Earthquake: Joke Telling Business (2025) Movie Script
1
When I got out the military,
they said Atlanta is
the mecca for Black people.
But when I got up here,
they only had three hustles.
Illegal pharmaceuticals,
stripping, and the music business.
I wasn't in none of those.
So I went on and opened my own comedy club
and been in
the joke-telling business ever since.
Atlanta! Atlanta!
Goddamn it. Goddamn it.
I love Atlanta. This is where I started.
Goddamn it. This is my comedy home.
Goddamn right, this is my comedy home.
I live in LA right now.
Yeah, that motherfucker was on fire.
Everything was burning.
My boys called me and said,
"Quake, did you lose your house?"
I said, "Not to the fire."
Divorce took my goddamn house.
I can still see that motherfucker.
I was praying to God,
"Burn that motherfucker down, God."
Give me the justice
that the courts refuse to do.
I was in Portland, man,
and I go to Portland...
and when I go to Portland, I'm surprised
because I have never seen so many
struggling white people in my life.
Just laying homeless on the ground,
just like it's sofas
or they're at the Ritz-Carlton.
I'm just stepping over them. Look at God.
I thought it just was us.
It was like New Jack City, man.
I'm telling you, the car,
but they was all on drugs
and just good white folks.
You could just tell
they had mothers and fathers and dreams.
One white homeless dude came, and said,
"Brother, can you spare a dollar?"
I said, "Absolutely not."
"You white, for cryin' sakes."
Shake it off.
Pull yourself up from your bootstrap.
All you need is a shower and a suit,
and you'll be my supervisor by tomorrow.
These ain't jokes.
I'm telling you that's how it is, man,
but it's getting rough out here.
Chick came to me the other day and said,
"Quake, I'll suck your dick
for a dozen eggs."
I said, "What you do for two?"
I get mine from Costco.
They give you three dozen.
I give you two
for that thing-a-thing thing.
Man, she sucked my dick
and ate my groceries.
I'm selling chickens now.
Anytime she comes over,
you gonna get some chicken from me.
These ain't jokes.
I've seen a homeless dude
with a girlfriend.
Then I start thinking,
"You're a bad motherfucker."
"You had a bitch that lives with you
underneath the bridge."
You are slinging some dick.
You know how good your dick gotta be for
a bitch to live with you outside? Nigga...
You got that mm, mm, mm.
You got that one-hitter quitter,
that bitch gotta get her.
That's an outstanding dick.
And she was faithful, she was devoted.
'Cause it was raining outside.
She was mopping up
the motherfucking corner,
keeping the water
from going underneath the tent and shit.
I said, "What kind of dick do he got?"
She was under the bridge, dusting it.
Had pictures of her begging for food.
I said, "What kind of dick does he got?"
Two days later, I came outside.
She was on the corner
by her damn self with a sign,
so I immediately thought
that they had broke up.
Till I looked at the sign.
The sign said, "We will work for food."
That's when I knew
they were still together.
I started looking for him
to see where he was at.
This motherfucker was
underneath the tree taking a nap
while his woman was on the corner
begging for goddamn food and money.
I couldn't take it no more.
I stopped my car, went over there,
woke that motherfucker up and said,
"Pull your pants down.
Let me see what you got."
"I need to see
what kind of dick you need to sling
to get this kind of effort
out of a woman."
I bought my wife a house and a car,
and I can't get this bitch
to fix me a sandwich.
So who the real hoe in these streets?
You come home late at night,
drunk as shit.
"Baby, can you fix me something to eat?"
"Well, I had a long day."
But this nigga got his bitch
cleaning up outside now.
I don't ask for much,
but you gotta outwork a homeless bitch.
Now get your ass up
and fix me something to eat
before I take you outside
and put her ass inside.
These ain't jokes.
We got a new president now.
He ain't playing.
You know who he is?
Mr. Charlie.
White boy hatcher.
And he ain't playing at all, motherfucker.
He is not playing.
Where my Latinos at?
Damn, only two?
Trump done threw
your ass out of here quick.
I'll say this from the bottom of my heart.
I think I speak for all Black people.
Good luck.
That white man looking for you.
You're hot right now.
Split up.
This ain't the time to be riding six,
seven deep in a pickup truck.
He gonna throw your ass up out of here.
You don't know this white man like I do.
Stay away from Home Depot.
Don't pick up no lawn mower.
Don't move no refrigerator.
Don't you do none of that shit.
That white man looking for you.
And don't sell no fruit
on the side of the road.
He know goddamn well you don't get
all that fruit for five dollars.
And sell American food.
Don't fuck with no tacos,
enchiladas, none of that shit.
And if you gonna sell American food,
make sure your ass know
the condiments that go on it.
Mayonnaise don't go on corn on the cob.
Butter, salt, and pepper.
These ain't jokes.
I'm just trying to keep they ass in here.
And Black people, y'all better not laugh.
This is a test run for our ass.
We next.
I ain't lying to you. We fucking next.
You gonna go see your boy.
"Where Tyrone at?"
"Man, Trump done sent that nigga
to Nicaragua."
He said, "All real niggas
gotta go to Nicaragua."
If you a real nigga,
you going to Nicaragua.
He ain't fuck with me, yo.
I'm African American.
Trump a bad motherfucker, dawg.
These ain't jokes.
Hey, listen.
I thought Kamala was gonna win.
I support Black women.
I was so confident, nigga.
I fell asleep on the election.
Woke up the next morning
and looked at the map.
I said, "Who shot America?"
Did she win any votes?
Did you count my vote?
What happened to the AKAs, and...
And the Deltas and the... the Swifties,
and the Beyhives, and the Mad Bunnies,
and the women's right to vote?
What happened to them motherfuckers?
Trump whooped all they ass.
Whooped all they ass.
But you know what... know what I learned
watching that election?
I learned one goddamn thing.
There's no such thing as
an unqualified white man.
His pigmentation is his qualification.
Because Trump had 34 felonies,
and he still became
President of the United States.
I know R. Kelly in jail
madder than a motherfucker.
"I only have four
and you won't let a nigga sing a song."
"He can be president,
but I can't drop an album?"
"I gotta sing through a collect call."
We gotta get R. Kelly back home.
We got to get R home.
R got to come home.
But he's coming home
because they got Puffy now.
You know the rule, nigga.
One nigga in, one nigga out.
Goddamn Puffy. Got his ass.
That sexual assault is, damn...
They're trying to get Smokey.
I'm so glad
my mama ain't allowed to see this shit.
She'd be in court every day.
"That's not my Smokey."
"Look at his eyes."
"He don't have to take no pussy.
Look at that Smokey."
I do a lot of goddamn interviews,
you know,
because all these people coming back
making these accusations.
One dude came to me.
The reporter said, "Quake,
do you feel any women in your past
gonna come back
and say that you took advantage of them
or something?"
I said, "Hell nah."
He said, "Damn, you said
that shit with confidence."
I said, "I'm very confident."
He said, "Why are you confident?"
I'm confident
because I paid for all my pussy.
Every piece of it.
I earned every pussy.
I ain't never got no free pussy.
I had to walk them home from school.
I had to do all that shit.
Help them with their homework,
raise another man's child.
I earned all my pussy.
These ain't jokes.
When I read the indictment,
sexual assault and sexual trafficking,
that's the one that got me.
It said, "Sex trafficking means
you went to another state to have sex."
I'm like, "Oh shit."
"I'm a sex trafficker."
I've been sex trafficking all my life.
I got to turn myself in.
These ain't jokes.
I could never go over
to another woman's house in another state
that wasn't my woman
and sleep over at her house.
I don't do away games.
Home field advantage or neutral site.
Ain't no way I could ever do that shit.
All you men, sit down there
and go stay over at another woman's house,
sleeping, and it ain't your woman,
you got nuts.
Fuck around and fall asleep,
her last boyfriend got a key,
come in that motherfucker,
hit you in the head.
Now you woke up
with your dick out fighting them.
Come on, let me put my dick back here.
You got some drawers?
Let me put my drawers on.
You sitting there wrestling
with your dick on his thigh.
You be like, "Come on, man,
let me take my dick off your thigh."
These ain't jokes.
It's hard out here in these streets,
but they're attacking Black fathers now.
They are.
Look what they did
to my boy Deion Sanders.
All he tried to do
was get his son a better draft choice.
They got so motherfucking mad
that what they do,
dropped that boy all the way down.
He was waiting so long to get drafted.
Nigga, they drafted me first.
But the one that broke my heart
more than anything, LeBron James.
People talking shit,
especially in our own community.
"Only reason Bronny is on the Lakers is
because of who his father is."
You're goddamn right.
That shows you what type of father he is
and also how great of a player he is.
He got him on the Lakers.
One of the most historic
fucking franchises out.
Ain't like he got him on the Pelicans.
Nigga, that's an achievement.
And if you think that shit's easy,
I'll tell you right now,
motherfucker, go home and go to your job
and see if they'd hire your fucking son.
Your supervisor look you in the face,
"Nigga, we don't even want you."
"Think we gonna bring
another sorry motherfucker in here
like your sorry ass?"
I love being a father, Black father.
My son around here right now.
Best day, when I see him...
made me the happiest
is when he graduated from college.
When I seen him
walk across that stage, I cried.
I was like, "Yeah, that's my son."
People were like, "You so proud of him."
I'm like, "Fuck that. I ain't proud
of him. I'm proud of myself."
No more tuition. This nigga is over.
When he walked across that stage,
I was like, "Look at that budget cut."
I paid for all that tuition
and everything.
Now he on his own.
So I asked my son, I said,
"Son, now that you done graduated,
what do you wanna be?"
He go and look me in the face and said,
"Daddy, I think I'mma stay in school
and get my masters."
I looked him in the face and said,
"Nah, nigga, I think you've done enough."
"You exceeded my expectations."
"You just showing out now, nigga."
"Time for you to come on out of there.
Time to get a job, motherfucker.
Fuck that."
Come on out here so AI can take your job.
These ain't jokes.
Scariest day ever
while my son was in school,
he had an active shooter on his campus.
Yeah, I woke up, turned on CNN,
seen my son's school.
They said
it's an active shooter on the campus.
I said, "Oh God,
let me go put my clothes on."
"Let me go see my... my son."
And then they said,
"The shooter is in the library."
I went back to sleep.
I said, "I know my son ain't in there."
He don't fuck with that room.
I've seen his grades.
If he gets shot in the library,
that's God's will.
Because I prayed
for him to go in there and study.
I asked the Lord to put him in that room.
These ain't jokes.
No, because it's rough.
You got to be a father too. You see it.
Can't even go to Lenox no more.
That smash and grab is for real.
Now, I don't have a problem
with you going into these big stores
like Chanel, goddamn, uh, Louis Vuitton.
Come on, nigga, CVS?
They're stealing so much shit out of CVS,
nigga, when you go in there,
they got the toothpaste
behind the counter.
You gotta say,
"Give me that Crest right there."
"The big one, nigga. The big one!"
I mean, they steal that...
don't get me wrong.
When we grew up, we stole. We shoplifted.
We didn't try to take
the whole motherfucking store.
We had plans. We took the shit we wanted.
And we... we was Mission: Impossible.
We were slick about our shit.
We'd get together and say, "Hey, you go
in there and talk to the security guard,
and you talk to the cashier."
"While y'all doing that shit,
I'mma snatch all the candy
and meet y'all in the alley."
We never got together and said,
"All right, all 14 of us...
...we'll go in this store
and take all this shit."
See, that shit don't look scary on TV,
but in real life,
that snatch and grab some scary shit.
I was in CVS,
and 14 brothers ran in that bitch.
I was like,
"White people, call the authorities."
This is an outrage.
I'm flabbergasted.
I'm appalled.
I ran to the security guard,
"Do something!"
He looked me in the face,
"They say, 'Don't do nothing.'"
I ran to the cashier.
I said, "Hit your panic button.
We're being robbed."
She's like,
"We don't have no panic button."
I said, "Well, call the police
and tell them
your baby daddy back up here."
So these motherfuckers going
up and down the aisle,
just taking everything,
just stealing the whole store.
So I'm like,
"Shit, let me go get some toilet paper."
I go get the toilet paper.
These brothers done stole
all the toilet paper.
Who steals toilet paper?
I looked at the young brother.
I said, "Brother,
can you at least leave one roll?"
He looked me in the face,
"Oh, I'm sorry, OG, here you go."
"I ain't even know
that was you, Earthquake."
I said, "Nigga, don't say my name
in this motherfucker."
"All these police
and these cameras and shit."
"They think I'm in here
stealing shit, nigga."
"Give me... Give me
that goddamn toilet paper, man."
Fuck out of here.
So I wanted to grab the toilet paper
and go out the door,
but I ain't wanna walk out there,
police come, shoot me,
thinking I'm with them niggas.
So I stand over by the cashier,
so when the police come, they know
I ain't got shit to do with this.
But these motherfuckers
are still in the store.
Just still in the store taking their time.
So I'm holding the toilet paper.
I got tired of holding toilet paper.
So I just put it on the counter
near the cashier.
Do you know this motherfucker
gonna pick it up and ring it up?
"That'll be $4.50."
"Bitch, I ain't giving you
no goddamn money."
"Better put that shit in the bag.
Let me get the fuck on out of here."
"One more roll of toilet paper
ain't gonna help you with this shit."
"Put that shit on the police report."
"I see why they robbing this bitch."
"You gonna charge me
and they still in the store."
"Fuck you, hoe."
It's rough out here.
That's why I ain't getting me...
I ain't having no more kids, baby.
I'm out the kids' business.
Matter of fact,
I went and got that vasectomy.
I went right to my doctor's office
and put my own leg in the stirrup.
Do what you gotta do, doc.
We'll fill out that paperwork later.
Come on, nigga, do it.
He was cutting my shit,
and I saw smoke coming up.
I just turned my head.
I was like a woman you taking home
that's mad at you,
just looking out the window.
All my friends were like,
"Why you get a vasectomy?"
I said, "Because
the dick no longer can be trusted."
Taking the bullets out of this gun.
Can't afford no more murder charges.
Shoot up the club and go home,
and don't worry about nothing.
No, I ain't leaving nothing. No... nothing.
Plus, I'm in my 60s.
It's too late to be having kids.
I feel... I feel sorry for you old brothers
still out here in the game.
You better get out these streets
and find you a woman.
I feel sorry when I see them old dudes...
with a one-year-old baby.
Him and the baby got on Pampers.
Kill yourself, you old-ass pimp.
He be trying to catch him too.
"Come back here. Come back here."
"That boy quicker
than a motherfucker. Come back here, boy."
You and your baby got
the same amount of doctor's appointments.
You arguing with the mother,
"Why would you make his on Tuesday
when you know I got two on Tuesday?"
Kill yourself, you old ass player.
Your grandson and your son
in the same class.
Your son come home from school, talking,
"I'm tired of going to school
with my uncle, Daddy."
He be showing out at the cafeteria,
talking about, "Nephew, come here."
"Bring that cookie with you.
Nephew, come here!"
"It's your uncle talking to you.
Respect your elders."
Sixties, you don't supposed to be
still in these streets.
You got to make a decision.
Find you a motherfucking woman.
And you need one now
because these next four years
is going to be rough.
You don't know how
this financial situation is gonna happen.
But Trump is about to tear this money out.
He's robbing this motherfucker
in plain daylight.
This nigga's been... He's monetizing
the White House more than Facebook,
any of that shit.
He is the motherfucking man.
I'm from Washington, DC.
We have federal workers,
and they're some of the most confident,
arrogant employees you'll ever meet.
Because they felt
they could not get fired.
Trump took that shit away.
Just told the motherfucker,
"Don't come to work on Friday."
Read the email.
In these next four years,
you don't know if it'll affect you or not.
And as a man,
you better make sure you have somebody
on your side that can hold you down,
just in case your pockets get fucked up.
And what I think it is, it's a woman.
Women always got money.
They keep it in their left titty.
Quiet is kept.
That was the first Cash App.
"Mama, you ain't give me no lunch money."
"Oh, my fault, baby. My fault. My fault."
Had a little baby powder
on it, but it was straight.
These ain't jokes.
God forbid if you have an illness
and you need somebody to take care of you.
Jamie Foxx, good friend of mine,
had a medical emergency.
Fortunately, he had
his daughter on his side
that was able to sit here
and maintain his business
till he went through rehabilitation
to get back on his fucking feet.
Many people ain't gonna take care of you
when you can't take care of yourself.
And I hate to tell all you men out here
that think you got all these women
on your Rolodex and your rosters,
but I hate to break it to you,
but side bitches are terrible caregivers.
A side bitch come see you in a hospital,
rubbing you on the leg,
"Tell me when you get back
on your feet, OG."
And you done forgot
you gave her your credit card.
You laying in a hospital
getting fraud alerts.
Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing, bing,
bing, bing, bing,
bing-bing-bing, bing, bing,
bing, bing, bing-bing-bing.
"Oh, this bitch is robbing me to death."
Bing, b-b-bing-bing-bing,
bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
"Oh shit, my house now."
Bing, b-b-bing, bing.
"Doctor, take this mask off."
Bing, b-b-bing.
"I need to use your phone."
Bing, bing-bing-bing, bing, bing.
"You need to call your family?"
"No, Bank of America."
Bing, bing-bing-bing, bing, bing.
Push four for fraud.
Some of you men ain't laughing
because you with her right now.
You know she ain't gonna fuck with you.
These ain't jokes.
Better find you somebody.
Get the fuck up out the game.
And if you fuck with Black women,
it's the best time
to find a good Black woman.
The pickings has never been better.
The draft is great.
No, there's so many qualified Black women.
- You want to know why?
- Why?
Because there's very few
of us heterosexual men
who could take on
the responsibility of having a woman
and the responsibility of it.
It is what it is.
And believe me, if you do take on
the financial responsibility of your woman
and you fuck with one of our women,
I have a PSA announcement for you.
If you get the choice
between paying her condo
or paying for the upkeep of her hair,
nigga, take the condo.
It's a set rate.
It don't fluctuate.
Condo, you know what you need every month.
Hair, you don't know what it's gonna be.
It goes from two dollars to 250,000.
All depends on who's doing it,
how much you gettin' done,
and what time she gettin' it done.
If you do take on your woman's
financial responsibility for her hair,
like I do with my woman,
you'll have
a whole new respect for bonnets, nigga.
I pay for my woman's hair,
we go out and have a good time,
that motherfucker come home
and go to sleep and don't wrap her hair,
like, mm-mm.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
Wake your ass up.
Mm-mm-mm.
I just paid for that shit.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
You gonna get up and...
If you're gonna act like that,
you should've got braids.
This is the time.
Get you a good woman.
You wanna get out the game anyway.
You find you one.
And if you still think
a great woman is based upon
her physical appearance
or her sexual performance,
nigga, kill yourself.
No, I'm saying, you... look, that's not...
I'm not saying that's not important.
I said, you need more than that.
Don't just settle for that.
You're gonna need more than that
for your own future.
Next four years, man,
the most valuable shit you have
is your time.
How you spend it,
how you distribute it, your time.
You ain't got no time to be fucking
with four, seven, eight, twelve women.
Shit don't work.
Get you one of the good ones.
And if the sexual desire you have,
that thirst,
our women are the women
you want to fuck with.
Because all you have to do is convince her
that you are her man.
And once she knows she has a man,
then all the freaky shit
she ever wanted to do,
she's going to do it with you now
under the terms
that I am doing it with my man.
And when your woman get like that,
she gonna give you so much pussy,
you're gonna have to play like you asleep.
That motherfucker gonna come in the house,
"Baby, you up?" "Mm-mm."
"If you ain't up, why you talking?"
"I talk in my sleep."
"I don't want no pussy today."
"We just came from Bible study."
"What verse was this?"
"Put your panties on.
Take that ball out your mouth."
"This is ridiculous."
"I'm tired as fuck."
She's like, "I'm ovulating."
Fuck the ova and later.
Tell both of them I said later.
That's why I love them toys.
Because I'm a hell of a wingman.
That rose give you the day off.
I work the shit out that rose.
Mm.
Ha-ha-ha, ee.
Ah, ee, ah.
You can watch the game.
"Shoot the ball, motherfucker."
"Oh, my fault, baby." "Ee."
"Ah, ee, ah."
"Rub your shoulder
Come on, now, you're being selfish."
"Ee, ah."
"Ee, ah..."
"There you go, there you go."
We got a gusher.
Keep your wet ass over there.
Don't come over here.
You need sheets for your side of bed.
Ain't nothing wrong with mine.
I'm dry over here.
It's wet over there. I'm dry.
And you ain't squirting right now.
You pissing in my bed.
That is piss. You ain't squirting.
I smell the asparagus.
That's asparagus. I smell it.
That is asparagus.
I smell asparagus.
Find you a motherfuckin' woman, man.
Especially you older motherfuckers,
get out the game, man.
Quality over quantity.
You get that, you in there.
Plus, if you honest with yourself
as a man, dawg,
as you get older,
you know you ain't throwin' that dick
like you used to.
These ain't jokes.
Even if you don't come
to that realization mentally
or mature to that,
your body lets you know
you ain't like that no more.
You'll see a bunch
of women over there. Boy...
You'll be like,
"Boy, I'd tear that pussy up."
Your dick be like, "Look here, man."
We gotta get up in the morning.
We ain't got time to fuck with these hoes.
Nigga, we lost $300 last time
fucking with these hoes.
Let's get them next Thursday.
You off next Thursday.
You can fuck three of them next Thursday.
You ain't gotta get up or nothing.
You gotta convince your dick to get hard.
"Come on, do it."
I really like this one.
She said it's her birthday.
Do it for your boy.
Why didn't you go down
before I gave her the money?
And some of you men so desperate
to stay on these streets
fucking with these women,
taking all that Cialis and Viagra,
be tearing that pussy up
with a migraine.
"Come on, I don't know how long
Daddy can stay on this pussy now."
All my blood done went
around my ankles and my knees.
"You ain't got no Tylenol #3?"
"Daddy gonna have to take a nap,
but I'll get you in the morning."
"If you got a Midol,
I got 30 more seconds."
There's a man in here right now
just took a half of Cialis.
Mm.
"Siri, set the timer for 30 minutes."
I feel sorry for the man
who take that Viagra or Cialis
and the woman don't show up.
He just be on his porch,
"Ain't this some shit?"
"I told her I got her $40."
But you gotta make some grown rules
with your brothers.
As a grown man, you'll have
to have conversations with yourself.
Like, one of the conversations is,
what's the standard of living
you wanna have for the rest of your life?
And what you gonna do to maintain it?
That's why it's important
to have a woman in your life.
'Cause you walk up to her and say, "Baby,
what's the standard of living
we wanna have for the rest of our lives?"
She says,
"What the fuck you talking about?"
Say, "Look, we got two options."
"First option is this,
we can live bare necessities."
"We just buy nothing
but the necessities and our needs."
"And all the extra money we accumulate,
we'll give it to an investment banker
and let him invest it."
"Or option number two,
we can ball till we fall."
"And when we get 70 years old,
we can sell this raggedy ass house,
move into a one-bedroom apartment,
and then work as greeters at Walmart."
"Now we got two choices, bitch.
Which one do you want to do?"
"I don't want you to be 50 years old,
'What we gonna do about retirement?'"
"I tried to bring this shit up
ten years ago."
"But you wanted to go see Beyonc
and get some red bottoms."
"Now we gotta sleep
in that Chanel purse you just bought."
Me?
I'm a ball until you fall
type motherfucker.
I mean, who wanna have
a lot of money when they old
and your hip don't work?
Fuckin' on some old pussy.
Give me my pussy
while I was in this prime.
These ain't jokes.
Reason I came up with this,
I had a nightmare and a dream.
These ain't jokes.
My nightmare was, I was watching
my personally own episode of Unsung.
For white people
that don't know about that TV show,
it's equivalent to your show, um,
Where Are They Now?
So my episode of Unsung,
I was 89 years old in a wheelchair
with a fat, ugly bitch whooping my ass.
And all I was saying,
"I'mma tell my social worker
what you've been doing to me."
I bet you won't get no August check.
And you ain't give me no applesauce.
And all I could think about is,
"Goddamn, what happened to all my money?"
I'm frugal with my money.
I don't live beyond my means.
And then worse than anything,
what happened to my baby, my woman?
How I get stuck
with a fat, ugly motherfucker
who don't give a fuck about me?
Then I woke up.
And I saw it was a nightmare,
and I was sweating.
And I immediately went to Chase Bank
and took all my money out.
And took it
and gave it to an investment banker.
I said, "Hey man,
I want you to invest this money."
"And this is the standard of living
I want to live for the rest of my life."
He looked at the money and said,
"This is a substantial amount of money
right here. We could definitely do this."
"Just tell us,
how do you want me to invest your money?"
"Do you want me to be aggressive?"
"Do you want me to be conservative?"
"Where do you want me to put your money?"
"I said, "Oh, that's easy."
"Put my money somewhere
that I don't have to come back down here
and kill your motherfucking ass."
"Because if you lose all my money,
I'm killing everybody in this bitch."
"You, your ugly ass wife,
that dog underneath your table,
those fish in that aquarium."
"Fuck that shit."
Hey, baby, listen,
me and you made a conscious decision
that we gonna forego our youth
in this chain,
so when we get older,
we can sit on our ass.
And we take all our extras
and give it to this investment banker,
and he invests it,
and he sends us documents every month
showing how our money is increasing.
And it finally gets to a point,
we're like, "Hey, we got enough money."
"Let's go down there and get our money,
man, and we retire, baby."
And we go down to this nigga's office,
and that white man look us in the face,
"You ain't even gonna believe this shit."
You ain't believe
you gonna live, motherfucker.
You gonna get me my money today.
Not tomorrow, today.
Or I'm killing everybody in this bitch.
These ain't jokes, man.
I be watching American Greed.
Them motherfuckers be robbing
the shit out of them motherfuckers.
But some of the people bring
that on themselves.
Like Bernie Madoff could have never
got my money.
His last name is Madoff.
I watch Law & Order, nigga. That's a clue.
They was like,
"We gonna give your money to Mr. Madoff."
"Mm, no.
You ain't got nobody here named Smith?"
And the only reason
I'm telling y'all this,
God forbid something happen to me
and my family get on social media
with a GoFundMe page.
Don't give them niggas shit.
I left some money for me to be buried.
That's why you gotta have
a motherfuckin' woman in your life.
Somebody that you can depend on,
and is a good woman in your life.
And in my humble opinion, brothers,
if you're gonna pick a woman,
make sure you pick a woman
that you can afford.
Yes!
I'm not talking about financial.
I'm talking about expectation.
Every woman on this earth has
the expectation
of the man she wants in her life.
She don't know who he is,
but she damn sure know what he is.
So when you pick a woman,
you want to at least meet up
to the expectation she wants in her life.
You do not want to fall below it.
In other words, if you meet a woman
who have worldly aspirations,
want the finer things in life,
and want to ball all around the world,
but right now in your life,
you are living with your mama,
just receive the pussy, then let her go.
Tell her, "Thank you very much,
but I can't afford you."
I don't wanna hold you back
from your blessings.
Especially if you have no desire
to meet those qualifications.
And ain't nothing wrong with it.
That means that ain't your woman.
Remember, you're looking for Miss Right,
not Miss Right Now.
You will meet your woman's expectations.
Being man enough, like,
"Nah, you're too much for me, baby."
"I can't afford you."
Some of you men can't do that.
Because your ego.
You have a problem with women
that want a certain standard of living.
When they put it upon you
and you don't wanna do it,
you look at them
and call them gold diggers.
Look at that gold digger. I ain't fucking
with it. Let's correct this shit.
To be a gold digger, nigga,
you must at least have gold.
See, one thing about women,
they do settle.
And they do compromise.
And you as a man,
if you know you're not meeting up to
that woman's standard of the man she want,
nor do you have no desire on doing it,
and you make her your woman,
you're playing a dangerous game.
Because God forbid,
if y'all ever go through
some hard motherfucking times,
or you fuck up like we do. Men fuck up,
and she run into that work husband
who... meet those expectations she wants...
...I hate to break it to you, player,
but your baby gone quick.
And it's gonna be quick too. Like, pe-ew.
Do you know how "pe-ew" is?
Pe-ew, pe-ew, pe-ew.
She gonna be gone like that. Pe-ew.
Have you singing one of them '70s songs?
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
Why, oh, why did you have to leave me
And go away?
These ain't jokes.
I know this.
My father could not afford my mother.
I used to look at my parents all the time
and be like,
"Daddy, how'd you get her?"
"This don't match."
My mother was a debutante.
My mother was that chick.
My mother hung out with
some of the biggest stars in the world.
When I see my mother and father,
it was like looking at
Diana Ross and Grady from Sanford and Son.
My mother was that chick.
My mama dated the biggest star.
I remember one time she hollered it out.
My mother let you know
who she fucked with.
She didn't give a fuck where we was at.
I remember one time
we was at Thanksgiving,
just having dinner, whole family around.
My mother just hollered out, "You know
your mama fucked with Marvin Gaye."
I said, "You used to fuck with
Marvin Gaye?" She's like, "Yeah."
I just looked her in the face and said,
"Well, how'd you blow that?"
"No offense, Daddy,
but I'd rather be a Gaye."
"I don't even want no yams
after hearing this bullshit."
"You couldn't trap him?
They say he was on drugs."
These ain't jokes.
Don't get it twisted.
She ran that motherfucking house
with an iron fucking arm.
She didn't play, nigga. Her word was word.
We had to adjust to my mother.
My mother wake up in the morning
and she in a good mood,
that means everybody in the house
got permission to have a good day today.
My mama wake up in the morning and she...
she in a bad mood and she pissed off,
it's hell to pay.
I don't give a fuck what you do,
what it is, she cussing your ass out.
Your father can't help
because this nigga can't talk.
She is making it miserable.
You'd rather be in jail
than in my mama's house
when she's in that mood.
It's so bad the dog
just jump over the fence,
and say, "I'll live in the alley
before I go back in that house."
Don't get me wrong,
I love my mama to death,
but if she wasn't my mama, nigga,
I wouldn't fuck with her.
She ain't my kind of woman.
People always come to me, "Don't you wanna
marry a woman just like your mama?"
Fuck no.
I used to tell my daddy all the time,
"Nigga, why you still here?"
"I know why I'm here.
I'm only eight years old."
"You got a car and a job.
Get out of here, Daddy. Ride."
"Find some happiness.
Get out of here, Daddy. Go, go."
I used to treat him
like we was on a plantation.
"You gets out of here.
Bitch, you gets, you hear me? You gets."
"Don't you come back here no more."
"You runs and you runs
until you can't runs no more."
"You hears me, Daddy?"
I was like a white woman
in a horror movie. "Go without me."
"Save yourself."
"There's no reason
for the monster to get both of us."
"Daddy, go!"
These ain't jokes.
Me and my mother got along,
but I let her know all the time,
you better stop
taking your husband for granted,
treating him like that.
Got my father out here
working eight, nine jobs
to maintain a standard of living
we both know y'all can't afford.
My mother was a true Black woman,
just looked me in the face.
"He a'ight."
I said, "He's 80 with a paper route."
My friend be like,
"What kind of pussy your mama got?"
"She got this nigga throwing papers
in his 80s."
And I got money,
so I try to help my father out.
Like, "Daddy,
you don't need all them jobs. I got you."
"No, no, no, no, no, no."
"She's my responsibility."
I said, "You can't afford her no more."
He said, "I can't afford her?"
I said, "Daddy, you got a paper route."
You're delivering
Tuesday's papers on Saturdays.
He done look me in the face,
"But they got it though, didn't they?"
These ain't jokes.
I told my mama, me and mama was honest.
I said, "You better pray to God
you leave this earth before he do."
"'Cause if Daddy leave first,
you ain't living with me."
"And if you do live with me,
you're gonna earn your keeps in my house."
"Fuck that shit. You're gonna do
some vacuuming or some dusting."
"You ain't gonna be walking around
this bitch like you Queen Sheba
with them little furry-ass slippers on
and that rat dog you got. Fuck that."
I'mma go buy a Patti LaBelle cookbook,
like, "Pick a page."
Man, fuck that.
My mother knows
she has unrealistic expectations.
Got my daddy out there like that.
But I remember when my daddy died, man.
I went to see him.
I was at the funeral home,
and I looked in the casket.
My... my father was just smiling.
I just rubbed him on the knee.
"You free now, player."
When you get to heaven,
don't you date her ass no more.
When she come through that gate,
I want you to hide behind the clouds.
I don't want
you giving her your afterlife too, Daddy.
I was eight years old
when I knew my daddy ain't had no rights.
I came to my daddy, I said,
"Daddy, can I go outside?"
He said, "Sure."
I said, "What time I gotta be back?"
He said, "Till the street lights come on."
I said, "Ooh, thank you, Daddy."
I said, "You see that little girl there?"
He said, "Yeah."
I said, "That's my friend.
That's Kim. I'm trying to be with her."
"That's my girl, man, and um...
and my two friends right there,
we about to walk
down to the candy store, Daddy."
"Can you give me some money so I can get
something from the candy lady?"
He said, "Sure, champ."
Gave me five dollars.
You know how much five dollars was in 72?
Soon as he put it in my hand,
I was already imagining
how I'd go down to the candy lady
and buy that bitch out.
Just kick the screen door.
Give me 15 Chick-O-Sticks,
five bags
of motherfucking sunflower seeds...
14 motherfucking Sugar Daddies,
four goddamn Tootsie Rolls,
four honey buns, three grape sodas.
Oh, that's
my little girlfriend right there.
Give her the candy necklace.
I'm really trying
to get her to be my girlfriend.
Give her the bracelet too.
So how much I got? Four dollars left?
Hold on to that
because I'm coming back here
and buy this bitch out
again and again and again.
I'm Earthquake, y'all.
Thank y'all very much.
There ain't another
About to grind like me
There ain't another
About to shine like me
There ain't another survivor
That's why others can't
See, everybody else ain't me
There ain't another
About to grind like me
There ain't another
About to shine like me
There ain't another survivor
That's why the others can't
See, everybody else ain't me
Make moves and don't settle
Break moves and pay dues
Then go level
I'm kicking the door
Don't last if they'll let you
If winning a world sport
I have me a gold medal
And a gold bezel
A little shine on my wrist
You see me coming
You know what time it is
Go ring the alarm
I'm bringing it all
When you come to my stage
Make sure you bring the applause
I'm a showstopper, globetrotter...
Mm, that was good!
When I got out the military,
they said Atlanta is
the mecca for Black people.
But when I got up here,
they only had three hustles.
Illegal pharmaceuticals,
stripping, and the music business.
I wasn't in none of those.
So I went on and opened my own comedy club
and been in
the joke-telling business ever since.
Atlanta! Atlanta!
Goddamn it. Goddamn it.
I love Atlanta. This is where I started.
Goddamn it. This is my comedy home.
Goddamn right, this is my comedy home.
I live in LA right now.
Yeah, that motherfucker was on fire.
Everything was burning.
My boys called me and said,
"Quake, did you lose your house?"
I said, "Not to the fire."
Divorce took my goddamn house.
I can still see that motherfucker.
I was praying to God,
"Burn that motherfucker down, God."
Give me the justice
that the courts refuse to do.
I was in Portland, man,
and I go to Portland...
and when I go to Portland, I'm surprised
because I have never seen so many
struggling white people in my life.
Just laying homeless on the ground,
just like it's sofas
or they're at the Ritz-Carlton.
I'm just stepping over them. Look at God.
I thought it just was us.
It was like New Jack City, man.
I'm telling you, the car,
but they was all on drugs
and just good white folks.
You could just tell
they had mothers and fathers and dreams.
One white homeless dude came, and said,
"Brother, can you spare a dollar?"
I said, "Absolutely not."
"You white, for cryin' sakes."
Shake it off.
Pull yourself up from your bootstrap.
All you need is a shower and a suit,
and you'll be my supervisor by tomorrow.
These ain't jokes.
I'm telling you that's how it is, man,
but it's getting rough out here.
Chick came to me the other day and said,
"Quake, I'll suck your dick
for a dozen eggs."
I said, "What you do for two?"
I get mine from Costco.
They give you three dozen.
I give you two
for that thing-a-thing thing.
Man, she sucked my dick
and ate my groceries.
I'm selling chickens now.
Anytime she comes over,
you gonna get some chicken from me.
These ain't jokes.
I've seen a homeless dude
with a girlfriend.
Then I start thinking,
"You're a bad motherfucker."
"You had a bitch that lives with you
underneath the bridge."
You are slinging some dick.
You know how good your dick gotta be for
a bitch to live with you outside? Nigga...
You got that mm, mm, mm.
You got that one-hitter quitter,
that bitch gotta get her.
That's an outstanding dick.
And she was faithful, she was devoted.
'Cause it was raining outside.
She was mopping up
the motherfucking corner,
keeping the water
from going underneath the tent and shit.
I said, "What kind of dick do he got?"
She was under the bridge, dusting it.
Had pictures of her begging for food.
I said, "What kind of dick does he got?"
Two days later, I came outside.
She was on the corner
by her damn self with a sign,
so I immediately thought
that they had broke up.
Till I looked at the sign.
The sign said, "We will work for food."
That's when I knew
they were still together.
I started looking for him
to see where he was at.
This motherfucker was
underneath the tree taking a nap
while his woman was on the corner
begging for goddamn food and money.
I couldn't take it no more.
I stopped my car, went over there,
woke that motherfucker up and said,
"Pull your pants down.
Let me see what you got."
"I need to see
what kind of dick you need to sling
to get this kind of effort
out of a woman."
I bought my wife a house and a car,
and I can't get this bitch
to fix me a sandwich.
So who the real hoe in these streets?
You come home late at night,
drunk as shit.
"Baby, can you fix me something to eat?"
"Well, I had a long day."
But this nigga got his bitch
cleaning up outside now.
I don't ask for much,
but you gotta outwork a homeless bitch.
Now get your ass up
and fix me something to eat
before I take you outside
and put her ass inside.
These ain't jokes.
We got a new president now.
He ain't playing.
You know who he is?
Mr. Charlie.
White boy hatcher.
And he ain't playing at all, motherfucker.
He is not playing.
Where my Latinos at?
Damn, only two?
Trump done threw
your ass out of here quick.
I'll say this from the bottom of my heart.
I think I speak for all Black people.
Good luck.
That white man looking for you.
You're hot right now.
Split up.
This ain't the time to be riding six,
seven deep in a pickup truck.
He gonna throw your ass up out of here.
You don't know this white man like I do.
Stay away from Home Depot.
Don't pick up no lawn mower.
Don't move no refrigerator.
Don't you do none of that shit.
That white man looking for you.
And don't sell no fruit
on the side of the road.
He know goddamn well you don't get
all that fruit for five dollars.
And sell American food.
Don't fuck with no tacos,
enchiladas, none of that shit.
And if you gonna sell American food,
make sure your ass know
the condiments that go on it.
Mayonnaise don't go on corn on the cob.
Butter, salt, and pepper.
These ain't jokes.
I'm just trying to keep they ass in here.
And Black people, y'all better not laugh.
This is a test run for our ass.
We next.
I ain't lying to you. We fucking next.
You gonna go see your boy.
"Where Tyrone at?"
"Man, Trump done sent that nigga
to Nicaragua."
He said, "All real niggas
gotta go to Nicaragua."
If you a real nigga,
you going to Nicaragua.
He ain't fuck with me, yo.
I'm African American.
Trump a bad motherfucker, dawg.
These ain't jokes.
Hey, listen.
I thought Kamala was gonna win.
I support Black women.
I was so confident, nigga.
I fell asleep on the election.
Woke up the next morning
and looked at the map.
I said, "Who shot America?"
Did she win any votes?
Did you count my vote?
What happened to the AKAs, and...
And the Deltas and the... the Swifties,
and the Beyhives, and the Mad Bunnies,
and the women's right to vote?
What happened to them motherfuckers?
Trump whooped all they ass.
Whooped all they ass.
But you know what... know what I learned
watching that election?
I learned one goddamn thing.
There's no such thing as
an unqualified white man.
His pigmentation is his qualification.
Because Trump had 34 felonies,
and he still became
President of the United States.
I know R. Kelly in jail
madder than a motherfucker.
"I only have four
and you won't let a nigga sing a song."
"He can be president,
but I can't drop an album?"
"I gotta sing through a collect call."
We gotta get R. Kelly back home.
We got to get R home.
R got to come home.
But he's coming home
because they got Puffy now.
You know the rule, nigga.
One nigga in, one nigga out.
Goddamn Puffy. Got his ass.
That sexual assault is, damn...
They're trying to get Smokey.
I'm so glad
my mama ain't allowed to see this shit.
She'd be in court every day.
"That's not my Smokey."
"Look at his eyes."
"He don't have to take no pussy.
Look at that Smokey."
I do a lot of goddamn interviews,
you know,
because all these people coming back
making these accusations.
One dude came to me.
The reporter said, "Quake,
do you feel any women in your past
gonna come back
and say that you took advantage of them
or something?"
I said, "Hell nah."
He said, "Damn, you said
that shit with confidence."
I said, "I'm very confident."
He said, "Why are you confident?"
I'm confident
because I paid for all my pussy.
Every piece of it.
I earned every pussy.
I ain't never got no free pussy.
I had to walk them home from school.
I had to do all that shit.
Help them with their homework,
raise another man's child.
I earned all my pussy.
These ain't jokes.
When I read the indictment,
sexual assault and sexual trafficking,
that's the one that got me.
It said, "Sex trafficking means
you went to another state to have sex."
I'm like, "Oh shit."
"I'm a sex trafficker."
I've been sex trafficking all my life.
I got to turn myself in.
These ain't jokes.
I could never go over
to another woman's house in another state
that wasn't my woman
and sleep over at her house.
I don't do away games.
Home field advantage or neutral site.
Ain't no way I could ever do that shit.
All you men, sit down there
and go stay over at another woman's house,
sleeping, and it ain't your woman,
you got nuts.
Fuck around and fall asleep,
her last boyfriend got a key,
come in that motherfucker,
hit you in the head.
Now you woke up
with your dick out fighting them.
Come on, let me put my dick back here.
You got some drawers?
Let me put my drawers on.
You sitting there wrestling
with your dick on his thigh.
You be like, "Come on, man,
let me take my dick off your thigh."
These ain't jokes.
It's hard out here in these streets,
but they're attacking Black fathers now.
They are.
Look what they did
to my boy Deion Sanders.
All he tried to do
was get his son a better draft choice.
They got so motherfucking mad
that what they do,
dropped that boy all the way down.
He was waiting so long to get drafted.
Nigga, they drafted me first.
But the one that broke my heart
more than anything, LeBron James.
People talking shit,
especially in our own community.
"Only reason Bronny is on the Lakers is
because of who his father is."
You're goddamn right.
That shows you what type of father he is
and also how great of a player he is.
He got him on the Lakers.
One of the most historic
fucking franchises out.
Ain't like he got him on the Pelicans.
Nigga, that's an achievement.
And if you think that shit's easy,
I'll tell you right now,
motherfucker, go home and go to your job
and see if they'd hire your fucking son.
Your supervisor look you in the face,
"Nigga, we don't even want you."
"Think we gonna bring
another sorry motherfucker in here
like your sorry ass?"
I love being a father, Black father.
My son around here right now.
Best day, when I see him...
made me the happiest
is when he graduated from college.
When I seen him
walk across that stage, I cried.
I was like, "Yeah, that's my son."
People were like, "You so proud of him."
I'm like, "Fuck that. I ain't proud
of him. I'm proud of myself."
No more tuition. This nigga is over.
When he walked across that stage,
I was like, "Look at that budget cut."
I paid for all that tuition
and everything.
Now he on his own.
So I asked my son, I said,
"Son, now that you done graduated,
what do you wanna be?"
He go and look me in the face and said,
"Daddy, I think I'mma stay in school
and get my masters."
I looked him in the face and said,
"Nah, nigga, I think you've done enough."
"You exceeded my expectations."
"You just showing out now, nigga."
"Time for you to come on out of there.
Time to get a job, motherfucker.
Fuck that."
Come on out here so AI can take your job.
These ain't jokes.
Scariest day ever
while my son was in school,
he had an active shooter on his campus.
Yeah, I woke up, turned on CNN,
seen my son's school.
They said
it's an active shooter on the campus.
I said, "Oh God,
let me go put my clothes on."
"Let me go see my... my son."
And then they said,
"The shooter is in the library."
I went back to sleep.
I said, "I know my son ain't in there."
He don't fuck with that room.
I've seen his grades.
If he gets shot in the library,
that's God's will.
Because I prayed
for him to go in there and study.
I asked the Lord to put him in that room.
These ain't jokes.
No, because it's rough.
You got to be a father too. You see it.
Can't even go to Lenox no more.
That smash and grab is for real.
Now, I don't have a problem
with you going into these big stores
like Chanel, goddamn, uh, Louis Vuitton.
Come on, nigga, CVS?
They're stealing so much shit out of CVS,
nigga, when you go in there,
they got the toothpaste
behind the counter.
You gotta say,
"Give me that Crest right there."
"The big one, nigga. The big one!"
I mean, they steal that...
don't get me wrong.
When we grew up, we stole. We shoplifted.
We didn't try to take
the whole motherfucking store.
We had plans. We took the shit we wanted.
And we... we was Mission: Impossible.
We were slick about our shit.
We'd get together and say, "Hey, you go
in there and talk to the security guard,
and you talk to the cashier."
"While y'all doing that shit,
I'mma snatch all the candy
and meet y'all in the alley."
We never got together and said,
"All right, all 14 of us...
...we'll go in this store
and take all this shit."
See, that shit don't look scary on TV,
but in real life,
that snatch and grab some scary shit.
I was in CVS,
and 14 brothers ran in that bitch.
I was like,
"White people, call the authorities."
This is an outrage.
I'm flabbergasted.
I'm appalled.
I ran to the security guard,
"Do something!"
He looked me in the face,
"They say, 'Don't do nothing.'"
I ran to the cashier.
I said, "Hit your panic button.
We're being robbed."
She's like,
"We don't have no panic button."
I said, "Well, call the police
and tell them
your baby daddy back up here."
So these motherfuckers going
up and down the aisle,
just taking everything,
just stealing the whole store.
So I'm like,
"Shit, let me go get some toilet paper."
I go get the toilet paper.
These brothers done stole
all the toilet paper.
Who steals toilet paper?
I looked at the young brother.
I said, "Brother,
can you at least leave one roll?"
He looked me in the face,
"Oh, I'm sorry, OG, here you go."
"I ain't even know
that was you, Earthquake."
I said, "Nigga, don't say my name
in this motherfucker."
"All these police
and these cameras and shit."
"They think I'm in here
stealing shit, nigga."
"Give me... Give me
that goddamn toilet paper, man."
Fuck out of here.
So I wanted to grab the toilet paper
and go out the door,
but I ain't wanna walk out there,
police come, shoot me,
thinking I'm with them niggas.
So I stand over by the cashier,
so when the police come, they know
I ain't got shit to do with this.
But these motherfuckers
are still in the store.
Just still in the store taking their time.
So I'm holding the toilet paper.
I got tired of holding toilet paper.
So I just put it on the counter
near the cashier.
Do you know this motherfucker
gonna pick it up and ring it up?
"That'll be $4.50."
"Bitch, I ain't giving you
no goddamn money."
"Better put that shit in the bag.
Let me get the fuck on out of here."
"One more roll of toilet paper
ain't gonna help you with this shit."
"Put that shit on the police report."
"I see why they robbing this bitch."
"You gonna charge me
and they still in the store."
"Fuck you, hoe."
It's rough out here.
That's why I ain't getting me...
I ain't having no more kids, baby.
I'm out the kids' business.
Matter of fact,
I went and got that vasectomy.
I went right to my doctor's office
and put my own leg in the stirrup.
Do what you gotta do, doc.
We'll fill out that paperwork later.
Come on, nigga, do it.
He was cutting my shit,
and I saw smoke coming up.
I just turned my head.
I was like a woman you taking home
that's mad at you,
just looking out the window.
All my friends were like,
"Why you get a vasectomy?"
I said, "Because
the dick no longer can be trusted."
Taking the bullets out of this gun.
Can't afford no more murder charges.
Shoot up the club and go home,
and don't worry about nothing.
No, I ain't leaving nothing. No... nothing.
Plus, I'm in my 60s.
It's too late to be having kids.
I feel... I feel sorry for you old brothers
still out here in the game.
You better get out these streets
and find you a woman.
I feel sorry when I see them old dudes...
with a one-year-old baby.
Him and the baby got on Pampers.
Kill yourself, you old-ass pimp.
He be trying to catch him too.
"Come back here. Come back here."
"That boy quicker
than a motherfucker. Come back here, boy."
You and your baby got
the same amount of doctor's appointments.
You arguing with the mother,
"Why would you make his on Tuesday
when you know I got two on Tuesday?"
Kill yourself, you old ass player.
Your grandson and your son
in the same class.
Your son come home from school, talking,
"I'm tired of going to school
with my uncle, Daddy."
He be showing out at the cafeteria,
talking about, "Nephew, come here."
"Bring that cookie with you.
Nephew, come here!"
"It's your uncle talking to you.
Respect your elders."
Sixties, you don't supposed to be
still in these streets.
You got to make a decision.
Find you a motherfucking woman.
And you need one now
because these next four years
is going to be rough.
You don't know how
this financial situation is gonna happen.
But Trump is about to tear this money out.
He's robbing this motherfucker
in plain daylight.
This nigga's been... He's monetizing
the White House more than Facebook,
any of that shit.
He is the motherfucking man.
I'm from Washington, DC.
We have federal workers,
and they're some of the most confident,
arrogant employees you'll ever meet.
Because they felt
they could not get fired.
Trump took that shit away.
Just told the motherfucker,
"Don't come to work on Friday."
Read the email.
In these next four years,
you don't know if it'll affect you or not.
And as a man,
you better make sure you have somebody
on your side that can hold you down,
just in case your pockets get fucked up.
And what I think it is, it's a woman.
Women always got money.
They keep it in their left titty.
Quiet is kept.
That was the first Cash App.
"Mama, you ain't give me no lunch money."
"Oh, my fault, baby. My fault. My fault."
Had a little baby powder
on it, but it was straight.
These ain't jokes.
God forbid if you have an illness
and you need somebody to take care of you.
Jamie Foxx, good friend of mine,
had a medical emergency.
Fortunately, he had
his daughter on his side
that was able to sit here
and maintain his business
till he went through rehabilitation
to get back on his fucking feet.
Many people ain't gonna take care of you
when you can't take care of yourself.
And I hate to tell all you men out here
that think you got all these women
on your Rolodex and your rosters,
but I hate to break it to you,
but side bitches are terrible caregivers.
A side bitch come see you in a hospital,
rubbing you on the leg,
"Tell me when you get back
on your feet, OG."
And you done forgot
you gave her your credit card.
You laying in a hospital
getting fraud alerts.
Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing, bing,
bing, bing, bing,
bing-bing-bing, bing, bing,
bing, bing, bing-bing-bing.
"Oh, this bitch is robbing me to death."
Bing, b-b-bing-bing-bing,
bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
"Oh shit, my house now."
Bing, b-b-bing, bing.
"Doctor, take this mask off."
Bing, b-b-bing.
"I need to use your phone."
Bing, bing-bing-bing, bing, bing.
"You need to call your family?"
"No, Bank of America."
Bing, bing-bing-bing, bing, bing.
Push four for fraud.
Some of you men ain't laughing
because you with her right now.
You know she ain't gonna fuck with you.
These ain't jokes.
Better find you somebody.
Get the fuck up out the game.
And if you fuck with Black women,
it's the best time
to find a good Black woman.
The pickings has never been better.
The draft is great.
No, there's so many qualified Black women.
- You want to know why?
- Why?
Because there's very few
of us heterosexual men
who could take on
the responsibility of having a woman
and the responsibility of it.
It is what it is.
And believe me, if you do take on
the financial responsibility of your woman
and you fuck with one of our women,
I have a PSA announcement for you.
If you get the choice
between paying her condo
or paying for the upkeep of her hair,
nigga, take the condo.
It's a set rate.
It don't fluctuate.
Condo, you know what you need every month.
Hair, you don't know what it's gonna be.
It goes from two dollars to 250,000.
All depends on who's doing it,
how much you gettin' done,
and what time she gettin' it done.
If you do take on your woman's
financial responsibility for her hair,
like I do with my woman,
you'll have
a whole new respect for bonnets, nigga.
I pay for my woman's hair,
we go out and have a good time,
that motherfucker come home
and go to sleep and don't wrap her hair,
like, mm-mm.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
Wake your ass up.
Mm-mm-mm.
I just paid for that shit.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
You gonna get up and...
If you're gonna act like that,
you should've got braids.
This is the time.
Get you a good woman.
You wanna get out the game anyway.
You find you one.
And if you still think
a great woman is based upon
her physical appearance
or her sexual performance,
nigga, kill yourself.
No, I'm saying, you... look, that's not...
I'm not saying that's not important.
I said, you need more than that.
Don't just settle for that.
You're gonna need more than that
for your own future.
Next four years, man,
the most valuable shit you have
is your time.
How you spend it,
how you distribute it, your time.
You ain't got no time to be fucking
with four, seven, eight, twelve women.
Shit don't work.
Get you one of the good ones.
And if the sexual desire you have,
that thirst,
our women are the women
you want to fuck with.
Because all you have to do is convince her
that you are her man.
And once she knows she has a man,
then all the freaky shit
she ever wanted to do,
she's going to do it with you now
under the terms
that I am doing it with my man.
And when your woman get like that,
she gonna give you so much pussy,
you're gonna have to play like you asleep.
That motherfucker gonna come in the house,
"Baby, you up?" "Mm-mm."
"If you ain't up, why you talking?"
"I talk in my sleep."
"I don't want no pussy today."
"We just came from Bible study."
"What verse was this?"
"Put your panties on.
Take that ball out your mouth."
"This is ridiculous."
"I'm tired as fuck."
She's like, "I'm ovulating."
Fuck the ova and later.
Tell both of them I said later.
That's why I love them toys.
Because I'm a hell of a wingman.
That rose give you the day off.
I work the shit out that rose.
Mm.
Ha-ha-ha, ee.
Ah, ee, ah.
You can watch the game.
"Shoot the ball, motherfucker."
"Oh, my fault, baby." "Ee."
"Ah, ee, ah."
"Rub your shoulder
Come on, now, you're being selfish."
"Ee, ah."
"Ee, ah..."
"There you go, there you go."
We got a gusher.
Keep your wet ass over there.
Don't come over here.
You need sheets for your side of bed.
Ain't nothing wrong with mine.
I'm dry over here.
It's wet over there. I'm dry.
And you ain't squirting right now.
You pissing in my bed.
That is piss. You ain't squirting.
I smell the asparagus.
That's asparagus. I smell it.
That is asparagus.
I smell asparagus.
Find you a motherfuckin' woman, man.
Especially you older motherfuckers,
get out the game, man.
Quality over quantity.
You get that, you in there.
Plus, if you honest with yourself
as a man, dawg,
as you get older,
you know you ain't throwin' that dick
like you used to.
These ain't jokes.
Even if you don't come
to that realization mentally
or mature to that,
your body lets you know
you ain't like that no more.
You'll see a bunch
of women over there. Boy...
You'll be like,
"Boy, I'd tear that pussy up."
Your dick be like, "Look here, man."
We gotta get up in the morning.
We ain't got time to fuck with these hoes.
Nigga, we lost $300 last time
fucking with these hoes.
Let's get them next Thursday.
You off next Thursday.
You can fuck three of them next Thursday.
You ain't gotta get up or nothing.
You gotta convince your dick to get hard.
"Come on, do it."
I really like this one.
She said it's her birthday.
Do it for your boy.
Why didn't you go down
before I gave her the money?
And some of you men so desperate
to stay on these streets
fucking with these women,
taking all that Cialis and Viagra,
be tearing that pussy up
with a migraine.
"Come on, I don't know how long
Daddy can stay on this pussy now."
All my blood done went
around my ankles and my knees.
"You ain't got no Tylenol #3?"
"Daddy gonna have to take a nap,
but I'll get you in the morning."
"If you got a Midol,
I got 30 more seconds."
There's a man in here right now
just took a half of Cialis.
Mm.
"Siri, set the timer for 30 minutes."
I feel sorry for the man
who take that Viagra or Cialis
and the woman don't show up.
He just be on his porch,
"Ain't this some shit?"
"I told her I got her $40."
But you gotta make some grown rules
with your brothers.
As a grown man, you'll have
to have conversations with yourself.
Like, one of the conversations is,
what's the standard of living
you wanna have for the rest of your life?
And what you gonna do to maintain it?
That's why it's important
to have a woman in your life.
'Cause you walk up to her and say, "Baby,
what's the standard of living
we wanna have for the rest of our lives?"
She says,
"What the fuck you talking about?"
Say, "Look, we got two options."
"First option is this,
we can live bare necessities."
"We just buy nothing
but the necessities and our needs."
"And all the extra money we accumulate,
we'll give it to an investment banker
and let him invest it."
"Or option number two,
we can ball till we fall."
"And when we get 70 years old,
we can sell this raggedy ass house,
move into a one-bedroom apartment,
and then work as greeters at Walmart."
"Now we got two choices, bitch.
Which one do you want to do?"
"I don't want you to be 50 years old,
'What we gonna do about retirement?'"
"I tried to bring this shit up
ten years ago."
"But you wanted to go see Beyonc
and get some red bottoms."
"Now we gotta sleep
in that Chanel purse you just bought."
Me?
I'm a ball until you fall
type motherfucker.
I mean, who wanna have
a lot of money when they old
and your hip don't work?
Fuckin' on some old pussy.
Give me my pussy
while I was in this prime.
These ain't jokes.
Reason I came up with this,
I had a nightmare and a dream.
These ain't jokes.
My nightmare was, I was watching
my personally own episode of Unsung.
For white people
that don't know about that TV show,
it's equivalent to your show, um,
Where Are They Now?
So my episode of Unsung,
I was 89 years old in a wheelchair
with a fat, ugly bitch whooping my ass.
And all I was saying,
"I'mma tell my social worker
what you've been doing to me."
I bet you won't get no August check.
And you ain't give me no applesauce.
And all I could think about is,
"Goddamn, what happened to all my money?"
I'm frugal with my money.
I don't live beyond my means.
And then worse than anything,
what happened to my baby, my woman?
How I get stuck
with a fat, ugly motherfucker
who don't give a fuck about me?
Then I woke up.
And I saw it was a nightmare,
and I was sweating.
And I immediately went to Chase Bank
and took all my money out.
And took it
and gave it to an investment banker.
I said, "Hey man,
I want you to invest this money."
"And this is the standard of living
I want to live for the rest of my life."
He looked at the money and said,
"This is a substantial amount of money
right here. We could definitely do this."
"Just tell us,
how do you want me to invest your money?"
"Do you want me to be aggressive?"
"Do you want me to be conservative?"
"Where do you want me to put your money?"
"I said, "Oh, that's easy."
"Put my money somewhere
that I don't have to come back down here
and kill your motherfucking ass."
"Because if you lose all my money,
I'm killing everybody in this bitch."
"You, your ugly ass wife,
that dog underneath your table,
those fish in that aquarium."
"Fuck that shit."
Hey, baby, listen,
me and you made a conscious decision
that we gonna forego our youth
in this chain,
so when we get older,
we can sit on our ass.
And we take all our extras
and give it to this investment banker,
and he invests it,
and he sends us documents every month
showing how our money is increasing.
And it finally gets to a point,
we're like, "Hey, we got enough money."
"Let's go down there and get our money,
man, and we retire, baby."
And we go down to this nigga's office,
and that white man look us in the face,
"You ain't even gonna believe this shit."
You ain't believe
you gonna live, motherfucker.
You gonna get me my money today.
Not tomorrow, today.
Or I'm killing everybody in this bitch.
These ain't jokes, man.
I be watching American Greed.
Them motherfuckers be robbing
the shit out of them motherfuckers.
But some of the people bring
that on themselves.
Like Bernie Madoff could have never
got my money.
His last name is Madoff.
I watch Law & Order, nigga. That's a clue.
They was like,
"We gonna give your money to Mr. Madoff."
"Mm, no.
You ain't got nobody here named Smith?"
And the only reason
I'm telling y'all this,
God forbid something happen to me
and my family get on social media
with a GoFundMe page.
Don't give them niggas shit.
I left some money for me to be buried.
That's why you gotta have
a motherfuckin' woman in your life.
Somebody that you can depend on,
and is a good woman in your life.
And in my humble opinion, brothers,
if you're gonna pick a woman,
make sure you pick a woman
that you can afford.
Yes!
I'm not talking about financial.
I'm talking about expectation.
Every woman on this earth has
the expectation
of the man she wants in her life.
She don't know who he is,
but she damn sure know what he is.
So when you pick a woman,
you want to at least meet up
to the expectation she wants in her life.
You do not want to fall below it.
In other words, if you meet a woman
who have worldly aspirations,
want the finer things in life,
and want to ball all around the world,
but right now in your life,
you are living with your mama,
just receive the pussy, then let her go.
Tell her, "Thank you very much,
but I can't afford you."
I don't wanna hold you back
from your blessings.
Especially if you have no desire
to meet those qualifications.
And ain't nothing wrong with it.
That means that ain't your woman.
Remember, you're looking for Miss Right,
not Miss Right Now.
You will meet your woman's expectations.
Being man enough, like,
"Nah, you're too much for me, baby."
"I can't afford you."
Some of you men can't do that.
Because your ego.
You have a problem with women
that want a certain standard of living.
When they put it upon you
and you don't wanna do it,
you look at them
and call them gold diggers.
Look at that gold digger. I ain't fucking
with it. Let's correct this shit.
To be a gold digger, nigga,
you must at least have gold.
See, one thing about women,
they do settle.
And they do compromise.
And you as a man,
if you know you're not meeting up to
that woman's standard of the man she want,
nor do you have no desire on doing it,
and you make her your woman,
you're playing a dangerous game.
Because God forbid,
if y'all ever go through
some hard motherfucking times,
or you fuck up like we do. Men fuck up,
and she run into that work husband
who... meet those expectations she wants...
...I hate to break it to you, player,
but your baby gone quick.
And it's gonna be quick too. Like, pe-ew.
Do you know how "pe-ew" is?
Pe-ew, pe-ew, pe-ew.
She gonna be gone like that. Pe-ew.
Have you singing one of them '70s songs?
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
Why, oh, why did you have to leave me
And go away?
These ain't jokes.
I know this.
My father could not afford my mother.
I used to look at my parents all the time
and be like,
"Daddy, how'd you get her?"
"This don't match."
My mother was a debutante.
My mother was that chick.
My mother hung out with
some of the biggest stars in the world.
When I see my mother and father,
it was like looking at
Diana Ross and Grady from Sanford and Son.
My mother was that chick.
My mama dated the biggest star.
I remember one time she hollered it out.
My mother let you know
who she fucked with.
She didn't give a fuck where we was at.
I remember one time
we was at Thanksgiving,
just having dinner, whole family around.
My mother just hollered out, "You know
your mama fucked with Marvin Gaye."
I said, "You used to fuck with
Marvin Gaye?" She's like, "Yeah."
I just looked her in the face and said,
"Well, how'd you blow that?"
"No offense, Daddy,
but I'd rather be a Gaye."
"I don't even want no yams
after hearing this bullshit."
"You couldn't trap him?
They say he was on drugs."
These ain't jokes.
Don't get it twisted.
She ran that motherfucking house
with an iron fucking arm.
She didn't play, nigga. Her word was word.
We had to adjust to my mother.
My mother wake up in the morning
and she in a good mood,
that means everybody in the house
got permission to have a good day today.
My mama wake up in the morning and she...
she in a bad mood and she pissed off,
it's hell to pay.
I don't give a fuck what you do,
what it is, she cussing your ass out.
Your father can't help
because this nigga can't talk.
She is making it miserable.
You'd rather be in jail
than in my mama's house
when she's in that mood.
It's so bad the dog
just jump over the fence,
and say, "I'll live in the alley
before I go back in that house."
Don't get me wrong,
I love my mama to death,
but if she wasn't my mama, nigga,
I wouldn't fuck with her.
She ain't my kind of woman.
People always come to me, "Don't you wanna
marry a woman just like your mama?"
Fuck no.
I used to tell my daddy all the time,
"Nigga, why you still here?"
"I know why I'm here.
I'm only eight years old."
"You got a car and a job.
Get out of here, Daddy. Ride."
"Find some happiness.
Get out of here, Daddy. Go, go."
I used to treat him
like we was on a plantation.
"You gets out of here.
Bitch, you gets, you hear me? You gets."
"Don't you come back here no more."
"You runs and you runs
until you can't runs no more."
"You hears me, Daddy?"
I was like a white woman
in a horror movie. "Go without me."
"Save yourself."
"There's no reason
for the monster to get both of us."
"Daddy, go!"
These ain't jokes.
Me and my mother got along,
but I let her know all the time,
you better stop
taking your husband for granted,
treating him like that.
Got my father out here
working eight, nine jobs
to maintain a standard of living
we both know y'all can't afford.
My mother was a true Black woman,
just looked me in the face.
"He a'ight."
I said, "He's 80 with a paper route."
My friend be like,
"What kind of pussy your mama got?"
"She got this nigga throwing papers
in his 80s."
And I got money,
so I try to help my father out.
Like, "Daddy,
you don't need all them jobs. I got you."
"No, no, no, no, no, no."
"She's my responsibility."
I said, "You can't afford her no more."
He said, "I can't afford her?"
I said, "Daddy, you got a paper route."
You're delivering
Tuesday's papers on Saturdays.
He done look me in the face,
"But they got it though, didn't they?"
These ain't jokes.
I told my mama, me and mama was honest.
I said, "You better pray to God
you leave this earth before he do."
"'Cause if Daddy leave first,
you ain't living with me."
"And if you do live with me,
you're gonna earn your keeps in my house."
"Fuck that shit. You're gonna do
some vacuuming or some dusting."
"You ain't gonna be walking around
this bitch like you Queen Sheba
with them little furry-ass slippers on
and that rat dog you got. Fuck that."
I'mma go buy a Patti LaBelle cookbook,
like, "Pick a page."
Man, fuck that.
My mother knows
she has unrealistic expectations.
Got my daddy out there like that.
But I remember when my daddy died, man.
I went to see him.
I was at the funeral home,
and I looked in the casket.
My... my father was just smiling.
I just rubbed him on the knee.
"You free now, player."
When you get to heaven,
don't you date her ass no more.
When she come through that gate,
I want you to hide behind the clouds.
I don't want
you giving her your afterlife too, Daddy.
I was eight years old
when I knew my daddy ain't had no rights.
I came to my daddy, I said,
"Daddy, can I go outside?"
He said, "Sure."
I said, "What time I gotta be back?"
He said, "Till the street lights come on."
I said, "Ooh, thank you, Daddy."
I said, "You see that little girl there?"
He said, "Yeah."
I said, "That's my friend.
That's Kim. I'm trying to be with her."
"That's my girl, man, and um...
and my two friends right there,
we about to walk
down to the candy store, Daddy."
"Can you give me some money so I can get
something from the candy lady?"
He said, "Sure, champ."
Gave me five dollars.
You know how much five dollars was in 72?
Soon as he put it in my hand,
I was already imagining
how I'd go down to the candy lady
and buy that bitch out.
Just kick the screen door.
Give me 15 Chick-O-Sticks,
five bags
of motherfucking sunflower seeds...
14 motherfucking Sugar Daddies,
four goddamn Tootsie Rolls,
four honey buns, three grape sodas.
Oh, that's
my little girlfriend right there.
Give her the candy necklace.
I'm really trying
to get her to be my girlfriend.
Give her the bracelet too.
So how much I got? Four dollars left?
Hold on to that
because I'm coming back here
and buy this bitch out
again and again and again.
I'm Earthquake, y'all.
Thank y'all very much.
There ain't another
About to grind like me
There ain't another
About to shine like me
There ain't another survivor
That's why others can't
See, everybody else ain't me
There ain't another
About to grind like me
There ain't another
About to shine like me
There ain't another survivor
That's why the others can't
See, everybody else ain't me
Make moves and don't settle
Break moves and pay dues
Then go level
I'm kicking the door
Don't last if they'll let you
If winning a world sport
I have me a gold medal
And a gold bezel
A little shine on my wrist
You see me coming
You know what time it is
Go ring the alarm
I'm bringing it all
When you come to my stage
Make sure you bring the applause
I'm a showstopper, globetrotter...
Mm, that was good!