
Oh, my God, I'm bleeding
Oh, my God
I'm getting kind of dizzy
I think I'm gonna throw...
I think I want to...
But it's all right
Because I
Have another day
[continues strumming]
I love it.
I dunno what
the second part is though.
Zoey.
I love it.
[sniffles] Grab a handful.
Are you--
You know it.
They taste better at the movie.
-Sh. This is my favorite scene.
-[laughs]
Mm. Mm?
Mm. Mmm.
I can't believe
this is where you live.
And write and masturbate.
That's it?
-I sleep sometimes too. [laughs]
-Huh.
Hey, do you ever wonder
why some porn categories
are more popular than others?
-There's a segue.
-[laughs]
[coughs] Oh, you mean, like--
[inhales sharply]
You mean, like, anal?
Yeah, but like, that's not
even the top three,
I don't think.
[coughs then laughs]
What is it about anal
that does it for people anyway?
And this is asking
as a completely ignorant virgin.
I mean--
-Have you done it?
-Yeah, I've done it.
-[anxious laugh] Why?
-No. [laughs]
I don't know. It feels good.
To get your ass torn open?
[stutters] Doesn't it hurt?
Okay. First of all,
this isn't Alien.
[both laugh]
And it's a good pain.
Can you even cum that way?
I mean, it's hard,
but the point of sex
isn't necessarily to cum.
I mean,
it's wonderful if you do,
but that's not what it's
all about. I don't think.
Anyways, yes,
I have cum from anal.
I don't do it all the time.
Maybe once in a while, but...
it's such a hassle though.
Ugh. I mean if you
want to do it right,
and not get mess anywhere.
Mess?
Take a wild guess.
-[groans]
-[laughs]
Okay. Calm down, virgin.
There are going to be
some weird shit sometimes.
Sometimes, literally.
-No, no, no, no.
-[laughing continues]
Oh, my God.
You're going to love it.
Okay. [inhales deeply] Okay.
[grunts] Okay. So one of
the first times I tried it, um,
I, uh-- I didn't understand
the importance
of the whole prep process.
-There's a prep process?
-Of course.
-There's a prep process.
-[chuckles in amusement]
What-- What would you even do?
I don't know. You, like,
do shit or whatever you like.
You go to the pharmacy,
you get an enema,
you stick it up your butt,
you make sure
you have a lot of fibres,
so you're regular,
hydrated, and whatever.
Yeah, there's a prep process.
Anyways, idiots like me
have to learn that the hard way.
I did it with my boyfriend
at the time.
Nice guy.
Scared of even trying it,
-but curious
-Of course.
I mean, I was too.
I hadn't ever tried it before.
Anyways.
So we go to the shower
because we think that's
the smartest thing to do
in case anything goes wrong.
And thank God, we did,
because we were 100% right.
Anyways, so he puts it in
and we start slowly
because side note,
anal will make any guy's dick
feel at least 73% bigger.
-Noted.
-So he's...
fucking me in the ass. [giggles]
[both laugh]
He's got this smile
plastered on his face.
God bless him
And I'm enjoying it
more than I had anticipated.
But I'm also feeling this
weird sensation or whatever.
[inhales deeply] And being
the nice guy that he was,
when he noticed this,
he did the nice thing
and... [pops her mouth]
...pulled out.
Which is when I...
-shit everywhere.
-[groans]
I know, I know, I know.
I know, I know, I know.
And I will never forget
the shriek
-that he let out like--
-[shrieks]
And all the while, I'm still
releasing mind you
and I'm profusely apologizing
and I'm maneuvering my body,
so at least
I'm missing his legs.
No, I can't. That's--
-That's fucking wild.
-Oh, my God.
I mean, weren't you embarrassed?
[laughs] Of course. Are you
kidding me? I was mortified.
I was traumatized.
I never wanted to do it again.
-And we didn't.
-Obviously.
You see, that's the thing.
Not obviously.
I firmly believe that the person
you're meant to be with
is the one that you
can literally shit on
and they still love you.
Which is like weird,
and fucked-up or whatever,
but that's the comfort.
At least for me,
that I feel
is necessary to have
a successful relationship,
especially when it comes to sex.
I mean, sex is like the
messiest thing you'll ever do.
It can smell,
people have disturbing faces,
like you can fart,
you can queef, whatever,
I mean, but at the end of it,
that person still loves you
even if you
don't make them cum.
I mean, if you make them
cum consistently,
they'll probably
love you forever, but...
I think that just
comes along with
being vulnerable and comfortable
with that person
in that relationship.
That's when you get
to ride that sweet spot...
of fucking sometimes
and making love most times.
Here I was just hoping
for missionary.
Oh, come on.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Okay. You're telling me
that when you're
sitting at home alone
with a bottle of lube,
watching porn,
that you're clicking
on the search bar
and you're typing in "vanilla"?
First of all, I rarely
let my lube watch porn.
Yeah, whatever.
You know what I mean?
-What do you watch?
-Uh...
Oh, come on.
I just showed you mine.
You're not going to show me
yours? What is it?
-I don't know--
-Bondage.
[chuckles nervously]
-Hentai. Gay porn.
-I--
-What?
I think it's funny how,
you know, girls can talk
about how they watch
lesbian porn,
and it's not
a big deal, you know?
It's like, "Oh, yeah,
that makes sense.
You know, that's hot."
But when a guy talks
about watching other guys,
and it's like,
"Hmm. Wait a minute.
Are you sure you're not gay?"
I think that's how
some people see.
-But not all people.
-But... [stutters]
-A majority.
-Okay, yeah.
But see that's the problem.
We all play this game
of hush-hush
and pretend when it
comes to sex and porn
and that just makes
everyone feel guilty
when they go home
and they watch it in private,
which is bullshit.
I mean-- I guarantee you--
I guarantee you
that if some hacker group
came out
and released
everyone's search history,
made it public information,
the world will be
a much happier place.
And I don't disagree.
Which is why I'm telling you
I'm not judging you.
So feel free to personally
unload your burden.
It's not like
it's some big deal.
Okay? It's not some crazy burden
like you're making it out to be.
Do you watch gay porn?
-I--
-Okay, so you watch gay porn.
[sighs] Okay. Okay.
Yes.
I have watched gay porn before.
And admittedly... [sighs]
I still watch it
from time to time.
Okay? Not a significant
percentage, but...
I still watch it all the same.
-Are you gay?
-No!
See, that's what
I'm talking about.
I'm proving your point, idiot.
I'm saying
that you get to decide
what you are
because ultimately
you're the only one who knows
who you want to be with.
Yeah, but it's not that simple.
I mean, Jesus. Like, my first,
my only sexual experiences
are with a guy.
You know, part of me can't help
but see men sexually.
And I don't know, I don't--
I don't mean to get all nature
versus nurture.
No, I get it.
[sighs]
[scoffs softly]
Sometimes I wish I was gay.
Meaning, if I was...
that would explain so much.
You know, it would mean that
I'm not scared or embarrassed.
I'm just gay.
You know, I'm not into women.
But I am.
-Into women?
-Yes.
Obsessively. Like, exclusively.
Except for those
few revved-up moments.
And, you know, I'm
always dreaming up
some fucking fairy tale for me
and every pretty woman I see,
you know?
But then there are
those other moments
and I get all confused
and fucked up.
Okay, well,
that's why I'm sitting here.
And I'm telling you
that you're
totally normal, Dylan.
I love you and I accept you.
All of you.
[sniffles]
You know what is fucked up?
Even if I was gay...
I would have to deal with
not only the prejudices
that already exist,
but also my own psyche.
You know, wondering
if I'm only gay
because I was molested.
I mean--
Fuck. [scoffs]
[sighs deeply]
Hey.
Did you ever see
that documentary
a couple of years back?
The Act of Killing,
you know, about those dogs
from the Indonesian genocides,
recreating their atrocities?
[inhales] Oh yeah,
that was insane. Hard to watch.
You know, in the end, when...
the main guy is watching
the film and he expresses
maybe not regret, but...
at least some sense
of understanding of
the pain he inflicted. I--
I felt some strange
sense of hope.
Like, you know, if a monster
like that can acknowledge,
even in some small way
that why he did hurt people,
then maybe there's
some hope for humanity.
You know, like,
if people can learn, then,
you know, they can change.
Then I start thinking
of the millions of victims,
you know, the dead,
the murdered.
Like, what are they
supposed to learn?
How do they change? You know?
You know, when you die
or your parents die,
like, how do you change,
you know?
Or when you're raped
or molested,
how do you move on?
I mean, people do,
so I'm told. I mean,
I'd love to know how because I
still can't figure it out.
I mean, you know...
[exhales]
All I can see is
my piece of shit cousin
is married with kids,
living his fucking life,
and-- and-- and that's fine.
You know, I don't--
I-- [stutters] I'm serious.
I don't begrudge him
his life. I just--
I hope he feels such crippling,
fucking guilt.
I hope every day
is a brutal struggle
with shame and fear and regret.
And I hope--
I hope he suffers every day
of his miserable
fucking life like I do.
[stutters] If I could move on,
then by all means,
I wish him the same.
But until then...
Fuck him.
He's moved on.
He probably has.
Of course, he has.
You should too.
[inhales deeply then exhales]
[sighs deeply]
[chuckles in amusement]
[chuckles]
I had a friend...
Tell me once...
She said...
"You know who has victimized you
the most in your life?
You."
She said, "Your cousin
stopped molesting you
when you were ten and...
you've picked up
the baton ever since."
And...
it knocked me out.
[scoffs]
I knew she was right, but
fuck, if it didn't hurt,
you know, like,
realizing that all that misery,
all those years of pain,
I did it to myself, you know?
And if I want it to stop,
you know,
I have to be the one
that stops it.
Like, I have to--
I have to be the one.
And I can't.
I-- I can't. I want to so badly,
but I just--
-Why not?
-I don't know.
-Yes, you do.
-I can't. I--
-Come on. Take control.
-I-- [stutters] I just--
-You are in control.
-[sighs]
Okay? You know that, right?
You are the one
who gets to decide
how you want to live your life.
What is it going to take?
What does it change?
I-- I've thought this over
so many fucking times.
If-- If I could just get
rid of this fucking...
[grunts deeply]
You know, if I could just
get rid of this-- this fucking,
you know, and move on, you know,
and be normal, you know?
And for the first time
in my life,
not hate myself
for not being normal.
I could let it go.
I think I could, you know?
But-- And I know.
I know, I know.
I need to just stop
skirting around the edges
with these massages
and just get a prostitute
and just get it over with.
-Do you want to take care of it?
-Yeah, I do.
-I really fucking do.
-Yeah?
Yeah, I-- I'm so sick of this.
Then let's.
Let's?
Take care of it.
-Are you saying...
-Yeah.
Are you serious?
[sighs softly]
Do you want to go back
to your place?
[gasps]
[chuckles shakily]
Oh, I am so embarrassed.
Hey, hey.
No more embarrassment, okay?
Okay.
[water running]
[insects chirping]
[water running]
[breathes deeply]
[breathes deeply]
[clatter]
[exhales in nervousness]
-[Zoey exhales]
-[both chuckle]
[Dylan groans]
Oh, you don't have to do that
if you don't want.
I want to.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay.
[nervously] Okay. Okay.
-[Dylan] Okay?
-Yeah, okay.
Okay.
[Dylan exhales]
-Zoey?
-I can't, I can't, I can't...
[Dylan] Okay. It's okay.
-Zoey, are you okay?
-Yeah.
-Are you okay?
-Okay.
-Okay.
-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-No, no... I just--
-No, no, no, it was too much.
-I understand.
-No, no, no, no. It's--
It's not that.
It's um... [sniffles]
It's-- It's complicated.
It's just complicated.
Fuck.
You can talk to me.
Okay.
[sniffles, gulps]
[cries]
[voice breaks] Uh, so...
about a year ago,
I was working the night shift
at this bar on Colfax because...
[inhales shakily]
...entry-level journalist
salaries
don't exactly pay the rent
in Denver, you know?
I noticed this guy
in the coal section one night...
and he kept coming
in more and more.
And I was aware of him
because he was cute...
and he would stare at me.
[speaks softly]
I thought it was really sexy.
One night for the first time,
he sat in my section.
And again
he didn't say anything.
He would just--
He just stared at me.
And I thought that was weird.
I told him, I'd give him
some time
and I walked down
the staff hallway to my locker.
[exhales deeply]
I still remember
the pain of my knees
bearing down on the cracked
tiles of the bathroom floor.
I could feel everything
and I can feel it.
I can feel it now.
It's this--
It's like this phantom pain,
you know, that comes in waves.
And I remember everything.
You know, like, he... [gasps]
He had his hand over my head.
And I was struggling
to move it away,
not because I believed I could
actually do anything about it,
but because he had my head
right next
to the toilet plunger.
[crying] And I felt
really nauseous
and I didn't know
if I was feeling nauseous
because of what was happening
or because of
the fucking plunger.
And I wanted to scream,
but I couldn't really scream
because my voice just
disappeared into nothing.
I tried not to feel anything,
but that didn't work.
I just really wanted to go numb.
I can just switch off.
But my knees hurt really bad,
so I focused on my pain.
Focussed on my pain
from my knees,
like a mantra, you know?
Like, you just--
Like you use your pain
to mask your pain.
[panicked suppressed laughter]
[speaks softly] Zoey, I...
[chocking] Fuck. I am so sorry.
No. No, no, no. Hey, hey.
Don't be. I am sorry.
That's why I quit my job.
[sniffles] That's why
I stopped seeing you.
That's why I stopped seeing
everyone. I just retreated.
The worst part is--
I mean, there's a lot of
worse parts, but... [sniffles]
...it's thinking of college.
What happened in college.
I used to never
really think about it
or I compartmentalized it enough
to just, like, live my life
and get along
with it.
But now I think
about it all the time.
Now it's just running through
my mind all the time, every day.
Like, they're just,
like, little details of
that night that just
go through my mind
or, like, smells and stuff,
like, I can't walk
down the street
and smell a guy's cologne
without feeling sick.
I'll run through that night,
I was flirting with them,
which is fucking normal,
you know?
You're flirting with people and
then I decided to make out
with one of them
and the other one
was just, like, hovering,
and I thought that he would just
take the hint and...
just go away, but he--
Because I'd already
made my decision, but...
I didn't know that they
already decided
what was going to happen.
Then I see myself
giving in because, maybe,
it doesn't have to be that
if I give in,
if I let it happen,
it doesn't have to be that.
-Did I let it happen?
-No, you didn't.
[shudders]
I don't know, man.
-Did I let it happen?
-You didn't let it happen.
Shit. Dyl, if I
can't outrun that,
what the fuck am I
going to do with this one?
Zoey, I--
I don't even know
where to begin.
It's fine. Bah!
[chuckles shakily]
I'm sorry I loaded on you.
[babbles]
-Are you kidding?
-[chuckles shakily]
Thank you.
Zoe...
-[chuckles nervously]
-[sniffles]
[speaks softly] It's okay.
I'm sorry I broke down tonight.
If--
You know, if you felt like
you had to do this all for me.
If I brought all this up--
No, you didn't bring up anything
that wasn't already
at the surface.
[inhales then exhales]
Dyl, I have
to break through this.
[speaks softly]
I need to... I...
I need you.
I need someone I can trust...
because I'm terrified
of everyone else right now.
I can't go on feeling like this.
Hmm?
I know you understand that.
I do.
So, we're good.
So, if I just cry
or freak out or whatever,
-I'll start crying too.
-[laughs]
[Zoey inhales deeply]
What?
-What?
-Sit with me.
[Zoey sniffles]
[Dylan inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
[heartbeat thumping]
[inhales deeply]
[exhales softly]
[Zoey inhales deeply]
[exhales softly]
[both inhale deeply]
[both exhale deeply]