Easter Bloody Easter (2024) Movie Script

You sure no one's gonna
come in here?
Uh, Easter ain't for a week.
Plus, I think
I can take a church lady
in hand in hand combat.
You know I like to see that.
I thought
you gave up sweets for lent.
I thought you gave up sex.
Well, I still can.
I'm not gonna show up
to prom with my boyfriend
looking like
a busted can of biscuits.
Put this on.
I want you to fuck me
like some muffin type Jesus.
I always knew
that I would lose my virginity
in a church storage room.
That's a freaky decoration,
You're scared
of this dead old thing?
What was that?
It was just a bunny, doofus.
Aw! So cute.
Oh, my Jesus!
Hey, yo.
It's Lance. Leave a message.
It's been over a week.
Call me, text me.
Just tell me you're alright.
The hell, girl.
I know Janet wasn't
the best hairdresser,
but that doesn't mean you
can show up
to the poor girl's funeral
looking like
a half big buckle bunny.
I'm not going.
Uh, what?
Why not?
That poor Pinewood family,
those teenagers last week.
Now Janet and her dog.
I'm just waiting for the call.
Hey, hey. Nonsense.
Lance is just on another one
of his benders
probably picking up some KitKat
floozy at the Waffle Queen.
Oh, sweetie, I'm kidding.
Look, you're worried about Lance
and I'm worried
about my best friend.
-One is fine.
-Hmm. Well good.
Then get dressed.
Nothing to cheer girl up
like a funeral.
And although
we don't understand
why these attacks
keep happening,
we must keep our faith
and stick together
as a community.
Thank you, Pastor.
Fucking Marylou.
As head of the church committee,
I just wanted to say
that we are all heartbroken
to hear the passing
of such a sweet, sweet soul.
-Oh, and Janet.
-Such icons.
But today is Good Friday,
so let's not get too bummed out.
Okay? Now come on.
That's not the enthusiasm
I'd expect
the week of Easterpalooza!
It's the only thing
this miserable town
has to look forward to.
We kick it off today
with the Good Friday Fish Fry.
And, of course,
tomorrow is the bunny hop dance.
And Sunday is the grand finale,
the Easterpalooza,
Easter Egg Hunt.
Please note
the parking lot is reserved
for church committee
members only.
And we all remember last year
when things went south,
when a few rowdy children
ruined the hunt
for the rest of us.
As such, there'll be
a ten egg limit per child.
You know, God is watching over
this Easter egg hunt.
In fact, he's always watching.
Seeking out the sinners
of the world,
preparing his perfect justice.
I know
I shouldn't be encouraging
your downward spiral,
but boy do I love to see
Marylou pissed off.
But let's have some fun,
shall we?
It's time to fish fry!
Stop it!
Did you know that fish
don't even have vocal chords?
Kinda wish
Marylou didn't either.
You need to stop
watching so many nature shows.
No way!
Really gets Jim and I
going during foreplay.
Oh, my. Shh.
Sorry. Holy water.
Every year
it turns more into a circus.
Come on, fish fry. Come on.
Save mommy a seat. Okay?
Okay. Bye guys.
I'll be right there.
Come on. We gotta get to the
bread pudding before Marylou.
I swear that woman
eats like a mammoth
and somehow
never puts on a pound.
I might just go home.
Oh, hell no!
We're not gonna let Lance
run Easter for us.
We're gonna fish fry.
We're gonna bunny hop.
And on Sunday we're gonna find
some damn eggs because it's fun.
Yes, ma'am.
Christ will rise again, Jeanie,
and so will Lance.
You'll see.
Hi, y'all
Sally, go get the punch bowl.
Annie Sue.
What a touchy eulogy.
Janet looked so beautiful
in her casket.
Someone else
must have done her hair for one.
You're bad.
Jeanie! It's the funniest thing.
You know,
I thought I heard you making
disrespectful sounds
while I was speaking earlier.
Me? Disrespectful?
we better go check on our kids.
Come on, honey.
Even though you two were
too busy to help out this year,
I think it's gonna be
the best Easter yet.
Which is a good thing
'cause Annie Sue over here
is gunning for my position
as head of the church committee.
I hate you
so much you stupid cow.
Oh, not as much as I hate you.
Oh, she's fun.
So where's that tall,
handsome glass of bourbon
that you call a husband?
No! Jeanie!
Oh, no. He's left you. Oh.
Bless your heart. Wow.
You two used to be the dream
couple back in high school.
Funny how life turns out,
isn't it?
Well, if you're ever lonely,
you are always welcome
at Funko nights.
Do not show up
without an appetizer.
There's my wifey. Hey, honey.
I'm the luckiest girl
in the world.
You're so sweet it makes me fit.
How's it going, Eugene?
It's going alright.
I can't complain none.
And business
has been doing great
ever since
the Pinewood course shut down.
But Jeanie, something's been
ticking me off today.
I've had this piece of food
stuck in my teeth all day,
and I've been poking at it
and poking at it with my tongue
and the darn thing
doesn't seem wanna budge none.
I just love to hear you
talk and talk
-and talk and talk and talk.
Holy jumped up
bald headed Jesus paling me.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I'm just all elbows
no forearm today.
Oh, geez.
Oh, it's fine, Eugene.
It's not like I've been planning
this outfit all freaking year!
Man, it's gonna put me
in timeout for weeks.
Give me your sweater.
You want any other parts
of my outfit?
That's a good thing about
your husband leaving,
eh, Jeanie?
You don't have to deal
with man's nonsense.
Hello! Earth to Jeanie.
Um, yeah.
Space Cadet.
Who's ready
for fish fry?
Do you know how much it costs
to replace
a stained glass window?
Cost me a chat with Marylou.
I'll be right there.
Hey! Jeanie!
What's going on?
Mrs. Cooper.
This your husband's car?
It is. Where's Lance?
Is he okay?
I was hoping you could tell me.
Any idea where he was headed?
I couldn't say.
Been around here for miles.
Looks to me
like a drunken joy ride.
You wouldn't say that
if you knew Lance.
Man is completely joyless.
When's the last time
you saw him?
Last Thursday night.
Hmm. Same night
those kids got killed.
What happened here?
My guess is a bear
by the size of it.
Unreal. I mean...
Miracle he was able
to walk away from it.
However, walking away
makes this a hit and run.
That's a crime in all 50 states.
My husband's not a criminal.
I think he's in trouble.
I think your
husband is the trouble.
That said, I'm gonna need you
to follow me on down
to the station.
Uh-huh. Sure, no problem.
Don't worry, Mrs. Cooper.
Lance will come home.
Either on his own accord
or in shackles.
Hey, we'll find him Jeanie.
"In shackles."
I'll shackle him.
I know more about handcuffs
than that smoked piece
of applewood whatever could.
I'm sporting
applewood right now.
Sam, we almost
peppered your dumbass.
Oh, we still can!
Y'all looking for Lance, right?
You know where he is?
In a manner of speaking,
this ain't no fender bender.
No, ma'am.
This here is supernatural.
Oh, here we go.
Jeanie, don't listen
to a single thing
this fucking
Looney Tunes has to say.
It ain't what I have to say
is what I got to show.
Je-- Jeanie, no!
Hey! If he shows us his nut sack
I'm ripping it off.
Goddammit, Sam!
Look at that.
What the fucking fuck?
Jackalope, baby! Woo!
Yes siree.
The great horned rabbit.
Attracted to whiskey,
repelled by stove pipes.
150 years ago this town
was ridded of its evil.
Now he has returned.
Lepus cornutus.
Lance's car,
it was covered in fur
and blood and--
And my bet is
when we find that jackalope...
we gonna find Lance.
Okay. Say you're right--
Seriously, Jeanie,
you're gonna believe a guy
who wallpapered
his double wide with tin foil?
I don't know what to believe.
People are dying all over town.
There's fucking
giant bunny prints.
And I found
this in my husband's car.
Sam, focus. How do we find it?
We gotta figure out
who he is first.
Them jackalopes
is a shape shifter,
like a werewolf.
Human one moment--
-Bunny deer the next?
-Bingo gringo.
Okay, I can't believe
I'm even asking this,
but how does one become
a jackalope, Sam?
Same way anything
becomes anything else, Carol.
Vampires, werewolves,
it has to come from a bite.
So, it bites you and then--
Nuh, you have to bite it.
Who the hell
is biting a jackalope?
Someone juicing for power...
glory and the intoxicating
feeling of becoming
something greater than human.
And he ain't gonna stop until
he's satisfied hims blood lust.
Soon, every rabbit
within 20 miles gonna
be at his beck and call.
A fucking bunny army?
We have to team up.
Form a posse
and pray that when we find him,
he ain't smarter than us.
Well, if us include you,
that won't be a challenge.
Come on, Jeanie,
we gotta go meet the sheriff.
- Yeehaw.
- Get down!
What was that?
I knew it.
The jackalope
has come for us all.
We're done for!
Save yourselves!
- Sam!
- Yeehaw.
Jeanie. Jeanie.
Thank God.
This little guy's not joining
any bunny army, is he?
Just fucking throw something!
Holy fucking shit, Carol.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck, Jeanie!
I killed it.
Let's just put it down.
Put it--
We gotta go to the sheriff.
We gotta tell him.
Tell him what, Carol?
That my husband's been abducted
by a giant furry rabbit?
And I just-- just killed
one of its demon minions?
Fair point.
Carol, Sam said
that it attacked the town
150 years ago.
The only thing
in town that old is the church.
That's where
those kids got killed.
The first attack. Of course.
Carol, if there's answers,
they're gonna be there.
So if this maniac is right
and there is a jackalope,
that doesn't mean you can
just go fucking with the law.
Fuck the law!
Lance is missing.
And the only way
we're gonna find him
is through the jackalope.
Now you're either
with me or you ain't.
Shit, Jeanie!
You know, fuck it!
We've already shared
everything else in life.
We might as well share
a prison cell too.
That's my girl.
-Now take me to church.
Shut up.
Go, go, go. Go, go.
Poor horny, dead kids.
Ooh, cotton candy!
Hey, focus!
We're here to get clues
to help find Lance.
Who's to say
cotton candy ain't a clue?
Hey, look at this.
Ooh, musty and crusty.
Agnes Turner.
Listen to this.
"Dearest Lord,
my poor sweet children
are riddled with the pox.
Each day short and precious.
Easter is but a week away
and I'd do anything
to make it special for them.
I confess...
I've bartered my soul to Satan."
Shit, that's
a good mom right there.
Oh, Goddammit!
Someone really is snacking
on 19th century taxidermy.
Oh, Jesus savior, pardon me.
Sam, I will never
doubt you again.
Carol, the Easterpalooza.
Everyone's gonna be together.
-We've gotta go get help.
You-- You should have
seen it, Phil.
I-- I fought that creature off
with my bare hands, man.
Fur and blood
and viscera everywhere.
I made the ladies
wet with gratitude.
That is until they...
succumbed to the beast's fury.
Well, I'm sure
it was a sight to see.
By the beard of St. Peter.
Surprised to see us
alive, boy?
Whiskey is on the house
for bringing
this weasel down a notch.
Hey, Jeanie, check this out.
Very cool, Phil.
Oh, Mr. Mayor.
Just the scumbag
we were hoping to see.
Ladies, to what do I owe
this pleasure?
Hi, Lou.
Oh, Lou, is it?
We're here
as concerned citizens.
Oh, I see.
I-- we think
you should seriously
consider postponing
the Easterpalooza this year.
That's a good one.
Thank you for that. I needed it.
Now come on.
Join me for a drink. Hmm?
I'm serious, Lou.
People are dying,
there's no time for a party.
Ladies, ladies,
I hear what you're saying,
but people die every day.
I mean, Walburg Easter
only happens once a year.
Look at this.
-The jackalope.
It's doing the same thing
it did 150 years ago.
That's folklore.
Something we used to get the,
uh, tourists into town.
Now, look, I'm off the clock,
trying to enjoy a drink.
Why don't you just--
Lance is missing
and I'm really fucking worried.
And I'd appreciate if you looked
at the Goddamn photo.
I'm sorry about Lance.
I truly am.
But now it's not
the time or the place
to be starting trouble.
It's Easterpalooza.
And besides it's, uh--
- Election year?
- Selfish prick.
you're not gonna help me?
Well, thank you, Mr. Mayor,
for solidifying my repulsion
for local government.
Another successful fish fry.
No one even noticed
they was frozen fish sticks
from the Food Mart.
And no one even
noticed your Botox, Annie Sue.
Maybe by next Easter,
eyebrows will be able
to move again.
Now go feed
Big Jackie before you leave.
He must be hand fed,
he doesn't eat off the ground
unlike you,
you dirty, dirty tramp.
I may be a tramp,
but at least I don't covet
thy neighbor's husband.
Pretty sure
that's one of the big ten.
Everything's in there.
Change of clothes, toothbrush.
I put some coconut water
and fries in there for Jeanie
and a couple of extra batteries
in case you miss me tonight.
Thanks, babe.
I know tonight
was supposed to be our--
Don't worry about it.
You and Jeanie are on a mission.
Whatever you need to do, do it.
Well, promise me
you and the kids
will stay inside tonight.
You want my club?
You know, for protection?
For entertainment?
You dirty, dirty caveman.
What? No!
Oh, Sally,
you're a miracle worker.
God bless you.
We got Carrot Cake.
No! Carrot Cake.
Hello, most renowned
Easter theme band
west of the Mississippi?
-They're legends.
-Holy pastrami.
That's good news, baby.
I'm just so relieved
that everything
is coming together.
Things have been so stressful
ever since Annie Sue
started running against me
on the church committee.
Honey bunny,
you know, I hate it
when you're stressed out.
You know, your happiness...
that's my number one
priority in life.
Yes, ma'am.
You hear about Jeanie?
Sounds like
Lance left her for good.
I know.
It's just so sad, isn't it?
But you know, Jeanie,
she's a very pretty girl
and I'm sure all them stags
are gonna be lining up
trying to stampede
her pasturelands, oh!
I beg your pardon?
Nowhere near
as beautiful as you, Marylou.
That's right.
Now off to bed with you.
Yes, ma'am.
-Good night.
-Nighty night.
Good girl, Pooky.
come and find your Guinevere.
Mrs. Cooper, you never
showed up at the station.
Please call me back
I promise you don't
want me to come look--
Okay, Miss Outlaw McGee,
sing me a bedtime lullaby
with your guitar.
Music just makes me sad now.
Lance wished
I never stopped playing.
we're gonna find him, Jeanie.
Maybe there's something
in this old hag's diary.
"Dearest Lord,"
oh, blah, blah, blah.
"Sick kids, blah, blah, blah."
Oh, "I bartered my soul to Satan
so the true
Easter Bunny can come
and bring joy
to my sick children
before they wither to dust."
-Holy shit!
-I know.
That got dark fast.
Do you know what this means?
Yeah, thank God
for the smallpox vaccine.
Agnes got what
she bargained for, Carol.
This could be the diary
of the first jackalope.
Our town is at last free.
We must pray
our descendants take heed.
Lest this jackalope,
lest this creature...
and condemn this world...
a bloody Easter.
Agnes, you freaky bitch!
And now someone in this town
is locked on her face
like a piece of jerky?
Well, that's obviously Marylou.
Come on.
I'm serious. Marylou is Satan.
Her and her church committee
totally burned down
that Frosty Freeze
for staying open
late on Sundays.
She tried to steal Lance
from you back in high school.
Oh, and I still have that scar
from her Tupperware party.
All very true.
But do you really think she's
going around killing people?
Marylou could
definitely kill people.
Nerve that bitch!
Here, eat.
Fucking stupid
fat little piece of vermin.
Eat, dammit!
I hate you.
And your stupid mom.
I fucking hate Easter,
Church Committee.
I hate you
and your filthy little paws.
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Jeanie! Jeanie!
Jeanie! Jeanie!
God, you scared
the shot outta me.
Lance, he was--
Never mind.
We gotta go find Marylou.
My daddy says the best way
to keep out a serial killer
is a solution,
three parts pig blood,
one part ammonia.
Ladies, we did not allocate
time for dilly dallying.
-But I am so scared.
-Then why are you smiling?
This is just my face.
Another attack. Who was it?
It was Annie Sue.
Thank God. I mean--
You ain't
the only one celebrating.
Uh, hey, Sally.
Where's your other half?
Marylou comes and goes
as she pleases, but it's fine.
I don't mind doing all
the work for none of the credit.
Speak of the devil-lope.
Look at this.
Oh, Sally,
you've done a wonderful job.
Padlock is on, honey.
Hi, girls.
Hi, Marylou.
I came to talk to you.
Is this about
the bunny hop dance?
I noticed you haven't
bought tickets yet.
No, this is about where you were
when those kids died
or where you were
when the Pinewood family pa--
I was here planning
the biggest event of the year,
which some psychopath
is determined to destroy.
And Annie Sue?
I don't like
what you're implying.
Honey. Honey bunny...
You know what, Jeanie,
maybe you should spend a little
less time playing detective
and a little more time saving
that failing marriage of yours.
Lest Lance comes
looking for greener pastures.
You know what, Marylou?
You're right. Carol.
Do you think
you can get me juice box or--
or that kind of fruit cup?
Maybe I could make it.
My girls.
Well, something tells me
we ain't gonna be
wrapping Easter presents.
We're gonna get that ninja.
Sweet. Yeah, super normal.
And you never thought my nature
shows would come in handy.
Shh! Here she comes! Get down!
- Where's my husband, rabbit?
- I ain't no rabbit.
Prove it, bunny bitch!
We hunt the same game.
Now put
those scissors down, Jeanie,
before I alter your ass
like a loose patching gown.
-Megan Jennings?
-In the flesh.
I thought you moved to Wyoming.
I also heard you're vegan now.
And you know what else is vegan?
I came back
to kill that motherfucker.
But if y'all wanna
stand in my way, go right ahead.
I ain't got no problem
starting with the both of you.
Oh, Miss Teen Walburg
over here talking shit.
Come with me
if you cottontails wanna live.
-Whatever you say.
Yeah, okay.
You sure have a lot of
weaponry for a pageant queen.
I'm not that girl anymore.
I'm the warrior who's gonna help
save this piece of shit town.
Sorry, pumpkin, I was wondering
if your friends
were gonna stay for dinner.
Sloppy Joes and Tots.
Real family of warriors you got.
I'm adopted.
So Miss Town Savior...
you know who the jackalope is?
They might not even know
what they are yet.
Young jackalopes are prone
to memory loss and confusion.
Who wants Bagel Bites?
-Oh, I love Bagel Bites!
Wha-- Monster shows up
and there's no time for a snack?
Thank you, sir.
Don't make a difference to me.
A monster's a monster
and I'm gonna kill it.
Then you can have another foot
for your creepy blood necklace.
Where'd you get the foot?
-A jackalope.
-I mean when? Recently?
-Summer. Why?
Jackalope has half a foot
then maybe it does
in human form.
Really gonna have to
start from scratch for you two.
Its limbs regenerate.
One could be smaller
than the other
if it's still growing,
but that's a long shot.
Well, then maybe
the person we're looking for
has half a foot.
It certainly would be easier
to kill it
-in its human form.
-Well, then that's it.
- That's what we look for.
- This is fun.
Guess where every Walburgonian
is gonna be tonight?
Looks like we're going
to the bunny hop dance, ladies.
Please welcome the fabulous,
the irresistible
Miss Beatrice Bunny.
That is one sexy bunny.
Do you honeys know
what time it is?
It's time for bunny hop!
Play the piano.
Hop, hop, hop.
Hop, hop, hop.
Hop, Hop.
Hop, hop, hop.
What's up, Walburg!
Carrot Cake is starting!
Are you ready to rock?
We rock you!
When I say Carrot,
y'all say Cake.
- Carrot!
- Cake!
- Carrot!
- Cake!
Let's go!
Hey, not till we find that foot.
Even if Marylou has
regular sized feet,
I'd still waterboard her.
If I know Marylou,
her feet are fucked.
Y'all ready?
Let's do this.
Hi, sweetie.
Damn, Jeanie,
is your dress made
out of the night sky or what?
-No, thank you, ma'am.
I've been looking everywhere
for you.
I thought you were banned
from church related functions.
So you know the risk I'm taking
by being here.
Look, I found something.
Is it Lance?
Well, no.
Then I'm busy.
Well, hey there, Jeanie.
Hey, can I have, uh,
two appletinis, please?
I'd know better,
I suspect you're obstructing
my investigation,
Mrs. Cooper.
Rest assured,
when all said and done...
someone's gonna be behind bars.
Happy Easter.
That's good, brother. Thank you.
Oh, Mr. Mayor. Carrot?
Ah, don't mind if I do.
Good for the old eyesight.
Oh, damn that shoe size. Damn.
Touch the shoes, lose that hand.
My goodness, Jeanie. Watch it.
Jeanie, are you okay?
What's up with your foot, Sally?
None of your business.
Get over here.
Put your hands up.
Don't move.
All right. Thank you, Walburg!
Happy Easter! Let's go!
Carrot Cake! Carrot Cake!
Carrot Cake!
Carrot Cake! Carrot Cake!
- Nine and a half?
- Yes.
Hey, excuse us.
Hey, I think I found the foot.
Amazing. Where's Jeanie?
Oh, come on.
The one time
you want her to be at the bar.
Come on.
And he shall cast them
into the furnace of fire.
There'll be wailing
and gnashing of teeth.
Uh, Matthew 13:42.
Oh, thank you, your holiness.
But we'll--
we'll take it from here.
Hey, it's Sally. We got her.
Are-- are you sure?
I-- I could've swore I--
Come on! We gotta go get her.
Show us your foot.
But... why?
No! Not Mr. Hoppers!
Hey, you're gonna be next
if you don't start showing us
some toes.
Hey, hey, hey.
Leave this girl alone.
But she's got
a tiny monster's foot.
She got her foot caught
in a hay baler
when she was ten years old.
Don't you think
she feels freakish enough?
Lou, jackalope has half a foot--
Jeanie, enough!
They were animal attacks.
Clear and simple.
But fine.
If I had to figure
someone to be guilty,
wouldn't be anyone here.
It'd be the person
who's missing.
Think about that.
How you doing, Walburg?
Not right now, Sally.
It's time to judge
the funny bunny costume contest.
As we all know,
the winner gets to be
the Easter Bunny
at tomorrow' celebration.
All right, so let's meet
our contestants.
Let's hear it for contestant A!
Look at you!
What about
contestant B?
You guys have me standing
next to a dead guy?
I warned all of you.
Now have a taste
of God's justice.
I implore you all
to cease your sinful ways.
We've been celebrating
his glory.
Open your eyes, Marylou.
God is not happy.
God better be happy
'cause I have been working
my ass off for him.
We will be all punished.
It is the end of days!
All right. All right.
Everyone let's just calm down.
I mean,
accidents happen.
You know, stress,
that's the real killer
in this country, as you can see.
Tell you what,
why don't we let the authorit--
I mean, my office...
...look into this and, uh,
y'all just head on home,
get a little sleep.
That way we're all bright eyed
and bushy tailed
for the main event.
Ain't that right, Marylou?
That's right,
Mayor Lou.
Have a blessed evening,
Everything-- everything's fine.
Thank you. Get home safe.
-So, I guess we should--
-Oh, God!
-It's okay.
Well, that sure as shit
didn't go as planned.
What now?
I'm going home. It's over.
-You're just gonna give up?
-What about Lance?
You heard what the mayor said
in there about him.
Lance has nothing
to do with this.
Look, I know
you wanna defend him,
and I get that.
But for the past few years,
Lance has been nothing but lazy,
mean and drunk.
So what?
You think Lance
is guilty now too?
Megan said memory loss
and confusion.
Guess who keeps waking up
in weird places
not knowing
how the hell they got there?
Sweetie, it's called
sleep deprivation.
It's also called
drinking too much.
And besides you have
two gorgeously proportion feet.
-Jeanie. Jeanie.
-Let her go.
-You don't think--
-She just needs to sleep it off.
I'll post up outside her place.
Keep an eye.
Shit! You're my ride, Megan!
Well, Easter is ruined.
-I'm ruined.
-Don't say that.
A bloody male corpse
is a central theme
of every Easter.
It's very on brand.
Hey, those are for the town!
Yeah, well, Pooky is eating it.
Pooky is the gosh darn
love of my life.
And what have you done for me
lately, husband?
Now stop breathing all over
my culinary achievements
and get out!
on my heart.
That's okay.
I can't do it.
About time.
Goddammit Sam!
You gonna get somebody killed.
I tried to tell you
at the dance,
I am this close
to finding its layer.
Okay, I've been doing
a lot of research.
I found all these old articles
from the first time
this happened.
Kids, Jeanie, kids are next.
Then go kill it.
Get on with it then.
Well, but I thought
that you know, you wanna come.
You thought wrong, Sam.
I don't have time
for your theories.
You're a freak!
Lance is the only one
who likes you and he's gone.
So get the hell off my porch
and leave me the fuck alone!
It's not me!
It's not me!
It's not me!
It's not me!
-You're alive.
-Am I?
What are you doing?
I'm looking for
something I left behind.
Oh, Lance, I've been so worried.
Why is that, huh?
You did this to me.
You've been pushing me away.
You've been pushing me away
for a long time.
I wanna fix this.
-Please, please tell me--
-You can't!
You know, I was about
halfway to New Mexico.
I had to turn around,
I had to look you in your eyes
so you could see
the man that you broke.
Damn it, Jeanie,
how could you lay in that bed
after what you did?
-I haven't.
-How am I supposed to believe
anything that you say?
-Lance, please, we can--
-Don't fucking touch me!
Here, bunny, bunny.
Here, bunny FuFu
hopping through the street.
Come and meet my crossbow,
and die at my feet.
You have no idea
what it's like to be betrayed
by the only woman
you ever cared about.
Oh, Lance.
I tried to pull myself up!
Feels like my heart's
being ripped out of my chest.
You're gonna have to do better
than that, you furry fucker!
We can get through this.
We can get through
anything if we just talk.
I have nothing
left to say to you, Jeanie.
Well, you can't
just leave without me,
letting me say my piece.
I am done
listening to you.
The only thing left to do now...
is to kill that son of a bitch!
No, Lance, please wait.
Don't. Wait. Wait.
Lance! Lance!
Megan. No, Megan.
Marylou doesn't like running.
I don't know if I wanna do this.
That's too bad,
the actual winner of the contest
was brutally murdered
so you are all we got.
So listen here Josh boy,
this is a great honor.
Your whole life has been
leading up to this moment.
Bring honor to Palooza.
Being the gosh darned
Easter Bunny.
Now I want you to say it,
"I am the Easter Bunny!"
I am the Easter Bunny.
I am the bunny!
Now I want you to go out there,
show those kids some wonder.
All I have
is wonder in my heart.
Okay, this will be fun.
Bunny hands.
Who wants to meet
the Easter Bunny?
All right,
come on, let's go find him.
Come on, let's go find him.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Hey! Stop it!
Or I'm gonna shove these baskets
so far up your rectum
you would shit liquid
for a month.
Hey, hey, where the hell
have you been?
Is this Megan's jacket?
Y'all need
to get the hell out of here.
The jackalope,
he's targeting kids next.
And Lance's back.
Did he fucking
do something to you?
No, he didn't do this to me.
I did this to him.
I cheated.
-That's why he left.
When? How? What the hell?
I know. It's all my fault.
But I don't wanna do
any more damage.
There's no damage. Shit!
You think he's the jackalope?
I don't know,
it just all makes perfect sense.
But I've gotta stop him now.
He's not here, honey.
What about Lou?
Yo, Lou.
Mr. Mayor!
Lance Cooper
as I live and breathe.
I was wondering when we'd have
ourselves a little chat.
Oh, good,
nothing worth the while
would come out
of your mouth anyway.
Probably why Jeanie
came around looking for
a little something extra.
Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!
Jeanie deserves
better than both of us.
Well, honestly,
you can have her.
She's gone little batshit
since you left anyway.
Do you mind?
Well, you need
to take it easy, cowboy.
Don't make me split
that pretty little head in two.
Show everyone here
how little there is inside.
You know what, leave
the family heirlooms alone.
I'm gonna
step outside for a jiff,
let y'all figure that out.
-I've been doing her a favor.
-Get on with it.
you gotta get out of here.
Jim, it's time to go!
Oh, but I haven't.
Come on.
That's unusual.
Come on!
Save Easter!
Fuck Easter!
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
Not the Bagel Bites!
Holy hell! Sally?
Not my pearls.
Oh, my God!
What happened? Talk to me.
Bunnies. Bunnies of hell!
Jesus! You, come on.
We gotta do something.
You got this, cowboy,
I-- I'm gonna stay
right here with her.
-The girl needs looking at.
-Shit, man, gimme your gun.
A gentleman is never
parted with his pistol.
Mr. Mayor, so chivalrous.
Well, the captain
goes down with his ship.
Captain. My captain.
Shoot it!
It's not loaded.
Fucking Easter.
Please, no, no, no, no.
You-- you can't kill me,
Easter Bunny.
Fucking Easter.
Oh, God.
Come on.
We gotta help those people.
Lance, it's not you.
- You are not him.
- What? Huh? Come on.
Get the fuck out of here.
No! Lance!
No! No! No!
-No! No!
Ah! Fuck.
What can I give of myself
to be pardon for their sins?
I knew I'd find you.
Oh, Sam, you beautiful asshole.
Oh, I missed you, buddy.
Hey, looks like
the jackalope has chosen you
for a special execution.
are you lucky or what?
Yeah, I'm a real
lot winner, Sam.
My leg's busted.
I-- I can't walk.
No problemo, friendo.
Okay, lay of the land...
Huh, hey, we got kind of
a tricky landscape here.
It's like three feet.
Hey, you know I never
made it out of Walburg.
Just, give me a second
to figure this out.
Okay, sun's there, which means--
Shit, you know what?
I'm gonna go get help, okay?
-Two seconds.
-Wait, Sam!
Sam, you--
you can't leave me here.
Sam, wait! Wait!
Fucking Marylou.
Oh, just kill me!
I have nothing
to live for anyway.
That monster bopped
my sweet Pooky on the head,
and sent her to the good Lord.
Oh, Pooky.
Marylou, I promise she's
in a much better place, okay?
I-- I really, really mean that.
Code red! Code red! Code red!
I found Lance. I found Lance.
He's over the yonder.
He's in the creek bed.
He's in real bad shape.
Take us
to him right now.
See, I knew y'all needed me.
-Oh, I'm coming too.
-No, you're definitely not.
What kinda help
could you possibly be?
This kind.
Jesus, Marylou,
are you in some kind of
militia for Christ?
Um, is that a grenade?
Guns don't kill people, I do.
Sam? Sam? Sam, is that you?
Son of a bitch.
Oh, hey there, Lance.
No, it's not Sam, it's me.
Oh, you Eugene, thank God.
Well, well, well
twisted my tongue to licorice.
Don't tell me
that old football ACL injury
- is acting up on you.
- Yeah.
Give me a hand now, would you?
I mean...
as long
as you say the magic word.
Come on, jackass.
Quit playing around.
Help me out.
Those ain't
the magic words at all.
they go a long way.
It ain't jackass, jackass.
You're the--
And you're shitting blood eggs?
Hey, I dug a hole first,
and it's perfectly
fucking natural!
Now I know
what you're thinking, Lance.
I did all this for love.
Every year
she works herself into a tizzy
over this collusion nonsense.
And everyone
in this God forsaken town
makes her miserable.
And what about me?
But I never did
a thing to Marylou.
She lusts for you.
And now that that filthy
Pooky is gone,
and you gone,
she'll have no choice
but to let me back
in her bed forever.
Get him, girl.
Hey you!
Oh, hey there, Jeanie.
You took my Pooky from me.
Now there'd be no more
distraction for our love.
If you were
the less man on earth,
I still wouldn't love you.
Is that right?
You wouldn't hurt
wifey now, would you?
Wifey who makes me eat
from a fucking bowl
on the ground while you
and Pooky eat at the table!
It's backwards, Marylou!
Pooky is a dog, I'm a man.
Now I don't see a man.
I see a fur ball
who's lost the little respect
I had for him.
Well, I ain't no fur ball,
I'm the jackalope.
A jackalope that's fixing
to teach his wife
a little lesson.
A bit outnumbered, aren't you?
Come on, you piece of junk.
No, no, no.
Son of a bitch can never do
anything for himself.
He was always a little off.
Do y'all remember
playing whack-a-mole?
Hell, yeah. You bet ya.
Let's do this. Go!
Hey, Eugene!
You said you were a man,
get back here
and fight like a man!
Little help down here?
- Lance?
- Marylou!
Hey, Jeanie?
Die you stupid rabbits!
What the-- Oh, my God!
Oh, baby.
I'm coming.
Oh, God, baby.
-I'm trying to--
-I can't.
-Oh, God!
Baby, I'm sorry. Baby, come on.
Jeanie! Jeanie!
The head. It has to be the head.
Goddammit! Sam!
Fuck you, you goddarn jackalope!
Goddammit, Sam.
No! Oh, fuck's sake.
And the dick? Oh, fuck.
Goddammit, Sam! No!
You figured it out, buddy.
You figured it out.
For Walden.
Kids, stay in the car!
Hot potato.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, Carol. Carol.
- Stay here.
Oh, gross.
All the people that come
for when I'm dying.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Shut your stupid mouth,
you ain't gonna die.
You little shit!
The rabbits, they got eyes
on the sides of their heads.
320 degree field of vision.
Oh, Carol,
do you want your last words
to be some stupid animal fact?
Listen, bitch!
They got a blind spot.
Baby mamacita, you are a genius.
You're darn right tootin',
she is.
Where are the kids?
They're in the car. Don't worry.
They have their iPads.
Okay. Are you okay?
-Yeah. I'm kind of sweating.
Okay. I killed
that fucking bunny.
Yeah, you could see me.
I-- I was looking real manly.
Oh, later. Jim, later.
Hey, husband!
What is it, Marylou?
What can I do for you now?
You can die.
Where did you go?
Hey! Stop! Where'd you go?
I'll shoot you in the face.
I can't see
you when you stand there.
But I can see you just fine.
Kill him, Jeanie, kill him!
Happy Easter, Jeanie.
Happy Easter, bitch.
Can't be too careful, you know?
Sure, totally.
Hey, y'all, would--
would you get me outta here?
This thing's looking at me.
- Come on, baby.
- Easy, easy.
Come on.
I got you.
I'm here bleeding out.
I'm coming, baby mamacita.
It's a lot of blood.
It's okay.
You will be all right.
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, fuck!
It's okay.
Marylou looked after me.
We're friends now.
-Good. Good.
-Awfully nice of you.
Okay, now get me
to a fucking hospital!
All right. All right.
Get her up. Get her up.
Get her up. Let's go. Let's go.
You look like shit.
I know. I know.
Don't touch me. Don't touch me.
I don't wanna touch you.
- Hi, Lance.
- How you doing, Marylou?
How are you two feeling?
Not even two major surgeries
can keep this minx down
on Shark Week.
And it's only reruns.
Oh, my God.
Not in front of the kids.
Hey, y'all.
Fucking Marylou.
God, I love her.
I know it's been a difficult
couple weeks for everyone.
Not everyone
is here who should be.
Friends, family...
But we are Walburgonians,
and we can get through anything.
Let's remember
everyone we lost along the way.
Since we no longer have
a pastor to eulogize, everyone,
please welcome
my friend Jeanie Cooper.
Thank you, Marylou.
Hey, y'all.
well, um,
I'm not the best with words...
but I had a few things
to say about Megan.
She was someone who thought
she was alone in this world.
She gave her life for this town.
And I hope she knows how much
this town loved her back.
She was my friend...
and I'm gonna miss her.
So many special souls
we've lost,
including Sam McCormick...
a true gift
to the conspiracy world.
Sally Beans,
a trusted assistant.
Annie Sue, the go-getter.
Mayor Lou...
Selfish prick.
And so, so many more.
May their memories...
always bring us joy.
Maybe a bit rusty...
but, uh...
this goes out to everyone
we've lost this Easter.
We'll miss you.
Oh, Jeanie, that was wonderful.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
That's not good.
You think, honey?
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Well, shit!